#there were so many good tk hugs to choose from!

[guardian-angle22]

Hey

I had such a sweet dream a few days ago and wanted to tell someone, so I thought I'll tell you.

I was friends with the 126 or worked there, I'm not sure. I was friends with TK and when he saw that I wasn't feeling well he gave me a hug.

Aw, that's a lovely dream! Thanks for sharing with me. 💜

Maybe we can manifest you some more good dreams of TK hugs with a little mini TK Hug Hall of Fame

[otomiyaa]

Re: 💌

Finally getting to respond to those who were so kind to me in messages, comments, and reblogs in the past week! @otomiya-tickles was a blog with mainly tickle fics, but you guys definitely made it feel like there was more to it :)

I piled all my answers into one big post and will treasure them for as long as Tumblr decides to keep me online this time 🤭

@lovelymessybubbly: Ahhh I remember sending that ask long ago and always wondered if you received it. I still think the timing (of my leave and your return) is ridiculous hehehe, but I'm also glad to stick around and to see you back! I hope the hiatus has been good^^

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@dokidoki-muffin: absolutely honored to have inspired you and not only that, I think you're a great friend and I love our chats and our recent collab had me filled with joy^^ !! 🧁

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@fluffandgiggles: I love your blog, the fics you write and the fandoms you choose and your kind personality, I'm glad you got to go from anon to your own blog and hope you can have fun with it for as long as you like to!

@skayleay: Sending love back to you, thank youu*w*

@beth-bethar00: Thank you 🥺

@tiredleekaz: Your message made me giggle hehe thank you for the support for the x amount of years, I also realized how easy it is to lose count when I think of all my different 'tumblr eras' 😂

@lilliee0: Sorry you had to find out this way hehe, and thank you! My account is in a good place *dramatic music plays* (no it's actually not lmao)

@rachi-roo: The Real OG 😳 I'm not sure I can accept that compliment but I thank you for it!! :3

@blobbirobbi: Sending love right back, also your tickle stories are always welcome hohoho

Anon #1: Heheh right! I know I"ve once said that even if I would quit my blog, I would never deactivate voluntarily (and definitely not without announcement) so it would have to be Tumblr to take care of that. To think that actually happened :). Hope you have a lovely day too!

Anon #2: Ahh I'm glad I could help introducing you to the tk community! Thank you for enjoying my fics, all the best to you too!^^

@infrequent-creator: Don't miss me yet, I won't be gone entirely :) I'll be here, and I'll be loud. Just my fic production will come to an indefinite stop, or break. Who knows.

@yourgigglebugmaya: Ahhh that flatters me! Thank you so much^^

@shyanon01: Thank you for the sweet message!

@hakurei-k: Hahaha! Well I'm still here too and ready to adore Solomon together.

@dirtpie39: I had to google that lololol ('sike'). Thank you for re-following^^

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@sunstone-smiles: T-T thank you a lot!!

@moongeonight: 4 years ago!! ahhh I'm happy to hear it and hope you're still having fun! :D

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@shy-lee-chu: Love you sweetie, I won't write many new fics so hope you won't be bored by me ;)

@eliankrios: Elian, I'm definitely okay thank you! I'll be mainly here to eat up the content you post ^^

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@flames-tstuff: I DON'T DESERVE YOU! ❤️❤️ Hehe answering all these messages to me feels like an entire ceremony already 🙈 And thank youuu, those 13k posts and 7k followers were from a total of 7 years of active fic writing on Tumblr though for a ton of various fandoms, I don't deserve too much credit for it ^^

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@kusuguricafe: Thank you for staying with me too 😘

@crazy-as-a-jaybird: *hug* thank youuuu T-T

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@ticklystuff: Thank you so much, will do!! I am reviving my animal crossing island (inspired by you and sezzie🤭)

@fantasizes-tickles-daily: I read about so many heartattacks and feel so sorry hehe, thank you for finding me again and for supporting my new one!^^ I can't believe I even considered not making a new blog. Your blog alone gives me the serotonin I need.

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@intheticklecloset: Thank you for the kind words and support!! T-T I look forward to enjoying the community from the sideline hehe:)

@ppystkposts: All these from anon to blogger stories make me kick my feet in delight! It's a chain reaction, I'm sure you will inspire others to start their blog as well. Your art and kindness most surely will do that^^ thank you for the support!

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@giggly-squiggily: waaa that's so sweet, thank youuuu!*0* I'll remember it!^^

@fanfic-chan: Ahhhh thank youu:D I used to call my blog my happy place and am more than happy to turn this one into that as well. Thank you for your message!

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@tickle-panile, @kiwithelee, @ticklish-sidekick, @mai-mei thank you for your concern*w*!

Special thanks to @lovelynim and @wertzunge for their instant share of my update, to @ticklygiggles for dealing with the questions about my absence, even the nasty ones. Sigh, I don't like they were rude to you! ah and also, it was Mia's message I woke up to when my blog was gone x) Never forget.

....and also ofc special speciaaaaal thanks to everyone else who reached out in DMs (I hope I answered you by now but will check soon), and to my dear friends on discord 😘

even though tumblr makes it look like my blog never existed, my evil spirit will live on and I'll keep being annoying 🤣

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If I forgot anyone's message I deeply apologize ToT !!!!

[reyesstrand]

top tarlos scenes

thanks for the breakdown @rosedavid @alrightbuckaroo @strandnreyes @fitzherbertssmolder <3 this was fully the hardest thing i’ve ever had to do and i’m sure i’ll remember one later i would’ve wanted here and i 1000% cheated during this but :-) here we go, in no particular order:

2x04: “i don’t care, okay? as long as you need”

i was going to start of with the police station scene (which got me to watch the show) or the 1x10 firehouse hug, but this scene still feels so important. nevermind the fact that there were sooo many emotions going into this episode after the “are we breaking up?” promo, this scene is one that proves that although they’ve come so far in their communication skills, the foundation of love and support has been there since the beginning. i love tk not apologizing for his little bitch outburst because deep down he does want everyone to know he’s carlos’ boyfriend, and i love him adding that while he isn’t sorry, he does need to acknowledge safety in relationships and how carlos’ experience differs from his own. i also love that this showed tk not caring how long it might take for carlos to be comfortable, while also telling him nothing stays the same (and essentially becoming the catalyst for carlos to bring these different facets of his life together, and for him to live authentically with everyone. tk becoming the KEY THAT UNLOCKED CARLOS so early on, especially given the context of s4, is so good).

3x04: breathe, breathe, breathe

everyone includes push and you know what….it’s what she deserves. this culmination of a weeks-long arc that was done so beautifully it felt monumental, and seeing the way they choose each other and choose love, seeing the way they fight for each other, seeing the way tk literally is moments out of having a breathing tube down his throat and is telling carlos to breathe, seeing the way carlos just collapses on tk and tk holds him close….insane. beautiful. them coming home and celebrating with the rest of the 126 at the push-in ceremony too is just the cherry on top of a stunning episode.

3x05/4x18: middle of the night comfort

i’m putting them together because i can’t choose and nobody can make me. just these two instances of tk seeking carlos out in the middle of the night in such different contexts makes my heart ache. the fact that carlos is instantly comforted by tk’s presence both times. the fact that tk can pass out on carlos’ arm and snuggle up with him while he solves a kidnapping case. the fact that carlos doesn’t even need to say the words about postponing the wedding and tk reassures him and promises he’s not going anywhere. so so so good. (going to put my honourable mention(s) here of just….every little moment of love that speaks the loudest—them touching and showing small acts of intimacy and domesticity—because they mean the world).

3x13: all of it…but specifically the dinner scene and the photo album scene

this whole episode is one i could rewatch a hundred times and cry every time. it’s so beautifully written and acted and you feel each character have an oh moment (carlos’ regarding his place in tk’s recovery and how it doesn’t change his value, and tk’s regarding his personal knowledge he’s going to marry this man) which i love. the dinner scene is one of the most pivotal to their relationship, and coupled with the photo album scene, their vulnerabilities and enduring love for each other get to come out and be explored. this episode truly puts into perspective how the vows they speak nearly a full season later are just verbalizations of how they’ve cared for and loved each other all along.

4x02/4x16: soulmateism

both of these scenes (4x02’s “probably the day i met you” and 4x16’s “hi, you’re tk, i’m carlos, and we’re soulmates”) changed the trajectory of my life. i wish i was kissing. i still do double-takes when i see gifs, like….we actually got these? they said these things to each other? “dude”? not one but two uses of “baby” from carlos? the way they’ve saved each other and had these big feelings since the very beginning? the way both scenes confirm things about their pasts and the bits we didn’t see if their early relationship and proving that tk only ran because he was feeling these big things, same as carlos, and was terrified? the way carlos uses jokes at bad times as a coping mechanism before he literally spits some heartfelt poetic lines? these scenes truly function as a pair in my heart and i can’t choose between them so!

honourable mentions: proposal(s), the entirety of the wedding including cut scenes, carlos bringing home lou 2, 4x04 with tk working with gabriel to save carlos and using narcan on him and carlos telling trudy gwyn’s love flows through him, and 3x08 with carlos’ first on-screen i love you/going to get them some food (FOOD AS A LOVE LANGUAGE!!)/the tarmac hug

no pressure tagging @carlos-in-glasses @rmd-writes @welcometololaland @paperstorm @chaotictarlos @marjansmarwani @morganaspendragonss @lutavero @sunshinestrand @unstatedmartini

[kiloskywalker]

I am now curious about what your favorite Tarlos scene is.

I knew you were going to ask me this question, and I was still not prepared. So you get a crazy rambling answer from the Flight Crew Lounge at the San Francisco Airport as I'm waiting to go back to DC. So be prepared.

There are literally so many moments that it's almost impossible to choose, I know everyone probably says this but I mean it. But if I had to narrow it down, I would definitely say a similar answer to you. My favorite scene is when Carlos finds TK on the couch looking at photo albums after his bad call and his subsequent choice to blow off his meeting. I read a really good fic from Carlos's perspective that was a coda to this episode (right after Carlos leaves the loft at the end) and kind of wrote about my thoughts in a comment, so this is it expanded. The fic is called "This Love We Carry" and its by @thevenstar, you can find it here, I highly recommend it.

I liked the episode from a Carlos characterization too. I'm gonna preface this by saying that I read a lot into characters and between the lines when it comes to dialogue and I'm sure that I interpreted certain moments and scenes differently than others, but that is the point of writing and discussion. Throughout the season its seemed as though he has an innate desire to help people in any way. We saw this too in 2x08 when he makes the risky choice to let the man with the bomb go, but we saw it a lot this season with his desire to help TK (and more importantly keep him safe). Carlos loves TK so much that he wants to keep him safe in as many ways as he can (honestly who can blame him!), and gets upset if he cannot do so and IMHO we saw this in three big instances that I can pull off the top of my head:

1x08 he's visibly upset and crying while visiting TK in the hospital after he was shot.

2x08 there's a close up shot of him holding TK after the EMS crew was rescued. The one where you can see TK's head kinda droop and it looks like he's passing out a bit, but Carlos has what I can describe as a kind of scared/empty look in his eyes. I interpreted it as being genuinely scared for what could have happened.

2x12 after the fire when he's trying to keep a straight face after the fire and eventually lets go, apologizing for not having a fire extinguisher in the bedroom

3x08 in several places: (a)-Carlos wishes he could make everything better (take away TK's pain) (b)-the reunion hug at the airport, most notably when Carlos says "I kept thinking, I'm the one that put him on the plane" *** (we'll come back to this later)

3x12 his first thought after hearing about Sadie being the baddie was to find TK, only to try and get to him but to also pass out as well *** (we'll come back to this as well)

3x13 the entire episode (see below lol)

I'm sure there's more but that's all that I can think about in my head right now. But anyway, we've established that Carlos has a desire to keep people (mostly TK) safe. And I think that to some extent, he harbors some guilt about the times that he has failed to do so namely: not having a fire extinguisher in their bedroom so they are trapped in a horrible situation where they almost die in their own home, putting him on a plane that then has a mechanical emergency and having to watch helplessly from the ground, not realizing soon enough that Sadie was in fact a crazy person who assaulted the both of them in there own home again (etc)... 3x13 was such a wake-up call for him. It was the first time that he truly had to deal with the consequences of TK's addiction, not to mention his other issues (I'm positive at this point TK's grief has morphed into a depression of some sort, its quite common). These issues are so much more different than what he's used to and cannot necessarily be solved by something as simple as keeping extra up-to-date fire extinguishers in every room. You can tell that Carlos sort of doesn't really know what to do, so he reverts to being the normal, loving, sweet, caring partner he's always been for TK. In fact, he says things like "I know I haven't been in the program, but if there's anything that you want to get off your chest..." And then there's the whole business with Cooper, TK's sponsor.

I definitely do not think Carlos is jealous. I mean, it felt like the writers tried to do that for a little bit during the time where Carlos first met Cooper (that whole scene was pretty funny actually), but I think everything changed on that end when Carlos woke up in the middle of the night to find TK in the living room on the phone with him, and then subsequently their "dinner" discussion (you framed it as not a fight--which I agree with). There definitely is a part of Carlos that's jealous, not because TK is hanging out with someone who's really handsome (Carlos doesn't care about that part there's a whole line about it: "You know he's straight right?" "Why does that matter?"), but rather he's jealous of the fact that there is someone who TK feels is actually able to help him who isn't his boyfriend who loves him more than anything else in the world and just wants to keep him safe (there's another line about that as well: "I just feel like he's getting parts of you that I'm not getting). Side note: this also leads into my favorite Tarlos lines (outside of TK's proposal):

Carlos: I just feel like he's getting parts of you that I'm not getting. TK: You don't want those parts. Carlos: I do! I want all of it. TK: You have all of me Carlos. Carlos: Do I? TK: Yes! UGH SO GOOD. Anyway, up to this point, 3x13 felt like an exploration of Carlos's inner anxiety telling him that TK finally realized that Carlos couldn't protect him and thus he found someone who could. You can actually see him come to that realization when he says "I'm not enough, you mean." when TK is telling him about how he needs people in his life who have been in the trenches with their own addictions who can help in ways that Carlos can't. TK, bless his heart, is trying to tell Carlos that there are definitely times when he won't be able to help in all the ways he can, and that Carlos has to trust that TK knows how to get help when he needs it.

Okay *phew*, we've spent all that time explaining the background now its time for me to (finally) answer the question originally asked: why is the scene above my favorite? Carlos sees TK in pain and he isn't truly getting the help that he talked about needing. He didn't go to his meeting, he didn't call his sponsor. He's just choosing to listen to his sad boi playlist (I assume) and let the depression consume him. Carlos has finally come to the realization that by calling Cooper himself (even after running a background check), he IS helping TK in the way that TK himself has said he needs it. I think that realization is beautiful in a way, he's recognizing that TK has chosen to get help and fight the battles he needs to fight because he wants to get better and Carlos calling Cooper reaffirms that he knows TK was making a choice and that he respects that choice and need to get better. I think after this scene, the boys were truly in the strongest place they could have been, especially after the tumultuous relationship they've had and the traumas they've been through. I'm sorry this turned into an essay. I honestly love Tarlos so much and can talk literal volumes about them as you can tell. Trust me.

[eelistolvanen]

Bruises that you left behind - Travis Konecny Pt.2

A/N: Well, I finally got around to write part 2. Thank you to everyone that reblogged, commented or like part 1. I hope you like this part and let me know if you want more :) The story definitely isn’t over yet ;)

Words: 4.3k

Warnings: Angst, some swearwords, no proofread (if i missed any let me know)

If you haven’t read Part 1 I strongly advise you to do so, otherwise this isn’t gonna make sense :) 

Italics indicate flashbacks

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Once you finally calmed down, Nolan got up and made you a cup of hot chocolate. He knew it was your feel-good drink. He’d made you some before when you had bad days.

“Didn’t think you remembered. It’s been a while.” You nose was still running and you were sniffling quietly but the sobbing had stopped.

“You’re my best friend, of course I would remember.” He handed you the cup before sitting down next to you.

“But he’s your best friend too. And I didn’t want you to have to choose between us. After what happened I mean. So I let you go.” You knew it sounded bitter but you couldn’t help it, you needed to tell him.

“He’s not though. Not anymore.” His expression turned sad. “I will never be able to forgive him for what he’s done to you. Done to me. He’s the reason I lost my best friend. Both my best friends actually.”

“But you see him every day. You play together-“ The words died on your lips, you didn’t really know where you were going with this.

“He’s my teammate, yes. But I don’t consider him a friend anymore. And I don’t think many on the team do either. He’s changed, you know. He’s completely shut himself out. He doesn’t hang out with the team anymore. And to be honest I haven’t talked to him outside anything hockey related in months.”

Your heart felt heavy in your chest hearing about Travis.

“I don’t really care, Nolan.”

“No, I know. I just.. I guess what I’m trying to say is… I’m on your side. An for all it’s worth the team is too, y,know. And we all miss you, it’s just not the same without you.” He gave you a sad smile. You knew it was supposed to be comforting but it wasn’t working. Your eyes started to water again.

