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heliza24 · 1 year ago

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The Radical Act of Quitting (and Wilhelm)

This is a little more personal than my Young Royals metas normally are. It’s really one-half personal essay, one-half show analysis. It’s something of a spiritual successor to my post about radical acceptance and Simon’s arc in season 2. And it’s also about the reasons why I want Wilhelm to renounce the crown by the end of season 3. (I am stating that early, because I know many people disagree. Feel free to engage but please do so with kindness; a lot of this is quite vulnerable for me.)

I’m disabled. Specifically, I have a chronic condition that began in my early twenties, and slowly got worse and worse until I was finally diagnosed at 28. I’m 31 now, and I’ve had to grieve the person I once was many times over. I used to be a dancer, I used to be an adventurous eater, I used to love to travel. My chronic pain and restrictive medical diet have taken those things away from me, piece by piece. But the thing I mainly want to talk about right now is quitting my job. At the time of my diagnosis, I had worked at my job full time for three years. For a few years after my diagnosis, I tried to remain at my job part-time, because I loved it. I worked in the music industry, and I had the best team of coworkers. I had a great work/life balance, I was never stressed about work. I looked forward to each day in the office. When I went to events and had to introduce myself during an ice-breaker, I would usually include a fact about my job. I found a lot of my identity there. All of my work directly supported musicians, which was something I was very proud of.

So I tried very, very hard to hang on to my job. My company gave out these ridiculously heavy plaques for employees who had been at the company for 5 years, and I was determined to get one. But it was really hard. I could no longer type sitting up for more than a few minutes, so I did every day from my lap desk in bed. (This is still where I write all of my fic and meta!) I struggled to talk to customers on the phone while I was in pain. The office was closed because of the pandemic, but I would have had to work from home regardless because I couldn’t handle the commute. Every day was a slog. And my pain and fatigue weren’t getting better. In fact they were continuing to get worse as time went on. Finally, my five-year work anniversary arrived. I made it, but I felt like a runner barely stumbling over the finish line. It was the end of 2021. I talked with my friends and my therapist and my disability benefits lawyer. “I don’t think I can keep working,” I would say. And then I would cry, because the thought of letting go of this last part of my identity, when my illness had already taken so much, was so horrible.

After several months of deliberating and grieving, I quit. My boss begged me to reconsider (God bless him, honestly). Was there anything he could do to better accommodate my needs? Could I work a different schedule to let me sleep more? Could I work freelance on specific projects they really needed me on? I wanted to say yes so badly. But I knew. The longer I held on, the more I fought, the worse my health would become. And the worse my health would become, the more I would struggle with work. The joy I had felt during my first three years in that office had already drained away. I was fighting just to get through each day, and I didn’t want to fight anymore.

I recognize that having the resources and disability benefits to even consider quitting is a huge privilege. There are a lot of disabled and chronically ill folks who struggle through work at great detriment to their health because they can’t afford not to keep working. So I recognize how lucky I was to be able to quit. I am so grateful for that option, even as I mourn all the things I have lost.

In my meta about Simon, I talked about radical acceptance and how it has been my guiding light as a disabled person. Embracing radical acceptance means that I have done my best to accept what I can and cannot do, and what I can and cannot control, without judgment. I accepted that I needed to walk away from my job. But how was I supposed to define myself without it?

Capitalism defines most peoples’ self-identity, whether they realize it or not. We identify with our jobs, or with the “grind” culture, or with the moral goodness associated with working hard. But here I was, without a job. And I had my whole adult life ahead of me. I had to find a way to make a new identity outside of work.

Around this time, I started to gravitate towards stories where characters are faced with similar decisions, even if I didn’t realize it yet. And let me tell you, there aren’t many of them.

@bluedalahorse and I talk about this a lot. In our ultra-franchised world, the point of stories, even those that are supposedly about rebellions, is often to return characters to the status quo, so that the next movie/comic/episode can pick back up where the last one left off. And when there is a significant change in the status quo, it is usually because the characters worked, and pushed, and struggled to achieve that change. It’s very rare to see a story about someone who walked away from something that was harming them. It’s rarer still to find something that deals with the aftermath, as characters work to re-establish themselves.

I’ve found a lot of comfort in true stories of people leaving cults and high demand religions, and of queer people forced to leave their conservative families behind. In all of these cases, people are consciously abandoning a predominant belief system that is harming them, and have to start over as they craft their new sense of identity. (I am also queer, which adds an additional level of connection). Often people in these situations come to rely on their found family, a thing I have also found to be true in my own life.

I quit my job in between seasons 1 and 2 of Young Royals, and I don’t think I realized how many themes connected my experience to Wilhelm’s until I was watching season 2. Wilhelm is the protagonist of Young Royals, and his central dramatic question has always been: will he fulfill his duty as a royal? Or will he quit, and discover who he is beyond the system he was raised in? Simon is a huge part of this decision, obviously, but the question has never been strictly about Simon.

While I have no personal experience with the monarchy, I do know what it’s like to consider walking away from a role that you assumed you would fill for the rest of your life. I know what it’s like to think about quitting your job.

There’s so much pressure on Wilhelm to assume the role of perfect Crown Prince. He’s told constantly—by Kristina, by Jan-Olof, by the court-- that he can’t let his family or his country down by deviating from this role in any way.

This is a pretty common experience for people who are trying to quit something. They are told that they will let down those around them if they leave. People who are leaving high demand religions are told that they will not be able to enter heaven. Queer people in conservative families are told they can’t come out because “it would break [elderly relative]’s heart and kill them.” When I quit my job, I thought a lot about how I’d be letting down my coworkers and everyone who knew me as a hyper-competent career-driven person.(This included some of my doctors by the way, who expressed their disappointment in my failure to adhere to their idea of a “worthy” disabled person, i.e. someone who soldiered through the pain and continued to work. Some withdrew care because of this and honestly I will never forgive them). And maybe I was letting people down, and maybe ex-Mormons really will spend the afterlife in outer darkness, and maybe all the grandmas of queer people will be so upset that they kick the bucket when their grandkids come out. But ultimately, if your happiness or safety or well being depends on leaving, it doesn’t really matter. You have to do it anyway. You have to abandon the things that you can no longer carry. You have to discover who you are on the other side of religion, of the closet, of capitalism.

I think about this every time people in the fandom talk about how Wilhelm leaving the line of succession will create a constitutional crisis, or impact all of Sweden negatively. I am personally pretty anti-monarchist, but I honestly can’t even tell you if I think that Wilhelm removing himself from the line of succession would bring about the end of the Swedish monarchy or not. Honestly, I don’t really care. I care about Wilhelm. I want him to seek happiness, to search for the future that must live on the other side of this oppressive system he finds himself in. A constitutional crisis? That’s Kristina’s problem, that’s Jan-Olof’s problem, that’s the government’s problem. Radical acceptance means focusing on the things you can control, and Wilhelm can only control his own happiness.

When this issue gets debated, I often see people argue that Wilhelm is too young to make the decision to give up the throne. But the reality is that we ask teenagers to make decisions about their futures all the time. @bluedalahorse wrote a great piece of meta about that here. I love what she said so much I’m going to quote it directly:

Nonetheless, we ask teenagers of Sara and Wilhelm’s ages to think about decisions that affect their future all the time. We ask them to consider what career they’ll pursue or what university to attend. Teenagers who grow up in various denominations of Christianity consider whether they’re going to go through with Confirmation or sometimes Baptism. Other religions (ones where I can’t speak from as much personal experience) have various other rites of passage around this age, and various cultures have coming of age rituals. For some teens, they do these things willingly and with their whole heart, whereas for others, they do it to please their parents or families or for the social norms of it all.

And if Wilhelm is too young to decide to give up the throne, how can he be old enough to decide to keep it? Surely the decision to take on the governance of a country, even in a symbolic way, requires as much, if not more, maturity than the decision to pursue a less high-powered career elsewhere.

When people in the fandom claim that Wilhelm is too young to make this decision, I hear Kristina telling Wilhelm to wait until he’s 18 to come out, because only then will he be responsible enough to deal with the consequences. That’s a delaying tactic, and nothing more. People who don’t want you to leave will ask you to delay your decision over and over again, because they think that if they can kick the can down the road just a little farther, they’ll never have to lose you.

I also see people argue that Wilhelm isn’t qualified to make a decision because he doesn’t know enough about the “real world” to know what he is choosing. To be honest I don’t think most teenagers know much about the “real world”. I definitely didn’t. But we ask them to make decisions that will affect their futures anyway. And here’s another way to look at this: Wilhelm has plenty of places he can look to for examples of how “ordinary” people live. He can find out what it’s like to be from a noble but non-royal family from the students at Hillerska. He can talk to Simon and Linda about what their lives are like. He can read the millions of books, or watch the thousands of movies and TV shows that feature non-royal protagonists and were created by non-royal artists. But only Wilhelm knows what it is like to be Crown Prince. No one else has had that experience. So I would argue that actually, Wilhelm is the only one qualified to make this call.

Ultimately, the agency and mental capacity of people who are quitting is often doubted, usually by the people who have the most to gain by keeping them in place.

So many people have so much invested in maintaining the status quo. And as soon as you invest in a system, someone daring to leave puts your world view into question. Why are you dealing with so many oppressive rules if someone else can just leave? We see this a lot with high demand religions and cults; if someone threatens to break free, the members often join ranks and work together to pressure them to stay. What has your sacrifice as a woman in a patriarchal religion meant, for example, if another woman can decide to simply walk away? Does Kristina’s grim life of duty and sacrifice matter, if Wilhelm can just opt out and seek happiness instead?

Then of course, there are all the benefits that an oppressive system confers on its most privileged members. Those benefits are in danger of disappearing if enough people quit, so high ranking people will work to keep others in line. Think about all the people who benefit from the monarchy: all the staff who work for the royal family, all the nobles who get their reputation by proximity to the monarch, and everyone in Sweden who in general benefits from the image that a long-standing institution of white, straight, conservative power projects.

And those aren’t people Wilhelm needs to be responsible for (or should be concerned with placating, to be honest). If the monarchy fails because Wilhelm leaves, it’s because there’s always been a fault in the system. Those relying on this outdated system have signed their own fate.

No one knows fully what life will be like after they quit. That’s the radical acceptance part of quitting. You have to make a blind leap, and discover a whole new world once you land. Wilhelm is no more sheltered than anyone before they take this leap. Everyone who quits—a religion, a cult, a job—has to go through this process of rediscovery. You have to learn by doing. People do that successfully all the time, and I believe that Wilhelm can too.

When I was talking about this meta with @bluedalahorse, we talked a lot about Plato’s allegory of the cave. That story goes something like this:

Several prisoners have been kept inside a cave their entire life. They are chained to the spot, and cannot move. They are facing the back wall of the cave. Behind them is a fire, and in between them and the fire, their captors walk back and forth, casting shadows on the wall. Because the prisoners have been kept in the cave their entire life and have only ever seen shadows, they think the shadows are real. They think the only thing that exists in the world is shadows. Until one day, one of the prisoners is set free. He goes outside for the first time, where he is blinded by the sun and overwhelmed by stimulus. But he discovers the real world. He now knows that the shadows he was used to are pale imitations of the real things. He’s so excited that he goes back to tell his fellow prisoners what he has learned. But the prisoners get angry at him for challenging their world view. They don’t believe him, no matter what he says.

There are a lot of ways you can interpret this story. Some people think that Plato is talking about the role of philosophers in society. Some people use it to explain a philosophical concept he writes about elsewhere called “forms”. But I think one thing is clear. Plato didn’t write the allegory of the cave (and it didn’t stick around in human imagination for thousands of years) because he thought you should stay in the cave. Leaving the cave is hard. You will be met with resistance. But discovering the real world, when you were only seeing shadows before, is worth it.

I want Wilhelm to leave to be happy, to see the real world instead of shadows. But I also believe it’s what the story demands. It’s the only answer that makes asking the dramatic question—should Wilhelm conform or rebel?—worthwhile to me.

To be king, but to be the first gay king, would be such an unsatisfactory ending for me. It reminds me of how hard I tried to keep my job—by working from bed, by reducing my hours. My boss could do the best he could to be accommodating, but ultimately working was harming me. You can’t adapt the monarchy enough to make it a non-damaging space for Wilhelm, because there will always be people pressuring him to conform to its straight, stoic ideals. Those ideals have been around for hundreds of years, and to put all of the burden of reforming them on Wilhelm is unfair and unrealistic. If he does stay, I see him struggling to change a system that is not designed for him. Even if he does make small victories for representation or inclusion in that context, it will come at an enormous emotional cost. I just don’t think it’s worth it. Not when there’s a whole world where Wilhelm could be doing good, important work– in whatever arena he chooses– that won’t also come along with inherent emotional trauma.

Believe me, there’s a whole world to be discovered after you walk away from something that’s damaging you. You grieve, yes, but you also grow. Since quitting I’ve been able to love my friends harder, to treat myself better, to give back to the disabled community. I think if you talk to most people who have committed a similar act of radical quitting they’ll say the same thing. I want this future for Wilhelm, but I also want this kind of story to exist for all of us. I want there to be a story that represents those of us who have had to make these kinds of decisions. I want there to be a story that can encourage people who are currently wrestling with their desire to leave and the pressure to stay. And I want there to be a story that shows the hope, the bravery, and the self-belief that is required to walk away and seek a brighter future.

#young royals #prince wilhelm #wilhelm young royals #my meta #my crip media reviews #this turned out to be very long thank you if you read it all

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nilesabbott · 10 months ago

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It's now some time ago, since I posted here. I mean, nobody seems to read my stuff anyways, so it seems to don't matter 😅

Anyway I want to give a update on myself and things around me.

My weight loss journey continued. Meanwhile I lost over 55 kilos since last year and even build muscle. I even developed a slight hint of abs 😂

I cut my beard completely down to a goatee. I felt, that I was hiding behind the full beard. You know, it became kinda a mask for me. A shield to hide behind. Now I lowered at least that shield and discovered, that a young and kinda handsome face was hiding behind it.

And I start to let my hair grow out on the sides too. My goal is a haircut like Health Ledger, Brandon Lee or Ville Valo had. It definitely will look great on me.

Unfortunately my face and new body wasn't helping to find a new partner. That is the most frustrating part, you know? Most other gays are just looking for fun, a non-monogamous relationship and such. Especially that guys in my near. Plus mostly guys over 50 try to hit me up, while I just look for guys between 21 and 35 and have that written in my profile also.

To be honest: Being alone makes me kinda sad and feeling like I don't deserve to be happy.

It's a "problem" that I am not into bears and older guys. But bears always remind me of my dad and I don't feel attracted to my dad romantically or worse 😅 And similar with older dudes, especially since I don't feel like my age.

Honestly: I feel like in my mid 20th, especially since I wasted my 20th on my ex wife. I just NOW have my glow up and try to put my life together. At the same time, it feels like time is running out to find a partner. You know, I do not want to become that old guy creeping up to younger folks like these guys who write to me now.

To be honest: At the end, I kinda gave up already. If every Jack has his Jill, then I am Zachary 😂

Besides of that: I quit my therapy. Not because I think I am above that and don't need it. No no, I definitely need therapy. I quit it, because my therapist was an arsehole. She not wanted to help me getting along with my trauma. Instead, she wanted to help the insurance company saving money on me. I tried to tell her about shit that destroyed me, her reaction was "But that shouldn't stop you to go to work. How many job applications did you wrote? Where did you applied to?" and such. Totally ignoring stuff which is bothering me and acting like she isn't my therapist but a worker from the job department of government. That really made me feel like "Ok, if even my therapist don't care about me, why should anyone else?". The final moment, which made me quit was, when I told her about my strong fear looking at the political situation in Germany, with growing percentage of Nazis and shit. I told her I fear more violence and such. Her reaction "No, Nazis won't harm any queer people. It's only the foreigners who harm queer folks, I read a statistics about it.". Like ... WHAT?! I have friends who got attacked by Nazis, pride events received hate and you only have to look online to see the hate from the Nazis towards the queer community. Idk where she read the statistics, maybe on the AfD homepage. Or she is one of them too, Idk.

So all in all it wasn't a help at all and only fed my trust issues even further. Now I can't even trust therapists, which makes it kinda impossible for me to seek help.

But something positive: I quit drinking about a year ago. Not 100%. But it's now only one bottle of beer in a few weeks, which is really nothing. And my January was, in fact, completely alcohol free. That stuff helps me to get my body in a better shape and will help my mental health too.

And I kinda "rediscovered" some music. I listen again a lot to HIM and VV (Ville Valo). I was a giant fan in the 1990th/2000th and kinda stopped following a few years ago. Even though I had a hughe crush on Ville and still have. He is the only older guy I would like to be with 😅 But it isn't just about him (pun not intended 😂), it's the whole music and lyrics. Love can hurt, but at the same time, it can be something absolutely beautiful too. And at all: Self growth is important.

So ... what else? Idk �� I try to be somehow positive, find a job again and to make my own luck.

By the way: In the pics you see how I look now 😂

#gaypride #gaymen #gayhot #gaygoth #gothgay #gothic #goth aesthetic #gaysingle #gay single #queer #queer community #homosexuell #pride #lgbtqia

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noahhawthorneauthor · 2 years ago

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I'm feeling discouraged, and elated.

Discouraged due to my real job, which is a whole can of worms I won't fully get into right now. I will say this. If you love someone who is a health care professional, or in my case a direct support professional, (assist people with disabilities) please tell them you love them.

I love my job. I really do. I've been in this field for ten years and nobody stays in this job for the money, because there is none. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm scraping by, and I was really hoping for a holiday bonus or something to say 'hey, thanks for catching COVID onsite and working your ass off for the last year because we're severely understaffed,' but I digress. This isn't an uncommon situation, and lots of people have it worse than I do and I AM thankful for what I do have. A roof over our heads, food in our bellies. That's enough.

BUT

For the first time, my monthly royalties from Amazon will be over $100. Last month was awesome, and you folks really showed up for Phantom and Rook's release. That's not even including the D2D sales or my author bookstore, and while it's a small number in comparison to other authors, I'm fricking elated.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is, this indie author will more than likely never be able to quit my job and write full time. Honestly, even if I became a millionaire I'd still work where I do because I love serving the people I work for. They're amazing. But, this indie author will make ends meet because of YOU. I will be able to get a few extra things for Christmas because of YOU.

So remember that. Remember the power you have and how much you can change someone's life by showing up for them. The reblogs, shares, comments. They all pay off, and I thank you.

Again.

Thank. You.

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theforgottenmcrmy · 3 years ago

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After All (Part 10/?)

Pairing: Riff X OC Jet Girl

Warnings: Explicit Language, Racism (nothing explicit, but it’s there)

Summary: It’s hard to forget your first love, after all.

Word Count: 8500 ish.

DISCLAIMER

Please note that this is a reimagining of the film West Side Story (2021) and as a result is slightly AU.

Masterlist /// Part 1 /// Part 9 /// Part 10 /// Part 11

A/N: Thank you all so much for your understanding, patience, and continued support as I work on this story. It really is appreciated so very much. I do want to give a heads up that starting next week the updates may be a little less frequent. I left my full time job due to a bad work environment in January, and that has been the main reason I’ve been able to update as often as I have. Next week, I start back up at my old part time job (and taking a severe paycut too, but I guess that’s the price of trying to secure my mental health, lol), and I’ll have to start balancing not leaving that job too soon while still searching for my next full time job and figuring out what the heck I want to do in life. Worst case scenario, the updates may slow to once a week, but I’ll let you all know if that becomes necessary.

Also, I wanted to say that when I planned this story, it was so tempting to go down the “Graziella is just mean to be mean” trail, but I think the angle I ended up going with is more in character for her, and I hope you all do too.

I hope you enjoy, and happy hump day! (Is that still a thing?) :)

Part 10: The Color of Envy

Graziella was not just some dumb broad.

In fact, she was rather smart, if she said so herself.

