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cheesybadgers · 6 months

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Narcos Fic: Old Habits Die Hard (Chap. 21)

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9, Chapter 10, Chapter 11, Chapter 12, Chapter 13, Chapter 14, Chapter 15, Chapter 16, Chapter 17, Chapter 18, Chapter 19, Chapter 20, Chapter 22, Chapter 23, Chapter 24

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Pairing: Javier Peña x Horacio Carrillo

Words: 7,356

Summary: After arriving in Manizales, Horacio introduces Javier to his family, leading to a long overdue heart-to-heart and a drinking game with a twist.

Warnings: 18+ ONLY. Discussions of coming out, grief, parental loss, canon-typical violence, allusions to period-typical prejudices, drinking game, smoking, swearing.

Notes: Firstly, I will soften the blow of leaving it so long since my last update with the news that chapter 22 will be posted within the next week or so! I decided to split it in half to give more space to the conversations between the characters. So, hopefully that will make up for my elongated silence lol.

Secondly, I finished drafting the rest of the fic at the end of last year 👀 So, I just need to complete editing on chapter 23 and the epilogue. Then, and I can't believe I'm actually saying this, it will be time to leave these two messy idiots to it.

I think it will take me some time to get my head around it coming to an end, not least of all because it's been almost 3 years since I started working on this behemoth. And I can't believe how much has happened/changed since then, yet my love for this ship and this story has stayed strong and close to my heart. So, a bit of a premature thank you to anyone who has supported it at any point since March 2021, it's been quite the emotional rollercoaster ❤️ As always, I love hearing from my readers, so feel free to drop me a comment/message!

I’ve also added to my OHDH trivia post to cover this chapter if anyone is interested.

Chapter 21: For Old Times' Sake

A haze of mist hung low on the horizon, clinging to the rolling waves of verdant peaks that bled seamlessly together with worn asphalt until it was impossible to tell where the sky began and the earth ended.

Luckily, the tyres of the hire car were built for rougher terrain, and it wasn’t the first time Horacio had driven this route. Admittedly, it would have been easier to fly. But this had the added benefit of giving Javier a taste of undiscovered territory.

If truth be told, it gifted them more time to mentally prepare for what was getting closer with every hour that passed, each stop off to admire the view and refresh a stubborn way to prolong the status quo.

Progress had been slow for the last hour as the congested traffic crawled along the sharp angles of the road with its treacherous drops only a few inches away. They had come to a standstill behind a bus that allowed passengers off to take photos, and with little room to manoeuvre around the vehicle, a trail of cars had no choice but to wait.

Javier lounged back in the passenger seat, one foot resting on the opposite knee, his elbow leaning on the door, and the window half open.

He watched Horacio’s hands on the steering wheel alternate between clenching and tapping, a particular kind of rigidity returning to his jaw for the first time in months – if not years.

Javier made an executive decision by reaching into the glove box. He pulled out an emergency pack of cigarettes and a lighter they had stashed away before setting off from Medellín.

He lifted one out of the pack and sparked up. “So, did you say it’s a farm we’re heading to?” There was no point asking the obvious, so distraction it was.

“A coffee farm on the outskirts of the city, yeah. It belongs to Fabián’s family. He and his brother, Santiago, do the bulk of the work now their father’s winding down.”

“Sounds nice. And kinda familiar.”

Horacio’s eyes finally left the windshield and met Javier’s with a shadow of a smile. “Yeah, it does. A lot hillier than Texas, though.”

“Well, that wouldn’t be hard.” Javier held out his smoke across the car, their first one that wasn’t post-coital in a long time. But needs must.

Horacio apparently agreed as he accepted it with a huff of resignation. “Fine, one for the road.”

“I think it’s allowed on roads like this one.”

“I did warn you.”

“Hey, no, I like it. Keeps you on your toes.”

“It reminds me of when Papá drove us to visit Tia Salomé and Tio Jairo in Bogotá. He and Mamá let us have sweets for the long journey but warned us the Mareco would take them away if we didn’t behave.”

“The Mareco?”

“La Leyenda del Mareco. It was a story we were told as kids. The Mareco’s a red devil that looks like a lizard on two legs. He steals children’s candy and conjures up a whirlwind to blow them away if they don’t obey their parents.”

Javier nodded in recognition as Horacio passed their cigarette back. “La Llorona was the story used to scare me and my cousins.”

“Oh yeah, we got that one as well.”

“I gotta say, the Mareco explains a lot.”

“About what?”

“About how you developed a problem with authority.”

“What’s your excuse then?”

“What can I say? I was led astray.”

It was a blatant lie, but Javier didn’t care when it caused laughter lines to materialise in the corner of Horacio’s eyes.

“We both know you were drawn to it as much as you resented it.”

“Only where you were concerned. Anyway, you were just as bad even though you'd never admit it.”

“Maybe you were my exception too.”

A moment of silence fell as memory after memory collided, snapshots of how the push and pull between them had evolved with their relationship.

"Listen, I was thinking,” Javier started before taking a drag, “would it make things easier if you wore this? Just while we’re here, I mean.”

Horacio’s gaze drifted to Javier’s exposed skin, the taillights of the car in front catching on the crucifix at his chest. “No,” he said matter-of-factly. “It’s yours now.”

By the time their cigarette was finished, the traffic edged forward, and the road ahead and Javier’s hand on Horacio’s leg soon replaced conversation.

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Two and a half hours and several bursts of heavy rain later, the muddied hire car pulled up by a complex of buildings nestled amongst a sea of lush green and vibrant flowers. The buildings sat atop steep slopes of vegetation that led to the coffee plantations below, the foggy skyline above etched with rugged ridges and the ominous outline of Nevado del Ruiz in the distance.

Any sounds from life on a working coffee farm were drowned out by birdsong and their feet crunching beneath them as Horacio and Javier walked up the gravel path towards the main finca. It was typical in its style with a rustic tiled roof, whitewashed bricks and wooden pillars around its perimeter painted in the same shade of terracotta red as the doors and window frames. At the back of the property was a large garden with a patio area, pool and a spectacular view for miles on a clear day.

As they lugged their suitcases onto the porch, Alejandra waited to greet them at the front door. Her dark hair was styled in a bob with waves bordering on curls, the kind Javier imagined Horacio could grow if he wasn’t so insistent on keeping his hair short. At least since leaving the CNP, he had been less strict about cutting it.

The family resemblance between the two siblings was evident in their facial features, particularly in the shape of their noses, charcoal eyes and Cupid’s bows. But Alejandra was a few inches shorter, and her frame was slimmer on account of not carrying the same muscle as Horacio.

“The wanderer finally returns,” Alejandra announced as she pulled Horacio in for a long hug, neither of them keen to be the first to let go. “At least you remembered how to use the phone before turning up on my doorstep.”

“Of course. It's good to see you. But I am sorry I left it so long. There’s, erm…a lot to catch up on.”

“I’ll say.” She peered curiously behind Horacio. “But first, let me say hello to this handsome new face.”

She all but pushed Horacio to one side, forgoing any formal introductions he might have had planned. All Horacio could do was stand and watch two parts of his life converge that, for a long time, he believed would never – and could never – meet.

Javier had hung back by several feet, his hands self-consciously stuffed into the pockets of his jeans as he kept his eyes on the ground until he was spoken to.

“Hi there, I’m Alejandra. You must be Javier?”

“Oh, er, yeah, hi.” For reasons unbeknownst to Javier, he raised his hand in a stiff wave rather than the relaxed handshake he had planned and felt the heat instantly rise in his cheeks. “Pleasure to finally meet you. Beautiful place you’ve got up here.”

“Likewise. And thanks.” Much to Javier's relief, she took the lead and held out a hand for him to shake with a reassuring smile. “Although you’ve got Fabián to thank for that. He’s down there giving a tour to one of our new buyers.” Alejandra turned back to face Horacio. “Mamá’s shopping for school supplies and tonight’s dessert with Juan José, Sofía and Mateo. Ana María’s out with friends. But they should all be back in the next few hours.”

Horacio nodded but remained taciturn, keeping to himself his strong suspicions that Alejandra had made sure she was the only one to greet them upon arrival.

“Come on, you can show Javier around whilst I make us something to eat and drink.”

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It had been a long time since Horacio’s last visit, but he could just about remember the layout of the place. He took Javier through the downstairs rooms, moving from the hall to the living areas and then the kitchen, which appeared tidier now than in his dreams.

The décor was all tiled or wooden floors and earthy tones, contrasting against large airy windows that made the landscape outside seem like a part of the finca. Evidence of three generations and two cats was scattered everywhere in the form of toys, games, videos, tapes, books, various coffee products and photographs from over the years. In one corner stood a home altar containing a large crucifix, prayer cards, rosary beads, candles, and a statue of Virgen de Chiquinquirá. In the opposite corner was a shelf full of old vinyl with Lucho Bermúdez taking pride of place, naturally.

Upstairs housed six bedrooms and three bathrooms, on account of the brood of four children, three adults and a spare room. The spare room was their last stop, where they dumped their luggage, sharing an amused glance at the double bed with a smaller fold-out one laid out in the corner with a pile of fresh sheets.

“As your guest, I take it I get the bigger one?” Javier asked with a spark of mischief in his eye.

“Well, technically, I’m also a guest here. And I did do all the driving.”

“Maybe I’ll, er, flip you for it later.”

Horacio merely raised a brow at the suggestion in Javier’s tone before they headed back downstairs.

They sat under cover of the terrace in the wildly growing garden, just in case the rain returned, which was always a distinct possibility in Manizales. An impressive platter of fruits was laid out on the table alongside freshly made coffee.

“So, how was the wedding?” Alejandra asked as she poured from a pot into three cups, the dark, rich aroma diffusing into the same crisp air the beans were grown and harvested.

Horacio accepted a cup with a thanks and passed the other to Javier. “It was nice. Good to see everyone again.”

“How’s Trujillo doing? It’s been strange seeing his face all over the news.”

Rather than his, Horacio thought with a strange lurch to the gut he wasn’t expecting. “He’s doing well; he’s a Major now. He deserves some happiness after everything.”

“He’s not the only one.”

Alejandra gave Horacio a pointed look, one he wasn’t ready to entirely meet, so he reached for a slice of guayaba instead.

“And Javier...I take it this is your first visit to Manizales?” she continued, offering him the fruit tray.

“Thanks. And yeah, it is. Never got the time to explore much beyond Bogotá and Medellín.” That wasn't exactly true, but Javier didn’t think talk of Cartagena or Tolú would be welcome right now.

“Well, I hope it won’t be your last.”

Horacio could feel another look directed his way but pretended not to notice it and sipped on his coffee.

Once they had eaten their weight in fruit, Alejandra had some business calls to make, leaving Javier and Horacio to unpack and freshen up before reconvening to make a start on dinner.

Of course, it had to be sudado de pollo. Horacio and Alejandra worked as a team, issuing sporadic instructions to Javier when necessary. But he was happy listening to them catch up and reminisce.

“That smells amazing already,” Javier said as he finely chopped onions across a wooden board, gesturing to the dishful of chicken thighs that Alejandra had just finished marinating.

“Mamá’s secret blend,” she replied as she set the dish aside to move on to dicing several tomatoes.

“Oh yeah? What would I have to do to get the recipe for that?” Javier reflexively caught Horacio’s eye across the kitchen.

“If we told you, we’d have to kill you.” Horacio shot Javier a warning look that indicated he was only half joking before focusing intently on cutting up a large batch of yuca and potatoes.

“Yeah, not even Fabián knows.”

“Papá never knew either. But he was happy for us or Mamá to make it for him.”

“My Mamá was the same with her Abuela’s morisqueta. Although, not long before she passed, she left me and my Pops the recipe.”

Alejandra paused her knife to look up at Javier, the surprise on her face soon transforming into recognition and sympathy. “I bet it’s delicious. You should make it for us some time.”

Now it was Horacio’s turn to stop, his eyes travelling from Alejandra to Javier and back again as the implication of his sister’s words hung as heavy in the kitchen as the aromatic spices of her marinade.

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Once the chicken and vegetables were all prepped and placed in a pot on the stove, the front door opened and closed, a loud chatter of voices soon filling the hallway.

Before Javier knew what was happening, he was being introduced to the children, shaking hands with Fabián, then kissing Elena’s cheek.

“Welcome, Javier. It’s good to put a face to a name at last,” Elena said, thoroughly taking in his appearance, apparently satisfied with what she saw.

At last. Javier wasn’t sure whether those words put him at ease or made him more nervous, but he managed to push such thoughts behind a smile. “Nice to meet you, and likewise.”

Javier had briefly seen pictures of Horacio’s family in the past. But he, too, spent time studying Elena now that he was close enough to smell the floral notes of her perfume. Neat oval glasses and a mix of dark and light grey hair cut short and choppy framed her sharp features, the shape of her nose and Cupid’s Bow matching those of her children.

“No thanks to this one here, mind you.” Despite her chastisement, Elena embraced her son tightly, reluctant to let go. “I think he’s been hiding from us.”

“You know it wasn’t like that, Mamá.” Although, over his Mamá’s head, Horacio gave Javier a sheepish look that said otherwise. “It is good to see you. And I’m sorry I left it so long.”

Upon greeting his nieces and nephews, Horacio was struck by how much they had all grown up since his last visit. Ana María was the spitting image of her mother. Juan José was several inches taller than Horacio and resembled his father more than ever. And Mateo and Sofía had presumably become resentful of all the matching outfits in their younger years of being twins, going out of their way to dress as differently from each other as possible. Once they had said their obligatory hellos, they scattered around the house and no doubt wouldn’t re-appear until dinner was ready.

Right on cue, when Alejandra brought out steaming and brimming plates full of sudado de pollo, everyone rapidly took their places around the table.

Silence fell as they tucked in, the warmth and comfort of childhood cocooning Horacio from what he knew was inevitable. A welcomed interruption from his thoughts came with a soft brush against his leg, his instincts telling him it was one of the cats issuing their own greeting. But he should have known better.

As they ate and endured the usual family small talk, Javier's foot became Horacio's anchor, subtle and soothing rubs against his ankle unseen under the table. Steady, grounding, home.

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Horacio carried the last few empty plates to the kitchen, where piles of dishes were already stacked high. He had left Javier with Juan José and Mateo, who were showing off the latest video games they had got for Christmas – and were comfortably beating Javier at them, too.

“I’ll wash; you dry. For old times’ sake,” Alejandra said without looking up from the sink where she was filling the basin with water and suds.

“Okay. On the condition we both tidy everything away afterwards.”

“Deal. You’ll just put it in the wrong place unsupervised anyway.”

Horacio swatted the tea towel he’d picked up in her direction, only for her to retaliate by flicking bubbles in his hair.

“We did okay with dinner, didn’t we? I haven’t made that in a long time,” Horacio said.

“You had a good teacher.”

“So did you.”

“Oh, I know. I think that’s why Papá always loved it. We were all in there somewhere.”

“Like our Christmas tamales.”

“Oh, yeah, he couldn’t get enough of those. Remember we always had to make an extra batch for him to take to work?”

“He said they were to share with his unit, but I’m not sure many made it that far.”

Now they were laughing as they worked in tandem, Alejandra changing the water as Horacio cleared the draining board, ready for the next load.

“Did you ever feel like you let him down?” Horacio asked after a long silence, both siblings seemingly waiting for the other to fill it.

“Of course. You know Papá didn’t approve of Fabián at first, right?”

“What?”

“You must’ve heard the arguments?”

“To be fair, there were plenty of arguments between you and Papá.”

“Yeah, and they were mostly about me daring to marry someone other than a cop.”

“That’s what it was about?”

“Mostly. It wasn’t that he didn’t like Fabián; I just think he had suitors picked out for me. People he knew he could trust.”

“But they got along in the end, didn’t they?”

“Once Papá had got over himself, yeah.” Alejandra let out a nostalgic laugh, which Horacio quickly joined in with. “He could be tough when he wanted to be, but…he meant well,” she settled on. “Once he saw how happy I was and how Fabián had taken after his father with the farm, he came around. It was never personal with Papá. It’s just the way he was.”

“So, you don’t think he’d be disappointed in me…” Horacio paused to swallow, his throat drier than a Texan summer. “For quitting?” he got out eventually.

Alejandra gave Horacio a look he’d seen countless times over the years. One only a big sister could give her little brother when she had to feign ignorance of something she had already discovered for herself. The perks of being the eldest.

“How did you know?”

“Horacio, are you really asking that of someone who has been surrounded by cops all her life?”

Horacio rolled his eyes but let Alejandra have that one unchallenged.

“I thought you might have been discharged on medical grounds, to be honest. I hoped you’d seen sense. Or maybe met someone.”

“I wasn’t discharged, but I negotiated a payout after my injury.”

Alejandra released a self-satisfied hum, a whisp of a smile threatening to break free from the corners of her mouth. “Two out of three’s not bad, I suppose.”

Horacio gulped hard enough for Alejandra to hear; he had no doubt about that. But no words followed, not even when he caught her eye.

“You love him, don’t you?” It wasn’t an accusation or an interrogation. In fact, it was barely even a question.

“Yes.” It caught Horacio off guard how fast he answered. How direct and concise he’d been.

“And he loves you.” There was no pretence of a question mark now, but rather a clarification of a well-established fact. A rite of passage both parties needed to hear.

“He does.”

“Enough to walk away from it all, too.”

Horacio nodded, scared the lump in his throat would give way to something else as his glassy gaze met Alejandra’s.

“His father – Chucho – owns a ranch in Laredo, Texas. That’s where I went after…” he trailed off, not wishing to dwell on the finer details of the ambush. “I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you. I hated lying after everything we’ve been through. But I figured the less you and Mamá knew, the safer it was.”

“I had a feeling you’d left Colombia. But Texas?” Alejandra blew out a low whistle. “That’s the part we’ll need to prepare Mamá for.”

“They’re Mexican-American. And the ranch is right on the border by the river.”

“I’d lead with that part if I were you. Not sure you can avoid a lecture about fraternising with Spanish colonisers, though. Twice.”

“I got that the first time I moved over there. But she went quiet when I reminded her Madrid was good enough for Simón Bolívar.”

Alejandra’s shoulders shook in unison with Horacio’s until a comfortable silence fell between them.

“So, you were there a whole year?”

“Just over. I couldn’t do much to help for the first few months – whilst this healed.” Horacio flexed his right arm to prove to Alejandra that everything was back in working order. “But it was good to have a routine eventually.”

“Wait a minute…you worked on the ranch?”

“No need to sound so surprised when you live here. I was actually pretty good at it. And I liked it.” Although Horacio understood and returned his sister’s bemusement because even he had shocked himself.

“No, I’m not. It’s just…oh, Horacio...” Alejandra broke off to bring her hand to his cheek, her brow creased, but her eyes caught between being on the brink of a smile and tears. “Look at you.”

Horacio made a show of wiping away the suds from his cheekbone, hoping he wouldn’t still have an audience afterwards. But no such luck. “It’s not what I expected to happen – any of it. But it just....felt right. I know that probably doesn’t make sense.”

“Actually, it makes perfect sense.”

“Does it?”

“Well, for starters, I can see the appeal. Obviously. Can’t blame you for going for a younger man, either. And taller.”

Horacio rolled his eyes and hoped his face didn’t look as hot as it felt. “Not by that much. On either count.”

“Hey, no judgment from me. But seriously, of course, it makes sense. I know we all used to joke about you being married to your job, but…after Juliana, I did wonder if there was more to it than that.”

“I think burying myself in work killed two birds with one stone.”

“It was killing you.”

“I know.”

“And Papá would have told you the same.”

A hollow laugh escaped Horacio’s throat, Martínez’s words from the wedding still ringing intrusively in his ears. “I’d have been kicked out of the force. He’d have made sure of that. And I wouldn’t have blamed him.”

“Right, because you were the first officer on Colombian soil to commit violence or be used as a political weapon.”

“He was against it, Alejandra. La Violencia was enough for anyone to see in a lifetime.”

But that was just another in a long line of civil wars. Even if his father's life hadn’t been cut short, he would have seen yet another bloody outbreak in which the state did more to perpetuate the death toll than bring peace to the country. And Horacio had plenty of blood on his hands. At least his Papá was spared witnessing that.

“And you don’t think he was ever put in a compromising position back then? You don’t think La Violencia was why he didn’t want the same for you? You won’t remember much, and Mamá and Papá never spoke about it around us, but I got pretty good at listening through doors.”

“He never did talk about it. Even when I was older.”

Not that he really needed to, Horacio conceded. Even though they were kept relatively safe and away from the violence in Medellín compared to other regions of Antioquia – particularly the rural parts – he had heard enough over the years to fill in the blanks.

He remembered his Mamá’s stories of helping the displaced, those who sought refuge in the city. Thousands who had been forced to flee the violence and start over again, often in makeshift housing on the outskirts, the irony never lost on Horacio that one of those neighbourhoods became Comuna 13. But for all his Mamá’s tales and the work she continued to do until she left for Manizales, his Papá never spoke about those years.

“He was protecting you. Like Mamá was with us after he died. Sometimes silence is easier.”

“I know. I get it. Before he died, the cocaine trade hadn’t got going in Colombia yet. It was mostly marijuana. But with FARC around and the gringos spreading their anti-communist propaganda, he knew it was a question of when, not if, another war was coming. I think he hoped things would be different this time.”

“You did what you had to do, Horacio. Just like he did. Just like every generation of our family did to survive. What’s done is done.”

“I’m not sure you’d say that if you knew everything.”

“You think I never heard any of the rumours out here? Or picked up a newspaper once in a while?”

“You never said anything.”

Alejandra shot Horacio a cutting glare, the kind he was an expert at delivering, but only a select few could get away with throwing back at him. “I knew you wouldn’t talk about it even if I asked.”

Horacio scoffed. Touché. “Not all of it was true.”

It was Alejandra’s turn to laugh. “Well, I kinda figured you weren’t dead after you called.”

“I don’t just mean the ambush.”

“I know,” she said briskly.

But Horacio couldn’t ignore the relief in her body language. Even though he understood it, a wave of shame hit him for even planting a seed of doubt in her – his older sister, the mother of his nieces and nephews – mind in the first place.

“But that’s all in the past now,” he concluded, shutting down his own train of destructive thought. “And you’re right; Papá’s not here. But Javier is.”

“So your future’s in Laredo, then.”

“Are you mad?”

“Am I mad that my little brother is finally getting his shit together and is head over heels in love? Oh, yeah, I’m livid.”

An inferno had spread across Horacio’s cheeks, and he struggled to think of a response. But luckily for him, Alejandra wasn’t done yet.

“It’s…safe, though, right? For you both to live together?”

“As safe as anywhere else. Every country has its problems. I’m sure there’ll always be people with something to say. But we’ve been careful.”

“Just promise me you’ll keep being careful.”

“We will, I promise.”

“I can’t guarantee I’ll convince Mamá to visit in the summer, though.”

“That’s fair. But you do think she’ll want to visit?”

“She might be strong, but we know what she lost – what we all lost. So, if there’s a chance for you to share your life with someone as she did with Papá, to be safe – to be happy after everything – yeah, I think she'll want to visit.”

“Do you think Papá would if he could?” Horacio knew it was a loaded grenade of a question and unfair to ask. But he couldn’t help himself.

Alejandra hesitated, seemingly aware she was between a rock and a hard place. “Maybe in his old age. Or if he knew Javier saved your life.”

“How did –?”

She expelled a comedically dramatic sigh. “Keep up, manito. When you called, you told me the DEA came after you that night. I don’t need to hold a badge to guess who that was.”

Horacio was banged to rights once more as he tried to recall the exact information he had relayed to Alejandra in the hours after the ambush; evidently, it was more than he thought.

“He – and his partner, Steve – went against orders and got suspended for helping me and my men.”

“So, they took a leaf out of your book then?”

“Something like that.”

Before Horacio could overthink it, he took a deep breath and told Alejandra everything. From the blackmail to his and Javier’s resignations to their year in Madrid, it all came tumbling out whilst she kept washing and he kept drying. Just like old times. Just like their Papá was in the next room along with their Mamá. And in so many ways, he always would be, not as a ghost of their past, but forever a part of their present and future.

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Arriving during the week had its advantages, as it wasn’t necessary for Horacio to make excuses to get an early night. Work and school beckoned in the morning for most of the household, so the evening had ended in a low-key fashion.

That was more than fine by Horacio after a long drive and an overdue heart-to-heart. He lay on his side, his back nestled into Javier’s chest in the centre of the spare room’s double bed. They made up the fold-out bed for pretences, but it was purely extra space to store their luggage.

A bedside lamp and hints of moonlight peaking around the edges of the curtains cast the room in soft shadows, the low murmur of a telenovela in one of the nearby bedrooms the only sound to be heard at this hour.

“How old were you there?” Javier asked, his voice muffled against Horacio’s shoulder where he’d temporarily paused his trail of kisses after picking out one of several framed photos on the wall.

“The one from Alejandra’s wedding? I’d have been 24.”

“Cute curls.” Javier’s nose nuzzled against the back of Horacio’s head, which was sadly lacking the same unruliness as in the photo.

“Fuck you.”

Javier sniggered. “Hey, I was being serious! They suit you. Plus…more to grab hold of.” He slid a hand into Horacio’s hair as his mouth resumed its work along bare skin.

Horacio’s back arched with a sigh as he leaned into Javier’s touch. “You know we can’t get carried away. Not here.”

“I know.” Of course, Javier understood. It was one thing for him to have sneaked in and out of the guesthouse back in Laredo; it was quite another to be under the same roof as Horacio’s whole family. But that didn’t stop the almost petulant tone in Javier’s voice. He was still human, after all.

“I promise we��ll make up for it once we leave.”

“I’ll hold you to that.”

Despite their flirtation, exhaustion was thick in their throats and pressed heavily on their limbs, pushing them closer towards sleep as the butterflies in their stomachs finally settled.

“The wedding wasn’t that long after Papá died. Alejandra asked me to give her away instead. At first, I didn’t think I deserved to take Papá’s place. But I think she needed me there with her, so, I said yes.”

