#the whole affair really did hurt their relationship points

[thepettymachine]

they had a girls day out to repair their friendship

[zepskies]

Calculated Risks

Pairing: Soldier Boy/Ben x F. Reader

Summary: You and Ben argue about your commitment to being a working mom. When a rogue supe gets loose at Supe Affairs, mayhem ensues, putting not only your life at risk, but your daughter’s as well.

AN: Welcome back to the BMD-verse, friends! Did you miss these two as much as I did? Plus, get ready for a heavy dose of fan-favorite Frank. (And Lila, of course!)

Word Count: 7K

Tags/Warnings: Familiar bickering, a mission gone awry, angst, hurt/comfort, fluff.

Catch up on the BMD-verse. ⤵️

💚 Break Me Down Masterlist

In four years of marriage, one thing that had never changed between you and Ben was this.

“All right, you’re being a little too much right now,” you said in irritation. “Of course I’m not sitting this one out. I’m the one who found us the damn lead in the first place.”

The man was following you from the adjoining bathroom and back into your shared bedroom, where you began getting dressed for work in the blouse and pencil skirt you’d laid out for yourself.

Your husband had already donned his supe suit, sans helmet. He stood just behind you with his arms crossed, a familiar surly frown on his face. When you turned around, he hadn’t moved an inch.

“I’m being too much? You’re the one who’s not being fucking reasonable,” he said.

You rolled your eyes and moved past him to find your shoes. For this skirt, you really needed heels. Your most comfortable black pumps would do. You grabbed the closet doorknob for balance as you slipped them on, giving him a look of exasperation.

Ben held firm on his stance, but inside, he had a feeling you’d chosen this outfit on purpose. You knew he liked this whole sexcretary look on you, with your hair let down around your shoulders. The skirt and heels just brought his eyes to the delectable curve of your ass.

But again, he was holding firm.

He’d been called in on this case partly because Annie was on maternity leave. She was due in just a few weeks. Which meant “Soldier Boy” was definitely needed to help out Butcher and his merry band of assholes. By now, Ben had gotten used to them.  

“Look,” you said, “Slingshot has been causing a lot of havoc, and the police haven’t been able to catch him. You heard Grace. This is an ‘all hands on deck’ situation.”

“She always says that shit. Doesn’t make it true,” Ben retorted.

“This time it is,” you said. “I’ve already put in tons of man hours on surveillance for this guy. I want to get him off the street.”

Ben held you by your arms. “That’s exactly my point. You’ve been putting in way too many hours.”

You shook your head. He just didn’t get it.

“If I hadn’t, we wouldn’t have this opening now,” you said. You gave him a smile to try and lighten him. “Now he’s all teed up for you and the guys. This should be in and out. Practically a milk run for you.”

“Yeah, but not for you,” he pointed out. “And not for Lila. You’re stretching yourself too damn thin. It’s not like we need the money.”

Ahh, now we get to it, you thought. Yet again, he was bringing this up. In his mind, you should’ve cut your hours at Supe Affairs after Lila was born.

You did take an extended maternity leave of an entire year and a half, which was much more than women usually got from their jobs. However, because of your relationship with Grace and the entire team, you’d been allowed to come back whenever you felt ready. 

Ben had often felt it necessary to point out that with his money, you didn’t have to work at all. 

He knew very well that for you, this work was more than a job. 

“I’m not the first working mom in existence, Ben,” you said, pushing out of his hold. “And I’ll remind you that Supe Affairs has a great daycare program. Lila’s very happy there.”

Plus, she was almost three and a half years old. In less than a year, Lila would be off to preschool.

“And look, it’s not about the money,” you added. “I told you before Lila was born. I am a mother, and I’m your wife. But I’m still me.”

Ben processed that for a moment, meeting your gaze.

“The situation’s changed,” he replied. He grasped your hips this time. His thumb gently brushed over your belly, which had a small bump under your high-waisted skirt. 

You were finally pregnant again. Three months, in fact, and you were having a boy. You knew that Ben had several reasons to be more protective than usual…but still. You thought you were already taking every precaution to keep you and your children safe, even with the occasionally extensive hours of your job.

“These cases can be long and difficult, not to mention dangerous,” said Ben. His green eyes met yours as he looked down at you through furrowed brows. “You’re putting yourself at risk.”

You blew out a breath and tried to placate him, soothing a hand over his chest. 

“I’ve stopped doing field missions,” you pointed out. “And Supe Affairs is the most secure building in the city. Do you think I would bring Lila there if it wasn’t?”

The security team at the S.A. was bar none, not only because Loco was a part of that team. Frank was also your personal bodyguard; Ben hired him back when you found out you were pregnant with Lila.

In fact, Frank was coming to the house in a few minutes to pick you all up.

Ben frowned. “I think you’re being stubborn just to be fucking stubborn.”

That sparked at your temper. Again, you withdrew from his arms and crossed yours.

“I think you need to face the fact that I’m protected as well as I can be,” you said. “I also think that you’re trying to use this as a way to shoehorn me into some antiquated idea of what you still think a wife should be. I’m gonna tell you right now. That’s not me! It’s never been me. And you know that.”

He opened his mouth to give an angry retort, but you beat him to it.

“It’s like you don’t even care about what I want,” you snapped. “Just what you think is right—for me to be here waiting for you to come home, quite literally barefoot and pregnant, ready to rub your balls!”

Cliché as it might’ve been to say, if the shoe fit, then you were certainly not going to be the one to wear it.

“You know what, you can accuse me of being stuck in the fucking past all you want,” Ben said, raising a finger, as well as his voice. “But the problem here isn’t me. It’s that what you want is goddamn idiotic!”

Your mouth fell agape. “Excuse me?! I can’t even believe you right now!”

Ben fairly loomed above you when he shouted back.

“Well, that makes fucking two of us!”

His voice was loud enough to reverberate on the walls. You even flinched, but you held your ground with a glare…

Until you heard a whimper.

You and Ben paused, and turned to find Lila. The three-year-old was cowering a bit in the doorway to your bedroom. Her eyes welled up with tears, and she began to cry.

Your heart broke.

“Oh, honey,” you breathed. You were both apologetic and mortified as you quickly went to her.

Ben was close behind you, but while Lila was quick to melt into your arms when you picked her up, she shied away from his attempt to reach out to her. What would’ve been a placating hand on her head, turned into him pausing in surprise when she ducked.

“Lila?” he prodded.

He tried to mask how put out he was by his daughter hiding her face from him, burrowing into your neck instead. She was usually a daddy’s girl, through and through.

You shot him a knowing frown, while rubbing her back in comfort.

“It’s okay, baby,” you told her. “Your dad and I were just…talking. He didn’t mean to shout.”

When Lila only whimpered in response, Ben’s gaze dimmed in understanding. His lips pursed.

You saw that look on his face, and you wanted to sigh. Part of you felt bad for him, at the way Lila had flinched away from her father. In a way though, maybe it was a lesson he needed to learn.

Frank arrived a few minutes later in a black SUV, like he did every weekday morning to bring you all to work. Ben was quiet and taciturn climbing into the backseat on one side, and you clipped Lila into her car seat from the other side. He still made sure that she was strapped in correctly, and even tried to earn his daughter’s gaze.

She snuck a glance at him a couple of times, but quickly lowered it to play with one of her favorite stuffed animal toys (a little German shepherd that he had gotten for her).

Ben let out a long breath through his nose. He gave Frank a nod through the rearview mirror, and the other man peeled away from the house.

The four of you rode in silence away from your house in Scarsdale, towards New York City.

Ben’s mood remained grim, even when you all got to Supe Affairs. Frank held back while you and Ben stopped in the hallway with Lila. You were carrying her, and she was holding onto you and her stuffed animal like a lifeline instead of looking anywhere else—namely at Ben.

You sighed and tried to pull her back enough to see her face.

“Daddy’s gotta go to work now. Want to say goodbye?” you encouraged.

All Lila could manage was a shy look in his direction. Ben laid a gentle hand on her head, over her dark hair.

“Bye, sweetheart,” he said.

Lila didn’t answer him. She just bit her lip and stayed withdrawn.

You and Ben shared a glance. He was hiding it well behind his usual stoicism, but this was hurting him. There wasn’t much either of you could do about it now, however. You both had work to do, and the mission would have to come first.

“I’ll be online in a bit,” you told him. 

First, you needed to take Lila up to daycare before Frank accompanied you to your office. There you’d be able to join the mission from your computer and put your headset on. Aside from surveillance, you were their virtual eyes on missions. 

So Ben tacitly agreed, and the two of you parted ways.

You went up to the second floor to drop Lila off at daycare, where you set her onto her feet. You could see that she was quiet and almost sad, not as bright and talkative as usual. And she was clinging to your hand. You bent down the best you could in your skirt, so you could meet her eyes.

“Are you still upset with your dad?” you asked. 

After a moment, Lila replied, “Daddy’s loud.”

You couldn’t help a rueful smile. 

“Yeah, he can be,” you nodded. “But he’s gonna work on that, okay? He loves you very much.”

She finally smiled a little when you pressed a few sweet kisses to her cheeks. You felt a little better about leaving her with Sarah, the woman who ran the daycare center. She was kind, but well-organized, and good at her job of wrangling fifteen or so toddlers on a daily basis.

And she was hovering off to the side with a smile, waiting to shepherd Lila over to where the rest of the group were starting at the arts and crafts table.

“Okay, baby. I love you. I’m just downstairs if you need me,” you said, caressing Lila’s cheeks, brushing her hair away from her face.

She nodded and waved goodbye. Sarah then stepped in and guided the girl over to the crafts table. The other kids were already drawing and coloring with crayons and markers.

With a sigh, you knew you had to get to work. You joined Frank out in the hall.

“Did something happen this morning?” he asked. You gave him a weary look.

“Something always happens. I’ll fill you in when we hit the elevator,” you said.

“Kids are resilient. She’ll bounce back,” said Frank, when you two got off the elevator down to the basement, under the first floor. This was where the “heavy stuff” happened at the S.A.

“That’s not the point, Frank. He hasn’t snapped at me like that in a long time, and he really scared her. That’s not fucking okay,” you said. “He needs to learn to control his goddamn temper.”

He sent you a knowing glance. You rolled your eyes.

“Okay, I know I don’t always help. But in this case, I was justified,” you said. “Ben was being an ass.”

“Right,” Frank nodded. “It’s not at all that he’s worried about you.”

You narrowed your eyes at him. “Whose side are you on?”

The man remained silent, but his stoic face wasn’t fooling you. He’d been your friend for much too long, and he knew Ben just as well…which was why you found yourself reconsidering what happened this morning.

“You really think he has a point?” you asked. “Am I working too much?”

Frank shook his head and opened the door for you into the Surveillance Department. The two of you ventured to your office, where your quadruple monitor setup was waiting for you. He also had a desk for himself, since he often spent the long hours of your day with you.

“When you were pregnant with Lila, you were on maternity leave by now,” he pointed out.

“Because we had no idea what was going to happen,” you countered. You went to your desk and started up your computer. “I had to meet with Tonya once a week, ultrasounds and blood tests all the time, making sure Lila was healthy, that I was healthy. This time around, we have a better idea of what to expect.”

For example, you were experiencing bouts of super strength once again, but it was still intermittent. Although, you pretty much never needed coffee. Maybe the supe genes coursing through your system, thanks to your unborn son, was part of the reason why you’d been able to go such long hours for these cases.

He's already brightening up my life, you thought with a little smile, holding a hand over your lower belly.

“It’s your choice,” Frank said at last. “But it is possible that Ben cares about more than just making you a suburban housewife.”

At that, you sighed. There was nothing wrong with being a housewife, you knew. It just wasn’t…you.

Once your computer and monitors were booted up, you connected to the right channels and put on your headset.

Already you could hear M.M. bitching about keeping the weapons trunk organized, not just tossing things in haphazardly. 

“It’s a simple fucking system, Frenchie. You can at least abide by it,” M.M. said. “We don’t have time to be scratching our asses while you try to find a—”

“Hey, Bert and Ernie. Would you shut the fuck up already?” Ben groused.

Your mouth twitched at his grumpiness.

“A little testy this morning, ey guv?” Butcher remarked.

“Gargle my ball sack,” Ben replied, with an even grouchier deadpan than usual.

“Do you kiss your child with that mouth?” Frenchie teased. 

“Nah, just your mother’s French hole,” Ben slung back. You rolled your eyes. 

“All right, all right. Put the measuring tapes away,” you interrupted. “I’m online, locked on your GPS.”

“Well, if it ain’t Mrs. America herself,” Butcher drawled. “Got a lock on Slingshot’s location for us?” 

“You know it,” you replied. “Sending to the group chat now. Slingshot’s been spotted entering a strip club in Chinatown.” 

“Jeez. A little early for tits and booze. It’s 10:00 a.m. on a Tuesday,” said Hughie.

You heard Ben huff in amusement. “It’s never too early.”

You snorted at that.

“Right. I’ll remember that next time you fall asleep watching Family Feud,” you clipped back.

You heard the other guys trying not to laugh as they got into Butcher’s van. Part of you felt bad for teasing Ben, knowing he was already in a bad mood, but you were feeling a bit petty about what happened this morning.

You had to bite your lip against a smile, as you could picture the ill-tempered face your man was likely sporting.

And we’re off.

Lila wasn’t having a good day. 

She didn’t feel like coloring, and the toys just weren’t fun today.

She just didn’t want to be here. The other kids smelled like old Cheetos and feet (especially the boys).

She missed you. And though she hadn’t wanted to admit it to you, she missed Daddy too.

Lila wanted to go home…she wanted her mom. 

“I’m just downstairs if you need me,” you’d said.

Lila had a kind of plan percolating in her mind, all through the morning, and even through lunch time. She didn’t want to get in trouble, but when she’d asked Miss Sarah if she could go see you, she’d said you were at work and couldn’t come get Lila until later. 

But that’s not what Mommy said, Lila thought.  

After lunch, she laid on the napping mat with her pillow and blanket, even though she was wide awake. She didn’t want to nap with the other kids, even though Miss Sarah told her it was time to sleep. 

Again, Lila didn’t want to be bad. She didn’t want to get in trouble either, but she really, really just wanted to see you.

And you’d said it was okay to go downstairs if she needed you, right?

Lila closed her eyes while Miss Sarah was looking, but she waited until the teacher went into her office to answer a call. Then, Lila carefully put Charlie, her stuffed dog, against her pillow, tucking the blanket up to his neck. 

She crawled off her mat and snuck over to the door while Miss Sarah was distracted on her phone. Lila reached up and was just tall enough to twist the doorknob. It led her out of the room, and out into the empty hall. She then looked both ways for a clue on where to go. 

She heard a ding, and looked over at a nearby pair of elevators.

The mission went more or less according to plan. Slingshot’s abilities allowed him to stretch every part of his body like elastic. It not only made him hard to catch, but even harder to maim without collateral damage. 

A whole block in Chinatown was wrecked in the takedown, but your idea of ripping the cables from a nearby utility pole to electrocute him let Ben finally subdue the elastic supe. Kimiko knocked him out, and Butcher slapped some tight-ass cuffs on him and dragged him into the van. They returned with the rogue supe in custody. 

