#then maybe i could live a life of peace
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how to look at your brother number ???/???
#they just KEEP DOING IT#guys i WISH we were crazy and delusional for shipping wincest#i wish there wasn't 15 seasons of evidence#then maybe i could live a life of peace#but there will never be peace bc they KEEP LOOKING AT EACH OTHER#LIKE THEY WANT TO EAT EACH OTHER OR CRAWL INTO EACH OTHERS SKIN#i love it so much they're so unwell ab each other <3#how to look at your brother#emma rewatches spn#1x15 the benders#spn#wincest#samdean
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#tumblr polls#polls#Sorry if the wording is weird. I thought ''be considered X where I live'' would make the most sense since 'tallness' or etc. is sort of#subjective to the people around you or your specific culture/area/etc. And if I just said ''I'm tall'' or ''I'm short'' then#the response might be 'well how do I define whether I'm tall or not?'' or etc. But then most people could probably look#at the people around them in daily life they interact with and compare based on that to get a more literal idea or something#..ANYWAY.. lol.. as usual just thought of some random thing and was like.. hrmm... i wonder what the most common#feeling about that would be.#personally I'm not even short but I just want to be really really tall... like... 7 feet tall or something. In a fantasy world type of way#of course. so like a super tall elf creature. More realistically I suppose you get health problems past a certain point#so maybe I'd be happy with 6'2“ or so.#Absolutely no hate towards people with this preference but I've always had trouble understanding the idea of wanting to be shorter#so you're Small And Cute or this and that. or whatever the base reason is. I suppose I would understand it from a surivval prespective#maybe you want to be able to hide in your environment easier and blend into a crowd. I personally would like people to be inspired to run#away from me when they see me though gjhbj#In an average grocery store or something just a normal day but then some 8 foot tall wizard man walks in and so everyone#kind of backs away slowly = yaaay I get the aisle all to myself and can shop for my produce in peace.#(except for the fact that there's a subsection of people who would intepret it as spectacle and would run towards instead of away#and pull out their dumbass phones to film Weird Thing Happening. in which case. spell of 'phone melts into molten plastic in your hands#stop filming strangers in public without their consent' be cast upon ye. )
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I write fragile on a dozen boxes salvaged from recycling I forgot to take out before I knew I was moving and my hand shakes even more each time. The lines bleed off the box corners and into me. I'm fragile, you see.
#poem#poetry#spilled ink#spilled thoughts#long story short i have made choices in my life such that my only option when i hit this present juncture#was to move home and i am not handling the lack of choice well#in my first year living here especially i bought beautiful fragile things because i love beautiful fragile things and because i thought#i was on the path that my next move would be my last one. i was going to buy a home and that would be it and i'd only need to pack up#my whole life once more and so i could justify the vintage vases and such. but the past couple of years have been brutal on me#and i've made choices that i stand by and choices that i don't and now i'm moving home and it's less than ideal but i'll make it work#perhaps this is short story long#anyway. before i first moved in my roommate texted me from home depot because she and her boyfriend were at home depot#and i was at work at the time. and she wanted to know what color i wanted my room because they were gonna paint my room that day#and i didn't have time to make a decision and she's an artist with a great eye so i sent her my pinterest decor board and said maybe a gree#like this kind of green? and she got this gorgeous green reminiscent of a paris green that looks amazing with all my art on the walls#but i just had to take the art down. i'm in the middle of the task actually. and now it's just this big green expanse#and i'm not feeling so good about leaving this place#but the way i felt so safe and so loved when i got that text and when i got here and saw that the room was painted bc they wanted me to sta#the past few years have been not so good in a lot of ways like i said but this place was an island of peace for me when things were rough#anyway. fragile. thanks for listening
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Magnificent Century Rewatch: One Picspam per Episode
Episode 17: The Double Joy
-My dear mother used to say "walk barefoot on earth and it shall take away all your troubles and sorrows, earth shall give you happiness and joy"
-Your mother spoke well, one can only find peace in earth. But I'm not sure if it is on earth or in it.
