#there is a very particular way I insisted on hurting my own feelings by thinking about this which I will soon inflict on all of you

[solarmorrigan]

aaaaaaaaaaand Bob adopts Steve!! 💕

Hm. This one is a little tough to describe without giving the entire thing away, because it's really more like a couple of stream-of-consciousness posts and an attached mini fic?

But a little while ago, I read a fic on Ao3 where, in the midst of S2, Bob clocks that Steve needs a hug and gives him one (Not on your own anymore by TargetForce, very sweet), and the idea got stuck in my head - what if Steve gets to meet Bob even earlier than that? Right around the end of S1, maybe?

I was mostly spitballing at a friend at that point, so I was thinking what if maybe Steve and/or his friends damaged some of Bob's property, so Bob became part of Steve's apology tour, and Bob took one look at this beat-up kid and went "Oh jeez" and took him inside for a glass of water and, like, an actual ice pack, maybe. Steve offers to help fix whatever was damaged and decides he actually kind of likes hanging around Bob

Sure, he's lame, but in a really solid, kind way that Steve didn't realize he needed

So Steve keeps coming around, offering to help with whatever--because, y'know, he's got some free time, or whatever, don't read into it--and Bob sort of adopts him because - I mean, come on. Kid's obviously starved for positive attention, how's he supposed to say no to that? Besides, Steve's a good listener and a good helper, and Bob likes him

THE THING IS, the reason I got so hung up on the idea is that I didn't imagine the events of S2 really changing. So Steve, like Joyce, gets Bob - he just doesn't get to keep him

(So it's definitely a hurt no comfort thing, unless maybe you stop reading after the first installment...)

[topazadine]

Avoiding therapy speak in writing

I think we all know by now that therapy speak is irritating and unrealistic, especially if you are writing in a fantasy world that doesn't even have modern psychology.

Part of the reason that it is so annoying is that it is the definition of telling instead of showing: characters are just plainly informing us of their feelings rather than making us work for a better understanding. It's cheap and boring. Instead of making your characters seem like complex individuals with their own hangups and difficulties, they seem like plot points programmed to tell us things.

But obviously, you want to put these people in situations and have them talk about it! How do you do that without sounding maudlin? Here are some options.

Listen to real arguments/conversations

I cannot stress enough how important it is to listen to how actual real human beings talk to each other during heightened emotional states. They don't have to be nasty abusers, and they don't have to be perfect angels, just everyday people doing their normal thing.

Of course, I'd hope you're not seeing people argue all the time, but if you do happen to see it, listen carefully and notice how people actually address their problems. Think back to tough conversations that you have had, even if you wouldn't classify them as arguments. Consider how people acted and reacted to one another. Notice how normal humans talk about issues outside of therapy, even intelligent and emotionally evolved people.

I've had years of therapy, and even I do not talk in therapy ways about my issues when I'm talking to my family or friends. It just feels cheesy and fake outside of that particular setting - plus, it freaks other people out and can seem kind of manipulative. Try talking like that in a real conversation and see how uncomfortable it is. You'll understand why avoiding therapy speak is important.

Consider the character's own hangups

Just as everyone has their own unique speaking style and mindset, so do we all have our own argument styles. These are often informed by our pasts and upbringing; they are as varied as our own histories. However, there are a few different options.

Someone with a happy upbringing may be more assertive and willing to address their problems because they had that demonstrated to them as children.

A spoiled child will grow up to be a demanding adult who refuses to give any quarter.

Those who got yelled at a lot as children may shut down and fawn to avoid getting hurt.

Someone who grew up in a violent household may mimic that behavior and get incredibly aggressive when upset.

Individuals whose parents didn't teach them emotional regulation will lash out and get loud.

Manipulative people may stay very calm and gaslight the other person, or they may get hysterical to garner sympathy and make people focus on comforting them.

Someone who has gone to therapy may revert to their original argument style, or they may imperfectly apply what they have learned in a way that feels a bit unnatural. They may start out with rage, then force themselves to calm down through grounding techniques.

People who have been coached through previous emotional outbursts could demand a time out, then fail to actually calm themselves down.

Some may refuse to acknowledge they are upset and insist, in increasingly forceful terms, that they are fine.

Others may get quiet or crack a joke to ease the tension, but it doesn't really help.

Keep each confrontation short

IRL, emotional confrontations are generally not that long. They don't go on for hours and hours, though it can feel that way. No one is going on and on about their feelings and sharing every little detail of how they feel (at least not that I know of personally, maybe other people are different).

Even the worst arguments I have had, the real nexus of the argument was maybe an hour or two, though the fallout lasted much longer. I'd say there was an hour maximum of real, active confrontation, preceded or followed by hours/days/weeks of simmering frustration.

Why? Because arguments are exhausting. You don't have the energy for that in the heat of the moment. Yes, feuds and fights can last years, but each actual confrontation is short.

For longer, more serious issues, hash it out over a few sessions rather than all at once. It's rare to get everything out of the way immediately unless the characters already have a strong, loving relationship.

Show incongruencies

Especially for more reserved people, they will likely have their emotions leaking all over the place but won't actually say anything. As such, focus on body language while keeping the conversation more focused on the plot. For example, Character A might be crying but still trying to argue their point about whatever is going on.

Address physical complaints instead of emotional ones

In many cases, people will use "I'm tired" or "I didn't sleep well" or "I'm not feeling great" as shorthand for whatever is actually bothering them. It relieves pressure by not making them talk about upsetting matters while still addressing their discomfort in some form.

You should also consider the fact that some people can't connect physical sensations to feelings, so they may genuinely feel ill and not really understand why. This is especially common in people who can't emotionally regulate or have been through trauma.

For myself, I tend to somatize my feelings, so I might not feel upset, but I will feel physically sick. My stomach will hurt, my chest will get tight, or I'll get a headache, but my emotional state will seem calm. This isn't all that unusual, and many people experience this to different degrees.

As such, you can have your character say that their stomach hurts, or that they have a headache and can't discuss this anymore, or that they need to go lie down because they're dizzy. If we know they're relatively healthy, this can be a clue that they're getting overwhelmed but either cannot pinpoint their emotions or don't want to discuss them.

Let characters advance and retreat

A lot of the time, someone will address a scary emotion and then retreat again, sometimes over a period of hours, days, or even weeks. This is normal: most of us don't have the emotional fortitude to forge ahead through something difficult all in one go. Character A may say something vulnerable, then change the topic, laugh it off, say they're done discussing it, or even leave the situation.

Leave emotions partially unaddressed

Again, it's rare for someone to spill out everything they're feeling all in one go. As such, have Character A address the most important thing - or the least important, depending on their level of emotional maturity - and let it be done for then.

They might say their small piece, but when someone tries to probe deeper, they don't have an answer, or they get "stuck" on that one emotional level and cannot go further.

If Character B keeps pushing, then they may get incredibly upset and push back, or retreat.

Have Character B point out the feelings

Works especially well if the other character is a close companion or a parental figure. Often, people who know us really well will have better insight into our emotions than we do. Or, we might have good insight into our emotions but are still too afraid to open up. Having Character B point out the issue gives Character A grace to be more honest.

I can't tell you how many times I've been really upset, so I've distracted from the issue by getting angry about something completely different. Then, my mom will gently point out that I'm not actually crying about my new plastic cup being broken or whatever; I'm actually upset about XYZ. In that moment, I realize I've been caught out and admit that yes, that's what I'm really upset about.

Have Character A address it with a third character

Who among us hasn't gone to someone else to talk about our feelings? Having a third party serve as a sounding board is normal. Sometimes, Character A will feel such catharsis from this conversation that they don't address it as thoroughly with Character B.

Of course, you can use this to your advantage and create more tension if the third character gives bad advice or is biased.

Remember that just because the third party responded well does not mean that Character B does. You also have to avoid omniscience and remember that Character B wasn't privy to that conversation.

Have one confrontation be a stand-in for a larger one

I always think about the "The Iranian Yogurt Is Not the Issue" post when I think about this. Often times, things like not doing the dishes or whatever aren't actually the big deal: it's lack of boundaries, communication, or respect. A minor argument can be shorthand for a larger one that is too challenging for the characters to tackle.

This isn't just creating drama for the hell of it, though; it's about exploring the larger issues without making the characters lay it out on the table. A good reader will be able to see it's not about the Iranian Yogurt as long as you set up the relationship well.

Currently, I am writing a story where Uileac and his sister Cerie go to rescue Uileac's husband, Orrinir. On the way there, Uileac idly comments on how he wonders where a waterfall comes from because he's trying to distract himself from thinking about the fact that his husband is kidnapped and possibly dead.

Cerie, being pretty wound up too, starts arguing with him about it because she's like "why is this relevant? We're kind of too busy to think about geology right now!" Uileac gets annoyed at her for being so aggro, and she gets annoyed at him for being so irreverent. Both of them are upset about something completely different, but they're too scared and panicked to actually address that, so they release their frustrations by complaining about waterfalls.

Those bad vibes have to go somewhere, but neither of them are very good at talking about their feelings (though very good at stuffing them down). As such, they take the pressure off by sniping at one another. You've probably done this too, when you get into a dumb argument about something absolutely pointless because there's something you don't feel strong enough to discuss.

There's also the fact that if you're mad at someone about something but feel it's too stupid or petty to discuss, that frustration will leak out and everything else they do will annoy you, leading to a bunch of irrelevant arguments.

Use "reaffirmation" gestures

I talked about this in a different post, but after an argument, the "make up" stage doesn't always involve going "ohhh I forgive you" and big hugs and kisses, especially when the two characters aren't emotionally mature.

Instead, Character A makes gestures that reaffirm the relationship. This could be offering to do something Character B needs, making plans for later, or changing the topic to discuss something the other character cares about ("how are your cats doing?") etc.

Note that these "reaffirmation" gestures aren't the same as the cycle of abuse. This is more when two characters have had a difficult emotional conversation but aren't really sure how to continue being emotionally open, so they revert to something safer that still shows they care. They're not over-the-top gestures either, but more a special attention to something the other person loves. Knowing what the other person loves also demonstrates the depth of their relationship.

As always, I can't tell you what to do with your writing.

You are the crafter of your own story, and if you want people to talk like therapists for whatever reason, that's your choice. However, we want characters to feel like real people, and most real people don't lay it all out on the table every single time they're upset. If they do, they might be trauma vomiting, which is icky in and of itself.

Healthy communication isn't always perfect communication. People can have strong, loving relationships and still get things wrong - we're human. Having people calmly and rationally and easily talk about their feelings every single time is not only kind of boring, but it also feels weird, because unless we're primed to discuss those difficult topics and know we're perfectly safe, we're not going to do that.

People don't even do that in therapy, where they are paying for the service of talking about their feelings! Therapists also don't always do that IRL!

We're humans, and your characters need to feel like humans as well. That means letting them be imperfect communicators and using context clues rather than making them do all the work for the reader.

If you liked my advice, consider purchasing my book, 9 Years Yearning, for $3!

[illmoraineakoi]

Oh I just had a nasty AU idea.

AvA4, but Alan uses Avast to stop Orange. The scan is interrupted when Orange goes to the phone, but it detects him after he returns to the computer. He’s captured.

And enslaved. As a pop up blocker.

Just like Chosen was.

He’s horrified, at first, when he’s first brought out of the chest and sees the ball and chain on his leg. He tries to free himself, trying everything he can think of for weeks. Nothing works. So he looses hope, and gives up, performing his “purpose” as best he can to avoid the punishments (both from the Animator and Avast itself.) Orange becomes very quiet and reserved, and very depressed, a shadow of the person he was meant to be.

(Orange’s powers are revealed very early, here, because Avast unlocks them a little bit and forces him to use them to destroy the pop ups. Orange hadn’t known he had them until the first pop up appears and Avast takes control, making him destroy it. Afterwards, he spends a lot of time dwelling on ‘what if I had used my powers to protect my friends? Would they still be alive then…?’)

And he’s stuck like that. Until the Virabot incident. Until Chosen arrives.

When Chosen sees Orange, with a shackle around his ankle, he is ENRAGED.

He’d escaped his own enslavement, only for his Creator to turn around and make another stick to enslave and torment. Make a replacement. The destruction of his computer had done nothing to deter Noogai from making and hurting stick figures.

Worse, Chosen hadn’t even known.

The guilt makes Chosen feel awful. He considers it a personal failure, blames himself for not even considering that Noogai might make another stick to replace him. He feels like he should have, because he saw how nonchalant Noogai was with making new sticks with Dark.

