#theres also the benefit of like
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personally i like to give jake a brain ghost aranea just because i think it would be really exciting and fun. for me not for him. it would be hell for him
#barking#brain ghost dirk is one of the funniest fucked up things in homestuck ive said it before and ill say it again#naturally i want to build on the concept and explore what it means in the context of 'jake english's fucked up brain' rather than just#'jake english's fucked up relationship with dirk' yk?? like dont get me wrong thats fun but i wanna explore diff things.#i tried a few concepts before arriving at brain ghost aranea#and i think its a really good one.i think its a really good one#theres also the benefit of like#i think aranea is an interesting character in and of herself#but i also think that theres not really much more that can be done with the 'original'/'main timeline' aranea like#its already been done in the comic#you gotta start getting strange. getting alternate araneas.#i literally just wanted to present this concept n hopefully. Hopefully. get some other people going hey wait that is kind of intriguing
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zhongli and neuvillette fighting over their reader 🤭🤭
scary dog privilege wherever you go, draconic courting gestures that would scare any regular person, they send each other deadly glares the moment you turn away,
stealing your clothes to just get a whiff of your scent, marking their territory all over your house - making it a battlefield basically, neuvillette (in my hc) is cooler and zhongli is warm so the cuddles are always so comfy ☺️😍,
they give you anything you want - you don't even have to lift a finger, they make you travel between the nations a lot though 😒 sooo clingyyy, extra gentle in their dragon forms as to not squish you, don't even get me started on the size difference 😍😍
just a little thought 🤭☺️
- 🐈⬛
Neuvi being colder is so real and canon. I see him as being colder + a lot more lithe, kinda lanky with smaller but sharper canines versus Zhongli who's warmer and a bit shorter then Neuvi + bulkier with bigger but not as sharp canines.
They've also got very different habits – Zhongli is very prideful not just of himself but his nation. He'll personally give your a tour and purposely drag it out as long as he can. Complimenting Liyue is basically complimenting him, checkmate Neuvi. Especially if he convinces you to try on some local Liyue fashion. Harmless and just a nice gift to anyone else but Neuvi sees it for what it is (since your wearing something from Liyue, technically wearing something of his. He loves his technicalities when it comes to staking a claim over you). Adds salt to the wound by touching you in totally innocent ways like to adjust you towards something he wants to show you or accidently brushing against you when he takes the bags of spoils he's practically drowning you in but really he's just making sure his scent sticks. He's just a sweet, nice gentleman with absolutely no ulterior motives trust.
Neuvillette does love Fontaine, but his habits are more about himself then the nation. He'll take you around if you ask or if the idea strikes him, but you'll probably stay around the making city area or the opera house specifically. He enjoys more personal time with just you and him then anything else. He values the immaterial to the material. Zhongli spoils you with gifts, but Neuvi tries to offer quality time irregardless of physical gifts (though he still gives them just not to the extent of Zhongli). He'll take you to see different operas if that's to your fancy, or leverage a bit of his authority to maybe see a few films since those seem to be hitting off in Fontaine recently. Bet that creaky old archon doesn't have those huh. He feels awkward if you want to watch a trial, but he'll reluctantly agree because. well. it's you. just don't wave or anything he's trying to work and he just Really wants to see you smile at him like that again and it makes him lose his train of thought. gets custom clothes designed by Chiori to replace your clothes from Liyue because they smell of Zhongli and it makes him sulky + he likes to match.
G-d forbid these two are in the same room as you because it's a war of attrition at that point. Constant accidental brush of the hand against your shoulder or elbow but it's just them trying to get rid of the others scent. they are side eyeing each other behind your back while being all smiles whenever your looking. If it's hot and you lean into Neuvi more he's practically GLOWING. not even smug he's just absolutely smitten and happy to be of service. immediately takes off his gloves and presses his hands to your face asking if your okay and if you want to go back with him. if it's cold out and you seek out Zhongli more hes smug as hell beneath the calm veneer. Offers you his coat and stay as physically close to you as he can under the pretense of being worried you'll catch a cold if he doesn't warm you up.