“Hey, hey, don’t feel guilty, okay? Everyone understood why you left. It’s just that you were a part of everyone’s life here too. And no one really understood why he did what he did. Ha, you should have seen G the day TK stepped foot into the locker room the first day back at camp. We thought he was going to rip him into shreds.”

You let out a shaky chuckle. “I miss the team too you know. They were like family to me. Believe me nothing was harder than leave my friends here behind.”

Silence fell between the two of you. You wanted to bring up that you had kept in contact with Ryanne and Maddie. Even if only sporadically. But you knew that Nolan would feel betrayed at that, with good reason.

You could feel Nolan fiddling with his hands, anxious to bring something up that was lying on the tip of his tongue.

“Just spit it out, Nolan.” You tried to brace yourself for what was about to come but you nothing could really prepare you for this conversation.

“Why did he.. I mean what was the reason, you know. He never told me the real reason…”

You felt your heart stop at his words, you had to take a couple of deep breaths before answering.

“I don’t know, Nolan. He just left me. No reason.”

“But I thought he left you a letter or a note or something?” His words were cautious, unsure if he was even allowed to ask.

“I… I never opened the letter, Nolan. I didn’t want to hear it back then.”

“So where is it now? I mean… maybe you need that closure.” His eyes were soft, searching for yours.

“I burned it. Right after the wedding. I didn’t care about his excuses. He left anyway, all it would do was inflict more pain. So I just burned the letter.”  

“Oh..” He fell silent, obviously not expecting this answer from you. The letter wouldn’t have changed anything. But now you couldn’t shake the thought out of your head.

“Why wasn’t I good enough, Nolan? What did I do wrong?” Suddenly everything felt too much. Tear running down your face again, the sobs were returning and you were having a hard time keeping your breathing steady.

“Why, Nolan? Why did he leave me? Why wasn’t I good enough for him?”

Nolan pulled you into his chest. No matter what he would say, this was going to hurt.

“I don’t know why he did what he did. I was as surprised as everyone else when he told me. I tried to change his mind, I swear. But he just didn’t listen.”

“What happened that day Nolan? Before you came to me?”

He pulled back to look you in the eye, agony evident on his face.

“I can’t do it, Pat.” Nolan turned around, Travis was wearing a pained expression on his face, shoulders slumped down, he looked absolutely defeated.

“What do you mean, Teeks? It’s gonna be fine, everyone gets nervous.” Nolan took a few steps towards Travis and put his hand on his shoulder, giving it a slight squeeze. Travis moved away from his touch and turned his head away from Nolan.

“I can’t marry her! I just I can’t do it, Pat. I’m too young, I’m not ready!”

Nolan looked at him like he had grown to heads. Anger started to rise up in him.

“Yes you can. Now is not the time to get cold feet. You’re just nervous Teeks.” His tone was starting to get louder and more frantic.

“I… I can’t. You have to go and tell her. The wedding’s o-.” Before Travis could fully finish the sentence Nolan had grabbed him by the collar of his dress shirt and pressed him against the wall. His jaw was locked shut and his eyes were furiously glaring at him. Nolan took a deep, slow breath before speaking through gritted teeth.

“No! You’re NOT gonna do this to her! Get your act together Travis. You’re going to walk down that aisle and –“ “I CAN’T DO IT, OK?” Travis’ sudden outburst of anger left Nolan frozen. Slowly his grip on Travis loosened. The anger and fury on his face disappeared and was replaced by something else. An emotion Travis rarely had ever seen on Nolan’s face. Complete and utter disappointment. He let go of the fabric in his hands.

“Why?! At least give me a reason why.” His eyes bore into Travis’ soul. He had to face away.

“I can’t do it. It’s not the right thing to do. I’m too young, we’re too young. It was just a stupid hasty decision, this wouldn’t work. Nolan, you know-“

Nolan dismissed him with a quick hand gesture. He shook his head.

“Save yourself the cheap excuses. I know you better than that, you can’t lie to me…”

“It’s not a lie, Nol-“  “Yes, it is and you know it! You realise that this is going to ruin everything, right? God, the real reason better be something good…”

Nolan slowly turned around and started walking out the door. But before he fully shut it close he turned to Travis one last time.

“I’m never going to forgive you for doing this. And you’ll spent the rest of your life regretting this decision, I’ll tell you that!” An with that he was out of the door, slowly making the hardest walk he’ll ever have to do. To tell you that your fiancé has left you on your wedding day.    

 Once Nolan finished you stayed silent. How were you supposed to respond to this? Travis’ reasoning didn’t make any sense to you. After a while Nolan spoke up again.

“I know there has to be an other reason. I just know… I just don’t know what it is.”

You sighed deeply, defeated. “It doesn’t matter Nolan. It wouldn’t change anything.”

“Maybe it would. You don’t know.” His voice was barely above a whisper, unsure if you wanted to hear this. You didn’t answer and he knew you well enough that it was time to drop the subject.

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Hanging out with Nolan more also meant hanging out with his girlfriend. Not that you minded. You liked her. She was nice, had a good sense of humour and didn’t seemed to mind that you and Nolan were so close. And you had to give her credit for that.

She lived close to you and since she and Hannah were neighbours you started to hang out with her more and more. Even if Nolan wasn’t around. Sometimes with Hannah as well, recently also without her. Only the two of you. You weren’t exactly sure how much she knew about your past but she knew enough about it to not bring it up.

Tonight was no different. Work was finished for today, Hannah was in her evening yoga class and Nolan was on a roadtrip.  Not long after dropping your things at your apartment you made your way to Kelsey’s apartment.  

By the time you arrived Kelsey had already started to prepare for dinner. After joining her in the kitchen you started to figure out just how much food she was preparing.

“That’s a lot of food Kels. Are you trying to feed an army, or what?” You jokingly asked, only was your smile swept of your face once you looked at Kelsey. The guilty expression on her face left you frozen.

“Please don’t be mad!” She quickly replied and before you could even question what she meant she had already dropped the surprise on you.

“I invited the girls. It’s the first away game of the season so some of the girls decided to hang out. And I know were really good friends with them, so…”

You stayed silent. You should have know that you couldn’t avoid them forever, especially after starting to hang out with Nolan again. She meant well, you knew that, but you were also incredibly nervous meeting them again. Kelsey took your silence as a bad sign.

“I’m sorry, Y/N. I didn’t mean to-“

“No, don’t worry. It’s fine. I’m just surprised that is all. And I don’t really know what to expect, so..”

She gave you a soft smile. “They’re happy to see you, if that eases your nerves.”

 And they really were. The girls engulfed you in hugs, telling you over and over again how happy they were to see you. You weren’t really sure if you deserved their kindness, after all were you the one that left. But they didn’t seem to hold you responsible for it and seemed understanding enough. You were also more than thankful that they didn’t really bring any of it up. And as you were sitting on the couch next to Maddie later that evening, you couldn’t help but feel like a missing part of you had returned. After all they used to be like a second family to you.

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A couple of nights later you found yourself sitting between Ryanne and Maddie at Wells Fargo Centre. You initially pitched against going to a game with the girls but after seemingly endless messages from the girls, especially Maddie, Ryanne and Alma, you finally gave in. In return they promised to make sure you wouldn’t have to see him and if you would feel uncomfortable they would bring you home.

But you were actually enjoying the game. You used to love going to games and you realised now that even seeing him from afar couldn’t stop you from having fun with the girls. This was enough distance to tell yourself that he was just some hockey player, that just so happened to play for the home team. And there was enough distraction around to forget that he even really existed. Between catching up with the girls and entertaining Gavin, you barely had enough time to even pay attention to the game.

You were just about to lower yourself back into your seat after the second intermission, as a high pitched scream caught your attention. A couple rows in front of you was a bleach blonde girl screaming Travis’ name as the team made their way back onto the benches. You immediately recognized the type of girl she was. You turned to Maddie.

“Almost forgot about those girls, god I certainly haven’t missed seeing them at games,-”

“Or at bars, or literally anywhere near the team? Yeah, they still exist.” Replied Maddie with a humorless laugh. “Not my kind of crowd, but some seem to like it.”

You internally debated whether to ask her what she meant by that, but ultimately choose against it. The 3rd was about to start anyway. The rest of the game passed in a hurry and before you knew it you were walking towards Kelsey’s car. She offered to drive since the two of you lived close by anyway. And Nolan was one of the slower guys out there, so he would just drive himself to Kelsey’s once he was finished.

“Out of all the placed I imagined I’d run into you, this certainly was the last on my list.” You froze. You thought you left quick enough to make sure not to run into any of the players. Apparently you were wrong. You debated if it was best to just ignore him but decided against it.

“Hey, Kev.” You turned to face him with a shy smile.

“Hi Tiny” he replied with a beaming smile. You wanted to be mad at him for using this nickname, but quickly folded and accepted his hug.

“I can’t believe you were able to avoid me for over 2 years.” Although he was joking you detected a sadness that was laced into his voice. You scoffed.

“I didn’t avoid you, Kev. I-“ You defended.

“No, don’t. You don’t have to apologize Y/N, I get it. We all get it. I know you didn’t actively avoid me. I just wish it hadn’t taken us over a year of you being back in Philly to finally cross paths again.”

He wasn’t even trying to hide sadness this time.

“I know. Me too.” You gave him an encouraging smile.

“Can you do me a favor? Unblock me? So we can finally catch up.” His voice was light and you knew then that he wasn’t mad at you for blocking him. Well, you blocked pretty much everyone.

“I have a new number now. But I’ll text you. Okay?” He laughed silently. “Perfect.” And just as you were turning back towards the car he quietly muttered.

“I knew you blocked me and it wasn’t a broken phone like Ryanne told me.”  You looked over your shoulder back at him, a glint in his eyes.

“I had to, Kev.” You replied more to yourself than him.

“I know.” And with that you made your way towards Kelsey who was already waiting in her car for you.

----------

You were crying of laughter, embarrassingly loud in the middle of your favourite café as Kevin told you one of his many ridiculous offseason stories.

“No, Y/N, I swear this is how it happened.” He deep voice filled with laughter, his hands animatedly held up in the air.  

Once you recovered from your fit you looked up at him again, only to start giggling again as soon as you looked at his facial expression.

“I swear, I’m not kidding.” His voice was sincere, which made the story even more ridiculous.

“I believe you Kev. Ahh, it’s just so crazy.” You wiped the tears from your eyes as you continued “You always know how to make me laugh.”

He nodded and his smile turned wicked. “Are you going to admit now that you missed me? I can handle that you avoided me. But saying that you didn’t miss me hurt. It wounded me.”

You dramatically rolled your eyes at him. “Yeah yeah, I’m sure you nearly died from the pain.”

“I did! Like a dagger into my heart, Y/N.” But he wasn’t able to keep a straight face for long. You expression turned serious again.

“I did miss you Kev. So much. I misses all of you. You, Nolan, the girls, the team. You used to be my second family. I hate that I gave it all up because of him. I just thought everyone would be on his side, after all I only met all of you because of him. I know now that this wasn’t the case. That you’re on his side I mean.”

Kevin stayed silent for a bit, contemplating what he was about to say.

“We might have only met you through him, but that doesn’t mean we didn’t love you just as much. Or even more. You were probably the reason we loved him so much. You have always been the best part of him.” You felt something tug at your heart. It always felt so heavy talking about him, as if talking about some dead person. In a way that was what it felt like. Him leaving felt as final as a loved one dying. There was a part of you that you lost that day, a part that you wouldn’t get back.    

“Do you think if I’d done things differently that..-“ A lump started to form in your throat again. You didn’t want to go down this road, still somehow it always dragged you back into it as soon as he came up.

“Don’t Y/N. Don’t do this to yourself. It was him, not you. There was nothing you could have done.”

You bravely nodded. You were fighting the tears that were threatening to spill.

“Don’t blame yourself, ok? You have to move forward. What’s in the past is in the past. No one can change it now.” He took your hands into his and gave you an encouraging smile.

“Remember what you always told me? Whenever you used to do something that surprised me? That you’re a-“

“A total badass. I’m a total badass and can do anything.” You replied with a smile on your face. “Ah, I almost forgot about that.” You chuckled.

“Don’t forget it! You are too strong to let yourself break over some dumb hockey player.”

The two of you dropped the Travis subject and moved onto better things. You told him about work, your new friends, about home and he told you about Boston, his parents and everything else that he felt was somehow of importance. After a while you felt Kevin starting to get quiet and thoughtful. An indicator that something was on his mind.

“Can I ask you something?” He seemed slightly on edge asking you this. You laughed.

“I was wondering how long it would take you to speak up. What’s on your mind Kev?”

He looked at you for a second, taxing your expression.

“The team Halloween party is next week. And everyone has someone who does a costume with them, so…”

“No, Kev! I’m not coming to the Flyers Halloween party. Absolutely not.” You crossed your arms over your chest. You already let enough people back into your life. Turning up at a teams party was a whole new level. One that you didn’t intend to take.

“Please, Y/N! I can’t go alone. We go as friends, with some amazing costumes. You love Halloween, you can’t say no.” You rolled your eyes as Kevin started pouting at you. Him pouting like a puppy was the last thing you needed, you were basically screwed.

“I’m not part of the team, Kev. And it’s a team’s party.” You tried but deep down you new that Kevin had the better arguments. He was right, you loved Halloween.

“You used to be. And you still are. Everyone wants you to come. I need you to come. I will even let you choose the costumes. And I will be whatever or whoever you want. Please, Y/N.”

He basically had you trapped now. You couldn’t say no to that offer. Unless…

“He’s part of the team. He’s gonna be there and the last thing I want is having to see him.” This was your last resort. Really, it was the only good reason. Kevin let out a sigh of relief.

“He won’t be there, Y/N. I promise. He hasn’t been at a teams party in years. We don’t even bother to invite him anymore. He won’t be there, I promise.”

Game over, Kevin had won. You gave in. Nolan had already mentioned that Travis wasn’t part of any team’s event anymore unless it was officially required.

“Fine. But I get to choose our costumes.” You barely finished the sentence before Kevin swept you up into his arms.

“Whatever you want, princess.”  

--------

This was how you ended up at Claude and Ryanne’s house on Halloween. Kevin surprisingly kept his promise. Dressing up in the most ridiculous outfit. You wore matching 80s aerobics outfits. Only was Kev’s leotard probably two sizes to small and in combination with the pink leggings, the neon green legwarmers, the white sneakers and the yellow sweatbands the wildest thing you’d seen in your life. Your colour scheme was slightly less flamboyant. Still you felt like you’d just escaped out of a 80s sports magazine.

You weren’t the only one who was absolutely baffled by Kevin’s willingness to rock such an outfit. The entire team was hollering and whistling when you arrived and there wasn’t a single person who didn’t ask the two of you to pose in a photo with them during the evening. You couldn’t remember the last time you had so much fun. It must have been years. But from the moment you stepped into the house the team treated you as if you never left. They joked with you, danced with you, drank with you, just like old times. And you were beyond glad that not a single soul was bringing up anything Travis related.

Eventually the evening was drawing towards its close. Midnight not too far away, when Ivan got up to open the door to someone ringing. You weren’t even paying enough attention to realise until Kevin was whispering about somebody probably mistaking the house for an other. You expected Ivan to return quickly but it seemed to drag on and once he finally returned he wasn’t alone.

He looked at you before anyone else and mouthing a quick “I’m sorry” to you before revealing who had knocked on the door.

The moment you saw him you felt sick to your stomach, Kev quickly threw an arm around your shoulder and out of the corner of your eye you could see Claude standing up. Nolan followed shortly after.

“We were about to call it a night, TK. You should go home. And you should really ask first before showing up at a party. Especially if you bring a fan.”

It was only then that you realised that he wasn’t alone. A barely dressed, tall blonde was standing behind him. A felt a stab in your heart. He’d brought someone.

“She’s not a fan, she’s my girl.” His words were slurred, the alcohol he consumed evident in his voice.

You felt like you were about to throw up, so you quickly rose to your feet. Kevin was only seconds behind, already addressing the room. As you started to move towards the door you couldn’t shake the feeling that you’d seen the girl before.

“Alright guys, we’re about to head out. It’s getting late.” He took your hand into his, moving across the room. The rest of the team started to move too. The tension in the room was unmistakable. You gripped Kevin’s hand thighter. You nearly made it past Travis without him making a comment. Nearly.

“Well, Hayesy brought a fan. No way that’s his girl. So why can’t I bring my-?”

Nolan cut him off before he could finish, his voice colder than ice.

“Shut up Teeks, you weren’t even invited.”

Your head had started spinning the moment the word fan left Travis’ lips. You knew you looked a bit different in your Halloween costume but this? Did he seriously not recognize you?  

Kevin was gently tugging at your hand, trying to maneuver you out of the house and out of this sticky situation. You knew that he was doing the right thing and was trying to protect you. But instead of allowing him to lead you out of the door, you ripped your hand from his grip. Anger had started to bubble up inside and as soon as you looked at Travis again it boiled over. To say you were angry was an understatement, you were absolutely vicious.

“ You piece of shit! You’re a fucking coward Travis.” You voice was laced with venom, nearly sitting these words into his face. Kevin put his arms around you again, this time without letting you go and pulling you towards the door.

