#then didnt use it for... over a month? idk the last few weeks have been a blur oops

[terrified-spider]

I got to participate in the Secret Strahd/Santa on the Misthoppers Discord Server! (:

I was lucky enough to draw @irishandrogyne's Caspian! A reincarnation of Alek!

This was super fun to be a part of; Irishandrogyne, I hope you like it! (:

[carmenpeach]

hm okay something thats been on my mind for like over a year now. sometime last year? or maybe closer to almost 2 years(!?) i started taking antipsychotics cause i just couldnt stand the paranoia anymore it had been ruining my life and i just could not function as a person and i was sick of the daily panic attacks. but like i thought "if i dont like how this makes me feel, i can stop and just go back to being crazy" and obviously i wasnt enjoying it- mostly it made me feel really numb to enjoyment and i found that my special interests were just becoming background noise for me at most and it was really hard like i didnt wanna draw or even play games it was like "wake up go to work come home smoke weed go to bed repeat"

and it was like my stuffed animals quit feeling like sentient and started to feel like just objects and it made me feel sick. like my toys had always been alive in a way and then suddenly they werent, but thats definitly not the reason i was so distressed being sane, since i know that special objects are bound to over the years not feel like friends etc etc <- mentally ill whatever. it was like there was a sudden wash of clarity over me and i hated it.

like it was like i was split in two in a way, and this is the part thats hard to explain unless you personally know the feeling. a lot of schizophrenic people have this feeling of like another person/ self residing in the back of the head or spine. and it gives this sense of paranoia, of being over your shoulders or under your skin just beneath you. and until a few years ago i didnt know this was something other people felt sometimes, and it was terrifying just feeling this entity of sorts possessing me in a way. i had felt it ever since i was a kid (maybe 9? for sure became a hard issue by the time i was 12 though so you know. early schizophrenia if not life long) but i never mentioned it to anyone for a variety of reasons, primarily because there was this feeling that if i outwardly acknowledged it, then it would know that i knew about it, and it would get me. whether that was killing me, torturing me, pulling me into another dimension, or taking over my body. and after 2 decades it just became part of my every day life, this thing within me that would always look for an opportunity to torment me in some unknown but inhumane way. and it was just this all consuming feeling, even feeling its thoughts inside my head, and not being sure where i ended and it began, and i accepted it as just a part of me for better or for worse.

and so starting antipychotics, they did their job and i felt "normal" and i was sleeping regularily for the first time in my life (would lay awake for hours and hours ever sinde like idk 3rd grade. 5 hours a night max usually and then that was plagued by nightmares. and of course the constant hallucinations and delusions in the meantime made sleep even harder) and i even felt less of that endless anger inside of me. and i hated it. it was like after being on it for idk maybe 2 weeks or a month or something i just suddenly in the day felt this clarity wash over me and just like that, the spine creature was gone. it was quiet upstairs. and ive felt hollow ever since. i quit the medication not long after but ive felt the same. its like it got mad at me and left to teach me a lesson for trying to toy with it. and ive been a half human ever since. its spacious in my body and in my mind, used to holding two people and now its just one. and ive spent so much time trying to induce epiosdes and just hoping(?) it comes back, but it hasnt.

its like im being forced to live as a human when im not. "being human" is this like aspect ive always struggled with, like im not gonna go into it but ive been forced to live as a non human my whole life, and every time i start to feel that feeling of "maybe i could be a person" something fucking outlandish happens and kicks me back down. i feel like a cartoon character the way everything is such a "yeah this sort of shit would happen to me" moments all the time. and like in a weird way, i always had this "evidence" i was a non human, with this otherworldly thing living inside of me and it was me.

for a long time i thought of it as the "original" me before all the events in my life forced me to create a new version of myself, and that it hated me. like i was one person ripped in two, and the part you have now (carmen) is the "active" "half" but its only half of a full person. but the other half certainly wasnt a person either. ive had many theories of what it is/ was, but knew i would never know, all i knew was that i could never acknowledge it. and its funny cause knowing that "its just schizophrenia" doesnt ease that feeling. its hard to explain. but what im getting at is that ive spent the last two years learning to navigate myself as only a fraction of what i was before.

its interesting cause i wouldnt say the insanity is gone, every now and then paranoia rears its head and certain topics that would make me have an episode will still freak me out. but i can walk past mirrors now (mirrors were always a 100% episode inducing thing) and i still sleep regularily and ive been eating stable too. but its still with this feeling of hollowness. im used to there being two people inside my body and now its just one, and its too spacious and its almost like i get lost in there. only one set of thoughts in my head, only one person looking through my eyes, only one person controlling my arms. i always felt like an alien and thought i always would. and i found great joy in embracing my schizophrenia rather than hiding it as some terrible secret. and it was the best thing i ever did for myself, was finally being open about my psychosis. ive made so many meaningful connections to other psychotic people, and im so happy ive met ppl that helped me understand myself and that im not the only one that feels this, and also that ive helped other people realize their own psychosis too.

i thought i could play pretend at being a normal person and go back to myself if i didnt like it, but i ended up staying this way. i know its not impossible for that feeling to come back maybe, but my god its horrifying to lose it the way i did. it feels only the more recent months ive started to adapt to being the only me in my body, and to feel like i could maybe be human too. yeah it was scary, but on the other hand now its kind of lonely in a really weird way, and not something i thought was possible either, i can still feel the impression where it was even as it fills in with my own shape now.

[svnflowermoon]

hi

remember the anon from a few weeks ago who asked for advice about a girl called M? an anon with the emoji 🫀? well idk if u have already guessed but that was me

i told M that i like her and that if she didnt like me back she must tell the truth and she said ‘thats the thing, i dont know how i feel about you’ and then i told her i would wait

now i dont know what to do except wait, and like i can do that but like im just scared and we’ve been thru so much shit over the years between us and i feel like M probably doesnt like me the same way and thats why she said she doesnt know as in i dont completely know if i dont like you…..

like we used to be best friends and then we werent and like she smiles at me and ive heard that she wants a girlfriend, but i’ve also heard she likes this other girl who is super pretty like M and like im not that pretty and what if she is holding a grudge against the stuff i said last year to her???

like ive been depressed and sad and cried so much over her before, and missed her so much, and ive felt the whole spectrum of emotions over her, and i really care about her and i worry about her and i love her but what if she’s never felt like that towards me??? what if what she felt about me was a silly crush she had for like two months?

what if she leaves me waiting for months or years and then tells me and then ive spent my whole high school loving her and she didnt?? then what?

oh my god im ranted so much im so so so sorry you had to read all of that but i really needed to tell someone who would understand?? cos like non of of my friends have experienced desperate lesbian yearning and its like so hard cos they like guys and i dont

i just like her so much and i dont know what to do if she doesnt like me

again im so so sorry

omg hi!! i'm gonna be honest i'm oblivious so i hadn't figured out that it was you 😭😭

oh my god that's such an awkward situation like there's really nothing you can do except wait for her omg

i hope she likes you back omg, also about the whole thing abt the other girl, there's a chance she just has a flirty personality and has trouble figuring out who she likes fr bc she flirts so often?? idk i wouldn't know i can't flirt for the life of me. (also i'm sure you're gorgeous don't put yourself down like that angel <333)

considering you're feeling so strongly about the whole thing, i'd recommend making sure you spend time with your friends. try not to isolate yourself, just because you're waiting for her doesn't mean you have to put your whole life on pause. genuinely like spending time with friends will boost your mood sm, it won't fix it entirely but it will help you remember that you have other people in your life that are there for you <33

if she leaves you waiting for ages and then tells you that, then honestly she's an asshole 😭 if she didn't feel at least SOMETHING for you, she would probably want to let you know as soon as she could to save you too much hurt. ofc idk cause idk her irl but personally when i don't like someone i want to break that to them as soon as i can. so i think she probably likes you, it might not be as much as she did before or as much as you like her but i bet she likes you

don't feel bad for ranting omg never feel bad for ranting it's okay <333 the desperate lesbian thing is so real lmao i totally get you, please feel free to update me on whatever happens <33

[akirameta84]

idk when or if ill finish this and ive had a habit of sharing my unfinished wip fics lately so heres the sequel to the werewolf au oneshot i wrote (and that i also shared the first part of months before i finished and posted it to ao3 lol)

id say its a bit under halfway done? idk. it follows directly after the last oneshot and may be confusing without it. and its an unfinished fic so you wont be missing anything if you just wait for it to eventually be finished and published (even if it might be a year rip)

but yeah. this is the first half or so wip of "Howling Harassment" sequel to the kubosai werewolf oneshot "Lycanthropic Liasons"

has not been edited or proofread obviously cause its not even done

its 5.3k words, and warning for vomiting mentions. if you want to skip the mini scene where kusuo is sick (he doesnt puke in the scene but talks about having done so) ive bolded the start and end of it. you wont be missing any plot details with it, but this wip preview does end shortly after it with just a paragraph so if you plan to skip that scene you can just stop reading at the first bolded part and be fine

enjoy i guess

also my italics didnt copy over so :shrug: place them where you think they go

Kusuo had been enjoying a very nice nap, relaxing peacefully and soaking in some warm sunshine, when the feeling of something wet dripping onto him slowly roused him from his slumber.

He blearily opened one eye but then immediately snapped both open when he caught sight of the tan wolf, shockingly with a normal looking chin, leaning over him and drooling all over his face. Recoiling and lurching to his paws in the same beat, he stumbled a good few meters away from Nendou, standing tensely in the grass.

They were right outside the makeshift and, honestly, poorly constructed hideout of Kaidou and Aren’s, and Kusuo had thought that if he took a nap outside he could both enjoy the sun on his fur and separate himself from Nendou, since the idiot would likely be enthralled by Kaidou and Aren attempting to play card games with paws.

Apparently Kusuo had been very very wrong. He sat down hard into the dirt and reached a back leg to scratch painfully at his head, like it would help get all the saliva off of him even though he knew it wouldn’t.

Nendou had been staring at him the whole time until a deep bark from the hideout entrance sounded, calling his attention. Aren’s deep purple and very furry but scarred head stuck out from the door made of blankets and glared at Nendou, having heard Kusuo’s mental distress. Nendou whimpered but strutted over to the entrance and headed inside.

