#there's more I could say but I'm tired
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I finally listened to the West End recording of Beautiful from Heathers and uh. Hmmm.
#sasha speaks#I've seen bootlegs of the west end version and I don't really care for it#the off-broadway cast is much better#there's just something...off about the west end one#I don't like the lyric and dialogue changes and some of the cast's american accents aren't super convincing#there's more I could say but I'm tired#I probably won't ever say more lol#but I have Opinions
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y'know what, ao3 appreciation post cause these people out there doing amazing work for no monetary compensation
literally so many of us love ao3, please show support for these guys <3
#i'm sorry i'm tired i wish i could say more#ao3#ao3 down#writing#fanon#fanfiction#fanfic#ddos attack
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it's been more than 2 years. let's not pretend that my routine now isn't completely fucked i normally don't draw or share something that personal, but now it's a way to cope. somehow. plus, i think, it should be normal to talk about
#i say this a lot but i'm tired#it's just getting worse and nothing helps at this point tbh so i'm trying everything to keep myself alive#i wish it was a figure of speech#barghestland#art#artists on tumblr#things here are just about the end of this winter. but it's more than that. there's just no way i could draw it all.
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One of my first digital pieces (2010) versus one of my recent ones (2024)
We all start somewhere!
#picked these cause they're in a similar pose lol. i mean not at all. but sort of... more than my other art at least...#oh fuck im so tired im saving this to drafts and coming back later#my anxiety meds wipe me the fuck out so im trying not to take them in the day#and they're like legit borderline a sleeping med for me. i take one and in 30 mins im OUT.#so I'm. i mean i was already only taking 1-2 in the day and then 2-3 at night#anyways it makes me sad when people say they dont have an artistic bone in their body#and especially when they say they could never draw like me :(#dont put yourself down to lift me up! i don't want my art to be used for you to be mean to yourself!!!#lots of experiences of people comparing themselves to me and being mean to themself...#feels bad. it's okay if you're slow it's okay to be learning it's okay!!!#I'm me and you're you and we're here to learn from each other. i just wanna hang out..#y'know what I'm just gonna post without saying anything i WILL forget I made a draft#i have so many things i intend to post and then forget#it's a wonder I post anything#i only do it when i get bored. and run out of stuff to scroll through#like whelp. guess if i want a post I have to make one myself.#also the second one is really good idc that it's a study i still drew it#art growth#this was in 2010 btw#i started highschool in 2011#I've grown a lot and you can too.#also I've never really been one to dislike my old art. like idk I was trying... if it's bad I just won't look at it whatever#like i wouldn't be mean to someone else who made that so i don't get a free pass to be mean just cause it's to me#man my thoughts are bungled. okay sleep time#if my phone made typos you didn't see it
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today's a pretty special day.
five years ago, i created tophthedaydreamer and posted my very first art piece on tumblr. since then, i've had a wild time joining fandoms, creating AUs, and generally being my geeky lil self. it's hard to believe it's been five years already. so much has happened, on this site and in my own life!
how can so much time pass just like that? i guess it means that i was having fun.
thanks everybody for sticking around. here's to more years of art, memes, and good vibes.
#topharts#i've had this picture cooked up since august and i'm so excited to share it!!!!!#moomins#moominvalley#snufkin#i wish i could say more but i'm really tired. still sick and it sucks!#but in the words of my boy beetlejuice: hey guys. love you guys.
