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obxsummer · 2 months ago

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leave me again // jj maybank

pairing: ex!jj maybank x routledge!reader

request: Routledge reader and JJ broke up during the 18 months and now she watches him with Kie? 🫢👀

summary: based on the song by kelsea ballerini; after two years together, you return to outer banks only to lose jj to kiara in a blink of an eye.

warnings: minor szn 4 spoilers, angst hehehe

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You didn’t understand. You really didn’t.

How could you go from such a beautiful relationship and one of the happiest times of your life to watching your best friend get together with your ex-boyfriend? It seemed like such a cruel joke to watch people who had been with you your entire life turn against you in this way.

It took less than a week for JJ to cut things off after everyone came back from El Dorado, claiming he needed to reevaluate everything and take time for himself. Apparently, that didn’t last long, because three days later, you caught Kiara sharing his bed in Sarah’s rental condo, looking like the happiest he’d ever been.

"I can explain, just-"

The scene in front of you was sick. You'd heard JJ yell out in his sleep, something that was more common than not with his nightmares. Instincts had you in front of his door before you knew it, wanting to comfort him in case he needed someone. You didn't expect to find this.

JJ, shirtless, next to Kiara, of all people, who was wearing the boy's shirt. In bed. Together.

Whatever JJ wanted to say, you didn't give him a chance to hear it. Lips tucked in a thin line, you gave a nod. "Sorry for interrupting, hope everything's okay."

And with a smile on your face and no room for explanations, you closed the door.

“Are you still avoiding them?” Sarah’s voice came from behind as you watched JJ and Kie prep the boat for the upcoming dive.

You huffed, “Do you blame me?”

She stopped to stand beside you, her eyes watching the duo on the boat move together. “There’s no chemistry.”

“Not a bit.”

Sarah watched you carefully as if she was waiting for the dam to break. In the almost three weeks JJ and Kie had been ‘together’, you hadn’t cried and you hadn’t lashed out. You’d told her the second you found them in bed and they started spewing excuses, you just apologized for interrupting and dismissed yourself with a smile.

John B was concerned. As your older brother, it was his job to defend you and watch out for you, no matter the circumstance. When the two of you first got together, John B made JJ swear that he wouldn’t do anything to hurt you, swearing there would be consequences. While you’d kept your cool, he did not and JJ managed to catch himself a black eye and swollen cheek as a result.

“Has John B talked to them?”

“Has John B what?” Your brother interrupted your question as he joined the two of you in the shop, hauling a hefty backpack. He reached out to grab your shoulder and squeezed it lightly. “You okay?”

You nodded in response, clamping your mouth shut and looking back at the water. Kiara was going down on the dive with JJ, something about not leaving him alone which made your eyes roll. Pope and John B were going on the boat, leaving you, Sarah, and Cleo on shore to be lookout.

“Are you lying to me?”

You’d lost so many pieces of yourself in the moments shared with JJ, allowing the vulnerability you had believed he would never take advantage of. It was no surprise John B could see through the cracks you’d inevitably let form. You sighed, head dropping between your shoulder blades as you let out a steady breath. “I’m fine, Bee. Promise.”

John B was unconvinced by your words but didn’t push. He heard your almost silent crying at night. It was obvious you were hurting by the way you closed yourself off and hid in your skin. He hated that his so-called best friend was the one to treat you this way and cause you to feel like this.

“You can take a break,” He reassured as his backpack dropped to the ground as he pulled you into a full hug and placed a kiss on your head. “Nobody would blame you.”

You hugged him back and fought off the tears that burned your eyes. There would be a point and time to talk about all of this, but it wasn’t here and now. If you were being honest, there was nothing you’d rather do than run away from Kildare right now, but it wouldn’t be the best option by any means.

“You guys ready up there?” JJ’s voice echoed around the morning air as he called out to John B.

You hugged your brother tighter before letting go, forcing a smile on your lips. “Be careful, please?”

He rubbed your head lovingly, smiling when you tried to shove him away. “Always.”

You stepped away to give him time with Sarah and started to head back toward the house when someone called your name. JJ’s shoes stomped against the new wooden deck, the sound getting louder as he got closer. You froze in your spot as he rounded to stop you from walking away. “Can we talk?”

You stared at him for a moment, wondering how someone you loved so incredibly much could make you feel this way. “There’s nothing to talk about.”

When you moved to pass him, he grabbed your elbow gently to prevent it. “Please, I just want to get this out before… in case I don’t-”

“You’ll be back.” It was hard to avoid the instinct of reassuring him. He swallowed thickly and met your gaze. He would be back, you just didn't know if you'd be here to see it. The two of you hadn’t been alone since everything went down and there was plenty of awkwardness to show.

“I just… I’m sorry. About everything. I should’ve told you, but it all happened so fast and-”

“Did you ever love me?” The question came out of your mouth before you could think about it. You wanted to ask it for a while, to find out exactly what went through his head when he let Kiara climb in bed with him that night.

The opening and closing of his mouth was enough of a response to shatter you. Tears formed faster than you liked as you nodded.

“Figured," You breathed out, "Goodbye, JJ.”

You left him on the dock and didn’t look back as you walked away. From him, from Kie, from the friends you considered family until they made you feel like anything but. You swore then and there that you would never fall for someone in that way again.

After all, staying only made you get real good at pretend.

Coming back from the dive had been a mess of chaos. Kie and JJ were at the hospital recovering from nitrogen in their blood while the remainder of the group came back to the house with the amulet, hoping to figure out what was inscribed inside.

John B called your name as he entered the house, practically bouncing in excitement to tell you what they’d found. You’d opted to stay back after speaking to JJ on the dock, which they didn’t fault you for, knowing you needed time alone.

When silence followed JB’s call, he frowned. Something wasn’t right. The main floor was empty, not a sign of you or your relative presence in the area. Room empty too, leaving John B to question where the hell you went. They had the Twinkie and the dirt bikes were outside which meant if you went anywhere it would be on your own two feet.

“John B.”

The tone in Sarah’s voice told him his intuition was right. She met him in the doorway of your room with a piece of paper in hand, holding it in his direction. He didn’t even need to read it to know the answer to his question.

You were gone. And you weren’t coming back any time soon.

part two here :)

a/n: i hate this i'm so sorry

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#obx4 #outer banks x reader #obx #outer banks #jj maybank #jj maybank x reader #jj maybank x routledge!reader #kiara carerra #sarah cameron #john b routledge #jj maybank imagine #jj maybank x you #outer banks x you

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alltimefail · 6 months ago

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Random thought that could could absolutely be nothing, an over-analyzation of sorts even, but I have always found it interesting that in the Devlin house episode Charles gets sucked into the loop starting from the point he snaps at Edwin about him "Not being the all-knowing expert on all things." It's especially interesting to me because after he does so, Edwin tells Charles that he's "...Not acting like himself at all."

In theory, Charles could have just reappeared when Mr. Devlin turns the corner or when he approaches Mr. Devlin here:

because if the point of repetition here is to show us that the abuse Charles suffered at the hands of his own father is what causes him to get trapped in the loop, either of those moments would have been sufficient in supporting that idea. The dialogue shared beforehand between him and Edwin has little to do with the point at hand...unless...

Charles feeling pain about his own father isn't the whole sum of why he gets trapped in the loop; his fear that he's just LIKE his father, that he's not a good person, that he's "Cruel for the shits," and capable of hurting the people he loves (and thus undeserving of their love) is also what traps him in the loop, and that's why his "loop" starts with him snapping at Edwin.

Even though we as viewers can empathize with and understand why Charles snaps at Edwin given the circumstances, it's very unlikely that Charles extends that same grace to himself. I would argue that we see the multi-faceted layers of his trauma explored in various ways from this moment on. Charles himself even later admits that all he feels is anger despite the fact that he wants to be "a good guy." Charles has yet to understand that it's possible to be good and feel anger, that anger in and of itself is not bad, and that feeling strong negative emotions like grief or anger does not make a person dangerous or abusive like his father was...nor does it guarantee that he would use his anger to harm others. So, with that in mind, of course Charles' loop would start with him lashing out at Edwin, as opposed to it just starting with him lashing out at Brandon Devlin; it's not just about feeling powerless to stop the abuse, it's about feeling like you play a role in it. It's about the deep-rooted fear that maybe you actually deserved the abuse you suffered because you are not good, and just by being related to an abuser you are damned to be just like them, or worse. Charles worries about who he truly is, deep down, and that maybe Edwin is wrong when he says that Charles isn't acting like himself: maybe the darkest parts that he works so hard to bury are actually who he truly is, and his ability to throw careless, harmful, biting words at someone he loves deeper than anyone else may be a reflection of this. After all, his father loved his mother, he loved Charles, and look what he did to them... how he hurt them beyond repair. What if he is the same?

OR: the trauma Charles deals with isn't only the violence his father enacted on him (shown through what Brandon Devlin does to his family), but it's also the violence he feels capable of enacting himself (shown through his ability to throw harsh words toward Edwin who Charles openly claims is the "most important person in the world" to him).

What furthered this idea even more for me (and added a bit of salt to the wound frankly) was Crystal and Edwin's reactions to Charles being pulled into the loop. Out of shock, confusion, and frustration Crystal immediately turns to Edwin for answers but for a moment he is just frantic and uncharacteristically frazzled, only able to say, "Charles was right, I don't know everything..." and OUCH, right? But it emphasizes that 1) what Charles said to Edwin was quite hurtful, 2) that it did have an (unintentional) impact on Edwin, and 3) that Charles himself very well might have realized it was hurtful as soon as it left his mouth thus, again, why it would make sense that his loop began there.

It takes a strong emotional reaction to be pulled into a loop; the possibly that this moment was written to work on two levels of Charles' inner turmoil is quite clever (and extremely heartbreaking).

Again, it could absolutely be nothing... but it's worth pondering!!

#Is this anything? Does this make sense? Idk! I've just been sitting on this for a while and needed to share my pain #dead boy detectives #dbda #the dead boy detectives #the dead boy detective agency #charles rowland #edwin payne #edwin paine #dbda analysis #payneland #painland #charles x edwin

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zombie-bait · 7 months ago

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Full Moon

Ok so I don’t normally post about Helluva Boss but the newest episode touched on an interesting concept I haven’t necessarily seen represented in media. Back when I was on Twitter (derogatory) a few years ago there was this now deleted viral thread where someone discussed how their struggles with mental health affected their relationship with their partner and I haven’t stopped thinking about it since.

This is such a good, short example of how anxiety and depression can play tricks on you. It becomes so easy to envision yourself as a nuisance, a constant burden to those closest to you because they cannot possibly genuinely enjoy your company, right? But in doing so you create this arbitrarily cruel version of the people you love, people who would otherwise never behave like this outside of your own mind.

It's mean. Because your mind wants to be mean to you under these circumstances. It wants to put everyone else's emotions and desires above yours, both in worthiness and validity. And that starts bleeding into your understanding of other people, especially those you care about.

Now. Helluva Boss.

"Can I get a fucking MINUTE to think after everything you put me through you pompous rich ASSHOLE? Treat me like one of your little butler imps, you can’t just dismiss me like that! I mean, you royal fucks think you can do this every time, like you can just play with our feelings because we’re smaller and not as important. Well I’m not letting you, BITCH! Let’s go!" - Blitz

I find it really interesting how Helluva Boss decided to approach this conflict between Stolas and Blitz. Obviously, the difference in power matters. It's the underlying tension of their entire relationship and their lives. Stolas is burdened by the mountain of expectations thrust upon him from a very young age while Blitz is constantly reminded that he can NEVER be part of that world, that he is "smaller and not as important" not just in Hell's hierarchy but in his own life and family. Stolas very literally has power over Blitz (through the grimoire, the arrangement, his position in society) and Blitz uses their relationship as an excuse to reverse those roles. But that power dynamic, in one form or another, never truly goes away. And for Blitz, it's a lot easier to paint Stolas as this manipulative symbol of power and himself as nothing more than Stolas' plaything. It's easier to be angry than to be vulnerable and accept that someone might care about him.

"Dismiss" is the keyword in that quote. All that Blitz has been able to process is that Stolas has decided to end the relationship that they have. He feels ls like a choice has been taken away from him so he lashes out because he's not ready to emotionally tackle what the rest of Stolas' offer might entail. If Stolas hates him, just wants to play with him, then he is justified in his anger, his self-destruction, his isolation. If the world is mean, you're "allowed" to be mean back.

But

In that moment he forgets that Stolas is someone he actually cares about. Someone he's known for way too long and clearly wants to keep in his life, no matter how reluctant he can be to admit it. Someone who is not innately cruel or manipulative but sad and desperate for connections in a lot of the same ways that Blitz is. And Blitz immediately sees that he's miscalculated something.