In regards to the werewolf telepathy, since they were unsure if Nendou could hear them, attempting verbal communication without the ability to speak words was necessary to try and talk to the idiot who had also found himself lycanthropic by unknown means. At least they knew where he was now and Kusuo could fix any problems his disappearance has started to cause.

Kusuo was slightly worried as well that, due to the fact that he was missing all of the last week, Nendou couldn’t turn back like Kaidou and Aren had at first. Kusuo had been able to teach them by just instructing them through how he usually activated his shape-shifting, and it had thankfully done the trick.

He was still hoping that Nendou could hear their trains of thought even if they were blocked from his. He’d shown no signs of it, but this was Nendou. He could be hearing everything and not give a single clue.

Either way, it was still absolutely bizarre to have someone (Or up to three someones) reading his mind for a change, even if the fact that he didn’t have to bother with proper communication as much was pleasant.

‘It’s still bizarre to me that you’ve heard all of our thoughts up to now from when you met us, Kusuo.’

Yeah. That was fair. Kusuo lifted his head and gazed at the darkening sky that was many shades of orange and pink as the sun gradually lowered into the horizon. It was rather pretty and almost soothing to stare at. It’d been decently bright and blue when he’d gone to sleep, so he’d gotten a good few hours in.

That was good. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to sleep once he went back home and dealt with what would be waiting for him. There was no way his brother had already gone from England to Japan in under twelve hours, even if their mom calling about limiter issues was fairly serious, but he’d still get harassed via television video call from his brother and either wait in dread for his brother to fly over or just teleport himself and get it over with.

Both sucked.

‘I think you’re over reacting. Surely your brother didn’t literally create something that turns people into werewolves. That sounds impossible. To be fair, so does being born an esper, but still.’

‘…B-but how else did it get…created?’

Kaidou was very bad at hiding his excitement at the concept of a mad scientist making something like lycanthropy, even if he posed his question as.

And also how he wondered if Kusuo’s brother could make him into a vampire instead, because when he watched a movie series called- ‘Hey stop stop sto-’

Kusuo snorted but obliged and cut that train of thought off, standing up and padding over to the hideout entrance.

Regardless, the answer was very much no to Kaidou, there really was no other potential source, and yes to Aren. Kuusuke was most certainly behind this and Kusuo was either going to make him fix it or commit fratricide.

‘…Can you…m-maybe-’

‘If he makes a cure I’m not letting you stay like this, Kaidou.’

Kusuo arrived at the blanket covering and stepped inside right on cue to see Kaidou’s best attempt at a canine frown and puppy eyes…the latter of which was quite a lot more effective in a literal dog form than it normally was for the boy seated on a pillow in the very corner of the hideout, front paws splayed over a bunch of cards on the carpeted ground in front of him.

He looked away before the eyes could take effect. He was getting far too soft and was not about to consider willingly keeping one of his friends a goddamn werewolf when he could reverse it.

When. Not if. Kusuo kept making sure he left no room for doubt in his mind. That way it would be easier to kill Kuusuke if he failed to make a totally guaranteed cure.

Aren was padding back over to the light blue wolf, a sulking Nendou in tow, and though Kusuo’s thoughts had already spelled out for the two of them that he was about to go home and get the confrontation or whatever over with, he still had one more pressing issue to attempt to solve beforehand.

‘Nendou,’ He projected outwards, staring at him as if it would help get his message across, taking a few more steps on the frankly uncomfortably textured carpet.

To his slight shock, the tan wolf spun his head around so quickly he feared Nendou would break his neck (A familiar sight, Nendou did that far too much, even if it had less of an impact without the…mildly disturbing human face), tongue lolling out of his mouth as he watched Kusuo expectantly.

Aren and Kaidou looked up, intrigued, their minds similarly surprised that Nendou could hear their minds just fine.

…Could he? There was a chance that had been Kusuo’s own inherent telepathy as it was hard to tell the two versions apart, unlike the ease at which he could separate the lycanthropic ability and his own shape-shifting.

If it was his own and the idiot couldn’t hear Kaidou or Aren that wasn’t that much of an issue. Kusuo was the one who needed to help him turn back, after all.

(Considering the fact that Nendou didn’t visibly react to any of Kusuo’s ambient thoughts about that, actually, Nendou was not connected to the werewolf telepathy. He can only hear projected thoughts from Kusuo’s. Kaidou seemed utterly fascinated by that, while Aren was just mildly annoyed at how it was so complicated. Kusuo was in agreement with his boyfriend, and not just because of that status).

Nendou’s head tilted after the good few moments of staring, and Kusuo realized he should probably elaborate on why he got his attention before he was licked or pounced on again.

‘Do you want me to show you how to turn back tomorrow?’

He almost offered to do it right now but remembered, bitterly, that they were all stuck like this for a good while longer thanks to the moon cycle.

To his surprise, Nendou responded by shaking his head no, slobber flailing from his tongue as he did so. He heard Kaidou yelp as a drop landing in his eye, according to his thoughts.

That was…not the expected or desired answer at all. Kusuo wished he could just ask why straight up, but he would just go through the options instead.

Aren had sat down facing the two of them, even though Nendou was still turned away from Kusuo and looking back with his head, face far too amused to be anything but smug.

‘I bet he’s going to already know how to-’

‘You’re jumping ahead in the narrative, shut up.’

‘…I’m what?’

Kusuo firmly decided to ignore him. Kaidou could probably use some help putting all the playing cards away, he not so subtly thought of but didn’t directly project as he looked over and saw the small wolf in question pushing around the cards with his paws to try and get them all in a small stack again.

Aren just rolled his eyes but turned away to assist, and Kusuo gave his attention back to the ever still and rapt Nendou.

Seriously, he kind of wished that Nendou had lost interest in their one-sided conversation during the decently sized breaks in it. That would be less creepy.

‘Are you saying no because you already know how?’ He asked next, using purely his own deductive reasoning and nothing else.

‘You are really something special, babe.’

Kusuo shifted in place, annoyed, as Nendou nodded. There was no bothering with asking why the fuck he had stayed like this a week when there wouldn’t be a reply. He just huffed out a breath of air and asked one last question.

‘Will you please turn back and be human again by tomorrow?’

Nendou unflinchingly nodded at the downright angry tone of Kusuo’s, finally spinning around fulling and raising a front paw up, curling it and uncurling it awkwardly.

Was that supposed to be a thumbs up? Probably. He could only guess that it was because the idiot tended to give so many of those normally.

Kusuo nodded to himself and walked away, putting as much space between him and Nendou as he could in the small hideout, ending up next to the other two slightly less idiotic wolves.

‘Slightly!? It’s more than just slightly!’

Aren just chortled.

‘Do you want help getting home before I go, Kaidou? I can teleport you and then make your family perceive you as human if they happen to see you before you’re able to change back. And, of course, make your disappearance today nonexistent.’

There was a worrying hesitation before Kaidou replied, his snout twisting awkwardly as if he were trying to bite at his lip, and he paused in gently nudging a few cards to the side and merging them with the growing stack. Kusuo used his telekinesis to grab them all and order them neatly into a stack, floating them straight into the box.

Kaidou blinked at him, startled but grateful, but refocused his mind quickly.

‘A-actually I want to. Uh…t-tell them. I don’t want to hide it forever and it would just be…easier. To tell them.’

Huh. Kusuo had heard Kaidou’s mind dance on that possibility, but it had been thought about so little that he hadn’t expected the boy to actually decide on that course of action in the end.

‘…I hope it goes well, then. Do you still want help getting home right now or will you wait?’

‘I’ll w-wait with Aren. Get some nerves out. And go home when we’re back.’

‘Very well.’

Kaidou and Aren had taken to keeping spare clothes in the hideout, so that plan would work just fine for them. Kusuo had no need, he could just teleport freely around those two since his secret wasn’t secret between them. And, in all honesty…it felt nice to have have a friend closer than Aiura or Toritsuka know, as well as someone even closer but not family.

But for now he also was definitely not telling any other friends. Not until he was ready to actually do it on his own terms for once.

Kusuo turned around and walked towards the exit of the hideout despite not needing to in order to head home, but it somehow felt more polite to leave this way and then teleport.

‘I’ll see you guys tomorrow, then.’

Kaidou and Aren seemed baffled that he’d said farewell which was rather fair since he never gave those or said hello much at all, but responded in kind themselves.

Before he could make it all the way out, though, footsteps sprinted towards him, and he didn’t have much time to react before Aren shoved his face against Kusuo’s, rubbing them together like he was a cat instead of a wolf.

Aren’s expression was far too innocent afterwards as he drew back and somehow grinned, and Kusuo rolled his eyes and turned away, keeping his body but most importantly his stupid tail with a mind of its own still as warmth bloomed in his chest, grateful his face couldn’t flush like this.

He continued walking moments after, only not doing something to be polite and reciprocate because he needed to leave and not because the prospect of doing so like this was embarrassing.

He briefly wanted to strangle Aren when he heard his mental chuckle at his denial.

As soon as he had fully crossed through the blanketed doorway, tail and all, Kusuo gathered his energy and teleported to his bedroom, a location so familiar he didn’t even need to conjure the image in his head to travel to it.

And, as soon as all four of his legs landed on his bedroom floor, his television turned on and his brother’s ugly face filled the screen, telepathy canceler adorning his long blonde hair, some of it covering his left eye and the rest of it in a ponytail, despite Kusuo being nowhere close enough to read his mind. He bared his teeth at the image and intentionally raised his hackles.

It took less than a second of being home for his brother to make an entrance.

Fifty six milliseconds, to be precise.

Kuusuke sniffled, feigning sadness as his tinny voice sounded through the speakers, “I can’t believe my own baby brother is so angry at me paying him a pseudo visit. How upsetting, after mom called me so worried about you and everything…”

Kusuo just sat on his floor and glared at the television, making eye contact not with Kuusuke’s image, but with the camera perched very visibly on top of the television.

