#there's only one bed unfortunately
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@nixaluminos' Lammergeier, the counterespionage bearded vulture! I saw her and something had to be done. Anyway Nixaluminos' original posts are here and here and you should go check them out because they're incalculably cool. not only do they have more info but ALSO nixaluminos' art does her proper justice.
#what are you still here for click the dang links and check the woman out#Okay so some replikas are cute but lammergeier is hot as tartaros#she's hot and she's hot and she's hot and she's hot and she's hot and she's hot and she's hot and she's hot and she's hot and she's hot and#lammergeier if you WANT you can come over to my place#there's only one bed unfortunately#crushing on a fictional character? I'd never#lammergeier#lammergeier signalis#signalis oc#signalis fanart#my art
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(ID in alt) I literally said I was gonna post this month's ago and then never had the wherewithal to describe it and so I didn't Lmao (said with pain). But since I'm thinking of opening my commissions I figured I should remind ppl that I. Yknow. Can draw.
Lots of Steph here (I had major art block making all of these and my brain worms for her kept me going) + some sprinkles of stephcass for Cass nation to enjoy!
#dc comics#dc#stephanie brown#cassandra cain#jason todd#(yes for the teddy bear. it counts)#batgirl#batgirls#mine#< keep forgetting to tag my art as that I'm terrible 😭#ANYHOW I'm slowly getting back into drawing again after my last ipad got nuked (cant think abt that or ill cry) and i finished uni#oh yeah j finished my first year of uni btw. i went to an Olivia Rodrigo concert like a week or 2 ago. I've been busy lol#but yeah it's looking like I've got a fun summer of bottom feeding ahead of me now that I've officially been told i got passed over for that#-comic job i applied for. lol. lmao even#it's fine honestly it was a pretty daunting prospect i just have to find a way to fill the time by myself now#I've plenty of comics to read so that's nice. got wayyy into mark waids DD run recently (mostly for Chris Samnee's art)#so that's been fun! i have my empowered omnibus (embarrassing and kept under my bed <3) i have TT year 1 i have huntress and WW#uhhh i got flash 1 minute war. lots of good stuff!#so hopefully i don't go. completely feral from lack of stimulation#also hopefully commissions will be a thing i can do#godddd there's many mkre things i want to draw. i got too enamoured w my own bad theory and now I've drawn tim!bats#but unfortunately now i only want to draw tim!bats being laughed at my the batfamily bc seriously tim?? really??#< it's literally probably not going to happen but I've invested myself in this terrible future for some reason#imagine damian trying to robin for tim!bats for 1 (one) night and the next morning he doesn't say anything he just moves to bludhaven#he can't take this shit#oh so many ideas...#ANYWAY. ues. finally art. now if you like it. consider commissioning me (in 2 to 3 business weeks <3)#(no pressure)
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The burial mounds, a place of mystery, the place of the dead, cannot be comprehended by humans. It is a place warped by time and resentful energy and the intentions of those who inhabit it and who knows what else. It is sentient and has a strong will of its own. It’s said that no one can leave the Burial Mounds, and that is true as much as it’s not. The burial mounds keeps what is theirs; protects what is theirs. No one can escape from the Burial Mounds bc more often than not, once you enter, the Burial Mounds see you as theirs. It does not take well to people hurting and taking what is theirs. (And, maybe this is why a certain demonic cultivator was able to survive and leave that place. Maybe he understood this will and resentment bc he too would do anything to protect those he loves. For him as well, once he considers someone family, they are family. And nothing will change that. No matter what happens, his family is his family, and those under his protection are fully under his protection. They can see a kindred spirit in each other, and so the Burial Mounds let him go, knowing that he will always carry part of the Burial Mounds with him. The souls in his sleeves and the resentful energy he welcomes into his body. The boon that the Burial Mounds grants him.)
