#there's simply regard and expectation and (i'm sorry for saying it all the fucking time but it's true) love.

[sukugojo]

different anon here, i came here wanting to clarify something but i saw that your reply took the words out of my mouth HAHAH it's funny seeing some of us shippers sharing the same braincells and having similar opinions. love this small community but i hope it gets bigger (wake tf up people!!! are 15 consecutive canon suspicious homoerotic chapters not enough for people on the international jjk fandom to finally start shipping them?!)

the something being that i don't sense any malicious hateful intent coming from either gojo or sukuna. this is a rare enemies/rivals trope imo. like their whole theme is about teaching love and trying to maybe come to a mutual understanding despite fate cruelly putting them on the opposite sides, as they are really just different sides of the same coin. and that's one of the many reasons why i love this pairing. it's not easy to find a non-toxic enemies/rivals dynamic portrayal in media so i'm glad that jjk is an exception.

p/s: i'm an extremely introverted person so unfortunately i won't have the social battery to continue this conversation, but thanks for reading my ask! i really want to interact more with my people bc yall are lovely and have great tastes but socializing drains me so much

YES YES ANON, they really don't hate each other at all. one thing i was thinking about is how gojo doesn't seem to think of sukuna as this malicious Evil thing that other sorcerers (rightfully) make him out to be. he... really hasn't been shown to harbor any ill feelings towards sukuna, even after all he's done.

and their fight is playful, they're playing, they're having fun, it's recreation. sure the fate of the world is at stake here, but that's not what it's about for them at all.

there's not hate, not even dislike, it's simply. well to steal canon's words. love. an overwhelming sense of pleasure, of satisfaction, of fulfillment.

and i LOVE that u mention "despite fate cruelly putting them on the opposite sides" bc YEAH YEAH, that's part of the tragedy of them. there's too many factors outside their own personal satisfaction at play.

and i think there is also a bit of a paradox in there. they're looking for someone with whom to share that solitude that comes at the lonely top. but... that's something i don't think to be possible. sure they're equals, that's the thing, but at the same time, their existences clash just by definition. bc there can't be two strongest. there can only be one.

both can't live at the same time. if one lives, the other can't live by definition.

no one understands them bc they're the strongest, but once they find someone who might be able to—and who does—dont they stop being the strongest?

[hwaslayer]

vivrant thing (jwy) | five.

—SPOTIFY PLAYLIST / SERIES MASTERLIST

—SUMMARY: after getting into a little accident, wooyoung decides to do his sister a favor by pretending to be your date at the company summer party. as soon as the night ends, wooyoung would go back to his usual routine of hanging out with his boys, keeping his distance from committed relationships and being a typical brother to jiwoo. except, the favor comes with more than what wooyoung expects and he finds you occupying his mind more than usual. 

—PAIRING: jung wooyoung x f. reader

—GENRE: (18+ - minors dni) bestfriend’s brother au | fluff, angst, smut

—WORD COUNT: 9k

—CHAPTER CONTENT / WARNINGS: cussing, mature language/sexually implied content, crying, chapter is pretty heavily papa-focused, mentions of illness, the talk happens!!, crying, bbygirl is sad and exhausted but wooyoung tries his best, yes im sorry i had to reference the howl/wooyoung thing, small sweet kisses and affectionate acts, very brief mentions of alcohol consumption / intoxication / hangovers, also very brief mentions of wooyoung's past again, more jiwoo vs. wooyoung (bickering not actual arguments lol), lots of apologies from jiwoo lol sorry if i missed anything!

Something's wrong, and Wooyoung can't figure it out. It's bothering him. As much as he's trying to respect your space, he can't help but worry about you. Especially when you haven't returned any of his texts or calls. He was expecting something, anything by now, so he can't help himself when he sends another text—

wooyoung: are you at work?

you: i'm about to head home.

You only respond because even though you aren't quite ready to face him regarding all of this yet, you don't wanna worry him unnecessarily. But, it still does anyway. Why aren't you at work?

And maybe, he should've asked if it was okay to see you first. It's the anxiety, the panic, within him that isn't letting him rest. He just needed to see you and make sure you were okay after everything that went down. His sister could be a piece of work, and you didn't necessarily have Yeosang to lean onto. Truthfully, you wouldn't be mad if he actually showed up at your door step. He is the comfort you need as much as you'd hate to admit it right now. At the same time, it'd make you a little more sad though, more confused. 

Lo and behold, when you get home from the long night in the hospital, Wooyoung is leaning against the rail; waiting right by your doorstep. You don't question why he's not at work either, but you feel a sense of relief come over you seeing him there. A sense of relief mixed with nervousness. He doesn't say a word, simply cause he's trying to read you. He's trying to figure out if he's the reason why you look so low and tired. If it's his sister, Yeosang. All of the above.

"I don't really have time to talk about this, Wooyoung—" Is all you mutter as you unlock your door and step in.

"Then, we don't have to talk about it right now. I just wanted to make sure you were okay." He slips in and slowly kicks off his shoes, watching the way you drag yourself towards your closet. You're not sure why that's enough to trigger you, but you find yourself starting to tear up. Exhaustion hitting you tough, sadness stemming deep from your gut. Wooyoung can tell, and even if you're trying to be incredibly sneaky about it, he can still hear you quietly sniffing away. "Y/N." He says, forcing you to pause your movements as you continue to cry. "What is it? Whatever it is, let me help."

"Wooyoung, please just go. I need to go back."

"Go back where?" 

"The hospital." You mutter softly.

"The hospital?" He furrows his brows. "Wait, what's going on? Why are you shutting me out?"

"That's a bold question to ask after that everything that's happened." Fuck, Wooyoung thinks. Don't be fucking stupid, Wooyoung.

"You're right, I'm sorry. I'm just—" He pauses, watching as you pack things in your bag before setting it aside and grabbing a new change of clothes. "I'm worried about you."

"Don't be."

"Y/N." He calls you again, and you take this moment to look him in the eye. Everything within you wants to cave when you see him looking down at you the way he is, hand gently tugging at your wrist. He's basically pleading through his eyes, and the only reason why you continue with your next response is because he actually looks like he means it.

"Papa's in the hospital." You softly say.

"W-what?" He stutters. "What happened? He got worse?"

"Kidney infection." Wooyoung sighs. "He's been hiding it, but he's been feeling more than just being tired. The pain got really bad. Super sudden and sharp. He almost went into sepsis cause of the fever he had."

"Shit. Is he okay now?"

"He's stable." You try to brush past him to quickly wash up and change, but he blocks your path.

"Let me take you." You try to move past, yet you're still unsuccessful.

"Wooyoung." 

"I'll take you back—"

"Stop it. I don't need you to. I don't need you to do anything for me. I can handle it." Your response almost makes him flinch. Truthfully, he knows he deserves it. He knows it shouldn't have taken him this long to talk to you, to reach out to you. So, he knows. He's fully aware. It doesn't make it sting less, though.

"I fucked up. I acknowledge that and I'm sorry. There's so many things I can tell you when the time is right. But, for now, please don't shut me out and do this alone. I wanna be here for you." He pauses, every inch of his heart slowly shattering the more he sees the tears constantly staining your cheeks. "Please let me be here for you." You nibble on your bottom lip, shifting your attention away from Wooyoung as you wipe at your tears and try to suck it all up, try to regain composure. Before Wooyoung can even reach out to wipe the stragglers away, you step around him and lock yourself in the bathroom, leaving Wooyoung in the middle of your living room area. You give yourself a good 15 minutes to freshen up and change before meeting him outside again. He sits on the arm of your couch, patiently waiting.

"I just need to grab a few more things."

"Do you need me to help pack some stuff up?"

"It's okay." You pack some clothes and the rest of your necessities in case you'll be able to stay the night again, though you know it's probably a long shot. You hate having to be away from Papa, and now [even more than ever], you feel the need to keep him close. You feel the need to make up for not being there when he needed you the most; the guilt eating you alive.

Once you've finished, you grab yourself a bottle of water and turn to Wooyoung who is now waiting for you near the door. He gives you a small, toothless smile, gently grabbing your bag from you before leading the way out of your studio and to the car.

The drive is so, so incredibly quiet, but Wooyoung understands you need this more than anything right now. The only time he spoke a word was when he asked you which hospital you needed to go to. Otherwise, he let you sit in your peace. He'd look over from time to time, itching to hold your hand, kiss your hand or gently massage your head as a way to affectionately reassure you that things would be okay. Instead, he looks back out to the road and adjusts the heat a bit to make sure you're warm enough— hoping it's enough to provide comfort from a distance.

"You sure you don't wanna stop by for food or coffee? Anything? You should eat."

"I can just eat at the hospital."

"Mmkay." Wooyoung says, pulling into the hospital and straight towards the parking garage. When he pulls into a spot on the second floor and shuts off the car, he immediately steps out to grab your things from the trunk. You walk alongside of him towards the main entrance, checking in with the front desk before slapping on your visitor stickers and heading down the hall. It's quite the journey of twists and turns before you get to Papa's room, and a sense of relief washes over you when you finally arrive. He's sleeping in his bed, TV on to one of his favorite cooking shows.

"Papa." You gently rub at his arm to wake him. He looks up at you with sleepy eyes, mustering all his energy to smile back at you and Wooyoung.

"Y/N, Wooyoung."

"How're you feeling?" Wooyoung asks.

"Better. Not the best yet, but better." Wooyoung nods before turning his attention to you. "Why don't you go eat? I'll stay with Papa." Wooyoung looks at you sympathetically. You simply nod in response, tugging Papa's blanket up before you let him know you'll be stepping out for a few minutes.

"Papa, do you need anything right now?" He shakes his head. "I'll be back then, okay? I'm going to get food." Papa nods sleepily. "Wooyoung is here." You turn back to Wooyoung, who is now sitting in the chair next to his bed. "Want anything?"

"I'm good." He gives you a pursed smile, watching you walk out of the room and down to the cafeteria on the other end of the first floor. After grabbing some toast, a bit of egg and bacon, you order a latte to go with your food. You sit at a table near the window and slowly eat away, scrolling through social media and stumbling upon Jiwoo and Hongjoong's pictures. You like all of them, though the two of you hadn't really talked much since the fight, since she left. Despite all of the commotion, you still sent her a text wishing her a safe trip, in which she replied with a heart reaction. 

You left it at that.

It was hurtful, and you were sad you and Jiwoo were like this. But, you were still optimistic that the two of you would return to your usual ways soon. Besides, you still needed to figure out what was going on between you and Wooyoung.

All of this was a mess.

You feel your bottom lip tremble and you press the back of your finger flat beneath your nose to try and prevent yourself from crying in the cafeteria. When you feel the wave pass, you let out a shaky breath before focusing on finishing your food. Meanwhile, Wooyoung continues to watch the TV while Papa lays next to him, in and out of sleep. At least, that's what he thought until Papa breaks the comfortable silence that had fallen between them.

"Wooyoungie." Papa is barely able to make out, his voice hoarse and tired. Wooyoung is surprised to see him awake right now, only being able to imagine how tired he is.

"Mhm?" Wooyoung tugs his blanket up a little more on the side, returning his attention back up to Papa's face afterwards.

"Take care of my Y/N, hm?" He smiles softly. "My body isn't what it used to be. I'm afraid it'll only get weaker, and at some point, my time will come." Wooyoung's heart drops hearing the statement fall from Papa's lips, though, when he faces the reality, it's only the truth. "Take care of her. Please don't leave her alone."

"I will. I promise I won't leave her side, okay?" Papa lets out a content breath, resting his head back against the pillow. "Although, I think I might've messed up with her."

"You didn't." He pulls another tired smile.

"Pretty sure I did." Wooyoung licks his lips. "I was being stupid."

"You needed time, I assume. It happens to the best of us." 

"Did she.. tell you everything?" Wooyoung asks, afraid of the details Papa might know. And he knows, to some extent. You did tell him that dinner with Yeosang was terrible. You did tell him that you drank a little too much after, that you accidentally texted Wooyoung instead of Jiwoo. You did tell him things 'kinda' escalated. 

And then you apologized profusely while you cried at his bedside for not being there because you got into a fight with Jiwoo over the whole thing with Wooyoung. You cried your sorries nonstop; Papa didn't even know what was more painful to endure: you breaking down and sobbing, or his kidneys going outta wack.

—FLASHBACK

"Papa?" You step inside his apartment and slip out of your shoes, a small smile on your face when you see him watering his plants out on his balcony.

"Hey, there she is." He laughs a bit, putting down his watering pot before placing an arm on his lower back. "Was just watering my plants." He winces a bit as he steps inside and plops onto the couch.

"You okay?"

"Ah, my lower back's been bothering me, but it's not too big of a deal. Probably just need to exercise and stretch more."

"You sure? We can go to the hospital just to get it checked out."

"No, no. No need." He sits back and smiles up at you. "I am sure."

"Okay. I'll brew us some tea? I got us a few pastries from your favorite café." You sit the box down on his coffee table and pop it open, revealing a matcha cream pastry and a fruit danish with seasonal berries [which is Papa's favorite].

"Sounds good. Thank you." You smile at him and start heating up some water before seeping bags of green tea. Papa lets out a content sigh as he flips through his TV and starts watching the news while you prep. "So, wanna tell me how dinner with Yeosang went?" You briefly pause, hearing the electric kettle click and automatically shut off. You take two mugs out from his cabinet and pour the tea into each before dipping the green tea bags. You set them aside for another 3 minutes, grabbing two small plates and utensils for the pastries.

"Well, to be straightforward, it was awkward and terrible."

"Awkward and terrible. That bad?"

"I don't even know if we'll even go back to being the same, Papa."

"I'm sure you will. Just give it some time. It's all fresh so it'll feel weird for a little bit." He looks at you and observes the way you avoid eye contact with him, even while you cut the pastries in half. 

"Mhm." You hum.

"Something else happen?"

"Why do you say that?" You pass him his plate and utensils, still avoiding eye contact.

"You're avoiding your old man." He chuckles and you briefly look at him before shaking your head and returning your attention to the matcha cream pastry on your plate. "You were never a liar, so it's easy to tell when you're not exactly telling the truth and covering up."

"I don't know."

"You can tell me when you're ready."

"I am ready. I just don't know how to say it."

"You know I'd never judge you."

"I know, I know." You sit back on your knees before looking up at him. "Hm. After the dinner, I went to the convenience store near my house and drank some soju to get my mind off of dinner with Yeosang. Plus, I dunno, I didn't feel as satisfied so I grabbed some snacks. I got a pretty tipsy again and ended up accidentally texting Wooyoung instead of Jiwoo. He came to my rescue. We hung out at my apartment and um." Your bottom lip pokes out. "Things kinda just.. happened." Papa nods slowly.

"Ahhh." The response is somewhat elongated.

"I know, it's awful."

"No, it's not. But, why do you seem sad or upset about it?"

"Because I dunno where this leads us. We haven't talked. I haven't even told Jiwoo yet either and I know she won't take it well. That'll probably ruin our friendship, too." You sigh. "I'm just losing my friends one by one."