His brother knew he’d be slaughtered if he had cameras permanently installed in Kusuo’s or their parent’s bedrooms. But he’d been barely spared when he added one to his TV that only activated when he was video calling, and the living and dining rooms got actual full-time cameras.

“Hmph, no response? Not even a rude comment?” His brother paused purposefully and smugly, “Oh, wait, you can’t respond! Without your telepathy, since even with my lovely canceler I’m still far out of range, you can’t speak like that.”

A teasing glint entered his brother’s visible eye as Kusuo continued to glare, unimpressed, “Or can you? Come on, can you speak, Kusuo? Speak? Like a good dog?”

He had to put physical effort into swallowing his growl, because that would have almost given Kuusuke exactly what he wanted. His bedroom sat in silence as they had an impromptu, or really, with his brother, expected competition to see who’s resolve gave first.

Kuusuke didn’t bother to try very hard, giving up with a shrug quickly because as much as he liked to make fun of his brother and attempt to win at every little thing, proper competition or not, they shared the same trait of impatience.

Kusuo’s patience was better overall, though. It had to be, growing up with his powers and all.

“I will say, it is a lot harder to decipher what you want to say like this. I’ve mastered your blank human expression, obviously, but I am very much not a canine person. Maybe I should have made werecats instead…”

Kusuo didn’t even bother to hide his growl that time, narrowing his eyes and translating his words clearly enough that his brother was easily able to garner the meaning when given more information than an empty glare.

“Oh? Am I responsible for you and your friend’s predicament? Obviously. To be completely truthful, though, you were never supposed to find out, and you were especially not supposed get infected yourself.”

Kusuo tilted his head to the side, keeping his eyes narrowed to hopefully keep his skepticism clear.

His brother laughed at first, “Aw, you look adorable like that. It barely looks like you’re angry,” Kusuo snapped his head back up instantly, “But no, I am not lying. That’s why I kidnapped and gave the virus to your brainless friend initially, so you wouldn’t hear any thoughts about it.”

Kuusuke paused to wave a hand dismissively at the question Kusuo didn’t even try to ask, anticipating the obvious.

“I never left London and your friend never left Japan, either. I had robots kidnap and inject him with the serum I had mailed to a private lab I own in the area beforehand. It was easier and I had no risk of getting infected myself. What I failed to realize is that your little pet idiot could break out of a room made of solid steel walls and take off the tracking collar in the process.”

The screen briefly flickered to an image of, presumably, the room Nendou had been held in. There was a large hole in one of the gray, metal walls, opening straight into the outside, and the image barely lasted a few seconds before his brother was back in view.

Ah. Kusuo didn’t think that was possible either, but this was Nendou they were talking about, who has done countless other inhuman feats like his stunt in the school marathon. If Kusuo didn’t know any better, he’d say that Nendou also had psychic abilities.

“Anyways, I’m sure you’re wanting my help with this…issue of yours?” Kuusuke questioned, not leaving room for Kusuo to respond before continuing.

Not that Kusuo would have replied anyways, but the implications were still rude.

“Why don’t you teleport over here right away and let me have a look? I have to admit, much to my shame… I have no way of making a cure without seeing the biological structure of the transformed state first. Otherwise I might be reverting things that are actually a part of your human body.”

That was the biggest pile of bullshit Kusuo had ever heard, and his eye roll only conveyed a tiny fraction of how pissed he was.

“Ah, you’re too smart for that, huh, Kusuo? Yeah, I actually don’t know if I can revert the lycanthropy at all, haha! I never planned to in the first place.”

…Sometimes, the truth hurt significantly more than the lie he had tried to get fed. Kusuo sighed, quite displeased, and stood with a stretch, walking right past his television and heading for the door of his bedroom, which he swung open telekinetically.

He couldn’t see his brother anymore, but he could, unfortunately, still hear him, “Cold shoulder, huh? I never said I wouldn’t try, Kusuo,” He paused mid-step, body halfway out of the door, “Teleport over tomorrow before school, since I really don’t think you’ll get anywhere near me transformed and you’re stuck like this until around six in the morning tomorrow, and I’ll see what I can think of. I won’t keep you anymore, mom’s about to call you down for dinner. Goodbye!”

Kusuo heard his television forcefully shut off with a faint click at the same time his mom’s thoughts grew in volume as they targeted him with ‘Ku-chan, dinner’s ready!’

He’d known dinner was ready. That was why he’d teleported home at this time and had started leaving the conversation when he had. Hmph. Maybe it was a little bit of intentional cold shoulder, sure, but it was mostly dinner.

Or at least that was what he’d tell his mom if Kuusuke whined to her about Kusuo being mean, because he was just being mean for the fun of it. It wasn’t like his brother didn’t deserve it. Sure, he said he was going to genuinely try and fix the whole stupid werewolf thing, but it was his fault in the first place so the effort overall amounted to nothing.

…Did Kuusuke say six in the morning? That probably meant the initial shift had been at six this morning, which added up. That was utterly ridiculous. It was from sunrise to sunrise on the day and night with the fullest moon. How irritating. Kusuo was very good at tuning out Kaidou and Aren’s train of dialogue at this point, helped by his seventeen years of experience tuning out telepathy in general, so much so that he could even forget about them, but their exclamations of horror at that time-frame brought them back into the forefront for a moment.

They’re going to be waiting in that hideout much longer than anticipated… Kusuo sent them a brief condolence. He sent himself a reminder to set an alarm for tomorrow morning so he could shift back promptly.

Abruptly done, Kusuo turned back into his room instead of stepping all the way out, finding and grabbing his dinner telekinetically and bringing it straight to himself, ignoring the silverware for obvious reasons. Upon seeing his plate float away from his table, his mom’s thoughts became rather worried, but he reassured her that he was fine, just still. Having issues.

“…And I’ll be going to see Kuusuke early tomorrow,” He tacked on as well, rolling his eyes at how that statement fully calmed her down in the end.

Setting the plate down on his desk, Kusuo did his best to hop onto his desk chair, grumbling as he landed and the chair teetered precariously before balancing. Doing that was much easier as a cat, considering he weighed around ten pounds as one compared to now in which he was probably a good bit over a hundred.

Mildly annoyed, he huffed again tonight, and started eating (And being a bit disheartened at how dull the normally delicious tonkatsu tasted. He didn’t have anywhere near as many taste buds as a human did, so it was like the flavor was distant and sad), debating on if even trying to sleep when he felt wild awake and irritated was even worth it.

Well, even just lying restfully in his bed would be nice, and Kusuo decided listlessly relaxing was how he’d spend the rest of the night. School tomorrow would probably be a pain after having to deal with his brother, and a mental break would be necessary.

If only he had his germanium ring to truly relax in silence, properly removing both forms of telepathy. As much as he was fond of his nuisances, it was socially draining to always be either in a conversation or hearing one, as the werewolf telepathy was louder than his.

‘Are you telling us to shut up?’

‘Of course not. I’m complaining to myself, not you.’

‘…Right.’

Back on track, even if he could wear a ring on paws, it was no longer functional. The initial transformation had taken his ring with it, just like his clothes, and it’d been warped and broken beyond repair due to Kusuo’s innate strength. If it hadn’t, he likely would’ve tied it to a string and placed it on his neck.

As it stood, it was one wrong tap from Kusuo away from shattering, which wasn’t good when one weak tap from Kusuo could kill a person.

At least in the fading hours of daylight as dusk transitioned to night, people were settling down; and while most people weren’t going to sleep, they were going from a busy day to a mellow night routine, and their minds quieted as a result.

Finishing his meal and barely stopping himself from zoning out and letting his brain decide to lick the rest of the plate clean, he squinted at the empty dish and activated his clairvoyance to see if he had any coffee jelly of equal value in the fridge.

Fantastically, he did. Thank god his parents didn’t splurge on fancy dishes and silverware. This cheap ceramic plate had the same value of a slightly high in value convenience store coffee jelly, and so he apported the two of them, not caring at all that his empty plate was now in the refrigerator.

Kusuo could put it up later, before his parents noticed. Probably.

The lack of hands was making Kusuo actually appreciative of the full scale of his ESP for once, as ripping the seal off of the cup of jelly was as simple as a flex of his mind.

His tail thumped against the side of chair from where it dangled downwards as he shoved his snout straight into the cup. The taste may be watered down and nowhere close to how divine it was normally, but there was still enough of it present for him to enjoy it blissfully.

When he finished it and licked the entire inside completely clean he apported the empty cup for a significantly cheaper but still good brand of coffee jelly, since eating the contents regrettably lowered the value.

He deserved two for this whole ordeal. Maybe three…

…Perhaps not three, actually, since it wouldn’t do if he ate too much coffee jelly while being unable to truly enjoy its delectable flavor…yeah, two would suffice. That reason was why he had avoided his favorite treat even when dealing with being miserable and shape-shifted against his will, but a whole day stuck as a dog warranted it.

----

Kusuo should not have eaten any coffee jelly.

His head and stomach burned fiercely but, at the very least, he heard little to no mental voices due to it being the middle of the night. Even Kaidou and Aren were fast asleep, evidently, since there was no trace of them in his mind. So he did get the reprieve of his headache was significantly less than it could have been in this moment.

His mom rubbed his back (Basically petting him but the comfort was something he would have gotten the exact same way in a human form, so whatever), kneeling down on the floor to be next to him as he sat on the same, chilly, bathroom tile, right in front of the toilet.

Caffeine was toxic to canines, as well as most other animals. Technically it was still toxic to humans but that was irrelevant due to humans having the constitution for it.

Wolves did not have the constitution for it. It made them very ill instead.

Yes, he’d known that, but he’s eaten coffee jelly in his cat form with no repercussions despite his biology being just as altered as it was now…but, on retrospect, he wasn’t sure if he’d ever spent the next few hours after those moments remaining in a cat form and letting that body start to digest it, instead turning back before that could happen.

His mom’s mind was frantic with distress which was fair considering she’d found her normally invulnerable son still transformed and heaving the contents of his stomach into the toilet in the middle of the night after waking up from the noise of him teleporting and landing loudly into the bathtub at first because he’d been disoriented and nauseous, but she’d refused to let her mind come up with and ask questions until she was sure Kusuo was going to be alright.

