#there is no escape from neurodivergency between them

[melonymint753]

Hades, slightly drunk, leaning on Persephone while they watch Mel garden: of all the sperm I produced.. it's the autistic one that made it

Persephone: bold of you to assume there was just the one

[drchucktingle]

a moment to check the gears and cogs

feel like i want to talk a little on the message of a recent post because i think it is an important point. when i say that you do not need to QUALIFY OR DEFEND your love of tinglers or my work in general, i am pointing out an interesting social anomaly that happens with my art and with queer art.

as an autistic buckaroo i notice patterns, and on social media i see them a lot. little phrases that come up again and again with my art. ‘yes THAT chuck tingle’ ‘its ACTUALLY good’ ’my favorite author i have never read’ ‘so bad its good’. these are always added after a POSITIVE comment about me

they also all have something in common. they are trying to distance the posters SINCERE JOY and give them an out socially. it is very very very subtle, but they are all saying ‘yes i like this but here is a sliver of acknowledgment that it is also weird or bad or ironic. in not REALLY fully in'

essentially these are added because it means the poster can escape their very real joy if needed. try applying these phrases to any other popular author. its much more subtle with the first two: ‘i liked all fours by miranda july, yes THAT miranda july. its ACTUALLY good’. what does this imply?

the other examples are a little more blatant but lets try them with other authors anyway. imagine saying ‘youre my favorite author i have never read’ to stephen king. would you EVER say that to someone? what does that imply? how about 'i love your books theyre so bad theyre good'. horrifyingly rude

lets dive into saying 'CHUCK TINGLE is my favorite author i have never read’ sounds unusual when substituting other authors because theyre usually not queer or autistic or making outsider art. to be blunt, why CHUCK gets it all the time is because it really means 'i like chuck tingle but im not gay’

while we have mostly culturally evolved past the idea that saying ‘no homo’ is some kind of joke, that FEELING is still around. it has just burrowed a little deeper. honestly it might never go away, or at least take centuries. remember these people GENUINELY LIKE MY BOOKS but feel they MUST qualify

should also be pointed out that LEFT and LIBERAL people are the ones who say this stuff to chuck. they do not MEAN to harm, and if you ask them directly how they feel about queer or neurodivergent people they would not express the same opinion as their subliminal comments might imply

the final elephant trotting by is while some of this is homophobia and fear of a neurodivergent other, it is also just plain old IRONY POISONING. its conditioning from being raised on an internet where sincerity was ‘cringe' and loving something was a weakness or joke. these problems work in tandem

so whats the point? what can we do? first of all, just recognizing these patterns is a start. i didnt HAVE to write all of this today but i think its important to be aware and to look inward and think about the gears and cogs that churn behind the things we say. NEXT step is trying to push past it

if you have done these things in the past, i want you to know i am NOT AT ALL UPSET. i am not mad or hurt and i do not think any less of you. you can trot by my side any day and you are trying your best to prove love. we are ALL just tryin our best, just consider this a friendly chat between buds

proving love can happen in BIG WAYS and it can happen in SMALL WAYS that we barely see. just take a moment and think ‘WHY am i saying this? WHY am i in this pattern to distance myself from outsider or queer art?’ a little moment of consideration goes a LONG way buckaroos. LOVE IS REAL

[henry-fox-biggest-stan]

Me because the Percy Jackson series is actually about the different cycles of abuse, which include abuse within romantic partners (Sally and Gabe), abuse between “family” (Percy and Gabe, Meg and Nero), abuse from people in positions of power (the gods over the demigods), and so on, oppression than ranges from having adhd in the public educational system to being forced to perform quests for your entire life for people who could not care less about your well-being, how camp is both somewhere safe but also the bittersweet taste of arriving there and realizing you can never escape, you can never be normal your life will never be the same. There’s no turning back. How Luke was right on theory but not on acts, how these kids got around the idea to never make it to 18, and how there was nothing they could do about that. How many of them sat in their cabins, counting down the days until their sibling/friend/partner came back, only for them to not come back at all. Was it ever their turn to leave someone waiting behind? Annabeth, Percy, Grover, Thalia, the whole deal with Nico, Bianca, Silena, and every single demigod. Children of Apollo were the camp healers, was it a choice? A moral obligation? In camp Jupiter there’s Jason, there’s Reyna, Piper’s story, Leo’s story, Leo lived on the street, the way Jason and Piper’s relationship was heteronormativity pushed by Hera because both of them were queer but she wanted a perfect couple. After being gone missing, people searched for Percy, but Jason? The devastation of Leo and Jason’s relationship, how Leo never knew his feelings for him were required, how both Leo and Piper thought they knew Jason but it was all fake memories, how Jason never fully got his memories back. Hazel’s story, Frank’s story, how Nico and Leo’s mutual dislike for each other comes from a place of understatement. How they both see themselves in each other and look away as one looks away from a mirror when they dislike their reflection. They are both so similar, almost the same. They both are also autistic, except Leo is always masking, and Nico never really learnt how to. Neurodivergence, adhd and dyslexia. Being a demigod is a metaphor for neurodiversity. Was Dionysus actual punishment looking over camp? Or was it spending years and years seeing demigods come and grow and die? Knowing there was nothing he could do about it? Knowing than if he was with the gods, he would be causing their deaths, instead of grieving them? Does Chiron feel hopeless? Memory, names, ghosts. Blades, swords, arrows, blood. So many blood, blood-stained hands. Monsters follow you before coming to camp, did they hurt you family? It was all your fault. They don’t want you to come back, you bring danger, you’re more dangerous than the monster, you are a monster yourself, after all the Minotaur was a demigod too. Leo killed his mother, Zeus killed Maria, Sally got taken to the underworld, Tristan was held hostage, Fredrick and his wife and sons got attacked by monsters, and who’s fault it was? You run away you keep on running but you’ll never outrun the danger because the danger is yourself, you are at fault, how do you run away now?

The odyssey, the iliad, the statues in museums, you look at them, do you see yourself? Do you see any resemble? Your nose kinda looks like theirs, the shape of their lips, the width of their hands, but that’s a lie you’re nothing like them, never will be, is that a tragedy? Do you want to be like them? Do you want to be a hero and die a heroic death? Or do you simply wish to visit your family on Christmas and live the life your little cousins will eventually live? Maybe you’ll never see the life they’ll live, maybe you’ll die before seeing it. There’s nothing to be done about that, you just have to accept it. Don’t you feel the rage, bubbling inside of you, making your hands shake? What can you do with it? Not much, remember last time, remember Luke, what did he accomplish? Nothing, blood, screams. You remember the war, you remember the city, maybe it was the first or the second time you set a foot on it, now every single time you do (if you do) in the future, it will be tainted. Look in that corner, that used to be destroyed. Look at that building, my friend died against that wall, that road was filled with blood. Was it ours? Theirs? Is there even a difference between us? Should there be? Why were you on your side? Why were they in theirs? Who was right? Who was wrong? You can go anywhere but home, maybe you’re not welcomed, maybe there’s no home to return, maybe it’s better for everyone if you don’t return. Nico keeps Bianca’s jacket, Leo taps iloveyou on Morse code. Piper was forced to be someone she wasn’t, she thought she was someone she was not, she was forced to think that. Who is she? Is she even who she thought she was? Jason still don’t remembers everything, and him? Who is he? Nico will never get his memories back, he wonders about his mom, did he have more family back then? Grandparents, aunts? Hazel is a walking curse. Silena and Clarisse as Patroklos and Achilles. Apollo seeing the brutal reality of demigods’ life on trials of apollo.

Your hand shakes, the sword you hold moves, you feel it’s weight, do you want to hold it? Do you have to?

The dead come back to haunt us, Nico sees Bianca everywhere, Leo still remembers his mother’s voice, Hazel came back from the dead, Frank holds his life on his pocket, Thalia lost a brother twice, Leo didn’t really die, Jason died instead, Percy wished to drown himself, half of camp still waits for their brother to come back, even if it has been months, even if it has been years. Luke’s mother still waits, was she crazy? The campers who thought to recognize their friend’s face for a second before remembering than it couldn’t possibly be them, were they crazy too? Who was crazier? Luke’s mother who did not remember, or the campers who did? The underworld has no mercy only justice, but the world has no justice only mercy. You might get mercy, but you never will get justice. Was it fair anything than happened to them? You might be spared in a war or in a battle out of mercy, out of pity, out of recognition, but that didn’t stop you from having to fight in it, that didn’t stop you from having to wield the sword. Spare all the people you want, turn a blind eye to whatever you want, mercy? sure, but you were still holding the sword, you were still supposed to fight, you still weren’t in charge of your life. How was that justice? How was that fair? Names had power, even their names had more power than your life, even the letters making up their names were more powerful than your fists, could you ever win? Could you ever win when their names were so powerful they could not be pronounced but your life was so worthless they didn’t even care to learn yours? To learn the names of the ones than died because of them. You can’t say the name of you sister’s killer, but you’re still expected to burn an offering to them each night at dinner.

[queenie-ofthe-void]

Stuck

~1.5k words || rating: teen || cws: dissociation; unlabeled neurodivergencies and mental illnesses

He’s never quite sure how it happens, seeming to always sneak up on him. One minute he’s up and moving around, usually cleaning, organizing, or just meandering around the house. The next, he’s lying on the floor in the middle of the living room. He tries to move but can’t. Not because he’s physically restrained, like when the rope from the Russians cut into his wrists or how the vines constricted his neck. 

No, Steve’s just lying here on the floor, trapped in his own mind. His eyes are raw, stinging with dryness. Painful tingles pop throughout his right arm from where his head rests heavy on his bicep. His hip and shoulder ache. He can’t move or talk or blink. Can barely think. He’s not in his body. 

He’s lost. Stuck.

Getting stuck means losing time, chunks of days lost to a void. It means missing meals and unanswered phone calls. Growing up, it felt like an escape. A safe way to pass the time between eating and sleeping. He’d come back to himself, sometimes hours later, sore and hungry, mustering up energy he didn’t have. Once, his parents discovered him frozen on the ground. Mom’s yelling and Dad’s foot shoving his side brought him jolting back into his body. Like waking from a nightmare, rising from the dead chased by panic. 

It happens less now, but still catches up to him when he’s exhausted. He thinks today it was the kids– they were particularly obnoxious. Yelling excitedly about Eddie’s new campaign ideas, trucking in snow from outside after building a demo-snowman. Cooking for them, cleaning after them, getting them home safe.

Yeah, he gets how he maybe overdid it a bit. 

But with Eddie here, it’s easier. His sweetheart always knows how to help, usually checking up on him after stressful days. Hopefully he comes to check on him soon.

Because Steve can’t move. Or talk. Or even blink.

The sun is starting to set.

~~~

The Party were extra chaotic today, pushing him to the fringes of patience. He’s thrilled they’re excited about his newest campaign ideas, but god, did they have to be so unbearably loud about it? Dustin’s screeches are still rattling between his ears. Not to mention the soreness he feels from helping the kids build a snowman demo-thing and the ensuing snowball fight. 

The idea of an occult campaign has been percolating in Eddie’s brain for weeks, and after the day he’s had, he’s lost to the research. Perched on a chair upstairs in their bedroom, books are scattered across the desk and onto their bed next to him. Typically, creative deep-dives restore his energy after a long day. But when he’s well and truly exhausted, he’ll lose hours at a time to the work. Getting stuck, according to Steve. And yeah, Eddie can see how that fits.

Growing up, Eddie would lose hours throwing himself into his latest and greatest project, whether it be drawing, playing guitar, writing campaigns, reading or even the time he tried juggling. Entranced by his newest obsession, his surroundings would fade into the background. He’d forget to do his homework, to eat or drink. Hell, sometimes he’d forget to pee. Wayne’d drop a gentle hand to his shoulder– pulling him back to reality– and he’d take off like a shot to the bathroom. Every sensation hitting all at once: bladder about to burst, stomach rumbling, dry mouth, headache, body stiff and achy. 

As he gets older, it’s still a frequent occurrence. So Robin had given him the idea of setting alarms, saying it helps her remember to take breaks while studying. And he’s thankful, because it works like a charm when he actually remembers. But when he forgets, his Stevie takes care of him. 

He’ll find Eddie crouched awkwardly by the desk, eyes manic, only seeing what’s in front of him. Eddie will eat or drink anything Steve gives him, barely tasting whatever it is, just as long as he can see it. And Steve lets him be for at least a few hours so he can burn energy into whatever project he's lost himself in. All Steve cares is that he’s fed and hydrated. Usually, Eddie comes to slowly, with Steve’s fingers gently carding through his hair, or soft strokes up and down his spine.

Now Eddie breaks his own musings, eyes strained, hungry, and needing to stretch. He can’t help but wonder why his sweetheart hasn’t checked on him. 

Moonlight is shining through the window.

~~~

It’s eerily quiet as Eddie makes his way down the stairs. He half expects to find Steve stress-baking, but the kitchen is dark. 

So he checks the garage– the car is still here. And the backyard– he never sits by the pool alone. Then the front porch– maybe he went out for a smoke.

Guilt eats at Eddie as he finds his beautiful boy on the living room floor, curled into himself.

Stuck. 

He hates finding Steve like this– stuck and lost like Eddie’s engrossed fantasies. Yet so, so different. 

The first time Eddie found him, unresponsive and immovable, he spiraled into a panic so strong Steve had broken free of his own melancholy, finding Eddie hyperventilating and sobbing in the midst of a flashback. Too much like Chrissy. Like Patrick and Nancy. 

They'd talked about it. And Eddie had appreciated afterwards how Steve struggled to describe what being stuck feels like, why it happens, what to do about it. It'd helped. 

So on grey days, long nights, the holidays, or when the kids are extra rowdy, Eddie looks for the signs. He's been good about getting Steve to slow down before it's too late. 

But on rare occasions, there will be a day like today. When it’s too much for both of them.

Eddie doesn't know how long his baby’s been lying here. Doesn't know when he ate or drank or even blinked. Because he’d holed himself up, desperate for time alone to just think. To be with himself after spending all day surrounded by people. But he forgot to set an alarm, assuming Steve would be there.

He focuses on his sweetheart, slowly kneeling down next to him so as not to startle him. Remembers all of the tips and tricks Steve needs. 

"Hey honey," Eddie whispers, close enough to be present but not overwhelming. "Don't worry baby we'll get you unstuck I promise. I'm going to reach out and grab your hand now ok?" 

He continues to whisper gentle praises and reassurances as he holds Steve's hand. It's limp for a time, and Eddie is hungry, but he doesn't stop. Time is lost to them both again, until he feels a slight squeeze on his fingers. Steve finally blinks, slow and hard. 

"Hey big boy, love to see those pretty, long eyelashes.” He smiles down at his baby, honeyed hazel eyes slowly refocusing. “Alright, once for no and two for yes: do you want me to help you onto the couch?" 

A full minute passes before Eddie feels two gentle squeezes to his fingers. 

"That's great sweetheart. I'm gonna tilt you to sit up and we'll get you settled. Then I'm going to ask if you want anything. Ready?" Two squeezes.

They finally get to the couch, and Eddie can already feel a strong sense of relief at just seeing his baby move off the floor. He hears Steve's back pop as they stand, decides he'll give him a massage later. 

It goes on. And on and on. Eddie follows the process of squeezes until Steve is unstuck and back in his body. 

"Water?" Two squeezes.

"Food?" One squeeze.

"Blanket?" Two squeezes. 

Eddie's patience always pays off. He's got Steve set up on the couch, hydrated and relaxed, with his favorite movie playing softly. He’s managed to grab a bowl of cereal for himself. They're cuddled and warm with Steve’s head in his lap. Eddie glides his fingers up and down the sore side of Steve’s body, gently squeezing as he goes.

~~~

Steve comes back to himself surrounded by love. 

His eyes sting and his mouth is dry. He doesn't know what time it is, but notices the sun has long set, moonlight shining through the curtains. The bones in his neck crack and his joints pop as he stretches.

But he's warm under the blankets, tucked into his boyfriend's chest as they watch the teddy bear Star Wars. Eddie's loosely twirling the hairs at the nape of his neck, lightly tugging and sending tingles down his spine. There's a glass of water and crackers on the table in front of him. 

Getting stuck inside his head terrifies him, something he dreads as much as the night terrors. 

But with Eddie, it's easier, happens less often. And when it does, he always wakes up to love.

~~

This was a pure self-indulgence fic. An exact recreation of my relationship with my partner. It fits my headcanon for the boys perfectly (though I'm obviously biased haha)

[adventuringblind]

Medication Mishaps

Landoscar x Reader

Genre: Fluff and Crack

Summary: When a mix-up in meds leaves her without any, Lando and Oscar are there to her navigate without them.

Warnings:

Notes: for @norizznorris. Sorry I don't do male readers! Regardless, I hope this is what you wanted! :)

Side Note: This one made me laugh the entire time while writing it. My fiancé is unmedicated and very high on the ADHD spectrum. Every day is an adventure!

Masterlist // Request Form // My Website // buy me a Ko-Fi

Ah, the joys of being neurodivergent. When somehow the world is to much and simultaneously to little. When the nagging impulsive thoughts and continues need for caffeine aren't enough, then the interests that lay dormant for years come back swinging; upset they've been neglected for so long.

Medication helps. Which - of course it does - it's engineered brain chemicals in the form of a chalky pill designed to help someone function in a world where only one kind of brain is excepted. It's better than it was, the world has come further in recent years.

yet here she is, taking her last pill from the bottle. A little piece in her cries knowing she'll have to go pick up her new meds today. The pharmacy feels like to much and she'd rather lay in bed and give into the executive dysfunction. Then she remembers she's flying with Lando and Oscar to their race tomorrow.

With that thought in mind, she groans and hauls herself out of bed. The boys are doing factory work today and won't be back until later. Plenty of time to come home and waste away the hours in bed and pray her energy comes back.

~~~~~

She lied to herself earlier. Any optimism for the day has just disappeared.

"What do you mean you don't have my meds?"

"There was a mix-up with the orders, but we'll have them in a few days." The pharmacist gives her a sheepish smile.

She just sighs and turns on the balls of her feet. How she's going to tell her boys, she has no idea yet. The insecurity of them not wanting her around the paddock because of in burns in the back of her mind.

She still has today at least. Maybe she'll just ride it out and not tell them.

That plan fails miserably the second they walk into the flat. The sight of her visibly distressed on the couch alerts them that something is wrong.

The sit down on either side of her. The question trying to escape their mouths. She beats them to it. "There was a mix-up with my meds. I won't have them until after we get back."

"And we'll help you manage, yeah? You'd do the same for us."

"Lan... she has done the same for you, like, daily."

"Rude!"

~~~~~

Sometimes, she's convinced she lives on a different planet entirely. Like the brain and body she has are simply not meant to be here and there must have been a mistake with the storks.

Lando hands her a Redbull, courtesy of Max since he has to many. "I figured this might help?" Seeing as she nearly just threw hands with whoever was chewing unnecessarily loudly, caffeine might help.

She looks at Lando and Oscar, between the three of them, there are seven drinks. Only one of which is the Aussie's. "Oscar is being boring again."

the man in question huffs. "Water is good for you."

"But it's wretched to taste sometimes."

Lando nods at her in agreement. "See Oscar, boring."

"Nothing is ever boring with you two."

~~~~~

The beginning wasn't bad. Not like it is right now with her brain only wanting to do one specific things, she hasn't remember to eat since early this morning, and the tag on her shirt makes her want to pull her skin off.