don't even get me started on your house either because you probably have tons of gifts from both of them accumulated everywhere. if Neuvi sees you use a tea set from Zhongli suddenly he had a fantastic gift idea he thought you'd like. he even got some tea included with it so why don't you let him make you some? Zhongli sees you using a goblet Neuvi gave you (totally a coincidence it's similar to his) and suddenly you have 27 square cups in your cabinets that you have no idea where they came from. if the goblet is mysteriously missing oh well. who knows :]
#sagau#genshin sagau#self aware genshin#asks#genshin impact sagau#self aware genshin impact#genshin cult au#genshin impact cult au#is this actually cult au?? csnt tell tagging it anyway#its like 1 am brain not working#🐈⬛ anon#shaking them both like shaker charms#zl feels more possessive too. neuvi is possessive but i dont think snyone could get near zl level of possessiveness#its like having two cats constantly trying to get your attention.#neuvi is more mellow imo so hes not as intense in the rivalry but sometimes he feels PETTY#only if it actually benefits you though because you still come first even if he cant stand zl snd hes not dragging you into it#zl has no issue tossing out gifts neuvi gives you unless your REALLY attached to it but neuvi probably wouldnt yknow..#sometimes neuvi is just clueless he did not gaf abt zl at first he was just smitten with you. he did not want 2 get involved in this rivalry#but hes still a little possessive snd having you come back smelling like zl dressed in clothes from liyue with other gifts from zl..#it rained for like a week straight he was in shambles. acted like a kicked puppy until zl scent was gone 😭#also theres a joke somewhere here abt zl snd his square cups..hm.#just clingy possessive dragons trying to subtly be the only one you pay attention to 🫡#this has been my loser girlfail neuvi propaganda post enjoy
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the woobification of hamas on this website is so astounding to me like. they literally filmed themselves murdering israeli civilians, including elderly people, children and even dogs, POSTED IT ONLINE, and tumblr leftists are still going "well actually there is no corroborated proof any of this has happened" like i have not seen this amount of stupidity in a very, very long time (maybe ever).
#them going 'we want everyone to see what we're doing here'#and then u idiots being like THERES NO PROOF while praising them for being 'freedom fighters'#if this wasnt so horrifying it would be funny#also ngl i am getting so tired of trying to give u guys the benefit of the doubt saying its pure stupidity and not. u know. hating jews#but alas...#jumblr
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Riz has counted four casseroles this week alone. Five, if one goes by the method of cooking, but Yelen's scary when she's crossed, and calling her burek by its proper name is important to her, so Riz does her the courtesy and doesn't include it in his mental tally.
He holds the tupperware over his head to keep it out if the way as he takes careful steps over the piles of notes in his path. The dockman case just closed, relevant documentations handed over to relevant personnels, evidences dealt with as needed; all he has lying around now is just record of the process and traces of himself thinking through it. Unsurprisingly they still haven't invented a surface more convenient for people under five feet who like to pace to put pieces of paper on than the ground.
Actual records go into the case folder with the other documents. Anything else with at least one side still blank is going to the school kids in the block - they chew through an astounding amount of paper just learning arithmetic. The rest is for the recycling basket.
Later. It's his mandated lunch break right now.
Riz sits down in front of the corner file cabinet. In an office often overrun with papers and strings and sometimes even thumbtacks, he's never really managed to clutter up this exact square of surface like every other ones. Ever since the bottom drawer rattled for no discernible reason a day long past, his eyes have always just kinda decided to slide across the space without acknowledging it.
It's years out, now. Riz doesn't know why he thought it such a big deal anymore, back then. He wasn't scared, he doesn't think. Not anymore. Maybe just uncomfortable with the idea that certain things persist despite all efforts to change.
He opens the tupperware. Dame Carabelle's experiment greets him with enough spice in the aroma alone to knock out a small mammal. When he chopped the vegetables for this casserole he couldn't really imagine the eventual heft of it, evident even through just these few ladles' worth, maybe weighing heavier for being still warm. His folk eat more through the smell and the textures and the aftertastes than the taste itself. His folk's meal is really the cooking rather than the eating. The eating is the meal's end.
"Hey," he tells the file cabinet's bottom drawer. "Um."
It's the anniversary. Riz doesn't know the exact date of his dad's death; nobody currently alive does. He and Mom both use the date of the funeral, though as he moved out to Bastion and then got more directly involved with Interplanar he hasn't really been going to Dad's grave as much. Doesn't seem like very efficient use of his time, catching a train or borrowing a car or spending a whole spell slot on going somewhere he knows Dad isn't at. They're sorta coworkers now. They talk on and off every other week between missions. When he goes now, it's just to clean up the place, keeping the landmark tidy and respectable.