She was a godsend, and so he decided to explain of his own free will so she wouldn’t start crying, which she was far too close to for comfort, flicking his gaze to the side so that it met hers.

“I’m okay. Or getting there. Dogs can’t have coffee or they get sick. I ate two cups of coffee jelly after dinner…I think I forgot to take the plate I apported into the fridge back out as well. Sorry.”

“Kusuo…” The use of his actual name was usually a bad sign, but now it was more out of exasperation and worry than anything of the scolding variety, “Can you still not turn back?”

He just shook his head, not wanting to explain that he wouldn’t be able to until a time frame that was far too specific for what he was still pretending was a power malfunction.

Kurumi just hummed sadly at that, continuing to stroke his back even as his scooted a bit away from the toilet. His stomach was still rolling queasily, but Kusuo was fairly sure that his body was done being absolutely disgusting.

He almost shuddered remembering how it had felt. He was beyond glad his ESP made him neigh immune to disease, because vomiting was the most unpleasant thing he’d ever experienced so far in life.

As he continued to pull himself back together, staring blearily at the white bathroom floor tiles, his mom asked him another question, “Would medicine help?”

“Even if it did, given my powers, I can’t take it like this. Human medication is a very big no-no for animals,” He sighed mentally and slowly raised himself off the ground, taking shaky steps past his mom and towards the open bathroom door. It was dark in the house, and so the hallway outside looked pitch in contrast to the illuminated bathroom, even with his ability to see in the dark.

The bathroom was, fortunately, rather close to his bedroom, so he decided against teleporting and padded slowly back to his room, pausing as his mom rushed ahead to open the door for him, leaving the bathroom light on in the process.

That was sweet of her, even if he probably could have used his telekinesis fine. He sent a quiet thanks to her and closed the gap to his bed agonizingly slowly, as his stomach lurched ominously whenever he tried to speed up more than a tiny bit.

Kusuo had actually managed to drift asleep briefly before this incident, lulled sufficiently by soft mental voices as he laid on his bed, and now he was even sleepier feeling. It seemed like getting sick had actually assisted in granting him some much needed rest.

He didn’t bother to shut his bedroom door, nosing under the covers of his bed until he was completely buried and comfortable, wondering faintly where his mom had gone when he heard her footsteps go downstairs, but overall not that concerned about it.

It was only when he had nearly fallen asleep again that his heightened hearing noticed her approaching his bed, and she called for him as she approached the lump of covers he’d become, “Ku-chan?”

He stuck his head out from under his blankets, the rest of his body curled up tightly behind him, looking curiously at his mom as she held a bowl full of water out at him, setting it down on his end table once she’d confirmed that he knew of its presence.

“If you feel up to it, you should make sure to drink some water, okay? Otherwise you’ll get dehydrated, since you just threw up,” She reached a hand down and stroked his head gently, and Kusuo nodded both to signify that he heard her and to dislodge it politely.

He knew that. He just hadn’t felt like getting himself water when he would have survived the night regardless. But, now that it had been brought to him, he crawled up on his bed until he could stick his muzzle into the bowl and drink as his mom turned to leave, wishing him a good rest of the night that he almost forgot to return.

Drinking from a bowl like this was mildly demeaning, but it was significantly less of a hassle than using telekinesis to drink from a cup was. So, since he was feeling very icky and wanted to exert as little energy as possible right now, he decided he didn’t care, tucking his head right back under his blanket once he’d had enough to satiate his thirst.

----

Waking up to an alarm at six in the morning when he didn’t have to be at school until closer to nine would usually be a miserable experience, but for once, Kusuo was downright filled with joy when he remembered why he was startled out of a deep sleep so early.

[wawawawawawawawawawawawawa]

hiiiiiiii we havent sent you any asks for some time. mostly because kanra didnt front much

[idk if you can recognize us after all the url changes]

ereyesterday our their of pissed suggested getting into an outpatient psychward and told us to think about it. and silver[headmate] made a post on the tumbler saying that this could be a bad idea because somewhat recently i made a hole in a wall and less than a week ago Lyra messed up a cupboard. as if we're the only ones who on occasion damage stuff when angered. this is literally so mean for no reason.

also. a few months ago shinra had an accident with a knife. and we got a fun new 1 inch long scar and possibly a little bit of nerve damage or something. and we were supposed to get some reminder tetanus shot around a month after that since i had no idea when was my previous tetanus shot. and i uhhhhhhh didn't get it since i'm scared of doctors, and it would probably seem quite weird if i went to a doctor about this now

also im sorta balding but. scared of doctors so cant do anything about that

last sunday i was in some social studies class or some other shit. and the teacher said something about how lgbt people were never oppressed in this country. which is a very bold thing to say as someone living in a country in which like a quarter of the area declared itself a "lgbt free zone" and only calmed down a little when the european onion told them that that's probably illegal. and i decided to argue with the teacher a bit. one of the things she said was that sometimes there's dudes in pup masks on pride parades, which invokes disgust and thus should be banned, and. idk why but i kinda expected teachers to have a bit more common sense than 14 year old twitter users. also i came to school wearing a spiked dog collar on a regular basis. [for reasons unrelated to kink.]

well. good thing i'm failing every single one of my classes lmao. at least i won't be invoking disgust in fragile old ladies

also. i just met a doggy and he was very niceys. very soft and friendly. and polite also.

- toby

HOW COULD I NOT RECOGNIZE U MY BESTIE IN CHRIST <3 u changed ur url a binch of times but ur icon remained the same sdlfndnfkjsnsdf so i was able to keep track!

i however do not understand a single word of that first paragraph. if u want my advice, DO NOT. FUCKING GO. TO A PSYCH WARD!!!!! idfc Who it helped, it hurts a lot more than it helps, theres NO WAY to tell which psych wards are good and which are shit. no really let me go thru them all rn:

REFERRALS: most professionals that work in different offices do not know each other on a personal level and may never hear of their bad stories. a doctor that was the chillest coolest doctor id ever met referred me to a psychiatrist that sucked fucking ass shit. there is no way to know for sure

GOOGLE REVIEWS: im gonna b real i dont trust some of those mfs. you seen the guys that go into psych wards? a lot of mentally ill people r internalizers and just accept whatever happens to them, and even if they arent, society looks down on the mentally ill SO MUCH that they could b told "you deserve this bc ur crazy" and due to all this societal gaslighting, theyd agree

REVIEWS ON OTHER WEBSITES: same thing lol

why is this so important? because you cannot Fucking leave a psych ward. an outpatient ward yeah you can leave, but ive been to both in and outpatient and they excert the same level of bullshit control over their patients. in outpatient, one of the therapist told me "you are not mentally ill" and made me cry lol. she MEANT to mean it in a "you're not mentally ill, you're ~suffering from a mental illness~ uwu dont let ur disorder define you" kinda way, but that concept was introduced in therapy..... two days after she told me this. like hello? and then she tried to spin it as like, it was a problem with Me i.e. My PTSD Was Triggered and not She Is Dog Shit At Timing The Explaining Of Concepts.

this place also invited my abuser into group therapy even after me incessantly telling them "this is my abuser, she will use all this against me" and yeah guess what she did immidiatley after lol

dont go to wards.

WRT THE KNIFE: damn :0 thats insane dude, hopefully the nerve damage will heal but from experience its gonna take like, a few years at minimum lmao. i had a Knife Incident involving my pinky and the nerve damage was so bad that i couldnt hold scissors w my pinky in the scissor loop thing but evenchually it got better but it took like 4 years. if the knife was clean and not rusty ur risk of tetanus is pretty low i THINK, do not quote me on this. if ur scared of doctors, look into if ur pharmacy offers tetanus shots! some pharmacies have vaccinations other than flu and covid (which i need 2 get lol rip) so u might be able to get one THERE and not see A Doctor about it!

u dont need a doctor for the balding. minoxidil my dear boy, its at walmart, its the stuff thats in rogaine. you want "minoxidil 5%" thats whats in rogaine, theres "minoxidil 3%" thats For Girls but idk ive never heard of anyone having a problem w it. IT IS TOXIC TO CATS THOUGH IT IS VERY VERY TOXIC TO CATS IF YOU HAVE A CAT DO NOT LET THEM FUCKING TOUCH YOU OR RUB ON YOU UNTIL IT DRIES ok? :) id google more if i were u but boom. problem solved. i am the doctor now

"dog masks invoke disgust and should be banned" babygirl disgust is subjective and like, someone could use that logic to ban whatever YOU like, or Are. maybe someone is really disgusted by lil old ladies bc the wrinkles look gross as fuck to them. should we quarrantine the grandmas?

also lol at the dig against 14 year old internet puritans and then surprise surprise guess what happened on This Very Blog while this ask was sitting n collecting dust!! i gotta b on my best behavior bc theres a nonzero chance that The Feds will be looking at this blog (did u know u dont report cybercrime to local police and instead theres a form on the fbi's website? Well Now You Know!) and that goes 4 all of u too. bart please be good..... for the love of GOD please be good....... please tell me yall know that simpsons scene

also also yay doggy!! was it a regular dog or a dude in a pup mask? either way very fun n cool!!!