Despite the fact that he just saved the computer from the Virabot, Chosen flies into a rage and starts raining destruction upon the computer. He is easily able to lay waste to literally everything, while Noogai is helpless to do anything. Or perhaps Alan tries shutting down the computer to restore his cursor and start menu. Maybe he also tries using Avast again, something that pisses Chosen off even more. Chosen takes particular satisfaction in ripping Avast to shreds.

Or maybe Avast forces Orange to attack and fight Chosen. And Orange, for the first time in a long while, resists. Fights back against the program’s control. It’s a struggle. He desperately begs Chosen to help him, insists he doesn’t want to do what Avast is forcing him to do, apologizes whenever he looses control. The sight hurts Chosen’s heart, and he redoubles his efforts to destroy Avast and free Orange.

He’s eventually successful, and he gets Orange out via the internet connection. And then he destroys the computer again, sending Noogai a nasty message: “If you create more stick figures, I will find a way to end your existence permanently. You have been warned.”

Chosen leaves, returning to the Outernet to deal with Dark. A fight that goes down much quicker and easier, since Orange has access to his powers and is very quick to help the stick who just saved him. Or perhaps the two of them together manage to back Dark into a corner where he’s forced to surrender to save his skin.

Regardless of if Dark is killed, Chosen takes in Orange, and is the one to slowly rehabilitate him. To introduce him to life on the Outernet, to teach him how to live like he himself had to once figure out. It’s painful, seeing so many of his own issues mirrored in his younger brother. It’s clear the enslavement has deeply affected him, just as it had Chosen.

Chosen is horrified when he learns just how long Orange was there. Four years. Not as long as his own, but that was still over half the duration he and Dark had been living in the Outernet. Such a long time for Chosen to have been completely oblivious to his existence.

He is also upset when Orange tells him Noogai deleted his friends.

Orange, for his part, is never quite able to let go and move on from Alan’s abuse. Bitter resentment boils in the depths of his heart, a desire to hurt him for killing his friends that never goes away. A part of him secretly approves of the Virabot that had been sent to the Animator in vengeance, despite knowing of the greater danger the virus posed to the greater internet. He wants vengeance, and it’s not long before the desire completely takes over his life. It becomes the only thing he can focus on, the only thing he cares about.

He doesn’t tell Chosen. It’s clear to him that Chosen would not approve of him starting a quest for vengeance. And he’s right, because they have an argument when Chosen discovers his feelings.

But Orange thinks that Chosen doesn’t understand, because Chosen never had friends that were killed. Chosen never experienced the updated enslavement features of Avast. Chosen didn’t understand that it wasn’t so easy for Orange to just get over it.

But Orange finds someone who does understand. Someone who’s desire for making the Animator pay aligns so very neatly with his own. Someone who welcomes him to join him with open arms and a sharp smile.

Chosen may be content to just move on and forget, but Orange and Victim are very much not.

[A fact made even more bittersweet because the Fighting Sticks aren’t dead. They respawned on their webpage immediately after being deleted. They waited for Orange to come back, but he never did. So they decided to leave, to go look for him. They’ve been searching for him for years, never giving up hope that he’s still out there, somewhere. They aren’t aware that the happy bright-eyed stick full of curiosity and life that they met that day doesn’t exist anymore. He’s become something that they would hardly recognize.]

Just…Villain Orange. Delicious.

[sockatoothewafflebird]

over and over, i fuck myself over, and under and under, i do it again.

morning and evening, i felt i was grieving, until i said fuck you, and never again.

daytime or nighttime, i feel i'm on my time, but time is fickle, just like a friend.

and with my departure, from the pain i harbor, i feel i am sinking, and sailing to swim...

--

I'm worried about Ragatha.

She'd definitely be better off not looking at mirrors for a while. Even more so if she stopped reciting random depressing songs to her ceiling, for no other reason than to dig a deeper hole, to sink further down. I can hear her singing to herself every night, the same songs she plays on all her instruments. What a beautiful voice. How beautifully she plays. But, it's always so sad.

She keeps falling. Faster. Further. Her screams can't be heard anymore. And yet she never falters. How many miles - and what kind - of shit has she been through, to think this is okay? How long did it go on for, for her to think it's normal?

It's not healthy.

But she doesn't mind. Somehow. She'd break her own arms herself if it meant Zooble would stop losing their temper at her, if it meant Jax would stop terrorizing Gangle, if it meant Kinger could just remember the little things.

She's such a wonderful person. Amazing. An unstoppable ray of sunshine for anyone willing to look at her. She's the kindest person I've ever met. Even behind all that fog, she cares, maybe more than anyone. It's so sweet.

It's so easy to see she's hurting though. She hurts so much sometimes I can see her hide her tears, I can tell she deflects all the time.

If only she knew she didn't have to hide. If only she saw it. If only she knew she's more than a toy.

If only I could get through to her.

I guess I should've listened when Kaufmo said to never fall for a girl with baggage. Seeing her like this just hurts.

I hope she can figure it out. I try so hard to make sure she's doing alright, and she always insists I don't have to worry. And I can never hide how much it devastates me that she thinks I'd drop the subject so quickly, and just act like I don't care. I do care. I care so much I think i'll fucking die if she doesn't start seeing through my eyes once in a while.

God. This is the longest entry i've ever written. My hand hurts.

Goodnight, I guess. Here's to hoping.

---

my plan when i find a character i like (in no particular order):

this is how i feel about ragatha. in case you didn't notice. i love her as a character so much i just wanna put her under a damn microscope. the influence has influenced me and now i share the obsession with ragatha that mod bee from @ask-the-rag-dolly has been afflicted with.

pomni is such an observant character. and caring. and overall very smart. she can't pretend she doesn't notice all of ragatha's little lies and slip-ups.. and it eats away at her, knowing she can't do anything, knowing ragatha can't and won't accept help right now. ragatha needs to come to terms with it on her own. a therapist is what ragatha needs.

but in a video game? and in my au, in the middle of a broken world full of corporate greed and the cold, unforgiving whims of mother nature? if she found a therapist in either, it would be considered a once in a lifetime historical discovery. the school textbooks would have a chapter on it.

either way, something's up in the darkest depths of that cotton-filled brain of hers, and she's just built to think it doesn't matter. she's built to make sure everything stays nice and positive and okay. when we ALL see it's not. goddamnit ragatha i will make an oc that is a licensed therapist just so you can stop being such a sad wet dog and start practicing the art of self-partially-enjoy oh my god you sweet little door hinge

(song lyrics at the beginning are from over & over by rio romeo btw, theyre very cool pls check them out)

[velvetvexations]

I feel like a lot of the trans women saying that masculinity/manhood is always rewarded in everyone because patriarchy often forget that the opposite is true, actually, for people who are seen as women/put in the "woman" category.

Because yes, trans women are usually forced into manhood and "rewarded" for being men, and punished for being women. But that's not because manhood is universally rewarded in everyone, but because partriarchy sees having been born with a penis as "man".

It also sees being born with a vagina as "woman", and every deviation from that is *also* punished.

Yes, people who are seen as women/girls may have more freedom in expression of gender (depending on where they are from. I hate when ppl act like people afab everywhere can just dress like men without punishment. There are so many countries with laws on what "women" (and those treated as women because of their agab) can wear, and if anyone believes for one second that breaking these laws is REWARDED in any way, they're so fucking deep in their own head and need to talk to someone from these countries) but that freedom was fought for by feminists! Feminists have fought to be simply just allowed to wear pants. It's ridiculous to look at how it is now (in the western world) and make conclusions on that without looking at *why* it is that way now and how it was before.

And people are usually expected to grow out of their tomboy-"phase" by the time they reach their late teens, or early twenties at latest, and become a feminine woman, wife, and mother. If you don't do that, your masculinity gets punished.

And the masculinity of people afab is also only (begrudgingly) accepted (in SOME places in the world) as long as they're still visible as women or girls and their masculinity is hot and serves cishet men. As soon as they step "too far" out of these roles (by being non-binary or men, or being "ugly", fat, or anything that would make them "undesirable"), their masculinity gets punished. Horribly.

It's really infuriating when (trans)radfem trans women try to act like their experiences are universal and whenever someone says something that disagrees with them, they must be lying or "delusional" (yay, ableism! so progressive /s) for thinking that they were, in fact, punished for their masculinity or manhood...

Sorry for unloading this on you, didn't know where else to put it. And thank you so much for listening.

I think a major issue here is that no matter how much we try to reason things out and work through why they act the way they do, radical feminism, trans or cis, ultimately comes down, at some point, to a deliberate decision to prioritize egocentrism and their own desires over seeing other people as real, actual people - not even other transfems, who they just sexualize and try to control, or call a TERF if they can't. And it's hard to reason with that.

Like, they have to know on some level that they hyperinflate trans women in particular being "socially murdered"* to use as social capital and terrorize younger** transfems into isolating themselves. Maybe a very long time ago for some of them it came from the distress they felt from the legitimately immense danger transfems face in a variety of contexts, but they've shot far beyond that now and just don't really care. They've built a cage of unreality around themselves that makes me feel like I'm talking to aliens.

Like the other day, I was talking to one who insisted that the tee-em-ees will not show up for me. Like, I said they did, and she said they won't, and I was like, but they DO! They have! Always! I've seen it with my own eyes, directly for me specifically! But it was just "who hurt you," "let yourself be angry," "don't settle for just scraps," "they won't treat you better if you throw yourself at their feet," "social murder," and it's like WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? ARE YOU HAVING A STROKE? WAS THIS A DREAM YOU HAD?

And what about the deliberately cruel fuckery, the constant derision of the most petty things like forcemasc? What the fuck do they get out of wrongly asserting that women are never punished for masculinity and never have a problem with being viewed as masculine, like why are they doing that, what is their goal? Because it seems like it's literally just "mock and invalidate the sexual interests of others and deem it an inferior copy of our thing."

What do they get out of misgendering cis and trans men for forcefem funsies and telling them to suck it up? They don't really believe that their forcefem joke is the only thing that might make an egg crack. That's extremely obviously a lie. They're doing it because they want to, because it's their kink, because they don't care about the feelings of other people, and they can use transmisogyny as a convenient defense when people ask them to moderate literally any of their behavior for the comfort of everyone else to literally any extent while demanding everyone else shut up and defer to them on every single topic in every single situation.

And this stuff with D20 and Ophiuchus and the transmasc character being treated better? A lie. Just fully making it up. Inventing it. Fabricating it. For attention.

I've never had one acknowledge it when I've tried to explain that I first learned about all of this from transmasc friends bringing it to me so they could defer to my opinion.

They're determined to stay like this. It sucks.

*truly a phrase that makes me livid to even think about now, they reduce it to about the same level of seriousness as forcefem jokes, every single time it's so thoughtlessly hollow and self-obsessed but you could guess that from it being a fair description of every thought they externalize

**let me make this clear, I'm referring to young adults, I am not accusing anyone of being predatory towards minors nor am I saying the motivations are necessarily sexual anyway, although clearly transradfems don't care about the effect their hyperbole will have on the mental health of minors exposed to it and trained from a young age to never trust anyone, so underage transfems are very much a concern here, but not in the sense that they're being directly and personally abused in any way

[soapisahimbo]

NSFW ABC - Rodolfo Parra Edition

Finally! I'll be honest with you, this man has been quite the challenge to write about, mostly because it's been difficult to pin his personality and whatnot. But! I'm hoping I got it at least somewhat right and that you'll enjoy this one!

Contains heavy smut elements, so minors stay away!

I'm going to try my best to make sure that it won't be as long until I get your requests out, because I don't like keeping you waiting!

warnings: senseless smut, detailed descriptions, hinted at female anatomy, Rodolfo is a fucking sweetheart

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex):

He's a real sweetheart, placing kisses over every part of you that he can reach, running his hands over the parts that he can't. He mumbles sweet nothings into your skin, some in English, some in Spanish, and this is one of the few times he'll be this verbal about his affection to you. Not that he never is usually, but he's a bit more relaxed and daring with his choice in words when you lay down with him like this. "So beautiful, so soft... warm... I can never get enough of you, querida, I want more..."

