#there's two more parallel sets i need to make then i might be done

[claraoswalds]

What is that thing? Sonic screwdriver. But a screwdriver needs screws.

[menlove]

can you direct me to any good fics set in the hamburg days or just anything pre-beatlemania?

oooh yeah ! i loooove hamburg & early days fics so certainly :) i didn't include any paris fics in this even though it technically fits the bill of pre-beatlemania just bc that's a totally different vibe & genre of fics tbh

hamburg:

I Need My Love to Be Here

explicit. 8k. After John gets his first panic attack in Hamburg, he starts to realize that Paul might be the only person who can bring him back to himself.

Put My Heart Around the Bend

explicit. 60k. He nodded and they sat across from each other on the window sill, the clammy air from outside kissing their cheeks. John watched Paul as he lit their cigarettes, as he had done so many times before. They held eye contact, and John just knew Paul could hear how hard his heart was beating. But he wouldn't say anything. Neither of them ever said anything.

Like Love, The Archers Are Blind

explicit. 22k. He wants to push Stuart out of the way, not even with a violent yank of his collar like he sometimes imagines. Just to melt into his place like butter sliding in a pan. Have it be an effortless breath of fresh air when John looks up at him and sees it all reflected back in his eyes. It’s you. Hamburg, 1960.

Running with Scissors

explicit. bluewater9: Hannah, a smutlet idea… So just what happened AFTER John cut the clothes off that girl in Hamburg? What a conversation and, ahem, J/P consequence that must have been!

No More Situations

explicit. 14k. Set during the Hamburg years. John gets jealous of a German guy who likes Paul.

Everything's Different in Germany

explicit. 4.5k. It all feels upside down, like the door to that shop was an entrance to some parallel universe or Wonderland-like rabbit hole. He isn’t hiding under the covers with a flashlight in one hand, his throbbing cock in the other, and some meticulously-posed bird’s chest spilling over the pages and onto his lap. Instead he’s in some Hamburg back alley, the concrete chilly beneath his bum and his best mate warm by his side, while he gazes over naked men and pretends not to feel the unexpected interest in his trousers.

ageless children, animal sweat

mature. 5k.

Paul is sitting close enough to see properly, one elbow on the bartop, hand tucked beneath his chin. His eyes are beetle black and his long spidery eyelashes are twitching under the harsh club lights. It makes John sort of sick to look at him. Pale face in stark chiaroscuro, gleaming with animal sweat, Paul looks otherworldly, like something neither man nor woman. Hamburg, 1960. John and Paul go to a gay bar after a late show.

general early days:

Above Us Only Sky

teen. 1k. Nowhere to go but up.

Some Girls Will Make You Shiver

explicit. 4k. “How d’you suppose,” John said, in his normal John-voice, “how’d you think two girls go at it?”

On The Way To Work

explicit. 14k. How could Paul have so many dreams and one of them not come true? Paul and John, Hamburg and Liverpool, December 1960.

two of us (burning matches)

explicit. 6k. It won't stop raining. Paul doesn't know what his feelings are doing. John's practising his right swing. Somewhere along the way, they fuse together.

The Drainies

mature. 11k. Written for the prompt: John bullies Paul into wearing tight drainies and the result awakens something in both of them (Can also include some John vs Jim stuff since Jim didn’t approve of Paul wearing tight clothes).

Boy, You've Been A Naughty Girl

explicit. 49k. John makes Paul a bet. Paul takes him up on it. Crossdressing shenanigans and angst ensue, and ~feelings come out in the wash. 1961.

now and then (there's a fool such as i)

mature. 30k. users only. John and Paul on their trip to Caversham, Berkshire. April, 1960.

christmas lights (keep shinin' on)

mature. 12k. (prompt: paul takes john to the family christmas party in 1958) "I'd have you," Paul said, eventually, and John felt the air being knocked out of him. "If it was different. If we were different."

Come And Go With Me

mature. 94k. When two oblivious teenage boys meet for the very first time in the summer of 1957, a transcending bond to be passed on through decades to come makes its initial formation; a sanctuary, a home, a secret, a storm, a song, and a love to surpass the regular circumstances of time itself; it all starts in a city called Liverpool - but where will it take them from there?

also not to be that person but i WILL also whore out the first part of the series i'm writing w @forthlin here that's early days/getting together: i want you (every time that you're near)

[absolutebl]

Do you have any recent recommendations for JBL TaiwanBL and KBL? Been rewatching only bls from 2021 2022 and I feel like I'm out of the loop for the more recent ones.

Maybe something from this year or late last year?

Great JBL, TaBL, and KBL from 2023 & first half 2024

asker added:

Genre = mostly anything. But pls avoid homophobic trauma (like Jazz for Two).

Fair. Okay here we go!

2023 Recs!

I picked mostly 9s and 10s for you with a few 8s I felt specifically might suit your taste.

I Cannot Reach You AKA Kimi ni wa Todokanai

Japan Netflix

This classic friends-to-lovers BL is everything Japan does best. Angsty. Emo. Aching. Driven by real thirst. Yamato is deeply in love with his childhood bestie, Kakeru, and has been for ages, unable to hide his ungainly damaging high school need. He wants Kakeru in every way possible and it oozes off of the screen. Kakeru is silly and a little simple, but not frenetic or overly camp about it. He is earnest, and genuinely wants to keep Yamato in his life which means giving a romance (and gayness) a fair chance. We watch him realize his affection and what form it can take in a truly authentic way. This show was impossibly kind to both of its lead characters and I felt almost honored that I got to watch something so lovely and rare play out on my screen.

Our Dating Sim

Korea Viki

This is a perfect short form KBL, an office set reunion romance featuring geeks that really suits 8 eps with no fluff and no chaff. Just comforting and yummy. I adored every aspect from the casting to the pristinely simple premise to the quietly smooth execution. Sure it’s low stakes, but that makes it high domesticity and extremely warm and gentle. This is a fuzzy blanket of a story - a cozy BL. It lives in my rewatch pile and you know what’s best about it? Every single episode is in that pile. There’s no skipping with this one, it might be good natured and calmly sweet but it’s tight and the pacing is excellent.

I don't hand out 10/10 often (over 700 BLs watched, stil don't hvae 10 10/10s yet), these both got that from me in 2023. I consider both of them perfect BLs.

My Personal Weatherman AKA Taikan Yoho

Japan Gaga

This style of live action yaoi really only works from Japan. Basically: boys who fell in love in college end up living together but both are so repressed they actually don't realize they're in love. It's higher heat than we usually get from Japan's HEA stuff, and that part is also very well done, but it leaned into the "why don't they just talk for fuck's sake?" trope which is only exacerbated into undiluted frustration by the fact that they're already fucking. It's great, but watching requires more patience than usual, even for Japan.

Our Dining Table AKA Bokura no Shokutaku

Japan Gaga

A lonely salaryman (+ talented cook) gets accidentally adopted by a college kid and his little brother. I was always gonna love this show if they stuck to the original yaoi (which is very dear to my heart). And they did! Paralleling it almost exactly. It’s a quiet & cozy little parable of found family alleviating loneliness. Possibly too slow for some but definitely high up there for me as the best of what Japan can do with softness (like Restart After Come Back Home). It’s only flaw (if I dare say such a thing) is that it is not really “romantic.” Lovely & sweet but the romance beats are being used to build a family relationship, not just couple intimacy, but that's OK with me. This is a very safe show for anyone to watch.

Jun and Jun

Korea Viki

A delightful office romance about an ex-idol who joins cubical life only to find his new boss is his first love. Others boys are sniffing around too. Operative word being "sniffing" as much of this romance involves smell. With a snappy (sometimes even raunchy) script, enjoyable sides, a pretty as peaches cast, and descent chemistry this show made up for in style what it lacked in substance. I like fluff. I loved this. I smiled every moment I was watching. With tons of rewatch potential (especially the last few eps), my only caution is this is for fans of the BL genre only, I don’t think it’ll work for anyone else.

Love Tractor

Korea iQIYI

Most of this country-set BL had me feral for the beautiful broken city boy and his hot young farmer. Hyung romance, puppy/cat pairing, open frankness meets jaded reserve, language play, water hose frolicking, only one bed, just all my favorite tropes. This show was basically a light-weight Restart After Come Back Home and I’m not even slightly mad about that. But (and you knew there was a “but” comg) something about the cringe of the final 2 eps and the impermanence of the ending (both of which highlight the fact that ultimately these 2 are I’ll-suited: too different and too far apart) left me with the feeling that they probably won’t last as a couple. However, in this case, rare for me, I forgive it this finale for my love of the rest.

The New Employee

Korea Viki

So good, SO QUEER, so soft, a near pitch perfect office BL with conflict derived from that setting. Also found family and a lesbian bestie. Sweet & innocent (and out) Seung Hyun scores the office internship of his dreams. On his first day at work he gets into it with his cool reserved (and also v gay) boss. As you do. Frankly? This is what I wanted from this new crop of office set KBLs ALL ALONG. Rainbow rice cakes forever! Directed by queer activist Kim Jho Gwang Soo (Just Friends?) partly set in the same neighbourhood as the To My Star house. Gotta love WATCHA (Semantic Error, Light on Me).

Unintentional Love Story

Korea iQIYI

OMG the plot, forced into a totally understandable betrayal, falling in love despite himself, put into a corner he can't get out of, the AGONY, the eyes EMOTING at us in PAIN A boy who just lost his job due to faked corruption charges accidentally discovers his ex-boss's favorite artist, now a recluse. Evil manager offers him his job back if he can convince the artist to rejoin society. Instead, they fall in love. I found the artist a bit stiff and reserved but Gongchan (maknae of B1A4) is a fucking GIFT - he carried this show (which I do not expect from the idol element). He was lumous with extraordinarily expressive eyes, just drown in the emoting abyss. The external conflict, social tension and pressure is complex and beautifully executed, plus Korea gave us legit side dishes (NOT a love triangle, hally-fucking-luya). I’m not sure on rewatchability, and it didn’t whip me into a verbal frenzy the way some KBLs do, but it still gets a solid 9/10 for those damn eyes alone.

A Breeze of Love

Korea iQIYI

Tsundere insomniac grump reunited with his sunshine jock ex (human sleeping pill) who now hates him. Basketball is also involved. While the simplicity of a reunion plot makes this more cohesive than most KBLs, it is a tad stiff and slow, never managing to lift itself out of "pretty and pretty enjoyable" - I liked it but I don’t think I’m going to remember much about it. 

Bon Appetit

Korea iQIYI

Romance between an office worker the man from his past next door who cooks well. It was very sweet and cute tale of food as love in the All the Liquors family of KBL. I’m not wild about it, I did enjoy it, I was happy to have it show up on my dash, but ultimately it will simply become one of the KBL crowd.

Why R U?

(Korean adaptation of Thai original) iQIYI

Korea decided to remake, of all possible Thai BLs, Why RU? And that is exactly what we got: a short form, clean & pretty, slightly confusing, uneven chemistry, all the same tropes KBL that kind of cliff-noted the original but with none of the heat or complex relationship dynamics. I just … what world is this? Because it is BOTH bizarro land, and EXACTLY what I expected. How do I rate it? In the end I have to go back to simple questions: did I like it, would I rewatch it, and would I recommend it? Yes. Probably. And probably not. What the actual hell?

It did, however win my best kiss of 2023 which is why it's on this list.

Stay By My Side

Taiwan Viki

I wanted to pick SOMETHING from Taiwan but my other two options both had lots of trauma in them. So I'm going with this one.

This show was an interesting take on the "ghost boyfriend" trope. About a boy who is tormented by hearing the dead, except when he is around one other boy - desperation+proximity = love. Unfortunately, the story was erratic and waffled about. While the leads turned in solid performances and the sappy domesticity was off the charts, it never really had the strength of the narrative convictions such a strong concept should have supplied. Highly rewatchable and enjoyable for that sappy domesticity but not a whole lot more. Still I always give extra credit for the diabetes-inducing sugar content and rewatch capacity.

And some suggestions from 2024

I'm only suggesting stuff that has finished it's run and isn't currently airing.

Although I Love You and You AKA Sukiyanen Kedo Do Yaro ka

Japan Gaga

The promise of this show, younger cook courts older divorced office worker, should have been my catnip. I mean if someone pitched this to me in an elevator I would have downloaded it by the second storey. Unfortunately, it did not exactly fulfill that promise, not in the way I'd hoped. Did I still enjoy the ride, yes, but I feel just a little let down.

Living With Him AKA Kare no Iru Seikatsu

Japan Gaga

Kindly Ryota goes to uni and ends up rooming with his former childhood bestie, Kazuhito. Kazuhito doesn’t have a girlfriend for, as it turns out, cute roommate reasons. Same director as Old Fashion Cupcake, the framing is gorgeous and it is a stylish piece. As a friends to lovers cohabitation narrative this was a classic 2000s sweet yaoi. I enjoy that kind of tradition out of Japan even if it (and the characters) come off as a little slow as a result. Still, it's nice to get a traditional BL out of Japan that is satisfying, not slapstick, AND did not hurt us.