Somewhere along the way the fictional version of Stolas that he's allowed himself to be mad at and the real one that he's not ready to admit he cares about have merged into something real that he has actual power over. Stolas can get hurt and Blitz can be the one who does it. He has once again allowed his greatest fears (which Stolas so frequently symbolizes) to co-opt his loved ones, to give him an "out" even though he didn't actually want one in the first place.

I'm definitely not the first person to say this but I think this is an example of the miscommunication trope done right. Their individual struggles are what cause them to be unable to connect during this conversation or to even have a proper conversation in the first place. There is no convenient misunderstanding or third party fabricating this rift. Both of them have preconceived ideas of what the other one is thinking but those ideas are flawed and rooted in self-hatred. They also both shutdown in their unique ways when the conversation starts heading in the direction they'd feared it would.

Blitz and Stolas work because they're both fucked up in similar ways, because they want similar things. That's the same reason why they're uniquely designed to hurt one another. A fear of rejection and a yearning for happiness. To borrow a quote that has been used by literally everyone from Spiderman to Evangelical preachers, "hurt people hurt people."

anyway, I really liked this episode.

(twitter thread screenshots sourced from this reddit post)

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absolutepokemontrash · 1 month ago

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Ignore how late I am but I saw the post and I feel the the need to complain about this. A squick I have when it comes to fics and headcanons is when Belphie is completely villainized while the rest of the brothers hate him with their whole being while also depicted as perfect. And while that's annoying on its own, whenever this happens everyone else in the work also gets fucked over.

I specifically mean works where Belphie gets reduced to "the cold and callous villain who killed MC" and that's it. No acknowledging any circumstance around or about why he did it and making being manipulative his entire personality trait. And the rest of the brothers hate him for killing and manipulating MC, which I would understand more if this didn't so frequently come with them acting like they've never even hurt MC before.

The brothers love and protect MC by lesson 16, yeah, but they also almost put MC six feet under on multiple occasions themselves and only just got used to seeing humans as equals. They would be upset with Belphie for killing MC, but they wouldn't hate or never forgive him because they've been brothers long before MC got there and it would be hypocritical.

And this causes the rest of the brothers to act extremely out of character as well. Especially when it comes to why the brothers can't forgive him. Sometimes the brothers will hate Belphie for "killing Lilth" or hurting her descendant which is??? Or they'll treat MC like they're a replacement for Belphie, which is also???? And in these situations, MC acts like they're the antagonist of a replacement AU.

For some reason in works where Belphie's personality or lore gets tossed out of the window, so does everyone else's and both of these are so nerve grating to me. Okay, done complaining.

I have so many thoughts and opinions on Belphie and the fandom’s treatment of him, that I could deadass write a peer reviewed thesis on him…

TLDR: The mischaracterization of Belphie in the fandom is so rampant that I’m convinced some people writing him or complaining about him haven’t played the game.

Just to get this out of the way, Belphie’s character redemption arc suffered due to the 20 lesson limit in season one. His grand evil plan got put into motion in lesson 16, and we had to spend the entirety of lesson 17 (and into lesson 18) turning him into a viable Husbando (tm), therefore, his redemption and development was incredibly rushed.

Onto the good stuff 😈

My take on Obey Me and the brothers as a whole is that while yes, the writers have been woobifying them a whole lot, a LOT of their “toned down” behaviours can literally just be explained by them not having a *reason* to be assholes anymore because MC has done so much work to help them repair their relationships with each other.

I was raised Catholic (decently progressive Catholic, still got the fun guilt though lmao) and the way I was taught to view sin, was that it was an act of violence against someone else, and/or yourself, because there is some kind of deficiency or problem in your own life. It’s that whole “hurt people hurt people” thing, and you can literally SEE it with the brothers.

Lucifer isolates himself and puts on the persona of the tough, scary, intimidating eldest brother when in reality, he’s scared, and guilty, and fucking embarrassed about what happened with Lilith. You can see this when Luke took the Grimoire, Lucifer wasn’t acting out of rage, he was acting out of fear and disguising it, and then lashed out at Luke and MC and only stopped when Diavolo told him to because Dia is literally his boss.

Now what does this have to do with Belphie? Belphie is downright homicidal when the game starts in season one (which is why Luci locked him in the attic, to protect him AND the exchange program), now the question is “why?”

To put what Belphie has been going through in perspective: this guy has been drowning in guilt, trauma, grief, and self loathing for thousands of years. He feels guilty that Beel saved him instead of Lilith, and most importantly, he feels guilty that he led Lilith to the human world to begin with. He’s lashing out because he’s been grieving for thousands of years with no one to turn to about it BECAUSE THE OTHER BROTHERS ARE ALSO STILL GRIEVING

Now of course, this doesn’t excuse what Belphie did to MC, but it does EXPLAIN it. He’s so angry at humanity and himself that he’s the emotional equivalent of a suicide bomber. He’s self destructing and trying to take the people he’s blaming with him and praying that makes the guilt go away.

Finally, when Diavolo and Barbatos reveal Lucifer’s secret about what really happened to Lilith (how she was reincarnated and got to live a happy life as a human), this is the kick that gets ALL the brothers to finally be able to move on. We spent the entirety of season one making pacts and going on silly little adventures with everyone, all the while being the support system they needed to finally move on from their grief.

So THAT is why it makes me so angry when people act like Belphie is uniquely The Worst.

This is coming from someone who doesn’t mind writing the brothers at what I believe to be “their worst” in terms of shitty behaviour (if you want an example, look at how Asmo is currently behaving in A Lovecraftian Exchange Student). But I think characterizing Belphie as some pure evil villain is a massive disservice to him as a character. (Ignoring his survivor’s guilt and grief etc etc)

Also, to act like the other six brothers would immediately hate and despise Belphie over this is so wrong, I’m sorry but it’s grossly wrong. Belphie is their sweet baby brother, yes they love MC, but guys, especially at that point in season one, yes they liked MC, but BELPHIE 👏 IS 👏 THEIR 👏 BABY 👏 BROTHER. I think they’d be disappointed and maybe angry at him, but they’re not going to just up and abandon him, no chance about it.

I’d say the brothers didn’t truly begin to love-love MC until the end of lesson 18-20 after they’ve done some growing as people, but that’s just my interpretation.

Finally.

Y’all.

Did you forget that Belphie literally offered a pact to MC, SPECIFIED THAT IT WASNT BECAUSE OF THEIR CONNECTION TO LILITH BTW, and did this entirely of his own free will because he liked them???

Guys, a pact is offering control of the demon’s entire being! Belphie had grown enough in trusting a human to the point where he was willing to put his life in their hands!

This was so ramble-y and confusing, I’m so sorry- I just have so many thoughts about the brothers and Belphie in particular 😭😭😭

#asks #obey me #obey me!#obey me! shall we date?#obey me shall we date #ask #anon #obey me mc #obey me lucifer #obey me belphegor

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ultimate-marysue · 2 months ago

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Something very interesting about Jimmy that I don't see a lot of people mention is how he has actual real problems. He is genuinely being victimized by the capitalist system and the shitty corporation he works for.

I think this is very important. The game doesn't try to sympathize with him at all, he couldn't be less sympathetic unless he kicked a puppy. Then why include it? They could have made him just another entitled asshole with no real problems thinking himself the true victim of life. But they don't.

In fact, in his monologue during the birthday scene he's not only lamenting his luck, he points out how their collective firing will affect Swansea and Anya. He actually speaks more about them than about himself.

I don't think this is a "Jimmy is not that bad actually" moment. I think it's a "Jimmy is human and has actual tangible problems that fuck his life up". This is important because it's so easy to demonize awful people like Jimmy to the point where they stop being human in our eyes. But they are, they are human and they sometimes weirdly care for the people they hurt.

Demonizing bad people is what leads to people like Curly trying to give "one more chance" to their buddies. To not kick them while their down because "They're going through a lot". The point of Jimmy is that you can be having an awful time in life and you can still be an awful person. You can be a victim of your circumstances and also victimize others.

It's so easy to spot assholes when they're rich people with no real excuse or explanation to why they behave like shit. But your friend who is down on his luck, and you know he's not a bad guy you know? He just maybe misunderstood or maybe he's just lashing out...yeah, that friend is an asshole too.

He may deserve a second chance, he may be going through a lot, but that doesn't excuse you for being the worst person ever. It's easy to demonize Jimmy because he is a bad person, he's problems aren't nearly as bad as Anya's or Swansea's, he hurts others and takes no responsibility for it. Even in the end he doesn't acknowledge how he hurt Anya. But let's not forget that his evil is a very human one.

The real lesson isn't "Jimmy bad", the real lesson is being the victim of a really shitty situation doesn't make you a poor martyr angel. You can fuck Up, and usually stressful situation make us fuck Up more. So when you're down is not the time to force everyone to tolerate your bullshit cause you're having a bad time. Other people are also having a bad time, some may be having a worse time than you. You're not entitled to cause harm to others just cause your going through a rough patch.

In life, people aren't assholes just because, they have reasons they tell themselves for acting the way they do. Don't be that person. Be understanding of people's issues, but don't tolerate bad behavior out of empathy or pity. The worst person you know is a pitiable guy that will weaponize his very valid issues to justify foul shit.

#mouthwashing #mouthwashing spoilers #mouthwashing meta #jimmy mouthwashing

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traumasurvivors · 1 year ago

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Here's a link to a blog post on my personal website on a topic that I think is very important.

I've also put it below the read more for people that don't like external links.

When it comes to healing from trauma, there are a lot of emotions an individual may feel. One of these emotions is anger. Anger is one of the emotions I see invalidated the most. For example, I’ve been told that being angry is “letting the person who hurt me win.” I’ve been told that I’m only hurting myself with my anger and that it’s holding me back from healing. All of these assumptions were wrong.

Anger is often viewed as a bad thing because it can drive a lot of unpleasant behaviours but it can be used for good. While anger can hurt you and others, it doesn’t have to. There is a difference between destructive anger and constructive anger. Destructive anger is often expressed in a way that causes harm to yourself or others whereas constructive anger can be used to better understand your situation and figure out your needs. Constructive anger can be a way to show respect for yourself.

For example, if you’re in a situation with a friend where they do something that makes you angry (for example: cancelling plans, forgetting an important date, etc), constructive anger may involve you stepping away from the situation to figure out the cause of your anger (for example: you feel their actions imply you’re not important to them) so that you can then sit down with your friend and communicate in a calm manner. This may allow your relationship to grow and build with a better understanding of each other. Destructive anger in this situation may involve you yelling at your friend and insulting them, which will likely damage or destroy the relationship. If the hurt your friend has caused makes you want to re-evaluate your friendship, this is valid and there are still constructive ways to end a friendship that will cause the least amount of hurt for all involved. It is also important to note that ignoring the anger and bottling up is likely to cause a bigger blow up down the line or cause “overreactions” to other circumstances.

If anger is bottled up, it can end up coming out unintentionally. You might find you’re getting much angrier at everyday annoyances and disagreements than you might think reasonable. People might push you away or respond badly to your anger, because they feel they do not deserve it - and looking back later, you might feel they don’t deserve it, either. However, because of the anger you’re holding back, you can’t see that in the moment. This is why it is important to think and consider your anger, and listen to what it’s trying to tell you. I have found asking questions of myself to analyze my anger can help, such as in an anger inventory like this one.

While many people see anger as an emotion that causes people to lash out and destroy things, anger can also help to motivate people to create new things. Marches to “Take back the night”, or for “gay pride” have much of their motivation based in anger at injustice and oppression. New laws to better protect survivors of domestic abuse or otherwise help society are often driven by people feeling a huge amount of anger. Properly harnessed, anger can help to take action to change things for the better.

On a more personal level, anger can also be a motivator to improve one’s own life. Many people have used the anger they felt at those who put them down as a motivation toward success. That success might be completing schooling, winning an international athletic competition or publishing a novel. One thing all of those have in common is that they are rarely possible to do with only a little time or a little effort. They are time-consuming tasks which usually require months if not years of work. They can be easy to give up on without motivation - and for many, anger is a big help to keeping that motivation.

It took me years to feel anger. For the first while, I felt ashamed, guilty and like I deserved the abuse I’d endured. Feeling angry at the people responsible for this was a step in my healing. I began putting the blame on those responsible and not myself. I was realizing that I did not deserve to be treated in the harmful ways that I was. This was huge to me as someone that had spent years thinking I deserved my trauma and as a result, future trauma and abuse as well.

