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drabbles-mc · 4 years ago

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Neron ‘Creeper’ Vargas x F!Reader

@redpoodlern requested more Dad!Creeper and honestly I was more than happy to deliver on that haha. And thank you to @garbinge for always helping me pull together all of my ideas!

Warnings: language, mentions of alcohol, Creeper being a big ol’ softie with his kiddos

Word Count: 3k

A/N: This definitely takes place in the same universe as Like Father, Like Son because I’m a big fan of the family dynamic that I was sort of starting to build there. If no one has any objections that’s probably going to be my default HC for my future Dad!Creeper fics unless stated otherwise haha. I just love the idea of him with a pack of kids.

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The kids had one week off from school. One week. Seven days. Technically only five if you weren’t counting the weekend. You didn’t want to take the entire week off of work when you would be out on maternity leave in a couple more months, and as much as Creeper wanted you to be taking it easy, he said that if you really wanted save your time off for your leave, he would gladly keep the kids with him for the week.

“You and the guys can’t be doing,” you glanced around to make sure the kids weren’t in the room, “You and the guys can’t be doing serious club shit while they’re there, okay?” you knew that Creeper was always careful, but you also knew that some of the other men in the MC with him weren’t quite as cautious.

“Never, mama,” he leaned in and kissed your cheek, “Don’t worry. We’ll hold it down. It’s been a while since they got some time with their uncles, anyway.”

“Alright,” you nodded, taking a deep breath, “Go round up the gremlins, then,” you laughed, “They should each have their backpack with stuff in it.”

“Givin’ ‘em homework on their week off?” he chuckled.

You shook your head, “No, no. Just stuff to do if they get bored at the clubhouse. Coloring books, matchbox cars, whatever else they can fit in there.”

“Pfft,” he shook his head, “like we’ll ever let them get bored,” he let out a whistle, “Let’s go, homies! Time to roll out.”

Their footsteps thundered through the house as all three if them came booking it down the hall, each with their backpacks either on their shoulders or dangling from their hands. Both you and Creeper laughed at how excited they were to spend some time with their dad and their entire squad of uncles at the clubhouse.

“Which car you taking, baby?” you asked him.

“Just figured I’d take the van. It’s got all their stuff in it already.”

You smiled, nodding as you grabbed the keys off the counter and tossed them to him, “Alright, no doing donuts with it.”

He chuckled, “If they ask I won’t be able to tell them no,” he was about to say something else when his phone started going off in the pocket of his kutte. He reached and took it out, brows furrowing slightly as he answered, “Yea? Yea I’m about to head out. We’ll talk about it when I get there,” he shook his head slightly, “Alright yea,” with a huff he hung up the phone.

“All good?” you arched one eyebrow.

He nodded, “Yea. They act like I’m not gonna see them in twenty minutes. What the fuck is that important that it can’t wait?”

You shot him a glare, “Neron! Language, please.”

“Shit, sorry.”

You sighed, pinching the bridge of your nose.

He smiled sheepishly, stepping in close to give you a kiss, “I’m sorry, I love you, and I’ll call you later, mama.”

“Mhm,” you laughed as you playfully shoved him towards the door, “Tell the kids they gotta keep your boys in line.”

“They don’t even need me to tell ‘em.”

Very few things rivaled the excitement that the guys felt when they saw the minivan rolling into the scrapyard. Seconds after Creeper threw the van in park, all of the kids came sprinting out. His son leapt out of the passenger seat as his little sisters came tumbling out the back. It was quite the scene watching them walk up with their father, looking like quite the entourage all together.

“Wifey let you take the real whip today, huh?” Angel said with a laugh as he pulled Creeper into a hug.

He chuckled, “Anything for the wolfpack,” Creeper watched as his kids made their rounds to say hi and hug each of the men that were outside the clubhouse waiting for them to arrive.

Angel looked over at the minivan, “Still can’t believe she let you put those fuckin’ stickers on there, bro,” he laughed.

“Yo,” he smacked Angel in the chest, “No swearin’ in front of the kids,” he paused, “What do you got against the stickers? I think they’re cool.”

“Guess I just never thought that your soccer mom van needed fake bullet holes.”

“That’s what keeps it from being a soccer mom van,” he tapped the side of his head with a knowing look, like he had cracked some sort of code.

“Right,” Angel laughed and shook his head before turning his attention to the kids, “Brandon! Get over here! Let’s see if you’re taller than me yet, dude.”

Creeper turned and saw that the twins were already trying to take Hank down to the ground—a goal that they’d had ever since they were little toddlers. Every time they saw him, they got closer and closer to being successful but they weren’t quite there yet. He had one hanging off of each arm as he tried to walk across the yard without falling over onto them. Creeper laughed as he watched the shenanigans unfold, and they’d only been there for about two minutes.

“Alex! Ava!” he shook his head slightly with a smile, “Give Uncle Hank a break, alright? The man has work to do.”

“They’ll be taking him to the ground soon enough, man,” EZ laughed as he let Hank struggle with the two little girls.

“Make sure you’re filming it,” Creeper responded with a laugh as he crossed his arms over his chest.

“How’s Y/N?” EZ asked.

“Pregnant,” he looked over at EZ and laughed, “Nah she’s good. Working this week, so we got some extra help around here.”

“She’s still working?”

He nodded, “Oh yea. She’ll work till the baby pops outta her,” he shook his head, “I don’t know how she fu—” he caught himself, “I got no clue how she does it, man.”

“Pregnancy one of those things you get better at the more you do it?”

He laughed, “Why don’t you ask her next time you see her?”

“Hard pass,” he shook his head, laughing.

Creeper was glad that he had an entire team of guys to help him try to tire them all out, because it wasn’t an easy task in the slightest. At one point he was fairly certain that he lost them in the depths of the scrapyard and when he did finally find them, they were running around and playing hide and seek where all the scrapped cars were kept. The only thing that kept him from having a heart attack at the sight of it was knowing that none of the cars had any glass left in them that the kids could cut themselves on. But the three of them had easily turned the scrapyard into their kingdom.

“C’mon, lunch time,” he called out to them and they all hesitated, not quite ready to give up the game. Creeper sighed, “Chucky made lunch for you guys.”

That was all it took. Their eyes lit up and the girls almost pushed their brother to the ground in an attempt to beat him back to the clubhouse. Creeper shook his head as he followed them, egging them all on.

“C’mon, B-Dawg, use those legs!” he called after his son with a laugh.

“Knees to chest, Brandon!” Angel joined in as he watched the three of them race up the steps of the clubhouse.

Soon enough, the three of them were all sat at one of the tables inside the clubhouse. Chucky beamed at them, “The Vargas Trio,” he brought their plates over, “I hear you’re keeping us company for the week.”

“Dad said we get to come every day,” Ava said as she shoveled a spoonful of food into her mouth.

“Eat first, then talk, lil mama,” Creeper chastised her with a small smile as he shook his head.

Creeper sat at the table with them, casually drinking his beer as he watched the three of them tuck into the lunch that Chucky had made for them. He knew that Chucky loved when the kids were around—he became the ultimate chef and babysitter once those kids set foot on the property. There wasn’t a single thing that he wouldn’t do for those kids and Creeper could tell just by the way that Chucky seemed so at peace as he watched them sitting around the table together.

“What d’you guys say?” he asked them as he nodded towards Chucky.

“Thank you, Uncle Chucky,” they all said in unison.

The warmest of smiles spread across Chucky’s face as he nodded, “The pleasure is all mine.”

By late in the afternoon, the kids were finally starting to run out of steam. The girls were sprawled out on the floor of the clubhouse, art supplies strewn everywhere as they worked through entire sketchbooks’ worth of paper with Chucky. Brandon had been lurking at a safe distance as he watched some of the guys work in the scrapyard. The idea of breaking things apart was intriguing for many reasons to an eight-year-old boy, but he always listened if one of the men said to back up or not touch something. Every now and then, though, Creeper would let him take a crack at something with the hammer and the excitement on his son’s face was contagious.

The two of them walked back into the clubhouse to get a couple water bottles for themselves and the rest of the guys outside. Creeper was behind the bar, handing them over to his son while also trying to get a good look at what Alex and Ava were up to with Chucky. He smiled at the way the three of them seemed to exist so peacefully together. He hoped that the twins would always get along as well as they seemed to so far.

There was the quiet snapping sound of a pencil point breaking, followed by Alex tossing it to the side and huffing, “Fuck that.”

The entire clubhouse fell silent. Creeper’s eyes went wide as his jaw dropped slightly and Chucky looked over to him, trying to figure out what he was supposed to say or do. Creeper set one last water bottle down on the surface of the bar before addressing the issue.

“Alex? You good, babygirl?”

“It’s like the bazillionth time my pencil has broken.”

He wanted to be amused but he knew that you’d kill him for not talking about the whole language issue, “Alright. I hear you. But…but you can’t be talkin’ like that. Where’d you even hear that, anyway?”

“You,” all three of his kids replied in unison.

He exhaled sharply through his nose as he pressed his lips together into a thin line, trying to figure out what the right way to go about this was, “Look,” he waved for his son to follow him as he walked over to his daughters, “You can’t be talkin’ like that, okay? Those are grownup words. Whatever you do,” he rested his hand on her shoulder gently, “Don’t say that in front of Mommy,” he looked amongst the three of them, “And if it slips, you tell her that Uncle Angel taught you that, alright?” they all nodded and he let out a tiny sigh of relief, “Good. Okay.”

That was the last thing he said about it as he nudged Brandon’s shoulder and they went back to collect up the water bottles and bring them outside. The girls went back to their drawings and Chucky decided that there was nothing left to do but follow suit.

“Uncle Chucky?” Alex asked without looking up from her paper.

“Yes, my dear?”

“Why don’t you talk like they do?” she continued to fill in the cartoon coloring page, “Daddy says they’re grownup words but I never hear you saying them.”

“Speaking like a grownup doesn’t interest me in the slightest,” he smiled at her before returning to his own paper.

It was a week filled with antics. The clubhouse was covered in coloring pages of every cartoon and Disney character you could possibly think of. All of the guys had gotten their nails painted by the twins at least once. Brandon got his own Romero Brothers work-shirt and now he never wanted to take it off. Every single member of the MC was tired in a way they never remembered being tired before. Nap time was something that everyone partook in, even the adults, because they all needed the rest.

You took a half day on Friday so you could spend some time with all of them at the clubhouse. You liked seeing the kids running around having a good time with the guys, and truthfully you missed the nights you’d stay late with Creeper there. Late-night partying hadn’t been something the two of you had done in a long time, but none of that compared to the sense of joy you felt as you heard your daughters very intensely explaining the entire plot of both Frozen movies to EZ, who sat and nodded along, a very serious look on his face.

You smiled, making your rounds to say hello to the guys before you made your way over to Creeper who was sitting at the bar. He smiled, standing up to place a kiss to your lips and then to your belly before offering you his seat. You took it without hesitation, always happy to be off your feet for a few minutes.

“How’s the week been?” you asked as you glanced around the clubhouse.

He nodded, “Good. The guys will be sleeping for a week straight once the kids go back to school,” he laughed.

You smiled, nodding, “I bet.”

“It’s been nice having them here. Keeps things from getting to serious.”

“Yea,” you chuckled, “I’d imagine that it’s a bit harder to have a serious argument when all of your tables are covered in drawings of Olaf and Moana, and everyone’s nails are painted hot pink.”

“I kinda like it,” he held his hand out for you to inspect, “But I think purple is more my color.”

You laugh, nodding, “Oh, for sure, baby.”

The two of you were chatting when all of a sudden you heard a series of thuds, followed by Ava softly, but very clearly, saying, “Fuck,” as she rubbed her skinned knee.

You looked over at your husband, staring daggers, “Neron, I swear to god if—”

“It wasn’t me, mama, I swear,” he held his hands up in surrender.

With a sigh you rose up from the stool and made your way over to your daughter. You looked at her knee—it was scraped but it wasn’t bleeding. She also wasn’t crying which was a good sign. You asked if she was alright and when she said yes, you asked your follow-up question, “Where’d you hear that word, sweetie? Because those aren’t words that you should be using.”

Creeper held his breath as he waited for her to respond. Ava looked at you, and with no hesitation she responded, “Uncle Angel.”

You whipped your head to look at the biker in question. His eyes were as wide as you’d ever seen them. He tried to sputter out a denial, some kind of defense, but he couldn’t string the words together. He couldn’t believe that he’d just been thrown under the bus like that, especially by the girl who not even an hour beforehand said that he was her favorite uncle.

Calmly, you rose to your feet and smoothed out your dress. Creeper recognized the look in your eye and he knew that Angel was in for it. He felt bad, but not bad enough to step in and tell you the truth of the matter. It was a little deal in the grand scheme of things, really.

“Baby,” Creeper called after you, “Baby I can handle—”

“It’s fine, Neron,” your tone was dangerously even, “I just wanna talk to Uncle Angel for a minute.”

He knew that that meant you did not want to talk, “Mama, really—”

“Bring the kids outside, please. We gotta start heading home anyway.”

At that point he knew that he wasn’t going to convince you. He scooped Alex in one arm and Ava in the other, “Alright, let’s go, babygirls,” he nudged Brandon gently towards the door, “C’mon, lil homie, let’s pack the car up.”

Once the clubhouse door shut behind them, you turned your full attention to Angel. You picked up a stray coloring book and rolled it the same way you would a newspaper, and smacked him with it, “Angel Reyes!”

“Ah,” he held his arms to block your swings, “Y/N, hear me out!”

“You will not,” you smacked him again, “be teaching my six-year-olds how to cuss,” you hit him with the book once more for good measure, “Got it? Pregnant or not I will beat your ass.”

He held his hands up in surrender, “Okay, okay. Sorry, querida. Didn’t realize that they picked things up so quick.”

You pointed the rolled up coloring book at him accusingly, “Better start realizing it.”

“Yes ma’am,” he nodded.

You looked at him for a few seconds before giving a nod of approval and dropping the book back onto the table, “Good. Alright then,” you stood on your tip-toes and kissed him on the cheek, “Glad we’re on the same page. I love you.”

“Love you too,” he shook his head slightly as he followed you out of the clubhouse.

He said goodbye to the three kids as they piled into the minivan before pulling Creeper to the side, “Why’d Ava snitch on me like that, bro?”

Creeper chuckled nervously, running his hand over his head, “About that. I…I might’ve told them to blame you if they slipped up in front of their mom.”

“What the fuck, Creep?”

“What? You tellin’ me you wouldn’t do the same shit?”

He paused for a moment before laughing, “Yea, probably. But still,” he gave him a light shove, “Messed up turning my own nieces and nephew against me like that.”

“Technically just turning their mom against you a little bit,” he chuckled.

“I feel like that’s worse.”

“It’s definitely worse,” Creeper clapped him on the shoulder, “Well. Better get ready. Next vacation is gonna be for the whole summer.”

Angel laughed as he hugged Creeper, “Can’t wait.”

#mayans mc #mayansmc #mayans fx #mayans mc imagine #creeper vargas #creeper vargas x reader #creeper vargas x you #creeper vargas fanfic #neron vargas #neron creeper vargas #my writing #drabblesmc #fanfiction

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purecantarella · 3 years ago

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Sweet Promises

so this is overdue, i had this drafted a week ago but tumblr deleted ALL of my drafts :") so updates will take a little longer. i'll keep on writing but yeah, i'm gonna fix my account first. anyway, this is sort of my pride month fic. i genuinely hope you all enjoy it! 💖 disclaimer : shin yuna x female!reader, this contains hate speech and actions against the LGBTQ+ community. some angsty fluff ahead. reader's discretion is advised.

The story of your romance with Yuna was one of the classics. You'd been neighbours as kids and became inseparable as you both grew up and became best friends. Being attached at the hip since childhood, she knew your likes, your dislikes, your secrets, and your burdens. And you knew hers.

The attraction was hardly noticeable until Yuna had taken care of you after the biggest fight your parents had had to date.

The argument had been boiling in the house for the entire week when the brunette had come over to have dinner with you all since her parents had to work later that day.

"So, Yuna how are things at home?" Your father asked politely as you all ate at the table. Since all of you had sat down, the tension was present and eating away at the both of you. Yuna offered a polite smile before saying, "Good, Mr. L/n. But my dad recently got a promotion so he hasn't been home often and my mom is still looking for work." She explained hastily before taking another spoonful of food.

Your mother, who'd been glaring at your father, chimed in with, "Oh, see that, dear..." She began sarcastically. "Yuna's father has gotten another promotion." The man at the head of the table clenched his fist before giving the middle aged woman a tight grin. "And her mother is contributing something to the family, my love." With that harsh words were exchanged and they both screamed at one another, not even caring that both you and Yuna sat there in horror watching the adults fight.

She turned to you tentatively. As she saw you stare intently at your parents while your eyes glossed up with tears, she took your hand in hers under the table. Your gaze immediately shot to your best friend. She tilted her head to the backyard, silently asking you both to hang out there until things boiled down a little.

You and Yuna slipped out of the house and were welcomed by the cold night air and the beam of the moonlight. The shorter girl looked up at you, a broken expression etched onto your features. She gave you a small smile before plopping to the ground and dragged you down with her.

Giggles briefly swirled around the air, making light of the situation you were in. Once the both of you had settled down, she scooted her way into your lap as you chuckled and wrapped your arms around her waist. Your face nuzzled into her neck making her giggle. The night was almost serene, except of course for the heated debate inside the house. Yuna looked down at your comfortable features as she felt damp tears begin to trail down her neck. She bit her lip tentatively before placing her chin over the top of your head.

“It’s all going to turn out fine, N/n…” The brunette whispered in a baby voice, her hand moving to the back of your head. Making sure that you felt safe and secure despite your position. “I don’t know about that anymore, Yuna…” You paused to lean back. She shuddered as the cold wind hit the back of her neck, your warm embrace now missing. "This isn't the first time they've argued." You explained before returning to lean on her.

The dark haired girl turned her head, still cross legged, to look directly at you. It was a strange occurrence for her; seeing you so defeated. She'd always admired your strength in the public eye. You were the rock to her balloon. Yet here you were, so vulnerable. Yuna knew that she was the only one who got to see you like this. You needed her as much as she needed you, and that was always heart-warming to her.

But it was different this time.

The way she could feel your breath fanning her neck, the warmth that radiated off of you. Attempting to shake off the feeling, knowing you needed her support, she adjusted herself to no longer be leaning on you. Yuna moved to kneel in front of you, offering you a gentle smile, her hand placed over yours.

"I'm here Y/n. No matter what." She paused, leaning closer, brushing her nose against yours. "When things get tough, I promise I'll be here for you. For whatever you need, whenever you need it.” It was a simple enough promise. Something Yuna would always say. But there was something about the sincerity in her eyes and the proximity of her face, just a breath away.

You’d always known she was a beautiful girl. Everyone at school had their eyes on her but you’d just never seen the hype to her. She was your best friend after all.

Realizing you were both staring at one another, you pulled away and thanked her softly before laying down onto the grass to which she followed suit. You both stared up at the dark sky, your hands still intertwined.

After that, it became hard to ignore the creeping feeling in each of your chests that made your pulses hammer erratically. You couldn't ignore the butterflies in your chest when she smiled just for you, when her hand intertwined with yours, and when you cuddled how she propped her head over your chest listening to each detail, not letting a single thing run amiss.

It was the same with her. Movie nights became harder to navigate without getting too flustered, touches lingered longer between the two of you and it confused her to no end.

Before long, longing glances turned into loving stares and one drunken night after your highschool exams, you two finally kissed and admitted your feelings for one another.

Your relationship had become an open secret around the school and each of your households. Despite it being so out in the open, her parents had no idea. You were just clingy best friends to them. Which had become the subject of your petty arguments.

She was afraid to come out to her parents and with good reason. They'd raised her as a reserved child. Her parents wanted her and her sister to have a full and happy future. That came with a successful job, a loving husband, and kids. She didn't want to disappoint them. So you were understanding of her situation, as her best friend and her girlfriend.

"I'll see you tomorrow then?" You said as you walked her to stairs leading to the porch in front of her house, handing her her book bag. She looked up at you and gave you an adorable pout. The dark haired girl wrapped her arms around your neck, pulling you down to her level. You grinned dumbly, leaning lower. "You know, this wouldn't be a problem if you weren't so small—"

She placed her hand at the back of your head. "You always like to run your mouth, N/n." Yuna teased before pulling you towards her, pressing your lips together ever innocent, ever sweet. You relished the feeling of her soft lips against your own, placing your thumb and pointer under her chin to deepen the connection.

Your arm was about to wrap around her waist when you heard a sharp squeal from the household's door. Both of you jumped back. Her head whipping to the side, eyes going wide in horror as she saw her mother looking at her with utter disgust and disappointment.

"Your daughter has corrupted ours!" Her father screamed to both your parents, his face going red in anger. You looked over at Yuna. Her lower lip was trembling, her eyes were red and puffy, and she had clutched herself as if preventing herself from falling apart right there and then.

You wanted terribly to hold your girl in your arms and tell her everything was going to be fine. But you knew that if you took even a step closer, you might not get the chance to.

Your father rubbed his eyes tiredly yet raised a brow at his neighbour. "What are you talking about. Y/n's been nothing but a good friend and person to your daughter." Her mother scoffed and rolled her eyes. Her brown eyes narrowing at you, silently cursing you before pointing.

"Or so we thought. Turns out she's been filling our angel's mind with sapphic and devious thoughts." She spat at you. Yuna tried pulling her mom back, begging for her to stop her attack on you before she was pushed back violently. "Do you see? This is all your daughter's doing!"

No longer caring, you strong-held your way to her. "Are you okay, baby?" You asked, your thumb tracing over her cheekbone in the most delicate way you could. Her arms jutted around your waist pulling you closer. "Shin Yuna, get off of the monster." Her father said sternly.

"That monster is my daughter." Your father said standing up. Both of Yuna's parents scowled at your father. "What's your issue here? These two clearly care about each other, why get in the way of their happiness." You smiled at your father's words as you made eye contact and he offered you a small smile.

"Well now it's clear that this isn't the child's fault, more so you both as parents didn't raise her right." Mrs. Shin said, tutting softly. Your mother then gave her a tight grin.

"If you're going to insult me, my family, and my manner of raising my child. You know where the exit is." Your father wrapped an arm around your mother, agreeing wholeheartedly.

The two glared at your family before turning a heel, motioning for Yuna to follow. But she simply held onto your torso tighter. The sneer on each of their faces deepened before her father spit in your direction and walked out the door, her mother at his heel.

Hours went by after the incident, her sister had called to check up on her and they had talked it through. It'd been decided that Yuna would stay with your family for the time being, not that either of you were opposed to the idea anyway.

You lay in your bed, she was curled up on your chest. Hiccups fell from her lips every so often as a result of her hours of sobbing. Your arm securely wrapped around her waist and your hand running through her hair as you whispered sweet nothings into her ear in attempts to calm her down.

"I'm sorry it turned out this way. I wish I'd never forced you to tell them." You said suddenly. Yuna got up to meet your eye. Her face was, at this point, flushed. Both your hands sat on her cheeks, wiping the damp patches on her skin. She choked on another hiccup before shaking her head. "No, it was right this came out now. I don't want to hide us anymore..." She paused, putting her hands over yours, pressing them harder. "I don't want to hide anymore."

You gave her a small smile before tentatively taking her lips again. Your forehead then pressed against hers, wanting to feel a little closer to her. Her eyes were downcast and her expression still grim.

"It sucks right now, I know." You paused to force her to look at you. As you looked into her gorgeous brown eyes, you finally said, "But I'll be here for you. Every step of the way. I promise."

A small smile crept onto her face as she asked, "Promise?"

"I promise." You sealed your words with another peck of the lips. You took her in your arms again. Yuna looked up at your serene expression and she'd felt content and safe.

She had you, you had her. That was your promise.

cheesy, overdue, and hella late. yeah that's my brand now apparently. HAHAHAHAHA i hope you all enjoyed and i hope you all had a good pride month. remember that if anyone makes you feel uncomfortable or bad for who you love, no matter who it is, it's probably best to distance yourself from them for the time being. love is love and you should never feel bad for feeling things. anyway, requests are open and i'm very open to criticism and comments are very appreciated. i love you all and stay safe always! 💖 mini update : tumblr said that they have fixed my tags and i hope you all can see this. taglist : @labrachrosite

#itzy #itzy x reader #itzy imagines #itzy yuna #shin yuna #yuna x reader #yuna imagines #girl group imagines #kpop imagines #gxg #girl group x reader #happy pride 🌈

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carryonmywaywardcaptain · 4 years ago

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Miles of Memories- 1

We’ve Got Tonight- Bob Seger

Miles of Memories Masterlist CarryOnCap’s Masterlist

Dean x reader Best Friends to Lovers AU

Summary: Feeling anxious about heading off to college, you make the most of your last night in town with the help of your best friend, Dean.

Warnings: fluffy, adorable Dean and fun banter. Slight angst (goodbyes are hard). Minor mentions of childhood trauma

WC: 2,900

A/N: This part is like a “prelude” to give you a glimpse of Y/N and Dean’s relationship (5 years before the main storyline). I hope you stay tuned for the slowest of Dean x fem!reader slowburns. I’m so excited to share this story, so please let me know what you think! MASSIVE thanks to my spectacular and badass beta crew—@christopher-evxns @deanwinchesterswitch @ezilyamuzed & @wonder-cole—for all of their help and input!! I edited even after their feedback, so all mistakes are my own. Credit to Bob Seger for the song :)

Zipping your suitcase closed with a heavy sigh, you worked through your mental checklist for the hundredth time to make sure you hadn’t forgotten to pack anything.

“Jeez, you act like it’s the last time you’ll ever see this place or something.” With a smile and a roll of your eyes, you turned to see Dean leaning casually against your doorframe. “Y’know, I figured I’d talk to Bobby about renting this space out anyway. Save you the stress of missing it while you’re gone because it’ll look completely different the next time you come back.”

“I’m not too worried. I think you’re the last person Bobby would trust with anything—let alone a space in his house.”

Dean grinned, pushing off the doorframe to mosey into your room. “See, normally I’d agree with you. But it just so happens that he gave me my very own key to the garage, so I think he’s coming around. This ready?” He pointed at the suitcase on your bed, and you nodded.

“Riiight. I’m supposed to believe that Bobby would actually give you a key to come and go at the shop anytime you want.”

Dean shrugged, spinning on his heel with your bag in hand. “Guess he’s looking for a new favorite since you’re skipping town to go be successful out in the real world.”

You snorted and shook your head, silently following him to the door. He stepped out of the way, placing his free hand on the doorknob as you scanned the bedroom one last time. Gnawing your bottom lip, you sucked in a deep breath and tried to alleviate some of the tightness in your chest.

This room had been a safe haven for most of your life, and it was hard to remember the days before you called it “home.” Your mother had passed away when you were a toddler, and your father was a drunk, in and out of jail and your life until one day he didn’t come back. Bobby had often been the one who took care of you when your father needed to pass you off onto someone else.

You didn’t remember much about the “Travelin’ Man” (as Bobby not-so-lovingly referred to him on the rare occasions he was mentioned), but you could easily recall the night Bobby told you this would be your room for good. The relief and excitement you’d felt upon learning you’d have a space of your own were still vivid. Knowing you had a place you could always return to provided a sense of stability and consistency you’d never known.

Bobby may not have been your father by blood, but he was your dad in every sense of the word. Sure, he was a little rough around the edges and tended to be a hermit, but he also had a heart of gold, and not once had he ever made you question whether he cared about you.

A few weeks after settling into your new home, you had met Jessica and Sam during recess at your new elementary school. Although they were a grade younger, you’d instantly hit it off with them. Jess and Sam had always been there for you over the years, too, willing to lend an ear or make time for movie nights and spontaneous trips to the diner. Eventually, Sam had introduced you to Dean, and the two of you had been inseparable ever since. Each and every memory you had growing up involved at least one (if not all three) of them. But while it was difficult saying goodbye to everyone in general...you still hadn’t been able to grasp the idea of saying goodbye to Dean.

