#the world is always just happening im not taking an active part in it

[natjennie]

i dont quite know how to phrase this but im curious if yall know what I mean. ive been thinking the past couple days that i dont know if I've ever really felt like a person. like, it never really feels like im doing anything, things are just happening to me. do you know what i mean? like I'm never fully "out of body" seeing myself from the outside, but i do kinda feel like I float like two inches removed from myself at all times. like sometimes it doesnt feel like my body has me controlling it, it's just doing what it wants and im up here in the head part like, separate. idk if any of this makes any sense at all but yeah it just kind of lowkey always feels like im watching a first person youtube video instead of like, actively doing things.

[lcpmon]

idk how other ppl learn to read characters but even when someone has very few lines, if they're not a few throwaway lines and have a smidgen of thought put into them, you can really deduct a lot of things from what they say without mountains of dialogue and array of actions they take.

cIaus, even Iucas via his few lines and interactive dialogue, is so easy to understand and learn what hes about from the dialogue you are given. it shouldnt be hard to mess him up

and even tho these are more active characters in the story with goals to achieve and story beats to hit, u rly can apply the same to lngo and 3mmet. u can make assumptions or deduct possible aspects about how they act from breaking down their dialogue and possible routine. some things might be completely speculative and pulled out of thin air but as long as it matches the characters general front its hard to go wrong

[lovystar]

❝ A PRINCESS’ WILL ❞ ; BADA LEE

synopsis──after an assassination attempt, the queen invites the very best fighters from across the land to compete for the great honor of protecting you, the princess.

content──bada lee x unnamed fem!oc (reader). princess!reader, soldier under disguise!bada. currently unedited, pls be nice lol. fictional combination of medieval european and korea’s joseon dynasty aspects bc im not too concerned about making it realistic. incorrect pronouns (when not in bada’s pov). this world is matrilineal bc I said so. bada's a flirt. eventual smut w/ switch!bada.

word count ── approx. 5.4k

───

YOUR MOTHER’S STRONG HOLD—on the country, on the castle, on her children, and on you in particular as the oldest—was suffocating. You were destined to rule over millions, and your mother would not let you forget it. You had to be strong, caring for your people but unforgiving to others. That’s how she ruled. She’d shape you to be the same queen she was, and she’ll drill it into your head herself if she needs to.

Your pride would never allow you to say this to her face, but you supposed that she did a good enough job. The people loved her: she kept them safe and fed, gave them more than enough to start caring beyond their necessities and seek self-actualization, to flourish in the arts. She wasn’t very popular among foreign lands, and you might even go on to say that they feared her. She was often fair when wronged, but very rarely did she ever pardon those wrongs. She has never, in the time you've been alive.

Once, when you were very little and you were still taking lessons with some children of noble descent, you heard them repeat a saying they’d learn from their parents:

“Loving are her eyes, beauty bestowed, but fear the night the Hawk catches you lurking near her nest, lest you desire your entrails be fed to the eyas nights on end.” 

They spoke of their Queen with reverence and adoration.

Her way of ruling worked well for many years; you got to live a life of peace and prosperity the entirety of your childhood. Not many other kingdoms can say the same.

On top of your queenly history lessons and politics and mathematics and the sciences, she wanted you to be good at protecting yourself. While she has acquired the most apt Royal Guard, a future queen must still be able to hold her own. She ordered only the best archers and swords to teach you, and you were…decent, at it. The years of practice successfully stuck some things into you: how to hold a sword and a bow and arrow, which body parts to target, how to be light in your feet (this one was specifically useful whenever you wanted to leave the royal palace).

In your defense, your natural sensibilities were drawn to something else entirely. You’d always say reading was a more sensible passage of time. You would spend hours upon hours lounging in one of the library nooks or on a blanket in the palace gardens, surrounded by the pastel of the flowers.

You were in that garden when the assassin took a knife to your throat.

You lived, but it scared your mother terribly. Surprising—since you’d never known her to be a person who had any fears. In your mind, it could only mean two things. One, she loved you to some extent—she might just have a weird way of expressing it. Two, someone was threatening her bloodline and consequently, perhaps more importantly, someone was threatening her throne.

And she will not let that happen in her lifetime.

───

It has been two weeks since your throat was sliced open. Two weeks since the doctor instructed you to minimize strenuous activity and if you could, stay in bed as to not open the stitches.

‘You don’t know how lucky you are,’ the doctor has told you every day after your daily checkup. You know this, of course. Had the knife gone any deeper and had your court ladies not been around the corner, you’d be dead. It was, however, a hilarious thought that someone would bring a blunt knife to an assassination.

Your mother didn’t think it was funny. But in your delicate state, the anger in her eyes had never been funnier, and it pained your throat whenever you’d attempt to laugh.

“Will you stop it? The doctor spent hours on those. What will we do if they scar?” You rolled your eyes in response and she scoffed. “Glad to see you’re as genteel as ever, it’d be a shame if you had lost that lively nature of yours.” It sounded sarcastic, but she meant it. She did not want you to be passive. In her mind, that would only led to you becoming spineless and spineless Queen can't rule. You ignored her words, instead gesturing for one of the maids to bring you a cup of water.

“I’ve arranged for the competition to take place tomorrow, do you think you’ll be up for it?”

You furrowed your brows, “Competition?” Your voice came out roughly. The stitches began to itch.

Your mother groaned, “Please refrain from speaking, but yes, competition, have you not been listening to me? The best soldiers and eligible men have been traveling from across the nation for some time now. The men will fight and we shall see who is best equipped to protect the Crown Princess.”

“Must—” you coughed, “must we make them fight? Can’t we just pick one?”

“Just pick one?” She looked into your eyes incredulously, “You must have hit your head and injured your intelligences if you think I’d let just any one person be in charge of you. You must have the best.”

“Yes, Mother.”

“Very well.” She nodded once, “The doctor has cleared you to attend so rest, you will be awakened bright and early tomorrow!”

She walked out of the room and left you to your devices. You sighed. You allowed your court ladies to help you out of your daily garments, clean your wound, place the ointment and replace the bandage.

You repeated the process in the morning, placing a necklace over the bandage, ensuring it is not too tight but stays in place. You prepared for the days’ events, and after a couple of restrained breaths, you walked out of the room with your court ladies in toe.

───

Bada Lee spent her childhood just outside the place. Her family had raised generations of soldiers, many of which served in the Royal Guard. That was, until her father was dismissed and demoted to being a simple guard in the rural countryside. He had dedicated his entire life to the Queen and it was a shock to everyone when he’d been told of his dismissal. Up to his last breath, he’d grow angry whenever she’d asked him why. Why did we leave? How could a loving Queen throw us away as if we were nothing? She’d been upheaved from the City, and littered some place where she’d have to fight if she wanted anything to come from her life. Well, fight harder than she’d have to in the City.

Still, she knew that it didn’t matter where she was. Whether in the Capital City or the countryside, external expectations would have her be a wife and a mother soon after. She watched her mother suffer under these conditions, watched her neighbors, and the change in her friends’ nature as they came of age and were married off. They were all unhappy.

She’d be damned if she was destined to a miserable marriage. But above all, she’d be damned if she dies a nobody. Just another woman, forgotten by history.

Nope. That’s not her.

Growing up, she loved watching her father and brother train. She’d try to join, but her father would quickly push her away. She would try day after day, but it couldn’t be helped. So she turned to making her own sword out of a fallen tree branch. She’d copy their movements, the placement of their feet and how the air would rest in their lungs and rush out with the lunge of the sword—well, the lunge of the stick for her. Her brother agreed to train with her, but in his teenage years, he grew resentful of her talent. He decided to begin training a different skill, archery, but soon enough, he realized that this too came naturally for her. Over the years he turned to different combat skills, only for Bada to overpower him again and again. One day, he stopped helping her at all.

It was a cold winter when the sickness spread across the countryside. It was the sickness that took her father and it was the sickness that took her brother. The town had to develop a new burial site due to the amount of people that died at the beginning of the season. Death didn't relent there; people continued dying and dying until that site was full with bodies.

By the time her family succumbed to their sickness, there was nowhere to put them. For days on end, her only company was their cold bodies. She had placed them in a separate room, putting as much distance as she could. As the winter grew colder and she stared at the makeshift tomb’s door, she realized she depended entirely on them. As it stood, she was nothing, less than nothing, by herself. It was a matter of time before someone hunted her down, a young woman without any male relatives left and tried to turn her into a sellable thing.

She’d be damned.

In a feat of fear and anger, she grabbed her brother’s clothes and changed into them and styled her hair as he would. She looked into the small mirror, surprised to see that her crazy plan might just work.

But she needed to make people think it was her that died.

The day the town hall proposed a mass burial, she changed her brother’s clothes into her own and loosened his hair from the top knot it was in. She shaved his beard, feeling disgusted at the act and with herself for feeling the need to do this. She pushed through: this was about her survival. She reported the bodies, and snuck into the site later that night. Sure, she would be shamelessly taking her brother’s identity from this day forward, but that did not mean she would bury her brother in anything other than his clothes. She did not want that karma. Plus she could afford to lose one of the five hanboks.

The next day, she watched anxiously as they buried the mass of bodies.

She should’ve felt terrible about her relief once they were under the soil, and she did, she would miss them. At some point during the week she lived with their corpses, she forgave them for any bad they did to her. She could only think of the good things now, her father’s jjigae and her brother’s light banter.

She did feel bad, but at the same time, a weight had been lifted. She wouldn’t need to get married now, she could pursue something, she could walk around at night without a chaperone and she could talk to people without worrying about being seen as vulgar.

Yes, under her disguise, she was finally free.

───

Lee Bada had been Lee Hae for a year by the time the Queen requested all eligible soldiers to report to the Capital City. Her commanding officer recommended her to go as one of the top soldiers under his command. She has managed to climb her way through the ranks, demonstrating her strength wherever she went.

Nobody knew the Mother of the Nation had called them to the palace, but if only the strongest were allowed to go, then Bada was going to make sure she was at top.

It was strange being back in the Capital City and even weirder to see the inside of the palace when all she’d known before was its gates.

Bada stood in line with the rest of the soldiers in the palace’s courtyard, towering over some of them. Her back maintained straight, her head held high, as the Crown Princess approached the Queen. She bowed to the queen and sat down next to her. Bada controlled her facial expressions, but her feelings couldn’t be helped. The Crown Princess had made the soldiers wait under the sun, and now she had the audacity to look bored. Despite being so far away, she could see the way you whispered into one of your court ladies’ ears and how they covered their mouth. The laughter showed in their eyes though. In contrast, your attempt to cover your giggle was lazy, your hand falling from the front of your mouth before you could control your expression once more. Bada wanted to scoff. Had you no decency? Before Bada’s bitterness could grow further, the Queen began speaking.

