#theres all types of fluid gender though

[earl-grey-love]

Its kinda funny your journeys total opposite, i figured out my sexuallty at 15 but took soo long with gender and youre vice versa! Ive only seen genderfluid "shift" between man woman and nonbinary but mines more woman and nothing?? Wack. Hows your gender since its bi? Is it both at same time or do you shift sometimes?

Right? My sexuality discovery was thrown off by a few factors tho. Being ace was the biggest cus I had no frame of reference for attraction outside of sxual (which I didn't experience), then I found nobody interesting enough to date & I had f/os already to fill my desire for romantic love. Then when I did fall in love for the first time I thought I was a lesbian & that's why I wasn't interested in boys.

But then my partner came out as a transgender man a week into our relationship. Which I was 100% accepting of and supported him wholly, but it did confuse me a bit in the sexuality department. But my partner after that was agender, and the one after came out to me as a transgender woman too. So after all that accidental t4t I realised I am panromantic and demipansexual. Gender just doesn't matter to me when it comes to who I fall for. Whoever fits, just fits and I love them for who they are.

As for my gender though I primarily identify with being masc. I see myself more as a guy than I do a girl, but I am definitely both. Which one I vibe with more does shift around, sometimes even in the same day tho it tends to be more consistent over weeks/months. And it's hard to really explain what it feels like because tho I identify with both, I'm also neither because I was never really a woman and never really a man. It's different.

I experience gender envy/dysphoria for both genders. Which one it is depends on which one I currently identify with more. Like when I feel fem, and I see women who look/dresses the way I'd like to, I feel a strong sense of discomfort/inadequacy. But if I feel masc and see that exact same woman I just think she's beautiful. Vice versa for men who are gender envy. This does cause problems in my relationships.

So basically sometimes it's both, sometimes it's more one than the other, and sometimes it's kinda neither. I don't identify with they/them or any neopronouns though. I'm just a blend of masc/fem presentations of self that shifts from one side of the spectrum to the other. But at the same time, I think gender is just made up so I don't even know what masc/fem even is. Its just a vibe and a feeling lol. Ig if I had to sum up my ultimate "thats my gender" vibe then it'd be like a man who loves to present "girly". Yknow like cute clothes + makeup + hair, etc.

That being said tho, not being seen as a woman too fills me with deep discomfort so therefore, I am both. I hope that made sense. I experimented this year with being fully transmasc but after doing that I realise that definitely isn't me. So 🤷‍♂️ I'm a man but also a woman but also not but also both but also neither I am ever changing.

I ask people to call me he/him and she/her interchangeably cus just one isn't good enough, even if I do feel exclusively one at the time. I can just say "hey don't call me he/him today" if I don't feel that way and my friends/husband respect it.

[wackpedion]

Hey um

Your genderfluid comic

Can I ask what the feeling of gender fluidity is like?'because I think I might he genderfluid but also idk

HI!!! yes u can ask its a pleasure

tbh like, for me personally fluidity doesnt come with a specific feeling. its simply that my gender just changes, even in tiny ways. one day ii may not care for gender at all, then the next i may feel extremely like a guy, but then i may feel like a guy and a girl, or i may feel like a guy but to a lesser degree etc.

thing is i dont exactly like, Notice the change when it happens, theres no sudden wave of feelings or a notification of sorts when the change occurs. it's not like a switch being flipped. its often that my gender is smth i have to think about and search 4 to see, "oh yeah this is how im feeling today !" . sometimes i have alot of trouble pinpointing my gender at all, on account of autism and alexithymia. However this isn't true 4 all genderfluid people ! Some have a strong sense of what gender they are at any time, some don't

Another thing about fluidity (for me personally, atleast) is that it can cause alot of Blurring as I like to call it. As I've mentioned sometimes I feel both a girl and a boy, or a boy and agender, orrr just feel vaguely like every and no gender all at once. I suppose it means for me fluidity comes with alot of multigender experiences, although I don't quite identify with that personally, to me its all just fluidity and it blurring together

Also I feel it's important to note, you can be fluid between specific types of genders ! Some are fluid between any and all genders, some are fluid between only masc and masc-aligned genders, or femme and femme-aligned genders, etc. , there are so many ways to be genderfluid !

Identifying your fluidity can be quite hard, as shown with my comic. It's even harder when you're neurodivergent, but It comes easier with time though, learning to navigate through the tiny changes day by day, or the massive changes. Anyway, thank you for coming to me anon and I wish you luck, please dont feel afraid to come to me with more questions ! I also know some good bit about other gender labels or genderfluid microlabels, I have quite the knowledge on these since I loved learning and researching all about it (and still do)

[zaynes-ocs]

1, 2, and 3 for Al for the Pride asks?

As curious of my little robot boy as he is of themself I see!!!~ thank you so much for asking!~

Original ask game here: https://www.tumblr.com/zaynes-ocs/720971810787770368

1. What is your oc’s gender identity and their relationship to gender?

Al is solidly gender-fluid or Agender, while he does like using more masc pronouns, its really quite fine with any, but their favorite sets are he/they/it type pronouns. They find gender to be more of a “human ruleset” of societal standards and hes still discovering itself as he becomes more and more sentient, but they’ve noticed that in every species it encounters, theres some sort of gender structure that rules that species’s perspective on things, and its always fundamentally based on biological sex, but of course Al doesnt have a biological sex, so they choose to be whatever they are percieved as and wont correct people on assumptions, as to many more bigoted individuals he encounters, it seems like too complicated to even begin to try and explain

2. What is your oc’s orientation?

Al, quite frankly, doesnt really feel the need for a relationship at all, so they’re pretty solidly in the aro-ace camp, but as he’s still discovering things about itself, they’ve noted that they would be open to a relationship, if he ever developed feelings for someone, though he doesn’t predict that to be a probable outcome to their evolution.

3. How did your oc discover themself?

A metric FUCK ton of research. Hes the type to sit down and listen to every species’s concept of gender and sexuality and try to figure out where they fit in the puzle piece of orientation now that they consider itself to be alive, though mechanical and lacking the ability to have sexual urges, and he absolutely LOVES studying gender in other species from biological sexes to the trans spectrum and beyond! He’s always eager to learn more and see what new things they can apply to itself

[ot3]

Ive noticed a weird resurgence of people getting upset about lesbians making horny stuff about male characters. It seems to be mostly terfs? Maybe i'm seeing a pattern that isnt really there though.

there thought process seems to be either "writing men? When there isnt enough strong female characters in the world? You class traitor." Or "writing smut? At all? You disgust me."

Again, might just have seen too many similar posts in a row and its not a real pattern just happenstance.

i haven't seen much if any of the kind of rhetoric you're talking about, but i believe you that this exists. i think horseshoe theory is in effect here, because the people i've seen most upset over this have been gay men on the younger side of things more likely to be, for lack of a better way of phrasing it, kind of mogai in their concept of lgbt politics

to me its pretty interesting that these people seem to be the main proponent of this kind of thing because you would think that people who ascribe to a set of politics that preach how fluid and varied identity can be wouldn't be so stalwart about your speech and behavior needing to line exactly with what is acceptable for someone of Your Discrete Identity Set

it just feels to me like a kind of worldview that is really, really overly focused on language above all else almost like gender/sexuality identities are wizard subclasses and the vocabulary you're allowed to use are the forbidden magics of that class. there's not a lot of tolerance for people using language/interacting with content/engaging in activities outside of their perception of who should be doing that, because they see it as inherently transgressive. you're allowed to switch identities/make up new ones/whatever as much as you want willy nilly, but unless the words you use and things you do exactly line up with the identity you've chosen, you're doing something wrong. it's bizarre and pretty hypocritical for me.

i also think in some ways a lot of the reason some types of gay men react really oddly to m/m content produced by lesbians is because they can not in any way shape or form imagine themselves doing the inverse? i'm sure theres a nonzero amount of it happening but 'gay guys who post a bunch of weird psychosexual shit about lesbian ships' isnt exactly a phenomenon. and because they can't really empathize with the intent behind these actions, and because it makes them uncomfortable, there's the automatic knee-jerk reaction to try and rationalize why it's wrong for people to be doing, or a type of bigotry. the whole thing is just stupid. it's stupid.

[theultimatefanficwriter]

Pride Month Headcanons!

So its Pride Month! And as a proud member of the alphabet mafia I wanna give my opinion on all the Danganronpa characters' sexualities! So let's go, starting with THH!

Trigger Happy Havoc

Makoto Naegi- Pansexual. I'm under the belief all protags are Pan. Transgender(ftm). So I have this whole hc that the reason his door was jammed was that the lock was quickly removed when they found out SHE was actually a HE and I just like the hc lol.

Sayaka Maizono- Straight. I just think she has a big thing for Makoto, but other than that she cares for her career more than a relationship.

Leon Kuwata- Bisexual, heavy female leaning. I ship him with Hiro, but honestly this fucker would probably take forever to admit he likes guys.

Chihiro Fukisaki- Gay. Dont really have a reasoning. Just my opinion lol

Mondo Oowada- Bisexual. He mentions trying to confess to girls, but come on. This guy is fruity for Taka.

