#their lore goes so crazy y’all don’t even KNOW

[dropanostalgia]

Zoo wee mama, a Shane n Farmer Serenity wip!🐔🌌

Birds Eye view sucks, especially when you don’t have a lot of references to work with 🧍‍♀️

I got a solo piece of Farmer Serenity done, but I didn’t wanna reveal that just yet cuz it’s a surprise! I also plan to include more art n also lore for her intro post so ye

Also, as much as I love Shane, he’s hard to draw. So that’s why my art style of him can be a bit inconsistent 😔

[mskinkyafro]

The Natasha switch up is CRAZY.

I feel like I need it to be explained to me like I’m stupid bc I’m having a hard time with understanding how she’s snakey for chatting and pursuing Stefan.

Especially, if 👏🏾you 👏🏾don’t 👏🏾want 👏🏾him. 👏🏾

*And this RANT is for people who didn’t even choose Stefan or want him. Bc I’m seeing most of this take with them. Vs someone who is on her route. Natasha Stan’s I feel for you. It sucks.

I keep seeing three big reasons why she’s the “worst.”

1) She’s obsess with Mc and Stefan. And gladly is second best to Mc/wants Mc’s leftovers.

Okay, in order to relate it and make common ground with Mc is to tell us that “hey, we were both the same season. Except I was a casa girl. And oop, we might have similar taste, I tried grafting/dating your ex but he was so into you.”

“And overall, y’all appeared so perfect and cute. I admired your relationship and want to have a relationship like yours or have someone be that interested in me.”

(if we go off appearances. Bc Mc can say that everything isn’t what it seems. )

Like clearly she is our exposition/lore character to help us understand what is the status quo BUT narratively, you can infer the questioning especially as we get to Casa is to make sure Mc FOR SURE is done with Stefan. Bc let’s be honest. Ppl be seeing their ex’s and old feelings be coming up.

And they all here for a second shot at love. Plus she has history with Stefan, whether you believe it’s as strong as Mc and his, is beside the point. It’s Casa and she’s single, and he is too. She has the right to explore that.

2. If you’re on a Stefan route, she pulls him for chats knowing I’m interested.

Once again it’s love island. Step your pussy game up if you’re scared of competition. Like it’s chats, BFFR why are we acting like she’s stealing your man, being so vicious and talking bad and sabotaging you behind your back.

I feel like there’s nothing wrong with having chats and still exploring ALL available options.

I get the argument of “if we been spending most of the time with one li, why should she step in and talk to him.”

But at that point it’s the final chats before recoupling, I see no harm in getting final graft time or check in with all casa boys and villa girls to make sure you didn’t overlook anyone. It’s no different than the casa boys, trying to sell Mc about themselves before recoupling. Is that them moving snakey? (to Marshall in my game) And either way, Mc always chooses before Nat so you can still choose him. She can’t fuck you over.

3. It’s just shady behavior how she’s moving bc shes’s been pressuring us about him and saying we are couple goals. But she turns around and grafts and brings him back. Why not just say you want him from the jump?

We as in-game characters didn’t know he was coming back. I mean I feel like it goes without saying she was interested in him from their season. But it was pointless. So fast forward now, idk about others but her talking with him before and after our own clear the air chat. That was clear she is going for him. Go for it girl, I can’t be mad. I don’t want him. And it’s no girl code rule break bc she didn’t even know Mc before this show.

I ain’t gonna hold her to some dumbass standard when we all signed up for a show where we are literally sharing men. I just fail to really see the snake behavior.

To me it differs from Kat who takes your li unprovoked for a chat and heavily tries to flirt and make moves just because. Knowing damn well she’s full of hell and just wants to make her partner jealous, and she chooses yours because she respects Mc the least. 😭

Now if Nat was moving like that with Stefan or your li you actually wanted. We could talk, but girlie literally did what she’s supposed to do on the show.

Make a connection, lock it in and is bring him back. Idk I just find more and more of these overreactions in the fandom so annoying and exhausting from players.

Like damn no one can be competition no more. No one wants to work for their Li affection. They all should worship the ground Mc walks on and never acknowledge any other girl ever. It’s boring af.

Final thing, which just speaks to her overall personality or character traits. Some are holding on to her “shit talking” from the PDA Awards.

But was she wrong?! No! Kat IS and ALWAYS will be ANNOYING and a whiny ass bitch.

Calling Kelly basic was shots fired and Kelly def caught a stray but I mean…Kelly does have more of simple vibe compared to everyone else who embodies the *That bitch* energy. Still all love for Kelly though.

Like y’all please. The “shit talking” was some of the most tamest shit ever. And let’s be for real, if Mc said this shit or has options to be even more bitchy or cuntier, we call them all kinds of Queens, Savages, and Icons. But with Natasha she’s shady.

I’m sorry I REFUSE to let y’all slander Natasha. She be riding for Mc. Remember she was one of the only ones on our side during the PDA debacle with Finn. Whether you did mess with him or not. Like Natasha is a rider.

Even with the drama that Melissa brought, that was Melissa twisting things to be messy. Not Natasha trying to be hurtful. Idc this rant was for her bc I hate how yall switching up on my girl. It’s WILD!

[mistytwooo]

Unpopular opinion; shifters don’t deserve the curse of living forever. They don’t deserve to live forever. It is cruel. As y’all know, the more they shift the slower they age, or they don’t age at all. Jacobs fairytale literally was supposed to end with him ending with Bella and growing old with her because the cullens would move away to save edwards little heart.

(They should’ve kept this scene)

He wanted to grow old with the person he loves. Now he’s forced to stay young to entertain his old crushes/first love/ besties daughter 💀 I will never understand the hate train when it comes to Jacob imprinting on little resentment, HE IS THE VICTIM.

She was literally the one mind controlling him in the womb throughout their whole friendship because she was a piece of Bella. that’s why his and Bella’s relationship never made sense until she gave birth(they say this in the movie). Y’all remember in the movie when emmet was like “damn did y’all break the house” or some corny sexual joke like that and Jacob literally laughed because he finally seen her as a best friend, sister? He wasn’t even worried about ha because he was so focused on the little demon baby LMAO

Free Jacob. It’s so cruel that he has to out live all of his friends and sisters to stay with a demon baby.

I don’t wanna hear the argument of “well Sam is still in love with Leah.” Yes that’s true, Sam is in love with two people. But after Bella gives birth all that in love shit goes away completely. That little euphoria Bella has while she’s pregnant and around Jacob? Gone as soon as she gives with. This lore is CRAZY

Fucking love twilight x

[neithrain]

so y’all know how there’s hints scattered around that kirkwall actually used to be a place for huge blood magic rituals with elven slaves when the imperium ruled it? and how that probably has something to do with why there’s so many batshit crazy blood mages there?

well, absolution has now made it canon that the imperium also used slave elf corpses as emergency necromance defenses entrapped in statues. and although this was in a building used for an andrastian cathedral, it was actually built right on top of a temple for the old gods.

in meredith’s boss fight in da2, the statues come alive to help her for some godforsaken reason when she goes crazy from red lyrium. red lyrium has also been confirmed as just lyrium infected with the blight, and is also all but confirmed to be titan’s blood. something about red lyrium awakened those statues… statues that were probably built during the time the imperium controlled kirkwall (maybe im wrong, feel free to correct me if i am)

i don’t know what the connection is, but this can’t just be a coincidence. the tevinter imperium and its statues coming alive when weird magical shit happens/the old gods are nearby has already shown up twice (i havent played da:o yet so again maybe i’m wrong… also yes, i’m getting to it bc i know i should play it before da:d comes out)

somehow i can’t help but feel like this might have something to do with the tevinter old god statues. i mean, in da2 we find the red lyrium idol (that drove meredith crazy) in the deep roads but in a room with tevinter architecture and an old god statue in it, right? it’s bugging me so much because i feel like i should be able to connect the dots but i can’t because either A) this has to do with lore i don’t remember, or B) i’m dumb.

also for some reason (with no concrete evidence), i feel like somehow, those weeping statues in front of kirkwall are gonna come alive or some shit either in the future seasons of absolution or maybe even a full on game. i do not have anything to back this up other than the whole “statues coming to life pattern” i pointed out, but it’s cool and badass so i’m sticking with it

or i’m entirely wrong and this was a waste of everybody’s time

[kaylorrehabcenter]

Rating Every Song on Fearless Based on How Gay it is

Hello friends! I still have a few song analyses in the pipeline (and one on Lover the album) but today in honor of Fearless (Taylor’s Edition) being announced and Love Story being released in a few hours I thought I’d do something fun to celebrate!

And you know what? Fuck my usual disclaimer, I am the word of god here. Try and change my mind about any of these. I dare you. (I kid I kid this isn’t that serious and you’re free to disagree <3)

1. Fearless 15/10

Everything about this song is so fucking gay oh my god. This isn’t a fruit, this is a whole ass edible arrangement. As a small rural town Gay (my hometown has a population of less that 4,000 and where I’m living now has a population of 2,500) this uh. Hits.

“And I don't know how it gets better than this/You take my hand and drag me head first, fearless”

Y’ALL

The idea of falling in love with someone who makes you less afraid of your homophobic small town…….it’s getting to me.

“My hands shake, I'm not usually this way but/You pull me in and I'm a little more brave/It's the first kiss, it's flawless, really something/It's fearless”

This is making me emotional, I'll be honest. I see so much of my friends and my experience in high school in this song. 

This quote I found on genius is from when the album was released on BMR’s website.

“When I wrote ‘Fearless,’ I wasn’t dating anyone. I wasn’t even in the beginning stages of dating anybody. I really was all by myself out on tour and I got this idea for a song about the best first date. I think sometimes when you’re writing love songs, you don’t write them about what you’re going through at the moment, you write about what you wish you had. So, this song is about the best first date I haven’t had yet.”

This just screams baby Tay writing gay folklore to me, about the gay stories she wish she had. Notice how there are no pronouns in this song??? Fruity I’m telling you.

All that to say. I’m crying because the linear note says “I loved you before I met you” and I want to go listen to Long Story Short and cry now.

2. Fifteen 1/10

Objectively pretty straight as she’s singing about her and Abigail’s dating boys in HS. And Taylor got with a senior guy. Good for her I suppose.

Unless he was one of the shitty ones in which case.

“This is life before you know who you're gonna be”

This however, is a cute line and the whole song makes me warm and nostalgic. You can also hear her crying after the line “and Abigail gave everything she had to a boy who changed his mind” which makes me emo and I’m sure will take on new depth after Abigail’s divorce and hurt me even more.

Other highlights that make me sob include.

“When all you wanted was to be wanted/Wish you could go back and tell yourself what you know now/Back then I swore I was gonna marry him someday/But I realized some bigger dreams of mine”

Bigger dreams of hers indeed :’)

(Also how can you say she’s a gold star lesbian when this song exists. She was obviously dating boys in high school and even if you think she’s a lesbian. Comp het is a hell of a drug kids.)

3. Love Story 8/10

Tried to change the ending indeed.

This is THE Taylor Swift song, and maybe it’s the nostalgia talking but damn I still love it. Written because she wanted to change the ending of Romeo and Juliet (how anyone likes RandJ enough to want to rewrite I have no clue.) and/or because her parents didn’t approve of a guy she was seeing. (according to genius, it would’ve been too early for Joe J so it could possibly be Boys Like Girls frontman, his image did clash with hers and they did release some cute songs together. However if you want my take it’s probably folklore about Emily, take for what you will)

This song has very oft gay vibes with the ‘They don’t approve of our love angle!’ but uses male pronouns so points redacted for that. HOWEVER this is a very early use of ~the male perspective~ in Taylor’s songs and for that it deserves all the love.

“ So I sneak out to the garden to see you/We keep quiet, 'cause we're dead if they knew/So close your eyes/Escape this town for a little while”

More rural town angst!!!

Nothing gets me more than rural town angst.

“Romeo, save me, they're trying to tell me how to feel/This love is difficult, but it's real”

Originally the lyric was “this love is different”. Granted I do not remember the source, i’s just lore implanted into my brain, but make of that what you will.

“"Marry me, Juliet, you'll never have to be alone/I love you, and that's all I really know/I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress/It's a love story, baby, just say "Yes"”

Marry me Juliet from the male perspective :)

Also worth noting. This is Karlie’s (and Kim K’s lmao) favorite Taylor song which. While basic as hell. Makes this cover sad as hell to this former Kaylor. (thanks @swiftgron-get-married for the tears <3)

Also not to make this about a man AGAIN but the secret message is “Some day I’ll find this” AND SHE DID IM CRYING.

4. Hey Stephen 1/10

The one thing Camilla Cabello and I have in common is loving this song, so I have to live with that for the rest of my life.

This song is very painfully straight.

How can you think this woman is a gold star lesbian.

The only noteworthy thing is that this is one of the few songs she confirms who it’s about. The secret message is “Love and Theft” which is the name of a country music duo who went on to open her Fearless tour. Which, does make me side eye this song a little bit.

Still a cute song.

“Hey Stephen, boy, you might have me believing/I don't always have to be alone”

5. White Horse 1/10

Oh look. It’s track five. 

You know maybe this is just me being a bitch but in my ranking of track fives this is. Pretty low. Maybe on the bottom.

Like I don’t have a lot to say about it. 

She’s going through it over a guy. He was a cheating dickweazel. 

“'Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale/I'm gonna find someone someday/Who might actually treat me well”

“Try and catch me now, oh/It's too late/To catch me now”

These lines hit though!!

And she found Joe!! Who treats her well!!!! And she isn’t the princess, she’s the prince who dropped her sword and knocked on her door!!! But this time if they come for them she’s ready!!!

