#the writers were literally ​ahead by a half-century for this

[ssmhhh]

I just think it’s funny how—

[maniculum]

Medieval Scorpions Effortpost

So yesterday I reblogged this post featuring an 11th-century depiction of the Apocalypse Locusts from Revelations, noting the following incongruity as another medieval scorpion issue:

The artist, as you can see, has interpreted "tails like scorpions" as meaning "glue cheerful-looking snakes to their butts".

Anyway, it occurred to me that the medieval scorpion thing might not be as widely known as I think it is, and that Tumblr would probably enjoy knowing about it if it isn't known already. So, finding myself unable to focus on the research I'm supposed to be doing, I decided to write about this instead. I'll just go ahead and put a cut here.

As we can see in the image above, at least one artist out there thought a "scorpion" was a type of snake. Which makes it difficult to draw "tails like scorpions", because a snake's tail is not that distinctive or menacing (maybe rattlesnakes, but they don't have those outside the Americas). So they interpreted "tails like scorpions" as "the tail looks like a whole snake complete with head".

Let me tell you. This is not a problem unique to this illustration.

See, people throughout medieval Europe were aware of scorpions. As just alluded to, they are mentioned in the Bible, and if the people producing manuscripts in medieval Europe knew one thing, it was Stuff In Bible. They're also in the Zodiac, which medieval Europe had inherited through classical sources. However, let's take a look at this map:

That's Wikipedia's map of the native range of the Scorpiones order, i.e., all scorpion species. You may notice something -- the range just stops at a certain northern latitude. Pretty much all of northern Europe is scorpion-free. If you lived in the north half of Europe, odds were good you had never seen a scorpion in your life. But if you were literate or educated at all, or you knew they were a thing, because you'd almost certainly run across them being mentioned in texts from farther south. And those texts wouldn't bother to explain what a scorpion was, of course -- everyone knows scorpions, right? When was the last time you stopped to explain What Is Spiders?

So medieval writers and artists in northern Europe were kind of stuck. There was all this scorpion imagery and metaphor in the texts they liked to work from, but they didn't really know what a scorpion was. Writers could kind of work around it (there's a lot of "oh, it's a venomous creature, moving on"), but sometimes they felt the need to break it down better. For this, of course, they'd have to refer to a bestiary -- but due to Bestiary Telephone and the persistent need of bestiary authors to turn animals into allegories, one of the only visual details you got on scorpions was that they... had a beautiful face, which they used to distract people in order to sting them.

And look. I'm not here to yuck anyone's yum, but I would say that a scorpion's face has significant aesthetic appeal only for a fairly small segment of the population. I'm sure you could get an entomologist to rhapsodize about it a bit, but your average person on the street will not be entranced by the face of a scorpion. So this did not help the medieval Europeans in figuring out how to depict scorpions. There was also some semantic confusion -- see, in some languages (such as Old and Middle English), "worm" could be a general term for very small animals of any kind. But it also could mean "serpent".* So there were some, like our artist at the top of the post, who were pretty sure a scorpion was a snake. This was probably helped along by the fact that "venomous" was one of the only things everyone knew about them, and hey, snakes are venomous. Also, Pliny the Elder had floated the idea that there were scorpions in Africa that could fly, and at least one author (13th-century monk Bartholomaeus Anglicus) therefore suggested that they had feathers. I don't see that last one coming up much, I just share it because it's funny to me.

*English eventually resolved this by borrowing the Latin vermin for very small animals, using the specialized spelling wyrm for big impressive mythical-type serpents, and sticking with the more specific snake for normal serpents.

Some authors, like the anonymous author of the Ancrene Wisse, therefore suggested that a scorpion was a snake with a woman's face and a stinging tail. (Everyone seemed to be on the same page with regards to the fact that the sting was in the tail, which is in fact probably the most recognizable aspect of scorpions, so good job there.) However, while authors could avoid this problem, visual artists could not. And if you were illustrating a bestiary or a calendar, including a scorpion was not optional. So they had to take a shot at what this thing looked like.

And so, after this way-too-long explanation, the thing you're probably here for: inaccurate medieval drawings of scorpions. (There are of course accurate medieval drawings of scorpions, from artists who lived in the southern part of Europe and/or visited places where scorpions lived; I'm just not showing you those.) And if you find yourself wondering, "how sure are you that that's meant to be a scorpion?" -- all of these are either from bestiaries or from calendars that include zodiac illustrations.

11th-century England, MS Arundel 60. (Be honest, without the rest of this post, if I had asked you to guess what animal this was supposed to be, would you have ever guessed “scorpion”?)

12th-century Germany, "Psalter of Henry the Lion". (Looks a bit undercooked. Kind of fetal.)

12th-century France, Peter Lombard's Sententiae. (Very colorful, itsy bitsy claws, what is happening with that tail?)

12th-century England, "The Shaftesbury Psalter". (So a scorpion is some sort of wyvern with a face like a duck, correct?)

13th-century France, Thomas de Cantimpré's Liber de natura rerum. (I’d give them credit for the silhouette not being that far off, but there’s a certain bestiary style where all the animals kind of look like that. Also note how few of these have claws.)

13th-century England, "The Bodley Bestiary". (Mischievous flying squirrel impales local man’s hand, local man fails to notice.)

13th-century England, Harley MS 3244. (A scorpion is definitely either a mouse or a fish. Either way it has six legs.)

13th-century England, Harley MS 3244. (Wait, no, it’s a baby theropod, and it has two legs. (Yes, this is the same manuscript, that’s not an error, this artist did four scorpions and no two are the same.))

13th-century England, Harley MS 3244. (Actually it’s a lizard with tiny ears and it has four legs.)

13th-century England, Harley MS 3244. (Now that we’re at the big fancy illustration, I think I’ve got it — it’s like that last one, but two legs, longer ears, and a less goofy face. Also I’ve decided it’s not pink anymore, I think that was the main problem.)

13th-century England, MS Kk.4.25. (A scorpion is a flat crocodile with a bear’s head.)

13th-century England, "The Huth Psalter". (Wyvern but baby! Does not seem to be enjoying biting its own tail.)

13th-century England, MS Royal 1 D X. (This triangular-headed gentlecreature gets the award for “closest guess at correct limb configuration”. If two of those were claws, I might actually believe this artist had seen a scorpion before, or at least a picture of one.)

13th-century England, "The Westminster Psalter". (A scorpion is the offspring of a wyvern and a fawn.)

13th-century England, "The Rutland Psalter". (Too many legs! Pull back! Pull back!)

13th or 14th-century France, Bestiaire d'amour rimé. (This is very similar to the fawn-wyvern, but putting it in an actual Scene makes it even more obvious that you’re just guessing.)

14th-century Netherlands, Jacob van Maerlant's Der Naturen Bloeme. (More top-down six-legged guys that look too furry to be arthropods.)

14th-century Germany, MS Additional 22413. (That is clearly a turtle.)

14th-century France, Matfres Eymengau de Beziers's Breviari d'amor. (Who came up with that head shape and what was their deal?)

15th-century England, "Bestiary of Ann Walsh". (Screw it, a scorpion is a big lizard that glares at you for trying to make me draw things I don’t know about.)

I've spent way too much time on this now. End of post, thank you to anyone who got all the way down here.

[always-outlander]

Outlander 7x01 Thoughts & Easter Eggs

Feel free to look below the cut, spoilers ahead!

First episodes are always interesting in that they have so much hype because the fans are starved for new episodes, but they rarely do more than set the table for the rest of the season. A hard thing to juggle and be able to hold peoples attention while also jamming a lot of context clues in there. I think overall this one served its purpose and I felt like it was a wise decision for there to not be a time jump between the last episode of season 6.

That said, we all need to keep in mind the parameters of season 7 going into the rest of the episodes of this first half. The first 4 episodes of season 7 were supposed to be a part of season 6. Then the rest of season 7 was filmed with the creators not knowing if they would be given a season 8, so they jammed 3 books worth of content into it. I don’t know about everyone else, but I certainly felt that pacing and quicker speed in this first episode. With a show and book series which historically takes forever for storylines and payoffs to come to fruition, it’s hard not to feel that change.

Opening scene and “vision” (? Or is it just a thought Jamie has?) of Claire being sentenced was impactful, excellent acting once again by Caitriona. I thought the internal monologue of Jamie knowing she’s not dead was lovely and a smart way to call back their vows. He does so twice in this episode.

Bree & Roger

Bree and Roger are such dweebs and their endless use of puns and 20th century references cracks me up. That said, if they keep it up I’ll get annoyed, sometimes it feels like a cop out for better dialogue and gives the impression that these two never share serious conversations between them. I understand their dynamic is different than Jamie and Claire’s, but there is a fear that the writers are solely using their conversations as the comedic relief points in the show.

Rogers preaching leads him to Indigo Donner (the actor is perfect, he’s a sneaky snake). The fact that Roger may likely have something to do with his escape is the ultimate irony. Especially given the time taken to find the date of the house burning in the future, and that he and Bree came back to try and avoid it.

Claire

Claire’s scenes in the jail cell are great, and the women in the jail were excellent character actors, especially Sadie. When Jamie and Young Ian finally reach the jail we see our first glimpse of vengeful Jamie and while I do sometimes get frustrated with Sam’s use of a furrowed brow, his anger and reactionary body langue is still in line with young Jamie. The continuity of the character has always been impressive to me, right down to his little finger movements and facial twitches.

Claire being a healer in action was so nice to see again, I feel like it’s been a while since she’s been actively healing others. Just like the books, her skills have granted her a literal get out of jail free card.

It may just be me, but I do feel like Claire is now capable of doing some bad things and has a bit more mischief in her eyes in her old age. Jamie is still a hot head willing to break every rule to protect Claire, and her moral compass is the only thing that keeps him in line. But the older she gets, the more Jamie’s willingness to bend the rules is rubbing off on her, and I really love that we don’t always know exactly how Claire is going to react anymore. She’s got a poker face now, and it makes her far more interesting to watch.

Major McDonald on board the ship is from the books but it’s also a great scene to help move the plot along. Governor Martin was a real historical figure and the actor who plays him is another great character actor. Forcing Jamie to gather men for the revolution and pick a side has been the trend of the last 3 seasons so it comes as no surprise that he’s once again being forced to swear loyalties to the crown (and finding a way out of it).

Tom Christie

Mark Lewis Jones as Tom Christie is a wonderful casting. He’s such a strong actor and his portrayal of Tom’s (very unfortunate) unrequited love is perfectly done. The scene where Tom tells Jamie his plan to free Claire was not shown in the books, just implied. Seeing that conversation was a perfect spot for Sam and Mark to wrap a bow around Tom Christie’s character and his relationship with Jamie. The callback of Jamie’s vow to Claire on their wedding night was also a very sweet bit of added dialogue. There are many moments where the show is able to add scenes and dialogue that seamlessly fit into the story, and this is one of them.

The way in which Tom was willing to lay his life aside for Claire was a beautiful thing. Jamie putting aside his pride to allow it was a big moment for him. I also loved the eulogy moment. Jamie giving Tom the eulogy he would have wanted and deserved was such a perfect way to close out their storyline.

The scene between Claire and Tom had so many lovely call backs to the books, and majority of the dialogue was straight from the text. The scene shed light on Tom’s brother, his wife, and the reasons Tom became the man he did. It also shed light on Malva’s upbringing and how that informed Tom’s shaping of his own motive.

Claire seeing through his lies actually reinforces why he fell in love with her. When he tells her that he loves her my heart broke for him, and for Claire. It’s not like she can do anything to persuade him, and she will never reciprocate. His life for hers is the ultimate sacrifice, and a debt she knows she cannot repay to him. I thought the acting of both Cait and Mark shined brightly in this scene.

Jamie

Jamie and Claire’s second reunion is cute, but this goes back to the timing issue I highlighted above. It feels off with all the abruptly cut scenes. In their first reunion, the two share a kiss and the scene immediately cuts to Jamie standing alone in the cabin with governor Martin. Then the second reunion, they meet on the docks and it immediately cuts to them laying in bed. You mean to tell me this man who just traveled for days and moved mountains to find his wife is given a literal peck of a reunion, then we skip their entire conversation and cut to them in bed hours later? It felt like they removed dialogue for the sake of run time and personally, I’d always prefer small talk with Claire and Jamie and a full two minutes of them staring into each others eyes than any B-Roll.

Third strange pacing and editing choice was when Jamie tells Claire to rest and she’s IMMEDIATELY asleep. It’s not even a minute later and he’s able to sneak out on her. At the very least they could have dimmed the lights and implied it has been an hour or so before he left.

But they redeemed themselves with the last scene between Jamie and Mr. Brown, that was great. Now that Jamie’s older and has greater responsibilities we see less of a fire in him. While his love for Claire is still strong, he’s not as reckless. But this scene shows the viewers that the fire is still very much alive in Jamie, along with his tactical mind. Having Ian go back to the ridge to implement his revenge was a great callback to young Jamie and his strengths. One of the best lines of dialogue in YEARS was:

“I’m also a violent man, any goodness that prevails in me is because of my wife. You tried to take her from me.”

THIS is what I hope we get loads of this season.

I’m optimistic after this first episode. Visually it was stunning as always, there was a lot of acting highlights for numerous characters, and the storyline and dialogue stayed true to the books when it needed to, and added more depth and context when necessary.

[acquariusgb]

9/11 Bill POV

While Hillary was in Washington and Chelsea in New York, Bill was in Australia. Here's an extract from Man of the World by Joe Conason, describing the events from that day.

In Clinton’s suite at the Sheraton Mirage, a luxurious hotel surrounded by palm trees, he turned on the television to see the nightmarish images that would soon become a historic symbol of horror for Americans. Across the bottom of the screen, a crawling ticker listed the names of passengers on the four flights hijacked by the al Qaeda terrorist teams. Suddenly, Clinton saw the name of a friend, someone who had worked with him for years, a man with a family of his own. “Oh my God,” he breathed.

He knew Chelsea was in New York City, visiting a friend before her scheduled departure for England. Now he had to find out exactly where she was and who was with her, but nobody had been able to find her yet. When Hillary finally got through to his room, she pretended to know already that their daughter was safe, hoping to calm him—even though she felt inwardly frantic as her Senate staff continued to try to locate their daughter.

By her own account, Chelsea had been watching television at her friend’s apartment in Union Square when the second plane hit, and quickly tried to call her mother in Washington—but as she spoke with an aide in Hillary’s office, overburdened phone lines went dead. In a panic, she left the apartment and headed downtown, searching desperately for a pay phone to reach Hillary’s Senate office again. She was standing in line at a pay phone, about twelve blocks from the disaster scene, when she heard the deafening roar of the second tower collapsing. She headed back toward Union Square, eventually found her friend, and they walked uptown, like thousands of other New Yorkers. When she found a working phone and reached Hillary, her mother burst into tears of relief.

At Clinton’s office in Harlem, Karen Tramontano and members of the foundation staff were meeting in a conference room with a panoramic southward view when they saw the first plane. Someone came running into the room and suddenly they were watching the catastrophe on television. Tramontano picked up a phone immediately, trying to reach Band in Australia.

With all flights into the United States canceled, the Clinton entourage was stranded in Australia. After talking with Band, Tramontano placed a call to Condoleezza Rice to ask for help. After some wrangling that involved more calls from Band to the Secret Service and to Transportation Secretary Norman Mineta, the Pentagon dispatched a military aircraft to pick them up at Cairns Airport in Port Douglas. “It won’t be very comfortable,” Rice warned, “but it’s the only plane we have available out there right away.”

It wasn’t comfortable at all aboard the C-130 cargo plane and the trip took almost twenty-four hours. There were no seats, there was no food, and at thirty thousand feet, the interior of the plane was cold—very, very cold. They stopped in Guam and switched to a refueling plane, which was no better. Band had tried to scrounge some sweaters and other warm clothing at the hotel, but they were all bone-chilled, starved, and exhausted when the plane finally landed at Stewart Airport, a New York National Guard airbase about fifty miles north of Chappaqua. Almost immediately they departed for Manhattan, where they headed to Union Square.

Despite their ordeal, Clinton was grateful to have gotten home, unlike thousands of Americans left overseas with no way to return until the airports reopened. Among them was Al Gore, who had been in Vienna when the terrorists struck, giving a speech to an Austrian Internet forum.

Evidently the Bush White House was not prepared to provide military transportation for the former vice president, who could find no way to get back except via Gander Airport, a tiny facility in Newfoundland. From there, he and an aide would have to drive southward across the Canadian border.

