#there is only two weeks left today
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i feel so stressed out by my emails i want to throw up
#there is only two weeks left today#but i sent my first email asking for these documents SIX weeks ago#i am SORRY for complaining about this every single day but it is all i think about#idk what im going to do if she doesnt send me this attestation#at this point im not even worried about my recommendation letter i have three others already#although this one would be better#but i at least would like to prove ive done research for her you know ??#i feel like it is a Major change / upgrade from last year’s application#and i need this upgrate to get in#UGH#i am *this* close to a proper mental breakdown
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two consecutive reactions to arcane s2ep7, an exhibit
#only had time for one ep today but that wrecked me enough#ekko arcane#jayce talis#arcane#arcane s2#arcane spoilers#arcane s2 spoilers#c speaks into the void#ok spoilers in the tags:#I HAVE BEEN CRYING FOR HOURS#ekko's stronger than me i would have never left#no because how do react to that. knowing there's a universe where your entire life didn't fall apart#powder is eventually going to realize that the reason ekko painted vi like that is because he knows how she would've looked if she lived#also tf happened to heimerdinger. did he just straight up vanish#for a moment there i thought jayce was c*nnibalizing himself until my sister told me he was eating an animal#last but not least FUCKING STROMAE??????#'LE PIRE C'EST TOI ET MOI'?????#'ennemie' sounding so much like 'ami' when he sings it i'm going to pass out#the song was the final blow tbh this will be in loop for a while#i am not ready for the other two i'm simply not#i need 3 weeks to recover from this one alone
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can you be baited into talking about the good aesthetics of jingrenheng? the themes? please and thank you and have a nice day?
................okay... just for you anon...
they have complimentary color palettes! jing yuan has a lot of light associations, blade dark associations, and dan heng's teals are gradient or in between
they all have a symbolic plant of sorts, which sounds funny, but it looks pretty. the gingko and the spider lilies and the maple leaves. those are also red orange and yellow which mix well together. and imbibitor lunae has a lotus thing going on but he and dan heng mostly look visually similar
they have sun moon star symbolism. jing yuan is the sun, blade or should i say yingxing (应星) is the star, and dan heng or should i say imbibitor lunae (饮月君) is the moon. you could also argue that jing yuan (景元) is the world that the celestial bodies orbit in... the center of gravity, but also easy to overlook as an unchanging part of the surroundings...
dan heng is also wearing something associated with both of them. yes, The Relic™. BUT his coat also reads the same poem from which jing yuan took the name of starfall reverie
and lastly they are just three beautiful men okay it's impossible for them not to look aesthetic together
THE THEMES ✨
a guy running from his past, a guy chasing it down and driven perpetually by it, and a guy who can do nothing but hold onto it. it's like a soap drama of perfect proportions
someone who represents the right path, someone who represents the wrong path, and someone who represents the neutral path or trailblazes their own path
they were entangled in their previous lives and they remain entangled now, by their own will or otherwise. it can't get any better than this themewise.
renjing
i was going to say something about what each individual ship in the trio brings to the trio but i got distracted. what was i talking about again
okay, renheng has this 'thin line between love and hate going on' (因爱��恨) and it's about the extremes of passion to me. the hunter and the hunted. it's about the things from the past that should be shed but cannot be. then hengjing has the 'reconnecting through lives and through the mire of identity'. it's about forging a future uncolored by the mist of the past while also acknowledging that that past was there and meant something. then renjing has everything renjing has. renjing has
sorry i can't be objective about them renjing has everything because they are my babies
ANYWAY the point is when you put them together you net the ability to explore all of these different relationship dynamics at the same time plus trio dynamics like the mediation, the competition, each of them feeling left out in their own way, varying levels of memory, varying levels of history... a feast for the feasters
i also think jingrenheng successfully resolves all three of their issues in the sense that it's a relatively stable way for each of them to be able to recognize but also make peace with their past, and not let it impede their future. if jingrenheng actually experienced enough character development to get together and not kill each other, that would mean they have fixed things. a win for everybody.