You were mentally exhausted from helping them track down routes to pin down Slingshot, but you were relieved to be done. You were also satisfied that another danger to society was neutralized, for now.

You took pride in your work, and you didn’t think Ben saw that, or thought it was important. You supposed that was what upset you the most about that fight with him.

Sometimes, you wondered if he would ever truly change.

You grabbed your purse and made sure to slip in your gun and taser. You left your office and greeted Frank, who had just finished making his rounds in the building with Loco’s team. Frank joined you on the way to the elevator.

“I meant to ask you, how’s Alana doing?” you asked. Alana was his daughter, who was now in college.

“She’s changed her major yet again,” he said wryly. “This time to philosophy.”

“Philosophy? That’s interesting. What does she want to do with that?” you asked.

“No fucking clue,” he replied, hitting the button for the first floor. “I just hope she gets bored and picks something practical. Like…teaching, or dentistry.”

You shot him a bemused look. “Dentistry?”

“As much money as I put into that girl’s braces, it’d be good for her to pay it forward,” Frank said, in a surly tone that reminded you of Ben. You had to laugh.

You and Frank exited the elevator and started down the hall.

You planned to touch base with Grace Mallory on the safety measures of Slingshot’s containment before he was put into custody. The idea was to house him in a prison cell that could actually hold him until he went through the legal process. 

But you’d only gotten halfway down the hall before the supe in question literally stretched past you on unnaturally long legs—in a blur of his white and blue supe suit. Your eyes widened on a gasp as you watched him head toward the elevator you’d just come off of. 

“Fuckin’ hell, we’ve got a runner!” Butcher shouted from down the hall. He along with Ben, M.M., Frenchie, Hughie, and Kimiko were rushing your way. 

It all happened so fast. 

You registered Frank shooting out a protective arm in front of you. You turned back to see the elevator doors had opened back up, and Slingshot rushed inside. He made eye contact with you.

Then his arms shot out like rubber bands. One of them knocked Frank into the far wall. You gasped and froze on reflex. 

Ben shouted your name; he was running towards you, getting closer. You were able to meet his wide eyes for a brief moment. He reached out for you, but those stretching arms closed around you first. You gasped when they slung you backwards.

You cried out in shock when your back met a surprisingly solid chest.

Meanwhile, Ben barreled the rest of the way down the hall as the elevators closed just short of his angrily furrowed face.

The stretched arms holding you were tight around your torso, making your grit your teeth as you tried to pull away. They twisted you around so you could face your captor. Or so he could see you.

His natural height was around Butcher’s—dark hair, blue eyes, angular features. He gave you what was probably meant to be a suave smile as those baby blues dragged down your body.

“Hey, baby. Nice heels,” he said. You rolled your eyes.

“So that’s why they call you Slingshot,” you said, still a bit breathless. The elevator started to move. He’d chosen the top floor. “Where do you think you’re gonna go?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” he snarked. “Anywhere but here. And you’re gonna help me.”

“How? Being a human shield?”

“For a start,” he smirked down at you. He backed up a step just to take another proper look at you, and he whistled lowly. He took your chin between his sweaty fingers, making you grimace when he stroked your cheek. 

“Down boy,” you said warily. “Trust me, you really don’t want to do this.”

This jackass hadn’t even realized you had a small, but noticeable baby bump.

“Why not, babe?” he grinned. “You’ve got the whole sexy librarian thing going on.” 

You heard a loud creaking sound outside the elevator doors. The compartment itself came to an abrupt stop, making the lights flicker. 

“What the fuck?” Slingshot muttered. His hold around you loosened. 

You had an idea of what just happened, with grim satisfaction. You also took advantage of his distraction and managed to slip a hand into your purse.

You pulled out your taser. Slingshot noticed and tried to grab you again, but the elevator somehow started to move in reverse, about a foot a time. It made both of you lose your balance and utter sounds of surprise.  

As soon as you regained your footing, you aimed the taser at the most sensitive place you could think of—the supe’s dick and balls.

His howls of pain were loud enough to reach Ben, Frank, and the rest of the team on the third floor. Ben’s face became edged with a smirk. 

He kept pulling the elevator cables down until the compartment’s doors were in reach. There he grabbed the doors and pulled them open with his bare hands, crunching metal under his fingers. The moment he saw you, the relief in your eyes, he grabbed your hand and pulled you out, into his arms. 

Slingshot was angry, though he managed to recover, rip off the taser’s metal prongs and wires, and evade Kimiko, M.M., and even Butcher when he slithered his way out of the elevator and around their guns. The bullets ricocheted off the walls, and off his body as they followed him down the hall.

Ben focused on you. He brushed his half-gloved hands over your shoulders and sides while he quickly looked you over. There was worry in his eyes, disguised as anger. You caught your breath and held a protective hand over your lower belly out of reflex. 

“You okay?” he said, but you were already nodding before he asked.

“I’m fine,” you replied. “Just get him. I’ll get Lila.” 

Ben nodded. He shot one last firm look at Frank, who was back at your side. Frank laid a hand on your shoulder as Ben took off down the hall to find Slingshot. 

“The stairs are safer at this point,” Frank said. 

“I would have to agree,” you said, steeling yourself with a breath. 

While you and Frank went downstairs to the second floor, you didn’t see the second elevator ding, its doors opening to your daughter, who ambled out alone. She looked one way down the hall, but hearing her father’s voice carrying down the opposite way, she started venturing in that direction.

If she couldn’t find you, then she’d find her dad. 

“What the hell do you mean you lost her?” you shouted at Sarah, the woman who was supposed to be looking after your daughter. “How do you lose a three-year-old at nap time? What kind of incompetent fuck are you?”

Yes, Ben had unfortunately rubbed off on you. 

Sarah was in tears by the time you were not even halfway done, but Frank calmed you down with another touch to your shoulder. You had tears of panic stinging in your eyes when you met his gaze, your mouth trembling.

“I just radioed in and put Loco and the rest of the security team on looking for Lila. She can’t have gotten far,” he said. 

“Come on! Keep up with me, old man,” Slingshot taunted at Ben. His super flexibility allowed him to keep several steps ahead, dodging any attempts to grab him and any weapons fired with easy dips and playful deflection. 

“When I get my hands on you, you flaccid fuck, you won’t know your ass from your ball sack,” Ben growled. 

But he crashed into the wall when he took a corner too hard trying to tackle the other supe. He picked himself up from the debris of crumbled wall and plaster, ignoring Kimiko’s offer of a helping hand. 

“Big fucking talk from the walking AARP commercial,” Slingshot snorted. He turned around and once again prepared to run. “Try not to shatter a hip, asshole!”

He took off down another bend in the hallway. Meanwhile, Ben shook himself off and joined the others in running after this cocksucker. Ben looked over at Butcher.

“What’s your fucking plan?” he grated out. 

Butcher seemed to have an idea growing in his mind. “What’d she do to him in that elevator?”

“Tased his dick, by the sound of it,” Ben replied. He knew what weapons you kept in your purse, and that you'd know better than to fire a gun in an enclosed elevator. Butcher snapped his fingers.

“Electricity. Bloody brilliant,” he said. He pointed at Hughie and grabbed Frenchie by the collar. “You, with me. I’ve got an idea. The rest of ya, get him pinned down.”

“Easier said than done, motherfucker,” M.M. grumbled. But he followed Ben and Kimiko to find their errant supe. 

Slingshot played a cocky game, but inside, there was fear. 

They’d caught him once, and now, this building was crawling with security, let alone the assholes chasing him.

He was panting for breath when he nearly ran straight into…a kid? 

She was wandering around, trying to open a locked door. He skidded to a stop in front of her, and she looked up at him wide-eyed. He tilted his head. She was a cute little thing with brown hair and green eyes. She wore a blouse with cartoon ducks on it over her jeans and sunshine-yellow shoes. 

“Hey, cutie. Where you going?” asked Slingshot. “Are you lost?”

“Looking for my mom,” she answered, a bit timidly. The supe gave her an easy smile; inside, he knew he’d just found his collateral, and his ticket out of here. 

“Okay. What’s your name?” he asked. 

“L…Lila,” she said. 

“Pretty name for a pretty girl,” he said, with all due charm. He struck a pose, with his fists held up to his waist. “I can help you, Lila. I’m a superhero.”

Her eyes widened. “Really? Like Daddy?”

“Oh, yeah. Your dad and I are friends.” Never mind that he had no fucking clue who her daddy was. He offered her his hand. 

Now, Lila knew not to talk to strangers, but if he knew her dad… 

After a moment of reluctant indecision, she took his hand. Slingshot tapered a smirk into a more friendly smile. 

“Let’s go find him.”  

Ben was ahead of the pack, but he soon came to an abrupt stop with wider eyes. He finally found Slingshot, except he had Ben’s daughter by the hand. Slingshot wore a cocky grin as he took the child up into his arms. 

“Hey, guys. Who’s this little peanut belong to?” he asked. “Said she was looking for her daddy.” 

Ben’s breath turned to lead in his lungs. Lila’s eyes lit up with recognition when she saw him. 

“Daddy!”

Ben’s softer gaze shifted from her, hardening once it reached the other supe. 

“Let her go,” he growled lowly. 

Slingshot’s grin deepened incredulously as he laughed.

“Oh shit, she’s yours?” he exclaimed. “This’s just too fucking perfect.”

“Lila!” your shout came from behind Ben, and you stepped around M.M. and Kimiko.

Ben held out a hand to keep you at bay. He kept his eyes on Slingshot, but Ben heard your gasp. His stomach dipped, knowing your worry had to be reaching new heights as you took in the situation.

“Ben,” you uttered. 

“I’ve got this,” he said to you.

“You don’t got shit, old man,” Slingshot snapped. He shot you a smirk next. “She’s your bitch? Figures.”

“Just let her go,” you implored. You had tears brimming in your eyes. “We can negotiate your release if you promise to be more responsible.”

Ben shot you a glance then. He didn’t intend for this fucker to live, let alone walk the streets of New York again. But he supposed any bluff was worth it at this point.

Meanwhile, seeing the distress on her parents’ faces made Lila begin to break down into tears. She whined, pushing against the supe holding her, wanting to be let go. 

“It’s okay, sweetie,” Slingshot cooed. “You’re just gonna take a little trip with me.”

“No!” a ragged shout tore from your throat when he took a few backward steps down the hall. 

Ben held you back from following him, all while he tensed with rage. M.M. and Kimiko were also poised to try and stop the supe. But Slingshot tightened his hold on Lila in warning.

“Back the fuck off,” he demanded. “Once I get to JFK and get my ass on a plane, maybe, maybe you see your daughter aga—”

He had to stop short, as he sensed something just outside of his peripheral vision.

It was Butcher, coming at him to swing a baseball bat at the supe’s head.

You screamed in protest, but Butcher was relying on the supe’s reflexes to dodge the bat. He wasn’t disappointed. Slingshot dodged. Though in his distraction, it gave Ben the opening he needed to step into his orbit and land a solid punch across Slingshot’s face.

It not only cracked his jaw, but also caught him off guard enough for his grip on the child to loosen. Ben grabbed his daughter and turned her away in a protective embrace.

Then Frenchie brought Slingshot down with the prongs of a massive taser clipping onto his nipples. He jolted and screamed—and went down hard on the tile floor. 

While Hughie and M.M. ushered in the rest of the security team to swarm in and take the supe into custody, you raced forward to Ben and Lila in tears.

Lila was also crying and clinging to Ben’s neck, shaking like a leaf.

“It’s okay, sweetheart. I’ve got you,” he said quietly, so only she could hear. Lila whimpered and burrowed tighter against his neck.

Tears streamed down your face, but you tried to breathe through it. You rubbed her back and checked her over, making sure she wasn’t hurt. 

For Ben, the force of his relief was pounding in his ears. He briefly closed his eyes as he held his daughter closer. 

When he opened them again, he met your gaze. You couldn’t speak. All you could do was grab onto his wrist for support. He gave that to you, wrapping his free arm around your waist and pulling you into his side. 

“Frank,” he said. His voice was a sharp command. The other man was ready to carry out whatever Ben asked. He also looked relieved to see that Lila was all right.

“Pull the car around,” said Ben. Frank nodded, and went to do just that.

Ben turned to watch in satisfaction when Frenchie and M.M. hauled up a still twitching Slingshot. Butcher slapped a pair of electroshock handcuffs on him that would keep him better contained this time—courtesy of the S.A. armory. He nodded over at Ben, and the latter returned the gesture. 

You missed it all, as you were preoccupied with comforting your daughter.

“It’s okay, honey. We’re going home,” you gently whispered to Lila, who was still hiding her face in Ben’s neck. You shared a look with him, and he gave you a short nod. His hand moved to the small of your back, both protective and possessive as the three of you moved towards the garage exit. 

There Frank waited with the car that would take your family home.

You watched Ben with the beginning of tears brimming in your eyes. You managed to hold them at bay while he set Lila down in her bed. You’d just finished giving her a bath and helping her get into her pajamas after a quiet, somewhat tense dinner. 

Lila still seemed upset in her unusually quiet mood, which you knew was understandable. Ben sat at her bedside and soothed a hand over her head, brushing her cheek with his thumb. 

“You’ve had a crazy friggin’ day, huh?” he asked. Lila didn’t want to look at him, but he encouraged it with gentle fingers brushing her chin, teasing the tip of her nose. She hinted at a smile and finally met his eyes. He smiled back at her, if more reserved. But his expression turned serious again.

“What’s wrong?” he asked. He could see it. She had been more or less fine throughout dinner, but now she’d turned quiet and withdrawn again. She only got like that when she was upset about something.

Lila toyed with the ear of her stuffed animal, Charlie. Frank had retrieved it for her from the daycare.

“Sorry I talked to strangers,” Lila mumbled.

You had to bite the inside of your lip so you wouldn’t cry. You came over to sit on the other side of her bed. You sniffed and shook your head, but Ben beat you to what you wanted to say. 

“You’re not in trouble, all right? We’re not mad,” he said. 

Lila’s lower lip wobbled. Ben sighed and picked her up, plopping her down in his lap. She hugged him as tight as she could and he held her back, warm and secure.  

“You know I’m always gonna be there to keep you safe. You never have to worry or be afraid,” he said. 

You carded your fingers through Lila’s hair so she knew you were there too. Usually, the roles were reversed, where you were doing the comforting and Ben was the solid support. Right now though, you just didn’t have the words. Not when guilt was eating you from the inside out.

Fortunately, your husband did have the words, after he heaved a sigh. 

“I might raise my voice, sometimes, but uh…you never have to be afraid of me either. Okay?” he said.

"Mhmm," Lila agreed.

You laid hand on Ben's arm, gently squeezing. He met your gaze, and knew what you were prodding with just that look in your eyes.

Briefly, he hesitated before he looked back down at his daughter.

"I'm sorry I scared you," he said.

Lila nodded against his chest. “It's okay.”

“Good,” he said, laying a kiss on her forehead. “All right, you ready to go to bed?”

She clung to him and made a sound of refusal. 

You were finally able to crack a smile. You leaned down by her ear. 