While seeking help with their predicament, a former Gore aide—who had also worked in the Clinton White House—called the Harlem office. Gore and Clinton had exchanged messages within the first hours after the terrorist attack, but had not spoken yet. Distant as relations between their bosses had become, the staffers remained friendly. When Gore’s aide reached Tramontano, they talked casually about “the crap that’s gone on for far too long” between Gore and Clinton—who literally had not spoken since a bitter two-hour argument about who was to blame for the disastrous outcome of the 2000 election. She suggested that on the long drive down from the Canadian border, Gore might stop in Chappaqua. When Tramontano reached Clinton to discuss the proposed sleepover, she wasn’t surprised by his enthusiasm. That evening around 8 p.m., the former vice president picked up his cell phone to speak with the former president for the first time in many months.

“Why don’t you come down here, and then we’ll fly down together Friday morning?” Clinton asked. An Air Force jet provided by the White House would take them to the capital for the special memorial service on September 14 at the National Cathedral.

Hours after midnight, driving a rented car, Gore arrived at the five-bedroom colonial on Old House Lane. Clinton was waiting for them in the living room, where he had been napping on and off, and got up to greet Gore.

As he climbed the steps to the front porch, the former vice president noticed a refrigerator, sitting where it had been moved while the kitchen was undergoing renovation—a tableau that struck him as more hillbilly Ozarks than chic Westchester. Eyeing the fridge, he cracked, one Southerner to another: “Well, you’ve really come a long way, haven’t you?” At the door, Clinton roared with laughter.

They stayed up almost until dawn, talking mostly about the 9/11 attacks, their own efforts to deal with terrorism, and the murky times ahead. Chelsea met them in the morning at Westchester Airport to fly to Washington. On the flight down, Gore invited the Clintons to join his family after the memorial service for lunch at his home in Arlington, Virginia.

At the cathedral, a century-old Gothic Revival structure on the northern outskirts of the capital, Clinton sat in a front pew alongside President Bush and the other living former presidents, Gerald Ford, Jimmy Carter, and George H. W. Bush. He listened as the president delivered words of compassion for the bereaved and a warning to the enemy. He was speaking out forcefully in support of Bush at every opportunity, starting with his departure from Australia. He had canceled all of his speaking engagements abroad to remain in Manhattan, spending hours at local vigils and especially at the Armory on Park Avenue, where he tried to comfort families whose loved ones were missing and presumed dead.

“They cheered, they wept, they hugged him,” wrote a reporter for London’s Daily Mirror. “All around him, New Yorkers gathered, some to pass on their thanks that he had rushed to their side, others to grab his hand and use him as an emotional crutch. . . . All felt lifted to be in the presence of the man they had looked to for most of the past decade when their country was in its hour of need.”

The Mirror correspondent was not alone in contrasting Clinton’s instinctive leadership with the unsteadiness displayed by his successor in the early hours following the attack, although Bush soon righted himself and took command. America and the world had turned a page, moving beyond the petty controversies that had almost consumed Clinton in the days after he left office. Gaunt, somber, and worried, he and his fellow Americans now found themselves in a very different world.

Not everyone was willing to leave old habits behind, however, especially among Clinton’s most rigid detractors on the right. Even as Bush and congressional leaders prayed for the nation to unite, the habitual haters simply could not resist a fresh opportunity to target him. Nothing mattered more than proving (or at least asserting) that the terrorist attacks of September 11 should be blamed not on the current president, but the one who preceded him. Before long a writer for National Review warned, only half-jokingly: “If we members of the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy don’t get back to our daily routine of obsessive Clinton-bashing, then the terrorists will have won.”

[princip1914]

A few thoughts on writing longfic

I’ve had this post brewing for a while and I figured since today is a Friday I might as well let it out into the wild. 

First off, this is not writing advice. I don’t feel qualified to give writing advice. This is a few observations I’ve made over the course of trying to write something that feels, well, long. Fandom is full of excellent authors writing long chaptered fic, but I don’t see a lot of people talking about how they go about producing such fics. I remember feeling like long fic was really out of reach for me when I started writing again in the summer of 2019 after not writing for years and years and I wanted to talk a bit about how that changed for me. Of course, this post comes with all the caveats that there is no need to ever write long fic if you’re not feeling it. Some of my favorite authors write mostly or only oneshots! But, if you are interested, here’s my lengthy, self indulgent, and entirely personal take on ~the longfic process~ below the cut. 

First, to get this out of the way: long fic is anything that feels long or complicated to you, the author. “I’m working on my long fic” can mean that you’re branching out from microfiction to write something that’s 2k long, or it can mean you’ve got a multi-part 800k epic. There’s no objective measure of if something is “long fic,” Your own personal definitions can also change as you grow in confidence or change your focus as a writer (a little over a year ago when I finished Doubt Thou the Stars are Fire topping out at 31k, that felt very very long to me. Now it feels….still long, but not very very long.) 

Here are a few specific things that helped me write something long. I don’t know if they will be interesting for anyone else, but at the very least writing these down has been a fun way for me to reflect on my own process. 

Practice exercises. Ok, this is going to sound exceedingly obvious, but writing one shots prepares you for writing chaptered fic. Here’s what I mean more specifically: if you know you want to write (as a totally hypothetical example) a chaptered fic set in America in the summer that relies heavily on a nature metaphors, is written out of chronological order, and features a melancholy tone--it helps to write a few one shots like that before you embark on the Big Fic. Just like artists tend to do sketches before starting a big piece, it’s very helpful to write something small that gives you a feel for the ~vibe~ of what you’re trying to do in the long fic. It’s helpful for all the usual reasons--you get to know a specific version of the characters which helps plan out a character driven plot for the long fic--but it’s also helpful because you will learn if the tone and mood of the fic has enough staying power to capture your interest for the long haul. For instance, I have a few unfinished chaptered fics that have a humorous tone. I wish I had done more short humorous fics before starting them, because I would have realized that I don’t currently have the mental stamina to hold up a humorous tone for the length of a chaptered fic (hopefully that will change and I will finish Last Days some time this century!). 

Plan it out ahead of time. I used google sheets for The False and the Fair. I do not think God intended google sheets to be used for fiction, but that was not going to stop me. On a more serious note, I think the best tool for planning fiction is the one you’re the most comfortable with--the notes app in your phone, handwriting, word, google drive, sheets, chalk board, summoning circle, the blood of your enemies, etc. The reason I chose to use sheets is that I knew from the very beginning that I wanted certain things to happen at specific places in the story--for instance, I wanted the first kiss to happen at the end of the first third of the story and I wanted the “reveal” about the mine accident to happen at the end of the second third of the story. But, I didn’t know what was supposed to go in between those elements. A traditional outline for a story at this point in development might have looked like: 

Meet cute

Kiss

Reveal 

Ending 

But, what my brain needed was to preserve the blank spaces in between these story elements, and specifically to preserve the right amount of blank space between these story elements so that it didn’t end up, for instance, that the first kiss was halfway through rather than a third of the way through. In this way, I found google sheets an invaluable tool for pacing in the early parts of the planning process. I simply made 30 rows assuming 30 chapters, and started plugging in the elements I knew I wanted in the locations I wanted them. Then I filled in the blank spaces by asking myself “how do we get from X plot element to Y plot element in Z amount of chapters.” I’m not a mountain climber, but I’ve often thought about the first things that go into the spreadsheet in terms of mountain climbing terminology.  In climbing, a crux move, which can be anywhere along the route, is the most difficult move of the route: if you can’t do it, you can’t do the route. I think of the first things that go into the planning spreadsheet as the crux moves of the story, the most important pieces around which everything else turns. It was not an accident that those were also all the first scenes of the fic that I wrote; if I couldn’t do those scenes, I couldn’t do the story the way I planned it so I wanted to know early on if I needed to make changes.

Make changes if you have to: even though it helps to have things planned in advance, don’t resist the story if it tries to change on you while you’re writing it. Usually the feeling that you have to make changes stems from having a plot that is not entirely character driven. As you write the story, the characters reveal themselves and sometimes the plot has to change to change with the characters’ motivations. Here’s an area where fanfic writers have a leg up on everyone else: if you write fic, you already know the characters really well. That means, (in my experience anyway) it’s less likely that you’ll have a surprise character development which leads to a rethinking of the whole plot. Less likely, but not completely unlikely, unfortunately.

Lie to yourself: The False and the Fair was supposed to be 90k words. I thought that sounded reasonable, a little less than 3x the longest fic I had ever written. Now it's 161k and will probably top out a little over 170k. Ooops. But I never would have set out to write something that long. I wouldn’t have thought I could do it, even though anyone more experienced looking at my plans for the fic probably would have laughed at the idea I could cover all those plot points in 90k. Ignorance is bliss. Protect your ignorance.

Scrivener: Long fic for me means “fic that is long enough you can’t hold all the parts of it in your head at once.” That’s where Scrivener comes in (or another app if you’d rather, but I really like Scrivener for the ability to see the project either linearly or as condensed notecards). You can put together an organizational scaffold in Scrivener that allows you to move back and forth between the forest and the trees. So, for instance, you might be going for a jog and come up with the perfect line of dialogue for chapter 27 when you’re only up to chapter 5 in terms of writing progress. With Scrivener, you can go home, and put that dialogue in the “bucket”/index card/whatever for chapter 27 without compromising your ability to see chapter 5 clearly or muddying up your google doc. You can then use the fact that you’ve started writing bits and pieces of the later chapters in conjunction with the tool of lying to yourself that, actually, you’ve written a lot more of the fic than you realize and that when you get to chapter 27 it won’t be as hard as chapter 5 because you’ve put in the groundwork already. In my experience, this lie turns out to be true about 50% of the time, which is better than 0% of the time.

Digestible mini arcs: The False and the Fair was originally broken up into thirds. I thought it would be 90k and 30k was the longest I had written, so thirds seemed to make sense. Also, 3 is a nice, time honored storytelling number. I think it’s good to give yourself seemingly achievable milestones along the way to completion. These milestones (for me anyway) lined up well with the “crux moments” I’ve described. If you’re someone who likes to write out of order, writing your way to an already written milestone can feel like sailing to an island where you get to rest for a bit from the stormy seas before setting out for the next island in the archipelago.

“It's all part of the process”: I’m categorically incapable of describing things without resorting to running metaphors, and so I apologize in advance, but I am now going to do the insufferable thing of comparing writing a long fic to running a marathon. Here’s the thing with a marathon. You are not going to feel good every step of the way. We all know this. It’s a marathon, it’s supposed to hurt a little bit, especially at the end. In the same way you literally cannot write something novel length or even novella or long short story length without, at least at some point, feeling bad about yourself and your writing. But you also can’t run a marathon if the whole thing is agony, and for most people, it’s not--your meat sack shuffling along the course is subjected to the slings and arrows of all sorts of weird body chemistry that only happens when you push it to its limits. So, you’ll be in agony and then the endorphins will kick in for a while and you’ll be thinking “this isn’t nearly as bad as everyone said,” and then you’ll drink some water at a rest stop and feel like a God for half a mile before you crash and you’re in agony again until that one perfect song comes up on the playlist...and you get the idea. Writing something long, for me at least, is a bit like that. There are massive ups and downs. The key for me is to just understand it’s all part of the process, a necessary step on the way to the finish line. If the fic is 10 chapters long, at some point you have to write chapter 5. Just like you have to write chapter 5, at some point you also have to go through a bit of despair before reaching the end. It is unfortunately non-optional. In fact, despairing is something you can check off your list each time you’ve done it. Cut dialogue tags, check. Feel awful about my writing for thirty minutes, check. Write ending section, check. Often I feel that the stress and shame and fear that come with bad emotions while writing are worse than the bad emotions themselves. It really helps me to remember these emotions are all part of the process and nothing to worry about. If I didn’t have them, then I would worry! 

I certainly have plenty more to say about writing, but this ramble has gone on long enough. If you’re interested in any of this stuff, please feel free to send me an ask. 

I would also love to know more about everyone else’s writing processes, so feel free to pop into my ask box to talk about your own approach too! I am very interested in this stuff! 

[ins0mnia-an0nym0us-au]

my thoughts on The Umbrella Academy S2 [spoilers ahead]

so putting all my thoughts down was really hard. i decided to do it per character instead of like per appearance/episode - sorry if this is kinda hard to follow. this is also VERY LONG... hence the keep reading but here is a small taste -

he really overestimates his ability to time-travel

she told those men that she blew their mind + their heads literally blew up - mine about did too

FIVE

he really overestimates his ability to time-travel

k - he really needs to learn to TALK to his siblings more

but also he needs to work on his talking skills...

seeing five just mass murder people is highly amusing because he’s in the body of a 13yr old

also but how soft five was with vanya - i cry

i wanted a mention of dolores but alas only klaus remembered

though i did enjoy the continued coffee obsession - even if it was subtle

ALLISON

she told those men that she blew those their mind + their heads literally blew up - mine about did too

the second she walked into that diner - i was pAniCKing

the way those women were READY to throw down when allison ran into their shop - we stan them all (one of them was wielding a piping hot curling iron)

her husband ray is the sweetest of men + just what she needed before having to go back to twentieth century/glamour

i really liked the way they showed the consequences of allison using her powers - how she quickly slips back into bad habits. how it makes her into someone she doesn’t like

i’m really glad they didn’t forget claire - i was gonna be mad if she wasn’t mentioned

LUTHER

i stan luther hargreeves + i run the luther hargreeves protection squad cuz all of you are meanies who like to blame him for everything when in reality the real problem is their father

controversial opinion that i will be making a much larger post on but i ship allison x luther - they aren’t biologically related, they were only raised as siblings, there is 0% wrong with them falling in love

luther didn’t bother me in s1 like he did all y’all but that’s cause i’m mature enough to realize all of the siblings are fucked up - so the fact they made him more likeable this season is so nice. maybe ya’ll will take a chill pill on your luther hate-train

it was very interesting seeing luther so apathetic for the first bit of the season, when he had such a hero-complex last season

listen his talk with vanya in the barn was amazing - some people might be upset about the gun but the last time any of them saw her she had just blown up the fucking moon mkay?

he apologized for failing as a brother

for not being there

and he even said he didn’t care if vanya was bullshitting him

last thing - luther underestimating his self-importance now because of how he overestimated his self-importance in s1. i love that psychological circle

DIEGO

him being in the nuthouse makes perfect sense - i won’t lie

his role-reversal with luther this season was so *chef’s kiss*

TEAM ZERO *gives diego the fist-bump he deserved*

the moment lila slapped him when he leaned in for a kiss was the funniest shit ever - ‘i don’t understand you’ - then she kisses him - i was cackling

she gave him so much shit + i love that about her

when reginald yelled at him + it made his stutter come back for the fist time since he was a kid - FEELINGS

so in that last battle when diego redirected those bullets - that’s a power of his in the comics isn’t it? or is that just his power? projectile redirection? cause that was a confusing ass way to introduce that. just saying

him interacting with grace this season was like... hard cuz it’s not really her

KLAUS

the fact he made a cult is just so... klaus

he very much so looks like a hippie jesus

i’m kinda glad they showed him relapse because in a lot of media once someone gets clean it’s all butterflies + roses + unicorns out the ass. in reality - relapses happen

the family still isn’t very nice to klaus but we can work on that - they are better than before. it’s a work in progress

klaus trying to stop dave from dying but instead moving up his enlistment date

that diner scene made me hurt

BEN

the fact he is so over getting klaus out of things -  I'M So tIrED oF YouR shIt Klaus

WE GOT KLAUS’S LEVITATING ABILITY BUT IT WAS JUST BEN AND I LOVE THIS ADLGFJGKLSDFJG

when the two of them were just fighting on the side of the road - i cackled

ben being the one to talk vanya down? what we deserved

‘hug me while i go’ - i cry

THE ENDING WITH BEN BEING THAT LITTLE SHIT HEEL BUT ALIVE

i can’t wait for jackass alive ben next season

VANYA

poor girl is awake for a whole ass 5 seconds before getting hit by a car

i really thought vanya was pretending to have amnesia

may i say that s1 vanya dressed far too gay to be heterosexual + s2 vanya did not disappoint

as a gay i appreciate the fact the writers heard all of us saying vanya is 100% gay + being like ‘ok sure’

it makes me kinda sad how happy vanya was with no memories vs s1

her connection with harlan was just so - amazing

also, i think harlan always had powers + that’s why vanya was able to pull a moses at the lake + jesus harlan back to life

i liked sissy. i also liked how she gave us a glimpse into a very realistic thing that used to happen to women who loved women. they would marry men because it was the norm. they’d also have affairs.

and her choice to stay was one made by a good mother - she was putting harlan first. every good mom puts their child first. even if they so desperately want to be selfish.

in good news - vanya now knows she likes vagina!

the fact they legit used LSD on vanya while she was being electrocuted was A LOT

seeing inside vanya’s mind was super interesting - especially when she remembered + how she was trapped inside the white violin

she wanted to die - let’s all take that in for a second

she ASKED for her siblings help + they didn’t disappoint for ONCE

her POWER at the farm... she leveled an ARMY

MISC.

i stan herb + elliot

the handler is super conniving - i wasn’t expecting to dislike her this much

ngl i was rooting for fish-man

lila had me convinced she was crazy the first half ngl - also i guessed she was one of their lost siblings when she first fought five

the three swedes weren’t as fun as hazel + cha-cha but still decent

reginald continues to be #worstDadever

anyone else a little confused why he peeled his face off? s1 flashback he was in human form on his home-planet but apparently it’s a mask???

we saw the original grace!!! she was just as perfect as the robot version too!