Oscar looks at her curled up in his drivers room with a horrendous amount of care and sympathy. He slots in next to her and leans his head against the wall. "Hard day?"

"I need like - five pounds of dino nuggies and a nap."

"Anything I can do to help right now? We'll work on food when Lando is done."

She curls up in Oscar's lap like a cat. The lack of regulated sleep finally catching up to her. She's on the verge of sleep when Lando busts through the door yelling about something.

She throws a pillow at him in annoyance. "You owe me food."

Lando pauses. "That sounds brilliant."

Oscar shakes his head in defeat later that night as Lando gradually sneaks food off her plate and pretends they can't see him. If he's not caught then it didn't happen and Jon can't get mad at him.

~~~~~

She hasn't stopped talking with Lando for the last two hours. What exactly they've been going on about, she has no idea at this point. Their original conversation led to rabbit trails and other distractions that got in the way. The original story now long forgotten as they discuss the possibilities for new shoes.

Her phone dings, an automated message alerting her to her refilled meds. She shows Lando in excitement. The joys of functioning like a human again are nearly in her grasp.

Lando and Oscar both look at her in amusement. The latter has been using their conversation as an excuse to read. He sets his book down, a look she hasn't seen before crossing his features.

"Have you ever thought what it would be like if you didn't have to take meds?"

Lando shoots him a nasty glare. "Oi, she can't help-"

"Not what I meant." The Aussie crashes onto the bed with them, book now tucked away. "I just mean that having a different kind of brain shouldn't be such a difficult thing for the world to cope with. But the second someone is different-" He looks at Lando. "-Like they struggle with reading or processing information." Then he turns to her. "Or they struggle to with focusing and sensory things. They are ready to create some kind of fix to make those brains work like theirs." The genuine concern and sadness from him is almost heartbreaking.

"In a perfect world, yes. For now though, I think me and Lando can both settle for having someone who cares as much as you do."

"Just wish I could do more."

Lando hums and, quite literally, rolls over onto Oscar. "Just like our best is enough, so is yours."

"However, if the world could provide me with free drinks, I wouldn't be complaining."

Oscar chuckles and drags her closer despite Lando's weight on him. "I'll make a note of it for when I become ruler of the world."

"You never said you were planning that!"

"It's been my secret plan this whole time."

"... It's always the quiet ones."

[nellasbookplanet]

Book recs: cosmic horror that would appal H.P. Lovecraft, part 1

From the vast void of space and other dimensions to the suffocating pressure of the deep ocean and subterranean caves; aliens and fish people and eldritch gods; madness and seeking to make the unknowable known: lovecraftian and cosmic horror comes in many shapes.

If you're anything like me, you go wild for this shit, but also think the genre's namesake can go fuck himself. Thankfully, many writers have embraced the genre over the years, and a great deal of them have eschewed Lovecraft's bigoted ideas. Here is a selection of cosmic horror that would've appalled Lovecraft and delights me. These are books about and by queer people, women, disabled and neurodivergent people, and people of color; books that ask you to sympathize with (and perhaps even romance) the monster; books that re-imagine Lovecraft's own myhtos into something less hateful yet still genuinely scary. Enjoy!

For details on the books, continue under the readmore. Titles marked with * are my personal favorites. If you want more book recs, check out my masterpost of rec lists!

Winter Tide by Ruthanna Emryss*

Aphra and her brother are the only survivors after the government raided their home, Innsmouth. Their only living family are the amphibian people of the deep, whom they will one day join, but until then they are bound to land where they struggle to build new lives for themselves after the great loss of their home and loved ones. Then rumors start to spread of a russian agent seeking dangerous and ancient magic, forcing Aphra to involve herself as they try to stop it. Does contain horror elements but is generally a much more optimistic look on cosmic horror than most lovecraftian stories, told from the perspective of one of his monsters. Lots of focus on found family and rebuilding of community and fairly light on plot, but also unflinching in its portrayal of real as well as cosmic horrors.

Providence Girls by Morgan Dante*

Sapphic horror re-imagining of several of H.P. Lovecraft's works from the point of view of the women sidelined as victims in the originals. Forced to abandon her not-quite-human children to escape a cult seeking to sacrifice her, Lavinia nearly dies from exposure in the woods. She's saved by the prickly Asenath. The two women find themselves growing close as Lavinia regains her strength. But Asenath's own dark past is catching up, as she too begins to transform into something not entirely human. Beautiful and unsettling with heavy body horror as well as more human horrors such as emotional and sexual abuse.

The Shape of Water by Daniel Kraus & Guillermo Del Toro*

In 1960s America, Elisa works as a cleaner in a government facility when a strange fish man is brought in to be studied. An immediate connection sparks between the two, but his time is running short as plans are to vivisect him. Alongside her colleague and her reluctant neighbour, Elisa must find a way to save him before he's laid under the knife. Less horror than most books on this list, The Shape of Water is nonetheless a beautiful romance about embracing (and being) the other in a world that wants you gone. If you like the movie, you likely also enjoy the book.

Otherside Picnic by Iori Miyazawa

Sapphic, surreal and episodic horror vibe. Following the directions of an urban legend, university student Sorawo finds her way to a reality populated by horrifying creatures from ghost stories and modern urban legends which induce fear and madness in those who interact with them (of which I’m sure you’ll recognize many). Here she teams up with fellow explorer Toriko, both to find out more about this strange world and to help Toriko find a missing loved one. Also available as a manga and (one season of) a pretty middling anime.

Meddling Kids by Edgar Cantero

Sapphic, horror with adult and genuinely scary scooby gang vibes. Once, Andy, Kerri, Nate, Peter and their faithful dog were known as the Blyton Summer Detective Club, until they hit their fateful final case in 1977. Now, the year is 1990, and the group hasn’t gathered in years. Tomboy Andy is wanted in at least two states; Kerri, former kid genius, is tending bar; and horror nerd Nate is in a mental institution in Arkham. At least he still has the company of jock-turned-movie star Peter - except Peter has been dead for years. Now they must all come together to find out the truth of what happened all those years ago.

Where Black Stars Rise by Nadia Shammas & Marie Enger

Graphic novel, inspired by The King in Yellow. Dr. Amal Robardin, Lebanese immigrant and a therapist in training, finds herself in over her head when assigned her first client. Yasmin is a schizophrenic suffering from nightly terrors that seem all too real, and when Amal fails to give her the support and answers she needs, she disappears. Desperate to fix things, Amal goes racing after her - and ends up in a world of eldritch nightmares, more real than she ever imagined.

In the Shadow of Spindrift House by Mira Grant

Novella. After Harlowe's parents were killed by a cult, she was sent to be raised by her grandparents. There she ended up becoming part of a group of teen detectives. As the group grows up and starts splintering into adulthood, Harlowe decides to find them one last mystery to solve: the secret of Spindrift House, a manor of murky origin, surrounded by dark mystery. Entering the manor, the group is eager to solve its secrets - but Spindrift House isn't one to give them up easily.

The Ballad of Black Tom by Victor LaValle

Novella. Re-imagining of one of Lovecraft's stories. Tommy is a hustler struggling to get by; when the elderly Robert Suydam hires him to play guitar at a party, Tommy is quick to agree. But Suydam is seeking something vast and Outside our reality, inviting Tommy to take part. Meanwhile, private detective Malone repeatedly harasses Tommy and his family in his hunt for proof against Suydam's activities. A bleak look that puts the apathy of eldritch gods against the closer-to-earth evil of human bigotry.

Sawkill Girls by Clair Legrand*

Young adult. The isolated island of Sawkill Rock has secrets. It hosts the legend of a local monster, and the very stark reality of decades of girls going missing, never to be found again. Now, three girls stand at the center of the horrific mystery. If only they can come together, perhaps they can save future generations of girls from a monster that may very well be real. Asexual and sapphic main characters, including a sapphic romance. Not as heavy on the cosmic horror as other titles on this list, but the monster certainly leans hard into it.

Blindsight by Peter Watts*

Vampires, post-humans, aliens, and questions on the nature of consciousnesses, oh my! A ship is sent to investigate the sudden appearance of an alien vessel at the edge of the solar system, but the crew isn’t prepared for the horrors awaiting them. Because the aliens are intelligent, but they are nothing like us - to them, we may be nothing but a mistake to be wiped out. No, seriously, this book will fuck you up, highly recommend if you’re okay with a lot of techno babble and existential horror.

The Scourge Between the Stars by Ness Brown

Novella. After having failed at establishing a new colony, starship Calypso fights to make it back to Earth. Acting captain Jacklyn Albright is already struggling against the threats of interstellar space and impending starvation when she´s thrown a new danger: something is hiding on the ship, picking off her crew one by one in bloody, gruesome ways. A quick, excellent read if you want some good Alien vibes.

The Outside by Ada Hoffmann*

AKA the book the put me in an existential crisis. Souls are real, and they are used to feed AI gods in this lovecraftian inspired sci-fi where reality is warped and artificial gods stand against real, unfathomable ones. Autistic scientist Yasira is accused of heresy and, to save her eternal soul, is recruited by cybernetic ‘angels’ to help hunt down her own former mentor, who is threatening to tear reality itself apart. Sapphic main character.

Shards of Earth by Adrian Tchaikovsky

Not too long ago, Earth was destroyed by the Architects, alien beings of massive proportions who seemed hardly aware of humanity's presence as they reshaped our entire planet into a twisted work of art. In their defense, humanity created super soldiers able to communicate with the enemy where no one else could. At once, the Architects disappeared without a trace. Fifty years has since passed, and Idris, one of the soldiers, has neither aged nor slept since, working on a freelance salvage vessel. But when he and his crew stumble on a sign that the Architects may be returning, they must embark on a race to find out the truth.

The Stars are Legion by Kameron Hurley

Zan wakes without memory, a passenger aboard one of the living world-ships of Legion, a fleet of decaying generations ships. Told she’s the salvation meant to free them from the fleet, Zan is flung head first into a brutal and bloody conflict. This book fucked me up when I read it. It’s weird, it’s gross, there’s So Much Viscera, there are literally no men, it has living spaceships and biotech but in the most horrific way imaginable, where humans are nothing but part of an ecosystem that cares little for their well-being. Had I to categorize it I would call it grimdark military sf. It’s an experience but not necessarily a pleasant one.

Empress of Forever by Max Gladstone

Sapphic. Vivian Liao is a highly successful innovator, but she may have bitten off more than she can chew and fears the government may be coming for her. As she goes into hiding, she attempts to pull off one last stunt that could fix everything - but something goes wrong, and suddenly Vivian finds herself waking up in the far future, under attack by an army of robots in space. Hoping to find her way back home, Vivian must assemble a crew of dangerous outlaws to help her hunt down the Empress of Forever, the all-powerful entity who pulled her into the future. While overall a space opera in genre, Empress of Forever also features a cosmic horror threatening the entire universe.

Solaris by Stanislaw Lem

1960s Polish classic, more existential and philosophical than horror, with an exploration of how we may never understand the nature and motives of a truly alien mind. Arriving on a station orbiting the planet Solaris, Kris Kelvin is meant to study the strange, possibly sentient ocean that covers its entire surface. But the effects of the ocean are far reaching - Kelvin finds the crew of the station secretive and unstable, and is shocked to wake one day to the embodiment of a long dead lover. Was it created by the brain-like ocean, and if so, why?

The Luminous Dead by Caitlin Starling*

Possibly one of the most unsettling and claustrophobic books I’ve ever read. Gyre, a caver on an alien planet, ventures into the dark and dangerous underground, guided only by her handler, a woman who has no compunctions on using and manipulating Gyre as she sees fit to obtain her own secretive goals down in the caves. Alone iton the dark, Gyre must struggle to keep hold of her sanity. Sapphic in the messiest of ways.

Levithan Wakes by James S.A. Corey

Jim Holden and his crew are ice runners in a system on the brink of war, tension rising between the inner planets and the inhabitants of the belt. When the crew comes across an abandoned ship, they come into possession of a secret that may light the spark of war. Crossing their path is detective Miller, searching for a missing girl tied to the mysterious ship. More dangerous than even impending war is the truth behind the girl's disappearance, leading to a secret billions of years in the making. It has slept for longer than humanity has been aware, but now, it is waking up. It has a job to do, humanity be damned.

Annihilation by Jeff VanderMeer

For decades, Area X has been completely cut off from humanity. The only ones to enter are small organized expeditions, many of which never return, or return… wrong. We follow the latest expedition, its participants known only as the anthropologist, the psychologist, the surveyor, and our narrator, the biologist. As they enter into Area X to try to find out its secrets, only one thing is for sure: they will never be the same again.

Out Wives Under the Sea by Julia Armifield

Miri thought she lost her wife Leah when her deep-sea mission ended in a catastrophe. But Leah was miraculously returned to her - or so it seems. Because something happened down there, deep in the ocean, and whatever it was, Leah has brought it back with her. Surreal and strange, Our Wives Under the Sea will not answer all your questions, but it will give you a unique experience.

The City We Became by N.K. Jemisin

Five New Yorkers find themselves experiencing strangeness as the city itself begins to wake up. They are its soul, its avatars and its protectors, and now they must keep it safe as it wakes and something alien and eldritch attempts to kill it before it’s even fully born. Mix of sci-fi, supernatural, and lovecraftian horror. Multiple pov characters of varying queer identities. Tries to bite off a bit more than it can chew but is also very inventive and unique.

The Gilded Abyss by Rebecca Thorne

Sapphic. Nix Marr is a soldier and damned good at it, but that doesn’t prepare her for her next mission: bodyguard for Subarch Kessandra, beloved royal and Nix’s bitter ex, as she ventures into the underwater city of Fall to seek the cause of a bloody murder spree and a possible deadly contagion of madness. But Kessandra has enemies, the answers she seeks marking her as a possible threat for the nation’s rulers. On their way in an isolated and enclosed underwater ship, the contagion catches up, and Nix will have to put her hurt feelings aside if the two are to arrive alive. Not quite as scary as it could be, but with some very fascinating lore and world-building.

Beneath the Rising by Premee Mohamed

The only thing extraordinary about Nick Prasad is his best friend Joanna "Johnny" Chambers, genius child prodigy. But when Johnny invents a new, clean energy source, the two are dragged into a race to save the world. The invention has attracted the attention of something ancient and dark, searching for a way into our reality, hoping to rule over humanity. Only Nick and Johnny can stop them, but as rifts between them grow wider and old gods loom nearer, they may not manage it in time. More coming of age and adventure than horror, but does feature an interesting take on elder gods mythology.

Leech by Hiron Ennes*

Unbeknownst to humanity, a sentient hive mind has taken over the entire medical profession to ensure the health of their host species. One of their doctors is sent off to an isolated location where they’re cut off from the rest of the hive mind, only to realize they’re faced with a rivaling parasitic entity of unknown intentions. Leech hands you only just enough information to get by, and whether its historical fantasy, an alternate timeline, or futuristic post apocalypse is hard to determine. It’s spooky and a bit weird and wildly creative, and does some neat things with gender.

Family Business by Jonathan Sims

By the author behind the Magnus Archives. When Diya’s childhood best friend and roommate unexpectedly passes away, Diya falls apart and, among other things, loses her job. When she’s offered a position at Slough & Sons to clean up after the deceased, she sees no other recourse but to accept. Her new job is grisly but important, and Diya starts to get back on her feet - until strange visions of a terrifying man and the dead’s last moments start to haunt her. Slough & Sons are hiding something, and it’s up to Diya to find out the truth. No romance, bisexual main character and trans woman side character.

The Hollow Ones by T. Kingfisher*

After having divorced, Kara moves to stay with her uncle and help him run his museum of curiosities, until one day she discovers a hole in the wall of his house. The hole leads to a strange bunker, and beyond that, a dark and dangerous world beyond her understanding. In the company of a friend, she goes to explore this world, but quickly comes to regret her decision to do so. No romance, major gay character, at once funny and deeply creepy.

Malevolent by Harlan Guthrie*

Lovecraftian horror mystery. Private detective Arthur Lester wakes up in his office, his partner dead, memories fuzzy, vision gone, and the voice of a malevolent entity in his mind. Unable to see, Arthur is forced to rely on guidance from the entity as he attempts to solve the mystery of what it is and where it came from. Is this a book? No. But as someone who reads mostly audiobooks, the difference between a book and a fiction podcast is negligible, and also I love this story and its characters and want all of you to do so too.

[cyb3rtarot]

A Peep Into the New Year: 2024 Pick a Pile

Disclaimer: Happy New Year! We’re looking at something to reflect on from the closed year, experiences you may have this year, and a theme for 2024. The experiences are not necessarily in chronological order! Tarot readings are not replacements for professional advice. I’m reading what I see and feel in the current energy, which can change. Your thoughts, energy, and actions are what creates destiny, not the reading!

pile 1⛧pile 2⛧pile 3 pile 4⛧pile 5⛧pile 6

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Pile 1:

Something to Reflect On [Nine of Swords rx, Keeping Up]: hello pile one! You guys really struggled with mental health or neurodivergence last year or for a few years leading up to this year. You may have adopted a defeatist attitude or found it incredibly hard to progress in life. Day to day tasks to take care of yourself may have been difficult. Reflect on the ways you have faced this challenge, even when it seemed impossible. Some of this pile has overcome this. For example, if you had depression, you may no longer be depressed (or it’s not as severe). Others of you are still fighting, but you’ve still exerted a great effort to keep afloat and face anxieties. You should pat yourselves on the back for the ways you’ve advanced—the ways you’ve kept yourself alive even when it was hard. There is a forward momentum you’re carrying into the new year, and it was created with much effort.

A Peep into the New Year… 

You guys will be presented with something from the past, and you will have to choose whether to invest your energy into it. This could be people, past situations you never got closure on, environments, and especially habits. The main thing about this opportunity is that it seems like you guys’ first thought will be to jump back into it. Maybe it “feels” right so you don’t think about it much, or you’re so used to doing it that you just go right along with it the second you get the chance. This situation seems very interesting from your perspective; there’s a strong pull towards it. The cards are not really indicating that this is a definite good or bad thing, it seems neutral or like it can go either way. The card to especially focus on is “impulsiveness.” Regardless of whether this is good or bad, make sure to think about your actions before agreeing to anything (Tiwaz emphasizes making sound decisions). Reflect on ingrained habits and thought patterns that you feed into without a second thought. Impulsiveness can also refer to the nature of the situation; an opportunity may come out of nowhere. How we invest our energy determines who we are and how we grow. We are more likely to remain in old mindsets when we constantly give energy to what has already ended, and only you can decide what from your past belongs in the future. [Impulsiveness (Mars in Aries, 1st house), Curiouser and Curiouser, the World rx, Uncertainty rx, Tiwaz rune]

For some time , you may find yourself absorbed in spirituality or developing new beliefs (for many of you this has already started). This seems like a positive change, however it may take up a lot of your time. You may use your inner or spiritual world as an escape; many of you feel dependent or stifled in a situation. You are being encouraged to dream big (for physical reality too), and use this time to thoroughly plan for life and yourself. Make sure there is a balance between being absorbed in your inner world, and sometimes coming out of that shell to make your dreams real. At some point in this journey you may feel very restless, and that can prompt some of the impulsive behavior mentioned above. Don’t judge yourself for moving too “slowly” or having big dreams, but still make an honest effort towards balancing those dreams/beliefs with reality. You’re also encouraged to maintain balance in how this plays out in your relationships. Don’t despair if someone doesn’t understand you, but also don’t take someone’s word as gospel just because you feel an affinity with them. [Vision (Sun in Pisces, 12th house), Use Your Time Well rx, nine of pentacles sideways, Justice] 

There’s a lot of hope and knowledge surrounding you this year. You’ll be interested in making dreams reality and will want to pursue something new for yourself. I say “for yourself” as there’s an emphasis on this being centered around you. You may approach things with the best-case scenario in mind; this will serve you well. There’s opportunity to be recognized as an individual or for something you do, or this is a hope of yours. There may be interest in physically going somewhere to seize this opportunity (more so farther destinations or longer trips). You will be geared towards learning new things (especially in higher ed or a similar place), working towards recognition of your skills, or starting a personal project. If there are issues at home, I see you or your relatives remaining positive in the face of this adversity (this may also be a familial opportunity, or a family member might receive public attention). You may feel a little lost [in the sauce]. If you’ve delved into spirituality, you might feel disconnected or unsure of your new beliefs. This could be a period where you have to focus on your own ingenuity, wits, and can-do rather than giving it all to your belief system. This can also apply to family. There may be decreased communication with them, or someone moving away. However confusing, this is a more fortunate period of the year. [Optimism (Moon in Sagittarius, 9th house), the Moon, Nature Communication rx, Publicity (Jupiter in Leo, 5th house)]

