#the weather is my ideal weather. the people are lovely. the scenery is so beautiful!!!

[bahoreal]

ive decided actually im in love with ireland and i need to come back. does anyone whos irish want to date me so i have an excuse

[mariana-oconnor]

The Copper Beeches pt 2

I observed that he sat frequently for half an hour on end, with knitted brows and an abstracted air, but he swept the matter away with a wave of his hand when I mentioned it. "Data! data! data!" he cried impatiently. "I can't make bricks without clay." And yet he would always wind up by muttering that no sister of his should ever have accepted such a situation.

Holmes is worried. He really does seem to always worry about women in potentially abusive situations. This is also why the werid Enola Holmes law suit was weird, btw. The argument for that was that Holmes wasn't depicted as caring about women until the later works, which were not out of copyright, yet this was published in 1892. He's literally referencing a theoretical sister here in a way that clearly shows he would be a concerned brother.

"Please be at the Black Swan Hotel at Winchester at midday to-morrow," it said. "Do come! I am at my wit's end. HUNTER.

I love the tone of this telegram. It's got that 'please' at the beginning, to be polite, but then at the end it's less 'I'm scared' and more exasperation.

"That will do very nicely. Then perhaps I had better postpone my analysis of the acetones, as we may need to be at our best in the morning."

Alas, the acetones will have to wait. Holmes is both willing to postpone his chemistry, but also concerned that he will need to be his best.

By eleven o'clock the next day we were well upon our way to the old English capital.

Such a weird little historical note there. London's been the capital city of England since... Idk... around the Normal conquest in 1066? I don't know if there's an exact date. Most people these days wouldn't even know that Winchester used to be an important city, but Watson's just slipping that in there.

Holmes had been buried in the morning papers all the way down, but after we had passed the Hampshire border he threw them down and began to admire the scenery. It was an ideal spring day, a light blue sky, flecked with little fleecy white clouds drifting across from west to east. The sun was shining very brightly, and yet there was an exhilarating nip in the air, which set an edge to a man's energy. All over the countryside, away to the rolling hills around Aldershot, the little red and grey roofs of the farm-steadings peeped out from amid the light green of the new foliage.

Another lovely description of the scenery and the weather. Everything's so nice. What a lovely day to prevent a crime. And Holmes taking time to look at the scenery.

"You look at these scattered houses, and you are impressed by their beauty. I look at them, and the only thought which comes to me is a feeling of their isolation and of the impunity with which crime may be committed there."

Holmes is super optimistic. This entire speech about the country is why Midsomer Murders exists. Lolol. Look at the idyllic countryside, just full of crime and violence.

"But look at these lonely houses, each in its own fields, filled for the most part with poor ignorant folk who know little of the law."

I feel like that's a little rude of you. I'm pretty sure that even in the countryside people know that murder and theft are illegal.

"I have devised seven separate explanations, each of which would cover the facts as far as we know them."

I want to know what these seven explanations are. I really do.

"In the first place, I may say that I have met, on the whole, with no actual ill-treatment from Mr and Mrs Rucastle."

I feel like this is more luck than anything else. The man is very creepy. We have not yet met the wife, but if she is anything like her husbad described her, she too is very creepy.

"I have gathered that they have been married about seven years, that he was a widower, and that his only child by the first wife was the daughter who has gone to Philadelphia. Mr Rucastle told me in private that the reason why she had left them was that she had an unreasoning aversion to her stepmother."

The fact that she's a stepmother doesn't fill me with confidence in this matter. Still not sure Alice isn't buried under the floorboards. Not to malign stepparents, but in stories like this, they're often the bad guys.

"Mrs Rucastle seemed to me to be colourless in mind as well as in feature. She impressed me neither favourably nor the reverse. She was a nonentity. It was easy to see that she was passionately devoted both to her husband and to her little son. Her light grey eyes wandered continually from one to the other, noting every little want and forestalling it if possible."

This is the most insulting description of a person. She's just nothingness personified. Although this in itself is unsettling. The fact that her husband seems to have such a big personality and she just fades into the background and tries to pre-empt his needs. Eeeh... I'm getting weird vibes. Maybe she's just a naturally retiring and quiet person. But it feels more like a woman who is scared of upsetting her husband. We once again have only the husband's reported word that Alice left because of her.

And sometimes she's just found crying?

Yeeeah. I'm not into this. Nope. Not good.

More than once I have surprised her in tears. I have thought sometimes that it was the disposition of her child which weighed upon her mind, for I have never met so utterly spoiled and so ill-natured a little creature. He is small for his age, with a head which is quite disproportionately large. His whole life appears to be spent in an alternation between savage fits of passion and gloomy intervals of sulking. Giving pain to any creature weaker than himself seems to be his one idea of amusement, and he shows quite remarkable talent in planning the capture of mice, little birds, and insects.

Ah, our earlier suspicions about the child are accurate, it seems. This is a serial killer in the making. If this were a modern story he would have killed his older sister by pushing her down the stairs and his parents would be covering it up.

I don't know where the creepy servants come in. Maybe they just don't like the Rucastles because they're serial killers?

"'Oh, yes,' said he, turning to me, 'we are very much obliged to you, Miss Hunter, for falling in with our whims so far as to cut your hair. I assure you that it has not detracted in the tiniest iota from your appearance. We shall now see how the electric-blue dress will become you. You will find it laid out upon the bed in your room, and if you would be so good as to put it on we should both be extremely obliged.'"

Creeeeepy creepy creepy creepy. Just skin-crawlingly creepy. Don't comment on her appearance, dickhead. This is just a whole pile of weird.

"The dress which I found waiting for me was of a peculiar shade of blue. It was of excellent material, a sort of beige"

I've looked up beige but I still don't really understand what this means, because yes it did used to refer to a fabric, but the fabric was specifically undyed wool. This fabric is definitely dyed, so... Is it a woollen dress?

"...then Mr Rucastle, walking up and down on the other side of the room, began to tell me a series of the funniest stories that I have ever listened to. You cannot imagine how comical he was, and I laughed until I was quite weary."

So he wants her to dress up pretty and listen to his stand-up routine?

"They were always very careful, I observed, to turn my face away from the window, so that I became consumed with the desire to see what was going on behind my back. At first it seemed to be impossible, but I soon devised a means. My hand-mirror had been broken, so a happy thought seized me, and I concealed a piece of the glass in my handkerchief."

I'm always so happy when the people who come to Holmes do their own detective work. Like Mr Melas in the last story, getting the information out of poor Paul under the villains' noses. Miss Hunter here is not just accepting what's going on, she's trying to actively decipher it. Alas, her subterfuge is discovered and she is turned into an active participant in whatever game the Rucastles are playing on the man in the street outside.

Interesting that Mrs Rucastle is the one who takes the initiative here. Clearly she's not as silent a partner in this as she appears.

"'It's only Carlo, my mastiff. I call him mine, but really old Toller, my groom, is the only man who can do anything with him. We feed him once a day, and not too much then, so that he is always as keen as mustard. Toller lets him loose every night, and God help the trespasser whom he lays his fangs upon. For goodness' sake don't you ever on any pretext set your foot over the threshold at night, for it's as much as your life is worth.'"

Ah good. Animal cruelty and oblique threats to her life. That's what we like to see. 'We essentially starve our dog to make sure he's aggressive' is such a dick move. I can see where little Edward gets his animal cruelty from. A chip off the old block, that one.

This family is just so messed up.

Holmes has connections with loads of people, he must know someone who needs a governess and isn't a complete nightmare of a person.

"The very first key fitted to perfection, and I drew the drawer open. There was only one thing in it, but I am sure that you would never guess what it was. It was my coil of hair."

Yep, that's Alice's hair. I don't think I remember Alice being buried under the floorboards, but I honestly wouldn't put it past these people.

"There was one wing, however, which appeared not to be inhabited at all. A door which faced that which led into the quarters of the Tollers opened into this suite, but it was invariably locked."

Oooooh. Alice is locked in the secret wing of the house. How very Bluebeard.

I once saw him carrying a large black linen bag with him through the door.

The mind does automatically go to 'body', doesn't it? I don't think it is a body, but that is what I thought immediately on reading this.

Violet Hunter does pretty much all the leg work in this story. She works out that there's someone behind her, she discovers the forbidden rooms, she sneaks into them. She gets so close to discovering the truth and then...

I turned and ran—ran as though some dreadful hand were behind me clutching at the skirt of my dress. I rushed down the passage, through the door, and straight into the arms of Mr Rucastle, who was waiting outside.

Well... this isn't going to end well.

"'My dear young lady! my dear young lady!'—you cannot think how caressing and soothing his manner was—'and what has frightened you, my dear young lady?' "But his voice was just a little too coaxing. He overdid it. I was keenly on my guard against him."

Glad to see that she's finally seeing through him and has the sense not to tell him what she saw. Although she probably shouldn't have left the door open.

"'Well, then, you know now. And if you ever put your foot over that threshold again'—here in an instant the smile hardened into a grin of rage, and he glared down at me with the face of a demon—'I'll throw you to the mastiff.'"

Ah, there it is, a direct threat to her life. His illusions of civility are peeled back and he's no longer just creepy, but actively horrible.

I do like Violet Hunter, she's such an active participant in events. She doesn't just present a puzzle and then let Holmes tell her what's up, she sniffs around and tries to work out what's going on. And what's going on is a whole lot of bad news.

I'm not sure why Alice is locked in the forbidden wing of the house, but that really doesn't matter. I didn't think she was in Philadelphia. It might be a story a little similar to Miss Sutherland's. She has an inheritance and if she marries, her father and stepmother will no longer have access to it, so locked in her rooms she must be and a doppelganger brought out to pretend that Alice is still happy and healthy.

A whole house full of horrible people. And that poor dog.

I wonder what happened to Alice's mother.

[pcttrailsidereader]

Inspiration and Reflection

Right about this time of the season (winter) I can't help but begin to think about the upcoming summer. Backpacking, camping trips, and day hikes all come to mind. What will unfold often gets determined over the next month or so. Ideally I also like to leave some room for spontaneity as one never knows when an opportunity will arise, the weather will cooperate or an invitation to be a part of an adventure comes along.

I am a sucker for good quotes. I am terrible at memorizing them so I take heart in coming across a good thought put into words. Here are a few that I like. You may have your own that you are welcome to share here at pcttrailsidereader@gmail.com We would love to share them.

Haruki Murakami

“Not just beautiful, though — the stars are like the trees in the forest, alive and breathing. And they’re watching me.”

Alice Walker

“In nature, nothing is perfect and everything is perfect. Trees can be contorted, bent in weird ways, and they’re still beautiful.”

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

"Should you shield the canyons from the windstorms you would never see the true beauty of their carvings."

Ralph Smart

“There is no Wi-Fi in the forest, but I promise you will find a better connection.”

John Muir

"In every walk with nature one receives far more than he seeks."

Katrina Mayer

 “Time spent amongst trees is never time wasted.”

Sylvia Plath

“I felt my lungs inflate with the onrush of scenery — air, mountains, trees, people. I thought, ‘This is what it is to be happy.’”

Pythagoras

“Leave the roads; take the trails.”

Richard Louv

“The greener the setting, the more the relief.”

Toni Morrison

“All water has a perfect memory and is forever trying to get back to where it was.”

Wendell Berry

“The Earth is what we all have in common.”

[epitomees]

Sumire was so incredibly kind and honest about her feelings. Shy, introverted, yet brave and ambitious. Those were qualities Akira admired so much about her. He remembered the card she had sent him and how his heart fluttered for a second. He loved that about her appreciation towards him, and the feeling was mutual.

Naturally, he knew what kind of day this was. A day to return the favor by purchasing a box of chocolates and a white tulip. Milk or dark was the tough option. Many people completely ignored white chocolate, including himself. It tasted weird. It probably would've been best if he asked her first, but no, that would ruin the surprise. In the end, he got both milk and dark just in case in a single box. The florist with whom he worked gave him a smile as if to say 'good luck' and let him end his shift early.

He thanked with a bow of his head and set out to Shibuya's Central Street, next to the famous Hachiko statue. Not many people were there, so that was as good of a meeting place as any, albeit somewhere more private would be more ideal.

Nonetheless, he had his gifts ready and shot her a text, telling her to meet him there whenever she was free from training. He waited for her patiently, idly scrolling on his phone every now and then and when he finally caught wind of that scarlet ponytail, he waved at her. "Over here!"

Once she walked over to him, seemingly excited, he couldn't help the smile on his face as his hands move to present her gifts. "It's good to see you, Sumire. Happy White Day for my favorite gymnast and kouhai.~" He winked at her in a playful manner.

March began the season of change, where nature once sunken into a deep slumber started blooming, slowly but surely. Already many of the barren trees lining Central Street's walkways showed signs of life peaking out from its branches. Small, tiny brownish-green buds meant in time, pink and white flower petals would decorate the scenery.

Spring brought with it new beginnings for many others as well. While winter brought its own beauty, it held its own sorrow and melancholic disposition. It wasn't the best time for someone like Sumire, patiently yet painstakingly await for sunnier days. Warm weather yielded more outdoor activities available for Sumire's liking. More time for training in the fresh air too. She looked forward to those future plans, but first...a little more waiting. Sumire didn't mind...too much.

