#there's some under the cut
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Move To A Darker Place
This is a story of Man Vs. Machine.
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Last March, my father attempted to file his Taxes.
My beloved father is a Boomer. Unlike most Boomers, my father is rather handy with technology because he was one of the people that had a not-insignificant hand in Developing a hell of a lot of it. He was studying Computer Science at Cal Poly before the computer science degree existed. I have many fond childhood memories of skipping through the aisles of various electronic and computer part warehouses while Dad described something that either terrified the staff or made them worship him as a God. He taught himself how to use his smartphone. Internationally.
So when he saw the option to file digitally with the IRS through the “ID.me” program, he leapt at the chance to celebrate the Federal Government finally entering the Digital Age.
It was all going swimmingly for about six hours, until he was ready to file and the system told him that it needed to verify his identity.
“Very Well.” said my father, a man unafraid of talking to himself and getting something out of the conversation. “It wouldn’t do for me to get someone else’s return.”
The System told him that it needed him to take a “Digital Image ID”.
a.k.a: A Selfie.
“A-ha!” Dad beams. Dad is very good at taking selfies. He immediately pulled out his phone, snapped one, and tried to upload it.
Please log into your Id.me Account and use the provided app to submit your Digital Image ID. The System clarified.
“Oh. You should have said so.” Dad pouted, but used his phone to log onto the ID.me account, do the six security verification steps and double-checked that the filing looked the same as it did on the desktop, gave the IRS like nine permissions on his phone, and held up the camera to take his Federal Privacy Invasion Selfie.
Please align your face to the indicated grid. Said The System, pulling up a futuristic green-web-of-polygons approximation.
“Ooh, very Star Trek. Gene Roddenberry would HATE this!” Dad said cheerfully, aligning his face to the grid. My father is a bit… cavalier, when it comes to matters of personal information and federal government, because he’s been on FBI watchlists since the late 60’s when he was protesting The Vietnam War and Ronald Regan before he’d broken containment. Alas.
Anyway, there is very little information the federal government does not have on him already, but he’s as good at stalking the FBI as they are at stalking him, and had worked out a solution: He has something approaching a friendship with the local Federal Agent (Some guy named “Larry”. Allegedly), and got Larry hooked on Alternative Histories and Dad’s collection of carefully-researched “there is very likely buried treasure here” stories, and Larry is loath to bother his favorite Historical Fanfiction author too much.
But I digress.
After thinking for a minute, The System came back with an Error Message. Please remove glasses or other facial obstructions.
And here is where the real trouble began.
See, my father wears glasses that do substantially warp the appearance of his face, because he is so nearsighted that he is legally blind without them. His natural focal point is about 4 inches in front of his nose. While Dad can still take a selfie because he (approximately) knows where his phone is if it’s in his hand, he cannot see the alignment grid.
He should ask someone to take it for him! I hear the audience say. Yes, that would be the sane and reasonable thing to do, but Dad was attempting to do taxes at his residence in Fort Collins, while his immediate family was respectively in Denver, Texas and Canada. He tried calling our neighbors, who turned out to be in Uganda.
He looked down at the dog, Arwen, and her little criminal paws that can open doorknobs, but not operate cell phones.
She looked back at him, and farted.
“Well, I’ll give it a try, but if it gives me too much trouble, I’ll call Larry, and Larry can call the IRS about it.” Dad told her.
She continued to watch him. Arwen is an Australian Kelpie (a type of cattle-herding dog), going on 14 years old, deaf as a post and suffering from canine dementia now, but she still retains her natural instinct to Micromanage. She was also trained as a therapy dog, and even if she can’t hear my dad, still recognizes the body language of a man setting himself up for catastrophe.
So, squinting in the late afternoon light next to the back door, Dad attempted to line his face up with a grid he could only sort-of see, and took A Federal Selfie.
The System thought about it for a few moments.
Image Capture Failed: Insufficient Contrast. The System replied. Please move to a darker place.
“...Huh.” Dad frowned. “Alright.”
He moved to the middle of his office, away from the back door, lit only by the house lighting and indirect sunlight, and tried again.
Image Capture Failed. Please move to a darker place.
“What?” Dad asked the universe in general.
“Whuff.” Arwen warned him against sunk costs.
Dad ignored her and went into the bathroom, the natural habitat of the selfie. Surely, only being lit by a light fixture that hadn’t been changed since Dad was attempting to warn everyone about Regan would be suitably insufficient lighting for The System. It took some negotiating, because that bathroom is “Standing Room Only” not “Standing And Holding Your Arms Out In Front Of You Room”. He ended up taking the selfie in the shower stall.