[124ndm]

villain!deku rambles.. eeerrmmm

i rlly want to start a comic about villain!deku, but im a little hesitant because i feel like it would be WAY too big of an undertaking for me..

but if ur at all interested, my ideas are below the cut. ^_^

My concept would start with the sludge villain incident. Other heroes get to saving bakugou before both midoriya or all might. This, in turn, means that he never gets OFA.. and never joins the hero course (yadada im sure this has all been written before). However I DO think that he would still join UA. Thats really my main motivation behind making a comic like this. In a lot of villain!deku stuff I see, he tends to abandon hero work altogether.. which i just dont think he'd do!! midoriya is VERY determined when he has his mind set on something, so I feel like he'd find some way to go to UA one way or another.

So, what would make him a villain then?? Well, it would definitely be a gradual build-up overtime. Assuming he takes the support-course route (which ig would make this a mashup of two aus, LOL), I think it would start with him helping vigilantes. Low-level illegal heroes convince him that by making support items, midoriya can advance in his field. He keeps doing these sorts of favors, knowing its unethical, out of a desperation to feel useful and help the 'heroes.'

I also think as a sort of parallel to bakugo, he'd start hanging around bad classmates like bakugo did during middle school. Being in a support course as opposed to a hero course means a very different demographic of students. We see a lot of instances IRL of students going into engineering good intentions, only to throw away morals for higher paying jobs (i'm sure yall have seen those Lockheed Martin tiktoks, need I say more 💀). We know characters like mei hatsume are very honest and dedicated to their craft, but what are the lower-level students like? What about the other classes? We don't really see much of that, so I think it'd be fun to explore the morally gray students of UA.

I think his final breaking point would be when he gets in kahoots with Giran. I don't think giran would immediately clock midoriya as a potential recruit, but instead would change his mind later: seeking out midoriya after Shigaraki shows interest in bakugo. (sure, they aren't in the same class anymore, but both of them being in UA works as a convenient connection).

After midoriya gets with shigiraki, I believe he'd certainly get a quirk (whether or not midoriya actually wants it, Im sure theyd give him one anyways. more power to their organization, and more leverage over midoriya). Soon after, the LoV would get into an altercation with class 1-A, which would probably get him expelled. Although, in-turn, fuel a stronger disproval towards hero society (and also compel izuku to get better at using his quirk, knowing that he has a lot of catching up to do).

And duh as the cherry on top, there'd be bkdk angst.. bakugo only realizing that midoriya got into UA after seeing his association with the league. The weird guilty feeling bakugou would get knowing that a kid he bullied ended up becoming a villain, but also pure anger at knowing that he even got into UA in the first place. And also, the inevitable midoriya/bakugo fight that would happen when the league and class 1-A have more encounters.

I haven't exactly decided on how to end it, but I feel like it would end with either a redemption or something similar to the whole togachako situation. More likely a redemption because, lets be for real here, midoriya is so kind-spirited that even as a villain: he'd probably fold when faced with a genuine bakugo apology or heart-to-heart All Might encounter LOL.

anyways im deffff yapping here, I did NOT intend for this post to be so fucking long HELP. I just really wanted to get my stupid ideas written down. Like i said earlier, this has prob been done before if we're being quite honest.. but I still I think making a comic like this would be sooo fun. But godd i am NOT a good writer so I worry that I would start and then never finish. aaaaah 😭😭

I'll just have to see if my motivation sticks around these next few weeks. If so, I'll probably start drafting this out!! If I do lose interest, well then.. this'll be the last you hear of my villain!deku rambles LMAO. I rlly hope I don't lose interest because this would be the first time ive written since like, early high school, and I really want to get back into writing again. Even in comic form, any kind of writing would be great practice for me. Dx

[wingedjellyfishflight]

Freedom Calls

Sneaking in here just might be the dumbest thing you have done, but you can't sit idly by and watch this man be tortured and killed by your corrupt organization. You might not have any better options, but you know that he does. He just needs help getting to them. At least you are good with a lockpick and have security access as a guard. Makes it easier that way. Though, your keycard will be traced to you, and you know that means your life is forfeit. They haven't had time to start on him, though, which means that he should be well enough to escape once he is out the door. And the guard on duty tonight is well known for falling asleep at the job, hiding in a closet nearby. So that should mean you don't have to hurt anyone.

The only thing you didn't account for was him. The man himself.

"Why are you here? What do you want? This is a trick, I know it! No, I'm not playing your games." Finally, you resort to ordering him to cuff up and putting a bag over his head. You drag him out, fighting him every step and pretend to anyone you come across that you've been ordered to bring him to interrogation room 15, which no one wants to admit they have no clue where that is, so your confidently bored voice gets you most of the way across the facility without an issue.

You drag him into an empty bathroom and shove him to the handicap stall before dragging the hood off and uncuffing him.

"What-? Where?!" You shove a hand over his mouth.

"Keep your voice down. I'm trying to set you free, you idiot! Out that window about 10 yards is the perimeter fence. It's got a hole at the bottom that you can crawl through, and then it's straight to the woods from there. North of those woods is a main road where your team can pick you up if they are watching. Shouldn't take more than 10 minutes at a flat out, so long as you don't trip. Now, go already before we get caught, and I die for nothing!"

He seems torn for a moment. You think he is unsure if he should believe you, but the truth is almost worse. He grabs you and tosses you out the window before jumping out himself. Wrapping his hands in the straps of your tac vest, he half carries you like a doll, shoving you through the hole in the fence and following quickly. There are no shouts of alarm yet, luckily. He quickly pulls you to your feet and shoves you toward the woods. You start running, knowing if you are caught, then you're both dead.

At the wood's edge, you hear the first shouts. They are focused inside, and you know they have discovered that he is missing. You pick up the pace, guiding the two of you to a deer path that you know from your leisurely walks at lunch in the forest. He follows you, and you signal to follow the path. Surging past, he goes into a flat-out run. You struggle behind him, doing your best to keep up.

You hear a squad moving behind you. If they catch him, it's game over for both of you, but you know if they catch you that you can be a distraction, giving him a chance to escape. So you duck down a side path, barely wide enough for precise steps. It takes you mostly parallel to the road, east instead of north. After a few hundred feet, you begin purposely making extra noise to attract attention. You can hear them changing direction to follow you, slowed down by the heavier brush. The further you go, the more you outpace them and the less purposeful noise you make. Another few hundred meters or so, and you realize they have turned back, likely assuming they have chased wildlife instead of their target.

Breathing a tiny sigh of relief, you continue looking for a fork in the path to take you north again. You find it surprisingly quickly and come out onto the road about a mile away from the main trail. Almost immediately, you are held at gun point by a man who sports an enemy uniform. Well, an hour ago, he was your enemy, but now, you're not sure.

"Has he made it here yet? The trail I sent him on was only a mile south, and he was far ahead of me." Your question seems to put the man off kilter for a long moment. Too long. You brace yourself, waiting for him to kill you. Instead, a masked man comes around the corner of the vehicle.

"That's the one. Handcuff her and put her in the back. Let's go." You flinch as he handcuffs you tightly but cooperate every step of the way. You're sandwiched between the two men, and you sit quietly as the masked man drives the truck away. Surprisingly, it's as straightforward as just driving down the road to a nearby airport to escape. On board a big military plane, the questions start. They hate your answer that it was a spontaneous decision, and you just didn't think it was right, keeping him there. It's nearly an hour of questions before they seem satisfied.

You can't believe it when they just uncuff you back at the military base. Rather than let you walk away, the masked man pins you to the wall, pressing his body against yours. "You cannot return," he says bluntly.

You shake your head. "No, I can't go back."

He stares at you for a long moment. "Then, you are mine," he says with a growl, dragging you to his quarters without a further word, determined to cement your place at his side.

Alternate Ending

[lizzybeth1986]

Maxwell and Penelope: When You Like Your Side Character So Much, You Gift Her a Shiny New LI

Series - TRR's Alternative LIs: The Romances that Didn't Happen

Previous - Liam and Olivia: When You Prefer the Side Character to the Main

A/N: There won't be a lot of exploration on Maxwell x Penelope, as there is very little the pair gets in canon. I will be largely looking at their individual characterizations and the changes and retcons made there. There will be a lot of exploration on Penelope x Ezekiel.

CW: Mentions of Penelope's actions as part of Constantine's nefarious plot against the MC in TRR1 & 2, mentions of Penelope's social anxiety.

(Screenshots from the Skylia YouTube Channel, Drake playthrough)

Compared to the other three alternative romances, Maxwell x Penelope turned out to be a bit of a one-chapter wonder. It was extremely short-lived, and the only indication that it had ever happened was one conversation between Penelope and the MC in TRR2 Ch 6, after which there is no reference to it, ever again.

In my mind there are two major factors behind this pairing being left behind, which I will get into later in this essay. However, what I find even more interesting is what the narrative and the writing team did with Penelope after they set aside that subplot. What did TRR3 give her in lieu of this alternative romance, and why, and what does it tell us about the narrative that she alone got that?

But before we can get into that, we need to look (separately) at how Maxwell and Penelope were written in TRR1, and how it culminated in the characterizations they got by TRR2.

The Evolution of (White) Side Characters

One thing that fascinates me about TRR1 is the trajectory of some of the characters, when you observe them on rereads. We often go into those rereads with a strong impression of their character type (or stereotype), before we learn to our surprise that the initial writing doesn't always match the image we carried in our heads.

In the case of some side characters, we may find traces and hints of a totally different characterization, before the team zeroed in on a trope or characteristic that may have hit the right chord with the audience. When done right, this could result in a more rounded character. But in the wrong hands, the writer may keep falling back to that one trope that made the character click, and turn them into caricatures instead.

Maxwell and Penelope are representative of different tiers of side characters, at least in TRR1 - which means that what we may expect in terms of treatment will vary as well. Even before TRR2, Maxwell was more LI-tier adjacent; until he got his LI-upgrade in TRR2, he was a frequent presence in the story and the MC's life, enough that his fans started a "Make Maxwell an LI" campaign. Penelope (along with Kiara) was a far less important character with infrequent appearances.

So of course their trajectories wouldn't be the same. It's interesting, nonetheless, to see how the writing changed over the course of the series, what parallels or complementary traits made the team consider Penelope as an alternative for Maxwell by TRR2, and why they ultimately let go of the pair after one chapter.

As we go through these stories, I think I'd like my readers to keep one thing in mind throughout - Penelope is an anomaly as a character. There are very specific things she is given that at least one other character in the same position doesn't get. Why?

I might not be able to give the answer in this specific essay, but I do think it's a question we need to keep asking ourselves as we go through her story.

Maxwell and Penelope - TRR1

A truly interesting thing about Maxwell was that he was initially not even conceptualized as a prominent character in the books! In their promotional interview for TRR2, Kara mentioned this about the creation of his character:

Excerpt from The Royal Romance: Book 2 interview.

Maxwell was initially conceptualized as a fun foil for Bertrand, the MC's tentative guide for the social season - who the writers considered too stiff and boring to stand alone as a character. Owing to his proximity to both Liam (close friend) and the MC (sponsor), it made sense that Maxwell was a part of the group scenes from the jump.

Going by the interviews, clearly Maxwell's 'fun nature' was his main USP for the writers. TRR1 does try to balance this aspect of his personality with scenes where he shows perceptiveness (such as pointing out opportunities to ally with Kiara or Penelope), but as time goes on he is viewed more and more as the 'funny guy' of the group. He also has a side-story connected with his older brother, who isn't very impressed with his work during the social season (tbh, for good reason!). This side story allows us to view him with sympathy and perhaps overlook all his failures as a sponsor (and there are many examples of this throughout TRR1. Most of the opportunities to connect with the main LIs emerge from all the times Maxwell failed to adequately guide her - teaching her the Cordonian Waltz, explaining the significance of the Regatta Race, finding the right tents, telling the MC to get swimwear for a beach party!).

Of course, because TRR2 (where the Beaumonts are her staunch allies from the jump, even before the LIs return and pledge their support shortly after) and the "Make Maxwell an LI" campaign created such a strong impression on the fandom, people remember him most as the "person who was always there for the MC".

Though he doesn't become an LI in TRR1, we do get our first ever hint of the possibility midway through the book:

(Screenshots from the HIMEME YouTube Channel)

Most of the people I know joined the TRR fandom either in the middle of Book 1, or after Books 2 or 3 - therefore, much of what I'm about to say next is down to conjecture. It is possible that either some stans did pop up in the initial chapters, resulting in the hint in Ch 8, OR that the writers tentatively teased this pairing with the dialogue at the Lythikos Ball, and were gratified enough by the response to continue teasing it. By TRR1 Chs 10 and 11, there was already plenty fanfic on Maxwell x MC. The writers were clearly encouraged enough by the response to toss a few more hints (the MC asking Maxwell about taking his shirt off at the beach, the implications of the MC telling Maxwell she is falling for someone else). Before the fandom knew it, Maxwell had already become the beneficiary of two diamond scenes focused on him in TRR1 (a flashback scene that introduced Savannah, and having fun sliding down banisters in the finale).

Penelope's trajectory in Book 1 didn't experience as meteoric a rise in popularity, but there were changes made throughout the series until she did become somewhat popular. Her trajectory could be categorised in three parts:

1. A minor noble who was very poised and proper (snobbish, if you weren't fitting in well enough)

2. Adorable ditz

3. The lady with social anxiety (TRR2)

From their entrance in TRR1 Ch 3, both Penelope and Kiara were written as extremely minor characters compared to the three frontrunners (and one female LI) of the social season. They accept early on that they don't have much of a chance in the competition, and are the first contenders (barring Hana) that the MC can get on her side. They represent the opinions and mindsets of the royal court.