#🌃#honkai: star rail#jingrenheng#those are all my thoughts... i don't think about them often but it was fun#NOW LISTEN TO MY RENJING PROPAGANDA#renjing is childhood friends to lovers#it is ALSO enemies to lovers#it is tragic exes but it is also friends with benefits but it is also a miserable mess of a situationship but it is also#the only two people left who truly remember and understand each other for the goods and the bads#the person who changed and the person who remained the same... but both of them are actually both things#renjing is missed opportunities renjing is SEIZED opportunities renjing is EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!! EVERYTHING TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#okay i'm going to stop talking because i still haven't finished my first fic for renjing week and that's today omg bye#have a nice day my love whoever you are thanks for visiting <3#oh my god i forgot literally my favorite thing about them. THE ONE WHO LEFT AND THE ONE WHO STAYED
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if nobody’s got me i know a large vanilla latte got me can i get an amen
#i work a split shift today :)#so like. 11 - close#amazing!#but so i wanted to get a good sleep so i went to sleep at 1#anticipating a good 8-9 hour sleep#especially since it’s saturday like my roommate doesn’t work she sleeps in!#nope! she was up at 5 am :) crashing around :)#and she went out and then came back with a friend??? and i could hear them talking and shit??#by the time they left i knew i couldn’t fall back asleep#and ofc my brain is not kind to me today#loneliness really fucking sucks guys like i don’t recommend it#losing 3 friends in the span of two weeks is a talent#but i only have myself to blame!#i am literally the epitome of pushing through day by day#lindsay.text
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asagiri kafka save me from going to work asagiri kafka if u hear this save me from going to work🙏🙏🙏😞😞😞🦅
#AHHALDJSJSJ#my hours got cut lowkey thankfully so i’m only doing a 6 hour shift today but I CANT BE ARSEDDDDD#DHAKMDBWHS#tmi too probably but i got the coil in like last week tuesday and these past shifts have been so painful#but i only have like a week or two left then i leave for uni YAYYYYYY#crying sobbing breaking down#😞😞😞#lea.txt
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Anyway how is everyone doing
#had to get up at 6 in the morning and therefore had 4 hours of sleep today (a weekly occurence pretty much)#so i just took a nap which took all evening and i'm still tired yayyyyy. because naps only work how they should about 10% of the time#and also i did nothing else today because sleep and now i'm truly wondering what to do with myself anymore#meanwhile i have to get up and go to school again tomorrow 😑 and the day after that 😑 and the day after that 😑#or i could drop out again and have nothing else to do anyway and continue rotting in my room#(whether it's my dorm room or my actual room doesn't matter). what's the pointtttttt#might be reaching some kind of limit or maybe i'm truly just dramatising and should just chill about it all#save me 4 hours of music listening now probably. idk man#got my minimal amount of social interaction today in the form of riding the elevator with 3 of the ppl from my course#when i could have (and normally would have) just taken the stairs instead#i feel like i made a big important step today that will help me later on through this year (no not really)#at least one thing i've noticed recently is that i might have the reverse of what is i guess is usually called seasonal depression#in the sense that now that it's chilly and cloudy and it gets dark earlier i feel like i'm finally LIVING in a way#the good effect of that will probably pass after a week or two though#but also just a bit over a month left now until my birthday and then my long awaited trip!!#anyone else get unreasonably excited for their birthday each year even though there's never anything special about it in the end#and that only makes the day more depressing lol#ok whatever i'm done whining now i think. music time then#celebrating (a bit late) one year of gratsax and lil beethoven today. some of the albums of all time for me personally#goosepost
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the thing abt grad school is that it's hard and after a year and a half im kind of already ready for it to be done with by now but also idk wtf im gonna do once im out
#i wanna talk about me#but i still have another year and a half so. pblblpblbpl :P#actually my last year is gonna be kind of bizarre bc i'm more or less committed to a fifth and sixth semester full time for my fellowship#but will only have 2-3 required classes left total (3 classes a semester is the full time enrollment min)#so i'll have 3-4 classes worth of credits to just. do whatever tf i want to.#maybe i'll take some oboe or piano lessons again. or fuck around and try voice or conducting#take some theater history. idk#see what's available ig#i really did not realize until today how little i have left in my libsci program#even changing my plans and taking only one libsci class next sem instead of my planned two#(with apologies to my libsci advisor. sorry im not taking your class like i said i might. i am more interested in arts admin.)#but i'll only have 3 electives left after that#im on a mission to minmax this dual degree in the most confusing and unconventional way possible#still havent heard back about my damn french credit thojgh. it's been three weeks and multiple emails.#um anyway#tired.
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I need to go. Store.