BABY POGO IN HIS LITTLE JAMMIES MADE ME WANT TO SNUGGLE HIM SO BADLY - that is all

[samanthalightning]

She's Got A Date-EoWells X Allen!Reader- Part VII

Part VI

Summary: Wells takes you out on your very first date together.

Warnings: Slight Smut?? Oral (m! receiving)

A/N: I know, it took a century for this part to happen. I'm sorry, guys. Writer's Block is some crazy shit. Anyway, here it is xxx

***

You begged him. You did with all your might. But damn, he's one tough bastard to break. Throughout the whole car ride you asked him where he was taking you. You were basically pestering him to the brink of his existence, but he's stingy with the details. Which only annoyed you and made you more anxious. It seems like he took pleasure in being the only one who knows all the details.

"The place isn't batshit crazy, right?"

His eyebrows furrowed, as he took a left turn on Fifth. "No. Why would you think that?"

You shrugged. He wasn't telling you anything, and you just thought that maybe the place isn't good, so he wasn't saying anything. You ran out of ideas, you gave him every fancy restaurant you can think of. Even the one that's outside the city, but it's a no, and a no. And just wait and see.

"So, where are you really taking me, babe?" You huffed exasperated.

He tore his eyes from the road and faced you, an enigmatic smirk formed on his face. That worries you as much as it weirdly turns you on.

"You'll have to wait and see, my love," he murmured. You pouted, putting on puppy dog eyes, but he didn't work on him. He merely chuckled and turned his eyes back on the street.

You glared at him, before realizing he's just the impossible with secrets. It's so annoying. You looked through the tinted windows, scanning your eyes around the busy street for the possible restaurant, but the majority of it was just stores and a fancy hotel ahead of you. You pondered where in the hell is he taking you?

You noticed that you were getting near and near to the fancy hotel. Like he was heading for that particular direction, which is weird. Then, a light bulb above your head turned on. There is one place that he might be taking you. But it's impossible, certainly impossible, absolutely impossible. Nope. You refused to believe it.

"Harrison, are you taking me to The Fiat?" You asked with a tinge of disbelief in your tone. He didn't respond, but you caught the side of his lip turned up to a subtle smirk. Instinctively, you swatted his arm. "Harry!"

His smirk grew wider, still not responded, which made you hit him again. He raised a hand surrender, laughing. "Okay, okay. I am taking you there."

You gasped. The Fiat is the fanciest restaurant in Central City and you have never stepped foot on it, and you wouldn't even dream of it. It's located on the rooftop of a hotel, Venanzzi— rumoured to be owned by some mob family in the city, but it was never confirmed. The price of food there is half of your paycheck, and it's damn hard to get a table there— well, try impossible.

"How were you able to snag us a table there?" You questioned.

"I know a guy," he said quietly.

Sure, he knows a guy, but knowing Harrison Wells, there's more to it than he tells, especially if he's being oddly calm about it. You decided to set it aside for a while. You gazed at the 36-story hotel from the distance, still quite in shock. You can't believe it. You're going on a date with the greatest man in the world— in your opinion— at the fanciest restaurant in Central City.

He pulled over up in the driveway. He switched off the engine, and you unbuckle your seatbelt, ready to get out, but a quick and gentle knock on your side of the door stopped you, and you jolted a bit when it was suddenly opened. Appeared a man, who seemed to be valet, holding out his gloved hand to you. You were reluctant at first, glancing to him, to his hand, to Wells, who gave you a nod, then back to his hand. Hesitantly, you took it.

"Good evening, miss," he politely greeted, assisting you as you climb out of the car.

"Thank you," you murmured shyly. You motioned to the backseat for Wells' wheelchair. "Can you help me with the—Oh." You were cut off when he strode to the driver side, taking out his wheelchair, and helped Wells exit the car. What surprised you is how flawless his execution was. It wasn't your typical 5-star hotel trained employees, no— it was like he had it memorized.

"Good evening, Dr. Wells," he said, as he sat him on the wheelchair gently.

"Good evening, Reggie." You were surprised that Wells knew him. Perhaps he had been going here prior to the explosion. Or maybe after that.

Wells handed him the keys, and moved towards you, grabbing a hold of your hands, and you gave him a shaky smile. Reggie stifled a nod with a polite smile, before he got in the car and drove out of the driveway. You kind of expected a weird look from him by seeing you with Wells, but he was cool about it.

"Let's get inside." He squeezed your hand, urging you to get inside.

The moment you entered through the big glass door, you were mesmerized. Your feet continued to walk, catching up with Wells, but your eyes; they wandered around the room. You have never been in place like this before. It's huge, enough to make you feel small. So luxurious and elegant with it's white walls and columns with gold trims, the marbled floor was covered with red carpet, making you feel as though you're a royal. A gigantic crystal chandelier hung up on the waffle-like ceiling in the center of the lobby, illuminating the whole room. It's so beautiful— and fancy. You wouldn't deny that you may slightly feel like Cinderella entering the ballroom, except this one is just the lobby.

You approached the front desk, one of the receptionists immediately caught you, so quick to put on a smile, and greeted you a good evening. Exactly what Reggie did. And like Reggie, he didn't give you a weird look nor was there a flicker of judgement in her eyes. Perhaps, this isn't her first time seeing people like you and Wells together. Perhaps, it's what she's thinking, but you appreciated that she was polite. And perhaps, God decided that you are free from the inevitable judgements for one night.

"We've been expecting you, Doctor," she spoke, you heard her fingers clicking against the keyboard, looking at the screen of the computer in front of her. She glanced back at you, putting on a smile again. "Here's your key, sir." She handed him a sleek black card. Your eyebrows furrowed, a little puzzled. Although you haven't stayed in a hotel as luxurious as this one, you're not ignorant to the fact that is a key to a room.

"Have a nice night." You smiled and you both thanked her.

You turned and went to the nearest elevator.

"Did you book a room?" You whispered to him.

He nodded. "Yes. Yes, I did."

You blinked, you were loss for words.

While standing and waiting in front of the elevator, you surveyed him with pursed lips. A room and a table. That friend of his is one powerful guy to pull off that kind of stunt. It's impossible to get both of those things booked in less than a day simply because he 'knows a guy'. He's so mysterious; he opens up to you, and you think you know him well, only to be surprised by another thing about him every time. You don't even know where he lives, and yet he's stays at your apartment almost every night. You found that unfair. It feels like you're always anticipating the other shoe to drop.

The door opens. You entered the empty elevator.

"Floor 35, please," he ordered the man.

You cocked your head to one side. "We're not going to the restaurant?"

"Not yet. Our table isn't ready yet." He informed me.

You felt the elevator moved, taking you higher and higher. You zipped your mouth, but been itching to corner him, because you know, deep inside, whoever that friend is doesn't exist— if he has friends. The man is so full of secrets and wonders that he became the basic definition of it.

You got your fast. They didn't lie about having a fast elevator on their website. Wells led you out to the hallway, and you just followed him straight ahead, not really sure where you were heading. When you're at the end of the hall, you halted in front of room 3501

He inserted the key card and opened the door. Ever the gentleman he is, he motioned for you to get in first. You obliged and stepped inside.

You expected to see a bed first, maybe some couches. Just a typical Deluxe Suite. But you didn't expect to be actually welcomed by the actual living room. You slowed down in your tracks and your jaw dropped to the floor. The room isn't your typical suite, that's for sure.

Like a literal child, you got a bit overexcited. You took the liberty and toured the whole room, leaving Wells by himself at the living area. You checked everything, mouth hung open the entire time. It's twice the size of your apartment. There's a freaking kitchen that's better than your kitchen at home. A dining space that can sit six people— and a separate bedroom, a spacious one. And you can't even get started on the bathroom.

You are astonished beyond words. It's crazy to think how much money and power that 'guy' has to experience this kind of luxury.

You walked back to the living room, where Wells is waiting for you.

"I assume that you like it?"

You scoffed, looking at him incredulously. "Like it? This is a freaking penthouse— I love it!" You squealed.

He grinned amused.

"I'm glad you like it," he replied.

You walked to him and sat on his lap. You faced him to gaze and he gazed back, but yours were full of wonder and a hint of suspicion— his was subtly playful, but you know he's wondering what your thinking is. You put your finger on his chest, drawing circles on the fabric.

"So," you began, tone slightly firm. "Who is this 'guy' you know that he is so powerful, he can get you— not just a room, I may add— but a penthouse suite."

His expression didn't even falter, despite being heavily hinting that you don't believe him. He just merely, so slightly shrugged.

"Just some guy." He replied flatly.

You gave him an 'are-you-serious' look.

"Come on, babe— it's so obvious," you insisted, tugging on the lapel of his jacket like a child.

"Fine. There is no guy," he exhaled, surrendering. "I'm a shareholder,"

You blinked. "What?"

"I'm a shareholder," he repeated.

You heard him the first time. You were just making you hear him right. You searched for any sign that he was joking, but none. Although it seems impossible because his face is the most stoic face you've ever seen, you know him.

Your mind went blank, but tried very hard to process it all. Wow. You stuttered for words, and Wells patiently waited for you to form a coherent sentence.

"H-how come I don't know about this?" You were bewildered.

He smirked smugly. "It's not something I regularly tell people,"

You chortled. "You do know that you don't really tell people anything regularly, right?" He chuckled at your little comment, but you knew he secretly agreed to it.

Involuntarily shaking your head in shock. Damn. It all makes sense now. The valet who knew exactly what to do, despite never seeing you before— the receptionist that is so sweet and just accommodating. It's not just because he's some famous guest. How come you never knew this? And how come that he never took you out when he's literally a stockholder at some fancy hotel?

"Well, our table isn't able for about at least an hour. What do you want to do?"

An hour earlier is such a Wells thing. 10 minutes late is considered late for him.

There's many things to explore, and you did just that. You wandered around again, still in utter disbelief. Then you stumbled upon the biggest mini bar in a hotel. Filled with various beverages, wines, wine glasses with chips and chocolates— and expensive nuts, which you didn't know existed. You raided it and plopped down on the couch, turning on the TV. You scrolled through the arrays of movies, until you found one that matches your current mood.

You figured to stick with the classic Julia Robert movie: 'Pretty Woman'.

You did feel a little bad for taking the majority of the food and being a total slouch right now, but they're just sitting there, and Wells does have a share in this place, so might as well take advantage of the good stuff.

Quite some time into the movie, you realized that you were alone. You scanned your eyes around the whole room, but Wells is nowhere to be found. It's like he just suddenly vanished.

You noticed the double doors that lead to the balcony were open. He must have gone there when you went on tour. You got on your feet and strode outside. Cold and muggy air of Autumn quickly greeted you, making you shiver.

You found him at the other end of the balcony. Gazing at the distance, seemingly under a deep thought. Probably in his own little world that he rarely shows to the real world.

"Finally got annoyed with me?" You went to him, crossing your arms.

His head snapped to you. He was a little startled, but quickly recovers by flashing you a smile.

"Impossible." He turned his eyes back to view. "Just taking in the view. From this perspective the whole city seems small."

You sat on his lap and followed the line of his gaze, laying eyes on the city's skyline. It took your breath away. The moon's full tonight, the black canvas of the sky was blanketed with stars. You never viewed your city from this perspective before. It was like those paintings and pictures you've seen before, but it's real and much more impressive, and a sense of strong nostalgia flooded your senses. Homes and buildings, parks all perched up. The twinkling lights are dazzling and golden, adding a dramatic and scenic flair to the view. Even you can see S.T.A.R Labs up there. The street is very busy, but you can't really hear the hustle and bustle. It's peaceful up there. And he was right— everything is so small. Everyone is so small, reminding you of how little the people and furniture were in your dollhouse.

"It is," you sighed, finding yourself lost with the sight as well.

You looked at Wells over your shoulder, and realized that he's looking at you. Eyes gleaming with admiration and such intensity you couldn't quite place. It made you feel a little self-conscious.

"What?" You furrowed your eyebrows.

"Have I told you how you look absolutely beautiful tonight?"

You flushed, couldn't help the smile forming on your face. You tried to play it cool.

You shook your head. "Not enough,"

"Well, let me make it up to you." He kissed the exposed skin on your shoulder. "You are the most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes on," he said meaningfully, looking into your eyes deeply.

You swear to God, your cheeks must be in the darkest shade of crimson with all his compliments.

You narrowed your eyes at him.

"You just want to be kissed, don't you?" You questioned.

He chuckled, but nodded. "Yes, please."

This is one of those moments where you roll your eyes and swat him chest, and he'll laugh it off. But it's just different tonight. Perhaps the new scenery and the mesmerizing view have some sort of an effect.

You relented. Titling your body to face him, your lips captured his thin addictive lips tenderly. Quickly, escalated into a heated kiss. Your lips parted, allowing him access as his hand cupped your cheeks, and the other roamed your body up and down from behind. There was a switch, activating the desire in the pit of your stomach. You can feel it starting to burn through your veins, your fist bunched up in his shirt.

You said it before as a joke and you'll say it again: you both have the hormones of a teenager, always ready to go at it anytime. You teased him that his sex deprivation for the last 10 years is the reason for it.

You pulled away for a moment to catch your breath. Your forehead against him. Your eyes locked, a sudden flash of lust and mischief appear in your eyes.

"Remember last night?" You inquired, breathing heavy.

"Hmm," he hummed cautiously.

"Want to make it up for you as well?" You wiggled your eyebrows, making him chuckle.

"We only have 20 minutes before our reservation,"

"There's many things we can do in 20 minutes." You kissed him again.

Although you're ready for it, you don't really want to take off your dress and waste the hours you spent getting ready before the dinner. Maybe a little touch wouldn't hurt. You just need to satisfy your needs.

Out of nowhere, you realized that you rarely do this, and you never really thought about it. And besides, it will rile him up.

You pulled away once more, catching him off guard. You got off his lap and stood before him with a seductive smirk. His face showed how utterly puzzled he is now, but carefully analyzing you.

You hands on his torso, sliding down to his thighs, as you kneel down on the ground, confusing and surprising him even more.

"What are you doing?" He asked.

"Just watch," you ordered.

Your fingers crawled back up, fiddling with his belt buck. You glanced up to him, your smirk growing wider. He looked a bit reluctant as he watched, knowing what was folding before him.

"Y/N—"

"Shh,"

With the zipper undone, you rolled his pants down to his knees. You took a hold his half-hard length, slowly pumping it. His breath hitched. You felt the excitement rushing through you, the goosebumps erupting on your skin. Perhaps being out there makes the whole experience more exhilarating. But yes, you are thankful that you are 35 floors up, at the corner side of the building, and there's a wall blocking you from the room beside you.

You took the head into your mouth, your tongue swirled around it. You heard him hiss very quietly and sighed as if almost in relief. You licked the dripping pre-cum, moving down to the base, you pumped him faster.

Your other hand caressed his balls, you worked on your rhythm, bobbing your head up and down, His fingers found their way through your hair, bunching them up tightly, but carefully as he didn't want to ruin your hair.

You looked up, half-lidded with those eyes, showing him how well you're taking him, even sucking harder, deeper and faster. It started to show how much restraints he was putting on. His breathing becoming uneven, his teeth dug in his bottom lip, his eyes rolling back.

You were starting to feel yourself getting wet. So aroused, you moan and it vibrated through him, adding another wave of pleasure.

You get a grunt and hiss here and there. That still doesn't satisfy you. You want to drive him crazy, have him writhing, losing control of himself.

Before you could ever do something, his phone rang loudly.

He didn't seem to be bothered by it and answered the call and you decided to continue sucking him off.

"Cisco?" He panted, licking his dry lips. "Yes,"

You smirked smugly internally, remembering the fond memories of two nights ago. Payback is a bitch.

You moved deeper, you could almost feel him at the base of your throat. His pitch went high at one point, although he regained control almost immediately. He shot you glare, but you just did it again, and again, and again, driving him wilder each time. He tried to keep up with Cisco, but what you're doing is torture. The sweetest torture.

You love it though. Watching him unravel and get flustered before you as he tries his very best to keep it together. You just realized how much you crave it and goddamn it's so much.

"Cisco, is this a life and death situation?" He questioned the poor boy. "No? You see, I'm quite preoccupied at the moment, I'll call you back later regarding..." He trailed off, forgetting what the young man had said to him.

"Yes. That. Goodbye," he said, ending the call. "You're naughty little minx, aren't you?"

