#the worst part of it is that i convince myself she isn’t that bad so i just forgive her | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

kidrauhlschik · 1 year ago

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Stray Kids as Sad Songs

Maknae Line

Han - Iris (The Goo Goo Dolls)

"And I don't want world to see me

'Cause I don't think that they'd understand"

It's no secret that Jisung struggles with his mental health. He always has and he's convinced that he always will. His anxiety makes him feel different from other people in the worst way possible.

His life got to the point where he is constantly on the edge, it is simply what he's used to. So, when you came into his life, the anxiety you caused him felt like home.

Everyone around him could tell that he was hurting and his life kept going from bad to worse, but he always failed to see your wrongs and flaws. To him you were perfect. You could see him for what he was and kept him grounded.

"When Everything is meant to be broken

I just want you to know who I am"

It's fine if you broke him down whenever he's happy. You were just protecting him for something worse. It's better to fall from a one story building rather than a fifteen story hotel. At least, that's what he always told himself.

Whenever he would approach you with the biggest smile on his face, beaming with excitement to show you a new song he composed, it was only normal for you to point out the flaws in his work. You were just watching out for him.

Afterall, he can't ever do anything right.

"And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming

Or the moment of truth in your lies"

Whenever he would doubt your words of love, he always remembers that his anxiety is probably the reason he would ever doubt you. You would never lie to him right? You loved Jisung.

You loved him so much that whenever he would have a panic attack, you would dig your nails into his wrists to help him.

Once you drew blood he was finally able to breathe.

He loves you so much because you love him enough.

"Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive"

Felix - Evergreen (Omar Apollo)

"Was there something wrong with my body?"

While staring at the bottom of the glass, he ponders. Was it him? Were you right? He already had body dysmorphia. He already hated himself for the most part, but you made it so much worse.

He can remember fasting for three days, but he never got hungry. He only felt pride when the numbers in the scale dropped.

“She’s going to love me more.” is what he would tell himself as he pinched his gut.

The members were getting concerned. Felix had always been a small guy, but now he was skin and bones. If only he had told them the truth. They would have helped had he revealed what went on at home. If only they knew the names you would call him or the way that you’d treat him.

"Am I not what you wanted, babe?"

He tried so hard to be perfect for you, but it was never enough. Every time he looked in the mirror, he could see everything you would see as well. He had bad skin, his freckles were ugly, his eyes were too small, his face was too chubby, maybe you were right. Maybe he was so unlovable that he could only blame himself for the way that would treat him.

Maybe if he had been better, or stronger, or perfect. Maybe then, you’d still be with him.

He could only blame himself the night you left him.

If he was good enough. You’d still be there.

"I've cried, I've cried so much for you, baby"

Yet, he can admit how cruel you were. He can finally say that he doesn’t love you anymore, but the damage you cause ran deep. As awful as you were to him, he only felt resentment towards himself.

He doesn’t know who he hates more. You or him?

"You know you really made me hate myself"

If only he could disappear. He’d stop being an inconvenience to everyone. Maybe if he was dead, people would finally love him. There isn’t anything to hate if he can’t be a burden anymore.

He felt bad for his friends. You were probably right by telling him that they were only his friends out of pity.

That’s why he cut everyone off. They didn’t fight to keep the friendship. They were probably glad he took himself out of their lives.

Looking back, they always liked you. You were a different person when you were with them. Maybe he’s so hateful, that he caused you to hate him as well. What other explanation could there be for your treatment?

"Had to stop before I'd break myself"

He knows that he was slowly killing himself because of you. He wasn’t eating anymore, he was too fat. He never left the house anymore, what if someone saw his face? He didn’t have friends anymore, they don’t deserve to have to deal with him. He was drinking himself to sleep every night, it’s the only way he could cope.

At the end of the day, all he wanted what your approval. That’s the reason he sits alone at the bar. Maybe one day, if he became perfect, you’d love him again and he would finally be good enough for you.

"You didn't deserve me at all"

Seungmin - I Wish You Cheated (Alexander Stewart)

"Wondering where it all went wrong"

The road was dark and empty, which made it easier to speed. The music was unbearably loud, but that was fine. Seungmin didn’t want to hear his own thoughts.

What did he do wrong? He was the perfect boyfriend, wasn’t he?

To this day, he still loves you. He loved the way your eyes would glimmer when he walked through the door. He loved your bright smile when you spoke about something you loved. He loved everything about you, which makes things so much harder for him.

"I just need someone to hate"

How he wished that he could hate you. It truly pisses him off to think about you, but you’re always in his mind. The only thing he feels when he sees your face in his thoughts is heartache.

Even now, when his tears are making it hard to see the road, his only wish was for you to be there next to him.

"You and your goddam honesty"

Why were you always so blunt? Why couldn’t you just let him live in his delusions?

“I don’t love you anymore.” Were the last words you said to him before you cut the line.

You had blocked him on everything and told all of your friends to do the same, so closure was never an option.

He asked himself, how long can the pain last?

The pain had been his neighbor for the past six months. Maybe if he had gotten closure, or maybe if he knew what your reason had been, then he could rest.

All he had were good memories of the two of you. Which makes things so much worse.

Had you two argued, had he messed up, or had you found someone else, he would understand. He had absolutely nothing but questions.

"I wish you would have cheated"

What does he tell his friends and family?

Everyone knew of you. So what should his answer be when people ask about you? He doesn’t even know what happened.

He wonders what your reply to that question is. Do you tell people that there was fight? Do you tell everyone that Seungmin was a bad boyfriend? Or do you tell everyone the truth that he will never know?

"I wish I had a reason I could hate your guts for leaving"

If only you had cheated on him. He would be over you by now. Hatred instead of confusion. Was that too much to ask?

He wondered if his never ending list of questions would ever be answered. Was he going to grow old, never know the reason why the one that got away, left him?

Whatever happened to “together forever”?

A humorless chuckle escaped his lips at the absurdity of it all. After all, love is nothing but a joke.

"I wish you were the villain"

If love was real, you would still be with him. Had the promises meant nothing to you?

No matter what perspective in which he would try to read the situation, could help him. Unanswered questions and spilled tears is all he would ever have.

Even if he were to move on one day, you would always cloud the deepest side of his brain. After all, he still loved you. He just wished he knew the reason why you didn’t love him anymore.

"But you did nothing wrong"

I.N. - As the World Caves In (Matt Maltese)

"We're drunk a couple bottles, babe

and set our grief aside"

Alcohol always relieves the stress, which is exactly what the two of you needed.

Why cry when you could be making jokes about the situation?

The two of you were the only ones that knew about what was going to happen.

If it was up to you, you would be alone right now, but Jeongin insisted that it was this or nothing.

As selfish as you felt, you’re glad that he’s there with you. No one wants to be alone at moments like this one. No one wants to die alone.

"Here it is, our final night alive"

You had been diagnosed with stage four brain cancer three months ago. There was nothing medicine could do for you anymore. Which is what made you decide, that if you’re were going to go, it had to be on your own terms.

You had wanted to do it without Jeongin, but he was the one to bring it up first.

“I would rather die than to live in a world without you in it.” You tried to talk him out of it. You told him how foolish it was. He could move on. You wanted him to move on, you wanted him to grow old with a healthy girl who loved him as much as you did. You wanted him to have a family and to live the rest of his life with joy and laughter. Yet, he had other plans.

"And as the Earth runs to the ground

Oh, girl it's you that I lie with"

“We go out together or I go alone right after.” Was his ultimatum. You never agreed with the idea, but you know Jeongin.

“I pinky promise you right now. Whether it’s heaven or hell, I will find you.” His smile quavers a little with what you hope is doubt.

“Innie. Please stay back… I’m begging you to live.” The tears are now freely rolling down your face as you turn to look at him.

He holds your hand and gives it a slow kiss. “I’m not going to live without you. We said that we would be together forever and that’s what we’re going to do.” Nothing but determination drips with every word.

“Jeongin. I don’t-“ He cuts you off with a gentle kiss.

“I’m sorry, but im doing this whether you want me to or not.” A sad smile plays on his lips. Why is he so stubborn?

"As the world, as the world caves in"

Looking into his eyes in the middle of the night is the only think keeping you calm at this point. Hand in hand, all you can think about is how lucky you are, and how unlucky he is. Why couldn’t he be with someone healthy? Someone who could be with him in sickness and in health. Instead, he ended up with a cancer ridden girl that given the chance she would have chosen to die, sick or not.

"Oh we're going out in style, babe"

He tightens his grip on you hand and steps on the gas. Once the car is going fast enough for it to fly off the cliff on its own, he turns to you and holds your face in both hands.

“I love you.”

With a sob you’re able to respond, “I love you more.”

The sight of each other is the last thing either of you see before the world goes dark.

"Yes, it's you I welcome death with"

I wrote this on mobile so it might be funky and it’s definitely not proofread. Thanks for reading tho! ♥️

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bugtransport · 2 years ago

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Kamen Rider X Finished February 14th, 2023

Here's your warning now: this one also got away from me. I BROKE 4k...

Kamen Rider X is… a show!

Look. I don’t know how to start this. I don’t know how many of you have seen this show. I don’t know how many of you saw me lose my fucking mind when I watched the first two episodes of this one. I had to kick myself out of the house and go get a breath of fresh air and went to H Mart and bought a shitton of side dishes. Just to cope, you know? Sometimes you need some fish cakes, for the soul. I ate great that whole week but that’s besides the point. X does have what I myself would describe as “a beginning” so let’s just recap that first, I guess, because it sure kicks the show off.

Pictured: welcome to Wet Boy Wonderland.

PART ONE: SETUP!

Before we begin fully: I think I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that there are… a couple issues with and themes in this show that I appreciated having a heads up on before I got to them. I think that what I might have to say might come off as far too complimentary without this disclaimer and to spoil my final conclusion, my actual feelings are a little mixed. We’ll be touching on this later with how it ties into what my thesis ends up being, but there’s a switch in the theme of the monsters part way through the show from Greek Mythology to Various Bad Guys In History and the thing about various bad guys in history and also shows that are made in, let I remind you, the 70s, is that sometimes things can be… well, I’ll be blunt. There’s a pretty racist caricature in there and some of the picks can be a little off color and also there’s Starfish Hitler which does feature swastikas and was a decision that the boys and I dubbed “sure a choice.” I mean yeah, he gets killed like all the other bad guys do, but still. Do you know the experience of watching Aristocats for the first time as an adult and being like “Hmm, I really do not remember this weird racist scene in the middle of this film, what the fuck? I mean I guess it was a different time, but still…” That’s kind of what this feels like in spots. Jin Keisuke also has maybe the world’s worst dad. This is a guy who seems to have decided that a “signs of parental abuse” checklist is a game of bingo and that somehow it can be won. This is most apparent during the first couple episodes for reasons you’ll see in like, a minute or so if you read at the same speed I do or faster, but it flavors the entire show in a way I’ll hopefully convince you of by the end. Trust me on this one. Those are the two big disclaimers I have out of the way; if either of those are non-negotiable issues for you, I recommend not finishing this and watching something that isn’t Kamen Rider X. For the rest of you? Buckle up.

Here’s (roughly) what happens in the first two episodes of X. Jin Keisuke comes back home for a visit. He gets jumped by some goons at the boat docks who want to kidnap him because of his dad and gets shot at and falls into the water. He gets out of the water and reconnects with his… fiancee? I think? Keisuke goes to visit his father at his lab in a seaside cave, says that again, dad, he has no interest in going into science, and gets promptly judo thrown in response. His dad then tells him to put on a vest, which he does. Keisuke and his fiancee (?) go out to eat dinner and she tries to guilt him into sticking around because his dad is lonely. Keisuke gets a message saying that GOD is coming to fuck his shit up. Oh, right, GOD is the name of the bad guy organization in this one. Just roll with it... Neptune and the goons (great band name, the more that I think about it) overthrow a ship. Keisuke’s fiancee comes to visit them at the cave-lab; Keisuke’s dad shoots his son. This is okay because it turns out that the vest was bulletproof. Everyone laughs at this. Keisuke presumably goes to sleep at some point after this but gets woken up in the middle of the night and attacked by some goons and oh look, one of them happens to be his fiancee! What a surprise! Keisuke rushes to his dad’s side to find the guy bleeding out on the rocks in front of his cave-lab. Goons pop up and shoot him too, killing him. Keisuke’s dad has enough fight left in him to drag his son into his cave-lab and borg him and somehow get him onto a boat, where Keisuke wakes up after an indeterminate amount of time, surprised to be alive. Keisuke’s dad left a message for him telling that he built a supercomputer that is also an island (the Jin Station) to house his consciousness on a computer now that he’s dead. He gives Keisuke a bike and a quick rundown on how to become the X Rider and then asks Keisuke to explode his corpse for him. He does this. There’s a flashback of Keisuke as a kid running to his dad and his dad grabbing him and just fucking slamming the kid down. Keisuke goes off and defeats Neptune and the goons and gets helped by a woman who looks exactly like his fiancee but isn’t actually her, who gives no explanation as to why this is the case.

…So that’s episode one.

Pictured: father-son bonding at its finest!

I’ll make episode two shorter: Keisuke has another run in with his fiancee and her doppelganger which doesn’t explain anything either. Our monster of the week plotline is about a kid whose dad was just killed in a car accident a couple weeks ago and who apparently fought with his dad a lot and doesn’t know how to deal with the guilt that comes from that. Keisuke tries to protect this kid from misinformed townspeople who think that he’s hypnotizing people and the fact that he’s a borg starts to sink in. Keisuke goes back to the Jin Station to experience his first bout of borg angst with some support from his computer-father, whose response to his son wanting comfort is to call him a weak bitch and tell him that he can’t rely on anyone, he has to fight alone, and insist that Keisuke blow up the Jin Station, killing him again. This happens. Keisuke manages to convince the public that the boy was being slandered by GOD and that he wasn’t actually hypnotizing people. He then beats up the guy actually responsible. Keisuke comforts the kid by straightening out his flute, which got bent in the fight, and contemplates that maybe there are some good things about being a borg after all.

Pictured: I might have understated exactly how the stages of grief impacted him on this one here.

If you think I'm exaggerating anything here you're more than welcome to fact check me. These first two episodes are available for free on the Toei Youtube channel, go ham! Good luck.

In any case, you might be seeing a theme emerging here. Don’t worry, we’ll get to that in just a minute. There’s a little bit of contrasting that I want to do first with the previous riders. Jin Keisuke is pretty different than the guys that we’ve had before and is especially jarring coming off of a dude like Kazami Shiro. Keisuke’s wet. He doesn’t have a support network like even Hongo did with at least knowing Tachibana from the start. Hell, it’s debatable that the guy even knows Kamen Riders are like, a thing, and not just some random shit his dad made up. He certainly doesn’t know them personally like Hongo was able to make sure both Hayato and Kazami did from the start. There’s a vague kind of uncertainty undercutting everything that Jin Keisuke does as a borg because he wasn’t borged in the same way that the other previous riders were. It was by someone who he ostensibly should be able to trust (unlike Hongo and Hayato) and for a fight that wasn’t at all his (unlike Kazami) and in a way that, because of these facts, comes off as more malicious and personal than Shocker’s sterile, random cruelty and while yes, his dad was technically saving his life, it doesn’t really seem to come from a place of kindness. It really comes off like his dad wanted to have just another way to control him after he was gone and when he realized that his son was still something that he viewed as “weak,” died to save himself the embarrassment. He explicitly requested that Keisuke not lean on anyone and instead take on the fight himself, despite doing exactly the opposite of that in giving the fight over to his son in the first place. What a hypocritical ass.

It’s not just that – there’s the way that he fights with a weapon, kind of like Riderman, but essentially fences, which is so unlike any of the boys previously. He just kind of coincidentally falls into fighting GODborgs for the first part of the show with no real rhyme or reason, not with any plan, not necessarily being targeted by them even, really not seeming like he has any stake in the fight at all. He kind of doesn’t. Everyone else had some kind of personal vendetta and sure, GOD killed his dad the first time around, but Keisuke also got asked by his computer-dad to kill him, and he did. So. I mean, he could have just kept his dad alive that way. This is explicitly not his fight. He just kind of ended up here. Once the show gets going and Jin Keisuke gets into the swing of things and we start getting back into something that feels… a bit more like the previous Rider seasons, there’s still this odd disbelief in his abilities that all the characters, including Tachibana and the rest of his allies, approach Keisuke with. With Kazami, he’d do completely off the wall shit and everyone would be like “haha, that’s our guy!” Keisuke will play dead to try and throw someone off his tracks and go a little overboard with the fake blood or something and it’ll work, but in the same breath Tachibana will just look at him all confused and question why on earth he decided to go that way in the first place. I feel like I’m going full Pepe Syliva; is this not meant to mirror his father’s disbelief in his son’s abilities/path in life and the subsequent control that he tried to push onto him? In fact, there’s really only one character who I can think of who doesn’t underestimate him near constantly: Apollo Geist, baby.