March not only meant the incoming start of spring, but her birthday wasn't too far off as well. And, of course, the inevitable White Day celebrated by many school students and teenagers. The day where boys, mostly, returned the favor given to them from crushes on Valentine's Day. It's silly, but fun for many. Sumire never expected gifts or anything awaiting inside her locker, or by her desk, or directly shoved into her hands from Shujin's schoolboys. Hardly anyone knew her well...

...except a select few...

...which, to her surprise, said one of them happened to message her just then for a small meetup. Of course, Akira wouldn't forget when someone showed him their gratitude or appreciation. He always remembered, and never forgot. Her response was short, and...maybe she shouldn't have used so many heart emojis, but it already sent! No taking it back now.

The subway took her towards Central Street, and after taking the staircase two at a time she found herself in the entrance square. No sign of Akira just yet. No one could miss the frizzy hair among a crowd of brown and black trenchcoats. She didn't wait too long, however, for his arrival near the dedication statue. Did he take the next train after her? Or did he...arrive early to gather together his thoughtful spread of presents?

"Oh...wow, this is...more than I was thinking you'd bring!" Nonetheless, his thoughtful gestures brought out a classic, genuine Sumire smile. One of fondness, pleasure, giddiness. "The flowers are so colorful, and you have a box of chocolates just for me..." It's a little too much to take in all at once. A little overwhelming, but in an appreciative manner. Akira didn't need to splurge so much and yet...he must have no qualms in the matter.

What did matter boiled down to Sumire's happiness.

"I don't know if I have a large enough vase at home to let these flowers soak, unless you also happened to have bought a vase along with the bouquet.~"

[farrah-fowler]

read to me? {j.m. x reader}

summary: jess and y/n spend a perfect day together

warnings: none

pairings: jess mariano x fem!reader

word count: 0.8k

{lowercase is intended}

A/N: this is my first jess fic! honestly i think this is my best writing so enjoy! (taglist for all writing is open)

{MASTERLIST}

soft golden light filtered into luke's apartment from the large window in the living room. yellow and orange leaves rustled on the trees outside as the wind shook them gently. cars and people went by without a care in the world, enjoying the beautiful and blustery autumn day. y/n sat in the window, watching people go about their day. she felt the chill of the wind through the window and the setting sun dusted a diluted warmth over her nose. she looked over at her boyfriend, missing the warmth on her face. he was laying on the sofa, reading a book he had read maybe a dozen times before. the autumn sun highlighted his features in such a way that it made him look like a statue in a museum made of glass at sunset. she could’ve sworn that her breath was knocked out of her lungs (no doubt carried down the street with stray leaves and scraps of papers) when she saw him.

“i heard taking a picture lasts longer,” jess mumbled while his eyes lazily scanned the page of his book. “what are you doing?”

“just watching,” y/n replied, resting her head against the cool glass window. “it’s such a pretty day today.”

jess turned his head to look at her. his heart skipped a beat at the sight. her figure was draped with one of his sweaters that was much too large for her body. the golden hue put a spotlight on her, making her look more angelic than jess had ever seen her. dust particles floated through the air and swirled around her like snowflakes on a winters day. he could hear a hint of longing in her voice as she looked out of the window. “we can go out there if you want to.”

y/n’s face lit up with joy, her smile shining brighter than the sun. “really?”

jess nodded. a smile matching hers fell on his face. “yeah, come on.”

she quickly scrambled off of the seat and got her shoes. she grabbed a blanket, well attempted to anyway, from the top shelf of the closet before jess came up behind her. he rested a hand on y/n’s hip as he reached up and got the blanket off of the shelf for her. handing her the blanket, he pressed a kiss to the tip of her nose. y/n blushed, hiding her face in the picnic blanket. she reached her hand out for him to take, smiling brightly when he placed his hand in hers. “let’s go.”

jess led her out of the apartment and through the diner. they both said hello to luke before jess pulled y/n out of the door and to the town square. y/n smiled as the cold wind brushed her nose and the weak warmth of the sun ghosted over her forehead. jess took the blanket from her and laid it on top of the almost dead grass next to a large oak tree. he sat down and leaned against the trunk of the old tree.

“come here,” he said, motioning for y/n to come sit next to him. she plopped down next to him, giggling slightly as the wind pushed her hair around.

“it’s so nice out,” y/n mumbled. she rested her head on his shoulder and sighed contently. “read to me?”

jess nodded and opened the small book. he flipped to the page he left off. the page had small notes and was worn from several reads. she watched as he traced the lines of the page. his voice was soft and gentle as he told the tale of the fictional characters. y/n shifted her attention to around the town.

she felt peace wash over her while listening to jess’s voice and watching her beloved neighbors go about their days. kids down the way were trying to build a leaf pile, their giggles echoing through the square. y/n laughed quietly when a little boy did a cannon ball into the leaf pile earning squeals of frustration from the other kids.

“what’s so funny?” jess asked. he pressed a kiss to the top of her head before looking in the same direction as her. he was met with the little kids throwing leaves at the young boy who jumped in the pile. orange and yellow leaves fell from the sky, showering the kids like a midnight thunderstorm.

“those kids,” y/n replied. she reached for his hand and played with his fingers softly. she relished in the contact between the two, her head on his shoulder, his hand in hers. the autumn sun and the soft wind was the cherry on top of the ideal afternoon. it was perfect. “thank you, jess.”

“for what?” jess asked. he grinned at the way she fiddled with his fingers.

“for this,” y/n motioned to the autumnal scenery around her. “i love just being here with you and spending time with you.”

“oh,” jess said quietly. he had never had someone express that they like spending time with him the way y/n had. it had thrown him off his rhythm for a split second before he regained his composure. “no need to say thank you, y/n. i’ll do this anytime, any weather.”

“really?”

“really."

✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧

taglist for all works: (open)

[gretavanfleetposts]

hi!!! ship submission! i love the way you write these. they really come to life.

I’m 22, she/her!

I’m pretty short, slim, dirty blonde, and i have blue eyes. I’m a huge film nerd and I’m working as a photographer, as well as a server at a restaurant. I’m really passionate about nature, music, traveling, and creating art that makes people feel things.

I’m generally reserved in a group unless I’m really comfortable with the people around me- in which case, all bets are off. i love doing crazy stuff with crazy people. i think i could be described as a fun, spontaneous person, I’m super adventurous and am always down to try something new. i do love meeting new people after i get over my initial shyness. (or after a couple drinks)

i hate routines. a 9-5 civilized life will surely be the death of me. i love my freedom, it’s something i really value, so i would definitely need to be with someone who loves to change scenery. commitment freaks me out a little. i’d need to be with someone I’m head over heels for, and i’d need to be sure they felt the same way before considering settling down.

an ideal first date would be anything outside in the warm weather! a simple hike or a drive in movie would be perfect. i like casual stuff where i can be present and enjoy my surroundings, but am also not opposed to dressing up and doing something fancy. i love seeing the guy im with dressed up once in a while. i can be super girly so i definitely need to let that side out of me on occasion you know?

you guys are lovely <3 thanks for doing these.

Hello there!

❤: Oh look, another artsy queen that I ship with myself. Y'all are so creative, I swear. I totally get being reserved in a group before you get to know people or have a few drinks. I'm the exact same way! But I love that you're not afraid to get crazy around the people you're comfortable with. And I love how independent you seem! You seem like such a fun person to be around.

Ship: Jake

Because: I think Jake is the right type of chill for you. He wouldn't be overbearing and would definitely let you have your independence. But of course he would love spending time with you. And he probably understands your distaste for routine better than anyone. I can see him inviting you on tour with him and the boys just so you could experience that crazy life with him. He'd be so supportive of your photography; he'd probably try and convince you to be the band's photographer. And I absolutely think he'd like to dress up with you and go out on occasion.

Scenario:

It wasn't terribly often that you and Jake got dressed up to go out

Sure, you dressed nicely when you went out on dates. But they typically weren't a black tie affair

But every now and then you agreed that it was time again for an especially 'fancy' night out, so the two of you would put on your nicest outfits and hit the town

Tonight, Jake was taking you to an expensive restaurant that you'd never go to on your own volition. But this was a fancy date night, after all

You slipped into a silky navy blue dress that was sure to drive your boyfriend wild and pulled your hair up off your shoulders to show off the dangly diamond earrings you'd adorned

When he arrived to pick you up and caught his first glimpse of you, his breath hitched in his throat

He couldn't believe you were so beautiful and all his

You had lost your words when you saw him, too

It was one of those rare occasions when Jake was wearing dress pants instead of jeans and a matching suit jacket instead of his blue blazer

He paired it with a black dress shirt mostly unbuttoned, as he usually did

He was breathtaking

Of course, he always was. But there was just something about seeing him this way. You loved it

The atmosphere in the restaurant was cozy and romantic, and the food was great, but it was the date sitting across from you that made the night perfect

In fact, the best part of the date came when Jake took you back to his place and put on a record

You were about to take your heels off when he pulled you by the wrist into the living room and straight into his arms for a dance

You dress twirled around you as you spun to the music with him

He was practically mesmerized

You spent the better portion of the night swaying in each other's arms

Jake's living room maybe wasn't the fancy location you had gotten dressed up for but you couldn't have asked for a better night

I hope you liked it! Thank you for the request!

-⭐

Ships are currently closed

[averagesmw]

Penny Haywood x MC- Come with me (1/4)

Game: Harry Potter Hogwarts Mystery

____________________

The time for the holidays was approaching Hogwarts. The colorful lights and gentle snowfall made paved the way for the most peaceful time of the year

A time when there was no such thing as an enemy and tensions were indeed at an all-time low

This would be an ideal time to celebrate and surround yourself with loved ones, but after a brutal sixth year, festive wouldn't be a way to describe how Y/N was feeling

It was so hard to believe that it was over, that after... everything, they were free. However, it didn't feel like a victory

In fact, it didn't feel like anything. Even Beatrice wasn't as gloom

This behavior did not go unnoticed, however. Across the Great Hall, while the Curse-Breaker was staring at their giant sandwich, their friends were plotting

Well, at least the ones who hadn't left for Christmas yet

Tulip, Liz, Tonks, and Penny were waiting on Chiara, who was holding a plate with barely eaten food

"They didn't even eat. They just took a bite to not make me feel bad..."

The silver-haired girl sighed, earning sympathy from the girls, except for Penny, who was looking back at them

Not many students were left, but Y/N was so lost in thought that they didn't notice the girls

"This isn't good. Y/N has been as lonely as Talbot"

"...Who?" Tonks asked

"The point is, there has to be something we can do to help them"

"I tried cheering them up with Puffskeins, but Y/N just ended up falling asleep..." Liz sighed in defeat

"Have you tried taking them to Hogsmeade?" Tulip suggested to Penny

"Yes, but they didn't want to go. Said there were too many memories"

There was silence after that, at least until more ideas brewed

Y/N went through unimaginable lengths to protect their friends and even ensure their happiness. After everything that happened with Rakepick and the Vaults, it was only fair that they got some of that as well

The girls were devastated to know that wasn't the case, and they made it their mission to correct it immediately

Unfortunately, every attempt at improving their friend's mood had failed, and with Christmas approaching, time was running out

Unless...

"Wait, you said Hogsmeade brought Y/N bad memories?"

Penny nodded at the question, curious to see what Tonks had come up with

"Why not take Y/N somewhere else? Maybe a change of scenery would help them"

"Brilliant idea, Tonks! It could do wonders for their health if the environment is right"

Chiara's comment earned a proud smile from the methamorphmagus, at least until Liz came in with another question

"But where would it be ideal for that?"

With her hand on her chin, looking around for an answer. Her blue eyes eventually landed on the Christmas tree that was decorating the place

That's when she got a fragment of what could be an idea. She just needed a bit more intimation

"Where are you going on Christmas?"

The girls seemed to pick up on this idea, but their reactions didn't help much

"Y/N L/N is one of my best friends, I wouldn't let them anywhere near my parents"

With Tulip's parents working for the Ministry and Y/N being...well, Y/N, it only made sense

" I'm staying to help Hagrid look after the creatures"

Liz's statement made Chiara look at her with surprise

"And I will learn from Madam Pomfrey. Maybe we can get together for lunch!"

The silver-haired girl smiled at the idea as soon as she heard it

"I'd love that!"

The girls' excitement only made Penny worry, seeing as her options were running out. But that's when she thought about what she'd be doing in the holidays

Visiting the countryside, away from conflict and just near family and friends from a nearby village

"Then I'll ask Y/N to come with me for the holidays!" She thought out loud, gaining the attention of her friends

"You sure your parents would let you?"

"I'll send them an owl to ask them. Hopefully, they'll say yes"

Shortly after that, her gaze shifted to the student at the table

"But first, the guest of honor"

Without further due she approached Y/N and sat in front of them, her presence making then snap out of it

"Oh. Hey, Penny"

She returned the greeting with a smile

"Hi, Y/N. How are you today?"

