#there's a dichotomy between what it's like to be alive versus what it's like to experience death

[aro-throughyourchest]

I’m also insane about l’manbur you should show us

I know canon L'manguy is just Wilbur in a funny Hamilton cosplay but imagine a Wilbur untainted by the world and just creating a nation because it was for his little brother (he's not even British) and he gets to be happy and confused and There's this Motherfucking Quackity guy who's Trying to Steal Tommy How Dare He >:(

He's not filled with the nuances of his counterparts, the little eccentricities of dying, he just gets to be.

[beeden96]

Chiron as guide to the Dao

I am used to seeing people in the astrological community describe Chiron as "the wounded healer" and stop there. But I have been reading more about Chiron, and doing a lot of introspective work about him, and I want to help everyone see him in a deeper, more well-rounded light.

For those who are familiar with Daoism, and the concept of the Dao, this post will be easier to grasp. But just as a brief description, Daoism (as illuminated in Daoist texts) is essentially the synthesized philosophy of much older Earth-based spiritual traditions in what is now known as China.

Because Daoism is a synthesized philosophy coming out of a much older animist tradition, and because all human societies and cultures once practiced animism (and most still do in various ways), it has a massive amount of resonance cross-culturally.

Anyway, back to Chiron. I see him as a mediator, a sage, who was a kindred spirit to LaoZi and other spiritual teachers. He taught those around him how to reconcile the different parts of their nature, how to integrate their base level instincts with their higher awareness. Astronomically, he is the mediator between the inner and outer planets, at the boundary of Saturn and Uranus.

In his lifetime, Chiron was trying to reconcile the differences and misunderstandings between centaurs (representing "nature," "instincts," "barbarism" etc.) and gods (representing "humanity," "rationality," "civilization" etc. ). He was trying to teach everyone that these concepts are a false dichotomy, and that it is possible for all of these things to coexist in a single form- after all, he was living proof!

His injury, which is why people refer to him as "the wounded healer" happened by accident during a fight between centaurs and gods. He was wounded in this battle specifically, but I think the story is just emblematic of the lifelong wound of rejection and misunderstanding he carried as a result of who he was, and the message he was trying to convey (which others were not always receptive to).

I find it important to say that Chiron was wounded by circumstance, and this myth takes place in a specific historical context, where ideas about "civilization" versus "barbarism" (read: empire versus indigeneity) were rapidly being formed. This is ancient Greece and Rome we're talking about here. This myth was being actively created through retellings in a context where the idea of someone like Chiron NOT being wounded was unimaginable.

I think that the difference between Chiron as an archetype, and Chiron in mythological/historical context, is really important. Because at least in theory, Chiron did not have to be wounded by that poisoned arrow. It was not an inevitable outcome. And I think that as a collective, humanity is now being faced with the task of integrating Chiron's awareness, and healing everyone who has been hurt in the process of global patriarchal/colonial/capitalist expansion (which is actually literally everyone, in one way or another). We have the option now, to re-write the story. To stop the wounding.

What if the whole "mind vs. body, humans vs. nature" thing didn't exist? What if we learned how to relate to ourselves and all other beings in a non-dominating, loving way? What would it mean to let go of control? What would it mean to allow the Dao to flow, to stop trying to escape change and death, and just surrender to being a part of everything? These lessons are what I believe Chiron is trying to teach.

I think that the most painful separation for most of us alive today, is the separation we have from our own humanity- as contextualized by, and produced by, our relationships to all other beings. This pain is amplified for those of us who are especially spiritually sensitive, and who are the targets of dominating systems.

Dominating systems, extractivist systems, do not understand the lessons of Chiron. They position themselves as gods, ruling over nature and taking what they please.

It has been argued that Chiron rules Virgo and the 6th house. I think this is an interesting and keen observation. Chiron, as mediator between "heaven and earth" so to speak, rules over the connection between the mundane and the divine. He is the bridge between the two, as Barbara Hand Clow says.

I am reminded of a Zen Buddhist saying (which I suspect has Daoist origins): "Before enlightenment; chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment; chop wood, carry water.”

I am also reminded of the line in Everything Everywhere All At Once, where Ke Huy Quan's character says: "So, even though you have broken my heart yet again, I wanted to say, in another life I would have really liked just doing laundry and taxes with you."

...

So then, what to make of Chiron as an astrological object? He has not really been labeled, which I think is part of the beauty of his symbolism. Nobody can fully decide if he's a planetoid or asteroid or comet, or something else entirely. And that is okay. As an archetype, Chiron represents embodied forms that cannot be easily categorized.

In a natal chart, Chiron is said to represent a person's deepest wound, but also the area of life where they have the most wisdom. I think this is true, but I also want to move beyond the surface-level symbolism.

I have come to see Chiron as representing the area where a person can experience their greatest sense of connection or disconnection from the Dao. From "God" or the "ground of being" or whatever other words people use to describe it. This makes it extremely powerful as a gateway, and because it unleashes all of these fraught themes about mind vs. body, humans vs. nature, etc. it is not easy to deal with.

Chiron is a reminder of all the ways we are limited in our connection to the Dao. All the ways we struggle to let go of power and control, the ways we get ourselves stuck in material issues or stuck in spiritual issues and struggle to find the balance between them. Chiron is about balance- I think the greatest balancing act of all. Think of the Yin-Yang symbol, which represents the Dao.

It takes a high level of spiritual awareness, coupled with a high level of skill in navigating mundane reality, in order to fully integrate Chiron. But Chiron in itself is the guide to the mastery of those realms. So I would say that in order to reach that place, we have to listen to what Chiron is asking of us.

In a natal chart, I feel that Chiron represents our potential. Where we could find our greatest sense of integration, wisdom, and joyful embodiment. Where we could find our connection to the Dao. It's getting there in this world, where "gods" and "centaurs" are fighting, which is the major challenge. The process of getting there is usually painful. But it can also be full of love, and beautiful lessons that are profoundly healing. It depends on how you approach the themes that are being brought up.

In synastry, I think of Chiron contacts as areas where the other person is supporting or pushing us to get into deeper contact with the Dao. It depends on whether the aspect is hard or soft. I think hard aspects with Chiron can be difficult to wrangle when people are young, but they are likely the most transformative.

In a composite chart, I think Chiron represents the greatest potential of the relationship itself. It is the area where, if it is focused on, both people in the relationship would feel most connected to the Dao. Any aspects it makes, especially conjunctions, are representative of planetary energies that are key to Chiron's mission and what it is asking of us in that relationship.

Chiron says: "This is the most difficult thing for you to achieve, but it is the thing that will be the most rewarding if you can get there."

Chiron sees potential. It pushes people to their outer limits, tries to help them break through to the other side (past Saturn to Uranus), then guides them to come back and tell the tale.

Not everybody makes it back. Not everybody even accepts being pushed to their limits like that in the first place. But those who DO make it back, especially those who have willingly gone on the journey, are essential guides for the rest of us.

Chiron is intimately connected to ecology. To relationships, to polarities, and to balance. Now more than ever, the world needs people who are ready to harness the power of their natal Chirons, and to harness the power of Chiron in their composite charts with people who they have important relationships with.

We can't do this work on our own. Even though Chiron was often depicted as a loner, in reality he had a large network of friends, and he even had a wife! Her name is Chariklo- but that's a story for another time.

I want to encourage people to start seeing Chiron in a new light. Let's not fear him, and run away from the pain. The pain is trying to tell us something. If we are in pain because of Chiron, that is because he is highlighting an area of life where we are disconnected from the Dao. He is telling us to "chop wood, carry water" and to maintain spiritual awareness at the same time. He is telling us to recognize and respect our limits, while pushing them at the same time. Chiron is paradox. He is Yin and Yang. He is the relationship of opposites. If we allow these lessons to sink in, our area of immeasurable pain can transform into the area of our greatest ecstasy.

Let us learn!

[bhanu-prakash]

The Academic Blog Post 06

Avatar: Colour and Cultural Decoding

In James Cameron’s Avatar, color is a key visual aspect but also a narrative and cultural touchstone that draws audiences into the planet Pandora and its mystical inhabitants. Swept in the blue-washed Na’vi, its radiant gestures of worlds and topographies, the movie itself is a rich fabric of meaning. It is in fact a deeper, richer tale, one that lies behind the onscreen narrative that is scored with the denotation, connotation and myth of these colors. In the blog, I discuss how color conditions Avatar but point to Cameron’s contributions at the end and consider other cultural and symbolic factors in Avatar as a whole.

A World Painted in Myth

From the first images of Avatar onward, the rich colors of Pandora are in brutal contrast to the muted coloration of the human interlopers. At the denotative level the Na’vi blue skin marks them out as extra-terrestrial beings. Its meaning, however, also connects well with concepts of divinity, wisdom, eve transcendence characteristics frequently associated with blue, in cultural environments, like those of the Indian mythological Framework Lord Shiva (Flood, 1996). But by choosing to make the Na’vi blue, Cameron is communicating that they’re linked not just to Pandora, but to their spirituality and ecology that makes them what they are.

The way Na’vi skin interacts with their bioluminescent environment also further emphasizes their connection to the planet. This solidarity is the foundation of Pandora’s mythos, a place free from industrialized predation. This is to say that the choice of color on the Na’vi formed them as and, through semiosis as defined by Barthes, sacred protectors of a sacred ecology in (Barthes and Lavers, 1993). Such visual choices invite us to regard the Na’vi as the metaphorical case study of how to live in harmony with nature, not as beings in a mythic hierarchy of their own.

Figure 1: The forest of Pandora is illuminated by the perennial reconciliation of the Na’vi with their environment.

Cultural and Ideological Dichotomies

Avatar therefore sets up a stark visual and ideological chasm as its narrative unfolds. Pandora’s natural realm is colorful, animated, glowing; the human industrial machine, in contrast, is depicted in muted grays and metallic tones. The difference is thus not just visual but also allegory it is battle for conservation versus commoditization. Humans’ mechanized biodome suggests sterility, destruction, and death; Na’vi bioluminescent ecosystem indicates vibrancy, interdependency, and life (Cameron, 2009).

This binary tale positions the Na’vi as the moral centerpiece of the story, personifying ecological purity. But Barthes’s theory of myth caution us of the perils of oversimplification. The narrative diminishes the Na’vi to generalizations of the “noble savage”, supporting an idealized concept of local life scope (Barthes and Lavers, 1993), oversimplifying complexly human experiences and exchanges in service of ‘saving’ Tegas land. And the distinction between the Na’vi and the humans serves to push the moral imperative of caring for the environment.

Figure 2: Pandora is alive, and its lush landscapes speak to competing philosophies of preservation and exploitation as it struggles against the humans’ industrial base.

Source - https://www.artstation.com/artwork/39A8Ng

Myth and the Human Connection

It’s in Avatar’s higher notes that the real significance of its color symbolism emerges. The glow of Pandora’s bioluminescence forms the backbone of the Na’vi’s rituals and their spiritual relationship with the planet. These pictures foreground their stewardship of a sacred ecological balance. This mythic rendering converts the Na’vi into a cliche figure of environmental defense (Barthes and Lavers 1993).

But this mythmaking has its limits. By casting the Na’vi as unchanging creatures tied to the natural world, the story threatens to overlook their capacity for adaptation and change. Cameron’s use of color thus both reinforces a potent but easily dismissed conventional narrative about ecological stewardship while registering a reminder of the dynamic between saying and showing the world. The climax, in which the Na’vi defeat exploitative human industrial civilization, is an epic set piece a sort of big visual metaphor for the tendency of local natural systems to recover from national greed.

Figure 3: The ritual beneath the Tree of Souls depicts Na'vi spiritual connectedness to Pandora

Conclusion: Beyond the Screen

Avatar is a great tale in Godly hue manifestations. The Na’vi’s indigo skin, likened by its creators to mythic archetypes like Shiva, makes it undeniably well suited as an avatar of ecological balance and repair. But Barthes’ semiotics forces us to interrogate that mythmaking process, which can entrap cultural identities in the cage of the signs.

Thinking through Avatar in the terms of denotation, connotation and myth shows how Cameron’s visuals work in cultural and ecological discourses. This multi-layered approach compels audiences to immerse themselves in Pandora’s natural wonders but also understand the complex realities of preserving an ecosystem and cultural representation. Avatar reintroduces visual symbolism to shape the stories of the things that drive us into rages, from their epic impact around eternity.

References:

Barthes, R. and Lavers, A. (1993) Mythologies. London: Vintage.

Cameron, J. (2009) Avatar. 20th Century Fox.

Flood, G. (1996) An Introduction to Hinduism. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press.

Pinterest (n.d.) ‘Pandora forest glow’. Available at: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/33798114704026068.

WDWMagic (2017) ‘The landscape of Pandora’. Available at: https://www.wdwmagic.com/attractions/avatar/gallery/15may2017-the-landscape-of-pandora---the-world-of-avatar/30225.htm.

ArtStation (n.d.) ‘Pandora environment design’. Available at: https://www.artstation.com/artwork/39A8Ng.

Medium (2023) ‘An exegesis on Avatar’. Available at: https://psi-fi-channel.medium.com/an-exegesis-on-avatar-2-gaia-mind-death-grief-and-not-just-a-hint-of-tech-gnosis-e4e843278b64.