"Don't say that. They love you and care for you as much as you do. Fights will happen but it won't compare to the strong foundations you've built." He pauses. "Where do you want the whole thing with Wooyoung to lead you?" You shrug.

"Is it dumb to say that I like Wooyoung? It all started from the party and—" You let out a frustrated sigh. "I know he probably doesn't feel the same." And that's the issue for you.

"You don't know that. Maybe he needed time to form his thoughts, Y/N." You look at Papa blankly. "People who have feelings will often need time to form their words. It's too deep for them to understand quickly so they dissect carefully. Especially if they don't wanna mess things up. Give him some time before you overthink and start jumping to conclusions. Can you do that for me? Wooyoung wouldn't just leave you without answers like that."

"I guess, ya." Is all you say, shaking it off before you start crying in front of him. "Anyway, tea is ready. I'll go grab it and we can watch your favorite movies?"

"Sounds good to me." He chuckles a bit, though deep down he is a little worried about you. Himself. He's been feeling off lately, and after this, the last thing he wants to do is worry you more. 

He just hopes whatever he's been feeling will pass so it'll be one less thing on your plate.

—END

"She didn't have to tell me specifics." Wooyoung nods. "Do you find yourself feeling any different about her now that time has passed? You can tell me and it'll be safe between us."

"I like her. A lot." He does a slight head tilt. "Wouldn't blame her if she didn't feel the same, though. I handled it poorly."

"My girl's got a big heart." Papa chuckles a bit. "I know she feels the same about you, or else she wouldn't have been sulking over it." He lightly teases, making the heat rise to Wooyoung's cheeks. "Just promise me you'll take care of it. You'll take care of her?"

"I'm sorry. It was my fault in the first place. But, you have my word. I will. I'm gonna make things right after this."

"I trust you." Papa holds out his hand for Wooyoung to take, and he does. He holds it tightly, giving it a squeeze.

"For now, she still needs you, too. Promise me you'll take care of yourself?"

"I know, I should, huh? Might need you to be my personal trainer." Wooyoung laughs a bit.

"I think you're stronger and way more knowledgeable than me."

"Should we arm wrestle when I get a little better?"

"Sure, I'll let you hurt my feelings just once. I deserve it." Papa laughs just before shutting his eyes to rest again. The nurse comes in to give Papa his breakfast and meds, greeting Wooyoung as she sets it up on the table. As soon as she instructs Papa to eat his porridge and take his medicine right after, you walk in and greet her with a small smile on your face. You speak to her to check on any new updates regarding Papa and she reassures you that everything seems to be fine. If he continues to improve and remain stable within the next day or two, she thinks he can go home sooner than later.

"Do you think I can stay here again with him tonight?" You're holding a pastry in a bag and a cold, bottled americano for Wooyoung in your hands. "I-I just don't know if I can leave him alone here." The nurse looks at you sympathetically and shakes her head, her hand on your wrist.

"I'm so sorry, Y/N. I wish I could bend the rules even more for you, but we can't allow visitors to stay for another night. I promise he's in good hands, okay? And as soon as the morning comes, you're more than welcome to come back." You sigh and nod, trying to be understanding of the rules. You knew this would be the outcome, but mentally preparing ahead of time doesn't make you any less sad. Nervous. Anxious.

"No, it's okay. I understand. Thank you." She gives you another sympathetic smile.

"Call me if you need anything, okay? I'm here until visiting hours end tonight." You nod, watching as she walks out, leaving the three of you in the room. You hand Wooyoung his food and drink, pulling the table with Papa's food and medicine over.

"You didn't have to."

"You should eat, too." You look at him before looking at the food and unwrapping it. "Papa, you ready to eat? You gotta take your medicine soon so you can sleep a little more."

"I could eat." You chuckle a bit while Wooyoung helps him sit up properly. 

After Papa eats and drinks his medicine, he continues to fall in and out of sleep due to the exhaustion from everything that happened over the past day and overnight. The pain seems to be managed well, and the treatment plan that the doctor has him on seems to be working. It was caught at a time before things could get too deep and severely irreversible, so you're grateful for that despite the pain Papa had gone through. In between his naps, you and Wooyoung would talk about the show on TV or go on quick walks around the hospital before coming back to the room. The only time Wooyoung leaves your side is to briefly buy some food at the convenience store across the street, grabbing you an egg salad sandwich and some iced tea per your request, and grabbing himself a few other snacks in case you wanted some, too.

Which, as he expected, you ended up stealing his chips and mochi. You only left him with a bite of his favorite strawberry mochi, but he couldn't even be mad when you looked at him with wide-eyes, powder around your lips after taking the majority of the damn thing into your mouth. All he could do was sigh, suppressing the want to tease you and tickle you until you surrender [or kick him in the balls accidentally, whichever comes first].

When evening hits, you make sure Papa gets a good amount of his dinner in before taking his medication and drinking lots of water. It hurts you to leave him alone for the night, but you know he'll be coming home soon and you'll be able to spend as much time as possible with him then. You squeeze his hand and hold back your tears, reassuring him you'll be back in the morning before dragging yourself out of his room when visiting hours ends. Wooyoung trails behind, hand rubbing at your back gently as he guides you back to the car.

The ride back home is equally as silent as the drive over to the hospital, and Wooyoung is having trouble figuring out when he can talk to you about everything going on between you and him. No time ever feels like the right time, but Wooyoung knows he has to do this instead of pushing it off even more. 

"Wooyoung?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you for driving me and for staying with me today." 

"It's nothing."

"It's a lot, and I really appreciate it." He looks over with a tiny smile before pulling up to your street. It's obvious Wooyoung wants to say more and you know what it is, but the assumption doesn't get solidified until he breaks the silence again; you're not entirely sure how to feel with where this is going.

Anxious? Afraid of what he might actually say to you about everything?

"Y/N." Wooyoung calls for you just as he parks his car and shuts it off. "Can we talk now please? It probably won't feel like the right time, but I'd really like to before the night ends. I don't want another day to pass like this." You look at him, hand tugging on the sleeve of your sweater as you nod.

"Okay." Wooyoung looks at you and gives you a small smile.

"Let me start off by saying I'm sorry about the way things happened. I was fucking stupid and I shouldn't have left you that morning. Truthfully, I just didn't know how to put my feelings into words because it's never been this way for me. I know it sounds cliché, but I really don't know how else to explain it. I just.. I like you. A lot. I have a lot of feelings for you and it was scary for me because it happened quick, and I wasn't sure if you felt the same. I know I should've just said it to avoid all of this in the first place, but clearly I'm bad at it." He chuckles nervously before shaking his head. "Um, anyway—I'm rambling. I'm sorry." He repeats, soft dark brown eyes on you. "Point is, I like you and there's nothing else I've been more sure of. I hope I didn't mess this up already, but I'd understand if you wanted nothing to do with me. I didn't treat you the way you should have been treated that morning, and I'm sorry for making you feel that way in the first place." His voice falls lowly, Wooyoung trying to stomach his nervousness for your response. He watches as you fiddle with your fingers before you look up at him.

"I appreciate the apology. I'm not gonna lie, it was hurtful Wooyoung. And it didn't make it any better that your sister was in my face with the 'i told you so.'" You sigh.

"I'm sorry, I know. That was never my intention, Y/N. And if you wanna do this with me, we can take this slow so that I can show you. Because I never wanna make you feel that way again."

"I feel the same way and I do want this with you, Wooyoung. I'm just scared."

"I know, and that's completely valid. But, I promise you that you can trust me to take care of you from here on out, okay? We don't have to rush into anything and just take it as it comes. But, I'm here with you no matter what. Nothing will change that." You slowly nod, the feelings slightly becoming overwhelming. 

"Okay." Is all you respond with. You're feeling happy, relieved, but also scared, anxious. It might just be everything that's been happening with Papa, but it feels good to know you aren't entirely alone. Because even if you didn't wanna admit it before, you were afraid of being alone. Despite your friends being with you over the years, there was always a sense of loneliness that was hidden in the corner of your mind. Loneliness without your parents. Loneliness without a person, your person. You tried not to look at it this way because you weren't really lacking anywhere and still had love coming from different avenues. But, you also can't lie and say you didn't think about it and how it'd feel to have your parents, or someone to call yours genuinely and wholly.

"And Jiwoo.." Wooyoung does a slight head tilt. "I won't apologize on her behalf, but whatever she said about me, I can't lie and say it isn't true. You know I haven't been the best in the past, but you mean more to me than that and I'm trying to do better this time around. It's not gonna be perfect but know that I'm trying." He lets out a breath. "She'll come around soon, too. I know you're worried about her. You know how Jiwoo is."

"I hope so."

"I'll try and talk to her."

"It's okay. I think I just need to sit her down and open up to her about all of this." He nods.

"We're okay then?"

"Yeah." You manage to push the rest of your feelings back momentarily when Wooyoung leans over to place a chaste kiss on your forehead. For a second, things do feel okay.

"Come on, let's get you upstairs. Been a long day for you." You nod. Wooyoung grabs your bag from the trunk, following closely behind you as you walk up to your studio. You still seem rather quiet and although he's happy the talk is done with and you two are okay, he can tell something else is bothering you. It isn't long before he finds out because as soon as you enter your studio, you let out a heavy sigh and drop your purse to the floor. You stand in the center, suddenly breaking down into your hands when the feeling gets immensely overwhelming, almost unbearable.

"Y/N." Wooyoung says, close to a whisper. He comes from behind and gently wraps his arms around you before turning you to face him. He pries your hands away from your face, thumbs softly coming to wipe your tears away. "Baby, hey. It's gonna be okay." He shushes you as you rest against his chest, crying and wetting his shirt. "Baby." He repeats at a whisper, shushing and cooing you in his arms. "What is it? What's bothering you?" He tenderly kisses your tears away, thumb caressing your cheeks while he looks at you with a small frown on his face.

"What if they didn't get there in time, Woo? What if he had been one minute late—" Wooyoung tuts and rests against the back of the couch, pulling you in between his legs. He continues to wipe your tears away, shaking his head.

"But, none of that happened, okay? None of that happened. You don't need to worry about that because he's still here. He's recovering and you've been there with him every step of the way. That's all that matters. He's gonna get better, he already is. He'll be better tomorrow and the next day, and so on." You sigh, looking at him before nodding. 

"I can't lose him right away."

"You won't. I promise. He's still strong and he'll get through this." He brushes the hair away from your face. "It's gonna be okay." He repeats.

"Sorry."

"Don't be, love. Why don't you get comfortable, hm? We can hang out here and watch another Studio Ghibli movie."

"Will you stay?" You ask him softly, watching as he presses a kiss to the surface of your hand.

"Of course I will, Y/N. I'm just gonna grab some stuff from my place, but I'll make it quick and come back."

"Okay." You answer, voice dipping close to a whisper. Wooyoung pulls you closer, pressing a light kiss to your lips before standing. As you grab your pajamas, Wooyoung gets a hot shower started for you, tossing a bit of your lavender epsom salt onto the shower floor to help relax you. He reassures you again that he'll be quick before shutting the bathroom door and heading out. You give yourself time to just be under the hot water, letting it ease and relax your body while you cry out all your worries and concerns— letting them all go so that you can find some peace for the time being.

Maybe the universe will take the rest into its own hands.

After taking your time in the shower, you step out and do your nightly routine— carefully lathering the lotion across your body before working on your skincare. You throw on your red flannel pajama shorts and step into a vintage Disneyland crewneck before walking out to light up some candles and search for a good movie. It's not until about 15 mins later that Wooyoung comes through the door, holding a brown bag in hand; duffle bag slung on his shoulder while he's also [apparently] sporting red flannel pajamas and a black Stussy hoodie.

"Copycat." Wooyoung points to your red flannel pajamas as you watch him show you his own hiding underneath his sweats.

"Excuse, I threw these on first."

"What if I got to my apartment before you stepped out?" Wooyoung cocks a brow up, making you roll your eyes in return. He snorts and rushes to hold you from behind, kissing you on the cheek. "It does look better on you, though."

"I thought so." He chuckles a bit before pointing at the bag. "So, I might've made a pitstop to the McDonald's drive-thru because I was craving a shrimp burger and some fries. I got you the chicken sandwich. With a side order for their special sauce?" He says in a questioning tone. "And fries!"

"How'd you remember?"

"Please, I've only had to do the order for you and Jiwoo a million times over the years." You giggle.

"Thank you, Woo." He sets his bag down and slips out of his sweats to walk around in his flannel pajamas before coming over to you in the living room.

"No problem." He points at your hair. "You can get sick." He crinkles his forehead at you before walking into your bathroom and grabbing your hair dryer hanging off of the organizer you have. He takes one of your wide-toothed combs and plops back onto the couch.

"Wooyoung." You look at him as you take the food out of the bag and set it on the coffee table. "You don't have to dry my hair."

"Well, I know you won't and I don't want you to get sick. I don't mind. Come." He pats the area in between his legs. Once you've set the empty bag aside, he sits you in between his legs before plugging the dryer into your extension cord. He switches it to the low heat setting, taking the blow dryer to your hair as he gently combs through. You set the TV onto Howl's Moving Castle, picking at your fries as Wooyoung continues to patiently dry your hair. "You can eat." He says over the noise. You hold up a fry for him to take in his mouth, continuing his motions until your hair is mostly dry, a few strands still damp but not too wet. "There." He says, shutting it off and gently combing through your hair.

"Thank you." He chuckles before neatly tying the cord the way you had it done earlier and slipping out from behind you to put it back in the bathroom. You've moved back onto the couch with your burger box in hand, pressing play to the movie as Wooyoung sits down.

"Yoooo." He smiles. "This is one of my favorites!" You look at him with your eyes squinted. "What?"

"You know, since you started growing out your hair, I knew you looked like someone but I could never put my finger on who exactly. And now it makes sense."

"What?" He repeats.

"You look like Howl." He blushes and does his high-pitched giggle, making you snort in response.

"You mean that?"

"Shut up. You just wanna hear it."

"I do." He pouts.

"I'll change it."

"I mean go for it, you can always look at him here on your couch." He wiggles his eyebrows.

"Wooyoung." You whine, flipping to Grave of the Fireflies.

"Baby." It's his turn to whine. He'd probably kick his feet and cry about it if he truly wanted to. "Why'd you turn it?! I heard this is hella sad!"

"Then, we'll cry together this time! A core bonding moment." You press play.

"Sassy." He looks at you. "I just wanna remind you that you ate my favorite mochi earlier." Wooyoung reminds you and you sigh.

"I already said sorry!" He laughs.

"I'm just teasing."

"Do you really not wanna watch this?"

"No, I do! I don't mind. I just thought the reminder would help since hours passed." You roll your eyes.

"I'm just gonna buy you another one tomorrow." 

"I'm kidding. Honestly." Wooyoung laughs. "You know what I could take instead?" You cock a brow up.

"Dare I even answer?"

"Too late, I'll take that as an answer." He puckers his lips. "I'll never bring it up again." He says in between. You giggle and succumb to his wants, quickly pecking him on the lips that leaves him smiling in a daze. "I'll never get tired of that." You shake your head and press play, the both of you finally eating away at your food as the movie gets on to a start without interruptions. 