“Of course you did, and I bet she never forgot that.”

“No, and I’ll never forget tonight."

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It was still dark in the spare room when Javier stirred and untangled himself from Horacio as slowly as possible. He had woken up thirsty and threw on a precautionary pair of jeans before tiptoeing down the wooden staircase towards the kitchen.

The clock on the oven read 01:30am, so he wasn't expecting to find the spotlights above it switched on. He searched through the cupboards until he found a tumbler and filled it with water from the tap, taking large gulps until the glass was drained.

“So, you’re a night owl too, then?”

“Shit!” Javier hissed, spinning around with a sharp intake of breath, almost dropping the glass on the tiled floor.

“Sorry,” Alejandra whispered. “I was just reading before heading off to bed.”

“Oh, no, it’s fine. I just needed some water. Didn’t think anyone else would be up.” Javier was suddenly very aware of the fact he was standing half naked in the middle of the kitchen, Horacio’s necklace like a flashing beacon at his chest. “Obviously,” he added with an awkward huff, looking down at his state of semi-undress.

“Right,” Alejandra replied with a stifled laugh. “How about you avoid catching a chill whilst I find something a bit more…authentic than tap water?”

Once Javier came back downstairs with his chest now covered, Alejandra was sat at the kitchen table with two shot glasses and a bottle of aguardiente.

“Not sure my stomach can handle any more of that after the wedding.”

“Lightweight. And just think of it as an initiation.”

Javier sighed in defeat, accepting the challenge as he took a seat opposite Alejandra.

She unscrewed the bottle and tipped measures into each glass. “Wanna make this more interesting?”

“What do you have in mind?”

“Three shots, three questions each. But you can only ask a question after you’ve emptied your glass.”

Javier laughed for a second, unsure what he imagined Alejandra to be like, yet somehow, she surprised him anyway. “Okay. Already sounds better than every other icebreaker inflicted on me. Who goes first?”

“Guest’s choice.”

He stared down at his glass as though it was the barrel of a gun, remembering why he had eventually insisted whiskey was his and Horacio’s go-to drink. When he first arrived in Colombia, Horacio would offer him a shot, pouring liberally from the stash of aguardiente in his office drawer, and Javier accepted on multiple occasions. But it was over and done with like a spoonful of caustic medicine. At least whiskey could be drunk slower and delayed saying goodnight.

That wasn't the order of things now, though. So, Javier grabbed the bull by the horns and threw back his glass, wincing at the aniseed burn as it slid down his throat.

“New rule: you’ve got 30 seconds to come up with a question. Otherwise, you take another shot.”

“Alright, alright, I’m thinking.”

Alejandra’s gaze fell on the oven clock, ramping up the pressure. “10 seconds left…”

“Okay. I’ve got one. What was it like growing up with a younger brother?”

“Annoying, obviously. Especially after he got the highest grade in his English class. I don’t know where he picked them up, but he knew all the swear words. Of course. He drove me crazy testing them out.”

“He did that to my old partner, Steve – his Spanish isn’t great, and Horacio sure liked to remind him whenever he got the chance.”

“Sounds about right. No wonder he liked you – best of both worlds.”

“Maybe.” Javier knew what Alejandra meant, but it didn’t stop heat from spreading through his cheeks regardless.

“He was generally pretty quiet at school,” Alejandra continued, "but not afraid to take the lead…or break a few rules.”

“Again, I’m not surprised.”

“Nope.” They both laughed at that. “He always liked to be moving, though. Doing something with his hands. Or playing sports – he was a good runner. We used to race each other around Jardín Botánico, and he would always beat me. I think he already knew he was in training for the Academy. So, obviously, he was accepted. No doubt some thought he got a free pass, but he was determined to prove himself. Then he had to grow up.”

The joviality faded abruptly from Alejandra’s face, transforming into a wistful smile.

“We both did. But at least I’d had more time with Papá. Good job I did have those few years to myself ‘cos Horacio followed him around like a shadow. Until he couldn’t. Then he thought he had to be the man of the house. Even when there were two much more qualified women for the job.”

“He thought it was his duty."

“Yeah. He did.” There was something akin to awe in how Alejandra looked at Javier, as though she was simultaneously taken aback and impressed that someone summed up and understood her brother so accurately and succinctly.

“Isn’t it your turn, now?” Javier asked after a moment of silence.

Without further hesitation, Alejandra downed her shot. “Why Colombia?”

“Why not Colombia?” He tried a feeble laugh but knew that wouldn't cut it. “I studied Gabriel García Márquez in high school. Although, can’t say I really got him at the time. Took me another try when I was older.”

Now he thought about it, Javier wasn’t convinced he exactly got him the second time around either, considering García Márquez’s views on extradition aligned fiercely with Horacio’s. But that was the luxury of hindsight.

“By then, my Mamá had long since passed, my fiancée had just become my ex, and I had no fucking clue what I was doing with my life. Guess I needed to get lost in someone else’s problems for a while.”

“Tell me about it.” Alejandra held a book up in the air that had been abandoned on the table since Javier joined her.

“Smart move. My teacher loved telling us how García Márquez moved to Mexico and wrote One Hundred Years of Solitude over there. And with how things went down in Laredo, I could see the appeal of starting over in another country. Mexico was…too close to home. The drug war was getting out of hand. More and more agents were being transferred. And what’s the line?” Javier broke off, eyes cast towards the ceiling as he licked his lips in concentration. “‘We came’, they said, ‘because everyone is coming’.”

Alejandra let a pause of bewilderment pass between them as she studied Javier with intrigue. “You’re not at all like the other gringos he’s worked with in the past.”

“Did he bring any of them home to his family?”

“No. You’re the first. As I’m sure you're aware.”

“Maybe.”

“Drink up.”

Javier did as he was told, repressing a cough as the potent liquid worked its magic. “Why did you choose farm life over being a cop?”

Alejandra laughed a little too loudly, considering the time. “There are other career choices, you know.”

Javier gasped. “There are?”

“Hard to believe, isn’t it? But that’s not quite how it went for me. The farm came with Fabián. They’re sort of a package deal. I’m sure you can understand that.” She threw Javier a knowing smile. “But I ruled out being a cop years before I moved here or met Fabián. I knew from Papá that women in the force were few and far between back then. They’re still pretty scarce now. I wasn’t up for putting myself in the firing line being a General’s daughter. They never would have respected me or believed I got there on my own merit. I didn’t want to spend my life trying to gain anyone's approval.”

“Makes sense. It’s not easy in the force if you’re…different from the rest."

“Exactly. I’m not sure it’s what Papá even wanted for me anyway. Because he knew what it’d be like. Then there was Mamá with her social work. She was in her element. Always fighting someone’s corner, especially during the suffrage movement. I think I was the odd one out in the family, ‘cos everyone else seemed to have…a calling except for me. So, I studied, got a business degree, became a buyer for various companies and ended up in the coffee industry. And the rest is history.”

“Good for you. And I guess that explains Horacio’s, er, distaste for a badly made cup of coffee.”

“Yep. He’s got no excuse. And neither do you anymore.”

“I’ll bear that in mind. Your turn.” Javier took the bottle this time and filled Alejandra’s glass.

She downed it in one go. “¿Por qué no un llanero ahora que has descartado ser policía?” (Why not a llanero now you’ve ruled out being a police officer?)

“¿Por qué no un vaquero?” (Why not a vaquero?) Javier corrected with a glint in his eye that Alejandra returned with an eye roll. “Like you said…there are other jobs. That one was just never for me. I need more variety day-to-day. Like I’m making a bigger difference somehow. But preferably without the pretty fucking significant risk of death or blackmail.”

“A fair demand.”

“Right? It’s not like I’m asking for a raise.”

“When I moved here, I didn’t know where life was taking me, especially when the kids came along. I couldn’t keep my old job because of all the travelling…and being a mother was the priority until they started school. It took me a while to find my place on the buying and selling side of the business. So, all I’m saying is, things might get clearer once you’re settled back in Laredo.”

“I’ll drink to that.” Javier raised his glass and nodded his thanks to Alejandra, touched by her unprompted advice.

His third and final question had arrived, and the pressure to make it a good one pressed uncomfortably on his increasingly fuzzy head. “If your father was here now, what would you say to him?”

For a brief second, Javier feared he had overstepped some forbidden and invisible line and been overfamiliar with someone he only really knew by proxy at this stage.

But whilst Alejandra’s smile was permanently stained with traces of grief, warmth flickered then grew in her charcoal eyes. “I’d tell him we’re fine. That we miss him and wish he’d come back for good but that he needn’t worry. Because even though Mamá didn’t always get things right, she steered us through it as best she could. And we didn’t turn our backs on the world. That we found love in the dark.”

Alejandra sniffed and wiped the back of her hand across her nose. “Sorry. I think it’s the alcohol.”

“No, don’t be sorry.” Javier paused to clear his throat, blinking his vision back into focus. “It was beautifully said.” His hand reached for hers across the table, hoping again that he hadn’t gone too far.

But she let his hand rest there until she shook her head like a wet dog and poured her final shot. “Same question to you about your mother, obviously,” she said before downing the aguardiente in one.

Javier scoffed. “Well, I guess I deserved that.” He took his time, collecting his thoughts as though he was preparing an important speech. As though he’d been trying to find the right words for most of his life – and how rarely he’d succeeded.

“I’d tell her I miss her morisqueta. I’d tell her Pops visits her every week. But then I think she already knows that. Same way I think she made sure he never re-married.”

Javier couldn’t help but laugh, seeing with perfect clarity where his own loyal streak came from when his Pops was still as devoted to Mariana as the day they married. Siempre tuyo was no exaggeration.

“I’d make sure she knew he wasn’t alone, though. That he was known as Don Chucho to most in Laredo. That she’d be proud of him for growing the community she helped start. I’d brag about all the tamales we’ve made and quote her favourite poems. I’d introduce her to Horacio.”

He envisaged showing her Horacio’s poetry book, knowing that all it would take was for her to read Javier’s message in the opening pages to understand everything about who they were to each other. He’d even dreamed of it, waking with a ridiculous hope that she had somehow intercepted it.

“She sounds as incredible as your father. I hope one day I can thank him for taking my little brother under his wing when he needed it the most.”

“I’m sure that could be arranged.”

“I can’t – and don’t want to – imagine where he would have ended up without either of you, to be honest. He told me about the ambush…and everything else. And even though it doesn’t feel nearly enough, I just want to say...thank you.”

At first, Javier could only nod and swallow the lump bobbing at the base of his throat. “He did the same for me. It wasn’t easy walking away from my job, don’t get me wrong, but it was different for him. He felt like he’d betrayed Colombia and his Papá. Yet he did it anyway.”

“When it’s the right person, the sacrifices are worth it. And I can’t think of anyone more worthy of wearing that.” Alejandra’s sightline had fallen to Javier’s neck. His chest may have now been covered, but the silver chain still poked out from beneath the seam of his shirt.

She poured them a bonus shot each and raised her glass. “Welcome to the family.”

#Narcos fic #Narcos #Javier Peña #Horacio Carrillo #Carrillo #Javier Peña x Horacio Carrillo #Pedro Pascal #Maurice Compte #Narcos fanfic #Narcos fanfiction #Narcos fan fic #My Fan Fic #My Narcos Fic

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peachesofteal · 2 months

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RAAAAAAAAH CHAPTER 13 BRO!!!!!

as always, i read it like a rabid animal, and then reread the prev 4 chapters and then reread this again HAHA

your work ages like fine wine, and i read and treasure every word of it, especially on rereads when i can make myself slow down to really take it all in <3

"He takes it all away. Every time." made me WEEP!!!!! its what she DESERVES!!!! the dependability and the escape into him and simon (simon takes charge obvs, but johnny is just as much an outlet. sweet sweet boy)

i think he also realizes that she's seeing it as escapism and starts to fall away a bit, bc of how he stops her and asks to check in. it makes me curious abt his and simon's early relationship, if he's recognizing the same pattern of behavior and comparing them.

going on with that, when she was showing them her scars, AUUUUUUGH. that hit so hard man. the “No but… they’re hideous.”

“No.” Simon croaks, voice thick. “There isn’t a single part of you that isn’t perfect.”

SIMOOOOOOOON he sees so much of himself in her. its gotta be heartbreaking, knowing she's where he used to be. he gets it fr. i cant imagine two people more suited for her, someone who's been where she is and got out, and the person who's helped get that someone out of that pit. fuck dude. you're so good at this HAHAHA

im not gonna say nothin abt the good girl stuff…. but heehee!

also also "I'm not a little human nurse" made me laugh so hard LMAO pure arizona from grey's. ive been watching it lately (started right before you started posting simple math actually) reading the hospital bits of SM, you do a really good job of capturing the same energy and stakes and work dynamics that you get watching grey's. im honestly still waiting for the other shoe to drop on the stupid attending marshall, there's always something that a shitty attending can mess up down the road lmao

the ending on this chap killed me though. they knew she was flighty, and that she's smart and capable, but its gotta be so hard to get the relief of her coming back after the day out without answering the phone, only to find the papers the next morning. in bunny's defense though, she mentioned in chapters before moving in (i think before graves hurt her?) with them that she had to start looking at outs, and these papers aren't a 2-day turnaround; she probably bought them weeks ago and only now picked them up. i could be wrong though! i think its unfortunate timing, but she also probably just wants the relief knowing that she's got the backup plan accessible. as much as she loves the boys and penny, she's still not used to having the dependability. the safety scares her, or at least gives her the idea of a false sense of security, since she's been on edge for so so long.

i give her big smooch. poor bun. poor boys, and poor penny. manifesting the worst for graves, truly, rot in hell you idiot american

i hope you're feeling better, its lovely to read your works but even better when you're doing well yourself ❤️❤️❤️

I loved reading this! I adore you.

I love how you noticed that Johnny does stop to check in. He has a very firm grip on her mental and emotional state, (it’s not his first rodeo) and he knows just how to bring her back.

The two of them + Bunny is really a dream come true even if she doesn’t realize it yet (they do) and it will take a lot of time and work on everyone’s part.

I think your notes in your last paragraph are pretty spot on, too. Bunny will talk about it more in the next two chapters but- getting a new identity is not a two day turnaround.

Also yeah, I was channeling Arizona with that line 💀 I was hoping someone would catch it!

10/10 I love your breakdowns, no notes, perfection, they always make me smile.

#peaches asks #frogladder

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nriacc · 1 year

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Me & You Together Song | NRIACC: Matty’s Ending |

Nothing Revealed In A Common Crisis

Written by @imagine-that-100

Description: | Here |

Word Count: 26k

Warnings: This series contains mature content and themes throughout

A/N: Hey besties! I can’t believe this is it. We actually got to the end! Thank you so so so much for sticking with me whilst I got this fic out, I am truly so so happy that people are still reading almost 2 years after I posted the first part. It really is mindblowing to me. I’ve got a few people I need to thank, dot for helping me plan a lot of the fic and for helping write chap 8, @murderousginger and @sunsetinmyvein for editing for me. A really really big thank you is going to @red---moon and @alovesreading, I genuinely don’t think this fic would have ever got finished if I didn’t have you two for me to mindlessly rant to about it and giving me ideas and keeping me motivated (Red also gave me the idea for the arielle stuff back on the AM tour and A gave me the idea of the whole pauline storyline so you can blame them for that loolllll love you both). To the rest of you, the ones who have been reading for a longgg time, you deserve a medal, your asks and reactions have really kept me going so thank you so so so much, and if you’ve recently had a binge I really hope you enjoyed the rollercoaster of a fic. NRIACC really feels like my baby and I’m never going to write a mashup of worlds like this again, so thank you all so so much for reading and enjoying it. I'll be forever grateful for the love you’ve shown it. Now, I’ve kept you waiting long enough, I really hope you enjoy Wheels and her man's happy ending. Love you lots and enjoy x

Please let me know | Here | who’s ending you’re all choosing! (It’s all anonymous)

~*~*~*~ June 15th 2020 ~*~*~*~

Matty’s heart felt like it was bleeding for you the night you called him upset asking if you could come and stay with him. He knew his heart always hurt when you got upset but with you crying out for him, it felt scarring.

Never had he felt such pain like it. The drive to yours felt like the longest one he’d ever done, despite this being the closest you’d ever lived to each other.

The rain didn’t help his anxiety of wanting to get to you as fast as possible but thankfully the roads were mostly dead because of the late hour. When he got to your flat, he let himself in with his key and he rushed to you, finding you clutching your rabbit teddy and crying in bed.

Matty doesn’t think he’s ever felt you hug him as tight as you did that night. He had you in his arms settling you down for the next hour, getting you to a point where the tears would dry up so he could get some of your things together and get you to his house where you pleaded for him to take you.

Matty would find out in the days after you started staying with him that you’d been struggling with the confines of lockdown a hell of a lot more than you’d been letting on. It broke his heart that you didn’t reach out sooner but he’s beyond thankful you finally did because the days after he got you, he saw that spark you always have in you reignite.

The first few days of you staying with him was hard. It was clear you’d got into such a bad place due to you sleeping though most of the morning, which was really unlike you as he remembered you always having him up earlier than anyone needed to be in mornings.

Matty would also catch you living in your head a lot. You weren’t being your usual chatty self and he felt like he had to pry you back out of a shell he doesnt ever think he’s seen you go into.

But thankfully after about a week, he got you back to your normal and creative self and he did this by encouraging you to come out for walks with him. Ones that were filled with places Matty had planned for the both of you to explore to keep your mind ticking over and keep the both of you talking even after you got back to his house.

That evening, you were both sitting in Matty’s courtyard and the small view you got of the sky as the sun was going now reminded both of you of your box paintings that were always a feature at your galleries. It was the perfect picture to paint and Matty’s simple request of “Could you please paint it for me?” was one you couldn’t turn down because the look on his face really did relight that creative fire.

Thankfully, Matty had grabbed your travel kit which has everything you’d need to paint something well and when your best friend rushes to get that when you said you’d give it a go, you do so feeling that excitement in your chest. It was a race against the ever changing light to capture what you can see of the sky well on the sketching paper which Matty had never ended up using which had been buried in one of his drawers.

Your best friend was entirely vexed watching you work. The way you’d gently bite your bottom lip or the tip of your tongue when you were really concentrating made his heart stutter. It had always been the little things when it came to you that had Matty in a chokehold, and watching you paint is certainly one of them.

But the main one is your smile. And the way your whole face lit up when you finished that painting that evening had Matty falling for you all over again, but he wouldn’t risk your friendship by doing anything about that. He was just so beyond thrilled to see you happy again.

It became your little tradition in the days after that. The both of you would sit outside and you would capture the sky in a box painting of yours and Matty would watch as you’d come alive with each stroke of your brush.

You were yourself again in those days too. Matty wasn’t worrying about you or having to try and pry you out of your shell.

Inside, you were feeling so much better and in your heart you knew that was all down to Matty. In the little things that he did for you, and the way he could keep you occupied with his conversations or his music for hours on end made living this new way of life so much easier. And you found your heart slipping back into its old habits.

Watching True Romance with him almost every night certainly helped with the uneasy feelings of lockdown passing. Because as long as you had Matty by your side and for you to cuddle into, you knew you’d be okay. You’d always be okay as long as Matty was there to comfort you.

~*~*~*~

You felt yourself get back to normal the more time you spent with Matty. It was like going back to default settings and things just felt so much easier. With every hug you felt happier, with every kiss on the cheek you felt your heart grow warmer. You felt yourself again and that was all down to Matty.

A few weeks have passed with you in Matty’s presence now and you’re certainly the happiest you’ve been in a long time and you caught yourself reverting back to your old ways.

The way you would act around each other made your heart stutter because it was like you were back together again without all the acts that prove people are in a relationship. Apart from that first night you came and stayed at Matty’s, you’d been staying in his spare room, not sharing with him like you realise you desperately want to.

The nights when you both fall asleep cuddling each other whilst watching films and neither of you are disturbed until morning are your favourites because you stay in his arms. The nights when Matty wakes you up so you can be comfier in your own bed leave you with a bitter taste.

There’s not a second you don’t want him by your side now. Every single second of the day that you get to be around him is a blessing and you’ve quickly and quietly fallen for him again. But you know that’s just you letting your repressed feelings come back to taunt you a little longer.

The more you think this over though, the more you question why you’re actually holding any of your feelings back in the first place. You’ve fallen for him again, and you’re not really sure when you actually did or the exact moment it happened, but the mere fact you want to be in no one's arms but his makes you his.

And you realise this one night about 2 weeks into staying with Matty. It’s no surprise to anyone that you’re a clingy drunk, but especially when you’ve just been watching your favourite film with each other and you’re already a bottle of red deep with him.

You’re currently lying on Matty’s settee, with his chest against your back and you’ve got Good At Falling by The Japanese House playing quietly through Matty’s speakers. The both of you had been getting nostalgic, asking each other things like if the both of you remember when you first watched True Romance together and if the both of you remembered when your Aunt embarrassed him one Christmas.

The warm feeling in your chest swells when you remember the cute moments you’ve had with him, and you find yourself turning over so you can see him when you ask in your tipsy state, “Do you remember when we first saw each other?”

“Yeah,” Matty nods, and you stop yourself from chuckling at the way he forces his eyes open a little more as if to try and prove to himself he’s not tipsy. He recalls the moment for you, “You were a very pixelated pretty girl on Skype somehow related to my best mate... I still don’t quite believe you’re related to Hann.” he tells you as he tucks your hair behind your ear so he can see you better.

“Your Aunt, definitely.” Matty grins, but he shakes his head, “But Hann… I don’t know how that works.”

“He’s not that different from me, you know?” You hum in amusement, before you ask, “Can I have a proper cuddle please?”

Your boundaries and filter has clearly been drowned away with the amount of alcohol you’ve had, or that will be your excuse anyway. Thankfully though, Matty nods with a smile and the both of you manoeuvre yourself so you’re lying between his legs with you practically hugging him as you nuzzle yourself into his chest.

Matty’s arms wrap around your back as he says, “He is, you’re a lot better.” and he even pulls the blanket over the both of you as it’s on the back of the settee.

You hum, fully enjoying how close you are to him and the comfort he brings you with his hand softly running up and down your back. And after a few moments of silence, you ask him, “Do you remember when I was over one year and you came not to talk to me or to Adam, but to my Aunt and Uncle so you could convince them that Adam had to stay around and go to Uni of Manchester?”

“I do.” Matty laughs a little remembering how dead set he was that the band was going to work and how mental that must have been for you to hear. “Although I remember that trying to convince Ross’ Mum and Dad was more difficult because they were so set on him having Salford Uni as his second choice instead of his first.”

“I’m glad everyone stuck around.” You say as you look around Matty’s lounge and see the pictures he has dotted around of his best friends.

It warms your heart, and it warms it even more when he agrees in a soft voice, “Me too.”

After another minute of the both of you cuddling in silence as you listen to the album in the background, you ask, “Do you remember the Halloween party we had?”

“The one where you dressed up as a sexy version of Wednesday from the Addams family? Or a different one?” Matty asks for clarification a little too fast which makes you laugh.

You nod against his chest, “Yeah, I was meaning that one.”

“Yes I remember that one very well.” Matty grins as he starts gently playing with the ends of your hair, “I fucking dreamt about that one for weeks.”

As you giggle at that admission, your best friend tells you, “Your emo phase really gave me more of the hots for you, Wheels.”

You smile, not finding that surprising at all, so you joke, “Who knew your downfall was black hair dye and a pair of fishnets, ey?”

“Mmm,” Matty hums in amusement, “The fact it was you played a part too though.”

“What about that girl Alice you were seeing for a while? The one before Lucy?” You ask, only vaguely remembering her but she definitely dressed a little emo like you, when her and Matty were sleeping together. “She definitely fit the bill.”

“She wasn’t you, Wheels.” Matty reminds you, as no one has ever really come close to you. The woman who’s lying in his arms today, the woman he doesn’t ever really want to let go of.

His words fill your heart with joy again and you sit with that for a minute before you ask him another question. “Do you remember coming to my eighteenth?”

“Yes, and you were wearing fishnets with a skater skirt and… I could never forget just how good you looked that night.” Matty can’t help but smile at the memory of you being so happy when you saw him and when you unwrapped that skateboard they bought for you. “Not to mention that was the first time you called me Curly.”

“I can’t believe you remember that night so vividly,” You chuckle, looking up at him as you admit, “I barely remember it, well, anything after nine o’clock anyway.”

“You were really drunk to be fair,” Matty smirks at you, “And I was just enamoured by you so I was watching you all night.”

“You realise if you weren’t obsessed with me you’d have known I was actually friends with Arctic Monkeys because they were all there.” You grin right back at him, still finding it hilarious that he didn’t believe you for so long.

“Damn, yeah.” Matty chuckles, and he resumes playing with the ends of your hair once you rest it back down on his chest. He ends up giggling to himself when he admits, “I only remember Y/B/F though... She was just as fit as you.”

You frown a little, even though he can’t see your face, but you call out his double standard nonetheless, “And you had an issue when I said I fancied George.”

“I never tried to shag your best friend, did I?” Matty makes a very good point, “You can’t say the same about that, can you?”

“Okay okay.” You know when you’ve been beaten so you’ll give him this one, “You have a point.”

Both of you giggle then and you settle again. You let your eyes close as you listen to Faraway over the speakers and it makes you snuggle into him impossibly closer. It warms your heart that this is the song Matty’s backing vocals are on and it makes you smile when he starts soft humming along to it now underneath you.

The lyrics really hit you hard, and it's at this moment you promise yourself that in the next few days you’re going to tell him how you feel. And even feeling him run his fingers through your hair now it makes your heart race for him, you want him back how you used to be when you were together properly.

And the thoughts of you together makes you nostalgic again. And you think back to the first summer you met again.

“What about teaching me how to skate?” You ask, keeping your eyes closed wanting the visual memories to come back more vividly, “Remember that?”