Kiyotaka Ishimaru- Gay. This dude meanwhile is just straight homo. He's probably closeted in fear it would bring shame to his family name again.

Hifumi Yamada- Straight. I honestly dont think about the guy enough to give this enough thought, but the way he simps over Celeste proves he likes girls at least. Plus he kept calling Alter Ego she, so...yeah.

Celestia Ludenberg- Straight. Honestly I think she'd be homophobic? Idk i really dislike Celeste, sorry 😅 She just gives me those vibes.

Sakura Oogami- Bisexual. I wanna label her as lesbian, but Kenshiro exists 😒 Women leaning possibly

Kyoko Kirigiri- Bisexual. Though i dont personally ship her with any girls, I can see her going both ways.

Byakuya Togami- Gay. And it's a problem with his family, so he's closeted.

Yasuhiro Hagakure- Pansexual. He just wants to love someone, man lmao.

Aoi Asahina- Bisexual. Again, wanna label her as lesbian, but the Bad End exists, showing she willingly got with three guys. And she does ask Makoto to pretend to be her bf. But she leans heavily towards females imo.

Toko Fukawa/Genocide Jill- Bisexual. It was straight until she met Komaru. Then she realized "Oh shit. I'm gay." But she still has a small thing for Byakuya ig 😒

Mukuro Ikusaba- Straight. We pretend the thing with her sister doesnt exist, alright?

Junko Enoshima- Straight. And definitely homophobic.

Wow a lot of bi peeps lol. Alright, onto the next game!

Goodbye Despair

Hajime Hinata- Pansexual. Again all protags are Pan. Fight me, prove me wrong you literally cant.

Ultimate Imposter- Panromantic, Nonbinary, Asexual. Though I call Imposter he a lot, I think it's almost canon they're nonbinary. I just have stupid brain and type he first without thinking. I also dont really have a reason for thinking they're asexual? I just think they are. But they're probably panromantic in order to fit their talent better.

Teruteru Hanamura- Pansexual. He's so painfully pan. He even says his options are, and I quote, "pretty open." Dis bitch gay.

Mahiru Koizumi- Lesbian. Dont think I gotta explain myself.

Peko Pekoyama- Bisexual. She's totally dating Fuyuhiko, but I can see her having small crushes on other girls.

Hiyoko Saionji- Lesbian. Also dont think I need to explain myself.

Ibuki Mioda- Bisexual. RAGING bisexual. Also I can honestly see her being Gender Fluid as well.

Mikan Tsumiki- Bisexual. She honestly needs therapy more than she needs a relationship, and she probably doesnt really understand her own labels completely, but I think shes bi.

Nekomaru Nidai- Bisexual. Homeboy was a little TOO eager to be rubbed down by Teruteru 😏 Just kidding, though I do think Nekomaru is bi. No real reason honestly

Gundham Tanaka- Bisexual. He obviously has a thing for Sonia, and in a perfect world(i.e. my perfect world) he would be holding hands with Kazuichi daily. Speaking of holding hands he basically breaks Hajime's in the FTEs. Gay 🥰

Nagito Komaeda- Gay. He's very obviously gay coded, mostly towards Hajime though I dont personally ship that.

Chiaki Nanami- Pansexual. She loves everyone equally. Honestly she probably doesnt put too much work on her labels and would probably go by any pronouns as well, so maybe Gender Fluid?

Fuyuhiko Kuzuryuu- Bisexual. Like Leon I think it would take him a while to accept he likes guys, and he probably leans towards girls more, but he's definitely fruity lol.

Sonia Nevermind- Pansexual. Our girl fucks. She dont care who, she just FUCKS. 🤣 But seriously, I think she just sees love as love. As she should.

Kazuichi Souda- Gay. Transgender, (ftm). He's so very closeted, so badly even he doesnt recognize it. He probably even has internalized homophobia, probably because of his father. Not sure why I hc him as trans, I just think it fits.

Akane Owari- Straight. She probably doesnt think about it much. All she knows is she likes fighting, meat, and Coach Nekomaru.

Alright and onto the last game!

Killing Harmony

Shuichi Saihara- Pansexual, Transgender(ftm). Its. THE RULE. I didnt make it. Sue me. Also fuck it I dunno I think it fits with his whole character if he were trans. Hard to explain lol

Rantaro Amami- Biromantic, Asexual. I admittedly dont know much about Rantaro, but from what I do know, I think he would fit well with just about anyone. I dont have much of a reason for him being Ace.

Kaede Akamatsu- Pansexual. She was the protagonist first, so the rule still applies lol. But even beyond that it just fits her. Hard to explain, it just seems like it works.

Ryoma Hoshi- Straight, Asexual. I know on my ship list I said I shipped him with Gonta, but theres a reason that ship was so low. I heavily think Ryoma is straight. It's just the vibe I get from him. Maybe hes bi curious, but idk. As for the ace bit, it's really dark. I hc it's because of the trauma he endured during prison.

Kirumi Tojo- Lesbian. Idk I look at her and I think "Lesbian power. Powerful wlw moments." Dont ask me my brain just does things.

Angie Yonaga- Pansexual. She always seemed like she was flirting with Himiko and lowkey Tenko, and in the FTEs she straight up wants to get married to Shuichi so like....I dunno what you want me to say.

Tenko Chabashira- Lesbian. Literally no explanation needed.

Korekiyo Shinguji- Pansexual. Putting aside the....obvious....he finds all of humanity beautiful, so he most likely doesnt have a preference when it comes to choosing a partner. Just like with Mukuro we pretend that entire plotline never happened.

Miu Iruma- Pansexual. I see her as pretty open to everyone....Yeah. That's all I got.

Gonta Gokuharu- Bi-curious. Honestly I dont think Gonta knows what he is himself. He probably hasnt given it too much thought, if hes given it any. The best I can think of is bi-curious, assuming hes currently exploring his sexuality.

Kokichi Ouma- Gay. I dont ship him with anyone cause I personally think he'd be a bad partner to anyone he got with based off of his personality, but yeah. He gay lmao.

Kaito Momota- Pansexual. THE LUMINARY OF THE STARS IS FOR EVERYBODY! Probably took a while for him to admit he wasnt straight, but then he admitted it with his whole heart, precious thing.

Tsumugi Shirogane- Straight. Fuck I dunno I dont think about her in a positive light enough to care. Sorry I really tried 😅

Kiibo- Panromantic, Genderfluid, Asexual. Like Imposter, I've called Kiibo he all the time, including every story I put them in, but technically they have no gender. So that does make them nonbinary, but at the same time it leaves the opportunity for them to go by any pronoun they want, so I hc they go by all of them lol. I also think they just love everyone, and for the ace bit, unfortunately, robots probably dont have dicks 😔 Even if they did, I dont think he would be very interested in sex.

Himiko Yumeno- Lesbian. Despite her treatment of Tenko, her reaction at the end of chapter 3 shows she cared for her, and Angie. She probably loved them both, so, lesbian for sure.

Maki Harukawa- Straight. Kaito was probably her first ever crush, so I doubt she ever had a chance to feel out if she was anything other than straight. Even disregarding that, I dont think she'd be anything else.

Alright and those are my headcanons for all the Danganronpa characters! As a bonus, I think Komaru Naegi is a Lesbian! No real reason other than Tokomaru is top tier lol.

Now remember these are my opinions! If you dont agree that's fine! Just be kind!

And HAPPY PRIDE EVERYONE! 🥰🏳️‍🌈

[heartbreaktrio]

Something I think people don't really get is that Transmasc/Transfem is a umbrella term that covers a range of similar transitions/transition goals and that's all they're kinda should be used for/seen as. Trans Men are Transmasc and some nonbinary people are also Transmasc. It's not a indication of gender (or suppose to be a erasure of gender) its a indication of a type of transition. This transition often times is about "Looking/Passing/Being more Masculine". This can include wearing more masculine expressing clothes, using a more masc name, using masc pronouns, taking high doses of T, getting top surgery, and getting body masculinization surgery. Obviously it doesn't include all of this, and theres plenty of Transmascs that doesn't do a single one of these things, and that doesn't make them any less Transmasc. HOWEVER, it can give them extremely similar experiences to other Transmasc individuals. Either socially or through internal feelings/experience. Trans-androgynous and Transneutral can work similarly. (Though it appears to denote specific gender experience more often. Which Transmasc and Transfem doesn't really do in my experience.) To describe a particular transition goal/experience and fall into doing similar things. This can include doing top surgery, doing bottom surgery to remove particular things to appear "more neutral", doing things to generally appear more androgynous (such as clothes, names, etc), and so fourth. Which again can be useful, since it can give a common ground/words to help describe stuff people are/have already been doing.

For me, I'm transmasc cause the goal of my transition for me has always been to ""Be more Masculine"" (in whatever that means to me). My gender however is VERY fluid and I am Not a Man. I have very similar transition experience with Binary Trans Men and other Transmasc folks and have gone through similar phases, issues, and problems as Binary Trans Men and Transmasc folks, EVEN THOUGH my gender is completely different to most of them. So to me it has never functionally denote gender, just a similar umbrella of experience. And for some people who experience a similar transition to me that word DOESN'T work and isn't accurate which is also okay! No one should be forced or assigned a label that they don't want or doesn't fit. Just, yeah. Hope this helps :]

[book-thing]

Basic Plot Line

oooh today has been a spammy day people! however i know i wont get this done unless i write it down now so lets have some fun.