Dean was the one who had been by your side through everything. From heartfelt life chats and your deepest moments of self-doubt to car ride sing-alongs and your loudest belly laughs. He was always there to comfort you, remind you not to take things so seriously, and even drag you into trouble once in a while.

The thought of leaving him and your safe, familiar home brought yet another wave of apprehension and doubt. What if you were making a huge mistake?

“Y/N...” Dean’s gentle voice coaxed you back to reality. “We’ve still got a lot to pack into our night, so don’t go checking out on me yet.”

Without looking back, you slipped past Dean and heard him shut the door as you made your way downstairs.

“You know, this wouldn’t be so hard if you would’ve just applied like I told you to. Then we could both be going off to college together, and you’d find out what an honor it would be to have me as a roomie.”

“Okay, well, let me remind you that you’re the one who decided to go ‘see what’s out there’ and get a fancy college degree under her belt. And, even if we did survive being roommates without making the other want to pull their hair out, there’s no way in hell that town would be able to handle both of us.”

“That’s fair.”

“Besides, I won’t have much of a chance to miss you. You’ll probably flunk out and be back here by the end of the semester anyway.”

“Also fair,” you laughed. “Taking a year off to work at The Roadhouse and pretend to get my life together seemed like a good idea at the time, but I’m a little worried about getting into the groove of studying and all that crap again.”

“You know, if you need help, all you gotta do is pick up the phone. I mean, Sammy’s a real bookworm, and he’s only a phone call away.” Dean winked as he held the front door open and motioned for you to lead the way.

Sticking your tongue in your cheek, you fought to hide your amusement at the way he threw his brother under the bus. Before you made it through the door, you whirled around toward the stairs again. “Dang it. I forgot my bathroom bag. Do you mind tossing that one in the car? I’ll be right back!”

“Another bag? Where are you gonna put all this crap?” he muttered.

After retrieving the pouch from the bathroom upstairs and making sure you hadn’t left any necessary items in the drawers and cabinets, you hurried outside to find Dean patiently waiting beside your car. You tossed the small bag and he caught it with ease, pitching it in the backseat before closing the door.

“And done. Any last-minute stops to make along the way?” he asked.

“Nope. I caught Ellen, Jo, and Jody at the end of my shift yesterday, and Charlie was over for a bit this morning. And, you know, Sam and Jess ditched us for California last weekend. That means you and Bobby are the only two left to put up with me until I leave in the morning.”

When your voice cracked unexpectedly, you cleared your throat and surveyed the scrapyard until the faint prick in the corners of your eyes faded. As your departure drew near and you considered everything you were leaving behind, venturing out into the world was quickly beginning to feel more daunting than exciting.

“Hey…” Dean gripped the tops of your arms, stirring you from your thoughts. “We’ve got tonight. Who needs tomorrow? We’ve got tonight...babe. Why don’t you staaaaaaaayy—”

You had thought he was going to say something sweet and comforting, but you playfully shoved him in the chest when you realized he was speaking in Bob Seger lyrics. He stumbled back a step, laughing as he walked around the front of the impala and climbed inside.

***

There was an old park on the outskirts of town where Bobby and John would occasionally drop you both off when they had errands to run. As the years passed, you began riding your bikes the few miles across town, taking turns balancing Sam on your handlebars until Dean was old enough to drive. Eventually, Sam stopped tagging along, but somewhere along the way the park became a place you and Dean cherished.

A large pond stretched across most of the area, and there was a stately willow tree near the water’s edge that served as your designated “spot.” It was a hideaway often overlooked by others, but it was the perfect escape when the two of you needed a place that was all your own.

“Alright.” Dean plopped down beside you on the blanket. “You’ve got your grub, an amazing view, and the best company you could ever ask for. What else could you possibly want?”

“You’re right. Baby’s good company and all, but she’s not much of a conversationalist.”

Dean grimaced. “Just for that, I might eat your food.”

“Depending on what it is, I might let you.”

He smirked and unrolled the brown paper sack in his hand. “PB&J’s, just like Mom used to make! I asked if she could whip up a few before she flew out to make sure Sam got all settled at Stanford. She said to tell you she’s sorry she couldn’t catch you and to wish you good luck. This seemed like a, uh, better idea at the time...now that it’s been a couple of days, these might taste like shit.”

You couldn’t help but laugh as you took the sandwich Dean offered. “We’ve probably eaten worse, but I appreciate the sentimental twist. Seeing as how you’re in your 20’s and you had your mom make us sandwiches.”

“Hey, I was going for authenticity! Trying to help you feel like a kid again before you start adulting or whatever and—you know what? Just shut up and eat your food.”

The two of you unwrapped your sandwiches and continued bantering back and forth between bites. Even though the bread was soggy from marinating in jelly for a few days, and it certainly wasn’t the best thing you’d ever eaten, it brought back a flood of nostalgia.

When a comfortable silence fell over the two of you, your thoughts began to drift to dozens of adventures you and Dean had had here. You gazed out over the water, watching the willow branches graze the surface as they gently swayed in the breeze. You tried to commit every detail to memory as you soaked in the peaceful atmosphere, not knowing how long it would be until you returned.

After a while, Dean chuckled under his breath, and you looked at him curiously.

“You remember that day we were pretending to be pirates, and Dad ended up coming to pick us up early?”

“Of course.”

“Man, he was so pissed when he saw us standing on top of that picnic table we managed to drag out and ‘sail’ into the middle of the pond. Sure made an awesome ship, though.”

You smiled at the memory, though it was anything but funny at the time. “I think he was a little more pissed at the fact that we left Sam playing alone in the gazebo. And obviously what made the ‘ship’ great was the pirate flag I made.”

“Uh-huh,” Dean snorted. “You mean the crappy skull you drew on our lunch bag and stuck on the end of a stick? Pretty sure we were having a blast with the ship because it was my brilliant idea in the first place.”

“I was like 8, and it was still better than anything you could’ve drawn.” You crumpled up your trash and threw it at him. “And I was having fun--right up until you pushed me off anyway. I nearly choked to death on all that nasty water I sucked in.”

“Okay, well, you shouldn’t have been trying to be Captain when I’m the oldest, and it was clearly my title to begin with. There was no plank to walk, but obviously, you had to go overboard.”

He grinned, keeping his gaze fixed on the water. As you studied his face and noticed the faraway look in his eye, his smile faded. You figured his thoughts had drifted back to his dad, who had passed away a couple of years later.

“I felt so damn bad, though. I really was afraid you were gonna drown. And Bobby was ready to kill me when he found out.”

“Lucky for you, you can’t get rid of me that easily.”

The two of you joked and reminisced for several more hours, eventually watching the sun set over the water until it sank below the horizon. When it was time to head back to Bobby’s, Dean took the long way home so you could crank the radio and sing along with your hand hanging lazily out the open window. Back at the house, you sat on the kitchen counter and talked with both men until Bobby finally bid you goodnight--but you still weren’t ready to call it a night, knowing morning would come soon and it would be time for you to leave.

After convincing Dean to stay a little longer, you grabbed a couple of old blankets and spread them in the bed of one of the pickup trucks near the house. With your head on his chest and your body tucked comfortably against his side, you chatted beneath the stars until you drifted off to sleep.

***

“Got everything all packed up?” Bobby asked.

“I think so,” you answered.

“Better double-check because I’m not driving a few hours just to bring you a lost shoe or something.”

“Is that a challenge?” you teased, seeing right through his gruff quip. “Because I bet I could talk you into it. We both know you’re not gonna know what to do without me.”

He frowned a little before smiling fondly, and you could’ve sworn there was a misty glaze in his eyes.

“Yeah. I s’pose you’re right.”

“Oh, don’t get all sentimental on me now. You could probably use a little break. Besides, I’ll be back so often you’ll just get sick of me all over again.”

“C’mere, kid.”

Bobby reached out and pulled you into a hug. Much too soon, he let go and stepped aside so you could say goodbye to Dean. His soft green eyes had been fixed on you, but he glanced away and clenched his jaw when you took a step toward him.

“So, uh...don’t forget about us when you make it big out there in the real world—catch a break as an artist or an author or some music critic.”

“Yeah, okay,” you scoffed. “I haven’t even picked out a major yet, but I think I have an advisor who can help me figure out a good fit...eventually. Maybe I’ll be a doctor—or follow in Sam’s footsteps and be a lawyer!”

“There you go. Why not just do it all while you’re at it? Jack of all trades, master of none. Whatever you end up doing, you better come back to visit soon.”

“You got it. Try not to turn into a grumpy old man while I’m gone.”

He shook his head, cracking a smile as he met your eyes. “Only a couple years older than you, brat. Anyway, I didn’t get a whole lot of sleep last night, so I made you a playlist for the drive. Figured I might as well do something useful while I was awake. I sent it to you while you were getting ready.”

Pulling out your phone, you found a message already waiting with a link to the playlist.

“This is awesome, Dean, thank you. But if it ends up being six hours of nothing but Zeppelin, I’m gonna be pissed.”

He tossed his head back and laughed, making the knot in your throat grow once again at the thought of not seeing him almost every day. You couldn’t help but wonder if he’d miss you as much as you were going to miss him.

“Don’t worry; I think it ended up being a decent mix. Not too many classics and not too much of the more modern crap. There was, uh... a certain thought process behind each song, let’s just say that.”

“We all know some of that modern crap is a guilty pleasure of yours. I mean, Taylor Swift?”

“Yeah…” His gaze lingered until his grin faded to a sad smile. “Yeah, you’re right.”

Pressing your lips into a thin line, you leaned forward and threw an arm around each man. Squeezing your eyes closed, you hugged them tight.

“All joking aside...you got nothing to worry about. You’re gonna kick this college thing in the ass,” Dean murmured.

“Thank you.”

Clearing your throat, you slipped out of their embrace and quickly made your way to the car.

“Drive safe--and call when you get there!” Bobby hollered.

Stealing one last glimpse over your shoulder, you waved and slid behind the wheel. You hit shuffle on the playlist, letting the music fill the vehicle while you fasten your seatbelt.

I know it’s late

I know you’re weary

I know your plans don’t include me...

You shook your head and smiled, blinking back tears at the irony of the song—the lyrics perfectly encapsulating your night with Dean.

Look at the stars so far away

We’ve got tonight

Who needs tomorrow?

We’ve got tonight, babe

Why don’t you stay?

As you started the car and drove away, seeing him and Bobby grow smaller in the rearview mirror, you finally began to cry.

Part 2

CarryOnCap Crew (Forevers):

@abswritesfandoms @amanda-teaches @cosicas-cuquis @crist1216 @droidyouseek @emoryhemsworth @ericaprice2008 @flawless-disaster @janeyboo @jenn0755 @ksgeekgirl @maresmiley @memyselfandmaddox @notyourtypicalrose @randomparanoid @rynabarnesrogers @sandlee44 @scarletsoldierrr @shann-the-artist-moon @sheerioasteroidpanda @shynara51 @someday-when-you-leave-me @star-spangled-man-with-a-plan @thisismysecrethappyplace @torntaltos @waywardbaby @waywardrose13 @weebid @whimsicalrobots @wintersoldierbaby @yesfanficsaremylife

Cap’s SPN Crew:

@adoptdontshoppets @akshi8278 @alexwinchester23 @chevyharvelle @deangirl7695 @dean-winchesters-bacon @fandomoniumflurry @pisces-cutie @supernaturalenchanted @superromijn @thoughts-and-funnies @waywardnerd67 @x-waywardaf-x

Miles of Mems Tags:

@bobbie3939 @jerkbitchidjitassbutt @mlovesstories @onethirstyunicorn @peridottea91 @valsworldofcreativity

Also tagging those of you who seemed interested when I posted the masterlist. I don’t want to pester you, so I probably won’t tag you in future parts unless you let me know that you’d like to be tagged!

@badlittlehabit99 @cajunquandary @devvoon @flamencodiva @hybrid-in-the-making @impalackless @janicho88 @themoonblooms

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sodascherrycola · 2 years ago

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Instagram Intros (Alexei & Anneliese’s Kids)

Nikolai Alexei Smirnoff

DOB: September 27th 1978 Age: 42 years old Hometown: Krasnoyarsk, Russia S/O: Nicole Peterson Kids: Heidi and Everett Best Friend(s): Daniil Knudsen Aesthetic: The typical older brother, always wanted to be successful, and absolutely idolized Alexei and wanted to be just like him. He was a daddy's boy through and through and very protective of his younger siblings.

Wes Mikhail Smirnoff

DOB: July 19th 1980 Age: 40 years old Hometown: Krasnoyarsk, Russia S/O: Sofia Gonzalez Kids: Matteo Best Friend(s): Grigory Rakitić and Maksimilian Safin Aesthetic: He was the party animal out of all his siblings. He did suffer from the pressures of being manly and tried to prove to everyone that his is a man, which caused many dangerous stunts to show off to his friends. He was very close to his mother and was always a mama's boy, though his mother did worry about him, he did eventually settle down.

Anastasia Louisa Smirnoff

DOB: January 11th 1984 Age: 36 years old Hometown: Krasnoyarsk, Russia S/O: Thomas Ethenburg Kids: Jackson, Prescott, and Dmitri Best Friend(s): Irina Mosolov and Mira Baladin Aesthetic: Very clean pinterest look, loves to travel and lives like some sort of russian supermodel. Always seems put together during the day, and always going out with friends at night. Learned her secret breakfast hangover cure from her mother.

Ivan Venedict Smirnoff

DOB: December 14th 1987 Age: 33 years old Hometown: Krasnoyarsk, Russia S/O: Kelly Williams Kids: Nathan, Emmeline, Torrance, and Olivia Best Friend(s): Thomas Minsky Aesthetic: He is a very talented writer and wanted to become a crime journalist when he was young. His parents encouraged this and he would go around is small neighbourhood and interview anything he could. When he was 18 he moved to New York City where he met his now wife and became a reporter for the New York Times.

Ella Viktoria Smirnoff

DOB: August 28th 1990 Age: 30 years old Hometown: Dyer, Indiana S/O: Nicholas Griffin Kids: None Best Friend(s): Melina Gorbachev and Lukas Pasternak Aesthetic: She is the fun aunt all of her nieces and nephews you absolutely adore. She is also Alexei’s favourite considering it is his youngest daughter and the two have always had a natural bond. When she was little she used to follow her dad around everywhere, watch cartoons with him, and put on his glasses and pretend to be him.

Sacha Warner Smirnoff

DOB: February 19th 1997 Age: 23 years old Hometown: Dyer, Indiana S/O: Haylie Burger Kids: None Best Friend(s): James West, Riley Coley, Micah Brown, and Isabella Meyers Aesthetic: Youngest and also the only Gen Z in his family. He was also the only one in his family to not speak Russian, including his German mother. He knows a couple words and phases here or there, and only whips them out when he’s trying to be a flirt. He only ever heard the phases being told to his mother by his father, not knowing what they meant he would go up to girls and try it on them, it always made his mom blush and practically fall into his папа’s arms. He got suspended for inappropriate talk.

#stranger things #stranger things oc #stranger things introductions #nikolai smirnoff #wes smirnoff #anastasia smirnoff #ivan smirnoff #ella smirnoff #sacha smirnoff #alexei smirnoff #anneliese smirnoff #instagram introductions #stranger things next generation introductions

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mirismuffins-ovo · 4 years ago

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Plant Palace pt 8🌿

John felt guilty,he hadn’t expected Eddie to accept him back so easily but it still hurt to feel rejected. John had gone back to his car. It was a colder night but he sleeplessly stayed there for the night. Missing his kids and filled with sadness,what would he tell his kids if he came back and said Eddie didn’t want anything to do for John. He’d felt lonely for such a long time and feared losing the one person he wanted to be with most.

He stayed there for the rest of the night,ignoring his hungry stomach begging for food. John normally went hungry for the sake of the kids when they handed out rations for the camps and he’d gotten into the habit of eating less. His clothes hid that fact for the most part,he had examined Eddie's house,it was nice. Eddie had done well for himself,and he didn’t blame Eddie for being mad at John,he’d ran off after promising they’d have a family together and raise the babies together. Sleeplessly lying in the driver's seat with it reclined thinking about everything.

Eddie groaned as he woke up. Leafy and Bitty were pawing at his legs as he realized where he was. He never left the front entry way and didn’t think about the cats.

“Shit.” He groaned.

He got up, going to feed the cats when Bitty looked up at him and meowed before rubbing up against his leg. Then it all dawned on him.

“SHIT, JOHN!”

He fled his apartment, running outside, seeing maybe the man fell asleep at his apartment complex entry way. He didn’t care if it was early in the morning, He fucked up. He had promised himself over the years that it didn’t matter what happened to John. He wasn’t human so he had to do what the man had to do, and Eddie accepted that when they were dating. Just his own jealousy got in the way. He ran in the opposite direction he walked home in the night before, shouting for John’s name. He didn’t even look in any of the parked cars on the side of the street or alleyways. All he wanted to do was find his old lover and hold him in his arms again and apologize for being a complete dick.

John looked over with restless eyes from his small car seeing Eddie running around seeming to look like he was distressed.He wondered would Eddie really be better off,as he listened to him call his name. It seemed like it from what he said last night but he got out of the car,his eyes burned from crying the whole night but also no sleep. He shut the car door loud enough to let Eddie know to look over. John couldn’t bring himself to look at Eddie.

John leaned on his car,watching the man somberly,hearing the rapid steps from Eddie darting around in frantic search. He’d figured Eddie would be better with someone more normal...after all he said maybe it was better that people like them shouldn’t be together. John had spent all night trying to decide whether he should’ve turned the car around and driven back to camp. He hoped he didn’t choose wrong.

As soon as Eddie heard the car door close, he whipped around seeing the smaller distressed frame of the familiar man. Eddie took off full he speed,as fast as his older body could before flung himself at John, embracing him and swinging him around.

“Thank God you didn’t leave!” Eddie exclaimed in pure joy as he set John down from the spin.

John looked up confused but also trying to hide a blush on his cheeks.

“I know we have a lot to work out, but I am so so sorry for being an ass last night. I had a shitty band practice and so I went to get a few drinks and this one girl kept hitting on me at the bar and then I heard your song on the bus home and I…” Eddie paused himself,pulling the red head in for a hug again. “I’ve missed you so so much..I feel like I’m in Heaven right now seeing you again..” he muttered in a loving tone. Placing a gentle hand on the back of Johns head still holding him.

Eddie was crying tears of joy again. John was alive, John was safe, John was here.

John had frozen shocked by the sudden action,he didn’t know what to say. He felt happier than ever and relieved but still filled with confusion, “I’m sorry..I don’t know what I should say” he muttered in a dry voice,batting his eyes a few times while streams of tears ran down his face. Now in the arms of Eddie tightly burying his face into Eddie's upper shoulder. John's stomach said something for him with a loud growl. He blushed embarrassed and pulled away from the hug to look up at Eddie.

“I missed you Eddie...I should've tried to take you with me” John's pale frail hand wiped a tear falling,from his cheek as he let out a soft shaky breath. His stomach letting out another growl craving food once again.

Eddie just ignored the words for the time being and broke them apart for a quick moment before smooshing their lips together in a super long, 2 year delayed, kiss. It felt good to finally connect this intimately with the person he loved dearly. Suffocating one another in affection,but another growl from John’s stomach snapped them out of it,Eddie snickered as John blushed with embarrassment.

“Come back to my place, I’ll cook something. Plus I’m sure there is someone who’d love to see you right now.” Grabbing John’s hand, Eddie started to drag him in the direction of his house.

When they were reaching his apartment, he forgot to close his door and was afraid the cats got out. He quickly approached the door and looked inside, calling to his two kitty companions. He left John at the door to see if he could still find them.

“Spspspsp” He sounded out and waited. The singer walked in looking around to see Bitty pinning Leafy down who was struggling to move as he wanted to go out the door. “Good kitty! Keeping Leafy inside!” He cooed, getting them treats. “Daddy’s sorry he left in a hurry, I’ll give you extra kibble.” Both cats heard food and started to pour more into their dishes.

“You can come in now.” Eddie called, hearing the footsteps enter his home and close his front door.

Bitty lifted her head up in wonder to see who came inside her home when the kitty smelled an old but familiar smell. “Murrrrp? Merrrrp!” She ditched her food dish and ended up rubbing herself on her old cat dad. She meowed and purred vigorously when John picked her up and started laughing.

“Awww my lil Bits” He held her like a baby and gave her head small kisses “I missed you so much my lil one” he laughed softly and set her down purring loudly as she pranced over to the food bowl “I missed her,Thankyou for taking care of her Eds”

John tiredly sat down on a chair relaxing a bit as Eddie started to cook up breakfast,he looked like he was ready to fall asleep then and there. John was exhausted from his worrying, “your house is really nice,I also like the new cat” he smiled at Eddie from across the table. He fidgeted with his red hair “the girls wanna meet you Eddie..and I can’t stop thinking about it” Johns eyes were closed now,smiling at the thought of his sweet kids “my moms taking care of them right now”

Eddie smiled. “I would love to see them too John…” He got out a couple of plates. “But we need to work out what’s between us. We need to make sure it's really safe for Humans and Abbies to live together and be allowed to love each other. Things have been trying to change for the better between our species, but there’s always that loophole that continues to set everyone back.”

He dished up the food and handed one plate to John who carefully begin to take small bites to ease the food into his stomach. Eddie ate like normal, scratching Leafy’s ear when the kitty decided to beg for his food.

“No, Leaf, go eat your kibble.”

Eddie turned his attention back to John. “So… How have you been, like really been?”

John thought about the question pausing his meal,he normally tried to not think about how he was feeling. “I-...I’m tired,it’s been a rough few years raising the kids...and helping my mom with the rebellion,getting captured then breaking out of a facility.I really lucked out they didn’t find I could have kids,...we aren’t seen as humans in facilities” John gave an awkward laugh attempting to hide his grim recount,before he shoved another bite into his mouth chewing slowly. “It’s been...lonely” John had gotten sick during one of the harsher winters after he had the girls. He let out a deep breath rubbing his burning eyes. “It was actually my mom and the girls who said I should try to come back to see you…I mean I was planning to anyways, but I just wasn’t sure if my mom could watch the kids that long. Or if you’d want to even see me.” John ran his fingers through his petal filled hair,it all stressed him out. “Anyways how've you been…” John didn’t wanna tell Eddie that he longed to continue the dream of having a family with him,getting married and actually carrying the children of Eddie. He knew it would be too much to say,it’d been so long after all. He didn’t wanna rush things too fast and lose him again.

“I’ve been better.” Eddie replied. “Just been working on a new EP with the band. After a few concerts, Greenhouse was a success to my surprise. I guess it resonated with a bunch of people. Some people have called it the ‘Barrier Breaker’, saying it’s what's going to bring the people together.” He shrugged. “But who knows.”

He let out another sigh. “So you’ve mentioned you’ve broken out of a facility. But it’s legal for Humans and Abnormals to live together now. Does this mean you’re a fugitive? Does your Mom know you were taken? What about the girls?” He started spilling questions. But then he stopped.

“Sorry. But if you really are on the run, then we have to figure something out so you’re really free.”

“I was a fugitive,this wasn’t the first time I was in a facility. So when we first met I could technically be considered a fugitive,but after this break out and some political negotiations with the governor. My mother and I with a few others were able to make it legal in this state to live in city’s with regular people.” John took a deep breath trying to not overload Eddie with information. “And now a few other progressive states it’s legal,it’s making its way to the presidential office,so hopefully it’ll be countrywide soon” John had an awkward smile for a moment. “we’re working on the details about Abnormals and Regulars getting married and such” He shrugged and sat back in his chair,”Before we were together,a few years back I did some shit as a teenager that got me put in a facility” clearing his throat he continued “it’s why Quinn blew up when I asked about them taking the babies,but now, I’m not a fugitive,I’m ‘legal’ now”

Eddie felt so relieved, like his heart was mending back together.

“We should talk more but you look like you’re about to pass out. Stay for a few days, rest up and eat. I’m still in the middle of the album so I’ll be in my studio most of the day. If you need to leave…” He looked at John with seriousness, giving a warning in his tone of voice. “Tell me. If you run off again, I won’t be as forgiving.”

He got up, went to take a shower real quick then left for the studio. Eddie was elated that John was back, but he couldn’t forgive him just yet. He needed to mend his broken heart and he knew just how to do it. Eddie dried off and got dressed in pajamas,making his way down the hall. John who’d finished eating and seemed to pass out on Eddies couch.

When he walked into his studio, he got set up, texted his band about what’d happened,then began to strum his guitar. He heard only one song ringing through his head now,the song that had been haunting him for years. He closed his eyes, sliding his finger and plucking the first string, beginning to play Eden.

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jasminevolkan · 4 years ago

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TIME IN A BOTTLE — self paragraph 001,

& character development TASK #5.

warnings: abandonment issues, divorce, abuse/neglect, death and illness, mentions of christmas, food and alcohol, curse words, jasmine having courage?

JANUARY 1ST 2021, 11:27 am.

Wishes of joy, success and health ended the traditional New Year’s brunch at the Volkan’s residence. Usually, the duo would make this celebration last all day long, but Jasmine had other plans. Instead, she put the leftovers in containers and headed for the exit. She kissed her mother on both cheeks and wrapped her in a tight hug. She earned a pat on the back as a notification she was squeezing her mother’s body too tightly. “Don’t want to let you go,” Jasmine whispered those words like an automatic response. “I’m not going anywhere,” Lana would reply.

They were creature of habits, an inseparable pair. They resembled Russian nestling dolls, there was never one without the other. As years went by, Jasmine grew more and more conscious of the inevitable. She was a star following the moon in a dark night sky, but one day the moon would be swallowed in the void and leave the burning dust nothing but an endless pain, deeper than a black hole. She was no stranger to grief, it did not mean she appreciated the experience. They discussed it often, a little too often to Lana’s liking. Her daughter was so fearless, yet she feared everything in her surroundings. She wished she could fly on her own, but she respected Jas’ desire to circle close to the nest.

They were creature of habits, an inseparable pair. They gifted each other the same thing for Christmas — a holiday they celebrated by choice — however they waited for the first day of the year to open them. Chocolate, candles and promises to spend time together in the future. They made plans to build sandcastles together on a rare calm spot of the beach, where Lana claimed there was a palm tree as old as her daughter. They remembered good and bad events that came out of the previous twelve months.

Usually, they would involve unfortunate recipes or complicated art projects that never came to life. More often than not, they would share a knowing look. The worst that came out of anything was Jasmine’s father. His presence (or lack thereof) impacted them on a daily basis, still. It left a whole in their lives, otherwise complete and satisfying. It fed into Jasmine’s insecurities, it encouraged Lana to relive the constant pain she was in while trying to comfort her daughter. Children to grow old in love and affection. No matter how much love Lana provided, it never seemed to be enough for her daughter.

Love and attention were the same thing as food, for Jasmine. She always craved for more and was afraid she would never get enough.

She walked out of her childhood home and crossed the lawn over to her house. Hidden by the mass of leftovers she carried expertly, she did not notice the box that blocked the door until she bumped her foot against it. She tried to scoot around the obstacle, in vain.

The breeze blew stronger, whipping locks of chocolate brown hair on her face. It sent a wave of goosebumps down her spine. She leaned down to open the box, pulling out stuffed animals, birthday cards and other items she remembered seeing in stores but never having the courage to buy it. Expensive paint brushes and other supplies, sets of gold earrings that sparkled under the sun; the list went on. She picked up a pink bunny, it seemed old and resembled one she had in her oldest memories but could never find again.

Jasmine looked up from the objects, the bunny squeezed tightly against her chest. She frowned and looked around, her mother was not on the porch, the other neighbours were probably asleep or gone. Avalon seemed very quiet, almost surreal.

Surreal like the shadow she noticed standing at the corner of the street. Her eyes squinted and blinked, but they seemed to have washed away the familiar silhouette. Somehow, the bunny felt like it radiated a comfortable warmth. She read the message that was left on the box, the handwriting was printed in her memory.

“I love you. I am sorry it took me your whole lifetime to realize it. Signed, “

The end of the message was scribbled in a whirlwind of blue ink. She had to focus really hard to recognize the three letters. Contrary to the presents or the mysterious figure, the word resonated no familiarity.

“Dad.”

