#there’s no way i’m going to finish uni i should drop out and kill myself as soon as i can

[szczylpierdolony]

i wish i were dead so bad

[bukojuiice]

this is how you fall in love ━ levi ackerman

ೃ pairing: (levi ackerman x  gn! reader)

ೃ  the entire division of the survey corps are not convinced that you and levi are absolutely actually together. however, it took a small expedition outside of the walls and an abnormal titan incident for everyone to coo adoringly at the soft and loving demeanor that levi holds around you and only you.

ೃ genre and warnings: canonverse, fluff, and strong language.

ೃ  my nav  →  my aot masterlist  →   sign up for my taglist

ೃ 1.6k words

ೃ dedicated to one of my first uni friends, @ryscenery because if the two of us didn’t yell (affectionately) at each other for our love for levi, this fic may have never been birthed. i hope you enjoy! 🥺

Love certainly makes you do the wacky. But in a world where chaos is imminent, war is always looming, and people die to giant man-eating humanoid monsters, how can one possibly make their life akin to that of a romance novel?

Well, unfortunately, you can't.

It's a Live and Let Die world, after all.

But... to the remaining few of humanity who are strong and lucky enough to be still wandering the faces of the unknown world, love is a treasure. A gift only a few can find.

And somehow, and someway, you were lucky enough to find comfort in someone you never thought you'd expect to find.

Levi Ackerman.

The stoic and blunt smart-ass captain of the Survey Corps? Yes, him.

Honestly, it's quite a surprise. No one would have ever thought that someone could shake the world of Humanity's Strongest Soldier. It almost felt like a dream, honestly. Your subordinates and co-captains can't even get their heads wrapped around the fact that there's something between the two of you. Well, it's not like either you and Levi were bold enough to rub it in other people's faces.

Even Hanji, who made it seems as if they were utterly convinced over the fact that the two of you are together by teasing the two of you every time that you were within a few feet of each other, has their doubts.

It didn't take long until a minor expedition outside the walls made everyone in the division finally realize how much you and Levi were pining lovestruck dorks when hidden from the eyes of prying and spying soldiers.

An attempted attack from an abnormal titan had forced you to stray away from the rest of your squad's formation. Baiting the abomination away from your subordinates led you to get lost in the outskirts of an abandoned town. With a terribly injured leg, none of your essential equipment with you, and with no means of communication, you had no choice but to wait for the rest of the scouts on patrol to find you.

However, you were afraid of one person.

Levi knows how strong and how much you can hold up in a fight (Your Titan kill count is one of the highest in the Corps), but he hates how reckless you can get. How stubborn. How irrational your decisions can be at times and how much you hate the fact that he reprimands you for the littlest mistakes. Even if those mistakes could ultimately be the cost of your own life.

Catching sight of a shadowy figure and the sound of the clopping of horses from beyond a steep hill, you brace yourself for another long and agonizing lecture from Levi as he continues to approach.

"Captain (Y/N)!" Armin, a rookie soldier from your fleet, calls out. A look of relief forming on his face. "We brought Captain Levi! He's just behind us!"

"Oh, great." You whisper, grimacing to yourself. "Just great." Your wounded leg fails you as you try to prop yourself up onto your horse, falling back down on a mound of rubble.

You only wish you could know what Levi is feeling right now once he sees the predicament you've brought upon yourself once again.

"Captain (Y/N) has strayed away from our formation!" Jean reports sternly, a tinge of worry straining his voice. "They have diverted an abnormal titan from ruining our formation! As of now, none of us in the fleet know of their whereabouts! Neither do they have a flare gun nor any kits in case of an emergency, as they have left them with Krista before the expedition!"

Erwin clears his throat, shaking his head to try and keep his calm facade. "We'll send some soldiers to scout the-"

Before he could even finish his sentence, the distinct cry of a nearby horse could be heard. As the rest of the surviving soldiers turn their heads to where the sound came from, they could do nothing but stare agape at Levi's fleeting figure cross through the safe area and again into dangerous territory. No one could dare to stop him, after all. There was no way.

All they could do was stare in awe at the dramatic yet sweet gesture of the stone-hearted captain that happened right before their tired eyes.

Maybe now they're finally convinced that the two of you are actually together.

(Levi's POV)

I sprinted through the vast fields with all the remaining strength I could muster. After a long exhibition, I didn't expect I'd have to drag my ass around to find (Y/N). Yet, I could not recall the last time I found myself so short of breath.

Dammit. Please be safe.

I am only vaguely surprised to feel an icy trickle of sweat on the back of my neck and my wringing hands as I hold onto the saddle.

Hurry... I must hurry.

There was not a moment to waste. If there were a titan to cross through these shitty grasslands ever again, I'd have to kill these fuckers as fast as I can. Whatever it took to reach them.

....How unlike me.

I hated this feeling. I knew it was inevitable and could happen anytime, but my body launched forward before Erwin could even give his command. Duty decreed that I should have informed him, but the thought came far too late.

I have no doubt Erwin will conjure some excuse for me. After all, this is what everyone wanted, right? Didn't they want to see more proof of my undying love for them? Just because I don't make goo-goo eyes at them doesn't mean I wouldn't defy everything just to keep them safe.

Perhaps I am being irresponsible... but I have no choice but to put my trust in him.

For now, I have someone more important than anything else, someone I cannot fail. Someone I must save.

At the end of the maddeningly long field of nothingness and stark skies, my destination hoves into view.

As (Y/N)'s weakened figure appears closer and closer to me, I abruptly halt my steed and dismount from it. With all my strength once again, I rush to their side.

Moments later, you hear Levi's voice, whom you had seen off just this morning. Wincing in pain due to your injuries, you mentally prepare yourself for another scolding.

"Keep safe" were the words he'd never fail to whisper every time the both of you are forced to depart from each other. It wasn't the most romantic saying out there, but it meant a lot. Especially coming from Levi. He was not the most physically affectionate beau out there, but these little sweet nothings were enough to make your heart flutter.

Observing his looks as he approaches, Levi almost seems panicked. Out of breath, even breaking a sweat... you can't even remember the last time you saw him like this.

His piercing gaze bore into yours, and you felt as though you might fall into it.

Levi takes one step towards you and then another.

"I-I'm fine... okay?" You puff your chest and tug at his hand reassuringly. "Don't worry. I kicked that titan's ass before it could even get a hand of me. How about you? Are you alright? You're breathing so heavily."

He doesn't answer your question but instead drops his gaze into your shaking hands.

"(Y/N)..." His voice was barely audible, a whisper. There's this exasperated look in his eyes that you can't quite describe. And yet, through that faintest movement of his lips, you knew what he meant to say.

"Levi, listen. I'm-"

---And yet... he did not allow you to finish.

Soft warmth pressed against your lips. And his embrace... so intense yet so gentle.

He didn't have to say it with words; This is the first time Levi has shown such love through his touch. Kind, yet powerful. His kiss felt like the wings of butterflies, beating softly upon lips of crushed petals.

You remain in his arms, held tight to the Captain's chest.

The suddenness of his actions came as a surprise, of course... but even so.

The heat radiating from your bodies brought such a wellspring of happiness to you. You were so happy. So very, very happy.

It was so profound that you wished that it might never end.

"Tch. I thought I was going to lose you..." He trails off, squeezing your arm in slight annoyance. "W-why do you always have to be so damn reckless? Why can't you just stick to the plan?"

"Reckless is my middle name after all." You giggle, the kiss ever so deepening.

You're suddenly brought back into reality when a flustered cough echoes from behind you.

You and Levi took it as your cue to finally let go, releasing one another.

"I hope we're not interrupting something..." You turn to see Armin Arlert, a rookie from your fleet, approach the two of you awkwardly. "I'll be tending to Captain (Y/N)'s wounds... if you'd allow me." He clears his throat, clearly intimidated by the cold and striking facade emanating from Levi.

"Captain Erwin sent us." Mikasa added stoically. Ah yes, the ever so tactful commander.

"Were you brats watching?"

"No! Of course not!" Jean, Sasha, and Connie who were lagging from behind, dismiss Levi's claims with a dramatic wave of their hands. "We totally weren't-"

Levi sighs, "Look. Even if you were, I wouldn't get mad." There's a slight blush that slowly creeps on his face yet quickly fades away. "Just... don't get into details once Hanji or Erwin tries to bug you about it, alright?"

"Yes, Captain!"

"Thank you for coming to pick us up." You smile weakly as you let Armin kneel to tend to your wounds. "Who knows what could have happened if we were left here alone?" You nudge Levi's shoulder suggestively."

He smirks, chuckling to himself. "If we were, then they'll finally have more proof that the two of us are actually together, won't they?"

taglist: @crapimahuman @hu-tao-main @smg-valeria​ @moonless-abyss @midnightangelfox @dukina @chibishae34 @arvinrusselisbae @kenmakeii  @eissaaaa @yummyyumi​ @the-one-that-lurks @prxttyguardian

[harrystyleseditsx]

If you need me

SUMMARY: A one shot of where y/n experiences something that reminds her of her traumatic past and Harry’s 5000 miles away

based on the song If you need by julia micheals

WARNING: Angst with fluff :) 

pairing: Harry Styles x uni y/n 

wordcount: 2.3k

A/N: Welcome to my first fic, I needed to write something to get in the flow to write my 2000 word story so here it is :)) ily guys <3 (also would you prefer y/n or an oc, please let me know!!)

Y/N was very happy about how her morning had been going.

She had woken up early, worked out and made her favorite breakfast. She had also gotten herself some flowers to celebrate the fact that she had submitted her 10 page essay early. The only thing that would make her morning better would be face timing harry but she knew it was 1 pm here meaning it would be 9 pm in London where Harry was and he had a concert to perform. She threw on one of Harry’s treat people with kindness hoodies over her sundress as she headed to the library that would often get chilly or she was just always cold as harry often teased her. She smiled as she remembered harry telling she would overheat if she continued to wear zip ups and pile blankets on herself even during summers. 

She had by now almost reached the library when she suddenly bumped into someone causing the other person to drop some of their stuff. “Shit, I’m so sorry. I should have paid more attention-” it felt as if the words were stuck in her throat as she glanced at who she bumped into. 

“Oh hi Y/N” Asher taunted, her ex. She hadn’t seen him since the break up when he told her that he needed space and took off to France only to send her the infamous break up text. And, here he was 6 months later, looking the every bit same. She felt a feeling of anxiety creeping up on her as she started playing with her fingers trying to stop when she saw Asher’s eyes drop to her hands. 

“Are you nervous y/n? Always played with your fingers when you were” he said with a hint of smugness, as he reached his hand forward trying to grasp hers. She immediately pulled back, crossing them against her chest as she took a deep breath. 

“What are you doing here Asher? Aren’t you supposed to be in France?” she snapped at him, her nervousness quickly turning into anger. Asher raised an eyebrow as if surprised at her response. 

“Been keeping tabs on me?” he smirked. “Well forgive me if I wanted to know where my boyfriend, sorry, ex-boyfriend ran off too on our 1 year anniversary” she scoffed.

“Finally grew a backbone y/n?” he drawled looking her up and down. Y/N had never felt the urge to pull someone’s eyeballs out more than she did now. She found herself thinking what she ever saw in this piece of shit. She snapped back to reality as she heard him droning about something.

“..you need me, so I’ll take you back-” he was in interrupted as y/n threw her head back laughing. When she looked at him again, he had an annoyed look on his face. “I need you? Well, I’d like to inform you that you’re wrong again. I don’t need you, I don’t need anyone. I managed myself when you left and I’m doing so now too. So, you can see yourself out of my life again” she reiterated. Asher now looked furious, he lunged forward and grabbed her by her wrists as she tried to free herself from his grip.

“Is all this attitude because of her famous singer boyfriend? Yes, I know all about him. Is he telling you that you’re beautiful? or that you’re important? because news flash, you’re not y/n. You’re worthless, stupid, ugly and you’ll be nothing without me. You’re a whore” he growled. Y/N felt herself flinch as she heard his words before she composed herself and kicked him in the balls. His grip on her wrists loosened giving her the perfect opportunity to attack. She grabbed him by the back of his neck and jerked it forward, raising her knee and smashed his face against it and then shoved him backwards. She heard Asher yelp in pain as blood gushed out of his. One of his hands was on his dick while other on his nose. She felt a sense of pride and satisfaction rush through her as she looked at him. 

"You bitch, you broke my nose. You'll pay for this" Asher yelled at her. She decided it was best to kick him one more time for good measure and she did, smiling as he groaned in pain. "No, you listen to me. If you ever come near me again or try to hurt me I will fuck up your life and I'll get my famous singer boyfriend to help too" y/n taunted as she turned out to head back to her apartment, she had never been more glad to have her apartment be a 5 minute walk from campus. The whole incident had taken a huge toll on her.

She locked her room as soon as she entered it, leaning against the door as she slowly sank to the floor. She took a deep breath before the sobs broke out. Her entire body was shaking as she wrapped her arms around herself trying to feel as if she wasn't alone in the world. Y/N picked up her phone to send a text to harry but she try made her feel even more shitty. What if he realized she wasn't worth it, what if he had enough of her breakdowns. She pressed her nails into her palm, hitting herself to try to stop herself from feeling too much. She had come so far and now all it took was one interaction for everything to come crumbling down.

//

She didn't know how long she had been sitting like that but her phone rang, she looked at the clock to see it flashing 5 pm. Realizing that it must be harry on the phone, she got up and rushed to the bathroom, quickly washing her face, she laid down on the bed so he could only see half of her face and then accepted his call.

Harry appeared on the screen all smiley and sweaty. Her heart fluttered at the sight of him. All she wanted to do was hug him. "Finally picked up, huh? I thought y'were gonna leave me hangin' lovie" he teased her. "I'm sorry, my phone was on silent" she said softly.

Harry realised the change in her demeanor, his smile turning into a frown. "Y'alright honey? Not even showin' me y'pretty face" he said to her. She tried to smile as she moved the camera a bit so he could see more of her face. "I'm just tired H" she whispered. Harry had been moving around, probably trying to find a quieter area. He shut the door behind him as he entered what looked like his dressing room.

"Have y'been cryin' y/n?" he questioned as he saw her red nose and faint traces of year marks on her cheeks. y/n knew there was no point in lying because it was pretty obvious. "Yeah, I didn't do very well in one of the assignments my economics professor had assigned but I'm fine now" she told him adding a smile in the end to make it more believable and maybe Harry would have believed her had he not caught a glimpse of the nasty bruise on wrist as the sleeve of her (his) hoodie slipped down when she was pulled the hood up. Harry was furious and the visible anger on his face made y/n want to curl up.

"What the fuck is that y/n?" he questioned furiously. "What are you talking about? "y/n replied looking genuinely confused. "The fucking bruise on your wrist” harry snapped, by now he had lost all his patience. No one gets to hurt his lovie. 

Y/N was at a loss, she didn’t know what to say. She didn’t want him to worry about her but she couldn’t come up with anything to say. “Asher came back, he cornered me and when I tried to go, he grabbed my wrists” she mumbled, playing with the hem of his sweatshirt. She dare not glance his way, afraid of his reaction. After a minute of silence, Y/N glanced at her phone only to find the screen to be blank. Had he hung up on her? She stared at the blank screen of her phone in disbelief. She felt as if she was having an out of body experience. Opening her gallery, she started scrolling through the numerous photos and videos of her and harry. It was at this time that she was grateful with her obsession of taking pictures and photos. A few tears escaped her eyes as she realized how much she missed him and how he probably didn’t want to talk to her ever. Was he going to break up with her? Y/N’s heart clenched at that thought, she put on harry’s playlist on her spotify and laid there. 

//

She must have fallen asleep because she woke up to the sound of pots clanging. Her heart sped up, no one besides her and harry had the key to her apartment and harry wouldn’t- 

She threw the blanket covering her aside (which had not been there before) and rushed to the kitchen. And sure enough there he was, her boyfriend, with his back facing her. Y/N felt tears well up in her eyes, he came here for her. Harry  turned around to see her standing in the entryway of the kitchen, crying. He reached her in three quick strides, pulling her in a hug. She tightly wrapped her arms around him, fearing he might disappear. Harry pulled back after a few minutes, cupping her face in his hands he gently brushed his thumb over her cheek. 

“Gonna properly tell m’what happened now bubs?” he urged. Unable to say anything at that moment Y/N just nodded. Grabbing her hand, Harry led her to the sofa, grabbing her by the waist and seating her on his lap. He patiently waited her to start talking. For a while Y/n just played with his hair, then she took a deep breath and told him everything that happened. She could feel Harry’s grip tightening on her hips, not to the extent that it was painful, when she told him what Asher had said to her. 

“M’gonna fuckin’ kill him” Harry cursed when she had finished. “I already did some damage” Y/N told him, smirking as she remembered Asher’s face. Harry looked at her questioningly, “I might have kicked him in the balls and broken his nose and added another kick for good measure” she admitted. Harry grinned, “that’s m’girl” he said proudly, pulling her in for a kiss. They sat like that for a while with Harry telling her about tour and she filled him in with other things that she had forgotten when they had their facetime sessions.

Y/N told him that she wanted to report Asher, in case he ever tried to pull shit like this again. Harry not only told her but also showed her how proud he was of her, how brave she’d been and how much he loved her in multiple ways. 

//

The next day they headed to the dean’s office, where Y/N saw two officers sitting outside. Luckily there were several camera’s in the hallway where Asher had cornered Y/N, so by noon, with all the available proof, she’d gotten a restraining order against Asher. If her were to come within a distance of 6ft with her, he’d serve jail time. As they left the dean’s office, Y/N saw Asher standing , she could feel harry tensing up, so when Asher looked Y/N up and down and smirked, Harry lunged forward punching him in his already swollen nose. Asher yelped in pain, he tried to fight Harry back but by now the officers had restrained him, taking him away. 

Back at the apartment, Y/N tended to Harry’s bruised knuckles as she felt a hollowness knowing he’d be leaving soon. By the look on her face, Harry knew what she was thinking about, he took the cotton swab from her hands, placing it on the table before he kissed her. 

“I’ll be back soon, it’s only a matter of two months now and by then you’ll  graduate and I’ll be done with tour and we can  have everyday to ourselves” harry told her, wiggling his eyebrows. She lightly smacked his chest, pressing a small kiss to his lips. “I know, It’s just that sometimes I miss you” she commented. “Only sometimes?” Harry pretended to be offended, “Well a bit more than sometimes” she retorted. “Just a bit more? I miss you so much, it hurts” he admitted. Her shoulders slumped a bit as she pulled him in a hug. “I love you Harry” she whispered and heard him softly whisper I love you too sweetheart. 

That evening Y/n drove him to the airport, they knew they couldn’t outside for long so Harry pulled her in a kiss before he pulled back and rested his forehead against hers. “Promise me you’ll tell me anything that happens, I don’t care if it’s just a paper cut or not. Just don’t hide things from me, If when you need me I'll be there" he blurted. “I promise” she said firmly, showing him she was serious. She didn’t want him to worry but he’d eventually know something was up and it was better to sort things out. He kissed her again before he went in the airport. She stood there until he was no longer in her sight before she sat in her car and started driving off. 

Her phone chimed, picking it up she saw that Harry had sent her a image. It was a very poorly drawn graphic of a guy lying on the floor with a crooked nose and blood around him that she assumed was Asher and a girl stood over him wearing a superhero cape. He had written, ‘my hero’. She smiled fondly before sending him a picture of her reaction as she increased the volume of her radio and driving off. Soon. 

. 

This is my first time writing a harry fic/blurb. Feedback would be greatly appreciated. Also, I’ve turned on the asks (I didn’t know they were off) so you can send in your requests!! Thank you :))

[neonacity]

HYACINTHE | CHAPTER 3: JAEMIN X READER

SUMMARY:

Na Jaemin is far from being your typical 20 year old. Instead of slaving through college, he wastes away his hours cracking safes. Weekends that should be spent partying with friends consist of illegal races on good days and small scale bombings on bad ones. Na Jaemin is far from being average, unless you consider being a member of Seoul’s top organized crime family normal.

There is no such thing as a sense of normality and peace in his trainwreck of a life, so when he met a barista who was brave enough to call out his dangerous taste in coffee, he was like a moth to the flame. Everything about her is normal, which means she is forbidden to him, in all sense of the word. So why, then, does he always find himself at the front steps of her shop, breaking all his personal rules even if he wishes he could stay away?

A/N + Disclaimer: this is a side story to Black Daisies, my main mafia fic feat. 0T23. While the plot is based on the main story, this can also be read as a standalone fic. As usual, this is purely a work of fiction and in no way am I implying any member of NCT to behave the way I write them here. tw: crimes, heists, potential death, mentions of drugs and other illegal activities.

PAIRING: Jaemin x Reader

TW: illegal activities, gunshot wound, mentions of blood

CHAPTER 1

CHAPTER 2

FIC TRAILER

MASTERLIST

"Another bank was looted last night around 11PM, this time in the Geumchon district. This is the second bank that was broken into in the past week and the fourth that is rumored to be the doing of one of Seoul's organized criminal…."

I sighed and put down the pen that I have been using to scribble on a piece of napkin. A frown creased my forehead before I grabbed the offending piece of flimsy paper and crumpled it with my hand. Jeno, who was silently watching the news, looked up and shot me a curious look. He was leaning over the counter lazily, his cup of half finished hot cocoa beside him. 

"You okay?"

I winced. "Yeah... Actually. Actually, no. I am not okay," I said finally as I threw the used napkin to the closest thrash. I have been scribbling all the things I have to pay for the coming month there and couldn't bear to take another look at it. Jeno grabbed his drink and silently took a sip of it, obviously waiting for me to elaborate.

After my initial 'unplanned' meeting with Jaemin's friends, it has become more or less of their routine to drop by the cafe to hangout. Jaemin was initially against it at first, always scowling whenever he would see one of them already in the shop, though it seems like he has gotten used to it lately—or rather, he didn't have any other choice but to simply accept it. They would often sometimes come in groups—Jisung and Chenle are big fans of the pastries—but other times it's just one of them who would drop by to visit like Jeno now. My favorite is when all of them drops by to visit, not only because I've started getting closer to them too, but because customers would automatically flock into the shop whenever the "handsome gang" is there. Honestly, I couldn't blame them.

"I'm a little bit short on money this month. I was supposed to get my monthly allowance from my scholarship but something happened so it will be delayed. I have lab things to buy and well—everything sucks." 

