#there are times that im super depressed though and it makes me feel really hopeless. im doing good now though. just angry to cope i guess

[cptnbeefheart]

need to complain for a sec hehe

really upsetting when i come into work feeling refreshed because i was finally able to unwind for the first night after a week of working. I feel prepared to have a good day and check off all the remaining things on my weekly to-do list for the first time in a whole week ! but after sitting down and looking around at all of the incomplete work on my desk, or having coworkers come up to me and ask for updates on projects i was supposed to have finished for them a week ago, or having my boss remind me of what not to do.. i just feel guilty for not having done my best that week. its really stupid because i guess it all comes from assessing my self worth based on the work im getting done.  and how i should just be grateful that i have a job where i can sit down all day. which is all an objectively stupid mentality, probably conjured by capitalists to guilt me into overworking and undervaluing myself. but its soul crushing! i understand that billions of people are working jobs that they could not care less about, and that i’ll be doing this for the rest of my life. it just really upsets me. when im on the clock im thinking about all the art i want to be creating, all the video games i could be playing, all the shows i could be watching etc.. I find it difficult to have energy for my interests when i AM off the clock. i dont have a physical labor job, im looking at a computer screen all day. so why do i feel so exhausted when i come home from work? so much that i cant do any of my interests (which usually help me unwind and feel better !!) !!!!!!

[fictionfixations]

MAJOR UNTIL THEN SPOILERS

been watching tuonto play until then

I dont know what it is I mean. i joined the streams without any context (well listen i was there for the start. did not know it was but i saw like ryan and mark at the laptop and louise coming over and reveal of her playing games. except i didnt know who they were at the time lOl. thought it was cool but wasnt keeping up with it. then i ended up on the stream where nicole brings us to visit her grandparents and they're just fighting and it was raining and then theres the reveal with mark's mom being dead [well missing but]. and then we went to prom and cathy died and im just like what the fuck.)

but so i didnt really know what was going on but i still kinda cared? but like. so cathy died. and i did not cry. i was just 'what the fuck' and. like. a lot of surprise. and shock. (i was also thinking that maybe if we didnt go after her she wouldn't have died because she was walking towards us on the road. i also didnt know that apparently you can disappear when it rains if nobodys there to acknowledge that you are there and that you exist. i think. so uhm. i still wonder what wouldve happened if we turned back to see our mom though. or if we stopped.)

but so anyway. i did go back to watch all the until then streams after that. with all the context involved (did not see ending of cathy admitting that her homelife.. isnt that great. because that wasnt streamed yet. admitting in a recording i mean cause shes dead. but a chatter said that it was implied that they probably were abusive, and pointing out the marks on her skin cause her dress was like ripped in that slowed shot of her walking towards us.)

but i already knew what happened so shrug (it was very cool though. even though i was also rewatching scenes id seen before it didnt feel old at all. very invested.)

you know what got me crying?

THIS stupid scene in the other timeline where they're acting for ridel. about two ppl who havent seen each other for awhile. and the

memories of cathy actually being dead just came into this one and i just fucking bawled im being literal

(we dont see the memories actually affect us, its just a thing that we know. mark doesnt know cathy died he just. feelings. and also he got a hallucination of the truck..)

i dont know why but sad shit has been making me cry more than usual.

marks just starts crying and im already sobbing my eyes out like no you cant do this to me you 😭

anyway. i missed a bunch of the streams and not wanting to go them out of order ive been waiting to watch it all at once (also he apparently finished the game so now i really gotta go faster. i think i have like. a stream and a half to watch now.)

but so i dont know the ending pls dont spoil me

i just wanna say. god this game is so cool.

also i mightve been slacking off cause it seemed this timeline mightve been a worse timeline. and im like the kind of person to be like in fiction 'what if that person was me' and so i get super immersed. which also means i get all the shitty feelings too. so i was kinda worried. but its.. okay?

mark. just. kinda seems depressed though. like uh. more depressed?

i saw someone describe it as him having kind of given up (i also think his grades are worse? it didn't show us what his grades were but the principal mentioned that he needed to study more or he'll have to be kicked out or something which wasn't in the first run through)

and tbh. that mightve been because cathy just. died. which isnt really something you can just get over even if its been awhile. it still hurts, still something that lingers. an unexpected pain. or at least, a scar.

like. i cant imagine how hopeless it must've felt to be right there. to watch her die and be unable to stop it. and like. obviously since this is a mark who has also gone through that and is now in this timeline (although doesnt remember).. a part of him is still kinda feeling that loss, and also having done all this before that makes it feel pointless. and like he shouldnt try as hard, cause whats the point, right? what does it matter?

anyway im sad. im going to go back to watching the stream. (also cathy is my favorite i love her so much sduifhfeuhds

[oncamelliastreet]

how are you doing today :)

if i’m being completely honest: absolutely awful.

today was my first day back at school and it was the worst. i’m not talking to a lot of my “friends” (read:all but one) because they’ve all collectively shown me that they’re not great friends, and i don’t like to surround myself with negative people, but unfortunately at my school that’s pretty much everyone so it just makes for a very lonely day. and plus my best friend has cancelled on hanging out with me 3 times in the last week, and we were supposed to do something thursday this week but she cancelled yet again this morning because she spontaneously has to go to a theme park thursday :( and also whenever i talked to her today i could tell she wasn’t really listening, or we would be hanging out with her boyfriends friends and one of them very clearly doesn’t like me so i felt so awkward everytime i tried to participate in convo…

and my school is changing a bunch of their policies even though everything was completely fine last year, so now we can’t even use our phones in the halls during pass period because if they’re seen they’ll get taken, we’re not allowed to listen to music during class, the only time we’re allowed to have them out is during lunch. and ik a lot of schools are doing that but it’s still super annoying because as a queer person in a catholic, homophobic, sexist school filled with homophobic, racist, sexist students, i’m not very interested in making new friends, so i’m just extra lonely and i really have to sit in my loneliness now. and they changed our lunch system so there’s only two lunches instead of three, so it’s extra crowded and they had to open up a whole new room for people to sit in because it’s not big enough, and it’s an unorganized mess

plus, i have chronic migraines, so i woke up with a headache because i was clenching my jaw from stress all night, so i had a really bad headache all day and it felt like my head was just gonna roll off and i literally almost passed out like 3 times because i would get so dizzy when i stood up. i came home and went straight to bed with an ice pack, so its better now, but that was still very not fun and i won’t be surprised if it hurts again tomorrow :/

and…idk. i just hate the school year in general. it’s so hopeless to get home in the afternoon and feel like i can’t start anything because the whole day is done. by the time i find the motivation to do what i enjoy, it’s already 9 o’clock and i don’t feel like starting something like writing just to stop in a couple hours. or i’ll do it and stay up and then i’m so exhausted in the morning so i feel like im dying. i really wanna leave this school, but im staying because they have one of the best art programs in the country. senior year i might just give up.

and i don’t really get to relax for the rest of the week, tomorrow i have therapy (which i definitely need but i really hate doing things after school during the school week), wednesday i have to go wedding dress shopping with my sister pretty far away so ill probably get home from school, leave, and then come back and go to bed which will definitely make me feel like shit, thursday i have nothing thank god. and then i have friday off because it’s a holiday weekend but i have to move my sister into her dorm, and that will be depressing as fuck because she’s literally my best friend in the world and we have a really small age gap between us so we’ve always been super close and i’m gonna miss her like crazy. so.

sorry, i dumped all my problems on you :/ how was your day? hopefully better <3 thanks for asking

[tinywitchgoblin]

Hey wassup, I’m delusional (and insane) and I saw your past posts, so which bad batch member would you ship me with?

Im Hispanic (Dunno if that’s important lol). Brown curly hair and brown eyes. Tan skin but I have low iron so I kinda look pale but not too pale. I got two little moles on my chin that I’m insecure about but sometimes I’m confident about them. I’m 5’5. I struggle with anxiety but I’m coping with my depression, I occasionally have really bad depressive episodes. I’m bipolar. Sometimes I act so confident in myself and other times I get insecure and try to hide my stomach.

Some things about me is that I love to write and make poetic shit, like I will sound like a insane hopeless romantic. I like to use cheesy pick up lines when I get comfortable enough. Music is my life and savior. Will legit make a whole playlist or CD dedicated to someone. I LOVE to dance to literally anything, usually if I try to get someone to dance with me is because I just wanna have fun with someone and be able to laugh and feel alive. Dancing is just a way to express myself and have someone alongside me. I love painting, cooking and reading. I adore romantic poetry. My friends consider me as the mom of the group. I’m loyal and I’ll always put other before me ( it’s a curse). If you need anything, honey I’m right here like a genie. I hopelessly devote myself to others. I LOVE taking care of others though, maybe it’s because that’s what I’ve been doing for majority of my life.

I Love cinema. Like deeply love cinema. I’m always up for a night or day full of movies and shows and being lazy on the couch or bed. My definition of Netflix and chill is to literally Netflix and chill, we are watching movies only! Will use quotes from movies on a daily basis and expect someone to get it and finish the quote. Kind of a introverted but I can be social if I know enough people in one space. I’m always up for adventure and thrill in life, like wanna go on a roller coaster? Heck yeah. Wanna dance? Aint gotta ask me twice. Try new things? Might be nervous but I’m up for it.

My standards for love and a relationship can be described as Melanie Martínez’s song High School Sweethearts.

Alright that’s it. Thank you and have a blessed day! <3

Thanks, you too 💚

I ship you with...

Wrecker!

You'd actually met Omega first, but once she introduced you to her brother Wrecker, the two of you were inseparable. You would write him love letters and make playlists for him, and he would shower you with compliments and support you in every aspect of your life. Once, he tried to write you a romantic poem back because he loved the ones you gave him, but it... didn't go as well as he wanted. When you asked him about it, he told you he wanted to make you feel the happiness he got when you gave him a poem or a playlist, but nothing was working. You reassured him that you felt his love in other ways, that his love was as unique as him.

One of Wrecker's many love languages is quality time, and he wants to spend it all with you. Sometiems you'll end up in the kitchen, attempting a new recipe (or maybe just dancing while some pasta is boiling away in the background). Other times, you're just relaxing on the couch, watching something on Netflix. If you're into it, he'll pull you into his lap and keep you close especially if you're watching a horror movie. Both you and he get super frustrated when Hunter has to drag Wrecker away because he needs help with something, but there's always the promise of hanging out again later.

Wrecker doesn't know much about mental illnesses in the clinical sense like Tech does, but he's really good at not only telling when you're not feeling well, but sussing out what the underlying issue is. He's very in touch with emotions (both his and yours), so he's usually able to tell if you're anxious, depressed, insecure, or any of the above. Wrecker doesn't like seeing you in any type of pain, so he will do anything he can to make you feel better. He'll sit with you, talk with you, make you some good, make sure you take your meds and/or get appointments scheduled (if applicable), etc. He isn't someone who does things halfway, and that includes loving you; making sure you feel your best is only a small fraction of that.