You finish your food within the first 15 minutes, not realizing how hungry you were for good, sloppy comfort food. Wooyoung surprisingly remains quiet for a majority, only making noises and reacting to specific scenes. Eventually, the food coma hits you and you find yourself switching positions until you're snuggled up to Wooyoung. He takes the outer end of the couch while you lay on his chest from the inside. The blanket you leave hanging on the arm of the couch is now draped over you two, Wooyoung's arm around you to keep you close. When the movie hits the last 20 minute mark, Wooyoung starts spilling out his thoughts, but finds that your responses get more and more delayed as time goes on.

"Mhm." You answer late, causing Wooyoung to look down at you. You're damn near falling asleep on him, and it doesn't help that Wooyoung feels incredibly warm. Comfortable. He laughs a bit to himself before gently shaking your shoulder and pressing another kiss to your forehead.

"Falling asleep there?"

"Just wanna rest my eyes for like.. 5 minutes." You mumble, with Wooyoung carrying on to finish the rest of the movie by himself. Suddenly, his phone starts vibrating on the coffee table, making him swoop it up in a haste to avoid waking you up from your so-called 5-min nap.

"Ay!" Wooyoung rests the phone on his ear, regretting it as soon as San's loud ass voice comes through on the other end.

"The fuck are you so loud for?" Wooyoung says lowly, hoping this doesn't wake you.

"Kinda drunk. Wanna head out? We're gonna head to the bars!"

"Uh, nah." Wooyoung looks down while you shift in your position, snugging closer to him. "I'm good."

"What?" San laughs. "You're turning down bar hopping? For what?"

"Just cause. Plus, it's the weekday. You're gonna be so fucked tomorrow."

"Wow, that's new." San snorts. "Are you with Y/N or something?"

"Yeah. She's asleep."

"So, you won't even head out for a bit while she's asleep?"

"No, dude. I'm not gonna leave her." There's a silence that falls between them before San is clearing his throat.

"I get it. Okay then! Well, we'll be at our usuals if you change your mind."

"Probably not. But, have fun and be safe." 

"Thanks!" He says before he mumbles something to the rest of the group and hangs up the call. Wooyoung wraps up the movie and switches it to a college basketball documentary that's playing on the TV, only making it about 15 minutes more before he finds himself getting sleepy.

"Y/N." Wooyoung calls for you before he can fall asleep completely. "Let's get ready for bed so we can sleep." You let out a small whine before rubbing at your face, sitting up as Wooyoung follows suit. You sleepily waddle over to the bathroom to brush and floss your teeth with one eye barely open. You quickly check the clock outside, seeing that it's only about 11pm but it feels late. You feel exhausted. Wooyoung is tossing the trash away before wiping down your coffee table, shutting off the TV before grabbing his things from his bag. You quickly pee and wash your hands before walking over to the bed and letting Wooyoung take over the bathroom. 

The entire studio is dark at this point besides the bathroom light seeping from under the door in the corner, and for once, the dark doesn't seem so frightening, so lonely. 

So cold.

For once, the dark is soothing, is peaceful. For once, the dark is warmth because Wooyoung will be there no matter which direction you turn. You crawl under your covers, scooting towards the inside of your bed to make room for Wooyoung. He takes about 10 minutes before he shuts off the light and heads over to join you. He sheds off his hoodie and tosses it aside, slipping under the covers in his pajama pants and white tee. You continue to face him as he settles, his hand coming to your side to pull you a little closer.

"Wooyoung."

"Yeah, babygirl?"

"You know you don't have to stay at the hospital tomorrow, right? I'd be okay if you just dropped me off." He shakes his head.

"No, I don't mind. I'll stay."

"You sure?" You yawn.

"Mhm. I want to."

"You're gonna be so fired." He laughs.

"I've got hours, don't worry."

"Thank you."

"Stop thanking me, love. I'm only trying to take care of you properly." You sleepily smile at him while he kisses the tip of your nose. "We should probably sleep since we need to be up early tomorrow." You nod, his hand giving your side a squeeze. You initiate the kiss this time, feeling comfortable yet bold enough to give him a goodnight kiss. He holds it for a second longer before parting, chasing after your lips quickly after. You giggle when he starts to repeatedly kiss you and smiling into the kiss, almost having trouble prying himself off of you. "Okay, okay." He laughs. "Goodnight, pretty girl."

"Goodnight, Woo." You welcome yourself into his arms and almost fall asleep immediately, his arms feeling like home to you.

The next morning comes, and you and Wooyoung are off to the hospital about 30-mins after visiting hours begin. You found it hard to sleep fully throughout the night, anxious and scared a call from the hospital would come through about changes in Papa's status. But, thankfully, none of the sort happened, and Wooyoung did his best to keep you comfortable throughout the night by whispering his reassurances against your head.

Through sweet, gentle touches and squeezes. 

To your relief, Papa looks brighter and more alert when you walk in. He's already slowly going through his oatmeal, the morning news on the TV screen. He smiles when he sees the both of you walk in, loosely hand-in-hand. You happily walk over to Papa and hug him, sitting on the edge of his bed while you place a hand on his forehead.

"How'd you sleep?" You ask, his temp feeling way better than the past days.

"Good! I was in a deep sleep." You laugh.

"No pain or anything?" He shakes his head. "Good. Everything seems to be working. You might be outta here tomorrow!"

"I just might." He chuckles. "The nurse said she was gonna come back and wash me up. Was hoping to get me up and walking around to get some movement in, too."

"That's a good idea. Let's go on a walk later." Wooyoung says as he sits on the chair by his bed. You nod in agreement, watching as Papa continues to eat away at his oatmeal and fruits. 

"Do you need to go home?"

"Mm." Wooyoung looks at his phone. "I was going to just to make some food for us."

"You should go. We'll be fine."

"You sure?"

"Yes." You give him a look, and he can't help but return the look in a playful manner.

"I'll go in a bit, but I'll be quick when I do." He tugs on your hand. "Come sit and relax." You sit in the empty chair next to Wooyoung. You continue to ask Papa about his night and if the doctor visited this morning. He says yes, sharing the optimism from the doctor despite the fact that he'll have to make a few lifestyle changes moving forward. You share in the excitement, agreeing that Papa looks way better and seems to be progressing back to his old self. You and Wooyoung let him know that you'll be there every step of the way, making sure those changes are implemented smoothly. Papa starts to tell you about his dream, and how he was hiking up a tall mountain without any issue. At the end of the trail was a beautiful view of a city, but he couldn't pinpoint where exactly. He describes all the pretty flowers blossoming on his way to the top, the sky clear and blue. He jokes about how he hopes he can make it come true soon, even if its a local hike. You chuckle, telling him he needs to take it easy for awhile until he fully regains strength and he remains stable for a good period. Wooyoung chimes in, volunteering to join him when that time comes.

When the conversation settles, Wooyoung takes this as an opportunity to head out so he can come back right away. He heads back to his apartment to whip up a good lunch and dinner [along with whatever snacks are lying around] to pack up for the two of you to grub on. While he occupies himself with food prep, he calls San to check on him and to ask him how the night went. As expected, his bestfriend is hung over as shit at work, groaning and complaining about how he drank too much and should've paced himself knowing he had work. Wooyoung laughs at him over the phone, giving him his own version of an 'i told you so' before San lowly cusses him out. He asks about you and Papa and if everything seems to be better. Wooyoung lets him know that Papa's improved, and that he was able to talk everything out with you. There's another silence that falls between them and it's because San simply isn't used to this Wooyoung. He's used to the Wooyoung that was a 'lil shit, playing his game and being up and about no matter what the time or day was. He's used to the Wooyoung that wasn't messing with serious relationships and the Wooyoung that had to give the 'i think you should go' talk after every fuck. Or the 'it was never supposed to get this serious' talk when the girls would find themselves talking to him about feelings.

It's just been a long, long time since San has seen this Wooyoung, and quite frankly, he wasn't sure if he would ever see it again. But, don't get him wrong. He is happy for you two, and it's almost like fresh air hearing Wooyoung talk about you the way he does. He's gonna have to get used to seeing less and less of him, and that's fine— as long as Wooyoung was genuinely happy.

RIP to those days, though. It was fun while it lasted!

Once Wooyoung finally finishes whipping up some food and packing it away, he grabs a few other necessities; fully expecting to be with you tonight so that he can help you with Papa's potential release tomorrow. He's glad he told work he'd be out for the week. Even though it was a bit last minute, he does have a shit ton of PTO and sick hours accumulated that he doesn't mind using if it meant he'd be with you.

God, he really fucking likes you. 

So much that Wooyoung finds a 'lil pep in his step walking back to his car, plopping the bag of food right onto his passenger's seat— buckling it up to keep it safe and steady. He blasts his music out of the parking lot, Mr. Donnell Jones coming through on his speakers with U Know What's Up. He sings along until he's rudely interrupted by a call coming through from his sister.

"Damn, Jiwoo. You couldn't call any other time?" Wooyoung clicks his teeth. "What is it?"

"I just got back to my apartment from the airport, jeez. Can I swing by?"

"No. I just left."

"Then do you think you can stop by really quickly? I got you a few things from Japan." Which, as we've learned, is Jiwoo's way of apologizing without having to flat out apologize to her brother. Wooyoung rolls his eyes and lets out a sigh, shaking his head as if she can see him.

"Can't either."

"Why not?"

"Because. I'm on the way to the hospital."

"Uh. For what?"

"Well, while you were too busy being all upsetti-spaghetti, Papa's been in the hospital."

"What? Why didn't Y/N tell me anything?! Oh my god—"

"Jiwoo, if I were her, I would not be thinking about you first either." Wooyoung furrows his brows as he continues to drive off. "Besides, you being the good ol' bestfriend you are, kicked her outta your place, remember? I don't think she necessarily feels like she can come to you right now."

"Fuck." Jiwoo whines, feeling guilty about everything. She knows she was a tad too harsh, and she knows she should've come to you first. But, she was waiting until she could see you in person to apologize for the way she acted. "Which hospital?"

"SNU."

"I'll be there soon with Joong." 

"Don't come if you plan on yelling some more."

"I'm not! I need to see my bestfriend, Wooyoung. You can't have her to yourself."

"Can't hear you—" With that, Wooyoung abruptly ends the call. He drives into the garage and finds a spot on the third level, carrying the bag of food he made in his hand before making the trek over to Papa's room. 

"You're back." Your eyes twinkle when you see him walk in and he can't help but smile.

"That, I am." He presses a kiss to your temple. "I made some food for lunch and dinner. Or else my groceries were gonna go bad."

"Wow, okay chef." You laugh. "Thank you, Woo." 

"Mhm." He responds in a sing-song tone before turning to Papa, who is now coming out of the bathroom with his nurse. "He's up."

"He is!" She answers.

"Am I allowed to take him on a walk and get some steps in?"

"No, please. Go for it. Thank you." The nurse steps aside to let Wooyoung guide Papa and the IV pole out into the hallway. The nurse watches them until they head out, returning her attention back to you once they leave.

"Is that your boyfriend?"

"Mm. A friend that's a boy?" You tease with a small laugh. She gets it though, and she knows. You didn't even have to say it because she can clearly see it through Wooyoung's actions alone.

"Well, he seems to care a lot about you and your grandfather. It's very sweet."

"He is." You give her a toothless smile. "Thank you for taking care of him. I really appreciate it."

"No problem. He's been good, so I'm more than sure he'll be out of here tomorrow." You nod, watching as she walks out of the room. You sit back and look through the bag Wooyoung brought, giggling to yourself when there's a whole bag of sour punch straws and other random snacks surrounding the tupperwares. You pick at the tiny bag of biscoff cookies, nibbling onto one as you sit back and catch up on one of the podcasts you actively follow. 

Just as Wooyoung and Papa come back into the room about 30 minutes later, you scurry off to the bathroom down the hall. At this point, Jiwoo and Hongjoong barely miss you as they turn the corner and approach the room. Wooyoung is helping Papa get situated properly back in the bed post-walk, the two talking about the episode from his cooking show that's currently playing on TV. When he turns towards the door and catches Jiwoo'a figure, he gives her a small nod of acknowledgement.

"Joong, I think an intruder snuck in with you." Jiwoo rolls her eyes while Hongjoong laughs it off, the two of them formally greeting Papa and checking in with him. Jiwoo looks around the room, making sure she hasn't missed you before turning to her brother.

"Where'd she go?"

"Bathroom." Wooyoung gives his sister a particular look. 

"Don't give me that look." She pouts a bit and he shrugs.

"What else am I supposed to do?" Is all he says before you appear in the doorway, pausing in your steps when you noticed the additional visitors in the room.

"Oh. Hi—" Jiwoo comes rushing over, pulling you into the biggest bear hug known to man. At first, you're caught off guard even though this has happened during silly little one-off fights with Jiwoo in the past. But, once you've gotten over the initial feeling, you slowly wrap your arms around her and rest in her hold.

"I'm so sorry, Y/N. I really am so sorry. I shouldn't have done all of that, I shouldn't have yelled and kicked you out— I'm so sorry." She mumbles against you. "You must've felt so alone. I'm sorry. I wanted to wait until I saw you in person again but Wooyoung told me Papa was here so I had to come. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have gotten so angry and said those things—" She continues to repeat until she's basically sobbing in your arms, the three men in the back minding their own business and giving you two space.

"It's fine, Jiwoo. Stop apologizing."

"No, it's not." She pulls back and looks at you with a pout, brushing your hair back. "I treated you so poorly and unfairly and I'm so sorry."

"It's okay. I probably would've reacted the same way if I was in your shoes. It's fine. We're okay."

"Are you sure we are? I promise I'll make it up to you."

"Stop that. You don't need to, okay? I promise we're fine." She lets out a sigh and examines your features, somewhat relieved you don't seem too exhausted or stressed from everything going on.

"Are you and my brother good? Did you talk it out?"

"We did."

"So, is this a thing now?" She points between you and him, and you nod timidly.

"Y-yeah. It is. I hope you're not mad."

"I'm not. I'm only slightly grossed out just cause it's Wooyoung, but I'm not mad. You just let me know if he messes up ever again, okay? I'm sorry, Y/N. And wait, don't think about replacing me with him either." You snort, shaking your head at her. She hugs you tightly again before holding your hand and bringing you to the gift bags she set aside at the corner of the room. She hands you and Papa a gift bag, while shoving Wooyoung's his way. Her and Hongjoong tell you a little bit about the trip, but they don't go into too much detail before they start asking about Papa and how he had been feeling. As the conversation continues, Jiwoo notices the way Wooyoung completely changes around you [in a good way]. He's got you on his lap, hand gently caressing your arm. It looks so natural and so.. meant to be [and so not out of place] that Jiwoo can't even be mad or find a reason to justify her past actions. He cares about you, and you with him.

All she's ever wanted was for you to be happy, for Wooyoung to be genuinely happy. She's not gonna lie— it does melt her heart a bit to see it live.