“You want Daddy to read you a story first?” you asked. 

Ben shot you a look at the way you volunteered him for that. He was tired and drained. 

But one hopeful, shiny look from his daughter, and he folded like a deck of cards.

Later, when Lila was asleep, you tucked her in one last time and Ben turned out the light. He kept the door cracked open, just in case she called for either one of you tonight.

Then, somehow, you and Ben ended up in the kitchen instead of the bedroom. As exhausted as both of you were, you needed this moment to decompress, with one of your old favorite pastimes…

He broke out the whiskey while you found an appropriate midnight snack, and then a seat with him at the breakfast bar. The two of you shared a companionable silence, as well as a large bag of sea salt and vinegar chips. 

That was sort of how you felt inside.

“Today can’t happen again,” Ben said, breaking the silence. 

You looked over at him, but he was looking beyond you. Maybe so he didn’t have to show you how deeply he’d been rattled. You knew him far too well for that. 

“Of course not,” you replied. And you released a sigh. “So here’s what I’m thinking. From now on I’ll work from home, so I can watch Lila until she goes to preschool.”

Ben got ready to argue, but you held up a hand. The other went to rest over your belly. You had scheduled an ultrasound with Dr. Tonya Baker tomorrow, just to make sure all was well after this ordeal.

“I already plan to take my maternity leave when this guy rolls into town,” you said with a smile. “Then, when I’m ready, and if it’s feasible, I can continue to work from home until all the kids are in school.”

Ben’s lips twitched humorlessly. He should’ve known you’d continue making this a negotiation. He set down his glass, and he reached out to slide a hand over yours, across your belly. He took in a deep breath. But when he let it go, you sensed you still hadn’t convinced him.

“Listen, I know you don’t want me to work—” you began.

“It’s not that,” he said. He made sure you looked him in the eyes when he said it. “It’s not.”

Despite yourself, you read the sincerity in his words. It had you pausing, waiting for him to continue.

“You know damn well…that just being around me is dangerous,” he said. “To you, and to Lila. But you being connected with Supe Affairs, working these missions, even from behind a desk, it’s a fucking risk. It’ll always be a risk.”

You considered that with new understanding. You took his hand with both of yours.

“Ben, this life, this work…it’s the same for me as it is for you. It’s all I know how to do. It’s what I’m wired for. So that’s why it’s hard for me to turn down that dial,” you explained. “But look, I understand what you’re saying. Believe me, I do. And today…today was…”

Your breath hitched as tears stung in your eyes. Ben shook his head and tugged you closer.

“Come ‘ere,” he said.

You left your chair to go to him. You stood between his long legs while he pulled you into a warm embrace. Logically, you knew that what happened today wasn’t your fault. However, part of you still felt like a failure of a mother for underestimating the risks of having your daughter at the S.A.  

You should’ve known better, you berated yourself. And yet, it was Ben’s words that stopped your train of thought.

“Today wasn't on you,” he said. "Get that thought outta your head."

He knew you well too, and this was one of those times. You wept harder against him, pressing your face into the crook of his neck. He held you, comforted you until you began to calm down.

“Take your maternity leave early,” he said. His deep voice was a rumble. “You’re going to have your hands full with Lila when I’m not here. Unless we hire someone to help you.”

It was an idea you could consider, but who could you trust? That was the question. 

Maybe your mother? you thought. You knew she was thinking of retiring from her job in a couple of years anyway.

You sighed and slipped your fingers through Ben’s hair. Your hand came to rest on the back of his neck as you leaned against him.

When Lila came into your lives, you had been so excited to start a family that you hadn’t considered the non-physical side effects. Namely, the sacrifices you would have to make in order to keep your family safe. 

Before you met Ben, your job was your life. But today reminded you that your daughter…and your unborn son, were more important to you than your job. No matter how important that job might be for the rest of the world. 

“Let’s talk about this more tomorrow,” you said, shaking your head. “I can’t think anymore.”

After a beat of hesitation, he agreed with a nod. Like so many battles before, whatever compromise you and Ben finally reached would be hard won. His hand found your cheek and caressed your skin.

“You still try my fucking patience, you know that?” he muttered.

You smiled tiredly. “Did you really expect that to change?”

He scoffed. Even so, he guided you off his shoulder so that he could claim your lips. His kiss tasted like the burn of whiskey. You met his demanding lips in kind, though you were the first one to part from him slowly. 

“I love you,” you whispered a reminder. 

Ben nodded and pressed a kiss to your forehead. He lingered there for a moment, as if he could pause the world for a while. 

He eventually let out a breath through his nose and allowed himself to be honest.

“I love you too,” he said.

With that shared understanding, he stood from his seat. He drained the last of his glass before he bent to gather you up into his arms. You yelped in surprise, clinging to his shoulders.

“Time for some rest,” Ben said. There was a certain smile on his face, gentler than usual.

He forged a path towards the bedroom. You sighed and laid your head against his chest. 

For once, you didn’t argue with him.  

AN: I've been wanting to put this one out for a while now. 💚💚 I so hope you enjoyed this chapter of the BMD verse! Do you like how their little family is evolving? 😘

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[writing-for-life]

The Mortifying Ordeal of Being Known

Or: Does Morpheus really have commitment issues?

[Bear with me, I’ll get to this panel 🤣]

I’ve read many times that Morpheus supposedly has commitment issues, and it always has me scratching my head a bit…

I personally rather think he is desperate to commit. He so badly craves a serious relationship that he is prone to rush into it and build it on wonky foundations, but he has certainly no commitment issues as we would commonly understand them.

Is it in his nature though to be truly seen and understood when he is [a] Dream? And can dreams ever last? These are the much more interesting questions in my view. Let’s have a look at the romantic relationships we know of…

Killalla: Walked out on him. That wasn’t his lack of commitment. If anything, he came on a bit strong while she was still assessing her feelings for him.

Alianora: He fully committed to her despite basically being bullied into it by Desire. And they were happy for “a goodly while”. For those in doubt: “Goodly” doesn’t mean “a bit”. It means “great, large, long.” And the fact that Alianora couldn’t go back to her own plane because she had stayed in the Dreaming too long corroborates that they were together for a long time. Probably longer than any human relationship ever lasts, because I doubt “a long time” means “a couple of years” for someone who is 12 billion years old.

And now I’ll sandwich the relationship we hardly know anything about between some random (?) panels to also make a point why I think it might sit here in the timeline…

Titania: Who knows. Sounded like an affair, and as if they both had no intention of committing. He was clearly very fond of her though, and I can never shake the feeling that we should look a bit deeper into AMND and find the parallels between Auberon, Titania (not hard, and they are pretty much pictured as estranged) and Bottom. There are many ways to get confused with a jackass, you know? 🤣 Plus, Bottom is the one who gets to play Pyramus in “Pyramus and Thisbe”. That’s the ultimate blueprint for “Romeo and Juliet”: Ill-fated love of catastrophic proportions, people are dead by the end of it. That’s why I often wondered if the affair with Titania was actually pre-Nada, and the inspiration for Shakespeare wasn’t random (it wasn’t random for The Tempest either). I mean, it wasn’t random anyway because it was a parting gift, but I also don’t think it was entirely random with regard to their relationship. Wild head-canon of course, but maybe not that wild (he also says that Wendel’s Mound was already a theatre before humans walked the earth, so there’s that)? And even if he wasn’t committed (we quite frankly don’t know if he intended to but she didn’t or couldn’t), she and the Fae meant enough to him to give them a play as a parting gift.

Nada: Killed herself after one night, but that wasn’t down to lack of commitment on his part. Again: If anything, he came on far too strong, wanted to be with her and was far too pushy about it.

Calliope: We don’t know how long they were together before they had Orpheus. Could have been a while, could have been only a shortish time. But even if we assumed they had him fairly quickly—they were still together when Orpheus, who was mortal, got married to Eurydice, so even if he got married young, we’re still talking something in the realm of +/- 20 years, and that’s the absolute low-ball-estimate. And while they had started to drift apart (considering what we know from Calliope), they were still on good terms and had no intention of splitting up until the whole Orpheus drama caused a rift they couldn’t mend. Again: That’s not someone who has commitment issues. It’s a relationship breaking down over hurt, stubbornness and grief.

Thessaly: Again, she was the one who left him and caused his dramatic interlude in the rain. Were they ill suited? Yes. Did she feel neglected and went into a strop over it? Yes. Did he not get that she felt neglected? Also yes, but that’s not lack of commitment. That’s his not getting that people aren’t mind readers (must be hard if you’re probably one yourself 🤣) and, by and large, need assurances of love. He doesn’t get that these women don’t understand they have his love; he can’t grasp that line of thinking because it is all so clear to him when he loves someone: They have him, what’s the issue? Is that a not so great way of (not) communicating when you’re having a relationship to someone? Absolutely. Is it a commitment issue though? Absolutely not.

I think Morpheus doesn’t really have commitment issues in romantic relationships—wouldn’t that almost be antithetical to his nature? Rules and responsibilities. Yeah, about that one…

What I do think is that he struggles with the mortifying ordeal of being (not) known by his lovers. Because how could he? He is Dream. That is his problem. Dreams cannot be fully known or understood. He is very eloquent but at the same time a very… confusing communicator. I don’t want to say “bad”, because I feel that’s not getting to the bottom of it. Again, it is the nature of dreams to be confusing and strange, open to (mis)interpretation, hard to grasp and understand. And they also stop being dreams once they become real. All of that is true and hence makes relationships both hard for him and those involved. Is he truly not willing to commit though?

I still find that hard to believe…

[vaguely-concerned]

I wanted to write out a more condensed version of the Garashir thoughts I accumulated through my read of a stitch in time, because it really is driving me slightly nuts. so here we go!

I think my basic takeaway is something like: if you look at what's actually on the page as dialogue and not just the story garak tells himself internally of what has happened between them (which is basically 'I've fucked up somehow and I don't know how or why but something's broken here and I messed it up; I have nothing left of interest to offer him', pretty clearly going over it in his head like he would trying to figure out what he did wrong when tain locked him in a closet as a child), you kind of get the feeling that julian doesn't know what to do with the way garak flinches away from him whenever he tries to get closer or offer help. (which like. not for nothing but that's actually the dynamic between garak and mila too, but with garak's role switched to the mostly-resigned seeker of contact rather than the flincher-away. we all know garak’s daddy issues but I think the mommy issues at work are doing some gulf stream shit under the surface as well lol.) so julian starts hesitating in seeking out contact in the first place, nevermind asking him for anything more when garak's also clearly falling apart mentally and seems unreachable in the first place. and Julian also doesn't want to mess this up and make something already fraught and painful even worse; he still wants to help! he always wants to help, that’s just who he is, he keeps trying through the whole book. and when garak mostly-gently but reflexively and firmly rebuffs him each time he tries… after a while it seems like he doesn't think he's welcome, or that he's imposing and garak doesn't really want him there — that he's just humoring him or something when he does let him in, just like garak was so afraid palandine was doing with him in the beginning. it’s only in the final scene between them that garak invites him in and asks for help on his own initiative. 

“I’m pleased you stopped by”/”No, you’re not,” he said quietly. ‘I really won’t take up any more of your time’. “You see, this is so difficult, Garak. I know what a private person you are, and how you detest people meddling in your affairs….”. “Your holosuite program. The one that allows me to visit the traumas of my childhood.”/“I hesitate to suggest this, remembering how you reacted the last time … but, yes, I feel it could make a difference,” the Doctor gamely admitted. (Julian I love you so much. Eternal optimist hours. Keep it up it’s going to get you spectacularly laid if you just get on that shuttle to Cardassia.) All these moments do not read to me as someone who has no interest in continuing or deepening this relationship (maybe the opposite, in fact), it gives me more the sense of someone who feels he keeps putting his foot in his mouth and making the damage worse no matter what he tries, and not knowing what else to do but to back off to save them both more pain. (he also needs help and support, but he’s not going to go ask it of someone who’s clearly in no position to give it (on account of visibly falling apart even more than usual). And also because the good doctor is such a hypocrite lol ‘of course you’re worth asking for and receiving help!! I’m just fine tho don’t worry about me *light is slowly dying in his eyes behind the smile as the seasons go on*’. Stiff upper lip to the point of psychological breakdown-off (cross-cultural, competitive))  

and the most painful thing to me is that after their disastrous tea party in garak’s shop, at the very least, garak clearly realizes he's hurting julian by keeping him out (But as to the question of which group suffers the most…), and he desperately wants to stop hurting him but he just doesn't know how!!! he's never learned how to close the distance! he's been locked completely into himself by the way tain shaped him and doesn't know how to get out of the closet so to speak yet! ('...am I not. *supposed* to pretend to be functional and have no needs. is that not like. my entire job interpersonally. I am confused.') it’s something Tolan already observes in him and grieves over when he comes home from Bamarren, and the years since have uh not helped with that particular problem lol. for all he longs for it, intimacy is like a hot stove to him; he can’t help but reach out, and he can’t help but flinch away when he actually comes into contact with it. almost the worst part is that I think Julian can tell some of that too and sort of understands it/doesn't hold it against him, and it just makes it even sadder, somehow. they both move so carefully around each other through this, because even in the middle of all that they really do try to be kind to each other the best they know how and it fucks me up so bad. which makes it even crazier and more touching that all of asit is basically garak processing his shit until he can get to the last line honestly — 'You're always welcome, Doctor'. he pulled a full lizardly mr darcy in the post-apocalypse here, he got around to starting to fix himself at least partly to be in a place where he could be able to meet Julian in the ways he needs if he wants that from him. And that drives me utterly insane thanks for asking!!! WILD BOOK COMPLETELY UNHINGED 300+ PAGE DECLARATION OF LOVE AND INTIMACY WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL

(this post started life as a tag ramble under @spocks-kaathyra‘s wonderful post about Julian’s side of it over here, but — as I’m sure you'll be astonished to learn at this point — I found I somehow had even more things to say, my neurons boileth over perpetually and it seems I just have to live with that)

[ryuichirou]

What do you think about Lilia and Idia's chats? I know you ship them but did they affect you in any way?

Sorry for the late reply, Anon!

This is one of those asks that I really went “oh no I have to think about this one properly, this is a very important topic” lol But it’s probably for the best because today is kind of a perfect day for me to write about this particular topic.

As always, I ended up talking a whole lot, so I hope you enjoy reading it. I’ll try not to digress too much!

Short answer would be yes of course it affected me: I’m pretty sure it was one of the main reasons why I started shipping them in the first place.

As someone who crawled out of Homestuck’s cradle (and will stay there forever at least in some capacity), I really love it when characters chat. I think all of us act a bit differently when we’re on the internet, even if we’re trying to be 100% honest, or at least we are perceived a bit differently. And when you have two characters who know each other irl, but also know each other online as different people, and one of them is crushing hard, it creates such an interesting dynamic… so beautiful.