Pictured: the creature in question

PART TWO: Fuck it, call me a Jin Keisuke apollogeist

Sorry, I had to fit that joke in here somewhere. I’ve been trying for weeks to make it work. Apollo Geist is the leader of GOD’s secret police, a position that is basically analogous to any of the other commanders that we’ve seen before. Weekly monster gets sent out, he’s the one above them in the ranks so he oversees their progress, critiques them, ends up 1v1ing the rider at some point, gets their shit kicked in. We’ve seen this before, we’ve loved this before, it works so well and I think it’s definitely something that the beginning episodes were lacking. We have to get some structure in these evil organizations in order to be able to even start to think about tearing them down. Though – because of the aforementioned constant and relentless underestimating of Jin Keisuke, when Apollo Geist appears and becomes obsessed with taking him down and claims that he’s the only one who can actually defeat the rider and stands on cliffsides watching him fight it really comes off as way more personal than anyone else we’ve had before. He can transform, not really into a monster, but into something way closer to X or any of the riders than we’ve had with anyone else previously. Apollo Geist feels like he’s set up to be Jin Keisuke’s equal, and it’s mad yaoi.

Oh yeah, and totally forgot about this until I was looking back through my caps to write this, but Keisuke’s fiancee? Yeah, she was trying to do like whole double agent thing with her twin (who was the other one who looked like her) and it didn’t work out and she exploded mere minutes before Apollo Geist was introduced for the first time. She never really gets mentioned again. But that does leave the spot for a romantic interest open…

Pictured: special friends...

So. What the hell else am I supposed to think. Like, sorry, the man butts into pretty much every fight because he doesn’t trust his lackeys with this man. He wants to take X down in a way that’s satisfying to him. He checks in with Tachibana when Jin Keisuke fakes his death without telling him that he’s with GOD, leading Tachibana to think he must be one of Keisuke’s friends. He does the same thing when visiting the coffee shop later. He’s fucking obsessed with this guy. The two of them bike joust. Apollo Geist will jump onto his bike from 20 floors up, tenderizing his nuts into oblivion when he hits the saddle, just to show off. He’s obsessive and wild and wears a suit that’s all one color and man, I cannot imagine who else this might be reminding me of right now, but my word… and, both times he dies, he does so trying to take X down with him.

“Both times he dies?” Both times he dies. The man fails to hold down X the first time around when he tried to explode him with his arm bomb and following that gets rebuilt and upgraded in the process. Long story short, after donning his little cowboy fit and realizing that he has shit aim suddenly during his daily shooting practice to kill Jin Keisuke, he learns that he only has a day or two left to live and that the literal only way to reverse this is to take a piece of the X suit and have it attached to his heart.

Pictured: heterosexual behavior

Yes, you heard me correctly there: the only way for Apollo Geist to live here is for him to quite literally accept Jin Keisuke into his heart. Fucking incredible, isn’t it? He doesn’t do this, obviously, because he did die a second time, but look. The metaphor. It’s right there!! Maybe if Apollo Geist and Jin Keisuke had met under different circumstances, or maybe if they had a common enemy, or maybe if Apollo Geist wanted to admit his newfound weakness to Jin Keisuke or accept Jin Keisuke’s weaknesses as well (like the part where Keisuke didn’t want to transform because he was hurt, right, and Apollo Geist wanted to force him into changing so they could fight) and get into something that isn’t just this back and forth will they won’t they tension, the “what if we were two boys?” complex, the fucking starcrossed lovers of it all.

Pictured: he likes to be tall

Sorry, wait a fucking second, wasn’t there someone else who died a horrible explosive death because they didn’t want to accept Keisuke into his heart? Who also saw Jin Keisuke as someone who should be able to put up a good, satisfying fight, regardless of what his wishes might be? Does Apollo Geist… also tie back to the whole dad thing?

PART 3: The whole dad thing.

Pictured: not a compliment

So. The whole dad thing. There are so, so many examples I could pull from, but lemme just run through what I specifically took notes on while watching the show as being repeated quite a distracting amount:

Human experimentation. My fucking god, X has a lot of it randomly peppered in throughout the show. Not even really things that GOD is doing – the one that comes to mind is in one episode when the GODborg was influencing a bunch of kids to commit suicide and the tie between all of them was that they were all taking an experimental drug because they’re all honors students or something and they wanted to boost their brains even further. Honestly sounds like some shit that would happen in the suburb I used to live in, which is why I remember this one so well. The person who developed this thing gets nervous because like, I believe that the last kid alive on this drug is their kid. Jin Keisuke does save them, but you know who fucking else experimented on their kid? Jin Keisuke’s dad.

Vampires. What the fuck, this show has I think at least 5 separate instances of vampires in it. In a 35 episode show. There are so many vampires. You know, the monster that’s notorious for infecting other people and sucking their life from them and changing them irreversibly in the process, making them stronger physically but also condemning them to living a hellish life. Wow, you know what that sounds like to me? Kind of like turning your son into a cyborg to save him and forcing him into a fight with a bunch of guys that were trying to kill you.

The switch in monster themes in the middle of the show. There’s a point post Apollo Geist where the monsters swap over from being themed after figures in Greek mythology to historical figures. Yes, like I stated in the warning at the beginning of this post. Almost as if Jin Keisuke spent the time up to Apollo Geist fighting the mythos of his father, his ideals and the impact that left on him, and then when Apollo Geist died because he refused to let Keisuke into his heart, swapped over to fighting the actual sins of his father’s past. As if Apollo Geist dying for a similar reason that his father did when he asked Keisuke to blow him up so that he could “build character” or whatever, make Keisuke then realize that his father’s beliefs were… kinda fucked. That maybe the way he treated him wasn’t right. That maybe after that realization, he can move on slightly and begin the actual work of taking GOD down.

[[Important to note but not a section in the dad saga – after Apollo Geist and the monster switch happens, the new guy leading the GODborgs is one big robolad named King Dark. Yeah, this thing has already gone on for too long and I didn’t want to recap even more of the show so I’m just giving you the context. Couldn’t figure out how else to do it and make it coherent and again, don’t know how many of you have actually watched this show. Okay back to the essay:]]

Kazami Shiro shows up and upgrades Jin Keisuke towards the end. After this point, Keisuke gets a perm (irrelevant) and his fighting style completely changes (very relevant) to be much more traditional Rider. The Ridol stick that his father gave him that he used to fight all the time with? Not used anymore. He has a new henshin pose and a new finisher. It’s just like, oh, I don’t know, being able to meet people he relates to and find a new family with the other riders is maybe helping him find his identity separate from his dad? While he is still obviously impacted by the trauma his father imposed upon him (in being a rider in the first place) he’s taking it and changing it into something his own? Quite literally, textually, physically changed by the people he’s met? Who would have thought!

The GOD leader? The one who we’ve been working towards fighting all this time? The person controlling King Dark? Yeah. That’s Keisuke’s dad’s friend, who was the one behind getting him dragged into GOD business, which of course is then in turn the reason that Keisuke got dragged into this mess in the first place. Remember above when I mentioned how the monsterswap lead to Keisuke fighting the actual sins of his father and his past actions? Yeah. That’s the final boss. Just to cement and drive home really how much of this could have been avoided. How much the entire thing was his dad’s fault. Keisuke gets stabbed all the way through his chest while in King Dark but still manages to come out on top. Yeah, it hurt him, but the man was finally cut off.

The ending scene of the show, where Keisuke rides off into the distance and Tachibana reads the note that he left for him explaining his plans going forward, is so much different than the end of V3. V3 ends with Kazami Shiro experiencing loss once more and going to go off to deal with that. X, on the other hand, ends on one of the most hopeful notes I’ve seen yet. Keisuke seems… really happy. He’s excited to head out on his own, like the other riders before him. He’s excited to experience what they’ve experienced. He’s finally shed the weight of his father and his expectations for him and he can figure out what being a Kamen Rider means to him, specifically. It’s really, really sweet. It’s the ending I want in a story about parental abuse. It didn’t make me cry, because I was too happy for him, but it really stuck with me something vicious.

Do I sound like I’m going off the rails? I feel like I am!

The thing is… most if not all of these things can totally be explained away in ways that don’t have a damn thing to do with Jin Keisuke’s dad. The change of the monster themes from mythology to reality? I know that one’s because the person who handled the monster designs for the first part of the show left and they had to bring someone new in. The vampires? I’m convinced they got a great deal on the fangs and just wanted to use them where they could. The human experimentation themes? Sure, that’s always been a theme in Rider, not really to this degree of lethality, but maybe they’re just trying to bring in a somewhat older audience or something. V3 upgrading him? Kazami Shiro fucking rules, of course they’d want to bring him back into the show, and why not have him give Keisuke something cool so they’d have an excuse to do just that. The contrast between the endings of V3 and X are super apparent to me because I’m watching them as an adult less than a month apart, but so many other characters also ride off into the sunset, it could just as easily mean nothing.

I don’t care, I guess; I can’t see it any other way. It’s about defeating his dad and learning to deal with the trauma that your shit parents gave you. It’s Saturn Devouring His Son. Jin Keisuke is battling GOD but really, he’s just fighting all the demons that his father passed down to him. He’s fighting his ideals and his past and his old friend. He was fighting his father’s fight, and he’s done now. He’s found people that are like him, who have similar ideals and can support him in a way that his father couldn’t, and so when he rides off into the sunset at the end of the show, it’s maybe the lightest that I think the show has ever felt. He’ll have to deal with the consequences of his father’s actions for the rest of his life, there’s no question about that, but at least now he’s shed most of the baggage he was saddled with and is all the stronger for it. And I really, really don’t think that their intentions going into the show matter, because I think being able to read it that way can be enough for me. It feels like the story itself wanted to be told. It might have been messy, but hell, what weird relationships with your parents aren’t, right?

Pictured: sure that was probably just a throwaway line but damn, I get why you would associate those things...

TL;DR:

Kamen Rider X is a show where I think that the curtains were blue because that’s what was on sale at the store; maybe yellow curtains were more in season so they got a good deal on the blue ones, and that’s why they used them. Still, whether or not they meant anything by them or not and again, let’s be real, I don’t really think that they did, sometimes they can blow in the breeze and catch the wind just right and ripple like the surface of the ocean, and maybe if you squint your eyes and think about it in just the right way, you can see the debris from the Jin Station floating by.

Would I recommend Kamen Rider X?

FUCKING UHHHHHHHHHHH look okay. Yes if you’re nuts like me and think that this sounds like at least an interesting ride to watch. I can’t say that it really ever got boring and the fact that it’s only 35 episodes? It goes by fast. I was entertained throughout… that entertainment however did range a little bit from feeling like I was watching a fun little toku show to sometimes maybe watching a car wreck. I might have been rubbernecking down the freeway. I wouldn’t recommend that you start with X. Please, for the love of god, start with something that isn’t X. Heed the warning I wrote at the start. Maybe skip this one if you aren’t interested in thinking about some dude’s dad issues for a few weeks! But… it’s still compelling. I still keep thinking about it. It did a lot accidentally and I like it for that. Jin Keisuke, I wish you all the best!

ONE MORE THING! I COULDN’T FIND A PLACE TO MENTION THIS BECAUSE THIS IS LIKE THE ONLY THING THAT DOESN’T TIE INTO KEISUKE’S DAD ISSUES BUT ALSO I STILL WANTED TO MENTION IT: THERE ARE LESBIANS!

LET’S GOOOOO CHIKO AND MAKO YEAAAAAHHH!!!

One last Apollo Geist for the road:

#official bugtransport 2023 media recap #again excuse any typos or whatever i can't be assed to read this over #please don't reply directly to this post i will not be reading it #I HIT IMAGE LIMIT ON HERE EVERYONE PLEASE CLAP #rider roundup #kamen rider x

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lil0-0blume · 10 months ago

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I want to learn how to make edits because I have a list of Lana del Rey songs for every couple that I ship on the mxtx universe (and also for characters alone) but I don’t even know how to start… 🫠🫠

(I already edited before but only some silly things 😭😭)

List of the couples here if anyone is interested:

- HuaLian: Young and Beautiful (Classic, romantic, them)

-Wangxian: Summetime sadness (pls don’t kill me)

-Bingqiu: ArtDeco (like… the vibe?? Just-)

-Moshang: Playing Dangerous (For me, Sqh flirting is something like this -when he’s not afraid ofc)

-Beefleaf: Freak (trust meeee)

-YinZhen: Sad Girl (I’m not afraid to speak the word!!)

-XueXiao: Dark Paradise (Literally died for then, my Roman Empire)

-YueJiu: Cinnamon Girl (the definition of deserved better)

-FengQing: Diet Mountain Dew (THEM. JUST THEM.)

-Bingjiu: Ultraviolence (Got the hots for them but they also deserved better, to god -mxtx- they weren’t her favorite at all lol)

-JunMei: Fishtail (“this is an work of art” seriously, the “You’ll braid my hair” is literally how I envision them in the future, healing, together)

-Niecest: Lust for life (Like you heard that??? The “but my boyfriend’s back… and he’s cooler than ever…” - You cannot convince me otherwise it isn’t them!!!!)

List for the characters:

Binghe: Jealous girl (he was the easiest one for me and I don’t have to explain myself… BE AGGRESSIVE BE- )

Hua Cheng: Cherry (It just reminds me of him!! He really does fall to pieces many times on the story, literally, psychologically and emotionally, in good and bad ways…)

Lan Wangji: Serial killer/Happiness is a butterfly (Suprised for the first one?? Well, for me it’s about the intensity in his love, the type of doing anything and everything for the one he loves… I swear he’s just so dramatic and its just captures his teen phase of ‘first love and I don’t know what to do about it so I’ll just fantasy’ About the second… His time with his love in the first live was short and not completely well lived with so much problems and yet, and yet… he found happiness, also the “if he’s a serial killer than what’s the worst” just fits with the fact that he did in fact tried to save Wwx even against all the things others talked about him, regardless of the truth, he does what he needs to for who he needs… “Looking into his eyes I think he’s already hurt” IM SO SORRY I CANT LIE)

Shen Jiu: Born to die (like I’m not even trying to hurt anyone here but I know it hurts…)

Shen Qingqiu: Doin Time (Why?? Like, “the living is ease” vibe and the sudden “I’ve come to tell you that she’s evil” just reminds me to much of the fact that he’s the “villain”!! And I just imagined the “Louie” in the song as Sqh so much anyway)

Xie Lian: Brooklyn Baby (I don’t think I have to explain this one also right… the fans go “Yeah my boyfriend’s pretty cool… but he’s not as cool as me…” and also, “Baby I’m a gangsta too and takes two the tango” gets me thinking of two different sceneries, a dance with Hua Cheng as his flower and a dance with words representing his martial god nature)

Wei Wuxian: Salvatore (Salvatore is just him, really, the vibe of, like, even if you’re being murdered, you’re smiling and you’re smiling cause you know that, some way, you’ve just fucking won, of being on a serious situation and taking it lightly because is just his way to do things but at same time not as a mockery or a joke to all the suffering, the pain, but rather, an acceptance with a smile… oh gosh what a ride)

Mobei Jun: Black Beauty (like referring to a cold, untouchable beauty like himself, because honestly, life is beautiful but it took a while for him to see the colors but he managed to find his light, or, his “sparrow blue”…)

Shan Qinghua: Meet me at the pale moonlight (I swear, even if doesn’t make sense, for me, his “pale moonlight” is Mobei Jun… but seriously?? The “I’m the sweetest girl in town so why are you so mean?” part FR FR WTH that’s his life you’re singing about Lana)

Xue Yang: Blue Jeans (“Love’s mean… and love hurts” to “I’ll love till the end of times… I’ll wait a million years” is honestly just what he did and also that slightly possessive part “promise you’ll remember that you’re mine” inspired by his insecurities and regrets, only because he was afraid to lose him… couldn’t get any sadder)

Xiao Xingchen: Margaret (In another word yes, yes it could get sadder… He’s just so good… “It kind makes me laugh”, Ah I just keep reminding that scene where he’s with XY, laughing because he’s the easy laugh type of person… And also the “the soul that you bring to the table” I just like to interpret that in a way that he made a family out a villain and homeless distrusting girl and that the “soul” spoken off on the song it’s theirs, how they find “soul” in there, in themselves, in each other…)

Anyway

…Any tips on video edition…? 👀👀

#tgcf #svss #mdzs #hualian #wangxian #bingqiu #moshang #beefleaf #YinZhen #XueXiao #YueJiu #FengQing #BingJiu #junmei #niecest #lana del rey

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schrijverr · 1 year ago

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I Found Myself a Cheerleader 2

Chapter 2 out of 28

Bumped to the lowest step on the social ladder after his fight with Billy, Steve gets roped in with the cheer team. What starts as a favor to help them out when one member breaks her leg in turn for protection from the brunt of the bullying, sets the universe on a different path.

In this chapter, Steve settles in with the cheer team, finding real friends that are by his side. They work towards the competition and compete, which Steve enjoys enough to maybe consider staying a little bit longer. A conversation with Dustin and Will convinces him.

On AO3.