As The System mulled over the latest attempt, Arwen shuffled over and kicked open the door to watch.
Image Capture Failed. Please Move to a Darker Place.
“Do you mean Spiritually?” Dad demanded.
“Whuff.” Arwen cautioned him again.
Determined to succeed, or at least get a different error message that may give him more information, Dad entered The Downstairs Guest Room. It is the darkest room in the house, as it is in the basement, and only has one legally-mandated-fire-escape window, which has blinds. Dad drew those blinds, turned off the lights and tried AGAIN.
Image Capture Failed. Please Move To A Darker Place.
“DO YOU WANT ME TO PHOTOGRAPH MYSELF INSIDE OF A CAVE??” Dad howled.
“WHUFF!” Arwen reprimanded him from under the pull-out bed in the room. It’s where she attempts to herd everyone when it’s thundering outside, so the space is called her ‘Safety Cave’.
Dad frowned at the large blurry shape that was The Safety Cave.
“Why not?” he asked, the prelude to many a Terrible Plan. With no small amount of spiteful and manic glee, Dad got down onto the floor, and army-crawled under the bed with Arwen to try One Last Time. Now in near-total darkness, he rolled on his side to be able to stretch his arms out, Arwen slobber-panting in his ear, and waited for the vague green blob of the Facial grid to appear.
This time, when he tapped the button, the flash cctivated.
“GOD DAMN IT!” Dad shouted, dropping the phone and rubbing his eyes and cursing to alleviate the pain of accidentally flash-banging himself. Arwen shuffled away from him under the bed, huffing sarcastically at him.
Image Capture Failed. Please move to a darker place.
“MOTHERFU- hang on.” Dad squinted. The System sounded strange. Distant and slightly muffled.
Dad squinted really hard, and saw the movement of Arwen crawling out from under the bed along the phone’s last known trajectory.
“ARWEN!” Dad shouted, awkwardly reverse-army crawling out from under the bed, using it to get to his feet and searching for his glasses, which had fallen out of his pocket under the bed, so by the time he was sighted again, Arwen had had ample time to remove The Offending Device.
He found her out in the middle of the back yard, the satisfied look of a Job Well Done on her face. She did not have the phone.
“Arwen.” Dad glared. It’s a very good glare. Dad was a teacher for many years and used it to keep his class in order with sheer telepathically induced embarrassment, and his father once glared a peach tree into fecundity.
Arwen regarded him with the casual interest a hurricane might regard a sailboat tumbling out of its wake. She is a force of nature unto herself and not about to be intimidated by a half-blind house ape. She also has cataracts and might not be able to make out the glare.
“I GIVE UP!” Dad shouted, throwing his hands in the air and returning to the office to write to the IRS that their selfie software sucks ass. Pleased that she had gotten her desired result, Arwen followed him in.
To Dad’s immense surprise, the computer cheerfully informed him that his Federally Secure Selfie had been accepted, and that they had received and were now processing his return!
“What the FUCK?” Dad glared. “Oh well. If I’ve screwed it up, Larry can call me.”
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I bring this up because recently, Dad received an interesting piece of mail.
It was a letter from the IRS, addressed to him, a nerve-wracking thing to recessive at the best of times. Instead of a complaint about Dad’s Selfie Skills, it was a letter congratulating him on using the new ID.me System. It thanked him for his help and expressed hopes he would use it again next year, and included the selfie that The System had finally decided to accept.
“You know, my dad used to complain about automation.” Dad sighed, staring at the image. “Incidentals my boy! My secretary saves the state of California millions of dollars a year catching small errors before they become massive ones! He’d say. Fought the human resources board about her pay every year. I used to think he was overestimating how bad machines were and underestimating human error, but you know? He was right.”
He handed me the image.
My father was, technically, in the image. A significant amount of the bottom right corner is taken up by the top of his forehead and silver hair. Most of the image, the part with the facial-recognition markers on it, was composed of Arwen’s Alarmed and Disgusted Doggy face.
“Oh no!” I cackled. “Crap, does this mean you have to call the IRS and tell them you’re not a dog?”
“Probably.” Dad sighed. “I know who I’m gonna bother first though.” he said, taking out his phone (Dad did find his phone a few hours after Arwen absconded with it when mom called and the early spinach started ringing).
“Hey Larry!” Dad announced to the local federal agent. “You’re never gonna believe this. My dog filed my taxes!”
Larry considered this for a moment. “Is this the dog that stole my sandwich? Out of my locked car?” he asked suspiciously.
“The very same.” Dad grinned.
“Hm. Clever Girl.” Federal Agent Larry sighed. “I figured it was only a matter of time before she got into tax fraud.”