It’s very interesting to see Idia swooning so hard. He doesn’t act that way around anybody else, even people he is kind of close with (Azul is the only example but), which contrasts nicely to his usual snarky antisocial self. I love it a lot when this type of character gets very into someone and ends up being a bit tormented by his own inner demons: he craves to be closer to that person, he wants to spend more time together, but he is scared that the moment he accepts his feeling he’s going to get hurt. He is terrified of being vulnerable, but Muscle Crimson makes him so happy that he just can’t help himself. Idia is so cynical and pessimistic, he already accepted the fact that he’ll stay lonely forever, and yet whenever Lilia appears, he gets hopeful, romantic and longing. Very Megara of you, Idia lol

What doesn’t help is that no matter what Muscle Crimson does, somehow it only makes him more perfect in Idia’s eyes…

For starters, in ch6 Idia said that one of the things he loves most about Muscle Crimson is that he never oversteps and is very understanding of him, and how he is very natural in a way he expresses things. What I’m trying to say is that Idia never feels like he has to explain himself or push himself, like MC always gets it and never pries into his affairs. This is the thing that Idia usually struggles with the most: social expectations, the pacing of a conversation, the arbitrary rules of how two people should communicate; and he doesn’t have those issues with MC whatsoever. It’s very easy for him to talk with MC because the moment this usual obstacle isn’t present, Idia is suddenly very eager to connect with another person. MC is chill, MC is nice, MC is mature and MC isn’t needy. We see it so much with their online conversations, it’s incredible.

I also really love their chats because they very nicely show what exactly Idia wants from a relationship. Whenever I talk about Idia’s ideal type, Idia’s love language, Idia’s anything, I always end up talking about it: Idia loves quality time and sharing things that he loves with others, so the fact that he can play videogames with Lilia is massively important for him, but this isn’t the only thing. In Idia’s dorm uniform vignette (god that vignette is such a feast for a multishipper), Idia gets so excited because MC not only agreed to listen to his favourite band, but also was engaged enough to express that he wants to listen to them! On his own volition! Azul-shi who didn’t even bother to listen to their music that Idia kindly brought to him should take notes!

I’m sorry but let’s take a look at this dialogue (official translation from wiki but I just want to make a point okay):

<Muscle Red>  

Ah, I see. My apologies for not being well-informed on the topic.

<Gloomurai>   

NP! sorry for rambling about something you don't care about lol

Imagine ranting to someone about your oshiis, and instead of being annoyed or politely agreeing with you, the person goes “oh I’m sorry that I haven’t heard about them”. Of course, Idia’s instinct is to pull back a little and to apologise for his rambling and to joke about MC not being interested – not as a jab at Lilia, but as a jab at himself instead for bothering him with unnecessary information.

And instead of just letting the conversation go to some other lane (which would’ve been a bit sad, but ultimately not that bad because Lilia’s initial response wasn’t an annoyed one), for some reason, MC does this of all things:

<Muscle Red>  

Actually, after seeing how passionate you are about them...

<Muscle Red>  

My interest in this Premo group has been thoroughly piqued.

<Gloomurai>   

you're already interested just from hearing me drone on and on?

<Gloomurai>   

you're like the nicest guy. i'd give you 100 rare drops if i could

<Muscle Red>  

Would you recommend a particular song for a first-time listener?

Not only he didn’t get a “ehhh yeah cool”, but he also got a ��send me their songs” instead. It’s like Lilia is actively trying to lure this poor otaku boy into his embrace lol But the best thing is that it is so casual and genuine, even Idia-the-biggest-cynic doesn’t feel like he is just trying to be nice about it. And as I always say, despite being a hikikomori, Idia is good at reading people, and someone as insecure as he is would’ve definitely thought that MC was just being nice. But he didn’t, instead he got super excited about it.  The boy is so smitten he’s melting as we speak...

And not only that! When in that exact vignette some shenanigans happen with the website of the band, and Idia gets upset about it, MC is so quick to cheer him up and comfort him. It’s interesting with Lilia because he really is wise and mature, but sometimes he doesn’t quite know what to say to comfort someone?? There are some areas in which he is a bit clumsy, I guess, but it seems like when it comes to Gloomy Samurai, it feels like he knows him super well. How his mind and emotion operates, what makes him upset. It’s sweet that he is very eager to support him and feels genuinely bad for him; we’re even shown Lilia himself in his own room being troubled that his online buddy might get depressed over what happened. It’s just so… sweet?? I don’t think Idia had anyone other than Ortho support him like that before. I’ll talk about Lilia in general in a moment though.

One last thing about this vignette is that I wanted to talk about is this little exchange:

<Gloomurai>   

it'd be so cool if we could meet up IRL...

<Muscle Red>  

Oh? Well, if you wish to meet offline, I'd gladly visit whenever you like.

<Gloomurai>   

oh nonononono, i live in a super remote place rn!

<Gloomurai>   

i'd have to take planes, trains, buses, and boats to go p. much anywhere

<Gloomurai>   

meeting up would be a whole THING...

Imagine Idia fucking Shroud not only having a gaming buddy he is excited to talk to, and not only entertaining the idea of meeting said buddy irl, but also EXPRESSING THIS IDEA OUTLOUD? And once again, he is met with enthusiasm, because OF COURSE MC wouldn’t mind hanging out irl! And the moment he gets that response, he pulls back once again, keeping his distance, being anxious and overwhelmed by the possibility of meeting up with MC. It’s incredibly interesting to see Idia acting this way, and once again it shows just how much he doesn’t want to ruin what they have right now. Let’s be honest, it’s not just the fact that he is in NRC; he would’ve easily traveled somewhere if he needed to, they have portals, for fuck’s sake, although not for personal usage. In this convo Idia does what Idia does all the time in their chats: he dares to express interest in MC’s irl affairs, and then gets terrified that MC won’t like it, or MC will answer and somehow this newfound knowledge will ruin something, or that things will get weird: Idia just doesn’t want to risk breaking this balance between them that is super fragile in his eyes.

I love him being so unsure and anxious. I love him being invested and infatuated, but also being so afraid to get hurt. It’s like Lilia is taming him little by little… which isn’t intentional on Lilia’s part lol He’s just hanging out with the guy he likes to hang out with! And the guy is out there falling in love deeper and deeper with every single one of their chat.

But the thing is, this is still not completely one-sided. It’s just that we tend to focus on Idia during these chats, and Idia is really crushing hard on Lilia, but when we’re shown Lilia’s side in his Suitor Suit vignette, we have a little more info on how he feels.

I find it interesting that after Idia’s little rant about how marriage in-game is a stupid mechanic and that it’s such a pain, Lilia changes his mind about asking Idia if he wanted to get married in-game… for unlocking an achievement of course. Which is SUCH A SHAME because Idia would’ve gone full 180 on this topic and would’ve accepted his proposal so fucking hard lol After learning just how much Idia pulls back and rambles, the whole thing really feels like Idia thinking that someone like MC would never ask him for something like this, and how suggesting it himself would’ve been stupid: what if MC thinks that he’s weird or clingy or cringe? So he threw the ball to Lilia’s side of the court so aggressively, that Lilia just figured that Idia hated the idea in general and didn’t want to play with him at all… SUCH A SHAAAME.

But still, it shows that Lilia also doesn’t want to make Gloomy Samurai uncomfortable. Not from the place of extreme shyness, but from the place of loving hanging out with him and not wanting things to become too complicated.

But also!! It’s so interesting to compare the way they act and type. Lilia is so proper with his lack of emoticons, but he is still playful with his comments from time to time. So reliable, so mature, of course Idia’s mental portrait of Muscle Crimson is “older man who may or may not have a family and may or may not be a proper businessmen” lol The boy is talking to someone else’s husband and dad in his head… I also love moments during which Lilia just goes “oh yeah I used to wear armour for work” and Idia just assumes that he’s joking around. I want to see more of their chats ahhh! And I want the big reveal!!

On a personal note (you don’t have to read that part lol), I have my own sentimental reasons to be so into this whole thing. It feels very nostalgic because the whole dynamic, the situations, even the typing style to some degree, it all feels very similar to what we went through ages ago. I won’t point at Lilia and say “he’s just like me for real” because I definitely wasn’t as slick as him at the stupid age of 16, but I did try to have this mature image back then lol But also, just like Lilia, seriously underestimated just how much that antisocial sweetheart I enjoy talking to a lot is into me.

Those early stages of the growing and blossoming relationship, moments of pulling back, showing initiative, trying and being insecure about all those things: I can see it in them, especially in Idia. Since I was technically the Lilia of the situation, I feel such warmth witnessing those early steps in Idia, his crush and his doubts about the whole thing. It’s like… flirting, but not quite? Some other style of flirting that isn’t really noticeable until you really look at it. Since I myself was quite dense back then and, once again, didn’t notice a crush (that I was told about btw) for quite some time, I feel especially sorry for Idia and his pains LOL But also, especially hopeful~

It’s precious. I could’ve written something edgier or sexier but ultimately I feel like it’s very precious, at least to me lol I really love these two. And this is why I’m writing this post today of all days. Very sneaky of me.

Anyways, thank you so much for your question, Anon <3 I love these two a lot.

[starkdirewolflove]

Latest episode of X-Men ‘97, wow.

Omg there was so much going on in that episode can’t believe it was only 36 minutes.

Love square of Jean, Scott. Madelyne and Logan. Love triangle of Magneto, Rogue and Gambit, relationship drama galore.

I find it really amusing that Emma Frost has a front row seat to the drama with Jean, Madelyne and Scott like her own personal telenovela. Love that Madelyne has been forging her own path and becoming a part of the council of Genosha.

There’s a reporter doing a documentary about the X-Men and Xavier’s school. I’m a bit confused about Roberto being there. When we first meet him he’s a young rich party boy, heir to a wealthy Brazilian family that can just take a private jet wherever he wants to go and is ashamed and afraid of people, particularly his mother learning he’s a mutant so he leaves after episode one. Then he’s just always at the mansion hanging around with Jubilee and he’s in this documentary about a mutant school. Is he out to his family as a mutant or does he not care who knows anymore? I feel like this should’ve been addressed at some point.

Things are still really rocky with Scott and Jean, I can understand why he blew up at the reporter, she was being really invasive about his personal life and calling him a liar about having a son. And who was that doctor to make any statement about the birth? The bigot refused medical help to a woman in labour. But then he goes and has his psychic affair with Madelyne, dick move. And he’s been doing this since she left while shutting Jean out then turns everything around on her. Like Jean has been traumatised by what Sinister did to her. She doesn’t know how long he had her abducted, what he did while she was his prisoner, her mind is all messed up and on top of that her husband had a baby with her clone who had completely stolen her life (not Madelyne’s fault, this was 100% Sinister’s evil plan) and the only one who is actually supportive and understanding of her pain is Logan, no wonder she kissed him. Good on Logan for not trying to make the kiss into a big deal, Jean and Scott are married and he respects that even though he’s in love with her. The betrayal from Scott was even worse for Jean because their psychic connection has always been sacred between the two of them and her anchor when the Phoenix was overwhelming her and then he disregards all that because he’s in love with Madelyne too supposedly. Like I get their shared grief over having to give up their baby, it doesn’t give him a free pass to cheat on his wife.

Gambit was such a gentleman throughout the whole Rogue and Magento stuff, even though it was breaking his heart to see her with another man he respected her choice, didn’t try to blame or shame her about it and said they can be friends still. Rogue had a really rough time this episode. From the start of this season I felt uncomfortable with this Rogue and Magento pairing but when she explained their history to Gambit it was even worse because it just sounded like grooming and made Magento a creepy sexual predator. So Rogue ran away from home as a teenager after the trauma of putting the first boy she kissed in a coma and being rejected by her dad, gets taken in by Mystique who gets her to use her powers as part of her mutant terrorist group then brings this vulnerable teenage girl who is afraid to touch anyone to a middle aged man to help her control her powers and instead of doing that he fills her head with his ideologies and because he can touch her without it hurting either of them they become lovers. 🤢🤮 so creepy. Magento leverages the council of Genosha that he will only lead them if he can take Rogue as his “Queen” or co leader to the public, so she feels backed into a corner after seeing how amazing things on Genosha were for mutants now. Then after that amazing dance scene she realises that Gambit is the man she truly loves and what they have is more meaningful and goes beyond being able to touch and she chooses her swamp rat only to lose them both by the end of the episode.

The attack on Genosha was brutal but it was so amazingly done. Cable traveling back through time to try and warn everyone about the attack even though it goes against the rules of time travel, seeing Madelyn for a moment, her recognising him as her son by his eyes and him calling her “mom” as he got pulled back through time. The music, the chaos and panic you could literally feel through the screen, Magneto’s holocaust flashbacks, the Morlocks being trapped and thinking no one was coming to save them, Nightcrawler almost dying saving Rogue and Magneto.

Rogue and Gambit were the ultimate power couple fighting their way to the Morlocks, a better dance than the one she had with Magneto. Magneto saving Rogue and Gambit while he tried to shelter the Morlocks from the sentinel blast, so tragic. Then Gambit saves Rogue from getting herself killed by attacking the sentinel in a rage, takes it on by himself to save everyone and destroys it but sacrificing his own life in the process 😭.

The tragedy is they foreshadowed this in the first episode when Jean/Madelyne went into Trask’s mind and then both Jean and Madelyne got a psychic premonition of the attack just before it happened but were unable to do anything to stop it.

When the dust settles at the end you see the X-Men witness the aftermath of the attack, the few surviving mutants gather around the crater where Rogue is cradling Remy’s body. She’s finally able to touch him but only because he’s dead. “Sugah. I can’t feel you.” 💔

That killed me at the end, was so shocked that they killed Magneto and Gambit within minutes of each other. I know they probably won’t be dead forever but fuck that was brutal.

I know next week’s episode is gonna be Storm centric so we’ll probably have to wait 2 weeks to see what happens with the rest of the X-Men and hopefully by then Storm is ready to rejoin the team. There was a moment in the Genosha attack where Val Cooper is helping evacuate mutants to the gardens and she looks back at the sentinels and there’s this look in her eye that made me wonder is she Val Cooper or Mystique in disguise? We haven’t seen Mystique in the show so far but what if she’s been there all along? Maybe she was afraid of being exposed as an imposter by the sentinels because they’d know she’s not human.

[neverfilth]

Started writing down my Blobs/Papermouth thoughts, and it got out of hand

One of the main reasons I'm so on board with the Blobs/Roger storyline is that I see some potential similarities between him and Raymond that could lead to some interesting developments in the relationship's dynamic.

They're both cowardly men who had very obvious struggles with their wives. Florence and Sherry are VERY different situations, but both had some sort of conflict within their marriage that stemmed from the husband's inability to communicate properly. 

Both cope with their cowardice in different ways. Though Roger is shown visiting Forghetty's, I don't see him having alcoholic tendencies. I see it as a man desperate to find someone to patch a wound he is still very clearly feeling the hurt of.

Instead, Roger uses his gun as a replacement for his cowardice. It's a very unhealthy coping mechanism, but it's clearly reflexive for him.

It creates a sort of parallel situation that, if approached correctly, could've told an interesting story for Blobs. 

When searching for info about what was officially said about the lost Blobs/Roger plotline, there was a bit of posting in a long defunct adult swim forum, and one of the things that was said was that it would be good for the both of them. I've tried to find the other pages of this forum, but they're unviewable on the wayback machine for some reason.

What does this mean for them?