“That was such a fun day.” Matty can’t help but grin at the memory. “Will never forget the sheer panic on your face when I told you to move on your own.”

He feels you chuckle against his chest before you tell him, “I remember watching you all and feeling so left out… I just wanted to be as good as you all but I was scared.”

“Yeah, your first time on the ramps told me as much.” Matty laughs again remembering the way you were clinging to his arm and begging him to go on a slope instead.

You giggle again at that before saying, “And now I’m even better than you.”

“Well, the student becomes the jedi master or whatever shit Hann says.” Matty hums in amusement and it warms his heart when you let out a loud laugh. God, he just wants to kiss the top of your head and have you stay in his arms like this forever.

After another few seconds, you feel the need to ask again, “Do you remember-”

But Matty interrupts you, “Do you think I’ve forgotten?”

“What?”

“Do you think I’ve forgotten?” He repeats himself.

You’re so confused, “About what?”

“About you?” Matty puts it simply, “About us?”

When you look up at him, still seeming like you don’t understand where the question has come from, ”You keep asking loads of questions about us and if I remember... Do you think I’ve forgotten about you, Sweetheart?

Your drunk and now tired mind almost lets your feelings spill. Truthfully, you want to go over everything to remind yourself why you love him, and you don’t want to ruin this moment with him now if he doesn’t love you too. So you settle on explaining, “I don't know if you remember everything I do. There's a lot to remember... I bet you remember so much about me in the years you were pining for me that I don't.”

The way you timidly say it, like you're almost scared or embarrassed to admit it makes Matty want to reassure you more than he ever has done before. He doesn’t want you for a second to think that you’re forgettable.

“I’d never forget about you, Sweetheart.” Matty looks into your eyes as he tells you that, and his face is soft and he’s smiling as he tells you, “You are in each of the best moments of my life… Top three are all you.”

Your eyes go a little wide, “Really?”

“Yeah.” Matty nods, his grin getting bigger.

“Do you remember the day you told me you loved me?” He asks you, really hoping you do because it means so much to him.

You nod, remembering the day well, “Course I do.” and you really hope that one day soon you can start telling him again.

“That was the second best day of my life.” Matty tells you, “I remember sitting on the ramp in the skatepark and we were in our own little world. Entirely in everyone’s way and I knew we both knew what was coming... But when I finally said it and you said it back, I could finally breathe again.”

You almost want to cry when you remember just how much you loved him, and it's never really gone away because it's just been built upon and it’s come back so much stronger. Matty proudly states again as he tucks your hair behind your ear again, “Second best day of my life.”

“Second?” You ask a little curiously, because if that’s his second you don’t know what his top will be.

Matty nods, “Yep.”

“What was the first?” You have to ask.

He grins at you and you know he will tell you, but he instructs, “Ask me my third first.”

“I hope your third is your music.” You really really hope it’s something like the day he won a Brit Award or a day one of his albums reached number one.

So you’re surprised when he shakes his head, “Nope.”

“Please tell me it’s something to do with music.” You need it to be at this point, because how can his music not be in his top three?

“If you count my muse as something to do with music, sure.” Matty's smile gets bigger when your eyes widen and you shake your head at him. He knows you’re about to tell him off so he tells you, “Music is involved but the music isn't why it was one of my favourite days.”

You practically plead with your eyes for him to tell you then, and when he does you don’t know how you restrain yourself from kissing him there and then.

“The day you told me that you’d be my girlfriend. That day you kissed me on stage and told me that you liked me back.” Matty finally tells you, “Will always be up there.”

Your heart is beating even faster for him when you ask, “So what's number one?”

“The day we kissed for the first time in my bedroom.” Matty reveals, and you can see the genuine happiness on his face when he says, “That blew me away… Still don’t really think there will ever be a day like it.”

“You were all I’d wanted for so so long. And I couldn’t believe it actually happened.” You can feel how much he means his words as he smiles, “If your shirt that you changed out of wasn't in my room that night I wouldn’t have believed it happened… My lips tingled for days.”

You’re so in love with this man, it hurts.

But Matty ends his anecdote with a laugh, “All the while you were going through a moral dilemma because of your twat of a boyfriend.”

“Yeah well Peter can get fucked.” You chuckle, and you move a little further up Matty’s body so you can bury your face into his neck, “He never made me feel like you did when we were together. It was infinitely better with you Curly, I wish I’d just phoned him up and broke up with him then and there and stayed in Manchester.”

“I wish you did too.” Matty sighs a little as his arms wrap around your back again, hugging you impossibly closer.

After a minute, you hear him ask, “Do you know the exact moment I fell in love with you? Did I ever tell you?”

“I don't think we did share that with each other.” You tell him, and by your voice Matty can tell you’re getting tired now, so he makes your brain work a little.

Matty asks, “Do you know the moment for you?”

“Yeah,” You nod into his neck, “But I need to know yours first though… And I mean like proper love, not love at first sight.”

“I knew at the top of that ferris wheel.” Matty starts gently routing his fingers through your hair and he gives you a head massage.

He knows you’re tired and he remembers doing this to get you to relax to go to sleep endless times when you were together. “I knew I was down so so bad for you that day. And when you kissed me at the top, I knew you were it for me.”

Your heart bursts as the memories come back to you, and you’re closing your eyes even tighter in hopes that you’ll dream about it and relive it all over again. He makes your heart swell when he continues, “You made me feel so safe being with you up there… I just remember thinking ‘I love this girl so much, I never want to let her go’.”

You just about manage to say through the lump that’s just formed in your throat, “You’re so adorable.”

Matty smiles at that, and he can tell you're going to fall asleep any minute so he asks you, needing to know, “What about you? When did you fall for me.”

“Which time?” You say without really thinking about it.

Matty instinctively says, “The first time.” not fully processing what you just said.

“When you held my hand at my Aunt and Uncle's wedding during the speech when he started talking about my Dad…” Your tired voice explains and Matty wants to do nothing more than kiss you and hold you tighter when you say, “No one had ever done that for me before and you didn’t let go even after the subject moved on and I was so so thankful to you… I fell for you hard that day.”

Matty’s eyes tear up at that, and he can’t stop himself from quickly kissing the top of your head. He can feel the lump in his throat but he forces himself to take a few breaths so he doesn’t just start crying.

Matty had always asked you so many questions about your Dad and what he was like. He didn’t want you to ever feel like it was a subject you shouldn’t bring up as he knew that’s how your Mum sometimes made you feel. So it really means a lot to Matty that the reason you really knew you loved him is that moment.

At this point, you can feel yourself falling asleep so with every ounce of sincerity you can muster, you whisper, “Thank you for falling in love with me.”

Matty’s sure his heart stops for a second. Because his hand moving to give you your head massage definitely does for a second, but he covers that by kissing your head again before he whispers back, “You made it the easiest thing to do.”

Matty gets lost in his own memories of the both of you then. He goes over everything he can remember from the first time you met to you in his arms right now. And he holds you tighter when he thinks back to some of it, but he’s so grateful that you’ve found your way back into his arms now.

Matty can’t help but smile as he thinks about the conversation you just had with him. He loves how open you still are about everything, even if the alcohol is loosening your lips a little.

But then when he recalls near the end of your chat, when he asked if you remembered when you fell in love with him, he almost gasps when he realises what your reply was.

He’s unable to stop himself from thinking out loud and asking, “Wait, what did you mean which time?”

There was more than once that you fell in love with him? He knows that you’d always said that when you fell for both him and Alex it was because you’d just repressed your past feelings for him. But then after the both of you last slept together, the both of you knew that was a closing chapter in your life.

There was no doubt that Matty had since fallen for you again. With how supportive you were after Gabby split with him and how you’d been with him before lockdown, it makes his brain light up with the question, Has she fallen for me again?

But when Matty tries to look down at you for an answer, he realises you’re asleep in his arms. And that’s when he realises how long it’s been. Good At Falling is already at Faraway again meaning that that album has at least repeated itself more than once, so you’ve probably been asleep for a while now and he’s not noticed.

Your best friend lets you rest and now he stops giving you a head massage like he realises he has been doing for God knows how long and he just rests his hand on your back instead. However, Matty doesn’t know if it was the fact he stopped playing with your hair or something else that seemed to have you stir but after about 10 minutes you woke up.

“Sorry,” You hum, “I fell asleep.”

“Let’s go bed, Sweetheart.” Matty encourages, rubbing your back a little to encourage you up even though he doesn’t want to let you go.

However, you plead, “Can we stay here please?” really not wanting to move out of his arms and get into a cold bed that you didn’t have him to warm you up in.

“You’re lucky I connected the lights to my Alexa the other month.” Matty gives you the confirmation and you smile like a fool in love as you let yourself try to get back to sleep then.

You feel like you’ve never been so cosy. You wish you could stay here forever.

After Matty turns off the lights and music on his phone, he lets it fall back beside him and he cuddles you into him more. And when he gently rests his head against yours, you know he’s going to try and get some sleep as well which makes you happy.

Matty has always found sleep tedious, but somehow you make it a lot easier for him. He’s almost asleep when he hears you whisper, “So far.”

“What?” He hums, not understanding where it’s come from.

But you really make his heart warm and he falls asleep with a smile on his face when he hears your reply.

“They’re the best moments of your life so far.”

~*~*~*~ June 24th 2020 ~*~*~*~

“Look what Jamie just dropped off.” Matty walks back into his lounge with a huge grin on his face and he’s holding up the Notes On A Conditional Form vinyl.

“Oh my god,” You make grabby hands at it, so keen to finally see what it looks like in person. Matty giggles and passes it to you as he comes to sit beside you.

Eagerly you pull the record out of the sleeve and your jaw drops when you see how glorious the neon yellow pressing of it is. You coo, absolutely loving it, “It looks so pretty.”

“It does.” Matty hums, delighted at the vinyl itself and seeing the way you’re grinning at it.

After admiring it for a minute more, you carefully put it back into the sleeve and then back into the record jacket which you see is the alternate, minimalist version of the album art.

You did both of them as asked, neither were that hard but the one that has the yellow cover you know is going to be the cover of the album on Spotify and all the other streaming platforms so you decide to ask about it.

“I still don’t know why I did all that artwork for Notes and then you quickly went for the minimalist sleeve.” You raise an eyebrow, hoping he’d answer the question for you.

“Cheaper.” Matty tells you, “Better for the environment, and that’s what I’m passionate about at the minute.”

“Yeah,” You nod, thinking it through and realising it probably is, “Fair enough.”

You look at the record in your hands again though and ask Matty, “Can I please listen to it?”

“Mmm,” He hums, “I don’t know.”

You pout then, leaning that little bit closer as you say, “Please.”

Other than the songs you’d heard on tour, you had no idea what the others sound like. You know that the album overall is all of the electronic synths and that is the vibe they have gone for with this album but you’re just so keen to hear it all and in the order they all settled on.

“It’s out soon,” Matty reminds you, “Do you not wanna wait till the listening party?”

That was originally the plan, you were in no rush to hear it, but now you’re just so keen to listen to the new album as you haven't heard anything new in so long. And you’ve been eagerly waiting for this album since you were on the US tour with them last year when they were recording it in the back of the bus and you just let them be.

“No, I want to be rapidly tweeting along with you.” You say, despite knowing it’s just a few more weeks you would be waiting. But the excitement has hit you now the album is physically in your hands, “I wanna know every last word by then.”

Matty takes a few seconds then and you really don’t know which way he’s going to decide. But when he sighs, “Okay.” you have to double check.

There’s excitement in your voice when you do, “You’re gunna let me listen?”

“If you will let me have that last painting you did outside.” Matty grins.

It was just a quick one you’d done two nights ago. The sky was a mixture of red blue and purple and you captured the moment so well and despite it just being a quick painting you weren’t attached to, Matty loved it. Yet another one he would proudly frame and put up if you let him.

“Of course you can have it, Curly.” You smile, calling him by his nickname despite the fact he’s got his buzzcut now. You tell him truthfully, “Can have any of them, you don’t have to ask.”

Because the quick ones you’d been doing were just fun practice for you, you never got attached. You remember back when you were younger Matty always used to be amazed by them whilst you thought they were just okay, but the fact he still wants one now makes you stupidly happy.

Everything about him does though. He makes you happy and you’re finding it hard to keep that to yourself now.

“We can listen after tea, yeah?” Matty nods at the vinyl that you just put down on his coffee table.

You nod, hoping the day passes by quickly, “Sounds good, I’m really excited.”

You brightly grin at Matty then, and he smiles back but you can see that it doesn’t quite reach his eyes and immediately you ask him, “What’s up?”

Of course, he tries to cover up his emotions though and immediately says, “Nothing.”

At that you give him knowing eyes. You’ve known each other for 18 years, nothing is not going to be the answer he gives you when you can tell there’s something, however big or small, bothering him.

“Sorry,” Matty apologises for attempting to keep it from you, but he leans back into his seat and takes a deep breath before telling you the truth, “I just get nervous when I know you’re going to hear an album.”

You’re thankful that it’s only that, and you can instantly calm him because there’s no way you won’t love his album. You adore all of his others and think they’re amazing and you will tell him that if you need to.

“Really?” You have to ask, “Why are you nervous?”

“I don’t want you to hate it… I don’t want you to be upset at anything I’ve said, not that I think I've said anything in this album but it still worries me.” Matty explains, a sombre mood falls over him when he tells you something you didn’t know he knew about. “I know you told me about you listening in LA but Jamie told me how bad you were as well a few years back and it haunts me a little… I never wanted to make you feel like that.”

“No,” You shake your head, not wanting him to think about that because you know how he’s probably taken it, “Don’t apologise for that.”

You turn towards Matty properly as you take his hand to hold as you address that specific night, “I took a lot of those songs the wrong way the first few times I heard them. I took everything as a personal attack when a lot of the things weren’t about me either.”

You continue as you look into his brown eyes, silently pleading for him to believe you, “I was in a weird headspace back then and I was looking for things to hurt me. Everything's so much different now, Matty... I’m so much happier than I was and regardless I don’t hate any of the songs on that album. I listen and I think they are gorgeous even if they do still hit every now and again, but that's a risk with every album that’s about me, not just yours.”

“I-” Your best friend tries to start, but you need him to understand, so interrupt.

“I adore your music, Matty.” You put it as simply as possible for him, and you squeeze his hand when you say, “I love all of it… I-”

You have to stop yourself then because you almost tell him how you feel, something that you at least want to do after your birthday tomorrow. You’d like at least one more day of being as close as you are in case his feelings aren’t the same as yours.

“I loved A Brief Inquiry.” You start again and remind him, “Did you think I hated that album?”

“No, but I was still nervous when the release date came around.” Matty tells you honestly.

“Matty,” You want to hug him and never let go as you can still see the worry in his eyes. Thinking of things that can help, you remind him, “I’ve heard a few already and I don’t hate them.”

“Not even the things that are about you?” He questions because he really is worried about it.

The last thing he wants to do is upset you with anything he’s written about you. Even though he has been better with this album to not directly reference you, the lyrics just sort of ended up finding Matty and after he recorded them he realised a lot of them were about you and how he felt about you.

“No.” You promise him, “Writing songs has always been your cathartic way of getting your feelings out. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that, and even if they do sting sometimes I don’t hate you for it Matty. I’m glad you’re getting it out.”

“I’m still so sorry for hurting you… For everything around 2016 really.” Matty’s eyes fall to his lap when he adds when his voice falters, “And everything earlier.”

Instantly, you know he’s thinking back to the accident. The cheating too but you know the accident is such a triggering subject for him you don’t want that to start plaguing him again like it once did.

“Hey.” You squeeze his hand. Gently asking him, “Please look at me.”

You see him blink a few times before he looks up and your heart bleeds for him. If you could take it all away from him you really would. The last thing you want is for him to feel guilty again about the accident that wasn’t his fault. You would literally find the police report again if you had to.

Seeing those brown eyes again but this time filled with a little more water than before, you remind him, “We agreed we’d live easier.”

“I know, but it still keeps me up sometimes, Wheels.” Matty says in a strained voice but he clears his throat a little to try again, “Not all the time, like it used to, but sometimes it just creeps back in.”

“Well that’s not allowed anymore.” You hope that he can hear just how much you mean your words in your voice as you promise him, “Just like your letter said about it being my reminder if I needed to remember how much I’m loved, I’m here and always will be to remind you that you’re forgiven.”

Matty has to look down at your hand then as his eyes fill with more water and his throat closes up. He takes your hand in both of his this time and he massages it for a silent minute and you just let him go through it, knowing he’ll speak up when he can and he wants to.

Your heart really does ache seeing him like this. All you want to do is trap him in a massive hug and tell him you love him and kiss him until all of those feelings go away.

And this is the moment you promise yourself that you're going to tell him how you feel. You’ll will do it the morning of the day after your birthday because you don’t want to waste anymore time. At this point you’re starting to feel like you’re hiding things from him and that’s the last thing you want.

Little did you know, Matty is having a similar conversation in his own head. After what you just told him, he doesn’t know how he hasn’t just told you how in love with you he is, and how everything that he once felt has come right back and it’s even stronger than it ever was.

He still finds it so shocking that you forgive him. Guilt still eats away at him a lot of the time, but it comes on in waves these days. Sometimes he’ll be okay for a while and then it will devour him for a few days at a time leaving him wanting to do nothing but curl up in bed and cry.

So the mere fact that you remind him that you’re able to forgive him has Matty emotional. He remembers you telling him before, that night in 2017, and you’ve told him again once or twice since but it really hits home for him now.

Hopefully things won’t keep him up tonight now you’ve reminded him of that. But he’ll probably just stay awake thinking about how he can possibly tell you the way he feels about you. Because he needs to tell you soon.

After a few minutes of you watching him, and him massaging your hand, Matty looks up at you and he smiles as much as he can and says, “Thank you, Sweetheart.” and he kisses the back of your hand too before repeating, “Thank you.”

~*~*~*~

You’re still a little certain Matty was putting it off for as long as possible for you both to listen to Notes tonight. Which you now understand but you were so insistent and excited Matty finally caved and put it on about 10pm.

You adored the new instrumentals that came after People, and you thought they were so beautiful. And the first new song with lyrics you heard was Yeah I Know which you really enjoyed too.

Then Because She Goes came on and you could sense Matty was a little on edge. He didn’t look at you during it which gave you an inkling that it might be about you. And when you heard the lyric ‘beautiful, please don’t cry, I love you’, you really hoped it was about you and it made you feel a little braver about telling him how you feel in a few days.

Jesus Christ 2005 has Matty singing with Phoebe Bridgers and as soon as they released the studio version a month ago, you’d fallen in love with it. You’d only heard Matty’s version of the song when he sang it during an interview in America that you were there for, but Phoebe’s vocals beside Matty’s made it even more gorgeous.

Roadkill made you laugh, as it was just a summary of that American tour and it sounds like a feelgood song. You also really loved the references to Robbers that he included too. Of course, you also already know Me & You Together Song but it makes your heart ache even more as you just long to tell Matty how in love with him you are.

Whilst you love the sound of I Think There’s Something You Should Know your heart hurts for Matty because he sounds like he’s going through it in the song, especially the second verse. It breaks your heart listening to what he’s talking about experiencing.

The first real line of Nothing Revealed / Everything denied being ‘I never fucked in a car, I was lying, I do it on my bed, lying down not trying’ makes you look at Matty acusingly. Because that was a blatant lie.

When the both of you couldn’t be at either Adam’s or his house the both of you went on your drives and got up to no good in the car. Both of you end up giggling through that song as you playfully call him a liar and you bully him for it and ask him again if he’s forgotten all of the things you got up to. You end up having to restart the song to hear it all properly as you were laughing so much.

Now you’re waiting for the next one to start which you can see from the back on the vinyl is Tonight (I Wish I Was Your Boy). As the beginning of it starts with the high pitched vocals, you quickly ask Matty, “Is this one about me?”

“The chorus is,” Matty looked like he was debating with himself before telling you that. But he continues, “Not the verses, I just made that up for a story to the song. But Yeah.”

You nod, not minding at all, as the title of the song really gives you some hope. But you need to listen first.

Matty goes shy on you again when the chorus starts, looking at the ground instead of your reaction. Which is fine but hearing him sing tonight I wish I was your boy makes you want to throw yourself at him and kiss him until you both need oxygen again.

As the song fades out Matty risks a glance at you, and when he already sees you looking longingly at him his heart leaps in his chest. He doesn’t really know where the confidence comes from, but he ends up turning the music down a little whilst he asks, “Did I fuck it royally?”

“No,” You shake your head, your voice soft with a little trace of amusement in it as you clarify, “You didn’t fuck it, you muppet.”

You’re trying to say it without actually saying it and you know that it really isn't what you should do, but what you said gives Matty that little push he needs.

“Listen Wheels,” Matty turns to you a little more, and shuffles closer to you on the settee as he starts, “I’ve been wanting to tell you that over the last few weeks… I’ve really enjoyed you being around again and I- I don’t know if I should be saying this…”

You feel like your heart is in his throat as he continues, “I guess I’ve been nervous about it, but it’s you. You’re my Wheels and I shouldn’t feel nervous talking to you, and… yeah.”

The smile you’re trying to suppress is really fighting to come out as you watch Matty fidget and look almost anywhere but at you. His hands run over his short hair, a new habit of his now he can’t tuck his hair behind his ears when he’s nervous. But at this point you know what he’s trying to say.

“And you deserve the truth if nothing else, and I guess I just want to tell you that I-, we-, I-” Matty stumbles on his words before closing his eyes and taking a deep breath before saying, “Sorry, just give me a second.”

Despite your heart now thudding rapidly in your chest. You work up the courage to do it. Just a few seconds of mindless bravery and you hope with everything that you have that it will pay off in the way you want it to.

“I’m in love with you, Matty.” You tell him.

It’s to the point, plain and simple. No room for any misunderstandings to take place, and as soon as you’ve told your truth you feel lighter for it. He knows… The ball is in his court now.

Immediately Matty looks up at you, shock clear in his voice, “What?”

“Yeah.” You nod, and you tell him everything, “It’s been on my mind for months, even more whilst I’ve been here. But I was scared to tell you.”

Matty ends up asking, “Why were you scared?” despite him not even being able to get his words out to tell you himself because he felt exactly the same way.

“Scared you wouldn’t want to try again with me.” Saying that makes you a little emotional.

It’s a scary possibility and the thought of it hurts your soul more than you’d ever let on if this did end up going the other way. But you’re worrying for absolutely nothing.

“Wheels, you’re all I’ve ever wanted,” Matty’s getting choked up as he smiles and tells you, “I love you so fucking much and I always have.”

Hearing that makes your eyes prick with tears, but even more so when he continues, “Of course I’d want to try again. Been dreaming about the idea for weeks.”

You giggle, wiping away your watery eyes before it turns into real tears, “So have I.”

It’s just relief flooding your system and seeing that Matty is the exact same makes you feel a little better about it. Both of you laugh as you dry your eyes before Matty chuckles, “Fuck sake Sweetheart. Come here.”

And you don’t hesitate for a second. His arms are open to you and you throw yourself into them, but immediately you attach your lips to his.

You’ve missed the feeling of him so much, the way his kisses light up your whole body and make everything feel okay. Kissing him feels like you're young, like it's the first time all over again and you never want to let him go.

It's a searing kiss, filled with all the longing and passion you have for each other as you hold onto him tightly, completely afraid to let go. It almost feels like a dream, but one that you’re certain each of you wouldn’t mind never waking up from.

With each kiss you’re trying to silently tell him just how much you love him over and over again and Matty is matching your intensity, making you feel his love like you’re hoping he feels yours. He’s your Curly, your match made in heaven, your soulmate, you were always meant to mean this much to each other in some way or another.

Both of you don’t want the moment to end, your lips feeling lonely and tingling for more when you pull away. But you have so much you want to say to him that you hold yourself back from kissing him until both your lips are swollen.

Matty is holding your waist tightly as you straddle his lap, but when you pull back, he can’t help but giggle as he tucks your hair behind your ear as he admits, “I’ve been wanting to kiss you for weeks.”

“Same.” You giggle, and both your thumbs are brushing his cheeks as you hold his face. And you’re so stupidly happy that you’re back in his arms that you’re trying to memorise everything about this moment. You tell him softly, “I’ve missed you.”

Matty’s watching you too, no doubt taking the moment in as well, but he makes your heart burst for him even more when he kisses you again and he mumbles against your lips, “I’ve missed you so much more.”

This time you kiss him properly, deepening it almost straight away. And it could be a minute or it could be ten that passes but neither of you care, you’re just beyond happy to be kissing each other again and with the knowledge that you know you love each other too, it makes things all the more special.

When the both of you part, neither of you move away. You have your foreheads against each others as you catch your breath and share a quiet moment.

Matty smiles as he brushes his nose against yours in the softest eskimo kiss, loving the way he can practically see your eyes sparkle. You can’t disguise the pure and utter elation that you’re feeling.

“So?” Matty hums, the huge grin on his face not leaving for a second. He can’t really believe he gets to ask, “Curly and Wheels round two?”

Your heart melts entirely and you nod, wanting nothing more in the world. You tell him honestly, “You’re it for me, Matty.”

He wants to cry hearing that because that’s exactly how he feels. You feel like you could burst with happiness when he nods, agreeing entirely, “I want it all with you, Sweetheart.”

“I’m going to marry you.” You promise him, giggling slightly but that’s what you’ve always wanted with him.

“Good,” Matty nods, and he’s grinning like a fool when he says, “Because I will ask at some point.”

You giggle at that before kissing him again. You’re beyond words, beyond happy, and entirely too emotional to do anything else. All you can do is kiss the man you love with everything you have left to give him.

Both of you find it difficult to keep kissing, as all you wanted to do was carry on grinning. You have no doubt that for a long while you’ll be like this, all gooey and obnoxiously in love with each other but you already don’t want to change anything about it.

Matty loves you so much, and he always has and always will. Hearing you say that you loved him before was like cupid had shot him through the heart with an arrow all over again. Never for a second did he think he would get this second chance with you but the fact you seem to have felt the same way for months, just like him, has him thanking every higher power there might be.