-

Thanks for reading! If you want a ship request like this one, drop it in my ask box, and don't forget to reblog 💚 it may take a little bit, but I'll get to it eventually!

[oops-aquarius]

tainted kisses

summary: steve needs some relaxation, which you provide to him

warnings: smut (!!!!), praise kink, slight degradation kink, a little bit of angst cuz a hoe is sad, oral fixation (duh), slight dom/sub dynamics (?), mentions of sadness/depression, tiny mommy kink (like barely there)

pairing: steve rogers x reader

word count: 2.2k

note(s): not edited well at all, also i used a prompt generator to get the promt i used (which is below !!)

prompt: “baths or water (tubs or jacuzzis; hot springs; water houses or steam rooms; the ocean; swimming pools.”

kink: “Oral fixation or fetishization (lips, tongue, or whole mouth; french-kissing; licking; oral displays using food or beer bottles; smoking cigarettes, cigars, or pipes; biting or chewing one's lip(s))”

--

***this is post-endgame except nobody died, cause im a hoe for all of the avengers***

Steve never realized how much he liked things in his mouth. Not always in a sexual way, at least not until after fighting Thanos.

After fighting for so long, bottling up his emotions was not at all how Steve needed to cope. He tried the yoga and meditation route Wanda had so kindly suggested. Yeah, after one session of hot yoga, Steve decided that it wasn't going to happen. Tony, obviously, suggested sex. Said something about it being a “healing experience for the soul”. That’s bullshit were Steve’s first thoughts when that came out of his mouth. Bucky told him to get some goats and raved about how therapeutic it was to raise them. But Steve could barely take care of himself, how would he even take care of a goat? Steve felt a hot sense of hopelessness burn against the back of his eyes as he sat on the floor of his bedroom, back pressed against the adjoined bathroom door.

“Steve?” A soft knock came from the front door. He took his thumb away from his mouth, he had resorted to subconsciously nibbling on the tip of it. Pulling himself off the door and towards the voice, he rubbed his tear-stricken cheeks in attempts to clean himself up a bit before seeing you.

“One sec, Y/N/N.”

When he opened the door, your face softened a bit before the smile that Steve, secretly, loved so much dropped off your face completely. “Stevie, what happened?”

Stevie, a nickname he hated for his entire life. A name that reminded him of the days before the super solider serum where he was a little guy getting beaten up on the streets of Brooklyn. Stevie, a nickname he loved hearing from your caring voice. Nobody else’s. 

“Just tired, Y/N” he sighed, “so,so tired.”

“Stevie,” your voice caught at the back of your throat. Seeing him in so much pain made your life turn upside down. He doesn't deserve to be in pain. “ S��there anything I can do to make you feel better?”

“Just stay with me? Please?”

You took him back into his bed and sat with him, just talking about life until his breathing turned back to normal and he seemed partially-okay. 

“Do you want to take a bath?” you asked, still stroking the blonde strands of his hair.

“Are you saying I smell?” He took his face out of the crook of your shoulder, feigning a look of hurt.

“No, punk, I meant to relax. You seemed pretty shaken up and I just wanted to help. I mean, that’s what I do when I feel down, relax in a bat-”

He cuts you off, “I appreciate it. Really, Y/N, I don’t know many people that are as loving and caring as you, sweetheart.” The nickname made a pang in your heart. You had like the super solider since you had met him, but never felt like he reciprocated the feelings. Even though you both cuddled often, and had movie nights, and he always let you beat him while sparring, and that one time you came down with a stomach bug and he fed you soup and-holy shit. Did Steve like you? “Sweetheart?”

“Huh?”

“I said, ‘A bath does sound nice’. What’s got you so suddenly zoned out?” He says, donning a smirk.

“It’s nothing. Let’s get you into that bath, mister,” you had a faux grumpy look on your face as you got up and walked to the bathroom, starting to fill the white, ceramic bathtub with warm water. “Okay, big boy. You need help getting up or are you okay?”

Rolling his eyes at your inauthentic tone, Steve pushes his tensed frame off the body and managed to stumble into the bathroom, while you following him closely to make sure he doesn't fall over from exhaustion.

“I get it, I’m old, but damn Y/N. I can walk perfectly fine,” He chuckles as he pushes himself up to sit on the counter top.

You start to fill up the bathtub with warm water, adding bubbles and lighting a few scented candles. He looked so pretty, hair sticking out in every direction, lips pink and puffy from biting them, his ocean blue eyes still misty as he looks down at his cuticles, picking them slightly. 

“Okay, I’m gonna leave so you can take this bath,” you say, shutting off the faucet, “Got it?”

“Y/N?”

“Yes, Stevie.”

“Stay, please.” His eyes were watering more than earlier. He had those puppy dog eyes, lip quivering as his voice cracked and wavered even with just a few words. He looked so vulnerable, how could you say no to him?

“Of course, Steve. I mean, the bubbles with kind of cover everything. I’ll just sit next to the tub with you, alright?” You awkwardly giggled and scratched the back of your neck. He nodded, hopping off of the counter and starting to undress himself with a wobble. “Stevie, you’re shaking like a leaf, let me help you.”

His eyes never met yours as you helped him pull his t-shirt over his head and looped your delicate fingers through the waistband of his sweatpants, dragging them down his muscular thighs. “You’re not gonna finish your job, doll?”

His boxers. The only clothes he had left on were his grey boxers. You wanted to give him privacy and not look, especially in such a broken and vulnerable state. But god, you could see the outline of his partially-hard cock through the soft cotton. You thought about what it would be like to have your mouth around his hard length, chocking on it as he rammed himself into the back of your throat.

“Ummm, I just--I thought--I mean I can---Only if you want--” The dirty thoughts clouded your brain. It made speaking a speaking a sentence almost impossible as your mouth watered just thinking about his cock.

“It was a joke, sweetheart,” he laughed heartily, “You’re too adorable.”

Pulling his boxers down his legs, he waddled tiredly over to the tub before stepping in. He groaned in pleasure at the feeling of the warm water encapsulating his exhausted body. You imagined that’s how he’d groan if you sucked his cock so hard he was seeing stars.

You were still facing the door, like you were as Steve got completely undressed. You knew if you turned around and look at him, naked and at ease, you’d jump his bones in a heartbeat. “Come sit with me, Y/N”

And you did. You turned around cautiously, like you expected, the bubbles covered his body enough for you to be able to handle yourself as you sat down next to the tub. You grabbed his hand away from his lips, running your soft fingers over his rough calloused ones. “I always see you biting your nails or cuticle or lips or your pens. Why?”

He sighed, “I’m not sure, I guess it just distracts me?” He said it more like it was a question rather than a statement. “I guess I don’t truly know why I do it, I guess I just enjoy having things in my mouth.”

You could read Steve like a book, his pupils blown with lust, his lip stuck between his teeth, a blush heating up his cheeks. You took a leap of faith.

“Yeah, like what?”

“You.”

His lips were on yours in a flurry, it took a second for you to react, but as soon as you did it felt amazing. Neither of you seemed to care about the water splashing over you as his hands trailed up your body, tugging at the hem of your shirt.

He pulls away panting, “F-Fuck, Y/N, I need you. Please. Oh my god I need you so bad,” His eyes looked as if they were welling up with tears and he looked so pretty still in the relaxing bubble bath, whimpering and whining for you. 

“God, I need you too, baby,” you stop to look in his eyes sincerely, “Are you sure you want this? I don’t want to do anything that you don’t want to do or that you will regret.” Your hand caresses his cheek.

“Just get in here with me and I’ll show you how much I want you,” he whispered, “Need you, really.”

You sighed before your hands moved shakily to take off your t shirt. As much as you wanted this, you were still scared of how the ripped super solider would feel about you and your body, As soon as your shirt was off, Steve was whimpering, dipping his hand into the soapy water to massage his aching cock. This only spurred you to take off your clothes and join him faster. 

“Did I say you could touch yourself, puppy?” Your stern voice caught him off-guard, making him pause his actions with a look of fear on his face. You step into the bathtub, straddling him. Your nails raked up his milky white thighs, trailing up his body admiring the beauty of it. “Y’Know I was planning on being nice to you because you’ve been so good to me, but you might need to be punished, baby? Do you need to punshied like a brat?”

He mewled, bowing his head in shame. You could feel him growing harder and harder by the second and you were starting to go crazy with the empty feeling inside of you that on he could fill. “No, ma’am. I’ll be good, I swear!”

“Mmmm, that’s my good boy.” Your hands slid up his chest and rested on his cheeks, hearing him preen at your praise, as you repositioned yourself over his cock. “Are you sure you want this?”

“If you dont ride me into next week right fucking now I’m going to scream, Y/N,” He breathed out with a chuckle, Grabbing your thighs, he helps you sink down on his cock. Both of you were moaning and whimpering messes by the time you were sitting at this base of him, trying to get adjusted to his large size. 

Hot tears burned at the back of his eyes as soon as you lifted yourself up off of him, only leaving the tip of him inside of you, and slamming back down on his dick. 

“Baby-please,” he whimpered, “n-need, shit, need your fingers, bad.” 

You were confused, slowing down a bit to make sure he was okay. But his puppy dog eyes showed that he was okay. Slowly taking your wrist from his cheek, he puts your fingers in his warm mouth. Moaning around them and swirling his tongue around them. He did it the same way you always dreamed about sucking his dick, chocking and gagging on his length.

“Yeah, you’re such a needy little slut for me, for this pussy. Look at you, so ruined and fucked out just because I’m fucking you.” He moaned sensually at your words making your core tighten impossibly. 

You had gotten a good idea as you were riding him. Slowly, you start to thrust your hand in and out of his mouth, watching the saliva dribble out of the corners of his mouth as he choked on you. The band in your tummy starts tightening as you feel yourself getting close. 

“Shit, fuck, baby, I’m gonna come. Oh my god, you’re make me come with your beautiful cock, puppy. So good for me, aren’t you?” Your free hand dips into the water, cupping his balls and rolling them around your soft palm.

He nods, choking on your nimble finger yet again his you massage his sensitive balls. “Gonna come,” he slurred and spit around you.\, “almost there.”

“I didn’t” you moaned as you feel his balls tighten, fall back down on his cock at a faster pace, “give you permission to do that. I thought you were going to be good for me?”

“I am” he spluttered loudly, “i am good, I swear. Just please let me come. I need it, oh shit, mommy.”

The name went straight to your core, making you grow weak as you feebly give him permission to come as you come undone with one more bounce on his large member. His hands come up to grope your breasts as he come with hot spurts inside of your tight cunt. 