She didn’t always apply herself when she’d been in school, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t book smart.

Since she was old enough to venture out into New York City on her own, she’d been drawn to the West Side. If the West Side taught anyone anything, it was street smarts.

But most importantly, Graziella was people smart. Whether it was when she was in the middle of a hustling and bustling crowd downtown, or when she was telling jokes and entertaining her closest friends, extroverted Grazi thrived the most when she was among others. As a result, she’d gotten quite good at reading people. Throughout her life, she’d discovered even the most stubborn of people let her in eventually once she won them over with her charm.

Maybe that’s why she had been so drawn to Tony initially, and then Riff- both of them were guarded, and she liked the challenge of getting them to open up to her. She made relatively quick work of Tony. Riff, on the other hand, proved to be more difficult. Still, her years of hanging around him before they even started seeing each other hadn’t been for nothing.

Grazi could tell right away when Riff started acting differently. His mind seemed to always be somewhere else, and he had a lot less to say, which was very out of character for him.

She didn’t know the cause of his changed behavior at first, only that she was certain she had noticed it. When Velma told her who had come back to the neighborhood shortly after, everything clicked in her mind.

Grazi had always considered Roxie a friend, even though Grazi had gone along with Riff’s order to ice her out over a year ago. Tony had also gone against Riff’s order at the time; Grazi noticed that Tony would disappear repeatedly at night, specifically when Roxie should’ve been getting off her shift at the factory. When Grazi and Tony were still together, and before the rumble with the Egyptian Kings, she’d even caught Tony sneaking out the window once or twice, temporarily leaving her alone in his bed and at the mercy of his folks if they opened his bedroom door before he got back and found her lying there. Despite all of this, Grazi never wished Roxie any ill will.

But now that Grazi was somewhat involved with Riff, she found herself feeling protective of him. After Riff had called things off with Roxie, Grazi, like Tony, noticed the occasional slip in his cool demeanor that the others almost always failed to notice. Grazi hadn’t been as close to Riff then, but she could still tell how much Roxie had meant to him, and how much it had torn him apart to call things off between them.

Nowadays, she and Riff had an agreement to keep things casual, and even though she was open to the possibility of it eventually becoming something more, it wasn’t necessarily something she’d bet on. But now that Roxie was back in the West Side, Grazi was more worried about Riff than herself, and she found herself wishing that she had encouraged her relationship with Riff to develop into something more while she had the chance.

When Grazi heard from Rhonda, Action’s latest girlfriend, that Roxie had been in Riff’s apartment in the early hours of the morning a few days ago, she could only imagine what they had been up to. She doubted it was anything like she and Riff had been up to recently, so any jealousy she may have felt quickly subsided. Then, she remembered that the pair used to go out late at night on occasion. Whatever they’d been up to, Tony was looped in, that much she knew. But he never shared the details of it with Grazi.

Rhonda added that Action said Roxie was going to be helping out with the auto shop’s books. Grazi believed that was the truth of it all, but something about the situation still bothered her.

How long was Roxie even going to be back in the neighborhood for? If Roxie and Riff weren’t going to be able to work things out between them, then what was the point of them being around each other at all? Grazi wasn’t willing to sit by and witness history repeat itself.

She knew that if Riff and Roxie spent too much time together, it was only a matter of time until Riff came around to the idea of them getting back together. Grazi didn’t know everything there was to know about Riff by any means, but she’d gotten better at reading him. She also knew how, despite the fact that there had been other girls after Roxie, including herself, none had lasted with him as long as Roxie had. When whatever was going on between them now came to their inevitable conclusion, Riff would be hurt, again.

It was also concerning that Grazi had no idea what Roxie was thinking about it all, or what her motivations were.

Grazi didn’t want to put up a fight over Riff, but she was prepared to if she thought it was in his best interest. Former friend or not.

Fortunately, maybe dress shopping with Roxie, Velma, and some of the other girls for the upcoming dance would be able to provide her with some much desired insight.

————————————————————————————

Roxie should have known that something was up when Riff stopped walking her home without an explanation.

Riff had asked Diesel to walk her home the previous week for the same night he was supposed to meet Asim. Riff had walked her home the next few days after that though, assuring her several times that Asim was satisfied and the Egyptian Kings were not going to be a problem again. While Roxie still insisted that an escort was no longer necessary, she eventually realized that she didn’t mind Riff’s presence as much as she thought she would.

The following week, Diesel had walked her home the first few nights. She thought Riff’s absence was a bit odd, but knew it was probably better not to press the issue. Who knows what Jet business he was up to that she didn’t have a clue about.

Her extra shifts she had taken on at the factory, while temporary, were quickly wearing her down. She wouldn’t have time to swing by the auto shop and check in with Riff until Thursday, so until then, she had to make the most of the situation.

Largely due to her friendship with Velma, Diesel and Roxie had always gotten on well. It didn’t take long for Roxie to get an idea of what Velma saw in him. Beneath the tough exterior was someone who cared about certain people and what they thought of him far more than he ever let on.

It shouldn’t have surprised Roxie that Diesel had tried to pry some information out of her regarding what she and Riff had been up to. She didn’t blame him, she knew he was likely just making sure Riff wasn’t getting in over his head.

Roxie almost caved and told him the truth. And if she knew Riff would be alright with it, she probably would have. But Riff had mentioned several times over that the only people who knew about the problem with Asim and their trips to the gambling houses were Action and Ice.

Instead, Roxie could only assure him that their business with what they had been up to was over.

“You're still hangin’ ‘round the shop, though,” Diesel pointed out, not bothering to hide a smile that was forming.

“Yes, in exchange for Riff allowing you guys to actually talk to me again, I’m helping him out with the books,” she replied, a bit more snippy than she had intended.

Diesel’s smile fell. “Ya know, Roxie…” he trailed off, lost in thought. Eventually, he let out a small sigh. “I suppose I owe ya an apology?” he asked awkwardly. “‘Bout what happened back in the day, that is.”

Considering everything that had happened that was supposed to be encompassed in his apology, it wasn’t a grand one by any means. Still, Roxie knew that was about as good as an apology that she’d get from Diesel. “Thanks,” she replied quietly. “I know you were just doing what Riff asked.”

Diesel nodded with somewhat of an ashamed look on his face.

“Just don’t do it ever again,” Roxie teased, in an effort to lighten the mood, “or else you’ll upset Velma.”

Diesel whistled. “Wouldn’t want that,” he stated. “Speaking of Velma, she tells me you’re seein’ some bookish fella now…”

Roxie laughed once humorlessly. “We are not having this discussion.”

Not only was Diesel low on her list of people she wanted to discuss her dating life with, she also knew that he was more likely to be in Riff’s pocket than hers. Thankfully, he dropped the subject, and the two continued in a somewhat comfortable silence.

————————————————————————————

Seeing Roxie with someone else shouldn't have bothered Riff.

But it did.

After that Sunday, Riff asked Diesel to walk Roxie home the next few nights while he tried to get his head on straight. The image of her He tried to distract himself by spending more time with Grazi. She was delighted to spend time with him, and for a little bit, all Riff’s thoughts about Roxie were forgotten.

But at night, when Grazi was gone or fast asleep beside him, the thoughts came back to him with a vengeance. For the life of him, he couldn’t figure out why he was so hung up on seeing Roxie with someone else. Riff’s internal dilemma quickly created a stormy overcast within him, and the longer it went on without resolution, the more irritable he became.

By the next Thursday, he had gone through twice the normal amount of cigarettes he usually did by that point in the week. Whenever he couldn’t clear his head, or whenever something irritated him, he decided to literally walk away from it and smoke. He’d smoked a lot that week, apparently, and it didn’t seem likely he’d let up soon.

Riff was on the shop floor resting against the toolbench. Diesel, Snowboy, and Gee-Tar were out on a run to Doc’s, giving him some alone time with his thoughts. They hadn’t been gone for more than five minutes when he decided to smoke another cigarette.

His efforts to calm down and settle his racing thoughts were quickly interrupted by the familiar sound of clicking heels entering the shop.

Roxie saw him immediately, and gave him a smile. He returned the gesture subconsciously, but it was half-hearted.

“I’m glad to see you’re alright,” she called to him as a form of greeting. She crossed the garage in a few steps and came to stand a few feet away from him.

“I’ve been busy,” Riff told her simply, taking a drag and avoiding meeting her eyes.

Roxie nodded, looking him up and down briefly. “That’s what Diesel told me.”

Riff exhaled smoke. “About that… I’ve been thinkin’ about what you said, about not needing anyone to walk you home anymore after work.”

In response, Roxie looked at him curiously and waited for him to continue.

“You’re right,” Riff confessed after a moment, finally looking at her. “I still think it's a bad idea, but if you want to walk home by yourself, you should have that right. Women’s rights and whatnot, right?”

Riff watched her reaction carefully. He had hoped that she would’ve changed her mind since they last broached the subject. He hoped she’d tell him that she didn’t mind someone walking her home. He knew he would sleep better at night if she did. Even if it was Diesel walking her home and not him.

Instead, Roxie nodded, opting to remain silent. Riff found himself oddly disappointed at her lack of protest. Well… Maybe that new fella of hers could walk her home then, if she ever changed her mind.

Feeling irritation rising within him once again at the thought of that man, Riff took another drag of his cigarette. As he exhaled the smoke, he felt her eyes on him once again.

“Are you sure you’re alright?” Roxie asked him cautiously. The concern on her face was as plain as day.

Riff shrugged nonchalantly. “Right as rain,” he replied evenly.

Roxie looked at him suspiciously, and it was clear that she didn’t believe him. “I can’t stay right now, I have to be somewhere in a little bit,” she informed him, ultimately deciding not to press the issue. “But maybe I could swing by later this afternoon, and we could work some more on the books?”

It wasn’t a bad idea; several days had passed since she had last been in the shop to help out.

But Riff already had plans. He could’ve told her how he had promised to meet up with Baby John later, and if he did, she probably would have understood. For one reason or another, he chose not to elaborate. “I’ll be busy then,” he told her, purposely vague.

Naturally, Roxie’s face fell for a moment before she caught herself and regained composure. “How about tomorrow, then?”

Tomorrow… tomorrow could work. Maybe by then he could get his head out of his ass and be able to carry on a decent conversation with her.

As Riff opened his mouth to answer, he was cut off by someone entering the shop through the open garage door. Riff looked past Roxie, expecting to see Diesel, Gee-Tar, Snowboy, or literally any of the other Jets.

Unfortunately, all he saw was the man that had given Roxie flowers, and Riff felt his lips sink into a frown.

Roxie turned and spotted the man as well. “Oh,” she mumbled awkwardly, and it was so quiet Riff wasn’t sure he had heard her at all. “I thought we weren’t meeting for another half an hour?” she asked, louder this time.

The man shrugged and started to walk towards the pair. As he did, Riff got a good look at him.

He was tall, maybe even a bit taller than Riff. At least he’s shorter than Tony. His dark hair was styled with purpose, and not a single hair that seemed to be out of place. He was clean shaven, and his dark eyes were almost piercing. He wore a smart shirt and pants with a single pleat that ran down the front of them. If he had walked to the shop and hadn’t taken a bus or cab, he had to have stuck out like a sore thumb among the other citizens of the neighborhood who weren’t able to afford such nice clothes to wear everyday.

Roxie glanced back at Riff, but Riff was too focused on staring down the other man to look at her. “Riff, this is Michael. Michael, this is Riff.”

Michael smiled at Riff, and stuck his hand out to him. Riff’s assumption that the man had money was proven further when he noticed the gold watch on Michel’s outstretched wrist. Riff smiled back, though it wasn’t genuine, and roughly shook the man’s hand.

At least I’ve got a firmer handshake.

“So, this is the infamous Riff?” Michael jested as the two dropped their hands. He glanced down at Roxie briefly. “Roxanne’s said nothing but good things about you.”

Roxanne, huh?

Despite the circumstances, Riff looked down at Roxie as well. He felt slightly amused. As if Roxie read his mind, she gave him a look that all but begged him not to comment on the use of her formal name.

“Really?” Riff replied, looking back up at Michael. “Like what?”

Michael didn’t seem bothered by Riff’s questioning, and the smile on his face didn’t falter. “Well, she’s talked about how you two met in school, and how you’ve reconnected since she’s been back in the neighborhood.”

Riff spared Roxie another glance, wondering if that was all she had told him. Wasn’t omission a form of lying?

“I appreciate you keeping an eye out for her,” Michael said to Riff. “Especially in a neighborhood like this.”

The smile on Riff’s face was genuine now, but rather than happiness, he was beginning to find enjoyment at Michael’s expense. “But of course,” Riff said whimsically. “This neighborhood has really gone to the dogs, ya know.”

Though Riff had been in a sour mood for the past few days, speaking with Michael was proving to be more entertaining than he would have ever guessed. Didn’t Michael know that he was speaking to the leader of one of the two gangs that were arguably continuing to make the neighborhood dangerous? Didn’t Michael know how his Roxanne used to be with him? Even if Michael hadn’t known either of those pieces of information, the fact that he didn’t know that Roxie was capable of handling herself in most situations was a downright shame. How clueless is this guy?

Just as Riff was convinced this guy was an oblivious oaf, Riff noticed Michael snake his hand around Roxie’s waist and pull her closer to him. He looked away as soon as he noticed, but Michael had seen him watching. In turn, Riff stared Michael down. He had some nerve, trying to stake his claim on her like that. Feeling bold, aren’t we?

To his credit, Michael stared right back at him, and his eyes were unwavering. It was almost as if he was challenging Riff to react or even just say something.

Unfortunately for him, Riff refused to take the bait.

“Well, we better get going,” Roxie suggested awkwardly, breaking the brief silence. If Riff hadn’t guessed, she hadn’t noticed the brief stare down. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Riff?”

“Sure,” Riff said through his smile. His eyes still locked with Michael’s.

Eventually, Michael was the one who broke the trance when he turned and led Roxie outside the auto shop.

Riff watched them leave before suddenly recalling his forgotten cigarette, which had gathered quite a bit of ash as a result of his neglect.

————————————————————————————

Once they were a ways away from the auto shop, Roxie slowly stepped away from Michael, feeling a bit relieved when he dropped his hand from her waist. He had never been so forward with her, let alone in public.

“I thought we agreed to meet by the park?” Roxie asked him. She could’ve sworn that was the arrangement they had made the previous Sunday when he had visited her with David and Carol.

Michael shrugged. “We did,” he said, “but when you told me you were helping out at Riff’s auto shop, I wanted to see the place for myself. It didn’t take me long to figure out which one it was.”

Roxie frowned, not looking at him as they continued down the sidewalk. “You could’ve asked me, and I would have shown you where it was at another time,” she told him huffily.

“I wasn’t interrupting anything, was I?”

Maybe. “No,” Roxie denied, not missing a beat. “I just wish you would have asked me beforehand.”

Michael sighed. “You’re right,” he admitted. “I’m sorry. I should have let you know that I was planning to swing by.”

Roxie was slightly surprised by his admission. While she still felt that her frustration had grounds, at least Michael seemed to regret his decision a little bit.

“I just wanted to make sure the shop was safe, since you’re going to be there often,” he added.

Roxie found Michael’s explanation a bit amusing. How could she tell him that Riff was probably the only person she truly felt safe around? Well, most of the time, anyways. The trips to the gambling houses weren’t that far removed from her memory.

Unsure of how to respond, she reached out cautiously, and took Michael’s hand. He smiled at her, not pulling his own hand away as they continued down the sidewalk in silence.

————————————————————————————

Velma often found herself playing the position of mediator.

Whenever her friends got into disputes, she was often the one stuck in the role of initiating the conversation to make everything right again. Whenever Diesel complained to her about some of the other Jets, she’d played devil’s advocate time and time again.

She really shouldn’t have been surprised when she found herself feeling stuck between Graziella and Roxie.

The day of dress shopping for the upcoming dance had arrived. The dance was still a few weeks away, but it was much better to have a dress before it was needed than to be shopping for one at the very last minute.

They met outside Doc’s, and planned to make their way over to the gang’s local favorite dress shop, which was just a few blocks over.

Not everyone had shown up, and Velma felt herself feeling better about that on Roxie’s behalf. Velma introduced Roxie to Mack, Tiger’s girlfriend, and Sorella, Skink’s girlfriend. They were nice girls, and Velma wasn’t too worried about them making Roxie feel uncomfortable. What she was most apprehensive about was the reunion of sorts with Gussie, Snowboy’s girlfriend, Natalie, Big Deal’s girlfriend, and of course, Graziella.

Graziella’s initially pleasant reaction to Roxie had thrown Velma off a bit. She didn’t expect Graziella to be rude to Roxie, but she also didn’t anticipate Graziella to greet her warmly with a hug, either. Gussie and Natalie followed Graziella’s lead.

As they began to walk to the dress shop, Velma and Roxie hung back a bit from the rest of the group. Velma could tell Roxie was still a bit anxious, and perhaps was feeling a little awkward. Still, there was something that was on her mind that Velma had been dying to ask her about.

“Have you and Riff been getting along alright?”

Roxie shot her a look from the corner of her eyes, before focusing on ahead to where Graziella was leading the pack of the girls. “I’m guessing Diesel told you?” she asked her quietly.

Of course Diesel had told her about how Roxie was in RIff’s apartment in the early hours of the morning the previous week. The mischievous childlike smile on Diesel’s face as he told her the story was still fresh in her mind. But, Velma had a sneaking suspicion that it wasn’t exactly what it seemed.

“Yes.”

“It’s not what you think,” Roxie said under her breath. “It was business.”

Velma had expected this sort of response from Roxie. She wasn’t ready to fully trust her yet, and that was fine. Their friendship was a work in progress, she had reminded herself of that fact time and time again.

“Besides,” Roxie added, sighing a bit, “it’s over now. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be helping out with the shop, either.”

This was news to Velma. “What’s wrong?” she asked, concerned.

Roxie shook her head. “I don’t know… something’s off with Riff.”

Velma had a hunch as to what was wrong with him, but she wanted to gather some more information before jumping to a conclusion. “Did your friends end up visiting last weekend?”

The subject change seemed to surprise Roxie initially, but eventually she nodded.

“How’d that go?” Velma asked, trying her best to sound conversational.

“It was nice seeing them,” Roxie told her sincerely.

“And how was Michael?” Velma asked her pointedly.

“He’s been doing well,” Roxie answered. “... He actually visited again last Thursday, and took me to lunch.”

“Really?”

Roxie nodded. After a moment, she added quietly, “He met Riff, too.”

There it is.

Maybe it was because Roxie was too involved in the situation, but as an outsider, Velma was able to deduce pretty quickly the possible reason why Riff would be suddenly acting differently towards her.

Velma looked up ahead, where Graziella was in the middle of telling a story as the other girls clung to her every word. When she looked back at Roxie beside her, she felt her gut wrench. She was torn.

Velma knew Graziella and Riff were seeing each other now, and even though Graziella had told her it was casual, Velma had the sneaking suspicion that Graizella had been hoping that it would eventually turn into something more.

But Velma also knew Roxie. Sure, Roxie was beginning to see someone else now as well. But she felt confident that Roxie still harbored some feelings for Riff, platonic or otherwise, and in spite of that he’d done to her. It’s hard to forget your first love, after all.

So there she was, stuck in the middle again.

Velma was saved from any further immediate fretting about her circumstance as the group finally arrived at the dress shop. The rest of the girls entered first, and Velma and Roxie followed suit.

Immediately, the rest of the girls set about going through the many racks of dresses. An attendant, obviously eager for the considerable sales commission, quickly approached the group.

“Is there anything in particular you ladies are looking for today?” the woman asked.

“Blue!” Mack answered excitedly.

Grazi giggled, and patted Mack’s arm lightly in an effort to calm her down. “We’d love to see anything and everything blue that you’ve got,” she clarified to the attendant.

