#there’s a lot more that he’s done but I don’t want to talk about it

[ellecdc]

The Bolter

Sirius Black x fem!reader who meet again [5.5k words]

prompt: poly!wolfstar or just Sirius x reader in which they were friends with benefits but it was obvious they loved each other even though they acted like they weren’t. Then, reader finds out shes pregnant and before telling them, they do something stupid. so reader runs away for a few months. When she comes back (only bc she had to for some reason) shes like 6-7 months pregnant

CW: secret pregnancy, angst, FWB to strangers to lovers, second chance fic, post war trauma, both Sirius and reader are meeesssssssssssyyyyy in this! I don't approve of what they've done but I understand it

“So…she’s coming back?” Sirius asked cautiously, focusing more on the condensation pooling on the coaster underneath his pint than the concerned gazes of his two best friends. 

“Well, I don’t know if she’s coming back, but she’ll be here for Harry’s birthday.” James mollified, sharing a nervous look with Remus.

“Right.” Sirius murmured around a swallow; throat tight and dry though neither the pint nor the pitcher of water in front of him looked as though they’d be able to help him with the matter. 

“Are you going to be alright?” Remus queried, and Sirius offered him the most arrogant scoff he could muster; he missed by a long shot.

“Of course I’m going to be alright.” He huffed. “Why? Can’t two friends see each other after five and a half months of silence?” 

“Sirius-” James started, but Sirius carried on. 

“She’s the only one who’s been silent, you know?” Though he knew that they did indeed both know. “I’ve tried. I’ve tried reaching out.” 

“Pads.” Remus offered consolingly, looking frustratingly like he was going to reach a hand out to Sirius as if he were some over tired toddler on the brink of a meltdown.

“Stop, no I- I’m fine, honest.” He insisted as he took a steadying breath. “I- you… talked to her, then?”

James and Remus shared another look before James allowed the segue. 

“Mostly by owl, but she has spoken on the phone with Lily a few times.” 

Sirius nodded as he considered this; considered the number of owls Sirius had sent that had gone unanswered - perhaps even unopened if the silence meant anything at all.

“She’s…okay?” 

Remus let out a sigh as he shot Sirius a tight smile that looked more like a grimace. “She’s…vague.”

“She doesn’t share a whole lot.” James agreed. “Says she’s fine, things are good. Mostly asks about…all of us, Harry.” 

“She’s still staying with that great aunt,” Remus added, “helping her with the property.” 

“She seeing anyone?” There was no point in pretending that wasn’t the most pressing matter in Sirius’ mind; of course it was. And as angry and bitter as the idea made Sirius, it would have been his own fault, his own doing. He had no one to blame but himself. 

And he’d have to live the rest of his life knowing he was the one who let you slip away - pushed you away - right into the arms of someone else. 

“Not that she’s mentioned.” Remus responded honestly; he couldn’t say for sure that you weren’t, but if you were, you clearly hadn’t said anything about it. 

“Right.” Sirius offered shortly. 

“Pads, I…we would understand if it's too hard for you to see her. If you can’t come-”

“Don’t be daft.” Sirius scoffed deploringly. “I’m not going to miss my godson’s birthday. If anyone should be missing it, it should be her; I’ve been here for the past four and a half months, she’s the one who fucked off for good.”

“Sirius-”

“I don’t understand why you had to invite her!” Sirius shouted then, startling even himself when he realised how breathless he sounded all of a sudden. 

James smiled at him sadly; Sirius wished he’d stop doing that. “We wanted all of Harry’s uncles and his aunt to be there, Sirius…it’s important, yeah? We…we almost didn’t get this chance.”

Sirius could feel a wicked migraine coming on; between talking about you, the close calls and the fact that the group of you were all alive following the war by nothing but chance, and the fact that the person Sirius was most angry with was himself, he downed the rest of his pint and flagged the server in favour of having to look at the pitiful gazes being shot at him by Remus and James.

Sirius couldn’t tell if he was eager for Harry’s second birthday or dreading it. But like it or not, Sirius was going to be seeing you again. 

It had felt like a good idea at the time.

It felt beyond foolish now, but it had felt like a good idea at the time. 

*ೃ༄.ೃ࿐

“Sirius, we just won. We just won, why do you have to leave now?” You practically begged as you followed Sirius through his flat. 

“Because if I don’t get out now, I’m going to be stuck here for eternity.” He all but spat at you as he shoved articles of clothing into his duffle rather haphazardly. You felt like grabbing the bag from him and folding them properly if the act wouldn’t leave you feeling like you were aiding and abetting his abandoning you.

“But what about James? And Remus? What about Harry? You fought this war for them, and they for you - we just got them back!”

“And they’ll be here when I’m ready to come home!” Sirius shouted; turning to look at you with wild, red rimmed eyes. 

“What about me?” You asked quietly, hating how small you sounded.

“What about you?” He asked; face falling painfully neutral. If you didn’t know better, you would have thought he was occluding. 

“I…I don’t know.” You started awkwardly, shrugging one shoulder. “I thought…maybe we’d have a chance now. To try?.”

“Y/N.” Sirius sighed as he rubbed harshly at his eyes; entire being oozed exhaustion at having to have this conversation with you. “Have I not been entirely clear about what this was between us?” 

“Right.” You agreed quickly, biting roughly on your lip and looking anywhere but at him as he let his hand fall away from his face. 

“It’s…it’s not you, doll-” but even your humourless scoff didn’t derail him “I’m not the kind to settle down and be content I- I wouldn’t be enough for you.”

“I’m not asking you for any more than what we have, Sirius-”

“Yes you are.”

“-I just want you to stay.”

“That’s too much for me.” He stated; his voice never raised though he may as well have screamed it at you. “I cannot sit here and play house, I cannot be that guy for you.”

“Cannot or will not?” You asked quietly, regretting the question the second it came out of your mouth and he looked at you with nothing but pity in his eyes. 

“Y/N…”

“I’m sorry I asked.” You let out with a chuckle as you harshly wiped tears from under your eyes. 

“It’s…it’s not forever, yeah? I just…I can’t see myself being happy here…not right now, at least; not for a while.” 

“Where will you go?” Your voice grated painfully as it came out, but you tried to keep an air of nonchalance about you. You wouldn’t look at him, but you could see his shoulders shrug helplessly. 

“I don’t know…everywhere. Anywhere.”

Anywhere was better than stuck here with you, apparently. 

“I hope it’s nice, wherever it is.” You offered, and you found that you meant it. As much as it hurt to say, you really, really meant it. Sirius had been fighting and running his entire life, and he finally won. If he wanted to celebrate his victory by taking off to be that rich, vague uncle who popped by with lavish gifts every so often, who were you to deny him? 

You loved him.

You were in love with him.

You loved him enough to let him go. 

*ೃ༄.ೃ࿐

He had sent James a postcard a few weeks later. Turns out he started in the South of France; his family had a home there that had been left untouched by the war, and Sirius was going to start by figuring out what to do with the property. 

And you? Well, you found out you were pregnant. 

You suppose it was a small mercy that Sirius wasn’t here to know; you’re sure it would have hurt more hearing him tell you he was leaving if there were two of you he couldn’t find it in him to love. You would have hated it even more if he felt trapped into staying with you just for this.

But all this meant was that you couldn’t stay, either. 

You supposed that was alright, though; the life you wanted to build here was with Sirius. You loved your friends, but you had a little one to think about now, too. 

You made up a story about a great aunt needing help tending to her property and wishing to be closer to your relatives now that you could be, now that it was safe. No one questioned it, likely because Remus had done the same following the war; moving back home to help his dad and ailing mother tend the property in whatever ways he could. 

You found yourself a little cottage, you wrote to the boys and had the occasional phone call with Lily, and you grew.

It had felt like a good idea at the time. 

But now you were almost six months pregnant and returning home for the first time since you moved to celebrate your nephew’s birthday with all of your closest friends, the love of your life whose child you were carrying, and none of them knew. 

You wondered if you should even go, but the thought of missing out on sweet Harry’s second birthday that the lot of you almost never got the chance to see made your throat constrict with tears you refused to shed since the war. 

You wondered if you should tell everyone before you arrived, but the thought of them all discussing you and your pregnancy without you being there left you feeling small and ashamed. 

You wondered if you should tell Sirius, but you looked over at the stack of unopened letters he had sent to you in the past four months - the first thin, perhaps a postcard, the second and third were thicker, the fourth was by far the thickest (like he had drafted an autobiography that he wanted you to proofread for him), the fifth was similar to the second, whilst the sixth (the last) couldn’t be more than one page - and wondered how the hell you’d even start that conversation after all this time.

Hey, remember me? Yeah, the bird who caught feelings during our friends with benefits situation that we both agreed would remain platonic amidst a battle for survival and then begged you to stay with no success? Well, whilst you’ve been off probably shagging every beautiful woman across the British Isles, I’ve been pregnant. Right, with your child. How was France, by the way? 

You swallowed around your gag reflex and groaned at your image in the mirror. You put on a pair of gingham pants with the baggiest band-tee you could find, planned on sucking in the best you could if anyone (when everyone) insisted on a hug and hoped to every deity that they all just assumed you’d been eating really well since the end of the war. 

You smoothed the fabric over your bump one last time before you left - looking at the proof that, if nothing else, you were protecting more than just yourself, and you let that be enough - before you grabbed Harry’s birthday present and called for Potter Manor, throwing a fistfull of floo powder into your fireplace and travelling by way of the flames. 

You could hear Harry squealing in delight in one of the adjacent rooms as you stepped into the floo reception room at Potter Manor; a smile taking over your face uninhibitedly at the sounds of the people you loved more than life itself, happy and celebrating.

How could you have gone so long without this? 

“Y/N!” Lily shrieked as she made for you, and you sucked in before returning her hug. “Merlin, you're glowing! Where’s your aunt's place again?” 

“Erm. Killarney.” You offered; not entirely untrue - you did have an aunt in Killarney. 

“Well,” she let out with a breath, eyes turning a touch glassy as they darted across your face, “it seems that Irish air’s been for you.” 

You smiled back at your friend before pulling her back in for another hug. “I’ve missed you, Lils.”

“Don’t let it go so long next time, yeah? We can come to you, too; I’m teaching James how to be a muggle, and Harry’s only had the odd burst of accidental magic yet. We could play the part in front of your aunt.” 

“I’d love that, Lily.” You responded earnestly. 

“Y/N!” James hollered then before you were being bodily tackled by the former quidditch chaser, a brief flash of anxiety at his hold around your stomach abating only when he relinquished his hold on you. “Where in the sodding hell have you been!?”

“Killarney.” Lily answered for you. 

“I love Killarney!” 

“Have you ever been to Killarney, Prongs?” Remus asked then, appearing in the door as he leaned against the archway. 

“No! But I love it there! I just know it!” 

“Hey Moony.” You greeted, quickly accepting his open arms and breathing him in.

“We’ve missed you.” He murmured into your hair, and you couldn’t help the traitorous hitch in your heart that he might’ve meant-

“Uncle Pafoo!” Harry squealed, suddenly standing right underneath you. 

“That’s right, Haz!” The voice that haunts your dreams called out. “Auntie is here!”

“Hullo, Harry!” You cheered as you picked him up, sucking in before settling on your hip. “Happy birthday, little dude.” 

“Am two!” He announced as he held up four fingers. 

“You are two! Way to go!” You laughed. “Is everyone here?” You asked the room, shooting Sirius a tight smile so you couldn’t be accused of hostility when your heart stuttered for an entirely different reason. 

He looked tired - a bone deep tired that no amount of sleep could rectify - and the bags under his eyes seemed to be chronic. But he was still so beautiful; his hair had grown slightly longer since the last time you’d seen it, the last time you’d run your fingers through it, the last time you’d brought sheers to it, and he donned more than a few new tattoos if the few you could see were enough to go by. 

You had to look away.

“Reg’s going to be by after work; his part-time student called in sick so he needed to be there to close the shop himself. Thankfully, they’re only open in the morning on Sunday’s.” Remus explained kindly.

“Good, it’ll be nice to see him.” You offered, and the room fell slightly awkward.

“Uncle Pafoo, aeroplane?” Harry asked then, and whatever exhaustion seemed to be plaguing Sirius vanished as he beamed at his godson. 

“Absolutely, little man!” He agreed, holding his arms out and taking Harry’s weight from you.

“Do you want something to drink, Y/N? Wine? Beer, Cider? Juice? Water?” James rapid fire, causing Lily to groan. 

“We just got her back, Potter. Do try to control yourself.” 

“Water would be great, Jamie. Thank you.” You laughed, following the group into the open concept kitchen-to-living room. 

Save the fact that you and Sirius seemed to be doing acrobatics to avoid each other, you were almost stunned at how easy and natural being back here felt. Regulus returned and the two of you shared friendly jibes, Lily caught you up on all of the drama at the Ministry, James strong armed you into agreeing to join them for their next pub quiz night, and Remus said that your old professors all wished you well. 

You loved your cottage - the home you’d built for yourself and your little one - but you found yourself feeling homesick for here, and you hadn’t even left yet.

You were leaning on your elbows against the kitchen island, watching Sirius and Regulus pretend to be knights in shining armour as they fought off a fire breathing dragon (Harry) to save the princess (James) when Remus appeared beside you and mirrored your stance. 

“It’s not the same without you, you know?” He murmured then. 

“But they seem to be alright.” You responded simply, and Remus allowed the two of you to fall into silence for a few beats.

“How far along are you?” 

You stood up straight and turned to stare at him in horror, only to see him smiling kindly at you. 

“How do you-”

“Lycanthropy - I could smell it on you.” He said with an embarrassed wrinkle of his nose. “I knew Lily was pregnant before she did.”

You shushed him and looked over your shoulder to ensure no one else could hear you.

“Come.” He said with a sigh, gently taking you by the elbow and ushering you out of the sliding doors to the back yard and closing it behind the two of you. 

“Remus-”

“Is it his?” He cut you off; his face held no judgement though perhaps just a touch of concern. For you or his best friend/virtual brother-in-law, you weren’t sure.

“Yes.” You whispered, not bothering to clarify who he was talking about; you both knew. 

Remus simply nodded as he looked you over. “Is that why you left?”

“He left first.” You hissed petulantly.

“He left you, but you left all of us.” Remus countered somewhat sternly. “Besides, I didn’t ask about him; is this why you left?”

“Yes.”

“Why?” 

“Because, Remus!” You shouted, tears flooding your vision as you turned to look at him. “Because he didn’t want to be here. He didn’t want this, he didn’t want me. I wasn’t going to force him to come back just because… just because.” 

“Don’t you think he should have been able to make that choice for himself?” Remus asked gently.

“He chose! He did choose! He told me he couldn’t play house, he told me he couldn’t be this person for me. I loved him enough to accept that. I loved him enough to let him go.”

“Loved?” Remus asked with a tilt of his head. “Past tense?” 

“Remus.” You groaned. “Please.”

“He came back for you, you know.” Remus pointed out. “He left you, you left us, but he came back for you.” 

“Stop it.”

“It’s true, Y/N.”

“And so what if it is?” You nearly sobbed. “So what if he did, Remus? What can I do? I can’t go back in time and change my mind, I can’t go back and fix this. He made choices, I made choices, and here we are.” 

Remus heaved a sigh and looked at you sadly. “I don't think either of you realise that your choices don’t have to remain permanent; there can be an expiration date on them.” 

You were catching your breath from your mini temper tantrum when you heard the glass door slide open, both you and Remus turning to see Sirius standing there almost shy - far shier than you’d ever seen him before.  

“Just talk to him? Okay? You..don’t have to tell him now, just…talk to him.” Remus whispered before heading towards the door, clapping Sirius on the back before disappearing back into the house. 

“Hey.” Sirius offered cautiously after a few beats of silence, coming to stand beside you as the two of you looked over the railing of the patio to the rest of the manor grounds. 

“Hey.” You returned dumbly, clearing your throat before continuing. “You…you look good, Sirius.”

Sirius scoffed, and you could feel your shoulder rising before you saw him smirk at you - if not somewhat sadly - cutting you a playful glare from the corner of his eye. “Did you take up lying there in Ireland?” 

You let out a breathy half-laugh. “I’m not lying.” 

“Then you need glasses. I look like shite.”

“You look tired.” You amended. 

“I’m exhausted.” He agreed, and the two of you lapsed into silence. 

“You look good, though.” He continued. “Healthy.”

You hummed in agreement. “Funny what not having to run on rations and broken hours of sleep on military cots does for a person.”

“Why haven’t I heard from you, Y/N?” He blurted then, turning his entire body to face you. 

“Sirius, I-”

“Everyone else has. You’ve spoken to Lily on the phone. James and Remus have gotten letters. Even Reg got a postcard for his birthday.” 

“I’m sorry.” Was all you could manage to say.

“I wrote to you.” He continued. “Letters, a lot. Did you get them?”

You nodded your head yes shamefully.

“Did you read them?”

You felt your heart splinter at how hopeful and heartbroken he sounded over it. You felt like scum of the earth when you shook your head no, and he let out a sigh.

“I guess that makes me feel a little bit better, then.” He said as he lit a cigarette and took a deep drag. 

You found yourself taking a step away from him when you asked “why does that make you feel better?”

He let out a humourless laugh that forced smoke from his lips. “At least now I know that my begging for a second chance, begging you to come home, professing my love for you isn’t what kept you away.”

“Sirius-”

“I messed up, Y/N.” He declared earnestly. “I…I was fucking scared, terrified. I’d spent so much of my life living with one foot on the threshold of hell that after the war, I didn’t know how to live amongst the undead.”

He took a moment to catch his breath as if he’d run all the way here just to tell you something. “And I ran. I bolted, I…”

“You left.” You finished for him. 

“I left.” He agreed. “I… I didn’t know, Y/N.”

“Didn’t know what?” You asked as you choked back tears.

“Didn’t know what I had, or what I wanted. Or that I had everything that I wanted.”

“And you do, now? You know what you want?” You asked, and a look of determination painted his features as he met your gaze head on.

“For my entire life, I had never known what family meant, so I wasn’t even aware that I’d created my own with all of you until I’d risked it all. I was so sure I didn’t want to be like my parents that I never realised I may actually…want to be a parent someday. I was so sure I didn’t want to be my father that I never realised I actually did want to be a partner someday. I was so certain I’d never know what true love felt like that I didn’t even realise I had it right here all along with you.” 

“Sirius-”

“I messed up. I left. But what I don’t understand is why you did. Or why you stayed away.” He took a step towards you with his cigarette long forgotten in one of his hands, the ash threatening to burn his fingers before you plucked it and stubbed it out on the stone railing. He barely flinched. “Why’d you go?”

“I didn’t want to sit around and wait for you, Sirius. I- it hurt, I was hurt. And then-”

“I’m sorry.” He offered quickly, but you shook your head.

“I’m not telling you this for you to be sorry, I just-”

“I came back for you.”

“But it wasn’t just about me anymore, Sirius!” You shouted then, and you watched his brows furrow before his face fell in horror. 

“You’re seeing someone.” He asked, though he phrased it as more of a statement; like he’d been expecting it.

“I’m not seeing anyone, Sirius.” You sighed.

“Then why’d you leave? Why’d you stay away?”

“Because I’m pregnant.” You blurted, and Sirius fell silent. “I’m almost six months pregnant.”