There were instances where my anger was destructive, mostly to myself. I engaged in self-harm as a way to vent my anger and it also caused problems in my relationship at the time because I held my anger in and would get really frustrated and project my anger onto my relationship which was not fair to my partner.

Over the years, I’ve learned to cope with my anger more efficiently. What works for someone is largely dependent on them and their needs. For me, it was a literal punching bag to vent out frustrations and journaling. It was sitting down with my anger and treating it like a friend trying to protect me (because it was in a way). It was listening to it and finding the cause. My true anger came from those who hurt me, and in a way, took a part of me. My anger largely came from grief and betrayal. Understanding where it came from did not make it disappear, but it did offer me perspective and allow me to better manage it.

For some, anger is a cover up for other emotions. It becomes a defense mechanism against feeling the sadness, hurt and other emotions that a person does not want to feel. The anger is just the first layer and understanding where that anger comes from, and that the anger is a cover up is a great step in moving beyond it. Feeling the emotions beneath it will play a big part in moving beyond the anger.

Anger is a valid and understandable emotion when it comes to healing from trauma, even if your trauma does not have a specific person to blame (natural disasters and death of a loved one are examples). If the person who hurt you did not mean to or did not know better (like another child), anger is still a valid emotion. You’ve been hurt and you should not have been and it is reasonable to feel angry at this.

For a lot of us, anger plays a part in our healing. And that’s okay! You’re allowed to feel angry. Anger becomes an issue when you allow it to consume you and hurt you or others. The feeling itself is not inherently bad, and it can actually be a good thing. Your anger can be used to help you. It’s what you do with your anger that decides whether it’s helpful to you or not. When I was first told that my anger was “letting the other person win,” I believed that and felt invalidated. I have since realized that my anger has been an important part in understanding my pain and my needs. My anger is not letting someone else win, but letting me win, by helping me to heal.

#my blog posts #i am going to be gradually re-posting my posts #with text under a read more #to make them more accessible to people that don't like external links #anger

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hunter-sylvester · 5 months ago

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Skullflower is Autistic: A Breakdown.

Buckle the fuck up.

Disclaimer: Don't take any of this too seriously.

Also all of this was written over a year ago with only minor edits. I'm just posting it now cause it's been rotting in my drafts and, like, fuck it.

I've wanted to try and make a comprehensive breakdown like this for a while just because I love these characters and very heavily interpret them all as autistic (with ADHD as well.) But this is just the perspective of one guy. And I probably overstate it but the fact that we can all have our own very personal interpretations about media is what's great about analysis & fandom.

Hunter Sylvester.

Yes I'm doing Hunter first, what do you think I am? Unbiased? Please.

Autistic Perfectionism. Hunter's autistic perfectionism is something I've mentioned before and somewhat struggle to describe satisfactorily. But to me the most obvious example is his inability to deal with the idea of Emily joining Skullfucker as a cellist. Obviously, there's the queer angle to this but I think two reasons can play a role at once. He's in love with Kevin so he doesn't want a girl that Kevin picked to be a part of their band. Additionally, I'd argue that he can't deal with the idea of having a girl cellist as their bass player because it in NO WAY fits the mental image that Hunter has in his mind of what he wanted Skullfucker to be. It doesn't match the perfect idea that he's dreamed of, that he holds onto for dear life, so he can't deal with it.

Hyperfixations. "Hunter's been into a lot of things since I've known him but he's stuck with metal longer than any of them." - Kevin. Need I say more? Well, I will anyway. The guy hyperfixates. I think the closest thing we have to a canon confirmed hyperfixation is Dungeons & Dragons. Because of what in my mind is a combination of Autism and ADHD in Hunter, they don't fully leave him. He still likes and plays D&D, but he's not as obsessed with it as he used to be when he made his dad buy him the most ridiculous game terrain that fucking lights up.

Special Interests. I think one of the easiest claims to make is that metal is a special interest for Hunter. He entrenches his entire life in it and reaches for it when a stressful situation happens to try and make himself feel more okay. (getting his hair cut off by Skip and relating his new look to Jason Newsted) It's clearly something that comforts him, having been obsessed with it ever since his mom left. Which, regardless of the specific circumstances, is a horridly stressful situation for any 12-13 year old.

Struggles with social interaction. He doesn't seem to have a lot of friends. He gets along with Robbie, Kevin (obviously) and the people he plays D&D with but that seems to be it. Especially whenever the situation gets very stressful, Hunter's mind immediately reaches for his comfort interest to try and make it through (or to lash out). He can't easily just be comfortable in a strange social situation. Or a strange situation in general.

Stims. Hunter stims by playing guitar. That's it, that's the whole point. And there's this little move:

Kevin Schlieb.

Neutrality. The way Kevin just takes Hunter and Emily as they are feels autistic to me.

Struggles with social interaction. And he clearly wants it to be easier for him. He wants to connect to people but he doesn't know how. It's not like he doesn't understand people. He does. He understands Hunter better than Hunter understands himself. "sometimes he's not so nice to people when he's uncomfortable" "You are afraid of everybody" "you treat everybody like shit and you make them hate you" But that understanding of how people think and work doesn't translate to his direct interactions with most of his peers. Maybe because he understands other neurodivergent people but not neurotypicals. The fact he does have a decent read on, at the very least, his best friend could also be indicative of the extra work Kevin has had to put in over the course of his life to try and understand people to begin with.

Directness. A lot of Kevin does feel direct to me. I suppose in a 'what you see is what you get' sort of way. He obviously has the whole protagonist thing going on which tends to end you up with pretty neutral, earnest and open characters.

Stims:

Emily Spector.

Gets overstimulated. Emily's outbursts could be attributed more to a struggle regulating her emotions. It's not a huge stretch to assume her mystery medication is a mood stabilizer. However, the idea of it being a combination of being overstimulated and then no longer being able to deal with her anger on top of the distress she's already feeling feels apt to me. This is a stretch, but, we only ever see her have outbursts at school. A nightmare environment for the stimuli sensitive. Emily is by far the character out of the main three we spend the least time with, which could easily explain my previous point away. We hardly see her out of school to begin with. But I think there can be merit in taking it as a part of the story, rather than an incidental effect of her being left by the wayside.

Black and white thinking. "So first you tell me that I should hate him, and now you want me to help him?" - Emily. No, he didn't say you should hate him, Emily. "You have every right to be mad- especially at Hunter!" - Kevin.

Directness. I mean she literally calls up Kevin to ask him if he wants to go fuck in a parking lot and more power to her. But it is very direct.

Struggles with social interaction. And apart from Skip & Co. having a particular hate-boner for Hunter, Emily might actually be the most widely ostracized for her lack of social finesse. Which would check out because society is brutally cruel to girls. Kevin is shown to have some positive interaction outside of the other two main characters, so is Hunter. And, yes, so is Emily. But it's only with the janitor of the school, who she is implied to have had previous interactions with. Having your only friend at school be the fucking janitor is not a neurotypical experience. I know I certainly got along easier with a handful of teachers than I did with my peers back when I was at school.

Whatever this is. Fam, I've BEEN there...but it's not neurotypical:

A 'little' note to end on: I want to state that I love all three of these character very dearly. I don't pretend that I don't have a favorite, but they are all amazing. There's various reasons why Metal Lords is such a comforting movie, but a big one, is that the characters act in a way that feels incredibly familiar. They act like me. They act like my autistic friends. We make weird facial expressions, we understand the world and each other through our interests. The way all of them talk feels so close to home. (The swearing is actually part of that. A lot of real people swear and over-censoring of that tends to bug me but that's kinda beside the point lmao)

#this has been in my drafts since march 17th 2023 #reread it and yaknow what it reads good enough #old tags >#decided to finally start this on a whim #running on depression fumes #metal lords #metallords #hunter sylvester #kevin schlieb #emily spector #hunterwriteswords #huntermakesgifs #autism #adhd #hunterposts #character analysis

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starlightshadowsworld · 3 months ago

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I got asked earlier what my thoughts are on the Mori is Atsushi’s dad theory. And personally I don’t buy into it (full breakdown is here incase anyone’s curious.)

But I find it an interesting idea and wanted to play around with it. So here’s my concept for what if Mori was Atsushi’s dad.

Mori knew he’d need a successor for when he took over the Port Mafia. It’d be easier for it to be his own heir. But he wasn’t exactly jazzed about having a baby to look after.

As time went on tho Mori did develop a bond with Atsushi. He wouldn’t call it love but he did feel some affection for him. A feeling that definitely grew when Atsushi manifested a powerful ability.

At first as far as Mori knew, it was simply to turn into a tiger. Which in enough itself was impressive. But that Atsushi got into an accident (as babies do) but miraculously his ability seemed to heal his wounds.

Upon closer inspection Mori realises it wasn’t quite regeneration. But reversion, bringing him back to his original state and thus no longer being injured (same analysis Yosano makes in season 1.)

Definitely does has a “of course he has a powerful ability, he is my son after all” moment. And things would’ve stayed mostly peaceful until the Great war. Mori ends up heading off and has enough sense not to bring his 4 year old with him (but bringing an 11 year old is clearly fine.)

And so Atsushi is left in the care of his mother. Mori and her aren’t together, they are amicable and only really interact if it concerns Atsushi. She’s even dating another man, a cute Russian man who offers to look after her son when an emergency comes up.

One he is directly responsible for because ✨surprise ✨ it’s Fyodor. He takes Atsushi to a far away orphanage, weaving a story about a poor child he found in a bin. Atsushi’s mum is horrified when she comes home, and turns out Fyodor was in disguise and using a fake name.

And because there was a whole thing about the northern lights in the Great War causing emp waves (or something), the phone service is shit and Mori doesn’t find out until he returns. He doesn’t exactly take the news well.

It’s then that Natsume reveals to him what the book is and Atsushi’s connection to it. Saying he didn’t say anything prior because he wanted to be completely sure. And had he known this man was after Atsushi he would have. Mori’s not exactly happy but he understands.

This whole thing only fuels his desire to be PM Boss. Knowing he’ll gain the resources to locate his son. Life carries on and Mori sits on the throne of the PM. The only people who knew of his son were Dazai and Chuuya, and Mori tells them at the same time.

When Chuuya is lashing out in Mori’s office about what he’s lost to the old Boss Mori says he understands. He understands how it feels to lose everything you hold dear, but also to rise above and take control. “I had a son. He was stolen from me, and I will rake this earth until I find him alive.”

When Chuuya joins he says something like “when the day comes you find a lead. I will do everything in my power to bring your son back to you.”

That lead would come 6 years later when a bounty for a tiger is given to the PM. And Mori freezes at the sight of its eyes, he’d know those eyes anywhere.

Everyone’s confused as to why the bounty isn’t being taken, except for Chuuya who puts two and two together. Akutagawa is instructed to bring the weretiger back.

But under no circumstances is he to hurt him. This goes out the window once Atsushi joins the Agency and Dazai, while captured purposefully riles up Akutagawa. Because he realised Atsushi’s identity and won’t let Mori take him.

Things carry on, Akutagawa’s on thin fucking ice as is Kouyou but things go on.

Atsushi and Mori still meet in Anne’s Room. Atsushi thinks he looks familiar and Mori pretends he doesn’t know him. And gives him advice, he’s curious to see what his son has grown into. And also doesn’t want their reunion to take place here.

Mori is also more open to a truce even if he doesn’t accept it right away, especially when learning it was Atsushi’s idea.

Atsushi doesn’t learn the truth until Dead Apple. He doesn’t take it well but learns to accept himself. Akutagawa gives him a good tongue lashing for not telling him and the Agency accepts Atsushi.

Atsushi and Mori don’t meet properly until the Cannibalism arc, truly wonderful timing. He feels guilty for worrying about Mori. Speaking of, Mori finally learns Fyodor’s the one who stole Atsushi, after being stabbed by him.

There’s really no easy way to break it to Atsushi that the Agency are going to kill his dad. He’s against it (even more so than in canon) and wants to try and find a different solution. But after the lead is a failure, all Atsushi asks is if he can at least say goodbye.

His friends grant him that at least.

Atsushi walks up to PM headquarters to Chuuya who stops the goons from trying to shoot him.

Atsushi: Do you know who I am?

Chuuya: The Agencies Weretiger?

Atsushi: Not that. It’s…About your Boss.

Chuuya: So you found out. Yeah, what about it?

Atsushi: I want to see him. I don’t know what’ll happen but, I know this might be my last chance.

Chuuya passes a message on, gets the okay and sends a goon with Atsushi to go up. “And kid, for what it’s worth. He’s missed ya.”