They hang around for a good hour or so before Jiwoo and Hongjoong give Papa some time to rest; Wooyoung offering to walk them back to the car while you stay behind and sit with him as he falls into an afternoon nap. Hongjoong quickly runs over to the bathroom, leaving Jiwoo and her brother alone momentarily.

"You really care about her." Jiwoo says softly.

"Yeah, I do." He stuffs his hands in his pockets and kicks at the imaginary rocks below his feet.

"Don't fuck this up, okay?" She looks at him. "Seriously, I'll beat your ass if you hurt her."

"I won't, Jiwoo." He says, slightly annoyed. But, he knows she means well and is just being your bestfriend. "Could help if you had a little more hope in me, you know?"

"Okay. I'm sorry." She sighs. "So, what are your plans with her? You haven't asked her out officially, right?"

"Well, that's why I'm gonna take her out on a date once Papa's out and better."

"To where?"

"To mind your own business, that's where." He looks at her with a brow cocked up and she rolls her eyes.

"Idiot." He snorts.

"Actually.. I have a few ideas but there's this one I really like. Think she might have fun and enjoy it with me."

—TAGLIST: @asjkdk @interweab @woojirang @svintsandghosts @cheolliehugs @persphonesorchid @mxnsxngie @jycas @cowboydk @heyitsmetonid @ldysmfrst @intaksfav @wooyoungsbrat @hyukssunflower @yunhoswrldddd @gotthicbish @thespiffynerd @jaytheatiny @yoonrixx @aurorajoye @i-love-ateez @starrywoo @bitejoongie @thedistractedwriter @dalsuwaha @huachengsbestie01

[mixtapedoh]

How about lonely boy, lee know, and forced proximity?

@eclliipsed — i am thinking of you, specifically while writing this <3

;༊ — lonely boy

pairing: lee minho x gn!reader genre: fluff, office setting word count: ~3.6k warnings: language, situational stress, han is here stirring the pot, a startling amount of homicide jokes

olive’s notes: a unique challenge of writing lino fic that i did not before account for or even conceptualize is that when i think of said silly little stray kids cat boy, i think of him almost 99% of the time as 'lino' and like 0.9999999999% of the time as 'lee know'. lee minho? you mean the actor? it's not clicking up here, asdfghj. all that's to say, if i make a mistake and call him lino instead of minho, i'm so sorry, feel free to stone me in the square on whatever day is most convenient for you <3.

☄. *. ⋆ lee minho x forced proximity...

— society, as a collective, just loves their 9 to 5, right?

i mean, if it were actually a 9 to fucking 5, maybe you wouldn't be screaming, crying, throwing up, gnawing on the iron bars of your enclosure.

— but haha, as a general rule (collectively agreed upon at some point, or perhaps no one agreed so much as they were browbeaten into submission), more than society loves their 9 to 5, they love their workplace grindset culture.

gotta get those financial gains, amirite?

— which is all to say, you were simply enamoured, quite totally besotted with, completely captivated by and hopelessly devoted to your demanding, grueling, parasitic life-force of an office job.

and people had the gall to say you didn't have romance in your life.

clearly, they hadn't seen the zeal and devotion with which you dedicated yourself to your company issued computer, stacks of files, and white-walled cubicle.

after all, regular hours simply weren't enough for all the worship you had within you — you simply had to have both your mandatory overtime and your Implicitly Dictated and Oh-So-Reasonably Expected overtime hours as well <3 you did want to keep your job after all, and job security is such a silly little thing <3 corporate culture really is just soooo romantic in that regard <3 complete and utter devotion <3 commitment almost pious <3

until you managed to break away from the curse of Living in a Society and could live without bills, debt, responsibilities, more bills, more debt, and the desire for silly little (but financially substantial) hobbies to make this existence of yours worthwhile, your love affair with your job would simply have to stick.

— which made for the perfect little soup you were currently mired in. a thick broth of learned helplessness seasoned with intense loathing, a dash of interest in low stakes coworker drama, a sprinkling of compulsory people pleasing, a garnish of yes man energy, and an optional mix-in of untapped, constantly simmering rage.

so, of course you were best friends with han jisung.

— the universe really did do you a solid when they placed han jisung in the cubicle next to you.

perhaps the only employee that hadn't succumbed to the incessant humanity-sucking leech affectionately called a company, jisung was the only one who kept you sane when you were 56 hours deep in your work week and considering moving to a homestead on alaska where you would likely not even last a whole 72 hours — but, hey, you would at least get some sleep at the end of it when succumbing to the effects of hypothermia, so it didn't seem that bad of a gig, really (jisung always offered to cover half of the down payment cost, but at the end of the conversation, he'd just buy you a coffee and the two of you would call it even).

— and being friends with jisung was, all at once, both a blessing and a curse.

(because this is corporate living and existence is a fucking nightmare ~°~♫⭒~꘎ )

— poor excuses for jokes in your company chat box, sticky note battles during days when the mundane tasks you were assigned were mind-numbing enough to fell the strongest of corporate warriors, the constant "i owe you" back and forth when one of you went on a coffee or vending machine run and grabbed something for the other, and, of course, juicy gossip during your lunch break — all of these were the positives of being jisung's partner in captalist crime.

— but on the other hand, should either of your work be wanting in any regard... well... accountability is a word long enough to stretch between two.

— which led you to your current state of affairs.

"the next time you forget to delete your 'tongue-in-cheek' speaker notes on the powerpoint we're submitting for review from higher ups, i'm breaking your fingers so you can't type them in the first place."

but of course jisung just turns it into a joke about a hand kink.

— your punishment for 'distasteful' jokes left in the margins of official company output wasn't anything too severe — bless whatever cosmic force made it so that the generally easy going mr. ok taecyeon was the one to see jisung's fuck up, and not someone less forgiving — but it meant the next few weeks would be hell in the form of grunt work.

see, your company was expanding in the industry, and it meant that the building you were currently working in wasn't big enough to house all the ✨aspirational goals✨ it was just starting to believe in. thus, the majority of higher ups were going to move into a new office building... and for some ass-backward reason, so, too were all of the archives.

and someone had to go down there and box it all up, making sure it was properly labeled and in order.

sure, the company was just head-empty enough to have the desire to move physical archives to a new office building. but at least they wanted it all in order before they stuck it in a different dusty basement.

— the very first day you went to the basement and saw the sheer level of work the two of you had in store, you locked eyes with jisung and just knew that fucker was going to find some way to get out of it.

— on your lunch break you tried to beat him to the punch and defend your honor against the soul crushing weight of undue punishment. but alas! you had already taken vacation days in the last month (damn that kpop concert - did you really have to be that devoted to your ult group??) and han hadn't had a day off for the last 6 months.

how the hell did you end up doing the punishment work for actions that weren't even (mostly) yours?

han jisung better move to that alaskan homestead after all, nowhere else would ever be safe from your wrath... once you got out of this basement, of course.

— the most you were given was help in the form of lee minho — who would have thought that he of all people would be your saving grace?

maybe he'd help you plan jisung's murder. they were friends, true, but anyone who was around han long enough would not be opposed to plitting his demise. it was part of his elusive charm, after all. everything wonderful about him also lent itself to fodder for plotting his demise.

convenient, really, given the circumstances you were in.

— but back to lee minho. perfect performance lee minho. always last to leave the office lee minho. infuriatingly not suffering from looking chronically fatigued or daunted, overwhelmed, or simply fazed by the overzealous work culture you found yourselves in, lee minho. curt and focused but lacking of an edge that would make him unapproachable lee minho. impossible to pin down, the vitruvian man of corporate dreams, somehow the bosses favorite despite failing to do any of the sucking up some of your other coworkers engaged in almost religiously lee minho.

he didn't frustrate you; he didn't even really baffle you, but he didn't exactly occupy your brainspace in a way that could be described as indifference, y'know?

maybe this was something you could blame of jisung, too. he always talked about minho an ungodly amount, waxed poetic about how it was a shame that minho worked in a different department — how the two of you really would get along famously, but damn, if he couldn't convince either of you to spend any of your (perhaps two (2)) hours of off-duty life in the same place at the same time.

social lives, after all, were laughable, where the both of you were concerned.

— the day you walked down there and saw minho already elbow deep in a filing cabinet seemingly older than your parents (which, lamentably, was the worst organized filing cabinet you'd ever seen, and was regrettably representative of 95% of the work ahead of you), you laughed out loud and took the moment to convince minho to take a picture for you, so you could tell jisung that he was missing the Historic and Long Anticipated Meet Up, and that was the moment you realized that you were so deep in the basement, phone service was a pipe dream.

it wasn't a concern, really — you were both benefiting from the random employee benefit of free spotify premium, so your downloaded content was enough to get you through the long hours of organizing and packing, and hey! being in the basement meant no one really expected any more out of you than your required hours and whatever mandatory overtime you had left to complete.

— so really, jisung had been stupid as hell to avoid this punishment. it was effectively less work than you were used to (though tedious) and you were far enough away from your desk that the thought of the work piling up in the world above wasn't eating at you that much (at least not any more than usual; workplace anxiety and you were well acquainted, at that point <3)

— and minho! — god forbid you say anything complementary about that bastard han jisung while he left you (more than) 6 feet under, doing work that was, by many rights, his punishment — but he had been right when he said you and minho would gel.

he didn't disturb you, for the most part, but working in the same space for full work days with nothing to do but listen to podcasts and check the dates on dusty files meant that Annoying The Only Other Person In Your Vicinity became a welcome distraction from wallowing in the fact you were moving at a pace slower than desired. and he responded quite well to any question you threw his way - no matter how brain-dead, invasive, or embarrassing. in fact, he'd hit something back - put the ball in your court in a question almost more ridiculous, leaving you to question how jisung hadn't forced the two of you together sooner (but fuck jisung; all my homies are blaming this comedy of errors on jisung and are in this basement actively plotting his demise).

— and it didn't take you long to realize charming minho is almost exactly like getting a neighborhood cat to endear itself to you.

pspspsps at random (bat a stupid ass joke his way);

give him space but respond to his random bids for attention;

have a snack drawer (one of the first emptied out file cabinets furthest to the back of the archival area) and occasionally offer something sweet as a reminder that the snack drawer exists and is for joint indulging;

entertain him with logic puzzles and psychological warfare;

and, of course, shit talk your coworkers and company.

indulge the cats desire for destruction and mayhem; tell minho that whenever he was ready to put in his two-weeks, you'd be right there beside him and would run the paper shredder all night while he corrupted the files.

exist calmly and comfortable in the cat's space; work so well in tandem that you began anticipating the movements of the other.

spend quality time with the cat; both of you begining to wordlessly take your lunches at the table in the archival basement, instead of going all the way back up to the cafeteria, choosing instead to chat with each other and indulge in the other's niche interests and stupidly staunch opinions on poor pieces of media.

slow blink at the cat; catch yourself staring for a bit too long when he doesn't notice you looking, your thoughts getting all muffled and sappy as you become wholly fascinated by the slope of his nose and the softness of his big, dark eyes that look perpetually half-bored at work but sparkle with intelligence and mischief when you call out his name — lighting up with interest and disguised delight as that lazy, gummy smile makes it's way onto his features, eyebrows quirking upward, already expecting a challenge and...

— wait... what was that?

— is there absestos in the company walls, and that's why they decided to randomly move buildings? is there lead lining these filing cabinets? black mold in the ceiling? were you perhaps inhaling narcotics in this dusty ass air and hallucinating something vivid?

you were not developing a crush on someone just because you were stuck in the basement with this fool for going on two weeks now and hadn't seen another good looking coworker in quite some time. this wasn't some kind of drama where the ceo has a strange delight in forcing company employees into situations laced with ✨sexual tension✨. you weren't a main lead suffering from romantic withdrawals. remember your leech of a company. you have no time for shit like that.

— but, i mean, if you're never out of the office, perhaps finding romance in office is a solution...

shut the fuck up, you and minho weren't even in the same department. that point was moot.

— because damn, maybe asbestosis really was getting to you, and that's what was knocking the wind out of you any time minho smiled. yes, certainly the absestos in the walls was what was informing the way your heart constricted whenever the two of you brushed hands passing a file between you. maybe you should sue your company and have some hospital use you as a case study. maybe all the distracted daydreams was a new symptom of your newly contracted deadly disease.

see, that would make sense. you weren't catching a mean case of crushing on your forced proximity coworker, you were simply dying. because of the absestos.

— but even still, the day both of you piled all the boxes of (appropriately lableled) filing into a work car, and minho drove you over to the new building, the fresh air didn't seem to be a cure all. you were still a little more than distracted by his messy hair and black sunglasses... his concentration on the road... his pushed up sleeves... not to mention his hands wrapped around the steering wheel.

(but of course you'd snap out of your thoughts when you remember that joke jisung made about your supposed hand kink at the beginning of all this nonsense. shut the fuck up, memory ghost jisung. you don't know shit. you and minho had already talked about it and were coming for his broke ass the day he had the courage to step foot in the office again.)

— yeah, haha, you weren't crushing on lee minho because of a comedy of errors you had never dreamed would befall you in the first place. working alongside him hadn't woken anything in you. certainly not.

— and yeah, haha, you'd definitely be able to hide this from jisung when he came back. not a problem at all when he asks you about how sorting archives went (he had the gall to bring it up every five minutes — taunting you with the fact that he got to have 4 days off and was then reassigned to do answer all the emails that had piled up during his time out of office. yes, he had picked up some of the work originally meant to go to you, but still. a veritable traitor who deserved your absence from your usual lunch dates. and yes, it was hard to be slick when he'd bring up your casual absence from lunch — were you finding minho's company to be more than enough? — but you'd manage. like hell were you going to give the smug bastard satisfaction after he made you atone for his and also your crimes.).

— and yeah, haha, you'd would definitely be able to explain to a suspicious and put out jisung why you were canceling anime re-run night with him to instead go with minho to this hybrid cat-and-comic-book-cafe he had mentioned never being able to get a reservation for, despite living two blocks away from it. silly little things like that would be easy to wave away, right.

it's like, totally platonic for you and minho to meet up on your only day off to spend hours lounging at a cafe retreat together where you cooed at semi-sociable cats and joked about adopting and co-parenting the one who enjoyed wearing cute hats, and read comic books for hours and order food to share and have low-stakes debates about the best tropes and characters of shared beloved media.

it's not like that whole set up is incredibly date coded.

and it's not like it would become a recurring habit for minho to invite you to do things with him that would have jisung waggling his eyebrows even as you pleaded innocence and smacked him with whatever quasi-weapon you just so happened to have on your desk (mostly file folders and your favorite cat themed mini calendar).

— haha... it wasn't like you were down bad and incredibly bad at hiding your crush.

...right?

