#then i will simply stop functioning. im scared

[technicalknockout]

which The character are you thinking of

take a guess (it's tko. it's literally always tko and im so unwell about that)

[angiethewitch]

So, I'm also mentally ill, and I really don't understand why you think it violates your personal rights for you to be held accountable for taking the medication that keeps you stable, safe, and functional.

Do you think you should be allowed to act inappropriately because of your illness? Do you think you should be allowed to possibly hurt yourself and others? Do you have delusions about the healthcare system or medication? Do you dislike being stable or lucid? Like, why do you think that it's okay to neglect your mental health conditions and make people around you feel concerned or scared for your safety? Do you think that people shouldn't take meds in general, or just you?

Personally I enjoy being stable and healthy and I don't understand why you want to put yourself and others through distress. It seems like internalized ableism mixed with self harm tbh. I hope you get better someday and learn to love yourself when you're stable instead of hiding in your psychosis and hurting yourself and others.

it's actually ableist to come and assume that I'm violent and unsafe simply because im schizophrenic. ive been off my antipsychotics for nearly 2 years now, under the supervision of my doctor and psychologist, I have no such delusions about the healthcare system - once again, it is ableist for you to say a schizophrenic MUST be delusional for not wanting to go on medication. it is ableist for you to assume I MUST be a danger to myself or others because I am schizophrenic. it is ableist of you to come in here and be so fucking condescending, explaining things to the obviously insane schizophrenic. it is ableist of you to say I MUST not be stable or lucid. it is ableist of you to say I MUST be acting inappropriately. bro im just in fucking work. it is ableist of you to say i MUST be neglecting my mental health when I'm not on medication when I thought it was widely understood that medication is not the only answer.

I am not in distress and I do not cause distress. you've completely misunderstood my stance, just because medication works for you does not mean it works for everyone. my stance is that it violates bodily autonomy to force medication down my throat or strap me down and inject me with medication I did not consent to taking. either you did not understand that or you don't care, and you think people with mental illnesses should be stripped of their autonomy.

absolutely nobody is scared for my safety. I was discharged from the psychosis intervention services with my psychologist saying he feels incredibly positive about my recovery. I am a supervisor in charge of a team of people in my work and im on my way to a management position. for the record, I may still have periods of instability, but therapy and learning healthy coping mechanisms has been far more helpful than 5 years of a medication that gave me amnesia. and the medication didn't even stop the symptoms, they just put me in a chemical straitjacket.

how dare you come in to my inbox and spew ableism and assume things about me. get off my blog.

[desire-mona]

siiiigh. todd autism headcanons because im projecting.

(using they/he/she pronouns for todd in this post. will explain but also if u dont agree i dont care, tw for alcoholism. time period is vague but autism hasnt existed as a legitimate medical diagnosis for all that long, so keep it in mind i guess.)

- cannot for the life of him stand welton's blankets. so itchy, just thin enough to not warm you up enough but still make you sweat, not long enough to cover your entire body. yes im making the blanket line in their poem about actual blankets, a boy needs to vent somewhere.

- beyond terrible temperature regulation, ALWAYS just a little too hot which is made worse by her sensory issues when it comes to wet fabric. constant slight agony and it never really goes away. theyre about 5 minutes away from crying about how uncomfortable they are at all times.

- had god awful handwriting until high school, like his teachers could BARELY read his handwriting it was Bad. OOOOOH OH MY GOD THERES A TRAIN GOING BY I CAN HEAR IT HONKING this is a really ironic thing to be pointing out rn but its sooooo worth mentioning. its still honking this is fun. 🚂. anyway. her parents made her spend an entire summer fixing her handwriting bc that was like the One thing her teachers criticised. its Fine now but their motor function simply doesn't deliver in the handwriting department.

- had a VERY INTENSE special interest in aquatic life + marine biology growing up, like read every book about any ocean animal in any library intense. his parents eventually forced him to abandon it because its "not a good career focus" but he still perks up when anyone mentions fish. once talked neils ear off about the biodiversity of coral reefs for roughly 2 hours, neil took her to an aquarium for their first date. rip todd anderson you wouldve loved spongebob squarepants.

- looooves pets, namely cats, but they have Too Sweaty hands all the time so any animal fur sticks onto their hands and just feels. so awful.

- had a brief period in his 20s where he was definitely an alcoholic, started as a social drinker but got too addicted to the feeling of not having to adhere to social conventions quite as hard, especially around other drunk ppl. eventually went sober after they realised they just Cant Stand the feeling of a hangover anymore. autistic ppl r more likely to develop a dependency on alcohol if we do start drinking. just btw.

- gets a Pretty Expansive vocabulary after actually starting to pursue literature. sometimes his family lightly teases him about using big words but it confuses the hell out of him. its just a word she thought would apply best!!

- soooooo obsessed with what other ppls idea of them is, both in an anxious way and out of genuine curiosity. would never ask ppl what they think of her bc she thinks thats 1) very broad 2) seems compliment fish-y and 3) just gonna lead to "i think ur great/ nice/ whatever filler compliment." but the dream is to sit someone (neil) down and just ask him every single question possible about how he perceives him.

- asks a billion clarifying questions about anything someone asks him to do, gets anxious about how many questions he's asking, tries to just figure it out, freaks out about the possibility of getting it wrong, ends up doing the thing perfectly. weekly occurrence.

- never fully grasped the appeal of religion (most definitely grew up catholic or christian or Something) just bc she could NOT let the lack of proof go. ALSO not an atheist bc the vastness of space scares them out of it. religious beliefs r a weird topic for them.

- suppresses a good chunk of his stims in public bc One total time someone looked at him weird while he was chewing on a sweatshirt string and he was like i gotta stop NOW. eventually develops tics and has to mask THOSE in public too. dear god someone let this girl unmask. also i started ticcing while writing that bc my body does this great thing where i only tic when im reminded of the concept of ticcing. its great and totally doesnt make me think im faking them (faking for who? dunno bc it usually happens when im alone)

- DOES in fact stim around neil bc NEIL STIMS TOO!!!!!!!! joyous day when they found THAT out! gets vocal stims of random lines from whatever play neil is practicing for. YEAA ART THOU THEEEEREE was a vocal stim for a solid week and a half which made neil VERY excited (autistic neil. how i love u autistic anderperry)

- velcro is The most evil vile disgusting material to ever grace this mortal realm. he hates it more than anything ever and i mean that fully. the feeling of BOTH sides, the noise, how easily it comes apart, she hates it all.

this is the gender part

never really viewed gender and gender roles as anything to adhere to beyond the fear of punishment if they dont. finds any social convention relating to gender to be Really dumb and meaningless, bc gender isn't (scientifically) real in any capacity, so why treat it like that? for the longest time just shrugged and said "eh, i guess im a boy" bc thats what she was used to being told, and didn't feel particularly drawn to agree OR disagree. eventually realised on a late night that Wait. i dont Actually care what i am. like yeah im a Male i guess but also im just me. my brain doesnt have a gender and i basically am my brain, right? and then never really thought about it again because that's genuinely how little he cares. adhering the most to canon with that mindset, she never really tells anyone (for obvious reasons on top of the overall apathy) and just lets the he/him happen to her but. in my dream world? agender they/he/she todd anderson. and this is MY blog so those are the pronouns im using from now on. i will forever love talking abt how autistic ppl very often view gender differently than allistic ppl, will forever love talking abt how autistic ppl are more likely to be trans. autism!!!

also yes that entire paragraph is just my view of gender, change the pronouns and the todd mentions and its just me. what of it.