Of course, Mack and Sorella would be eager to don blue dresses. The upcoming dance would be their first one they attended since officially being involved with one of the Jets. Sure, other girls could wear blue dresses all they liked, but even Velma couldn’t deny that there was just something about wearing blue while being on the arm of a Jet. The feeling of belonging that it gave Velma was a high she seldom felt otherwise.

The attendant nodded, and led them towards the back of the store. Roxie and Velma slowly followed the rest of the group. As Mack, Sorella, Gussie, and Natalie eagerly conversed with the attendant about specific styles of dresses they had envisioned, Graziella hung back.

“It really is good to see you Roxie,” she told the other young woman, sounding genuine.

Velma pretended to be focused on a rack of dresses they passed as she glanced at Roxie from the corner of her eye, watching for her reaction.

“You back for the summer?” Grazi asked.

“At least,” Roxie answered carefully.

“Well, I’m glad,” Grazi confessed. “I know Riff missed you.”

Velma didn’t bother to pretend to be distracted by dresses anymore. She looked at Roxie and immediately saw a confused expression on her face that probably mirrored her own. Was Grazi trying to get a reaction out of her? If she was, she succeeded; Roxie looked a bit flustered by her words.

“So, this dance- are you going stag?” Grazi asked her then.

“I don’t know,” Roxie said, and Velma looked at her curiously. Wouldn’t she ask Michael to go to the dance with her?

“Well, we should catch up more,” Grazi said then, changing the subject. “I’ll be swinging by the shop more often, so maybe we’ll be able to chat then. What do you say?”

Roxie nodded wordlessly, suddenly focused on a nearby red dress.

Graziella walked ahead to join the other girls, but Velma was right on her heels.

“Grazi!” she whispered in a hush tone.

Graziella stopped in her tracks, and turned around to face her with a confused look upon her face. “What?”

“What was that about?” Velma asked her.

“I don't know what you mean,” Grazi replied quickly, though the look in her eyes betrayed her words. Without another word, Grazi turned on her heels once again, quickly rejoining the other girls.

Velma watched her for a moment, trying to make sense of her behavior. Eventually, she gave up and sighed, before turning around to walk back to Roxie once again.

Velma wasn’t entirely sure what Grazi had tried to accomplish by pulling Roxie aside and asking her those questions, but if her intent was to make Roxie uncomfortable, it certainly worked. Roxie was still sifting through a rack of dresses. Velma could tell by the blank look on her face that she wasn’t really considering any of them an option.

Velma wasn’t used to seeing Roxie in such a state. Roxie was usually confident, she had little problem saying what was on her mind, and if she ever sweated about something, she rarely let it show that she was worried. Grazi was Velma’s friend, but she hated that her words had had this effect on Roxie.

Roxie looked up at Velma when she approached. “I appreciate you inviting me, Velma,” she said. “But I think I may head out.”

Velma did a double take. “What?” she asked. “We just got here!”

Roxie bit her lip slightly. She looked behind Velma, towards Grazi and other girls who were beginning to grab specific dresses to try on in the dressing rooms. When she looked back at Velma, she told her quietly, “I don’t belong here.”

Velma frowned at her words, knowing what Roxie meant. Velma should have known it was only a matter of time before Roxie felt this way. Roxie may have been back in Riff’s and the Jet’s good graces, but it wasn’t surprising that she may have felt like the odd one out among the rest of the Jet girls. She wouldn’t be on Riff’s arm anymore, and he had someone else- Graziella- to fill her shoes instead. As far as Velma knew, Roxie was on a friendly basis with most of the Jets and herself, but Velma’s own standing with the Jets as Diesel’s current girlfriend couldn’t be more different than Roxie’s standing with the Jets as the girl Riff used to see.

Maybe she’d been replaced as Riff’s girl, but she hadn’t been replaced as Velma’s friend.

“Yes, you do,” Velma insisted seriously, grabbing Roxie’s hand for emphasis. “I don’t care who you are or aren’t seeing anymore- you’re my friend.” Velma dropped her hand, but continued, “And if you really want to leave, then fine. But it better not be because you’re worried about what other people think.”

Roxie seemed to finally be processing what Velma was telling her. Eventually, she gave her a small smile. “You’re right,” she conceded, standing up a bit straighter. “It’s a free country, right? I should be able to go do a dance if I want to.”

“Exactly!” Velma agreed, relieved to finally see Roxie’s mood lightening. “Go with whoever you want, and if you don’t want to go with anyone, go stag. It is a public event- you never know, you may just meet someone there.”

Roxie didn’t seem entirely convinced, but she smiled nonetheless. She took a dress off the rack, holding it out for Velma to see. “What do you think of this one?” Roxie asked her conversationally.

It was a green dress. The color of envy. There’s too much of that going around these days, Velma thought as she took one last glance at Graziella and the rest of the girls across the shop.

Velma turned back to Roxie with a tired smile. “It’s nice,” she replied, gently taking the dress from her and hanging it back on the rack. “But I think we can find something that compliments you better.”

Velma turned back to the rack, and in almost a serendipitous moment, her eyes immediately landed on a dress that she had a striking feeling Roxie would like. Regardless of the Jets’ association with it, Velma knew what had always been Roxie’s favorite color.

“How about this one?” Velma suggested hopefully, holding out the dress for Roxie to inspect. Velma watched as Roxie looked at the garment thoughtfully, noticing when her eyes lit up. A moment later, Roxie’s face fell once again as she hesitated.

Before Roxie could suggest another dress color, Velma added, “Please, at least try it on.” Velma thrusted the dress at her friend, smiling in satisfaction when Roxie relented with a joking huff and took it from her hands. “Besides,” Velma told her, “no one can own a color.”

————————————————————————————

The next week passed and Riff’s spirits didn’t improve.

Michael had so generously graced the auto shop with his presence a few more times, and Riff couldn’t help but wonder where he found all the free time. Didn’t he have a job? He should have, considering the cost of the clothes he wore, and the flowers he brought Roxie just about every damn time he swung by to walk her home. Maybe his folks were loaded with cash and he didn’t have to work, but the idea of that just irritated Riff even more.

Everytime Michael stopped by the auto shop to walk Roxie home, or take her on a date to God knows where, Riff was unable to shake the fact that seeing the two of them together bothered him. He forced himself to be polite and only spoke to Michael when he spoke to him first. As soon as the pair would leave, Riff found himself reaching for his pack of cigarettes. Riff had tried to behave, he really did, if only for Roxie’s sake.

But when it was just the two of them- him and Roxie that was- working on the books, it was the closest thing to relaxation he felt. And the more irritable he grew, the more he craved any alone time with her he could get. When it was just the two of them, he could forget that Michael existed at all. If Riff felt particularly brave, he found himself wondering if Roxie ever dared to think the same. When it was just the two of them pouring over the shop’s books, going through invoices, or teaching him a trick or two about keeping the records straight, Roxie was nothing but laughs and smiles… and patience, of course. She needed a lot of that with him, he could admit that, but it had never been a problem for her.

The few hours of reverie Riff experienced were always ended by one of two things- Michael showing up to take Roxie away, or Graziella swinging by.

Riff thought he was getting along with Grazi, he really did, so he couldn’t figure out why she was hell-bent on making him squirm by insisting to have these little chats with Roxie. Most of the time she’d stop by unannounced, just as Roxie and Riff were deep into fixing an accounting problem with the books. Riff, wanting to keep the peace, said nothing, and Grazi would tell him pointedly that Roxie deserved a break before whisking her away for a few moments.

Grazi had mentioned that Roxie had gone shopping with her and a few of the other girls to get a dresses for the upcoming dance, so Riff knew that they had started talking to each other again. However, knowing and seeing were entirely different things, and Riff found himself helplessly flooded with nerves whenever Graziella dropped by when he was with Roxie.

He didn’t know why- it wasn’t like they were up to anything, and they had nothing to hide. Well, at least nothing that Grazi had a right to know about. The trips to the gambling houses were between Roxie, Action, Ice, and himself, and Riff was planning on keeping it that way until the day he was put in the ground.

Still, the nerves only fueled his general feeling of irritation further.

————————————————————————————

The shopping trip to the dress shop hadn’t been enough for Graziella to get a clear idea of Roxie's intentions.

As a result, she made a point to be more of a presence around the shop the following week. More often than not, the two were holed up in Riff’s bedroom in the upstairs apartment, crowded around his desk which was gradually becoming less and less of a nightmare to look at. Grazi would pull Roxie away for a quick, friendly chat filled with little more than small talk. She felt a little bad when she realized how much doing so put Riff on edge, but she wasn’t going to give up on her mission now. She was trying to protect him, and by extension, the Jets. Until she figured out what exactly Roxie wanted from him, she wasn’t going to give up.

One evening in particular, Graziella entered the auto shop through the side door, as she had numerous times before. She wasn’t anticipating Roxie to be there that evening- apparently she was working nights at the factory once again. Graziella was looking forward to spending some alone time with Riff. He was too irritable and nervous as of late.

But when Graziella entered the garage and was met with smirks from Diesel, Snowboy, and Gee-Tar as they worked on some car, she knew Roxie was there anyway.

Grazi greeted the boys politely before quickly heading upstairs. She opened and shut the apartment door quietly behind her and then crossed the room in a few careful steps. She came to a stop outside Riff’s closed bedroom door. Curiously, Grazi couldn’t help but lean forward and press her head against the aging wood as she strained to hear the conversation taking place inside.

————————————————————————————

“Hell, if I had known that, I would’ve fixed it months ago!” Riff exclaimed half-seriously with a tired smile plastered on his face.

Roxie watched with a smile of her own as he let the pencil he’d been holding fall onto the desk. “I told you this would be painless,” she jested lightly.

As she watched Riff pick up the pencil again and proceed to make additional corrections to the shop's monthly balance sheet, she couldn’t help but feel an odd sense of pride. She never doubted his capability to learn the concepts she was explaining to him, but she would have been lying if she said she had never doubted his motivation. He proved her wrong though, and it seemed he was surprising her more and more each day.

Riff was in a good mood, too. Whenever Michael came around, Roxie noticed that his good mood seemed to disappear. But when it was just the two of them, she found herself savoring those moments. Their casual banter that they had so quickly fallen back into despite over a year and a half of separation made her wish they’d never been separated in the first place. She knew thinking such a thing was pointless; there was no way to go back and change the past now. Whether he knew it or not, Riff had found a way under her skin again. Now that he was back in her life, Roxie knew deep down that she’d do anything to keep it that way.

A soft knock to the door broke her from her thoughts.

“Come in!” Riff called from his seat at the desk, not taking his eyes off the balance sheet in front of him.

Roxie glanced at the door and felt her heart sink a bit as Graziella entered the room, not bothering to close the door behind her. That was the only caveat to spending more time with Riff at the shop.

Roxie wasn’t sure if it had been Graziella’s intention, but the downright embarrassment and alienation she felt at the dress shop the previous week was still fresh in her mind. Since then, Grazi had visited the auto shop often and always wanted to make small talk with her. She had every right to do so, but Roxie still dreaded it.

“Roxie!” Grazi greeted her. “I wasn’t expecting you’d be here today.”

Riff dropped his pencil once again and his head snapped towards the direction of the door.

“I had the night off,” Roxie replied matter of factly.

“I didn’t lose track of time, did I?” Riff asked Grazi.

“No,” she assured him as she took a few steps and came to stand behind his shoulder. She eyed Roxie, who was standing behind his other shoulder. “Just wanted to come over a bit early,” Grazi stated.

Roxie stepped back, knowing that starting a scene would be pointless and would just put Riff in an uncomfortable spot. “I’ll be out of here soon,” she told them both. Then, to Riff, she said, “Let me know when you’re done fixing the rest of those.”

————————————————————————————

As Roxie began walking around the room in an effort to distance herself from them, Riff glanced up at Grazi hesitantly. She smiled down at him, before slinking an arm over his shoulders. The awkwardness in the room weighed upon him heavily, and Riff had to force himself to concentrate on the balance sheet in front of him once again.

Riff made the remaining corrections as Roxie suggested, but as he did so he was painfully aware of the fact that Grazi was practically leaning over him. One of her hands found its way from his shoulders to run up through his hair, the other came down to intertwine with his left hand on the desk as he continued to work.

The silence in the room was deafening.

After what felt like a million years, Riff finished making the corrections and slowly stood up from the desk. Graziella stood up straight as well, although she was a bit reluctant. Riff turned to show Roxie what he had written down on the balance sheet and as he did so, Graziella intertwined her hand with his once again. After a beat, he cleared his throat and braced himself to look at Roxie.

Riff worried that Grazi’s behavior would have made Roxie feel at least a little bit jealous, but he couldn’t deny the slight satisfaction he felt at the sight of her that confirmed it. Roxie stood stiffly, arms crossed, lips pursed, and looked like she was one just a moment away from snapping.

Riff looked at Grazi. “Do you think you could give us a moment?” he asked her quietly, knowing that Roxie could hear him regardless. “I’ll come down in a few.”

Grazi nodded. She and grabbed his chin lightly and turned his face towards her before planting a kiss right on his lips. She pulled away a few seconds later, and looked at Roxie pointedly. Riff was left gawking from her actions and didn’t notice.

Then, Grazi turned and left the room and then the apartment just as quickly as she had appeared.

After he heard the apartment door shut, Riff set the balance sheet back on the desk. The conversation that was about to take place wouldn’t need it anyways.

“Are you sure you got everything down right?” Roxie asked. Her tone was oddly calm.

Riff watched her and patiently waited for her to make her point.

Roxie’s eyes fell to the floor and she took a step towards him slowly. “I didn’t know, since you had someone hanging over you the entire time,” she said offhandedly.

This is rich. Despite the little voice inside him that suggested against it, Riff quipped, “Well, well… if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you sound pretty jealous, Roxie.”

Roxie scoffed, apparently finding the idea not only ridiculous but mildly humorous. “Please, Riff. What do I have to be jealous about?”

Riff knew he should shut his trap, especially looking at the situation in hindsight. But at that moment, the frustration, irritation, and nerves that had been brewing within him for the better part of the prior two weeks finally spilled over.

“I can’t imagine that stiff of a boyfriend of yours showing you any genuine amount of affection, let alone a damn hug every once in a while.”

Roxie opened her mouth to respond, then shut it. She shook her head, and whether it was out of disapproval or in an attempt to calm herself down, Riff couldn’t tell. “He’s not my- I don’t know what he is,” she admitted. “But he’s mature. He has an education and a decent job. He doesn’t need to be a casanova.”

Riff smiled joylessly. “He sounds like a bucket of fun!”

“Just because he doesn’t go around stealing, vandalizing, and picking fights doesn’t mean he isn’t fun!”

“Because you wouldn’t be caught dead with someone like that, right?!”

Another deafening silence fell over the room.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Roxie said quietly. “I’m sorry.”

Riff shrugged, bothered by her words but not wanting to let her know it. “Doesn’t matter,” he said quickly. “It’s all true, isn’t it?” He chuckled dryly. ��S’good to know that it only took you a year to forget who you were.”

“That’s not true,” Roxie denied. She was visibly upset by then. “But if it was, you’d only have yourself to blame.”

Maybe she made some sense, but Riff’s head was spinning way too much for him to make much sense out of anything.

Roxie sighed tiredly. “Come on, Riff,” she pleaded softly. She took another step towards him, but he retreated in a single smooth step backwards. She looked at him for another moment and waited, as if willing him to meet her eye. He didn’t.

Taking the que, she stepped around him and headed out of the room. When she shut the front door to the apartment behind her, Riff knew he was alone. Instead of frustration, irritation, or nervousness, all he felt was guilt and shame.

He’d mucked things up good this time.

————————————————————————————

Something was bothering Roxie, Michael could tell.

A few days passed and she still hadn’t gone back to the auto shop. He should’ve been happy, knowing that at least she wasn’t spending time with Riff- who he had a feeling had been more than just her childhood friend- but he didn’t like seeing her upset.

She was less talkative. She barely smiled, and when she did, it hardly seemed genuine. He wanted to know if something had happened the last time she was with Riff, but he knew that if he asked, she was likely to shut him out. Roxie was protective of her past, and Michael understood that. He was willing to give her all the time she needed in order to trust him.

He wanted her to trust him. He wanted to give her the moon, if she’d only let him.

A few days after Roxie had last met with Riff at the auto shop, Michael visited her once again. Roxie wasn’t feeling up to doing anything in particular, but Michael was determined to convince her otherwise.

“Hey,” he said to her as they walked down the sidewalk a few blocks away from her apartment. “Where do you go for a Coke around here?”

Michael felt reassured his plan to cheer her up would work when she gave him a small smile. He knew that it was her favorite soda.

“There is this one place…” she trailed off.

“Lead the way,” he encouraged her, smiling as her pace picked up.

After they walked a few more blocks, she pointed out a storefront across the street. The drugstore’s sign read “Doc’s.” The two crossed the street quickly, and when they reached the front door, he held it open for her. She entered the store quickly and he followed.

The store was small, but clean. There was a long counter with some seating, a few tables with some chairs, and a couple of booths.

“It’s such a nice day- how about we take them to the park?” Roxie proposed.

Michael merely nodded in response, happy that she was finally starting to cheer up. He watched as she crossed the room and made a beeline for a small Coke fridge in the right corner. She opened the fridge, withdrew two bottles, and headed over to the register.

Michael followed her. The clerk, an elderly woman, glanced at him occasionally with curious eyes and a warm smile. She informed them of the total, and Michael reached for his wallet to cover the total as Roxie thanked him.

“Do you mind giving me a moment?” Roxie asked him then.

Michael was surprised, but he followed her request regardless. He grabbed the Cokes off the counter. “I’ll meet you outside,” he told her with a smile.

————————————————————————————

As soon as the door shut behind Michael, Roxie turned back to face Valentina with a sheepish grin.

Valentina was smirking at her. “Él es muy guapo,” she complimented. “I’d much rather see you with him than who I saw you with a few weeks ago.”

Roxie knew she was referring to Riff. “I meant to come in sooner, but I’ve been busy.” Valentina didn’t need to know that Roxie had been spending more time at the auto shop. She’d never approve of it anyways.

“Si, busy,” Valentina teased as she glanced at Michael through the storefront window as he stood outside on the sidewalk. “But I’m glad you finally by, I have a surprise for you.”

“A surprise?” Roxie repeated, genuinely confused. She watched as Valentina walked away from the register and towards the door on the opposite wall that Roxie had always assumed led to a storage room.

“Si, si,” Valentina assured her quickly. She opened the door, revealing a set of stairs leading to a basement. “Where are those cans?” she hollered down the stairs.

The voice Roxie heard call back to her from the basement made her double take.

“Just a minute!”

Roxie walked away from the counter and met Valentina in the middle of the room after she took a few steps away from the door. Roxie watched the open door curiously and before long she heard heavy footsteps making their way up the stairs.

A large figure entered the room a moment later. Their face was covered by several boxes of cans stacked up in their arms. They walked over to the nearby table and quickly deposited the goods onto it.

With a sigh, Tony wiped his brow jokingly, before turning to face the other two.

Tony.

“Tony!” Roxie gasped.

His shocked expression matched her own as she suddenly lunged at him and enveloped him into a hug. Valentina laughed once before walking over to the boxes of canned goods on the table.

Tony returned her gesture for a few moments. He was the first to pull away, and when he did he smiled down at her. His smile was familiar, and it filled her with joy. For the first time in days, Roxie forgot all about Riff and their argument.

“What are you doing here?” he asked her as his hands rested on her upper arms.

“I could ask you the same!” Roxie replied as she grinned widely. “How long have you been here?”

“Just a few days,” Tony assured her.

Out of the corner of her eye, Roxie noticed Michael shifting outside as he waited for her. Tony followed her line of sight and spotted him as well.

“I can’t stay,” Roxie admitted as she felt the happiness beginning to fade once again as reality crept in. “But I have so much to tell you.”

“Me too,” Tony replied as he finally dropped his hands. “How about we meet up tomorrow?”