— you fool. you absolute buffoon. han jisung could smell your lies and poorly contained crush from thousands of leagues away. even if you weren't shit at hiding it, he would have known. he could have actually been on that remote homestead in alaska and still picked up on just how brain dead you were over your crush. you thought you were slick? when han jisung has a doctorate in anxious suspicion and twelve master's degrees in the art of bullshitting?

hell, he knew you were going to fall in love with minho before the two of you even met. why do you think he'd wanted to connect the two of you in the first place? because he thought you two needed a social life? please — he knew going in that putting the two of you in the same room was horrible for his self preservation; he knew it was practically undermining company goals because your joint productivity would fall 2000% and the amount of cat memes you two would send on company time would increase so exponentially, you'd both resort to making your own memes using your company paid subscription to adobe creative cloud; he knew that the two of you were almost scarily well matched and equally devoted to drinking your refusal-to-believe-i-can-be-loved-romantically juice.

he knew that you and minho would develop glaring crushes on each other and wouldn't do a damn thing about it beyond smoothly flirting for an afternoon, inviting the other out on dates-that-aren't-dates and promptly fake-gagging and denying in a manner almost theatric that you might *gasp* enjoy the other's company in a way not-so-platonic, only to do it all over again. a vicious cycle of 'stop feeding the rest of us lies and just kiss with tongue already, damnit.' and he knew all of your coworkers would be caught in the middle of it.

— which they were. for, like, a solid five months.

— now, it wasn't too bad, considering the fact that you and minho worked in different departments, but anytime there was cause for collaboration, suddenly you were clambering to be considered, no matter the intense workload or the way the task was slightly out of your wheelhouse. suddenly, it seemed you were incredibly eager to learn and prove yourself.

at first, your team leader was overjoyed. initiative? drive? a seeming zest and fire for more commitment? say less and do more! marry yourself to the dumbass collaboration with the other department! perhaps this could mean freedom for their long suffering servitude under the corporate thumb!

but then they saw you flirting with minho and making plans to spend an afternoon together at a book signing while still on the clock. and while they're not opposed to a bit of misuse of company time (vive la révolution contre les régimes capitalistes, and all that), it was a bitter and sobering pill to watch that shit happen daily while not getting any yourself, and then stomaching the fact that these clearlly love-struck fuckers won't admit their own transparency-set-to-0% feelings and put their chronically-single corporately-suffering coworkers to rest. either say you're in love and just be done with it or take the rest of us out with a shot gun. goddamn.

it's like a sitcom's mind-numbingly over-the-top valentine's day special. someone make it stop.

— and it didn't take a genius to connect the dots and realize that the employee responsible for all of this was han jisung.

after all, he's the mutual friend between them. no doubt he talked about the other constantly in glowing terms. no doubt he planted the seed they'd be a match made in heaven. no doubt he was the one to blame.

and! wasn't it his fuck up that forced you and minho to work together in the archives to begin with?

maybe killing han jisung wasn't going to make you and minho confess to each other, but it would be some kind of catharsis for the people who were stuck in this hell of Watching You Two Take Your Sweet Time With It.

— so jisung had to understandably think of some kind of plot. after all, the two of you were his best friends, but to hope that you would admit your feelings for someone to save his livelihood? don't be ridiculous. the both of you were quite happy with the flirting stage, as it currently stood.

— how to get your stubborn friends to admit their (very real and very reciprocated) feelings for each other... when there's no external or even internal pressure (on them, at least) to do so... jisung would have to think outside of the box.

or perhaps inside of it.

— which i'm sure is reason enough to explain how the both of you managed to get stuck in a closet during your company's holiday party.

and, through it all, is minho's mischievous eyes and your flair for the dramatic.

"do you think we should tell our coworkers we've been dating?"

☄. *. ⋆

blog home

[kkoffin]

Im sorry I just have to rant for a sec.

Everytime I see a radfem talk about the palestine and isreal situation, they never actually talk about whats happening in palestine or the history behind it. Like they never have a discussion about palestine itself.

Unless to say, that hating on jews isn't right. Which I agree with 100%. But why is that the only time the situation, or the GENOCIDE gets talked about in radfem spaces.

Why isn't radfems actually advocting/discussing about it, with deep analysis and data, as they do with other important discussions (fgm, racism, gender ideology, misogyny in many types, ect ect)

Idk maybe I'm just full of hate.

I believe that if you aren’t thoroughly educated on a topic I don’t think you should broadcast your uneducated opinions to ur followers. I do not consider myself educated enough on the history and politics to speak on the topic, but I assure you, there’s aplenty of discussion about it not only in radfem spaces but in all leftist spaces if you want to engage with it. Or even better, just do your own research. Stop relying on fucking social media accounts and tumblr blogs for your global political views. I kinda have to ask, why is it that every time I talk about being jewish or about antisemitism, my ask inbox is flooded with interrogations regarding a conflict I never claimed to be educated on? As far as I’m aware, I speak very little on the I/P conflict outside of responding to said asks. Even then, I ignore half of them.

I recognise antisemitism when I see it. I am cautious of who I tell I’m jewish. I keep updated on who’s yelling “fuck the jews” and who’s burning and graffitiing synagogues, only for my own safety. I’ll say something when someone in my community says “antisemitism isn’t real” or “I wouldn’t shed a tear if there was an organised rape against jewish women”, but I never claimed to be an expert on some many many decade old political issue. I’m not a journalist, I don’t research every happening in Israel and Palestine and its entire history. It’s simply not my area of expertise, but for some fucking reason when yall hear I’m jewish, you insist it must be, and interrogate me with questions about it. My blog and my interests are with women’s issues, not wars. I am jewish, sometimes I will speak about antisemitism and the jewish experience. “they never talk about the history” okay and yall don’t talk about the history of the civil war in Syria. Or immigration, or global warming or animal abuse. It’s just not my field. I do not know enough of the history to make claims and start debates. You cannot expect everyone to know everything. I have a fucking law degree to fill my brain with on top of women’s issues. Do not expect every social media influencer and blogger to know everything about every issue enough to speak on them all. We are not the president. We are (mostly) teenagers and young adults who have laundry to fold.

“why aren’t radfems actually advocating…” probably the same mf reason. they have a focus on women’s issues. I have occasionally mentioned the rape involved in the conflict, but all that boils down to is men rape. no matter what their political alignment, no matter who they think owns what land. If men are so inclined and they are provided the opportunity, they rape women. That’s as far as it goes regarding my field.

I will not speak on an issue I do not feel confidently educated on. Just because I’m jewish doesn’t mean I know every working of the IDF, and I never claimed to. Please fuck off and stop interrogating jewish people on their opinions of the actions of a government/military they aren’t even governed by. And stop relying on and expecting fucking tumblr blogs to tell you about every issue in the world. Go ask someone who’s got it as their paid job.

[tyrantisterror]

At Sea Without a Map pt. 25

For a very brief moment, you consider how out of all the crazy bullshit that's been thrown at you, this - a fucking pirate tiger - is the thing that's breaking your brain. Sea monsters and living nightmares are one thing, but how do you even begin to comprehend something this goddamn silly being real?

Well, apparently you just roll with it, because that's what you end up doing. "Alright, Calibani, translate for me please," you say, "I've got some questions for..." You stop and squint at the tiger pirate, and it regards you back with the terrifying stare of an apex predator. "For Captain Peter."

The tiger sits at attention, waiting for your queries. With a nod from Calibani, you begin to interrogate the big cat. "Alright, so..." You try to think of which questions would be most important to ask, but one keeps superseding them in your mind. "I'm sorry, but why are you a tiger? Like, were you transformed into a tiger or something?"

Calibani poses the question for you in a mix of growls and roars, and Captain Peter simply shakes his shaggy head in response. "He says he's always been a tiger."

"Then how did he get here?" you ask. "Tigers aren't exactly aquatic wildlife!"

After a translation by Calibani, Captain Peter begins growling and roaring back a very long answer, which takes your fishy companion a while to parse. "I think I have the jist..." Calibani says.

"Captain Peter was put in a cage by a nasty man. The nasty man took him on a big boat across the ocean, and Captain Peter was very sad and scared. A great storm came and shook the ship, breaking the cage and letting Peter free! He chased the nasty man off the big boat and onto a small boat, then ate the nasty man and was very happy! But he had nowhere to go, and was stuck on the boat for a long time. Eventually he saw a huge fish, and it tried to eat him, but he ate it instead. Eating the fish made him and his boat stronger, so he kept doing that, and now he and his boat are very strong!"

As the story is relayed to you, you place your palm upon your face and slowly draw it down as you process what you're hearing. "Alright, alright, fine, that makes enough sense," you tell yourself. "But where'd he get the coat, and the hat, and the eyepatch, and the goddamn hand-hook on his tail?"

After relaying the question, Calibani translates the tiger's brief answer, "From adventure." Frowning, she growls a followup question to the tiger, and gets another brief response. "I'm sorry, he's not giving me more detail than that."

Sighing, you ask, "Is he the only crew of this ship? I mean, it's huge, don't ships like this need a big crew?" You look at the tiger again and add, "Also, like, human hands to manipulate it?"

After some back and forth roaring, Calibani translates, "He is the only crew of this boat. It listens to him well, and has grown big and strong."

"What the fuck does that mean?" you ask. "Boats don't grow!"

"They don't?" Calibani asks. "I thought all living things do that."

"Boats aren't alive!" you say, only to remember some odd quirks of your own vehicle. "At least they're not supposed to be..."

"Huh. You learn something new everyday, I suppose," Calibani says.

A thought occurs to you. "Ask him how long he's been here."

Calibani relays the question then gives you the response. "Many days and many nights. He says that he has lived longer than any tiger has lived before out here, and plans to live longer still. As long as he draws breath, he will claw and bite and thrive out here on the sea."

It's not a specific answer, which should be expected from a creature that was not taught how to record and measure time (and hell, it's not like you've been doing a good job of it yourself), but it tells you what you need to know. If you are stuck here, that doesn't mean you're doomed. After all, a tiger's got some significant disadvantages you don't have to deal with, and if he made it this long, maybe you can too.

Still, that doesn't mean you want to stay here. "Ask Captain Peter what he knows about Dr. Neptune, whoever that is. If those notes are to be trusted, that guy might be my ticket home."

A good deal of roaring fills the air as you wait for an answer. "He says Dr. Neptune is... um... a bucket? With meat in it? A meat bucket?" Calibani shrugs. "I'm not quite sure what he's describing, but apparently this Neptune fella is pretty smart, but also strange? He lives in a... what?" She growls and roars back and forth with the tiger again. "He lives in a mountain shaped like a wrinkly butt."

"...a wrinkly butt," you say flatly.

"Yeah, like a monkey's butt, but covered in wrinkles," Calibani says. "Peter says Dr. Neptune does not like it when he calls it a butt, but that's what it looks like, and Dr. Neptune can complain all he wants but he chose to live in a butt mountain so what does he know."

"Does he know how to send me home?" you ask insistently. "I don't care if he lives in an actual asshole, I just want to go home!"

The tiger thinks for a while when this question is translated for him, before finally growling out a reply for Calibani to relay. "If anyone Peter's met would know, it'd be Dr. Neptune." More growling, more translation. "But Peter asks why you want to go back? There are nasty men at home. The sea doesn't put you in a cage."

That question stuns you so bad you feel dizzy, because you're not sure what the answer to it is. As you try to think of it, you feel your compass grow heavy in your pocket, and instinctively reach down, grab it, and reposition it so it weighs a bit less on you. "Tell me where I can find Dr. Neptune," you say, putting the tiger's question out of mind for now.

Captain Peter turns around and looks to the horizon, gesturing at it with his tail-mounted hook. "He says we should travel that way. It should be no more than a day's journey till we find Dr. Neptune's island. If we hit the island with jagged spines, we've gone too far."

"Spines?"

"He doesn't have the largest vocabulary," Calibani says. "I think he means rocks, or maybe mountains? He describes most things in animal terms."

"Alright," you sigh. "Those are directions are easy enough to follow, anyway." You think about any other questions you might have. "Does he have any weapons he can spare - a cannon, maybe? I just lost my harpoon, after all."

Calibani relays the message, and the tiger's eye lights up. He gives a growl before stalking up the plank back to his ship, then returns shortly afterward with a bundle of harpoons held in his jaws. "Oh, that's kind of him," Calibani says. "We have five to spare now!"

You think about how you would have preferred a cannon, but decide not to verbalize it. "Thank him for me," you ask Calibani, and she nods and growls to the tiger.

Captain Peter nods and releases several roars in quick succession. "He says to think nothing of it, and to remember the kindness of Captain Peter. He adds that he wishes us well on our journey, and that we kill and eat many a monster, so we too may grow strong." She gives the tiger a nod as he trots back to his ship. "Pretty pleasant fellow, huh?"

"...yeah," you say quietly as you watch the tiger climb up onto his pirate ship and sail away. Once more you're safe, and while you have more of an idea what to do now, you're still left with a lot of burning questions. Confused as to what you should focus on, you consult your compass.

[virtuousweakling]

Gyokko and Hantengu both have MASSIVE rejection issues and honestly, it leads to their romantic chemistry without them even realizing it and it's so much more than just "two physically revolting antagonists in the same season." Like this is gonna be complex af but I'm just gonna dive on into it.

Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy: A Gyotengu Psychoanalysis

(TW ⚠️ mentions of the bad things, can't tag em all just expect the bad things) ENJOiOiOiOi 🖤✨

Hantengu

Hantengu was probably possessive AF over his wives, friends and literally anyone who pitied him because it meant he successfully manipulated them and had them in shackles and wanted them to STAY there. Considering the author stated Hantengu would lash out on his partners when he was caught with infidelity and then murder them AND the children he had with them (he repeated this habit like a broken record), he likely had an ideal lifestyle in his imagination where he could rope a person into a relationship, knock them up, keep them trapped at home and continue doing whatever he wanted to do such as stealing and cheating, expecting the partner to be totally cool with everything, cook, clean and basically NEVER disagree with him. Due to him being such a womanizer, he was probably forced into marriage at times by getting women he wasn't in a relationship with pregnant. I almost can't picture this in my mind unless he is young and I say this because his elderly form is so fucking depraved, unhinged and emaciated, he'd have to make someone feel sorry for him in order to have any sex in the first place because I highly doubt Mr. Hantengu is the 87 year old village bicycle getting all that coochie looking the way he did. He probably got rejected as a young boy (he probably scared the fuck out of his parents OR his father was just as neglectful as he was) and has this complex in his mind that the perfect relationship with ANYBODY, coworkers, family, friends OR sexual, is one where HE HIMSELF is in total control and the other person basically can't have any feelings. This is a sad thing, because it means his emotions are so out of control he feels attacked by any sort of rejection, disagreement, anger or conflict regarding his own behavior. And trust me, I relate to this hard, I'm a BPD girlie.