Jeno nodded slowly, though I have a feeling he doesn't really understand my plight with money. Spending time with the seven of them has given me a better understanding of each boys' personalities. Jeno, for example, is definitely the calmer one of the bunch. While the others would cause chaos every now and then—Jaemin included, he would be on the side watching them usually with that adorable eye smile of his. He is different from Mark who would mostly jump in to join the fun before calming everyone once things get overboard, though both seem to share the same responsibility over the group. He also seems to be the closest to Jaemin, so by extension, I am also most comfortable around him. 

"How much money do you need?" 

I gave him a look as I reached out for a paper cup to make myself my own hot cocoa. 

"I heard the same question from your best friend before. Are you also going to offer to be my sugar daddy?" 

Jeno choked on his drink and hid his laughter behind his raised cup. 

"Do you want Jaemin to kill me?" 

That made me inappropriately blush.

"Sometimes I just want to bust out a bank like that group everyone is talking about." 

Jeno didn't say anything and continued watching me from the brim of his drink. 

"You think you can do it?" 

"Do what?" I asked as I poured hot cocoa on my cup. I said that off-handedly, I almost forgot my words the moment they left my lips. 

"Rob a bank. You know, do something illegal." 

I leaned back against the counter and craned my head a little sideways as I thought the question over. I didn't actually think of that before so I had to listen to my moral compass a little bit before answering. 

"It depends on the reason." 

Jeno looked surprised by my reply. He was probably expecting a goody two shoes answer from me, which I don’t blame him for, to be honest. Even I am mildly shocked by what I said. 

"The reason?" 

"Yes. I mean, if the only reason I would steal is because I don't have money to support my studies, then no, I wouldn't do it. I have other options. I can work extra jobs or I can just drop out from uni. But if I didn't really have any other choice, if I had to do it for someone really close to me, for example, then I would do it." 

"That is very…"

"Cliche, right? I know. But that's how it works, at least for me," I said with a laugh. "I do know what's good and bad, but I'm willing to jump the gun if I have to." 

I didn't know if it was my imagination, but I thought I heard Jeno murmur something under his breath as I turned to get back to work. 

"I bet Jaemin wouldn't like that." 

-----

PRESENT DAY, a little over one month after the happenings in the first chapter. 

They disappeared like bubbles. No, he disappeared in thin air, like smoke that was blown over by a strong gust of wind. After that night when Jaemin bust through my cafe door, hiding god knows what and asking for temporary shelter, he hasn't shown himself again, apparently leaving while I slipped into a light sleep. Even his friends stopped visiting the cafe which, for a few days, made me genuinely feel scared. Are they okay? What happened to him? Who was he running away from?

That worry slowly and gradually morphed into anger as the days lengthened. I know it was my way of coping with my emotions, but I couldn't help myself. I tried calling him, but the line was cut. It even came to the point that I had to call each of his friends, but it seems like the numbers they gave me were all temporary ones, too. I felt frustrated. I felt...abandoned. 

Was it really easy for him to just cut off all contact with me? 

Was it foolish of me to think that there is...something deeper here than just friendship?

It was the start of winter when the loud ringing of my phone woke me up from my nap. Eyes still heavy with sleep, my first instinct was to look at the clock by my table which registered 1:19AM. I frowned. I was in the middle of finishing a paper before I decided to take a nap but who could be calling me at such an ungodly hour? 

I blearily reached out for my phone and barely looked at the unregistered number before hitting the answer button. 

"Hello?" 

"Noona?"

I froze. Just like that, I felt the sleepiness slowly melt away from my consciousness. I know that voice. 

"Jisung?" 

"Noona, we need your help." 

I sat up on my seat after registering the panic in his voice. I heard another tone suddenly hiss at him from the background before a rustling sound overtook the speakers. It sounded like someone grabbed the phone from his grasp before he could even react.

"Jisung. What's happening—"

"Hello?" The new voice that spoke on the other line made my heart stop. I stared at my wall, wide-eyed.

"Jaemin." 

"I'm sorry. We didn't mean to—"

"Jaemin, we don’t really have any other choice but her, give me the phone," another one jumped in. It was Mark. 

"No. Hyung—"

"We're losing him," my lips parted in shock at what I heard. His voice sounded clearer now and I could very much pick up the iciness on it. Mark has always been so friendly and warm that it threw me off guard. 

"Give me the phone." 

The authority he held made me assume that Jaemin did as he was told. Next thing I know, he was calling out my name from the speaker.

"Mark, yes, I'm listening." 

"Hey. I'm really sorry about this, but we need your help. We really have no other choice, Haechan is in such a bad state—"

That made me stand up and push away from my desk.

"What the hell is going on? What do you mean about Haechan?"

"I'll explain later. We're on our way to you now."

"Wait, what? You don't know my address."

"We'll be there in seven minutes."

That was all he said before he cut off the call, leaving me standing shell-shocked in the middle of my room.

---

They banged on my door not even five minutes after. I had barely pulled on a cardigan when loud knocks rang through my small one bedroom unit causing me to quickly run and grab my knob open. 

I stood frozen at the sight of the seven boys crowding my doorway. Everyone was covered in some sort of soot, leaving them almost unrecognizable in their black outfits. Mark and Jeno were in the middle of the group, carrying a half-conscious Haechan between them. Jisung, Chenle, and Renjun brought the rear, their eyes moving wildly as if checking for eavesdroppers. Jaemin stood closest to me, his jaw tense and his eyes apologetic. My gaze snapped back to the center of the group when Mark called out my name. 

That's when I saw it for the first time. I didn't notice it at first because of its dark color, but Jeno was holding a towel against Haechan's stomach. Except it isn't black, it was a deep dark red.

Blood. 

"Oh my god." 

"Please help us." 

Maybe it was the shock, but I quickly stepped aside to let everyone in. I had barely slammed the door shut when I heard a crashing sound from my small dining area. Jeno pushed everything on top of my table to the ground as Mark and Jaemin gently guided Haechan on it. 

"What—what is going on—"

"He's been shot. Thrice. We're not sure but I think two of the bullets are still there," Renjun answered me as he grabbed the soaked towel from Mark's hand and replaced it with a new one. Jisung and Chenle worked on closing all the shutters of my windows while Jaemin tore off a lamp from my living room to move it close to Haechan. He closed all other lights other than the ones on the dining area and the small lamp.

It was then when my training finally kicked in. I ran towards the table to peer at the wound, my shaking hands gently moving the new towel that is quickly getting soaked by blood again. Haechan gave a soft grunt of pain before slipping to unconsciousness again. 

"I think there are still foreign objects there. It's what causing the severe bleeding."

"Can you take it out?"

My eyes shot to Jeno. The harsh lights from the lamp threw strong shadows on his stressed features. 

"I'm not a licensed doctor."

"We don't need a licensed doctor right now, we need someone who can patch the hole in his stomach. Please." 

I gritted my teeth. I have a ton of questions running through my head right now, but he's right. We need to act fast or else we will lose him. I rolled up my sleeves then and called out to whoever can act fast to my orders. 

"Somebody get the black box under my bed. I have all my surgery practice tools there. I need hot water and lots of towels. Everyone move. Now."

As soon as I said my orders, each of the boys were moving in a flurry to get everything that I asked for. I was adjusting the small lamp directly over the wound to peer at it better when I felt a gentle hand circle around my arm. I looked up to see Jaemin staring at me. 

"Thank you." 

I didn't say anything at first. I don't know if it was the shadows playing over his features, but he looked different from the Jaemin I knew in that brief moment.

"Don't thank me yet. Say that once we're sure he survives."

---

I was stirred from my sleep by the light snoring of someone to my right. Turning my head, I was greeted by the sight of Jisung who was currently sprawled on my sofa, his legs so long that they were dangling on one end. Chenle was on the floor below him, his face covered by one of the pillows he probably fished from one of my love seats cradling Renjun's curled up form. Mark and Jeno were both sitting upright, the former close to Haechan and the other by the door like a sentinel. They seemed to be in deep sleep too, they're heads hanging low. Jaemin was on the floor next to my seat, his breathing slow and relaxed. 

I blinked slowly as my gaze moved from boy to boy. It took me a painful two hours to do the impromptu surgery, first working on taking the bullets out before sewing everything back together. Haechan was lucky enough that the bullets didn't hit any vital organs or important vessels, and that the extreme bleeding was only caused by the wrong muscle being hit by the impact. He slipped from being conscious to unconscious throughout, and everyone had to work together to help me while I did my thing. 

I couldn’t really blame any of them from crashing the moment we made sure that Haechan’s safe—for now. 

After rubbing the sleep from my eyes, I tried to silently move from where I was curled on, careful not to stir anyone. I still have a ton of questions, but those can be taken care of later. I padded as carefully as I could towards the table where Haechan was still resting and peered at the IV that I had hooked on his arm to make sure everything was moving well. 

They even have spare blood bags with them for emergency transfusions. 

...As if this kind of thing normally happens.

"He's going to be okay, right?" 

I hastily turned to see Jaemin staring at me. His voice was low and was only loud enough for me to hear. 

I stared at him for a bit before looking away. 

"Yes. He'll survive."

"Thank you so much." 

I didn't answer. He also didn't say anything else, though I could still feel his gaze heavily on me. I braced myself before speaking again.

"We need to talk." 

I didn't wait for him to reply. I simply walked towards my room, leaving my door open for him to follow. I only turned back to look at him when I finally heard it close softly behind him.

"Who are you?" I asked, before he could even say anything else. I watched as his jaw tightened and released, his eyes full of indecisiveness. I didn't waver. Not this time. 

"You said…"

"That I will never ask questions? I did. But I can't do it anymore, Jaemin. You disappeared for a month without even saying goodbye then showed up on my door with your friends, one of them with a hole in their stomach. You have blood bags—freaking blood bags. What the hell is going on?" 

I tried my hardest to control my voice, not wanting any part of this conversation to be heard outside. My legs felt weak at the moment but I tried my best to continue standing so I could hold his gaze. 

The look in Jaemin's eyes, however, almost made me want to give up. I knew from the pain and hesitation there that I wouldn't like whatever it is he is about to say.

"I'm a criminal."

My stomach dropped. 

I was expecting it, but hearing it straight from him didn't soften the impact and the shock. 

"A…" 

"We steal. We do illegal things. There is absolutely no good way for me to describe this, but yes, I am a runaway who was stupid enough to bring you into this mess," Jaemin said through gritted teeth as he tore his eyes away from me. He ran a hand through his hair and tried to take a deep breath to steady himself.

"I was stupid and I'm sorry. I shouldn't have gone back and tried to befriend you after that order of coffee. I'm sorry I ran to you that night a month ago. I seriously thought I was going to die and I wanted you to be the one that I see for the last time. I'm sorry for today, or that I couldn't answer any of your questions back then. It was selfish of me to keep you in my life without giving you anything back," he stopped and forced himself to look at me again. My heart squeezed painfully in my chest when our gazes met. 

"I'm sorry." 

I didn't… couldn't say anything. One part of me had already expected this because it is the only reason that makes sense. Those vague answers, his detachment from normal society, the money, every clue seems to point to one direction, but that didn't spare me from my moral dilemma now. Because while I knew, I didn't exactly consider how it relates to me.

I was afraid to.

Because the truth is, I like Na Jaemin to the extent that I'm afraid of what I can do for him.

"Do you kill…" I asked in a whisper, my voice shaky. A frown passed his already stressed features before he answered.

"No. None of us do," he answered, and I knew then that he was telling the truth. Regardless of what he is or what he didn't tell me, I trust him to not lie to me.

"Am I—am I in danger?" I asked next. He firmly shook his head.

"No. I made sure of that. No one would dare—" he stopped, as if gauging what words he can use to not scare me even more. "You have always been under protection." 

That’s when it clicked. The cafe visits from his friends. The random strangers who seem to spring out from nowhere every time I was out and about and needed sudden help. 

My legs finally gave way and I collapsed on my bed behind me. My mind was trying its best to wrap around the situation, leaving my thoughts in a jumble. There are a million things I wanted to say, but I couldn’t get a single one out at the moment. 

Jaemin seemed to know what I was feeling at the very least because he simply stood there, silently watching me. I'm not sure how long the two of us stayed in that bubble of silence, but it was also him who brought me back to reality when I felt warmth cover my hands.

I looked up to see him kneeling in front of me, both his hands gently enveloping my clasped ones. The look in his eyes made my heart lurch, but I couldn't bring myself to say anything still. 

"I'm sorry if I was selfish… I promise, after this, you won't have to worry about anything else."

No. 

"When I met you, I saw something that's so different from the life that I have. Believe me, I tried my best to leave you alone, but I wanted more of it—more of —you, so I kept coming back." 

Are you going to leave me again?

"But you'll be safe now. I promise. You can go back to how it used to be before I… almost ruined it." 

Please don't leave me. 

Jaemin gave my hands one last squeeze and I felt him move to straighten himself. Before he let them go, however, another gentle warmth pressed against my forehead as he grazed it with his lips. 

"Thank you."

My tears dropped the same time the doors closed behind him. 

---

Chapter 4

[donaidk]

Marcus Armstrong - Almost Home I.

In advance: This is getting a Part 2 for sure. I don’t want to leave it here, but at the same time I felt like it would be really long if I left it in one piece. Turns out I have a whole lot of inspiration for Marcus fics right now. 😂 I also wanna let everyone, who’s waiting for their request, know that uni is starting next week for me. It means less free time, but I will make sure to finish every one of them in the next week or so, and then focus on all the series I started. There’s gonna be slower updates to them, but I’ll make sore to have one or two per week at least. Hopefully they won’t try to kill us in the starting weeks and I will finish up the Lando one so I could start posting that every week and just add some parts from the others to the queue 😊

Thank you Anon for requesting this one though, and sorry for the wait. Hope you will enjoy it and as it’s almost the next day here, have a really happy start to your Friday everyone 🧡

Kind of Taglist: @mickschumcher​, @art-gp​

Title Song | Masterlist | Taglist/Queue | Request

With the Australian GP knocking on the door Melbourne filled up with tourists and fans even more than usual. The first time I got to witness it in 2017 was actually scary in a way for someone who didn’t know the city well yet. Getting from one part of the city to another was a hard task already, and all the shouting and crazy fans weren’t of much help when I tried to get some usable info out of them so I could finally get to my destination and get off the streets. It almost held me back from choosing Melbourne’s university, but I had to remind myself that it was just once a year and I shouldn't give up my plans because of it. Melbourne was beautiful and their schools were highly rated, giving me everything for a stable future. Luckily I was never disappointed by my choices as it was easy to get used to the life here and I even found some new friends who helped me every time I felt homesick. It wasn’t the worst usually, as I was truly content with how my life was going, but sometimes it just hit me out of nowhere and in those moments they were always there for me.

It was now the third year when we lived through the race weekend, meaning we finally had a working schedule with which we still followed our usual plans but stayed out of the bigger crowds. Although we were in the middle of the semester we always found time to enjoy the still warm weather and spend most of our free time outside. Usually our choice was the beach for the afternoons as even though it was packed until noon, the tourists never stayed for long. We usually arrived in the late afternoon and stayed well after the sun went down, and the temperature went down a little finally. The water usually stayed comfortable until later in the evening making it bearable for almost a whole 24 hours if you weren’t squeamish. Even if you were after spending a few weeks at the beach, everyone got used to it.

As soon as everyone finished with their lectures we got our things together and took the 5 minutes walk down to the beach. We had a favourite spot which was luckily never taken when we got down there. For a few minutes we just sat down, talking about our weeks. I shared a dorm room with two other girls, but we had a few friends who had their own apartments or lived with their family a bit farther away from our university. We usually had one or two days every week to catch up with them as in between lectures we were either too tired or didn’t have the time to do so. But most of the afternoons were ours fully and we used it the best we could to relax but still use that time to make memories for the few years we’re spending together. We could say it’s gonna stay the same after we graduate but everyone knew we would move to different countries as soon as we weren’t connected to Australia. Even I planned to go home, although I enjoyed living here and getting to be independent without my family behind my back.

“ Are you coming? ” One of the girls asked me, as they were already walking down to the water, while I was still standing around our towels with my phone in my hand. I was in the middle debating which sunset photo I should post from my gallery, but her voice made me look up.

“ Just a second. I’ll catch up. ” I smiled at her before looking back down at my screen. In the end my finger finally tapped the posting button and I pushed it aside while I got the sundress off that was on over my bikini.

Right before I would have ran after the girls, the device was back in my hands so I could check that the picture uploaded without a problem. A smile got on my face when I saw a reaction from one of my family members but as soon as it showed the whole list of the people who looked at my story, it faded away. For the past few months whenever I posted something he was always there in the first few seconds or at least minutes. I couldn’t understand what changed that he showed up in my life again, but I didn't really want to give him space in my thoughts either. It has been almost 4 years since we last talked and could call each other best friends, but I wasn’t about to take the first step and message him after he forgot about me until now. I just dropped my phone back into my bag, closing it and then caught up with my friends so they could make me forget about him again.

We spent quite some time in the water, swimming a few laps back and forth before just standing around and enjoying the last rays of sunshine while we chatted away. My thoughts were already in a different direction thanks to all the different topics that came up between us. Sometimes it was harder to make me forget time and time again, but turns out today I only needed some distraction and everything was set for an enjoyable night. With the sun completely off the sky the temperature dropped quickly and it was getting a bit chilly  for my liking in just a few minutes. When it was truly uncomfortable I gave up and walked back to the shore, sitting down on my own blanket and draping my towel around my shoulders. It immediately brought enough warmth over my body that I stopped shivering and could wait for them until they would get cold too. Until then I just went onto my phone to go through some posts of my friends. Sometimes I looked up to check on them just so they wouldn’t leave me out of something. One of those times I saw a person coming my way and although I didn’t mind too much attention to it, when he continued and there was no one else in my close proximity I felt like he might be coming to me. In the end I was right as he turned right towards me and then stopped just a few steps away from our blankets.

“ Never thought you would exchange our lovely and perfect red stars for ugly white ones. ” He spoke up and I could recognise the voice even though his face was almost unseeable thanks to him standing with his back towards the moon. My jaw dropped immediately and I felt like I grew roots into the ground as I couldn’t move my body. “ If you want me to fuck off, just tell me. It’s okay. I just thought we could maybe talk, and from the pictures I saw that you’re here. Hoped you didn’t go home yet so I could catch you and... ” He started rambling but I was quick to finally push myself up and hug him immediately. I always imagined our reunion with me being angry at him, but somehow I couldn’t get myself to feel that way now that he was standing right in front of me.

“ You idiot. ” I told him not leaving any space for questions and I could feel as he finally relaxed and hugged me back. “ The biggest in the whole world. ” I added with a sigh, closing my eyes as my brain started functioning again and I had an urge to kick his shin at least.

“ I can live with that. ” Marcus let out a laugh and I could feel as my heart jumped a little at the sound. It was something that always reminded me of our home and spending every possible second together. “ I’m sorry for disappearing. ” He let out a sigh, letting go of me only when we realised my wet bathing suit soaked his shirt, although even he didn’t care about it for too long.

“ What are you doing here? I thought F2 wasn't coming here. ” I asked him confused, knowing that we wouldn’t be in this situation if he traveled here for one of the races in the past two years. “ Not like I’m complaining, but I can hardly believe my own eyes and senses. ” I shook my head a little before looking up at him again. He changed, quite a bit since we last met and even though I saw pictures of him it was different in a face-to-face situation.

“ Ferrari invited a few of us so we could gather some experience. The speed I accepted the offer with might have raised some eyebrows. ” Marcus hid his face in his palm, making me chuckle as I could see the situation unfold in front of my eyes like I was there. “ Thought I would DM you and ask if you wanted to meet up maybe. But I realized it would be better offline. ” I had to roll my eyes at his first idea although I knew he wasn’t lying and it for sure went through his brain as a real possibility.

“ You’re lucky you didn’t. I would have blocked you forever I think. My plan was connecting my fist with your face if we ever meet again, right until you showed up here. ” I shook my head with a smile, as I wasn’t proud of what I wanted to do to him. “ I was really angry when you just stopped talking to me. I tried so hard to reach you, but it felt like you didn’t even exist anymore even though they were talking about you almost every week. ” I sighed, sitting back down and leaving enough space for him too.

“ Would have been deserved actually. ” His fingers scratched at the nape of his neck and I could see the tint of purple traveling up his neck. I watched him as he sat down, pulling his legs up and resting his arms onto them. “ I really am sorry. For a part everything got busy with all the training, races and studying, but at the same time I know damn well a message here and there should have been possible. I messed up, everything. ” His eyes shined even in the minimal light of the moon, and I could get myself to look away. Even feeling the burning stares on my back from my friends didn’t get me to turn around.

“ I won’t say that it’s okay, but I accept your apology. How could I not. ” I let out a breath that I realized was still stuck in me since the initial surprise took over my body. “ It feels like we didn’t even skip over like 3 years of each other’s life. Only difference is that you’re finally taller than me, but the baby face’s still there. ” My hand went up to his cheek to pat it gently like my grandma did for him all the time when he came over for lunch. He always hated it but knew that it was a gesture of love from her and a way to show Marcus that she considered him part of our family.

“ Yeah, I guess it’s going to stay forever. ” Marcus huffed, moving his head back a little to avoid my attack, although he failed miserably. “ I almost forgot, congrats for uni. I remember how hard you were studying to get in. Everyone home was ecstatic when I told them about it. ” His hand slapped his forehead, making me laugh with his expression at the slight stinging he caused himself.

“ Thank you, but it’s nothing compared to your second place last year. ” I shrugged a little but as soon as his lips pulled into a slight smirk my eyes rolled on their own. “ Surprise, surprise, I followed your career. Just as much as you followed my life for the past few months. ” I poked him in the ribs with my finger, making him wince for a second before we both started laughing at the little sound he made.

“ Fair. I still hate how Instagram shows who opened your stories. ” He shook his head a little and both of our heads turned towards the water when we realized the background chatting was getting closer and closer to where we were sitting. They were just a few meters away when my eyes landed on their figures and I sensed when Marcus stood up from next to me, making me push myself up too.

I didn’t feel too anxious about him meeting my other friends, although I knew what this meant for my evening at the dorm with them. They would have an immense amount of questions both about him and us, even though I already mentioned him when we were bringing up our past. A few of them even knew about my past feelings about him and how him reappearing on my socials played with my emotions, but they only saw a few photos of him. This was another level and I knew he would be the topic for at least the next week between us, for one reason or another. Depends on how we get on from this point and if we manage to keep in contact when they have to fly away again.

“ Oh, I knew it wasn’t just my imagination. I told you someone was coming here. ” My roommate spoke up as soon as they got close enough to make us out from the darkness. “ You’re Marcus, right? ” She stepped right in front of him, reaching her hand out while introducing herself. I always admired her boldness even in front of strangers.