“I can’t believe you switched me out for some puckbunny. You-“ But Kevin had already dragged you out of the door before you could finish your sentence. And before you knew it Kevin had led you to his car.

“Y/N, I swear he wasn��t supposed to show up.“ You knew he meant it, his voice laced with sincerity.

“Who is she? The girl. I know her from somewhere. Who is she?” Kevin looked at you for a moment. When he didn’t reply, your voice rose. “Kev!”  

“I don’t know, okay? Just… just some girl.” But his hesitation made you cautious. “But you’ve seen her before?”

It wasn’t really a question, more of a statement. He looked away when he replied.

“Only a few times.”

But his innuendo was strong enough to know exactly what he meant with that.

And then it dawned on you. She was the girl you saw at the game a few nights back. She was his new girl.

Part 3

[morganaspendragonss]

The Broken Soul of TK Strand (1/?)

so, that bonus fic i mentioned. i cannot take credit for it - it is a translation of 'la esencia rota de tk strand' by road1985, which in turn was inspired by my fic, 'out, damned spot'

i am so grateful to the original author for not only taking the time to write something based on one of my works, but also for allowing me to discuss the plot with her and translate it into english, especially when i am still learning her language. the only thing of this that is mine is the translation, and i sincerely apologise for any mistakes on this front 💚

ao3 | 3k | hurt tk, worried carlos, rituals, kidnapping, angst and hurt/comfort

The man leaned out from the alley and watched the scene. He had spent so much time preparing, he had carefully chosen the victim from many candidates weeks ago, and now it had all gone to shit because of a cigarette and some curtains embroidered by an old woman for her grandson.

He liked the fire. It was erratic, unpredictable, and powerful, just like his Lord, just as he himself aspired to be.

He watched the flames and longed to get closer, to touch them and know first hand the home of his master. But he still wasn’t prepared; he was missing one more sacrifice, the last one. He just needed one more soul, and then the doorway to hell would be open for him.

But it wasn’t just any soul he needed; he couldn’t choose the first stranger who crossed his path. That would be too easy - his Lord had told him so in dreams. To open the door to hell, he had to find pure souls which were close to the dark side, good souls that had been through horrible experiences and whose pain could be extracted together with their body’s vital liquid.

With each one of the souls he had already extracted, he had improved the ritual a little more. It was becoming cleaner, more discrete, and it seemed that the police still hadn’t found the other three bodies. With luck, he would finish the ritual before that happened.

But because everything couldn’t be perfect, the fire had ruined his plans.

He had spent days researching the people living in that building. All of them had problems, but David Archings was his target. An orphan and divorced, it was said that his parents died because of him, and this had destroyed his marriage even though the police found no proof. Now he lived alone in a small flat where no-one ever visited him.

He was a sad man, consumed by grief, and few would miss him.

But the fire had taken him before he could do anything, and this delayed his plans.

Or not.

Whilst he watched the flames consuming the building, the firefighters arrived. They worked quickly and in a matter of minutes, the fire was under control and almost extinguished.

He hated these people who always destroyed the work of his Lord. Who were they to put out the flames of the kingdom of darkness?

On more than one occasion, he had thought out teaching the firefighters a lesson, showing that that they weren’t and never would be stronger than the power of his master.

But there were always so many of them, always with police involved. For someone who enjoyed going unseen and carrying out assignments quickly, it would be too complicated and too much work to hurt them.

Despite everything, that night, the cards played a very different hand, one which could solve all his problems.

In that first moment, he didn’t know why he noticed the young paramedic, but there had been something about that that caught his attention. He had a special aura, which changed from dark to light and dark again, depending on the moment.

It was easy to focus on him. If men interested him, he would say that he was truly attractive. If he were searching for a pretty face, there was no doubt that the boy had it. He didn’t know him at all, but he could tell that he had a sad smile which hid fear and regrets - exactly the kind of darkness that he wanted and needed.

“TK,” an older man said, one of the firefighters who, judging by the resemblance, was clearly his father. “We couldn’t have done anything even if we had arrived earlier.”

“I know, but I can’t get the idea out of my head that it was my fault we got here late.”

“It could have happened to anyone.” The older man put a hand on the boy’s shoulder. “You are one of the best firefighters I know, and now one of the best paramedics. We all have the right to make mistakes sometimes.”

The man began to see some of the darkness he needed for the ritual, but he needed more.

Another man, a police officer, came closer to the young man and opened his arms. The firefighter buried himself in them and the officer kissed his head. It was obvious that they were a couple; they weren’t hiding that they were together, and there was a great love between them. The officer was worried for the paramedic - it almost seemed like it had been taken from a romantic novel.

“Ty, your father is right. You shouldn’t blame yourself for what happened. Tommy said that the man was dead before you got here.”

“I know, but I always think that it’s not fair, that things could have gone another way.”

The man smiled; the paramedic blamed himself for these two deaths but it was easy to see that he carried more guilt inside him.

“When these things happen, I remember what happened to me. If it hadn’t been for my dad always worrying about me, I wouldn’t be here right now.”

“That’s a thing of the past and, look, thanks to it, you are here. Have you thought about it that way?” The police officer kissed him and they hugged again before leaving.

It was incredible. He had only thought about taking a soul who was close enough to what he needed. But that paramedic who had been a firefighter, that TK, was exactly what he needed. He was a broken soul, an aged vase in danger of shattering into a million pieces. A firefighter, perfect for punishing those meddlers, and, further, in a relationship with a police officer.

But he was surrounded by people and in the middle of a shift; he wouldn’t be able to take him that night. His master had taught him to have patience, so he let him go, taking note of the firefighters’ station number, so he knew where he worked.

The idea that he would have the soul he was sure was the perfect subject excited him greatly. He didn’t want any mistakes or to find him with a perfect family at home, so he decided to wait and do things right.

*

TK didn’t sleep well that night. They returned to the station after the fire, but he needed time to get to sleep and he woke up many times. When he finally did manage to sleep, he had nightmares about the idea that they could have saved those two strangers.

It wasn’t his fault, not directly at least, but if he had been ready earlier, if he hadn’t forgotten to replace the bandages in the ambulance, they would have arrived on time. Maybe then things would have turned out differently. He couldn’t be sure of course, but the nightmares did nothing but tell him just that.

He got up. Everything was still; with a little bit of luck nothing else would happen and they could finish the shift calmly and go home. But this didn’t make him feel any better, so he made himself a tea - if he had a coffee he wouldn’t be able to sleep a wink - and left the station. There were barely any buildings around it, so there was always a beautiful view of the sky.

A little while ago, they had placed some deck chairs on the small back patio and TK sat on one, with a blanket around his shoulders as it was a cool night. He drank the tea slowly as he watched the stars; they never changed, no matter what happened below. Whether people lived or died, the stars remained unshakeable and, in a certain way, this comforted him.

He liked the idea that there were things that couldn’t be changed, things that always happened in a certain way and, as much as he or anyone tried, it couldn’t change.

He closed his eyes - maybe he would be able to sleep out here, and in the worst case, he would catch a cold and spend a couple of days in bed with Carlos. That didn’t sound bad at all. TK drank the last drop of the tea and tried to relax; he had almost managed it when a noise at his back grabbed his attention.

It sounded like a crack, like branches breaking or something similar. He got up and peered into the darkness but there was no-one there and nothing moved. The sound returned, a little closer; maybe it was a wounded animal or one that was trying to get into the station’s trash in search of food.

“Hello?” TK called, only to feel like an idiot a second later; he already knew that there was no-one there.

He headed towards the trash cans but there was nothing there, and he sighed in relief - he would not have wanted a pissed-off raccoon to throw itself at him. TK turned around, but a dark figure, wearing a large coat or cape that didn’t even show a centimetre of skin, appeared in front of him.

“Who are you?” he asked, taking a step back and throwing two of the dumpsters to the floor.

He received no response other than seeing the gleaming edge of a knife the man had taken from under his clothes as he approached him.

The station lights turned on - throwing the dumpsters had raised the alarm. The stranger turned - he wouldn’t be able to do what he wanted, but before Paul and Judd arrived, he used the knife against him. TK raised his arm in defence and shouted at the sensation of the blade cutting his skin. He stumbled backwards and fell to the floor, but no-one was there save for his friends running towards him.

“TK, are you okay? What happened?”

He looked around him, but the stranger had already managed to disappear. “Where did he go?”

“Who? Hey, that cut looks bad,” Judd said, helping him to his feet.

“There was someone here, he attacked me with a knife.”

Owen and the others arrived a moment later, and searched the station, but found no-one. Judd pushed TK to go back inside so that Tommy could treat his arm.

“It’s not a deep cut, but it has nicked a couple of veins so it looks worse than it is,” his captain said as she finished bandaging his arm. “You said that a hooded stranger did this? It’s possible that you tripped and cut it on glass or a broken bottle.”

“There was someone in front of me, he had a knife.”

“Something tells me that the fire today affected you a lot,” Owen said behind him. “Captain Vega, don’t you think it would be a good idea for him to go home and rest?”

“No! I’m fine, really. That man attacked me and then disappeared.”

But they forced him to go home.

Carlos was waiting for him; he had been asleep but he always left the sound on his phone in case anything happened to TK. Judd had called him and told him what had happened and that TK had been put in a car home.

He met him at the door, barely having time to prepare himself before TK was hugging him.

“I’m not crazy, babe, and the fire didn’t affect me so much that I’m having hallucinations of people attacking me.”

“Shhh, I know. I know you’re not crazy.” Carlos left kisses on TK’s forehead and cheek, and did the same when he took his hands, kissing the palms and the back as he led him to the sofa. “You need to sleep and relax. We’ll talk about it tomorrow.”

“But…”

“But nothing, baby. Sleep, and I’ll stay awake so no-one else tries to hurt you.”

TK wasn’t sure if Carlos believed him or not, but he always felt safe in his arms. He let go and, without bothering to change his clothes, curled up next to Carlos on the sofa. He sighed, feeling his arms surrounding him, and closed his eyes.

They were all right about something - between the last shift and what had happened by the dumpsters, he was exhausted and needed sleep, so it wouldn’t hurt to do it.

When he woke up, Carlos was still awake, reading. By the yawn he gave, it was clear that he had fulfilled his promise and not slept all night.

“Are you feeling better?”

TK looked at his arm, hoping that what had happened the previous night had been a dream. But the bandage was still there.

He nodded. It was stupid to think that someone wanted to hurt him, or that they’d wait around the station until dawn to do it. Maybe it was true, maybe he had had a nightmare about the fire and ended up cutting himself with glass, like Tommy had said.

The kiss to his cheek brought him back to reality.

“Should I make breakfast?”

“We could do it together?” TK offered, but Carlos clicked his tongue and laughed. “Okay, sorry, what I meant is that you make breakfast and I’ll lend a hand.”

“Perfect.” With another kiss to the forehead, Carlos circled his waist and made him get up. He looked happy, with that warm, perfect smile that made TK feel as if nothing could go wrong. “What’s up? Why are you looking at me like that?” Carlos asked.

TK shook his head and the smile returned. His arm didn’t hurt and the fear of the hooded stranger disappeared all at once. He took Carlos’s hand to go to the kitchen and they spent the next hour making a breakfast that, between laughs, games, caresses, and a round of sex on the kitchen island, ended up more on them instead of being eaten.

“Happy anniversary,” Carlos whispered in TK’s ear, feeling the fast beat of his heart.

“Oh, are you serious? We’ve been together for a year today?”

“You forgot, right?”

“Babe, I’m so sorry, I… No, I did forget, but I’ll make it up to you.”

Carlos took off his flour-covered shirt and gave him a quick kiss. “You don’t have to, don’t worry,” he said, before heading to the bathroom.

“Carlos, babe, wait.” TK tugged at him. “Everything’s been so perfect with you. And it’s gone so fast too. When we started dating for real, I didn’t want to give myself hope that we would last and I decided to take it day by day. I was always scared that…”

Carlos took his face in both hands. “I’m not Alex, nor could I ever be Alex.” He never lost his smile; even now that he was hurt, he kept smiling and kissing TK. “And I’m going to be here, with you, forever. I love you, Ty. I love you so much, so I’m going to carry on as if I hadn’t heard anything, and I’ll wait for you at the precinct at six tonight so we can celebrate our anniversary.”

“Okay, though what we just did…”

“That was just the appetiser. Babe, you have no idea what I have prepared for tonight.”

*

TK worked that shift like normal, though every once in a while, he looked at his arm. He’d convinced himself that it was impossible that someone would have attacked him. Why go to the station to hurt him? Why him? It didn’t make sense.

Luckily, the shift was quiet and it enabled him to rest; they only went on one call and the rest of the day, Tommy and his father both told him to take it easy. But now that he wasn’t thinking about the fire, he couldn’t get out of his head how bad Carlos must be feeling after TK forgot their anniversary.

He had to do something, to somehow make it up to him.

“Can I leave a little early today?” he asked Captain Vega, before telling her everything that had happened.

“Go, buy him something pretty - forgetting the first anniversary is very serious.”

*

He had studied the area, parking the car somewhere that wouldn’t appear suspicious, but also a place where he could see the soul he lacked.

His blood was perfect; the ritual he had done last night had been a success, and its taste was exquisite. Now all that was left was to take him and prepare him for the final ritual.

He had decided to wait until his shift was over, but there was no doubt that fate was helping him, as he saw him leave two hours early. He got out of the car, seeing him put in his headphones, and raised his hood to avoid the wind.

“Hey, TK!” a voice behind them said, the only thing that hadn’t gone as he expected, the only thing that made him improvise.

He hid the syringe he carried in his jacket pocket and, gripping tightly to the iron bar he’d found nearby, hit his victim in the head.

TK fell to the floor, sounds reverberating around him, barely able to see anything other than white lights.

“He’s already left,” said another voice inside the station.

“I’m… I’m here. Help,” TK breathed, his voice barely there. Even that was painful as he watched the stranger, the same from the previous night, approached him with an iron bar in his hand. “Dad… Judd… Please.”

“For the return of the Great Dark Lord,” said the other man, closing the gap that separated him from TK. He knelt in front of him and placed the iron on his chest. “For the Lord of the Dark to walk the earth, you will give your life, your blood, and your soul. You are the fourth chosen. The fourth cardinal point to mark his return.”

“Please, you’re wrong… I’m not the one you’re looking for.”

“You are. Soon you will see.”

Before TK could say anything else, a second blow to his head left him sprawled on the ground, like a broken toy.

[justapoet]

Four-letter noun

TK thinks about how three words can summarize so many things. Then, he thinks how Carlos can summarize these words as well.

Or,

TK writes a letter to Carlos, just because three little words are not wuite enough.

(honestly I just wanted to write a letter and then I made TK write one)

“Carlos,

Honestly, this is something I've never done before, writing letters. As a child, I would think that writing down your feelings and thoughts and then addressing them to someone you care about is just so sweet, and I would wish I could do it someday. Then, I learned that no one did this anymore and that people would think it's boring and silly.

That was probably my first heartbreak.

As the years passed by, I even forgot what I used to think about letters and feelings. Everything I felt would fit in a few words or emojis, so complex sentences or long texts were just unnecessary.

Then I met you, and, of course, you had to prove me wrong.

I've heard already that people use "I love you" to summarize all the things they want to say and all the feelings they feel. Thinking about it, it does make sense. If they make you feel love, then you love them ― duh. But it also makes me wonder what composes love in its totality.

Frankly, the conclusion I got to was you.

Cliché, yeah, I know. And I wish I could verbalize everything that made me get to this ― you ― conclusion, but the thing is that every time I try to tell you, you're right in front of me, and you leave me breathless.

And I simultaneously feel like I can breathe.

All my life, I have been searching for one feeling to take over my chest and bones, making me feel warm and safe and happy. I have been craving for this feeling to make my bad days turn into good ones, that feeling people describe in books and stories, that one feeling that would make me feel whole again.

Now I know I will never find this one feeling. Because, and only because, it doesn't exist.

The truth is that "love" is a word used to summarize a myriad of feelings, so you don't have to list them all every time. "Love" is a word to epitomize smiles and tears and laughs ― "love" is a word to synthesize you.

I found out that loving someone is to be scared and ridiculously safe at the same time. Is when your partner calls me, and I don't know if I'll be heading to the hospital or feeling my heart melt because your phone died and you asked her to tell me that you're thinking about me.

I found out that loving someone is to be happy and pathetically sad at once. Is when you call me in the middle of the night because you can't sleep and just wanted to hear me breathing, so you know I'll be back home.

I also found out that loving someone means that people fight, and, sometimes, you're both going to be wrong or right. It's when Michelle and Paul have to put our heads in the right place, because, after all, the color of the wedding invitations is not as important as the names on them.

After all these years, I found out that "love" is just a simple way to talk about happiness, evolving, mistakes, and the future. Loving someone means that you can feel everything all at once, and it's going to be chaotic. Yet, you're going to choose to go back to that chaos.

I have been alone in chaos before, and ours sounds like music.

I'd be pleased to dance to it forever if you lead me ― I'm a disaster on the dance floor, you know.