Because of this, Penelope and Kiara initially appeared almost indistinguishable from each other. The only thing that seems to set them apart is perhaps the introduction Olivia gives at the Masquerade, pointing to Penelope's lineage and Kiara's linguistic skills and diplomatic pedigree. She was the titled one, Kiara was the "smart" one.

(Penelope's scenes from my failplay, in order:

1 & 2: Ch 3, while speaking about Olivia's connection to the Prince, and if you ask her and Kiara why they allow Olivia to call them 'harpies'

3 & 4: Ch 4, Penelope's response to the MC saying, "Penelope, hands off my man"

5 & 6: Ch 6, if you don't fall in line behind the Queen and bump against her instead

7: Ch 6, when Olivia is shocked that Liam chose the MC

8: Ch 8, reaction to Olivia kissing Liam)

Penelope's early scenes in TRR1 didn't showcase the traits she is now so well-known for. She wasn't the "adorable ditz" until the Applewood chapters; in fact her scenes in the first half often showed her as poised and very proper. At the Masquerade she calmly points out to the MC that there is no reason to be offended, when Olivia bluntly declares that no one else has a chance with Liam. She expects decorum from the MC when she cuts in during her dance with Liam, and even comments on the inappropriateness of some of Olivia's behaviours and cautions her when she gets a chance. If your MC makes mistakes in public in certain scenes, Penelope doesn't hesitate to laugh at her.

Her allyship scene in Ch 10 hinges on the MC's ability to convince Penelope of the advantages of supporting her, and rescuing the lady from a crab bite. She is extremely rude in certain options, and ends their conversation with the sentence "I'm not nice" if she isn't convinced the MC is worth supporting. In fact, she is allowed to call the MC a commoner wench in a certain dialogue option!

(Screenshots from my failplay. The top half shows a response to one of the MC's dialogues (she is merely sad if you choose the second one). The second is the end of the conversation when the MC asks for her support)

In a failplay especially, she can be very, very mean-spirited, which is truly ironic given her later characterization as someone who is herself uncomfortable in court and makes more than her fair share of silly mistakes. Fortunately for most of the players, the more "positive" version of the scene sounds a bit more like she's scared and uncomfortable and not equipped to handle the rigors of court. Which makes the "adorable ditz" direction that PB takes, post Regatta, a bit more believable.

Once Penelope is no longer a contender, both she and Kiara recede to the background. You don't see much of her in Applewood and Ramsford, but the little you do see primes us to view her as "sweet and silly" with a bit of a poodle obsession. Two very good examples of this is the "cheating scene" at the pie competition (TRR1 Ch12) and the aftermath of the Beaumont Bash (Ch 16). At the pie competition, Olivia and the MC can team up to distract Penelope so they trick the rival team into adding salt in their pie instead of sugar, by getting her to talk more about her poodle obsession. At the end of the Beaumont Bash, she is shown exchanging drunken chatter with a horse. The book also makes her preoccupation with poodles way more obvious, where before it was brought up only once at the Masquerade Ball.

Discrepancies between portrayals in the first book vs the latter ones is par the course for TRR. Every character has those in some way or form. Maxwell's story in TRR1 and 2 at least could make sense with enough headcanons to fill in the gaps (for why he was inefficient in his support of the MC, for why his relationship with Drake was so fraught) and his characterization is a little bit more consistent. But Penelope's, on closer observation, is a complete mess and her story doesn't make any sense when put together.

Maxwell and Penelope - TRR2

Compared to the other three pairings, Maxwell x Penelope doesn't go beyond a single chapter.

(Screenshots from Skylia's YouTube channel)

This solitary hint pops up in TRR2 Ch 6, right after the Big Clue about Penelope's social anxiety. We're given the usual options one gets for alternative LIs - a "matchmaking" one, a gently discouraging one and an insulting one, the last two of which could be read as jealousy from the MC's end. In fact, the MC's third dialogue option in this scene is so mean spirited that Hana is required to soften the blow!

There's something interesting about the matchmaking response for this scene, and I think it says plenty about the writers and the lasting impression of these characters they wanted us to have.

"You're both a bit silly...but in a way that works." It's a reading of Maxwell and Penelope that leans very strongly into their potential as comic relief, that views the two characters as alike. Both "cute", both "silly", both there to give the characters (and readers) the occasional laugh.

Is this completely accurate to their characterizations in TRR1? Probably not. But it's clearly what the writers imagined would work well for those characters.

Interestingly, TRR2 is also where the team seems to experiment more with these two characters, and finds the characterizations they think would land with the audience. Maxwell's changes are related more to the belated buildup the narrative was giving him to be an LI, and most of Penelope's was related to her role in the plot against the MC. Maxwell is given more heroic traits (eg. the Savannah storyline and his involvement in the investigation) to beef up his story a bit, and plenty of hints are scattered specifically to tease a romantic route with the MC for more than half the book. The narrative also leans far more into his position as comic relief than TRR1 does, making it his most identifiable trait.

There are tiny nods to his "perceptiveness" (Liam mentions it twice in TRR2), but he does a lot of things that you wouldn't see a TRR1 Maxwell do, like tossing a bruschetta at a foreign dignitary or playing with food to get the forgiveness of his friend (btw the Drake Maxwell friendship reads very differently from the first book; they're remarkably chilly in their vibes towards each other initially. Of course, one could headcanon what caused a rift, but that's still us doing the work instead of the writers!!).

Because so much time has to be spent bringing Maxwell's romantic route up to speed with the rest, the progress of the relationship is different from the other three and his romantic scenes cost less (until TRR3 Ch 10, his first 30 diamond scene). Much of this is par for the course for an LI who has entered the game late. In addition, the narrative also tries in TRR2 and 3 to balance his role as the MC's sponsor with his new role as LI, and it doesn't always land (eg. his excitement for Liam's proposal to the MC two chapters after becoming an LI, or his weirdly impersonal reaction in the TRR3 Ch 11 Armory diamond scene in his playthrough, in response to Madeleine mocking Liam for the MC favouring Maxwell). In part this is a result of laziness from PB's end, and in part it's because navigating Maxwell's new role itself may have been a tricky business.

Penelope's TRR2 trajectory, in contrast, is the textbook definition for "throw spaghetti against the wall and see what sticks". Hints of her involvement in the plot don't even show up until Ch 6, just one chapter prior to the reveal. The reasoning given for Penelope's actions in TRR1 - social anxiety - also directly contradicts what is shown of her during the timeline when she was supposed to have been involved in the plot. TRR1 Ch 14 and the Coronation at the finale shows her acting calm, collected and enjoying herself. A lot of Penelope's actions in TRR1 and 2 - esp at the Coronation and in Fydelia - cast an extremely poor light on her when you take into account that she knew the MC was innocent, and that she'd played a part in framing her. From the way the reveal of her condition was done, and the way we're expected to brush her wrongdoing aside immediately, it's clear that Penelope's "social anxiety" was more about tossing in a last-minute Hail Mary to excuse her actions, rather than any real interest in exploring the subject.

Given the sloppy execution of this reveal, it is entirely possible that Madeleine could have been the "lady" in initial drafts (the strongest evidence of this is TRR2 Ch 1's "constitutional clause", which is never referenced again once Madeleine is no longer a suspect), and they made a switch in the nth hour.

It is also possible that writers in the team liked Penelope enough that they wanted readers to still like her after she'd betrayed their MCs. She hasn't been referenced or mentioned in any team interviews, but the writing speaks for itself. No matter what she's done, the narrative insists the MC center her, sympathize with her, and coddle her. I will speak more at length on how in the TRR3 section.

Why did Maxwell x Penelope Not Take Off?

(The first three screenshots are from the Abhirio YouTube Channel, and the rest are from the Radiance Guardians YouTube Channel)

Unlike in the case of the other pairings, not a lot was said in the fandom about this pair either way, even among Maxwell stans. You did have the occasional "hands off my man!" post from a Maxwell shipper, but not to a great extent. At this point many of them were still unsure whether a Maxwell route would be finalized, and even kept Liam as a standby in case all that teasing from the team came to nothing.

Again, most of the theories for why this pairing had just one scene are mere conjecture, since there isn't much evidence overall. But looking at the placement of this scene and what happens before and after it, I can think of two possible reasons why it was nipped in the bud:

1. Maxwell being a late-in-the-game LI could have made balancing an actual romance route and interactions with an alternative love interest tricky in the long run. As it is, his writing was subject to gaffes and mistakes in TRR3 even without this added storyline. It's possible they decided to just ensure that they got Maxwell to the point where he could have his own 30-diamond love scene (which happened in TRR3 Ch 9 btw (half a book after Drake and Hana got their first 30-diamond scenes), and not focus on anything else.

2. This teaser scene came up in Ch 6. Ch 7 is when Penelope is revealed to have tricked Tariq into coming to the MC's room, and paid the photographer to take intimate photos of her. Now to be fair, the narrative does insist she be sympathized with rather than judged. But I do think a subplot like that would automatically make her an unpopular candidate for any LI, much less one who hasn't even been clearly established as an LI yet! Having Maxwell fall for a woman who did the MC dirty wouldn't reflect very well on him, social anxiety or no. In fact, in Ch 8, Maxwell's reaction to the news is the strongest - he calls Penelope "a few dogs short of a pack", "downright diabolical" and even suspects she was lying about having poodles.

3. It is just as likely that Maxwell x Penelope was never a serious consideration for the writers in the first place. Possibly, Penelope's scene here was simply another hint in a rising pile that teased a Maxwell romance route. Players often do get an added pleasure from watching their MCs mouth a catty dialogue or two to a romantic rival, so this scene may have been more for the benefit of a Maxwell stan who wanted to "fight for her man" rather than an actual possibility if he wasn't getting picked.

Whatever their reasons, Maxwell and Penelope's chances as a couple ended pretty much in the same chapter that it began. It didn't create much of an impact, and no one really seemed to notice this pairing, or the lack of it. It basically started and finished with a whimper.

TRR3 and Beyond - Penelope and Ezekiel (ft. A Flanderized Maxwell)

Penelope is an anomaly among the side characters (and even among certain mains!) in both series'. She is the only person seriously involved in the plot against the MC, who needs massive coddling to even answer our questions about her betrayal (if not, Hana has to take over for you). She is the only lady-of-the-court who can refuse to attend your wedding. She is the only lady-of-the-court who can choose to travel with the entourage to another duchy, despite not being part of the Unity Tour. She is the only one among the three former ladies-in-waiting who can openly complain about Madeleine's bullying, and expect protection against her from the group. Until TRH2, Penelope was the only side character for whom massive divergences in the narrative would be made as well, to accommodate her comfort and mental health (More on that in this essay).

She is also the only alternative LI to be "rewarded" with a brand new character, crafted specially for her.

Until TRR3 Ch 7, the fandom didn't even know Kiara had an older brother. Even though the person we know best in Castelserraillan is Kiara, we actually spend less than a minute with her, and far more time with Ezekiel Theron. There is an entire diamond scene that's about pampering and complimenting him, making him comfortable around us, getting him to open to us - even though his sister was the one injured at Homecoming Ball. And of course, the entire reason for Penelope to even be present at Kiara's estate is so that she and Zeke can be paired up by default! Even at the Food and Art Festival, Kiara's only real default dialogue apart from winning over her mother (or not), is about moving Penelope and Ezekiel's romance along.

Both Penelope and Ezekiel join the Unity Tour only by option, so the narrative puts in a great deal of effort to get the romance going (by having Penelope only stop at Kiara's estate by default) and allowing the two to still have a fledgling courtship going on if they weren't together at the Unity Tour (Penelope still gets to meet people who inspire her into dog fashion and she and Zeke still show their interest in each other, propelling the parents to discuss their match).

The only thing we know about Ezekiel, and pretty much the only thing that really matters, is that he loves animals. In a court that views Penelope's love for dogs as an oddity, Ezekiel is a character tailormade to romance her. He rarely features in scenes that don't show her (the only exception is the menagerie scene in Ch 14), he rarely has dialogue outside of his scenes with her, he doesn't even have a personality beyond what would best suit Penelope. This character exists only to romance Penelope, which is depressing esp when you consider that she is a white woman, and he is a black man - and she is clearly the only one who even matters in this relationship!

There wasn't any real reason to give Penelope a partner. "Penzekiel" doesn't really do much for the story in general, and not a lot would change if you dropped them. But the narrative deems it essential to give her a "reward", which is ironic considering what she put the MC through and how much we had to coddle her for her to even consider cooperating, either in the investigation or during the Unity Tour. Presumably this "reward" is for her "niceness" and "sweetness", which only works because the narrative completely erases her misdeeds in the social season after TRR2. She never has to remember what she did, nor does anyone in the core group remind her.

With regards to Maxwell, by TRR3 he is a full-fledged LI who gets a wedding with his MC, in certain playthroughs. Much of his playthrough focuses on trying to catch up with the other 3 LIs - you can sleep with them if they're your fiancé/ée, but you have to wait until Ch 10 to sleep with Maxwell. The narrative mentions him taking up "responsibilities" for House Beaumont in lieu of Bertrand, but without any real scenes that show us what he is doing, nor any tangible results (we will not talk about Maxwell's book here!).