You hummed in reply and you knew what it was going to do to him. He gripped your hair tighter, pushing you down to deepthroat him. You are never one to walk away from challenges, so you let him do it for as long he wants, fondling with his balls even more. But you're only human, eventually you started choking, you retraced, tears streaming down your cheeks.

He quickly wiped them, looking at you apologetic for losing control. You nodded at him to say you're fine and went back to your old pace.

Thank God for waterproof mascara. You knew you were crying tonight, but in this way.

You felt him twitch inside of you, so you pumped him faster, until you felt the warm liquid hitting the back of your throat. You swallowed it confidently. You slowed down on your pace, before pulling away with a pop.

Wells' forehead was covered with beads of sweat; he was breathing heavy, seemingly lightheaded, but grinning like an idiot. He was undone, thanks to you.

You get on your feet, straightening up your dress. With a proud smirk, you leaned over him, inches away and whispered,

"I'm gonna go touch up. We wouldn't want to be late, right?" You pulled him into a passionate kiss, letting him taste himself in your mouth, before pulling away and walking back inside with your hips swaying, leaving him on the balcony to recover.

You gotta give to him. By the time you finished fixing your make-up and hair, he composed himself as if nothing had happened.

You were like idiots though, sharing a knowing smirk from time to time while waiting for the elevator to reach the floor.

Abruptly, a ding caught your attention. The doors opened, there were at least 4 people, you smiled politely at them as you got inside.

You met eyes around and you caught a middle-aged woman with her white streaked hair in a slick bun and blue dress looking at you from the back of the elevator. It would seem like she's accompanied by her husband, who didn't seem to care at all. Her eyes are just filled with pure utter disbelief and disgust almost to see you and Wells together. No one had given you that look before, even with the valet and the receptionist.

You turned away, bowed your head down, moving closer to him and holding on his hand tighter.

Finally, you reached the restaurant. You quickly stepped out getting as far as possible, although you know that she's gonna dine in the restaurant as well. But her table may be far, far away from yours. Here's to hoping.

Upon approaching the entrance, you were greeted by another receptionist. They seem to never run out.

"Good evening, Doctor, miss," he greeted. "This way, please." He gestured to you to follow him into the restaurant.

The lights were low in a romantic way. Half of the table isn't even occupied, you wonder how in the world it's always full.

Wells just never runs out of surprises. It is a whole new level of amazing. It's unlike any rooftop restaurants you saw before. The walls are made of glass, slightly curved as if mimicking the shape of a plane. It gives a panoramic, 360 view of the city.

The receptionist stopped by the table in the center of the room. You've reached your table, as it seems. The kind man pulled out your chair for you and you thanked him, before he strode away to walk back to the front desk.

Your eyes scanned your eyes around the room, fiddling with the hem of your dress. Majority of the people inside are just business men in a meeting of sorts.

Your head tilted up slightly, and a quiet gasp slipped from your lips. There's a skylight perfectly placed above your table. You get the sight of the sky above you; the stars, the moon's light refracting through the glass.

"Wow. This is amazing," you murmured, eyes twinkling with awe.

"Not as amazing as you, of course,"

You rolled your eyes, bowing your head again.

You took the menu placed on your table. You skimmed the contents, as it seems you will be having a 5-course meal, 4 of them, excluding the wines, you can't pronounce even if tried. Tuscan Steak for the main course— he really wanted a steak. A good one.

It didn't have the price on it and that worries you a bit.

"So, does the Venanzzi crime family really own this place?" You asked, not even pausing to think about it. You just wanted a conversation and real story.

Wells laughed, shaking his head. "No. They don't. The real ones are in Italy, managing another hotel there."

Well, you thought that killed the excitement and possible shadiness of this place. On the bright side, he isn't involved with the crime family.

The waiter came shortly, already with your first course: Carpaccio di anatra, which is apparently duck with it's perfect wine to match.

You dig into the food. It melts the moment it touches your tongue, a hint of pepper and lemon popped in your taste buds. You moaned, slouching your shoulder.

Wells quietly chuckled at your reaction and continued eating his food.

"Why'd you name it The Fiat?" Thought randomly popped in your mind. It doesn't really have a meaning that you can think of. It sounds foreign.

"It's an Italian sesquiplane that served before and during World War II. I consider it one of the deadliest biplanes during that time. Although it's a bit outdated by two modern biplane the Allied Powers had." He explained. He lifted his fingers, pointing to the windows. "The architectural design doesn't resemble the original, but I figured that if Paris has L'oiseau Blanc, Central City should have The Fiat."

You never knew he was that keen on history. Or planes.

"That was a nice history lesson," you commented.

"Thank you," he replied.

The night carried on. You were genuinely having fun. Laughing with all the stories and jokes you exchanged. The food is all astonishing; they are something your taste buds have never quite experienced before. The steak is so good, and you really failed that steak.

You could feel the wines you consumed kicking in your system and it's pretty amazing. Of course, as you get intoxicated, you start getting flirty. Your jokes are getting a bit more crude, and your eyes are sultry eyeing him.

Let's just say he chokes and coughs a lot.

You cleared your throat suddenly, getting Wells' attention. He raised an eyebrow as if asking you what's wrong.

You grinned cheekily. "How are you recovering, by the way? I forgot to ask."

Caught off guard, he started coughing, quickly taking a sip of his drink. He averted his face from you, looking down, but you can see the hint of blush on his cheeks.

"Very well, thank you for asking."

"Poor Cisco. Twice in his life he got scared," you remarked.

He exhaled. "Let's hope he didn't get the faintest idea of what was happening with each of his calls."

You giggled, nodding in agreement.

By the time the dessert appeared on your table, you were pretty overwhelmed and almost full after all the food, but you can't stop taking more bite. You wonder how rich people do this. There's so much food to eat in one seating.

But alas, your seductive charm didn't halt for a second. Each bite you take of the tiramisu, you moaned sensually. You are more than satisfied to see him red and taking a sharp breath when you meet eyes.

"I know what you're doing," he spoke.

You smirked.

"Good."

"You know that's gonna get you in trouble, right?" He finally glanced up at you. His pair of ocean eyes were filled with concupiscent darkness.

"Why do you think I do it?" Your voice dropped into a whisper.

His brow raised. "What you did earlier isn't enough?" He asked and you shook your head. "You will be the death of me." He stated.

"I hope not. Excuse me, I'm just gonna go and touch up,"

You got on your feet, and walked to the nearest restroom. On your way, you saw that the same woman in the elevator was just right behind your table. She scrutinized you again and you did your best to ignore her.

You stare at yourself in the mirror, reapplying your lipstick. Really, there's no point to reapply them for you know what's gonna happen after this dinner, but you just wanted to.

The door opened, snapping your head towards it. Revealing the same woman. This time she spared you a smile. Again, you felt an unsettling feeling in your stomach, though you smiled back to be polite.

She stood beside you, seeming to be reapplying your make-up as well. You both stood in silence, doing your own thing, then she spoke.

"Is that your Dad?"

You didn't get it at first, but you realized she meant Wells.

"Uhm, no," you muttered.

"Oh, your uncle then?" She inquired some more.

"No," you replied again, more firmly this time. "He's my boyfriend," you announced.

"Oh." She blinked, although you knew she's hardly surprised about that. "Don't you think he's a little too old for you, darling?" She chuckled, trying to lighten her comment.

"Well, age is just a number." You politely countered.

She nodded.

"That is true, but I'm just saying that perhaps someone your age suits you better. It's quite, well, inappropriate." She said. "Men like him— they'll get bored and they'll find another girl to mess with. He'll just break your heart darling." Her tone sounded so motherly, masking the criticism with concern.

Your jaw hardened as does your fist. You are in utter disbelief how a person could be so invasive and judgemental. She doesn't even know you or Wells.

It took every ounce of your being not to snap and stay calm.

"Well, I don't think so. He's perfect for me in every way and he loves me as much as I love him," you said. "And I don't mean to offend you, as much as you're offending me right now, but as someone I don't even know, I don't think that you have a say in our consensual, happy relationship. Have a good night."

Her face contorted into a scowl and shock.

You collected your things and stormed out of the bathroom.

Your blood is boiling, as you went back to your table. You tried not to be obvious with a sudden change in your mood, but it got to you.

"Let's go," you demanded.

"What's wrong?" He sounded concerned.

You shook your head and forced a small. You were too obvious.

"Nothing. Let's go?"

He was suspicious, but nodded anyway. You both left the restaurant and headed back to your room.

***

I'm not the only one who hates that Karen, right? Anyway, I'd appreciate if you share this and give it some love. Thanks!

Part VII: Angst Ending | Part VII: (Sort of) Happy Ending

[fwoopersongs]

何必诗债换酒钱 - Notes

Clean version here and thoughts under the cut.

I saw the song translation notes made by @shelterfromrain​ a while back and thought, wow! what a fantastic idea it is to share the results of the rabbit holing (that you inevitably end up engaging in when doing this) and leave a record for your future self while at it too! Currently some of the song and poetry translations on fwoopersongs do have little notes, but those were casually written on the fly and after so long, the thought process behind certain choices often get forgotten, which is such a waste... Long story short - I’m doing it this way from now on!

This song was requested by @peerlesssqq on twitter - which may or may not have bumped it up by like a year on my list (yes, I’ve been sitting on it since 2018 and you’ll see why) - and I had WAY more fun than expected, so 谢啦 ~ It was a delight to receive your DM request. I was happy for days!

Some background: 《何必诗债换酒钱》 is the theme song of 【文定乾坤】- a collection of musical works that feature notable contributors to Chinese literature in ancient times, poets and the like. Oh, and I did notice that the MV on bilibili looks like it could be a promo for a webtoon or game. Who knows? I’ll be checking out the rest of the songs, that’s for sure!

The following part of this post will be my thoughts for first the title, then each section - the intro, verse 1 & 2 and the chorus, ending off with some final comments.

Disclaimer first though (otherwise later you read already then feel like beating me up): Everything in this post is only my interpretation of the song. I have quite limited familiarity with mainland literature and culture, so of course don’t expect much xD Here you’ll only find a story-loving banana who jiak-ed kantang too much in her youth and now regrets it a whole lot. 说好了哈 I’m pants at analysis, worse at Chinese, and am not at all good with words ok?

Title

So《何必诗债换酒钱》, let’s start off with the word here that’s unfamiliar to most of us:

诗债 | shī zhài or a debt of poems/poetry debt is a legit thing! - All you authors and artists out there might be familiar with it - It’s what you call the resulting debt when a poet promises to write something for another person but hasn’t done it yet. Procrastination has apparently always been the curse of content creators.

In fact, in the Bai Juyi’s poem that came up on the 诗债 baidu page《晚春欲携酒寻沉四著作先以六韵寄之》- possibly addressed to a friend he owes - he was complaining of illness, old age and writer’s block. But then oh, he goes on and then I passed by a party where they had drinks, and was quite up to my gills & totally out of it for some time, and THAT’S why I’ve done you dirty and owe you ever so many poems. I don’t really understand the last two lines but apparently he then offers to bring a drink for this person he’s talking to, mentions a wish to meet a winter goddess (????? pretty girl? or the snow? idk which), and starts reminiscing the times that were like a precious string of pearls they had singing at Yang Pass. Most likely farewells, but without context I just don’t get it. Anyway bribery and misdirection huh? I see what you did there bro, and I’m sure the person you attempted to distract saw it coming too...

何必 | hé bì, is a rhetorical question of Must you really? In the case of this word, 何 functions as roughly ‘is it that’ and 必 as ‘it must be so’.

换酒钱 | huàn jiǔ qián is of course, exchange for money to purchase wine.

‘Must you really promise poems in exchange for money to buy wine?’ then is the literal translation of 何必诗债换酒钱.

So here is the question: Is alcohol worth a poetry debt? Onwards to the answer!

Intro

生就诗骨 算来三百篇  Born and already a poet to the bones, (with) three hundred works counting up to now. 

浪掷秦淮长安 风流李杜王白  Spending lavishly in Qinhuai and Chang’an, free/unrestrained as Li and Du, Wang and Bai;

余下十分 便随意肩上担  whatever left is divided in ten parts, casually thrown over a shoulder

权作金玉铜板 相谢好人间  and taken for jade, gold and coin, a big thank you to this good world!

I interpreted the 生 in the first line as 天生 i.e. innate, natural born talent, so this first line describes someone born with a gift for poetry with ‘three hundred’ works to their name. Although... that three hundred should not be taken too literally, it’s more likely to be an allusion to collected works like the 16th century anthology of poems, Three Hundred Tang Poems. After all, Li Bai, Du Fu, Wang Wei and Bai Juyi are the most famous Tang Dynasty poets… and they were all name-dropped in the next line!

浪掷 | làng zhì was a new phrase for me, and means something like spending freely and lavishly or willfully wasted. Of course Chang’an was the capital during the Tang Dynasty and it was the world's most populous city at the time. One can only imagine how prosperous it must have been… and what fun things were there to spend your money on! The banks of Qinhuai river and that general area was once a gathering place for noble/wealthy families, scholars looking for a good time (and some say, the red light district xD). Though by Sui/Tang, that area was no longer doing as well due to political shifts. So the mental image I got from 浪掷秦淮长安 is of someone gallivanting through places of interest, from the bustling and prosperous to the dilapidated.

风流 | fēng liú is as always, hard to translate with no full equivalent in english. The feel it gives me ranges from, ‘cool, dashing bloke on a galloping horse with their cloak/robes/hair flowing elegantly in the wind’ to ‘pleasure seeking dandy who totally knows how to enjoy life, all the courtesans know him by courtesy name!’.

The third line started with 余下十分, which will not make any sense - why leftover? Divide what by ten? - until its put in context with the following:

Three hundred poems 算来三百篇 + 权作金玉铜板 pretend they are gold/jade/money (权作 | quán zuò just means to take one thing for another temporarily.)

The load thrown over the shoulder 肩上担

Spendthrift behaviour on tour 浪掷秦淮长安

The TITLE: bro so u wanna promise poetry in exchange for money to drink? why.

Let’s take those precious poems that can be exchanged for gold - a whole bagful of scrolls, and now I’m so rich I can scatter my money down the streets of entertainment districts and the capital! The very image of a 风流 poet, reckless and free spirited.

// Folks, please learn from this silly girl and do not read songs (or poems) line by line. They need to be appreciated at a distance, not one inch from your eyeballs.

Verse 1

两分与月 劳烦身前打点 Two parts to the moon, (may I) trouble you to take care of me while I’m alive.

哪处巍峨峰峦 当借我悬来观 Wherever there are majestic peaks and ranges, do lend me (your light) to hang and see by.

三分典高楼 好与长风赴宴 Three parts pawned for the tall building, good for attending the banquet alongside the wind,

遍寻可爱星子 唾手一把玩 searching for charming little stars, easily caught to play with.

Now we get to see how the poet is spending his ‘wealth’. This verse is a lot more literal as compared to the introduction, so there’s not much to say.

打点 used here is so interesting! Because it’s what you call bribing someone in a superior position to smoothen your path ahead (so to speak). Thanks to a childhood of tvb drama, I vaguely associate the type of people who would 打点 with rich merchant or minor noble fathers who want to give their sons an easier time at court. Either that or lower ranked officials with less moral scruples. Anyway, what’s being said in the song is something like: here is 20% dear moon, I’ll have to trouble you to bless me for the rest of this lifetime, and also please lend me your light to see by when I have need of it at scenic spots *for art*. The moon is a muse for many poets in all its forms after all… 明月, 圆月, 孤月, 残月, 冷月, 江月, 秋月 and so on.

Actually that whole sentence 劳烦身前打点 is so playful and fun that I put it in quotation marks to emphasize it. We’ve only just begun. Is the speaker already drunk?

And with the third line, 30% has been spent. Just noting here that 典 | diǎn can be read as pawn or mortgage. Another interesting thing to note would be that this imagery of ascending a tall building 高楼 and reaching out for stars 星子 in the last two lines of Verse 1 brings to mind one particular poem, famously attributed to Li Bai. Following translation by yours truly.

《夜宿山寺》- Overnight at the Mountain Temple 危楼高百尺 | dangerously towering a hundred feet high 手可摘星辰 | the stars are within reach 不敢高声语 | one dares not raise their voice 恐惊天上人 | for fear of disturbing the deities

Though the two probably have nothing to do with each other, doesn’t the reverence in the tone of this one bring out the playful irreverence of the other? So. Much. Fun. I adore the whole feel of 遍寻可爱星子 唾手一把玩 SO MUCH.

Verse 2

两分与桥 歇脚南北行船 Two parts to the bridge where travellers on foot and by boat from the north and south can rest,

欣然八方风物 闲话半日茶碗 delighted by the scenery all around, idly chatting half the day away over bowls of tea.