Yes I will make every song about Long Story Short <3

6. You Belong With Me 5/10

Ah yes. The other THE Taylor Swift song.

You know. If I went to a high school with a cheerleading squad. And I had a crush on a cheerleader. I would blast this song. So for that it gets a 5/10. Otherwise. Fairly straight and fairly iconic.

7. Breathe 8/10

Well. We know this one is about a woman. (Emily Poe for those not in the know. Ha. A rhyme!) That alone has an 8/10. And it’s the first time she has a featured artist so bonus points for that!

It was nominated for a Grammy and it fucking lost to Jason Mraz. When’s the last time you thought about Jason Mraz.

I will not have Kaylor feels on a fucking Fearless song but damn is it VERY easy.

“Never a clean break, no one here to save me/You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand”

“It's 2 A.M, feeling like I just lost a friend/Hope you know it's not easy, easy for me”

Also this bridge? Goes off. HIGHLY underrated. 

8. Tell Me Why 3/10

You know. Maybe this album isn’t as gay as I once thought.

This song does bop though, not as good as her other angry songs on this album. But I can vibe with this you know. Why are you being an asshole mysterious man.

“You could write a book on how to ruin someone's perfect day”

This has to be one of baby Tay’s best burns. Damn. 

“Why do you have to make me feel small/So you can feel whole inside?/Why do you have to put down my dreams/So you're the only thing on my mind?”

Men ain’t shit kids. However, bonus points for the shade. 

9. You’re not Sorry 1/10

Ok, ok. Maybe this was a foolish endeavor.

Because yet again we have a very straight song. A good song. That was on Taylor’s episode of CSI. But oh dear. Very straight. Gets a measly one point. We started this post off so very very gay but damn. We seem to be nearing the end on a very straight note.

10. The Way I Loved You 20/10

Hey Remember what I said about this album being very straight.

WELL THAT WAS A LIE.

Is this a comphet album or am I projecting.

This is one of my favorite baby gay Taylor songs. Her masterful use of pronouns (he is sensible! And so incredible! And all my single friends are jealous! But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain, when it was two am and I was cursing your name!) makes the other person she’s singing about completely vague, while we know she isn’t happy with whichever guy she’s dating.

Mayhaps an early reaction to PRomances?

Either way this song is so good, truly an underrated gay gem I mean. Look at it.

“Breaking down and coming undone/It's a roller coaster kind of rush/And I never knew I could feel that much/And that's the way I loved you”

AND THE BRIDGE. Do all of her gay songs just have kickass bridges?

“He can't see the smile I'm faking/And my heart's not breaking/'Cause I'm not feeling anything at all/And you were wild and crazy/Just so frustrating/Intoxicating, complicated/Got away by some mistake and now…”

Damn. I’m imaging this with 2020 vocals and fucking ascending.

Also please watch the live performance of it from the Fearless tour. It’s such a damn shame this got cut from the movie and some woman in the front row is wearing a cowboy hat. Everyone is holding up those cameras everyone had to have before smartphones. Taylor is being endearing. It’s a good time.

11. Forever and Always 6/10

Bonus points for the ~drama~ of it all. Added last minute to the album? The iconic throwing of the chair in live performances?? All of it very dramatique and for that we stan.

Still pretty straight.

Also Joe Jonas responded to the song and why do I find his response so damn funny. “It’s part of being a musician, I guess. You write songs about each other.”

This is another song where the idea of Taylor’s grown up vocals on this is………..whew

12. The Best Day 0/10

This gets zero points because it’s about her literal mom.

Still makes me cry.

God bless Andrea Swift indeed

13. Change 13/10

We start the official tracklist with a gay song. We end it with a gay song.

We will ignore that it was originally written for Scott and BMR and instead induct it into the hall of gay pride anthems, as it should be. 

“We're getting stronger now, finding things they never found/They might be bigger but we're faster and never scared/You can walk away, say we don't need this/But there's something in your eyes says we can beat this”

“This revolution, the time will come/For us to finally win/And we'll sing hallelujah, we'll sing hallelujah”

The music video is cringe though lol

14. Jump then Fall 10/10

This song is gay because I choose it to be. <3

Like. Picture baby Taylor writing this song and playing it on her guitar to a girl she has a crush on telling her that she’ll protect her and they’ll be safe and in love and happy together. Gah, maybe I’m ~projecting~ but this sweet ass song always gets me and is EASILY in my top five Taylor songs. Super underrated and hecking cute. 

“We're on the phone and without a warning/I realize your laugh is the best sound/I have ever heard”

Like. Look at this shit.

“I watch you talk, you didn't notice/I hear the words but all I can think is/We should be together”

Tell me this is about the first time you get a crush on a girl and she’s your best friend and she’s amazing and beautiful and you realize you kinda want to kiss her and you hope she wants to kiss you too.

“I had time to think it oh, over/And all I can say is come closer/Take a deep breath and jump then fall into me”

And she’s the Romeo who's going to protect her!!!!! She’s the knight in shining armor in this song and I love that for her??

“The bottom's gonna drop out from under our feet/I'll catch you, I'll catch you/When people say things that bring you to your knees/I'll catch you/The time is gonna come when you're so mad you could cry/But I'll hold you through the night until you smile”

I won’t divulge into full on analysis here because. This is what this post is about but PLEASE listen to this song more. It’s such a gay little gem.

15. Untouchable 9/10

How does she make a cover sound gay.

It sounds so gay.

“You got to come on, come on, say that we'll be together/Come on, come on, little taste of heaven”

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay

16. Forever and Always Piano Version 1/10

This song gets 1/10 because I don’t like it. There. I said it.

17. Come in With the Rain 3/10

I can see why this is a bonus track. It doesn’t hit me as much as the other songs on the album.

But damn if I don’t want to scream sing this one driving down a high way.

18. Superstar 7/10

You can’t tell me this song is about a man. I simply won’t entertain the idea.

You cannot prove to me that this song is about a man. There is not a male pronoun in sight. 

>:)

19. The Other Side of the Door 6/10

Is this song about having a fight about being in the closet? Probably not. Will my gay little brain make it about that? Yep!

And that, funky little queer pals, is my gay rating of every Fearless song. Like and subscribe, #t3atmidnight

[lilatreus]

All of my thoughts on Assassin’s Creed Valhalla!

Of course there are major spoilers for the game and ending. I know it’s been out for like three months now but you never know so I’m putting it all under the cut. And yes this is pretty long. A summary is at the end of the entire text.

also pls don’t send me hate like y’all did for what I said about odyssey literally these are just my opinions on the game if u dont care for them pls just skip I have a lot to say about it and there is actually quite a few things that I really enjoyed when playing the game and if u do read it pls don’t hesitate to shoot me messages and talk to me about the game bc I really enjoy the franchise and I need some more people to talk to in this fandom.

What I enjoyed about the game!!

The blending in with the monks/prayers in the streets to get pass the guards!!!!! Dude!!!!! I know it’s like a really small detail but it just made me so happy because it reminded me of when you had to do that in the first assassin’s creed game. It’s a nice touch of nostalgia and really liked it.

The “glitches” (while some were annoying) I’m super super happy that they were kind of bringing back the glyphs from assassins creed two. I loved doing them because I loved trying to get the little movie. It was really nice of them to bring that back so we can get another little movie like the one from AC2 again.

I think we can all agree: Hytham was a great character. I wish he was more involved in the story than already but that’s just me. I really liked his character so much he’s my favorite from the game.

Desmond having some Easter eggs and basically coming back into the series again was great. It was also a nice touch to see the vault from assassins creed three (the place where des dies). It really makes me miss connor and his band of assassins. I miss assassins creed three :( I want more about Connor please put out some more comics with him in it or some easter eggs please I’m begging you. Also fuck u haytham kenway I hate u.

Shaun and Rebecca being back and now it’s canon that they’re together is fucking awesome. I’m actually really happy about that and I missed them so much. I’m glad they’re in the story again. (Rebecca dude I was so worried that she died like no fucking joke I was so upset I thought syndicate really killed her off).

The game itself actually did very well keeping with the lore we were given from assassins creed origins and was actually doing pretty well trying to connect it to the first assassin game.

Speaking of lore I do think they did the best they could to expand upon the not so well liked lore from odyssey and try and fix it but also it did feel a little confusing but I guess that’s just because i didn’t finish the Asgard missions yet so who knows.

The scenery was very very beautiful and I throughly enjoyed walking around and just admiring the view no matter where I was on the map.

Reda just becoming immortal is so funny and the fact that he was just sitting there telling stories about Aya and Bayek.. please my heart. I love them so so much. The letter Bayek wrote??? Soulmates I’m telling you.

Also I did like that they fixed their plot hole for why Bayek and Aya aren’t known for anything history wise in the story (or mainly why Bayek isn’t in the assassin’s history books and Aya, as Amunet, is really the only one written down). I’m very glad that they explained it and I really think I’m just super happy that Bayek was brought back for some easter eggs within the game.

Basim is very handsome and I liked him but I don’t know how to feel about the ending with him. Yes I do love his character and it was super cool to hang around him and do a couple of missions with him but also it felt weird that now you’re technically playing as the bad guy.

Eivor was really cool to play as. I enjoyed running around as them and doing missions. I like the fact that Eivor was basically like “yo you guys [ pointing to the brotherhood ] are fucking crazy but you guys [ pointing to the templars/order of ancients ] are really fucking crazy and weird.” I really loved basically being an assassin and using the hidden blade again. (Yeah I know they technically aren’t an assassin but yknow just an honorary one).

The Canterbury Tales!! The fucking pardoner’s tale!! That was super cool to do I loved those stories and being able to do them in the game made me super happy. I know it doesn’t actually fit the timeline given it wasnt written until like centuries after the game took place but I just thought that side mission was neat!

Fulke was a very cool templar and I thought her character was really really interesting. I wish they did more with her honestly.

What I didn’t like about the game:

So! Speaking of templars! Boy oh boy I have a lot to say for that subject. So for “the order of ancients”:

— I think my biggest problem with this game (as well as odyssey) is that the templars (“OOA”) aren’t actually important to the game anymore. They’re barely in the story now like out of all 20 or so people you have to kill within their order only like 5 or 6 are actually important to the storyline and that’s my biggest problem with it, because now killing the templars is just like a “well since you’re in the area you can kill this dude” and I really hate it. I truly believe that’s why I didn’t like odyssey that much solely bc they made doing the most core part of the video game series a damn side mission and that also goes for Valhalla.

— Also so many of the templar stories, like scenes we get after you kill them, were just so bland. They don’t make them like they used to and that’s another big core part of the series lost.

— They’re straying very far from the main plot of the series and that’s why these last two games didn’t feel anything like an assassin’s creed game. (And you can’t say that “it’s just different because they’re taking place in a time way before the templars were called templars” bc assassins creed origins did very well to changing their game and how they play but also keeping the main goal from previous games: To be an assassin and kill the templars.)

— Also they need to not show us the outline of who the templars are because I could tell who “the father” was as soon as I was able to see the order tab. Please Ubisoft do better.

I know I said this before however the fucking Beowulf mission. My God Did I Hate That. I was really looking forward to the dlc and to see what they did with the story sucked. In Odyssey we got actual Greek monsters and gods and I expected to be given that in Valhalla for the norse deities. And it didn’t happen. (As of right now I can’t comment on the Asgard missions because I haven’t finished them but I’ll probably edit the post and put them in later)

As of right now with the ending and lore shit I’m really kind of indifferent with it. On one hand they are trying to fix the lore that they kind of fucked up in Odyssey by adding more things to explain it better but also that means they added on unnecessary stuff that makes no sense. On the other hand I really hate that Layla is now technically canonically dead because shes now in the grey and basim now has the one thing that would’ve kept her alive. I really wanted them to do more with her like they did with Desmond. I genuinely enjoyed her as a main protagonist and it sucks that she is now dead. Layla deserves so much better honestly!!!!

Also on des: While I don’t want to smack away a fan service gift that includes desmond; it did kind of feel weird that he’s back in the series. Honestly I don’t know how to go about this. I’m super excited that technically desmond is back in a way but on the other hand I wanted them to focus on Layla more and :( Idk man it’s complicated. They have to stop changing the story’s main protagonists Layla deserved to be in more games and hopefully she will be because her “death” felt so cheap. I also wish they explained what happened with her during the year apart from odyssey and Valhalla.

The side missions I have no problem with except for the fact that the little side mission icon just stayed in the place you first show up to to get the mission. I miss the old side mission mechanic bc this new one felt really really confusing and it made me get lost quite a few times.

This one might just be me but I guess they’re expanding more on the gods reincarnating but they’re not focusing on the sages anymore? Like when will Elijah Miles (the newest sage) be shown?? Odyssey fucked up that lore bit but now they’re not even talking about it because any isu god can reincarnate or can take ahold of anyone if they interact with a piece of eden or something. Idk this one little bit is super confusing for me right now and I don’t like that it’s confusing so I will be doing more research on the isu (again) to understand what the fuck is going on with this damn part of the lore.

I know that this is a game where you kill people but this whole game felt so gore-y that I like had to drop it for a bit. Like dude I didn’t really expect that. This one I really feel like is just me. I did not expect to like hear bones breaking when I played it.

The storyline felt kind of all over the place like yes I could understand the big part of the story but also it was all over the fucking place. I just miss the old plot I really do that had a system that was so good it caused several games to follow it’s lead. (I miss AC1 please remaster that damn game)

Also maybe it’s just me but the story felt so slow at the beginning when ur going to England. Literally I hate to say this bc I love this whole series but I was more happy about finally finishing the main storyline than I was while playing the game.