He doesn't have any alternative romances. In fact even his romantic playthrough is kinda bare - his only individual scene is the Armoury scene which isn't even about him, and there were glitches that were very noticable particularly in his and Hana's playthroughs. There are no references at all to the alternative romance Maxwell was given in TRR2; it's almost as if that option had never existed.

Penelope being a romantic option for Maxwell doesn't stop the two from having friendly exchanges in TRR3 though. Maxwell was not only allowed - but expected - to treat Penelope with sympathy and respect.

(First set of screenshots is mine, the second is from Skylia's YouTube Channel)

Not only Maxwell, even Drake - who hates most nobles - is shown being extremely protective of Penelope in both TRR3 (promising Penelope to protect her against Madeleine) and TRH3 (showing anger at Guy's blackmail of Penelope and her family). The narrative is very clear that we are expected to make Penelope feel safe, even if she has never made us feel anything but unsafe.

This relationship - and the level of coddling that Penelope has always received from TRR2 onwards - continues into TRH, where she and her beau Ezekiel are shown together, there are occasional updates on their relationship when either one appears in a chapter, and where they eventually marry and start a family. An interesting pattern begins to emerge once we get into TRH.

(Screenshots from Skylia and HIMEME's YouTube Channel)

As the only courtly lady in a relationship in TRH, Penelope gets a nicer, cleaner, more luxurious and more drama-free parallel to the MC's romantic journey. Like the MC, she finds a suitor who falls for her and wants to be with her. Like the LI, he eventually stages a grand proposal for her (TRH2 Ch 18), after they have spent a significant amount of time together. Like the MC, she has a widely publicized wedding (though tbh Penelope's was better customised to her tastes, and as the MC we put even more work into her wedding than we ever did our own!! (we were both her bridesmaid and her officiant, our daughter is the flower girl, we give her the perfect bachelorette, we rescue her from her asshole ex-husband, we help her select lingerie!!!)). And when the MC announces her second pregnancy, Penelope announces to us her first. Penelope's storyline has all the romantic trappings that the MC had with her LI, but without the tension, the conspiracies, the attacks and kidnappings, or the constant fear that someone is out to get her and her family.

Penelope is basically treated like MC-lite. Quite the upgrade for a mere side character who actually did us dirty at one point.

Does Maxwell - her potential LI for all of one chapter - suffer as a result of this upgrade? Apart from the Flanderization, I would say no, he actually didn't.

He doesn't get the lavish Drake treatment, true, but he is centered in the issues that bother him. The MC, by default, has always been expected to defend him to Bertrand from TRR1 onwards, and often argues that Maxwell tried as hard as he could to help her, even when he didn't. Her sympathy towards him whenever Bertrand justifiably berates him for his negligence is by default too. And while he improves in TRR2 and (somewhat) 3, in TRH3 the entire group is thrown into this position again. Even though Maxwell exaggerates events in his friends' lives to an insulting degree in his book and the subsequent movie adaptation, the group often brushes their discomfort aside and supports him instead. And even though his lies in said book about Bertrand (TRH2 Ch 11) indirectly cause the latter to give up his lands to their father (resulting in Bartie Sr's attempt to usurp the throne), the MC spends all of the next book comforting him, involving him in her investigations, and patting his hand sympathetically while he moans about the father who killed the former queen of the country, all while ignoring the son of the woman Bartie Sr. killed, and raging against the elder brother who is secretly supporting them (even after the reveal, the group judges Bertrand heavily and even suspects him of being part of Via Imperii in TRF). Very little is said - either by Maxwell himself or by anyone else - about his role in facilitating this awful takeover.

All in all, Maxwell may have not gotten an alternative LI at the end of the day, and his overall LI path was pretty messy - but there was some thought and consideration put into his writing. The focus on Penelope and her new romance never actually harmed Maxwell.

Fandom

As I've mentioned before, Maxwell wasn't an LI in the beginning, but rose to LI status in Book 2. While the writers did make claims once in their TRF finale livestream that they had planned to make him an LI all along, I find that a bit hard to believe. From the way the hints were dropped it's way more possible that this was a development that came up once enough people in the fandom found him attractive enough to be LI material.

As the Make Maxwell an LI campaign grew in popularity, the fandom often held a rosy view of him, calling him "the only valid white guy", celebrating his queerness (as they should! It was hinted that he was pansexual in TRR2 Ch 18), showered him with sympathy and called Bertrand names for berating him. None of the nitpicking that certain other LIs would get for not supporting her properly, ever touched Maxwell. Nor did the fandom - who did criticize him quite a bit for his trashy book, and protested his Flanderization - ever view him with anything besides sympathy when he struggled to believe his father was evil, after he'd encouraged his brother to make said father the head of Beaumont House. This was the same fandom that didn't hesitate to find the most nonsensical excuses to trash Liam.

The Maxwell-Penelope scene was a fun way for some Maxwell stans to allow their MCs to act a bit possessive of him, and they were very critical of Penelope's betrayal later. But the overall response to Penelope's storyline was overwhelmingly positive. Many related to what she said about suffering from social anxiety, and especially to the lines about her emotional support poodles (ironically in another book, Sloane Washington got scant sympathy or respect despite clear indicators that she suffered from social anxiety too), and were quick to forgive.

(I must confess I was among this portion of the fandom too, but with the belief that she would address it more strongly herself in TRR3)

Fandom didn't mind buying into the canon myths that Penelope was a "sweet, naive" girl, and part of this is understandable because not many got to see what she was like in the failplay. So it was easier to presume that she would still take a little responsibility and wholeheartedly regret her actions, without seeing the failplay scenes where she is shown expecting to be treated like royalty by the woman she screwed over. Penelope and Ezekiel were viewed by most as a cute pair, with some (justifiably) liking this interracial match initially. Many readers who were fond of Penelope even criticized Kiara for being "mean" to her or "joining in Madeleine's bullying of her", when Kiara's behaviour was clearly more protective than harmful.

There was a slight rise in a general negative attitude towards Penelope in TRH3, when she could prioritise her wedding over the looming terror of the MC's child being taken away from her, and only speak up when the MC encouraged her at the altar. But very often people who made these criticisms clubbed her and Kiara together, as if they were a single unit...as if their actions and choices throughout the series were the same. As if Kiara got the same concessions and pampering that Penelope did. In reality, the choices the two women made - and the narrative treatment the two women got - couldn't be any more different.

Individually, Maxwell's and Penelope's stories show us what happens when the writers of a story lean too much towards fandom adulation, and allow it to dictate the way their stories will go. In both cases PB found a beat that the readers liked and stuck with it, never expanding beyond that one trait and causing the two to be caricatures of themselves. In Penelope's case especially, once her anxiety story resonated, the narrative used that to encourage readers to pamper her ad nauseum, and justified her lack of genuine care for anyone but herself through constant reminders of her mental health condition.

I will repeat the question I'd asked at the beginning of this essay - What did TRR3 give her in lieu of this alternative romance, and why, and what does it tell us about the narrative that she alone got that? That's a question I hope you'll keep asking in the next two essays.

Next - Hana and Madeleine: When You Reward Your Favourite Bully with One of Her Victims

[twig-tea]

Ayaka is in Love with Hiroko Ep 6: The Politics of the Closet

There have been some good posts already about how forced outing is not actually excused by a character's crush or different values (@pigglepiephi here and @respectthepetty here as two examples) so I won't spend a lot of time retreading that ground. Risa should not have told Ayaka that Hiroko was a lesbian, and Mama should have known better than to spill more of Hiroko's secrets after already having been confronted on and apologizing for doing so last episode. And it would be one thing if this was a character choice that the show was clear was not the right decision, but it seems to be presenting these choices as positive because it is moving the main romance forward. @hyeoni-comb noted the parallels between this this and She Makes My Heart Flutter, specifically around how both shows have a character of a different generation explaining the mindset of an older lesbian to the younger generation, which at a theoretical level, like hyeon is talking about here, I do also like; But I think a significant difference, and why it's bothering me in this show when it didn't in SMMHF, is the very different circumstances of both characters. [For those who haven't seen SMMHF, the character in question in that case was concerned about marketing her lesbian bar on social media. Also, go watch it, it's fantastic!]

What's still sitting so poorly with me about episode 6 of Ayaka is in Love with Hiroko is the way the show seems to be saying that Hiroko is wrongly scared and irrationally continuing to be closeted at work while times have changed. Mama says her reason for telling Hiroko's secrets to Risa and Ayaka is so that they can help Hiroko with her situation. She says 'there was a time when society was much harsher and more prejudiced'. She calls Hiroko's thinking old-fashioned. This suggests that Hiroko is in the wrong for hiding her sexuality. [This also sets how this is going in AIILWH apart from how it was done in SMMHF, because in that show the characters came around to realizing the owner would need to be ready on her own time to take that risk, which is a much more compassionate place to land.]

It bothers me when queer media tells queer people that they are paranoid for being afraid of being outed, especially at school or work. Has Japanese society progressed since 2014 so much that people can comfortably be out as lesbians in office workplaces without fear of repercussion to their careers? Because Canadian society hasn't, certainly not in every office [I only started being out at work in the last year, because the VP of the office where I worked until then was homophobic, as one example]. And we know that at least some of the people from the flashbacks still work there, so Hiroko's fears seem super valid to me.

Also, it isn't actually any of her colleagues' business who Hiroko does or doesn't fuck on her own time. It is definitely also true that Hiroko feels isolated and lonely because nobody at work knows her fully--since being a lesbian is a huge part of who she is--and I get that. The closet is a horrible, isolating experience. But it's super important to me that Hiroko gets to make that decision for herself. I would have been so down for a story where Risa and Ayaka reached out to Hiroko and made space for her to be herself and comfortable with a trusted sub-set of colleagues (including Yuya, natch). I would have also been ok with Ayaka outing herself as a lesbian at work to model that things have actually changed and it is safer--with Hiroko about to step in to a manager's position, I could believe that it she'd be able to ensure there would be minimal blowback. That would put them in a good position to negotiate what a relationship might look like, and would have been a great way to have that generational gap conversation, and maybe giving Hiroko confidence to come out herself eventually.

But instead Ayaka is starting the gossip mill about her crush, and putting eyes on Hiroko, which will inevitably either out her or force her to be even more closeted to hide her sexuality from the increased scrutiny. Regardless of the genders involved, there's also the fact that office romances especially across power lines are potentially problematic and could lead to problems for both of them. It feels like we are not well set up to take the complications of an office romance between a junior and a senior (or a boss) seriously, and that has me nervous too.

I'm waiting to see what the next episode brings, but this is why the episode has left me feeling so uncomfortable, and worried about how this show is going to land it's last two episodes.

[bumpkinspice0]

Parallels Chapter 17: What Is Meant To Be?

Miguel O'Hara x Spider!FemReader

No use of y/n

Rating: Explicit

Word Count: 4.9k

Summary: You're going to die. It's written in the canon. The canon must always be obeyed... right?

Warnings: Angst O'clock, Talks of death, Near death experience???? Miguel loves so hard, SMUT (again finally) Oral (Fem receiving), Window sex??, sweet sweet desperation

A/N:  I worked hard to get this out quickly because I felt bad about making everything so sad lately 😅 Though there still might be enough angsty to make it plenty sad, Idk. I'm sorry anyway

Previous. - Next

Series Masterlist

AO3

_______________

Chapter 17

What Is Meant To Be?

“Play it again.”

“Miguel, I don’t think–”

“Play it again.”

The simulation of the dingey warehouse restarts. Nothing more than a prediction. A vision of what's to come. A supposed hostage situation set up by the remnants of the Fisk family—a trap for you. It was so simple. He’d seen you dodge gunfire and fight practical monsters, but this is what does it? Trapped inside a warehouse rigged to explode. As indestructible as spiders seemed to be, no one could rightly survive a roof falling on them. A spider can’t dodge bullets forever. 

They’d find your body 3 days later, likely a memorial erected in your honor as well as a day of citywide grieving. And two months later a certain captain’s daughter would take up the mantle— and you’d be replaced and slowly forgotten. 

There was a 98.9% chance of likelihood for these events. It might as well be a hundred at that point.

You were going to die. This is how you were going to die. 

It was predicted to happen within the hour and Miguel was just sitting here waiting for it to happen. How morbid, he scolds himself. He sits there helpless, a pitiful excuse for a hero. 

“Mig, I’m so sorry,” Lyla’s small form comes to sit next to his hand, her own small hand mimicking stroking motions over his forearm. 

“You weren’t going to tell me.” he mumbles, eyes still locked on the screen of a smoldering building where your body would be dug up from. Only a simulation. It hadn’t happened. Not yet.

“I didn’t know how to. I was… scared.” 

“Scared,” He scoffs, “You?”

“You’re not the only one who cares about her, Miguel.'' The AI bites out harshley. It almost catches him off guard. He’s so used to seeing her so bubbly, so quirky and fun. As annoyed as he seemed by it, he always appreciated it. Gabe was smart in programming her to be so fun. He needed someone like that in his life. Someone to help cut through his bullshit. You played that role as well. 

“We’ve lost a lot of friends in this job, haven’t we Lyla?”

“We have.” 

Miguel expected to be ragging at this point, an inconsolable beast wreaking havoc on his lab. Angry, like he had been since you left. Instead, he’s just numb. Was your fate that easy to accept?