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bug doodles so i can say i drew something
#oc#original character#alien oc#artists on tumblr#art#aliens#sketch#nyx#having a rough month creatively. and mentally. like a really really rough month. but i'm tired of saying that too#i made like three things this year i was excited about and that's it. where did the fun go. im supposed to enjoy it right#if i dont enjoy it then what is the point !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! of anything !!!! i dont enjoy Anything anymore even !!!!!!!!!#why is it already august. almost september. i dont even remember most of 2023 let alone 2024.#i got no drive to draw let alone to push through a drawing when it gets challenging or doesn't turn out right. i barely drew this month#just kinda hated everything. nothing is fulfilling#IF IM NOT HAVING FUN !!! THEN WHAT IS THE POINT !!! WHAT AM I DOING IT FOR#more and more i consider taking a hiatus from art. but what the fuck else do i do with my time then. what if i never come back to it#i got a list of stuff i could draw but either i try and i dont like it or i sit there and wonder why even bother because i wont enjoy it#guys im tired. im so exhaustingly overwhelmingly depressingly fucking tired and i feel no joy in my art#or videogames. or anything.#i need to go to bed
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y'all need to get a grip. you blab all day about how much you hate bigots and hateful people and how evil it is to dehumanize anyone and then you turn around and say "kys" and "i think [x] should all just kill themselves" and other disgusting, violent and childish trash
so many people on here are just full of hatred and vitriol and turn into frenzied sharks anytime the target 'deserves it' and they think they can get away with it and not be called bad people. then they whine about how sad it is that we can't all just get along and if only all the evil people in the world would stop doing evil things wouldn't that be nicer
you're just as vicious, hypocritical and fanatically puritanical as the caricature you have made in your minds of the people you think you have nothing in common with. if you've ever told someone, ANYONE to kill themselves you're not advocates of justice, you're not artisans of peace, and you certainly don't have any moral high ground that would allow you to pass judgment on others
#i'm tired#you're so terrified of being bad people that you convince yourselves you could *never* be bad#and then any expression of hatred towards others (the “bad people”) gets reframed as proof of your own moral character#((making you even more afraid of being bad because you don't want to be at the receiving end of the hatred and so on and so forth))#you can say whatever you want about religious people and esp christians but 1) you're as religious as they are but at least they know it#and 2) most of the christians i've met are magnitudes more forgiving of others than this website's self-righteous preachers#(this isn't about anything people have said to me btw it's about what i see reading blogs from all across the social/political spectrum)#this about the radfem-hating liberals and the pro-life-hating radfems and the liberal-hating pro-lifers. Round and round we go#it’s about the people who put rabid antisemitism on my dash and whose only socio-political analysis is to call EVERYTHING bad#“Just like nazism”#Yapping about how much more moral and enlightened they are than ppl who introduce nuance into complex topics while they parrot slogans#I hate slogans so bad
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A bit late but oh well, it's still the 21st somewhere and this is more of a bday week thing anyway ;u;
I actually didn't have time to draw a new pic cause I've been super busy but I still wanted to do something so here's an edited/more finished version of the first Käärijä pic I tried drawing then left as a WIP, with a little bday tiara of course! Seriously though, I hope he had the best day, his music and general silliness have brought me a lot of joy and smiles and other nice vibes so yeah I just really appreciate this weird little green guy ;u;
#fanart#käärijä#jere pöyhönen#kiitos käärijä for helping me get out of my artblock#i could say so much more#but I'm tired af and should go sleep#worked on this while listening to huhhahhei the whole time#and yeah fuck okay you guys were right this really his best far#it's so fucking good#I might draw a more cheerful bday thing later if I find the time someday X'D
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What led to this (orufrey comic, cw an uncomfortable/creepy scene)