Ships: eventual steddie & buckingham

Warnings: eating disorder, period typical homophobia, bullying, f-slur, child abuse mention

~~~~~~~~

Chapter 2: The Competition

Steve has first period biology with Heather, who is waiting at the door to walk with him. They get some looks from people as they pass and Steve hopes that the rumor that will go around is that they’re dating instead of Steve Harrington has become a cheerleader.

He skips over going to his locker, because everyone knows where his locker is and it’s a place where he’s an easy target.

By the time lunch rolls around, he has to admit that he hasn’t had this good a day in a while. The constant presence of the cheer girls that either intimidate people or whom people want to impress, means that he doesn’t get pushed around as much. And it’s nice that he can talk to someone during his classes instead of just holding his head down and hoping no one looks at him.

The cafeteria feels just as daunting as yesterday. Eyes follow him as he crosses the room and goes to sit at the cheer table. Mutters float up all around him and he feels his chest tighten as he hears some of the words that are thrown around behind his back.

A small hand on his arm snaps him out of the impending sense of doom and he looks up to meet Chrissy’s eyes.

She’s a sophomore he learned yesterday and she looks a bit uncertain about touching him. However, she pushes through it and smiles at him. Chrissy doesn’t mention anything about the whispers and just says: “Coach Miller was in a bad mood when I had her today. I think we’re running laps later,” and wrinkles her nose.

Steve laughs and asks: “Not a fan of laps?”

“Not really, no,” she smiles.

“Ugh, laps are the worst,” Susan butts in. “Like running isn’t that bad, but coach always makes us do special running. Like heels to butt or knees up and it’s so tiring.”

Now that she mentions them, Steve has seen the cheerleaders running in ways that always looked exhausting to him. He grimaces and comments: “Oh yeah, I remember those. They looked like they suck.”

That earns him some giggles, especially when they remind him he’s now a part of it too and his face falls.

After that lunch is bearable. The cheerleaders are fun to talk to, though in a different way. It’s not a competition of who did the wildest shit or insulting each other, instead they just lean in a talk about classes, a new shirt they got, something they’re not looking forward too.

Steve doesn’t chime in much, content to sit there instead of outside or in a bathroom. He starts to feel normal again, surrounded by girls and getting some envious stares. He’s not interested in any of them, but it’s nicer than what’s been happening.

After school, they go to practice. Steve decides to change in a toilet as to not have to face the boys and he has brought his tracksuit for after practice.

Coach Miller is indeed in a bad mood and they run more laps than necessary, in Steve’s opinion at least. He’s an athletic person, but at the end he’s also reaching for his water bottle like a dying man in the desert.

However, when practice is over, he feels content. There is something to putting in an effort and it going right that feels good. Yesterday, he was the main reason not everything went well and though he has a bit to go, today he fared much better.

He drives Lisa home again, along with Chrissy, whose mom couldn’t come get her and told her to walk home. Steve thinks it’s ridiculous to expect anyone to walk a few miles after practice, not to mention that Chrissy didn’t even bring a snack. She refused the one he offered, but did take him up on the drive home.

And this is how most of the week goes.

There are still comments thrown at his head and whispers that go around, but he is a Harrington and Harringtons hold their heads up and ignore rumors about them. His mother has been ignoring the infidelity rumors for long enough and Steve has always been more like her.

The biggest thing that happens to him is on Thursday, when he gets to his locker to find the word fag smeared over it with paint. People around his start to giggle and point as they see him with his locker. But Steve just stands there frozen as he sees the word.

He knew this could happen when he said yes. It’s the reason he said no first. Because this is what people think of him now, this is what his father can never hear.

Steve is a Harrington and Harrington men are the epitome of masculinity. They play basketball or swim. They marry a cheerleader, they aren’t one. Because being a cheerleader means being a faggot and that is the worst thing one can be.

For years Steve has lived with this knowledge, molded himself to it. But now he stopped listening to the voice of his father, who is always in the back of his mind. Look where it got him.

And it’s not like he can deny it. That’s the worst part. Not performing King Steve continuously has opened his eyes to some of the things he did, because he felt like he had to, instead of because he wanted to himself.

So, he realized alone in his room that all the girls he went after, he did because they were desired by others, which meant it was a win to get them first. It wasn’t because he actually liked them. He never has.

When he saw Nancy with Jonathan, he was hurt, sure. But he was more jealous of Nancy for being held by Jonathan than the other way around. And ending the friendship with Tommy hurt more than the break up with Nancy.

It feels like everyone knows that now.

His vandalized locker stares back at him and he takes a breath before opening it, ignoring the word written there. If it looks like it affects him, it will only be used against him more. He just has to ignore it.

Still, he’s out of it for the rest of the day and the cheer squad notices. Lisa offers him half her cookie and Chrissy just leans her head against his shoulder without saying anything, letting her presence comfort him. The two have become his closest friends.

It’s not until they’re done with practice that Lisa says: “We can go clean it off if you want. No one is around anymore.”

On some level he knew that they had seen it, but it still makes the shame burn in his face. He looks to the ground, his shoulders tightening. Pretending it doesn’t affect him, he shrugs: “It doesn’t matter.”

“We know,” Chrissy says. “But I know where Billy’s locker is.”

Both of them look at Chrissy with wide eyes, not expecting that from the tiny girl. She grins at them and says: “I have some paint in my locker. Come on. Can you imagine his face?”

“He might not have done it,” Lisa says. It’s quiet, before she concedes: “Okay, he definitely did. But what do you want to write?”

“Not that word,” Steve buds in, unsure when they exactly decided they’re going to do it. He doesn’t want to be that guy anymore.

“I was thinking something like: Baby needs his paci,” Chrissy tells them. “Since he’s been acting so childish. It’s like he’s my baby cousin, who didn’t get his way.”

They all laugh at the image and Steve snorts: “Alright, fuck it. Lets do it.”

First they get cleaning supplies and rid Steve’s locker of the word. It feels a bit like doing a cleanse, a fresh start. Steve knows it won’t stop, but that doesn’t matter. He doesn’t have to let it mark him, he can shrug it off. Wipe it away.

When they’re done with that, the parking lot is empty, the entire basketball team has gone home, so they sneak to Billy’s locker. Lisa and Steve do the text, while Chrissy paints on a pacifier, all of them giggling.

Steve likes having friends he actually wants to be around, who stand up for him instead of dropping him for the newest shit in town when they can.

He misses it when Billy finds his locker, but when he later passes it, it’s dented as if someone punched it. It gives him a bit satisfaction.

In the weekend, he desperately tries to do his school work that has gone undone because he’s been training so much. It feels a bit like he’s a sophomore again and he was just making it in the basketball team.

On Sunday he drives the kids to the arcade again. They’re good kids. He grumbles about it all, but he does like the little shits. They’re fucking hilarious and he feels a sense of protectiveness over them.

Apparently it goes both ways, because when all the boys are distracted, Max slides up to him and asks: “Are you okay?”

He gives her a surprised look and says: “I am. Why do you ask?”

She shrugs, looking a little embarrassed and explains: “Oh, uhm, Billy- he has been spitting all sorts of vitriol at home. Talks about you. It- It isn’t nice.” She looks guilty on Billy’s behalf. “Just wanted to check he was keeping his promise.”

Steve doesn’t have it in his heart to tell her that promises to middle schoolers mean nothing to someone like Billy and that he has been getting pushed around for months already. They look up to him, he has to be strong for them. They don’t need to know this.

“Yeah, he has,” he assures her. “Just doesn’t appreciate that I’m preventing the cheerleaders from going on a date with him.”

“Iew,” Max groans, misinterpreting his words like he had intended. Steve might not be smart, but never let it be said that he can’t be manipulative when he wants to be.

He shoots her a wink and she rolls her eyes, before walking away with a groan. It gets the attention of Will, who quirks a brow at Steve. Steve smiles at him, getting more unwanted attention off of him.

And life goes on. His locker gets left alone for the following week and he only gets tripped up in the hall once. A few people yell names at him, but he’s become immune to it.

On Wednesday he first witnesses that the cheerleaders meant their promise. Over the week and a half he’s been sitting with them, they all have become more comfortable with his presence and have gone back to gossiping about crushes and stuff that Steve never knew girls talked about. It makes him feel like a spy. It also makes him feel included, but isn’t telling them that.

The fact is, he knows that Mary has a crush on Brad on the basketball team. She has had that crush for ages and Steve has caught her staring a few times at him during practice.

However, Brad is also the one that tripped Steve up in the hallway this week, then called him a queer after. Mary had been waiting for him in the hall so they could walk to practice together, since he doesn’t have a shared class with anyone that period.

Right now, Brad is coming up to their table with all the confidence in the world. It isn’t really a secret that Mary likes him and since she is junior and he a senior, he doesn’t think she will ever say no to him. No boy asks in public if there is a chance he’ll get a no.

“Hey, Mary,” he starts, leaning against the table next to her as she smiles. “I got an extra movie ticket for Friday, wanna go with me? I could come pick you up for dinner too?”

Steve is waiting for the moves he knows so well from all the times he has asked a girl out. The ducking eyes, hair tucking and giggle, before a blushing yes is said.

Instead everyone is surprised as Mary looks up at him with cold eyes and says: “No, sorry. I don’t go out with boys, who are mean to my friends. It’s not a good look.”

Brad rears back as if slapped in surprise and frowns as he tries to think of what he has done. Mary very deliberately looks at Steve, who is sitting a few seats down trying to give Chrissy a sandwich because she forgot lunch.

He follows her look and makes eye contact with Steve. He glares at him and Steve can’t help but smirk back. This type of vindication is rarely felt. He has a seat at the table again. He has influence, a social currency that he can use.

Because the cheerleaders are making good on Molly’s threat, which hadn’t been taken seriously by anyone until now. If you bully Steve, you are not getting a date.

With a scoff Brad stalks of again, having to ignore the whispers that start to follow him, like Steve has had to do for months now.

Steve isn’t surprised when his car is keyed when he leaves practice. At least they didn’t slash his tires, that would have been worse. He can still drive the car like this.

Still, as Brad walks away, he feels bad for Mary, who has had to blow her chance with her crush for him. Softly he taps her on the shoulder and says: “You didn’t have to do that,” when she looks back to him.

She smiles reassuringly. “It’s okay. I didn’t like him much after what he did to you anyway. You’re a good guy, Steve. It’s nice that you look me in the eyes for one. Plus, if we don’t stand together, the pyramid starts to crumble, you know. We made a promise.”

“Oh, okay,” Steve says, not used to someone picking his side so unequivocally. “Thank you.”

“No problem,” Mary tells him, then turns back to her conversation as Steve does the same.

That weekend is the weekend of the competition. They all have been practicing religiously to the point where Steve sees the stunts as he falls asleep. Not that he minds, it’s better than those creatures that are haunting his dreams.

They all get to the school early on Saturday. They have quite the drive to the competition and it makes Steve feels like he’s playing basketball again and they have competition at another school. In some regards, sports will be sports.

Chrissy usually sits next to Emma, but since Steve is replacing her, he ends up next to Chrissy on the bus. Something he doesn’t mind.

He counted on being next to Chrissy in fact. He noticed she never eats enough and that isn’t good, especially not for an athlete. To the basketball team it was always stressed how important eating enough is. He doesn’t hear that much on the cheer squad.

So, he brought an extra granola bar and is trying to give it to her. “Come on, Chris. You got to think of it as fuel. If you eat now, you won’t get a stitch during the game.”

“We don’t call it game,” Chrissy laughs as she corrects him, ignoring the rest of what he said.

“Competition then,” Steve corrects himself. “Please, Chrissy. I’m afraid you’ll faint otherwise. I’m not good enough at catching to do it when you’ve blacked out.”

“I have eaten breakfast,” Chrissy tells him, looking slightly uncomfortable.

Steve doesn’t want to push her, he is only concerned for her. He remembers being unable to stomach much after that evening at the Byers house. How he had nearly fainted during basketball practice and how scary that had been. He doesn’t want that for her.

“I know,” he says with a soft voice. “I’m just worried about you. Feel like I’m going to snap one of your bones one of these days. You’re so thin.”

“Girls are thin,” she replies as if she is reminding him of something that has been said many times before. However, she softens a little at his concern.

Steve guesses those words are the root of the problem. It’s not something he knows how to fix, except by continuing to offer her food and hope she takes it. So, he holds up the granola bar and says: “Will you take half? For my peace of mind?”

Chrissy bites her lip and Steve is completely still, not wanting to scare her off. “Sure,” she gives in and Steve resists the urge to fist pump. Instead, he breaks the bar and hands her the bigger part. She eats it, only when he does.

They’re interrupted by Heather, who is leaning over the seat behind them. She has a sparkle in her eyes as she said: “Did you hear about what happened during fifth period yesterday?”

“No, what happened?” Steve asks, mingling himself in the gossip in a way he wouldn’t have allowed himself three weeks ago.

“I share the class with Eddie Munson, the drug dealer. You know him?” she begins, launching into a story how he climbed out of the window when the teacher’s back was turned, because he wanted a smoke.

Steve thinks it’s quite funny and it fits with what he knows about the metal head. He doesn’t know him well, but he has always noticed him. He’s quite dramatic and doesn’t seem to care much about school.

For a long time, Steve thought he hated Eddie. A hatred that came from admiring his confidence, but ever since he realized how he looks at boys, he has realized that it has never been hatred, always something else. Eddie is quite handsome and funny and charismatic… Not that he’ll ever tell anyone that. It would be stupid and Eddie seems kind of mean and scary too. More someone to admire from a distance than someone you talk to.

They talk about Eddie for a little more, before a familiar voice comes from Steve’s backpack through a crackling speaker: “Steve, come in, Steve. Over.”

The girls around him squeak a little at the sudden noise and many lean in with interest as he takes out a radio. He feels a little silly and watched, but he knows the kid will worry and become insufferable if he doesn’t answer. So, he replies: “What do you need, Henderson?”

“You have to say over when you’re done. Over,” Dustin says after a few seconds.

Steve rolls his eyes, but repeats: “What do you need, Henderson? Over.”

He can hear the kid’s smile when he says: “Yeah, like that! Anyway, you’re not picking up your phone. We need a ride to the arcade. Over.”

It has become kind of standard to drive them to the arcade as least once each weekend. He had hoped they would want that drive Sunday, but no such luck. He bites his lip, unsure of what to answer. In the end he settles on: “I can’t today. Sorry, buddy. Over.”

“Why?” Dustin exclaims and Steve stays quiet on purpose until Dustin sighs: “Over.”

“I’m with the cheer squad. Over,” Steve tells him honestly, not elaborating further, so Dustin can make up his own interpretation with that.

It’s quiet for a second, then, almost in awe, Dustin says: “Like the whole cheer squad? Over.”

Steve laughs at the response. He answers: “Yeah, man, and they can hear you. So maybe behave yourself. Ask Nancy or Jonathan if they can drive you. Over.”

“You can’t do this to me, Steve,” Dustin shrieks. “I would have made a better impression if I’d known. Don’t tell them anything embarrassing about me! I have to show my face at that school in a few months you know. Over.”

“I won’t, just go bother someone else today,” Steve tells him. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Over.”

“Alright, but I want to know everything,” Dustin concedes. “Over and out.”

The radio is quiet again and Steve puts it back in his backpack, just waiting for someone to ask, because he knows they’re going to.

Lisa doesn’t disappoint, asking: “What was that?”

“That’s Dustin,” Steve explains. “I babysit him and a few other kids sometimes. I usually drive them to the arcade in the weekend. Guess I forgot to tell them I’m unavailable.”

“And the radio?” Sofia asks.

“Oh, they’re a bunch of nerds, in the best way,” Steve says, excited to talk about the kids. “Dustin is mega smart, you know. He built his own radio headset and shit. I just got this one, because his mom won’t always let him use the phone. He’s a little shit, but I love him. He’s practically my little brother at this point.”

Some of the girls coo at that and ask him more about the kids. He happily obliges in answering their questions, though editing out the Upside Down stuff of course. Most of the cheerleaders seem to find the kids adorable.

The competition is nothing like Steve expected. He feels nervous, but the good kind of nervous as he takes it all in. He gets a few looks as a boy with the team, but everyone is more concerned with their own routine.

There isn’t a male cheer uniform, so he’s just wearing his basketball uniform, which is good enough. The one other guy that is competing has a better uniform though. Steve can’t help but stare at him a little.