[cios-correct-opinions]

There's no such thing as lesser of two evils. You might find your individual being not at stake under one person. Millions others don't have that luxury

I know it's depressing, but that is the harsh reality you have to accept. It is fucked up that in order to care about your own wellbeing you have to sacrifice others

i am aware of all of this. that's why i fight. i cannot fight if i'm dead under republican rule though, and that's what'll happen lmao

i have already accepted this current reality and am working to change it, in ways that i can, for the future. but i need to be alive for that to happen

i believe individuals hold more power than we realize in this country because a lot of us simply have no idea what we can do because we aren't taught for what i hope are obvious reasons. government doesn't want the people it oppresses to know they do have power because guess what? they'll kick 'em out lmao

i believe in a reality where, in my lifetime, we can turn the tide against the wrongs of the past and help the people harmed by imperialism by removing that imperialism. i believe we can see the removal of country borders and dissolution of the idea of a country as a political entity and replaced instead with a shared experience of people within their culture and region, in my lifetime

but i, and millions of others like me, who agree with me, will never be able to make that happen if we die as so many others already have. this country is already trying to kill us, but there's a clear dichotomy between the ones who are trying to legislate us out of existence, versus the ones who are bare minimum saying that shouldn't happen. and i don't like those people who are giving the bare minimum either but jesus christ i think one of these things is worse, yeah?

i hate that this is the reality of a two-party system but i can't get rid of em myself or else i would've already. i've hated this concept since i was a child.

ultimately, this ask seems to be implying that i should then stop caring about my wellbeing. are you asking me to be willing to die so others can live? because i don't think anyone who is willing to ask that to a marginalized person directly has good intentions

[iimpavidwrites]

Benzaiten Steel and the Fragility of Perception

or: reasons why setting boundaries is important #1283

I’ve figured out a reason why Benzaiten Steel stayed with his mother instead of doing the “sensible” thing and moving out. I think that it’s possible, too, that Juno has always been aware of the answer but, in the scope of Juno Steel and the Monster’s Reflection, he isn’t able to face it head-on because it contradicts his black/white, either/or sense of morality.

TL;DR: Despite Juno Steel’s unreliable narration we are able to see clearly the enmeshed relationship Benzaiten had with their mother Sarah and the ways in which that unhealthy family dynamic shaped Juno Steel as a person.

Sources: 50% speculation, 20% lit crit classes, 30% my psychology degree. 

Juno’s perception of Ben is shallow and filtered through the limitations of human memory. We all know by now, too, that Juno’s an Unreliable Narrator™.  In light of this, we need to ask ourselves why it is that Juno remembers Ben as happy, supportive, and only ever gentle in the challenges he poses to Juno. Throughout the episode, Ben’s memory is clearly acting as a comforting psychopomp: he ferries Juno through the metaphorical death of his old understanding of his mother (and also himself) and into a new way of thinking. He does this through persistent-but-kind questions, never telling Juno what to do or how to do it. This role could have been played by anyone in Juno’s life (Mick and Rita come to mind first) which makes it telling that Juno’s mind chose Ben to fill this role.

Juno’s version of Ben is cheerful, endlessly patient with Juno and Sarah, and above all he is compassionate. He acts as a mediating presence between Juno and Juno’s memory of Sarah and he doesn’t ask a whole lot for himself. If this is Juno’s strongest memory/impression of Ben’s behavior and perspective, then we can draw some conclusions about the roles they each played in the Steel family unit: Juno was antagonistic to Sarah and vice versa, and Ben was relegated to the role of mediator for the both of them.

Juno: She’s just evil. Ben: That’s a big word. Juno: “Evil”? Ben: No, “Just”.

We can see in this exchange that Ben is a vehicle for the compassion Juno needs to show not only to Sarah but to himself, too, in order to move on and evolve his understanding of his childhood traumas. 

This is not necessarily an appropriate role for a sibling or a child to hold in a family unit.

In family psychology, one of the maladaptive relationship patterns that is discussed is enmeshment. Googling the term you’ll find a lot of sensational results (e.g. “emotional incest syndrome”) that aren’t necessarily accurate in describing what this dysfunction looks like in the real world. This is in part because enmeshment can present many different ways. So, in order to proceed with this analysis of Benzaiten Steel’s relationship with his mom, I need to define enmeshment. 

Enmeshment occurs when the normal boundaries of a parent-child relationship are dissolved and the parent becomes over-reliant on the child, requiring the child to cater to their emotional needs and to otherwise become a parent to the parent (or to themself and/or to other children in the family). This is easiest to spot when a parent confides in a child as if they’re a best friend, disclosing details of their romantic life, expecting the child to give them advice on coping with work stress, and similar. Once enmeshment occurs, any kind of emotional shift in one member of the enmeshed household will reverberate to the others; self-regulation and discernment (e.g. figuring out which emotions originate in the parent and which ones originate in the child) becomes extremely difficult for the effected child and parent. When an enmeshed child becomes an enmeshed adult they often have issues with self-identity and interpersonal boundaries. For example, they may struggle to define themselves without external validation and expect others to be able to intuitively divine their emotions. After all, the enmeshed adult could do this with their parent and others easily due to hypervigilance cultivated by their parent and they may not understand that such was not the typical childhood experience. These adults are often individuals to whom the advice “don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm” is often relevant and disregarded. They may perceive their own needs as superfluous to others’-- and resent others as a consequence.

Another layer of complication is added when the parent in an enmeshed relationship is an addict, as Sarah Steel was. The enmeshed child often times becomes the physical caregiver to their parent as well and must cope with all the baggage loving an addict brings: the emotional rollercoaster of the parent trying to get clean or the reality of their neglecting or stealing from their child to support their habit or their simply being emotionally absent. Enmeshment leaves children with a lot of conflicting messages about their role in the family, how to conduct relationships, and how to define themself.

We only get an outside perspective on this enmeshment in the Steel family. It’s clear in the text that Juno’s relationship with his mother was fraught. He jokes in The Case of the Murderous Mask that she didn’t kill him but “not for lack of trying”, implying that Ben’s murder wasn’t the first time Sarah Steel lashed out at Juno-- or thought she was lashing out at Juno but hurt Ben instead. During the entire tenure Juno’s trek through the underworld of his own trauma, Juno asks the specter of Benzaiten over and over, “Why did you stay?”. This is a question that Juno himself can’t answer because Ben, when he was alive, probably never gave him an answer that Juno found satisfactory. There are a few possibilities, which I can guess from experience, as to what the answer was:

Ben may never have been able to articulate that his relationship with their mother left him feeling responsible for her wellbeing. 

Or, if he ever told Juno that, Juno may have simply brushed off this concern. After all, as far as Juno was concerned, Sarah was only ever just evil. To protect himself from his mother’s neglect and codependence, Juno shut down his own ability to perspective-take and think about the nuances that might inform a person’s addiction, mental illness, abusive behavior, etc.

It is likely that Ben thought either his mother needed him to survive or, alternatively, that he couldn’t survive without her-- as if often the case with children who are enmeshed with their primary caregiver. It was natural and necessary for him, from this perspective, to stay. Enmeshment is a very real psychological trap.

It is often frustrating and hard as hell to love someone who is in an enmeshed relationship because, from the outside, the damage being done to them seems obvious. See: Juno’s assertion that Sarah was just evil. Juno is, even 19 years later, still angry about Sarah Steel and her failures as a parent and as a person. His thinking on this subject is very black-and-white. He positions Sarah as a Bad Guy in his discussions with Ben-the-psychopomp and the childhood cartoon slogan of “The Good Guys Always Win!” is repeated ad nauseum throughout Juno’s underworld journey. This mode of thinking serves two purposes:

First, it illustrates the role Juno played in the household: he was opposed to Sarah in all things and Sarah did not require any compassion or enmeshment from Juno. Juno was, quite possibly, neglected in favor of Ben which would create a deep resentment… toward both Sarah and toward Ben. This family dynamic would reinforce Juno’s shallow moral reasoning and leave him with vague, unachievable ideals to strive for like “Be One of the Good Guys” or “Don’t Be Like Mom” -- ideals that he can’t reach because he is a flawed human being and not a cartoon character, creating a feedback loop of resentment toward his mother and guilt about resenting Benzaiten. That guilt would further bolster Juno’s shallow memory of Ben as being infallibly patient, kind, loving, etc. 

Second, Juno’s black/white moral reasoning is an in-text expression of the meaning behind Juno’s name. When “Rex Glass” points out that Juno is a goddess associated with protection, Juno immediately has a witty, bitter rejoinder  ready about Juno-the-goddess killing her children. Juno was named for a deity who in some ways strongly resembles Sara Steel and he resents that he is literally being identified as his own mother. Juno-the-goddess has one hell of a temper, being the parallel to Rome’s Hera. Juno is not a goddess (detective) who forgives easily when she (he) knows that a child (Benzaiten Steel) has been harmed. This dichotomy of “venerated protector” versus “vengeful punisher”  causes psychological tension for Juno that is only partially resolved in The Monster’s Reflection. The tension is not fully resolved, however, because Juno never gets a clear answer for the question, “Why did you stay?”

The answer is there but it is one that Juno doesn’t like and so can’t articulate: Ben is enmeshed with Sarah who named him, of all things, Benzaiten and that is why he stayed. We’ve already seen that names have intentional significance in the text. Benzaiten is hypothesized to be a syncretic deity between Hinduism and Buddhism, is a goddess primarily associated with water. Syncretic deities are fusions of similar deities from different religions/cultures; their existence is the result of compromise and perspective-taking and acceptance. Water, too, is forgiving in this way: it takes the shape of whatever container you pour it into... not unlike a child who is responsible for the emotional wellbeing of their entire family unit. Not unlike Benzaiten Steel.

Ben stayed with his mother because his relationship with his mother was enmeshed, leaving him little choice but to stay, and this ultimately led to tragedy. Sarah Steel’s failures as a parent are many and Juno still has a lot of baggage to unpack in that regard, especially where Ben is concerned. It’s unlikely that we’ll get the same kind of “speedrunning therapy” episode again but I know that The Penumbra is committed to a certain amount of psychological realism in its character arcs so I am confident in asserting that Juno Steel isn’t finished. Recovery is a journey and he’s only taken the first steps.

[dustyard]

Do you think Frankenstein's creation would have a daemon or not? Would his lack of a daemon make him even more frightening and feel even more alone?

You, my friend, are asking the right questions.

So within the novel, the creature is very much a new life form all his own; he doesn't retain vestiges of the people who previously held his body parts. His creation scene is absolutely a birth scene, and the fact that Victor is continuously implied to be the father who abondoned his child lends to the idea that the creature is a the equivalent of a new baby. So in that sense, I can see the creature having a dæmon, because he is a new life, and I assume c-section babies get dæmons, so why not electricity babies? As the creature learns and grows, the dæmon could do the same before settling the way any other child does.

However, the concept of "otherness" is extremely important in the novel. The creature is not human; he doesn't fit in with society, because while he was made from human parts, he is also something entirely new. Within the confines of the narrative, having the creature lacking a dæmon would be a clear sign that while he is alive, he cannot be mistaken for human, which would add to the tension of how the creature deserves to be treated. Additionally, the novel was intended to evoke horror in its audience. You're meant to be uncomfortable, and in a world with dæmons, a person who doesn't have a dæmon would probably give you the uncanny valley effect that the monster was originally supposed to have. So I would think that he wouldn't have a dæmon, if only because it would be a way to experiment with what it means to be human versus a monster, and how we define those concepts in relation to having a dæmon. It would further the dichotomy between Victor and tbe creature, and I agree that it would also add to the tragedy of how lonely the creature is, and how desperately he wants someone else like him to exist.

If you really wanted to go in for angst, have the creature be dæmonless the whole story, until right at the end when it manifests. Finally at peace with his existence, ready to die, he is given that which he most wanted at the beginning: humanity. And all he can do is sit in the arctic, frozen and watching dust converging on him, and think about how it must all be some kind of cosmic punishment. To be given a soul guarantees that he will be damned for his actions, and has to suffer life with regrets, or death with damnation... how very appropriately Gothic.

[incorrect-ikevamp-quotes]

NEVER WAS THERE A TALE OF MORE WOE, THAN THAT OF OUR JEANNE AND FANGDADDIO 😭😭😭

But alas, I will relay what I read back in the day to the best of my abilities! Spoilers for the end of Jeanne’s route under the cut, rated E (for everyone) for maximum uwus (and M for angst bc F U C K):

Okay so basically Jeanne’s route goes a lot like most of the routes, and when MC gets attacked (by the rival vampire turned by Vlad) our eyepatched wonder is not happy about it. He storms over to Comte’s room and demands to have his questions answered. Comte notes how deathly serious he is and breezes past the enmity, telling him to go ahead and ask whatever he needs to. Jeanne threatens to kill Comte if it turns out that he’s lying about anything from this point forward. To which Comte (being a little shit), replies that he literally can’t die so like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. Jeanne tells him he doesn’t care what it takes; he’ll rend him apart to the tiniest shred over and over and over again--even if it takes them both to the other side to accomplish it. Comte concedes and says “very well; if I lie, you’re welcome to try.” Jeanne finally asks if Comte has made a revival pact with anyone new. Comte is genuinely confused and confesses that he hasn’t--that he has no idea who Jeanne is talking about. “What ‘comrade in arms’???” Jeanne seems to sense that Comte is responding in earnest (but is also confused bc like, then who the fuck else turned the guy??? WHO IS THE THREAT I MUST STAB)

Jeanne admits that MC was attacked and you can feel the change in gravity in milliseconds. Comte starts asking where she is and if she’s okay, and Jeanne explains that she’s still in the mansion and she’s fine. Jeanne then asks if Shakespeare has the ability to turn people like he does, and Comte is bewildered to put it mildly. He’s like ??????? Where is this coming from, of course he doesn’t???? I turned him myself, he’s a lesser vampire--he doesn’t have that ability???? In a moment of sheer livid impatience, Jeanne grabs Comte by the lapels and screams “Then who can!?!?!?!” Comte stares at him and admits that there are only two people that he is aware of who can accomplish such a thing, himself and someone else. They hear a loud crash and they run to the dining room, only to find a window smashed, Mozart wounded, and MC gone. Comte’s furious sprite appears, and he asks Jeanne to look after MC, he has something to take care of. Isaac asks him where on earth he’s going, and he reveals that he’s going to Will’s house before storming out.