All in all: I did like the game. I did have fun even though some parts were rough. I’m super glad that they got rid/fixed the ship mechanic because I hated every fucking naval battle in assassins creed and that’s something I was worried about doing when I saw that we had longships in the story. The game was enjoyable and it had a lot of great side characters like Hytham, Gunnar, and Yanli. Basim was a treat, though I hope they explain more about him bc I’m going to be honest he’s a bit confusing with this whole loki thing. But yeah this is all I have so far on the game. If you actually read all the way down here comment or like shoot me message to talk about it bc I really really want to talk about the game. Pls pls pls.

[gracereadstoomanybooks]

answering questions I’ve been asked on TikTok✨

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QUESTION: how did you get into reading?

So, when I was in middle school (many moons ago) we had this thing called AR Testing. Basically, you read a book and take a test on it—the questions were things that happened in the book, it was really simple. If you got a good grade, you got points. The more points you earned, the more eligible you were for the reading party at the end of each semester. Me, being the nerd I am, got top of my class because I went through 8th grade level books like it was nothing. The librarian at my school brought me books from the high school to read since everything was easy for me, and alas, my addiction began. And now that I have adult money, it’s a true addiction. Also, telling my father “I’m bored” and his response being, “go read a book or something” so thanks dad.

QUESTION: what’s one book you ALWAYS recommend to people?

This one is tough because I’ve read THOUSANDS of books, but if I had to choose one, it would probably be Confess by Colleen Hoover. I fell in love with her work in high school when I first read Ugly Love, but Confess is the type of book that pulls at your heart strings, y’all. It has everything people love: humor, sexual tension, drama, love. GO BUY THE DAMN BOOK. Or honestly any book by Colleen Hoover—she’s a fucking amazing author.

QUESTION: outside of making TikToks, what do you do for a living?

I currently work at a restaurant and hate every second of it. If anyone tells you to become a server, DONT. It’s not worth the hassle, I promise you. Sure, you can make decent money but the amount of rude customers and shitty tips you receive each shift is very disheartening. If you really need a job, do anything BUT work in the food industry.

QUESTION: what’s your wattpad story about?

First question: which one? I have about 30 drafts sitting there waiting to be posted. But, I’m going to assume you’re talking about the Harry Styles fan fiction I’ve been working on for the past 4 years and haven’t had the courage to post. I’ll tell you a little about it: Elaine Aldridge is forced into a betrothal to a man she’s never met & loathes. She goes to his court and realizes things aren’t what they truly seem. And the guard her future husband sticks on her??? None other than Mr. Harry Styles. Add in some magic & deaths and you’ve got my story— The First Prince. (Honestly, that’s an extremely shitty description so if you wanna check it out go to my wattpad account)

QUESTION: how old are you?

Ahem. . . twenty-one.

QUESTION: what is your dream career?

Being a published author and having people rave about my books. That’s all. Or, an editor for a publishing company. Imagine reading all day and being paid for it🤩

QUESTION: what was your least favorite read of 2020?

I already KNOW I’m gonna get shit for this but....... the wicked king. YALL I LITERALLY COULDNT GET THROUGH IT IM SO SORRY, I STILL HAVENT FINISHED IT

QUESTION: current favorite author?

Sarah. J. Maas. I don’t know what it is about her writing style, but it’s addicting. Throne of Glass is hands down the best series I’ve ever read. A Court of Thorns and Roses is the first book I’ve EVER reread. Her stories truly suck you in and hold onto you—you get lost so easily in her writing and it’s like once you’re done with a series, nothing will compare. Or, at least that’s how I felt after finishing Kingdom of Ash. Honorable mentions: Jennifer L. Armentrout, Penelope Douglas, L.J Shen, Elle Kennedy and Kennedy Fox.

QUESTION: any recommendations/tips to give to a new reader?

I’ve always given this advice to people who want to get into reading: find what you like and start with that. If you like romance, I’ve got a list for you to choose from. Mystery? Another list. Sci-fi? I GOT YOU. Fantasy? Yes! Sports fiction? It might take me a second but I’ll find you a book. Nonfiction? I’m zero help in that category, honestly. The point of the matter is that you’re never going to enjoy a book if you aren’t interested in the underlying topics.

QUESTION: do you ever find yourself comparing your life to fictional life?

Yes. All the time. I daydream about being apart of the Inner Circle and living in Terrasen with Aelin and Rowan. I think about what it would be like to have real powers and a mate. It drives my boyfriend crazy—but he loves me anyway.

QUESTION: what are your most anticipated books of 2021?

Here’s a list:

A Court of Silver Flames by Sarah J. Maas

The Crown of Gilded Bones by Jennifer L. Armentrout

Gods and Monsters by Shelby Mahurin

Crescent City 2 (Untitled) by Sarah J. Maas

A Vow So Bold and Deadly by Brigid Kemmerer (I just ordered this one & it arrives tomorrow)

Blessed Monsters by Emily A. Duncan

QUESTION: why did you start a Tumblr?

Honestly, I used to love tumblr when I was in grade school (way too young to be on here then but what else is new). I like having an extra space to get my questions and comments out without having to compress it into a 60 second video for TikTok to see. Tumblr is a good place to blog & post things like this.

QUESTION: what’s your favorite song right now?

I’ve listened to Carry You by Novo Amor every day for the past two months and I cry each time.

QUESTION: why write Harry Styles fan fiction?

Simple: I love Harry Styles. I’ve been a fan of him and One Direction since they were on X FACTOR. Read that again. X. Factor. I used to watch their performances on YouTube before WMYB even came out. Of course, I love all of the 1D boys but I was always a Harry gal. And I look up to him in a way—I’ve read things about people wishing they knew him personally and honestly? I would never want to meet him. I like the version of him I’ve cooked up in my brain over the past 10 years. I like the symbiotic relationship I have with his music. Fine Line is a ✨masterpiece✨. HS1 is a ✨work of art✨.

now, some topics I’ve been asked way too many times and want to finally get to:

QUESTION: political views?

the saying “anyone but trump” has been in my brain for the past four years. No, I’m not a republican. No, I’m not a democrat. I like to think of myself as a progressive (ahem, liberal) Did I vote for a democratic candidate? Yes, and I’d do it again and again until the US isn’t one of the worst countries—I’m sorry, businesses— to be apart of. I wanted Bernie but got Biden, and I’m alright with that. And my girl Kamala🥳

QUESTION: how did you feel about the BLM protests?

I went to multiple BLM protests and donated a lot of funds to BLM & other organizations. It’s 2021, people... stop being fucking RACIST. And don’t be afraid to call racist people out! Black Lives Matter, even if no one is posting about it anymore.

QUESTION: thoughts on abortion?

your body your choice, queen! not my uterus, not my problem.

QUESTION: there was a comment on an old video of yours talking about r*pe, why did you delete the comment?

I made a video when I first started my account on TikTok about reading in public and feeling “turned on” by it. Go watch it if you don’t know what I’m talking about. BUT, some ignorant male decided to comment and say “this is how girls get r*ped”. Whew. So. I deleted the comment because ....

I am a victim of sexual assault. Along with a lot of other women. 1 in 5 women have been victims of sexual assault. Talking about being r*ped isn’t funny.

No one else needed to see his comment. I reported it immediately and his account was shut down.

I never got justice for what happened to me, and the fact that some random male—who had never even met me or seen me before my video showed up on his FYP—had the nerve to comment that? Unacceptable.

this question isn’t as controversial but

QUESTION: what’s the best way to get out of a toxic relationship?

okay, let me just start off by saying that the people around you who love and support you are going to be your backbone. Leaving a toxic situation is hard, and every situation is different, but my best piece of advice to offer you is don’t be afraid to ask for help. Your loved ones are going to be there for you when you need them, even if you don’t believe they will. If you explain what’s happening, someone you know and love will drop whatever it is their doing to make sure you get out safely. good luck my babes.

now, back to our regularly scheduled program:

QUESTION: any tips on making tiktoks?

Literally none. I post what I think is funny and relatable and if anyone agrees, I’m satisfied. Even if it’s one view, it’s good enough for me. So I guess my one tip is to not base your life off of an app and followers.

QUESTION: favorite Harry Styles fanfic?

DONT MAKE ME CHOOSE. Duplicity is up there, along with Stall 1&2, and Kiwi. After? Absolutely not.

QUESTION: favorite WEBTOON?

y’all already KNOW. LORE OLYMPUS BY USEDBANDAID. Rachel is a genius and I have reread the series a million times. Hades is my soulmate and Apollo can rot in the fiery pits of the Underworld. also, if we’re talking about other webcomics, reading Walk on Water on mangadex...🤫

QUESTION: favorite movie?

Howls Moving Castle. I will be getting my “a heart is a heavy burden” tattoo very very soon.

QUESTION: I read your Elain theory on tumblr, can you explain a little more?

I thought I was pretty straightforward but I’ll say it again: she is always the “good” one and it’s too suspicious. SJM has already given one Archeron sister a happy ending, Nesta’s is obviously inevitable, but Elain? She has too many options for a happy ending. Lucien, who is her “mate”. Azriel, who is intrigued by her slightly. Her human guy—I don’t remember his name—who is disgusted that she’s not human anymore. Or, alone, planting flowers all day. BUT! My point is that she’s not truly happy. She was forced into the Cauldron just like Nesta. She was ripped away from the life she loved so dearly and didn’t want to give up. The man she was going to marry now hates her guts because she’s a High Fae. She has the perfect set up for a villain plot line and I’m all here for it.

well, that’s all I feel like doing tonight. hope you enjoyed my little q&a! be kind, and talk to you later! byeeee!

[bullets-and-masks]

Fantastic Flustercuck: Lore, Interesting points, and a little thinking through

Here we go! This list is really, really big. I’ll do a short analysis/critic later on, but I want to get this out now! We’ll have 4 sessions: 1. Krieg and the Crimson Raiders 2. Krieg and Maya 3. Krieg and Himself  4. Final Notes 

Session 01: Krieg and the Raiders

Sane Krieg starts by calling Psycho Krieg him; and dividing their mind between two minds, as if there are thoughts only Psycho Krieg has that he can’t access and/or understand 

There’s a constant JACK voiceover that can be heard anywhere. Sadly, I didn’t catch the words, but sounded like the pre recorded messages at the preserve in Bl2

The first section of the DLC, the Castle raid, is considered imporant because it’s the first mission Krieg did along with the Crimson Raiders after a while 

During this section, we fight the raiders

Brick and Modercai come first. They talk about how Krieg is too crazy to be a part of the Raiders. Sane Krieg does not want to fight them. Psycho Krieg fights - but it’s fear

Tannis quickly accesses it as fear of rejection. Krieg always had an issue with how the Raiders see him 

Despite this Sane Krieg does know they’re friends, his family 

Also sane Krieg uses the word oaf and that’s like... really funny 

In this, Tannis says she relates to fear of rejection, but quickly corrects saying she doesn’t care 

There’s the implication that Krieg’s eye was clawed out by a skag 

The “Evil Lilith” inside his head calls him an animal, a beast, a weapon just to be used. Says they never cared if he lived or died

Sane Krieg quickly corrects this isn’t how she spoke to us

Lilith is tagged as “Scary fire lady” and that’s kind of adorable

Sane Krieg shows Psycho Krieg an old memory about how the Raiders treat him, and it’s the Raiders inviting Krieg to a bar. They don’t mind how he acts and laugh along with him 

But Krieg follows from a distance

The Raiders guard his buzzaxe = strenght and attack

Krieg has a dialogue with himself that goes sorta like: Sane Krieg: (smth about finding out who is he, really) Psycho Krieg: Fragile Things

Sane Krieg also mentions wanting to learn dance, saying he has to exercise to keep his abs, calling it “lean muscle”

Session 02: Krieg and Maya

Oh boy

As soon as they see a memory of Maya, Sane Krieg wants to be careful. He doesn’t want the memory corrupted like the Raiders’. 

Krieg KNOWS she is dead

Sane Krieg says Maya is the only thing he and Psycho Krieg ever agreed on 

despite this, during the DLC they seem to get along better and better, Krieg is really working on themselves

Maya drops her book before proceeding. The player has to go after. Flowers grow on the ground where we walk

Tannis states diferent brain activity readings at this point, saying Krieg can really focus on Maya 

Maya is taken by Locomobius, the monster train, and Sane Krieg says it’s because at the time they met, Psycho Krieg thought the train was taking her

Maya tells him in a goodbye ECHO: “No matter how far appart we are, I’ll always be with you.”

The name of the mission to catch Locomobius and free the memories of Maya is what love remains 

Sane Krieg says the memories are all he has left of Maya

There’s a flashback to when they met, and it shows that Maya invited Krieg to come with her because he showed knowing how to fight 

She does call him Big Guy constantly

Krieg has memories of Athenas, implying he has been there 

Athenas is guarded by eridians, here funcioning as guardians to the memories of Maya 

This is all viewed by Tannis as the protections of a grieving mind

The flashback about when they met also reveals that Krieg expressed he didn’t think he had anything to offer Maya and she understood him 

It it’s not explained, whoever, how she understands him, but it’s very strongly implied that she sees his through thoughts/the translation of psycho speech

Maya guards his gauntlet = his defenses and hope 

Even now, Maya is still a figure of hope for him 

Sane Krieg complains about how Psycho Krieg lost a watch that he cared for

Session 2.5: Maya’s Spirit

Maya’s Last ECHO Maya leaves for Krieg one last ECHO that explains why she’s staying on Athenas for an indefinite time - to teach Eva.  She says she knows she’ll pass her powers to Eva which implies she suspects her death could be soon.  She says she can feel all the sirens that came before her like energy flowing, and says that if she days she’ll be among the stars waiting for him.  There’s the quote, from her: “Even death and time can’t keep us appart from each other.”