The guy is handsome. His dark skin suits the white and dark purple uniform that is tightly fitted to his body. He’s very muscled and has a pretty smile. He talks with his hands and all the girls from his team flit around him.

Next to him Sofia says: “Wow, look at that guy. He’s so hot. I wonder what those muscles can do,” and it takes all of Steve’s strength not to agree out loud.

Coach Miller pulls them back to the group and they all warm up. Steve knows all the chants and they say a cheer before they go out there. All the judging faces are easily ignored when performing and Steve gets lost in the show.

He’s breathing heavily at the end, holding the pose until the okay is given and they all move from the stage. Everyone is excited, accomplishment seeping in their bones. Molly is jumping up and down from excitement as she exclaims: “That went so well! We totally have a chance.”

The waiting that comes next is the harder part. The other groups they watch are also very good, doing dizzying stunts.

Steve perks up when the purple and white uniformed groups takes the stage. The guy is in the middle of it all. He participates with the tumbling, flipping around, as well as the stunts. He’s able to be base by himself, extending the girl above his head and throwing her around. It’s impressive and Steve finds himself captivated.

When the group finishes, the guy makes eye contact with Steve, who must look stupid with awe filled eyes. The guy looks surprised for a second, then his face morphs into a smirk and winks at Steve.

He blushes in response to the wink and looks away, only glancing back after a second, but the guy has been pulled off with the rest of his squad.

Disappointed he searches the crowd, but he doesn’t find the guy again. Instead he meets the calculating eyes of coach Miller. Ice grips his heart and he fears that he’s been caught. Trying to play it cool, he sends her a confused look.

She starts making her way over to him and he wants to hide, but that will look suspicious. He’s 90% sure she can’t leave him stranded here, if he’s about to get told to get away from the school or something.

Instead coach Miller surprises him by saying: “You’re just filling in for Emma, I know, but if we can get in some stunts like that group next competition, we’d up the scores easily. You should think about it.”

Honestly, Steve often forgets that this is just a two week thing, that come Monday, he isn’t required to go to practice after school. That he can just sit with them in classes and during lunch, before going home. It makes his heart sink.

Lisa and Chrissy had been nearby enough to hear the interaction and as coach Miller walks away, Lisa quietly says: “Everyone would be happy if you decided to keep going.”

“Yeah,” Chrissy smiles at him. “You’re part of the squad. Everyone really likes you. You’re so nice to us. You look us in the eyes and help fix our costumes.”

It is the second time that one of the cheerleaders told him he looks her in the eyes and confused he asks: “Where else would I look?”

“Most guys tend to look at our tits,” Lisa tells him quite bluntly.

Steve hadn’t even realized they actually did that. Another thing his performance of King Steve had apparently lacked. He feels a bit caught out, so he stumbles: “Well, oh, uhm, I- I took etiquette lessons as a kid.”

Chrissy giggles and bumps her shoulder against his as she says: “You don’t have to defend yourself for being respectful, Stevie.”

Stevie, that’s new. He quite likes the nickname and feels a little more at ease. He shrugs: “I mean, the school year is practically over. Will there even be another competition?”

“Yeah, after spring break is the next one,” Lisa says. “We’ve never won. It frustrates Molly to no end. She really wants a win on her record.”

“Molly is super competitive,” Chrissy confides like it’s news, before cracking up.

“I know,” Steve laughs. “I’ll think about it.”

“Please do,” Chrissy says, Lisa nodding.

The conversation haunts Steve. They don’t win the competition, but they do get third place, which results in a group hug and a lot of jumping. The purple white school takes number one and Steve contemplates congratulating the other guy, but it feels too risky.

So, they go home, sleeping on the bus. Well, most of the team does, Steve doesn’t want to risk a nightmare, so he stares out the window as Chrissy uses him as pillow. And when he gets home all he can think about is that conversation.

On Sunday he is awoken by Dustin and Will knocking on his door. He’s still in his sweats, having been awake for most of the night after waking up screaming. “What do you want?” he asks.

“You promised you’d tell me about how you ended up with all the cheerleaders,” Dustin says.

“I didn’t have anything better to do,” Will offers as explanation. “Mike is with El and Lucas with Max.”

“Sure, okay, come in.” Steve doesn’t even care anymore as he steps to the side. “I’m making pancakes for breakfast, want some?” It wasn’t his plan at all, but sue him for wanting to spoil his kids. Especially with the enthusiastic yes he gets.

As he cooks they sit at the breakfast bar and Dustin asks: “So?”

“There was a cheer competition,” Steve says, trying to decide whether to tell the truth or not. It feels so silly to lie to two middle schoolers, but he also wants them to think he’s cool. It’s utterly ridiculous how much he wants them to like him.

“Did you go to support someone? Are you dating a cheerleader?” Dustin asks.

“No,” Steve snaps automatically. Too many guys have asked if he’s stealing their girl the past two weeks. It gets tiring. However, that would have been a great excuse to Dustin, which he has blown now. He decides to fuck it, he can always kick them out of his house if they’re dicks. “One of the girls broke her leg two weeks ago. I was helping out so they could compete.”

“Boys are allowed to join cheerleading?” Will asks in confusion. However, there is an undertone to it too, as if Steve is a hero.

It throws him off balance as he shrugs: “It’s not illegal, I guess. They needed some help, thought I’d offer. It’s quite fun, actually.”

The two kids are quiet for a second. Steve purposefully doesn’t look at them as he flips the pancakes, because he doesn’t want to see their judgment. He likes these kids so goddamn much. The last thing he wants is for their parents to hear and decide that they shouldn’t hang around Steve anymore.

God, he was stupid for opening his mouth. He’s about to spiral even more, but before his breath can catch, Dustin asks: “Did you guys win?”

“What?” he asks, more shocked than anything else.

“The competition, did you win?” Dustin repeats. “How does a cheerleading competition even work? It doesn’t seem that hard. It’s just cheering someone on, but then more extreme.”

“Dude,” Steve laughs, overcome by relief that the two seem cool with it. “Cheerleading is fucking hard. Don’t diss the cheerleaders. These girls physically pick each other up and throw each other around. I’m fucking sore.”

“Really?” Will asks.

“Yeah,” Steve nods.

“I’m glad you’re having fun,” Will smiles. He’s such a polite kid. Never demanding. He’s one of Steve’s favorites, though they’re all his favorite.

“So you’re a cheerleader now?” Dustin asks. “What happened to basketball?”

The conversation he had with coach Miller pops up in his mind again. No one at school knows he only agreed to two weeks, except for the cheerleaders, but they’re cool with it. He can just pretend like this has always been the plan. It can’t really get worse and he’ll get a fun hobby out of it. The sense of accomplishment after each training is something that he missed.

“Guess I am a cheerleader, yeah,” he tests it out and it saying it makes him happy. “As for basketball, that’s a team sport, but it’s not as fun with Billy on the team.”

“But Max scared Billy off,” Dustin says. “He’s supposed to leave you alone.”

“He is,” Steve lies. “Doesn’t mean I want to play basketball with the guy. He’s a piece of shit.”

“That’s fair,” Dustin says, before announcing he has to go pee.

Once Dustin is gone, Will quietly says: “Jonathan mentioned you were getting bullied. He told me what they did to your locker.”

Steve pauses, unsure of what to do now. He removes the pan from the fire and turns around. He studying Will for a second, there is no pity or malice in his eyes, but something else. A desperate need to be seen. A sympathetic hurt.

It suddenly clicks for Steve. He couldn't tell you why, but in that moment he understands that Will gets it. That Will is like him.

He gives Will a sad smile and says: “It’s okay, baby Byers. Not fun, but okay. Did Jonathan also tell you what happened to Billy’s locker?” Will smiles mischievously and nods. “Good,” Steve says decisively. “Don’t let anyone put you down, kid. You deserve to have fun. You deserve to do what you want.”

That’s as close to a confession that Steve is willing to give. He might have accepted it about himself, but that doesn’t mean he wants to talk about it with Will. Not now at least.

Luckily Will also doesn’t seem ready to talk about it, because he just nods with a shy happy look, before looking away.

At that point, they’re interrupted by Dustin coming back from the toilet. They stay in and play some board games, before Steve truly has to do his homework. He doesn’t want to be in that school any longer than he has to. If that means trying to understand calculus, so be it.

It’s kind of funny how the two eight graders have given him more confidence. They’re just two nerdy kids, who don’t know better than to just do what they find fun and deal with everyone looking down on them. It’s something Steve has had to learn way later in life.

He goes through his day like he has the week before. He shares first period with Heather and a study hall with Sofia.

Sofia notices him struggling and offers to help. Since she is in the same classes Nancy is, he gladly accepts her help. She has a good way of explaining things and by the time study hall is done, he feels like he understands math, something that has never happened before.

Lisa is in the class right before lunch. She slides into the seat next to Steve as she greets him quietly, her standard state of being. She leans in and Steve knows what that means, so immediately leans back to heard what she has to say.

“Coach Miller mentioned the stunts you could do to Molly,” she tells him. “If you want to say no, brace yourself for lunch period. You know how she gets.”

Steve laughs at that. Molly is a nice girl, but she is ambitious and very competitive, which sometimes takes precedence over being nice. If she wants something, she is not afraid to go after it until she has it.

He is now glad he had the talk with Dustin and Will, or that news would have been daunting instead of funny. He grins: “Guess it’s Molly’s lucky day.”

Lisa perks up at that and says: “You’re serious?” in a louder volume he has ever heard her use.

They get some looks and quiet down immediately. Steve nods: “Yeah, I mean, why not, you know? It’s not like I have anything better to do.”

“Gonna be honest, Stevie,” Lisa says, “I’m glad you’re gonna stay. I would have missed you at practice. Who else is going to stand on my toes.”

“I don’t stand on anyone’s toes,” Steve guffaws to hide how emotional the confession makes him.

“Whatever you say, Harrington,” Lisa grins, before turning back to the lesson.

Steve does the same and makes eye contact with Eddie, who turned back to watch them when they got louder. His beautiful dark eyes bore into Steve’s and he feels a blush crawling up his cheeks. Not wanting Eddie to know the effect he has on him, he plasters on a bitchy expression.

Eddie in turn frowns, before shrugging and turning back to looking out of the window. The dismissal somehow hurts more than anything else would have, even if it’s what Steve wanted. He hates how the boy makes him feel.

There is something magnetizing about Eddie.

Whenever he climbs on the tables, Steve can’t help but look at him, can’t help but listen. He has long been the target of lectures about conformity and society at the hands of the metal head. He always played unaffected, it’s what he’s good at after all, but now he misses those eyes.

Ever since he’s fallen from his throne, it is Billy, who is the prime target of those speeches. It’s irrational to be jealous of Billy, but Steve can’t deny that he is.

He shakes his head and tries to put Eddie out of his thoughts. It doesn’t matter. Eddie will never want to talk with Steve anyway. Steve, despite his fall, is the embodiment of all Eddie stands against. If he even talks with Steve, it’s not going to be nice.

But the rumors that go around would have Steve believe he has a chance with the guy, something that makes it all the more frustrating.

Stop it, he tells himself, you have enough on your plate already. And you’re too much of a pussy to ever say anything to him anyway. Why bother?

And with that he tries to tune back in to the lecture that escapes him. Hopefully Lisa has better notes than he does (she does and lets him copy them during lunch).

The cheer table has become comfortable, the chatter of the others is a familiar background noise, which is why Steve notices when it changes. He looks up and Molly is sitting across from him. She usually sits further away, so there was a silence when she took a different spot.

Steve smiles at her like he doesn’t know why she’s there. He greets: “Hey, Molls. What’s up?”

“You coming to training after school?” she asks.

She sounds tense, but also like she’s holding back. If Steve had to guess, he’d say that she has an entire speech ready to go for the no she is expecting. Just to throw her off, he grins: “Course, yeah, see you there.”

Molly opens her mouth, before the words hit her. She’s speechless for a second, then nods as a smile creeps up her face. “Good, yeah, see you there.”

Lisa leans in and says: “I’ve never seen her speechless before now.”

“You’re staying?” Chrissy asks excitedly.

“Yeah,” Steve tells her, happy with his decision. It’s nice to be wanted somewhere.

After his last class, both Chrissy and Lisa are waiting for him with big grins. Chrissy immediately starts chatting about all the homework Mrs. Click gave them and how unfair it is. Steve and Lisa just nod along, they’re familiar with the teacher.

Steve gets changed in a toilet stall, then joins the girls again. Coach Miller smiles when she sees him, a glint coming over her eyes. Steve already knows he’s going to be sore again, but he doesn’t care. He’s officially a cheerleader now.

A/N:

This is nice popular girl propaganda, I’m not a girl, nor was I popular, but I like the idea of popular solidarity, athlete girls, but that might be because I am a lesbian xp

Also I know a lot more goes into doing stunts and doing it safely, but this is fanfic logic, bc I’m not writing a training montage, so you just got to trust me lmao

I have decided to upload every Wednesday and Sunday, so you can look forwards to uploads then :D

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randadrives · 7 months ago

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A Year in Review

It has officially been an entire year since the last shift I worked in law enforcement. That means it has also been a year since I moved out of a house, rid myself of most of my belongings, and moved completely into my new (to me) travel trailer. I had many moments in time this past year that I would stop, breathe in, and marvel at where my decision-making has brought me. I could not have predicted the paths I would take up to this point. I reflect often to help keep myself grounded. Today I want to reflect specifically on how life has improved and in what capacities. I wasn’t sure how I would summarize the things I have gained this past year, so I’m winging it. Most of what I’ve gained in this year is interconnected in some way: a sense of adventure, independence, human connection, new experiences, a decrease in stress, better sleep, knowledge from making mistakes. I believe I couldn’t have one of these things without the others.

Disclaimer: As many of my close friends and family are aware, the first two months of this lifestyle change were difficult for me. This was mainly due to my own negative attitude, but looking back and granting myself some grace, I was going through a lot at the time. We will call that my “transitional period.”

The most difficult part in the beginning of a big lifestyle change isn’t the actual execution, but convincing yourself that you are capable. I’m a big proponent of exposure therapy. Don’t feel like you can do something? You won’t know until you try. Are you really bad at something? Doing it more will probably help. Don’t have the knowledge to do something? Surround yourself with podcasts, books, articles, Facebook groups, and YouTube videos on the subject. Doing things independently was not an natural task for me in the beginning, because up until that point I’d be in group situations my entire life. I did almost nothing alone in my jobs as an adult, and all the sudden I was doing literally everything alone. I had the choice to hide in my trailer all day every day, or embrace being my own best friend. I forced myself to drive to states I had never seen. I had everything I needed between my travel trailer and truck, so that eased my anxiety for the most part. Then when I’d get there, I would make myself do the things I thought were interesting. Look at landmarks, national historic sites, go to museums, eat local cuisine. I’d make myself hike alone in environments I’d never experienced before. It was terrifying to think about. I would over prepare, which isn’t a bad thing! I had downloaded offline maps, I would share my location with at least 3 friends, carry a GPS satellite device, a bag full of tools I might need if things went wrong, and beforehand I would research every predator in the area, so I knew what to do if attacked (honestly I don’t suggest this one . . .). It was uncomfortable. But I never regretted a single moment. I would be scared until I started, then the fear would drop, and I couldn’t imagine anything I’d rather be doing. I started gaining confidence in my choices and movements. I was feeling more like the independent person I so desired to be. I was slowly letting go of the fear of missing out, because I was not waiting on anyone to do the things I wanted to do. My wants were shifting as well. The thought of a night out in Pittsburgh repulses me now, but 25-year-old me would have thought a 6 mile hike in the desert or the mountains would be daunting and she would be incapable. I wish I could say my brain has shut off all my “worst case scenario” ways of thinking, but some things take time to change – or don’t change at all. Realistically, as long as I don’t let that get in my way of enjoying things anymore, I call it a win. I have gone from being afraid to be alone, to cherishing my solitude. Going solo has spoiled me, giving me the ability to do things at my own speed and budget.