Once he breaks out of his reverie, he checks if you're ok. He's not very rough in bed, but he is strong and he can get pretty intense in the heat of the moment and can leave a few marks behind if he loses himself enough in the parts of you that he pays extra close attention to. He's never hurt you before, but he wants you to enjoy being with him. He wants to know if there's anything particular that you did or didn't like, so he knows to do more or less of it in the future. He asks you if you want to get in the shower. If you're a bit weak in the legs, he's quick to help you out. He might feel bad about it, but if you reassure him and tell him that you don't mind, he'll be vastly more confident; maybe even a bit cheeky.

He may be gentle and reserved, but he's certainly not lacking in passion. Can't keep his hands and mouth off of you, kisses deeply and touches eagerly. Insists that he should be the one to clean you off just so he can touch you more, but he's even more happy to oblige if you do the same just to get touched by you.

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s):

Listen, he knows what his body looks like - he sees it in the mirror every day. But he is not vain, even in the slightest. He's aware that people might find his body attractive, but he's not the type to get cocky. He keeps himself in good shape because he feels it's necessary, but he's not as interested in flaunting his "assets" as some of his teammates might be. They have teased him about this more times than he can count, calling him things like the "shy maiden" of Los Vaqueros, but there's usually at least one or two people that remind them that he can easily take all of them out if he so wanted and that's all it takes to shut their mouths for a good while.

With that said, he has his own personal appreciation for his chest and arms. Not necessarily because of the way they look, but because he likes the way you can rest your head on his chest, and the way he can wrap his arms tightly around you (not to mention the way you place your hands on his pecs when you ride him, or the way he can hold you in place when he takes you).

He actually has a special weakness for the same parts on you, for the same reasons too. He just takes great enjoyment in laying his head down on your chest, thinks it's the best place to rest and even jokingly claims that he doesn't regain nearly as much energy if he rests somewhere else. Melts a little bit every time you hug him from behind and wishes that you'd never let go.

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically):

He's not the type to say this out loud, but seeing the strings of his cum on your skin? His heart is pounding in his ears just thinking about it. On your stomach or the small of your back, over your thighs - it's not like he covers you all over, but the sight of it taps into something feral that he barely even knew he had in him. It makes him feel hot and it makes him want to do far more salacious things to you, but he's not quite sure what that would entail or how to make them reality. He holds back, but he has a dirtier mind than he might let on, or is even aware of. Perhaps with a bit of guidance...

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs):

Rodolfo has always been a highly respectful man. He maintains eye contact, keeps his hands to himself, stays at a respectable distance when he speaks to someone he's not intimate with, and he was determined to stick to this, no matter how weak in the knees he was for you. He was sure you weren't doing it on purpose, but those clothes you wore that night certainly... accentuated some parts of you that he hadn't paid much attention to earlier (or at least tried not to). You two were good friends, so giving him hugs, leaning onto him, just standing close to him in general was not strange to either of you, but even if he always had been a bit infatuated with you, he never made any moves that could be considered inappropriate. But with the way you looked and the alcohol in his blood, hugging you felt different when he was suddenly so aware of your body. And he could tell that the other men were too. He's not typically jealous, but he felt a certain heat in his chest when he saw them try to approach you, licking their lips and undressing you with their eyes. But the night was not in their favour - you preferred his company over theirs and when you had had one too many drinks, he offered you to crash at his place. He didn't have any single ulterior motive with this, he just wanted to make sure you were safe.

Once at his place, he said that he'd ready the guest room for you, but you asked him very sweetly if you could maybe sleep with him in his bed tonight. Not knowing how to turn you down, he dumbfoundedly agreed and took you to his room. Once you were tucked in next to him, wearing a pair of his shorts and a t-shirt that he let you borrow, he tried to relax and fall asleep, but he was alarmingly aware of your body pressing up against him. He couldn't help himself. He blamed it on the alcohol clouding his judgment, but he couldn't go to sleep like this. Once he was sure you were asleep, he snuck out of bed and into the bathroom, stepping into the shower where he pulled his sweats down, wrapped his hand around his cock and jerked off to the thought of you.

He tried to keep his mind off of it the following day, but it was difficult. By the next time he invited you over, he'd had some time to think about your friendship and his feelings towards you, and while he's still not 100% sure about the order of events that had him end up on top of you, he really couldn't resist you anymore - especially not when you undressed that way for him.

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?):

He's no virgin and he definitely knows his way around the bedroom, but he's not interested in one-night-stands or any friends-with-benefits-type deal. He's a very monogamous man, wants to be close only to someone who he's in a dedicated relationship with. He might not exactly have been with plenty of women, but he pays close attention to the one he's with and is almost freakishly good at finding those exact spots to make your mind melt.

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying):

Any position where he can feel your body right up against his. He's the type to hold you almost overwhelmingly close, but you like it - you can't tell where you end and he starts. The entire expanse of his chest against your own or against your back, his legs wrapped up in yours, fingers entwined, arms pinned. He likes it if you or he can sit straight up so he can get a good view of you, but he's always drawn to that "the closest we can physically get is still not close enough" kind of position.

If you feel a bit daring and can withstand those big, dark puppy eyes of his, you can definitely use this against him. Gently urge him to let you take care of him, tell him to keep his hands to himself - no need to restrain him - and watch him crumble underneath you. Once again, he never says this out loud, never dares to actually ask for it, but fuck, he loves it.

He doesn't stray far from this all that often, but he's also surprisingly into holding you up against the wall, which definitely caught you by surprise when you found out. Doesn't happen very often, but you're certainly not complaining when it does.

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.):

He doesn't exactly make a lot of jokes, but he says things that make you chuckle, and then that will make him chuckle, and then the two of you are just a pair of giggly messes making each other come apart in just pure joy and pleasure. He sometimes says incredibly sweet things that'll have you giggle like a school girl talking to her biggest crush and he just loves making you laugh out of love.

Of course, he can be quite playful and both of you have had each other in stitches, but it's usually because of something unpredictable and out of your control that you can't really do much else about other than laugh. Once it was a very loud pair of cats fighting out on the street just outside your home, another time it was Rudy bumping his head into the wall above you, and another time your neighbour sneezed really loudly and it startled both of you into an absolute fit. So while Rudy might not be the biggest jokester, he doesn't mind a good laugh.

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.):

He doesn't actually have much of a happy trail - it sticks up maybe an inch above the hem of his boxers - but there's a rather thick and curly patch of hair down there. It's not very unruly though and it doesn't really spread out all that much. It's surprisingly soft and luscious, actually. He doesn't need to do much in terms of trimming, but he'll do a sweep with the trimmer for the sake of comfort every now and then, especially during the warmer months.

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect):

Oh, he's all over this. He's practically bursting with love and warmth when he holds you close in literally any way he can, regardless of if it's when you're naked in bed with him, or in your pajamas, fully swaddled with blankets and sitting in front of the TV, watching bad soap operas. Intimacy is a big deal for him and he takes it very seriously. Hell, nudity never needs to lead to sex, it's just another way for him to feel you.

He's oh so sweet and very gentle with his affection for you and just wants to spend as much time as he can with you, without being overbearing of course. Doing domestic tasks together, taking naps, hushed conversations in the middle of the night - he's all about that.

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon):

It shames him a bit when he does it; it feels like it's something he shouldn't be doing, so he tries to steer clear of it. But since the two of you got together, it's become way more challenging than it ever was before, and you've sort of relieved some of his previous qualms about it. He doesn't want to do it if you're nearby because it feels like he's going behind your back, but sometimes when far away from you, he might not be able to help himself.

However the thought of someone catching him in the act is absolutely mortifying, especially if it happened to be Alejandro, so even if he wants to, he might not actually go through with it.

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks):

He is not a very kinky man, but mostly because he hasn't really explored all that much. He might not be fully aware of what he likes or really wants to do until he finds the right outlet for it, but if you encourage him to try more things out, he'll probably find that he enjoys things like edging, soft bondage, blindfolds and temperature play. He might have a bit of an affinity for biting. When trying out new things, you might need to show him how you'd do it to him first before he feels comfortable trying it on you, but he's a quick learner and he easily picks up on your cues, finding just the right trick to please both of you.

As mentioned before, he has a dirtier mind than one might think, perhaps dirtier than he himself thinks. The more you encourage him and boost his confidence, the more daring he'll get and the more he'll initiate and come up with his own things he might want to try. You might be surprised when he suggests something along the lines of shibari - he won't do anything extreme and doesn't feel any desire to do any form of suspension, but there's something about the intricacy and intimacy of it that he enjoys.

L = Location (favorite places to do the do):

Bed and couch. He mostly wants to lay down with you during sex, but he does like having you up against the wall - when that happens though, it's usually in the hallway when neither of you have the patience to wait any longer. He feels that the shower is too risky - too slippery - so if the two of you get frisky in there, he usually prefers that you move it into the bedroom. Never wants to have sex outside the home though - the thought of getting caught makes him very uncomfortable.

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going):

You. Just you in general. The way you look, the way you move, the way you smell, the way you feel, all of it. He's weak in the knees for you in both the most domestic, loving way and the most lusty, sexual way. He often mirrors you and he's very attuned to you - if you flirt, he flirts; if you're down, he's down. He matches your intention and your energy, so he moves the way you do, looks at you the way you look at him, feels you the way you feel him. It's like an intricate dance that only you two know the choreography of.

While not the jealous or possessive type, there is something in him that feeds off of the fact that others want you but you're his. All these men looking your way, vying for your attention, and he's the one that has it. He's always a bit more intense in these moments, and these are usually the times when you barely make it further than the hallway.

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs):

Don't ever - don't you ever! - suggest any form of impact play or choking or anything of the sort! Not for yourself, not for him, that's just nowhere near his list of things he'd want to do to or with you. Sex can be intense and heated and passionate, definitely, but violent? Never.

Gags also, he wants to hear you and he wants to be able to tell you how much he loves you. He's a softie at heart, all right? He just wants to love on you.

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.):

He never asks for it. He reassures you that you don't have to if you don't want to when you ask if you can go down on him, but if you insist, if you tell him that you really want to, he'll take a deep breath before giving you a dazed nod and mumbling out a gentle, "yeah, ok".

He strokes your hair, your cheeks, has a hard time looking at you because it just looks so lewd and you're so sexy and it feels so fucking good. He might moan out some jumbled combination of your name, to slow down or to go faster, how good you are to him, how close he is and so on. He doesn't do anything to control your pace until he gets really close, which is when he grabs your head. He does try to be gentle about fucking your mouth, but he has a tendency to get lost in the sensation and might shove his dick further down your throat than he intended. It's worth it when he cums though, because he heaves forward, leaning over you and moaning into the crown of your hair, while his thighs shake and quiver until he finally comes down from the high of it. He apologizes if he's been too rough, but you tell him not to worry. But regardless of if he returns the favour right away or he goes down on you some other time, he keeps this in mind and uses any chance he can get to make it up to you.

Let him make it up to you, please. Even if he's pushing you a bit farther than you think you might be able to take. He takes going down on you very seriously. He won't allow himself to get distracted by anything (Alejandro called once while he was going down on you and you're pretty sure that's the only time Rudy has ever told you "he can wait") - he wants to give all his attention to you. He holds a strong and firm grip on your hips and thighs, making it near impossible for you to move, licking and sucking and kissing for what might feel like an eternity, coaxing out a number of orgasms in such a succession that it might just be one very extended one. He loses himself in it, too, and he doesn't seem to have any problem looking at you now. His eyes glazed over, heavy-lidded and deep and this time you might be the one who has to look away.

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.):

He's a slow and heavy one, holding you tightly and grinding his hips into yours. He keeps this pace very steady and doesn't really change it unless you ask him to or he's getting close. He's had his moments where he goes quicker and rougher, mostly out of pure impatience and desperation for you, but he prefers to keep it slow and deep if he can.

If you want him to go faster, he'll do his best to hold out as long as he can, but if you're in charge and maybe ride him, he might ask you to slow down, just because you feel so good and he wants to make it last.

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.):

He's not a big fan, to be honest. He might try to go for it a few times, but he finds that it's not nearly as satisfactory as actually spending a much more extended amount of time with you, and once he's started, it's hard for him to stop. He once tried to go for a quickie in the bathroom once, bending you over the sink, but those five minutes that he asked for at the start just kept going and going and going and going... he apologized several times during the deed, but he just couldn't bring himself to stop, and you honestly didn't really mind it.

You did, however, take any chance you got to make fun of him for it. He's usually a very disciplined and strong-willed individual, but that just seems to melt away when he's with you.