“ Yes, although I didn’t know so many people knew me from here. ” Marcus let out an uneasy chuckle, looking at me a bit concerned. I just shook my head dismissively, almost telling him that it was just a ‘Girl group’ thing. Relief washed over me though that I didn’t share a lot about him, behind his back.

I watched from the sideline as everyone introduced themselves to him and for a second it felt domestic as all of them shot me a concerned glance towards me. It felt like they would pounce at him if they saw that I was uncomfortable in his presence. While it made me feel loved in a way, I also didn’t want them to really chip on the situation. It was something that better dealt with in private as I felt like we had to talk lots of things through to get back to the friendship we left behind years ago. This wasn’t the setting for a conversation like that.

“ We should probably get home before it gets really late. School won’t wait in the morning. ” I spoke up before any of them could start questioning him. We would never be able to get going then. “ Maybe we can catch up sometime before the race? I’m sure you will have enough to do during the weekend. ” I turned back towards Marcus who looked just as relieved as I did seconds ago.

“ Yeah, that would be better. Maybe lunch, or a coffee in the afternoon? Whenever you’re free of course. ” He nodded a little, still glancing at the girls who were either packing up or staring him down behind me.

“ I’m up for either of those. Surprise me. ” I grinned at him, feeling the pull on my arm when everyone was ready. “ Is your number the same? ” I asked him, already taking a step back, but waiting for his answers.

“ Yes. Never changed. ” Marcus nodded again, a little smile playing on his lips at the idea that we’re going to meet up again probably. At least I hoped so. Why else would he stalk me down and come up to me for a chat?

“ I’m gonna text you in the morning when’s my last lecture. We can meet up after that. ” I told them, before turning around with one last wave and catching up to my group. I could only hope that they would at least let me sleep before the questions start pouring out of them all at once.

[therosebudgirlwriter]

Little Puff Daycare (Chapter 6: Lasagna and Panic)

Simon 

After I explain the situation to Rosie (Who raises her eyebrow and sighs. Just like Baz used to), I find a bus to Baz’s. Rosie is pretty quiet throughout the whole trip. Once we get off I let Rosie lead the way to this massive apartment complex. She must visit him a lot. I shoot a quick text to Baz, letting him know we arrived, and then we head up to his apartment. 

The apartment is a lot smaller than I would have expected. And every single surface is covered in arts and crafts done by Rosie. It’s a lot more cluttered than I would expect, but it still somehow looks so neat and tidy. 

Rosie starts unpacking her bag and telling me where everything thing goes. She’s such a smart little kid. She makes me stick her family portrait on the fridge. It’s only her and Baz. 

It’s still cute though. I’m sure her parents will love it nonetheless. I’ll ask Baz to send them a photo of it. 

My phone buzzes and I quickly check it. It’s only an email from one of the parents. I open up my messages with Baz. Just to check if it sent. He’s read it. 

That’s good. And he can’t really respond. He’s in a lecture after all. 

I close my phone before I send him twenty more texts.

“SIMON COME LOOK AT MY ROOM!” Rosie screams. Her room? Huh?

“Inside voice Rosie.” I tell her as she tugs me down the hallway. There only seems to be one room. Maybe she stays there when she sleeps over here. She pushes open the door to the room. It looks so neat. At school, Baz never had a single thing out of place in his side of our room. I see that hasn’t changed. He still has his violin. I used to tell him how much I hated it (LIES). I wonder if he still plays. 

Rosie pokes me until I look back at her. 

“MY ROOM NOWWWW! Oops sorry Mr Simon. I don’t like inside voices” 

At least she’s honest. 

She drags me into what appears to be the walk in closet. Well, what was the walk in closet. A small bed is pushed up against the wall. The shelving on the opposite side is filled with Baz’s clothes. 

He must have made her a room for when she stays over. So cute (I’m not sure if I mean the room or Baz - or both). 

While we are playing with her Barbies, my phone buzzes. It’s Baz.

Thank you for not getting her killed. There is leftover lasagna in the fridge for the both of you. 

U r welcome. Thnx 4 the food.

Please learn to spell. 

I find myself giggling. How stupid. 

Rosie and I play Barbies for a bit longer. Eventually she starts getting hungry, so I heat up the lasagne. Next week I’ll get Rosie to cook something with me. Or maybe we could bake something! Like scones. Then she won’t have to eat mine.

After we both finish the lasagne, we settle down on the couch and watch Nemo. 

Rosie dozes off about half way through the movie. I look at my phone and realise it’s already 6:35. Baz should be here soon then. Just then, my phone buzzes. Speak of the devil. 

Hey Simon. I am leaving uni now. I will see you in half an hour.

kk - also rosie fell asleep on the couch, do I put her in her bed?

Baz

Shit. He knows. He’s seen her room. He must know she’s my kid now. I stupidly forgot that he doesn’t know. He’s going to hate me again. 

I think I’m going to be sick. My phone buzzes twice and I almost drop it. I hesitantly open my conversation with him. 

He’s sent me a picture of her asleep on the couch. She’s got her favourite Barbie in her hands. 

you’re so lucky - she’s a real cutie

I am lucky. I know the whole teen father thing wasn’t great, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. I would choose her over anyone. 

You can put her to bed. She looks exhausted. Thank you.

Simon

Rosie cleans her teeth and changes into her pjs before she crawls into bed. She’s asleep within an instant. Teachers always say they don’t have favourites, but they do. Rosie is definitely one of mine. Don’t get me wrong, I love all the kids I teach.

I’ve always loved kids. I would spend my summers away from school helping mum at the daycare. I never thought of doing anything else. And getting a job at a kindergarten isn’t that hard when your mum owns one. 

I wonder what Baz is studying at uni? I’ll have to ask. I’ll do that after I ring Penny and Shep. 

Baz

I’m late. For the second time. Snow has cursed me. I run up to the door and let myself in. Simon is sitting on the couch, staring into space. He does that a lot. I walk up and tap him on the shoulder.

I regret it instantly.

He grabs my arm and shoves me to the floor as he scrambles off the couch and turns to face me.

“Ouch Snow.” I whine from where I lay sprawled on the floor. My head hurts.

“Shit Baz. You scared me!”

“I think you’ve given me a concussion, you brute.” I whinge, while rubbing the back of my head.

“Sorry!” he says, while pulling me off the floor. He sets me down on the couch and runs off down the hallway. 

Brilliant.

Surprisingly, he returns. He offers me a pack of peas and corn wrapped in a tea towel. 

“I really am sorry Baz.”

“It’s fine Simon. I’ll be fine.”

I’m surprised Rosie didn’t wake up after all the loud noises. She is quite a heavy sleeper.

And then I remember the fact that Simon definitely knows about Rosie and I. Shit, I think I might vomit.

Simon

Baz suddenly looks quite ill. He looks at the floor and takes some deep breaths.

Have I missed something? 

Shit. I don’t know what to do. 

In a panic I blurt out the first thing that comes to mind. 

“Are your parents too old to look after Rosie or something?” 

Wtf Brain. Way to make Baz hate you again.

“Sorry. You just look after her a lot. Way more than any of the other kids siblings.”

He just looks at me, slowly blinking. 

Baz

Oh, my sweet, sweet Simon. You are so thick.

He really doesn’t know. 

I didn’t account for the fact that Snow was so incredibly dense. I mean in high school, he broke up with his long term girlfriend (ugh) Agatha, only for her to tell him she’d already explicitly broken up with him. Twice.

“Sorry Baz. I didn’t mean to sticky beak. I just think you’re a great brother. You do so much for her.”

He’s being so sweet and open. I should tell him.

But I just can’t. 

So I do the only thing I know to do.

“Were you watching Finding Nemo, Simon? Aren’t you a bit too old for that?”

He looks at me, then to the TV before he realises what I’m talking about. Good lord. He is so thick. 

Simon

He totally deflected that compliment. Doesn’t matter. I catch him up on what Rosie and I did and he nods along. I remember he hasn’t eaten anything, so when he finally goes to wash up I defrost the leftover lasagne and put away the now completely melted peas and corn packet. 

Baz still takes like 20 minutes to shower. I didn’t expect anything different

Baz

Simon shoves a plate of lasagne at me when I walk into the kitchen. 

“Thought you might be a bit hungry.” He mutters, looking at the floor. Christ, he’s adorable. And I am quite hungry.

Simon just sort of sits and watches me as I eat. Younger me would have pretended to hate the attention. I don’t. 

Once I finish eating I start on the dishes but half way through my phone starts ringing. It’s Ellie.

I go to my bedroom to answer, just in case she says something stupid. 

Good thing I did.

“How was Rosie’s playdate with the love of your life?”

“Be quiet you eejit. He’s still here.”

“HELLO SIMON. ” she screeches. Thank goodness she’s not on speaker.

“He’s in the lounge room.”

I can practically hear her pout through the phone.

“Why’s he still over? It’s almost 10pm Basilton. You have some pLaNs?”

I hate her. Plus it’s not that late. It’s like 9pm. I say as much.

“Actually Basilton, I think you’ll find that it’s 9:48. So I was right. And you didn’t answer my question.”

“Bye Ellie!” I say, hanging up.

He’s still here. Why?

Simon

When Baz rushes out of the room, I finish off the dishes and go to call Penny and Shep. 

It’s like 9:50. I should go.

I get halfway to the door, but I turn back around. I feel bad. I can’t just leave. Plus, Baz hasn’t kicked me out yet.

Maybe he wants me here.

Ha, as if.

[vigilvntes]

Bruises - Kylo Ren x Fem!Reader (Star Wars)

A/N: the way i had the opening of this in my drafts for ages and then at the big time of 2am i decided i wanted to rewrite the whole thing and get it published ;) i’m so much more motivated to write than usual when i should be doing uni work but oh well more kylo content for you guys <33 inbox is always open for requests while im actually writing so feel free to send and i hope you enjoy <33

Word count: 1900+

Warnings: mentions of minor injuries. 

You walked out of the casino, wincing as the harsh evening winds hit your bare arms. The dress you wore did little to nothing to protect you from the weather, but the last thing you expected to be doing was leaving the venue in search of your date.

Canto Bight was never your favourite place. In your opinion, it was filled with sleazes, who only came to the city for three things: money, booze and sex. However, you were the daughter of a noble family and despite your wishes, your family often sent you along to the gatherings they were expected to attend, assuming that you would fit in with the crowd more than they would. They thought you’d enjoy the party, enjoy the alcohol, even the attention you often seemed to draw to yourself. How wrong they were.

However, there was always one saving grace to evenings like these: Commander Kylo Ren, of the First Order.

The two of you weren’t official, as much as you would like to be. You understood that he had work to do, with his grandfather leaving big boots to fill, he barely had time to sleep, let alone date. But for some strange reason, you were different. You caught his attention, and he made sure to make time for you, whether that meant attending parties and events with you, or simply going out of his way to visit you, if only for an hour. 

Truthfully, you had spent many nights lying awake, tears in your eyes as you thought about your future, which you hoped would be with Kylo. Would he eventually ask you to be his girlfriend? Would he want to marry? To him, those questions would seem trivial, of no importance. He loved you, and would find ways to show you. But to you they meant a lot, and you were hoping for some kind of answers sometime soon. 

You shook your head as you made your way over to the short wall which surrounded the casino, leaning on it, using your elbows to keep yourself propped up as your head rested in your hand. Your gaze flitted between the city and the body of water beyond, which seemed strangely calm despite the mean winds. For a moment, you forgot about the cold, forgot about why you had even come outside in the first place as you watched the waves slowly made their way towards the shore. 

Your peace was soon interrupted.

A pair of hands snaked around your waist from behind and you let out a yelp, turning around quickly to face whoever had touched you, ready to defend yourself as much as you possibly could. Until you heard that familiar, smug chuckle come from behind a mask. You knew exactly who it was before you.

You rolled your eyes, “Way to make an entrance, Commander.” Despite your annoyance, you truly were happy to see him. Immediately you pulled him towards you and wrapped your arms around him, smiling into his chest as you felt him return the gesture. 

Eventually, you pulled away and narrowed your eyes at the man. “Don’t think you’ve gotten away with it. I still have a bone to pick with you.”

Despite how hard he tried to hide it, you heard him sigh lightly underneath the mask and mumble a disgruntled, “Go on.”

“First of all you’re late.”

“(Y/N), I had bus-”

“I’m not finished.” If anyone else spoke to him that way, they would surely be punished. But not you. He allowed you to put him in his place, mainly because he couldn’t ever bring himself to snap at you, but also because he found you too cute when you were pissed off with him.

You took his silence as a go ahead to continue with your rant. “You’re late. Your clothes are ruined. Your helmet still has smoke coming from it. Do I need to continue? How did you even get here? Where have you been?”

“Like I said-”

“Take it off.” You demanded. You were sick of hearing the robotic voice coming from the mask already. You wanted to speak with Kylo, not Commander Ren. 

An almost stunned silence washed over him and he replied to your demand with a quiet, “T-take it off?”

“The helmet, genius. Take it off.”

The two of you stared at each other for a moment, but eventually he reached his hands up and pulled the helmet from his head, revealing a mop of dark, curly hair, which had grown longer since the last time you saw one another, and just as you had expected, new cuts adorned his face, almost nicking the gauze of the scar he had attained during the destruction of Starkiller. But what really caught your attention was the black eye. 

He simply stared at you, waiting patiently for you to react, prepared to accept anything you threw his way. But for a moment you said nothing, all you could do was sigh.

After a minute, you moved closer to him and reached up, your fingers tracing the scar on his cheek, offering him a small, sympathetic smile, “If I remember correctly, the invitation said black tie, not black eye, Ren.”

Kylo couldn’t help but smile at your comment, and you were glad to hear his deep voice, which you had missed so dearly, reply with, “I must have read it wrong.”

“You wanna tell me how Kylo Ren, Commander of the First Order, has ended up with a black eye?”

His smile dropped at your inquiry to know more about his injuries, and your smile followed suit as you realised exactly what had happened. “It was them, wasn’t it?” You asked.

“Who?”

“Don’t play dumb with me, Kylo. It was the Scavenger and her Resistance friends, wasn’t it?”

His silence said everything. He pushed his tongue into his cheek and looked away from you, almost embarrassed. And truthfully, it was quite embarrassing. He was Commander Ren. He was feared. Respected. Yet he couldn’t even manage to capture and kill a scavenger girl. 

You turned away from him, moving your attention back to the sea, crossing your arms. He knew you were pissed and he’d have to talk his way out of this one somehow. His silence simply wasn’t enough.

“(Y/N). I’m sorry that I turned up so late.” You didn’t even move, let alone reply, so he continued. “And I’m sorry about the state of my attire.” No reply. “And.... I would also like to apologise for the state of my face.” He wasn’t usually one to apologise to anyone, but a genuine apology from him was the only way for him to bounce back from his fuck up’s.

You tried your hardest to keep your composure, but one of the most powerful men in the galaxy apologising for his face was enough to bring a smile to anyone’s lips. “I guess she got you good, huh?”

He came to your side after hearing your joking retort, “You could say that.” He found himself thinking this too often, but if anyone else had mocked him this way he most likely would have destroyed a wall or two. He knew you would never think of him as a failure, or an embarrassment, as many probably did. Your light-hearted jabs at him were mainly for your own comfort. To make light of any bad situation he often found himself in.

You sighed, leaning your head onto his shoulder. You hated how quickly you could melt back into him again, but you couldn’t waste any more precious time you had together being angry or upset, “I just worry about you,”

“I know. But you shouldn’t,” He mumbled. “I can be reckless. I throw myself into danger. But I also come back fine.” He knew to you those words would probably mean nothing, but he was trying his best to comfort you. 

“You make it so hard not to worry. I mean, this war you’ve got going on... It’s so much bigger than you, or me, or the Scavenger girl. And truthfully, I’m scared. Terrified, actually. For you, for me. For my family. For everyone, really.” That was the first time you had ever admitted your fears to him. There was no way he’d give up his title, give up the First Order, but you hoped he’d provide you with a little reassurance that things would be okay. 

His grip on you tightened, not so much that it would hurt you, but enough to know that he felt every word you spoke. “You know I wouldn’t ever let anything happen to you, or anyone you care about. I care about you too much to hurt you like that.” He stepped in front of you and knelt down, taking both of your hands. “As for everything else, I can’t make any promises. No one, not even the Supreme Leader knows what’s coming next. All I can ask is that you trust me enough to make the right choices.”

His words, for some reason you couldn’t quite decipher, felt like they held some hidden meaning. Like he was planning something drastic, or he knew something drastic would happen in the future. But you took these thoughts with a grain of salt, choosing not to press him any further, and instead choosing to trust him, as he asked of you. Squeezing his hand lightly, you offered him a small smile, “Of course I trust you. I’d trust you with my life. Just... Do what’s right. And if it doesn’t feel or seem right then... Don’t.”

He nodded and stood up slowly, “Of course.” After a few moments of peaceful silence shared between the two of you, as you processed each other’s words, he broke it. “You’re going to have my head the next time I see you, I know, but I have to go.”

Your eyebrows furrowed, “You have to go? As in you’re not staying?”

“I can’t tell you how sorry I am, and I know I said I’d join you for the night but given how today went, I’m not even supposed to be here.”

“Oh, and where exactly are you supposed to be?” You knew the answer already, and you knew he’d probably be in some deep trouble, you just wanted him to say it himself.

Once again, he pushed his tongue into his cheek before replying with, “The Supremacy.”

Bingo, you thought to yourself. The Supremacy. The Supreme Leader’s ship. And Kylo chose to go out of his way to see you first, prioritising you over his master. You couldn’t help but feel flattered, even though your plans for the night had been ruined. You gave him a small smile, “I suppose because you came to me first, and because I’m almost certain the Supreme Leader is gonna give you a harder time than I ever could, I’ll let this one go,”

“I appreciate that.” He leant down and pressed his lips to yours gently, and when he pulled away, he left another on your forehead. “I’ll see you soon, I promise.”

As you watched him walk away, towards the steps, you wished you could go with him. Be by his side, be able to see him everyday. Even though you knew that wasn’t exactly possible at the moment, you couldn’t help but ask. Before you could stop yourself, you had called his name, and he, already a few metres away, had turned to look back at you. 

He knew what you were going to ask, and this time his answer was more hopeful than it had been before. He couldn’t tell you what was to come, but he hoped it would work for the both of you.

“Kylo I-.... One day, will you take me with you?”

He nodded his head slowly, and spoke only one word, “Soon.”

[omoi-no-hoka]

Hey! I saw your blog today and I love it very much!! I see you're an open person so, I also have a question: HOW does one survive studying japanese at uni?? I'm in my first year and only my second (online haha) semester and we started out with Minna no nihongo 1 but we're supposed to finish Minna 2 by the end of this semester, same with Basic Kanji book 1 in the first sem and now Basic Kanji Book 2, all while also learning mostly of Japan's history and others in this semester. Exams will kill me

Hello! I’m glad you’re enjoying my blog! I am open to a fault lol. Let me recount my meandering journey through uni, illustrating my feelings through gifs of Noel Fielding because he is my celebrity crush.

Uni is such a difficult time for so many people, trying to figure out who you are now and who you want to be later. It wasn’t until my senior year that I realized what I wanted to do. I started writing out my university experience and it got super long, so allow me to just summarize my “Lessons Learned” here and you can read the rest if you want to know all the dirty deets lol. I double-majored in Japanese and English, so I think that my experience can perhaps be useful to people who are majoring in things other than Japanese as well. 

Hard-Learned Lessons from Uni

Do not choose a course of study because it is “practical.” Choose it because it is something you love. Seriously. Nothing is more important than this point. Do not choose a major because “I’ll make a lot of money” or “My parents are telling me this is good for me.” 

If you are learning multiple languages at once, you must give your brain time to organize what you learned from one language lesson before moving on to the next. You can do this by waiting a couple hours between lessons, getting up and walking around, studying one language in different space from the other, etc. Otherwise, it all becomes a terrible mess in your head.

It’s okay not to know what you want your career to be. It’s okay not to have a specific plan. Life works out one way or the other.

I know how expensive uni can be. (It’s been six years since I graduated and I’m still making hefty loan payments.) But don’t feel like you have to take a full courseload every single semester and graduated asap, particularly if the classes are hard and/or you are working. I took the maximum credit hours allowed every semester on top of working RIDICULOUS hours and it nearly killed me at one point. I’m not kidding. 

It is not unusual to have an identity crisis and/or mental breakdown. Take care of yourself. Know when you are nearing breaking point. Seek out the help of professionals. Most universities have psychiatrists and therapists that will see you very cheaply. 

Surround yourself with good people and look out for each other. 

Do not rely on substances to ease your suffering because sometimes the remedy becomes the malady. Not saying you should avoid all parties or anything square like that, but just don’t be one of those people that parties every night and gets in over their head. 

Let me preface this by stating that I’m an American, and our universities are stupid because they force us to take a ton of “general education” courses that are irrelevant to our majors, and many students spend their first couple years taking only a couple courses related to their majors and minors, and try to focus on getting those stupid gen eds out of the way. 

Year 1: Oh Shit, This Is Harder Than I Thought It Would Be

I come from a town of less than 2600 people. Our high school prepared its students for the following career paths:

joining the military (boys only)

becoming a farmer (boys only)

welding, carpentry, or other practical jobs (boys only)

becoming a housewife (girls only)

So basically I coasted through high school never having to study anything because it was one great big joke, only I thought I was like super duper smart because I was in the top five of my graduating class of 48. LOLLLLLLLLL

I entered university as a German major, Japanese minor. (Japanese was not offered as a major at my uni). I had never studied German previously, but I studied Spanish and French in high school and I just had this feeling that German and Japanese were the languages for me. 

The first semester, I had Japanese 101 and German 101 back to back, in the EXACT SAME CLASSROOM. I can’t stress enough how much of a mindfuck it was to go from thinking about Japanese for 50 minutes, having a 10 minute break, and then trying to switch your brain to German. IN THE SAME ROOM. It actually gave me headaches to try and make that mental jump. Managed to pull through the year with A’s in both, but German was much more of a challenge to me than Japanese. Which was really unexpected. 

I also flunked several gen eds because I didn’t give a shit about them and skipped them and got placed on academic probation and was nearly kicked out of uni because of my poor grades

Basically, I was such a weeb that I had watched enough anime with subtitles and sung along to enough anime songs that I had absorbed about 90% of the first year’s worth of Japanese vocab and grammar through osmosis. I really did have the power of God and anime on my side.

Year 2: The Year of the Mid-Midlife Crisis and Mental Breakdown

There really is no gif that will encapsulate the level of turmoil I went through that year. I looked really hard for one, trust me.