Overall Theme for the New Year [the Empress, Defense (Mars in Taurus, 2nd house]: the year is going to put you in situations where you’ll have to sit in your confidence and inner security—or develop this—especially to hone impulse control. There are tangible blessings to experience, but you may find yourself being questioned or challenged by those around you, and you yourself may feel antsy to get what you want right away. Rely on your endurance and resilience to get through uncertainties or challenges as you go towards your goals. 

The Empress dons her armor with her few loyal knights by her side. Though she is under siege, she rides into battle smiling. Victory is obviously in her hand. After many bloody hours, the sun sets on the quieted field. The Empress stands tall on her hill, ever smiling, ever the empress, barely scathed. The sun glints off her helmet as it settles beneath the horizon.

Possible examples (but not limited to…): an ex contacting you or trying to rekindle, old friends wanting to hang out, going back to places you used to frequent, snooping on or investigating someone’s social media, someone from the past starting an argument or pettiness against you,  sudden travel opportunity (especially for school), living with parents or a partner, wanting to move out, pressure to get a job, spiritual scammers/predatory spiritual teachers, family strife, getting accepted into a program, publishing art or research, seeking a career in the arts/academia/spirituality, a new spiritual practice or a leap in pre-existing abilities (especially divination and clairvoyance), meditating frequently, interpreting dreams or lucid dreaming, family on the news, building your portfolio or resume

Extra Details: a change in sleep patterns (going both ways, some could be sleeping less due to increased energy and some of you are finally resting more after a period of poor sleep), mental hospitals, marine biology, Jupiter or Mars as a very prominent planet in the natal or 2023/24 solar return chart, bright colored eyes, high hopes, charm casting, spiritual businesses, loves cartoons or wants to be an animator, brothers, the Star may be a significant card for you or both 2023 + 2024 may be very healing years, moving to a coastal/lakeside area (or wanting to), 12th house profection yr

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Pile 2:

Something to Reflect On [Acquisition (Sun in Taurus, 2nd house), the Star]: hi pile two! You can reflect on how your relationship to the physical world has changed. It seems finances or another form of physical comfort was a big focus last year. You’ve either made big strides in these areas or you’ve done healing work on your mindset (for example, focusing on gratitude and optimism about what you have and want). This could refer to your body as well, if you’ve healed or learned better ways to cope with a condition. Or, it could refer to how you physically relate to others, in any kind of affectionate relationship. Now’s a time to see how changes in your outlook have granted you comfort and opportunity, and congratulate yourselves for any big gains. Many of you have sacrificed other parts of your life for this, and now it’s time to focus on how you can increase wellbeing in all areas instead of just the physical.

A Peep into the New Year…:

Some of the year will be particularly good for work or school. You will naturally excel in these or things will flow more smoothly. Especially if you have to pay attention to a lot of details, or if you provide a service to others. However, you may feel disconnected from your environment. For many of you, this refers to the natural environment, but it could also refer to the world or other environments you frequent. This will be a natural byproduct of whatever you’re pursuing at the time (school/work/etc). You could feel trapped or restless, possibly wanting to quit. If this is referring to the world at large, you may feel guilty or defeatist, like no humanitarian or environmental efforts you do will ever be enough. It’s important to take care of your mental health—much of this is from anxiety rather than reflecting the world around you. Bringing something natural into your home/workplace could be beneficial (plants, stones, seashells etc), as well as decorating with things from home if you feel homesick. You may enjoy gardening (especially veggies). Find parks or natural areas where you are, or spend time intentionally finding things you like about your surroundings. If you feel stuck at home rather than away from it, any small thing to change your scenery could help (going outside more, switching your lounging area, etc). Some of you may feel disappointed if you can’t make a long trip somewhere, but consider if a short trip is possible. If you feel humanitarian guilt, volunteering with an immediate, tangible effect can be encouraging (litter cleanup/soup kitchens etc). [Discrimination (Venus in Virgo, 6th house), Nature Communication rx, the Wheel of Fortune, Eight of Swords]

You guys are giving imposter syndrome. You may be in a learning environment where you feel like you don’t belong. You’ll go through the motions and try to adapt through every situation. You might feel like you have to keep your wits about you or always be prepared to say the “right” thing to keep up an image. This can make you feel out of control. But, you’re supposed to be learning; you’re not supposed to know everything. Allow yourself space to grow and make mistakes; don’t depend on someone else to give that or take it away. Feeling anxious or uneasy during a learning curve is natural and doesn't mean you’re a fraud or bad person. Most everyone experiences this. Establish a sense of inner security, or take time to remind yourself of things you’ve aced. For a lot of you, this may be about intimacy; you may feel nervous about navigating closeness with another. You may be more likely to notice everything you’re doing wrong or feel awkward about your performance in the relationship. Communicate with your partner! With the Influence card, your words may come across particularly sweet or sensical during this time, so don’t be afraid  to talk about how you feel (whether with a partner, coworkers, teachers, peers, etc). You can learn much from others. [Bluff (Jupiter in Gemini, 3rd house), the Emperor rx, Kenaz, Influence (Mercury in Libra, 7th house)]

Finally, I see this pile going through an extremely transformative period. This seems to not be from anything directly identifiable; you may not be able to place where this transformation started or what spurred it. This is likely an internal change (that’s not to say external ones won’t also occur, but the cards are pointing to your inner world). You might wake up one day and realize you’re very different, or that you’re changing but don’t know why. This transformation could be centered around your beliefs or self concept. For example, you may feel like you’re stepping into your power, or like you’ve remembered who you and the people around you are. For those that believe in past lives, you may remember a pattern that’s played out in other lives, or you may remember someone in this life has been with you in another. For many of you this could be influenced by a relationship, but mostly, this is about some change of power within you. The cards are neutral; this can play out in any way.  Because of the “manipulation” card, it’s important to make sure that others are not taking away your freedoms and that you’re maintaining a sense of authority over yourself. You may not notice a change at first, but that doesn’t mean you can’t take control of the transformation once you do see it. [Manipulation (Jupiter in Scorpio, 8th house), Choices rx, Eight of Wands sideways, Past Lives/(the Moon)]

Overall Theme for the New Year [Status (Jupiter in Taurus, 2nd house), ten of swords rx]: if last year was focused on material security then I see this continuing in the upcoming year. Either way, the year will bring attention to your physical world and the blessings it has to offer. You will not only be focused on security, but also be prompted to enjoy what you have already created, especially if you began projects, jobs, studies, or other ambitions last year. You may find more comfort in material things than usual, such as a lot of shopping or eating new foods (it may be easy to overindulge!). Many of you are on the younger side getting your first “real” or serious job, so this may be excitement caused by a stable source of income. There is recognition for what you tangibly contribute to your environment. You will be valued in the groups you’re in or will feel empowered to find such a space. If your job or studies involve a lot of verbal speaking (such as public speaking, pitching ideas), this in particular could be very beneficial or encouraged (this makes some of you anxious, it’s ok!). However, this extends to all forms of communication. If you are in a committed relationship, your partner may also experience similar blessings. Make sure to clearly communicate with them and keep an eye on power dynamics in the relationship. This year will prompt you to re-evaluate what you’ve carried from your past, though I feel this is the distant past. Like mindsets you started developing in childhood, but this can extend to past lives if you believe in them.

The monarchs stand on the balcony of their castle. On one side they can see a vast green hill rolling towards the woods. On the other side, their small but stunning kingdom. Their hearts swell, because they have built this kingdom with their own two hands. They have helped put the people’s homes together, they have farmed food themselves. It has not always been easy to safeguard a kingdom against the shifting forces of nature, but they’ve done it. Dawn illuminates the fruit of their labor.

Possible examples (but not limited to…): missing your hometown, living in an urban area/spending all day indoors and wishing to be in nature, troubles going back home (for example, wanting to go back but your family telling you to keep at it), living on your own for the first time (especially at a distance from family, some are wanting to study abroad), volunteering, mutual aid, community work, humanitarian jobs (non-profit?), crystals (some of you do a spiritual practice with crystals at night?), feeling uncertain about beliefs, working on a team or group project, relationship or work anxiety, a “frog in pot” situation (a situation that degrades so slowly that you don’t notice), recognition in school or work, changing your self beliefs & self concept, a change to self esteem, past life memories/spiritual work, working on relationship confidence, developing parts of yourself you’ve neglected (especially anything set aside while working on physical security), big life events that are outside your control but have a direct impact on you, career/academic advancement/promotion, internships, a work crush or relationship from a job (careful lol), or a relationship with someone you once worked with, visiting loved ones at work, nostalgia or deja-vu

Extra Details: basketball, football, STEM or business (for STEM i’m getting technology or tech-business), family home is two stories and/or on a property with a large yard/backyard, recognizing people from past lives, fairytale love, Mercury as a prominent planet in your profection year or solar return, a romantic or intimate relationship carrying over from this year to the next, manifestation/law of assumption, friend or partner who works as an artist, some of you like the little mermaid or mermaid stories (or you feel like Ariel), a partner in a noticeably higher position/financial status than you and may live with them (you guys in particular should pay attention to power dynamics)—yall please LEAVE if somebody “decides” you should not talk to or go out with your friends & family (even if those people are bothersome to you that’s YOUR decision to make)

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Pile 3:

Something to Reflect On [Investigate, Justice sideways]: hello pile three! You are being called to evaluate how you allocate your energy. Most of this pile puts a ton of energy into specific tasks to the point where they don’t have a lot left for themselves or other areas. Specifically, I am getting most of you may be taken advantage of by the people in your life, and that this isn’t something you readily notice. This varies per individual. People might ask a lot of favors from you, and because you think it’s your duty or obligation, you always fulfill them. Maybe this is a family member who expects you to always be there to do certain tasks no matter what you have going on (a lot of you seem to have a really stern guardian figure). This could be a partner who places a lot of emotional or domestic burdens on you. It could be a workplace. Whatever the situation, the main message here is to think about it, but then reflect on it again. I think a lot of you aren’t as critical of this behavior as you could be, which is why you have to really evaluate if the ways you spend energy are detrimental to other areas of life. As Justice is sideways, some of you are not necessarily in such a situation, but now is a good time for you to evaluate how balanced you really are. Either way, you are also being prompted to really think about what you’re going to do if adjustments are needed; don’t fly off the handle or impulsively react.

A very specific message is some of you may be victims of shady or criminal behavior (already happened). I’m not getting anything huge, but you’re asked to really find the facts of the situation and not blindly accept convenient stories. Some of you may live with others and may have noticed a lot of your items or money going missing? I don’t usually write out the phrases on the oracle cards, but yours says: “look closely, ask questions, think before acting.” Some of you may be part of ongoing investigations, in which case this is referring to that. 

A Peep into the New Year…: 

There is a mental transformation, almost an awakening of sorts. This will be a development of your inner guidance, intuition, or sense. You will be pushed to see that you can in fact trust yourself, and that you have enough wisdom (or the capacity to develop it) to navigate life with your own will. The imagery on the cards with your rune suggests an integration. I feel this part of your mind has always been present, however you may be the kind of person to frequently second guess yourself or to think your own ideas/advice inferior to others (or perhaps others have tried to mentally dominate you and replace your ideas with theirs). Whatever your situation, your inner “knowing” and wisdom will be coming forth to join your conscious decision-making skills. But, it seems you will mentally resist this, or that this period may be confusing to you. You may feel scatter-brained, anxious, or confused a lot (if this becomes very distressing then I encourage you to access any accessible mental health resources). Perhaps you feeling this way is actually what is going to trigger the transformation. You will need to give yourself a lot of grace to evolve your mind. You may try to logically find solutions to problems or continue using old thought patterns, but this period is going to push different ways of thinking you're not used to. For example, if you always try to make very rational choices, you may need to think creatively or factor in gut feelings to arrive at a good decision. You may find yourself being questioned by those close to you who don’t understand your thinking, and this may require diplomatic communication. Overall, your mental activities can guide you to a good place, but it’s a matter of trusting your own guidance—even if others belittle your ability to think for yourself. [Flattery (Venus in Gemini, 3rd house), Guidance, Dagaz, Queen of Swords rx]

I feel this experience is related to the above and for many it will co-occur; I also see a period where you have mental resistance up. The ideals, compromises, and decisions you have chosen to live with will be under a magnifying glass. Mental routine and comfort will be challenged as you re-evaluate what your beliefs are, especially about yourselves. What are your values, what can you endure to live a more fulfilling life? Some of you have a tendency to get or stay in situations where external forces (mainly people) have a lot of control over your life; codependency. If so, this energy is related to that, especially if this describes your family life. There’s a lot of stubborn or slow-moving energy here; many of you may try to dismiss the questions or changes that are knocking at your door. You may use the physical to distract you, like your daily routine or job. At the same time, if you aspire to change, you may have to defend yourself against others a lot. This could encourage that slow-moving energy, as you may feel tense if challenged by others. Overall, this is a time of endurance. Allow slow, steady adjustments to your mindset + reality as you determine who you are and what you want. [Resistance (Mercury in Taurus, 2nd house), Forget Who You Are rx, I Want to Be a Queen rx, seven of wands]

Lastly, I see you will eventually be called to act upon the ideas you have developed during your transformation—putting your plans into action. With Mercury in cardinal Earth paired with the knight of mind, there will be a drive and ambition to realize the reality you’ve been pining for. The energy here is that no matter what, you're committing to the course you’ve set, regardless of people or obstacles. This time period will pass judgment on what you've been contemplating for so long—the reality you have been imagining yourself in during the more stagnant parts of the year (and maybe last year as well?) While I do feel like most of this will be coming from your own willpower, with the major arcana, you may be presented with some kind of opportunity or circumstance that will further empower you. This may come after you take the first steps to move towards what you want. This could be about pursuing something in your career or material path, but I think it will extend into any part of your life that you've spent a ton of time thinking about. This period will remind you that dreams are not necessarily reality, yet they guide reality once you are ready to do something. If you did experience tense relationships with family or others throughout the year, I see you getting more of a handle on this and feeling more prepared to take on their challenging words (not that you have to keep going back and forth with these people). [Organization (Mercury in Capricorn, 10th house), Fighting, Judgement, two of wands rx]

Overall Theme for the New Year [Idealism (Sun in Aquarius, 11th house), the Hanged Man]: this year is about radical changes in perspective. Not only can you dare to dream, but you can also dare to make those dreams reality. Your mind is precious—protect and use it as much as possible. You may have had a complicated relationship with your desires & dreams in the past. Maybe others' pessimism affected you, and 2024 will prompt you to challenge limiting beliefs you’ve absorbed. This is a year where you realize that your hopes don’t have to detract from real life, they can be the seeds. Friends and community are especially significant in your 2024 energy.

A smile sits on the face of this philosopher, though this is not a title they chose for themselves. The symposium has hushed into suspicious and questioning tones, eyes on the philosopher who has not even said much at all. But what they have said, well, where do they get off? Their ideas are certainly not from here. They speak of a fantasy world where things are better than they are and the status quo is rudely disregarded. Where equality and fairness are true and not only words. The wise men furrow their brows and think, “foolish youth.” The philosopher explains nothing more; what is understood does not have to be explained. But, the seeds are sown. Quietly, in the hearts of the eternally foolish, the design of a better world is constructed.

Possible examples (but not limited to…): feeling called towards a job or interest but others around you not agreeing, feeling pulled towards many different directions, unsure of your “calling,” realizing something you want for yourself, changing your beliefs (especially about your role in the world, or about social expectations such as gender roles?), or a period where you’re interested in new beliefs but you try to deny this interest. Standing your ground, finding strategic ways to communicate with those around you (including ways to keep plans to yourself). At one point (or now) you may be wanting to escape or move far away, but later in the year you may actually lose interest in this or want to move somewhere that’s not as far. Career developments or planning, personal projects, applying to jobs or networking (part of this may feel discouraging or stagnant but don’t lose hope!), you may feel more connected to animals or nature this year (especially if you live in a wooded area), starting a business (especially with friends—crafts/handmade items? Or you might go to artists fairs & markets), working a “not as serious” or part-time job while you plan for a business/career, saving money

Extra Details: naivety, law enforcement or court case, some of you have info about a case you have not brought to the investigators? (I’m not giving legal advice here lol it just came to mind). Specific family member that’s very domineering (especially over you), though I am getting this is a pattern in your other relationships too (for some this person has no/almost no water placements in their natal chart? They could have very bright blue eyes). You may bite your tongue a LOT with this person but this is changing for many (possibly some arguments with them). Some of y’all really like peanut/nut butter 😭? Interest in the arts (or another field that’s not respected) that you’ve never seriously pursued, hiding your interest in artistic or “childish” things, coming from a conservative culture, the main one doing housework, having to be very observant of someone’s behavior to know the “right way” to talk to them so the conversation doesn’t go south? This pile has a way with words, like you naturally phrase things figuratively or poetically. “The time is now bitch, the time is now!! The war’s already started!!” Breaking Bad? Nature themed or inspired art. Mercury may be very important or aspected in the natal chart (possibly solar return as well to a lesser extent). 11th house may be prominent too

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Pile 4:

Something to Reflect On [the Tower, Queen of Pentacles]: hi pile 4! In this past year or the one before, something major shook up your life. Something shook your sense of security to the core. It challenged the notion of control, and you’ve had to rebuild it from the ground up. This feels like something that came out of nowhere, a life event that you know could happen to anyone but you either don’t expect it to happen to you when it does or it’s something you can’t plan for (like a sudden death/illness, breakup out of nowhere, houselessness/kicked out, I keep thinking you felt “dethroned”). As the Queen of Pentacles came after the tower and this pile had a very calming energy when I connected to you, you guys have started to or already come to terms with what happened. You’re picking up the pieces and getting back on your inner throne, though many of you are still dealing with the fallout of these circumstances. You guys should appreciate how far you’ve come in your inner world, or at least your amazing and impressive endurance. I don’t know why but there’s an emphasis on complimenting your endurance lol, the word “honorable” came to mind. This pile seems to have been through something incredibly hard (maybe on a physical level) that a lot of people would have folded under. Some of you had an opportunity to get out using shady means (like cheating or harming others, going against some kind of morals) and in the end you decided to stay by your integrity. This pile should really appreciate themselves, as you’re the one who has carried yourself through the tough storms.