[ludinusdaleth]

while people have many mixed thoughts about the off-kilter dynamics of the bells hells, i think it provides a very fascinating dichotomy.

from the beginning, ludinus has sowed mistrust in exandria. he grooms the dwendal line to despise every other country and seek isolationism above all else. he attempted to ensure chaos in jrusar so that it would be too difficult for them to react quickly to the bloody bridge. he banks on vasselheim refusing to take the aid or advice of the grim verity to take out both - the verity one by one, and vasselheim in a massive sweep at the key. but he also is known far and wide as a master negotiator. he helps negotiate the peace between wynandir & xhorhas (after war that he sparked - by working with the xhorhasian wizard essek). he keeps the peace between assembly members - hell, the fact he even managed to recreate the cerberus assembly, and created tentative peace between the empire & mages, is a feat in itself. he knows when to put his pride away and accept help. his very first spoken line is loudly agreeing with beau, a cobalt soul member, over the rest of his war council, and he (almost) humbly asks yudala for the cobalt souls aid, and before the nein ask a thing of him personally he ensures the cobalt soul cannot find yasha as guilty for obann's crimes - and absolutely, those actions are connected. he does everything to ensure he wins but he does it with grace, to the point he - avid god despiser who seeks to kill them all - sees fjords wildmother amulet.... points it out cheekily, and never reports it.

the bells, bless their hearts, they try, but they have barely any trust in them. they were already people utterly traumatized by betrayal before yu betrayed them, before fcg was revealed to be wired as a killer, before everything. they have tried to patch things and can communicate at this point but it is obvious even now they lack two very fundamental things - the internalization of the fact that ludinus is counting on discord to win, and most importantly, the ability to wholly agree on a set plan to a set goal. ludinus races with liliana to predathos with the understanding that he, liliana, & otohan are a team that must work as effectively as possible for a goal they collectively believe in. the bells have that loosely - stop ludinus. but the very road to getting there is rocky beyond belief. imogen is pressured by orym to dig into predathos's psyche just as she realizes she's scared of it, just as orym is losing himself to the soldier psyche, and laudna stares him down as she argues. they believe the end goal of their trust is to simply tell the others they're about to do something dangerous when hardly any of them can process they dont have to be cannon fodder. i am aware of the fact we dont have full vanguard context here, but often i think of otohan jeering at zathuda, an archfey, as she wholeheartedly sides with ludinus over him when the elf isnt even there, contrasted with orym pulling fearne aside to ask her to kill imogen if they need to.

ludinus has seen the rise & fall of so much. im sure he witnessed the selfishness of wizards like the somnovem or perhaps the original cerberus assembly. he took it as a lesson, and that is why he is at the top of the world while vess & trent & thousands of others faltered. the bells cannot often take their trauma and turn it into a healthy understanding. they are literal children in age compared to ludinus but many have a kind of arrested development as well due to their trauma, and it becomes more cruelly obvious the longer their quest continues. the difference between ludinus & the bells functionality is so staggering it is one of the most fascinating parts of c3 to me.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

hi,

is it possible to orgasm just from your hands/fingers? every time i try it doesn’t feel like anything.. as if im trying to tickle myself. i don’t want to get a vibrator ‘cause im scared ill become reliant on it :( sometimes i feel bad cause people my age are making themselves finish. i think im broken. any tips will help.. thank u

hi anon,

in my heart of hearts I have to assume you already know the answer to the first question. humans have been jacking it for longer than we've even been humans, because even monkey brains know that touch genital feel good. there's evidence to suggest that human fetuses may begin touching their genitals for fun in utero, and tons of animals also masturbate - even these cute little guys!

and you know his rodent ass doesn't have a vibrator.

all of which is to say that the urge to crank it is a powerful and ancient one, and I simply can't believe that you believe that nobody was actually managing to nut until the vibrator was invented in the late 19th century (although that was, admittedly, hardly the first sex toy; there are dildos that are thousands of years old that can attest to that). I suspect the question really bothering you here isn't whether a hands-only orgasm is possible (obviously yes), but whether there's something wrong with you for not having been able to achieve such a thing.

the answer to that is obviously no; I can happily confirm right off the bat that you're not broken on the basis of your sexual function because that's not how that works. there's no singular mode of human sexuality that's the "normal" one that people should be afraid to stray too far away from; what's "normal" varies from person to person, frequently from day to day. what matters isn't being like other people, it's ensuring that you feel safe and comfortable in your own specific relationship with sex.

it seems that you're not at the moment, because of this orgasm insecurity, so I want to talk about that. first off: if your hands aren't cutting it, why not get a vibrator? you say you're scared of becoming reliant on it, but what's the alternative? never coming ever? bullshit. my brain chemistry doesn't naturally balance itself out very well, so I'm reliant on lexapro to be a functional fucking person. that shit's great. being reliant on things that categorically and harmlessly improves your quality of life rules, everybody should do it.

listen, man. everyone has different sexual needs. for some people, it's the intensity and consistency that can only be provided by a battery-powered assistant. I cannot tell you how many people have come to me expressing despair that they can't finish with a partner without also using a sex toy, as if that's not a totally fine thing to need or want. just use a vibrator it's literally fine it does not matter. we're all living on a melting rock ruled by capitalism, just use a vibrator if you want to and if your partner has a problem with it find a better partner.

also. hey. look at me. listen to me. an orgasm does not need to be the single defining factor of whether you're having a good and healthy sexual experience. go read this. I know you're not orgasming when you masturbate, but are you, like, enjoying yourself? does it feel good? because that's really the only thing that matters, and I want you to keep that in mind no matter what you decide to do next in your sexual journey. the point is to have fun, not to reliably produce an orgasm like clockwork.

anyway. you're not broken. get a vibrator if you want; I recommend this one for beginners. stop comparing yourself to others and be kind to yourself.

[edens-notesfromthegarden]

v1/zadkiel || gore :D (wip)

inspired by this post by @8o8o8o8o8

the aches could no longer go ignored.

zadkiel could feel it all, poking and prodding and digging into the deepest parts of himself that he was too scared to reach into. everything he had bottled up over the past few centuries, threatening to rip him apart from the inside out.

the last time he had ever unearthed those emotions was before he left heaven. too much now laid festering inside him, and he had to remove it.

zadkiel couldn't dare ask the prime souls to aid him; the work that needed to be done was far to visceral to expose them to it. gabriel was assuredly also out of the question, knowing many of the things trapped inside were brought about because of him.

which only left one.

they had taken v1 to a bathing pool in limbo, and brought along a basket, plastic mat and sharp blade. it watched them curiously as they set the items up, not moving from their place on the mat.

"so... angels have an odd function," zadkiel began explaining as he finished preparations. they sat down in front of v1, holding the knife in their hands. "we were made to serve diligently and without hesitation. humans would lose faith in us otherwise. in turn, we were told by Him that we cannot show strong emotions, lest we scare or deter those who believe in Him. Doing so does not come without its consequences, however."

unlike his usual methods, zadkiel disrobed himself properly instead of simply willing it away with his staff. the clutch on the knife grew tighter.

"in turn, these strong emotions, these thoughts that plagued the back of our minds... they physically manifest inside of us. they can take on many shapes, but its usually recommended to... clean them out, every so often, as to void the feelings quite literally killing you."

v1 silently looked down at the knife, and back to zadkiel. the angel took a deep, shuddering breath.

"v, i haven't done this in... far too long, and i'll need your help to properly clean myself of these feelings."

zadkiel pressed the knife into v1's hands, as if it had burnt their own to hold. v1 looked between the knife and the angel, before finally understanding what zadkiel was asking of it.

'you want me to...' its hand lingered for a moment, considering how to word its question. '...open you up?'

"quite literally, yes."

v1 quickly shook its head. 'no. i could hurt you.'

zadkiel scoffed quietly, "no worse than you do to gabe when you fight, right?"

'programming may hurt you. i do not want to hurt you.'

zadkiel sighed, a wobble to their lip. "v, please... i couldnt bear to ask minos and sisyphus, and i just... i just know gabriel will be the source of many of the objects you find. i couldnt bear to him to see how i felt about him while i was gone." he took v1's hands gently. "you're my best option... and im too scared to do it myself... i'm so sorry."

they both stared at each other silently, waiting for an answer. v1 could feel the shake in the angel's hands, see the tears welling behind their eyes: they were just as scared.

'you will stop me if i go too far. promise?'

zadkiel let out a pained sob, pulling v1 into a hug. "thank you. i'm so sorry. i will make up for this however you want, i promise."

zadkiel parted, laying himself down on the mat. v1 shifted themselves, hovering over the angel's body with the knife at hand.