Without that work to mark the date he doesn't really know what it serves anymore. But he still remembers it. Still takes note, absently or not, when it comes around.
There's not really a good way to tell the drawer that. Riz looks for another way to start the... conversation, hopefully. The question at play, he'd guess, is why he's doing this. He's been pretty content ignoring all the rattlings and the knocks from inside and the times it sits slightly ajar without him ever opening it himself; hell, he still uses the three drawers on top of it. Space is fucking precious in Bastion.
Precious enough to finally fix this damn drawer so he gets his turn to use it? Riz asks himself. Is that what we're getting to? Then he dismisses the thought - he didn't manage to fix it the times he actually tried, let alone-- now. When he doesn't really care that much to.
That's probably a good place to start. "'s fine if you keep being in there, turns out," Riz says.
The lunch hours are quiet in the block, sleepy and bright with the brief window of sunlight that manages to break through roof overhangs and extended balconies and laundry lines and climbing vines. Riz's work isn't loud here (the loud parts happen away from his office, if everything goes right), but the fragment of early summer heat reflected in the steady warmth his meal still carries compels him to lower his voice even more. It makes the words feel intimate, in a way he's never been familiar with - if he says something he just says it. He doesn't whisper. If he gives his friends something, he gives it open-palm. He's found out, along the way, that people usually don't think of rituals and courtesies the way he does.
Small voice for a diminished monster. "You know why I think so?" Riz asks. "Because almost two decades ago you kidnapped me and almost killed me, and now you rattle a drawer in my office."
It doesn't sound as much like a taunt as Riz wanted it to; the drawer has made a lot of noises again this morning when he checked the calendar, and he was definitely annoyed at it. Now, though, facing it like this after cooking the whole morning with more grandparents and peers from the block than he can count on both hands to cater for a tenant union meeting, he thinks the annoyance has morphed. Changed shape.
It has the shades of something like pity. Riz is not prone to pity, and especially not at these kinda matters. It's slightly maddening that he coheres perfectly outside of this one spot. That he commands his spaces, except for a drawer.
He puts the tupperware onto the floor between himself and the cabinet. "I know we're aware it's the anniversary," he says at the drawer. "You do this every year. You make a ruckus every time I decide to go do my job instead of mooching off my friends' aircon, and every time I get an invitation to some stupid social thing I want to turn down, and every time one of the old people tries to introduce me to a child or a nibling, because being a bachelor over thirty is weird," he pinches the bridge of his nose. "I have three fucking jobs. I love doing my fucking jobs. I'm forcing funds into infrastructures. You're never leaving, are you."
The drawer vibrates lightly. It's a very, very mild acknowledgement, considering the history of reactions Riz has gotten from this thing. Riz thinks it's emanating joyous agreement, or satisfaction.
It only sharpens the pity. Riz doesn't like that, but it's how it is. That's, ultimately, the lesson he's been taught over and over and over again, just by existing as himself, turned every which way by space after space that don't see him eye-to-eye: it's not like he'd quit living over any of it. It's not like any of it can sand off these fundamental pieces of him.
He's outgrown a lot of things, he's found out. Again, and again, and again. A childhood home, a yearly trip, a monster.
"'s probably scary for you, huh?" He asks. "Because I left."
He thinks he hears joints creak that sound like you did. Probably the way a scorned lover would say it, in a movie or a yellowback. He has no more connection to the idea than he did as a kid. Less, because it doesn't even scare him.
"That's what it is, right? That it's the anniversary, and I'll never be like Dad." He raises a knee from the floor, pulls it back closer to him. Slings an arm over it. "You love to remind me. The thing is, Dad also left. He loved Mom and he loved me, and none of us wanted it to happen, but it still did. Because love does fuckall to make anyone stay on its own."
He's long past being bitter about it. It's just the facts. Once upon a time he looked into the future and the specter of his friends' happily-ever-after casted lightless, fathomless shadow over him. Love, marriage, that kind of devotion, to a fifteen-year-old with more solved cases than friends seemed so eternal. Final.
But you can only watch your friends build up apps' worth of jilted lovers for so long before getting over it.
"You know what I learned?" Riz tells the drawer. "Love doesn't make anyone stay. Project management does."