“Six-” He started, eyes falling to your stomach still hidden behind the baggy article of clothing before you smoothed the fabric over your ever rounding bump. “Six months. Six…”

You let him do the maths in the head as he stared hard at your stomach like he was sitting in divination and it was a crystal ball that might just give him the answers if only he stared at it long enough.

“It’s mine?” He finally concluded.

“Yes.” You whispered.

“It’s mine. You’re pregnant, it’s mine.” He murmured, before his eyes met yours again. “You’re pregnant with my child?”

“Right.” You agreed, and he crumpled to a heap on the floor. 

“Sirius Orion Black,” Sirius heard Remus hiss, clearly hovering somewhere over him, “I swear to Godric if you do not wake up and eat some of this godsdamned vanilla cake you bought, your brother is going to skin you alive.” 

“It’s true.” James agreed from somewhere on Sirius’ other side. “He actually ran to the store when he found out you bought vanilla because he knew Remus wouldn’t eat any of it. Remus is going to get his chocolate cake, and you’re going to get egged.” 

“Shut up.” Sirius hissed as he scrunched his eyes closed. “Fuck.”

“How do you feel, mate?” James asked rather jovially as he clapped him roughy on the shoulder.

“Like hell.”

“Why’s that?” Remus joined in.

“Because I was in the middle of a dream and you sods woke me up going on about cake.” He muttered as he opened his eyes, realising then that he’d been propped up on a number of cushions in one of Lily and James’ spare rooms.

“S’he awake?” Lily whispered, and Sirius craned his neck to see you and Lily poke your heads into the room.

“Oh my gods.” Sirius breathed as he sat up, likely far too fast for someone who fell unconscious mere moments ago. “Oh my gods, you’re actually here?” 

“Did you hit your head, mate?” James asked as he prodded at Sirius’ head, causing Sirius to swat his arms away as he shifted towards the edge of the bed.

“You’re here.” He whispered as you slowly made your way into the room.

“I’m here.” You offered cautiously, eyes darting around at your oldest friends like there might be some secret threat lurking in the room.

“You’re pregnant…” He tried then, punching the air right out of Lily and James who both spun to stare at you in shock.

You smoothed the fabric of your shirt over your midsection again to expose a very obvious (now that everyone could actually see it) baby bump. 

“Oh my gods!” Lily and James chorused, causing Remus to snort.

“You knew, didn’t you!?” Lily accused Remus who held his hands up in surrender. 

“Only when she walked in, and not a second sooner.” 

“With my child.” Sirius continued, and you nodded at him. 

“Y/N.” Lily winced. “You-”

“You sodding scared me!” You shrilled then, grabbing one of the throw pillows James had dumped onto the ground to make room for Sirius and swinging it at him.

“I scared you!?” Sirius shrieked right back, much to the delight of Harry who started banging on the throw pillow that had landed beside him. 

“I thought I killed you!”

“Oh, well I’m terribly sorry that finding out the woman I’ve been in love with for years and pining hopelessly over for months - who was missing for all intents and purposes, may I remind you - is pregnant with my child happened to be a little shocking.” Sirius sneered sarcastically. 

“Well I only went ‘missing’ because the man I’ve been hopelessly in love with for years and pining hopelessly over for months took off an-” The abrupt end of your statement nearly gave the room whiplash as you cut yourself off mid sentence and stared at Sirius like you’d never seen him before. 

“What…what just happened?” James whispered carefully.

“Years?” You whispered then, and Sirius hated every version of himself that deigned to let you go without knowing just how loved you were.

“Probably when we were still just cosmic dust.” Sirius smiled sadly. “I’m sorry I didn’t always realise, I’m sorry I didn’t make sure that you knew.”

“I take it to guess there isn’t an aunt in Killarney?” Lily offered then, smiling kindly at you when you turned your attention towards her.

“No, I- I think there actually is an aunt in Killarney, I just don’t live with her.”

“Where do you live?” Sirius asked eagerly, wondering if you could hear it in his voice or even see on his face just how desperate he was to know everything about you.

��Near Tintagel.” You offered abashedly as Remus slapped his hand on his thigh.

“You minx!” He scolded you. “You lived basically across the channel from me this whole time!”

“I hope it’s nice, wherever it is” You offered him then, smiling through your tears as Sirius swallowed around his bile threatening its way up his oesophagus.

“I hope it’s nice.” Sirius blurted suddenly, and Sirius thanked the heavens for Remus John Lupin who seemed to understand that the conversation delved beyond the need of an audience, scooping Harry up and closing the door behind Lily, James, and himself to give you two some privacy. 

“It’s nice.” You offered wetly. “It’s quiet.”

Sirius hummed in acknowledgement. “In Tintagel, near Merlin’s cave?”

You laughed, which saw Sirius smiling. “I’m not right in Tintagel, just outside. My neighbours are mostly sheep.” 

“Does it have a picket fence?”

“To keep the sheep out of my garden.” You nodded with a smile.

“Flowers; lots of them.” Sirius deduced, you nodded again though Sirius watched your smile falter.

“You’d probably hate it.”

“Are you there?” He asked quickly.

“Well, usually, yes.” You offered, and Sirius shrugged easily.

“Sounds as though it might be my favourite place in the world, then.” 

The next breath that left you shuddered on its way out, and Sirius finally stood and met you in the middle of the room; close enough to touch but not daring to. He hadn’t earned that right yet. 

“Take me with you?” He all but begged then, and your face crumpled in misery.

“Sirius, I don’t want you to follow me because you have to, I-”

“I don’t have to though, I know I don’t; I know you’d never make me.” He assured you then, lifting a hand but pausing to wait for you to nod at him before he placed it on your upper arm. “The letters, Y/N, I- I’ve been looking for you for months.”

A sob tore through you as you lowered your head, and Sirius allowed himself to catch it in his free hand. 

“I don’t want you to feel bad; I’m not telling you so that you feel bad, love.” The endearment falling off his tongue so easily now that he had you in his arms. “But I need you to know that I want you - any of you, all of you - and have for a very long time.” 

“It’s just…you said-” and Sirius knew exactly what he said; he had played that conversation over and over and over in his mind until he found himself sick over it more than once. But we waited for you to tell him anyhow; he’d always wait for you. “You couldn’t settle down and be content, you couldn’t play house; you weren’t that kind of guy.” 

“I know, doll. I know.” He whispered. “I…I didn’t think I was capable of it. I didn’t think I deserved everything I wanted and I knew that you deserved better. That you deserve better.”

“But?”

“But I’d be happy to spend the rest of my life trying to prove you otherwise; trying to give you everything you deserve.”

“Sirius…” You sighed, and Sirius could see your walls cracking. “I…I’m-”

“Take me home? Please?” He begged then, words interrupted by a sob of his own. “To Tintagel, to Killarney, to bloody fucking Azkaban or the bottom of the sodding ocean, I don’t care where it is just as long as it’s with you, please. Please.”

Your hands landed on Sirius’ chest and he was sure you could feel his hummingbird heart beating under your fingertips. He only hoped you knew how it beat for you. 

“Please bring me home?”

James didn’t know if he could consider this a success or not. 

His motivation was not singular; it was a ‘hit two fairies with one gobstone’ sort of scenario, so to speak. Was his son turning two? Indeed he was! Was James throwing a party for said son’s birthday? You’re damned right he was. But was it also a really good excuse to force two of his idiot best friends into the same room again? Absolutely.

Except James seems to have gotten slightly more than he bargained for; Sirius falling unconscious in his childhood backyard, you sobbing into Lily’s shoulder out in the hallway as he and Remus tried to bring him back from the dead, Remus sneering at a slice of birthday cake like it personally offended him and Regulus threatening to defend his boyfriend’s honour, and - apparently - a new niece or nephew coming in the next three-ish months. 

But when he looked over to see you and Sirius emerging from the spare room - both of your faces tear stained and puffy from the grief and torment you no doubt put yourselves through - hands intertwined between your bodies and your hand resting protectively over your growing bump, and a spark in Sirius’ eyes James had thought he lost in the war but now realised he only lost when he lost you…

…yeah, James figured he could probably consider this a success.

[thisismenow3]

It’s a bit like saying “(blank) will end bullying!” And it’s just… no. Bullying in some form will always exist. Toxic gender ideals will always exist in some form. A lot of people don’t get that EAIAC for conservatives has a related phenomenon; they actually like the act of hating so “stopping” something will never be enough. What I mean is that societal change has been more and more conservative the last 40 years when it comes to masculinity in male dominated spaces. And in “family friendly” spaces. That’s culture war. And what do conservatives say they hate? The culture wars. But non conservatives giving up on culture wars “cause ughh, I’m done with this constant fighting” miss the point. The fighting doesn’t stop. Y’all just give up ground. You don’t call out people like in OP’s example because it will change them, you do it because it’s right. And you do it because if done enough there eventually will be a situation where tides within a group change. Whether it’s a group you’re connected to or not doesn’t matter. Sometimes most people ina group are casually, cognitive dissonance racist and really would like an opportunity to put Nathaniel in his place and tell him to shut the fuck up or marry a gay dude since he talks about them so much for Christ’s sake. In the mean time having this mind set helps police your own groups the way toxic masculine driven groups are already doing; cause plenty of liberal and lefty people with any amount of privilege want to backslide the second things get hard and most people on social settings just “want to keep it moving” and not actually have to stand up for anything. That’s how people who ain’t that toxic become more. It was easier to keep going along with the person who is near the “top” of the hierarchy even if they weren’t at the top because that person is belligerent. If there’s no one fulfilling that role for anti toxic masculinity, etc, then we will continue to see conservatives win the culture wars. And winning the culture wars has been how they’ve won at government the last 45 years. Cause even when they’re not in power the narrative is based around things exactly the way they want with few exceptions

If your vision for the deradicalization of right-wing men begins and ends with "other men telling them that that's gross and to stop it" then I'm sorry, you do not understand how masculinity works.

"Men who hold patriarchal status" and "men who are feminists" are two groups who overlap less than you want them to. I'm sorry. That's not solely because men are so happy with patriarchal status that they don't want to risk it by policing misogyny/queerphobia/racism, It's because being misogynistic, queerphobic, and racist, end expressing other forms of toxic masculinity(and often abusively so) are part of how people establish and maintain patriarchal status. The men who have the ability to stop this via nothing but peer pressure are the very people who are doing it. That's by design. And engaging in feminist intervention is, in and of itself, usually the abrupt end of that status and its associated power to persuade misogynistic men.

Like, I have worked in blue collar jobs as a notably queer person. It was pretty much a constant deluge of verbal abuse. In my experience, most blue collar work environments are exploitative, abusive, and bigoted, and very gleefully so. On the occasions I have spoken up about someone saying something that was super fucking out of line (asking me which of the girls walking by was hottest. We were installing a portable classroom at a middle school), believe it or not, they completely failed to be shamed! Because nobody else on the crew gave a fuck. *I* was the weird one. They ghosted me. A full blown company ghosted me. I suddenly didn't have a job anymore because they just straightforwardly stopped telling me where the next job site was.

Like, this doesn't mean that it's your job to do it, but this vision you have of these big groups of men where everyone is on the fence and there is precisely one shit stirrer who can be shut down by a brave feminist man who can single handedly set the example for all these other guys...you are high. You are describing an "everybody clapped" level absurd scenario. Most of these truly virulent misogynistic guys either have zero friends, because, you know, our society is atomized to fuck, or they are in a group where the feminist guy is actually the weirdo who can be shut down and ostracized much, much easier than the misogynists, because there is no such thing as a man misogynists respect who stands up for women.

You might be saying "well, we're talking about longstanding personal relationships, actually. Like, they need to have to want to spend time with you and then, as a side effect, you can mind control them out of being a threat to us."

Problem with that being:

1: Many feminist men also have no friends, see the atomized society above.

2: Feminist men already stopped hanging out with men who make rape jokes because why the fuck would we want to spend time with them.

3: That isn't just because we respect women so hard. We are in many cases talking about men who are also deeply queerphobic, heirarchical, violent and abusive to other men. What initially drew me to feminism and women was a lack of heirarchical squabbling and constant bullying, and the ability to be openly queer. A lot of men who came to feminism did so because they knew that the patriarchy was not a place they would find success or acceptance. These are not the men who are gonna be able to change right wing minds.

4. Men do not view themselves as a monolith. There is no universal brotherhood of men. The actual meaning of the term "Fragile masculinity" is that men are constantly expected to prove that they are deserving of the status of being a member of their own gender. There are large swathes of men--including most of the men who you'd look to as examples of good, feminist men who you want to undertake this project--who are considered failed men, sissies, f****ts, soyboys, ect. They are. Not. Going. To. Convince. These. Men. Of. Jack. Shit. Much less successfully *shame* them. Jesus.

I know all of this sucks. I know it would be cool to be able to just point at a group and have them be responsible for the work. But nah. It's gonna have to be a societal project, one that will probably outlast all of us. Sorry. The thing you want these men to do is, absolutely, the morally correct thing to do. But presuming that it would be effective is, and once again I am so sorry about this, just ignorance of how these social groups function.

[sanemistar]

i won’t let you go — satoru gojo

contains ★ satoru x gn!reader, established relationship, angst to fluff, petnames (baby, love, babe, etc.), 1k wc. ﾉ requested for my milestone event.

event m.list ★ jjk m.list

ever since you and satoru have started dating, you heard a lot of gossip and side talks from people around you about how he's never been faithful to any of his past lovers, how he lets them go after less than six months, saying that he no longer finds them interesting, that he's done being with them, how he's never truly loved and probably never will be able to love anyone. that he's a selfish man who's nothing but a player who toys with people's hearts then tosses them away when it's all over. and you’re no exception, as it’s only a matter of time before you meet the same fate as them.

he'll let you go and forget about you as if you two have never met, because satoru gojo is incapable of loving anyone.

however, you pay no attention to these words. and even if what they say is true, you still refuse to believe that it's anything but mere nonsense. and decide to fully trust satoru like you always do.

because the satoru you know and love, the man you're dating right now, your loving boyfriend, is deeply and madly in love with you. the way he kisses you ever so passionately, how he whispers the sweetest of love words to you all the time, and how he holds you in his arms tightly every night as you doze off to sleep listening to his heartbeat. no way he's leaving you, is it? you're certain of that. after all, he's promised that he'll always love you, that he'll never leave your side no matter what, that he'll never let you be alone without him. because he can't live without you.

he finds comfort in you, you're his home as he claims. and you feel the same way about him, you can't live without him either.

although, you try your best to brush these thoughts off. you can't help but wonder if it's true that he'll let you go the same way he did with the ones before you, that he'll break all these promises about being together forever.

unaware, you let these thoughts consume you as you slowly drown in sorrow.

your head starts spinning as you begin imagining the moment he breaks it down for you that he's leaving, that he no longer wants to be with you, that he's done with you. and your stomach is instantly clenched in a knot. you feel a painful pang in your heart as it gets heavier and heavier by the second.

just when you’re about to get completely lost in your thoughts, you feel a soft touch on your shoulder. you turn around and it’s none other than satoru. he cheekily smiles at you, but his cheerful expression quickly changes into a concerned, panicked one the second you start crying.

“…toru.” you sniffle as you start sobbing uncontrollably, hot tears begin to overflow out of your now red eyes like how water flows from an overfilled cup. he rests his hand on your cheek, his thumb caresses your skin delicately as he leans in. he presses feather like kisses on your face and eyes, gently kissing your salty tears away.

“why’s my baby cryin’? what’s wrong, love?” he questions, his tone is a mix of tenderness and concern. a worried look is shown in his ocean blue eyes, it pains him tremendously seeing your teary eyes and sad face, he simply can’t stand it.

you blink, eyelashes wet from crying so much. and you pause momentarily, hesitant to let the words come out of your mouth.

“i just… thought about you possibly.. leaving me alone and..” you utter in between your sniffles, lips slightly twitching. satoru doesn’t let you continue and cuts you off mid sentence.

what you don’t know is, satoru needs you far more than you need him. you're the only one who loves him for who he is as just an ordinary human and not the strongest, you allow him to be himself freely without any restrictions, he doesn't have to fake anything around you. and most importantly, you’re the one who’s introduced him to love, you’ve shown him what it’s like to truly love someone. so leaving you has never been an option to him. the thought has never crossed his mind, not even once.

"babe listen, ‘kay?” he speaks tenderly as he rests his other hand on your cheek, cupping your face in his big hands as he brings you closer to him. eyes pierced on one another, locked in an unwavering gaze, as if you're staring into one another's soul.

“no way i’m leavin’ you, not now, not ever. so don't think about that anymore, 'kay? we’re stuck together for life." he reassures you, the tone of his voice is so soft and sweet, yet affirmative and serious. he then slightly brushes his nose against yours and it tickles you a little before his hands let go of your face, only to pull you in his arms instead. your eyes widen for a split second before you rest your head gently against his broad, well toned chest. your hands grip the back of his shirt tightly, holding onto him for dear life as you steady yourself listening to his calming heartbeat. his slender fingers delicately run through your hair while pressing a series of quick, loving pecks on the top of your head.

he smiles the moment he feels you relax in his embrace. to satoru, you being in his arms as he feels your warmth against his skin is everything he’s ever needed. as long as you’re here with him, that’s more than enough for him, he doesn’t need anything or anyone else.

“i won’t let you go.” he whispers ever so softly against your ear, his voice rings in your ears like a sweet melody. and you hum quietly, smiling against his chest as your eyes slowly shut in relief. you let yourself trust him once more as his earnest words wash over the little doubts that have been there.

𝜗𝜚 taglist: @sylusdoll @stunies @itoshivy @hanaeriin @spkyssn @17020 @kalsplace

[wallflowergirl2006]

Forced Heat [Fem Chubby Bunny Reader] {Smut + Fluff}

Image from Pinterest by: Ti✦na

CW: Breeding

Not Proofread

You're a bunny hybrid, the last of your kind and through the time in imprisonment in this laboratory you were cautious of everything that did. The food they gave you, the stares, the tests. Everything freaked you out. It took a long while for you to get used to your new living conditions. The scientist in charge made sure to give you a habitat that suited to your needs instead of putting you in a cell since you were the last of your species so they made sure to take extra special care of you. So why did they think to pair you with a predator species that was the last thing you wanted and apparently he felt the same way. “Why am I paired up with this inferior creature?” The wolf hybrid snarled at the scientist. You could only frown at his harsh words. His words stung just because you were a prey species doesn’t mean you are less important than the predators. “We are trying to see if you two are compatible Matias. Don’t make this any harder than it has to be.” One of the scientists warned him. Matias huffs in annoyance as he stares at you.

He sits down on the opposite of you in the tiny cell they put both of you in. “So what’s special that they had to pair me up with a small and chubby thing like you?” Matias said as he scrutinized you harshly. “Beats me.. I don’t want to be here any more than you do so please can we get this done.” You tried extending an olive branch to him. “Fine but we somehow are compatible enough to be mates. I don't want to hear any complaints from you.” Matias said with harsh glare. “So what’s your name, little bunny?” “[Y/N], My name is [Y/N]..” You told him with an unreadable expression. “[Y/N]” He took a second to digest the information. “It seems to fit you nicely. Yeah, I like that name.” Matias said as his lips slightly twitched upwards. Your eyes raked over his body. He was fit and lean, he didn’t have too much muscle which was good but he also had a lot of scars. “I’m guessing you're a warrior? Judging from his scars.” You asked him with curiosity. His gaze seemed to harden once you spoke about his scars. Your eyes widen in slight panic from his reaction. Matias then let out a sigh. “Yes, I was one of the warriors of my clan. All my scars came from different battles.” He informed you. As he starts to ramble about his scars you choose to get closer to him. He continued to talk and talk until you made it to the other side and sat beside him.