Mori is sat up in bed and sends Kouyou out. It’s awkward at first but Mori doesn’t seem phased by it. Asking how Atsushi is and sharing old stories.

Atsushi getting emotional because he was told he was abandoned. Mori firmly remarking that he wasn’t, that Mori scoured the country and than some for him.

That he was missed, dearly.

Atsushi saying that he wished they had more time. And that he’s trying to find a different solution, giving a teary smile when Mori comments he truly did take after him. Mori has no doubt he’ll survive this but simply says he has faith in Atsushi.

If he says theres a solution where everyone survives then there will be. And that when it comes they should get dinner, whatever he likes.

“Do you still love chazuke?”

“It’s my favourite.”

“Mine too. Chazuke it is then.”

Atsushi leaves with hesitation and the assassination plot kicks off and fails. The rest of the plan is carried out and the end has Atsushi and Mori eating chazuke together at a restaurant.

Atsushi knows what kind of man Mori is, but he’s also his dad. He knows he cares in his own way and wouldn’t hurt him. And they are allies currently.

Chuuya goes back for Atsushi during the rescue and finds he’s missing. Which gives Mori a heart attack until he realises Atsushi snuck out with Kyouka and made a deal with Fitzgerald.

Does he wish Atsushi came to him? Yes, though he does understand Atsushi’s reasoning and touched he didn’t want to drag the PM into this (oh dear boy we were involved when you got dragged into it.)

Also doesn’t appreciate Fitzgerald manipulating his son.

Things go on, worlds saved until it isn’t and Mori gets up to greet Atsushi. And for the first time, hugs him. Atsushi breaks down and Mori tells him this will all be fixed.

That damn rat had taken too much from Atsushi, he wouldn’t take anymore. Ability or not, Mori would find a way to kill him if he tried. He couldn’t even be happy at having his son in his rightful home.

Fyodor was going to pay dearly.

#idk if this makes sense #but there’s the vibe #bsd 118 #bsd atsushi #bsd manga spoilers #bsd 118 spoilers #bsd mori #atsushi nakajima #mori ougai #bsd fyodor #bsd fyodor dostoevsky #bungou stray dogs #bsd

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cosmicjoke · 1 month ago

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How Levi's and Zeke's Role as one another's Foil is demonstrated through the Parallels and Contrasts of their Relationships with Kenny and Grisha:

As we know, Levi and Zeke are positioned in AoT as foils for one another, which I’ve spoken about extensively in numerous posts, going over all the ways in which they’re obviously, intentionally contrasted against each other. But I was thinking today, another way in which Levi and Zeke are contrasted, is that while Zeke became bitter and angry at his circumstances growing up, and in response decided he wanted to lash out and make his father pay for ruining his life by destroying the very thing Grisha fought for, i.e. wiping out the Eldian race where Grisha wanted to restore the Eldian Empire, and in turn, without any real awareness I think, convincing himself he was saving people from suffering while in fact inflicting it and even reveling in it, Levi went in literally the opposite direction. Instead of wanting to make others suffer for the suffering he’d endured, instead of wanting to make Kenny pay for ruining his life, he sought to save people from those same experiences and prevent them from having to live through what he did, showing exceptional empathy and compassion toward others. And for anyone who thinks Kenny wasn't abusive toward Levi, or otherwise want to deny in any way the immense harm he caused Levi, I'll direct you to these posts I've written about just how genuinely abusive and awful Kenny was and the psychological and physical harm and danger he subjected Levi to:

https://www.tumblr.com/cosmicjoke/714444060984737792/the-psychological-and-emotional-impact-of-levis?source=share

https://www.tumblr.com/cosmicjoke/714626354972360704/part-2-of-the-psychological-and-emotional-impact?source=share

https://www.tumblr.com/cosmicjoke/714804308475052032/thinking-more-about-the-ways-in-which-kenny-failed?source=share

https://www.tumblr.com/cosmicjoke/714990189976698880/more-thoughts-on-levi-and-kenny?source=share

https://www.tumblr.com/cosmicjoke/750230226046468096/love-seeing-people-trying-to-downplay-the-damage?source=share

It really speaks to the contrast in their characters, that they both responded to similar situations in starkly different ways, both fundamentally and philosophically.

Unlike Zeke, whose every move was essentially made in service of getting revenge on Grisha, Levi never ended up wallowing in Kenny’s abandonment of him or being driven by a desire for revenge, but was instead driven by compassion and a sense of obligation to use his strength for something positive. Again, I think that fact demonstrates the absurdity of people claiming Levi is some revenge-driven person. He’s literally the opposite. It’s why there’s this cognitive dissonance in these people not being able to comprehend why Levi doesn’t want to kill or hurt Annie, for example. Their understanding of Levi is fundamentally flawed, and because of that, they think it’s out of character or bad writing on Isayama’s part, that Levi shows no interest in paying Annie back for what she did to his squad. If they could just understand that Levi isn’t and never has been a vengeful person, they would realize that his attitude toward Annie makes perfect sense. Levi was never egotistical enough or self-interested enough to be into revenge.

Ironically, really, for all that so many people labor under this misconception that Levi is a vengeful person, it's actually Zeke who was always revenge obsessed. Yes, Grisha was an awful father, but he wasn't, in fact, a bad person. He was just incredibly misguided and dealing with his own, horrific trauma, rooted in deep guilt over what happened to his sister. I think this is important to acknowledge in order to better understand, again, the contrast between Levi and Zeke and how they act as foils for one another, narratively and thematically speaking.

What Grisha experienced as a child was truly horrific, and it led to him being blinded by his desire to right the defining experience of wrong from his childhood, so much so that he wasn't able to see until it was too late the damage he was causing Zeke. But he never set out to really hurt anyone. That doesn't mean he didn't, and this isn't meant to serve as an excuse for Grisha's abuse of Zeke. He very much was abusive and should absolutely be held accountable for that. But much like Zeke himself, Grisha lacked the introspection to realize the harm he was causing, and unlike Zeke, and in turn, unlike Kenny, he never actually deliberately hurt or enjoyed hurting anyone.

In contrast, Kenny very much was a bad person, someone who made a literal career out of murdering people and who very obviously reveled in and enjoyed violence. Someone who one might even say worshiped the idea of violence, and who through that attitude routinely exposed Levi to this idea of killing for pleasure or simply the idea of "might is right". And unlike Grisha, Kenny was never blind to his actions, either. Kenny always knew exactly what he was doing. He knew he was a bad guy and knew the things he was exposing Levi to and what he was trying to make Levi into were bad. We know this because Kenny had a secret desire to be good. Of course, his idea of how to become good was completely warped. He believed that in order to be able to be a good person, one needs to be strong, that one needs ultimate power, and we see Kenny's own, rotten nature play out in his willingness to cut anyone down in pursuit of that desire, undermining with each murder his own pursuit. We see the deep and ironic contradiction there, between Kenny's actions and what it is he's trying to obtain. But again, Kenny never labored under any delusion that what he was and what he was exposing Levi to were somehow good or noble pursuits. He didn't think he was setting Levi on some holy crusade for the greater good, the way Grisha believed he was doing with Zeke. He just viewed Levi as a project, a means of testing his theory of "might is right", experimenting as a means of proving his belief that only the strong deserve to live, immersing Levi purposefully into a life of horrific violence and brutality and seeing if he was "strong enough" to make it.

I lay all this out to demonstrate how, even though Levi had every cause to despise Kenny and desire vengeance against him, knowing full well what a terrible person Kenny was, knowing even that Kenny was fully aware of the harm he was causing Levi himself, he never became consumed by or even interested in such a pursuit. Kenny abandoned him and Levi carried on with his life. Zeke, in contrast, assumed Grisha was a terrible person based solely off the fact that he was neglectful toward Zeke and put too much pressure on him to fulfill a certain role, and off of that assumption, made it his life's mission to destroy his father's dream. I think this really demonstrates perfectly a fundamental difference between Levi's and Zeke's natures as people.

Going back to how Levi and Zeke serve as foils for one another, Zeke is a largely negative character, whose motives are rooted in negative feelings, i.e., this belief that life is meaningless and nothing but suffering, bitter anger and resentment at his father for not giving him enough love, unappreciative as a result of the love he does receive, such as from his grandparents and Mr. Ksavar, and a level of self-absorption that renders him incapable of perceiving or considering the thoughts and feelings of others. That’s contrasted against Levi, who is a largely positive character, whose motives are rooted in positive feelings, i.e., this belief that life is precious and, while being painfully aware of its cruelty, still believing it to be worthwhile and being driven by an intense desire to save lives, a tragic gratitude for the single, good memory he has of his mother’s love and elegance, and a level of selflessness and empathy that renders him more compassionate, kind, aware and considerate of the thoughts and feelings of others than any other character in the series.

And again, I think we see that deliberate contrast between Levi and Zeke in their opposing attitudes toward their abusers. We see how much Zeke hates Grisha, how his hatred for Grisha really consumes him and drives him toward becoming very much like him, so bitter and hateful and consumed by revenge that he neglects others and their desires completely, essentially continuing the cycle of abuse, and how that differs from Levi and his attitude toward Kenny, how Levi became in every way that counts the opposite of Kenny, someone who values all life equally, regardless of whether a person is strong or not, someone who believes the worth of a person’s life isn’t determined by their strength or usefulness, someone who prioritizes allowing others their agency and right to choose for themselves.

Both Levi and Zeke sought approval from Kenny and Grisha respectively, but while Zeke made it his life’s mission, basically, to stick it to his father for never giving him the love he sought, Levi never developed any such hatred for Kenny. Yes, he clearly was deeply hurt and was angry at Kenny for abandoning him, and clearly he thought of Kenny as a selfish and bad person, as is demonstrated at his shock when Kenny gives up the serum. We know from this that Kenny was never generous with Levi at all. But Levi never hated him. We see that in his final interaction with him. He blamed himself for Kenny’s abandonment of him and thought it must be something lacking in himself that caused it, whereas Zeke completely blamed Grisha for his neglect and feelings of misery, and grew to so despise him that, again, he essentially used his hatred of him as an excuse to inflict more suffering upon others.

I think the way Isayama frames Levi and Zeke as foils for each other is really brilliant. There’s so many examples, none more so than the way they’re contrasted during the raid in Liberio. I wrote a post about that here, specifically, if anyone is interested in reading it: https://www.tumblr.com/cosmicjoke/691063405819379712/further-observation-of-the-core-contrast-between?source=share

#Levi Ackerman #Zeke Yeager #attack on titan #shingeki no kyoujin #analysis #meta #commentary

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animelovelover123 · 8 months ago

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V's Yandere Alphabet v2.0

Synopsis: An updated and improved version of my original with more content. For those who have read the original, the big changes can be seen in entries L, P, Q, V, X, and Y.

Author's Note: I wrote the original during a troubling time and it resulted in the project taking 6 months and me hatting it by the end. However, after being encouraged by someone asking me if I would write for the other guys and my completionist side being bugged by how the original alphabet was not complete, I went back in and felt more motivated. I actually kind of want to write for the other guys now! Still no promises though.

The yandere alphabet I am using is an edited version of one made by no gender bee on tumblr. I added missing letters, changed some of the letters/descriptions, and altered some of the grammar (like using Canadian spelling).

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction for personal entertainment. If you are reading this, please understand that drawing/writing/reading/imagining things of this nature does NOT equate to desiring or supporting real-world assault.

Abuse = Could they ever hurt you physically or mentally? What would be the reason?

Physically? No. Mentally, kind of. He would not do it with the intent of causing harm, but some of V’s mental manipulation can hurt. He’ll pull at your heartstrings, saddle you with guilt, and talk in circles to get you to comply with his wishes all while using flowery language to mask the manipulative web he is weaving.

A big one, and the most common form of mental strain he gives you, is when he is desperate for attention and at the end of his rope. He will plead for it, reminding you that neither of you knows how long he has left to live and that he only wants to spend it with you. He does this to show you how much you mean to him, but he is also aware that he is inciting guilt in you. He does not realize how deeply and long it can affect you though until you tell/show him.

Both = You are a Yandere too, what’s their reaction?

V is intrigued and finds it amusing at first. His obsessive tendencies take longer to form, and he also does not believe he will live long so he sees your invasive and manipulative actions as entertaining with no fear of long-term repercussions. Even if you think you are being sneaky, he sees everything you are doing and he enjoys watching your reactions as he either plays along with your schemes or effortlessly evades them.

But once he finds himself falling for you in return, he gets rather depressed. He sees how desperately you want him, yet he knows, no matter how much he wants you as well, that all of your attempts to show your love will be in vain. He’ll try to pull away from you, but the more you chase, the more he wants you.