After all those years, I also figured why people used to write letters instead of just saying they loved each other ― three words don't seem to be enough to fit so many feelings. It sounds deeply unfair to compact so many sentences in a four-letter noun.

It might be hypocritical of me to say that since I will be compacting all of these words here ― and a bunch of others I'm still trying to fit in sentences ― in a wedding band a week from now. But I'm not truly worried about it ― can hypocrisy be put in "love" as well?

Some people say love is hypothetical, while others swear it's metaphorical ― I thought it was paradoxical, but you make perfect sense, so I got lost in my conclusions. Maybe you should think about stopping to ruin my convictions.

Honestly, this is something I have never done before, writing letters. I see now that it's because this is also something I've never done before ― loving someone with all the feelings inside a four-letter noun.

That is probably my first heartbeat.

The four-letter noun,

Ty(ger).”

*

There were soft, warm kisses on his neck and a wet cheek against his jawline.

He was pretty sure the sun didn't come up yet since his skin wasn't warm from the sunlight sneaking through the curtains, and Carlos usually didn't wake him up when he got back from a shift ― he'd curl himself with TK and make sure his fiancé wouldn't steal all the blankets in the middle of the night by letting the paramedic use him as a body pillow ―, so the delicate kisses, although sweet and welcome, made his body become alert.

It changed, though, when he heard the low rustle of paper and opened his eyes to find the letter he had written the day before over his bedside table. One of Carlos' hands delicately touched his waist, his arm slowly wrapping TK's body, and he could feel more kisses over his neck, arm and face when he turned his head a little in the detective's direction.

"I love you, too," the sweet voice whispered against his ear. TK chuckled, turning his body so he could hug his fiancé comfortably. He felt a kiss being placed on his forehead, sighing before hiding his head on the crook of Carlos' neck and lightly kissing the skin he could reach.

Those were the exact moments he couldn't fit in a four-letter noun.

[jiminieloved]

Lol, welp, since your submission page does say you’re accepting people venting their opinion about something, and other anons you’re getting today have made this topical, I’m going to submit a bit of a frustrated opinion piece to you here- though I totally understand if you don’t want to post it if you think others might take it the wrong way and feel like it’s inciting drama or something. 

So bit of a hot take here, but I hold the opinion that Jikookers who insist that the post SY Final emails from TKers/hetshippers about stopping Jikook’s ‘gay performances’ worked, and that Jikook has ‘barely breathed’ and stopped interacting in public since then specifically because Big Hit won’t ‘let’ them because of those complaints, because they’re now trying to suppress their relationship and please Taekookers, are almost as frustrating as the crowd that starts weeping about how Jikook broke up every single time we go a week without a new moment at this point- it’s just two different forms of baseless hysteria grounded in insecurity. There’s a reason TKers have been widely mocked for coming up with conspiracy theories about how BH has turned TK into a tragic, forbidden love that is forced to stay apart, and I just hate seeing so many of us turn around and do the exact same thing the second we miss the boys for a minute. Now, allow to me explain WHY I think this idea is so silly, if I may

I guarantee that Big Hit gets complaints and demands about EVERYTHING related to the boys, that’s just the nature of overseeing literally the biggest band in the world- and yet people truly believe that of all the things they hear about, they caved to the emailed demands of what was most likely not even actually a full 100 people among BTS’s 1mil+ person fan base? You’re giving what was most likely a double digit amount of TKers (whenever anyone tries to bust out a tweet of people complaining about all the Jikook interactions that night that has triple digit likes, as if that’s proof that hundreds upon HUNDREDS of people were emailing Big Hit, I have to roll my eyes; one, a lot of that those likes probably come from people who have multiple accounts, and two, there’s way less energy involved with hitting like on a tweet than composing and sending an email-I would bet you anything that the vast majority of people who did the former never actually followed through with the latter. Not to mention that even if it actually had been a few hundred, which it almost definitely wasn’t, that’s STILL a completely insignificant portion of BTS’s fanbase) entirely too much credit if you think BH started suddenly declaring how and when JM and JK are allowed to interact just because of them; frankly, BH likely gets WAY more nutso emails from people about dumb things like wanting Tae publicly flogged for vaping or wanting JK kicked out of the group for having tattoos than they ever have about shipping matters- I’d be shocked if this particular issue was even a blip on the radar, or ever went beyond the administrative assistant in charge of sorting through fan emails laughing to themself as they deleted the nonsense.

But hey, let’s say the emails DID make it to the higher-ups at Big Hit and they WERE aware of them- thinking they started keeping Jikook apart because of them requires assuming BH places more weight into a few pressed emails than they do the entire sold out stadium being filled with the sound of hysterical, supportive, happy screaming every time Jikook were acting boo’d up that night, and, uh… WHY would you assume that, lol? Even IF BigHit is hypersensitive to how Army responds to specific ships, which I honestly doubt, I promise you any company would care more about the real-time reaction of a 60000 person true random sampling of the band’s fan base than a comparatively TINY amount of emails or tweets that, for all they know, are just being spammed by the same five people with an agenda across different accounts, and that real-time reaction to Jikook from 60000 random fans was extremely positive. Not to mention how Jikook is more popular than Taekook with both K-Army and J-Army, and it’s only I-Army that Taekook has the edge with; why does anyone think Big Hit cares more about a shipping subset of their third biggest market than a shipping subset of their first two biggest markets, if they’re going to care about shipping at all?

Then there’s the issue where I also think it’s kind of insulting to Jimin and Jungkook to suggest they would have even stood for being forcibly distanced to please some pissy Taekook fans, TBH. I’m not saying they get to live their lives as openly as they want 100% of the time, obviously as Idols there are things they make big concessions about, but Jungkook is a man who has been acknowledging since 2014 that a lot of their fans would be very upset with him if he ever got a tattoo, and who then still proceeded to get 20+ of them because that’s what HE wanted, Jimin is a man who saw fans complaining his shirt was too revealing and he should stop wearing it and proceeded to wear that shirt as often as possible throughout the next few weeks to make a point- you think they’d put up a fight like that for tattoos and clothes, but not for the person that we as Jikookers are assuming is their beloved partner? That’s not even getting into Jungkook being so vocal and so brave with gestures like GCF Tokyo and Rose Bowl; I would bet you anything that same man would not sit there quietly and nod along if an executive tried to order him to stop being seen with Jimin and start playing up his friendship with Taehyung for the camera more often, all just so they could please some obnoxious American teenagers. 

And finally, and what might be the biggest point to me- the ‘Jikook has been dead since then!’ and ‘Something is clearly off between them since then!’ narratives are SO exaggerated by Jikookers anyway, ones who have lost all perspective about how they haven’t been in public much since November, and they both barely use social media anymore, so ALL content from them drops off dramatically when there’s no tour, no promotions, and no appearances happening. Shippers keep complaining that we’ve had barely any new content in 2020, it’s all been stuff that was filmed in 2019 and just released now, waaah, and I’m just like ‘…uh, yeah, and that’s the case for literally every ship involving Jimin or Jungkook, because the three weeks of album promotion we got are basically all either of them have been seen for this year.’ If they were both constantly around and acting affectionate with other members while visibly icing only each other out, then maybe I could get the conspiracy theories, but I genuinely can’t recall any significant interactions either of them have had with other members outside of the clearly planned and scheduled V-Lives- not that this means the interactions in said V-lives weren’t genuine and cute, for the record! But it’s not like Jungkook was just hanging out at Tae’s apartment and they spontaneously decided to go live- Big Hit clearly had these particular lives mapped out and they’ve essentially been part of the boys’ current work schedule. They’ve both made themselves scarce, period, you can’t get ‘fed’ by people who just straight up aren’t making public appearances or using their social media accounts- and when we HAVE seen them, like in the last two OT7 lives, they’ve very much seemed like their normal selves and have been right by each other’s side, per usual. Also, when you look back on years in your mind as a compilation of significant moments, it makes you forget that even in 2018 and 2019, it wasn’t uncommon to go weeks or months between content; your brain just selectively filters out the time in-between that you spent waiting to remember only the good stuff we got those years, and it makes it feel like it was a constant flood of moments happening all at once; you remember ALL of 2018 and 2019 as their respective best dozen moments, forgetting that there was plenty of time in between even then, and that Jikookers frequently threw embarrassing fits about how they had clearly broken up any time their ‘feeding schedule’ was off for a few weeks even then.

And I mean, the face smushing pictures that have already become a Jikook fandom all time favorite moment were post SYF, the chest groping performance of Home was post SYF, them lovingly smiling while singing The Earth Traveler directly to each other and the behind the scenes clip of them looking just as smitten during the recording was post SYF, the extremely flirty and domestic New Year’s VLive that had Jikook fandom dying was post SYF, the video of them flirting about how long they’ve been a unit was post SYF (not to mention how Big Hit deciding to give them a photobook subunit in the first place, or deciding to include that flirty footage in the album release event stream, were both choices made post SYF), the big Jikook feast that was Winter Package was post SYF (and again, BH didn’t HAVE to include all that Jikook footage, and they DEFINITELY didn’t have to write the very shippy captions that one had- they chose to), Jimin holding Jungkook’s arm in the airport was post SYF, them holding hands while walking off stage at the Japan muster was post SYF, Jungkook calling Jimin cute and sexy during the album release and all of their flirting across the table and hugging and touchiness that same night was post SYF, the V-Live where Jimin was being very affectionate with Jungkook and there was that adorable minute long sequence where you could tell how badly they were fighting the instinct to hold hands was post SYF, Jungkook publicly and proudly losing his mind over Jimin the Black Swan reaction video was post SYF, them choosing to let us see them happily riding home together was post SYF, Jungkook stopping dead in his tracks and abandoning the routine to just lovingly stare at Jimin for two minutes straight during Carpool Karaoke was post SYF, the cuddling and spooning during recent Run BTS episodes was filmed prior to then, but BH’s decision to include the footage and post the photo was post SYF, same with all the season’s greeting Jikook footage, same with BH deciding to make the 5th Muster DVD an all out Jikook holy grail, same with BH having the Speak Yourself Japan behind-the-scenes footage be more Jikook than anything else. If that’s Jikook after supposedly being ordered to stay away from each other or to at least ‘tone down the gay’, and if Big Hit’s idea of pulling back on Jikook means still having the behind the scenes footage on the next 4 paid content DVD releases be LOADED with Jikook and basically revolve around their interactions, then call me crazy, but I think things are gonna be okay

[tarlosbuddie]

Summary: It's been years since Eddie, Buck, and Christopher moved to Austin. Leaving Los Angeles and the 118 was hard, but it was the right decision for their family. They are happy at the 126. Tonight, the Diaz are hosting the 126 monthly dinner. It's a family tradition now. It brings back some memories and flashbacks.

Or the one where Buddie and Tarlos are friends and have lots of kids.

This is also part of my collaboration with the amazing @harvestleaves​ 

Word Count: 3470

Chapter : 1/2

Tags: Established relationship, Kid fic, domestic fluff, crossover, future fic

Relationship: Buddie and Tarlos

Read it on AO3

The 126 fire station

The shift is coming to an end and no one is complaining about it. It’s been a long day. They haven’t lost anyone but they barely had any time to catch their breath in between calls and one look at his team is enough for Owen to know they are all taking a nap as soon as the truck parks at the station. He is right, as usual. His son is the only one who’s not heading to the bunk room. He had a big smile on his face all day long.

“What makes you so happy son?” Owen finally asks, wanting to know the reason his exhausted son is looking at his phone, smiling, instead of catching up some well-deserved rest.

“Carlos keeps sending me those pictures” TK replies with a huge grin on his face. “It’s his day off, and his mom insisted on taking the kids shopping.” 

“Rookie mistake” Owen says. He tried once and his ‘quick shopping trip’ lasted for hours.

“They’ve been in the same store for three hours and Isabella has pretty much tried every piece of clothing she could find” the Strand boy adds while showing his dad all the photos Carlos had sent. The first three are very cute and show Bella wearing the beautiful clothes her grandmother picked out for her. Carlos’ mom is behind her with a bright and hopeful smile on her face. TK keeps scrolling to show his dad the rest of the outfits, dozens and dozens of pictures. From the reflection in the mirror, both men can see Mrs. Reyes’ hopes to leave the store slowly disappearing from her face. The last one is the one that melts TK’s heart the most. It’s a picture of his favorite little monster wearing a yellow hoodie and Carlos added the caption ‘She said she wanted to look like her daddy’.

“If they keep going like that, they will still be at the store tonight.”

“Not a chance” TK assures. “Her big brother won’t miss a dinner at the Diaz's for anything in the world.” 

“My little man is not the only one excited about tonight. I can’t wait to see the Buckaroos” says Owen, he looks around them, the firehouse is quiet. His team is sleeping, Michelle is on a call. Something is obviously missing. 

“Yeah, it’s weird here without big Buck” TK admits. Buck and him quickly became friends and not seeing him at work every day is weird, but he knows the blonde will be back at work in no time. He knows the whole team looks forward to seeing the youngest Diaz at the station again. Eddie of all people wants him by side, but he will not admit it in front of the others. His husband has a good reason to stay away from his job a little longer.

“We still have one hour left before the end of shift” the captain says. “You should try to rest a bit. I’m sure Buttercup is already warming up your bed.”

One hour of sleep won’t be enough to get properly rested from the long day they had, so TK decides to help his father filling the reports from all the calls they had. He sits on the couch on the corner of the captain’s office and Buttercup comes to sit next to him. They are halfway done with the paperwork when the shift is officially over. The members of the crew come quickly to let their captain know they are heading home. 

“Go, son, I’ll finish this alone,” Owen says. “I’ll see y’all tonight, guys”.

“See you” Eddie replies as he’s practically running, eager to come home to his family.

“Are you sure dad?” TK never liked paperwork, but he knows they can get it done faster together.

“Sure. I’m sure Bella is going to want to wear one of her new outfits tonight and she might need some help choosing from everything her grandmother bought her”, the kid’s grandfather says. He knows it’s probably true because no one ever spends more money than him spoiling his three grandkids.

“Okay then, see you soon.”

The Strand-Reyes’ house

TK drives back to his place. He doesn’t have a lot of time before they have to leave for the Diaz’s but he will make the most of the time he has with his family. He walks into the living room and kisses his husband before telling him and Matias about his day. The oldest is still too young to understand everything about his dads jobs but he knows they are both heroes who save people. Owen would love to see him being a third-generation firefighter but he will never influence his grandkids. Luis is playing on Carlos’ lap, stretching his arms towards TK for him to hug him. Owen was wrong about something, Isabella only got two new pieces of clothes. A dress, bought by Carlos’ mother, and the hoodie Carlos bought her. TK knows that she decided to wear this one because she’s holding his in her tiny hands.

“Oh, you want me to wear mine too, huh?” he asks his 3-year-old daughter. TK grabs his hoodie and carefully puts Luis on the couch next to his dad. “I’m gonna take a quick shower and we’ll be ready to go.” 

Carlos does not reply. He watched over his baby boy while helping Matias finish the drawing he made as a gift for tonight’s hosts. Owen once told his grandkids to never show to someone’s house empty-handed, and even though the Captain was thinking about the nice bottle of wine he always brings when he’s invited somewhere, he’s glad to see that the boy learned that gesture from him. Matias makes sure to draw something lovely every time, and now the whole team has an original Matias Strand-Reyes drawing on their fridge.

The Diaz’s house

Buck just hang up the phone with Carla. They still facetime from time to time. It’s not the same as having her around, but the Diaz family will always have a soft spot for her. She helped them in so many ways, they won’t ever know how to repay her for everything.

Eddie and the rest of the 126 will be here soon. So Buck sets his phone on the kitchen counter, enjoying the view of his entire family on the screen before opening the recipe he was given last week. He still thinks about Carla and a conversation they had a few years ago.

Buck had come home after a quiet shift. His apartment barely felt like home. He used to love it so much but ended up finding it empty and cold. He was so happy during his shift, smiling while working under the burning LA sun. Somehow, his joy disappeared when he crossed the threshold. He was missing something. He didn’t want to stay at his place, so he texted Maddie but she had plans with Chimney. He texted Carla and she just replied with ‘just get your ass here Buckaroo’. Her husband was working late and she cooked extra food so she didn’t mind having Buck for dinner at her place.

As soon as he arrived, she asked him why he wasn’t with Eddie. The second Eddie’s name left her mouth, she couldn’t place another word. Buck started by explaining the firefighter was having a family dinner with his parents and his Abuela. It was one of those rare times his parents were in town and Buck didn’t want to bother them by coming along, even though Eddie invited him. After explaining that, he never stopped talking. He told Carla about the amazing idea Eddie had at work to save a girl, and then he kept on talking about his best friend. Carla could barely speak. She didn’t mind, she loved that boy. He had a kind heart and she knew it the second he knocked on Abby’s door to help her find her mom. It was getting late and they both knew it because Buck commented on the fact that Eddie and Chris’ dinner was probably done since Eddie had sent him a picture of Chris falling asleep in front of the movie. Helena and Ramon didn’t seem to be there and Buck assumed they went back to sleep at their hotel. Carla looked at him with a huge smile.

 “What?” Buck genuinely asked her, not realizing what she was smiling about.