You then grabbed his hand and when you did that seemed to grab his attention. You pressed soft kisses to his scarred hand. You could feel him tense up but he didn’t pull his hand away. A soft ding noise echoed through the room. The scientists then entered the room with clipboards in hand. “Congrats you two. You both are compatible to be mates.” One of the male scientists with a sly smirk. Matias wrapped an arm around your plush waist signaling the male scientist to watch his words. “Alright, I see you're already getting protective of her.” He said with a chuckle. “Alright, guards take them back to their rooms.” The other scientist called for the guards.As the guards escorted both you and Matias back to your room you gave him a small reassuring smile. He saw it and couldn’t help but smile back. 

As time went on the scientist found that you and Matias were the best fit for each well and mostly because once two hybrids mate they won’t be compatible with anyone else. So one day they decided to do a specific test only with you and not Matias. “It’s just some medicine [Y/N] relax.” The scientist said in a reassuring tone as she held up a syringe. Although it didn’t look like medicine, you'd rather obey than go without dinner again. So you lifted your arm and let them stick the needle inside of you. They injected  the “medicine” and it didn’t seem to take effect immediately you sighed thankfully. You were free to go back to your room but as you were escorted back to your room you couldn’t help but feel your body heat up.

Whatever they gave you it made you go into your heat faster than anticipated so you were humping anything you got your hands on.. Anything to make the aching feeling in your cunt go away but nothing seemed to be working.  You whined in pain as you humped the pillow that was drenched in your slick. “Get her mate, we have enough data and she looks like she needs him.” One of the scientists told the guards. Soon you heard the door to your habitat open and you saw your mate and he looked beyond worried. “Pumpkin, I’m so sorry.. Here let me help you.” Matias said as he unzipped his pants and freed his cock. He took the pillow away from you and flipped you onto your back. He positions you into a mating press as he aligns his cock into your dripping sex. He hissed as he pushed himself into you. You could only groan as you wrapped your legs around him to pull him in deeper. Once fully inside you he started at a slow pace but then gradually sped up. “Gonna give you some pups but first gotta take care of my baby.” He cooed as he kissed your soft plump cheek. “God my baby is so perfect..” Matias whined as he felt you clench around him. “Focus on my cock honey, focus on how it fills you nicely and perfectly.” He encouraged you as he thrusted roughly instead of you causing you to cry out in pleasure. The sound of other hybrids in contaminate cheered Matias on as he continued to help you with your forced heat cycle.

Matias feels you tighten around him, he bites back a groan and he thrusts one last time before he paints your walls white, he orgasm triggers your own and you moan out his name as you creamed around his knotted cock. You start to whine as you feel the base of his cock start to swell inside of you. ”I know.. I know sweetheart this is just to help you a little bit more.” He reassured you as he nuzzled his face into your face as he inhaled your sweet scent. Your body trembles as it slowly gets used to the stretch. After a few mins Matias’s knot swells down and he pulls out of you. You sighed in content as you felt his strong arms wrap around your chubby body. You felt him rub his hand over your chubby tummy. “Can’t wait to see your belly swell up with our pups.” He said affectionately as looked into your eyes. “I’ll protect you and our babies. I promise my love.” He said as he pressed his lips against yours. “I love you” He whispers against your lips.

Image from Pinterest by: Grafik Dizayn

[demonic0angel]

Everyone talking shit about Clockwork shoving time missions on the Phantoms. Nobody ever talks about how hard he works to keep space/time from collapsing in on itself from bad timelines.

(You’re right 😔 he needs some appreciation. I had a lot of fun with this one lmao)

Part 3 of this post and this post.

Clockwork resisted the urge to sigh as he watched another world implode via the timeline shifting from the speed force. He silently sent another note to his children workers to solve the problem. As he monitored the situation in other worlds, he kept an eye on the collapsing timeline.

Soon enough, Dan swooped in before the catalyst to beat the crap out of the person who had accidentally created a zombie apocalypse and then he was stomping his feet and throwing a rage-induced tantrum within the poor scientist’s lab, destroying everything. He was shouting and overturning tables, but couldn’t be heard through the time stream.

Clockwork resisted a sigh again. He didn’t like overworking his children employees so much either, but it had to be done.

Just as Dan left the world to rejoin his boyfriend, Clockwork continued to watch the other timelines. Three more worlds suddenly took a turn for the worst and Clockwork sent more messages to the rest of his children workers in order to fix it. He paused as the door to his lair opened and Dan burst inside.

Clockwork tried not to tense. Dan was his most volatile child employee, and he was prone to attacking anything that enraged him. Jazz had once explained that it was his coping mechanism as a decade of grief and loneliness had completely corrupted his impulse control.

Clockwork turned, pretending that he didn’t feel apprehensive about Dan’s presence. “Is there a problem…?”

Dan strode forward with a cool, almost indifferent expression. Without warning, Dan threw himself forward and onto Clockwork’s lap. Clockwork tensed, but Dan only held onto him tightly, wrapping his arms around his waist and then burying his face into his ghostly stomach.

The presence of his child someone near his stomach made him recoil tightly, but he held still.

“Clockworkkkkkk,” Dan whined. “Can’t I kill the Flashes? Please? Just one! I’ll settle for killing Wally West. Can I please kill him?”

Clockwork couldn’t help the chuckle that burst out of him. “No, you cannot. They are vital for that world’s survival.”

“They’re not vital to my sanity!”

The door burst open again and his other three children poured in, also having just finished fixing another world from collapsing. Dani immediately gasped at seeing Dan in his lap. “What! I want Clockwork cuddles too!”

The three of them joined their brother in crowding him and cuddling him, until eventually, he had all four of his children within his embrace. Clockwork released a sigh as he was forced onto his back and rubbed at Danny’s hair, who was lying on his spectral tail. Jazz leaned against him unhappily, and both Dani and Dan were laying on his stomach.

“I’m sorry for overworking you four,” Clockwork said, despite knowing that it wasn’t his fault. He had no one else to solve the problems of the Flash family, not when he was needed to watch over the time stream. “But it is necessary in order to help as many worlds as possible.”

“We don’t blame you,” Jazz said, ever the most empathetic, “it’s all of the Flashes’ faults!”

“I propose that we kill them and save us the headache!” Dan said.

Dani sighed, but also laughed. “Well, Bart is one of my best friends, but I guess he’ll have to go.”

Danny grinned and said, “Cool, I’ll take Flash.”

Clockwork smiled as his children (his wonderful, powerful, extraordinary children) started squabbling over how to kill or whether not to kill someone with the speed force. Work was difficult as someone who was devoted to protecting other timelines and worlds, but with his family by his side, life wasn’t too hard. In a way, Clockwork was almost grateful to be reborn as an Ancient.

Perhaps now, his family and existence wouldn’t end as tragically as before, with his children by his side.

[hesztia16]

My main problem with how the writers do the whole “no-kill rule” is that they don’t actually know how to write it in a way that doesn’t make it sound a bit ridiculous and honestly a little petty. They try to make it a moral argument, but make the villains so that it’s morally worse to let them live. There are so many different ways they could make Batman have his “no-kill rule” and still let the Joker die or keep him alive for reasons that actually make sense. And they really should decide already how they see his “no-kill rule”. Is he ok with letting people die even if he could have done something to prevent it? He did that many times. He has also killed many times before, or at the very least wanted to kill.

Pick one DC!

Also, I would like to point out that many, many people in this fandom seem to forget that killing is not an easy thing to do. Some of you are acting as if it’s perfectly inconsequential, even if it’s a monster like the Joker.

Because it’s not. It’s hard and it should be. I would personally not trust anyone to protect me or my loved ones, if they don’t so much as blink at the idea of taking a life. There’s a reason we call people who commit murder for fun, or even without emotion, psychopaths. It can break even the most mentally stable person who was more than justified in what they did.

“Oh, but that was a monster! They deserved to die!” Yeah, but the victims didn’t deserve the burden of taking a life!

I also saw a lot of people talking about therapy and I would like to ask those people what they think therapy is. Because it’s not some miraculous cure for something that could be against your whole personality on a fundamental level.

I hate the way Jason confronted Bruce for so many reasons. For one it’s a bit hypocritical. But mostly it’s because of how fucked up it actually was. And I haven’t seen people talk about it. Trying to force someone to commit murder? With the threat of his son whom he loved very much dying? AGAIN??? His trauma response isn’t valid because what? That’s not what YOU want???

discourse about batman's no-kill rule is so funny. imagine if a dude was like "i personally will not commit any murders and if any of my kids do i will be unhappy" and everyone booed him

[applecidersstuff]

Things different pjoverse characters had done/had happen to them, with little to no context:

Piper mistook Clarrise for a guy and thought ‘he’ was trying to hit on Drew(she’s 12).

Annabeth and Percy were laughing hysterically over it for 10 minutes straight before they could explain anything to her.

Clarrise and Will stole baby Chuck on multiple occasions.

Clarrise is a token ‘responsible adult in the eyes of most mortal parents of younger demigods.

Mortals with no connection to the supernatural look at her like she’s about to molest their kids and brutally murder their families.

All of the Argo || crew jump up in their seats whenever they hear Clarrise yelling at someone.

Percy and Annabeth did the same thing when they heard Coach Hedge yelling for the first time.

Will, Drew and Clarrise occasionally have true crime watching parties.

In the Myth!Ares AU, Aphrodite has kidnapped Clarrise, as she puts it ‘to bond’.

After that they ended up in jail.

Drew called Piper ‘Silena’ once, the same way you’d call someone ‘dad’ or ‘mom’ accidentally, she didn’t speak to her for a week and just cried because she couldn’t forgive herself for replacing her sister.

Clarrise’s smirk is - chin up, look down at you and smile while curling the sides of her mouth down

Drew’s smirk is - chin down, look up at you, grin and wrinkle her nose.

(I have no idea why you need this info, it’s just how i picture their dynamic.)

Ares and Athena cabins have an archive of everything they know about everyone at camp, that they use for planning of capture the flag.

They have a separate archive for hunters of Artemis.

Percy and Clarrise train together a lot. Percy says it’s because he wants to beat her up.

In actuality it’s because at this point Clarrise is the only person who can beat Percy in combat. And they’re the only people, they can train with, using their full range of abilities and power.

Clarrise threw what remained of her helmet into the attic of the Big House after the battle of Manhattan, she now wears none or on rare occasions takes one that belonged to Silena.

Silena’s helmet is covered with ornaments that she scratched onto it and filled in with silver.

Drew and Clarrise both say ‘don’t be mean’ whenever they hear the other talking to someone they have a tendency to be mean to.

Both of them picked that habit up from Silena.

Will once asked Clarrise and Drew to be ‘more ally’

Those two got offended that they ‘have to tone down their gay’

Will just wanted to introduce them to Nico, and needed them to look less judgmental so he wouldn’t think they’re homophonic.

Piper lashed out at Drew for doing something mean, while in Drew’s eyes it was her attempt to create a better relationship with her

[loganwritesprobably]

Nerves

From @jintaka-hane: Smoker/F!Reader fic, with marine doctor reader and Smoker being shy around her Tags/Warnings: Smoker/F!Reader, Doctor!Reader, sick!Smoker, vice admiral Smoker, fluff, pre-relationship Word Count: 996

Regardless of what many members of the public, and even members of his own unit believed about him, Smoker was not a man that stopped or lingered to pursue women. It just wasn’t in his nature. He didn’t have the time, nor the emotional bandwidth for it - he had duties to attend to and they mattered far more than whatever woman was throwing herself at him this time. That, and he was harbouring much deeper feelings for someone that he couldn’t bear to look another woman’s way. 

It was utterly humiliating, the way that you made him feel.

Whenever he had to see you, and at this point he only ever visited you when absolutely necessary, he felt like a teenager all over again. You were the primary doctor on his ship when they sailed, and tended to his men on base too, which meant you were always around somewhere even if he wasn’t standing there beside you. He was very aware of that fact, that he could be doing anything and you could just round the corner and then you’d be able to see him. Most viewed him as stoic, serious, a man to not be trifled with - he’d defeated the Warlord Sir Crocodile after all - but he couldn’t be any of those things around you. It all melted away to reveal the little boy beneath that, that wanted to give you flowers and gentle kisses. He didn’t have time for women, but he had all the time in the world for you. 

Recently, he’d been coming down with a little cold. It was truly nothing, just that being stationed on a winter island for several weeks had fucked with his immune system and now he was a little stuffed up. But his stuffed nose became a head cold, became almost flu-like. He didn’t often get sick, and so this was bothering him more than it might bother the average person. The coughing in particular was starting to truly get on his nerves - he couldn’t stop. He’d not done anything concerning like cough up blood, but Tashigi was beyond done with his complaining. “Sir! Go to the doctor if it’s bothering you so much.”

“It’s fine, it’ll clear up.” “Go to the doctor, or I’ll bring her to you.” Tashigi replied with a raised brow. She’d grown a lot in the last few years, but a consequence of that was she was now far more comfortable talking to him, and being disrespectful. She was a good friend. Her bringing you to him was more daunting than someone might expect - you were forgiving and gentle with everyone who came to visit, but if someone avoids seeing you and gets worse? Well, that’s when you became scary.

Before the end of the day, Smoker was shuffling toward your office, preferring to talk to you directly rather than heading to the med bay to see one of the nurses. He knocked softly on the door, listening out for your ‘come in’ before he opened the door. He found you behind your desk, pouring over some paperwork with a pen in hand that you softly tapped against the wood surface while you thought.

“Vice Admiral, how can I help you?” You asked without looking up, which surprised Smoker. You knew who it was even without looking - he wasn’t sure whether to be flattered or concerned.

“Doctor. I uhm, I’ve just had a small bout of sickness. Tashigi, she uh, told me to come down and see you. She’s tired of me uh coughing.”

“Tired of you complaining, you mean?” You replied, finally looking up at him with a small smirk and a mischievous glint in your eyes. That didn’t look good.

“I don’t.. I don’t know what you mean.” Smoker felt as heat rose in his face, colouring his cheeks with a soft pink, quickly withering under your intense gaze. There was a long moment between you where neither of you said anything, and then Smoker sat himself on the examination table unprompted, choosing not to fight that battle. 

The examination passed mostly in silence, with you doing all the checks and tests that you needed to do, and asking questions when you needed to, but otherwise he just let you work. Also, Smoker wasn’t sure that it would come out coherent if he did try to speak, considering how close you were to his body. Too close, almost. He could feel the heat coming from your body when you leaned in, checking his temperature and looking in his ears for signs of concerning infection.

“Well, it looks like you’re right, it is just an unfortunately stubborn cold. But, it didn’t hurt to check, that’s what I’m here for.” You told him, pulling off your rubber gloves and tossing them into the bin beside your desk. Smoker nodded and slipped from the examination table, now unsure of what to say next. You really did just take all his coherent thought away.

“Thanks.” He managed eventually, but he didn’t sound so sure about it. 

Another extended, awkward pause followed where you scribbled away in his medical file to make note of the appointment and what you’d found. Smoker stood, staring at you, wanting to talk to you but not knowing how or what to say. If he were a better man he’d ask-

“Do you want to go out with me?” You asked, taking the words right from him as if you could read his mind.

“What?”

“Next time we dock. I’m sure we can find a restaurant to eat at. If you’re interested, that is.” He was utterly dumfounded. First of all, you were interested? Second of all, asking you out was his job!

“Yeah. I.. yeah. Sounds good.” He agreed rather than questioning you or complaining. A date with you sounded more than good really, it sounded perfect. Plus, if he were to be realistic with himself, he never would’ve asked you first, he was far too nervous.

Tag List: @claryeverlarkf @uselessboots @cainnoable @categoryace @frillsinadress

If you'd like to tip me and get exclusive ficlets, Kofi

[b3ach-bunn7]

JAPANESE DENIM PT 2

The three days you spend in the castle before you wedding with Prince Satoru

Royal!AU, fluff, JJK

——————————————————————————

Your new temporary bedroom is so unlived in it makes you uncomfortable. You sleep on sheets that are too stiff and a blanket too big and woollen that heats you up impossibly every night. You’re to stay here for the three nights until your wedding, where you’ll then be sharing a room with your husband. You are not to see each other until then, some silly tradition you find yourself somewhat reluctant to follow. 

Your new lady in waiting, Nobara, tells you about the castle, the people, who runs the gossip mill. You feel overwhelmed as she takes you on a tour of the castle. You admire the large gardens, the extravagant rooms and corridors that look like experts from the fantasy books you spend your nights reading. The maids in the kitchen and the soldiers around the halls all bow to you, and you smile, skin prickling at all the attention.

Nobara, you realise quickly, is loud and talkative. You don’t think it’s necessarily normal for a lady in waiting to be so full of energy, but she’s young, and the casual way she talks to you is a welcome thing. She feels more like a friend as she chats to you about her two knight friends, the two boys you’d seen at the ball. She’s far enough in age to you that you feel a little sisterly to her.

You thank the setting of the sun, tired of greeting and meeting so many new people. You’re about to get in bed. You’re wearing a too short and too sheer nightgown, lacy pink material that fluffs up around your legs. It twirls as you move, and you like the feeling of the material on your skin. It cuts right at your mid thigh, and it feels like a lot to wear to bed. But Nobara had left it on your bed, and you felt too bad to say anything about it, considering her excitement at your new wardrobe. You pull back the covers of your bed, thick and warm, and are just about to step in.

And then somebody knocks on your door.

Once, and then twice, and then they just keep knocking until you get up, flinging the door open. You assume it’s Nobara, because who else would be so brave to knock on your door like that, and so late at night. 

Satoru. That’s who. 

“What- Satoru, what are you doing, we are not supposed to see each other until the wedding!” You splutter, pulling him into your room before anyone else sees him.

He doesn’t speak though. You look at him confused and wave a hand in his face.

“Hello?” 

But it’s like he’s somewhere else. And it’s then, when a particularly strong breeze comes in from your open window, that you remember what you’re wearing, and you finally notice the red that dusts Satoru’s cheeks and your eyes widen.

“Oh my- Look away!” You hiss, rushing to your bed to grab a sheet to cover yourself.

Satoru turns quickly. “I’m sorry, I assumed you would be decent when I knocked!”

“Knocked? You practically broke my door down. What is it you want?” You huff, now covered.

“Well, I wanted-“

“You can turn around now.”

He does. He pouts a little at your new outfit.

“Shame. I liked your little nightgown.” 

“You have about five seconds before I call someone to escort you out of here.”

“Alright, alright.” He holds his hands up in surrender. “I just want to talk.” Satoru says.

You frown slightly. “Talk about what?”

He drops his hands and gestures at your bed. “Can you sit? And calm down? I can feel how tense you are from here.”

You let your shoulders fall. You suppose nobody will walk into your room. And he’s the prince, after all. Not much can be done to punish him. 

So you relent, and listen. He sits himself on your bed as well, shamelessly crossing his long legs, completely ignoring how inappropriate even being in the same room as you, let alone bed, is. You don’t protest as much as you should, only bring your covers up to hide the expanse of your legs your short nightdress reveals. His eyes dart down at the movement and he smiles.

“Why are you here, Satoru?” You ask.