“Oh my god,” you stifle a giggle as you stand up on shaky legs. You wordlessly helped him out of the tub and wrapped him in a white towel, walking him to bed while you dried yourself off. Collapsing on the bed with a grunt, the solider hollds out his hand to you, signalling you to lay down with him. You could easily tell he was still coming down from his sex high, starting to regain his self back.

“I dont know what possessed me to,” he pauses, trying to figure out a way to word the rest of his sentence, “to suck, I guess, on your hand. I’m sorry, Y/N, that was really weird of me.”

“What do’ya mean, baby? Having an oral fixation isn’t something to be ashamed of.” The words make him smile with droopy eyes, tucking his head into your neck and starting to fall asleep, happy and comfortable, cuddling you.

“And to be honest, puppy. I think it’s really hot.”

[ask-s-offenderman]

why did you create sexual offenderman? and why do you still use his image today like that’s not completely morally fucked

Arc: started off during the time of early creepypasta days when people were jokingly making slenderman spin offs based on any name they could put together that rhymed with slenderman (so stuff like trenderman, blenderman, menderman, defenderman, etc.)

It was also the time when there was a big meme going around of people selling erotic audiobooks about Slenderman and it causing a big fuss in the fandom because of how this was misrepresenting Slenderman and his spooky horror vibes. So I got the idea “what if they used a different creepypasta instead of slenderman? that way everyone would be happy right?”

and fleshed out the name Sexual Offenderman into a usable character with the intention that people who aren’t an asexual artist only interested in doing superhero comics like i was could take it and run off with it.

cus like, I wasn’t going to be making any porn or erotic fanfics or whatever. so give the character away and become anonymous and have it just be one of those mystery parody pastas that nobody knows where it came from (which was also pretty popular at the time)

but people were like, “okay, this is a pretty cool design, but it’s pretty vague, before i do that thing where I take it and run off with the concept can you make some more concept about how the character behaves so i have more to work with?” and im like “sure i guess that would be okay?” although I don’t do porn stuff, so it probably won’t be super accurate to how i expect other people would use the character.

so I make the first fic for offenderman as a reference for this random internet person who said they would use the character to make fun of people making inappropriate porn of slenderman.

and then interest in the character starts to explode, as people go

“yoooo.. wtf? this isn’t just a creepypasta parody, this is like legit creepypasta? who knew all these porn tropes and horny meme shit that usually makes other creepypasta horror monsters become less scary, could be so frightening on its own?!? you gotta do more of this stuff!”

and im like

“uhhhhhhh......i dunno. I kinda wanted to get back to drawing obscure comic book and cartoon characters from the 80′s-90′s? besides, I don’t really do that porn stuff, you guys were supposed to take the character and run off with it to do all that weird erotic stuff?”

“but the lack of the weird horny stuff is the best part!” and im like,

“????”

“yeah! with the other stuff, it’s all treated as an excuse to get to the weird porn stuff, but all you do is talk about the stuff around the weird porny stuff that usually doesn’t get talked about! and that’s stuff we need! that I need! it’s making so big a difference with the trauma of being a sexual assault survivor to be able to talk about the stuff around the topic without it devolving into just porn stuff! your treatment of this stupid sounding tentacle rape monster is exactly the nuance that has been missing from pop culture’s treatment of these topics!”

“It is?”

“Name one other example.”

“I literally don’t follow porn stuff, but if the fans can find a comparison  then i’ll.... uhhh... have a comparison???”

“Did they find any?”

“no. but there have been a bunch more survivors of assault saying the same sorts of things you’ve been saying and explaining it more, so uhh... I guess that makes sense? I don’t really know about that stuff though. but... I mean... know how terrifying it is to watch your close friends get worse and worse thanks to their suicidal depression? and I know how it feels to be trapped in a hopeless situation? and Ive converted my own feelings of homicidal depression, where i’m so depressed i want to violently lash out at the people around me, into an absurd ‘what would batman do‘ philosophy, so I can’t exactly take someone asking me for help like this laying down. Sooooo.... guess I’d better study and learn how to help y’all out better? and I can ask the other people drawing and writing about offenderman to try and do the same? but if someone comes along and does it better than me then I’m out”

and then nobody came along to come and do it better than me.

so now i’m stuck with this big glaring outlier of a tentacle rape monster among my usual creative works of stuff like old cartoons and good natured tim burton-esk spooky things.

like one of those musicians who get a hit song that’s completely different from the rest of what they do.

but yeah. the whole offenderman deal was a weird niche grey area, and i can’t really fault people when they don’t do it quite right.

if there’s anything ive learned from all this, its that if you actually look at the state of things on the internet, any greater amount of accuracy and nuance should be considered a victory when it comes to sexual assault and abuse and such.

and just saying “don’t talk about those topics at all” has it’s own negative consequences that must be dealt with, especially for those who would see a name like “Sexual Offenderman” and immediately be intrigued or triggered.

For the UWU teen fangirl who doesn’t have the context to understand their media consumption? even making the leap of thinking about stuff like rape from strictly erotica to saying “it can also be used in a strictly non-erotic horror context” is a big deal with how many overlooked people hold those sort of misconceptions. And harping on the fandom norm that “in order to be a real offenderman fan, you have to be able to respect him as a legitimately frightening horror monster on the same level as the other creepypastas.” they’re suddenly way more invested in the nuances of depictions of assault in their media because they’re actually being incentivized to do so, instead of blithely making fanfics about them being kidnapped and sold as a slave to a boy band they really like.

and for the survivors who are stuck in a downward spiral and trying to deliberately trigger themselves with harmful media because they feel they don’t deserve to be happy, end up finding a weird stopgap with a lot of offenderman content because of fans following my lead and saying “nope, that’s not how that works, in a story taken seriously and told honestly, it would go like this.”

though that sort of thing get’s diluted the further you get from the main offenderman stuff from back when i was ranting to the fans more.

but i can’t supervise everything forever, and any failures might as well just be another grain of sand in the staggeringly massive “rape culture as expressed on the internet” desert.

the offenderman stuff helped who it helped. it satirized as best it could. no point in trying to be retroactively dishonest about it or dismiss the potential it might have in the future to help the largely ignored demographics of people it was able to help before.

[glowinggator]

Hi there! First of all thank you for the short haired reader Headcanons, it was so sweet !

I’d like a matchup please! She/they, INFP, curly short hair+ freckles, rosy checks, chubby/curvy hufflepuff, 5’9, shy but friendly, Loud w friends, nerdy, like memes, books, animated movies, painting, n’ artist stuff. My friends says I’m very funny but also very naive, I have one of those obnoxious funny laughs you don’t see it coming from a mile away ( bc im usually kinda quiet ) but those that it makes others laugh from just hearing it? So yeah abbrjgkdkdn, a softie not gonna lie, hopeless romantic, affectionate, but I hide my love side out of fear for being rejected, I’m very good with kids and animals, I get flustered SO easily ( it’s a pain. In the ass bfbgjdksks) got depression and anxiety, but I love hanging out with friends, I’m always down to comfort ppl, listen, give advice if they need to, extremely supportive and kind. I sometimes need my space but at the same time I think I kinda need someone who reassures me I’m not a bother or that they still like me, ( friendships and relationships ) otherwise I will crate conspiracy theories against myself and slowly drift away shbfngjdkd also understand non verbal language cuz it’s hard for me to open up, I Hope this is enough? thank you!

I match you with...

Leonardo!!

Your caring and loving nature is a huge factor in drawing him in! Kind to kids, kind to animals, nerdy, a lil shy... he’s SO in. He realizes he’s in love with you the first time he really makes you laugh. Dorky & infectious laughter... his weakness <3

He’s the best reader of nonverbal cues, hands down. He picks up on that shit so quickly, sometimes before you even realize what you’re feeling. He’ll give you a little bit of time, to see if you want to bring it up, but he’s not afraid of bridging that gap if you’re unable to. He’s also the KING of reassurance. He’ll kiss your forehead, hold your hands, and tell you all the things he loves about you. Sweetest motherfucker on earth tbh 

He’s a bit taller than you! You already know he’s gonna do the thing of holding something above your head so you have to get on your tiptoes and lean into him to grab it. 

Send him your memes... he always has like, a billion saved on his phone to respond with. (He’s also started saying “___.....my beloved...” out loud recently about the most mundane stuff. he’s so dumb <3 also most of his texts read like shitposts its so funny. he’s your boyfriend, but it’s obvious that you two were very good friends before you started going out together. It’s really cute.) 

At least once a month, he sends you a video of him trying to get Splinter to say Ratatouille quotes. “Dad, dad! I need you to say something for me.” “What is it?” “Anyone can cook, but only the fearless can be great.” “No.”  It never works :( He’s not gonna stop trying though. 

ADORES how flustered you get... he plays into it so much. He loves to pepper you with kisses and watch how flustered you get. He’s also done the Gomez & Morticia kiss up the arm hundreds of times. 

He’s a hopeless romantic and proud of it! He’ll do it all. Flowers, candlelit dinner dates, watching the sunrise & sunset, making dinner together, everything. 

He likes to lay his head in your lap while you read. Oftentimes he’ll fall asleep, especially if you trace patterns on his shell with your free hand. 

He loves crystals a lot! He could spend hours inside of gem shops, to be quite frank. His favorite is Blue Tourmaline, and he’ll buy little bags of it in the Hidden City so he can make necklaces & bracelets for you out of it. Every time you look down at your wrist or at your necklace, it makes you think of him :) 

One way to make him really flustered? Trace his stripes! He practically melts into your hands, and he gets the sweetest smile on his face. His eyes close as he leans into your touch and it’s just... MUAH. 

He tries so hard to make you laugh!! Your laughter is his favorite sound in the world, and he’ll do damn-near anything to hear it. If you’re ticklish... godspeed </3 

Fellow lover of animated movies!! He’s always down to watch them with you, and chances are, they’re a pretty common pick on movie night. (He also FREQUENTLY sends you the “I wish all american animation studios a very make 2D movies again or else” meme. If he has to watch one more CGI remake again he’s gonna DIE.)

If you have freckles on your shoulders/arms, you already know he’s gonna trace them. He thinks they’re so pretty! He likes to connect them with markers to make little constellations. 

He has your hair products MEMORIZED. If you ever run out of something, he’s the first to track it down for you. He also likes to draw cat ears and whiskers on the products in your bathroom <3

On your first year anniversary, he wrote you a really sweet song. He ran across the rooftops of New York with an acoustic guitar slung over his shoulder to get to your apartment, and you still remember the way he smiled as you grabbed his hands to pull him through the window. (He’s a good singer, too! It was the sweetest thing in the world <3) 

He’s SUCH a nerd... talk to him about your latest interest, do it!! He gets just as passionate as you do, even if he had no idea what it was beforehand! He loves passion. 