Gyokko/Managi

Gyokko (as Managi) to my knowledge, would fly off the handle when he felt criticized for being himself or anything he did or created. He could not manage his rage for the life of him and when he decided to take someone's life for criticising him, he became addicted to the pattern and felt a sense of release in doing this. It's like he almost gets a high doing what he did/does and associates domination over others as joyful because in HIS mind, he takes whoever rejects his artwork and...well...turns them INTO the artwork. What sets Gyokko aside from the other demons is that his objective is not to just CONSUME the flesh. He legitimately has petty, catty ass beef with people who don't give him the attention he wants and he sees them as a potential tool in his... ✨talent✨ It seems like a sick joke but he genuinely thinks of what he does as being ok. His ideal lifestyle, much like Hantengu, is one where HE makes the rules. Perhaps he is someone who simply cannot harness negative emotions in a healthy way because he has literally no moral compass and has to have constant control over people, his body image, his art and his environment to feel better. He literally NEEDS to be worshipped as the priority in order to survive and if you don't comply, well... Why he is this way is unclear as it can be due to many things but we clearly see in the anime that Gyokko's facial expressions turn to disgust, confusion and sadness when people ignore him, belittle him or contradict his motives in any way. He's so comfortable with a pattern where he can just take whoever does that and hide their body in a pot until he gets caught or butcher them into his own disturbing "art piece." I personally do not see Gyokko as someone who is, like how a judge defied Jeffrey Dahmer, "legally sane and aware of his criminal actions." No, I believe Gyokko to be genuinely unstable and emotionally vulnerable, seeking emotional and egotistical comfort in who he kills and how he kills them.

AND IN CONCLUSION;

Gyokko probably sees himself in Hantengu, and is infatuated with Hantengu's hidden badassery, underestimation and literally NO MORALITY, NONE WHATSOEVER. I find it a hard time writing them in a relationship because I can't imagine two controlling personalities living together as a couple. WITH THAT BEING SAID, I also think there's balance in their relationship and Hantengu gives Gyokko exactly what Gyokko wants in a person: inferiority, self deprecation, anxiety and submission. Gyokko is attracted to how heinous Hantengu can be all while defending himself as if he's innocent because the entire situation caresses and validates Gyokko's own ego and dysfunction. Hantengu sees Gyokko as "oh gee, a big strong pawn in my game who FINALLY isn't human, since you know I hate humans, and he likes me too, so let me just hide behind him and act as if I'm an innocent little mouse who doesn't deserve any harm from anyone." Except unbeknownst to them both, they're fucking gay and extremely perfect for each other.

[baker-coded]

Barbie and Ken {S.H.}

𝓟𝓪𝓲𝓻𝓲𝓷𝓰: Steve Harrington x reader

𝓦𝓸𝓻𝓭 𝓬𝓸𝓾𝓷𝓽: 870

𝓢𝓾𝓶𝓶𝓪𝓻𝔂: Steve sees you for the first time in a while at the bookstore while getting a present from Robin.

𝓐/𝓝: I wrote this in an hour. Be nice. Also I'm back to writing again so woo fucking hoo. This is set up to be a series btw. And Barbie isn't reader's name but I really hate typing {Y/N} personally. It feels unnatural to me. Anyway. Enjoy <3

Ah yes, Steve Harrington. He goes by many names. "Steve". "Steven". "The Hair". "King Steve". And, sometimes, simply "Harrington" by teammates and coaches... and rivals. Most notably Billy Hargrove.

But this story isn't about those two.

It's about you. And Steve.

You've gone by a few names yourself in your high school years and post-high school it's like no one bothered to learn your name.

"Queen Barbie" is what they called you. "Queen Barbie" was known as a sweet girl by most people and regarded as a bitch to others. But nothing played into your "Barbie" persona as much as your love for the color pink and the smile that constantly adorned your face.

Always smiling even while you worked. It was a job you loved in all fairness. A bookstore. Quiet. Not a lot of people passing through. And you loved it.

The bookstore was a nice change of pace from high school. It was small and family owned. Not by your family of course, you and your family had... issues to say the least. But that's a story for another time.

In school you wore hot pinks and baby pinks paired with white or gold. Working you went for more muted pinks. But pink is pink and nothing has made you less "Queen Barbie".

And nothing made Steve less "King Steve".

Especially when he came in to buy Robin a book for her birthday. If anything that made him better in your eyes. Steve was always kind to you but you never were into him like everyone expected you to be. He was sweet to you but you knew he was kind of an asshole to others.

He came up to the counter with a copy of Patience and Sarah. You saw the book before him and got excited about it.

"Oh this is a wonderful book. Good choice." You said happily as you took it. You turned the book on its back and put the price in the register as you spoke. "It's about a woman and her lover, who's another woman. One of the main characters is pretty masculine and she eventually 'transitions' to a man kinda. Then she goes by- You know what? I'm sorry. I'm rattling on. Uh... it's five nineteen."

Steve just smiled and nodded at you as he got out his wallet. "I didn't know you read that much Barbie."

Your head snapped up to see Steve, in all his glory. His hair was shorter than you remembered, maybe a bit flatter. He was definitely more muscular but you didn't really know what he's been doing to be so much stronger looking.

You hadn't realized how he had freckles in school. They looked good. And he had the prettiest eyes. And he also-

"Uh... receipt?" Your mouth stopped your thoughts. Auto pilot can really be a bitch sometimes.

Steve seemed to be in the same boat. He looked startled when you asked. "Oh, uh, yes please. It's a gift for a friend."

You smiled and handed him the receipt. "I think we have gift wrap in the back. I can wrap it for you!" You offered, totally not still thinking about his eyes and freckles.

Steve's eyes widened as he nodded. "Please. Their birthday is tomorrow."

"King Steve doing something last minute? I'm surprised!" You teased. "I'll go wrap it."

You took the book and went into the back room to wrap it. It wasn't official wrapping paper. It was just brown paper with book covers printed on it. You put a "To/from" sticker on it and came out with a sharpie.

Steve was standing awkwardly by the counter and his face lit up when he saw you with the now wrapped book. He went to grab it from you and you pulled the book back.

"I remember your handwriting." Was all you said to him. You set the book on the counter and took the lid from the sharpie. "Who's it for?"

"Robin Bobbin Buckley."

You blinked at him in confusion. "Is that their name or...?"

"It's more of an in joke."

"Cute."

You could have sworn Steve's cheeks turned pink slightly but you had no idea. You knew he didn't really blush so it was hard to decipher if it was blush or the summer heat was seeping into the store.

Steve rocked back and forth for a few moments as you wrote down what he told you. You had barely finished when he blurted out: "Barbie let's go on a date."

"What?"

Steve stumbled for a second before finally getting out a coherent phrase. "Date. Me. Please?"

You smiled and handed him the book. "How about in two days yeah? Your friends birthday is tomorrow."

Steve smiled and took the book from you. "I can do that. That works. Movies?"

"Just like school."

"Exactly Barbie." He chuckled. "I know how much you love drive-ins and milkshakes."

"It's fun!"

"I agree! That's why Saturday at 8 is going to be the perfect time."

"I can't wait Steve."

Steve left the store as casually as he could before absolutely freaking out in his car. He couldn't believe he got you. And he was gonna do his damnedest to keep you.

[goldenpinof]

Hi! Can I add my 5 cents to the discussion about the views? I'm one of those people who lost interest soon after gamingmas.

You're right, I don't have as much free time as I used to, so I'm quite picky with entertainment. I was very enthusiastic and nostalgic about spooky week and gamingmas. And good god am I thankful for those.

But what it comes down to is I just don't like their current format now, I hoped there would be changes.

I expected more irl stuff, longer gaming videos with actually good games, a podcast with banter, engagement with comunity. Instead it's the same old stuff. I'm sorry, but I don't care about the sims or the golf or the fucking wiki how articles.

I'm not saying post-gamingmas videos are bad, DnP are actually good entertainers. I just don't want to click on the videos in the first place, especially when there's so many of them in such a short time. I'm simply overwhelmed.

huh. interesting. so it is boring for you, but not because of the changes were made but because there were not enough changes.

you picked gwf and wikihow articles - actual good things left on the channel, hahahaha. i do understand what you mean about "more irl stuff" and "engagement with community" (not only chosen community aka twitter). i think they are kinda scared the podcast won't work, because their views are wibbly-wobbly. and the pod isn't gonna make them money right away unless it's on already monetised channel. they would have to invest in it without a clear certainty it will pay off. or they would need to find regular sponsors or a deal. which is, again, a bit harder with unsteady views. and a pod is also another big commitment. i think there are quite a few reason why they (mostly Dan) are not so sure about a podcast, and i didn't even list all of them. Dan should make a couple of decisions regarding his solo career for the joint podcast to work as a real long-term thing. maybe reviving liveshows would be easier, but for some reason he doesn't even want to do That.

if so much content is already overwhelming (which i agree with), add podcast to it. they would have to partially ditch the gaming channel that is quite profitable (for now, at least). but maybe, just maybe, there are changes on the horizon. if the views don't pick up after this forced break, they will have to react to it somehow. it's all fun and games until dnpg drops to ap numbers. the core audience is here and will be here for the pod, but is it enough? not only for money, but is it enough to give them new solo or joint opportunities? (and don't get me wrong, we still can be very powerful when we collectively want something. but would that be enough to convince companies that aren't familiar with how we can potentially work? we didn't convince anyone when it came to wad, not in 2022/2023. i sure hope we convinced them now, when more people came back. but it definitely wasn't the easiest thing to do. and with each new project, it will be similar, imo).

anyway, cheers to onlyfans. dnp are saying so many things, like they are testing the waters. let's see where it is going.

[tariah23]

im back to say after reading your tags/ramblings on this new jjk chapter yeah everyone shitting on shoko and yuta for this are like? how.

especially with shoko (as you know i think about her a lot) i'm not surprised she reacted this way considering she has seen all of her friends die basically and she definitely deals with dead sorcerers on the daily that she probably knew in life considering she's the main healer. in my headcanons she recognizes a lot of the people who eventually end up dead on her exam table.

plus as you mentioned her reaction to geto's mass murder is super chill. she was never going to have a breakdown over fucked up shit? at least not outwardly, unfortunately we don't really get a look in her head. also god forbid a woman have interest in dead/macabre things and/or not give 110% emotionally at all times.

personally i enjoy satosugu (insert multishipper nuance here) but the fandom surrounding the ship is very...... can you think about any other character? please??? can you also see satoru and suguru as individuals???? PLEASE?

the manga is not your satosugu fanfiction there are other characters here that matter...

IT’S SO BAD!!! THEY ARE ACTING LIKE HIS STUDENTS AND FRIENDS WANTED THIS!?!! And are refusing to look at the story from a narrative standpoint outside of shipper/fanon shit… They do this literally every time something huge and awful happens. They always end up making it about a damn ship, completely glossing over the characters themselves and their intentions. It’s so frustrating. The Gojo and Getou they talk about is barely even them… those are OC’s!!!

And the only reason why they’re talking so negatively about Shoko is because they hate women 🗣️🗣️🗣️!!! It’s crazy, she’s literally a doctor who specializes in the dead. She’s a mortician!!! Like, you’ve stated, she’s been burying her colleagues and friends since she was a teenager. I’m sure she’s used to the business now. Even if it’s hard, if you’re in this line of work, people who work with the dead tend to not find it as torturous and haunting as any normal person would because death is an extension of life. They don’t view death as this big, scary, horrible thing they way people who don’t work with the dead/aren’t used to dealing with death, are. That’s why in rl, morticians and doctors might come off as extremely fickle and end uncomfortably nonchalant regarding death. They don’t view dying and the dead in the same way we would. They find comfort in knowing that they can help the grieving pass on the best way that they can by taking care of their bodies in their most vulnerable moments on earth. It would’ve been nice to see more of Shoko’s reactions and knowing about more of her feelings regarding Gojo’s passing because like I’ve stated before, Gege really fumbled her character and because of the way he wrote her, it makes it easier for fans who already don’t care about her, to mischaracterize and misunderstand her intentions, labeling them as “callous,” and “inconsiderate,” despite her having always been this way since the very beginning. She didn’t even so much as flinch when Getou had confirmed to her that he’d committed a massacre, killing over 100 people in the process. They were talking so casually as if they were talking about the weather. She had to fix up Haibara, probably one of their very first friends who she’d most likely ever had to work on… it’s just, I hate how the people bashing her really DON’T understand her character at all and have never once tried to and they’re constantly proving my point. They expected her to be sobbing in every panel, grabbing onto Gojo’s tight…, Sexy ass, black t-shirt, holding on for dear life and screaming at him to wake up and they absolutely HATE that a female character wouldn’t give that to them 🚶🏾‍♀️. I’m so sorry Shoko… they’re acting like Getou would’ve been the only one to feel bad about all of this simply because they ship them and forgot all about canon.

As for Yuuta… oh brother. The fact that all of Gojo’s students do care about him and have always admired him… Yuuta didn’t want this at all… but he knew that he HAD to do it in the end and so did the others. Knowing the kind of trauma that he’d suffered himself. The pain and isolation that he had to deal with because he was too afraid of hurting people so he pushed them away and purposely isolated himself. He’s canonically tried to take his own life on multiple occasions. After meeting Gojo, he learned that he had just as much as a right to live as anyone else and that he mattered. He chose life. Gojo, alongside the friends he’d made, made a huge impression on him and it makes me happy whenever I think about it. He used his strength to protect others and learned to see his strength as a good thing instead of a curse that separated him from society. Gojo already knows what it’s like to be lonely and lived with that till the very end. But he made sure to let his students know that they all were worth living. This is literally why he wanted to become a teacher in the first place!!! Have the fans forgotten just how much he adores his students!?!! Yuuta knew exactly how Gojo must’ve felt… even taking over his body, he didn’t need to view his memories to find out.

Even if it is, from a narrative standpoint, incredibly disgusting, Gojo gave them permission because he values the lives of the people he cares about, especially the kids (ppl always forget that he loves children 😭… he’s do anything for them), above his own. When it comes to the kids, he knows that he’s the adult in the situation. Just like Nanami, it’s the adults duty to protect the children and he feels the same way. His corpse gave them a way to fight back and he gladly gave it to them as sad as this might sound… He’s always been this way and we all know why. Come on. He’d always seen it as his duty to protect and shield them from the horrors of the real world that would soon hurt them back. I hate that he’s still being used as a weapon in his death so much, it really makes me want to cry, I could barely sleep 😭… but man…, whenever stuff like this happens, it just goes to show that not everyone was reading the story with their eyes open. Blame it on shipper brainrot.

[simtleman]

By the time everyone arrived to the grand dining room, Edna was already sitting there, all dolled up in a stunning two-pieced white silk gown and waiting for them.

— What an odd thing... your mother likes to make an entrance—Vivienne whispered to Cooper's ear.

— Shh... mother darling! Don't you look radiant!

— Save it, Cooper. Please, take a seat and join me for dinner.

They all obeyed without hesitation. Everything was beautifully set, with white and blue toile de jouy china, gold silverwear and a big Louis XVI chandelier right in the middle, chairing the table.

Edna Claythorpe waited for everyone to take their seats, stared at them for a minute and calmly said:

— Thank you all for coming all this way to join me.

— Did we have a choice? You were pretty clear in the letter you sent us. This dinner was not to be missed— Vivienne replied, without even looking up from her plate. She was brave enough to dare Edna, but not while looking at her in the eyes.

— I see you still got your white trash charm intact, Vivienne.

— Ladies, please— Cooper interrumpted— Could we have a pleasant evening, for a change?