#the quote is a little bit silly but it adquires seriousness when you know everything that comes later#especially because it's hurrem's mother's quote from when she lived in ruthenia. when peace was possible. when she was going to marry leo#and had her future all planned. and there was stability#but the joke is suleyman's. after all becoming part of his family is what brings that ambiguity to the quote for hurrem's story#as it could be argued she never found true peace. at least for the most of her life#but also suleyman speaks in general terms here. so the quote can be extended to all the characters and in this episode of double joy it's#even more significant. because peace it's going to go sooner than later. and the signals of future ibratice problems are already there#and just as the birds are partly symbolic of that temporal peace and joy in love for hurrem the gifts the marriage gets are very important#as well#this episode is just gifts gifts gifts all around#suleyman's necklace for hatice has the tulips of the dynasty and it's something ibrahim himself recognizes could never give her#she says she's always going to have it w her. tho i don't remember seeing it too much in her tbh sdfy#in the other side ibrahim gets a lot of gifts. but the one that reminds him of his origin is his father's ofc. and he says he will always#have it with him as well. and later he gets suleyman's ring [i'm w haticehurrem. this totally looks like a subrahim wedding asfg]#which goes to remind us that he's now officially part of his family as well. he returned but he converted again. and THEN there's the table!#and taking away the politic alliance it could signify. it is venetian. his mother's heritage is there. in all the palace. and in the same#episode hurrem mentioned her mother's saying. the dynasty [or at least the most conservative side represented by ayse] it's unconfortable#the converts are not only winning more power and getting closer to the family. but they're also bringing their cultures & traditions to the#*ba dum tss* table#there's more to the whole return/convert and how it shows in the ibratice palace especially later w the statues but if i ever write about it#it deserves a post of its own ofc [and prolly someone that knows what they're talking about more than me lmao]#noo why did i write so much 😭 i should've done a separate post this is a mess to be under an already long picspam#anyways there's other significant gifts as the clock that musti likes or mahi's lucky charm for selim. and also the ones we already knew:#the ibratice gifts together 💝. and these contrast a lot with the rest because it's something of their own. when the couple was separated#from dynastic or even ibro's family. will they ever find peace again? we'll see it in the next episode [i'm lying]#maybe i should organize this in a post of its own#magnificent century#muhtesem yuzyil#mc1picspam4episode
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doing figure drawing studies because i know thats what i should be doing right now but also ive been in a very insane deranged state for the past 2 months that leaves me like this whenever i look at a man for too long
#talkys#im gonna say some more stuff here which is i dont think its ever going to happen for me which is like#it should be fine right...i dont think im even meant to be in a relationship it sounds exhausting and like another#constant neverending performance...#but its like that one post...''im happy by myself but also where's the love of my life''#ykwim...i wish i could at least make an informed decision#but that would also be tragic as it'd require me to go thru more heartbreak so i could know for certain#is it better to do it or not do it at all...#anyway ive also been having a hard time putting this into words#but. i like my alone time! i can live with myself. + nothing will ever beat the peace and romance in my brain#but. it also feels so weird to think this way. in the sense of like. yeah. you're only thinking this way because you Have To.#because that's your reality. other ppl don't have to think this way because they are capable of finding love.#other people dont have to reaffirm themself of this in the wake of not ever being desired and valued....#does that make sense...? it feels really weird.#like of course u have to like being alone and spending time with yourself. you have no other choice lol. you lost.#and also... idk. idealized romances in my brain better than anything maybe i would like to be held just once by another living human being.#🌺
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How about an AU where Isaac decides to leave the castle too and helps Hector escape? 😏
It's so hard to imagine because an Isaac who chooses anyone over his Lord is no longer Isaac... 🥺
Maybe he didn't do it out of morality like Hector. Maybe he really felt more loved by his friend than by Dracula. It's really hard to imagine, again, but maybe in this AU Hector made him realize that their Lord doesn't care about them and Isaac deserves better than being the eternal second best and if you allow me to be on my shit on main what if isaac was appalled by the brand of dehumanizing favoritism dracula showed hector because his big bro instincts activated
I want to think Isaac would have a more solid plan than Hector's "step 1: run. step 2: die" fhdjkfhdskjhfkj. He seems to be the better of the two at thinking ahead. I think that first thing first he'd try to crash to Julia's, especially if the two were still in touch (Julia knew about Isaac's feelings for Hector, somehow). From there, I think he would like to live nearby, in a remote place because Devil Forgemaster, but even if they're unable to return to human society, at least they have each other :3
... I bet this was something Hector hoped for, in canon, if only Isaac didn't love his Lord more than himself.