FEBRUARY 14TH 2021, 3:02 AM.

Jasmine kept this a secret, the box and the message. She tried to play it cool, like it did not affect her that her father was trying to build the bridge he destroyed when he left for New York City. She hated New York. She hated bridges. She hated him.

No.

She loved him.

She pulled out a pink gel pen from this same pencil case she carried since high school, it had little doodles and messages written at the back from her friends. She ripped a sheet away from her binder that she used for ideas at work. And she improvised. It usually felt so natural for her, to cross boundaries and to do as she pleased. This time, it was painful and almost impossible to do.

“I loved it when you took me for a drive around the island on nights where I couldn’t sleep. I loved it when you brought me to the candy store after forgetting to pick me up from daycare because you were busy. I loved it when you read stories to me during rainy days so I would be quiet and fall asleep. I loved it when you gave me seashells from all of your work trips, even if they looked identical to those on the beaches down the street. I loved it when you took me to the park and pushed me on the swings just long enough before you got a phone call. I loved it when you wrote notes in my lunch boxes on school days, I saved them all in a bottle of bourbon you left on my night stand that one time you came home as the sun was rising.

I loved it when you acted like a father, even if it was just for a split second.

I love receiving magazines and seeing your name on the front page, congratulating you for all the listings you manage to sell. I love staring at the pages of photos and noticing that I look just like you. I love thinking of new ways to improve myself, because that’s what you would have wanted to. I love thinking you might come back here one day and we can make up for all the time we wasted loathing each other. I love thinking one day we might have a family portrait identical to the one you had in your office of your wife and kids. I love thinking that one day you’ll have one of me with them and hang it on your wall at home. I love thinking that one day, I will get to call you Dad.

I forgive you. I forgive you for leaving mom alone with me. I forgive you for hurting me so much I might just never heal. I forgive you for finding your happiness elsewhere. I forgive you for failing as a father. I forgive you for learning how to do better with your other children. I forgive you for leaving the life you never wanted. I forgive you for having dreams that were larger than what we could give you. I forgive you for breaking the promises you told me of this life where we would be a happy family.

I love you,”

The old pen was running out of ink, so she shook it vividly. She did not bother wiping her tears away, not the stain of pink on her hand that was tinting the paper. She added this short word she had blocked out of her memory all this time. It was just a nickname for all, but for her. She remembered the tone of his voice whenever he said this word, it was calm and posed, loving and caring. He said it rarely, but she could still hear it so clearly.

“Jojo.”

FEBRUARY 14TH 2021, 11:58 PM.

She scrunched the sheets of paper into a ball and threw it on the floor, missing the trash can by two feet at least. She then moved to the couch, grabbing her laptop from the coffee table and logged on her email. Her fingers floated above the keyboard until the screen turned darker. She was looking up to the clock on the wall, watching the seconds fly by.

She took a deep breath, hoping it would slow down time. It had the opposite effect, feeding into this adrenaline rush she desperately tried to repress since the beginning of the year.

She loved him. She never stopped, never will. It would not change. Something needed to change, however, and it was her unhealthy habit of being silent when she needed to speak out the most.

TO: Aleksander Volkan ([email protected])

FROM: Jasmine Volkan ([email protected])

SUBJECT: Receipts and birthday cards

Fuck you. <3

Minnie pressed the button, and sent the email. She shut her laptop close and ran to the abandoned paper on the floor. She unfolded it and held against her chest, disappearing into a room in the search for an envelope.

She was too far to hear the immediate sound of a response.

TO: Jasmine

FROM: Aleksander

SUBJECT:

I love you too.

#self paras.#about.#abuse tw #abandonment tw #death tw #food tw #(( 'love letter' it's not even a letter ~ jas never follows rules that's canon ))#(( the sweater/cardigan and now the letter/email? a true REBEL ))#catalina: task #catalina: love letters #tasks.

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thoughtfullyyoungduck · 5 years ago

Text

family meeting

A/N: this was requested by anon, I hope you enjoy! Sorry it took so long, I’ve been sporting a pretty bad migraine for the past couple of days. Let me know what you think!

Summary: Can you do one where Richie has a daughter and Eddie meets her for the first time and she put up a fight to make Eddie think she’s doesn’t like him

Richie’s sudden departure flabbergasted you, more so because he didn’t give you any warning or explanation why, only that it was a friend emergency and that the only option was for him to go. The way his voice cracked down the line when you called him in a panic solidified the fact that something bad occurred. With a promise that you would take care of yourself and a final I love you, he disconnected the call, leaving you in disarray.

After two days he contacted you again, this time to inform you that he was on his way back home, and that he had a certain type of friend with him that he wanted you to meet.

You’ve been aware for a long time that your father is gay, not thanks to Richie himself, but thanks to the fact that you’re not an idiot, the context clues painting a clear enough picture that it’s obvious without him having to utter the actual words. Richie remained quiet at all times about this fact, and so you did as well. Richie refrained from bringing any girlfriend home with him, though you heard about his conquest from gossip tabloids anyway. The overabundance of ‘my girlfriend’ and ‘your mom’ jokes obviously an effort to hide his true self, even from his daughter.

A sneaked glance every once in a while led you to believe that Richie knows you know his secret, but any conversation you attempt to begin about it gets shut down faster than a blink, and so despite hating it, you started to accept that your father may never be ready to reveal every single thing of his being, always locking away that part he feels is most revolting.

That’s why it’s such a surprise that Richie reveals he’s bringing a friend along, for you perceived that the empathizes on the word friend means that said ‘friend’, is perhaps more than Richie would prefer you to understand.

A hushed conversation draws your attention, peering outside your bedroom window to spy on the first person your dad allowed you to meet. You don’t dare to draw up the curtain, to avoid getting spotted, so your view is limited, but you watch as Richie opens the door of the passengers seat, like a real gentleman he never bothered being to previous lovers.

He pauses for two seconds, then bends down to presumably say something, his hand egging the person out like a cat that gets shuffled away, until his hand is slapped and Richie retracts it with a laugh.

Richie’s laugh is loud enough to be picked up on from the second floor, holding his hands up in surrender and making way so that his friend has room to get up himself. The first thing that is noticeable, even with your obstructed vision, is that the man is sporting a scowl, so terribly annoyed and done with Richie’s shit that he is at the point that he apparently doesn’t energize enough to cover up. You can relate, since you are no exception to your dad’s ability to drive people crazy.

Luckily or unlucky depending on your point of view, such a feature is inheritable, and by god do you use it to your advantage.

Richie slides his arm across the lower back of the man, pulling him close enough that they’re taunt against each other. The man pretends to wriggle away, but as soon as Richie loosens his grip he grabs his arm and places it neatly back where it belongs.

The angry frown lines vanish, replaced by a thoughtful look that captivates Richie, and the emotion behind the stare tells you exactly one thing, your dad and the man are absolutely smitten with one another.

Your feet tick loudly on the wooden boards on the floor as you bolster down the stairs in anticipation of your dad coming home.

The door opens and before Richie has the opportunity to greet you, you tug him into an embrace, your hands fisting the fabric of his shirt in an iron grip.

‘Hello pancake, I missed you.’ Richie says, hugging you back equally as fierce.

‘I missed you too’, you admit softly, not yet stepping out of the way and making room for his friend to come in, simply because your sole focus is on your father.

‘Don’t you ever do something like that again old man’, you threaten with a steel voice, ‘or I will shorten your curfew, don’t you try me.’

Richie chuckles, shaking his head solemnly, and lifting one hand in an oath motion, ‘I wholeheartedly swear I will never commit such a hanus crime ever again.’ He promises, a British accent coating his words in his intended way.

‘Holy shit your voices have gotten better.’

‘Told you Eds.’ Richie declares proudly as he turns to face his friend, the both of you stepping aside so his friend can walk in.

The man standing in the hallway beside your father had to be the most uncomfortable person you had ever seen. He shuffles from one leg to the other, filled with a nervous energy and no way to get rid of it.

‘Hey, my name’s Eddie’, he says lumbersome, one of his hand tucked stiffly in his back pocket, the other doing a vague motion of a halfway wave.

You cock an eyebrow up, tilting your head slightly sideways to absorb the smaller man, watching as he looks to Richie for guidance. He’s a lot smaller than your dad is, with him barely reaching his shoulders, but from their interaction outside, you determine that he’s a fire cracker who has no problem pointing out things as they are. You like him already. You must be somehow intimidating though, he’s barely able to hold eye contact with you for over two seconds, and the figure of speech of someone shaking in their boots is no longer only figuratively.

You try hard to keep your smirk hidden at the prank that is forming in your mind, a little messing with someone has never seemed so appealing. Besides, if this man plans to date Richie, he needs to know what he’s getting himself into.

‘Hi’, you draw out, imitating the movement from the man to taunt him a little.

‘Look at you, you look just like your dad’, Eddie tries to strike up a normal conversation, pulling out all the cliches. You vaguely wonder if he spend his time reading through a parenting book on the way here.

‘I resemble a forty year old, single comedian guy? Thanks for the flattery.’ Eddie fake smile slides of his face, producing a gawky chuckle to hide the unease that’s very clearly present.

‘Okay now that’s just cruel Y/N, I am so much more than that. Try handsome, successful and courageous.’

‘Courageous? Dad, eating a rotting hot dog is not courageous but plain stupid.’

The two of you stare off, provoking the other to add another comment, but then Richie knacks the tension by lolling his tongue out, a laughable face resulting in you laughing.

‘Now that I’ve reestablished my roll as funniest in this family, this is Eddie. Eddie Spaghetti is an old friend from Derry.’

He points to Eddie, then slangs his arm around his shoulders, tapping a melody into his shoulder blade and throwing a grand smile his way.

Eddie swirls around to face him, his eyebrows drawing in close and his mouth opening in protest. ‘Don’t fucking call me that dickwad.’

A dark red color spreads across his entire face, peeking a glimpse of you from the corner of his eyes, gauging your reaction. You summon all the willpower you posses to stave off the hearty laugh bubbling up right beneath the surface, maintaining an perfectly poker face.

‘Nice’, you eventually say as it becomes clear that Eddie is flabbergasted at the way he said that right in front of you.

Richie eyes twinkle in amusement, catching up to what your intentions are. ‘I’m craving food, you want some too Eds?’

‘I-I guess I could eat’, Eddie stammers nervously, shutting his mouth with an audible click to stop the anxious word stream threatening to let loose.

‘I’ll get some food, Y/N can show you around okay?’

Richie begins his journey to the kitchen, and Eddie, only now realizing that would mean he’s left alone with you, attempts to grab Richie’s sleeve. He misses by an inch, and he dejectedly drops It back down and whips his clammy hands on his jeans.

You smile slightly devious, the fact that Eddie throws his all in getting you to like him is pretty entertaining.

‘So childhood friends huh?’ You inquire, leaving the task of getting to know the house up to Richie. You doubt Eddie would appreciate you showing him around the house while interrogation him, at least if Richie leads him around they have an opportunity to create new memories.

‘Yeah’, Eddie response, not elaborating further on the topic.

‘You guys weren’t very close then, he never once mentioned you, and you guys didn’t keep in touch in either?’

‘No we were best friends as kids’, Eddie defends tempestuous, though he bites his tongue and urges to hit himself over the head because of his stupid admission. He comes up blank with explanations why they forgot about each other, and there was no way in hell that he elucidates the Pennywise situation.

Thinking back to old days during which Richie and him rode their bikes in a race, or running to the edge of town to locate the beginning or end of a rainbow in hopes of finding a pot of gold triggers a protective side in him, and Eddie sets his heart out to convince you how much he appreciates all those short moments that meant nothing to them back then.

‘Richie bought me a slushie once, than after we finished it he proceeded to turn us around on a UFO ‘till we both threw up. Before we left that day he got another one anyway. The heaten deprived of self-preservation even then.’

You give him a pass and decide to forgo the subject, smiling with crinkled eyes, the first genuine one you grant him since he arrived, because that does remind you a lot of your dad.

Eddie perks up, his back straightening and allowing his hands that cramped up by his side to relax in retaliation.

‘On to the real though questions, what do you do for a living? Are you planning to sleepover a lot? Are you accepting of all his quirks.’ You fire off rapidly, acting like a parent interrogating the first partner they bring home, which may or may not be payback to the time where Richie humiliated you in front of your classmates at prom.

Eddie blanches, reforming his scattered brain and considering what questions to answer first. You add one more for the hell of it; ‘How did my dad and you reconnect?’

It’s confusing, the duality between angst and pensiveness that strikes Eddie’s face, making you wonder what the story behind all of this is.

‘Y/N, get your ass over here and help me please’, Richie calls out from the kitchen, so out of nowhere it spooks you.

You sneak a peek at Eddie, then the door frame, and wondering if you said something wrong and if you should leave Eddie alone in this state. Another yell of your name decides for you, darting out of the room and hurrying beside Richie, halfway done with peeling an orange.

‘What the hell are you doing?’ You snort, unimpressed with the obvious attempt to appear healthier than he really is.

Richie gazes up in surprise as if he didn’t call to you, but then he shrugs. ‘Eds obsessed with these, so I’m giving it a go.

‘An orange? It’s a fruit dad and not even an exotic one. Lying isn’t a good feature, I know you zeal for it as well.‘

‘Okay little miss, hid the attitude and help your old man. I aided you in changing diapers and stuff, now it’s your turn to step up.’ A squirt of orange juice trickles from the side of the tabletop, staining your dad’s shirt and leaving a spot you’re sure is not going to wash out.

Refusing to acknowledge his stupid claims, you were a baby for god sakes, you snatch another orange and strip it from it’s shell, demonstrating to your dad how it’s done without massacring the fruit.

‘Thanks, I knew there was a reason I had you. Also lay of Eds a bit, the lasted for ages and you’re scary if you set your mind to it.’, Richie expresses his gratitude by planting a kiss on your your temple leaving residue of the orange he apparently wielded with his mouth behind.

You wipe at it with the bottom of your sleeve excessively, removing as much as you can.

‘Like you don’t find it funny to mess with him.’

‘Fair,’ Richie admits’, you coming?’ He asks right before he leaves the room, holding the door open and clutching the orange and a few napkins in the remaining hand.

‘I’m going to grab my own fruit and I’ll be right there. Oh and dad?’ Richie nods, listening intently to you.

‘I love you no mater what. There’s nothing you can say, do,’ you pause to let the words really sink in, ‘or be that change that. My love for you in unwavering.’

His eyes turn wet, and he stares far off-ish taking in your words, sniffling and then swallowing past the lump in his throat.

‘Thank you’, he remarks, letting the door pound shut as he shuffles Eddie’s way.

Smiling to yourself, you pause and count to five in your head, persuading yourself that you should not snoop on your dad and his potential boyfriend, but the curiosity wins over. You stagger to the door, unlatching it from the lock, and generating a peep whole that allows you to eavesdrop.

‘Really Richie? What about a plate or something to eat this on? All the juice is going to spill on the floor and it will be disgusting and dirty and you’ll have to clean it up.

‘Relax Eds, it’s no big deal. Just be careful and I’m sure you can avoid sloshing.’

‘Oh yeah?’ Eddie challenges, ‘so you didn’t obtain that speck be peeling it?’

Richie must be debating if it’s worth it to lie or not, and concludes that lying to Eddie is never a good idea. He sighs exaggerated and stomps his feet like a petulant child.

‘Fine your majesty Spagheds, you’re lucky I love you.’

‘Don’t fucking call me that Rich.’

Instead of moving away from the door, you freeze, the words your dad uttered repeating themselves in your head. Never in a million years did you think the day was going to go like this, with your dad proclaiming adoration to a guy he forgot to hint at to you, but you’re weirdly okay with it.

Richie laughed more now then ever with someone other than you, and if Eddie pitched in Richie’s happiness, you accept him already.

The entryway unrolls, you jumping away in the nick of time before hitting you full in the face. You stare up at Richie sheepishly, twinkling at him with innocent eyes.

‘Snooping much, buttercup?’

‘I learned from the best.’

You walk back with him to the living room Eddie sits in and watch as your father hands over the plate. He’s leaning against the backrest and showing sings of tranquility, but when he notices you his posture goes rigid, nervously balling his hands up by his sights.

You snicker, deciding to put the poor man out of his misery and finally welcome him into your home.

‘Do you hate his stupid nicknames as much as I do?’ You ask him, finding common ground to strike up a conversation.

‘Yeah they’re the worst.’ Eddie admits, decomposing at the turn of events.

‘Eum I’m seated right here. Is this how it’s always gonna be? You two ganging up on me?’ Richie whines.

Peering Eddie’s way, the both of you nod excitedly.

‘Yeah it is.’

#x reader #richie tozier imagine #eddie kaspbrack #eddie imagine #reddie imagine #reddie x daughter #daughter reader #richie x reader #eddie x reader #richie as a dad #eddie as a dad #My writing

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aestheticseungmean · 4 years ago

Text

Midnight Academy- Yeosang

You were born with magic, and because of that, you went to Midnight Academy. Yeosang caught your eye the first time you met him.

Magic Au, loosely based off of Harry Potter.

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Life as someone with magical powers can be fun if you knew how to use them. The wrong wrist motion could injure someone and the wrong pronunciation could turn someone into a frog and not a cat. Risks are a casual thing in the world of magic. There are many types of magic that each child will learn in Midnight Academy. It was a simple and quaint little school that was restored regularly. Not a crack lay in the foundation nor a chip of paint peeling from the wall at the start of the year. Throughout the year, typically, newer students blow up potions and cause the loaned rats to explode. Nasty business that is. The poor caretaker has to scrape the bits off the wall before scrubbing it clean.

You could see why he hated new students and trouble makers, they made his job impossible sometimes. If students were bad, their punishments consist of helping Mr.Darty with his job. Mr.Darty was an older elf gentleman with balding grey hair. More often than not, he was cranky as most of the staff were. He was always found accompanied by his favorite Sphynx cat, Chabiel. The two were inseparable as if the cat was his life support. Mr. Darty was not the only teacher who seemed to have an animal attached to them. Although he was by far, the one with the ugliest. Often, you’d see a mixture of miniature dragons, owls, cats, dogs, and even an occasional Harpy Eagle or Peregrine Falcon. They typically roamed the halls to deliver notes and packages to and fro their owners that the mailroom was too lazy to deliver or be bothered.

This year was a special one. It’s your first year at the Midnight Academy. Time to get away from the non-magical creatures. Muggles as they are called. You loathe your brothers whom you live with. Silence is scarce in that household and luckily, you were the only one who had inherited your mom’s recessive trait of witchcraft. She herself had not had any magic rather, she made up for it by being a very successful business tycoon. Often, you helped her manage some of her gaming companies and you tested them too. Hex Gaming Co. was the creator of some of the world’s most famous games such as Utopia, Weapons of Deception, Deception 2, Undying, and more. All of which were some magical role-playing game that was super addicting and had kids playing it everywhere. If you ever told anyone who your mom was then instant fame. Your dad, on the other hand, was not as famous but he was still a famous musician.

Aside from your brothers, the only person to know about your wealth and parents’ true jobs was your best friend, San. He had inherited magic but he’s also part incubus. You met him when he appeared on your block five summers ago. Fourteen was your current age now and you guys practically live with each other and do everything together. When most people hear that San is part incubus, they stay away because they are afraid of having their dreams visited. But what people didn’t stay to find out that San didn’t find the need to go into people’s dreams. Besides, he only found you slightly attractive, everyone else wasn’t even on the radar. Deep down you know that he might be bi but he will not let you have the satisfaction of being right.

————————————————————————

𝗬𝗲𝗮𝗿 𝗢𝗻𝗲

San and you entered into the school that is more intimidating the closer you get. The seeming mile-high doorway made you feel small enough already. All the new students were being crowded together to get handed their classes and dorms they were going to stay in. Of course, you will miss your brothers but you got San! You’d prefer that any day. “I hope we get the same dorms. I don’t think I’d be able to live without you.” “Me too, San. Me too.” To say that you weren’t scared for your life was an understatement. Anymore worrying and you’d be dead. Finally, your turn came around to get your scroll. The teacher administering them was undeniably short and part goblin. He had a snaggle tooth that stuck out of the bottom of his mouth and long Yoda like ears that stuck out of his head. Little hairs covered the face, they were minuscule but visible.

“Name.” The voice was gravely and harsh but you still gave him your name. “Here you go.” You took the parchment with shaky hands. San waited for you at the door. “I got Sapphire dorm!” As soon as your face fell, so did his. “I got Emerald dorm.” Emerald dorm has the reputation of some really mean and uptight people. They are usually the richest ones. “No escaping from my money now.” You groaned out. San placed a quick kiss to your cheek. “You got this.” He ignored the stares but you didn’t. Blood rushed towards your cheeks. A slender figure appeared in front of you. You recognized it as the teacher most often seen by the headmaster. Her voice was strong and dominant, perfect for teaching. She was aged like the expensive cheese your mom was forced to eat at business meetings. “ATTENTION! You are to go in and find the table corresponding with the dorm name you got. The headmaster will address you soon.” As you walked in, hand in hand with San, you were taken aback by the busy chatter. Almost immediately, you were pulled away from San and torn to the table decorated in different hues of green.

You know nobody so where to sit was nerve-wracking for you. “You can sit by me.” A hand waved in the air and you saw a boy giving you a cute smile. “Me?” He could be talking to anyone so you wanted to make sure. “Yeah! I’m new too.” With nowhere better to sit, you sat down next to the blond boy. “Hi! I’m Wooyoung and I hope we can be friends!” “I’m ________.” You smiled at him. A voice sounded through the room getting everyone’s attention. “Students. Most of you are coming back from a great year last year and I wish you a welcome. For the new students coming here this year, we all give you a warm welcome and wish you well in the following days to come. Make good friends, learn new things, and most importantly, do great things. I hope that I do not need to interfere with any problems as our teachers will deal with it accordingly. Just know, we will be paying attention.” Wooyoung and you shared a nervous look.

“For now, we feast!” Little fairies delivered the food to the table. Immediately, you recognized them as brownies. They are house fairies that live to clean as love dishes of cream. You loved the brownie that resides at your grandparents’ house. His name was Hayelam and he was the nicest creature you had ever met. At night when everyone was supposed to be asleep, you’d sneak out and leave a bowl of warm cream on the counter. It was a ritual and you couldn’t go to sleep without doing it. Maybe you could sneak some for them. Without thinking, you grabbed some cream. “Are you going to make whipped cream for this delicious pecan pie?” Wooyoung asked, causing you to look at him. “Ah no, habit. I’m going to heat it up somehow for the brownies.” “Brownies? Where?” You giggled at Wooyoung looking for actual brownies. “The house-elves silly. They love warm cream.”

Taking out your wand, you attempted to do a simple heat spell but it didn’t work. Neither did the next six tries. “Let me try.” How would he be able to do it? You watched in amazement as the metal bowl in his hands turned a soft red causing the cream to simmer a little. “Woah!” The cream was still hot when he set it down onto the table. “I’m a descendent of a fire fairy.” “I guess you could say that you’re hot.” Normally, San would give you a dirty look for your puns but Wooyoung loved it. Although he was laughing, he was dying inside from embarrassment. “Let’s dig in!” You exclaimed, grabbing a turkey leg and taking a bite. San laughed at you from afar glad that you found someone to talk to. Don’t forget about me. Get out of my head, San. Looking up, you caught him pouting but after you gave him a smile, he cheered up.

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“Mr.Song, would you be so kind as to answer this question on the board?” Your red-haired classmate stayed visibly slumped in his seat. He wasn’t the only one confused, you watched as Wooyoung got confused as well. Discreetly, you waved your wand and watched as the answer appeared on your seatmate’s notebook. Thank god that he saw it appear and reworded it. “In a sense, if you added blisterwort instead of chorus eggs then you would essentially get a toxic hair remover. Extremely dangerous if taken in as it acts as a poison as well. The victim would be dead within minutes.” “Very good, Mingi.” The teacher turned and continued on with her endless lecture. “Thank you,” Mingi whispered. “You’re welcome!” Your hushed voices caught the teacher’s attention and she was now standing in front of you. “What are you saying you’re welcome for?” Once again, Mingi froze up, you, on the other hand, were used to this pressure.

Thinking quickly of a lie, you responded calmly. “My seatmate asked me to help him with the things he doesn’t understand.” “Hmmm, all right. No more talking in my class.” The bell rang and the hallway became overfilled. “Wait up!” A hand on your shoulder made you jump. You turned and saw Mingi. He was taller than you thought, around 6’0. “Can you actually tutor me in alchemy?” “Sure. The defense room is empty around six.” He smiled and nodded. A different, smaller hand appeared on your shoulder except for this time, you recognized this hand. “San!” You were quick to hug him tight. “We have the next class together so I wanted to see if you wanted to walk with me and meet my new friend.” Playfully, you pinched him and pouted. “You’ve already replaced me?” “YOU REPLACED ME FIRST,” he whined. Mingi, who was still there, cleared his throat. “Oh yeah, San, this is Mingi, my classmate and friend. Mingi, this is San, my bestest friend in the entire world.

“What about me? I thought I was your bestest friend in the entire world and he was your BFF.” You giggled as you watched Wooyoung walk up still whining and complaining about your rejection. “Woo, of course, I love you. You two are my bestest friends in the whole wide world.” Once you introduced the two, Mingi went on his way while you, San, Wooyoung, and San’s friend whom you later learned was named Seonghwa, walked towards class. You watched as San waved bye to his newfound friend before walking into class with him and Wooyoung. In the middle of class, you watched as a 2nd-year student came in to get the teacher to break up a fight. “MR.OIEK! YEOSANG AND TJUM ARE FIGHTING RIGHT NOW.” “Lead the way, Hongjoong.” The class rushed towards the windows where there was a clear view of the courtyard.

Unfortunately, you got pushed out of the door during the madness and fell right into one of the boys. For a moment, the boys stopped and stared at you which let the teacher neutralize them. “Why are you out here Miss.____?” “I-I got pushed. Sorry, sir.” You hung your head in shame, not wanting to look into his intimidating eyes. Ignoring the pain in your wrist or the odd warm feeling on your lip, you stood up. “Yeosang, I trust that as a 2nd year you can show her to the nurse’s office.” “Yes sir.” When you started to protest, the boy gave you a look, the one your brothers gave you when you should shut up. Sighing, both of you started trekking towards the nurse’s office well aware of the fact that you’ll be missing the next class too. With Yeosang leading the way, you couldn’t help but take in his figure from behind.

“Right in here.” “I’m fine, I really don’t know why you are taking me to the nurse.” The look on Yeosang’s face made you question if you were losing your mind. “You are bleeding from a cut on your face and your wrist is sprained.” If that wasn’t convincing enough, the nurse told you the same thing. There wasn’t much she could do quickly so she gave you a concoction of herbs to help heal you. “Wait here for a few minutes so it can start working.” You nodded and watched as the old woman sauntered away, mahogany robes swishing with each step. As soon as the door shut, you turned to Yeosang who was forced to stay with you. He was entranced by something outside of the window, a bird perhaps. His features were vague but what stood out to you was a birthmark adorning his left eye. Your gaze traveled down his body, crossing over his arms and his black robe with a sapphire blue trim and down further. Underneath the undone robe, you caught sight of the pressed button-up with the top two undone showing the perfect amount of collarbone.

His gaze flickered towards you and you looked at your feet, avoiding the blush of the fact that he caught you when you were checking him out. “I saw that, you just checked me out.” A meek sorry was all that you could manage, your face ten times redder now that he called you out. Luck was on your side, the nurse returned and assessed the healing. She warned you not to strain your wrist too much until tomorrow. You agreed and followed Yeosang back to where lunch was being held. All through lunch, you couldn’t take your eyes off of the older boy and you completely ignored what Wooyoung was saying. It wasn’t until Yeosang caught your eye that you looked away, nodding to whatever Wooyoung was saying. You still threw him glances and at one point, you swore you saw him smile. Or smirk. Either way, you finally focused on Wooyoung and whatever he was saying.