#i need another suit case#and i have to buy formal clothes. for the job that im getting fired from. like i literally only have one or two days left (they still#havnt actually told me the day l o l) but i have to fucking show up in formal clothes so that they can take pictures even though im not even#gonna BE there :(#i wanna get candy for my students too.#and i still need to have lesson plans for my last day.#my new job is live streaming so that should be fun but the set up gives me the hebbie jeebies cajse of past shit so im a little worried.#should be fine though.#im a little shook up. today. im hoping ill feel better.#life is quiet though. its calm.#but i need to pack all my shit up and clean.#my mom is coming in a week or so. she wont be here for Halloween thankfully#i dont know what to do with my self. idk if ive ever been this. awake. before.#usually i watch over the garden wall and make my self some soup or something on my birthday. and just do my best to ignore everything#but its just. its fine. ill be fine nothing js really that bad. it just feels that way.#oh im gonna go find some alter wrote forever ago i think that will help.#i need to go to the store#i miss a person whos never existed#maybe ill actually be able to settle in to my new job#i also want to start taking Mandarin lessons. but i keep forgetting
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Me panicking because i have 9 missed calls and 5 emails talking about my absence and how "a colleague could take over for me" vs. Me knowing it's really not that important no matter how pushy a client is and that on top of it I'm underpaid and have way to much overtime so i shouldn't even care
#i have 14 hours overtime#collected within 2 weeks lol#you know how it's apparently mandatory for companies in germany to have a way track employees working time? yeah we're#the only company in the whole fucking country who doesn't do that (obviously that's not true there's probably plenty more but it's#still not right.) so we don't get paid overtime nor does it get acknowledged in any way#so technically we're not allowed to even it out (which most people try to do anyway because tf do they think they are asking us to work for#free) but I'm dedicated to not collect any more unpaid working hours so i take the liberty to leave work early this week#so today i left at 12pm (and then got home 4 hours later because another person decided to kill themselves by train. they should call me#first. or anyone else taking the train. I'm sure there'd be plenty of volunteers to do the killing if it means not another miserable day#stuck in a disgusting train). and i logged in again at 6pm today to see if i have anything important messages (stupid i know)#and i saw the missed calls and that there had been an email exchange with me in the cc talking about the 'changes' made in one of the#articles and that someone else could do that for me since i couldn't be reached and at first i felt ashamed and scared#but now it's honestly just pissing me off. that asshole can't write emails and communicate requests like normal people can he#he already called me last week about something completely stupid and acts like his matters are the most important shit in the world#fuck you if you can't wait one day you should have sent this a month earlier because i won't stay online everyday#just to see if there might be an 'important' change you want me to make Immediately. bitch.#also missed two calls from my colleague but she didn't send any messages about what she wanted so i asked her because i felt bad for not#being online and turns out she wanted Nothing. just hear how i was. JUST TEXT ME THEN???? I HATE IT HERE FUCK YOU#seriously i don't get paid enough for this to bother me so much. she probably gets 12-15€ more than me per hour#of course she doesn't care about her overtime as much as i do. i get minimum wage which is less than what I'd get if i still worked at uni#as a student assistant so fuck this shit it's really not important or worth it. from now on i'll only put in minimum effort too#sorry got carried away. rant over now i guess#void screams#work stuff
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i actually have to get the portfolio done today if it kills me and i will do it !!
#i'm about halway through editing but also i do have only about three hours left of today#and its due tomorrow#anyways tomorrow im going to see the touring production of life of pi for exam reasons with school and i'm veryvery excited#the puppetry and set design are SO COOL#bouncing up and down because of them for the past two weeks#that's all for now i'm going to get this finished and then when i'm done i'll have a treat#maybe squashies#i am playing the wordcount equivalent of yarn chicken#2000 words max anything over won't be marked#and i'm currently ~1900 words#which means it's a constant game of adding and deleting phrases and rewriting things#and this is with most of my work being in picture form so the wordcount is less#joy of joys#hhhhh#con rambles
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grumpy
#mossy selfies#housemate has tested positive for covid#could explain why i’ve been feeling like hell the last two weeks#but i’m testing neg#fuck knows#i’m worried about my cat catching it#my bank account is in the negative#almost out of cat food before i get paid#out of groceries for myself have only eaten miso soup and left over veg pizza today#idk what i’m going to do
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being moved to a different classroom for my last week while the head of the program pretends she's doing me a favor but she's really doing my supervisor a favor 🙃
#she said she wanted me not to feel bad and be in a bad situation#but im p sure she did it bc my supervisor was up in the office talking shit ant me again this morning#she was acting all nice but 🤨#she's not nice soooo#also she didn't even follow up when i mentioned safety concerns for the kids when she asked why i was leaving#and she didn't ask me to stay#she did seem sympathetic but idk my co teacher thinks it was a favor to our supervisor to keep her happy#bc thry still think she walks on water#im so worried for the kids but it should be less stressful in t2#also the teacher i swapped with today saw me two hours later and she was like: girl i get it 💀💀💀#lmao#so sad for the kids tho#but excited abt new opportunities#but i did want to have the time to say goodbye to the kids#its probably better to transition them this way bc they'll still see me a little bit the last week but not all day#and get used to me not always being there#so they won't care as much when i'm completely gone the week after 😭#but they were crying at thebgate between the playgrounds today and it was really hard#i was holding finn's hand over the gate 🥺#then we combined classes for the end of the day on the playground and that was like 10 minutes before i went home#so they got happy for a bit then broke down again when i said goodbye 😭#teddy was screaming at the door the whole time after i left 😭#i watched thru the classroom window while the other teachers were consoling them and it was so sad 💔#i've only had one cry when i went home before but this time it was half of them#bc they barely saw me all day then i left as soon as they thought i was going to stay#anyway#i have a job interview tomorrow and surgery#and maybe a second job interview#trying to focus on that rn#still glad i'm quitting but 💔
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Sometimes it feels like my mom punishes me for things I can't control and it's actually kinda really upsetting.