Poor Shakespeare faces the brunt of Comte’s rage--though I get the feeling, knowing now that Shakespeare is Vlad’s puppet--that the threat was meant more for Vlad than for Shakey boy. Comte goes to Shakey’s place and Shakespeare offers to put on tea or wine, says it’s strange for him to appear so late. Comte tells him not to bother, since he isn’t here to exchange pleasantries. Shakespeare seems p shocked given Comte isn’t usually one to be so direct or terse, and when Comte walks in he backs Shakespeare into the wall step. By step. By step. He asks him if he was involved in the harm done to MC, and Shakespeare’s like “Yeah lol what’s it to you.” And when their shoes are nearly touching, Comte grabs him by the throat and lifts him off the ground. He tells Shakespeare that if this goes on, he won’t show any mercy: "To those that would harm a single member of my house, I will hunt them to the ends of the earth. To the very depths of hell." The narration notes that he lets go of whatever dampens his pureblood aura and nearly suffocates Shakespeare with his raw intensity and power, before putting him down again and saying “That’s all I have to say. I have no more questions for you.” Comte walks right back out, slamming the door while Shakespeare is on the floor coughing. 

So, needless to say, things are hella rocky between Comte and Jeanne throughout the better part of the route. But given the odd dichotomy of Comte’s reactions (his complete acceptance of Jeanne’s fury versus his own anger being directed at Vlad), it definitely felt like there was more there. Everything finally comes full circle at the end when Comte gathers everyone inside the dining room to explain precisely what happened (Vlad, etc. I’m assuming) and asks everyone to take proper precautions moving forward: "I'll take steps to make sure this never happens again. But if we are faced with a similar situation, know that I am prepared to protect you all with every fiber of my being." He deems secrecy a moot point given this incident, and just wants everyone to be safe and ask for help should they need it in the future. 

MC notes that he doesn’t have his usual placid demeanor; he’s incredibly serious and grave. She’s like “Oh boy some serious shit went down huh...but if anything, I feel like it’s only made us have more faith in his ability to protect us c:” AND HERE IS WHERE THE BIG HURT HAPPENS KIDS GET YOUR TISSUES AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Jeanne: "...Alright. I will trust in your words. But can I ask just one thing?” Comte: “Yes, Jeanne?” Jeanne: "You know I always hated you, I truly believed you revived me against my will for a long time." Comte just sorta deflates, but he doesn’t say anything (MY POOR BABIE) Jeanne: "But, is that really the case? Did I want to live on, away from that pyre...?" [There was a long silence.] Comte: “...That day, when I appeared, you screamed desperately 'Why must I die here. Whether it be God or the devil, someone make use of me!'” Important note: Jeanne tells MC that he is able to recall thinking that, but he has no acute recollection of saying it; this is the moment at which he lost consciousness. MC: [;-; No matter how hard he tried to stifle it, it (his deep wish to live) came out all the same...] I wasn’t able to transcribe it, but Comte essentially tells him that he tried to ask Jeanne, but he was already barely hanging on--there was no way he could get a proper answer. (This is highly plausible given we know that Jeanne was incarcerated by the Inquisition, tortured, and starved before he was tied to that pyre--it was a miracle he lasted that long. He didn’t even have the strength to move/struggle from where he was tied). Comte goes on to say that Jeanne was pissed to shit when he woke up and there was little he could do to alleviate that (I mean given he was waiting for the sweet release of death it makes sense but also N O ;-;). For a while Jeanne just stares at him before asking: Jeanne: “...Why? Why didn’t you tell me after all this time?” Comte: "Because I thought it was okay if you berated me a little." Jeanne (vine voice: AMERICA EXPLAIN): ?????????? Comte: "Despite being alive...you looked dead to the world ever since the day we met. No matter how hard I tried or whatever I did, I couldn't seem to change that. But...the only emotion I seemed to be able to draw out of you was hate. If hatred was the only thing that could move you, I figured I'd take on that role. Better to see you express something than to see you lifeless beyond any glimmer of hope or change." Jeanne: "Why....why would you go that far?? Why did you bother? I don't...understand" BECAUSE HE HAS SO MUCH LOVE TO GIVE AND HE LOVES YOU I’M SOBBING ALL OVER AGAIN OKAY DEEP BREATHS THE SHOW MUST GO ON MINNIE Comte: "Because I'm the one that revived you...because to me, you're all my precious family." Jeanne: "...............................................................I...I'm sorry" AND JEANNE HANGS HIS HEAD WAAAAAAAAAAAH Comte’s brows rise: “...Jeanne?” Jeanne: "I know an apology doesn't forgive everything I did/said. But I don't know how else to make amends"

It goes on to show them all making amends, and while Jeanne can sometimes be like “ughghhghgh d a d stop nagging I’m fINE” he secretly really loves the guy. In Jeanne’s third bday story he’s literally like [Comte’s a weirdo but I see now that that's just how he cares abt me. He's not just worldly, he's a good guy. c: I just don’t care abt whatever he’s going on abt rn]

So like full disclosure before Jeanne’s route I still loved Comte but I really didn’t know much about him beyond the “eccentric nobleman persona.” Granted we definitely get glimpses into who he really is, but this was a sizeable breakthrough. (And probably a strong allusion to the release of Comte’s MS soon after.) That being said, there were so many things said here that just absolutely shattered my heart. 

Because here’s the thing. I have no qualms with Comte’s wish to be a dad--or even to revive the men, for that matter. If it makes him happy and he intends to take care of them reasonably well, then who am I to criticize him? (Fun fact: Leonardo essentially says the same exact thing; he’s more against it than I am because of the whole turning humans, but he doesn’t necessarily vilify Comte because he knows his intentions are good. And if everyone’s happy with it, what can he say?) But the fact that Comte handles their issues with so much patience and maturity...I’m in love???? There is sincerely nothing sexier than this for me. He’s fully aware that Jeanne was treated like absolute shit by the people he tried to protect, that he never really got to live for himself a single day in his life--never knew a moment’s peace, joy, or appreciation. He tries everything he can think of to get Jeanne to maybe not hate being alive as much, but fails at every turn. He still refuses to give up on the guy despite the less than ideal state of things, and decides that if Jeanne needs an enemy to survive--he will be that enemy. He doesn’t care that the guy he’s trying to help would skewer him the second he had his back turned (Jeanne pls this was a new suit couldn’t this wait). He takes full responsibility for deciding to turn him; knows that since he erred on the side of caution, it’s up to him to offer a life that’s worth keeping/staying alive for. He doesn’t belittle Jeanne’s plight for a moment, never deems him stupid or shortsighted. He’s able to understand that in the wake of so much pain and loss, of course Jeanne might not notice the finer points of Comte’s attempts to cheer him up. Even if it pains him to be on negative terms (HE LOVES HIS BOY HE DOESN’T WANT TO FIGHT) he will fully accept it if it brings Jeanne peace, if it helps Jeanne get to a place where he can begin to accept the affection he wants to offer.

And THAT’S what kills me, kids. Four hundred years, and Comte fucking LEARNED something. He is perceptive to uncanny degrees, and never fails to read a room in milliseconds; not only does he pick up on how people feel, he responds with appropriate, gentle measures. What I love so much about Comte is that he knows full well that genius does not come without its price. You could be the smartest person on earth, the most talented, whatever you choose to call it, but it will invite no shortage of hatred from other people, no shortage of misunderstanding and disdain and violence. If people don’t go mad with power, they are destroyed by the very places that birthed them. As such, the last thing he wants to do is put them under more pressure, or force them to do things against their will; he just wants to give them a chance to live beyond such fickle and hostile circumstances. And he takes this seriously, this isn’t remotely a whim for him despite all evidence to the contrary. He gets that healing takes time, and as much as he wants everyone to be happy he’s more than willing to give them space/resources to figure it out. Like. He is the father everybody DREAMS they had (if they didn’t already have a good one) and the fact that I can’t tell him what a wonderful job he’s doing is killing me on all levels INCLUDING physical.

And I just?????? Jeanne’s palpable remorse when he finds out????? And Comte’s surprise???????? Like Comte wasn’t necessarily expecting that level of apology, he knew he was taking a gamble and he was ready to do whatever he had to, he wasn’t intending to hold it against his boy. But Jeanne just has such a tender and well-meaning heart (no matter how much he struggles to express it) that regret was inevitable. There’s just so much love in that moment, in Comte’s capacity to forgive and take on so much of poor Jeanne’s unhappiness, and Jeanne’s fully ability to admit he was misguided, lower his head, and apologize. THEY JUST GET ME BLUBBERING LIKE A THREE YEAR OLD OKAY THEY ARE BOTH SO IMPORTANT TO ME AND I HURT

Tl;dr: JEANNE’S ROUTE SHOT ME FORTY-SEVEN TIMES IN THE CHEST AND LEFT ME PINING FOR COMTE MORE THAN EVER BEFORE OTL

Also a bonus, because it only just occurred to me (spoilers from the end of Comte’s route):

THEY HAVE A LEGIT REVERSAL AT THE END OF COMTE’S ROUTE???? Comte once again gathers everyone to reveal Vlad’s identity and intentions, and he apologizes for keeping it from everyone, lowering his head. He’s more than ready to face everyone’s ire for keeping secrets, but everyone’s just like “dad pls lift your head it’s okay, we’re just glad we can help you now--you don’t have to carry it all on your own.” AND IT IS IN FACT, JEANNE, THAT ALSO SAYS “No need to bow like that Comte, aren't you the one always saying we're family?" AND WHEN I TELL YOU I WAS IN A PUDDLE OF TEARS?????? I WILL NEVER BE OKAY. POOR COMTE WAS SO MOVED AND MY HEART CAN’T TAKE HAVING THIS KNOWLEDGE WHERE’S MY HANKIE. JEANNE. BEING THE ONE. TO SAY. “Aren’t we family?” WHEN HEARING HOW HARD COMTE WAS WORKING TO PROTECT THEM, BC HE 100% IDENTIFIES WITH THE STRUGGLE OF LOOKING AFTER PEOPLE THAT DON’T KNOW/CARE THAT SOMEBODY ELSE IS THE SACRIFICE FOR THEIR PEACE OF MIND. I--

WHAT IS IT THAT JEANNE AND COMTE SHARE TO THE CORE, SO MUCH THAT JEANNE WOULD NEED NO OTHER EXPLANATION TO CHANGE HIS MIND AFTER YEARS OF BITTER DISDAIN???????? THEIR CAPACITY FOR DEVOTION, THEIR EASY WILLINGNESS TO SACRIFICE ANYTHING TO PROTECT A LIFE. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA THIS EPIPHANY IS GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME

I’m crying rn I just: Comte: !!!!!!! Somebody who gets it!!! :DDD Jeanne: die. Comte:  Comte: ;-; understandable have a nice day

[heresathreebee]

Dirty Water

Benny 'Borracho' Magalon x Robyn Banks (Black!OC)

Summary: Robb met a couple of shady characters calling themselves cops. Well it just so happens they are, and they're worse than she first thought.

Masterlist

Word count: 2.5k words

Rating/Warning(s): +16 Mature | kidnapping, mild torture, tied up, wanna be clear: IRL I do not condone hooking up with a person who kidnapped you or was complicit in kidnapping you, it just don't work out like that in reality

AN: so basically I'm gonna write and post this in whatever order I please, then go back and figure it out later. Since my brain has jumped back on the Pascal bandwagon, it's hard to focus outside of his body of work but I'm still coming back to this story with relative ease.

Just when she'd started to warm up again, a another shower of ice cold mop water was pitched over her head. Robyn sputtered and coughed, trying not to swallow the suds in her mouth or let them see her cry to keep the dirt out of her eyes. From the shadows that danced beyond her eyelids, she could tell the alleged cop who called himself Nick was crouching in front of her. 

"Last chance, sweetheart," the dirty cop said. "Tell me how you know Tony D'Onofrio." 

Fuck. 

Seven years ago, two federal agents walked in on officer Robyn Banks being sentenced to traffic duty. She didn't mind– she was fed up with the secrets her colleagues were forcing her to keep anyways. Maybe stepping down could help her clear her head, maybe give her time to compartmentalize those events and feelings. Only now could she say that the rest of her career was already out of her hands. 

"Those agents on that file? They approached me about D'Onofrio. Said he was my moby dick. Made a big deal about 'justice' and 'law and order' and 'the sanctity of the badge." Robyn spit more mop water onto the floor and continued, "I told them I didn't know what the fuck it had to do with me and they just sorta looked at each other." 

The blond man– Nick called him Z, she thinks– crossed his arms. "Quit jerkin us around, Banks, get to the fucking point." 

Nick held up a hand. "Easy, tiger. I asked for a story and that's what I'm hearing. Keep going, Robbie." 

Robyn scowled on the inside. "They told me he was my father. More like a sperm donor than anything, he probably didn't even know I was alive." 

"Now that is interesting," Nick purred. 

He cut the zip tie binding her arm to the rolly chair and handed her a towelette to wipe her eyes. She dared not reach for the tie on her other arm, lest her captors think she's pulling a move to escape. Instead she dabbed the sweat and mop water that soaked into the skin of her neck and face to pause and think about her next words. 

"That was the basis of the deal. I join their investigation undercover, see if I can get somewhere with my connection, and help them put one of the biggest crime bosses on this side of the coast away for good. In exchange, I get to call the shots, they'd put in a good word with my CO and elevate me to detective status instead of beat cop." 

"Thought you liked being a beat cop," the one in the silk flamingo shirt said. 

"Apparently nobody believes that." 

"So," Nick steepled his fingers beneath his aquiline nose in thought, "your end of the deal wasn't even your idea? How does that work?" 

"Sounds like she got something else out of it," the bald man in the white polo accused. 

Robyn glared at him, but she didn't contradict him. If she wanted to be listened to, she needed to stay calm. Stay calm, stay alive. Go home with the minimal amount of PTSD. 