Essentially i’m going for a trope of hero becomes villain. thats what i know for definite.  

This is gonna be a long post so buckle up buckaroo

The main character is Keres (Keh-res, it means death spirits! hehe): they are a hybrid of an elf and what i will be calling dragon-kind. I will get more into the species and logistics of everything at a later date but for now, its about what the title of this post is saying. OBVIOUSLY they’re going to have trauma, because thats what you’ve got to do when you’re in this position.

So when Keres was just a mere babe, a war of some sort broke out between the different species (haven’t figured out the specifics to why thats happened but i’ve kinda got an idea for it). One of their parents died when trying to run away form the battle in order to protect their family, they unfortunately left Keres in an area that was going to have more people around fighting; because of this one of the powerful families felt some need to take them home when they were found. And its only one because hybrid, the other parent is gonna be on a different side. different species. which is what a hybrid is (i’m pretty sure)

Years pass yada, yada, yada, and it’s found out that despite how the family originally felt for Keres, they eventually started neglecting them because they couldn’t live up to how their other kids were (academically, physically and athletically).

A point comes where its evident that they’re absolutely shite at anything and everything thats to do with fighting... apart from archery. because, y’know. Elf. duh. So they focus on that.

A bunch of things happen thats leads to a decision to run away. Yaaay! Thats fun, isn’t it? Now, they steal a bow and some arrows and just goes for it. Though, because of magic stuff and what-not that i’ll explain at a later date (the species thing, i’ll title that post accordingly) they do not get murdered or even attempted, so thats a good thing.

From this point, they eventually run into Calder (Kahl-der, means an array of things from ‘hard’ ‘violent’ ‘water’ and ‘stream’) and it comes to the point where they’re brought back to his village where we then also run into Zorya (zor-yah, means ‘dawn’ as its the slavic goddess of dawn which i just love despite them being gender-fluid).

Now from here i don’t really know what i’m doing or where its going, i have bit and bobs of what i want to happen but i don’t know HOW i’m going to get it there.

BUT

What i also do know is that this story is not going to be a case of these teens save their world or what not. I know for a fact that this is going to have some big cyclical link to the past; where there was previously a group of teens that were meant to save the world yet they failed which led to the outbreak of the war which i mentioned in the beginning. Now, these people have obviously grown up, possibly not all of them are still alive for any type of reason but i know that by the end they’re going to be called upon and they’re going to eventually save the day in the end. Like the protagonists are going to have helped, obviously, but they’re not the sole reason to why they won. Because i’m quite frankly sick and tried of seeing a group of adolescence saving the day all the time.

I’m sorry this is such a long post, i’m sure theres probably a way of explaining this which is quicker but i kinda wanted to get as much info in this as possible. Sure its mainly just the introduction of the characters but THATS ALL I HAVE THAT I KNOW IS SET IN STONE

I’ll probably do more posts like this just giving more info about whatever i think about that day soon, but i’m also trying to get practice with my expressions when drawing so hopefully we can see some more of that in the near future as well!! Hope this was a decent read for any and all who have actually read this :))

Any tips about anything: drawing, shading, colouring, writing or just the basics of actually making a comic are welcome and actually encouraged

[sweet-xoxo-thatcares]

Pan? Polysexual sounds better now

Back to guys, gay girls, nonbinaries, pan, bi, gender-fluid, and queer people.

I might have to take a recap on matches who are trans for right now,

I still have a lot to learn about what my true identity is for right now.

Because I really can't stick to just one label...

Aye, that's just me. And dating apps are starting to feel like a job, there's too many people matching with me and trying to remember names is getting a lot to handle when you're on 3 different apps and about 20 conversations going at the same time. And still 99 people waiting on you to swipe right on them, on each one. And plus I'm not as picky about looks as I was before, so I'm mostly reading just bios, analyzing photos to see what could be their interests in, and making sure I'm not being too passive on red flags when people talk to you.

I will admit, I still swipe right on them if they're trans and I'm attracted to them. I just know me, I'd rather date someone who was fully transitioned or somebody who is still on the nonbinary, before part. Only because I know me.

I had to watch someone I had already grown into getting to know and getting attached to, and then when I finally got comfortable with them for over a yr, they changed that drastically during those 3months we were separate and I had no idea about it.....I'm not sure if I could watch it happen before my eyes. Cause then I would have to miss the way they were before, because of my attraction to their naturally mixed feminine/masculine looking features and actions. So, ideally I wouldn't have changed anything about them.

I don't wanna grow attached to a voice or a face or a body that will no longer be there tomorrow. I know that person before is still in there, but it's different when you're romantically attracted to them, been intimate with them vs when you're just a friend. My experience shocked and scared my paranoia and fear of change. I remember crying when my dad started growing white and grey hairs in his beard. Cause I never want my dad to change, cause I've grown up with him being this strong man that always was there for me, held me, made me feel safe, calmed me down when I had my moments, and tucked me in when I wanted to feel comfortable. He showed me that he always loved me, always cared about me, and that he was never gonna leave me. As if he's never gonna die during my time on this earth. Seeing his greyishly, white hairs, I thought death and that my daddy will soon no longer be the fun, happy, strong dad that I've always been with as his princess. And that's kind of what vibe this particular person was to me, even though they weren't as smart, strong, or always there for me....cause most of the time my nights alone cause they couldn't or didn't know I needed them to be there fo r me like that to feel loved or just to feel wanted. Cause I couldn't speak up.

But now, that they has turned into a he. I feel like its brutally denying me to chance to not only say goodbye to them as they, but I would have to get reacquainted to HE, with a totally different name, maybe different personality, maybe different sexuality, and I won't know if I like the new evolved version of this person. The fear of the unknown is high for me. Especially when there's a 40% rate of fems that decided to change their sexual orientation after taking testosterone. I 'm possessive about my partners and I would hate to know that after seeing this person physically change and go through so much emotional/mental changes that one day they decide "Hey, I think I like men now, I wanna give this a shot. Could we make this work?"

I would tell Him, to go right ahead and go on a date with that coworker or guy on Tinder/Grinder. But I'm not gonna be here when you come home. Because to me that's some bullshit. And I've known this person well enough to know, that they don't mind using other people to meet their sexual needs that I can't possibly give them due to my actual gender and my body as such. I wouldn't want to share my partner, nor watch them get fucked by another man...because I'm not a man, im a woman...theres a huuuuuugggeeee difference.

And if it ever came to that point 3 yrs later and He became someone I didn't know anymore, because of the hormones changing how they feel as a man, dysphoria gone....I get it, you've hated yourself for years and now you're happy in the dream body you always asked for. But, I would be scared to lose you, to whoever else you decide to open up to in your selections. Cause you're that type to leave to please you and not make it work. I don't want somebody who changes their mind all the time about who they wanna be, who else do they wanna smash, and who else they can flirt with. That's cheater mentality.

And I'm sorry trans community that I'm basing my recent experience with someone as the example for the rest of you. Because I know there are some ftm's who've already changed and stayed with their partners. I just don't know if I could trust this process, knowing the effects, the research on whether or not they become completely detached to women or become bisexual... I can't.

And I'm thankful for the ftm's that have been posting youtube videos and tiktoks for viewers like me who are curious about the possible cons, and physical or emotional changes they've overcome. I was shocked the first time I ever watched a bandaged ftm, who finally unrevealed their scars from top surgery. I've always been preparing myself for this. Because I knew one day, that this cute, fluffy, soft skinned, white latino looking, but really just mixed mocha, nonbinary person was gonna be...changed over a year or so. I thought I could prepare for it, so that when it does happen it doesn't hurt as much to watch to them in pain if the bleeding from the scars are irritating them or if one day they're super cranky and obnoxious for what seems to be no reason. Or if one day they end up feeling they dont need anybody like Zanthos, with the 4 avenger rings lol.

But I'm too damn fucking sensitive. I was born this way. I've always prepared myself with the worst and the best information, that way when it does happen, the tidal wave of emotions from the reaction, doesn't end up torching my soul or blowing me out the water. Cause I am gay. I adore women, men, and when I met this person I loved them as an in-betweener as nonbinary. They are so brutally harsh, twisted, manipulative, jealous, and possesive. But I've always liked that they had these emotions inside of them that they hold back because they don't wanna seem so soft, always hiding this feminine quality about them because ideally, they're pretty looking, gorgeous eyes that can turn black cold like obsidian, and those fucking cheeks and cat nose. I've only seen the slight hips, but I didn't mind it. And they've always hid their body away even when we would try to have sex. I knew the dysphoria was there, cause again I prepared myself to be patient and kind.

So, I'm glad they're turning a new leaf to make themselves feel more confident about being recognized in society as a full, grown ass man. I'm pretty sure HE, is gonna get cocky af, cause that's just the way he was when they were they.