Well, I think Blobs would be able to finally focus on herself by pursuing this affair. She would have someone who's finally paying her the attention she craves so badly, and as we've seen in a couple scenes Blobs has an interesting shift in demeanor when she is treated with any degree of kindness.

Being in a better headspace would potentially soften her mood and open her up to that development she needs so badly. 

But she would have to be able to accept the fact that she was having an affair, something she really never did with the whole Danielle situation. If she did want to throw it all to chance and leave for Papermouth, that would put a very big spotlight on her and her family. 

She already has one kid who is a constant reminder of her own infidelity, one whom she consistently shuns away and pretends isn't there.

So what's one of the first steps here?

Acceptance.

A couple stages of it.

First, she needs to accept Shapey and be able to form a proper bond with him, which I think is much more possible with her in a more positive headspace.

We see Shapey on track to develop more, but that plot thread is abruptly cut as the series comes to an unfortunate early end. 

But we do get the:

“When I'm thirsty, it feels how I feel when I'm alone” line.

A statement in which Bloberta has a very different reaction to. Her son is talking to her like a person, and for the first time, she finally sees him. 

This would be the starting point for her to wake up and start attempting to form a real connection with Shapey. To move past viewing him as a remnant of actions she sees as unclean.

But these actions are things she's repeating yet again, and that's another step of acceptance. 

She needs to accept that she isn't this perfect flower of a housewife who grins and bears it every day. 

She has needs and wants that are not being fulfilled in her marriage. She is a miserable shell of a person, a zombie shambling into her grave every single night. With the only strong emotion she has left being resentment.

And that creates a cycle. A vicious cycle that can only be broken if she can admit her truest self wholeheartedly. Appearances be damned.

Only then can she have an actual shot at finding happiness with a man or without. 

Could she actually do this?

Maybe and maybe not, but her and Roger can only happen properly if she does.

At that point, it's just about how they can help each other grow into better people.

Besides the running gag of him having an itchy trigger finger, Roger is mostly shown to be a well-meaning but very cowardly man who seems to wear his emotions on his sleeve. 

He's very open about how he hasn't gotten over Florence, and he very much still loves her. In sacrifice, he even cares more about defending her than himself.

Which in Moralton is definitely not the norm.

He was also very kind to Orel in Beforel Orel when he was supposed to be in trouble.

Gave him his punishment malted. A very stark contrast to how Clay and Bloberta have handled their children. (Ironically he still has the gun in his hand here)

Though there is very little to look into for Roger's character, the pieces are still there. They're just very small since he never really got to graduate out of background character status.

Despite this, we know a few things at the very least.

He's a coward, he's a bit stupid, he seems to be pretty emotional, and he has some desperation to him as well.

How are these traits good for Bloberta?

Well for one Roger is a pretty simple guy, which is already a stark contrast to Clay who has his own slew of complexities and baggage.

But a guy who's so desperate he’s willing to throw cash at the first woman he sees just for a bit of company? That's right up her alley.

She could easily become charmed by someone who would pay attention to her but add fancy gifts on top of it, and she's sold.

Or bought, I guess.

The important thing is that she would feel wanted and appreciated.

I think his cowardice would be the one thing that drives Bloberta to help him in turn. I said before that I do see some potential parallels between him and Raymond and I think that would resonate a lot with Bloberta.

Especially if she was forming a growing connection with Roger. She would potentially feel a similar way with him to how she did when she was around her father.

But she wouldn't want it to be exactly the same obviously, as that was never a favorable situation for her in the end.

So in turn she would want to help Roger in a similar way to how he helped her.

If she was able to become happier and move past the barriers that are holding her back she could begin to turn her focus to helping Roger with his own shortcomings.

Perhaps he is able to speak his mind easier, or is able to get over his overcompensation with his gun as a replacement for courage.

There's a lot of different ways this could all go and I won't get into all that now, but that speculation is a big factor as to why I like the potential of them getting together.

Notably in the way things are worded in the lil snippet summary we had from the emo orel arc, Blobs apparently tries to cheer Orel up which I think is very interesting wording and I have to wonder if this would've been during this affair arc for her.

But yeah this cut plot thread has me in a chokehold and I think it's really interesting.

At the end of the day it's all speculation but that's part of the fun of it!

[heliads]

i've got my money on things going badly

Lance Stroll should be delighted to watch his sister get married, but the only heart he's thinking about is his own. The one Fernando Alonso broke.

masterlist

To Lance, weddings are a kind of performance art. He’s gotten somewhat good at them ever since he was younger, when the Strolls were invited to everything. His father would get caught up in knots of expensive men wearing expensive suits, lost in business talks for hours, but Lance could slip away the second someone blinked, go find his sister disguised in a coat closet somewhere and talk about Pokémon or cable TV or something little kids like best. 

Now his sister is the one getting married, and, enfolded into someone else’s party of groomsmen, Lance has absolutely no chance of hiding, excessively large coat closets of the elite be damned. He likes Scotty, really he does, even went to the trouble of presenting him to Chloe as a potential husband in the first place, but ceremonies are always long and Lance, as per usual, is tired of it.

He should be good. He should like this. Weddings are wonderful ceremonies. You can appreciate them for the expensive decorations and myriad artistic decisions that go into them, if not the fact that they’re basically just one extended celebration dedicated to the love of your close friends and family. 

Lance is here for his sister and her future happiness with her recently declared husband. This should be an excellent day, and it has been, along with the rest of the wedding festivities that have been going on for ages, but now that the sun has set and he’s still here, starch-stiff in his dress suit, wishing he could go but knowing he can’t.

It’s not even the wedding’s fault, really, it’s just that Lance can’t stand spending so long thinking about the bliss of someone else’s love when he’s just lost one of his own. His sister is twirling in a white dress, a woman who hasn’t stopped smiling in hours, and Lance is standing in the shadows of this rosy glory with just one name on his mind.

Fernando Alonso.

It’s foolish, what this has done to him. Lance waved goodbye to Seb last year and told himself that he could look forward to another good relationship with another world championship teammate. Fernando would be challenging but rewarding as another Aston Martin driver, or so the motorsport gossip pages had told him.

What no one counted on was just how Fernando would make Lance feel. Not even Lance can do a good job of that, not really. There are no words in English or Spanish or even half-and-half lighthearted Spanglish that can sum up how Lance’s ribs ache like they’ve been bruised from sentences alone. 

He had not meant to love Fernando; hell, he wasn’t even sure he did until the abrupt ending, but now Lance is choking on the words he never got to say and wondering how he’s meant to pick up the pieces of a heart that was only ever Fernando’s to break. Lance was supposed to stay professional, and he didn’t, and now he’s the one suffering for it. So it goes.

It didn’t take much, actually. Four months to fall. One month to break. Now he’s standing alone in the corner of his sister’s wedding, hoping for an escape that doesn’t seem willing to come his way. He’d been stupid, thought he could take too much, but is that really his fault for trying? All his life, he’s been told that he could be anything, do anything, have anything, and now he’s found that limit and it hurts like hell.

It’s not like anyone told him that the meter on Stroll luck and expectation would fall short when it came to one Spanish two time world championship winner. Well, that’s not true. Esteban had tried. Lance had not listened. He cannot even say for sure that he should have, because Lance had been very happy up until the point when he wasn’t.

It almost makes sense that the whole affair was conducted over such a short period of time. Lance is impatient, he likes doing things fast. It’s why he was able to become a Formula One driver. It’s why he set his sights on the man most likely to break his heart and cut the brakes before either of them could back out of it.

And it was just. Fuck. Hands on shoulders on the backs of necks on waists. How Fernando kept whispering in his ear, so close he could feel the other man’s breath hot on his neck, even though/just because it made Lance h— they were on camera the whole time. It didn’t matter. They wanted what they wanted and they got it, too. 

Or, Lance had thought they had got what they wanted, and then he had dared to ask for a label for the unspoken thing he was sure both of them felt, and everything was lost for good. It was the end of the Miami race weekend, and Fernando was drunk on the glory of another podium, happy enough that Lance felt certain that he could have the conversation he wanted without it going sour.

They had been hanging around one of their driver’s rooms– which one, Lance can never tell, they kept swapping door to door until even the labeled placards felt like a joke of hospitality’s courtesy. Sprawled out on a couch, so close that Lance couldn’t stop staring at how their legs kept touching whenever he breathed too hard, he’d felt absolutely crazy with the knowledge that this was his.

Too much of a good thing can make you foolish, convince you that things will be that good forever. Lance had laughed to himself, then turned to Fernando with a grin. “We’ll still be like this next season, right?”

Fernando had given him this look as if he were being intentionally difficult. “Yes, Lance. My contract will not expire for another season. I will be on the grid.”

Lance had shaken his head. “No, duh, I mean like, hanging out like we are now. You know, like us.” 

Lance doubts he could have packed more meaning into that one syllable if he tried. He’s heard Fernando refer to the unbreakable us before too many times to count, like when they’re coming back from a bar late and Fernando, eyes dark and heavy, promised him they’d have fun like that again, just us. Or, scoffing at the other driver lineups– they’re not us, you know. They don’t get along as well. One hand on Lance’s shoulder, fingers digging into muscle, the others could never get along as well.

Fernando had cocked his head to the side, curious. “What do you mean? We’re teammates.”

Lance had rolled his eyes. “Yeah, obviously, but like, there’s more. You know that.”

The space between them went silent. He should have taken that as his first warning sign if nothing else. Fernando had cleared his throat carefully and said, “What else would there be?”

Lance can still imagine the cold feeling that had descended upon him, spreading from the back of his throat like ink. What else would there be? It was impossible that he could have misread every single signal, every touch, every unspoken word. Unless, of course, the hidden meaning he dedicated so much time to channeling had never been there at all.

Lance had waved his hand vaguely. “But we were– you know, we did. Things.”

Fernando’s expression was impossible to read. “Did we?”

It was condescending and pitying and Lance hated it, all of it. He felt like a boy again, small enough to watch his voice disappear into the stillness of an uncaring room. He’d shot up from the couch, pushing out the door and away before anything else could happen. If anything had happened at all, or if it would, that is. Apparently, Lance has made a habit of picturing things that didn’t fucking exist.

Now he’s left spiraling like he survived a bad breakup, but you can’t have a breakup if there was never so much as a spark in the first place. It’s impossible that Fernando could have missed it all. Impossible, that Lance could have simply invented it. He knows what he felt, he knows what Fernando did, but none of it was worthy of a single word of acknowledgement from the other half of two seemingly perfect parts.

He wants to scream and throw up and put his phone down for longer than ten minutes at a time. There are many, many things that Lance had wanted to tell Fernando, and it’s only now starting to occur to him that he’ll never get the chance. I wanted to transform. For you. I wanted to be good. You made me want to be better. 

It’s foolish for him to be thinking of things like this. Lance is a young man. He’s got time for his heart to grow up and even out. Maybe in a decade or less, he’ll meet some perfectly nice young woman, someone his father would approve of, someone with country club connections that won’t rival his own (who can) but could at least keep up with the game. They’d have a manicured front lawn and two docile children, including a son to keep up the Stroll legacy. It would be normal, it would not break his heart like this. It would be very dependable.

Lance doesn’t want dependable, though, he knows it as he thinks it. He wants wild, unpredictable, insane things like falling in love with your teammate and letting him convince you that he’d settle down for you. Lance wants to be the reason someone so used to choosing themselves chooses you instead. He wants Fernando, and he wants no one else.

This is a difficult thing to think about at a wedding. Across the crowded event hall, he can see his sister, happy and secure in the knowledge that her husband is hers, legally and emotionally. There are scores of couples smiling up at each other, content that their love is theirs and no one else’s. 

Lance stands alone, tapping his foot to the beat so he doesn’t look like a complete loser. Every time someone looks over at him, he wants to shout that he’s fine, actually, this is fine, he doesn’t need someone the way that everyone else seems to, but they glance away again before he can properly vocalize this.

The DJ spins another song, the beat drops and the dance floor shakes appropriately from a hundred stomping feet, and just when Lance is certain that he wants to give up and really tries in earnest to look for somewhere to go, the crowd parts and Lance sees him.

Fernando. Here. Impossible. Yet that’s still a glint of hickory eyes he’d know anywhere, even distorted by swimming shades of party lights. Lance feels physically immobile as the man who cannot possibly be his teammate skirts couples and friend groups, and then they’re standing in front of each other and even though this cannot be, it is, and this is the first time Lance has seen him since the argument.

Lance stares at Fernando, jaw dropped comically. He has the harebrained thought that he’s glad the only camera nearby is the one in the hands of Chloe’s Vogue-ordered photographer; if this was the paddock, he’d probably end up as yet another stupid reaction image, giffed into oblivion until not even Lance can recognize his face when he sees it again.

If this was the paddock, seeing Fernando wouldn’t be such a surprise. If this was the paddock, Lance would not feel the absurd urge to run, because Fernando would already be gone, separated by an impenetrable wall of PR officers and personal trainers and anyone else he could shove in between the two of them.

Instead, they’re in one of the rare quiet patches in the wedding reception hall, and Lance is watching Fernando watch him, and slowly, deliberately, Lance forces his mouth to shut enough to ask, “How did you get in here?”

Fernando chuckles, teeth flashing in the uneven lighting of the dark hall. Lance has taken to ranking his teammate’s grins on a sliding scale from closed lips to a shark’s predatory display. This one is somewhere in the middle, hovering between quiet and pleased. Maybe even real. 

“I bribed Daniel to get me past the door,” he says.

Lance casts an outraged look across the dancefloor until he catches the Australian attempting to foxtrot with Scotty. They should both be at least passable at it, but both men keep trying to lead, then follow, then lead again, endless cycles of not-quite-right. 

Daniel somehow feels Lance looking– twitchy, isn’t he, has been all day– catches sight of Fernando standing in front of him, and grins apologetically. Bastard. If Lance gets him for grid Secret Santa, if Daniel manages to make it back onto the grid before December, he’ll have to actually try this time. Lance might owe him big for this.

The DJ starts a new number, cueing flashing lights that cascade from the blinding storm on the dance floor to faint rays out here where the two of them linger in the shadows, occasional flashlight beams sent out to catch them.

Lance swallows hard, watches the LEDs dye Fernando’s hair with undertones of Renault yellow, Ferrari red, Aston Martin green. If he were in the mood to be honest, Lance would admit that he’s been looking at Fernando for a while, actually. Not just since Fernando joined his team, before that, too. Long before they were teammates, when Lance first started racing in Formula One and he was eighteen and Fernando was thirty-five, a fact that makes him shiver down to his toes every time he thinks of it, which is– more often than it should be, for certain.

Now that the issue has been solved of how Fernando managed to get past the security guards Chloe swore were unnecessary and Lawrence swore he wouldn’t hire, plus the overeager wedding planners and racing fans stuck outside the gates with iPhone cameras, Lance pivots to a new question, one far more important.

“Why are you here?” Lance asks cautiously. 

He knows what he wants to hear, of course, but he can’t let himself get his hopes up just for them to be dashed yet again. This is not his wedding, of course. Fernando could be here to corner some Aston Martin engineers or strategists if they won’t return his midnight calls. He could even be here for Danny, which would explain why the Australian went to the trouble of letting him in, and he’s just stopping by Lance because he got caught while trying to get drinks. 