Lunch ended and it was time for the next lesson. Fighting. For some reason, the school decided to do second years and first years together, something about the experience. The teacher, short and balding, partnering you up with a short boy, definitely a second year, about two inches taller. His casual laid back posture made him look superior despite the fact that you won every sparing round. “Petrificus Totalus!” You flicked your wand before he could blink and once again, he found himself bound, unable to move. “Very good work, Miss._____!” The boy, whom you later learned was named Hongjoong, congratulated you on doing well while pouting. You thought it was absolutely cute. The bell rang and you stayed behind. There was still a few hours before dinner and Mingi was supposed to meet you. A tall figure emerged behind you and then another.

“I hope you don’t mind, I brought a friend.” “Do they need tutoring too?” Mingi shook his head. “Great work at fighting today, Hongjoong couldn’t even raise his wand.” Mingi’s friend, who was as tall as him if not taller, sported black robes with an emerald green trim. Same as yours and you can’t fathom how you missed someone as tall as him roaming around the dorm. “I’m Yunho by the way.” His cute smile gave you puppy vibes and you forced the instinct to cuddle him away. Mingi introduced you quickly to move on through to alchemy. You couldn’t help but giggle when his potion failed and he screamed at it. “I DID YOU RIGHT! YOU JUST DON'T LIKE ME, DO YOU?” Eventually, you found yourself rolling on the floor laughing when Yunho had put a silencing hex on Mingi. Mingi continued to scream but nothing came out. “You only get your voice returned when you get a kiss on the cheek.” Mingi sheepishly looked at you and leaned closer. “Yunho…” He laughed and ended the hex. Mingi was taken aback at first but ultimately ended up laughing along. Maybe this year wouldn’t be so bad after all.

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Year two

Grey clouds rolled overhead signaling the start of another gloomy season. You, San, Wooyoung, Seonghwa, Mingi, Yunho, and Hongjoong trudged towards the train car that was to take you back to the academy. Surprisingly enough, you realized that the boys didn’t live that far from you. As summer rolled along, you and the six boys grew closer and of course, your brothers liked them too. Yeosang, you found, should’ve been in the emerald dorm but something got screwed up in the housing situation. The rumor got around that he was being switched back to the correct dorm though only time will tell. Although, it would be quite awkward. The seven of you were confused to find someone in your car already. A boy of a stronger build and brown hair sat by the window staring out of it. “Hello?” His head snapped towards you. “I’m sorry, am I in your area?” He was new, you could feel it, the newbie energy radiating off of him. You knew the others could too. “It’s okay! You can sit with us. I mean you’re new aren’t you?” Gosh, you love how kind Wooyoung is. He’s so sweet, you are surprised you don’t have a cavity. “Y-Yeah.” As you all settled in, the boy introduced himself as Jongho.

We introduced ourselves and soon got lost in laughter and conversation. “Did you see the new Deception: End Of Time game is coming out tomorrow?” Wooyoung asked. An abundance of yeahs and can’t waits filled the car in agreement. “You’ll love it. I did.” The boys looked at you in confusion. San laughed and nudged you. These people didn’t know you were one of the testers of the game let alone the daughter of the creator. “My mom runs that company and created those games. I test them out.” “You have to convince her to let us test some out too.” You giggled at Jongho’s enthusiasm. “Maybe during spring break. I know mom is working on a big game.” They cheered quietly. San a little more considering he’s done it before and knows the excitement of giving suggestions. It was also a bonus when the character he creates in the test is a character that gets added to the game and is already situated to his stats.

The ride to the school felt short. Jongho proved to be a perfect fit for your friend group. He sank back at the intensity of the school but you and your friends ushered him forwards. “Don’t worry! You’re only alone until they give you a dorm and there is at least one of us in each dorm.” The first year smiled and watched as you guys sat at your respected tables. It wasn’t that long of a wait considering his surname was a C. He quickly found that he got ruby dorm. It turns out for you that Yeosang and Yunho got mixed up therefore Yunho was with San and Yeosang got transferred into his rightful dorm. The headmaster made his welcoming speech before launching into an apology. “I’d like to wish a formal apology towards two-third years. I humbly ask for you to see this as a way to make new friends.”

You glanced over at Yeosang getting surrounded by a bunch of people welcoming him into the emerald dorm. His face looked panicked, clear that he was not used to all this attention. Wooyoung seemed to notice it too and felt for his hyung. “Yeosang, hyung! You can sit with us if you want.” He looked at the two of you, happy, ecstatic to see two faces he knew. A year ago, if someone would’ve told you that you’d be sitting with Kang Yeosang, you’d have laughed in their face. But here you are now, sitting face to face with the boy. His eyes met yours and you fell into a trance. “Earth to ______!” “Sorry, what were you saying?” Wooyoung repeated his words once again, not even bothered that you had zoned out once more. The bell rang and you jumped up, ready to head to the dorms, forgetting the tradition you and Wooyoung did every day last year. “Are we not going to heat up some cream for the brownies?” You turned and nodded sheepishly while grabbing a bowl of cream someone had left. Yeosang watched in amazement as Wooyoung's hands caused the liquid to bubble.

The following weeks of school consisted of review and having awkward run-ins with Yeosang. It wasn’t until your professor introduced teleportation to you that things got started. All second years had to learn how to use their magic and teleport from one place to another. And with most people, you initially aren’t the greatest when you start to learn something. For the next few days, you’ve practiced and practiced, only teleporting to the common room and back to your room. Unfortunately, the following day, you were going to be tested on your skills, and frankly, you could barely even make it out of your bedroom. This is how you found yourself at two in the morning on the roof of the mailroom trying to teleport from one end to the other.

You closed your eyes and imagined the other side and muttered some hopeful words that this would actually work. A quiet pop sounded and you opened your eyes to complete darkness. Trying to find your way out of wherever you were, you blindly walked around only stopping when you hit your ankle on something metal. The surface you fell on was a mix between hard and soft. A pained groan emitted from behind you causing you to let out a few choice words. In the midst of the rant, a light turned on and you caught Yeosang’s brown eyes boring into yours. “Well, this is most definitely not where I wanted to teleport, sorry for appearing in your bed at 2 in the morning.” The words lingered in the air and neither one of you moved. Maybe you should just give up and fail the test.

A sigh left Yeosang’s lips and he grabbed his wand. You watched curiously as he stood up and took a place beside you. “Hold my hand.” “H-Hold your what?” His hand grabbed yours and you felt the familiar swirly feeling that you got when you teleported. A cold breeze brushed your cheeks and you shivered realizing that you were back outside. “Why did you bring me here?” This was the first time, you actually went into the gym despite this being your second year. “I’ve been hearing from Wooyoung that you have a test tomorrow and I…I wanted to help you learn to teleport.” You wanted to hold Yeosang and treasure him forever but that would be quite awkward. “Okay then. What are we waiting for?”

Turns out that either you’re a great teleporter or Yeosang is a great teacher. You opted for Yeosang though because without him, you would’ve failed. In fact, you actually aced your test. The first one since the best friend test that you did with San in first grade. When the students were to return to the dorm, you waited excitedly with the little slip of paper in your hand. For the first time, Yeosang was late back to the dorm. He found you asleep on the couch beside Wooyoung who was doing his homework. “Hey, hyung!” “Hi, Wooyoung. Why is she asleep?” He asked, pointing to your form. “She wanted to show you that she aced her test and she waited and waited for you. I came out to keep her company but she fell asleep.” Yeosang carried you to your room and tucked you into your bed. He left a note with one of the post-its that he found on your desk along with your unfinished homework. He’ll apologize tomorrow for leaving you waiting for so long.

The knock on your door woke you up. When you opened your eyes, you saw the sunlight peeping in through the cloudy windows. “Rise and shine, angel. It’s almost time for class.” Shoot. Class. You rushed to get dressed only stopping momentarily to read the note attached to your now finished homework. ‘I’m sorry I kept you waiting, I had some things I had to do. Meet me on the rooftop tonight at midnight so we can celebrate your success. -Yeosang’ You shoved the paper and the note in your bag before running out to the common room. “Come on Woo! We’re going to be late for class.” You two rushed to the Alchemy classroom and took your assigned seats. A smile formed on your face as you saw your seatmate had already made it there. “Good morning, Sannie!” “Morning, Sunshine.” He smiled at your chirpiness and returned his attention to the homework he was rushing to finish.

The day buzzed by and midnight arrived quickly. Quietly, you teleported to the roof and saw Yeosang already sitting on the edge. “Such a pretty moon, isn’t it?” His question caught you off guard. Had he heard you arriving. “Yes, I suppose so.” “So I heard you aced your test for the first time. Glad I could help.” You took a seat next to him and sighed, watching your breath form a cloud in the chilly air. “Thank you. I can’t tell you how much you’ve helped me.” “I want to make a deal. For each test you ace, I’ll tell you something about me.” Yeosang is a mysterious person and plus you had so many questions about him. Why is he in the Emerald dorm? Favourite food? Cats or dogs? Why go to the academy? Why teach you? “For your first test, I’ll tell you what everyone wants to know. How am I in the ‘rich’ people dorm?”

He told you how his dad was a very famous doctor and his mother was a famous chef. His deal made you ace all your tests-with help from him of course- for the rest of the school year. By the time summer rolled around, you practically knew his entire life story, like how he loves the colors red and black or how much he treasures his drones. You knew that he vents by riding a skate board and he loves to play your mom’s videogames. His reaction was just like the other’s when you told him who your mom was. Yeosang demanded -more like pleaded but he won’t admit that- to meet your mom and praise her for her games. When you introduced him to the guys, they all welcomed him with open arms aside from Hongjoong and Seonghwa who were previously friends with him already.

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You walked around blindly, only stopping when you hit your ankle on something metal. The surface you fell on was a mix between hard and soft. A pained groan emitted from behind you causing you to let out a few choice words. In the midst of the rant, a light turned on and you caught Yeosang’s brown eyes boring into yours. “Well, this is most definitely not where I wanted to teleport, sorry for appearing in your bed at 2 in the morning.” The words lingered in the air and neither one of you moved. Maybe you should just give up and fail the test.

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𝙔𝙚𝙖𝙧 𝙏𝙝𝙧𝙚𝙚

Everything was the same as last summer except this time, Yeosang was involved. The same playful banters and video games nights proceeded as normal. The adventures and park dates continued. To them, Yeosang was just another family member, not an outsider. Everything was the same down to a T. The ten of you gathered on the train once again to head to yet another year at the academy. For you, it was the third year of your life but for the older three, it was the beginning of their last year at the academy. Four years is the total amount of schooling needed to be deemed okay enough to use magic on the streets. Although, some students head onto university to further their magic education or regular education depending on who you ask. If you asked your mom, she’d say something along the lines of it’s not her place but four years is way too short.

The dorm rooms were the same as usual, clean and tiny. It almost feels like home. You sighed and sat your bags on the bed and headed to the common room to spend some time with Wooyoung. When you got downstairs, he was sitting there staring at the fire. “Hey, Woo! Long time no see.” You joked around. He smiled and tackled you in a hug. “You saw me thirty minutes ago but it does feel like forever.” He squeezed you extra tight before letting go and returning to his original seat. He patted the seat indicating that he wanted you to sit so you did. The seat was slightly warmed by the heat of the fire. It was cozy and swallowed you into the cushion. “Wooyoung?” He hummed and turned his head towards, signaling that you had his attention. “What’s going to happen to the friend group now? I mean it’s Hongjoong, Seonghwa, Yunho and Yeosang’s last year. Next year Mingi, San, you and I are graduating. And, Jongho will be last. I’m scared, Woo. I don’t want to lose us.”

His eyes softened and he ran his fingers through his hair which showcased his sad eyes. It was evident, he didn’t want to lose you and the guys either. Unbeknownst to you, from the staircase, Yeosang was heartbroken and his eyes threatening to spill tears. Before he came to this school, he was a nobody. A quiet kid who was good at school and had anxiety. He couldn’t make friends, it was impossible. Yeosang couldn’t stop embarrassing himself in front of his classmates. He had told you all this already after you aced your transformation test at the very end of the year. Your words on that night will forever play in his head as a way of remembering that he could make friends who loved him. “Yeosang-ah. I want you to know that if you ever need a friend, just call me and I’ll be there.” No way could he let you guys go. Back in reality, you cried silently into Wooyoung’s sweater. Yeosang had to control his own emotions before helping you, besides, Wooyoung looked like he was doing a good job.

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You hated Yeosang. You hated that he had you putty in his hands but was completely oblivious to it. Either you were going to confess or you were going to die. Those are your only two options until you told San and he suggested using a love potion. It seemed like a good idea at first but it soon became a fiasco. Neither one of you knew how to make a love potion, that was advanced stuff. Something Yunho would know. This is how you found yourself in the kitchen baking a ‘Love Cupcake” as the boys called it. “I don’t know if I’d be scared or honoured if a girl slipped me a love potion.” San pondered out loud to no one in particular. “I’d be scared.” “Yunho, you aren’t helping my mind.” He smiled and let out a quick ah as if he was going to say something. “This is the perfect thing for Yeosang. I’m tired of seeing you go for an oblivious idiot.”

The cupcake turned out messy and San ended up wearing more than half the icing due to a wrong cut to the tip of the bag. But all in all, you were pretty impressed with the look of the sweet pastry. The yellow cake topped with the light red icing was placed on a paper plate. You carefully held it and met up with the rest of the boys in the courtyard. “Yeosang! I have this for you. As a thank you.” Yeosang grabbed the cupcake and took a bite. He hummed in delight and watched you throw away the plate. “This is delicious. Thank you.” According to Yunho, once the item containing the potion is consumed, it will take up to twenty-four hours for it to set in. You mustered up the most innocent smile you could form. Now, you wait.

𝑇ℎ𝑟𝑒𝑒 𝑑𝑎𝑦𝑠 passed and Yeosang was still acting the same as usual. No compliments, no flirting, no heart eyes. Maybe the potion was incorrect. Not possible, Yunho aced that class. Maybe, it didn’t work. It doesn’t hurt to ask the ‘Potion Master’ if something went wrong. “Three days passed and he’s still acting the same. Is it possible that it failed?” “No way. I’ve seen this work before. There’s no chance for it to go wrong.” Now you were forced to confess. Well, eventually. You turned to go back to your dorm to vent to your diary. “Hey, _____!” That smooth, deep voice set you off. You turned towards Yeosang and stomped up to him. “You-“ you forcefully poked him in the chest. “I slipped you a love potion but what the hell? You’re not even acting different.” You threw your hands up in the air in defeat at his confused look.

“Maybe, if you used your brain, you would’ve noticed a lot sooner that I like you.” Yeosang towered over you and watched as you stood in place dumbfounded. “Close your mouth princess, you’ll catch bugs.” “Y-You like me? Like, like like?” At this point, Yeosang was fed up with your obliviousness as hypocritical as it seems. “If it weren’t against the rules, I’d kiss you.” “Screw the rules!” The boys were cheering as you and Yeosang snuck a quick kiss. “Meet me on the roof tonight for our first date.” A smile appeared on your face and suddenly, you couldn’t wait for midnight to roll around. As excited you were for the night, it seems like mother time had other plans. The seconds seemed to pass by slow, almost as if each tick was an hour itself. Finally, midnight rolled around and you teleported to the roof to find Yeosang sitting on a blanket surrounded by a bunch of food. What a perfect first date for you.

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vanaera · 5 years ago

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The Constellations of the Big and Small Spoons

[Moodboard created by the amazing @jhspetitegf] Synopsis | You’re sick and your roommate’s gone for her hometown for the next days so your bestfriend, Jeon Jungkook (who loves you cares so, so much), plays nurse for the entire night. What he did not expect is to find himself also burning hot–moreover on your bed with your body intertwined with his. (OR: you and Jungkook’s single brain cells try to make sense of the night except Jungkook has his heart-shaped and yours, well, is just plain weird…or not? ) Characters | Jungkook x reader (Football player!jjk x writer + childhood friend!you; college!au + bestfriends to lovers! tho more like idiots to lovers) Genre | So much FLUFF (welcome to the TPAHR Universe) Wordcount | 3.3k A/N | Sorry for my inactivity guys, uni’s been a little too hard on me lately :(((( Anyway, here’s something I made as a gift for all my hons who patiently waited for another installment of this drabble series. Have fun reading and Happy Jungkook Day!

Read more of football!jk drabbles in The Prince and His Rose

The inky skies of the midnight haze are already sweeping across the room and yet, Jeon Jungkook feels the sun, even in its absence, is cursing him to the depths of hell. Scorching heat laps at his back, making him sweat even when the AC is blasting frigid air to his toes. A beaming glow, hot like the blinding afternoon daylight, seems to seep between his lashes, keeping his eyes excruciatingly wide open in the wake of the night. In this ungodly hour, such beam of light is non-existent, but Jungkook still feels it and he can’t do anything about it.

“You’re still a…awake, Kook?”

Jeon Jungkook can’t do anything about this heat when its very source is lying next to him–too close to him. Your legs are wound around his, your arms looped around the dip of his waist, and your breath fans against his nape, he could practically feel his baby hairs rising in succession.

However, at your question, the only thought taking up every space in his mind is the question: What does he do now? Does he answer you? Should he pretend to be asleep? Or, do he–

“A-am I being too clingy? S-sorry…” Jungkook feels you withdraw your arms and he panics. He immediately turns on his side, not caring about the sheets of your bed uncomfortably tangling around his legs. Jungkook’s hand shoots from his side, wrapping around your wrist that you have retreated back to your chest. He sees the surprise written on your face and he instantly unclasps his hand, keeping them crossed across his chest, just like your current position.

“N-no! You’re not clingy…I just,” Jungkook sighs and decides to let honesty play his cards. “I suddenly felt…weird.”

You look at him, eyes peering into him and he gulps. But before he can explain himself, you have already opened your mouth and asked, “Wh-why? Is it because of me? I-I’m sorry…”

Jungkook bites his lip as his heartbeat start to thunder loud and clear behind his ears, an imminent sign the songs in his chest are about to play anytime soon. He stares at you, drinking in your bleary eyes and furrowed forehead. If he’s gonna be honest now, everything about his current position is indeed all because of you.

***

It started with you overworking yourself again into the first month of the semester and Jungkook only knew about this when your common friend, Park Jimin, texted him you’re absent in the communication class you share with him. And Jungkook knows you care too much about your academic standing, with your scholarship and all, to tick off at least one of your course’s permitted leaves.

“It’s not that bad,” you told him once you woke up and saw his worry-streaked face, his form crouching next to your bedside, but Jungkook begs to differ. First of all, he found you slumped on your desk that afternoon hair uncombed, clothes unwashed, lunch pack you probably bought for the day still untouched, and a mess of papers splayed around your head, with a stray piece even covering your face. And second, he realized you’ve come down with a flu the moment he noticed your labored breaths and felt your skin burning up. So of course, this is bad. Jungkook frowns at the careless shrug you give him and it deepens when you tried to laugh at the situation and told him you’re fine and he should go back to his dorm even when you’re tucked up in your sheets, face pale, and voice hoarse like death.

Of course, he didn’t listen to you. With the years he’s grown with you, he always knew you easily get sick and take too long to get well. He would always hear your mom’s exasperated voice next door when she scolds you for getting drenched under the rain or standing too long under the sun. All of these were for the best of you, ten-year-old Jungkook found out, because when you turned seven, you got hospitalized for five days after coming down with an illness from just playing under the rain with him for an hour. As soon as you got discharged, your mom asked him to keep an eye on you if you ever try to pull off some stupid shit again. With three years ahead of you in age, Jungkook easily accepted such responsibility and for the next ten years, he zealously kept his promise to your mom.

So now with you sick and your roommate gone for her hometown for the next two days, there are no further questions to be asked. Jungkook will stay by your side for the night. Three years of coming-and-going to your dorm is enough for him to memorize that every Wednesday, your RA does not do her rounds. His butt is safe for tonight from momentary bad landings on the ground whenever he has to escape from your window.

Taking care of you is easy. He knows playing along with your whines will get him to make you eat the food he nearly cut a finger for in preparation. Asking you to tell him another run-over of your stories is the key to coax you to ignore your work for the mean time and take a shower. Finally, letting you ramble about the most random things is the ultimate power move to get you into bed and tuck you under the sheets. He still goes for this technique even though he ends up with the most ridiculous ideas plaguing him in his sleep like that time you wondered what if the Cerberus has its body reversed: instead of three heads and one body, it has one head and three bodies.

However, this night was different from the other nights he played nurse because this is the first time the power move did not work on you.

“Come lay next to me.”

“What?!” Jungkook whips his head to you, fingers frozen in the middle of arranging the papers on your desk.

“Come lay next to me,” you repeat, voice still soft but the conviction in it clearer. Jungkook straightens his back and faces you with a deadpan stare. The usual “No, Y/N, I won’t lie next to you. I have some blankets. I’ll sleep on the floor,” is already on the tip of his tongue. But as soon as he took a step towards you, your ultimatecounter-atack is played out in front of him: you with your puppy eyes and your bottom lip jutted out in a pout. Jungkook immediately freezes. Such sight used to affect his soft spot for you that will have him willing to consider your request back when he only saw you as a friend. But now–damn, not only does it affect his soft heart, it also instantly attacks a part of his brain–a part where he lets his feelings cloud his rational thinking and is most of the time occupied by you (in short, his whole brain–just kidding).

So there is no surprise Jungkook will only manage to squeak, “What?” amidst the tornado going on his body and the gigantic flash of red ready to take over his cheeks.

Unaware of his interior war with himself, you only fixed your gaze on him and said, “Come lay next to me. I’m feeling too cuddly and…lonely. Yeah, lonely. I didn’t manage to talk with anyone yesterday and I crave some human connection, which also only made me miss my bestfriend more.”

Jungkook is still rooted in his position, still giving you that troubled expression (brows knitted together, face flushed, lips parted in a weird semi-scowl, semi-smile that sometimes troubles you yourself), so you muttered, “Promise, you can leave my side as soon as I fell asleep.”

Jungkook bites his lip but wordlessly goes to your side of the bed to raise his hand to your direction, pinky jutted out. “You promise?”

You grin at him. “Aren’t we already too old for pinky swears? You’re making me look like I’m destroying your conscience by just asking you to keep me company.”

“Because you do–Goddamn it, Y/N, just promise me or not?!”

“Fine, fine, fine, I promise,” you interlock your pinky with his and seal the deal with a kiss on your thumb. “There, so can you know lay next to me? So I can also end your agony as soon as possible?”

“Damn, woman, you’re so demanding.” Despite such remark, Jungkook concedes and goes to the other side of your bed. After he finally tucks himself next to you with your blanket pulled to his chest like you do, he fixes you with a begrudging frown. “There. Satisfied?”

You laugh, “Yeah, so much!” You pulled his right arm closer to you, spreading his palm open to slot your fingers between the spaces of his own. Giggling at your now-intertwined hands, you turn to his side and look up at him. “Don’t you feel reminiscent of sleeping like this when we used to have sleepovers in your house?”

“Yeah, totally. Can you now sleep?” Jungkook answers with an annoyed huff, facing away from you and you only giggle at him.

“Okay, grumpy StarKook,” you chortle. “Remember not to get too close. You may get sick, too, and you can’t have that for tomorrow’s practice.” Drawling on your words, you pressed yourself further on your side of the bed to create more space between the two of you.

It is only when your soft snores fill the room that Jungkook breaks from his stiff position. He turns to your side, facing your curled-up form. The circles under your eyes have become darker than last week and your collarbones protrude on your skin a little too much for his liking. And he hates himself for not noticing anything earlier. He hates himself for missing out too much on you these days. He hates himself for making it up to you only now. But most of all, he hates himself for his inability to just outright say to you that he no longer sees you as just a friend but a person who’s unknowingly owned his heart.

He hates how he can’t easily return the sweet sentiments you generously pour on him. His lips conditioned to say the opposite of what his heart meant in fear of losing you with the burden he’s impending to give you once you knew everything about the songs in his heart. And even if he tried to make up for his poor choice of words with his actions, he hates how his progress is close to nothing in trying to make you see the way he sees you whenever you feel insecure, un-loved, un-qualified to live in the world. Because, you are so, so much more than the faults you always see in yourself.

So, even if Jungkook feels he’s still far from touching your heart the way you did his when you helped him realize his own passion, he won’t stop trying. Even if sometimes he gets easily knocked off his feet and rational thoughts fly away from his head the moment his eyes just as so much meet yours–Jungkook won’t stop loving you.

Jungkook sees the way you suddenly shift closer to him, forehead scrunched and lips frowning in discomfort. He raises his hand and awkwardly pats your hair. That seems to do the trick as the lines on your forehead smoothen out, your lips curving into a small smile. Jungkook then feels a squeeze on his hand and his heart instantly warms into a soft mush at the way you managed to keep yourself far from him so as not to infect him, but still near enough for you to reach him.

Jungkook’s about to sweep away the strand of hair that has fallen astray on your face when–

“Ko-ook, I…felt so bad today.”

Jungkook immediately tucks away his hand back to his chest. Your eyes are still closed, chest heaving evenly with your breaths so Jungkook’s not sure if you’re just sleep-talking or just letting him off the hook of what he’s about to do. Nevertheless, he replies, “W-why?”

“Be…because I can’t write these days and I…and my studies take up too much of my time and I just–I don’t knoow, feel like I’m not improving at aall.”

“I–,” Jungkok gulps “Well, I can help you with your studies?”

“No offense, Kook, but I don’t trust you with my pa-papers…My program is a reading course and you a-already sleep halfway through a five-paged short stooory.”

Jungkook laughs, “Okay, touché.” Damn, even in your drowsy state you still roast him well.

Despite his small chuckles, you continue on, still serious. “Bu…but what if I can’t find the time to wri–write anymore and end up not getting any of my stories published?”

Almost instantly, Jungkook replies, “You will get published.” Among all of the things he has agreed with, this is the only one he can be a hundred percent sure of.

“How did you know?”

“Because I know you will. And because I’ll make sure I’ll be the first person to buy a copy of your book.” Jungkook squeezes your hand, smiling.

“You…you promise?”

“Now look who told me we’re getting too old for pinky promises.”

“I just sai-said promise, you know. You’re the only grown-up who still likes pinky promises–Whatever, do you promise or not?

“Okay, okay, I promise.”

“Hmmm,” you yawn turning on your side of the bed, “It’s already laaate so feel free to sleep on my bed, Kook. But if you still want to go to your dorm and rest, you can leave me now. I’m already sleepyyy. Thank you again for the night.”

“Okay, I’m finally free!” Jungkook chuckles but he doesn’t make a move to leave. Not yet. He turns to look at your sleeping figure, eyes drinking in the curves and dips of your body. Jungkook shifts an inch closer to you, his hand poised near to your back. He aches to caress the soft tuff of hair in front of him but Jungkook keeps his hand to himself. This is enough for now. He just wants to prolong his opportunity to be with you like this, to have you close to him without worrying about the possible consequences of his feelings. A soft smile graces Jungkook’s face as he sighs.

***

Your eyes flutter open when you feel a sudden movement against your skin. The first thing that registers in your mind is that you’ve practically latched yourself onto Jungkook – lips pressed on his nape, arms looped around the dip of his waist, and feet slotted against his calves. What worries you though is your bestfriend is barely breathing. With the way his abdomen feels taut beneath your fingers and the soft expanse of his neck trembling under the space where you managed to press your nose against, you’re sure he’ll pass out anytime soon from holding his breath inside for too long.

“You’re still a…awake, Kook?” You called out, withdrawing your arms back to your chest, legs back to your side of the bed. “A-am I being too clingy? S-sorry…”

Jungkook suddenly moves away and then he’s now facing you. “N-no! You’re not clingy…I just,” Jungkook sighs, “I suddenly felt…weird.”

“Wh-why?” You mutter softly, brows furrowed. You then realize he must have been unable to leave just like you promised because you’re hugging him too tight in your sleep. You immediately brought your gaze down, apologetic. “Is it because of me? I-I’m sorry…I probably hugged you in my sleep and didn’t let you leave and go back to your dorm, and I’m sorry–”

Jungkook shakes his head and looks at you, wide awake now. Of course, everything about this night is because of you. He’s feeling all these things because of you–you who stupidly neglect your health for the sake of studying, you who whine at him yet successfully convince him to join you on your bed, and you who look so endearingly beautiful even when you’re sick and can barely keep your eyes open. Of course, it will always be you.