“Welcome, loyal soldiers and citizens. I have invited you here today to compete for the highest honor of joining the Royal Guard and protecting your Crown Princess.” Her open palm gestured to her side, where the Princess sat gracefully. “It is a title that comes with great responsibility, and requires skill, power and loyalty. It would please me for each of you to partake and serve your country in the process. If you wish to stay, please take a step forward.”

Each of the four hundred soldiers took a step, the sound booming through the courtyard. Bada did not look to see if any citizens had stepped forward.

“I am so glad! The competition consists of a six stages with different ‘games.’ You must accumulate enough points in each stage to successfully move up to the next one. Today, we shall begin the first stage. You must ride out into the woods and bring back a rabbit that has been trapped and hidden. There are only two hundred rabbits.” the Queen paused and with a clap of her hands, “Go!”

───

“I don’t get the point of this game,” You stated without looking up from your book. “They’ve been out there for hours and no one is back yet.”

“Patience, daughter,” the Queen responded, “There must be a basis to being a good protector, is there not? Wouldn’t you say that enduring long distance and persevering in the woods is a good baseline?”

“You are so creative, Mother,” you sighed into your book, “You can come up with such fantastical scenarios.”

“So you would rather have someone who doesn’t know how to endure long distances riding and persevere in the woods?”

You didn’t respond.

The first to arrive was a seasoned soldier. He had been part of the Royal Guard for more than a decade, and was known for his hunting skills. The second person caught your mother’s attention. One tall and broad-shouldered man rushed through the Palace gates with 4 rabbits hanging from his horse with a robe. He dismounted, grabbing the robe, throwing it on the ground and bowing before the Queen.

“Seowol from the Southern coast, your Royal Highness.”

“Seowol?” Your mother questioned, “It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance. I do believe you were only supposed to take one rabbit.”

“I wanted to secure a strong position, your Highness.” He remained in a bowed position, looking down, his arms stiff along his body.

“Certainly! Please follow eunuch Jinho to the bathroom and a change of clothes. You’ll be called when everyone has arrived.” He looked up and nodded, and quickly did as instructed.

The court ladies swooned over the man once he’d walked away, but you hardly moved.

“Did you see the way he looked at you? Oh!” the young lady fanned her hand. You chuckled, amused by the younger girl’s reaction.

“The way he got off his horse and showed the rabbits, he was so cool!”

“And handsome! Don’t forget handsome!”

You rolled your eyes at that one, “He wasn’t even that handsome.”

“So you do think he was handsome!” They all laughed, having caught something in your words.

“Listen to me, I said he was not all that handsome.” You repeated, “I’ve seen better.”

They gushed, trying to get you to elaborate, but your mother was beginning to look at you sideways. You thought it was better to stop then. With the light hearted fun you were having with your ladies, you forgot all about the dull ache of your throat. The reason you were having this ridiculous competition in the first place. The truth was there was something about Seowol that disgusted you. You couldn’t quite place it, it could be the abruptness in his movements and the way he threw the rabbits on the ground, or perhaps the coldness behind his eyes. A mindless cruelty to innocent beings.

Returner after returner, it was the same and they started blending into each other. They’d rush through the gates, and present the robed rabbit in front of the Queen before they bowed. They announced their name loudly, as if shouting would make the Queen remember them better. The cook would take the rabbit and disappear to the kitchens.

That was, until number 73th entered the yard. The sun was beginning to set, leaving the sky in a canvas of lovely purples and pinks. You didn’t notice him at first, but soon your ladies began to whisper. This particular soldier entered calmly, and only one hand on the horse’s bridle. A small ball of white highlighted by the black of his uniform. As he got closer, you saw that the white speck of fluff was the rabbit. He cradled it on his left arm, making sure it didn’t jump or fall. Once he’d reach the stage, he dismounted carefully. You noticed his height, and for the life of you, you couldn’t figure out how his shoulders managed to look both broad and slender at the same time. He came closer, bowing deeply before your mother and to your surprise, he began to approach you.

He was quickly stopped by your mother’s guards blocking his path.

“Please, your Royal Highness, let him approach,” You surprised yourself. For the past two weeks, you were scared you were growing paranoid of strangers and people in general. The fear was earned to some extent, you had just been attacked, but you were even more afraid that you’d grow to be scared of everyone, everything, and never come out of your bedroom ever again. Though, now, as you look over at your mother to let the stranger approach you, it seemed this fear wasn’t going to be an issue after all. You were going to be okay. In a lower voice this time, “Please, Mother.”

She rolled her eyes discreetly, waving her hand. “Let him through.”

The guards retracted. The man moved closer to you, and he bowed. You noticed the smoothness of his jaw, the curve of his lips and the pretty way his lashes decorated his pretty brown eyes. He was pretty. So much so you held your breath when his eyes finally met yours.

“My Princess.” He smiled, “For you.”

Oh.

Someone behind you gasped, and you were glad for the noise because that way he might not be able to hear the beating of your heart.

“May I?”

You nodded, despite not knowing what you had agreed to. The man walked even closer to you, and you unconsciously leaned forward. He placed the bunny in your hands, and you searched for his lingering fingers through the white fluff. He retrieved far too soon. You wanted to touch him for some reason. You wanted him to get close again and you wanted him to call you, once again, his prin—

“And what might your name be?” Your mother was not amused.

“Soldier Lee Hae, your Royal Highness.” He addressed his queen but his eyes never left yours.

“Lee, huh? You do know that was your dinner, correct? You won’t have dinner?” Your head snapped to your mother. She could not possibly!

“As long as my Princess is content, my stomach shall never be empty.”

Your head snapped back at him, a slightly ajar mouth. The corners of your mouth lifted slightly, but a sharp pain in your neck scared any adoring feelings away. The stitches tugged on your skin, and you brought your hand to your neck.

“Very well, no dinner. You may sit down, Soldier Lee Hae.”

───

Well, that was fucking stupid. Bada groaned, grabbing her stomach. She just had to give that damned rabbit to the Crown Princess, didn’t she? Even now, hours after dinner and well into their resting time, Bada could not decipher why she chose to spare the rabbit.

You had just looked so beautiful, and before she knew it, she was right in front of you. And as she remembers the look on your face when she gave you the bunny, your parted lips and your widening eyes as you looked up at her, Bada realized she only regretted her choice slightly.

There was no denying your beauty. Everyone knew that while you might be the Crown, you were also the prettiest bird in the eyes of the people.

But Bada couldn’t get distracted. She came here with a purpose. She was going to join the Royal Guard and bring back honor to her family. You might have been eye candy, but it didn’t change the fact that you represented what Bada lost, what she never realistically had a chance at.

It killed her. It killed her that they had a woman King and yet every other woman was still viewed as inferior. Did the only women that mattered lived in the palace? You got to be trained, you got to study the books—why couldn’t they? Why was it that she will need to pretend to be a boy for the rest of her life to feel free?

Could it be helped? Would you be different from your mother?

Her mind turned to her selfish thoughts. Perhaps she could use today’s events to her advantage. She could grow closer to you, on purpose this time, and perhaps that’d help her on the long run. She’d earn her position, of course; that was nonnegotiable.

The hunger grew furiously as she got lost in her thoughts. She couldn’t take it any longer. She got up, quickly wrapping the tight cloth over her chest. She hid a small knife on the inside of her left wrist, a security measure, though she was unlikely to need it. She grabbed something to cover herself with and left the small room she’d been provided with.

She was lucky to finish stage 1 where she did. When the last of the 197 soldiers that would pass on to the next stage arrived, they were well into dinner. The Queen had stated that for the remaining stages of the competition, only the top half scorers would receive a sole bedroom. Everyone else will sleep in the Great Hall. She reasoned it was to keep up the morale and ramp up ambition. It certainly did motivate Bada though. She did not wish to sleep uncomfortably among the stinky men. It was so weird, Bada knew they showered and mere hours later, a musk would develop around them.

She walked towards the kitchens as quietly as she could. Once there, she rummaged through the shelves, searching for something that was not a raw vegetable.

“Please, please, please…” She murmured to herself, and in her desperation, she did not hear the footsteps coming from the side entrance.

“Who is there?” A voice resounded. Bada froze, quickly kneeling down and hidden under the shelf. Fuck! “As Crown Princess, I command you to reveal yourself!”

The Princess? What was she doing up this late?

Bada had hoped that it was a younger staff member also searching for food (someone she could try her charm on), a simple guard (someone she could try to relate to and proclaim guard-to-guard solidarity), hell, she’d even hoped for a thief (someone who was even guiltier than she was). But the Princess? The Princess was someone she could not face. Perhaps for more than one reason.

As discreetly as she could, she crawled towards the end of the shelf. Across from here, there was a long table she could hide under and right across the table was the entrance.

She could make it.

If only she hadn’t run directly into the Princess’ feet.

She landed on her knees, and dread filled her head. She hung it in shame, some hair coming loose and framing her face. So this is how she would die, huh? With nothing to her name, a mere soldier title that she didn’t even earn herself. She would die without a legacy, without—

“Is that you, Lee Hae?” Your voice sounded extra sweet under the moonlight. “How come you’re out here at this time?”

She wanted the earth to open and swallow her whole. But there was no getting out of this.

“Princess Royal, please forgive my shamelessness.” She did not look up, still on her knees. “In my hunger, I forgot my place. I beg for your forgiveness.”

There was a long silence after Bada finished talking. Should she have said more? She was already on her knees, what else could she do to humiliate herself in front of the Princess?

“You’re telling me my contentment was not enough for you?”

Bada lifted her head quickly, only to realize too late you were mere inches away. You were so close she could count each beauty mark, each freckle on your face. She’d kiss them if you’d let her. She shook her head. Stupid Bada, concentrate on not dying!

“That isn’t it at all, my Princess.” She shook her head violently, to which you chuckled in response, lifting your hand to cover your mouth.

“So you’re a liar, then.”

“No, no! I am not, my Princess,” Bada opened her palms, “I will admit that as earnestly as my heart believes a smile from you is all I ever need to survive in this world, my earthly body persists in imprisoning me with cravings. I sincerely did not mean to succumb to my hunger.”

You watched the young soldier as they hung their head once more. You thought Lee was…funny. Funny in a very lovely and forward way that you couldn’t help but want more of. You brought a hand closer to her face, fingers lifting her chin.