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.):

If there's ever anything he'd want to experiment with, he's doing it very cautiously. Remember the temperature play and shibari? He won't touch upon it unless he's read pretty much every article and every tip and every cautionary tale he can find on it. And once he's done that and gathered up the courage for it, he'll talk to you about it in great detail, with flushed cheeks and all, because he wants to know how you feel about it, and if you agree to try it, he'll go at it with baby steps - a little at a time. He takes it upon himself to prepare for everything that can go wrong and explains his steps to you as he's doing them. You might need to tell him to relax a bit, not to worry so much. It's good that he's prepared, but sometimes he needs a reminder to get out of his head and actually enjoy the moment.

With all that said, he won't ever try anything that he thinks might cause either one of you actual harm or put you at risk. He's not an adrenaline junkie, and he personally finds the sex to be mindblowing enough as it is, so he doesn't see any reason to do anything too wild.

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?):

If he was a much more prideful person, he'd definitely be the type to brag about how long he can hold out. But he isn't, so he doesn't, even if you've told him several times that you're impressed with his stamina. He can go for 3 rounds, easily, mainly because he paces himself and has a strangely effective recovery. He has a hard time stopping, he always wants a little bit more, but even he reaches his limit at some point. It of course depends on how long you can go for - it's no longer any fun if you're not into it.

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?):

He has never really thought about toys, at least not for himself. If he ever came across any of your toys, it would be purely accidental and it might actually take him a moment to realize what he's looking at before blushing profusely and then trying his absolute best to pretend he never saw anything. He won't tell you what he found unless you catch him in the act, or you notice that he's acting strange and convince him to tell you. If you manage to get it out of him, you'll need to reassure him that you're not angry with him, because he's convinced that you'll be outraged if you find this out.

If you tell him that you use them when he's away and you miss him, you'll practically hear his heart race. Couple that with a sultry, "I can't make myself feel as good as you do" and he might snap.

He never considers using them during sex, not out of shame or any sort of qualm towards it, but because he feels like that's your own thing and it's not for him to meddle with, so if you want to use them with him, you'll need to convince him. Be careful though, because once he reaches a certain amount of confidence, he'll really give you a run for your money.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease):

He's not at all a teaser, at least not on purpose. He can get a bit distracted, rubbing and kissing spots just because he enjoys it and you have to redirect him because he's actually driving you insane without realizing it.

He gets a bit uncomfortable if you tease him outside the comfort of your home, so keep it within the walls. If you tease him at times where he can't instantly get to you, better brace yourself, because once he is able to reach you, he won't let go for a good while.

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.):

Not very loud, but quite vocal. He sticks to moans and sighs and whispers, keeping his mouth close to your ears so that you can hear him, or to your skin so that he can kiss you. His words might get jumbled up, but he's not the type to ramble even when overwhelmed. He's terrible at staying quiet though, which is just one of the reasons he doesn't want to have sex if not in a room with a lockable door and thick enough walls.

He might actually surprise you with some of the things he says to you in the heat of the moment - it's like he loses his filter, even if it's just for a moment. He barely remembers it if you question him about it after the fact and honestly surprises himself with some of the dirtier things he's said to you. One of the tamer things he's said has been "I wanna fuck you until we pass out, baby," and you remember feeling surprised at hearing that come from him as it sent you over the edge.

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character):

You sat in bed reading a book, leaning back against Rodolfo's chest, with his arms around you. You were reading it aloud as he basked in your warmth, placing gentle kisses against your hair every now and then as just a tiny little sign of love. But as time went on, the warmth began to shift to something else, something that had his heart beat just a little bit faster, and he couldn't even tell what it was that did it. But his hands began to trail down over your hips, and he could tell by the way your voice fell for just a moment that you could tell what he was doing. He buried his face in the crook of your neck, his fingers tugging just a little bit at the hem of your underwear and you did your best to continue reading.

His fingers trailed just a little bit further down and you paused for a moment to gather yourself. "Rudy, what-?"

"I'm sorry, can I just..." He didn't finish his question before he slipped into your underwear and he began to work his hand between your legs. "Just... just keep reading, baby..."

His other hand snuck up under you shirt and to your chest where his fingers found one of your nipples. "Rudy, how am I supposed to-"

"Keep reading, please?"

You leaned your head back to try and get yourself together and you felt him moan silently against your neck. You took a deep breath, then focused back on the book and began to read again, albeit shakily. You don't know what got into him, but he was panting against your skin as if you were pleasuring him, and he kept asking you to keep reading even after you came. After the third time though, you threw the book away and begged him to just fuck you already. This seemed to snap him out of it and he finally took his clothes off, letting you get on top and sit down fully on his length.

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes):

6-ish inches, give or take if he's hard or soft. It has a little bend to it and is a bit thicker than others, but not too much. The head of it is a little thicker than the rest, but it only seems to work in his favour.

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?):

He's not an overtly sexual type of person, but you do things to him that he just can't resist, so it's safe to say that he wants you as much and as often as you want him. If he's in the mood, he'll approach you carefully and patiently, never expecting you to do anything you don't want to, but you find that his touches and kisses always work to warm you up (just as yours do for him). How high his sex drive is can vary from day to day, week to week, but he's still very affectionate and intimate on the days when it's low.

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards):

It might actually take a while for him to fall asleep afterwards. He likes to talk to you, sometimes about how much he enjoyed it, sometimes about how much he loves you, sometimes about plans or things he'd want to do, and he might talk for a good hour or so. If you're sleepy though, he'll let you sleep. He'll watch you for little while, taking in the sight of you before getting comfortable and falling asleep with you in his arms.

[rainbow-sunshine-unicorn]

Bridgerton Season 3 and the dichotomy of understandable vs justifiable

This is going to be a long post and possibly incomprehensible but I've been thinking about the narrative choices of season 3 for way too long to not talk about it.

When a character takes any decisions or does an action, it has two facets- understandable and justifiable. Understandable actions are those where the audience knows why a character is doing what they are doing. Some common ways to establish this sort of knowledge is having flashbacks, by showcasing backstories or through narrative foreshadowing. Justifiable actions are those where the audience is meant to support the actions of a character, they don't merely understand the course of action but agree with it. Of course, actions can be both understandable and justifiable, but they don't always have to be. It's perfectly possible to have characters do things that are completely understandable but not even remotely justifiable.

(It's a bit more difficult to have actions that are justifiable but not understandable, because often justification comes from understanding, but with enough plot maneuvering, it can be done but I'll talk about that some other time)

And that's what I want to talk about. In season 2, there were plenty of characters who did things that were narratively framed as understandable but not justifiable. Anthony in particular is a great example of this. Like when he proposes to Edwina after Daphne confronts him about his feelings for Kate. His conversation with Violet on the in 2x03 has already established his absolute terror for love and why he is so insistent on having a pleasant marriage as opposed to a passionate one. And the flashbacks to Edmund's death have further established how much he suffered and saw his mother suffer. So when his reaction to Daphne driving home the point that he feels something intense for Kate, even if he calls it aggravation, it's something very far from rationality, we can understand why he chooses to propose to Edwina. But it's never framed as a justifiable choice. Whether it's through Kate's "Yes, my lord?" thinking he's coming to talk to her or the events that unfold, it is established that it was not the right course of action.

Another good example of this is Edwina's "half sister" comment to Kate. The long lingering shots of Kate and Anthony, the bracelet scene, the shots of the guests looking confused, all help us understand exactly where Edwina is coming from. She's hurt and lashes out at Kate to hurt her. But, is this ever framed as a justifiable choice? We constantly hear Kate emphasize their sisterhood, add to it her "this shall pass" speech to Anthony, her desire to go to India to physically remove herself from the situation, and it all show us that it was Kate's self-sacrificial nature that led her to her course of action, not because her loyalty towards Edwina was diluted by the lack of a full blood relation. Edwina's comments are never framed as justifiable.

And this brings me to Penelope. Until season 2, her actions were framed as understandable but not justifiable. Her mother and sister's casual cruel comments, Cressida's open meanness towards her, the comments she overhears from Colin, all help us understand exactly why Lady Whistledown has become such an outlet for her. Those shots of her at the periphery of ballrooms help us see why she sees the gossip as a silver lining in her situation. But what happens to Eloise and Penelope's explosive monologue to Eloise all work towards helping us understand that her actions are not exactly justifiable. It's not something the audience should throw unwavering support behind. And that's part of what makes her such a deliciously complex character. She forces us to contend with our own ideas of fairness and loyalty, in an especially unfair society.

However in season 3, the narrative choices seem geared towards framing Penelope's actions as both understandable and justifiable. The shots of Penelope staring as Cressida and Eloise walk away are framed to elicit pity from us. Similarly the shot of Penelope and Eloise at the modiste, with Penelope framed softly compared to the harsher positioning of Eloise is clearly intended for the audience to know that there's a sympathetic character vs a sterner one. And at least in part 1 it's established, narratively and cinematically, that we, as an audience, are supposed to view Eloise's grudge towards Penelope as unreasonable or 'doing too much'.

This is honestly a baffling narrative choice by the writers that downplays the complexity of Penelope as a character. Penelope is not meant to be a straight up victim, that's the whole point of Lady Whistledown. And if Penelope's actions are both understandable and justifiable, so much of the intensity of the reveal is lost, because if there's a "right side" then there's nothing for the audience to contend with. The whole point of Lady Whistledown being morally grey is that it makes the audiences think and agonize over different kinds of reactions to the reveal, whether those are understandable and justifiable or merely understand.

The fun of the reveal in the books is that we can understand Penelope, but we can also understand the disgruntled ton and I understand that the show is narratively quite far from the books, but even then to take out the complex nuance of Penelope and work towards this one dimensional narrative is a very strange decision.

[sepublic]

Thinking back to criticisms of Luz going through the same arc of opening up and letting people in throughout S2B onwards (a point following Yesterday's Lie, where Luz's guilt increased tenfold after seeing Camila's reaction), and I think it's important to remember that this is the frustrating reality behind living when you have self-loathing, suicidal ideation, etc., AKA things Luz absolutely had. The healing process IS unpleasant, that's the point. Especially in later cases when the Day of Unity is impending, or the need to get back to the Demon Realm; Sometimes the situation is inherently stressful, it feels helpless and it’s not just a matter of mental health and handling. And that just makes it easier to self-sabotage.

To apply my own quote from another fandom to this situation: Luz is grappling with continuing to apply this lesson of self-worth because that's the exhausting truth; You will relapse and you will have to constantly remind yourself and relearn that same lesson over and over again. That's life, that's the banal truth behind living, but there's also a deep wonder behind it too.

Plus there’s other ideas this contributes towards; Like how you need to live with mistakes and how that plays into Camila’s arc with her daughter; Luz having her You are Not Immune to Propaganda moment, then forgiving herself to avoid the fallacy in Leftist circles that it’s better to have done nothing wrong than to do something right.

In particular, we see how Luz’s relapse can affect Amity, and how it gradually wears down on her, how it's genuinely stressful on her end as well; Obviously, Amity is giving Luz extra grace because Luz did the same for her first, despite nothing really prompting on her own end besides unyielding compassion. So it would hypocritical to not extend that same patience in return, and Amity does!!! But it ties back into why Raine and Eda broke up, why Raine isn't blamed for it, why Eda has to take responsibility and not just wallow in self-pity about how she's driven people away because Eda has others she cares about, and needs to look after as well, especially when they're kids dependent on her!!!

So Luz’s own relationship with Amity is at stake here if she doesn’t internalize her lesson, and sure that may seem insignificant compared to saving the isles; But it’s not just about saving the isles, but also Luz letting herself want things by continuing to stay afterwards, rather than live a self-imposed exile out of the mistaken belief that she’s inherently harmful to the demon realm for being an outsider. That can be a xenophobic take! And in the end, that relationship with Amity (who very much benefitted from Luz the Outsider) is one of the things Luz looks forward to even in her depression, and even if she planned to cut ties she wouldn’t want Amity to leave it on a bad note either; In fact Luz shouldn’t cut ties, period.

And I find it a bold take; That you need to open up not just because it's good for you, but because if you really care about your loved ones, you will see it hurts them too. That you're not just hurting yourself, this is not your ideal, noble self-sacrifice. You are still deciding things for other people in a way by hurting them, that you're not just caring about yourself but the loved ones you claim are better off from this anyhow.

You are putting people under a lot of stress because they can't reach out, and to save themselves because they can't save you without your own input, sometimes they just gotta cut ties. They feel like you're not being honest with them, and you can't blame them for making it about themselves because they've spent all this time up until now trying to make it about you and why you deserve to live. And since your own wellbeing as motive isn't good enough, at least consider theirs???