— She's right, though. It was crucial for each one of you to be here tonight... as I've got some news to deliver— she sentenced. Edna made a dramatic pause, and then continued saying— I've taken some decissions regarding you all.

— Including me, Mrs. Claythorpe?— Reverend Da Gioia asked timidly.

— Oh, yes. Including you, Reverend.

— Well, don't keep us waiting mother. What decissions are those?

— First of all, I've decided to put Deadgrass Isle on the market.

— You're selling the manor? Why?— Cooper asked, in shock.

— Why wouldn't I? I had it built to my vision and desires and so I shall decide what happens to it.

— I was raised in between these walls too, mother. Don't you think I should also have a say in the matter? And what will happen with Tackett and his daughter? Are you gonna throw them out like dogs?

— Look at my son, worrying about the help. In all the years he lived here he treated them with the coldest of shoulders, and suddenly he wonders about their wellbeing. In regards to the manor, not only are you not going to have a say in the matter, Cooper... you're not going to see a dime of whatever amount comes from it, either.

— Wait, what?— Vivienne asked.

— Yes, I am terribly sorry dear Vivienne, but you're gonna have to find some other family to provide for your goldigging expectations.

Vivienne put her hands on her forehead and shook her head.

— Mother...

— I'm also cutting you off, completely. From now on, you're on your own.

— Mrs. Claythorpe— Reverend Da Gioia interrumpted— Don't you think you might...?

— Oh, and that takes me to my next big announcement— Edna said, without letting Lorenzo finish— Or should I say yours, Reverend? You will be packing your bags, leaving Brindleton Bay and moving to Copperdale. Next week.

— I beg you pardon? Now why would I do that?

— Because if you don't, I will make sure everyone in this town knows about your disgusting little habits myself... and you won't be able to exercise in any catholic church. Not here, not anywhere.

— I don't even know what you're talking about, Edna. For God's sake, why on earth...?

— She knows— Cooper said in a whisper.

— What?

— She knows, Lorenzo— Cooper repeated, staring at the wall right in front of him— It's over.

Suddenly, Reverend Da Gioia understood. There was no need for them to continue with that charade. He swallowed and struggled to find the courage to say something back.

— Is she talking about what I think she's talking, Cooper?— Vivienne asked aggressively, breaking the silence that had taken over the table.

— We'll talk about it later, Vivienne. It's complicated.

Vivienne rolled her eyes and banged on the table.

— So, is it true? Are you screwing a goddamn Reverend?

— Vivienne, if you could please...— Reverend Da Gioia said, trying to calm the waters.

— Shut the fuck up, this is unbelievable! I knew it, I simply knew it! Believe me when I say if your mother doesn't report you to the authorities, I will do it myself!

— Now hush hush, darling Vivienne— Edna interrumpted, with a tone close to sarcasm— You can stop the act, too. You never cared about my son, neither his loyalty or fidelity. All you cared about was his money, and now you know he's not worth a dime. That's what you're really upset about, isn't it?

— I, I, I...— Vivienne mumbled.

— Truth is— Edna continued— you're all nothing but vultures, with your dark ambitions, lies and secret agendas. And now that it's all over and I've discovered each and every one of you, I'm just gonna sit back, relax and enjoy watching all this madness unravel.

As everyone started to talk over each other trying to justify themselves in a joint turmoil, Edna kept quiet and smiled. Little did she know, she had just dug her own grave. Within a few hours, Edna Claythorpe would be dead.

PREVIOUS POST

[telleroftime]

It is a spectrum though. You’re literally ignoring your own people and trying to shut them down because they’re not EXACTLY like you. I’m ace and have been married for 15 years. Love my husband dearly, still ace. People like me exist and I’m fucking tired of a bunch of teenagers yelling about how we don’t, and that people are wrong for bringing up that we do. Literally fuck off, we are not all the same.

Okayy, this is regarding the Alastor post I assume so let's get straight into that.

The two posts I have made about the issue are both about me advocating that asexuality is a spectrum and that people jumping on the defensive and claiming how "Alastor can't be in a relationship" and "Alastor is ace so he can't have sex" are inherently wrong. Naturally there are people that are aceflux, demisexual, etc. and asexuality is beyond what the stereotype dictates. Some ace people are sex repulsed, others are hypersexual. Some feel little sexual attraction and some feel none at all yet still engage with sexual relationships. There isn't one little box that all asexuals fit under, and the same goes to the aromantic spectrum.

I thought I made this view clear in my recent post but I suppose I should have worded it better. I'm the one commenting that "he can engage in those sorts of relationships." There are too many people that comment the fact Alastor is asexual as a sort of shut-down of Alastor thirst-traps and edits. So much that it gets irritating. Most are people that want to don the white-knight armour and defend the illusion of what they think being asexual is, whilst others are people that don't understand that asexuality does not mean sex-repulsion. Arguing back with those people is amusing to me and at the same time I hope to break through some of the miss-information and stereotypes that non-asexual people seem to hold.

I completely understand if you haven't read over the comments under the other post seeing as I think you came from the more recent one - I don't expect that you have read them so please don't see this as an attack, I understand if you haven't - but I've made my stand on this pretty clear and inline with what you've sent in:

"We're not told what type of ace he is and where he fits under the umbrella. The most we've seen in regards to his opinion is the "haha, never going to happen" comment. Like with any label, asexuality is a spectrum. He could be be aceflux or demisexual."

"People need to understand that having an ace character fuck or headcanoning them to be somewhere else on the ace spectrum is not erasure."

And yeah, that post was regarding that whole "ace erasure" discourse but I'm not going to get into that again. I'll only directly quote the main body of that post: "An asexual person can fuck. Just... in case people didn't know. They can because libido is not exclusive to sexual attraction. Just saying." (Once again, I'm not expecting you to have read that before sending the ask in).

Overall I'm sorry that you felt personally attacked over that and sorry that the way I worded the post seemed to have brought on some confusion. I know asexuality is a spectrum. I know each asexual person is different. I wish other people understood that before throwing Alastor into a neatly defined box and bashing others when they take him out of it. Once again, I'm sorry that my wording caused confusion.

(Although, I would have been happy to simply discuss this topic with you, but if cursing at me makes you feel better then I supposed you can go ahead. Not like I really mind.)

[izzy-b-hands]

"You don't mind the company?"

Roach shakes his head and resumes kneading the dough on the counter. "I'll need all the distraction I can get to keep me awake long enough to finish these."

Izzy nods and peers at the dough. "Have you told Bonnet that he could try asking at least a few fucking days in advance for things like this?"

"I have. I don't think he gets it."

Stede has never been overly rude about it, for Stede (and he's gotten better in that regard), but the short deadlines for the random new dishes that he keeps on requesting do wear thin. No matter how he's explained it to Stede though, it just hasn't stuck.

"I could make sure he gets it."

Roach chuckles. "I'm sure you could. It's not that bad this time though, just some little handheld pie things."

"And when did he ask for these?"

"About ten minutes after tonight's chapter was done."

"When you were already comfortable and laying down," Izzy scoffs. "That shouldn't be a surprise, but for fuck's sake-"

"Can I ask why you're still awake?"

He expects the usual prickliness, but Izzy just shrugs.

"Seriously?"

"I don't sleep well the nights I'm not helping out with the watch," Izzy replies.

"But those nights you don't sleep because you're on watch."

"Right."

"Izzy."

"What? Like you could say you sleep well the nights you aren't working late to prep like this."

"That," Roach pauses mid-knead. "I...fuck off."

"I can if you wish."

He looks tired. Maybe it's the rush of reconfiguring things over the last month or so (Stede returning with all of them that had been marooned, and a load of other things that had ultimately been good, but had put them all through the wringer), maybe it's just because Buttons is on watch for the night and clearly Izzy has no interest in trying to force himself to sleep and he seems more tired than be might be (but he's still fully fucking dressed for fuck's sake, not even an attempt at pajamas of any kind.)

Roach steps back from the counter. "No. I actually do like the company."

"Even if it's me?"

"Don't fucking be like that."

"Is it not a valid question?"

"Not any longer, for all of us, and you know that."

Izzy rubs the back of his neck. "Right. I need to get used to that, sorry."

"You should try to sleep though, and if you're tired-"

"I'd really rather not bother trying," Izzy interrupts. "Can I help somehow?"

"I guess you could help prep the filling?"

He sets Izzy up at another portion of counter, with knives and veg and a wooden bowl to toss it all in, and awaits some complaint.

But Izzy simply sets to and does little to interrupt again until he's out of veg to chop.

"I want to wait and get these put together and then bake them by-" Roach pauses. "What time is it?"

"About one in the morning," Izzy yawns. "Or near it, I'm guessing."

"Fuck. I could set them aside and finish them later, but later is only a few hours away now anyway, so-"

"Set them aside and sleep," Izzy interrupts. "Besides, apparently this crew can manage well despite sleeping in most days of the week. So why shouldn't they expect you'd wait until later to finish them?"

"How much later are you suggesting?"

"Wait until seven or eight to get up and finish them. Everyone can get a jumpstart on chores, then break whenever these things would be done."

"That...is sort of tempting. Never expected to hear anything like it from you though."

Izzy smiles. A very small smile, but it's there. "Believe it or not, once upon a time Ed and I were very good at finding shortcuts to get things done without breaking our backs."

"And now you break your back daily by choice."

"And Ed has Stede to do that for him nightly."

Roach chokes. "Izzy!"

"What? You've heard them! And good for them, I suppose. Ed's happy. That's what matters."

"What makes you happy?"

He doesn't wholly register that he asked it aloud until his eyes meet Izzy's.

"I..." Izzy frowns. "I liked helping you just now."

"Aside from work."

"Helping Ed, or-"

"Still technically a part of the work thing, try again."

"I know how to be useful; it makes me happy to know I'm being useful," Izzy grumbles. "What else do you want me to say?"

Roach thinks. "Do you want to sleep in here or on the deck with everyone else?"

"Sorry?"

He moves around Izzy carefully but swiftly, setting aside dough and filling and the other bits of prep he'd done before Izzy had wandered in. "What I said: since we're doing your plan of waiting to finish these, then we should be sleeping, so where do you want to sleep?"

"In here, I guess? I know what you said before, and what everyone keeps saying, but I don't know that I'm welcome out there regardless."

"Okay," Roach rinses his hands in the bowl of water he'd set aside for it, and motions for Izzy to follow suit. "Follow me."

He leads Izzy to the back pantry area, and motions to a hidden bit of spare space there. "See? Even if they wake up before us, it'll take enough time for them to find us that we should still get some decent sleep."

Izzy nods. "Could I... never mind. Thank you."

"We have extra pillows and blankets stowed here," Roach says as he yanks them from under the bottom gap of the shelves. "Here, take what you need, want. We can make a nest of them all if we so desire."

"Ed would love that."

"Izzy. Please. I know he would. But I'm not asking about Ed right now."

"Could we?"

"We absolutely can."

It's only after they've made a lovely soft nest and gotten cozy in it that he decides to ask.

"Izzy, you were going to ask me something earlier. What was it?"

"It's stupid."

"Maybe, but I still want to know."

"I... nearly asked if I could kiss you. Like I said, stupid."

"You can."

He giggles as he watches Izzy's face, waiting for it to register.

"Would you keep me company again like this on late nights? I could join you for night watch, now and again, in retur-"

He didn't expect Izzy would cradle his face so gently, but he does until the kiss ends.

"Neither of us will get much sleep then."

"As if we were getting that much before," Roach snorts. "Was that kiss a yes?"

"It was. It is. But you don't have to join me for night watches unless you want to, of course."

Roach pulls Izzy close and snuggles into him. "I want to. But for now, I want us both to sleep. Or to try and sleep, at least."

He expects some tussle, some argument, but Izzy just nods and snuggles back.

[omgkalyppso]

I've mentioned this before but here's screenshots and elaboration on a moment Étoile would have needed to isolate for peace of mind.

Étoile started their journey as a Neutral Good Oath of Devotion Paladin, at which time they said, and meant, that they wouldn't sign their soul away to a devil just for physical security in relation to the mindflayer parasite. By Act 3, their oath is broken, their alignment is in flux, and their patience with the dream visitor has worn more than thin. They felt they were being used through the parasite, as any actions they took, any thoughts they had, any motivations they pursued, had to run through the filter of an ever-present ... visitor.

Raphael offered them a way out of that, and to take the source of all their troubles off of the Material Plane. They felt zero concern at the time for how the wars in the Hells progressed, and well, I didn't have Gale or Karlach in the party so I the player didn't really have anyone immediately rejecting this proposal. To top it all off, Étoile vastly liked Lae'zel over the dream visitor.

But after Étoile signed Raphael's contract, and Astarion said:

When moments, hours before:

Étoile felt very isolated — and used, and stupid, and that's probably the biggest factor in regards to when Étoile might want to be alone to recenter: when they feel foolish or incapable of intellectually or emotionally dealing with a problem.

Contrary to the screenshot expression, I think as soon as the words "what should I care" passed Astarion's lips that he saw in Étoile's expression just how much of a wrong thing to say that was. If you talk to him immediately after this, he's back to his lovey-dovey, "Yes, my dear? What is it?" So canon expects me to blow past this which means I elaborate how I like.

Étoile was already made uncomfortable by some of the phrasing in Astarion's confession (if I'm keeping it as-is) in Act 2. They could see how centered they were becoming in Astarion's (otherwise) "independence" from Cazador and general perspectives of love and life, which would cause them to question whether Astarion recognizing that if their soul is fucked that it's none of his business - is a good thing. Meanwhile also they also felt betrayed, that they are "a team" when he needs their help, but that any problems they have are not his concern. Besides all that, after everything with Wyll and then Astarion's confession of initially setting out to use them ...

Étoile wouldn't have objected to a more boundaried agreement between them, and so to still feel used now with no guarantees or understanding between them ... and to not know whether it was something Astarion had meant to do or which was an accident of habit — because a single confession and apology is generally not enough to change one's nature / comportment / attitude they've kept for centuries— It would be hard for Étoile to rationalize a response to Astarion's assertion. They would want to be left alone to think.

It isn't the next long rest, but a few days later (after Wyll's pact is broken) that I have this blocked dialogue from Étoile to Astarion's response for how it could benefit Wyll:

Étoile: He's not ready for that. To hear it, I mean. If the Council accepts him, I'm sure Wyll would be very fit to rule. Astarion: You don't make that sound very complimentary? Étoile: I'm simply … soured. Astarion: From … from before? Darling, I— Étoile. I'm sorry. For what I said. I am … unaccustomed to offering comfort or kindness, to being needed, to even recognizing what that might look like. Étoile: It's not your fault. Will you feed on me tonight? Astarion: I was hoping you'd ask. Étoile: I've been thinking about it since earlier. I thought that, if I was disposable in other circumstances, at least I could be close to you in this. It's alright. Having choice means you get to choose how things end or evolve, and I just have apprehension about being a suboptimal choice. Astarion: I've told you that I never expected to choose you, to choose this, for myself. The risks you take? The way you care for others? You wouldn't have been my first choice. But… Now you are, and I don't only follow you because it's easy. I have no wish to discard you. I need you with me. Please, forgive me? Étoile: I forgave you even when I hadn't expected you to say all that. You need me with you? You need only ask.