[ouroboobos]

i need a new fucking job lmfao. ITEMIZED LIST OF GRIEVANCES AS OF RIGHT NOW

its customer service

i make less as a manager than the starting wage at mcdonalds

theres at least two grown men with sexual harrassment complaints against them because they cant stop hitting on teenage girls

the two guys got in zero trouble and continue to be treated like perfect hardware store angels

one of them gave me a rose on valentines day and kept trying to give me rides

theres a completely seperate third man in his 60s who continually makes comments about my body and touches me and tried to give me a massage in the break room one time

everyone loves him and hes been working here for like 8 years so even if it got bad enough to report him theres no way my boss would give a shit and no one would ever believe me and im worried abt retaliation

i havent told him to fuck off because im scaredcore so idk if he even knows hes making me uncomfortable

i get routinely sexually harrassed by customers and when i asked my boss abt how to handle it he basically said other girls have quit over it and "the real problem is when they dont call a manager up" so he definitely does not udnerstand what its actually like to deal with that and that its usually too subtle to do anything abt it

since i got promoted i almost never get my 10 minute breaks which maybe doesnt seem like a big deal but it is wearing me the fuck out

im surrounded by proud vocal conservatives

EXCEPT for my boss who is one of those people who doesnt think hes a bigot (hes very proud of being one of the chill open-minded Christians) but definitely is

also i couldnt make this up even if i wanted to, but hes 36 years old and a cpuple days ago he made me stand there and listen to him rant about hes not homophobic but why did they make Good Omens gay not everything has to be gay 😡😡😡 hes 36. hes fucking 36

we're almost always understaffed and they dont want to pay anyone so they dont start hiring more people until we're already in our busiest season and then we have to train a bunch of 15 year olds between dealing with 36 billion kajillion fucking customers

truly abysmal fucking communication. i didnt even know i was getting promoted to management until i was in the middle of supervisor training (which they never bothered to finish so i got like... tiny disjointed snippets of training over a period of a few weeks and then i was a manager)

i was functionally head cashier for months and they never gave me the title or the raise because i was "being trained for the position" when actually they allotted less than a day of training from the FORMER head cashier on her last day even though they knew she was retiring for months and then i just figured it out by myself and was already doing all of it

im finally going back to school and next semester when im better settled i want to transition to full time classes, so i met with my boss to give him a heads up and told him i wanted to start training a couple people on some of my basic responsibilities in case i have to cut down my hours, and he basically brushed me off and said we can talk about it in a few months.

and then he talked about his time in college for like twenty minutes and said i shouldnt overwhelm myself by working full time and going to school full time, which made it seem like he was on the same page

but then he kind of was like "well its good you want to get an education but if you go part time in the spring that kind of screws us over" so im not really sure what the fuck is happening in his brain but it almost sounds like he expects me to stay part time in school and keep working full time and doesnt want to prepare for anything else

also he didnt tell me i inherited the key department in addition to the front end until i was like hey whos ordering keys now? and he was like ummmm you? 🤨 ok thanks for the heads up man

its one of those places that looks pretty nice but theres like 20 things breaking throughout the store that theyre too cheap to fix

^recent example: the receipt printers arent working for duplicates (which we need for returns, special orders, etc) so now you to walk across the room to the actual printer and they dont want to fix it because "the printer paper is cheaper than the receipt paper". im not even that irritated about having to use the big printer but that is so fucking cheap for such a massive successful company that now im genuinely pissed off about it.

my boss is one of those guys who seems super nice and friendly and great at first, and pretty much everyone thinks he is, but the more time you spend with him the more you're like. hey buddy is something a little bit fucking wrong with you? and every day i resent him just a tiny bit more

they want us to follow homeless people around the store like fucking spies until we find an excuse to kick them out

theres a guy that comes in every now and again and harrasses female cashiers, walks around casually dropping hate speech, and once literally told one of our teenage boys about his rape fantasy and they wont do anything about him because he's rich and he spends a lot of money

we all have like 4 jobs with barely the pay of 1

i hates it

[cy-cyborg]

Tags from @the-chickenshit-oddity

#stupid question definitely #but does that mean like. if the skin's cut at 90 degrees and idk the bone's flush with it or smth. it still only takes one month for it to #like scar i guess? #that seems so crazy to me #like obviously i believe you lol #but my colleague kicked me in the shin three weeks ago and it didn't even bleed but still scabbed over and it only fell off just yesterday #anyway #this is me expressing surprise

It's not a stupid question! The answer is yes, but there's more going that explains it.

It's not that it takes less than a month for an amputation to fully heal. It's that bandages suck for amputations lol. Seriously, I've been an amputee since 1997 and I've met a total of maybe 5 nurses in that time and no doctors who can actually bandage my stumps in a way that keeps them on more than a few hours. Stumps are tapered in shape, and usually there's not really anything for the bandage to grip onto, so it just falls off. If you want it to stay in place, you have to do it up super tight, which restricts blood flow and can cause issues in that early healing stage, so a lot of modern doctors have moved away from using them in favour of large adhesive pads called post-op pads (essentially, giant bandaids). New stumps also swell A LOT so bandages aren't good for them for that reason either.

However, even when they were the standard, bandages didnt need to stay on long, because you dont need the entire wound to heal before you remove them, just the external part of the wound. Just a warning for anyone squeamish, I'm going to be talking details for how amputations are treated.

So when a limb is amputated, you don't just leave the wound at the end open. Even as far back as the medieval era didnt do that. That will kill you. If blood loss doesn't, infection will, so you have to close that wound.

Today, the way they typically do that in ideal situations is by cutting down through the limb, then stopping when they hit the soft tissues (skin and fat) at the back of the limb, then cutting down a bit to make a kind of flap and pulling that up and over the open wound. The flap is stitched to the front and sides of the limb and over a few weeks, the end of the stump fuses with the skin pulled over the wound (well kind of, it's a bit more complex than that, things like a bursa grow, witch is a fluid sack to keep the skin loose, non-amputees have them on their elbows and I think heels and knees, but I don't know when/how that starts lol). Externally though, the skin is given help to heal with stitches, so the outer wound usually closes in less than 2 weeks. When I had my right leg amputated in 2019, they did it this way, and I only had bandages on for 5 days before they switched to the badaid thing. After that point, all the healing is internal, so bandages don't do anything.

Before this method though, or when there isn't enough skin left to do that, they used to just grab the top and bottom of the soft tissues on the amputated stump and pull them together, then use stitches to keep it closed. In some cases, they'd cut the bone a little further up so it could close, but not always. This is why a lot of older amputees had kind of pointy stumps (at least for their first few years post amputation before the fat and muscle tissue grew in properly), but modern amputees tend to have more rounded ones. This is how my left leg was done in 1997, and the results are a lot messier, it causes more pain, but the external wound still closes in around 2 weeks, sometimes 3, so bandages aren't usually needed past that point.

The last option if neither of these are pheasable is a graft to close the end. I actually had my right leg amputated twice, first below the knee in 1997 and then again, through the knee in 2019, and the initial amputation was done this way. There was a patch of skin and tissue on my heel that was undamaged, but everything up higher was too far gone for the standard method at the time, so they took that bit of healthy heel skin and slapped it onto the end of the stump the close the wound. Like the other ways of closing the wound, the stitches hold it all together and it heals externally first. Once that is done, and the only healing left to do is internal, bandages don't help anymore.

The one exception to all this is methods of amputation that do a lot of damage to the skin. Burns, bombs, some skin and blood illnesses mostly. Those are slower to heal, and might need to stay covered longer, but outside of very extreme situations you don't tend to see this very often.

You will often see amputees wearing compression sleeves long after that month is up to help manage swelling, and most amputees will wear a white or grey silicone or cotton sock under their prosthetics for padding, but we dont wear these all the time - the socks are specifically only worn when wearing a prosthetic, the compression sleeves are only worn for the first few months to a year, and only for a few hours at a time outside of some burn victims. Both these things can look like bandages from a distance, but they are not.

Just a reminder that unless your amputee character lost their limb less than a month ago, their stumps don't need to be bandaged.

[chasing-rabbits]

Definitely have the Flu I wasn’t feeling too great on Monday but mostly aches and fatigue thats not abnormal to how I get sometimes but god I took a nap and woke up in the middle of the night and was not good at all felt like I was being hit with hammers all over my body and ofc I was sick. Glad I cancelled therapy for today because whilst I definitely don’t feel as bad as I did yesterday I still don’t feel too good. I’ve just switched up now to the constant cough which now hurts when I do cough & the typical stuffy runny nose you get when you’ve a cold. But tbh I’d take this over the pain I felt yesterday obviously and I managed to keep some food down. I was mostly worried about making sure I didnt get dehydrated because I’m genuinely awful at making sure I drink enough at the best of times so didn’t want to get myself badly dehydrated and end up at the hospital because that has happened to me once before, not because of the Flu though that was something else. Also being sick on my own sucks so much I mean I do have my fur babies & they’ve been keeping me company a lot lately although they haven’t been able to sit on me because of my aches Bagel tried but I couldnt really have him on me bless him and then he got startled by me coughing my guts up lol If it wasn’t for my dad going out and picking a few bits up for me honestly it would’ve sucked so much worse I have now learned I am never ever going to not have Calpol stocked up in my house because that was very dumb of me. We have paracetamol but I can’t swallow the capsules & not even the tablets too so I need Calpol instead I swear Calpol used to taste nicer maybe when I was a kid it wasn’t sugar free idk but it has an after taste now that I don’t remember being so bad. And yes I am absolutely being baby about having the Flu because I can & because I am baby & the last time I had the Flu I couldn’t get out of bed for a week. Thankfully though this time it seems like I’m recovering a lot faster. All I had yesterday was toast though and I’m craving some proper food but idk what I want to eat vs what I can and should eat. I mean would pizza be a bad idea because there’s a good pizza place that opened up recently down the road and I ordered from there the first time last month and they do a really good GF Vegan pizza ugh so good.