The Spirit Maya stays in Krieg’s mind in a shining black and white form. At first, It looks like it might be his perception of her, the way she appears in his mind, but upon further triggering dialogue, there’s a lot of things told from a perspective that make it sound like Krieg didn’t know, and that also Maya is aware of this new form for her.

Quotes say: 

that she never thought she could care about anyone the way she cared about Krieg

says that Krieg’s mind is less messy than she thought it’d be

had noodles in Minus-Prime, and loves it 

she dyes her hair!

Maya says with all the words Siren’s have the power to leave memory on objects, memory that are almost a spirt 

So this could be a fragment of Maya, alive in Krieg’s mind through the last ECHO he ever got from her

Also her spirit also mentions that one day a hotel showed up in Athenas, she slept there, it was a super interesting place, and she woke up lying on grass the morning after. Mancubus’ traveling hotel? 

Session 03: Krieg and Himself 

And Hyperion. 

Krieg was at Hyperion to do a job at a lab

but then was “taken” by them. also not specified if he was taken for doing the wrong job, or he was there not hired by them and was captured 

It is not specified what job, but he does mention he was a mercenary

The scientist responsible for him was Dr Benedict, and the called the subjects rejects of society

Sane Krieg says the lab saw the subjects as just meat. This is easily read as way Psycho Krieg registers meat as something that matters so much

Dr Benedict considered/might have done it: sweing the mouths of subjects shut or extracting their tongues so they couldn’t complain 

Sane Krieg was really soft y’all... He fights a rat while imprisioned and names it Tawanda - unclear what happens to it - but Krieg says they’ll take care of each other

Krieg tells Tawanda “I’m called Krieg”. In a further ECHO, Dr Benedict calls Krieg Subject 24C. So Krieg really isn’t his name, and he can’t remember it 

There’s an audio from Dr Benedict about an non specific subject asking to see his son, which the dr considers crazy, but all the others audios, even if not mentioning Krieg by name, seemed to be about him...

Sane Krieg sits along with Pyscho Krieg in an aparent crumbled cell space watching shadows that he calls The World. It’s Plato’s Allegory of the Cave, here showing Krieg is content with the world presented to him, unable, weak or even afraid to explore. It speaks to a false meaning he found to have the sense of living without having the strenght to do so

the player destroys the allegory, thus freeing Sane Krieg to see the actual world, a further step in regaining his mind as a world to really live in - he truly was trapped in himself

Bloodlust is a type of psychosis studied by Dr Benedict. It’s unclear wheter he created it, or what is behind it, but he uses a gas to infect people

considers making a gas bomb to infect whole populations

there’s a line from the Dr about how brain probing worsed pyschosis

the gas didn’t affect Krieg like the others - it is also unclear why 

a mission with a Fear Mom, completely referencing the Clockwork Orange, tells Krieg to drink Milk to grow strong so “no one will hurt you ever again.” This could be read as remnants of his past self, creating a place to feel cared for someway, but also embracing the ultraviolence of his being and the brainwashing he went through

this side mission rewards a gun with the flavor text our eyes are yet to open like a baby, or like someone who lacks clarity 

Krieg cared a lot about people before going insane. He holds strongly to a sense of right and wrong he calls goodness, and values innocence a lot

The Psycho personality is a schism that showed up in several test subjects that manifested the same personality

Dr Benedict wanted to change the subject pool to see the relation and considers an elementary school class

Also considers putting the gas in water supply to infect people since the gas won’t work on open areas

Psycho Krieg saves Sane Krieg when he had given up on scaping 

It is a bloodbath Psycho Krieg calls Tea Party

Sane Krieg sees this realization, about being saved and the Vault Hunter being inside his head, as Psycho Krieg letting people in

Hyperion kept his mask from him = “false face is protection”

Upon defeating the boss, the Gigantic Krieg tied to an experimentation bed fades.

After taking the mask, this Three Figures walk into a portal in his mind and disappear forever. Sane Krieg doesn’t remember who they are and remarks that he forgot his past entirely.  But looks at Psycho Krieg and decides on Forging a future.

They tell jokes to each other constantly, though Psycho Krieg only tells a decent joke by the end of the DLC. The joke is the one coherent sentence he can make; showing a lot of progress in how he communicates, but not changing who he is.  By the end, his mind is empty, and both Kriegs work together to fill it slowy with new memories and thoughts. They start with Maya, and keep creating until she says “Enough for now. Come in and tell me about your day”, to which Krieg responds FUSING INTO HIMSELF, WHOLE, and walking into the house with her. The voiceover from Krieg tells us we’re always breaking and hurting, but we put ourselves together again, never perfect, but close enough. Always fixing ourselves. 

Final Notes:

This DLC was really good, imo. I really liked the direction it took and I’m glad it wasn’t TOO wacky, loosing all the meaning and more seriousness it could have. It is a great character exploration, respects Krieg as a character and the one around him and their relationships.  Krieg comes out as not needing fixing, and instead making peace with all he is and growing.  Canon things confirmed:  Worked as a mercenary, was a Crimson Raider, was one invited by Maya, was loved back, was experimented on by Hyperion, was saved by himself.

[regrettablewritings]

Podcasts, Youtubes, and TV Shows to Distract Yourself With Because Why Not, and Also Because I Wanna Blab About Some of These

Since I can’t go to work and horrify my coworkers/make them realize I’m a mess and/or nerd by telling them about the type of media I’m into, I’m foisting my recommendations on all of y’all who choose to read this. I frankly do not care how many people have actually heard of these things because I’m also sure there’s plenty of people who, like me, are very slow and oblivious to entertainment, or who have heard of the property but were never that convinced.

Kipo and the Age of the Wonderbeasts

Type: TV series

200 years after a mysterious yet earth-shattering event, much of humanity has taken to living beneath the surface in communities called burrows, wherein life goes on, if effected somewhat by the bizarre fauna that exists above them (referred to as “mutes”, short for “mutant”). One burrow girl, Kipo, founds her world turned almost literally inside-out when she finds herself not only separated from her father and the only world she’s ever known, but on the surface, no less. What ensues is her trying to find her way back home with the help of a stony-faced little girl with a massive chip on her shoulder; a music enthusiast and his literal gadfly friend; and some . . . unusual allies that only an oblivious optimist like Kipo could make. All to a kickass soundtrack, a beautiful backdrop of art, and a world where animals have basically evolved into gangs under a looming threat known as Scarlemagne. If you can’t already tell, I love this series to bits and now is the perfect time for people to get into it and encourage another season of it. Just . . . don’t think too hard that whatever happened to cause the Event in the show happened in October 2020 . . .

Available on: Netflix

My Dad Wrote a Porno

Type: Podcast

This should go without saying, but this podcast is definitely meant for more mature audiences. Or somebody with a strong stomach. Not that it’ll always be easy to tell with the type of content this series gives. When Jamie Morton’s father handed him his manuscripts for his self-published books, he had no idea he was being given a pinnacle of a polished turd: It was erotica. Really, really, really bad erotica. But the ear’s trash is the heart’s pleasure with this bad girl, as Jamie enlists the company of friends Alice and James to provide commentary on “Rocky Flintstone”’s series Belinda Blinked, a drama chronicling the sexcapades of Belinda Blumenthal as she climbs the ladders (and men and women) both in and out of the cut-throat world of pots and pans sales. What follows is a goldmine of awkward metaphors, strange bedmates, and just an overall stampede of whiplashing events that somehow exceed expectations. Listen in if you dare . . . And make sure you’re in good company for it. Fun Fact, though: Daisy Ridley, Ben Barnes, Lin-Manuel Miranda, Michael Sheen, Mara Wilson, Elijah Wood are but a few well-known fans of this series! Nobody is safe . . .

Available on: Wherever podcasts can be found

Lore

Type: Podcast

Sometimes, truth is stranger than fiction. And what better way to be reminded of that, then to have the dulcet tones of Aaron Mahnke tell you about the lighthouse incident that the 2016 movie The Lighthouse was loosely inspired by? Suffice to say, this podcast could also be interpreted with some advised discretion, but definitely in a way that’s different from My Dad Wrote a Porno. In the centuries humankind has existed, we’ve managed to create a menagerie of beasts, both fictional and in ourselves. Lore explores all the many different kinds of events and persons and creatures we have to offer. In any given episode, we could be talking about anything from the bizarre story of a lady who convinced 18th century physicians that she was giving birth to rabbits, to something more disturbing like the life of H.H. Holmes. Or something as relatively innocuous as the relationship between gremlins and flight. Regardless of the subject, however, you’ll definitely walk away knowing something new, if bizarre. And perhaps slightly terrifying.

Available on: Wherever podcasts can be found

The Amelia Project

Type: Podcast

Congratulations: You have been made aware of The Amelia Project. If you’re not interested in this, exit the page. Now. If you continue, there’s no unhearing it. Good choice! A new interest awaits. If you don’t enjoy it, please consider the whole thing a hoax. Okay but in all seriousness, there’s no way to do The Amelia Project justice in just a simple description. The plot sounds quite simple, really: People want to disappear and start a new life, The Amelia Project is there to help – with a price. And that’s if you can actually get a hold of them! What really makes the show, however, are the people and the writing, and I’m not just talking about the almost childlike Interviewer with an obsession for hot cocoa. I’m talking about the clientele: I’m talking about the macabre-obsessed theme park owner who’s out for revenge; the cult leader who’s in way over his head; a Santa impersonator stuck in a miserable marriage with his own manager; an actual podcast character trying to outrun his creators. And obviously this would all be nowhere without the spectacular writing! I really can explain this series without blabbing on and potentially spoiling things; The Amelia Project is an experience!

Available on: Wherever podcasts can be found

LegalEagle

Type: Youtube channel

To be frank, I just like learning for the sake of learning, even if I may not always necessarily understand the topic or have any plans to use it in the foreseeable future. The big difference here being that at least this channel makes learning about the law fun and breaks it down. Headed by a certified lawyer (because what an age we live in, where professionals actually take time out of their lives to teach us common folk), there’s a multitude of series D.J. Stone uses to help break down the complex world of law, from reviewing the realism of procedural favorites (Law & Order, The Good Wife, HTGAWM, etc), to analyzing real-life situations, to even watching childhood media that has nothing to do with the law and determining how much money, say, Willy Wonka would owe in a lawsuit. In short, it is one of my worst subjects done in one of my favorite ways to learn! Plus, Stone hates business students and is perfectly willing to poke fun at law students so it’s all fun, frankly.

Available on: Youtube

Nando v Movies

Type: Youtube channel

Sometimes, movies are bad. Sometimes, they’re good. And sometimes, they could use a few adjustments in hindsight. Especially the nerdier movies where the directors may or may not have tried way too hard or way too little. And that’s where Nando comes in: Whether it’s explaining why a different villain might have worked better for a hero’s origin story movie, or analyzing how one seemingly small adjustment could’ve potentially made more sense in explaining characterization, this channel is always providing a new perspective on a movie or show you’ve probably seen and maybe weren’t necessarily too pleased with. (Or maybe you were – I enjoyed Justice League okay but I love the version he rewrote more.) Oh, yeah: Sometimes he does rewrites of movies or even series. So if you’re anything like me and you’re way into that, this is a channel you don’t want to miss out on.

Available on: Youtube

DEATH BATTLE!

Type: Youtube channel

Does anyone remember Deadliest Warrior? No? . . . How about that one time during lunch where you and your friend got into it over who would win in a death match between Superman and Goku? Good news: A buncha geeks did the math for you and have come out with the results! Specifically, hosts Wiz and Boomstick have analyzed the weapons, armor, and skills of each combatant in every episode, resulting in an ongoing series of absolute nonsense and satiation of bloodshed. The description is admittedly nothing crazy, but the amount of detail applied is honestly where it’s at: From calculating how loud Black Canary’s screams are to approximating Scrooge McDuck’s speed (I’m not kidding you), there’s actual thought put into the characters being assembled and how they might fair with their respective combatant. And it all comes together for an actual fight, often animated but always amazing. So if you’ve ever wondered if Thor could beat Wonder Woman, or if McGruff the Crime Dog stands a chance against Smokey the Bear (I’m…I’m being honest), then this is the show for you!

Available on: Youtube

Sideways

Type: Youtube channel

If there is music in that movie or show, it will be analyzed to a degree that, unless you’ve been trained in music, you would’ve probably never thought about. There isn’t necessarily much rhyme or reason to Sideways’ videos in terms of themes beyond music, but really, must they? Is it not enough that this man is screaming to the internet these wack and awesome trends he’s noticed in certain pieces associated with movies and musicals and the genius behind them? Could life not just be him explaining the symbolism of the instruments associated with the Crystal Gems of Steven Universe, or breaking down the cultures explored by way of the Black Panther soundtrack? Also, here’s a fun drinking game: Take a shot every time he mentions leitmotifs or the Dies Irae.

Available on: Youtube

Craig of the Creek

Type: TV show

In the woods of suburban Maryland, there exists a kid’s utopia: A place where horse girls are free to roam the fields, where a boy can be a king of garbage, and where children travel the sewers completely unsupervised. That is, until the dinner horn rings; then they have to go home until the next time they can return to The Creek. The show focuses on one specific trio (Craig, JP, and Kelsey) as every day, The Creek (and their own childish naivete) brings them new hijinks to experience. There’s a blissful lightheartedness to the show, in addition to a lot of creativity that feels like it was ripped straight out of your own imagination as a child (robots made from cardboard boxes, building portals using lights, etc). But beneath it all, there’s something just plain wild brewing. I don’t want to spoil anything, but CotC has some G-rated GOT shit going on the further along the series goes and I can’t wait to see how it all unfolds!