A Peep into the New Year…:

At least one part of the year, if not the whole year, will feel jam-packed with a lot of different things happening. This is a blessed time where by your own willpower, abilities, and individuality, you’ll be able to receive something beautiful. I hear “convenience,” so, very convenient opportunities may come your way. Someone else could help arrange a blessing, or something could come into your life that makes it easier, but this is because of who you are as a person. This period may feel like a dream, like the Sun coming out after the clouds held it hostage. Things will happen that will help you to feel reconnected with life and the universe—your role in the scheme of things—and they may happen close together. This may be a little disorienting, so try incorporating some grounding practices into your life, or something that addresses feelings of disconnect (ex, meditation). I am also seeing a relationship focused on sensuality. This is new for most of you and may be with someone you already know. The relationship may begin with the help of someone else (maybe someone introduced you). This doesn’t seem to be the main event though; this relationship is one thing and the blessings I was talking about are another. Throughout everything, it’s highly emphasized to maintain your individuality. Either through the relationship or other things happening, you may feel the need to change yourself, or feel like a cog in the machine. The new developments could feel tiresome or too much for you. On a physical level, it may be a lot (especially if you have a job including manual labor/moving things). Not only do you need to take care of your body + needs, but also remember your uniqueness is needed. You’re not a spare part; you don’t need to be shaped to conform like others. Growing and changing is great, but the greatness comes from authenticity and the beauty of your specific path. Not from making yourself something you’re not. Alternatively, you may already be living like this and grow tired of it. [Fortune (Sun in Leo, 5th house), Existence, Such a Curious Dream rx, Romance (Venus in Taurus, 2nd house), Conditioning, Exhaustion]

Possibly related to the tiredness I mentioned, there may be a time where things seem totally out of your control—as if the wheel of life is turning and not waiting for you to catch up. There are bigger forces here, like institutions or other people that have control & importance over you. For example, higher education, local/state governments, the legal system. Something will stress you out, possibly news or the lack of agency you feel. This seems like a life pattern for this pile; it could trigger old feelings of lacking control. The unique qualities you have are what helps you move through these times, not what hinders you. The last card says “you will make it through this.” This period is bringing a cycle to the end (ten of swords was on the bottom of the deck); don’t catastrophize. The wheel of life is constantly turning, but you are also part of the wheel. I don’t know what it is about this pile but over and over your cards are pointing out how your individuality and the unique way your life has played out is your strength through all things (one of your cards says “there are not many like you!”). There may be a few things going on during this period that you have to juggle or prioritize over something you really wanted to do. A kind relationship with yourself is your foundation to face the world. The relationships around you will also be important, and may be one of the things making your life feel odd at this time (this news could be developments in a friend’s life). Maintaining bonds, internal and external, will create small blessings as you work towards peace. [Friendship (Moon in Cancer, 4th house), You Are Rare and Free, the Emperor rx, Shine Bright Like a Candle, Raidho rune]

Not every single oracle card referencing relationships I’m soo 😭. In fact, in every experience I read for you guys, something came out about relationships or loving someone. So obviously lol, companionships of all kinds are a large focus. This person (or people) will challenge you to close one of the constant cycles in your life—something regarding communication. Many of you have struggled to authentically communicate, possibly in regards to whatever it is about your individuality that keeps coming out. Maybe you tried to downplay or pretend in your relationships, and this has perpetuated a toxic loop (ex, if you are disabled, you may have downplayed the level of support you need). Your relationships will prompt you to be true, to see if you are up to the task of presenting yourself with all your lumps & bumps and saying, “here I am,” instead of, “don’t look at me.” They will also prompt you to rethink the role you play in healthy communication. You might have downplayed how you felt about others, like pretending to accept things you weren’t okay with. How this plays out will be different for everyone; maybe you will be with someone who understands you easily for once. It could be someone who understands you as long as you actually say something. Or, you may have to speak up for yourself and work through that struggle. Whatever the case, there’s an opportunity to grow through care & intimacy. You got another Sun card—the most fortuitous suite in the deck—so there’s a positive connotation to your bonds. With the Sun, Venus, and Moon all here (and the 2nd, 7th, and 9th house), I think these will be very compelling or fulfilling. You may interact a lot with someone who expands your worldview. But, even if someone is so close they feel telepathic, remember to still communicate and be conscious of cycles! [Acquisition (Sun in Taurus, 2nd house), Flirtation (Venus in Sagittarius, 9th house), Companionship (Moon in Libra, 7th house), Knight of Swords rx, the World]

Overall Theme for the New Year [Beyond Illusion, two of wands]: there's a strong emphasis on “dream-like” feelings this year. You may feel disoriented in the currents of life. You can either put your focus into the ever-changing external world and try to find your footing in those currents, or you can develop your stronghold in your inner world. By turning inward and looking at yourself without the outer noise, you can figure out what makes your soul feel good. You can learn more about yourself, what you’re capable of, and continue to develop security that cannot be washed away by what people say or do. When you only focus on the external, you focus on reacting. When you focus on the internal, you simply are, and you find the source of things.

A stray wanderer stands at the crossroads of themselves. To go left is to dream, where all the world resides. To go right is to wake up, to be with oneself, but not alone. Neither road promises soft steps nor uncalloused feet; a journey it will be either way. The wanderer is not hurried; all of eternity unfolds at the crossroads. They sit in the fork of the path and meditate.

Possible examples (but not limited to…): international travel, a tiring job (especially physically), shedding personas, increase in meditation, dreams, or spirituality, journaling/returning to journaling. A new lover, friends w/ benefits, or increased physical affection in a current relationship, someone giving you something or helping you to show appreciation, an arranged date, challenges to enjoying new things (ex, you travel but feel discouraged by how tiring it is due to health issues. So instead of telling those who want to be with you to go without you, maybe ask for a day of rest once you arrive). Going on hikes, camping, new activities in nature. Developments or news about something with the government or legal system (some kind of welfare, legal case? ), someone close moving away (especially for school), deciding to be friends instead of partners (this theme came out twice, you may flip flop between romance & friendship), very specific but someone you know may be worried about doing time or may get out of prison. Having to prioritize responsibility over a hobby or relationship, applying to school or for government assistance. Relationships that brings financial blessings or gifts, shedding old beliefs about relationships

Another very specific message: you may start or be in a relationship with a barista, bartender, or waiter. They may have an interesting relationship with money, like being very frugal or super generous. They may have a stocky build, very active (or you are and they contrast that). Even if they work with alcohol some do not drink at all. They may drink black coffee or tea instead. Some of them hoard.

Extra Details: living in a car, more life experience than other piles (age wise there are more people in their 30s+), house fire or having to escape your house in the past, partner suddenly kicked you out, living with parents, frosted flakes? Wanting children (or more) but unsure how this will work. Getting back on one’s feet, feeling excited or anticipating (especially about a job), health issues affecting work or that you got from work. You could think poetically/ metaphorically. A strong, solid, compelling energy when you embrace yourself. Don’t be flippant with birth control or protection even if you think you’re not fertile, especially with new, untested partners. Azealia Banks (212), Nicki Minaj. Strong Leo and fixed placement energy [at least in 2024], a person very in-tune with nature or who works with the environment (this could be you but seems more like someone you’ll get to know. Park ranger?) Wearing or using something special at work (an accommodation?). Disabilities, chronic illness/injuries (especially cerebral palsy or burns). Adult or spooky cartoons. Getting out of prison, probation, halfway house. The Lich (“I am the ceaseless wheel”), visual arts/making crafts (wanting to go to school for it; struggling to make time). Not completing or struggling in education, reading & speaking troubles (stutters?). Feeling perceived as uneducated or ineloquent, so you come up with unique ways to be understood. The way things go- beabadoobee (might remind you of your communication troubles).

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Pile 5:

Something to Reflect On [Endurance (Sun in Scorpio, 8th house), Resistance (Mercury in Taurus, 2nd house), Knight of Cups rx]: hi pile five! You guys really had to defend yourself last year? Or this is a trend in your life. Earlier in the year (or life) you expected and sought support from loved ones but in the end you had to protect yourself from those people, or you were in a struggle with them. Either because of incompatibility or underlying issues (mental, emotional, etc) you had to rescind your relationship with them, or they became an adversary to you. This could represent a breakup (any kind) or family relations, but one to two people in particular are getting highlighted (such as a love interest and also a parent figure). You should appreciate how you’ve shown up for yourself and survived—congratulate yourself for being strong even when you shouldn’t have had to be. Especially because this experience seemed to be very transformative or harsh. But, also analyze the ways this could've pushed you into a shell. There may be harmful habits you picked up in order to survive (especially in communication, for example being very defensive, closed off. You might struggle with snapping at people or feeling attacked). 

A specific message for some is you may have spent a lot of time pursuing someone who didn’t want you. You expected them to eventually come around if you kept at it? And you are called to reflect on different aspects of that, such as respect for your own time and others’ boundaries.

A Peep into the New Year…:

A portion of the year will be defined by communication or having a lot of ideas at once. This has to do with a conventional institution: school, jobs, marriage, religion, etc. You might be thinking of tons of different things you want to do but find it hard to settle on one or know what’s needed to accomplish your goals. There’s a lot of energy but not necessarily a lot of focus, more so planning, brainstorming, & communicating. These ideas might be centered on how you can be of service to the world, your life path, or how you can pursue a conventional route while putting your own spin on it. A specific message for some is you could want to pursue something that’ll help animals/the environment, or a humanitarian role (this could be anything from veganism to getting a non-profit job, etc). You may receive news about an engagement or marriage. If the institution does refer to religion, you could be very vocal about your beliefs at this time, but might get mixed responses. This may cause tension in the family or social circle. [Excitement (Mercury in Gemini, 3rd house), the Hierophant, Messages for a Rabbit, The Right Way rx]

Most likely related to the above, there’ll be a period where you decide to part ways with tradition. After much thinking, you may find something you thought you could pursue or endure is not for you—even though it’s what’s expected of you. This may be isolating, or you ‘ll feel weird compared to those around you. Or, you might spend more time with people who understand your decisions and self-expression—people who also broke away from tradition. This will be a sensitive time; you’ll be more in tune with your emotions and the emotions of others. Old feelings can surface, particularly of abandonment, loneliness, and disappointment. This could be very overwhelming, so take extra care of your mental and emotional health. You might grieve experiences you will no longer have now that you are committing to going a different way (example, you might feel left behind by friends who are going to college if you decide not to do that). Feel what you need to commit to your path. There could be a slight struggle in truly letting go of whatever this is, especially if it’s a belief system. Also allow yourself grace, patience, space, and empathy in getting used to changes. [Empathy (Moon in Pisces, 12th house), four of pentacles sideways, We’re All Mad Here, the Hierophant rx]

After dealing with others'/society’s expectations of you for so long, and even your own expectations of yourself, you may suddenly charge forth, revitalized. You will be empowered to make a life for yourself with your own two hands. Something about your body is significant; whatever path you decide on may include some kind of physical work (ex, hand-made art, modeling, physical labor etc, could also refer to moving & travel). If you are pregnant or get pregnant, this is in reference to your labor or last trimester. Shortly before this period you will feel you are carrying a burden that's not yours to carry. This can be others’ expectations, or it could refer to any duties you have been maintaining but don’t have your heart in. When you enter this time period, you may have a flare of indignation or feel upset that you've been living according to what others say and not your own truth. Hone this feeling into productivity. Example, if you feel angry that someone doesn’t believe in your art, make more art! You might also have a surge of confidence and stand up for yourself like never before, though be careful not to waste energy on those who refuse to understand. Whatever your case is, this will be a time to embrace your own truth and let go of those who seek to live through or control you. You will be setting out on your own in some way. You’ll break free of those ideas once believed to be your own, but now are clearly things others conditioned into you. You will seek freedom from the burden of not being yourself. [Birth (Venus in Cancer, 4th house), Enterprise (Jupiter in Aries, 1st house), Keep Your Temper rx, ]

Overall Theme for the New Year [Believe, Ostentation]: this year will challenge you to believe in yourself more. It’s not that this will get much easier. It’s your own constant effort showing that no matter what, you can rely on yourself. That your worth is far greater than what others think—you can accomplish what you set your mind to. Some of you may be afraid of following your own path due to material hardships. This is understandable, but whatever is giving you anxiety, know that building inner security is what enables people to make big leaps. Your emotions will be incredibly important guides for you this year. Learning to accept and maintain your emotional state will be part of what shows you your own unshakeable foundation. If you put in the work towards loving and supporting yourself, you will be flaunting (boasting even) self-confidence like never before.

The monarch rides through the streets of their kingdom, head held oh-so high. Is this the notorious royal descendant, are the rumors all true? Whispers and strange glances spread down the road like wildfire. Everyone wants a look—a taste—so they may judge this stranger themselves. They certainly have heard the terrible stories and fearful feats attributed to them, and if they know what’s good for them they’ll clear the air. But the monarch says nothing to anyone. Should they hold their head any higher, they will surely hurt their neck! There’s no need to explain anything, nor do they need to make a fancy show of themselves for the people’s opinion. Their crown is their confidence; it ripples around them like silk. The power in their gaze explains everything anyone needs to know.

Possible examples (but not limited to…): applying to universities or jobs, building a resume, changes in beliefs about your role in the world, environment, or ecosystem, changes in spiritual & religious beliefs that put you at odds with others, changes in diet, brainstorming careers or majors, taking a non-traditional route in school. Leaving a religion or similar system, standing up for yourself against loved ones, a new project/business/art form/career path, graduating, moving away or moving to another relative’s home, getting pregnant, if you are or get pregnant then you may be especially emotional during your second trimester, making a medical decision for yourself, cutting people off (especially toxic family), writing a lot (you may write letters or lots of notes too), growing out of a childhood belief, starting a job (especially part-time, or as a supplement to something else)

Extra Details: black holes, red hair or red as a common color in your style (also green), communion, wanting your suffering to be recognized, cheerleaders, high school students, spending time (especially Summer) in the countryside and by the ocean (sea creatures are significant. Some of you may want to go vegan/vegetarian but are struggling because you love seafood?), a relative (mostly female) who lives in a more rural area you can go stay with, really liking animated movies, especially animated fairy tales or the anime fairy tale? Might also like zombie media (shows etc) or feel like a zombie. Detail-oriented rather than big-picture focused, might tend to just say or blurt out whatever you want, Catholic stigmata?

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Pile 6:

Something to Reflect On [ten of cups rx, the Emperor]: hi pile six! Last year there was a disappointment, loss, or ending with a loved one, or someone in your support system. This could be anything from a breakup, to a family death (found family?), or feeling a lack of fulfillment with those around you. You had to remain strong through this loss of connection and fill the void it left. You could’ve felt like you were drowning in the emotional turbulence you endured (literal drowning is significant to some). You could’ve also felt lonely and like you had to be strong for whoever was left. Even though this doesn’t make the disappointment or grief easier to bear, please appreciate how you show up for yourself and others. 

A Peep into the New Year…:

Possibly related to the above message, you’ll be shouldering a burden that’s not entirely yours to carry. There’s a situation that’ll be unfair or unbalanced, and this will take a toll on you. This could be a legal case, something law-related like a will, inheritance, contract, or something where stipulations are involved. Or, it could be something where you feel you’re getting the short end of the stick and having to take on a duty that’s hoisted on you. If you recently had a death in the family, this is likely related to the aftermath (a funeral or burial? I heard “bury”). Through ideas, communication, or ingenuity (it could be your own or someone else’s), balance will be restored to the situation. This will likely involve letting go of something you were making yourself do (I hear “promise,” you may have to rescind a promise that’s become toxic?). This felt very stifling and anxiety-inducing, but a good outcome is on the horizon. Your word may carry a lot of power in this situation, which may be why you ultimately get to decide if this carries on in your life or not. [Influence (Mercury in Libra, 7th house), Law is not Justice rx, the Burden, the Sun rx]

For a portion of the year, financial & material achievement will be of greater importance. More stability or success can come in. If you have a job or business, you may have positive developments if you put in effort. However, there’s something in your life that’s pulling on you, or there’s some kind of dependent relationship related to this material success. For example, building your savings by living with family. Or, there may be something that’s taking a lot of your attention and making it hard to focus on your success. However, it seems any situation that makes you feel dependent or dissatisfied during this period will encourage you to put even more energy into advancing. Despite stability or comfort, you’ll be focused on going your own way or working towards goals. You’ll seek to protect what’s important to you by putting more of yourself into it. If you have children, they could feel more dependent on you at this time, or you could feel more responsibility towards them. This can also refer to the relationship with your own family. Pregnancy may be more likely. No matter the case, this period will be one of renewal where you’re focused on building up for the future. You may be less inclined to share your plans with others, despite the attention you receive. [Riches (Saturn in Capricorn, 10th house), 9 of pentacles rx, the Chariot, Berkano rune]

Finally, there’s a part of the year where you need to safeguard your own interests. The message came out a bit choppy but I will try my best to convey it. For some or all of the year, you may experience a surge in confidence and a sense of knowing. This could be in general, or it could especially be confidence placed in a person. Either way, the message I got was “be careful once you’re confident.” There will be events placed along your year that will differentiate between confidence, impulsiveness, and arrogance, but when you feel very sure, all of them can seem the same. Make sure to always use your wisdom and not just confidence alone as your guide. Don’t think yourself above others, don’t be a braggart, and don’t make impulsive decisions because you think the consequences won’t happen. This could be a message about yourself, or it could relate to someone challenging something you hold dear. What I’m saying might sound silly because I don’t think you’re the type to be haughty, if anything this pile is understanding of reality based on your experiences. So that’s why I’m trying to convey that I think this is something you would normally never think about, things you might take for granted. This can include your trust in someone or something to do with your body? An inheritance, or something you receive(d) through family, including a home. You are being asked to put in an honest effort and cover your bases instead of bluffing through situations. Example, make sure your inner security is based on yourself and not on someone being there to give it to you. Make sure you pay attention to your body’s needs instead of assuming you’ll feel perfect. Especially if a genetic condition runs in your family, pay attention to that. There are two Saturn cards in this part of your reading. Put in the honest work, protect yourself, be patient and fair without impulsiveness, and you can sail through choppy waters. [Inheritance (Saturn in Scorpio, 8th house), King of Cups, Risk (Saturn in Aries, 1st house), Uncertainty rx]