He stands up, and picks up the tupperware of Dame Carabelle's casserole, that he helped make, that he helped share with a block's worth of neighbors and members of a community he's at home with, and goes sit at his desk to eat. "Last chance to get any," he drops an offer over his shoulder as he walks away.
He doesn't eat all of his share in one go. What he's spared he leaves on the desk when going outside for a smoke break. Baron looks the exact same as when he saw them last, when he catches a glimpse; they haven't grown at all. They aren't there when he comes back inside, but the leftover has gone days-old cold, like someone's sucked the future out of it.
#dimension 20#fantasy high#riz gukgak#baron from the baronies#this is set a Long time into the future. riz is like 32 in this one#''I will go to sleep'' so turns out that was a fucking lie#lmao I just needed to finally externalize this idea into Some kind of more final form#initially I aimed for a comic with this but ooughgoughhh I am. indisposed. unable to do that rn#and also I feel like there would just be too fucking much Riz Saying Words in that format for it to work. and I always go if theres so much#words in ur comic might as well make it a fic. and well. heeding my own advice perhaps#just been sitting on this sentiment of like. perceiving romantic relationships as uniquely permanent or conclusive#when the vast majority of people I know would hugely benefit from a divorce lmao#since watching fhjy at least. I think in a sense this is kind of my personal answer for that sticky note style comic I did way back thens#how much of that fear of being deprioritized comes from not being taken care of by the community you're in#I think that's the prettiest answer I can give for riz's deal. not one singular Special Person no matter the kind of flavour#but spaces that he's integrated in. that he has a hand in building even#okay NOW I sleep. everyone be quiet ok small voice for good sleep. it wont be a lie this time I prommy
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guy who wants to be emperor SO FUCKING BAD but isn't and has to actively conspire to get there. guy who is in cahoots with him and refers to him as emperor/your highness/my lord/other unearned royal titles in private- perhaps as a show of loyalty, or ingratiation, or certainty in their mutual success, or just 5d chess manipulation. and also it is a sex thing i mean you get me you see my vision
#i dont know why this gets me so much. maybe its the “YOU are the real emperor in my eyes not That Guy” of it#or the secretive conspiratorial mini-empire unfolding in the background of an actual state#or the charade of servility for absolutely no ones benefit because no one is there to see it#except you. and the guy who wants to be emperor So Fucking Bad#you will be entirely unsurprised to know i worked this dynamic into a martin trying to become high overseer fic#j#also hi i know im away a lot because life suuuuucks massively rn#and i realised that like. every single time i get on i basically feel the need to make another apology post for being away so long#and theres no point in that? so i decided im just gonna. post whatever whenever LMAO#and if you wanna come chat with me every now and then you are welcome to do that. and if you dont then thats fine too.
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Regarding the Acolyte ask and your tag about Master Bald Shrek (oh my gosh Bald Shrek 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭) and yeah coming from the High Republic books fandom with a 100 years younger Master Vernestra: we have no idea why she's like this either and personally I think it sucks. I was so excited to see her in live-action, why'd they make my girl change so much in 100 years to become that. Do not like.😭
omg what she was a canon character before the show??? you poor Old Republic fans you were done so atrociously dirty w the acolyte
#thanks for the ask!#vernestra/bald shrek is such a weird character within the show as well#like wdym she hides things from the council??? to what end??#bc she thinks they'll help the senate put restrictions on the jedi???? what?? theyre your orders leaders!#ALSO WTF WAS HER LYING AT THE END. SURELY IT WOULD BENEFIT THE JEDI *MORE* TO SAY THERES A GUY ONLY JEDI CAN STOP OUT THERE#INSTEAD OF THAT BS#also sidenote her makeup sucked#wait why is she 100 actually
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if you like the characters and picking out the parts that work ward is a lot of fun actually. there are genuine and valuable criticisms of it but the culture about it is getting kinda weird. love a solid post unpacking the problems or making jokes about it but if your instinctual reaction to seeing other people talk about ward is to feel upset and/or join the conversation to talk about how its the absolute worst you might want to consider if you would feel better blacklisting the tag
if youre curious about ward give it a try. its always gonna be a lot cooler and easier online for people to make fun of something; maybe you like it better than you expect. or maybe its awful. you can always stop reading
#though if the strength of an ending makes or breaks a work for you maybe the end message doesnt apply#not really how i engage with works so i cant speak to it much aside from. yea. endings got issues#wormblr#also really dont want this interpreted as ''people cant complain about ward''#but i dont think theres a benefit to making fun of people who like it#or acting like there arent parts you enjoy if you continue to engage with the fandom#and if you genuinely just hate it with no shred of love for even miss ashley stillons#u gotta get outta wardblr that cant be good 4 ur brain#ward
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another thing that was crazy abt megalopolis is that theres a huge subplot (the main plot of the movie??) about how adam driver is just going around demolishing historic buildings and peoples homes to build his stupid utopian city and everyone is protesting this for obvious reasons but then in the last 10 minutes he just unveils his stupid utopian city and its presented like a huge grand triumph and the demolishings are completely forgotten so you have to assume the movie thinks that coming in and exploding peoples homes with no warning is a good and cool thing for him to do and they shouldnt have been upset by this.