This would only be the fourth time in my playthrough I had Astarion feed on Étoile and it was for this fucking roleplay reason. Astarion otherwise had to live on mouthfuls obtained in combat since that was enough to give him the Happy buff.

It was also the night Leon and Aurelia come to call. Which I think is hilarious.

Reassurance is a double sided sword.

Étoile would have let him kill his siblings, they would have trusted his judgment on that. But the number of spawn was too much for them to reconcile.

[antisolanum]

Okay, so, as someone who was not raised in a religious household. I did not for a long time truly understand something very basic about the religious literalism inherent to modern Christianity. Growing up, I only absorbed content about most religious faiths through cultural osmosis. I didn't really know what a 'muslim' was, I just knew they did... stuff. Religious stuff. At times, and in places. I could identify certain fashions and imagery with it. But I couldn't have told you much about beliefs, or practices, or stories regarding Islam. And so too with Christianity. Obviously much more exposure in the culture, but overall, when it came to beliefs, I just straight-up never learned about most of them. I knew the big guy was Jesus. I didn't learn about stories from the bible.

I say all this to point out that I was not properly made aware until much later in life exactly how literally the Christian faith took the nature of salvation, and about signs from God, and the nature of faith and moral justification. I didn't realize until very late in life that when a Christian said that they knew they were right about something they did or believed, because they had Jesus in their heart, and that God would tell them if they were wrong about something, that they literally, actually meant that. Like, not "I'm going to go consider the matter, and think about my opinion about {thing x}, and consider how my faith impacts how I feel about it, and consider the wisdom of earlier generations", they literally mean "because I know God, like I invite him over for dinner, anything I do or believe IS ALREADY RIGHT, and if I was wrong, GOD WOULD HAVE TEXTED ME ABOUT IT." And I don't really know how we're expected to continue living and working alongside people who genuinely believe that even if they were incorrect about something, factually, provably literally incorrect, they were *morally* correct and infallible simply because they know God personally. Like, it's a "don't you know who I am, my uncle is a senator" kind of religion. And I'm supposed to look at a guy who believes that, and go "hey, that's fine, that guy is fine. He was raised his whole life to believe that anything he wants is morally fine and does not need to be considered or questioned, as long as he asks god about whether or not he can do it, and DOESN'T get a no. That's cool. This is a cool guy." Like literally just the core act of the worship of Jesus Christ is in and of itself the only thing necessary to go to heaven. That you can literally murder someone, and face absolutely no spiritual obstacle because of it, as long as you tell Jesus you are very sorry about it, and say you love him or whatever, and then, spiritually, done! Done and dusted! You are in the free and clear! And these people also want to be in charge of the government. And we're supposed to not be fucking terrified of them every single day of our lives? I always just assumed from the outside looking in that there were SOME restrictions on their actions morally and spiritually, right? Like, the ten commandments were pretty solid, right? Theft, murder, there's some good stuff in there. So we're fine, oh wait, one problem, Christians don't believe they have to follow the rules of the old testament anymore! They straight up don't literally have to abide by the ten commandments, as long as they worship Jesus Christ, that's LITERALLY the only criteria. I'm fucking shocked, every day when I remember that to a VERY large number of Americans, there is literally no spiritual consequence to them murdering you someday in their worldview.

[thav]

04/26/2024-- Update

hello

I don't know where else to put these feelings, so here it goes-- I was sexually assaulted this Tuesday.

No matter which way I look at it, the facts at the end of the day are that I was coerced and manipulated to the point where it felt like if I said no (any more times than I already had), it wouldn't mean anything so I just had to suck it up and let him finish so I could be alone.

Truth be told, this isn't the first time that I've felt extremely powerless or uncomfortable during sex-- I've found myself minimizing my feelings because sometimes the idea of consent just doesn't really mean anything to people... and in theory it feels like it would be the twist of the knife if I said no (again, any more times than I already had) and that wasn't honored (which it wasn't, in this case).. so I just tried to convince myself that I was totally ok with what's happening to my body... and I wasn't.

When Maddie got home from Maya's on Tuesday, I was debriefing them. I briefly remember saying something along the lines of "I've been through worse, and I know other people have too.... and I feel fine... so it's okay, but I do feel like a lot of my boundaries were crossed"

That night, I was visibly and evidently shaken. But, I left Maddie's room, made myself something to eat, watched Girls, and went to sleep at 3 AM.

I went to work the next day. I was doing fine.

Through all of this, it made me reminisce on my childhood and how I've always felt like I had to maintain a strong disposition for the sake of others-- specifically my family and loved ones.

I vividly remember the week-long mourning/memorial that we had for my brother when he died. I remember the masses of people coming in and out of our family's home to pay their respects to him and my parents, all while walking right past me. I was laying in the living room where the monks had found shelter for a bit, listening to music on my BlackBerry, while staring at the ceiling-- my frozen frame laid frivolously upon a rug we've carried over from our old house. My sister came up to me and asked me, "Are you okay?"

I said yes.

I go through phases of feeling like when I say something out loud in regards to how I feel, I have to stay ten toes down and stay in that feeling (within a positive and a negative connotation), because I've just always been like this. I think you can only lie to yourself for so long though. I think Tuesday was my breaking point.

Through the support of my sincerely loved ones, who have shared similar experiences and stories with me in the past, I do know that I'll eventually be ok. In the meantime, I'm going to take my time to learn and unlearn a multitude of things.

To learn:

this experience doesn't define me

I was not and never will be to blame

those who should really matter will show up for you when you need them the most

you are worthy of love

offer yourself more empathy in times of distress and feelings of alienation

To unlearn:

you don't always have to be ok

people's perception of you are your responsibility

you have to minimize how you feel for the sake of literally anyone

A letter to myself, later on-- because I know I'll need it:

Hi bb. I know you are hurting. I'm so, so incredibly sorry this happened to you. This really fucking sucks. I love you.

I just want you to know that even though this experience has shown you very vividly that people are not always what or who they seem, please don't lose your trust in people, or the kindness and/or warmth of your heart. I never want you to lose that. I think you are inherently as cautious as you can be when it comes to anything, which isn't a bad thing. It's actually a really, really good thing. But what this situation makes me realize is that you can be fucking cautious as hell. You can meticulously plan out certain events, and how you think you would react. You can literally be the nicest fucking person and expect that from other people, simply because it feels intuitive to you.

You can do literally *fucking* anything, and people can and will still take advantage of you, if they really, really want to. There's nothing you can do to prepare for betrayal.

I think it's so important to remember that in any situation, the next steps you take forward are the ones that matter the fucking most. I know you continued to trudge on with your life when this happened, and still showed up to work with a smile on your face, and still hugged your mom and told her you loved her, and were still filled with joy when you saw the faces of your niece and nephew-- you were still trying literally moments after something really traumatic happened to you-- and I think that's what I admire about you. You are a really strong person, and that's a trait you've continued to develop since you were a kid.

I just want you to know, that you don't always have to be strong, though. You don't have to rush processing your feelings. Don't rush this. It will probably take you a really long time to be ok. And that's ok. I'm in this moment right now, and I'm ok with it. I think you should be too. I will continue to try to set you up for success always. I'm going to work through this right now.

(I am about to play Smash with Maddie)

It'll all be ok. I love you so much. I'll be here if you need me!! Just let me know when.

Love,

Thav

[thelemmallama]

Sorry for the lack of clarity. For the first point, I meant that I think that it is acceptable for someone who has sexual fantasies about children to lie and say that they don't. I think that this is acceptable because they could reasonably expect harm to come to them if other people knew that about them. In the diagram it seems to say that it is wrong to lie because it restricts peoples ability to act, and I think it is reasonable to restrict other peoples ability to act in a way which would harm you without good reason. (For now I'll just suppose it is not reasonable to harm someone for sexually fantasizing about children, since I don't think any of the ones I have seen are convincing).

I didn't catch that the person asking you was supposed to be a child in this scenario. I agree that it would be sexual harassment to go up to someone and say that you fantasize sexually about someone unprompted, but it would be fine to say so if they asked. I don't entirely buy that is sexual assault to mention in someones presence that you are especially attracted to people that share some trait with them.

I think the reason it is assault to come up to someone and say "Hey, I think about fucking you" is because it in some way constitutes a threat of rape or coercion. It does more than merely communicate the fact that you have had sexual fantasies about them, in the way them catching you jerking off to pictures of them might. I don't think that people have a right not to know that other people think about them naked or whatever. Maybe if we destroyed le patriarchy or instituted free love the act of letting people know that you do think about them naked unprompted would be morally neutral and not carry the threat of rape, maybe not. I am talking out of my ass here, but it's the way I think about I think about it anyway.

Well, in regards to children, I think your argument is (1. It is only acceptable to tell someone you fantasize about them or a group they belong to sexually if they consent to it, (2. Children cannot consent, (3. Therefore, it is never acceptable to tell a child that you sexually fantasize about them or a group they belong to. So, I think (1 is a little unconvincing, because I don't think the unacceptable thing is not having something unconsensually communicated to you per se, but a social gesture or relation implicit in that communication which can constitute a threat of violence or coercion. I don't think communicating that you sexually fantasize about a group of people to someone in that group contains the same implication, at least not necessarily. I apologize if my vocabulary seems vague or pretentious, but it's the best way I can find to express my thoughts. As for (2., I find it hard to agree to in the way I wrote it. Children of course can consent to some things, if not sex. I'll give some ideas I find more plausible, even if I am not entirely convinced of all of them. I'm not trying to say that you agree with the ideas, just that they might support your conclusions, if I am interpreting them correctly.

It is wrong and possibly harmful to discuss sex with younger children, and/or to teach them about sex. I'll define younger children as under 12 or so, others might define it otherwise. The reason I say younger is because I feel it is helpful and appropriate to teach children around the time of reaching puberty about sexuality, and I think most people including you would agree. Someone might think it is wrong to discuss sex with younger children because it causes developmental issues or some type of harm.

If someone disagrees that children are harmed simply by knowing about sexuality too young, I think they could make this argument. (1. Children cannot consent to sexual activities. (2. Answering in the affirmative to someone asking you if they find them attractive, or answering in the affirmative to someone asking if you find a group they belong to attractive, can be a way of beginning a sexual relationship with them. Imagine somebody comes up to me and asks me if I think they're hot, or if an asian persons asks me if I like asians. It would not be unreasonable if you thought that they were proposing sex or some sort of sexual relationship, and by answering in the affirmative to that question, I am agreeing to that proposition. You might say the same thing if someone had the same interaction with a child. I think a significant flaw in this argument is that, in the former examples, I could answer "Yes, but I'm married and don't want to cheat" or "I'm attracted to asian people, but not men". So answering in the affirmative to that sort of a question would not necessarily constitute an agreement to a sexual relationship. I think the question of whether you find someone attractive and whether you sexually fantasize about them function similarly in this regard, although they have different literal meanings.

Discussing sexual fantasies with someone can also constitute a sexual activity in itself. This can even be the case if neither party is attracted to the other, which is pretty common with straight guys on the internet. It isn't necessarily a sexual activity though, it's pretty different from two guys sending porn to each other for a guy to talk to his therapist about his sexual fantasies. Maybe the distinction is whether either one or both parties is getting pleasure from it, but I'd have to think about it more.

I'm getting pretty tired, so I'll send another ask tomorrow maybe where I'll try to give an idea of what I actually find acceptable or unacceptable to talk about with children, clarify what i've said, and respond to the rest of your reply. Apologies if there are mistakes or parts of it make no sense, like I said, I'm tired.

Now worries, take your time! (I don't always have a response promptly either ^^;)(And I'm always happy to just ask clarifications if I don't understand something)

I see! I believe that situation can also be explained by the 'necessary evil' framework. In an situation where you're forced to either tell the truth (risking harm to yourself) or lie (restricting others' agency), the true evil in that situation would be the person intending to harm you for telling the truth (assuming the truth is something that one shouldn't hurt others over). However the lie is still categorized as a 'necessary evil' (it's not something you want to do all else being equal).

For the record, I believe it's unreasonable to categorically harm people for fantasizing sexually about children (or any other thing I consider wrong) because they "deserve it". Especially given the current social climate where people are simultaneously told to "seek help" (implying desire-for-children can be cured altogether) and also that they're a paraphile (implying desire-for-children is an unchangeable part of who they are).

But I do believe it's reasonable to apply some degree of force (even if only social stigma) to deter wrongs (of which "fantasizing sexually about children" I consider one). But that has to come with a rejection of paraphilia theory; it CANNOT happen in a society that believes fantasizing sexually about children is something some people can't help but be drawn towards doing. It's 100% reasonable for people to reject being condemned for not doing the (ostensibly) impossible.

2. The person asking wasn't intended to be anyone in particular; it could be a minor, or an adult. (Again, I also consider it harmful to answer in the positive when being asked by an adult in a space containing children or non-consenting parties)

2(a) I'm personally not convinced by the 'threat of rape or coersion' argument ^^; Many people would still feel violated if they stumbled across someone jerking off to pictures of them, and wrt patriarchy, I believe straight men also feel violated sometimes when other men or women they find unattractive communicate a sexual interest in them.

2(b) You're basically correct about my argument :] And your 3rd possibility ("discussing sexual fantasies with someone can also constitute a sexual activity in itself") is closest to how I see things. Admittedly, I haven't hashed things out thoroughly myself, but here's a rough attempt:

The subject of sexual focus has to do with one of the parties involved

In general, some degree of 'personal-ness'?

Neither party need to feel sexual pleasure (or even arousal) from the discussion

sexual activity: - straight guys joking about their male friend being hot

not sexual activity: - guys sharing porn (unless the porn is focused on one of the guys or a party they identify with (e.g. a guy of their race/"type"/etc)) - talking about sexual fantasies with a therapist (unless sexual fantasy involve the therapist themself) - sex ed (it's an impersonal "here's how sex works" kind of deal; no-one listening in would feel a sense of "this is about me" when they don't want it to be - i.e. "if i don't want to have sex, it's not about me")

But really it has to do with empirical data about people's experiences; the fact is minors have reported feeling violated by people disclosing an attraction to minors, and I doubt it's all because of stigma. For instance, having your choice of outfit closely scrutinized as a kid feels violating because you feel the adult's eyes on your body, and this happens even when there's no stigma involved in policing minors' choice of clothing (because the adult's attention on your body is understood as not-a-sign-of-sexual-desire).

Dismissing minors' self-reports of their experiences with/feelings about disclosure-of-fantasy as stigma is the same logic pederasty apologists use to say minors are only traumatized by "contact" because of stigma.

(re: whether you find someone attractive vs whether you sexually fantasize about them) I suppose everything I said here about "fantasize about children" here can be generalized to "finding children attractive, and not diverting your focus elsewhere or working through it for the sake of eliminating your attractions (which I claim are possible)(and I don't count "arousal with a negative emotional valence attached" as "attraction")"