He has Houdini’s history memorized forwards and backwards: both his personal life and his performances! He gets so excited when he talks about Houdini, it’s cute. He’ll lay his head in your lap and ramble for ages, if you let him. His eyes light up like supernovas, it’s adorable. He talks with his hands, too. 

Super supportive of your art!! He frames/hangs up anything you give to him. And if it’s too small, you bet its going in his treasure box. (He keeps it under his bed, and it’s full of little things that remind him of you.) 

Speaking of which, he’s cool if you ever need a bit of space! It doesn’t hurt his feelings, I promise. Everyone needs a little bit of space sometimes, and that’s okay! So long as you know you’re loved, he’s cool with it. 

He’s a huge fan of personality tests!! Both serious ones like Myers-Briggs and the silly ones that you find on like. Buzzfeed. He’ll stay up for HOURS taking them to avoid going to bed. (He’s an ENFP & Gryffindor, for reference! He barely skirts into ENFP-T, [Around a 55-45, maybe 60-40 split] if you wanna be specific.) He loves sending them to you, too! 

Literally the sticky note KING. He’ll stick them everywhere. Having a depressive episode? Sticky note reminders to eat & shower if he’s not there. Loving little stickies with encouragement! Declarations of how much he loves you, and how proud of you he is! He’ll also do it when you’re feeling a-okay, but you can bet that he increases them when you’re not feeling well. It’s a nice way for him to tell you that he loves you and is proud of you when he isn’t there. You keep all of them in a box of your own :) You guys also have a giant sticky note trail on your fridge. You both keep stacking responses on top of one another. 

[rivetgoth]

im a transsexual guy who had top surgery last wednesday and we really Goin Thru It over here - you maybe got any cool tips that helped you recover after they carved you? stapled sutured but every time we touch then i still ooze blood and plasma onto my bandages, yknow. love ur vibe btw dude - guys like you keep the scene fun. stay evil

HEY, I hopped on my comp the second I saw this message cuz I wanted to type up a proper reply instead of battling the tiny iPhone keyboard lol. Firstly though, congrats on your surgery!! And also thank you, this is a super sweet message and I appreciate the compliments a ton, thank yew ;;w;;

ANYWAY, if it’s any consolation, about a week into my recovery I got hit with the worst post-surgery depression. I was out of my Oxycodone and so frustrated with how much pain I was still in and how sensitive and weak I felt and being forced to sleep on my back and the fact that I still had to “bind” even though I had gone through all that specifically so I didn’t have to bind anymore LOL. I had thought not being able to shower was miserable enough but showering actually worsened my mood because everything was just so sensitive and sore and stiff, I remember just straight up crying in the shower once or twice. I jus say this stuff cuz I super feel you, it was pretty difficult at times and it made me feel really frustrated because I was simultaneously so happy about getting the surgery but that was so hindered by the bad feelings I was dealing with due to how draining recovery was. It was really reassuring and also hilarious when I googled stuff about post-top surgery depression and actually found a piece written by a trans dude in the industrial scene who I was actually already friends with LMAO. And more than anything I’m just hugely thankful for my friends who were there for me during recovery at that time and helped me through it and put up with my complaining and weakness. My roommates didn’t make me do the dishes for a few weeks and little things like THAT meant the total world to me :’)

Anyway though, I do think my biggest piece of advice is to remember above all else that all of this is very, very short term. When you’re in this much pain and discomfort, especially if it’s like, your first major surgery (it was for me), it can be super easy I feel to become semi convinced that it’ll just be like this forever, and it can feel really hopeless and frustrating, and trying to remember that this is only gonna be for a few weeks to a month or two at most and then you’ll be back to normal is really reassuring. And the pay off is so worth it because afterwards you have the entire rest of your life to live with a way way way more comfortable happy relationship to your body and being able to wear the clothes you want without any discomfort at all and exist in the world in such a happier state of mind. There’s only so much advice I can give for the physical discomfort, but I think psychologically, that really is the most important thing. It can be really frustrating or stressful seeing how weak or painful it all is or seeing how fucked up your nipples or scars might look but it really is such a short term thing in exchange for an entire lifetime where you’re so much happier overall.

But as for the physical discomfort, I do think my advice is gonna be pretty obvious, which is just to keep taking pain meds and taking it easy. I was on a shitload of Ibuprofen for forever (I was taking like, 600 mg every 6 hours or so). I think that’s really the most you can do to minimize it. Luckily, I do think the pain all goes away pretty quickly. Like, within a week or two after the Oxycodone wore off the pain started to become way more manageable too. I also think it’s a good idea to try to just not think too much about the injuries themselves, I know I can be a HUGE hypochondriac and I worry a ton about stuff and there were times where I’d become so obsessively concerned about my nipples healing properly or something. Just try to do whatever instructions your doctor gave you and other than that don’t really mess with it, try to distract yourself with easy stuff like watching movies or playing games or talking to friends and just let your body do its thing. If you become really concerned about something talk to your doctor, or even just check places like FTM subreddits, because a lot of the time whatever you’re going through is something that a shitload of other guys have gone through too and it’s likely you’ll already find some threads where your concerns are dispelled. Other than that though, try not to let yourself get too focused on the scars or the nipples or any of the weird or gross or painful stuff going on, I think it’ll only cause more stress and discomfort. Every time I was kinda worried about something, when I saw my doctor about it at the next post-op he would tell me it looked completely fine, lol. Also remember that your body is REALLY going thru it right now, even though it’s your chest that’s primarily been actively impacted, it’s really your whole body trying to adjust to having been seriously physically traumatized. I had some really weird physical side effects all over, like a weird restless leg experience, some weird stomach issues, lots of soreness near my shoulders, and all of those things went away with time, it’s just your body readjusting and recovering.

But yeah, I know sometimes stuff like school and work can get in the way of being able to do this fully, but I do think my biggest advice is to just try to take it easy and take a lot of pain meds and rest your way through it. Eat well and stay hydrated, those sorts of cliche things. But also, more importantly, just remember that everything happening is very short term in the grand scheme of things, and as frustrating as it can all feel it is SO, so rewarding in the end. By the time you’re able to go out into the world without having to think about binding, and you’re able to wear whatever you want comfortably, and able to do things even as small as just walking up or down stairs without immediately feeling discomfort, or maybe you’re able to have a sexual encounter that doesn’t make you feel bad about your body… The few weeks of post-surgery discomfort will feel SO worth it.

And congrats again, anon!! 🎉

[barewiings]

BAREWIINGS’ RP PLOTTING CHEAT-SHEET

Want new-and-exciting plots for your character? Long to reach out to more of your followers, but don’t know where to start? Fear not! Fill out this form and give your RP partners both present and future all the of juicy jumping off points they need to help you get your characters acquainted.

Be sure to tag the players whose characters YOU want more cues to interact with, and repost, don’t reblog! Feel free to add or remove sections as you see fit. Template here.

Mun name: birdie (she/her/hers or they/them)  OOC Contact: tumblr IMs + discord

Who the heck is my muse anyway:

leah’s a sophomore in college studying psychology. she works on her campus’ bookstore during the week, and she’s just super friendly and approachable. wants to fall in love real badly ( it doesn’t help that she’s a hopeless romantic ), and just wants to be helpful to everyone. gets stressed out easily because of her assignments and is very anxious a lot of times about little things. 

Points of interest:

one the surface, leah seems pretty innocent, but there’s definitely a part of her she hides really well, especially to her very religious and traditional family. she’s very sexual in nature, working in a sex shop on the weekends. she hooks up frequently, uses tinder regularly, and she knows what she likes in the bedroom thanks to lots of time alone with some toys. she doesn’t like being open about this side of her life right away, but to those close to her, she’ll open up eventually.

this all started at an early age, about around five thanks to some porn she accidentally found. since then, it’s been a back and forth battle between her sexuality and her religion ( or rather, her family’s religion ), and it’s only up until recently did she decided that enjoying sex isn’t a sin. 

What they’ve been up to recently:

trying to date without her parents knowing, finding sexual partners that don’t suck, studying for classes, writing papers, working shifts at both of her jobs, facetiming her parents, cleaning her dorm, missing her cat. 

Where to find them:

on campus, in her dorm room, at the sex shop or in the bookstore. 

Current plans:

trying to graduate tbh but also enjoy her time in college. wants to make new connections while she has this new independence from her parents even though she’s a nervous bean around strangers sometimes 

Desired interactions:

hateships -- leah gets along with a lot of people, so it’d be very interesting for her to meet someone who just rubs her the wrong way and brings out the passive-aggressive self 

toxic relationships -- unhealthy, possessive, emotionally draining, and all those types of things

angst -- just give me angst in general, make leah cry, put her in stressful situations. i really want to explore this side of her since so far everything’s been sunshine and rainbows. which isn’t bad!!! but leah does have some baggage that hasn’t really been discussed yet ( nothing traumatic, but her self-worth can be kind of low and she can be fake when the situation calls for it since she bottles up emotions ). 

more au’s!!!! more plots from my wishlist!!! 

Offered interactions:

i offer you leah as a sales associate at either of her jobs, leah as a potential classmate, leah as a potential one night stand, leah as that person who runs after you when you drop something. tbh leah’s pretty flexible so she can fit into a lot of situations, and even for more niche situations, we can always plot! for now i only have two verses: one that’s modern and one that has the potential to be a period au set in the great depression era ( you’ll get it if you read my verse page! )  

Current open post/s:

here’s my tag! it’s not much, and most are short since i don’t really do opens that often ( and idk what exactly is in there but they’re either silly or smutty sorry not sorry ) 

Anything else:

my schedule’s wack bc i’m a full time student, so i hoard a lot of drafts but i love memes and usually get to them pretty quickly so feel free to send them in to start interactions!! you’re always welcome to continue them ( even smutty ones ) so dont feel shy!! 

Tagged by: stolen from @awolxsiblings

Tagging: you!!! 

[psyopmyself]

Today I got a bipolar diagnosis

edit: btw, nobody was injured when i crashed. it was into a light post and nobody was around.