It is for these reasons that WWX knows to bring the Wen remnants there. Not only does he know he can defend them if needed in that place teeming with resentment, he knows the Burial Mounds themselves will protect them. It protects its own, and the Burial Mounds knows these people that WWX brought are his, so they are its. It’s as simple as that. And, the Burial Mounds likes it. It likes having these people here, milling about and carving a life on it. It likes how they turns its soil from barren to fruitful. It likes how they are happy and content. It likes being their home and haven. It will do anything to protect them.
When the first siege comes, the Burial Mounds try to protect what is theirs. These people who have made a home on it. But, they are all grieving deeply, and it’s beautiful child, the first to even understand them and want to make peace with them instead of destroying them, is breaking apart. He is breaking apart with the weight of someone who could not protect that which is most precious to him. And he has been breaking with this weight for months now, every day chipping another piece of himself away, every day pulling further and further into himself, every day driving him just a little more insane. The Burial Mounds have no problem with madness. They will still embrace him fully and without question, but it pains them to see him like this. They are all breaking under the pressure of what the world outside its borders do. This is no longer their haven, but now their place of imminent doom. It is only a matter of time until the cultivators attack. The Burial Mounds fights back as it always does to protect those that are its. But, some of these living cultivators attacking are family of WWX and it cannot attack family. And, it knows that even should he wipe all these harmful intruders out, that will not stop more from coming, and more after that. The Burial Mounds would fight every wave they send, but that is not the issue. The issue is that its people are grieving and breaking. The issue is that it cannot do anything to fix that and every attack will break their spirits just that much more.
So instead, the Burial Mounds decide to change it. As the cultivators pour in, the Burial Mounds pulls its energy from defending and into charging its intention. Some of its people get cut down, but that is fine, it will still work, they do not have to be alive. Just as WWX is about to destroy the Stygian Tiger Amulet (oh, and look at their brave boy, but don’t do that, my child, it will tear you apart) a large pulse of resentful energy ripples out over the battlefield, shaking the ground and seeping into all that is theirs. The air and ground starts to ripple, unstable and warping like swirls of marble, until none can stay standing in this odd happening, toppling over, nauseous from the swirling. Those that are theirs are sucked into the soil, deep into its power, and it embraces them into its depths.
Then—
They open their eyes.
WWX is seven, on the streets of Yiling, and turns his head to the Burial Mounds so close by, calling to him. Come home, my child, it whispers. Come to me; I will protect you.
Wen Ning is eight and Wen Qing 14. They also look in the direction of Yiling—of the Burial Mounds. They too hear the call. There are gasps rippling around their home, and people bursting through doors, embracing each other, crying in joy. Eyes flick around at everyone. They know. All those that were on the Burial Mounds, as well as Wen Qing and Wen Ning remember. They know what Wen Ruohan is planning. They also know what will happen to their real family.
They go to Yiling. Just a few at first. They lost many people in their branch before they were saved by WWX, and those people are more than hesitant to go to that cursed place. Those that remember can’t simply leave them to their fates again. So, some go, while some stay. They will convince the rest later. When they arrive at the base of the Burial Mounds, there is already a large collapse in the wall surrounding it looking to be made recently. The paths open up for them as they start their ascent. The path is just as they remember, the corpses and spirits howling, but leaving them be. They know they are already part of them. Granny Wen and Wen Qing are at the front of the group, leading the way. Wen Qing wishes her brother was there, but that was not something their parents would budge on. They barely let her go, and only because Granny was insisting as well and promised to look after her.
They reach the clearing where their homes were, and there they are. Their little shacks that barely stay standing. The patches of land they’d tilled and toiled over. And there, perched on a tree stump by the side of the road is a boy, even smaller than A-Ning, covered in dirt and grime that can’t all be from the Burial Mounds, spinning a black, bamboo dizi in his tiny hands. He watches them with shining eyes and a large smile they’d know anywhere breaks out on his face, then—
He laughs. The boy laughs loud and clear and bright as he topples off the stump in his joy. Many of them join in the laughter as well. Amazed and in disbelief. Wen Qing, granny, and a few others rush over to the little Wei Wuxian and pull him into a crushing embrace. The laughter soon turns to wracking sobs as they all cling to each other and let it all sink in.