“No, it’s not because of you,” Jungkook breathes out.

But he won’t admit it to you.

“It’s because of me.”

Because he’s also at fault for dragging his chances tonight for too long and you are yet to know the reason why. Especially, not now–not this way.

“I got sleepy, too, so I just decided to sleep, and then I suddenly woke up when I felt you, uh…hugging me like that,” Jungkook clears his throat. “I-it’s just–I felt a bit queasy about you hugging me from behind.”

You blink at him. “You feel weird being the small spoon?”

Jungkook almost chokes on his own spit. “W-what?” Are you talking about spooning in bed? Where are you going with this conversation?!

“I mean,” you huff, “most guys I talk with complain about their partners’ hair smothering their faces when they are the big spoon. And, it’s not like I purposely hugged you just to find out whether you like being the small spoon or not, I just unconsciously hugged you FYI. But then again, why don’t you like being the small spoon? You used to like it when I am the big spoon in our sleepovers.”

“…When the hell did that happen?”

You narrowed your eyes at him and Jungkook laughs. Huffing, you turn your back to him, facing your side of the bed. “Nevermind, deny it all you want when we know your mother still has pictures of you snuggled in my embrace. Anyway, it’s good that I woke up on time. You should have woken me up when you felt me hug you. You need to stay far on the bed or else you’ll get sick too and–”

A thick arm drapes across your waist and a firm chest presses behind your back. You feel Jungkook’s knees slot next behind yours, his warm toes sliding beneath your cold feet. Before you can let out a squeak in surprise, you hear the voice of your bestfriend, rumbling right from his chest.

“I don’t want to be small spoon. I like to be the big spoon. So I can protect you at night.”

Chuckling, you try to ignore the searing warmth that has suddenly taken over your chest. Your ears also feel incredibly hot now, because of the cold, because of Jungkook–you don’t know, but the only thing you’re sure of is you like this warmth. Probably way more than you should. Grinning, you said, “Protect me from what?”

“From nightmares and bad people. Now be quiet and go to sleep, peanut.”

“Okay, okay, but…you have to let go now, Kook. You’ll also get sick–”

“Don’t wanna. I never get sick,” Jungkook murmurs against your hair, “I have the Jeon Effect.”

“Hmm’kay, suit yourself. Don’t let me tell you ‘I told you so.’” A beat passes and then you mumble something against your pillows–something Jungkook would have easily dismissed if not for one word that added to the flame in his heart.

“Goodnight…prince.”

It only takes about two minutes to have you snoring softly again in his arms. Jungkook releases the breath he’s been holding and lets his stiff shoulders drop in resignation. He presses himself closer to you, his arm draped across your waist moves as he finds for your fingers and intertwines it with his.

Pressing a tender kiss on the back of your head, Jungkook mutters, “Goodnight, my princess.”

Epilogue

“Mom,” Jungkook whispers on the phone, “Do you really have pictures of Y/N spooning me from behind?”

“Well, yeah…I didn’t know you knew I have copies of those, I only showed them to Y/N. Why did you ask?”

“N-nothing. Just checking.”

“Oh…kay. By the way, I also have photos of you spooning Y/N from behind. It’s so cute seeing you have turned around and switched your places. Ahh, I miss the toddler version of you. So cute!”

“Kook, are you–achoo!–talking with someone?”

“Oh shucks, mom, I have to go now. Bye bye, love you.” Jungkook ends the call and turns on his side to face you. “It’s just my mom, checking up on me.” But before you can ask him how’s his mom, Jungkook lets out a massive sneeze. He could feel your stare on him as he grabs some tissues from your tissue box–only to end up with insufficient three tissues and an empty box. He grins at you. “Can you hand me more tissues?”

Your lips pull into a straight line as you reach for the tissue box by your desk “Here. See, Jungkook? I told you to leave me yesterday, Now you’re sick, too.

“It’s okay. At least now I get you to focus all your attention on me.”

“W-what?”

“N-nothing.”

A/N pt.2 | So hi hons! Thank you for reading this installment!!! I’ve been down the couple of days because of so MUCH school work and…I feel like I’m not improving at all given with the sudden efflux of feedback to my recent writings :((( Hence, sorry if I kept you guys waiting for too long…Anyway, I hope I’ve progressed a little bit with this installment! Thank you for always supporting me and reading my stories!

P.S. If you also want to leave me some love, I have my arms wide open in my ask box ~( ; ^ ; )~

#btswritingcafe #bangtan bookclub #kwritersworldnet #btsguild #bangtanarmynet #tpahr #the prince and his rose #jungkook fluff #bts fluff #football player!jk + childhood friend!you #HONS!#ANOTHER DRABBLE IS HERE!#Happy birthday for our cutie patootie Jeon Jeonggukie #Happy Jungkok Day

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logicalbookthief · 5 years ago

Note

76 on the prompt list :>>> excited to see what u come up w/

Anon, your faith in me was truly misguided. I saw this prompt and went, “ooh, ok, let’s do some heartfelt angst,” and then as I started that my brain went, “nah, this instead.”

And by this, I mean “domestic & married Reddie being gross and in love and having a drama queen for a kid”

Prompt: 76 – “It could be worse. They could be dating.” “Wait. They are?!”

Summary: “Our daughter is dating a nose-picker?!” Eddie says it with the disdain of someone describing a serial killer.

Richie kicks the door closed with his foot, already slipping it halfway out of his shoe. He dumps his duffel on the floor, which Eddie’ll chide him for later. That’s a problem for future Richie, not present Richie, who’s running on pure caffeine after his non-stop flight from Atlanta to LA.

The distant thump of 80s music lures him to the kitchen. Eddie’s humming along to the radio as he rinses lettuce for one of his seasonal salads. Richie would bet his life it includes pine nuts.

Padding quietly across the hardwood, Richie warps his arms around his husband from behind. “Honey, I’m home!”

Eddie jolts, relaxing the minute he feels the frame of Richie’s glasses against his head. “Jesus,” he sighs, dropping to a whisper. “Jack, what’re you doing, you know my husband’s coming home today!”

“Jack?!” Richie squawks, twisting him around by the lapels. “As in, our mailman?”

“Oh, whoops,” Eddie feigns shock, the facade lasting all of a second before he throws his arms around Richie’s neck, swooping in for a kiss.

Richie moans, a little satisfied hum against Eddie’s lips. “Where’s my other sweetheart?”

His husband adjusts his shirt where it’s riding up, due to his Richie’s wandering hands. “Moping,” he explains, delicately.

“She’s seven. What does she have to mope about?” Richie deadpans. His mouth twists into a grimace. “Wait. Are you trying the tuna casserole recipe again?”

Eddie whips around. “What the fuck’s wrong with my–?”

“Nothing!” he answers quickly. Eddie narrows his eyes, wielding the salad-spinner like he wants to use it on something besides leafy greens. “So what’s eating my little Spaghetti-o?”

“Mrs. Diaz separated her from her cubby-buddy, Jonas,” Eddie informs, eyebrows rocketing to his hairline. “Apparently they were too disruptive as a pair.”

“Jonas? Isn’t that the nose-picker?” He regrets this observation as Eddie gags over the croutons.

Everyone has a thing, a thing that trips the gag reflex. Many things bring out that response in Eddie, yet none so viscerally as his aversion to snot, boogers, and the like. Ever since they were kids, it was the surefire way to make him heave. Even if the snot in question was connected to their child.

So when it came to boogers, Richie was the go-to parent, while Eddie graciously agreed to handle the diaper meltdowns. After all, the key to a successful marriage is compromise. Compromise, and lots of Clorox wipes.

At the school’s Christmas pageant last year, the boy standing next to Nina started digging for gold halfway through Twelve Days of Christmas and found a nugget before they hit two turtle-doves. Poor Eds nearly hurled in Richie’s lap.

“Don’t remind me,” Eddie shudders. “Anyway, she’s heartbroken over it. As soon as we got home she ran to her room. I tried to talk to her when I brought her a snack and she asked me to please give her time.”

Richie imagines that coming out of his seven-year-old’s mouth and snorts. “Sorry,” he adds. “Not funny.”

Eddie ducks his chin to hide his smile. “Even for her, it’s a tad overdramatic,” he admits, glancing up at Richie through his lashes. “I didn’t have the heart to pester her, but, maybe since you’re home…”

“I’m on it!” Richie stretches the lingering kinks out of his neck. “I’m a world-famous comedian back from a sold-out show. Cheering our daughter up should be a cinch.”

“Mhm,” Eddie intones, not sounding very confident. Which, rude. He seems rather distracted by the length of Richie’s biceps as they stretch over his head. His eyes gleam with an anticipation that has nothing to do with salad. Richie’s got the same itch crawling beneath his skin and he’s very eager to scratch it. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and the dick grow harder.

His knocks at Nina’s room are ignored, so Richie gently pushes the door open to peer inside. At the sight of his daughter curled up on the bed, he breaks into a smile.

“Eyyy, there’s my girl!”

Nina raises her head from the pillow, uttering a curt, “Hi, Dad.”

Well, that’s far less enthusiasm than he was expecting. Considering he was gone for almost a week. Nothing like a child’s indifference to keep you humble.

“Aww, sweetie, what’s wrong?” His ears perk at the soft croon of Whitney Houston in the background. “And … what the heck are you listening to?”

“Playlist,” she mutters, blindly flinging an arm toward her device. She’s got it open to his Spotify.

Richie should probably delete the app from her tablet, like, yesterday. If she ever stumbles across his “Songs to fuck Eddie to” playlist he’ll have to commit samurai-suicide.

However. Given this playlist is called “Sad love songs to cry into your Chipotle burrito,” Richie has a better idea of what type of crisis he’s dealing with here.

“Sooo, uh. Your daddy told me. You and Jonas, you two are…?” He winces at her lip-tremble, which confirms his worst suspicions. “That’s rough, kiddo.”

“I’ll never be happy again,” Nina sniffs miserably. “I love Jonas and now we’ll never see each other!”

“You are still in the same class,” Richie points out.

She whirls on him, eyes flashing lividly.

“We sit by last names! His is at the beginning, mine’s at the end!” With more venom than a child should be capable of, she hisses, “I hate the alphabet.”

“O-Kay,” says Richie, truly at a loss. Luckily, she doesn’t seem inclined to talk about it anymore. Instead she stuffs her face back in the pillow, not quite fluffy enough to absorb her lovelorn sigh.

He pets her hair, curling it around his fingers, until the sniffles eventually dwindle. “Do you want us to make you a special dinner? Anything you want,” Richie cajoles.

Nina thinks it over, tilting her cheek enough to say, “Can you ask Daddy to make tuna casserole?”

Richie blanches. “Wha– Why?”

“I want my belly to feel as bad as my heart,” she mumbles.

He manages to keep a straight face as he bends to kiss her brow and leaves her to sulk, but it’s a close call. When he reports back to the kitchen with his news, there’s no tact necessary.

Eddie laughs ‘til he’s out of breath. “It isn’t funny,” he repeats, slightly winded.

“Of course not,” Richie agrees, failing to stifle his own grin.

“I love her, I’m sorry she’s hurting, but she’s so–”

“Theatric?”

“She gets that from you,” Eddie accuses.

“Excuse a moi?” Richie balks. “This, coming from the guy who kissed me out of the deadlights like some low-budget horror rebut of Sleeping Beauty?”

“What, should I have let the clown eat you?” Eddie glances his way, slyly. “I was referring to middle school. When you spent an entire night cranking your mom’s Bonnie Tyler records because I said you kind of looked like a frog, and you remembered how three weeks ago I told Bev I’d never kiss a frog even if it turned into a handsome prince?”

“Fucking Stanley,” Richie huffs. “I swore him to secrecy. We spit on it and everything.”

Eddie rolls his eyes. “At least for Nina, it’s only a crush. It could be worse,” he scoffs. “They could be dating.”

Richie tries to school his expression, he does, but – the thing is. After spending almost their whole fucking lives together, minus those twenty-two years of amnesia in between, Eddie can spot his tells from a mile away.

“Wait. They are?!” He slaps a hand over his mouth, aghast. “Our daughter is dating a nose-picker?”

He says it with the disdain of someone describing a serial killer.

“Ugh, Rich, that–ew! What if they hold hands after h–he–”

The suggestion of it alone has Eddie bending over the sink.

“Babe, c’mon.” Richie soothes a palm up-and-down his spine. “You’ve drilled the importance of hand-washing into Nina since she could walk. I doubt she’s carrying around any clingers.”

On cue, Eddie lets loose another dry heave.

“Will you stop?” he groans, glaring over his shoulder at Richie. “This is awful. Literally, of all the kids in her class, why this one?”

“You’re blowing this way out of proportion,” says Richie, though Eddie’s eyebrows beg to differ. He loves his husband, deeply, irrevocably, but he’s also one of most ridiculous people on the planet. “Remember, we like Jonas? Jonas is nice! If a little unsanitary… He’ll grow out of it, though. Like I did.”

The words leave his mouth before his brain can flash any of the red warning signs. Slowly, ever so slowly, Eddie turns. They lock eyes. His gaze brims with the horror of this realization.

“Are you saying,” Eddie begins, dangerously low, “that you used to pick your nose when we were kids a-and then, you’d touch me?”

“Used to?” Richie grabs the fleeing Eddie and hauls him back before he really does leave him for their incredibly buff mailman.

“Babe!” he chuckles. “I’m kidding, I’m kidding, I swear! I swear on Ben’s chiseled abs!”

“Disgusting, you’re disgusting,” Eddie grumbles, wriggling in his grasp. “Let go of me, don’t even think of touching me with–”

All of a sudden, Eddie squeals, wracked with a full-bodied spasm.

“With what?” Richie taunts, continuing to tickle him. “With these filthy, boogery fingers of mine?”

“St–op!” Eddie wheezes. “I’m gonna piss my pants!”

“Don’t exploit my pee kink,” he snaps, which only makes Eddie wheeze harder.

“I’ve had my fingers in your ass,” Richie reminds. “In fact, you love my fingers in your ass.”

Whether from embarrassment or exertion, Eddie flushes. “Fuck you, that’s extremely different!”

“You’re right, it’s probably more disgusting.” Teeth skirting over his earlobe, Richie leans down, his voice a sultry hush, “Because I like to use my mouth there, too.”

Eddie muffles a moan into his fist. “I see what you’re doing,” he grits out. “And it won’t work. No way I’m sleeping with you now, nose-picker.”

Richie makes a wounded noise, clutching him more firmly to his chest. “Please, Eds, baby, I can change! I’ll go to meetings, therapy– I’ll never stick my finger anywhere you don’t want again!”

“I don’t know if I can ever look at you the same.” Eddie’s reply cuts off into a giggle as those fingers attack his flank. “Seriously, Rich, I am going to–!”

They’re interrupted by the violent swing of Nina’s door against the wall.

“Will you two keep it down?!” she shouts. “I’m trying to mourn!”

The door slams shut again. They gawk at each other in silence. Finally, Richie pools enough blood into his brain to speak.

“Are we terrible parents?”

Eddie kisses the underside of his chin. “Ask me that when your semi isn’t plastered against my ass,” he says, flatly.

@trashmouth_tozier

Hi my name is Richie and I’m a recovering nose-picker. Ages 3 thru 9 were rough, but with the support of my dear husband, I’ve managed to keep my fingers clean. Hope my story can help inspire someone else xx

Bev: why did Eddie ask for the number of my divorce lawyer ?

Bev: nvm I saw your tweet

Am I projecting my own snot-induced gag reflex onto Eddie? Yes. Do I still believe my characterization was spot-on? Yes again.

#reddie #reddie fic #richie tozier #eddie kaspbrak #it chapter 2 #canon fix-it #asks #prompt fic

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cherryeol04 · 5 years ago

Text

The Firsts

Summary: No one ever told him that living was going to be so difficult. That there would emotions get couldn’t label and distinguish. He’s just a young boy trying to navigate through life and its unexpected ups and downs.

Genre: Humor, Fluff, smut(?)

Pairings: Oc x Felix, Oc x Changbin, Changbin x Oc x Felix

Warnings: poly relationship, angst in some part, excessive fighting about the MCU.

Parts: Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7 / Part 8 / Part 9 / Part 10 / Part 11 / Part 12 / Part 13 / Part 14 / Part 15 / Part 16 / Part 17

A/N: This story has a theme of Firsts. First love, first kiss and many other firsts. Each part can be read on their own and are meant to stand as oneshots. It’s basically a collection of oneshots (little snapshots into my Oc’s life. 😁)

Aiden didn’t understand why he was so nervous, standing in front of the unassuming oak door. It wasn’t a date, Felix had said so, despite all the teasing he had to endure afterwards. They were just watching movies for Aiden’s reputation. Otherwise, he would forever be teased about not seeing Marvel movies. He honestly hadn’t thought it was a bad thing to not be up on trends and the like, but now he had seen the true nature of his friends - the snakes - and learned his lesson.

‘Just knock. Just knock.’

Aiden willed his hand up, fist formed a bit too tightly. Three raps in quick succession and Aiden swallowed thickly. From inside he could hear a very faint ‘coming’ and his heart began to race, a cold sweat breaking out. He wanted so much to just turn around and run, not show up and give some crappy excuse as to why he couldn’t make it. But before his brain could connect with his feet, the door was already opening and Aiden was graced with the most beautiful smile and the most handsome face he had ever seen.

“Hey!”

“H-Hi.” Aiden kicked himself for stuttering - it wasn’t cute. He cleared his throat as he brought his hands behind his back and grasped them, thumbs twirling together in secrecy. “So, ready for our marathon?” He asked and Felix nodded his head quickly, stepping aside so Aiden could come inside. Aiden wanted to be amazed at the house, but it honestly wasn’t anything spectacular. It was similar to his own, modest for a small family - though a tad bit cleaner than his own.

He was most taken by the sight of Felix alone, because outside of their normal school uniform, he hadn’t really seen Felix in anything else. His fashion style was baggy. Oversized everything that just looked so comfortable that Aiden wanted to crawl up in there with him and cuddle him. It didn’t help that Felix was adorning a bright fluorescent orange hoodie that had to be at least two sizes too big on him and gave him the cutest sweater paws he had ever seen. Aiden wasn’t sure if this was what love was, but he sure as hell knew he wanted to wrap his arms around Felix and paint his face with kisses.

He refrained though, as hard as it was. “I got everything set up in my room.” Felix told him, the front door closing. Stepping around Aiden, he started for the stairs and Aiden followed obediently. “So we’re gonna start with Iron man.”

“Oh, so then I can date you?” Aiden instantly regretted the question as soon as he asked it, and quite literally facepalmed with a resounding smack! Felix paused on the stairs and turned to look back at him, amusement written across his face as he raised a brow.

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.” He said with a laugh. It was joke, he was laughing it off but there was still a part of Aiden that was hoping there was something there. That maybe Felix would reciprocate. Felix turned back and Aiden silently followed the other up the rest of the stairs and to the room. This was going to be a long day.

~*~

They made it through Thor when both boys realized the time. Including breaks between movies and dinner, the time had flown and it was nearing nine. Not nearly late enough to go to bed on the weekend, but early enough where Aiden should probably head home. And he would have if a hand hadn’t grabbed his wrist, pulling him back down on the comfy bed he had been resting on just moments prior.

“Ask your mom if you can spend the night.” It was a soft suggestion, dare Aiden even think of it as a plea. The idea had crossed his mind many times during the day but he wasn’t sure if it was a good idea, what with his emotions just hanging between them like a thousand-pound weight ready to collapse on them at any given moment.

“Come on, Felix. I don’t think I can sit through another movie.” Aiden whined. A lie - boldfaced but his only logical excuse as to why he could leave.

“We don’t have to watch anymore.” Felix said as he sat up from his slouched position against the wall. “We could watch YouTube or something and just hang out.”

Chewing on his bottom lip lightly, Aiden nodded as he pulled his phone out of pocket and shot his mom and quick text, asking if he could spend the night. The reply came only a few beats later and he smiled lightly. “She said it was okay.”

“Awesome! I’ll find you something to wear!” Felix said as he scrambled off the bed and Aiden could feel his pulse quicken at the thought of wearing Felix’s clothes. Would they smell like him? Would they be just as comfortable as they looked on him? Felix dug around in his dresser, first tossing a pair of pants towards Aiden and then a shirt. “That should be good.”

“Thanks.” Aiden smiled as he picked up the articles of clothing and stood for the bed. He headed out of the room and to the bathroom just down the hall to change. Aiden was actually surprised to find that Felix’s clothes for him rather well, and they were just as cozy as he imagined. There was still a little bagginess in the sleeves, but it was really nice. He brought the front of his shirt up to his nose, sniffing lightly, a smile spreading across his lips at the honey scent that filled his senses.

This was Felix.

“God I’m whipped.” He muttered to himself with a shake of his head. He grabbed his clothes, folding them nicely before carrying them back into Felix’s room. Felix was laying in his bed, pillow clutched to his chest as he stared at the YouTube screen on his TV. As Aiden made his way to the bed, Felix lifted his gaze and smiled.

“Oh my gosh! You’re so cute!” Felix squealed, sitting up. “I didn’t think you would look so cute in my clothes.” Aiden couldn’t stop the blush that spread over his cheeks, eyes lowering to stare at the ground.

“Thanks.” Silence fell between them and Aiden wondered if Felix even heard him. It wasn’t an awkward silence, but Aiden wasn’t entirely sure what to do now and he blamed it on the fact he hadn’t been around Felix that much. Their interactions were sporadic but fun, yet being alone with him like this was different. Aiden was afraid that maybe he wasn’t that interesting to be around - mundane and boring.

Arms wrapped around his waist and he jerked, head flying up and connecting with the side of Felix’s jaw. “Oh shit!” He gasped out, hands reaching up to cup Felix’s face and examine the already reddening skin. “I am so sorry!”

“It’s okay.” Felix spoke, jaw tense as he fought through the pain. “I shouldn’t have scared you like that.” He said as he reached up and tentatively touched the sore area.

“I should have been paying attention. I’m so stupid.” Aiden muttered softly. His fingers lightly grazed over the area Felix had just been touching and he could feel the warmth of it. “That’s really got to hurt. Let me go get some ice for it.”

“Or you could kiss it and make it better.” Felix offered and Aiden stilled. His eyes connected with Felix’s, wide and unsure if he heard right. Kiss it? Like actually kiss it? Put his lips on Felix? He was pretty sure that he was messing with him at this point.

“Don’t be silly. That’s not gonna help.” He protested and lowered his hands. “I’ll go get some ice for it, okay? Just go sit back down.” He tried to usher Felix back to the bed, but the other was being stubborn and not budging from his spot, which was annoying Aiden. All he wanted to do was help the other! Now was not the time for games.

Felix let out a huff, hand grabbing his wrist and holding it tightly, grounding him in his spot. “Changbin wasn’t kidding, you really are a virgin.” It came out as a frustrated sigh and it left Aiden gapping in shock. “You can’t even tell when someone is flirting with you.”

“F-Flirting?!” Aiden sputtered incredulously. “Since when?”

“Since Iron Man 2 when I started cuddling you.” Felix stated matter of factly and Aiden just gaped at him. “I know you can be silly and little dense, but come on Aiden.” Felix said, head tilting slightly to the side and just gave him this look.

“Okay, but I’ve never...” Aiden trailed off, embarrassed by the words that wanted to fall from his lips. Everyone already knew he was “virgin” thanks to Changbin’s big mouth but it was actually embarrassing at how innocent he actually was - with the exception of the things he did with Changbin in the privacy of their bedrooms.

“Cute.” Felix cooed and poked Aiden’s cheeks lightly, pulling a soft laugh from him as he tried to wiggle away from Felix, but the hand on his wrist kept him from going too far. “I like you.”

Aiden felt his heart stop - it was just as dramatic as he was - before beating rapidly in his chest as those words slowly sunk in. Felix liked him? It couldn’t be. There was no possible way. “Like as a friend right?”

“Well yeah.” Felix nodded and chuckled. “But I like you as more than a friend as well. And I was wondering if maybe you wanted to go out sometime, on a date?” Suddenly Felix was shy, blushing and looking at anything but Aiden and it was just the cutest thing he had ever witnessed. It was an impulse - he wrapped his arms around Felix and hugged him tightly, pulling him close to his body.

“Is that a yes?” Felix asked as he carefully wrapped his arms around Aiden’s waist gently, hands resting on the small of his back.

“It’s a big fat yes.” Aiden muttered against Felix’s shoulder. He pulled back slowly and looked at Felix, smirking. “It’s because I watched Iron Man right?” He asked.

“Totally. You made it to Thor, that means we can also kiss.” Felix said and leaned in to do just that, but Aiden dodged him, pulling back with a shy smile.

“Aiden?”

“Not yet.” Aiden told him with a slight nod. “I wanna at least get to the Spider-Man saga before we kiss.” He told him. Felix stared at him and nodded, chuckling softly.

“Alright then, it’s a date.”

“Perfect! Now let me get you ice for your jaw.” Aiden said and before Felix could protest, he ran out the room, heart still hammering in his chest at the confession.

Did this make Felix his boyfriend? He sure as hell hoped so, he had wanted this for so long. To finally be able to date the guy he had been crushing on for so long, it was like a dream come true. He couldn’t wait to see what the future held for them.

#stray kids #skz #stray kids fanfic #skz fanfic #stray kids au #fanfic #skz au #stray kids au fanfic #skz au fanfic #au story #humor #fluff #the firsts #changbin x oc #felix x oc #changbin x oc x felix

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yrpspiritsintheshadows · 4 years ago

Text

A Strange Arrangement

Hideki sighed in content as he watched the whipped cream he was making double in size in the stand mixer.

There really wasn’t anything quite like the feeling of success at seeing a technique work out just like you practiced it.

“Alright, soon as this is whipped, I’ll get it into the cake and-”

There was a tugging on his apron, causing him to jump. He looked down to see Ken was giving him a puppy eyed look, tugging again on it.

“What’s up, Shark Pup?”

Ken smiled, jumping back.

“Can you make me a lunch?”

“Like, to eat here or a bento? And for that matter, why? I thought you already ate.”

Ken sighed, giving him a kicked look.

“I shared my lunch with my friends. I’m gonna be hungry real soon… Pleeeaaase?”

Hideki glanced at his mixer, checking the consistency of the whipped cream. Fluffy and nearly coming out of the bowl, just how he liked it.

“Maybe later. I need to finish my roll cake. If you’re patient, I’ll put a piece in there.”

Ken perked up, letting out a little gasp.

“Really? Can you put two?”

Hideki gave him a curious look, getting his roll cake set out on the counter and spreading the filling out atop it.

“This is really rich. It’s chocolate with strawberries and I’m gonna cover it with a ganache before freezing it. You’ll get a tummy ache on two.”

“I won’t! The other piece isn’t for me.” Ken put both his hands together, giving another pout… throwing in a whimper for effect. “Pleeeaaase?”

Hideki flinched, trying not to make eye contact. He knew that look. He had become very accustomed to it.

“Ken, please don’t make that face.”

“Pretty please?”

“Ken, who are you even hanging out with? You know you can’t feed chocolate to the dog.”

Okami, as if understanding this, let out a loud whine. Hideki rolled his eyes.

“She’s a really good friend of mine from school.” It wasn’t a lie, Ayami was waiting for him outside and he wanted to share a snack with her. “We’re going on a big hike.”

“I don’t remember hearing you talk about this friend before. Which one?”

“Her name’s Ayami.”

Hideki hummed in thought. He remembered seeing a few kids playing with Ken during park trips but never anyone by that name.

“Ayami, huh?”

He nodded, bouncing on his heels a little, leaning up to watch his big brother work. Hideki’s hands were fast as always, rolling the cake up carefully but securely before sliding it into the fridge. He moved to the stove, starting to melt chocolate together with heavy cream.

“So, can I have it? Please?”

“How long are you gonna be gone? Did you tell Dad or Mom?”

“I’ll tell them in a bit, but Mommy would just go “You have food at home, you two can eat here.” and… they don’t know Ayami’s mommy.” Ken pouted.

Hidei nodded, very familiar with that rule. He grew up with it from Aika and Daisuke. Before the age of ten, no friends were allowed in the house unless they talked to their parents first.