Then he finds out a way to live longer and his restraints are finally broken. You and he revel in your shared obsession, happily lavishing each other with love and attention. He sees your quirks and views them as romantic gestures. He finds out you have been stealing his things? How it warms his heart to know you want him close at all times even when home alone. Why don’t we move in together darling to save you the trouble? You’ve cancelled his plans with others behind his back? Well, why didn’t you tell him you wanted a night alone? He would love nothing more. You’ve killed a supposed love rival? Snuffing out another's life just because they threatened to take his love, though not necessary as you already have his heart, is such a beautiful display of adoration that he just has to give you a reward~

Crazy = How easy do they enter crazy mode? How do they act when they are in it?

It takes a lot for this man to snap. He is the essence of calm and collected, able to keep his composure in circumstances where most would panic and/or become angry. You could rage at him before walking out the door claiming you will never return, and though he will put up a bit of a fight, he knows deep down that you are just lashing out. After you have time to calm down you will be back in his arms soon enough. Whether by your own means or his, that was yet to be seen. This man could be in the middle of getting arrested and he would comply because he knows that this is not the end. He could easily escape prison and find his way back to you. The only true end is death, and that is what will cause him to snap.

Not his own death per se as that mental break will be directed and contained to himself. If his plan for extended life starts failing, he will fight tooth and nail to survive while rushing through the stages of grief. The most this will affect you is that he will disappear for a while as he tries to find a solution before returning when he realizes there is no hope for him and begs you to stay with him until his last breath.

The true snapping point would be a result of your life almost being lost, particularly if you try to take your own. Knowing or, worse, catching you trying to end your life flips a switch in him. He already had a lot of stress from trying to preserve his own life, but when he realizes that he could lose the primary reason he fought so hard to live all of that effort, panic, and stress gets funneled into caring for you. Now that he perceives a proverbial ticking clock for both of your lives, he will no longer allow a single second to go by without you. He will lock you up in his home and become your caretaker, tying you up so you can’t hurt yourself and taking care of all of your needs himself like feeding you and bathing you. You are his everything, and he will not let a second of both of your possibly short lives not be spent together. (see Kidnapped)

Difference = When can you notice a difference in behaviour in them? What are the first signs that their love for you is unhealthy?

At first V’s yandere tendencies were subdued and easily hidden. For the first couple months of knowing you he was under the belief that he was not long for this world. His body was actively deteriorating and soon he would have to return to Vergil.

But then he found a way that he could continue living as his own person. Maybe through killing and absorbing Urizen’s life force rather than merging with it or by somehow stealing it from others. Either way, there was a chance for him to survive and pursue a relationship with you. That is when he changed and that is when you start noticing his obsession with you.

He won't totally indulge in his attraction to you until he has proof that this lead is viable, but he will suddenly become more affectionate. Where he once kept any compliments and flirtatious remarks shrouded in flowery language so that you could not quite tell if he meant it that way became more direct and regular. The few feet he always put between you two was shorted as much as you would allow.

When he does gain evidence that his plan for a longer life is working, all restraints are off. He immediately goes to you and confesses his love. He may even tell you right then his true origins, why they resulted in him being distant at first, and how now that he has a long life ahead of him he is excited to spend it with you.

Enjoy = Do they enjoy what they’re doing to you, your life and the people around you? Do they show it?

V does worry about how some of his actions affect you. He is a bit of a philosopher type, often getting lost in thoughts or conversations about the deeper meanings and effects things have on people and the world as a whole. He is also introspective so he will occasionally worry himself over what he is doing. This line of thought doesn’t only trigger when you show hints of discomfort or hesitation. You could be perfectly happy, but he is privy to the manipulation and trickery of his that you are falling for. He considers and speculates on how his actions could warp your mind in the long run. And when he pictures the worst-case scenario, he might just guilt himself into admitting to, and apologizing for, a recent misconception he gave you.

He did not say those things with malicious intent, he just wanted to protect you from the cruel world and keep you loving him.

Force = What, if any, kinds of things will they force on you? Isolating from friends and family? Going on dates? Physical affection and/or sexual acts?

If you are a demon, to any extent, V will force you into a contract with him, assuming he is unsuccessful in his initial attempt at convincing you to join willingly. Depending on your battle prowess he will even call you to (relatively easy) fights along with his other familiars. Seeing you in battle is just as beautiful as seeing you dance to him so he will gladly do it as long as the risk of permanent harm is practically nonexistent. No matter how skilled you are in combat though, your primary duty as one of his demons is as a companion. With you being bound to him he can call you to him whenever he wishes to be with you, which is most of the time. He’ll try to offer you space and as much free will as he can, but the more obsessed he becomes the more he will abuse this power over you. One thing to note though is that he will not force you into romantic or sexual acts, even if he technically could through your contract. No matter how much he desired you, he would never hurt you in that way.

Alternatively, say you were a human. He would force you, again assuming you don’t fall for his flowery words, to take on a demon familiar. Not just any demon though. Specifically, he wants you to bond with one of his familiars. If you want more than that that is your prerogative, the more safety you have and empowerment you feel is only a boon, but being partially bonded to one of his familiars is his requirement. He tells you that he wants to keep you safe by giving you access to one, or more, of his demons for protection, and this is true. Though V is their primary master, V will willingly put himself at a disadvantage in battle by allowing you to call one of his familiars for protection. And if you don’t call them V will send them to you. He also advertises the practical benefits of having creatures at your beck and call. One aspect that he does not fully disclose though is how being bonded to a demon under his command also acts as a tracking device for when you try to run. (See Hide)

Gross = What is something they think is really romantic/sweet but is actually horrifying?

He writes letters and notes to you using his blood as ink. Sometimes it is just his signature coloured burgundy, and other times you find whole notes or poems scrawled in thin, inconsistently faded cursive which he delivers to your home or work with a bandaged arm.

He already puts his heart and soul into these letters. To him, offering part of his body with them shows you his complete devotion.

Hide = How easy is it to hide from them?

Depends on if he has bound you to one of his familiars yet.

First, let's assume he hasn't. Then, honestly, it’s pretty easy as he is but one man with not a lot of connections. He can send out his familiars to scan the area for you, but they can not go too far from V. That is only if he works alone though because the few connections he does have are with people who hunt down living creatures as their profession. Sure, hunting a demon is not quite the same as hunting a person down and his friends will initially question why you would run off, but V just has to string together a tail of how you are being influenced by a denizen of hell and that they must find you before it is too late. Sure enough, he will convince the morally just crew of demon hunters to find his love and now half a dozen people are calling in favours and travelling the country looking for you. And when they do find you, even if you try to tell them that you ran away from V willingly, V’s story has already cemented itself in their brains so they will drag you back anyway. A caveat to this plan is that the crew will get more and more suspicious if you run away multiple times and V keeps asking them for their help.

One of the benefits of binding you to one of his demons is that he won't have to risk growing doubt within his friends. With you bound to one of his demons (see Force), no matter where in the world you run V can track your location by getting his familiar to appear around you, scan the area to gather information, and relay it to him. And when he is close enough, the familiar can just pin you down and call out like a siren so V can easily find you.

Improve = Will they be willing to recover from this psychotic state for their lover?

Working off of E for Enjoy, V can find the conviction to be better for you. The problem is that he does not really know how to be better. He has only existed as his own entity for a relatively short time and has no experience with having a healthy relationship. He has only ever had you and the, sometimes maddening, urges to be with you. But because of his overwhelming love for you and the fear that his actions risk harming you, he will work towards being better.

He has to look to healthier relationships, like Nero and Kyrie’s and what little memories of Sparda and Eva’s he retains from Vergil, to understand what they look like and how he himself is failing. And if he can’t make the headway he wishes, being unable to stop himself from telling you subtle lies and trying to monopolize your attention, he will talk to someone about his feelings and urges. He understands that he does not yet really understand how to be human and is not above asking for aid in learning, for his own well-being yes, but mostly for yours.

Justification = Why are they acting like this? When and how did it start?

Upon being created, V knew that he did not have long to live. Soon he would join with Urizen and become Vergil once more. When he first started to fall for you, he knew it would not last due to his minuscule lifespan so would not pursue a romantic relationship. He could not, however, stay away from you. You were like a work of art, so utterly perfect that it was a miracle you even existed in such a cold and cruel world. He tried to accept the brief moments of connection you shared as enough to have him return to Vergil without regrets, but it wasn't enough. It would never be enough.

His body was failing though, crumbling away. Perhaps when he becomes whole again Vergil will be able to be with you. But that would not be the same for you or V, and he knew that.

And then, he found a way to continue living as his own person (See Difference). Now he had a chance to have a life with you. But always lurking in the back of his mind is the fear that this means of sustaining his body and life will fail. He does not know when he will disappear or how quickly it could take him. This is why he needs to always be with you. He doesn’t know how much time he has left and he wants to spend as much of it with you as he can. You understand, don’t you darling?

Kidnap = Are they willing to kidnap you? If so, how will they do it? For how long will they keep you and where?

He will kidnap you if you make the drastic decision to try to end your own life (see Crazy). He has given you the freedom to do what you want, far more than most yanderes would, despite the dangers in the world because he trusted you and himself to keep you safe. But now that even you are a danger to yourself, that shattered any trust V had.

When he finds out what you were trying to do, whether it be through catching you in the act or finding out in the aftermath of a failed attempt, he will bring you to his home. He will tell you, and anyone else privy to your attempt, that he wanted to give you a safe place where you can be monitored, rest, and offer an ear to which you can discuss your feelings and thoughts without judgment. And with him being your partner, if other people knew of your attempt, they would trust him to watch over you and stop you from trying this again. And that was exactly what he would do.

So you spend the night with V in his home where he refuses to leave your side for more than a minute at a time. It was understandable though, right? He was just shaken from what you tried to do. But when you woke up you found your wrists belted together, as were your ankles, and were chained to the bed’s headboard and one of the bed’s end legs respectively.

“My love, you are awake.” V greets as he enters the room, a bowl of oatmeal in his hand. “How wonderful it is to see your beautiful eyes finally open.” You can ask him what is going on, but no matter if you question him in fear, anger, or confusion, he will smile sympathetically as he helps you sit up. “I know this may be a bit frightening my dear, but this is all for your safety. You have somehow come to the heartbreaking and erroneous belief that you should not live and have become a danger to yourself because of it. But worry not, for I love you unconditionally and will care for you in your stead. Now, open up~” He coos as he holds out a spoonful of oatmeal.

V keeps you bound for as long as it takes for him to trust you not to attack him. Still, whenever he leaves the house he chains you to the bed to make sure you don’t try anything. Soon enough he stops going out, instead spending every waking moment coddling you. He feeds you by hand, dresses you, bathes you, and loves you through any bout of emotions, be they positive or negative. You don’t get to step foot outside until after you are knocked out by drugs and discreetly transferred to a new home out in some forest. Once there he will be willing to take you on walks, if you can prove you can behave. Even if you do try to escape though, the forest is enchanted so any human without a demon guide will be lost to endlessly loop through the same areas.

After years of living like this and proving that you don’t intend to leave him or harm yourself, you may just be lucky enough to find out how V was able to keep you locked up and disappear without anyone coming to look for you. You see, your friends and family were devastated when they heard from V that you had killed yourself by running off into a demon nest and letting yourself be eaten. And then it was unfortunate but unsurprising when V, now without the love of his life, spiraled into depression, became a recluse, moved away from the city where he and his love spent their time together, and soon after joined you in the afterlife.

“What a tragic tale, isn’t it dear?” He asks you with a proud smile on his face as he feeds you your lunch.

Lonely = They are feeling lonely but you are busy with something else, what will they do?

V is a patient man. If you are busy with an activity or responsibility, he will wait patiently for you to finish. He has his limits though (See Non-Stop). Also, depending on how urgently the task must be done or the rules regarding it, V would like to get involved.

“What are you doing my songbird? Watching something? May I join you?” “What is that craft you are making? How fascinating… Would you do me the honour of teaching me how to do it?” “What are you so furiously researching love? I would so dearly like to hear all about it, and perhaps I can help you search.”

V wants to learn everything he can about you and be involved with your interests and hobbies. And even if you are doing something that he can not assist in, such as writing a paper for school or work, then he will still insert himself by delivering to you snacks, drinks, messages, or simply his silky voice reading out his poetry to calm you and act as white noise while you focus. As long as it does not harm you or put you in danger, then V wants to support you and uplift you in any way he can.

Moving On = If you die or escape, will they be able to move on? How easy will it be for them?