“I work tomorrow night. How late do you work?”

“I'll let him go at three o’clock,” Valentina interjected with a smile. She passed the two of them with one of the boxes of cans in her arms.

Tony watched for a moment as she began to stock a nearby shelf. He turned back to Roxie. “Meet me here tomorrow afternoon.”

“Tomorrow,” she agreed with one last smile.

A/N: Thank you very much for reading! :) As usual, please feel free to interact if you enjoyed or have any feedback. If I get the next part wrapped up, I may be able to post it on Friday. Otherwise, I’ll plan on posting it on Saturday to give myself a little bit more time to work out the details of Part 12.

Taglist: @whisperofsong @disguisedbassethound @lingerasthesmokeoncedid

Part 11

Masterlist

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shoichee · 4 years ago

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teiko manager anon back ~ my juicy part 2 will disappoint bc guess what: we're skipping two years into the future. akashi never found out what happened, and by third year the gom were the epitome of cruelty. so reader picks a fight with them after meiko game, only to collapse out of stress after. they graduate, she follows kuroko to seirin and they train to defeat gom. but why is she so insecure and easily sad when gom is mentioned? they get their answer when they catch her overworking

oh teiko anon, so so bold.... really out here stirring the pot of chaos with this part 2 huh KEK alright folks BUCKLE IN YOUR SEATBELTS IT”S TIME FOR PART 2 and part 1 is right here ! part 3 will be here ! update: part 4 is here !

Akashi x Reader

Part 2

[Teiko!manager Headcanons]

remember how I said in part 1 how Akashi would find out sooner or later? this would normally be the case, but in this exception…

you came back to school pretty quickly and restored, only to be in shock when Akashi himself confronts you about where you’ve been… like hello? YOUR CRUSH?? is? talking? to you? about your wellbeing?

here’s the thing, Akashi can easily detect lies through body language because he has an extraordinary sense of kinetic vision and critical thinking, but he’s still a human, not to mention… a middle schooler, and he’s not a true mind reader as some teammates would wholeheartedly believe

still, after some easy sleuthing he easily drew out confessions from some teammates who badmouthed you, although every single one were some type of half-truths and inconsistent testimonies that didn’t really make sense in painting a big picture

instead of incorrectly assuming things, he wanted to hear what’s been going on from your own mouth (keep in mind, this is still Oreshi, the guy who’s still cordial and wants to confirm this with you out of respect)

when he asks you some questions, he doesn’t detect any physical signs of lying from you, which only makes him believe that there wasn’t anything wrong to begin with other than you being under the weather and the other teammates saying utter nonsense either out of fear in his presence or using you as a scapegoat to cover up other delinquencies that he may have yet to discover

“(l/n)-san, I take it that you’ve been resting well? I heard from Kuroko that you were absent due to the seasonal flu.”

“Ah, y-yes! I’ve actually gotten plenty of rest and proper meals, so I’m back on my feet quicker than expected.”

“I actually also wanted to ask you something, if you don’t mind?”

“What is it?”

“Has anything odd happening to you lately? Anyone who has given you trouble or has been uncooperative with you as head manager as of late?”

at the question, you only frown in genuine confusion before you answer no; you genuinely believed that these teammates weren’t in the wrong for “speaking their mind” and if anything, you felt like you were the problem in not being capable enough in managing your own job and your health in the process (despite being knowledgeable in health yourself)

because Akashi saw that you weren’t lying, he dropped it completely out of respect and asked you that if there was anything troubling you that you could reach out to him

oh how he was so, so close to finding out the truth

this wouldn’t be brought up ever again because you and Akashi only continued to grow busier and busier with your own duties; eventually, your fears came true when the Generation of Miracles had in fact “left” you behind when their talents blossomed too fast and left unchecked

honestly, you developed a horrible habit of overworking despite Kuroko’s and Kise’s constant checks on you

what do you know? of course the coaches and faculty members would ignore your opposition against putting the GoMs in every game; after all some of them had been quite dismissive of you already

it’s kind of ironic because if Bokukashi was the one interrogating you back then, he would’ve either easily (correctly) assume based off of the teammates’ testimonies alone, or he’d be a lot more insistent in discerning the truth of the situation and nipping it right in the bud to stop the “nonsense”

but at the same time, Bokukashi has a lot more pressing priorities than a few poor-attitude teammates when he has the entire reputation of Tekio’s legacy on his shoulders; anything pertaining to you never crossed his mind ever since his domineering side emerged

you were really excited for Kuroko since he was gushing about playing against his old friend, since his friend couldn’t make it to finals the first time // needless to say, you were also Kuroko’s mental support when he felt really down at that time

after Kuroko sustained an injury in the game before Meiko, you immediately accompanied him to the infirmary

there, Kuroko requests you to go watch the game and you only reluctantly agree because you wanted to see the game just to relay back to Kuroko just in case if he couldn’t make it, and you were still a manager with a job to fulfill; you’d figure leaving Momoi to watch over was sufficient enough

when you walk out the door though… you bump into Akashi, which is the first time in a while where you two were face-to-face like this; your heart sank when you realize that you had to accept the fact that he’s changed and allowed the distance to grow between you two

but a small part of denial makes you quickly turn and flee out the hallway, but you really begin to evaluate your crush on him as you scurry away; Akashi just stares at you for a moment before he enters into the infirmary where Kuroko is

you’ve distanced yourself from other people (GoMs in particular) in basketball out of denial of the fact you were really left behind (plus, you already dread attending to their games because it’s always a cruel reminder that you’re not working hard enough to achieve results of the same level), which is why reality slapped you in the face after the aftermath of the Meiko game… when you witnessed the full extent of their cruelty on the court

you were really hurt—in fact, you looked more distraught than the Meiko teammates themselves

especially, since the fact that Kise himself, who you thought of him as someone you can trust in, partook in this as well (this is actually your first time in seeing his cruel side in action, since he’s always been very sweet and helpful to you because he respects you)

you first confronted Kise when he was alone for a bit, sounding absolutely heartbroken and on the verge of tears; you shocked him out of his cold side and he immediately becomes a mother hen and asking if you needed water or a seat to calm down before you overexert yourself

after telling him your feelings about the game and your growing distance in the friendship, he sincerely apologizes for making you feel in such an awful way and tells you to let him know next time before a game, so that he wouldn’t suggest this type of entertainment for the game again.

you were in complete disbelief… the fact that your best friend suggested this himself? You dumbly asked for his reason, and he only says that you wouldn’t understand it because no one ever gives the GoM a proper challenge

even though he didn’t intend anything bad when he said this, it just made you feel worse, but you still accepted the apology to get it over with

the other GoMs come and you immediately become angry again and tension just skyrockets; Midorima simply looks away and says nothing, and Murasakibara and Aomine do most of the talking back/arguing… and Akashi only impassively stares at you

later, when Kuroko himself confronts them while everyone was walking in the hallway, you completely lagged behind on the group, tearfully staring at the backs of the GoMs and how you felt really alienated and unmotivated to continue being a manager for a team you don’t even recognize anymore

you grew dizzy again, and you knew your body was dealing with too much at once but you willed your body to at least last the trip

at least you gave a warning when you assumed that you were away from the GoMs at Teiko before you went unconscious; Kise happens to catch you before he brings you to the school infirmary

he does stay with you the entire time, knowing the reason for your collapse was all the extreme emotional and mental toll accumulated in such a short time; he feels absolutely guilty, and when you were about to stir awake, he simply leaves a lighthearted note and a cutely shaped bread before he leaves, knowing that you’d be stressed again if you saw him (around this time is when Kuroko confronts Akashi to quit the team, which is why he was nowhere near you at the time of your collapse/rest)

you felt better that at least Kise still sees you as a close friend when you see what he left behind

you still feel awful, to say the least

it felt wrong of you to quit mid-season, since you felt that you were simply giving up and further perpetuating the fact that you weren’t doing the most that you could

but you didn’t feel like staying for the rest of the season, so you decided to overwork yourself again to get the rest of the paperwork and training plans out of the way for the remainder of the games; you even left detailed instructions to Momoi in how to relieve certain pressure points and muscles for instant relief in case someone hurts themselves

a little timeskip where you decided to tag along Kuroko in attending Seirin High, but you were more reluctant in joining basketball again because you didn’t want to re-experience the stress and burdens in Teiko

well, until you made friends with Riko, and her story in how she was skeptical about basketball at first too inspires you to give it a try again

Kuroko feels really happy that you’re at ease again for the first time, but he definitely notices how you grow gloomy when the Seirin teammates praise the GoMs

you slowly relapse into the habit of overworking to “compensate” for your lack of contributions to Seirin’s team, but this time, every member DROPKICKS you to stop working and relax sometimes (Riko and Hyuuga are the main culprits)

even though you never tell them the reason for your poor habits, the Seirin team members just SENSE and KNOW what to say to make you feel like you’re doing more than enough to support the team in their own unique ways (Mitobe giving really cute shoulder pats and thumbs-ups… Koganei giving you slaps on the back and high-fives… Riko bluntly telling you to relax and giving you encouraging winks… Hyuuga being a roundabout in his praises… Teppei openly praising you… and Kagami telling you that you were doing too much LOL)

Kuroko gives you the SOFTEST SMILES (everyone freaks out every time he does that, it’s hilarious)

however, wounds slowly reopen more once again every time Seirin goes against schools that the respective GoM plays for

after every win Seirin achieves against the GoM’s respective school, each GoM would eventually learn a little tidbits here and there about your tendency to overwork and collapse and possible speculations of why, but you never confirm anything with them

even though you easily forgive Kise after the Seirin vs. Kaijo match (seeing how he interacted with Kagami and Kuroko in the park), for the others… you weren’t so ready to confront…

… particularly with Akashi

#knb #knb x reader #knb headcanon #knb headcanons #teiko #knb teiko #akashi x reader #akashi seijuro #akashi seijuro x reader #kuroko tetsuya #kise ryota #kise ryouta #aomine daiki #midorima shintarou #midorima shintaro #murasakibara atsushi #teiko middle school

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cellard0ors · 3 years ago

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Fic: Movement (2/?)

Still dedicated to the wonderful @peachworthy. you read part one than you know - GMM Rhink AU - College Student Link/Pornstar Rhett AU

“Got it right again, man! You’re going to ace this test!” Rhett crows as he tosses down another notecard and Link pumps his arms in triumph. The two of them are settled in the kitchen, piles of books and notecards spread around as well as few bottles of beers and some bowls of chips.

Link picks up one chip and pops it into his mouth, grinning at his roommate fondly, “Well, couldn’t’ve done it without you, pal. You are, without a doubt, the best study buddy I’ve ever had.”

“Aw shucks, gonna make me blush,” Rhett laughs even though it’s Link who feels his cheeks actually grow warm, his friend’s laughter a common cause of the occurrence.

They’ve been living together for over a month now and it’s been beyond amazing. Link would’ve never guessed a guy like Rhett and a guy like him would work so well together.

It’s like they’re the world’s weirdest, most convoluted puzzle yet all the pieces click together to form a full picture that is nothing short of a masterpiece. True, there’s a lot about Rhett Link doesn’t know yet (and gosh is there a lot he wants to know) but their friendship is running smoothly.

Well, smoothly save for the massive crush Link has on the guy, albeit he’s doing his damned best to squash it. Yes, Rhett’s attractive and yes, he’s the first guy Link’s ever met that he’s felt a real zing for, but the fact of the matter is – Link would much rather have him as a friend and roommate than lose him as a…well, Link’s not sure if he’d lose him, but the mere possibility keeps Link’s lips sealed.

Besides, it’s okay to crush on someone and never act on it. People do it all the time. Not to mention that it’s a bit…odd to crush on someone in Rhett’s line of work. Isn’t it?

Link can’t think of too many people who will admit to crushing on an adult film star. Regular, mainstream film stars, sure – but adult film stars?

Yeah…

Although, to be frank, Link’s sure there are some that do. And, hopefully, some of them are not the creepy internet troll-y kind of people, but genuine salt of the earth folks like himself. Because, okay, he is crushing on one so…

Rhett is toying with the cards, maybe looking for the next question to quiz Link on when he asks idly, “Y’know, Link – I gotta say, I admire your stamina.”

That remarks makes Link choke on the drink he’s just been consuming, a cough clearing it up some as he croaks, “I’m-I’m sorry?”

Rhett hums noncommittally, as if not noticing the gaffe, “You’ve had yet to grill me about my job. Normally, once folks hear about it, that’s all they want to talk about.”

“Oh,” Link breathes out loosely, “Well, ah-? It-? It just…seemed rude to-to ask…”

“Been over a month living with me now. You telling me you ain’t interested?”

“I didn’t say that!” Link quips back much quicker than he would like, but Rhett just gives him the most perfect smile. All sincere and warm beneath his beard and remember, Link, you’re doing you’re best not to crush on him!

Rhett is still toying with the cards, eyelashes downcast, the very visual definition of shy as he murmurs, “Just sayin’…I don’t mind if you wanna ask some stuff.”

Link’s eyebrows rise in such a way as to damn near bump his glasses off, “Y-You sure?”

Rhett draws in a deep inhale and then sits the cards down. He crosses his arms and leans back in his seat, looking quite serious even despite the casual red flannel and jeans, as if this was more of an interview (or perhaps an interrogation?) than anything else, “Shoot.”

The a million and one questions that Link has kept at bay about Rhett’s job and more personal life threaten to cave his skull in as they crash about in his mind. However, he has to go with the obvious, “Know this’ll be predictable, but…why?”

Rhett just bobs his head in an understanding nod even as Link pushes on, “Why and how?”

Rhett sucks on his teeth before picking up his own beer and taking a fortifying sip before continuing, “The two are kinda interconnected to be honest. Had a fallin’ out with my family. Think I mentioned it in passin’ to you once. But, to clarify; they weren’t too happy with my chosen living destination nor with the fact that I’d come to terms with the notion that I’m attracted to both the ladies and the gents.”

Link’s mind immediately (and joyously) clings to ‘the gents’ remark, bookmarking it for future reference, even as Rhett continues his tale, “You grew up where we did. So you get it.”

Link does. And then, to nail the point home, Rhett adds, “Probably get it a lot more than others. If my…instincts are to be believed.”

Shit.

SHIT.

Link’s whole body immediately bursts into flame, the tips of his ears so hot he’s sure they’re glowing bright red.

Rhett knows I’m gay. He knows. I thought having a radar for that kind of thing was bullhonkey, but he knows and oh, lord, oh lord – do I give off some sorta vibe? I know that girl in my screenwriting class, Stevie, she teased me about being an A-Level twink or something, but I didn’t think-!

Rhett’s laughter carves right through Link’s insecurities, “Take a breath, brother! Look like you’re about to pop!”

Link does and Rhett just shakes his head, still grinning, “Point being – I was pretty much a babe in the woods when I came to LA. Not two nickels to my name, so I took whatever gigs I could get. Managed to snag a few commercials and things of that nature, but you know the drill. Jobs are hard to come by. And a guy of my height?”

He blows out a big breath and tosses all of those luxurious curls about with a rueful head shake, “Yeah, most people fingered me for a baller, so – again – jobs were hard to come by. But then, wouldn’t you know it? A friend of a friend of a contact told me about this part they thought I’d be perfect for.”

Another deep barrel chested chuckle emerges as he reminiscences, “Mighta been nice of ‘em to let me know it was actually a part of me they thought would be perfect.”

Do not zero in on his crotch! Do NOT zero in on his crotch! Charles Lincoln Neal the Third DO NOT-!

Link keeps his eyes so steadfastly forward he probably looks like some bug eyed zombie. If Rhett notices, he doesn't comment, “Anyway, when I found out what the role was, I had planned to politely decline but, y’know, the money they offered…”

There’s an easy shrug and this Link can look at. He looks at Rhett, who looks a bit sheepish as he scratches at one side of his beard, “I mean, again, you grew up where I did. So, you know how the whole ‘wait until marriage’ thing was drilled into your head, but I figured it wasn’t like anybody would know. My family’d cut me off, my friends were few and far in between, and the people on set…”

Now he looks a bit happier and Link can’t help but smile along with him, “The people on set were all right. I don’t know if you’ve ever heard the kind of stories people tend to spin – the exploitation, the drug abuse, other questionable stuff…place I was at wasn’t like that. I mean, maybe I just lucked out or something, but it was…”

Another shrug and he goes for his beer again. Link figures this is as good a time as any to get in another question, “So, you did that and then you…? Just kept going?”

Rhett nods as he drinks, the bottle leaving his mouth with an obscene pop that Link is going to do his best to forget all about right now and certainly not recall at any point in the future (and most certainly NOT when he’s jacking off later), “Yeah, I did the one and the director really liked me. He pull me aside and told me about this company he was trying to set up with a couple of buddies of his. They wanted to go in a classier direction – know how funny that sounds, but he was serious.”

“So, what? No, like, blockbuster porno knock offs? Like ‘Sex in The City and ON the City’ or ‘Arma-get-it-on’?”

“Think you stole that last one from an episode of CSI.”

“I did, doesn’t change the question.”

They’re both smiling like a couple of fools, but the mood is good and the atmosphere light as Rhett sighs, “Yeah, nothing like that. I’ve actually worked with a few female directors, shot some things with great budgets, nice lighting, good costumes…”

“Oooo, costumes,” Link teases in the silliest voice and Rhett swats out at him. Link avoids the hit even as Rhett rolls his eyes, “I’m serious, dude. Some of the things that department pumps out looks better than anything you’d see in Hollywood.”

“Hmm, some kinda wood,” Link snickers and this time Rhett’s swat makes impact, brushing Link’s shoulder and Link would be embarrassed by the giggle he lets out, if it weren’t for the way Rhett’s nose is all scrunched up, making him look beyond adorable, “You’re sucha brat!”

Link sticks out his tongue and Rhett just laughs. They turn their attention to the drinks and chips for awhile before Link circles around to another question, “You like it then?”

“It’s a living,” Rhett confirms, not really answering one way or another, “Like I said – make great money, work with some really nice people.”

“Uh,” Link scratches behind one ear, “Hate to ask, but, um…clean people?”

Rhett doesn’t seem offended, “You bet. Have to be. Another reason I’ve done this as long as I have. Money's great, but the safety is even better. I’m currently under contract with that same company I told you about – the one that director brought me under. On top of wanting to,” he air quotes his next words, “be classier’-”

He drops the quotes, “They wanted to provide an excellent work environment. Heck, me and the other actors and actresses probably have a cleaner bill of health than the entire state. Can’t shoot scene one until you’ve got the A-Okay.”

“Huh,” Link absorbs that with some surprise, but then, he supposes it really shouldn’t be. The adult film industry is a big lumbering beast right alongside it’s more recognized counterpart. No reason one shouldn’t be as cautious as the other. If anything, one has more right to be cautious.

Thinking on this, Link suddenly feels an odd pang. It’s a shame in one way that’s one viewed as more reckless than the other, more questionable. But, when viewed through a mostly puritan lens…

Not wanting to get too philosophical, Link switches gears, “You been in a lot of films?”

“My fair share.”

Another dodge, but Link will let him have it. However, he can practically feel devil horns rise as he asks with a naughty gleam to his eye, “Win any awards?”

Rhett’s practically preening, “Several.”

“Really?” Link asks with some surprise, but Rhett suddenly looks quite naughty himself. Naughty and…a bit too hot for Link’s liking as the heat that always seems to surround him when he’s near Rhett rises and woo boy, he’s really failing at this squashing-the-crush thing.

“If you’re a good boy, maybe I’ll show you one of my trophies some time…”

Everything in Link melts into a puddle and he’s not sure what expression he’s wearing, but it’s one that makes Rhett’s whole face light up, “…or maybe, just maybe, I’ll show you a little somethin’ else…”

If it’s possible for a melted puddle to also explode, then Link’s just done it. Rhett bursts into guffaws as he reaches forward and, very smoothly, pushes Link’s jaw up because Link’s jaw? It dropped. He didn’t even feel it drop.