From the first moment his eyes landed on you, he knew you were it for him. Forever would you plague his mind, body, and soul in the best way possible. It has meant that he’s loved you with everything he has, on every possible level imaginable, and he can’t let himself think about it for too long because he doesn’t want to cry, even though they would be happy tears.

Instead Matty pulls on your hair a little to stop you from pulling away and he bites your bottom lip too, still loving the way you react when you do it. And even when he pulls away to gently kiss all over your face to make you softly giggle before teasingly kissing down your neck, he’s just so thrilled your back in his arms and he gets to experience everything with you all over again but now with a fresh start.

He’s not ever going to fuck it again. You mean far far too much to him to ever let anything stupid happen again.

Of course, whilst you love him kissing your neck, right now you want his lips on your own again, but without his curls to pull on to encourage him back up it’s a little difficult. You end up giggling a little as you move your hand under his jaw and nudge him back up to you that way.

After a few more kisses, you pull away, before pleading, “Please can you grow your hair back. Please.”

You need his curls back. Whilst it's not a deal breaker, you miss them so much and all you want to do is be able to play with his hair again.

Matty giggles at your appeal, knowing it was bound to come at some point. But he nods and promises you, “Yes, I’ll grow my hair back.”

Truthfully, he would probably promise you anything at this moment in time with you like this in his arms again.

“Missed my Curly so much.” You fake a pout as you run your fingers over what little hair he has at the moment.

“I’ve always been right here, Sweetheart.” Matty reminds you, “Not going anywhere.”

Your heart feels like it could burst again, and you tell him again, “I love you.”

And like he’s always been able to, Matty can see just how much you mean it in your eyes. You’ve always been so easy for him to read and he adores that he can see how much it affects you when he tells you, “I love you.”

You all but melt in his arms, and you’re completely and utterly besotted with him. You kiss him again and it’s just as electric as it was years ago. From the little pecks to the lengthy kisses, he takes your breath away and you’ve always taken his away.

Even when you eventually part, and just sit beside each other to cuddle together and Matty puts the end of the album on at your request, you can’t stop grinning. Not even when he goes back to where you were up to and he realises what was playing when you told each other how you felt.

“I’ve just realised you told me you love me whilst Shiny Collarbone was on in the background.” Matty sighs, “That’s really not how I envisioned that going.”

You can’t help but giggle at that now though, finding it rather hilarious after just hearing the song properly again.

“Not what I imagined either,” You laugh, “It’s yet another unconventional but very us moment, that’s for certain. But I love that.”

You end up cuddling into him even more as you both lie down on his settee and listen to the end of the album. You’ll have to have a proper listen again tomorrow because for the last half of it you’re entirely too joyous to pay it the attention it deserves.

Especially because your head is buried into Matty’s neck for most of it as you whisper how much you love him.

Matty shamelessly asks you after a couple of songs, “Do you wanna watch True Romance after the album and tell me you love me because I wanna watch it and tell you?”

“Of course I do.” You smile, kissing just below his ear before you trace them up his jaw until you find those pretty lips of his again.

You stay in that loved up bubble until his new album ends and even then it’s almost a hardship for you to let each other go for long enough to set True Romance up for you both to watch.

Of course, all throughout the film you’re stealing kisses from each other in between quoting the characters. In the parts neither of you care for, you cuddle yourself into the other more, loving the feeling of being back in each other's arms as close as you’ve wanted to be for weeks with the freedom to kiss each other.

I love you’s and I adore you’s were said throughout. Some whispered like it was a fun little secret that you were telling each other, others professed like you want to shout it from the rooftops.

But when the film draws to a close, with the happy ending version obviously, you kiss Matty as the iconic soundtrack music of You’re So Cool plays. And when you pull away, you’re grinning as you tell him, “I love you so much, Curly.”

Whilst you know in your heart it's impossible for him to, you do love it when Matty kisses you whilst he promises, “I love you so so so so so much more, Wheels.”

~*~*~*~ July 24th 2020 ~*~*~*~

Going to a live-in studio after a week of isolation from you all was probably the best thing for all of you. The only downside of it would be that you and Matty haven’t yet told any of the band that you’re back together again, officially or otherwise. They know nothing.

You’d done this mostly because of the fact you and Matty were nothing if not self-aware. You’ve been obnoxiously and almost sickeningly sweet with each other.

Since getting back together, you’ve barely left each other alone. You go on walks together, you eat together, you sit practically in the same seat despite there being a full settee for the both of you, and not to mention the way you cling to each other when you’re cuddling in bed.

It’s been nice just the two of you getting silently acquainted with each other again, both body and mind. Both of you have been the happiest you have in a long long time and you knew nothing would change that.

But now lockdown restrictions are a little easier, and the boys album is finally out, of course Matty was itching for something else to do. So that is how you’ve all ended up at this studio that you will be living in for the next few months.

You know you and Matty are staying here for the full time, as is George. You know that Adam will come and go so Carly isn’t on her own all the time, and you know Ross has been staying at his mates house over lockdown too so he might go between you all and them too.

It’s honestly a miracle that either you or Matty have let each other go long enough to get all of your stuff in the house. You’ve done a pretty good job at leaving each other alone too whilst you greet the rest of your friends but now it’s got to the point where you need to tell them.

The five of you are in the big lounge this place has and you take a deep breath before you stand up.

Here goes nothing.

“Okay,” You get their attention, “So you know I’ve been staying with Matty and-.”

“Yeah,” George interrupts, “Pretty offended you called him and not me.”

Instantly you snort at that, a serious moment quickly becoming funny with his fake jealousy and glare. You pout, “I’m sorry Georgie.”

He hums in fake forgiveness but the smirk that pulls at his lips gives him away that he’s joking. You’re about to start again, but just as you open your mouth, the drummer speaks up again, “You’re looking very pretty today, Baby.”

Whilst the nickname still makes your cheeks go hot, you say, “Thank you George.” before you try again, “But yeah, like I was saying, I’v-”

Of course, he interjects again, not letting you get your words out. He opens his arms and says, “Come and give me a cuddle. I've not had one in months and it’s unfair when you’ve probably had loads of Matty.”

You sigh then, but hide it as you look down to the ground so he can’t see. After a second, you walk towards him saying, “A quick one, okay?”

The drummer nods and he happily embaraces you, letting you sit on his lap for a moment as you cuddle into his big chest. You’ve certainly missed George’s hugs whilst you’ve not been forced to be separate from everyone.

After a long few seconds you try to pull back from him but his arms stay fixed around you. So you have to tap on his chest as you instruct, “Right, let me up.”

“No,” George says as he hugs you tighter, “I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too,” You giggle, “But we have all the time in the world.”

“Nothing as important as right now.” The drummer squishes you into an even bigger hug.

You just give in at this point and let him hold on to you. Catching Matty’s eye you know he’s getting slightly irritable now, purely because you know he’s wanted to be honest with Adam and this new delay from George is grating on him.

Bless your boyfriend though, he’s been really worried about telling Adam. He thinks that your cousin is going to kick off at him and be against your relationship, and Matty’s worried it’s going to come between his friendship with him but also how close you and Adam are.

You’ve told him time and time again that Adam will be fine with it. That Adam will be happy for the both of you, but Matty doesn’t seem to think so.

Secretly, you think that might be something to do with how protective Adam was of you after the first time you split up, with him not letting Matty fight for you or even come to collect his things from your flat. You know your cousin was just trying to minimise the hurt you were going through back then and you wish it could have been different, but that’s how it played out and it’s left Matty quite scared now.

“George,” You say seriously now, “I need to tell you all something.”

“Tell us from here.” George tries to bargain, but you need to get up.

Playfully you try to tickle him to get out, but you forget that he’s a lot stronger than you and he doesn’t like being tickled.

Immediately his hands are around your wrists stopping you, and he pulls you back into him, your wrists at his chest and he widens his eyes at you. You try and get your apology out but he’s too quick, both of your wrists are now in one of his hands and you glare and warn him, “Tickle me and I’ll hurt you.”

But of course, you’re in his lap all you can do when he tickles you is writhe and plead for him to stop. You despise the feeling of being tickled and you’ve punched him before now for him trying to do it, you’d punch anyone for trying to do it, but how you’re stuck and George is having a good laugh at you.

Matty, having enough of it with how stressed he currently is, accidentally lets the news slip as he tells George off, “Will you get off my girlfriend!”

“Your girlfriend?” Ross’ asks, at the same time George’s eyes go wide and he stops tickling.

You sigh, thankful for now being released, you tell them, “We were about to tell you.”

“I can’t believe the day finally came.” George says, deciding now he would just rest his hands on your thighs.

Ross starts to interrogate you, “Since when?”

You tell them truthfully, “The day before my birthday.”

“And you moved in with Matty when?” The bassist looks to your boyfriend for an answer.

Matty thinks for a second but he recalls, “The beginning of June.”

“Wow,” Ross appears to look back around at you with a massive shit eating grin on his face when he says, “Not even three weeks.”

“Why do you care?” Matty asks, almost accusingly.

George grumbles, “Because he’s just won a bet.”

“What?” You question, noting his disheartened face and Ross’ elated one.

“Ross said less than a month,” George explains whilst he digs his wallet out of his pocket, “I said more.”

As you see him counting out £50 in cash, you shake your head at both of them, “You’re both little shits.”

“No, that’s you for losing me money.” The drummer scorns you as he reaches across to hand his friend the money.

“No, you’ve done great,” Ross grins, taking it and pocketting it immediately before he leans down and kisses the top of your head, “I'm very happy for you.”

You’re happy about that, and Matty seems very amused that his friends have had a bet on the two of you. Truthfully it really wasn’t that surprising, but it made it all a bit more lighthearted. And you and Matty really are predictable like that so it’s funny they have tried to make a profit off of you both.

However, you realise that the most important person you wanted to tell has yet to speak a word. You look over to your cousin and try to gauge his reaction, “Ads?”

He’s silent in his chair, just watching you all. It has Matty’s heart racing and not in a good way at all. A quiet Adam could result in many different things, the worst being when he looks disappointed, closely followed by the times he’s exploded in anger, but none of you can predict how this is about to go.

And that’s why you look at him and sincerely plead, “Ads please please don’t be upset, it’s really not to make your life difficult, I just-”

“Y/N,” Your cousin holds a hand up to stop you from overthinking, “As long as you’re happy and my twat of a best mate doesn't hurt you ever again, even once, I’m happy for you.”

At that you smile and just glance at Matty because you knew he would be happy for you.

“Not going to hurt her ever, Hann,” Matty promises, looking your cousin dead in the eyes when he says, “I swear on my Nana.”

Adam maintains his eye contact for a few silent seconds, just to intimidate him the tiniest bit more before he visibly relaxes and smiles, “Then I’m happy for the both of you.”

“Wait,” Matty looks like he can’t believe what’s just been said. He asks your cousin, “Really?”

You interject thought to remind Matty, and you have a big grin on your face as you say, “I told you he’d be fine.”

Matty looks at you like he just might cry, and he looks back at Adam again wanting confirmation, “Are you serious?”

“Yeah, of course I am.” Adam nods and he looks at Matty sincerely when he says, “You’ve always loved her Matty, and you make her happy… She’s been in love with you again for months.”

You’re feeling all gooey inside watching this take place. And your cousin knows you so very well that you didn’t even have to tell him that you loved him again

Tears prick your boyfriend’s eyes then, and he holds no shame at all in letting a tear or two fall before he then leaps on your cousin shouting, “I love you Adam Hann!”

“I love you, I love you, I love you!” Matty yells at the top of his lungs before he grabs the sides of Adam’s face and he pulls him into a big sloppy kiss.

The kiss has you, George, and Ross cackling instantly and you’re so happy Ross manages to take a picture of it. It lasts a fair few seconds much to Adam’s disgust and the rest of your amusement. But it’s just fucking cute to see Matty so fucking happy and entirely relived, even if he does torture your closest family.

When Matty pulls away, and Adam tries his best not to laugh, Matty sits on his lap and continues shouting, “Thank you for your cousin! Thank you thanks for letting me fuck her and not getting too upset about it. Thank you for being a fucking legend, I love you, I love you, I love you.”

And your boyfriend pecks kisses all over his face too feeling so overwhelmed with joy. He’s adorable.

“God, I’m gunna kiss your Mum when I next see her too.” Matty chuckles, “Maybe even your Dad too.”

You laugh fully hearing that because he probably would. And your cousin looks even more disgusted by it all, which is even better.

“Please no,” Adam pleads, still trying to push Matty away, “I’m letting you kiss my cousin, not my Mum.”

“Thank you Hann,” Matty kisses his forehead again, “I love you so much.” before he traps him in a tight hug that has your heart melting.

“I love you too Matty.” Adam grins and he hugs your boyfriend right back.

As you’re watching this cute, sweet, heartfelt moment take place, you just sit back in George’s lap and enjoy the moment. You adore that your boyfriend loves your cousin just as much as you do, and you’ll always love their friendship.

However, as you’re admiring them, George whispers in your ear, “Does this mean our threesome can happen now?”

You almost choke on air. That truly was the last thing you expected George to say as you’re witnessing this wholesome practically family embrace happening in front of you.

Unable to stop yourself, you snort and shake your head in disapproval at him. But instead of giving him an answer, you just jokingly pat his cheek and say, “Give me another month with him, Babe.”

George chuckles at that, and he wraps his arms around your waist so he can hug you as he says, “In all seriousness, I’m really happy for you Baby.” and he leans down and kisses your shoulder.

“Thank you Georgie.” You pout and you kiss the top of his head because despite being a menace you do love him and he’s adorable. You want him to find his real soulmate now, and you even gently knock your head against his as you smile, “Just gotta find you your girl now.”

“Yeah,” George hums, but he sounds disheartened when he admits, “Can't see that happening any time soon.”

And you know he means with lockdown restrictions and everything happening in the world right now. And he’s not that big on doing anything online but you have faith he will find his girl when he least expects it.

You just smile and assure him, “She’ll come spinning in soon, I have no doubt.”

George grins and leans forward to kiss your cheek quickly. And you realise he’s done that right before Matty gently grabs your hand and drags you up from your seat.

Your boyfriend traps you in a tight hug as he says, “I love your brother.”

“I love him too.” You chuckle, and Matty very quickly kisses your lips before you head to Adam and he jumps on George and starts celebrating like it’s the first time he’s ever kissed you.

You wrap your arms around your cousin when you say, “I love you Ads.”

“Love you too.” He responds and you love the way he hugs you even tighter when he assures you, “I’m really really happy for you both.”

“Thank you for assuring him,” You whisper, looking over Adam’s shoulder to see your boyfriend now entirely at peace and horrendously happy. You tell your brother, “He was really really worried.”

“I could tell. But honestly B, as long as you’re happy, I’m happy.” Adam promises, pulling away from the hug to look into your eyes and remind you, “And he’s obsessed with you, it was only a matter of time before you two found each other again.”

“Don’t make me cry Bro.” You warn him because that nearly got you.

Adam just chuckles then and you chat about how Carly and their dog Stevie is for a few minutes. That is before something occurs to your cousin and he has to ask you about it.

“Have you told Alex by the way?” Adam asks you.

“Not yet, I'm going for a walk with him next week and I'm going to tell him then.” You explain, “I wanted to tell yous first so please don't say anything until I do.”

You feel like you owe your other best friend that much at the very least after everything you’ve been through.

“Don't worry, I won't.” Adam promises, “If you had I was just wondering how it went, but I’m sure it’ll be fine. He will just want you to be happy, same as me.”

“Hope so.” You smile.

You are a little worried about it, but after everything you’ve been through you know in your heart that everythings going to be fine when you tell him about you and Matty. You know your best friend just as well as you know your cousin, and you knew he would be fine so you can’t imagine Alex being funny about it.

Adam assures you though, “I know so.”

The rest of your first day at the studio is really fun, and you adore that you get to spend so much time with them over the next few months. After going from no one to having your family right back in front of you it makes you feel so thankful and grateful that you’ve all been okay.

Whilst no other artists are here that they want to record with, you really do want to make the most of your time alone with them. And that first night, you all ended up ordering a huge banquet for you all, and you had the best time laughing and eating and drinking the night away.

Arguably, the funniest part of the night was the moment Matty called you over, “Hey Wheels?”

“Curly.” You grin as you walk over to take his extended hand and he pulls you towards him so you can sit down on his lap.

You happily oblige, but not before pressing a kiss to his lips.

Your boyfriend is all smiley when you pull back, and he silently thanks his lucky stars that you’re his again before he asks what he called you over for, “Can I ask you a few words in French?”

“Course you can.” You nod, happy to help him with anything he’s curious about.

“Okay, how do you say ‘bag’?” Matty asks.

“That’s an easy one.” You hum, “Sac.”

George then chips in and asks, “And the number one is Un, right?”

“Yep,” You smile, encouraging him even though that is primary school knowledge, “Très bien.”

“What’s ten?” Matty asks, drawing your attention back to him.

“Dix.” You tell him, giving him the benefit of the doubt because he’s drunk, but he really should know that, drunk or not.

George asks you again, “And how do you say ‘happiness’?

“Bonheur.” You tell them with a little grin on your face because that’s the exact emotion you’re feeling.

You’ve just had a lovely meal with your family and you’re having the best time getting drunk with them. An evening filled with endless laughs and you’re too elated and blissfully unaware as to how you’re being set up.

“Say all them words in a sentence for me.” Matty asks, giving your waist a squeeze of encouragement, “I know it won’t make sense but please do it.”

Clearly, because you’ve had alcohol yourself, you don’t realise the trap that you’re about to walk straight into.

“Bag, one, ten, happiness?” You frown for a second, but Matty nodding in approval has you doing it without much thinking. You say them all together for him without giving it much thought, “Sac on dix bonheur.”

Matty and George burst out cackling at the same time then, and then you realise what you’ve said. The phrase loosely sounds like you’re saying, ‘Sat on this boner’ in English.

“You're such a dickhead Matthew.” You smack him over the back of his head playfully. You stand up, getting off his lap as you retake your seat between a chuckling Ross and Adam.

You look at the two best friends on the other side of the table and scorn them accordingly, “I did not learn an entirelanguage for you to do that to me.”

“Hey,” Matty holds up his hands in surrender but his amused grin never leaves his face. He looks like he could burst out laughing at any second as he says, “Just trying to be funny.”

“Stop trying to be funny in a foreign language,” You shake your head, “It doesn't work. Especially like that.”

“Was pretty funny to me.” George mumbles behind his hand but you hear him loud and clear.

“Fuck off George!” You shout at him before picking up your glass of wine and downing the last of it.

“Aw Babyyyyy, don’t be like that.” George pouts then, pretending to be all concerned with you until he cracks and says, “I just want you to bag one ten happiness, Baby.”

At that, Matty and Ross drunkenly snort the loudest you’ve possibly ever heard before they burst into a shriek of laughter. George joins in and it takes everything you have to not laugh along with them because even Adam cracked at that and he usually hates jokes about you like that.

“Ross,” You shake your head, “I expected better of you.”

“I’m only mere mortal, Y/N/N.” He laughs before he traps you in a side hug, “Besides, you wanna bag one George and Matty’s happiness too.”

The whole table erupts back up then, and you start laughing. It’s Matty and George’s drunken breathless cackles that have you laughing, and you just push Ross’ shoulder as you fake disapprove of his joke.

You love these boys so much, and despite them all being absolute menaces, it really is good to see the old gang all back together.

But Christ, this is going to be a long few months

~*~*~*~ 3 days later ~*~*~*~

“What you doin’?” Matty makes you jump as he pulls your AirPod out of your ear whilst you were listening to Favourite Worst Nightmare particularly loud.

You turn back to scorn him with a distasteful frown, and at the same time you quickly close your laptop. Acting innocent, you say, “Nothing.”

Matty chuckles at your shocked reaction, but the way you shut your laptop far too quickly has your boyfriend curious, “What were you looking at?”

“Nothing.” You maintain your ground.

“Wheels…” Matty smirks, “Shall I get George to hold you down whilst I tickle you, or do you wanna just tell me?”

Teasingly he leans down over you then, and you maintain eye contact with him trying to seem like you have some sort of ability to say no to him. But that only lasts a few seconds because your boyfriend just leans down and kisses you sweetly until you’re both giggling.

“I was looking at puppies, okay?” You give in and tell him.

The only reason you didn’t want to tell your boyfriend that is because you don’t want him to think that you’re sad for looking at cute dogs whilst he’s busy at work and you don’t feel like painting today. Sometimes looking at puppies is all the serotonin boost a person could need.

“Puppies?” Matty raises his eyebrows in slight surprise.

“Yeah,” You nod, “In the first few months of lockdown I was really debating getting one.”

Matty sits down on the settee beside you, and he excitedly says, “Show me.”

“Really?” You ask a little wide eyed.

“Yes, I love dogs,” Matty reminds you, before laughing, “Sweetheart, where have you been? That Coup De Main photoshoot with the puppies was the best one ever.”

You smile thinking back to those adorable pictures of your friends and you open your laptop back up to show him your favourites which takes at least 20 minutes. Matty finds it funny how you’ve gone as far as to bookmark the ones you absolutely adore, but he thinks his heart stops when you show him a black Cane Corso puppy.

“This little guy was borning back in April and no one has snatched him up yet.” You show your boyfriend all the pictures of this cute little guy getting bigger as the pictures go on. “I’ve watched him get older at this point.”

“Oh my god, look at him.” Matty coos loudly at a particular picture of the cute pup giving the camera those eyes that you just can’t say no too.

“He’s fucking adorable.” You quickly agree, and you’re about to change to close your laptop again when Matty stops you when he excitedly points at your screen.

“Wheels!” Your boyfriend gasps excitedly, and you see him point at the location the pup is at, “That’s like a forty minute drive away!”

“Yeah, I know.” You sigh, not thinking much of it and you wonder why he’s so excited.

And Matty turns to you and says, “Let’s fucking call them and get him.”

Your eyes go wide, “What?”

“Let’s go and get him.” Matty repeats, but this time he’s more excited, like a puppy himself who hasn’t been trained yet.

Just to be certain, you ask, “You wanna get a dog?”

“If you wanna get a dog with me, Wheels, I will get one with you?” Matty is grinning so hard, his cheeks start to hurt. But he is serious when he adds. “I don’t wanna pressure you, like if you don’t want to because I’ll be away on tour sometimes and you don’t want to be left with him. We don’t have to but if you wanna get a dog with me I wanna get one with you.”

“I don’t feel pressured,” You promise him, “I just didn’t think you’d wanna get a dog today... Besides, a dog would be nice company when you’re away anyway, that isn’t a hardship. A dog would be easier to deal with than you some days.”

“But you won’t have to deal with me not being here for a while yet,” Matty leans forward and kisses your lips a few times between him grinning like a child who wants a sweet. “So… We could call and see if he’s still available?”

You can’t even pretend like that’s not a great idea. Kissing him back quickly, you question, “Do you wanna call or shall I?”

~*~*~*~

You were the one that ended up calling the owner up and after a lengthy chat, you went to see the puppy. And he was fucking adorable.

The owner did their checks on you and Matty, seeing if they felt comfortable enough around the two of you, asked you about the quality of life you could give the dog with where you both lived and they seemed pleased with your answers and the way you interacted with the puppy. From yours and Matty’s point of view it all felt like the interview of sorts was going well and you were really pleased with their decision.

They decided that they were happy enough to sell you the cute little Cane Corso puppy and that’s how you’ve ended up with the little guy on your knee as Matty drives back to the live-in studio.

The little guy is currently asleep on the makeshift bed of blankets you brought with you and you’ve been stroking him non-stop to keep him settled. You can’t stop looking at him and you know Matty feels the same and as every chance he has he’s glancing at your new puppy.

Matty grins at you, “I can’t wait to get him toys and to play with him.” and he gives the pups head a little scratch whilst he doesn’t need to change gear.

Your boyfriend can’t stop looking at the way there’s a smile permanently fixed on your face. Even you cooing and awhing at the small dog, he can tell has you all gooey inside and him seeing the two of you together has Matty feeling the exact same.

“Oh, I have no doubt that you and this little guy getting into play flights will be pure mayhem,” You laugh, “Especially in the studio with George there to tease him as well.”

“Mayhem…” Matty hums, a smile growing on his lips. “That’s a cool name.”

“You wanna call him Mayhem?” You almost gasp, looking down at the poor dog who has been nothing but sweet and playful in your presence. You cuddle him closer, “But he’s so cute.”

“But did you see him with his Mum, he was so chaotic,” Matty chuckles thinking back to the owner's dog and the way the pup interacted with its Mum, bouncing about around her and probably annoying the older dog a little. It was cute, so Matty says again, “Mayhem would be such a fitting name. Or we could call him Chaos.”

You think about it for a second, and you really can’t imagine yourself shouting Chaos at the park when you take him out for a walk. So you agree to Matty’s first suggestion.

You quickly tell him, “I prefer Mayhem.”

“Mayhem it is, Sweetheart.” Matty confirms with a nod.

You laugh, finding deciding on a name in a car with Matty all too familiar. But you wouldn’t change it for the world.

After about 10 minutes, little Mayhem is awake again and he keeps trying to move out of your lap to sniff and lick Matty which he does to his arm a few times. You have again just had to pick the puppy up and place him back in your lap as he was trying to get to your boyfriend.

“No no no, you can play with your Dad when we get home. Cuddle me Mayhem.” You tell the puppy as you cuddle him into your chest again. But then he looks up at you with those adorable eyes and you start babying him, “Yeah, you’re Mayhem. That's your new name. And you’re so so cute.”

Matty can’t help but find this whole interaction rather adorable as you continue on, “I'm going to need you to stay this cute forever, or at the very least until your Dad goes back on tour and you can be my guard dog and my best friend. Deal?”

And like he can understand you, Mayhem licks your nose as if in agreement which makes you giggle, “Thank you Mayhem.”