'preferred cut?' it signed, slowly lowering the knife to zadkiel's chest

the angel took a deep breath. "i don't recall what humans would call the surgery type, or if it even was a type but... double door? directly through the middle and out the sides. you'll need access to all of it."

he smiled up at v1, tears in his eyes, and took the hand that held the knife, making it press the sharp blade against his skin. v1's wings flickered in agitation and concern, but zadkiel tried to soothe it by rubbing its other hand with a gentle touch.

"i'll be okay, i promise." zadkiel whispered, tone laced in anxiety. "angels are made to be resilient, y'know? i'll be right."

v1 could only quietly nod, and carefully press the blade into the skin.

[wizardfrog69]

The last one was nice but im tokophobic *phobia of pregnancies* so i was wondering can you do a preg reader AU where reader doesn't want a baby but is scared to tell sigma but he's very understanding and supportive of whatever reader wants. Reader doesn't mind being a parent and adipting but is terrified of pregnancies

Pregnancies are fucking terrifying like how are some people alive and functioning after having like ten kids? I would die literally I would be dead. Thanks for the request!

'•.¸♡ I'm scared ♡¸.•'

Sigma x gn!reader (afab)

Fluff

Cw: abortion will be mentioned so do whatever you want.

Masterlist

Enjoy!

A week has gone by and you hadn't even realised that you were late. Upon remembering you were meant to have your period but it never came you started freaking out, what if you were pregnant?

You were terrified of the thought of being pregnant, all the pain you would have to go through and what if something happened to you or the potential thing inside of you, it was terrifying. You decided to get a pregnancy test just incase, hoping you were wrong and you were late simply because your body hates you (lovingly).

After taking it and seeing the results you were completely devastated and petrified, you were pregnant. You could help but to break out into a cry.

You were on your bed hugging a slightly damp pillow while your eyes felt sore when you heard the bedroom door opening, you haven't even heard the front door open due to your sobs. 'Is everything okay my dear?' Sigma was worried about you wanted to check in on you. You knew he dreamed of having a family and his presence was a reminder of that and the fact you were pregnant which caused you to cry once again.

Sigma sat down next to you and rubbed your back until you stopped crying. 'What's wrong?' Sigma stretched out his arms to you so you could hug him. 'It's just that I'm scared... I'm scared of What's inside of me.' You voice was still a bit shaky but you tried to sound composed. 'What do you mean?' He held you in his arms while talking to you softly. 'I'm... I'm pregnant Sigma.' In a swift motion Sigma looked at you surprised but then kissed your forehead lightly to reassure you that everything was going to be okay.

'If you don't want to have it you don't have it, it's all up to you, I just want you to be happy.' Sigma's voice was calming as he looked into your eyes with a reassuring smile. You felt safe in the moment, as if you could tell him anything and he would never get mad at you. 'I don't know what I want to do, I don't want to be pregnant but I don't mind having a child, i would love for you to be a father it's just that it's scary to be pregnant, so many horrible things could happen to me or it and I don't want that it's horrifying.' You admit, your voice still a bit shaky from crying and fear.

After thinking for a while you've decided to sleep on it and make a final decision the next day.

༺♡༻ 𓍊𓋼𓍊𓋼𓍊 𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧 ⋆ 𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧 𓍊𓋼𓍊𓋼𓍊 ༺♡༻

Have a wonderful day/night and don't forget to take care of yourself as much as you can! :)

-Az the little wizard frog!

[forlorn-crows]

hey! i'm really not a writer but i have to take a class on it next year and i'm really scared by it, so i'm trying to get opinions and whatnot from people who do write. (that's why you might see this ask in a lot of authors' inboxes heh) i'm wondering if there's anything that helps you get in the mood to write, if there's anything that causes/makes worse a writer's block, if you find it easier to write when given a prompt or if you prefer to make things up completely, if you prefer writing a story or more of an essay, how long does it take you to finish something and how do you know it's finished? and i know a lot of these could be answered with "it depends" but please avoid saying that if you can! thank you for helping me!

there's two perspectives i have here: one is writing in the context of college courses, and two is writing for pleasure.

when i wrote essays in college, i would always need a quiet place to go, or a place where conversations wouldn't be distracting. the 3rd floor of the library. a study cubby. starbucks at 4pm. but i would ALWAYS have instrumental music in my headphones. lofi. writing music playlists on youtube. classical. whatever made me feel 'scholarly' and didn't have words. that was my go to. and i think doing that same routine, getting my little drinks and always AFTER i had eaten was key to at least having some semblance of motivation to get my shit done. cause i had to write a LOT. all the time. different lengths of things too; 500 words to full length papers.

with school, the motivation was "i have to get it done by x date". and im a perfectionist, so it took me a looooong time to write the hard stuff. especially since i had to research as well. loooong time to gather sources before i actually did any writing, loooong time sorting and culling those sources, looooong time stringing them together to make them 'perfect'. i self inflict a lot of struggle, but thats how my brain functions to get the outcomes i did (and the grades I did).

I did do some creative writing in college, mostly poetry. for that, there were certainly deadlines motivating me, but the projects got my creative side flowing a bit more. often times, i would have to stop to jot something down while i was going about my day, because i knew i would forget it later. but, a lot of the same things can be said about my college creative writing; i slaved over the things until they were perfect, until they finally looked 'right' to me. and that takes a lot of time, personally. i hated procrastinating but sometimes you really do write better under pressure.

in school, i needed clear cut prompts/requirements for my long form work. i couldn't function without them, because i always outlined like crazy. it helped organize and cull my crazy thoughts.

now, with personal writing (which i 99% fanfiction currently), it can be hit or miss. sometimes, i need someone else's ideas to get me going. other times, im plagued by horny visions during work and i have to jot them down in my phone until i can write them out later. and sometimes i lose motivation by then, which sucks.

sometimes, it takes me a long time to finish stories. whether that be due to length, or simply because i took my time writing it little by little. I can crank out a full length fic in 2 days if im really feeling it, or it make take an entire week to write 1k words. it just depends on how into writing and into the idea i am.

lately, i have to go with whatever sparks my interest in order to write. i find its no fun to try and force yourself to write for pleasure, bc it just becomes a chore then. writing as a hobby is supposed to be fun, it is not supposed to consume you (wise words that crow does not follow a lot of times).

my advice for school is to keep track of your deadlines. start earlier than you need to for big projects, especially if you have an idea you really want to role with. dont be afraid to brainstorm with your teachers, they're your resource for stuff like that. they can help steer you in the right direction if you're stuck. carve out time to write and double down on it. take breaks when you need to, of course, but try to stay on task whenever possible.

my advice for personal writing is DO NOT FORCE IT. if you get inspired by something, and feel the need to write, and you can write at that moment, do it. those words will come like no other. second best thing is to write it down to visit later. i also think its important to remember you do not have to write every idea you ever think of, even if its a really good idea! its okay to have ideas that you dont do anything with.

overall advice, dont feel like you have to edit as you go. if you're unsure of your skills as a writer, just get down the ideas onto paper. thats the first step. write it how you might tell a story to a friend. all the fancy word choice and formatting can be done later. and know that you dont have to be the most seasoned writer to be a good writer. skills take time to develop. and the class may be boring at times. but its to help you learn, so dont fret! its okay to be scared at first.

let me know if you have any other questions, i have a lot under my belt, believe me!