That thought makes Lance’s stomach twist in angry knots, and he’s only calmed from saying or doing something rash by Fernando’s following words, quiet in the dark but full of a lasting power.

“For you, Lance,” he says, “I came for you.”

God. Lance has spent the whole day witnessing lavish displays of affection, but for some reason it is seven simple words that makes him come undone. He stands there, stock still, and Fernando asks hesitantly, “Is that okay?”

It reminds Lance of how it had been before everything went south, when they were both dancing around a truth both ugly and glorious, that teammates do not stare like they did, that coworkers should not use getting drunk at an Aston Martin post-race celebration party as an excuse to keep their hands on each other, that Fernando didn’t keep interrupting Lance’s interviews to place his hands on Lance’s shoulders and whisper in his ear that he was Fernando’s hero just to get Lance to react like he always did. Not something he was supposed to do on camera, but neither of them could stop.

It is like the very beginning. Fernando, infiltrating Lance’s garage to lean down over the edge of the halo of Lance’s test drive and grip his gloved hands. How’s the car? Fernando, stopping by Lance’s driver’s room to hug him around the shoulders, cold and damp from the champagne that was still soaked through his race suit. I saw you out there. It was good, no? We are good? Fernando, with his hand on Lance’s leg when they’re supposed to be paying attention in a dry and stilted meeting with no one’s eyes on them for once. Can I? Is it alright? 

Lance never said no. Even when his breath caught in his throat. Even when he knew he was just sinking further into a pit he would never be able to escape. The falling was the best part, anyway.

“Fine,” he says at last, “Dance with me, then. If you want to talk, we dance. I’m sick of being a wallflower anyway.”

He raises an eyebrow impetuously, daring Fernando to make the next move. If Fernando’s actually serious about being here for Lance, he won’t mind this. He won’t mind the chance that someone could see them together and start to speculate. If Lance is anything other than a backroom missed connection, they should be able to dance without worrying.

Fernando nods once, accepting his challenge. He places one hand on Lance’s waist, the other on his waiting hand. His grip is strong, but not agonizing. Just a reminder that Lance will not be able to leave easily, not unless Fernando is satisfied that the situation has been handled as he planned.

Here, locked in the vise of another man’s arms, Lance thinks about how deeply he’s let himself get enthralled in Fernando’s way of doing things. He likes pretending that he’s the one in control, that Fernando is here to win him over, but the second Fernando’s hands are on him, Lance cedes that last bit of power over to him. Fernando does it easily, like a habit. It probably is.

Esteban warned him about this, after all, how easy it is to get sucked in. Lance, however, does not mind Fernando’s trap in the slightest. The rabbit must learn to love the snare. The bird likes its cage when the gilded bars keep it safe. 

“I was thinking,” Fernando begins.

“Always a good start,” Lance quips.

The hand on Lance’s waist tightens momentarily, a warning. Lance kind of wants to mouth off some more to see what the resulting action would be.

“I was thinking,” Fernando repeats, “that I may have gotten something wrong. I did not want to rush you, Lance. We have a lot of time. Being hasty can cost you.”

Unwillingly, Lance’s mind flashes to driver’s meetings, planning sessions with his engineer. Being a driver is knowing the difference between when to push and when to plan. Fernando  may have spent a lot of time guarding his pace, but Lance gets the feeling he’s finally ready to go for the trophy, the fastest lap. To sprint and never look back.

“I don’t want you as just a teammate,” Fernando continues. “I had not realized you thought we were past that. It would have sped things along, I think, if I had.”

“I thought we had plenty of time,” Lance comments.

“We do,” Fernando says smoothly. “But that does not mean I want to push this off any more if I don’t have to.”

“This?” Lance asks, feeling like he’s parodying that fateful conversation from so long ago, “And what’s this?”

Fernando meets his gaze coolly, calmly, and then he smiles and changes everything. Night brown eyes go caramel. “We have something better than anyone else, Lance. I do not want to lose it.”

There’s a sharp, triumphant streak in those words. Fernando Alonso has always been on a different level from everyone else. Hearing that he considers Lance on that distinct pedestal as well– it makes Lance lean into his touch a little more, and the last of his guard drops away.

“Why’d you tell me differently earlier, then?” He can’t help but ask. “You could have said you wanted me then.”

Fernando sighs, looks away. “I didn’t know I wanted it then. I didn’t count on how it would feel to lose you. I know now. I don’t want to feel it again.”

Across the room, they’re starting to cheer and shout from the center of the dance floor. It takes Lance a few moments to realize that the applause isn’t for the two of them but for the newlyweds, Chloe and Scotty, who are leading the group in an exuberant rendition of I Wanna Dance with Somebody. Lance thinks that it wouldn’t be entirely unfounded for the cheering to be for him, though. He feels like celebrating now.

And, when he looks back, Fernando’s lips are on his. Lance stumbles a little, and Fernando’s hand slides up his spine to catch him before he loses balance. It’s easy. It’s victorious. Lance never wants to let him go.

Fernando’s breath is hot against his throat, sending Lance into a feverish spiral. “I’ll see you in Monaco,” he whispers, and then he’s pulling away.

Lance watches him leave, but for once, it’s not a sad feeling. Instead, the emotion currently crashing through Lance’s bones is more one of anticipation. This is not the end, just the beginning. Fernando turns once, smiling at him before disappearing in a crush of people. Lance’s chest feels cold where Fernando’s hands had once been, but his heart’s racing enough to make up for the lost heat.

A voice by his shoulder; his sister, who has somehow fought her way through the crowd of well-wishers to find him. “Was that your teammate?” She asks, frowning.

Lance gazes softly at the place that had once been his. “Yeah, it was.”

Chloe tilts her head to the side with a frown, considering this. “Is something going on there?”

“Yes,” Lance answers her. Chloe looks like she wants far more of a response than just that, but Lance just laughs and helps her back to the dance floor. He will have plenty more days to explain it to her. After all, Fernando was right. They do have plenty of time.

f1 tag list: @j-brielmalfoy, @juphey

all tags list: @wordsarelife

[sandrayofsun]

I may be Team Top??

As promised in my last post, I'm making a diary entry for TopMew!

I'll start by saying that I have not been a fan of this couple throughout the show, but I did like their characters separately. Something that I felt a lot throughout the series was the lack of chemistry and awkwardness surrounding TopMew. Mind you, I've watched "A Boss and a Babe," I KNOW ForceBook has chemistry.

In saying that, episode 8 has officially changed my mind on the TopMew train hehe.

Specifically this scene

Mew's revenge era is honestly what made me like him the most... Unpopular opinion maybe, but I found it really relatable that he is doing things he normally doesn't do and becoming someone different. Top did a really shitty thing to him. Despite him being "perfect," being a virgin, having good grades, and being respectful, Top still cheated on him. It opened his eyes to the fact that no matter how "good" he is, people are still capable of doing shitty things to him.

So why not do all the things you've never done in the name of being hurt. No matter who he is, people can hurt him no matter what, might as well go out with a bang.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The bathroom scene was interesting because it's the first "civil" conversation they've had since the whole fight blew out. and Top is now seeing the effects of his affair with Boston reflecting on Mew. Even with Mew rubbing Ray in Top's face, he still is only worried about Mew and what is happening to him.

It's honestly slightly refreshing that Top isn't taking the jealousy approach because he knows that at the moment he's lost that right. He can't blame Mew for running to Ray because Top set him on that path.

Top was presented to us as a selfish character, one who is used to getting what he wants, and not having much to work for (a little bit like Boston). Him going to Cheum and voicing his concerns for Mew, even taking a little bit of heat from Cheum (you go girl), shows character development on Top's part, and honestly gives me a little bit of hope for their end game.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I want to touch on Mew for a sec, and his "relationship" with Ray.

I think it is so intentional the way that they have framed this phrase for Mew and Ray. How Ray is someone that Mew "should" love, but obviously doesn't, because Mew loves Top and knows deep down that Ray will never fulfill that role in his life (the same way Mew can't fulfill that role in Ray's). Even hesitating to kiss him when they are alone is evidence enough that Mew is pretending.

Curving Ray's kiss and saying they should go and have fun is ultimate "get me out of here" behavior. Mew doesn't want Ray. Simple as that.

I also need to call out the fact that the next time we see RayMew kiss is because Mew is trying to prove a point to Top. Only then does he use Ray to make him jealous, but isn't actually willing to do it in private.

Top's face during this whole scene made me sad tbh. I really felt for him, he was manipulated by Boston and thrown under the bus by Nick. Overall, he did a shitty thing, but that doesn't mean he didn't love Mew or want to be a better person for him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This scene called to action the fact that Mew is still jealous over Top. Calling him and Boston out for sitting next to each other and telling them they're free to hook up again was funny but also important to TopMew's relationship.

Top still being there for Mew, helping him when he was throwing up and then sitting next to each other on the floor gave me MAJOR SandRay Episode 1 parallels. But also look at Mew :(

He's asking Top why he has to be an asshole because he still loves him. He is in love with an asshole :((((( and I'd like to point out that this scene was the MOST chemistry that I have seen from these two thus far.

Both of them are hurt, and are hurting for the other. I think deep down, Mew wants to make amends, but also he needs to do this for himself. He needs to spiral a little bit to realize where he is headed. he needs to make Top hurt a little (as sad as that may be).

Top on the other hand is hurt because he did this. He caught feelings, and then messed up the person he loves. He doesn't know how to fix what he broke, but also knows that they are meant to be.

This is what really changed my mind on them. Before it felt like both of them had masks, and didn't really see each other, but now they're both at low points, and seeing each other for the first time. But still loving each other from afar despite the turmoil they're going through.

Top taking care of Mew after everything at the end of the night was so heartwarming. A man who probably has never been one to take care of others, spending what little time with Mew he can get.

I'm really looking forward to seeing where these two go, and huge props to ForceBook for the amazing acting job they're doing!

See you guys next week!!

[kandisheek]

FIC REC WEEK 9 – AUs

Cold Space, Warm Welcome by Annie D (scaramouche)

Pairing: Steve/Tony Rating: T Words: 15,572 Tags: Sci-Fi, Misunderstandings, Pining Steve

Summary: Tony’s spent a couple of years flying around the galaxy in his best friend Rhodey’s spaceship the Iron Advance, doing what could perhaps be counted as ‘hero’ work. Among their allies is Steve Rogers, captain of his own crew, with whom Tony has a… potentially friendly relationship. When Steve’s ship is irreparably damaged, Rhodey takes him and his whole crew onto the Iron Advance to recover. Tony’s not at all nervous about this, because so what if this is the first time Steve will see him without the Iron Man armor?

Reasons why I love it: Steve is so whipped for Tony, oh my god. I adore their dynamic here, and it's so much fun to see all of Steve's fumbling attempts to make his interest known from Tony's point of view, who is utterly oblivious. And the setting itself is fantastic, it really paints a picture of what their lives in space are like. I love this fic to bits, and I bet you will too!

The Scars of Your Love by blue_jack

Pairing: Steve/Tony Rating: M Words: 5,462 Tags: Scars, Angst with a Happy Ending, Breaking Up and Making Up

Summary: On the day Peggy moved out, Steve stood naked in front of the mirror and looked at all the ragged lines running over his body. He felt like someone had taken a knife to him, slicing every inch open, and he didn’t understand how there wasn’t any blood. He traced one particularly thick scar on his stomach, gritting his teeth against the pain, the memory of the first time he’d brought Peggy over to meet his family and all the teasing that had accompanied it burning through his mind. He couldn’t imagine her marks ever disappearing, and in that moment, he didn’t want them to, didn’t want to ever expose himself to that much hurt again. Once in a lifetime was enough.

Reasons why I love it: Having heartbreak leave actual, physical scars on your body is such a kickass concept. Emotional pain is so real it often feels like it should leave scars, and Steve sure hasn't been spared during his lifetime. I really like how the whole later conflict with Tony is set up because of Steve's relationship with Peggy. It feels very true to Steve's character that he acts the way he does. And oh my god, poor Tony. I love this one, please go and check it out!

Missing and Ravished by SailorChibi

Pairing: Steve/Tony Rating: E Words: 8,760 Tags: Serial Killer Steve, Officer Tony, Gore

Summary: Officer Tony Stark really did not mean to fall in love with a serial killer.

Reasons why I love it: This might sound weird, but if canon Steve ever became a serial killer, I imagine that it would be exactly like this. I love the whole premise of the fic, of Tony being torn between his duty, his morales and his emotions, and the moment it all comes crashing down is immensely satisfying. I love everything about this fic, so I hope you give it a shot!

Steve Rogers' Life Is Not A Romance Movie (He Wouldn't Get The References, Anyway) by someonelsesheart

Pairing: Steve/Tony, Pepper/Natasha Rating: T Words: 7,909 Tags: High School AU, Humor, Enemies to Lovers

Summary: Steve hasn't always had this ridiculous crush on Tony Stark. (Or, the one where Steve is his polite old self and doesn't really hate Tony Stark (unfortunately), Tony is a child progidy and apparently a cab driver now, too, and high school is still high school, even when you are the son of a billionaire.)

Reasons why I love it: Steve the spitfire makes an appearance! They're both such dorks in this, and the way they stand up for each other in front of bullies legitimately makes my heart melt. Also, Pepper and Natasha are queens, and I adore them with my whole heart. Definitely check this one out, it's adorable!

Stellar Love Affairs by AvengersNewB, BladeoftheNebula

Pairing: Steve/Tony Rating: E Words: 5,407 Tags: A/B/O (Omega Tony, Alpha Steve), Mating Cycles, Space AU

Summary: Captain Steve Rogers gets assigned to command the starship Avenger. Everything is going as expected until he sets eyes on Tony Stark, who happens to be the first omega Steve's ever met.

Reasons why I love it: A Star Trek fusion, A/B/O, fuck or die fic written by two of my favorite people in this fandom? It's like this fic was written for me! I love everything about it, from the worldbuilding to the smut to them getting their heads out of their asses and finally communicating. It's fantastic, and I highly recommend you check it out for yourself!

[not-goldy]

My heart hurts to hear about your ex. I too gave to the point of feeling depleted, used and empty . I was always the sibling that organized family dinners for family birthdays, special holidays and celebrations. I organized the gifts, using my money to float my brothers & sisters, left often with one of them not paying me back. No big deal I’d think to myself, the important thing was my loved one was happy.

My ex husband was lazy in our relationship, leaving me to organize & buy & ship Christmas gifts to his family out of town, do all the Christmas shopping and wrapping, baking, cooking while raising two kids & working full time in a high stress management position.

I fulfilled every role possible while working full time: wife, mother, maid, nurse, accountant, party planner, yard keeper, cook, therapist and was even scheduling my husband’s haircuts & dental appointments. He was “too busy” and his complaining was so irritating I would simply do it myself.

It was the loss of my health & therapy for my anxiety and depression that I discovered why I was the giver in the relationship, the hand to hold & the one to count on.