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I'm a disabled artist making my living writing these stories. If you enjoy my stories, please consider supporting me on Ko-fi or Pre-ordering my Family Lore Book on Patreon. Thank you!
#Family Lore#Dogs#arwen#Arwen the Crime Dog#Taxes#Ronald Regan mention (derogatory)#long post under the cut#this one is funny this time#I could really use some extra tip money this month
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#bonus traditional front-facing angle under the cut#grimer#no idea what this one is. closest thing is probably a#looming#?? or a muncher but i've already tagged looming so#i think i've heard somebody say once… imagine what it's like to be one of these things#some other pokémon get to be fire-breathing foxes with nine tails‚ or a ghost possessing a sword & shield#or even for the ones that're made out of goop—goodra still gets to have. a form#but this guy. is just. goop#that's what i've heard‚ anyway. i'm sure there's lots of folks out there that would love to be one of these things#and i'm sure everyone that. already is one of these things. loves being one of these things#i hope
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Baby I'm yours 🎶
#ref under cut this time cus I liked it way better without#as promised from the latest poll results!#it's been a hot minute since I did ship art#I should do it more often - it's nice#maybe some zo/san in the near future#ace attorney#narumitsu#wrightworth#phoenix wright#miles edgeworth#o0kawaii0o
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Literally rotating them in my head
#feel free to use these little guys got some alt versions under cut#in stars and time#isat fanart#isat siffrin#I hope this is as revolutionary to you as it is to me#I feel like it is appropriate that I stop during multiple points while making this and just stared at him spinning#no thoughts in my head
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Doc.
Dok.
How bad is your eyesight without your glasses?
well it could be worse
#and the not blurry version under the cut#this is with some generous rounding...#doodles#tf2#tf2 medic#tf2 engineer#the doc is in
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some dresses
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Jazz puns, am I right?
Some random doodles
#trigun#trigun maximum#midvalley the hornfreak#hoppered the gauntlet#shinxo art#midvalley knows how to throw hands i just know it#like he'd rather not to (hands are precious for a musician) but i bet he could knock out a dude if he's rly not in the mood for any bs#on the OTHER HAND it's an absolute delight to imagine he's actually incapable of fistfighting anyone and resorts to#running away when sylvia overheats or he runs out of bullets#hmm food for thought#the doodles under the cut are just me going “i need to draw some vague angst” and “i need to cook midvalley with bbq sauce”#cw blood
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Edwardian outfit complete! 🥰 I'm so happy with this look!!
Skirt and waistcoat: GibsonGirlDress (etsy) / Blouse: Lace Garden / Corset: Lucy's corsetry / Boots: American Duchess / Accesories: Aliexpress
#Nips photos#personal#historical fashion#edwardian#I made a little GRWM sort of video too 😊 I'll share it later#I can't wait to wear this out when the weather gets colder!!#I made a bunch of new outfits too I'll share later and hopefully show some of my husband's too if I can get him to dress up when it's 35ºc#I listed the shops under the cut btw!#nips blogs
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everything is the same except Odile is the one looping
oh. heheheheh. muahahahaha. hold on *digs through my pile of disorganized sketches*
Odile loops au; a sketch compilation!!
Some old fic drabbles + associated sketches under cut (a6 secret spoilers):
hc: Since equipment carries over, as long as Odile uses her book in a fight, she can write down notes and have it carry over loops
toxic doomed yuri (for a more fleshed out fic I highly recommend The Sweetest Thing by soreimoon, it's amazing)
#isat#odile loops au#in stars and time#isat spoilers#isat odile#odile timeloop au#congrats on unleashing the hell gates of odile looping au!!! I've thought about it a bunch!!!!!#contexts:#candy is a reference to sasasap i think. not sure if odile likes candy though#i think it'd be funny if odile struggled with understanding how shields work for a bit. she spends several loops asking mirabelle for help#I think odile would actually spend more time in the loops once she's sure she can just loop again. They're not actually in a rush after all#and she might as well maximize her loops#under cut:#she leaves all of her excess books with loop. Loop has another thing to do while waiting#yes loop is still you know who in this one#toxic doomed yuri is just very self indulgent teehee thanks discord folks#not depicted: I also think that the more loops she does the more she views them as experiments#with variables to control and test#that's where she starts falling off the deep end and start testing stuff like. not warning siffrin about the rock#(instantly regrets it though. loops back the first time she tries)#day 26 today?#A big one! Have funnn#you can tell some of these are really old by the different colored background lmfao#isat au