Bada allowed the princess to lift her face, flushing at the contact. She could feel the heat rushing to her face, and it embarrassed her that you could have this effect on her. How you made her lose composure.

“Look at me,” you stated. Your head followed the brown eyes as they moved, trying to get them to look at you. “Soldier Lee, look at me.” You said it firmly this time around. Finally, the person in question did as asked. Big eyes looked up at you, begging for something you weren’t sure you could give.

“You know, Soldier Lee, you are the prettiest man I’ve ever met.”

Oh.

Widened eyes and dropped jaw, “I—”

‘I am not a man,’ she wanted to say. She almost did, and the fact that she nearly gave herself away scared her. She had never come this close to telling someone the truth. Not on impulse nor consciously. To the Princess no less! She was a mess. She’d better get a hold of herself if she intends on making it through.

Bada had proven that she was good with words, and here you were, leaving her stunned. You enjoyed it, maybe a bit too much. Abruptly, you stood up, leaving the soldier down on her knees. You offered a hand, and it was like a spell being broken. She took it. She gathered herself and she was back into the charming and highly trained voice. Your curiosity for the soldier grew as you watched; there was just something that screamed constraint in the way Lee spoke, but for now, you chucked it up to the respectability rules of the Queendom.

“I am sorry for interrupting your night, your Highness. I will take my leave.” Bada turned, but was quickly stopped when you grabbed her wrist.

It surprised both of you. As a noble princess, you had been taught from a young age that nobody but appointed servants get to come in contact with your skin. Yet here you were—two for two.

“Well, actually,” you began, “I’m here because I did not want you to go to sleep hungry.” You let go of Bada’s wrist, and she already missed the warmth of your skin on hers. It had been such a long time since anyone had touched her outside of training.

You signaled for her to follow you. She did, and you guided her to a small table on a corner. A small, white towel covered something and when you lifted it, Bada’s eyes widened. A golden serving tray filled with dishes.

“I ordered something be cooked for you,” you said, hands fidgeting, “I’m afraid it’s probably cold by now. I would’ve tried to get you sooner but my Mother kept me by her side much longer than I expected.”

“I—Thank you, your Royal Highness.” Bada bowed, stomach rumbling and mouth watering. “Thank you.”

“Please, you don’t have to do that.” You said quickly, “You were kind to me, and I couldn’t let my mother punish you for it.” You moved to pick up the tray, glaring at Bada when she tried to hold it for you instead. “I can do it! Plus, I know a spot.”

You walked gracefully, quickly, without spilling a single thing on the tray. Bada was amazed. The both of you stuck to the sides of buildings, remaining in the shadows. Bada anxiously looked around; what would people think if they saw her with the Princess? What rumors will they spread, and how much will they cost her? Her life?

“Through there.” The door was covered with greenery, and Bada could not see the door.

She moved closer to you, whispering into your ear, “where?”

She genuinely couldn’t see it.

You shivered. You could faintly feel her chest against your back, and the warmth it radiated.

You shook your head.

“Here, hold this.” You passed the tray to Bada, making quick work of the hidden door. You opened it and walked through. You moved the vines for Bada, she bent down and met you on the other side.

“Wow…” She gasped. It was a beautiful space, filled with colorful flowers and a pond, four trees on each corner. There was a small house, and Bada doubted it was more than just a bedroom and a bathroom.

“It is the old gardener’s place, but he died and it became abandoned.” You said, placing the tray on the wooden ledge in front of the small house. “The new gardener had a family, so he understandably needed a bigger space.”

You giggled nervously, and Bada found herself loving the sound. She got so lost in your voice and the pretty flowers that she nearly forgot how hungry she was. Nearly.

Bada sat down next to you.

“It’s beautiful.”

“I know!” She said excitedly, your eyes sparkling with joy, “Mother thought of destroying it and building something else but I just loved it so much, I wouldn’t let her. I begged her to let me have it for days, she agreed eventually and now it’s my little place! Very few people know about it; my Mother, the new gardener, my lady-in-waiting, you…”

You finished shyly, smiling at Bada before quickly looking away. Would it be too forward of her to grab your face and make you look at her?

Yes, she decided, yes, it would be.

Her stomach growled.

“Oh,” You gasped, “Please eat! I didn’t mean to make you wait.”

“Please, eat with me.”

“No, no, I ate quite well earlier,” you said, “and you didn’t!”

“I don’t want to eat by myself,” Bada said, “Princess, eat with me, please.”

“I’m telling you I won’t,” refusing her once more, “I'll force feed you this meal myself if you don’t start eating soon.”

“Is that a proposition?” Bada smirked. Your cheeks grew warm against your will.

“I only mean… I want you to eat, you have gone hungry because of me. I don’t want you to be hungry any longer.”

“Would you feed me then?” Bada’s eyes looked down at yours, “If I asked you to?”

You cleared your throat, eyes meeting. “Forgive me, soldier, if I’ve come across in a certain light. But I will never feed a man with two capable hands of his own.”

Bada saw the intensity in your eyes, and how they refused to look away from her hers. She leaned closed, eyes growing dangerous the longer she stayed fixated on you.

“You say ‘a man with two capable hands’ but what if I wasn’t a man? How can you be sure that I am?” Bada brought a hand closer to you, “How do you know these work?” She had gone crazy. In your gaze, she had forgotten herself.

Still, in the back of her mind: if she wasn’t in disguise now, would you feed her then?

You finally broke eye contact, looking down at Bada’s hand. It surprised you how much you wanted to hold it, it surprised you even more when your body started reacting to it. A simple hand with long fingers. A calloused hand from days spent training, yet unlike the hands of the men you’ve encountered. Their hands didn’t bring this strange feeling to your stomach. You mind showed you images of these very hands moving along your body; from the nape of your neck, down your side and in between your—

You scoffed, and then chuckled, “Please don’t be ridiculous, soldier Lee. Now, eat, the food is getting colder by the second.”

Bada covered her feelings with a laugh. She was relieved you ignored her impulsive questions, and at the same time, your response left a bitter taste in her mouth. You were just being nice this entire time? Was there really nothing else in your lingering touches and loving eyes? They were childish questions, but it stung nonetheless. She sighed internally; she couldn’t possibly be getting this close now. It was normal to a certain extent, she had the tendency to develop crushes all the time. Sure, developing one in the Princess would complicate the 'get close to you and advance her career' plot, but she was already here.

All her crushes have faded with time, and this one will too.

Bada finally began eating and she was grateful to you once again. She said so, with cheeks full of food and complete disregard for rules. Rules, you had both broken some many of them already, why start caring about them now?

[mokkkki]

the way you write is so beautiful... tips for somebody new to writing who wants to write like you?

YOU are so beautiful, thank you so much! im not sure about any tips i have, but ill give it a shot. these are what i personally believe to have been the most important things:

find your wavelength my writing became a lot more stylized and personalized after i found an author that i resonated with, as well as a couple of themes. it just helps to know what you are actually interested in writing in, versus what you think other people would like to read. im personally interested in writing about relationships and dynamics, so my writing will always be more character than action driven. also, it helps, because youre always going to end up writing what you want to write, even in the smallest of ways, so why not embrace it fully? write what you want to read. otherwise, you wont have fun. and writing is SO MUCH FUN. knowing what youre into and what youre trying to channel gives you a really strong basis for all of your writing - not only will it take time for you to find your wavelength, meaning that youll have to expose yourself to many different genres and authors, which is a must, youll always be able to look back at that ONE creative piece and grab some motivation from it.

expose and explore creativity is everywhere - tv shows, movies, books, fanfics, comics, art, architecture, history (!!!), mythology, sports, reality - literally everywhere you can think of. dont wait for inspiration because its everywhere if you look hard enough. familiarize yourself with the seven basic plots, the thirty-six dramatic situations, basic foreshadowing elements, and other essentials. this isnt something to study or memorize, just to KNOW - its good to be aware of the foundations of literature.

embrace the brainrot and maintain a balance become obsessed w your own ocs, your own plots, your own everything. be your own biggest fan. to enter an abusive relationship with your own work is extremely upsetting, because youre doing wrong by the wonderful world youve made, and doing wrong by that part of you that just wants to be creative, too - and if that happens, its probably because you arent writing what you want to write, or controlling what doesnt want to be controlled. let your characters be individuals, let them go where they want to go, just follow and note what theyre doing. sometimes writing is a passive activity rather than active creation, and thats okay! thats when you know youve built a solid world that can run by itself and you just contribute to. that being said, while theres nothing quite like the hours spent ravenously typing, you need to find a balance. you are as important as your work, because without you, the work wouldnt exist. i also reccomend forcing yourself NOT to write on specific days. some ideas need to marinate, and some people need to rest.

i hope this was helpful <;3 if you ever need more help (and this also applies to those reading), feel free to reach out! im open to being a beta reader or just a brainstorming partner. lots of love!

[vampyrixdarling]

I LOVED YOUR ZOMBIE SONIC WRITING HSHDJF

Okay so Sonic with a reader that he caught feelings for, right ? But the thing was, they were a big bad meanie guy out for BLOOD. They liked Sonic too, but refused to change their villainous ways tehe

IM IN LOVE Q THIS IDEA

HCs or a one shot is fine >:)))

— 「𝐒𝐨𝐧𝐢𝐜 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐚 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫 𝐰𝐡𝐨’𝐬 𝐚 𝐯𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐚𝐢𝐧」

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ MASTERLIST

╰┈➤ Sonic the Hedgehog x villain!reader

: ̗̀➛ synopsis; Sonic never could’ve predicted that he’d be falling for the same person who would actively endanger his home and his friends. But it happened. Mutual pining with slight rivalry mixed in with playful fighting, who’s to complain?

: ̗̀➛ Type; romantic headcanons

: ̗̀➛ warning(s); brief mentions of fighting (not detailed), swearing.

Likes/Reblogs are always appreciated!! <3

I’m like honestly SO embarrassed of the quality of this😭 please let this slide Orion I am BEGGING🙏🙏 my writing is normally SO MUCH BETTER I SWEAR

→ Sonic is someone who prides himself on being able to save his world from any threat that dares try to destroy it or hurt his friends or innocent people. He’s a hero, and he’s proud to call himself one. Sure, the praise and the fame that comes with it is cool and all, but all Sonic really cares about is saving all that he can, and taking down evil. He doesn’t need a reward for just doing what he loves. Hell, he’d even get to hangout with his friends just talking about the fight he had, and try some of Amy’s delicious deserts of course. Except if it was strawberry shortcake. He’d stay far away from that if he could.