I discovered it had to do with my upbringing. My bio brother was angry and resentful after my parents divorce so if I wanted things done, I did it myself. He’d sign his name to the card for the gift I’d purchase & I’d clean the house & do the cooking for birthdays. My single mother would be too exhausted after working 50+ hours a week to support us after my father left when I was 6, my brother 9.

After my monumental effort I was praised, complimented on my thoughtfulness. This feeling of appreciation became addictive and honestly the only time my mother would pay any attention to me. She suffered from depression, low self esteem stemming from my father’s affairs. He ended up getting a single mother with two young sons pregnant and she stuck her claws in, refusing to let go.

After years of my father not coming home at nights he left one day for good. At age 10. I received a phone call from my father I had a sister. I didn’t even know she was pregnant, his visits to see my brother and I were so infrequent we hardly got passed the 20 questions about our school work and were regularly reprimanded for not helping our mother out enough. My mother liked her role as the victim so us kids often filled the role of therapist, best friend and cheerleader when she got really low. The list of chores seemed endless, often cutting into time we should have spent on homework, leaving us to finish late into the evenings or getting up 2 hours early before school. It wasn’t a perfect life but I was happy.

I continued my role of giver, never receiver in my friendships and early relationships. It was who I was, or so I thought.

After years of living in a loveless marriage we divorced, the Catholic Church be damned and I found myself on my own for the first time in many years. I had no interests, no hobbies, no passion. With two grown children with spouses of their own our group dinners moved to restaurants. I couldn’t over extend myself with family dinners, special celebrations with their busy schedules. Out of loneliness I adopted a dog. This eventually led me to volunteering for search and rescue with my canine companion & opened up a whole world of scentwork & tracking.

I became fast friends with one of the instructors and our relationship quickly progressed.

She’s incredibly talented, smart and a take no bullshit, potty mouthed, ball busting bitch. I’d die for her, I love her that much. When I get caught into my family’s drama or they pull their manipulative crap about staying at our place for a vacation, she’s there to help reel me in from over extending myself. It doesn’t happen often, I’m usually fine with setting my boundaries but the occasional weak moment slips through.

I’m still that ride or die friend, considerate and helpful sibling, daughter. I contribute to a point, never more, never less than my siblings. It was a bumpy transition, I won’t lie. My first relationship after my divorce left me resentful and bitter but it was an excellent lesson. People will take as much as you have to offer. They aren’t bad people, simply used to being receivers, telling themselves I am happy when they’re happy, which is true but only to a point. Then come to rely on us, count on us because let’s face it, we’re pretty fucking incredible.

I needed to learn to give less, limiting my time & energy to doing something fulfilling for myself. It happens to be volunteering, which one can argue that I haven’t grown, just simply giving in another way. The difference? This brings me satisfaction & happiness. I’ve improved my searching & tracking skills with my dog which boosts self esteem. The rewards are huge, a child or elderly person with dementia is found. I can rest in the knowledge that my time & energy were well spent. These people needed our team, deserved our help.

I’m not saying this is what your situation is. I am sharing my experiences in case you recognize yourself in some part. My suggestion to anyone who’s the giver in a relationship is to begin giving to yourself. Discover something new about yourself, treat yourself as you have others. Invest some time and energy in making yourself happy. We will always be givers, it’s who we are whether nature or nurture, we’re pretty much who we’re always going to be. Hopefully you’ll find something that reciprocates your energy, whether it be a person or hobby. You deserve to be happy & loved.

With appreciation for your blog & your honesty,

Carolyn

The burn out is real!!!

Thanks for sharing Carolyn.

I've been on here for quite a while and only know a handful of people by name. It's why I used to tag my posts with my name as a reminder to myself and others I'm a person. I am touched Carolyn. I used to read a lot of your messages and laugh my heart out and at a point I was always looking forward to your post till my dms became overwhelming. It felt as if everyone wanted my attention and as you mentioned I'm just drained and exhausted burnt out from giving to others even if it's something as inconsequential as my attention.

That's when I noticed things were that bad between us. I loved her so much and experienced so much anxiety when we had our last fight. Our moots tried to reconcile us and I was so looking forward to rekindling the relationship but I just couldn't bring myself to go in for more neglect stonewalling closed off communication constantly downplaying the impact of her actions on the relationship, playing the victim never apologizing first when they was wrong reducing every argument into whose right or wrong never being as thoughtful making me feeling lonely emotionally exhausted mentally traumatized and drained dealing with her baggage - so your story resonates.

I miss her and wanted her back but I just can't do this anymore not when I feel like myself again without her. It's quiet and peaceful and my brain doesn't feel like someone is pointing a sun death ray at it 247.

And I don't know why our moots keep sending my posts to her. She called and texted and said she was sorry she didn't know I felt that way at all.

I'm losing my mind over here. I think she just has to face the fact she is not the good person she thinks she is.

Your story with your ex husband sounds similar to hers though..... Or may be I just have a type🥲

She was a divorcee with kids. Had a really toxic ex husband and as you mentioned she just had too much to deal with with her ex husband. I knew her before the divorce and though at the time she made me feel and think I was the one pursuing her, in hindsight I think she played me. constantly calling and crying and sharing her challenges in her marriage calling me over because she couldn't stand being alone in the house with her husband- come to think of it she should have called the police like what was I going to do? Yet like a fool I went anyway. I was even babysitting cooking for the kids picking them from school picking clothes for them- they was our kids😭😹

I admired her strength and her resilience and saw her as a mentor of a sort because she had it all from my POV.

Before her divorce she would always use her kids and her husband conveniently as the reason she couldn't give much to me and yet conveniently set them aside if she wanted something from me. She only cared about them when I wanted something from her and gave zero fucks about them when she wanted something from me. That should have been my first red sign.

For instance, when I was sick and wanted her to come visit or wanted to go visit she would say oh my husband is gonna be around or the kids need x or y and i gotta respect my family home so I can't be there for you right now.

Yet sis was fucking me in her husband's bed while the kids was downstairs and what not whenever SHE wanted some smeshy time😵‍💫

Saw her through her divorce tried to be her pillar and support so her world wouldn't fall apart, constantly encouraging her to go for the things she felt too intimidated to try changed jobs for her moved to a new city for her constantly putting her needs first and playing dumb and stupid killed my ego and pride so she could hold on to hers but when she couldn't even bring herself to say sorry to me when she hurt me that's when I knew. Sorry is care and love and she couldn't even do that for me.

Took me too long to realize the pattern but I'm glad I'm free of her- hope they send this too to her😚

Barbara, Carolyn, Gina- I never forget names. Thanks for that very human touch it made this all the more meaningful.

[crownmemes]

House Sentences, Vol. 8

(Sentences from House (2004-2012). Adjust phrasing where needed)

"How come every time you compliment me, it sounds like an accusation?"

"Why don't you stop pretending that you haven't reached a conclusion?"

"You don’t trust me. Actually, it’s more fundamental than that. You don’t like me."

"I know this doesn’t come naturally to you, but you want my help, which means you need to trust me."

"Why do you think that people would treat you worse if they knew the truth?"

"Why did you kiss me?"

"Why do you value your failures more than your successes?"

"Doesn't this seem a little bit obsessive?"

"Only psychopaths can kill other people without having some sort of breakdown."

"Don't ask me questions you don't want to know the answer to."

"People don't get what they deserve, they just get what they get. There's nothing any of us can do about it."

"Whether you want to be in charge or not, you are and you always will be."

"I've crossed a line, and I’m having trouble getting back to the other side."

"I could help. Whatever this is, it's eating away at you. We could get past it together."

"I love you no matter what."

"It's been a while since I had a stimulating conversation."

"You don't have to be so gentle about everything."

"It's okay to get angry once in a while."

"She hurt my friend. She should be punished."

"A problem delayed is a problem denied."

"What do you call each other? Husband? Partner? Lover?"

"I can't decide if this plan is more despicable or illogical!"

"You're pretending you had an affair with my wife?"

"In the great game of chess that is our relationship, you see only one move ahead. I see dozens. That is why you will never mate me... That's a chess term."

"You can understand love and pain and empathy, but you can't feel them at all. You're a psychopath."

"I'm not so different from anybody else. Everyone I've ever known, they're all out for themselves. The difference is, I can admit it to myself."

"When you watch Star Wars, which side do you root for?"

"Your motives always run deeper than simple fun."

"You are a diabolical, yet benevolent, puppet master."

"You are one tough gal."

"You can portray me as a rich bastard in the press all you want, just as long as I stay rich."

"You really think you can lie your way out of this?"

"Turns out criminals are idiots. If they're not gonna bother to challenge you, what's the point?"

"You have some natural talent as a liar, but not enough brains to see it through."

"How good looking am I?"

"That was pretty cool what I did, right? You want to make out?"

"You better not be faking this just to get out of a tough conversation."

"I'm your best friend, and half the time, I don't understand you!"

"You're alone. You've been alone your whole life."

"How do you convince someone that you're not cheating on them?"

"Are you having an affair?"

"You can't keep letting other people define you!"

"Do you understand what bisexual means? It doesn't mean you have sex with two people at once."

[yaemilko]

🪷 [bonus] a little insight into ayato's character

-> ayato doesn't know about childe and lumine. it happened while he was away and they never mentioned it again, he knows that childe dated someone but hasn't made the connection.

-> ayato thinks y/n is completely over him for various reasons – back in chapter 9 she did say they were just friends, while he had the impression they could still be something more. he became sure of it once everything between scara and y/n happened.

-> he liked lumine – as a friend, that is. they got along really well and were cool with each other. at one point he started wondering if it could be something more but dismissed the idea at first. then he started confusing his jealousy towards y/n and scaramouche with his feelings for lumine, that's why he blurted out that he does like her in chapter 20.

-> he really wanted to be at least friends with y/n as they were back while he was away after their break-up. he was really hurt and disappointed when he saw y/n and scara in chapter 23. after that, he wanted her to feel at least one bit of what he felt then, as he thought she didn't care. kaeya was partly right in what he said about ayato's reasoning in chapter 29.

-> ayato thinks y/n and scaramouche are together or at least fwb.

-> in chapter 31, when y/n dared him to kiss lumine, he thought she was giving him the green light. the look of hurt that flashed briefly on his face was him realizing that it's the end and there really is no hope left. he gave up then. the smirk he pulled out right away was his go to poker face, he couldn't let anyone notice what he was feeling. in the middle of it all, he really just hoped y/n would say anything or show any sign of her being bothered by the whole situation.

-> lumine is his rebound. he's very confused with his feeling and admits he confessed to her on a whim and just went along with it. the "dates" they went on were platonic on his side - he really just tried to figure everything out. in the beginning he also hoped he'd see y/n more if he got closer to her roommate.

-> he's obviously very bad with communicating his real feelings, the only person he can be somewhat honest with is thoma. he loves all his friends very much but just doesn't want to bother them with trivial things. ayaka loves her brother dearly but doesn't dare meddle with his affairs unless he crosses a certain line and she snaps.

-> the reason why he came back is because he missed his friends and sister, and never got over his relationship with y/n. he didn't date anyone after they broke up either.

-> y/n and ayato remained friends after their break-up, they would occasionally text each other and talk about their days etc. y/n would tell him about some cute boy she saw on campus and he would tell her about girls his mom tried to set him up with, nothing ever really happened and they didn't give themselves the right to be jealous whatever the case was. that's part of the reason why he told her about lumine, the other part i mentioned before - he hoped she would be jealous, hurt or something.

-> when y/n and scaramouche hooked up ayato started thinking that all this time he was just a rebound to her. one part of him knew she wouldn't do that but the other was convincing him that the reason she had no reaction to him and lumine, and the way she could stay friends with him after the break-up was because of it.

-> after they broke up he checked up on her through ayaka, tho y/n never found out about that.

–> what y/n felt in chapter 31 he felt in chapter 23, but since the story is from y/n's pov we never really got to see his inner thought process and feelings. he went after her because he was really worried considering the amount of alcohol she consumed that night, and even though he was talking to lumine he payed attention to y/n the entire night. he always did.

–> all in all, he basically did suffer all throughout the smau we just didn't get the chance to see it from his pov.

-> him and lumine never really talked about y/n. while lumine knows deep down that y/n still cares about him (but choose to ignore it), she never had the guts to ask ayato how he felt, and he didn't start that conversation either.

–> (kinda) spoiler! future ayato will want to smack present ayato as much as all of us do ;)

-> (kinda) spoiler 2! as he cares about his friends a lot, he's gonna feel really bad when he finds out about childe and lumine. he also really regrets wanting to hurt y/n.

ONCE MORE 🪷 previous · masterlist · next

ayato x reader social media au

SYNOPSIS what happens when your ex comes back from abroad and you realize you still like him, but as destiny likes to play with us all it just so happens that he starts getting closer with your roommate? what will you do?

a/n – a lot of people have asked me for an ayato pov since the smau started, and i figured i should finally do it since we're nearing the end. this is not his redemption arc! he did some shitty things and is continuing to do them in present time in the smau, i just thought he deserved to have his side of the story heard (after i've had my fun looking at you all hating on him for months 😋). with that said, the fact is that this entire mess would've never existed if both y/n and ayato just communicated properly.

📌@lazy-sanns @mayasshitposts @akebcshi @myday6-studies @kittycasie @crisdamoon @nekogakuro @foelup @bloodiedparasol @sukunasrealgf @hangecanweholdhands @mxlkytea13 @lady-elodie @roguebox @sophisticatedleslie @redactedhimbo @lunastarjay @shirmxie @laventiseriou @lucy-roo @celestair @kunihaver @izayumi-chan @steruberry @kaiyoschaos @aiikalvr @headphonesrlif3 @dazaisfavgf @nejibot @hrtswinter @slvdsjjk @icelessly @cridtiins @tosiavv @ieathairs @astolary @shizunxie @ferumie @ifelloutofbed @chills-boyfriend @zannivrs @caffinatedcoma @anniejourn @creammpuff @luffyspiratequeen @valeriele3 @aestellia @spiriteddreams @yunikaku @twistedrxses [1/3]

[bloodyknucklesforme]

Dead Plate | Guest Check

Kyle and Nina break up

CW: hurt no comfort

"I feel like you're shutting me out," Kyle sighed. She was chewing on the inside of her lip, tearing little pieces of flesh off. He wasn't wrong. It wasn't just the denying of any physical intimacy. Her responses to his texts dwindled out, she rarely invited him over, they didn't talk when he was over. "I just want to help you, Nina."

"You're falling into a dark place again." He reached out to touch her cheek and she moved away.

That little book was a black hole, pulling her further and further into something she couldn't escape from. She'd read through her first year of life from her mother's point of view and it was devastating. She was always unhappy, regretted getting pregnant, regretted the affair, regretted getting married. Nina had held out a sliver of hope that there would be one line where her mother would write "at least I have my daughter" but it hadn't come.

She had colic, she wouldn't nurse, she wouldn't sleep, her mother had no help. She felt guilty for all the hardship she caused her mother. Long paragraphs describing postpartum depression. She wasn't a good baby as impossible as that is too control.

A punishment for feeling any joy in the idea that her father was not her father. That she wasn't made out of reluctance and sense of duty. She was made out of love, albeit during an affair but love none the less. These early writings her mother has no fondness for her husband and all the words she can muster for Price.