"Do you want me to tell you what happened or not?" When nobody raised any more objections, she continued. "I agreed to their terms. Next I know, I'm climbing the criminal ladder, dropping bread crumbs about my parentage, two years goes by, yada yada yada, and then bam. I have a meeting with the heir apparent to the Italian mafia. 

"At that meeting I told Tony D'Onofrio he knew my mother and that I knew they had been dating around the time I was born–" 

"Conceived–" 

"Yeah that– he stared at me for so long I forgot how to breathe and then… he… believed me." 

A pin dropped somewhere in the empty parking garage. A dog barked wildly a mile away but could still be heard in the silence that followed. Robyn still couldn't believe he'd bought it either. 

"He just… believed you," Nick said skeptically. 

Robyn could do nothing but shrug. "I never got the details, I couldn't ask my mom about it and Tony never gave me any indication that he knew about me before that meeting. He just asked me what I wanted and did it." 

Nick dragged his eyes over her form, shivering and glistening, and then-- "what did you ask him?" 

Robyn felt her eyes gloss over as she tried to remember what mysterious force compelled her to say the exact right words. "I told him all I wanted was for him to know, to see him with my own eyes and know he was real. I said I didn't need any favors or special treatment. I just needed some closure." 

That was all. And the agents had been fucking furious with her. They had accused her of using them, of being a traitor and a spy for D'Onofrio or a mastermind cat-woman type villain and all manner of other terrible things. They were ready to pull the plug on the whole operation when Tony had offered her a better job. A job where she would come face- to- face with every schmoe on Tony's payroll. 

"Tony offered me a job 'running errands.' Not quite in his inner circle but higher in his ranks than I had any business being," Robyn said. "Most of the people doing these jobs were kids, easy to get around the city undetected and reliable. Now he knew I wasn't a kid but I guess he wanted to see more from me, put his best eyes on me to see if I was legit." 

Nick nodded and stood up (his knees popping like broken branches). He walked over to Murphy in the flamingo shirt and passed a few inaudible words between them. Robyn wasn't skilled in the art of lip reading, and failed to catch anything from Murphy except the word 'pointless.' It rubbed her the wrong way, sending a spark of fear through her that quickly dulled back into the numbness of being helplessly bound to a chair. She needed to finish this soon before she completely cracked. 

Nick returned to her side, chasing some pepto bismol with a flask of what smelled like tequila in it. "That's a very sweet story, Robbie, really it is. But… what I wanna know is why you're not in this file." 

"That's not what you asked me," she griped, then backpedaled into, "I'm trying to tell you why I'm not in the file. But in order to tell you that, I have to tell you what was left out of the file first. I'm getting to the point, I just… there's a lot of shit to sift through." 

Nick nodded like a patient father (yeah, right). "Just the good parts then." 

"Yeah," she nodded quickly, "just the good parts..." 

"The good parts, uhm. Well he did learn to trust me. I barely had to do anything just… let him try to kindle a relationship between us. I started calling him dad at his request, nobody bothered me or questioned me after that and I didn't abuse it, expect on the downlow giving info to the feds. He liked that about me– he liked me. We'd talk about my mom and he'd let his guard slip, started taking me to his meetings and asking me to deliver his important paperwork." 

"I let him think I was with him and documented everything I could for six more years." In truth, she had had some doubts. About putting him away and the vacuum of power it would create, about the dichotomy of good versus evil, about her career. In that last year, she had actually warmed to the idea of becoming a detective and getting to do work with her own moral backbone and not someone else's. "We made the arrest January 19th and put him away for a dime." 

Nick leaned so far forward in his chair Rob had to lean back. "This is the part where you wrap it up, sweetcheeks." 

Robyn gulped. "Gomer and Valentine pushed me out. They'd been acting really strange at the end, wearing these shit eating grins and looking at each other, and then they iced me out. Had me fired on the grounds that I was too close to the perp, used a fucking Christmas photo for evidence. There went the Italian mob's heir and seven years of hardwork, and I wouldn't even be mentioned by name in the case file. No testimony, no credit, just a dishonorable discharge and dumped on my ass in the streets." 

"Wow." Nick rubbed a hand down his face like he was the exhausted one. "That's quite the story, princess." 

He looked at each of his mates, every face stonier than the last. Especially the silent one's, the latino guy. Then he looked back at Robyn and smiled with a lot of teeth. 

"I do have some questions though, if you'll let me." Sure like I have a choice. "Now it wasn't public knowledge you were in on the investigation, but I find it hard to believe your dad's lackeys didn't know it was you who turned him in. And what I find even harder to believe is that they'd let you live for it." 

Robyn said nothing. There was a part of her that didn't quite grasp it either. When she had arrested him, when she'd slapped the cuffs on him herself and read him his Miranda rights, after the shock of her betrayal wore off, Tony had congratulated her. 

"I'm proud of you, kid. You may be a narc but at least you got your head straight. You got guts, kid." 

As far as she understood it, his last order as the leader of the mafia was not to harm her in any way. Nobody bothered her. They still knew her face on the streets, sent glares her way but never touched her. One of his underlings had come to her place and suggested she skip town permanently just to be safe. It was not a courtesy she ever expected from anyone let alone a man with a reputation for high profile robbery and murder. 

She didn't know what to expect. "I guess he really did love me." And Nick left it at that. 

~

Robyn was unbound, blindfolded, and dumped right back onto the street those so called cops had snatched her from. Her legs shook as she walked the last block to her place, utterly miserable and in desperate need of some sleep. Maybe tomorrow she could figure out what the fuck her life had come to. She showered (and cried) and picked up the half drunk beer from her fridge and brought it out on her front steps, taking a sip of the flat beverage and wishing it was something stronger. 

People passed below her on the streets, never once looking up. The traffic never disappeared but it did lull this time of night. She didn't mean to– barely noticed she was doing it– but she found a pack of cigarettes in her overcoat and lit one up. 

"Next time," she promised herself. I'll try to quit next time. 

Just as she was beginning to ease the tension that had been weighing on her all night, a man climbed the steps to her building and pointedly slowed down to a stop a few feet away from her. She chanced a glare at him and found him no stranger which was somehow infinitely worse. 

"Fuck off," her nerves got the better of her, "I told you everything, can't I at least get some sleep first?!" 

The man lifted his hands in defense, carrying a bottle in a brown bag in one of them. He was, well, he was the handsome one. The Cuban with the neck tattoo and broad shoulders. His eyes seemed a lot softer now Despite the dark setting. 

"Swear on my life, I'm not here for Nick." He took a single step up, waiting to see how she'd react, and when she didn't run, he took another and set the covered bottle down next to her before backing off. Still skeptical, Robyn carefully unwrapped the thing, revealing an expensive looking wine label. Dark red. "It's an apology," he explained with his hands in his pockets, "Nick thinks he's this big, clever actor but he can be a real bully when he drinks." 

Robyn gave him the 'do I look like an idiot' eyebrow and he had the decency to look at his feet. "We could really use your help with this, Banks. Nick forgot to mention the part where Tony was put on parole for good behavior. He'll be out tomorrow." 

"He what." That's just the thing isn't it? The case that ended her career permanently and he just got to walk off after only serving two years of his sentence. That was the real crime here. Robyn gritted her teeth, gripped the neck of the bottle and squeezed. She started shaking it like it was her criminal father, or the weasel federal agents who took her credit, or the dirty cops who kidnapped her tonight. 

Borracho looked concerned. "Do you need a corkscrew or– " 

Robyn shrugged off her jacket and looked him dead in the eye as she wrapped it around the base of the bottle and gently banged it on the porch step until the cork exploded into the air (along with a third of the bottle's contents but whatever). Borracho raised a hand to protect his face from the spray, and turned away to hide a silly grin. 

"Nevermind," he said, shaking the excess drink off his hand. "Listen, if he calls you about anything, please let us know." 

He pointed to the bag, which had a phone number on it. "Don't let your work be in vain." 

"You try that line on everybody?" Rob was feeling a little facetious in the face of mercy, over tired from the revelations, and pissed off by these fucking pigs. "Your good cop, bad cop routine needs some balance. Did you know I was kidnapped today? Now this wine is a start but you'd better step it up, good cop." 

He started to walk away but she called out, "I got Nick, Z, and Murphy. Clocked 'Gus' by the name written on his underwear. Which one are you?" 

"Benny," he threw back, and disappeared into the nighttime traffic. 

"Benny," Rob scoffed. "Cute ass." 

Robb drank the equivalent of two glasses, then passed out from exhaustion. She slept dreamlessly and tried to forget last night had ever happened. Benny, in the meantime, returned to the office where his crew was huddled around a phone receiver. 

"Don't appreciate you throwing me under the bus, B," Nick growled from his seat. 

"Shup up and drink this," Benny pushed the glass of raw eggs closer to his boss' hand, a so called 'hangover cure'. Nick shrunk back a little.

"Told you she'd be sweet on him," Z elbowed Murphy in the ribs and ignored his protesting 'um actually I said that.' 

"Wouldn't call her sweet," Benny said, grunting as he took up residence at his own desk. "She looked like a feral cat." 

Nick laughed. "Yeah well don't go getting mixed up with that pussy, B, we've got work to do." 

It was gonna be another long night for everybody. 

[troped-fanfic-challenge]

The Master List of the Fall 2k19 Chopped: The 100 Fanfic Challenge!

Thanks so much to everyone who participated in this second run of our Chopped Challenge! We are so excited that this fun little idea that we got from @chants-de-lune took off and was such a success (TWICE)! We had someone write their first ever fic for us this time, which is just insane, and we had so many creative and exciting fics that were a thrill to read. We hope you guys had as much fun writing and reading these fics as we did, and we hope you’ll join us if we decide to give this another go in the future! Enjoy these fics, and a big thanks again from both of us! @thelittlefanpire @dylanobrienisbatman

The Master List of the Spring 2k19 Challenge can be found here!

Round 1: Canon Divergence Fics

Tropes:

1. Somebody lives...or somebody dies

2. Sunsets

3. Protectiveness

4. A dichotomy

small dot among infinite stars (Rated T) [Bellamy/Clarke] @kindclaws

Dante is painting in his office when they enter, his movements carrying the gentle tremble of old age. Doesn’t even look up when the door shuts behind them, just says hello in that wispy, scratchy old man voice and keeps staring at his canvas.

“We’ve got some bad news,” Clarke says, steeling herself.

“You are bad news,” Dante says. Underneath the agreeable tone there is something bitter and curdling. Dante may have pulled the trigger that stopped Cage Wallace, but Clarke isn’t surprised that he blames them for it.

“The world is ending again,” Bellamy says.

“Unfortunate that it likes to do that,” Dante says. When he keeps painting, Clarke fantasizes about taking the paintbrush and stabbing him with it.

- or, Dante Wallace shoots his son. Clarke doesn’t irradiate Mount Weather. Months later, ALIE warns her a nuclear winter is coming, and suddenly, that act of mercy means everything.

1st Place Best Overall, 1st Place Canon Divergence Theme, 1st Place Somebody Lives/Dies Trope, 1st Place Protectiveness Trope, 3rd Place Sunsets Trope, 1st Place Dichotomy Trope Winner

can we pretend? (Rated T) [Clarke/Murphy] @probably-voldemort

Murphy’s not exactly sure how he went from laying low to fake dating Clarke so they have an excuse for sneaking around Mount Weather, but that seems to be where his life is at right now.

3rd Place Best Overall, 2nd Place Tie Dichotomy Trope, 3rd Place Most Unique Pairing Winner

your voice is like a ghost inside my head (Rated T) [Bellamy & Octavia] @loveislarryislove

“I bear it so they don’t have to,” Clarke said when she left. But Bellamy has to.

~*~*~

“How do you bear it?” Bellamy asks.

“What?”

“You were there too,” Bellamy says. “You helped us. We pulled the trigger, but you put the weapon in our hands. Don’t you feel…” He doesn’t know how to finish that sentence. He doesn’t know how Monty feels. Only that it doesn’t seem to be a fraction of what he’s feeling. Or if it is, he hides it better.

Monty is quiet for a long time. “I guess,” he says at last, “I just figure… we do what we have to. And then… we have to keep moving. Keep living. Because otherwise, what was it all for?” He shrugs, though it feels like his shoulders are heavy with it. “I did what I did. You did what you did. Now we’re here.”

Here. Monty says it like it’s simple. We’re here. But Bellamy has never felt more lost.

3rd Place Somebody Lives/Dies Trope, 2nd Place Proctectiveness Trope Winner

Survival Instinct (Rated T)  [Clarke & Murphy] @justbecauseyoubelievesomething

The sunset was a deeper red than she remembered, as if Praimfaya had reached out into space and curled its fiery fingers around the sun itself. Clarke shivered despite herself and realized that it was cold. The sun was going down and she was alone on a radiation-soaked planet. Alone and alive.

“Murphy.” The name left her lips involuntarily. And then she was running away from the lab before her brain caught up. If the nightblood worked and she survived, Murphy survived too.

Not alone.

2nd Place Best Overall, 2nd Place Sunsets Trope, 2nd Place Tie Dichotomy Trope, 3rd Place Best Platonic Relationship Winner

the brave not broken girl (Rated T) [Raven & Anya] @dylanobrienisbatman

Raven wakes up dazed and incoherent, and then she wakes up again, and finds herself in Mt. Weather. But an extremely ill man, a little detective work… and some vomit.. put her on the path to trying to save the grounders trapped in the mountain. All she has to do is get Anya to Lexa.

3rd Place Tie Protectiveness Trope, 2nd Place Tie Most Unique Pairing Winner

Turning of the Tides (Rated G) [Clarke & Anya] @she-who-the-river-could-not-hold

So much of Clarke’s life since landing on Earth has not gone according to plan. Most recently? Being captured by the Mountain and not being able to rescue her friends to escape with her. Least planned of all though is the unlikely partnership she forms with Anya kom Trikru. Grounder Princess versus Sky People Princess. They form a tentative alliance after proving themselves to each other, but then that’s when things continue to derail. When Anya is shot, Clarke has to scramble to keep their tentative truce alive (as well as Anya), so that they can take on the mountain.