I know it's selfish of me to say, but I'm afraid of what will happen down the line years later. But that's just me being afraid. If He ends up not liking me anymore, I know it won't be the end of the world and I walked away at the right time when I did. Because this person is currently separated from me, and I'm still insecure about that part too. Not knowing how they are during this transition for what may become years or not...I hope HE is doing okay and not piercing everyone with their new, world domination, ego.

I just don't wanna imagine them get fucked by a guy....sorry that's just me. And will their buttery ass kisses, still be as sweet anymore?

Will I be ok with HE having chest hair?

Will I love the sound of their new voice or will I just hate it, while still missing the old, brodie, sexy, slightly feminine voice?

Especially when they used to go all soft and cuddly on me over the phone, it was soooo cuteeee. I miss our phone and text conversations.

Will they grow into another relationship with somebody else because they started to become unattached and unattracted to my body, my tits, my hips, my vagina even....just because they completely changed their identity?

And I still a woman? I've only thought about wearing a binder a couple of times, and yes, I do watch ftm and trans porn because I did like the fantasy of being intimate with someone who had a bigger clit size or just having a big clit of my own that felt like a dick.

I'm willing to admit that. Because let's be honest, boys get away with so much more shit as a male, compared to us females.

I wish I could grow a dick overnight and nobody not know I'm still a chick! Lol, but I still don't like the all over hair body growth and I still want my vagina back. Like a rental suit with an actual dick and no tits. Those are the onllyyyyyyyyy things I've thought about, but would never admit out loud. Only because I still like my body and my gender identity as is. I feel like the blue girl from X-Men could get away with it, cause she can be anybody she wants to and go back to being herself at the end of the day. And still camouflage behind walls. Lucky chick. Especially if she could teleport, oh he'll yeah.

It's gonna take me awhile to get over this, so please be patient with me. As I'm trying not to cry as I watch my ftm porn get fucked by a guy. Cause I used to be heavy into it, now I feel wrong for watching it and then I'm reminded "40% chance, you're watching it" 😞🤮😫

[sociallyawkward--fics]

yeaa since the 2 months since ive sent u those asks (i think it was 2 months ???? idk) ive had a few more minor crises over whether or not i was aro (&a more memorable one recently where i completely convinced myself out of it for a day) bc im dumb& constantly forget that as much as i like to debate over whether im capable of experiencing The Romantic Attraction i have yet to do so -H

also ??? i just realized ??? i always think of romance movies as too quick paced bc who gets together within a few days?? weeks?? months?? obviously u need to know them better before u know if ud be compatible dating. But No That's Not How It Works What The Fuck the only romantics i will accept in this world r demiromantics /lh /j theyre the only ones who make sense -H (i saw smth somewhere abt how u dated ppl to get to know them better& my view of the world shifted drastically within seconds)

wait that reminds me of how when i was younger (younger being like .. a year or two ago) i thought the purpose of dating was to eventually get married so middle school relationships baffled me bc ???? theyre not gonna last that long ???? whats the point ???? but nooo u date ppl bc u enjoy being around them or smth what the fuck when will this stuff stop being confusing -H (why do i even bother questioning if im aro sigh)

theres also alot of theories abt papyrus bc he doesnt appear at all in the game but i am pretending i do not see it i will wait for canon -H

just realized i have no idea whether uve played deltarune but .. im just gonna assume u have ?? if not .. oops ?? i think i was gonna say smth else not pertaining to undertale originally but i got distracted give me a moment -H

oh wait yea i was gonna uh .. gender !! ! me too ! ! i am .. noncis. im not rly comfortable w using trans& nb is ok but .. i do technically identify w my agab so its not rly right. .. so uhhh im arogender !. !! im not sure how much i relate to the def but its also the only label ive found that feels right so ive uh just been using it -H (bc its not as much that my lack of romantic attraction affects my gender than it is uh my gender feels like my aromanticism ???but its a little of both i think)

---------------------

Gosh, I am still so sorry it took me two months to answer those other asks, I was way out of my own head for a while there. Thank you for being patient with me lol

And hey, remember: sexuality and romanticism and gender are all fluid. For some people, they change and shift over time. So if you’re aro now, and later on you realize you’re grayro or demiro or something like that, that’s valid. That doesn’t make the time you spent identifying as aro any less valid, either. This is a lifelong journey, for many people, probably including myself tbh. And who even says you need a label anyways? If you want one, then by all means, find one you’re comfy with, but you don’t need one if it’s stressing you out too much. But, hey, identify as aro for now if you want to. If later on you choose to change that, that doesn’t invalidate you or anyone else. It’s okay.

And yeah, big agree, romance movies always seemed p rushed to me lol. I’m here like “what do you mean people date each other to get to know each other??” Like, my aspec self does not understand lol. I think it’s likely why I’m so into friends-to-lovers/mutual pining/slow burn type stuff when I read shippy fics lol, I can’t vibe with the faster-paced stuff because it seems so unrealistic as someone who doesn’t experience the world like alloromantics (and allosexuals) do. Also, I also grew up thinking the point of dating was finding a spouse, but that’s because I was raised in the church and that’s what my dad raised us to believe, and also why my parents’ rule was “no dating before 16 years of age minimum”

I’ve played most of deltarune but I got stuck and then my computer reset and I didn’t finish it lol. But I watched Jacksepticeye play the whole thing!! It’s just been a while so it’s hazy, I didn’t obsess over it as heavily as I did Undertale back in 2015/2016 lol. Still very excited for what comes next though, even though I’m not super caught up with the background lore and the fan theories lol.

Your gender is so valid kiddo, you do you. I usually refer to you with they/them in my head, is that chill or do you have different pronouns you use? I realized I had never thought to ask before even though I really should have lol

I hope you’re doing well!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

[gales-big-naturals]

Of all of the things I expected from quarantine, startling revelations about my gender, sexuality, and relationships were not among them but here we are I guess

if you care to watch me psychoanalyze myself for the whole world to see and recount various relationships and hookups check under the cut 

So I realized pretty early into the quarantine that I was gender fluid, not a huge deal there, I already knew I was non binary. Then out of nowhere for the past few weeks I haven’t been able to stop thinking about my sexuality and I’ve realized I’m probably ace spec. And that one is a bit weird for me. Mostly because it came from nowhere and I literally had no idea and to get a bit too personal here I enjoy sex and I think have a fairly normal sex drive, maybe a bit below average but like not by a huge margin. But the more I think about it the more I realize that I can count the times I have been sexually attracted to a real person on one hand.

That is weird to me. It’s strange that there have been that few because it feels like there should be more. Like as someone who enjoys flirting and making out with strangers I meet at clubs it feels like there should be way more. But it stands out to me that I never actually want anything more than that. When I go to a club I just wanna kiss people. When someone wants more than that I immediately lose interest. It’s less about me being attracted to people and more about the validation of knowing some person I think is hot finds me attractive.

My only issue is that I have no fucking clue how to label this. And that is another weird thing. I’m not usually the type to require a label but idk this time its like stressing me out to not have a name to put on it.

Like for people I am attracted to it goes one of two ways, either it’s someone I know really well but the kind of relationship we have emotionally has to fall into a really really specific category or vibe or something idk theres only been like two people. Or it’s someone who is just objectively very good looking who I don’t know at all. Again there have only been like two people who fit this.

I’m gonna break down a few separate times here just to help myself understand better since I am fairly certain I am talking to myself here. 

So for A there was a pretty fast attraction there but I think that was more of an emotional attraction since this was the first lgbtq person I met who was also into me. We ended up dating for a time and the sex was good and I was into it but I hit some sort of road block in that relationship. I think now it was gender related, I think most relationship roadblocks I hit were gender related.

B I met at a New Years party. I had never seen her before in my life but I was pretty much immediately into her. We danced and kissed and overall it was great and I 100% would have been down to have sex with her but stuff happened that night and I had to go home with my friends and she had to leave the next day so it never happened. This is still relevant though because it does say that I can have a very strong sexual attraction to a complete stranger.

C was somewhere in the middle of A and B. I had encountered C before, we had never spoken but we were in the same crowd for a bit and I thought he was really hot but that was it. I just admired him from a distance and we never spoke once. I’m not even entirely certain he knew me when we met again because it had been a long time. So I saw him at a club last year and recognized him and just made a point of being hot because why the hell not. I think he’s hot, why not try to make him think I’m hot. Anyways he approached me later that night and we danced and kissed and ended up going on a date a few days later and had a pretty good emotional connection. We hooked up that night and it was really great. 

But like sex is just so nothing to me that those are like the only three that stand out. Like I actually don’t know how many people I have slept with, not because its a lot, but because it is just so unmemorable to me. Like I can name four others for sure but I know there have been others.

When it comes to relationships sex is definitely a bit of a weird thing for me. It’s always been like a ‘ok well I guess I have to do this now’ sort of thing and I think thats part of why I’ve been single so long, sex just feels like a chore except for in very specific circumstances or with very specific people. I think that is why nothing has ever lasted more than a few months. That and the fact that everyone just assumes I am female and I don’t know how to tell people I’m not because I am so sure they will still look at me and see me as female.