Available on: CN app, wcostream.com

And that’s probably enough for now, I think. Lemme know if you want any other suggestions, or how you’re findin’ ‘em if you take any of them up! Stay safe, stay healthy my dudes!

[jq37]

The Report Card – Fantasy High Sophomore Year Ep 10

System Reboot

What is up? Happy Year of the Double Crit to everyone and welcome back to our jailbreak already in progress! To remind you of what’s happening, Fig along with Kristen and Ayda went to Calethriel Tower to bust out Adaine. While all the hirelings (except for Gilear who is with the Van he is not allowed to drive) went to destroy one pylon and the boys went to the closer pylon with a plume of smoke coming out of it. 

Ayda casts invisibility on her group and flies them to the tower (guess we have us a buff wizard here).Meanwhile, in the tower, things are still going crazy. As Anguin and Kier are confused, time goes wonky and Adaine sees a rift open to a live feed of Aguefort back at his desk. When Adaine confirms that she is kidnapped and her kidnappers have decided on the  way of pain, Aguefort crawls through the rift, enlarges himself to 300 feet, declares war on Falinel, grabs the SUN out of the SKY, breathes fire, raises 1000s of Terra Cotta Aguefort warriors, and starts marching with them away from the tower. 

All EXTREMELY wild things but, as you’ll notice, not things that directly get Adaine out of jail. 

Adaine’s rescue party sees all of this and can generally tell this is Aguefort doing a thing that’s probably supposed to be helpful but trying to read him is always a total crapshoot. Ayda freaks a little at being in the vicinity of her dad but Fig helps to reassure her. 

Back with the boys, they’re all Naruto running towards their pylon which is an elven smithy. It’s a stone building, covered in moss and, inside there are 3 braziers holding coal and 3 statues holding pitchers of water. In the center of the hexagonal room is a firepit with a helix of magic that is clearly the source of magic powering the permanent magical effects on the tower. There are channels going from the pitches to the pit in the center, not to the braziers. 

On a 27, Riz sees that the braziers are super trapped with a Conjure Elemental spell. After aggressively emotionally supporting each other (“I believe in you.”), Gorgug and Fabian prepare attacks while Riz triggers the trap by shooting the mechanism since it is supposed to be triggered by a cantrip and they didn’t bring a single spellcaster. (Which was actually for strategic reasons but it sounds crazy when you actually think about it). 

A fire elemental pops out but, with them getting the jump on it, they’re able to womp it with very minimal problems. Then, they break the corresponding pitcher of water so it flows into the center of the room. One down, two to go. The magic fire thing changes colors and they figure some alarm has been triggered but with all the Aguefort nonsense going on they hope it will draw the attention away from them.

They trigger the second elemental and things get a little hairier. People are on fire. It becomes very clear that not bringing a healer might have been a questionable decision. But then, lo and behold, Fabian springs into action, dancing around and putting out Riz and Gorgug when they ignite with an elven blanket which everyone knows puts out fire. He even asks to make an extra roll to do it all fancy which is something we haven’t seen from him in a while. And he rolls well!    

They finish off the second elemental/statue pitcher and the indicator in the firepit is blinking. Plus, there was a flash from the other pylon earlier so they know the hirelings are doing well. That just leaves the last elemental. 

Riz has the idea to put out the fire in the brazier before triggering the final trap and Fabian, citing the common knowledge that Brennan made up twenty minutes ago, says that everyone knows elven blankets put out fires. Brennan tucks himself into the bed he made for himself and has Fabian do an acrobatics check (DC 20 to not have something bad happen, DC 25 to have something good happen) and with +8 and advantage he hits a 24. 

Fabian runs up to the brazier and triggers a trap that makes it erupt. The elemental bursts out and Fabian pulls it into his blanket and does one of those ballroom dancing dips. Brennan asks if he truly believes in the power of dance enough to take the damage from tangoing with this elemental. It’s Lous Wilson. What do you think he says? Fabian takes 22 points of fire damage, but holds on. It’s so beautiful that the elemental is stunned out of combat and Riz doesn’t attack it, breaking the last pitcher instead. 

The elemental gains a more humanoid form and face, thanks Fabian, and kisses him for 8 points of fire damage, which he is SUPER into. As they kiss, the elemental extinguishes except for a spark that finds its way into Fabian’s chest. Wild. But that’s Spring Break bay-bee!

Now, back to the girls. 

When they get to the tower, Kristen sees Kier, Anguin, and four green men-like magical constructs. Fig disguises herself to look like Aguefort (which is majorly distressing to Ayda), hoping she can do some intimidation. With the permanent magical effects on the tower down, they have no problem getting in and they clock where Adaine is being held immediately so they fly up and Fig casts Shatter. Time for Combat, part 2!

Fig Hexblades curses Anguin 100% out of solidarity/spite rather than strategy, which I respect. Anguin charms Fig to attack Ayda while still disguised as her dad which is distressing for both of them. Adaine messages Aelwyn and tells her to get ready for a rescue. 

Anguin Dominate Persons Fig but Ayda dispels it so she’s back in it. 

Kristen calls her grad student Spirit Guardians and Adaine, who is still super locked up and in the process of being rescued, takes the time to snark at them. Kristen and Ayda make their wisdom saves to not be forced to flee by Kier but Fig fails. Ayda dispels it with a, “Dad, don’t leave!” Yikes.

Fig hits all the green men with Burning Hands and they super don’t like that. Adaine uses her turn to send Boggy out to help Fig. Anguin tries Dominate Person on Kristen but she just makes her save.

She fires back with Blindness which Kier saves from but Anguin doesn’t. Kier tries to Banish Kristen but fails and then Ayda dispels Adaine’s orb and runs out to get Aelwyn out too. Adaine firebolts the most injured green man to death and then, in a very on brand move, almost immediately slaps her dad. Amidst all the damage, Fig asks Adaine whether she wants her dad killed or just maimed. Adaine, keeping the same energy she’s had all season, wants him dead. Fig is happy to help with the request. Kristen Banishes Kier who fails her save with a big ‘ol Nat 1. Then Ayda runs in holding a practically comatose Aelwyn. 

Adaine tries to get a bead on her fleeing dad who’s gotten rid of his blindness and gone invisible (in a bitch move according to her) but she just singes the edges of his clothes. She can tell he’s probably going for the Vault downstairs. Which is why Kristen, the former chosen of Helio and current main party healer, in her infinite wisdom and with her -3 to Dex, decides to ribbon dance/rappel (????) down a ten story tower to catch him before he escapes. Brennan, decides to let the dice handle this one and she rolls a 17 minus 3 which is 14. Believe it or not, that is not enough to “use a dance ribbon to fly.” Brennan asks for another acrobatics roll (presumably to see how bad this is gonna go) and Ally, after totally Beyblading the die out of the Box of Doom, rolls a 2 minus three for a total of *Negative 1*. 

Amazing. 

Kristen slams into the ground, takes 36 points of damage (down to 3 hp), and snaps her ankle. She then casts Zone of Truth in case Anguin runs past her I guess. And, because she took so much damage, she loses concentration on Banishment which makes Kier reappears with the green men to attack some more. Ayda comes in clutch and, following Kristen’s lead (just not about the ribbon dancing insanity) Banishes Kier again. On her turn, Fig Dimension Doors herself and Adaine down to the Vault where all her and Aelwyn’s magic stuff is (while Ayda stays in the room, attacking green men).

Adaine finds a magical talking sword called Fandrangool which she uses as a glowstick to look around the dark vault (much to its annoyance). There’s a bit of minor retconning that happens here due to a redo roll that had to happen but I’ll spare you the backtracking and just give it to you straight. On the way out of the room, Anguin had to run past Kristen’s Spirit Guardians which made him visible. Which means he’s visible to Fig when she tries to trip him on his way to the vault (meaning no disadvantage on her roll, which succeeds) and he goes unconscious when he hits the ground.  

Ayda comes into the vault to tell them they have less than a minute before Kier un-Banishes and they need to leave ASAP. Everyone makes rolls to find cool/important stuff. With a Nat 20 Arcana roll, Adaine finds her and Aelwyn’s spellbooks and the items taken from them as well as a bunch of top secret scrolls containing her mom’s research. On a 17 religion check, Kristen finds Adaine’s mom’s notes on the location of a temple in Sylvere (presumably to the Nightmare King) and, combined with what she already knows from the book in the pirate library, she knows where the temple is. On a 14 persuasion check to “make the gems dance” (idk y’all, I just record the things Emily says, I can’t explain them) she finds something about gem lore in the research and accidentally makes the tower self destruct. Oops. Ayda Invisibilizes everyone and they get OUT of there. And by “they” I mean everyone but Anguin because Adaine was serious about wanting him dead. Fig kinda wanted to keep him around to see if he could cast Planeshift but, Adaine gets the final word and the words she chooses are, “He sucks and I want him to die.”

Everyone meets back up at the Van and then they Teleport back to Fabian’s folks’ place. The elves there are very psyched to see Adaine, as a fellow elf, and her party members are even happier to see her. While talking to Telemien, they group finds out that he made the sword Adaine found and that it’s the sword of the North Star. When Gorgug suggests he should make Fabian a sword too, Adaine offers Fandrangool to him and he takes it.

Kristen pays Ayda to cast Sending to Jawbone for relationship advice. Jawbone is happy to help and agrees to find a way for them to have a longer conversation. I want to note that Kristen paid for two messages and the second just consisted of this exchange:

Kristen: Fuck yes!

Jawbone: Hell yeah.

Anyway, Fabian dances all night (sure) and Riz, Keeper of the Braincells, finds Adaine and asks what the deal with Aelwyn is since the last time the group saw her, she was super trying to kill them. Adaine gives him the short version of what happened and then Ayda comes in, carrying Aelwyn. Upon being given permission, Ayda lays Aelwyn down in Adaine’s bed and Adaine holds her. Riz reads the room and peaces out. As they trance, Aelwyn starts to regain some of her spell slots and unconsciously shields Adaine with an abjurer’s ward which is so cute and bittersweet that it nails me with 1d4 psychic damage. 

From one sweet moment to another, Ayda finds Fig and they proceed to extremely frankly compliment each other. Ayda tells Fig that she’s loud, brave, funny, charming, and exciting. Fig says Ayda is direct, analytical, and has a very unique perspective. Also, she cries fire which is dope as hell. When Ayda says that she really doesn’t have any female friends her age on Crazy Pirate Island, Fig suggests she just join up with the Bad Kids and Ayda is very down. They do the slumber party thing and it’s all very cute. 

After everyone else has turned in, Kristen gets a magic video-message from Aguefort who is looking messed up. Apparently, he OD’d on a bunch of experimental magic doing all the BS he did at the top of the ep, he seriously pissed off the government, and now he has to figure out how to move the sun back to where it’s supposed to be. Oh, and also Jawbone wants to speak with her. 

Jawbone and Kristen have a conversation where Kristen skirts the issue of what she hid from Tracker that made her upset (because, as you remember, it’s the fact that he was cheated on). Jawbone basically says that people can usually sense when they’re being manipulated and if Kristen got Tracker flowers just to make her not be mad rather than to make her happy, then of course she’s still be pissed. He also says that full transparency is important to Tracker and if Kristen genuinely didn’t realize that because it isn’t to her then she should explain that. Kristen seems to get it and also asks Jawbone to call back the next day at the same time (probably so he can talk to Sandra-Lynn).

In the morning, Fabian has a nice chat with his granddad. He would like Fabian to get to be a chill forest elf with him but Fabian knows he has a heroic duty. He does submit to eating a flower though. Elf stuff. 

Everyone meets up except for Adaine who is still with Aelwyn who is doing poorly. She brings Aelwyn to the resident healers but refuses to leave her alone. Telemein offers to take charge of Aelwyn but Adaine says it’s up to her if she wants to stay. When Aelwyn comes to, she’s not sure if they made it out of the Tower via escaping or dying. Adaine lets her know that they survived and promises to protect her while she recovers. When she sees that Aelwyn is having trouble thinking straight, she gives her Boggy to hold and ritual casts Detect Magic which pings some kind of Enchantment deep within her mind. In response, Adaine casts Detect Thoughts and finds herself in Aelwyn’s mindscape which basically looks bombed to hell like the Blitz. Her metaphorical emotional walls are represented by literal walls and battlements which have been torn up and, though they are jumbled up, Adaine can see shared childhood memories from Aelwyn’s POV. She can see that Aelwyn has spent basically their entire childhood suppressing her natural protective instincts towards Adaine out of fear of their parents and hating herself for it.

In the middle of everything, Adaine finds a really powerful magical charm made of Aelwyn's protective energy and whatever Enchantment she sensed before. Adaine can tell that this is what they were trying to torture out of Aelwyn but weren't able to. On the charm, there's writing. It says, "Despite all of the torment and tribulation, let this be proof I always knew there was only one person clever enough to find this." Adaine senses that she can dispel it and it will trigger whatever effect Aelwyn intended. Adaine does so. 

“I’m going to describe something very heartbreaking now,” says Brennan, causing me to add an item to my list of “Things You Seriously Don’t Want To Hear Your DM Say.”   

 Adaine is snapped out of Aelwyn’s thoughts and Aelwyn is briefly overcome with pain as her mind is forcibly rewritten back to its default state by the backup copy that Adaine just triggered. That’s right. No more soft-Aelwyn. The bitch is back. Eat your Goddamn dice, Brennan.

Detention

Kristen for Whatever the Hell She Thought She Was Doing With That Ribbon

You are the PARTY HEALER and you have NEGATIVE THREE DEX. Leave the parkour shenanigans to Fabian!