Matty’s heart just melted watching what he could of that scene which just took place. He loves you so fucking much and he can’t wait for Mayhem to worm his way into his heart almost as deep as you go.

Thankfully for Matty, the traffic in front of him stops at a red light so he can reach over and scratch Mayhem’s head, but when you look at your boyfriend you see that he’s smiling at you with a lot of emotion in his eyes.

“What?” You ask gently as you smile back at him.

“I’m just happy Sweetheart.” Matty grins, and he genuinely means it with the whole of his being.

His chest feels full with the love he has for you and the visual of you holding the new addition to your little family. Matty doesn’t think he’s ever been as happy as he is right this second.

“I'm glad,” You smile at your boyfriend, and you lean down to kiss the top of Mayhem’s head as he licks Matty’s wrist and you say, “I have no doubt he’ll be a handful but we can handle it.”

“We can.” Matty nods, his smile getting bigger when he says, “This little guy is just practise for when we start a proper family, ey?

It takes everything you have to not let your eyes well up then. Instead you just look at the man you love with the whole of your heart and nod, “Yeah.”

For a few seconds, you both look at Mayhem, laughing a little when he goes to nip Matty’s hand because he’s getting a little too excited. But when Matty scratches the dog's head instead, you tell your boyfriend to make sure he’s aware, “I love you, you know.”

Your words make his heart swell, and his do the same to you when he sincerely tells you, “I love you more.”

You shake your head, “Impossible.” because with the way you feel about him, you don’t know how he could love you more.

But he really can. He’s loved you since he first saw you, and he will remind you every single day that he loves you more than he ever thought possible.

“Not for me.” Matty shakes his head and leans across to kiss you.

~*~*~*~ August 7th 2020 ~*~*~*~

Of course when you got back to the studio a few days ago, the guys absolutely loved Mayhem. The evening of work they had planned was thrown out of the window entirely.

Everyone loved the dog, you and Matty barely got a moment to yourselves with your new dog, but thankfully you got that when you went to bed and Mayhem came and cuddled you both. And the owner had already had him vaccinated too so you got your moments alone with your puppy when you went out on walks too.

He’s a good dog, completely adorable and as he’s a little older than most puppies usually are when they leave their Mum, he was trained a little too. There was still work to do but you have all the time in the world with him.

Matty kept calling him chonky which never failed to make you laugh. You were honestly so thrilled, and even today when you drove back to London with Mayhem so you could go on your walk with Alex in his local park, you’re excited for someone else to meet your new dog too.

Alex met you at the park, and immediately he crouched down to Mayhem’s level and let the dog sniff, lick, and even jump on him. Your best friend looks like he could spend all his time with your new dog and you both laugh when he jokingly told you to go back home and he would take Mayhem on the walk.

When he stands up, you hug your best friend so tight as the last time you got to hug him was back in March. It’s been a fucking long 5 months.

You and Alex walk and catch up with each other for a long while. And obviously it gets to a point where you have to tell him about your relationship status.

After just building your way up to getting it out, you just end up telling him simply, “Me and Matty are back together…”

You find that you’re almost bracing yourself for some sort of negative reaction from him, but instead your best friend keeps a straight face, and he looks at you and asks, “Are you happy?”

“Yeah,” You nod, “I really am.”

You have no doubt that this is the happiest you’ve ever been. You’re hopelessly in love with your boyfriend and all of your friends are fine and healthy in the midst of the pandemic you’re currently in.

The painting’s you’re doing are the best you’ve ever done. You’re the most inspired to create you ever have been, and you’re happy in your own body and in yourself.

“Good,” Alex smiles, and he playfully nudges your shoulder as he says, “I’m happy for you. For you both.”

And it’s like relief floods you. All you’ve ever wanted is for both of your best friends to get along, and you realise it was partly your fault that they never did, but after hearing Alex say he’s happy for both of you, it makes you think that they can actually be friends with each other now.

“Thank you, that’s all I want for you too.” You’re grinning like a fucking idiot with how joyous you currently feel. “I just want you to find someone and be really happy with them.”

“Thank you Angel.” Alex says, but then you watch as he looks down to the ground and tries to hide a huge smile coming to his face.

Immediately, you stop walking, much to Mayhem's distress, but you make your best friend look at you when you ask, “What was that grin?”

“Nothing.” He shakes his head, and he goes shy, so you know something is going on. Or more like someone.

“Alexander Turner, that was not nothing,” You’re grinning now, seeing him all embarrassed. You don’t let it go, you press on, “You had someone in mind… Who was it?”

“I’m sort of speaking to someone and it’s at the point where we never want to be off the phone to each other.” Alex admits and his cheeks get increasingly rosy as he gets more embarrassed.

Your jaw drops, absolutely thrilled for him and loving this information. More details are needed though, and you continue to pry as you both start walking again, letting Mayhem explore a little more.

“Who?” You excitedly ask, “Do I know them?”

“Believe it or not,” Alex chuckles, running a hand through his hair before he looks at you and explains, “You actually had a hand in setting us up.”

Your eyes immediately go wide, not recalling doing anything to set him up with anyone. You wonder if it’s another artist you’ve made him listen to before now and he’s met them because he said he liked their music. But you’re well off.

“Who?” You ask with wide eyes.

Alex is trying not to grin like a fool as he explains, “Do you remember who you met in Tennessee with Matty?”

“Ella!?” You almost scream her name in the park.

Alex is chuckling at your wide eyes and the way you ask excitedly, “You’re speaking to Ella?”

“Yeah, we’ve been talking non-stop since New Year.” Alex confirms, with pink cheeks and he’s a little embarrassed when he admits, “Literally not an hour goes by when we're not on the phone or texting each other.”

Instantly, you’re calling your best friend adorable and he tells you how they started talking again. For the entire story you’re cooing, making Alex more blushy but he tells you how much she means to him and how finally he wants to pursue her properly.

Whilst you think this new relationship is the cutest thing ever, you have to bully your best friend for a second when you remember a defining feature of Ella’s.

“Oh, you’re a horny fucker,” You look at your best friend with knowing eyes, “You just want that ‘Pure Desire’ tattoo wrapped around your throat.”

You couldn’t really forget that tattoo on the back of Ella’s hand if you tried. When you were dancing with each other on the side of the stage at The 1975’s show in Nashville, you grabbed that hand of hers many times to twirl her around and you’re sure you were accidentally longing for it around your own neck.

Alex laughs, and he nods, “I wanted that hand wrapped around my throat eight years ago.”

“Should have put a ring on her back then instead of that other American.” You tell him, thinking how him and Ella would have probably gone the distance if he had gone for her instead of Arielle.

“Yeah yeah I know, but we're going to make up for lost time.” Alex is smiling like a fool as he tells you, “I really like her and we get on as if we’ve still been chatting all these years.”

You’re beyond happy for your best friend. You can see that he’s entirely in love with her already, as his eyes sparkle when he talks about her, the exact same way his eyes used to be when he looked at you.

You’re so thankful he’s found the right person for him though. And you hope to every higher power that they work out.

“I’m a little bit jealous of you,” You admit, thinking back to meeting her and what you’ve seen on her social media since, “She’s gorgeous.”

“She is.” Alex nods, and he is entirely enamoured with Ella.

“Not going to lie Alex,” You’re not really that embarrassed when you reveal, “Her Instagram has me in a chokehold. No pun intended.”

And it really does. She’s hot as fuck. And she takes the most amazing pictures of both other people and herself. The photoshoots she’s done of herself and her friends had your eyes going wide and you definitely want her to take your picture.

When you get married you will definitely be asking her to do your boudoir pictures.

“Same.” Alex laughs as he admits.

But you admit just how far back you went, “No, like, I went back to 2014.”

“Stalker.” Alex laughs at you, as if he’s not done exactly the same.

“You’d understand if you’d seen that motorbike picture of her.” You tell him, because she looked sexy as fuck lay back across her motorbike, her figure on full display for everyone to see.

The woman isn’t a model, but she really fucking should be. She just posts content like that, looking all hot for free. She should get paid to do it. The woman is stunning.

“Yes,” Alex shyly nods, “Believe me, I know the one.”

“Ha. I bet you do.” You give him a knowing look, “Dirty boy.”

And as soon as he avoids eye contact you know for a fact that he has been a dirty boy to pictures of her.

Alex tells you about how Ella has been planning to move to the UK as Focus Creeps is taking a change in direction and if she moves to the uk with her boss she will essentially get to be second in charge. So it seems like it will be the both of both worlds, if she moves she will get a promotion and she gets to be with Alex.

The both of you stay and talk for a few hours, and it feels like the time flies by. Before you know it, you realise that to beat rush hour back to the studio you need to be heading off.

Of course, you offer Alex a lift home, but he declines saying he’s going to call Ella on his way back and it makes you coo over their relationship again.

Whilst you know you hugged him earlier, as you’ve been walking around, you notice that some people have been walking further apart, so you ask Alex, “Can we hug goodbye or is it still not allowed?”

“I won’t tell you if you don’t.” Alex grins and you don’t hesitate to throw your arms around him.

As you hug each other tightly, you tell him, “I love you Shakespeare, and I’m so beyond happy for you and Ella.”

“Love you too Angel, I’m happy for you too.” Alex pressed a kiss to your temple, “And once she’s over here we’ll do another walk with her, and go out or something.”

“Yes please, I'd love that.” You nod and you give each other another long squeeze before you let each other go.

You love your best friend so much and you’re so happy that he’s found his girl.

And you love that he loves your puppy too because as soon as he’s let go of you, he crouches down to pay your dog the attention he deserves.

After playing with him for a minute and getting him all excited, Alex chuckles as he pets him, “Nice to meet you Mayhem. I’ll see you again soon.”

You give your best friend one last hug, smiling, “Bye Shakespeare.”

“Bye Angel.” Alex smiles.

~*~*~*~ 7 April 2021 ~*~*~*~

Whilst you’ve been through two more lockdowns since you first got Mayhem, life has improved for you more than you ever thought it could. You and Matty are closer than ever, completely and utterly in love still and you have completely moved into his house with him.

You rent out a little art studio a little further into the city which you absolutely adore, and you have booked another gallery for the summer of 2022. You’ve been taking a lot of commissions recently and every customer seemed to adore them, and you’re really excited for more to eventually come through.

Mayhem is a lot bigger than he was, as he’s just about coming up to being a year old. He is still the most gorgeous and playful dog and you and Matty have him fully trained now and he’s definitely a Mummy’s boy, which is even funnier when you cuddle him instead of Matty and your boyfriend gets jealous.

On a very bright side, you finally have your curly haired brunette back.

During the lockdowns Matty ended up bleaching his hair when he still had a buzzcut, which was a nice change you will admit. You even liked it when he ended up putting a pastel pink dye over that as it made waiting for his hair to grow out a little more fun.

But thankfully, now you have your Curly back and he’s looking as gorgeous as ever. His long unruly curls are back and if you have any say in it, they will never be leaving again.

All of your friends are also doing amazing too. Y/B/F and Charlie are back in the flat as whilst Covid is still around, it’s a lot less dangerous thanks to the vaccines. They are happy and have set a date for their wedding for this coming August so you’ve been helping her plan everything and you’re really excited.

Alex and Ella are official and when she moved to the UK, Ella pretty much moved in with Alex straight away. It was so easy to tell how they effortlessly love each other and the more time they spent together the closer they became. She was staying in a flat for the first month she came over but she was with Alex every single day, so there was really no point in them delaying it.

They are the cutest pair and in October they will be having their 1 year anniversary together. You’ve never seen Alex happier and you’re beyond thankful he’s found his girl.

It’s sickening how much they adore each other, it really makes sense why no one can stand being around you and Matty for too long because you’ve been told that you and Matty are apparently worse. But you absolutely love the couple with all of your heart and you can see them having a very bright future together.

In some iconic news, which simultaneously wrecked your soul, George got himself a girlfriend. Who is the most iconic pop artist on the planet, Miss Charli XCX.

The pair started fucking each other during the time that No Rome, The 1975, and Charli were working on the song Spinning together. The thought of the pair being fuck buddies had you having a bisexual meltdown as that is a sandwhich you wish you could be in the middle of.

At first, you and Matty knew it was the convenience of another lockdown coming along where you were once again in and out of a live-in studio that brought George and Charli together. Boredom in a lockdown and having someone to fuck really worked well, especially for the new power couple.

After the single came out in March, the pair didn’t really have an excuse to keep on fucking, but it was clear to everyone that they really fancied each other. Just as clear as it was to Matty that you fancied both George and Charli a little too much, but they are pretty iconic so your boyfriend let that one slide a bit.

The couple became official just a week ago and you really see it going the distance. They are both into the same music, they both like creating new music to pass the time, they probably fuck each others lights out the best anyone ever has, so you weren’t at all surprised when George made things official.

As he should. He’s probably the luckiest bastard alive. You don’t know who you are more jealous of though, George or Charli.

And you’ve all made it through this pandemic which is a complete blessing. And the first people who come to see you after the lockdown finishes is your cousin and his girlfriend.

They got here a few hours ago and you almost thought that they came a day early before Matty’s birthday party. It’s your boyfriend’s birthday tomorrow and you’re having a small gathering for him, per his request, but it will just be a few people coming round to get drunk.

Today Adam brought his and Carly’s dog Stevie round with them so Mayhem could have a friend to play with. And watching the two gods has been quite amusing as all four of you ended up ordering a take out so you could eat together.

It’s been a really lovely afternoon with them, and you love Carly like she’s your sister so it is no hardship at all for you to get on with her the same way you do with Adam. And Matty has an easy time of keeping you all entertained so you’ve had a really nice day.

As you sit down with another brew for you and her, you ask, “Was lockdown okay for you both? Not get too bored?”

“No, it was okay thankfully,” Carly smiles, and asks, “What about you?”

“Can’t exactly get bored with Matty.” You nod your head towards him and laugh, “The hyper activity really kept us active and it’s always fun with a puppy.”

“I can’t believe how big he is now.” Carly says as the both of you look down to Mayhem who is lying down beside Stevie.

You hum, smiling, “Me neither.”

Mayhem is a big boy now. He’s not the tiny puppy you started out with, which is a little gutting but it’s not like you didn’t know it would happen. You just miss being able to cuddle him with him sat fully on your lap as now he’s far too big.

“Are you sure he’s a Cane Corso?” Adam chips into your conversation, all of you now looking at your dog, “He still looks like he could be a labrador.”

“Just you wait,” You joke, “He’ll be bigger than Matty this time next year.”

“And subsequently you, Wheels.” Your boyfriend teases you, which you do kind of deserve.

“I know,” You chuckle, “But I just want him to be my little baby for a bit longer. I love mothering him.”

“Mother who? Mayhem or Matty?” Carly jokes and it has everyone but Matty giggling.

All of you chat about everything and nothing. Matty telling your cousin about a few ideas he’s had for future music but nothing concrete just yet. But once Adam joins yours and Carly’s conversation, Matty gets thinking and he knows your cousin well, he never usually just comes round to chill out, and he looks like he has a little nervous energy about him, so your curly haired brunette decides to investigate.

Once the conversation finishes, Matty asks the couple, “What’s brought you two over anyway? Hann never just wants to pop round to see me.”

You find yourself laughing at that, still loving how their brotherly love is shown in the way of lightly bullying each other. You offer up a reason, “He might have wanted to see me.”

“Don't be silly Sweetheart,” Matty shakes his head, and then he leans his chin on Adam’s shoulder to ask him, “Do you have an early birthday present for me? Is it a kiss Hann, because I’ve not had one in a while.”

“No,” Your cousin shakes his head firmly, and he jokes, “You would only be so lucky.”

You and Matty watch then as the couple glance and smile at each other and you know something is about to be said before Adam even says, “We actually have some news.”

“Oh?” You smile and raise your eyebrows.

You glance at Matty and share a smile at him because you’ve both debated this time and time again and the both of you think you know what you’re about to be told.

“Has he finally proposed to you Carls?” Matty asks, wanting to get the scoop straight away. And he bullies your cousin a little more in the process, “I think you’ve been waiting long enough for now. I hope he’s done it.”

“Not yet,” Carly laughs, “You’re very cheeky Matty.”

Your boyfriend giggles at that and then throws his arm around Adam’s shoulder as he proudly says, “Bane of your fiance's life.”

“Not my fiance yet,” Carly giggles herself before she looks between you and Matty as she tells you, “We actually came to tell you that we’re having a baby.”

Both yours and Matty’s gasp at the same time, “What?”

“We’re having a baby.” Adam repeats, the couple now grinning at both of your reactions.

They have never seen either of you more shocked. But it’s no surprise to either of them when the both of you immediately get emotional about it.

“Oh my god,” Matty has tears in his eyes when he says, “Why didn’t you tell me to shut my gob?”

Adam just laughs at him, “We tried.”

“Not hard enough.” Matty pulls your cousin into the biggest hug he’s ever given him then and he doesn’t hold back his tears.

On the other settee, you’re the same with Carly. Happy tears are running down your face that you keep on wiping away so they don’t land on her shoulder.

You tell her how much you love her and how happy for her you are. It’s actually difficult to get everything you want to say out because if there’s anyone in the world that deserves a happy little family of their own it is Adam.

After a few minutes, you stand up to hug your cousin and you throw your arms around him, still crying yourself, and tell him, “I’m so happy for you Ads.”

“Thank you B.” Adam hugs you back just as tight.

He had been so excited to tell you. It really was a struggle for him to not come and tell you straight away but instead he had to hold off and tell both his and Carly’s parents first.

“You’re going to be the best Dad.” You tell him when you manage to stop yourself crying for a brief second, but you’re still clutching him tightly.

It makes Adam a little teary eyed hearing you say that, and he whispers a small, “Thank you.” into your ear.

When you eventually let your cousin go, you see that Matty has his arm around Carly, hugging her by his side and they were just standing watching you. Seeing their smiles just makes you cry more, but at the same time you laugh because it feels a bit pathetic even though you know it’s not.

They all laugh at you and you don’t know who, but you can only assume it’s Matty that makes the other two give you a group hug. All you know is that the next second, your face is in Matty’s chest and Carly and Adam are on either side of you hugging you, all of you laughing.

“We also needed to see if Auntie Y/N/N and Uncle Matty would be around to be cool babysitters for us?” Carly says, which is the best thing you’ve possibly ever heard, but you’re too emotional right now.

“Stop, I'll cry more!” You squeal as you wipe your tears on Matty’s top and you bite your tongue to not cry more when he kisses the top of your head.

“Course we will,” Matty promises, and then he kisses Adam’s cheek, “Hann,” and Carly’s head, “Carls,” and when they look at him, you can hear the emotion in his voice when he says, “We’re so happy for the both of you.”

And later you will remind yourself to give your boyfriend a thank you kiss for getting the words out for you.

After you think you’ve got through the initial emotional reaction to it, and you think the waterworks have stopped for the day. And for a while, you’re right.

You find out that Carly is 12 weeks and they have already told their parents, and they are about to go and tell the other two boys tonight. And they asked Matty if it would be okay to tell the others who were coming round tomorrow and of course he said that it was fine.

Before you know it, it’s time for them to go and tell George and Ross before it gets too late, so the couple head out. But not before they make you emotional again after you’ve hugged Adam goodbye you then watch you boyfriend hug Carly, and you hear her say, “Happy early birthday present, Uncle Matty.”

“Stop it,” Matty says, getting teary eyed again which subsequently has you then same. Matty tells her, “I'm actually going to sob and I will for days.”

You all chuckle at that, and you wipe away another fallen tear from your cheek as you listen to your cousin’s girlfriend.

“Well that's why we came to tell you today. I don’t want you crying on your birthday,” Carly chuckles, “Not to mention we had to come and tell you before you asked me why I wouldn’t drink with you tomorrow.”

“Very clever.” Matty pulls her into another hug, and he kisses her temple.

Once he has let go of Carly, you walk out to the small courtyard at the front of the house with Carly and you help her get Stevie on her lead before you say your goodbye to her there. And whilst you’re there you have no idea that the boys are watching you from the front door after they hug each other.

Matty just told your cousin, “Baby Hann is going to be spoiled rotten and you can’t tell me off for it.”

And when Adam laughs, nodding approvingly, Matty then watches the way your cousin looks at Carly. His whole face lights up seeing her, and the love he has for her is clear to see.

“Adam,” Matty gets his attention back, and your boyfriend pleads with everything he has, “Put a ring on that woman, for christ sake.”

Because he can see just how much Carly means to him. And the pair have chatted before, Matty knows he wants to marry her, so it’s really beyond him why he would wait to get engaged to her even now when they are having a baby together. He just wants your cousin, his best friend, to have the happiest of endings because he deserves every ounce of happiness.

Your cousin just smirks and fires back ,“I could say the exact same to you.” which shocks Matty entirely.

He really wasn’t expecting that. So after a brief second to process what that means, Matty asks, “You’d let me?”

“Course I would.” Adam nods, looking your boyfriend in his eyes when he says, “If you’re waiting for a blessing Matty, you got that a long time ago. You love her more than anyone ever has.”

Glancing back at you and Carly hugging each other has Adam smiling. You and Matty certainly deserve to be as happy as he is feeling right now. So he looks back at your boyfriend and tells him, “You better ask her before she asks you at this point.”

Matty wants to chuckle at that, because it really would be a move that you would pull. But he’s still a little shocked Adam just told him that he would let you marry him, so your boyfriend just ends up nodding, “I’ll get on that.”

And it’s not like he didn’t already have plans to, he just hadn’t worked up the courage to actually ask Adam for his blessing yet.

“You better had.” Adam tells him, before giving him an ultimatum, “Before the year is up or I revoke the blessing.”

Matty frowns a little, “You can’t revoke it when you’ve just given it me.”

Adam just laughs then and Matty all but launches himself into your cousin's arms again. Your curly haired brunette’s voice is full of adoration when he says, “I love you Hann.”

“I love you too, Matty.” Adam smiles, before kissing his best friend's head.

~*~*~*~ 23rd June 2021 ~*~*~*~

You’re currently back over in Sheffield staying with your best friend and Charlie for a few days with Matty and Mayhem, per Y/B/F’s request. She’s throwing you a small party of sorts for your 35th birthday in a couple of days and you were having a really nice time just catching up with her in your old home.

The both of you have been early risers for a very long time and with Charlie on a 3pm till 3am last night, he was still asleep in bed, and considering Matty never sleeps well, you’ve let him sleep in too. After all, who really wants to be up on a Wednesday morning at 8am if they don’t have to be?

You and your best friend have just had breakfast together and now you’re sitting on the settee beside each other after having just taken Mayhem outside for a quick walk around the block. You just assume that your dog will himself down underneath the window on the floor like he usually does when you’re back home, and he will more than likely fall asleep again soon, but this time you’re wrong.

Instead, Mayhem gets himself up on the settee between you and he spins himself round twice before he lies down, curling himself up into a tight little ball whilst you and Y/B/F smile and stroke him. Your not so little puppy lifts his head after a moment though and he rests it down on your stomach as you are leaning back into your seat.

You smile at that and scratch the top of Mayhem’s head how you know he likes, and you continue doing so until your best friend startles you by saying, “That’s usually a sign that you’re pregnant when dogs do that, you know?”

Of course you’ve heard that myth before, but you’ve never had your own dog to pay attention to like that. You just shake the comment off and say, “Don’t say that.”

“It’s true.” Y/B/F tells you with a ghost of a smile on her lips. She does like teasing you, she misses doing it in person.

“He’s just my affectionate little man.” You tell her, and continue to pet Mayhem. And you defend his actions, “He’s done this before.”

“They bark and become more protective over you too,” Y/B/F tells you more of the folklore, and she raises her eyebrows at you as she points out, “And you said yesterday when we took him on our walk that it was strange of him to be growling and barking as much as he was doing when a few people were walking past us whilst we were sat down.”

A few beats of silence pass the both of you by before your best friend delivers her closing argument, “He could be trying to tell you something.”

“For fucks sake.” You sigh after a minute of glaring at her and getting all pouty about it, “I’m not going to rest now until I take a test.”

You and Matty weren’t exactly being careful, but you’re on the pill. But you’re also very aware that sometimes people can get pregnant whilst being on the pill so you know that for peace of mind you’re just going to have to take a test. You really wish she hadn’t brought it up.

“Oh relax, you and Matty could handle it.” Y/B/F tells you, “I already know you’d be great parents and I’m sure Mayhem would agree.”

You smile at the way she pats Mayhem then and the way he huffs in reaction to her. And thinking about it logically, you know that you and Matty would be fine if you did have a baby, but there are a few things you ideally would have liked to do before that happened. However, at the same time, it really wouldn’t be the end of the world.

“Come on,” Y/B/F brings you out of your thoughts and she gets up and offers you her hand to help you up. She tells you, “I have pregnancy tests in the bathroom. I’ll do one with you like I used to make you do with me so you don’t get stressed out.”

You chuckle, loving how she could always make something serious easier to deal with. You nod and take her hand, “Okay.”

So that is how you and Y/B/F are currently in the bathroom, Y/B/F now sitting on the toilet seat lid, you standing up by the sink, waiting eagerly for the results of the two pregnancy tests that are resting on the side of the bath and for the two minutes to be up.

You just nipped back out to the lounge to grab your tea because the nerves that you get everytime this happens makes your mouth dry. But that is your undoing.

You weren’t panicked about it at all, it just seems like your body's reaction when you do take one. After all this was only a conspiracy about dogs knowing if someone is pregnant or not and you’re debunking it.

But you’re an idiot who didn’t shut the door properly when you came back into the bathroom. Because Mayhem has just snuck his way in and his excited tail wagging back and forth has just knocked both of the pregnancy tests into the empty bath, muddling them up so you don’t know who’s is who’s… And one of them is positive.

Both you and Y/B/F swear at the same time, before forming a very quick and calculated plan, neither of you panicking about it though. You just need to know which one of you is pregnant sooner rather than later.