There is confetti everywhere around my room. And I am confused why there is such a mess and why it’s so pretty to me and also why despite seeing beauty in the mess I feel uncomfortable with my space having little shit all over it and I want it to be clean. Today shit hit the fan and the shit was a balloon and when it hit the fan it erupted and confetti flew everywhere. I got a bipolar diagnosis today. After nearly 10 years of clinical diagnoses from major depression, generalized anxiety, ocd tendency, mania, psychosis, to a literal thought disorder called delusional disorder, as well as PTSD, today I heard something that felt like it contains all of me and there is room for me to be me and not feel so confused and like my identity is all over the place depending which disorder is showing it’s face most. I am Cassidy Jean Gardner, and I am bipolar with PTSD. I feel terrified and so confused and Im crying while I write this but the tears feel like a relief a sweet rush of acceptance from and for myself that I have been yearning for for a long, long time. My therapist believes I have mixed manic-depressive bipolar called cyclothymic bipolar, not to be confused with a less “emotionally intense” cyclothymia diagnosis. With my understanding so far, I understand that Bipolar 1 is characterized by more manic tendencies with depressive stints. Bipolar 2 is characterized by more depressive tendencies with hypomanic bursts. The difference between these types of bipolar and the one have been experiencing the spectrum of for the last 2 and a half years years for sure is that BP 1&2 symptoms of mania or depression last several days, weeks, or months. Cyclothymic bipolar experiences of mania and depression can last hours. I have been so confused by my own mind for so long, and like my emotional responses to things were never valid, true, natural, and in my manic times, not even human. I can go from being manic to then coming across something that doesn’t fit my manic ideology and having an extremely depressed, hopeless response, to, sometimes it feels like minutes later, come up with a new “solution” that helps me feel better and relieved of the shame i feel about my manic beliefs and world view that I go right back up there again, and the cycle repeats. Thinking myself in and out of mania it can feel like. The days when I am not crippled or at best, so far, consistently hindered, by the accompanying anxiety of not having much of a sense of emotional normalcy or “neutral” perspective on things are my best days. The days when I am hypomanic, and I decide to scrap everything I’ve been working toward and stop identifying with these things in the name of authenticity libration and creativity, are my favorite right now, and that is hard. because it’s not super helpful to be this way- so passionate and “righteous”- that i throw out the window regard for any sort of routine i have worked hard to establish myself in the name of having “figured out something better”. It’a hard to feel so happy I can’t listen to my rational self because I feel so intoxicated by the feeling of happiness motivation and productivity I so crave. I am not sure what is harder. Being so manic that I become psychotic, completely delusional to the point that I literally believe I am Satan or Lucifer herself and that everything around me is confirming this horrible burden yet somehow “karmic blessing” that I never asked for, the the times when my depression is so bad I sleep for 16 hours of the day, have no motivation to even fathom life becoming better ever, and prefer to dream than live waking, walking life. I have lived in ambivalence for years, and as a coping mechanism I convinced myself I thrived in this arena. I see myself in front of the pendulum that is my mind. Every day it swings and I try to control it. It doesn’t stop swinging. It swings so roughly and rapidly that it flys out of the bars holding it up often. It’s like there is a wind pushing it that is the devil itself tricking me by being “invisible” aka not existing. When it’s on the manic side, I try to grab it and in the process get picked up off the ground and everything around the pendulum gets knocked over in my efforts to hold the pendulum and keep it on the “happy” side. Like the things around me are my life that I’ve built and they will fall as easily as bowling pins. There is no weight to keep them stable when I hit them. The foundation is slippery. On the depressive side, I rush over angry that I wasn’t strong enough to hold things on the manic side and desperately try to push it back toward my “happy” side, but it is so so fucking heavy. and I don’t remember it being that heavy and I cannot believe I ever fathomed loving the pendulum I was clinging to sometimes minutes earlier. Shame guilt self loathing. compared to my visions of grandiosity, of the world revolving around me, of having a sense of self worth and confidence and the courage to claim it and say hey i deserve to feel good about myself. to god how dare I ever think that. I am the most selfish person on the planet the sheer vain and foolishness to believe everything even anything really could possible be about or for me. I like to believe that I am somewhere in the middle. I prefer the hypomanic side, and this is a detriment as well, because i can easily get too high. but the hypomanic can be so... fun. The bits of excessive energy, the slightly inflated sense of self worth, the belief that I can follow my dreams and the ability to use my mind to direct my thoughts toward ways to create strategy to get where I want and build stepping stones. The fear of fallibility. the anxiety that comes with ever feeling good about myself from the ptsd of that abusive relationship and that night especially. I shouldn’t plan, because they will be foiled, if not by me by a man most likely. nowhere is safe, especially not my own mind.  thats’s where I perceived love, and oh hasn’t god shown me how powerful that is. being so manic that I confuse the feeling with someone being my soulmate, twin flame, my destiny. telling that person and responding to the rejection emotionally by going psychotic and fully delusional. How afraid I have been to love, of my own love, being truly loved that i don’t feel the need to constantly prove myself, and certainly the idea of ever loving myself for being who I am. In 2016 when I got PTSD and no longer was the “high functioning” “mentally ill” girl I was before, many people treated me like I had fallen from grace and it was my fault. Thank fucking god for the people who have been here for me. So many people took this as an opportunity it felt to slander me. “ha, I knew she wasn’t so wonderful, look how crazy she is. She intentionally crashed her car. who does that?” a person who is so confused with their undiagnosed bipolar and the fact they are going through a manic episode as a response to intense trauma therapy does that. I was told my whole life I was wonderful for being pretty and intelligent, and what a special combination. what a bitch of a “gift”. The two things I was naturally both with and did not earn, my intelligence and my body and my face. What about my humor? What about my ability to be a good friend? What about how hard I work? I was told I should never dare praise myself for these things because I was already “lucky enough” to be praised for the things I never asked for but was given by either genetics or fate- god knows. I have so many feelings. and I’m so grateful to know that I am impulsive. Sure, I’m “spiritually gifted”, but not necessarily everything has to be a blaring call from god or synchronicity that I must act on immediately if I want to see the “right things”, see the world the “right way”, and “be where I am to be”. My perfectionism has nearly killed me. Seeking to be spiritually perfect because I sure has hell was not physically or mentally perfect, I mean, look at those guys and girls more “beautiful”, look at those men and women more “accomplished”.  And the brainwashed peers (not their fault) for idolizing me, giving me a sense of power I never fucking sought. Sure. Maybe you can make the argument that my “soul wanted this”, but suffering was never in the deal. and I have suffered. I have been so miserable I didn’t even know how to fathom the energy to put together a plan to kill myself. and thank god for that level of depression, because I didn’t die. because I’m supposed to be here and finally I feel I can make some peace with my singular identity as Me, Cassie. someone who is fun, funny, smart, relatable, bipolar, and so much more. I feel terrified of stigmatization even though I know it’s fucked up that it even exists. At least, I think, with the delusional disorder diagnosis, even though it was similar to a schizophrenic diagnosis just lacking frequency of symptoms, hardly anybody knew what it was. Oh I have a thought disorder and the propensity to think in delusional ways sometimes. NBD tho as u can see I’m perfectly fine :). So many more people know about bipolar. And many have strong opinions. The plus here is that there is more push to end stigmatization and more research into ways to cope manage and accept this diagnosis which I am so thankful for, and more easily accessible community. There was nothing on delusional disorder. It was so uncommon that when my psychiatrist in the rehab told my therapist what my diagnosis was she handed me the DSM to read about it because she didn’t know what it was. Yeah, I went to rehab. Last november (2017) I had a psychotic break, though it was not my first experience with delusion. I became manic as a response to feeling rejected by a guy and it escalated to me hardly sleeping, doing a lot of cocaine and other drugs, and having a full blown psychotic break. I experienced psychosis for 2 and a half months. The first 3 weeks of this stint it was all i could feel or think about. At first it was fun, until it wasn’t. I legitimately thought that there was a secret society the illuminati that had been made to “illuminate” me, that all art had been inspired by me, the energetic muse, lucifer “finally reincarnating” back to earth in the age of aquarius and dawn of immortality, and nobody around me was safe because I was all that was valued by this illuminati and the people who I loved most were in danger because while I loved them most and the illuminati knew this, the illuminati was angry that these people has hurt me, someone who was so impressionable, “born schizophrenic and able to hide it in order to learn about ‘normal society’”, and were responsible for the pain I felt which I  handled with negative coping mechanisms like addiction. So it was my job to create worldly and spiritual circumstances to keep them safe from disaster and accident or murder because they all felt so bad about hurting me subconsciously that they had less of a will to live, and this was a dangerous way to think, subconsciously of course. That I was everyone’s higher self in the 4d’s favorite 3d person other than their person, and that they all were working to send me messages from the consciously unaware around me. I was fully out too my mind. I legitimately thought I was lucifer, the most hated person on the planet but god’s favorite angel, ready to ask for entry back into heaven. And the only thing that was me was my fear response to my thoughts and the way I read into everything. no I can’t dare think this this can’t dare be true but somehow everything around me is telling me it is. Literally fuck this. I felt that I needed to be with loved ones constantly to “keep them safe” and I understandably was simultaneously scaring the shit out of my family due to my mental health, and exhausting them. my mom and I both agreed the best thing was for me to go into a treatment center, the rose house. A “dual-diagnosis” rehab that treated mental health and addiction. Cool, well when I got there apparently every single reason I had mental health problems was because I had used substances, not because I had struggled with my mental health since becoming conscious in light of my father passing when i was almost 9 and eventually found drugs as a coping mechanism. I felt shamed for my addiction to marijuana and 100% misunderstood and ostracized. out of the 15 women there all of the girls my age were in primarily for addiction and the only woman who was there for first mental health was an older woman named Kathleen, and she wasn’t an addict. The delusions never stopped I got better at hiding them. I was heavily medicated, afraid, fearing homelessness if i didn’t follow my family wishes to finish the 90 day program, and still pretty insane. After I got my diagnosis I left the treatment the night I got onto “transition” 67 days in and got my phone back, called a friend, and got brought up to fort collins where thank god emma was willing to let me stay with her. Miraculously, the delusions stopped within days. I was no longer so stressed and afraid that I couldn’t think for myself. I was bipolar this entire time. and my mania was “so irrational and unrecognizable” that they didn’t even know to recognize that this was my issue, it was more like I was “almost schizophrenic” without the visual hallucinations or auditory hallucinations. I wasn’t hearing other voices, but the voice in my head wanted me dead just as much as it told me I had a special reason to stay alive. I had a “sane reaction to insane circumstances”, and I temporally lost my mind. and I was petrified and anxiety ridden to the point I couldn’t function for months. I couldn’t make a single decision for weeks without going into full blown panic. I felt like everyone knew something that I didn’t and that they couldn’t tell me what I thought I knew, just give me hints, because otherwise they could be punished and also because they “believed in me”. I felt horribly betrayed while simultaneously fearing abandonment and isolation so much I felt I had developed Stockholm syndrome.  