Learning how to do things alone leads me to so many new experiences, as well as the ability to find and feel joy in everyday life. Nights at a dive bar after a 3-11 shift turned into nights of stargazing. All the sudden the sky, and what it was doing at any particular time, became very important to me. I had time to keep track of the moon phases and start learning constellations like when I was a child. I was able to catch meteor showers and super moons. Sunrise hikes were my favorite way to avoid doing activities in the heat of the afternoon, and having a drink at sunset with friends or dogs was exhilarating. One evening in Tucson, I was doing just that: Sitting in my favorite chair with one of my favorite people and my dog, surrounded by Ironwood trees and globemallows, enjoying a seltzer with sunset views; all the sudden, what looked to be a rocket in the distance appeared over the mountain range, and we unexpectedly were enjoying a fantastic seat for a SpaceX launch from 500 miles away in California.

This past year I’ve pursued experiencing all of what the U.S. has to offer by taking advantage of National Parks and state parks. These areas are a great testament to the diverse geographical features of the land, as well as preserving nature and history. I value living in the moment now. When I see a plant that is interesting to me, I find out what it is. I rely heavily on my Merlin app to keep track of the birds I see and hear. I have time and the conscience to actually stop and observe my surroundings, to breathe. I hate to admit before the lifestyle change, these things were difficult for me to do. I was too wrapped up in the stress of my life, in work, in my phone and my notifications all day long. That’s one thing I noticed early on about hiking, as well as driving long distance, was I enjoyed the trails and sections of road where I had no service because not a single notification would get in the way of me being present. I was addicted to the convenient distraction. Now when I visit friends, I notice more how badly we are all addicted and absorbed in our screens. I’m still working actively on the effort it takes to put it down. Unplugging more frequently, letting go of mindlessly scrolling, had great benefits on my mental health.

A huge part of being in the moment for me was cutting back on alcohol. I will keep that topic short, but I rarely drink now, which means I rarely miss out on things I want to do due to being hungover. I remember more of what I’m experiencing because I’m not drinking. I will not lecture anyone on why alcohol is evil, and I’ll have the occasional beverage, but there was everything to gain from not drinking the way I was before.

Traveling the road solo had me concerned that I would miss connection, had me thinking I would have to learn to live in loneliness. If anything, I believe travel has led me to more genuine human connections. Meeting other travelers, nomads, and even locals opened my mind to alternative styles of living you won’t run into often staying in the northeast. I have made friends with other work campers and with people who have retired early and adventure full-time in their vehicles. The conversations are different with people who live so intentionally. I don’t think “small talk” exists in this type of life! At one point I was making an income pet sitting and dog walking. I was at Dead Horse Point State Park, dog sitting for a wedding officiant who ran her own business. Another business owner, the photographer of the wedding, stopped and looked at us both and said something to the effect of “I just think it’s so cool that the three of us don’t even know each other but are standing at such an amazing spot in the country, making money our own ways.” Sharing that moment with these two women was fantastic. I think back to another moment, a night I had decided to take myself out for dinner. Being solo, I tend to sit at bars so as not to take up an entire table. The bar I happened to be sitting at was FULL of other solo travelers, and we all spent the next hour eating together and swapping stories of where we had just come from, and where we were headed next. Recently I was able to meet a person I met through Instagram all the way in California for a concert (apparently that’s not just for influencers). Connection has a different meaning for me after this year than it did before.

Above all, my biggest gain has been learning to let go of the constant need to accomplish goals or to be achieving tasks. I have learned that not every single day is meant for self-improvement. It is permissible to just exist some days. I’m not sure how I consistently worked 16 hour days at one point in time. I was not living, just surviving. At the time, I was so grateful to live that way. Now I would be pissed if I still felt like it was necessary for me to do that, to work my life away. I feel sorry sometimes for the woman I was in my 20’s, forever the people-pleaser. There is a freedom I have gained. There is not an exact moment I can pinpoint that my attitude changed, but I don’t think it happens that way. It is a buildup. It’s one too many injuries, just a bit too much stress, it’s not enough time to balance everything deemed important. It required a lot for me to say I was done and walk away from everything I felt I was responsible for.

Honorable mention: I learned how to ask for help. I cringe just typing it, but there it is. If I didn’t have the ability to do that, I wouldn’t have been able to do any renovations to my trailer, or to even back it into a spot half the time. Here’s a shout out to every random old man I made feel like it was my first time towing, every single time.

As I reflect, I wish I could bottle up this feeling and gift it to everyone I care about. It was not an easy year, but that’s what I loved about it most. If it were easy, I would not have gained so much. I hope everyone has the opportunity to try something that makes them uncomfortable, and I hope having that courage leads them to experiences they never imagined. But . . . maybe I’m just a weirdo who likes “type B” fun.

#travel #lifestyle #blog #rv #life changes #midlife #solo #solo women #solo travel #camping #road trip #USA #nomad #work camping #rv life

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edzasks · 1 year ago

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Jules! Sending you hugs! Please eat some yummy, nutritious food! If you need to vent, vent. I care about you and how you are doing.

It’s so dumb. Basically I was talking to this one person (mind you, it’s a chick btw — I’m sticking to men ONLY forevermore after this), basically chick I knew briefly last year, but got to know her these 2 months started hardcore love bombing me, chasing me, pursuing me, etc. We end up getting very close, very quickly, and genuinely she was the most awesome person to talk to.

Then I started liking her and she felt it was mutual, but mind you it was heavy love bombing, and funny enough I always knew I was being gassed up too quickly, if someone is ‘too nice’ and fast pacing; never believe them, but instead of being guarded and isolated like I typically proceed nonchalant, I decided to be open cause I trusted them as a friend.

Then near the end (Halloween) she switched up, she starts ignoring my msgs, and being cold & distant. This is where the chess games started coming in.

And I, a very fucking mellow very low maintenance person - MIND YOU … Started to feel like I was going losing my mind, actually no I was genuinely so ticked by this I was convinced I was a crazy person (no!) While she was playing these games and discarding me. Alexa play Dear John…

Then since I felt like she was playing games, I played dumb and pretended I no longer felt for her, in response she told me she “didn’t find anyone else” then hours later lies telling me; she had “replaced me” and found someone else.

Despite mine you, weeks ago obsessing over me, love bombing me heavily, making bold statements like she wants me and only me, etc, showing me screenshots of fwbs she apparently cut off for me, bunch of gassing up bs.

In the end (basically) to summarise I feel like absolute shit, and being discarded like I’m nothing and all the games f’d with my head, and the sad part is I am good at seeing this shit but I ignored the 🚩flags (knew it months ago this would happen to) because I decided to be blind… Ironically anyone into tarot reading too the cards pulled about the scenario too said fraud, bad energy, bad, bad, bad to the point where the reader needed a deck cleanse and run too. 🫠

Blocked her off basically everything now, and she was still flip flopping when I told her to lose my #, and she’s like “why is there so much drama?” (when I just told her cause she won’t communicate just silent treatment) Then seemed bothered that I was running away since she said “always running and disappearing” (yup!! Saved me from ppl like that!!)

But I ran.

I didn’t like her comment either about how she “needs to heal” (instead of being w someone) yet wants to “see where it goes” w me (as if I’m a side hoe)… lbr … until someone better comes along 🤣 and the whole time I’ve been replaced. Which contradicts her bs, and lie.

It’s a long rant, but I think they have NPD, so I was victim to a narcissist basically.

Lot of gaslighting too trying to say it’s a waste of time (or I am) cause she stopped believing I was bi, or w.e. It’s all manipulation imo & punishment. And saying shit like I shouldn’t be mad. No empathy, just games. When I first deleted her she said she’d give me space, and when I apologised steering clear of maybe she isn’t a narc, she took hours to respond with her shady “ok” … Despite her offering me space (lol)…

I didn’t like either how she lied about one of her friends being her fuck buddy (reality is, that chick has a bf) just constant … lies.

I have no interesting in dating again, and I’m happily gonna go back to being me, myself & I and my emotional unavailability comfort zone because ppl these days are the worst. I don’t need someone to be happy tbh. I’m fine on my own.

I think she still follows me on Spotify / twitter idk why she hasn’t unfollowed me on everything else yet 🤷‍♀️ but the audacity too that she had to ask why I deleted her off snap. 🙄

Like… I just feel sick to my stomach basically it’s hard to eat because the distress (to shortly summarise this) and I feel like a moron, and not good enough.

#npd #narcissistic personality disorder #trigger warning

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sunriseovergotham · 1 year ago

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🎵!!

(sorry for making you put things into words lmao but it did make perfect sense and i loved reading abt em!!)

(the words were being particularly uncooperative earlier but such is life)

songs i associate with my ocs lets go

enigma to k

you try to act as if you're saving me but you wouldn't cut the rope if it was hanging me dancing with the devil - set it off

enigma

i think my fate is losing its patience i think the ground is pulling me down i think my life is losing momentum i think my ways are wearing me down but if i gave up on being pretty i wouldn't know how to be alive i should myself to a brand new city and teach myself how to die honey, what'd you take? what'd you take?

brand new city - mitski

enigma

and you think you got the cure to being bitter? but the pill tastes just as bad as the real thing so i hope you don't expect me to get better you don't think that i intend to help myself, do you?

do you? - woe.begone

enigma

if i am a wound i'm not the type to ever heal i have found the worst will drag us down but the best won't dig us up like we deserve and i have found that if you're gonna drown it's best to hold your breath starting now

givennen / hallowed - woe.begone

engima

of course it hurt, of course it fuckin' hurt it hurt like nothing in the world sometimes that i was super scared, and we were all a train-wreck and also somehow making it i think i might've died there twice, and i would do it all again

feel better - penelope scott

i can feel my heart breaking mistakes i've been making i'm running out of patience to pretend this isn't how i'll let it end my feigning fading

this is what happens when you leave it to somebody else if you want it done right you should just do it yourself you oversaturate your world with nothing but machines you might make everyone happy, but you're dead inside just like me and now we're here at a standstill i wonder if you feel the kind of pain that rips your insides out? that's something i know all about shocking, ain't it? we have a lot more in common than you would be calm with it's like we're the same person, me and you we both don't know what we can do

i can't fix you - the living tombstone

sometimes i wish i could take a new form switch out some parts and become like the norm

sometimes i wish i could lend you my voice lend you my heart and lend you my choice sometimes i hope for a savior to come who's got what it takes to convince everyone

sometimes i wish i could lend you my shoes lend you my life and lend you my truth but sometimes the truth is just my point of view not what is real and not what is true

lucky is she who lives unaware who doesn't get bothered by those who don't care lucky is she who lives unaware who doesn't get bothered by all that's unfair

unlucky me who knows way too much who fights to make changes and music and such unlucky me, aware of the pain all 'cause i happen to have some brain lucky is she who lives unaware

blow my brains out - tikkle me

secrets don't make enemies, but they don't make you friends can't watch myself break and bleed another second

pin cushion - siiickbrain

i'm only happy when i'm on the run i break a million hearts just for fun i don't belong to anyone i guess you could say that my life's a mess but i'm still looking pretty in this dress i'm the image of deception

when everything is life and death you may feel like there's nothing left instead of love and trust and laughter what you get is happy never after but deep down all you want is love the pure kind we all dream of but we cannot escape the past so you and i will never last

homewrecker - marina

“i do not wish the death of any living thing i might be a killer but one day i shall be queen and put an end to slaughter, but until then i’m keen on staking clam to land and sea and everyfin between”

i played a game with eleven fools who told me not to break the rules but when have angels ever helped me yet? and magic isn’t real and anyway it doesn’t matter 'cause no matter what i conjure it could not help me deflect the angry death of every hopeful thought that i might be a lover or a fighter that i’m not in someone's spider web, or net i could be caught but i’m too bitter, better off alone, guess i forgot

so what do you want me to say? sorry? should i apologize when you ignore me? i didn’t ask to be right or to be lonely or to be hatched into an ugly story

and now i think my calling is to break apart and fall to pieces better yet, invent a brand new method of ascension

i’m impressed, you’ve managed to survive but rest assured we’d all be better off dead than alive 'cause when they get a hold of us, we’ll all be batter-fried and i’m surprised that nobody’s considered switching sides

so here i am, respectfully and royally destroying any chance of getting back on your good gills and i don’t mean to be hurtful, but if yellow's the new purple well, then bleeding’s the new breathing, don’t you think i will

that i am just pathetic, i won’t be overlooked i’m past the point of fishing to get back upon your hook i’ve made a manifesto, i’ve been bested by a crook, but never more i’m planning on reclaiming what he took

ugly story // phemiec

#i couldnt resist adding in a few woe.begone songs #especially cuz they were fitting #sorry this took so long i lost motivation for a few days but i need to make SOME kind of content involving them #especially cuz they have FANS now apparently #part 2 coming soon this got far too long #oc: enigma #oc: k #wbg oc

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mdhwrites · 2 years ago

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Where is My Writing?

After all, I’m, you know... A writer, not a reviewer. So where are my writing posts (beyond me just being weirdly bad about posting chapter updates onto here)? Uh... Anxiety, depression and being sick for a month. So far. I’ve honestly just been tired 99% of the time which just fucking sucks. And when I am awake, I’m constantly trying to convince myself to do anything to pass the time instead of just going back to bed. For anyone worried, it’s confirmed to not be Covid or the Flu and at this point it’s mostly the exhaustion (in part from being so inert) and some weirdness going on with my throat that fluctuates on a daily basis but in general makes talking awkward. And finally, I’ll admit that the new episode and thinking about Luz... Did something weird to me that has been cranking my mental health stuff into overdrive. I’ve been realizing how much hyperfixations really do affect me and how TOH, and especially Lumity, is the strongest hyperfixation I’ve EVER had. And I want to return to them. Return to the dynamics I adored. But, well... You’ve also all seen the recent blogs and I do want to apologize for just how mean I am with them. TOH isn’t the worst show in the world after all, not by any means. A solid 7/10 if I’m honest with peaks and valleys but it could be doing a lot worse. It’s just... there’s also a lot of pain and baggage with it now. Which does carry into my writing. My issues with Luz? I don’t write Luz as mean or selfish, or I make it a point that these are negative traits of hers like in The Eyes Beneath the Water, but my analytical side will straight up say “Hey, you’re writing her too nice. She wouldn’t care this much about this person. What are you doing?” and I just have to ignore that. So I’m at an impasse and honestly my analytical side, all this rambling, is just a lot easier than trying to write anything. As much as I hate that fact because the writing brings both me and others so much more joy. *sigh* Sorry. Just wanted to share and explain. I hope you all have a good night.

#Vent #Personal

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restartingthisifirelapse · 2 years ago

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day 1 (tw: self-harm)

i don’t know why i’m doing this. part of me thinks i just want attention. idk. i want something tangible i guess. something i can actually lose the next time i mess up. cuz right now it’s like “oh nothing bad will happen”. i know that’s wrong, but i can’t convince myself of that.

i fucked up really bad last night. i was almost at a year clean. i was so proud of myself damn. the thing was too, i was having such a damn good day. we went to see the nutcracker, like a professional one. typically we would go to this children’s production, which is good in its own right, but damn this one was so impressive.

and everything with my family was so good too, you know? nobody was upset at me, nobody was being mean to me. i was having a good time with my brothers, my stepmom didn’t seem pissed off, my dad seemed chill. and then i fucked up.

it’s always stupid to see what ends up getting me. i’ve already been in a bad place, i just went through a rough breakup. (as i alter this and see my writing get confusing talking about two exes, i’ll call them percy.) rough in the way of i’m still in love with percy but they started being mean, and manipulative and confusing, so i broke up with them. that isn’t the whole story either, though. i was feeling lonely cuz percy wasn’t talking to me. another ex, i’ll say sunny, has been lowkey flirting with me throughout my entire relationship. but one night, when percy wasn’t talking to me, sunny just kept complimenting. it made me so flustered and i went to bed giggling. i can’t believe i did that to percy. i love percy, i really do, i care about them so much. and i fell asleep flustered, heart fluttering from somebody else. that was when i knew i had to break up with them, cuz now i’m the problem. i’m the asshole in this situation.