“You see, the benefit to you not knowing who I was yesterday is that you spilled your pretty little heart out to me.”

Your nose wrinkles. “I don’t think that’s entirely true.”

“But it is. You are scared because you know nothing about me, and you are scared I’m a hideous troll. That is what you said to me yesterday. And now, we can at least check one of those off the list.”

He leans forward just that bit closer, forearms resting on his knees. White eyelashes flutter as blinks innocently. “Am I hideous, Y/N?”

God, you wish he was. That might make keeping a safe distance from him easier. But when he looks at you like this, like he wants you in a way no man ever has, you have to look away.

“No. I suppose not.”

He smirks. “I’ll take it.” 

Satoru sits back a bit and you remember how to breathe.

“So. What else would you like to know about me?”

“You snuck into my room so that we can do trivia on Satoru Gojo?” 

“The best kind. Come on, ask me something and I’ll ask you the same back.”

You sigh, relenting, ignoring how cute he looks when he cheers quietly.

“Okay. If you could have any superpower what would you pick?”

Satoru barks a laugh. “Y/N, I meant questions to get to know me. Like, my favourite colour or something.”

“This is getting to know you! Respond, if you don’t mind.”

“That- Okay. Fine. I’d have… Telekinesis.” 

You wrinkle your nose and he furrows his brows at your reaction. “What?”

“Nothing.” You say.

“Well, it is clearly something. Is my answer not good enough for you?”

You giggle. “No, it is perfectly fine! Just surprised me. I thought you’d say something like. Super strength.”

He tilts his head. “And why’s that?” 

“Most men do. Something about power and their over inflated egos.”

His mouth gaped. “My ego is perfectly inflated, thank you very much.” You just grin, shrugging.

And the two of you sit like that, for entirely too long. The questions are all innocent to begin with. Your favourite colour, your favourite food. What you hate most about the balls you always attend. And then, little by little, you get closer. Not just physically, because his hand is now toying with the edge of your duvet, but you feel like you know him more. It’s not by a lot, but. It’s better than before.

“What are you most scared of? About our marriage?” Satoru’s voice is soft as he speaks. The light of your candle flickers across his face, and you wonder how long you can keep him here like this, the flame lighting his eyes up perfectly.

“Losing my freedom.” 

You don’t feel scared to say the words like you’re sure you’d feel around any other man. It’s no secret that as a woman, your life stops being about you once you’re wed, and more about how you can serve your husband, your future kids. 

“What do you mean?”

You smile bitterly. You didn’t expect him to know, but it still stings a little that he doesn’t.

“I knew I’d never get to rule my kingdom. It will most likely be any sons I have, never me. But. I could still do what I could, help my father however he’d let me. Now, though. I am too far from home to be of any help. And I do not have a role in this land, and I respect that.”

You look down at your sheets. Your fingers trail along the embroidered designs idly.

“It is just difficult to come to terms with the fact that it is now officially over. That all I am is a wife, a mother.” 

Satoru sighs heavily. His fingers reach forward and intertwine with yours. 

“You are not just a wife to me, and you never will be. If you wish to have some authority, some duty, I will make that happen. If not now, then when I am king.”

You look up at him. And his face is deathly serious, in a way you’ve not really seen on him before. He looks at you earnestly and you feel your throat tighten.

“You would do that for me?” You don’t need to say how unspoken such an attitude is.

“I would do anything for you, Y/N.”

After that, the topics get much lighter. Satoru’s fingers stay clasping yours and you let them. The night grows later and the candle on your bedside table burns smaller and smaller. It’s when it gets this late, that you’re yawning and blinking at him lazily, Satoru’s tongue gets looser, and his questions curb something dangerous.

“So. Have you ever kissed anyone before?”

“Satoru!”

“What?”

You shake your head. “That’s hardly appropriate.”

“And why not? You’re to be my wife soon, no? Can’t we talk about such topics?” 

You can feel the heat on your face and you know he can see it. You roll your eyes. “Okay. Fine.” 

You adjust your position, lifting up the sleeve of your nightdress where it was slipping. “I have. Once.”

And the expression on his face twists .immediately into what you think is jealousy. 

“You’ve what?”

You laugh slightly. “I’ve kissed one boy.”

He frowns. “Who?”

“Aw. Are you jealous?” You grin.

“Well, yes. Of course I am! Your first kiss is supposed to be with me.” 

“It is not that big of a deal, Satoru. He was nobody important, and I do not even remember his name. And I was young, too. Thirteen, I believe.”

He grumbles, and you laugh at the pout on his face. “Cheer up, Prince. It is not like you have never kissed anyone before.”

The tips of his ears redden and it suddenly makes sense why he’s so bothered. You coo and he scoffs, waving you off. 

“Enough.”

“Aw, it’s okay, Satoru. Does this mean I’ll be your first kiss?”

“Yes. And some random boy will be yours.” He huffs, crossing his arms.

“Don’t pout. You’ll be my first in- In other things.” You say.

And how quickly his pout disappears and is replaced with a smirk, one that threatens something with the way he looks at you. He moves closer to you.

“You can say the word you know.” 

“I know.”

He smiles. “Say it then.”

You scoff. “No. I- No.”

His smirk darkens and he leans closer. “You scared?”

You narrow your eyes at him. “No.” 

“Are you excited?” 

“I- Satoru. I don’t-“

“I am.” 

The admission comes easily as if it means nothing. His words fluster you and you laugh nervously. He just watches you, hands slowly sliding out your lap to rest on your thigh. It’s over the duvet, but still, the promise behind them has you swallowing roughly.

“You looked beautiful last night. In that dress. You look beautiful right now.” 

His hand reaches up, moving the sleeve that has slipped down your shoulder again back up. His fingers smooth over the soft silk and you let it. He’s touched you before, grabbed your hands and toyed with them, but this feels so different. There’s a tension in the room you cannot quite place. You can’t judge the way Satoru’s eyes dip down to your lips because you know you’re doing the same thing.

“I know I have to be patient. And I will be.” His voice has dropped an octave lower, something husky and dangerous.

“But you are making it very difficult for me. Dressed like that. Looking how you do.” 

“It’s just a nightgown, Satoru.” Your words come out more desperate than you intend.

“Hm. What I saw when I walked in leaves little to the imagination.” 

You laugh slightly, nervous and excited. “I’m excited, too. Just scared as well.”

His eyes frown before his lips do. “Don’t be. I’ll make it good for you, I promise.”

Something coils in your stomach and you shift your legs. “I- I think it is time you leave. I am tired, and it is late.” 

He nods, understanding. His hand drops from your shoulder and he smiles.

“I will see you tomorrow.”

You snort a laugh. “You really should not. It is against the rules.”

“You will learn I am not one for following them.”

The next day Satoru does not come creeping into your room because you see him during the day. You and Nobara are walking in the courtyard, the sun setting over your skin, when you hear yells and then a loud thud. You turn a corner, past the large detailed stone walls and see Satoru, clutching his sides and laughing at two boys on the floor. They’re all stood on what you think is a makeshift battleground, and your memory tells you that this is the practise grounds Nobara had mentioned yesterday. While the two boys look familiar, you pay them no mind as you can’t stop staring at Satoru. He’s got a sword in his hand and he’s wearing a white button up with the sleeves rolled up his forearms, and his hair sticks to his forehead, sweat glistening on his skin. 

“Aw, look at the future bride ogling her husband.” Nobara coos.

You tut. “Enough of that. I was simply looking. At all three of them.”

“Whatever you say, princess. It’s about time you met them. Let us go.” 

She bounds forward and the boys perk up at the sight of her. They wrap her in a hug and she groans, trying to shove them off. She finally breaks free, dusting off her dress.

“You two reek, get off me.” She sniffs, turning her head.

Satoru notices you standing to the side, and he immediately runs up to greet you. He beams as you focus your attention to him.

“Afternoon, princess.”

“Afternoon, prince.”

He grins. He rubs his brow with the back of his hand. “So. What brings you here?”

You nod your head towards Nobara. “She was taking me on a walk and we ended up here.” You watch the three of them talking, a small smile gracing your lips. “They’re sweet.”

Satoru rolls his eyes. “What they are is lazy. Haven’t been training hard enough.” 

Satoru speaks loud enough that the two boys hear and start scowling, immediately stopping their animated conversation with Nobara to argue.

“No fair! You’re so hard on us, Sensei.” The pink haired boy pouts.

Your eyebrows raise at the name. “Sensei? You teach these boys?” You ask.

Satoru nods, and you can see the pride on his face he’s trying to hide. “I’m the best in this kingdom! Only makes sense I teach our future, no?”

The sound of your voice seems to alert the two boys of your presence. They quickly straighten out, bowing. It’s been two days of this and you still have no idea how to react.

“Your majesty! It’s lovely to meet you.” One of them, the one you’ve learnt is called Yuji, grins.

“Please, call me Y/N. And it’s lovely to meet you both!” You reply.

“Well, Y/N, are you going to marry-“

“Do not actually call her by her name, you fool. It’s disrespectful.” The other one, Megumi, scoffs, shoving Yujis shoulder.

“She just told me to!”

“No, Megumi is right, it is disrespectful. She’s  just weird like that.” Nobara chimes in.

Yuji gasps. “You can’t call a princess weird!”

“It is quite alright. I've done it before.”

Yuji shakes his head in shame. “I hope she hangs you for your attitude.”

Megumi snorts a laugh. “About time somebody did.”

Satoru rolls his eyes as they start bickering. He pulls you to the side, hand curling easily around your elbow. He gives you and the dress Nobara had picked and excitedly told you was worth more than she got paid in a month a once over.

“You look gorgeous this morning.” He says, hand still lingering on your arm.

You smile. “Thank you. As do you.”

“Really?”

You nod. “The dishevelled look is doing you wonders.”

He barks a laugh, running a hand through his hair. “I’m in dire need of a shower. Training them takes it out of me.”

You look back at the boys. “Can I see?”

Satoru pauses for a moment, hand still trying to fix his mussed hair. His sword is still in his other hand, and you watch with keen interest as his fingers tighten around the hilt. 

“You want to see me fight?” He questions.

You fluster a bit at the way he’s looking at you, the knowing tease in his eyes. “Yes. I want to see if my future husband is adept.”

“I’m much more than adept.”

“Then there should be no issue.”

He sighs, his grin back with more fevour. “I love your attitude, do you know that?”

“That is why you are marrying me, no?” 

He laughs. “Okay, enough. Now watch.”

Satoru walks towards the boys. You laugh at the disgruntled expression on their face when he ushers them to the centre of the field. Yuji passes Megumi his fallen sword and you gesture Nobara to come stand with you. She walks over, looking slightly lost.

“They told me they were done training for today.”

“Yes, I think this is my fault. I want to see him in action.”

Nobara looks at your knowingly. “Sure.”

“Hush now. Look.”

Satoru gives them a second before he goes at them. It’s like art, watching Satoru move. The two boys are good, you can tell with how easily they swing their swords, the practised way they dodge attacks. But Satoru, he is a marvel. You watch as the lines of muscles in his arm ripple as he brings his sword down, the amount of strength behind each hit rattling the metal. You know he’s just showing off for you, but you don’t care. He fights off the two of them easily, barely breaking a sweat as he slides and dodges their hits. He even has the nerve to send you a cheeky wink and you smile despite yourself.

The match ends quickly, the two knights swords on the floor once Satoru easily unarms them. You clap excitedly and he bows. The two boys grumble to themselves, dusting dirt off their tunics once more.

“You’re supposed to go easy on us.” Yujii huffs, retrieving their swords from the floor.

“How will you learn if I go easy on you?” Satoru puts his hands on his hips and catches his breath.

Megumi rolls his eyes. “You’re just trying to impress the princess.”

Satoru softens slightly at Megumi, and he practically coos at him. “Aww, don’t be sad, Megumi! You did a great job.” 

Megumi just rolls his eyes again. The two boys bid you goodbye, and you tell Nobara to go with them.

“Alright. I will come meet you in your room once you are finished speaking to the prince.” She curtsies quickly before rushing off to catch up with the others.

You turn to Satoru to find him already looking at you. The sword is back in the scabbard on his waist, and he crosses his arms. His biceps look even bigger under his shirt as he does so and you avert your gaze before he notices your staring.

“So. How was I?”

“You were amazing! I know your ego is quite big already, but. I suppose it’s justified. You were quite incredible, fighting like that.”

Satoru grins something proud and satisfied, ignoring your little dig at his ego. He steps forward slightly and he smells like sweat and the outdoors. 

“I am glad I could impress you so, princess.” He says.

“How long have you been fighting for?”

Satoru thinks for a moment. “Since I was very young. My father taught me, and I trained as hard as I could until I was the best around.” 

“That is quite admirable. It’s obvious with how easily you can move around.”

Satoru nods. “I like teaching the young ones. I-“ Satoru pauses slightly. His face turns to something a little more vulnerable, and he doesn’t make much eye contact with you when he continues.

“My father is a good man, but. His teachings were not the greatest. I hated fighting and training and the idea of it all. It is better now, of course. I just do not want the younger generation to go through what I did.”

You know you shouldn’t, but your hand reaches forward and grabs his. He looks back at you and you give him a smile.

“You are a good man, Satoru. And it is doing wonders for those kids, believe me. I can see from only speaking to them once.”

Satoru softens slightly. He sighs, like a little weight has been relieved from his shoulders.

“I am not sure what I did to deserve you.”

“Something good, I imagine.”

If Satoru’s last day before the wedding has been anything like yours, hectic and so busy, you’re sure he had no time to do so.

The day is spent drifting from room to room. You pick out a bouquet of flowers from too many options. You stand as straight as possible and suck in as much as you can so that they can stuff you in a corset and dress that you’re scared to even move it. It’s layers of soft, white fabric, shining gems sewn into the neckline and all down the front. It shimmers as it catches onto the light form the big open windows. You smooth your hand over the soft material. Nobara stands to the side, and while she keeps silent in the presence of the tailor and other maids, you can see the excitement on her face. 

When you catch sight of yourself in the mirror on the other end of the room you pause. You look older. Maybe it's the white, or maybe it's the fact you’ll be a Gojo in hours, but something feels different. You aren’t sure how you feel. You try not to think about it too much because you can't decipher what's excitement and what's fear.

Your tailor, Nanako, smiles at you. “Nervous?”

You nod slightly as her assistant, Mimiko, adjusts your bodice. “Yes. A little.”

“You have nothing to worry about. Of all the princes I’ve made suits for, Prince Satoru is the nicest.” Nanako says. She kneels down to fix the trail of your dress.

“Really?” Mimiko nods.

“Mhm. He’s very nice. And he is very attractive, too.”

“Mimiko! That is her husband.”

“I am just being reassuring!”

The best part of your day is definitely the time you spend in the kitchens. The smell hits you the second you walk in, and the different foods are all spread out across the tables for you to try. There's duck and chicken and lamb, desserts like tarts and cheesecakes all waiting for you to try.  You smile for the first time all day. The head chef, a man with pink hair oddly similar to Yuji, looks at you from across the table. The room is large, stoves and ovens lining the walls. You glance to your left and see the room you assume is full of food. The kitchen is surprisingly empty other than the man, and he bows when you and Nobara fully walk in.

“Princess. We’ve arranged a series of hors d'oeuvres, mains and desserts for you to try. The cake has already been chosen by the prince, and we’ve left a sample for you there.” He gestures to the slice of cake and you beam.

“Thank you. My name is Y/N. And yours?”

He raises a brow at your introduction. “Sukuna.”

“It is nice to meet you.” Sukuna smirks slightly at your cheery attitude. He gestures to the chair in front of you and Nobara pulls it out for you and you sit.

“And you.” He says.

He leans against the counter and crosses his arms. Nobara stands besides you.

“So. Where shall we start?”

“You can begin with the hors d'oeuvres.”

As you try the food, he explains each dish, where all the ingredients are sourced. Sukuna lights up slightly when he begins talking, and you can tell he cares about what he does. Nobara told you on the way over that he was the best chef in the kingdom, and the taste of the food tells you as much. 

“This is amazing! And you made all these recipes yourself?”

He nods, standing a bit taller. “I have help, of course, but these were all made by me and my sous chefs. The rest of the workers will be available on the wedding night to make sure everything gets out on time.”

“I love it all. You are very talented, Sukuna.”

He bows his head. “Thank you, Princess.”

You gesture Nobara to come try some of your food. “Come, help me decide between these two.”

You spend the next few minutes getting through the food. You chat with Sukuna, and he tells you that Yujii is his brother, his younger one at that. Sukuna used to be a knight too, but after a bad fight his leg was injured too badly for him to fight again. But, his loyalty to the royal family was not forgotten, which is why after discovering he could actually cook very well, he’d become their Chef.

“Do you miss fighting?” You ask.

He shrugs. “Of course. It’s exhilarating stuff, but. It cannot be helped. I enjoy cooking and I’m good at it. Not much to complain about.”

You nod. 

“That makes sense. I- Ow!” You wince as something sharp scratches your gums.

“Is everything okay, Princess?” Nobara asks, turning to you quickly.

“Yeah, I just- There’s.” 

You turn your head quickly, and try to pull out whatever is in your mouth as dignified as you can. When your hand comes up, the three of you all look at the piece of crab shell in your hand.

“What the hell is that?” Sukuna furrows his brow.

“Hey! Watch your language.” Nobara chides.

Sukuna doesn’t listen. He reaches forward and grabs it out of your hand. He looks pissed. Before you can even say anything he’s storming off into that room in the back. You and Nobara both peer inside.

“Where is he going?” You ask.

Nobara shrugs. “I’m not sure. He looks angry, though.”

“I know. I am a little-“

“What the fuck is this!” Sukuna suddenly yells.

You both jump at his voice. You both lean over and peer through the door to see him yelling at two men you assume are his sous chefs. They hold their heads down and Nobara giggles next to you.

“They look like their teacher’s telling them off.” She whispers.

You wave your hand at her. “Shh, I want to hear.”

He holds up the small piece of shell in their faces. “Look! The Princess could have choked on this, and then what? We’d all be hanged because you dumbasses didn’t check the crab properly.

“I thought-”

Sukuna holds up a hand and it’s enough to silence the one who tries to speak.

“There’s no excuse for it.” Sukuna shakes his head. “You, you. Fuck off! Get out my face.”

The two men walk out and you and Nobara quickly straighten up as Sukuna comes back into the room. He bows deeply. You elbow Nobara as she stifles a laugh.

“I am deeply sorry, Princess. Please excuse my sous chefs, they will be properly dealt with later.”

You do not want to know what that means. You laugh slightly, gesturing for him to stand. “Please, do not worry, it was only an accident.”

“An accident they shouldn’t have happened.” He sighs.

You smile. “It’s okay, I am sure it will be remedied for tomorrow night.”

Sukuna just looks at you. He studies you for a moment.

“I’ve catered quite a few meetings between the Prince and his potential wives. I am quite glad he picked you. Most of the others were insufferable.”

You snort a laugh before covering your mouth, face flushing in embarrassment. “Apologies. That was not very ladylike of me.”

Sukuna smirks slightly. “Your secret is safe with me.”’

The day ends quicker than you think. You find yourself sitting in your room, trying to fool yourself into thinking you’re not up waiting for Satoru. That and the fact that you think the nerves are going to eat you alive.

You perk up slightly at the quick knock at your door. You get up, this time wearing a robe to cover yourself, and usher Satoru in.

“Aw. No nightgown today?”