"I'm holding up. I thought you'd be going with your family for Christmas"

This provided Penny the opportunity she was looking for, and she wouldn't waste it

"Actually, that's what I came here to talk about"

The suspense that accompanied that statement made Y/N look at her with concerned eyes

"Is everything alright?"

The Hufflepuff picked up on this and gently smiled at them

"Oh yes, don't worry about it. See, I was thinking..."

A sigh left her soft lips before she finally allowed herself to be as honest as she could with Y/N, or at least enough to proceed

"You've done far too much for us, especially this year, and while it has been difficult, it's been even worse for you"

"That's...a way to describe it, yes"

"But you deserve to enjoy this breath of fresh air, Y/N, and I was wondering if you..."

If she had their attention, now she also counted with their curiosity

"Yes?"

Her blue eyes met their e/c eyes as she finally asked what she came there to know

"If you'd like to come to the countryside with me for the holidays"

Penny waited for Y/N to politely decline the invitation as they would probably do given their mood

However, something that the young lady didn't account for was that talking to her would always help to cheer them up, even now

So rather than declining such an offer, Y/N showed surprise

"Really? You want me to go with you?"

Their reaction was as if they had forgotten just how much they meant to Penny, but seeing this change in behavior gave her the boost she needed to continue

"Of course! There's nobody else I'd rather spend them with"

She could tell that the curse-breaker was moved by her words, but also that they were seriously considering her offer. It was only a minute, but it felt like an eternity to the blonde witch

"Well, I could use the scenery change"

There she was, the confirmation she needed to get started. Penny got up and flashed one of the brightest smiles Y/N had ever seen

Not literally of course, but he had to be dead for it not to be heartwarming

"Brilliant! I'll send an owl to my parents to tell them about it. I'll tell you when we're leaving and...Y/N?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you for giving me this opportunity"

Without further due, she left the Great Hall and headed straight to her Common Room so she could write a letter asking her parents if Y/N could indeed tag along

Penny would explain that they were responsible for saving Hogwarts on multiple occasions, including the Haywood sisters themselves and also the fact that they didn't quite deserve to spend such a gloomy Christmas by themselves

The owl left as soon as she delivered the letter. Fortunately, the weather was calm enough for it to fly normally and there weren't as many letters going around

It took a day for Penny to receive an answer, and what she saw made her squeal with overwhelming joy. Y/N would spend the holidays with them

For Y/N it might be just a change of scenery, but for her? It was all she wanted

To spend the best time of her year surrounded by the people she loved the most, no exceptions

And so, she went to find Y/N and tell them that the time to leave was near...after eating breakfast, of course

They all ate together and wished Y/N a pleasant trip. One could tell that more than saddened by their departure, they were glad they were taking their time

Except for Alanza, she wouldn't let go, literally. Even if she wouldn't admit it, that made Penny a bit jealous

Regardless, the Haywood sisters and Y/N found themselves walking into the Hogsmeade train station, with their baggage included

The plan was to take the train, get to a specific location where they'd meet Penny's parents, and from there continue with the holidays

Nothing Penny hadn't done many times before, so it wasn't all that complicated to follow

"I'm so glad you agreed to come with us, Y/N!"

"I think you'll find the countryside rather charming. Even I still enjoy it" Beatrice added

"Then I guess I really have to see it for myself"

"You'll love nature in there, it's so relaxing. There, let's find a seat!"

Penny grabbed Y/N's hand out of instinct as she guided them through the station, with Beatrice not far behind, chuckling at the sight of it

Plenty of things had taken place during their sixth year at Hogwarts, most of them dreadful, but one exception was Beatrice's relationship with both Penny and Y/N themselves

While still adjusting to her new self, she found comfort in the curse-breaker's company and help. Now she was ready to move on

And it showed, while they were all waiting for the train, the chatter was not gloomy or resentful, but rather charming instead

It even brought some semblance of normality

Something that seemed like such a rare commodity nowadays

Fortunately, they didn't have to wait long for the train to arrive. They had timed their arrival perfectly, which was a relief considering that the station's clock cannot be relied on

It didn't take long for them to find a place to sit while the journey began, Penny and Beatrice sat on one side and Y/N on the other. Regardless, the window provided a breathtaking view of the landscape

As if the mountains and fields weren't beautiful enough, the snow gave them a refreshing new look. That was perhaps the best thing about winter, it made everything look brand new, even if it was older than you

An hour and a half went by with nothing to report. A hint of orange had taken over the scene, reminiscing the colors of the past season in a gentle way

Beatrice fell asleep in no time, practically leaning on her sister, who was reviewing potion materials when she noticed this

"Hey Y/N? Do you mind if I sit with you?"

The curse-breaker, on the other hand, was reading a book that Madam Villanelle recommended for the long trip. They lowered the book to look at the blonde and immediately understood what she meant

And so, Y/N moved so that there was enough space for Penny. She wanted to give her sister more space to get some rest...and it was also the perfect excuse to scoot a bit closer

"Thanks!"

In a swift motion, the blonde gently laid her sister to rest and got up, switching seats so that she was now beside her other companion

Said companion found themselves unable to return to their book, as the light that made it through the window highlighted Penny's delicate features

From the way her braids were done, to the softness and color of her lips, and more importantly, her joyful attitude

Y/N found themselves lucky just to be witness to this, but it also came to them that so far, they hadn't said anything to the girl, they had just tagged along

Perhaps now would be the right time to correct that

"Penny?"

The delicate way her name left Y/N's lips got her attention in seconds, and when she saw them put away their book, Penny was genuinely intrigued

"Yes?"

They scratched the back of their neck as words failed to come out at first, but after a sigh, that was no longer a problem

"Thank you for taking me with you. I mean it"

She gave them a sympathetic smile, she knew why she was doing this and didn't feel like she was owed anything

"There's no need to thank me, I didn't want you to stay alone in the castle"

"I'm not precisely alone, but I get what you mean"

"You didn't have to do it"

This time, both of them shook off the nervousness

"But I wanted to. You saved Hogwarts, Y/N, but you also saved my word. I want to share it with you"

The curse-breaker didn't know how to answer that. Although their surprised expression and later smile said everything

Penny spared them of the silence and chose to continue, with a softer approach this time, and one closer to the truth as well

Her truth, of course

"Besides, I like spending time with you outside the school. Like that time we went to the dragon reserve"

Y/N chuckled at the memory of that "field trip", choosing to focus on the less lethal parts of it, but also going with the flow of the conversation

"That time when we roasted marshmallows together and slept in an oversized tent?"

"Exactly! But...less dangerous"

They laughed at this comment, taking the opportunity to go over the events of the last year together

Not only the dragon reserve but also getting to welcome Alanza to the school, the times they had snuck out together to investigate or just talk in the Courtyard

It wasn't a Celestial Ball or a tournament, but there was no denying those small moments

Of course, it had been a dark year, but it wasn't one without its lighter moments, and even if Y/N couldn't find enough of them, Penny would provide light, for both of them

This chatter lasted for at least another hour, soon, both of them returned to their respective books, smiling tiredly after making the journey much sweeter

But then, after a few minutes of reading, the Hufflepuff felt a gentle weight on her shoulder. Glancing over, she discovered the familiar h/c hair so close to her

Did...did Y/N just fall asleep on her shoulder?

Yes, yes they did

And they looked so peaceful as well

Penny found herself smiling fondly at this

" I could use a little rest..." She thought

Penny didn't think it twice before she closed her book, putting it to the side

Then, she got comfortable and snuggled closer to Y/N, allowing herself to cuddle up and just...close her eyes too

[bisexualsforprompto]

Teen Titans AU Part 6

Hi! I’m so excited I was able to update at the end of the day today (phew barely made it). Hopefully you like this chapter, it’s mostly setting up for the plot (and climax soon) but I also added some Daminette fluff. Here you go!

VI

“Are you kidding me Kori?!” Asked Damian, “We’re not going back to the tower! We have to find Deathstroke!” Starfire shook her head at Damian, internally she was freaking out, she even wished Dick was here to help her lead this. “Damian, if we go now we’ll be underprepared and Slade is aware of your rashness, he’ll be expecting us. We’ll be pummeled and Marinette will go back with that psycho.” Kori responded. Jamie nodded at Starfire’s statement and sat down on the couch with Garfield. Team meetings normally weren’t so tense and they probably wouldn’t have been if Marinette was there to keep the peace, but Kori sent her to her room. The poor girl had gone through enough and she needed sleep. Damian and Jon were understandably furious but Jon saw Kori’s point, “She’s right you know.” He turned to his friend, who had his normal annoyed expression. Jon continued, “If we try to find them now we’ll be going in blind. I don’t want to send Mari away, but they know she’s here. What should we do Starfire?” Kori thought about it, “I-“ she was interrupted by a scream, Marinette’s scream. “I’ve got it.” Damian said running as fast as he could to her room after checking the camera they put in her room just in case. Nobody was in her room, she was just having a nightmare. Damian understood, sometimes he’d have nightmares about his grandfather. But Ra’s wasn’t coming back unlike Marinette’s tormentor. He quickly opened her door and tapped her until she woke up. “Did-did I do it again Damian?” She said with tears in her eyes. “Don’t worry Marinette, he’s not coming back. And if he does I’ll kick his ass, I’d die before I let anything happen to you.” He whispered into her ear. He felt relieved that the other Titans were in a meeting and couldn’t hear him talk to Marinette. He squeezed her tightly as she sobbed into his arms. “Dam-Damian?” She said looking up at him staring at him with her wide blue eyes. He couldn’t do anything when he looked into her eyes, he was intoxicated. Bluebell eyes continued to stare at him and he looked back at her with his piercing emerald ones. “Yes malak*?” She breathed deeply before asking, “Could-could you stay with me tonight? I feel safer with you.” Damian couldn’t say no to her, he already knew that, “Yes, I will.” He remembered he was a gentleman though and added, “Where would you like me to sleep?” Marinette paused and gathered up some courage, “could you stay here?” She said motioning to the bed she was on. “Are you s-sure?” Damian asked. He didn’t know what to make of it, he knew he would never take advantage of her, but he was surprised that after the Agreste kid she wasn’t afraid of sleeping in the same bed as a boy. Marinette nodded, “I-I am. I trust you Damian.” Damian nodded back to her and laid down. He didn’t mention that she had also trusted that idiot cat partner of hers, but he knew he would never hurt her and if he did, even just emotionally, he would never forgive himself. Damian held marinette as she slowly drifted off to sleep, he ruffled her hair soothingly, “I swear nothing will ever happen to you as long as I’m alive.” He whispered and he too, fell asleep.

The morning sun peeked through the windows of Titans tower. The team, aside from Damian and Marinette were awake for most of the night. Garfield turned on the TV to see if there was any news about the whereabouts of their blonde model. If this kid was really as famous as Kori had mentioned he knew there’d be news about him, and sure enough an anchor with dark hair and chocolate skin was talking about it, with a picture of the smiling blonde model on the TV.

“If you have any tips about where Mr. Agreste might be, call this hotline right now. Now to Mindy with an interview with one of Adrien Agreste’s classmates.” Lila and the interviewer panned onto the screen as Jon walked in. Lila spoke in perfect but choppy English,

“Oh I just hope he’s found soon! I don’t know what Id do without him, we’re such great friends, unlike some people…” The interviewer took Lila’s bait, “Who would be ‘some people’?” Lila put a hand to her head dramatically, “Marinette Dupain-Cheng. She’s been obsessed with Adrien since day one, she probably kidnapped him, or worse. She was always so jealous that he’d rather spend time with me instead of-“ Jon growled at the liar on TV, “Turn it off.” He told Gar. “But-“ “Turn it OFF!” Jon yelled. Garfield obliged and the other Titans trickled into the room, except for Marinette and Damian, they were still fast asleep. “Should we wake them?” Tara asked, motioning towards the camera that was taping Marinette’s room. It showed the bluenette and Damian sleeping side by side, with Marinette’s arms placed on Damian’s chest. “No.” Kori said, if the stakes weren’t so high she would even call the display cute, “They deserve a little rest.” Tara nodded and sat next to Gar on the couch. The two had gotten much closer since Marinette arrived, Gar had even told Jamie that Tara and he had kissed. Jamie wasn’t sure what to make of it, but he was happy for his friend. The team sat on the furniture as Starfire got up to make breakfast.

Damian was awoken by the ringing of a cell phone in his pocket. “Just five more minutes.” He heard Marinette mumble. Adorable, he thought. He slowly got up from the bed and answered the phone. “Yes Alfred?” He said in a hushed whisper, as to not wake up Marinette. She sat up anyway watching Damian speak. “No? Is anyone hurt? That’s good. Yes, I think that would be a good idea… today? In TWO HOURS?! Yes, yes sorry Alfred. I’ll be there, do you mind if I bring a friend? Good. We’ll be there.” After hanging up Damian sat on the bed stroking Marinette’s soft, beautiful hair, “My family has offered us their house in Gotham for the time being until we have a good plan to find Deathstroke and Agreste. They could use a little help with Gotham villains, and I think a change of scenery might be good for you anyway...We’d leave in two hours, on a plane. Is that ok?” Marinette nodded, she’d be lying if she said she wasn’t a little happy about going with Damian to another place, far away from Adrien. She thought it would be a good distraction to meet his family. “Ok, malak. Unfortunately you’ll have to get changed and we’ll have to leave almost right away.” Marinette looked puzzled, “Damian? What does ma-malak mean? I heard you say it last night too but…” Damian chuckled a little, “It means angel in Arabic. (*courtesy of google translate) You don’t mind me calling you that do you?” He asked, suddenly self conicous. He only called her that because he thought it described her perfectly. Marinette blushed, “I don’t mind, not at all! I-I-I ummm. CHANGE! I should change!” Damian held in a smile as the bluenette sprung out of bed and ran to her bathroom.