They are alive. They are together.
And, they will make sure it stays that way.
The Burial Mounds hum around them, welcoming them home.
#now they just need to convince the rest of the dafan wen to move into the burial mounds#and stop a war#but that's secondary to keeping their family safe and together#the burial mounds picked up on lwj and wwx's conection#so it brought him back too#one minuet he's lying in bed his back burning from the discipline whip#the next he's eight years old sitting in class at the cloud recesses perfectly fine and uninjured#it is only his YEARS of beaten in composure and naturally stoic face that keep him from whipping his head around and freaking out outwardly#he just *knows* this has to do w/ wei ying especially since he can hear the call as well#bc of this he's not totally freaking out but still#he goes to the burial mounds as soon as he can and all the wen are either confused like wwx about why he was included in this#or laughing their asses off that even the *burial mounds* have picked up on their strong feelings and connection#(don't worry lwj was the only non-wen to be brought back bc even if wwx considers jc his brother the burial mounds isn't going to bring bac#someone who tried to kill the rest of them and lwj is the only person that didn't live there who didn't have any animosity for them)#(unfortunately bc jyl never went up the mountain and stayed in yiling the burial mounds can't form a connection w/ her to bring her back)#mdzs#mo dao zu shi#the grandmaster of demonic cultivation#wei wuxian#wen qing#the burial mounds#sentient burial mounds#time travel au#time travel fix it#mdzs fanfic prompt#mdzs fanfiction prompt#do with this what you will
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ive made myself more wet and pathetic
#new icon because im SUFFERING. im in HELL#its so bad. i had to sign out of discord so now im both lonely and stressed#because i KNOW im still gonna get dstracted. i just did making this URGH#how good are brains at working around things. i once set a 7AM alarm on my phone with snooze cause i was so sure my brain would#be too lazy and keep snoozing instead of actually turning it off. but nay it either kept sleeping through the alarms and snoozing#or actually managed to turn off the alarm half awake that i barely remembered it and then waking up late#i actually have a track record of climbing out of bed and turning my alarm off without remembering. which is impressive bc i have a loftbed#the other thing is setting fake deadlines so make myself panic into doing things ahead of time. but unfortunately that doesnt work either#because if theres one thing my brain will put all its energy into remembering its self assurance. meaning i WILL be able to remember#the real deadline even if i try to trick myself. cant ask someone to give me a fake deadline either#the only things keeping me going rn is that i have deadlines due at least 1 day between each other and excitement being able to talk with#crow after break. but you can see how well thats going <- ignores long term rewards in favor of short term pleasure#BTW CROW IF YOURE READING THIS IM SO SORRY TURNING OFF MY DISCORD WITH BARELY ANY EXPLANATION#im a huge fucking dumbass and i had barely enough impulse control not to block everyone in my dms because i realized that would send a real#really bad msg. youre not distracting me im distracting myself and i promise youre not annoying me i just really like talking to you and#thats why im just barely stopping myself from signing in. I WANT TO TALK TO U LOTS BUT AT THE SAME TIME IM KICKING MYSELF FOR DOING IT#you can be a little mad at me btw cause i definitely could have done that better but i was all over the place abt how to do it without#making u think im ignoring you. IF THAT MAKES SENSE. SORRY#yapping#doodles#puppysona#edit but last week i tried to schedule and give myself work periods and break periods using my class schedule#and reminders on my phone to tell me when to start and stop. can you guess what happened
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O'Knutzy Week Day 5
Yooo, we've made it to the end!! (Of creating at least, still two more days left but I didn't have time to make anything. Also still written in advance to the actual week.)
