#i also feel guilty for loading up the conditions like a fucking pez gun and eating them up bc like

[mindthewitch]

I have many thoughts tonight apparently. So, here's another rant-ish thing.

I have been on depression medication for 4 months now and I got really scared when I ran out for TWO WHOLE DAYS. This isnt because they are super addictive or give me a high of any sort. Its because they WORK.

Before I explain:

1. I know that medicine doesnt always work for everyone and its not always the best option.

2. I know its too soon to really tell if its helpful in a lasting way.

3. I know things can be addictive and we not notice it.

Anyways, I KNOW they are working.

I always thought when I was younger that if I got diagnosed and got medicine, everything would be hunky-dory. Boy, was I wrong. First of all, I didnt get diagnosed until very recently and I had been told all my life that it was "what everyone went through" and that "I would get over it." This was also wrong. Surprise surprise.

So I got diagnosed, got prescribed a medication, and got a therapist in pretty quick succession. In fact, it is still a complete shock to me that I have a therapist because I was denied any outside help for years, see reasons above. But the therapist came after the medication by about two months. I'm also still dealing with the awkwardness of taking medication with my family, they really dont understand it. Even I was averse to taking meds because they change the chemicals in your brain and I didnt want to become a different person or think differently.

In spite of all that, though, I AM ACTUALLY BETTER. I never wanted to say that before because things would just get bad again after I did. But I am and I'm afraid to go back. Thats why I was scared. I thought id just be better and move on, but I REMEMBER what it felt like before. I still remember the thought processes and the feelings of dread that seemed to follow me everywhere. So I am scared that if I dont have it, I'll have to go back to that constant torment.

Now, its not all perfect, of course, because one pill cant solve everything. I still have self image issues, I still have anxiety(which my therapist promptly diagnosed me with upon our first meeting, another feeling that had been denied, so much so that I cried with relief after the meeting because finally someone saw that its real), I still have trouble talking to people and maintaining connections, I still have intrusive thoughts, and I still have issues opening up and trusting others. In fact, I'm glad to have SOME of it to an extent(for practicality), but it does all get overwhelming sometimes.

Additionally, my mother is my favorite person in the world, but my mental health is an iffy topic for her. She doesnt really understand how I felt most of the time. So when she asks me if I'm better and whats changed, I say that most of the background noise is gone. She does not know what that means and does not know how significant that is. It means that, now, not every single thought that I have is backed up by doubts, connection to pain, guilt, loss, hopelessness, and more. It means that my head is lighter and theres room to grow. It means that I'm not weighed down by the prospects of doom and chaos at every turn. It means that the absolute smallest things dont make me sad anymore. But that would be too hurtful to say out loud.

So yeah, I remember the pain I felt on a regular basis as a result of my own brain. And yeah, I don't ever want to have to deal with that again because I dont know if I can do it after knowing what being better feels like. The fact that im still me and I'm doing so much better is astonishing and that is owed, in part, to the medication that gives me serotonin. My thirteen year old self would be very surprised at where I am today.