→ You, on the other hand, were just another villain. You found a kind of sadistic joy in the misery of other people— a sick satisfaction from watching all those below you suffer a terrible fate at your hands. It’s always been this way for as long as you could remember, really. There wasn’t a moment you truly felt happy. No moment where you truly felt complete. And maybe, just maybe, causing pain and suffering to those undeserving made you feel just a little better about the dull, boring life you had. Something like the phrase, “if I can’t be happy, nobody can”, as much as you hated it.

→ But, nobody could deny the slight excitement you felt when the blue blur himself stood in your path, eyes locked on yours as he got ready to attack. A fight with him was never boring, that much was guaranteed. and perhaps you felt the same way, unfortunately you’d never get to finish your thought before he spin-dashed into you, sending you flying into the nearest wall.

“Ugh, come on, [Name]… haven’t we been over this once before?”

“Three times, actually. Learn to keep track.”

The hedgehog rolled his eyes as he sped towards you again. Meanwhile, with a cocky grin on your face, you shakily got up.

→ Sonic would feel extremely conflicted and confused. On one hand, you were everything he hated. Someone who felt joy in causing terror and harm upon those he cared for. But, on another hand, there was an undeniable chemistry between you guys. None of you would ever admit that, though.

→ He hated how felt this way about you. He shouldn’t feel anything like this for any of his enemies. But, there was also this one flaw about him. The fact that he’s willing to give second chances and hope for the best. He does see the good in you, no doubt about it. It’s just that you’re being so damn difficult, he wish you’d just give up.

→ But you weren’t oblivious to this. You saw how the hedgehog briefly hesitated before landing a punch to you. You saw how his eyes lit up once he realized you weren’t dead from that landing. And, a part of you felt pity for him. You realized how hard this was for him, to hurt someone he’s grown to love, and you really wished you wouldn’t care. But you did.

Because you loved him too.

→ None of you took the realization well. You both hated each other for feeling this way, and while you both tried to separate from each other, you just kept coming back. You both would swear it’s because you’re causing trouble and Sonic’s just trying to save everyone, but you both knew it was different. But one day, during a pretty heated fight..

“Why can’t you just let me do what’s best for you, [Name]?!”

“This isn’t what’s best! You don’t know anything about me!”

“I know that I love you!”

…

Oh.

Oh..

→ Once the awkwardness was out of the way, and you two were finally able to confront each other… you got it all out. You both had a talk about how you really felt. He expressed his concerns, and you voiced your clear distain towards leaving your villainous ways. Which, he understood. He hated how you refused to stop, but you just wouldn’t listen to him. So after negotiating, you agreed to slightly tone down your attacks. Which wasn’t much, but at least you weren’t killing anybody.

Bonus: He’d LOVE chasing after you and getting into so many playful fights with you while you’re attacking the town. It would be so fun and exciting for the both of you.

[chrisevansonly]

𝐋𝐮𝐥𝐥𝐚𝐛𝐲 𝐁𝐚𝐛𝐲 | 𝐇𝐚𝐫𝐫𝐲 𝐒𝐭𝐲𝐥𝐞𝐬

ღ harry styles x female reader

ღ if there is one thing your baby boy loves in all of this world, and it’s when his daddy sings him to sleep…

ღ very fluffy and soft dad! harry styles

ღ just another little dad!harry piece, im slowly getting motivation back to write, so i hope to be more productive and active now <3

It was no secret to anyone in your lives at just how much of a daddy’s boy your 2 month old son Ollie was, the newborn knew instantly when he was in his fathers arm, and most days if it was anyone else’s we wouldn’t have it. Harry loved Ollie with his entire being, there was no greater joy in life than being a father and being married to you: his two greatest loves.

For a two month old he was fairly quiet, bedtime was usually easy enough for both you and Harry but the odd time it proved to be rather difficult, especially when there were no lullabies as part of Ollie’s night routine. Let’s get one thing straight, you could sing him lullabies, but nothing, and I mean nothing would ever beat Harry’s, you knew that, and little Ollie knew that too.

“My little Ollie bear, shhh daddy will be home soon, mummy promises….shhhh”

You were bouncing gently around the room, little sobs escaping your baby boys mouth, he knew his daddy wasn’t there, and you could only frown and rock the little one hoping Harry would be back from the store soon.

“My little love, it’s okay….”

When Ollie cried, he could cry, his lungs were in perfect shape there was no doubt about it. It also helped because as soon as Harry got home he was quick to leave the bags on the kitchen counter, taking two steps at a time up to your shared bedroom, a bit of a frantic look on his face

“M’sorry traffic was bad, what happened, s’he alright?”

Smiling tiredly you shook your head

“He’s alright, just fussy because his daddy isn’t singing to him”

You watched his shoulders relax slightly as he smile apologetically to you, leaning down to kiss you softly before taking Ollie from you

“Poor mummy huh? Giving her a hard time…? S’cause daddy’s a better singer huh?”

Ollie had begun to quiet down instantly, earning a light smack to Harry’s bicep from you as you rolled your eyes playfully

“I’ll go put the food away, thank you baby”

Smiling Harry kissed you once more before going to sit in the rocking chair that rested beside the french doors in the far end of your room, the sunsetting over the English countryside

“There we go, time for bed now my love”

Harry was quick to pull out the soft grey blanket you kept in a basket beside the rocking chair, covering Ollie with it before he began to sing softly

“Baby mine, don’t you cry, baby mine, dry your eyes, rest your head close to my heart, never to part, baby of mine”

Harry watched as Ollie’s eyes began to flutter closed, his tiny hand holding onto the string of his pleasing hoodie in a grip to ensure his father wouldn’t move.

“Little one when you play, don’t you mind what you say, let those eyes sparkle and shine, never a tear, baby of mine..”

Humming softly to finish off the lullaby, he waited until he could hear the little baby snores Ollie made, letting him know he was finally asleep. Pressing a few soft kisses to his cheeks, Harry lay him down in his bassinet, placed on your side of the bed for night feedings. Silently hoping he’d stay asleep as he put him down, waiting a few moments before turning the monitor on and making his way to find you.

“Did he go down okay?”

“Like a charm”

You smiled wrapping your arms around his torso

“What would we do if we both sucked at singing?”

Harry laughed

“You don’t suck, he just prefers me that’s all”

“You’ve heard me in the shower….”

“Okay so your tune could use a little work….”

It was your turn to laugh as you shook your head, kissing his stubble covered chin

“I love you H, thank you for always coming to the rescue”

“For you and Ollie, i’ll always come to rescue.”

[orkbutch]

Okay! time to add my accompanying essays with each image from this set of work about why I assigned which types of play to each set of characters, and how Baldur's Gate III supports these in the text of the game. Because I thought about all of this way too much im not joking

First, Context: All of these are drawings of consentual play happening between these characters after they have put aside any active conflicts between each other. Nontheless, they utilise the dynamics and emotional conflicts of these characters. Each of these characters are in some way violent people, deeply stressed out by their circumstances, and craving pleasure and connection. Sometimes you need a little pinch and squeal before the end of the world just to get through the night, you know?

Rough D/s sex/Breath play, Karlach (D) / Shadowheart (S)

A little clarification of what exactly is happening in this image: Karlach is strapping SH roughly, whispering very dirty things in hear ear, and using her hand and the weight of her body to gently restrict SH's breathing. Now you know. :) If you want to know what Karlach is whispering, I will be taking questions thank you.

The first thing Shadowheart says upon seeing Karlach is that she likes that Karlach looks strong and reliable enough to protect her in a pinch. This is because Shadowheart is horny and gay but ALSO. I wanted to explore this little glimpse of something unexpected about SH, especially that early in the game, but really revealing and true about her personality: Shadowheart understands and appreciates that relying on others is very important and shouldn't be avoided.

I think this part of SH is almost her saving grace from otherwise being totally absorbed by her Sharran faith; knowing she wants and needs other people. Because community has always been comforting to her, and because other people help you cope with life. It makes her loneliness far more profoud as well. She has not buried a need for other people (like Astarion for example), but lost people she knows she needs. She lost her Sharran peers on their mission, lost her memories, lost her family, lost the experience of being cared for in childhood. What does that have to do with SH getting pounded into the ground by a big hot woman, I hear you asking. Well, it's related to how I see Shadowheart's possible relationship to submission. I instinctively see SH as a dom because she just... Absolutely gives dominatrix energy. She basically got trained to be a particularly mean dominatrix, and I think she'd enjoy doing it a whole lot. But being a dom is a role of responsibility, reliability and authority; it requires you to plan and think and make decisions not just for yourself but for a whole additional person. Shadowheart clearly enjoys not having to do that sometimes. She knows the reliability, guidance and support of another person/people being there for her, and she craves it.

I think she'd like being taken away from the responsibility of their situation; to not have to think about the artifact, the tadpole, the fate of the world, what Shar wants, who she is, what her memories are, will she die tomorrow - a terribly stressful existence for someone as prone to anxiety as SH seems to be. What a luxury, to let someone force all the worries out of your head. To leave no space for those anxieties to find purchase through the weight and force of their presence. A big, hot, reliable warrior, squeezing you close, filling your head with what to think about, flooding you with pleasure and a little pain, enough to ground you to the moment. It's a rare treat. SH would love it.

On the other hand, I think Karlach would absolutely love this kind of role. Not because Karlach likes pure power - she seems kinda repelled by it actually - but because Karlach loves being capable, needed, and providing for people. To sweep SH off her feet and give her a moment of hot, rough, rejuvinating bliss through her strength and sexual prowess would be extremely up Karlach's ally.

Karlach is also just... such a rough houser. She's an excited dog at the park that plays too rough and feels bad until she finds a friend who actually loves it, and she's thrilled with the chance to use all that energy to its full potential. She likes a little grit and texture. Anything too slow or methodical and I think she'd get bored. To get to use her boundless energy and have that be deeply appreciated would be so fun for her.

For her to get to use her body and the traits that ended up landing her in slavery - her toughness, strength, skill at violence and knack for intimidation - to indulge, to provide pleasure, to make something good and deeply desired... I think that'd be very touching for Karlach. Intimacy is something she hasn't gotten to explore for a long time. She wants as much contact as possible, to feel others viscerally, to feel that she can be something that other people can not just handle/accept but enthusiastically want. Even after whats been done to her and what she was for ten years, she is the right thing for people, because of and not despite who she is after Avernus.