You are his light, his world, and the number one reason that he fought to stay alive. If you were to leave him, he would be devastated. With you gone so is his will to live, and so he will follow you into the beyond. However, one deciding factor for how he will come to his end is how you met yours. If it was some unforeseen tragedy then he would chase after you into the next world immediately. But if your death was in any way his doing, he would drag out his death. Whether it be through starvation or letting his body deteriorate, whichever was more painful and a fitter punishment for the sins he has committed.

Alternatively, if you were to escape and he could not find you, his will would slowly drain. He would spend more time and energy looking for you and despairing over not being able to find you, he would neglect what he needs to do to stay alive. Slowly his failing body would wither away or, if the option is still available, he may just make a last-ditch effort to become whole again. He knows that death would be an easier option than reforming, but his lingering feelings may unconsciously drive Vergil to keep looking for you and you wouldn’t hide from Vergil, right? Knowing you were at least alive would give V’s broken heart and soul some levity while it rotted away somewhere inside Vergil.

Non-Stop = How clingy will they be when you’re in a relationship? How possessive are they? And how much free space do they give you?

V will give you a great deal more space than most yandere’s. He is fine with you spending time with others, whether he is present or not. He will even allow you to go on multiple-day-long trips, like road trips or vacations, with others. Seeing you happy and hearing you excitedly recount your outings was a joy in it of itself for him. Hearing you talk with exuberance and seeing your radiant smile as you describe the event you attended, the activity you did, and the conversations you had was just enough to make missing you worth it. It also helps that he is an introvert so is more than okay with spending some time for himself.

There is a limit to this though. If you have a job or attend school then he can get by with having you in the morning and evening. He will encourage you and praise you for your hard work before and after each day while enjoying having you all to himself. But if, on top of this, you are going out with friends two or three days a week then he’ll get antsy. He won’t get in the way, but he will get a bit needy and clingy, doing things like wanting to walk you to and from places just to spend more time with you and inviting you on more dates and activities to offset how much you go out with others.

But if others try to take up more of your time than that, V will become a lot more proactive. Suddenly you start ‘forgetting’ your phone in the other room all the time, meaning you miss calls and texts. Your calendar and alarms start messing up more, giving you incorrect times and dates causing you to miss events. V seemingly becomes more worried about your well-being. Do you have a bit of a cough? Feeling warmer than usual? A bit of a headache? Well, then it is best if you stay home. Even if it seems small now, exserting yourself by going out could just make things worse. Besides, the weather report said it might rain. So just rest at home today, V will be there to care for you.

Other = Someone else speaks to or flirts with you, how will they react?

V is usually very confident and trusting of you to not betray him so does not mind when others speak to you. He doesn’t blame the person either because you are a truly fascinating person that V can’t get enough of, so others wanting to get to know you is only logical. Other’s flirting with you is usually a similar story, as he trusted you implicitly. But that does not mean he is always complicit. If you or the person give him a reason to worry, such as you seemingly reciprocating that flirtation or the person overstepping boundaries, then V will act.

It won’t be a full-on assault, physically or verbally, it will be a subtle, insidious poison that he seeps into the bothersome person. Through his words he will gracefully belittle and insult the person while showcasing his superior knowledge and sharp wit. Most of his comments don’t even immodestly register as insults, instead, they will weigh the person down bit by bit until their confidence is but dust in the wind and they realize that they have no chance in besting V in his control over your heart.

Persistent = You have rejected/ignored their first attempts at gaining your attention. How many more times will they try and how quickly will their actions ramp up in intensity?

Before discovering a means of sustaining himself, he will see your rejection or obliviousness to his signs of affection as signs and reminders to not pursue you as it will only end in heartbreak. However, if, after proving to himself that he can indeed survive his once-set expiration date and he confesses to you (See Difference), you somehow misunderstand his confession, perhaps as some kind of bout of manic joy from being able to extend his life, then he will take time to calm down so you know he is being serious and tell you honestly and blatantly. He has already waited for so long, suppressing the calling of his heart and soul, and he will not waste another moment of his life not cherishing and worshiping you as you so deserve.

Questioned = How do they react if someone catches on to their odd behaviour and questions them?

V is calm, composed, levelheaded, and a master at manipulation and the ways of the English language. If someone starts questioning his actions then he can easily lead, twist, loop, and end the conversation like a conductor to an orchestra with the other speaker left satisfied and a bit confused on the topic and point of the conversation.

Risk = How risky will they be with getting rid of rivals?

V has no intention of killing anyone. He loves you and, though you may not see it now, he knows you love him too. But if he really feels the need to dispose of someone, he has to be careful. Not so much because he fears the police or the friends and family of the victim. They could easily be tricked and manipulated into cooperating. It was his own family and friends that posed a problem. Dante, Nero, Kyrie, they would never understand. They don’t understand how deep his love is for you. If they found out he killed someone to protect his relationship with you, they would try to intervene or, worst of all, try to get you away from him. V can’t risk that.

So he carefully plans out his assassination. He can’t use his familiars because there is a chance that as soon as the police/family realize the murder was done by a demon they may call Lady or Dante’s businesses for help and they can spot Griffon, Shadow, and Nightmare’s work easily. And a physical altercation, even with the aid of weapons, would cause too much of a scene. So instead, V will kill with discreet methods, such as poison, or a disposable method, such as forming a contract with a demon, sending them out on their elimination mission, and then killing the new demon familiar so it could not be traced back to V.

Sweet = Even when they’re Yandere they can be sweet. What’s their sweet Yandere side?

You are his world, his everything, and he will tell you that often. Every day he tells you and shows you how much he appreciates you and all you do, for him and others. Being able to wake up beside you, spend time with you, and hold you at night is a blessing that he will always cherish, no matter how long you are together.

Type = What type of Yandere are they?

Going off of the Yandere Fandom Wiki’s list, V would mostly be a Manipulative Yandere (Focuses on working a series of situations to prevent losing their love.) with a bit of a Submissive Yandere (Only in love with one specific person and will carry out any task asked of them.).

V has a way with words and with his ability to stay calm and collected no matter the intricate lies he is weaving, he will subtly manipulate you into things like spending more time with him and fending off anyone who seriously threatens your relationship (See Other). He won’t just have you wrapped around his finger, as he will also make others question themselves or change their mind through his poetic, complex, cryptic wording. This can range from telling your family and friends that they should not make you go to some even, claiming things like how tired and stressed you are when in reality he just wants more time alone with you, to even beneficial things like convincing your teachers or boss to treat you better because you are such an amazing student/worker.

There is also little he wouldn’t do for you. He will of course do small things if you ask like taking you to and from appointments no matter the ungodly hour it is happening and taking you on dates to all the places you are interested in. But he will do so much more if only you ask it of him. For example, if you come to him for help, telling him about some person or group that is hurting you somehow, either directly or through association, and ask him to get rid of them, he will.

Unsure = How much trust do they have in you? What happens if you break it?

V trusts you a great deal, more than most yandere. Even when you make small mistakes he will quickly forgive you and assure you that he understands that you are doing your best and don’t truly mean any harm. If you do something drastic though, that is different. There is what will happen if you try to hurt yourself (See Kidnapping), but if you do something like cheat on him he will be devastated. He will blame himself for the most part, assuming he has failed to provide you with the love and affection you desire and is determined to be better. He will follow you without being too pushy, not quite a stalker but he will reappear in your life every couple of weeks to try to win your heart back. And between each meeting, he would work on improving himself in any way he thinks he is failing you, from physical to social to financial. At times he may even consider leaving you be, letting you go free, but he can’t help but be drawn to you. In the end, he would rather give up on life rather than give up on you.

Vexation = What is the one thing that you could do to piss them off or worry them the most?

V does not really get angry, being levelheaded enough to stay calm and give you and himself some space if he is getting frustrated. As for worrying him, the thing that will unsettle and worry him the most is if you suddenly, without plausible reason, start claiming that you love him and saying overly sweet things. If you were to say ‘I love you’ without complete sincerity he would see it as the complete opposite. You must be upset and/or unhappy in some way. Though he does not want to pry, if you keep forcing words of affection out it will eat away at him until he pleads for you to stop and instead tell him what it is that is driving you to hurt him like this.

Welcome = Let’s say they’re Yandere for you but you’ve not had your first meeting. How do they initiate it?

If you two have not officially met but you have caught V’s eye, he will avoid approaching you due to the belief that he will return to Vergil soon. He does not wish to hurt you by charming you and then disappearing, though that does have a romantic air to it. So perhaps he will allow himself to be seen once or twice if the situation requires. For example, if you are attacked by demons he will jump in to save you, maybe take a moment to let his mysterious and alluring aura seep in before disappearing like a masked hero, never truly known but leaving a sense of mysticism. At least this way, when the being known as V does disappear from this world, he will live on in you to a small extent.

If/when he knows that he can prolong his life, he will search for you right away. He’ll want to keep up his dark, mysterious, romantic aura as much as possible to make a good impression. This includes not giving you all the answers right away, slipping into the shadows and reappearing for the first few meets, and not letting you meet the blabbermouth Griffon or the horrific Nightmare, at least not at first. Shadow you may meet because he trusts her to not ruin the moment and may even add to his allure as he has a powerful jungle cat at his whim.

He has read countless poems and stories of romance, and he will use that to his advantage to make your introduction to him as perfect as possible.

Xeric = What is an innocuous thing you do that hits a nerve in their twisted mind and really turns them on?

Whether it is done casually during a time when you are relaxing and holding each other or if he is in the middle of something and your wandering mind leads you to do it, having you lightly trace the patterns of his tattoos sets his body and heart on fire faster then he is able to ask you why you are doing it. Having your fingers delicately glide along his skin has him twisting, arching, and bending into your touch, trembling slightly as soft gasps that sometimes sound more like moans, slip from his lips.

Yearning = They want you but you are already with someone else. How will they win you over/steal you from your current partner?

V will not even try. He is already hesitant to get close to you with his mission of becoming Vergil again. You being in a happy relationship with another offers him a melancholy peace as he knows that once he is gone you will be taken care of. In this circumstance, he will not even bother looking for a way to extend his life and simply complete the task he was created to do.

Zealot = If everything fails, will they be able to kill their partner? For the most part, no. Even if you fight, run, reject, and abandon him over and over he will never be pushed to kill you. The only circumstance in which he would take your life is if you have been irreparably damaged, physically or mentally. If, because of a demon attack, the cruelty of the world infecting you with an incurable disease, or you have lost your mind, if your life is nothing but suffering, he will mercy kill you. And he would follow you soon after, to be able to hold you in the afterlife and watch you be free of this pain.

#devil may cry imagine #devil may cry x reader #v x reader #devil may cry #yandere v #v dmc #v devil may cry #yandere v dmc #yandere #yandere male #soft yandere #male yandere #yandere devil may cry #dmc v x reader

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the-violet-galaxy · 3 months ago

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Moon in the Killswap AU, to go along with Sun! This Swap AU explores TSAMS if Sun had been the one with the killcode – and by extension, Moon is the one Eclipse manifests inside of.

The twins’ backstory is almost the same as canon. Moon was born with no control over the body, and was angry and lashed out at Sun for this (and was an asshole to pretty much everyone else when he did have control.) Sun was afraid of him, but still tried to reach out. They came to an understanding, became brothers, and found a way to separate.

Where the backstory differed is with Sun. His killcode was like a switch that activated when he was pushed to a limit, reacting to abuse, mistreatment, the breaking of rules. Moon’s abuse was one of the things that could trigger Sun’s killcode, which emotionally destroyed Sun every time he came back to himself to find someone dead by his hands; during these early years, Moon was so bitter about his circumstances that he sometimes egged Sun on and mocked him for his efforts to not kill people.

But eventually, he knew Sun was not to blame, and wanted to change for the better. He wanted to help Sun suppress his Killcode. So, he separated them, so they could start a new chapter in their lives.

But Sun considered himself too weak to ever fully control his killcode – so while they were in the process of separating, he secretly snuck it through the datastream into Moon’s head, who he thought would never be affected by it.

And Eclipse manifested inside of Moon, who was “Sun” trapped alone within the mind of his abuser…

And a year later Eclipse shows up and begins his crusade to ruin the brothers’ lives and to find the Star to bring order to the world! While inside Moon, he starts amplifying Moon’s faults. He eggs on his abusive behavior towards Sun, his assholish behavior to others, and, one of Moon’s biggest struggles: his controlling nature.

Because these are all faults that Moon has, and Eclipse shines an especially strong light on them. This causes tension between the brothers as they try to figure out what to do, when Eclipse keeps hijacking Moon’s body in search of that Star.