The spider-sense lulls in his head, finally quieting down after the month of torture. Did that mean it knew what was to come? Would he feel it? When you—

He finally buries his face in his hands, muffling a defeated sob. Ah, there’s the tears. After the self-inflicted torture he’d put you both through, this is how it ends? You die and he has to watch it happen like a helpless child on the sidelines. This is the burden he’d taken. He’d done this so many times before. He’d watched horrible things happen because it was the will of the canon— but with you it was… you were…

“Lyla, I’d like to see the probability diagnostics,” He swallows the sorrow, hoping the cold unfeeling numbers of an algorithm might put him at ease. If this was to happen, maybe looking at the ripple effects of it would help him cope. A sacrifice for the greater good of it all. 

The equations and graphs illuminate around him, all of them infallible. This was going to happen. And what would your death bring to the multiverse? Nothing. A small blip in the grand scope of it all. A speck of dust in the cosmos, just like all of them. 

But if your death was so small, then what could that mean if it didn’t happen?

The thoughts he’d been suppressing suddenly flood his mind. He’s not helpless here. The power to change your fate rested on his wrist, your life so easily saved by the simple push of a button. He’d risked something like this before, but it was different this time. Could saving a life have the same effect? He’d replaced a life, but saving a life…There’s no way to know. And he didn’t have time to run the numbers. He had to act—- now.

“Miguel?” Lyla’s voice chirps up behind him, “What are you doing?”

What is he doing? He looks down to see he’d already typed in the coordinates to your universe. Had he already decided and didn’t realize it? Was it that easy?

“I…” He looks down at the watch. A single push of a button. That’s all it would take. “I don’t know.”

“I know… this is hard,” She hovers at his wrist now, clearing the coordinates from the watch, “But we can’t interfere with—”

“All we’ve done is interfere,” He bites out in a voice he doesn’t recognize. “How is this different?”

Did he really believe that?

Hypocrite, he scolds himself.

Reasoning. He was trying to reason for it. Bargaining for your life to justify his own selfish actions. 

He types in the coordinates again, and Lyla clears them before he finishes. He growls, clawing through her projection. 

“You’re not thinking, Miguel!” She urges. “I know this is hard. But you can’t. You know you can’t.”

He knows she’s right, he’s not thinking. He doesn’t care. If he could pull this off, if he could save you, then he’d figure it out. He always did. There had to be limits he could push. Options he never considered. Whatever it would take, just to assure your safety. 

“You have to understand what’s at stake here.” Lyla says again, her pixelated eyes pleading with him. Despite her seeming so human in every way, she was still just a program doing her job. She was his fail-safe, an assurance to make sure past mistakes weren’t repeated— and now she’s the only thing standing in his way. 

“Yes, I do understand,” He says coldly, calmly walking across the lab— to Lyla’s control panel. “It’s time you remember who’s in charge.”

“Don’t even think about it!” She grows to full size. Projections explode behind her, raging fire, explosive blinding lights— all mere illusions. It does nothing to stop him. While she ran things, multiverse travel was still completely operable without her. He opens the panel and begins typing in the reboot code. It’s the one area of the tower she has no control over.

Arachni-bots scurry towards him before falling dead with another push of a button. She’s trying everything. He has to work quickly.

“I’ve called Gabe,” Lyla warns, “Emergency protocol is initiated. He’ll know.”

“Fine, I don’t care.” Miguel punches in the final sequence and all of Lyla’s projections begin to fade. Only her flicking form remains. It’ll take her at least an hour to reboot, that’s more than enough time. 

A portal to earth-727 bursts to life in front of him. 

“Think about it, Miguel!” Lyla tries to reason one last time as her projection starts to fade, “All of this— Everything— for one person? It’s not worth it.”

He pauses at the portal's entrance, the pull of the spider-sense urging him to step forward. 

“Yes. She is.”

The sense crescendos as he shoots through reality, across time and space to save you. The anticipation builds, the anxiety of racing against the clock. He burst through the portal already swinging, taking a quick assessment of his surroundings. Without Lyla to guide his exact location he could've only ended up in a 3-mile radius of you. The sun had already set. He was in Brooklyn, the southside by the looks of it. The warehouse was in the center of Queens, not far but he had to hurry. 

As he swings the rest of his emotions come flooding in. The guilt. The shame… the undeniable love for you. How could he have thought such things? How could have just sat by while he watched you die? Had this job really made him so callous? So cold to the world at large? 

When did Spider-Man stop trying to save everyone?

You’d given yourself to him so freely and he’d meet your affections with so much disdain— yet you treated him with kindness anyway. You were patient with him like no one had been before, he didn’t deserve it. Yet he won’t give it up. Not anymore.

He’d make it up to you. He’d make it all up to you starting tonight. 

The warehouse is in sight. You’d be swinging in from the east. He could easily stop you before you got anywhere near the building. He perches himself on the highest rooftop half a block east of the rigged warehouse and waits. Checking the time, you’d be swinging at any moment, give or take a few minutes. 

He waits… and he waits. 

He’s not sure how much time has passed before he starts pacing. Did he miss you? No, he has no doubt the spider-sense would have honed in on you.  

The spider-sense… in his blind panic he hadn't paid it any mind. Surely being in your dimension would send the alarms blaring in his head. Instead, it was like it was…. Muted. Smothered under something he didn’t recognize. What did that mean? 

What if it meant you were already dead?

Dread pushes him off the roof and swinging towards the harrowing warehouse. Crawling up to the closest window, he peers inside. Three armed men stand in the center of the massive room, barrels of explosives around them. 

“Where the hell is she?” one of them grumbles, “Doesn’t she usually show up way before the cops? Did Tony call it in?”

“Of course he did,” the second one sighs. 

“If she doesn’t come then this was all for nothin’.”

“She’ll come. She always comes.”

“Shut up, both of you,” the final one hisses, turning around to scold the other two. “Look.”

He gives a faint nod to his right… directly at Miguel. 

The first bullets whiz past Miguel’s shoulder, one knicking his suit. He was spotted. Idiot. How could be so careless? He barely manages to swing out of sight.

“Christ, don’t shoot in here!” The leader of the three shouts, “Might as well light a fucking match!” 

“Fuck you, I’m not letting that bitch get away!” They think Miguel is you? He could hear them arguing, perched safely on the roof. Well that confirms it, you weren’t here. 

“She’s here. We got her and I’m not gonna let her pick us off one by one. I’m getting justice for the boys she locked up.” The threatening statement is followed by the unmistakable cock of a gun. 

Oh no. 

“Wait— WAIT—'' One of them pleads before a shot goes off, immediately followed by a domino fall of explosions. 

Miguel just barely swings to safety, the flames licking at his heels. 

“Holy shit. Holy shit.” He chants as he rounds the corner onto a rooftop. It happened. The explosion paints the night in harsh oranges, shattering windows and setting off car alarms for miles. He hears police sirens finally approaching. Your death had happened— and you weren’t there for it.

You weren’t there. 

Relief overtakes him, dropping him to his knees. He’s not sure if he wants to cry or vomit. Quelling the boiling cauldron of emotions in his brain, he forces himself to focus. He hones in on the spider-sense— desperately humming in the forefront of his mind. It was trying to tell him something. Trying to tell him where you were. 

With a wary step forward, he follows it.

________

An emergency distress call from some random universe you’d never heard of. You can’t remember the last time you answered one. Probably when the tower was attacked. They were never meant to be ignored either. 

Jess called it in, and with her being so far along in her pregnancy you leaped immediately to help her, along with a good handful of all of your other spider-comrades. She’d just entered her third trimester and you’re truly amazed she’s still working this diligently. 

“Gotta get it all out of my system now,” She’d scoffed to you when she’d first announced it, “That and I know you guys can’t do this without me, better help you out now.” 

Jessica Drew, always so humble to the point she wouldn’t allow herself maternity leave. God, you loved her but you’d wished she would slow down. 

Since she showed no signs of taking a break, offering a helping hand whenever she needed it was the best you could do.

 Tonight she certainly needed it, being caught in a sudden gathering of symbiotes. You and about ten other spiders answered the call, just in time it seemed.

You hated symbiotes. It wasn’t as easy as punching them and knocking them out, you had to be clever. Play to their very specific weaknesses— Fire and loud noises. That and they were just nasty fuckers. It's a good chance for you to blow off some steam. You didn’t have to hold back when it came to symbiotes, and for once, that was a good thing. 

An hour of messy fighting and a lot of loud noises and fire later, they were all contained. It admittedly felt good to be part of a team effort after your rather less-than-stellar month. These were still your people, they didn’t stop being your people just because Miguel wasn’t part of your circle anymore.

A massive portal opened back to HQ. You’re cue to leave for home.

“Hey,” Jess grabs your shoulder before you can hit the button home, “Come back to the tower with me.”

“I— why?” you’re aware of how cold it comes out. 

Jess immediately furrows her brows, “Because I haven’t talked to you in forever and I wanna buy you a coffee so you can describe what it tastes like to me.”

You can’t help but laugh a little, “You miss coffee that much, huh?”

“And booze. And sushi. And hot tubs. And—” She drapes her arm around your shoulder as she continues, leading you over to her bike. Well, if she’s offering a fun ride, who are you to say no?

Yes, you’d been avoiding the tower like a plague just because he’s there. You feel him when you’re closer, the sense jumping at the proximity alone. Just because it was Miguel’s tower though, didn’t mean you weren’t welcome. Your friends were there. Your community. Spider Tower wasn’t just a monolith to Miguel, it was for all of you. 

You wonder if you should tell Jess about it all. If anyone would understand it’d be her. You’d probably get a few good minutes of reprimanding you for being so stupid, but then she’d go full protective mode and be your human shield against the big bad Spider-Man 2099. That and the pregnancy hormones were making her more irritable. That’s what friends did, though— right? Made things easier for one another. That and you wanted another shoulder to cry on.  

You will tell her, eventually. Not tonight but… soon. 

You both burst into the tower, Jess skidding the bike to a spiraling stop. 

“I hate it when you do that.” you sigh into her back. 

“You spend all day swinging around a city and a little bike ride makes you dizzy?” She scoffs, flipping out the kickstand.

“Yes, shut up,” You groan, practically melting off the bike. Suddenly, You remember why you don’t always accept rides from her, “Why do you ride a bike anyway? Your webs seem perfectly fine.”

“Just to look cool,” She muses, bouncing her hard to the side. Well… you can’t deny that fact. She always did look pretty cool. 

The spider-sense was revving in the back of your head. A few weeks ago it would have driven you insane, now it’s just another thing to ignore. Like a cast over a broken bone or an itchy rash. You’d trained yourself to live with advanced senses, you could train yourself to get used to this. 

At least until you were ready to take the cure. 

You’re halfway to the cafeteria when it’s too much, the sense jumping like a punch to the back of your head. You stumble forward, blindsided by the effects. 

“Jeez, you okay?” Jess grabs your arm. 

“Fine! Fine…. I think.” You assure her halfheartedly.

The sense calms down into a more annoying ringing, but still stronger than when you first entered the building. Why was it acting up now? 

A familiar voice calling your name is your answer. You turn around and there he is, standing at the end of the hallway. 

Miguel— and god, he looks awful. 

Of course he had to show up when you were starting to feel like yourself again. The sense almost causes you to burst out in tears at the sight of him alone. It was a relief. It was a nightmare. 

God, you really don’t want to do this right now. 

He takes a few timid steps toward you, “I… I need to talk to you.”

“Why?” you immediately spit back. 

“It’s important,” He simply says. This was a bad idea. You want to go with him so badly but you know if you do it’ll open up all of your wounds again. 

“What’s going on, Mig?” Jess, bless her, tries to intervene. 

“This is between me and her,” Miguel bites out coldly. Jess didn’t often tolerate his bitchy behavior, but she turns to you instead. Her eyes look to you to see if everything is okay— a silent communication only women seemed to possess the power of. 

“It’s fine, Jess,” You pat her shoulder assuredly, “I’ll describe some coffee to you later.” 

She doesn’t look convinced that it is, in fact, fine but carries on her way regardless. She knew you well enough to be sure that you could handle yourself. She’d suspected something probably since the beginning. Yeah, you really need to come clean to her eventually. 

“What do you want?” You practically hiss at Miguel. He barely moves, simply pressing a button on his watch. A portal springs up on your right. 

“Not here,” He gestures to the spinning portal. Of course, this all had to be cryptic for no reason. Just another thing to torture you right now. You groan and step through the portal. 

It was like walking through a door, your feet landing on solid ground in less than a blink of an eye. A quick glance around and you see you’re in Miguel’s home. It’s dark, the only light coming from the glowing city outside. 

You turn to him as he exits the portal behind you. 

“We couldn’t have taken the sta—”

You don’t even finish the sentence before he pulls you into him, strong arms crushing you against his chest. You’re not sure what you expected… but it wasn’t this.

It’s embarrassing how good it makes you feel almost immediately. Like just his touch cured your countless sleepless nights. The familiar warmth of his arms seeping into your varying being as if he was holding your soul. Was a hug always this good? It’s certainly better than the last one you shared with him. 

The realization jolts you out of his embrace. You weren’t supposed to be together anymore. You weren’t supposed to be doing this shit anymore— right?

“What the hell, Mig?” is all you manage to gasp out. 

He stands there, unmoving, his arms still reaching out after you. You can’t read his face, his expression almost blank. Shocked, maybe?

“I… I don’t know—I had to—” he pulls his hands back, examining them as if he’s just killed someone, “Where were you?”