#i fell asleep yesterday after work as i mentioned before and that means i wasn't able to wash up after dinner#she said to me today that if i fell asleeo again before dinner she'd be pissed off at me#and usually a comment like that wouldn't bother me#but I'm the only one working full time/ with two jobs in my house#especially when my brothers don't do anything around the house#even though they don't have jobs/ do anything full time. and yet the responsibility of housekeeping is always left to me#even if I'm tired. The reason i can't fo to sleep early ia because cleaning the downstairs before i go takes a while#ofc it would when you have a family of 9 and you're the only person doing it#she never asks them either#and then she gets upset at me if like yesterday i don't do these things#and it's like#everyone keeps telling me fo stop treating myself as a machine#but it's kinda hard when everyone else does the same#today/ this week when work has been really tough and im struggling already because im having a hard time#it's the last thing you wanna hear that someone's upset at you for doing something that could have been shared between others#i don't know it just feels like a sledgehammer fo the chest every time#i just feel I'm constantly disappointing someone because im not able to do what they say#ans no matter how much i say it's unfair nothing ever changes.
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starting the year ✨wrong✨
#(this is about work ok. long rant in the tags bc auauauauauauauuauauauauauauauaaaaaaaa)#i’ve worked for just t h r e e (3!!!!) days this year and i think im already all burned out lmao#first i was stuck doing 2 workstations bc this freakin’ b o z o of a coworker decided to take the week off without prior notice#and *t h e n* the internal components of one of said workstations kicked the bucket and was only replaced today. sads.#rip to our wasted time and futile fixing efforts though. flashtag wetried#that’s not all t h o u g h i was told that i have to jump to the other work shift bc one of my coworkers is resigning#b u t the thing is. all of the other dudes in that shift are from [insert bordering country] and always speak in their nation’s language#so i won’t be able to communicate well with them for the most part esp s o bs#and if [insert country here] has a national holiday and a l l of them decide to take the day off..#well. um. ahahahaha. im ✨screwed✨#(but speaking of taking the day off… one of said guys on that shift has an approved leave for cny. which is funny bc he’s not even chinese)#(rips if the actual other chinese dude on that team has his leave request rejected bc of that guy lol. happy cny to him ig)#a n d also i was made to (sorta) teach these two new coworkers (of sorts) the workstation i’m at for the week#b u t the thing is. i do everything here by left (didn’t receive formal training either lmao sadge)#and i also couldn’t explain anything well in general bc it seems like my flow of thoughts can’t streamline itself ig#so i think i confused the poor guys more than anything. but like. why me??????? aaaauauaaaaaaaaaa#idk why one of them came back for more ‘education’ from me thoughhhhh#i’ve tried teaching ‘em stuff at another workstation before this and my feedback was ‘wait slow down you talk too fast’ s o o o o .#ig i’ll have to guide them though again in the morning though. sighs. this wasnt in my job description :(#speaking of job descriptions though… this h e l l a annoying guy no one likes who resigned a few months ago (to much rejoicing)…#is!!!!! coming!!!! back!!!!! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa#w h y. like. w h y. why is he so attached to this company he l l o? why is our manager so attached to him helloooooooo????? why him???????#our workloads literally t r i p l e when he’s around bc he’s just the way he is. auauauauauauauauaaaaaaaaaaaa#aaaaaaaaaaa i dont wanna work aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa#science industry (derogatory) questionable laboratory conditions (derogatory)#felt cute; thought about retiring early idk
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Save me, sativa-dominant hybrid…
#I need to do the dishes and put away my laundry but I am out of adhd meds#why am I out of adhd meds?#well I’ll tell you#because when I called my prescriber and told them ‘hey I only have a week left of meds’#they were like ‘ok we’ll get your doctor to get on that’#of course they didn’t tell me that he was on a two week vacation and was only getting back today#so that’s cool
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i'm just fucking sitting here on the couch, time team playing in the background, scrolling/doing nothing, a pit of anxiety in my stomach bc i haven't designed the worksheets for the peer-review workshop tomorrow afternoon. i also haven't eaten dinner and can't seem to bring myself to get up and put a pizza in the oven or something. i could at least be working on a yarn project (such as the gifts i need to finish before dec. 9) but i'm not. UGH.
#personal#whine whine complain complain#i'm sad that there are only two classes left in the term#but i'm also really really REALLY looking forward to not needing to commute into town 3x a week#maybe once the semester is over i can actually work on fixing up the office so that it's an inviting space to actually do work in#instead of a fucking black hole#at least i did do one thing today that i'd been putting off#(drove to the mall for a return)
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