[thelastevilregal]

oh my god you want hear about problems? i have SO many problems and my Work Therapist just moved to miami so i have a backlog

so .. back in october i accidentally. slept with my housemate uhh not realizing she had had feelings for me for like a year and a half and we ended up dating for like 2 months. i realized i wanted to break it off around thanksgiving but didnt work up the nerve until the new year partly bc i got hit by a car early december and had to get her to pick me up from the er and then she did a lot to take care of me after and. AHH.

im ok now also but. i broke up w her right after we both got back from visiting our families for xmas and i was like i HAVE to do it tonight bc we had scheduled a 'roommate mtg' w all 4 of us to confront our other bitch roommate over how shitty she was acting and i was like. if i dont do this now then our relationship is going to come up in this talk. and i cant sit and defend us while actively wanting to break up ykkkkk?? ughh i felt so bad for it but the straw that had broke the camels back with bitch roommate was that when i told her that me and ex were dating, the cunt had the nerve to pull a face and say "yikes" before slamming the bathroom door in my face. then 15 seconds later yank it open again and snark "you couldnt have said something before we moved to a new place?" i was like "bitch its been a week wtf are you talking about" and she slammed the door again. as though id been dating my ex in 'secret' for like 6 months since our last apt???? IM not the one whos weird and cagey about my sex life. bitch roommate is the one who lied to me about being a virgin for some reason and then actively hid her sex life from me for the next 4 years in order to maintain that lie, as though i give a single solitary shit who or if she fucks????

but so bitch roommate and i did not speak again until the roommate meeting. at the end of which i was like 'k ig lemme clear the air about dnd' (i had my dm kick her out of my dnd group—they are MY friends to begin with and we were starting a new campaign with a much paired down party specifically bc we didnt want roommate bs at the table. the morning after he did she TEXTED me at 6:22am like 'i know youre afraid of conflict but this is fucking weird if you have a problem say it to me' as though cheap jabs will get me to talk to you. obviously i ignored her). cunt had the nerve to go 'yeah what was that about?' as though she really had no idea what she couldve done. im like bitch wtfym what was that about?? have you not noticed we havent spoken in 2 months?? she gave a half hearted 'i guess im sorry' when i told her she had been so far out of pocket it was ridiculous.

but again. id also broken up w my ex the night before all of that. so she had been planning to micromanage the shit out of this conversation and then ended up being an emotional wreck. i felt so bad but i was like i HAD to yknow???? she said we could go back to being friends......

so that was 2 months ago now. i 'gave her space' for the first few weeks (p much avoiding being at the house like i had when i was actively avoiding bitch roommate) and its been several weeks since ive like. checked in with her emotionally. shes finally started acting more normal around me again, mostly at my queue. she watched alien with me last weekend. opposite end of the couch, where she used to lean her head on my shoulder before we dated. although actually maybe that was a romantic feelings thing?? fuck. i dont know how to know if im being like, callous by just acting like things are the same as before, or if i should be doing something different, and its hard bc we have opposite work schedules so i dont see her most days anyway and idk how to talk to her about it. we havent gone into each others bedrooms beyond talking in the doorways since breaking up, but like it feels like a conversation we need to have in private, no?? ughhhhhhh i hate this. idk how to prompt this, nor what i actually need to ask her to begin with..... just like, are we actually okay, yknow?

my old work therapist thought my problems were hilarious. like an american telanovela. i was like well at least someone is enjoying this situation :/

You know I don't think I can even give you any terrible advice for this situation. Sounds like you got that part handled. Just keep doing what you're doing 💯

[the-kipsabian]

Crush anon here I went through a stint when I was younger of losing some people back to back tho it was months / a year apart and I’ve lost a couple people a few years apart here recently one I just lost a few weeks back another just a few months ago

Grief is never ever easy but it’s much harder when you don’t experience it for a while and then suddenly you’re hit with it so quickly so much at once

The regrets are very very real and valid and I understand the connection disconnection thing felt that way about my paw he was good to me most of the time but was terrible to my mother and bad mouthed my dead nana his ex wife fairly often and she was my entire universe tbh so made for a very mixed relationship with him

Fond memories of eating out with him or going to the library

But then horrible ones of him bad mouthing my nana and him not being allowed at her funeral and him being horrid to my mom who despite my admittedly terrible relationship I still felt so much anger seeing her treated so wrongly

Point is people are complicated grief will be complicated often the more complicated the relationship with the person before they died the more complication with the grief is what I’ve found

I find myself feeling a mixture of hating not visiting my grandma in the nursing home more vs remembering times she blamed me for things that weren’t my fault or had meltdowns over small things and not necessarily feeling glad I didn’t visit more I will always regret not visiting more but it sorta in a way removes the rose tinted glasses I had as a kid before I realized and was told some of the stuff she was doing to me was wrong

I’m so sorry for such back to back losses I could never begin to imagine your exact feelings everyone grieves and feels differently and being numb is sometimes a way we can feel whether it be because we’re not ready to feel properly or we feel like we can’t because we have to remain strong for anyone else or whether it just happens

It’s okay like I said people are complicated and therefore grief will be as well and all that matters is we find what works for us and we work through it at safely and at our own pace

Sometimes it will be all at once other times it will be much more sporadic and sometimes even if it’s all at once there can still be smaller times or even bigger times we have random breaks and everything

It’s all okay, I hope you’ll be alright and I hope this makes sense and helps you somehow

I often use my own experiences to try to help others so <3

yeah its. its a lot rn. my grandpa passed away on thursday and my grandma last night so thats. yeah

the thing for me is, apart from getting hit with all of this rapid fire after not experiencing loss in years, its just.. i didnt really have a relationship in the recent years with either of them. mostly cause my grandpa wasnt really a great person and my grandma was secluded and didnt really like me so like.. yeah. i have a lot of guilt of not trying to mend any relationships like that and just having the rest of the family to handle them, but ive been living with the regrets and could-have-beens the past few days a lot and. its just a lot. especially since now theres two people like that and two relationships that are no more that i somehow need to try to deal with

idk like i said in the tags its a very complicated thing for me. im trying to do this at my own pace but its just.. odd to me. and i know its normal but i also feel guilty about it. about a lot of things, like said. i'll be fine eventually, probably cause thats just how life is and since these relationships werent that good or close.. but it still hurts. idk man

thank you tho, i do really appreciate you reaching out 💜

[submarinerwrites]

Now I'm curious, what do you do to your skin?

ok anon you didnt know this but i’ve been kindof fixated on this for the last few months. SO. this will be uhhhh a lot of information.

for context: my skin is somehow simultaneously dry and acne-prone. it’s also very sensitive, so like i’ll react badly (flushing, sensitivity) to fragrance, alcohol etc. also i have violent seasonal allergies so that impacts my skin too. in my early teens i got pretty bad acne pretty much exclusively on my forehead, which cleared up when i started birth control (which i stopped when i was about 19). it was fine for about six to seven years, and tbh i didn’t do very much during that time (like, literaly just washed and moisturized a few times a week + sunscreen when i went into the sun). then, when i turned twenty-two, my skin suddenly started getting tempermental again. i got a bunch of really painful, inflamed breakouts on my cheeks and forehead in sudden succession and i also started getting majorly dry skin just all over.

at that point, i started washing my face a lot more consistently (cerave hydrating facial cleanser), started using sunscreen every day (eltamd uv facial + uv clear), and i also picked up the niacinamide serum and peptide serum from the ordinary bc ? idk actually ? people online said they were good for me? and then i used a moisturizing cream, also from cerave.

anyways i figured out after about a month that the niacinamide was blowing my face up with redness and even more pimples, so i stopped using it immediately. (to be clear: niacinamide in low concentrations actually works really well for me but like. a 10% niacinamide serum is way too much niacinamide for me and frankly most people.)

after a few weeks of that my skin kind of started to clear but since i get pretty bad inflammation and hyperpigmentation after getting zits i also started a retinoid to clear that up. i’ve been using the la roche-posay adapalene gel since it’s actually cheaper than differin where i am. (this is maybe the only part of my skincare routine that i’m truly happy about rn lol). since it was a retinoid i expected some dryness and sensitivity for the first few weeks, but my face started stinging and turning red literally every time i put on moisturizer. after a while i figured out it wasn’t the retinoid’s fault because i my face actually hurt more when i wasn’t using it.

for the last few days i’ve been researching what caused the inflammation, and i figured out that it was probably all of the hyaluronic acid in all of the different products i was using. last night i ended up ditching the cerave moisturizer and the peptide serum and actually had no irritation at all, so i think that’s going to be my new thing. imo since my cleanser is a wash-off product it’s not really causing the sensitivity, so i’m keeping it, and the sunscreens i’ll keep since they don’t seem to actively be doing harm? i do a seven-day cycle at night since i’m still adjusting to the retinoid, which is:

exfoliate: cleanse (cerave salicylic acid cleanser), moisturize (la roche-posay cicaplast balm)

retinoid: cleanse (cerave hydrating facial cleanser), retinoid (la roche-posay adapalene 0.1% gel), moisturize (la roche-posay cicaplast balm)

rest: cleanse (cerave hydrating facial cleanser), moisturize (la roche-posay cicaplast balm)

rest (repeat day 3)

retinoid (repeat day 2)

rest

rest

once i’m fully adjusted to the adapalene i’m going to try to use it daily (except for my one exfoliation day). in the mornings, i just cleanse with the hydrating cleanser and put on sunscreen.

my overall skin philosophy is that the skin is an organ whose main function is protecting us, so i try to take that mentality when it comes to what i put on my face. that means recently i’ve been prioritizing hydration and sun protection, not necessarily aesthetics (though i do hate having pimples).

soo the whole thing is kind of complicated and long-winded but i do do my research, and it’s been working pretty well! if you have any other questions about it please do ask!

[blackvail22]

i talk here a bunch each day because i have no one else to talk to.

its sad, honestly.

i couldnt go to my counseling appointment, so i wont be able to see her again for another 2 weeks

thats nearly a month since ive seen her

im not doing very well so this isnt good at all lmao

idk how im going to make it another 2 weeks but all i can do is try ...

i think i start work again next week. im afraid of what has changed... probably not a lot. all i know is we have a new manager, and ive heard he's nice

i have a postop appt on tuesday for my tonsillectomy. finally i will have what my disease means explained to meeee. i keep thinking about it, and its been bothering me. i probably wont know if i have another surgery until after my next ct scan (they have to space them out so i dont get exposed to too much radiation and i had one less than a month ago) and idk when that is

im so bored. i have to be the problem

i really think i am

"my friends wont reach out" but when i reach out its super dry and they varely engage. maybe im seeing it in the wrong perspective. maybe my vision is skewed, and im seeing it in the wrong light.

maybe its because theyre busy

maybe at work

going to work

hanging out with other friends

going to hang out with other friends

i want to have a good friend group so bad but i feel like i cant have one

i feel like my only friend was em even though she used me. oh, i dont know if i ever told u the reason why we arent friends anymore

so, i dont have the best memory of the order everything happened, but ill do my best to sort it out

after spending a bunch of time together, we started to fade away. i would ask her if she wanted to spend the night, she would hesitate for a good 30 minutes, talk to her mom, and then say "sure". sometimes she wouldnt wait until we ate dinner (but a good amount of times she did) until shed say "oh i forgot something at home" or "my stomach hurts" and id walk to her house with her (except the times when she'd tell me not to).