#castlevania#akumajou dracula#hector castlevania#isaac laforeze#isaactor#i like to imagine hector honestly fantasized about he and isaac going to live by themselves in the countryside#but he was afraid of even joking about it because he didn't know how isaac would react#hector gives me the impression of enjoying the quiet domestic life#isaac... not so much. i think he needs strong emotions lol#but maybe he too could have found some peace if cv3 never happened
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#realistically I do not have to explain myself#but since that has been bothering me for a few days now#and because I slept like pure ass last night#maybe it’ll be nice to let some of it go#in short - no the absence has not brought peace here but it seems I can’t assume the same for you#what everyone fails to remember is you only see what I want you to see here on the internet#you don’t get to feel what I feel or felt for so long#I was in a bad space for a really long time after all that#and when I reconnected with an old friend - she helped me#in ways I could never tell her#because I can’t tell anyone about that#I clung onto her hard#I had to do everything with her and have her by me nearly all the time#she was a moment of silence for me she made me feel lighter again#and I won’t ever regret that#no she didn’t replace anyone#but I think she was sent back to me for many reasons and also a lesson in the end#and it sucks to not have her here again#even to this day - many years later now - it haunts me#but it’s something I’m better at pushing down#sure there’s days when I come here and post nonsense but better than keeping it inside#its never meant to be malicious#I’m sure you can understand that#I will always love you#and I will always want nothing but the best for you#jealous I can’t be apart of your life anymore and that’s my downfall#but I want you to be happy so be it and live your life as you need to#and I’ll do the same
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Still thinking about how all three of them went with a sense of peace.... In a way....
#sua dies saying she found a heavenly place#Ivan prolongs Till's life and is bittersweetly okay with dying for him believing he won't suffer ss mich as Mizi did for Sua#Till dies seeing Mizi one last time. He dies in her arms knowing she's still alive for now#they all found something to live for while in anakt. two of them died for that reason#and till died in her arms getting one of the warmest sends off you could get. the warmest we've seen in all the series#maybe I shouldn't resd that as getting peace at the end but I can't read it any other way at this moment. maybe it's just my hope
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'jiang cheng would like a strong woman' have you considered she would probably not like him
#if a woman who demands to be treated by respect/maturity/communication meets jc it would be over before it begins#if she has a low tolerance for being yelled at mocked etc. etc. well you can see how short it'll be. even personalized gifts he failed at#he has so much to work on. the only exception is if she likes hot messes I guess and she doesn't mind being yelled at#OR if she wanted to study him like a bug. if she truly sweeps in take control of LP and starts issuing orders#AND likes jc for whatever reason. maybe THAT could work. but it HAS to be a good reason it cannot be 🥺🥺🥺 he had a sad life#or thinks his inability to communicate is sexy or whatever. man idk. I feel like any woman with the independence to choose#would see the red flags immediately and gtfo. as a sect leader he has so much authority. his wife wld possibly bein a rly dangerous positio#actually we have canonical evidence. hi wq. in a lifetime of being legendary your refusal to marry this guy#even tho it meant you'd die a starving enemy of the state is up there as one of the best <3 rest in peace#and yes living a short happy life with wn and granny and a-yuan and wwx and her family#WAS more gratifying and better for her than a long and probably miserable life being jc's obligation wife while he awkwardly does his best#to be a good husband. and fails. because I mean. he needs help and a wife is not gonna fix him. also her family and wwx are dead :/#however our girl made her choice and was spared that fate love and light rest in peace#not that she made it for herself like we know she did it for her family. but I imagine she was like WHEW dodged a bullet there#cql txp
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guys i am slash gen so happy for grefgor and i am actually ELATED that arthur looks weird now