This was so funny though. I think I compared the Womping of Fabian to the Keyfish thing from CritRole* but this was the actual Keyfish moment because it was super dumb, unnecessary, involved a huge fall and sketchy grasp of physics, but crucially, was hilarious and not heartbreaking. 

Never change, Ally.

*lol, Now Kristen can join the club with Keyleth and Bev from Naddpod. 

Honor Roll

Fabian for Getting His Groove Back 

Look, I don’t think this episode is the most competent Fabian has ever been or the most heroic he’s ever been or the coolest he’s even been. But...didn’t he seem happy? And open? And a little daring? This is the most Fabian that Fabian has been since The Wicklaw Incident. He did so much support playing in this episode and it felt so right. I wouldn’t be surprised if he gets his subclass back soon or picked up some battle dancer or fire stuff (or maybe something totally different), at least for flavor.

He still probably has some ways to go (“I’m not sure about myself but the two of you have got this.”) but I think he was doing so much better this ep than when this little arc of personal growth started that I have to give him props. Welcome back Fabian Aramais Seacaster!

Random Thoughts

Note: Because of this ep’s title, we now 100% know that the canon spelling of Adaine’s sister’s name is Aelwen (not -wyn) but I’ll deal with that starting with next ep because this has already taken too long to finish. 

Note #2: @jamiebluewind just put up this post with various character and location descriptions you might find helpful.

OK, so are we sure the alarms triggered at the end of last episode were triggered by Aguefort? Because they went off before he actually did anything. His recording played, they pressed a button, alarms went off, and THEN he video-called Adaine. It could just be that Brennan got the order a little off after the hiatus (or that making the video-call is what caused the alarms) but I wanted to bring it up. 

Why the hell was whatever the hell THAT was Arthur’s play and not Chronomancy? Like, stop time, grab Adaine, and go. Simple. I understand the reason is that he is insane and beyond human comprehension but geez (and he has to be or else he would be the ultimate deus ex machina with no reason to not solve literally every problem above a certain level of severity).

“Why would I carry my dad in this battle he never carried me.” Aydaaaaaa.

With all the fun Fabian had playing support this episode, I wouldn’t be shocked if be picked up a level of Cleric or Bard. Or even if he just got the Magic Initiate feat which could easily be explained in story as him taking an elective or working with Fig/Adaine/Kristen to learn some basics. 

Ayda and Fig’s little, “Did he see me?”/“No, because your Invisibility spell was that good,” back and forth was so cute. They were super cute all episode really. People were shipping Adaine and Ayda which I personally didn’t get at all from their interactions which I found just friendly but I would be a lot less surprised if Fig and Ayda happened based on that whole pre-sleepover scene. (Based on their convo it also seems like they’re close in age but even if Ayda is like in her mid-20s or something, she’d still be Fig’s most age appropriate relationship which is, como se dice, slightly troubling). Anyway, y’all know I’m not a shipper but I’m very invested in their relationship however it ends up.  

Similar topic, Fig insisting Ayda be mad at her and not her dad for attacking her while Disguised? Gah, that was so much. 

Emily’s line of the episode was casually summing up her entire character by going, “I usually look like someone else but I mean what I say.”

Also, LOL at her just rocking into the fight as Aguefort playing the bass. What a visual. 

Murph’s Tomb Raiding 101 bit was extremely funny. 

“I would like to toss The Ball.”

Did you catch when the group realized that they left the boys with no healers and Emily was like, “Oh no, I forgot you weren't a paladin,” to Murph? I figured that was a reference to the fact that Murph’s favored archetype (in his own words) is a grizzled old knight who has to do the right thing but now I’m also lowkey wondering if he’s playing a Paladin in S5 (or maybe in their homegame).

Ayda was also very endearing towards the other girls this ep. Asking permission to grab Kristen (“Enthusiastic consent!”) and running up and grabbing Adaine’s hands after dispelling her orb. I am so glad Adaine decided to make friends with her.

Valid choice for Adaine to give the sword to Fabian but Give Adaine A Sword 2020. She should have proficiency as an elf and she needs a way to physically attack people that will do actual damage. Alternatively, Adaine should take one level in fighter or monk so the next time she slaps someone, it does actual damage. 

I know Jawbone is both extremely chill and a consummate professional, but wild to talk to your girlfriend’s uncle about falling out due to him being cheated on. I for sure would have found someone else to talk to 

Emily’s face when the Ribbon Dancing sequence was happening was so bugged out in disbelief which says A Lot coming from Ms. Hilda-Hilda herself. 

So they fully destroyed Calethriel Tower which seems problematic seeing as there were for sure other prisoners in there. Like, even assuming all of them were peak evil and deserved to die (which seems extremely unlikely considering the people we do know who were locked up here) that still seems like a political disaster.

“Where is she on the earth? Can we teleport there?”/”She’s actually in the next room.”/ “Extremely convenient.”

Curious about when exactly Mom Abernant’s (I promise I’ll learn her name as soon as we have an official spelling I can commit to) research was taken from, her. Was she working for the government and forced to abandon it or was it taken from her while she was researching privately?  

“Your modifier is bigger than their total.”

“Describe the room to me.”/”It’s a vault and it’s on the first floor.”

Adaine shows up to Telemien’s BS high elven pronunciation of Gorgug and is immediately like “There are hard G’s in high elvish.” I love her. Zero chill. 

“I have it too if I sleep goodbye”

I lost my favorite sweater recently so I was vibing with Adaine’s temporary devastation at having forgotten to get her jacket (no worries, Brennan said it would have been with the rest of her stuff).

I just wanna say, wild of the elves to basically put Adaine and Aelwyn in adjacent cells. 

Imagine you’re just a normal ass resident of the world of Spyre and, one day, you wake up and the sun is a huge YES! Which is super weird, even for a fantasy world but you take it in stride and, eventually, it gets sorted out. And then, six months later, it’s the middle of the day and the sun suddenly lurches across the sky and just stays there. And then you find out that the dude who did it is the same dude who kicked Sol out of the sky the last time!

I thought Fig was gonna offer Ayda access to her dads when they were talking about how Aguefort is a subpar dad because she has two. At the very least she needs to see Jawbone. 

As a lawyer (#2 demographic for FH after CEO’s) I was very into the Similar to But Legally Distinct From Blitzkrieg Bop track. 

“I have much more money than you.”

One of my favorite D&D tropes is the group splitting up boys/girls and then the two groups having wildly different experiences. 

I think it’s interesting that everyone in Adaine’s family talks Like That except for her. Like, Aelwyn does it, even when she’s brain-fried and not being a bitch so we know it’s not just that but Adaine talks like a normal teenager like 80% of the time.  

I just realized, Adaine called her shot last episode when she cursed her dad and then let him die this episode. It’s easy to be an Oracle if you follow through on all your threats.  

(Also, absolutely not convinced he’s dead until we see a body. Kristen fell 10 stories this episode and she’s fine.)

I find the grudging respect that Aelwyn had for Adaine, even at her most messed up extremely interesting.

I mentioned this already in another post but, as womped as I was by Aelwyn’s personality getting reset to normal, it really was the right thing to do, storywise. Like, I’ve really been enjoying vulnerable Aelwyn but that wasn't really earned. Even she said it herself. She can’t give a full apology if she’s not in her right mind. And, in this episode, we got confirmation for what I think we all pretty much assumed. Aelwyn wasn’t just “born bad”. In fact, if anything, it’s the opposite. She was born with such strong protective instincts that the entire way she is able to use magic is based around protection. In a better world with better parents, she would have been the best most Ride or Die older sister anyone could ask for. But, instead, she was ruined in the opposite direction of Adaine and built walls to protect herself instead of others. It’s so poetic I wanna eat my dice. But, I digress. Resetting Aelwyn back to her last save file is an extremely clutch story move because it feels like back to step one but it’s not because now, Adaine fully understands what her deal is and Adaine knows she has the capacity to be good and kind and just decent. Aelwyn might have reset but Adaine didn’t. And, like, after your sister who is barely strong enough to sit upright or think straight tries to magically shield you from nothing in particular because she feels like she should, are you gonna give up on her just because she’s retreated back to the safe waters of name calling? Doubt it. I really can’t wait to see what their initial interactions are like. Is Adaine gonna treat her with kid gloves knowing what she now knows or fall back into sparring with her? Is Aelwyn gonna be totally back to her old self or will she have enough self-awareness to know that if Adaine reset her (will she know that happened?) then she must have seen inside her head and know what’s going on in there? Will she understand that but still stubbornly refuse any attempts to reach out by Adaine and try to go fully walls up again? Don’t know but I can’t wait to see how it shakes out. 

But seriously. How cute was Aelwyn trying to do shields on Adaine this ep? The first time she non-grudgingly steps up to the plate to protect her for real you are gonna hate me so much because I am not going to be able to shut up about it.  

One last thing: We haven’t heard from the Shadowcat in a while and that Concerns me.

This episode, Fig, Adaine, Gorgug, and Riz each rolled one Nat 20. Fig rolled one Nat 1 and Brennan rolled two.

[steve0discusses]

Yugioh S4 Ep 18 pt 2: Yami Visits Yugi in Hell, California

So, last we left the team, we were running straight into Hell, which is located about where the IRL Costco is.

Everyone except Tea, who is apparently way too scary of a person to run into Hell.

So the rules of the spirit realm are that if you have more than one person too many vengeful spirits will be present, but like...how many vengeful dead spirits does Tea have??? The implications of Tea’s former life here are kind of a lot. Anyway, no Tea’s allowed.

TBH, Yugi saw Tea running after him into Hell to pull out his soul he would probably be too scared of the implied commitment to come out.

So, lets get a rollcall of vengeful spirits going, remember Season One?

holy crap, that’s right, it’s PaniK.

(more dead guys under the cut)

Then we have the twins who only spoke in rhyme and...I checked the notes here..they didn’t die. They were absolutely fine the last time we met them. But I dunno...maybe Pegasus got bored and sacrificed them to the crypt during Season 2.

Then we come across this guy.

So according to Bro, Bandit Keith burned alive in the manga or something, while in the show he got away scott free from that warehouse that was on fire in the beginning of S2. My brother has a lot of spicy headcanons but like...

(bro note: I can’t find any reference on the internet easily so it didn’t happen. I just heard it somewhere. Maybe Pharaoh regrets not mind wiping Keith.)

...I feel like even if he’s dead in the Manga you can’t just have him dead here without me lifting my own Stars and Stripes colored eyebrows in doubt. If this guy were to die, it would have to be by very excessive fireworks, and other than that burning warehouse, we’ve had no other opportunities to do it.

Ah...it’s...this guy. Who never had a name, ever.

Why would you even put him in this montage?

And then we get two people that I know for certain can’t be kicking it.

So it seems to me that everything happening here is probably not real. This is all Yami’s head, Yami’s thoughts, and Yami’s guilt. And Yami is already really, really hard on himself. He lives with a lot of demons basically all the time. So he kind of walks through here and is like “whaddup, demons.” because this is a very been there, done that situation.

Can’t believe that Noah and Gozaburo made so little an impact on Yami, as well as all the Big 5 who we’ve killed at least twice, but I guess Yami was kind of sleeping most of that arc.

Other people Yami has dueled in the past that coulllllllllld be offscreen dead that didn’t make the list: 

-The Rare Hunter twins who did a terrorism and fell into a skyscraper

-Alt-rock Kingdom Hearts Mime

-Bonez (who was Bakura’d so like...he might cease to exist on any timeline or anyone’s memories now)

-Pegasus

-BAKURA (Any version of Bakura, honestly. Where is Bakura?)

Anyway, eventually we get to the middle of California Stonehenge, which is where Yugi is currently hanging out like a Star Trek holo deck.

Speaking of hologram--Yugi’s a card right? Yami could have just played Yugi and been like “hey! Can I tell you something?” (and then Seto Kaiba somewhere would notice on his dueling disk facebook that Yugi just plated Yugi Muto’s soul and would be like “Mokuba, we need to ban Yugi’s account, half of his deck is not even tourney legal.”)

And then Yami spends this precious time to talk mostly about himself. Like honestly, he just went halfway to hell (or Millbrea, or whatever this is) just to vent what he basically already knows.

And what makes this conversation kind of strange is that Yami starts going off about how Yugi’s the “pure” side of him, the “light” side of him, if you will. I’ve already touched on how much I disagree with this since Yugi is a freakin madman all on his own. And, this episode goes out of it’s way to do the same.

Because it’s about this point that Yugi starts getting real uncharacteristically mad. It’s lowkey kind of hilarious because it’s like:

And yes, it’s about time that Yugi went off, but it does make you wonder--so is this what Yugi would be like all the time if Pharaoh wasn’t in there, or does Pharaoh assume that Yugi is mad at him, and so his SpiritJourney!Yugi reflect Pharaoh’s own insecurities?

Like, is this even Yugi?

This might not be Yugi at all, this might be just Yami screaming at himself in a desert, which is also very on key for Yami and has been Yami’s whole deal for about (checks watch)...this entire season.

Either way, Yugi’s REALLY pissed off and tired of Pharaohs 49ersfit.

And so, to take this a step further than just screaming at most likely a hallucination of yourself, Yugi pulls out a duel disk and the two decide to play cards because...

...It just always comes back to cards. Can’t have a heart to heart without doing life threatening card games first.

And so they decide to have a card match. It goes just about as smoothly as a card match would go when you consider that this is Yami hallucinating/possibly dueling a ghost of himself/just crawled out of a train crash/just murdered the hell out of Weevil Underwood.

Basically this duel has a very silly gimmick.

Other than playing a lot of the same cards as during the Raphael fight, Yugi spends most of his time just tearing into Yami, which again...justified.

And for just a little blip of an eye, a little tiny moment--he’s almost a Season Zero Yuugi. Just a nice dark magic Yugi with no ghost, just a real bastard underneath those glowing eyes.