And then, to just add more fuel to the fire, Rhett rubs the pad of his thumb along the bottom of Link’s chin, right below his lip, “Damn, son…you’re just too much for words.”

“I…”

That’s it.

That’s all that Link can offer.

Just one sound, one vowel.

Silent and stunned and Rhett draws back, looking like the cat that ate the canary as he lets him go and rises up from his seat, “Think you need a moment. I’ll be back in a bit.”

And – just like that – Rhett saunters out of the room.

#rhink #randl #my writing #peachworthy #oh my sweet peach

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jack-enbyfold · 3 years ago

Text

DSMP OVERWATCH AU

Name still pending and I don't have everyone sorted yet but here you go.

Basic Plot:

The Overwatch were the united protectors of the planet. Key word is were. The organization disbanded after two of its biggest members reportedly went MIA failing to stop the collapse of a large trade building and the public turned on them in the ensuing chaos. It's been inactive for over 5 years now. With the rise in international crime and the growing threat of the Crimson organization, one hopeful desperate kid starts trying to reform the Overwatch.

Overwatch Members:

Tommy Craft- Damage hero, uses two guns, youngest member and the aforementioned kid, honestly just wants his family back together again

Ultimate: Hero's Sacrifice- Upon reaching 0 hp, he goes up in a fiery explosion that causes instant half damage to nearby enemies

Awesamdude- Tank hero, one of the OG Overwatch members, has a lot of cybernetic enhancements and is the head technician for OW, helped Tommy send out the distress signal to try and get the old members back

Ultimate: Supercharged- He can send a flood of power to his electronics, causing them to explode and damage enemies nearby. This leaves him immobile for 30 seconds

Technoblade Craft- Tank hero, Tommy's older brother, best with melee combat, OG Overwatch member that begrudgingly joined to try and find Phil

Ultimate: Wrath of the Blood God: Techno goes into a rage, taking half damage and dealing double for 30 seconds

Sapnap- Damage hero, uses a flamethrower, was not a past member of OW but answered the call to arms as his dad was a part of it, hates the Crimson

Ultimate: Blazing Molotov- Sapnap removes the gas tank of his flamethrower, lights it and throws it

Karl Jacobs- Support hero, engaged to Sapnap, uses a chronal accelerator to zip around and give heath to folks

Ultimate: Time Stop- He extends the zone that his accelerator works in, preventing nearby allies from losing health and ammo for 30 seconds

Punz- Damage hero, ex mercenary, decided to join the OW to make up for the stuff they'd done on some of their worst jobs and to set a better example to their younger siblings (Purpled and Hannah)

Ultimate: Set Target- they can chose one enemy/enemy structure to target and will keep shooting that one target until its HP is reduced to 0

Tubbo Underscore- Support hero, Tommy's best friend, hacks health stations and is quite reliant on his tech, secretly feral and Sam and Tommy have to drag him to bed a lot, bee themed gear

Ultimate: Swam- Tubbo fills the air around him with tiny bee bots that detonate on impacts. These linger in the area until the end of the round

Fundy Soot- Tank hero, has a fox themed mech and wears a fox helmet, Wilbur's very distanced son, joined the OW only to be his own person and be known as more then "Wilbur Soot's son", made the mech himself

Ultimate: Sneaky Fox- Fundy leaves his mech, sacrificing higher health for better movement speed and stealth

Jack Manifold- Damage hero, uses explosives, miraculous survivor of a gas expulsion when he was younger and started studying explosives to control what he fears, used to work with the Crimson/anyone that paid well until he grew a conscience

Ultimate: Spiteful- Upon dying, Jack fixes the enemy that killed him with sticky bombs. If they don't die in the next 15 seconds, the bombs go off

Other members of OW I need to work on: Eret, Puffy, Hbomb, Slimecicle, Niki and Foolish

The Crimson:

Wilbur Soot- Damage fighter, literally a dead man walking, wears a comedy mask and the trenchcoat, uses a gun that looks like a crossbow, has the lowest health in game

Ultimate: The Finale- He activates a huge explosion with him at the center. The line when it activates is "It was never meant to be".

Ranboo- Damage fighter, isn't there by choice, acts very much like a sniper, just wants to go home honestly

Ultimate: Enderwalk- Ranboo can teleport to any other loaction on the map, most useful when running from melee situations

Ponk- Support hero, bit of a mad scientist, Sam's ex, he can both poison people and heal people but causes very little direct damage

Ultimate: Scorned- he can create a lingering area of effect, enemies take damage and allies gain health

Dream- Support hero, literally in the Crimson for the chaos and the fact they fund his experiments, the one who brought Wilbur back, always wears his mask, heals and deals damage

Ultimate: Reoccurring Nightmare- He can revive fallen team members in the location they died with full HP and ammo

Other members of the Crimson that I need to work on: Bad, Skeppy, Ant and Hannah

Factionless:

Philza Craft- Damage fighter, winged sniper, faked his death to leave the OW, now works as a bounty hunter and assassin

Ultimate: Angel of Death- Phil flies above the battlefield to rain down explosives. He can't take damage during this.

Other factionless people I need to work on: Purpled, Quackity, Connor and Schlatt

#dream smp #dream smp au #overwatch dsmp au #not gonna tag everyone #sbi au #sleepy boys

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here4theheartbreak · 3 years ago

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I'll, brick by brick, rebuild us Out of how's and why's, not when's Nothing quite prepared me for when that piano sang again

I’ve had this song (and others) from The Amazing Devil on repeat for ages and I still can’t get enough. I want to share every verse on my blog and keep it there always and throw it to everyone that passes because I just adore this group - the music is so pretty and haunting and allows for so much mental imagery and interpretation. But - this post isn’t meant to be a love letter to The Amazing Devil (but honestly - give them a listen, they are so good).

I’m still around - still writing. Moving a little slower these days because I have a few more interests sort of splitting my time and I’m a little torn. Obviously still writing for BTS (working on a fic that’s just around 30k rn and still going). I have a lot of ideas for SHINee fics as well, and some even for Astro fics, and some more BTS ones. I have a lot of ideas that are just sort of there... Like plots that could reasonably be tweaked to fit any group I wanted. Which I think is causing some trouble because I have so many options and making decisions is not my forte lol.

I’m super duper hyperfixated on The Witcher as well; working my way through the books and playing one of the games (just finished the main story of the game tonight and teared up because I’m a big baby). So that interest of course adds the fact that I now so desperately want to write a fic for The Witcher but have no idea what I’d do for one. I just really love that bard ok?!

So there’s a lot splitting my attention, but I’m still around. I’m also doing my annual bingo event over at bangtanwritingbingo - this year’s sign ups are open for another month if you’re interested! Next year I think I’m going to open it up to more groups than just BTS to allow more folks a chance to play (and selfishly - because I want to use some SHINee and other groups too).

On the real life front, things are well - as most of you know I had my top surgery in November. I’m healing up nicely - back to full mobility pretty much, albeit still numb in big sections of my chest. I have scar strips and they seem to be doing their job - I intend to get the scars tattooed over anyways so I’m less worried about color and more worried about them being raised/sunken, etc - the strips seem to be preventing that thankfully. I have a follow up at the end of this month to make sure it’s all healing up well and do any final liposuction as needed, etc.

I’m dealing with the fiasco of changing my gender marker on my birth certificate now that I’ve had a surgery (required by laws of my birth state) - but unfortunately getting the court order needed while living in my current state requires a name change... Which I had ages ago so... I’m going to add a second middle name as sort of a sneaky loophole, but I’d actually kind of like to pick one I enjoy and wouldn’t mind using at times, so it’s a bit of a struggle there. I’ll figure it out though.

But, all in all, all is well. Working on keeping a positive mindset toward things, shutting the door on negative and toxic influences where I can, and practicing being mindful of my own negativity - expressing it healthily as I’m able to, and trying not to let it grab hold and fester. There have been definite improvements in my overall mental health because of this, and I’m able to admit I’m proud of the place I’ve gotten to.

Mostly just a random update post since it’s been a while since my voice was on my own blog in anything but tags, and for anyone who’s following me and curious about how my life/writing etc is going. I hope everyone reading this is safe and happy; keep your head up through the mess out there, wear your masks, stay healthy, all those well wishes. <3

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allthingsfern · 4 years ago

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In order, my responses to comments in Reply of my COVID19 era post that was my answer to my question “My answer to my questions: Has the era of COVID19 changed your photography? How? And perhaps also, why?“ I am so confused now...

adventuresofalgy

Algy thinks you are lucky and - certainly if compared with Europeans - perhaps quite unusual in not having experienced a more profound effect on your creative outlets and expression. Many of Algy's creative friends have experienced wide-ranging and often severe impacts on their creativity and associated motivation - and therefore on their mental health as well.

themazette

As @adventuresofalgy Jenny said.... you are lucky...

I am indeed very lucky, or as I think of it, blessed. However, it is no way a US thing, nor even a California thing. I add California, because I know many in the US and around the world think of the Golden State as a haven, a progressive, hippie filled state that is all about peace and love and marijuana. However, that is far from the truth. California is like Germany in the 1920s and 30s. There was Berlin, where there was a wildness in the city that was not shared, and was often looked-down on, by those in the majority of the country, who lived in more conservative areas and who, often, economically could not afford the grand life of partying Berliners. In California it is the same. Except for a few urban areas, the state is full of very conservative folks, and for them, like for those in the cities (and in the rest of the world) this COVID19 era has been devastating. Well, and the fires for Californians have been too.

Even in this cool college town where I live, which is lovely and quiet and inspiring, the painfully empty streets, movie theaters, restaurants, shops (think of all those unemployed people) is (still) staggering. In mid-March last year, right after lockdown, I took several phone videos of the deserted street in our town and the campus, but I could not bring myself to share them, since I knew that so many others here on Tumblr were experiencing the same desolation in many different ways. (I figured: “Why add to the sorrow we are living, almost globally?”) I was overwhelmed by the emptiness of the major (well, major for a small town of around 65,000 people) street where I live and the empty bicycle trails and street on campus. And by empty, I mean that even now, I see maybe 3 cyclists per hour, and very little car traffic. Remember, this is a bicycle town; I do not own a car, doing most all my errands on my bike with its 2 fordable baskets in the rear.

And now, over a year later, that same heavy, oppressive emptiness persists. And no, I am not used to it. And yes, I traveled over the last year, but I found the same suffocating blanket of emptiness in each city I visited, even in Las Vegas. It was unnerving. As a matter of fact, last year when I drove to San Francisco 2 months after lockdown for my birthday, I wound up getting depressed and disoriented, in a city where I lived for almost 7 years. Driving back home across the Golden Gate Bridge with tears of sadness in my eyes on my birthday was not what I expected. However, I did get some solid photos of the malaise that hung thick in the air, a malaise that physically took up the space that once was taken up by crowds of people.

Now, I am also very aware that my situation is unique. (Not a fan of the word exceptional, since it can mean both unique and special, and I do not see my situation as special.) My life situation is very unique in that I have a job I love and I work with a great team of characters. We get work done and we have fun, share about our lives. My job is often, especially since COVID19 first got noticed in early 2020, stressful and demands my colleagues and I learn (and sometimes then teach) lots of new technology and that we adapt to the vagaries of the technology gods, which are sometimes unfriendly and unresponsive. And a big part of my job is trying to figure out how to get the technology gods to like us again and grace us with their gifts. (I never realized, until now, with this discussion, that the troubleshooting that is a big part of my job is creative and probably fuels my photographic creativity. Who knew?) Yet, as a group, my colleagues and I support each other. And I am fortunate to count my closest colleague, Steve, as a friend. We have been a great emotional support to each other over the years and now through this COVID19 era. And I recently was reminded (as if I needed reminding) just how unique my work situation is because I participated in a committee that was going over responses to a UC Davis-wide survey exploring levels of employee satisfaction. My 2 colleagues who were also on that committee and I did not have the complaints that others from other departments shared. We work well together, have supportive management that share what is going on and include us (as mush as possible) in the decision making process. And as a department, we get stuff done.

Possibly the best example of how blessedly unique my situation is is what happened this morning when I was talking (yes, on ZOOM) with my immediate supervisor. We discussed the work related stuff, including how at around 10:30 pm the night before I figured something out about an online tool integration I had never done before that I knew was easy but I did not see as easy until I reread the overly complicated instructions a couple of times and just figured out how and where to cut and paste the lines of code (it was that easy, just fucking cut and paste some lines of JSON code) that got the fucking thing to work. Then we talked about his dealing with his young children returning to school and how “normal” now is not “normal” from before and how disruptive the whole thing has been, yet since we work in a supportive atmosphere (and are both salaried), he was able to deal and keep living.

Then, and you are gonna love this, I shared about my original COVID19 question post and the responses and pretty much said to him what I am sharing here.

We talked for a little over an hour. That kind of rapport is rare, for any job, anywhere.

And then there is another way my situation is unique. In some ways, previous “bad things” were actually a preparation for this era of physical distance and uncertainty. In mid-2019, from July to August, first because of my work related bowling concussion and then an antibiotic resistant infection, I was bedridden for about 5 weeks and then had several absences because of concussion issues, like sudden and extreme anger flare ups, nausea, headaches. But however bad I thought that concussion and infection were, the concussion induced forgetfulness and my desire to sharpen my mind and nurture and nourish it have lead me to become, in my old age, organized. I now often take notes of important stuff, add work and personal dates and notes to my Outlook calendar, and even know what day it is, which bugs my colleagues who often find they have no idea what day and/or date it is. Yep, unique, but the bad concussion shit got me to be organized in ways that I was never able to be before, no matter what I tried. This time, I just fucking get organized, without thinking about it too much. And if I fuck up with my being organized, like I did the other day for work, I admit it, fix it, and move on.

Preparation for isolation (and unexpected natural threats) came by way of the 2018 Northern California (the region where I live) fires that year, which caused the campus to shut down for about a week. (As my friend Steve called it, the smoking break.) And for work, my colleagues and I faced a couple of long term, emergency technical outages that impacted all of the UC Davis faculty, one of them for over a month. Pretty much on a professional and personal level, I was, if not ready, at least getting used to the WTF of whatever life decides to surprise me with. (And lets not forget the really bad fire last September, seen in this video I posted of ash “snow” falling. We did not have to shut down the campus because there was no one there anyway.)

Another aspect of this last year, and one that has been present in my life for a few years now, is the BLM movement and the brutal police violence against Black people in this country. As someone who was a teaching assistant and taught in African American Studies and worked closely with students of color on campus in a student run organization, I was and am still devastated, in part because I know, from hearing so many personal accounts, the pain many of my friends, former colleagues, and former students, are still facing and how overwhelmed they felt and still feel. I understand, if as an outsider, their emotional exhaustion. This has been going on for a while, plus add the years of anti-immigrant hate against the Latinx in the US and the rising tide of violent hate against Asians, and yes, it has been sorrowful. Heartbreaking. And I have, in several ways, including my photography, tried to capture the sorrow and resilience of US people of color. It hurts, almost physically, that many people of color are just tired of talking and dealing with the hate.

So, yes, my situation is unique, but with its own emotionally draining weight. And yes, I am extremely grateful. This leads to the other 2 comments in Reply:

kkomppa

Thank you for sharing, Fern. Very interesting. Like you, I would say my output hasn’t changed much. However, I have sought locations deeper in the wilderness. This has been fulfilling.

schwarzkaeppchen

Really interesting thoughts. We live in strange times, but creativity and motivation comes and goes for so many different reasons. My photography has changed a lot. I used to work as a photographer at events and took portraits for fun... Now I'm officially a portrait photographer.

Both of these comments point to another unique aspect of my life situation: For some of us, our photography and how we do it, has not changed much, and if it has, that has been a part of our overall experience with this art form we love so much.

For me, because of my depressive tendencies, the Zen of photography, at least the way I do it, is therapeutic. And I do not use the term “Zen” lightly here, because my spiritual life has helped me come to terms with the WTF surprises that are pretty much life, if at times the WTF of it is more impactful, as it is during this COVID19 era. And that is part of what I was trying to share with my original post: Before this period of isolation and disorientation, I was already coming to grips with the gospel truth that “creativity and motivation comes and goes for so many different reasons.” as @schwarzkaeppchen said. In no way do I diminish the anguish flared up by these bleak times that impact so many around the world. And really, when you think about it, bleak times have been a norm, at least here in the US, since late 2016, though, of course, lockdowns and physical distance make it all worse. But, at least for me, I try to learn from the bleak times, even if I abhor going through them. And when dealing with the highs and lows of creative energy, at least for me, I have a calm certainty that photography is part of my life and I do not have to worry, since I only love it more each day. And the other side to my certainty is that if someday my love of photography fades, some other treasure of creativity will replace it.

Let’s be real, because of photography. I think about stuff like this and get to have discussions with so many great Tumblr original photographers.

And I am grateful for it, and no, this is not unique to my life situation. I know many of us love being here and sharing the good, the bad, the confounding.

Please think about joining @tvoom and me for InConverversation this month. It has been a long time since we talked, and this COVID19 era will be our topic.

I am grateful for all y’all.

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hd-wireless · 4 years ago

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🎶 H/D WIRELESS FEST - REVEALS 🎶

At last, the day you’ve been waiting for! It’s the REVEALS!

Come check out the talented people who created your favourite Wireless fics and artworks!

Massive thanks once again to all the 54 creators of our 64 works (yes some people created multiple works! Special mention to cloudlesslysky who wrote FIVE fics!). And thanks also to all the readers, betas and supporters of H/D Wireless! It’s been a bumper year!

Without further ado...

🎶 H/D Wireless Art 🎶

📻 Stuck on the Bridge Between Us (G) by pygmy_puffy @pygmy-puffy

🎵 Song prompt: Talk Me Down by Troye Sivan

🎵 Summary: finding the courage within themselves to be vulnerable, so they can stop hurting the other and start loving each other as they so deeply want and need to

📻 So Let's Dance, Take a Chance, Understand Me (T) by Dazed_and_Inked @dazedandinked

🎵 Song prompt: T.Rex, Get It On

🎵 Summary: The War is over and everything has changed.

After a few of years of travelling around the world, Harry decided to move to Muggle London, looking for peace and a place where the scar on his forehead doesn’t have a meaning. His new flat is in a perfectly normal neighbourhood close to the centre, quiet during the day but full of students at night.

He really likes the small bar down the road, a place that serves cheap, awful drinks and plays good old classics. It’s always crammed with people talking, laughing or dancing along with the riff of electric guitars.

From the first time he crossed the threshold, Harry thought it was perfect, the right mix of noise and warmth to be alone without feeling alone. Just what he needed.

He couldn’t imagine that someone else was there for the very same reason, looking for a place where the Dark Mark was only a tattoo.

Blame it on the alcohol, on the music or whatever you want, but when Harry’s eyes landed on Draco’s slim figure, swaying on the dancefloor, something warm and inexplicable possessed him.

📻 The Pass (T) by julchen_in_red @julcheninred

🎵 Song prompt: The Pass, by Rush

🎵 Summary: Draco, lost in darkness, seeks a guiding light.

📻 If you knew… (T) by gnarf @gnarf

🎵 Song prompt: Young Folks from Peter Bjorn and John

🎵 Summary: The war had left scars on all of them. Some were obvious. Some only if they looked closely. But the worst ones were those they couldn't see. Those that were hidden inside.

📻 an ode to the boy i love (G) by nettleforest @nettleforest

🎵 Song prompt: Animal - Troye Sivan

🎵 Summary: an evocation of vulnerability, trust and tenderness

📻 Home Sweet Home (G) by gnarf @gnarf

🎵Song prompt: Radioactive - Imagine Dragons

🎵 Summary: In the middle of a Zombie apocalypse Harry made it his main goal to find a safe home for Draco and himself.