You quietly put Mayhem back into the bedroom with Matty before both you and Y/B/F head out to the closest supermarket to get decent tests. Both of you buy a box of the Clear Blue tests so you can be certain and make sure whoevers positive is actually positive, and when you come back the both of you do your tests again but keep them on either side of the sink.

As you wait, you hold each other's hand and Y/B/F jokes, “Remember when we always used to say that the both of us would end up being together when we found out one of us was pregnant?”

“Yeah,” You nod, thinking back to all the times you’d forced each other into doing one and they had thankfully all came out negative when you were younger.

“Least we’re actual adults and capable now.” Y/B/F chuckles and you giggle in agreement.

It feels like the longest few minutes of your lives, and when you check the timer on your phone you still have another minute left. It feels like an age passes and when the alarm goes off it almost makes you jump.

You and your best friend keep your eyes on each other for a moment, and you squeeze each other's hand when she asks, “Ready?”

“Ready.” You nod, knowing whatever the outcome, you’re both going to be fine. You tell her quickly, “I love you.”

“I love you too.” Y/B/F smiles back and after giving each other a nod of encouragement, the both of you check your tests.

When you look down at your test, you find yourself surprised when you see it only has one line… Negative.

It shocks you as the lore about the dogs knowing had really gotten into your head, but then Y/B/F squeezes your hand and you look at hers… Pregnant 3+

“Are you okay?” You immediately ask her.

She looks at you then, nodding a little, but her eyes flick back to the test clearly a little in disbelief, “Yeah, just a bit shocked.”

And of course she was going to be. You bet she never for a second thought she would randomly be doing a pregnancy test today, let alone for it to come back positive.

You sit her back down on the closed toilet seat so she can process it as best she can as you crouch down in front of her and hold her hand. After a few seconds, she asks you to pass her her phone that she put on the sink too and you grab it instantly and give it to her.

After about 20 seconds of scrolling and tapping, your best friend lets out a little sigh and she looks a little jaw dropped. You’re about to ask her what’s going on until she starts speaking.

“I’ve just checked my tracker, and I didn’t come on last month.” She tells you and she runs a hand through her hair as she looks you in the eyes and scorns herself, “Oh my god, I’m such an idiot for making you worry. I’m so sorry.”

“I wasn’t worried, don’t apologise.” You dismiss her apologies as you would have been fine if it was you, it was something you could handle and you have no doubt if she wants this baby, she will be able to handle it too.

You ask her softly when she locks her phone, “Are you happy? You look shocked, rightly so.”

“Yeah, I’m happy.” She tells you after a brief second of silence. And her eyes get all sparkly when she half grins, “I’m going to be a Mum.”

“You’re going to be the best Mum in the whole world.” You nod, your eyes doing the same as you can see just how much this means to her now she’s processing the news.

Y/B/F is crying when she pulls you into a hug, and she says into your ear, “I love you.”

“I love you so much more.” You promise her.

You’re both crying for a minute, but in this scenario that isn’t a shock. This was a massive surprise, and you’re still a little in disbelief it’s not yourself this has happened to.

Y/B/F releases you briefly from the hug to pull back and ask you seriously, “In the unlikely event that this ever happens to either of us and our boyfriends actually don’t want the baby, can we promise to run away with each other and raise them ourselves?”

You want to sob for her that she would ever think that Charlie wouldn’t want their little baby, because you know for a fact that he will be over the moon when he finds out soon. But you understand that she wants reassurance, and you don’t hesitate to give it to her.

You nod, “You have my word.” and you offer her a pinky swear which she returns instantly.

“Thank you.” Y/B/F sniffles, and she wipes her tears as she says, “I know Charlie is going to be thrilled, but I just needed to hear that.”

“Of course.” You chuckle before telling her that you love her again and she does the same to you.

It’s a fun little cycle that eventually calms the both of you down, and stops you both crying. But that isn’t to say that your emotions can’t be seen on your now puffy features when you leave the bathroom, and it seems like you’re really obvious.

When you unlock the bathroom door and the both of you emerge from it, you give your best friend another hug outside the door and wish her luck as she’s about to go and wake Charlie up to tell him. But before you even let each other go, the door to the other side of you opens and Mayhem quickly trots out, paying neither of you attention, but your boyfriend clearly does.

Seeing the both of you standing there and hugging each other makes him a little worried, especially when he sees that your eyes are a little swollen. He looks at you first and asks, “Everything okay?”

“Yeah everythings good.” You promise him and nod as you let go of your best friend.

Matty looks at her then though and asks, “Y/B/F?”

“Yeah I’m really good. I’m gunna quickly…” She trails off and points to hers and Charlie’s room and you nod understanding.

She smiles at you again and with one last squeeze on each of your arms, she disappears into her bedroom, and you’re left with Matty.

“Are you okay?” Your boyfriend asks again as you immediately make the short way towards him and you from your arms around him, trapping him in a big hug.

“Yeah,” You nod, hiding yourself in his neck. You make sure he can hear you when you ask a little rhetorically, “I love you, you know?”

Your curly haired brunette nods and promises, “I love you too.”

He has to ask again though, “Is Y/B/F okay?”

“Yeah,” You’re smiling like a fool as you pull back from the hug and tell him, “She’s just found out she’s making us be an Aunt and Uncle again, so she’s a tad emotional.”

And your cute way of telling Matty that your best friend is pregnant immediately has his eyes watering, just like they did when Adam told you both the news.

Matty very quickly kisses your lips, before he hugs you tightly and suggests, “I think we keep getting the best early birthday presents, don't you?”

“The very best.” You hum in agreement.

~*~*~*~

After waking Charlie up and telling him, the pair were obviously really emotional as expected. Whilst he was of course happy, his nurse mode turned on almost immediately and for peace of mind because they didn’t know, Charlie called one of his friends who was at work today and asked if there was any chance they could squeeze Y/B/F in for a quick scan.

She’d been drinking over the last few months as she clearly didn’t know she was pregnant, and of course they wanted the peace of mind that everything was fine. Thankfully Charlie’s friend managed to get them in and whilst they have gone for their appointment, you and Matty have gone out on a walk with Mayhem.

Your curly haired brunette used to love it when you’d take him on walks around Sheffield when you were first together, and he still adores it now. Matty finds that it's your anecdotes that he loves and he adores the way your face lights up as you tell them.

He knows he’s been to this park you’re both currently in before, as you’d shown him the old tennis courts that you and your school mates always used to hang about on, but you seem to have a destination in mind about where you’re taking him and Mayhem now, but Matty can’t guess where.

“Where are we going?” Matty asks as you start to veer off the path in front of you.

Smiling, you squeeze his arm that you’ve linked and tell him, “I know a place.”

“Do you now?” Matty smiles, and seeing that there’s a small sparkle in your eye has you excited, it makes him feel the same.

“Yep,” You grin, “It’s one of my favourite places on the planet.”

Matty’s eyes go a little wide then, asking, “Really?”

Humming and nodding, you confirm, “You should feel very privileged that I'm bringing you here. You’ll be one of three people who knows about it besides me.”

Matty smiles at that, and he doesn’t have to guess to know that you mean Y/B/F and Alex. He smiles at the thought of you finally being ready to show him whatever place it is too.

Matty hums, “It must be special.”

“It is.” You nod, and you tell him honestly. “I came here the most when you were in rehab… Needed somewhere to go to remember your face.”

Because you came every day, if not every other when Matty was in rehab. You needed the comfort your spot gave you and you it really helped when he was away. You’re glad that you’ve made the decision to finally show him your secret place.

You love and appreciate the way your curly haired brunette kisses your temple then as you walk him towards the trees. It doesn’t take you long to find your cherry blossom tree, and Mayhem finds it before you even get to open the curtain of pink petals for him.

You do move them aside for Matty though and you watch his reaction eagerly. You forgot the magic of showing this place to someone new.

The way your boyfriend’s eyes light up when he steps into your pink cocoon that shields you from the rest of the world makes you really happy. His smile also makes your chest ache as he looks astounded at the place, and it gets even bigger when he looks out to see the view you get too.

“Wow.” Matty gasps as he looks back around at the tree, “It’s stunning.”

You’re just grinning at him, taking him in your space and loving his reaction. But you adore the man even more when his eyes go a little wide as the pieces come together, “So this is why you went for a cherry blossom branch when you got your tattoo?” and when you nod, he grins, “It makes so much sense now.”

“Yep.” You verbally confirm, “Makes me feel at home. The tattoos remind me of home.”

Matty grins and he grabs your hand and pulls you towards him, and he looks into your eyes as he holds your waist and tells you, “I feel like I’ve just found the final piece of your puzzle, Wheels.”

You absolutely love that he has put it like that, as in really it is. This hiding spot of yours is the only thing Matty doesn’t know about you, and now you’re an entirely open book to him. It feels exactly how he put it, you’re a completed puzzle now.

As you have a hold of your boyfriend's hand, you pull him around and onto your bench so you can sit and admire the view. And as you’re tying the end of Mayhem’s lead to the bench, Matty asks, “How often did you usually come here?”

“I usually ended up coming most when I was sad, but also on good days too.” You tell him honestly, “But I only come when the tree blossoms, it’s a bit bleak if not.”

“It’s so stunning.” Matty says, turning back around to look at the pink bubble the both of you are in. Your dog takes both of your attention though because he comes and sits by both yours and Matty’s feet and gives you his puppy dog eyes. Your boyfriend plays with him a second as he asks him, “Isn’t it Mayhem? Your Mum’s hiding place is so pretty, just like her. She shouldn’t be upset when she comes here.”

You smile at his playfulness, but you assure him, “I love to come here when I’m happy too, it just brightens my day even more and this is definitely a day for it.”

“It certainly is.” Matty agrees.

Because coming to your spot to reflect on the fact that your best friend is going to have a baby is definitely a good day for it. Especially after the chaotic morning you had, which made Matty laugh earlier when you explained everything to him.

The both of you talk about how it was certainly a chaotic way to find out, and how you both hope everything is okay with their baby. And you laugh over how it was funny that Mayhem got it wrong and how he must have just been more protective over Y/B/F yesterday which led to him barking a little more.

When the conversation leads into a comfortable silence, Matty’s thoughts of this gorgeous spot get away with him, and he asks, “Have you ever kissed someone here?”

You chuckle at that, and all you do is glance at him and warn him, “Don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answers to.”

That is all the answer Matty needs, and he finds it amusing so he jokes, “Christ, Alex was a lucky boy.”

You chuckle at him clearly knowing who it was, but you do make sure he knows something for certain, “He wasn’t lucky like you’re thinking. My spot is not R rated.”

“Not yet.” Matty smirks, desperately trying to hold back his laugh.

You just hum, “Dirty boy.” before you playfully push his arm from the back of the bench.

Your boyfriend laughs, before he shuffles closer to you and throws his arm over your shoulder to hug you into him more. You hum, entirely content with your surroundings and who you’re with. You’re so happy you showed Matty this place.

“Wanna be the last person I kiss here?” You ask him after a silent moment, “Because I won’t be bringing anyone new or kissing anyone else here.”

Matty is grinning at you, so you know his answer before he even says, “I would quite like that.”

“Course you would.” You giggle before you attach your lips to his.

You kiss him like you’ve wanted to kiss him all morning. Entirely too overwhelmed with your emotions and you pour all your love for him into it.

It baffles you how Matty’s kisses still give you butterflies all these years later, but he really does. You’re absolutely enamoured by him and what makes it all the more sweeter is that you know he feels the exact same about you.

When you get all soppy like this, you just want to carry on kissing him for hours on end to try and show him just how much he means to you. And you’re certain that by now Matty understands this form of communication with you, if it’s not his preferred one himself.

Both of you get a little too into it, because that really is what the two of you are like. Neither of you know when to stop, but you eventually do when Mayhem starts getting a bit jealous of the attention you’re giving each other and he tries to jump up at both of you.

“You sure you don’t wanna make it R rated?” Matty giggles after you teasingly bite his lip when you pull away.

You hum and pretend to think about it for a second, but you shake your head, “Not today... Maybe when we leave him at home.”

Matty chuckles before the both of you look down at your dog, and your curly haired brunette jokes to your dog, “You ruining moments like this is why you get left in the lounge when we go to the bedroom, Mayhem. You’re a massive cockblock.” and that has you cackling loudly.

The both of you end up settling down and you peacefully watch the world go by. A peaceful hour goes by before your phone buzzes and you hear from your best friend with the best news.

Wifey: Everything’s fine. Baby’s fine. I’m fine. I’m 10 weeks xx

Wifey: Please bring ice cream back on the way home from the park please x love you xxx

You obviously grin at your phone like an idiot and you text her back congratulating her again and you tell her you love her too. You’re so beyond thrilled for her, you can’t wait to give her another massive hug when you get back to the flat.

You and Matty gather all your belongings and when you untie Mayhem’s lead, you ask your boyfriend, “You ready to go?”

“Yeah.” Matty nods, and before you stand up he leans in to quickly kiss you sweetly. And he makes your heart flutter again when he sincerely says, “Thank you for bringing me here, Sweetheart.”

You’re grinning like a fool in love, “Anytime Curly.”

~*~*~*~ December 10th 2021 ~*~*~*~

“Hey,” You walk into your home and are greeted by the sight of Matty sitting in the lounge with Mayhem now getting out of his bed to come and greet you.

“Hey Wheels,” Matty grins and comes over to give you a hug and a kiss after you finish saying hello to your dog. “You had a nice day?”

“I have, thank you,” You smile, kissing him one more time before throwing your arms around his neck and asking him curiously, “You’re not busy this evening, are you?”

“No?” Your boyfriend answers but you can see the curiosity in his eyes. He tells you, “I was just going to start making our tea, but nothing else.”

“Good, and you don’t need to make tea,” You grin, the plan that you made on your way home seems like it could fall perfectly into place. “I’ve decided we’re going on a date night.”

Matty’s whole face lights up, “Are we now?” and he holds your waist a little tighter as the both of you start swaying a little bit in each other's hold.

“Yeah,” You nod, and you tell him your plan, “I’ve phoned your Mum and she said she’ll look after Mayhem for us whilst we're out, so he’s not on his own all evening. She’s going to have him overnight.”

“Oh nice,” Matty grins, as not having the little cockblocker around when the both of you get back would be nice. It gives the both of you a little more freedom, but your curly haired brunette is mostly just excited to get to spend his evening by your side. He’s missed you with you being at the studio for most of the afternoon.

He can’t help but ask curiously, “Where are we going?”

“I’m going to quite literally make one of your dreams come true.” You’re grinning like a lunatic at him, your cheeks hurt because your smile is so big.

Matty raises his eyebrows, “Oh?” trying to think of what it could be.

You tell him, “We’re going to Winter Wonderland.”

“Oh my god, yes.” Matty’s jaw drops in glee.

“I know it’ll be shit, but it’ll be good night.” You tell him why you thought of it, “I saw a poster on the way home and I thought it would be really cute.”

“It’s going to be the best Wheels because it's us.” Matty assures you, and you believe him because you can feel him start buzzing with excitement in your arms. He grabs your hand and pulls you towards the stairs, “Let's go get ready.”

Denise came about 30 minutes after you told Matty about your plans for your date night and she was happy to look after Mayhem for the both of you. As soon as Denise took him back to hers, you and Matty were also getting in the car to drive yourselves to Hyde Park.

When you get there, instantly you both can’t get the smiles off your faces. The both of you end up going ice skating first of all, and you’re glad the both of you went a fair amount when you were younger because you weren’t really at risk of falling over.

Skateboarding over the years had given the both of you good balance too, so you both thankfully didn’t deck it on the frozen ground. After an hour of the both of you clinging to each other on the ice, the both of you decide to walk round the large fair.

Obviously, the both of you go on the rides that skater the park, the ones that allow adults on anyways. The both of you end up on the Waltzers and other shit fairground rides but the both of you couldn’t get enough of giggling with each other at it.

You pulled each other to random stalls that sold all different kinds of food and the both of you had a feast as you then went and wondered about the Christmas markets. You got Mayhem a few bits from a pet stall, you got all three of you a personalised wooden decoration for your tree to put on when you get back home.

You also ended up getting a few more presents for your friends whilst you were here too. All of these gifts had to be put in a locker when both you and Matty ended up going into a haunted house. It was like a ghost train that was shit but hidden inside was someone dressed up as a skeleton and they jumped out and scared Matty to the point where he hid into you.

It almost made you piss yourself laughing and you couldn’t take the rest of the ride seriously. And that was due to the fact Matty was hiding himself into you trying to calm his heart rate down after that jumpscare.

Thankfully, there were no more scary points in the night. The next thing you ended up doing was going into the fun house which was just next door and you and Matty were grinning like idiots when he whisper sang You’re The One That I Want into your ear.

It brought you right back to being 21 again and experiencing a fun house with him for the first time. You were still just as flirty with each other and it feels even more wholesome than it did back then as you’re entirely in love with each other now, and Matty didn’t fail to remind you as you made your way around.

Both of you made it through the revolving barrel without falling over either and you definitely made your younger selves proud. You got so many cute pictures with each other over the course of the evening, you already couldn’t wait to eventually get them printed out and put up in your home.

But thankfully you were able to get some straight away this evening.

The both of you had just come out of Bar Ice which was really cool because you were served your drinks in cups made from pure ice. The both of you had two drinks in there and you’ve just come back outside to start exploring again and Matty finds something instantly.

The way Matty drags you over to the photobooth that he spotted is probably the fastest he’s ever moved which has you giggling. Not to mention the way he can’t seem to get his card out fast enough to pay for the photos, which has you silently laughing as it's such a stark contrast to the first time you pulled him into one of these.

The first picture taken is the both of you giggling at the camera. The second, Matty cups your jaw as he presses a kiss to your cheek. The third you’re holding his face as you plant a big kiss on his cheek. And for the forth, the both of you are kissing each other and the kiss lasts so much longer than it takes for the picture to be printed.

Because you’re entirely obsessed with each other, you end up getting another 3 strips of pictures as there was thankfully no queue. They are wholesome and sweet and it’s just candids of the two of you interacting and being silly with each other. Some you pose for, others you miss because you’re laughing at what the other just did.

The both of you almost don’t want to leave the booth, but you do to collect your pictures. And after you admire them, there’s only one thing left to do.

You were well aware of the 70 metre high ferris wheel being the main attraction of Winter Wonderland, and you could see the fear in Matty’s eyes as soon as he saw it up close when you were paying your entrance fees. It was always silently agreed that this would be the last event of the evening, and now with nothing left to do, both you and your boyfriend join the back of the queue for the giant wheel.

You can feel Matty’s nerves already and as he looks up at the 70 metre monster, he shakily says, “That’s the biggest fucking thing I’ve ever seen.”

“Are we going on it?” You ask as you try to mute your amused smile, “We don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

And you truly mean it. You won’t make him go on it if he really doesn't want to because it looks horrendously high to you, and you don’t have a fear of heights.

Matty glances at you, and then back to the top of the wheel that is all light up. He takes a deep breath looking at the highest point of it, but he just looks back into your eyes and asks wholesomely, “Will you hold my hand?

Smiling, you promise him, “Of course I will.” and you offer him your hand now.

“I guess I’ve got no excuse then.” Matty makes his decision as he takes your hand and immediately intertwines your fingers together.

Immediately you lift your hands up and kiss the back of his. And when your curly haired brunette looks at you, you tell him, “I’ll keep you safe.”

“Thank you, Wheels.” Matty smiles before he leans towards you to kiss you quickly.

It’s an anxious 20 minute wait in the queue before the both of you get into your own little cabin and the wheel starts moving. It’s a slow incline as everyone is getting on and off so it frequently stops to give you more time on and more of the stunning views.

Matty’s hand is firmly gripping yours, your fingers intertwined and he’s not letting you go at all, which you don’t mind about. You still find him utterly adorable that he will face one of his biggest fears to see you happy.

You can’t help but joke about it, “You must be so down bad for me if you have one of these tattooed on you, but they scare you as much as they clearly do.”

Matty chuckles a little at that, trying to rid his anxiety and just focus on you instead of the ground getting further and further away from you both. Matty’s brown eyes are looking into your gorgeous ones when he confirms, “I’ve always been down bad for you, that’s never going to change.”

You cheeks get hotter hearing that like he’s just told you he fancies you for the first ever time. And you can’t help but find it funny how he makes your heart beat rapidly in your chest when he’s doing nothing but be his gorgeous self.

The feeling of Matty’s gaze on you as you take in the views around you makes you warm inside. And once you’re near the top of the wheel, you give his hand another reassuring squeeze and you kiss him to keep him distracted.

You’ve just had a silent minute, other than you pointing views out to him that you don’t know if he’ll actually look at because you’re so high off the ground. He surprises you though by getting up from his seat just before the both of you reach the top.

He stands you up with him and he makes you take a selfie of the both of you at the top with the incredible view of the city lights below you. And you tease him by calling him your brave boy for somehow managing to not look petrified in the picture.

Your boyfriend shuts you up with a kiss though, which you happily let him do and after you put your phone back in your pocket, you give him your full attention. The sweet kiss only breaks when Matty speaks up.

“Do you remember me telling you that the first place I knew I was in love with you was when we were on that ferris wheel?” Your curly haired brunette asks softly.

You nod, remembering that night in lockdown vividly. That knowledge made you love your ferris wheel tattoo that the both of you have on your ankles even more than you already did.

“I expected that over a decade later I would still love you, but I didn’t know I would love you so much more at the top of this one, Wheels.” Matty professes his love for you again and it makes your heart swell with all the love you have for him.

But then the man you love drops to one knee in front of you, surprising you entirely.

Your curly haired brunette is grinning up at you when he asks, “Wheels, Sweetheart, please marry me?” and he pulls an engagement ring in a box out of his pocket and offers it to you.

“Yes,” You find yourself half giggling in surprise as you answer him. You nod, “Of course I’ll marry you.”

And Matty jumps back up so his lips can find yours again before you can fully process the moment. But you pour your heart out into it regardless.

You hope to every God that Matty can tell just how much you love him by pouring your feelings into this kiss. Words never seem like enough but kissing him in this moment feels like you’re connected on an entirely different level.

The way your chest aches for him, the way your heart beats for him, every ounce of love you have for him you hope he can feel. Because you can feel just how much he loves you, and his excitement because he picks you up and spins the both of you around which has you giggling again.

Matty puts you down after a few seconds, and the first thing he does is get the ring out of the box and put it on your left ring finger. It’s a stunning ring, and it's what you always imagined him giving to you one day. He got it spot on and from the look on his face, he knows he has.

You look back up at your fiance and you let out something of a giggle as your eyes tear up a little. Matty’s are the same, the both of you so unbelievably happy in this moment that you don’t have the words to explain it.

“I want to marry you as soon as possible, okay?” Matty chuckles, his voice a little choked up as he reminds you, “I’ve been waiting long enough, I can’t wait any longer.”

You giggle and nod, agreeing with him entirely. And your fingers root up into his curls as you look into his eyes and make sure he knows, “I love you so much, Curly.”

“I love you so so so much more, Wheels.” Matty grins before he cups your cheeks and leans back down to kiss you sweetly.

He always has and he always will, because from the very first moment he ever saw you, he’s been in love with you. Everything feels better when the two of you are together.

You’re his Sweetheart, his Wheels, and he will be your Curly until the very end.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A/N: Thank you so so much to everyone who has stuck with me as I’ve been writing this fic. It really means a lot and I really hope you enjoyed the story and Wheels and Matty’s ending! Their story doesn’t really stop here… I mentioned a surprise that you’d all shout at me about and the surprise is that a small part of Matty and Wheels ending has been posted on my main account since before I ever posted the first part of NRIACC (told you you’d shout at me lol)… That little oneshot Good Boy is a little extra part of their ending that I hope you can read/reread now and enjoy a little more.

Anyway, just want to again say a huge thank you for sticking with my mental story and I really really hope you enjoyed the ending x

Note: Alex and Ella’s story in a different universe can be read now! Constant Repeat by @alovesreading is out now and it’s incredible. A doesn’t know I’ve written Ella into this ending so I’m waiting for her to have a breakdown (she will, I know her too well at this point lol) but I really hope you enjoy Ella and Alex’s story as much as you’ve enjoyed reading this! (I love a multiverse and there’s also a different Alex fic of mine hidden in this chapter that will be my next long fic, Nightmare. But I’m having a break for a while but I will be back at some point, I promise x)

Taglist: @psychkunox @sofiaaraee @thewheeler @cold-hands-cold-eyesss @xovalliegirlxo @vroboat @hoodskillerqueen @woahhealy @emmaheg1005 @belledawnidk @elen-alambil @megann-duff @alexsvacuumcleaner @bshelley322 @g0thwat3rr @cassieinnit @ohmyolympusssywp @filling-thevoid @xqueenkt @indierock4ever @amturners @alovesreading

#matty healy x reader #alex turner x reader #matty x reader #alex x reader #matty healy #alex turner #matty healy fanfic #alex turner fanfic #matty healy fanfiction #alex turner fanfiction #the 1975 #arctic monkeys #george daniel #matt helders #adam hann #jamie cook #ross macdonald #nick o'malley #miles kane

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happiness-of-the-pursuit · 6 months

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2023 Fic Round Up (Part 1: Fic List)

I have been tagged in about a million different round ups of sorts, so here's Part 1: A Comprehensive 2023 Fic List sorted by month posted (if a multichap, I listed it the first month it posted), featuring the major details and a single-sentence summary/quote (so a fun challenge for me).

I'll post Part 2: Favorite Quotes and Part 3: Channeling Nora Holleran to Bring You My AO3 Data over the next two days (for the data I want to wait til the last possible day).

Without further ado, here is my 2023 Fic List:

January:

Nothing, I was still a lurker.