It became apparent very quickly that I could not keep up with German. I ended up dropping it early in the first semester, which meant I had to choose a new major. Thinking of what would be practical to pair with a Japanese minor, I went for International Business for a semester, took Accounting, and realized that I HATE The Man, corporate bullshit, and also numbers as a concept.

All I knew at this point was that I liked Japanese but couldn’t make it a major. I also knew I didn’t want to transfer universities. So I kept taking gen eds, just barely passing them because to this day I cannot bring myself to put effort into something I do not care about, and also taking more classes related to my Japanese minor. It was the Japanese classes that saved my GPA and kept me from getting kicked out of uni.

At the same time, I took a creative writing course because that’s been a hobby of mine since elementary school, and I kinda thought about an English major, but then was like, “Eww I don’t wanna be forced to read books I don’t give a shit about. And also, what will I do with that degree?”

Also, at the same time, I was working full time, and often getting stuck working from 2 pm to 7 am (Yes, 15-hour shifts, because the overnight dude would call in sick last minute and I’d be begged to cover his shift), and then dragging myself to classes and drooling on the desks because I’d fall asleep.

Also also, I started to have possible hallucinations? To this day I don’t know what was going on, but either I was legitimately going crazy, or there was a demon following me around and being quite rude to me, making light fixtures fall and shatter inches from my head, throwing papers around my room, opening and closing doors, turning lights off and on, coming to me in dreams and doing some really, really traumatic things to me in them, and just standing in corners staring at me at all hours of the night. Had me so scared that towards the end of the school year I was waiting to sleep until sunrise, when it would go away. And no, I was not using any mind-altering substances of any sort. Not even going out and getting drunk. 

So, yeah. Year Two was a hard one that I can’t believe I pushed through. Probably the darkest year of my life, I’d say. What got me through it? An unhealthy amount of energy drinks, friends, and my love of Japanese. Also Aerosmith.

Do I still see that demon? No. He vanished when the school year ended and I moved out of the dorms. Do I believe in the supernatural? Yes, to an extent. Do I think that what I was seeing was actually a demon? I honestly don’t know. I have had actual supernatural experiences verified by multiple witnesses, and a few years before Year 2, several friends and myself had seen an entity similar to what was following me around. But this one in Year 2 only did things when I was alone. So it could have all been in my head, and I will never know. 

Since then, I have been diagnosed with general anxiety and also a form of insomnia that keeps me from sleeping through the night, and I know that my anxiety manifests itself in psychosomatic ways. In other words, my mind will take my anxiety and turn it into a physical symptom that feels real in every way, but is actually not occurring. So far it’s manifested as: sensitivity to sunlight, the symptoms of a stroke or heart attack, half of my face going numb, and headaches in my left eye. Once I realize that the symptom is just my anxiety, I can force myself to ignore and overcome it. But then my anxiety finds a new form to manifest, and the cycle repeats a few months later. It could be that my stress caused me to see this demon for a while.

Should I have consulted a psychiatrist and gotten help? YEP. If you find yourself struggling like that, seek help please. 💕

Year 3: Adrift But Afloat

I moved out of the dorms and into an apartment with my best friend, a Japanese girl I met in the dorms freshman year. I will call her Setsuko. Setsuko is basically the reason I graduated uni. She memorized my class schedules and took copies of exam dates, woke me up, forced me to go classes instead of skipping, forced me to go to the library and study with her, and cooked me dinner most days since she didn’t have to work like I did. I can’t express enough how much she did to improve my life outside of school and work, and how much that improved my mental health. She also acclimated me to lots of subtle things about Japanese culture just by living with her, and this helped me later when I moved to Japan. Thank you, Setsuko. 一生の恩人。

I was still doing those bullshit 15-hour overnight shifts way more than I should have, and also had the maximum courseload.

The Japanese classes got a lot more difficult in Year 3. But I loved them. They were the only classes I never skipped. I took more classes towards the minor like Buddhist Philosophy and Japanese History, which I really enjoyed. While polishing off more gen eds, I thought over what to do with my major. 

My family and friends all told me that I should become an English teacher. I had always been good at words and at explaining things. But I didn’t really like the idea of being a high school teacher. I became an English major, though, because I knew that I didn’t hate English. Took grammar classes and HOLY SHIT did I hit my stride.

I realized that I didn’t like English lit. I liked linguistics. So I focused heavily on all grammar and linguistics courses, taking the bare minimum of literature courses required for the major. My GPA improved substantially. 

Yet I still was consumed with this nagging fear. It was Year 3 and I still had no fucking idea what I wanted to do when I graduated.

Year 4: Clarity At The 11th Hour

Urged on by my “Don’t you dare get one of those stupid arts degrees that won’t get you a paycheck” parents, I decided that the most “practical” degree would not be “English,” but “English Education.” I began taking the English Ed classes with linguistics, grammar, and second language acquisition classes. The goal was to become a qualified English high school teacher who could also do ESL (since I had Spanish and Japanese under my belt more or less). 

At the same time, I entered into Independent Study for Japanese with two other students. We were tasked with reading Izu no Odoriko, a classic short story. Independent study was its own beast. It required a lot more concentration and work on my part, obviously. But because Japanese was my first and foremost passion, I centered my efforts on those courses, and then on the others.

The process of getting certified to be an English teacher was lengthy and expensive in my state. This meant my graduation would be further prolonged, and I was worried about money, because I was already about $50,000 in debt at the time, despite working those fucking overnight shifts all the time that were eating me alive.

Then, during the summer vacation when my 4th year ended, I got a scholarship and went to Japan to study abroad. Education majors had the option to study abroad in several countries, and as luck would have it, one of them was Japan, and it was Setsuko’s HOMETOWN! The study abroad program itself was the first month of summer vacation, and Setsuko said, “Okay, just come stay at my house for the rest of summer vacation!”

Never have I said “yes” quicker in my entire life.

On the train headed from Sapporo to the town where I would be actually staying during my studies, I looked at the lush rice paddies and mountains in the distance and my entire heart just hummed with this “This is where you’re meant to be.” I knew then and there that I would move to Japan upon graduation.

What would I do there? Well, teach English, obviously.

My three months in Japan effectively aligned my entire life. My path had materialized before me. It was a roughly hacked, hard-to-see path through thick underbrush, but I could see it nonetheless. 

Year 5: Let’s Hurry It Up, I’m Ready To Live

Come Year 5, all of my Japanese classmates that had been with me since freshman year were gone and I was alone. My professor taught me Classical Japanese through independent study, and it was the must grueling course I took my entire five years there. But I found it invaluable and am eternally grateful to him for teaching me, because you see Classical Japanese a lot more than you’d think you would in everyday life. Particularly in formal settings. 

I still wanted to get certified to teach English in American high schools, because while I knew I wanted to go to Japan for now, I didn’t know if I wanted to spend my entire life there and I wanted a solid job opportunity when I came back to the states at some point.

However, the more education courses I took, the more I saw that the American education system was just as full of red-tape and The Man’s bullshit as corporate America, something else I rebuke with every fiber of my being. I also realized I’d need to take a 6th year of university, and that just wasn’t financially feasible for me. So I switched to a plain old English major with a heavy focus on linguistics and second language acquisition, and continued classical Japanese. 

I took the remaining 3 gen eds online in the summer, graduated, popped up to Chicago to do a month-long intensive course to get the CELTA (Certificate in Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages issued by Cambridge.) It’s the most widely accepted and revered certification for teaching English as a foreign language.

So in the span of five years, I graduated with a Bachelor’s Degree in English with a focus in linguistics and SLA, and what is technically a major in Japanese Studies. 40 credit hours were required for a major, and I completed 42 credit hours tied to my minor, so while it isn’t listed on my diploma as a major, I did the coursework. I also got a CELTA Pass B, which only 20% of applicants achieve and never expires. The grand total for all of this was roughly $100,000 USD in loans.

Post-Graduation

The week I came back to my hometown from Chicago with my CELTA in hand, I packed my suitcases, threw a going-away party, and then flew to Sapporo, where I began my first job after uni, teaching English to children aged 0-18 at a private English conversation school. I did that for three years before changing careers and becoming a Japanese-English translator/interpreter for a global company. 

So how useful have my choices during university proven to be?

I’m sure I don’t have to explain that studying Japanese helps me tons with translating Japanese to English or living in Japan lol

Studying English grammar, linguistics, sociolinguistics, and second language acquisition has allowed me to recognize minute nuances that can make the difference between a successful and unsuccessful business negotiation when interpretation is necessary.

My background in education also means that I know how to present information clearly, concisely, and in a way that engages the audience. I am known as “The PowerPoint Pro” at work lol. 

I also have a keen eye for performance evaluation, behavior analysis, and improvement action plans. 

I offered English conversation lessons to coworkers for over a year, and now that is being done in other branches across the company! (Well, they were before COVID haha.) 

I DO NOT RECOMMEND WORKING THE HOURS I WORKED WHILE IN SCHOOL. My grades suffered and I wish I had worked less and focused more on classes. However, by working 15-hour shifts and doing full days of classes, I developed a very good tolerance for overtime, which comes in handy in the Japanese workplace. Just last month I had three 15 hour days in the same week. Sweet, sweet overtime pay. 

All of these facets have culminated in me earning a pretty nice promotion to 正社員 seishain back in February, which means I get nice benefits and basically my job is guaranteed until I die or the company goes under.

Should I decide to return to America someday, I will probably not go into the education field. Too much red tape. I will likely continue translation/interpretation for companies, because it isn’t too difficult and pays well. Though ideally I’d love to just make a living sharing cool information about Japanese and stuff, and maybe writing those stories that are bouncing around in my head when I should be working haha.

Do I think the debt is worth it?

Well, I don’t think I had any other option than to take out those loans. I didn’t have the means to learn the things I wanted to learn unless I went to university. 

Unless Japanese work visa requirements have changed, you are required to have a bachelor’s degree in order to obtain my sub-type of work-visa, so I needed a degree of some kind no matter what. 

Frankly, if I hadn’t gone to that university and met my best friend Setsuko, I don’t think I’d be where I am right now, living the life I am now. So just having met her is worth any price to me. 

Paying off all the loans is daunting, especially when yen is weak to the dollar. There were months I had to ask my parents for help, especially early on. But now I’ve got multiple loans paid off, my salary has increased, and the “omg i have money and no supervision so I can buy whatever I want” idiocy has mostly gone away. But I did get a super sweet pair of blindingly silver Converses a couple days ago that I definitely didn’t need

Do I have any regrets regarding my time at university?

I still regret dropping Old English for a stupid English Ed class. Seriously, how cool would that have been? But I still have the textbook, workbook, and I contacted the professor last week and she was kind enough to send me a syllabus. God bless her. So now I’m working on that bit by bit, which is fun.

I wish I hadn’t been such a cocky, naive idiot my first year. Thinking I could just “show up for tests” was the stupidest thing. It messed up my GPA, and my parents forbade me from retaking classes so I couldn’t go back and fix my mistakes. I think I graduated with a 3.4 overall GPA out of 4, but my English major GPA was 3.9 and my Japanese GPA was 4.0. So it’s pretty frustrating to have those gen eds and my dumbfuckery mar my transcript like that.

I really didn’t party at all. Most all of my friends were straight-laced Japanese exchange students, and I was also working ridiculous hours so I just didn’t really have the time. A part of me feels like I missed out on that part of the college experience.

Recently I’ve been putting more effort into improving my creative writing by reading a lot of books on the subject. Not a small part of me wishes that I had gone with a Creative Writing major instead of English major, because I still would have studied all the grammar and linguistics. Then again, I do believe that creative writing can be self-taught.

I wish I hadn’t worked as much as I did. There were a lot of times I couldn’t complete assignments or I missed lectures because I was just so drained. It wasn’t even good money.

Well...I did not intend for this post to become as long as it has. I’ve been cooped up in my apartment with nothing but two goldfish for company for over a month now and I think I’m a bit stir-crazy. Thank you to anyone and everyone who bothered to read all of this and become my therapist for a bit haha. Love you all. Stay safe and well. 💖

[hjh-ceilo-monster]

Hybrid verse : Flatmate (MYG)

Y/N POV.

“Who are you?” My hand is handling the bat right now.Preparing it and swing toward the stranger who suddenly appear in my house.There’s still no answer from him so I make my decision to swing to- wait let rewind to the start first...

*Rewind : A moment ago*

I was going to sleep on my bed.It was roughly 1 a.m. and I need to go to my class early tomorrow.I sighed loudly knowing that tomorrow gonna be another tough day for me again.

First of all I’m F/N L/N,a senior from faculty of law.I lived alone in this flat since day 1 of the university.Okay,back to the story.

I closed my lamp however not a minute after that there was a sound from living room.I was so sure that I had closed the certain outside before entered my room.I walked out and checked again.

Like a que in movie,I heard the sound again.This time it was like something huge fell down.I ran toward the wardrobe and took my old bat out.I was awaring of the situation right now.‘Get yourself together and beat that theif.’ I thought.

I stepped out of my safe zone a.k.a my bedroom.Walking closer and closer until I reached where the sound from.That was when I gripped my bat tightly and reminded myself to be cautious.Then I see a shadow of someone.

I swing my bat with all my force.“Ouch.” I heard the stranger groan.After that the figure come closer and closer until stop in front of me.Because of the moonlight that beam through certain,I then see his face.

“Stunnning.” First word that pop inside my head.His face glow under the moonlight however his eyes look weird.They are bright yellow and glowing so much.‘He isn’t a human,is he?’

“Sorry miss but will you treat my wound from awhile ago please?” He speak with deep raspy voice.My heart skip a beat.I only nod,not knowing what to do nor to speak.He’s stranger,yet I invite him into my bedroom without even have a second thought.

He step in my room and then take his seat on my bed.I open the lamp again and search for aid box.“Where do you hu- ah!” I stop in the middle of my sentence when I see red liquid dripping out from his head.

“Gosh I’m so sorry!” I quickly treat the wound.It actually his fault for getting in my flatroom without permission,however I feel bad.What if he sue me?Wait he enter without permission,how can he sue me.

“Ugh...” I snap back to reality.I get distract by my own thought and press with not so gentle force toward his wound.I start focusing and treating him till it all done.I put my aid box back.

Turning around and expecting him to leave but I’m wrong.He sleeps on my bed already.“Mr.stranger leave before I call the police on you.”He didn’t move at all.I push him out of my bed but that isn’t work either.

“Ok just one night.”Why do I need to be kind to this man.I didn’t understand my thought but what can I do?He sleep there already so I sigh and walk out.Seems like to night a couch is my bed.

Next morning

I wake up,feel a soft matre- how do I end up on my bed? I spring up and look around.Searching for that man but no sign of him.‘Not even say thank you,rude.’ I then take a shower and go to class.

“Hey baby sis.”No need to turn around to know who’s that.“What’s up Bambo.” I reply and get slap on my back afterward.“Bambam not Bambo.” “Y/N not baby sis either.”

“You seems piss today,didn’t get enough sleep?” He ask and I nod.“Don’t tell me that you’re being a nerd and study again.” I glare at him like I want to kill him.He only chuckle.

I start talkign about that dude last night.Still piss that he didn’t even say thank you,at least that’s the manner especially for stranger like him.Lucky that I let him in.In fact I should call the police instead.

“Lol my baby sis is being tough.”I smack him in the head.“It’s not funny,Bambo.” He graon with the nickname.“Don’t mix my name with the word Pabo,I’m not stupid.” “Yes you are.” And we bicker each other till reach the class.

Time Skip

“So you want to be training here but not even graduate?”The boss stared at me and back to the resume.“Sorry kid but you didn’t have any experience except the high grade on the paper.” I sigh and nod.Excepting his decision,before that I bow and leave the room.

I walk while thinking a lot of things.I come here to get a job with high amount of salary.“Huh I gonna be kickout of my flat for sure.”I reach my flat and see the the landlord.

‘No not this fast.’I barg into the room.“Please one more week,I’ll pay you.” And that’s where everything fall into silence.“Who’s she?”Wait that voice,so familiar.I look up and stun.“She’s your flatmate that I told you,Yoongi.”

Perhaps is this the start for you to finally know the hybrid owl identity?

Author POV.

You both get to know each other however mostly you will be the one who speak. He didn’t like to talk with anyone except his uncle/landlord.Well sometimes he just sleep since he’s a nocturnal.You will see him walk around the room when it’s around 7 p.m. and start his work at 10 p.m.If you stay up late,you might talk to him.However 1/10 is the chance you get from him.

“Aye sleep head we have a test today.” You try to wake him up but nothing in reutrn.No death glare,no shouting like the other days.You walk to his bed and see no one after peeling the blanket.

“Why are you talking to my bed?”Yoongi ask you out of wonder.In his hand, there’s his favourite cup of black coffee.“We have a test.”You tell him.“No,not until next week for me.I think you mess up your schedule.”

You look at your vibrate phone,the message tell you to hurry because you have a pre-court today.You didn’t care about him and a mess up schedule of yours anymore.At this point you need to reach the uni before your professor scolds and cuts your point off.

“Dashi run run run...” You hear his sound but you don’t care anyway.Try your best to rush everything  and go to the pre-court.

“Finally,it’s finished.” You come out of the room with relief.Even though you came in late,at least you prepare well for this assignment.The professor also give lots of complement.

“Hello,I’m ba-” You enter the room but it’s really quiet.You wonder what happened before you came back.You then tiptoe toward Yoongi’s room after seeing the light coming out.

“Hey bud I’m b- Heck is going on here!” You scream when his room is in a huge mess.He looks at you with eyes glowing yellow.Walking closer and closer until he stand in front of you and all of sudden collapse.

“Wait! wake up,no....no man.” You carry him up and settle him on the bed.’What was going on here before I came?’ Is a question running in your head.You take care him that night and even go to the landlord(his uncle) to ask about what happen.Unfortunately his uncle didn’t even know what happen.

Yoongi POV.

I wake up because of my alarm.Seeing my surrounding make me really confuse for a minute.I try hard to remember what happen until I finally remember what happen.

‘No you won’t do anything to him and her?’

‘Why?They take you from me.’

‘Stop this shit!’

“How’s it going yoongs?” My uncle suddenly enter my room.The tray with something on it is settled on the bed frame.Although anything didn’t come out of my mouth,my uncle still can see my tiring facial expression.

“She came here yesterday.” I sigh and start speaking.I could sense my uncle panic.He know what exactly topic we’re going to talk about.Taking a deep breathe before tell him what happened.

Time pass by and my uncle already left.I just sit there and stare at the wall.My door open again so I turn around.Seeing Y/N enter the door,I relief a bit.My old self strat to come back again and I hate it.

“Hey it’s dinner.Do you want to eat with me or in here.The landlord tell me you aren’t that well...yet.” I nod and walk out with her.Everything is in silence and none of us utter the sound.One thing I know is why I didn’t feel this is akward when it’s her.

All of us just sit there and eat in silence.Only the sound from forks and spoon hit the plate from time to time can be heard in the air.“What happened yesterday?” She ask which make me drop my spoon.

“Oh sorry if it makes you...”I interrupt her.“Nothing just someone I hate came here.”

Author POV.

Actually Y/N know everything since she heard his conversation yesterday.Not like she intend to but last night ensure her what happened.

‘Stop this mom,don’t do it again.’

He slured something out when he fell asleep.He was on the verge to cried in his own nightmare so Y/N needed to stay by his side.

With the help of land lord,Y/N start to talk to Yoongi even more.Asking ‘how is his day?’ nearly everyday as she can.She got to know what was his weird act week ago.Everything seems to turn back into its normal point until one day someone that shouldn’t be here step in again.

Y/N is working on her aaignment while Yoongi is doing his laudry.They both get intterupted by the door bell sound.“I’ll get the door.” Y/N tell him and walk toward the wooden door.

When she open,she get a surprise from a lady.She didn’t look that old but not young either.She didn’t start greeting her,that lady push her out of her way and enter.Inviting herself into their room.

“Yoongi,come out here.” The woman shout which make you realize something. You try to get her out of the room but no use.Yoongi enter the frame at last and become panic.

“Good to see you again son.” She smirk while looking at her ‘son’ in front of her.You stand there froze in place.Yoongi try to be brave however the argument between them is so heat.The mother start to reach toward to his son and try to abuse him like in the old days.

You all of sudden remember something.You get your phone out and push a botton.Then you leave it on the shelf so she can’t see.You run to the lady and try hard to get her out.

“If you don’t stop,you aren’t going to live your life well.” You tell her but she didn’t listen.“If you dare little girl,you don’t really know who I am.So you better shut your mouth and let me teach my son.”

You and her then faceto faceand start fighting,everything is in chaos until the police come in and get her.You can see that the landlord with the neighbor nest door.

“Thank you.” Yoongi talk to you before going toward his uncle.The uncle then take care of him.“How can we gonna end this?” The landlord ask with worry show on his face.“I think I can help you sir.”

A year after

“Mrs.Min,you get the charge of being abusive toward your own son,robery and also killing your own husban.Your final sentence wil be living in the prison for the rest of your life.”

Ending the sentence from the judge,everyone bow to him.She is the only one who screaming like a beast but police take care of her really well.It isn’t easy to sue her after what happened that day;however,you manage to do it.This help Yoongi a lot and you also getg the credit as well.

Now I should stay that everything fall back into it own places.Well at least most of it like mom live in the jail,the uncle get to be the gaurdian legally,Yoongi life become way better andyou get your dream job.Anything else can be better than this.Of course,something is coming next.

“Don’t forget next week we are having a party.” Your collegue tell you.You are new to them so that’s why next week they are having a party with you.It will be a party to welcome you to your work place.You thought that it is going to be difficult to adjust;however,meeting these people make it easy for you.

“Well look who is here.” Salin,the new intern from thailand,hit you lightly on the shoulder while glance somewhere.“Ohhh our prince charming is here.” siad Trevor,my desk mate.

“Congrat for you  first day babe.” He handle me a bouquet with bunch of blue bells in it(Author note : my fav flower).You take it from him and give a hug in return. “Thank Yoon.”

“Ahem,they are still bachelors out here ya’know.” Suzy tease us before eveyone laugh.You bid all of them good bye before departure from that place.“Ready for our date?” Yoongi ask you and put his helmet on.

“Always my one and owly flat m.a.t.e.” 

Perhaps the new beginning of an owl with his human start from there.

[digitalbounce-digitalsound]

My in-depth analysis of why I left the Kpop fandom.

Please be aware, this may touch on sensitive topics.

As most of my  followers may know, I have been in the Kpop fandom for many years (Since 2006 to be exact) which means I have seen a lot, A LOT, of shit. I have had nearly my entire life controlled by Kpop and by about 2010 I completely moved away from more normal music.