[gudakko]

head full many thoughts

got bored at work so i decided to once again explore the scale of my lack of a social life and it's honestly something amazing every time like objectively i mean

it's something so thorough and coordinated it almost feels orchestrated when it's all completely unintentional

i can't even point my finger at a one specific thing i could chalk it up to because it feels like a perfect collaboration like the stars aligned for it all to happen in the exact way it did, it honestly could be seen as a massive feat that i just can't take credit for even if i wanted

i somehow managed to go a full 24 years without managing to form a single relationship with a physical person and it's mindblowing

sure it just started as lamenting never having gotten to hold hands or kiss someone but it's so much more, it's never having had people to hang out with or like, genuinely physically talk to

[that last one im still reminded of every time im forced to talk to someone for work or whatever im simply not used to talking for more than a couple minutes so my voice just starts sounding weird and my throat easily gets tired]

it didn't help either that i never got to form an emotional attachment to my family so i couldn't even get a taste of that from any of them so it all just left me feeling.. stranded? im genuinely surprised none of this devolved into solipsism cause i could perfectly see that happen with these circumstances

it's not something i worried much about in the past but now that im realizing it it's hard not to think about it and be amazed at how i even got to the point of being functionally a neet with no irl contacts whatsoever

not having experienced close human contact all my life i thought at some point id just stop caring for it but instead i still crave it! yet at the same time it's such an unknown to me that it makes it equally frightening which still makes me pretty torn up about it

do i just resign or do i pursue it? both prospects scare me

if anything while i thought this absolute isolation could mess with my ability to feel certain things it doesn't seem it did, i still like people very much, love them even

i think still being able to feel love is the most reassuring one of all, i can still fall in love a little everyday with random passerbys, someone just being nice to me for no reason and friends, and im happy i can do all of that

i also get depressed, excited, disappointed etc. like other people so i know we're not that different and compatibility shouldn't be an impossibility but at the same time i look at them and feel like something fundamental is missing or just different and that makes me feel like ill never really get to touch them

i don't even know if it's something that can be "fixed" at this stage which just leaves me feeling like im going thru the motions at all times

im not really feeling sad about this right now it's just that lately i can't help but see Everyone go about their life doing things that should be basic common experiences so effortlessly and just wonder how the hell are they doing them like it's the weirdest thing ever to me when it's just

everyday life for people

i know i missed out on so so much already and it doesn't feel fair to say i want all of it now but i also know ill just keep missing out on things at this rate and i just kind of wish i didnt care for them but i do knowing i can't do them

im not a big fan of this pervasive alienation and if i could do everything all over id rather be absolutely clueless about everything but at least living a normal life

[jackals-ships]

with The Horrors Anniversary approaching i am thinking. many thinks. head full etc

(talking about abuse under the cut, nothing Explicit but like. yanno. head full)

ive been chewing on my ships a lot bc that's like How I Process Things and my only bit of Good advice i ever received from my therapist was "use media to work through the fuck shit that happened to you bc it's Removed from you" and anyways

a common thing when you're abused, especially young and growing up With It (or if it's from someone you loved desperately) is missing it. no ever rlly talks about that part because it's not palpable and also it's fucked up. (which like. noooooo fucking shit. it's not like I'm ✨unaware✨ of that fact and im suddenly gonna go "oh shit ur right" and it'll magically stop but god i wish it did. i feel so guilty for feeling it)

(in the same vein though victims often wish it was worse. it's almost fascinating that even ones who had it 'worse' than me still talk about wishing theirs was worse. we're all holding hands in a "what the fuck even are stupid ass brains" club)

and it's so. i could ramble on about the psychology of it all day, the way the nervous system will be overworked to the point that feelings of safety will translate into feelings of danger because you are constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop (sometimes. you beg for the other shoe to drop. sometimes you say terrible things to people to make them lash out because that's what you deserve. because it's familiar and it's safe and then you feel so horrible for making them do that to you. rinse and repeat. until you learn to stop on your own except sometimes you slip up and the gentleness is worse than the arguing and the gentleness makes you furious and)

and im just. squeezing my ships like squeaky toys. so many of them are power fantasties. so many are "I'm stronger than you, you can't hurt me because I'm stronger than you and better and no one is going to hurt me again I'm never going to be scared again"(and if I am that's okay because I bounce back. jackals is simply Built Different)

but. man. i had the thought bc I was thinking about nuada the other day. and realized How Many Ships also are being taken and subsequently cared for by A Horrible Little Rat Man. and it's like

sometimes you just feel so guilty. for the crime of existing. but if someone who's worse than you loves you it evens out. because their sins out weight your own and therefore you can't taint them by existing near them and because no matter how awful they are in general you're aware they're not going to raise hands or voice to you because you're special you're their little guy !! who would hurt their little guy??? (no one if they want to keep their hands or heads attached)

and also sometimes you're just puppy. and you feel a little less like you were made to be A Functional Person and more meant to make heart eyes at someone and look cute and be fussed over for the littlest things and if you sometimes get teary eyed thinking too hard about it that is between you and god !!

[obsoleteozymandias]

HIIIIIII, I'm xi and my pronouns are she/they and I'm open to anyone and everyone for a stardew/marvel matchup<<33

I'm 5'3 I have browny-gingery straight hair, and I'm Asian. I like football, motorsports, Taylor Swift, maisie peters, kpop, makeup and shopping<33

i'm dyslexic. my current obsession is the brown sugar summer fridays. my favorite f1 team is Redbull and my favourite football team is the bills or the Eagles.

I'm allergic to too much UV exposure so I'm addicted to sunscreen. I play piano and guitar but I have still rlly small hands. I swim and used to do tennis and karate. I love math, especially functions.

I'm an introvert but still very loud and outgoing, I DONT have a filter (like at all), which i a bit iffy cuz I have a doctorate in yappology and a master's in not shutting up. my mbti is istp and I can come off as a bitch or kinda mean until u know me.

i've been told by a lot of people that I'm rlly funny but i just like to use humor so no one takes things too seriously cuz im scared of messing up.

I'm an only child and I do admit I do kinda get what I want but I try to not ask for stuff cuz I i know ill get it.

tyyyyyyy<<<33333

👍

== Stardew Valley ==>

I match you up with…

Abigail

She thinks you’re the baddest b in town. 

Your interests and lack of shits given result in her idolizing you in a way. She wants to live the life you’re living, but also wants you, period. 

If you ever do her makeup, she will be absolutely thrilled. She’s done it on her own a few times, but when you get close to her face and gently apply some eyeshadow or foundation, she’s a blushing but contented mess. 

Also, when you show her any karate you can do, she’s so impressed that she starts asking you to teach her. 

As a couple, you two are a menace to society. Pierre is none too thrilled about your shared rebellious streak, but he can see that deep down you and his daughter care for one another, and that’s all he can ask for. 

Once Abigail gets to know you, her opinions don’t change at all. Regardless of your fears of messing up or your tendency to talk a lot, she loves all of that, and she’s a massive fan of every part of you. 

== Marvel ==>

I match you up with…

Sam Wilson

Sam isn’t intimidated by your attitude, by which I mean he isn’t afraid of getting close to you. He’s the first one to get past your supposed meanness and realize that you’re just a very passionate and outspoken person. 

Even if you two have clashing teams, watching football with him is always a fun time, and you two spend the entire game bickering affecitonately. 

He often asks you to spar with him hand-to-hand, and regardless of how the match ends, he’s always flustered by your abilities, and just a smimdge more in love with you than he was before. 

He laughs wholeheartedly at your jokes, but can also tell when you’re insecure or covering up. When he sees that in you, he doesn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around you and tell you that it’s alright. Maybe give you some kisses for extra reassurance. 

He’s surprisingly a big fan of your talkative nature. He enjoys late evenings where you talk and he can simply be himself a listen. You’ll catch him staring at you lovingly mid-tirade, stopping you in your tracks and flustering you to no end.

[alltheshityoulike]

I’ve just gotta get it off my chest somewhere

I’m afraid. Im afraid to let anyone love me. I feel selfish to let anyone. People think I am good. I let myself think I’m good. And then I remember how fucking complicated and twisted I am. I’m so fucked I’m so fucked I’m so so fucked up and everyone says “wow you’ve overcome so much!!!!”

But no matter how fucking hard I try no matter how many years I pour into healing, I cannot undo what has been done. It won’t go away. I can’t even touch it, I can’t just wrap my fingers around it and rip it out of myself. I can’t heal around it. It infects every part of me it touches. I could have been so much in this world. I could have been so happy. I could have been what everyone thinks I am. Believes I can be. But they can’t see the knots in my soul. The holes in my brain, the voids I literally cannot visit because the pain is too devastating for this body to endure.

So I live as a husk. Cursed with this depth, this abyss that I fall infinitely into, but can never experience. Just let me feel it God please. Let me scream. Let me shake and lose my fucking brain and mourn. I never got to scream. Let me just get it over with so I can live please.

I can’t even fuck without the reminder than I am physically damaged. My brain has been battered and electrocuted, shattered by these atrocities against me, to the point of splitting apart. And I can’t touch it! I have no fucking control! I have no say. I try so desperately to believe in myself. And look now! My body can finally climax!!! The relief of my body functioning like a normal persons is enough to bring tears to my eyes.