If you think about it, this could even apply to Luz’s own relationship with the Demon Realm; By insisting it doesn’t need her, that she’s more a harmful force than anything, she’s just harming it in the long run by not helping stop Belos. The isles needs Luz too, it’s not just the other way around! And then you have to remember the isles is an actual person, the Titan; So it’s another relationship of hers to maintain. The Titan is like a father figure, like Manny, so it all ties back together in Luz continuing to live and love to honor her dead father.

It's easy and even comforting to portray this type of self-loathing and self-destruction as only happening in a vacuum; But it doesn't. Despair can be comforting, and it's gonna keep hitting you over and over, unless you keep fighting it over and over. By god is it tedious, but over time it might fade away entirely. But even then you might have to stay on alert regardless. They really weren't kidding when they said To Live is To Suffer. But it's also To Thrive, and you need to work for that too.

Plus, Luz not being just done after hearing it the first time connects to how the Boiling Isles wasn't magically fixed following Belos' death and the Collector releasing everyone; They still had other people to worry about, like the other coven heads, and so much work in rebuilding the isles. We check back four years later and only then do they finally figure out how to undo coven bindings. The work continues, life continues, there is no definitive ending but you just gotta keep going. This was Dana's actual intent behind her displeasure with "Happily ever after" as a phrase, rather than hating happy endings inherently.

And I think the fact that there's still so much more to do works with the meta fact that there were still so many other stories and conflicts left untold, unresolved; Things like the Archivists, the Bat Queen's past, coven heads like Hettie Cutburn or Vitimir, etc. But in a way, the epilogue, the four year gap, and life continuing after the Quincenera because of course it will, because people and things will live on no matter how much destruction there is, is good space to explore that.

And it's a gift to fans who love stories and have the opportunity to make more themselves, because Dana herself explained in an interview how she loved to make connections in shows she had growing up, so it pleased her to inspire the same in fans from this generation. At the very least, if the show was given a spin-off or continuation, something like that, there'd definitely be more stories, and more work, to do with The Owl House. Again, those unlived stories are both the frustration, but also the wonder, behind keeping going.

[emeryleewho]

I am legitimately *scared* by how common the "never tell someone who is psychotic that what they're experiencing isn't real" advice has become because psychosis is a very broad scale of experiences, and insisting that it be approached exactly the same for everyone is a surefire way to get people killed.

I'm not saying that advice is *bad*. There is a time and a place for it. If someone is deep in a belief, do not argue with them about whether or not that belief is real. You will not convince them, and you will make them feel isolated and alone. HOWEVER if someone has previously told you that it helps them to be grounded when they are slipping into psychosis, or if someone is teetering on the edge and is struggling to discern what is real, telling them what is or isn't real can help guide them back to baseline or finding help whereas validating their delusions could be downright dangerous.

I'm sorry that this is not simple and easy to follow advice, but that's because psychosis is not simple and easy to deal with. Another way to look at this is that it's okay to validate someone's feelings, but do not validate the false reality. If someone says, "I'm terrified my best friend is trying to kill me", you can validate their feeling unsafe but do not validate that their friend is trying to kill them. On the other hand, if this is someone who is well aware of their psychotic tendencies but simply isn't aware that this particular thought is a delusion, sometimes just talking them through it works. "Why do you think your friend is trying to kill you? Oh, I see. If I'm honest, they seem like a really good friend so I don't think they'd want to hurt you. Is it possible that fear is coming from another place?" I've had conversations like these with loved ones that have made them realize they were slipping into a delusion, which allowed them to adjust their meds, speak to their psych, or even just avoid reckless decision making until it passed. Had I just said, "Oh, I'm so sorry. Yeah, it's hard to not trust your friends." They may have ended the friendship on false beliefs or put themselves in danger trying to avoid something that wasn't a real threat. A big part of it is understanding where that person is and how deep they are in the psychosis, what their level of awareness of their own psychosis is, and what sort of help/treatment they are on and they prefer in managing their own condition.

Please don't try to mass enforce health advice you find on Tumblr. Please understand how nuanced these things are and approach them with care. And for the love of god, if somebody tells you what they need, *believe* them.

TL;DR: The way you approach a stranger experiencing psychosis is different than the way you approach someone you know well. The way you approach someone in a full-blown psychotic episode is different than the way you approach someone dealing with some psychotic thoughts or features. The way you approach someone who is well aware of their psychosis and actively working through it is different than the way you approach someone who has no knowledge of their condition. And as nice as quick tidbits of advice can be, the information you get from medical professionals, the individual, and anyone else in the know on that individual's care should supersede anything you read online.

[c-optimistic]

Hi there! Are you still open to 100 days of fic prompts? Wondering if you'd take a stab at Lena worrying that she and Kara are too different to be together romantically and Kara insisting that they complement each other

this is a very old prompt, from back before my relationship ended and i was trying to impress my ex with fic everyday, but i am trying to write more so here’s a little bit of angsty fluff for funsies

When she finally had the presence of mind to pull the knife wedged between her shoulder blades, the remnant of the shattered trust between herself and Kara, she’d come to an all-encompassing conclusion: there was no such thing as love.

There couldn’t be.

(Because if there was such a thing as ‘love,’ then she rather thinks Lex would’ve stayed sane, her mother would have treated the girl she raised as her own, her friends wouldn’t have left her, and Kara…Kara wouldn’t have lied.)

But as the months dragged on and forgiveness became less of a long shot and more of a question of when, her thoughts on love began to evolve. Now, Lena is a scientist. And so, after careful consideration and thorough research, she decides that the thing people call love is merely chemical reactions in her brain, associating Kara’s presence with feelings of happiness and safety. A drug, really. And like any drug, the best way to cut her dependence is to remove the drug from her life and consistently remind herself why the drug is so dangerous to her health.

(She had not reckoned for the fact that this particular drug can advocate on its own behalf, and is very much not on board with the notion of ‘quitting.’)

“I don’t really understand what you mean,” Kara says, standing in Lena’s living room in her skin tight blue suit, red cape hanging listlessly behind her, leaving very little of Kara’s curves to the imagination.

Lena has to physically shake her head, blinking furiously in annoyance at the chemicals in her brain.

“What’s so confusing?” she asks, a question she really wishes sounded angry and hurt, but comes out as confused as Kara looks. Because if she’s honest, she’s not sure she knows what she means either. Just that she can’t think with Kara so close.

“I said I love you,” Kara says, voice clear and unafraid, those three words ringing in Lena’s ears, momentarily making thoughts hard. “I said that it’s been a while since I worked my back to being friends with you. But that I want more.” She steps towards Lena, who takes several steps back, causing Kara to huff but stop. “I asked how you felt, and all you’ve done is list all the possible reasons we’re not good for each other. But that’s not an answer, Lena.”

“But listen,” Lena says, swallowing. “Have you considered that you love potstickers and I don’t?”

“I don’t really care, that just means more for me when we order in.”

Lena’s eyes narrow at the easy solution. “Okay. Fine. What about the fact that you don’t like my taste in novels?”

“Lena, I want to go out with you, not the trashy romance books you read. What does that have to do with anything?” Kara asks, clearly exasperated.

“Right, but those books give unrealistic expectations of love and romance and I—”

“—then I’ll read all your favorites and will show you love the way you want to be loved.”

Lena’s heart hammers away, and she makes the mistake of looking away briefly, trying to come up with another excuse, unsurprised when Kara is approaching her slowly—like she’s a spooked deer or a cat with trust issues—giving her ample time to move away or tell Kara off.

She does neither.

“Lena. I love you,” Kara says in barely a whisper, now only inches away from Lena. “Can you please tell me what this is all about?”

“Everyone I love and who was supposed to love me has let me down. And I…” She trails off, closes her eyes, and presses her forehead to Kara’s strong shoulder, gripping her wrists as tightly as she can. “And I don’t know if I’m broken and am unloveable or if love isn’t real and—it was hard enough after finding out you’re Supergirl. I can’t do it, I can’t lose you again. Not you too.”

For a moment, there’s nothing but the sound of Kara’s breathing intermingled with Lena’s struggle to avoid breaking down into sobs. Then, strong arms wrap around her and hold her tight, enveloping her in the scent of flowers and sunshine and warming her from head to toe.

And embarrassingly, Lena’s chemicals send a single thought through her brain: home.

“I know I let you down,” Kara says, a gentle hand shifting and then fingers threading through Lena’s hair. “And I can’t promise I’ll never let you down, because I’m not perfect. But I do promise you will never lose me. As long as you’ll have me, in whatever form that is, I’ll be right here. Okay?”

And there’s so much more to say, so much more to figure out. Lena desperately wants to say those three words back, wants to pull away just enough to kiss Kara hard enough that she can feel the way those chemicals in Lena’s brain have altered her being, wants to confess every single dark thought she’s had from the moment she found out Kara’s secret and all the lies she told.

But instead she lets out a watery laugh.

“But you have a preference in what form I’ll have you, right?” she asks, knowing the answer, knowing that her answer is the same, knowing maybe forgiveness alone isn’t enough yet for them to take that next step.

“Oh Rao, obviously I have a preference,” Kara whines as she pulls away, grinning when she catches Lena’s smile.

And Lena’s pretty sure that next step will come sooner than either of them think.

[akirathedramaqueen]

No better than any royal

It's an analysis regarding classism in Helluva Boss and Blitzø's part in it.

Warning: Apology Tour spoilers. Be advised if you haven't watched the episode yet. And also it's big as hell itself, I am not good in being laconic thing.

I wanted to write a post about the thing which bothered me for some time already, but I wasn't sure how to articulate it properly. Now that the 'Apology Tour' has come out, and we've got another parallel on the same thing, I think I need to grab my shit together and try to analyze this to the best of my abilities.

See, something tingled in me a while ago when I noticed that Fizz, when stating in the 'Oops' episode, "If you think you are superior to anyone, then you are no better than any royal.", was looking at Blitzø the majority of the time. And, of course, he specifically says "neither of you", so... yeah. No doubt he was addressing both Blitzø and Striker.

There is an opinion going around that Striker as a character is designed to be compared to Blitzø. They are both prejudiced towards privileged people (here you can read a wonderful take from @tealvenetianmask on the class rage Blitzø experiences to get deeper into his reasons), with Striker taking it to the extremes as far as killing them with joy, while Blitzø... well, hurting one particular royal in his own way.

Then there's the next person, who says Blitzø's behavior resembles that of Striker, in the "Apology Tour" newest episode.

He says that right after Blitzø throws an accusation that Stolas has just a turn-on for people he looks down on. I like, by the way, how the camera moves up to Stolas, showing their significant physical difference in height and symbolizing their gap in social status.

Which is him, by the way, doubling down on a similar statement in the 'Oops' episode.

I am with you on this one, Fizz :.)

Stolas is very upset about it, and very justly so - Blitzø is putting words in his beak, assuming his mindset, demeaning his feelings, and disrespecting his wishes that he was very clear about. Blitzø means it, unfortunately, and, my take is, he is as much of a classist as the rich assholes like Stella whom he hates for the same very reason.

Just hold on with me for a moment. Look at this.

They are all the same. Stolas is the same.

Blitzø is treating Stolas unfairly based on his social class. Blitzø has a negative opinion of Stolas based on his social class. That's pretty much the definition, although more often than not it's referred to people of lower social status. Still counts in my book.

Don't get me wrong. Stolas is not innocent. He is raised in the privileged world and he takes advantage of it. He is treating his workers unfairly (remember that stressball imp guy?), and this also needs to be addressed... But it does not change the fact that Stolas's genuine feelings got mocked by Blitzø because the latter is so adamant in his superstitions, he does not believe anything the prince says.

And, to add to that, I think Blitzø takes great pride in being the 'I-made-myself' guy, running a successful business they said is rare for an imp. He is insistent in letting everyone know he has a transaction with Stolas, not a relationship. An exchange. A business deal. A fair trade, however stupid and twisted does that sound. He hates privilege, and he is afraid, insecure even, to be associated with it. He does not want to become like them.

And Blitzø, like Fizz said, thinks he is superior to ones who mingle with blue bloods and take from their riches. He thinks he is superior to blue bloods themselves because he earned everything he owns, and they got a birthright to hold onto.

Which, essentially, makes Blitzø no better than any royal.

That does not make him irredeemeable, though. He has plenty of reasons for behaving like that. He suffers every day from injustice. He is at the bottom of the food chain, he has to wait for 5 years to get an appointment for an essential vaccine, he gets ridiculed all the time for just existing. For just being an imp.