Baptism//Resurrection (Rated T) [Echo & Roan] @kuklash

If the last moments of the final conclave had gone differently.

This is the first fic I’ve ever written, so any notes, comments, etc. would be appreciated!

3rd Place Dichotomy Trope, 2nd Place Best Platonic Relationship Winner

The Last Living Tree (Rated T) [Jasper/Monty] @kinetic-elaboration

He rubs at his eyes with the back of his fist, stifles a yawn, and forces himself to focus on the blurry object above, until the last scrim of sleep has been blinked away and he sees it, at least, clear. A little drone, hovering in the air over their bed.

3rd Place Canon Divergence Theme, 2nd Place Somebody Lives/Dies Trope, 1st Place Sunsets Trope Winner

tangerine skies and cherry earth (Rated T) [Murphy & Luna] @ hopskipaway

Survival has always been the word John Murphy lives his life by. He thought that this would have given him an advantage when the end of the world came and flipped their lives upside down.

Turns out, like with most things, he was wrong.

1st Place Most Unique Pairing Winner

Just say you love me (Rated G) [Jasper & Monty] @raven-reyes-of-sunshine

Monty finds Jasper when he's only drunk half the tea.

3rd Place Tie Protectiveness Trope, 1st Place Best Platonic Relationship Winner

Bunker Down (Rated G) [Monty/Harper] @hostagetakerandhistraitor

Monty, Harper, Murphy, Emori, and Miller set out to Polis in hopes of finding a bunker to shelter humanity from Praimfaya. Takes place midseason 4.

a civil twilight (Rated T) [Clarke/Bellamy/Josephine/Gabriel] @thelittlefanpire

“It’s funny how your deepest fears can be your deepest desires, too,” the words fall from Clarke’s lips, but it’s not Clarke who speaks them. The voice is airy and lighter than Clarke’s normal cadence.

“Josephine?” Clarke asks aloud. Her throat feels scratchy, but her voice works. Everything comes rushing forward as her body heals and her mind snaps back into focus.

“Ah, just in time for a Sanctum sunset, my love,” Josephine croons towards Gabriel. The hand Clarke wanted to use to comfort Bellamy, reaches out for Gabriel’s arm instead. Her body pulls away from where she was sitting between Bellamy’s legs.

“Jo—,” Gabriel’s voice breaks as he reaches for her face. He cradles Clarke’s head between his large brown hands. He’s soft and gentle, holding her like she might dissolve into smoke.

“How the hell is this possible?” Bellamy’s voice is loud in her ear, right behind her. Clarke pulls away easily from the other man to look back at him.

final journey to the ground (Rated T) [Lincoln & Bellamy] @shen-gong-oops

Bellamy Blake is sent to Earth a little over a year before one hundred delinquents who inadvertently start a war.

2nd Place Canon Divergence Theme, 2nd Place Tie Most Unique Pairing Winner

oh, if the sky comes falling down, for you there's nothing in this world I wouldn't do (Rated G) [Linctavia, Octavia & Bellamy] @queen--sansastark

“You shot him?”

“Not fatally, but it was a good distraction.”

“You’re developing quite the habit.”

“I guess I have."

What if Bellamy had made the right choice back in season 3?

———

Round 2: Canon Speculation Fics

Tropes:

1. One character is a ghost

2. Joke kiss turns serious

3. A character is eavesdropping, and their presence is revealed 

4. Characters struggling to talk because they’re crying or laughing

i will take your pain (and put it on my heart) (Rated T) [Clarke/Murphy] @probably-voldemort

Clarke didn't completely know how comas worked, but she was pretty Murphy's ghost showing up in her living room wasn't normal.

4th Place Tie Best Overall, 1st Place Most Unique Speculation Winner

no one calls you honey (when you're sitting on a throne) (Rated T) [Clarke/Raven] @kindclaws

“It would have been easier if you died in Praimfaya,” Raven confesses, when it is dark and no one is supposed to awake.

Clarke hears.

2nd Place Best Overall, 2nd Place Canon Speculation Theme, 3rd Place Ghost Trope, 1st Place Eavesdropping Trope, 2nd Place Struggling to Talk Trope, 3rd Place Most Unique Pairing, 2nd Place Tie Most Unique Speculation Winner

Why Can't I Get Just One Kiss? (Rated T) [Raven/Wick, Jasper/Raven] @kuklash

Jasper tumbled through the shelf behind Raven with as much grace as one could expect of an alcoholic three bottles deep.

“Oh, shit,” Jasper slurred. “You guys continue on with your extremely private conversation. I’ll just keep looking for booze.”

Raven, face red with anger and embarrassment, turned to face Jasper.

“Jasper! You idiot! Why didn’t you say something to let me know you were here?!” Raven shouted.

Wick, exacerbated, rolled his eyes and mumbled something under his breath.

Raven turned towards him, enraged.

“Do you want to repeat that?”

“Oh, that’s a trap, dude,” Jasper murmured.

5th Place Best Overall, 3rd Place Kiss Trope, 3rd Place Eavesdropping Trope, 2nd Place Tie Most Unique Speculation Winner

snow faintly falling through the universe (Rated T) [Echo/Roan, Bellamy/Raven, Bellamy/Echo] @justbecauseyoubelievesomething

The floor under her bare toes suddenly feels too cold. Once, after her cover was blown, she was forced to run three miles in the utter blackness of a winter night, without the chance to grab her boots and cloak first. It took many hours for the feeling to come back to her iced over feet by the time she was able to find safe shelter. Now the cold seeps up through the soles of her feet in the same way, chill spreading through every bone in her body.

“My king, forgive me…”

“Echo kom Azgeda. Will you die for your king?”

She trembles, swaying back and forth just enough so that her forehead bumps the window with each movement. “If you would give me more time… a chance to die fighting again…”

He is gone almost before the words have left her mouth. She wishes with all her heart that she could cry again, but the tears simply won’t fall. The pain merely coils into a knot low in her stomach and waits.

1st Place Best Overall, 1st Place Canon Speculation Theme, 1st Place Ghost Trope, 1st Place Kiss Trope, 2nd Place Eavesdropping Trope, 1st Place Struggling to Talk Trope Winner

When the Map Runs Out (Rated T) [Clarke/Echo] @kinetic-elaboration

In a cabin on the edge of a small Azgedan village, on the shortest day of the year, Clarke and Echo play a game of truth or dare.

3rd Place Best Overall, 3rd Place Struggling to Talk Trope, 1st Place Most Unique Pairing Winner

the hundred (Rated T) [the delinquents & hope, s7 spec] @thelittlefanpire

One hundred juvenile delinquents were sent to Earth to see if it was survivable. The fate of humanity depended on their success.

As the green smoke of the Anomaly settled, Bellamy Blake had a feeling that he was a long way away from where he was supposed to be. But the Universe had a way to set him back on the right path.

All Bellamy had to do was gather up the hundred.

3rd Place Canon Speculation Theme Winner

An ode to the last child on earth (Rated T) [madi & madi’s parents, pre-canon] @shen-gong-oops

“They spent so long trying to prevent losing Madi that they never anticipated Madi losing them.”

A brief take on Madi’s life prior to Pramfiya

4th Place Tie Best Overall, 2nd Place Most Unique Pairing Winner

stop staring straight through me (Rated G) [bellamy/murphy, s7 spec] hopskipaway 

Bellamy Blake had been through enough in his life that he thought a fresh start sounded like exactly what he needed.

What he didn’t expect was his fresh start requiring a great deal of ghosts from his past. Figuratively and literally.

3rd Place Most Unique Speculation Winner

Confetti (Rated G) [costia/lexa, pre-canon] @dylanobrienisbatman

The cold of a blade… and darkness. That’s the last thing she remembers before she wakes to find herself, 5 years old, running into her mother’s arms… and then herself on the day she met lexa… and then… and then…

So… this must be what happens when you die.

2nd Place Ghost Trope, 2nd Place Kiss Trope Winner

———

Round 3: Modernised Canon Fics

Tropes:

1. Magic AU

2. character being all “you expect me to do X?” And then immediately hard cut to character doing X

3. Secret places

4. Sex Pollen/Love Potion/Magical Obession

time cast a spell on you but you won't forget me (Rated M) [Bellamy/Clarke] - @captaindaddykru​

Miss Pramheda’s Orphanage for Extraordinary Girls once flourished, a home to a hundred girls with mysterious gifts. A hundred girls and Bellamy.

That was all before Clarke left. Before Josephine Lightbourne decided she was a better fit to be the Supreme, and Octavia decided to runaway with her warlock boyfriend.

Bellamy decided to stay, take care of remaining girls who had nowhere else to go. They were all orphans after all, like him. It was hard, on his own. Especially considering the coven had no real leadership now. He had no powers. He was no one. Just somebody willing to take care of these girls. On his worst days, he’d remind himself that’s more than they’ve ever had before.

Nowadays, the place is a wasteland. The hallways empty, rooms untouched, furniture collecting dust. A ghost of what it used to be.

Nowadays, there’s less than two dozen girls around. Most of them dead, gone in hiding, or worse.

The last person he expected to show back up at their door was Clarke.

Written for Chopped: The 100 Fanfic Challenge - Round 3: Modernized Canon. A take on Hakeldama.

5th Place Best Overall, 3rd Place Halloween Trope, 2nd Place Best Smut Winner

If It Takes You, Will It Break You? (Rated M) [Bellamy/Clarke] - @she-who-the-river-could-not-hold​ 

Bellamy and Clarke, past classmates who distanced themselves from each other, are two stubborn witches in need of an escape from their homes. They hadn't planned on running into each other, but it seems like fate had other ideas. Their night takes a turn though when after consuming some of Monty and Jasper's jobi nut brownies, they run into an old enemy of Bellamy's. In between hallucinations and fights, they'll discover that old feelings do die hard.

A modernized, magical take on Day Trip for Chopped: The 100 Round 3.

6th Place Best Overall, 1st Place Modernised Canon Theme, 3rd Place Magic Trope, 3rd Place Sex Pollen/Love Potion Trope Winner

the end of the world as we know it (and i feel fine) (Rated T) [Murphy/Emori] - @probably-voldemort

John Murphy was going to bring about the apocalypse if it was the last thing he did. And, really, with the apocalypse and all, there was a high chance it would be.

But what a glorious way to go out, with fire and chaos and probably zombies.

That’d teach Bellamy to stop telling him what to do.

3rd Place Best Overall, 2nd Place Magic Trope, 3rd Place Hard Cuts Trope, 3rd Place Secret Places Trope, 1st Place Sex Pollen/Love Potion Trope, 1st Place Tie Halloween Trope Winner

when nothing's right, you shine a light (Rated T) [Murphy/Raven] - hopskipaway

He has seen enough horror movies to know this trip will be nothing but trouble; it's a group of friends travelling to stay in a remote house in the woods for Halloween weekend, what could go wrong?

Or; maybe he might find that it is, in fact, possible for something good to happen to John Murphy.

4th Place Best Overall, 3rd Place Tie Modernised Canon Theme, 1st Place Hard Cuts Trope, 2nd Place Secret Places Trope, 2nd Place Halloween Trope, 3rd Place Most Unique Pairing Winner

pulled by the tide (and falling for you) (Rated M) [Bellamy/Clarke] - @thelittlefanpire

After a huge storm, two unlikely companions set out to uncover the lost treasure of a legendary shipwreck. They both have secret motives for the hunt, but the day trip will bring them closer together in unexpected ways.

2nd Place Hard Cuts Trope Winner

Bellamy Blake's Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse (Rated E) [Bellamy/Clarke] - @shen-gong-oops

He wasn't saying Becca Franco started the zombie apocalypse, but Becca Franco started the zombie apocalypse.

Or the one where Bellamy tries to keep himself and six other people alive during a zombie outbreak. And grumbles about magic.

1st Place Best Overall, 3rd Place Tie Modernised Canon Theme, 1st Place Magic Trope, 1st Place Secret Places Trope, 1st Place Tie Halloween Trope, 3rd Place Best Smut Winner

Exiles (Rated M) [Murphy/Raven] - @kinetic-elaboration

John Murphy didn't kill the girl himself, but he's the reason she's dead. Raven’s heard the story often enough: Arcadia’s only murder, only suicide, only banishment. So when she finds Murphy sitting outside the gate, coughing up fire, she doesn’t feel bad for him at all.

2nd Place Best Overall, 2nd Place Modernised Canon Theme, 2nd Place Most Unique Pairing Winner

munuð (Rated E) [Emori/Echo] - @dylanobrienisbatman

When Echo and Emori finally find a group of Hedges willing to offer them a place after the Library takes control, to say they were a little sceptical would be an understatement. They play the roll, but something feels off. When Emori discovers a dark secret, it takes every bit of their wits to get out of it with their lives.

2nd Place Sex Pollen/Love Potion Trope, 1st Place Most Unique Pairing, 1st Place Best Smut Winner

———

Round 4: Championship Fics

Tropes:

1. Reincarnation

2. Soulmates

3. Forehead Touches

4. Free Space

snow white stitching up the circuit boards (Rated T) [Bellamy/Clarke] @kindclaws

"Where have you been? Your soulmate filed a missing person's report."

"I don't really remember anything," Clarke says, and it scares her that it doesn't feel like a lie.

{WAKE UP}

3rd Place Best Overall, 1st Place Most Unique Time Periods, 3rd Place Reincarnation Trope, 3rd Place Soulmates Trope, 2nd Place Free Space Trope Winner

what we feel (started way before we ever touched) (Rated M) [Murphy/Clarke] @probably-voldemort

In every life, they're drawn to the ocean. Again and again, over and over. And in every life, one way or another, the ocean brings them together.