#also his cousin hates him so the cousin goes to one of these protests and agrees with the crowd#and like specifically stands apart from their rich family by saying 'no the common people arent trash theyre immigrants lets hear them'#so he joins the protest and riles up the crowd against adam driver#and then the next time we see the crowd its become a very on the nose trump metaphor w the cousin as trump#so in universe the people protesting the destruction of their homes with no warning are just. right wing crazies i guess#and the guy who listens to the common people and explicitly stands up for immigrants is trump#anyway thats more evidence that the movie thinks its good and cool for adam driver to be destroying peoples homes.#for his stupid city thats only benefit is. like. having those moving walkways you see at the airport.#avpost#anyway i have to keep talking about megalopolis to the detriment of my relationships and sanity bc theres just. so much#movie diary#oh and when i say the trump metaphor is on the nose i mean like. news people calling him an unconventional politician over#footage of the crowd holding up signs that say Make New Rome Great Again level of on the nose
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well i went for a walk and even tho i got all sweaty and gross i helped this dude that was so fucked up he could barely walk find his missing shoe so. thats something.
#also warned these girls that were smoking crack that there was a cop around the corner from them#im like if batman actually benefitted society#anyways cant be walking around downtown barefoot bestie theres broken glass everywhere and the occasional dirty needle
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Day 234 | id in alt
A page of doodles bc I'm thinking too hard.
#dailykugisaki#jjk#kugisaki nobara#ALSO THERES A LIL ITADORI IN THERE DAWG#TRUST ME IM LOW-KEY WORRIED ABT MY BONES RN#I MIGJT NOT DESCRIBE THIS WELL#i feel like#bro theres gonna be some other stuff soon o just feel like i gotta exaggerate some more stuff when doodlin Kugisaki bro#there will be things SOON#trust meeeeee#yeah im not gonna describe this well at all#yall are gonna hafta give me the benefit of a tired ass brain#TRUST#i think about my au a lot considering im replaying the damn game for the 500th time
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i love that brian is your favorite and you've immediately picked up that hes kind of a lame teenager who's prone to golden retriever behavior about the girl he likes and incoherent word vomit, because vast portions of readers 1. buy into his "i am a cool professional adult man guy, and not a teenager with problems" act and 2. underrate and ignore him. when you get to around arc 4 there's gonna some word of god from wildbow about his backstory you should read bc wb (probably due to the racism) fails to ever mention it in the story despite it being literally foundational for understanding his character in full
from what i've seen his family dynamic is honestly really tragic, especially his mums drug habits (ive had family who've fallen into that stuff and it really hurts seeing someone systematically destroy their life). its clear he was forced by the people around him into becoming the adult in the room from an early age, after so long it becomes second nature in him to take control of a situation, like you see in snare (act 13) where he begins leading taylors plan and forcing himself to be in harms way rather than others -he does this a lot actually, its harder to pick up on because we can see with taylors bug eye view system but whenever he shrouds his team in darkness for a tactical advantage, he functionally removes their ability to see, hear and smell which forces them to rely on him and follow his lead- the scene where he got fridged was devastating because the most effective thing he could do in that situation until divine* intervention was NOTHING, he had to take a passive role there.