When Marinette was safely in her bathroom, she pulled out clothes from her closet (don’t question it) and woke Tikki up from her makeshift bed in the closet (Tikki wanted to let Mari have some space). “Oh my gosh Tikki, I’m hopeless.” Tikki giggled, “Is this about Damian?” “What how’d you know?!” “It’s obvious, you look at him lovingly, he actually smiles around you…” Marinette turned fifty shades of red, “I- uhhhh. I’m going to change now!” She shut the closet again and changed quickly into some warm clothes, she didn’t know a lot about Gotham except that the weather was generally colder there. She opened her closet once more and pulled out some luggage and packed as fast as she could. She took her purse and motioned Tikki inside. She grabbed her luggage and walked out of the bathroom. She didn’t see Damian, so she assumed he went back to the main room. She headed there too. The Titans had congregated in the main room when they got wind that Damian and Marinette would be in Gotham for a while. Jon didn’t want her to leave but he knew it was safer since only the team and the batfamily knew about them leaving. He wanted Marinette to be safe above all else.

Damian had packed and gathered in the room at record speed, Marinette was close behind. “So I guess you heard…” she said. The team nodded. Marinette was never any good at goodbyes, even temporary ones. Damian looked at his watch, they would have to leave soon if they wanted to get to the airport on time. “I wish you all the best in Gotham, you two.” Kori said. “You’re going to love Gotham,” Garfield jumped in, “Very inspirational.” Marinette nodded, it was awkward, these people had seen her at her worst and seen her laugh so hard she cried. She took a deep breath, “I know it’s only temporary but I’m going to miss all of you so much.” Jon sighed, it was going to be even harder to let her leave. “Don’t worry Mari, we’ll chat all the time. Maybe video calls?” Jon looked at Damian for his approval and he nodded. “I’m sorry Marinette, I know it’s not ideal but it’s the best temporary fix we have while we come up with a plan to beat Slade and Agreste. Plus, I’m sure my family could benefit from the help of a certain spotted heroine.” That made Marinette smile slightly just like Damian thought it would, nothing cheered her up like helping others. Jon pulled Mari in for a tight hug, Garfield, Jamie, Kori, and surprisingly Raven followed suit. Tara stood by Damian and when Marinette was released from the group hug she walked up to her and gave her a small farewell and good luck hug, nothing long but Marinette could tell she cared. Damian said a quick goodbye to his team and walked out of the tower, luggage in hand, with Marinette.

Damian took the Titans smaller car that was used for personal reasons, not Titans business and drove off as the two heroes waved goodbye to their friends. Marinette looked at him as he drove, she was content to let drive in silence, it felt like she didn’t need words at all with him but then she suddenly remembered, “Damian, what villain does your family need help with?” Damian sucked in a bit of air, “The Riddler and his son, normally they’re not much of a threat, but they’ve escalated and are appearantly planning something big. My ‘sisters’ are on a girls trip so my father asked for me to come back and help.” Marinette nodded, “it’ll certainly be a desired pace from Adrien.” She seemed to wince at his name, “and I can’t wait to meet your family, if they’re as g-g-great as you I’m sure I’ll love them.” She blushed. Damian blushed too, she thought he was great! He pulled himself out of his thoughts with a coughing fit, “We’re here.” Damian said pulling up at a small airport. Damian stepped out of the car and opened the door for Marinette, causing a whole new wave of blushes. They walked into the airport together and when they were cleared through security, traveled to the gate just in time for boarding. The Wayne’s had bought them tickets in first class that were next to each other. A TV and a small set of earphones were attached to the back of the seat in front of them. Marinette took the window seat and looked out the window as the plane started to take off, she looked slightly nervous. “Is this your first time flying malak?” Damian asked. “Y-yeah, at least for the first time when I was awake.” Marinette responded. Damian placed a hand over hers, “Is this ok?” He asked. Marinette smiled, “Thank you.” They sat in a comfortable silence for a while until they experienced turbulence. Marinette shut her eyes tightly and Damian came up with an idea. “How about we watch a Movie? It’ll get your mind off the flight.” Marinette nodded and reached for an earbud as Damian reached for the other, their hands touching briefly sending sparks and blushes through the teens’ bodies. They placed their respective earbud in and Damian searched for a movie. Marinette saw her favorite on the dashboard, “How about Enchanted?” Damian looked puzzled, “Sure. I’ve never seen it but-“ Marinette looked at him with wide eyes, “You’ve never seen Enchanted?! That’s it we’re watching it.” Marinette pressed a thumb to the movie and it started to play. Marinette seemed pretty engrossed as the movie went on and Damian found himself looking more at her than the movie. Soon it was over though, and they landed. “You were right Damian, that helped a lot.” She said looking gratefully at the dark haired boy. Damian gave her a slight smile, it was nearly impossible not to smile when she was around. Damian took her hand gently and led her off the airplane, she was awed by the sight of the city and thought of new sketch ideas right away. Gar was right, the city was inspirational. Damian looked at her and her dumbfounded expression and smiled a bit more, “Welcome to Gotham Marinette.”

Tag list:

@zebrabaker (sorry I don’t understand why it’s not working).

@2sunchild2

@northernbluetongue

@mochinek0

@violatiger8

@beaversuenightly

[flow-green]

Back with fixing teeth. Had pizza, went for a run.

Last week, a crispy cold one, has finally come to an end and a new one enrolled. Not that I complain, though – I liked the frozen sights and bit more uncomfortable temperatures.

And, as promised, I uploaded my 100 goals for this Year. It was good to write that one, as almost a month has passed and I got my first overview on how I am doing with this.

I was glad to see that my eating habits, weigh-ins and measurement takings are going well and according to new and calm schedule. I only do my weigh-in on Friday, have not taken measurements yet. 90% of the time I eat proper meals, although breakfast is still tricky for me: after waking up for 2-3 hours I have no appetite nor hunger whatsover and when I finally feel that hunger pang kicking it, it’s already a whole busy workday and I do not have the chance to take some time to prepare a healthy breakfast and sit down to actually enjoy it. Thursday was probably the worst day as I had my dentist appointment. I woke up at 7:30, did a turbo make-up, grabbed my coffee mug and water bottle and off to Tallinn I drove. In the capital I had just enough time to get to dentist on time.

Like always, my dentist visit was very enjoyable, but an emotional rollercoaster. Every time I am always prepared for the worst, that my bill will be over 300 euros and a cheap macaroni diet until the end of month will be my reality. I play through these scenarios when receiving the bill I just hurl myself on the ground to do some ugly crying and then destroy my savings account. Do I learn? Never. Every single time the bill is twice or even thrice as low and day goes on as beautiful as ever. So, on some level it is quite welcoming to go there wirh a mentality to be prepared for the worst.

My dentist is just pure amazingness! Long time ago I had a blog writing about my dental health journy from my very first appointment and setting up the health plan up to the very moment I got my braces taken off. At some point the final part was left uncompleted as my financial situation was a bit difficult. But now, as I have successfully managed to pay off my student loan and braces loar and I am no longer renting an appartment, I am back on track and can go on from wherer I left it all. I still have a few teeth to be cured and I need new teeth implantants to fill in the empty holes, left there by my teeth that needed to be pulled out to make more room for braces. So, I am thinking about 2-3k euros  more to go. Luckily, this is divided throughout the next year, as every implantant takes its time to heal and gums to be prepared.

Here’s a little reminder on my journey

This saga gave me a proper dose of self-confidence. For example I presented my MA paper with such a high confidence I got a grade higher due to my excellent performance.

Anyway, I have a seriously cool dentist who cured me from my dentist phobia. Okay, I admit, the clinic is above average with slightly crispier prices, but it is all worth it. Rooms are so clean, cozy and they have these TVs in the ceiling where variety of nature documentaries and beautiful pictures of nature are shown. Thus, just relax, enjoy beautiful scenery and forget everything else.

So, I ran straight to dentist from bus station and when I slowly melted to dentist chair, I felt these first stomach rumbles. I was actually glad that I have finally started to notice my empty stomach and not to ignore it. I dreamt about my tasty chickpea omlette and then I remembered: I am not supposed to eat 2 hours after the appointment. And so it happened that when I finally got back to Rakvere and while I was waiting for my boyfriend, I had been without a single calorie for 19 hours. What I hated the most was this silent voice in my hear saying that I am doing good! Almost 20 hours fasted, keep going, you can go without food. But I ignored it and instead, asked the boyfriend where we should go to eat. This was my next challenge: to have someone else pick a place we can go to eat as long as it has a proper selection of vegan foods. So he chose pizza restaurant. I had not been to that place for ages since, well... pizzas, burgers... my main fear foods. In my head I was already thinking if I should take a really small rye pizza without any cheese, to save up them calories. NO! If it is pizza now, then going to go and enjoy it fully. We also ordered sweet potato fries as my Mom ensured me these were THE BEST ones she had ever had. OK, Mom,  no pressure, my hopes are high.

I wasn’t disappointed.

And pizzas at that place are just to die for. Over ages we ate at the locale and not ordered take-away as we usually do, and then we eat it quickly on our laps while dricing. No emotions or enjoyment. Eating there, at the table, taking time was like a therapy. We had time, we laughed and relaxed. I enjoyed every single bite, spilled food everywhere like I usually do. I was enough full, had my energy overflowing: perfect to be prepared for our second Gym evening. Because, yes, the next goal is also slowly starting to shift together. Now, on every Monday and Thursday we go to local gym. You have no idea how I MISSED gym! And once again: no forced excercising a la I HAVE TO lose that fat on my arms, I HAVE TO balance out these pizza calories. No, just pure enjoyment of how much my body is capable to perform.

Week itself was VERY busy. My workload has started to go up again, clients are active. Thus, it has become more complicated to take my proper lunch breaks. Few times they still turned to semi-breaks with me checking mails with one eye and replying to some of them. But, my mornings and evenings are nicely in frames; I do not start my office hours before 9 nor finish it after 6 PM.

On Wednesday evening I gave one of my best BodyBalance classes. This time there were so many people to my surprise, and even 2 new faces. It turned out people in neighboring villages have heard about my classes and one actually came and was so pleased. There you have it, corona. I am glad to see that when taking precautions, there is no need to avoid physical activity, times like these it is even more important than before. I am always so happy and glad that I have this opportunity to support people with my classes.

On Tuesday, I went for a RUN, over a million years! The weather has not really agreed with me, as my winter gear is not that ideal for colder temperatues. But on Tuesday, I found a window when the temperature was bearable and I managed to put together my running gear. Main heroes were my new running steeds. And, oh my god, how AWESOME it was to run after such a long time on a really slow and easy pace. I had no expectations, goals. Just pure enjoyment of running act. I took my time and enjoyed every second. Pace was slow indeed, but I had absolutely no remorse or anger over it. And, as promised, I will take it slowly and calmly, to get back my love and passion towards running once again.

One of my goals is to rediscover my passion of baking. Baby steps. On one teanight we realized we had no cookies to munch on. We only had a jar of jam. And then I had an idea: why not make a crumble! It is the most simplest pastrys there is. Flour, butter, sugar and jam. And I ate one piece. And even a second one. And third one next morning.  See? Still alive, no visible weight gain.

And then I ordered a kilo of Nutritional Yeast: a magical vegan fairy dust. I think I got my boyfriend also to love the sweet heaven of nooch. I made a classical mac n cheese with nooch cheese sauce made with boiled potatoes, carrots, spices and nooch. And again, half of the pot was empty, and not because of me :D.

Overall I am happy to see that green and whole plant based foods have taken most of the space in our fridge. I have not yet managed to root out the meat all in all from our housegold, but this is not my main goal at the moment. Just hoping that with mild suggestions and explanations everything not blant based will soon be left out fullest, with an excetion of our cat, Igor, who is such a picky eater he won’t have anything else than his meaty kitty foods.

[aion-rsa]

Ghost of Tsushima Review: A Beautiful Homage to Akira Kurosawa

https://ift.tt/eA8V8J

Ghost of Tsushima is a daring departure for Sucker Punch, who since 2009 has worked solely on the Playstation-exclusive Infamous series. While those games were steeped in modernity, offering sprawling cityscapes players could explore from top to bottom via superpowered “conduits” Cole MacGrath and Delsin Rowe, Ghost of Tsushima’s open world is set in feudal Japan. It’s here that we meet young samurai Jin Sakai, who must defend his homeland, the titular island of Tsushima, from an invading Mongol army.