February:

Prince Henry and FSOTUS Alex Claremont-Diaz Answer the Web’s Most Searched Questions (T, 2.4K, YouTube Script Fic)

10 Things Alex Claremont-Diaz Can’t Live Without (T, 3K, YouTube Script Fic)

10 Things HRH Prince Henry Can’t Live Without (T, 2.5K, YouTube Script Fic)

March:

Prince Henry and FSOTUS Alex Claremont-Diaz Take a Couples Quiz (T, 5K, YouTube Script Fic)

The Super Six Take a Lie Detector Test | Vanity Fair (M, 7K, YouTube Script Fic)

Baby's First Pride (E, 10K, WIP Multi-Chap)

Post-canon, canon-compliant (ignoring bonus chapter) look at the Super Six celebrating their first pride after the emails—I want to come back and finish this (I got interrupted by Life) but my writing has evolved a lot since March and I'm daunted by all the editing I'd have to do, lol

ALEX CLAREMONT-DIAZ COMMUNES WITH HIS ANCESTORS WHILE EATING SPICY WINGS | Hot Ones (T, 3K, YouTube Script Fic)

April-June

Trying to survive the end of the school year as a teacher before I left my job :)

July

PRINCE HENRY SENTENCES US TO THE DUNGEONS WHILE EATING SPICY WINGS | Hot Ones (M, 3K, YouTube Script Fic)

August

FirstPrince Sings Queen, Lil Nas X, and Taylor Swift in a Game of Song Association | ELLE (T, 2.5K, YouTube Script Fic)

Claremont 2008 (M, 26K, Complete Multi-Chap, Canon Divergence)

A world where Ellen gets elected in 2008 instead of 2016, and the friends-to-lovers path that puts Henry on. If you want to relive the early 2010s, enjoy epistolary fics, or want a glimpse of a world where Alex & Henry go to college together, you might like this.

September

How well you play...that's up to you (M, 4K, FirstPrince Week)

Grey's Anatomy-Inspired AU, where Alex & Henry are both surgical residents—currently a one-shot, but I plan on writing a multi-chap prequel for this at some point.

Keep this Love in a Photograph (T, 2.6K, FirstPrince Week)

Post-Canon: Henry finds Alex's old photo album and they take a stroll down memory lane.

The Starwand (T, 1.7K, FirstPrince Week)

Three vignettes from Alex's life (two featuring Henry) where a sparkler makes an appearance—both a kid fic of Alex and Alex with his kids.

Somebody Call 911 (M, 2.4K, FirstPrince Week)

College AU where Alex is sneaking around with Henry behind his roommate's back—until it all goes to shit.

October

Sets on the Beach (M, 4K, FirstPrince Week)

Crack Treated Seriously, Alex and Henry are on rival queer beach volleyball teams.

Water over Blood (G, 3K, FirstPrince Week)

Post-Canon 5+1 of five times Henry's niece loved Alex, and one time she loved Henry

L(ate) S(leepy) A(morous) T(exting) (M, 1K, FirstPrince Week)

Text-fic of a missing moment from the book, because I am convinced that Alex did, in fact, study for the LSAT (it's just more realistic if we're to believe he scored well enough to get into NYU)

November

Freaky Friday (I woke up in my enemy's body) (M, 9K, Halloween, Huh?)

Canon Divergence, Freaky Friday-Inspired Body Swap AU, Crack Treated Seriously: Between Cakegate and Alex's visit to London, the boys swap bodies and proceed to learn a lot about each other. And themselves.

December

Alex Claremont-Díaz Answers Your Questions | Actually Me |GQ (M, 2K, YouTube Script Fic)

Super Six and the Siren's Call (T, 111K Total, Posting Bi-weekly)

The Percy Jackson AU, co-written with @read-and-write- and @inexplicablymine. Quests and Greek References abound! Check out more @auntiepezzasupdates

(Dil)Do It Yourself (E, 16.7K, New Traditions Advent Calendar)

Alex attends a DIY Dildo Workshop for the holidays, where he meets Henry, who's helping to lead the workshop—and eventually, helps Alex in other ways. The tags will tell you all that you need to know.

Thanks to @rockyroadkylers @hgejfmw-hgejhsf @kiwiana-writes @welcometololaland and anyone else who tagged me that I missed! I was waiting to post all my fics for December before I did this :) Since I'm pretty late, I'll tag @ssmtskw @matherines @affectionatelyrs and an open tag to anyone who's made it this far and wants to do this!

#rwrb fanfic #red white and royal blue #firstprince #rwrb #fanfiction #rwrb fandom #fic list #year in review #happinessofthepursuit writes

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kisaamisa · 5 months

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ᝰ.ᐟ✮⋆˙𝙉𝙀𝙋𝙀𝙉𝙏𝙃𝙀

PREVIOUS ⋆ MASTERLIST ⋆ NEXT

𝐒𝐔𝐌𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐘: in which a heartbroken boy and a lovesick girl find each other in high school. will she be able to cure his wounds or make them deeper?

a/n this took all of my brain cells lol anyway i kinda rushed this because i have an amazing idea that i will post later so yeah 👍 for the texts, left to right as always

CHAP 2 ; MEET UP, WITH ME?

"[Name], I suppose you have an answer for this?”

[Name] sighed, of course she didn't know. She turned off her phone with an annoyed look displaying on her face, as if it were for sale. She was too busy with the mere fact that her book report partner could kill her with the flick of his wrist and that her supposed ‘best friend’ never told her.

She could hear distinct snickering in the back of the classroom, and lo and behold. Kita’s vice president, Yukon.

[Name] snapped her head backwards to give Yukon a death glare that he couldn't forget. Everyone watched her face, not even a single cricket wanting to creek. The silence in the room was suffocating, deadly. She mumbled something under her breath and turned around in an effort to compose herself before letting loose on Yukon in front of her peers.

The corners of Baki's mouth turned upward. He stared at her unknowingly. Once he regained control of his actions and eyes, he snapped almost like a bullet train going full acceleration. With the loud sounds that came from the young man’s desk, everyone's attention turned to him, now staring intensely at the chalkboard in front of him. It had already been a good week since they first met and Baki had fallen for her. Badly.

He felt so bad. Terrible. He genuinely wanted to deny the love he felt for this woman but he couldn't shrug it away. Every time he saw Kozue in the hallway, he felt an unbearable sense of guilt overdosing him. It had been a good month since they had broken up and Kozue seemed to have moved on, rumors stating that she already had a new boyfriend. He felt terrible, he still had love for Kozue but he loved this woman as well.

The history teacher now in the front of the class cleared his throat. The whole class's attention had been returned back to him as he started his new sentence.

“Well, I'll assume you don't have an answer, do you [Name]?”

“Yeah. Sorry, I wasn't paying attention.”

“Haven't I told you about this, Miss [Name]? We must have a good school reputation and if you, our school president, can't even pay attention in school, what does that mean for the rest of us?”

The teacher kept chewing [Name] out. Every teacher did this to her but it seemed like the history teacher wanted to be the school president more than she did.

“Am I understood young lady?”

“Yeah, sorry.”

She could hear stupid Yukon’s wheezing. It annoyed her, she swore if he wasn't in the gym 24/7, she would have beat the living shit out of him. Whatever, she better pay attention before her goody-goody teacher comes for her again.

ding!

[Name] heard her phone notification, she was already tired after so much school. It was literally Wednesday, what the hell did anyone want from her.

[Name] let out a breath that she didn't know she was holding. Oh to hell with her life. She was kinda happy and giddy. This guy could be a wanted murderer because he's so strong yet she was basically going on a date with the same guy. This was absolutely crazy to her. How the hell did she even end up in this position?

She carefully looked back at her hands that were holding the phone. She analyzed the last text he sent. Why the hell would he send a smiley face? Is he happy to see her? She has of course heard the rumors about him. Besides the fact he was literally the strongest guy in the school, he had just broken up with a girl in the middle of a driveway or something. The students that heard the two said that it sounded like a K-Drama. It was so sad to watch and hear and of course, since [Name] was school president, she was eventually hearing about it.

Damn. The more she looked at his message and herself she realized that she liked him. Maybe. She knew that she has been single for all her life and every guy she spoke to eventually left her so she had been longing for a guy to hear her heartbeat and make her feel wanted. Maybe she just was looking for an excuse to stop feeling so sad and gloomy because most of her friends are already getting partners.

She got up to her closet and opened it. She scanned the inside and looked for something to wear tomorrow but she couldn't find anything.

“Well, I guess I don't have a choice do I?”

She got on her knees and started to rip clothing out of her closet into the floor in search of the special outfit she had specifically for a moment like this, she had watched plenty of tik tok on how to make a boy fall for you and good outfit ideas and finally knew she was ready to go. She had finally found her outfit, makeup, and personality she was going to wear at the date. She was determined to make him understand that she needed no man and thought that she just needed one compliment from him and she could steal his heart. I mean, every guy falls for an independent woman, right?

In poor [Name]’s mind, she thought he was a cold hearted person and was a complete narcissist because of his strength. She was going to change his mindset faster than anything she has ever done before. She felt a few hairs on her skin going up at the thought of it. She was going to do this. No one could stop her, she was already desperate so she would make him her boyfriend!

[Name] began undressing and getting herself ready for a nice warm bath after everything that happened that day when she felt eyes on her. She snapped to see who was watching her in her towel, even going up to the window and looking out of it just to slam it closed and pull down the curtains.

Little did she know, a man with all black clothing and a dragon-like aura was standing very close to her home in which she residented with her mom and father.

“So Baki, you left little Miss Kozue for her? I see why. Son of a bitch. You're such a pervert son.”

The man smirked a little, an evil glare appearing in his eyes. He seemed to be plotting something terrible for both the boy and the girl.

“She better produce some good grandchildren for me or I'll kill her myself.”

He stepped away from her house, his aura following behind him.

writers block go brr 🥶

#baki dou #baki hanma #bakiissouwu #baki the grappler #baki x reader #hanma x reader #f!reader #baki son of ogre #baki smau #here you are my love <3 #katsumi orochi #jack hanma #x reader #<3333 #baki memes #retsu kaioh #lolz

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lincolndjarin · 8 months

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ro's very reasonable 2023 wrap up schedule.

hi lovelies!! (figured out how to do a color gradient, took me weeks, i'm fucking thrilled, expect more of that nonsense in this post lol)

it's mid november and as the year comes to a close i'd like to wrap up a lot of stuff so here's the plan :

NOV 12 : BKS 26 : crucifixion (currently being edited will be out by tonight.)

NOV 12-19 : BKS 27 : the apostate (will be released at some point here, it's gonna be on the shorter side so it shouldn't take too long

NOV 25 : Oh Honey, Chapter Four : painting the roses red (another long chap, gonna need some time to get this one out so at the latest it will be out on the 25th!!)

The First Week of December will be my 1,000 follower celebration, I'm going to be doing a week of Best Kept Secret content leading up to the final BKS chapter !! (this will include the release of my 500 follower celebration whoops)

Best Kept Secret Week :

DEC 1 : BKS 28 : a place for us (the technical final chapter of BKS)

DEC 2 : BKS Q&A (gonna ask for questions at some point here i'll make a post and answer any final questions about bks!!)

DEC 3 : Bound in Beskar - 500 follower celebration (a one off based on the book princess reads in bks)

DEC 4 : BKS what ifs (it's 8 days of stuff they can't all be hits. tbh i needed a day filler and i've got a lot of alternative story lines in bks so fuck it, i'll talk about those here)

DEC 5 : Best Kept Secret Art!! (i commissioned three artists to illustrate some of my favorite scenes bc i'm a sap so i will be posting all of that on this day and i'm so excited for y'all to see it!! they're wonderful artists and they've done wonderful work so far <3)

DEC 6 : Secrets Best Kept - 1,000 follower celebration (a one off where Din Djarin is the new reluctant ruler of Mandalore, a tutor is hired to help him during his early days as a ruler to learn proper etiquette for royalty)

DEC 7 : A love letter to Best Kept Secret. (pretty much just gonna be one last corny post to thank everyone for reading)

DEC 8 : BKS 29 : the best kept secret (epilogue) (corny ass name ik, anyhow, this will be it!! this will be the last main update of best kept secret!!)

DEC 16 : Oh Honey, Chapter Five : a very merry unbirthday (this will be the last chapter of oh honey!! i've always intended for this to be a short form story so it will be wrapped up at the latest by the 16th!!)

DEC 24 : Best Kept Christmas (gonna sneak one last good bye to bks in at the end of the month with a christmas special lol)

and then i will be taking the last week of december to write my next fics! rest!

so yeah lol, my goal is to wrap up all ongoing fics this year but but but if you made it this far (i love you *mwah*) here's some of the fics coming in 2024!! i won't be starting anything new this year but next year i've got big plans >:)

Then & Now (probs gonna change that title) - this will be my main fic for a bit, i've been itching to start this for so so long, f!reader x joel. definitely gonna be more on the angsty side

i'm participating in pmamc 2024 so there will be an Oberyn one off in January!!

Andromeda - this is gonna be my next din x reader !! i don't have much other than the base idea but im gonna keep that a surprise haha

And plenty of other stuff i'll figure out lol

#lincolndjarin #fic : best kept secret #fic : oh honey

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coffeeandcalligraphy · 1 year

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24-Karat Harrison | BODY BACK Update #3

THE WRITING UPDATE WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR (I’M WE)!

Let's chat chapter 3 of my literary fiction novella, BODY BACK! Harrison stares at himself in so many bathroom mirrors, gets down to Don't Cha (Pussycat Dolls), tries to forget the man he once was, reclaims himself through excess, & more! Post under the cut!

Logline: After an argument with his mother draws him much too close to the past, Harrison turns to Jeremiah to help him develop a gilded persona.

Update 1 | Update 2

BODY BACK taglist (please ask to be added or removed :))

@thelivingdeceased @writinglittlebeastss @cuntylittlesalmon @obssesedwithscandaledits @jaydewritesfiction @keira-is-writing @onomatopiya @dustyplotbunnies @euphoniouspandemonium @rowansghost @strangerays @rodentwrites @wildswrites @saltwaterbells

Random thoughts turn into...

A couple weeks ago, I was oversharing in my tags and in the process of doing so, came up with the phrase "24-karat harrison."

#I don't drink but I can positively say drunk rachel would 100% be just harrison like 24 karat harrison #actually going to get him to describe himself as 24 karat harrison in the next bb chapter fantastic this was a productive random thought

AND SO 24K HARRISON WAS BORN!

What does it mean to split yourself into two facets, one polished, one unpolished? What could you do if YOU were "24-karat" for a day? This phrase instantly shaped the entire direction of this chapter.

Also, as a poet, I cannot overlook how wonderfully "24-karat" and "Harrison" match each other. VISUAL congruency?? Syllabic harmony??? THE ASSONANCE?? He was built for this.

The plot

CW: this is the most *mature content* chapter I've written in BB so there are mentions of sex, drugs, and suicidal ideation.

"24-Karat Harrison" jumps right off the last chapter of BB where Harrison's stormed away from his mother after she drives him to Lonan's apartment (lol). He arrives at Jeremiah's place tired of who he is and in desperate need of a major change.

The chapter is split into two simple halves: scenes in Jeremiah's apartment, and scenes in a Las Vegas nightclub. How Harrison manages to get into so many shenanigans in these two locations alone astounds me! :)

Scene A:

Harrison turns up on Jeremiah's doorstep soaking wet from the rain. He's looking for a distraction :) & Jeremiah provides :)

Scene B:

A Haremiah pillow talk moment that ends abruptly when Harrison asks Jeremiah if he has Tylenol???? (romantic king /s)

In scene A, Harrison noticed Jeremiah hosted a party. Here, he asks him why he wasn't invited, and Jeremiah suggests it's because he seems too quiet to party

Scene C:

In an attempt to manufacture a more confident personality, Jeremiah helps style Harrison, complete with a fur coat and cowboy hat (horrifying).

Scene D:

Harrison retreats to the bathroom while he and Jeremiah wait for their ride to the club. He's not confident despite the new outfit and goes feral on Jeremiah's hair products, makeup, cologne etc. He finally sees 24-Karat Harrison in the mirror and is pleased.

Scene E:

At the club, Harrison and Jeremiah run into Biyu, Jeremiah's friend from Chapter 6 of Moth Work. His confidence is shot when she suggests he's quiet despite his new persona.

Scene F:

Harrison dances with Jeremiah, but is unable to shake Biyu's comments. He presses Jeremiah for validation, but Jeremiah wants to have a good night, not therapize the man he's seeing.

As Harrison continues to pester, Jeremiah reunites with his friends and is drawn into a (potential) group make out session. Harrison gets overstimulated.

Harrison flees to the club bathroom for reprieve when he again catches his reflection and doesn't recognize himself. His lack of recognition angers him--he's tired of seeing everyone in his face but himself.

A man--Perry--who is one of Jeremiah's friends, interrupts Harrison at the mirror to flirt. Harrison is agitated but drawn to him nonetheless.

Writing process & themes

I talked about how I structure chapters for BODY BACK in THIS post, but essentially, I orbit each scene around a particular theme.

I didn't really know what the theme of this chapter was until yesterday. I'd noticed I kept "repeating beats" throughout this chapter--particularly, Harrison analyzing himself in bathroom mirrors, which happens THREE times. At first, I thought I'd done something wrong because Harrison seemed to keep "backtracking" in narrative which made his psychology seem inconsistent.

By the time I got to the final reflection analyzation though, I realized THAT was the theme--bobbing between extremes when you're in the middle of an identity crisis.

What Harrison doesn't admit to himself in this chapter is that he's lost himself since he broke up with Lonan. The only Harrison he knows is the Harrison who chased Lonan across the country, put his needs above his own, etc. Now that Lonan's gone, Harrison doesn't know himself at all. This is why he reaches toward 24k Harrison, a caricature of himself painted in broad, unsubtle strokes--at the very least, he won't forget himself if he looks ridiculous.

But it doesn't work! This is because versions of who he "was" keep popping up. He can't help but feel like the vulnerable person he was when he was with Lonan.

Therefore, we really explore extremes in 24kH. Extreme pleasure VS extreme hollowness (Jeremiah kissing him in the doorway and then immediately walking away in scene A). In scene C he’s hot but he’s not. He wants to sleep with himself but he’s not desirable at all. He's alright with begging but wants to be begged. He wants to live a very specific life where he buys cowboy hats for livestock and eats ice cream with his hands but he also wants to die. He’s Jesus but he’s discarded bits of gold (THANK YOU for pointing that out @jaydewritesfiction!). He’s twinkling but he’s the dullest person in the room.

It took me a while to actually see I'd been doing that--purposefully creating contradictions in narrative--the ENTIRE chapter. Smh Rachel, good job with all those literary devices you didn't realize you were using.

This chapter took me a lot longer to write than I wanted it to (about a month), but it's also because it's SO long (7k, which is currently half the manuscript). I'm so happy with how it turned out though because its creation represents EVERYTHING I love about it: impulsivity, chasing highs, uncovering darker folds of you the longer you sit inside manufactured gold.

Music

Music was SOOO important in the conception and understanding of 24kH for me, more than usual! In fact, I've made a very specific playlist that is a track-by-track breakdown of the chapter (in order).

Here's a quick breakdown of each song & where they go in the chapter!

1. Nobody by Greyson Chance (studio version) - Backbone of the ENTIRE chapter!!!! Chapter starts with this song.

2. Hands by Greyson Chance - Haremiah make out ANTHEM <3. Also in scene A.

3. Hellboy by Greyson Chance - End of scene A where Haremiah gets... intense lol love <3

4. Fade Into You by Mazzy Star - This is on the radio while Haremiah gets DOWN. Start of scene B.

5. Aloe Vera by Greyson Chance - Haremiah sharing a joint & pillow talk song. Middle of scene B.

6. I Got So High That I Saw Jesus by Noah Cyrus - Haremiah sharing a joint & pillow talk song but it's getting sadder & more internal. End of scene B.

7. Nobody by Greyson Chance (live version) - CRITICAL song for this chapter so it appears twice!!! Live version is Harrison at the start of scene C.

8. Black Mascara by Greyson Chance - Harrison analyzing himself in the mirror ANTHEM (this song is also the backbone of this chapter). Harrison goes feral in the bathroom because he thinks he's better off when he does what he fucking wants etc.

9. I'm Too Sexy by Right Said Fred - Actually this is supposed to be the Shrek version :) so :) anyway self-explanatory. Rest of C.

10. Welcome to the DCC by Nothing But Thieves - Walking into the club anthem (scene E).

11. SexyBack by Justin Timberlake - Dancing and feeling real good about it (beginning of scene F).

12. Don't Cha by The Pussycat Dolls - SELF-EXPLANATORY don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like 24-karat Harrison (middle of scene F).

13. Sex & Other Drugs by Greyson Chance - Fleeing to the bathroom anthem (for sex & other drugs??? maybe; rest of scene F).

I also wanted to talk about the significance of the track Nobody because... it's this WHOLE chapter! I wrote this tag essay about it a couple weeks ago when I shared an excerpt where Harrison sees himself as a trophy while in the 24kH getup (excerpted later in the post):

#also there are many greyson chance easter eggs here #the trophy bit i've already mentioned is a reference to the live version of “nobody” #where he goes 'i'm not the trophy you think i am' #which is actually not in the studio version #ANYWAY the LIVE VERSION is a sad piano ballad of THAT #so anyway I love that the trophy line #was cut from the studio version but is in the sad piano version lol #don't know how to more articulately describe harrison's psychology in BB except for... that

The idea of "I'm not the trophy you think I am" really is the thematic crux of this chapter. Harrison KNOWS he's not good enough for Jeremiah. He also knows he wasn't good enough for Lonan. Everyone's looking at him like he's a saint somehow--to Lonan he was, only mattering when he was long martyred. Jeremiah sees too much good in Harrison, good that Harrison doesn't see in himself. At moments, Harrison IS confident. He IS the trophy. But then there are those sobering moments when reality hits him and he knows he just isn't (SAD). It's why he creates 24kH because HE could be good enough (and the truth is, he still isn't).

Excerpts

Jeremiah greets Harrison at the door lol:

Jeremiah might be the only man alive who’d open the door for someone as soggy as Harrison.

He’s shirtless and damp from the shower, a green toothbrush lodged against his gums. His heathered sweats drape low on his waist, bronze skin varnished with moisturizer. And Harrison likes this—a man mid nighttime routine—but what he likes more is how unstartled Jeremiah is when he grabs him by the hips and kisses him so hard, bristles jolt against his tongue. What’s he looking for in another man’s mouth—heavens, gods, a prayer? Fuck if he knows. What matters are Jeremiah’s chiclet teeth, Jeremiah’s healthy gums, the way in one gulp, they all become Harrison’s. And this is what normal is, yeah—Jeremiah a minty man ensconced by a bare tungsten bulb, Harrison his midnight lover, both of them in need of the other simply because they are here, alive, men.

Jeremiah gives Harrison whiplash lmao show him king!!!:

But in one dizzy breath, they’re separated, and the thought is gone as quickly as Jeremiah who slinks through his apartment like an unbothered shorthair, telling Harrison to lock the front door, to follow him to the bathroom.

Harrison’s ears buzz. He stares at the living room, wipes his mouth of foam, his lips tingling with menthol. Jeremiah hosted a party earlier. A game of parcheesi scattered on the coffee table, the kitchen sink teetering with mismatched cups, saucers. Cigarette butts pock a strawberry-shaped ashtray like seeds. Harrison salivates, tempted for a moment to filch around for one salvageable enough to relight. It’s only when Jeremiah calls his name that he shakes out of his stupor. But still, by the time he reaches the beaded bathroom door, he has to distract his mouth by digging his lips into the scalloped moulding.

Jeremiah crooks a brow at him in the mirror, then turns to the sink, spits. He’s gargling with mouthwash when he asks a question.

“What?” Harrison asks. His head hurts. Jeremiah would have a bottle of acetaminophen in his medicine cabinet, wouldn’t he?

Jeremiah holds up a hand as he swishes, rubbing at spats of toothpaste on the mirror with his wrist. He spits again. “You go swimming or something?”

Jeremiah is an ANGEL in the bathroom:

Jeremiah leans against the counter, haloed by one of three lightbulbs that isn’t blown out over the vanity. Harrison offered to replace them a week ago and still hasn’t done it, perhaps because the low light is more inviting, the way it cups Jeremiah like mist. Though maybe any lighting would be inviting to Harrison when he’s like this—in such high need of ravaging something.

Jeremiah wets his lips, glancing away with a mute smile before he looks right back. “Or is the rain really bad?” Harrison takes a step forward, and then another, another. Suzanna could be looking for him, calling everyone she knows in this city to help bring her son home. She won’t sleep tonight, and Harrison won’t either but for different reasons. In front of him, Jeremiah is as sunny as he is unaware, his curls plump around his ears, a man Harrison would like to undo with one look—to make beg, like gods make their believers do.

Lonan Clark behaviour:

“You’re like a wet dog,” says Jeremiah. A breath wheezes in his chest.

Harrison looks up at him. From this angle, bowed against another man’s body, he could look like a believer in supplication. Please go gently. Please spare my life. “Thank you.”

CUTE Haremiah interrupted by Harrison's terrible timing:

Now Jeremiah nuzzles into his ribs. He smells like soap and orange rinds, his tattooed skin downy under Harrison’s callused fingertips. He traces an empty fishbowl on Jeremiah’s arm with his pinkie, a half-finished anatomical heart with his thumb, a wobbly dandelion with his ring finger, the cherub guarding his elbow with his index. I love you, he could say. They’ve known each other for two weeks, hung out less than ten times, spent most of their time examining each other’s hands. But this could be love, right? Jeremiah’s made him breakfast every night he’s stayed over—peach French toast, hot muesli, black coffee. Every time they watch film noir on Jeremiah’s two-seater, they simply find each other’s hair and twirl, sometimes meet each other’s mouths and hover there, these clement weekend lovers.

“You got any painkillers?” Harrison asks.

Jeremiah jerks against his skin, his nose knocking into Harrison’s shoulder blade. He hikes onto his elbow, brows furrowed like he’s about to say something when his eyes narrow on Harrison’s finger.

“You’re wearing my ring,” he says, leaning toward Harrison’s hand for a better look.

“Am I?”