its really disheartening how frequently he gets shunted in the story outside of the romance subplot with taylor (which i dont really see happening, because what he needs in a partner is clearly very different from who taylor is as a person, also lisa has way more romantic chemistry with taylor) which sucks because when we do get to see his story, its really fucking interesting
i do need to ask tho, where do i find the word of god from wildbow? ive been avoiding stuff like the comment section and most fandom stuff bc of potential spoilers
#also yeah this story has a weird focus on race#either describing characters only by their race (all i know about how alec looks is that he seems french?)#or by having groups like the ABB or E88 where membership is defined by race#i dont know if wildbow is racist because i like to give people the benefit of the doubt but theres definitely some unexamined biases
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it kind of sucks when all your friends and family, everyone you know, are all pairing off and getting married and havinf families, except you. you're the only one that doesn't have a partner and probably can/will never get one. especially if one around you has time for you anymore, they never reach out, never get back to you, because they're only focused on their partners and families. you're stuck alone and drift away from everyone through no fault of your own. you have no hope of finding your own partner or no motivation to look for one for whatever reason. the lack of connections while seeing everyone around you having their own can get overwhelmingly lonely at times....
#autism#autistic#asexual#aromantic#these are probably the two factors that put me in this position#im undateable because im too autistic to form any connections with people and cant even make or keep friends around for long#so how would i ever try to date anyone????#and also asexual which makes it harder. and aromantic (not sure what kind if its like demi and i just need to meet “the one”#and form a connection first to actually have any feelimgs for anyone or not sure if I simply cannot experience romantic attraction#either way its a lonely existence in a world where 99% of people pair off or obsessed with trying to partner up#and theres less value/time/effort put on friendships#ON TOP OF being autistic and forming any connections at ALL is an extremely difficult task that seems to always fail on me!#lee rants#lee rambles#im actually visiting a friend and her gf (who is also friend but we are less close) so i know not everyone partners and shuns friends#but they live in another country and i cant visit all the time so it doesnt help this lonely shit feeling all the time D: to have ~1 friend#would be nice to have all the close benefits and of a dating partnership without the physical stuff and pressure of “dating”#if thar makes sense. best friends but life patners. the person is obligated to help me and bw there for me at all times#someone who chooses me first instead of others. someone that doesnt make me their last choice all the time#their very comfortable to be around and we relate and get along perfectly and make up for each others weaknesses#my favorite person and im their favorite person#they usually always say yes to me and include me and im their first choice for eveything#they respect my needs and boundaries and work with me if we have a misunderstanding or disagreement.#its so hard to find people like this. someone who matches me well enough to fit all these picky things i want#someone who would like me enough to be like this. someone im comfortable with and like who fits the energy i want#even if someone liked ME enough and was these thjngs if they arent comfortable or match my energy then i dont want them#im not desperate enough to take Anyone ans im extremely picky about it#being aroace makes any kind of datimg very hard because theres ~less fish in the sea~#but being autistic makes it EVEN HARDER becuase i cant even make and keep FRIENDS so how would i have a /partner/ ?????#sighs. i think im meant to live a lonely life and need to learn to accept it
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#guys (neutral) i have made a mistake#theres a guy in my classes whos also pakistani (but like FROM pakistan) and from generally the same areas as my family i guess#and we're the only two in the class (for context the other desis who make up the majority of the class are all indian international student#and i know that im a friendly person#but i fear that i made a connection with this guy too quick#and have given him the wrong idea#idk if hes just attached to me bc im the only other pakistani or that AND bc ive accidentally led him on or smthg without even realising#like he will hover near me and will only leave when i leave (and its gotten so bad over like 3 days that my other classmate noticed ->#and was like ... girl yk hes attached himself to u right#asdhjkasldadhajkldadhajsd#anyways thats besides the point#hes rly nice so i feel bad asdkjlasd;adjkl;adadjksd (and he doesnt rly have any friends here besides family and classmates so im giving ->#him the benefit of the doubt#and yall today was the only day i left class and he wasnt right beside me bc i think he left to do smthg#and i went to help anther girl get to her car#and i guess because he couldnt say bye to me (esp since its the weekend now) he started DMing me on instagram#there are more details but i will spare yall for now bc the ig messagse are whats makign me more worried <3333#anyways gn#mehrtalks
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is there an actual medical reason why my body just doesn’t respond to medication and if there is please tell me it can be fixed bc this some bullshit