Anyway, I figured for the last day I would share the songs on my O'Knutzy playlist I listened to while writing my stories (+ the characters they remind me of and why they did)
Credit of this beautiful thing we call Logan Tremblay, Finn O'Hara, and Leo Knut to @lumosinlove , and thanks to @oknutzy-week-2024 for also just being amazing.
Anyway songs under cut :)
shhh its a shit ton of Hozier
Line Without a Hook, Rick Montgomery - Ok look at me and tell me this isn't Harvard Era Finnlo. "You can hold my hand if no ones there" LOGAN! "All my emotions feel like explosions when you're around" FINN! Nuff' said.
Wish You Were Sober, Conan Gray - I only need one word to explain this one. Harvard. Next!
Sun, Two Door Cinema Club - Mainly reminds me of Finn, especially when he's in Gryfindor and Logan's still at Harvard. But also like listen to it, literally the entire song is just them.
Young In America, Barnes Courtney - Just gives me that Harvard vibe yk, Finn and Logan being best friends and then being drawn apart, it just fits them Imo. ALSO THAT LAST FUCKING VERSE IS SO UGH FINNLO (Also happens to be my favorite song rn so that may be part of it but like it's still them)
Running In Circles, Dead Poet Society - LOGAN. Specifically Logan his last year of college without Finn and him being in pain. Him having to hide it as well, and pretending he's not completely fucking devastated without Finn. Just the angst.
Atlantis, Seafret - Makes me think of Logan being scared and constantly telling Finn they can't and pretty much everything after the night Finn leaves Harvard. The feeling of helpless and inevitable heartbreak is very in line with that period of time.
Mind Over Matter, Young The Giant - Very Logan coded. Kinda how I imagined him with Leo and Finn before they got together. Also, "Cause' I'm a young man built to fall" is just something I think Logan would have told himself on why he couldn't tell Finn or Leo.
To Someone From A Warm Climate, Hozier - Also very Logan coded, I imagine him just quietly singing this into Leo's ear in the dark of a winter night, which are cold in Gryfindor which Leo is NOT used to.
Francesca, Hozier - Ahem, "the entire fucking song". Finn. This song = Finn. More exactly reflecting back on all of the hurt he and Logan went through together and knowing he would do it again. And again. And again. Especially when he's a Lion and O'Knutzy isn't a thing yet.
Home, Good Neighbours - Leo's homesickness, Logan missing Gryfindor in NY, Finn wanting to go back to Logan at Harvard. All of it. Though it did mainly make me think of Leo going home for a little bit after the Rangers knocked the Lions out of the playoffs in Vaincre.
TIMEZONE, Maneskin - Let me take you back to a lovely place called Logan fully ditching all-stars to see Leo and Finn in Vaincre. If this isn't the most Logan song I've ever heard, I don't even know. Also could be Logan in NY, or even Finn in Gryf while Logan's at Harvard.
Heaven Must Have Sent You, The Elgins - Leo. Just the way Leo tends to think about Finn and Logan, and he's definitely played this while dinner was cooking and the three of them danced in the kitchen.
Can't Take My Eye's Off You, Frankie Valli - Leo sings this at karaoke night constantly and you cannot tell me otherwise. Anyway, self explanatory, moving on.
Angel of Small Death and the Codeine Scene, Hozier - Finn and the way he thinks of Leo and Logan. I think that's enough.
From Eden, Hozier - Yk, I don't actually have a clear explination for this one, it just gives me those O'Knutzy vibes.
Somewhere Only We Know, Keane - Reminds me of Harvard and the Roof, but also just a very O'Knutzy and FinLo song that makes me want to reread Coast to Coast.
Ditmas, Mumford and Sons - FinLo falling apart after Finn graduates. The angst is very appropriate and obviously it doesn't last but this is how I imagine it was back then.
i wanna be your girlfriend, girl in red - Very self explanatory, we don't need to dwell on it.