Right off the bat, the shift in time period and milieu to 13th century Japan is notable because Sucker Punch handles it so brilliantly, especially for the team’s first foray into the samurai genre. Japanese history and culture are woven into every single facet of the game so elegantly and organically that you’d think the team had been developing games set in feudal Japan for the past decade, not sci-fi superhero romps. More than anything, Ghost of Tsushima is a moving homage to Japan, its history, and its people.

The story opens with a massacre. A massive Mongol army, led by the cunning Khotun Khan, storms the beaches of Tsushima and is met by the island’s woefully outnumbered samurai contingent. When the leader of the samurai challenges Khotun to a one-on-one, fair fight, the Khan renounces the honorable gesture in gruesome fashion, literally setting the courageous samurai on fire in front of both armies. The rest of the samurai are obliterated on the beach, while Jin’s uncle, Lord Shimura, is taken prisoner by the Khan. Jin is also fatally wounded but is miraculously nursed back to health by a new ally, a thief named Yuna who needs his help in return.

These opening moments set the tone for the rest of the game. The philosophical conflict between honor and deception is the beating heart of the story and permeates the gameplay in riveting ways. As you fight to take back Tsushima from the Mongols, you can approach enemy encounters in two ways. You can choose to fight honorably, like a true samurai, and challenge enemies to a “standoff,” a quick-reflex mini-game of sorts in which you and one of the baddies face off one-on-one and see who flinches first before one of you slashes his blade through the other. You’ll then have to take on the rest of the enemies all at once, which is no easy task.

The other option is to fight like a “Ghost,” sneaking into enemy camps, killing the bad guys in their sleep, poisoning them, using intimidation tactics to scare them into fleeing battle. It’s an effective way of evening the odds between you and your foes, but it rails against everything the samurai stand for.

Countless games offer the player the option to approach combat either stealthily or head-on. This is far from a novel concept, and in this respect, the combat in Ghost of Tsushima offers little innovation. But what is innovative here is how Sucker Punch has taken the classic device of stealth vs. frontal assault and given it new life by expertly integrating it with the themes of the story.

Jin meets a handful of allies on his journey, each with their own multi-chapter story arcs that delve into their respective backstories. There’s sensei Ishikawa, a master archer whose protege has gone rogue and joined the Mongols. Lady Masako is a warrior and grandmother whose entire family was murdered by the Mongols, though she suspects they may have died after someone close to the family conspired with the enemy.

Each of the characters explores the honor vs. dishonor theme in unique and surprising ways. The dichotomy is most starkly represented in the clash of ideals between Lord Shimura, who is unshakably honorable and would rather die than gain an unfair advantage in battle, and Yuna, who understands that, to beat an enemy who fights dirty, you may have to put honor to the side for the sake of saving your people. Of course, Jin is caught in the middle and struggles to decide what kind of man he wants to be.

Aside from the ties to the story, the gameplay is fun and engaging. The swordplay combines parries and dodging with a more strategic approach to melee, as you try to find ways to build up your enemy’s stagger gauge. You can also use “ghost weapons” to give you an edge in battle, like kunai (throwing knives), smoke bombs, arrows, and more. There are also four stances to master, with each being effective against a different enemy type. Switching between stances is integral to combat and becomes second nature over time. There’s also an insanely cool fifth stance that I won’t spoil here, but it’s spectacularly badass.

Stealthing is strikingly similar to what you’d see in an Assassin’s Creed title (this is a compliment), and the game gives you myriad ways to kill enemies without raising alarms, like throwable wind chimes and firecrackers that allow you to manipulate their positioning or hallucinogenic darts that turn them against each other. Again, this is all stuff we’ve seen before, but it’s pulled off well here.

Release Date: July 17, 2020 Platform: PS4 Developer: Sucker Punch Productions Publisher: Sony Interactive Entertainment Genre: Action-adventure

Unfortunately, there are little gameplay flaws that needled at me, especially in the later hours of my playthrough (it took me around 45 hours to finish the game). The swordplay requires quick reflexes, and mastering parries and dodging is absolutely pivotal to your survival. The problem with the swordplay is subtle, and a little difficult to explain, but I’ll say it like this: in most games that are particularly challenging, when I die, I feel like it was my fault because I made a mistake, I just wasn’t fast enough, I hadn’t mastered certain skills. But on many occasions in Ghost of Tsushima, I felt like I died because the game didn’t give me a fair shot, like it was the game’s fault that I failed, not mine. It’s possible that I just wasn’t very good at the game, but it felt at times like I wasn’t given a choice in the matter. Your mileage will vary with the game’s difficulty level.

There are other things that bugged me, too, like the unreliable climbing mechanics (I swear, sometimes hopping onto a rope or branch that’s literally right in front of you is way, WAY too difficult). But overall, I had a great time playing the game and felt super powerful by the time I’d filled out my skill trees, which is no surprise considering the game was made by the same folks who made Infamous.

On a nuts and bolts gameplay level, Ghost of Tsushima doesn’t feel all that unique — there is some very familiar open-world stuff here. But on a presentation and storytelling level, the game is out-of-this-world amazing. Visually, the game looks stunning. The late-stage PlayStation 4 graphics really deliver, and coupled with the strength of the art design, Ghost of Tsushima is a true head-turner. The character models look fantastic and can emote on a level that supports the drama of the story. And while the different suits of armor that Jin acquires offer unique gameplay perks, I honestly just collected and upgraded them almost exclusively as an aesthetic indulgence. They look so freaking cool.

But the real stars of the show are the environments, which look picturesque from every conceivable angle. The wind-swept, verdant hills of Tsushima are intoxicatingly pretty, to the point where I’d get caught up ogling for minutes on end at the smallest of details, like the way the moonlight bounces off blades of grass or the way Jin kicks up crimson-red leaves that have blanketed the ground over time. I could go on forever about the dynamic day/night cycle, the beautiful rendering of different fabrics and materials, the horse animations. But instead, I’ll just say that this is the most breathtaking game, visually, that I’ve seen in recent memory.

A lot of love also went into infusing the game with Japanese cultural references, particularly in how the developers pay homage to the samurai genre. Each mission, for example, is bookended by cinematic intertitles that evoke old samurai cinema, Japanese characters, and all. But without a doubt, the most obvious/most amazing homage is “Kurosawa Mode,” which presents the game in black and white, with one of the best film grain filters I’ve ever seen in a game, resulting in an experience that looks almost exactly like a film from the iconic Japanese auteur’s oeuvre, right next to Sanjuro and Seven Samurai. If you’re a long-time fan of Kurosawa, turning the mode on may even elicit an “I’m not crying…you’re crying!” response — it’s that pretty.

I initially intended on playing the entire game in Kurosawa mode but quickly realized that it would be problematic to do so for a few reasons. Some missions require you to “follow the (insert color) flowers,” which is obviously impossible in black and white. And in combat, blockable enemy heavy attacks are signaled by a blue glint, while unblockable ones have a red glint. Combat is tough enough as it is, so…yeah. I only turned the mode on when I was riding on my horse through the countryside and I felt like treating myself to some eye candy.

Taking time to smell the cherry blossoms and have a respite from the game’s many missions and side missions is crucial because Ghost of Tsushima is a long, long game. The missions aren’t overly repetitive — most of them feel really special actually, like when you climb a mountain in freezing cold weather and must race from campfire to campfire on your ascent, or one armor quest comprised of several one-on-one duels with straw hat swordsmen scattered about the map, each with a distinct personality. But 40-plus hours is 40-plus hours, and while the main tasks of infiltrating enemy camps, liberating farms, and searching for special gear can lead to questing fatigue at the tail end of the game, the nice thing is is that you can always slow things down and just enjoy the scenery to break things up. There’s even a nifty photo mode to play with, and if any game warrants a photo mode, it’s this one.

Jin’s story isn’t just a means to an end, or a lazy excuse to drag the player from gameplay scenario to gameplay scenario. The story is incredibly well written and profound in its messaging and imagery, so much so that I believe it’s one of the best modern entries in the samurai genre, regardless of medium. All of the characters you meet and the little tales that unfold across Tsushima are filtered through Jin’s inner struggle with what honor really means and whether or not it’s worth dying for, which gives the story an incredibly strong narrative backbone. Despite the game’s epic scope, Jin’s journey actually feels quite intimate and personal. The same could be said of Kurosawa’s best work, and that’s just about the highest compliment I can give.

The post Ghost of Tsushima Review: A Beautiful Homage to Akira Kurosawa appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[jodellejournals]

little mermaid days

an hour away from my hometown city, a municipality called san joaquin peacefully exists and humbly thrives. it is located at the southern tip of iloilo and it was way back 2005 when we spontaneously walked on its shores until we found an empty lot. it was love at first sight at the scenery that struck us so my tita bought that piece of land. a year later, it became our family beach house. long weekends, summer breaks, birthdays, and anniversaries started to be spent and celebrated there and so it became a home away from the city where i lived my little mermaid dreams. as some of you know, i have always been fascinated by mermaids and their happy-go-lucky life — just swimming, brushing their hair with forks, being friends with crabs and almost all sea creatures, and away from the harsh and cruel human world. i’m such an escapist, i know, but that’s who i am. i have mentioned in one of my previous entries that my favorite disney princess is ariel from the little mermaid so living in a beach house during weekends made me feel like one. thankfully, no ursula was there but only eels. and sometimes, they come for free. a family friend of ours who does business in the area gives us free seafood and we all know it tastes better when it’s free! but i don’t eat eels! they’re not my thing. i only enjoy fresh fishes and prawns. they’re good although i am allergic to the latter one. i am scared of how oysters look like, on the other hand, so i just pass them around. that’s too much food already so let me share to you instead how life was like in the sea side.

usually, we’d leave our ancestral house in the city by 8am although we have originally planned to depart at 7am. filipino time, you know. if there will be plenty of us (cousins from first to third degrees, extended aunts and uncles, nieces and nephews who were tagged along, and some househelp), we’d go in three batches. if we’re a small bunch, one or two batches would be enough. i always pick the car where cousins my age were at and i’d be lounging in the backseat with my pillow, a bag of cheetos or chippy, bottled water, and earphones. life is good. and i’m all set for a cozy hour of car ride. bye-bye, city! whilst on the road, i’d always (and i mean always), look in the window as if i’m in a summer adventure movie like aquamarine. the usual sights were centuries-old churches, spanish colonnial houses, pastry shops, local malls and resorts. all of which were very familiar to me since i grew up passing by them but they still seemed anew each time i laid my eyes. i marveled at my city. it is such beauty. there is really no place like home. then thirty to forty minutes later, my eyes were greeted by palm trees, zigzag roads, little nipa restaurants, and just a bit further, the glittering sea under the piercing rays of sun came into our perfect view. san joaquin, being a southern municipality, is abundant in natural resources. so the closer you get there, the closer you are to mother nature. it’s like a secret hiding place for me — almost like narnia — where i can unwind with birds, fishes, cows, and dogs to name a few. some cows were literally on the road so we make sure that we don’t go way too fast even if there’s no traffic. cows have their agendas, too, so let’s not get in their way. then if we’d get a bit hungry because breakfast was usually prepared upon arriving at the beach house, we’d stop over at a famous bakery shop called nang palang’s pies. a trip to san joaquin is usually never completed without buying boxes of their signature buko pie. delicious, warm, and well-suited for the tropical weather. i’d take half-bites so as to not be full when real breakfast arrives. then after attempts of dozing into a nap and avoiding cows and their agendas, we’d finally arrive at our vacation home.

upon opening the car door, the crashing sound of the waves welcomed us warmly and the buzzing of the crickets, too! i can already feel my tan slowly coming out of my skin. i don’t know why but beaches make everything seem glisten and glitter. the air smelled of fresh leaves and trees mixed with saltiness from the sea. i love that earth smell! by that time, i’d instinctively hear the sea calling my name. it’s shining there few steps away from me, after all. no worries mr. sea, me and my cousins were already in our swimsuits. we were that excited and ready. we have learned from previous visits to be always prepared with the right attire because the sea calling exempts nobody. and the bangka at the shore (that is usually a property of our caretaker) only tempted us more to go for a sunny boat ride. the adults could no longer do anything if we jumped in and rowed that boat! forget the sunscreen, the little children in us back then used to not care much about our skin. playtime was more important and twice the fun at the beach. so one time, my mother called us for breakfast but we were already dipped in the not-so-deep blue sea and basked under the yellow san joaquin sun. too late, chocolate!