📻 Turn back time (T) bt erlasart @erlasart

🎵 Song prompt: If I Could Turn Back Time - Cher

🎵 Summary: Draco's had a rough few years, if that's what you call falling in with a bad lot, attempted murder and a close brush with death. Now facing the weight of his misdeeds, Draco tries to pinpoint when it all went wrong.

📻 Time to Get Out (T) by SoldSeperately @secretartlair

🎵 Song prompt: My House - PVRIS

🎵 Summary: A few years post-war, Pansy convinces Draco to go on a night out at a muggle club. They run into some familiar faces.

🎶 H/D Wireless Art and Fic 🎶

📻 A Different Kind of Meaning (E, 17k) by p103 @p103 (art by Zigster)

🎵 Song prompt: Outnumbered - Dermot Kennedy

🎵 Summary: The ceiling doesn't hold any answers, but there are cobwebs scattered across the corners with shadows tangled in their threads. The rug against his back is rough and scratchy, threadbare and devoid of colours other than various shades of brown. Harry takes it all in, absorbs the dingy and depressed state of his home. There's a pointed moment of decision, a note about to be played, a silence about to end, and then he rolls to his feet and sets to cleaning.

It's the first constructive thing he's done in years.

📻 Keep Holding On (M, 33k) by gnarf @gnarf (fic) and MaesterChill @maesterchill (art)

🎵 Song prompt: Welshly Arms - Sanctuary

🎵 Summary: After the Battle of Hogwarts, Harry and Draco both fall into their own battles with their mental states. Draco is sent to Azkaban, and Harry turns to drinking, hoping to forget.

Months later, Harry visits St Mungo’s new ward on request of a friend, only to find Draco in a deep vegetative state.

Not willing to give him up, Harry stays by his side, while simultaneously dealing with the Ministry's newest grand idea to make everything worse.

Making new alleys, and losing old ones on the way, would hopefully be worth it in the end.

📻 Fic : Modern Love (E, 61k) by tackytiger @tackytigerfic

📻 Art : Our Love Song (G) by chachisoo @creeeee

🎵 Song prompt: Modern Love by David Bowie

🎵 Fic summary: Harry Potter, of all people, knows that life isn’t always fair. And no one gets to be happy all of the time. But surely there’s something more—something better—than a rubbish Ministry job, and a lonely old house, and that feeling that everyone out there is doing a better job of living than Harry is.

And it really doesn’t seem fair that Draco Malfoy is back in Harry’s life, all of a sudden, and even though he’s wandless, and living with Muggles, and making his mother cry with his lifestyle choices, he’s happy. So what's he doing right, that Harry isn’t?

Because things don’t really change, do they? And if Harry can’t be happy, he’ll settle for a good night’s sleep, some posh antiques, and the opportunity to find out what Malfoy has been up to for all these years.

And that’s what starts it all.

🎵 Art summary: Harry and Draco enjoying a Sunday morning bus ride in London.

📻 For the Thousandth Time (T, 14k) by bluefay @thesleepiesthufflepuff (fic) and mehroomiyat (art)

🎵 Song Prompt: Lucky by Aurora

🎵 Summary: When Draco's wand refuses to work after the war, he turns to Harry for help.

📻 Fic : Returning Tides (E, 24.5k) by Zigster @zigster-ao3

📻 Art : Love Will Tear Us Apart (G) by Zigster @zigster-ao3

🎵 Song prompt: Love Will Tear Us Apart by Joy Division

🎵 Fic summary:

Is my timing that flawed? Our respect run so dry? Yet there's still this appeal That we've kept through our lives

🎵 Art summary: Art piece to accompany the fic ‘Returning Tides’, based on the song claim, 'Love Will Tear Us Apart' by Joy Division ***** Harry's brooding while straddling a motorbike. Need I say more?

📻 That Sweet Sweet Craving (E, 33.2k) by TheUltimateUndesirable @ultimateundesirable

🎵 Song prompt: Bleeding Out by Imagine Dragons

🎵 Summary: Harry is miserable living a lie because he thinks being a gay role model is wrong. Fake dates raising money for a charity that ends up putting him in a situation he had never expected. Draco Malfoy appears back in his life by some odd chance trying to flip his world upside down and he isn't sure it's a good thing. Malfoy always worked that way to him. Mental health issues, sex, escaping, and that sweet sweet craving of happiness.

🎶 H/D Wireless Fic 🎶

📻 Follow the Water (T, 38.2k) by xanthippe74 @xanthippe74

🎵 Song prompt: “Follow the Water” by Calexico/Iron & Wine

🎵 Summary: Harry Potter’s life is fine. Maybe a little dull and predictable, but he shouldn’t complain about that, right? When he unexpectedly finds himself at Luna’s house one afternoon, Harry gets invited to join the secret wonderland that she’s creating with a surprising group of friends. Maybe a summer outdoors is just what a former hero needs to bring some zest back into his life.

📻 Life goes not backward (T, 8.8k) by shealwaysreads @shealwaysreads

🎵 Song prompt: Daughter by Loudon Wainwright

🎵 Summary: Harry still isn’t used to gifts, but this one is different.

A story of coming home, finding safe ground, and the wild courage of putting down roots.

Leaving one life behind isn’t always a sacrifice, and sometimes the greatest good comes from embracing the people you love.

📻 The Way We Used To Love (E, 5.3k) by Zzzara @big-draco-energy

🎵 Song prompt: 'Used to Love' by Martin Garrix & Dean Lewis

🎵 Summary: Is there hope when what is not enough for the one happens to be too much for the other?

📻 but if you close your eyes (T, 3.3k) by cloudlesslysky @cloudlesslysky

🎵 Song prompt: Pompeii by Bastille

🎵 Summary: The New Magic Order is trying to take over Wizarding Britain. They're not the Death Eaters, but they're not any better either.

The lines of alliance have shifted, but Harry is still on the front lines working tirelessly to stop them.

📻 Haunt the corner of my eye (T, 23k) by harryromper @harryromper

🎵 Song prompt: Echoes of You - Marianas Trench

🎵 Summary: Harry’s life is very much on track. After a successful career as an Auror, he’s set to become the youngest ever Minister for Magic. But strange things are starting to happen at Grimmauld Place. Items he doesn’t recognise are appearing left and right, and somehow he never feels quite alone. There’s only one thing Harry knows for sure: it has something to do with Draco Malfoy.

📻 Now that the spring is in the air (T, 5.7k) by cloudlesslysky @cloudlesslysky

🎵 Song prompt: Seasons in the Sun by Westlife

🎵 Summary: A surprise attack in Diagon Alley leaves Draco struggling to make peace with the fact that he won't live long enough to experience his own wedding.

📻 Seven Days to Monday (M, 11.7k) by static_abyss @static_abyss

🎵 Song prompt: Say Something - A Great Big World

🎵 Summary: There are seven days before Harry has to meet Draco for the final signing of their divorce papers. It's been months and the surprise at finding nothing but more cold sheets and an empty pillow next to him still catches Harry unaware. He doesn't know where they go from here. Whether it's possible to go anywhere after everything that's happened between them.

📻 Blond Brew (E, 30.4k) by MicheleBlack @micheleblack

🎵 Song prompt: “Blondes” by Waterparks

🎵 Summary: A blond roast with soy milk makes Draco's morning, but a pair of green eyes makes his week.

📻 A Series of Nonsensical Events (T, 12.8k) by CoffeeCurse @coffee-curse

🎵 Song prompt: My Gospel by Charlie Puth

🎵 Summary: Malfoy is up to something. When Harry and the other Aurors are called into a Gringotts break-in and find him the culprit, Harry’s at a total loss.

But things only get weirder from then on.

📻 Ignore the Truth (E, 2.6k) by static_abyss @static_abyss

🎵 Song prompt: Dangerously - Charlie Puth

🎵 Summary: "Longtime on-again-off-again lovers Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy were caught in a compromising position in one the Ministry's lifts yesterday evening. While fans of the couple are optimistic, there's still doubt as to whether or not this particular reconciliation will last. When asked directly about the nature of his relationship with Draco Malfoy, the Boy Who Lived had simply this to say, 'Fuck right off, we're busy.'"

- The Daily Prophet, "Love Is In The Air," 28th Oct. 2005.

📻 Your Daddy Knows (You're A Flame) (E, 27.8k) by Ladderofyears @ladderofyears

🎵 Song prompt: Babyfather by Sade (2010)

🎵 Summary: It's just over a week until Draco's twenty-fifth birthday party and Harry Potter is a busy wizard. Amongst all the excitements of fatherhood, work and friends, Harry realises something special about his husband Draco. He is pregnant with their second, much wanted baby.

There's only one problem: Draco is entirely oblivious to the fact and seems determined to remain so.

📻 Don't search me in here (E, 6.7k) by Sassy3 @sassy-sassy3

🎵 Song prompt: Gone - Charlie XCX & Christine and the Queens

🎵 Summary: Draco spotted him in a corner, crowded by Ministry employees. He looked like an animal, trapped in a cage. He had a strained smile on his , and his eyes were looking everywhere else than on the people in front of him.

Draco can’t quite help himself, watching Potter from afar. Just out of curiosity, of course. He’s happy with his life, nothing is missing, and if he’s lonely it’s entirely by choice.

📻 I Can Be Your Lighthouse (T, 4k) by orpheus87

🎵 Song prompt: The Lighthouse by The Used

🎵 Summary: When Harry gets called to investigate reports of Dark magic, the last thing he expects to find is an almost unconscious Draco Malfoy. After multiple instances, he resolves to find out what's going on.

📻 Drop Everything Now (T, 21k) by parkkate @parkkate

🎵 Song prompt: Sparks Fly by Taylor Swift

🎵 Summary: After accidentally bonding himself to Malfoy, Harry finds himself in an utterly precarious situation…

📻 No one fucks with us (T, 3.3k) by Laura_Sinele @laurasinele

🎵 Song prompt: NFWMB by Hozier

🎵 Summary: Draco Malfoy wonders for how long has Harry Potter been a terrifying force of nature. Harry Potter thinks Draco Malfoy has been a badass MF all along. If the world has to end so they can have some peace and quiet, be it. They'll set it on fire.

📻 Will You Stay with Me? (M, 10.2k) by EvAEleanor @eva-eleanore

🎵 Song prompt: ‘Run’ - Daughter

🎵 Summary: Ten months ago, Draco had found none other than Harry Potter blindly drunk and bleeding outside a Muggle pub. He'd brought him home and hasn't left his side ever since. He looked after him, took care of him when yet another nightmare plagued him.

Harry is sure that Draco will leave him at some point, and he can’t let it happen. He can’t have another person leaving his life unexpectedly. So, Harry forces him to leave — after they spend one last night together.

📻 until the sun has changed the colour of my hair (T, 4.9k) by cloudlesslysky @cloudlesslysky

🎵 Song prompt: Jag saknar dig mindre och mindre - Melissa Horn

🎵 Summary: Draco's life has been one big mess ever since Potter broke up with him. He doesn't want to see his friends, he's too ashamed to see his parents, and his apartment is one giant mess. He's constantly prepared for disaster, and spends his time either alone in Muggle parks or in his apartment. But one day... One beautiful day... He will forget Harry, surely.

📻 Love Found (E, 7.5k) by peachpety @peachpety

🎵 Song Prompt: I Found, by Amber Run

🎵 Summary: During Harry’s sixth year, Draco Malfoy joins the Order as a double-agent and continues with his task to get the Death Eaters into the castle as assigned by Voldemort. Draco succeeds with his mission the evening Harry returns from the caves with Dumbledore. The boys reunite on the Astronomy Tower and, with the Death Eater’s arrival, are forced to engage in a fight, driving Harry to come to terms with his feelings about true friendship and romantic love.

📻 On the Third Day He Took Me to the River (M, 14.4k) by pixiedustatsundown @pixiedustatsundown

🎵 Song prompt: 'Where the Wild Roses Grow - Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds ft. Kylie Minogue'

🎵 Summary: This is a story of two lonely young men falling in love.

This is a story about dreams and duty, about witches that give purpose to the one and doom the other.

You think you know how the story goes, but this is a different story, and it doesn't end well.

📻 (When They Only Hear You Whisper) I'll Be Loud For You (T, 2.8k) by VeelaWings @veelawings

🎵 Song prompt: There for You - Martin Garrix/Troye Sivan

🎵 Summary: Potter must have been having nightmares again. He was restless in his bed across the room. Moonlight shone through his open bed curtains and highlighted the contours of his body, the grimace on his face blatant. His thick blanket was kicked down, one leg still covered by his twisted sheet, the musk of his sweat pungent in their small dorm. Low grunts accounted for the majority of the noise he made, but it was peppered by the occasional groan or unclear shout of words. However, ‘No,’ was always clear.

Draco hated it.

📻 The Interview (T, 17.3k) by Cibee (Cibeeeee) @cibeewastaken

🎵 Song prompt: Just Say Yes - Snow Patrol

🎵 Summary: One interview had Draco realizing how naïve he was for thinking he deserved Harry.

📻 Lookalike (M, 1.4k) by Zzzara @big-draco-energy

🎵 Song prompt: 'Lookalike' by Conan Gray

🎵 Summary: When you look in his eyes, Do you think of mine? And when you look at that smile, Do I cross your mind? I know in your head You see me instead 'Cause he looks a lot like I did back then Baby, don't lie, He's just a lookalike... ©

📻 As Fascinating As a Slap Bracelet (T, 13.2k) by acupforslytherin @acupforslytherin

🎵 Song prompt: Have It All - Jason Mraz

🎵 Summary: Who would have thought that a wacky little Muggle toy would lead to an unlikely friendship between Harry and Draco? Not Harry, certainly.

Who would have thought that this friendship would bloom into something more? Well, Ron, for one.

📻 If Sex Is the Drug, Then What Is the Cost (E, 3.8k) by EvAEleanor @eva-eleanore

🎵 Song prompt: I Almost Told You That I Loved You - Papa Roach

🎵 Summary: For quite some time, Harry has been seeing Malfoy. Well... Actually, he's hired Malfoy, to keep him company, in his bedroom. It's only sex — honestly — and since Malfoy is the best, he's the only person Harry wants. That's all it is, right?

📻 I Grow Fonder Every Day (M, 21.6k) by Drarrelie @drarrelie

🎵 Song prompt: One and Only by Adele

🎵 Summary: Draco still doesn’t know if it’s a blessing or a curse, sharing a flat in Muggle London with Harry Potter.

It’s all Draco’s ever wanted — more than he’d ever wished for. And if it entails suppressing his inconvenient feelings for the man, so what? He’s perfectly happy with his life as it is, perfectly content with just having Potter close and enjoying his company.

That is, until one Friday evening at the beginning of April when the end starts.

📻 How Can I Live Without you? (G, 2.2k) by ununquadius @ununquadius

🎵 Song prompt: "So Far Away", by Avenged Sevenfold

🎵 Summary: After Draco's death, Harry wonders how can he live without the one he loves when he's so far away.

📻 Following the Arrow to Your Heart (E, 10.9k) by goddessofthehearth

🎵 Song prompt: Give Me Love by Ed Sheeran

🎵 Summary: After the war, Draco is recruited into the Department of Love (aka Cupid's Arrow). His job is to bring together witches and wizards whose magical signatures are only compatible with each others' (essentially soulmates). As they all learned during training, Cupids are chosen because they do not have soulmates.

Six years later, Draco's convinced himself that he's perfectly fine with not having a soulmate. But his latest client turns out to be Harry Potter, and he's forced to reconsider in light of his old feelings.

📻 cos I only need your name to call the reasons why I fought (T, 6.6k) by cloudlesslysky @cloudlesslysky

🎵 Song prompt: War, by Poets of the Fall

🎵 Summary: Ron and Hermione leave the Horcrux hunt, leaving a hurt Harry behind.

But at least Draco is still there with him.

📻 Madness (M, 10k) by tigersilver

🎵 Song prompt: House of Fun by Madness

🎵 Summary: A desperate search for contraception all around Diagon Alley.

📻 Between Myth and Man (E, 16.2k) by slytherco @slytherco

🎵 Song prompt: Why'd you only call me when you're high? - Arctic Monkeys

🎵 Summary: Draco, lost and a little broken, navigates post-war reality convinced that people like him should not be allowed to make their own choices. To solve the problem of his self-sabotaging tendencies, he starts taking a few drops of Veritaserum every morning.

A story about the complexity of choices, repressed desires that come to the surface when we least expect them, and the utter hopelessness of truths built on a foundation of lies.

📻 stay awhile (stay here with me) (T, 3.1k) by panicparade @panicissharp

🎵 Song prompt: I like me better - Lauv

🎵 Summary: "Then when?" Harry tries again. He's not sure if he really wants to see the photo or if he just wants to keep talking to Malfoy. This Malfoy, who is so different from what he was expecting. In his Muggle jeans and smartly pressed sweater, with an air of vulnerability around him that Harry isn't used to seeing, Malfoy looks approachable in a way he never has before.

Harry stops his fidgeting as Malfoy looks up to meet his eyes. Through the hum of the crowded pub, he has to strain a little to hear him. "Maybe," Malfoy starts, hesitating a little but never breaking eye contact, "one day?"

📻 All it needs is messing it up and stars (G, 5.9k) by a_reader_and_writer @harrypotterfanfictionwriter

🎵 Song prompt: Tongue Tied by Faber Drive

🎵 Summary: After the war all the Malfoy's came off with light sentences. Now during 8th year Draco is finally free to be himself and date his crush; Harry Potter. Or at least so he thought..

A letter from his father rips that happiness away.

But maybe in the end it will take just a bit of messing up and some stars to get that happiness back.

📻 I'm gonna let it happen (E, 12.3k) by tomoewantsdolls @tomoewantsdolls

🎵 Song prompt: Florence + The Machine - Shake it out

🎵 Summary: And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope It's a shot in the dark and right at my throat 'Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me Looking for heaven, for the devil in me Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me

📻 I feel it in my bones (M, 6.3k) by cloudlesslysky @cloudlesslysky

🎵 Song prompt: Radioactive - Imagine Dragons

🎵 Summary: Harry’s heartbeat is loud in his ears as his heart pounds in his chest. His lungs burn as he pants for air. His legs are screaming in protests as he continues to push them to their limit, forcing himself to run ever faster.

📻 Born in the U.S.A. (M, 9k) by KittyCargo @kittycargo

🎵 Song prompt: I'm on Fire by Bruce Springsteen

🎵 Summary: “You need to come home, Draco.”

“What? Why? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong, I just have an opportunity for you, and you need to come home to take it.”

When Draco's mother insists he comes home, he drags his feet and convinces his friends to take a road trip.

📻 just tell me when it's alright (E, 23k) by M0stlyVoid @bonesliketambourines

🎵 Song prompt: Teeth, Lady Gaga

🎵 Summary: Harry’s been fighting tooth and nail for any bit of normalcy he can get his hands on. He’s sick of feeling like something’s wrong with him, tired of feeling different. He thinks he’s finally gotten to the root of it, and has settled into a routine that makes him happy. Naturally, that’s when Draco Malfoy walks back into his life and upends it once again. Has Harry bitten off more than he can chew with his former rival?

📻 The Courting by the Pureblood Who Only Has Five Milligrams of Romantic Intelligence and Thinks He’s Real Smooth (T, 19.4k) by Cibee (Cibeeeee) @cibeewastaken

🎵 Song prompt: Cupid - Amy Winehouse

🎵 Summary: Draco could grab Potter and shove him into a stall before proceeding to suck his soul out of his dick, but secretly, deep down, in the part of Draco that he will never admit to anyone, he is (everyone pauses to shudder) a romantic. Potter is not someone Draco wants a one-off with. Potter is — Draco’s beloved!

So Draco decides to boldly go where no one has gone before: to put himself through scrutiny; their friends’ teasing and pranks; unsound romantic advice from a house-elf; wearing pretty clothes; all to try and win Potter’s heart through courtship.