Figure You Out, VOILA - Hey remember when Logan freaked out when he though Finn got a girlfriend? This, it's this. Every time one little romantic interest and Logan just turns into the embodiment of this song.
Mercy, Shawn Mendes - Ok yes Ik it's basic but this is totally how Finn felt when him and Logan were doing their little dance around each other and it was absolutely Killing Finn.
Thinking Out Loud, Ed Sheeran - OK I GET IT ALSO BASIC but it does genuinely make me think of an older O'Knutzy, one that will love each other for a very long time and will love each other no matter what happens and how they change.
High, Stephen Sanchez - Sorry this song is so Finn being fucking horny over Logan in college and thinking about all the things he would do to him given the chance.
Beautiful Things, Benson Boone - SHUT UP I KNOW BASIC, but anyway this is Logan thinking over the last few years and how things have gotten so much better but also being so so so scared he could lose it all in a moment. His beautiful things are Finn and Leo.
Supernatural, Barnes Courtney - Finn constantly at Harvard. Logan and him are dancing around each other and Logan keeps fucking touching him and being so close and it drives him insane. And just a very Harvard Era song.
Like Real People Do, Hozier - Not Finn saying "can we for once not kiss while we're both crying" and that's literally just this song in different words, ok?
If She's Anything Like Me, MALINDA - Logan with every single girl Finn talks about or even looks at. Finn is genuinely the most perfect and lovable person in his eyes, so why wouldn't everyone else love him, too? And just because he doesn't have the guts to say it, that doesn't mean they won't.
Heat Waves, Glass Animals - Ok ok ok ok ok hear me out..... Actually I don't have much to defend this so Ig it's just all of them staying up late at night just thinking about each other.
Home, Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros - A very FinLo coded song, especially with the "Jade...Alexander....I was falling deep deep deeply in love with you," part because tell me that didn't happen. Also Leo works in here too because home is with his boys and their home will always be with him, too.
When He Sees Me, Kimiko Glenn & co - Definitely what Leo came into his Rookie season thinking. Especially once he met Finn and Logan knowing he'd be head over heels if he wasn't careful. Just very Leo as well because ofc he's fucking defensive of his heart right after Jack bitchass Archer.
She, Foxy Venus - Guess, take a wild guess. Did you guess Harvard Era Finlo because yeah, that's it. More specifically I think Finn and trying to get Logan out of his mind and move on and that not working whatsoever.
Can't Help Falling in Love, Elvis Presley - This took me an embarrassingly long time to add but yeah Very much Leo with his boys and then Logan and Finn with Leo.
Can't Pretend, Tom Odell - Also took me an embarrassingly long time to add considering it HAS THE SAME TITLE AS ONE OF MY FUCKING WORKS but we don't need to dwell on it. Anyway, FinLo again, especially canonically when they have their little talks about loving each other and not admitting it.
This playlist will probably grow but y'all ain't getting my Spotify so it's just a list rn, might add onto it, idk. Anyway, hope this was suitable for a final O'Knutzy week post and figured it be fun to show you what I was listening to while writing all this. Genuinely I had To Someone From A Warm Climate on repeat while writing the first half of With a Straight Face because if y'all we're confused about the vibe, it's that (especially the beginning). Also Supernatural was on repeat for the first part of When We Can't Pretend (Oh and High was on repeat during the Kiss in the second half, lol).
Ok peace I genuinely can't wait to see everything when I get back in August!