 “You’ve been talking about Eddie for two hours Buckaroo.”

 “No. I’m-I’m not” he babbled. “I’m just making conversation.”

 “It’s okay. I know you love him.”

 “Of course I love him. I love all my team” he said, trying to control his voice that started to crack.

“That’s not what I mean. You are in love with him, Buck.”

 “I-I’m not. We are best friends. He’s my best friend.” he repeated, more to convince himself to convince her. 

He hugged her goodbye, and spent the next hours in his empty apartment, looking around. He saw Eddie’s key on his key ring, the dishes from the dinner they had together the night before were still in the sink, and the shopping list on his fridge had Eddie’s handwriting on it because he knew Buck always forgot important stuff while shopping, so his best friend adds them on the list to be sure he gets everything he needs. Eddie and his son’s presence is everywhere, from Chris’ drawing next to the shopping list on the fridge, to his bedside table where the framed pictures from the first time they went to see Santa together next to the one of him and Maddie. But none of them were in the room, and that was the reason why his place felt the cold. For the first time in a while, he did not spend his free time with the Diaz boys. 

Carla was right. He needed Eddie like he needed air. He loved Eddie. This realization scared him. He could not love him. His friend would freak out and leave him if he knew Buck loved him. But Buck was the one freaking out and he couldn’t stop himself from picturing every possible scenario in his head. He was about to grab his jacket to go out when he realized he didn’t even take it off after coming back from Carla’s. He took his key and jumped in his jeep.

Buck can barely hear Eddie coming behind him. The blonde is slightly bending on the kitchen counter, cutting vegetables. It’s one of the rare moments where he looks smaller than Eddie. Taking advantage of Buck’s position, the older man rests his head in between Buck’s neck and his shoulder, lacing both his hands around his husband’s waist and watches him preparing their dinner. Eddie’s muscles are tense from work, and the nap in the bunk room didn’t do any good to his body, but feeling the man he loves in his arms is exactly what he needs to feel better. Buck smells like home; the scent of the dinner he’s cooking, the perfume of the kids shampoo from when he gave a bath to Andrea before and the gentle musk of the aftershave they both use. 

It’s their time to host the 126 monthly dinner and Buck wants it to be perfect because he knows these nights are as important for their kids as it is for them. Andrea is always enjoying being around the rest of the kids, and she loves when they are hosting it because she gets to play house and entertain her crowd. Both men know she will be in the kitchen with them in no time, she always is. Eddie notices his husband looks distracted.

“What’s going on in that pretty head of yours?” he said, while both his hands are still around him. His fingers are slowly touching Buck to bring him back from the thoughts he seems to be lost in.

His head is still playing back the memories of the day that changed his life forever. 

In front of the Diaz’s door, Buck froze. He turned his back to the door and started walking back to his car. It was late, it was stupid. He should go home. But he moved towards the door again. It was dark and cold outside, and Buck was pacing, not knowing what to do. His heart wanted to go towards Eddie while his head told him to go back home and forget everything Carla told him. But his feet didn’t know who to listen to. He knocked gently on the door before he had time to think about what his mouth was supposed to say.

Eddie looked at him, and smiled before letting him in. He was not really surprised to see Buck at his door. There was always beer in the fridge and his favorite snacks somewhere in case his friend showed up. 

“I don’t want to lose you,” Buck whispered. Eddie was close enough to hear it, but he didn’t understand it. Where was this coming from? None of them were injured during their shift, Eddie had no intention of moving out, things were fine and Buck was not making any sense.

“You won’t lose me Buck. I’m fine, and I’m not going anywhere”.

“But I might lose you,” Buck said, a little louder but he looked more scarred that Eddie had ever seen him. “You might never want to see me again.”

“That won’t happen. Not to us.” Eddie promised him, he meant it. He was never gonna let anything come in between them. “Talk to me, man.”

“I can’t. I can’t do this” Buck was turning his back on him, putting his hand on the door handle to run home and forget this. Eddie placed his hand on Buck’s to stop him from opening the door.

“I can’t risk losing what we have” the blonde said, his back still turned away from his friend.

“Okay, now you are scaring me” Eddie confessed, while he gently forced Buck to turn his face to him. He was not letting him go. “What’s going on in that head of yours?”

“It’s not my head that’s the problem.”

“What’s your problem?” as soon as the words left his mouth, they echoed with their argument during his first day, but his tone is gentle. Just like this day, Eddie’s eyes won’t leave Buck.

“You’re my problem” Buck replied, and Eddie’s mind is definitely went back to the gym where they had that heated talk. This time Buck’s voice is not angry. He’s almost whispering and his gaze left Eddie’s eyes to look at the hand, nicely rested on his shoulder, his thumb gently pressed on Buck’s neck, slowly coming up to be on his face, and that’s exactly the problem. His heart is racing against his chest and he feels like if the other man comes any closer his heart will beat so hard he will jump out of his chest and crumble on the floor.

“Did I do something wrong?”

“There is nothing wrong with you, Eddie. You’re perfect, you’re too perfect. I l-” he tried to stop himself but it was too late. The words were half unspoken and he had to finish what he started. Carla’s voice was playing on repeat in his head and Eddie was still looking at him. He didn’t know for how long he was silent. The sound of his heart sounded even louder suddenly as Eddie’s left hand mirrored his right one on the other side of Buck’s cheeks. Using his gentle hold on his face to force Buck to look at him, Eddie broke the unbearable silence.

“There’s nothing you can say that could make me love you less” Eddie said. Buck’s lips were finally moving to say something before he fully registered what the other just said.

“Wh-What?” Buck rambled.

“You heard me Buck” Eddie said softly. But if it meant the face in between his hands can finally stop shaking, he was willing to say it as many times as he needed to. “I’m in love with you, you fool. And I’m seriously hoping that that’s what you were trying to say or I will be the fool”.

Buck nodded, still shaking. He didn’t know what else to do, but Eddie was cupping his head his tender hands, and the shaking stopped when Eddie’s lips met his.

They definitely had to thank Carla for that and she was pretty proud to include this in her toast at their wedding reception years later. 

Smiling, Buck fully comes back to reality. Eddie’s body against his is anchoring him to the present. Sometimes it’s still feels like a dream, all of it seems too good to be true. But it is real, as real as Eddie’s breath against the back of his neck.

“I just- I just love you Eddie.” the man declares like it’s the first time. Eddie does not need to hear him say it to know how much his husband loves him. But he will never get tired of hearing those three words.

“And I love you too” he replies while placing a kiss down Buck’s neck. No matter how many times he says these words, he will always feel like the man in front of him is constantly surprised to hear that he is loved. He could repeat them for the rest of their lives if it means to be greeted by the most genuine smile in return. “But this house is soon going to be full of hungry kids” he reminded him before they both lost themselves in the moment “and we don’t want to hear TK bragging about Carlos’ cooking skills.”

 “You wanna turn this diner into a cooking competition, Diaz?” Buck teases.

 “You know you’ve been a Diaz too for the past five years, right?” Eddie asks and there’s suddenly a wide grin on Buck’s face.

“I know, I just love the sound of that.” Buck sighs when he feels Eddie’s hands leaving his body, but his pout turns into another big smile when he feels his fingers taking the knife out of his hand to help him with the cooking. 

Eddie cuts the vegetables left on the kitchen counter when Buck happily starts the rest of the recipe. Andrea appears in between them but has no interest in helping with the dinner. She’s only interested when her dad is making desserts, so she can give a hand and fill her stomach at the same time. By the time Eddie arrived, the cake is already on the oven, so Andrea just hangs with her dads while they do the rest of the boring work. She’s five but she’s already teasing her older dad on his lack of cooking skill.

“Dada” she said while clinging to Buck’s leg, “Don’t let daddy cook. I’m hungry.”

Buck can’t hold his laugh in, and Eddie would be lying if he said he didn’t find it cute. He took her by the hand and guided her towards the cupboard.

“What if you helped me set the table while Dada makes us something we can actually enjoy?” Eddie asked her with a big smile. 

Andrea is not complaining, setting the table is something she really enjoys, it’s something usually the grownups do in their house and she feels like a big girl when she is doing it. Eddie gives her the plastic plates for the kids’ table, and she happily walks towards the table where she’s about to have a great time with her friends. She puts the green plate next to hers because she knows it’s Matias’ favorite color. Bella is going to be in front of her, next to Tucker Ryder. And for the rest of the kids, the smaller ones, they will be on their parents’ lap, at the grownup table. Aside from Bella, the other kids never complained about sitting at another table, they all love to have their secret conversations without their parents being here. 

“Can I help?” Chris asks. His voice is joyful. He loves those dinners too. Especially since, unlike his sister, he gets to be at the adult table. The 14-years-old has known the 126 for a long time, they are his family.

Before Eddie can think of something he could ask his son to do, the door rang.

“Well, you can welcome our guests, buddy,” he says before jogging to the kitchen to see if the dinner is ready.

“Buck, don’t let dad near the food” Chris jokes before opening the door.

In a few minutes the first guests will arrive and the pressure from the day will vanish, and be replaced with love, laughter and happiness. No matter how tired everyone is after a shift like this one, knowing they are together in this will always make things better. 

[practicingsomewriting]

11 Blocks Part 5

(i promise to drop some actually well written content soon. for now, hopefully part 5 gets all of you excited about the series again) Jake’s entire face dropped.

“Jake,” you exclaimed as you reached for his hand. His eyes went dark. The colour mimicked the irises that surround him in the garden. He pulled his hand away and stormed out.

“Jake, please wait,” you ran after him. “Miss! Miss!” the wedding planner panicked, “where are you going? Oh, dear.”

“Jake, please talk to me. I never meant for this to happen. Please.”  you grabbed his arm to pull him towards you.

Jake bit his lip and shook his head. “I guess I only have myself to blame. I was naive enough to send you to him,” he let out an ironic chuckle to hold back tears. His tongue traced the inner outline of his lips. How could you have let yourself hurt him?

You began to cry. You didn’t dare look in his eyes. “I am so sorry, Jake,” you cried, “You have to believe me.”

Jake looked up at the sky and rubbed his face with his hands. “I need to be alone,” he said and walked away.

—

“Thank you so much for letting me come here. I had no idea who to call,” you said. You sat across from Travis’ best friend, hands folded on your knees. When Jake left the garden, you froze. It took you a moment to ran after him but your delayed reaction failed you. Jake was long gone by the time you reached the parking lot.  

You didn’t think it was a good idea to immediately go to Travis, and you were not in the mood to be judged by your friends. 

“It’s all good,” Nolan mumbled awkwardly. He rubbed his hands together and searched for something to say, “Do you want a drink? Alcoholic obviously. You seem like you need it.” Nolan was never very talkative.  You nodded yes and he scurried to the kitchen. When you dated Travis you saw Nolan often - naturally- but never developed a friendship. However, you did learn that he was extremely kind. His tough exterior only prevented people from learning that.

“So…what do you think you’re going to do?” he shouted from around the corner.

You had no idea what your next steps would be. First off, you knew there was no way you could just end things with Jake. The two of your had built a beautiful full of mutual trust, respect, and support. Together, you shared all your dreams and ambitions. Six months into dating, you moved into a lovely apartment that was now filled with many memories. Small trinkets and knick-knacks of your relationship contrasted the sharp, edgy and modern decor. You would hate to let go of all that. 

“I honestly have no idea, Patty.”

“Are you going to talk to Travis?”

“I mean, I’ll have to eventually.”

“TK’s great, but you seem really upset over this Jake dude.” You laughed and took a sip of your gin & tonic.

“You know Y/N, I’m not some relationship guru but I did read this quote once,” Nolan began hesitantly. When he saw your look of approval, he continued, “It was something like ‘you might meet your soulmate in this life but that doesn’t mean you’ll be with them forever.’”

You were surprised by the words that left Nolan’s mouth. Honestly, you were extremely grateful for the fact that Nolan was trying to help you determine your next steps in his “Nolan-y” way. There was an undeniable connection between you and Travis- passion. If you were being completely honest, you never felt that passion with Jake. With Travis, everyday was a new adventure. Being with Travis felt like you were 16 again. Butterflies in your stomach whenever you saw him but, could he be the serious partner you now sought? 

“I should get moving. Patty, thank you so much.” You hugged the giant and he stiffened.

“Yeah. Dude. Sure, no problem.”

—

It was now around 6 pm - a solid 8 hours after your flower appointment with Jake, and you knew you had to confront Travis.

“I told him,” you began as you settled yourself onto Trav’s couch. Travis leaned in to kiss you, his arms on either side of your face holding onto the back of the couch.  You reached out and brought him closer, the kiss getting more passionate in a matter of seconds.  Guilt set in your stomach.

“Travis, stop.” You pushed him back and got off the couch. You walked to the other side of the room, torn. “It’s not that easy, Travis.”

“You can’t keep doing this to me, Y/N.”

“I can’t just leave him, Trav! I can’t just wipe my hands clean and move along.”

“You had no problem doing that to me.”

Travis’ words stung. Your decision to walk away from the relationship three years ago was not easy. For months you debated pushing through your anxiety and not just giving up.

“That’s not fair. You know what wasn’t easy for me. Trav, I suffered a lot because of those rumours.” “Yes, and you didn’t even let me help you. You decided to walk away and you did.”

You leaned against the kitchen counter, and pushed your forehead into the slightly open cupboard. Never did you expect to find yourself in a love triangle. Whenever you watched a film or read a book that placed the main character in between two meaningful relationships, you scoffed. How could choosing someone be that hard? Well, it was your turn to learn- between a rock and a hard place. “Travis, Jake and I have an entire wedding planned in less than two months. I don’t get to play runaway bride just because we slept together a couple times.” Travis looked at your in disbelief. Honestly, you couldn’t believe that you just said that. Travis grabbed his keys off his kitchen counter and headed for the door.  “I didn’t mean that,” you tired to defend yourself. “I’m just so stressed-”

“I think we should stop seeing each other,” Travis cut you off, “Clearly that’s not an issue for you.You left once, let’s see you do it again.”

[everythingisgayandnothinghurts]

The Darkest Depths - Part 1

A visit from his mom is meant to be harmless, but instead it sends TK into a tailspin of depression and darkness.  Will he be strong enough to fight or will he be dragged down into the darkest depths?

“TK, can you stay a minute?” The young firefighter turned on his heel at his father’s voice and made his way up the stairs two at a time to approach the glass encased office.  The flash of anxiety would never fail to hit when his father asked him into his office.  It had been a good day on the job, no losses and every success.  He hadn’t had a problem on any calls or taken any risks deemed unnecessary.  Despite knowing it had been a smooth day, TK couldn’t help thinking for a moment that he was in trouble.  The look on his father’s face didn’t help this fear as TK took in the pinched skin by his eyes and his lingering frown.  

“What’s up?  Everything okay?” TK asked as he slowly sat in one of the vacant chairs in front of the desk.  His father hesitated and that alone made TK’s nerve skyrocket.  His father didn’t hesitate about anything.  He only hesitated when it was bad news or when it had to do with-

“Your mother is coming to town.”  His father looked like he had swallowed something sour and while TK was glad it wasn’t detrimental news he still wasn’t thrilled about this impromptu visit.  

“To Austin?  For how long?” His shoulders slumped and he was already gearing up for a miserable dinner or two with both of his parents.  

“For a weekend.  She wants to have dinner with us.  She wants to make sure this is an okay life for you after the shooting and all.”  It was always amazing how bitter his father sounded when he spoke of his ex-wife sometimes.  Particularly when said ex was coming to check up on them.  To see if Owen could provide for him properly after she left.  

“Does she mean to act like I’m a kid still?” TK grumbled as he watched his father slump into the chair behind his desk.  “Does she realize I'm an adult and I can choose a life for myself?  She acts like she has a right to examine my life after she’s the one that left it.”

“Now, she is still your mother and she cares for you very much,” The familiar lecture came up and it seemed like no matter how much time went by or how often TK was hurt he was still required to respect the woman who gave birth to him.  He had fond memories with his mother when he was a kid, but that didn’t change the sting of when she left when he was nine.  She chased a career ladder higher than he could join her for and now she was a top prosecutor in upstate New York.   “I’m going to set us up to have dinner at the house Saturday night, alright?  We’re both off that weekend and we can have a nice night in.  I would say bring Carlos but…”

“It’s likely not going to stay civil,” TK finished for him and felt a little bad as his father cringed.

“I wish that wasn’t the case, but she likes to hit nerves.  Maybe you could introduce her to Carlos on Sunday before she leaves?  I know she would want to meet him.”

“And interrogate him on his life choices and how he’s treating me?” TK rolled his eyes and ran a hand through his hair.  “We’ll see how dinner goes first.  I’ll gage what sort of mood she’s in.  I promise I’ll iron a shirt and seem somewhat put together, okay?”

“I’m sorry this is hard for you,” His father apologized and TK could see the guilt in his clear eyes.  “I know dinners with both of us isn’t your favorite.  I will do my best to steer things in a civil direction.  She doesn’t know about your latest overdose and I promise it will stay that way.”