Since I started secondary school I was bullied for my taste in music, I never thought anything of it because as I still believe, music is music and nothing is wrong with safe creative influence and inspiration. But the thing was, this music, this fandom had me so deluded and so removed from myself that I didn't see it was destroying me, inside and out.

After I was in the fandom for around 4 years, I was getting more and more obsessed with kpop, keeping track of the idols, watching their MV's obsessively, hoarding albums and putting up high defences for when someone made fun of them. Up until 2019 when I dropped the fandom completely, I managed to spend over £4000 on Kpop merch, be it albums, clothing, food, concerts. It was bad and a huge waste of money.

The Kpop fandom is a toxic place to be with people constantly pushing you to like certain groups, with battles around which fandom is better, which group is better between fans. Fans will discriminate against you for the way you look, the way you dress. If you don’t meet their standards they will find a way to push you away. They are all entitled and many think that stalking and giving idols zero personal space is perfectly acceptable.

Kpop music has no real meaning to it and is completely lacking when it comes down to personal messages (Bar the ones that have been self-written by the idols themselves) Kpop is just as bland and emotionless as the people that listen to it as the fans attach meanings to the songs where there are none. They don’t see that all of the music is extremely generic about money, women, men, being in a relationship and looking perfect. It is extremely sexist, concreted in gender binaries that make quite literally no sense and don’t have any soul behind them.

I guarantee that many if not all the idols that don’t write their own material, hate their songs with a passion but have to put up a plastic perfect mask to hide it. There have been so many horrible things that happen inside the genre that fans just ignore. Pretend don’t happen and it is horrible.

Because of Kpop I ended up becoming disgusted with myself, Kpop made me see flaws that weren't there, it made me want to look "Just like my idols". The impossibly thin, obviously unhealthy idols, and I did, gaining body dysmorphia and an eating disorder to boot. It led to me becoming extremely unhealthy, I would barely eat and listen too much at the insults thrown my way which did nothing but make me more self-conscious.

The constant struggle between wanting to look pretty and not wanting to kill myself was extremely difficult to deal with. Kpop made me shy, it made me reserved and not want to talk. It made me aim for dreams in the wrong way. I wanted to become a translator since I was very small so that I could help governments converse with each other and maybe help countries understand each other. That dream was changed with a want to become a translator to "Translate for my oppas" and become a concert translator or a TV show translator. I want to do seamstress work on the side, originally I wanted to do it to make costumes for Broadway productions, maybe cosplay for characters as well. That dream too, was ruined by Kpop. Making me want to do seamstress work to make stage outfits for my "Oppas and Eonnies." 

All of my dreams have been ruined by Kpop, my body too. To this day I still get confused about why I am doing certain things or why I am eating this or that because it will make me fat.

Because of the constant barrage of hate coming from my own brain, my own friends (Who consequently ended up liking Kpop), from my own family and people who I thought was close to me. I ended up thinking that the only way to escape from all of the hate was to kill myself. I became suicidal, I hated myself, I have scarred my leg so badly that I am scared to wear shorts. I constantly wore long sleeves to cover the marks on my arms, I turned in on myself and became scared to talk to people incase they bullied me or shouted at me. I grew more dependant on Kpop and I'm not proud to admit it but I ended up fetishizing Asian people, it was not a good time in my life, I felt like I could change my life, marry someone who could give me child on the inside of Kpop, it was disgusting but at the time, I didn't see it.

I had no one to openly talk to about what I was going through, nowhere to go but down at the time. I ended up doing performing arts at college, hoping that I could be recruited by an agency and meet my idols, be my idols, I thought I could get somewhere with performance. It helped, but not in the way I would have expected. I became more confident and even though I was still being bullied for my likes, bullied for things that happened in school, I continued. I kept at performance. started liking more Japanese Pop/Rock, I listened to my struggling brain instead of my aching obsessed heart and it led me to become friends with C.

She is into Kpop like me, she understood what I wanted, she understood the Asian fever, we became close friends, close friends very quickly. She lived near to me at the time and would invite me over for Kpop sessions, to have fun making Korean food, singing along to Kpop songs, to learn Korean together. At the time, I thought it was brilliant to have someone like me around but low and behold, I didn't see what she was doing to me in the meantime. I didn't know that she was controlling me.

She kept me interested with stories of becoming a teacher, this would have been the perfect way into Korea. It made so much sense, if I became a teacher I could get into Korea and live in the same place as them. Now and then I would get a small spark of realisation that C was not listening, that she didn't care about anyone but herself but I still ignored it. After I finished my Dance BTEC I decided to work for a while, gain money before looking more into becoming a teacher.

Something that you should know about me is that I am a very dependant person. Due to years of being bullied and shouted at, being constantly told I'm wrong and stupid, I rely on other people to know when I have done good, to know when I can celebrate without it coming off as me getting excited over something insignificant. I rely a lot on other people for my happiness. Emotion isn't my strong-suit so I have to surround myself with happy people who can help me see that I am a good person, who can help me with how to display emotion in a normal way.

C did not seem to realise this throughout our whole friendship and would never try to help when my emotional state started dropping, she wouldn't help me understand what the correct amount of emotion is, what grade is good and what isn't. We started a higher education course together, C basically clinging to me but my dependant ass didn't notice and clung back since she was the only other person who liked Kpop that I knew. During the course I had time to think about what I actually wanted to do. Being part of the English literature course made me remember my dream of translation, in the psychology course I learned more about myself, about how my anxiety works, how my manic depression effects my state of mind. I learned about so many different and interesting things that my brain started to click, I started to realise that I didn't like Kpop, I was obsessed with it.

I was obsessed and infatuated, Kpop was my unhealthy coping method which I didn't see. Kpop was the thing that was hurting me the most. At this time, I was still unable to let go. I still couldn't stop myself. When we applied to Universities somewhere in the back of my head my brain was telling me to apply for another course, and I did. whilst C applied for teaching courses and Korean I applied for nearly entirely teaching and Korean courses but snuck in an application for Japanese and International Business.

I felt like I had to sneak at that point because of her becoming overbearing and controlling, making me feel like the only place I could be was right behind her, following her the whole time.

In some fucked twist of fate me and her got into the same university, her on a Korean and tesol course and me on Japanese and Int Business. The small light in the back of my head was still telling me that it was still twisted, that I should not be how I am. That obsessing over Kpop isn't right but I still didn't listen, thinking that Kpop was the right place to be.

I should have seen what she was doing to me when she came to my Bass Practice at one point and heard me play only to weeks later suggest I don’t bring my Bass to Uni as it would “Distract me” yet she brought her PlayStation. She also tried to deter me away from normal music both at the time and during my time around her at University.

Now, I would never try to fully get rid of that time in my life, I would much rather just ignore it as I made many great friends through Kpop (C not being one of them) and I had a lot of fun at the concerts I went to.

Funnily enough, it was religion that actually jogged me out of this freakstorm called Kpop. I always understood the idea of a higher power, of something more than chemicals but less than a "god" It ended up with me finding Satanism (Laveyan) I realised that Religion is only as powerful as you make it. Obsessions, whilst good, are bad in large quantities, you must indulge yourself but too much indulgence leads to greed which is exactly what happened to me. I got too greedy and neglected the rest of my life.

It started small, I would listen to more heavy metal (thinks like Rammstein and Slipknot) and would practice bass more, listen to Kpop less and work on my course and my grades. Of course this slightly strained my friendship with C, I still listened to Kpop, went to the events at the uni, had a fun time at most of them. It wasn't until mid-year that I started seeing the error of my ways.

We went to another Kpop club night that was part of the uni. Because I was getting more used to normal music I could see people staring more, glancing at us with disgust because we knew older songs, because I wouldn't dance for certain groups. It was a small wakeup call, the feeling of being judged and bullied yet again by people nearing on 3 years younger than me was just a pain.

C had pointed a guy out to us during first year, his name is David, he is Korean and was a little bit of an ass (which was understandable due to the amount of Koreaboos he has had to deal with) I did think he was cute, he was a nice guy, liked music I liked but I was not attracted to him (Like I would have been when I was under that disgusting influence) so I just wanted to be his friend.

It started kicking off one night when C got upset over a what David thought was a joke, they both argued and shouted, I ended up as a go between, figuring out what happened, defending C and stopping David from hurting anyone. C took this as me taking David's side, proceeded to not listen to me, make me upset and with my horrible control over emotions, I started having a panic attack whilst shouting at her. She hugged me during my panic attack (A big no no because she was restraining me and giving me physical contact which I hate. Which she should have known being friends with me for 6 years) that made me pass-out, hit my head and get sent to the hospital with a concussion.

I had to pretend it wasn't her fault even though it killed me to do so. During my night in the hospital she managed to make it about her which really upset me. I ended up hanging around with my classmate/friend M after that. M was nice, she listened to me, her and E helped me realise that Kpop isn't all it's set up to be.

After that it went down hill with argues popping up a lot and for me, no escape since we lived together. I started getting disgusted by the Kpop nights with how obsessive and OTT the Kpop fans were, how horrible they were too. It all snapped one day when I just got my results back for an essay which I got a 1st in, I was over the moon but yet again, didn't know if it was good or not. When I showed people for confirmation that I could be happy I was met with jealous but very happy responses apart from C. The one person who was basically my jailer, who told me when it was okay to be happy or not, she responded with "Oh that's alright then I guess." and brushed it off like it was nothing.

It was then that it hit me she has been manipulating me for years, not giving me any real emotions to show. We were friends for 6 years and at that moment, all of the times she brushed me off or never let me talk, talked over me to speak about herself, it all came back. I was so disgusted and upset that I just stopped talking to her, I was too angry to talk to her and was worried that I may hurt her if I do talk.

She took offence to my silence and called me names, tried to force me to talk to her (Which is also bad because I do not react well to forced confrontation and most of the time lash out both physically and verbally) so I kept ignoring her to the point I felt too threatened to leave my room. It was horrible. I wasn't until she sent me a message telling me to act like an adult that I flipped.

No one, and I mean no one, calls me childish and gets away with it. That is the number 1 way to piss me off and get me to immediately cut ties.

I put in an application to move with the Uni due to being under threat and feeling unsafe. They moved me the next day. Whilst She was still in the flat, she didn't even notice me moving out. I was so disgusted with that.

After that, I met my new flatmates, none of them liked Kpop, they introduced me to nice music, better music which actually made me feel good, not infatuated. Happy. I could talk to them more about normal things. because of the lack of the obsession, my grades went up, I started making friends easier, my confidence went up.

After getting back into normal music, i started to realise how low-quality Kpop actually is. How disgustingly gendered it is and how sexist it is. Kpop ruined me but normal music made me realise who I am and how to become that person I always wished I was.

The only music I strictly don't listen to now is Rap, Kpop and Top-Chart Pop music.

Currently, I am a university student working towards my dream of becoming a government translator. I have prospects to work in Japan after I graduate and I am absolutely ecstatic about that. I cut out so many bad friends and managed to make myself feel more human again just by getting rid of a single music taste from my life.

 -Killian.

(If you’re going to spam me with hate and try to whine about how “Not all Kpop fans are like that” or “Kpop isn’t bad, you’re just stupid” and shit like that then you are just proving my point. If you come at me with a valid argument and actual valid points, I will explain my opinions and my side of the argument.)

BASICALLY, TREAT ME HOW YOU WANT TO BE TREATED.

Don’t be an asshole because I will just be an asshole back.

[carlatsukinamistolemyhamsandwich]

My Thoughts on Shin’s CL Route

So I wrote most of this post like 2 months ago but Uni work got in the way of me finishing it OTL

Also a big thank you to @bloody-croissant for discussing the route with me and helping me get my thoughts on it in order.

Small spoiler-free section: Did I enjoy this route? Yes, a lot. Is it my favorite out of all of Shin’s routes? No. Essentially if you like Shin, I think you’ll have a good time playing his CL route and I’d recommend going into it knowing as little as possible for the full effect.

Spoilers under the cut!

I think the best way to examine this route is to look at what I enjoyed and which parts of it I wasn’t a fan of so let’s get right into it.

Things I liked:

-The CGs: What more can I say other than that they’re beautiful? This game gave me the Shin kiss CG of my dreams and I will be forever grateful for it. (Also the collar one is really hot).

-The pacing/structure of the route: I feel like the route was just the right length for the story, I was never bored but it wasn’t rushed either. Personally I also thought the ratio of romantic Shin x Yui scenes to actual plot was just right.

-The Shin and Kino dynamic: Interactions between these two were the last thing I was expecting from this route but I found myself really enjoying them. After establishing that they’re the only ones aside from Yui with memories of the real world, Shin and Kino form an uneasy partnership to try and work out how to restore Carla’s memories. Aside from the general comedy of Kino causing chaos and Shin getting mad at him, I liked that they actually seemed to bond later in the route. The way Kino admits that Shin not leaving him behind when they had to run away from the other families made him happy and how he helps him in the final fight against Carla were great to see.

Kino (talking about how Shin didn’t leave him behind when Shin, Yui and Kino were escaping from the Violet mansion): I was really happy. Those are my true feelings.

-How Shin discovers his first blood abilities: Shin and Yui get kidnapped by the violet family early on in the story, and after convincing Azusa to let them out of the dungeon, they get caught by Carla as they try to escape from the violet mansion. After Carla corners them in one of the bedrooms, Shin, still without any of his real memories, turns into a wolf, much to the surprise of himself, and Carla, resulting in one of my absolute favorite scenes from this game. This allows him and Yui to escape and there’s then a very angsty scene where Shin questions whether he’s a monster because vampires can’t turn into wolves, which is just the sort of content I wanted from this game. 

-The route showed Shin’s character development: I was kind of surprised by how well Shin seemed to take the fact that Carla had no memories of him (or any of the founders) after he got his own memories back and after mulling it over for a bit, I think it shows that he’s matured (at least a little bit) since his Vibora murdering days. I said the same sort of thing when talking about Carla’s LE vampire ending where Shin willing works with the vampires to get rid of Kino so it was nice to see it translate over to this game too.

-The Labyrinth ending:  Okay this might be a weird one to include here BUT I like that the labyrinth ending is a “bad ending” because it adds weight to the choices you make throughout the route. Also I’m just an angst demon that loves bad endings.

Yui: Everyone… Was killed? That’s–!

Things I did not like:

-The lack of time spent with the orange family: Although I very much enjoyed the Shin and Kino dynamic, I would have liked to see a bit more of Shin interacting with other characters he doesn’t normally spend much time with (which is everyone except Carla really). Unfortunately because of the way the route played out, the number of scenes we got with Shin and the rest of the orange crew were limited (especially after he got his memories back). However we did get this one really nice line:

Shin (to Ruki): You were also a good older brother but, you weren’t my real brother...

-The fact that there are only 2 endings per route: I know that most LP routes only had 2 endings (and even the other DL games only have 3) but as the endings are the only thing you can really influence in VNs, I feel like the more endings the better. I understand that when you have 13 routes, that translates to a LOT of work but if I’m comparing this game to other otome titles then I think it’s worth mentioning.

-Shin’s final fight with Carla This one might just be me being petty but I’m including it anyway. At the very end of the route, Shin and Carla get into a fight, with Shin wanting to return Carla’s memories and Carla wanting to obtain Yui so that he can become the supreme ruler. Shin says earlier in the route that as Carla doesn’t remember he’s a founder, he shouldn’t be able to use any of his founder abilities, while in their final fight, Shin can. Now Carla and Shin go on and on about how the founders have superior abilities to vampires, SO HOW IS CARLA STILL ABLE TO NEARLY KILL SHIN (and he would have done so if Kino hadn’t intervened)?  Shin has lost to vampires in the past but generally it’s because he a) underestimated them, b) they’d inherited Karl’s power or c) he was caught by surprise. None of these are true in this case, and while I’m not necessarily arguing that Shin should have won, it shouldn’t have been as one-sided as it was.

-Kino just leaving at the end of Shin’s route After the aforementioned Carla versus Shin fight, in the Euphoria ending, Carla gets his memories back and Kino then just leaves??? And aside from Yui breifly wondering where he is, and one scene where Kino reflects that Shin and Yui will probably be okay from now on, he’s then not mentioned again. I understand why Rejet did this but it felt a bit unsatisfying, especially as you know that all of their interactions in this game will never be brought up again and I really like the idea of Shin having a friend.

-The volume of the Waltz music in the Euphoria ending:  This is such a minor point but I also feel like it’s a really good example of where sound design is important. For anyone who doesn’t know, at the very end of Shin’s Euphoria ending, Shin and Yui dance in Banmaden’s hall to Waltz music. It’s a very sweet scene and would have lovely were it not for the very loud music. I had the volume of the characters’ voices set as being very high compared to the background music, but even then it was overpowering. While I liked the scene, the romance feels slightly lost when it sounds like Shin is basically shouting at you over this Waltz music. So yeah, minor point but it affected my enjoyment of the ending enough that I felt it merited a mention.

-LE being completely ignored: Again, I understand why Rejet did this (as the plot of this game would not have worked if Shin knew who Kino was and obviously they couldn’t set it after Carla’s death) but as someone who really liked a lot of the scenes from Shin’s LE route, it did make me a little sad that the entire thing seems to have been thrown out the window.

In conclusion:

Even though there were some things I wasn’t super fond of, I did really enjoy this route, I think it’s a lot of fun and it’s made me eager to play more of CL (which is always a good sign). I definitely don’t like it as much as I did Shin’s LE route, or his DF route if I’m being entirely honest, because I feel like the things he went through in those routes really stretched his character and allowed us to explore different sides of him.

As CL presents a more mature version of Shin, you don’t get some of the angst you would have done had say Shin’s DF incarnation been dropped into the setup of CL. And while, as I mentioned, I like that the route shows Shin has developed as a character, I did find myself missing some of those really emotionally charged scenes.

That being said, I enjoyed this route significantly more than his LP route and I would definitely recommend it to fellow DL fans.

[queen-rogah]

Take it easy (Roger Taylor x Reader)

Summary: You have been having a huge crush on your friend Roger back when you’re still in college. Now he’s a rising rockstar and selling out universities in UK. You’re still finding the time to tell your feelings to him because that silence inside your heart kills you slowly. But he suddenly put up an argument with you that pretty sure broke the friendship a little bit. How will you both recover from that?…

Warnings: so so much angst agaaaain and fluffy goodies, also adding a lil bit of steamy scene and sexual tension whoops

Word Count: 6.6k+ words

Note: I’ll just drop this little idea I have in mind after finishing the Trapped in Montreux fic aaaaand I really want you guys to imagine that “Andante, Andante” by Abba was released in the 70s in this fic (since it’s originally in the 80s) but yeah, I’ll be using the song here :) enjoy reading!

MASTERLIST

AUGUST 1971

The university was jam packed tonight. Seeing and feeling the vibe of the people grooving along and banging their heads to with the catchy beat. People and students are also trying to catch up with the lyrics, even though they don’t know it, and every stomp that the lead singer makes literally made the whole room shook. Their eyes are all around them, watching the frontman gracefully strut onstage, watching the guitarist and the bassist strum their instruments with their skillful fingers and the drummer–oh the drummer–was the ladies’ center of attraction–I mean attention–because of those luscious waves of blond hair, the doe eyes that are blue in color and the way he dress and always looks good in every clothing he has. He’s wearing that leather vest without any shirt underneath that’s why you can see his naked chest as he bang on those drums. Almost every night, every uni and every pub, you always hear some random ladies saying, “I want to show myself to the drummer.” “The drummer is mine, I hope he gets me tonight.” “Ladies, I may be a goddamn virgin but I’m pretty sure I’ll be grateful if he will pop my cherry.” Those comments could literally put bile resting on your tongue. Now you’re hearing new ones saying those words again as they prey on the members.

And you want to scream that you’re uncomfortable hearing those since you’re the drummer’s friend since college. You’re Roger Taylor’s friend, the eye candy of the band.

But you’re not the friend who is standing in front while dancing and enjoying the music they’ve made and also the girl you will shout in excitement the most. Instead, you’re the friend who is just standing by the corner or at the back, watching them with awe or with a smile on your face. Seeing what they would soon achieve with a very appealing aura and popular songs. They would soon break the charts, go straight to number one and beat all of the artists that are in line with them. You’re wishing they would go further.

“For the last time, good evening beautiful people! Thank you for coming along! This is now our final song!…” Freddie said through his microphone, with that half-stand thing. His signature microphone, how powerful he is.

That is your cue to leave the place as you finish the beer you’ve been holding through the whole set. You have made your way back in the parking lot, where the band’s van is. You lean back on it, pulling out a cigarette as you light it, to fight the cold breeze of the evening. You’re pleased that you’re going along the whole tour in every uni and pubs in the city, through Roger’s invite. The boys have known you since he introduced you from their previous gigs, that’s why you’re already close to them. You witnessed every venue be sold out and also helping them out in making posters for their gigs.

“Hey, is this the band’s van?.”

You turn your head towards your right to see a girl, maybe a college student since she looked younger than you. You cocked your head slightly to one side, looking from her head to toe.

“Yeah. What brings you here?.” You asked, keeping your chin up, feeling dominant to her.

“Roger said to me that I’ll wait for him here, turns out he already have someone waiting on him…” Her voice cracked a bit when she said and you widened your eyes, chin lowering down.

“Oh no no, I’m not…I’m not waiting on him. I’m actually his friend…” You reassured her as you shake your head to what she’s been thinking of you.

“Oh damn I’m sorry,” She chuckles, brushing the stray hair from her face. “I didn’t mean to–”

“No, it’s fine. This happens to me everytime. I’m just the band’s friend slash assistant in organizing their gig schedules.” You shrug, finishing off your cigarette, letting it fall on the ground from your fingers as you step on it with your boots.

Then the girl stays with you here, also leaning back on the vehicle. “I’m jealous of you, always being with the band. Being with Roger…” The way she said your friend’s name is kind of different, like the lovey dovey type of thing.

Well I’m jealous of you that Roger called you up, since he found you attractive. While I’m just here, just his friend. You rolled your eyes in the sudden thought and keeps on listening to her blabbers about Roger and the rest of the band.

You sighed in belief to hear the boy’s voices coming towards the van. They are now in their comfortable clothes, seeing them happy about the successful gig.

“Katie, looks like you’ve finally met Y/N here.” Roger said as he wrap his arms around her frame. Your eyes never looking away at the two, never realizing you’ve been shooting daggers on them already.

“Oh right, bloody hell I didn’t told my name, so you heard Roger, I’m Katie.” She smiles at you, reaching out for a handshake.

You put the fakest smile you’ve got and shake her hands, “Y/N, nice to finally know your name.” You said and quickly pull back your hand, putting it inside the pockets of your jacket. The coldness of the weather tonight is actually getting worse.