In conclusion: I think Shadowheart would love to be no thoughts head empty fucked brainless now and then, and I think Karlach would be thrilled to provide. And oh man, Karlach would be SO good at aftercare. So sweet, so warm to cuddle up against, super attentive. She'd ask for reassurance that she wasn't too rough or didn't say anything weird, and Shadowheart would reassure her that they could get far more depraved than that; it was exactly what she needed, and she wanted to go deeper next time. A little challenge to let Karlach embrace her role more completely. Oof. I am so excited to write this shit into the fic im working on LMAO

[myfandomrealitea]

Your post regarding specifc places for things and some places dont need a vent channel it helped me realise that the people i follow online were damaging to my health. They were constantly sharing real people who died horrifically and saying things like "if you dont share you're supporting violence " while i only joined social media to view art.

I actively speak about real life events offline with my family, we always talk about whats happening in the world once a week and mention anything new within the local and worldwide news. I didn't understand why social media was worsening my mental health around these topics since i could speak about it in real life with my family. i assumed i was horrible for simply not wanting to see it online, When your post about a safe space came up i realised why it made me feel so bad, the artists i followed no longer were posting art and were just constantly sharing news daily about horrific events. It became inescapable and i was unknownly doomscrolling for hours on social media while hoping to see art (that just made me feel bad viewing after seeing so much death) , my only escape was going offline. I already made new accounts just for art and Im so thankful for your post since i did avoid everything that was about real world events since the account is only for art and i feel so much more.. i guess happier.. but definitely more mentally healthy if that makes sense? It felt like my mind was drained or foggy when scrolling through social media, and i wasnt actually paying attention before but now its a lot more, clear, healthy and positive. Im able to think properly and actually pay attention and appreciate the good things online

I'm so glad I was able to help you on your journey to bettering your wellbeing. Its an aspect of why I run this blog and talk about the things that I do.

So very often people don't actually register or realize what parts of their lives are causing stress. They attribute it to 'working too much' or 'not sleeping enough' without realizing that there are direct causes for things like not sleeping enough. And I'm not saying every single part of life comes back to activism, but very often we don't even realize how much negativity and forced awareness we're exposing ourselves to.

I used to religiously follow accounts on Instagram which posted about animal abuse. Other than a handful of celebrities my Instagram feed would be the most graphic videos you could imagine of people hacking into live dogs with axes, boiling cats alive in huge vats of water, jockeys tearing at horse's mouths until their teeth were loose and they were leaving a trail of blood as they walked the winner's circle.

I used to think if I wasn't constantly forcing myself to acknowledge that these things were happening, if I wasn't constantly reminding myself the extent at which these things happen, I was a bad person. I wasn't a real animal lover. If I truly loved animals why wasn't I sharing these videos? Why wasn't I sitting there with thousands of other people acknowledging what animals go through while I sit comfy at home doing nothing?

It got the point where I'd be throwing up constantly, I refused to sleep because I was terrified of the nightmares and my hands would shake as I opened up the Instagram app because I dreaded what I'd see today.

It wasn't helping me. It wasn't helping the animals. I'm just as aware now of what animals go through without having to see any of it.

But now, I have the wellbeing to actually devote myself to meaningful activism. Not just tormenting myself to no outcome. Now, I have the willpower and the energy to sign petitions and do research and take steps in my own life to better the welfare of the animals in my care.

Now I can sleep at night and wake up well-rested with the energy and the motivation to do things both for myself and for other people. Now, I can scroll Instagram and leave polite, correctional comments on misguided videos about animals. Now I have the knowledge to devote my attention and my efforts to where it actually makes a difference and changes animal's lives.

It is such, such a hard thing to drag yourself out of. We're so conditioned into thinking suffering shared is suffering lessened. We're so conditioned into believing that by spamming words anywhere we can we are the direct cause of change.

Its a hell of a learning climb. A steep one. But I genuinely believe the world would be better off for learning and changing as we both had the courage to.

[vesora]

dealing with fear of abandonment through LOA + general tips

personal backstory / long post ahead

“Change your conception of yourself and you will automatically change the world in which you live. Do not try to change people; they are only messengers telling you who you are. Revalue yourself and they will confirm the change.” ― Neville Goddard, Your Faith is Your Fortune

as a child, my needs were not met and therefore, i developed a schema that people were meant to disappoint me and leave me and my relationships, both platonic and romantic reflected EXACTLY that.

countless times, i was ‘left’ without any reason, always strengthening the notion i had always felt that people were meant to abandon me. even if i was close to someone, i would still engage in self-sabotaging behaviours when i felt disappointed by the expectations i had set for them. feeling this lack of control when it came to relationships because i was so deathly afraid of being left alone; of disappointing the other. not putting myself first because i felt the only sense of worth i had was through whether another found me worthy. this is all very hard for me to say of course, im a private person but i felt maybe someone at least needed to hear this. my parent would be nice at one point and disinterested in the other, i felt i had to work to gain their approval and for them to be nice to me all the time. i needed them to view me as perfect, so they wouldn’t leave me. but guess what guys? thats stupid, bcos fuck perfection.

in my abandonment activation strategies/self-sabotaging behaviours, my body would go into a state of desperation, in dire need of any sort of relief and safety, crying my heart out because i was so scared, leaving people because i was scared of being left first. being scared i was being clingy by asking for reassurance which in turn sends me into another frenzy, isolating myself from people so i have no chances to be hurt, feeling resentment when someone doesnt meet my expectations/needs through no fault of their own. my inner child would just take over my body, repeating the same distress i experienced as a kid. 

but i am not a kid anymore. i am a well-functioning adult and i cannot continue this abandonment schema. so what do i do?

i use loa. 

how to use loa + general tips for this:

recognise that everything and everyone is you pushed out. your relationships play out the way you assume they will. this is not to say at all what happened when you were a child was your fault. we are not to blame. our needs were simply not met.

change the way you view relationships, no matter how hard it may be. if everyone is just us, how can anyone else abandon us? not even that, why would anyone leave us? we are amazing and fun and good people

be someone YOU are proud of, irrespective of what other people think. all is mind, so why do you think you need to impress someone who’s just another part of you? a part that can easily be molded

you are not clingy. you are not desperate. you are not unworthy. you are not unlovable. repeat affirmations that you are lovable. that you deserve to have your needs met. that everyone meets your needs. that you never feel abandoned. that you love yourself unconditionally. YOU are on the pedestal, NOT anyone else.

if someone is emotionally unavailable, this DOES NOT mean they do not love or care about you! they might be busy, not be well-versed with showing emotions in a healthy way, express their love in a different way than yours or they may simply be going through something in their lives right now. 

when this happens, you can talk to the person about it and usually in my experience, the person understands and reassures me that they still love me and that we are okay. if a person is not willing to make sure you are okay, maybe rethink their position in your lives. you are the pedestal, not them. now just because someone reassures you doesn’t mean you don’t work on yourself. you do work on yourself through LOA and useful strategies.

take deep belly breaths when you feel yourself get triggered. it is okay. you are going to be okay, i promise. the next day im sure you will feel fine. it is not the end of the world, i promise you. the world IS you. just change it.

reassure your inner child and your adult self that you are okay now. you are the best version of yourself right now. you are safe. you are secure. you are not in danger. your life is in YOUR hands. YOU are in control. YOU created this life. the only way to change it is within.

if you feel impatient and you want things to change IMMEDIATELY, i.e. when youre having a panic attack, take deep breaths and remember this is temporary. remember you are in control of what happens but also do not be attached to any outcome, just have faith that everything works out in your favour.

if you feel resentment when someone doesn’t meet your expectations, do NOT use strategies to hurt them or leave them. just calm down and view them with a gaze of love. transmute this feeling of resentment and abandonment to love and understanding, you can even visualise it. they still love you, you can manifest them to love you the way you want to idk but still they love you! don’t try to make them jealous, don’t distance yourself, don’t do whatever you do to get ‘revenge’ idk, it is NOT healthy. it only hurts YOU in the end. plus, LOA dictates the way people act with you is a reflection of yourself, so all you need to do is change self.

no matter what, KNOW you are loved. even if your body is freaking out and wants to flee, tell yourself in the moment it will pass. it has to. your trauma trigger reactions are NOT you. 

it may be hard to believe that someone loves you. for me, i felt like i was delusional. that i was kidding myself, because how dare i assume someone loves me? that’s why i kept seeking external reassurance for any semblance of love because i was not giving that reassurance to myself internally. and when someone didn’t give me that reassurance in the 3d, i’d freak out, even though i had manifested it unknowingly. how can i go to the 3d and ask for love when everything, good and bad, is within me? as the creator, how can i not tell myself i am worthy of love and that people close to me love me? how can i not believe that when all is me? it is a bit stupid to think like that, no? well i did, and to an extent i still do. but i’m recovering. i deserve to live a life where i am not constantly afraid. i deserve to live a life where i can speak with confidence that someone loves me. it is hard for me, even now, but i know i will get through it, as will you. 

let’s be brazenly impudent together, shall we?

“Dare to believe in the reality of your assumption and watch the world play its part relative to to its fulfillment.” ― Neville Goddard

[st4rgzer]

MATT BUT ITS THE AUDIO I SENT U

UNREQUITED PT. 2 matt sturniolo

summary: pt 2 of unrequited love, you make some plans that take a turn for the worse

genre: PURE angst

cw: mentions of self deprecation, flirty jokes

a/n: for my lobe, @iha8you , hope you enjoy it, sorry for what happened again, fuck him!

Its been 2 months since i started distancing myself from the triplets and anything involving them, more precisely, matt.

Of course they noticed, i have more than 11 missed called from nick, not trusting my messages saying “im fine, just busy, ttyl” Im never like that, not with them at least. Today I’ve made up my mind, im going to put my silly feelings aside and hang out with my friends, its was i need, it’ll do me good, i know it will. They pick me up from my house, the drive to theirs being the most awkward thing in the world, worse than telling a server at a restaurant “you too!” In response to “enjoy your food”, yeah. No one said a word, that was the worst, its everyone expected someone to say something but no one dared to break the silence. I think I could see matt smirk in the rear view mirror, I scrunched my eyebrows in confusion, did he find this amusing? We arrived home a few minutes after, which felt like an eternity. I undid my seatbelt and we all went to the front door, waiting for nick to get the keys, he fiddled with them, trying to open the door

“Whenever you want nick” Chris said sarcastically, annoyance visible in his voice, as he always did when he bickered with his brother. Eventually, he got the door open and we all got set up inside, I sat on the couch with nick next to matt and chris.