When I experienced full blown psychosis that was so scary, my whole life went to shit. I lost my scholarships. I lost my house in boulder so my family could afford rehab. everything changed while I was in panic and when I “returned” to a “normal” state of mind I couldn’t recognize anything in my own life, even myself. When I was on medication I gained 70 pounds in 2 and a half months. I went into rehab 95 pounds. I was so manic for months, either full blown or hypo, that I would forget to eat. And I was 165 when I left. I hated my life and the months following I was more depressed than I can ever remembered. I relapsed in april. april to september was a mix of drugs and romance that I don’t really care for. When I got sober again, prompted by a really scary night of returning to psychotic thinking which I thankfully learned reality checking skills for, I feel like after 4 almost 5 years of using drugs I was finally ready to stop feeling so out of control, at least with my substance use. Thank god for today, no matter how afraid i am of my future. I am just as hopeful. I have for hate myself for the ways I have treated people in my manic episodes, my family in my depressive episodes, and how I can hardly even remember it. but I do not deserve to feel this hate. I was suffering. I was living in a world I hadn’t found the words to describe. and now I know. That I am beautiful. truly. inside and out. and I have a beautiful mind. I love fiercely. I believe I can make a contribution to help “save the world”. That those who are mentally ill should be hugged tightly when they need it, that schizophrenic people especially, imo, are horribly and unfairly understood and deserve to feel cherished and accepted just as much as anyone else, not to be feared and casted out of society. I believe every single person no matter what deserves to know they are not alone, no matter how lonely they feel, and so much more good. I am not the ugly or the bad. I am a motherfucking survivor. And thank god I didn’t die the day I re-enacted my dad’s car accident. Because I do have a purpose, and it is special. Most importantly, it’s just as special as everyone else’s special purpose. We are all in this together. And I’m excited to find a community of people who have fought similar battles. Who I can laugh about my “a trillion under the sun” delusions with and find humor in the ways my mind sought to preserve a will to live. and how other people have done the same. I am me, and today I became free of my own condemnation. I will struggle, but now I know there is community and resources that I don’t need to scour the earth to find. I have a home, and it is here, proud to be me. There is confetti everywhere around my room. Who knew that balloon I had been so afraid of letting go of was my own attempt to celebrate myself. I may feel late to my own party, but I’m here now. And there is no problem with not wanting my room to always look like a wild rave. I can always make more confetti, anyways :) 

To end with some gratitude, thank god for my true friends and my family. Emma has never left my side as my best friend, even in the distance of living in different parts of the state.  She is my best fucking friend. My other close best friends as well, who have not been afraid to hug me when I swore to them my entire body was covered in needles. My mom, who has done everything for me to make sure I know I am never truly alone, no matter how much my mind tries to tell me otherwise. For my little brother, for putting up with my craziness and still being willing to love me and laugh with me at the end of the day. Everyone in my life now is so beautiful it’s hard to deny that there may be some beauty in me, too, then, if they all tell me they like when I’m around. I’m grateful to know that my father, who i have idolized though gone now, was whole loved by the people around me. Whose described as “large than life” personality and substance abuse may have been a way to mask bipolar symptoms, was still a loved personality and loved person. This I know. This people have convinced me. and that I am of him just as much as I am of my mother. I’m grateful for the mental health professionals who have not given up on me, even when they required i be medicated in order to be able to be worked with, even when i was misdiagnosed, these people have helped to save my life too. so many times. And I am so grateful for my higher power, for prayer, the only thing that felt safe to think that sometimes I would just repeat the serenity prayer for hours for the sake of at least having a way to direct my anxious energy and not be in panic from my own delusional thoughts. God, who has always shown me that i will never be truly abandoned or given up on, who has helped me understand my higher power as something that is absolutely not punitive. My family and friends have been my lifeboats, and god, the universe, gaia, the god in every person, has shown me how to survive the storm. I am. I desire. I see. and i am free. 

This has been such a clusterfuck of emotions coming out that I have been wanting to feel for a long time and as messy as this is i’m grateful as well for the will to sit through this and write about these experiences, no matter the feelings they bring up. Because know I feel free to understand that the feelings will pass, sometimes more quickly than others, and that I can always survive. Even when that’s all I “manage” to do. Today. I stayed sober. I laughed. I put up the christmas tree with my mom and brother. I talked on the phone with my best friend. I told close friends what I learned about myself today. and I got diagnosed with bipolar. and I found a hope and interpretation for my mental narrative that I never felt was right for me because i don’t understand the words for what i was experiencing. I have learned today. And I have grown. and I am smiling as i finish typing this with tears rolling down my face, because I believe I can be happy. Sustainably happy. and sustainably grateful and hopeful when it’s hard to get to feeling the happiness. I believe and I survive. and I become<3 I am 21. I am brilliant. and I am bipolar. 

[tumblunni]

Rambling about my new watchholder oc Mallory

* absolute gremlin child. Eats dirt. Probably more of a monster than most of the yokai.

* at the same time tho, she is like super sunshine friend! She looks kinda gloomy ominous but her personality is actually super bubbly and her biggest priority in life is making new yokai friends and loving them forever. Like, creepy in a wholesome way? She does indeed love horror movies and creepy crawlies and could probably fistfight god, but that doesnt mean she's evil!

* kinda always bored but also easily exciteable? One of her biggest recurring jokes is just ignoring the normal or sane solution to a thing and doing something more fun even if its more difficult or dangerous. Actually i guess its more "fearless" than bored? Or bored of fear, lol. Fearless and doesnt really give a shit about any rules. But again not in a mean way, she doesnt break rules because she wants to piss people off, just like "im not gonna believe this if nobody bothers explaining why its supposed to be so important". But not exactly phrased like that cos that would be rude, lol. So uhh more like just relateable autism feel of not grasping social cues but mixed with a personality thats quite outgoing and uncaring of being judged poorly for not being normal, as opposed to me who's always worried about what people think.

* oh wait thats the word for it!! Free-spirited! Trickster! Like a peter pan type of trickster tho, more than loki. Like just "i am naturally outside the obligations of normalcy" rather than "i am intentionally trying to prank/illusion/manipulate people cos its funny". Or uhh i guess "manic pixie dream girl" but without all the stupid shit that trope has got associated with.

* pretty much just wish fullfillment of "what if i was confident enough to not care what people think and just act like myself no matter what"

* anyway in summary she likes to climb trees n stuff and her reaction to yokai being real is "yay" and her reaction to seeing an undefeatable giant kaiju is to run at it and try and suplex it with her bare hands. She's kind of a badass! Tho lol also her biggest character flaw is her badassness, cos she can be reckless due to the lack of fear. But then also sometimes when everyone is hopeless she really does manage to save the day no matter what, and help inspire everyone else to be brave too!

* though i'm thinking of maybe a character arc where she starts off seeing this as just a fun adventure with no stakes, and it doesnt matter if you take risks cos nobody's gonna get hurt anyway. Like a "this isnt really real, its just my hero's story" sort of thing? When things start getting more dark and she faces things she cant just defeat with simple optimism, it kinda stops being fun anymore. And she has to realize that even if she doesnt care about her own self preservation there's consequences that could happen to her friends and family. And maybe she's already made mistakes that she can't take back, and now she's neck deep in a conflict thats a lot bigger and more insurmountable than she thought. You can't just fistfight something like the abstract concept of hatred for humanity which will continue to be perpetuated as long as the idea keeps taking root. And maybe even yokai you befriended could start to believe it too, after all you've kinda been treating them as just fun toys and sidekicks on a story that's all about you, and dragging them into danger with your recklessness. Even though you're fighting the villains, are you really doing it because you actually care about saving the day? Do you even know what you're saving it from...?

* and similar to her unflappable victoryness being shaken, i think her fearlessness and confidence could also be deeper than they look on the surface. I feel like maybe as the story goes on it could be revealed that its less being fearless and more just not caring about her own safety. You start to see her get more actual consequences from her fights, and it starts to become sort of concerning that she keeps brushing it off as no big deal. Laughing it off. Wondering why her friends are even sad that she got hurt. And maybe she isnt really happy all the time and 100% secure in who she is, she just tries to hide any signs of doubt because she feels like nobody would care. And that she has to always be the funny class clown or else nobody would want to be her friend. And like.. She doesnt even really believe that she's great, believe that she's fine as she is. She's more aware of her weirdness than she lets on. She's constantly, paralyzingly aware that everyone thinks she's a freak. She did use to try and change herself to fit in, but she kept failing at it and it never helped her get any friends. Or when she did think she made a friend they'd turn on her whenever she slipped up and showed a crack in her mask of the perfect normal person. The perfect normal person they wanted her to be.. Constantly changing into WHATEVER anyone wanted her to be. The only reason she doesnt do that anymore is that she lost all hope in it working, not that she actually gained confidence in her true self. And even when she's npt conciously doing it she's still subconciously trying to be what people want her to be. She has to always be funny, always be fearless, she has to cling to the few parts of her weirdness that people dont seem to hate. And now she has to be the hero. She has to carry all the dreams of everyone she's met along the way, while never letting them know when she's scared she wont be able to help make them come true. She's always just laughing it off and never being fully open with any of her friends, because she's scared they'll hate her. ..

* so uhh.. Yeah. Personal experience of that. Personal experience of trying to fit into negative stereotypes of autism because thats what everyone saw me as no matter how hard i tried, and also it was the only form of autism theyd treat positively, somehow. Like just be the "funny one" and dont challenge any of their assumptions ans they'll leave you in relative peace. Put up with some degree of degredation to avoid the even worse version. And i was doing all of this at a very youbg age before i even knew i was autistic or what autism was, but i could still feel how people treated me differently and how i had to friggin agree with it or else they'd never let it go. Gahhh.. It was all way too complicated and dark for a kid to understand!

* so yeah anyway her story arc is going from being a badass funny to being a funny badass? Like she just becomes more genuinely tough and cool when she's not always winning and the stakes dont seem so low and comical AND most importantly you know her real feelings and see that she will indeed continue fighting even when she's scared. And she doesnt try so hard to be cool all the time so it just lets her be more genuine. And form actual relationships with everyone with genuine feelings. So its less "she is badass because its funny" and more "she is a badass because she's a badass". But she's still funny, just in more varied ways than simply "the only reason she won this fight so fast is because jokes". Fighting legit threatening enemies in fights that arent over in five seconds. So they can contain... SEVERAL joke..!!! And also some actual fighting for once!!

* hhh i dunno i am very tired im probably not explaining this well

* oh and i think possibly she has a bit of a complex of feeling she's nothing without her yokai watch? Like the yokai are her first friends who never abandoned her. And she always felt like she was useless and it was her own fault that she didnt have any friends. She first started off being all irreverent and goofy when she got the yokai watch cos she was well into her "i dont care anymore" phase of depression and felt certain these new friends would all realise she was awful eventually and leave, so like.. Why get attatched? Just have fun while it lasts. So maybe actually she shows early signs of her depression by trying harder to be normal whenever anyone shows her friendship. Maybe something where she starts straigjtening her hair or dressing more feminine and then you just see this look on her face like her heart has shattered when someone agrees that she does look better now. (Maybe a new yokai she recently caught who was like super cool and she wanted to impress them?) And she gets compulsively obsessed with it, exaggerating it to a ridiculous degree and starting to change other parts of her appearance and everyone goes from giggling about this weird circumstance to getting REALLY DAMN CONCERNED! And in the end something something the yokai who was an asshole abput her needing to be more feminine slips up and shows his true assy colours to the other yokai and theyre like IT WAS YOU and he's like "what? You should be thanking me for fixing your shitty trainer!" And Then Everyone Beats Him Up Forever. Etc etc moral that real friends accept you for who you are and anyone who tells you you have to change to impress them is not worth impressing. Also maybe some aspect where the yokai dude thinks that mallory is trying to impress him cos she has a crush on him, and thats the moment that manages to snap her out of her depressive funk. Self hate overrided by sheer EWW NO IM A LESBIAN, DUDE i just liked ur cool hat, geez. (Wait was that entire plot idea just an excuse to find a way to foreshadow her getting a crush on hailey in yw3...?)