that was such an unnecessary tangent oh my god. i do that a lot. but regardless, that to say i was already feeling like shit. then my dad knocks on my door, and he’s really upset with me. i’ve been really busy recently, and my parents don’t know my schedule. up til now i’ve been too scared to drive, but recently with job opportunities opening up for me, i’ve been wanting to learn. less stress on my parents. my stepmom works mornings, and we have one car. i had to be at my place by 9am. and he was so upset. “i don’t want to have to wake up at 3 to drop of your stepmom to come back and take you to your thing at 9″. that’s what got to me.

one reason why i fell in love with percy was because of how thoughtful they are. we were friends before dating and i had been complaining to them about dishes, and they told me “yeah, i always feel so bad about not doing dishes cuz then my parents have to do them after work.” and i felt so embarrassed for how thoughtless i was, and i felt so in love with how thoughtful they were. and now i’m not even thinking about my parents’ sleep schedule. god i’m so awful. i’m a horrible person. maybe i shouldn’t have broken up with them.

a few minutes of tears later and suddenly i’m opening up my stupid tracker app because of an oopsie. i feel dumb about it though. not, like, horrifically stupid. that’s an upgrade and i’m proud of it. typically when this has happened before, i’d be so low. i’d just keep going, and going, for at least three days but usually a week. but now i don’t feel like that. now i just think “damn. now i gotta get it back up again.” i’m really proud of that.

i don’t have any, like, big big reason to not cut myself. i have tiny ones though. for one, obviously, it hurts. in the moment the hurt is so good, like that’s the whole point. shuts up the emotions and whatnot. but after the fact? when you’re trying to go through everyday life? when you’re taking a shower and the water hits the cut? it fucking stings, oh my god. and i used to love the sting, but now it’s the worst. like jesus.

another reason is, like, i have kids. not ones i birthed or adopted, but i teach. and i have little brothers. my stepmom told me when she found out “how would you feel if you found out they were hurting themselves?” it was so scary cuz, in the moment, i was so scared i wouldn’t care. but now i’m watching kids go through really bad moments of self-consciousness, and i just want to hug them and make sure they’re never hurting again. i’m supposed to believe that somebody feels that way about me. i’ll get there someday.

also, i’m a gamer lmao. i’m a kind of person who wants to beat my high score. i can’t wait for when i get to 226 days this time.

so, yeah. i want to make this blog so i can have something i know i can lose. i’m a writer too. typically, if i write something i’m proud of, i want to save it in my notes. if i write something like this, like a journal entry type deal, i want to save it in my notes to look back on. i’m not going to save anything until i get to a year. i don’t want to save anything, so that way i won’t want to delete anything. i don’t know. hopefully it works. no copy paste for me.

but yeah. wish me luck lmao.

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cigvrettedvet · 2 years ago

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theodora & avery.

it tore her apart to see theo’s reaction to words that should have been forbidden, should have been kept locked away in her mind for avery to worry about in her own solitude. she shouldn’t have uttered things that she was aware would blatantly harm the girl. but again, if she didn’t, she’d be lying to her, and that also pained the woman. the double edged sword really threw her for a loop tonight. “but what if i can’t be discreet any longer? what if i’m too distracted with loving you to keep us safe anymore, theo? what if we get caught?” the confessions were pouring out, tears pricking at her eyes, but still avery clung to her partner’s hands. “no,” she muttered,” i don’t want to lose us either. i’m just afraid everything i’ve worked for, the life i’ve convinced you to be a part of, isn’t safe anymore. and how can i dare put you in a position where i can’t guarantee your safety? i’d kill myself if something ever happened to you.”

“we won’t get caught. we’ll do everything possible to make sure we won’t. we just have to try rather than think the worst,” theo shook her head, wide eyed and desperate to make avery see things her way. “i know it feels so bad now but we can get through this together and only together.” if they weren’t together, they’d fall apart. theo definitely would. she feels relief flooding throughout her body when avery assured her that she didn’t want to lose her. it was better than avery saying the opposite. “stop, you’ve taught me how to protect myself. and if something does happen, i can protect the both of us. just please trust me. and trust in us.”

#⌗ thread ⁝ theodora sinclair.#persephonyed

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penig · 2 years ago

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I have to be an optimist to get out of bed every morning, so I had been telling myself that maybe my memory of wanting to choke the men in Dracula and bang all their heads together was exaggerated and the situation would be better than I recall.

Nope. No it isn’t. It’s actually slightly worse than I remember. Sigh.

Primarily, this is Stoker’s fault. He wants to ramp up the tension again by threatening Mina, so he makes the characters stupider than they need to be and than they have been shown to be before now.

We can also blame the Patriarchy for conditioning them all, including Mina, who tries to convince herself that it’s okay for men to be protective and that this is all this is. Protecting women and children is basically what men are for, after all - women and children are where society is actually happening and men are supposed to free them up to do the growing and further-life-making and such. The notion that enforcing ignorance is part of protection, and that knowing the worst is somehow worse than lying awake at night imagining the worst in a vacuum is an assumption still made today - and is just as destructive and dangerous today as it was then. Mina and Jonathan, at least, really should know better.

I can actually find a psychological justification for Jonathan cooperating in the silence, on the grounds that he is keeping from Mina what he wishes to avoid himself. His voice in his diary is calm - a little too calm - he has walked again into Dracula’s keep and is refusing to examine his own feelings on the matter, presumably because if he does he’ll be risking a full-blown panic attack and he certainly doesn’t want to do that in this setting at this time. What he feels he can’t hold back from doing he can at least not re-experience by telling Mina, which is a very bad decision and deep down I think he knows it.

I can cut Seward some slack on not letting Renfield out, too. The man is dangerous and slippery and has had sudden reverses of temperament before. If he would just speak a little more clearly (there’s that theme of clear communication again) maybe they’d realize that the sane human part of him is making a last-ditch effort to keep the life-greedy insane part of him from inviting Dracula into the asylum. But he doesn’t speak more clearly, Seward has demonstrated his inability to synthesize data of this kind, and nobody else does here, either. The reader can clearly see that accepting the offer to let him go with attendants - letting him go and following him - would be the best solution, but from the characters’ point of view the irregularity of letting a homicidal maniac check himself out in the wee hours of the morning, with no obvious place to go, must seem like an impossibility.

I actually feel bad for Renfield here. He doesn’t know what Seward et al know about Dracula and presumably what he himself knows about Dracula and the opposition mounted against him stems mostly from overheard snippets of asylum gossip and Dracula himself. If Seward doesn’t know about vampires, telling him the truth - a man made of mist and bats is promising me life eternal if I’ll let him in and I think accepting the offer would go very badly for everyone but me, but I can’t resist the offer forever - is the one sure way to never get out.

One thing that occurs to me now, which didn’t when I first read it, is that Mina might be pregnant. Van Helsing hinted at the idea - in an oblique way that a modern reader inexperienced in reading Victorians can be excused for overlooking. (I have scanned for it but can’t find the line to quote it, and can’t remember exactly when it happened. It should be in one of Seward’s entries of the last three days.) I thought he was referring only to the possibility being one that is unavoidable in married women in a time without reliable birth control, but today from the way everyone is treating her and the way she submits to the silent treatment and is so much more emotional than usual, I think she is showing early signs that everyone is too delicate to mention openly even in their journals. This is a time when women were using codes and coy euphemisms to track their cycles and record their own and their friends reproductive status in the diaries they never expected anyone else to read, after all. Trying not to discuss agitating subjects in front of the pregnant lady is, on the face of it, simply manners - in most situations. That it’s counterproductive here doesn’t change anybody’s reflexive behavior.

If she is, I wonder if Dracula can smell it on her? Because she’s a tempting enough target as a revenge strike; as a pregnant woman bursting with life in addition, she would be irresistible.

I suppose, at a stretch, even without that I can even excuse Mina’s not relating her experiences with disordered sleep directly as the result of sleep deprivation and post-hypnotic suggestion. Still, Mina is smart enough to recognize the threat and the similarity to Lucy’s experience, and it’s frustrating that she doesn’t.

Arthur and Quincy are simply falling into their lord-of-the-manor and macho-Texan patriarchal roles, and I could kick them for it. (Quincy shooting at the bat in the middle of London is the sort of thing that only a Texan abroad could get away with - he couldn’t do it at home, and he couldn’t do it if he were an Englishman, but a Texan in England can get away with anything if he drawls about it with a straight face afterward and yeah, as a Texan, I approve. Incidentally it must be a very torpid bat to get shot, or an impossibly lucky sharpshooter to shoot a bat out of the air, so it’s no wonder he missed)

Mostly, however, Stoker is going the idiot plot route and I blame him soundly for it.

#dracula daily #patriarchy #idiot plot #Mina #the silent treatment

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bitsandbobsandstuff · 4 years ago

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The Midnight Coconuts

Summary: Bucky and his girl take a trip to the grocery store. Several things are involved, including coconuts, a 25cent gum-ball machine, Avengers branded Jell-O, chocolate milk straight from the jug, and tampons. Characters: Bucky x Reader Words: 3k Warnings: Some swearing. Insane levels of fluff. Dangerously adorable Bucky. One (1) random reference to Not Another Teen Movie.

A/N: Listen, I will never be over silly domestic Bucky! I originally started this story before TFATWS came out and when I imagined Sam had a niece, so just go with it. Part of me wrote this, because I needed to convince myself that I love grocery shopping (one can only eat takeaway and Trader Joe’s Orange Chicken for so long) and the other part wrote this because I firmly believe domestic routines can be the most romantic adventures out there.

When the doors to the grocery store whoosh open with a gust of stale manufactured air, Bucky skids to an abrupt and dramatic stop.

“WAIT!”

Behind him, you stumble in panic, fumbling with an armful of reusable grocery bags. Instantly you’re imagining spilled blood and stab wounds and clean ups on aisle three and god dammit, how can there be a problem? This is a grocery store at midnight on a Wednesday. Shouldn’t the forces of evil be sleeping? Why is it so impossible to get a day off work? Don’t they know you need rest? And peanut butter? And that you’re dangerously low on toilet paper?

The forces of evil are the worst.

Raising weary fists, you huff.

“What? Where is it?”

Bucky sidesteps toward a row of small red and green machines beside the entrance, falling to his knees and smushing his nose eagerly against the glass. Reaching a hand behind him, there are several impatient grabby motions, before he glances back.

“Babe, can you give me a quarter? I need a gum-ball.”

Planting a sneaker clad foot on his ass, you shove. Hard.

“Bucky, we talked about this. Remember how you agreed to lower the drama and keep things in perspective? I thought we were under attack.”

“If I don’t get a green gum-ball,” he declares dramatically, “there will be an attack.”

Throwing the cloth bags at his face, you stomp off to retrieve a shopping cart, plunking your purse in the front and hunching over the handlebars.

“I thought you said you were a millionaire now. Buy your own gum-ball.”

Bucky rolls his eyes.

“Like I carry loose change,” he scoffs. “C’mon, just one quarter. Please?”

This time, he gives you the Look. That patented Bucky Barnes stare, with the wide eyes and full pouty lips and faux innocent expression, and if this man wasn’t the love of your life you’d quite happily stab him in the heart.

Instead, you open your purse and fish out a quarter, flinging it at his frustratingly pretty face. It bounces off his forehead and he scoops it up with a grin.

“So just to clarify. You came to the grocery store covered in knives, but you forgot to bring money?”

Giving you an indulgent smile, he jams the quarter into the slot. With a twist and shake, a gum-ball rattles free, and Bucky crows with delight when he sees the green candy. He pops it in his mouth.

“I didn’t forget. I made a conscious decision to remove the temptation. If I bring cash, I’ll spend it. You know I ain’t great with that whole self control thing.”

“How encouraging to hear, from the man with knives pouring out his ass.”

Jumping to his feet, he throws an arm around your shoulders.

“Ass knives sound painful.”

“Depends on how sharp they are,” you mumble, pulling a carefully folded sheet of paper from your jacket.

“Excuse you? My knives are always perfectly sharpened, thank you very much. What kind of expert assassin runs around with dull knives? Damn baby, it’s like you don’t even know me.”

Ignoring him, you flatten out the paper and smooth the edges, sighing happily at the block letters and structured diagrams drawn in deep blue ink.

Here it is, your masterpiece. A monument to productivity. The gold standard by which all optimization models should be benchmarked. This isn’t just any list, this is The List.

Everything is grouped, first by aisle, then by product location within the aisle, and then from top to bottom shelf order, to maximize efficiency. This is the dream list. The kind that inspires jealousy. The kind people hold up at TED talks when they talk about time management techniques. Marie Kondo wishes she had this list.

Bucky snorts when he sees the carefully printed boxes.

“God, you’re such a square,” he says adoringly. He plants a sugary wet kiss on your temple and you grind an elbow into his ribs.

“We discussed this, Bucky. Don’t mock my lists.”

“Sorry babe, I ain’t mocking. Your lists are beautiful, they always get me all hot and bothered,” he agrees, dipping lower to lick behind your ear. “And I really love that list you keep with all those dirty, filthy, sex things you wanna do to me.”

“I don’t have a list like that.”

“Yeah, I know,” Bucky sighs, “and I don’t know how many more hints I can drop here.”

Reaching under his shirt, you rub his belly consolingly. “Okay then. This weekend I’ll sit down and make you a special list. One so disgusting and dirty and depraved, it would make Wade Wilson cry.”

Bucky laughs and squeezes you tighter.

“About damn time honey. I’m equally parts terrified and horny. So where’re we headed first?”

“Produce,” you answer promptly, plowing forward, Bucky still chuckling beside you.

The whole scenario was ironic, actually. There was no need to grocery shop - automatic ordering mechanisms across the Avengers tower rendered the task meaningless - but sometimes it was a welcome relief to partake in such an ordinary thing. Unable to sleep after one particularly terrible mission, you found yourself wandering the aisles of your 24-hour supermarket, dressed in pineapple adorned pajama pants and one of Bucky’s rattier sweatshirts, searching for ice cream. The unexpected symmetry of products arranged along the shelves, the rainbow hued produce, the hint of baking bread wafting from the ovens, all those everyday trappings of normality, they washed over like a soothing balm. Soon enough, the boiling bad thoughts simmered to nothing more than a cache of blurry memories.

When you got home, sleep came fast, deep and dreamless.

One month later, the idea struck again.

After 36 hours of Bucky tossing and turning, dark shadows bruising beneath weary blue eyes, you took his hand and led him down the dark street for a midnight adventure. He was skeptical, disbelieving that something so simple could chase away the insomnia. But he dutifully followed you, strolling aimlessly through the aisles, throwing odds and ends into the cart.

The tension gradually eased, he began to relax, and suddenly?

He was hooked.

An hour later, after arguing the health benefits of frosted Cheerios over oatmeal, poking each hunk of cheese in the display, and loading the cart with every single flavor of spaghetti sauce on the shelf, the heavy weight of remembering began to ease. When he collapsed into bed, he slept for eight hours straight.

I don’t know what that was, he swore the next morning, munching through his third bowl of frosted Cheerios, but it was magic.

And with that, a midnight ritual was born. Sometimes you make the trek alone, sometimes Bucky does the same, but whenever life permits you go together. This small slice of domesticity brings a warm comfort to this strange life.

There is no doubt, this is your favorite area of the entire store.

Barrels filled with tart oranges and smooth red apples. Tables piled high with bananas, some just shy of yellow, others sunshine perfect, and a few with speckles of black (which are the best). Shelves lining the walls, overflowing with bundles of herbs and lettuce, all coated in a fine layer of mist.

Bliss.

Heading straight for the apples, you plunge into the Gala pile, rummaging until you come up with ten perfect ones. Peaches follow, fingers rubbing along the delicate pinky-orange fuzz. Squeeze, smell, squeeze, smell. Five are chosen for a pie (Sam pleaded shamelessly until you agreed to make him one), and in the cart they go. Heading toward the wall of herbs, you’re reaching for the basil when a metallic bang makes you jump. Spinning around, you find Bucky lobbing coconuts into the cart.