“It’s getting cold right now, we must go.” Brian says while rubbing his hands to create heat in that friction.

“I saw a pub down the street, maybe we should go check it out.” Freddie replied. All of you agreed, but Katie felt out of place, making you smirk a little bit on her facial expression. Roger, of course, is the one who will drive the van, and you took your place just on the passenger seat beside him.

But, “Uh, I think I should sit there to be closer to Rog.” Katie interjects and you furrow your brows at her.

“Uh–Rog?.” You turn back to the drummer who’s biting down his lip, probably thinking.

“Just this time Y/N..” Roger replied and you knew he won’t let you sit beside him. So you let out a quiet huff, stepping out of the passenger seat to let her sit there and would watch them flirt while you’re sitting at the backseat with the others.

The van started to move and the conversations starts. Freddie was having a deep conversation with Brian and Deaky, talking about how he beat them two in scrabble yesterday and would certainly beat them again. You just sat there looking through the window and enjoying the view of the city while the van is moving.

The van stopped in front of the pub that Freddie was talking about and parked the vehicle. You all hopped out and quickly got inside, escaping the cold. When you got inside, you’re thankful that this pub has a warm ambiance and welcoming faces of the people inside. Freddie found a booth but it’s too small to fit all the six people of your group.

But Roger had a great idea and that is to let Katie sit on his lap. That idea of his did made you roll your eyes, him and the others never catching you did it. You sat between Brian and Deaky as you ordered your drinks. You can’t tear your eyes away everytime Katie would giggle on something Roger would say in her ear and how he shifts his hips while she’s on his fucking lap. Your look was so bitter that it would apparently poison them to death.

But of course you’re still hiding the fact that you’re deeply attracted to the man who’s been your friend for years and just watching him be with other women. You won’t do anything because you’re not his goddamn type. Katie is the perfect definition of Roger Taylor’s type. A fit girl, blonde just like him and has the beautiful face ever.

So you won’t literally do anything because you’re not her.

“Y/N? Hey Y/N…”

Freddie’s finger snaps brought you back to earth as you finished zoning out and overthinking anything else. You didn’t realized you’re still holding on their menu as they wait for you to reply but you’re out of your mind.

“Earth to Y/N!?.” Freddie raises his voice that made you startle. You let out an awkward chuckle as you told him you’re getting just a regular whisky in a bottle. “What in the bloody hell you’ve been thinking? Did you just zoned out darling? I’m worried about you…”

“Uh, y-yeah I did zoned out and out of my mind a bit but it’s no biggie. Don’t think about me.” You shrug it off, waving your hands off.

“You don’t look fine to me Y/N.” Deaky added as you sighed.

Then Roger came in the scene after he’s just being so close–or too close–to the girl he just called up after a single gig. You know Roger doesn’t like the type of going-steady for a girl or settling down with the person he loves. He even says to you that he doesn’t believe in marriage and that marriage will always bring the two people together even though they fight. All of those to Roger are just pure utter bullshit. So you tried to fall out of love to him, but damn it won’t work because every year and every thing he does will always be interesting and attractive to you. He’s irresistible.

“Are you okay Y/N? Did you eat your lunch earlier?.” Brian asked before Roger would say anything, completely beating him to it.

“Y/N, I know we’re all tired and–” Roger started but you shrugged him off.

“Seriously guys, I’m okay. I just thought of something.” You smiled at him then your eyes dropped on Katie, who have an astonished look at you, feeling that jealous look again since all of the boys are actually worried of you.

“Okay, Y/N fine, everything’s fine. Shall we order the drinks already?.” Brian announces. All of your heads nods to his words, calling up the waitress as you all told your drinks for tonight. You felt Brian’s arm rested on the booth behind you, feeling the warmth of his arms, surprisingly comfortable.

You knew Brian had a crush on you ever since Roger introduced you to them, but this guitarist is still denying those feelings to you, even though his greatest friend Roger finally leaked to you how he adores you and how he is completely attracted to you. You are flattered, very flattered, because Brian is cute himself too but you just think he’s not the right one for you. He deserve someone out there who will accept him and love him dearly.

And you’re still hopelessly in love with your best friend.

“So Bri,” Roger interrupts him, causing him to remove his arms from behind you. The warmth from him faded. “How’s your thesis going?.”

Brian chuckles and plays on his fingers, “Still working on it, having pressures in between performances though. It’s very tough…”

“Well, you’re studying PhD today and working on your own thesis makes you the smartest being in UK.” You joined and Brian laughs, returning his hand behind you again.

“God you make me blush Y/N, I’m literally not the smartest being in UK but I take that compliment thank you.” Brian smirks at you, bumping fists with him. Your eyes trained over to Roger who’s eyeing you two, but when he notice you looking, he turn his head to Katie as they continue on what they are talking about.

You’re still taking this easy, just nice and slow. And the path to your ultimate goal is definitely happening right now.

…

Freddie took a lot of rounds in the pub, Brian did too as he is now drunkenly talking about space dust in his thesis and the time travel thingy, butterfly-effect thingy and all that shit. Wasted Freddie was so interested in listening to him, while having Deaky resting in his arms. Roger and Katie was playing the pinball by the corner, just beside the jukebox while Love Me or Let Me Be Lonely by The Friends of Distinction. The groovy tune of the song made you thump your feet on the ground and lipsync the lyrics. Roger hated the type of dance music and he’s the complete opposite to you. So, everytime you’re with him, you’re always will going to blast some songs that weren’t his type, soon seeing him so pissed off on you. And would actually change the radio to find some Hendrix.

You didn’t drink that much, even to Roger since he’s driving, but Katie was wasted as well. Her toned legs are slightly looking wobbly as Roger supports her, holding her body as they play the pinball, probably winning. You stole Freddie’s box of cigarette on the table as you left the pub, putting on your thick fur coat that Roger wanted to stole from you before. You light up your cigarette, taking a huge drag while looking at the empty streets in this late hour.

“When will I ever say my feelings to him? If I would say it, would he happily accept it? Would he like me back? Would he stop finding different women and just only look for me after each shows? Would he change himself for me?…” You said to yourself. Chest tightening for a second and then felt that pang inside, knowing that none of those would ever happen because you know it. You definitely know it.

“Who’s he?.”

You jumped in shock when you suddenly see Brian making his way to you, hands inside his jacket too. His curly hair we’re all over his face as you laugh at his drunk appearance. You stood on your tiptoes, brushing away the hair covering his face as you’re now looking at his hazel colored eyes that are tired. You didn’t realize you’ve been standing so dangerously close to him as you create the space between you and him again.

“I–uh, how are you now? Are you feeling fine?.” You awkwardly asked, scratching at the back of your neck. Boots clicking as you’re tapping your feet on the ground, showing that you’re nervous.

“Best drink, grateful to be drunk in those magnificent drinks. Hope this hungover won’t be a dickhead in the morning.” Brian says while massaging his temples, “And actually, who’s the guy you’ve been talking about earlier while you’re alone here? I swear I hear you saying, Would he…would he…in a couple times that I can’t count.”

You gulped, “No that’s nothing. It’s just a past of mine, a jerkass boy I liked before.” You lied.

You hated lying.

“Oh,” Brian’s expression changes. “So where’s that guy right now?.” He asks again.

He’s inside the pub, in the arms of somebody else’s. He’s actually your friend ever since in college too.

“Gone. Way gone.” You replied, still going on in lying. You totally forgot about your cigarette between your fingers as you throw the half cigarette on the ground, stepping on it with force.

“Lucky bloke, why did he leave if he’s having the most beautiful girl liking on him?.” Brian responses and that made you stop in your tracks, looking up at him. Your heart’s been racing again.

“God, stop Bri…” You chuckle as you start blushing and he lets out a sigh, lips agape as he tried to find the words inside his head. Like he have prepared a speech inside his mind.

“I’m such a weakling in hiding my feelings to you Y/N and I really wanted this to be out of in denial already and–”

“Bri, you’ve been so good to me but–”

And there Brian’s face fell, also feeling his heart sinking. “But, that’s the word that I’m afraid to hear from you. And now I’m hearing it from you, right here right now, I guess I’m rejected.” His voice cracks.

Oh no, no…

“No, Brian no it’s not like that but, I like you. I like you and I love you as my friend. The person who’s been there for me when I need some help. You really would find a way to keep my happiness be stored in me and I thank you for that and I–”

“But you’re the one that I want Y/N. You’re still the one that I want.” He steps closer, his lanky arms holding both your arms. Now this is making your heart break in pieces.

“Brian, I can’t…I really can’t. I’m so sorry. You will soon find that someone who will love you the way your parents did to you. The love that is unconditional and eternal. I’m not deserving for your love because I’m in love with someone else.”

And there you said it.

“In love…with someone else? Who?.” Brian backs away from you. Your mouth opens but no words came out, like you’re mute for a second and your brain soon clicks.

“With guy I’ve been talking about earlier. But I really want to let it stay anonymous but yes, I am really in love with someone…” You bite down your lip. And then you’ve felt Brian’s distance to you as you sighed in belief.

“For how long?.”

“Gosh, I can’t remember how long it is. I’m clueless.” You slightly chuckled. Lying because you probably knew that on September 1968. Both of you we’re 19 year olds and halfway finishing college. Probably the memorable date of your life.

“Why would you have to keep him anonymous?.” Brian asks and you smiled.

“You’ll know if you’re ready.” You pat his chest as you turn around, hearing the door from the pub opened to see Roger with Katie clinging around his body while Freddie and Deaky are now walking a bit straight, but still losing their balance.

“The pub’s already closing so we have to leave now. Come on, get in the van.” Roger said as you and Brian obliged. Sitting in the backseat together, while Freddie tripped his way inside the van. Deaky just gracefully hop inside and closed it.

Roger guided Katie on the passenger seat as she is now passed out. He drive away from the place and now he’s on your way to Freddie’s place. The drive towards there was silent, almost everyone of you didn’t said a single word. Only to hear the faint sound of music coming from the radio. Roger dropped Freddie off as he said his goodbyes to you, then Deaky went next until you, Brian, Katie and Roger are alone together. Roger was looking through the rear view mirror if something is happening between you and Brian as he feels suspicious. When the van dropped by Brian’s place, he turn to you as he gave you that surprise kiss on your cheek–maybe you’ve felt it too on the side of your lips, which made you froze in your spot. You watch Brian left the van and bid his goodbyes.

While Roger was now driving to your place, then he changed the radio station to hear the intro of Andante, Andante playing. One of the songs you adored but Roger again loathes. When he tried to change the station again, you tried stopped him.

“Hey, that’s my song. Stay in that station.” You said but he ignores you, flipping off to another station again. “Roger…”

“It’s my van and I control the radio.” He stated. You’re shocked on his grumpy remark that made you cross your arms together.

“Killjoy.” You muttered and rolled your eyes. He’s been cold towards you tonight, but you can play this game too as you sent him an icy glare by the time his ocean eyes look over to the rear view mirror.

His van came to a halt to see he’s now in front of your apartment as you hopped out the van, “Hey.” He calls.

You turn back to him again, “What?.” You coldly replied.

“Can I ask you something?.”

Your raise your right brow, “What’s that?.”

He bites down his lip, “Is there something you’re not telling me about your relationship to Brian?.”

Then your brows furrowed, “What? No, I’m not–”

“Don’t lie to me Y/N. I saw what I saw. Him being so flirty with you in the pub, your small talk with him outside and…and the kiss earlier–”

“Roger Meddows Taylor,” You slightly smirk, “Are you jealous?.”

He lets out a mocking laugh and that made you regret on what you’ve said, wanting to take it back, “Me? Jealous of you? Look, I’m just your friend ever since college but I’m not romantically inclined to you. Not ever.”

Your heart sank, “Well then why the fuck are you asking me about Brian? It’s none of your business anyway!.” You argued.

This is getting messy now.

“I’m just asking! And why are you raising your voice at me now?!.” He asks, also raising his voice. Not caring that your next door neighbors are actually sleeping right now. And Katie is still passed out. Thank God.

“And why are you doing the same too?!.” You shouted and he shrugs. Completely giving up on this rubbish fight.

“Oh fuck off now Y/N!, you’re acting like a child and I can’t believe Brian have an interest with a bloody child!.” He backfires and that made your mouth hang open.

You’re hurt, you’re in pain. You hated that phrase, you hated it. “Well then, I guess I’m gonna take my childish ass away from you. Probably won’t see you again, never helping you and the boys. Tell them I fucking quit, maybe you don’t want a child in the group anymore.” You stated. Those words absolutely shooting daggers to Roger.

He knows he crossed the line and now, he made a huge mistake.

“Y/N, I’m sorry I didn’t…fuck–” Roger trailed off as he watch you turn your back to him, ignoring his apology. You stepped inside your apartment, slamming the door close behind you.

You broke down in tears, leaning back on the door as you covered your face. Feeling the rage mixed with shame in your head. Maybe he’s right, you’re just nothing but acting like a goddamn child as you work with them. They’re better off without you and you know your feelings to Roger will be buried deep again, always kept unsaid since nothing in your life is the right time to say it.

…

TWO WEEKS AFTER

Roger was struggling a bit in making the flyers since it’s still being handwritten. Freddie is now helping him while Brian and Deaky are having a jamming session by the corner of the room. Two people won’t do much work, since they lost you in the group. Everything isn’t going normal right now.

“This what happens when Y/N is not around. Our gigs schedule are all over the bloody place! And Y/N is out there holding the planner with all the gigs we have.” Brian complains while tuning his usual red handmade guitar, been calling it the red special now.

Roger kept quiet as he writes on the paper for the flyers again, until Brian cleared his throat. The blond drummer turn his look at the guitarist as they exchange looks at each other. Freddie feels something is uptight and the fact that Roger still didn’t said anything about the fight that why aren’t you showing up with the band discussions.

“What actually happened with Y/N Rog? Huh? Because I don’t believe in you saying that she’s out of town because I just saw her yesterday in Kensington Market as she tries to avoid me.” Brian said and that made Roger sigh deeply.

But he kept his mouth shut again. Feeling the urge to say what he said to you that night, but shame is stopping him.

“Answer my bloody question Roger–”

“She quit! She quit because of me.” Roger raised his voice. Deaky stopped playing his bass and Freddie was shocked on Roger’s remark.

“Because of you? Why?.” Freddie asks.

“I said to her that she’s being childish herself and she’s better off without us, but…I take that back. I crossed her line, I know I hurt her, I made her feel the pain and I know…she’s deeply brokenhearted and I don’t know how to fix this. I did the shameful thing that a fucking friend has ever did.” Roger said. Brian was only staring at him as he listens to his explanation.

“God Roger what did you do.” Freddie gasps, his hands clutching over his chest.

“I immediately regret what I said before but it’s just too late. I broke her…so much.” Roger sadly said, his eyes glued down on the ground.

“You must talk to her again.” Deaky comments but Roger shakes his head.

“She won’t talk to me. Like ever.” Roger deadpans, crossing his arms together.

“Then think of an activity where you can have the way to talk to her.” Deaky again suggested, but Roger is still hopeless to you.

“That’s impossible.” Roger sarcastically chuckles and felt the weight in his chest again.

Freddie was looking at Brian as they discuss about something then Roger saw Brian nod his heads and then faced the blond drummer again. “Fred thought of something and I hope it will be possible to get Y/N back.”

“I’m in with Fred’s idea!.” Deaky exclaims and took steps closer with the others. Freddie planned everything out that made Roger stopped overthinking that much and feels like that would be successful.

“We’re getting our Y/N back darlings, we will never gonna lose her again.” Freddie said and put on a reassuring smile that would try to lift up Roger’s mood.

…

The phone started ringing from inside your living room. You lazily stood up from the couch as you answered the call, only to hear Brian’s voice in the other line.

“Hey, Y/N.” He greets and your heart raced. You feel bad in avoiding him when you’ll see him everywhere. It’s been two weeks since you said a word to the boys.

“Brian, why did you call?.” You replied and you hear him sigh in belief, feeling glad that you’re now speaking to him.

“Can we meet right now?.” He suddenly asks you and that made you wonder what would he do if you and him will meet. In the back of your head, you thought that he’s just going to ask you in joining with them again, probably will ask you a thousand times until you’ll say yes. Or, he will set you up in meeting the other boys to talk to you, including Roger that would add an apology to you.

But those are just options. Maybe he’s up to something more important.

“Right now?.” You made sure.

“Yeah, right now. I’ll meet you at Hyde Park, we’re having a picnic.” He excitedly said. You’re surprised that this is the first time that you’ll go on a picnic and it’s weird since the sun is already setting.

“A picnic? The sun is setting Bri I–”

The line went dead, saying that he just hang up on you, that’s why you’re just standing there in surprise, staring blankly at the phone. You are going on a picnic with Brian right now, like some couples do around this town and you thought about Roger again to what he will think of you and Brian.

You didn’t waste your time to change your clothes and left the apartment. You walked to Hyde Park since its just minutes away from your place, so when you finally saw children, families and couples spending their times here looking so happy and bright, you have arrived.

You’re finding those curls looking like a poodle around the park and eventually saw him by the distance, sitting alone in that mat with a picnic basket. He’s playing his guitar, waiting on you.

“Hey space boy.” You called him as you see his head turn to you, showing you a toothy grin. He stood up on his feet, motioning you to come close as you did, only to feel his warm embrace again.

“I’m glad you’re here. I have missed you…” He says, his arms still around you. His hands are now holding the back of your head, softly caressing your hair with his fingers.

“It was only for two weeks–”

“–why did you do that? Why did you quit?.” He asks. A sigh escaped from your lips, remembering Roger’s words from that particular night again.

You didn’t know Brian already why you had quit your job to them.

“I guess I wasn’t good enough, someone told me that.” You replied to him, that familiar break in your heart is there again.

“You’re always good enough Y/N, what an asshole to say you’re not.” He said and that made you chuckle a bit.

“Thank you Bri, for still being an awesome friend. And thank you for this picnic though, even it’s already sunset.” You slightly laugh as you both sat down on the mat he prepared. “Why couldn’t Roger be like you? He’s always acting cold to me whenever I’m with you and the others…”

Brian gulps when you brought Roger up, “There’s room for improvement yeah? Maybe…Roger is jealous that you’re close to us–”

“Bullshit. Roger never get jealous. He’s a damn cold-hearted person I’ve ever met.” You sarcastically snicker.

Brian fell into silence as he looks away from you, his eyes looking at the children buying ice cream nearby. So he stood up again, your eyes following his movements.

“Where are you going?.” You asked. “Is it what I said about Roger? Did I hurt your feelings because he’s your friend too?.”

“No, I have nothing against what you’ve said about him,” He replies, looking back to you. “Do you like some ice cream?.”

A small smile came onto your lips as you nod your head, saying yes to his treat. He returned that smile too as he walks away, going towards the ice cream truck. You turn back in watching the children flying their kites and couples lip locking while laying on the thin grass of the park. The sun sets, the orange color appeared beautifully on the sky, blending in the blue color.

You heard Brian’s steps getting back again, “Hey Brian, can you tell me about–”

You stopped in your tracks to suddenly see the blond drummer now standing before you. Hands in his pockets as he gives you a smile. You look around for Brian but he’s nowhere to be seen, it’s only you and him staring at each other now.

“Where’s Brian? Did you let him leave?.” You coldly asked him, brows creased together. Arms crossed in front of your chest.

“He showed himself out,” Roger says, taking Brian’s place beside you in this mat. You can’t believe you’re now speaking to the person you despise two weeks earlier because of those forbidden words come out of his mouth.

“What do you mean showed himself out? He just left? He left me here?–”

“It’s not his idea in leaving you here. We…actually set you up for you to talk to us.” He said and you blink your eyes, looking at him if he’s saying the truth.

“What? Set me up? This…this is bullshit Roger! I meant what I said before that I don’t want to see you again! And you set me up?!–”

“–it’s actually Freddie who thought of this plan. It’s not on me.” Roger stated, making you shut your mouth.

“But still I meant it. I quit, I’m never going back again.” You said, not looking at him.

“Y/N please, the band needs you so much. You’re like the most needed person to all of us.” Roger pleads. Body scooting close to you and felt his hand slipped into yours that is laying down on this mat. You pulled your hand away from his touch as your breath hitches. You still remember that you have feelings for him and now he’s sitting here beside you, hands wanting to interlock with you but you’re denying everything again.

You thought of the other boys and how they needed you too, not just Roger. This drummer is the only grudge to you, but bringing the boys in this mess too is just a cruel move. Your train of thoughts were interrupted to hear a thunder. The orange sky from earlier is now covered with dark clouds, wanting to drop a downpour.

“Fuck, it’s gonna rain.” Roger said and quickly stood up, also helping you up. You folded back the mat as he held the picnic basket too.

“Where are we going now?.” You asked him. Lightnings soon appearing in a far distance.

“Let’s go inside the van.” He says, holding out his hand for you to hold. You hesitate a bit before cursing to yourself, holding his hand again. He led you to where the van is parked and quickly got inside, just in time the rain started to pour.

You lean back on the passenger seat as you look over to Roger who’s still isn’t starting up the van, “What are you doing Rog? Let’s go.” You said.

“The downpour is getting worse. It’s safe for us to stay here until the rain slow down. You know I can’t drive with a bloody foggy road.” He retorted and put the picnic basket in the backseat. You also put the mat there and stayed silent for a second.

“I thought Freddie and the others are here with you.”

“Well, I said to Freddie that it’s my fault that you left the group, that’s why he sent me here in his plan to ask you for an apology. I was being a total wanker to you, a cruel person, a bad friend. So please hear me out, I’ve been wanting to say this to you ever since that fight.” He started and now you’re looking in his eyes.

“Alright, go on.”

“Y/N, I didn’t mean those words…I’m just having a bad day at that time. It’s ironic really, because I already have Katie with me before and just performed in one of the prestigious colleges here. But when, I just saw you being so close to Brian is something to me, it’s–”

He stopped talking when you suddenly lean in, reaching out to switch the radio on. Surprisingly the same song on the same night came on, the soft melody of the music engulfs the small room in this van.

“Take it easy with me, please. Touch me gently like a summer evening breeze…” You sang, tapping your fingers on the damp window that is now filled with raindrops. You want to ignore that you’re here with him right now. Just sing the song he despised and maybe he’ll be back to normal again, because through the words he’s been saying, it feels like he’s not himself.

“Take your time, make it slow. Andante, Andante. Just let the feeling grow…” You continued.

There was a silence between the both of you. Until, “Y/N, look at me.” He rasps.