when i walked with her, she would always say "ill be right back" and then shed be gone for 10 minutes and her mom would come out and be like "hey... she doesnt feel well so she's going to say home". and each time i would walk home crying. at this point, she was already blowing me off, not talking to me, and overall being rude, but i still went back to her every time.

this rare occasion was in early september of 2017. we only hung out, and then she said she had someone else shes hanging w at her house. she had become friends with people that hated my sister as well as a girl that honestly no one knows. em started to become them... like literally she became a copy of them. the whole group of girls would tell her that my sister is a fat, ugly whore. they fed her all of this, and they would talk and call my sister names and generally talk shit about her

a few days after i heard abt this, i saw things from em that she was having a hard time. i was outside doing yard work, and she was walking by. i said "hey, i hope you feel better" and she yelled "fuck you" at me while, again, giving me the finger.

i dont know what i did, but that was the last time in years that we would talk to each other. we would be "friends" on the bus the few days she went to school sophomore year...

now, though? i dont exist to her. i saw her at my work TWICE this past year, once being on my recent birthday, and she pretended she didnt know me. i look the same as i did before... this most recent time, she was with her boyfriend, one of the friends from '17 and her mom. as i greeted them, everyone looked over except her... her mom even did a double take.

she claims she doesnt know why our friendship went to shit when we were toxic to each other our whole friendship. it was never healthy.

she seems to be happy though, at least happier than me. shes pregnant again. im not sure of the gender, but i think its going to be a boy. she's always wanted to be a mom, so i hope shes a good one.

[bluntz420x]

When was the last time you wore a full face of makeup? pft, full face? many years. but, the closest ive come since then was probably a few months ago.

Do you own an iPad? technically i still do, but it doesnt work anymore. i should pitch it.

Who was the last non-relative woman you spoke to in person? like legit spoke to, probably ari.

What’s the most hours you’ve worked in a week? psh i dont know that i want to know the actual answer to this lol. i only recently quit my second job, which was part time, but i still work my full time job. do the math lol.

Do you believe in karma? idk sometimes. good things happen to bad people, bad things happen to good people. all we can do is try.

What temperature is your thermostat currently set to? 72F. a/c because it is still summer.

What’s a topic you’ve drastically changed your opinion on? a lot of things, im sure. its been over 20 years since ive started developing opinions on my own. ;)

Are you a kind, thoughtful person? i try.

What’s an achievement you hope to see humanity accomplish in your lifetime? i dont care what people want to fuck, and im tired of someone's sexual orientation being the most important thing about them. i do not care, and i hope that soon no one else will either.

Do you know anyone who has a PhD? no one on a personal level.

Who were you dating in July 2010? Or were you single? i think i was mostly single that year actually. july i was probably single but mingling hard. that was a crazy year.

How do you feel when you’re the center of attention? uh it really depends lol. ive been the center for a lot of different reasons. i guess i dont mind now.

Would you rather be a nurse or a mechanical engineer? mechanical engineer. i dont like people and i think i would faint if i had to put needles in someone's flesh.

Do you like Starbucks chai lattes, or do you think they’re too sweet? ive never tried it. honestly ordering chai from an expensive coffee house, as a coffee enjoyer, sounds like a waste.

Are you and your SO facebook official? yes.

Do you know how to set a formal table setting for a 3+ course dinner? no.

Are you in a good mood today? im pretty all right actually.

Do you know anyone who works as a lawyer? not personally.

Which would bother you more: being told you’re not likable or being told you’re not sensible? being told im not sensible. i do not care if people like me, and that is usually what makes them like me lol. if i were to be told im not sensible, it would be akin to someone telling me im not intelligent, which will piss me off for sure.

Do you have a difficult time relating to other’s emotions? quite the opposite, to a fault!

How many bedrooms does your house have? two.

What was the last electronic item you bought? earbuds for kyle.

Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? hm, its probable, but not memorable.

Are there any trees in your yard? yes.

What are your most-used apps on your phone? i think siri suggestions show me used apps, right? gmail, chrome, snapchat, messages, reminders… xD i know i play a lot of rupauls drag race superstars and isekai: slow life tho.

Have you ever bathed in a river or a lake? bathed, no.

When you were 15, what did you want to grow up to be? ha good question. probably a writer. i didnt have serious ambition then.

Did you ever achieve that? no, i have never been published lol, but i can write whatever i want whenever i want, so in a way, yes. :P

Have you ever had a dream in which you died? yeah.

Have you bought a bag of potato chips in the past week? nope.

Does the thought of having wrinkles when you’re older upset you? no. dunno when thats gonna happen lol.

How often do you buy a new phone? it used to be closer to the 2yr mark, but now its whenever the old one stops working. the technology is so good anymore that getting something better is negligible at best.

Would you rather live in an apartment in the city, or a cabin in the woods? cabin in the fucking woods! i do not like people near enough to live in a city.

Do you use Snapchat? yes.

Have you ever driven or ridden on a motorcycle? i have ridden on one, i have never driven one.

If so, what’s the farthest you’ve traveled on one? maybe 3 miles one way, so 6 miles overall.

When was the last time you drank coffee? i am currently drinking a coffee drink!

Are you in any physical pain right now? uh i have a muscle in my back that is tight, and my legs hurt when i sit cross legged too long which i have done, so thats about it lol. self inflicted bullshit.

Have you ever used a dating app, like Tinder, Bumble, etc? i have before.

Do you know anyone who’s struggling with addiction? not currently, thankfully.

Are any other members of your household home right now? both the boys are home right now, because i am not and i have the car MUAAHAHAHA

What was your first job? And how long did you work there? schlotzsky's deli. 7mos i think.

What was your favorite school subject when you were in middle school? english, probably. ive loved english for a long time, since it stopped being language arts probably.

How is your day going so far? its okay.

What are you doing tomorrow? bedroom cleaning project! working from home in the morning, football practice for the boy tomorrow night.

What’s your favorite color? brown.

Are you watching television? nope.

What are you watching? i am not.

Do you watch any really lame shows? ha, i mean sure, i guess they could be considered lame.

Are you a bitch? everyone is a bitch of some kind.

Is there anyone of the opposite sex that you trust? yes, just one, kyle.

Do you hook up with random people? ive never fucked a random. i have made out with them though lol.

Are you afraid to fall in love? no. im afraid of losing him, if i were to be afraid of anything at all.

Do you believe that everyone deserves a second chance? no.

Once a cheater, always a cheater? lol no. i have cheated many times, in previous relationships.

What kind of mood are you in? decent. excited.

Do you take naps? i have periods where i take daily naps. im in a period where i rarely nap.

What time do you go to bed? i think we went to bed last night around 11pm.

Have you ever watched the show ‘Bad Girls Club’..? i have watched all of it! thats a "lame" show, haha. trashy. so good.

Are you an optimist or a pessimist? im a realist… 8)

Do you get jealous easily? nah.

Have you ever purposely made someone jealous? sure, probably.

Last beverage? mocha coffee drink.

Quick lyric from the last song you listened to? i havent listened to music today… i think the last one from yesterday was, "Don't push me 'cause I'm close to the edge / I'm tryin' not to lose my head"

Do you let things go to your head? the weed for sure, anything else probably not.

What kind of shampoo do you use? ha, a lot: aussie, bed head, mane & tail, head & shoulders, biosilk…

Have you ever felt completely defeated? yes.

Are you one to just give up? nope.

Do you know how to let go? ha! im trying.

What is your favorite pair of shoes you own? hm, probably my hey dudes right now.

Do you regret anything? i think its important to try to remove regret. everything we do makes us who we are. i dont regret who i am, nor do i regret any part of whats made me who i am, for better or for worse.

If you could go back and change 1 thing.. what would it be? nothing. see above, lol.

Do you have your own tv? yes.

What are you looking forward to? going home to my boys!

Is there someone you need to fix things with? ha, i dont need to fix shit with anyone.

Do you have a laptop? yes.

Are you an outgoing person? i can be.

What was the last thing you purchased online? hm, probably something goofy like a quick pack to a mobile game im playing, LOL.

Quick quote..? do it now cause tomorrow's not promised today. - ludacris

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason? no. everything happens and creates reason in the overarching story of your life. in that way, yes.

What kind of hair spray do you use? i do not.

What movie/s do you really wanna see? i wouldnt be able to list a single one.

Who makes you feel better when you’re dying inside? KYLE.

Is there someone you just can’t get enough of? kyle.

What helps you relax? cannabis and video games.

What color is your bra? coral.

!@$%^&*.. when you see that, what comes to mind? fucker

Does goodbye hurt? it can, duh.

[sweatersstyles]

HIIII happy (late) 4th of july!!

you are literally the sweet person to ever exist i can’t believe its been like 2 years since we last spoke. its crazy how time flies

oh noooo im sorry that happened to you :(( im glad ur doing better and taking good care of yourself 💓💓 wishing u a speedy recovery!

alsoooo good luck with house hunting! that must be so exciting!!looking for a new place to call home and making new memories in it! i just know youll find the most beautiful homey and perfect place!! im manifesting for u

im doing well!! not much happened except for school stuff but i just went to my first ever pit concert a few months ago! i saw the driver era (only because i thought ross lynch was hot lol) i didnt know what to expect for pit but i didn’t expect to stand for 8 hours straight 😭😭 AHHHH ALSO im seeing taylor swift in a few weeks and i literally cannot wait!!!!

im always thinking about u! talk to u soon!! good luck 🍀 love youuuuuuu!!! 💗💓💓💞💕

-🧸

happy late 4th of july to you too bestie!! I hope you had a great day!!