“Do y’all wanna watch a movie or…?” Nick said looking around, everyone nodded, including me, I would rather just watch a movie then have to talk. I cleared my throat and crossed my legs, getting comfortable. Nick got up after putting on a scary movie and went to get some drinks and snacks

“I’ll come help you!” Chris exclaimed, he probably just wanted to make sure no one got his pepsi, but whatever. I come to the realization me and matt are alone on the sofa, the movie is paused, we glance at eachother awkwardly, even if we never argued or said anything about how i felt, we both knew something was up, he was the first one to break the silence.

“Hey you can talk to me you know, you act like you love me or something” he laughed off, my stomach dropped, did he know? No, that’s impossible. I laughed along.

“No I’ve just, just been really busy and-“ i get cut off. “C’mon don’t tell me that bullshit, I know you haven’t been THAT busy to hang out with your favorite friends” he said rolling his eyes, he hit my shoulder playfully. He touched my shoulder. I looked down, trying to find a better excuse, or hoping that he’d just let it slide.

“Well, I’m just reall-” saved by the bell. “LOVEBIRDSSS got the popcorn, drinks, and ready for another hour of edward scissorhands” Nick said placing the popcorn onto the table, crossing his legs over the couch, and grabbing the remote. I let out a sigh of relief, matt looked over at me and huffed, im sure he’ll forget. Chris put his feet over matt’s lap and sipped his soda.

After the movie ended, it was fenomenal as always by the way, we got to talking, great.

“So y/n, what have you been up to? We really haven’t seen you at all these months” Chris spoke between handfuls of popcorn. Nick nodded along

“Well i-“ I glanced over at matt, he was looking at me, of course he would, im speaking, what am i even saying? “I’ve had a heavy month of recording and editing videos, im in the middle of looking for a new editor, AND im getting my drivers license, so yeah, pretty bus- occupied…” I explained to them, half of that was true, i WAS looking for a new editor, just not actively doing so, and i AM getting my license, just not till January…but they bought it, which is the important part.

“Well we’ve all missed you around here” nick scooched next to me. I smiled in return.

“Yeah especially matt” Chris said suggestively, prolonging the word matt in a singsongy voice. Im sure he didn’t mean it that way, was he mocking me?. Matt just rolled his eyes.

“Sure, well im not the one who’s in love with me” he smirked at me, I scoffed, again? Really? Its like everyone is in on a big inside joke but me, and i hate it.

Nick notices my discomfort and diverts the attention from me.

“Hey how about we call Alanha and Madi and we go to Mcdonalds or something” he suggested. “Yeah that sounds great!” I responded, the other two agreed in unison, and we left the previous subject alone, thank god.

As we pulled up to Alanha’s house, Madi and her went out of the door and got into the backseat next to me and Nick, we squeezed in all we could, we laughed about it a bit, it was a relief to see them really, Madi was the only one, along with some other gfs, that knew about it.

“Y/n! Its so good to see you, its been forever” Alanha side hugged me, with difficulty in the cramped car.

“Yeah i know, its good to see you guys too” I smiled at both of them, the car ride to the Mcdonalds drive thru was short, thankfully. Matt lowered the music as the speaker took our order, everyone whispering theirs to him, he remembered my order. We pulled into the parking lot, sorting out all the food.

We decided to eat out in the car park, it was dark so there was no one there, so it was quiet and peacful, we were eating our food and making jokes, Matt kept on slipping little flirty remarks but I ignored them, after all, he was just making fun of me.

“Fuck arent you guys cold?” Madi shivered, rubbing her hands together, it was chilly but we all had at least a hoodie on.

“Here, im warm from all the food” Matt took off his hoodie. He handed it over to her. She put it on. “oh” i thought.

All the sounds around me kind of tuned down, furrowing my eyebrows and snapping myself out of my state, my breathing got a little heavier, i shook my head. Why was a being so dramatic? For the love of god, he just gave her his hoodie, its not like he declared his undying love for her or something, either was it still hurt a little, im lying, it hurt a lot. Madi put her hands in the pocket of Matt’s black ransom hoodie, she smiled and the conversation carried on, but I wasn’t paying attention

“Y/n? Y/n are you theree?” Nick waved a hand in front of my face.

“Sorry I just zoned out there for a sec” I laughed somehow, I didn’t know if it was really visible in my face how upset I was.

“Oh im sorry did you want my hoodie” Matt joked, everyone else laughed along, it was an innocent little joke for them, i get it. I bit the inside of my cheek, he took my feelings as a hilarious thing, as if I was the kings jester. I breathed in, trying not to let the stinging feeling of tears in my eyes win over, I didn’t wanna be the one to say they wanted to go home, so i just waited, not participating in the conversation, but laughing and nodding along at the right times to not raise any suspicions, eventually, Alanha said she had to be up early in the morning, if we could go home, so we did.

“Guys just drop me off here” I sighed, getting out of the car, waving little goodbyes to all of them. Another successful night, drained, the only comfort being my bed and being enveloped by my fluffy sheets. Another night wondering if there’s something wrong with me, and another night realizing once again that hope is, indeed, a dangerous thing for someone like me to have.

a/n: everyone say “fuck you danny!” 🙂🙂 @iha8you

should i do a taglist or something?😭 tell me if u dont wanna be on this

@dwntwn-strnlo @oneirophobic @20nugs @mettsturniolo @iha8you @lvrsparadise @gabbylovesreading

[krowlovesinazuma]

INAZUMA BLOG INAZUMA BLOG INAZUMA BLOG INAZUMA BLOG IM LOVE YOU

How do I do the special anon thing do I ask for emoji identification here or in messages or... and can I choose my emoji? Bird🪶?

Also, can I ask for Kujou Sara with a Kujou Sara Main!Reader? I'm talking C6, max friendship, would basically follow her around as she does her Army General stuff, triple crowned, and takes her pretty much everywhere in Teyvat? I'm sorry my bird girl's so underrated if I can't have a hangout event with her I'll have to request content for her from blogs. I don't know if maining a specific character is allowed or not because of the "altering traits" rule but if so, thank you for taking the time to read this request!

Thanks for the enthusiasm! Also, you only needed to ask, welcome 🪶 anon!

Scenario: How it is to be your favorite

Character: Kujou Sara

Being taken out on so many adventures before you appeared in Teyvat was... Certainly an interesting experience! At first she was really unsure about this being a proper way to use her time, but she couldn't help but warm up eventually.

At first, exploring foreign lands with your lead made her uncomfortable and unsure, and she definitely questioned it heavily once she realized what was happening. Seeing other Inazuman people alongside her did help with this, but overall it takes time to get comfortable.

Seeing so many diverse parts of the world helped her appreciate it more, and how to be more efficient with whatever jobs she had to do by herself, so it was a win/win for her. She also noticed how much stronger she was becoming, which was surprising!

She started to long for your attention when she made the connection to the creator myths, and couldn't help but be glad that you showed her just as much attention as she began to show you. Definitely helped her divide her attention between you and the Shogun!

Speaking about her though, sometimes Sara felt conflicted about following two divine beings by separate, but knowing you also favored Inazuma made her slightly more relaxed about this. Slightly.

When it's finally time to see you in physical shape she's far from ready, although she was eager to meet you. When you come to her however, she tries to show herself as she always is, which fails when you show her fascination. She wasn't ready.

It's going to take a while for her to be fully prepared to accept your compliments, as they were so different from what she usually experienced. Everything you do for her is so different, it takes some time to get used to! Just give her time, and start slow.

She tries to offer you her service to make up for it, but it's hard when she's still active in the Tenryou commission. She'll appreciate it if you accompany her during work instead, and try to convince her that you only need her company. It'll help a ton.

While at first she's overwhelmed by what you throw at her, she'll get used to it over time, and you can tell just how much more relaxed she is in her daily life with your presence to energize her. The others in the commission notice it as well, and they appreciate her better state!

The Shogun will also notice, and before long, she does try to know more about it. Sara does feel guilty about showing you so much attention, even though she was solely devoted to the shogun. You should help her out with speaking with Ei directly for this!

All in all, your presence in her life is such a change of pace that it takes her some getting used to, but once she does, it helps her get through life much more relaxed, stronger and better, and she can't thank you enough for it. She just wishes she had more time to show you her thankfulness!

[dingodad]

you can link to it if youve already answered it, but how do you think lord english “runs” his empire? by the way you talk about alternia, it sounds to me like you imagine he did play a role as some kind of shadow political leader that made active decisions in the structuring of alternia. is that the case? i think thats really interesting, i always wondered what his rulership over the condesce actually looked like. iirc lord english has only ever shown been screaming and destroying things so i’ve always struggled to imagine if he would even be lucid enough to make decisions or do anything other than mass murder. does doc scratch have some way to implicitly understand his desires and then deliver orders to the condesce on his behalf? or was the caliborn that the “kids” fight at some nebulous time in the “future,” the one who’s soul dirk rips out, not teen caliborn but an actually fully realized adult cherub caliborn who had already been fucking with alternia? idk if that makes sense, the part of the comic where the beta kids are described by caliborn to have been sucked into the juju has always been a little weird for me to wrap my head around. i always imagined the battle happened between them all as kids still but now that im trying to imagine a lucid lord english im realizing they could very well all be adults because we still havent “seen” it actually happen aside from caliborn’s claymation right? anyways. very interested in what your thoughts on caliborn’s active influence on alternia looked like

lots of really great questions! i'll try to get my thoughts in order here.

to start at the beginning of lord english's story: yes, it is an important point that we have no idea "when" caliborn's masterpiece actually takes place; how old caliborn is, where the kids who beat him up even came from... and I think this is because the details in that story don't necessarily matter. while i certainly believe there is a point in caliborn's timeline where a gaggle of teenagers show up and stuff him into a puppet, what we see play out on his claymation stage is a mythologised account of something that happens to him over and over again in many many different ways over the course of his time loop.

so while i wouldn't call that caliborn "fully realised", necessarily, i think we are supposed to see him as "caliborn-as-lord-english"; he has the peg leg, he has mastery over the felt, he's finally obtained the rainbow magic eyes, and while he certainly hasn't encountered the trolls yet, no, he has had loads of practice at being the puppetmaster of his own world as he hones his homosuck craft and uses the terminals left to him by his session to influence homestuck itself! (i don't think whether caliborn is ultimately "teen" or an "adult" is hugely relevant, because caliborn's specific circumstances mean that he doesn't really "grow" or "mature" by aging the same way a human does; he gradually acquires power in different ways.)