三分典流水 润色枯瘦石山 Three parts for the running water, moistening the gaunt stone mountains

又将天地一展 伸手 试浓淡 and again spreading heaven and earth wide, reaching out to test the viscosity (of the water).

It took a few listens, but in the end I really enjoyed the aesthetics here. And again, this verse is quite straight to the point albeit with two things I cannot understand.

The first point of confusion for me is why the lyricist chose to use 桥 | qiáo, a bridge as the place for people to rest on their journeys. I assumed here that this in reference to a pier or dock, assumed also that he is donating funds for this structure to be built or repaired. However, if that were the case 坞 | wù would have been enough - 船坞 was supposedly invented only in the Song Dynasty though, so maybe that’s why another word was chosen. But it’s not like there is any incidence of 桥 being used to mean ‘dock’ either!

The second thing that confuses me is the use of 典 for 流水. In verse one, that 典 was referring to the poetry works sold to reserve the venue for a banquet. That usage was apt. Here I suspect it might be for parallel structure, because there is no alternative reading for 典 that might allow one to use their 30% 三分 to do anything to flowing water 流水. That’s the literal reading, of course.

If we’re taking this a little less literally, it can be interpreted as borrowing the scenery (figuratively, since the place would not belong to anyone in the way you might own a property) to admire. It also expands on the second line’s mention of the surrounding view 欣然八方风物; there is running water which completes 润色 and brings the appearance of the gaunt and rocky mountains 枯瘦石山 closer to perfection.

润色 | rùn sè means to polish, to bring to greater heights. When you say something has been 润色 it is made more brilliant and closer to perfection by that addition. It can also mean moisten.

We always hear ‘rivers and mountains like a painting’ 江山如画 - originating from Su Dongpo’s《念奴娇·赤壁怀古》- used when the scenery is wonderful, because how often is real life as ideal as what we can imagine and depict? And that is exactly what is described here. The feeling out if the ‘water’ is concentrated or diluted 试浓淡 is used in answer to 一展 unfurling. 浓淡 of ink to 一展 of painting scroll. The land and sky seem like an ink wash painting, so beautiful that the viewer cannot help but reach out to run their hand through the water.

Chorus

Chorus Part 1

若趁游兴直到酣 If we take advantage of our wanderlust and go roaming till it is sated,

千字文章不值钱 classics and essays shan’t be worth a coin.

诗换花 词换雪 A poem for a flower! A song for snow!

再作檄文斗天官 Another denunciation for those heavenly officials!

Starting off with three new terms for me: 游兴 | yóu xìng means enthusiasm for travel. 酣 | hān can mean having a great time drinking, or being very satisfied and satiated. 檄文 | xí wén is a type of official document written for important announcements, declaration of war, or denunciation and condemnation of certain people or actions.

While I still feel this need to go out to see the world, I shall keep on the road until I am satisfied. Who cares about writing, who cares for study, it’s all worthless to me. I do what I want. And what I want is to write a little poem in exchange for a flower, some lyrics for a flake of snow. I’ll even write a denunciation against those officials in heaven (immortals). Fight me!!!!

I point again at Verse 1 with climbing the tower to play with stars. It’s no longer just playing nearby, now he wants a go at the gods.

Among the four parts of the chorus, this one is the simplest for sure. The lines mean exactly what is said. It also feels the most chaotic and mischievous. Is the speaker drunk? Is he high on something? One thing’s for sure. He’s out of money.

Chorus Part 2

何愁不得一样我 Why feel troubled that (I) cannot have another just like me?

知交尽向话中添 for one who understands you and is understood, look entirely towards stories to fill that place

唐解元 嵇中散 people like Tang Bohu (first in provincial examinations) and proud, upright and stubborn Ji Kang

且驰大梦任疯癫 Just chase that great dream, allow yourself to go mad.

I feel like the first two lines are quite straightforward, though they might not appear so on first reading: How could there be a need to feel sad or troubled that I have no like-minded equal. To find a true friend who understands you without need for words, and whom you understand in return, all you need to do is turn to those tales and stories 话中 for people to fill 添 that place.

唐解元 - People like Tang Yin, courtesy name: Bohu 唐寅, 字伯虎 (1470–1524 AD), noted painter, calligrapher and poet of the Ming Dynasty. Tang Yin led a life full of ups and downs that really cannot be covered in a paragraph’s worth of song translation notes. You can check out his wiki page if you’re curious though! There’s a little more on him where I cover the last line of this section. He is addressed as 解元 | jiè yuán here which is the term for the top scorer of the provincial examinations (second stage in the Imperial examination ladder). It is also an honorific for scholars. Tang Bohu is both.

嵇中散 - People like Ji Kang, courtesy name: Shuye 嵇康, 字叔夜, (223–262 AD), one of the Seven Sages of the Bamboo Grove - a group of friends who wisely kept themselves aloof from the dangerous politics of the Court, and devoted themselves to art, refinement and debate, of the Three Kingdoms period. He was a Daoist philosopher, musician, writer and poet.  

An accomplished musician, the qin composition 廣凌散 | guǎnglíng sàn is attributed to Ji Kang, though some versions of the story claim he learned it from a ghost while stopping at a pavillion on his way home. 嵇中散 was one of the names he was known by because of his appointment to the position of Attendant Counsellor, 中散大夫 | zhōng sàn dàfū, a civil official unspecified duties in the court of Cao Wei.

When Ji Kang was sentenced to death for his attempt to testify for a wrongly accused friend, three thousand scholars petitioned for his pardon to no avail. It’s said that at the execution ground, while they waited for the appointed hour, he had his favourite qin brought out and played a brilliant interpretation of Guanglin San that is now forever lost.

Do go read about them both if you have the time!

I would like to point out for the last line that 任 is to allow, to indulge, and it’s just such a heady sensation to say 任疯癫 - indulge in the madness! throw yourself in and don’t look back!

There is an easter egg here too. A nod to a poem by Tang Yin which can be read as his stance on his lifestyle choice after the alleged accusations of bribery in the final step of the Imperial examinations left him disgraced, and unable to pursue a civil career. Thematically the line does not call back to the poem at all, similarities end with the choice of words: chasing the dream 驰大梦 and indulging madness 任疯癫.  I leave an excerpt below. Translation again by me.

《桃花庵歌》- Song of a Plum Blossom Cottage // 若将花酒比车马 | if tawdriness and wine were compared against fine carriage and steed 他得驱驰我得闲 | he would have to drive and work hard for speed whilst I have my idle rest 别人笑我太疯癫 | others mock me for my madness 我笑他人看不穿 | i am amused for they do not perceive 不见五陵豪杰墓 | can’t you see that at the Emperors’ mausoleums and heroes’ graves 无花无酒锄做田 | there are no flowers, no wine, only land ploughed for farming

The second part of the chorus isn’t related to the first, but it has the same theme of showcasing the untamable (unhinged xD) spirit of the speaker. This time, the people he admires ‘intellectual equals’ and kindred spirits are featured, the 任性 feeling here has been pushed to greater heights.

Chorus Part 3

敢夸洒落何须酒 If one dares to boast of carefreeness, why, they hardly need wine.

不煮黄粱也称仙 Even without brewing millet they would still be called Immortal.

镜湖桌 白梅盏 The tables in the mirror-like lake, white plum blossoms in the cups,

等来春风恰开宴 await the spring breeze which arrives just in time for the feast to start!

Li Bai is regarded as both the god of poetry 诗仙 and god of drunkards wine 酒仙 because he wrote some of his greatest poems while drinking. The first two lines seem to be gently poking fun at that. Like hey, if you dare to claim to be all groovy, surely you have no need for alcohol? Just like how an immortal would still be an immortal without wine, your writing talent should not need any stimulants. This would be the time to mention that 黄粱 | huáng liáng is also known as millet, a type of grain that can be used to brew wine.

洒落 | s�� luò has a few meanings, like shower down or blame, but the relevant one here would be 洒脱 generous, uninhibited and open. For me it feels similar to 风流 in that there is that ‘free, and exhilaratingly unrestrained’ element. 洒落 is in the most positive sense, being always open to having a good time, but without that dissolute or vaguely whirlwind-romance like connotation of 风流.

It feels like the intensity is letting up a little here - this is a light-hearted and frivolous song all the way through, but the words 洒落, 称仙 and imagery of a clear lake, white plum blossoms and the crisp spring breeze are grounding and sweet. Spirited in a different way from before.

Chorus Part 4

四角天地也醺然 The four corners and heaven and earth are also tipsy,

醉极自有桃李搀 when I’ve overindulged, my students will be there to help.

快意只 笔下讨 Gratification can only be claimed from beneath the brush;

何必诗债换酒钱 is falling into poetry debt worth that money for drink?

New words: 醺然 | xūn rán just means drunk. A new word for me though! 桃李 | táo lǐ is literally peach 桃 and plum 李 (李花, also known as 玉梅) flowers, and is a metaphor for students. The term originates from a story in 《韩诗外传》which was set in the Wei Kingdom of the Spring and Autumn period (771 to 476 BCE). There was once a highly ranked official who was sacked from his post and left for the north. He met another gentleman and remarked that the people he helped before did not lift a finger when he was in need. This person replied that, if someone were to plant peach and plum trees in spring, he could relax under their shade in the Summer and taste their fruit in the Autumn. But if that person were to plant weeds, nothing can be done with their leaves in Spring and there would only be burrs to hurt himself on in Autumn. Clearly the people the unfortunate gentlemen had helped before were not worth his effort. Students ought to be carefully selected and carefully cultivated as one would a tree.

Reading the four corners and heaven and earth 四角天地 are also tipsy 也醺然, I imagine the world sort of spinning around the speaker because he is drunk. But that’s okay, because his students (or the trees xD) will be there to support him.

快意 | kuài yì is the feeling of sudden relaxation, and then lightheartedness and joy. In this line, I felt like the intention would be closer to 畅快，爽快 and so chose gratification, because really writing is like scratching an itch isn’t it? Pleasure from satisfaction of a desire. Phrasing it as 笔下讨 is so very fitting though, because 讨 can be interpreted - somewhat contradicting - as either to demand or to beg. What could be more gratifying than having squeezed out the perfect sentence or word under your figurative pen?

So so so after all that, 何必诗债换酒钱? What do you think, is alcohol worth the poetry debt? Is Mr. Poet actually drunk and about to dig himself a deeper hole of owed poems to get even MORE drunk, or has he just been thinking about it all along? :)

Thoughts

This has been such a fun adventure following our madcap big spender from the shining Chang’an to the inviting Qinhuai, shadow of great poets in tow and all. We’ve done everything from talking to the moon and seeing the sights by her light, to boating down a river, dragging fingers through the water. It was sort of like being on a backpacking tour, except with with someone contemplating opening (or perhaps regretting opening this can of worms?) poetry commissions instead of singing in the streets?

Dear reader, if you’ve reached this point of my post, thank you. I hope you enjoy the song as much as I do now!

[sweetpaopao]

FMA 2003 (Re)Watch

I recently planned a hybrid watch of both the 2003 series and Brotherhood; the original plan was to skip over to BH at the divergence point, but I was enjoying the first part of 03 so much that I decided to keep going. I saw 03 when it aired on TV back in the day and watched BH a few years after it was released, so while both are technically rewatches, a lot of 03 was hazy. Also FYI, I was switching back and forth between sub and dub kind of randomly throughout my watch.

A bunch of random thoughts:

-The first half of 03 is done really well, and I enjoyed it a lot. I like the extra time they spent on the early arcs, and I really enjoyed the episode on the train, the one with Barry, and the one with Yoki. I did skip that one filler with the thief because I remember it being super cringe.  

-The music is good. Of course "Brothers" is the best, but I like a lot of the other tracks too.

-The origin of the Homunculi as failed transmutations is neat. It's creative, works with the established setup of alchemy, and makes the Homunculi relatable and sympathetic. They mention Lust being "the new Lust" several times, which makes me wonder how many different versions of the Sins have existed over the centuries, and what happened to each of them.  

-I like the extra screen time and development that Lust received. Though she loses points for getting "Cotton Eye Joe" stuck in my head on multiple occasions, lol  

-Al seems way younger in this version. He's supposed to be a year behind Ed, but he acts like he's 3-4 years younger. I think it's mainly the writing, but the dub voice actor might contribute to this, since it's obvious it's an actual child and not an adult doing a child's voice.  

-Sloth is 100% better in 03 than in BH, hands down. I do wish she had been given a little more development, at least as much as Lust was given, since she's so connected to the main characters. Her water powers were cool..."death by evaporation" is definitely unique.  

-On the other hand, I friggin' HATE Wrath. He's an insufferable brat, and his voice made me want to stab out my ears (no offense to either voice actor - it's the part that's the problem. It's impossible to NOT be obnoxious when 80% of your lines are screeching and/or whining). I also hate that he looks so much like Envy...character design 101 says that each character should have their own distinct look, so I can't fathom why they would make him look like Envy Jr instead of giving him his own design. At least give him different clothes? Cut his hair, or put it in a ponytail?  

-Greed had barely any part in the story at all. The poor guy was practically a "Hi and die". His death scene was one of the things I had strong memories of, but I thought it was much later, near the very end of the series (I think the library in Dante's house and the ballroom in that city merged together in my mind). The lack of Greed love was a little disappointing, since he's my favorite homunculus.  

-It's sometimes said that Winry doesn't have much of a part in this series, which honestly is wrong - she's in it a lot, just not as a love interest. I liked her espionage plotline with Sheska.  

-Sheska got way more screentime here. I don't really care all that much about her, but I can see where she would have favorite character potential for some people (or waifu potential, even). I laughed out loud at the "she's an alien" line.  

-Havoc is a shyguy and very much NOT a badass stud, lol  

-Hohenheim...uh. I absolutely hated everything they did with him. He's basically a villain, he was a creep to Ross, he looks like a drowned rat, and he literally stinks. Poor Hoho, why did they do this to you?  

-Riza also got screwed. She had that one cool manga scene where she saves Mustang by tripping him, and then proceeded to get shit on for the rest of the series. She was basically an unintelligent lump who exists to be talked down to and treated like an annoyance. And speaking of the Colonel...  

-Dear God, 03 Mustang is a DICK. I remember he was popular back in the day, so fans must have had a high douchebag tolerance then. He got so bad at points that my finger was itching to skip ahead every time he opened his mouth, and I nearly punched the screen when he told Hawkeye to "wipe that crap off your face" in that one scene. Christ. I vastly, VASTLY prefer his softer Brotherhood personality.  

-Ed is kind of a dick in this version too. They took the short-tempered hothead aspect of him and leaned on it too far, IMHO. He seems to have 100% contempt for everyone in the world except Al, who he only has 50% contempt for. I had occasionally had similar reactions to him that I had to Mustang. Again, Ed had a softer personality in BH that I strongly prefer.  

-This leads into my main complaint about the 03 series...it has a "mean streak", especially in the 2nd half. It's hard to explain, but it's like there's this undercurrent of cynicism that runs through it, and it comes out in the writing, especially in the characters. It gives me the same kind of feeling that I get from things like Game of Thrones or The Walking Dead...this uneasy atmosphere of negativity and bitterness that leaves me feeling kind of gross afterward.  

-Overall, I have mixed feelings about this series. The first half was great! I like the slower pace and the small-scale worldbuilding (I seriously want to take a train ride around Amestris), and the more intimate focus on Ed and Al at the beginning. I like that the writers took the small amount of source material that they had and developed it to its maximum potential. But once they ran out of manga to adapt, I think things slowly went downhill. My enjoyment gradually decreased episode by episode, until I was kind of relieved to reach the end.  

-I'm glad I rewatched this series, since there was a lot that I had forgotten about, and some parts brought back a lot of good memories. The first half will probably go on my regular rewatch list, but I doubt I'll ever want to revisit the 2nd half again. I appreciate the effort they put into this series, and it's definitely worth watching. But overall Brotherhood will stay as my favorite version (and I'll be rewatching that soon too).  

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

Psycho Analysis: The Moonchild

(WARNING! This analysis contains SPOILERS!)

I feel like this one was inevitable. As soon as I decided to bust open the doors on literary mediums like books and comics, this guy was always going to loom over me. Well, let’s just bite the bullet and talk about him. 

In the final portion of The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen: Centuries, we are introduced to Oliver Haddo’s ultimate creation… a creation he is incredibly disappointed in. You see, the Antichrist or Moonchild is a whiny, miserable young adult strung out on prescription drugs because he went mad after realizing what he was being manipulated into. He is the subject of derision by all who know him, and is treated like a punching bag by most of the narrative, up to and including God literally telling him he’s a bitch. Our villain here is just a miserable, whiny, kind of misogynistic brat who doesn’t even want to be a villain, and in general is just unpleasant and ineffective save for a school massacre he pulls off.

Oh yeah, and his real name is Harry Potter. Kind of an important detail, that.