#ive tried easily over a dozen medications that just did absolutely nothing#and i mean no benefits no side effects even at increased dosages#all for different things like blood pressure heart rate salt increase contraception the works#then theres pain killers#talk about a waste of fucking time#ive tried at least 8 different pain killers that all have different bases and different things they fix#in the last five days ive tried four different meds#and theyve done absolutely nothing#one of which was a post surgery med my dad was prescribed and it literally just made me high for an hour and didnt touch my pain#how the hell does that happen#my ribs are so fucked#and its going into my stomach and hips bc of the way ive been holding myself to compensate for it#and i literally did nothing to trigger it#i know its muscle bc i used rapigel and it instantly went freezing cold#but i also had a long hot magnesium bath and used a topical muscle relaxer spray and none of it did shit#ive done heat ive done cold ive done sitting ive done laying down#im trying some endone we have left over tomorrow and if that does nothing then theres literally nothing else to do#theres nothing else#what the fuck am i supposed to do#coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt#spoonie#chronic pain#pots#postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome#fibromyalgia#ehlers danlos syndrome#chronic illness
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playing dao again reminded me with such grief that my canon worldstate is not my actual Preferred One. but i must live with my choices
#nonsense.#i played dao the first time when i was like...15? 14? young#and like all young girls just wanted to give alistair everything he wanted#so the canon worldstate is anora ruling alone and alistair remaining unhardened and a warden#whereas now i much prefer hardened alistair on the throne (either with or without anora)#tragically this is the canon choice for alia (lacks the political acumen to realize the ways anora sucks#and the emotional maturity to realize that actually alistair would benefit from an emotional ass-kicking)#and i adore alia too much to make her Not my canon warden#every so often i do consider swapping her out with either my brosca or my aeducan but theres also smth fun to like#for a series thats all abt Ur Choices Have Consequences being like#No You Have To Live With The Choices You Made At Age Seventeen lmao#it did make me wanna replay my aeducan rly bad#just for the comparison#smth here also abt how alia is Bad at leading anything larger than a small band of fighters#and how her involvement in politics rarely goes Awesome
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what is it with the aro community basically reinventing amatornomativity but including (some of) us this time. acting like QPRs are the solution to your problems and obviously theyre more meaningful and important than friendships and what do you mean you don't want a platonic life partner? well if you're "just friends" they're gonna leave you for their romantic relationship eventually — no, no, you can't mean that, "best friend" is either just the same thing as a QPR or not good enough to stay in your life forever. you don't like how you probably won't ever be able to have kids because who's going to let a single trans man adopt a child, and even if they did how would you support them, and no for the last time i don't want to marry anyone even platonically. i do not want a partner ever. ever.
but don't you know that all of us hate amatonormativity? but we're fine with it when we're included. oh and don't you know aros can date too? did you know? did you know you can date too?
you have problems? society isn't structured for you? you have to learn to navigate socially and legally in a world that's built for couples and that's a very distressing experience and you're invisible if you don't loudly proclaim your aromanticism after every room you walk in — but we're gonna keep arguing about shipping. what do you mean you have more problems than people being stupid in fandom? what, is the one aroace character who got "confirmed" off-screen and never mentioned outside of that at all not good enough for you? that doesn't actually change anything for you societally?
but you surely want a QPR. it's totally not just us forcing some watered-down romance on you after you said you didn't want it (but did you know aros can date too? surely you didn't forget that. aros can still love and we hate that you're implying they can't). all of your problems with society hating you for your singleness and aro-ness would be solved if you just got a partner — no, a platonic one, why would you assume otherwise? this is nothing like telling a gay man to just suck it up and marry a woman. see, that would be homophobic, but you? didn't you know that aros can still date?
#aromantic#aro#amatonormativity#sorry this is very much a rant bc tbh i don't really know how to word it in a way that isn't one#idk its just a very isolating experience being aro when its so hard to find other people who are too#(you can't just casually drop a ''my boyfriend'' the way you would if you were gay)#and even the people i do know irl are a lot closer to the alloro side of the aro spectrum than me#or more amenable to platonic partners or qprs or whatever#idk i hope this doesnt come off like I'm hating on the aro people who do want to date or have any kind of partnership#thats not what I'm saying and i hope thatd be clear but you can never be sure#just wish there was more (or‚ yk‚ any at all) political advocacy for aromantic issues#like the societal structures that benefit couples thing i mentioned. let it be possible to have a family as a single parent#that would help me obv but also other people who are just divorced or widowed too#maybe I'm looking in the wrong places to find that sort of thing#but you can find asexual advocacy groups and stuff#working for their political issues#and obv theres tons of groups for gay and trans people#i just havent been able to find anybody doing anything similar for aromantic people#o.
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