Blitzø just needs to understand, that, however privileged Stolas is, he is as fucked by this system as Blitzø is. Stolas had the whole life planned for him, he had no choice even in whom to marry, and he had to put up with years of abuse and trauma to hold an image. He did not have parents and has no friends. He struggles to survive in the environment where people like him are not welcome. He suffers because of the same system as Blitzø does, albeit differently.

I am not trying to compare who has it worse. The only point is that Blitzø is oblivious to the fact that Stolas can get hurt. Physically and emotionally.

Blitzø needs to understand that Stolas is different. Blitzø needs to give Stolas a chance to prove he is wrong. Blitz needs to let their relationship flourish. And through Stolas, he will eventually see that there are probably more royals who are not so horrible as he thinks. That everyone is different regardless of their social status.

As a closing note, I want to say that I wait for Striker's return. I think that there will be a point where they will meet again, but that time Blitzø will mature and prove that he has changed. And no one will dare to say that Blitzø is just like him ever again, which would be a perfect closure for the class conflict.

[jojotichakorn]

khabkhluen from 'star in my mind' - your next autistic fave

so, the mlm drama 'star in my mind' that came out in 2022 didn't gain much popularity (and when i post my review on it in a couple of days, you might understand why) but with the release of adjacent our skyy 2 episodes, the polls that make us decide upon which bl character has the most autistic swag over at @bl-bracket and due to the fact that i keep insisting on khluen being my favorite character specifically because i relate to him on a big level as an autistic person, there is no better time than right now to discuss this.

without further ado and in no particular order, here is a list of things that have explicitly happened in the drama 'star in my mind' that made me consider khluen being autistic canon:

♾ khluen is very particular about things

when one of the characters describes khluen's routine in high school, it has huge "we are introducing an autistic character" vibes, because he says khluen comes to school every day at the exact same time and his breakfast consists of the same sandwich and the same juice every single morning. by the way, two years later, he still only drinks that juice (at least as far as we see during the events of the drama). when khluen moves into the dorm and needs to unpack, he opens the closet and starts to place hangers in exactly the same distance away from each other (which also prompts one of his roommates to joke if he "needs a ruler for that"). according to his own words, khluen also doesn't like mess and needs things to be exactly where he puts them. he also pays attention to the smallest of details and sort of absent-mindedly expects that everyone else notices those tiny things as well. he also says that he never changes himself and doesn't like to readjust and have a lot of change in his life in general.

♾ khluen takes everything others say very literally and expresses himself literally as well

any questions khluen is asked, he does not even imagine reading into them and thinking they might be implying something other than what is being explicitly stated. at one point, khluen's partner actually says that khluen is "interpreting [something] wrong", which seems like a pattern for him. whenever he responds to questions or simply says something on his own, he expresses himself very literally and says exactly what he means as well.

there is one important-to-the-plot conversation that happens in the middle of the series and that hurts my brain and khluen's brain simultaneously and that is very relevant to this section. in essence, khluen's conversation partner does not say a single thing directly and relies fully on implications that allistics would typically recognize and understand. during that conversation, khluen is visibly confused - he tries very hard to understand what the other person is trying to say but he is failing. this alsoleads to him coming to the wrong conclusions because he is simultaneously forced to make assumptions in order to comprehend anything that is being said but is given absolutely no direct information to work with. along with this, he continues to answer questions very directly (e.g. when his interlocutor vaguely asks if he has rejected someone who has confessed to him in the past, implying his own confession, khluen misses that implication entirely and instead just honestly says "yes", as he has previously rejected someone else).

by the way, upon reflecting on the time he actually rejected someone, khluen says "i said it directly, i didn't hesitate, i didn't spare her feelings", which is not only a reflection of shitty things that other people say about him rubbing off on him (which i will talk about later) but also simply of him being self-aware as to how literal he is.

♾ khluen only speaks when he wants to and when he finds it necessary

this manifests in many different ways. first of all, he is almost entirely silent while his crush is confessing his feelings to him, and on many other occasions when he is in the middle of some emotionally taxing conversations, he speaks in incredibly short sentences, often uttering no more than three words, while the other person has already uttered a hundred. second of all, when he is asked questions that would prompt allistics to expand on the subject under discussion, he answers very directly and therefore with few words, never offering any extra information that he isn't explicitly asked for (e.g. "do you have any talents?" - "i have some"). third of all, if someone asks khluen a question he doesn't want to answer, he simply says nothing: he offers no explanation for why he doesn't want to respond, doesn't even say "i don't want to talk about it". he very literally remains silent.

♾ khluen either explains nothing at all or overexplains himself

in connection with not saying much and often preferring to stay silent, khluen is - most of the time - annoyed that people demand an explanation for everything he says, does, wants, etc. however, whenever khluen is having an important conversation with someone, he provides excessive and most of the time unnecessary clarifications (e.g. he explains that his crush had no personal impact on him breaking up with his girlfriend, because though he did it because he realized he fell in love with his crush, the crush actually had no direct hand in it - now, this is obvious, because he and his crush have literally never spoken at that point, and there was just no way in which he could have affected khluen's relationship directly and intentionally).

♾ khluen is not familiar with unspoken social rules and can't read social cues

this manifests in about a thousand different ways.

khluen isn't entirely sure how to interact with people he knows indirectly (he picks up his crush after class and his friends, who khluen kind of knows through that crush, are there but khluen has no idea how he is meant to interact with them, so he just ends up slightly awkwardly ignoring them while talking to the crush). in connection with him having a hard time identifying different levels of relationships and behavior that typically corresponds to them, there is a scene where he tries (and fails) to explain the very platonic nature of the relationship between him and one of his friends (which is later consicely and extremely accurately described by said friend as simply a sibling-like relationship).

whenever he is asked some sort of personal information, he is genuinely baffled as to why he should reveal anything to people he doesn't know that well. khluen also asks very direct questions that are sometimes considered impolite or simply wouldn't typically be asked in the given context by someone who understands social rules better. while playing a game with his friends, where they have to reveal the first impressions of each other, khluen does not sugarcoat his initially negative impression of his friend. khluen also gets into an argument with one character because of a secret he had to keep (that wasn't his) only to find out later that he was apparently stupid for not realizing he could reveal that secret to that specific person in that specific situation despite promising to never tell anyone because there are exceptions to everything in this world and khluen just doesn't understand them. one character very explicitly tells khluen that "he seems to be the only one who can't tell how [his crush] feels about him", because others are able to deduce it through his body language and other implications, which are clearly foreign to khluen. this is also why he says that he always feels like he is "one step behind" in his relationships.

in connection with this, khluen also relies on other people to read the social situations that he is in. he literally asks his crush in the middle of a very serious conversation if he can call his best friend to consult him so he could make sure he doesn't say anything wrong during the very important conversation (which does not seem like a joke on his part, it seems like something he's genuinely done before). in general, whenever someone reveals some sort of information to khluen that he knows he is unlikely to understand himself (e.g. someone liking or disliking another person), he accepts it as truth right away because he feels like there is no way for him personally to deduce that kind of thing.

♾ khluen does not really show his emotions through facial expressions during particularly heartbreaking moments

so, first of all, as not just a khluen fan but also as a fan of the actor who plays him, archen, i can confirm that this is indeed not chen's typical acting style. in fact, we can see him being very expressive even as khluen in this drama - just not in particularly heavy moments. the way khluen's face is entirely blank while his very serious crush confesses that he likes him back in high school and the way he once again isn't showing any feelings with his face while finally having a real, honest conversation with the guy he's been in love with for years are the biggest examples of this.

♾ khluen does not know how to express his feelings in a way that other people want while being very honest and direct about them

he is self-admittedly "bad at talking and expressing himself" (to allistics, i'd like to add, because i understand him quite easily). when he is asked how he felt when he fell in love, he very seriously answers "i felt love, what else was i supposed to feel?" because there is a bit of a disconnect between what he's actually feeling and how to put it into more words - he directly states that he is in love and isn't sure what else he could say otherwise. in connection with expressing feelings (in a way that allistics do) being something that is difficult and overwhelming to khluen, he also says that he is "stupid when it comes to love" (and unfortunately "hates himself for it", which fuck the world for making the boy feel like the way he expresses himself is wrong).

♾ khluen is afraid of hurting other people because he does not fully understand their boundaries and implications

khluen is very acute to any discomfort or annoyance that he might cause to the point of being anxious about making someone uncomfortable at the smallest sign of it (e.g. one of the characters mentions he is bothered by strangers shipping khluen and him, and khluen is afraid it could somehow be his fault). when his friend (jokingly, according to her) tells him that "he shouldn't be with anyone [romantically]" precisely because of his misunderstanding of other people's signs, he takes it to heart, echoing the sentiment as potentially true multiple times throughout the series. there are several moments in the drama when he cries at the thought of having hurt someone else emotionally because that was not his intention at all, and there is even one time when a character calls him out on the "emotional damage that he has caused", to which khluen desperately responds that "he means well", while not really understanding what he has done wrong in the first place. khluen also apologizes all the time, many times, for anything and everything he can, almost always feeling like he's not quite doing or saying the right thing.

♾ there are certain things that other characters say about khluen which give us an idea of how he is perceived by society in general and those he is close to

people mention on multiple occasions that he seems proud and cold. one character says that he feels like khluen is "judging him with his eyes", while khluen is very confused at the comment, as he is just standing there, looking at the character normally. the same character says khluen is "tight-lipped and likes to make stoic faces". one of khluen's friends says that "people are afraid to approach him". she also says that he is "book-smart but otherwise a dumbass", with the latter part referring to the way in which he doesn't understand other people's signs well and also doesn't express himself in a way that most people (read: allistics) understand.

however, there are two characters who percieve khluen very differently from the rest, and i think this contrast is incredibly important for the bigger picture. the first one is khluen's mother, who is a lovely woman and a great parent. though she does not directly state anything antonymous to what i've described in the previous paragraph, she does understand khluen's signals very well and also clearly perceives him as the opposite of what the majority of characters describe him as. another one is khluen's best friend who he has known for years, noel, who once again does not directly wax poetic about khluen, but who supports him in a genuinely helpful and understanding way (e.g. he suggests khluen should go to the bar where his crush is, but when they actually go there and noel notices the first signs of discomfort, he explicitly apologizes for taking him there and asks if they should leave). needless to say, neither of the characters ever expresses any opinion that is even remotely close to what is described in the first paragraph of this section.

♾ other facts about khluen include...

... him often being unintentionally funny by just saying what he means; his best friend pointing out that he overthinks all his social interactions; him being praised for his acting skills (which duh - so much practice with masking); sunflowers likely being his special interest; and (though this is debatable as the camera angles don't allow to say this for sure) he seems to rock back and forth to calm himself down in stressful situations.

closing statement

i believe i have provided all the information i could on why i not only personally headcanon khluen as autistic, but genuinely consider it canon, despite simultaneously being sure that this was not deliberate on the part of the writers (and unfortunately we often get the best, most authentic representation when allistic writers don't realize that the label "autism" is attached to it). that being said, i would pay anything to interview the writers on their process of creating the character and also see how the director dealt with chen on set, because khluen is seemingly unintentionally one of the most relatable autistic characters i've ever seen on screen.

as promised, @sparklyeyedhimbo

[nepentheisms]

Trimax Volume 8 has one of my favorite Vash quotes in it.

"Only the victims of violence can truly describe its essence."

Really, this whole exchange with Knives that happens in the first chapter of this volume sounds very Buddhist in its language. I'll do my best to parse out some of the concepts I think are at play here, but I should make it clear that I do not have as extensive a personal history with Buddhism as I do with Christianity. I was raised Christian growing up, but my experience as a Chinese-American kid with immigrant parents meant a lot of early childhood exposure to works of fiction with Buddhist themes (think Journey to the West). Also, because we lived in an area with a sizeable population of east and southeast asian immigrants, I developed a surface level familiarity with Buddhist iconography and terminology thanks to friends who were raised Buddhist and regular encounters with Buddhist artwork in local businesses. The rest of my knowledge comes from informal self-study. If anyone out there has more relevant experience in this field, feel free to correct me if I get anything wrong.

Here we go: LONG POST AHEAD

What first caught my attention was Knives' word choice - "I was enlightened." I'm curious what word in the Japanese text was translated as "enlightened" here. A lot of foundational Buddhist literature was written in Sanskrit, and the Sanskrit word that is often translated into English as "enlightenment" is bodhi. This word carries connotations of waking up and coming into awareness and knowledge. In Japanese, the words I've seen for this concept are satori and kenshō.