Motivation/Goals: So as the antichrist, you’d think Mr. Potter might, you know, maybe want to bring about the end of days and all that. But no! He actually pops pills and isolates himself in Grimmauld Place so that he doesn’t do that! He doesn’t want to be the Antichrist and, really, who would? Most of his screentime is thus spent whining, until he ultimately decides to embrace being the Antichrist because he feels  he has no other choice. We’ll get into all of that in a bit, but honestly, his motivation is extremely weak despite the incredibly graphic setup we’re given to his downward spiral: when he first discovered he was being manipulated by Satanists, he went on a magical school shooting, shown to us in a first-person perspective to emulate the games that were often blamed for real school shootings. We get to see Harry slaughter Ron, Hermione, Snape, Dumbledore, and so on, we get to see what he did to Hogsmeade and the Hogwarts Express, and absolutely none of it is pleasant. 

With setup like that you’d expect maybe a little more intrigue and indecision, maybe some sort of conflict between fate and choice or something beyond Harry sitting around half-naked, high off of antidepressants, being a whiny little bitch, but you might be giving the dude who wrote a porno where the kids from Peter Pan engage in underage incest a bit too much credit. 

Final Fate: So Harry has gone absolutely bonkers and it seems that nothing can possibly stop him; our heroes seem to be written into a corner. So what does Moore do? He has God - who in this universe is Mary Poppins - descend from the heavens and have her say how she protects the imaginations of children and how she just straight up hates Harry. Never mind that Harry is quite literally an abused child who was twisted by the cruel machinations of a body surfing wizard, apparently he’s a child not worth protecting or caring about and is unworthy of sympathy. Anyway, Mary Poppins just turns him into a chalk drawing and that’s the end of that. 

Great writing, Alan Moore, critically acclaimed creator of Watchmen!

Best Scene: Saying Harry here had a ‘best scene’ is seriously pushing it, because literally every moment he’s on the page the comic just beats you over the head with Moore’s biases. I wish I could put the school shooting sequence, because the idea behind it is legitimately intriguing, but the whole sequence is just interwoven with Moore whacking off his hateboner for the series. But on the subject of boners… well, I think there’s only one panel that can truly and adequately sum up this entire character and how much of a miserable failure he is. Those who have followed me for a long time knew this was coming, but for the rest of you, behold - Harry Potter Dick Lightning:

Final Thoughts & Score: Quite frankly, this is the worst thing Alan Moore has ever done.

I’m not even mad as a fan of Harry Potter; Moore was honestly ahead of his time in hating the franchise to this level. The issue I have is that he doesn’t really deconstruct or criticize in any meaningful way, he just is doing edgy “take that” stuff that you’d expect from a chump like Garth Ennis. Like, the concept here is incredibly solid and intriguing - this version of Harry has been groomed from birth by Satanists to become the Antichrist, with all of his adventures fabricated and all of his relationships manufactured to keep him under the illusion he is a hero to mankind. Upon discovering the truth, he snaps, massacres everyone at his school for their role in his manipulations, and went into exile to stave off the apocalypse, although he ultimately and bitterly accepts his role because he feels he was never given a choice… and he wasn’t! He’s an incredibly depressing and miserable deconstruction of the concept of “The Chosen One,” and yet the whole thing falls apart on multiple levels.

The first is that the Harry Potter franchise already deconstructs the concept of “The Chosen One;” the text goes out of its way to point out that Voldemort’s own actions are what is creating a self-fulfilling prophecy by targeting someone with the will and drive to fight back against him. Harry’s not so much chosen by fate so much as forcibly chosen by an evil manipulator… and that’s basically what we have here, but with less substance. Moore doesn’t really comment on anything, instead leading into the second big issue - Harry’s whole role is to be a strawman punching bag villain so that Moore can complain about modern fantasy franchises. Moore seems to view Harry as the epitome of the lazy regurgitation of the same story over and over that modern blockbuster culture so often falls into… except that Harry Potter was an original product developed by one person and had no artificial longevity slapped onto the franchise in the form of unneeded sequels or spinoffs to extend the lifespan of the franchise at the time Moore wrote this. Throw in the fact Moore just in general seems extremely contemptuous of any post-70s pop culture in Centuries and how Harry is ultimately taken down by crusty old characters from older literature really just leads to Moore coming across as a grumpy old man who hates anything new, not helped by his tired criticisms of millennials and their perceived lack of culture. Maybe Moore would have had more of a point if he created this storyline today, but he didn’t. Thus, he has no point and he just looks like a miserable old fart.

Sure, you can argue that maybe Moore’s basic parody of the character by exaggerating his tendencies to their logical extreme and attacking elements of the plot that had been criticized to death by fans to begin with has its place, and perhaps you could even say that the take in the comic is just an extreme take on how Harry acted in the fifth book, what with the lashing out at his friends and his general feeling of a lack of control, and there is some merit to that, or there would be if Moore’s own unrepentant bias didn’t undermine everything. Look, you can hate Harry Potter, but then why slap it into your work? It’s supremely cringey when people insert characters they hate into fanfiction and just completely derail their characters so that they can treat them like garbage with the narrative, and is that not what Moore did here? Is League not just public domain fanfiction? There’s a reason why I coined “Harry Potter Dick Lightning” as a phrase used to showcase a moment where a fanwork’s contempt for a character becomes so extreme that it not only jumps the shark, it rockets over it into the upper atmosphere. Any criticisms or messages Moore is trying to convey is tarnished by his blatant, seething contempt for the character, and that gets in the way of good writing and good storytelling. Having two characters express pity at having to murder an abused child who was warped by Satanists into being a tool of the apocalypse does not make up for how the narrative constantly mocks, belittles, and treats him like garbage to the point he really can’t function as an effective villain that can be taken seriously.

All of this adds up to what I’d argue is the absolute worst villain in all of fiction, bar none. There is just not a single redeeming quality about the Antichrist as a character. None. Nothing. I cannot think of another villain that so completely fails on every single level as this one does. He doesn’t work as an antagonist because most of the bad things he does are offscreen and he doesn’t come into conflict with the heroes until the very end, and most of his screentime features him doing nothing of note. He doesn’t work as a critique, because he is acting as a criticism for things his character never really represented in the first place. He only really functions as the sort of garbage you’d see in My Immortal, where the characters you know and love are turned into evil jerks because the writer hates them - but he even fails at being that, because at least My Immortal is funny about it! 

I am going out on a limb and saying that there cannot possibly be a villain that so utterly fails at everything it sets out to be as hard as Harry does. I don’t even want to try and believe it. And so, without hesitation, I am giving Moore’s shallow Potter parody a 0/10. And I pray to Mary Poppins that this is the only one of those I ever dish out, because I really don’t want to imagine what could possibly be worse than Harry Potter Dick Lightning.

[sciencespies]

Our Ten Most Popular Stories of 2020

https://sciencespies.com/nature/our-ten-most-popular-stories-of-2020/

Our Ten Most Popular Stories of 2020

SMITHSONIANMAG.COM | Dec. 30, 2020, 7 a.m.

The year 2020 will go down in history as one of the most extraordinary in modern recollection. A devastating pandemic dominated conversations and our coverage, which detailed why the race for a coronavirus vaccine runs on horseshoe crab blood, explained how to avoid misinformation about Covid-19 and drew lessons from the past by examining diaries penned during the 1918 influenza pandemic. This summer, when a series of protests sparked an ongoing reckoning with systemic racism in the United States, we showed how myths about the past shape our present views on race and highlighted little-known stories about the lives and accomplishments of people of color. Toward the end of the year, amid one of the most bitterly divisive elections in recent history, we delved into the lengthy debate over mail-in voting and the origins of presidential concession speeches.

Despite the challenges posed by 2020, Americans still found reasons to celebrate: Ahead of the 100th anniversary of women’s suffrage, we profiled such pioneering figures as Geraldine Ferraro, the first woman nominated as vice president by a major party, and Fannie Lou Hamer, who fought to secure black voting rights. In the cultural sphere, the discovery of dozens of intact Egyptian coffins thrilled and amazed, as did the reemergence of a long-lost Jacob Lawrence painting. From murder hornets to Venice’s new inflatable floodgates, Catherine the Great and the Smithsonian’s new open-access platform, these were Smithsonian magazine’s top ten stories of 2020.

Our most popular story of 2020 underscored the value of skillful art restoration, presenting a welcome counter to the many botched conservation attempts reported in recent years. As the National Museum of Scotland announced this December, experts used a carved porcupine quill—a tool “sharp enough to remove … dirt yet soft enough not to damage the metalwork,” according to a statement—to clean an Anglo-Saxon cross for the first time in more than a millennium. The painstaking process revealed the silver artifact’s gold leaf adornments, as well as its intricate depictions of the four Gospel writers: Saint Matthew as a human, Saint Mark as a lion, Saint Luke as a calf and Saint John as an eagle. Per writer Nora McGreevy, the cross is one of around 100 objects included in the Galloway Hoard, a trove of Viking-era artifacts found by amateur treasure hunters in 2014.

Curators used an improvised tool made of porcupine quill to gently clean the cross, which features engravings of the four Gospel writers.

(National Museums Scotland)

While most of England was on lockdown during the Covid-19 pandemic, archaeologist Matt Champion unwittingly unearthed more than 2,000 artifacts beneath the attic floorboards of Tudor-era Oxburgh Hall. Highlights of the trove included a 600-year-old parchment fragment still adorned with gold leaf and blue lettering, scraps of Tudor and Georgian silks, and pages torn from a 1568 copy of Catholic martyr John Fisher’s The Kynge’s Psalmes. Detailing the find in an August article, McGreevy noted that British nobleman Sir Edmund Bedingfeld commissioned the manor’s construction in 1482; his devoutly Catholic descendants may have used the religious objects found in the attic during secret masses held at a time when such services were outlawed.

In March, when the world was just beginning to understand the novel coronavirus, researchers learned that the SARS-CoV-2 virus—the pathogen that causes Covid-19—survives for days on glass and stainless steel but dies in a matter of hours if it lands on copper. (In later months, scientists would find that airborne transmission of the virus carries the greatest risk of infection, rather than touching contaminated surfaces.) The metal’s antimicrobial powers of copper are nothing new: As Michael G. Schmidt, a microbiologist and immunologist at the Medical University of South Carolina, told writer Jim Morrison this spring, “Copper is truly a gift from Mother Nature in that the human race has been using it for over eight millennia.” Crucially, copper doesn’t simply dispatch unwanted pathogens at an incredibly fast rate. Its bacteria-combating abilities also endure for long stretches of time. When Bill Keevil and his University of Southampton microbiology research team tested old railings at New York City’s Grand Central Terminal several years ago, for instance, they found that the copper worked “just like it did the day it was put in over 100 years ago.”

The Asian giant hornet, the world’s largest hornet, was sighted in North America for the first time.

(Washington State Dept. of Agriculture)

Another unwelcome surprise of 2020 was the rise of the Asian giant hornet, more infamously known as the “murder hornet” due to its ability to massacre entire hives of bees within hours. The first confirmed sightings of the insects in North America occurred in late 2019, but as Floyd Shockley, entomology collections manager at the Smithsonian’s National Museum of Natural History, pointed out in May, observers need not panic, as the hornets don’t realistically pose a threat to human health. Honey bees are more susceptible to the predators, but as Shockley said, “[I]s it going to be global devastation? No.” Still, it’s worth noting that officials in Washington state have since found and eradicated a nest thought to contain about 200 queens. Left unchecked, each of these hornets could have flown off and started a colony of its own. Efforts to contain the invasive species are ongoing.

In October, an engineering feat saved Venice from flooding not once, but twice. The barrier system of 78 giant, inflatable yellow floodgates—known as Mose—can currently be deployed to protect the Italian city from tides measuring up to three-and-a-half feet high. Upon its completion next year, Mose will be able to protect against tides of up to four feet. The floodgates’ installation follows the declaration of a state of emergency in Venice. Last year, the city experienced its worst floods in 50 years, sustaining more than $1 billion in damages and leaving parts of the metropolis under six feet of water. Built on muddy lagoons, Venice battles both a sinking foundation and rising sea levels. Despite the floodgates’ current success, some environmentalists argue that the barriers aren’t a sustainable solution, as they seal off the lagoon entirely, depleting the water’s oxygen and preventing pollution from flowing out.

While Hegra is being promoted to tourists for the first time, the story that still seems to get lost is that of the ancient empire responsible for its existence.

(Royal Commission for AlUla)

Desert-dwelling nomads turned master merchants, the Nabataeans controlled a broad swath of land between the Euphrates River and the Red Sea for some 500 years. But in the millennia following the civilization’s fall in the first century A.D., its culture was almost “lost entirely,” wrote Lauren Keith in November. Today, little written documentation of the Nabataeans survives; instead, archaeologists must draw on clues hidden within the empire’s ruins: namely, two monumental cities carved out of rock. One of these twin settlements—the “Rose City” of Petra in southern Jordan—attracts nearly one million visitors each year. But its sister city of Hegra remains relatively obscure—a fact that Saudi Arabia hopes to change as it shifts focus from oil to tourism. As several scholars told Keith, the Middle Eastern nation’s renewed marketing push represents a chance to learn more about the enigmatic culture. “[Visiting] should evoke in any good tourist with any kind of intellectual curiosity,” said David Graf, a Nabataean specialist, archeologist and professor at the University of Miami. “[W]ho produced these tombs? Who are the people who created Hegra? Where did they come from? How long were they here? To have the context of Hegra is very important.”

The May killing of George Floyd spurred nationwide protests against systemic injustice, acting as a call to action for the reformation of the U.S.’ treatment of black people. As Smithsonian Secretary Lonnie G. Bunch wrote in a short essay published in June, Floyd’s death in police custody forced the country to “confront the reality that, despite gains made in the past 50 years, we are still a nation riven by inequality and racial division.” To reflect this pivotal moment, Smithsonian magazine compiled a collection of resources “designed to foster an equal society, encourage commitment to unbiased choices and promote antiracism in all aspects of life,” according to assistant digital editor Meilan Solly. The resources are organized into six categories: historical context, systemic inequality, anti-black violence, protest, intersectionality, and allyship and education.

Human relationships can be difficult, but at least they don’t involve copulating until your inner organs fail. Yes, you read that correctly—death is the unfortunate fate for the male antechinus, a pint-sized marsupial that literally fornicates until it drops dead. Take similar comfort in the fact that humans don’t need to drink urine to start a relationship, as is the case with giraffes, nor inseminate each other via open wounds, as bed bugs do.

Today, stories of Catherine the Great’s salacious, equine love affairs dominate her legacy. But the reality of the Russian czarina’s life was far more nuanced. Ahead of the release of Hulu’s “The Great,” we explored Catherine’s 30-year reign, from her usurpation of power to her championing of Enlightenment ideals, early support of vaccination and myriad accomplishments in the cultural sphere. As Meilan Solly wrote in May, “Catherine was a woman of contradictions whose brazen exploits have long overshadowed the accomplishments that won her ‘the Great’ moniker in the first place.

For the first time in the 174-year history of the Smithsonian Institution, the organization released 2.8 million images from across all 19 museums, 9 research centers, libraries, archives and the National Zoo into the public domain. This initial release represents just two percent of the Smithsonian’s total collection, which boasts 155 million items and counting. It was part of an ongoing effort to digitize—and democratize—the Institution’s collections.

• An excerpt from Jennet Conant’s new book, The Great Secret: The Classified World War II Disaster That Launched the War on Cancer, in which she details how an investigation into a devastating Allied bombing of an Italian coastal town eventually led to an innovation in cancer treatment.

• A time-capsule story from the end of March about how and when we thought the pandemic might end. We were too optimistic about how long Americans would need to “flatten the curve,” and unmentioned in the story was how soon a vaccine would be developed.

• Another entry in our “True History of” series that looked at Tom Hanks’ World War II film from earlier this year, Greyhound

• An exploration of new research that rewrites the demise of Doggerland, a prehistoric land bridge between Britain and Europe

#Nature

[chromecausation]

why atla’s ending is bad

so this post has likely already been made before, but I’m new to tumblr so what the hell. I recently finished watching atla, and I thoroughly enjoyed the series. This post is in no way about how the series itself is bad; I really did enjoy the series. Rather, it is about how the ending does a grave disservice to aang and the philosophical theories in question.

One of the reasons I love atla is that it is willing to ask the hard psychological questions: the scene in the library about how everybody thinks their war is justified? That is an amazing scene, it recontextualizes the entire series up until that point and forces us to ask: is fighting the fire nation really as justified as we claim? This question is brought up even more as we actually meet people who live within the fire nation: we see that they are not taught history as it actually happened and they are often ruled by fear. They are not the monsters that they seem to be. However, and this is the huge however, atla refuses to actually address the biggest question of the series: is it morally correct to kill someone in the service of a greater good? 