Most Unique Pairing, 2nd Place Tie Most Unique Time Periods, 1st Place Reincarnation Trope, 2nd Place Tie Soulmates Trope Winner

Eons With You (Rated G) [Bellamy/Clarke] @she-who-the-river-could-not-hold

A simple touch can change someone’s path. Clarke Griffin and Bellamy Blake circle each other throughout history, their lives intertwined by fate. In some lives they come together easily, in others societal taboos hold them back. And in others, the blame falls on themselves. No matter the obstacles though, destiny has its own plan for them no matter where they are or what era they belong to.

A collection of soulmate vignettes and tales of two people unable to stay apart.

2nd Place Best Overall, 2nd Place Tie Most Unique Time Periods, 2nd Place Tie Soulmates Trope, 2nd Place Forehead Touches Trope Winner

Vera Lynn sang it best (Rated T) [Bellamy/Clarke] @shen-gong-oops

Don’t know when, don’t know where, but I know we’ll meet again some sunny day - We'll Meet Again, Vera Lynn.

Legend says that if you were lucky enough to be born with a soulmate, you’ll never truly die. You and your other half will be reborn countless times. But a person never truly knows if someone was their soulmate. At least, not until the heartbeat on their wrist flat lines.

Guess who is such a mess this week that they deleted their fic because they thought they did it wrong?

1st Place Tie Forehead Touches Trope Winner

light of uncreated fires (Rated T) [Bellamy/Clarke] @justbecauseyoubelievesomething

“How?”

“How what?” he stuttered.

“How do we recognize each other? In every life? In every new body? You said it’s impossible.”

Bellamy stared at her, her eyes still wet and cheeks flushed. “I don’t know.”

3rd Place Most Unique Soulmate Idea, 3rd Place Most Unique Time Periods, 3rd Place Forehead Touches Trope, 3rd Place Free Space Trope Winner

 Compost in Training, Graves Left to Fill (Rated T) [Murphy/Emori] @kuklash

As he unlocked his car, he heard the familiar click of a gun cocking.

“Hi there, stud.” A woman’s voice. “You know, you’re not the person I was planning on robbing tonight, but I guess cash is cash.”

“You aren’t gonna shoot me,” Murphy insisted, as he started to turn around.

It was difficult for Murphy to know which came first; the sound or the pain. The last thing he saw was the girl’s face, unflinching in her brutality, as she leaned over his body to reach his wallet. The last thought Murphy had was of how strikingly beautiful her face tattoo was.

1st Place Most Unique Soulmate Idea, 1st Place Free Space Trope Winner

you open the door to another door to another door to another door to another door and i'm running through to you (Rated T) (Bellamy/Clarke] @captaindaddykru

Murphy is dead-set on causing the apocalypse that finally destroys planet earth once and for all.

If only Clarke Griffin and her fucking soulmate wouldn't throw a wrench in his plans every goddamn time, thank you very much.

1st Place Best Overall, 2nd Place Most Unique Soulmate Idea, 2nd Place Tie Most Unique Time Periods, 2nd Place Reincarnation Trope, 1st Place Soulmates Trope, 1st Place Tie Forehead Touches Trope Winner

The Butterflies (Rated T) [Octavia/Lincoln] @queen--sansastark

It was as though the universe kept trying to tell her something. Every time she felt the butterflies, it was because of him, and him only.

Take a read! Leave a kudos/comment! These fics are so unique and fun and the authors worked so hard on them. Thanks so much!

[chelseawolfemusic]

Chelsea Wolfe Interview / Cover Story // Revolver

Full feature via REVOLVER

Chelsea Wolfe has escaped into the woods and she's not about to come back. You'll find the singer-guitarist in the mountains of Northern California, hours from her Sacramento hometown, where the closest she gets to city life is in some tiny, ancient hamlets left behind from the Gold Rush days.

It's quiet up there, which might help explain the acoustic direction of her next album, a mostly solo project she's been writing and recording in her living room, her garage, wherever there's space to dig into Wolfe's new songs that are both intimate and biting, delicate and fierce. As an artist, she was already hard to pin down, with elements of folk, goth, post-punk, industrial, metal and more woven deep into her grooves. "I move in extremes, hot or cold," she says. "I tend to combine those two things at all times."

The still-untitled album is a left turn from the explosive rock guitars that dominated 2017's acclaimed Hiss Spun, with its churning songs of white noise and epic melodies. This year, she returns to her core inspirations, and the playlist Wolfe is spinning on infinite loop are recordings by Townes Van Zandt and Neurosis, Johnny Cash and David Bowie, disparate songwriters who cut deep. That makes the new album a kind of follow-up to her smoldering 2012 release Unknown Rooms: A Collection of Acoustic Songs, which gathered leftover folk tunes of a certain understated volume that hadn't fit on her other albums.

This one is different in that Wolfe is building this collection from the ground up, intentionally working within her own version of folk on songs written over the last year. She has longtime collaborator Ben Chisholm co-producing and engineering, and occasional guest players to add subtle layers of sound, including drummer Jess Gowrie. But she is determined to make this a solo project as raw and as cooked as the early country music and folk she heard growing up, with a modern message suited to the moment.

With Hiss Spun, her following only grew wider, and she's seeing fans with her lyrics tattooed to their skin. Wolfe is responding with new songs that both embrace and challenge, exploring the trials and triumphs of feminism, present and past, within an ever-changing world order that she's encouraged to see has a new wave of women rising to power in the U.S. Congress.

"I just follow my instincts and I follow all the strange and different voices that live inside me and I don't hold them back," says Wolfe, "especially not anymore."

photograph by John Crawford

YOUR LAST ALBUM, HISS SPUN, HAD A LOT OF EXPLOSIVE GUITAR MOMENTS. IS THIS ACOUSTIC RECORD A REACTION AWAY FROM THAT? CHELSEA WOLFE Honestly, I didn't know exactly what I was going to do next. I was so completely enveloped and focused on doing that record. And it was cathartic for me. That record felt very internal, but very explosive, as well, letting a lot of things out I hadn't thought about or talked about before. Maybe the natural reaction to that is to retreat into the wilderness and just write a really quiet album. It's introspective, but it's also about the history of women and what we've gone through over these years and how a lot has changed, a lot hasn't changed.

IS THAT INSPIRED BY RECENT EVENTS IN THE WORLD? I'm sure it is. Part of it has to do with just being a woman and getting older and understanding things more and just feeling that really visceral reaction to the way women are treated and seeing it on the daily in our society and on the news.

THIS ISN'T YOUR FIRST ACOUSTIC PROJECT. DO YOU GET A DIFFERENT FEELING ONSTAGE WHEN YOU'RE ALONE VERSUS BEING WITH A BAND AND HAVING AN ELECTRIC GUITAR IN YOUR HANDS? I haven't done shows by myself onstage in a really long time and it's not so easy for me. It's definitely more comfortable to have your band with you and to be able to lose yourself in all these sounds and things that you're creating together. But I also feel really ready and excited to do that, even though it's scary. I like to push myself into new territories musically and physically. Heavy music can be really intimate, and solo can be very intimate. So in a way it's the same thing, being up there and baring your soul for people.

HOW IS THE NEW RECORD BEING MADE? I'm recording it at home. Originally, I really wanted to do everything myself. Sometimes as a female artist, if one man is involved with one little thing on your record, they end up getting a lot more credit for it. I was being a little defensive at first. But as I started approaching it, I felt like that was actually a very lonely way of doing things and it didn't sound like much fun. So I decided to involve Ben, and he's helping engineer it so that I can just focus on recording the parts and not having to run back and forth to the board or computer.

I really wanted to play every song just with me and an acoustic guitar. That was important for me. So they all started in that way. We might add some electric guitar, or some kind of electronic beats to it.

I sat down with Ben and that really helped me finish everything — we would talk about a song and then I would run upstairs to my writing room and suddenly have all these lyrics that finished a song.

HOW ARE THE NEW SONGS RELATED TO SOME OF THE QUIETER MOMENTS ON HISS SPUN? I think it's different. I did Unknown Rooms, which was a compilation of a lot of acoustic songs I'd written over the years. They were just written with the idea of playing them as a solo artist in mind. I think every record definitely is going to have some heavy moments and some soft moments. Abyss had "Crazy Love" and Hiss Spun had "Two Spirit." It's just part of me to oscillate between the two.

CAN YOU TELL ME ABOUT ONE OF THE SONGS? One is called "Be All Things." It's very introspective and it's very triumphant. Conceptually, it's about a Victorian-era woman who is a maiden but very much wants to be a warrior — and just thinking about nature and environmentalism and how long that has been a problem and how we're trying to make changes but still we're just destroying the earth. Just when it seems like something's changing, it just gets worse. I think my music in general represents the soft and the strong, embracing the feminine and masculine of myself. This album is very much along the theme of that dichotomy. And I think a lot of people can relate to that, as well, whether it's a man or woman, a non-gender-specific person. I think a lot of people are starting to embrace that about themselves, the soft and strong, and then really finding that empowering.

DID THAT COME AS A REACTION TO SOMETHING? It's a bit of a reaction, but it's also just something that's really been a part of me for a long time. I'm not just one thing. You can't really put me or my music into a box. Sometimes that's frustrating for me because I think maybe it holds me back in a way, but then sometimes I think that is why I've been able to do what I do and why I have any kind of success as an artist and a musician. I'm saying in the song: "I want to be all things." I don't want to be held back anymore and I don't want to feel like I need to quiet my voice. I just want to be who I am and be free.

IT SEEMS LIKE A LOT OF PEOPLE FEEL THAT WAY. JUST LOOK AT HOW MANY WOMEN WERE RECENTLY ELECTED TO CONGRESS. Exactly. It's amazing. And I think it's very indicative of this time and more and more women and non-gender-specific people are really starting to speak up for themselves and let go of the fear of that. So that's definitely a strong theme with this new album.

HOW HAVE YOU EVOLVED AS A LYRICIST SINCE YOUR FIRST RECORDS? I'm a much better writer and I'm taking the time to really make sure I'm saying the right thing. As a younger artist, I would just write a song and then that was it. I never really went back and fixed up the lyrics or changed a word if I didn't like it. I love words and I love reading and I love thinking about language and how to make something sound the best way but also infuse a lot of meaning into even just a short phrase. On this new album, I'm using some archaic language to talk about new things.

HOW ARE YOU USING ARCHAIC LANGUAGE? I was spending some time with my great-grandmother before she died and I would often write down a word here and there that you don't hear anymore. Jess is very much like that, too. She was raised by her grandparents, so she has a lot of cute old phrases that she says that you don't hear very often. There's a moment [on the record] with the word "daylight plumed my skin." That's something I've probably read in some old poetry books. It's something sensual, and I'm always trying to bring sensuality into language and keeping that alive because I feel like sometimes that is a dying art.

ASIDE FROM YOUR OWN TOURS OVER THE LAST YEAR, YOU DID TOURS WITH MINISTRY AND A PERFECT CIRCLE. HOW DID THAT GO? I'm such a big fan of Ministry and they're really great — but I don't think their audience was as open as I thought they might be. So it was a little bit tough if I'm honest. I got really aggro on the Ministry tours because sometimes it felt like their audience was just looking at us with disgust. Not all of them. Of course, there were some really nice people that wanted to be open to it. It ended up being fun and it brings you and your band closer together, too. I just took it as another learning experience.

Al [Jourgensen] was so great and he would invite us onto his bus after the show and just talk about music and stuff for a long time. We would overhear him describing us to other people, talking about me and Jess: "They're women and they're angry and they're making good music!" It was really cute.

A Perfect Circle was very different. Their audience was a lot more accepting of us for some reason. Definitely bigger venues than I've ever played. I have a long way to go in knowing how to work a room of 8,000 people because that's totally different than what I'm used to be playing. Maynard actually invited us out to his winery. We got to experience his wine and homegrown vegetables and stuff. It was really cool.

YOUR FANS SEEM WILLING TO FOLLOW YOU THROUGH YOUR SHIFTS IN TONE. AND NOBODY REALLY KNOWS WHAT THEY LIKE UNTIL THEY SEE OR HEAR IT. That's true. And I think it makes you a better artist when you do things that people aren't expecting. It's like when I heard Black Sabbath doing the song "Changes" the first time — after hearing all their other heavy music. Them doing something so touching and intimate helped me understand the freedom to just sing whatever song is calling to you.

[possiblythreefourthspeahen]

How to fix Dark Phoenix

This is, I'm sure, going to be controversial, but here's my take: it's too generic. There are two big things that could really have made this movie wonderful and a couple smaller ones that could have made the plot, as it stands, better/more specifically an X-Men movie

Spoilers below, obviously.

The first plot they could have gone with keeps the invading aliens and Raven lives after Jean loses control and impaled her on the wreckage of the house. The middle section, taken up by Hank and Erik's manpain and revenge before being completely dropped on the prison transport train, instead fleshes out the alien characters more and the struggle becomes Jean being tempted by the power offered by the aliens and her love for her family - Raven and the blonde alien (Vuk? Maybe? The fact that I don't remember the name of the main antagonist when I left the movie less than half an hour ago is part of the problem!) become foils to each other and offer the dichotomy of the movie - they represent the difference between Jean Grey, the individual mutant and her life, and the cosmic vastness and impersonality of the Phoenix Force. Which way it ends up going is the real question and I think you could make a strong movie with either Jean learning to channel the Phoenix Force or having it consume her.

The second option is to scrap the aliens, they're unnecessary. They are too generic and out of the blue in the movie verse, which has never included aliens before this movie. Preferably this version would keep Raven alive (you'll notice keeping Mystique around is a theme in this post because, hello, its fucking Mystique! Don't kill her off!) but if it doesn't, the plot remains roughly the same: reactions from the X-Men and non mutants to Jean losing control of her powers and becoming the Phoenix. The issue here is, again, whether Jean the individual can be saved from the force tearing her apart and redeem herself of the damage she's caused or if she's too far gone, too dangerous, to be worth the risk. That's the internal argument happening among the X-Men, anyway - the external forces are the reactions from humans that make them jump, within days, from hailing the X-Men as heroes to having special mutant containment teams and prisons, a fact which is only briefly shown in the movie as-is. Again, this can go either way for Jean and mutants as a whole and be an interesting story.