but if she triumphed in stopping us, me and my cousins would have an afternoon swim instead. by 3:30pm, usually refreshed from our nap, we were in the perfect mood to be little mermaids. folding chairs in happy colors perched at the shore and tall beach umbrellas stood firmly. now we have sandy toes that made us forget our childish woes. we’d create sand castles or write our names in the sand using sticks. it would stay there for the sky to look upon until a giant wave would wash them all away. gone was any trace of our masterpiece but that’s okay, we always love the sea. then some children at our age would pass by us. they hold with them crystal bottles that looked like one of those that ursula had with potion, weirdly-shaped but pretty-colored stones, kites, and biscuits or chips. i guess it’s their playtime, too. no, they’re not lost wandering anywhere the wind takes them but local residents just roaming around their village. yes, our beach house was at the sea side where many houses of the locals stood firm. when we talked to those children about the place, they knew every twist and turn, how long it would take to get to the next island or village, or how much the goods there cost. these children, small they may be, but mighty is their knowledge. i could not even commute properly until now without asking for some guides and directions! but them, they are like dora’s map that memorized each corner by heart. how wonderful are the lives of these people? living by the sea, breathing fresh air, and swimming in the waters anytime they want. they do fishing for a living and it’s not even a nine-to-six job. clearly, there is work-life balance. the best things in life are indeed, free. so why do we even picture a life in the city? a simple life calls for a simple way of living. but jodelle, you know deep down inside, that each parent wants their children to live a life with the best things that this world has to offer. how? by getting a good education, earning money, investing on insurance, building your own place, exploring countries, and meeting new faces to name a few. that’s how it’s always been painted to us. but what if, once in a while, we just retreat to nature and immerse in a homemade and handmade kind of life? i’d gladly consider that option.

anyway, going back to my story, me and my cousins would start swimming by 4pm right after our encounter with the locals. for me, it’s the ideal swimming time because there was no more blazing heat but only breezing winds. and it would not also be long enough until it’s sunset o’clock! so one afternoon, i laid down by the shore wearing my navy blue swimsuit with yellow flowers on it and my back felt the soft sand and each time the waves kissed the shore. relaxing, soothing, calming. i can just stay here forever, i remember thinking. and while laying there, my only view was the clear sky. it was not blue that time but clear white with some fading yellows on the sides from the noon that has passed. how vast is this celestial body? does it ever end? the world is so big and i felt so small — but free as well. then a flock of chirping birds came into my view and i didn’t mind. i enjoyed them, in fact. they seemed so happy and at peace. isn’t it beautiful how bodies of water, vast skies, and living creatures just harmoniously coexist together? god really created everything perfectly. i stayed laying there a bit longer and saw the sky changed to a different shade in its own pace. just like us humans. another thought came across my mind but it was a bit silly. wild guess? i pretended the sand was snow and created a sand angel! it was not that bad upon checking the outcome. shortly, i called my cousin, dianne, and told her my blissful and happy experience. i can’t be selfish and enjoy the wonders of the shores all to myself, right? so she also laid beside me, created her own sand angel, and we looked up to the sky above, enjoying our moment of peace and quiet. we closed our eyes for a bit and meditated. just two pisces girls being spiritual. but not too long though, because strong waves took us back to our reality.

by that time, the sun was already setting and hues of oranges, pinks, and purples painted the sky. i’m not a swimmer so i just sat at a huge rock in the waters, pretended i had a tail, and parted my wet hair into half just like how mermaids do it. i’d look at the horizon, check ships from afar, observe small boats nearby, and when i look down on my toes, little nemos were there happily swimming. being in nature really makes me feel alive. then as we came out of the waters, the fishermen were also docking their bangkas and pulling their fishing nets. they had a bountiful catch which was enough to feed their family. that signaled me and my cousins that it was time to wash up in the bathroom for dinner will soon be served. expectedly, our viand would be grilled fish to be dipped in soy sauce, calamansi, and chilli peppers and we’d pair it with warm sticky rice. when we were full, we’d leave the ground floor for the adults to play mahjong and climb our way to the second floor to share stories. sometimes, we’d play cards or read books through our iphones. The television did not appeal much to us when we were there. and when midnight came, we’d munch on a bag of doritos for snacks and drink leftover red wine that was usually from our previous visit. all while the airconditioner was on full blast. i miss that kind of comfortable. a little bit later, we’d turn off some of the lights but it wasn’t completely dark. the moon that shone above was enough to give us light and it seeped through our room that was guarded by a sliding glass door. it overlooked the sea 24/7 and we never got tired of that view. when daylight came, there was no need for an alarm clock because the sound of the ocean waves that sweetly lulled us to sleep last night would gently wake us up in the morning sun, too. coming with the terms of nature and its cycles enabled me to be aware of what part of the day it already was. so that’s when i knew it’s time for brunch because the sun was way too high up in the sky. we’d then go on with the day just like how we spent yesterday until we were due to be back in the city.

oh, happy times. it was simpler back then. it used to even feel like days would always be like that forever but look at me now. i’m miles away from where i consider home and “living” a so-called adult life “the way it should be” — working at the office, paying insurance, constructing emails. all those stuff. when did life become like this? did i forget how to have a heart and eyes of a child? i hope not. but being in your twenties can easily get you in a trap especially if there is no time to take a pause and reflect. sometimes, it’s easier to be just a child — forgiving, carefree, light-hearted, full of wonder, and pure in every way. all would be well again after a good cry. but then i have always known that i can forever remain a kid at heart no matter how old i age. i just have to make sure that she’s within me safely guarded at all costs so the world would never harden her. i am glad she still remains soft when i look at her closely. she still has those eyes full of wonder with a carefree heart that carries happy childhood memories from her little mermaid days.

[thehangeddemon]

New Year, New Beginning || Maximus & Xavier

Maximus: Maximus hadn't expected his master to linger past the usual time, regardless of being New Year’s Eve. Expectation was of a quiet evening, reading a new book, working on his scrimshaw with silence as his company.

For the sake of the non-holiday, champagne had been dropped in ice on the neighboring table in the dining room. Something for his master to enjoy with lemon meringue angel cake. A light and less extravagant ending to 1956.

"Is there something specific you would like for me to lay out for tomorrow, m'lord?"

Xavier: Xavier had briefly considered going to the New Year's gala at the Plaza in New York and engaging in his yearly bout of festive debauchery but at some point he had changed his mind. Staying home and enjoying the quiet and Maximus' presence seemed infinitely more appealing.

He sat back and considered with a hum. "I am going to be completely predictable and request Yorkshire pudding."

Maximus: His servant would be caught smiling, quickly turning his attention elsewhere to save himself.

Xavier: Maximus didn't save himself quite quickly enough. Xavier definitely caught a glimpse of that smile.

"I would also like to request a roast to go with it. A hearty meal to start the year."

Maximus: "Yes, m'lord." He did his best to swallow the smile. Going so far as to slide his gloved finger over his lips.

Xavier: “And in case I haven’t said it, you’ve outdone yourself with this cake. I never liked meringue when I was younger but you’ve converted me.”

Maximus: "Thank you, m'lord." He paused, composed himself. "About tomorrow, what...clothes would you like for me to lay out?"

Xavier: "I leave that to your discretion. I have nothing planned for tomorrow except consulting guidebooks. I'd rather like us to spend part of the winter abroad."

Maximus: "Abroad... m'lord?" He'd caught himself somewhere between "sir" and "master".

Xavier: He nodded. “Indeed. Italy perhaps, or Greece. Someplace warm and scenic.”

Maximus: "I've...never been to Greece." As though his master would care. But he would, wouldn't he?

Xavier: Of course he would. He was Xavier.

“Well then that settles it. We shall be going to Greece. Santorini perhaps.”

Maximus: "Are... you chasing warm weather?" It wasn't that he had caught himself. He had actively wanted to say 'we'.

Xavier: “We are indeed.” Xavier’s ‘we’ was second nature at this point. Whatever he did and wherever he went, it would be with Maximus. “Winter gets extremely tiresome after January.”

Maximus: It's my favorite season.

"Change of scenery, but will it not be just as cold?"

Xavier: “Greek winters are very mild along the coast, as are Italian ones. Perhaps we could visit both.”

Maximus: In the meantime, he would top off his champagne.

"May I ask you something personal, m'lord?"

Xavier: “Always.”

Maximus: An answer which was given a brief, appreciative smile. "What were you... expecting, in a servant?"

Xavier: Xavier sipped his champagne and contemplated Maximus' question.

"To be frank, I didn't give it much thought. I wanted someone who was capable and efficient. Those two things were paramount. Plenty of demons are perfectly useless and that is not who I need in my life or in my home."

He smiled. "I not only ended up with someone very capable and wonderfully efficient, you're also a magnificent cook and have impeccable taste."

Maximus: "I'm honored, m'lord. Thank you." The polite and proper response. He felt the neck of the champagne bottle. "Am I... satisfactory? In all things?"

Xavier: His smile softened. "You're beyond satisfactory, in all things. I couldn't imagine sharing my home with anyone else."

Maximus: Careful, Xavier. You'll make your servant blush. "May I ask... more questions?"

Xavier: "As many as you like, my dear."

Maximus: Oh. His eyes briefly closed. "Forgive me. I don't believe I have the ... articulative skills for my next question. Do you... intend to find... a companion?"

Xavier: "A romantic companion, you mean?"

Maximus: "Yes, m'lord. That's what I mean."

Xavier: "I haven't had what could be considered a proper romantic companion since I was human. I've had my...dalliances of course, but I've never been after anything serious." Until now. Until you.

Xavier made sure he was looking Maximus in the eye when he said, softly and deliberately, "I have all I need."

Maximus: He would rather not imagine how a demon would manage romance. Not any but Xavier. A gentleman with his humanity supposedly intact.

And the way he stared, confident and deliberate, sent a wave of heat throughout his body and back into his stomach. Maximus moistened his lips and broke their gaze.

"Do you, m'lord? There will be... dalliances in Greece?"

Xavier: "Yes, I do, Maximus." Another sip of champagne. "There will be stunning vistas and food and perhaps some shopping for magical artifacts." No dalliances unless they were with a certain demonic butler.

Maximus: Perhaps best to move the subject forward. Not to think too much. This had been an indulgence, leafing through his master's intentions to prepare himself for having to share his time and affection.

I have all I need, he'd said.

Stop it.

"Are you hunting for a specific artifact?"

Xavier: "Not particularly. If memory serves there are several very intriguing markets in Greece that have yielded interesting things in the past for me. There's old, old magic in Greece."

Maximus: "And the people there? Anything like the book, or its owner?"

Xavier: "Oh, you'll love the Greeks. They're frightfully vivacious. And loud," he added with a chuckle.

Maximus: "I don't need more Aellos in my life, m'lord," he smiled.

Xavier: Xavier chuckled. "Hear bloody hear. There will be none of that, and if there is, we'll get something creative at the market to deal with it."

Maximus: "More salt and another barrel." Comfortable enough to joke, however mild, however brief.

Xavier: Mild and brief, perhaps, but significant coming from Maximus.

"We can perform miracles with those two things," Xavier said with a grin. "Let us sincerely hope we won't have to."

Maximus: "If you don't mind my saying, you deserve happiness, m'lord. I don't... know every detail as to what made you, but I don't believe I'm wrong."

Xavier: If you only knew, Xavier thought. No one who knew anything about who he had been as a human would ever think he deserved any sort of happiness.

"Well, one way or another, I'm getting it. I committed my sins, I was punished for them, and here we are in this well-appointed mansion."

Maximus: Maximus would listen, should he feel inclined to confess. Those gray eyes were inviting Xavier to lay every secret in his confidence.

"And shall your good fortune continue, m'lord."

Xavier: In due course, perhaps he would. He had a feeling Maximus would truly listen without judgment. What a novel thing that seemed.

"Let us hope and toast to it so it might be so. Pour yourself some champagne, it's a holiday."

Maximus: Months of his master's consistency taught him not to protest. An extra glass had been left out in case. No more hesitation or insistence that he shouldn't.

Expertly poured. Very little remained in the bottle.

"Was the Plaza doing anything tonight, m'lord?" Still willingly encouraging his debauchery and pairing elsewhere.

Xavier: The glass was noted with a smile. Progress.

“They are, yes. They host a New Year’s Eve gala every year. Food, music, free flowing champagne. It’s quite the scene.”

Maximus: "There's still time."

Xavier: “Next year perhaps. The thought of being lost in a sea of drunken humans, while amusing, is exhausting.”

Maximus: "Surely, a witch or vampire would be amongst them."

Xavier: "I'm sure there are. A night like tonight seems like the ideal hunting time for vampires."

Maximus: "Have you met one, m'lord?"

Xavier: "A vampire? Yes," he said with a nod. "I try to steer clear of them but I have met a couple. It was...interesting."

Maximus: Maximus simply nodded. So long as his master did not ask, his lips were sealed.

"To the new year, then."

Xavier: Xavier smiled and toasted his butler. "To the new year. May it bring wealth beyond all reason and no Russian demons."

Maximus: "To a lack of Russian demons." A breathy laugh to follow before taking a polite sip.

Xavier: Truly the best and most heartfelt toast ever conceived. Russian demons were officially the bane of his existence, and he rather suspected Maximus felt the same.

"I believe I will have more cake, and I invite you to join me for it in the library."

Maximus: This winter, Maximus would be facing his own bane, thanks be to his master's inclination for a milder climate and olives.

"Very good, m'lord." A tray would be made, then. Another bottle of champagne, rather than coffee, tea, or brandy.

Xavier: Maximus would be greeted to Ella Fitzgerald playing on the record player and a roaring fire in the fireplace when he entered the library. How far this room had come since Xavier had taken up residence. Thank Hell.

“I was thinking we should take our trip around the middle of February. Thoughts?”