#finn o'hara#logan tremblay#leo knut#o'knutzy#sweater weather lumosinlove#breakaway lumosinlove#vaincre lumosinlove#coast to coast lumosinlove#I'm so tired I can't tag rn#If yall made it this far congrats sorry for my weird music tase#I would have had more barns courtney if more fit with o'knutzy but unfortunately it does not#I should have gone to sleep two hours ago but alas#here I am#I'll probably just put to someone from a warm climate on repeat until I fall asleep#I'm actually so mad that I remembered can't pretend by Tom Odell only after i'd finished my fic with the exact same title#like that could have been perfect#anyway this was actually made the day before the actual week so I'm not as early in scheduling this one#hope it was a good week#Ill be back in August to see the beautiful trainwreck#o'knutzy week 2024#was#oh shit#forgot to tag#lumosinlove#told you Im tired#I'm going to bed now
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should be socially acceptable if someone doesnt get themselves a desk lamp to make them sit in the dark what the fuck man
#gotta sit here under the fucking big light#because NO ONE bought a desk lamp#so whenever any of roommates wants to sit at their desk and do something they TURN ON ALL THE LIGHTS????????/#the erasmus living with me rn turns on literally all the lights for everything#she turns on the lights to sit and scroll tiktok for an hour#im so so tired please use a fucking desk lamp#USE WHATEVER#i literally dont want to disturb anyone so i use my phones flashlight religiously#whenever i cant use my lamp and need some light#unfortunately im the only one who gives a shit about not blasting one million lumens of light into everyone elses eyes#not helping that we sleep on bunk beds right under the fucking LAMP#i need to be carried to the ER
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If I was Ciara I would have said, “Since you’re so concerned about coffins, why don’t you tell me how comfy it is since you just put your own nail in yours? I’m a faithful bitches.” ✌🏽
#the traitors#the traitors us#Ciara was always swinging and never faltered#she didn’t deserve that truly#okay now I’m going to bed lol#Tom is also a dumbass but he’s the only thing keeping this entertaining atp unfortunately#also i hate the fact that she had a shield I wish they would switch it just once and then that would mean she was safe and the second#highest would be voted out instead however no one else voted for anyone else#can you tell I watch the challenge? becuase that’s exactly what would have happened lol#I didn’t watch the last two or maybe three seasons of the challenge tho
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#rant cw#mental health cw#negativity cw#I literally just need to scream somewhere so please feel free to ignore this - I'll be fine#I'm so tired of working my ass off so my family don't get angry at me while I'm staying with them (I'm still sofa surfing unfortunately)#All while I'm dealing with all my mental illnesses RAW because I'm still waiting on a therapist#only to have family members act like I'M the lazy one or imply I only do half jobs#got back home 20 minutes before they arrived back and I'd already:#moved the sofa beds - put the bedsheets away - moved their chairs back to their desks - made some tea and my sisters hot water bottle#got my nephews drink and his tablet - empty my sister's ashtray - I HADN'T EVEN EATEN ANYTHING YET AND IT WAS LIKE 4PM#and what I get is my sister using the phrase 'don't pull a mags' when my mum only half-did a job after dinner#keep in mind this is the same woman (my sister) who refuses to do washing up 'because of her nails'#but at the same time god forbid I freak out WHILE STILL DOING THE JOBS I'M ASKED TO because of sensory issues - then I'm overreacting#GOD FORBID I STRUGGLE AND STILL DO THE THING#I'm so fucking tired of never being good enough for people for FUCK SAKE I'M TRYING AND I'M BURNING MYSELF OUT DOING SO#I need to get out of this fucking situation this year I s2g#I'm so fucking tired -#I know it was a small comment from her this time but it felt like a punch to the chest because I'm TRYING SO HARD#maybe I'm being stupid and overreacting but feelings are stupid sometimes ig- idk man#ooc || the birb speaks
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I'm bored and can't sleep because of cramps so I decided to mess around with an incorrect quotes generator using the latest OCs @katkastrofa and I created that I unfortunately cannot talk about in detail here because I'd get nerfed in an instant:
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#idk how in character most of these are since we don't have too good a grasp on their personalities yet#they've literally existed for a day#but I tried my best and think most of them are rather fitting#the last one is easily my favourite lmao#you know. considering what this blog used to be five years ago...#does this count as going back to my roots?#(say it with me now. silt and murk giving birth to something beautiful)#(that being my friendship with kat <3)#'but nia you and kat already have 29 OCs of your own creation. 31 if you count the adopted ones and 34 if you count Midori's unnamed kids!'#'maybe you should slow your roll a little?? you're on track to having created 20 OCs this year alone and it's not even September!'#'most of them are never even gonna feature in a fic or anything but the convos you and kat have! why bother?'#because I'm mentally ill and my life is falling apart and the only thing that helps me function is what kat and I have#the multiverse of madness included#also I have chronic 'I'm gonna spin these little guys in my head for hours >:)' disease#and there's no cure#hope this helps :)#lmao idk what to talk about in these tags since idk how much I'm allowed to say#both because of the ban and because I'm not 18 yet#idk how much difference a month actually makes but eh. those rules aren't up to me unfortunately#it's 5 a.m I should go to bed#I need to get my sleep schedule at least semi normal before Monday#:(
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I've been trying to get this fucking degree for 7 years, suffering basically nonstop, taking part in all my classes, even taking extra ones, I think at this point I more than deserve them just giving me my bachelor's. I've done ENOUGH.