But wait, there are tears in my eyes? Stop stop stop fuck we took it too far. God I just wanted to be normal, I wanted to feel good like everyone else gets to. And now I’m heaving. My body shakes and I exist inside of it powerless while it reacts to the sensation. My body retches and trembles uncontrollably and hyperventilates and tears pour out of my face with no pace. And they look at me, with this fear in their eyes. Because they didn’t understand I was broken. And just like that, they know. I beg “I’m okay I promise, I’m so sorry. This happens sometimes.”

Don’t look at me don’t look at me don’t touch me please hold me don’t let go don’t touch me don’t be scared don’t fucking touch me please don’t let go

How can I burden anyone with this? How can I allow anyone to expose themselves to this poison that’s been injected into my body? It’s traumatizing for them. I’m selfish for letting them love me. I promise I fucking promise I never meant to hurt anyone. I fucking promise. But to love me is to hurt. To know me is to hurt. But how do I live? How can I live when every connection I make is tainted with either the lie of them thinking I’m not sick, or the gruesome truth of what I’ve been reduced to? How can I keep myself hidden away waiting for the day these wounds close? But how can I live without the acceptance that my soul just fucking aches for?

Since I was three I was molested, conditioned, trained, tortured. I’m a fucking crumpled corpse stuffed into this ugly skin and forced to smile and “believe” in myself. Believe in love.

Tiffany is cursed with knowing what I am. She’ll live with the indescribable image of my complexity forever. My infinite love and infinite trauma. She’ll gasp and heave and try to explain it but nobody will understand. There are no words that can capture the layers and dimensions of my soul. She must live alone with that now and it kills me that I’ve given her that. I’ve done that to her. And that is why her laying hands on me will still never outweigh the sheer magnitude of the devastation of simply knowing me.

I want to believe that this progress I’ve made will actually make a difference one day, that I’ll be released from these shackles that rot me. I want to believe if I stick to it and keep trying that the things that have happened to me will get processed, filtered out of my flesh and soul. I want to believe it. I won’t give up. I won’t end my life. I refuse. Just please, God, please take this from me. I can’t live with this twisted vortex inside of me forever. Pull the daggers out from my soul and let me bleed. Please take this from me.

[enderwoah]

ORIGINS SMP HEADCANONS (because i love them): SEASON TWO EDITION BAYBEEE

(this is really long ENJOY :gun:)

tommy

he is phil's son smile

phil's most recent son at least

he's got like one more somewhere

he picked this one up off the dangerous streets a few years ago and he's been sticking with phil ever since

his wings are small- not too small to fly, but they're untrained to the point where it would take a lot or work to get him off the ground

but at first, he didn't really seem to want to learn all that much?

(he has three scars on his face- all from trying to learn how to fly when he was younger)

(he gave up after the third one)

("if at first you don't succeed; try, try again" is his motto, and he tried all three times)

but!! phil and wilbur are very persuasive :) and now that he knows he can fly, he's not going to rest until he does

he's a little manipulative to get what he wants sometimes, but can you blame someone that lived on the street for so long?

he had to do that to survive! it's not his fault.

(it's a great excuse.)

he laughs like a kookaburra amen

he squawks when he gets scared

he chirps. he tries not to because it makes phil go absolutely bird-brained but he does sometimes and he hates it.

tubbo

NOW'S YOUR CHANCE TO BE A B[GUNSHOTS]

god he is. so fucking annoying (/rp)

he simply does not know when to stop

he ignores social cues to see when someone is annoyed

(see: he can read social cues. he does read social cues. when you get annoyed that's when he starts being more annoying, because you're more likely to give him what he wants to get him to shut the fuck up.)

he loves talking to (at) people, especially people he doesn't really know that well

so he's trying to be friends with ranboo, but the absolute prick keeps trying to avoid any actual conversations, so that's not working

he buzzes when he gets excited-happy

his fingertips are completely blackened and horrendously sharp, functioning as ten individual stingers

they don't do any actual damage but he's working on that

techno

wither hybrid (??)

how can you be a wither hybrid?? nobody got down and dirty with the wither

he's an experiment

the reason we haven't seen him yet? he's staying away from the main area of the smp

he doesn't want to ruin its natural beauty with his withering effect, so he keeps to himself on the outskirts of the smp

which sucks

withers get health from killing things

he's not fully a wither, so he gets energy from being around people and sort of draining their life force a little bit

he feels terrible when he's with just one person because they are Literally his life support and it makes the person feel like shit

when he's with a big group of people its great!! he only has to take a little bit from everyone and its barely noticable!!

but then there's the wither part. so he has to stay away.

he's always tired

always exhausted

he's a farmer, so taking it from animals works, but god does he miss people

but he can only visit a few times and for very short

(he's afraid that one of these days he'll get so bad that the next time he sees someone he'll accidentally kill them)

(it already happened once. he's blessed that he's been forgiven, even made friends with by the victims, but he doubts he'll be able to pull that off again with no consequences like last time)

wilbur

phantlings are dead elytrians, and given that wilbur was phil's son...he's a phantling

he died in the late 50s and was a librarian when he was alive, so he's very possessive (ha) over all of his things

you should never ask to "borrow" anything from him, he will hound you about it until you give it back

it's best to just say that you want something from him to keep

even if youre going to give it back

just for your own peace of mind

phantlings can feel fear and get a genuine feeling of elation from scaring people

of course, sometimes its unwelcome (feeling large amounts of fear from someone they care about in a bad way just makes them pissed)

but for the most part, wilbur loves appearing in the corner of people's visions just to jumpscare them a few minutes later

all in good fun, of course!! it's just hilarious :)

being the lighthearted, fun guy he is, he's not particularly secretive about his method of death

"how did i die? well, it all started -- ended -- on november 16th, 1958!"

"i walked out of the library late, since i took the shift for my wife since she was feeling sick and i worked there anyways,"

"the streets were dark and only lit up by gaslamps...and out of an alley...appeared..........."

techno.

he didn't mean it. wilbur isn't at all mad at him (anymore)

he was starving. he didn't know that one touch would be enough to fully revitalize him...

and murder wilbur where he stood.

sneeg

has details on everyone on the server

you Cannot Hide Shit From Sneeg

its impossible

if you find of his any shittly little mouse holes then you're doomed

you find one and there are twenty more

he's under your floorboards while you're having your important discussion about trapping the nether roof

sucks to suck ig??

he seems to be the favourite of many, which is weird since he rarely goes out of his way to actually talk to many people

he's the only person that tubbo doesn't actively try to annoy (or maybe he just doesn't find tubbo's antics all that annoying)

he's the only person that ranboo stays around (or maybe he stays around ranboo- he and Phil seem to be the only ones not off-put by his slightly sadistic and whiny demeanour (not counting tubbo, who annoys him anyways)

phil seems to be more protective of him than he thinks is normal (he lets sneeg ride on his shoulder while travelling, so he doesn't really complain)

niki is completely protective over him (again, not complaining)

contrary to popular believe, he does not get high from sugar

if anything he gets

high-per

(get it)

(high-per)

(hyper)

he's literally just a nine-year old getting a sugar rush leave him alone

phil

take the normal "bird-brain" headcanons and multiply it by like sixty-four

and you've got origins phil

he can't see glass- or, rather, he can, but it doesn't register that 'hey, this is a solid surface i am going to slam into'

its very funny for everyone else but he's pretty sure he has permanent brain damage from the blunt force trauma

if there is ANYONE on the server who dares to chirp, bird or no, they must understand that they are signing away their privacy and giving phil the right to go absolutely bonkers over them momma bird style

(shoutout to tommy, wilbur, ranboo, and fundy for having to suffer through this)

"oh??? you don't have wings?? you don't have feathers?? omg?? then what's this im preening?? what do you mean im just braiding your hair?? nono this is preening smile"

god help you if you dare to have wings

poor tommy, wilbur, sneeg, and tubbo

phil can't help himself alright

do you think he wants to be any sort of protective over sneegsnag?

no!! but he cant stop himself!! sneeg might damage his wings if he keeps flying those super long distances!!! nnnno! carry the bug man!!!