He disappears completely after the line "I think it might be John's." No other mention of him. Was he upset? Did he regret it all too? Did he even know?

He always seemed to pay special attention to her, even before her family's death. Let her stay with him when she didn't want to go home after her first year at Uni. Taught her how to cook, got her a job and a place to live. He was the one adult that always looked after her.

She wanted to bring it up to him or Kyle or really anyone. A nagging little thought scratched at the inside of her skull.

"What if you're not his daughter? Will he still love you? Does he even love you now? He might just be doing this out of obligation. He'd drop you the moment he found out he has no relation."

Her mother made no mention of her husband suspecting anything but what if he did? Was that why he always treated Nina with such indifference?

She felt denied a better life. A happier childhood. Her mother wrote about divorce and eloping. How much she loved John Price. Why did it all change with her? Maybe Price was angry... maybe he didn't want her either.

She was walking across a glass floor, any wrong step and the whole thing would fall out from underneath her.

"I've always looked out for you, Nina. Please just let me in." Kyle sat on the bed next to her, trying to catch her gaze.

She hadn't felt well in their relationship in a while. Whatever blockade was between them went up the day her family died. He seemed anxious to touch her sometimes or maybe it was all in her head. She'd always thought he was it. She didn't need anyone else.

They lost their virginities to each other at sixteen. Sneaking out of their respective houses for that specific purpose. The back of his car in the parking lot of the football pitch. It was awkward and she'd cried and he kissed her face and made her cum. She wanted to tell him she loved him.

They broke up for the first time when he went to basic at eighteen. Her choice. She was upset about him risking his life, not following her to uni and the prospect of seeing him wear the same uniform her father did.

A shitty boyfriend and a shittier university term later and he came back, looking stronger and more handsome. More grown up. He said he missed her. They fucked in the back of his car again.

He was deployed, their relationship remained in limbo. She waited for him. He came back, they fucked, he was deployed again.

October 2019 and he was shot trying to stop the Piccadilly attack. Medical discharge, no chance of returning to the service.

"Got shot and all I got was an amazing girlfriend." He chuckled, walking out of the hospital. "Think it evens it out.

She wasn't an amazing girlfriend. She was selfish and insecure and truthfully very sad. Kyle had ambitions and plans. Price had inspired him to get his Diplôme de Cuisine from Le Cordon Bleu in Paris. He just needed the 34k euros to do it.

He was almost there too. There was a school in London but Paris is Paris and he'd already knew French. It was nine months, very intensive. She was happy for him. Truly. He'd learned a lot from Price but wanted more and Price was encouraging. More than with her efforts in pastry.

He'd stay if she'd asked. He'd do a lot if she asked. She really didn't deserve that. She didn't have any plans or hopes for the future. She was stuck at this job, one she hated, with Price that she felt like she couldn't quit. She drank too much. She slept too much. She cried too much.

She'd kept too tight a grip on him for too long.

"I think you should go." She said softly.

"Nina..."

"I can't do this, Kyle. I can't do us anymore. I just need to be by myself." Her mouth tasted like blood.

His face fell, big brown eyes full of hurt and confusion.

"Nina...? Are you breaking up with me?"

She nodded, bottom lip shaking.

"Okay... I'll give you space." He rubbed his face and pinched his brow before getting up. He wasn't taking her seriously. She could tell from his body language that he was expecting to be back here tomorrow.

"Leave the key on the dining table."

"Nina. I'm not going-"

"It's over Kyle! It's over! I don't want to do this anymore! Just go!" She'd only yelled at him like this once before. Almost a decade prior when she thought he was in on the joke about her being a slut at school. "I want you to leave!"

He looked at her, mouth moving silently. He started to grab his things.

"I love you Nina. I always will. Just... text me please if you need anything."

She couldn't give him the decency of showing him the door. His keys jingled as he forced the one for her flat off the ring, leaving it on the table before shutting the door. The tell tale sound of him checking to make sure it locked behind him.

Her mother's diary ended just six months after she was born with the sentence "I don't know if I ever wanted to be a mother."

Tag List: @queen-ilmaree @macravishedbymactavish @gogh-with-the-flow @water-bearz @pvssytrux

[rickytickychow]

I don't even have words for Apology Tour, it was such a great follow-up (types so many words)

idk if Stolas understands how Out Of Nowhere this whole crystal thing was for Blitz. Like sure, it had been a few months, but Blitz was truly expecting a "same as always" kind of affair, misread Stolas's advances and got shut down and shut out the MINUTE he made that mistake. Stolas's little "thank you" speech was visibly genuinely confusing and horrifying to Blitz.

And then (AS BLITZ EXPECTED!!) the prince who supposedly loves him soooooo much walks away after ONE MISTAKE.

Also Stolas, annoyingly enough for Blitz, will never understand why Blitz feels looked down on and mistrusting until he acknowledges his objective place in hell's society. Stolas has never felt like he looks down on or demeans Blitz because he truly put the guy on a pedestal for so long. Now he's assuming that because Blitz didn't respond to his love confession mutually, Blitz didn't actually mean any of it. Bc God forbid your grand romantic gesture out of nowhere doesn't make the other person sweep you into their arms.

The amount of exes at Blitz's party shows how little patience he truly has for relationships despite trying to connect to others, but it's also showing us how much contempt and impatience people really do show him. Objectively, Blitz knows he's a difficult person. He doesn't know how to navigate his OWN feelings, much less someone else's. It's soooo funny to me how he does indeed end up at the "I hate Blitzø" party.

ALSO????

"I don't think you meant to hurt me, cuz I don't think it meant a thing at all"????? STOLAS DID YOU SEE ALL THE BULLSHIT HE DID FOR YOU I THINK IT MEANT SOMETHING TO HIM IDK

Blitz is not someone who does things he doesn't want to. He may have been hasty agreeing to the full moon deal, but he VERY CLEARLY enjoyed it and didn't want it to just... End.

And the Striker thing was also a low blow on Stolas's part. Moxxie and Millie saved his ass, taking BLITZ'S van after he already explained that Loona had an appointment that COULD NOT be missed. I can't imagine Blitz enjoys being in any given hospital longer than he has to. But despite the audience knowing what affects these things, Stolas does not.

This is kinda disjointed but while I feel bad for them both idk. I feel worse for Blitz bc Stolas has every opportunity to get better once he heals his emotional pain. Every Single one. He's still dealing with the divorce and moving sure, but he's a prince with magic, resources, and as Blitz pointed out, a nearly immortal body.

Blitz has all this inner turmoil and... None of that security. He has more to lose by letting people in. He's had to claw, fight, and drag himself for everything he currently has. It's hard for him to apologize because honestly? None of his actions are excused by this fact whatsoever, but he's owed a lot of apologies from people over the years, too. When he says "they're for pussies and no one deserves them anyway," I don't think he's just bitter about giving them. I think he's bitter about the idea of receiving them. Wanting someone to apologize means admitting they can hurt you. Blitz is well aware he can and has hurt others, but loath to admit when he is hurt.

For all his talk about not thinking Stolas can get hurt, Blitz is the one who actually acts like he's infallible - that makes others expect more from Blitz, but he will take them being angry at him over being perceived as weak or pitiable.

Stolas lovvvvves being weak and pitiable because he was expected to grow up quick, and the tragedy of that doesn't excuse his part here either. Anyone can agree that his attitude toward Blitz has taken a complete 180, with no visible effort to see things from Blitz's perspective. Sure, Blitz has been an angry asshole about it, but people seem to think that not showing anger makes whatever shitty behavior they choose automatically better. It doesn't.

I can't wait to see more about Blitz and Verosika too. It was really eye-opening for both Blitz and the audience to see that side of her. There's probably more to their breakup than her saying "I love you," but that being the catalyst for Blitz up and leaving is the WORST. That had to hurt, and even if he just felt unworthy/unable to say it back right away, Blitz should feel bad about just running away.

Since he plays things so close to his chest and acts aggressive, it's easy for everyone around Blitz to overlook any selfless actions and label him as angry and selfish. It's pretty heartbreaking how his relationship to the world and his trauma responses make him lean into the idea that he's a terrible person.

TLDR GREAT EPISODE WHOA these emotional disasters warm my heart (with rage ❤️). Welcome back Verosika lmao

[talesfromthesnogbox]

People Magazine, Page 31

Summary: Henry's decided to totally ghost Alex after their New Years kiss because there's no way Alex could ever like him back... right? He avoids all his texts and calls, and even goes on a date with a pretty actress named Emily for publicity, but how will he ever be able to face Alex after their kiss?

Rating: G

Word Count: 1,409

AO3 Link

Part 2 | Part 3

After New Years, literally everyone at Kensington Palace could tell Henry was in a mood. He needed a distraction, and quickly. 

So when his grandmother suggested (more like declared) he go out with Emily, a pretty blonde actress from a strong noble family who’d just starred in a period drama, he couldn’t say no. Emily was sweet, a year younger than him (the same age as Alex, he thought wistfully), very well spoken, incredibly well read, just the type of person he should be dating. He actually really enjoyed her company, and she seemed to enjoy his as well.

They were at a little coffee shop on their second outing together, Shaan sat across the street watching from the Range Rover that had driven them there, when he felt his phone vibrate on the table. 

Alex Claremont Diaz [12:45 p.m.]

come on Henry, you can’t ignore me forever

Henry sighed and flipped the phone over, turning his attention back to Emily.

“Is everything okay?” 

He nods. “Yes, yes sorry to be so rude, I’m fine, thank you.”

Emily smiles and looks pointedly at his phone. “Are you sure? I’m sorry if this is too forward, but you seem to be rather distracted today.”

He drops his head, nodding slightly. “I’m not the best company right now, am I?”

Henry wasn’t sure what Emily was hoping to get out of this ‘relationship’. She was different than the other women he’d gone on dates with, a lot more reserved, less enthusiastic about flaunting the fact that she was with him, and more interested in actually speaking to him. She was also a lot more forthcoming than anyone else was, and wasn’t afraid to hurt his feelings. “Not really if we’re being honest, but I have a hunch it’s because you have something on your mind.” She leaned forward across the table, and took his hand in both of hers, prompting him to look up at her. “Cameras, remember? If you’re going to fake date me, might as well make it look somewhat convincing.”

“…Fake…?”

Emily giggled very girlishly, out of character for her as far as he could tell, but she was right, the whole point of their outing was for the cameras. “Henry I signed an NDA, my mother was the one who told me I’d be going to dinner with a man I’d only met at state balls, and your head has been in the clouds the whole time. I know what this is, tell me about her.” 

“You signed an NDA?” Henry asked, looking more for a confirmation from her than as a genuine question.

“I did.”

He looked around and stood up from the chair, taking her hand and guiding her out onto the street. “Before I tell you anything, would you mind helping me make this look convincing?”

Emily giggled, dragging him around the corner of the cafe, barely concealed by the alley. A perfect spot for a sordid love affair. “Of course, plant one on me, Prince Charming.”

Henry knew realistically the cameras were completely trained on the two of them, so with a big smile, he wrapped his arms around her waist and leaned in, pressing a kiss to the corner of her mouth. Immediately, he was comparing this to his kiss with Alex. He missed the smell of Santal 33 and sweat, the feeling of stubble beneath his lips, he craved the feeling of Alex’s hands on his hips, dragging him closer. But those were all things he could not have, so for the moment, he had Emily. 

Shaan drove them back to KP, and they decided to take a stroll around the gardens where Henry resolutely decided Emily was trustworthy.

“I don’t mind doing this for you Henry, but why can’t you just be with her if that’s where your heart lies?”

Henry took a deep breath and twisted the signet ring around his pinky finger. “Him, actually.”

“Ah.” Emily’s reply was soft, she nodded along with the realization. “Is he your boyfriend?”

He chuckled. “No, he… er, it was kind of a mistake. I don’t even think he’s interested in men, but some alcohol was involved, and I got jealous and… well…”

“You kissed him?”

Henry nodded. “I kissed him.”

“He didn’t react badly, did he?”

His eyes met Emily’s, and the fierce expression of protectiveness on her face made him instantly fond. 

“No, quite the opposite actually, he kissed me back.” This is normally something Henry would talk about with Bea, but she’d been spending some extra time in Sandringham after Christmas, and he’d not gotten the chance to fill her in. She knew about his raging crush on Alex, she’d figured it out quickly after he left the palace from their press weekend, so he knew she’d be ecstatic to hear he’d finally made a move. It was freeing though, being able to talk about it with someone else, not having to disclose names or places, and it being someone totally outside the situation.

“Then what’s the problem?”

Henry felt relieved, talking over his anxieties with Emily. She was a great listener, and gave him real advice, and for the first time since Pez, he felt safe showing his true self to someone, sexuality and all. It wasn’t that he didn’t feel safe with Alex, he definitely formed a quick bond with him, but it was different, a deeper bond he could only attribute to his big gay crush on him. 

“Henry, you can’t avoid him forever.”

He lets out a bitter laugh. “That’s exactly what he texted me at the cafe.”

“See!” She stands as she exclaims it. “It kind of sounds like he wants you too. You should text him.”

“But… even if I do text him, the pictures of us together are going to come out. What if he suddenly thinks I’m cheating on you?”

“All the better time for you to clear the air. Henry, I don’t want to date. I’m young, I want to focus on my acting, I want to win an Oscar, I don’t want a man right now even if that’s what my parents think is right. If you want to keep pretending this is happening between us, I don’t mind that.”

Henry’s chest aches as he gives Emily a sad smile. It’s more than he’d ever expect anyone to do for him, and he’d eternally be grateful for her, even though they’d only known each other a short time. 

“You’re a good person, Emily, I don’t deserve your kindness.”

“Shut up, stop being so sappy and let’s get you your man. When is the next time you’ll see him?”

The sudden realization of his next scheduled appearance dawns on him. “At the end of the month. I’m supposed to go to a state dinner at his residence.”

Emily whips around to face Henry on the bench they’d occupied. “Wait… is he a nobleman?”

He chuckles. “Well… not exactly, but he’s in the public eye, so—”

“Hang on… this man doesn’t happen to be the gorgeous son of the American president you’ve recently become besties with, does he?” 

Henry tries to keep a poker face about it, but winces once he realizes Emily would push on. “Em, you have to promise—”

“Oh Henry, of course. So what are you going to do?”

He shrugs, and takes sudden interest in his shoes. “I have to go, it was part of an agreement, but I just have no idea what to say to him.”

“If he kissed you back, then I don’t think he’ll be upset with you, he’ll probably be more upset that his friend hasn’t spoken to him since new years.”

“I know. But… I just don’t know what to do, or say. I like him so much, I’m not sure I can just be his friend just yet but I know I can’t be with him.”

She nods. “That’s tough Henry. But you need to talk to him. He’s probably got questions for you too, and he obviously wants to talk if he’s texting you.”

“You’re right.” The two of them sit in comfortable silence for a moment, then Henry reaches over to take her hand in his. “Thank you, truly. This has been more helpful than I can even say.”

“Of course, and thank you for being honest with me. Now come on, it’s nearly tea time, I’m sure your grandmother would be happy if I joined.”