#witch hat tag#orufrey#er.... i'm too tired to have anything to say..i worked several days on this.#wait.. didn't i say just recently here that i probably wouldn't ever depict 'what if alaira is qifrey's sort-of ex'. What's going on#i don't even remember deciding to draw this..it's all a blur..i'm not sure why i WOULD decide to draw delicate scenes in my head#that i wouldn't really want to share with anyone/discuss so why did i draw it...#some part of me really really wants to draw things that are more and more true to myself...#maybe because of my alienation with most romance/shipping/dynamics the rest of the world depicts.#orufrey really is perfectly suited to me - what i read in the text and what is in my head. well anyway#i am TIRED of drawing poses and angles and..maybe now i will actually take a break from drawing bc of the tediousness of Angles#btw it really is a 'stretch of time' . . . assuming witches graduate age 18-20#well orufrey are canonically 30-ish. they've only had agott around for presumably about TWO years (?) bc she took the test age 10#and it feels like oru moving in/unknown atelier acquisition/building (?) .. i guess that could be a year or so before agott at most#(she was the first disciple) so... ????????? What about the other 7 or so years ?!?!?!!?!?! Unemployed Brimhat Hatred era#that time is very nebulous. after qifrey went to the tower i feel like it's been implied he and oru drifted apart a little.#certainly they didn't live together at first... no way. that doesn't feel like how it is based on things oru has said about becoming Eye#idk. I'm tired now. i don't usually think of alaira as necessarily qifrey's ex and this being how things went in that 'sliver of time'.#i usually prefer the idea that they have their first kiss with each other in their 30s cause That's Just The Orufrey Lifestyle#just felt like making a more relatable alternative view of my own Cai Orufrey Canon one time. btw im a big monoshipper and it hurt a bit#let's leave it there. this is surely the most i've worked on a 'single' art - though now i realise just how much longer the fic took :')
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you ever just have a lot, a LOT of feelings all at once about a character and not even remotely enough words or brainpower to FORM the words to describe everything you're feeling. so it feels like you may explode. yeah
#sorry i got really into my feelings about mark hoffman again#the very specific version of him in my brain that i really really wish i had the time and energy to properly share with you guys#saw#well until i muster the energy to explode all of my feelings out into a fic. if you want to TRY and understand#know that my three biggest hoffman fic insps right now are as follows#your best kept secret hoffman. a series of mistakes hoffman. and rushed like a dreadful wind hoffman.#there is a very clear throughline just know i am extremely emotionally compromised rn#thinking about theee fics vs the canon path hoffman spirals down#something something the absolute tragedy of watching a man's descent into madness#the transformation of a man into a monster#and what could have saved him from himself and kramer's corruption#sorry i'm rambling so much oh my god i was just having such a crying fit out of nowhere about this#do you think he could feel it happening. do you think he was aware he was losing his mind.#the script version of him fucks with me so bad. the crazed rankings and the longer hair and him not being well kept anymore#it's impossible to think he didn't know he was deteriorating#fuuuck okay i need to either chill or write a whole longfic rn#i project on that guy so much i truly don't know if i could properly write my vision of him#until i do something more substantial the full extent of my hoffman exists for me and my boyfriend only. they get me like no one else#well ginny and jenna also get me. please read best kept secret and a series of mistakes Oh My God#where am i going with this. i like tag rambling actually this is a nice way to do it without forcing EVERYONE to read my delirium#anyways if you've read all of this i think i love you? feel free to dm me about hoffman and my very specific headcanons and aus#maybe soon i'll try and start writing my fics about this tragic man#i could never say any of this on twitter btw they'd string me up for my opinions on him as a sad wet beast who could have been fixed#if only he hadn't been weaponized first#god i'm too tired to even be as embarrassed about this as i should be. thought i unlearned cringe already#but i've been spending way too much time on twitter and they HAAATE hoffman there#rip. i know it's not that serious but i'm sensitive rn and hate feeling lonely in my thoughts#ok bye for real otherwise i'll never shut up. i might tag ramble more often bc this was therapeutic in a way i needed badly#cat chat
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ALL OF US STRANGERS (2023) dir. ANDREW HAIGH