“Where was—” you balk out an annoyed laugh. Is that why he brought you up here, to check in on you? Toying with this all like some child, “On a mission with Jess, doing my job. Are you spying on me now? Do I have to report to you still?!”

He says nothing, letting your harsh yelling linger in the large space. He looks at you again, something you don’t recognize in his eyes. Suddenly all your anger is replaced with pity. What was happening?

“You’re—” He choked on his words, just for a moment, “You’re okay?”

“Am I o—” You take a step towards him, willing yourself not to reach out and touch him. Trying so desperately to hold up that wall. The resistance you’re not sure you had. 

The spider-sense… is screaming.

“Miguel… you’re scaring me.” 

He nods as if to say I’m scared too. Scared of what, though? You gulp as you break the barrier. You reach out and cradle his massive hands in yours. He sighs at your touch. Something horrible happened… or was going to happen—something to bring this warrior to his knees in a way you’d never seen before. 

“I… I don’t know what to do,” he admits shakily. “Little spider, I think I—”

“What do you need?” you ask immediately.

You see the corners of his mouth twitch up just briefly. Cute, but not an answer. 

“What happened?” You push.

His hands trail up your arms and come to cup your face. Your eyes flutter, almost instinctively. “Just… just tell me you're okay. Right now. In this moment.”

“Mig—” 

You’re not sure who does it. If he pulls your lips to his or if you jump up to meet him. Does it really matter? He tasted like freedom. Like the relief you’d been searching for all these weeks. Had you forgotten so easily? The taste of him. The feel of him. Something so indescribable— like a drug. He was your drug.

It’s a handsy fury, ripping off your clothes as you seemingly try to will his to fade away. There was no time for pleasantries, not this time. There was only hunger— unsatiated, gnawing hunger. 

Need. You needed him.

He backs you against the windows, their sudden coldness sending chills up your naked body. 

“Miguel, please—” you urge, for what exactly, you’re not entirely sure. Whatever he was willing to give you.

“Te tengo. Te tengo…” He chants as his mouth glides down your body, from your neck, between your breasts, and finally to your waiting cunt. 

He engulfs your heat greedily. You don’t recall ever screaming so loud. Sweet, perfect relief. He was perfect. 

He brings both of your legs over his shoulders and holds you there, your bare back pressed against the glass for all the world to see— not that anyone likely would from this height. And not that you really cared right now anyway. There was only him. Him. Him!

God, you missed his skillful mouth. Hungerly lapping at you like it nourished his very soul. It did, you suppose in a way. The sinful hunger helped both of you in its own way. Kept you sane. Kept you alive. You can’t believe you’ve lasted as long as you did without him. 

You come embarrassingly fast, but you’re not surprised with how much you had pent up over the last month. The orgasm rips you apart like an atom bomb, exposing your raw nerves underneath. Your vision goes white, your mouth goes dry. It was everything you were trying to give yourself all those lonely nights— Miguel gave it to you in two minutes. 

His mouth still sloppily runs between your legs as you come down. You squirm in his grasp, your sensitivity now turned up to eleven. 

“Miguel,” You plead, “I need you. I need you.”

A rumble emanates from his chest and up your legs as his mouth comes off you. He lowers your legs, holding you at his waist. He stands at his full height again, pinning you there. He trails his mouth back up your torso, pausing at your breasts to lull his tongue over each nipple before he finds your mouth again— his mouth and tongue coated with the taste of you. 

“Lo siento, arañita. Lo siento mucho.” he whispers between breaths. You know those words. He’s saying sorry. He’s sorry— you’re sorry too. Sorry for it to have come to this. 

He slides inside with a pained moan. Your walls clench around him with familiarity. 

“Like you were made for me,” He murmurs as his mouth slides down your neck. Though it’s completely healed over, he knows the mark he left. He stops on it, his tongue tracing the ghost of what was left there. The brand he left on your soul. 

He lifts you off his cock and slams back into you brutally. Your head falls back against the window with a defined thunk as he sets a ruthless pace. Bouncing you on his cock like you weighed nothing at all. That’s alright, he can use you. 

Your lude erotic sounds fill the space. Wet skin slapping on wet skin. Desperate wordless moans for more. Always more. 

“I missed you. I missed you,” You don’t didn’t even realize you were chanting it until your mouth went dry. 

“Shhh,” He nips at your lower lip, “I know. God, I know. I missed you too. I— fuck.”

Even amidst the animalistic lust-fueled frenzy, you could feel him trembling under your touch. His body quivering with more than just desire. Your combined anxieties manifesting into something desperate and terrifying. A need that couldn’t just be quelled with just your hands. 

Even in your bliss-fogged mind, you felt like a fool for ever letting something like this go. Something so rare and beautiful.

Ever since it appeared in your life you’d been trying to describe this impossible feeling. What was a shared spider-sense? A piece of you that you shared with someone else. How can you define what felt like pure instinct? Give a name to something that was indescribable?

The only thing you knew was that something felt right when you were together. The world made sense when this man was part of it, as infuriating as he could be at times. You were his, he was yours. Not yours in the sense that he belonged to you, but yours meaning he belonged with you. A pair, a set, forever intertwined. 

What was the spider-sense to you?

It was home. 

It felt like home. He felt like home.  

His hips come to a staggering halt as your second orgasm overtakes you. He bites down on your shoulder as he paints your walls. He stands there just for a moment before lowering you both to the ground on trembling legs. Neither of you speaks, panting out the thinning air between each other. Both of you refuse to let go, afraid that this time would surely be the last time you’d ever touch him. Keep him here, now, forever. Nothing could take him away from you right now. 

“Reboot complete.” An ambient voice rings through the room. It was certainly Lyla’s but it sounded… different. More robotic. 

“Oh no,” Miguel grumbles, his grip on you tightening. 

“What? What is it?” Why do you feel panicked? It’s just Lyla. 

Miguel pulls away, worry crossing those burgundy eyes, “I… I have to tell you something.” 

Before he can continue, a familiar golden glow springs up in the middle of the room. Pixels form together to make the familiar form of the infamous AI assistant. She turns to face you both. Miguel’s suit instantly appears back on his body. You’re suddenly very aware of your nakedness, despite her being a computer program. You grab for your abandoned suit crumbled on the floor, hurriedly shoving yourself back into it. 

 “Geez, knock first, Lyla,” You scold her. 

“You’re—” the program's gaze darts back to Miguel in an instant, “Miguel, you didn’t.” 

Miguel sits there shamefully, like a scolded dog. 

“I know we’re not supposed to be doing this anymore,” You come to his defense, slipping your arm into the final sleeve, “It just kind of happened.”

Lyla cock’s her head at you. Was she… confused? Did Lyla get confused? Again, she turns back to Miguel. 

“You didn’t tell her?”

An unknown fear pricks at the hairs on your neck, “Tell me what?”

Miguel stands, arms outstretched to console you. His mouth was open and ready with an explanation before he was interrupted again. 

“Miguel!” Another voice echoes through the large room as it enters the apartment. Gabe. He pauses at the living room entrance. “Oh no. No no no, Miggy. What is she doing here? Estas loco?!”

“Excuse me?” You start before Miguel comes to your defense. 

“She’s here because I chose for her to be here,” He steps in front of you, “She has a right to be here.”

“You’re not God, Miguel,” Gabe marches over, slapping his older brother in the chest. Miguel doesn’t react, “You don’t get to make these decisions. No one does.No puedo creer que estés cometiendo los mismos errores de nuevo. No puedo creer—”

“I’ve told you this is not the same. Ella es diferente,” Miguel bites out, looming over Gabe. The younger brother does not back down.

“Bullshit!”

“Hey!” You finally scream. All eyes in the room snap to you in an instant, some angrier than others. “Someone please… tell me what’s happening.”

You see Gabe’s defenses drop, pinching the bridge of his nose as he takes a step away.

“Jesucristo, Mig.” You hear him mumble into his hand.  

Miguel looks back to you, some kind of horrifying desperation pulling at his features. You’re not sure why, but it scares you. 

“Arañita… Sit down. I have something to tell you.”

_______

Translations:

Te tengo. Te tengo…: I’ve got you. I’ve got you...

Lo siento, arañita. Lo siento mucho: I’m sorry, little spider. I’m so sorry.

No puedo creer que estés cometiendo los mismos errores de nuevo. No puedo creer– : I can’t believe you’re making the same mistakes again. I can’t believe—

Ella es diferente: She’s different

Jesucristo, Mig: Jesus Christ, Mig

Please please please let me know if any of this is wrong

________

Taglist:

@ineedgarlicbread @pinkiemme @thesilenthill @bontensbabygirl @fallenangelsongwolf @raerorigel @littlefreakymunson @viriexo

@w33ni3 @del-ightfulling

Taglist post here!!!

[viablemess]

I have a lot of feelings about the Durin Family, Fili in Particular

---Howdy folks it is that time of year again where i go absolutely feral for Fili Durin. He is underappreciated and tumblr has addressed that but i feel an URGE to add to the discourse so here I am. This post is not done, fyi. I will add more to it later.

It's 10pm/22:00. I just got home from class. I'm waiting for my ramen water to boil. There is a fireplace and some holiday lights. Let's have a (fireside)chat.

First of all, the constant tying of Fili and Kili together?? Like I get it. Merry and Pippin parallels. I love parallels (looking at you, George), but come on. Chill, just a tad. I know Tolkein didn't give you much to go by, but he didn't even write tauriel into the books or Bolg and yall ran with that anyways. Use your creative brains, pls, I'm actually begging you.

ANYWAYS. Have them develop separately even if only a little. Kili is the younger one, literally viewed younger bc he has the smallest itty bitty beard. He is not the heir, he is the spare, and could have some deep rooted personal insecurities about that as a result. He may feel that he deeply has to prove himself to Thorin bc he does not have a set role in the future like Fili does. Kili gets his romance with Tauriel, which--khgf;ushfw;e uneneccary, but I can appreciate the attempt to broaden the target market and appeal to a romance audience even if the previews did not hint at that happening at all so it would not have been a marketable trait per say but I digress. Again with the parallels of forbidden romance, poor Legolas still does not get any, we know, he was not even in the books really either, let's move on.

Kili is babied by the company, needs to prove himself, his mother made him promise to return to him so he is still deeply in the "coming of age" side of things (a lot of the company is, but that's a topic for another word vomit fireside chat). He begins to realize that he might like elves which goes against his family and he was already the spare, might as well go all in and fall in love with an elf. Fine. I can deal with that. But let's see more of Kili messing up, more so than just the trolls. Let's see him make silly goofy mistakes more. The company always tries to keep him out of the line of fire by making him an archer (heh) and keeping him off the front lines. They do everything to protect him, bc Dis is a terrifying woman, ansd if she made Kili promise to return to her, dammit, the company will return him to her if it is the last thing they do. Kili likely spends less time with Thorin and Dwalin than his brother, so here he is, questioning his own self worth and if he belongs in the party and his own abilities while coming of age and sticking out from his family even more, so why not rebel a little? why not be an archer which is not as glorified, why not consider shaving to meet cross cultural beauty standards, why not date the elf (dammit, I'm convincing myself for Tauriel's presence and I hate that). He's trying his best and messing up along the way, and is INNOCENT. Completely. He is aware of his ancestry and what happened, but he and Bilbo are the two being narrated to when telling of the Durin family history, and as a result, the differences in dwarven / hobbit culture could be explored further. Thorin has a little kiddo to watch out for, and maybe is softer around, because even Thorin knows Kili is young, maybe even too young to be here but if they didn't let him come he would have snuck after them, so we get to see a more forgiving, family-man Thorin who we do not see anywhere else (and yes we get that at the end of the movie but I'm getting to my critique of the (I almost called it a keldabe wrong fandom) forehead touch with a name I cannot recall later).

Onto his brother. Fili is the heir, okay. So, that means that he is likely raised very differently from Kili. Whereas Kili may have had some time to play and be a kid (as much as they could in the Blue Mountains as refugees, anyways), Fili likely was given no such privilege. He followed Thorin around like a lost puppy, watching his every move and trying to imitate it, because he knew he would have to do Thorin's job someday. Even if Thorin did get married / have a kid / etc there would likely still be a window where Fili was in charge before Thorin's kid came of age, and as the years went on, the chances of that happening diminished, and so Fili threw himself more and more into his crown-prince-studies. Maybe a little obsessively, just like his uncle, who had practically stepped into the role as father. Because Fili thought he had to be Thorin. Thorin, meanwhile, saw the King that Fili could be, and that King was so much better than him. Fili grew up humble as a result of them all being refugees, something Thorin did not have to learn until much later and even then he never fully got it. Fili was kind, because he saw the suffering of his people, and understood how large of a difference a small act could make. Fili also had the teachings of Thorin drilled into him, because Thorin's problem was that whenever he saw Fili, he also saw Frerin. Frerin was Thorin's younger brother, just as blond as Fili, and (I'm assuming) played a roll in Fili's name (both starting with F). Frerin died at the Battle of Azanulbizar, and Thorin remembers that battle, he remembers losing his little brother. He can understand the fear that Fili feels whenever the company encounters a fight because he has felt the same in the worst of ways. But, because Thorin understands, he pushes Fili to be better than him. Even if that pushing is too much, too hard, too fast, too young--Thorin knows that Fili can be better than him, and Thorin does not want Fili to suffer as he has suffered, so he does everything in his power to prepare Fili for what is to come, and because Thorin loves him, that is all he does. He pours that love out as motivation and pushes Fili to do more, do everything, and do it better than he did. Fili, being young, does not realize this. He just sees it as Thorin preparing him to be king, and quite brutally at that, but Thorin is the closest thing he has to a father, Fili is not going to question it, not for anything, except for his little brother. And that just hurts Thorin, because he knows that, had he had the chance, he would have died to save Frerin at Azanulbizar. He knows Fili would do the same for Kili, but they are both so, so young. Thorin fears he could lose them both in one go, if he is not careful. So he is harsh, he scares them, he is forceful, because they do not have time for care and coddling, that won't keep them safe.