related to this, i tend to use the names 'caliborn' and 'lord english' interchangeably. which i know not everyone will agree with, but i think it aligns with the hussie's philosophy that act 6 is about the kid versions of the comic's grownup characters; while, yes, the lord english contained within lil cal also contains sprinklings of equius, dirk and gamzee, these characters are ultimately caliborn's servitors, and i would argue that subsuming weaker personalities into his own is kind of part of caliborn's Bag as a dominant cherub.

anyway, all that is just to say that it's important to be aware that lord english DOES act like caliborn, and isn't just a mindless, speechless force of destruction - at least not all of the time. when damara tries to escape his captivity, he speaks to her in caliborn's voice, and perhaps more importantly, tells us the one thing you must never forget about lord english: he is ALREADY HERE. never be fooled into thinking lord english only showed up at alternia's death and then fucked off into the furthest ring to hunt his sister - his first act was to travel back to the beginning of alternian history and become its architect. notice how as soon as lord english speaks, two things happen: first, the cursor changes into english's reptilian hand; second, we see the puppet hole in doc scratch's back - he was the literal puppetmaster behind scratch's actions the whole time!

so yes, lord english was an active participant in the shaping of the alternian empire, though i think "political leader" is probably the wrong description; he certainly never had any face-to-face conversations or gave any direct orders to any trolls, at least within modern troll history. but that's not what he's about: as the cuestick, and with scratch as his cueball, english's manipulations are more about lining up the perfect shot, executing a precision strike, and then letting events play out exactly as planned.

probably the most influential of these precision strikes was establishing the subjugglator cult, who worship him and his puppet as twin mirthful messiahs; while we don't know exactly how he did this, it's not hard to imagine it had something to do with appearing to them as an all-powerful angel at the very dawn of their society. compare this to how the condesce makes cordial visits to every planet she passes on her journey through the stars, then fucks off to let her army of trolls decimate the place. after all, scratch operates in exactly the same way: he doesn't waste his time constantly relaying orders to his proteges, but rather grooms them when they're still young, turning them into his unwitting soldiers so that when he finally does intervene he's only telling them to do things that "deep down, they already know they want to do." (commentary from Homestuck: Book 4, p. 216)

while the condesce formally becomes english's puppet when she kills the handmaid - inheriting both the rustblood's curse and essentially taking up scratch's role on earth - it's not like she was ever particularly hands-on when it came to helming the metaphorical ship herself. in porrim's words, she was "the Lo+rd's slave all alo+ng [...] thro+ugh manipulatio+n by his cunning emplo+yee", but what the condesce enjoys doing most is delegating! on alternia she gave most of her authority to the subjugglators, and then did the exact same shit again on earth. remember meenah never wanted the responsibilities of heiress, and ran to beforus' pink moon to escape them; the way i see it, the condesce rushing off into space to explore the galaxy instead of overseeing the planet she's responsible for is just a repeat of the same behaviour, and doing so left a power vacuum for english to essentially insert his own guys into. (possibly thematically relevant, since lord english's role is fundamentally to shoot balls into unfilled dark pockets.)

in short, english is cleverer - or at least, more competent - than we give him credit for. it's just that rather than a chess master who moves each piece to its proper place individually, he's playing pool; if you line up just the right shot, you only need to make one move, and the balls will play the rest of the moves off of each other. looked at another way, as the Lord of Time and master of the alpha timeline, english makes his moves by controlling inevitability itself. he engineers things so that events can only play out in the exact way he wants them to, and all other options are doomed. and to do that, he only needs to be present at key moments in alternia's history - most importantly its very beginning and its very end.

[atom-writings]

hello! how would netherlands, luxembourg and russia like to spend their honeymoon with their s/o? or, what would the wedding look like?

hetalia netherlands, luxembourg, and russia wedding / honeymoon headcanons

0.6k words ~ gender neutral headcanons

tw: none!

a/n: guys im trying to get back on schedule :sob: i have asks from almost a year im so sorry

Netherlands

When it comes to Abel, neither his wedding nor honeymoon would be big.

For the wedding, there’s no more than, like, 5 people invited. He would’ve preferred a sudden in-and-out wedding if it weren’t for how public it was, regardless of how un-romantic it is for you.

Instead, you can invite people if you want, and you’ll be having a quick, private ceremony in the woods. Probably only with nothing, except like, 2 chairs for “an emergency” (He won’t elaborate on that.)

He also wouldn’t dress up either way, unless it were vitally important to you. He wants to be as true to who he is when he vows to be with you for as long as you live, and he is not a tuxedo guy.

Weirdly enough, it’s how much he cares about the wedding that makes him so weird about it. It’s very important to him, and that means everything has to be as authentic and intimate as possible. So, that means a weird awkward wedding.

Of course, that’s just if he gets his way. But he’s surprisingly lenient with his S/O with most things (as long as it’s not too expensive.)

For future reference, he is most susceptible to puppy dog eyes and “pretty please.”

As for the honeymoon, there’s no way he’s putting any effort into it. You can plan it, but he’s not paying and he’s not helping you guys get there. His ideal honeymoon is a night in and watching a movie he pirated, but whatever you want is fine too.

What he wants to do though is a lot of cliche boring stuff, like going sightseeing, hiking, and visiting museums. Notice how all of it is free? That’s the main idea here. Although, he does love camping regardless of how cheap it ends up being. Lets him show you how much of a man he is <3

He’s not travelling though. Leaving the country is out of the question. The important part already happened, why are you making such a big deal out of it?!

Luxembourg

The exact opposite. Laurent is renting out a significant chunk of his capital city to throw the biggest, most extravagant, most expensive modern wedding in the world! He may be a busy man, but he’s always willing to put away plenty of time for his beloved.

If you like planning events, you two will work together for many months making sure everything is perfect. But if you don’t, he’ll take it all on himself to ensure everything goes perfectly.

But with that, he’ll become really stressed. He wouldn’t snap at you (because after all, it is all for you,) but he’s no fun when he’s that worked up. It’s better if you help.

Especially since he wants your wedding to have great symbolic meaning. Having it represent the shared vision of your future together is his first- well… second priority.

The honeymoon afterwards would be much the same, although he also wouldn’t want to travel too far. Once the spectacle is over, he just appreciates the excuse to do nothing but spend time with you without any pressure.

Preferably trying a bunch of new food, going shopping, and going to stereotypical couple-y activities, like dance classes.

He may seem upbeat, but Laurent is surprisingly melancholic around the time of your wedding. For as excited as he is (which is very,) he can’t help but feel worried about how much time he’ll have with you.

But it shouldn’t get him down too much. He's still riding the high of seeing you in your wedding attire <3

Russia

Ivan would want a very, very, very traditional Russian wedding if you’d be fine with that. Unlike a lot of other nations, he’s never been married before, so he’s very stressed about getting to do every single thing he never got to before.

You’d swear he abandoned you for months before the wedding as he’s panickedly running around the country trying desperately to throw everything together. Half the ceremonies he wants to do haven’t been done for centuries, and he really doesn’t understand why he can’t have live cannon fire at his wedding!

Maybe just pat him on the head and tell him you’ll love him even if you can’t sacrifice 20 goats during the ceremony.

But once the stress (and awkwardness as all of his former friends are forced to attend,) is over, he’s whisking you away for a months-long vacation. Preferably somewhere bright and warm but really; he doesn’t care where you want to go, anywhere is alright, as long as it’s far away from everything you two have to worry about regularly.

His favourite things to do with you while on vacation are really stereotypical, like going to the beach, going to scenic locations, and falling into every tourist trap.

He tries to be as romantic as possible through all of that, but he can’t help being awkward and giddy after you two are finally married.

[v-i-r-i-d-i-a-n]

(I’m using caps, I am not upset JUST PASSIONATE)

This is an Eleven character rant/study, I have a really hard time putting my thoughts into words so I’m sorry if I talk in a circle a lot but I am simply ranting

Y’ALL DONT GET IT

ELS CHARACTER ARC DOESNT MAKE SENSE IF SHE STAYS WITH MIKE

AND IM GONNA TALK ABOUT IT BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE A LOT OF Y’ALL FORGET THAT IF BYLER DOES HAPPEN SHES GONNA PLAY A BIG PART IN THE STORY CUS YK SHES MIKES GIRLFRIEND AND THEIR RELATIONSHIP HAS TO END FOR THAT TO BECOME AN ACTUAL THING

From the moment we’re introduced to El we know that her character arc is about personal freedom, being free, being her own person, she escapes from the lab where she has no freedom and has never had the ability to make her own decisions, that is THE FIRST thing we learn about El; Is that she is searching for freedom. We know El has never had the chance or has even been given the right to choose what happens in her life. We learn that throughout season one, with her being uneducated on the simplest things, not knowing what privacy is and in the end not really wanting privacy, and then she “dies” finally choosing something for herself.

Even in S2 we see her yet again, being in a situation where she does not have freedom. Living with Hopper was like a prison, it reminded El of living in the lab, it reminded her that she did not have control over her life, THAT YET AGAIN the government was deciding what she could and couldn’t do. Even if not directly, the reason Hopper wouldn’t let her out of the house was because the lab was actively searching for her. El didn’t have freedom when living with Hopper.

And then we see her finally choose something for herself, she leaves the house despite it not being safe because she doesn’t want to be controlled anymore, she wants to have freedom. And then someone see’s her and Hopper yells and takes away the ONE THING that connected her to the outside world and she runs away. To be free, to try and finally get some answers for herself. To have the freedom to create her own opinions on information she doesn’t know yet.

And then we meet Kali, and it’s the free-est El has probably EVER felt in her entire life. AND THEN Kali manipulates her, and tries to get her to do something she doesn’t want to do. SHE YET AGAIN DOESNT HAVE TRUE FREEDOM BECAUSE SOMEONE ELSE IS TRYING TO DICTATE HER LIFE, TO USE HER AS A WEAPON

IN S3 SHES ABLE TO SEE MIKE AND GET OUT OF THE HOUSE SOMETIMES BUT SHE STILL ISNT FREE BECAUSE WE KNOW THAT SHE REALLY ONLY SPENDS TIME WITH MIKE AND MIKE ALWAYS COMES TO HOPPERS HOUSE WE KNOW EL DOESNT KNOW WHO SHE IS, THAT SHE DOESNT TRY AND DISCOVER HERSELF FOR AT LEAST 6 MONTHS AFTER THE EVENTS OF S2

El’s arc in S3 is, again, about self discovery (freedom), finally having a sense of being able to make her own choices, trying to figure herself out as a person, OUTSIDE of Mike and Hopper. Figuring out what she likes and doesn’t like and how to have fun and how to be a kid with Max.