You smack the side of his shoulder and he grins. “I missed you.”

“It has only been a day, Satoru.”

“A day too long.”

You both sit on your bed. You look out your window, at the bright moon in the sky and the expanse of the garden you can see from where you’re sitting. You feel Satoru’s hand clasp yours and you look at him. His brows are pinched with worry, and it’s weird seeing his lips turned down in a small frown.

“Are you alright?”

You breathe in deeply. “Do I not seem alright?”

“You look tired. A little troubled.” Satoru inches a little closer.

“Hm. It has been a long day.”

He sighs. “Tell me about it. You’ve been preparing for the wedding too?”

You nod. “I feel bad complaining. I have people waiting on me hand and foot, but. It is a lot.”

“You are allowed to be tired, you know.”

Satoru is looking at you so tenderly. It’s weird, you know it is, how much you feel for him in such little time. You’ve known him for four days only. Spoke to him on four separate occasions and yet you can’t help but be excited that you’ll be spending the rest of your life with him.

Of all the suitors your parents had entertained, he was by far the most attractive, but also the kindest. He seemed like a good person from what you’d seen and you knew that he’d make a good King when the time came. He had good money, good people. Your lady in waiting, the chefs, his family. You were lucky. Luckier than a lot of girls like you.

And you still felt like you deserved none of it.

There was a princess out there made for this sort of life. Not you. Sometimes you think you would’ve been better as a peasant.

Satoru’s fingers stroke over your hand. “Tell me what is wrong.”

His voice is so careful and caring that you feel tears threaten behind your eyelids. You sigh shakily.

“I just. It’s a lot. It’s so much. Sometimes I feel like it should not be me. That there is someone more deserving of this.”

Satoru’s frown deepens. “Do not say that.”

“But it is how I feel. I- I am trying to ignore it, but I am so nervous.”

Satoru moves closer to you. He smells fresh, like he’s just showered, and you notice some curls in his hair are still damp. 

“You think I do not feel the same? That I’m not scared I won’t be a good husband?”

It’s your turn to be confused. “What? Why would you think that?”

“Why would I not? It’s my job to protect you. Keep you safe. Make sure you’re happy, make sure everything is perfect for you. And I know how adverse you are to this all. Which makes me even more scared.” 

Your heart pangs with guilt at the look on his face. He looks so worried. You grasp his hand properly.

“No. No, I am not. Not anymore. Now that it’s you.”

His lips part like he wants to say something. But he doesn’t. Just looks at you.

“You- You changed my mind. I do not know how, and I do not know why so quickly but. That is not why I am scared.”

You turn away. Your words feel too vulnerable to say right to his face. 

“I want to be good for you, Satoru. I want to be a good wife. You deserve it. And I am frightened I cannot give it to you.”

Fingers curve under you chin. They turn your head so that your facing him, and the worry is replaced with something so lovely you want to look away again.

“It’s okay. We are supposed to be scared. I’d be more worried if you were not.”

You laugh wetly, and he swipes under your eyes at the tears that fall. 

“Don’t cry, princess.” He whispers.

“You are too kind. I can’t help it.”

“Would you like me to be mean?” 

You hum thoughtfully. “Maybe save that for after the wedding.”

The tips of his ears redden and his grip on your face tightens slightly.

“God, the flilth that comes out of that mouth.” He scolds, but you know it holds no mirth.

His hand drops from your face into your lap. You wonder how shocked your mother would be if she saw you two sitting this close before marriage.

“How do you even manage to sneak in here every night?”

Satoru grins. “My valet is very kind. Very susceptible to persuasion.”

You giggle. “I could say the same for Nobara. She hasn’t said a word.”

Satoru rolls his eyes. “You and I both know that girl is running to Yujii and Megumi every night. Would explain their giggling during training.”

You brain trails back to the two of them before, when Satoru was training them. Even then you remember the slight fondness he held for Megumi.

“Megumi. He is your favourite, correct?” 

Satoru winces, rubbing a hand on his head. “Am I that obvious?”

“Only slightly. I have a good eye.”

He sighs, nodding. He moves himself until he’s sitting beside you, and not in front. His shoulder is warm as it hits yours and you both lean against your headrest.

“Yes. I’ve known him since he was a child. His father was killed in a battle, and so I’ve took to checking up on him and his sister all their lives. Once he was old enough he joined the forces.”

As if he couldn’t get any better.

“That’s so kind. He seems like a good boy.”

Satoru hums in agreement. “He is. They both are, really.” 

Satoru stretches. His sleep pants stretch over muscled thighs and you look away quickly. 

“I met your tailors. And your chef.”

“Oh, Sukuna? He is very good at what he does.”

“Mhm. One of his sous chefs made a mistake and he tore into them. It was very funny.”

Satoru snorts. “He’s passionate. It is what makes his cooking so much better.”

You sigh. The darkness from outside tells you it’s late, and the way your eyes droop shut are tell enough that your tried. Satoru is telling you a story about something, and you’re too tired to pay enough attention. You let your eyes shut and you lean on his shoulder.

“You falling asleep on me?” Satoru mumbles.

“Mhm. No. Keep talking. M’listening.”

He chuckles. “Alright. Good night, Y/N.”

“Goodnight, Satoru.”

————————————————-—————————

I had a vision of Gordon Ramsey x Sukuna and that vision had to be realised

I acc have nooooo idea how to write a wedding part 😅 but thsi was so super fun to write! I love royal aus even tho I’m sure these ar won’t factually accurate

I hope u enjoyed!

[fanfictionismyaddiction]

Hey!!! I just got the most amazing idea ever!! (probably 🤭) I know that Franco had just lose his grandfather and he had to do FP. And basically everyone (the media & paparazzi just decide to hustle him despite him clearly not wanting to talk or do anything for them. Which is why he wears headphones and cap). So this is more of James with a wife reader. She is practically comforted and was with him since she always does that to everyone. Franco was just so young and she wanted to cocoon him in her warmth. From having bad weather to that awful FP which he crashed and later Alex did the same🙃🙃 Everyone especially the mechanics had to double their work because race starts in like 3 hours after quali. And how can they fix two cars in just that shirt period of time??? Being able to fix one was a miracle, but fixing two? They need to call everyone at the factory it seems😮‍💨😮‍💨 And then Alex not starting the race and Franco struggle in the rain because Williams didn't want to put wet tyres and then later crashed making the stewards flagging the race as red. You know, just a shitty day at the office. Williams out of the race:(( Everyone frustrated, tension arises, more work to do with how the race turns out to be. James admired her about that. Keeping calm, composure and bringing in warmth to everyone at the paddock (maybe interactions with drivers). This is the longest I've ever sent you, so it's up to you how it goes. I trust you. Can be anything you want. Fluff or angst or suggestive. Can be one shot or series. Anything. Just a whole lot of thank you for everything you've ever done for me!!! ❤️❤️❤️ Tag me later!! If you have any questions, just ask me!! I'll be happy to help. Thanks!!! :))

Rain, Resolve, and Resilience

word count. 1.2k

Pairing: James Vowles x reader

AN: Thank you so much for your application i really need that.

______________________________________________________________

The Williams paddock was a storm of activity that mirrored the turbulent clouds overhead. Rain battered the track, but it was nothing compared to the emotional storm inside. Franco, one of the team’s youngest drivers, had only recently lost his grandfather, the man who had nurtured his passion for racing from the start. Now, Franco was expected to push through that grief and focus on practice, even as his heart was heavy. The cameras followed his every step, journalists crowding in with pointed questions, ignoring the lines of grief etched into his face. He pulled his cap down low, headphones covering his ears in an attempt to escape, but it was all too much.

Y/n, the beloved wife of team principal James Vowles, saw it all unfold from the edge of the garage. She had spent countless hours at James's side, becoming a quiet pillar for the team in a way only she could. Mechanics and engineers knew they could go to her if the pressure became too much; her presence alone had a grounding, calming effect on everyone. Today, seeing Franco, barely more than a boy, desperately trying to hold himself together as he faced the cameras alone, broke her heart.

She moved toward him gently, slipping past the reporters who still tried to shout questions his way, and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. “Franco,” she said, her voice calm, almost a whisper. “You don’t have to go through this alone. I’m here.”

Franco’s shoulders relaxed ever so slightly. He managed a grateful smile, his voice barely audible when he replied, “Thank you, Y/n.” He didn’t say more, but she could see the relief in his eyes. Knowing he wasn’t alone in that moment meant everything.

The rain was relentless, and as the team prepared for the practice session, the paddock was tense. Y/n stayed close, keeping an eye on Franco as he prepared to take to the track. She felt protective, wanting to shield him from all the hurt and stress he was carrying. With a deep breath, he climbed into the car, and she watched, fingers crossed, hoping he could find some solace in the race. But as the rain poured harder, the slick track proved unforgiving. Franco’s car spun out on a turn, and he crashed, the impact sending a chill through the paddock. Minutes later, Alex followed, a sickening repeat that left the team reeling.

The Williams garage erupted into controlled chaos. With less than three hours to go before qualifying, both cars were in dire need of repair. Mechanics dashed back and forth, voices rising as they shared updates over radios and called for parts. It felt like an impossible task; fixing one car was a miracle on its own, but two? Every hand was needed, and the tension among the crew was palpable.

In the midst of it all, Y/n was a steady, calm presence, moving through the garage like a breath of fresh air. She approached a young mechanic, shoulders slumped as he stared down at a particularly stubborn part. He rubbed his forehead in frustration, looking close to defeat.

“Take a second,” Y/n said softly, her hand resting gently on his shoulder. “You’re doing amazing. We’ll get there, piece by piece.”

The mechanic glanced at her, finding comfort in her reassuring smile. “Thanks, Y/n,” he murmured, his spirits lifting. She continued to move through the garage, offering words of encouragement to others, giving each team member the strength to push on.

James glanced over at his wife between giving orders, his admiration shining in his eyes. She had a gift, a way of making people feel seen and valued, even when everything felt impossible. He’d often find her in these moments, quietly lifting the spirits of those around her, giving them strength without ever drawing attention to herself. She was the backbone of the team in ways that only he could see.

Back in a quieter corner of the garage, Franco sat alone, hands in his hair as he replayed the crash in his mind. He looked up as Y/n approached, her presence bringing a hint of calm to the chaos within him.

“Do you want to take a little walk?” she asked gently, nodding toward a nearby corridor away from the noise. Franco nodded, grateful for the escape, and they stepped outside into the cooler air.

As they walked, she spoke quietly, her words laced with compassion. “You know, you don’t have to keep this all bottled up. Losing someone you love…it doesn’t go away just because you’re expected to race.” Her tone was soft, non-judgmental, offering him a safe space to express the grief he’d been carrying alone.

Franco took a shaky breath, the weight of the loss settling in his chest. “I just… I wish he was here to see me race,” he admitted, his voice catching. “He taught me everything, and now…” He trailed off, struggling to find the words.

Y/n placed a comforting hand on his back, offering him a moment of silent support. “I think he’d be incredibly proud of you, Franco. You’re out here, giving it everything despite how hard things are. That takes strength,” she said, giving his shoulder a gentle squeeze.

When they returned to the paddock, Franco looked a bit lighter. The time away with Y/n had given him a bit of the peace he needed to keep going.

The rain returned with a vengeance on race day, and the paddock was alive with tension once more. Only Franco’s car had been fully repaired, and the knowledge that Alex wouldn’t be able to start weighed heavily on the team. Despite the pressure, Y/n stayed close, her comforting presence a balm to the team’s frayed nerves.

As Franco took to the track again, Y/n stayed by the garage monitors, her hands clasped tightly as she watched him navigate the rain-soaked circuit. But the track was treacherous, and the decision not to put on wet tires soon proved costly. Franco’s car began to slide, the wet track claiming another victim as he fought to regain control. Y/n’s heart sank as she watched him crash once more, the red flags raised as the race was halted.

The team was devastated. The loss of both cars cast a shadow over the weekend, leaving everyone drained and disheartened. In the paddock, frustration was written across every face, the team grappling with the weight of another painful blow. For many, the temptation to give up felt stronger than ever.

But Y/n, ever the steady presence, moved through the crowd, her calm energy pulling everyone back to center. She listened as mechanics vented their frustrations, offering a word of comfort or a quiet hug to those who needed it most. For the younger team members, she was a constant, a familiar warmth that reminded them they weren’t alone in their struggles.

When James finally made his way over, exhaustion etched into every line of his face, he found Y/n beside Franco once more. The young driver looked up at her, his gratitude clear even in his exhaustion. James watched, his admiration for his wife growing with each passing moment. She was the heart of the Williams family, the one who kept them all grounded when the pressures of racing felt too much to bear.

Y/n looked up at James, catching his gaze with a soft smile that seemed to ease his worries. “We’ll get through this,” she said, as much a promise as a reassurance.

[wen-kexing-apologist]

LITBC Ep. 7-8: Gotta Love an Adaptation

Chiming in from @lurkingshan's book club post

On Episodes 7 and 8

So, I love adaptations. While I don’t always engage with every element of an adaptation (I have read zero of the BL books for the shows I’ve watched, for example) I am always interested to learn about how stories are transferred between mediums and people. 

Love in the Big City has been so fun to watch because I have really enjoyed seeing the ways in which the author of the book himself has decided to adjust his own story as the screenwriter for the show. The original creator being in charge of the story in another medium is rarer than it should be, and I am always more comforted by the changes made to plotlines when I know that the creator was responsible. 

Episodes 7 and 8 for example still followed a lot of Part Four, however it was had some of the strongest moments of divergence from original canon of any section of the series. A number of us have mentioned the T-ara’s as an example of this. I think the loneliness that we feel throughout the entirety of the book is countered in the show by the visual presence of the T-ara’s in all the important parts of Go Yeong’s life. And it is such an interesting thing because we don’t learn about them until Part Three of the book, but in learning of their existence we realize that Young has had people around him for all the shit he’s talked about in Parts One and Two. 

gif by @khunkinn

One of the biggest changes being the ending. In the book we end with Young wandering the streets alone, thinking about all the writing about love that he’s done. We end with the flashback to him and Gyu-Ho’s lantern burning. We end with the words: 

“In the end, I left just two syllables on the lantern.  Gyu Ho. My only wish.” 

In the show we still get the burning lantern, we get Gyu Ho, and we get a one-two punch of having the lantern physically say Gyu Ho (규호) on it in Korean, and the voiceover say “love” because fucking ouch. But we also get Go Yeong watching the fireworks with the T-ara’s, a scene that is very much not in the book. I know in talking with some people that they read that moment as taking away from the healing that Young has been doing, which is an entirely valid read, especially because we know how often Go Yeong fakes a smile to hide his pain. 

But for me, it didn’t feel like having the T-ara’s there with him was getting in the way of his healing. With the addition of the T-ara’s as a link between the story beats I really appreciated that Go Yeong ended the show with all of his single friends, watching this explosion of fireworks. I really loved that we end with some level of understanding that Go Yeong will have people in his life to support him whatever comes his way, who will drag him out of bed when he’s depressed, who will carry his mother’s coffin at her funeral, who will be there to watch his healing and to call out his poor taste in men. 

I loved the addition of Eun Su and the wedding and the way that Eun Su looked straight at Go Yeong when he was deciding whether to say yes or no to the proposal. I loved that we got this quiet moment of tragic helium consumption between Go Yeong and Eun Su in a moment of sobering calm, that we had a moment to let Eun Su cry realizing that he didn’t want to get married and that Go Yeong was there in all of that as a support. I know that Go Yeong doesn’t trust the T-ara’s enough to tell them about Kylie, but I have hope that one day he will. Just as he has been reflecting upon the fact that he loved Gyu Ho and regrets letting him get away. 

On the Adaptation as a Whole

Okay, on to the adaptation as a whole. I want to talk about the decision to use different directors every two episodes and why I think that was a brilliant choice. 

First of all, we know each section of the book is its own period of time, and centered around different relationships in Young’s life. The structure of the parts in the book is really interesting because the readers can realize how important Gyu Ho is in Young’s life in the fact that he interrupts the narrative with Habibi. While I think this show would have been elite if it had released two episodes a week for four weeks, I understand the urge to publish it all at once considering the push back it received in Korea. 

Regardless of that though, having different directors makes each of the four sections feel distinct. It is always really fun to watch shows that have different people behind the camera because you will always get something different. Each director has a different lens, a different style, a different performance they will draw out of the actors. And that is incredibly important in a story such as this one where the main character is changing over time. You can write and perform character growth, but I think each part comes with a change in physicality that- while not impossible -would be really difficult to draw out of a performer who is being directed by the same person throughout. 

In addition, because each part does focus on a different important relationship in Go Yeong’s life, having different people be in charge of directing those relationships creates fresher, more distinct chemistry between each pairing. The kind of relationship that Mi Ae has with Go Yeong is large and bright and loud. It’s full of light, and joy, and a deep connection built on authentic selves only the two of them understand. But look at how Go Yeong interacts with Mi Ae in Episodes 5-6. His relationship to her has changed and while the same director could have helped the actors navigate the changing relationship between them, I think to have a different person with a different visual style direct that scene adds an additional, juicy layer of complexity and separation that you wouldn’t necessarily get otherwise. 

As I and many others have surely noted before, different mediums have different benefits when it comes to conveying information. Books can provide intense description or skip over entire settings depending on their relevance, television must show you everything, the clothing the actors well tell you a lot about their characters, the food they eat, the things they drink, the places they live, all the little pieces of set dressing you might not get, that you don’t get from the book are all in there. Love in the Big City the novel gives you much deeper insight into Young’s psyche than you are going to get in the show. The book feels bleaker, more isolated, and more depressed at all stages of the story than what we get out of the show, for the simple fact that the entire story in the book is narrated. When we are first introduced to Go Yeong in the show we get the exterior version of him, the fakest version of him in so many ways. A version of Young we never get because of the structure of the book. 

But there is something I have been thinking about in terms of the visual progression of the stories with the directors that we get. The show itself gets darker and more introspective over time. In Episodes One and Two we are lured in to the story via quick, snappy, and chaotic vibes. The room we open with is full of light, Go Yeong is begging for sex, and then he’s running out the door because his sex partner’s boyfriend has returned on military leave. The club is bright, his time with Mi Ae is bright, the abortion clinic is bright, Mi Ae’s wedding is bright. Everything is bi and loud and distracting, because this is the point in Young’s life where he is the most detached from his own feelings. The biggest moments of visual darkness in Part One are all surrounding Kim Nam Gyu, they’re dates mostly happen in the dark. Their conversations in the car are in darkness, the date to the lock gate is in darkness, the karaoke place is dark, the exchange of apology marinated crab is in the dark. 

But Mi Ae is the more important and prominent relationship in Yeong’s life in the first two episodes and so darkness is drowned out and more disguised in the first two episodes as a result. 

gif by @themisconceptions

Part Two the darkness starts to take over more. Most of the dates with Hyung also take place in the dark, his apartment is scarcely lit, the light of day is on screen primarily through the windows of Hyung’s apartment, through the fake lighting of the hospital rooms. In times when Hyung and Yeong are out in daylight the sky is overcast and gray, better lit than his apartment to be sure, but still there is something dulled out about the sky when they are together. The brightest moments we really get to my recollection (which to be fair I refuse to go back and comb through the episodes to back up my claim) are Yeong waking up in the hospital after his suicide attempt, and Yeong sitting in the park with his mother’s head in his lap. 