Overall Theme for the New Year [Manage To Be Glad, Nauthiz rune]: create your own happiness; don’t allow external circumstances to dictate your entire wellbeing. This year is about life lessons and effort. Embrace these as part of everyone’s path—including yours—and you won’t struggle against the tide. Going down too-good-to-be-true shortcuts and overindulging in fantasy both come with consequences later. Be attentive to your needs and not just your wants. Most importantly, be aware that your actions create short and long-term effects; just ignoring the future does not undo the ripples of your decisions. Be mindful of how you treat yourself and the kind of reality you create for future you.

Witch—that’s what they call the one in the woods. Perhaps you’ll see them at their doorstep, dressed in all black, petting the cat in their arms (surely a familiar). Maybe you’ll see the candlelight burning into the late night when one is up to no good. But are they a witch? They are wise and avoid missteps by careful planning. To an outsider it’s magic, but to the witch it is only common sense.

Possible examples (but not limited to…): resolving funeral/end-of-life matters (for a recent death), resolving ongoing legal questions or troubles after feeling anxious, carefully reviewing contracts or agreements, choosing yourself or to withdraw some of the care you give to others, speaking up for yourself or finding your voice, needing a vacation, living with family, movement in the family home, wanting a different job or career, taking care of family or children—or being taken care of, making a leap towards a material goal, setting up plans or money for the future, being recognized at work or by peers, super specific message but you could go on a lot of walks (specifically late at night) with a close friend or partner, spending time in a different house than usual, close friendship or needing friends for emotional support, friends w/ benefits, pregnancy-related scares or other sudden news about one’s body, saturn return, finding out you didn’t really know someone, a pattern from the past replaying, receiving inheritance, someone challenging a relationship

[18+ only message] For any that do SW, be very mindful of your circle and clients, as well as who gets your pictures, as there may be some jealous or revengeful energy surrounding that. For others that don’t do SW but may send 18+ pics, the same applies. Take wise precautions regardless of who gets them.

Extra Details: the ocean, trauma regarding water (but still drawn to it at the same time?), Yellow by Coldplay, diamonds, crystals (especially yellow ones?), Poker Face by Lady Gaga, South America (especially the northern part of S America like Colombia), Roman Holiday? Law school or firm, body dysmorphia, inheritance from a father figure (could be a grandpa—very thick round glasses, bald on top with feathery white hair, tan, very thick silver mustache, wore long sleeve button up shirts a lot, smiles a lot, gave you money, liked coffee a lot?), Neville Goddard, blood disorders or inherited disorders, chromosomal? Saturn as a prominent planet in the natal chart, solar return, or profection year (could have also been prominent in the chart of whoever passed recently), being the responsible or older child

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[igotthebees]

The five scariest words I could say according to my peers: "I'm going off my antipsychotics" aka a Disability Pride Rant about conditional autonomy

It's disability pride month and so I want to take some time to talk about concepts that I see rampant in both abled/neurotypical/whatever you want to call it spaces and in disability spaces as well, which I have jokingly summarized before as "Good Mentally ill/Disabled People Can Have Autonomy, and the Bad Ones Cannot".

More (a lot more) under the cut

I can guess what you're thinking by now. "There are no bad disabled people Nix!!!" I entirely agree. But in mental health and neurodivergent spaces especially I find that there is a lot of internalized and externalized hatred towards people with stereotypically "severe" symptoms, and in so many cases I've found myself caught in a West Side Story-esque battle between the Depressed and Anxious vs the Manic and Psychotic (which is frustrating because we should be friends or lovers! why is my PTSD and trauma history dismissed when I admit that it causes psychosis as well, why are my friends treated better as a whole when they go in for help for depressive episodes than for manic episodes?)

Sidebar, someone is inevitably going to stop reading at this point and scream at me how they've been treated horribly for their very severe depression and I am not only discounting their experience, I am making up an oppression scale, or using stereotypes, or even fabricating that because I am psychotic and dissociative I am better than them or have suffered more. That's really not the intention? I am simply looking at things from the perspective of my own extensive psychiatric hospitalization history, and from perspectives friends have told me. You can absolutely have depression and/or anxiety and suffer more severely than someone with psychosis - but the way the system treats the two of you is going to be severely different. No one escapes the psychiatric system unscathed, but I've been hospitalized three times, one time labeled as traumatized and depressive, another as having BPD, and yet another as an official schizophrenic and they were three very different forms of hell despite minimal symptom changes.

As one girl in a partial hospitalization program said to my face without a hint of understanding of how fucked up it was: "There are two kinds of psych hospitals. There's the ones for us who just want to get better - and there's the place they put the schizophrenics".

Where does autonomy come into this essay that is getting very long very quickly? I've been experiencing episodes of psychosis since I was 17 years old, diagnosed with schizophrenia at the age of 21, and finally undiagnosed with schizophrenia and rediagnosed with autism and severe PTSD with episodes of psychosis at the age of 24. I have been on 8 different types of antipsychotics in 3 years. Three days ago I stopped taking my antipsychotics entirely after nearly 6 months of slowly tapering off them and under heavy observation.

And it's scaring the shit out of people.

I am not a walking time bomb, compared to what people think. The last time I had any sort of delusion or hallucination was nearly a year and a half ago, (and it was while still on heavy-duty sedatives! Medicine isn't always a magic fix, even when it does make things better). But even if I was actively hallucinating this very second, shouldn't what medicine I take be my own choice, especially since I have been cleared multiple times as not a danger to myself or others and am being closely medically followed in case that changes? (not that I personally believe that drugging someone is appropriate even when they are reactive but let's start with mad liberation 101) How come it was so easy to talk to my doctors about going off some of my anxiety medication and lowering my antidepressants but the minute I said I didn't want to be on antipsychotics the word "insight" was thrown out?

Just a warning: the concept of "insight" sucks. Yeah, okay, a large portion of people treated in hospitals for delusions or mania aren't aware of how severe or disruptive their own symptoms are. I've even experienced that before during an episode - I was having pretty significant speech symptoms and didn't realize until someone sat me down that I was acting any different than typical. (someone's going to inevitably bring up double-bookkeeping and my response is that's genuinely a real thing and helpful to talk about but it's not everyone's experience and I really wish that in normalizing it the experiences of people with severe reality distortion weren't erased or said to be an exaggeration).

Anyways - insight as a concept has been abused to hell and back to take away people's autonomy and further situations of severe abuse. When I came forward about my childhood abuse I was gaslit and coerced into telling a doctor that my previous accounts were a delusion and false memories (which aren't even an evidence-backed phenomenon but I digress) and was promptly diagnosed with the aforementioned schizophrenia.

Even other people diagnosed with psychosis have come to me and expressed horror that I am getting off my medication. I can't have a single bad or frantic day without having to do a checklist of if I'm returning to an episode, either because another person suggests it or because it's been engrained so heavily in my head that I'm a ticking time bomb and I know I will lose all my rights again in an instant if I exhibit certain symptoms publically.

Where is this going? Who knows lol, I guess my point is that this July think about how you treat autonomy even in the "crazy of the crazy" or the "ugly disabilities". Think about what you would fight and scream and cry about if it ever happened to you or your friends due to a diagnosis, and then ask yourself if you're just as mad when it happens to the psychotic and schizospec and bipolar communities; when it happens to people with intellectual disability or cognitive disability; people with complex diagnoses and physical disability too; the visibly disabled and facial difference/limb difference community; people with sensory disabilities - even people with your same disorder but higher support needs. Let's not pit ourselves against each other - I'm not magically a better or more deserving person for being crazy and medically complicated, sure, yeah, got it... but I'm also definitely not less deserving of respect because I've got diagnoses that make a lot of people (including other marginalized people) uncomfortable.

And I have to, of course, discuss for a second before I finally shut up and stare at a wall how every single thing I said is colored by my experience as a white psychotic and that being a person of color (particularly black) makes the things I've talked about significantly worse - schizophrenia actually is treated the way it is in society because it was used as a diagnosis in the 1960s in America to call leaders of the Civil Rights movement delusional and dangerous (in the 1920s and 30s when it was really popularized as its own disorder outside of the schizophrenia and/or autism diagnosis of dementia praecox, schizophrenia evolved into a disorder given to white women who said inappropriate things or couldn't take care of the house correctly or wouldn't marry, thought of as silly and delusional but harmless and needing help... which is also fucked up and politically motivated and fuck that, but the disorder was actually changed significantly when it was primarily used to target black men to include sections about violence and dangerousness that weren't included when it targeted white women. The cultural view of schizophrenia as a violent disorder that persists even today is due to racism).

(Required reading for every single person alive who can handle psychological and or/racial theory but especially those going into the medical field is "The Protest Psychosis: How Schizophrenia Became a Black Disorder" by Jonathan Metzel, probably the greatest and most eye-opening book I have ever read, ironically enough I don't have it anymore because I gave it to another person to read in residential and he then stole it and got kicked out of the program)

[im-not-samantha-im-samanta]

Hello again, nonny!

Oh god, I'm so sorry how long this request took me to make.

I really wanted to make your request since you seem really sweet, but I struggled so much! I changed formats and ideas for your request at least 20 times and I'm so burnt out both creatively and in my personal life.

I'm not fully satisfied with my work, I feel like this piece could've been a bit better. But anyways I really hope you'll find the final results acceptable, and I'm again sorry for the way too long wait.

_

🍎🎶//Not such an awful colour after all...//🎶🍎

(Lilith and Lucifer x gender-neutral!imp!reader)

___________________________________________

Type: Fanfic

Settings: Romantic

Genre: Fluff, though a bit of hurt/comfort feel,

!TRIGGER WARNING!: Reader is hinted to be lonely and maybe a little depressed, hints of Reader having been mistreated in the past, occasional swear words used, idk if it's a trigger but Lucifer is a little awkward at interacting with gender-neutral reader at first (but he's supportive!), mentions of typical Hazbin Hotel stuff like hell, violence, etc., I believe the interaction between Lucifer and Lilith will give you second-hand embarrassment (but I imagine them being this lovey-dovey with each other, sorry), reader is also quite awkward and you'll probably also have second-hand embarrassment from this, and maybe a bit of not-sexual predator/prey feel in some parts is you squint (really not intended in a sexual way), and that should be all!

Sidenote: Reader is written as gender-neutral as per request. But if reader seems to be leaning towards more feminine sense, it's purely unintentional and I apologize!

Sidenote: Lucifer's portrayal is based off what we've seen in the show. As for Lilith, she's written as how the fandom's been portraying her before official release,

Sidenote: It's possible that reader might be a little neurodivergent coded. I just wrote what felt natural to me, and since I'm not a neurotypical, it might've affected Reader's portrayal,

_

That should be all,

Enjoy,

___________________________________________

Ah, those skies of red. Those sweet skies of red, they're all you've ever known.

Just those skies of red. And streets painted in blood, their shade makes you feel at home.

Skies of red, bloodied streets. As well as endless labyrinths bathing in the shade of ruby.

This is what makes up your entire world as a whole.

What makes up every twist, and every corner, even the littlest of crannies.

The colour of red - it seems to be an ever present companion.

A never leaving company, one that cannot be escaped no matter where you go.

Perhaps it is a punishment given to the sinners - to spend eternity in a sea of blood.

And only have a few distant memories of all the colours life holds.

A punishment to daily remind sinners of that one simple truth.

That just like the Pride ring is drained of colours, they themselves are drained of humanity.

At least, that's what's being passed on as the truth...

You yourself are not one of them, you're not a soul lost to sin and temptation.

And yet, you live the same exact way they do - in a single colour world.

Which is the only world you have ever known.

You may be an imp, sure.

You may have the upper hand over sinners, being able to travel outside Pride.

However, hell works just the same way the human world does.

At least in some ways.

Same as with humans, if you in hell don't have the means, the only travelling you can afford is taking out the trash.

And that's all. Nothing more, nothing less.

If we're bring honest here, you actually don't feel like you have the upper hand in this.

Especially considering the fact you're a lowly imp that can barely make a living.

If anything, you would say that sinners are the ones in the lead here.

Because they had experienced something you'd never have - a life outside of hell.

Before getting to hell, all sinners got to experience all the wonders of life.

Especially all those beautiful colours life could hold and come with - something you could only dream of.

You often wonder, though, just how it must feel to have everything you know taken away.

First having everything, and then ending up in a place that lacks most of what used to make up your whole world.

It's a pretty good punishment for sins if you think about it long and hard enough.

But you still don't think it's fair this punishment to see nothing but shades of red involves you too.

You never did anything wrong, and yet you live the same way sinners do.

And that's a fact you've still not accepted, and you probably never will.

The other imps in the Pride ring never seemed to be as bothered by this though.

They never really agreed with your desire of wanting more than just this.

Not even those that were the same as you - without the option to travel or move out of Pride.

Even your own parents always said that you were making this into too much of a big deal.

They didn't understand you, just like none of the other imps around you did.

That fact alone has always made you feel really singled out throughout your whole life.

You felt alone, and like no one really got you or your frustrations regarding living in a single colour world.

You felt like such an oddball - and the other imps didn't really help on that regard.

Most of them would point their fingers at you, and ridicule you.

You experienced that treatment especially when you were younger, still a naive little child.

Because back then you didn't know it was better to keep your mouth shut if your opinions didn't match what the rest thought.

You didn't know any better, but eventually, you've learned to keep such things to yourself.

You had to if you didn't want to continue being lonely and mistreated.

And so, you've pushed your distaste for the colour of red aside, never mentioning it ever again.

Or well, that's how it was until a really unusual and extraordinary day.

On one certain day, a beautiful, vividly turquoise rose was found in Pride.

And it was such an unusual sight that the petite little flower was taken and placed into a museum.

Yet, no one really seemed to care for that small little bloom.

No one really rushed to the museum building to see that little piece of miracle.

No one was excited about it.

No one except you.

It sure felt lonely all over again to be the only one there.

The only one standing in front of the flower secured behind the protective glass.

The only one eagerly wanting to take in every little detail of the flower with true and genuine enthusiasm.

But at the moment you finally got to live your childhood dreams, it didn't really matter.

It was not your loss, it was your gain.

And so, you stood there, gazing fondly at the petite bloom.

And as you did so, you eventually found yourself talking to the flower gently.

"Aren't you just the prettiest little thing all of hell's ever seen?".

You melted over the little miracle as if it could hear.

You spoke to it, letting those turquoise petals know just how much you admired them.

And you could've cared less about whether or not you looked silly.

This was a dream come true - and you've made sure that the little thing knew.

"You have no idea how much I've been wishing for something like you to happen here in hell...".

You found yourself confessing, telling the flower all you've kept inside for years and years.

All of what you've had to push aside and share with no one until this single moment.

And it felt amazing to finally let it all out after suppressing it all for so long.

Even if that small thing probably couldn't even hear or understand any of what you've shared.

Even if all you got in response was just and only deafening silence.

Silence that reminded you that you're the only one around.

The only one to have these certain thoughts regarding your hatred for the colour of red.

And your frustrations about your desires to see more of the colours life can hold.

You really were all alone on this one it seemed...

"Truly a sight to see, am I right?".

A voice broke you out of your thoughts.

And you then found yourself facing a stranger.

An ordinary height man - one with porcelain skin and golden locks for hair.

And two vividly yellow pools for eyes, with their centers of blood red.

Blood red - that one damn, awful shade that you held so much hatred for.

And yet, despite that, you had to admit that the man was quite the looker.

And he definitely knew how to dress - all fancy, and, dare you'd say, flawless.

Well, flawless if you ignored the presence of the colour red in his attire.

But nonetheless, he was truly something you could stare at for hours and not get bored.

And it was quite the surprise that such a man would approach someone like you.

A lowly imp - a creature beneath nearly all of hell kind.

"I wasn't talking about myself, you know?".

The man's voice brought you out of your thoughts for the second time today.

And as his teasing words settled in, you realize that you've been caught staring at him!

A blush immediately covered your face at that realization.

And you profoundly attempted to apologize, stumbling over your words as you did.

The stranger, however, didn't seem all too bothered, nor did he seem disgusted.

If anything, he looked amused, and the warm chuckle he gave reassured you about that assumption.

"Oh, it's nothing to get worked up over,".

The man silenced you gently, waving his hand dismissively.

"I am aware of the effect I have on women, men...".

He went on casually before pausing, and looking you up and down.

"As well as pretty little things such as yourself...".

He grinned at you seductively, but then you could almost see the gears turning in his head.

And as his eyes widened at what seemed to be a realization, his face shifted to a look of panic.

"Sorry- am I allowed to call you a thing? That's not offensive, is it?".

He questioned, making your embarrassment ease up.

He seemed as socially awkward as you at that certain moment.

And you couldn't help but smile as he sputtered some more.

"Fuck- sorry, would it be more acceptable to call you a pretty little person?".

The stranger asked, looking genuinely panicked about the situation.

But before you could reassure him, he went on a tangent.

"Wait- that's probably-".

He sputtered, stumbling over his words without catching a break.

It would be quite a comical sight to see - Him, a gorgeous demon - stressing over possibly having insulted a mere imp.

And to the point of nearly crumbling and begging for forgiveness too.

Truly a scene one doesn't get to see on the daily basis.

You might've even laughed at him if only you didn't feel quite bad for him.

He was obviously a decent person and meant well.

Which was not something you see in hell everyday either.

"Sorry! I've not romanced a gender nonconfirming individual before,".

The man chuckled awkwardly, nervously reaching out with his hand to fix his hat.

But then he almost seemed to choke back on his own chuckle before he, as if in a rush, added:

"-but I'm not actually trying to romance you! I'm just-".

He didn't get to finish his ramblings as you've decided to finally ease his nerves.

"It's all good, no worries,".

You gently cut the stranger off with a friendly chuckle.

And you even offered a soft smile to add to your reassurance.

You genuinely didn't want for this man to stress himself out - he seemed quite sweet.

"You did pretty well for your first time,".

You added in a light-hearted voice, feeling the need to relax the man further.

And to your words, the stranger responded with a surprised blink of his eyes, and his mouth going agape.

But that reaction was short lived as he soon grinned, looking pretty proud of himself.

"I did?".

Was the following verbal answer your reassurance received.

And being the good-natured person you were, you nodded in confirmation.

You didn't get annoyed with him, you actually enjoyed this interaction a lot.

It was like a breath of fresh air to finally talk to someone real.

And someone who was friendly and not a mean-spirited bitch at that!

"Wow, that's... That's a huge relief!".

The stranger chuckled again, but this time it was less awkward, and more warm and relaxed.

"It sure wouldn't do my reputation any good if I were to insult one of my subjects,".

He mused casually while tugging a little at his coat and fixing it to his liking.

"even if by complete accident,".

He added, but then his previous words sunk in, and you had to do a double take.

What did he mean by 'subjects'?

"Um... subjects?".

You voiced your thoughts and confusion, to which the man, still grinning, raised an eyebrow.