“I’m kind of surprised she hasn’t pulled any and all hospital records for the last year,” TK sighed and got to his feet.  “I gotta head out for dinner with Carlos.  Mom will be mom and then she’ll be gone again and we can get back to normal.  I’m not too worried about it, but thanks for the heads up.  Making vegan lasagna?”

“It’s the only vegan dish she likes so yeah,” His father pulled him into a fond hug before sending him out the door.  

It took him under twenty minutes to get home, but TK couldn’t remember one minute of his drive to the place that most felt like home in Austin.  He was trying not to make this visit a big deal, but he couldn’t dread the questioning and examining and somehow he knew his mom knew more than what his dad had told her.  She had a lot of pull in New York and somehow she probably knew he had overdosed six months ago and coupled with getting shot she was coming around to tell them both what a mess they were making of things.  Her visits weren’t light, especially on such short notice.  

“Something wrong with dinner?” Carlos asked him after they had sat in silence for most of their shared meal.  TK shook himself out of memories and assumptions and realized he hadn’t eaten much of the steak and potatoes Carlos had made for them.  

“No, it’s good I’m sorry,” TK ate a bite of his cold meal and chewed thoughtfully.  “My mom is coming for a visit this weekend.”

“That’s big,” Carlos remarked and it was funny how even he knew how out of the ordinary this was.  “She on a business trip out here?”

“She’s coming to evaluate my life since I got shot,” TK sighed and went back to pushing around his food.  “Which means she’s going to come out here and criticize anything she can and make us seem like we’re doing everything wrong.  She hates that I”m a firefighter like my dad, always has.  She thinks it’s too dangerous and too consuming of a career.”

“Most parents are pretty proud of first responders,” Carlos frowned and reached to put a hand on his knee.  “I’m sorry she makes you feel bad about something undeniably heroic.  Does she know how much you love it and how good you are at your job?”

“That would probably make her more bitter and angry,” TK felt his stomach twist and already knew he would be lucky to manage half of this huge meal.  “She’s not an easy woman to please.  She has opinions and never would accept that maybe she’s wrong.  She hated how my dad chose the firehouse over our family a lot after the towers fell.  He was at work more than he was home for months.   She ended up leaving us less than a year after that and she has always parented from afar since then.  I chose dad in the divorce and ever since I’ve followed in his footsteps.  It’s driven her crazy and she’s never approved.  Plus I turned out gay, and while she won’t say it I know it disappointed her.  It’s complicated where she’s concerned.”

“That’s a lot going on,” Carlos had put his full attention on him now, and TK felt bad he was soiling another meal.  

“It’s okay, really.  It’s just a weekend and then she’ll go back to New York.  I’ll be fine.  I know she loves me, strong opinions aside.”  He sighed and rubbed his forehead.  “She may want to meet you.  If you’re okay with that.”

“I would be happy to meet her if that’s what you want,” Carlos rested a hand on his back and rubbed gentle circles.  “You’re a good man Tyler, and she can see that.  Anyone with half a brain could see that.  It’s just for a weekend.”