* and maybe i dunno some sort of dramatic episode where she loses the ability to use the yokai watch and is faced with her self worth issues all at once and its super fuckin sad and we all know eventually she will get to see all her yokai friends again cos the plots not gonna end before finishing all the games but still MEGA SUPER SAD MOMENT ANYWAY (also tearful reunions!)

* also i just heard theres a yokai called furgus thats a big adorable hairball that gives people big hair. So maybe that could be one of the comically easy victory episodes? He uses his power on mallory but her hair is already too fluffy to be floofed! Maybe it backfires and turns his own hair into a boring bowl cut, lol? And then maybe a sequel where he returns for revenge a million episodes later but it just so happens to be during the maddiman boss fight and he accidentally cures his balding. "Noooo dont thank me nooooo" *is forced against his will to become a popular advertosing mascot for hair cream* *like straight up just gets sucked into the nearest bottle and sealed like a genie* *cursed forever to fame and fortune and a million dollar salary*

* lol i dont think im as funny as the actual yokai watch writers but i have a few ideas at least. This will be fun to draw!

[mintyvoid]

tw suicide ideation, lots of wanting to die talk + depression stuff

i just get really frustrated with wanting to die but not being able to do it - while being expected to want to live and try when im done and too tired to anymore

like i have felt that life is a chore for a majority of my life, even as a kid I wasn't super motivated to pursue living. While i had things that I wanted to aspire to, I had the inkling that i either would never actually achieve it or have an extremely hard time doing so (and was right).

i still tried though (and constantly failed to live up to any expectation, mine and others), out of obligation and otherwise. I enjoy learning and trying things, but struggled to due to the ~undiagnosed autism~ and accessibility.

and the longer time went on the less and less enjoyable and more frustrating living became. I gave up trying to make friends and just let it happen- and waited for the inevitable of them eventually ignoring me. school left me extremely burnt out and completely hopeless that I would ever succeed. and working did the same.

but always the response from professionals is 'but you're young! you have your whole life ahead of you'

what life? what life when i struggle to do anything, when I can't find support to not feel like garbage.

or "well if you don't care, you should be able to do anything cause you don't care right?"

ive never understood this assumption. I most of the time have zero motivation or drive to live, it does not make me want to do anything. How does not wanting to do anything equate to being able to do anything?

it's like im not taken seriously, because i don't self harm, i don't have any plans to actually kill myself. And that somehow automatically means I can do things.

no one believes me when I say I can't force myself to do things or trick myself.

no one knows what to do when I tell them mindfullness doesn't do anything, being positive daily doesn't do anything, having structure in the form of a job i don't want to have doesn't do anything.

i can't speak to any professional short term because I can see everything they will say coming, its meaningless to me now. Every book i've read is just more of the same and none of it helps.

I've been sayin this for more than 5 years and no one believes me, thinking that i'm over exaggerating or not trying hard enough or long enough.

there are so many others that are able to get better with meds or therapy or luck and I have none of that. and it's just so tiring, im so fucking tired and tired of people asking me to try more only for another treatment plan to fail, only for me to find a new low.

i've gone from stubborn, to hesitant, to accepting, to desperate, to utterly done.

yet i have sooooo much life ahead of me.

[robin-the-enby]

hey there!! i was wondering if icould request a marvel matchup? Preferably with a guy if possible!

my name is dee, my pronouns are she/her. I am a taurus sun, gem moon, and scorpio rising and im an entp (debater).

Appearance wise: Im pretty short at 5”1, i naturally have medium length brown hair but right now with blonde undersides (narcissa malfoy style because im basic) but im always messing around with it and bleaching/dying it. I have hazel eyes that change colour a lot and i wear glasses sadly. im pretty pale, and i would say im pretty slim but my chest is on the bigger side lol. I change up the way i dress all the time, but right now im definitley into the more fairycore slightly grunge vibe.

Personality wise: before you get to know me people usually say that i come across as a little intimidating which i think is hilarious. I reckon its because im very opinionated and when i get the occassional burst of confidence around new people im not afraid to voice those opinions. Im def that person that beings up politics at a party :/. When you get to know me i would say im witty and kind. I can be sarcastic and i like to think im funny haha. Im also a pretty intelligent person, i love learning constantly and have to have my brain stimulated all the time (ravenclaw vibes) or i get so bored so easily. contrastingly, i am the wORST procrastinator. I always end up doing ok though when i just write essays like 2 hours before theyre due. I work well under pressure i guess. i love to read (especially classics and romance). Im a hopeless romantic for sure but i keep tht lowkey hidden because i dont like to be vulnerable around people. I have lowkey anger issues and lash out bc i never learnt how to process emotions lol. I have depression and ADHD (super fun combo there) but i always just make jokes about it because i hate feeling bad. I love to act and LOVE to sing, im on a musical theatre course right now. I also do love messing around with makeup and i love any excuse to dress up all glam and sexy.

Im not sure what else to include really. I hope this is okay! Thank you so so much <3

Hello, thanks for requesting! I also really love reading classics, right now I'm in the middle of Dickens' Bleak house, and I'm loving it! I match you with:

This golden retriever of a man would love how talkative you are during your "occassional bursts of confidence". You can very easily hold your own in an argument, proving your points with cold logic and Stevie is infatuated.

Tbh he is the person that would bring up politics at parties too, not because of love for the topic, but because he is kinda awkward, lket's be honest. However, in you, he finds the perfect partner to discuss everything and anything about the modern world.

You can back up your opinions with logic and knowledge, he can back up his with years o experience from the past, so it makes for very interesting conversations.

It's safe to say that Steve loves both your wit and your kindness. Kindness is something he himself values a lot, the wit is just a bonus. You remind him of Bucky in that way, his best friend was also pretty witty and smooth when he wanted to be, so of course he'd love to have that trait in his partner too.

Although sarcasm isn't Steve's first choice humor wise, he appreciates a good sarcastic joke. And when he, in extreme situation mind you, resorts to using sarcasm, you can be sure he'll absolutely rip the person he's talking to to shreds.

Steve loves learning about this new world he's been thrown into as well, so you too have so many date ideas, you don't have to be worried. Museums, art galleries, theatres, fun fairs, libraries and book stores, you name it, he probably agrees to it.

Whenever you procrastinate, Captain America kind of flares up in Steve and he'll help you do the stuff you need to. He gets that it's not really your fault, since you have ADHD and depression and procrastination is a symptom of both of those illnesses, but he tries his best to help however he can. Both to get you to do the thing and help you with the thing you need to get done.

He's so proud of you whenever you succeed in anything, be it a good grade on your essay or something like that. He always takes you out as a celebration, like to get ice cream or to the park.

He tries to help you with your mental state as well, obviously. If you need to talk to him about your feelings, because they're confusing for you, he'll sit there as long as you need. If you yell at him without thinking first, he takes it, as long as you apologize later. He understands, on a deeper level too. Being a soldier, a super soldier none the less, and America's Golden boy, it puts pressure on a person and it comes with loads of baggage. Just be there for him when he needs it too and he's happy to help.

You don't have to worry about being vulnerable around Stevie, he can be twice the romantic for the both of you. Anything cheesy you can think of, he's probably done at some point. A dinner by candle light, stargazing, chocolates and a teddy bear for valentine's day, he's thought of it all. He's so classy about it too, it's really charming.

He'll support you in any hobby you choose. He'll go to all your place, even sets yoiu up with movie producers (thank Tony for that) if you want, he's really perfect. After any of your plays, he'll wait for you by the entrance to the theatre/cinema with a bouquet of flowers and tell you how wonderful you were.

[mindthewitch]

I have many thoughts tonight apparently. So, here's another rant-ish thing.

I have been on depression medication for 4 months now and I got really scared when I ran out for TWO WHOLE DAYS. This isnt because they are super addictive or give me a high of any sort. Its because they WORK.

Before I explain:

1. I know that medicine doesnt always work for everyone and its not always the best option.

2. I know its too soon to really tell if its helpful in a lasting way.

3. I know things can be addictive and we not notice it.

Anyways, I KNOW they are working.

I always thought when I was younger that if I got diagnosed and got medicine, everything would be hunky-dory. Boy, was I wrong. First of all, I didnt get diagnosed until very recently and I had been told all my life that it was "what everyone went through" and that "I would get over it." This was also wrong. Surprise surprise.

So I got diagnosed, got prescribed a medication, and got a therapist in pretty quick succession. In fact, it is still a complete shock to me that I have a therapist because I was denied any outside help for years, see reasons above. But the therapist came after the medication by about two months. I'm also still dealing with the awkwardness of taking medication with my family, they really dont understand it. Even I was averse to taking meds because they change the chemicals in your brain and I didnt want to become a different person or think differently.

In spite of all that, though, I AM ACTUALLY BETTER. I never wanted to say that before because things would just get bad again after I did. But I am and I'm afraid to go back. Thats why I was scared. I thought id just be better and move on, but I REMEMBER what it felt like before. I still remember the thought processes and the feelings of dread that seemed to follow me everywhere. So I am scared that if I dont have it, I'll have to go back to that constant torment.

Now, its not all perfect, of course, because one pill cant solve everything. I still have self image issues, I still have anxiety(which my therapist promptly diagnosed me with upon our first meeting, another feeling that had been denied, so much so that I cried with relief after the meeting because finally someone saw that its real), I still have trouble talking to people and maintaining connections, I still have intrusive thoughts, and I still have issues opening up and trusting others. In fact, I'm glad to have SOME of it to an extent(for practicality), but it does all get overwhelming sometimes.

Additionally, my mother is my favorite person in the world, but my mental health is an iffy topic for her. She doesnt really understand how I felt most of the time. So when she asks me if I'm better and whats changed, I say that most of the background noise is gone. She does not know what that means and does not know how significant that is. It means that, now, not every single thought that I have is backed up by doubts, connection to pain, guilt, loss, hopelessness, and more. It means that my head is lighter and theres room to grow. It means that I'm not weighed down by the prospects of doom and chaos at every turn. It means that the absolute smallest things dont make me sad anymore. But that would be too hurtful to say out loud.