it's weird, he's always had that protective sense over ranboo, too

but ranboo very obviously doesn't have wings, so he doesn't get it...

ranboo

yes ur a peasant

yes ur poor

yes im cooler than u

what r u gonna do about it

the enderdragon's son! partially a dragon, partially enderman, partially human (don't ask, his other mom is a hybrid), all spoiled brat!

given that he has a ton of dragon genes, he's extremely possessive over his stuff and Yes He Does Do The Hoarding Thing

he has a pile of rings and gold chains and necklaces and most of his jewellery hidden underneath his bed

(if you ask him, no, he doesn't)

not to wear

just to Have

one time, fundy stole one (1) bracelet from the hoard and ranboo was sent into a panic for a good 24 hours

he wouldn't leave his cave and kept counting and recounting as if that'd make the missing piece reappear

(when fundy had to give it back because of the guilt, he expected to get his face bitten off)

(instead, he just watched as the prince was flooded with relief, telling him to get the hell out and nothing more)

it's weird, he has so much gold and even a crown, and yet here he is

living with all those people ^^^

truth be told, the enderdragon isn't a very nice dragon

nor is she a very kind queen

nor was the other queen

nor was her son

there was a mutiny in the end, leading to the dragon queen and her wife being killed brutally by the crowd of angered people

they went after their son next, who had ordered executions and worked servants to the bone just as much as they had

they cut off his wings in the middle of the square

he was sure he was going to die until a random person (a peasant) jumped up and yelled at them for publicly torturing a child

but ranboo didn't really catch all of it, given he was delirious from pain

he got to get some stuff quickly and escape with his life

this wasn't too long ago, either, so he's still trying to...adjust...to people talking rudely to him

(he's also trying to adjust to not having wings)

(hence why he hurls himself off the edges of cliffs and then has to teleport to the bottom instead of glide. he keeps forgetting.)

[cowboyjen68]

Hi jen! 20 something masc bisexual who just cant figure out if theyre a man or a woman here. I dont really feel comfortable talking about this stuff but writing anonymously is a lot less daunting and you seem like a really chill person and such a good mom. When i was youger, around 16, i cut my hair short and dressed less conventional (stopped wearing what my mom put out for me lol), bc i wanted to express myself. I didnt get the "mens" haircut i wanted originally, but i made up for it with flannels and hoodies. Slowly, occasionally, people started to ask me my sex/gender and when someone read me as male i was over the moon. By the time i was 18 i had stopped wearing makeup and tried hard to pass as male. It became pretty exhausting and my bestfriend is a very feminine guy, who usually gets read as a woman, inspired me to care less what people think i am. Im trying to take things as they come but with my mullet (thick long hair in the back) i noticed people read me as female more often than not. Its not insulting, but i cant help but feel disappointed. It felt so right when people read me as male. Im considering transitioning but i hate the idea of coming out to my family (as trans) and im scared of "being wrong about all this and screwing my body up", even thougt I like the prospect of the physical changes testosterone brings. All in all, I feel like ive been stuck in this undecided period for so long and something needs to change.

Im grateful for any words of advice :)

I am so sorry for the delay, my seasonal side jobs keep me very busy. I owe you some sincerity here because you asked and trust me to give you the truth, at least as I see it.

Of course I cannot in anyway see inside you or know the mix of emotions you have or the complex amount of experiences you have had in your 20 something life. When someone is struggling with hard questions being “PC” does no one any favors so here is my best take, but ultimately you know what is best and perhaps a therapist that will not just be a "yes" person would be very helpful.

Firstly, if you decide to transition for whatever reason, comfort, ease of experiencing the world etc, there is no rule that says you have to do anything at all to alter your body. You can be who you are within yourself. I am a lesbian and a woman whether or not some stranger on the street thinks so. (and the amount of time I am called "sir" in one day changes absolutely zero about me). Same applies to you. If you are concerned about medical or hormonal intervention you are not wrong to have caution. Anytime we take any medication from a blood pressure pill to nasal spray, doing due diligence and understanding the affects on our body is important. And each of us must take into consideration body health, genetics, dr suggestions, past medical history and the reality of what time, money and effort we are capable of exerting, especially if it means for a life time 

That all being said short hair, clothes, your interests and personality are not (should not) be gendered. There is no reason a woman can’t be and exist as a female who is not always thrilled with her body (looks and function) and be a human who loves doing a myriad of things that may or may not fit what society prescribes as our gender roles.  

You say you are disappointed when read as female? Why?  Do you dislike that they are not seeing the real you OR because you know being read as such means, in our culture, you are seen as less capable, treated differently, perceived as weak, not as smart as men and treated as the lesser of our society simply based on your body?  Either way, this is a them problem and not a you problem. You are as flawed, strong, smart, confident as you are no matter how they see you. It is not up to them to decide how human you get to be based on what sex you are. No one fits all the general attributes imposed gender roles wish for us to follow. 

Ask yourself, if I transition and am still consistently read as female, how will that affect me?  Will I become angry because I am putting time, effort and money into presentation and people still see what they see?  Am I going to feel better able to shrug off mistakes make by quick glances or because people have known me for years because I am more true to me?  Transition should happen in a vacuum, in my opinion. (disclaimer: I am not trans so perhaps this is not how trans men feel) You are who you are whether in a crowd of people or alone in a forest. Others should never make that decision or set the bar for you. EVER. They have no investment in your internal self. 

Since you are asking me, this is my experience. In my early years i understood very quickly how I was treated differently when people (men and women) saw me as a little boy instead of a little girl. In my teens I saw the way girls who hit puberty before me were immediately treated sexually, will less respect and I was like” well shit”.  I would have happily been seen as a boy/man and probably went to length to insure that. At 12 I was pretty confident I wanted to be or should have been a boy. My mom very colorfully explained to me there are issues with both sides and am a girl who wants what boys get in the world.. sooo get them as a girl.  THEN I met other lesbians and butches and bi women who are masculine and they told me their stories.. which were just like mine. I realized to be a man I had to give up being a woman and being a woman, my reality, physically and in my upbringing (in the 1980′s and 1990″) was the best and only way to connect to other people because I was not different with them or alone. I needed to be me 24/7 not just in public, not just at parties, not just with friends, but when I was alone, at night or mowing the yard. Perception and societal opinion had nothing to do with my body, my mind, my personality. 

Am I still affected by gender roles? Of course. Our society genders everything from pocket knives (camo or pink camo) to cars, abilities to shampoo! Do i sometimes let it slide when a man thinks he is talking to another man, sure.. why not? I learn somethings (some things I don’t want to know on occasion). But at the end of the day, most of the people I deal with begin to see me as a kind, capable women or...(translation: human) and when it counts I don’t want to be vague or dodgy about my sex, my gender or my sexual orientation. Who I am, who I deserved to be, my right to exist as me is too important. None of these were over night revelations. Time, experience, community as all helped me understand:

You have to live with you forever and always, don’t try to exist as the easiest way for society to view you. 

[fanfic-cave]

The Reveal Pt. 2

Rating: SFW/PG-13

Word Count: 1.6k (nearly 1.7k)

Pairing: Hunter x Fem Jedi!OC

Warnings: Swearing (im too lazy to write the star wars swear words so its our kind of swears), trauma/fear situation, lightsaber/jedi things, mushy hug/romance, its supposed to be kinda intense and dramatic

Summary: You’ve exposed yourself as a Jedi to the Bad Batch, and not intentionally. Now its out in the open, and this ex-jedi needs to escape before things get messy. Will these rogue clones attack? Will you have to defend yourself? How will this end without someones blood getting spilled?

Authors note: Check out part 1 linked below, theres links to a few other fics i'd reccomend reading as well along this these! Theres like a tiniest bit of fluff here. I have a few other fluff/short things I want to post soon, and I have some ideas for giving the other TBB memebers some love since all I've been posting is Hunter stuff lately

Please enjoy!

Part 1 here

“Isn’t it obvious? Sera is a Jedi.”

RIP

Tech's words flipped the switch and you took action. You used the force and ripped your lightsaber out of your bag, ignited it, and took a defensive stance.

“Stay back boys” You wish your voice wasn’t shaking. The green glow of your lightsaber reflected on their surprised faces.