“We need these.”

“We really don’t, Buck. I hate coconut, it tastes like suntan lotion.”

“They’re not for eating,” he grabs an apple, wipes it on his shirt, and takes a juicy bite. “They’re for security.”

Sticky juice drips from his lip, catching in his beard. When you reach over to swipe it away, he nips your finger with a grin.

“Explain please.”

“See it’s like this. We’re just here shopping, doin’ our thang -”

“Don’t say thang.”

“- when someone attacks. What happens? BAM. One of these furry beauties breaks their face. Problem solved.”

Giving him a slow perusal, you raise an eyebrow.

“Were the 47 knives you’re carrying not enough to deflect this attack?”

Finishing off the apple in three sloppy bites, he carefully tucks the price sticker in his pocket so he can scan it before leaving and sets the mangled core beside your purse.

“Babe, these are my back-up plan. A good soldier always has a back-up plan.”

While you grab a bottle of extra-pulpy orange juice, Bucky picks two jugs of chocolate milk, snaps one open and takes a swing. Ever the thrifty shopper, he pulls a familiar bag from his back pocket, fishes out a crumpled piece of newspaper, and dangles it before you.

“Found a coupon for this,” he says gleefully. “Buy one, get one free. It’s called a BOGO. A BOGO. Hilarious, right? Fuck me, I love the future.”

Still laughing, he takes another long drink of chocolate milk and smacks his lips.

It was a lazy Sunday morning when you discovered this particular habit. Walking into the living room, you found Bucky buried in a sea of Sunday newspaper, tongue between his teeth and scissors in hand while he clipped coupons. He wasn’t picky, if it was remotely interesting, it went into the YES pile. It was one of those random things that brought him inordinate levels of joy, so of course you encouraged it. On his last birthday, you gifted him with a green zippered bag decorated with angry looking owls and official looking letters stitched across the front:

Bucky’s Coupon Bag Thriftn’ Machine Since 1917

He laughed for five straight minutes and then stuffed it full. The bag accompanies you on every trip and the sight of Bucky excitedly rifling through his wad of coupons still makes your heart swell.

Setting aside his BOGO, Bucky continues down the aisle, leaving you to pause in front of the yogurt. While you contemplate the merits of blackberry vs strawberry, Bucky slides over holding three cans of Reddi-Whip.

“Are you actually planning to eat that? I thought you said whipped air is for, and I quote, ‘spineless, tasteless trash heathens’?”

Bucky shakes the can of spray whipped cream and wiggles his eyebrows, leveling you with a sultry stare.

“Hell no I’m not eating it. This is for the bedroom. Last week I watched this god-awful movie where some blond guy - who looked exactly like Steve, by the way - made himself a whipped cream bikini for his girl. Decided I’m gonna do that for you. You’re welcome.”

“That sounds gross and unsanitary.”

“If by gross and unsanitary you mean spicy and sexy, then yes. Yes it does.”

Whistling what sounds like the theme music from a bad porn, he adds two tubs of honey swirled Greek yogurt, pats your butt, and strolls ahead, throwing a roughish wink over his shoulder. Imagining the melted whipped cream soaking into your bedsheets, you mentally add more laundry detergent to the list.

“Hang on, turn here.”

Tugging the cart behind him, Bucky stalks toward the feminine hygiene display. It takes him a minute to scan the products before squatting down to the bottom shelf. Grabbing two jumbo boxes of tampons, oddly enough the brand you prefer, he pops back to his feet.

“Dare I ask why you need these?”

A faint pink flush crawls up his neck.

“Well, you know, two reasons. They’re really great for stopping bloody noses, you know? Just poke ‘em up there and they soak it all up.”

He mimes the execution and adds a thumbs up.

“And the second reason?”

Squinting at his boots, he shuffles his feet a bit. The pink flush deepens.

“Um, you know - I know you’re out, since I stuck the last one up Steve’s nose last week, and yeah. Anyway. It’s about that time. Of the month. For you.”

Clearing his throat, he reaches for his chocolate milk, but you grab his wrist.

“You know when my period’s going to start?”

He shrugs self-consciously and fiddles with a loose thread on his shirt.

“Well yeah. You think it’s just a coincidence when all your favorite candy shows up every month?” Looking up, he shoots you a crooked smile and leans over the cart to kiss your forehead. Grabbing a fistful of his shirt, you haul him in for a real kiss instead and his startled laughter tickles your lips. When you break away, those bright blue eyes are shining.

“Thank you, Bucky,” you murmur.

“Anytime, sweetheart,” he whispers.

This is the aisle where the cart officially explodes.

Lasagna noodles.

Egg noodles.

Spaghetti noodles.

Penne.

Linguine.

Fettuccine.

Literally one of every noodle is selected, because Bucky Barnes is a self-proclaimed noodle slut.

As you organize the boxes and search for orzo, you see him furtively add an extra bag of elbow macaroni. A quiet cough hides your laughter.

The last time Sam’s four-year-old niece came to the tower, she and Bucky spent hours making glittery elbow macaroni necklaces, which they ceremoniously gifted to everyone. When Sam casually mentioned her enthusiastically telling everyone at pre-school about her friend Bucky and how much fun she had visiting him, Bucky ran to a craft store and bulk bought supplies of glue, string, paint, and glitter, just in case she comes over again.

Months later and the entire team are still finding puddles of glitter all over the tower, but the delight on Bucky’s face anytime someone mentions that arts and crafts afternoon?

It’s worth the mess.

Gathering up brown sugar, instant oats, and chocolate chips, you turn to drop them in the cart when Bucky makes a strangled noise. Glancing over, you find him bouncing on his toes, vibrating with excitement.

“Babe. Babe. Are you making monster cookies?”

Adding a can of raisins, you search for the good vanilla. The kind that actually tastes like vanilla, not a cheap car wash air freshener.

“I promised I would,” you remind him. Bucky plasters himself against your back, wrapping you in an enthusiastic hug and nuzzling his face against your neck.

“I love those fucking cookies,” he declares. “They’re my favorite thing ever. Next to you I mean.”

Finding the vanilla, you spin in his arms and return the squeeze.

“I know you do. But you have to share them this time, okay? You can’t just eat them all yourself like the last two times. Agree?”

“Agree…to disagree. They’re wasted on other people, no one else loves as much. It’s for the best when I eat them all, it’s proof how much I love you. I’m doing it for you. I’m supporting you. Because I love you.”

“You’re completely full of shit,” you reply.

“I swear I’m not! Just listen!”

The excuses grow longer and wilder as Bucky outlines his rationale against sharing, walking backward and dragging the cart with him as he pleads his case. He’s diving into the science of super soldier metabolism levels and caloric requirements and the fact that his sister never shared anything with him, when he bumps into a tall display.

He pulls up short, eyes narrowing. Plunking his fists on his hips, he growls a disgruntled sigh and glares at the rows of packaging.

“You’ve gotta be shitting me.”

Lined up in neat rows, you see boxes of Jell-O organized by color and flavor. On the cover of each are an assortment of familiar images.

“Are these Avengers themed Jell-O?” you ask, picking up a box with Sam’s image and the words Wild Berry Wilson. The rows extend further, filled with Lime Green Hulk and Blue Raspberry Rogers and Black Cherry Widow and Strawberry Lemon Stark. Exasperated, Bucky grabs the Sparkling Orange Spider flavor.

“Is this for real? The kid gets one and I didn’t? Someone in PR is getting fired.”

“Well there’re only so many flavors, Buck,” you point out practically, but Bucky’s not in the mood for logic. Instead, he swipes an entire shelf of Jell-O flavors into the cart.

“I swear to god, I have to do everything around here. Fine then. I’ll make my own flavor, Blackberry Kiwi Soldier or Winter Watermelon Rainbow, or something.” He pauses thoughtfully. “Anyway, I’ll work on the name. But I’m bringing it to dinner tomorrow night and everyone is gonna eat it.”

He dumps in a bag of mini-marshmallows and grabs sprinkles for topping, before marching down the aisle. Cringing at the volume of sugar in the cart, you make another mental note to schedule a dentist appointment.

“Go do your manly duty and find the meat. We need two 5lb rump roasts.”

“I like your rump roast,” he instantly responds and reaches over to smack your butt again. Anticipating the move, you catch his arm and twist it behind his back. He barks out a breathless laugh and you slap his ass in return.

“Your innuendos are tragic.”

Releasing him with a gentle shove, Bucky snatches up his three coconuts and ambles away, laughing while he juggles them. When he returns, he has the requested rump roasts, several packages of bacon, and a bundle of cocktail shrimp.

“If my innuendos get better, then can I touch your butt?”

“Maybe. But they better be real good.”

An added benefit to shopping at midnight? Not a soul in line.

Loading everything onto the conveyer belt, you automatically organize for bagging. Boxes together, produce together, meat together. Bucky adds a pack of batteries, a tin of mints, and some trashy magazines.

The last three items in the cart are his coconuts. They rattle around until you toss them at him, motioning back to the produce department.

“We made it out alive. Go put them back.”

Still chomping his tasteless green gum-ball, he shakes his head and plops them down.

“Nah, I have another idea for them. Got all those craft supplies at home, I’m gonna make you something.”

“Should I even ask?”

Bucky blows a huge, wet bubble and looks you up and down.

“Have you every worn one of those coconut bras? Like on TV, with the ladies in grass skirts? I’m gonna make you one. I already have string and glue. And glitter.”

“I think you may be overestimating your crafting abilities.” Digging out your credit card, you wait for the final tally.

“Well, if it’s terrible then you’ll just be naked. Either way, I win.”

Shaking out your grocery sacks, he packs everything with Tetris-like efficiency and slides all of them up the vibranium arm.

“How about I make you a deal. I’ll wear a coconut bra, if you’ll make yourself something to wear as well.”

Bucky blows another sugary bubble, pondering the idea.

“Like a coconut man thong?”

“Exactly like a coconut man thong.”

“Deal. Add it to that special dirty list you’re making me honey. We got loads to do.”

Outside, the night air smells sweet and cool, the barest hint of a spring rain and fresh grass lingering on the breeze. Already, your eyes are feeling heavy, tonight’s quiet adventure ushering in that sought after peace.

In your right hand, the three coconuts swing gently in their plastic sack. Humming under his breath, Bucky yawns, reaching for your other hand. His warm, calloused palm squeezes tight, his thumb stroking lightly over your skin.

He turns to you with a sleepy, lopsided smile.

Midnight and coconuts.

It always does the trick.

***

#bucky x reader #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes #bucky fic #bucky imagine #bucky barnes imagine

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jennagrinsoverml · 3 years ago

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do u have any really good fic recs for mlb enemies to lovers

Do I ever! Some of these have already been recced in my AU rec list, but since this isn't part of my "undiscovered gems" series, I'm going to let myself rec all of the popular enemies to lovers fic I've been enjoying too 😊

A Series of Meets: Reach by @damagectrlwrites

Paris is safe, except from the rivalry of its two superhero guardians: Ladybug and Chat Noir. Since they were teenagers, the two have raced around Paris, trying to out do-good each other.

After Chat Noir saves a bus of people from falling into the Seine before Ladybug can even get there, Adrien is in high spirits. He helps a young woman reach some chips high on a shelf, kicking off a friendly conversation that ends with a coffee date.

It’s a terrible day for Marinette. First she had a hectic day at work, then Chat Noir gets all the praise for saving a bus of people, and then she nearly topples over trying to reach some chips. At the very least, a nice guy helps her and asks her to coffee. Surely, things will get better, right?

Ladynoir Enemies AU. Never met AU. This one is absolutely amazing and hilarious and YOU NEED TO READ IT!! Ladybug and Chat Noir are superhero rivals, always trying to outdo each other, and being annoyed at the other. Marinette and Adrien get a meet-cute and fall in love. The juxtaposition is perfect and ridiculous and THAT IDENTITY REVEAL OMG.

Dearly despised, (I love you) by @snacc-noir

Marinette could go on about why she hated Adrien Agreste—to his pranking tendencies to ineffable attractiveness—ever since he had the audacity that day with the umbrella.

And yet, here she was fake-dating him while in love with a superhero.

Adrienette Enemies AU. Warning: This is a WIP! But it's so much fun. Basically Adrien and Marinette never sorted out the misunderstanding with the gum and instead just dug themselves deeper and deeper in hate with their miscommunications. Meanwhile ladynoir are totally in love with each other. Add in a whole bunch of sexual tension and seeing just where the author teases out these missed chances and it's beautiful.

Curiosity and Satisfaction by @imthepunchlord

When Adrien agreed to this line of work, he thought all his focus would be on the job of catching the elusive Lady Luck. It never crossed his mind that someone else would catch his attention.

Ladynoir Enemies AU. Although this is a ladynoir enemies AU, this dynamic change bleeds into all of the different sides of the love square and it's so different and interesting! I loved how the changes made actually affected other aspects. The story feels very real and believable.

like poles of a magnet by @rosekasa

ladybug spat her blood at chat noir. invincibility was only granted to the ladybug and black cat that worked together. not even the miraculous cure could heal them, otherwise.

(or, five times they didn’t hate each other, and one time it was love).

Ladynoir Enemies AU. The enemies dynamic here is AMAZING!! Adrien is so in character even when he’s a “bad guy”, and the backstory of how he ended up working with Hawkmoth is perfect. (Also, how is Gabriel even worse??) I love the way the identities are played with, and especially the repercussions of Chat working for Hawkmoth on what Adrien is allowed to do.

Unstuck by @ominousunflower

Chat Noir, notorious supervillain of Paris, experiences a wardrobe malfunction in the best and worst possible place: Marinette Dupain-Cheng’s balcony.

Heart pounding, Chat pins Marinette’s wrists to the balcony. She stares up at him, her blue eyes kaleidoscopic from the lights hanging overhead, her features twisted into a scowl.

“Why are you trying to take my Miraculous?” Chat hisses.

“Because—you—I—” Marinette splutters, her eyes dipping down below Chat’s face. “Why is your suit unzipped?”

“I—well…” Chat sighs. “My zipper got stuck.”

Ladynoir Enemies AU featuring Marichat. I'm an absolute sucker for villain!Chat who just needs someone who's willing to care for and believe in him. And, even as a villain, he's still so recognizably Adrien here. My hearttttt!

out of the woods. by @anxiouscupcake

“I- I have a… Someone I care about very much,” Adrien admitted. “I’m only doing this because my father gave me no choice.” “Well,” she said, lips pursed. “I don’t have it in me to fight The Gabriel Agreste, right now. My hands are tied too.” “I’m sorry.”

To his credit, he genuinely sounded a little remorseful. She even resented him a little for it, because she had so much more to lose than he did, but he just wanted to stay in Daddy’s good books.

She grimaced. Marriage, for one year, they agreed. And a painful few months of “courtship” to convince the press of the authenticity of their “marriage”.

In eighteen months, her father would be hale and hearty, and she’d divorce Adrien Agreste and be nothing more than his business partner.

(...In which Gabriel is an asshole, Adrien is trying and Marinette's stubborn but gives in eventually.)

This is a 2-part series that isn’t finished and that I desperately hope is continued. It’s not EXACTLY enemies AU per se, but it hits the same sweet spot. Ladynoir are in love, but can’t be together. Adrienette are forced to marry because of circumstances and Marinette resents Adrien for it. It’s got Enemies to Friends to Lovers vibes, even if we haven’t gotten that last part yet, and I love it!

i have found someone (like a nomad finds a home) by @hanaasbananas

After Stoneheart, Gabriel figured out who Chat Noir was, and forced him to work for him, rather than with Ladybug. Years later, Adrien is miserable until one night, he meets Marinette Dupain-Cheng.

Ladynoir Enemies AU featuring Marichat. Sort of a Never Met AU in that Adrien doesn't start attending school until after he's been a villain for some time and after he's gotten to know (and fallen for) Marinette as Chat. I love it when Chat's a villain and his love for Marinette/Ladybug helps him make better choices!

This Red Love by @hanaasbananas

In another world, he loves her. Would lay down his life for her without a second thought. Would be devoted only to her. In another world, they are partners, fighting side by side to keep Paris safe from Hawkmoth. Ladybug and Chat Noir, heroes of Paris. In this world, Ladybug is his enemy; the only thing standing in the way of what he most desires. In this world, he is not a hero.

Or the one where Adrien and Marinette are dating, but Chat Noir works for Hawkmoth. Angst ensues.

Ladynoir Enemies AU featuring Adrienette. This one has so much tension and the identity reveal and the ladynoir conflict really impacts the adrienette relationship and it's fantastic!

#miraculous ladybug #ml fanfic #ml fic recs #fic rec #adrienette #ladynoir #adrinette #enemies to lovers #enemies au #jennarecsml

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elmariachu · 4 years ago

Text

How would each of The OBEY ME BROTHERS react to MC finding them the most attractive? (The brothers x Fem!MC)

<Summary> : OM Boys & Fem! MC Playing truth or dare, MC gets asked which brother she finds the most attractive as well as their collective responses/reactions based on the brother. [HC/dialogue..]

Part 2

___________________

MC : I'll go for Truth.

Asmo : So~ MC~ Who would you say is the most attractive one out of us???

MC : Oh.. Uhm... *Hesitates*

Asmo : It's me isn't it?~You can say it, don't be shy my dear *chirps merrily..*

Mammon : Pft, shut it, Asmo! Oi, Mc! yer obviously gonna pick me right? I was yer first ye know!

Levi : ..What kind of a question is that?.. *mumbles* I'm not even gonna be on that list..probably.