Maximus: Maximus paused in the threshold of the library, enjoying the view of man rather than inanimate objects.

The tray was placed on the usual table by the chair.

"As I have never been, I cannot say. I will go where you permit me."

Xavier: “You’ll have free rein, provided you promise to stay away from apparitions of beautiful women in places they shouldn’t be. They’re spirit creatures and they will try to eat you whole.”

Maximus: "I forget, m'lord, am I older than you?" He dared another tease.

Xavier: Xavier laughed. “You are, but a little warning is never amiss. They can make themselves look terribly real.”

Maximus: "You think I would be easily swayed, m'lord?"

Xavier: "No, I just think spirits can be terribly effective. I say this to you as someone who nearly got eaten and had been warned beforehand."

Maximus: "By a woman?"

Xavier: "A woman and two--three men. I think. Memories of that week are very hazy."

Maximus: Well, he was back to being confused. Best not to attempt at understanding. For his own sanity.

"I see."

Xavier: "Apparently there are some that take whatever form their victim will be most attracted to, but I've never taken the time to find out. For my own safety," he added with a chuckle.

Maximus: And that image was a woman. His shoulders lost an inch of rigidity. "Will that be all, m'lord?"

Xavier: "As much as I'm sure you'd like to get on and enjoy the holiday your own way, indulge me and share some more champagne and cake with me."

Maximus: If his master wanted company, then so be it.

"Would you like for me to remove my gloves?"

Xavier: "I would, but only if you wish to."

Maximus: Then he would do so, slowly, left then right, placed on the tray next to the ice bucket. The act itself was intimate without meaning to be. Forever in love with hands, treated sacredly, even his own.

"Another?" From a clean flute.

Xavier: Xavier watched every movement as intently as if Maximus had removed his shirt. No one, not the creatures that had tried to kill him or anyone at the Plaza, could capture his attention like this man.

He nodded, entranced. "Yes, please."

Maximus: Maximus had noticed that gaze, and wondered what was behind it. He just wasn't sure, and never had been. His signals were crossed again and again.

"Was there something... specific you wanted from me, m'lord?"

Xavier: So many things, his eyes said.

"Just you," he said softly, casually. Meaningfully. "And your company."

Maximus: "M'lord," there was warning in his tone that he didn't intend. His servant cleared his throat.

Xavier: Xavier just smiled gently. "Sit and listen to Ella with me. Drink champagne and have cake. We've seen yet another year on this mortal coil. That deserves to be celebrated."

Maximus: Then he would do as commanded, cutting the cake into four and taking a seat by the fire. His spine was still a bit stiff, but that was to be expected.

Xavier: It certainly was. As much as Xavier wanted to make his intentions clear, he didn't want to push Maximus too much too soon or make him uncomfortable. He'd no doubt had enough of that from the other masters he'd served and Xavier didn't want to be that. He didn't want to be them.

Xavier took a bite of cake and leaned back in his chair with a sigh of contentment.

Maximus: Xavier - Master Atlas, had wanted company, and yet knowing so could not loosen Maximus' tongue. Not the way it seemed his master wanted. He wished for more forward communication, rather than this palpable air between them he could not shake.

"Are you finished?" He gestured towards the empty plate.

Xavier: As Xavier sipped champagne and listened to Ella's voice echo in the library, he contemplated how to proceed. If he was too forward, he ran the risk of scaring Maximus away. If he wasn't forward enough, they would forever remain in this limbo of tension and unspoken feelings.

Feelings he was almost certain were mutual.

He nodded at his butler's question. "Yes, thank you." A beat of silence. Two. "Maximus, can I ask you something? I won't look at you while you answer if that would make you feel more comfortable."

Maximus: Maximus was in the middle of preparing their used dishware for the tray when his master said his name, causing him to freeze.

His hands returned to his lap.

That consideration which left him so utterly confused and -

"I am yours to ask anything."

Xavier: “Very well,” Xavier said with a nod. Now to be as delicate as possible while also being direct.

“Am I right to assume that you sense...something between us?”

Maximus: Oh. A question to straighten his spine.

Aello had given much away in regard to his feelings. It was childish, as all of his thoughts regarding his master were. Spun by some romanticized notion of love shattering servitude. He could beg a wraith long since ascended to remove his feelings, but there they were, on an open palm ready to be crushed by a younger demon. Made obvious by the tension in his muscles, and the wince in his expression, gone as quickly as it had appeared.

"Whatever it is you want of your servant, m'lord, you shall have."

Xavier: “That wasn’t an answer, Maximus.” Xavier’s voice was gentle and patient without being condescending. He knew the state and mindset of the world they lived in. Knew that in any other circumstance, asking that question would invite peril and shame and fear.

But they no longer lived inside the confines of human law and morality. They were demons, but in being so they were free.

“I ask because I sense something between us. Something that appeals to me.”

Maximus: This was what he had wanted to hear, and yet everything in his soul, fractured like filigree, reminded him that every daydream was just that, fantasy.

Maximus swallowed hard. "Appeals?"

Xavier: He nodded. "Yes. My feelings for you aren't merely those of lord to butler or even friend to friend. They go beyond, into a desire for what you called romantic companionship. Please forgive me if I'm being too forward."

Maximus: There was much to unravel there, which left Maximus embarrassingly silent. Demonic, but warmth still reached his cheeks, his body as responsive as it had been in the 19th century.

But he could not manage to speak.

Xavier: "The promise I made to you when we met still holds true. I won't pressure you or hurt you. You will not be forced into anything, you will not be punished if you say no. And you can say no. If you're uncomfortable with any of this, even this conversation, I want you to say no." He was a thief and a liar and a murderer, but not a rapist. Not in this life or his human life.

"Please, feel free to tell me to be quiet or change the subject or never broach it again. But if you feel what I think you do, know that it isn't unrequited."

Maximus: Maximus stared into the fire, willing himself to sort his thoughts and Xavier's proposal. It seemed unfinished. Pieces missing which were key, but perhaps due to his age he had not considered. Perhaps they were non-negotiable.

"You don't...know what you offer, m'lord."

Xavier: "I was very fortunate I was hanged for murder and not sent to prison or worse for loving men, but perhaps that's not what you mean?"

Maximus: Thick black lashes pressed to his cheeks. "Am I still to serve you, sir, after you've finished with me?"

Dirty plates and silverware were gathered before standing. He was not running away. Simply busying himself.

"Indulging in our whims, you could disown me. Doing so, I will be forced elsewhere."

Xavier: "You aren't disposable to me, Maximus. If I wanted something disposable with someone who didn't matter to me beyond a few hours or even a day or two, I would be at the plaza. I don't want to be at the Plaza. I want to be here with you, regardless of what we do or don't do. If we don't do anything, that's fine." He took a deep breath. "I know you have more reason than most to fear the aftermath of a refusal. I know it will take more than words to assuage that fear and I'm ready to give you whatever you might need."

Maximus: "You didn't answer my question," given in the same manner as he'd received minutes ago.

Xavier: "This is my home and you're part of my home. Yes, I would like you to stay but I will not force you to stay if being here isn't what you want."

Maximus: His eyes closed again. "I see what you're doing."

Xavier: "What is that?"

Maximus: You won't admit it, will you? He turned back towards his master. Back to...Xavier.

Xavier: Maximus could have asked him absolutely anything in that moment and Xavier would have answered, and everything about his expression and his body language said so.

"Tell me what's on your mind," he said softly.

Maximus: Either this was real, or Xavier Atlas was more clever than the last demon with honeyed words and a promise. Knowing all of this, he still had nothing to do with that information.

"What did I do...?" Knowing the whys and whats would do nothing, either.

Xavier: This was very real. Only time would tell if Maximus would believe that. "What did you do to attract me?"

Maximus: Only the slightest nod in response.

Xavier: "You're a handsome man, Maximus. You're intelligent, enjoyable company. I like your sense of humor, subtle as it is. I feel comfortable around you and I don't feel truly comfortable around many."

Maximus: He felt his pulse behind his teeth and in his ears, a sound threatening to drown his master's voice.

"You want to....love me?"

Xavier: "Yes, if you'll let me."

Maximus: "Someone else...said that...years ago."

Xavier: "Was it a positive experience for you?" Xavier asked quietly. He had to fight not to whisper. This all felt so delicate.

Maximus: His eyes fell to his naked hands. "He... asked to love me. Begged me, more like. He was -" beautiful. "I asked him the same questions. He said all the right things...to set me free. I don't think he was aware of what he had done. The last I saw of him, was with a knife and bowl in his hands."

He dared look up to study the man still in his chair.

Xavier: Xavier took another deep breath. Not an experience from Maximus' human life then. He'd almost hoped it had been, because then there was at least some hope that it had been nice for him.

"You wanted to see if I would do the same."

Maximus: His master would only know enough to make grander assumptions. There was far more history than he cared to list. Words he cared not hear or associate with himself. Reasons which had forced him into this position. Upon entry through the black gates, the word which was sung in chorus in his honor. Coward.

"You could say and mean every word, and it would not change the outcome," Maximus said politely.

There was a pause, and if Xavier were to look, he would find his servant's back to him, trying to make his champagne flute sing.

Xavier: He was looking. He hadn't stopped looking since Maximus had stepped into the room.

"What do you think the outcome would be?"

Maximus: "I've said before, m'lord." That I wish you would just get it over with. That you, with your humanity, would hurt more than any other.

Xavier: "You think I'm going to hurt you." And that even if he meant it, nothing he could say would change that.

Maximus: "You already do."

Xavier: Xavier’s brow immediately furrowed in concern. “I’ve hurt you?”

Maximus: "Yes, m'lord."

Xavier: “What have I done that hurt you?”

Maximus: He could not look at him. Xavier would only be given his back. And silence, for as long as he was able.

He shook his head.

Xavier: Xavier waited a moment or two before sighing internally. He had tried to be so gentle and so careful and it hadn’t been enough. He’d still hurt Maximus, just like all the other demons he’d known.

“I apologize,” he said softly. “Whatever it was I did, I apologize for hurting you.”

Maximus: "You're doing it again," he whispered. A barrier needed to be made. Gloves were returned to his hands.

"M'lord, please..."

Xavier: Apologizing hurt him...his humanity hurt him. It wasn’t one thing he’d done, it was everything he’d done.

Now it was Xavier who fell silent.

Maximus: He would excuse himself, if able, to the kitchen with the tray. A moment to collect himself and his wits. Hands clenched to the edge of the counter.

This was what Maximus wanted. He wanted this man's affection, wanted to believe the denial of Aello was pure. But Mays, Shore, and every demon with the exception of Crawford took and took and made no apology, ignored consent, craved power and a warm body.

It would be minutes before Maximus forced himself to return.

"In three months," he began, standing at the threshold, "you've not punished me once. Not even now, for fleeing. Not for getting trapped in the attic. Not for catching the attention of fae. Not to sell me when opportunity arose. You've not... You've not touched me but once. You're-" His voice was steady, but not without argument. It wanted so much to tremble.

"You're too kind. Too patient. I've been unprofessional and you allow it. I wish your cruelty was familiar."

Xavier: The record had long since stopped. Xavier sat staring into the fire, with only its crackling and the ticking of the clock for company. He'd forgotten it was a holiday, that a new year was upon them and that it was a night for celebration. It didn't really feel like either.

It felt...vaguely familiar. He felt like he'd been here before, just in different circumstances. Sitting and staring into the distance while he wondered what he did wrong was something he'd done before, but other times he'd felt hopeful that eventually he'd come to an answer and either decide not to care or deal with it in some way.

This time was different. Everything he'd done was wrong. Everything he was, was wrong. He'd treated Maximus like an equal and that had hurt him. He'd been gentle and respectful and had hurt him. He'd apologized for hurting him and that had hurt him. So what was he to do?

He looked over as Maximus returned and felt a wave of hopelessness wash over him as his butler spoke.

He'd been kind and he'd been patient and in being both, had hurt Maximus. His lack of cruelty was seen and felt as cruelty. And he couldn't even apologize for it because--

Xavier sighed and slumped forward in his chair. What could he do? What hope could there be of anything after hearing that?

"I went to Hell, and this is what I am," he said softly. So softly it was almost a whisper. "I've never intended to be cruel to you."

Maximus: "But you will, m'lord. I don't want you to, and I do. I want to - I want to love you. I've never felt such confliction as I have to you. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop so I can just know something."

Xavier: He wanted to love him. But he didn’t. Or at least he couldn’t let himself for fear of what might happen.

Xavier couldn’t tell which felt worse.

“What if both shoes have already dropped? I’m laying myself bare to you. Anything you ask, I’ll answer, but I don’t think you’ll believe me. All I can do is offer to let you see inside my head.”

Maximus: "You can't," he said too quickly. He couldn't explain why, but they could not breech that subject.

"But you know...there will always be master and servant between us."

Xavier: Xavier raised his hands briefly in a placating gesture. Message received.

“There will be, yes, but not in this. Master and servant might be what brought us together and how this bind was forged, but it won’t be what defines anything personal and romantic.”

Maximus: "Are you still 'his lordship'?"