(Especially when Sun’s killcode starts regenerating, and as with before, when Moon is abusive towards Sun, that is one of the big triggers to make the killcode’s influence stronger and stronger until Killcode as a sapient entity is strong enough to be born. For Sun’s arc, the killcode is like a metaphor for “taking revenge and hurting the people who hurt you back,” which Sun desperately wants to fight against.)

And so, one of the big parts of the AU is Moon having to learn to be a better person – to keep changing for the better -- to unlearn his abusive patterns. That will be the key.

Because one thing’s for sure: Sun is the most important person in Moon’s world. Even during the times when he hurts him, he still loves him more than anything. He vows he WILL protect Sun (and the rest of his family that come later), he will keep Eclipse from the Star so he can’t use it to kill them, he will save Sun when Solar is implanted in his head (and later, protect Solar when he is their brother), he will find a way to remove Sun’s killcode when it regenerates and becomes sentient.

(But it won’t be that easy. And, well, when things keep NOT going his way, Moon might end up with a very unhappy arc that ends in disastrous consequences the way it did for Sun when Sun killed Bloodmoon…)

And that’s an overview for Moon!

Some other notes:

Moon has very little knowledge of Magig. Sun is the master magic user.

Moon is the one who suffered July 16 because of the Blacksun Burn Twins, and boy is he mad at them.

Roxanne replaces Monty and is Sun’s close friend. Whether there is a crush or not, Moon still teases Sun about having a crush on Roxanne.

It’ll be fun to write how Moon interacts differently with Solar and Killcode when they control Sun’s body. (He first realizes Solar is in there when Solar isn’t good at acting happy and jittery like Sun.) (But he haaaaates Killcode’s guts sososo much you guys.)

(It will also shine a light on Killswap Moon’s difference between Old Moon and New Moon from TSAMS canon.)

That’s him! I should probably draw Eclipse next!

#The Sun and Moon Show #Sun and Moon Show #TSAMS Moon #Sams Moon #TSAMS AU #TSAMS Killswap AU #Note the golden eyes for both Sun and Moon - that's what differentiates them in this AU from my other incarnations of them #Moon's eyes also - one has a red pupil and one has a red eyeball #violet galaxy art

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moonmeg · 1 year ago

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Layout for next comic done, head empty only Breeil scenario once again - this time not in comic form!

TW// body insecurity (negativity), implied eating disorder

"Bree, what's the matter?"

"Look at me!", she freed herself from his arms, "Look at my chest, my arms, my legs, my stomach! How can ye think I'm pretty when I'm not as thin as I used to be?! How can ye love me when I look like this?!"

Neil stared at her. He didn't understand what she meant, where this was coming from. He never gave her reason to doubt his adoration for her - so he thought at least. Breena kept avoiding his eyes and quickly turned her back to him, hiding herself and her body from the man she loved. The thought that he will leave her now that her body is so different tortured her. She didn't want him to leave. Neil was the best thing to happen to her...

"Bree, you are beautiful to me. And I mean that wi' all my heart. A few additional pounds willna change that. Especially not because that's more than natural in yer circumstances."

"My circumstances?", she turned her head in his direction slightly.

"Aye, yer pregnancy. Ye're growing a person inside o' ya, love. Of course yer body is changing."

He slowly closed the gap between them and gently brushed a red curl out of her face. He examined her face and noticed her quivering lip and her still avoiding eyes becoming glassy. It's rare he saw his wife so upset and vulnerable. He knew a pregnancy had its impact on the becoming mother's emotionality but something told him there was more to Breena's feelings.

"I'm just wondering, where ye get the idea from that I only love ye when ye're thin? Did I make ye feel like that?", he traced his thumb down her cheek. His voice calm and soft.

"It's not you."

...

"Was it them?"

She closed her eyes and the longer she thought about "them" the more her brows furrowed above her red-brown lashes. "Them" referred to the people that Breena was raised by. She didn't think they were worth the title of "parents". Parents are loving, they're caring and they'd never cause their child to run away from home with 16 because it's become unbearable to live with them. To Breena those two people she had to live with were but merely her creators. That was also what she referred to them as whenever they still influenced her life... like now.

"Titan...", Neil sighed, knowing that he found the reason behind his wife's behavior. Breena's creators barely were a topic in their conversations or a part of their life but whenever they did come up, it was never in good context. "What did they tell you?"

She glanced at her husband. It wasn't long but Neil was happy she had met his eyes finally even if just for a second. It meant she was willing to open up about it to him and she was building up strength to reopen a part from that chapter of her life that she actually long had closed and desperately wanted to seal and lock away. It was hard for her. He knew that.

Caressing his palms over her arms until he reached her hands and curling his fingers around them, he let her take her time. His thumb carefully ran across her knuckles - back and forth. It was his way of reassuring her. He's here. He's listening. She has all his attention. She's not alone.

Breena squeezed his hand as she took a breath. She hated that she troubled him with her problems of the past. She learned to keep her frustration to herself and in fear of bothering people dear to her never let them out. Communication never worked in her home, why should it work outside of it? Of course, Breena never would've bothered her friends nor is she bothering Neil or her newly found family-in-law with her feelings. But unfortunately old habits break hard.

"Ever since I was a lass, no older than 6, I was told that my appearance is the most important thing I have to offer. If I'm not pretty and a certain weight, I dinna deserve affection or... love. Nobody wants me if I'm not thin. Nobody would think me worthy. If I'm not in the image of my creators, I'll be lonely til my last days. So I...", she paused, taking a shaky breath, "...I always tried to fit in that expectation. Whenever I didna fit it, I was called worthless, ugly and denied food. Whenever I did fit, I was praised... at least one thing I did right."

"Oh, mo gaol...", Neil whispered, "I'm so sorry."

He squeezes her trembling hand tightly. That was the reason behind her eating habits, he finally figured. She barely ate, only small portions if any at all, and his mother and himself were always trying to get her to eat more but without much success. With the pregnancy she had started eating more at last but she always felt bad afterwards and apologized for eating so much and would deny herself food "to make up for it". He had theorized there was a reason to it but he never wanted to push her to talk about it.

"They're so wrong.", he cupped her face and leaned his forehead on hers, "Ye're worthy of love no matter what yer body looks like and no matter what ye weigh. I love you regardless. I always will."

"Ye will?", she hicced.

"Aye. I asked ye to marry me because I dinna want to live a life wi'out ye. Bree, ye are so much more than yer looks. I'm sorry yer creators told you such terrible lies and treated ye so horribly. I only wish we had met sooner so that I could've proven them wrong and given you the love and affection that ye deserve earlier."

Breena sniffed as his thumbs caught her tears. She buried her face in his palm and gave her emotions uncontrolled freedom. Sobbing she threw herself onto her husband's chest, clenching his shirt. Instinctively, Neil wrapped his arms around her back, securing her in that position.

"Neil, I-"

"Shh. There's nothing more for you to say.", he turned his face to press a kiss to her temple. He held her for a while, let her cry, comforted her by brushing through her curls. "I can only imagine how difficult it must've been for ye and how difficult it still is but... if I may, and if ye want to, I will do everything in my power to help ye heal. I'm here."

She pulled away from his chest to look at him. Cracking a smile she was the one to cup his face now. "I am so lucky and thankful to have ye."

"Aye.", he smiled back adoringly, "And I'm afraid ye're stuck wi' me 'until death do us part'."

Breena chuckled at him quoting their vows. She brushed a brown lock behind his ear before she met his golden eyes once again, gazing at her as if she was a deity and the only thing he cared about. She never knew what love really felt like but when Neil was with her, looking at her, wrapping her tightly in his arms, kissing her and smiling at her, she was sure to have found it. And she was willing to allow him to help her actually heal and actually, at last, close the chapter of her past.

"I can live wi' that."

#breena bower #neil bower #toh ocs #tdaac #not main story related #tw: body insecurity #tw: eating disorder

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cosmic-ghost-hermit · 10 months ago

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Take what resonates and leave behind what doesn't. Be open to new perspectives! 🖤🩶🤍

PILE 1

Crystal: Crocodile Jasper

Astrology: Cancer♋️, Capricorn♑️, Virgo♍️, Leo♌️

This reading makes me so upset. Mostly because I have been in a situation similar to this before. You are so hardworking and good at everything you do. The catch is everyone where you are making money is using your power and abusing your generosity. You are basically holding up the building while everyone else slacks off and dumps their work on you. Set up some boundaries and do not allow them to walk all over you this way. It does look like if you set this boundary with them it will cause those who you are helping to lash out at you. Do not be discouraged by this. Contact HR or your supervisor and request a fair working environment. You are not getting paid enough to do all that work. Either demand fair payment or ask that the extra work you took on be redistributed to your team. You should not have to work yourself to death for people who are unwilling to return your generosity.

💖🐙🌸🌷🍚🎹🛁🌺🍉🍣🎟️🩰🐭🏩🎀🏳️‍⚧️🧠🥚👛

PILE 2

Crystal: Moss Agate

Astrology: Sagittarius♐️, Aquarius♒️, Scorpio♏️, Libra♎️

You have a wonderful new opportunity coming pile 2! Have no fear and surge forward in this opportunity. It is in your chosen field! If it isn’t in your field then it will lead you to something in your field. Start planning now! The people you will be working with are amazing and just the right flavor for you. There is an energy of independence in this reading though. It doesn’t seem extremely prominent but just in case I’ll mention it. Do not let yourself fall into hyper independence. It could alienate you from this amazing opportunity. It is gonna be so exciting. You could be traveling in this career and seeing a BUNCH of new environments. Be open to this new opportunity and take the leap.

🧡🍊🍻🏆🥇🦁🎵🏀☄️🦞⛺️🌇🥧🔝🥮🍔🥐⚡️🌾🦊🧶🥵

PILE 3

Crystal: Dragon Stone

Astrology: Gemini♊️, Aries♈️, Taurus♉️, Pisces♓️

This reading shows me a very understandable circumstance. You are at a roadblock in the form of a decision. You work in a family business or a field you have been dedicated to but has been extremely draining and unfruitful. The decision is based upon if you want to continue in your current situation or make your own path. A warning that if you stay in your current job it will go absolutely nowhere. You will not be moved to a higher position. You will not be given any compensation for how much time and love you have put into this career. You will not enjoy continuing this work. This could also be a field you are going to school for. Maybe some family encouraged you to get into this field because everyone in your family has gone into this field. My advice is to carve your own path and discover what truly fills you with passion. That path will be more rewarding and more fun. Abundance will fill your pockets and your heart if you choose what is best for you.

💚🌳🐛🌻🍏🥬🔋♻️🫒💲🫛🏝️🦖👒🦜🥗🥑🌍🇧🇷

EDIT: i know it says readind now, my partner pointed it out. dont worry about it. i have dyslexia :3

#tarot reading #pick a pile #moss agate #dragon stone #kambaba jasper #astrology #tarot #tarot pick a card #crystals #pick a crystal #money reading #career reading

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skepticalcatfrog · 6 months ago

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Eyes, Look Your Last: Benedikt Montagov's Struggle with Life, Death, and Grief

(Word Count: 3,072)