Satan : How is that related to the question at all, Mammon? If MC has even a bit of common sense, which she does, she would pick me. *Locks eyes* Right? MC.

Belphie : ..wakes up Huh..? What are you arguing about? mMmh..

Beel : Asmo asked MC who she thinks is the most attractive.

Belphie : Out of us? Huuh, I'm interested.

Beel : ...I am curious to know too.

MC : ...*avoids eye contact and tries to think*

Lucifer : What's wrong, MC? Cat bite your tongue? *chuckle* [Knows it's gonna be him and wants to hear her say it already]

Satan : MC, if you are worried about offending us, don't fret. You can be candid. [In his mind it's obviousy gonna be him, do you see the way she blushes at only the sight of his face at times?]

MC : Aaah. But.. it's... Erm. I have to pick only one? *nervous, feeling all eyes on her*

Asmo : Well, of course! My dear~ We all know who it's going to be so don't hold back.

Feeling their patience running thin

MC : But how would you even define ... attractiveness...? I uhm, I think you're all attractive. Objectively..

Mammon : Oi.. What are ye so nervous for? Just say my name MC!

Satan : You're overthinking it, MC. [Just say whatever name comes to your head. Which is gonna be him, of course.]

Levi : .. *mumbles* I want this to be over with, seriously! It's giving me so much anxiety...

Beel : *Stares at MC intently* Hmm..

Belphie : *Laying down on his pillow with one eye open, scanning MC's face* Say it already~

Lucifer : I agree with Satan, You're giving it too much thought MC. Base it on your preferences. Let's get this done with and move on.

MC : OKAY! Fine. I'll .. I'll say it, based on my "preferences".. I guess it would be...

Lucifer :

MC : OKAY! Fine. I'll .. I'll say it, based on my "preferences".. I guess it would be... Lucifer!

*A few are not all that surprised, but most are pretty irritated*

*MC peeks at him with her head hanging, wanting to gauge his reaction despite her embarassment*

Lucifer :*eyes widen slightly, a pink tint forming on his cheeks, but he maintains his composure*

Lucifer : *chuckle* Well, naturally. [Smugness apparent in his expression, eyes closed, conceited smirk, crossed arms, the whole package]

Mammon : *stands up dramatically* WHAT? MC, are ya serious? Yer gonna pick *HIM*?

Lucifer : *shoots him a baleful glare which puts him back in his seat rather quickly*

Satan : MC, you must be blind. *Clearly annoyed*

MC: ...You said you wouldn't be upset. *apologetically looks at Satan*

Satan : You didn't have to go and choose the worst of us, though.

Lucifer : Satan.

Satan : Tch.

Asmo : I see how you can think that, but I'm really hurt you didn't pick me, MC!~ *fake cries*

Levi : *Wasn't even listening, already had his D.D.D. out and was gaming so as not to hear her answer*

Belphie : Ugh. How lame. *goes back to sleep*

Beel : Hm? *Looks down at him* Are you disappointed, Belphie?

Belphie : I'm annoyed she'd pick someone as narcissistic as Lucifer, that's just inflating his already gigantic ego.

Belphie : If anything she should've picked you, Beel.

Beel: ...Well. *poor boy thinks she should've picked belphie bc he's just so cute*

Mammon :

MC : OKAY! Fine. I'll .. I'll say it, based on my "preferences".. I guess it would be... Mammon!

*Incredulous looks shooting from all around the room, their shock is almost palpable, especially Mammon's*

Mammon: *Was the first to snap out of his shock to speak* Wh-what?.. [she picked him? wow. I mean. He wanted her to, part of him believed she might, but she really did...?]

Mammon : W-well, of course! You would choose the *great* Mammon. That's a good human!

[he feigns confidence, is genuinely happy, still thinks she didn't totally mean it for some reason.]

Satan : I'm convinced that you have something wrong your eyesight, MC. *even more annoyed than the last scenario*

Asmo : PFFFT- This must be a joke, right? MC? Tell me you're joking dear. Picking Mammon when I'm here? [genuinely thinks she's pranking them]

Levi : *takes his earphones off in time to hear* Wait, did I hear that right? Did she say Mammon?

*receives glum nods from a couple brothers*

Levi : BAHAHAHA, GOOD ONE, MC! HAHAHA/

Mammon : H-hey! Stop laughing! You're all jealous aren't ya! Bet yer mad it ain't you!

Belphie : No, we're surprised more than anything.

Satan : MC, are you sure you weren't coerced into doing this?

Lucifer : *sigh* MC. I didn't realize you had such strange tastes. I'm disappointed.

Poor guy gets flamed.

Beel :*pretty surprised, expected her answer to be Asmo, Lucifer or Satan. Assumes she doesn't find him attractive and is kind of sad*

POOR BABY IDIDJDJ

Levi :

MC : OKAY! Fine. I'll .. I'll say it, based on my "preferences".. I guess it would be... Levi!

*Once again, everyone finds it a bit hard to believe, though they're kind of happy for him.*

*They're not sure how to react, & no word is uttered for a while*

Levi : Uh.. Yes? Do you need something MC? [why is she shouting out his name right before a big revelation like that? Did she want his help in delivering the answer?] *Is genuinely confused*

Levi : *upon receiving no response, puts his earphones back in*

Asmo : Heeeh? It's Levi? Really??

Mammon : Levi? You're gonna pick that anti-social shut-in over ME, *THE* Mammon ? REALLY?

Satan : Huh. I didn't expect that. [What a peculiar taste this human has.]

Levi : *Takes off his earphones again, upon hearing his name being mentioned too much*

Levi : You're being distracting, what do you normies want? *is annoyed*

Mammon : Oi Levi, you absolute idiot. She picked you.

Levi : Picked me for what? Why are you involving me in your normie plans.

Asmo : Ugh, seriously? He doesn't even realize it.

Asmo : MC sweetie! You can always take it back, I'm the better choice anyway~

Lucifer : I doubt he will ever even begin to believe it, this is futile. Let's move on.

Belphie : "Pshh. MC is probably the first person to find him attractive. How funny."

Beel : ... [Not much to say, he's just like "oh? I see". They do spend a lot of time together after all. Finds it endearing, he has someone who's attracted to him now.] MY PRECIOUS BABY

Levi : *takes him a good minute to realize what's actually going on, only after seeing MC's flushed face, her growing frustration at his responses, the remarks of his brothers all jumbled together that he starts to understand*

Levi : *All comes down on him at once, blood rushes to his head and he shortcircuits as MC stares at him*

Mammon : O-oi! Levi! Are you okay?

Boy is not okay.

Satan :

MC : OKAY! Fine. I'll .. I'll say it, based on my "preferences".. I guess it would be... Satan!

*Again, Satan was an expected response, not much surprise there, he was arguably the most held-together one of the bunch*

Satan : [Oh? He knew she'd choose him. Her prior reactions proved that much. But was still a bit taken aback, she singled him out, it pleased him.]

Satan : Is that so? I'm honored, MC. *shoots MC playful smirk, feigning surprise*

Mammon : Seriously? Satan? Booo! [thinks he's one of the lame options, he's so uptight, he reminds him of lucifer, then again thinks the only non-lame choice is himself.]

Lucifer : Hm. Satan? He's a reasonable enough choice. If I hadn't picked myself, I would have done the same.

Satan : [the hell did he just say?] *mumbles* ..Disgusting.

Satan : No one asked for your input, Lucifer.

Levi : That's a TMI bro. *isn't surprised by the answer either, typical basic normie answer, is secretly salty*

Lucifer : What does that mean? Leviathan? And Satan, care to repeat what you said? *cue sadistic smile*

Satan : TCH.

MC : ...

Belphie : Hm, Satan's not too bad of a choice. at least she didn't pick Lucifer. [as close to a compliment as you'll get from belphie, just take it]

Beel : ...I suppose. [Again, expected Satan to be the answer, is used to seeing people swoon for him effortlessly..]

Satan is the pretty boy apparently

Will drop Asmo, Beel, & Belphie next!

Part 2 !

#obey me #obey me asmodeus #obey me beelzebub #obey me belphegor #obey me headcanons #obey me imagine #obey me levi #obey me leviathan #obey me lucifer #obey me lucifer x mc #obey me x mc #obey me x reader #obey me lucifer x reader #obey me shall we date #obey me satan #om fanfic

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makeste · 3 years ago

Text

BnHA Chapter 322: IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME

Previously on BnHA: Endeavor was all, “Kirishima please take Hagakure and Aoyama and put them away somewhere out of sight until we’re finally ready for the U.A. Traitor Plot.” Shouto was all “HEY DEKU DID IT EVER OCCUR TO YOU THAT MAYBE YOU WANDERING THE STREETS LOOKING LIKE A GOTH PRAYING MANTIS IS EXACTLY WHAT AFO WANTS.” Deku was all “I’M SORRY I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF MY CRUSHING MARTYR COMPLEX AND ACCUMULATED TRAUMA.” Mineta was all “HEY DEKU YOU SWEET THANG, IF I COULD REARRANGE THE ALPHABET I’D PUT ‘U’ AND ‘I’ TOGETHER, ANYWAYS HMU 💖”, or at least that’s what fandom apparently thought he said. Everyone was all “WELL SINCE WE’RE BACK HERE IN KAMINO WE SHOULD DO THE THING” and did the whole “launching someone into the air to save someone by dramatically grabbing their hand” thing that everybody fucking loves to do in Kamino so damn much. Iida was all “[bombards me and Deku with feels].” Deku was all, “ू(ʚ̴̶̷́ .̠ ʚ̴̶̷̥̀ ू).” I was all, “(;*△*;).” Horikoshi was all, “my work here is done.”

Today on BnHA:

oh my god.

so I finally went back to look at what I wrote up for 321 last week, and it’s a hot fucking mess lol, and I really don’t want to deal with that right now, so we’re just gonna skip it and go back sometime in the next few days or something because I really want to read the new chapter and I have no self control. I’M SORRY IIDA

oh my god he’s breaking out the narration word bubbles oh my god. shit is about to get epic isn’t it

has there ever been a chapter that opened with these that WASN’T epic? serious question. anyways all aboard the Feels Express I guess

YEP

I saved a bunch of other crying kaomojis when I was looking for ones to use in the “previously on” summary, and right now it’s looking like that was a good fucking decision you guys. if I’m going to be an emotional wreck I might as well do it in style ʕ ಡ ﹏ ಡ ʔ

AND BY THE WAY!!

SHOULD I JUST THANK HORIKOSHI NOW AND SAVE MYSELF SOME TIME LATER. THE MAN ALWAYS FUCKING DELIVERS WHAT ELSE CAN I FUCKING SAY GODDAMN. IS IT TOO EARLY TO DECLARE THIS MY NEW FAVORITE CHAPTER? I SHOULD PROBABLY READ FURTHER THAN ONE PAGE BUT I’VE JUST GOT A FEELING

(ETA: it’s like. maybe my second favorite lol. A HUG WOULD HAVE PUT IT IN FIRST, I’M JUST SAYING.)

anyway so Ochako is releasing Iida, which is actually hilarious, because idk if you all know this but Iida can’t fucking fly you guys

like, I assume Ochako released him because she already knew that Kirishima was in place to catch him, but I really love this split-second of panic on Iida’s part where he’s all “HMM, IS OCHAKO TRYING TO KILL ME, ACTUALLY”

LOL THERE’S A THOOM AND EVERYTHING

that’s some plus fucking ultra on Ochako’s part right there. “IF THEY DIE THEY DIE” goddamn girl did you leave your chill in the same locker as Momo or what

now poor Kiri is all “DAMMIT DEKU ARE YOU PASSED OUT OR WHAT, I DIDN’T GET TO TELL YOU MY THING GODDAMMIT”

oh my gosh he is curled up so small you guys oh my fucking lord

RESIDUAL “LOST CHILD” FEELS FROM LAST WEEK COMING IN FOR A LANDING!! PLEASE MAKE SURE YOUR SEATBACKS AND TRAY TABLES ARE IN THEIR UPRIGHT POSITIONS OMG ( ˚͈͈͈͈̥̆ ₍₎ ˚͈͈͈͈̥̆ )

LMAO IIDA IS TRYING TO CONFIRM THAT OCHAKO PLANNED FOR KIRISHIMA TO CATCH HIM, AND KIRISHIMA IS ALL “NOPE I’M JUST HERE BY CHANCE BRO”

Ochako is the U.A. Traitor confirmed. Hagakure I am so sorry I doubted you. Ochako get over here. so are you Toga now or what

anyway so now everyone is running over before Iida can react to this casual announcement of his attempted murder. and now Mina is taking her turn, and Horikoshi is all “HEY BTW IS MINA CRYING ON THE LIST OF THINGS THAT MAKE YOU CRY?” and of fucking course it is, you bastard. I’m not made of stone

( ɵ̥̥ ˑ̫ ɵ̥̥)

SLDKFJLSDKJ:LKWEJ

IS THIS THE PART WHERE I JUST START SCREAMING INCOHERENTLY FOR THE REST OF THE CHAPTER LOL. SURE FEELS LIKE WE ARE GETTING TO THAT TIME

OH MY GOD KACCHAN AHHHHH

I CAN’T OMG LOL I ALREADY GLANCED AT THE NEXT COUPLE OF PANELS, AND HE’S STARTING A WHOLEASS MONOLOGUE ABOUT ALL OF HIS DEKU FEELS AND OH MY GOD

“HERE YOU GO MAKESTE, A WHOLE CHAPTER OF ALL YOUR FAVORITE META TOPICS JUST THE WAY YOU LIKE THEM” THANK YOU HORIKOSHI YOU’RE A BRO (っ˘̩╭╮˘̩)っ

SLKASODIFALWKFLKJ

THEY’RE JUST DEKU AND KACCHAN. holy shit you guys. because oh my god, but it’s like when Deku was talking to the Vestiges about saving Tomura, and he turned into his little child self because his heart and intentions were so pure?? and it’s like that again, except that we’re seeing them as their child selves because that’s who they are to each other?? like, not that they actually see each other as children, but just, they can see past all of the stuff on the outside and see each other to their cores, to who they are inside, and when they look at each other they each simply see the other boy that they’ve known their whole entire life. idk?? does that make sense??? DOES ANY OF THIS EVEN MAKE SENSE I DON’T KNOW WHAT WORDS ARE ANYMORE I’M JUST SWIMMING IN FEELS OKAY. I’M TRYING HERE

they’re just boys, is what I’m trying to say, I guess. just Deku and Kacchan. all the walls are down, all the gaps are bridged, and all it is is the one boy reaching out and connecting with the other, and just,,, (꒦ິ⌓꒦ີ)

OH MY GOD [GRABBING YOUR SHOULDERS AND POINTING WORDLESSLY] !!!1LK1

DO YOU ALL KNOW WHAT THIS IS YOU GUYS

HOW PERFECTLY FUCKING RAD. WELL LET ME JUST ENJOY THESE LAST FEW SECONDS BEFORE MY LIFE IS FOREVER CHANGED, I GUESS

GOD

CAN HE EVEN SAY THAT??? IS THAT EVEN LEGAL??? IS HE EVEN FUCKING ALLOWED TO SAY THAT. WHAT IS HAPPENING

OH MY GOD!!! OH MY GOD!!! OH MY GOD!!!!!!

─=≡Σ((( つ ◕o◕ )つ

GET IN HERE, EVERYONE!!

Y’ALL HE REALLY DID IT. “BAKUGOU IS SUCH AN ASSHOLE HE HASN’T EVEN APOLOGIZED” WELL GUESS FUCKING WHAT. GUESS FUCKING WHAT, YOU GUYS!! LET’S FUCKING GOOOOO ((((／￣∇￣)／＼(￣∇￣＼)))) AHHHHHHHHHH

OHHHHHHHH

HEH. I’M ALREADY DEAD, HORIKOSHI, YOU BASTARD. DO YOUR WORST. GO ON

YOU CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON “US”, HE SAYS. ALONG WITH A BUNCH OF OTHER STUFF OMG. KACCHAN, YOU STUDIED!! YOU UNDERSTAND!! PREACH!!

OH NO!!

OH WAIT!!!!

LOL I GOT SCARED THERE FOR A SECOND BUT ANYWAY! EVERYONE GET IN HERE!!! GROUP HUG!!! OR WAIT, NO, WHAT ABOUT -- [GRABS YOUR COLLAR URGENTLY] YOU DON’T THINK -- COULD THEY POSSIBLY -- !!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

ARE YOU GONNA HUG!??!?!?!?! I AM NOT OKAY!!!!!!! !!!hgk

REACTION PANELS LOL EVERYONE ELSE IS ON THE EDGE OF THEIR SEATS TOO WE’RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER

LOL OCHAKO

I KNOW THAT IN REALITY THIS FACE IS JUST BECAUSE SHE’S CONCERNED ABOUT DEKU’S FRAGILE STATE RN, BUT I KEEP THINKING ABOUT THE WAY SHE JUST DROPPED IIDA COLD THOUGH, AND I CAN’T HELP BUT FEAR FOR KACCHAN’S SAFETY LMAO. THAT FEELING WHEN THE CLASS PERV AND THE CLASS BULLY BOTH BEAT YOU TO THE LOVE CONFESSION. KACCHAN WATCH YOUR SIX

OKAY BUT LOOK, IT’S NOT THAT I DON’T LOVE ALL OF THE OTHER KIDS, OKAY, BUT CAN WE PLEASE!??!?! HELLO?!?!? MOMO, JUST -- COULD YOU JUST FOR A MINUTE --

NOOOOOOOOOOO

“DON’T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT, I HAVE TO SAVE SOMETHING FOR THE FINALE” HORIKOSHI YOU BETTER WATCH OUT, I’M COMING FOR YOU WITH A TWO BY FOUR!! NOT THAT I’M UNGRATEFUL!! BUT JESUS CHRIST, YOU CAN’T JUST DO THAT, AND THEN ALMOST DO THAT, AND THEN NOT!! OMG I HATE YOU

sure let’s cut to Thirteen then, yay. I mean I’m glad they’re alive lol, don’t get me wrong

(ETA: I think that might have sounded a bit sarcastic so I just want to clarify that I really am happy Thirteen is alive and on the job again lol.)

it’s just that if your name doesn’t begin with Baku or Deku I honestly am not interested for just these next five minutes okay lol. like I’m just gonna be completely honest. I am too invested lol, please, they were having a moment, JUST LET ME HAVE THIS PLEASE

OH DAMN U.A. GOT SWOLE AF

THIS SCHOOL HAS BEEN JUICING WTF. I THOUGHT YOU WERE TARTARUS LOL

I’m literally not even reading the speech bubbles though omg I’m so sorry. I really hope there is not a quiz, I promise I will come back to it later scroll scroll scroll

okay so they brought him back to U.A. and he’s all tired and out of it yes

oh goody Hagakure knows all about the security system

(ETA: is it just me or is Horikoshi really laying it on thick with the hints about these two guys lately? I’m on to you sir.)

THAT’S WONDERFUL NEWS. GLAD THIS CRITICAL KNOWLEDGE IS SAFE IN THE HANDS OF THE PEOPLE THAT WE TRUST

ffs Deku

WHAT WILL IT EVEN TAKE TO CONVINCE YOU THEN?? SWEET JESUS

-- holy shit, what??!

they know?? how did they find out??! holy shit???

I’m about to cancel the whole of Japan lmao. fucking try me dudes

-- THE PRINCIPAL!?

NEZU GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!! WHAT THE FUCK

“a ticking time bomb” tell you what, this man is just asking to be punched in the face. literally begging for it omg

(ETA: I have been advised that I misread this part; Rat Principal told everyone how safe U.A. was, but he’s not the one who ratted out Deku; that was “the rumors”, apparently. which, if I had to guess, were probably started by AFO.)

oh I see, so it’s to be Feels, Part II then

he looks so sad and tired and lonely and she goes right for the hand, god bless. though if Kacchan’s not gonna hug him, you’d think someone would at least. or is it because he still smells bad. hmm

AND THE CHAPTER’S ENDING ON HER LOL WELL OKAY THEN

I MEAN IT’S GREAT AND ALL, I LOVE OCHAKO REALLY I DO, BUT WE WERE PROMISED GREAT EXPLOSION MURDER GODS, WHAT GIVES SOB. I WAS ALL READY TO BREAK OUT INTO SONG AND EVERYTHING. SURE, HE DID THE APOLOGY, BUT WHERE IS THE FOLLOW-UP GODDAMMIT

(ETA: just to clarify the reason for my rambling here, I was really waiting for the hero name reveal and the presumed deeper meaning behind it lol. but I guess that is a conversation still to come! and we still need Deku’s response to the apology too for that matter. lots to look forward to still.)

WELL WHATEVER, SO THAT IS THE END OF THE CHAPTER! SHOUT OUT TO MY BOY RAT “LET ME JUST TELL EVERYONE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD ABOUT DEKU’S SUPER SECRET IDENTITY, I GUESS THAT’S ALL RIGHT NOW, NOTHING BAD COULD POSSIBLY COME OF THIS” PRINCIPAL. listen here you little shit

anyway but if you’ll excuse me... IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME. IF I COULD FIND A WAY. I’D TAKE BACK THOSE WORDS THAT HAVE HURT YOU, AND YOU’D STAY. I DON’T KNOW WHY I DID THE THINGS I DID. I DON’T KNOW WHY I SAID THE THINGS I SAID. PRIDE’S LIKE A KNIFE, IT CAN CUT DEEP INSIDE. WORDS ARE LIKE WEAPONS, THEY WOUND SOMETIMES. BUM~ BUM~ BUM~, I DIDN’T REALLY MEAN TO HURT YOU. BUM~ BUM~ BUM~, I DIDN’T WANNA SEE YOU GO. I KNOW I MADE YOU CRY, BUT BABAY, IF I COULD TUUUUURN BACK TIIIIIIIIIIIME...

#bnha 322 #midoriya izuku #bakugou katsuki #bakudeku #uraraka ochako #class 1-a #bnha #boku no hero academia #bnha spoilers #mha spoilers #bnha manga spoilers #makeste reads bnha #IF I COULD REACH THE STARS #I'D GIVE THEM ALL TO YOU #IF I COULD TURN BACK TIIIIIIIIME

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