According to Thomas Cleary, who translated many pieces of Zen Buddhist literature throughout his career, kenshō is the "Zen insight into the essence of one's own being," and satori is "complete kenshō" (1) . Kenshō is written using the Chinese characters 見 (jiàn) which means "see" and 性 (xìng) which means "nature" or "character." This is of particular interest for the above panels, because Knives is saying his pain "revealed [his] true self," and he wants humans to likewise look within to confront the reality of what they are.

Now, at this point in the story, it's pretty clear that Knives' ideas about both who he is and the nature of humanity as a whole are flawed. He's insisting that he has attained enlightenment - some transcendent insight into reality - but from a Buddhist perspective, he's very far off the mark because his mindset was skewed from the start. In fact, Vash gives a keen diagnosis of how Knives is going wrong when he says "We've suffered, but you bottled it up, keeping yourself from feeling the pain and never finding the true source of it." Vash's point is that after obtaining the knowledge of humanity's capacity for evil, Knives only sought to avoid further pain at all cost instead of seeking a deeper understanding of how he's been hurt. The conclusion Knives drew was "the fundamental nature of humans is that they are a threat to me, and they are my inferiors. If they cause pain to me, it is because of their inherent evil, and the only way I can eliminate the potential for suffering is by killing them all." But contrary to Knives' perspective, the path out of suffering in the enlightened Buddhist perspective isn't through forcibly imposing your will on the rest of world until you've destroyed everything that could hurt you.

Instead, Buddhism considers dukkha (suffering) the first of the Four Noble Truths and emphasizes that we should accept the reality that as finite beings in a world constantly in flux, unpleasant emotions and experiences will always find us. There always will be elements outside of our control, but we don't have to allow the hurt they cause to create persistent negative states of being. What we need to do is to not run away from suffering but to understand the cause of it (find "the true source of it" as Vash says) and develop an awareness of how it arises within us - this is the second Noble Truth, called samudhaya. In Buddhism, the origin of suffering is linked to desire and attachment, and Buddhist philosophy posits that by following the fourth Noble Truth, known as the Noble Eightfold Path, the practitioner can experience the third Noble Truth, nirodha (cessation of the desires giving rise to suffering).

With the way Knives currently is, this cessation is something that'll be out of reach for him even if he succeeds in his goals, because he hasn't reckoned with the fear and need for control that is motivating him. He can't complete the path to enlightenment, because his view of the path is obscured by self-delusion. Knives constantly acts as though his goals and feelings are the only ones that matter, but suppose he does realize his vision and kill every human being on the planet. What then? Isn't he effectively alone since there is no one else around that he considers his equal? And where does all the hate that he has purposely cultivated for over a century go? It's doubtful that he'd be able to let go of his attachment to such emotions so easily.

(1): The Thomas Cleary book I'm referencing is Kensho: The Heart of Zen

[ejzah]

Secrets and Lies, Part 9

***

Deeks slipped out of the master bedroom, checking one more time that the hallway was empty. A very small part of him almost hoped that he’d run into Forthright, giving him the opportunity to knock him out. Deeks might not have the physical defense training Kensi did, but he figured he could take Bennett without too much trouble. Especially with a couple drinks in the man.

He knew Kensi didn’t need him to defend her; it would certainly make him feel better though after listening to Bennett’s disgusting attempts to flirt with her. Hopefully once he found her, they’d be able to make excuses and escape.

As he cut back through kitchen, he saw Lisa Forthright speaking with one of the waitstaff.

“And can you check on the pancetta? It looked a little low. Thank you.” She turned to face Deeks, seeming unsurprised to see him there. “Marty, I was hoping to run into you.”

“Lisa.” He offered her an ingratiating smile. “I’d love to, but I lost track of Natalie and I don’t think she was feeling the best.”

“This will just take a minute,” Lisa insisted, patting his arm, and based on her expression, she wouldn’t be taking no for an answer.

“Ok.” Deeks let her take his arm again and hoped that this latest tour wouldn’t take too long. God forbid she wanted to attempt a seduction of her own, because he did not have the patience or energy for it.

She took him into a small library, equipped with a fireplace, a couple wall-mounted bookshelves, and several chairs. Deeks had never been in this particular room, which made sense. It was too cozy for Bennett’s taste.

“Well, this is clandestine. You’re going to have me in hot water with Natalie,” he said. He dropped his voice a couple notches. “She can be a little jealous.”

“Well, then it’s a good thing I have no interest in in trying to encroach on your relationship.” Running her hand along a row of books, she turned back to face him, the haze of alcohol gone from her eyes. “I’ll be blunt, Marty, I saw you go into my husband’s office.”

“Lisa, I don’t know—”

“You’re my husband’s lawyer. Unless you were attempting to steal something, I’d guess you were searching for something very specific and dangerous for you if Bennett found out,” she continued. It was startlingly direct and Deeks found himself impressed, even as he sized her up as an unexpected opponent. His eyes flicked around the room and she told him,

“Don’t worthy there aren’t any cameras in here. Bennett doesn’t spend enough time in this part of the house to monitor it.”

“In the event your theory was correct, what would you want in return for your silence? Like you said, I’m a lawyer. I don’t have access to much of anything you’d want,” he said.

Lisa smiled, the expression so bitter, Deeks couldn’t help but feel a little sorry for her. “My husband thinks I’m a stupid, vapid woman only concerned with how I look, shopping, and flirting with pretty men,” she began. Lifting her chin, she shook her hair back, earrings jingling. “Most of his friends believe the same. Usually that works in my favor.” She paused, folding her fingers together as she looked slightly beyond Deeks. When she refocused on him again, her gaze was fierce. “I may not be a lawyer or the brightest woman her today, but I’m not stupid.”

“I’m sure,” Deeks agreed softly. “I apologize if I ever made you feel that way.”

She shook her head, waving dismissively as she started to pace between the bookshelves. “When I first married Bennett, I was incredibly naive and he dazzled me with his money and power. I didn’t know enough to question anything he did or the people he knew.”

“Twelve years later, I know my husband. He’s cheated on me more times than I can count. He’s also an incredibly cruel man,” she continued. Deeks must have shown some concern, because she quickly assured him, “He’s never hurt me. I know how to appease him and stay out of his way.” She offered a sad smile. “He’s don’t terrible things for money and doesn’t care who he harms. The world would probably be a better place if he was stopped.”

“What exactly are you asking me to do?” Deeks asked.

“Let me help you,” she said. “Whatever it is you’re looking for, let me help you find it.”

“You know your world might change,” he warned her. Maybe it was foolish to put doubt in her mind, but it only seemed right. As far as he could tell, Lisa had never been directly involved in any of Bennett’s wrongdoings. She didn’t deserve to have her entire life change so drastically.

“I do. Don’t worry, I have provisions in place. Like I said, I’m a lot smarter than most people give me credit for.”

“Assuming I am trying to find information on your husband, how do you plan to access it?”

“Bennett’s golfing with a client tomorrow. If you drop in sometime around noon, I bet you might find it beneficial.” She walked over to him, and took his hand, squeezing it tightly. “I hope I see you, Marty.”

Then she was gliding out of the room, leaving him alone in this middle of the library.

“What the hell was that?” Kensi exclaimed in his ear. He shook his head, completely at a loss.

“Honestly, I’m not sure. This might be about to blowup in our faces.”

***

A/N: So, how do we feel about this surprise?

[linkspooky]

I've followed this blog for years now. What I find most interesting about your analysis is how you tie "revenge is bad" back to your Bad Victims TM stuff. Now, I still enjoy straight revenge stories but I think you helped me enjoy deconstructions/cycle of revenge tales even more than I like the simple stuff. As a convert, I want to ask a meta meta question: how do you feel about people who use straight revenge stories as catharsis?

Well, the idea of Catharsis ties into my bad victims stuff TM. On one hand I dislike straightforward revenge stories where revenge is the solution to the problem and not the problem in and of itself. On the other hand, like I went to great length to explain with Yun, I hate denying the sympathy to a victim who's been pushed so far that seeking revenge is their only means of coping.

In the first place, like I said revenge tends to follow protagonist centered morality. When a protagonist does it, it's justice, when an antagonist does it, it's revenge and they need to let go. Telling someone to let go without acknowledging their hurt feelings and doing something to address those or even reaching out to try to show them another way is incredibly dismissive of those feelings.

Shadow of Kyoshi tells us that revenge is bad, but punishing Yun in the form of putting him down like a mad dog before he hurts anyone else is okay. As I said, what exactly is the difference here between punishment and revenge? Where's the fairness in letting Yun's abusers redeem themselves but deciding that Yun is too far gone to live on. Like hmm, maybe the reason his abusers want to seek redemption and Yun doesn't is because they weren't regularly abused by all their teachers then abandoned nearly killed, dragged into the spirit world for weeks and then denied help when they finally escaped.

Yun has to deal with all the trauma his abusers inflicted on him whereas, his abusers just have to deal with their own personal feelings of guilt. To prioritize their feelings and well-being over the pain of the person they hurt, and criticize Yun's response to his abuse is incredibly tone deaf of the book. If I saw my friend siding with my abusers and insisting that I was the problem I definitely wouldn't want to back down.

All of this to say there is an element to catharsis in every revenge story, to strike back at the people who hurt you. I also think it's wrong to insist victims be morally pure and blame them for lashing out. Especially for people like Kohaku and Yun where they have been pushed so far that revenge is the only thing that's giving them a reason to still live.

I also feel like it's incredibly tragic that Kohaku in particular can't envision any future for herself, or any escape from the pain of being a doll and the only way out of her situation is to hurt others. That Yun feels like all of the things he suffered were for nothing, and his dreams of helping people are all pointless and the only thing he can get is justice upon those who hurt something. That Yun is so damaged he threw away his desire to help people, which was a very significant part of who he is. It's the same with Kohaku, she's a very loving protector, she loves Akiha and Hisui very much but not only does she resolve to kill Akiha (something that ultimately destroys her in the long run) but she also has decided that Hisui is better off without her.

All of this to say that catharsis is an important element of any tragedy. Either individuals seeking catharsis, or the catharsis that's brought about by watching someone like Kohaku or Yun give into anguish and despair. The catharsis of seeing your own internal pain represented on stage. The catharsis of seeing characters lash out like you wish you could, or the catharsis of seeing a character react in a very human way and fall apart when we are often told that we have to be strong at all times and swallow our grief.

Tragedies operate on the principal of catharsis, this is outlined very well in Aristotle's poetics.

Catharsis is a metaphor used to describe the effects of true tagedy on the spectator (derived from the ter katharsis meaning purgation or pufication). The purpose of tragedy is to arouse "terror and pity" and thereby effect the catharsis of these emotions.

While purging something means getting rid of it, purifying something means getting rid of the worse or baser parts of it. It is possible that tragedy purifies the feelings themselves of fear and pity. These arise in us from the frustration of our real lives and the emotions we cannot cope with, which we then can vicariously experience through the characters in the stories we tell.

The catharsis in a revenge tragedy comes from both the horror we feel about the circumstances that pushed a person to their revenge, Yun's abuse by his teachers who he was so desperate to please, Kohaku's years of sexual abuse she had to endure to protect her sister. While at the same time it evokes pity for the people who are lashing out. Even if you condemn Kohaku for hurting others, most people's response is to want her to stop hurting otheres and swaddle her in a warm blanket instead. In fact Kohaku's ending is so sad, because both the reader and Shiki don't want to see a longeterm victim of sexual abuse kill herself because she believes there's no hope in living.

So even when revenge is temporarily satisfying in these stories and evokes catharsis, it's purging you of ugly emotions not positive ones. It's validating to see the hate and anger acted out by characters on the stage, but that's not like a good way to deal with your problems. Most revenge stories have characters at least partially succeed with their revenge. The count of monte cristo takes out most of his targets. Yun successfully kills Jianzhu. Kohaku is able to murder both of her rapists. Toya reveals his abuser's crimes on live television. Then it usually escalates to the revenge spiraling out of control, the Count almost kills a baby, Yun attacks a friend's mother (and he was right for that), Kohaku kills Akiha. Toya blames and decides to hurt Shoto who is completely innocent out of envy.