If I were Harrison I would simply just forget about Lonan because JEREMIAH???

Jeremiah should paint his room sage. The cherrywood picture frames warrant it. In the corner, a gold mirror flares like Jesus’ spoked halo. Two crinkled issues of the New York Times on the vanity, an ivory sheepskin throw collapsed in the corner. Jeremiah exists here mid-motion—the condom wrappers on the hardwood leading to the mattress like Hansel’s pebbles, sunglasses spoked in a magazine rack, a used cotton ball stained with black nail polish on the windowsill. Harrison absorbs it all on his back like rapidly flattening dough. He could be part of this room, too. Last Monday, Jeremiah suggested he move in. “You can sleep in the bathtub,” he joked, but kissed the back of Harrison’s neck. He’d smelled bright like the leather polish he’d buffed onto his bomber jacket. “Or elsewhere.”

Jeremiah as a trophy & LMFAO tYLeNoL???

Now, Harrison weakly reaches for Jeremiah’s hair, winds a curl around his finger. Jeremiah is soft like brioche and as dazzling as a mirror ball. And what’s the difference between worshipping him and Jesus if they are both men? At least Jeremiah is here, a trophy in front of him.

“Tylenol?” he whispers.

Cont'd:

Jeremiah places a hand on Harrison’s face. In his eyes, Harrison is insufficient, an edge of a man. Perhaps it’s the headache or Jeremiah’s gentle concern, but after a moment, the feeling is so unbearable that he pulls away and buries his face in the pillow. The mattress springs when Jeremiah rises, and for a moment, Harrison feels suspended in air like a crucified Jesus above the altar. He doesn’t have a face, a body, a heart. He is just dust.

Harrison wants to be a spider so he can finally be a homeowner?? ok same:

He slumps back onto the bed, analyzing the popcorn ceiling when Jeremiah climbs in next to him. He slings an arm around Harrison’s bare shoulders, and they pass the joint back and forth, its scent rich like oregano. The smoke is delicate as a dissipating spider’s web, pale and gauzy like a curtain in morning light. As Harrison smokes, he imagines what it might be like to be an arachnid—the many homes he could make.

Harrison really knows how to ruin a moment pt. 5 bajillion:

There’s a damp spot on the ceiling that’s only visible when car headlights skirt past the building. Harrison’s meant to ask about it, but what would be the point now? It’s not like he could fix it—and if Jeremiah doesn’t look at the right time, he’ll never notice. “You didn’t invite me,” Harrison says.

Jeremiah jumps. From here, he’s a mere lump under the covers, the only physical evidence of him his warm breaths on Harrison’s stomach. “What?” he asks.

Harrison twists the joint, puffs. His tongue feels bloated like his jacket. “To your party.”

A pause. When Jeremiah next speaks, his voice is muffled by the sheets. “I didn’t think that was your scene.” He rests his cheek on Harrison’s sternum, and he’s heavy like the jacket too. “You know. Crowds.”

“What made you think that?”

Jeremiah burrows out from the duvet. Harrison knows he’s trying to look at him, but he’s caught up in the ceiling again, the way that patch ebbs like a candle’s flame. “You’re…”

“What?”

“I don’t know,” Jeremiah says, crossing his legs. “Meek.”

Harrison wants to laugh—meek like a lamb, a poplar, a monotonous prairie, a man’s whispered okay, a frail river, a piano’s high C played over and over and over and over and over again—but what comes out instead is a whimper. Jeremiah cups his face again, says something about good things, compliments, the power in mildness. He smells like baby powder now, plumeria—and why is that? He’s a man forever in change even in the simplest of ways, thriving in his evolution. Harrison’s favourite colour has been the same since he was four.

He holds Jeremiah’s jaw to shut him up. His eyes are flecked with topaz today, sienna tomorrow. If Harrison could touch God tonight. If Harrison could believe in something for just a minute.

“Make me feral,” he whispers.

COWBOY HAT??

Jeremiah starts with a new jacket. He’s made it clear that Harrison can’t go clubbing soaking wet, so they rifle through his closet and land on a fur coat that was last dry-cleaned months ago. It’s knee-length, the sleeves wide catacombs, the taupe fur brindled like Eliza’s tortoise-shell ring. Lonan’s ring, technically. In front of his standing mirror, Jeremiah unearths it from the garment bag like it’s a body, holds the hanger in front of Harrison so the fabric drapes off his chest.

“You like it?” asks Jeremiah, cheek pressed to Harrison’s shoulder blade. He’s laid out a tasseled button-up for himself that glitters like hematite in the light, and he’ll dazzle in it, of course—Jeremiah is built for this, the sharpened eyeliners on the bathroom counter, the dented cans of hair mousse, the nail file on the dresser, the ridged perfume atomizer he’ll mist himself with a moment before they leave the apartment. He is sleek beauty, a marbleized man ready to be polished, adored.

And what is Harrison, then? With the fur coat cinched against his body, he could be polished, too, couldn’t he? Sure, he isn’t a gilded icon, but maybe he sees Jesus in his face right now because he has the potential to be, or because at their cores, they’re both sad men. His hair doesn’t have to look like Suzanna’s, but instead like the young bark of cinnamon. And his eyes—they’re not his father’s but his own, an unmarred pool of teal. Maybe he’s a little rough where he should be suave, but that’s hot nowadays, isn’t it? Besides, if Jeremiah sees something angelic in that mirror, then yeah, Harrison could see it too. Forget his cryptic mouth, his hair that’s too long as Suzanna pointed out, his eyes and the way they’re wounded, not like a deer’s in headlights but like a deer’s in death. Forget the scar across his forehead, the way another man’s hands used to touch it not like it was lightning but a pathway to some better place. Sure, Harrison’s no Christ, no Jacob, no God—but why should he be? He’s here under the tungsten bite of Jeremiah’s chandelier, a man in shameless excess, eyes more spangled than this country’s flag. And he could stay here, couldn’t he? He could enjoy staring at himself, not like he’s bronze but like he’s pure gold.

Cont'd (this is so sad LOL):

He straightens, adjusts the fur on his shoulder. In truth, he looks too much like his mother, stands too much like his father, stares too much like Lonan. His hands aren’t soft. He’s got split ends. At best he smells like cigarette smoke, car exhaust, chlorine. But what does Jeremiah see? Maybe someone loveable yeah, maybe someone to cry over. For a moment, Harrison worries the answer is nothing at all.

And then a nose nudges against the back of his neck, Jeremiah muttering about Madonna’s new album, buying new razors, growing his own marijuana. In minutes, they’ll be dancing until the room spirals or until they’re extensions of the other, whichever comes first. And Harrison will love it all because he loves everything about his life—this new jacket, this new man, this face that isn’t a reminder of who used to look at it, this muggy room, this mirror like a portal he could almost step through, this breakthrough because he’s gold. He’s gold.

Harrison steps away from the mirror, presses a hand against his eyeball. He’s going to need another Tylenol. An Ibuprofen for the hell of it. What if Jacob never dreamt of God, made the whole story up? What if Jacob just wanted to run away with his livestock? Harrison could use livestock.

He turns to Jeremiah. “You got a cowboy hat?” he asks.

Harrison making out with himself because that's a normal thing to do:

Funnily, Jeremiah does have a cowboy hat. It’s aptly doused in cow-print, smells like plastic and mulch. In the bathroom, Harrison adjusts its stampede strings around his chin.

He leans against the counter, pressing his thumbs to his cheeks. He pulls at his eye sockets, his skin giving like a tablecloth twisted under the heave of roasted turkey. His eyes are rimmed in scarlet—how many times has he seen Suzanna with these eyes, and do her eyes look like this now? She’s probably looking for him, calling his name out in the night like it’s a prayer she knows won’t be answered. Would he take himself to bed like this? In thirty more minutes when he guzzles a vodka soda, his answer will be absolutely.

Harrison, he mouths to himself in the mirror. The bathroom is filmy or maybe it’s him—he’s in chrysalis, bloated in his own becoming or suffocation or whatever the fuck. The thing is, he doesn’t need a god and might be a king, but he’s also a man with a pounding headache. He tries again, his mouth shifty like cornmeal, like ash: Harrison. What do kings do when they get migraines? Buy a donut? Eat a saint? His eye sockets are vacant, his cuticles spinning into one another, hair sentient from the pool. Harrison. The walls smell like Jeremiah’s hair gel, Jeremiah’s fingerprints, Jeremiah’s latest cologne. In a minute, the paint could start peeling and Harrison could pick up the chips, tack them to his jaw like they’re gold stars or little HELLO my name is stickers. HELLO my name is, HELLO my name is, HELLO my name is. Harrison. Harrison. Harrison. He kneads his cheeks like he’s sourdough, pinches his eyebrows, goes: Harrison, sticks his fist in his mouth tries again—Harrison. Jeremiah knocks on the door, says something about leaving soon, a friend waiting on them.

Harrison sinks onto his elbows, hovering closer to his reflection. If he were another man, he’d kiss himself, right? Without a thought, he does, mouth glugging against the mirror. He doesn’t need any touch but his own—not Jeremiah’s, not Lonan’s. He’s a man in love with himself, right? He’s a good dancer, never burns pancakes, isn’t afraid of spiders. What’s not to like? When he pulls back, panting, his eyes are watery and he needs a drink now, a god to abandon, a lake to drown in, a coastline to paint, a mother to cry into, a Bible to burn, a guitar string to snap, a dragon tree to kill, a father to remember, a prayer to scream, a place to close his eyes and sleep forever.

He grabs Jeremiah’s eyelash curler off the counter, crimps his lashes so hard he pinches his skin. He doesn’t care. He’s yanking open cupboards and pulling out an eyeshadow palette, smearing silver pigment onto his eyelids, under them. He’s raking a wand of black mascara through his lashes like he’s the grass buried under leaves—like this is the only way to reveal himself. And maybe this is the way, spritzing himself in Jeremiah’s vetiver or orange rinds or baby powder. Harrison. He wants to punch his nose until he bleeds. He wants to kiss himself again.

0 to 100 all the way back to 0 babe:

Harrison meets his eyes in the mirror. Is he an animal? He must be something feral, starved of something and ravaged by that hunger. He could touch himself right here. Or not. He’s barely a man, staring at his face not like it’s his, but like it’s someone else’s. And how tired he is of that. Being a shadow.

He is the MOMENT:

Before he exits the bathroom, he studies his sterling reflection. He’s not who he once was. No Christ, no Jacob, no Jeremiah. And he shouldn’t be. Because he’s twenty-four karat, twinkling, not just otherworldly, unforgiving, untouchable, not just a god or a man—but a trophy at last.

Biyu puts Harrison in his place lmaoo:

By the time they cab to the club, Harrison’s so high he can nearly taste the neon lights. As they slot through the front door with other partygoers like flocking geese, he blinks at the rush of it all—the women comparing press-on nails by the coat-check, the men wearing vinyl and leather and glitter, drenched in cologne and sweat.

“You’re late,” comes a voice which should be familiar to Harrison, but under the thump of bodies, sounds as generic as a bag of baby carrots.

“Fashionably late,” says Jeremiah, his arm slung around Harrison’s furred shoulders. He pulls him close, toward the person, the woman, smells like sea salt, iron, a new set of rings flaring in the blue spotlights. “You remember Harrison?”

As if on cue, Harrison lifts his eyes to Biyu’s, Jeremiah’s friend from the restaurant. Tonight, she wears a gold cowlneck dress, her lipstick the colour of rust. And something’s different about her hair—the sides of her bob shaved, which is more of a relief than he’d like to admit. She’d looked alarmingly like Reeve when they’d met, moved like her, sounded like her. Maybe he’s too high to see it now, but what does it matter—a win is a win.

Harrison tips his hat, already searching for the bar.

“The quiet one,” Biyu says.

His eyes snap back to her. Her pupils are large disks, and if he squints, almost look like they’re pulsating. “What?”

“You were quiet,” she repeats.

Don't Cha!! ft. this:

Harrison dances because he knows exactly how to. To thready vocals, he lulls his arms through the air, drags his palm down Jeremiah’s chest when an electro version of Like a Virgin comes on. On the lighted dance floor he’s nothing but rattling limbs, inelegant turns, raunchy dips. Shifting atop his head: the cowboy hat. In his hand: a vodka soda topped with a maraschino cherry. Through half of Don’t Cha, he holds the red cocktail sword between his teeth like it’s a rose, nudges it against Jeremiah’s lip as they kiss, break apart, kiss again.

“Do you think I’m quiet?” he asks between a spin, his head unspooling like a cylinder of thread. The clang of drums spikes up his throat—soon, he’ll need a refill on the drink. More weed. A crucifix to snap.

Jeremiah twirls under Harrison’s arm, a magnetic man in his tourmaline glister. He could follow any man in this club home tonight with his silver nails, his exposed collarbone. “Kiss me again,” he says, sweating, his fingers hard around Harrison’s shoulders—half from his grip, half from his rings.

Jeremiah is really too patient:

This is what he needs, a consideration of fruit and the man in front of him, all svelte limbs, acidic mouth, sharp eyeliner. As he ducks to In Da Club and shimmies to Waiting for Tonight, he digs a palm into Jeremiah’s cheek—he’s solid like limestone, burnished as bronze, his eyes amber portals like a patch of quicksand.

“Did you tell Biyu about me?” Harrison asks. His head pounds, the music too loud, swelling in his ears like an inflating airbag. He should go back to the bar now. They’ve got whiskey sours, gibsons, margaritas. If he flutters his eyelashes long enough at the bartender, maybe he’ll get a little more than a free drink—that’s fine too. Kelly Clarkson sings about praying, breaking, and he could do both in the hands of someone who smells like blood oranges, tastes like Bible paper, stares like Jesus the moment before he performs a miracle, couldn’t he?

“Focus on me,” Jeremiah says, guiding Harrison closer by the hips, so confident as his wooden Mary bracelet jolts with the movement because he’s here in this blinking room, dancing because he’s twenty-one just like Harrison, because he’s electric, alive, because he’s blinding like noonday sun, steady as a fountain cycling the same water over and over, because he’s unashamed in this brisk light, shocking like the zip of battery acid on a tongue. He doesn’t need to try, melds into the bleating crowd like he’s part of it, and he is. He smells like pomegranates, tastes like cherries the next time Harrison kisses him—Chapstick? Cocktail?—and tomorrow, he’ll rise early for a shift at Greta, slip on his navy uniform polo, his makeup untouched despite everything Harrison will do to him tonight because he’s faultless, not quiet, hair precariously puffed, nails buffed to a glassy sheen. He and Biyu might catch breakfast at dawn, bond over their glittery eyelids, their intrinsic closeness, wonder over poached eggs if he’s worth it—graceless Harrison in this cowboy hat and smudged makeup, his jacket cuffs soaked with vodka soda, his head lolling to the insistent voice of Justin Timberlake.

“Biyu thinks I’m quiet,” Harrison says, knocking back the rest of his drink, his neck cracking. He wants to scratch off his face, replace it with someone else’s. “You think I’m meek. So what is it? Do I need to get a tattoo or something?”

Jeremiah glances around the club, his irises starred by a spotlight. What does he see when he looks out at the crowd? Perhaps he recognizes half of these people—from the way he ordered at the bar to the way he slunk so easily onto the dance floor, Harrison assumes he’s been here before. And maybe it’s not just that he recognizes everyone else on the floor, but that they recognize him in return.

Cont'd but with a lot more mouths:

“Did you hear what I said?” Harrison asks.

Jeremiah’s eyes snap back to his, except there’s something hazy there, something tired. “What would a tattoo do for you?”

“I don’t know. Edge? I just think I could—”

And then Jeremiah’s turned away again, right into the arms of someone else—a tanned man with a dense mustache and olive eyes, the man going, “It’s been too long,” and Jeremiah going “It’s been too long,” their grins calcium white, flashing in Harrison’s face. He throws a hand up to his eyes, squints when a second later, the man pulls a woman toward Jeremiah, her hair cropped low and cotton candy pink. She kisses his cheek, says he looks ravishing, he looks like a comet on its way to ignite planet earth, and they’re all holding each other now, friends bopping to Gwen Stefani, admiring each other’s bracelets, thumbs, friends curving toward each other’s ears, kissing each other’s cheeks, each other’s mouths.

Harrison blinks because how many hands do they have now? Every second they seem to multiply—pink hair girl with four, Jeremiah with six. One’s tongue the other’s. Their fingertips fusing. The club fritzes around them like it’s confetti, the lights rippling into a Christmas bow and now there’s a redheaded man running his nose along Jeremiah’s neck, down Jeremiah’s shoulder, wrist, hand. Harrison had just done that back in his apartment, pinned chest-to-chest against him like a monarch fastened to a spreading board, and here Jeremiah is now, enmeshed in touch, in adoration because he should be adored—the men congregating around him now have their priorities straight. If they all got on their knees at Jeremiah’s feet, Harrison would understand. They aren’t exclusive, don’t even know each other’s last names, and besides, how can Jeremiah help how everyone magnetizes around him? Harrison can’t blame them. Jeremiah is illusory under the disco ball’s speckled light, his throat long, biteable, his eyes syrupy in his high. A woman takes him by the shoulder, but not just any woman—Biyu, and her eyes are pinched, analyzing, because she’s looking at Harrison, her glossy crimson nails on Jeremiah’s cheek, and she’s kissing him too now, her body joining the cluster, and it’s good, the way they all roll limbs to synth, the way they turn into each other’s faces and kiss, kiss, kiss. The music clangs, their mouths full of spit. The DJ says to hold your partners close, and they don’t have to. They are not simply together, not simply in chrysalis, but osmosed in their becoming.

Cont'd (GIANT sentence - CW: self harm)

A hand on Harrison’s elbow. He flinches and is surprised to see it’s Jeremiah who’s touched him. How did he get here so fast? Harrison expects a trail of blurry bodies to follow him, but where did everyone go? They’ve dashed from the club like embers scattering from a dulled fire, nowhere to be seen but dangerous anyway and weren’t they all just over there, under there, and are they lonely on the ceiling and how do they plan to get down and is it too loud in here and why is no one using their indoor voices and should he cover his ears and where is his mother now and how did Mary say I love you and did she ever dream of fleeing to Hollywood or speeding down the I-40 or telling Gabriel no and why does everyone worship a god who demands and calls it creation and what’s his name again—Harrison?—and when did his hands sprout from child to whatever he is now and should he dye his hair red, cut his wrists again and is it possible to be young and happy about it and is he still dancing, he’s still dancing, dancing, dancing, dancing, and someone’s complimenting his silver eyelids and would he like them to touch him gently and is it hot in here to anyone else and does he taste blood or the ocean and is this what it feels like to die in holy light and Jeremiah’s right in front of him, unkissed, still as dark water, as Lonan in the night, and now he’s holding Harrison’s face, his rings cool against his skin, and he’s kissing him too, tastes like spearmint and chocolate lip gloss, rum and Coke, rusted metal—the mouths of everyone in this room and this isn’t so bad, how their bodies net into each other, how in one breath, Harrison’s teeth clack against Jeremiah’s, and in the next, clack against another man’s and then another’s, his stubble rough, mouth sour, a chandelier earring flailing against his cheek, and then through his ear, his hands wound into cinnamon hair and he could be kissing himself and maybe he is and doesn’t he want that, the floor gelid, the music like cotton wool, their pelvises threaded, the walls caving, their mouths locked, the floor lava, the room too bright, his headache like an earthquake, two pairs of hands rattling to the beat of this bursting room one moment, then clutched together as they follow each other to a dim bathroom.

This section was inspired by @dallonwrites' lyrics in narrative post!!! also soft Felix cameo <3

The room is electric purple, smells like grapes, sweat, flexes under Harrison’s shoes like a sandcastle collapsing, like a sinkhole swallowing a house. Bodies weave across the floor, someone lighting a joint in the corner, someone reciting Sylvia Plath into a paper bag, going, the happening of this happening, going, the earth turns now.

Harrison’s head pounds—he should’ve brought a blister pack of acetaminophen because at least then he’d have something to punch, or he should’ve punched out his own eye by now, disappeared with another man who isn’t Jeremiah and didn’t he try, and where is the man with cinnamon hair now? Harrison turns to look for him, but the room ripples with his movement, shirring in staccato clacks around him like a shaken rice maraca. He’d hoped he’d write his number on a man’s wrist tonight even though he doesn’t have a cell phone—he’d hoped he’d go home with someone who shouts the lyrics to Madonna’s Everybody in twilight’s stillness, a man who’d let the DJ shake him, a man who’d let the music take him. And he could do all of that with Jeremiah—Jeremiah who probably did those things at the party Harrison wasn’t invited to, Jeremiah who knows how to pass off frozen spanakopita as homemade because he’s a good host, Jeremiah who knows how to kick people out of his apartment with kindness, Jeremiah who’s built to be kissed, to be loved. And where is he now? In the artificial light, Harrison hunts for him too—but he’s not in the unhinging bathroom stalls, not in the teal grout, the running sinks, and maybe he never existed at all, missing like Jesus in the tomb—body gone, body gone, body gone.

Cont'd BODY BACK BODY BACK BODY BACK:

Harrison rubs his eyes. His ears still ring from the clatter outside, and he stands at the bathroom’s entrance like a child who’s lost his mother in the mall. Should he sit down? A group of girls form a ring on the floor, chant about Leos, Britney, men. Someone shuffles in past him, knocks into his shoulder by accident, apologizes over and over, their hands clutched against his face—I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry.

He yanks away. Don’t touch me, he wants to say, I don’t want to be touched ever again, but by the time he’s located his mouth, his eyes pulsing to a hi-hat, his nose burning on a cloud of cherry smoke, the person’s gone too. He presses his fingers to his eyes, wishes for a soft bed, a place to land, but then he’s rocking forward, right into someone else.

At first, they just stare at each other. The man’s got the same look in his eye—something gilt, something feral, an identical fear in his mouth. Harrison blinks hard, and the man does too—not a man, actually, but his own reflection.

He approaches the mirror, jolts at the way he touches himself—more carefully than he’s ever been touched before. Who are you? he wants to say. He’d like to leave this place now, the club, Las Vegas, the earth. He’d like to buy himself a pet tarantula, run off a cliffside, eat a tub of ice cream with his bare hands. Why did he come here again? His mind is so quiet. This could be peace. But who is he? In Jeremiah’s bathroom he knew, but now there’s this stranger ahead of him, the person who must be him—someone’s chandelier earring grazing his jaw, the cowboy hat lopsided, mascara running down his cheeks even though he hasn’t cried. Where did you go? he mouths, but he knows. He’s disappeared also like Jesus in the tomb, his limbs vanishing one by one, his skin melting off his hands—body gone, body gone, body gone. He grabs his cheeks, panicked because he’s on fire, gold tossed into the crucible. He’s going to burn to ash. He’s going to need a burial soon. His face has been stolen, his breastbone and knuckles too. A month ago, someone spat him into a basket like his body was ripe for the offertory—body gone, body gone, body gone.

“Back,” Harrison says, nose grazing the spattered mirror. His chest swells, and maybe he is burning, and maybe he’s right here, hidden somewhere in the pinprick of his reflection. “Back,” he repeats. He isn’t thoughtful. He isn’t profound. Maybe that’s fine. He squeezes his tear-duct, sticks out his tongue. He’ll die eventually, let his body disappear, but not right now. “Body back, body back, body back.”

Cont'd ft. Harry-something (CW: mild violence):

“I know you.”

Harrison whips around. In front of him stands a redheaded man—the same redhead who’d held Jeremiah close on the dance floor, trailed his oily nose along his neck. He wears a pair of browline sunglasses, a black vinyl vest draped with silver chains. He holds a clove, its smoke clouding the ruby pinging off his ring finger, his mouth ghosted with what looks like red lipstick.

“What?” Harrison says, jumping when the bathroom door clangs open and in come two more women. He lifts his fingers to his mouth, pulls up a hangnail until it stings.

“I saw you out there,” says the man, taking a puff of his cigarette. “Harry-something?” He looks like a scarlet ibis, strangely translucent. “JJ’s friend.”

Harrison digs his fingertips into his eye socket. His head feels like it’s been cleaved with an axe. “Harrison.”

Redhead smiles, blows smoke into Harrison’s face. “What’d you say?”

“My name is Harrison.”

“I’m Perry,” he says, and Harrison wouldn’t give a fuck if his name was Matt Dillon or Rob Lowe or Nash Baker because he’s blowing smoke into his face again, his clove flailing like a dislocated finger. He gestures to Harrison’s outfit, nodding. “You’re like a one man show.”

Harrison covers his eyes. Maybe he can find a dark hole in this club to dive into, somewhere no one will find him again. “What does that mean?”

Perry’s smile falters momentarily, but then it’s back, all teeth, no lips. “You’ve got this flair. You ever been told that? Weird, but good, it’s—”

The second he purses his lips to blow out more smoke, Harrison grabs him by the throat, pulls him so close he can see a constellation of blackheads on his chin, feel his heart hammering.

Perry yelps, nearly losing his hold on the clove altogether.

Harrison arcs his jaw around his ear. He smells like orchids, freshwater. “Don’t ever do that again.”

Cont'd - Harrison is weird :)

Perry laughs, the sound strangled beneath Harrison’s grip. Smoke fumbles out of his mouth like worms. He really does look like a bird, which in this case, isn’t a good thing. “Noted.”

“Do you want to kiss me?”

“You have a hand around my throat.”

“That’s not an answer.”

Well, I'll leave it there lmao!!! Sorry I subjected you to this man, but hope you enjoyed this gigantic update!

FIN. MAGNUM OPUS COMPLETE!

See you soon!

Rachel

#writeblr #writing #amwriting #writerblr #writingupdates #ohhhh harrison #this was so hard to write because of all his bad decisions but also SO FUN FOR THE SAME REASON #PLS TELL ME WHAT U THINK IT'S BEEN ME AND THIS CHAPTER FOR A MONTH ALONE I NEED VALIDATION <3 #next chapter perry gets his moped STOLEN (I wonder by who...)#bodyback

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