So since I am tired of going on and on about this I will draw my conclusion. I doubt any of what I wrote leads to this but it is what came into my head while I was writing. I am absolutely desperate for emotionally intimacy with another person who I can kiss and cuddle with and not worry too much about sex. But I don’t know how to pursue this since my brain keeps telling me that all the people I am might be interested it are either a) going to see me as female b) gonna want more than I can give when it comes to sex or, more likely, c) both of those things.

also I still don’t fucking know what sort of label my asexuality fits under but now that I’ve talked it out with myself I care way less.

now there is just the question of why the fuck I wrote this. 

I think I mostly just wanted to talk about this to help myself figure it out but like talking to another person is way to specific and direct and then I have to go through the mortifying ordeal of being known. I would much rather throw this into the abyss of the internet where people can see it feels way more impersonal but theoretically someone could still talk back because like I said I am desperate for an emotional connection with another human

[alicezan-ncgred]

Bleeding Red

Preface: I’ve been bitching around the bush of this long enough. So, I’ve been really silent on a bunch of stuff that’s been eating me alive which has made me both inactive and unproductive. I’m going to get straight to the point, starting off with the TL:DR from my post on my main blog. Context: An anon asked me if I was alright because I hadn’t updated in a while.

TL:DR You probably didn’t ask this to hear about all the bad shit of my life so here’s the short of it. No, I’m not doing fine. I will try get next weeks post out on time and I’ll work on making up on the lost posts. Updates will return regularly, ‘ite.

Time for the thick and thin of it.

Insecurity and being shafted: I’m stoic, even at my worst I won’t say anything. I’ll push through regardless of my current condition and since I’ve gone years like this, it’s not hard for me to do. In my real life situation, I’m currently in a place of social isolation. This has lead to a somewhat near reliance on Tumblr to be my social outlet. This present many issues.

The main one is that I’m quite the isolationist. This has only been reinforced by many interactions throughout the entirely of my life. Because of this, I can’t say I’ve ever had anything really more than two friends at a time. While in a way this has helped me express myself so well through writing, it’s come at the cost of social skill. I don’t talk to anyone.

With this kind of issue you could easily imagine that the THREE PEOPLE (four now, but very limited) to ever directly talk ended up in a way shafting me. The first blocked and disconnected with me without warning or reason. At this point we’ve been talking to each for about a month and we hit it off very well and then one day, silence. Never heard from them again. That fucked me up hard when I finally realized what happened.

The second person left during the Tumblr P**n Purge. We were talking about how to contact each other on other platforms and then they stopped responding. I had already given contact to other platforms of which they pinged me in any way. Another person that I trusted massively on here just abandoned me and I’m still hurting from that. Wasn’t fair at all.

Then the third person was someone that I been following for a while. This person is actually the reason that I’ve been putting this off for so long. I don’t want them to see this post but they will. I got an ask from them that ultimately turned out to be misinformation. I said I wasn’t mad but I was. I was so fucking angry about it and I’m still kinda mad, but I didn’t want problems. I still don’t. I just didn’t want them to worry about it. This will come back later.

I try my best to be as inoffensive as possible. The problem with that is that much of the things I believe or enjoy are highly divisive. Hell, even my own identity can be seen as offence. I’m bisexual, non-binary (I’m currently still questioning this. I might actually be gender fluid but in the overall scheme, that’s worse than being non-binary), and nonreligious. I’m in a very religious area so you I’m still “in the closet” about much of this IRL. I though it would better online but with how much people are saying bisexuality doesn’t exist, or that non-binary isn’t a valid gender (or that being gender fluid make you insane and you should be locked up) and all the hate people who say they are this are getting, the very community that’s supposed to accept me, HATES me. I had a bi pride flag icon last year during Pride Month. I never doing that ever again. It was terrible.

I’m trying my best to come out of my shell like I said I would when I made this blog but it seems I’m just crawling further into it. People I think I can trust keep setting me up to fall, people I know in real life won’t ever accept my existence if they knew who I really was, and my own mental health problem and self loathing are eating me alive. But that isn’t the total of it.

Crumbling Pillar: I’ve always ended up in the position where things were thrown onto me. In which no one wanted to do, I was stuck with. Because of this not only do I have a severe distaste being around my family (beyond everything mentioned before hand) but I grew to have a negative out look on everything. This effect is still quite obvious in my writings, especially my poems. Out of the 14 poems on my poem blog @washed-soul​, only one has a happy meaning.

The one happy poem was called dreams. Under a metaphor it talks about how a demon kept me trapped in a dark space. I start to get better and nearly break free before I have a negative relapse back to my old ways. The poems ends with the demon putting a end to itself leaving the nightmare in which it was keeping me in to slowly fade away, letting one crack of light peeking through to become a window to a door until one day I walk free. When writing this poem, I never thought I would find myself rebuilding the nightmare but that’s where I am.

I’m done with holding things together that other people have placed onto me. Because of this, issues have began showing in my private life. Issues that should’ve been solved decades ago are only now being addressed. This change in the status quo of my life has caused many issues in my productive and mood. Between everything else I’m too tired to do anything.

Is that a reason, is that an excuse. No it isn’t but it’s the best thing I got as a reason. I’m doing my damnedest to do the best I can but of course, when it comes to the thing that matter I just fall short. Big fucking whopha my intelligence and capability does me if I can’t use it for anything that means a damn.

Meaningless Triviality: I’m a very emotional person. I’m very strongly bound to my emotions and if everything above hasn’t given it away, my emotions are very negative prone. But it just doesn’t stop there, it goes back into my memories. I can only honestly place 3 happy memories for certain that aren’t either A) a dream or B) me escaping reality through my mind. Besides that, almost all my memories are negative. 

People like to throw around the word Nihilist to describe themselves because today's culture is very, god while I hate to use this word, edgy. For those who don’t know a Nihilist is someone who views the world as being completely  meaningless and reject all religious and moral principles. I very truly struggle with this outlook of life. It’s a daily for me to berate myself saying “just kill yourself” or “I want to die” or just shutting down and crumpling up while say “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” over and over again. Hell, I did that while writing this. 

I take things very hard, even the slightest transgression. I’m so used to trying to make things perfect and because people have the image that I’m the smart one, the mature one, the capable one, I’m left with the over hanging expectation of excellence. Almost no room for margin of error or being human. Since I’m the silent type, I put up no challenge and work to meet it. Only time I get any praise for anything too. 

I guess as a little self promotion to my main blog, for those that have read the very first few updates of my main blog @the-truth-behind-redacted, or read Defiance’s character sheet, while The Machine and Defiance are separate character, they both share the name Machine. That in part is a reflect of said above expectation. How ravenous and inhuman it can be all under the guise of something human. Those characters are the two sides to the same coin. 

Remember how I said I try to be un-problematical and how I try to avoid any potential conflict. In the first segment I told on how I lied about my feelings just so another person didn’t have to worry over something that honestly, in hindsight, wasn’t even really a big deal. But I also said how it consumed me in anger. I just don’t want to bother anyone over anything. It’s part of the reason why I am writing this post, as some way of a self enforced rehab program to get better. 

This absolute consumption of negative emotion has pushed me into a non human state before. I hit a point of absolute mental exhaustion and in such a self enforced bubble of actual hatred I became completely apathetic. I felt numb to everything. I watched and heard of terrible things happening to people, and felt nothing. I watched people lives crumble before them leaving them nowhere to go and LAUGHED. “Just another worthless pathetic worm on this rotting carcass of a planet being hit with the hard reality that life doesn’t care for them. What whimsical pathetic bullshit they deluded themselves with to think otherwise.” This isn’t an exaggeration on how I thought, this is what I actually thought. Which brings me too.

The Mandatory Sob Story: Roll your eyes everyone and get the tiny violin. I guess in order for everyone to exactly understand the place I’m coming from when it comes to mental health I’ll have to detail my experiences. I have a long standing history with mental illness. I have professionally diagnosed OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, and visual and auditory hallucinations. I take 600 mg of Seroquel a day as well as Amitriptyline when needed. I’m also still currently in therapy to deal with said OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, the visual and auditory hallucinations, as well as Suicidal thoughts, and my Nihilism. There’s a reason to why I’m so god damn familiar with mental illness and treatment plans.  

OCD and Bipolarism run in my family on my fathers side. My Father’s Father had them, my Sister has them, my brother most likely has them (however he refuses to see a doctor because he uses said possible mental illnesses as a get out of jail free card. He doesn’t want to be treated and he has FUCKING ADMITTED IT), my father has them, and I have them. I, however, have the misfortune of having it real bad. I said yes to well over half of all the total symptoms when I was being tested (I don’t remember exact numbers but I remember there being three pages worth of common symptoms) which was very worrying to the doctor. I was currently in an inpatient hospitalization program at the time for both suicidal thoughts and actions, and severe depression. 

On that, my graze in with suicide. Before I went into my first inpatient program I was contemplating suicide. I was sat in front of a mirror with a bottle of over the counter medication. It was an unopened bottle of ibuprofen, 1000 200mg tables. What I planed to do was down the whole bottle with benadryl and die in my sleep. I had the small box of benadryl got from the Kroger pharmacy and a hand full of ibuprofen poured out looking directly into the mirror. My suicide note was sitting on the desk on my room with an online copy on my laptop open.