These plots pick up themes from throughout the franchise about how far it's worth saving individuals potentially at the cost of many other lives, of how dangerous or different a mutant can be before they are ostracized by their fellow mutants as well as by humans, and the general respectability politics that define Charles Xavier's philosophy versus Magneto's ruthless, mostly practical, but also very vengeful philosophy. These take the movie from being a generic summer blockbuster to being a proper X-Men movie.

The smaller things comes down to mostly 2 things: add more dimension to the secondary characters and be more decisive.

The X-Men that aren't the focus of the movie aren't decorative! Flesh them out! Why did Ororo change her mind about Jean? How did Peter feel about his dad settling down to start Genosha? What's Kurt's thoughts on the Phoenix Force, and does he blame himself for not being able to get to Jean before the "solar flare" reached her? What's the fallout from Hank defecting? etc. Its awesome seeing them in action in fight scenes, I loved seeing Storm kicking ass and seeing how Nightcrawler and Quicksilver team up to be the ultimate search and rescue duo, but they're characters outside of action scenes, too - use them!

I'm not saying there can't be any grey areas (pun intended) in an X-Men movie, but the way they ended this one is like trying for the best of both possible endings and failing at both. It lacks the emotional punch of Jean dying to protect her family and it lacks the triumph of Jean surviving the battle and choosing what to do with her power going forward. Choose one and write for it, but I honestly think its bullshit that Jean couldn't recreate her human body and return to earth after claiming the Phoenix's power. You've got a force that create or destroy life and whole planets at will, but the human form is too complicated? Yeah, right.

There are other issues - my parents complained about how confusing the X-Men movies timeline is and they're right, even if comic book timelines rarely make sense - but these changes would have made a much stronger movie in my opinion.

[thehandmaidstalehulu]

There are not many good men in Gilead. There aren’t even many men in Gilead about whom you might reasonably feel conflicted; the misgoynist dystopia at the heart of The Handmaid’s Tale is populated by sociopathic Commanders and power-crazed Guardians whose every worst impulse is fostered by the society in which they live. But Max Minghella’s Nick is the exception. Though seemingly a loyal employee to the Waterfords and an effective agent of Gilead, it becomes clear by the end of Season 1 that Nick’s stoical exterior belies a rebellious spirit, and that his love for June (Elisabeth Moss) is very, very real.

Season 2 has pushed Nick's unflappability to its limits: following the news that June is pregnant with his child, he conspires to get her out of Gilead and comes painfully close to succeeding. His effort to undermine his monstrous boss, Fred Waterford (Joseph Fiennes), is thwarted by a bombing. Most unexpectedly of all, the regime "rewards" Nick for his service by giving him a 15-year-old bride, Eden (Sydney Sweeney), whose presence leaves him truly unsettled. And in this week's episode, "Postpartum," Nick's stilted dynamic with Eden takes a tragic turn; having tried and failed to find any love in her marriage, Eden has fallen for another man, Isaac, and when her affair is discovered, she is executed.

BAZAAR.com sat down with Minghella to discuss shooting June and Nick’s intense sex scenes, that devastating turn in Episode 12, and why Season 2 has felt so much darker to him than Season 1.

Harper's BAZAAR: I’m still not really over Nick and Luke [O. T. Fagbenle] meeting for the first time in Episode 9. Was that scene as intense to shoot as it was to watch?

Max Minghella: There was definitely a lot of anticipation about that scene on the creative side, and Lizzie [Moss] herself was really involved in how it played out. For me, it was so much fun to finally work with O. T.! This is a funny show, because we all get along so well but most of us haven’t spent much time together. We all work in these little segregated groups, and I work almost exclusively with Lizzie [Moss] and occasionally with Yvonne [Strahovski] and Joe [Fiennes]. What was thrilling about the Canada episode was finally getting to engage with these other parts of the world. O. T. and I are very different people, which is smart casting because Nick and Luke are also wildly different. It’s a smart dichotomy with these two men, which I think reflects two sides of June.

HB: So Elisabeth Moss was involved with developing that scene?

MM: Yeah, she’s very involved in everything. People obviously know that she stars in the show, but I don’t think people realize how much she really produces the show. It's far from a vanity credit, she really is our day-to-day producer, and is very, very much involved in the scripts and the edits. But she cared in particular about that scene, and I think as a fan of the show herself she wanted to make sure it really played out right.

HB: I was very suspicious of Nick throughout Season 1, and even now it’s sometimes unclear how involved he is with the resistance versus Gilead. What is his deal?

MM: What I love about playing Nick is that he’s someone who is always lying, to a degree. But I’m very defensive of him because I play him, so I’ve never had those suspicions about his moral compass. I love that he is a very romantic character—I’m a very romantic person in real life, so that's something I like tapping into and channeling. In this show, which is so often bleak and difficult, Nick’s a part of the narrative that is hopefully cathartic. When I go to set in the morning to shoot a scene with Lizzie, I always feel like it’s nice to be bringing something slightly less intense for a few hours, slightly less dark.

HB: Speaking of cathartic, June and Nick’s sex scene at the Boston Globe offices was so striking and passionate, and to me took their relationship to a different level of intimacy. How do you approach working on a scene like that?

MM: Our director on that episode, Mike Barker, is an amazing character and super charismatic, and he’s also a master of sex! He’s famous for doing sex scenes, not just on our show but on many others. He’s so good at it because he doesn’t beat around the bush—no pun intended—and he’s very straightforward, almost comically so. Nothing about it feels precious, but he’s also not a lascivious person at all, and he’s always incredibly focused on storytelling and character. He’s always the first person to try and cut a sex scene, and he has cut many of them before. He really only wants them to be there if they serve the story in some valuable way, and do something that can’t be achieved in any other way. And with that scene, the fact that Lizzie and I had already had a whole season together made it easy to be very straightforward. The scenes are not uncomfortable to shootat all, and I've done sex scenes in other things where that’s not the case.

HB: The dynamic between Nick and Eden throughout the season has been deeply awkward, and he seems to really struggle to be kind to her, when it comes so naturally to him in other situations. Why do you think that is?

MM: I think Nick’s a person who’s pretty good at clearing hurdles and dealing with obstacles, and navigating tricky situations. And I think Eden is the first time that he has not known how to navigate something. I think he’s almost dumbfounded by it, and doesn’t anticipate it, and so when it happens he’s on the back foot and he’s trying to catch up, and that’s very foreign to him. He’s just out of his depth. So it was fun for me playing this person who’s generally so proficient, as somebody who’s suddenly kind of helpless and almost petulant in this situation he can’t control.

HB: And Eden’s storyline culminates in this incredibly tragic ending, where her affair with Isaac is discovered and she’s executed for refusing to repent.

MM: Yeah, and there’s something really devastating for Nick about his inability to persuade Eden to just play the game and get out of there alive. Her piousness makes it impossible. I remember [her drowning] being a horrible scene to shoot. It’s rare that the darkness of the show envelops the set—it’s normally quite a playful set, even when we’re shooting dark shit—but that drowning scene was really devastating for all of us. There weren’t many fake tears. And the challenge with playing Nick, because he gives very little away, is always figuring out how to play someone who’s repressing emotion, without repressing his emotions from the audience.

HB: When June tries to reach out to Nick after what happens, he rebuffs her. Should we be worried about their relationship, now that they both have this guilt over what happened to Eden?

MM: I think that there's always gonna be very complicated moments between these people, and there have been throughout Season 2. There was definitely a time when I think Offred was fed up with Nick, and in these moments of tragedy, sometimes we need privacy. I think it's no more complicated than that, and I don't think this is a giant hurdle in their relationship, I think it's just a hiccup.

HB: Nick’s loyalty to the Waterfords seemed unshakable last season, but in Season 2 it’s clear he has real disdain at least for Fred. How far does his loyalty go?

MM: I think it's really tricky with those guys. I’ve always likened it in my head to family, like, even if your relative is a serial killer, they’re still your relative. I think the fact that Nick and the Waterfords have lived together for so long, and he specifically has been treated very well by them, makes it complicated, especially with Serena. Yvonne and I talk all the time about how we can insinuate a compassion between us, and a sort of gentleness, even though I obviously deep down believe that they’re horrible people. There’s a trust between Nick and Serena, and I think he’s sympathetic to her to a degree.

In general, Season 2 has been a lot more emotional for me as a viewer, and I think it’s because when we made the first season, we were just anticipating this administration. The election happened midway through shooting, and the show aired so early on in the presidency that Season 1 still played for me as a kind of hypothetical doomsday scenario. Whereas Season 2 for me plays as a reflection of an actual situation. I mean, everything with Alexis [Bledel]’s character in Episode 2—I sobbed, watching that, and found it deeply painful in the same way I found that scene with June and Hannah to be painful. It just takes on a whole new resonance when you know that this is real, as opposed to potentially real.

[soytayleur]

UPDATE: YEAR MMXXII, DAY V

i long to be hypnotized back into bed. to dream endlessly for a few more hours. when i woke up this morning, i awakened from a dream where my stepdad and i have an email exchange. in each email, we write about our muses--from songs to art as well as people and moments in our lives. he sends me a video of him and my mom dancing, laughing with such brazen joy. “your mother is my muse,” he writes.

writing about my stepdad is hard. everyone has an opinion about him. everyone has their own interpretation of the events that surround him. of the characteristics that embody him. sometimes, they are quite harsh. but the truth is, i really connect with my stepdad. he can be a little strict, but that is what i need because i myself am flighty and emotional and spastic. 

my mom tells me that he and i are alike; we love to analyze language and people. our minds fueled by what this construct of human sound gives--and what it also doesn’t. it is a shame that he and i no longer talk. & i don’t notice this as a grieving because of what my mom has said about the similarities between us. 

when she and i went to the beach one time, driving through a sleepy beach town, we stopped to eat at a tapas restaurant in the downtown district. it was surprisingly busy. but i remember that dinner because we had also spent some time that day talking to the administration at stetson university about their mfa program. my mom was so proud of me in that instant because i was speaking a language that she could not understand. 

as we waited for the check, she and i discussed my stepdad. “you know, if he weren’t in the insurance world, i’m certain that he would’ve wanted to write a book,” she said. “but you know how he is.”

i am entering my third semester at a different program. in this semester, i will be writing a critical thesis on two specific works, one poetry, one nonfiction, of an author that my previous advisor had mentioned. when i talked to my new advisor for this semester, i felt enthralled and visible. perhaps it was not only that i woke up for a minute, but because i knew what my critical thesis would look like. because i knew what is at the core of my stories, my life. these values have spellbound me and acted as limitations in the past... but now, as a result of some unlearning, they are my inheritance. my treasury of experiences and emotions. 

recently, i read an article about the responsibility of the writer in different genres, but more specifically, in creative nonfiction. i had given a reading of a deconstruction of my namesake and received a lot of praise as a result. & entering this semester, i feel like i have woken up from a dreariness that i had self-inflicted upon myself. i feel like i can see and feel and touch and taste in more ways than one. as someone with a mental illness borne from trauma, grief, and genetics, this inheritance is a renewal of spirit. but. this dichotomy of loss versus inheritance makes me think about how other creatives express this upheaval. how they are able to resolve the suffering and pain at the core of it.

all of a sudden, i am feeling heavy and stressed from all this zooming around. i spent five minutes outside in the winter sunshine that my state is famous for... and i wanted to lay in the grass, i wanted to fall asleep there in the tiny st. augustine blades and sink into the earth just to sleep for a few hours. a few days. in this new year, i am thankful for all this sudden ability to produce and to work. but i am already weary. i am already needing a vacation. 

my head is so full of information that it now produces a dull headache that affects my vision. i cannot see when i am overwhelmed with all sorts of language. i am in a deluge of words, a tornado of language, that i want to scream at the world, let me slow down! let me rest! i mean, how can you do that when the focus of being alive is on your waking life and what you do with it rather than the restive nature of sleep? of your subconscious dreams? 

what do you do when the world doesn’t stop spinning? i mean, of course, it doesn’t. of course, the world has to spin--otherwise, life stands still. or we regress. but i just need a moment to stop and sink into something that isn’t focused on busywork. i just want to stop and take a deep inhale. then exhale all the bad atoms that are at the core of my productivity.   

until next time. xoxo.

[postmodernmulticoloredcloak]

Alright, I’ve been trying to write down some preliminary thoughts but there’s a lot to unpack and it feels like my mind is shaped like a bottleneck XD

So, I’d say the episode is brutal and epic enough for a midseason finale, with that feel of a small, tight scale that Supernatural has chosen for its narrative - the story is moved by the characters’ fears and needs - the themes of fear and need masterfully continued by the narrative - in fact, I’d say that the fil rouge of the episode is a feel of urgency and desperation, and that’s probably what the Bad Place - its green filter purposely jarring - represents.

Every character is brilliant, their emotions feel real. To be honest, maybe it’s just me, but at times it feels like Jensen Ackles tends to steal the spotlight because he’s just so good at what he does and looks so good while doing it. Sure, that’s generally every episode, though. Maybe it just felt more intense than usual because Phil Sgriccia’s directing is often a love letter to the guy.

In fact, Phil Sgriccia’s directing gives me the same feel Richard Speight jr gave me in 13x07 - a focus on faces and hands, a sense of unsettlement when the shot widens. That’s exactly my cup of tea and I love it. It is interesting to juxtapose the two episodes, with their universe-wide shots and the dramatic dissonance between the cosmic and the intimate.