"Well, yeah?".

The stranger said with a voice tone that hinted it should be obvious, as if there was no place for confusion.

But you only stared at the man, clearly not getting the memo.

Yet, the man didn't seem offended, he actually seemed more amused than anything.

"Wait, you actually-?".

He broke put into a short, yet hearty laugh as he gripped onto his hat.

He laughed, but he didn't seem to be ridiculing you or have any ill will.

He just seemed to find the whole situation entertaining.

"My- oh, my!".

The stranger's laughter died down, only a few low chuckles leaving him as he uttered those words.

"Now that's something I don't see every day! You don't really do politics, do you?".

He asked you with a playful smirk, his sharp teeth peeking out from under his upper lip.

And you answered with a shake of your head, confirming the man's suspicions.

"Ah, that explains it,".

The stranger mused as he casually leaned onto his cane in the shape of an apple.

"Well, fortunately for you,".

The man began after a short pause, his eyes half-lidded and relaxed.

With a laid-back grin to complete the look.

"I'm not really one of those stuck-up royals who quite literally lose their shit over people not recognizing them,".

He gave a warm chuckle, along with a look of the same warmth as his laugh.

Like sweet honey stirred into a warm cup of tea.

Then, the stranger with the eyes of ruby put his free hand on his hip.

And he casually crossed his legs, all while still leaning against his cane.

He made his pose look so easy, and completely effortless. Like he had no weight the cane needed to support.

It was quite impressive.

And you wondered whether the man really weighed close to nothing.

Or if it was some sleight of hand kinda deal used to gain admiration from others.

Well, whichever case it were, the cane was perfectly still and straight.

As if the handsome demon wasn't even leaning on it.

"Yeah, that's not really my style,".

You heard the male say, drawing your attention back to him instead of the spear-like cane.

And you looked at the male just in time, because you got to see him casually checking his nails at the end of his statement.

Or well, you got to see him looking at where his nails would be as the stranger had black gloves on, giving no access to his nails.

But still, the gesture got the point across.

You understood the action was to deliver his words in a more smug and careless fashion.

Like he saw himself as above the rest of the popular demons.

And maybe as if he looked down on the others.

Not others as in low class.

Others as in the other royals, those who felt insulted if one didn't recognize them.

But that's beside the point.

What mattered more than how he said it, was the context of what he said.

Because the message that sunk in was clear - this man was a high class it seemed.

"Oh... so, you're a royal...?".

You found yourself saying in a way that made it seem like you were asking.

Like you weren't just repeating what was said to you, but like you wanted to hear a confirmation.

But despite that though, the voice tone you spike in wasn't really impressed nor intimidated.

Unlike what would've been expected of you upon such a find.

But your reaction was genuine, contrary to what one might think.

You truly weren't really impressed or intimidated by the revelation - you didn't find any reason to be.

One could call you naive, but you didn't feel the need to cower or be in awe.

Because this handsome demon didn't seem to want that sort of thing.

At least, that's what you assumed based on your interaction so far.

For the demon acted like a normal and ordinary demon, an equal to you even.

And not just that - he's been sweet and considerate the entire time too!

Not to mention you never got just why were royals such a big deal.

So, your disinterest in the man's status was your genuine reaction, it was no act.

"Sure am,"

The stranger nodded in agreement with your words, a low grin decorating his flawless face.

And you couldn't help but feel this laid-back aura coming off him, he seemed like he had little to no care in the world.

And he gazed at you with soft eyes that welcomed you in despite how much you despised their colour.

Oh, and the way he looked at you...

It made you feel like he wasn't bothered by your lack of reaction or lack of appeal for the fact he was a hight class.

It actually felt like he appreciated it. And his next words seemed like a confirmation of that.

"but, you don't have to worry your pretty little head about it,"

He waved his hand dismissively before addressing you with a:

"my dear little any-colour-but-red enthusiast.".

And the way he's addressed you made you pause.

And as your eyes widened, you had to do a double take.

You needed to let the title he's given you fully sink in.

And oh, when it did, your entire being filled shame and embarrassment.

Because if you got it right, then the man's heard your one-sided chat with the flower!

That one embarrassing heart to heart conversation no one was supposed to hear...

"Wait-".

You muttered, feeling your face beginning to heat up.

"you... you heard me...?".

You asked, and you couldn't even say anything more.

You were so embarrassed!

If one could die from shame, you'd be found dead right on your spot at least twice.

And yet, a part of you still hoped the male wouldn't confirm your worries.

A part of you still believed the situation wasn't so bad.

But then all your hopes were shattered.

"Mhm, I sure did,"

The handsome stranger confirmed much to your dismay.

And you were internally screeching.

You were caught sharing your frustrations with a petite bloom.

Talk about awkward.

You were surprised the stranger didn't run from you.

Fuck, this embarrassing moment was gonna stay on your mind til you die.

Even on your death bed this moment would be in your head on repeat.

"Oh my fucking-".

You sputtered and buried your face into your hands.

And you couldn't stop the involuntary, annoyed groan at the situation.

"I... damn... I'm sorry you had to see that...".

You eventually managed to tell the stranger after getting the courage to face him again.

"I would swear to you thar I'm not as odd as I may look right now,"

You went on, despite not knowing why exactly.

You felt the need to explain yourself, make yourself look better.

But you couldn't really.

"but I, unfortunately, do shit like that pretty often,"

Followed your confession.

Being true was the key, right?

Maybe it'd help in your case? You didn't count on

it.

And yet, the friendly demon surprised you.

"That's quite alright,"

You heard him chuckle.

And just like you previously reassured him, now he was to reassure you.

"if anything, I think you're quite endearing.".

He reassured you, voice warm and sweet, just like his eyes and the look he was giving you were.

And you did feel a bit calmer after his words for sure, although you still couldn't get over the fact this man's heard everything.

After all, what you told the flower wasn't something you'd tell just anyone. Let alone to someone you didn't know at all.

But then, the male spoke up again.

"And, between you and me...".

He started, looking into your eyes.

And then, he said those words you've always wanted to hear.

"I agree with you, hell could use more colour.".

There it was. Those words no one's ever told you. Those words you've always craved to hear.

Someone was agreeing with you and sharing your frustrations.

It felt like a dream.

You needed to pinch yourself, just to be sure this was real.

Your ears weren't deceiving you, were they?

"You... you really think so?".

You asked the stranger, your voice low, words cautious.

You didn't want to risk anything.

Your thoughts were racing, you were all tense, and you almost held back your breath as you waited for the man's response.

The male was quiet for a bit, prolonging your nervousness.

But it didn't seem like it was deliberately to make you suffer.

Since his expression softened - his grin was less wide, less smug.

And his eyes held something in them that was hard to read.

It seemed like recognition or compassion...

And maybe if one looked close enough, they would see a hint of sadness and longing.

As if, long time ago, the man's lost something he cherished dearly.

You've never seen anyone look like that.

And maybe this was why you felt the stranger's words were true.

That he was sick of living in a world made of shades of red just like you were.

"Yes, I do,".

He nodded, melancholia taking over the demon's features.

"Losing the opportunity to witness all the colours life can carry is something I mourn over from time to time...".

He confessed to you as he stood straight again, hus stance no longer relaxed, and he gazed longingly at the turquoise rose.

"You know, when I'm in a certain mood...".

He added with a bit lighter tone and a soft smile sent your way.

As if he was trying to make his words seem more light-hearted and not bring the mood down.

His words made a few questions arise in your head.

He confessed to have known a world filled with colours, which would hint at him being a sinner.

But then again, he said he was a royal, so he couldn't be a sinner.

It was confusing, and you had several questions, but you didn't have it in you to ask.

Instead you remained silent, gaze fixating on those turquoise petals.

Yet, you didn't leave the stranger without a reaction.

It may have been daring, maybe even improper, to do this to a royal, but you felt it was the right thing to do.

And so, you gently placed a consoling hand on the man's arm.

And when the male looked at you with a surprised look, you offered a soft smile and eyes full of compassion.

A look to let him know he wasn't alone in this.

And that gesture seemed to mean a lot to the demon as he offered a light smile back, his eyes seeming more lively after your act.

And you two exchanged a gaze of understanding one another, both of you feeling seen.

And then, the two of you gazed back at the turquoise rose, both of you admiring it in silence.

But this time neither of you were alone. This time you both had someone there with you. Someone to share this special moment with.

This was a moment that meant more than any personal possessions - this moment meant everything.

Yet, getting to have everything at one moment doesn't necessarily mean you'll get to keep that everything.

Such moments were a matter of a few minutes, not a lifetime.

And the reminder of this simple truth, came in a form of a voice.

A female voice that awoke a sense of familiarity in you.

Yet, you could not remember where you've heard that voice before.

And and picturing the owner has proven to be even more hard - it was out of the question.

"Ah, there you are!".

A female voice rang through the empty museum halls.

The sound it carried was smooth and feminine, with elegance.

And it evoked a cozy feeling, if that even makes sense.

There was also this slight raspy quality to it, yet the voice was sweet.

Pleasant to the ears.

You and the handsome stranger both turned around.

And the sight you were met with - oh how to even describe it?

You almost found yourself doubting that you were still standing in hell.

Because you could've sworn you were literally seeing an angel.

The woman that approached was like a divine painting.

Her figure was well-endowed, with long and thin legs.

And her face was sharp and flawless, looking as if made up by angels.

As if to add to her beauty - she had blonde long hair.

And that hair draped over her body all the way to the floor.

Like a veil made of gold.

She truly looked like a being straight out of heaven.

And you would dare to say that she rivaled all the depictions of Eve you've heard of.

Though there was one thing ruining the divine image of hers.

And those were her horns.

Wine red, long and curled horns decorating her head.

"Lili!".

The blond male next to you perked up.

He eagerly waved the woman over, a wide smile on his face.

His sharp teeth exposed.

His entire person appeared to have completely livened up.

Contrary to how solemn he was with you just a few moments back.

"My one and only! Where have you been?".

He asked the woman.

Or well, Lili - as he's addressed her.

And he gazed at her with pure adoration, excitement written all over his face.

And the demon stepped forward with a fond look.

"I could've sworn you were by my side the whole time before- poof- and you were gone!".

The handsome demon went on.

His pace of speech was fast and energized.

And he was almost jumbling his words together in the process.

And with his gesticulation coming on strong, the male had a truly disorganized look to him.

He looked as if his thoughts and emotions were all over the place.

As if they were going millions of miles per second.

It was quite a wholesome sight to see.

The previously seemingly well-composed man turning into a little ball of energy?

Just because he laid his eyes on the much taller demoness?

That was a truly cute and wholesome moment, a heartwarming moment even, if you'd dare to say.

"But that's not what happened, Luci."

The demoness responded to the shorter demon.

Or well, Luci, if we're going by how he was addressed.

And the female chuckled warmly.

She didn't seem bothered by the male's antics.

Instead, they seemed to be something she adored and held dear.

And the look in her lilac eyes held nothing but devotion.

Matching the one in the red eyes of 'Luci'.

Then, at her response, the male demon looked confused.

"It's not?".

He questioned, to which 'Lili' shook her head, chuckling again.

And then came the following answer:

"No, not quite. It was actually you who wandered off.".

'Luci' seemed taken aback by the reply,.

And pointing to himself as he questioned further:

"Me?".

'Lili' then nodded softly.

The fond look never leaving her face.

"Are you- are you sure? I don't remember it happening like that...".

The blond male then mused, his brows furrowing.

And gripping his chin in thought, he puckered up his lips.

He seemed genuinely confused about the whole thing.

Which made him look quite silly.

Though you yourself, personally, found the look quite cute.

And 'Lili' probably shared your view on that matter.

Because she chuckled melodiously.

Which was a truly heavenly sound to your ears.

And as she did, she seemed to almost melt over the male.

"And how do you remember it, dear?".

She questioned, and her lilac eyes held a comforting feeling.

Like that one of summer evening.

When it's getting dark and everything is cooling down.

Getting to breathe and rest.

With a campfire nearby, a good chilly drink in hand.

And the sound of crickets in the background.

A warm, yet still cooling feeling.

"Well, first we were holding hands..."

'Luci' began to explain to his female companion.

And as if on cue, his strong gesticulation began anew.

And with that, he followed through with:

"Then we stopped by those Lust jewels - y'know, those Asmodeus used to wear before eventually donating them here,".

Then he paused for a moment.

He seemed to be trying to remember the rest of the details.

"Then, I noticed the signs about the new expositions...".

He added after a moment of silence.

A pause, and then eyes seemed to sparkle.

Almost as if he's made some sort of accomplishment.

He most likely managed to remember more details of what's happened.

At least, that's what you've guessed.

"Oh, yeah!".

The handsome male chirped eagerly.

And he almost jumped on his spot as he went ahead to fill in the rest of what's happened.

At least according to him:

"And then I go: Look, Lili! The sign here says the turquoise rose is on the upper floor! Come!".

He said, imitating, what you assumed, were his previous actions and words.

"And I rushed upstairs while leaving you by the Lust jewels.".

The demon finished casually as he smiled.

He seemed so proud of himself for remembering everything.

But then, his yellow eyes widened, everything apparently sinking in.

"Oohh, yeah... It really was me who wandered off,".

He muttered as an embarrassed and disappointed look took over his features.

"You were right, yeah...".

'Luci' admitted, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly all while 'Lili' had a knowing look.

It was that smug 'I told you so' look, but without the ill-will in it.

Instead the look held a playful feel.

A playful feel like that of a simple lovey-dovey banter.

A lovey-dovey banter with no hard feelings.

"Oh, Lili- my love!".

The handsome male called dramatically.

And he took ahold of the taller demoness' hands, squeezing them.

"I have committed such shameful act! Can you ever forgive me, my queen?".

He asked in such a over exaggerated, over dramatic voice.

And he looked a few seconds away from dropping to his knees.

Possibly to loudly and unnecessarily plead for forgiveness.

But that wasn't all yet, because 'Luci' added to the scene.

'Luci' began planting soft kisses onto the female's hands.

Yeah, that wasn't really a scene you'd care to watch.

Talk about uncomfortable.

You just had to look away from the two.

And not only was the scene unpleasant to witness.

But you also didn't want to be seen as some kind of perverted freak.

Like, being caught watching this sort of scene?

Yeah, that wasn't on your bucket list.

And so, you directed your focus back on the turquoise rose.

You wanted to give the two the privacy they probably should have.

And surprisingly, it wasn't as hard to tune the two out.

If you focused on the little bloom hard enough, that is.

You were only brought back to the conversation when you heard yourself being mentioned.

"And who's your friend, Lulu?".

The blonde female asked as her gaze met yours.

Her lilac eyes flashed red for a moment and the shade made you really uncomfortable.

It made you want to shrink, if not straight up run away.

And it was hard to tell if you felt that way because of how much you hated the colour red.

Or if it was because the woman's gaze was suddenly so strict and intimidating.

She seemed to be sizing you up, analyzing, judging...

But before you could muster up the courage to introduce yourself, 'Luci' did it for you.

Or well, he attempted to do so.

"Oh! That! That's...".

He eagerly attempted to introduce you.

Motioning to you with his hand as he grinned wide.

But when the blond male realized he actually didn't know your name, he let his hand drop back to his side.

And he chuckled awkwardly.

"I actually have no idea!".

He chuckled awkwardly, making you feel somewhat more nervous.

The way 'Lili' studied you left you quite uneasy and all tense, you were a little panicked.

Because suddenly a thought came to your head.

What if the woman could see you as some sort of homewrecker?

As someone trying to get with the male she so obviously dated?

That thought caused a tight feeling in your chest.

You found it hard to breathe.

And 'Luci' wasn't making it much better, despite not having any ill intent.

At least you hope he didn't.

"I guess we just got a little lost in our conversation,".

The male said.

He sounded much more casual with this statement.

And he fixed his hat a little.

"Isn't that right, my any-colour-but-red enthusiast?".

'Luci' addressed you with a grin.

Pulling you into the conversation without giving you any time to prepare.

Yeah, he wasn't making this situation any easier to handle.

And not having expected to be involved in the chat, your mind went all blank.

You had not anticipated that.

You were not prepared for this scenario.

So, the only reaction you could come up with was an awkward smile.

An awkward smile and a quick nod sent towards the tall female.

You really hoped that if 'Lili' was reading between the lines, she'd see it really was just an innocent interaction.

An innocent interaction and nothing more.

"Ah, I see... how sweet".

'Lili' hummed.

Unbothered, unphased - that's how you'd describe her.

She seemed so well-composed and proper in every way.

Even all of her movements were just so elegant and correct.

If that makes sense.

Natural - that's another words you'd use for the female.

All her responses seemed just so natural and right.

Especially compared to you.

Yeah, nothing about her said 'socially awkward', unlike how it was in your case.

And, as if that wasn't enough - she was also truly hard to read.

You couldn't tell what she was thinking, she was unpredictable.

She could be planning on tearing you apart and you'd never be able to tell!

And that made the demoness so much more intimidating to you.

Especially considering you had a feeling that, unlike you, she could read you perfectly.

That, or she could be potentially misreading you - that would definitely make things worse.

"And I take it your little chat must've been quite entertaining if you've managed to hold my dear husband's attention for so long,"

The blonde's lilac gaze bore into yours once again.

Her long eyelashes gave her eyes a thin and sharp look.

They were like two black, massive folded fans.

You couldn't tell if they were natural lashes or false ones.

Anyways, her words were followed by a smirk - one that made you feel unsafe.

Predatory, dangerous - that was the air her smirk carried.

And you felt like you were about to fall prey to the demoness.

Like you were going to meet the same fate a little mouse meets at the claws of a cat.

Even the female's pupils seemed to be cat-like slits, as if to only add to that feeling.

And you were so sure that 'Lili' would've pounced on you.

If only 'Luci' didn't chime in.

"Hey! My attention span isn't so bad!".

The male demon called, hands on his hips as he looked quite offended.

Yet, he smiled playfully afterwards.

So, it was safe to assume that he wasn't truly as insulted as it may have seemed.

And another argument for that claim would be the man's next actions.

For his body took a much more relaxed stance, and he added:

"But yeah, yeah, it was a good chat,".

And he then simply fixed his hat a little as it previously nearly slipped off his head when he so intensely perked up at his wife's little jab at his person.

But shortly just after fixing his hat, the demon perked up again.

Almost sending his hat flying off his head once more.

"because-".

'Luci' jumped up.

He seemed to have recalled the exact context of the chat he had with you a few moments ago.

And suddenly, he no longer looked relaxed or casual.

Instead, in an blink of an eye, his calm demeanor switched up for a much more energetic one.

He acted like a little ball of energy once again.

"you won't believe it, Lili- but this little imp actually shares our passion!".

The blond male said with a wide grin.

And he started gesticulating strongly again.

Almost as if he was practitioning pantomime.

He seemed just so eager to share this with his female companion.

And he spoke so fast and excitedly that he almost struggled to breathe.

But after a long and deep breath, 'Luci' managed to sputter out the rest:

"They also think hell could use more colours! Isn't that- isn't that awesome, Lili??".

And at the mention of your desire to see more colours in hell 'Lili's eyes seemed to spark with interest.

"Oh, you don't say.".

She mused.

Her thin fingers grazed her face for a second, her eyebrows raising up a little.

And her expression softened.

Then, another light smirk appeared on her face.

But imposing isn't a word you'd call that smirk she wore.

This certain smirk was different than the previous ones.

This one seemed much safer, and almost friendly.

And 'Lili' had something more lively about her as she said:

"Well then, it seems we'll get along just perfect,".

And with those words, the blonde demoness took a step towards you.

"May I ask for your name? I'm sure that'd be much preferable than being referred to as any-colour-but-red enthusiast.".

The female told you with a short, yet warm chuckle.

And a hand casually rested on her curvy side.

Most of the intimidating demeanor she previously had seemed gone.

She seemed to have eased up.

Which gave her a more approachable feel.

And thanks to that, you yourself felt much more at ease being in the woman's presence.

So, it wasn't as difficult to muster up the courage to speak as it was before.

"Oh- y-yeah... I'd much rather be called by my name, yeah, that'd be much better, totally,".

You chuckled awkwardly.

And nodding your head with a light smile, you rubbed at the back of your neck.

You were rambling a little too.