I sat there for an hour in the dead of midnight complicating my life. I had lost all hope in the world, filled with hatred, anger, pain, and despair. I had no god or after life to look forward too, part way hoping that a Hell existed for me to burn in. I hated myself that much. I was close to taking the first handful before before I caught a glimpse of my own eyes in the mirror. In what was in a weird sudden epiphany I realized that I truly did become what I hated but not for any reason I told myself. I became the very bastion of negativity I sought to fight and rid of in what little friends I did have. That was what set off my path to recovery in spite of the medical system. I guess if people care I’ll make a separate post on that. 

Before I move on, I feel I should explain my history with the visual and auditory hallucinations. It should be no surprise that with everything else above, I also had extreme paranoia that led to me having very bad insomnia. Insomnia is, just like most other medical disorders like Depression, Self-harm, Anxiety, OCD,  Bipolarism, is romanticized to hell. Insomnia isn’t having one nights bad sleep where you got 5 hours of sleep instead of 8.

You know what Insomnia is? insomnia is being physical incapable of sleeping despite not sleeping in 2 to 3 day while your body suffers massive agony brought on by this. Muscle spasms and seizing, difficulty breathing, your eyes feeling like fire ants are eating them, and of course visual and auditory hallucinations. Now I already had issues with visual and auditory hallucinations even when I could get sleep regularly but the combined effects of my OCD and Bipolarism made this perfect condition of Insomnia, Anxiety, Paranoia, with the already added in disposition to hallucinations and I felt like I was actually losing my mind. 

My hallucinations presented themselves in three forms. Disassociation of reality, night terrors, or alterations of reality. Disassociation of reality often were complete black out moments. I would lose any perceived connect to reality and enter an episode of my mind. I can’t remember what they actually were but I do remember what it felt like. Cold sweats, anxiety to point where if I didn’t lock up I would vomit, actual physical pain, mind numbing fear, and intense fatigue. 

The second were night terrors often in the form of horrific “things.” I do remember these and most of them were as best as I could describe, forms of things that were vaguely human and formations of industrial machinery. The most vivid one I remember was of a long lengthy apparition that was for the most part human but many locations of it’s impossible physiology were rebar beams and mechanical sockets. It began when I was about to fall asleep and it was next to my window. The thing was making week groaning and gasping sounds before it violently slammed against my window breaking it then letting out a horrific howl that I can’t describe as it tossed itself out followed shorty after with the sound of bones breaking against the dirt. 

Now that might not seem so bad, exspecally with everything that is in horror movies or games now, but keep in mind that was fucking real to me. It was as real as the clicking of the keys of my keyboard as I’m writing this. As real as the chair I’m sitting in and as real as the wall in front of me. As far as my mind was concerned that thing, what ever it was, actually existed. It took me physical touching my window to make sure it wasn’t actually broken and checking outside to see if there wasn’t a body there. This isn’t the type of thing I talk about lightly. 

Finally there is the alteration of reality. This is very simply but it’s something that fucked with me hard. For very little meaning or warning, I would have trouble interpreting the world around me. My hearing and sight would be warped and there wasn’t any real way to tell what I was hearing or seeing was real or not until the episode was over. The way I got through these was the ultimate fake it till you make it. Obviously, very often I failed and this created issue in my schooling. 

Ending Message: I’ve been in a very bad state for a while now and as it is now, no signs of getting better. I also strongly believe my medications are being to fail me which I’ve been telling my doctor and therapist for over a year now but nothing’s been done. Mainly it’s my Depression but insomnia episodes are beginning and my own paranoia been on the rise. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even look at a creepy image or thumbnail without having a very bad episode. 

I’ve managed to eat something today which was nice but my body is cramping hard. And to possible stave of a possible comment, I’m biologically male. Like I said I’m not in the best head space, or living for that matter. If this gets better, only time will tell. 

[fucking-tobi]

Trans problems with Tobi

-My mother comparing gender to trix yogurt because you mix it together and get a different color and some people add sprinkles????? (Dont ask what she meant bc i have no clue)

-My mom pressures me to come out saying that my father wouldnt say transphobic things because he would know that it could upset me. That honestly makes it worse because he wouldn't change his opinion he would just change the words he says.

-My mom (seems reoccurring 🤔) once compared people who identify as things like nonbinary and gender fluid to someone puting a carcass in a blender and trying to put it back together when it comes out. I can't even list all the things wrong with that. She then told me one day I would unscramble my yogurt so thats nice.

-My mother (she strikes again) had blamed my identity as a trans boy on a hormonal imbalance based off of an irregular menstrual cycle. I have tried so many times that dysphoria has nothing to do with not getting my period (icky subject im sorey). There are so many layers to being trans and having dysphoria.

-growing up in such a religious environment, not that I have any problem with religious people because everyone deserves respect ♡, I grew up relatively homophobic myself. By grow up I mean maturing obviously I'm still a minor, anyway, I realized my identity and it was huge struggle for me to come to terms with, I first started questioning even just my sexuality at the worst time in my life, we had just lost the house I grew up in and I was living in a very abusive environment with my aunts parents and six year old cousin, none of which are well educated or willing to educate themselves on LGBT+ things at all. When i first started questioning things i wrote it down in a dumb green notebook and said i was a lesbian at the time. This wasn't the first time i had considered things, i had questioned my gender earlier in the year but i was like nope after that and supressed it so oof. My dumb ass left this green notebook in the bathroom because i was looking at myself in the mirror being dumb and self loathing or some shit and my mom found it. She confronted me and said she loved me still but also said "just dont tell me you're a man or anything" and she said later that it was a joke but i dont believe her. Obviously theres a lot more to the story but im going to stop here for now before I type out my entire tragic anime backstory. This is just my spam acc though so shrug. It isnt like this will get read but yknow i still want to know why trix yogurt is apparently a metaphor for gender.

[jiwonthirst]

Rules

Please leave if you are under the age of 18. I don’t care if your Korean age is 19 but you’re 17. If your international age is not over 18, please leave my page now. This is a place where nsfw content is held and minors are Absolutely Not Allowed To View It.

I will not tolerate any racism, sexism, transphobia, body shaming, Islamophobia, etc on this page. If I do happen to say/reblog something problematic, bring it up with me. I have been wrong before and am fine admitting my mistakes and removing the content.

On the gender of the reader in my self insert writings:

If you ask for something involving the reader, please know that if you do not state the gender of the reader, I will do my best to keep them genderless. That is, no pronouns and as little mentioning of the genitals and chest possible. I’m perfectly happy to write about trans people, pre or post op (whatever operation that may be considering theres so many that trans people can choose to do) as well as just cis people.

I do ask that if you want me to write male or female readers, that you say whether they are cis or trans. Otherwise I will just randomly pick if they are cis or trans myself. By default, I will write binary trans reader inserts as being on HRT and having had chest surgery but no bottom surgery. If you’d like it to be changed to suit you more individually, feel free to include that in either the same request message or hit me up with a followup.

If you specifically ask for a nonbinary insert, or you don’t specify, I will either avoid pronoun usage or use they/them and avoid mentioning sex characteristics when possible, as stated before. But again, feel free to specify “AFAB nb but uses he/him pronouns” or whatever you desire.

Also please note that I, myself, do not have a penis, so feel 100% free to correct me on anything I write incorrectly.

When it comes to things I will not write about:

ddlg squicks me out so I won’t ever use the word “Daddy” in a sexual connotation

rape

incest

pedophilia

I’m not about that cheating life; threesomes and poly relationships are great though

any kind of body fluids/excretions outside of cum and some spit or blood

abuse

underaged idols

assplay is highly unlikely

Groups/People I’ll Write About

ATEEZ - all members; any genre for everyone but Jongho - no smut for him

BtoB - Ilhoon & Minhyuk; any genre

DAY6 - go here

iKON - all members; any genre

Jay Park - any genre

Monsta X - all members, any genre for everyone but Shownu and Wonho - no smut for them

NCT - Johnny, Taeyong, Jaehyun, Ten; any genre

Super Junior - go here

The Rose - Woosung; any genre

Why only some people in some groups?/Why not smut for everyone?

First of all, I got real lazy making this list and if you ask I might write it anyway. Second of all, I’m very bad at learning faces/names, so it takes me a while to get everyone down. I’m especially struggling with NCT, since I don’t listen to Dream (just out of music choice preference) and again, I’m bad with recognition. I don’t write smut for everyone because I’m not really sexually interested in them. It’s nothing about the person, they’re just not my type.

[haonqq]

30 Day Yinro Challenge: Day 1-9

All of this ended up longer than intended so its 9 days under the cut lmao

1. the basics: introduce us to your watcher!