“Well, why not ask her to bring her mom over then? She’s gotta anyways if she’s being dropped off, right?”

Ken went very quiet at this, biting his lip.

“... Ken?” Hideki narrowed his eyes. “I’m not helping you keep a secret.”

“But it’s an important one…” Ken looked down at his shoes. “I promised.”

Hideki sighed a little. He knew that all too well. He wasn’t comfortable keeping secrets like this though. Especially if it went against their parents’ rules.

Sure, he’d gladly sneak the kid an extra cookie or stay up an hour later than he said because his favorite show was on… but when it came to going off alone, or rather, anything involving Ken’s well being after the nightmare incident, he wasn’t comfortable with that.

“Ken…” He looked up from his cooking, meeting his eyes. “I want to respect your wishes but I’m not gonna keep secrets from Mom and Dad. That’s not my thing.”

Ken looked down, breaking eye contact.

“Ayami’s not normal though.”

“Is she like you? Or like me?”

“.... She’s…” Ken mumbled something, looking away from Hideki. The teenager frowned, raising an eyebrow.

“Pardon?”

Ken smiled sheepishly, guilt in his eyes.

“She’s a ghost.”

Hideki’s eyes widened before he put a hand to his face.

“Keeennny, why didn’t you just start with that!?”

“Ehehe?” Ken kicked at the floor a little. “She’s not like a regular one though. She’s a Ghost Guardian… You know what those are, right?”

“Yeah, of course. Ghost kids who stay behind and work under Lady Phantova as her warriors against the undead.” Hideki took his pot off the stove, pouring it over the cake before shoving the entire thing into the freezer. “So, that’s who your little friend is, huh?”

“Ahuh… You see why I can’t just go “Bring your mom over.” since her mom is y’know...a GODDESS!?”

Hideki nodded, wincing a little.

“Yeah… I can imagine. At least tell Dad since I think he’d be more okay with this.”

“I’ll tell him later, Ayami’s waitin’ and I can’t cook.”

Hideki sighed, lowering his head.

“Okay, but just this once. I mean it bub.” He gave Ken a stern look. “And if you don’t tell, I will. This is not gonna be like your bad dreams. Okay?”

Ken nodded.

Hideki sighed before getting started on a relatively simple lunch, making sure there was enough for two.

“And if she offers you ghost fruit, you don’t eat it until you tell the folks. Alright?”

“Okay. Why?”

“I heard it doesn’t wear off that fast and you don’t wanna scare them with thinking you died and came back to pretend all was normal.”

Ken’s eyes widened before he nodded.

“Got it…. And Hideki?”

“Hm?”

Ken hugged him tightly.

“I love you.”

Hideki smiled softly.

“Love you too, Shark Pup.”

Things just keep getting interesting don’t they?

Honestly though, might be just the thing he needs to practice those gifts. He’s gonna see worse things than making a friend out of a dead kid.

It wasn’t long before Hideki saw Ken off, the little boy running off as he joined Ayami’s side. The ghost girl looked over her shoulder at him, giving him a thumbs up.

“Be careful.” He looked down at Okami, the dog giving a huff of annoyance. “What’s her issue?”

“It’s hard for her to keep up.” Ken frowned a little. “Okami, stay-”

The large dog bolted to his side, whining.

“Alright, alright. C’mon!”

“Be safe you two.” He waved, before the kids started to walk off… Only to jump when Hideki let out a yelp.

They looked back, seeing Eiji was standing right behind Hideki. The man raised an eyebrow, motioning with his finger for them to come back.

“... Uh oh.”

Ken gulped, hurrying back over, as Eiji knelt to his level.

“Am I in trouble?”

Eiji held up a finger, taking off his reading glasses.

“Not yet.” He gave a firm look. “First, I heard about half of what was going on in the kitchen. I was grading papers in the living room.”

Hideki winced.

“Frick…”

“You’re not in trouble. Like I said - not yet.” He gave Ken in particular a stern look. “Ken, can I finally meet your friend properly?”

“You knew!?” Ken yelped.

Eiji shrugged a little.

“I played with Ghost Guardians when I was little too. Kind of not a surprise to me, that you’d make friends with them too.” He was nostalgic as he looked Ayami over, nodding as he recognized the armor style. “Yup, the real deal… Which is why I’m not mad. But Ken, you should never be worried about this stuff, like I told you before - you can tell us anything and we won’t be mad.”

“Even if I tried to keep another secret?”

Ayami hurried over.

“It was my fault.” She insisted. “Please don’t be mad at Ken.”

Eiji looked at her, giving her a gentle look.

“I’m not mad. Like I said, I just want to know what my kids are getting up to. The woods aren’t entirely safe but if he’s got a friend like you, I think I can trust he’ll be alright… but I do want to at some point meet with your mother. Is that alright?”

Ayami nodded quickly.

“Frannie wouldn’t mind. If you played with us Ghost Guardians before then you’d know her too, right?”

“Yeah but it’s been about twenty years, give or take.” Eiji patted their heads. “But, no more of these little secrets, okay?”

“Okay!”

“Good… and Ken?”

“Huh?”

Eiji kissed his head.

“Be good and be safe.”

Ken smiled, hugging him tightly, relieved he wasn’t in trouble.

“Thank you, Daddy. I love you!” He grabbed Ayami’s hand as they ran off, Okami chasing after the children. “C’mon Aya!”

“Eep!”

Hideki and Eiji watched them go, before Eiji sighed a little.

“She’s so tiny…”

Hideki looked up at him.

“How young do you think she was?”

“Given I’ve seen Ken playing with someone I couldn’t see since he was about 4? I’d imagine she was five. She’s presenting herself as six right now but she’s still learning. Could be awhile before she decides her final age so to speak.” Eiji sighed. “Makes me just sad for her parents, if they were good ones.”

Hideki looked back to where they had gone.

“If they were anything like mine, they’d just be happy she has a life somewhere. Even if it’s just her afterlife.”

“Yeah… Welp, guess this means we might have a deity dropping in on us.” Eiji headed back inside. “I’m gonna go back sure I swept.”

“... So wait, that’s it? If Titan just showed up here, you’d be this nonchalant about it?”

“Kind of?” Eiji shrugged. “Honestly, this is just par for the course for me. I remember meeting her once when I was Ken’s age but that was twenty years ago. She probably doesn’t remember me.”

“Aww… Who could forget you?”

Eiji ruffled his hair.

“Aww shucks… Now… How about that cake eh?”

“Oh, you’re gonna love it. C’mon!”

Hideki hurried back inside, calling out for Hikaru and Carmen. Eiji looked back towards the forest, as the wind picked up around him.

The more things change… the more they stay the same.

oooooo

Ken and Okami were keeping up at a decent pace with Ayami, who was flying above them. The kids were relieved they hadn’t been in any actual trouble.

“Hey, my big brother packed a big snack enough for two people. Do you wanna share it with me?”

“Sure! When we get to a good rest spot.” She did a flip through the trees above them. “Wee!”

Ken saw a large boulder coming up. He picked up the pace, before leaping over it, forcing himself into a flip before he kept running.

“Oooo nice! You learn that recently?” She clapped a bit.

Ken grinned. The extra lessons while practicing with Chase and Eiji were paying off.

“Ahuh! Just can’t do it often.”

“Got ya…” She came to a stop, standing on a high tree branch looking around the forest. “Let’s see… Where to go…”

Ken looked around, Okami whining a bit as she nudged him along.

“Oof! Hey.”

Ayami looked down, raising an eyebrow.

“What’s up with her?”

“She smells something she doesn’t like.” Ken moved along, knowing very well that trying to go anywhere Okami deemed “danger” was a bad idea.

Ayami narrowed her eyes, looking around them, focusing on the energy of the forest.

Something was nearby but… it didn’t feel like a threat. Still, she swooped down, pulling Ken up, flying at a pace to keep up with how fast Okami was sprinting away from it.

“Oof! Hey!”

“I don’t think it’s bad but we’re not alone. Let’s not tick something off.”

“Right.” He looked behind them… He saw a bush rustle. “... Let’s get far away. Fast!”

Ayami looked behind them before using her strength to grab onto the scruff of Okami’s neck, lifting them both up.

“ARROOOOOOO!” Okami howled in alarm. She smelled it… It was close but she smelled it.

And she didn’t want it anywhere near her pup or the strange, not living pup.

“Um, Aya what are you-EEP!”

She phased them through a large brush of trees, before stopping at a large rock that had a relatively smooth surface, enough for all three of them to lay across.

“We’ll just stay here a bit.” She gave a salute. “I’ll go investigate.”

Ken frowned.

“It can’t hurt you can it?”

“Naaah. I’m already dead!” She boasted. “Nothing can hurt me!”

“Okay…”

Ayami gave a salute, before hurrying off, turning invisible. She came back to the path they had been on before, peering through the bushes and trees…

Whatever it was she had sensed and what scared Okami, was long gone now. She couldn't pick up a trace of it.

Weird… Maybe a forest spirit?

Ayami shook her head. No, that wasn’t right. It hadn’t felt dead.

The presence was alive… very much alive.

Maybe it was nothing. Probably a fox.

Still, she made note to keep close to Ken during more of these excursions if she didn’t have training.

Ayami hurried back to where Ken was waiting for her, already setting out their snack.

“Well?” He looked up, worried.

Ayami frowned.

“I couldn’t find it. It’s gone.”

“That’s good… right?”

“I think so but I’ll keep around more.” She sat on the edge of the rock, picking up a sandwich, taking a large bite out of it. “Mmm! Oooh that’s yummy! What’s in it?”

“Hideki makes this yummy sandwich spread, with veggies and cream cheese. It’s really good.” Ken smiled a little. “Aya, don’t worry, okay? I know you got my back.”

“And I intend to keep doing that.” She offered him a fist bump. “Ghost friends?”

“Not secret friends.” He nodded, bumping his fist with hers. He looked out over the forest, closing his eyes.

The forest’s energy was the same as ever but… his gut told him something else was around. He wasn’t entirely sure what it meant yet…

But he hoped it was nothing scary.

Just don’t let it hurt my family.

#Spirits in the Shadows #Ken Miyamoto #Ayami #Ghost Guardians #Original work #original writing #literature #paranormal #web series #yellow rose productions #Storm Arashi

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chimtaesty · 6 years ago

Text

BH8 | episode one

pairing: bts ot7 x reader | 3.5k words

warnings: none

plot: You're big hits first ever artist and only solo artist. And since bts are your only label mates (we are not including txt yet pls) bighit decided to built up a reality show called “BH8”

The happenings will be written normally but the commentary and the editing on the episodes will be written in cursive

A/N: hi there bbys! I've been so busy even though I have thousand requests and unfinished work. I hope you can wait for me. This thing will be a series I can update whenever I want to just spear me the consistent uploading. I hope you like it!

(a collab song between Y/N and BTS plays for the intro while the artists laugh and have fun)

BigHit’s 7+1 makes BH8 slides across the screen as you sit there with the MC’s and the boys next to you.

A show combining the most successful artists of this century. A legendary solo artist who debut 12 years ago and the superstars bts combined in one show. Does that make you as happy as it does us?

You smile slightly as the clip of you fighting with them in front of the pool where they tried to push you into the water is played. The first to start is your day. Your alarm goes off and a groan is able to be heard. Uh? Who has to get up this early? the camera focuses on your bed and in the same moment you kick the blanket off to reveal you and your cats. You are dressed in some shorter, not hot pants-short, pants and a hoodie. “Mh, mocca. We have to get up” You shake your cat softly and your other two cats are quick to save themselves under your blanket.

You sit yourself up and stretch your limbs. Within a second Jangmi is in your lab just to rub his head against your tummy. “So you have three cats Y/N?” Jo Kwon asks you with a kind smile and you nod. “Yes, I originally had two last year but since I won a grammy last year I got Jaehee as a present. She’s the youngest” Jo Kwon nods and you all concentrate on the show again.

You take your cat and start to kiss Jangmi enthusiastically on her face. She dislikes it and starts to try pushing you away with her paws Eomma, stop. I don’t want kisses this early hovers over Jangmi’s head in a pink bubble. You laugh and put her down. The slippers find your feet fast and you take your leave to the kitchen where you open the blinds mechanically Everything works on its own in this home. You open the fridge and take out some leftover pizza from yesterday. Huh? Pizza for breakfast? What kind of life are you living Y/N? You smile at the pizza and grab the remote for your stereo system. Immediately BTS’s Fake Love fills the room. At least she has taste in music. Then you start to dance with the pizza in your hand. On the side you’re making yourself a cup of coffee. Suddenly Jaehee jumps up onto the kitchen isle and snatches a piece of pizza. You stop dancing and shout loudly. “Jaehee! No! Come back, that’s my pizza!” she jumps off and runs as fast as she is able to.

Then a different frame is shown, a frame where Jangmi runs across the hall Look, i stole my mom's pizza. You stand in kitchen sighing with fake love in the background

The boys laugh loudly as Jangmi snatches the pizza and you yell cutely. How your face frowns looking after your cat like she just ripped a piece of your life out of your hands. The MCs laughing as well, Jaesuk almost falls down on the floor. “Jesus, you eat pizza this early?” You giggle and nod. “Since i don't really have a sleep rhythm anymore i eat anything at any time” Namjoon leans against your shoulder trying to contain his laughter.

Let’s see how Y/N's labelmates morning is going The camera focuses on the kitchen isle where Jin and Taehyung are placed. “Hyung, we have to get going” Jin smiles and agrees. They leave to the hallway over to the rooms of each member. “Namjoon-ah! Wake up” he knocks on the door and within minutes a sleep-crushed Namjoon stands in the hallway. You have to laugh as you see his slightly closed eyes. Suddenly the phone rings and a loud crash is able to be heard. The door to Jungkook's room swings open and he sprints down the hallway to the kitchen “I want to answer! Y/N-noona promised to call by breakfast-time.” Jin laughs and you as well. You can’t hold it in and reach over to Jungkook and pet his shoulder.

A second of waiting and he’s on it to answer the house-phone. “Jeon Jungkook, who’s there?” you giggle and he smiles “Noona!” The others gather around him, partly still asleep. A frame of you two on the phone takes place on the tv “I just wanted to ask if breakfast in an hour is alright” he nods, not taking in that you can’t see it “Of course, where should we meet?” you smile as well. “You wanna come over? We can leave to the company together then” he nods and you smile “Yes, we’ll be over in an hour” you turn around and leave to the bathroom. Then it changes to the boys again. The boys leave to their rooms in a hassle to dress themselves and get themselves presentable.

Then you are shown again as you brush your teeth and your hair. Then you continue with your make-up and that’s something everyone comments on normally. You put on your eye make-up first, a nice pink eyeshadow and a big eyeliner with some lashes. Your base comes as the last step and then you straighten your hair. Mocca peaks her head into the bathroom. Mh, what is mommy doing in the bathroom? She jumps up onto the sink and rubs her head on your tummy while you put your hair into a high ponytail. You smile “Mocca! You want cuddles?” she purrs and you take her into your arms as soon as your are finished.

With the cat in your arms you leave to your dressing room to put on some clothes you can leave the apartment with. Jangmi and Jaehee follow you Why is mommy walking so fast? you open the door and let mocca hop down on the floor.

A high waisted jeans, a crop top and a jeans jacket should be it. A pair of black sunglasses and white sneakers finish the look off and you leave to the door to get something to eat. Jangmi meows loudly as you approach the door Mommy! Don’t leave us alone you smile and give her a kiss on the head before you leave the apartment with a small goodbye.

Your apartment complex normally doesn’t get mobbed so you leave the apartment without security. The sunglasses sit on your nose as the sun kisses it gently and the fresh spring wind brushes through your tied up hair. Cars and buses are able to be heard, people talking and the silent wind in the trees and bushes make you smile. You gotta appreciate the small things.

The cameraman follows you silently and you just bow at him politely. Even here Y/N is showing her best side, where is she going? you take a left turn to the main street and immediately three girls wave at you and you smile. Not to be recognised is nice, yes, but a cameraman following you isn’t the most inconspicuous thing. The bakery is to your right and you open the door as far as for the camera man to step inside first Such a polite move, take notes kids!

The girl behind the counter smiles brightly as you take off your sunglasses. “Good morning, Y/N-Unnie” her sweet smile makes you smile as well and you tell her what you would like to have. She packs it up for you and you pay. “Do you want anything?” you ask the camera man and he rejects nicely. You nod and you leave again. On your way back you stop at the closest bookshop because Namjoon has made you a list with books that are good in his opinion and since you're already outside you will go out of your way and buy them. “Namjoon made me a list with good books so I am going to look if they are available right now” you smile into the camera.

As you take a look at Namjoon he actually looks kinda proud. “Do you often take advices from your juniors?” you nod. “Of course, especially Namjoon. He knows a lot and he helps me willingly with everything.” “We Like helping each other out, Y/N-noona is very good with producing and singing so she spends a lot of time with Yoongi and Jungkook in the studios but she's very very good at dancing as well so she sometimes helps us choreograph our songs” Namjoon praises you. You smile and thank him.

As you step into the bookshop you hold the door for your cameraman open again. The book shop actually isn't as crowded as you expected it to be so you take your sunglasses off. With steady eyes you search for the books Look how concentrated Y/N is! You already have almost all books as a big crash is able to be heard and the camera loses you from the frame and the cameraman falls to the floor.

Huh? Where did we go? You immediately whip around. Suddenly you're in the frame again as you hover over the camera man to help him up. The knight in shining armor Next to the cameraman are three girls with album's in their hands. “Are you okay?” you ask the poor man and he nods “Girls, you have to be more careful.” You softly scold them. “Y/N, OH MY GOD. Could you please sign my album?” you smile slightly and nod after you helped the camera man stand up and flee behind you.

You sign their stuff and take some pictures before you pay your books and leave.

On your way back you stop by a automat and buy a coffee. You stop and hand it to the camera man “I hope you're okay” you smile and he thankfully takes the coffee.

“Wow that was something, you even gifted him a coffee?” Jo Kwon asks in a way of wanting to know the reason. “I felt so bad for him. He ran into the girls who waited for me to finish looking for the books and he fell quite harshly. So I thought a coffee would make it a little bit better” you explain yourself.

The next frame is the boys. “Jungkook! Where is the perfume Y/N bought me last week?” Namjoon shouts through the apartment and you can't contain yourself so you laugh slightly. “I don't know Hyung. Look in the bathroom” he shouts back. Then Taehyung is being shown. He holds a blue jeans jacket with a tiger on the back. “Y/N-noona gifted this to me when we won our first daesung” he smiles into the camera and it warms your heart. He puts it on and grabs a pair of gucci sunglasses. Jimin still stands in front of his big closest not being able to decide what to wear. “I want Y/N-noona to compliment me today” he whispers more to himself than to the camera. He grabs a big colorful sweater and and pair of darker blue jeans.

“Are you all ready? We have half an hour left!” Yoongi shouts from the kitchen just to get some Ois back.

“Did Y/N gift you a lot of things?” Jae Suk asks and they nod unitary. You laugh loudly. “Y/N-noona spoils us whenever she is able to” Hoseok smiles brightly. “But it's not always pricey gifts, she often takes us on vacations or we just spend time together” Jin ads with a big smile.

The next thing is you opening the door to your apartment. Your cameraman stays outside ready to film your leave with the boys. Mocca meows loudly at your arrival Mommy! Welcome back flies across the screen. You're quick to pick her up and kiss her head as you leave to your dressing room. You sit her down on the couch placed inside the room before you take your jacket off and put a big black hoodie on. Then you leave to the kitchen and place plates and cutlery on the big dining table. Then you place some mugs and glasses on the table and the bought food. After that you take out your books. You place them on the kitchen isle as the doorbell rings.

With fast steps you open the door to seven smiling men “Y/N-noona!” Jungkook cheers as he embraces you in a bone crushing hug. “Jungkook-ah!” you smile as you hug him back. You give them some space as you take mocca into your arms. “Jungkook! Would you please go to the table, make sure that Jaehee doesn't snatch something off it?” he nods and leaves immediately. You help the rest after you hand Jimin Mocca with the jackets and stuff. "Jimin-ah, you look handsome today!" you smile and he thanks you with a shy thank you

Then you leave to the kitchen with them. “Coffee?” Jin, Yoongi and Jungkook shoot their hands up. “Really Jungkook? I have some banana milk left” you say smirking as you pour the coffee into the mugs. He smiles sheepishly “Really?” you nod and pour the banana milk into his mug. As you take your seat Namjoon pours you some juice and Hoseok gives you a roll. “Did you hear that we are practicing together today?” Namjoon asks and you nod “We are practicing the mama award performance today. I already spoke with the company and we are going to link our performances together to make it as iconic as possible” you smile. “With a dance break and stuff?” you nod “I thought about singing each others song, a epic dance break and some next level combined show” They smile happily.

“So do you plan the shows yourself now?” Jo Kwon asks curiously. “No not on my own but I put my ideas in a lot. It took very long for my mind to pass their will!” he nods and the show continues.

“Let's get going” They agree and you all get going. Mocca protests with continuous meowing “Mocca, baby. Stop” you hug her tightly as you give her pecks. Don't leave me mommy hovers over her head. Jungkook holds you while you put your shoes on because, what's balance. Jaehee jumps onto your back but Taehyung snatches her off and puts her onto the floor after petting her. “Let's gogo” you smile.

You leave to the parking lot. There you have three cars you regularly use, the others are at your parents place. “Chose” you smile. Jungkook is fast to chose the pretty BMW bus you use to take big things such as dresses and stuff to events but taking friends with you is easier in this one too. You smile and jump into the car. You start the car and drive out of the parking spot without a problem. Before you started the car you linked the car with your spotify. “Play Playlist number 2” you speak to your car and Jungkook looks surprised next to you. She talks with the car! “Playlist number 2 will be played” the car responds and suddenly your favourite bts song magic shop plays. Namjoon groans almost. “Oh come on Joonie it's a great song” you laugh.

You hit the high notes effortlessly as you drive the car elegantly. A real life princess stays written underneath your face as there hovers a animated crown above your head.

You drive into the parking lot of the company. There you park your car and leave with the boys to the practice room. “Good Morning Y/N. Can we start with you today?” Lucas, the choreographer asks and you nod with a smile. “Sure” you put your stuff down as the boys place themselves on the further part of the room to watch. Lucas gives you a mic and you get ready with some stretching. Your limbs crack and you're ready to start. Your character switches and your gaze changes completely. Within seconds you're dancing and singing. Then you're managing the dance break on your own, without backup dancers and the boys are stunned.

“That was great Y/N” you smile A true performer The boys take over with stunned looks. They perform their part with you cheering like a crazy fan. The choreographer shows you some things you would be able to do together.

“For the dance break I thought about some acrobatic elements. Jimin could start off with some Ballet like dance joined by Y/N” you nod with Jimin happily throwing an arm over your shoulder.

Jo Kwon looks at you with wide eyes “You can do Ballet?” you laugh as you nod “I learned it as a kid but I've never perfected it like I did with my current dance style” Jo Kwon nods “I'm so excited!” Jaesuk smiles brightly “I've always liked your dancing”

Lucas takes you and Jimin to the front of the room and shows you what he was thinking of. “So, Y/N, you're going to come up here and Jimin, you from there. When the music starts I want you two to jump at each other and intertwine your arms. Y/N you'll stay on Jimin like this” He shows you the figure he means. You try your best to not hurt Jimin in the process. He looks at you concentrated as you try your best to stay on your foot which is still connected to the floor to take your weight off of Jimin. “You can lean on me” he whispers, without the mics it wouldn't have been able to be heard.

You smile and do as he says. “That's it” Lucas cheers and you clap. “That looks so pretty” Jae Suk smiles and you pat his shoulder smiling.

Two pretty people doing pretty stuff.

“Let's go get lunch!” a staff-unnie announces and you're fast to run off to the door but you don't see the bag laying right in your way so you fall to the floor with a loud thumb. “Y/N!” Lucas rushes to your small form. “Are you okay, noona?” Taehyung asks as he tries to help you up. “I hit my knee” you whisper as Lucas picks you up. And suddenly tears emerge from your eyes. The dam breaks A habit you were never able to get rid off. You cry like..always. Any inconvenience or bit of pain gets you to cry.

You cry in Lucas arms as he carries you to the couch located in the room. “Ah, Y/N. It's fine, you're not hurt badly” Lucas tries his best to calm you. Jungkook makes his way to you, kneeling in front of you. “Noona, look!” he catches your attention and the painful feeling in your chest stills for a moment. drawing the attentions helps! There on his phone is a dog. Just a plain picture of a dog and you love it.

It breaks the crying and you're able to think straight again.

“God, Y/N. You cry so easily” Jae Suk says making you nod mildly embarrassed. “I don't know why, but I cry really easily. When someone yells at me it doesn't even take me a minute to break into tears.” You sigh but Namjoon is fast to wrap his arms around you. “Everybody reacts differently in certain situations. Jimin cries really easily as well, as for Yoongi, he cries rarely. That's diversity” He defends you. You give him a small smile and pat his arm.

The show continues with a small laugh from you. “Feel better yet?” Kook smiles and you nod. Jimin pats your head and you lean into him “Let's get lunch” you nod and get up after Jin hands you a tissue. A staff member offers you a glass of water and you take it with a small thank you. With slow steps you and the boys leave to the cafeteria. Food for the hurt baby sounds good followed by a pacifier edited to your mouth.

“Does it still hurt?” asks the cameraman and you shake your head laughing. “I'm okay, thank you for asking”

As you arrive at the cafeteria, you take a seat next to Jimin and Jin. “What do you want, Y/N-noona?” Jungkook asks waiting for the orders of everyone. “Chicken and a glass of orange juice, please” you answer him and he nods. “So, everything's okay again?” Namjoon asks, sitting across of you. You nod smiling a little “Everything's okay”

“It's so embarrassing to be honest. ugh” you almost laugh. Jae Suk smiles understanding.

“It's not such a big deal, we understand you” Jo Kwon laughs.

Jungkook comes back with the plate and nods at you encouraging you to eat. With a stuffy nose you take a bite of a nugget and the others start talking. You phone vibrates and you take a look trying to sip from your drink at the same time.

Your manager-unnie texted you just now Grab the boys, the try ons for the mama stage outfits is ready up in the second dance practice room!

“We need to go to check our stage outfits” you announce and catch their attention. You grab two more chicken nuggets and leave with them.

Let's have a fashion show started.

And suddenly the end of the episode emerges. Check out bts & y/n trying on their stage outfits and new stuff surrounding their lives. Until then Army & Y/F/N!

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tahanismoved · 5 years ago

Text

mmhm, also this!

[funky 90’s beat and cityscape pan]

[singing] ♬ New in town,

[John Mulaney jumps out of apartment with rolled up papers]

♬ John Mulaney’s New In Town…

[John tries to put mustard on his hot dog and dramatically squirts his shirt]

♬ He’s spilling mustard on his shirt,

[John is in an office setting and comically drops an armful of rolled papers]

♬ He’s got some papers to deliver, but oh no!

[Switches to shot of a newspaper that reads “John Mulaney is a Great Architect” and John does an “all right!” motion with his fist”]

♬ He’s successful, and he’s got so many crazy friends!

[A black man carrying a small Asian man walk into the shot. Yellow serifed lettering reads “WITH “POUNDCAKE” WALKER & MICHAEL ITZOFF”]

[John exasperatedly rolls his eyes, puffs his cheeks, and lowers his arms in front of him]

♬ Ooh, new in town, John Mulaney’s New In Town!

[Pans in to a New York apartment building]

(low narrator voice) New In Town was filmed in front of a live studio audience.

[Fades into the actual stage and the crowd is cheering while upbeat music plays]

[John walks on stage with a cartoonish grin and picks up his microphone with a flourish]

Hi! Hi! Hello!

[crowd continues to cheer]

Hi! Hahaha, how are you? Thank you, that’s very nice of you, thank you.

[cheering fades away]

Thank you very much. Thank you very much. That’s so nice of you, I hope you’re having a good week, thank you for being here! I, uh, am doing well myself. In a couple days I’m gonna turn 29 years old and I’m very excited about that. I was hoping, uh, by now that I would look older but that didn’t happen.