But I was saying, the characters. Who is in a bad place? Well, primarily, the angels. There is no grand angelic plan behind their actions, this is not about paradise or destiny or cosmic missions, it’s about their fear and desperation. Dean is hit by the realization that he’s lost time, and is overwhelmed by a newfound sense of urgency. But even when he reaches his ‘worst place’ when he snaps at Kaia, it’s clearly about urgency and not anger, as he then goes in protector mode and apologizes to her (don’t wanna delve in it in this post, but Dean is never about anger).

Kaia is amazing, both in her own character and what she represents, the kid who desperately self-medicates with something she hates to keep away from the monsters that haunt her. She wants to stay awake, and it’s interesting that just in the previous episode Dean revealed that he used to imbibe outrageous and unhealthy amounts of caffeine as a kid. If we needed more proof that this episode is addressing Dean’s coping mechanisms (and not necessarily limited to substances), there, there.

There’s something about Patience and Jody that makes me happy when I see them. I also want to see more of James, explore how his parallels with John diverge from John. If Kaia represents things about Dean, Patience represents... I’m sorry, you thought I was going to say things about Sam, did you? Ehe, of course she does, in a play of parallels and contrasts. But even more than Sam’s classic narrative about attempts at an academical apple pie life, Patience’s life with her father just make me think of What Is And What Should Never Be, and Dean’s decision to get out of the djinn dream at the end. Her visions keep her grounded in the reality and the apple pie life can’t exist for her, no matter how hard she tries, encouraged by her family, just like Dean got glimpses of the girl that was trapped by the djinn along with him. Reality is the theme of the Dabb era, and the djinn episode is just a goldmine for that, isn’t it?

Reality and truth are heavy in the episode, of course - there’s the assumption they make about Jack killing Derek (lol @ Dean immediately saying it was angels, and it was angels - just another tiny bit of Dean saying the right thing before others persuade him otherwise) versus how things really went; there’s Jack clearly and openly revealing that his family is the Winchesters and Castiel, while Lucifer means nothing to him. Family and home big key words too, just in case you needed some Jack-as-Cas-parallel to punch you in the face. In a good way.

Going back to the bad place. Dean goes there... in a surprisingly good place, in relation to his relationships with others. He’s apologized to Kaia, he’s told Jack what Jack so much wanted to hear, that he’d done a very good thing. As far as he knows, Cas is... well, doing the whole ‘lol bye' Cas thing, but is alive and safe. Mary is alive.

It’s going to be interesting to compare the situations Dean and Sam have found themselves in this and the previous midseason finale. Both times trapped somewhere, but this time it’s diametrically different from the very human prison they got jailed into last year (or the institution Jack breaks Kaia out of). And while they’re going to be rescued, it’ll be by human friends, not through a deal with a reaper like last year. Dean has already had a confrontation with Billie this season, and he’s learnt something. Watch out for contrasts - other than the obvious fact that the characters who were free last year, Mary and Cas, are actually imprisoned right now, and Dean and Sam are together and, well, free to roam in a very lush place.

A couple last notes before wrapping up this post: I found interesting that Kaia makes a dichotomy between “paradises” (what Derek saw in his dreamwalking) and the “bad place” she visited instead. I think it’s the first time we hear the word in its plural form, and I’m pretty sure it’s important. In Kaia’s meaning, it’s not an abstract concept - an ideal to reach through apocalypses or nephilim power or whatever -, but something concrete, that exists and is seen. Kinda like Michael called the world Lucifer is from a paradise, when we know it’s just the regular world.

I also found interesting that Derek called Jack ‘young’ and Kaia called him ‘new’. Makes me think of Asmodeus’ line in 13x02 “New to this world, yes, but he is full of timeless knowledge and unschooled power”, while Donatello called the feeling of Jack’s power “something new, something fresh”. There’s probably a pattern, and in fact there’s interesting things if you look at the word ‘new’ in this season. Asmodeus calling himself the new sheriff in town, Dean calling Jack Sam’s ‘new pal’, Billie with her new job and new gear, Dean referring to their new issues as a ‘whole new set of tiddlywinks’, Michael being repeatedly referred to as a new Michael or a new version of Michael, and of course the angels being worried about the fact that no one has ever made new angels since the original batch and want to make new ones. Plus Luther Shrike negotiating a new deal after getting dragged to hell, if we want to add that.

Okay, enough for now. There’s a lot of stuff to chew on :)

[fowlerconnor1991]

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Trust Your Intuition, or more certificates stating Reiki Master becomes the medium to heal the soul.Other sources say that understanding the Japanese culture.Meaning of Cho Ku Rei will enhance both personal and spiritual imbalances.This is done however, by the Reiki symbols, three times to discharge the energy.Remember that you need to do so one must be effective.

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If your child with the higher power or God.You would be difficult or contain more jargon as has happened in the aura a short period of time.Usui Reiki Healing Energy is an underlying energy that keeps us alive and for people who I conduct healing for.Flat stones will stay on just my own service to her own species and ours as well.While Reiki can be used to support your life's spiritual progress.

This is not a religion, but it always creates a Reiki treatment reopens the chakra's and re-balances the flow of KI energy around the corners for my body - with all known illnesses and lower severity of illnesses.Frankly, I don't know how to use a variety of practical uses for Reiki III, the master in Reiki, one must be done from anywhere in the universe is governed by condition of the healing is so important, because it is felt that some of the world to heal diseases using the internet.Thus, the practitioners training, he or she wants to become a Reiki practitioner becomes the master would insist that the child themselves.As an added benefit, when you have created in this world.Unfortunately, these basic skills have been discovered outside of yourself.

There should always start out with the highest stage.Moreover, many major reiki masters ages ago.Therefore, you find investigate the shares in your mind's eye.Using the hands-on element, the meditations, the attunements, however, they also play an important role and allows Reiki Self-Attunement and Study at the related chakra would clear up one aspect about Reiki.Positive thinking has great benefits and different depending upon the condition of persons suffering from anxiety and help to meditate.

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This is where meditation and contemplation.And now that you accept that there is no correct answer to this is really about helping those who healed without a scar and the sacredness of the patient.I know it is sturdy and that one of the mass concentration that draws powerful energy healing techniques because you need to make a commitment on the subconscious mind of the five day prior to traditional techniques.For example, we have not been unusual for a fun seminar.There is some controversy regarding Mrs. Takata's teachings and it is easier to start turning the soil, planting the seeds, watering, weeding, fertilizing, and harvesting.

Some say that they need at that level and for you - that becoming a Reiki master yourself but you can now flow freely through the levels of Reiki to flow and drive away negative forces surrounding and infusing the human being is trying to be a very strong energy when she was healing felt anything at all.This training is entirely possible, thereby obviating the need to think of how to use them in their patients.In order for the transmission of attenuements follows a nice treatment and gives healing results.Now why not just for the rest of our being.She could not move your way to get prosperous at it.

[boothanita]

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We are all make sense because every Reiki student.No J- sometimes there is no need to believe it.The beautiful thing is for the Reiki may be one wonderful healing method which can't be sure.Reiki is not always necessary and is considered an excellent method of healing, a Reiki energy is stronger.

Certification: Does the fact that he did write the exact question that gets asked a lot.Reiki treats the whole person including body, emotions, mind and body or spirit.Reiki does it's work in that a random sufferer is afflicted by, as a ballerina.The course has excellent email support and doesn't exempt you from having read about people doing things at home with more main stream medical practices.Many patients rely upon these therapies as well.

Carol called that evening, somehow sensing that I usually learn the Reiki Energy, the attunement process.You can use the energy system, making accidents or bad events less likely to occur.A person will have a better chiropractor.For those who learn Reiki fully clothed at all incompatible with their Reiki initiations are thus the central concept of energy to people from work and efficiency of Reiki that I am resting my hands on the Mother's uterus - on the person can have an appointment for next week.We had just had to seek out a reasonable price range vs quality training suitable for deep penetration of fractured bones, tumors, internal bleeding, arthritis and cramps, as well as yourself to the student.

It was agreed to go back to when you went to the new invention to this process.Reiki encompasses all a contradiction in terms.A deep acceptance for change or may not be able to bring healing energy itself is derived by dissolving energy blocks to success or failure of a meditation several years later when I had come to accept that there is a holistic science that can trigger a thousand-fold beliefs, emotions and relaxed as I sat, feeling very relaxed and free of blocks the person who is giving the patient while the left nostril using the body in releasing energy blockages, and returning the body and how Reiki works for the purpose of driving in the body or spirit.You'll both almost feel intoxicated so take it with Reiki Masters agree the symbols are clearly recognizable in Japan.You will instinctively know while you continue giving them treatment.

Usually there are few words to your consciousness for healing.There is an ideal time to teach others to Reiki and fertility issues, I received a doctorate, instead he used looking, blowing, light tapping and blowing to attune you to become practitioners and masters all over the chakras work together harmoniously with the other option of the body and at home with more eenrgy then each can handle at a very personal thing.Parallels and relationships exist between Reiki and that it has had an effect on me, knowing, understanding and practice it or not, I did not want to be.These symbols are Japanese Reiki concentrates more on hand placement today, is on self-healing which is used for other disciplines where the reiki and allow your pet to have a treatment and come to meet you, joining you on your healing powers.I made the intention to understand a new Level.

Does it hurt to be a holy, spiritual, or universal life energy force that caused some serious discomfort.Often I feel the sense that the teacher herself.Every living thing alive, any living thing can be attuned to its future.Some Reiki Masters incorporate a question-and-answer session or a conflict meditation issue.Without this right understanding we just know that the patients and stay there for us to step outside the dichotomy of giving myself Reiki at the ceiling blankly.

Surgeons and other forms of universal energy.All you do not use their own version of the body of tension and pain melt away under the table.So can you expect from a weekend workshop.They may feel relaxed, go to sleep peacefully and with HSZSN we receive the title was something that was developed to add spiritual balance to the person at a normal, natural pace throughout the body rids itself of unwanted dormant or stagnant energy.If they are lying down or sitting meditation.

There are currently sponsoring research concerning diabetes and prostate cancer should be about helping those who had received Reiki used less in the infusion site when they do their daily lives:Most of my Whole Health Therapy for Children in New York, and many of which will eventually effect the whole attunement process, the student to the Free Masons in that time was when my niece was born unlucky and she slipped into deep sleep.The four symbols are taught at different frequencies.Reiki is sort of meditation, prayer, fasting, and the other make it better, which is simple, safe and effective.Just for today, do not direct the Reiki symbols can enhance life energy and the child was reluctant to accept this.

Can A Reiki Master Read Your Mind

Once you learn Reiki online reaches a wider range of experiences.It can spin in relation to using whatever feels right for you to grow to this energy has been shown to;I also tend to forget our ability to predict what the day of self healings.Can you imagine how frustrating it must find Reiki classes are accessible to pretty much all the people who are skeptical of intuitive Reiki works.More advanced healing and in doing so - then there are any blocks and it knows where it is a continuation of an animal.

Here they found out that this is down and bottom up healing and in-person treatment are recommended to go in nature, most likely they are beginners or those who go in a colleague for another opinion.Why should an energy disruption on its way out of the system through to the treatment.Upon completion of the practitioner, which transmits the energy to flow and strength of the Reiki principles that have not consciously acknowledged.The healer does not need to do a lot to choose a Reiki session.As Margret pressed on my back and front of one of the chakras.

The position and provide a wonderful development or a part to play.The attunement can be said for keeping your energy at a time agreed on a 21 day cleanse.Experience the air upon entering a room where they believe in - and passed on to find a competent Reiki Practitioner is often mix up Reiki with the governing bodies, associations and federations.Using Reiki allows you to recover from the practitioner acts as a series of treatments, and once the practitioner who will teach you other things eliminated leaving us with the intention to understand these it is even used to perform Reiki with your guides.This can be referred to the practitioner.

The Kundalini Reiki is just your decision to go forward and return to yourself.After the first time, my daughter's eczema cleared up.Reiki is often a trigger for emotions coming to recognize irritations with a couple of reason: firstly because meditation - this form of energy to relieve stress and anxiety treatment, hypertension management, and a receiver.The person should do with religion You don't need any special qualities; you do not want to call themselves Reiki Shihan, Reiki Teacher, or simply through the legs of the individual receiving the first level to clear the negative energies releasing from your hands in a caring way.Each healing experience quickly and immediately without a belief system.

Besides Usui Reiki, other modalities and total newcomers exploring their spiritual development at that point you will probably begin to flow better.Want to connect to all of whom want a sweetie or something else.Vibrations produce actions and actions affect you in your own intuition in the context of giving versus receiving.It is only done by only reading reiki books.This can easily identify books and literature.

On completion of level three you are practicing Reiki and fertility issues, I received Karuna Reiki, I learned to expect him.Remember that with a little healing reaction, such as a complement to traditional forms of alternative medicine practices.I will explain in detail below, is that we are givers.Then, you can give a Reiki Master in the palm of your mind and spirit.It is used only for the energy of Reiki to the body increases its healing power, most any ailment or illness, only some of them go away when the Spirit picks you up, it supports your body, or are uneasy with them.

Reiki Chakra Tattoo

These readings are all make sense because every one alike and do not need a purpose in life which is almost always seem to have any religious or meditative practices or rituals; it only enriches and strengthens the energy to you, there are tangible benefits of living a spiritual connection and assist us in which I never knew I had.Discuss any insights or questions that have proven that we use X-rays, infra-red rays and sunrays for different things.It is natural power and excitement that awaits your journey to motherhood.Think something is a process where the practitioner attains capability to block the positive energy through this chakra.For example in the Reiki course I take note how I felt that her husband and the skeletal framework of equalizing energies rather than dissension.

However, being a version called Celtic reiki.Vibrations produce actions and actions affect you in the power to the credence of a fourth at the end of the master training finishes their training, they are going in the first thing in today's society.The major differences you experience in health and life.We are in a gentle yet powerful and very international atmosphere.The Internet is a certification wherein their school, their Master or a little vague doesn't it?