That's a tragedy though, you asked about the catharsis of watching straightforward revenge stories that don't depict the part two. That begin and end with the revenge, where revenge is the solution. Stories like Kill Bill or Maki Zen'in killing the Zen'in Clan where revenge is depicting as empowering.

I don't really have a problem with those stories even if they don't personally interest me. I definitely understand the enjoyment and escapist fantasy of being Toya and being able to hurt your abusers right back especially in a world where most abusers just get to walk away from what they did with little consequence. I also think there's a fine line between like, revenge, and just standing up for yourself and fighting back against your abusers and people confuse the latter for the former. They also get too preachy and expect victims to remain morally pure, and condemn any fighting back even when it's necessary for their survival.

I watch horror movies and my favorite genre of horror is slasher. Horror movies are known for their weirdly regressive politics at time. When I watch a horror movie I don't think that teens who have sex are morally impure and should be punished. I watch horror movies for catharsis too, to purge myself of fear. Not every slasher movie I watch is a deep analysis of horror, like say how The Shining has a lot to say about addiction and domestic violence. Sometimes I am just watching to see a bunch of teenagers get hunted down by a guy in a mask.

This is again a readily recognizable dramatic form, called the horror story, or in a recent fashion, the mad-slasher movie. The thrill of fear is the primary object of such amusements, and the story alternates between the build-up of apprehension and the shock of violence. Again, as with the tear-jerker, it doesn’t much matter whether it ends happily or with uneasiness, or even with one last shock, so indeterminate is its form. And while the tearjerker gives us an illusion of compassionate delicacy, the unrestrained shock-drama obviously has the effect of coarsening feeling. Genuine human pity could not co-exist with the so-called graphic effects these films use to keep scaring us. The attraction of this kind of amusement is again the thrill of strong feeling, and again the price of indulging the desire for that thrill may be high. [SOURCE]

Of course there's also the matter of genre and expectations. When I'm watching a horror story, I know what I'm getting into. I'm not bothered to see victims like Junpei die in Jujutsu Kaisen (even though I've written like a massive fanfiction AU where he lives) because I know I'm reading a horror story. Whereas, My Hero Academia killing its victims is incredibly tone deaf because it's supposed to be an optimistic manga about heroes saving people.

This is Jujutsu Kaisen, this is the manga gege would write if he were allowed to write in a seinen magazine.

Kyoshi killing Yun doesn't work at all because it clashes with the tone. The same book goes to great extents to redeem one of Yun's abusers who is an adult who chose to do all those things, but at the same time doesn't offer Yun the same chance, an orphaned child. It even comes off as punching down, because Kyoshi who we're supposed to believe is an ally to crimminals and outcasts like Daofei and grew up poor murders another orphaned child while giving a privileged rich noble lady like Hei-Ran a chance to redeem herself.

It's ridiculous that Endeavor faces no legal consequences except being forced to retire due to a career ending injury and still has the support of all of his sidekicks, Hawks and his wife, while Toya doesn't get the chance to redeem himself and gets a slow horrific death while hooked up to life support. Toya who was once again, a child, who was homeless and living on the streets for years while Endeavor was an extremely rich man and made the decision to purchase a bride and abuse his family as an adult.

Honestly, even though I'm against straightforward revenge I was rooting for Toga to kill Hawks because there was no other way he was going to face any consequences for his actions.

If I'm watching The Princess Bride I cheer when Inigo Montoya kills his enemy because I know I'm watching a fairy tale. Kill Bill is my least favorite Tarantino Movie (my favorite is Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, second favorite Inglorious Bastards) but I understand the appeal of people who do like it.

If people want to watch a simple revenge story for Catharsis that's totally fine. My tastes aren't much better my favorite genre of horror is slasher. On the other hand I think the problem arises when people who only watch stories for their personal catharsis or escapism don't allow room for other people's interpretations.

Like, if you don't think Azula deserves redemption because you deeply empathize with the way that she hurt Zuko go ahead. I don't have the right to tell you how to feel about certain characters. Abuse is also a touchy subject and the definition of abuse depends from person to person.

However, if I'm making a logical argument based upon the text Azula would make a logical next step in Zuko's redemption because one, the writing goes out of its way to show that Zuko had a support system in Iroh and the others and Azula never had that same support system. Two, it's a parallel for Iroh redeeming himself by coming to care for Zuko and being that support. Three, it's Zuko showing his emotional growth by giving someone else the chance to redeem themselves just like he was shown that chance. Four one of Azula's main writers Aaron Ehasz literally said that's what they would have written if they got a season 4 greenlit.

If you come onto my post and be like "No, I don't think Azula deserves redemption. Zuko doesn't owe her shit." I can't argue with that.

That's just like... your opinion man.

So, if you read straight up revenge stories for catharsis, I am glad you are reading something that makes you happy. If it helps you feel validated for your emotions then that's great! I just think everyone should be mindful of the fact that people look for different things in stories. I personally don't just read stories for what makes me feel good, I like stories that challenge you. Which is why I like the idea of Zuko having to learn to forgive Azula, because it's more challenging than the simple answer of "Zuko should just cut all the abusers out of his life." If you think that Zuko should be able to cut her off though like I said that's just like your opinion man.

[rekaspbrak]

thanks to my rewatch of Loki I’ve just been reminded how much I’m annoyed by (mostly) fellow Lokius shippers that insist Sylvie is problematic, abusive, toxic, rude to Loki and that she only used Loki for her own gain.

(And that’s coming from a person who also enjoys Lokius and I’m tired of fellow shippers pretending it’s not misogyny when it actually clearly is)

Are we really in any position to claim any of that when Mobius did the exact same if not even worse things to Loki?

Whether you want to acknowledge it or not, Loki was indeed used by him. The sole reason why Loki is alive, the sole reason why Mobius recruited Loki was for his own benefit. He needed to apprehend the variant that posed a threat to the stability of the multiverse and was eliminating their forces. Coming across Loki was a happy accident and in it, he saw the opportunity to finally capture that variant. Sure, he might have been fascinated by Loki’s nature and perhaps even harbored hopes that this partnership might work out for him even better than anticipated, but the main and primary reason why he even recruited him was to use him.

In fact, he explicitly stated in subsequent episodes that if Loki refused to cooperate, he wouldn't hesitate to prune him. He warned Loki that his survival hinged upon his willingness to comply.

He can be ruthless and manipulative to get what he wants and will not hesitate to take any means necessary to reach his goal. Mobius was not reluctant to strike at Loki's most vulnerable areas.

He’s smart enough to identify Loki’s weaknesses, and one of them is his affection for his mother. When he told him Loki killed his mother, while not entirely incorrect since Frigga’s death was an unintentional consequence of Loki’s actions, he aimed to shatter Loki emotionally and provoke a reaction. It's a classic tactic of emotional manipulation designed to coerce Loki into compliance.

He used a similar strategy in episode 4 where he deceived Loki, manipulated him into thinking that Sylvie, someone Mobius suspected Loki had grown close to, had been killed.  Then, he proceeded to taunt Loki, who was visibly distressed by his lies, all in an effort to provoke a response from him.

The finale made it evident that Mobius lacks physical combat skills, rendering him incapable of directly engaging in fights. Therefore, to gain an advantage over Loki, Mobius relies on identifying his vulnerabilities and exploiting them.

He can use the TimeTwister for when Loki misbehaves and controls him like a dog, or, he can throw him in a memory loop cell, subjecting him to both verbal and physical abuse for an indeterminate period, so basically someone else does that job for him.

That action in particular is something I noticed a lot of you tend to ignore. At this point, Mobius and Loki had already formed a camaraderie. It might not have been a full-fledged friendship just yet, but they were clearly on their way to becoming friends. Mobius was hurt that Loki decided to stab him in the back and destroy his trust in him by doing the exact thing he shouldn’t - running off with the Variant, even if that was for a good cause.

For Loki, Mobius risked a great deal: his own job, the friendship and trust of Ravonna, the trust placed in him and even Ravonna by the Time Keepers, and possibly even his own life. He had enough faith in Loki to believe that Loki wouldn't betray him and run off at the first opportunity.  And Loki betrayed that trust when he went after the mysterious Variant.

When Loki and Sylvie were captured by the TVA, it wasn’t jealousy that Loki had feelings for Sylvie that drove him (even though we like to headcanon that, we have to keep in mind Loki and Mobius’ relationship wasn’t written as romantic). Instead, it was his anger and resentment that stemmed from placing so much trust in Loki, only to have him do the very thing Mobius had believed he wouldn't.

Then, despite the fact that there was already some camaraderie between them, and despite the fact that Loki genuinely meant well, Mobius in his anger, completely dismissed the possibility of Loki being honest with him. He outright declared that he no longer needed Loki and, to make matters worse, he threw him into the Time Loop cell where he knew Loki would endure repeated instances of physical assault.

I know that some of you like to argue, “oh, well at least he didn’t choose a worse memory! He clearly cares about him then!” but honestly, that’s just very questionable and just....uh?

The reason Mobius selected that memory was because he knew Lady Sif would inflict repeated physical pain upon Loki and because of what Lady Sif says to him during that loop. She hurls insults at him, calling him a "conniving, craven, pathetic worm" and that he deserves to be alone for the rest of eternity.

Mobius made the conscious decision to throw Loki into the Time Loop cell, despite the budding friendship between them, despite the budding trust, despite everything that happened and was perfectly fine with that.

It wasn't because Mobius was manipulated by the TVA or forced to do this; he did it of his own accord. He chose to punish Loki and because he wanted to use him, break him to extract info out of him. Because he refused to believe Loki’s words.

I’m shocked that so many of you overlook that and pretend it didn’t happen, because as much as I love Mobius and their dynamic, what Mobius did in that particular episode alone was more severe than anything Sylvie did to Loki throughout the entire season.

In the span of a few minutes, Mobius:

insulted Loki, called him an asshole, bad friend and compared him to a cockroach

mocked his feelings to provoke him

lied to him that someone Loki cared about had been killed, manipulating his emotions for a reaction

despite Loki’s genuine intentions, he refused to listen to him

he bluntly stated that Loki was no longer of any use to him 

he threw Loki into a place where he would endure physical, verbal, and emotional abuse, intentionally subjecting him to suffering

through his actions, Mobius reinforced the idea that Loki deserves to be alone, (just as Loki was in the process of forming actual, meaningful relationships with at least two people; Mobius and Sylvie, Mobius goes and punishes Loki by reminding him he deserves to be alone)

and despite all of that, he still expected Loki to provide him with information, meaning he did all of that because he still intended to use him for his own benefit

Eventually, Mobius did go on a bit of a personal investigation and discovered that Loki had been telling the truth. However, by the time he discovered the truth, the damage had already been done, and Loki had already been hurt.

In short, he made a conscious decision to hurt Loki in every way imaginable to get what he wanted. 

The series showed that Mobius was aware that there was a possibility that Loki might be telling the truth. However, his anger, stubbornness and unwavering certainty in his own righteousness blinded him from considering the possibility that Loki could be right.

Again, I like Mobius very much and I like Lokius as well, but jesus christ guys, some of you need to take a step back from solely blaming Sylvie as the worst person ever when Mobius did the exact same things. If not even worse, because unlike Mobius, Sylvie at least never manipulated Loki into thinking his feelings were invalid, never claimed that his mother had died because of him, never tricked him into believing that someone he cared about had been murdered.

Sylvie never subjected Loki to a memory loop filled with continuous verbal insults reminding him that he is oh, just the worst and that he deserves the life of loneliness for the rest of eternity, all the while he also suffered physical pain.

You’re free to have personal preferences and to dislike a ship or a character, but for the love of Lord stop claiming Sylvie is abusive and toxic and what not, when our own ship is just as flawed if not even more flawed. 

Sylvie did this, she did that, but where’s that same vitriol for Mobius? Why are you only coming after the woman? They both did bad shit that hurt Loki, but some of you only see Sylvie’s actions and pretend Mobius was nothing but supportive of Loki the entire time, which is wrong and disgusting. No, Mobius and Lokius is not better than Sylvie and Sylki and it’s time for some of you to accept that.

I like Mobius and I like Lokius but I’m tired of being called a misogynist because of some of you who cannot accept the fact that Mobius has committed and inflicted just as many (if not more) morally questionable things as Sylvie.

And the worst thing is that those who call this misogyny are actually right.

Mobius is a good, compelling character and will likely prove to be a good friend to Loki in Season 2, but he’s not innocent either. He can be manipulative. He can be horrible. He can be brutal to get what he wants. Yes, even to Loki.

Even Loki acknowledged that, so why can’t you?