But anyway, much like the duel where Yami lost his mind and went evil, it didn’t last more than a few minutes before the duel was over and Yugi was just instantly better. Of all the duels this season--this is the one I would have liked to have 3 episodes of. Just saying.

Yugi’s whole explanation for why he’s done this--and this is a stretch, but I guess it still follows card logic--Yugi decided to use the Oricalchos so that he would become the darkness inside of Pharaoh’s mind (since they are the same person), and so when he lost the game, that darkness inside of himself was taken by the Orichalcos, leaving Pharaoh now darkness-free

...It’s a stretch. They’re both still ripe with dark magic so I don’t think it did what they think it did, lore wise. But yeah, it did make Pharaoh physically fight all his insecurities until he killed them (who was also Yugi, don’t think about it). It was also very manipulative, and I just want to throw out there you should not do this to your best friends.

How many fireballs now has Tea watched Yugi take straight to the chest? At least 3, right? 5?

Anyway, Yami gets reaaaally upset that he killed his fake dead boy who just used fake (but maybe real?) Orichalcos.

Yami just can’t keep any version of Yugi alive.

And just like that, Yugi leaves the series, again.

Kind of.

Again, this Yugi was...probably not even Yugi. This was probably a grief-onset hallucination.

Sure am glad that Pharaoh can talk to this barely-even-Yugi to work out his insecurities instead of the--youknow--the GIRL he’s been kind of dating for the past 4 seasons. Really glad Tea kind of stood on a ledge and was like “Do you need to talk about it!?” While Yami was like “Not Necessary!” while he sort of dueled the ghosts in his head.

Kind of a marvel that the only person Yami knows how to talk to is Yugi (who as we found out this episode might be a crazy person) and...kind of Seto Kaiba (who is definitely a crazy person). That’s about it.

Yami’s had a hard time, but hopefully now he can talk to Joey without getting punched directly in the face. I guess we’ll find out next episode.

And if you just got here, this is a link to read these from the beginning.

Hope y’all are staying safe and inside. Us personally, are stuck inside until at least May 1st. Please pray for my patience.

[olivenight17]

So imagine Mirio dealing with Y/N that have a crackhead hour. She seem normal until 3AM in the morning. She is created a house of cards instead with poptarts. She made a whole gingerbread city while listening to Dojo Cats Hot Pink Album.

Dude this… is just hilarious thank you for bringing this to my attention. Also… why does this sound like something I would do oh no-

- I don’t think Mirio’s ever been more confused in his life.

- The boi has seen and handled a lot, but this? This came out of no where, it’s 3 am and he just has no idea what’s going on lol. He needs a few seconds.

- Like, you seemed completely normal going to bed, you were all nestled in his arms like usual, he was sleeping and the next thing he knows, he’s being awoken by this loud, crazy music.

- He stumbles out of the room where he finds you putting the finishing touches on a gingerbread tower, amid an entire gingerbread town and he just blinks for two seconds.

- “Hey, sunshine, what’s all this?”

- You, completely hyped up on nothing but your crackhead energy, jump up to greet him with wide and crazy eyes. “Miri! Welcome to Ginger Town! I made it in like 3 hours, also all of the gingerbread items are gone now, we’re gonna need to get those later.”

- “Wha-”

- “Come on, lemme show you around!”

- And show him around you do, pointing to every structure you made, the little gingerbread citizens stationed around.

- “And that’s ginger Karen, she’s a shady bitch that no one trusts because her nails look like claws-”

- And now that he’s a bit more awake, two things happen.

- 1. He is amazed at how you did this in a span of three hours. He never even knew you had this kind of skill set, seriously what is this he thought you struggled with things as much as he did??

- 2. He’s trying really hard not to laugh because you developed this entire lore and background and he swears it’s the funniest shit he’s ever heard.

- The best comedians have nothing on your crackhead humor and he wants to hear every. juicy. detail.

- He wants the tea on the affair the ginger mayor is having, those shady ginger soccer moms, give him all of it and I swear to you he’ll be on the floor just dead with laughter.

- Then he sees your proclaimed “House of Pop tarts” and he goes over to admire your handiwork.

- However, the more he sees of your food buildings, the hungrier he’s getting and he just turns to you with a twinkle in his eyes and just straight out suggests that you both start eating everything because your crackhead energy is starting to bring out his own.

- At first you whine because hey your hard work! But then you realize, wait, y’all are basically giants compared to these things. And what do giants do? Destroy things.

- With this in mind you agree and both of you make the worst decision of your lives and just eat everything. The town and it’s citizens are long inside your bellies, as well as the house of pop tarts.

- But, when morning comes around and the two of you are so tired and your stomachs feel like they’re trying to murder the both of you for that poor eating choice, you’re both thanking god that it’s the weekend because neither of you would have survived class otherwise.

This is the first time I’ve done crack head anything, I hope it was good!

[funkytoesart]

The Heart of Vibranium

or,,,, a bizarre dream i had the other night that was WILD y’all

Ahem, okay so: (also I should premise this WHOLE post by disclaiming that I have not read many Marvel comics, know the lore of marvel comics not at all, and haven’t even watched Endgame yet nor finished Infinity War so this is Purely non canon supported and 100% the product of my overactive brain during dreaming: AKA ridiculous and non-canon anyway, let’s continue:

A few years after the events of Endgame, Shuri makes a great discover while excavating Vibranium deep in the earth beneath Wakanda--a large orb of pure Vibranium. Unable to break it open, she gets it dug up and brings it back to her lab--only to discover that within the orb, there’s something strange... a heartbeat.

Her brother and Nakia and Okoye and the others are intrigued and alarmed by this orb and its strange heartbeat, but Shuri is like “Damn, what a discovery, something’s ALIVE inside vibranium and seems to be surviving well--this is AWESOME I can’t wait to figure this all out” but she can’t get whatever is inside out. Anyway, after months of having the orb in her lab, with no luck in opening it up, she leaves for the day. As she is leaving, a handprint can be seen pressing into the orb form the inside, and then she leaves.

The next day she goes into her lab to find that the orb has cracked, like an egg, with its ‘shell’ so to speak in pieces around the floor where the orb had once been held. The others rush over and they look at the cameras (or whatever Wakanda uses for surveillance) and find that they oddly and uncharacteristically went on the fritz just as the orb was starting to crack, and only came back on once it was already broken and whatever was inside was gone. Everyone is like “Oh shit” and THEN:

It cuts to me, because yes, this is my dream, so it is from basically my POV onwards? I guess? Except for bits here and there because dreams are never predictable or sensible, anyway, I’m wondering around the capitol of Wakanda, naked, without any memory, or at east without any knowledge of the world, unable to speak and COMPLETELY overstimulated by all the technology around me. In case you were wondering, yeah, I was the thing inside the orb. Crazy. Except I looked human now because everyone else is human and I had enough sense to blend in (I guess? I don’t remember why I specifically looked human except that I’M human and therefore dream self was human so?).

Anyway, continuing on. Like I said, I’m completely overstimulated and overwhelmed by all the technology. What are texts and why am I able to read hundreds of thousands of them going through my brain? What are those images? Thousands of phone calls? Videos? Messages? Even the transportation in this place was sending signals to me. It was horrible, y’all. Like, I woke up from this dream with a headache which might have been what had triggered it but like, it was cool in theory but painful in reality lol)

I was quickly arrested...because i was A. Naked, B. without identification and/or legal reasons to be in Wakanda, C. Clearly not Wakandan (as I am the pastiest white person ever) and did I mention i was wandering around the city Naked? Yeah, so like they take me into custody, but i should make note that the authorities treated me pretty well and kindly because i was clearly not a threat and uhhh very much out of my element (pun intended), to put it lightly. Anyway, I get visited by T'Challa and Okoye, who are like, “Who was this White Girl who’s making a scene all of a sudden?” (though they too I remember were like “also what’s wrong with her is she okay???” bc I was freaking out at this point y’all) 

Anyway, I can’t speak, so Okoye is trying to get me to tell them why I’m there, where I came from and so on, and then Shuri shows up for some reason and I start trying to get over to her because I recognize her bc we’ve spent a couple months in the same lab and I remember her and Okoye blocks me with her spear but it halts in the air and then I somehow, like, telepathically take it apart, examine it, and then put it together and give it back to her and this whole time everyone is like.

“ohhhhhhhh. okay. She was the thing in the orb” and Shuri is geeking out because she’s like, ‘oh my god it was a humanoid that’s so awesome I can’t wait to run some tests on you” (actually, i think I was an alien and not human at all?) and like, everyone else is “this is some Weird Shit Going On” and anyway, the rest of the dream was like, blips and moments here and there because i was starting to wake up (like I said, I had a headache when I woke up so I think this dream was triggered by the pain? Because I could sense/see/hear/read everything Vibranium was involved with which apparently was, uhhhhh a LOT to process.

Anyway, that was the weird af dream I had in which I apparently was Vibranium

[highkingfen]

I think you're a beautiful person, and I hope things get better for you. How about we talk about some positive parts of the show! I love how many different personalities there are, there's no "copy and paste" among the characters. I love how everyone is so complex and unique. In last night's episode, I loved how Margo was given permission to have feelings other than anger. I love how Fen is allowed to be kind and soft, and is a strong character. What are your favourite parts?

Thanks, 

IRL had been hitting me down with a frying pan lately and getting up is hard. Im working out really hard on being better and I wished it didn't show on Tumblr but there is a time where you need to think and take care of yourself first. 

There is a lot of things i love about the show and I will do a list of it, I hope other add to it and we remember why this show is important and matter, despite its flaws. 

How women are not a plot devise for male characters

How even background character have multidimensional 

How they show disability with Margo’s eye and the dean blindness (though I wish we’d see Gretchen more)

The costume goes from found at H&M to hand made craftmanship by Magali Guidasci

The many bts and interaction the cast and writers have with their fans, they are not distant and its rare, lets remember this is a blessing

How no character is perfect, they have deep visceral flaws, they make mistake, they do dumb shit, and we still love them. 

The legendary quotes they gave us

How being a nerd and accepted is part of the show but not the main focus; Q is a nerd but so much more and the show isn't about how to fit in like a nerd but how to fit in and stay yourself. 

Hale amazing performance as the monster to a point I don’t see him as Eliot anymore. Which is creepy and crazy. 

Julia’s arc blooming into ‘’ People heals’’ and how important it is for many who had her fate or worse

Mental health representation! From depression to anxiety, to ptsd, to dependence, to anger management to actual meltdown of grief

The empowerment of women by women. It is amazing to see them helping each other and not just walking on one another 

How one emotion is portrait differently. (Per example how Q and Margo grieve Eliot is completely different)

BUNNIES

Kady was supposed to die and they love Jade so much they re-wrote the end of episode one

Summer refused to wear make up in her desert episode because Margo isn't that vain. 

The small things an actor decide to do that end up being a character important choice (I.e Jason shaking his hand when he’s Q but not Beast!Q)

The fact that Julia still struggles with the idea of being a goddess or a mortal and try her best to make a choice and don’t know what to do. If this isn’t a big mood for any important decision a millennial struggle with, I don’t know what is. 

Its filmed in Canada, which YAY my country

The sheer amount of Fanfiction there is and how omg they are so good y’all are good writers

The cast and crew understanding how much the show means for us and trying to give us a space to talk and even sharing bts with us!

Im sorry but Fish Josh? Yes

Musical episode. Fuck I love them. 

Margo realizing that she can still be a tough woman and be in love is important because the narrative in media is that either you are a bitch and alone or sweet and surrounded by people that use you. Women never wins. 

The fandom growing love for Fen warms my heart as I was the only one defending her for almost a year once. 

How we can ship everyone with everyone and no one is mad. You ship penny x josh? Why not! There is 39 other timeline one might have that!

Or, you ship a character with two people... OT3 BABY

It went from Harry Potter with drug and alcohol to Millenial try to fight gods and inner demons 

There are no fight books against the show, people take them as a separate piece of art and SCREAM when they both collide in amazingness (Aka the desert episode, Q yelling at a plant, the seven key, Abigail)  

Lev being supportive of the creator exploring and expanding the worlds! I adore the library, Fillorian lore, what is magic outside of Brakebills

Seeing the character being a young adult and growing int being adult

Also what I love about the show is the fandom

You guys not only helped me out of my depression (though it has a relapse for the past week) but you encourage me to be me. 

You supported my crazy idea of starting the Neitherlands library with @noe-gg as a place for pieces of information about the show and we are proud of this blog

You backed my crazy plan of a dnd book and the Kickstarter is over 500% financed, which blows my mind and will help me be able to take of work and sit down and write to give you better stuff

I wrote nearly 300k fanfic in a second language and instead of being mean to my mistake, you helped me, offered your advice and helped me grew as a writer

I was with a group of friend in High School that was super good at drawing so I wasn't allowed to try even if I wasn't that good. You supported me even when my first doodles are shaky and still makes me want to be better by your comments

There is no artist battle, we all help and support each other!

I fucking learn photoshop cause I wanted to gif the show and people came and help me be better

The gatekeeping is about being kind and open and not a shipping war or character war. 

Physical Kids podcast is a must listen and truly amazing work by fans for fans

Hey the podcast I made too are not half bad 

COSPLAYERS. YES. KEEP GOING. 

People out of the US without Syfy helping each other to watch the show live.

There is no popular blog vs the others. (Not that I know of)

Blogs encouraging other blogs to create. YES. 