[light audience laughter]

I don’t look older, I just look worse, I think. Honestly, when I’m walking down the street, no one’s ever like, “Hey, look at that man!” I think they’re just like “Whoa! That tall child looks terrible!” [slowly turns head with shocked expression to pantomime someone looking at him walk by] [audience laughter] “Get some rest, tall child! You can’t keep burning the candle at both ends!”

You ever seen on “America’s Most Wanted” when they age a photo of someone? Just take my kindergarten photo and yellow the teeth and put bags under the eyes and be like “This is what he would look like now” [puts hand in front of him as though he were showing someone a picture]

[audience laughs]

I was a very nervous kid, I was very anxious all the time when I was younger. But what’s nice is that… some of the things I was anxious about don’t bother me at all anymore. Like, uhhh, I always thought that, uh, quicksand was gonna be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be.

[audience laughter]

Because if you watch cartoons, quicksand is like the third biggest thing you have to worry about in adult life, behind real sticks of dynamite [holds up one finger] and giant anvils falling on you from the sky [holds arms slightly away from body and looks up]

I used to sit around and think about what to do about quicksand! I never thought about how to handle real problems in adult life. I was never like, “Oh, what’s it gonna be like when relatives ask to borrow money?” [audience laughs]

[John turns head sharply to the side] Now I’ve gotten older, and not only have I never stepped in quicksand, I’ve never even heard about it! No one’s ever been like, [slight Brooklyn accent] “Ey, if you’re comin’ to visit, take I-90 ‘cause I-95 has a little quicksand in the middle. [moves hand in circular motion] Looks like regular sand, but then you’re gonna start to sink into it.” [lowers hand to gesture sinking]

[audience laughs]

I was nervous all the time, but I had a good family, I have wonderful parents. A lot of guys my age I’ll hear them say this, they’ll go, [slightly lower and slurred voice] “Every day I think I’m becoming more like my dad”. I think I’m becoming more like my mom? Because I- I was watching that show “Access Hollywood” and one of the reporters said, [switches mike to other hand and imitates facial expression and voice of a reporter and bobbles head while speaking] “Up next, we’ve got an exclusive interview with Sandra Bullock’s former husband Jessie James,” and out loud, I went, [slightly higher and harsher voice] “Euch! This oughta be good!”

[audience laughs and John nods curtly]

That’s pure mom.

[a little more audience laughter]

My parents are both lawyers, they are BOTH lawyers, and sometimes they would be like lawyers with us when we were kids. I remember one time I was in bed, and my dad came in and he said “Good night, John! Did you brush your teeth?” and I said, “Yes”, But here’s the thing. [light audience laughter] [John smiles mischievously] I hadn’t.

[quickly turns head with serious expression] But who cares? I didn’t have, like, a job interview or anything. So my dad comes back and in a couple minutes holding my toothbrush [raises his arm up by his head as though holding a toothbrush] He says, “John, is this your toothbrush?” and I said “Yes”, and he said, [moves hand with emphasis with every word] “So we agree that this is your toothbrush?”

[audience laughs]

But he said, “John this toothbrush is [looks down and looks up quickly] bone-dry.” Yea, like he looked down and he said [looks down and looks up quickly] “bone-dry”. [audience laughs]

He said, “You lied to me!” and I said “Dad, [holds up a finger] I did not lie, I said that I brushed my teeth, I never specified that I brushed my teeth tonight! [points to the side slightly behind him] And if the court reporter reads back my remarks, you will see that I did not perjure myself.”

My mom’s also a lawyer, she was a different kind of lawyer with us when we were kids. My mom was more like Nancy Grace. She would just make wild accusations all day long and wait for something to stick. [audience laughs]

My mom would blame me for things that happened on the news. [dramatically turns head to the side while smiling] That is true.

I woke up one morning when I was a kid and my mom was standing over my bed and said, [vibrates head dramatically on italicized words and speaks in a slightly higher and more frantic voice] “I just heard that Princess Diana and her lover Dodi Al-Fayed have been killed in Paris”

[turns on his heel and takes a couple steps to the side]

Like I had something to do with it! I was like, [defensive tone] “Mom, I have been here all night. You can feel the TV, it’s warm.” Luckily, I had a good alibi since I was in Wisconsin and 12.

[audience laughter]

My brothers and sisters and I had this babysitter named Veronica when we were kids, and I was [hushed tone] in love with her. I was in love with Veronica. She would babysit us on Saturday nights.

[return to normal volume] And in my head, when I was a little kid, I thought that Veronica was like 25, 30 years old. I was just talking to my mom the other week, I found out that when I was 10 Veronica was 13.

[audience laughs as John wears a confused expression]

So why was she in charge? All she could do was dial the telephone a little better than I could.

13 when I’m 10? That’s just like hiring a slightly bigger child. That would be like if you’re going out of town for the week and you paid a horse to watch your dog.

[audience laughter]

Like, [turns head as though looking up and a horse and holds out hand as though holding a piece of paper] “All right, here is the number where we’ll be, [maintains eye contact with imaginary horse and moves hand to gesture lower to the side] and here’s where we keep the dog food, [moves hand up to pet imaginary horse] and you’re a horse.” [audience laughs] [John continues to move arm in dramatic sweeping motion to show petting the body of a horse] [hushes horse] “Shh shh shh shh shh, shh shh shh, shh shh”

[turns towards audience and lowers arm] Why do people do that? People always shush animals. They’ll go, [mimes petting a large animal] [speaks in soft voice] “Hey, shh shh shh…” [turns sharply to face audience with a cheeky expression and bobbles head, speaking in a matter-of-fact high pitched voice] They’ve never spoken.

[as the audience laughs, John walks slowly to the side]

I always wanted to live in New York when I was a kid, I’m so excited that I get to live in New York. I saw New York City in a movie when I was a kid, it was called Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. It is a sequel, [audience starts clapping] Yeah, how about that movie? [audience laughs lightly]

It was a sequel to the movie Home Alone.

[starts speaking in a hushed tone] I remember in that movie — oh, the kid in Home Alone 2. He gets into a stretch limousine on 5th avenue with a large cheese pizza and I thought, [turns head upwards and outstretches arm and yells] “THIS IS THE HEIGHT OF LUXURY!!”

[light audience laughter]

Now I live in New York and I’m psyched, [turns head to the side with dubious expression] but that is a stupid movie title. [turns head sharply] Lost in New York? The streets are numbered. How’d you get lost in New York?

[turns head with condescending expression and tone of voice] I know it’s kind of stupid to complain about a movie that came out 17 years ago, but I wasn’t a comedian back then. So I have to do it now. I wish I’d been. I wish I’d been a Def Jam comic when that movie came out. [aggressively] I would have torn it to pieces! Be like, [imitates a “ghetto” manner of speaking and voice with increased volume and paces back and forth quickly] “You seen this shit? You seen this Home Alone 2: Lost in New York shit? It’s a grid system, motherfucker! [audience laughs] [John raises his eyebrows and whips his head to the side and begins speaking more rapidly] Where you at? 24th and 5th? Where you wanna go? 35th and 6th? 11 up and 1 over, you simple bitch!!”

[audience laughs and applauds]

[John returns to his normal voice and demeanor and raises an arm in a sweeping motion]

That’d be my big joke. That’d be the closer. If I was a Def Jam comic when that movie came out. [weakly holds up a finger] But alas, I was not.

[turns head after every comma] I think the bullying that young people have to go through now is really rough, I really sympathize, ‘cause I was bullied when I was a kid. When I was in grade school, I was bullied for being Asian-American. Aaaand, the biggest problem with that… is that I am not Asian-American. [presses lips together tightly]

[light audience laughter]

But when I was younger, [turns head quickly and says while laughing] and this is absolutely true, people thought that I might be Asian-American. [turns head with serious expression and holds his hand at eye level] I have pretty thin eyes, I had very thin eyes when I was a little kid [sweeps hand down from top of head to eyebrow then moves it straight horizontally] and I had straight black hair that I wore in a bowl cut. And from the ages of 3 to 8, people thought that I might be a young Chinese person.

On the first day that he met me, the guy that is now my best friend — he met me the first day of kindergarten — he went home that night and said, “Papa, today I met a boy with no eyes.” [audience laughs] [John smirks and sways his head with swagger] And that was me.

Kids would make fun of me in middle school. Kids would call me a “china man”, which of the racial slurs has got to be the laziest. [audience laughs] That is just pushing two words together, [dramatically shakes head with eyes closed] no work was done there.

[speaks in an incredulous tone] It was very confusing to me because I’m not Chinese, no one in my family is remotely Asian. I mean, we take our shoes off when we come inside, but that was more of a carpeting thing that anything else. [light audience laughter]

Here’s how bad it got, though… I remember when I was in junior high, we had this music appreciation class that we never appreciated. And they took us to hear some classical music once at a symphony orchestra. So we go to a symphony orchestra. In one of these classical pieces, there is a moment where they [pantomimes hitting something with his arm] bang a gong, and every time they banged the gong, all the kids sitting in front of me would stand up, turn to me, [places hands together and bows deeply] and bow like that. [audience laughs] Which is some racist-ass bullshit, but also [turns head with impressed expression] incredibly well coordinated for a group of 13-year-olds.

13-year-olds are the meanest people in the world. They terrify me to this day. If I’m on the street on like a Friday at 3 PM [moves hand with emphasis on each word] and I see a group of 8th graders on one side of the street [points to the side and then dramatically moves point towards the audience] I will cross to the other side of the street. [moves pointing finger with emphasis on each word] Because 8th graders will make fun of you, [changes point into an “okay” with his hand and continues to move it for emphasis] but in an accurate way.

[speaks with a spiteful tone and expression] They will get to the thing that you don’t like about you. They don’t even need to look at you for long, they’ll just be like, [uses high obnoxious voice and shuts eyes while doing a goofy dance] “Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! [sharply turns to side and points with alert and mocking expression] Hey, look at that high-waisted man! He got feminine hips!”

And I’m like, [John moves to side where he was pointing and screams in a high but gravelly voice while shutting eyes tightly and moving fist and upper body down in unison for emphasis] “No!! That’s the thing I’m sensitive about!!!!” [audience laughs] [John straightens up and turns to the side and pouts]

[John returns to regular demeanor and expression and paces the stage in silence for a moment, smiling at the audience occasionally]

When I was a boy, I was also confused with a woman sometimes over the phone, because before I went through puberty, I had a voice like a [stands up on tip toes and makes voice slightly higher] little flute! [audience laughs]

I was once on the telephone with Blockbuster Video, which is a very old-fashioned sentence. And — [audience laughs] It is! I was on the telephone with Blockbuster Video… that’s like when your gram would be like [narrows eyes and covers upper teeth with his lip while bending over slightly, yelling in a high obnoxious voice] “We’d all go play jacks down at the soda fountain!” [turns to the other side] and you’re like, [holds hand out in exasperation and narrows eyes while bending over slightly while yelling in a rude manner and shaking head slightly while speaking] “No one knows what you’re talking about, you IDIOT.”

[John straightens up and audience laughs]

[looks an audience member in the eye] You know how you talk to your grandma? [turns and holds up hand at about shoulder height] So… [John freezes his pose for a moment while waiting for audience to finish laughing] [lowers hand to side and turns slowly] I was on the phone with Blockbuster, and I’d called them a couple of times in one day to ask about a movie, and I called for a third time. I said, [holds up hand to ear to pantomime holding a telephone and speaks in a very high nervous voice] “Hey, yeah, I-I was just calling to see if you had Addams Family Values yet,” [returns to normal demeanor] and the guy at Blockbuster went, [holds up other hand to pantomime a telephone and speaks in a very low aggressive gravelly voice while shaking head and hand for emphasis] “Hey lady! I’ll tell you when we get Addams Family Values!!”

[returns to normal demeanor] But look, I wasn’t offended as a boy being confused with a lady, I was offended as a lady who was getting pushed around by this chauvinist asshole that works at [mockingly] Blockbuster video, talking to me like I’m some floozy… [with confidence] I am a proud Asian-American woman [audience laughs] and you will treat me with respect! [audience applause] I am a tiger mom!

[turns towards audience with dramatically serious expression and tone of voice] Now when people make fun of me, I deserve it. Uhh, I do. [nods] When people get mad at me now, it’s my fault, when people get mad at me on the highway that’s all my bad, I’m a terrible driver, I know nothing about cars. [regretful] I meant to learn about cars, and then I forgot. [audience laughs lightly]

Nothing that I know can help you with your car ever. Unless you’re like, uh, [turns head side to side as though looking for someone while pointing behind him with his thumb] “Hey I’ve got a flat tire, does anyone here know a lot about The Cosby Show?” and then I could be like [hunches over slightly and walks with swagger with a comically “mature expression” and low voice] “Oh, perhaps I could be of some assistance.”

I’m one of the worst drivers I’ve ever seen, and I just want you all to know that if you’re ever on the highway behind me, uh, [colloquial yet condescending tone] I hear you honking and I also don’t want me to be doing what I’m doing. [audience laughs] I don’t like that I’m in that lane either, and I sure would like to get out of it! [audience laughs]

I was on the highway in Texas recently which was like a highway filled with 13-year-olds. [uses hand to represent his car and slides it to his left] And I was in the far left lane and then it turned into a U-turn only lane and I started to make a U-turn [turns hand inwards] [begins speaking rapidly and with urgency while shaking head] but then I panicked because I didn’t wanna make a U-turn! So I put the car in reverse [pulls hand back to where it previously was] and then merged right back onto the highway [turns hand to his right and pushes it forward] [returns hand to microphone]

The best thing about that was that after that, cars were pulling up and [turns head to side while pantomiming steering a car] looking over to see who just did that piece of shit move, [audience laughs] expecting to see like [straightens up and speaks with emphasis] a 100-year-old blind dog who’s texting while driving and drinking a smoothie, instead they see a 28-year-old healthy man trying his best. [audience laughs and claps lightly]

It’s wrong to make fun of people, you know, but it’s so fun sometimes. [voice becomes increasingly low and hushed as sentence goes on] I’ve written for some TV shows, and, you know, on a major TV show you have to be careful about what you say about people ‘cause a lot of people get offended, or so it has been explained to me.

I was once — I’ll tell you this, I was writing for an awards show once, and I got into some trouble. I wrote a joke for this awards show that had the word “midget” in it. And someone from the network came down to our offices and he said to me, “Hey, you can’t put the word midget on TV,” and I said [turns head and gestures to himself with his hand] “I sure would like to!” And he said, [turns to the other side and points finger and speaks more aggressively] “No! ‘Midget’ is as bad as the ‘n’-word.”

[turns head towards audience] First off, no. [audience laughs and John chuckles] No, it’s not! “Do you know how I know it’s not,” I said to him, “is because [gestures back and forth to himself and the imaginary other person] we’re saying the word ‘midget’, and we’re not even saying what the ‘n’-word is! If you’re comparing the badness of two words, and you won’t even say one of them… [nods head with energy] that’s the worse word.” [audience laughs]

[accusatory and incredulous tone] Also, I don’t mean to gloss over what, like, little people have been through in this country, but you cannot compare the plight of midgets to African-Americans. That is outrageous! Midgets were never enslaved, [widens eyes and uses a dramatic tone] unless you count the Wonka factory! [audience laughs]

So we get into this argument, we’re going back and forth, he goes [points and speaks sternly] “You can’t put that word on TV,” [turns to face other side and points while whining] and I said, “I want to,” and he said [outstretches pointing arm and moves it for emphasis] “If you put that word on TV, there could be a protest of midgets on this building!” [turns dramatically and leans over] and I said, “Promise?” [audience laughs] How tempting would that be?

I don’t mean to complain about censorship at all though, because as you probably have seen by now, you can basically say whatever you want on television. It’s ridiculous. You can say anything you want! And if you don’t believe me, you should watch a little program called Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. [audience applause] Yeah. A show that I LOVE, because on that show you can say the grossest things you’ve ever heard in your life. No, you can’t say like the “f”-word, you can’t say that on Special Victims Unit, but people walk around on SVU going like, [walks to one end of the stage and quickly turns on his heel and walks with purpose while looking at the audience and imitating Ice-T] “Looks like the victim had anal contusions. [audience laughs] [points over his shoulder with this thumb] Yo, looks like we found semen and fecal matter in the victim’s ear canal.” [audience laughs]

Those are two real things that I heard on Law & Order: SVU at 3 in the afternoon, [audience laughter] both spoken by Ice-T. [audience laughs and John laughs as well, causing his voice to crack] Ice-T is a detective with the special victims unit, he handles New York’s most sensitive cases.

I love Ice-T on SVU. He is fantastic, he’s awesome. What’s so great about him is that he’s been with the SVU for like, mmm, 11 years now, but he still treats every case like it’s his first in terms of total confusion. [light audience laughter and John chuckles] Sometimes they’ll be in the middle of an investigation and Ice-T will be like, [impersonates Ice-T and wears a skeptical expression while darting eyes side to side] “Yo, you telling me this dude gets off on little girls with pigtails?” It’s like, [condescendingly] “Yeah, Ice. [tightens lips and nods] He’s a pedophile. You work in the sex crimes division. You’re gonna have to get used to that.”

[looks at front row audience] You know how they try and tie in, like, current events to every episode of SVU? [looks up] So there was this episode I saw a while ago that was about sex addiction, ‘cause a lot of celebrities have come out as sex addicts. So the episode’s about sex addiction. There is a scene in the episode where the other detectives are trying to teach Ice-T what sex addiction is, [with emphasis] and it takes a couple of minutes. [audience laughs]

And finally, Ice-T gets it, [sharply jars upper body backwards while framing his face with a hand] and they cut to him in this close-up and he goes, [darts eyes side to side while impersonating Ice-T] “Oh, I get it. [looks straight on with wide eyes] You mean like when someone drinks too much, or snorts cocaine, or bets the house on the ponies?”

[nods while smiling and speaks in a amiable tone] I was like, “Yeah you got it, man.” [audience laughter] And I was psyched that Ice-T understood so that they could continue with the investigation, but I could’ve watched another four hours of Ice-T just naming examples. [sharply jars hand up to frame his face] Just that close-up and Ice-T like, [impersonates Ice-T with a wide-eyed expression, looking side to side after each sentence] “Or like when some smokes too many cigarettes? Or like when someone shops too much with credit cards? Or like when someone plays too many scratchy lotteries? Or like when someone eats too much chocolate cake? Or like when someone eats too much chocolate cake and then barfs it up?”

[makes talking motion with hand] And he would just keep talking and it would slowly fade out and say [flicks hand forward] “Executive Producer: Dick Wolf.” [audience applause] That’d be my ideal episode. That’d be a good one.

I saw this SVU a little while ago, I saw this episode of SVU, and Dean Cain was a rapist… [suddenly looks surprised and holds up hand with a defensive explanatory tone] ON THE SHOW. [audience laughs] And there was a scene where they do a line-up with Dean Cain and four other guys and they bring in this woman who’s gonna look at the line-up, and it’s her behind the glass and they open the curtain [pantomimes opening a curtain] and she’s standing with the two other detectives. [hushed tone] And I knew she wasn’t gonna say this, but part of me was hoping she would just be like… [squints and looks back and forth from towards the audience and to the side with a puzzled expression] “Is that… Dean Cain? [audience laughs] [John points towards the audience and nods before turning towards the side again while nodding] Fucking Dean Cain? [shrugs and nods] That’s pretty cool.”

I also watch this show called Cold Case Files. On Cold Case Files, they solve old murders, and it’s really interesting ‘ cause what I learned from it is that it was really easy to get away with murder before they knew about DNA. It was ridiculously easy. Like, what was even going on back then? What was a murder investigation like in 1935?? One cop would just walk in and be like, [speaks sharply with an old-timey accent] “Detective! [points over his shoulder with his thumb] We found a pool of the killer’s blood in that hallway!” and he would just be like [low voice] “Hmmm… gross! [audience laughter] Mop it up. Now then, back to my hunch… [holds chin with hand and looks around the floor] Hmmmmmm…. Look for clues. [stands up straight and looks into the audience with a confident expression and speaks with purpose] I’ll tell you what we’ll do! [chuckles] We’ll draw chalk around the body is. That way, [narrows eyes and looks side to side and speaks with a suspicious tone] we’ll know where it was…” [audience laughs]

A couple years ago, I saw this movie called Public Enemies with Johnny Depp, it was about old bank robbers and stuff. Here’s how easy it was to get away with bank robbery back in the 30’s. As long as you weren’t still there when the police arrived, you had a 99% chance of getting away with it. To the point that, like, those old bank robbers, they take credit for the bank robberies! Like, they come running out of there and they’re like [jumps up and squats while pretending to hold a gun, speaking in an old-timey accent] “Ha ha ha! And if anyone asks, you tell em it was Golden Joe and the Suggins Gang!” [pantomimes shooting to the side with his imaginary gun] And then they like shoot “Suggins” into the side of the wall. It’s like, what, were bullets free back then? And they don’t even disguise themselves! [stands on tiptoes for emphasis] They dress up for the bank robbery. They’re rolling in there in, like, [walks a few steps with swagger] big suits and hats like they’re going to church in Atlanta. They make a day of it! [audience laughter and applause]

[John walks around for a while, steps over his microphone cord and looks into a camera] [mumbles to the crowd while gesturing to the camera] I don’t know about that. [camera moves side to side] [John laughs nervously] Oh ho ho! Oh good, it has a mind of its own. [camera moves up and down] [audience laughs] That’s very reassuring. No, no no no… [John walks away from the camera] I don’t like robots… [waggles finger by his head] thinking of things. [audience laughs, and John paces for a moment]

[looks himself over] Hope you don’t mind that I dressed up. It was my first communion today so I decided to come right from it. [audience laughs] I was a very good first communicant.

Thank you for coming to this show by the way, I really do appreciate you coming to a thing because you didn’t have to, and it’s really easy not to go to things. [light audience laughter] It is so much easier not to do things than to do them, that you would do anything is totally remarkable. [audience laughs] Percentage-wise, it is 100% easier not to do things than to do them. [slowly turns head with excited expression] And so much fun not to do them! Especially when you are supposed to do them. In terms of, like, instant relief, cancelling plans is like heroin. [audience laughs] It is an amazing feeling. Such instant joy.

Kids don’t like that. Kids always wanna do stuff. Kids get angry, they go, [mockingly high and whiney voice] “Aw, we didn’t do anything ALL DAY.” You ever ask an adult what they did over the weekend and they say they didn’t do anything, their faces light up. Be like, “What’d you do this weekend?” [puts hand on hip and looks down and speaks softly] “I, um, I did nothing. [looks up with bright expression] I did nothing at all. [looks down] Did we do anything? [looks back up with epiphanic joy] No, I didn’t do anything.” [light audience laughter]

People especially don’t wanna do their jobs. I’ve found that out recently too. I have a friend named Megan, she’s an elementary school teacher and I was out with her one night and she was drinking like a monster. And I said to her, [holds out arm and looks to the side with a confused expression and an accusatory tone] “Don’t you have to do a shift at school tomorrow?” And she went, [closes his eyes and slurs his words] “Ahh, I’ll just show a video.” And I was like, [shocked but excited expression] “That’s why teachers show videos?” [audience laughs] She said this, she goes, [closes eyes and slurs] “Yeah, I don’t wanna work!” And I was like, “You know the kids don’t wanna work either” and she was like [closes eyes and slurs] “Good!” [pantomimes taking a shot]

I, uh, really do — I was psyched to do it in New York. Uhh, I’m really happy to live here and was glad that we could do it in New York City. And, uh, I’m not sure how you all got here tonight, um, but I did wanna say this, I’ve never been, uh, killed by hit men so I don’t know what it’s like in the moments just before you’re killed by hit men, but I bet it’s not unlike when you’re on the subway and you realize that a mariachi band is about to start playing. [audience laughs] Just that brief moment where you’re reading and you’re like [looks up from imaginary book with a pleasant expression and tone] “Oh, a guitar player. [looks down and then back up] Oh, another guitar player. [looks down and then back up] Oh, an accordion player — [expression changes to a cartoon-like dread and surprise and he speaks in dramaticised slow motion] OOOHH NNNOOOOO” [audience applauds] [John begins imitating mariachi music] [sings with a slightly slurred and lower voice] ♬ This is the loudest thing in the world! [audience laughs]

[low and almost mumbling] Uh, I was really excited a lot of people, uh, showed up. They told me that it was a big theater and I thought that no one would come. So thank you for coming. I wanted to, like, take ads out in the paper. Like, be — you know, do something to a tot so I get in the New York Post or something. [light audience laughter]

Uhh, the New York Post is my favorite newspaper. I think it’s great, I read it every day. I like reading the New York Post because reading the New York Post is like talking to someone who heard the news, and now they’re trying to give you the gist. [audience laughter and applause] It’s like, you’d get the same amount of information if you grabbed someone on the street and you were like, [pantomimes grabbing someone by the shoulders and shaking them violently, yells shrilly] “WHAT HAPPENED TODAY?” and they’re like, [throws arms out with a shocked expression and speaks in a low voice with a New York accent] “There’s a perv in Queens!” You’d be like, [pantomimes tipping a hat] “All right, thank you.” [audience laughs]

Or rather, it’s like someone read a better newspaper and now they’re trying to text you everything they can remember. [moves thumb to pantomime texting] [audience laughs and John chuckles] Doesn’t have to be right, just has to be short. I really do love the Post, I read it a lot and there’s a hierarchy in the New York Post. Uh, different people that they like [gestures hand up at head level] and different people that they don’t like. [gestures hand down at waist level] Uh, and if you pay attention, [moves hand down from head to waist level in segments] you can start to identify some of the rankings that they have.

Um, the number one thing that you can be [holds hand up and head level] in the eyes of the New York Post is an angel. An angel is a child who has died. That is the best thing that you can be in the eyes of the New York Post. The less amount of time you live, the better… in the eyes of the Post.