#lily talks#it has been a day#Have what might be my last exam ever on Friday and ahahahhah#I only got one attempt to pass it or I'll have to do an oral one and I would much rather die than do that#And I've put myself through almost 2 weeks of suffering from being unable to do basically anything other than lie in bed and stare at the#ceiling bc I am so stressed but enemy number 1 aka my brain refuses to let me sit down to properly study but at the same time i'm not#Allowed to do anything else because I'm not studying like I should be and I just am miserable#Anyway I've been a mess this entire time and NOW 2 fucking days before the exam the professor announces there will be another date in late#To take it instead#COULD YOU HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT THIS ANY EARLIER??????????#I am so tempted to switch the date because I barely studied and I feel like shit but i already suffered so much for this and then I would#Just have to do it all again#But I really can't afford to mess it up either bc I don't think I would recover from that. Genuinely.#I am so unbelievably done with all of this. The degree. uni. Constant stupid pressure from everyone about when I will finally be done.#Not even daring to think about the financial aspect because I would just cry#I feel so dumb for having a meltdown before any test situation I ever found myself in because you would expect that AT SOEM POINT my brain#That at some point I would learn to deal with it and cope somehow#Unfortunately I'm starting to doubt that this is going to happen in this lifetime
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its so bad out here folks i havent had a proper fixation that lasted this long in YEARS and now im just spinning every single fucking important dgs character around in my mind at rapidly increasing speeds. help me. im losing my grip on my sanity
#i went to bed at 3 am and only got like 6 hours of sleep i cant stop fucking. THINKING#i had a brief fixation on succession when it was still airing and another one on nirvanai too but. i think my last major one was around#rloop or 13s. maybe both at once it's been ages.#cant stop rotating ryuunosuke and [SPOILER CHARACTER] and barok in my head. ghjhsgdkhsd#junpei.txt#unfortunately i think this one is here to stay bc i started the first game in the end of march and its been like a month from start to fini#h#and so. the fact that it has not only remained strong but gotten WORSE is not a good sign
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I haven't talked to any of my irls since friday and they're all worriedly texting me but like what the fuck am i supposed to say. "sorry i am literally unable to talk to anyone who doesn't know just how deeply mentally ill i am and also i thought so hard about fictional gay people i forgot how to speak hungarian. dont worry this wont last long, probably only 2-3 business years and then i'll be normal except of course season 3 will be coming out by then so it's all gonna start over. see you!"