“A very long weekend,” TK echoed as he leaned into Carlos’s touch.   How much damage could be done in one weekend?

~~~~~

The rental car pulled into their driveway and TK bit his lip, feeling ten years younger suddenly and back in high school all over again.  He hadn’t seen his mother in almost a year and he hadn’t been eager to reunite.  He loved her, but not so much when his dad was around at the same time.  They had gotten less civil as time had gone by, starting with his dad’s second wife and not improving even after the second divorce.  

“You good?” HIs dad put a hand on his shoulder as they both watched her finish up a phone call while in the car.   Truthfully he felt like he could be sick at any moment, but he could get through another dinner and only hope she knew nothing more than what they told her.   

“I’ll be fine,’ TK felt like he had said that countless times since learning she was coming.  “You got the wine ready?”

“Funny,” Owen said dryly with a roll of his eyes.  

“You think I’m joking, but there’s no way you two are getting through this without it.” 

“ We’ll get through this, kid.”  They both watched as Gwynth got off the phone and out of the car.  She was dressed casually in jeans and a blouse and to the observer she seemed perfectly harmless.  She seemed like any other mother coming home for dinner with her family.  

“I’ll get the door,” TK headed toward the door, a small part of him glad to see his mother after his near death experience.  They may not agree on everything, but she was still his mother and he would have hated to never see her again.  

“Hi mom,” TK said, swinging the door open wide and bringing her into his arms gently.  

“My baby boy,” She said softly as she pressed a kiss to the side of his head.  “It’s good to see you standing on your own two feet.  You need to stop having these injuries TK, you’ll make my heart stop one of these times.”

“I’ll try I promise,” TK ushered her inside and waited for the sniping to begin.  His parents tried to be civil for his sake, but it was safe to say it didn’t always work.  They had three courses to get through together and then hopefully not be all in the same room for another year.  

The salad and lasagna went off without too many problems.  There was the usual amount of sarcasm and sniping around, but nothing unusual.  His mom made the usual comments about his job and his choice to move at all from New York, but if that was all she was here to gripe about TK was grateful.  

“I think we lost TK to fantasies about his boyfriend,” Owen teased as he noticed TK zoning out by the time they were having some pie for dessert.

“Are you seeing someone?” His mother’s interest was piqued now and TK felt himself blushing before he even answered the question.  

“Uh, yeah his name is Carlos,” TK glanced between the two of them.  “It’s a pretty recent thing, but he’s really great.  Better than I could ask for.”

“Let’s just hope he’s fine with never seeing you and having your life at risk constantly.  Not to mention never settling down.”  Gwynth’s comments came off as harmless, but it felt like glass pricking his skin and digging deeper.

“Gwynth,” Owen said warningly.  “You need to quit.”

“What?” His mother said as if there was nothing wrong with her assumptions.  “You both insist that TK can make all his own choices and his choices sum up to never being home and constantly being in and out of hospitals.  We both know TK isn’t really the type to settle down.”

“I asked Alex to marry me,” TK said stiffly, the reminder nearly gutting him.  He hated to bring up Alex, but he couldn’t just let that comment lie.  “I am perfectly capable of settling down when the guy isn’t cheating on me, Mom.”

“How do you expect to settle down with this career you’ve chosen?  Do you really think it’s fair to put a spouse through what your father made me go through?  All you two have talked about tonight is your new team at the firehouse.  The two of you will never change from obsessing about your jobs.  Who would ever be okay with that kind of life?”

“Carlos is a police officer,” TK said quietly, her words echoing in his head and he hated the doubts that were rising within him.  Did he have a right to ask Carlos for that kind of life with him?  He already had enough reasons to leave, but would that be one of them? “He understands the hours of the job.”

“You plan on settling down with someone else who is never home?  How is that going to be a life for a kid?  Doesn’t that strike you as selfish?  TK, darling, you need to think a little with that pretty little head.  If your father has taught you anything, I hoped it would be that this lifestyle isn’t good for a family.  Don’t you remember how he left us constantly when you were a kid?”

“I didn’t leave,’ Owen protested with his eyes full of worry as he gazed over at TK.  “If the towers hadn’t fallen it would have been different.  TK and I have always had a great relationship, even with my unsuitable career as you would put it Gwen.”

“I know you think I’ve chosen everything wrong,” TK said quietly as he gazed down at the half-eaten pie on his plate.  

“I don’t,” Gwenyth protested as she leaned forward earnestly.  “But you can’t pretend like this life is the best for you.  You’ve been in the hospital shot after only being in Austin a few months and that’s not even talking about all the visits last year from injuries.  Not to mention your little overdose.”

It felt like wind was roaring in his ears as TK felt his extremities go numb when she brought up the worst moment of his life.   He had known she would dig it up, but still a part of him hoped she didn’t know.  This was one thing he couldn’t handle being thrown in his face.  

“How could you bring that up?” Owen hissed as TK struggled to breathe let alone find words to respond with.  “How do you even know about that?  Why are you digging up his records?”

“Well, Owen, if you would just bear to be honest with me I wouldn’t have to.  I just had his hospital records pulled and I assumed I wouldn’t be finding any surprises.  An overdose and neither of you thought to tell me?”  His mother was livid and it was clear this was what she had really wanted to get to.  

“I had it handled!” His father’s voice started to rise and TK felt his hands start to shake.  “It was nothing more than an accident.  He’s going to meetings and going to therapy sessions.  I can take care of my son without your help.”

“An accident?  Is that what he told you it was?  He’s been using since he was fifteen and you think he could overdose by accident? Please tell me you’re joking, Owen.” Gwenyth’s words were like out of his own personal horror movie.   Not only did she know about the overdose, she wasn’t about to buy that it was an accident.  Truthfully TK didn’t know if he had meant to kill himself that night after Alex had revealed his infidelity.  He hadn’t lied when his father had asked, but now he wasn’t entirely sure it had been the truth.  He had known he was taking a few too many pills.  He hadn’t assumed it would kill him necessarily, but he couldn’t say he would have cared at the time if it had.  It had been a year since that horrible day and his life had improved in each and every way.  Carlos was responsible for a lot of the happiness he had in his life now.  He was the most amazing boyfriend TK could ask for, but sometimes he really doubted he deserved someone that amazing.  

“I have to go,” TK got out between numb lips, knowing he had to go find Carlos before his panicked brain made him do anything stupid.  This dinner was too much for him to handle.  Normally dinner with his mom was mildly unpleasant, but this time she had come to draw blood.  He knew most of it was directed towards his dad’s parenting, but it still hurt when it was about something that personal.  “I’m sorry Mom, but I need to go.  It was good to see you.”

Both of his parents called after him, but nothing could stop him from grabbing his jacket and stumbling outside his dad’s house, gulping in the fresh air like he was a drowning man.  That house felt suffocating with the two of them once again going at it with him in the middle of their arguing.   It brought up bad memories of their divorce when he was younger.  He hated them arguing, always had.  

He pulled out his phone and pressed his latest call to hold to his ear.  Carlos was always top of his recent calls list and today was no exception.  It didn’t take long before Carlos answered, barely finished with his shift for the day but TK knew he was off tomorrow with him.  

“C-come get me,” TK stuttered over the line with his entire body shaking and his mind whirling in a million directions.  His mother’s screaming disapproval echoed around him and her accusation that he tried to kill himself acted like a noose.  “Please, please, come.”

“Baby, tell me where you are,” Carlos’s soft voice urged him from the other end.  “Are you still at your dad’s house?”

“I’ll meet you at the station,” TK forced himself to focus enough that he realized he had started walking in the direction of his second home without realizing.  “I couldn’t stay there.  I had to get away.”

“I’ll be right there, okay?” Carlos soothed him as best as he could over the phone.  “Deep breaths for me, okay Tiger?  It’s going to be okay.”

“It was awful,” TK said tearfully as he curled up on the front steps of his favorite place in Austin other than Carlos’s house.  “It was like she picked me apart slowly and thoroughly with no regard for my feelings.  She wanted to hurt my dad and shredded me apart in the process.”  He let out a sob and barely heard Carlos swear softly before trying to comfort him as best he could over the line while he raced to get there.

They were silent until the crunch of gravel told TK his boyfriend had arrived not a minute too late.  He shakily pressed the red phone at the bottom of the screen and curled into himself to sob softly.  Carlos didn’t waste a moment to fling open his door and kneel next to him and wrap his arms around him.  “Shh, carino, I”m here now.  I’m so sorry she was awful to you.  It’s okay, love.”

“She doesn’t think we’re gonna m-make it,” TK sobbed out against Carlos’s shoulder.  “She doesn’t think I can have a family.  She thinks I chose everything w-wrong in my life.  She can never be p-proud of me.”

“She doesn’t know you, amor,” Carlos told him with a kiss to his head.  “She doesn’t know us.   Let’s get you home and in a warm shower, okay?  We have all day tomorrow to ignore everyone else.  Let me take you home.”

TK curled against the door as he let Carlos buckle him into the passenger seat as he felt like he was drowning in something dark and awful that had been opened by his mother.  It was starting to rain and the sound was soothing as he closed his eyes and tried his best to stop crying.  It wasn’t new what his mother said, none of it.  Lately, however, he had been having so many doubts about himself as the one year anniversary of his overdose came up.  He had been starting to feel numb again even with Carlos as his loving boyfriend and having the most amazing team at work.  He had thought that the numbness would fade once he could find happiness.  He thought happiness was really something you sought after, but he was finding that happiness continued to slip away from him.  

“You ready to come inside?” TK blinked to see Carlos in front of him crouched next to the open car door as rain drizzled down on him, making the curls he loved appear.  He shook himself and slowly undid the seatbelt as he felt a blush rise to his face.  

“Do you think I’m overreacting?  Plenty of moms say stupid shit and not everyone acts like...this.”  TK stands and it feels as if his shoulders are weighed down with bricks.  

“I don’t know much about your mom,” Carlos said slowly as he took his hand and lead them inside.  The door closed and TK already felt safer behind it than he did out there.  TK felt at home here in more ways than just a place to sleep.  He felt safe here and protected by the man at his side.  “I think this is different because she left you.  You want to please her and that’s perfectly normal.  She isn’t around so you feel like you want to please her from afar and when it doesn’t work you feel like you failed.”

“I just wish she could say she was proud of me,” TK wipes tears away only for them to be replaced moments later.  He felt miserable and angry and while it was better than the empty numbness it wasn’t pleasant.  “Would it kill her to acknowledge that i’ve survived a lot for being under the age of thirty?  Then after never being around she thinks she has the right to snoop around and pull up my overdose to throw that in my face over dinner?  Does she think it doesn’t make me feel anything to think about that day?”

“She didn’t have a right to do that,” Carlos agreed quietly as TK paced around the living room running his hands through his hair repeatedly.  “That was an invasion of privacy.”

“Ever since she left everything is about her failed relationship with my father,” TK ranted.  “My entire life has been about their divorce.  I chose the wrong parent to live with when I was younger.  I didn’t make the right kind of grades in high school like my father.  I went to fire academy and she didn’t even come to the graduation.  She didn’t so much as send a card saying she was proud of me for something I wanted to do.  She never bothers to show up when I’m injured on the job.  She just talks to all my doctors and pulls my files before yelling at me about my career choices.”  He had started crying some time during this rant while Carlos sat on the couch silently watching him.  “Then I tell her I’m with someone I really like and all she can do is tell me about how I chose the wrong person and how I am going to be a horrible father and a horrible partner.   How I can’t have a family because of my career.  Where does she get off judging me on a life she’s never wanted to take a part in?  She claims she’s here to see me after I got shot, but really she’s only here to judge everything about my life and try to talk me out of doing what I love for the millionth time.”

“Okay, take it easy Ty,” Carlos stood up to stop his pacing that had gotten faster and faster while he talked.  “One weekend and she’s gone, remember? You’re right that she doesn’t have a right to judge your choices when she doesn't want to be a part of them.  You’re right to feel hurt and angry and upset, okay?  I just hate to see you cry like this.”

“I need a shower,” TK muttered, knowing he was reacting badly to something he had even admitted was temporary, but the words cut deep.  He was so tired of feeling not good enough no matter how many lives he saved.  He was tired of the struggle to get up every morning and act like that day was going to be better than any of the others.  He was supposed to feel happy at some point.  He was supposed to find it when he found Carlos, but that simply wasn’t true.  The honeymoon phase was over for them and now it was back to the struggle.  He had thought the overdose had to do with Alex, but honestly it was so much more than the break up.  He had never felt good enough for anyone, even his own expectations.  

He scrubbed at his skin harshly under the hot spray of water, trying to scrub away the way his mother’s criticisms seemed to crawl on his skin.  Scrubbing away all his imperfections, but there were so many that he wasn’t sure what was left.  His mother had always thought he was rather airheaded and couldn’t think for himself.  She thought he was unsuitable to have a family.  She knew about the overdose and how weak did that make him to her?  She saw straight through him.  She knew he had tried to take his own life and couldn’t even do that properly.  Now he was dragging Carlos through his problems and making him take care of the damaged person that was left.  Nobody deserved the task of picking up his pieces and he truly wished he cared enough to do it for himself.  He didn’t think he was worth the effort.  

He shuffled from the shower into bed with skin that was far too red and Carlos looked at him in concern over top of his book.  TK avoided his eyes and tried to hide the flinch as his sensitive skin came in contact with the sheets.  He flopped down onto the pillow and tried to prepare himself for a sleepless night next to a man nobody thought he deserved.  

“Give me your arm,” Carlos’s voice was soft, but firm enough to hold no argument.  TK glanced over to see he had pulled out a bottle of lotion from his nightstand.  

“You don’t have to take care of me,” TK mumbled but gave over his red arm anyways.

“I get to take care of you,” Carlos told him with a gentle smile. “Especially when you can’t.  It’s just some lotion, okay?”

TK was silent as he let Carlos massage the smooth lotion into his abused skin.  How long before the darkness consumed him this time and even Carlos couldn’t save him?

[blackandblueandstars]

Just Another Day Pt9

TRIGGER WARNING: Discusses non-consensual relations and violence

Pt1 Pt2 Pt3 Pt4 Pt5 Pt6 Pt7 Pt8

Adrian shook Kamilah gently on the shoulder.

"Hey," he said. "Gloria called. We can pick Amy up."

Kamilah nodded, standing. "Okay," she said.

"I'll drive," said Adrian.

The group made their way to the garage, Kamilah sitting shotgun.

They arrived at the jail, waiting for Amy tk be released. It seemed like it took forever, but she finally came out, moving slowly.

She had dark circles under her eyes, and somehow she looked like she lost weight, even though she'd only been there for a little over a day. Kamilah went to her side, hugging her gently. "How are you?" she asked, their friends crowding around her.

"Tired," she said, looking at the floor. "I couldn't sleep."

"Come then," said Kamilah. "Let's get you home, to our bed." She wrapped her arm around the girl, partly because she yearned for the physical contact, and partly because she wasn't sure she could walk on her own. Lily took her hand from the other side, not saying anything.

They led her to the car, sitting her in the middle of the back seat, Lily and Kamilah on either side. It was a short ride back, but Amy had fallen asleep on Kamilah's chest in seconds.

When they pulled in the garage, Kamilah carefully lifted Amy into her arms, carrying her to the bed. She laid her down gently, then returned to say goodbye to their friends.

"Thank you all for being here for me, for us," she told them.

"Always," said Adrian.

"We'll come back over tomorrow," said Lily. "You're not in this alone."

Jax nodded.

"Thank you." She hugged each of them, watching them exit the apartment, then returned to Amy's side.

Kamilah sat beside the bed, watching Amy's chest rise and fall. "My sweet Amy," she said, looking at her frail, tired body. "There is nothing I wouldn't do to keep you safe."

Amy opened her eyes ever so slightly.

"Kami can you hold me?" she asked softly.

"Of course, habibti," she said, climbing in next to the girl and taking her in her arms. She fell back asleep, her breathing lulling Kamilah to sleep as well.

Kamilah woke to Amy whimpering in her sleep.

"No," she begged. "Please, don't make me."

Kamilah shook her gently. "Baby," she said, "it's just a dream."

Amy's eyes shot open, looking at Kamilah. The fear in them was quickly replaced with shame. "I'm sorry," Amy told her. "I'm sorry. I should have told you about Guy. It was just such a bad part of my life that I wanted to leave behind. I didn't want you to think of me like...like the slut I was when I was with him. I wanted you to think of me as whole, good, normal."

"Amy, darling," Kamilah said, lifting her chin so that their eyes met. "I don't think any less of you. I just wish you would've let me help you. But we're here now, and I know, and I'm ready to listen, if you want to talk."

Amy nodded slowly. "I was high most of the time I was with Guy," she said. "I think it kept me numb, kept away the pain of what he was doing to me, how he was treating me. I was desperate for his approval, and he gave it sparingly. So I did whatever he wanted, hoping it would earn me a smile, a kiss. I don't even know how many people I've slept with," she said, crying. "He would bring strangers and have me sleep with them while he watched. Sometimes guys, sometimes girls. Some of them were into BDSM, and somehow Guy convinced me to be their submissive. But it wasn't enjoyable, for me, and he never gave me a safe word."

Kamilah took Amy's hands, holding them as she continued.

"I was with him for four years. Four years before I came to my senses. I saw another girl he was known to sleep around with kill herself. She took a gun and blew her brains out. She told me that death was better than being Guy's property. So, I left. I left him, I left drugs, and I left town. I came to New York and got my fresh start. Guy blew my phone up, angry that I had left him, that he couldn't control me anymore. So I blocked his number, and I left it all behind me."

Amy sighed. "But now it's back."

Kamilah wrapped her arms around Amy. "I'm so sorry, habibti," she said. "We'll het through this, together. I am right here and I am not going anywhere."

"Thanks," Amy smiled at her. "But what about work? You've already been out for so long."

"Amy," said Kamilah. "I almost lost you. I'm not going back until I know you are safe. Work can wait."

"Thank you," said Amy, tears falling. "I love you."

"I love you too, my firefly," said Kamilah. "Now why don't you try to get some more sleep?" Amy nodded, and they both returned to their slumber.

Gloria met them the next morning, finally obtaining some of the information the prosecution had compiled against her.

"Okay," said Gloria. "Here are the text messages. These are only for the last month." Gloria pulled out 50 sheets of paper.

"There are over 500 messages," said Gloria, sighing.

"500?!" asked Kamilah, shocked. "That's over 15 a day!"

Amy was surprised, but not by the quantity. "I can't believe after all this time he's still texting me regularly," she said. She grabbed a stack of paper and began reading through them. Kamilah filed suit.

"Oh my God," said Amy.

Amy I love you

You're my world

I'd die for you

I'd kill for you

Damn it Amy, why can't you see?

We're meant for each other

Amy flipped to the days before the shooting.

I'm coming to New York

I'm going to get you back

We'll fake your death

Then you can escape that bitch you're with

I know she's got you trapped

I know you want to be with me

You can go to the mall

And take her with you

I'll kill her

And some others

To make it look like a random mass shooting

I'll have one of my guys take the fall

Then we can leave

Together

Finally together

"I can't believe this," said Amy horrified.

"So you've never seen these messages?" asked Gloria.

"No," said Amy. "God, no. I wouldn't have gone had I seen these. Kamilah, I'm so sorry you have to see this. I...I didn't know."

"I know Amy," said Kamilah, taking her hand.

"Well," said Gloria, "it doesn't look good that he texted your number in advance, telling you his plans. I am working on something from the cell provider verifying that you never saw these messages. In the meantime, we need to discuss anything that will make it look like you were involved."

"I mean," said Amy, "I assume he's telling them a bunch of lies. But they need more than his word, don't they?"

"Yes," said Gloria. "But the more we can do to invalidate what he says, the better."

"This is ridiculous," said Kamilah. "She wasn't even going to go. I insisted that she go and take Lily with her."

"That's helpful," said Gloria. She turned to Amy. "You haven't been in touch with him?"

"No," said Amy. "Absolutely not."

"Okay," said Gloria. "Our goal will be to prove your innocence to a Grand Jury. If they choose there isn't enough evidence for an indictment, that's our best case scenario."

"Okay," said Amy. "So what next?"

"My firm is going to do research and we'll ask you for assistance as needed. We want to establish timelines, motive, et cetera so that we can answer any claims the prosecution makes and hopefully disprove the evidence they think they have. I'll get the trial set for a few weeks."

"Okay," said Amy. "Thank you."

Kamilah stood, seeing Gloria out. "Thanks Gloria."

She closed the door and flopped on the couch, exhausted.

Part 10

Tag list: @h-doodles @scarlet-letter-a0114 @idkbutkamilah @lightning-fury @galaxyside-0 @blogsupitssam @ilovetaylor13m @hellodemoiselle @morgensternfe11 @save-me-the-last-dance @la-guera-69

[mcrmadness]

Oooo, how about two from each of them? Fanfic asks: J and P, film asks: 15 and 16, music asks: 20 and 26.

OMG thanks!!! :DDD

Ask games: Fanfic asks, Film asks and Music asks. (People you can still send me asks if you want, asks are fun to answer to!)

***

FANFIC ASKS:

A little background before we get to the questions: I haven’t written too many, actually only 6 quite short ones (and one of them is a bit longer than usual) about Die Ärzte (Bela/Farin FTW) and all of these I have written between the years 2009 and 2012, so I was 18-21 which means they are not that good. And there’s lots of things I wouldn’t write anymore. I also have a WIP on my computer, I started it in 2012 but stopped writing altogether only to start writing again in the end 2018, it has bit over 28k words currently and tbh I have written 90% of that when I started writing again two years ago. I still have my old ones up on LiveJournal (ask for a link), but I haven’t published anything fron this later one as I’ve just been writing down all kinds of snippets whenever I have had an inspiration. I think those are also a lot better in quality than what I wrote before, the old ones are quite cringey.

J. What is your favorite fic that you’ve written?

I guess we talk about those fics I have also finished, now. It’s actually hard to decide but I would say my favourite is either Why not even once? or The Boring Book Freak. I think the latter is actually The favourite.

The first one (was actually my second dä ff overall) is set to happen in 2003 and in that one Farin is leaving for another vacation somewhere and Bela wants to go with him, but Farin wants to travel alone and Bela is struggling with that, as well as with Farin finally leaving and having to somehow survive his time at home without Farin there. The writing itself is bit stupid and I feel that the end got bit too far but otherwise I like the idea.

The second one (came actually after the previous one) is set to happen in the early/mid 90s (my fave Bela/Farin era btw) and on that they just are at some random summer cottage. Now, fuck cottagecores and such, I wrote it because summer cottages are a thing in Finland and I wrote it when cottagecore was not even cool yet. Somehow I imagined that it would be very Farin-like to rent a cottage from the middle of nowhere, in a forest and then spend a weekend or so there with Bela. Who then is not entertained at all and is bored because Farin won’t put away his book and won’t give him any attention, so he tries everything to get Farin’s attention. I especially like the visual images this fanfic gives to me, I can see their hairs and outfits so well and those are also aesthetically very pleasing. (They look the same as in that Absolut Live interview from the 90s, I don’t control their looks with my fics usually, I just have an idea and then my brain creates how they look in that particular scene :D)

I have also written a short songfic around the lyrics of their song “Ich weiß nicht (ob es Liebe ist)” and it was fun to imagine that as Bela/Farin. That was fun to write.

This got a bit long so I put the rest under a cut:

P. What are your favorite tropes to write?

(Had to google what a trope is lol. I’m old-school and no longer know most of the terms unless they’re old terms.)

Angst - I put my own angst, sadness and angriness into my writing often. It’s when I feel like in real life I would need other people but I don’t know how to reach out or don’t just feel comfortable about opening up, I open up a file and start writing. This is also where we get to the next trope...

Hurt/Comfort - But not so that X hurts Y, but that Y feels hurt for other reasons and then X comforts them. I kinda got obsessed with this theme after being bullied at school so I was always hurt but never comforted, so I often go back to those feels and emotions with my text to look for that comfort (hug, nice words, whatever) I never got in real life.

Fluff - This is bit complicated because I like writing fluff but I also hate reading fluff I have written. Because it does not sound like me. And sometimes when I write, I feel like standing behind my own back and vomiting a little on the inside because of how cheesy and disgusting that is but still I can’t stop writing. And then I feel like a different person when I read them because I can’t believe it’s ME who wrote them. The same way when I watch movies and people kiss, I always look away. And I want to look away when I read my fanfiction. But I can’t, especially because I know I looked at that scene in my head when I wrote it.

Humour - I love humour so much and I like to include this to my writing. Normally I put the humour in my comics but some of that fits also in the regular texts too.