#filmedit#filmgifs#movieedit#moviegifs#All of Us Strangers#aousedit#filmtvdaily#filmtvcentral#cinemapix#fyeahmovies#dailyflicks#mine*#mygifs#movies*#I can't believe this is done. and you won't believe how long it took me to make it. insane... because it's just a scene#I didn't even use different fonts. or a cool template. or transitions... it was a single scene... but look... I made captures for 10 gifs#and things kept happening and I kept finding little gestures and beautiful things and I just couldn't keep them out the gifs#I mean look at Harry and that slow realization. please look at the glow around his shoulders at the beginning#and how ethereal and out of this world he already is AND THEN when Adam says 'I found you' he becomes more... real and present!#and those eyes and the intensity of that 'you're here' and their eyes and faces and smiles and how Harry's desperate but Adam calms him dow#and his voice when he asks 'how come no one found me?' the realization that people didn't care to check on him. it screamed to my soul#I haven't stopped thinking about that scene since the moment I first watched it#honestly... I wish I could live in this scene forever#now this is a super long post and I know it won't get many notes and it was surely made before... but I needed to make this for myself...#so here it is :) I'm tired but I love it#GOD the way Harry goes full baby when Adam caresses his cheek and he SMILES LIKE THAT! AHHHHHHH!#*runs down the hill screaming*
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#fma#van hohenheim#fma memes#fullmetal alchemist brotherhood#fullmetal alchemist#out of 5 people at least one looks at me like i personally invented child abuse when i say hohenheim is my fav character#i'm not defending him. he did abandon his family#but like what was he supposted to do? leave the whole country to die? let the tragedy of xerxes happen again?#shitty dad in canon but he is a good person#and he does care about his family#i'm salty that brotherhood cut so many moments of him#i'll shut up now#i can talk about him for hours#i talked to a few fma fans at an anime con and that inspired this shitty meme#also i could have added many more panels of him but i'm tired
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[ID: a digital drawing of Hunter and Willow from the owl house based on the "lesbians doing makeup" meme. Hunter is lying beneath Willow, who straddles him while doing his makeup. He looks at her somewhat dazed and she looks at him fondly. the background is a mid-tone blue. End ID]
This is what they are. To me
#the owl house#toh#hunter toh#willow park#huntlow#this the. 3rd? huntlow meme redraw I've done?#it's fun okay?#yesterday and today were pretty okay but they left me WIPED OUT and this was all i could make lmao#i probably could've spent more time on this but also it was just a silly meme redraw for fun lol it doesn't have to be the mona lisa#<- saying that through gritted teeth btw. it does not have to be the mona lisa#man I'm even too tired for tag rambles i do not have much to say#i will say that i contemplated doing this with amity and willow instead but I'm not super huge into them romantically#hence i figured that as much as i love the off-screen makeover Amity gave willow in s2 (that i lowkey wish ppl did more with)#I'd prefer to indulge myself this once lol#she's gonna give him red eyeshadow i think :]#i was gonna try and draw each of them with more makeup but it straight up didn't look right in my style lol#so uh. just imagine#okay i gotta go listen to music like my life depends on it hope u guys enjoy
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not to sound like a broken record, but every once in a while i just remember that beyond evil really said that a strained relationship between a parent and child does not necessarily have to be straightforward, in that han joo won clearly despises his father (you sent me away, you’re the reason my mom’s dead, you were never interested in who i was until it was relevant to your career) and yet joo won still has a room in his father’s house (even though you locked me out without a warning) and they still eat dinner (even though you shoo me away when i tried to approach you) and joo won even still gives his father a dozen chances to prove that he’s not an awful person (just tell me the truth, just tell me the truth, and i promise i’ll help you) and even in the finale, you see a bit of that anger and disappointment and pain in joo won’s face and hm something about beyond evil saying that the relationships between parents and child are complex in that no matter how many times a parent kicks at their child, there will always be a tiny, tiny part of the child that still wonders if there’s even a sliver of a chance of a functional relationship--
and you see a bit of that in jeong je and his relationship with his mom too, in that his mother almost obsessively looks after him. she hovers over him, keeping track of his medication and sending him away to hospitals (is it out of love or self-preservation or shame? or maybe it’s all of those things at the same time), and she decides that she’ll protect her son first and foremost, but then the second it’s convenient for her, she tells him that she’ll throw him away. (she doesn’t want to be called “mom” anymore. maybe it’s true that she was only a mom, but isn’t that what every kid wants from a parent. for their parent to be their parent first.) and yet, despite that monstrous moment, do hae won still has a whole breakdown when she realizes that jeong je might truly kill himself, and there’s something pathetic about that (if you truly cared about your child, you would have known the kind of hell you were putting them through) and yet a little tragic too (how come it had to take you that long to realize your child was in hell).