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Dantlings
Bonus charon:
#under the cut is just the indivs#I was gonna do other stuff today. didn't do other stuff today. however these are cute so. anyways#idk how Heath got eyeliner and I decided to simply not question how that happened. rodya got him or smth#if you see any missing details please ignore them#actually likes how all of these came out. was real worried about Meur n Greg especially#also yes Don's dantling is in red mist cosplay. Lulu's one is meant to be wearing some of his jewellery as a crown#yi sangs smile here is one of my greatest bits of art#rodya too! she was not meant to be that much more than the others. or look that much like Hermann#also today was the day I noticed Oats Donqui n Rock Boy all wear what seem to be company badges. cute#obsessed with how I rendered that first one. Dante is truly cutie patootie of all time#art#k draws art stuff#digital art#original art#fanart#limbus company#faust lcb#yi sang lcb#don quixote lcb#ryōshū lcb#meursault lcb#hong lu lcb#heathcliff lcb#ishmael lcb#rodion lcb#dante lcb#outis lcb#sinclair lcb#gregor lcb#🪶👻🎠🚬🌇🔮⛈⛪🪓⏰🐣👢🪲🛶
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there you are
#inspired by k9effect's bloody!jake art#bg and lines under the cut#idk whether I like the background I did sooo white void it is :]#my art#sereshaw#hangster#bradley ‘rooster’ bradshaw#jake 'hangman' seresin#top gun maverick#top gun#illustration#tgm#art#it looks more yellow for some reason oh well#rooshang
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You wanna hear a good story? Listen to this one.
Mobius + comfort
#owen wilson#mobius#mcuedit#lokiedit#marveledit#loki#marvel#owenwilsonedit#dianagifs#CHARACTER OF ALL TIME FOREVER BELOVED#thank god this is my own post and i'm not about to write a tag essay under some pour soul's set bc here we go lmao#imagine MAKING comfort at a place like the tva!!#where we know what happened when he hesitated#and also explains the general antagonistic attitude towards him by most of the other hunters in s1 bc why would they respect him afterwards#but he never stops believing things will get better because if he can change so can anyone else#when d-90 essentially apologizes for KILLING him how could mobius do anything but offer forgiveness#when he himself had followed the guise of those same orders to kill and understands what it feels like to realize that#for all the reassurance and support he gives everyone else the most he ever allowed himself was a dream#which led to the same rapt attention and focus from a god no less in order to finally be seen for the first time and appreciated bc of it#then as always owen showed this in a million ways from microexpressions to line delivery so guess i'll just yell about it for eternity#(or at least some more in my mind since tumblr is cutting this off in search unless i trim the tags but y'all feel me ✌️😅)
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are you certain, james? are you certain?
some crops for detail :-)
#the terror amc#my art#fitzier#francis crozier#james fitzjames#jfj#based on ilya repin's 'ivan the terrible and his son ivan'#there are some cropped versions under the cut that hopefully show off some of the details#rake brush go kkrkrrrrkkrrrkrkrrrr#this one's from the vaults also i kept chipping away at it since like. january#once again using my art skills to drive myself to hysterics🙆🥰#i feel like im due another rewatch soon but this time i wanna watch it With somebody and i havent been able to bully anyone into it yet
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#some more bonus angles under the cut because holy shit#psyduck#sniffer#someone in the server said somethin about psyduck and golduck's names being mistranslations#because psyduck is more golden and golduck is better at being psychic#but i honestly thought it was just because neither of them are psychic-types‚ which always threw ME off as a kid
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gabv1el for my buddy @tapewires
[blood version under the cut]
#clemart#ultrakill#gabv1el#v1#v1 ultrakill#gabriel#gabriel ultrakill#blood warning under the cut but ill add tags here bc why not#its not very detailed but it never hurts to be safe#blood#tw blood#everyone say thank you ludwig for making me draw this piece#i actually have some older ultrakill art that i'll post after this
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silly guy continues to be fun to draw (part 1! :D)
bonus Lulu under the cut!
#not as happy with the one under the cut but i still wanna share the little guy :D#hazbin hotel#hazbin lucifer#lucifer morningstar#hazbin hotel lucifer#hazbin lucifer morningstar#hazbin hotel lucifer morningstar#rexan's art#I TOTALLY MISSED OUT ON POSTING FOR LUCIFER WEEK (WHICH IS GOING ON RN) BECAUSE I AGGRAVATED AN INJURY AAAAAAAAA#I EVEN HAD SKETCHES FOR ALL SEVEN DAYS READY TO GET DIGITALLY CLEANED UP#SO I HOPE TO HAVE A BELATED PERSONAL LUCIFER WEEK SOME TIME BEFORE THE YEAR ENDS#might post my sketches tomorrow tho!! some of them are REALLY rough LOL
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