We are all broken, but broken together. This fandom is my Brakebills, my physical kids cottage. One of the rare place I felt I belong for the first time

[thatyanderecritic]

Higurashi No Naku Koro Ni

Title: Higurashi No Naku Koro Ni

Media: Visual Novel. Has a manga and anime adaptation. Made by 07th Expansion

Yandere(s) and Yandere Scale:

Sonozaki Shion- 0/5 Sonozaki Mion- 0/5 Ryugu Rena- 0/5 Furude Rika- 0/5 Hojo Satoko- 0/5

Criticism written by: Kai

Editor: Julie

The Review:

Hello everybody! This is Kai and I’m back with another review for you all. This time, we got quite the hefty review seeing how we got not one, not two, but a whopping FIVE potential yanderes to either disprove or certify. I’m sure everyone saw that anon question asking about Shion but, I decided that it would be best to get everyone in the net since it’s known that all the girls in this series goes bat shit insane. But as we all know, insanity doesn’t necessarily make a character an automatic yandere.

But before I start this review, I want to clarify that I have not played the visual novel, I only read a couple chapters of the manga adaptation, and I skipped around episodes with the anime version. I’ll be real with y’all, Higurashi isn’t my cup of tea. I got bored of it when I tried getting into the series and I’m not the biggest fan of the harem genre (say what you will that Higurashi is a melodrama and a tragedy but at its roots, it’s a harem anime). But I did watch tons of explanation videos, TL;DR story recaps, opinion pieces, and more about the series. I also read the wiki and other sources. That was completely on my own will and not for the review (because I found the story interesting but I could give less of a shit about the storytelling). With that in mind, let’s start with the review.

Now, I’m normally the type to type up a summary of the story for everyone to read. But honestly, the story is way too wild for me to summarize in a paragraph or two. The series have several arcs, a crazy lore, and alternative timelines. I ain’t going to explain all this nonsense. So here’s the wiki page, Onikakushi-hen arc, Watanagashi-hen arc, Tatarigoroshi-hen arc,  Himatsubushi-hen arc, and extra arcs. After seeing all these links, can anyone really blame me for not wanting to summarize the story? Moving on, let’s talk about the girls.

Higurashi is a prime example of why Julie and I don’t like to review otome games or stories with different routes. Here at ThatYandereCritic, we like consistency when it comes to reviewing yanderes. And having multiple routes in a story makes our job harder in figuring out if a character is a yandere or not. We need a foundation that won’t change on us. Unfortunately, Hirgurashi’s foundation is all about alternative timelines… meaning every single arc and extra is canon (unless stated otherwise). It’s fine if a character’s “yandere” personality is consistent throughout these alternative timelines and never changes. But this isn’t the case for Hirgurashi. While these girls do have a “core” personality, they’re ever changing with each new timeline with them picking up a new trait or losing a trait based on circumstance. It doesn’t help that there’s a disease that cause them to go insane; making this story way more complicated to analyze. Getting sick with the “yandere bug” isn’t a thing. Does that mean if you’re cure of the disease, then you’re not a yandere anymore? As our yandere criterias state: “Being a yandere isn’t a thing you clock in and out from like a job.” With the combination of the alternative timelines and the insanity disease, these factors make all these girls artificial yanderes. In other words, they’re all clickbait yanderes. You’re a clickbait yandere! And you’re a clickbait yandere! You’re all clickbait yanderes!!!

Joking aside, I’m sure some of you guys are scratching your heads here. All these girls have a “snap” moment, carry around weapons, kawaii, and some of these girls are in love with a guy (*cough* Shion). So what? None of these girls are lovesick and that’s a big thing a yandere needs to be considered a yandere in the first place. So then… what’s up with them? Well, you’re mistaking these girls as yanderes when they’re actually yangires. What are yangires? “Yangire (also referred to "Cute and Psycho") is a Japanese term used to refer to normal people who suddenly become violent, sometimes due to a past trauma.” (Yangire wiki) This definition defines all these girls to a T. They all have a past traumatic event, they all act normal, and they all have a snap moment due to these traumas (the disease being the trigger). And as Julie and I always say, “yangires are not yanderes”. For Shion’s case, she might have snapped because of some dude and want to get revenge for him, but that’s not necessarily “her”. It was the diseased her and her trauma overcoming her. If this was a constant thing, without the help of the disease, then yes; Shion would be a yandere. But this isn’t the case, making Shion a yangire. Also, Shion isn’t lovesick. She’s in love, yes. But not to the point of being sick… and we don’t mean it literally thanks to the disease lol. The same goes with Mion.

Now then, does this make Higurashi a bad story? No, it’s surprisingly good even if it’s ridiculous at some points. The art is pretty shit, not going to lie. But damn is the music good. If you don’t mind the harem aspects of this, I recommend y’all checking it out… but not for the yanderes (because there are none) but for the story and music.

Overall Score: 5/10

[freakin-edikan]

More Unpopular Smash Onions

I have a lot of Smash Onions and here are most of them in one post. Be warned it’s long and stupid

Bayonetta Should Not Have Been in Smash Ever

The whole point of Bayonetta is that she whips out these crazy combos and super strong witch tricks to defeat her opponents. The only problem is...barely anyone else can do that because they’re not supposed to because it’s Smash Bros and not Street Fighter. There was no way to nerf Bayonetta without ruining her, and there was no way to keep the Bayonetta feel and style without her dominating the game.

Cloud Should Not Have Been in Smash Ever

He was too fast, he was too strong, he had a projectile. Sakurai specifically said he knew Ike had exactly these stats when Ike was added to Brawl in 2008. He intentionally left them out so as to not let Ike become too strong. But years later, Cloud strutted into Super Smash Bros. for Wii U/3DS with these same attributes anyway. He’s a lot more tame now, but how many Peaches had to die?

The Zelda Characters Got the Short End of the Stick

A game with 30 years of history does not deserve to be represented by three Links, two Zeldas, and one Ganondorf. It’s clear that the development team was banking on the games sticking to its Ocarina formula, which is why they tried so hard to keep all the designs from one game and didn’t introduce anyone who wasn’t a Triforce bearer. By the time they finally stumbled on the idea of giving characters designs from different games, they had run out of space for any newcomers specific to particular games in the series, and the potential for new characters had run out.

I’m aware that Zelda isn’t as popular in Japan as it is in the United States; however, seeing how big Super Smash Bros. and its audience is, I think its representation could be a little better than that.

Zelda Got the Short End of the Stick

You mean to tell me it took 17 years for someone to look at that trainwreck of a moveset and finally do something about it? Y’all ugly.

There Doesn’t Need to be 15,897 Marths

If the devs over at Sora Ltd. played their cards right, our Fire Emblem lineup could have consisted of a balance of characters and assist trophies that could show off the most prominent aspects of the series. My idea is this:

Characters

Marth

Ike

Lyn

Robin

Assist Trophies

A Manakete (from any game)

A Pegasus Knight + Triangle Attack (any game but preferably the ones who made it famous—so Palla, Catria, and Est.)

A main villain (person, any game)

A main villain (monster, any game)

Ephraim?

Micaiah.

...and some cute lil spirits/stickers/trophies with some lore or references or something. If you ask me, we got the characters we got because of poor planning. I might not know the ins and outs of the process, but that’s what it looks like to me.

I Am Singling Out Corrin Specifically

This pick feels like an impulse because of the fact that FE14 was new, but besides that, I (a salty Peach main and Bandana Dee fan) first thought the character was busted. Never before had we a character with such ridiculous range—I thought Shulk’s energy sword Sunday was pushing it. It looks like Corrin set a precedent, though, because tall, adult characters who can reach across the entire stage seem to be the norm nowadays.

The Mario Characters are Out of Character

I think it’s telling when you can’t convey the character of Mario properly. Mario in Smash rather quickly moved away from his friendly everyman balancedness to a very aggressive, very angery Man who apparently just beats the living daylights out of people as the Smash Ultimate music blares in the background. Mario in his games is so much more friendly, eccentric, comical, fun. Smash Mario is way too serious; he doesn’t even smile in his renders anymore. I know, it’s a fighting game; you have to be serious to some extent. I just find this a little odd considering, um...

Peach was pretty similar when she first came to Melee. But when Brawl came around, her headbutt was replaced with hearts, her explosions with hearts, her diplomatic walk with a ditzy skip—it’s all incredibly suspicious. I talked about this before, but I think Smash makes Peach look dumb. I feel like it tries too hard to appeal to the girl who couldn’t pick any of the boy characters because they were icky so she picked the prettiest, girliest girl and that’s Peach. Her character feels like it’s making a mockery of her. (I mean, who remembers the tea time? I remember the tea time.) Nearly all of the nuance in Peach’s character is gone; I like the Toads and it feels like she’s commanding an army, but she herself with the rainbows and the hearts...I don’t know. It makes me. Uncomfortable. Peach has displayed far more competence before; she’s a very intelligent individual, but in Smash it’s not showing.

If I thought Peach was bad, imagine how I feel about Daisy! They barely changed a couple of animations and visuals but no attributes. It feels cheap and lazy and even though she’s an echo fighter, other “clones” had at least a little more thought put into them. And no “Hi, I’m Daisy”??? Preposterous. I think it goes to show that you really can’t make a clone of Peach because her moveset is too unique, and tinkering with it makes it fall apart. I think this was a bad call.

Bowser Jr. seems fine. He’s just a kid with some toys and it shows. Bowser...can at least walk straight, nowadays. But...

Luigi Baby I’m So Sorry That a Ugly Ass Bitch Would Even Do That

So when Smash 64 came out in 1999, Luigi had had his own voice for 3 years. Smash had decided to take Mario’s voice clips and pitch them up instead. This didn’t change until Brawl.

Luigi is Mario’s taller, slippery-er, eccentric younger brother, and Smash played the eccentric up to 11. (I mean, who remembers the Negative Zone? I remember the Negative Zone.) The hip bumps? And the weird dances? And the being able to fall over and be so round that he can just roll back up? I’ve never seen him do that anywhere but Smash. I don’t know who that is with the green hat in Smash. But it’s not Luigi.

The great thing is that he plays like Luigi! But he sure doesn’t act like it. And neither does Mario. And Mario and Luigi don’t play off each other at all, either. They’re so awkward to put together in this game; it’s like an attack on the sibling family unit.

We Don’t Stan Rosalina

We don’t stan her

“We Made Up Lore About EarthBound Hoping No One Would Notice Also We Really Like Pollyanna and the First Eight Melodies and We Exclusively Reference Mother 1 But We Still Won’t Put Ninten in This Game”

Ness is supposed to have defensive and support PSI because he has the highest physical offensive stats—and the lowest IQ—in EarthBound. He can’t use PK Starstorm, or PK Fire, or PK Thunder. He can use PSI Shield and Brainshock and Paralysis and um, PSI Rockin, and though I don’t mind using Ness and Lucas as they are now, I still can’t help but notice how inaccuracy-laden all the EarthBound references were, and that a moveset focused around trapping an opponent to go in for the beat down intrigues me.

Listen, no one else in this game has made-up lore about how their friends taught them certain moves after the end of their game, and how they channeled their big finisher into smaller bursts of energy while taking on the friend’s (much weaker!) signature move as their Final Smash. You could probably explain the magic Zelda uses as they come in crystals anyone could theoretically use, but the framing that they use for Ness and Lucas? It’s pretty silly.

Okay, about Ninten...he doesn’t have to be in Smash. But what’s the point of saying “Mother (Series)” and then making this weird conglomerate of ideas that doesn’t actually get the point across? All three games communicate very different ideas, but hardly any of what’s in Smash portrays any of it very well.

Where’s Bandana Dee

Where is he

Realistic Guns

Joker is about to enter this game with a literal fucking glock and I’m not okay

Final Smashes is the Same

It’s either a Mega Laser, a Giant Stage Hazard, a I’m Gonna Just Ram Into You Like Nobody’s Business, or a Barage of Attacks With One Final Hit. For all the crap I give Peach’s Final Smash, at least it’s different. Oh, there’s a new kind now: the We Stole Snake’s After We Thought He Was Never Coming Back And Oh God He’s Here. Oh No He’s Back. He’s Angry Oh N-

Kirby and Jigglypuff

They haven’t been great for years! I want them back to being good again.

Okay so Jigglypuff was OD’ing in Melee. But insta-death shield break just doesn’t tell me you care about them!

Speaking of Caring About Kirby

I see y’all only putting Kirby’s Adventure and Kirby Super Star content in your game. Look, whoever made Kirby 64 and friends disappeared the same year Sakurai left HAL Laboratory. The new Kirby games acknowledge all of Kirby’s history, and they take many cues from Smash. Smash is a big game, but the least it could do was reciprocate some of that.

The Music Selection is Underwhelming Me So Far

And it’s not the sheer number; I think that’s incredible. My problem is many of the songs are remixes with multiple versions. There are multiple versions of Light Plane from Pilotwings, multiple versions of Magicant, multiple Ballads of the Goddess, a billion Mario Main Themes. There are so many different musicians arranging for these games; are they all sitting there thinking “I’ll do you one better!!” making the same songs again? Some series have one song being remixed over and over while the rest of the soundtrack is just ripped from the original and chucked into the game. Other songs are just weak, which I expect, but they’re just so...mild.

The original music in Smash Ultimate I think is also pretty weak. It’s the same problem Brawl ran into and the only difference is the Ultimate themes are better orchestrated. The arrangement became stale to me and I think it’s because the game is so big that it couldn’t tie itself together as neatly as Smash 64 could (although only one, maybe two people worked on Smash 64’s music).

Stage Hazards

I don’t remember if it’s possible to turn them off but I am tired of the goddamn Flying Man.

So I think that’s about it. Thanks for reading and on the off chance that someone responds to it, you don’t have to go through the entire thing just to pick it apart bit by bit, I don’t want anyone to have to slog through that unless they want to, I guess. Happy New Year!