EVEN IN S4 EL HAD A TASTE OF FREEDOM AND THEN GETS SWEPT AWAY BY THE LAB ONCE AGAIN. WITHOUT LEARNING TRULY WHO SHE IS YET

Now I know a lot of Mike and El shippers would argue that being with Mike was something that El actively chose on her own but you have to understand how their relationship even came to be to know that’s absolute bullshit

El didn’t know what a friend was when she escaped the lab, and I can tell you FOR SURE that she didn’t understand what Mike meant when he kissed her. Maybe on a surface level, but not really fully understanding it all, I highly doubt Papa taught El ANYTHING about relationships. So this idea of romance was thrust upon her when she had no real idea what it was

The only understanding of romance El had was that of the shows she watched in Hoppers cabin, and we all know that was a dolled up fantasy version of love, but it’s the only example El was ever given, so even if she didn’t fully understand love she thought that was what people did. I don’t know if El ever loved Mike, or if it was hormones, or just simply because she thought “oh, this is what people do. This is what Mike meant. Well, it doesn’t seem too bad. And I’m supposed to do it right? That’s how I’m supposed to act? That’s how people act. So that’s how I will act.” And maybe El did really like Mike, or maybe she confused friendship for love. That I’m not really sure.

But I do know one thing, and that’s that being in a relationship is not healthy for El. Even at this point El doesn’t know who she is as a person, she’s still figuring it out. She’s still searching for that freedom her ENTIRE arc has been about.

And I know a million people have already talked about how Mikes arc surrounds needing to be needed, and that, at its bare bones, is not healthy for El. She does not need him. Maybe at first she did, in S1, when she had just escaped from the lab and needed some sort of guidance, but it was the same way she needed Max, she needed someone to guide her through the basics of being a person..But she does not need him now.

At least not in the relationship type of way. I THINK MIKE AND EL COULD BE REALLY GOOD FRIENDS. But it’s not healthy for either of them to stay together.

Because El needs to find herself outside of someone else, outside of Hopper, outside of Joyce, outside of Max, outside of Mike.

And being in a relationship does not allow her to do that.

Might rant about how Mike staying with El also doesn’t work for him as well idk

I WROTE THIS INSTEAD OF DOING SCHOOL SO SORRY IF ITS RUSHED

[thequietkid-moonie]

Violet Evergarden with a reader who used to fight against her on the enemy side during the war and hc’s about

How they meet again, what do they think of each other at first, how they fall in love with each other, and how they get together please.

Falling in love with an ex soldier enemy

[ ONE-SHOT ] [ Violent Evergarden ]

I started to watch the anime again because i want to see the movies now too and brooooo I being crying a loooot!!!

Also, i think i made a really good job with this one, I think is cute and fluffy (also, maybe a little bit too cheesy but you cant blame me! im a hopless romantic!) ❤️ I hope you like it as much as I did writing it!

After the war finished Violet was finally able to live her life, learning to be just herself and not a weapon for the war. Her job as auto memory doll give her the opportunity to truly enjoy the life and even meet new people

A war is a really cruel and infortunate event, is quite common to people who lived in any of the countries that are involved try to move to another in hopes to get a better quality of life, either during the was or even after the war finished since the aftermath of the war is just as cruel as the war itself. It doesn't matter the military rank you used to have, no matter how much battles you were in or the horrors you you had to witness, the important is that is over and now you can try and have a peaceful life, try to forget all that happened

You two meeting was a mere coincidence, you two only constantly meet while walking the same streets in your way to work, even if it was a small stretch of the road you two always saw each other

Because of Violet's personality the only way you two will met and actively see each other has to be because you two see each other constantly and you start talking to her, honestly a simple greeting everyday, like telling her just a good morning everytime you cross paths or even just wishing her a good day is more than enough to make an impact on her, if it happens everyday it becomes part of her day to the point when if you ever go missing one day Violet will get a little worried and may even wait for a moment in the point where you two usually met in hopes that you are just running a little late

It take a while but at some point Violet herself will try to start a conversation because now she wants to talk more with you, she doesn't really get why but now she now is more curious and want to get to know you a little more, even if your conversations are just about how pretty the day is or wishing you luck for the day, or even Violet giving you advice for something trivial you commented without thinking much but that she have take too serious, it take a long time but your friendship bloom like the prettiest flower, it was small and probably base on small interactions, but for both it was truly meaningful

When you two are together, talking about the most trivial things in the world, even if is just for a few minutes both can feel like if you two were just normal people, as if your life doesn't have a trail of blood behind you, as if you have being like this always, those minutes together is a simple moment of peace, even if non of you were already used to a simple civilian life or are still hunted by the past, all of that is ereased for the few moments when you two stop to greet each other

The feelings grow slowly, just like your friendship, it take a while to pass from a simple feeling of comfortness to love, with her new life it came new people, new places and new feelings, what she feels for you is completely diferent from what she felt for the major, but at the same time holds the same meaning and intensity, you aren't all she has now but she knows she wants to be with you, and even if the feeling is similar she still need time to understand her feelings

Everyone in CH Postal Company can notice the change on Violet, is small and invisible for anyone who doesn't know her enough, but for them is almost obvious that there is something that is making her really happy, and, honestly, everyone is happy for her, cheering for her to don't lose what makes her happy (and, also, trying to pry on her to get to know what it is, specially if is someone)

Ex soldiers tent to have a slow recovery and has problems to readapt to live a normal life, but since you two share the same past then you two can understand the heavy burden that it represents without even knowing, both can go as as slowly as you need because the other need to go to the same rythm, agreeding without even having to say it

Despite not having a problem with talking about it, Violet has never told you that she used to be a soldier just because the topic never came to the conversation, but at some point one of you end up sliping a comment about your past, about the war in a perspective that only a soldier could have, and just with that simple comment both understand that you two share the same past, but with a little more talking, even if one of you just say small coments quickly you two realice that both were fighting on diferent sides

After that is almost as if your relationship have broke, non of you could mutter any other word because it simple doesn't leave your mouth, non of you were even able to see each other again without looking away troubled, not because you were enemies but because of the insecurity and the shame, both have their hands dirt with blood of innocent, both of you feel ashame of what you had to do because of the orders of your superiors, both undestand what it is to be hunted by the pain in your hearts because of the screams and the relentless terrors of the battlefield, but also both share the same feeling that trouble your hearts how am I supouse to look at you after what I have done to your people?

Violet return to be reserved and quite, ashame of her actions on the war and shutting herself, returning to just do her job and trying to easy her mind with all the insecurities, she tries to don't stuck her mind on what happened but her heart hurts, she feels like she is losing you just like she lost the major, even more when she doesn't greet you on your usual spot anymore or whenever she sees you walking with your head down to don't look at her

After a while Violet pass from feeling ashame to be more curious about you again, she constantly catch herself thinking on you, wondering if you have nightmares about being in the battlefield too, wondering if your body also have the scars of the war, if you also feel this heavy burden in her heart and mind for all those you had to kill, if you were also only used as a weapon for the war

After a long time, and some reasurance of her friends (who tries to comfort her without even knowing what happened since Violet doesn't really want to share it with anyone) she finally decides that she wants to know the answer of all those questions, she wants to know how you feel, what you feel, and most important, she now understand that she doesn't want to lose you, so with determination she imediatly take her typewriter and did what she thinks is the best for now, write you a letter

The very next day of writing the letter she waited patiently in the spot where you used to met, even making sure she get there early so she don't miss you out, standing in front of you once you appear she introduce herself as the auto memory doll and give you the letter, just saying that someone have send it to you before saying bye and going to her work. The letter was from herself and express all the worries and sadness that has being bugging her, all her feelings and the fear she has of losing you, of losing what you two had, even making clear that she still doesn't understand what she truly feel for you but she is sure that she doesn't want to lose you

Later that day, Violet recived a special commission, someone that came to CH Postal Company and asked for her services to write an answer of a letter that has recived recently, you were there to answer her letter with another letter, expressing your own worries and what bugged you, but also that you have missed her all this days you couldn't even look at her at her face, admiting that the idea of losing her break your heart and that you hope you two could continue where you left it

After this your relasionship started again, but this time with more strenght, now that you two know that you can understand each other better you can apreciate your friendship even more, and even if you two were taking your time it wouldn't take much time before relice that this relationship were more than a simple friendship, it holds more value and meaning, the feeling are more stronge anc comforting to be just a simple friendship

[rakkuntoast]

hi i underestimated the lenght of this post but here's some q!philza rambling and thoughts about his current arc and lore cuz im kinda insane and i havent been the same person since the birdcage arc started

seeing qphil slowly but surely losing himself has been definetly something, its just an impending event that its taking too long to happen, there's gotta be some point where he breaks

cuz all this birdcage and missing eggs arc has been nothing but him feeling lost, losing his own purpose and place in the island, losing his sense of reality, he feels like a former shell of himself, always wandering around with nowhere to go or reason to BE there, yk? like he's experiencing some hard derealization symptoms its constantly affecting the way he approaches things, the way he approaches people. the empty stares when he saw the parrots or when he heard the thunder, it genuenly feels like he relapses back to that, like he lost all confidence in himself

constantly brushing off the birdcage as a dream, choosing to ignore the glaring red herrings that point into it actually happening (the weird vine, the trees, the avocado sapling, the trail of birds leading to the place, the indestructible grass, the weird blue vine, the toucans) and try to minimize whatever happened to him, not even thinking more about the feathers in his ticket... like just now he feels like he's a target, a part of something grander yet he doesnt believe that himself

ive said this before i think but qphil is one of those parents that had the least going on apart from taking care of his kids, yk? his only purpose was just to be there for his kids and be a hermit but now with them gone and no clue to where they could be he just feels hopeless and empty. like if dont grab him he'll dissapear, just something about him saying that he doesnt know where he should go anymore and that he feels so drawn to uppies now,,, just slowly starting to isolate from everyone else

is this the test quackity was talking about? is the world testing how long will phil endure the constant taunting before going insane? before choosing to isolate himself and leave everyone behind?

it feels like whatever is going on with him and now the special ticket he got is part of something more grander that his character is part of, something that somehow leads to a connection with quackity. feels like we're missing something crucial that will fit the piece that is missing with him, that explains the sudden involvement he now has and why they decided to fuck with his mind, to make him doubt himself in purpose. something that makes it so they are suddenly so interested in him

like yeah the whole bird thing is a huge possibility but why??? is he an experiment? is he patient zero of the hybrid experiments? is he a previous resident that escaped and then came back? why now focus on the whole crow hybrid thing now??? does he have a previous connection with the feds like jaiden and baghera have or is he like quackity and the feds are actively fucking with him