Your turn your head to him, facing that face that was too beautiful for a man, “Roger, I–”

“I like you Y/N, so much…”

And there it feels like your whole world turned around. It feels like you entered an another reality, where everything is happening backwards. You were the first one that planned out everything in saying your feelings to him, since 1968, but right now, you’re hearing the words you wanted to tell him from his own lips. His words dropped like a bomb, exploding your deepest thoughts of him. You feel like you’ve gone through an amnesia, forgetting almost every scene of your life with him and only remembering this scene, right now.

“I…I like you too Roger, but you shouldn’t have to know it.” Your voice cracked.

“Why is that?.” His hand soon cupped your face. The music still playing in the vehicle, the sound of rain is still loud.

“Maybe soon you’ll broke my heart Roger because I know you. You’re not the guy who likes to settle down with somebody and not the one who falls in love easily.” You said, trying not to broke down in tears.

“Y/N–”

“No, maybe I’ll break my own heart because I always fall in love easily and I don’t take things easy. I’m always the girl who likes to make things perplexed. That’s why I’m here in front of you, already being a fucking coward in hearing your confession. I’m a dumb bitch, I’m–”

“No! Fuck, don’t say that to yourself. You’re not dumb.” Roger cuts in, thumb grazing over the skin of your cheek. “And the way you talked about making things complicated for you, maybe it’s because you wanted to see things happen the way you wanted to but not how fate destines to. But taking a little risk would do no harm. You’re not doing any harm Y/N…”

Those words from this clever blond drummer struck your heart that really made your mood lighten up. He’s right that maybe risks can be good sometimes, but still take it easy. And when you look over to the window, the downpour starts to slow down, then your head turn to look at Roger, but you’re surprised in his sudden move.

He kisses you, softly at first. You were startled in his movements, of how his fingers hooks your chin while kissing your mouth. You soon knotted your fingers in his hair, pulling him close as you gracefully kissed him back. Roger made room is his seat, pulling you in to straddle his lap. You did, legs now on either side of his lap as his hands found the back pockets of your jeans, slipping his hands inside.

Roger groaned softly, under his throat as he pull away. Those swollen lips is the perfect view for you since you made that. His lips curled up in a flirty smirk as he pecks your lips again, making you giggle a bit.

“What? Do you want me to stop Ms. Y/L/N?.” He whispered on your mouth. His warm breath engulfing your lips.

“Never stop Mr. Taylor.”

[maldaptivedaydreamer]

Strange Addictions- M.Y.G (1)

Pairings: Yoongi/Reader, Taehyung/Reader

Type: Gang/Drug Dealer AU?! BTS RUN ERA!

Genre: Angst,Crime, Slow Burn??, Eventual Smut

Warnings: Strong Language, Mentions of death, stuff you expect from this genre really.

Word count: around 2k.

Preface:

Y/N was an incredibly smart and innocent young girl. Her eyes sparkled like the stars and she was the very definition of charming and youth. So when she finally moved to the same city as her older brother, the summer before UNi began, it was no wonder how close she became to his troubled friend Taehyung. She was loving life but soon money got tight; what with preparing for school and such. So while exploring her soon to be new campus, she was tipped off by a student about a part time job delivering pizzas. How awesome! Her coworker is aloof but attractive and slightly older than her. But when he warms up to her, and with the permission of the boss, he promises to look out for her and teach her what he knows. She gets far more than she bargained for and soon it’s too late for her to turn around. But with him she didn’t care. At least for awhile. But nothing good ever lasts in this city and soon everything has fallen apart and Yoongi and Tae are no where to be found. Forced to take Yoongis place, she is now ruthless and hardened after all this time. Best in her business now really. But at night the girl she used to be slips out now and then. It’s his fault but she can’t let him go.

I thought I knew fear. True deep fear. Up until now fear was a spectrum of emotions spun into one. Constantly shifting and almost undeterminable. A force of its own demanding to be felt. I thought I knew sorrow. Promises un-kept and missed opportunities soon to be forgotten within the passing of time. All holding respective lessons to be learned. Stepping stones of self-discovery and growth. Necessary. Accepted.

My world has always been vibrant and moving. When change did not come, I made it myself. Finding simple pleasures in the world around me. My eyes were always set on the far horizons of “What Could Be” or far behind in “What Had Been”. My life, in my eyes, was a blank canvas and I wanted to capture the essence of life itself in that one painting. With that goal in mind, the come and go of people in my life didn’t matter as much. They had their own paths to follow.

But over the course of a year or so it seems any and all essence of life has been drained from me. The unforgiving city took all I had to give with little regard. Tainted innocence. People acting similarly. And soon I was no better. Following the crowds mindlessly during the day and running the streets at night. My eyes were sunken and exhausted from the lack of sleep I had been getting but I couldn’t stop. After all: There Ain’t No Risk For The Wicked. And dealers don’t get sick days.

Today was an average day with equally average weather. Grey skies reflected off grey pavements as soft chill blew through unevenly.

I work part time as a pizza delivery driver complete with the dorkiest scooter and helmet combo. A job I once eagerly came into back when he still worked here. But that was months ago. But business as usual with customers getting their fix and a side of pizza. I can’t help but crack up at the set up every now and then. “Yes can I get a large pepperoni with extra spice? ”

The phrase (spice) was inconspicuous enough that if anyone overheard they would be none the wiser. But the owner and anyone he trusted to work under him knew. And because I had “such a unsuspecting and adorable face” he immediately took me under his wing. Well not after a few so called tests of corse. At first they were frightening when I had no idea who I was working for let alone with.

But Yoongi. Yoongi always made sure we came home safe to the Old Man. He used to anyways. Jealousy and spite are poisonous things.

I was running a delivery to a regular today though. Triple spice with extra dust for one Seok. His full name was Hoseok but for the sake of orders he only ever went by Seok. Although when I first met him he insisted I call him Hope. He had the brightest smile that could outshine any star and a laugh like a dream. I fell for him a bit that day but in more of a childish school girl way. I felt guilty when I first began delivering him more than just pizza. When I thought we were friends. Now it’s just business.

Rounding the corner past the dry cleaners and laundromat I pulled over and parked the scooter on the curb. He lived in the apartments above the mainstream businesses and I had a few other customers on this same road. Some days I’d make 8 deliveries at once. Ha! Heading up the creaky stairs, covered in carpet at least 30 years old, I nearly tripped over the one collapsed spot.

“Pfft you would think after nearly two years you would remember to not step there” spoke a familiar yet raspy voice.

“Yea well after two years you would think your bastard slum lord would’ve fixed it” I grumbled meeting eyes with Seok who draped himself almost casually against his door frame waiting for me to close the distance.

“You got my money Seok?”

“I really wish you wouldn’t call me that when it’s just us you know” he chided but nonetheless pulls out the required bills and passes them to me under the pizza box as we trade off. I don’t have to bother counting them here though. He was many things but he was reliable when it came to this.

“You wanna come in and share this with me? You look tired y/n. You should come in and relax?”

“Seok..”

“Y/n.”

“Hhrrrg Hobes I am not doing this today. Why don’t you call up Jimin? I’m sure he would be thrilled.”

“Aish he’s not answering. Hung up on another girl”

“Hmmm maybe you should try that sometime. Maybe not a relationship but just get laid or something.” I raised my eyebrows at this pointedly. But he just smirked.

“Well if you’re offering..”

“Goodbye Seok!” Rolling my eyes, as he sighed and shut the door behind me, I went back down the stairs avoiding the dip at the top this time. Someones gonna bust a knee cap on that bullshit one of these days.

The familiar hum of the bike underneath made it easier to remember the girl I had been before. Sometimes I would even ride it by the river and pretend I was a normal Uni girl again. Before I had dropped out and everything spun wildly out of control.

Jin insisted one day we would bring mom and dad out and have a cheesy family picnic together. I laughed then at how silly it sounded but….I would trade everything in the world to have that now.

I haven’t spoken to my parents since his passing. Truthfully he’s the reason I can no longer sleep. His death plagued my nights and almost my days until I finally killed off all my feelings.

Well almost. There are still nights where my throat is raw and my body is ravaged and racked with sputtering tears and silent wails. I can’t cry to loud so I have to choke the sobs down usually which leads to me getting sick half the time. Beats noise complaints I guess.

“WATCH WHERE YOU’RE FUCKING GOING!!”

“Oh shit!”

I grabbed the breaks and yanked my steering towards the left until I was completely clear of the asshole that decides to step out into the road. Hard dirt and gutter water splattered all over me once I made contact with the ground. The bike crushing my legs in a weird twisted mess. But seemingly no broken limbs at least. Now who the fu-

“Yo y/l/n did you not fucking see me?”

Tae? What is he doing back in the city?

“Are you listening to me?”He gestured angrily but all I could do was stare blankly and blink as I picked up my bike.

“*under his breath and exasperated* This crazy bitch who does she think she is?”

“Pfft not your bitch for sure. Also speak up if you’re gonna go talkin shit.”

“Oh that’s rich coming from you.”

“I sure hope it is. And where the fuck have you been exactly? Seok and Jimin said they haven’t heard from you in nearly two months?”

“I’ve been working and taking care of my family. Some of us have to make a more modest living than others to make ends meet” he narrowed his eyes as he finished his sentence.

Easy to say that Tae has not, and never will be, a customer of The Old Man. He didn’t know about the whole operation until what happened with my older brother. In fact we had all been close when I first moved here.

“I don’t have time for this.” I stood planning to leave before a thought occurred to me; “How’s your mother by the way? Is she..ya know... ok?”His eyes darkened but he shifted his stance and his gaze to the side. Like he was trying to keep himself together.

“I’m with her so she’s fine”

“You know that’s not what I mean-“

“It’s none of your fucking business y/l/n” Again I blinked, turning to start the bike and climbing on; not bothering to wipe the dirt off my body or face.

“Whatever”

He bristled. “You know this life is not what he wanted for you-“ he begins lowly, looking back up to meet my eyes.

“Yea well to quote yourself: it’s none of your fucking business Tae” and with a sardonic smile I sped off back to the shop where more deliveries were to be made.

Just an ordinary day. Sure.

[purplesurveys]

559

Have you today?

Looked in a mirror? Yeah, I was looking at myself while brushing my teeth earlier.

Watered a plant? I don’t think I’ve done that in the last few years.

Worn denim? Nope, I’m staying in today. And I kinda have to anyway, because it’s a holiday. Washed your hair? Yep, I took a long shower a few minutes ago. Been in pain? Yes, woke up to the same toothache that’s been bothering me for a few weeks now. The pain is on the down low at the moment, but yeah it was there when I woke up.

Had a nap? Not sure if it counts as a nap, but I decided to sleep in today and kept waking up a few times the whole morning until I finally woke up for real at around 11:30. Brushed your teeth? I already mentioned that I did this, yes. Kissed someone? I gave my dog some kisses today, but not a person. Used a cheese grater? I’ve eaten one meal today and it didn’t need any cheese. Eaten something sweet? Nope. Spoken to a stranger? Also no. Like I said, I’m staying in today. My introverted ass is tired from the last few weeks of working and socializing. Dropped something? I don’t remember doing so...I’ve only been in bed all day. Felt upset in some way? I’m feeling a little down, but I wouldn’t call myself upset. Drank coffee? I took two painkillers in one day yesterday, which is bad in itself; I wouldn’t want to mix coffee into my system.

Walked for more than thirty minutes? Nah, the furthest I’ve walked today is to the bathroom to take a shower. Signed up for something? That’s a no. I really should have picked a different day to fill this up, hahaha. Travelled in a car? I didn’t drive today and don’t plan to until like Tuesday, because that’s when I have to go back to school. Opened a can? Here’s a tiny secret: I don’t know how to open cans :c Thought about doing something crazy? Nah, I’m not feeling too crazy today. Listened to a new song? As a matter of fact I am. Spotify will sometimes play you a bunch of new songs it thinks you’d like based on the music you do listen to, and that’s the playlist I have on right now.  Written in a notebook? I have not. Fed an animal? I gave my dog the rest of my lunch when I didn’t feel like eating anymore. Checked your emails? I had to answer a couple of them, yes. Told someone you love them? No, not yet. Made a phone call? Nope.

Have you in the last week?

Travelled on a bus? I haven’t been on a bus since my high school class went on a retreat to Baguio four years ago. Washed your face? Yep, yesterday. My face was feeling oily for some reason so I used some facial wash we had in the bathroom. Used a blender? I don’t think I’ve ever needed to use a blender before. Received a phone call? Yeah, Gab calls me most nights. Talked to someone you dislike? I had to talk to this girl who has a known attitude problem because we’re working on something together in a subject that we’re classmates in. She hasn’t shown me her rotten side just yet but I’ll be more than ready if she does. Consumed alcohol? Yeah, I went to two Halloween parties in the last week :/ Eaten pasta? I don’t think I have this week. Planned for an event? We don’t have any upcoming events so there’s nothing to plan for to begin with. Asked someone for a favour? Yep, I asked my classmate Gia to bring her VGA adapter because I needed one to do my report for history class and I don’t have an adapter of my own. She’s super nice and helped me out. Watched something funny? Yeah I mean I make it a point to watch at least one funny video a day so that my days aren’t completely shitty. Trimmed your nails? I have not, which explains why they’ve grown out so much lately. Browsed Reddit? I haven’t been browsing Reddit as much lately because I’ve been busy, but I did open the app at least once within the last week. Talked to yourself? I often talk to myself while driving alone. Purchased tickets for something? I did not this week. Felt like you were annoying someone? Always. Cleaned a toilet? Nope. Reminisced about the past? I mean, my friends and I always do in one way or another. Used headphones? No, my old headphones have been busted for yeeeeears now. Laughed with a friend? I spent time with several groups of friends this week, yeah. Which is why I’m completely socially exhausted now. I’m using the undas weekend to recharge. Cooked dinner and then didn't feel hungry? I don’t cook, so this is an automatic no. Written a list? It was a to-do list of stuff I had to accomplish before the undas break, if that counts. Played an instrument? Technically I did? I was sleeping over at Rita’s place last weekend and their guest room had a ukulele lying around, so before I fell asleep I do remember strumming the strings for a few minutes, even though I had completely no idea what I was doing. Felt jealous or envious? Always do. It’s my worst deadly sin. Ignored a text message on purpose? Always. Congratulated someone? I always make it a point to congratulate my friends for their leaps, whether big or small.

Have you in the last month?

Made a piece of art? Art is my weakest suit and it’s something I never even try to dabble in, because I know I would be horrible.

Rewatched one of your favourite tv shows or movies? I always rewatch Friends, and I did attempt to do a rewatch of Breaking Bad before El Camino was out on Netflix, but I didn’t get to finish it because uni had kept me very busy.

Called a plumber? There wasn’t any need to.

Been to a see a doctor? No. I definitely should go to the dentist, though. Finished a book? I haven’t been reading. Had a crush on someone? Of course.

Travelled on a train? Nooooooo I hate the public transport system in this country. Worn heels? I haven’t had to in the last month. I wish I owned more pairs to just wear casually to school though; it wouldn’t hurt looking like a bad bitch around the college hahahaha. Been to a friend's house? I’ve been to Gabie’s and Rita’s houses.

Shared a bed with someone? Yes, Gab has slept over a couple of times. Been to see a movie at the cinema? I think it’s been more than a month since my sister and I saw Hello, Love, Goodbye at the movie theater. Paid attention to celebrity drama? Meh, loosely. I know of the issues, but the drama lately hasn’t been too juicy. Felt anxious? AL. WAYS. Taken an elevator? On the days we were too lazy to take escalators. Given someone the cold shoulder? I don’t think I’ve done this recently. Purchased a new book/game/movie? I didn’t purchase it but I downloaded Mario Kart on my phone. Applied for a job? Nope. Used a printer? Yes, I’ve had to print papers and handouts for several classes. Had lunch in a park? We don’t have any parks, and anyway it’s usually too hot to eat outside. Gotten a manicure or pedicure? Not a fan of either, so no. Made an appointment? No. I did ask my mom to schedule a dentist appointment because my 21 year old kiddie ass is still too anxious to do it myself sjdklsdfdfhdkhskdjfsjffskfhkjsfh Had a blood test done? NO. Is this the one where they prick your finger? NO THANKS BYEEEEEE Suffered from a major bruise? It wasn’t major but I did briefly get a nasty bruise on my knee a few weeks ago. It was probably from PE but I never was sure where it came from. Researched a topic in-depth? I kinda have to; I’m working on my thesis for the next year or so.

Have you in the last year?

Been to the beach? Yes, several times. The most recent time was last August in Nasugbu, which was kinda bad timing on our end because we usually get bad typhoons in August haha. But it was the last week of summer and we wanted to do something fun before we had to go back to school, so off we went. Visited someone in the hospital? Thank goodness I haven’t had to. Played pinball? No, but I have played races on Waluigi Pinball courses on Mario Kart if that counts HAHAHAHA Travelled on a plane? Yes, several times. Worn a costume? I have. I went as Dora for Halloween this year. Been thrift shopping? Yesssssss. I got into it a few months ago when I saw a few stalls at a local mall selling really trendy tops for much cheaper. Thought about getting pregnant or got pregnant? Neither. Made a big life decision? I decided on my thesis topic, which is personally a pretty huge decision to make. Changed a lightbulb? Nope. I don’t know how to. Framed something and put it on your wall? I haven’t. My wall has stayed the same for like three years now. Been stargazing? Nah. Haven’t really had the time to. Made a new friend? New people who come into the org. Added to a collection? Obviously I’ve gathered more receipts from my dates with Gab within the year, but I haven’t gotten around to organizing any of them. They’re all just piled up in my wallet. Been to the dentist? No, but I have to UGH this toothache is out to kill me I swear. Broken up with someone? Nope. Held a baby? I don’t think so but I wish I’ve gotten to do it D: Created a budget? I mean I always carefully plan out my weekly allowance, so yeah. Confessed feelings for someone? I already did that three years ago. Had surgery of any kind? Nope. Quit a job? I have not. Been in a car accident? No, thank jeebus. Purchased something worth over a grand? Not yettttt, but I’m planning to for Christmas. Been on vacation at least 500km/300mi from home? Yes, when we went to Batanes and Albay. Applied for an academic course? Does enrolling for a semester count? Had your photo taken by a professional? No not yet, but very soon when I get my graduation photos taken.

[oc-character-development]

So yesterday I finished my first year of uni!

Which is something both me and my parents never thought I’d do! If you’d told me last year I’d have done that then I would not have believed you (I was in a horrible place mentally this time last year to the point I was thinking of ending it)

There was some ups and downs this year so here’s a few.

Positives:

I actually made friends of my own! (most of them are boys but for some reason I get along better with boys than girls might be because of my special interests and tomboyish nature)

The majority of my course mates were super nice and accepting of my differences? to the point they helped me out during the worst sensory overload meltdown I had had in a classroom in about three or four years (long story, but I actually broke down into uncontrollable and unstoppable crying because of the pain the noise was causing me) and were constantly checking up on me after.

I joined the Doctor Who society!

I got to geek out about a lot of stuff with my friends (turns out my friends are nerdy but ‘cool nerdy’ as my mum actually predicted)

The group I was in for the assessment performance of the Bacchae got to use sticks and we started singing I’ll make a man out of you! And even those who weren’t in our group joined in with the singing. One of the best moments of the year!

I absolutely schooled a stuck up and ableist class member on several things to do with Greek mythology during the rehearsal process for the Bacchae (and corrected him quite a few times when he wouldn’t listen to me when I said I was not changing my costume a day before the performance, I gently pointed out that we were doing it in modern day clothing, and for the scene we doing, it wouldn’t make sense for Dionysus to be wearing something different to the Maenads when he’s supposed to be in disguise as a mortal. It’s the major point in the play). It felt good to stand up for myself.

I’ve become way way way more confident and aware of what I can and can’t do physical and mentally (due to my Cerebral Palsy and Autism) and learned it’s okay to speak up and say that you’re uncomfortable with something or that you need help.

Negatives:

One person (who later dropped out) ridiculing me for not getting a joke and saying that joke as an actual point in a presentation despite me telling the entire classI was autistic and do not necessarily understand jokes/ will take things very literally sometimes before hand and him not telling me it was a joke because he said it seriously and just assumed I could read his social cues. and then he made me feel guilty and kept saying it was my fault for making a fool out of our group for the rest of the day (he was horrible to quite a few people though, to the point where he almost killed another classmate because he gave him something and he spent three months away in hospital because of it. I don’t know what it was he gave him though).

One of the Lecturers telling me it wouldn’t be the best idea for me to do one of the modules I wanted to do next year (and would be the best module to do to go into acting which is what I want to do when I leave uni) because I wouldn’t be able to use my method for preventing a meltdown as it would be impractical (it is literally just sitting out for a few minutes with my headphones on- which is NOT impractical or harmful for anyone). I ignored her, went with my gut instinct and signed up anyway (good thing I didn’t wait until the meeting that was never actually set up otherwise I wouldn’t have gotten a spot since it was a very popular module).

That same teacher not realising I was having a meltdown despite looking directly at me as I was trying not to cry and was actually clutching my ears to block out the noise (I do this as a habit when I’m anxious or nervous or on the brink of a meltdown. I was on the brink of a meltdown) and completely on purpose ignoring me for the only other student in the room (her favourite student) after the lesson to have a casual chat because he did an exercise she liked (that exercise set off my meltdown because it was way loud and she wouldn’t let me get my headphones from my bag). I managed to get out of there and back to my flat before I had a delayed meltdown.

ableist dictator like guy in our last assessment group (the same favourite student as the lecturer above and the same ablelist classmate from the positive section) asked me what was specifically wrong with me (which was not a question I was used to but it was fine) when I said I couldn’t be one of the Maenads in the Bacchae because it would be too loud for me and that another lecturer suggested I take the role of Dionysus or Pentheus. Then asked me what I can and can’t do (which once again was fine but I was having a hard time explaining it) but then asked me very bluntly whether my physical disability (cerebral palsy) was permanent or whether it would get better before our performance (uh no, I’ve been like this since birth, it’s was caused by irreversible brain damage at birth and an early birth so no it ain’t getting better mate). I had to put up with other nonsense from him throughout the rehearsal process, including (not in order); him trying to get me to dress in a bedsheet for the costume despite the fact we’d already agreed on doing modern clothing, trying to get me to learn an entire monologue that we’d all agreed we weren’t doing two days before the performance, trying to get us to rehearse over the holidays despite us telling him that three of us had literally no time to with jobs, going on actual holidays and seeing families (that one isn’t too bad though), and changing something literally sixty goddamn seconds before we did the actual final performance, amongst other things. (He also kept trying to get me to do things I was not comfortable with even by normal drama standards and stuff I couldn’t physically do despite both me and the other group members telling him several times I couldn’t do that stuff and pointing that the stuff he was trying to get the others to do would create extreme amounts of noise that would have caused a meltdown) Good thing is he’s moving courses next year so I don’t have to work with him again (hopefully)!