Part Three has something really interesting in it to me in terms of how it plays with light. Go Yeong’s relationship to Gyu Ho starts primarily in the dark, meeting at the club, meeting in the coffee shop after the play, meeting on the steps after the last train. But we start to see more light in these episodes after Go Yeong tells Gyu Ho about Kylie. When he starts that conversation he begins it in the dark, and by the time that Gyu Ho has caught up to him to cry over the fact that Go Yeong is smiling through the pain the light has started to rise. Just thinking visually about this part I feel like we get a good mixture of light and dark, it feels balanced in a way the other parts haven’t, and I think that speaks to the fact that Gyu Ho is the person that Go Yeong actually loved. 

I am talking about the lighting here mostly because Part Four feels so distinctly dark. The curtains are drawn, there is very little light coming in. I think @solitaryandwandering is on to something when they are talking about the lighting feeling more ambient. All the light throughout feels muted somehow, like the camera isn’t picking up as much of it even when it’s there. Light does not exist around Habibi almost at all, his apartment is pretty dark, the stairwell where they do their chase scene feels washed out rather than bright, the hotel where Gyu Ho and Go Yeong have sex, the hotel room he has with Habibi where the curtains close all the way, versus the light that comes streaming through the gap in the curtains in his first hotel room with Gyu Ho. Once again the brightest sections of this part surround Gyu Ho, but even then compared to Part Three the way this director utilizes light feels more muted and reserved, just as Go Yeong spends a lot of his time in this part grappling with deep depression. 

I love that even though we have four different directors I feel like we have a clear visual metaphor through the linear progression of lighting in this. We start out bright with the fakest version o fGo Yeong and we end dark with the realest version of Go Yeong we’ve had a chance to see. He’s still got a way to go, but I like how the directors are able to pull different performances and aesthetics out of the story while still making it feel like one cohesive unit. 

Also, I really wish I could pick Park Sang Young’s brain to learn if and how the last few years since he published this book have influenced his engagement with the source material and if and how that may have influenced any changes he made to the story we watched in the show. 

Also also, hugeee shout out to Nam Yoon Su, that dude fucking crushed his performance as Go Yeong, and I another reason I am glad that there were multiple directors on this is because I want that boy to stay as booked and busy and I think that gets a little easier when he has now shown his acting prowess off to four separate directors.

[bbyboybucket]

Okay okay, now that I’ve had time to actually think about all this and get the evidence and do the math: imma give y’all a little ted talk on Bucky’s Stockholm Syndrome.

So I’m gonna preface all this by saying that this probably wasn’t an intentional choice from the writers of TFATWS. For two reasons, one cause the show overall had a ton of writing issues beyond just Bucky and was kinda a mess as a whole. And two, to actually make that claim firmly, I’d have to do a rewatch and I don’t got time for all that. That said, as a viewer, choosing to look not just TFATWS, but at all of Bucky’s appearances from the perspective of him having Stockholm Syndrome, makes a lotttt of sense. It adds a lot of depth to his actions, words, etc. Also even if it wasn’t intentional, if you chose to look at it through this lens, the narrative of TFATWS being contradictory towards him can actually be a reflection of what’s going on in his head. The way the show is sometimes sympathetic but other times judgmental can be a reflection of how he sees himself and his inner conflict regarding his past. Again, I don’t think the writers intentionally did this, but it’s cool way to look at it and repurposes their mistakes.

Now, I just wanna point out that Stockholm syndrome can develop within merely days or weeks, so it’s almost kinda silly to think that it wouldn’t occur if someone had been held hostage for decades. It’s practically undoubtable that Bucky had Stockholm Syndrome for at least some part of his captivity, but I think he’s still dealing with the remnants of it. Zemo was right when he said there’s something still in Bucky and he can’t get rid of hydra. But it’s not that he’s some evil killer at heart, it’s that he has leftovers from Stockholm Syndrome.

In a very simplified summary, Stockholm syndrome usually happens and works when captors cause immense pain to the victim and then treat them well afterwards. The captor shows them some form of kindness, flattery, mercy, etc. back to back with harm. Also a big factor in it is the victim becoming dependent on them for basic needs. Seriously, learned helplessness is a huge factor in Stockholm Syndrome. All of it causes a “bond” to form. And the more this occurs over time, the stronger it gets because the victim is constantly exposed to them, they become their only source of interactions and relationships. Stockholm syndrome is thought to be a complex trauma response, a defense mechanism for surviving during cruel and terrifying conditions.

Think of it like the victim disassociates the perpetrator from the abuse and then emotionally bonds with them, so that they can lessen their fear and feel a sense of security. Also with Stockholm Syndrome (especially within cults), not only does the victim bond with their captor, but being isolated from the rest of the world causes them to adopt their captor’s views and lifestyle. They get completely indoctrinated and start to think the same way as the captor.

Now think about what we see with the Winter Soldier. Even from the very little that we know, it’s a cycle of Hydra severely hurting him but then giving him praise, encouragement, validation, etc. All for manipulation ofc, but a broken mind isn’t going to see it that way. He would be relishing in the fact that they’re making him feel like he’s needed and wanted, like he’s done good, etc. Especially since that’s the only affirmations and positive reinforcements he receives, and is otherwise forced to suffer. Those moments of praise and “kindness”, are so so so heavily weighted against everything else.

While he was captive, while Hydra had him, he likely thought they cared about him. It probably felt close to love. Now ofc Bucky, as a free man with a clear head, knows it wasn’t love or anything at all except being viewed as a weapon. But I bet there’s still a part of him that desires that again, even if he knows it was fake, especially in the wake of becoming lonely and left with his own negative thoughts. Because like I said before, the affirmations were fucking heavy weighted. During those 70 years just the slightest bit of praise or mercy probably felt like the world’s greatest high. Especially when it was given in the midst of pain.

These manipulative affirmations also result in the victim justifying their abuse. This happens in a lot of abusive situations but especially in Stockholm Syndrome. Think about the scene where Pierce is praising the winter soldier so he can convince him to do what he’s told. What immediately follows? He slaps him. Then he electrocutes him. But the winter soldier doesn’t resist either, doesn’t complain, etc. He takes both, which is definitely a conditioned response, but it’s also likely due to the thoughts of “I’m disappointing them, I deserve this punishment for not behaving.” And to play devils advocate, let’s say he didn’t feel as if he deserved it. Even so, without speculating his thoughts, his reactions to the abuse and the fact that he’s been conditioned to deal with that at all, are still signs of Stockholm Syndrome. Because the captor’s behavior has become normalized.

Also he very well was dependent on them for his every single need. For food, water, shelter, hygiene, human interaction, and probably things he didn’t need but was manipulated into believing were necessities. And that, especially with the learned helplessness and with him likely being in constant survival mode, reinforces that feeling of dependence. The feeling that he needs them. The feeling that they’re Hydra isn’t so bad because they take care of him. The dependence also circles back into kindness thing. Providing for him could easily be seen as small acts of kindness, further making him feel like Hydra cares about him.

Another huge huge huge part of Stockholm Syndrome is that the victim shows resistance and anger towards those trying to help them or that try to oppose the captor. Look at how the Winter Soldier reacts to Steve, various times throughout the movie. With almost everyone else, he’s mostly objective, just fighting anyone who stands in the way of Hydra. He’s brainwashed but he’s not stupid, he knows Steve had another motive. He knew Steve wanted to help him in some way or separate him from Hydra. And that made him fucking livid. He wasn’t just irritated, like he was when Natasha shot his goggles. He was fighting with full on rage, because didn’t want to even think about a life outside of Hydra.

Now, I don’t think it’s full blown Stockholm syndrome anymore now that he’s a free man. That’s why in my initial post I said it’s to certain degree. In remission is maybe a way to word it. He can’t have full blown Stockholm Syndrome, because if he did, he wouldn’t acknowledge that hydra was bad at all, he’d straight up defend them. However, he clearly has some level of it since he considers himself to have been hydra, to have been one of them, rather than just their captive.

But this all plays into Bucky’s overall-mcu characterization and the way he has conflicting views on his time as the soldier. Because Bucky knows what happened to him was fucked up, that it wasn’t actually his fault, but he still feels that way because he was indoctrinated into their culture and his psyche was completely altered by them beyond just trauma. The degree of his stockholm syndrome is what makes him having stressful, conflicting, confusing feelings on it. It’s cognitive dissonance. In case anyone doesn’t know, here’s a quick definition: cognitive dissonance is when you have two conflicting thoughts/feelings at the same time or when your actions conflict with your thoughts/feelings.

Cause we know he has cognitive dissonance from his actions as the winter soldier. We know he has extreme stress, shame, and guilt from the fact that he killed people despite it not being in line with his morals. BUT if we’re talking about Stockholm Syndrome, it unravels other areas of cognitive dissonance. It’s why he struggles so much with accepting his own innocence and forgiving himself, and rarely acknowledges what was done to him. He knows he was a victim yet he was also a perpetrator. Those don’t align, they contradict each other, he can’t see how they can be simultaneous, it doesn’t neatly make sense how the perpetrator could also be the victim, especially from his perspective. A lot of times, the way people deal with cognitive dissonance is by ignoring one of the feelings/beliefs. His way of dealing with this is to put the blame on himself, because even though it still feels shitty, it’s less confusing and easier to accept that than the fact that multiple things can be true at once. Or more accurately from the outsider’s perspective: the fact that his innocence outweighs his guilt.

That’s why he shuts down anyone who points out he’s not to blame. He’s avoiding the feeling of victimhood that conflicts with his beliefs that he’s at fault. It shakes everything thing up and makes him feel even worse than just the guilt alone does. Which also is due to the fact that it’s easier to believe you’re the problem than it is to acknowledge you were helpless. And to deal with the cognitive dissonance he’s choosing the more manageable option, being at fault. But all this cognitive dissonance just completely feeds into his guilt and self esteem problems.

(Side note, no I absolutely do not think his guilt is boiled down to just this. This looking at one little piece of the puzzle, it’s wayyy bigger than this. I’m just sticking to the context of this post right now.)

He didn’t want to do anything Hydra made him do, he never wanted to be with them, yet he accepted Hydra as a home during those 70 years and some of their practices linger in his head. It’s inconsistent to have not wanted to apart of it but adopted the lifestyle anyways. The stress that inconsistency brings is not easy to resolve. Especially because he likely doesn’t understand why he felt any kind of attachment to something that caused him and others so much pain. Think about the line “Hydra was my people”. We all hate it. But….if you look at it from this perspective, it’s not necessarily wrong. He spent 70 years with them. 70 years of having nothing but Hydra, having to rely on them, having to endure all the things that cause Stockholm Syndrome to develop. He didn’t have a choice in the matter, but it really was his home in his eyes. An abusive, nazi nightmare of a home but still, sadly….his home. They were his people, because they forced themselves to be. They were his only people. Again, that’s where the cognitive dissonance comes in: he hates them, he wishes they weren’t ever his people….but the fact is that they were. And that eats at him.

And like I mentioned before, Stockholm Syndrome involves indoctrination and adopting the ideals of the captor. It would be hard to completely remove that if it’s what you spent decades living by. Hydra’s world view and practices probably still slip into his mind a lot, but they don’t align with what he truly believes is right, they’re not who he is as a person: again, more cognitive dissonance that’s causing him distress.

All of this is also probably a factor in why he wants to make amends, not only because he wants to right his wrongs and make up for his sins, but he wants to act on this cognitive dissonance. Because amending does align with his feelings of being against hydra, of not wanting to be a part of Hydra. And acting on that might help push away those other feelings of being one of them.

Also think about how he never argues or defends himself when people speak down on him and his past, he never corrects anyone when they say he’s hydra, he never has any rebuttal against negative comments about him. Which of course, is due to his low self esteem, and again, guilt. But also it goes back to the Stockholm Syndrome and cognitive dissonance that fuel those feelings. He can’t argue or defend his character to anyone else, because he can’t even convince it himself. Because for any excuse, any explanation, any proof he has of being good….he has something to contradict it with. And how can he truly say he’s still a good guy and not at fault when even he is confused about what’s true? When he still has uncomfortable, lingering attachments to Hydra that he hasn’t shaken yet?

The point is, his head is fucking mess, which we all already knew….but looking at it like this just makes you realize how much more confused and lost he is, how his thoughts are literally at war with each other all the time. And when you look at the narrative as a reflection of his feelings, it makes sense why it switches up every second. If it’s confusing for a viewer to see the seesaw go back and forth from “victim” to “criminal”, then imagine what it’s like in Bucky’s head.

Now I do feel like there’s a lot more here, you could go way deeper and I’m probably missing some stuff, but it’s a place to start. Just some fuel to get the motors running.

[toolonely1]

Goodbye

Professor! Spencer Reid x Reader

Warnings: Angst, one mention of the reader as a girl, teacher/student relationship, if there's anything else, let me know

Word count: 1.4k

(please be nice I never write)

The beginning of the semester is usually stressful; the combination of finding your classes, meeting professors, and getting used to the workload can be a lot. But nothing could have prepared you to see your boyfriend of three months at the front of the class, greeting students as they walked in.

When your eyes meet, you freeze, realizing Professor Reid and Spencer Reid are, in fact, the same person. He starts walking towards you in an awkward manner, the same shyness he had when you first met. But before he can reach you, you dart towards a seat in the back of the class, unable to handle that conversation just yet. His eyes follow you, and you can only hope he understands why you can’t speak to him. It isn’t every day you find out you’ve unknowingly been sleeping with your professor.

See, you met months ago, right at the beginning of the summer. You had been reading at a table in your favorite library; it had a cafe in it, and the employees were always great. The rest of the tables were full, and you happened to look up as he was looking around for an empty seat, with a coffee in one hand and a book in the other. It was almost out of the movies, the way your heart stopped as your eyes met. He had to have been the most beautiful man you’ve ever seen, then he gave you this shy smile, and immediately you were done for. You offered him the empty chair at your table, and by some miracle, he accepted the invite.

As he was sitting down, you took the opportunity to introduce yourself, to which he smiled and replied with his own name.

“Well, Spencer Reid, I don’t know why it’s so busy today. Usually, the place is pretty empty.” He didn’t seem like the type to enjoy crowds.

Proving my guess, he replied, “The last time I came in, most of the tables were empty. I figured it would be the same now." His eyes flickered from your eyes to the rest of you. “Though I’m starting to think it may not be such a bad thing.”

Your eyebrows furrowed. “And why’s that?”

Almost like a switch was flipped, his demeanor changed. No longer was he shy and awkward, now he was exuding confidence. “I have an excuse to talk to a pretty girl.”

You didn’t do any reading after that. Instead, you and Spencer spent the rest of the day chatting (flirting) about your favorite books, hobbies, and everything in between.

In the next couple of weeks, you kept meeting at the library, both acting as if it were an accident. Eventually, though, you started meeting outside of the library, starting with walks around a local park, where he told you about his job as a profiler in the Behavioral Analysis Unit, explaining he would be gone for days to find the “unsub,” as he called it. Walks turned to trips to the movies; he had a thing for films in foreign languages, and you didn’t mind him translating everything in your ear (though you were not paying much attention to anything other than the feel of his breath on your neck).

One night, after dinner, you asked him to kiss you, wanting to be more than the sort of not stranger we became. He took the hint, and for the rest of the summer, as long as he was in the city, you were inseparable.

Until now.

The lecture went fast, as the first day usually does. Professor Reid only went over the syllabus, not that you were paying attention to a thing he said; you were too busy thinking about the impossible situation you had ended up in. When he finished going over the syllabus, he dismissed everyone early. You wanted to leave the class quickly, but as if he knew what you were going to do, he met you at your seat. You didn’t stand a chance.

“We should talk.” Though he was not physically holding you, you could not move. You knew you would either talk about it now or would never talk again.

The class finally cleared, and you were alone. This is something you would usually relish, but this time, being alone with him feels dirty, like you’re doing something wrong.

Avoiding eye contact, you fidget with the strap of your bag. “So when you said you worked as a profiler, were you lying?” It's certainly not the most pressing issue, but you had to find something to say.

The sound of his chuckle was both music to your ears and nails on a chalkboard. “No, I teach as a side job when I'm not on a case. I'm sorry, I must have forgotten to mention that.” It’s confusing how he can find humor in a situation like this.

“Yeah, it would have been nice to know. especially when you heard me complain about my college classes.” You don’t blame him, never could, but you have to be upset about something. When you finally get the courage to look at him, the look he gives you tells you he knows this.

Having spent the last thirty minutes thinking, you already know what you have to do. Tears began filling your eyes as you really, truly took him in.

“We have to break up.”

“What?” He looks devastated.

“It's the most logical option, you have to agree.” you can’t look at him anymore, too scared to see his reaction. You start pacing. “I mean, this is putting your job in danger, and there’s no way I’m letting this jeopardize my education. Not to mention how cliche it is for a student and her teacher to be together." You take a glance at him while you take a breath and continue, "Do you know what people would say about me if they found out?" you then wait for a response, but instead, his mouth is ajar as he takes in everything you just said.

Unable to handle the silence, you continue, trying to convince both of you that this is the right choice. “So we break up. It doesn’t matter how either of us feels, it’s what has to be done. No matter how much fun I had. No matter how much I care about you. It doesn’t matter.” The tears are starting to flow now, but the word vomit will not stop. “Nothing matters because I can’t be the girl who sleeps with her professor for a good grade. Even if it will kill me to see you three times a week and not be able to hug you, kiss you,... or even talk to you.” That’s what breaks you, the reality of the situation finally getting to you.

Your sob is what finally breaks him out of his trance; he rushes to you as if his only job is to calm you down. His hands cup your face faster than you can process. “You’re right... we should break up. For my career and your education.” His eyes are tracing your face like he’s trying to memorize every detail of it, as if his eidetic memory could ever fail him. “But this summer has been the best thing to happen to me, and I will always remember it as that. You taught me how to live again, not just survive.”

Your breathing starts to calm again; he seems to always know how to do that. Just another thing you will miss about him.

As you take in one another, you realize how much you don’t want to lose him. Not if you don’t have to.

“I can drop the class, and we’ll avoid each other on campus. We can do that, right?” But he’s got that look in his eyes, the one that says he’s made up his mind. It may have started as your idea, but it’s ending as his final decision.

“You need the class to graduate, and I’m the only professor who teaches it.” His sad smile mocks you. “And we both know I can’t stay away from you when you’re mine.”

The tears start up again as he reminds you that you won’t be his anymore. That he won’t be yours.

“I’m going to miss you.”

“Goodbye,” the final whisper of your name before he walks away feels like a knife to the heart.

[ashisill]

Colorado woman

Warnings: (Abusive past relationship, past relationship trauma, illusions to sexual trauma,language, slight ptsd, drinking, smoking, and I believe thats all. If I missed any feel free to let me know)

Summary: Josh had given up on looking for a partner. After the last woman he swore he’d never love again. After two years of being alone his brothers started to believe him. They decided to take matters into their own hands. Lucky for them his dream woman awaits in Colorado … you.

: This is the longest fic I’ve ever written, so please give me a little bit to fix any mistakes!

~

“Let’s go out Josh. We can go to that bar Sam loves, and find you a partner. Or at least someone to fill that void”

“How many times have I told you? I don’t want a relationship. The last thing I want is to find someone drunk at a bar. Gross”

“Jeez Joshua look at you. You’ve lived at my house for two weeks now. Admit it your starting to get lonely and you don’t like it”

He laughed out loud “I’m not lonely I just don’t want to be stuck at my house all the time. Is that so bad?