After that, [moves hand slightly lower] under an angel is a hero. [lowers arm to his side] A hero is any man who does his job. [audience laughs] You’ll a lot of times see headlines that are like, [announcer voice] “Hero Tutor Teaches After School,” and you’re like [shrugs and uses a low voice] “Yeah.” [shrugs] [audience laughs]

[holds up hand at chest level] Down towards the bottom of the spectrum, there are pervs. Pervs touch tots, [moves hand slightly higher] tots are angels who haven’t died yet. [audience laughs] [points behind him] There are no children in the eyes of the New York Post. [chuckles] You’re either a tot [points next to him at shoulder level] or you’re dead and you’re an angel. [points next to him at head level]

[turns on his heels toward audience and holds up a finger] I did leave one out, sorry. [turns back towards his imaginary chart and gestures from chest level to slightly higher] Above perv is a bozo. [audience laughs] A bozo is any man who cheats on his wife. [bobbles head and speaks out the corner of his mouth with an old-timey accent] That guy’s a bozo! [audience laughs]

I remember seeing a headline when Tiger Woods cheated on his wife and it says [mocking announcer voice] “Tiger says he’s sorry, but Elin says [turns sharply and speaks with emphasis] ‘Beat it, bozo!’” [audience laughs] No, she did not. [audience laughter] She is from another country. And even if she was from this country, no one has said “bozo” in 1,000 years. Who was your source on that, New York Post? Some tiny old lady that chain smokes all day long? They met her in a parking garage and they were like [squats down and speaks with excitement] “Madge, give us the scoop! What did Elin say to Tiger?” [turns and squats lower, pantomiming smoking a cigarette while squinting and speaking in a low gravelly voice] “Eh, she told him to ‘beat it, bozo.’” [audience laughs and John straightens himself up]

I’m feeling good tonight though, I got a massage recently. Went to a spa to get a massage, [chuckles] I went into the room to get the massage and the woman there told me to undress to my comfort level. Those were her words, she said, [bends over slightly and speaks in a gentle feminine voice while doing a “calm down” motion with his hand] “I’m gonna leave the room, you undress to your comfort level.” [quickly straightens up and turns] So I put on a sweater and a pair of corduroy pants, and I felt safe. [light audience laughter]

I’m trying to, in general, take better care of myself. I’m trying to stop smoking, I’ve smoked since I was 13 years old. I started when I was 13 years old ‘cause I stole 2 cigarettes [holds up two fingers] from my older sister and I hid them in a shoebox under my bed with a copy of Cosmopolitan Magazine. [light audience laughter] And one day, my mom cleaned under my bed, and she [hushed voice] found the shoebox. I came home from school and my mom was standing there holding it and she said, [pantomimes holding a box and stares forward with an accusatory look and speaks with a loud sharp voice] “Hey mister! I found your treasure!” [audience laughs]

[waggles his finger] And I never liked the way she phrased that, you know, ‘cause that made me sound like the world’s lamest pirate. Like, a guy whose treasure chest is two cigarettes and a woman’s magazine. [audience laughs] And my dad came home from work, and my mom told my dad that she had cleaned under my bed and found a shoebox with two cigarettes and a Cosmopolitan to which prompted my dad to ask, [low deadpan voice] “How does John know how to make a cosmopolitan?” [audience laughs]

I’m trying to eat better. I was out to lunch with a friend and I got a chicken sandwich and the waitress said to me, [light casual voice] “Oh, you’re getting a chicken sandwich! Well that comes with a choice of either salad or fries.” Those were the choices — salad or fries, the two most different foods in the universe. [light audience laughter] That’s like saying, “What kinda day do you wanna have? [raises arm to side] Do you wanna be active and go to the bathroom and stuff, or [gestures to the ground] do you wanna lay on the floor moaning?” [audience laughs] [mockingly casually] “Oh, you’re getting a chicken sandwich? Well with that, you can either [gestures fingers as though counting] go for a jog or smoke crack cocaine.” [audience laughs lightly] [mockingly light and slightly feminine] “Oh, huh, well… [moves hand in circular motion to gesture to imaginary table] if I get a plate of crack for the table, [outstretches hand to imaginary person] would you have some? You’d have crack if I got a plate of crack? Yeah, okay, yeah we’ll take an order of crack.” [light audience laughter]

[suddenly turns and speaks with purpose] Sometimes when people order fries, [playfully] they act like it’s a little adventure. They’ll be like, [turns to side and speaks in a feminine voice] “Should we get a plate of fries for the table? [looks side to side] Should we do it? Should we-should we share some fries? [nods] [returns to normal demeanor and turns toward audience] They gotta make sure that everyone’s onboard with it, it’s like [outstretches arm to gesture to imaginary table and returns to feminine voice] “If I get fries, you’ll have a couple, right? If I get fries for the table, you’ll have — [bats hand at imaginary person and speaks playfully] I know you’ll have fries if I get fries — should we do it? Yeah, let’s be bad! C’mon, let’s do it, all right, [looks up and behind as though speaking to a waiter, speaks with confidence] we’re gonna take a plate of fries!” [return to usual demanor] It’s like a group of couples agreeing to do ecstasy together. [audience laughter]

I have a girlfriend now, uh, myself, which is weird because I’m probably gay based on the way I act and behave and… [audience laughs] have walked and talked for 28 years. [light audience laughter] [shrugs] I think I was supposed to be gay. I think, like, in Heaven they built, like, three quarters of a gay person and then they forgot to flip the final switch, and they just [gestures pushing something] sent me out and it was like, [turns to one side] “You marked that one gay, right?” and it was like, [turns to other side with shocked low voice] “Oh no! Was I supposed to?” [audience laughs] and they were like, [slightly lower and frazzled voice, looking side to side] “Oh man, well this’ll be a very interesting person. [audience laughs] [lighthearted playful voice] This’ll be a very silly person.” [audience laughter]

I was definitely gay when I was a little boy. [light audience laughter] A lot of little boys are gay. You know, they’re very [sways arms and legs] flowy and they have [chops air with hand] very hard opinions on things. [audience laughs] I don’t mean that I was a sexually active gay man when I was a little boy, that’s not what I mean. When I was a little boy, I was more like a 67-year-old gay man [slowly and gently tosses hand in front of him] that’s kind of over it sexually, you know. I was just like an old queen, I would just come out of the recess yard and be like, [closes eyes and dramatically sweeps arm to the side, speaking in a high slightly drawled voice] “Everyone get outta my way, [audience laughs] I just wanna sit here and feed my birds.” [audience laughter] The gym teacher would tell me to play kickball and I’d be like, [narrows eyes and speaks with a slight drawl] “You want me to do whaaaat?” [turns head and chuckles] [audience laughs]

Real quick, this happened pretty recently, I was in a restaurant near here in the West Village and I was at the urinal [gestures in front of him as though there were a urinal] and an old gay man came in the bathroom with a walker like this [squats slightly and pretends to have a walker] and he said this to me, he went, [closes eyes and leans back slightly, speaking in a high voice with a New York accent] “I’m either having a drink or I have to pee, you’re livin’ the golden years, kid, not me,” [stands up straight with amazed expression] like, he spoke in rhymes, it was crazy. [audience laughs] It was such a weird interaction that I wasn’t sure if it actually happened. I came out of the bathroom and I asked my girlfriend, I was like, [points behind him with a confused expression] “Did you see, like, an old man follow me in the bathroom?” and she was like [looks down slightly and speaks with a slightly higher voice] “John, [looks up and turns head suddenly] that bathroom’s been closed for forty years! [audience laughs] [John shakes head up and down to make his voice fluctuate] Whooooooaaaa!!! Whoooooooaaaaaa!!!! [audience laughter]

Where was I? I’m not gay, but I might be, and I have a girlfriend, aaand she’s a female person. [chuckles] [audience laughs] It’s going very well, I love her very much, and so a few months ago she was like, [moves hand in a circular motion and speaks deadpan] “Okay, it’s going well, so now I should meet your parents.” Because that what people do when a relationship is going well. They meet each other’s parents, and I’ve never understood that. I’ve never been with my girlfriend and thought like, [slow suggestive voice] “Oh, honey, tonight is going great, but do you know what would make it perfect? [audience laughs] Charles and Ellen Mulaney. [audience laughter] Come on! [chuckles] Let’s get them in the mix. We’ve been going pretty hot and heavy lately, I think it’s time we bring in two older Catholic people.” [audience laughs]

My girlfriend’s a female and I had all these friends that were female. So when I started dating her I was like “oh great, they’ll all get along… no.” Not even a little at the beginning. I don’t want to make any generalizations about women because I don’t know shit about women, but if there is one thing I’ve learned in my personal experience is that I think women can be friends with each other, (In a hesitant tone) but I think it can be tricky sometimes when you force women to hang out with each other. I think that sometimes doesn’t work.

Like, I don’t think that you could ever put together a heist with women. Does that make sense? Oceans eleven with women would never work! Cause’ two would keep breaking off and start talking shit about the other nine. Or not even talk shit, just say weird passive aggressive things while they break into the casino.(Pretending to break into a safe with a stethoscope) Just be like: “aww, I love how you just wear anything.”

(Audience Chuckles)

My girlfriend is wonderful though. I listen to everything my girlfriend says. I don’t mean she bosses me around, I just listen to everything she says because before I had a girlfriend, I never had someone whose always standing next to me (Steps to the side and acts as if someone is currently standing next to him) who can just point out obvious things that are happening.

Like we’ll be in a restaurant and my girlfriend will be like: “you ordered your food an hour ago. It should be here by now” and I’m like “yeahhh it should!” It’s like having a lawyer for everyday life. She’ll be like: “the bus driver shouldn’t talk to you in that way” and I’m like: “no he shouldn’t!” (As he waves his arms around as if in confidence). Before I had a girlfriend, I had no standard of how I should be treated as a human being. You could do anything to me and I was just like a young Motown singer. I was like shiny and dumb and easy to trick. I’m like (in a Motown/black accent): “aww man, you’re gonna give me a whole hundred dollas for all of my songs? Where do I sign Mr. Berry Gordy?”And now when I’m not with my girlfriend you can still do anything to me. I can tolerate any treatment.

Like I try to travel alone sometimes you know and I’ll put up with anything. Like ill book a ticket on some garbage airline. You know I don’t want to name any actual airline so lets just make one up and so lets just call it delta airlines. So I’ve got my ticket at “Delta Airlines”(Does air quotes) and I show up at the airport. “Can I get on the plane now please (figuratively hands ticket to fake person)?” And their like (In a maniacal irritated tone): “NO! ITS BEEN DELAYED 9 HOURS! (Spits)” and I go (Like a child) “Okayyy” and I go to the bathroom. Then I come out of the bathroom and I go(Like a child): “any updates?” and they go (In a maniacal irritated tone): “yeah, we took off while you were in the bathroom. BECAUSE WE HATE YOU. Now take this meal voucher that doesn’t work, GO! FETCH! (As if he pretends to throw a stick for a dog playing fetch).” And I go (Like a child): “Okayyyyy” and I go over to the Wolfgang puck express and am like(Like a child): “Can I have a sandwich please?” and they go (In a maniacal irritated tone): “NOOOOOOOOO!” and I go(Like a child): “Okayyyyyy” and they go(Like a bully at school): “You’re a little fat girl aren’t you?” and I go(Like a child): “noooo! Noooo!” and they go (Like a bully): “Say it!’ and I go (Like a child): “I’m a little fat girl.” And then I go over to the Delta help desk, which is an oxymoron and I go(Like a child): “Can I please go home on an airplane?” and they go(In a maniacal irritated tone): “Nooooo! In fact, we’re gonna frame you for murder! And you’re gonna go to jail for 30 years!” and I go(Like a child): “Why are you doing this to me?” and they go(In a maniacal irritated tone): “Because we’re Delta Airlines: life is a fucking nightmare!” But with my girlfriend she would be like: “Let’s see if Southwest has any flights?” So it’s better… (Audience laughs and claps lightly)

My girlfriend is a Jewish woman, which is I did on purpose. (Audience laughs) Uhhhh, that sounded creepy. I don’t mean like: “ahhh I got one!”(Pretending to grab someone) I mean I… I… I’m not Jewish, but I’ve always liked Jewish people. I just like them a lot. And I really like dating Jewish women. They’re great! Because I think what a lot of people have in relationships is communication cause guys don’t know what women are thinking. And with Jewish women you don’t have to guess what they are thinking. They will tell you. Yeah, this is going to get playfully anti-Semitic so just allow it to go there. I’ll get in trouble, you won’t. I really do mean this though I… I really admire that Jewish people, in my own personal experience, have, are very up front with their feelings. They’re very… they’re very vocal about their thoughts and feelings and I just think that’s really admirable.

You know, I’m Irish, and Irish people wont tell you a thing. Irish people keep it so bottled up you know? Like the thing with Irish people is: “I’ll just keep all my emotions right here(Points to heart) and then one day, I’ll die.” Like in Ireland it’s like(In Irish tone): “oh your boy, he died.” And it’s like(In Irish tone): “Alright bury the boy, do it bury the boy. Burry the boyyyyy.” (Audience laughs) Irish people don’t want comfort. Look at a sweater made in Ireland. Its like a turtleneck made out of “Brillo” pads. I used to date gentile women and… (Pauses)… (Audience laughs)… I dated this girl she used to stare out the window all day long and I’m like, what’s wrong (In a sarcastic playful tone)? And she’d be like: “you wouldn’t even understand if I told you.” (In a pissed off tone) What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?!? (Audience laughs)

My Jewish girlfriend and I don’t have to guess what’s wrong! She comes in the room and…(stutters) and then we can move on from there. That’s what I mean. She’s very focused. She’s very in the moment, you know. And that’s a good thing in a significant other. She’s very present. Jews don’t daydream, (In a playful tone) ‘cause folks are after ‘em and they gotta stay sharp, you know what I mean? They have to be there. They haven’t let their minds wander since Egypt. They just stay sharp. They go (frantically speaking and pointing): “Who’s that? Who are you? What’s that? What’s that over there? Don’t do that!” (Audience Laughs)

“I’m Irish… I keep things very bottled up, and I don’t drink. Which is not what you’re supposed to do when you’re Irish. I don’t drink. I used to drink and then I drank too much and I had to stop. That surprises a lot of audiences because I don’t look like someone who used to do anything. (Audience laughs, Mulaney imitates sitting in a chair eating) I look like I was just sitting in a room in a chair eating Saltines for like 28 years and then I walked right out here. But I did, I used to drink a lot and then I stopped. I don’t know if anyone here is thinking about quitting drinking but you need to know 2 things if you’re thinking of quitting drinking.

The first is that when you stop drinking and you still go to parties where people are drinking, they will have no idea what to offer you. Like once people start drinking for the night, they forget everything that isn’t alcohol. Like ill show up at a party and they’ll be like: “(acting as if to point) Hey everybody! Alright we got Coronas in the fridge and Oh! Hey! Mulaney! Would you like, like an old turnip we found in the cabinet? Would that be good for you? Would you like that? (His eyes are now wide open). I know you don’t drink (winking, audience laughs). Or my girlfriend left a Nuva Ring in the fridge, would you want that? (winking) I know you don’t drink!” (Pauses)

Also if you quit drinking you’re about to lose the greatest excuse in your life, which is (As if talking to a girl):“I’m really sorry about last night. I was just too drunk…” That is a get out of jail free card that you don’t even realize you’ve had until you lose it. I can’t say that anymore. I can never be like: “Sorry about last night, I was just so drunk.” Now I have to be like(As if to a girl again): “I’m really sorry about last night, it’s just that I’m mean and loud, (pauses) it probably will happen again.” (Audience laughs)

Now I, myself — I quit drinking ‘cause I used to drink too much and then I would black out and I would “ruin parties”… or so I’m told. (Audience laughs) When you do that enough, you black out drinking and you do crazy things, you kind of become like Michael Jackson. Like any story anyone says about you might be true and (Acting mysterious) even you don’t know by the end. I saw an interview with Michael Jackson before he died and they were like(Like a reporter): “Is it true you bought the elephant man’s bones? And he was like(Pretending to be Michael Jackson): “I don’t know!” Ya know, cause how could he keep track of that? (Audience lightly laughs)

So I would hear stories about myself. Here’s a story I once heard about me. I guess I was 20 and I was at a party at someone’s house and I had blacked out drinking, and someone came out of one of the rooms at this party holding like an old antique bottle with some liquid in it, and they said, “Hey, is this whiskey or perfume?” And apparently I grabbed it, drank all of it (pretending to drink a bottle), “ and said (pretending to throw the bottle behind his head): “It’s perfume.” And it was.

Another story I heard about myself — this one happened in high school. Uh, We had this teacher in high school whose kid went to our high school. His name was Mr. McNamara and his son Jake McNamara went to our high school. He was a sophomore when I was a senior. So he was two years behind me. And Mr. McNamara was an asshole. And one weekend, he and his wife decided to leave town, which you should never do IF YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE! (Audience laughs) And Jake McNamara decided to throw a party at the teacher’s house. (Sarcastic) Hooray! And everyone around town heard about it and we all got up individually and thought(Speaking maniacally), “Okay, let’s go over there and destroy the place.”

I walked into this party. Everyone I had even met was at this party, and everyone was drinking like it was the end of the world. (Audience laughs) People were drinking like it was the civil war and a doctor was coming to saw our legs off. (Audience laughs)It was totally unsupervised; we were like dogs without horses… we were running wild. I walked down (pauses) I walked down to the basement, they had a pool table in the basement. One dude took a running start and threw his body onto the pool table and broke it in half. Another kid found out which room was Mr. McNamara’s and went upstairs and took a shit ON HIS COMPUTER! (Audience laughs) So the party was going great (sarcastically).

I’m standing in the basement, and I’m holding a red cup you’ve seen in movies. And I’m standing there and I’m holding a red cup and I’m starting to black out and I guess someone said like “something something police.” and in a brilliant moment of word association, I YELLED “FUCK DA POLICE! FUCK DA POLICE!” (In a drunken accent, Audience laughs). And everyone else joined in, 100… drunk… white… children yelling “Fuck da police” with the confidence of guys who have already been to jail and aren’t afraid of it anymore. (Audience Laughs)You know, like the: “I served my nickel! You come and take me!” confidence, but white children. (Audience laughs)

The reason someone had said “something something police” was because the police were there. So a Chicago police officer walked down the stairs and got to the bottom in the basement and looked out over a sea of drunk toddlers YELLING: “FUCK THE POLICE” In his face. He was almost impressed. He was like [whispering] “WOW.” And then he leaned into his walkie-talkie and my friend john, who is now a father — this man now has a baby — (Imitating the action)he grabbed a 40, smashed it on the ground and yelled: “SCATTER!!”

And everyone ran in a different direction. We all ran in different directions. It was like that scene in “Ratatouille” when the humans come in the kitchen and all the rats go in different ways. (Audience laughs as Mulaney acts frantic)We all ran in different directions, I ran into the laundry room and I jumped up on the washing machine and I crawled out through a window into the backyard and now I’m running through the backyard and there was this big chain link fence and I thought I’ve never climbed a fence that high before. And then I woke up at home (pauses, audience laughs).

On Monday, I went to school, cause that’s what we did back then. (Audience laughs) And I’m walking into the school building and who do I see but Jake McNamara. And he says to me “hey, were you at my party on Saturday?” and I was like: “No” you know, like a liar (Maniacally, then pauses). And he said things really got out of hand: “Someone broke the pool table, someone took a shit on my dad’s computer, But the worst thing” he says — “the worst thing is that someone stole these old antique photos of my grandmother and my parents are freaking out about it.” and I had that thought that only blackout drunks and Steve Urkel can have (pauses, audience laughs and claps while he says): “Did I do that?”

I figured no, I would never do that. I was never sure until two years later (audience in shock) … relax. I’m playing video games with this kid named Alex that we also went to high school with. Two years later, we’ve graduated by now. We’re playing video games for a couple hours, and then Alex says to me(in a hushed tone), “Hey, come here. I want to show you something.” And he takes me into his bedroom and then he takes me into a side room off of his bedroom. Never a good thing to have. (Laughing) (Mulaney is in a hushed voice even worse than before) And he shows me a tiny room that is covered wall to wall in stolen antique photos from different people’s parties over the years. (Audience laughs) And I said: “Why? Why do you do this?” and Alex said “Cause it’s the one thing you can’t replace.” (Long pause, Audience is laughing hard now) That’s the end of that story but how fucked up is that? That’s crazy! (audience laughs more and claps)

So I don’t drink anymore… and its weird you know? I miss it sometimes because drinking can kind of calm your nerves and I live in New York now and sometimes you can see things that will make you anxious you’ll see troubling things out on the street. I was coming into my apartment building one night and I saw in front of my building a wheel chair, knocked in its side with no one in it. (audience laughs but almost in confusion) That’s a bad thing to see. Something happened there… you hope it was a miracle… but probably not… probably something worse. (audience laughs)

And I don’t like argument, some people like to argue, you know? They think it’s like an art. And I don’t like it, I think its because really ordinary arguments can get really dramatic really quickly. Like I was talking to a friend recently, and I told him I didn’t think I believed in the death penalty, and my friend said to me: “oh, so you’re telling me, that if you saw Hitler… walking down the street… you wouldn’t kill him?” (Audience chuckles) That wasn’t what I was telling you, but alright, lets talk about this entirely new topic. What would I do if I saw (giggling) Adolph Hitler (acting out a walking motion) just walking down the street? Well first off I wanted to know what did my friend mean? Did he mean I see a guy in like the military outfit with the little moustache, cause then I would assume that’s someone dressed up as Hitler. (Audience laughs) I’m not gonna kill that guy. I’m not gonna kill an actor and ruin Indiana Jones 5 just cause I don’t understand costumes. Or does he mean I’m walking down the street and I see like an old old man who I think might be Hitler based on my memory of what Hitler looks like. I’m not gonna kill that guy either, because I am often wrong. Id murder him and people would be like: “Woah! You just killed an old old man! (Acting it out)” and Id be like: “he looked like Hitler!” and they’re like: “Yeah, a little…” (Audience laughs and claps)

I have a lot of strange interactions on the street. Years ago, I was walking down the street and a homeless guy came up to me. And he walked up to me he pushed me like that (as he acts out a pushing motion), he pushed me in the chest. And then he said these things in this order. He pushed me and he said (in a strange accent): “Excuse me, I am homeless, I am gay, I have aids, I’m new in town.” (Mulaney looks confused as the audience cracks up) You’re gonna close with “New in town?” that is not the most dramatic thing you just said. As they said in the movie Jerry McGuire: “You had me at AIDS.” Here’s how I would’ve ordered those things, I would’ve said: “Excuse me, I’m new in town, and it gets worse.” Didn’t that guy practice his like pitch at all in the mirror that morning and just figure out what he was gonna say? Ya know in the morning ya know just be like (He then imitates what this gay man would be doing in the mirror): “Alright now what am I gonna do today, what am I gonna do tonight? Imma walk up and say hello, no that’s too subtle imam push him. Imma push him. And I’m gonna say I’m new in town, no no hold back hold back. Save it. Build to that. I’m about to walk up to him, imma push him and go I HAVE AIDSSSS, no that’s too strong… alright. (Cracking himself up as he does this) imam walk up to him, push him and start with the fact that I am homeless, as that is a given. Then for back story I will pepper in the fact that I am gay.” (Audience laughs)

Which I know its tough for gay youth on the street, but that’s not like a reason for money. You cant be like, hey would you help me out I’m very gay? (audience laughs) Like a few dollars… I always love how he phrased it by the way. He never mentioned living on the street, he said I’m new in town, like it was intriguing. Like he wanted me to set him up with somebody. Like I have a friend whose like: “There’s no single guys (‘guys’ in New York accent) left in Manhattan.” And I’m like: “I know someone whose new in town.” (Pretends to be his friend now)“What are 3 other things about him?” (Audience claps and cheers)

Just too anxious for a lot of things, I get nervous all the time, not even about like major life things, just about like everyday situations. Like this is my regular speaking voice, but if I’m in a pubic bathroom and someone knocks too suddenly on the door or stall door, I go into a whole different speaking voice. Which is “Eh, someone’s in hereee. Someone’s in hereee. (In a strange almost British accent)” so they’re gonna be like: “I think there is a carnival barker in there. I think someone’s trying to drum up business for a carnival.”

I decided to do something about this anxiety recently. I decided I was gonna try and get a Xanax prescription. I don’t know if anyone here has ever tried Xanax, but its fantastic (a few claps) very muted claps for Xanax. You don’t really get woos, its more like yeahhhhhhhhhhhhh. I didn’t know how to get a Xanax prescription though, drugs like that a tricky sometimes, but I talked to a friend of mine and he said oh yeah, I did this. He said that he had a regular doctor’s appointment and at the end of it he said to his doctor: “Hey doctor, sometimes I get nervous on airplanes.” And the doctor just wrote him a Xanax prescription. And I’m like yeah, that’s the type of lowbrow shit I’m looking for. Ill take your advice, friend I’ve never listened to before. (Audience laughs)

So I go to a clinic, and I go in and I’m just going to go in for you know a regular type of check up and at the end, I’ll ask about Xanax. So I get to the front desk, and they have a “why are you here sheet.” And I wanna pick something that will get me out really quickly. And I look down and I see frequent urination. And I was like, perfect that’ll be a super quick visit you know? Ill just be like hey, sometimes I pee a lot and the doctor would be like (Mulaney pretending to be the doctor): “Me too, crazy right?!?” And I’ll be like: “I get nervous on airplanes.” (Audience laughs) So I checked off frequent urination and I sat down in the waiting area and I waited for 3 hours. I finally go back to the observation room and oh! In the observation room there was a male nurse standing there and he has a Batman sticker on his stethoscope, a Batman necklace and a Batman watch. He was kind of moving around the whole time, he was just like: (acting this out) “alright! I am too blessed to be stressed! Lets do it! What are you allergic to, besides work?” and then he’d take something and throw it over his shoulder and be like: “Beats working.” And all of his jokes were anti work, which is not always what you want from a health care professional. (Audience laughs)

The doctor comes in the room and the doctor looks at my chart and he says: “Oh, you’re here for frequent urination, how many times a day are you urinating?” And I tried to think of a number that would warrant a doctor visit. So I said 11.(Audience is shocked)That was too many times to say. The doctor looked at me and said: “You’re peeing 11 time a day? Then you may have something wrong with your prostate. So, what we need to do…” Some of you are ahead of me (addressing audiences laughter). So I don’t know exactly how he phrased it, but the gist of it was: “Hey, if this visit was to continue, I’m going to stick part of my hand up your ass. And I didn’t know what to say. Cause I couldn’t be like: “No that’s okay, I was lying. It was a lie… to get drugs. You know? Like a crime!” (Audience laughs) So what I did was, I pulled down my pants, walked over to the observation table and I put my hand on the observation table like this (puts hand on stool) and by the way, part of me was like: “Whatever… you know? You ever have those days where you’re like: “This might as well happen. (Pauses) Adult life is already so God damn weird.” (Audience laughs)

So I’m bent over like this on the table, and the doctor comes up behind me and says “ no no no, not on your hands, your elbows” and he knocks me down like that (putting elbows on the stool now). And this is so much worse than this (gets back to his hands). I don’t know why, I think its cause this has a little remaining dignity to it, you know what I mean? (Audience laughs) This is sort of like, go stick it in, I am an American. This is like you’re leaning over the edge of a cruise ship and you’re like: “ahhh we’re approaching Martinique!” he knocked me down to my elbows and then, he stuck his hand in. and you know how sometimes you’re like, I bet I know what most things feel like ya know? You just think you’ll know? I did not know, what this was gonna feel like. And this was the actual sound I made, I went: “ooooooohhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmm.” (Audience laughs and claps) But I didn’t say it, like it came from my vocal chords but it was totally involuntary. It was as if a ghost had been trapped in my belly and finally flew out towards the light. And then, when he pulled his hand out, we had gotten to know each other pretty well, so ill phrase this a delicately as a can. I didn’t not realize than when the doctor pulls his hand out it feels like your shitting cause the only thing to come out of your butt before has been shit. (Audience laughs)

So, he pulls his hand out and I thought I was shitting into his hand. So I yelled: “I’M SORRYY! This is a very routine procedure by the way for most doctors. And so far he’s had to deal with “OHHHHHMMMM” and “I’M SORRYY!” (Audience laughs) And he didn’t even let me off the hook you know? He wasn’t like: “Oh don’t worry, you didn’t shit into my hand.” He just threw his glove away and went(As if enraged)“Ahhhwahhhahwa.” And I was about to ask about Xanax but he was like: “Alright your prostate’s fine but we still need to do a blood test.” So I pulled up my pants and shuffled away, (Acting this out) feeling different. And he yells out into the hall, he goes: “Hey! We’re doing a blood test in here. Get in here!” Batman dances back in and he’s like: “(pretending to dance) Alright, we gonna do a blood test. You look different, let’s do it.” The doctor left the room, so I’m alone with Batman. I just need this blood test to be over. But first I had to tell Batman something, I was like “Batman look, I’m one of those people who, when you take blood from me, sometimes I can faint. And I was in the waiting area for 3 hours and I haven’t eaten anything all day and I’m really worried I’m gonna faint.” And Batman said to me, and ill never forget it: “pshh, you’re not gonna faint!”

So, I stick my arm out, Batman puts the needle in my arm, and I’m immediately on the ground. (Audience ‘dies’ laughing) I wake up and I am covered in sweat lying on the observation table. I wake up, I open my eyes and I see Batman’s face. He’s looking at me and he goes: “you gotta go!” and I go: “Can I please talk to the doctor though for a sec because sometimes, I get nervous on airplanes.” And Batman said: “the doctor’s gone!” so I got my stuff… and I left. The moral of the story is… that if you’ve been nervous your entire life, you should ask your doctor about Xanax because if you lie to him, he will stick his finger in your ass. And if you do suffer from frequent urination, keep it to yourself. I went to that clinic 2 years later for a different checkup and as I was leaving, who do I run into but Batman. And he smiled at me and he was wearing reading glasses to show that time had passed.

Thanks very much for listening to me, my name is John Mulaney. You were really fun, thank you.

(Walks around the auditorium as a joke, sits in a chair and applauds himself. Says thank you again, then leaves.)

(The intro music for the 90’s like sitcom plays again as the special ends and rolls its final credits)

(End)

maybe @donutspeeches needs to see this

#new in town #def not mine #mulaney

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