#I've barely moved from my bed since then let alone made any social contact how the fuck am i supposed to#communicate with anyone i met offline in the past year😭😭😭#i can literally only talk to my tumblr mutuals coz im genuinely too mentally ill to make myself palatable to normal ppl rn#that is a compliment @ my tumblr mutuals dw. but like mannnn i legit feel bad for my irls but at#the same time wtf am i supposed to do be normal? no can do unfortunately i live like this now#it was easier during rm coz the only ppl i talked to were 2 online friends and 2 irls one of#whom watched the movie with me in cinemas like 20 times we were both crazy#now I'm talking to like 40 ppl at the same time and im supposed to keep that up while not#being able to think about anything other than my hyperfix for more than 5 seconds? please 💀💀💀💀#i miss them but it's summer rn i need to dissociate and be alone and also eat my computer screen. yknow how it is#barking
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In my lawyer au it's 100% canon that Astarion ends up becoming the SVU ADA who always butts heads with Olivia because he cares more about punishing criminals than helping victims and goes through a really satisfying character arc before getting written out in the last two minutes of like season 33 by announcing he's gonna go live out his never-before-mentioned dream of opening a whale sanctuary in Fiji or something. Alternatively, he gets tapped as a federal prosecutor despite his lack of qualifications (Gale's connected I guess) and comes back to guest star sometimes. Also, he definitely gets kidnapped at least once.
#is this a joke??? who knoooooows?#(it's a joke)#before anyone worries that fic is going to become an svu crossover or whatever#I'm stuck in bed with a migraine and can only open one eye right now so this is the quality of shitposts unfortunate souls must suffer
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Unfortunately I just really like the taste of the edibles I have. They taste like strawberry hi-chews with the consistency of sour patch kids.
#‘unfortunately’ bc I can only eat like 0.25 of one a day or I get uncomfortably high#which is to say I lay on my bed and have trouble moving#and I think about doing the laundry but I feel quite sure I would forget I was doing laundry halfway through
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im teetering on the edge of something or another, feels like a breakdown but its more so falling back on old unhealthy habits that feel comforting to do but ultimately don't help me in the long run
anyway im coping somehow by comparing myself to dogs and going "haha im young, i got a ways to go before my evil villain arc"
#vent sht ig#unfortunately i do have mental illness (ik relatable whatever hhahaa)#my problems are never that serious but i get stuck in nothing mode a lot#im supposed to rest but i wanna do things and its not like im gonna lose this job anytime soon#so get used to being tired idiot and push through#adapt#improve#thats life and it'll get easier as you practice these things#its still hard#and i still wanna be lobotomized (HALF JOKING lobotomy's arent good for you)#i wanna have hobbies and interests#and time to think about them#AND TIME TO FUCKING THINK IN GENERAL#IF I SEEM LIKE IM NEVER FULLY HERE ITS CAUSE IM NOT ANYMORE IM IN NOTHING LAND AND IM TIRED#AND THIS IS AN ENDLESS CYCLE OF TIRED NOTHINGNESS ANGER AND SADNESS#and im the only one who can get me out of it#and thats scary to think about#if u read this than wow thanks bro#love you <3#k bed time and then i seriously gotta start practicing new things tomorrow k bye!!
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i really am the definition of wasted potential.
#lily talks#don't mind me I can't sleep#sorry for being gloomy on main#sometimes I think about how fucking great I could be at things without the anxiety and depression#because there are so many things I *could* do successfully if I just fucking managed to get out of bed consistently#or not be exhausted from the most fundamental things#But unfortunately I spend my days so desperate trying to *not think* that I procrastinate everything I could do#I don't know how I am supposed to handle anything on too of dealing with my own head#and anyone I meet is always so shocked when I fuck up the most basic things because unfortunately I've mastered *pretending* to be competen#I've got that shit down#Same with being the token optimistic person#I am very Fine (tm) always and if I'm not it's a conscious choice 99% of the time so that people think I'm normal#Because obviously no one is always doing well#But yeah it leads people to thinking I got everything under control and that I'm bound to do something fantastic with the brain the world#Has given me#Unfortunately it only spends its time getting into petty fights with itself and figuring out every type of self sabotage under the sun#... I don't know where i was going with this...#anyway#Sorry to anyone who ever had or still has expectations of me#I am committed to the failgirl lifestyle
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