(An unnamed ginger bastard can be heard yelling from afar: “This is actually a detailed guide on how not to court someone!”)

But who cares about the opinions of redheads? Literally no one.

📻 What Will We Do With a Drunken Harry? (E, 4.9k) by Thunder_of_Dragons @thunder-of-dragons

🎵 Song prompt: "Drunken Sailor" by The Irish Rovers

🎵 Summary: A victorious Quidditch match, a claimed Quidditch Cup, and a wild House party can mean only one thing. Will the aftermath lead to one excruciating hangover in the morning, or will it perhaps lead to something more?

📻 Though Your World Is Changing, I Will Be The Same (E, 15.9k) by hephaestiions

🎵 Song prompt: Slave To Love by Bryan Ferry

🎵 Summary: “I shower after work,” Harry had told him once when Draco had asked what cologne had such longevity as to be effective after a full day of gruelling Auror work.

“For me?” Draco had asked. Teased, just a little. There had been a smile lingering on the edges of his consciousness, threatening to traipse onto his mouth.

“For Ginny,” Harry had said, voice flat. “She hates it when I come back sweaty and crackling with other people’s hexes. Did you know magic has a smell? I didn’t until she told me.”

–

It's all fun and games, till somebody falls in love. Given his luck, it's obviously Draco who has to go and do it.

📻 I Can't Help Falling in Love with You (NR, 4.8k) by readdreamwrite26 @readdreamwrite26

🎵 Song prompt: I can't help falling in love with you - Elvis Presley

🎵 Summary: Harry stood up and set his hand out to Draco. “Dance?” “I didn’t know you danced, Potter.” “Hm, I’ve danced a lot in my time," Harry replied smugly. “How do I know you won’t step on my feet?” “You don’t, but I think the risk will be worth it.”

📻 Searching For a Place to Hide (T, 12.5k) by Erin_Riwen @erin-riwen

🎵 Song prompt: Love Will Keep Us Alive - The Eagles

🎵 Summary: After the war, there were threats against the Malfoys. Needing them kept safe until the trials are over, the Ministry puts them in protective custody but a murder attempt proves there’s a Ministry leak. Desperate, the Ministry decides a safe house is best, but who to trust to keep it secret and keep them safe? Narcissa calls in a life debt, the Minster calls in a favour and Harry Potter wonders why his life continues to hate him.

Along the way, the Malfoys learn how to be a family again, Harry learns that some things are not how he thought and maybe never were, and the touch-starved boys discover that they may be each other's forever answer.

📻 Isolated Thunderstorms and Scattered Showers (T, 21.3k) by triggerlil @triggerlil

🎵 Song prompt: Iris - the GooGoo Dolls

🎵 Summary: Post-war, Harry needs space. Everything is too much all at once, and time and time again, he finds himself pulling the invisibility cloak over his head, just for a bit of peace.

Returning for eighth year is hard, especially when you're considered a war hero, and your name is Harry James Potter. It's just that things go a little wonky when Harry starts following Malfoy, and finds that he can't (or doesn't want to) stop.

📻 Kiss It Better (E, 1.5k) by articcat621 @articcat621

🎵 Song prompt: Kiss It Better by Rihanna

🎵 Summary: When Harry's injured, Draco knows there's no place he'd rather be than by his side.

📻 (shut up and) dance with me (T, 7.9k) by punk_rock_yuppie @punk-rock-yuppie

🎵 Song prompt: Shut Up and Dance - Walk the Moon

🎵 Summary: Four dances Harry and Draco share.

📻 In Love with the Ferret (E, 21.9k) by Pineau_noir @pineau-noir

🎵 Song prompt: I'm Yours by Jason Mraz

🎵 Summary: Harry has never been the most observant bloke. Sometimes to the point of him not realising his feelings for a particular pointy, pale git. And it's not his fault if literally everyone else knows about said feelings except for Harry and the git in question. So it's really not his fault, when faced with the scope of his feelings, he suddenly has a hard time talking to one Draco Malfoy. Or looking him in the eye. Or not being a total weirdo around him.

There's nothing to do but take the advice of his friends and try to woo Draco over dinners with friends, Ministry cases, and an unfortunately named Italian restaurant.

Harry just can't stop the flutter in his chest when he sees Draco smile.

📻 Dance with me? (M, 8.2k) by Aylaar @accioxanxiety

🎵 Song prompt: I Wanna Dance With Somebody - Whitney Houston

🎵 Summary: Draco had given up on love, until one day sitting outside the usual gaudy cafe he frequented 'people watching' he spotted Harry Potter lurking, a suspicious Draco investigates and a series of events ensue.

📻 The Cupid Incident (E, 12.6k) by meandminniemcg @meandminniemcg

🎵 Song prompt: Can' Get You out of My Head - Kylie Minogue

🎵 Summary: Draco gets into the way of a potions attack and can't get Potter out of his head.

📻 Carouse (E, 19.9k) by Drarryismymuse (Hatchersn) @drarryismymuse

🎵 Song prompt: Dead by Madison Beer

🎵 Summary: Carouse (verb): To drink plentiful amounts of alcohol and enjoy oneself with others in a noisy, lively way.

Harry finds himself using alcohol in increasingly dangerous ways to cope with the stresses of life. When he is put on leave from work to sort out his issue, he instead falls head first into a lively club scene where he can drink and fuck his worries away. That is, until a certain blond from his past reappears and throws off his entire routine.

Massive well done to all these talented creators - you’ve made this fest utterly spectacular! Take a bow!!

🎙️ Don’t forget to check out the Playlists:

Youtube

Spotify (Provided by @eva-eleanore Thank ypu so much!)

#HD Wireless #hd wireless 2020 #hd wireless reveals

201 notes · View notes

my-writings-and-musings · 4 years ago

Note

This is the medic berth sharing anon, and I forgot to add, what if when talking to a bot(not necessarily a medic), the conversation some how drifted to where the human just casually mentions that professional cuddling is A Thing, and what would the reactions be?

I've got a lot here as a follow up because once again, your ideas inspire me anon! Prepare for a wall of text!

Rodimus

·He's not necessarily surprised, because your species is so incredibly soft, why not have humans who specialize in using that talent? But he's still never considered it before, and is curious as to how one becomes a "proffesional" at something so basic, and what kind of training it could possibly entail.

·Hearing that it's more for humans who have endured trauma, or humans who come from cultures or backgrounds where such contact is frowned upon, makes him a little sad. He's an affectionate bot and can't imagine not having access to something so simple, but then realizes their own species could perhaps do with some physical affection based therapy, not that he feels qualified to suggest such a thing...

Drift

·After a brief request for more information he's delighted by the sound of the practice, even if he doesn't have all the details. Creating harmony through positive energy and healing through affection is a personal ideal of his, and to hear another species practicing it is quite uplifting!

·It's unfortunate it isn't widely practiced, but the mere fact it exists is enough to give him some inspiration, so he asks for as many facts as you can give. With a bit of planning he absolutely intends to pursue this for Cybertronians, even if by just bringing it up as a proposal, and hopefully Ratchet will be willing to give it a chance!

Ultra Magnus/Minimus Ambus

·Initially he needs you to repeat yourself and explain in more depth, because he's certain he heard you wrong. How can one do something so common "professionally"? It takes a fair amount of conversation and a lot of context for him to understand the therapeutic aspect, which he begins to see once you also lay out what a social species humans are and how damaging solitude can be.

·The idea of healing through affectionate contact is something he can grasp, at least. Cybertronians aren't so different, though many such needs have long been neglected, and he is doubtful it could catch on until a significant amount of restoration is done. He'd be interested in seeing it happen, and can see how it would benefit a war ravaged population, provided there is proper licencing for those who wish to pursue it.

Ratchet

·He's immediately intrigued, but not at all surprised, and discusses the similarities such a practice reveals between humans and Cybertronians. As imposing as bots may be, they're still a social species, and a lack of physical affection can do great harm. Also like humans, bots tend to be unaware of the depth of the need until they're suffering.

·Talking about it really gets him thinking. They've neglected a lot to win the war, and now that they're here, needs like this should come back into focus. It would certainly be worth it to encourage such things where he can, even if bots don't understand or believe in the benefits. They may not have proffesional cuddlers, but this ship is undoubtedly bursting with lonely bots who'd be willing to give it a try.

Rung

·As a kind of therapy, it's entirely new to him, but the benefits are exceptionally clear even before you elaborate. Bots are a caring and tender species under all that armor, despite the image the war has created, so he can see that humans would find solace in such a thing due to their similarities. Being a proponent of slow and measured healing also makes the idea quite agreeable.

·He discusses the possible changes one would have to make for Cybertronians, which would probably be somewhat significant due to their differences in size, anatomy, and cultural practices. The basic idea could still stay though, especially for the many traumatized not just by battle, but by the shortage of tender intimacy the war created in its stead. He'll absolutely write a paper on this, and he actually feels it's worth publishing! Should you suggest he'd be a natural at providing such care he will blush for a multitude of reasons.

Swerve

·He keeps it to himself, but his first emotion is one of absolute longing. Someone to just hold you, and comfort you, with the skill of a therapist but the gentle embrace of a friend? He plays it off like he sees it as another quirky human thing, but he subtly prods for more information under the veneer of casual conversation, and starts wishing his own kind had an equivalent.

·As much as he'd prefer having someone who just wants to be with him like that as a friend, the idea of a proffesional is still tempting beyond belief, and he wonders if the increased interaction between your species might make some bots pick up the trade. Just enjoying the simple, uninterrupted company of another for a bit would be heavenly, but he's absolutely not willing to say that out loud.

Skids

·Knowing that slow and steady therapy works, he can definitely see that being helpful, even if he doubts he'd ever get anything out of something like that. He likes to move and have fun when he socializes, and sitting still with someone would probably just end in a nap for him, not that he minds the idea of that too much...

·One thing he is curious about is the statistics of the occupation, as baffling as they may be. Why are the proffesionals mostly female and the clients mostly male? Don't humans, like bots, long for affection no matter their physical makeup? An explanation of stereotypes and gender roles and everything involved on that front just makes him think he needs a drink.

Whirl

·Of course he cracks a few jokes about tiny squishy humans needing to be mushed, but it's in good humor, because he actually gets it pretty much right away. The whole idea is a sappy one, but all of therapy is sappy, and you can thank brains for being so darn easy to trick up with feelings for that little design flaw.

·He explains that the biggest part of you to hurt when someone screws you over is your sense of trust, so something that makes you be super vulnerable is obviously the way to fix it, at least for some. After emphasizing how he'd never benefit from such a thing, he posits that cuddling is potentially the most dangerous thing you can do, making folks willing to try it on thr regular with strangers pretty damn brave. His logic on the ease of stabbing while snuggling is not one you can argue.

Chromedome

·Fully aware of the chaos life can bring, he immediately gets why someone would want a little time to relax with someone calm, even if it's more of a clinical session than a platonic bonding. Admittedly the lack of concrete guidelines does worry him a little once he hears the qualifications are rather loose, but is anything perfect?

·Being a bot who fully gets how desperate a suffering individual will go, he can't help but consider what a benefit such simple pain relief could be, but also mourns for those who don't have access to something so... basic. Suffice to say he gets ample cuddling, and knows full well how precious every moment is.

Rewind

·Being so focused on memory has taught him the emotional impact even a little encounter can have, so he isn't at all surprised some species would have learned to utilize this, only that his own hasn't. Being such a varied and armored species can make any intimacy difficult, but that hardly means they're strangers to snuggling after all.

·The thought of such loneliness can't help but make him a little sad, especially when he learns many of the humans seeking out this service are in relationships. Not a day goes by for him without hand holding or hugs or nuzzles... He hopes your species makes this more common as therapy for their own sake.

Cyclonus

·Initially he's a bit bewildered, though many aspects of earth culture bewilder him, and further discussion does little to help him grasp the concept or its benefits. It seems silly and, at least internally, he can't help but perceive it as inappropriate. It isn't until you elaborate on why humans seek this service out that he begins to get some clarity.

·Hearing about how many human cultures frown on caring contact in virtually any situation, even between partners, is a little alarming. He knows the struggle of expressing emotions after even allowing yourself to feel them, but to be so caged by tradition that one needs secret contact with a proffesional for a taste of warmth or companionship... well, that's unfortunate.

Tailgate

·Immediately you see him perk up, as if the mere mention of cuddling catches his attention. He asks lots of questions, some on the proffesion and others on the ways humans express care, and while saddened that the job is needed he's happy that help is there for those who need it.

·You're then given an enthusiastic but confidential talk on how he's finally getting all the hugs he needs with Cyclonus, who will never admit it but he's certain is benefiting from the cuddling as much as he is. While not aware of the six million years he was out, it's felt as if his body is, and thus he's been eagerly catching up with loving snuggles whenever possible. Speaking of which, want a hug?

Velocity

·She's not at all caught off guard by the idea, as it makes a lot of sense for the sake of mental health, especially to a doctor of a species that could use the practice. While Caminus has been spared the war between factions, it's unfortunately not a haven for emotional wellbeing either. The need to stand out and meet cultural requirements of frugality forces many to be just as reserved with their needs as the humans seeking out help that you describe.

·She wonders if it'd be possible to introduce something like that to her own people, if not on Cybertron. But there's a lot of cultural resistance, just as she's sure you've seen on earth, to taking care of oneself even for such a basic need. She expresses respect for humans on actually taking the steps to improve.

Nautica

·As with all new things, she's immediately interested in learning the full depth of the subject, both inside and out. If you don't know it all that's okay! She can just plough through a few books and then she'll feel like she's got it down! This means she wants to know about human therapy, affection, cultural hindrances, the neurochemtistry of physical contact... Anything you know to start on these subjects would be helpful.

·Before and after her quick study break, her biggest takeaway is the huge taboo humans have placed on touching, something she can barely wrap her head around. Sure, bots have unnecessary hangups as well, but casual taction just... happens? Why would any culture have issues with that? Even as someone who occasionally trips up and crosses physical boundaries, she knows that space is important, but it's not meant to be a barrier. You'll let her know if you need a break from what sounds like an exhausting mindset, won't you? She's always here for a quick hug or even just a shoulder pat!

Megatron

·All talk of human culture once made him cringe, not out of disgust, but out of an admittedly deserved guilt. With you he's at least opening up to conversation on the topic, and this is one of the things he needs a bit of elaboration on, as his bafflement is so great you can see it on his face. His experience with physical affection being nonexistent doesn't make it any easier for him to follow.

·When you mention the concept of being "touch starved" he finally gets it, but has a less than thrilling realization himself. He's never heard a word describe his deeply buried longing so effectively, and your talk of earth culture occasionally stifling people to the point of needing these services strikes a nerve he hadn't known was so tender. As with every other vulnerability in his life, he buries it down and secures the weakness firmly away, keeping his expression neutral as he pretends the topic is just another curiosity.

104 notes · View notes

isabeladraws · 5 years ago

Photo

harrington fam doodles 🌿🌟🌻 big headcanon dump below | ko-fi

jett phoenix harrington, air & metal att

thief player and very good at it (becomes captain eventually)

not so academic but get's good enough grades (beckett still pushes him a lot)

loves to travel (one year he suddenly hates it)

him and selene are T R O U B L E M A K E R S

mischevious and playful

knows the deans office like the palm of his hand

popular at school

takes every opportunity to show off like his mom

sunday's clumsy twin

cry baby

runs hot and biggest cuddler

loves animals. he would always bring an injured animal home to nurse them back to health

sporty and energetic, can't sit still for very long

kind and open minded

has sunday’s chaoticness with none of becketts caution lol

wears his heart on his sleave

beckett was the only one that could calm him as a baby

he starts to thrive academically at penderghast after picking his major (there was a lot of comotion surrounding this because beckett wanted him to choose the right path and be involved but the friction in their relationship made it seem beckett was disappointed and frustrated with jett instead)

selene maeve harrington, air & wood att

daddy's girl tm

can do no wrong in becketts eyes

very good at school with not much effort

teachers love her. sunday taught her all the tricks

her favorite subject is natural studies, anything with herbology and potions

butterflies are her motif

veeeery michisvious and is never caught. atlas taught her a few tricks to get past professors/beckett (she cant fool sunday though)

appears to be unapproachable but is very loving

atlas is her favorite person

loves to garden & animals (bugs especially)

bff with shreya's daughter (shreya and atlas may or may not be married in my headcanon)

she likes to travel and meet new people/species

keeps a journal that is spelled to leave you smelling like farts for 48h if you (jett) try to read it

has sunday's chaoticness with becketts caution/awareness

morning person, loves to watch the sunrise

loveees to dance and beckett is more than eager to be her teacher and dance partner

has beckett's snobby/expensive taste

pro at skiing

she hates how often dad pulls out his philosophy major card to scold them for using their powers on each other (they all do tbh)

she names her plants

very curious bub

marlow archie harrington, water & metal att

the baby tm

a bit of a wallflower compared to his siblings

beckett sees a lot of himself in marlow

loovees water related books

enjoys being near the water a lot

has very specific interests, like we'll just spit out random facts at the dinner table and beck and sunday look at each other like ??

he takes long ass baths (very particular with his bath bombs too)

he can be a bit blunt and rude if he's flustered and with strangers

atlas taught him how to breathe underwater and he spends a lot of time exploring

the merpeople love him, he brings them snacks

mister know it all, the smarty pants

beckett doesn't seem to be as hard on him as he is with jett

lowkey hates to travel

he enjoys routine and being in familiar places

observant and forgetful

big video game fan

he's better at metal than jett but jett has a better grasp of other attunements than he does

loves to sleep with his parents and it was a habit hard to kill

asked for a fish tank for xmas but felt bad for the fish so he released them in the middle of the night

he's the one that figures out the triplets together can make sun magick

sunday & beckett's grocery shopping buddy

loves to cook

vegetarian

he doesn’t have freckles like his siblings, just a bunch of moles

sunday & beckett as parents

not sure what their jobs would be (i would love to hear your thoughts on magickal jobs?) beckett maybe would have a job that he could do anywhere since his major is magick philosophy? sunday i think could go on to do thief professionally for a while but quits after getting pregnant. i don't think she'd want to go back afterwards. i wish we had more info what could be done post uni or an idea of the majors we could take. i could see both of them teaching later in life though.

in my mind, they travel aaaaa lottt. like maybe twice a year would be least they travel. sunday wants to see the attunned world and beckett is more than happy to give her that. they both love exploring and gives them opportunity to be espontaneous and nerdy at the same time. beckett loves teaching sunday about things he always knew growing up but she's only now discovering. it started when sunday was asked to join a pro thief team and beckett was studying away for his masters. they'd take mini trips almost every 2 months to escape their lives and have these unforgetable memories. they got the bug and never stopped since.

sunday after getting pregnant - which i think they were parents quite young at 25 - she wants to stay with her kids, beckett too, and they both find this need to be home all the time. they want to be there 24/7 and not leave the kids with nannies or babysitters. do not get me wrong, they ask the pend pals and the family to watch them frequently for sanity and date nights. beckett officially went back to work after 1 year of staying home, he started working properly after 8 months of the triplets being born though. sunday didn't mind being at home with them. she found motherhood to be the greatest code she could ever crack.

around 6 months of the babies being born, beckett and sunday tried to travel for a few days to a nearby lake town. there, they discovered marlow's affinity to water. they had a hunch, the kid loved bath time but being in untamed water sparked something in him. after that, they decided to keep travelling, to take their kids exploring. they went on a trip almost every 2 months after that. beckett went back to work and it was time to adjust a little and slow down.

sunday became an avid photographer. they had filled out 3 albums in a year. "they grow so fast!!" she would say when beckett made fun of her after pulling out the camera.

as you can tell, they travel a lot. after the kids get a big bigger, they try to stay places a bit longer, so they can really explore. they do settle when the kids reach school-age, but keep travelling during weekends, school breaks, etc. i think they'd make big moves every 3 years, until officially settling in in their forever home, before the kids join penderghast. (this could change, depending on their jobs. but yeah u get the gist)

sunday cant cook for shit when she becomes a mom. beckett is much better at that. she becomes better bc she cant lose to her husband, of course. the kids will say they prefer her food now over his.