You still felt a bit of unease.

But that was to be expected.

Considering you've not had this much of genuine social interaction in years.

But, 'Lili' didn't seem to mind.

She just looked at you with almost a motherly, compassionate look.

And she waited for you to introduce yourself with patience.

"Oh- damn- I'm rambling again, sorry,".

You said nervously after a short pause when you were processing your own actions.

And you almost started rambling anew before you caught yourself going that direction.

And you stopped yourself.

You needed to compose yourself.

You didn't want to drive her away by your social incompetence.

"Ahem, anyways, yeah, my name... I'm (Y/N),".

You finally introduced yourself.

And proud of your accomplishment, your inner self did a little victory dance.

Then, remembering how social interactions work, you added in:

"It's really a pleasure to meet you.".

You nodded with a smile before perking up and quickly saying:

"Ah- erm- both of you,".

And you sent a timid smile towards 'Luci', wanting to acknowledge him as well.

You didn't want for him to feel left out.

Your gesture seemed to be appreciated as the blond male smiled right back.

But instead of 'Luci' speaking up, it was his wife to follow though with the conversation.

"It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance as well.".

'Lili's voice pulled your gaze right back at her figure.

And your full focus was on her once again.

"Truly it is, (Y/N).".

The demoness added in, nodding her head as if to confirm her statement.

After that, another smile formed on her lips, and she had this slightly amused look to her.

"Now, normally I would suppose that there's no introduction needed on our part,".

She mused, a hand resting on her chest while she leaned over a little, towering over you.

Her tall frame casted a bit of a shadow over you, making you feel much smaller than you actually were.

And she got so close that you could smell her expensive perfume.

But that was the least thing you needed to focus on.

You needed to listen to her words - which you forced yourself to do.

"but judging by this entire interaction, I would say you have absolutely no idea who we are,".

You heard 'Lili' say as your focus was back on the context of her words.

And her entire person was once again imposing as she finished her sentence.

She was wearing a light, entertained grin - one that exposed her pearly white fangs.

And despite her grin being quite pronounced, it did not take off her elegance.

If anything, it only made her more heavenly gorgeous.

And showing those pointed teeth some more, she asked:

"Am I correct in that assumption?".

With that question, she raised an eyebrow.

Her expression wasn't confused as one might have assumed, though.

No, the demoness seemed to already know your answer.

And that knowing look she wore only further confirmed that claim.

Perhaps you were right when you assumed 'Lili' could easily read you.

That realization alone made your eyes widen, and you sputtered:

"Oh- y-yeah- that would be right.".

You nodded your head with an awkward smile, feeling both nervous and embarrassed.

And your nervousness was, of course, affecting you, as you rambled a little just like you previously did:

"Yeah, I have no idea who you two are... I don't do politics and famous people... buuuut, you're... probably someone... important...?".

At your guess, both 'Lili' and 'Luci' chuckled, and they exchanged a glance.

"Oh dear, you have no idea,".

The blonde demoness stated as another soft chuckle left her lips.

Then she covered her lips with her fingers for a few seconds, looking amused.

And the way 'Lili' and 'Luci' were gazing at you left you unable to do anything other than smile awkwardly.

Their gazes were hard to describe, but you felt preyed upon.

Just like you previously felt with the women at the start.

Except it felt a bit different in a way you couldn't quite describe.

Not to mention that this time 'Luci' was a part of it.

The male demon's even gotten closer to you just like his wife did a while ago.

"They're precious, aren't they, Lili?".

'Luci' suggested as he stepped forward.

His gaze was focused on you, and he was giving a sharp toothed grin.

A grin that called for you - begged you - to read between the lines.

But that could be just your imp nature speaking, right?

After all, imps were used to being the prey to other demons.

So it made sense for you to be alert around other demon species, right?

Well, even then, the answer 'Lili' gave to 'Luci's question didn't help you feel safer.

"Quite so, Luci,".

'Lili' mused as her gaze trailed over your whole person.

She was looking you up and down with predatory eyes - like a snake looking at a little mouse.

Her gaze was unnerving, and the female didn't seem to bother with doing that action subtly either.

As if she felt no shame in doing so.

Almost as if she wanted for you to be aware of what she was doing.

And as if that wasn't alarming enough, 'Lili's gaze then trailed off towards 'Luci'.

The two looked at each other, exchanging a certain gaze.

You couldn't tell what kind of gaze it was exactly, but it made you feel so much more preyed upon.

It appeared as if the two were wordlessly agreeing on something, plotting even.

And you didn't like that one bit.

But before you could even think to perhaps run off, the couple directed their attention back at you.

"Well, dear (Y/N)... It seems an introduction is in order,".

'Lili' then told you in a smooth voice as she once agai leaned over you in one elegant movement.

Meanwhile 'Luci' stood aside, watching the further interaction with an eager grin.

"Allow me to introduce myself, my name is Lilith,".

The blonde demoness introduced herself, a hand on her chest.

Then, she motioned to the male beside her with her hand.

And the demon in question stepped forward, placing his hand into the female's palm.

"And this is my husband, Lucifer.".

Lilith introduced the male, making you pause.

You needed a moment to do a quick double take on that information.

But before you could even questioned anything, the mentioned male spoke:

"Lucifer Morningstar. It's a pleasure to officially meet you, (Y/N).".

And with those words, the world suddenly seemed to stop and freeze in time.

Your mouth and throat went completely dry, and your pulse seemed to halt.

The room seemed to begin to spin, your body breaking into cold sweat.

And all you could hear was loud and painful ringing in your ears.

This couldn't be real.

"W-wait...".

You attempted to speak, your eyes wide.

You wanted to say something - anything!

But your brain seemed to have crashed and gone blank.

You were unable to formulate a single simple sentence.

You were at loss for words.

And at loss for breath too it seemed.

Your throat was all closed up, and all you could give was a pathetic little gasp for air.

"Oh? Oh? What is it, dear?"

Lucifer looked entertained - and it was the same for Lilith.

The pair watched you do a bit of your mental gymnastics with amused gazes.

Both were grinning.

Seemingly finding some kind of joy in you finally realizing just who you were dealing with.

"Do those names... I don't know... maybe ring a bell?".

Lucifer asked you in a sweet and seemingly well-meaning, yet still condescending voice.

He sounded playful, as if this was just some kind of a game.

But when the demon got no response from you, he grinned wide and turned to his wife:

"Why, Lili, I have a feeling those names do ring a bell to them,".

And Lilith, seemingly equally as amused, nodded along:

"Yes, it certainly seems like it, Lulu,".

You had absolutely no idea as to what to do in this situation.

Your brain was way too overloaded to figure out a possible solution for this.

Thinking was out of the question, so was talking yourself out of this situation.

You were so fucked.

And so, acting on default, you dropped to your knees, hands in a praying position, attempting to ask for forgiveness.

You didn't dare look at the two, your eyes being directed to the ground as your entire body trembled.

And you pitifully tried to verbally ask for forgiveness of the pair too.

But all you could force out were just pathetic little noises and sputters of nonsense.

"Now, that's quite a bit of an extreme reaction, don't you think?".

Lucifer mused all so casually, sounding unbothered by the display.

And Lilith matched the casual, unphased voice tone, saying:

"Come now, get off the floor, dear. The ground is way too dirty for you to be sprawling all over it like that,".

After that, Lucifer chimed in again, following through with:

"Yeah, and you might want to wipe off those tears as well, they're a bit too dramatic,".

Their words and reaction confused you so, and made you pause.

You didn't know what was going on - you've not expected this.

They were supposed to tear you apart, weren't they?

Because you didn't recognize them and talked to them so casually, right?

Well, not even Lucifer's next words made that any clearer.

In fact, you actually ended up feeling even more confused then.

"And I gotta ask: is your memory not working well?".

Lucifer asked, and a hint of disappointment lingered in the air.

You didn't understand his words, or his voice tone.

Both only made more questions arise.

And you cautiously looked up to him,

"wha- what?".

You muttered, voice barely loud enough to be heard.

You felt almost afraid to question what Lucifer's said.

You just can't help yourself but be fearful of the male.

Even if he's been nothing but pleasant to you the whole time.

But, could anyone even really blame you for your unease and fear?

He was the literal Devil, and you've treated him like an equal.

There was no way that Lucifer wasn't insulted or upset over this.

"I mean, I told you I'm not one of those royals who lose it if one doesn't recognize them, no?".

Well, it turned out your assumptions were all wrong.

These words that Lucifer's said have proven you wrong.

He didn't seem upset whatsoever, and his words confirmed that.

Sure, he sounded just a little disappointed with you in a way.

But he was not upset, which definitely was a relief.

However, you still had yet to properly calm down and relax.

"Y-yeah... you did...".

Was all you've managed to clumsily force out.

And your voice tone sounded just a little surprised.

That was because you've experienced a bit of a realization.

Truth be told, you've completely forgotten about your previous conversation.

You've forgotten just what kind of a royal Lucifer told you he was.

And when you remembered the male's previous words, your eyes widened a little.

Yet, your mind didn't feel any clearer, you still felt the same.

So, saying anything more was a task you could not achieve.

But, the devil went on with the conversation anyways.

"Then what's up with that reaction?".

He questioned you, an eyebrow raised.

He sounded almost judgemental at that certain moment.

He even looked the part - an unimpressed gaze, a hand on his hip.

Yet, somehow, there was still no feeling of ill-will to him.

Still, it wasn't any easier for you to think of what to say.

"I- I... well... y-you see...".

You clumsily attempted to explain yourself.

But a weak little mutter was all that you could give.

You couldn't say anything more, your brain felt too empty.

Everything that's happened just left you with a clouded mind.

And your thoughts and emotions were all over the place.

So, a soft mutter and a distressed whimper was the best you could do.

But Lucifer didn't seem to mind that, not even in the slightest.

"Nah, I'm just pulling your leg!".

He called with a hearty chuckle.

And he dismissively waved his hand as he added:

"I totally get the whole dropping to your knees thing!".

"I mean, we're literally the rulers of hell, so it makes complete sense for you to act this way,".

The blonde male went on and on.

He seemed to be having a good laugh at all of this.

And he gesticulated and spoke all enthusiastically.

But you didn't really catch any of what was being said.

Your brain was way too overloaded to be able to do so.

And the longer Lucifer spoke, the worse you began to feel.

Much to your relief though, Lilith finally chimed in once again.

"Luci, I think you're completely overwhelming the poor thing,".

The queen of hell noted.

She sounded a little amused just like the male was.

Yet, there was a clear hint of concern in the way she spoke.

"Oh, am I?".

The king of hell paused.

Finally, he took a moment to take in your state.

And when he did, he awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck and mused:

"Yeah... I think I am,".

After Lucifer noted that, Lilith focused and spoke directly to you.

"We apologize, (Y/N).".

She started in a gentle tone.

And her expression was not as amused anymore.

At that certain moment, she seemed almost apologetic.

But not too much.

"It's just that it's not often someone doesn't recognize us, and we couldn't help ourselves,".

The demoness explained.

And you could've sworn her eyes held genuine concern in them.

Although her overall stance didn't really change much.

The tall blonde was still perfectly well-composed.

And she still appeared mostly unphased.

Then she finished her speech with:

"all was meant in good fun,".

At that final explanation, you paused.

Your racing thoughts came to a full stop.

And processing Lilith's words, you said cautiously:

"S- so we're... all good?".

Your words came out slow and soft.

And you were careful with your wording too.

You were kind of testing the waters in a sense.

The two rulers of hell kept surprising you.

They were continuously proving to not be a threat to you.

Yet one could never be fully sure - especially not in Hell.

And especially not as mere little imp.

Your question was met with a warm smile from Lilith.

And she nodded to your words, confirming them.

"Yes, we're all good".

She confirmed.

Relief washed over you then.

And you made sure to voice that.

"Oh- holy shi- I'm so relieved!".

You breathed.

And only then did you get off the ground.

"Fuuuuck,".

You gave a breathy chuckle.

And you wiped some metaphorical sweat off your forehead.

You felt on cloud nine - as if you've escaped death.

So, you couldn't really control your vocabulary at the moment.

Not like it mattered anyways.

"For- for a moment I thought-".

You stumbled over your words a little.

This entire thing felt just so unreal.

You were overwhelmed again.

But this time not exactly overwhelmed in a bad way.

"For a moment I thought it'd be off with my head or something!".

You admitted.

And you gripped your head.

You needed a moment to fully process everything.

"Whaaat? No! No, we'd never do that!".

Lucifer called, pulling your focus back to himself and his wife.

He looked and sounded astounded.

As if not grasping just where you got that idea from.

But then he paused, and he gripped his chin in thought.

"I mean, we probably did that at some point, centuries and centuries ago...".

He thought out loud.

And that made your eyes widen a little.

You couldn't tell of he was just kidding around again or not.

And you almost felt your unease returning.

But then came the following exchange.

"Or did that happen only in a dream...?".

The Devil mused, confused and uncertain.

To which Lilith shushed him gently yet disapprovingly:

"Lulu, you're not helping,".

That was all she said.

She didn't deny or confirm anything.

And Lucifer perked up just then.

"Oh- yeah, right... that was a little beside the point I was trying to make...".

Lucifer admitted awkwardly.

He even gave a slight apologetic look for a quick moment.

But that expression of his was pretty much short lived.

Since then he relaxed and offered a friendly smile.

"Sorry, dear (Y/N), I tend to trail off sometimes.".

He told you, voice calm and pleasant.

And his words were even accompanied by a low chuckle.

"I can confirm that,".

Lilith voiced in, her tone just as pleasant, as well as humorous.

The mood in the room suddenly felt much better.

It felt easier to just be in the moment.

Lilith's little jab at Lucifer's expense made the male give a playful glare.

And to that, the demoness offered a playful smirk back.

Then, the blond male spoke again.

"Anyhow, I think we should properly apologize for how we...".

Lucifer trailed off.

Seemingly trying to find the right term to use.

"had fun at your expense?".

Lilith filled the rest in.

Helping her lover name what they did correctly.

And the male nodded in agreement:

"Yeah... that'd be the word,".

Then, Lucifer added:

"So, what can we do to apologize?".

The words of the pair had you astonished.

After all, they did give you a verbal apology already.

So, you'd just assume the situation was over.

It wasn't like you wanted anything more from them anyways.

After all, getting an apology out of someone as an imp was near to impossible.

And having someone want to do a selfless act to undo their wrongdoing?

That was twice as impossible.

No one really cared for imps.

Nor did they really see them as equals.

And yet, here were the two highest ranking demons in all of hell.

Both of them treating you fair and with respect.

You were so beneath them.

Yet they treated you more kindly than your own kin.

And maybe even more kindly than you treated yourself.

"Oh- no, no, that's completely alright!".

You dismissed the pair's offer.

You really weren't used to such treatment.

And you almost felt bad if you were to accept.

"No real harm was done! All's good!".

You went on.

You really didn't want for these two to burden themselves for your sake.

Honestly, it felt a little wrong.

However, your dismissiveness got matched.

Lilith and Lucifer weren't accepting of you waving it all off.

"No, no, we insist!".

Lucifer cut your efforts off.

And he matched your own voice tone.

Dismissive and insistent, and also a bit loud.

"Truly, we insist.".

Lilith nodded along, not letting you speak.

"After all, words are just so cheap - actions speak much louder".

She persuaded some more.

And the Devil was there to her aid, saying:

"So, even if we shall do just a simple act like buying you coffee... We insist,".

Of course, your first instinct was to keep declining.

Yet, something in you had you pause and think.

This was an opportunity like no other.

For you seemed to get along well with the two so far.

And the pair seemed to understand you like no one else.

After all, the two shared your view on Pride needing more colour.

Who knew if you didn't have more things in common?

And perhaps this was the moment you've always been waiting for.

Did you really want to sabotage yourself and throw it all away?

The answer was no.

No, you didn't.

And so, with a bit of hesitation, you stated:

"I guess... that coffee does sound good?".

And with your sheepish smile and answer the deal was sealed.

Because the king and queen both grinned.

"Good, I'm sure we'll have a lot to talk about,".

Lilith hummed.

She sounded pleased.

"And we'll start with why Pride needs more colour".

Lucifer added in.

And he gave a playful wink.

Then, his red eyes met yours for a moment.

And the Devil smiled at you before calling eagerly:

"Off to a cafe we go!".

And with that, the male rushed towards the museum exit.

He seemed to completely forget about you and Lilith.

"You'll get used to it,".

Lilith told you with a smile.

And as her lilac gaze met yours, her eyes flashed red again.

But this time her red eyes didn't intimidate you.

You two then went ahead to follow Lucifer.

And on your way out of the museum, you had just one thought.

That being:

That now you couldn't really hate the colour of red as much as you used to.

___________________________________________

[mikashisus]

OLDER : O8. apologies

Fixing your tank top and scrambling to find a pair of shorts to throw on, you eagerly awaited Zhongli’s arrival.

You certainly weren’t expecting him to suddenly make a trip to your apartment this late into the night. Yet, a part of you was happy to spend more time with him. It was a surprise, but a very pleasant one.

A ding sounded from your phone as you stumbled and hastily pulled on a pair of shorts. You slipped your feet into a pair of slippers and stepped out into the cold hallway.

You shivered as the cool air from the AC touched your bare shoulders. As quietly as you could, you closed your apartment door— the old woman next door claimed you always slammed it so loud the entire floor could hear it, though you knew she was only exaggerating because she liked causing trouble.

You quickly shot Zhongli a text and twirled your keys around your finger as you waited for the elevator to take you down to the main lobby. Exiting the side door, you saw Zhongli’s sleek black truck parked alongside the road.

Whenever he came to your apartment, you insisted he park near the side entrance to the lobby. It not only made it an easier job for you, but also kept him from garnering unwanted attention.

As soon as he heard the door open, he snapped out of his daze and walked up to you, a soft smile on his lips as he gave you a quick once over. You let him into the lobby, and the elevator ride up to your floor was awkwardly silent.

You took off your slippers upon entering your apartment, a strong scent of cologne wafting out into the hallway. You preferred to use both perfume and cologne, just because you liked having a masculine scent sometimes.

Zhongli was more than familiar with each fragrance bottle you used. You had them all lined up in your bathroom in an organized and color coded fashion. Once, he had made a joke about the color coordination, to which you told him that because of your neurodivergency, you needed to have most of your things organized by color.

He followed you into the kitchen, where you asked if he would like something to drink. Instead of answering, he placed his hands under your thighs and lifted you onto the counter. A small yelp escaped your mouth at the action, and you grabbed onto his shoulders to steady yourself.

He pushed himself in between your legs and sighed heavily. “I would like to make something very clear with you.”

You swallowed thickly and nodded. “Okay…”

“I don’t care about my reputation. You said you feel guilty for tarnishing it, but my dear… you have to understand that I don’t care for it in the first place. Even if I did, you have done no such thing.” He gently brushed a finger over your cheek.

“Please do not blame yourself. Like you said, it’s not anyone’s fault. I hate to see you so upset.”

You leaned into his touch and sighed softly. Your lip trembled as you fought to keep yourself from crying. The last thing you wanted to do was cry in front of him. You didn’t want him to worry more than he already did.

However, as soon as you locked eyes with his soothing amber irises, the tears all came flowing out. You bit your lip hard as tears fell down your cheeks in rivers. Zhongli immediately pulled you into his chest, holding onto you tightly as you cried.

“It’s alright. I’m here. Cry as much as you like.” He muttered, rubbing soothing circles into your back.

It was silly to think of, but his way of comforting you was very fatherly. You wondered if he had ever comforted Hu Tao like this.

You quickly pushed that thought aside. That was weird to think about��� wasn’t it?

But you could not help but wonder, because your own father had not done anything like this for you. You had always dealt with things on your own, and maybe that was why you refused to let anyone help you… because you thought you had to face it alone. It was your obstacle to overcome.

But you were not alone— not as long as Zhongli was there to comfort you.

Letting out a shaky sigh, you pulled from his embrace. “Jeez, I’m sorry,” you flinched at the crack in your voice as you spoke.

Zhongli gently wiped your tears with his thumb and sent you a reassuring smile. “There’s no need to apologize. Crying is healthy. You shouldn’t force yourself to hold back the tears.”

“Yeah… I know.” You shrugged, “I’m just not used to other people seeing me cry. It makes me feel weak.”

He lifted your chin, forcing you to meet his gaze. “Crying is not a form of weakness. It’s a strength. It shows how human you are. Please, do not hide your feelings from me.”

Your heart melted at his words and actions. Never in your life had you encountered someone as genuine and compassionate as Zhongli. He made you feel safe and loved, time and time again.