I'm sorry for the delay in answering this btw it's been storming here so my wi-fi has been in and out all day!

omg stop you're so kind to me I genuinely love talking to everyone and I consider you and many others here my friends so y'all make it easy to just repay the love I've been given!!

it's actually only been a year bub! I only know because I looked it up to refresh my memory about what we talked about before cause like I said a lot had happened and I couldn't remember if we'd talked since my accident. it was last year after my birthday and after harry's house came out. but really it's alright I don't want you to feel bad!

thank you so much for the well wishes ❤ I realized after that I left some detail out of what happened to me and didn't explain it very well, but if I ramble on too much just feel free to skip over it! basically not only was I kicked but I went flying about 8 feet across my yard too, which caused me to have a compression fracture on T11 of my spine. I also had a contusion on my right hip (which is just a really, really deep and bad bruise), which is where the point of impact was. I will (hopefully) continue to improve, but having arthritis still causes me to have a ton of pain if I do too much physical activity. that part of my spine is also partly collapsed and always will be, but my neurosurgeon said that as long as my arms and legs are still okay that I should just slowly start to get back to "normal" life and listen to my body as I go along! I asked if I needed to keep up with x-rays or anything over the years but he said my symptoms would get much, much worse if the collapse got any worse and I would know I need to come back to see him. he also said IF I would've had to have surgery that it would take like 12 pins and a huge rod to correct things so I'm so SO lucky that things weren't any worse!

thank you so much for helping us manifest!!! it means more than you'll ever know because it hasn't been easy so far trying to find a place 😔 we live in such a rural area in GA and we originally wanted to stay in the same town because I was supposed to start a new job in january and we wanted to be close to my work. I probably won't get to take that job now (which is a whole other long story), and since there are very limited options we're probably gonna have to broaden our search to surrounding towns that are slightly bigger! we ultimately want a house together, but I think we're gonna have to settle for an apartment for now until we can find the perfect place for us. anything would be better than here rn though!!!

idk if I've ever talked much about my dad to you but we have as no contact of a relationship as possible even though we live in the same house. he's the reason for my accident and so the day it happened and we were waiting for the ambulance to come my mom told him that we wouldn't be coming back to this house. but then we had no choice we didn't have the money or resources needed to go elsewhere. I was worried as I got better she would forget about that and slip out of that mindset, but thankfully she hasn't! she just told me tonight we'd probably go look at apartments next week and that she can't wait to get out of here. I could truly cry at the thought of having a safe, clean, and comfortable space away from him. it's what my mom, my siblings, and our dogs all deserve!

how is school going? how much longer do you have to go? and oohh I'm so happy you got to experience a concert in pit!! it's amazing but it is soooo exhausting I hope you got lots of rest afterward 😊 when I saw harry I wore my ankle support thing to my pit concert to because I knew my feet would be swollen the next day probably. and taylor swift that's so cool!! I'm very excited for you!! I hope you have the best time!!! where are your seats for that show?

I'm always thinking about you too!! seriously sometimes I'll just think about you or how you're doing so just know you're always getting any spare good vibes I have sent your way ✨ thank you thank you for the good luck!!! love you moreeeee 🤍

I was gonna tell you about getting to see stevie nicks and my road trip to see my little brother but I talked so much this time we'll save those stories for next time if you wanna hear about them!!

[inaworldlikethis52]

I don’t want to assume and over think bc what would that actually do. But I think it went like this for him as to why he fully ended things.

He most likely thought about us and how things been.

We met on the app a year ago, went on a few dates and they went very well & we had a connection. But he realized he was leaving for Denver and knew things weren’t going anywhere between us. But since it was his last days in town, he should make a move and kiss me. Not bc he’s a fuck boy or anything, but bc he was attracted to me and wanted to kiss me. So he did and things got more physical. When you’re in that moment, come on we’re humans. We messed around once more and then he would be leaving in a day or so. There was no good bye, maybe because he didn’t want to say good bye? Maybe he got scared. Maybe he just didn’t care at that point bc he was leaving.

When he left he probably didn’t realize how much I really started to like him. Until he got a bunch of my texts and wanting to FaceTime. But he had to keep him self busy, a new life in Denver.

eventually things would fade a bit and that’s okay, but he def saw I wanted to stay in contact. He must have still cared too but he was willing to talk to me.

Then his mom passing away and he was very rude to me. But maybe after a bit of thinking, he knew he was wrong to speak to me in that way and knew to reach out and apologize.

we reconnected again but then I got carried away and wanted to talk to him more and more and he saw it. He saw that I was pushy with it. This could be the first “red flags?” For him.

We didn’t talk for a bit again and then when he came back to town I wanted to see him.

We saw each other and man the connection and feelings. It was like he never left. We didn’t do anything that night but I went to see him after work bc I was so eager and excited he was back.

Maybe he thought about the possibility of us just picking up where he left off. And technically that weekend we got together and went out to eat. Maybe his feelings for me were coming back or as a man, he just wanted to hook up.

When we got back before we even went inside he kissed me. He was def drunk though. And then he was so drunk everything he was saying didnt make sense but same time did. He obviously had something going on to feel these things. He said he “don’t not want to fuck me” and then asked why do I see him or something and I said I like you and then he said he likes me too.

We ended up sleeping together. Our first time together after a year apart. I think it’s what we both wanted but it didn’t go amazing lol.

But then I left and idk how he felt but he texted the next day. We made plans to hang out that night but then something came up. Idk what was going through his head but he asked if I wanted go come over to his place later and man I could have. But he could have been drunk again. Or who knows. But I didn’t give in. We hung out the following day and slept together.

Idk what exactly happened after that bc we didn’t really talk or see each other for a month. Idk if at that point he was actually working or if he was seeing other girls. But the communication wasn’t there anymore. So what do I do? I text him more and more. I blow up his phone. ( red flag #2)

But this wasn’t the deal breaker. He knew I liked and cared about him. He said he needed some time to get back into things and catch up. This was me being so impatient bc I just wanted to be with him. I didn’t want to lose him again.

We texted and agreed we want to talk and see each other in person, so we made plans for that.

It finally happened but what I regret is not really asking what he was looking for again. We just talked about him and his texting and communication and how I communicate. And after that talk things got a bit better.

It was still hard to get together bc of him working so he says.

But then after a bit we finally got to see each other once a week and things felt ok.

Then I slept over and over stayed my welcome. ( red flag #3) maybe he realized like man this girl can’t stay still in bed and now is spending the whole day here. She doesn’t understand boundaries.

But we got passed that I think. We hung out a week later and talked. we both agreed we weren’t at the relationship point and agreed to take things slower and get to know each other better since he was gone for a year. But that same night we had unprotected sex. So not sure how that’s taking it slow.

The pregnancy scare and how I handled it. ( red flag #4)

And then the bumble thing. (Red flag #5)

Those would be my red flags for him to end things with me. I understand it from a guys pov. But it’s just been so up and down. Maybe other things going on in his head too. Maybe he didn’t want a relationship with me but liked the company. He was able to have sex once a week bc he knew I liked him and it would happen.

Or maybe just thinking of everything he just knew it wasn’t meant to be us.

I think the last two is what did it for us. He didn’t want to have another abortion. And I should have considered his feelings before I just said I would get one. But too much was going through my head at that moment. Yes I know it’s life and it happens but it was the first time it happened to me. I reacted badly. We’re humans and I was scared.

Then with bumble he def saw I was looking at his profile but if you really didn’t have anything to hide you would have just left it.

But now he unmatched me from there and not sure if it’s bc he’s done with me completely or just wants me to stop looking at his profile.

Man. What a roller coaster it’s been.

[dogboyboyshorts]

OK NOW TIME FOR SOME SPLAIN'N

so the reason i haven't been on for the past... two months? is because i gave myself a rule about logging back on. see i had been reading clive barker's books of blood, the first volume, and while i did enjoy it, it was taking a bit so i was like ok. how about im not allowed to open tumblr until i finish this book (and at that point, the last two stories were "sex, death, and starshine" and "in the hills, the cities"). and i procrastinated on finishing it. for TWO MONTHS. but im back now! and im glad i took the time off because i had a great time and it was really helpful for clearing my head of brainrot

for the next week, maybe two weeks, idk maybe less, im just gonna be on like normal, but after that im going to try to finish at least one short story in-between log-ons. so im planning on getting the second volume of books of blood, and then once im done with all of those im moving onto jorge luis borges. hopefully this means my usage will be spaced out enough that i wont get turbo brainrot, and hopefully this will also incentivize me to read more since ive been struggling with that all year. so if i disappear again, dont worry! im just likely just procrastinating and am probably having a great time in the real world. or just on other sites besides this one, lol

i realized i mentioned i've been on pinterest, but i also realized i forgot to link my username! you can find me on pinterest here and on reddit here, and if ive been offline on tumblr for a while, you can probably contact me through there if you wanna check up on me.

STUFF IVE BEEN DOING:

over the period i was absent i managed to get cast in, rehearse for, and then perform a one-act play at my local theater over two weekends! as you can imagine our schedule was pretty tight, but i think we managed to pull it off really well considering everything. ive also been taking some classes that have been super duper interesting and i wont say too much cuz i dont want to dox myself, but i have been learning some rudimentary asl and its very enriching for a poor little boy such as me.

comic books! after exactly a year away i went back to the original joe kelly run of deadpool, and lo and behold it was just as great as people said it was! besides that im making my way through the utterly massive chris claremont run of x-men comics, with the help of some handy omnibuses i've acquired online. be prepared for nightcrawlerposting. i literally started the series because i thought he was cute and im so glad i did. and im also reading doom patrol!!!!!! im nearly done with grant morrison's run (i have like five issues left??? crazy) and then im gonna be moving on to the rachel pollack run, and after that, im skipping right to the gerard way run!

IN THE FUTURE

its october now which means im going to try to watch all the horror movies i didnt last year. and we're also coming up on one year of genocide so i want to be able to help at least somewhat, at least a little bit more than i already have been. ill be making a separate post for this but im planning on opening a few donation commission slots, maybe five, maybe just three. ive been struggling to output anything artwise so i hope drawing something for someone else can make that easier for me.

anyway, good to see everyone again! here's hoping things turn out okay for all of us. brace yourselves for a tumult of fandomposting after this message, ive been itching to dive back into the tagsearch for too long!

HEY GUYS HI

OK!!! HELLO!!!! YES IVE BEEN DOING FINE ITS GOOD TO SEE YOU. IM GOING TO CHECK MY NOTIFS REAL QUICK AND THEN ILL GIVE AN EXPLANATION