Up until this point in the series, atla mainly avoids this question by making all forms of bending essentially the same: sure, they all have different animations and such, but at the end of the day they all serve as different ways to knock people backwards until everyone is far away enough that they seem defeated. Obviously, this is a children’s show, so it makes sense that they would do this. But, while its ok to knock around enemy henchmen, no one (even kids) is going to buy that one of the greatest firebenders of all time is properly subdued by a kid, especially when aang is shown to be clearly weaker in some of the bending forms than he would like. So, the philosophical question of killing has to be brought to the forefront. However, while the writers seemed to get that killing had to be brought up at some point, they narratively structured the story to prevent the question from actually being brought up at all. 

At the core of this question is the push and pull between consequentialism and deontology, the two major schools of thought on what defines a moral action. Consequentialists (broadly speaking) argue that an action is right if the consequences brought about by that action are right. Deontologists argue (broadly speaking) that an action is right if the action itself is right, regardless of the consequences. This post is not going to go into a full-throated analysis of either philosophy, but will simply state that despite what everyone on the internet likes to claim after having read the trolley problem briefly, there are some legitimate benefits to deontology (and consequentialism can often lead to some things that we would think of as morally dubious.) 

Anyway: suffice it to say, aang is a deontologist. He is focused on doing right actions because they are inherently right, and he doesn’t believe in bending his principles just because it would be convenient or because it could lead to a better outcome in that specific instance. Principles are principles for a reason, goddamnit, if you bend them all the time, how useful are they? And despite the fact that a lot of people here on tumblr would definitely describe themselves as consequentialists, we applaud aang throughout the series for his decisions to be morally upstanding, even when it makes his life harder. 

Here’s the issue though: deontology, even though it has some serious benefits (I am somewhat of a deontologist and pacifist myself) it also has some serious downsides. Sometimes, when you stick to your principles, bad things will happen. Sometimes, those bad things will happen because you weren’t willing to stop them. And while there is a larger argument that can be made about how sticking to what is right leads to a better world overall, that doesn’t help the fact that in the moment, deontology can seem like a really sucky philosophy.

The writers of the show never actually make aang face that issue with deontology, and they trivialize it as a philosophy. Throughout the second half of the third season, aang is portrayed as not having the stomach to kill ozai, or not wanting to do what needs to be done. It is implied that aang is weak for his beliefs, that he must overcome his weakness and pacifism to become the strong avatar the world needs to undo the horrible damage of fire nation imperialism. The issue with this, though, is that it never confronts the actual issue at play? What if (ignoring energy-bending entirely for a second) aang is entirely right to not want to kill ozai? 

I posit that a non-murdery approach to the final battle is the actually correct decision for the world. The fire nation has been steeped in fear and anger for over a century, and their leaders have based all of this division and fear and nationalism on the idea that might makes right, that if you are strong and just and powerful enough, it is your right to spread this glory to the rest of the world. If aang were to beat ozai handily and murder him, all that he would prove is that the firelords were right all along: it is the right of those who have power to control those who are powerless. Aang killing ozai just proves that ozai was right all along. The only way to break the fire nation cycle of fear is to prove that there are other ways to approach conflict, to prove that a non-violent approach is not just preferable to killing someone, but is actually what is necessary for the world to heal and grow?

It is at this point that the readers who have read this far into this abominably long post say, “but wait chromecausation, aang didn’t kill ozai. That was the whole fucking point of the final episode!” And to those of you still reading: kudos, you have my gratitude. My issue is not actually with the ending of the story (despite the title of this piece) but the way that it was presented. 

Because I just recently watched avatar (and I had seen some spoilers earlier on tumblr so i knew that something called energybending was coming), I realized that energybending was introduced AS A CONCEPT in the last 2 episodes, and it was explained as aang was using it to defeat ozai. This is literally the definition of a deus ex machina, a plot device that solves a previously insurmountable problem that arrived out of basically nowhere. I really really hate that the entire conflict of the series is solved through deus ex machina. It cheapens all of the struggles, and it makes the conclusions of the story that much weaker. 

Think of how all of the arguments aang had with sokka, zuko, katara, the other avatars, and like a billion other people would have gone if it were known that energy-bending were a possibility. Instead of being “hey I don’t want to kill the firelord because it is morally wrong, even if that is a more dangerous path to take, but I think it will be better for the world as a whole” it becomes “hey instead of killing the firelord, I would like to take this equally easy option to not kill him but subdue him instead.” (The reason I say equally easy is because killing the firelord is shown to be fucking difficult to do). The existence of energy-bending renders the whole point of the argument moot, because of course in a vacuum it is better to not kill people. (I say of course here because the moral discussion at play is not whether retributive punishment is better than rehabilitative punishment, or whether the death penalty should exist. Those moral discussions rest on the premise that the victim is helpless and we in the position of power must decide their fate. The moral question here is whether aang should try to kill the firelord, because if he tried to hold back with bending so that he didn’t kill ozai, aang might actually lose the fight). Energybending does not exist with enough screen time for us to learn if it has drawbacks or is difficult to do. We are told that it is difficult, but so is killing the firelord during sozin’s comet; we need to actually see it in action first or discuss it ahead of time to actually know what the stakes are. Instead, with it being presented at the last minute, it seems like aang is given a cheat code out of his moral dilemma. He is never forced to confront the actual consequences of pacifism, and is never given the chance to prove why it is a good idea to stick to your principles even when you don’t have a deus ex machina up your sleeve. 

I believe that aang was right to not kill the firelord, but because the mechanism was energybending, it means that aang is never forced to confront the idea that pacifism and deontology require a difficult route and that there is a good chance he will not succeed. Conversely, he is never given the chance to prove how his way of thinking is better for actually breaking the fire nation cycle of fear. Imagine, instead of energybending, aang was forced to learn all of the techniques taught to him by his teachers. When fighting ozai, he must take a heavy blow that he must heal through waterbending he is taught from katara. He is only able to dodge attacks because of the seismic sense from toph, and he must become comfortable enough with fire that he can redirect ozai’s lighting, as shown by zuko. This techniques are shown to be incredibly difficult, and by clearly setting up a path where aang is forced to take the more difficult route in order to stick to his convictions, it would strengthen the moment when he actually does, as well as provide a nice way to remember the journey along the way. If it were shown that aang had a way to kill ozai and chose not to, instead choosing to rely on his skill, it would show that he is committed to his convictions. Instead, the use of energybending almost implies that all of the knowledge up until this point was useless. What is the point of learning to bend if the only way to defeat ozai is through energybending?

Finally, I will say this: aang needed to defeat ozai in a way that did not rely on murder so that he can finally join the ranks of the avatars before him. When conversing with the previous avatars, it is clear that they think that aang should kill ozai. However, the actual words they speak matter too: aang must make a decision, he must serve justice. The other avatars do not actually speak on whether or not aang should kill ozai, but rather they speak to his conviction. Up until this point, aang is a kid who has the world thrust upon his shoulders, and he is trying the best he can, but at the end of the day he is still a kid. He doesn’t want to kill people because the monks told him it was wrong, and while he feels deeply that he wants to uphold that, he also doesn’t want to kill people because he is young and it would scar him. I choose to see the meetings with the avatars not just as them arguing for aang to kill ozai, but them also having a meta discussion with aang: he must make an actual moral commitment, and stick to the path he has chosen. In order to claim the mantle of avatar, he must strike out on his own and become an independent person with independent beliefs who is willing to talk to the avatars as an avatar. When aang walks back from the battle with ozai, he is able to talk to the other avatars on an equal level because he has committed to his own path and succeeded. He is no longer dependent on guidance; even though he is young, he is a fully realized avatar. By introducing energybending, the writers rob aang of that ability. They prevent him from joining the ranks of the avatars as someone deeply committed to pacifism even when there are no more tricks up your sleeve, and this is a damn shame. 

[alwaysspeakshermind]

Top 5 Anti-Varchie Arguments & Why They Make No Sense

#5: “Varchie’s so bland/there’s no chemistry between them at all.”

[Note: I would like to apologize in advance to anyone/everyone upon whose timelines I’m inflicting this series of semi-rant-y posts. Someone on Pinterest felt the urge to leave an outraged comment about why they hate Varchie on one of my pictures (clearly, they confused Pinterest with Twitter/Tumblr/Instagram), and it was so unnecessary and full of all the usual incorrect twaddle I see used on SM to discount A&V’s relationship that it annoyed me and made me decide to go ahead and start writing all the refutations I’ve been keeping to myself since S2 released its first trailer and the essay-length grumbles began. Because as much as I try to steer clear of entering this type of fight, I have trouble standing by when obviously-wrong conclusions are being drawn from obviously-misconstrued information and being presented as fact. And since it doesn’t take me long to write analysis-type posts, my usual ‘I don’t have time for this nonsense’ excuse is kind of removed.]

Right, so…chemistry. Two quick things:

Number one, on-screen chemistry is about rapport between actors, and just because a specific romantic pairing does not personally do it for you does not mean that they lack chemistry. 

Number two, in acting/performance art, chemistry is a tangible, quantifiable aspect necessary to any and all interactions between performers, so it is essentially false to state that any pairing that has made it to TV is utterly without chemistry. For writers to allow a couple to happen at all, for actors to even be cast in the first place, at least some chemistry must be present; it’s simply a matter of what kind of chemistry each pairing has, how much, and how well that chemistry translates onscreen.

Random example: Prior to Friends, Lisa Kudrow (Phoebe) was cast as Roz in Fraiser, but was subsequently replaced with Peri Gilpin because the latter’s onscreen chemistry was better with Kelsey Grammer (Fraiser). It was not a romantic chemistry issue. It was not a no chemistry, period between the actors issue. It was just that there wasn’t enough of the right kind of chemistry, which made the Kudrow/Grammar dynamic less compelling than desired.

Chemistry is, however, notoriously difficult to explain if you’re not familiar with most generally accepted forms of film-criticism, so I feel it’s useless to try proving anything with examples pulled directly from source material—for instance, anyone relatively adept at dissecting performance can see at once how the entire Riverdale pilot showcases the chemistry between Archie and Veronica so that the closet scene feels like a natural culmination of something that began the second they saw each other. If you can watch that episode from start to finish, pronounce “no chemistry” and actually believe it, providing textual evidence and defining terms is going to be a waste of time.

So instead, I’ll take the common sense route and just point out you may rest assured that with Riverdale, a show based in roughly half a century’s worth of comic history, everyone involved in the casting knew going into it that romantic chemistry between the actors playing Archie and Veronica was an absolute must. KJ Apa and Camila Mendes would not be playing the parts they are if they were unable to create any sort of romantic chemistry between them, and S1 would most certainly not have chosen to set up a Varchie relationship from the get-go—much less have continued to emphasize a budding Varchie relationship throughout—if that romantic chemistry had not translated onscreen. Ditto for S2 and S3.

Also, take my word for it: I’m here. It takes a *lot* of chemistry for me to get involved in a ship (to the point that nearly every ship I have ever shipped has involved actors who were married/dating at the time, or eventually married/began dating), and it really takes a lot of chemistry to get me involved with a teen ship because I didn’t like most teen shows back when I was a teen. Yet Varchie’s chemistry popped enough onscreen to reel me in. 

What does all this have to with anything?

Well, in short, claiming Archie and Veronica are “bland” or “without chemistry” is attempting to apply objective terms to a subjective opinion, so if you’re going to do that, it automatically opens your contention up to a couple of counter-arguments:

(1) You are objectively wrong, because by all acting terms/definitions/standards, Archie and Veronica have chemistry. 

(2) You are objectively wrong because you are in essence saying that you do not see/understand the verifiable evidence set before you. (In other words, you have metaphorically gazed upon the color red and announced “this is not red.”)

(3) You are subjectively wrong because you are stating your based-in-subjectivity opinion as fact which inherently implies that you believe subjectivity is allowable in an argument. And if you believe subjectivity is allowable in an argument, than you are essentially contending that someone else’s opposing opinion is just as valid as yours, meaning anyone who says “Varchie has the best chemistry” is just as correct as you are, and your entire point becomes moot. 

Although you may not like Varchie’s dynamic/prefer another dynamic over theirs, attempting to file your dislike under the headings of blandness or zero chemistry simply labels you as someone who either cannot grasp the concept of chemistry in relation to acting, or someone who is too stubborn to admit to its presence. (And to be frank, neither option paints your intelligence in a favorable light.)

Personally, I’d like to think this argument gets used so often because most people just don’t understand what onscreen chemistry truly is/how it can be platonic or sexual and what denotes platonic or sexual/how it can exist between actors who hate each other and not exist between actors who love each other/how it can be organic or crafted through sheer effort, etc. Or that it keeps recurring because people just don’t interact with enough different types of people to understand that certain actions mean different things depending on who’s doing them.

But while I get that people have different preferences when it comes to romantic dynamics and interpret certain actions differently, based on the always-solid-yet-consistently-underrated performances KJ Apa and Camila Mendes have been delivering since the pilot, I have trouble buying that the oft-repeated cry of “no chemistry” is due solely to a feeble understanding of what that term means. Based on the inconsistent scads of oddball scenes/out-of-context facial expressions I’ve seen cited as “proof,” it seems a lot more like this argument is a camouflaged complaint against storylines people would like to have for their favorite couple, or the fact that one romantic trope was chosen over another (both of which are other posts entirely).

So, yeah. Pro-tip: choosing an argument that puts you in the position of disputing readily-observable facts is never the way to go. 

If you hate the Varchie pairing and want to talk about how much you hate it, okay. It’d be a nice gesture if you didn’t do in the Varchie tags or on people’s pictures that were literally only tagged Archie/Veronica which means you had to search those terms to announce your dislike and who on earth deliberately goes looking for things they hate, seriously, go search happy puppies or something instead, I promise it’ll make you feel better. You’re allowed to hate things, and you’re absolutely allowed to irrationally hate things. Just don’t confuse your irrational hatred with reasonable dislike, because the two reactions are not at all interchangeable. 

Also? Maybe don’t try so hard to justify irrational hatred with the ‘Varchie has no chemistry’ argument, because any viewer with a working brain can see at once that the visible evidence simply doesn’t back you up. And citing a source (scenes from the show) that disproves your entire thesis doesn’t exactly lend credence to your assertion.

[true-intha-blu]

In regards to Kwami Buster

Soo...

I have opinions. Shocker. And this episode of Miraculous actually made me want to take about them on tumblr (risky) Disclaimer. I completely understand that Miraculous is made for far younger audience’s and that this is primarily a show for young girls. As such the writer will probably never be what I hope it is as a quarter of a century person. I also understand that Thomas Austruc and the writers constantly get crap from people about various of small nitpicks. I also don’t know the episode order so I do not know what should is being addressed later on or it is mainly spotted around randomly I really like this show and while it not what I expected for what it is. I enjoy. There are limits for what can be told within a 23-minute episode. I also know that regardless of what the Show’s Creator wants to make, things can get into the way in order to make it... ‘marketable’. Mainly. Producers. So I can understand why the concept art days are different  So any complaints I have aren’t really in anger... but in contemplation. There is a bit of frustration. (Also if I see or hear of anyone using this to harass/blame/spread hate to any fan or the show’s creative team, I will tear you a new one. This is never supposed to be used against the writers or ANYONE WHO HAS A DIFFERENT OPINION THAN YOU. DO NOT BE A JERK ABOUT IT!) Season 3 has been pretty darn great. Has a lot potential and lore and all that good stuff. But while watching it, I get been noticing something lacking most episodes.

Something that I originally that made me interested in this show ALL the way back to the Concept Art days. The partnership. The Yin and Yang. 

Remember when Chat sacrificed himself in Timerbreaker? Or in Stormy Weather how both heroes worked to protect each other? each having a shining moment? Remember in Gamer 2.0 Chat’s speech to ladybug about their trust and partnership? Well... doesn’t feel like much when we look at the episodes. I love Marinette/Ladybug. She is a wonderful figure for young girls and others to look up to and a good written female character. But recently that admiration is fading when... every episode she seems to overcome everything usually by herself or with her own ideas. And... I get it. The media is saturated with far too many male characters and I understand the desire to make a prominent female character... Yet... I keep getting that Ladybug solves so many of her problems... far too easily. Even her mistakes seem to pale. Only Lila has given her a problem and it is extremely one-sided and not... well... it just results in salt and that is not a good way to challenge our heroine. With the episode Kwami Buster, she did everything her self and got off with it no sweat. Same with Christmaster and more than a fair share of episodes of Ladybug hardly needing Chat’s actual help or protection or even a second opinion (as chat is always portrayed as wrong/dense) and I feel like he has been reduced to merely an object for the Ladybug Lucky Charm plans.  It Dismissing Chat Noir or Adrien as a viable character with his own development isn't the way to highlight Marinette/Ladybug as a strong role model. The show is Tale of ladybug AND chat Noir. I am fine with Adrien getting less development time in comparison to Marinette but he hasn't had any really except MAYBE puppeteer 2.0. Gabriel and Nathalie of all people have had loads of development time in their short limited screen time. And I get superhero show needs good villains for a good compliment to a hero. But the supposed secondary protagonist? The only real thing I remember Chat doing that didn’t involve him being a pun or  But I am noticing that Hawkmoth and Mayura have a lot better chemistry and teamwork than ladybug and chat noir.  I don’t know if that is an intentional thing on the creators' part or it is merely the comedy role chat has been reduced to. Again to say, I do love Marinette... but I fear at the rate she is going, her solving everything will make her a... Goku. And by Goku I mean, that the characters/plot/slight obstacle that the show presents cannot even be overcome by anyone else and that Marinette/Ladybug is the only one to save the day. The only episodes she really doesn’t is the episodes featuring the other heroes... or at least their introductions. But even then Marinette is the one who asks them in the first place.  