#my post#the suckening spoilers#I COULD NOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME FIGURE OUT HOW TO DRAW ARTHUR#BUT A CREATURE?? A KINDA FUCKED UP LOOKING GUY??? I CAN DO THAT!!!!!#he is 1000 times more beautiful to me#like from shrek and he is fiona#and grefgor........ i am so happy for him. having a life outside of serving his princes#WHEN HE TOLD THEM NO. THAT THEY COULD NOT FEED OFF OF HAZEL#ARE WE SKIPPING OVER THAT. THATS SO IMPORTANT HE TOLD THEM *NO*#yknow i think he loves her so much bcus shes so like. 'yeah. whatever.' yknow??#shes not telling him what to do or what to think. shes barely doing that for herself tbh#shes so chill i love hazel#um i mean proposing after less than a month of knowing eachother is kinda crazy and she also does NOT know hes a vampire and i feel like#they should maybe work that out first. but im sooooo happy i was kinda thinking hedve just spent the month standing there waiting for them#to come back. or hed be dead. but hes LIVING HIS LIFE :DDD#also seeing people upset that shilo x grefgor isnt gonna be canon ToT GIRL SHILOS ARO????#LIKE?? AT EDWARD TWILIGHTS HOUSE W THE LEVEL 1 BLOOD BOND? GRIZZLY WAS LIKE 'OH CMON NO ROMANTIC FEELINGS AT ALL' AND BIZLY WENT 'NO HES NO#REALLY CAPABLE OF THAT'#LIKE ITS CANON <3 PEACE AND LOVE AND LIGHT <333#THIS IS ALL I HAD TO SAY GOODBYE
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January 2025 moodboard
#if only I could become rich and move out of the us or something somehow.. please overseas followers let me come live in your basement#much in the same fashion as some wealthy family in some novel set in the 1800s or something who has a decrepit hermit cousin#that they allow to live on their grand estate just because they feel sorry for them and they mostly keep to themselves and never cause#any issue or anything. Like 'oh thats just Cousin Edmind. you may see him wandering the halls. dont mind him. he doesnt come out#of his quarters very much. dear papa has taken pity on his frail soul and pallid complexion..' so on and so forth#(just joking) (mostly) (...unless)#Really I just nEED to get my game done. I feel like even if everything implodes and I perish in a gutter of some preventable disease#that I was never aware of because the cdc has been dismantled and masks have been banned and my healthcare has been removed then#at LEAST if I can get my game and my worldbulilding videos all done then it will be like.. well okay at least I got the ideas out there.#Then maybe 50 years later some random person will find them and be like ooooh this is cool and then make a movie of it or something#and the concepts shall live on in some manner. so on and so forth. Of course the ideal is I have a long peaceful career of creating sculpt#ures and games and short story anthologies and tee hee and rainbows and so on but.. The statistical likelihood of that grows slimmer#I fear due to the world around me and my existing position within it. Unless i become randomly wealthy for some inexplicable reason#(not that money fixes everything. but it does give you an escape plan and a cushion for hardship. If your house is destroyed due to#ever worsening climate change and you're poor then.. welp. thats it pretty much. no hope. If your house is destroyed due to ever worsening#climate change but you have a decent amount of money then. okay. maybe you can rebuild. you can regain some security and stability#back in your life much faster and be back to a point of stasis and development. You're obviously#not invincible still BUT you can take more blows with a less strenuous recovery time. at least generally speaking)#ANYWAY.. huzzah. such a good time to be immune compromised and severely mentally ill. The#modern world is made for people like me to succeed!! :3#*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
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Euripides,Grief Lessons: Four Plays by Euripides, tr. Anne Carson
Anna Akhmatova, Poem Without A Hero and Selected Poems, tr. Lenore Mayhew & William Mcnaughton
John Berger, A Seventh Man
Li Qingzhao, “Tune: Pertridge Sky,” tr. Jiaosheng Wang.//.
#uploads#imjustsittinghere#poetry#originally collected by whetstonegirl#kathryn us core... saw the orignal post n thought of u but there were too many these r my favs#also ryan messaged my friends discord last night to say he just woke up from a dream where him and some other friends#had bought the apartment above me and connors place so we all lived in the same house#theres a staircase that connects my unit to the one above mine and he said we smashed out the wall that blocks it so we all lived together#thats sweet... <3#he said his car got towed the first night we all slept there lol#idea of people dreaming about living with me is so....#remember writing in a journal years ago that i wished all me and my friends could live together in a giant house and then id be at peace#realistically that would be maybe too insane but in my dreams.....yeah#life is so <3
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#. but then again#maybe its worth it to burn through whatever 'health' and strengh i have left in me#probably with a lot of caffeine and aderall involced#and come out on the other side of it when they all pass away absolutely fucked up but at least at peace that i did what i could#maybe however fucked up my body and however exhausted and mush my brain will be after that#i could live w that more than regrets and feelings of failure and unpaid debts for the rest of my life
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i ✨️cannot sleep✨️ and vaguing about shit on the internet feels more cathartic than writing it out somewhere else. suffer.