***

FILM ASKS:

These are super tough but also fun - I have been trying to think of what to answer to these for days.

15. A film everyone loves but you hate?

The Avengers (-12). Sorry but not sorry. Well I don’t hate it but I don’t understand why everyone says it’s the best Marvel movie ever. It’s not. It’s full of clichés and stupid forced heteroromances and whatnot and the plot was just so, so predictive I don’t understand why it’s often talked about as some sort of cinematic master piece. I literally was able to tell everything that was gonna happen next when I watched it for the first time. Only cool things in that movie are Loki and Iron Man, whose character I already liked as I had seen the Iron Man movie and liked it. But I hated both Thor movies (the third one is awesome tho). 

I like Marvel and I have seen I guess most of the movies - before MCU all good Marvel movies to come out were The X-Men movies and Spider-Man movies, and because I saw so many terrible Marvel movies, I was avoiding the whole MCU and I got into these movies much later and still, after seeing them all, I say The Avengers is one of the worst ones. Thor and Thor 2 are pretty much even worse (and I haven’t even seen the Hulk movie because it looks terrible), mainly because I just can’t stand the fact they’re mainly just built around Thor and his love interest...

16. A film you love but everyone else hates?

Spider-Man 3 (or the whole trilogy with Tobey Maguire). I see we continue with Marvel here but seriously I don’t understand why everyone is always picking on Tobey’s version of Spider-Man? And people especially hate the third movie and how Venom was portrayed in it (I’m obsessed with Venom’s human teeth pls I want his teeth), when it’s actually the best one for me. The second one is bit boring because it was again all about whining and Mary-Jane... Anyway, the reason why I am so attached to these movies is that I saw the first Spider-Man movie from TV when I was a teenager and in junior high myself, and I was bullied and a bit of a nerd so I could relate to Peter Parker a lot, and it gave me just so much strength to see him become Spider-Man and to stand up against the bullies and other assholes.

I also saw the third movie in the movie theater and there was one scene during which I started hysterically laughing with my friend because of an expression Tobey made as he was sitting on a bed, I don’t know why but somehow I just totally lost it at that :D It still makes me laugh so much when I see it! And when the movie ended, I heard a The Killers song “Move Away” for the first time during the end credits and TK was one of my favorite bands at the time (and still is).

***

MUSIC ASKS:

20. a song that empowers you

It gotta be Dead! by My Chemical Romance:

This album was what got me through all the shit that happened when I was 15+ and especially this song always made (and still makes) me feel so good. I often listened to my old mp3 player while walking to school and back home and every time this song came by, I just felt like nothing can harm and that life FINALLY was so great! It’s so energetic and still makes me feel that living is actually super awesome.

26. a song that taught you a lesson

Hmmm. I think I will answer to this with Dusche by Farin Urlaub.

That thumbnail is terrible but... And why did I choose this song? Well, I’m all for the sound what comes to music and I’d say at least 80% of all lyrics go way over my head. I just don’t have the skills for understanding poetry and also very poetic lyrics make me go crazy. I hate not knowing and when I have to assume, guess and interpret something. I don’t want to guess but I wanna know what someone has actually thought.

Dusche was the first song that had lyrics that for the first time ever actually spoke for me. I probably saw some video with English subtitles a fan had made and it just blew me away because holy shit, people are capable of writing lyrics even I can understand??? And that way I realized I can like lyrics but only if they make absolutely no sense (aka are funny or somewhat crazy, like Dusche) or when they are written in a story form or sung from the 1st person view or to “you” or in passive - but only if I can get behind the idea there.

After Dusche, Farin’s song Porzellan followed. And one of my absolute favourites is Karten. So, Farin is one of the only few people whose lyrics I have been able to understand. I still don’t hear lyrics and don’t understand a majority of the lyrics my fave bands write, and I have understood only a couple of Bela’s lyrics and I’m not sure if I’ve understood any of Rod’s lyrics. It’s not even about the language barrier anymore really, it’s just the topics or wordings I cannot comprehend.

Thank you again for the ask! This was very interesting to ponder and answer to :)

[fanfics-for-the-hockey-fan]

Anything TK taking care of you while you were studying for finals.

“Babe? You okay?” I lifted my head from my textbook, seeing my boyfriend Travis standing in the open door of the guest bedroom that I had taken over as my studying command post. 

“No. I’m an idiot and going to fail this final tomorrow.” I could feel tears building up in the corners of my eyes, I had been studying for two weeks now and  I didn’t feel any more confident in the subject matter. “I’m going to fail this class and then I’m not going to become a nurse and I’m going to have to work a minimum wage job for the rest of my life.” I laid back on the bed, pulling a pillow over my face.

“I missed the end of that, maybe if you pull the pillow off your face and tell me again I can help.” I felt the bed dip next to me and Travis tugging the pillow off of my face. “Last thing I heard was something about not becoming a nurse. What can I do?”

“Go back in time and tell me to choose a different career path?”

“If I did that we would have never met, so I can’t do that. What else?” We had met when I was on an internship at a hospital and he was there with his teammates to see some of the patients.

“Order dinner? Maybe I’m just hangry?” He chuckled into my shoulder before kissing it.

“That I can do. I’ll go order food, you should take a small break. Just leave the room for a few minutes and stretch your legs.” I nodded and kissed his cheek, getting off of the bed and following him out of the room. I made myself some tea and stepped out onto the balcony to get some fresh air. When I stepped back inside I felt better and I went back to my study materials, feeling like I had a fresh mindset. The material was finally making sense and my notes seemed to finally make sense. 

Travis came back and knocked on the open door. “Pizza’s here. And I got you an entire order of garlic bread.”

“Best boyfriend ever.” I jumped off the bed, running to hug him. “I love you. Thank you for coming to check on me. A break was exactly what I needed.”

“Good. Now let’s go eat way too many carbs and then you can study a little more before we go to sleep.” I nodded and we did exactly that. I went to my final the next morning and felt good when I left. By that night we were out at dinner to celebrate my finals being over when an email came through with my grade. “So?”

“95 percent! I passed!”

“I knew you could do it! I’m so proud of you, one more year and then you will be the best nurse ever!” I leaned over the table to kiss him, he was my rock and my biggest cheerleader.

Send me your Travis Konecny thoughts!!! 

[justapoet]

so dark up above, the sun's in my heart (and I'm ready for love)

He brought his legs to his chest, curling on himself while placing his arms on his knees and hiding his face in his arms. He wanted to cry ― he wanted so much ― but not a tear came to his eyes while the pain was weighing inside his chest, making it hard to breathe. The side of his head hurt, and TK could feel the blood rushing through his veins, making him thoroughly conscious that the pain was real because he was alive and his heart was beating.

There was no one, though. Not there, not in that moment when TK was feeling lonely and miserable like he had felt so many other times ― and there wouldn't be anyone because the last thing TK would do was to move and grab his phone. He wouldn't; because his body hurt, because he knew where it could lead, and because he didn't want to bother.

Or,

TK could really, really use a hug and something to break the deaf sound of his blank thoughts. Instead, Carlos offers him space ― and a little bit more of his heart, even if it already belongs to TK.

read on Ao3

TK wasn't a stranger to feeling down and restless, even less to medicate the feeling by sleeping the whole day around. He wasn't a stranger, also, to act like everything was fine and convince everyone surrounding him of the same ― and most times, he was really thankful for that.

He'd learned how to work things out without needing anyone else around because there were rare occasions he had had someone. His father was always with his found family in the firehouse, rarely staying home more than one night, and his mother found a way to be even more absent than her husband; so, TK learned at a pretty young age how to take care of himself and cope with his thoughts alone.

That's why he wasn't a stranger, too, at shitty coping mechanisms.

It wasn't something TK was proud of ― far from it, for sure ― but his tired and fucked up brain would always find a way out of the chaos and the pain. When he was fifteen, he'd found a way out of it through the drugs ― and if regret could kill, his heart would've stopped far before the overdose ― and it would work only so far. He'd feel good, relaxed, and happy just until his veins were clean again.

He would see the world in rainbows until the sunset left the sky to those same old gray clouds.

And right now, after a week and another shift from hell, there was a goddamn storm over his head, making him feel cold, tired, helpless, and trip over his feet. He had his shoulders bent to the point it was uncomfortable to even look at it, and his eyes were almost closing when he stepped into Carlos' condo.

The thing is: now, there was no way he could cope with his head like he used to do back in New York. Not now that he was in Austin, had a stable and good life, and had been sober for longer than a year. He couldn't slip up ― he wouldn't, he didn't want to. The only thing he was desperately begging for was to feel a little bit better.

No one at the station had noticed a thing, the mask over TK's face not slipping away for a second during the week. He had been just like always, laughing and joking around with everyone, talking about anything, smiling silly at every text Carlos would send him ― his normal self, with the usual gray cloud over his head. He didn't blame anyone for not noticing since it's always been there from the day he'd started at the station.

But there was Carlos, as well.

Out of all the things TK could endlessly love about Carlos, the things he couldn't quite understand had a unique space inside of his heart and tangled in his soul. Simple things that couldn't be processed by TK's mind, like the cop's endless patience or how he always seemed to have advice or a kind word on the tip of his tongue; the way his touch was soft even when he was stressed or how his voice was always steady; how he could love TK so openly and purely.

And how he seemed to understand every single detail about the paramedic, even if he didn't quite get where that specific thing came from.

How he would leave a tiny silver necklace of his over the coffee table in the living room, so TK had something to do with his hands while he was there, even if it was just to feel the little chain under his fingertips. The way Carlos had bought chocolate bars and left them in one of the kitchen cabinets just so TK would have something to help with his anxiety. Or even how Carlos put one more pillow to each one of them on his bed because TK would feel nauseous with just one.

TK really couldn't tell how Carlos had noticed all of that, those tiny things, because the paramedic himself hadn't. But he could tell for sure that, if he had seen those small things, of course, he would recognize the hell TK had been through the whole week.

Because they both had had a morning, an evening, and a night together off shift that week, and TK had slept the whole time instead of taking them out or picking a new romantic comedy for them to pretend to watch while stealing kisses. He didn't want to, he really didn't ― but he also didn't want to think, and his body just ached too much for him to find any strength to get up. Carlos didn't ask, didn't say a thing like always, but TK felt as he placed the duvet over his sleepy body and pressed a kiss to his temple.

Sometimes, it was disturbing how much Carlos could see on and around people. The man was an observer, choosing to understand the situation before making any conclusions out of the mess everyone would first see ― and TK thought that was pretty much the reason Carlos had dared to try to love him. Maybe it came with the job as a police officer, or perhaps it came just with who Carlos was, but it came with him somehow, and it was something to be admired.

Or cursed when TK didn't know how to react at that.

TK sat at the balcony after dropping his bag and keys and shoes somewhere around the well-organized house, his back pressed against the dark-painted wall and his body hidden by the big plant on a vase decorating the space. He had changed clothes at the station, the hoodie he had stolen from Carlos a while ago being slightly longer than his size ― which made it possible for the new yorker to hide his hands and fingers on the sleeves.

He brought his legs to his chest, curling on himself while placing his arms on his knees and hiding his face in his arms. He wanted to cry ― he wanted so much ― but not a tear came to his eyes while the pain was weighing inside his chest, making it hard to breathe. The side of his head hurt, and TK could feel the blood rushing through his veins, making him thoroughly conscious that the pain was real because he was alive and his heart was beating.

Usually, when moments like those happened, he would choose to be alone because the last thing he wanted was to make someone else feel something hurtful that could be related to what he was feeling. But right there, on Carlos' balcony in the middle of the night and alone, TK couldn't help but think he could really use a hug from anyone willing to give it.

There was no one, though. Not there, not in that moment when TK was feeling lonely and miserable like he had felt so many other times ― and there wouldn't be anyone because the last thing TK would do was to move and grab his phone. He wouldn't; because his body hurt, because he knew where it could lead, and because he didn't want to bother.

Pressing his cheek against one of his arms, TK closed his eyes in an attempt to ease the headache. His breaths were steady, and he was completely conscious of each one of them, making sure it wouldn't go out of that slow rhythm and lead him to a spiral of thoughts that wouldn't end well.

He didn't know when the act of letting his eyelids close led to restless sleep in that uncomfortable position. But the next time he opened his eyes and moved his neck for it to stop aching, Carlos was sitting in front of him with crossed legs and similar clothes as the ones TK was wearing.

Read the rest on Ao3

[thesocialfables]

Outside of Heaven's Hideaway, Echo stared up at the large neon marquee from behind the wheel of her Lamborghini Urus. For a quick moment, she smiled, thinking about the owner of the club and his inconsistencies. He couldn't afford to fix the ceiling in the locker rooms, but he managed to get a big ass LCD screen to show pictures of the girls you'd find inside the janky strip club.

Before covering her puffy eyes with a pair of shades and grabbing her bags, Echo looked over her Snapchat once more. Rolling her eyes at Lola's basic floor work, she managed to catch herself on the obnoxious marquee once again. Which wasn't hard considering she was in the slideshow more than any other girl. With a quick and nasty dismissive thought towards the couple living rent-free in her head, Echo pulled out her keys and packed them away with her phone before she headed inside the club. She chose to go through the front because she wanted to avoid everybody until she made her money for the night.

After being buzzed in to travel towards the locker rooms from the club’s lobby, Echo's heart warmed up a little, hearing those waiting to get in question if that was her or not. Then she heard Venus’s voice, as they passed each other in the small hall, say, "You really think you run shit, huh?" Venus stopped walked, so she could continue to speak to Echo, but behind her oversized Chanel frames, she just kept walking. To the woman’s back, Venus continued her conversation, "Well, since September covered you, you covering her next dance. You go on in fifteen."

"I don’t cover for nobody. I go on at 2." Echo replied back as she reached down into her Dior backpack to pull out the key to her private dressing room. As she slid the key into the lock, she paused for a moment, pressing her ear against the door. On the other side, she could hear a low voice and a quiet shuffling. "Oh, hell nah, " she thought to herself, pushing the door open and yelling, "Bitch, you got a lot of fucking nerves!"

Her suspicions of someone being inside her room were confirmed. However, it was only Echo's best friend, and another stripper at the club, Rhapsody. The girl had her feet kicked up as she carried on a conversation with herself. Echo’s voice had startled her so, the popcorn she was was snacking on flew around the room before she jumped up and quickly pulled the girl inside, closing the door behind them. "Girl, Lonzo been looking for you. I came in here hoping he'd think it was you."

Echo sighed in relief. As a veteran at Heaven’s, and the club's featured dancer, she did run shit. She started dancing when she was 19 and has been going hard for Alonzo and his Hideaway for the last ten years. From the moment you walked inside the club, you saw Echo. Every newcomer would ask if the girl in the pictures really worked here, and they never left disappointed after she emptied their pockets in the private rooms.

"And why you got on them big ass shades?" The two met here at Heaven's. Echo hated when other girls would say they loved Rhap 'for her confidence', not that it wasn't true. Rhapsody was good at her job because she kept her clients smiling. Even if it was just because she said something funny instead of giving them a lap dance. Echo hated it because it was usually their light skin, skinny waist, pretty bitch bias showing. But she was the mean girl.

Checking to make sure the door was locked behind her, Echo removed her shades for her bestie to see what she was hiding. Seeing the girl’s puffy-eyes and running mascara, Rhapsody immediately pulled Echo's 5'2" frame into her chocolate bosom. "FUCK FARGO!" She yelled loudly. As Echo attempted to pull away from her best friend's twins, she sympathized with victims of drowning. From in between Rhapsody's exposed tits, Echo chuckled a little before her tears began to fall once more. Feeling her tears roll freely down her stomach, Rhapsody knew Echo would rather be alone. Freeing her from their embrace, she watched the girl move away and begin to unpack her things for what was left of the night.

"I don't even understand why I keep crying. Or I why I even started," Echo spoke open handedly.  Knowing her friend was listening to her oncoming ramble, even as she started to clean up the popcorn she wasn’t supposed to have in Echo’s dressing room. "Me and him never even fucked. I just- I thought it was going to be more.” Leaning against the marble vanity of her wall-sized mirror, Echo avoided Rhapsody’s gentle gaze as she admitted, “I didn't cry when my Momma died.” As the words cleared her lips, Echo turned back towards the girl. Fighting back her tears, she continued to speak. “But- I don't know if it’s because I'm jealous, or if I'm sad, or if I'm just angry. I just- I can't stop fucking crying." Reaching out to fall back into her friend's embrace, Rhapsody covered her boobs with a nearby t-shirt and hugged her back tightly. She knew Echo’s tears had nothing to do with Fargo, or his new private dancer - Lola.

To survive in this life for ten years was a testimony. So many girls picked up this art form for the quick cash, only to end up ruined by it. Echo knew the only thing that kept her from experiencing the casualties of stripping was her praying mother. Before she passed, her mother wanted nothing more but for her to stop dancing. Yet, in the beginning, they needed the money. They had been struggling all of Echo's young life, so she accepted her daughter’s job as they finally made it out of the projects. In her last moments, as all her friends questioned what her little Dominique was up to now, she proudly bragged about how Echo changed their lives.

Maybe that's why she was crying because she never asked for Fargo's help or sympathy.  When she naturally refused and tried to push him away, he would tell her he wasn't offering because he thought she needed him. It was because he really wanted to be there for her. Either way, that was then, and this was now. She had obviously taken his words too literal, as he had now replaced her with Lola.

"Hey," Rhapsody comforted her friend, as she rubbed her hands across Echo's back. "Fuck Fargo. Fuck that bitch,  fuck them niggas with him, fuck Alonzo punk ass. Fuck everybody. Besides me...I mean, unless, you wanna fuck me."

In a healing fit of laughter, thanks to the one person she knew she could always count on, Echo wiped away her tears and prepared to get on stage. She really didn't want to just to prove her point. But since Rhapsody had been acting like she had been inside the room all night, Alonzo would soon enough be using the only other copy to the room to come check on her.

  Dressed in Savage x Fenty lingerie, with a matching garter and over-the-knee Balenciaga boots, the two women parted the hall like Moses as they headed towards the main stage. “Oh yeah, I think blondie and her boyfriend may have broken up." Rhapsody informed Echo as an explanation to the more than the usual stares the two would get from the other dancers.

"I saw Buddy putting him out earlier. And you better give him his key back too."

"This Buddy key? I thought he took it from Alonzo. Hold up, how the fuck Buddy got a key, and I don’t?" Echo just chuckled as she approached Venus behind the main stage. She intended to apologize to the woman for her attitude earlier, that was until TK announced Lola was coming to the stage. Over the uproar of applause, whistles, and other vulgar obscenities, Venus passed Echo a defeated look that said, "Don't shoot the messenger."

Echo's response was just as expressive. Smirking a little before softly touching Venus's shoulder. Using it as leverage, to follow right behind Lola, and go out on stage. From behind the stage, Rhapsody and Venus stood still. Predictably, the crowd of horny drunks became wild, as TK attempted to narrate the scene and call for help all at the same time. Two girls had never been on the stage at the same time, let alone two girls who were both crowd favorites.

"You about to lose yo job." Rhapsody teased as Venus looked on in suspense. The money was pouring in, but who was to say who it was for as a club full of grown as men turned into starstruck teenage girls. Pushing and pulling on each other to get close enough to the stage for one of the two beauties to at least look in their direction. Soon enough, violence ensued as the men turned aggressive and territorial - but all Echo cared about was the money that was flying through the sky to land at her feet.

"She about to lose her job," Venus said, really unsure of what would happen. "I liked her too." But she knew after being so close to Alonzo, and Fargo, Echo wasn't going anywhere. She could set fire to this place, and she'd still be the only dancer to ever receive a paycheck and full benefits.

"What is Echo doing? Get her off the stage now." Alonzo ordered. After working inside the Hideaway for so long, Venus and Rhapsody no longer questioned where the hell he came from. Yet, they stood still in shock of him choosing to reprimand Echo for her behavior – for the first time in ten years. Climbing onto the stage to pull Echo off himself, TK continued to provide commentary in hopes of not starting a riot. "What the fuck, Dominique! How we suppose to control these niggas if you giving them a reason to act up?"

"Me?" Echo responded, shocked. "Venus told me it was my time on stage, not hers! Pull her off!"

"Pull her- she been here all night! Working. How about you?" Echo remained silent. Her, Alonzo, and Buddy may have felt like a family after all these years, but they weren't. This was her job, and she was probably about to lose it. "I'm sorry about your Moms, really. I told you to take the time you needed. And you still can. But if you here, you follow the rules. Show up on time and don't give these drunk ass niggas no reason to-" Start shooting was what he was going to say, but the gunshots from the front of the club finished his sentence for him.

While Rhapsody took off towards the dressing rooms, Alonzo pulled Venus close to him, getting her to safety before she began to freak out. All the while, Echo climbed back on the stage and began to sweep the money into a large pile. She watched Lola, as she crawled away from the stage full of cash, shaking her head and telling her mother's voice in her head, "Oh shut up, I earned this."

"That shit more important than your life?" She ignored the voice and continued to grab all the cash for herself. "So, you can't hear me now?" Echo knew Buddy, and the security guards had whoever fired the shots by now, or at least they were long gone. Either way, Alonzo wasn’t closing the club for nothing short of a murder investigation. With this much money left behind, the only thing she was risking was giving a broke motherfucker the chance to pick it up and throw it back at the next bitch to come to the stage.

"I know this ain't about my party?" Her head finally snapped in Fargo's direction as he sat seated right next to the main stage, as a man of the streets, gunshots only fazed him if they were flying in his direction. Echo had noticed him sitting there after she bum-rushed the stage, but she wasn’t surprised, TK had just called Lola's name.  Once Echo's mom passed, he was there for the girl – as a friend. He thought about asking Echo to come through last night, not afraid to admit he had become addicted to watching the way Echo’s body moved for him. Nonetheless, he chose to invite Lola instead. And unlike when Echo came to dance for him and his rowdy boys, his dick even thanked him for the switch up. "You so emotional."

"No, I'm not. It's called loyalty. Maybe you should try it." As she spoke, Echo never once broke eye contact with Fargo. Even as she began to drop armfuls of money into her custom gym bag Buddy had fetched from behind the stage for her. All without even checking to see if he was actually there. Once the stage was empty, Fargo stood from his seat and stretched out his hand for Echo to step off the stage and talk to him like a rational adult. However, she used Buddy's instead and stood toe-to-toe with the man. A lot of niggas feared Fargo, even Alonzo, but Echo saw right through him.

"Everyone always talmbout loyalty, and don't even understand what it means."

"I know what it means."

"No, you know the definition." Fargo could see right through her as well. It was no doubt that Echo's face pulled him inside Heaven’s Hideaway one night, but she wasn't the only reason why he kept coming back. He often threw private events of his own and in the past, he'd ask Echo to come through and dance for him. "Your loyalty is to an object. Not a person."

"So I don't deserve yours? Is that what you saying?"

"I'm saying, you emotional."

"Did you fuck her?" She asked, fighting back her tears. She could really care less about what happened between him and Lola. She just needed someone to take accountability for her sorrow, because AIDS sure the fuck wasn't going to feel sorry for her loss.

Starting into Dominique's soul, Fargo remained suave. He knew what it was between the two of them. Outside of the strip club, they had grown close. She was more than just Echo to him, and he saw no point to kick her while she was down. Her mother had only been gone from her now for two weeks now. "Is my answer gone change your loyalty?"

"No, but you better not lie to me."

Fargo smiled a little before he reached down in his pocket and pulled out a knot of fresh ones. He dropped the stack in the bag Buddy held from his position in the friend zone. With the thought couldn’t be me, Fargo whispered in Echo’s ear, "Yes,” and gave her a quick kiss to her cheek. He finished up by saying, “See you around then, I guess." Before slipping away towards the private rooms - with Lola right on his heels.