I only went out twice this year to any event with my drama class (first to a musical theatre night and then to a meal at the end of the year). I should go out more next year.

Overall it’s been a great year for me so far! And I can’t wait to go back in September! BRING ON YEAR 2!

[cherrydae]

Clandestine | 7

Series: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9

Genre: Assassin!Baekhyun

Warnings: light(?) smut

Word count: 4.7k

Summary: One drunken night leads to your life getting entangled with a network of assassins. You became their target, and Byun Baekhyun the shooter.

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Once the lecture was over and you packed your stuff, you made a beeline towards Jongdae. “You. Come with me. Now.” You hissed at him before walking out of the hall and to one of the hallways of which you knew that not many people would be present at. Jongdae followed you, a lazy grin hanging on his lips.

“If you’re taking me to somewhere secluded to have some fun, I wouldn’t recommend us staying at this university.” He said, the smug tone dripping from his words. You sharply turned around, glaring intently at him as you halted in your tracks.

“I don’t need your fuckery right now. What on earth are you doing at my university? I swear if you’re after me again—” But Jongdae merely shrugged, shoving both his hands in the pockets of his dress pants. He was a genuinely good looking man, but his good looks didn’t make up for the fact that he was about to stick a knife in your stomach about a week ago.

“You’re insane. Why are you after my life? Trying to kill me again? I’m calling the police.” You took out your phone, ready to dial the needed number, but Jongdae snatched the device from your hands and stuck it into his pocket.

“You call the police, and I’ll make sure you die a gruesome death.” He hissed, eyes slightly narrowed at you before he moved to lean with his back against the wall. “I’m not here for you.”

“Then why are you here, huh? A week ago you wanted me dead, so what changed your mind?” You retorted, arms crossing firmly over your chest.

Jongdae’s lips curled into a smile before he let his gaze fall on you. “Let’s say that taking your life isn’t as high on my to do list anymore. So don’t worry about it, doll. I’m here to enjoy a bit of the uni life. You’re safe.” He walked over to you, and you frowned, stepping backwards as he neared you more and more.

He eventually had you backed up against the wall, his hand right by your head until he reached into his pocket to take out your phone, placing it into your hand and making sure both your hands made contact. His lips were then by your ear. “For now. So I recommend you don’t test my patience?” 

You were about to reply, until you heard a voice from the end of the hallway. “Get away from her, Jongdae.” 

It was Baekhyun.

Jongdae then slowly backed away from you, raising his hands in the air, his grin however still present. “Hello to you too, Byun.”

You frowned. Jongdae knew Baekhyun’s name?

“Shut it. It’s a bit low of you to take her somewhere secluded. What were you planning, huh?” Baekhyun walked further down the hallway, nearing the two of you.

“In my defense, she was the one that brought me here. She needed to talk to me, and I followed.” Jongdae’s hands lowered, as his gaze was now fixated upon Baekhyun.

“Wait— Do you know each other?” You asked, the frown etching deeper into your forehead.

“I don’t know? Do we, Baekhyun?” Jongdae asked, sounding rather amused. Baekhyun, who was now standing by you, simply rolled his eyes before turning to you. “Y/N. Go ahead to the lunchroom. I’ll be right behind you.” 

“But—” You started, but Baekhyun cut you off. “Please? I promise that I will explain.” When his eyes locked with yours, you forgot for that moment that you were mad at him. You forgot that they seemed to be familiar with each other. You forgot that Baekhyun was once again dodging whichever question of yours. 

You simply nodded before walking off, fingers threading through your hair as you let out a sigh. So much for being mad at him, huh?

Baekhyun then sharply turned to face Jongdae, eyebrows furrowed together. “What on earth are you doing here?!” He exclaimed, to which Jongdae simply shrugged before breaking out in a smile. 

“I’m just here to enjoy the uni life. Don’t worry, I won’t be going after her. For now. My orders didn’t involve any violence.” Jongdae replied, the smile still present before he stepped closer to Baekhyun.

“If I were you, I’d go back to Minseok. He believes you’re slacking in your— well everything. Go ask if he has a side job ready. Trust me. Because right now, you’re rubbing him up the wrong way.” He gave Baekhyun a pat on the shoulder before he walked past him. Yet before he turned the corner, he stopped and turned to face Baekhyun once again.

“Oh, I recommend finishing the job before tomorrow evening. I decided to host a party myself. She turns twenty one tomorrow, doesn’t she? You wouldn’t want to miss her birthday party, would you?” Baekhyun felt a frown etch into his forehead. 

“Wait— Why are you throwing her a party? And why are you helping me? Aren’t you on Minseok’s side?” Baekhyun said, now walking to the end of the hallway where Jongdae stood.

“I am. But I am also your friend. Somewhat. I don’t quite want you dead. Now go to him. I’ll tell your girlfriend that you had something important to do.” Jongdae shot Baekhyun a wink, to which he ended up punching Jongdae’s arm. “She’s not my girlfriend. And don’t you dare mess anything up.” 

Jongdae simply laughed as he walked away from the male, making his way to the lunchroom. Once he stepped inside, it didn’t take him too long to spot you sitting with your friends at a table. His tongue darted out to wet his lips as he made his way to your table before dropping down in the seat in front of you.

“What the hell? What are you doing here? And where’s Baekhyun.” You asked, dropping your fork down and glaring at the male before you.

Jongdae reached out to take one of your fries before placing it between his teeth and shrugging. “He got a call. He had some very important business to attend to. He told me to tell you that he was sorry, and that he might be back tomorrow.” 

Both your eyebrows rose up, and you were about to ask further, but that was until Yejin spoke up. “Aren’t you the one with manners. Not even asking who the rest of us are?” She was sitting next to Jongdae, and turned around to face him fully.

Jongdae’s lips curled into a cheeky grin. “And who might you be, beautiful?” He swallowed the food before he turned to face her as well. 

You could hear Jongin gag next to you.

“Lee Yejin. Keep it on Yejin. And you’re quite the man yourself.” She replied, mimicking the grin that was currently hanging from Jongdae’s lips. Chanyeol, who was also next to Jongdae, rolled his eyes before tapping him on the shoulder.

“Hey, casanova, I’m Chanyeol.” Jongdae turned to face Chanyeol before raising an eyebrow. “Nice to meet you.” He said with a smile.

“I’m Jongin.” Jongin gave Jongdae a small nod before he continued to eat his lunch. 

You however, fidgeted slightly in your seat. They didn’t know yet who he was. You told them that you got attacked that day, but they didn’t know that it was that very man sitting between Yejin and Chanyeol. You were torn if you should tell them or not.

On one hand, Jongdae did say that he wasn’t after you anymore. He might’ve joined because he was bored or whatsoever. So, he couldn’t mean too much trouble, right?

On the other hand, he did try to kill you last time, and you were worried that he at some point might try again, or go after your friends.

“Hey, Y/N, are you with us?” Jongdae snapped his fingers in front of your eyes, and you blinked, shaking your head before looking at all your friends.

“Are you okay?” Jongin asked, and you nodded slowly. “Yeah, sorry. Zoned out for a little. What were you guys saying?”

“I was saying that you four are invited to the party I’m throwing tomorrow. In honor of you.” Jongdae pointed his index finger at you, and you rose both your eyebrows. “What?”

“I heard you’re turning twenty one tomorrow. And I heard that Baekhyun has quite the reputation here. The handsome new student that threw an amazing party? I’d like to one up him on that one. So, I’m throwing a party tomorrow.” He leaned back in his seat, a content grin stretching over his lips.

“That’s a great idea! Handsome and filled with good ideas. Bonus points for Jongdae.” Yejin said, clapping her hands together.

You let out a soft sigh. “Is Baekhyun going to be there tomorrow?” A part of you hoped he would be there, since it was your birthday either way. However, you didn’t know how you’d act since you were still a bit mad.

“Does it matter? There’s enough guys out there. Find yourself someone better than him!” Yejin pointed her fork at you, and you couldn’t help it but let out a light chuckle.

“Fine, fine. Why not. It’s my birthday anyways tomorrow.” You gave in with a smile. Jongin wrapped his arm around your shoulder before raising his fist in the air.

“Let’s get smashed everyone!” He exclaimed, to which Chanyeol agreed, raising his cup of water up in the air as well.

Your friends seemed to be happy like this. Maybe it was for the better that you didn’t tell them who Jongdae really was.

_______________

Baekhyun let out a sigh as he stepped out of his Audi which he parked in front of the ballroom. He couldn’t believe it that Minseok actually sent him out on a job. An undercover one, even.

He felt his phone ring in his pocket, and he took it out, leaning with his back against his car. “What do you need, Jongdae?”

“Just calling to check that Minseok actually sent you on a mission rather than a kamikaze case. Are you sure he gave you a job?” 

“Yes, positive. I need to go undercover. There is a ball organised by the CEO of the biggest company of South Korea. There are multiple people here, my target included.”

“Right. Sounds legit. Who’s your target?” Baekhyun heard something crash on the other end, yet he decided not to ask, simply continuing his explanation.

“The CEO’s brother. His name is Kim Junwoo. He’s apparently making plans to overthrow the current CEO, so I got the order to wipe him out.” Baekhyun fixed one of the cuffs of his tuxedo before his eyes fell on a couple that just entered the building.

“Sounds juicy. Have some fun whilst you’re at it. It’s been a while since you were sent out into the field. Oh, and do hurry up a bit. The party’s soon. Wouldn’t want to disappoint our lovely Y/N, now would we?” Baekhyun could hear Jongdae’s smile through his words, and he rolled his eyes.

“Shut it. I have to go. They just entered.” Baekhyun then hung up, shoving his phone in his pocket before standing up straight and walking towards the entrance. His fingers moved up to thread in his freshly dyed jet black hair. He felt like it was time for a change.

“Name?” There were two bodyguards that stood by the entrance. He was, however, well aware that they were going to present. The same went for the three bodyguards that were inside the building.

“Kim Youngmin.” Baekhyun said with a polite smile. The bodyguard checked his list before nodding and stepping aside, granting Baekhyun entrance.

His eyes darted around the massive ballroom. There was an orchestra that graced the area with a beautiful melody. There were also a lot of people dressed in gowns and tuxedos. They must be CEO’s or representatives of other companies in the country.

His eyes then fell on his target, and his wife. He knew exactly how he would execute his plan. He’d charm his wife and once he caught both her, and her husband’s attention, he’ll lure her away. He knows that the brother is quite the protective one, so he’d follow. From then on it’s a simple shoot and go.

About two hours later, the majority of the crowd were drunk on either the melody of the orchestra, or the expensive liquor that the bartenders served. They didn’t even notice his existence. Either way, he could see the wife sitting by the bar, alone, a glass of champagne in her hands.

Time to shoot.

Baekhyun easily slid into the chair next to her, ordering a glass of wine before he turned to face her. “Good evening. What must such a beautiful lady do here all alone by the bar?” 

She turned to face him, a sad smile tugging at her lips. “As you can see, the bar is the only thing entertaining this lady this evening.” She lifted the glass up to her lips, downing the rest of it before ordering another glass. 

She seemed to already have hit the tipsy level. That made this job ten times easier.

“How come? Isn’t your husband over there your company for tonight?” His slender fingers curled around his glass of wine, bringing it up to his lips as well, yet making sure his eyes never left the woman.

“That’s only for the people’s eyes. He doesn’t quite give me the attention I want.” A light sigh left her as she reached out for her glass again. Baekhyun, however, reached out before she could, placing his hand on hers and pulling it gently from the glass.

“More of that and you’ll end up drunk.” He said, giving her a warm smile. “Maybe I am aiming for that. That might make this night more eventful for me.” She replied.

Baekhyun then lowered his voice, leaning closer to her until their faces were inches apart. “Let me take the opportunity to make this night more eventful?” He could see her slightly widened eyes search his before she shook her head.

“You are quite handsome. What makes you think you could make me enjoy the night?” He could see her hand move away from his as she slowly dropped it to his knee.

Normally, he wouldn’t mind touches like those. They were part of his job. He had enough women that would get touchy with him. However, he felt odd this time. He tried his hardest to push that feeling away. He was on a job now.

“It wouldn’t be as fun if I tell you just like that, wouldn’t I?” He spoke in a sultry voice, tilting his head slightly to the side. He knew that that was an attractive gesture of his. It charmed countless of women before, and he could see that it had an effect right now since her cheeks were now a rosy pink.

Baekhyun could feel a pair of eyes burn in his side. He got Junwoo’s attention. Onto part two of the plan.

He leaned even closer to the wife, his lips by her ear. “Come with me.” His fingers moved to tuck a few strands of her hair behind her ear before he got up and motioned for her to follow him. 

As he was walking down the hallway, with her hot on his heels, he felt that feeling of earlier in the pit of his stomach again. Worse than before. But he had to push it back once again.

Soon, the two of them were on the balcony. The music from the ballroom was drowned out and replaced by the sound of the night. The warm wind kissed their skin as they stood there, bodies almost pressed together.

“Tell me, mysterious man. What is your plan?” She reached out to rest her hands on Baekhyun’s waist, and he had to take a deep breath before he spoke up, still in that same sultry tone as before.

“I’ll show you the true meaning of euphoria, love.” A grin tugged at his lips as he stepped closer to her, eyes locked with hers.

He felt her hands slide up his sides before they lightly grabbed onto his collar. Yet that gesture reminded him of something else. It reminded him of a kiss. A specific kiss. When Y/N kissed him.

The feeling was back again, and he could finally pinpoint what it was.

Guilt.

“Don’t tell me you’re backing away now? What are you waiting for?” She said, letting go of Baekhyun’s collar as her eyebrows furrowed.

At that moment, Junwoo stormed onto the balcony. “Subin! What on earth are you doing here!” He yelled.

Baekhyun then took a step back from her before flashing her a smile. “I was waiting for this.” He then turned towards Junwoo, his fingers tugging his pants up and grabbing the gun he kept there.

“Greetings from Minwoo.” Baekhyun then pointed the gun at Junwoo’s head before firing it. Junwoo’s body then fell to the concrete, a gaping hole in his forehead.

Subin was about to emit a scream before Baekhyun stepped closer to her, his hand covering her mouth. “It was lovely. But I’m sorry for staining your dress.” He then pressed the gun against her chest, before pulling the trigger. A bit of her blood managed to get onto the white blouse he wore under the blazer, causing him to curse under his breath.

His eyes fell onto the two lifeless bodies before they fell on Subin. He’d be lying if he said he didn’t feel a bit bad. “I’m sorry, love. You’re just collateral damage.” He murmured before he quickly shoved the gun back in his holster.

He had to get away before the bodyguards came to the sound of two gunshots. His eyes then looked over the edge of the balcony. It wasn’t too high of a jump. He had to take it. So without hesitation, he grabbed the railing before flinging himself over it, and landing on his feet.

Baekhyun then dashed back to his car before anyone could manage to catch his escaping presence, and before he knew it, he sped off. 

His eyes fell onto the slight stain on his blouse, and he let out a heavy sigh. Yet before he could think about changing, he caught a glimpse of the clock. He was an hour late to the party.

“Fuck!” He yelled before pressing his foot further onto the pedal and speeding even more towards Jongdae’s place.

_______________

“I can’t believe that I waited for him! He’s an hour late! Fuck him!” You slurred, downing another shot of tequila before running a frustrated hand through your hair. You were already borderline drunk, and it’s been only an hour.

“I told you that you should find yourself another guy!” Yejin retorted, taking a gulp from her beer before grabbing you by the shoulders. “Look around, Y/N! You look smoking hot, and this party is wild and filled with enough people for you to choose from! So have some fun!” 

You felt your lips fall into a pout before shrugging and pouring yourself another shot. She was right, though. You were wearing a pair of white shorts and a crop top on top. Your hair fell in loose curls over your shoulders and you wore heavier make up than normal. But today was a free pass to all that.

“And I just spotted our hot new student. See you!” Yejin gave your shoulder a pat before she walked towards Jongdae. You could see the two chat each other up, Yejin occasionally touching Jongdae’s arm, or him shooting her a wink. It caused you to let out a groan.

“Someone’s not too happy on their birthday.” A voice spoke up from next to you. You turned around, a smile on your lips, yet it quickly fell when you saw that it wasn’t Baekhyun, but the guy from the gym. Sehun, if you remembered correctly.

“I expected someone. But he didn’t show up.” You muttered under your breath. “That’s a dick move. But hey, I can keep you company.” 

You were about to decline his offer, but that was until your eyes fell on familiar figure. It was Baekhyun. And he looked hotter than ever. His hair, rather than the chestnut brown, was now a pitch black colour. He was wearing a white blouse, a pair of dark jeans and sneakers. You felt your breath catch in your throat. 

You were about to walk towards him, but then you saw two guys grab him and drag him to the table filled with liquor. Those two guys, you figured, were his friends Kyungsoo and Yixing. You’ve seen them before, at the party Baekhyun held.

“So, still want me as company?” Sehun cleared his throat, head slightly cocked to the side. You turned to him, before narrowing your eyes slightly as they glanced in Baekhyun’s direction before falling back on Sehun. “Actually. Yes.” 

Another hour later, you were on the dance floor with Sehun. Baekhyun has noticed you by now, but he was leaning against the wall, the plastic cup by his lips as he watched you intently. You however didn’t care at that moment.

The alcohol was pulsating through your system as the bass thrummed through your skull, and all you could think about was dancing until you dropped. You were dancing closely to Sehun, and you decided to place your hands on his shoulders, pulling him against your body. 

“Easy now.” Sehun said with a light laugh, his hands falling on your hips as the two of you continued to dance. Your eyes then fell on Baekhyun and you could see him crush the red cup before walking over towards you both.

He tapped Sehun on the shoulder before pushing him slightly to the side. “I’ll take it from here.” Sehun was about to step in once again, but Baekhyun shot him a glare, and he simply rolled his eyes and walked away.

“Really, Baekhyun? I was having fun!” You yelled over the loud music, arms crossing over one another. 

“Have fun with me!” He replied. You could smell that he consumed quite some liquor himself. He smelled like cherry vodka, with a hint of roses. His hands fell on your hips, and you rolled your eyes before dancing along with him.

“So much for me being mad at you.” You said and he let out a light laugh. “We can forget about that and move on? Happy birthday?” He responded, and you shook your head, hands falling on his shoulders.

“You’re lucky that I like you!” You gave him a wide smile before stepping closer to him, pressing your body against his. The two of you were lost in the rhythm, and you felt his warmth radiate around you. It made you dizzy.

Baekhyun then spun you around before pulling your back against his chest, pressing himself against you as his arms snuck around your waist, his lips by your ear. “You’re lucky that I like you too.” He whispered.

His words made your heart speed up. You could feel his hips press more against you, and it caused your lips to part as you let out a gasp. Yet you then frowned, turning around to face him again. “I don’t get you, Baekhyun! First you give me signs that you like me too, then you tell me that we can’t move on, and now you tell me you like me? What is it that you want!” 

“You!” He replied. But he then quickly shook his head. “But I can’t betray them— But I also want you! You drive me insane, Y/N!” 

“Baekhyun, you don’t make any sense! What do you want?!” You stopped dancing, eyes focused on him as you watched him stop as well.

“I— I don’t know what I want! Or what to say. Or what to choose.” He said, and you narrowed your eyes at him. Yet his hands then fell on your hips once again, pulling you closer to him.

“All I know, is that right now, I’m crazy for you. All I know, is that right now, I want to rip your clothes off, throw you in one of these rooms and kiss every inch of your body, with people wandering in the hallways and wondering what is going on in one of those rooms.” 

You felt your breath catch in your throat, your eyes darting over his entire face before they fell on his lips. You could feel his eyes on your lips as well, and before you knew it, your lips were molded together. The kiss started off slightly hesitant, but soon, your hands were tangled in his hair, his fingers pressing in your hips as you feverishly kissed. 

You were lost in the feeling of his lips against yours, feeling your stomach flip and your cheeks burn in an angry crimson. You were drunk off of his lips, but you didn’t mind the feeling.

He was first to pull away, chest heaving up and down before his eyes darted around the place. “Let’s get out of here.” And you quickly nodded before you let him drag you out of the room, and out of the house.

The last thing you saw before you left the house was Yejin pressing Jongdae against the wall, their lips also connected in a deep kiss.

_______________

Baekhyun and you stumbled into Baekhyun’s house, your hands touching each other wherever they could as your lips remained connected. Baekhyun pushed you against the wall in his hallway, his lips pulling away from yours before connecting with your neck.

Your eyes fluttered shut as your fingers were tangled in his hair, guiding his head as he left a trail of kisses down the column of your throat and to your collarbone. You then pulled him up to connect his lips with yours again in a breathless kiss as the two of you managed to make your way into his bedroom.

Once inside, you threw Baekhyun down on his bed before climbing onto him and straddling his lap, your fingers working their way on his blouse. Baekhyun then moved to sit up so that you were positioned in his lap. His fingers helped yours as you unbuttoned his blouse. Though, your eyes then fell on a faded red stain on his chest. 

“What’s that?” You asked, raising an eyebrow. Yet Baekhyun shut you up with his lips, pulling you into a deep kiss again. “Less talking, more kissing.” He mumbled against your lips, to which you obliged, kissing him back before ridding him off his blouse. 

Your hands roamed all over his bare chest and abdomen, letting out a hum at the feeling of toned muscle under your touch. Baekhyun then flipped the two of you over, lowering you onto the sheets as he hovered over you. 

“You’re so beautiful.” He muttered under his breath, and you reached out to touch his cheek lightly, a smile tugging at your lips before you pulled him down for another kiss. This one, however, was less lust filled. You could feel Baekhyun’s tenderness through this kiss, and you wanted him to feel yours. 

The two of you smiled when you pulled away, eyes locking as Baekhyun fumbled with the button of your shorts, whilst your fingers were busying themselves with undoing his pants.

“You look twice as attractive with black hair. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I first saw you today.” You whispered, and Baekhyun looked at you before shooting you a wink. “This is my natural hair colour. I redyed it to my natural colour.” 

“Keep it.” You said breathlessly as his lips once again latched onto your neck. “Only for you.” He replied.

Soon, both of you were ridden of all your clothing, with nothing but air between you. Your lips molded over and over again into kisses filled with desire, his fingers touching every inch of your body and setting it on fire.

And then, when the two of you connected as one, that’s when you felt it. 

You felt that he made his choice.

That you were the one he chose for.

a/n whewwww that was interesting ;))) anyways! I hope you liked the chapter? let me know; who’s your fav character and why? what do you think of clandestine so far? leave it in the comments below or in my ask!