#im having. thoughts. on one hand. VERY badly want woods and chicken farm.#on the other hand. i do actually like friends?#and the likelihood of making friends as a queer person in a small town is uh. yknow. not as good.#but idk if its important enough to me to put my life on hold indefinitely to create more ties to an area that ill eventually have to leave#if i ever want a chance at supporting myself financially or buying a tiny lil starter house?#ideal situation is i start a gay commune with like minded friends. but uh. people have not been good to me#on the whole 'trust em with your plans' front#sigh. idk. id love to be able to afford a place thats still in the general area but that is never going to happen#unless i can spontaneously manifest /literally/ a million dollars#i am done with romantic relationships i think. if one happens at some point? cool. but i am not basing my life plans around it.#and will not sacrifice my own peace and wellbeing just for the sake of one#god. looking for queer friends who want to live on a farm with me platnically and we all have our own space but#also raise animals together and hang out sometimes. and dogs are a requirement.#i just! want! queer commune! where i can go back to my own little bubble and have my own space too!#aaaaahhhhh!!!! albertas real estate is starting to look real good right about now!#ugh. u g h. i fluctuate wildly between 'im very VERY content not speaking to a human for a week at a time' and 'platonic life partner. pls.#maybe i just....take a page out of 18 yr old me's ballsy ass handbook. and uproot my entire life to move somewhere completely new#where i know no one have no connections and in a completely different climate 😎 it worked out last time#i could so just fuck off somewhere. oh my god it is so tempting.
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Sucks to know you’ll always miss a person in particular ways. It’s not at all crumbling. Just a “damn” - one some mornings, or nights. A part of you (even in a deep hibernational slumber, even after years) will yearn to have them close(r) to your heart and enjoy life with them. Happy to say it’s not a constant feeling, fuck, I couldn’t do that. It’s in the small, unexpected, subconscious moments.
Little thunder bolts hitting the floor on a clear day.
I thought it was an exaggeration so for years I called myself an unfair judge. But fuck, energy doesn’t lie. And you wish you didn’t feel this way. I am not one who seeks out these sort of situations, I’m too relaxed to stir the seas of my calm life in these ways. And I can’t put my finger on it what it is. But you gotta make peace with the here and now, with the life that’s yours, before you. And you gotta continue sailing in your own waterway. That’s what I’m doing, it’s a matter of letting what doesn’t belong here go (and keeping what does). Still, my heart misses you sometimes so much it feels like its chambers will cave in on itself realizing there’s not a single person who’ll ever come close. And I’m trying to find ways now to be okay with that for my remaining life.
#gonna delete later i think#just a thing off my chest since i've made peace again and it led to new insights#sometimes i just wonder how to live with the things we suppress. or things that could never see full bloom -#things that would had been so right for you. maybe wouldn't provide the necessary life lessons.. but what's wrong w joy lol#personal
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#i just like‚ don’t want to do anythin anmore lol#im so tired and have no sense of time i never know what day it is or what time it is i feel so lost#maybe i’ll just rot away in my room#i need to cry but the tears never come i always cry when i dont want to#let me fucking cry argrhrhggg#rotting away in my room forever probably gonna spiral but its fine i whatever i have water so peace and love i guess#im just so deeply sad and i’ve been just unhealthily scrolling on social media i need to stop instagram is so stupid for making reels#never going on instagram reels actually just say no#ugh im literally so sad and dont want to do anything i keep seeing nature and its just so beautiful and i think about a life i could have#i think and think about it and want to cry because it’s the most ideal life i could ever hope for but its just a silly fantasy#i know i’ll never actually have a life i want#i just want to live in a cottage and paint and be good at it and go for morning walks when the sun rises and afternoon walks when its rains#and pick flowers and go home and make soup and have a nice room to get all comfy and why am i even saying this lol#with the way the worlds turning out with everything unfortunately revolving around money i’ll never have an ideal life#it just feels like my whole life is just crumbling down around me#anyways im like totally fine by the way im literally so silly all of the time
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