“You have been sleeping in my spare room for two weeks. That’s a lot different than wanting to get out of the house for a while”

“I mean I’ll leave if your kicking me out” He laughed it off.

“That not what I’m saying Josh. Tell me what’s your type?”

“Don’t have one. I’m not like you Jake. I like to do my own thing. I wouldn’t be happy tied down to anyone”

“I’ve been doing my own thing for eight years, and my relationship is thriving”

“Well congratulations. That’s you not me. I promise you the last thing I want is a relationship”

“Then make it a fling, but for gods sake put yourself out there”

“You know I don’t see how this is any of your business or concern”

“I want you to be happy Josh, and I know that you’re not. You can brush me off like you always do, but you are lonely and it scares you. You know I don’t care if you stay with me, but you shouldn’t have to. You’re like damn near depressed all the time and that worries me Josh”

“Do you what scares me more? Getting into a relationship and everything being the same as the last one. I’d rather be lonely than risk having to feel like that again”

“Now was it that hard to open up to me? You’re not even looking. I’m not saying you have to jump into anything, but when’s the last time you’ve tried?”

“I have tried they just never work out”

“Josh you haven’t tried since … her”

“And so fucking what? You know what Jake but out. You’re not helping. All you’ve done is bitch at me” Jake just stared at him “what?”

“Josh” he placed a hand on his shoulder “All I’m trying to say is don’t give up looking. Don’t shut everyone out because you’re afraid. I want to see the light come back to your eyes. Because right now Josh I’ve never seen you so dull. Keep an open mind that’s all”

He sighed rubbing the back of his neck “Okay Jake”

~

“Do you think we should teach them more tricks?” Sam said to his girlfriend Hannah as they watched the dogs play in the yard. They heard the doorbell ring. “I got it last time” Hannah said.

Sam opened the door surprised to see who it was. “Didn’t expect you today what’s up?”

“I need to talk to you about Josh”

He took Jake to the backyard where they were sitting. “What’s up? Is he okay?”

“Sam he’s been staying at my house for two weeks. Not that I mind him there what so ever, but I worry for him. He needs someone new in his life. Hell at this point he needs a friend at least”

He looked at his girlfriend puzzled, and she spoke “he stayed at our place a few weeks ago. Sometimes he comes over for dinner as well”

“He’s scared because of that bitch. I hate her for everything she’s done to him”

“I mean I’m sure he is scared after all that. She practically abused him id probably give up for a while too”

“But it’s Josh the most loving person we know. He’s wasting all of his potential he needs someone. He’s not happy I’ve never seen his eyes so sad”

“You really wanna risk it again? We don’t know everything he went through in the first place. I think we just need to let him figure this out”

“It’s been almost two years Sam. He won’t do it himself”

“He’ll be fine we shouldn’t push him. If he gets hurt again it’s all our fault. I don’t want that guilt on my chest”

“I’m with Jake on this one. The last time Josh was over we smoked together. He got very upset, and was kinda spilled a lot to me. I promised him I wouldn’t tell, but Jake’s right I think he needs helps”

“That’s what I came here for thank you. Do we know of anyone?”

Sam sighed “There’s that one girl that we met at that festival”

“You want him with a junkie?”

“She wasn’t a junkie!”

“Sam honey you’re oblivious. I know someone that might be perfect. Only thing is she lives in Colorado”

“Josh always says he wants to live in the mountains. What’s she like?”

“Well she’s currently kinda in the same situation as him. Rough love life scared to move on. He would fall in love instantly. She’s beautiful”

“Personality?” Jake asked “she better be an angel”

“Just picture Josh, but as a female. I’d say she’s a more little outgoing than him. She reminds me of him a lot, but they are very different in their own ways”

“Good start” Jake said nodding his head.

“She very soft spoken. Overall she’s just a very kind hearted person. She’s the only person I know that would never hurt him”

“You’re positive she’s single?” Sam asked

“Yes she always says she talks to her dogs more than people. She lives alone, but says she hates being alone. She loves company because she doesn’t get it much living out in the mountains. I just know she would love Josh. They fit each other”

“Well you know it’s convenient that we’re off tour. How the hell are we getting Josh to Colorado?”

“I can talk to her. She would adore everyone coming out there. Let me see when she’s free” she stepped inside to make a phone call.

“Josh has always handled himself, but I’m watching him fall apart. He doesn’t act like himself anymore. He’s not content. When he’s home he’s pacing around the house. Or he’ll leave and distract himself for hours” Jake told his brother.

“I guess I didn’t realize how bad it’s gotten. He puts on a show for everyone. I suppose I wasn’t able to see through it like you did”

“The last thing I want is for him to get hurt again. He just needs his confidence back”

Hannah returned with a smile “everyone free next week?”

~

“Colorado?” Josh questioned picking at his fingers “why out of the blue?”

“My friend invited us to come stay with her for a week” Hannah said convincingly.

“Who’s your friend?” Josh asked perking up an eyebrow.

“Well her name is y/n, and I haven’t seen her in a while. She invited me and Sam, but we thought you guys might want to come”

“I don’t suppose I have anything better to do. Next week you said?”

Hannah got excited when he agreed. “Yes next week, and we will leave early that morning. This is gonna be so much fun!”

~

The air was cool, the green of the leaves was almost gone, and they were minutes away from arrival. A cozy little cabin in the middle of nowhere. Just you, and your dogs. You’ve spent the past week cleaning, stocking up on food, and preparing your house for guests. It’s not often you get them. Living so far away from everything your use to being alone. You would be lying if you said you weren’t beyond excited. You heard serval cars disrupt the once peaceful gravel road. Your dog’s ears perked up as you all headed towards the door. You hoped they wouldn’t be afraid of the large dogs that causally lounge around your home. You took a breath and opened the door.

“Why am I nervous?” Josh whispered to Jake.

“New place new person. Hannah said she’s a lot like you so maybe you’ll get along well”

“This isn’t a set up is it?”

He laughed “You think I would take you all the way to Colorado to set you up?”

“Yes … yes I do”

He sighed “well I didn’t. It’s just a trip Hannah invited us on. I know as much as you do. Just relax it will be fun”

He squinted his eyes at him “whatever you say”

You stood on the porch watching as they all unloaded from the cars.

“Y/n!” Hannah ran up hugging you.

“I missed you so much. I’m so happy you’re here!”

“This is Sam my boyfriend”

“I know you” you giggled “heard lots”

“Good things I hope. This is my bestie Danny”

“Hi Danny. Your hair so curly I’m jealous”

“Thank you” he laughed.

“This is Jake and his girlfriend” They waved at you, and you smiled back.

“And this is Josh”

“Oh” you paused “hello I’m y/n”

“Nice to meet you” he said quietly.

Maybe you were crazy, but you felt a connection. You known him for five seconds but you feel drawn to him. His fluffy hair that his fingers nervously ran through. His sense of style was definitely your taste. He was more soft spoken than the rest. You liked that a lot. He just had this air about him that made you want to know him.

You invited everyone inside, and you realized it was already late in the afternoon. You showed them around your place before the sun started to set. Everyone started to settle in and feel more at home.

“Very lovely place you got” Jake said admiring the cozy atmosphere.

“Thank you it’s Jake right?” You asked.

“Correct” he gave you a wink.

“I don’t wanna be that person, but where are we sleeping?” Sam asked.

“Sam don’t be rude” Josh corrected.

“No worries. So I only have one guest bedroom so the couples will have to fight over that” you laughed. “There’s an air mattress, and a couch”

“We call the bedroom” Jake shouted smiling at his girlfriend.

“Oh fuck you” Sam rolled his eyes.

“I mean he did say it first” Danny laughed.

“I promise the air mattress won’t deflate on you in the middle of the night. It was quite the investment”

“Then we call the air mattress” Sam said.

“I never mind sleeping on a couch. I’m used to it” Danny laughed.

Josh becoming worried “I guess I’ll be sleeping on the couch too?”

“No you’re sleeping on the floor Joshua” Danny said shaking his head. “No way in hell am I sleeping on a couch with you”

“Thank god I don’t have to share a bed with him” Jake said. “Tired of waking up with bruises”

“Rough sleeper?” You asked

They all laugh “absolutely. I used to be forced to share a bed with him when we were little I never got any sleep. He tossed and turned all night, and he kicks you … hard. Cons of being a twin”

“I’ve been slapped a few times” Sam said.

“I’m sorry did you say twins?”

“Yeah can you tell?” He joked.

“You know I can definitely see it”

“I don’t mind sleeping on the floor” Josh sighed

“Poor Josh” you said.

“Poor josh? What about the victims” Jake said making the room laugh.

“Well we can figure it out later. I’m not letting you sleep on the floor that’s for sure” you say to him. “Here’s the remote. Turn on whatever you’d like. Also there’s beer and stuff in the fridge” you said going into the kitchen to start on dinner.

Danny got up grabbing enough for everyone. You could definitely tell who the siblings were. As Jake and Sam bickered over the remote. Danny tried to intervene between the two. Which ended with a pissed off sam, and a cocky smirk from Jake.

Josh rolled his eyes, and walked into the kitchen. “Need some help?”

“Oh you don’t have to do all that”

“I don’t mind really” his eyes shifted to the potato’s lying in the countertop. “I could peel those if you needed”

“That would be lovely thank you”

It started out in comfortable silence. Only speaking to confirm he’s doing right. As he watched the sun set from the window his mind began to wonder.

“So” he cleared his throat. “how long have you lived in Colorado?”

“Well I visited when I was 15 fell in love, and I moved when I was 19. Been here ever since, and I wouldn’t change it for the world. You’re from Nashville?”

“Not by choice” he laughed “originally I’m from Michigan, but with the band and all. We had to move closer to the studio and stuff”

“How’s that all going?”

“The band? It’s been a lot to be honest. Rewarding, but exhausting. I’m just glad we’re on a break from tour”

“I don’t know how you do it every night. I can barely work without getting drained”

“You figure it out eventually I suppose. Knife?”

“Top drawer. What’s it’s like traveling the world, and playing to people every night”

“It never gets boring I’ll say that. When you’re up there looking out into the crowd. They love you with all their heart. It’s like they understand you in a sense. You can really feel the love up on that stage. It makes up for the exhaustion I suppose”

“That sounds beautiful. Maybe I’ll get to come to a show one day”

“So what made you invite everyone out here? Gotta be an adjustment from peace and quiet all the time”

“Oh it wasn’t my idea. I’m glad everyone came out though it’s nice to have a change”

“Oh? I was told something different wonder why” he thought it over in his head

“Well now I’m curious what you were told”

“The story was that you invited Hannah, and she invited us”

“She called me” you laughed hard. “That’s a silly thing to lie about”

He knew. He knew exactly why they lied. He knew Jake lied to his face in the car. Now that he’s met you he knows exactly why they’ve brought him here. You. Now he would be lying if his said his heart wasn’t skipping beats right now. Only now that he’s figured it out his nerves are shot.

“Good thing this cooks pretty slow so we can go relax for a while”

He followed you to the couch and hesitantly sat down beside you. His eyes shifted from the movie to picking at his finger, and back to the movie. He had scabs around his fingers from it. You could tell he was on edge a little bit. Something changed since your talk in the kitchen but you didn’t know what. He seemed nervous around you now. Although you couldn’t understand why you knew what might help. “Do you smoke?”

He nodded his head with a smile “me and Josh are gonna smoke if anyone wants to join”

You walked outside and a few of them followed. Passing it in a circle and making small talk. Josh took a drag off the joint and closed his eyes. Blowing it out and nodding his head. “Damn that’s good shit”

“Told you so” you laughed as he handed it to you.

“It’s so pretty out here. Wish I lived in the mountain” Danny said admiring the view.

“I couldn’t imagine living anywhere else” you said. “Shit I left my drink inside be right back”

“Jacob Tomas Kiszka” Josh said stern. “You brought me here to hook me up?”

“I already told you I wouldn’t-”

“I made the mistake of asking her. She said this wasn’t her idea to invite us out. Instead she got a phone call from Hannah”

“Josh listen” he said before Hannah cut him off.

“We were worried about you Josh. She’s in the same situation you are. Give her a chance”

“How did you know? How did you know we would click? Because I’ve never- I’ve never done that with anyone”

“I just knew”

They were quick to end the conversation when you walked back outside. You all stayed outside for a while passing the joint around. They gave you the last hit, and you threw the roach out into the yard. After everyone was done eating dinner the night started to get fun. Everyone had a good buzz going, and the house was lively. Josh started to come out of his shell, talking louder, and with more excitement. “My god you guys are funny” you went into the kitchen to make another drink. Josh followed you also needing a refill.

“Doing alright?” He asked you.

“Haven’t been this messed up in a while” you laughed.

“How are you feeling?”

“I’m almost to your level” he smiled. “I never told you but-”

“Y/n holy shit! You got more weed? I feel fucking great” drunk Sam comes shouting in the kitchen

You laughed “go into my room and there’s like 4 laying on the tv stand” you paused waiting for Sam to leave. “Never told me what?”

“Oh never mind” he waved a hand in the air.

“But-”

“Y/n” Sam came back in tugging at your shirt. “Come smoke with us”

“Fine. Josh you coming?”

“I think I’ll set this one out” he smiled at you.

“Josh is sweet” you said sitting outside with Sam and Hannah.

“Oh he’s a sweetheart” she said.

“I can tell” you put the joint between your lips and lit the tip.

“Single” Sam said and Hannah gently smacked him. “What? It’s true”

“Oh”

“He’s been through a lot relationship wise, but so have you” Hannah said.

“Don’t let him fool you he’s not always that quiet”

“Well neither am I” you laughed “he seems nervous”

“I suppose he is” Sam said taking a hit “he has been just kinda down recently. Plus his ex kinda took his self confidence from him”

“I guess he just gets lonely a lot, and it’s catching up to him” Hannah said.

“I know how that feels” you said pointing to the mountains “it’s just me and my dogs out here”

“It’s got its perks I would assume” Hannah said.

“Oh yeah definitely” you stared for a moment “he’s cute”

“Think so?” Hannah asked excitedly.

“He has kind eyes. I like his hair it’s fluffy. He just seems so nice”

“All I’m gonna say is he’s interested”

Josh sat on the couch with his brother. “Has she said anything to you? About like me or anything?”

Jake laughed “no but I can tell she’s taking a liking to you”

“Oh definitely” Danny chimed in “how do you feel about her?”

“I dunno she just kinda has this glow around her, and I wanna be part of the light”

They looked at each other and started laughing “oh he’s in love Danny”

“She seems perfect for you. Gonna thank me or what?” Jake teased taking a sip from his drink.

“Yeah yeah whatever”

“So what move are you going to make? Let’s get this started right?” Danny asked.

“Yeah you’re funny. I’m done making the moves. If it’s meant to be then it will be”

They both rolled their eyes “well shit”

“Hi” you said slamming open the door. It was obvious by your state that you were pretty messed up. “Joshua. Can I call you Joshua?”

“If you’d like” he turned to look at you. You plopped down beside him on the couch.

“Joshua!” You shouted “I have an idea”

He jumped when you yelled his name. Laughing about how you startled him. “What’s your idea?”

You shuffle through your phone looking for a song. When you found the perfect one you jumped to your feet. “Wanna dance with me?”

He smiled, and he cheeks blushed pink. “I would love to dance with you.

You wrapped your arms around his neck, and his hands held your waist. “oh shit. I’m so sorry I stepped in your toes”

He smiled down at you “don’t worry about it darling”

“Darling? I like that” you laid your head on his chest. He danced you around your living room. By the time it was over almost everyone had joined. It was magical to see your house so lively and full of love.

“You made me dizzy” you giggled and sat down on the couch. Your head laid on his shoulder and you begun to get sleepy. Danny went into action being the dad of the group. Helping Jake as he stumbled into the guest room. He helped Sam blow up the air mattress, and grabbed blankets for everyone. He filled up a glass of water and sat it on Jake’s bedside table. Making sure everyone had a least a little water to drink before bedtime.

“What we gonna do about you?” You turned to Josh. “Want to sleep with me?”

“Good luck sleeping” Danny joked.

“Oh he won’t bother me I’m a deep sleeper. Nothing wakes me up”

“They’re not wrong. I don’t wanna hurt you in your own bed”

“Joshua shut up” Sam whispered.

You laughed at his attempt to help his brother “come on Josh”

“Are you sure I mean I-”

“Josh shut up” Sam and Danny said in unison.

You reached out your hand, and he grabbed it. He headed into the room “you’re room is cute”

“Thank you most the decor is diy or thrifted”

“They look amazing. Did you make this?”

He took interest in the large painting on the wall. You nodded “yes I love to paint”

“That’s so impressive. I love art myself, but I could never make anything like this”. He gently ran his fingers on the edge of the painting.

Your cheeks now bright red, and a soft smile on your lips “thank you Josh. I’m sure you could do better”

“Definitely not. I’m not really a painter. I design my own stage clothes. I sketch what I want it to look like, and then somebody makes it. I like it because it’s always exactly how I want it to be. I take inspiration from all kinds of stuff, and make it into one thing. It’s more than just an outfit really. It’s almost like another person when I put them on”

“Like each outfit is its own art piece? It’s like painting. When you’re in a good mood your art is going to distribute something completely different than if you were gloomy. The paintings are entirely different it’s almost as if different people painted them.”

“That’s exactly it! You understand” he smiles.

“Artists to artists of course I understand”

You let him look around a bit longer before excusing yourself to go change. When you came back he was still looking at the painting. He had pajama pants on with a white sleeved shirt. You tripped over your feet walking into the room. Stumbling around, and your vision was getting blurry. “Stumbling around a little. You okay?”

“Hmm” you reached for his shoulder to stabilize yourself. Without much thought he picked you up. Tucking you into the bed, and lying down beside you.

“If I hurt you or keep you up please wake me up. I don’t mind sleeping on the floor. I just-”

“Shh you’re not gonna bother me. Stop stressing about it. I can tell this is something people might have made you feel bad about”

“Yeah well try hurting the people you love and have no control over it”

A lazy finger pressed against his lip “shh don’t worry about it. Joshua”

You both laid there in silence trying to drift away. The silence was deadly, and you tossed and turned. Unable to fall asleep, and your mind raced about the man next to you. In a whisper you spoke “Josh”

Sleepy he replied “yes?”

“Can you hold me?”

“I would love nothing more”

When the sun started to rise you two were the last ones awake. Jake crept open the door worried you might have ended up on the floor. Instead he found you tangled up together. The sheets hanging off the bed, and he was holding you protectively.

“Sam come here … look” Jake said pointing at the two of you.

He poked his head through the door “awe they look so cozy”

“I wonder how long they’ve been like that”

“All he needed was a cuddle buddy I guess” Sam said.

You started to stir as the sun shined through the curtains. “Shit” they giggled and shut the door.

Josh’s eyes peeked opened to you lying across him. He closed his eyes for a moment taking it in. You were you wrapped around him tightly. One leg hiked across his waist, and the other twisted in his leg. Your arm laid across his chest, and so was your head. He was loving every minute of you. Wishing this moment would never end. However, you started to wake up. His grip was strong hopeful you wouldn’t move. You looked up at him and smiled. “Good morning”

“Good morning. Sleep okay?” He asked.

“I slept amazing. You?”