“Omega, stay inside.” You heard Hunter's voice, and saw him push her in, her eyes wide when seeing your weapon ignited. Wrecker took a step back, a look of shock on his face. Tech raised his hands. Crosshair eyed you suspiciously, he stood just behind Tech. You couldn’t see Echo.

“Hmm. Looks like I was right.” Tech said nonchalantly, like he had just proved a scientific theory. Well, I guess he did, in a manner of speaking.

You held your lightsaber with two hands, squeezing tight and ready to use it at a moment's notice. You started taking a step back. “Nobody moves. I walk away, and nobody gets hurt-” you sensed something in the force, and heard a minuscule movement, a blaster. You pointed your saber to Echo, who had just appeared at the top exit ramp “Drop it!”

“Easy Sera,” Echo spoke. “We’re all removing our weapons.” He looked at the rest of the boys and nodded. “See?” You watched Echo lift his blaster pistol, careful not to touch the trigger, and throw it. Crosshair dropped his rifle. Wrecker raised his hands up. “You’re a Jedi?” Wreckers face looked shocked and confused.

You tried to ignore the emotions you were feeling. You didn’t want to leave, you had happy times with them. But you were too afraid to take the risk of staying and finding out if you would survive. “I don’t want to hurt any of you” You took another step back. “Just let me go and I won’t…”

“We won’t hurt you Sera.” It was Hunter's voice this time. He stepped forward out of the Havoc, and walked past the boys. His knife and blaster were gone, left on the ship maybe. He held his hands out in front of him, slightly raised. He had a slight crouch as he came towards you, like he was approaching a wounded animal. His expression was hard to read still, but he had a slight frown on his face. You looked into his eyes and couldn’t look away. He held your gaze intensely, like he was trying to send a message to you through his eyes.

“Please,” you said, desperation in your voice. You tried to move your feet. You couldn’t, you were frozen by his look, held by him. You felt the same electric current drawing you to him, keeping you from leaving.

“We don’t have inhibitor chips, not that they worked too well anyways.” He lifted his headband and shifted his hair, pointing to a small scar. The rest of the boys did so similarly, showing they all had an identical scar on the right side of their skull.

You looked at them confused. Inhibitor chips? All you knew was that the clones executed the Jedi. Every Jedi. You didn’t know how, or even why, other than the Empire saying the Jedi committed treason.

Hunter had been taking small steps forward the whole time. Your eyes stayed locked onto his. Then, you felt something you hadn't in a long time, something you shut out.

You recognized the feeling of the force, it moved through you, awakening your force sensitivity. Maybe you reignited a severed connection by touching your saber again, maybe the strong emotions in you and everyone else caused the resurgence. Whatever the reason, you felt it move through you, connecting you to your surroundings.

After the battles on Umbara, with a lot of effort, you closed yourself off from the force. You realized now that it was never truly gone, and you had still been seeing your surroundings with your instinctual force sensitivity.

You hesitated and broke eye contact from Hunter, shocked at what was happening. You took a breath, and closed your eyes. You concentrated on the force, focusing on the feelings you felt now. Fear, love, sadness, anxiety, all of it. You quieted them, and then reached out. You felt a surge of more emotions. Worry. Fear again. But not a selfish fear. They were scared you would leave. You could sense the intentions of each of them, seeing a bit into their mind. You sensed no malice, no intention to take life.

You sensed Hunter step closer. He was maybe a foot away now. He reached out and touched your forearm. You took another deep breath, then opened your eyes, watching him. He reached his hand up to your face slowly, reaching for your mask. You made no movement to stop him, and he slipped it off of you, tossing it aside. Beneath it revealed your face, and he calmly looked into your eyes.

You realized he was trying to reassure you, comfort you. He wasn’t scared of you, despite the legendary weapon you held. You felt more hopeful, now that you saw nobody had tried to attack you. You turned off your lightsaber, never breaking away from his gaze, and dropped the saber to the ground. Everyone relaxed.

“What are inhibitor chips?” You asked. Tech launched into an explanation. The Kaminoans created the clones with chips in their brain, to inhibit the clones' cognitive functions and allow them to follow any order. Theirs were not functioning, save for Crosshair. Crosshairs face darkened as he mentioned this, he looked like he would rather avoid the memories all together. They retrieved him from the empire and removed all their chips.

The clones were forced to kill the Jedi. Thinking about it left a bitter taste in your mouth. The clones would’ve stood by the Jedi, their commanders, generals, and friends. The Jedi only wanted to protect the Republic. They were forced to murder them. They were all tricked.

But, the bad batch… your friends. You sighed. You’re safe. You don’t have to leave. “So none of you feel an overwhelming urge to execute me for holding a lightsaber? Or making a 40ft jump?”

“More like 45 feet, and no. We never were known for being rule followers.” Hunter said. He smiled a bit when he said it, and watched you process his words. You blinked back tears, and a smile spread on your face. You couldn’t believe that you were all going to be okay. A horror you felt sure of was now averted.

You felt the electrical current run through your body again as Hunters hand retreated from your arm. You looked up at him, tears threatening to roll out of your eyes. The current dragged you in. You walked towards Hunter, the heat of the moment sweeping you up. You slammed into him and wrapped your arms around his torso. You squeezed tight, and shut your eyes, tears rolling down. “You’re not going to kill me.” You spoke half laughing, half crying.

You felt his arms wrap around your shoulders, and return the hug, squeezing you back. He was warm. Compared to moments ago feeling terrified of death, the feeling of being hugged and cared for was euphoric.

Hunter pressed his face into your hair, and you felt lips press to top of your head for a brief moment. He bent down a bit and whispered in your ear “Never. You’ve protected us, and we are going to protect you.” A few more tears rolled down as he spoke, and you pressed your face against his chest. He made circles with his thumb on your back, seemingly to comfort you. The world around you just disappeared. It was just you and him. You could feel him take deep breaths, while yours were a bit more shallow and sporadic.

A minute or two passed, and suddenly you heard awkward coughing. You withdrew from the hug, looking to the rest of the boys. Hunters left hand remained on your right shoulder.

You normally might’ve felt embarrassed, but right now you were still just happy to be alive. You faced the rest of the group, feeling a little guilty. “I’m sorry everyone. I really thought you were going to kill me. I didn’t mean to frighten any of you.”

Wrecker laughed. “Don’t worry about it General, we don’t scare easy!” Your eyebrows knit together when he called you General.

“If we really wanted to kill you, it would’ve happened already.” Crosshair said. Hunter looked at him disapprovingly. You just laughed. “Thanks Cross.” He made a short nod, and walked off the ramp.

“To be honest, I’ve suspected it for quite some time. Your reflexes, agility, weapon skill with a blade, and extensive experience with alien culture and language all pointed to you being a Jedi.” You raised an eyebrow at Tech after he spoke.

“How long have you known?” You inquired. “Several months.” He replied. You sighed. “You didn’t tell anyone?” You asked. “No. I thought it was obvious.” He stated simply. He walked past you and typed into his data pad. “See you Sera.” He waved without looking up.

“Echo-“ You called up to him. “Don’t worry about it.” He waved off your apology quickly. You just nodded at him. He walked back into the ship.

You turned to Hunter. “Please don’t start calling me General…” He patted your back. “I’ll talk to them, don’t worry about it.” You breathed out a sigh in relief. You relaxed more and looked at your surroundings for a minute. Your eyes found the horizon and you saw a beautiful sunset beginning. “Thank you, Hunter.” The words escaped your mouth as you watched the sunset.

He squeezed your shoulder, which brought your attention to him. “You can breathe easy now.” The corner of his lips turned up a little. You returned the smile and nodded. He patted your shoulder, and it seemed like he didn’t want to let go. He eventually released your shoulder and walked back to the ship, you assumed it was to go to Omega.

You smiled to yourself as you stood alone. This changes everything. You felt more hopeful than you had in years.

[svnaslove]

post-it notes ♡

characters: sugawara, bokuto

summary: it’s basically just them flirting with their s/o using post-it notes 

(i thought it was cute okay)

genre: fLUFF

warnings: be prepared for just how fluffy this is because it’s so cute omg

You two honestly don’t even know when or how this started, it just,, started?