Whereas the company sees Kili as carefree and fun, Fili is cold, like his uncle. He is stone, and observant, and polite. He has to be Thorin, AND everything that Thorin is not. It is an impossible task, but he has to try. That is what is expected of him, not just by his mother and uncle, but by the entire people that is behind him, waiting for him to ascend to be king. He does not get a choice. The only one who can pull him out of that rut is his brother, with whom he actually feels like he can be what he is -- barely older than a kid.

Im gonna let that sink in for a second. They're CHILDREN.

anyways.

So, Kili gets his romance plot. It's cute and it parallels. And I've established that Kili must prove himself, and Fili will bend over backwards to make Thorin happy, which likely also extends to Dis, his mother.

I imagine Dis gave Kili the river rock to come back home, and she told Fili "be safe, don't be stupid, etc etc" but HIGHLIGHTED "take care of your brother", and Thorin does the same in the movies.

So, when Kili galavants up the bridge to open the gate after the party does a little slip and slide down the river, Fili naturally goes with. He sees that Kili is about to get shot. And Fili, who knows above all else he has to be king and he has to take care of Kili, just does the normal heroric thing and jumps in front, and he gets shot.

He is chastized for it, for being stupid, but overall they both are thanked for getting them out of the mess, and there is no time to waste because the company has to leave, and Fili (like what Kili did albeit maybe with more conviction) will not let others help him, or show weakness. So Fili continues on, poisoned, and Kili has the guilt of knowing his brother took an arrow meant for him. Fili must suffer the consequences of being a hero, and Kili must suffer the consequences of being the youngest, and feeling guilty for not taking responsibility for his own actions.

This all boils over to a fight where Kili tells Fili that "I made the choice to go up there, I didn't ask you to intervene!" because dammit Kili wants to be treated like an adult and FIli just took that away from him, again.

Fili, naturally, retorts, "I just did what I had to, because you know what? mom didn't tell me to come home--all she told me, all everyone ever tells me--is to take care of you! So I don't matter, not to this family, not in the same way you do. You're a son. I'm a prince."

Which, ouch. Slap in the face to Kili, and maybe the company overhears. Kili feels slighted, but also maybe is starting to understand, he can be a kid, Fili cannot. And Fili, meanwhile, is about to break from the weight of expectations that feels heavier than the lonely mountain ever could.

So, Kili stays with Fili when they get to Bard's, because it is what Fili would have done for him. Thorin is pissed, but lets it go, because Kili isn't Fili, and ouch, again.

I imagine Bofur helps quite a bit, he has a kind soul and listens better than most, and while Fili is delirious with fever Bofur talks him through it. Kili gets to be more coherent with Tauriel, and we get to see if their relationship actually holds up outside of a "she saved my life I love her" style of interaction which bleh is cliche as all get out.

and PLEASE when the dwarves do get out of Bard's house, they get to actually help Bard deal with the dragon. I read a fic a long time ago (if I find it I'll link it and the author below) where Fili had to be Bard's arrow anchor instead of Bard's son and I just chef's kiss. The dwarves who are left get to help the humans, and they feel more sympathy for them. Maybe they witness more death, and so when the dwarves do turn their backs on the humans later, Fili, Kili, Bofur, Bifur & crew are like "wait wtf they have suffered enough" unlike their future indifference we see in the movie.

and THEN all the dwarves arrive at the mountain, and Fili and Kili actually get welcomed home like the family they ARE, but it's stunted, because something is wrong with Thorin. He is glad to see Kili and Fili, but barely spares them a glance. They've heard the rumors and stories, of gold sickness. They begin to wonder, and we get to see them talk (probably with Bilbo) about the concept in secret where everyone is looking for the arkenstone. We get to see Kili with his hero worship refuse to believe Thorin would fall under a gold thrall. We get to see Fili, who is afraid of becoming like Thorin, too scared to enter the treasury unless immensly pressured to do so, and even then someone is always with him, because he worries. He still holds the ruby Thorin threw at him, and he keeps it in his pocket. He holds it so tight the edges cut his palm, and the pain seems to distract him from the wealth that surrounds him. I always wondered if Thorin gave Fili that ruby because he was the heir, or the only dwarf with so much gold about their person, with his hair. It was what Thorin saw first, not because it was his nephew, but because he looked like the very thing that already clawed Thorin down into his own demise.

AND NOW the war starts. and this needs to be another post bc ffs I'm losing my shit this is much too long.

[lily-alphonse]

*pointing at an overflowing red string board* SDV Cars AU where Alex (McQueen), a cocky gridball player on the verge of burnout, is begrudgingly stranded in a small town where he meets Shane (Doc), a retired champion that is facing depression, who eventually becomes his new coach and they end up teaching each other the true meaning of sport, success and friendship

CARS AND SDV LETS GOOO

For anyone who doesn't know I have a currently unposted LightningxDoc longfic so this is right up my alley

I love ur crazy idea bestie

I definitely see the parallels, they fit well. But I'm flipflopping about keeping it to sports instead of racing. Liiiike Im salivating imagining Alex with a NASCAR suit on come on that'd be so hot??? 😭😭 Sports would make more sense though, I am begrudgingly sticking to it.

Ok ok. So, Alex is starting to make a name for himself in college football (Am I lame and American for this? Maybe. But I don't know how this would work in other countries). He's the next big thing that recruiters are watching. But he's got an ego. He's not a team player and it costs his team a couple of games. What's more, his grades are on life support and he's about to lose his scholarship. He does straightup lose the scholarship he had for housing, and can no longer stay in his college town for the summer break.

Boy is STRESSED he is missing out on so much training and if he doesn't get his grades up he can kiss his career goodbye. But he's forced to move hours to this middle of nowhere town his grandparents moved to since they retired.

His coach does him a solid and convinces the academic board to let him retake two of his final exams in the fall, and if he passes those he won't lose his scholarship. Something like that so he needs to study all summer basically.

So he's stuck in the middle of nowhere spending his days trying to study and his nights running drills till he passes out, and the boy is floundering. Granny Evelyn says I know a girl. Alex dismisses her.

Do you see where I'm going with this?

Penny is Sally and Shane is Doc, and I am okay with Alex ending up with either of them. I already ship PenAlex.

She'd be stern with Alex, treating him like a kid. I would like that dynamic for them. And she is the one who actually sets him up with Shane, because Shane wants nothing to do with sports anymore. But Penny sees how they could potentially be good for each other.

Shane could help Alex see he's being a self-centered ass. Alex could give Shane his hobby back.

I see Alex and Shane having a scene in the rain. It's emotionally charged and they're yelling.

"Yeah keep up with that fucking attitude, see where it gets you!" Shane shouts, done with the backtalk. "Yeah I'm sure you know all about that, huh? Wouldn't want to end up a pathetic old has-been like you!" Shane squares up on him. "What the fuck did you just say to me?" "You heard me!"

And Shane fucking decks him omg. Fight fight fight draaaama if theyre the ones getting together this is where they sloppily make out in the rain I love a good toxic masculinity turned GAAYYY moment. If not, they just hit each other till they're both crying and open up and apologize and Shane admits he's right, he just doesn't want him turning out like him.

They become a team, Penny helping him study and getting him support for his undiagnosed dyslexia, and Shane coaching him. At the end Alex goes to take his test and has the support of his new friends and his grandparents and it's a very sweet happy ending.

He decides that even if he doesn't pass, there is another life for him that might not be so bad. But he does, and he is better than ever at football and even ends up recommending Shane for a job at his school 🥹

[evilwickedme]

I just. Ugh. Oh my God. The fucking PARALLELS this season of Good Omens. Y'all know I'm an absolute fool for a good parallel, so to get so many? I'm so well fed today

Crowley and Azira are like, the definition of soulmates of the kind that are made, you know? Like there is no one single other being in the whole of Creation that shares even a fraction of the same experiences. Six thousand years in the making, this ship is - even more according to this season !!! And YET, they are absolutely brand new. They've never been in a romantic relationship - not with each other, not with anyone - and as Crowley pointed out, they've essentially just gotten out of toxic relationships with Heaven and Hell. Except like, not really? Because we see Crowley really got out Heaven so heavily traumatized he never really put all that much stock into Hell. Yeah, Hell might've still been abusive, but Crowley was halfway out the door the whole time. Azira, tho... He still buys into all of it. He's technically out the door, but he hasn't done any of the deprogramming you need to do in order to move on (I feel like I'm mixing my metaphors a little by using cult-related languages, but also abusive relationships are essentially two person cults, so)

And this season sets this dynamic up so perfectly with Nina and Maggie!!!!! And we're supposed to think that Nina is Crowley because she's dark and broody and Maggie is Azira cause she's frankly precious but really it's the other way around and it's Nina who finishes the season being like "I can't be in a relationship right now because I still need to work on myself having just ended an incredibly toxic relationship" and it's just. Nina and Maggie don't end the season together because that's not what they need right now and bc of that they might still be able to be together later, but Crowley and Azira hold onto each other SO DAMN HARD that they end up losing each other SPECIFICALLY BECAUSE AZIRA CAN'T DO THAT SAME THING OF UNPACKING HIS BASE ASSUMPTIONS it's like leaving a cult cause they were mean to you once but still buying into the new agey stuff they used to love bomb you into joining the cult in the first place

And so that's the relationship part of things but also we've got like soo many parallels showing how broken the system is in the first place and obviously ineffable bureaucracy is what stands out here because of the literal lines coming out of various characters' mouths during this plotline but can we talk about how heavily brainwashed Muriel is and how clearly they're supposed to be exactly like a young Aziraphale, one who doesn't "have" Crowley yet!!! Like tell me that if you gave Muriel a fiery sword and told them to watch over the first ever pregnant couple in history they wouldn't give them that Goddamn sword. Nobody on either side is capable of questioning their position in life without exposure to Something Else, but it doesn't have to be like, the being you're going to run off to alpha centauri with. It could very much be a copy of The Crow Road

(sidenote, has anybody read this book? It seems like an incredibly deliberate choice but I've never heard of it! I think I might send in an ask to Neil Gaiman himself if I don't see any meta soon)

Anyway yeah um. I don't know how to end this. Parallels and shadow selves fuck (double entendre)

[she-posts-nerdy-stuff]

hi!!! I’m losing my mind and can’t find this in the books anywhere and need to check with someone else… in any of the grishaverse books does it mention the merchers wives going to the house of barter to scrub the floors?!? I might be making this up out of my little mind but it’s so specific idk how I could be!!!

Hi my darling, so sorry for the late reply, and yes I think I know which bit you're talking about - I think you might just be struggling to find it because you've got two (strongly linked) references crisscrossed over each other, but I'm pretty sure that the part you're thinking of is about Hellgate

In chapter 6 of Six of Crows, Nina's first POV chapter, she describes the smells in Hellgate upon their arrival and the quote is as follows:

They entered a dark, surprisingly clean kitchen, its walls lined with huge vats that looked more suited to laundry than cooking. The room smelled strange, like vinegar and sage. Like a mercher's kitchen, Nina thought. The Kerch believed that work was akin to prayer. Maybe the merchant wives came here to scrub the floors and walls and windows, to honour Ghezen, the god of industry and commerce, with soap and water and the chafing of their hands. Nina resisted the urge to gag. They could scrub all they liked. Beneath that wholesome scent was the inedible stench of mildew, urine, and unwashed bodies. It might take an actual miracle to dislodge it

(In the Collector's Edition this is on page 90)

This is such an important quote for me in terms of worldbuilding and I won't go on about it now but I super quickly want to add that it is very well set up to parallel Inej's flashback in Crooked Kingdom when she says "he smelled of vanilla, but beneath it she could smell garlic"

The other section that I'm wondering if you might be thinking of is in Crooked Kingdom when they're talking about Radmakker's sister, this one was harder to find but I think this is the quote on your mind:

It was Jellen Radmakker, one of the investors tget had invited to Jesper's absurb presentation on oil futures. From the investiagtion she'd done for Kaz, Inej knew that he was scrupulously honest, a devout man with no family except an equally pious sister who spent her days scrubbing the floors of public buildings in service to Ghezen.

This is from Chapter 32 of Crooked Kingdom (page 435 in the Collector's Edition) and the scene takes place in the Church of Barter so I wonder if that's what you were thinking of?