So yeah, I remember the pain I felt on a regular basis as a result of my own brain. And yeah, I don't ever want to have to deal with that again because I dont know if I can do it after knowing what being better feels like. The fact that im still me and I'm doing so much better is astonishing and that is owed, in part, to the medication that gives me serotonin. My thirteen year old self would be very surprised at where I am today.

[kosmicdream]

im at work binging the ffak faq tag because fuck it (also its 76 pages) and I have a Q: do you think you've had any significant changes to ur influences from 2 years ago?

Omg Im so sorry, the ffak faq is in.. a desperate need of organization. Its something i want to try to get to at some point but it also really overwhelms me. Thankfully though I don’t think i’ve gotten this question!

I’d say yes? there has been a couple significant changes in my influences. I’ve been through a lot in the past 2 years and some of my tastes have reflected that. However its probably not a whole lot. I’m the kind of person that is very nostalgically committed to things, so once something has made its way into my heart at some point it pretty much just stays there forever. Even if i don’t really think or care about it that much I’ll reflect on it and what about that work might have influenced me as time goes on. I also dont really take the time to experience new media. If i do, i want to experience all of it at once in a binge reading experience and I can really mess up my schedule in the result of doing that lol.

I’d say the biggest impact has been Vinland Saga which I think I read sometime in.. I think after july in 2017 sometime..? I’m not completely sure of the date, but it was in 2017. I love Vinland Saga so much now that I think its my favorite manga at this point. A place in my heart where I used to reserve for.. Berserk, i think. Berserk used to be (and of course still is) one of my strongest inspirations but my feelings towards it have kind of gotten more and more sour and critical even though I still deeply appreciate it and I wouldnt be the same artist without -- I still want to see the fruition of that story. But. Its not really my sweetheart anymore lol. I think its a common thing to relate berserk and vinland saga as well (or at least, I’ve seen the comparison quite a lot in reviews?) despite how those two stories are actually significantly different from eachother and its probably kind of a cheap comparison to make. (i think berserk is often just Used As A Comparison To Things because Its Berserk. Its just that kind of series.)

BUT the reason why I’m using it here, is that for me-- both these comics affected me very deeply, during very dark times in my life, and unlike in berserk which almost sucked me into a deeper depression of hopelessness-- vinland saga had a resolution of sorts that felt cathartic, healing and hopeful. in a way i have not really experienced in a story before. it was genuinely one of the BEST reading experiences i have ever had and even if that story is still unfinished, the conclusion of an arc was enough for me to feel like i got a satisfaction from this story in a way i didn’t expect to come at ALL or so early. It makes me feel so happy in my heart and I love it so much for what it gave me. (I also was very fond of thorfinn from the beginning of that story, which i usually dont care for protagonists that much, its usually some other character i get attached to.)

I don’t really expect berserk to give me a ‘pay off’ at this point and so I’m kind of thankful that i have found another series that i can connect with in this very specific deep way like i did with berserk, but also kind of gave a sense of closure so that I can almost appreciate berserk more now instead of feeling bitter towards it. I dont need it to do anything more because vinland saga helped give me that already. Vinland Saga also, from a visual standpoint, inspired me a lot to work more on my art and pages. (or specifically, spend more time on my pages to make them look better.)

I think besides that comic, which is the hands down #1 biggest influence, i also have very recently read Houseki No Kuni/Land of the Lustrous and it also inspired me quite a lot but in totally different ways. I could probably go on and on about it as well but I think to summarize my feelings is that it made me excited about manga again. I want to see more stories like this which are creative, yet simple and flexible and the art perfectly compliments the narrative. It really feels like the artist knows what they want to talk about and they are comfortable drawing in the way they like to.

Other comics I have read recently and its completion are: FMA, Eden: its an endless world!FMA was very solid and I feel it completely deserves the attention it gets but i also don’t feel like I really need to think about it anymore now that I’m done reading it??? I guess its almost too polished for me? I still am thankful i finally decided to read it and I enjoyed it a lot. Alphonse is wonderful. Eden made me annoyed for... a lot of reasons LOL but I also really think its going to be a comic that ill dissect my emotions over and think about in detail. and i can really appreciate when a story might not really be my think but was different and still interesting enough to make me fuss over. Also for whatever reason the scans i read of that comic had hilarious, and i think purposefully so, sound effects and i have not laughed so hard at such inappropriate moments in a manga ever before and I think that makes that reading experience so special to me. in such a strange way. and i absolutely want to use sound effects like in that comic.. thing

I think in the past 2 years i also finished rereading Parasyte (because i never got to the ending when i first started reading it) and i also kind of feel kind of a mixed bag with that story. The premise was so exciting when i first read it years ago, i think in 2010 is when i first read it, but i ran out of volumes and never got back to it. Now that i finished it I was like oh that was it? ok i guess. and I dont really feel like i was as excited about it.I also read Devilman in the past 2 years and that was interesting? to reflect on from like, a historical significance point of view but like. I didn’t super duper get into it. It almost felt like a needed reading requirement that i had put off for way too long and Now i feel like I have a better context to the evolution of many of my favorite comics and where they draw influence from in this series. (Also it was very fun to watch the yuasa adaptation recently bc yuasa is one of my biggest art influences for his kemonozume series specifically)

Hmm I’m trying to think of anything else, but honestly Vinland Saga feels are still pouring thru so I guess... vinland saga lol.

Oh! I finally read Pluto by Naoki Urasawa in the past couple years (i think) and, like, i already love Urasawa (Monster is hands down one of my favorite comics/animes), i love tezuka (i will literally read anything he made), i knew id adore Pluto and.. i did! I think one of my new projects (replacer) was definitely influenced by pluto in a huge way.

A couple weeks ago i read Witch Hat Atelier and it was gorgeous, but short so far.

Ok I can’t really think of anything else but I hope this has been interesting/informative of what is circling around in my head at the moment! :D thanks for asking.

[podcastsandcoffee]

Rules:

tagged by: @sociallyawkward--fics

answer these 85 statements about yourself, then tag 20 people

tagging: I don’t have 20 friends. Soo... @meginoi @pirate-patton @parkersanders

Last

1. drink - Water

2. phone call - My cousin

3. text message - “Bless”

4. song you listened - “Say Something” A Great Big World

5. time you cried - I cry when I’m angry so uhm... yesterday

6. dated someone twice? - I’ve been single forever

7. kissed someone and regretted it - Neber kissed anyone.

8. been cheated on - Nope

9. lost someone special - 6 Months ago

10. been depressed - It’s a way of life

11. gotten drunk and thrown up - most I’ve had is a few sips

fave colours

12. Purple

13. Black

14. Teal

in the last year have you…

15. made new friends - Not really

16. fallen out of love - Fallen in love perhaps

17. laughed until you cried - all the time

18. found out someone was talking about you - still salty about it.

19. met someone who changed you - Im gonna say yes even though it was more a year and a half ago

20. found out who your friends are - yea

21. kissed someone on your Facebook friends list - Never kissed anyone so...

general

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl - Most of them? I don’t count.

23. do you have any pets - My cat Blu and my dog Lexi.

24. do you want to change your name - I’d prefer to change my real namers Luna

25. what did you do for your last birthday - Had a couple of friends over and went out to eat.

26. what time did you wake up today - 6am

27. what were you doing at midnight last night - Talking to the one that tagged me for this

28. what is something you cant wait for - Moving out of the house, being able to make my own decisions on my mental health, not having to hide everything about myself from my parents.

30. what are you listening to right now - “Perfect” by Simple Plan

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom - Yep. Don’t remember where but I remember the name.

32. something that’s getting on your nerves - people that think th can be my friend just because they want to use me for my intellect.

33. most visited website - Tumblr

34. hair color - Ginger. I’m you average redhead.

35. long or short hair - relatively long. Reaches the bottom of my shoulder blades.

36. do you have a crush on someone - *cough* erm. Mhm

37. what do you like about yourself - Oh no. A self love question. I like that I do a lot of extra curricular things?

38. want any piercings? - yea. I want two more on my ears.

39. blood type - AB???

40. nicknames - Luna, Lu, A

41. relationship status - singleeee

42. zodiac - Scorpio! October 30

43. pronouns - she/her

44. fave tv shows - Gravity Falls, Designated Survivor, Stranger Things

45. tattoos - I really want a small butterfly on my wrist.

46. right or left handed - left handed

47. ever had surgery - nope

48. piercings - one in my ears.

49. sport - Marching Band? Does that count?

50. vacation - I’ve been to Jamaica? I’d love to visit Japan!

51. trainers - I call them tennis shoes but they’re great.

more general

52. eating - I had a really small steak for lunch

53. drinking - I’m not drinking anything but I had water for lunch

54. i’m about to watch - Soul Eater or Gravity Falls

55. waiting for - my sanity, romance (I swear I’m a hopeless romantic), freedom, The feeling of not being stressed

56. want - my friends to be happy, love, money, sleep. So much sleep

57. get married - I’d love to one day.

58. career - Technical Thetre or Artist

which is better

59. hugs or kisses - Hugs

60. lips or eyes - EYES! I love doing eye makeup

61. shorter or taller - id rather be taller.

62. older or younger - Older. I’m mature for my age and I cannot stand people my age. Let alone younger. Plus the older you are the more freedom you have.

63. nice arms or stomach - stomach. I hate my muffin top. :P

64. hookup or relationship - relationship. I emotionally invest in someone before even thinking about them that way. Hence I’ve had the same crush for three years

65. troublemaker or hesitant - super, super hesitant.

have you ever

66. kissed a stranger - nooooo I can barely think about kissing himmm

67. drank hard liquor - nope

68. lost glasses - I did for a couple of days and nearly had a heart attack. That’s why I keep ALL of my old glasses

69. turned someone down - ahhhhh I had to and I felt so bad but I didn’t LIKE him...

70. sex on first date - I’m asexual

71. broken someone’s heart - ...I’m sorry I had to turn you down!

72. had your heart broken - and old crush back in fourth grade. He sucked anyways. Was a player and is now kinda dumb.

73. been arrested - Nuh uh. Not while I’m even slightly sane

74. cried when someone died - no. I’m strangely apathetic to those things. Like- I know I should be sad and I should feel sad but I just don’t.

75. fallen for a friend - Yea.

do you believe in

76. yourself - hah. That’s funny

77. miracles - I don’t know.. that just feels too good to be true.

78. love at first sight - not at all.

79. santa claus - no

80. kiss on a first date - that is a no bueno

81. angels - I like to think so.

other

82. best friend’s name - Erin!

83. eye colour - Green/Grey/Blue/Brown. My eyes can’t decide

84. fave movie - The Greatest Showman?

85. fave actor - Hugh Jackman. He was in Les Mis and The Greatest Showman so.