WHEN DO THEY GET MARRIED? who knows folks jdsngk (secretly eloping after graduating penderghast?)

surprisingly, sunday is the one with an iron fist. she sets rules like cleaning up, curfew, no using their powers to hit or fight each other, etc and she’s the one the kids don't want to defy the most. beckett gets annoyed easily but settles down fast and lets them go do everything in the end. sunday doesn't disapprove of them exploring and doing kid stuff but she has a bit of fear given what atlas has been through.

sunday is the ultimate soccer mom. the kid's biggest cheerleader

beckett teaches the kids yoga super early, marlow and selene find it very relaxing

beckett makes the triplets wear penderghast's uniform

sunday packs them regular clothes so they can wear wtv they want when they aren’t visiting (beckett made a surprise visit once so now they have a backup uniform in their bags at all times)

every sunday of the month is tuneless food day. (get it) they usually also make trips to tuneless cities during weekends to get even more in the mood.

sunday and beckett collect postcards from wherever they go. they have a big wall full of mementos and family photos.

(i haven't decided on familiars for the kids and i kinda want a new type for selene *coughs* butterfly *coughs*)

sunday starts some homeschooling with the kids. being attuned to every element has its perks and she enjoys teaching them spells. they’re quite advanced for kids their age, magick wise

#grab a cup of tea u guys lmao #beckett x mc #the elementalists #beckett harrington #sunday olsen #te fanart #the elementalists fanart #te mc #harrington triplets #selene harrington #jett harrington #marlow harrington #fanart #my draws #choices #choices fanart #IGNORE TYPOS PLEASE

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scretladyspider · 5 years ago

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Tumblr, please help a queer disabled spoonie escape homelessness?

Hi! It is September 8th 2019, and I need your help. Could you take a moment to reblog this post?

Here’s the situation.

I’ve been homeless since June and living in a spare room with a couple of friends. It’s been really rough. They didn’t really think through the cost of an extra person, and they want to help me out, but.. I definitely feel the tension, and I feel so much guilt for not being out on my feet yet. While I try to contribute by cleaning the house, and I do finally have a better job in retail.. it would be a lie to say things haven’t been tense at times. I’ve been trying to pay them back where I can and even set up a gofundme, but it hasn’t gotten too far past the halfway point. The fact is moving out is expensive with having to pay for both the first month’s rent and the down payment, and well... it’s not easy being a homeless person in a spare room with two of your best friends.. not easy at all. There’s definitely been a high emotional cost. Of course, this hasn’t been the only thing, but.. yeah. Let’s just say that I love these people, but... I definitely feel like a burden, and I don’t think I’m entirely wrong in feeling that. Of course they would never tell me that, but.. it’s just not been easy. I want to pay them back, I want to be a good roommate... I am doing what I can, but, it seems like I can’t ever do enough on my own.

I can’t really move back in with my folks, either, even if that was a good idea (which I don’t think it is). They’re currently housing two of my dad’s friends who are also experiencing homelessness and don’t have room for me. It’s not feasible. They’re currently housing my two kitties, who I miss terribly.

I’m disabled, but getting help for that is lengthy and less than easy, espeically when you don’t really have an address of your own. I can work, and I am working, which makes it harder to get help to make up the difference in the cost of living. I have been hospitalized 6 times for depression, I have ADHD, DPDR, and an unspecified mood disorder, I have endometriosis - it’s ridiculous to list everything to be honest. I’m able to keep out of the hospital with psychiatric help and medication for the endometriosis but it is something I have to be constantly managing. I’m also queer - demisexual, polyamorous, panromantic - and if we’re real I don’t know if I’m cis but I’ve given up on the question. Managing my health is my #1 priority because it has to be. It keeps me out of the hospital and alive. It’s hard, and I don’t get everything right, but it’s better than being dead. I’d like to stay not-dead and out of the hospital.

So yeah, there’s a lot going on, and I’m quite exhausted by being in the thick of it at this point. I’m glad I still have access to depression treatment because without it... I don’t know where I’d be, you know?

It may not seem like much, and I know these posts get shared and made all the time, but please reblog this. It's not even the first one I've had to make. But the lease on the apartment I'm lucky enough to stay in ends soon, and I really am doing everything I can. I'm working, I'm looking at a second or third job, and I'm just trying to get by. I'm disabled and working full time is extremely difficult, so working two jobs isn't going to be great either. I'm trying to get what help I can, but a big source of need here is money. Upside, I can finally consistently eat! Downside, I desperately need to not be living in a spare room anymore. I'm even trying to pay back the people I'm living with where I can, but it's tough. Thanks to the generosity of others I was able to start filing for bankruptcy (yay medical bills!) but it's not enough to move out. On top of that you guys might’ve seen my post about how google ads told me I could make payments and that was a big fat lie? Yeah... it’s been rough. It’s like every bit of progress I make, I have to buy food, or my meds, or drive to my psychiatrist, or there was the time I had to get a foot xray.. being sick isn’t cheap, neither is eating. I’m glad I’ve got more work now, and I am trying to get a second job, but that’s no guarantee. So I’m asking all of you.

I am working at last - both on art AND in retail, and hoping to finally move out soon. I'm SO CLOSE to not being homeless but I need some help. The lease on this apartment is up soon and I need to be ready to move out before that happens.

You can help me get back on my feet by

reblogging this post

becoming a patron

buying a coffee

reblogging this post for your followers

Giving on PayPal, CashApp ($secretladyspider), or Venmo (Ellerosecunningham)

reblogging / sharing this post

Everything helps, I promise it does. I’m so thankful that I’ve made it this far. Now I need to make it even farther.

Thank you for reading, and thank you for your help. Have a great rest of your day!

#spoonie #disability #adhd #dpdr #depression #homeless #lgbt #demisexual #pansexual #panromantic #queer #mental health #please help if you can #thank you

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publiccollectors · 5 years ago

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QUARANZINE #14

QUARANZINE #14: Rachel Herman. Rachel was diagnosed as a presumptive positive for COVID-19 after a test for Influenza A and B turned up negative. She's been fighting the virus for just over two weeks. Yesterday she posted this long message on Facebook about her experience so far and I asked her about publishing it in QUARANZINE. She had been thinking about reaching out to me, so we were both on the same page. The text is very long for the format I adhere to so the type is quite small, unfortunately. Here it is in its entirety: Dear friends,

This is the week many of us will get sick. Social distancing is working, but most cities waited too long to declare shelter-in-place orders and many others have yet to. So, we will see spikes in confirmed cases within the next week or so. I want you all to be armed with pragmatic and useful information if this happens to you or someone you care about.

I am on Day 14 of what was diagnosed as a presumptive positive for COVID-19 after a test for Influenza A and B turned up negative. (I am still waiting for my COVID-19 results.) I’ve had a relatively mild case, and I’m on the mend. My congestion is clearing up, I can breathe deeply again, and going up and down the stairs doesn’t make me winded. My energy and appetite are coming back though I still have had a fever of 100+ for 14 straight days. Most of us will get a mild case. 40-70% of us will get it, but so much of the media frenzy right now is focused on things that were important last week and yesterday (every day feels a year these days, though, to be fair). I have seen shockingly few articles or helpful testimonials advising how best to treat ourselves at home, and, trust me, I’ve been looking. So much of the information we’re focused on now is preventing transmission, but there is woefully little on what to do IF and WHEN we get sick.

Being waylaid during the time that so many folks have been still frantically trying to avoid getting sick has offered me a strange bubble of calm and insight. I’m grateful for that because the fear out there is palpable. I would like for this to be an offering to assuage at least some panic. That is my hope anyway.

The CDC and the WHO have labored and lengthy instructions on how to prevent transmission to someone else in the household or orders to quarantine. This creates a new problem for us as caregivers. A potentially critically ill person separated from everyone else drastically reduces a caregiver’s ability to monitor, replenish fluids, and generally take care of the person who is sick. On top of that, these two trusted sources offer only the most basic (honestly, negligible) recommendations for treating symptoms: sleep, keep hydrated, and take Tylenol (or the generic acetaminophen). This kind of bare bones advice is, well, skeletal. We all want to know how best to take care of ourselves and each other so that we can avoid having to go to the hospital. We want to be able to recuperate at home because we want to prevent putting a strain on the system and, face it, the idea of going to the hospital in this scenario is downright daunting. The better we know how to nurse ourselves back to health, the better our odds are healing well in our own beds.

So, I wanted to share what I’ve learned.

Caveat emptors/disclaimers because I’m making this public and shareable: This is based on my own personal, lived experience. I am not a doctor, so this does not replace or supplant solid medical advice from a professional you trust. I have had relatively mild symptoms but still a longish case. I am one of the freakish 5% who has had never-ending nasal congestion that went into my upper respiratory tract, but I somehow avoided the dreaded cough. YMMV (your mileage may vary). I have no underlying health concerns, I’m 52, a non-smoker, and fortunate. I have a comfortable apartment to myself, and I was able to spend $500 to stock up on essentials before the lockdown and before I got sick. (For the love of all that is holy, I swear I did not stockpile anything, especially TP. Stocking up is simply incredibly expensive. I dwindled my account down to almost my last dollar, since I’m adjunct faculty at two local universities and don’t make a whole lot.) Still, that is more than so many of us are able to do, and I am grateful for all that I have. What follows goes a bit beyond common sense, because this virus is unlike anything I’ve experienced before, even though to be clear, this is certainly a far cry from the sickest I’ve ever been. I hope it can be a boon to friends and strangers alike.

Here are the things I did that helped:

WHILE YOU ARE WELL

1) Start taking your temperature in the morning and at night so that you have a baseline.

One of the first signs of the virus can be a low-grade fever, though this virus does present in different ways. Full disclosure: I was one of those people who had to go to 3 different drugstores on Wed Mar 11 looking for a thermometer amid decimated shelves.

2) Before you get sick, change your diet.

Stop eating and drinking things that will make it harder to fight off the virus. Mellow out on the processed foods, dairy, and sugar (alcohol and gluten are in this category too, sorry).

Increase your intake of immune-boosting foods like green vegetables, fish and other omega-threes, garlic, ginger, and citrus. You don’t have to give in to the whole elderberry craze (though it does taste pretty good). Replace coffee with chaga, a fungal immune booster that you can brew into a strong, soothing tea, for a few weeks.

If you think these dietary recommendations are extreme, consider that you are in a temporary but dire situation where everything else around us is collapsing. Change your eating habits this month, even if it’s just a little for a little while.

3) SLEEP at least 8 hours a night. (I know, I wake up at 4am in a blind panic too. But, still, try.)

4) Make a pot of soup NOW while you are healthy or at the first sign of any symptoms.

This is especially important if you are sheltering in place alone. When/if you get sick, trust me, you won’t have energy to cook. You will barely want to eat anything anyway. But you will force yourself to have two bowls of it every day, and it will help. The pot should be big enough so that you can eat from it for a week. Make your favorite broth-based recipe: chicken, vegetable, or bone. Bone is most healing, obviously. Avoid dairy and noodles because these ingredients increase congestion and inflammation. Freeze it if you don’t have any symptoms at this point, so you will be able to thaw it when you start to feel oogy.

WHEN YOU GET SICK

1) At the first sign of fatigue, a tickle in your throat, aches, or a fever, go to bed and stay there. SLEEP. Don’t try to keep working. Your body needs to heal, and it can do that most effectively when you are sleeping.

Early symptoms reportedly vary. Some have aches and fever, scratchy throat, and chest tightness with a dry cough. Headaches, sneezing + nasal congestion, shortness of breath, nausea, and diarrhea have all been reported. I woke up on Mar 14 with a headache, body aches, congestion, and a fever of 101. My fever spiked to 102.5 on Day 2, and I’ve had a fever of 100+ every day since along with body aches, nasal congestion (my nose opened up like an actual running faucet on day 5), chest tightness and upper respiratory congestion, exhaustion, lack of appetite, and some lower GI distress (though not full-on diarrhea, everything just felt labored and different and, sincere apologies for the vivid image I’m about to put in your head, my poop seemed to be covered in a gauzy cloud). The two aberrations from most commonly reported symptoms: I have only had a negligible cough, and I never had a sore throat. My baseline temp leading up to getting sick was 99, but I am usually a straight-up 98.6 kind of person.

I had a dinner party the Monday before I got sick, and a friend who helped me in the kitchen came down with the same thing at the same time. My friend has asthma and has had a much harder time of things. But we are both on the road to recovery, in large part because we have been sharing what we’ve learned, checking in with each other, and doing some intense jobs taking care of ourselves while in isolation. (No one else from the dinner party has gotten sick to date.)

2) DRINK WATER, every 15 minutes when you are awake. Every time you wake up or roll over, drink. It should be room temperature, not cold. Cold liquids exacerbate the illness.

3) Drink WARM liquids like herbal tea and broth. Hot liquids keep everything in your system moving. Make soothing, healing, and warming remedies out of whatever inexpensive supplies you already have available.

4) In the giant void of an antiviral treatment that works on COVID-19, I have turned/returned to plant medicine, and it has helped me a lot.

My cousin, who is taking a Chinese medicine course in Singapore right now, sent me directions on how to make a ginger and licorice root decoction that was used throughout China during the Hubei lockdown. It’s easy to make. You bake the licorice in molasses, and then you boil the licorice root and the ginger for an hour. The ginger licorice decoction has really helped my friend who also got sick at the same time I did.

Making tea from Chaga – an Alaskan mushroom – has been so incredibly helpful. I’ve made a large pot of it every day, reserving the chaga and re-steeping over and over again for the past two weeks. Was it the chaga or the fact that I was drinking a gallon of warm soothing liquid daily, ladling out a mugful every couple of hours, that helped me get better? I’ll go with a little of both.

Other natural antiviral immune boosters that might help include vitamin C, C60, and olive leaf extract, oregano oil, and Manuka honey. Since stores are closed and Amazon has stopped shipping, we have to make do with what we already have. Make a tea with citrus peels and cloves and sliced ginger, if that’s is in your fridge.

5) The word on the street is to manage fever with Tylenol or acetaminophen or paracetamol, which are supposed to be more suited to treating respiratory illness than other alternatives. Frankly, I have been taking acetaminophen as sparingly as possible to avoid putting strain on my other organs. Cool compresses work too.

Some people are saying NOT to take Advil and its generic ibuprofen, as they have anecdotally said to propel otherwise healthy people to hospitals for oxygen. There is a lot of noise and confusion in this debate, and I’m going to sidestep this thorny conversation for our purposes.

6) Zinc lozenges and elderberry syrup help with a scratchy throat and cough. A friend of mine prone to bronchitis recommended Myrtol, a German cough syrup made from natural ingredients, including elderberry. If you have a pharma protocol in place for managing a persistent, chronic cough, you are probably already on it.

7) The fatigue is real. It also becomes really hard to think clearly. That’s why it’s so important to have soup and tea and other supportive supplies ready ahead of time.8) When you think you are getting better the first three or four times, STAY IN BED.

The arc of this virus is really rollercoaster-y: up and down and up and down. After the initial alarm passes, (and it is alarming at first because you don’t know which way it’s going to go and that seizing up can make everything feel worse), I was able to focus on getting better, calmly. I made it through the first scary fever spikes, but right when I thought I was feeling better, I would get knocked down again. There were critical junctures around days 3, 5, and 7 where I was certain I’d turned a corner, and, well, yesterday.

I’d get up and do dishes, take out the trash, take my dog for a walk around the neighborhood (face covered), and try to get some work done (end of quarter grades were due at both my schools and my departments have been preparing like mad to take our classes online in the spring). Then I would feel hot and light-headed again, taking my temp only to see it had sprung back up to 101.5. You will feel better and want to get back up and do things only to get knocked right back down. The moment I ease up on drinking water and tea constantly, I start to feel horrible again.

Remember: YOU ARE ESSENTIALLY PREVENTING YOURSELF FROM DEVELOPING FULL-BLOWN VIRAL PNEUMONIA. I would say the new mantra needs to be SLEEP + DRINK WATER. Start now, to the extent that you can. Please resist the urge to get up and do things. Rest. Do your Zoom meetings from bed with a virtual office background, if you absolutely have to be on a call. But, truly, you shouldn’t because this is the time to sleep sleep sleep and binge watch The Good Place (my choice for existential dystopian laughs/insert whatever makes your socks go up and down). For the past few days, my temp has been normal in the morning only to spring back up to 100+ if I try to do too much (e.g. read: ANYTHING). When I let myself sleep, my temp goes back down.

9) A humidifier has helped. Some recommend running a hot shower and sitting in your own makeshift bathroom sauna. Steam eucalyptus or rosemary, if you have any, and inhale deeply. I just made a homemade vaporub with a base of coconut oil and a few drops each of clove, thyme, rosemary, and peppermint oil. It is wonderful.

10) My breathing never got dangerously shallow. But this virus can potentially fill your upper and lower respiratory tracts with mucous until you feel like you are drowning. A physical therapist wrote with life-saving advice about the importance of Postural Draining, a method of draining mucous from the lungs using gravity and percussion. It involves physically moving your body so that you tilt your lungs and bronchial tubes upside down and then firmly clap the back or chest. This allows the mucous to flow up out of the lungs along with deep, prolonged exhales. Then you can cough it the rest of the way out. You can do postural draining alone or have someone perform it on you. Google postural draining diagrams – there are different for positions for each of the five lobes of your lungs. Do these exercises for 3-5 minutes a day before you get too sick. You can get into position in a chair or laying over a yoga ball, bean bag, or pillows for support.

Failing steps 1-10, if you have difficulty breathing or your temperature spikes beyond what you and your doctor are comfortable with (I’ve heard different numbers), please go to the ER immediately. Some of you will develop dramatic and dangerous symptoms quickly. Please do not wait to seek care if your lungs are struggling beyond what you can manage at home. My advice is geared to keeping as many of us comfortable for as long as it takes to heal, but that obviously is only going to go so far for those who suffer from chronic conditions, are older, or are immunosuppressed. If you have a finger oximeter, and are able to monitor your oxygen levels numerically, then you will know when you have to go to the hospital. But very few of us have those, and they are way sold out.

THE OTHER SIDE

Healing from even a mild case (and mine IS mild) takes about two weeks to a month.

As my dad would day, take it easy. It is unclear how immunity works with COVID-19. Some have said that there was a patient in Japan who tested positive a second time. There is speculation that this, in fact, was a relapse and not re-infection. We need more time to learn about the virus. In the meantime, please give yourselves time to heal.

We don’t know how long immunity lasts, and we don’t know about immunity to slightly different mutated strains even if we have recovered from one of them. I do hope that we get to develop a fair amount of herd immunity in the next year, but, again, there is a lot to learn. We will obviously still need to protect our vulnerable populations, and our society will continue to bend and contort itself around the virus.

But I hope to be in a position to assist when others get sick. I will happily help you to the best of my abilities. Looking to a future I can hardly conceive at the moment, I anticipate learning more about plant medicine. Scientists will develop new antivirals, retrovirals, and vaccines. I look forward to donating plasma as part of a treatment for those who get sick in the future, whenever that near-distant moment may be.

And thank you, friends. I am good. I have everything I need. My inner circle is incredible (I love you, mom!). I have been quarantined since developing symptoms and went out for a half hour only to get tested (thank you, Howard Brown for your invaluable service). No one else I spent time with beforehand has gotten sick (except my one friend whose illness coincided with mine, and they are also struggling a bit today with the ups and downs. Please hold them in your thoughts).

May you and your loved ones stay healthy. Or, more to the point, may we all get well and stay well. Sending love to all corners.– Rachel Herman

#QUARANZINE #Rachel Herman #Public Collectors #Marc Fischer #Zines #RISO #Publications #covid-19 #coronavirus

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