I hope that this was helpful!! I honestly love this world building detail, I think it's so fascinating, and I think that not only can we take the second quote as a point of evidence to support the first but there are also others, such as when Alys is hemming curtains before Wylan leaves the house, that add to the validity of Nina's theory as well. Thanks so much for the ask! <33

(This has been episode 5 of 'DK Finally Gets It Together And Answers Her Asks Because It's About Damn Time (working title)' thank you very much for joining me, on the off chance anyone might be interested then the rest of the series can be found here)

[yearnerspermit]

The more I sit with it the more I love the way the writers have introduced dreamstat throughout the season, getting the audience used to not only his presence, but what he is to Louis and how much of him is or isn’t lestat. And now more than ever with the reveal of dreamstat being there in Dubai

This is me speculating now but I’m wondering if they’ve done this to set up the contested NOLA reunion happening in the last episode. And this is not a new theory but I’m thinking in particular right now about why they might do that, and possibly with dreamstat

Maybe it’s in modern day, maybe it happens just prior to the show, and the reason he’s there now isnt because he’s been there all along but did come back at a certain point when Louis might be accepting idea of lestat back into his life

Here’s the thing: the show overall does revolve around Louis and Lestat’s relationship, but only because for these first two seasons, the story is about Louis. Their relationship only matters so far as what it does to him and says about him. I don’t think a reunion has to happen with real lestat yet to be meaningful

The last time we saw dreamstat, it was an entire conversation of louis with himself because he’d reached conclusions about himself and their situation, about what he needed to do and who he needed to be in that moment. and dreamstats presence and then absence during that is a result of Louis resolving himself to that state

Now, the outcome of that conclusion? IMO it’s not great. It was maybe necessary for survival but it’s not good for him. It’s reactive not proactive.

Louis very sharply reverts back to the persona we see him start the show in, when he felt constantly scrutinized and under threat, and so had to perform strength constantly, even when it conflicted with his own internal feelings and care, because weakness couldn’t be shown

So. I think it could be a very fitting parallel, for either the reintroduction of dreamstat into his life, or a current meeting with dreamstat to be nothing to do with lestat himself, but the culmination of their relationship for this season being a character-defining turning point for Louis

I don’t think they’re ready to meet again much less get back together as we see them in the show, but for Louis to have a moment with what Jacob has called his conscience, to reach a moment of actualization and come to terms with his own guilt and trauma, to accept parts of himself he’s been denying his entire life, and to do it again through a moment of vulnerability with the only person besides Paul he’s ever gotten close to having that vulnerability with? It makes sense

Even more so because he never actually was able to have that with anyone else before, even the real lestat. But the version of him in his own head? That we’ve seen him have those unusually personal and revelatory moments with? I think that makes sense. and it could also be really really effective

I could be completely wrong and I trust the writers at this point to execute whatever they have incredibly well

But I could see the end of episode 8 playing out something like that. Louis getting out of the Dubai penthouse. A book, a gesture, a message sent out into the world saying come to me. Returning to an empty house on Rue Royal. Not finding lestat, but finding in his own mind, through the image of the first person he ever felt seen by, the words and acceptance he needs to move forward. To want to exist. To want anything for himself in general. To feel like he deserves that. And then maybe, somewhere out there. Lestat strolling past a bookstore. Seeing the cover in a window. The fantasy he had the first time around with the interview, but this time with a more honest story and more honest intent. The set up and necessary character development to make a future possible

Because the story isn’t about Louis and Lestat. Not yet. Right now it’s about Louis. And there are some things that maybe he needs to hear from himself, even if it’s someone else’s voice. And maybe that opens the door to the next season being lestat, and then the story finally reaching that point of them and their stories together

[kaithonks]

So I’ve had some Thoughts about Juni Ba’s The Boy Wonder

There are a few points I feel the need to point out before I dig into this, as I feel that I might end up sounding, for lack of a better term, fangirlie. I do genuinely love The Boy Wonder, and part of that comes from it being a comic about the Robins. So, that does give me a bit of a bias. Especially as lately, there hasn’t been a ton of good (in my opinion) Jason Todd comics, who is my personal favorite. And Juni Ba has a really good take on the character. But, outside of that, he genuinely has a good take on all the Robins and even on Talia. But again, because of my love for these all these character I’m gonna keep away from talking too much about the story and character development to focus on the art. Because Juni Ba’s writing is great, but what makes the story is how he uses his art to tell the story in a rather fun way. 

The Boy Wonder is made of 5 issues, each having a different focus. Dick, Jason, Tim, Talia, and then Ra’s Al Ghul. The story still centers around Damian, but through comparing these characters to Damian. There is also a different feel between each comic, and this is done through different paneling. Dick’s issue has a lot of dynamic angled panels. There is also a moment of comparison with the young Dick, showing him being Dick and Robin in the same panel. Starting a theme of paralleling. Two pages later, you also get a young Dick catching his mom and then a current Dick catching Barbara. The paralleling between past and present will come back in the Ra’s issue, but it's particular to the start of Damian’s growth. It’s also the start of the story’s style being set to show Damian’s feelings, like how after Damian cuts the man’s head off, there is a panel with Damian’s demon mask growing.

Jason’s issue is mostly made of 3 long panels per page, building out the scenery and honestly showing Jason as a part of the world.  He sticks out with the Red Hood, but he’s casually greeting others and still moves through like he belongs. The paralleling isn’t as strong in Jason’s issue, but the stylistic feeling is particularly strong. It’s used less to show difference here, but rather more similarities. Like with Jason and Damian both having horns. And while this is a little off my point, this issue has some of the best page turn moments, particularly at the end with the opened red door. Which, while it feels like a moment for Jason, it also feels like Damian’s. While Dick was a point for Damian to compare himself and grow, Jason was a point of empathy and connection.

Jason’s issue was defined with longer panels, Tim’s is smaller to show the little details. A lot of it used to show the waste of the wealthy, but it’s also used for the Wayne Enterprises gadgets. So, while not like the direct paralleling in Dick’s issues, it shows Tim’s use of wealth to help rather than the for greed and is another lesson for Damian.

Talia’s issue has the biggest shift with the style with the paneling being quite different. Starting with the tan and clean panels of her backstory, shifting to thick dark lines boarding each pane. Then the green boards of the cave before settling for the more typical for a few pages. While it’s easy to say this is a choice for building the climax of the story, it does more, and visually helps to set apart Damian’s two lives.  That of the one with his mother and the League of Assassin, versus the one of his life with his father and his brothers.

The first notable thing is that Ra’s issue doesn't’ really start with Merle and Joe’s story, rather it ends with it being a good closing for the story as a whole. But the key moment is Bruce facing of Ra’s and the panel taking up 2 pages. With them being connected but broken up by the page itself. It’s really a unification for Damian, and it’s the next page where we see what he’s learned from Ra’s to stop him, unifying Ra’s and Bruce’s ideals within Damian himself. Bringing back the paralleling between past and present, in Dick’s issues, but doing it more with the style of Talia’s issue.

The Boy Wonder was one of those wonderful moments where I remember that this story wouldn't work in another medium other than a comic. While the writing is good, what makes it great is Ba’s style and knowledge of paneling to tell the story. Particularly, a story of unification, and balancing the present and past for a better future.

[kacchanisms]

(spoilers for mha 395)

the final arc of mha is intentionally written to be the most pacifistic. the heroes want to save the core villains, to prove that their hearts have changed, to show that their society is redeemable, that they have a future. toga dying would collapse the whole arc.

it would be an egregious misstep on the author's side to shatter the narrative they spent nearly 400 chapters on. pairings and other nonsense aside, this ending would run directly counter to the ideas of the story.

there's foreshadowing as well. in toga's "final" moments, she refuses to be arrested. for her, it's freedom or death, living freely as a villain or dying before she's captured.

hawks said to twice to turn himself in or die. freedom or death, twice fought and died.

there has to be a third option, where toga can live freely as she is. ochako offered her another path through the promise of giving her blood, by telling her that her authentic self was beautiful, that her love was genuine and worthy of being reciprocated. acceptance.

hawks failed to see another path when he confronted twice. he didn't come to the battlefield with the desire to communicate, he came with his weapons out to arrest twice, no discussion. he had another choice there, you know? to reach out with real friendship. but he didn't.

ochako has done what hawks could not. she's forged a deep emotional connection with toga. now, hawks has to provide the third option, where toga doesn't die, where she can live freely as herself without imprisonment.

i don't know how toga will be saved from death. but hawks... has the potential to give toga a new future. he was once the child of a villain, someone who had no other avenues in life, who was eventually taken captive by the hero institution and trained into a child soldier. ultimately, hawks is a kind soul. all hawks ever held in his heart was the desire to help others, a savior complex, but this was exploited to make him a false hero, a bird in a cage. after his mother left, he saw a way out, but the mentality still remains to go for the kill.

... because he's a "hawk". a name that taught him how to be a predator.

himiko is also a bird. she's associated with sparrow imagery. she has a free love for others; in another world, she would've liked to help them. as she is, she is happy that she lived as she wanted.

since she was young, society has treated her love as predatory, which left a lasting impression on her self-worth. it forced her into a cage, one that was impossible for her to live in, until she finally became a villain so that she could live freely.

hawks and toga are akin to each other. they've both dropped a person from great heights. but they're also not irredeemable.

and hawks killed twice, toga's friend. those two are bound to interact one more time, just for that. this time hawks has the option to spare toga.

hawks and toga are bound by twice's death, a murderer and the best friend of the person he murdered. so hawks has obligations he needs to fulfill towards toga, to even begin to make it up to her. saving her would be the first step. since toga now parallels twice in this situation, hawks is also arriving at his own reckoning, just like how endeavor had to finally engage with touya, reckon with his own actions as a father. like endeavor, he may be tempted to self-destruct alongside his victim, or... he's crucial to saving her.

it's also maybe the only way out of the cage for hawks, too. the way to rid himself of the influence his hero-soldier upbringing had on him. to possibly acknowledge, apologize or atone for his actions.

with his past, hawks might have the chance to give toga another option -- to live freely, either as a rehabilitating civilian or a hero. she would be able to stay by ochako's side, where, like the LoV, ochako would reciprocate her love and provide her acceptance and community.

either way, there's so much set up for a strong ending with toga, building off mha's themes of redemption, acceptance, reaching out not with violence but with care and understanding. killing toga permanently would wreck all the careful work that went into this narrative.

[spockandawe]

Hi, I’m not sure if you’ve answered this already, What kind of paper do you use when printing your pages?? I’d love to try my hand at book binding some of my faves that I have saved on my library, I’m just super nervous lol

Sure!! So, there's a WIDE range, even in my latest books, because there's a couple characteristics I'm juggling. The set I still have to write up a post for, it was done on inexpensive staples paper (I still have multiple packs of this stuff stored), while the two books I posted before that are done on the Church Paper bookbinding special. I spent MONTHS working from extremely generic, cheap paper, and I stand by the idea that there's nothing wrong with it! Fancy paper is one way you can level up your bookbinding, but it's not the only way, or even the first one I could pursue. Before I say anything else, I personally do encourage people to buy the really affordable staples paper without fussing about the other stuff, so they can focus on other aspects of the hobby without spending money on something you're going to print on, fold, glue, and ruin. You'll have plenty of opportunities to mess up your paper, you don't need to spend fancy money until you're comfortable.

(and you can stop there if you're overwhelmed! I think that's an entirely valid perspective to bookbind from).

First, the easiest characteristic I'm juggling here is paper color. Most books run somewhere in the bleached-white range to ivory. Some people think bleached-white is a little stark, or that ivory is just too yellow. I don't personally have strong feelings, but some people do. I might choose a cream paper if I want an antique vibe, or I might choose white if my endpapers have a stark white I want to match, but it only matters as much as you want it to.

Second, paper weight. I fuss less than I probably should, but even basic printer paper runs a range from very thin to noticeably thick. That matters to me, occasionally, for fiddly projects. I have my 32 lb paper because I needed to make wedding guestbooks feel as thick and substantial as possible. If I have a long book I want to wedge into my guillotine, I'll pick thin paper to minimize bulk. This isn't something you have to be concerned with at this point.

Third, and arguably most mechanically important, is paper grain. I really don't like the emphasis that gets placed on this when beginner bookbinders are trying to get a grasp on the hobby for the first time, I don't want you to stress about this more than you want to. I ignored it completely for months. But the idea is that paper has a grain, as if it was a miniature bamboo mat. In one direction, you're working with the grain, and it will bend or fold more easily. In the other direction, you have to force it a little. Ideally, all materials you use with a grain will have it running parallel to the spine of the book. For the pages, it means your pages will flop more easily in the directions they ought to be turning, if that makes sense.

Most commercial 8.5x11 paper is long grain, which is "wrong" for half-letter books. If you fold a piece of letter paper in half like a hamburger, the grain is wrong for a book. My position is that this is NOT something you should feel obligated to account for at first. I spent months working with the wrong grain, my wrong grain books handle absolutely fine, they aren't in worse shape than my books with the right grain, i think accessibility and not overwhelming beginners is more important than enforcing a bajillion best practices right from the start.

The link for church paper I provided is special because short-grain paper, if you can find it, will have the right grain direction for a half-letter book. At this stage in my bookbinding experience, if I'm making a half-letter book, I'll look to my short-grain paper first. If I'm making a quarto, I'll look to long-grain. If there's some other characteristic of the book that steers me towards the wrong grain, I'll just let it happen. I include this because I feel obligated to say it, not because I think you need to worry about it right now. A book that exists is better than a book that doesn't exist, and it's entirely valid to make it with whatever paper is most convenient for you to acquire. Even if you do every possible step totally wrong, a handbound fic will easily, EASILY last for years.