“I’m tired… tired of the hate. I can’t stand it. I can’t stand people.” You hissed quietly, gripping tightly onto his white shirt.

He placed a soft kiss on your cheek and brought your head to his chest. You listened to his steady heartbeat and let it calm you as he rested his head on top of yours. “I know, my love. I am too.”

Your heart lurched and butterflies fluttered around in your stomach at his new endearing term for you. You dug your face into his chest and sighed contentedly. He was always able to ground you like no one else in your life has— with the exception of Kuni.

“What would you like to do?” He asked, slipping his hand under your tank top and rubbing circles into your side.

It was silent for a moment as you took the time to think it over. What could you do? No matter what, people were going to hate on you. It was inevitable.

But you could combat the nasty comments claiming your relationship was weird. You took a deep breath and pulled away from him to reach for your phone.

“I have an idea.”

prev. | next | masterlist

NOTES: IGNORE MY INCORRECT GRAMMAR IN THE FIRST SS IM SO SORRY I SWEAR I HAVE GOOD GRAMMAR 😔🙏 also haha shoutout to everyone else who has daddy issues, cause same.

SUMMARY: when your acting career booms, the stress of the spotlight and your every move being watched starts to drown you whole. the only escape from a complete all time low comes in the form of your attractive coworker, zhongli— a distinguished and slightly older man that you can't seem to stop thinking about.

TAGLIST — open @theprinceofkhaos @bella-sams @yourfavoritefreakyhan @shadowheads-shitshow @obervation-subject-753 @kaitfae @wonderland-fan @abundanceofcloves

[was-andi-rigby]

Alright, y'all. Poll time. Synopses of your choices are under the cut, if you want them. I can't decide between my upcoming original stories (I'm gonna write them all eventually), so I'm inviting y'all to choose for me.

On a related note, if I hit 15 followers before this poll expires, I'll do a follower lottery and the lottery winner will get to name a character in the winning story! (More details on that also under the cut.)

Synopses

Adventures in the Gaywild, a queer contemporary portal fantasy with an ensemble cast of queer & disabled adults just trying to live their lives, but who have said lives interrupted regularly by their hometown’s proximity to the fey realm. Beronsgate is a cute little coastal town with a major problem: sometimes the door you open doesn’t lead where you wanted it to. Monster-of-the-week episodic sitcom installments with an overarching denial-of-destiny arc. (If this wins, the "winning story" will be the first installment of the series.)

The Death of Santa, a sapphic Christmas adventure with a transgender Mrs. Claus who’s unhappy in her role as the token female holiday persona, and escapes the North Pole only to find herself in a strange land of eternal winter. Kristina takes shelter in a fortress built over a gate, and finds deadly traps, warped Christmas monsters, and the woman she married 900 years ago. Transgender themes, trans joy/power, and mistaken identity feature heavily in this high-action novelette that tries not to take itself or Christmas too seriously.

Liberty, a gay cowboy friends-to-lovers between a cattle baron’s heir and a gifted horse trainer. Aaron and James have kept their romance a secret for almost a year. When Aaron’s mother makes a big stink about him turning down yet another farm princess, he’s got a tough choice to make: follow the herd, or follow his heart. Forget coming-of-age—let’s talk coming-out, love and support from unexpected avenues, and being true to yourself.

Double Tide, a seaside low fantasy adventure about a dockworker and the inquisitive merrow they met in the local tidepools, who become fast friends despite language barriers and local taboo. When a new fishing technique threatens the local merrow population, they discover whether a lone dockworker and a social pariah can really make a difference. Try this gender-agnostic, hopeful Romeo and Juliet (without the tragedy) that explores the meaning of love and friendship.

The Siege of Helen, an exploration of neurodivergence and (mis)communication in a romantic relationship. Helen’s new pregnancy has made her mood a thousand times more volatile, and her husband is spending more and more time at the office. Hephaestus, already overstimulated and dysregulated from trying to provide for his now-growing family, realizes in the nick of time that there’s only one way not to lose the woman he loves: he’s going to have to talk to her. About his feelings. Short story companion to my novel-in-progress, By Any Other Name, following Ambrose’s parents as they try desperately to keep their marriage from falling to pieces.

The Library, a heartwarming zombie survivor tale about a weary now-single dad and his last remaining foster teen who fight to preserve the ruins of a great library against those who would destroy it for their own short-term survival. Take refuge in the Charles J. LaRose Memorial Library, and let Kaylen tell you about the time they fought off zombies and men with guns to make a safe place for travelers like you to rest and recuperate in the desolate hellscape of the zombie apocalypse.

Lottery Info

Lottery will happen if the total follower count (less myself) on this blog reaches 15 before the poll in this post expires. I'll choose via random selection & contact the winner via Tumblr to confirm you want to participate. If you don't, or I can't contact you via Tumblr because your messages are closed, or if I don't get a response to my initial message within ~24 hours, then I'll choose a different winner by the same process. And so on until someone bites.

Lottery winner will receive a short bio of the relevant aspects of their character (appearance, mannerisms, and plot role), and the name they choose will be used for the described character. I will not accept names that are offensive or that would be considered offensive in the context of the story or character, and I retain the right to ask the winner for a different name if the chosen name is, for some reason, really really not going to work in the context of the story.

[haveyouseenthisskeleton]

How did the sanses react when they were introduced to their little brothers? How long did it take for them to get along?

Undertale Sans/Horrortale Sans - Love at first sight honestly. Sans was very responsible from the very beginning and took his big brother's job very seriously! They didn't argue that much growing up, except when it's obvious Papyrus developed separation anxiety growing up and Sans grew more independent, which sometimes made Sans upset because he felt like he couldn't have some time alone. Since they had to leave in the streets early, they grew close to each other very quickly. It became difficult when Sans started to hide more and more things to Papyrus in the early stages of his depression, trying to convince himself he didn't need help with anything and that he was a burden to his brother. Papyrus kinda mimicked him, and that creates a little hole in their relationship that they are trying to fix on the Surface.

Underswap Sans - It took some adjustment as Blue was already very energetic as a kid. And Honey... was not lol. Honey is one of those kids who don't do things before they are forced to. So he talked late, he walked late, he did pretty much everything late. He also got very overwhelmed by his brother growing up because Blue just wanted to play and run, and Honey sit in a corner to read a book basically. They got closer when their parents disappeared, as Honey could only rely on his brother. That's also when Blue became more responsible and calmed down a bit so he wouldn't lose his brother, whom the Royal Guard said couldn't live outside for much longer and threatened to take away.

Underfell Sans - He never wanted a brother in the first place and he made Edge pay for it for a big part of his childhood lol. When he realized he actually care, it was a bit too late as Edge grew up with resentment for all this time his brother ignored him, and then Edge made him pay for his childhood during his teenagehood lol. They only got closer when Edge became a royal guard, the day Edge realized his position could kill his brother. And it's getting better and better, even though they're still arguing and fighting a lot.

Swapfell Sans - They were pretty close growing up, as Nox became an orphan at only five years old when his brother was still a baby. Nox raised him all by himself and without any help. It became complicated when Nox became a royal guard though, as Rus hated the guard and authority in general, as he grew learning they were bad and could kill him if they caught him stealing. Rus felt Nox was betraying him by joining them, when the young skeleton got completely brainwashed by some rebels that convinced him the guard needed to disappear. It became so bad to the point Rus wanted nothing to do with his brother anymore and for a good while. It's actually after Chara that they tried to make it work again. They're close again, but sometimes they still feel like they are strangers to each other.

Fellswap Gold Sans - Wine lost his mom and dad in a carnage, as they were royal guards. He managed to escape with his little brother but was traumatized, and that's basically why he became a royal guard next, to make sure it never happens again. Obviously, he grew really close to his brother whom he tried to protect from that horrible world with all he had. When added to that, it started to be obvious that Coffee was neurodivergent, he did all he could so Coffee could grow up in good conditions, without worrying about all the things that could hurt him. That made the brothers inseparable, but at the cost of Coffee realizing growing up that his brother is smothering him. They are still close, but Coffee, now an adult, tries to put some space between them, for his own good and for Wine's good, as their relationship grew more and more toxic. Coffee convinced Wine to see a therapist about it, but... There's still a lot of work to do. But they're moving on slowly!

[tallysgreatestfan-art]

Disabled4Disabled ships spotlight for Disability Pride Month: Tally Youngblood and Shay from Scott Westerfelds Uglies Series.

As much as I love them and as much as their stories helped me accept my own neurodivergence, I was hesitant to include them here and can only recommend Uglies with a huge caveat.

First reason: Unlike the other ships I include in this, Tally/Shay is not canon, it is just the relationship the series focuses on the most and has a fairly strong subtext.

Second reason: While the way the series portrays both Tally and Shays increasingly intense, for the lack of better words, general neurodiversity, and especially Tallys choice at the end, was groundbreaking for this time period and is even now much braver than what most novels would do – the way the series portrays their self-harming and Tallys and her boyfriend Zanes eating disorders is not good to say it friendly.

I don’t think the whole series is irredeemable, because everything else about it is just so good, but it is something you have to be aware of going in.

The issue lies not so much in the characters glorifying both as ways to escape their dystopian brainwashing, dystopias are famous for unreliable narrators, but that the disconnect between them doing this and the narrative and the author knowing that this is not a healthy way to deal with this is not better established.

It is also described not just fairly explicit, but also in a way that made readers who actually dealt with these issues feel alienated, since the self-harm is first described in a fairly antagonistic cult-like clique, and Tally and Zanes clique amicably mock them for loosing weight and becoming bony and haggard.

Why was this still so healing for me as a queer autistic woman with bipolar disorder?

Close to every book says that being different is okay and you should not conform to societal ideals. Uglies actually shows how insidious societal expectations are, how you still believe them even when they harm you, and how much it hurts to be lonely and different. With Uglies, you can believe it when it says being different (neurodivergent, queer) is okay, because it feels like it understands how hard it is.

In the first book, their neurodivergence is only hinted at, if anything. Tally doesn’t has many friends and all of them already were made into the older societal caste aka Pretties. She is lonely, and she desperately wants to be like them too, normal, how she should be. She meets Shay, who doesn’t fit in either, but takes the opposite route, rebelling against the system and being just so angry. It feels like the two extremes neurodivergent people can deal with their differences.

Their friendship made me feel so seen. It was deep and close, but also so jealous and it becomes increasingly more toxic and complex, as their dystopian system pushes them against each other again and again. It felt like all these messed up, failed female friendships I had. Even with how homoerotic it is, but both of them are too trapped in their other relationships and their past to ever act on it.

In the second book, without spoilering too much, their neurodivergent behaviors become so much more clear and also self-destructive due to the golden-cage like environment they find themselves in.

And in the third book, it is explicitly mentioned that the way their brains work is very different from the norm in a mental illness way. Even if, spoilers for the rest of this paragraph, their neurodivergence is artificially altered to make them more effective (read: self-destructive) super soldiers. As their allies come up with a way to undo this, Shay choses to do it. But Tally refuses. This blew my mind as a teen. That you could actually see your neurodivergence as a part of yourself. Even if it’s seen as bad, or destructive, or inconvenient for yourself and others.

There also is a third disabled character, Tallys boyfriend Zane, who already from the first time we meet him has an eating disorder, and also later acquires brain damage that causes him problems with motor skills. Tally at this point is horrible ableist to him about the physical disability, being programmed to by her dystopian society, but both her and the narrative also very firmly know that this is bigoted and something she needs to overcome. It is uncomfortable and harrowing and tragic to watch, but IMO it is respectful even if the characters are not.

Ultimately, it depends on what you search for if this would be a good read for you. Are you searching for accurate, healing self-harm and eating disorder representation? Then this is absolutely the wrong book. Are you searching for a touching, thought-provoking story about beauty culture, societal pressure and human nature, told through the toxic friendship between two teenage girls in a dystopian society? Then I can only recommend it.

A movie of the first book will come out 13.September this year on Netflix, hope it’s as good as the book. Sadly, in the book racially ambiguous Tally is white in it though, but Shay stays a WOC.

[adventuringblind]

i loved your neurodivergent x oscar sm and i think it’s so cute. i love the way both their dynamics work with each other and it’s relatability!!

i was wondering if you could do more fics based on them in like different situations and how they both would care for each other in their own ways??

maybe you could make a fic based around the early stages of their relationship? i can imagine it being like really cute and both of them having to adapt to some of each others habits that they weren’t used to before, etc, and them both just being really caring and overall adorable towards each other!

i hope you’re having a lovely day btw!

Patterns of You

Oscar Piastrix Autistic!reader

Genre: fluff

Request: yep! I'm open for any ideas y'all have. I've been having fun with the autistic reader, so if you have anything specific in mind, please let me know!

Summary: You and Oscar adapt to eachothers way of living

Warnings: none :)

Notes: written in second person

Masterlist

You and Oscar hit it off

However, it still takes some getting used too for the both of you

Oscar likes trying different foods

You like sticking to the same foods

It took him awhile to learn your preference

He even made a list of things you specifically disliked and hung it on the fridge

He was aware you physically couldn't handle certain things

So he tried his hardest to make things that you both liked or could he made to one's specific preferences

Once he asked you to come with him to a barbecue at a friend's house

The party itself was chill

But the food options made you want to cry

You tired to be polite and eat a little but but you just ended up excusing yourself to the bathroom and gagging

Oscar was well aware of what was happening

He made sure you didn't feel the need to force yourself to eat something you couldn't

When he took you home that night, he purchased your favorite safe food and made it for you

He knew you needed food, and after the stress of everything at the barbecue, he figured your safe food might help to ease your senses

One thing he was not prepared for was the first time you had a meltdown

You'd told him exactly what happens and how you need to calm yourself down so that he wasn't clueless

It didn't stop him from being worried though

When you showed up with Oscar at the paddock for the first time, the journalists were all over you

They were loud, in your face, and in your personal space

It got overwhelming too quick

Your hands immediately cover your ears, and your breathing gets rapid

The worst part is that they follow you

Obviously, they didn't get that you didn't feel like talking to them

Oscar could actively feel your body shutting down

Tears escaping your eyes faster then you could wipe them away

He led you all the way to his driver room without stopping

Immediately, he watched you find the floor and curl into yourself

Oscar just stands guard and makes sure you don't need anything as you attempt to self-soothe

When you feel better, he lets you hold him or be held in whatever way you need

He started to adapt after that

He became Spiderman

It didn't matter where you were, if he was within five minutes of you, he knew if you felt overwhelmed or not

When you moved in with him, he made sure to give you a safe space

Somewhere that other people couldn't go and bother you if you needed time to yourself

Somtimes Oscar himself was your safe space

If you couldn't get away from the environment, he would envelope you in his arms

Letting you bury your face in his chest and breathe in his scent

It wasn't the best way of letting you calm down, but it worked in emergency situations when he couldn't get you out of there

Routine became the most popular shared thing between you two

You both had schedules and stuck to them

He noticed your mini routines inside of your schedule

You would always use the same good morning greeting, so he started using it too

It made you smile when the comforting words fell from his mouth

You always made the bed a specific way, so he memorized how so he could do it also

Vocal tones were the hardest thing for you to learn

Your parents deemed that the way you speak most the time had an ability to sound angry and sassy

This, in turn, made you over explain everything you said because you feared it would get you in trouble

Oscar could not understand for the life of him why one sentence became a three paragraph explanation

He eventually just started listening for keywords you used to get different tones across

When you asked questions about how he was meaning things, he didn't get it at first

When he was talking about work drama, he saw the pure look of confusion on your face

You were trying to decide if he was upset or just gossiping but had yet to figure it out

He understood after that

Needless to say you two eventually found your groove

Communication about communication became a vital point of success in your relationship

Oscar didn't mind having to adapt to something new

He loves you and is willing figure things out

Plus, the patterns you have make you more you

[batman-dc-imagines]

BTAS Mad Hatter and Riddler with a neurodivergent gender-neutral s/o that gets overstimulated easily, whether it be they feel like they’re being undermined because someone is assuming they’re not as smart as they actually are, or they’re in a situation they aren’t familiar with, or even if they’re shoes are too big they’re 👌 this close to freaking out. If anxiety was a person basically lmao. (Love your writing btw!!! Hope you have a nice day/night!!!)

BTAS!Mad Hatter

Relation: Romantic 

Jervis does everything in his power to keep you from over stimulating yourself to death.

He’ll make you different kinds of tea that will calm your nerves like chamomile, mint, rose, etc.

If you don’t like tea, he’ll go out and get whatever drink you like along with snacks.

The minute he notices someone is talking down to you, he immediately steps in, putting them under his control and allowing you to get payback on them.

If you ever start showing signs of a panic attack during any situation, he’s right by your side putting his trenchcoat over you while rubbing your back until your breathing evens out.

Overall he tries his best to be steps ahead of your panic attacks and over stimulated moments because he wants you to be okay.

He doesn’t want you to be living in constant anxiety with him around.

BTAS!Riddler

Relation: Romantic

I will say at the beginning of your relationship when Ed witnessed your first outburst or panic attack, you scared the shit out of him.

He starts asking what’s wrong and such and depending on the answer you give him, if you do give him one, he does anything in his power to help.

I'm talking weighted blankets, and a whole new bedroom for you to just escape to when things get over stimulating. 

Like Jervis, he is immediately between you and whoever is talking down to you or overall bothering you.

If you’re ever out in public and you start having a panic attack or start showing signs of over stimulation, he’ll be the first to notice and gently take you away to somewhere that is isolated and quiet.

He’ll cater to your every need.

[avpdvoidspace]

I have a video game playthrough I like to rewatch sometimes, but there's a part that really frustrates me. I don't want to personally criticize the people playing it, but their conversation gets to a point where they're like

I feel like this game teaches empathy

I wonder what would happen if you make murderers in prison play this, if they would develop empathy It's frustrating because it points to a lack of understanding of why most murder actually happens.

a lack of empathy doesn't make you violent or want to kill people. most people have material reasons to murder. Even if we agree that murder isn't a solution to jealousy, desperation, being slighted, whatever, those are clear motivations as to why murders happen. I don't think it's pathology or lack of empathy that causes most people to cross that line.

Some murders that seem senseless and have no obvious motivation beyond hatred are done by people who have been indoctrinated into sexist, racist, ableist, homophobic, or transphobic hatred. I think there's a big difference between pathologically lacking empathy and being raised to see yourself and people like you as human and an othered group as not human. And then you have to account for people in prison for murder who were actually trying to defend themselves or escape an abusive situation. Murder is uncommon. Most people in prison are not murderers. I think 'murderer' is kind of a strawman scare tactic to manufacture consent for mass incarceration, because people imagine that prisons are just busting at the seams with them. On the other hand, neurodivergence that comes with varying degrees of low empathy isn't all that uncommon. The vast majority of us don't make the choice to be violent towards other people. And it is a choice, not a symptom of mental illness or neurodivergence. This is a long post to say that the push to associate low empathy and mental illness with violence and murder is a distraction from the actual material conditions that make violence as common as it is and to distract from things we could do to mitigate it... and the stigma placed on neurodivergent and mentally ill people makes us collatoral damage.