“Best sleep I’ve got in a while”

“Your so warm that’s probably why I slept so good. It’s usually freezing in here. I wasn’t all over you too much right?”

“Not too much at all. Been a while since well you know”

“Feels nice to be held. What happened to the sheets?”

“Not sure about that one”

His eyes were glowing, and his face had a smile you haven’t seen before. Dosing off a little bit with the warmth of his body. You’ve never felt so comfortable in your life. The sheets felt like honey on your skin. You wondered if you found heaven, or at least peace. You two laid tangled up together for at least an hour. Realizing the time you sighed, and climbed out of your side of heaven. The two of you stumbled into the living room. “Well good morning love bugs” Sam teased which resulted in another playful smack from his girl. “Leave them alone” she whispered.

“Checked for bruises?” Danny said.

“I don’t think he moved one bit. Except the kick the sheets off. Or maybe that was me” you shrugged your shoulders.

“Maybe all he needed was someone to hold” Jake said.

His face turned bright red and his eyes got big “oh my god shut up. How did you know that?”

“I have my ways”

“Creep” Josh rolled his eyes.

You giggled at him, and walked into the kitchen. You opened the container of coffee grounds and put it into the maker. Making a pot then going to your bedroom to get dressed. Jake and Josh were talking in the kitchen as they drank their coffee.

“So” he paused taking a sip “seems to be going well”

“Last night was the first night I didn’t wake up in the middle of the night”

“Is that why you’ve been up doing fuck knows what?”

“Yeah I’d wake up at like three in the morning and I could never go back to sleep. So I’d get up and start doing stuff”

“You’ve scared the shit out of me when I walk downstairs to get water, and you’re standing in the kitchen. You really gotta go back home bud”

“I know I know. Hey maybe I won’t have too” he joked.

“Gonna become a mountain man?”

Josh talks with his hands that’s very obvious. What he doesn’t do is pay attention to where his hands fly around. The conversation has peeked his interest, and when his hands flare out he hits the open container. Coffee grounds go everywhere. Josh’s face turns white, and he starts to panic.

“Oh fuck” he repeated over and over. “Here we go. It was going so good, and I’ve fucked it all up”

“Josh it’s just coffee grounds I’m sure she’ll understand it was an accident”

“You don’t understand Jake. Do you not fucking remember?”

“I remember, but she nothing like her. She won’t get mad I’m sure of it”

“I’ve ruined everything. Why am I like this Jake?”

“You haven’t done anything wrong. Josh you’ve been the best I’ve seen you in so long. Let’s not lose progress over coffee grounds …. Josh”

Still he panicked, hyperventilating, going into his head and -

“Josh how fucking stupid are you?”

“I’m sorry it was an accident I’ll pick it up”

“I just fucking poured that drink. You are fucking useless”

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to. I’ll clean it up”

“Why am I even with you? Your so damn pathetic”

“It was just an accident”

“Shut the hell up and pick it up. I don’t need to hear your whining”

“I’m trying but your yelling at me”

“Are you gonna fucking cry about it? Go ahead cry see if I give a shit Josh”

“Josh!”

“Huh?”

“Did you hear me? She’s gonna get the broom for us”

“You told her? Why would you do that? We could of figured it out”

“Josh breathe. Take a damn breath. I’m gonna say it again she’s isn’t like her”

“Oh no what happened?” you said walking into the kitchen.

“I’m so sorry it was an accident I��ll clean it up”

“Oh no worries. Shit happens” you waved a hand in the air.

“I’m so sorry I-” his fingers ran through his hair. Processing your response he looked at you confused “Wait what did you say?” he said softly.

“I said shit happens. I’d be a fool to get mad over something so small. Go sit down I’ve got it”

He looked at his brother confused. “You’re not mad? Why aren’t you mad? I spilled this everywhere”

“Don’t beat yourself up. I’m clumsy as hell. Always spilling stuff. Go sit down” you handed him his coffee cup “here. Go take a breath”

Josh exited the room, and you turned to Jake for some answers. “Jake” you whispered.

“What’s up?” He grabbed the broom as you held the dust pan.

“Is he okay? Why did he get so upset?”

He swept the grounds into the dust pan. His face shifted to an almost confused look. Then you thought maybe it was an angry one. But his eyes looked hurt, and watched him quietly.

He sighed “his ex is a horrible person. She treated him like shit, and made him feel bad when he made a mistake. I don’t know everything, but I know she did get physical sometimes”

“That’s horrible he doesn’t deserve that”

“No he doesn’t. There was a trip we were on and he spilled her drink on accident. She cussed him out, and called him all these names. He was cleaning it up and she kicked him with her boot. I got a little rough shoving her away from him, but it should have never happened. He stayed and I don’t know why. I think he was afraid to leave her. It was like an intervention I swear. We all sat with him and told him he deserved better, and we helped him break it off”

“But he’s so sweet how could anyone treat him that way? I want to fix this”

He sighed again, and you could tell something was weighing on him “can I tell you the truth?”

You nodded, and he spoke “your the reason we’re here. We thought maybe you two would hit it off. We were worried for him … very worried. Josh has always been the most outgoing person, and it hurt watching him fade. Hannah said that you were single, and it was just a hunch. We just wanted to help him. I’m sorry I don’t want to pressure you”

“So that’s why everyone lied to him” now it made sense. “I don’t click with people. There’s never been a person I felt instantly connected too. Except yesterday when I laid eyes on Josh. It’s been a day, but I’m glad you brought him here. We’re both wounded, and because of that I think we can heal each other. Thank you Jake”

You decided to put there plan in motion. You got up to find Josh “Hey follow me”

You went out the gate and started walking down a rocky path. He didn’t ask where you were taking him nor did he care. He watched as the dogs switched between walking beside you to scanning the area ahead. You never minded the dogs running off when on your walks. You got closer to the mountains and Josh’s eyes began to glow. You hiked down to the river. A deep spot that nearly looked like a pond. The mountain ran above it making the spot secluded. “Look at this place. It’s breathtaking”

“It never fails to impress me. The waters cold I don’t usually get to swim. I just come here to relax”

He reached his hands in the water “I mean it’s not that cold”

“Wanna get in then tough guy?”

He reached to remove his shirt “wait!”. You took off running and he ran after you.

You made it to the top of the smallest cliff. “Your kidding me right?”

“What? Are you scared?” You teased him.

“Maybe a little. Sure it’s deep enough?”

Rolling your eyes at him you asked “do you trust me?”

“I do”

You took your shirt off revealing a lacy white bra, and panties to match. He looked away quickly, but his face already turned red. “It’s okay” you giggled

“Sorry” he said with his eyes glued to the ground.

“Don’t be. Human nature ya know. You’re turn”

He removed his shirt, and stripped down to his boxers. You placed your hands on his shoulders grabbing his attention “Listen whatever we went through let’s try to move past it. I’ve been scared too Josh. For two years I was afraid of any interaction with a man. I could barely go places by myself”

“What happened? Only if your comfortable to answer”

“Started at a party my drink got spiked. I don’t remember anything or if anything happened to me. I thought it was because he like me so I started dating him. He would hurt me often. I thought it was normal, and I convinced myself he loved me. The cycle continued until my friends got me help. It was relationship after relationship, and it was all the same. That’s what I thought I deserved I suppose. I’m still in therapy and I continue to get better every day”

“I guess it was my first serious relationship. Or so I thought, but I meant nothing to her. I never dated much in high school. All she did was yell at me. I couldn’t spend enough on her. It was never enough. She would hit me and it’s not that it hurt that bad. It hurt more knowing she wanted to harm me. I loved her, and she wanted nothing more than to hurt me. My brothers got me away from her thank goodness. I’m also in therapy I never thought it would help, but it has. And I know I’m so awkward, but it’s almost as if I don’t know how to act. No one’s ever been as gentle with me as you are”

“We will heal together. This jump is us letting go”

You reach out your hand, and counted down. With no hesitation he jumped with you. Falling farther than he thought, and his body rushed with adrenaline. You both hit the cold water, and gasp coming back up. He slicked his hair back, and tried to catch his breath. “I take it back this water is freezing”

“That was so fun Josh” you shouted holding his shoulders. “Oh my god I feel so alive. Do you feel it Josh?”

He nodded his head and wrapped his arms around your waist. You threw your arms on his neck. “Yeah I feel it”

You held on to him tight, feeling his heart beat against yours. You stayed in the water far too long in this cool weather. You just couldn’t make yourself let go. You put your forehead against his. “Can I kiss you?”

He smiled softly “I would love that”

You leaned in placing your lips to his. Your body felt warm for a minute. Like a shock of electricity ran through your veins. Your lips moved against him. You let the last kiss drag out before you pulled back “I cant feel my toes”

“I can’t feel a lot of things” he said, and you busted out laughing. You hiked back up to the top to grab your clothes and headed towards the house. You were shivering and your teeth were chattering. When you arrived back at the house you couldn’t feel a thing. Everyone was sitting outside, and their neck snapped around to look at you two.

“What the hell happened to you guys?” Jake asked

“Oh you know we just jumped off a cliff. No biggie” Josh teased.

“We left you two alone for an hour and you jump off a cliff” he laughed.

“I’m gonna go change, and start the fire” you kissed his cheek.

Causing everyone’s jaws to drop. “Did she just-?”

Everyone gasped excitedly, and Josh just seemed to glow. He nodded his head proudly, and started to tell the story. His hands were flying everywhere as he spoke in detail.

“Hot chocolates on the stove, and the fire has been started”

“Actually that sounds quite nice” Jake said.

As the temperature dropped everyone piled in the house. Laying around the living room with hot chocolate in hand. A cozy movie playing, and the lights turned down.

You turned off the stove, and stepped into the living room. Looking around the room seeing everyone so content. You just smiled wishing it could be like this forever. He noticed your giddy smile “Come here love”

You cuddled up beside him, and he threw the blanket over you two. The house was warm, and everyone was completely relaxed. You felt as if you were melting into Josh. You thought this might be the most comfortable you’ve ever been. Your eyes started to get heavy, and before you knew it sleep had taken over.

You feared for the end of this week. Knowing it was coming soon. He would leave and go back to his busy life. You would be here like you always are. For now his fingers ran through your hair, and his lips kissed your forehead. He couldn’t quit place the feeling he was feeling, but he knew one thing.

He was home.

[hunter470]

Here’s my imagination having fun.

TM: Let’s break up Buck and Tommy and make it really hurt. It’s gonna be great.

Writers: But, Tim, this doesn’t make sense. We’ve been laying the foundation for a long-term healthy relationship for Buck. You even brought Tommy back because of all the connections he had with the 118. You wanted Buck’s love interest to be connected so they wouldn’t be off on an island. This just feels like it’s coming out of left field.

TM: True, but I keep getting texts from Oliver and he wants “Buck to f**k” and I think that would be fun. I mean, he’s newly bi so he should sleep around with a bunch of people before finding the one. We can have a lot of fun with that. Just think of the possibilities.

Writers: But that goes against all the character development we’ve done for Buck over the last seven seasons. We wanted him off the hamster wheel and to get into a long term relationship. Plus, aren’t you being a bit biphobic with your statement?

TM: Nope, I like Oliver’s idea so let’s do that. Oh, and make Tommy the bad guy and don’t let any of the other characters encourage him to talk to Tommy. We can have fun with that…maybe have Buck baking to get over him or he wants to call Tommy and Eddie steals his phone. Yeah, I like that. Use it.

Writers: Are you sure? We’re gonna get a lot of pushback from the audience. We’ve all seen the overwhelmingly positive response the Buck and Tommy relationship has gotten online.

TM: That may be true, but because the audience is so invested in the relationship, it just makes it more fun when we break them up. Remember, based on our ratings, the audience will watch whatever we put out there. Besides, Tommy’s just a side character so they won’t care. They only care about Buck. Oh, and I wrote a whole scene about Tommy being engaged to Abby. Make sure to work it in. It’s genius.

Writers: Abby? As in the Abby Buck dated? That doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t fit the timeline or the previous episodes’ narrative. So, Abby was engaged to a firefighter from the 118 and then dates another firefighter from the 118 and what, it just slipped her mind? Seems like a bit of a stretch. Also, why didn’t Tommy tell anyone he worked with at the 118 that he was engaged? Wouldn’t that have helped him stay hidden from his team? Kept his secret safe?

TM: It doesn’t matter. Just retcon the timeline or ignore the timeline altogether. It’s not like anyone will notice. The audience doesn’t pay that close attention. Plus, they’ll be too upset over the breakup to care. It’s just such a great idea that I got from the fans who sent me that red string theory video. They’ll love the fact that I used it.

Writers: We’ve seen the video but that was to show how Buck and Tommy are meant to be together and not to cause problems. Won’t that upset people?

TM: I doubt it. They’ll just feel acknowledged that I used it and be grateful. The audience loves everything I do. Remember, these are the viewers who loved a bee-nado and my obvious ripoff on a 1975 airplane disaster movie. They even bought a 66 year old police sergeant and a 10 year old boy landing a heavily damaged plane on an active freeway in LA. So, it’s not like they expect reality in our stories.

One day after episode 6 airs…

ABC Executive: Tim, have you seen the number of saddened and upset viewers commenting on social media about last night’s episode?

TM: It’s amazing, right? I knew people would love it! We’re doing great things over there. You can expect this level of storytelling for the spinoff. You’re gonna love it!

Executive: I’m afraid you didn’t hear me. People are upset and saying they’ll stop watching the show. We’re even getting hundreds of feedback messages on the ABC site. People are not happy. How are you going to fix this?

TM: Don’t worry. People won’t stop watching. They’re all lemmings and love everything I write. Anyway, it will all blow over after the next episode. I threw in some Tommy crumbs that will make viewers think he’s coming back, which they’ll live off of and keep watching. Oh, and if that’s not enough, we have a scene with Buck and Jee baking that is so cute they’ll forget all about being upset over the breakup. Cute kids are the answer to everything.

Executive: 🤦🏻‍♂️

[lehnsherrrr]

Mitski + Cherik

I have a playlist of every single Mitski song ever made playing constantly 24 hours of my day for the past 2 years, I also went to see her live. I’ll be damned if I don’t make this post. (Also this has been in the drafts for like 3 weeks now)

So, at first, I was listening to Mitski and was like whoah the song “old friend” is perfect for cherik. And then the song “Eric” came on and I was dumbfounded, so here’s an explanation of lyrics and how they apply to Cherik.

Also I suck at making edits so this is technically the same thing but using your imagination instead.

“We nearly drowned for such a silly thing”

Charles diving into the ocean to save Erik. But this could also mean drowning in their decisions, they almost lost each other because of their beliefs. Such a silly thing to loose each other over.

“Someone who loves me now better than you”

This line makes me believe this song is from Erik’s perspective, either talking about Charles, or Magda. However I like the idea that it’s Charles he talks about since it’s the very start of the song. It might even be implied that “better than you” is implying Shaw.

“And that pretty friend is finally yours”

100% talking about Moira, boy is bitter. All of this so far is talking from the future looking on the past, so that previous line may be talking about Magda after all.

“I’ll be around on Sunday, if you’ll meet me at the blue diner, I’ll take coffee and talk about nothing baby”

Erik meeting Charles at the end of Dark Pheonix. Isn’t it nice to talk about nothing for once, instead of arguing about mutant rights or trying to save the world. They can finally relax together and just be people.

“At the blue diner, I’ll take anything you wanna give me, baby”

Switch to Charles perspective. Agreeing to stay with Erik.

This song is short but wonderful, I’ve only focused on the first half of the song because it fits far too well. The other part fits too but this was too specific.

The way it starts with how they met, then when they left eachother for other people, and then ending with them rejoining. Perfect few lyrics almost like they were made just for them.

And to top it all off, it’s called Old Friend. Thats CRAZY.

“Sorry I can’t take your touch”

Erik leaving at the end of pretty much every movie, the touch being Charles love and want for him to stay with the xmen, with him.

“It’s just that I fell in love with a war”

Erik’s constant belief that there’s a war coming and he needs to fight it first. He chooses this again and again over Charles, one could say he loves it more than he loves Charles.

“Nobody told me it ended”

Still fighting for the war he believes in, even though Charles has been working so hard for mutant rights and has done a lot of good work.

“And it left a pearl in my head, and I roll it around every night, just to watch it glow. Every night baby that’s where I go.”

That anger and sadness that stays within him, stuck in his brain, part of him. Memories of Charles, hating him, loving him. He sits with it every night, going over everything again and again. Also visual of Erik floating them little metal balls.

Beautiful song, good lord. This is all about Erik choosing the war over Charles, there’s also something about the imagery of sitting with a ‘pearl’ in his mind is so very Erik.

“But how long, how long can we play this way?”

Playing as in going back and forth, fighting, making up, fighting again. This is definitely from Charles perspective.

“I’m tired, I’m tired of not loving you”

Charles is tired of not being able to show Erik how much he loves him, he just wants him home.

“My heart, my heart wants to hold you”

All he wants to do it is be with Erik, he wants to comfort him again and show him he’s not evil, that there’s good in there too.

“But I know, I know, I know the rules”

But he knows the rules of this game, he knows they couldn’t ever be together. Be it their opposing beliefs, homophobia, or just the way they are. Perhaps also the rules as in the movie won’t allow it, their writing won’t allow it.

Painful. Other lyrics in the song are more sexual, which also fits if you’d like it to. First line of the song is “you like control, well I do to” and that would be a killer title for a dark cherik fic. They both control their environment in different ways.

“One word from you and I would jump off of this ledge I’m on, baby”

Charles telepathy, could be from any of the students, especially those from the first movie who later died. However it’s painful to think that it’s Erik saying “You’re a telepath Charles, you can convince me of anything.”

Also on that note, the ledge could also refer to delving deeper into his dark side, it would take one mean word from Charles and he’d get so much worse.

Or perhaps he means the ledge in which he’s raised himself to as a super villain, and he knows Charles could bring him down from it.

“Tell me don’t so I can crawl back in”

See my other post about Erik subtly begging Charles to control him. He knows he’ll always pick his cause over staying with Charles, he wants Charles to force him to stay. Get rid of his option to choose so he can crawl back to comfort. Be gone with his righteousness, and just be simple and safe with him.

The title of the song being First Love/Late Spring hurts me. Was mitski an xmen fan or what Jesus.

Left this one until last cause I don’t want to teach a grandma to suck eggs here, I’m sure you already know what’s about to go down. Nonetheless, it would be criminal for me to leave it out. Ready for some Charles angst? Too bad!

“Baby, my baby,”

Raven, Angel, Darwin, Banshee, Havok, adopted into the xmen with nowhere else to go but return to their unfortunate lives.

“Tell your baby that I’m your baby”

The first xmen looking on to the current, looking at who Charles ‘replaced’ them with.

“I bet on loosing dogs”

Charles putting his trust into those first kids, knowing they were young, but it was the last hope. He better is all on them.

“I know they’re loosing and pay for my place by the ring”

He knows they couldn’t stand a chance, but there was that hope. Perhaps if he trained them, gave them the right motivation, they could survive.

“Where I’ll be looking in their eyes when they’re down”

He’s with them the whole way, in their minds, in their spirits. These kids had fight in them, but they were still kids.

“I’ll be there on their side, I’m loosing by their side.”

When they loose, he looses with them. The xmens fate stands on the strength of those kids. Charles grief over loosing these kids makes him catatonic, wishing he had died instead. He was with them all the way, and yet he still hears “Where were you Charles” “You abandoned all of us”