You enter the walls of Caed Nua, met with the sight of milling guests and locals alike, small market stalls lined up. It almost appears akin to a small village, people going about their business, be it building, shopping, watching the speech in the foyer you can’t quite hear from your distance, or perhaps attending worship in the small, homely church. It certainly wasn’t what you’d expected from all of the ghastly descriptions of the place from merely a year ago. You peel your eyes from the sight and make your way towards the Great Hall, but as you approach, looking like one to proposition the local thayn, a guard stops you. “You won’t be findin’ him in there.” She gestures behind her at the large door, cracked slightly but seemingly empty. “This time a’day he’s usually out by Brighthollow, working in the garden or cookin��. If he hasn’t been stolen off to help out with some other chore.” What she’s saying doesn’t quite make sense, and you aren’t inclined to believe her, but follow her directions back towards this ‘Brighthollow’. Passing through a few groups of gossiping locals, you find the building matching her description and look around. Nobody seems to be in the garden, though it does seem recently tended. The kitchen seems to be your next stop, but as you make your way towards the door, you hear something like a curse above you. Squinting up into the afternoon sky, you manage to spot a shingle as it slides off the edge of the roof, managing to move out of the way just in time to avoid it landing on you. You look up again to see an elf. You blink again, having not believed the rumors of a pale elf being the new thayn and owner of Caed Nua. “Oh, gods, sorry! Did it hit you? I should have been more careful, slipped right between my hands!” He looks as apologetic as he sounds, wiping a wrist along his forehead, thin locks of strawberry dusted pale hair sticking to the sweat on his face and neck. “Here, let me just-” And within a moment he’s down the ladder and in front of you, checking you over carefully before wiping a fleck of dirt off your shoulder, then clapping his hand there. “There we go, good as new!” It was harder to hear from above, but its clear he isn’t from the Dyrwood. Rauatain, if your memory is to be trusted, but he speaks Aedyran clearly enough. He smiles as he looks you over, crow’s feet wrinkling at the corner of his eyes and it’s only now you notice their striking pink color. “Ah, my apologies, Yinro Manaaki, Thayn and Lord of Caed Nua at your service. I take it you’re here to speak with me?” He starts out maintaining eye contact with you, but as he continues on he squats down to pick up the bits of broken shingle from the ground before standing again. You nod your affirmation, though you’re not sure what to make of him. He seems genuine enough, and the name matches. He smiles again, so genuinely you can tell everything he’s telling you is the truth. “You have excellent timing, I was just finishing up fixing the roof.” He disposes of the shingle pieces and wipes his hands on his pants, already dirty from previous wear. Then he gestures forward and takes a step towards the Great Hall, waiting on your before moving along, keeping at your pace. “So, what is it I can do for you?”

2. appearance: what race is your watcher? what do they look like? any scars, tattoos, or markings?

(photo by @riessene because its just,,, so good im cry)

I touched on a few things in the fancy dancy intro but! He’s a pale elf with strawberry blonde hair(though its on the lighter side) and of the lighter blue skin variety. Naturally, he’s covered in those white freckles because i love them He has two prominent scars, both on his face

The first is the scar on his mouth, which crosses both lips. While in a,, disagreement fight with his older adopted brother Branwen, there was always some shoving and punching and the like, but Branwen got a solid hit on him and Yinro managed to catch his face on something sharp and it just sliced through his lip and its healed but never really gone away,, The other is on his cheek, down to his jaw and he actually got this one when he met Aloth! Unable to talk the drunks down, Yinro assisted Aloth with taking them out for their safety and managed to catch one of the weapons on his cheek since he’s an idiot and doesnt use weapons when he fights and with everything going on with lack of sleep and all its unlikely it healed to full capacity and so it will remain for all his days

(im debating on one over his eyebrow at the beginning of Deadfire but that depends on how That starts exactly also debated on a tattoo but lbr i forget his scars all the time im good lmao)

3. personality & alignment: give us a look into your watcher’s personality! you can use theirmyers briggs type, d&d morality alignment, or just describe their motives and quirks.

As a start, Yinro is bordering the Neutral/Chaotic Good alignment, sticking closer to the Trying to keep lawful, but also following his own moral compass as to whether the Law is truly Good. He is however a supremely good person and tries to remain as honest as possible without putting someone in danger that doesnt need to be. While he is, as Eder put it, the type to “get involved”, in cases where the punishment seems deserved he won’t step in. However, while he does genuinely try to be good and make good decisions, part of it is attempting to make up for past wrongs and trying not to dip back into bad habits. He also has problems, because of that and misunderstanding teachings, avoids his anger. He used to let his anger pretty much control him, back when he was first adopted, and made a lot of trouble for people who didnt deserve it. He was supposed to be learning to control his anger and work with it and not let it control him, but ended up suppressing it in the long run. (which is going to be a primary Personal Conflict in Deadfire cause BOY is he pissed). But ultimately he’s a benevolent person and believes the best of everyone and believes that anyone can make up for their mistakes in the long run if they’re willing to try.

4. sexuality & gender: how does your watcher identify? is this important to them, or have they never given it much thought?

Gender hasn’t really been much of a focus for Yinro and he’s never really given it much thought. He probably thought about it a bit when literally soul searching provided his previous life was a woman, and if he didn’t already view gender as more of a biological thing than a soul bound thing or important at all, he’d probably be more fluid but he’s comfortable identifying as a man in this life.

Yinro is strictly attracted to men, both romantically and sexually, and is pretty important to him. While I dont think Rauatai in particular is against same-sex relationships, I think in his mind considering before being moved there he only lived with his mother and didn’t really interact with much anyone else he probably heard a lot about het relationships moreso thank gay ones and so when he got to a romantically interested age, he had that barrier of ‘but I SHOULD like women’ when realistically he was repulsed at the idea. It was a big part of realizing who he is and is much more important to him than gender.

This being said, he is a very touchy person (touchy being like. Physically touching peple, he enjoys physical contact) and isn’t opposed to being as touchy with female friends as long as they’re aware theres no romantic inclination there.

5. background: what’s your watcher’s culture and background? tell us a bit about their life before traveling to the dyrwood!

Yinro spent the first 20 years of his life in The White That Wends living a nomadic life with his biological mother. His father was still alive, but the relationship with his mother was purely to produce a child for her. She was a hunter, and decided clan life wasn’t for her, and so that was where Yinro grew up. An unfortunate accident after being ambushed by slavers hampered her mobility, and ultimately resulted in her death in an avalanche. This left Yinro travelling alone with no hint as to where a clan may be or really anyone at all. He lasted alright, knowing how to hunt and survive there, but that didn’t prepare him for the slavers catching up, trapping him and ‘escorting’ him to Rauatai for selling. He didn’t spend long in servitude but it was enough to twist his sorrow from losing his mother into an anger that would permeate the next 10 years of his life. Naturally when he managed to escape servitude, he was a scourge of the streets. Petty theft, shakedowns, anything to get by. After he was picked up by a kind dwarven woman with a knack for picking up troubled youth and adopting them named Vianna Manaaki, this behavior continued until he met his mentor. His mentor really kicked him a new one, but became almost like a father figure to him, even if he was temporary. After that, Yinro began to shape up and make amends for his previous wrongs and becoming a role model for his younger siblings and gaining some semblance of a normal siblinghood with Branwen, though the resentment for the trouble Yinro caused his mother was still there. He began making amends to a local tavern owner by washing his dishes, steadily becoming more and more interested in cooking while watching him in the kitchens. Over time, the owner began working with him to the point that Yinro was a full fledged assistant chef. Once the management changed, Yinro decided that was his time to set out and find somewhere he could really call his, always feeling a bit outcast. He set out for the Dyrwood after hearing about cheap land, hoping to find an inexpensive place to live and settle down and make a living off cooking. Then we find him with the caravan and WELL,, chefing didn’t work out.

Due to him spending a majority of his life in Rauatai, I went with the Rauatain Laborer background, though he does still follow some TWTW culturally, he’s more in tune with Rauatain (initially he was a drifter but ultimately didn’t fit with his bg)

6. family: who does your watcher consider family? do they place more importance on blood relatives or found family? do they keep in touch after traveling to the dyrwood?

Yinro always considers his birth mother family, but considers his adopted family (even Branwen) just as much family as she was. (guess who’s got nine fucking adoptive siblings, though two are older than Yinro) And while he does consider his companions family as well, there’s a different context, familial but definitely more on the ‘found family’ variety, whereas adoptive family are basically blood relatives in his his eyes. He was doing well keeping in contact with them on his way and at the beginning of the trip, but as things got more hectic and he got more tired, he didn’t want to worry them so he sent one final letter reassuring them that he was just getting busy and wouldn’t be in contact for a while. He has since resumed regular contact post-game.

7. stats & class: give us a rundown of those sweet, sweet base stats. do they line up with how you envision your watcher from a roleplay standpoint, or are they more gameplay based? do they line up with your watcher’s race and class? how did they begin training in their chosen class? (bonus! will they be multi-classing in deadfire?)

Not technically the stats i used in game, since these are from one of the replays with the laborer bg and more context to what the stats actually do. I try to stick closer to a roleplaying form rather than gameplay, but try to keep a clooose balance between the two, making it possible to do the things I want Yinro to be able to do as well as keep close to how he actually is. I think he is not nearly as perceptive or smart as the average elf assumedly is, he’s a lil bumpkin with no formal education but he’s not stupid either. I thinkkk its pretty good Monk stats though (okay he DOES have perception but he’s too much of a dingus to do anything about what he sees) I briefly touched on it in the bg question, but! (okay im changing how they met right now because i just came up with a better idea here we go lmao) Yinro was shaking some people down late at night, when his master(monk master/teacher is what i mean by master in this story) walks by. Of course, being in this part of town for a while he’s heard of Yinro, little shits got a rep. He waps Yinro over the back of the head with a his staff, knocking him down and dazing him, letting the two he was shaking down go but turning back to Yinro is able to recognize the pain and and anger behind his actions. Gives him two options: get turned over to the guard(again), or become his pupil and move past this. Yinro, conflicted but also WANTING to change and grow, took him up on the offer. And so for the next couple years he trained him in both combat and discipline, and Yinro stopped being so much of a little shit.