During classes, in the halls, face to face, it was just you guys’s thing

It didn’t take long for people to notice the cute little thing you guys had going on of passing post-it notes to each other all of the time

EVERYONE thought you were dating, truth is, you both liked each other but were both too scared to confess to the other.

One day you decided to confess but you were really nervous, you didn’t know how you would do this and you didn’t want to ruin your friendship.

But then you decided it was better to confess then to be like this any longer

Suga made you happy and he was your best friend, what could go wrong?

So here you are, holding little heart-shaped post-it notes in your hands that you had just gotten at the convenience store and your cheeks flushed because you had ran all the way there and back to try to make it back in time.

“meet me behind the gym before the game - bug”

Oh yeah, did I mention? You have post-it note codenames for each other

You were bug and he was kit-kat

this is so cute im screaming

the nicknames had come from just random moments

You were bug because your were freaking SHORT and he was kit-kat because one day you brought him one and he got so excited and he had accidently left a little bit of chocolate in the corner of his lips and you didn’t bother to mention it to him until after he had come to sit down from his presentation in front of the whole class KDJFLSDK

“i loved that presentation kit-kat” you smiled slyly at his confused face. “Kit-Kat?” Suga asked a little confused. You reached to the chocolate at the corner of his lips and wiped it off of his lips with your thumb and then licked the chocolate off of your thumb. 

Suga baby was a MESS

Baby was blushing so hard he couldn’t function for the rest of the day

Error 404 suga.exe has stopped functioning

He couldn’t look at you without blushing for a whole week

So here you were, sticking this post-it note to his locker (which you knew he would go to to get his volleyball bag), telling him to meet you behind the gym before his practice game vs. nekoma so you could confess to him how you literally fell head over heels for him

You were twiddling with the bottom of your skirt as you saw Sugawara approach you from a little distance. Maybe telling him to meet you here was mistake? Maybe you should just say that you wanted to wish him good luck on the game? no, you had to tell him, it was to late to back out now and you it was getting harder and harder to hold back your feelings. mama ain’t raise a lil bitch.

Suga held your little heart shaped post-it note with your careful handwriting up and waved it. “I got your note.” he smiled, completely oblivious to what was about to happen. How were you supposed to confess to him when he was being so cute. UGH. 

“i uhm, needed to talk to you suga-kun.” you said twiddling with your fingers now. Sugawara noticed how tense you were and decided to stay quiet and pay attention to what you had to say, he didn’t want to ruin it since it seemed important. 

“you can tell me y/n” a little smile on his face.

“uhm, okay, well, i-, i like you suga, and not just you know, friendship like you, like, like LIKE you.” you stuttered out, feeling your cheeks heat up so much it would be noticeable even if it were dark out. 

Suga walked up to you with a little smirk (he was trying to keep it down i swear he didn’t want to make you freak out more but he couldn’t help it) 

“do you have any more of these post-it notes?” he asked simply. 

“I- what? Uhm yea, i think so.” confused, you took out the pack of heart-shaped stick notes and handed it to him. 

Suga took out a sharpie from his pocket and started writing on it, when he was done he just sticked it to your forehead and walked away. (YOUR FOREHEAD, I KNOW)

You were so confused you thought this wasn’t actually happening. You took the sticky note and read it.

“i like you too dummy - kit-kat”

Your heart JUMPED out of your chest. You blushed again you noticed something was written behind it too.

“wait for me at the entrance to the gym after the game”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Karasuno had won the practice match against Nekoma which had only motivated Nekoma more to practice for a real dumpster match. You laughed at the sight of the captains of both teams trying to be as sportsman like as possible to each other failing miserably because Daichi seemed like he wanted to break out into a dance and Kuroo looked like he was about to cry.

You waited at the entrance, spacing out and looking up at the stars in the sky. Only to be brought back by the familiar voice calling your name. 

“y/nn !” Suga called.

“Hi Suga!” you called back.

He stopped in front of you and blushed.

“Let me walk you home” 

“Okay” you smiled.

The two of you walked together holding pinkies under the starry sky that night and when you two had stopped in front of your house he had given you a kiss in the cheek, making you both blush.

“Good night, y/n”

“Good night, Suga”

lmao it started in the middle of volleyball practice

being one of the managers you had to take notes for the team for their plays etc.. so you had plenty of post-it notes

bokuto was being loud again, like always

“AKAASHI DID YOU SEE THAT, DID YOU SEE THAT AKAASHI”

you just walked up to him and stuck the sticky note right on his forehead

he turned it around and it said

“ssshhh, we saw it bokuto, good job”

bokuto literally stopped functioning because it was so out of nowhere and he wasn’t expecting that

he just stood there for a solid 20 seconds watching you walk away with the sticky note in his hand

akaashi was literally shook “y/n please do that more often just to shut him up”

i don’t know know what it was not even bokuto knows himself but after that he got such a big crush on you

maybe it was the way you got his attention with something so small?

so after that he got his own pair of sticky notes just to mess with you

he would write little notes to make you blush to try to get your attention like you got his, and he would be really sweet in the notes

“you look really pretty today :D “

“thank you for always helping our team :)”

yes, he drew the smiley faces too

and each and everyone of those post-it notes brought a little blush to your cheeks

not short after you ended up getting a crush on bokuto too and you would try to get him flustered with them too

“you’re doing really good today bokuto :)”

“are you a volleyball because i’d hit that ;)”

it’s safe to say that he short-circuited when you gave him that second one and just walked away and in that day, he had never played a practice match like how he did that day because he really wanted to impress you

the team had noticed you guys’s little post-it note thing and thought it was so cute

konoha and sarukui and yukie all had a game where they would watch to see the exchange of the sticky notes and laughed at how your faces would get so red after reading each others sticky notes

bokuto would try his hardest to make sure the post-it note was perfect

he would spend time on every little detail, he wanted his handwriting to be nice and the doodles around it to be perfect so he would be extra attentive to make sure it went the way he wanted and it freaked akaashi out because he had never seen bokuto pay so much attention to anything other than volleyball

no seriously, akaashi was literally freaked (in a good way) because bokuto would be silent for like 5 minutes focusing on his post-it of the day

not long after, you guys started dating and sometimes bokuto would have his arm around you and his hand would slip into the back pocket of your jeans to leave his post-it note there and he liked to watch how your cheeks would get so red, he thought it was so cute

for some reason you guys just forgot to tell the team you two were dating, you guys just thought that they thought you already were?

so uhm, this is how they found out

you were writing on your clipboard, taking notes for the practice getting the next volleyball camp set up for the boys. the team was setting everything up for practice to start and Akaashi was walking up to you to ask a question about the next training camp when OUT OF NOWHERE FREAKING BOKUTO SHOWS UP RUNNING TOWARDS YOU WITH A STICKY NOTE IN HIS HAND HE JUST SLAPS YOUR ASS WITH THE HAND THAT HAS THE STICKY NOTE AND KISSES YOUR CHEEK AND RUNS PAST YOU LIKE IT’S NOTHING. 

Mind you the whole team just saw everything and Akaashi was right there so he not only got a front row seat to the sound you made when Bokuto slapped your ass but he also could read what Bokuto wrote on the post-it note.

Your face was SO red and you reached for the sticky note stuck on your ass.

“your ass looks really good in those pants baby :)”

again with the smiley faces, i know

Akaashi knew that he liked you but he had no idea that you guys were dating so he literally yelled “what the FUCK BOKUTO” and Konoha was about to spike a volleyball at him and Yukie was about to call the police before you could stop them and Bokuto and you had to tell them that you guys were dating😭😭

“ohhh but still, whAT THE FUCK I WAS RIGHT THERE” Akaashi spluttered.

“sorry akaashiiii” bokuto said, his hair going down about to go into emo mode. you kissed him in the cheek and he sprung up with the new found energy and gave you a big hug and you giggled.

“okay! let’s get this practice started!” bokuto yelled and started jogging over to the volleyballs after giving you a little kiss at the top of your head.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Author’s note: hey i hope you guys enjoyed it, this is was my first time doing this style of writing with the bullet points and the multiple characters in one post so i hope it was cute ^^

also im doing requests now so if you guys have any requests for me to write you can ask here :)