and you see some strains of that with dong sik and jae yi, in that both of them had such beautiful relationships with their parents, and yet there’s something in both their relationships that broke that down. for jae yi, she loves her mother but there’s a small part of her that resents her for suddenly going missing--as soon as you come back home, i’m going to walk out of this shop and never come back. and yet she loves her mother, even with all that resentment and hurt and confusion within her, even before she learns of the truth. (she’s the one who runs over to the morgue every time a new body’s found. she’s the one pestering morticians and prosecutors about where her mother might be. she does this every year, even though she’s angry, deep down she’s angry.)
and then with dong sik, who has so many fond memories of his parents--you see that grief and sadness on his face when he talks about how just overnight, his father was no longer his best friend. dong sik left so quickly after the accusations against him because how could he stay, when his own parents either can’t look at him in the eye or look right through him? and there’s some bitterness there too--and even more bitterness when dong sik visits his mom, scoffing at the idea of being a good son (because he’s not a good son, he’s the son who ran away from home the second he thought he no longer had a home, he cleans his mom’s hands a little too roughly because he doesn’t do that often anymore). of course, dong sik loves his parents, of course, dong sik loves his mom, because he still talks to her (even if she can’t understand him), but there’s that grief underlying it all too. his mom isn’t herself anymore, and dong sik might not get that back, and maybe he’s bitter more at himself than he is at his parents, but at least there’s something there for him to hold onto, at least at the end of it all. and maybe that’s kind of all that someone can do when they haven’t always had the easiest relationship with a parent--the good parts are good, but the bad parts are bad, and maybe that’s as much as anyone gets.
#caroline talks#beyond evil#long post#i'm. listening to family line by conan gray in case u could not tell#i just. HM#the fact that joo won scoffs at his dad's name but still quietly resents the idea of being like his mom#and i think he really wants to be a little more like his dad + he gives his dad so many chances#the fact that jeong je looks so tired whenever his mom comes to him but at the same time that's his mom. he still sounds like a little kid#when his mom says she's abandoning him#even though jeong je's a whole grown adult it's like. MAN!!!#when beyond evil said parent-child relationships are so messy!!
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#one piece#sanji#black leg sanji#everysanji#summit war saga#ch553#ft. luffy#ft. zoro#ft. nami#ft. usopp#ft. chopper#ft. robin#ft. franky#ft. brook#thinking abt that one blog that is kinda going around rn does it hate/love women or whatever#and even tho as of queueing this i havent seen op on there i dont think you could do a hard and fast yes or no for op#since i think there are a number of women that are loved by the series and oda does actually give women diverse body types#and not all of the good women are stereotypically attractive (lola and charlotte come to mind whenever i think about this)#and a lot of the women do have established goals and wants and needs that are validated through the narrative#even pudding is a well written character tbh <- needs to reread wci dont ask me to go into details quite yet#but then you look at some of the other character designs. and how some characters do just fall flat#or arent well written. given that its such a long series though that is so expected and it holds up a lot better than say...#naruto. or bleach. in this regard but i wish we did get more fights with nami and robin sometimes u know.#i do really enjoy the ones we get and i'm excited to get back to wano for robin's fight with black maria#bc i did see some screencaps from that and ik fights arent the only thing to showcase a character's worth#but this is a shounen series so to some extent fights are a staple of the genre.#idk where im going with this its 10pm for me and i'm very tired t-t#i'm so lighthoused out. and they're redoing the roof on my house this week which is so augh
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thing that kills me emotionally the most in LobCorp is dialogues like this:
This implying that there were loops where Angela did genuinely wish for X to be happy, other things that suggest that she didn't always hate him. Actually I'm not even sure if "hate" is the right word, because by the time of the game it's already been so many repetitions that any sort of positive or negative feelings she had towards him have atrophied. There's the time that she mentions once where X suddenly started apologizing to her, and how she didn't like that - even as he's trying to make amends for the things he did to the Sephirah apologizing to her comes as too little, too late.
#lobotomy corporation#lobcorp#angela lobcorp#meta posting on my art blog#there's probably more i could say about this#but i've been on the computer all day trying to finish the Abno codex so I'm tired
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