The plan IS for him to multiclass, but I’m not sure if I want him to be a Shadowdancer or a Brawler,,

8. fighting style & gear: what weapons and armor does your watcher use? are there any talents/abilities that they favor in combat? are there any that they refrain from using, for moral reasons or otherwise? (bonus! will they choose a sub-class in deadfire?)

A good portion of the game I had him in medium armor, but realistically he’s more likely to wear light armor(aka basically,, regular clothes,, with maybe a leather vest, MAYBE) He also didn’t use any weapons, depending purely on his little gay hands, though come Deadfire he’s realised that,, maybe he should,, use weapons and right now I have him using a sword/sabre in his main hand and dagger/stiletto in his off hand but thats subject to change depending on subclass and how viable monk is Debating on the Shattered Pillar subclass for monk, but Im not sure about a multiclass subclass (maybe avoid a subclass for one for simplicity’s sake)

9. reputations: what are your watcher’s dispositions? do they line up with how you envision your watcher? what are your watcher’s reputations? do they work to maintain any reputations, either good or bad?

Remember how i said Yinro was a good boy? When have I EVER lied to you?? I will say I didn’t play with dispositions on so a lot of the stoic options (esp the Hiravias one with the raw meat. Also Yinro would eat raw meat just not That Part) I was playing off for comedic effect which is. Really funny if you consider Yinro just being bad at jokes

Reputation wise he didn’t explicitly try for anyone to like him besides the Crucible Knights and that was so he could get into the peace talks since they seemed the closest Law without consorting with criminals or,, u know the Dozens,,, neither of which he was a fan of (he had some drawbacks with the knights ofc but less than the others) Which is probably why he ended up with some places only seeing him as a hero rather than a champion And some places,, not liking him much at all

[farakays]

2015 / 2020 abt me

TIME AND DATE: 21/5/15 and uh 5.28pm / 22/11/2020 and 2.49am

AVERAGE HOURS OF SLEEP: i usually 6-7 hours on weekdays because school and 6 am gross but on the weekends it depends what fanfics im reading/ whether i have time to do shit the next day. / i try for 6 but usually 4

LAST THING I GOOGLED: “peter ellis” bc there was a tribute to him on spn and i have no fucking clue who he is / “fukurodani #5” bc i was considering using that for my bio so i wanted to see what people would see if they googled it

NICKNAME: TREES which is short for teresa (funfact: my mom nearly called me marie terese after the saint and i thought it would be cool to be called marie because my nickname would be mars, i still think mars is a cool nickname) / trees

BIRTHDAY: 6/10/01 yo

GENDER: fluid / 99.5% cisgirl! gender is fucking fluid everyoneee!! it can change over time n thats ok!!! i am glad i got to explore my gender at 14 :-)

HEIGHT: im like 159 cm / 164.5cm

FAVORITE COLORS: black, 2012 kalel cullen’s hair, 2005 brendon urie’s lilac jacket type of color

ONE PLACE THAT KEEPS ME HAPPY: probably when im eating pepper lunch HAHAHAHA im kidding…not really but i think i just like being indoors when theres a huge storm under my covers / under my covers during a huge storm or in my room in general

HOW MANY BLANKETS DO I SLEEP UNDER: ONE / one!

WHAT AM I WEARING RN: lmao my fall out boy shirt and my primary school shorts WHICH YES, THEY FIT ME BUT I LITERALLY WEAR MY PRI SCHOOL SHORTS EVERYDAY / im wearing my canoeing shirt and underwear lol im in bed

LAST BOOK I READ: havent finished but the green mile / oh geeeez... i think i tried reading again in quarantine so it mightve been The Child? if we counting manga then bnha

FAVORITE BEVERAGE: oh god i sound 5 but i really like iced milo??? / water ...

FAVORITE FOOD: the most amazing concept of fucking pepper lunch / i do agree pepper lunch banger but i love tokotsu ramen so much

LAST MOVIE I WATCHED IN THEATERS: shit its been so long but the hobbit I REALLY NEED TO SEE A MOVIE SOON OMFG / man... quarantine AGAIN im actually not sure i think it was birds of a prey... w my ex LOL

DREAM VACATION: tokyo, london, america, camp half blood, hogwarts, all the factions. i kind of hella want to just get away at night and runaway for like 8 days which is impossible but me and natalie-caylen are gonna stay in the streets all night sometime during the june holidays / it’s funny i live in london now!!! but tokyo always.

DREAM WEDDING: two words: private. ceremony. but then again my parents would want in a church and blah blah catholic stuff. i just want a kickass priv ceramony followed by a movie marathon tbh / my commitment issues could never but yeah im not really picky would defo prefer something small and simple though

DREAM: to get to see one of my idols. / to be able to pay my parents back and take care of them properly (also to get first class honours)

DREAM JOB: youtuber but to be realistic, a fucking director or photographer or a lawyer or a writer. / right ok unrealistically i wouldve loved to work in music or film but realistically im currently working towards being a psychologist or a teacher for nd kids so yay

sorry for the long post !!!

[trashy-greyjoy]

Could you please list why I should read adsom. And what would you rate it as??? I really want to but I just something to get my lazy ass to do it!

of course! anything to make more people read it!!!! strap in because i have a feeling ill get carried away.

As ratings go, I’m biased because this is my favorite series of all time, like my holy grail, reread when I’m sad, recommend to every person I meet favorite series. So overall I’d say 5/5 as a whole because it’s just so good and I really do love it. But if I was gonna break it down by book and try to not be as biased I’d say ADSOM: 4.5/5, AGOS: 4/5, ACOL: 5/5. 

(But I know Delaney read them too and she liked the second book more than the first so it’s all relative, it just took me the longest to read AGOS)

I don’t know how much you know about the plot, but the gist is that theres a world where there are 4 different parallel versions of London all with varying degrees of magic.

Red London: lots of healthy magic to go around

White London: magic is dying and people are killing each other for it and it’s sick

Grey London: no magic; basically its our world

Black London: was destroyed by its own magic years ago

And the story follows Kell, who is a rare type of magician called an Antari that can travel between the London’s using blood magic. Yeah, blood magic. It’s tight. But one day he smuggles something back he’s not supposed to and all hell breaks loose. (EDIT: the magic system is based off the elements kinda like Avatar: The Last Air Bender. Most people control one, some 2, rarely 3, and then Antari’s control all 4, plus blood magic like an Avatar would)

The main reason you should read it though I would say is the characters, and their relationships because damn. I’m the kind of person that tends to appreciate characters over plot and this is one of the books that has some of the best written characters that are so dear to me, while also having a great plot! Like I’m not kidding when I say I love every single member of the core four (who I consider to be Lila, Kell, Rhy, and Alucard) almost equally and I’d die on a hill of them. So to break it down:

Lila Bard: My baby. My queen. Basically if Kaz Brekker and Inej (from SoC) ever had a baby in the future and she picked up some of Jesper’s sarcasm you’d get Lila. She’s a thief from Grey London with an affinity for knives (like lots and lots of knives). She’s tiny and will 100% fight you. Also, oh yeah she’s gender fluid and pansexual so isn’t that fucking amazing. Seriously tho I love her

Kell Maresh: My poor, tired, royal son that just wants to live his life. He’s one of only 2 known Antari in existence, from Red London. Adopted son of the royal family. He really loves his brother a lot. Has a permanent scowl. He’s precious.

Rhy Maresh: Kell’s adopted brother. I LOVE HIM. He’s a huge flirt, and likes to be as dramatic and eccentric as possible, but in reality he really just wants to be a good king some day. He’s been through it a few times. BISEXUAL BEAN.

Alucard Emery: He shows up in book 2. A pirate privateer for the crown. He’s amazing. Can you tell I love all these characters? But seriously he’s also had a hard time. He and Kell really don’t get along. He loves his cat. No confirmed sexuality, but the boy is faaarrrrrr from straight so do with that what you will.

+ Holland Vosijk: Honestly one of the most morally grey characters, Schwab has such a talent for writing them. But he’s such a conflicting character and he’s so hard to describe, but I’ll just say I changed my opinion about him like 18 times reading the series. He’s the other Antari, from White London

Also the relationships, platonic and romantic, are so well developed. Like they feel so organic and amazing and I love all of them and it just feels right. All of them feel so right. Like it’s not an OTP unless they first meet when she robs you and leaves you bleeding in an alley.

Some plot points include: a stone containing an unlimited source of pure magic (but its actually evil), sociopathic albino twins totally down for torture and murder, a magic tournament, pirates, a floating secret (black) market place, and an all out war for the magic of the world.

I hope that worked for getting you motivated. It’s so good It really is.