((Tagging @thebenediktmontagov because I know you've been waiting for this one))

~~~

Throughout the Secret Shanghai series, life and death are obviously major themes, especially in the first two books. After all, Romeo and Juliet is very famously a tragedy. But in my humble opinion, there are few characters in these books who represent life, death, and the journey through grief better than Benedikt Montagov. He goes through a very traceable arc regarding this subject over the course of specifically Our Violent Ends; that book and that storyline are what we’re going to be looking at in this analysis.

Let’s start with the beginning of the book, Chapter 2 in particular, which is the earliest point that we see Benedikt. At this point, given that the book covers the span of a few months, it hasn’t been very long since Marshall’s assumed death. The wound is still very fresh, especially for Benedikt, as is made evident in this description of him (the first one we see in the book): “Benedikt Montagov was a wholly different person these days, all gloom and dark frowns. He may not have been the happiest person a few months ago, either, but he lacked a certain light in his eyes now that made him seem like a complete marionette, moving through the world at command. Mourning periods in this city were often short affairs. They came in rapid succession, like cinema showings ushered in and out of the theater to make room for the new. Benedikt was not only in mourning. He was half-dead himself,” (Our Violent Ends, Chapter 2). As stated there, Benedikt was never the happiest or most energetic person. And yet, the loss of Marshall has still caused such a serious dive in his mood and behavior that it’s extremely evident to the people around him. This excerpt uses very effective descriptive language, specifically referring to Benedikt as a “marionette”. This creates an immediate mental image in the mind of the reader of someone who is essentially being dragged through the world, not by their own will, but simply because they are being made to go on. In addition to this, the sheer lifeless quality of a marionette emphasizes just how much of a shell of himself Benedikt has become.

Not only does this change in personality have an impact on him, it also affects the people around him. Primarily, we see this within the same chapter from which I pulled the previous quote. A good example is this interaction between Roma and Alisa: “His frustrated insult was drowned out by the slam of the front door. Silence. “I just wanted to cheer him up,” Alisa said quietly. Roma sighed. “I know. It’s not your fault. He’s… having some difficulties.” “Because Marshall is dead,”” (Our Violent Ends, Chapter 2). Just before this exchange, Benedikt is shown being rather callous to both Roma and Alisa, two people who he cares very much about. They both understand that this behavior is not any fault of their own, but that doesn’t stop them from feeling hurt by it. Of course, this can’t be entirely attributed to Benedikt either; he is acting irrationally, and drastically out of character, because he isn’t able to properly cope with what has happened. He isn’t necessarily doing it intentionally, he’s simply lashing out because the anger and sadness that he feels has nowhere else to go. Benedikt is responsible for his own actions, but his loved ones also understand that he wouldn’t normally behave this way; these are unusual circumstances.

A few chapters later, in the first section in the book where we are given Benedikt’s perspective, we learn more about what he’s been dealing with while not around other people. If anger is the primary emotion he expresses in his interactions with others, sadness is much more in the foreground when he is alone. The narration in Chapter 5 describes a specific event that took place while he was home alone in the apartment he and Marshall previously shared: “One day he had been operating in numbness, shoving aside the art supplies abandoned on the floor and going through each step of his routine with hardly any trouble. The next moment, he entered the kitchen and could not stop staring at the stovetop. The water started boiling and still he could not look away, until he merely crumpled to the floor, sobbing into his hands as the water evaporated into nothingness,” (Our Violent Ends, Chapter 5). He is so severely affected by the loss of Marshall that he can barely enter the kitchen without being brought to debilitating tears by the reminder of Marshall’s absence. In fact, he is almost unable to eat at all anymore. His own home no longer feels safe and comfortable to him, instead it has become full of painful memories. He no longer has anywhere to go where he can feel at peace, because he is no longer capable of feeling peaceful.

And yet, he remains very hesitant to express any of his sadness to the people close to him. Rather than at any point allowing himself to be comforted, or ever showing an ounce of vulnerability, he conceals that entire portion of his feelings with much sharper edges. He uses anger and violence to hide any part of his grieving that he doesn’t want others to see. Juliette states in the very first chapter of the book that members of the Scarlet Gang have been killed, with a clear motive of avenging Marshall’s death: “She already knew that, of course, from the reports that came back to her about dead gangsters with Korean characters slashed in blood beside them,” (Our Violent Ends, Chapter 1). At the time of this quote, she is speaking about the changes she has noticed in Roma’s behavior. However, later on in the book it is actually implied that Benedikt was responsible for many of these killings when he says that he “...slaughtered Scarlets in [Marshall’s] name,” (Our Violent Ends, Chapter 25). In the privacy of his own home, he expresses his grief through immense sadness. What he feels is more appropriate to bring into the view of others, though, is not sorrow, but gruesome violence. He is unwilling to show any vulnerability, even to those he trusts.

Later on in Chapter 5, we also see another new aspect of Benedikt’s mourning that continues through the rest of the book: his near complete loss of concern for his own life. This first appears here, as he enters a conflict with a large group of Scarlets: “The smarter move would have been to run when he was vastly outnumbered, but he cared little. He had no reason to care, to live—” (Our Violent Ends, Chapter 5). He is behaving recklessly because he feels that, with the death of Marshall, he has lost all reason to continue to live. This can be brought back to the metaphor of the marionette from earlier, in that he no longer cares to continue to exist, even though he still does. He is still alive only because no one has killed him yet; if someone were to try to, he suggests that he would put up no fight. But this is contested just a few sentences later, when he actually has a gun to his head: “No, he thought suddenly, his eyes squeezing shut. Wait, I didn't actually want to die, not yet, not really…” (Our Violent Ends, Chapter 5). Once he is actually faced with his own death in a real way, he becomes frightened. He isn’t truly apathetic towards his life, he has only convinced himself that he is. The truth of the matter is that he does still have things to live for. The hopelessness that has consumed him isn’t final, and this is the first hint that we as readers see of his capacity to change again.

This is not the end of his ruminations on death, though. Another notable instance is during the fight with the Scarlets after they set the fire, when Benedikt enters the fray despite Roma discouraging him from doing so. When he ends up in a life-threatening position, his thoughts stray to the death of his mother: “He knew that after she was killed—an accidental casualty of a shoot-out—they had burned her body right in an alleyway until only charred smithereens remained. Maybe this was the way he would join her. The Scarlets would kill him, then throw him right into the raging fire—ashes to ashes, dust to dust,” (Our Violent Ends, Chapter 19). He has once again started to think about how and when his own death might occur, something we don’t really see at all prior to Marshall’s death. Here he also compares the possibility of his own death to the death of his mother, emphasizing the cyclic nature of the death that Benedikt has been faced with in his life.

Benedikt’s blatant disregard for himself and his life are also displayed in a different way later on. The first time we see it, he is boldly declaring that he has no reason to live. In the later instance, which takes place in Chapter 20 of the book, this is what is described: “With a ragged inhale, Benedikt yanked a new jacket out of his wardrobe and tugged it on, hardly bothering to go easy on his throbbing shoulder. What was the point? What was one more point of pain against the whole smorgasbord? He was a damn walking collection point for grievances and grief,” (Our Violent Ends, Chapter 20). Here, he isn’t outright saying that he wants to be dead, but he still acts carelessly with himself. He doesn’t care about causing himself pain, because he sees any effort to prevent it as futile. He believes that it doesn’t matter if something causes him pain or not, since either way, he is still experiencing pain from other sources. What he’s essentially saying here is that one more bit of hurt added to the pile won’t make any difference. We as the audience know that he isn’t correct, and that he really is just making things worse, but he himself doesn’t realize that yet - or care enough to consider it.

In addition to Benedikt’s apathy towards keeping himself alive, there are also more examples of his recklessness with the lives of others. There is the instance mentioned above, where it is suggested that he goes on a spree of revenge killings, but we also get a more specific line from Juliette that illustrates this much more clearly: “Benedikt was not like Roma. He had no hesitation with her life,” (Our Violent Ends, Chapter 24). Juliette knows that, even though Roma is in mourning as well, he has no true desire to kill her. In this moment, though, as Benedikt points a gun at her, she recognizes the danger she is actually in. Benedikt’s primary motivation throughout the majority of Our Violent Ends is to get revenge, specifically on Juliette. He makes it very clear multiple times that he wants her dead, whether Roma does it or not. This is a pivotal scene for Benedikt. As Juliette mentions, he would have had no hesitation in killing her. If he had actually gone through with it, he likely would’ve effectively ruined his own life. Not only would he have experienced the same rage from Roma that he himself had previously directed at Juliette, he also probably would have never found out that Marshall was alive (at least not for a much longer time, if at all), and it’s entirely possible that he would’ve continued spiraling into a life entirely made up of violence. Frankly, he is lucky that Juliette was able to stop him when she did; her quick thinking - and knowledge that she couldn’t keep her secret any longer - was the beginning of his climb back up from rock bottom. If you imagine his descent into darkness as a V-shaped line, this moment is the vertex: the only way left to go is up.

That scene is a major turning point in Benedikt’s character arc, but the first true change happens in the next chapter, when he is first able to see Marshall again: “He had expected to explode outward, to at last rid the darkness in his chest by seeking revenge and directing a very sharp object at Juliette. Instead, the darkness had turned to light, and now he was an overwrought light bulb, close to implosion when the vacuum space inside shattered,” (Our Violent Ends, Chapter 25). This excerpt is indicative of a very abrupt change for Benedikt. While before he was overcome with anger, sadness, and a desire for revenge, all of that has suddenly vanished. The language used here makes it seem almost brutal, like the extreme emotional shift he’s experiencing is too overwhelming to process. In an instant, the entire purpose he’s created for himself over the past few months has become completely pointless. For a brief moment, he feels lost, because the one thing that still drove him to keep going has totally disappeared. But, similarly to how one adjusts to cold water after being unexpectedly thrown in, he quickly realizes that his original reason to live has miraculously returned. As it describes in the quote above (and references the very first one I used, which mentions the “light in his eyes” that has disappeared), the darkness that had overtaken him is gone, and that original light is back. To return to the comparison of the V-shaped line, this part would be the very top of the line.

From this point on, Benedikt’s improved mood continues. There are moments where it wavers, of course, but he is generally much more hopeful for the remainder of the book. We can also see another parallel here to the beginning of the book, exemplified by this dialogue between Benedikt and Roma: ““You look better today,” Roma remarked, starting in the direction of headquarters. “Are you getting more sleep?” “Yes,” Benedikt replied plainly. And mere hours ago, I found out that Marshall is still alive. He wanted to say it aloud. He wanted to scream it from the rooftops and declare it to the whole world, so that the world could end its mourning with him,” (Our Violent Ends, Chapter 26). At the beginning of this essay, I mentioned the fact that Benedikt’s downward shift in mood and behavior is very noticeable to the people around him. This also applies here. Benedikt mentions that it has only been hours since he found out Marshall was alive, and yet Roma already notices a distinct change in not only his mood, but presumably his physical appearance as well. Roma attributes it to getting more sleep, but the truth is that simply having the knowledge that Marshall is alive has improved Benedikt’s mental state so much that it has caused a physical change. His period of mourning, which was said to have seemed permanent, is officially over.

At this point, Benedikt’s arc in the story (at least in relation to grief and death) is pretty much over. He has gone through all of the development that he can, and has reached the light at the end of the tunnel. Still, there is one very important full-circle moment later on that I want to include, just to bring the point home. Near the end of the book, Roma is made to believe that Juliette has died - as is expected of a Romeo and Juliet retelling. Roma instantly falls into a downward spiral in which he wants to either get revenge for Juliette’s death, or die with her. Given that you’ve presumably read the rest of my analysis up to this point, this should sound familiar, and Benedikt thinks so too: “The strangest thing was that Benedikt recognized himself in [Roma’s] expression, recognized that same twisted sense of rage that showed itself in recklessness. Is that what I looked like?” (Our Violent Ends, Chapter 39). Benedikt no longer feels what Roma is feeling, but he’s now being faced with a mirror image of exactly what he was like when he did. The only difference is that now, Benedikt can see that version of himself through a much more hopeful lens. For the entire duration of Roma’s panic following Juliette’s supposed death, Benedikt remains steadfast in his insistence that everything is going to be alright. He reminds Roma that Marshall came back even after Benedikt thought he had died, and when Juliette comes back as well, he says this: ““Look,” Benedikt said faintly, hardly hearing his own words as they slipped out. “You got your resurrection too,”” (Our Violent Ends, Chapter 39). Benedikt has come so far since the beginning of the book that he is able to believe that the impossible - someone being brought back from the dead - can happen not once, but twice. And yes, neither Marshall nor Juliette were ever actually dead, but the point still stands: who would ever have assumed that she would use the same trick twice? Roma becomes despondent at the news of Juliette’s death, because he assumes it must be true. But Benedikt, who is presented within the book as perhaps being more inclined towards pessimism and hopelessness than Roma ever was, believes Juliette can still come back. And his newfound hope pays off. This single moment is possibly the best representation of Benedikt’s development that I could’ve asked for.

Benedikt Montagov is an extremely complex character, and I honestly feel like I could go on about him forever. If it weren’t for the amount of text that I expect people to want to read, maybe I would. But the most important thing I want people to take away from this entire analysis is just how well written Benedikt is as a character. His story, throughout not only Our Violent Ends but both books, is one that sticks in your head after you’ve read it. This entire aspect of his character was clearly crafted with a lot of care, and I felt that I needed to write this because I wanted to put emphasis on the parts of it that I don’t see discussed very often. If you’ve read this far, I really hope you enjoyed it, and that maybe it made you think about something you hadn’t considered before. I’m sure this won’t be the end of my ramblings about Benedikt, but for now, that’s all I have to say. Thank you for reading.

#guys they're real the coherent thoughts about benedikt montagov are real #the coherent thoughts only spoken of in myth #also i know the quote used in the title is actually from romeo but it sounded good so i used it #these violent delights #our violent ends #foul lady fortune #last violent call #foul heart huntsman #secret shanghai #chloe gong #benedikt montagov #marshall seo #benmars #roma montagov #juliette cai #alisa montagova #forgive me if there are any mistakes in here 🙏🙏🙏

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