The fact that Fu and the miraculous box and all of that core lore of the story with Fu is only focused on Marinette shows an imbalance of character direction. You could argue that Chat has Hawkmoth as a father is part of that lore... but when was the last time that was actually a thing except for all the way back in season 2 with The Collector that has even been slightly addressed or experimented with? Marinette has done what Chat is supposed to do several times already. Using the power of destruction... and it saddened me or what cemented the imbalance for me was that one backscreen of the two Mouse Marinette's with both the ladybug and black cat miraculous and the two yin and yangs behind her. She has become her own balance, the fact she only needs to rely on herself to defeat a villain... just... kinda subsided Chat in one of his roles. I’m fine Ladybug getting shinning moments. But the fact that Chat has never really had one, never really was the cause for a brilliant idea or directly responsible for defeating the akuma (maybe there was one but for the life of me I cannot recall it despite recently re-watching the episodes). I don’t mind him taking a back row and being the support to ladybug but maybe a few episodes of where Chat is equal to Ladybug, like back in Stormy weather where each other were bailing their partner out in different situations would be nice. I wanted the Kwami Swap episode to be this, but instead, I had Adrien being Trademark Dense Boy and Marinette doing the work and her solving the problem while doing nearly everything Chat did perfectly. In essence... I am fine with Marinette succeeding. But I would like Chat to do so as well. I do not want a Kim Possible and Ron Stoppable dynamic. Not when Chat Noir is literally half of the show’s title. I want to seem them as partners, Ladybug Asking Chat what to do on certain situations and Chat being the support for Ladybug. Not just puns for Chat and Ladybug always knowing exactly what to do. Maybe this will be addressed later on, maybe the show writers will address this. Maybe I am being delusional and missing the whole point of the show. I honestly hope I am wrong with this. But from what I have seen, it is a regression of Adrien. A sheltered lad who has been emotionally abused by his father and people around him and is forced to wear a perfect mask every day while Chat Noir is his only way of freedom. In Stairtrain, I was happy to see a small development of him breaking the rules... but it is not much further than that. Note: I do not expect this show to be very angsty or dark or turbulent in the emotions and development. Something would be nice though. I would like Chat to be more rebellious against authority, including Ladybug when he thinks she is wrong (which sometimes she should be, it is good for characters to be wrong) And to extent Fu. Maybe I want Chat to start distrusting people and Adrien to grow more snappy and rueful at his situation. Maybe I want him to have a very deep talk to Ladybug as Chat about his lack of input on things, or a moment of her plans using him as one of the parts of her Luck Charm just doesn’t work out because it just doesn’t. I like both characters, but I do not like where only one character shines and the other gets regulated to mere standby unless needed. Already the fandom just regulates chat into dumb tropes and memes because that is all we see of him in the show. I like his playful side, but I know and have seen in the first season he is more than that. I hope Chat Blanc may address this. But I doubt it. Oh well, I’ll keep watching the show. I still like it. What do you guys think? I’m just seeing to much into the situation? Am I not being feminist enough to only want the girl to succeed and that the male deuteragonist should just be regulated for comedy and merely a character for several girls' affections? And once again, I do not hate any character in the show and this is not an Anti Miraculous team post either. I am merely throwing a few thoughts out (and a few frustrations) and this is in no way a ‘Meta’ post. If anyone has specific moments for or against this. Go ahead. I am interested to learn. Just keep it polite people And if you don’t like Miraculous and think I should drop the show... No.

[arbeaone]

The Skinny Magazine Published on May 01, 2017

[ View larger version here ] Text from the article can be read below. (There may be some errors.)

The Mighty Barratt

Beloved curmudgeonly comic Julian Barratt makes a jump to the big screen with the endearingly silly Mindhorn, in which he plays a washed-up actor caught up in a murder plot. He talks about the pomposity of actors and a possible return of The Mighty Boosh

Interview: Jamie Dunn

Movie actors are a funny old lot. Essentially they're big kids who've been paid handsomely to raid the dressing up box, but to hear them talk you'd think they were curing cancer. Comedian, musician, writer and actor Julian Barratt finds his fellow thespians' self-importance endlessly hilarious. "It’s so hard to not sound like an arse when you talk about acting,” he says down the phone from London. “So it's a very rich territory for comedy.” You can see this self-seriousness at work on shows like Inside the Actors Studio and those round table discussions The Hollywood Reporter do around the time of the Oscars. “Oh, those round tables are just great,” Barratt chuckles. “They're full of people trying to make out they don't care about acting and it’s just a job. ‘We're just like plumbers, but working with different materials; the plumber works with pipes, I work with human emotions.' Or when you talk about how privileged you are to work with whoever - even that comes across as annoying."

Barratt channels some of this pomposity into Richard Thorncroft, the protagonist of Mindhorn, his inspired new comedy, which he co-wrote with Simon Farnaby. At the start of the film we discover Thorncroft enjoyed some low-level fame in the 80s as the title star of Mindhorn, a cheesy detective show in which the titular sleuth uses his bionic eye to literally see the truth; his ocular gift helped him interrogate bad guys, but it also came in handy while seducing women. We see snippets of the show - which comes across like a mashup of Bergerac and The Six Million Dollar Man - throughout this feature-length comedy, but the majority of the action takes place in the modern day, where Thorncroft has become a grotesque has-been; overweight and toupeed, he reaches a career nadir when he loses his latest gig, a TV ad for orthopaedic socks, to John Nettles (of Bergerac fame).

Thorncroft is a joke, but Barratt can certainly empathise. “He is very much a version of me after a couple of bad decisions,” laughs Barratt. He reckons at actors are a few poor choices away from Thorncroft’s predicament. "I don't think it takes much: make the wrong career move here and there, and a couple of bad relationships, and suddenly you're on your own and you're grasping at straws.”

Barratt is being modest, surely. The 48-year-old has been a key player in some of the 21st century's most feverishly adored British comedies. With Noel Fielding he created the wildly surreal The Mighty Boosh, in which he played “jazz maverick” Howard Moon, a character even more pompous than Richard Thorncroft. Then there’s Dan Ashcroft, the self-loathing journalist who finds himself inside a maelstrom of idiocy in East London's hipster scene as depicted in Chris Morris and Charlie Brooker’s prescient sitcom Nathan Barley. He also had a recurring role in spoof supernatural medical drama Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace. And that’s not to mention Will Sharpe's brilliant Channel 4 show Flowers, from last year, in which Barratt gave his darkest- and finest- performance yet as a suicidal children’s book author.

Despite this success, Barratt insists a Richard Thorncroft-style fall from grace is a real worry. “Sure, I've made shows that have connected and that I'm very proud of, but you're always trying to think of the next thing you're going to do. You have to keep asking, 'Do I still have it in me to do another thing that people want?' I have friends who never got into show business at all, and they have proper jobs - they do their job and they're not constantly thinking, 'What can I do next?' 'How can I make it valid?’ ‘Is this going to work?’ 'Are people going to be interested?’ They just do a job and then at the end of the week they turn off and go out. I sometimes envy them that sort of life.”

We're glad he's stuck with comedy, as Mindhorn contains some of Barratt's most gut-bustingly funny material. With his career in the toilet, Richard Thorncroft is given a reprieve. When a deranged serial killer on the Isle of Man tells the police he’ll negotiate, but only with Mindhorn, whom he believes to be a real detective, Thorncroft is given a cushy gig resurrecting his old character to try and solve the murders. Files the film with ¡Three Amigos!, Galaxy Quest and Tropic Thunder, the other great comedies about actors being mistaken for their characters and pulled into real-life peril. The initial idea came from Barratt’s friend and co-star Simon Farnaby. “Really nerdy fans of The Mighty Boosh will know that Mindhorn is the name of a half-man, half-fish creature that appears in one of the Boosh's songs,” Farnaby explains when we meet him in Glasgow ahead of the film’s Scottish premiere at Glasgow Film Festival. “He's very obscure, he appears in one of the songs from the radio show, I think. Julian had given me the CD and I heard the name Mindhorn and I just wrote it down because it sounded like an 80s detective show, you know, these one word shows like Wycliffe or Spender.”

The pair clearly love this very particular genre; you have to love something to satirise it as well as Barratt and Farnaby do in Mindhorn. But the film isn't simply a nostalgic piss-take in the mould of, say, MacGruber, Will Forte’s hilariously crude parody of MacGyver, the action-adventure American equivalent of the shows Mindhorn send up. Barratt came up with the twist that the films should be about the actor who used to be in Mindhorn, and Richard Thorncroft was born. This was over a decade ago. "Originally Julian thought he was too young to play Thorncroft,” says Farnaby. “Whoever played the character had to be old enough to be believable as an aging has-been. We thought: let's get someone like Ben Kingsley to do it!” But so slow was the writing process that Barratt soon found he was approaching the perfect vintage to take on the role. “He likes to tell people he put on weight for the part,” chuckles Farnaby, “but he didn't, he just carried on doing what he normally does.”

Barratt is far more complimentary about his writing partner: "Simon is great because he's very pragmatic. He's great at just getting to the end of things. I'll get really caught up with the problems and the details, agonise over them a lot, so we were a good team." How does he feel about writing on his own?” "I can’t stand it to be honest. I'll do it. I mean, I like to write with someone and then go off and write a bit on my own and bring it back. But writing on your own is lonely, it’s bloody awful."

Talking of writing partnerships, Barratt is still best known for his wildly inventive stage show and BBC sitcom The Mighty Boosh, which he co-wrote and co-starred in with Noel Fielding. It was a classic chalk and cheese double act: Fielding's Vince Noir was a glam rock dadaist with a child-like spirit of adventure while Barratt’s Howard Moon was a curmudgeonly jazz-enthusiast and the butt of almost every joke. Rumours of a revival, or even a feature-length project, have been floating around since the pair's last official Boosh performance in 2009.

Barratt sounds open to the idea. "I don’t want to start any rumours, but we never finished with the Boosh," he says. "We parked it essentially. So it's like a crazy old car that we drove around in, and it’s still there. We could get it out, we could look at it, try and get the engine going again, give it a new coat of paint. Sometimes you think it’s best just to leave something where it was and not try and recreate that magic, but who knows?" He gives a long pause and chuckles. 'We'll probably run out of money at some point and you'll see us doing it.”

[kkruml]

407: Down the Rabbit Hole

My thoughts below the cut. Some spoilers ahead, but this isn’t a play by play of the episode. 

I’m gonna write about characters I didn’t expect to ever write about again, so ye be warned now if you’d like to wait and watch the episode.

I had a lot of thoughts. For anyone who cares to know, this is where I ended with episode 407 “Down the Rabbit Hole.”

Brianna.

I thought Sophie gave her strongest performance by far in this episode. It was up to her to carry the episode, and by most accounts, I thought she hit all the necessary notes.

Brianna went through a lot this episode, starting at the beginning with her busted ankle (I’ve already seen a few side by side comparisons of Bree falling down the hill with Claire from 101- well done y’all).

Watching her stick her foot in the freezing water made me grateful for my SmartWool socks, and I saw it as a nice little nod to little first aid tricks she likely learned from her mother.

She’s resourceful.

That was a vast landscape she had to navigate- but seeing as she’s both Claire and Jamie’s daughter, I was fully engaged in watching her survive until she found the plume of chimney smoke in the distance.

She just looks RIGHT in this time period. Dinna fight me on this.

I liked seeing her in 18th century garb, I really did. In the books, Claire goes back through the stones in a flimsy dress- not the bat suit. I liked how they kept Bree’s original time-traveling garb. Giving her Marsali’s clothing felt fitting and a nice little sneak peak at future episodes, and the relationships she’s going to be forging in North Carolina.

Also- DEM CURLS. FINALLY we get to see both Jamie and Claire’s genetics come through in her curly red mop.SPEAKING OF WHICH- Considering just how much she’s supposed to look and act like Jamie, I’m a bit flummoxed (yep I said that word) that NO ONE seems to make the connection.

Frank.

To be honest, having flashback with Bree and Frank helped round out her character. To me, she’s been a bit “flat” thus far and this helped flesh out her frame of mind, to make her more three dimensional.

I’m not on the Frank-loving train by any means, but his character is complicated and so was his relationship to not only Claire, but to Brianna as well.  Focusing an episode on Bree means we need to know more of her backstory, including the relationship between her and the only dad she knew as she comes to terms with meeting Jamie. 

Side note, I did actually like the last scene with Frank and Bree in the car- we get a bit more back-fill as to what happened after his last fight with Claire. If you have any sympathy for Frank, this was a heartbreaking final moment between him and the daughter he loves and raised.

The writers talked about fan commentary on Frank- they knew this was a risk considering literally NO ONE besides RDM really loves seeing that character on screen- especially when the character has already been killed off. If they were going to bring him back, I think they handled it as best they could.

BUT ENOUGH. Dude is gone, please stop bringing him back.

Leg Hair.

Initially waking up and seeing Leg Hair was intriguing for me. Having seen that Laura wasn’t available to play Jenny for these scenes, I had time to prepare that SOMETHING was going to be different. What I quickly found though, is that 5 minutes tops would have been enough for Brianna to have learned about Jamie’s marriage to her and that Leg Hair was the reason Claire almost burned as a witch. I didn’t need half an episode hearing her fantasies about how happy they were together, and how Claire was a whore.

I did, however, rewind the scene in the kitchen where it unfolded and Leg Hair’s true colors came out. I thoroughly enjoyed seeing little bits of Claire come out as Brianna called Leg Hair on her shit.  

Ian.

(JENNY I MISSED YOU- IF YOU CAN HEAR ME, I NEED YOU BACK IN THIS STORY)

I NEEEEEEEDED more of Brianna and Ian. 

There were certain aspects of the story I think they definitely could have given to Ian in place of Jenny. He’s established in the story and fans LOVE him (even if it’s just me- the love is REAL and it’s DEEP, okay?)

I needed more moments of him talking about Ian’s gratitude that Jamie DID get to be a father. To hear about the smaller details of Jamie’s personality and his life’s journey from someone who’s been by his side from the beginning (including fighting by his side in war). To hear stories about Jamie and Claire together, about Gatherings at Lallybroch, about Claire helping Jenny give birth. How she told them to plant potatoes that ended up saving them through the famine.

Ian LOVED Claire, he saw how broken Jamie was after she left (”Claire was your heart”). He just could have.... GIVEN SO MUCH.

His reunion with Claire after 20 years was so heartfelt and awe-inspiring.

He sees both Claire and Jamie in Brianna. He’s literally known about her for all of 30 seconds and he loves her so much already.

I needed MORE of this. I feel really cheated here.

Bonnet

He’s already been established as a sociopath. I personally didn’t need to see him throw a child overboard (note to writers-no need to hit me over the head with his ruthlessness. I GET IT.) I think this was meant to contrast with season 3 and how “Captain Leonard” (ILY LJG) handled an outbreak on a ship. That his leadership is so off kilter for what normal protocol would be. (I might be wrong but this is like the ONLY reasoning I can find).

Roger.

I DID however like to see the shift in Roger’s demeanor and fire in him as he steps out of the “stuffy historian professor” role. He needs to get to NC, and he’s doing it for Brianna. I hate that he’s on Bonnet’s boat. I know this is the start to a REALLY rough ride for his character, and it’s not going to be easy- It’s already gut wrenching to watch.

RIP THAT BEARD THO.

SO...

SO next week, according to the trailer, is more journey for Brianna and Roger. I don’t have high hopes we will see much of Jamie, Claire, or anything on the ridge. I really hope the writers focus more on the important aspects of the story line (get thee to the ridge with yer mam’s ring, Bree!), and ditch the problematic issues both from the source material and the show’s adaptation (ye ken my meaning, aye?).

This episode had little notes of Outlander in it, but I really felt like the risks the writers took with their decisions unfortunately  just didn’t serve the story well overall.