Xavier: "I think we've moved beyond that."

Maximus: There was clear hesitation in his eyes. He swallowed again. No amount of breath could catch his lungs, regardless of how steady his chest rose and fell.

"...Xavier." A name gently spoken, testing the waters.

Xavier: The effort was rewarded with a small, genuinely happy smile from Xavier.

"How did that feel?" he murmured.

Maximus: "Not as...terrifying as Aello's spell."

Xavier: "That's a comfort. Is it still a bit terrifying?"

Maximus: Maximus squeezed his gloved hands. "Should it always be." He closed his eyes. "Xavier."

Xavier: "Perhaps with time it'll come more naturally." He sincerely hoped it did. Hearing his name from Maximus' lips felt wonderfully intimate.

Maximus: "How...would you like to move forward from here, m' -" A slow exhale.

Xavier: "Let's play it by ear. This is new territory for us both, including calling me by my name."

Maximus: I've wanted to for weeks. Aello's spell did not lie. I want you. I want you. I don't need you, but perhaps I do. Please, don't be a lie.

"That it is..." Another breath. "Tell me something you want. Make a demand of me, please."

Xavier: “I want you to sit, have more champagne, and tell me which record to play next.”

Maximus: And by being commanded, he would have to obey. There was a freedom in having to do as he was told. Something much older than his species, going back to Baton Rouge and nights under servitude with the best man he'd ever known.

And so, he sat.

"Louis Armstrong?"

Xavier: "Louis it is." Xavier stood to change the record and moments later, the opening notes of La Vie en Rose filled the library.

Maximus: "And now?" he gently asked.

Xavier: “Now we sit and drink and wait.” And digest everything that had been said in the past hour.

Maximus: "We wait," he echoed. Another swallow. So many tonight. So many questions. The knot of confusion, the contradictions of desire. What would tomorrow bring?

Xavier: Xavier nodded and sipped champagne. Sitting and waiting was what he did when things like this transpired. Things that required thought and a course of action.

And if that was the way he felt, he couldn’t begin to imagine how Maximus felt. This evening had been...revelatory.

“We’re not far from the new year now.”

Maximus: "I chilled another bottle. Four, actually, in case you desired company," not my own.

Xavier: "And here we are," said Xavier, smiling. "We're going to finish them all. Are they in the kitchen?"

Maximus: "The last two, yes." And he managed to withhold Lordship.

Xavier: "Excellent." He divided whatever remained of their current bottle between them and set the bottle aside. Not into the ice bucket, however.

A fresh bottle would soon be taking its place, summoned from downstairs.

Maximus: "I can't do that." Maximus managed to smile. "Your correspondence magic is impressive, m'lord." Now that one he hadn't noticed.

Xavier: Xavier chuckled as he opened the new bottle. "It's taken a great deal of practice. One day, I want to be able to summon something from the other side of the world."

Maximus: "I don't see you practice. Perhaps we could make a game of it."

Xavier: He held up a finger and went to his desk, where he unearthed a box from the bottom left drawer.

It was full of rocks, short sticks, leaves, and small dusty trinkets from the attic.

He handed it to Maximus. "I briefly considered summoning cutlery and dishes from the kitchen but thought better of it."

Maximus: His demon looked from the box to his master with a wrinkled brow. He would need an explanation for these things, as he'd never seen these trinkets before to associate them with the attic.

Still, he said, "Thank you for not breaking my dishes."

Xavier: "It would be a shame to damage them. Instead I've been practicing summoning things from the woods and the attic. I found a box with some ashtrays and things forgotten about in the corner so I've also been practicing summoning those."

Maximus: "Are you able to summon living things?"

Xavier: "I can draw small things closer but I can't quite summon them yet."

Maximus: "Draw them?"

Xavier: "If say a butterfly were flying away from me, I can halt its progress and bring it closer to me."

Maximus: "So, you're...utilizing your telekinetic power with correspondence."

Xavier: Xavier nodded. "Indeed. I enjoy testing and expanding my abilities. It makes thievery in particular a very entertaining pastime."

Maximus: "I could teach you my multiplicity spell. How is your Italian?"

Xavier: "Fair to middling. I dare say it might even be passable."

Maximus: "I think you've told me this before. We shall see, if you'd like to learn."

Xavier: "I'd love to. It would certainly endear me even more to Massimo."

Maximus: "Indeed." And to me.

Xavier: “Did you enjoy Italy? Would you like to go back?”

Maximus: "I have an obligation for bias towards Italy. I would love to go back."

Xavier: “We’ll make it a priority. Is there any specific city you’ve always wanted to see?”

Maximus: This was asking a lot from a single night, relevant in Maximus' eyes. He would need to be reminded that his skin was not riding on every answer.

"I would like to see Grosseto, someday."

Xavier: Xavier kept his tone as light as possible. He didn’t want Maximus to feel interrogated. “Is that where your family is from?”

Maximus: "It... My mother, yes." And in answering, Xavier knew more than anyone alive.

Xavier: He nodded and sipped his champagne, letting Maximus have a reprieve from the questions. “If my knowledge of the country doesn’t fail me, I believe that’s in....Tuscany.”

Maximus: "What..." Maximus cleared his throat. "What were... you? Before. Is that - Are you as you were?"

Xavier: "Am I as I was when I was human?" Xavier shook his head. "No. This is a different body, different face. I'm not sharing it with its original occupant, of course, he's long since perished. It's only me in here."

Maximus: "That's...kind of you. I don't know what that must feel like."

Xavier: "Only in the sense that he's not trapped in a mental prison." The circumstances had been...far less kind.

Xavier shrugged. "It took getting used to. It's odd feeling like yourself and being yourself and looking in the mirror to find someone else staring back at you. Although this face isn't too far removed from how mine looked."

Maximus: He wanted to know what he looked like. A photograph, a painting, but he couldn't bring himself to ask. Too much too soon.

"Your father must have told you that I am in my original."

Xavier: “He did mention that briefly. I imagine that either be torturous or...comforting.”

Maximus: "Depends on the person, I suppose, and their master."

Xavier: Which is it for you, Xavier wondered. A comfort or a torment.

“I do miss my old body at times, when I’m feeling nostalgic. But I’ve grown fond of this one.”

Maximus: "How did you find him?"

Xavier: “Through his connection to someone else, to him and to me.”

Maximus: "Did he deserve it?"

Xavier: “He was a tormented soul but no, I don’t suppose he did. That’s why it was quick and painless. He went to bed and simply never woke up. Probably in Heaven now.”

Maximus: "Very good, Xavier." A gentle praise given without eye contact, staring with intent into the licking flames ascending the chimney.

Xavier: Had Maximus been looking at him, he would have seen the surprised look on Xavier’s face.

That was a first. Even though they were both demons, a part of him has been expecting Maximus to chide him—or mildly disapprove—of him having killed a man who hadn’t done anything to deserve it.  Instead he received praise, for what he could only imagine was the way he’d gone about the murder.

“....Thank you,” he said, much more softly than he’d intended.”

Maximus: He couldn't say what the man deserved, as he'd never met the original inhabitant. He had what Xavier gave him. He would always praise the quick and painless, regardless of whatever committed crime.

"Before, when human, please forgive me if you've told me, but were you completely English?"

Xavier: "As far as I know, although my information is limited. My father was born in Yorkshire and I believe his parents were as well. My mother--my real mother--is a mystery."

Maximus: "Yorkshire, m'lord?"

Xavier: "Leeds to be exact. My father and brother were born there, and my hag of a stepmother. We moved to Hull shortly after I was born."

Maximus: "I'm... surprised. I'm not well educated in accents, but I didn't expect yours with North England."

Xavier: "It took years of dedicated effort to rid myself of it."

Maximus: "Is it ridiculed as mine?"

Xavier: "In other parts of England perhaps, but for me it was more a matter of wanting to detach myself from the muck and mire of my life."

Maximus: "If it...takes effort to carry your mask, you needn't with me. I want you to know that."

Xavier: Xavier smiled fondly at Maximus. "After so long, it's become second nature. But I sincerely appreciate it."

Maximus: He wanted to ask his opinion of his accent, but thought better of it, turning back to the fire.

Still no violence, as he'd come to appreciate with Xavier. He wasn't sure what he expected anymore. Tradition and training at odds with his new master's custom.

"Do you dance...Xavier?"

Xavier: Maximus' accent was just one of many things Xavier loved and enjoyed about him. The man was perfect in every conceivable way.

"I most certainly do." He stood and offered a hand. "Would you like to dance with me, Maximus?"

Maximus: He had hoped his question would lead to this. Let it all be a dream which shattered in the morning of 1957, but to have a dance.

Quietly, Maximus got to his feet, managed to look his employer in the eyes. The hand, as warm as he expected, was taken. It was only proper Xavier lead. His chin finally raised as they took position.

Xavier: As Xavier took Maximus into his arms, he was acutely aware of the fact that in all the months they'd been together, this was only the second time they had touched.

Perhaps that was why it felt so intimate to be taking Maximus' hand and pulling him close, even if it was in a perfectly respectable way. They were sharing body heat, sharing breath, sharing the same thrill of closeness as Louis' trumpet serenaded them in the background.

Maximus: Maximus' pale skin could do nothing to conceal his blush, as pale as everything else, softly pink on his cheeks and nose. He could smell Xavier's cologne. He could feel that same body heat from every night unfastening his cufflinks. It was home.

"Are you self-taught?" A question meant for full voice, given closer to a whisper.

Xavier: Xavier couldn’t stop staring. The only time he got to be close to Maximus was during their dressing and undressing rituals so to have this golden opportunity was just...more than he ever could’ve hoped for.

“You could say that,” he murmured. “I learned by observing.”

Maximus: "I'm too old for modern dance, I'm afraid. But if... you'd like for me to learn... "

Xavier: “Owning a television set is as modern as I’d like to be.” He idly stroked Maximus’ back with his thumb.

Maximus: Heavy eyelids fell closed. He could feel that. How gentle. How very Xavier.

"This isn't a lie, is it?"

Xavier: "No, darling, it isn't." Now it was his voice that dropped to a whisper as he marveled at the way Maximus' eyelashes fanned across his cheeks. Such delicate, masculine beauty.

Maximus: "How am I to ever know for certain?"

Xavier: "Don't know. Feel." Feel me, my touch, this moment. Feel my forehead resting against yours as I offer you everything I have to give.

Maximus: A touch which froze his butler in place. Not out of fear, but something else entirely. He was suddenly lightheaded. Another wave of heat washed his entire being. They were dancing without moving, of that he was sure.

"I don't know how," not the way Xavier meant, but he knew he enjoyed this.

Xavier: "You're doing it now," he whispered, letting his eyes close while maintaining that chaste contact. He wanted Maximus to become accustomed to his touch. To willingly seek it. To demand it whenever he wanted.

"Just let yourself bask in the moment."

Maximus: "You say feel." Don't move. Let's just stand here and discuss this. "For whatever reason, one day, you're going to come home upset. By something meaningful or meaningless. You're going to take it out on me. You'll apologize. You'll do this again. You'll do it again."

Xavier: "If I am upset, I'll either let it pass or take it out on some morally bankrupt human or another in the woods. I will apologize, and it will be for you having to get blood out of my clothes. You will never be the subject of my rage."

Maximus: Well, it was more promise than any master had ever attempted. How far was Xavier willing to go, he now wondered.

"You want my... trust in you?"

Xavier: Xavier nodded. "I would like to earn it, yes." Simply wanting Maximus' trust wasn't enough. It wouldn't have been enough for anyone, in any circumstance.

Trust had to be worked for.

Maximus: "Do you want it enough to... ward yourself?"

Xavier: "Ward myself?"

Maximus: Maximus breathed slow and deeply. "If you want my trust... yes."

Xavier: "What sort of ward?"

Maximus: "One in which... you cannot physically strike me." Spells used against him was another matter.

Xavier: "If that would make you feel more comfortable, then yes." He knew that he wouldn't strike Maximus, but Maximus needed to know that as well.

If a ward helped build that trust then so be it.

Maximus: It was in its own right another test. If Xavier had refused, all of this would have been for nothing. A double-edged sword to say the least, but this was the way of demons.

"May we tonight?"

Xavier: Xavier nodded. "Yes, of course. Whenever you'd like."

Maximus: You're not refusing.

Maximus finally leaned back, willing to look Xavier in the eyes.

Xavier: His butler would be met with a gentle, patient smile.

Of course he wasn't refusing. Maximus' comfort was very important to him. Paramount, even.

Maximus: "You're not going to argue that I shouldn't require a ward?"

Xavier: "I know that I don't need a ward, but this isn't about that. This is about your comfort."

Maximus: "And do you think love is built on caution?"

Xavier: "I think love is built on trust, and trust needs to be earned."

Maximus: "M'lord... Xavier." He wanted to step away, but he couldn't bring himself to release any part of his employer.

"I'm still trapped between wanting this, wanting you, and everything before you telling me it's a lie."

Xavier: "That's why I'm not arguing, Maximus. I can tell you all day long that I won't strike you or hurt you, but that won't make you believe me after all the experiences you've had. You need to believe it on your own, and if a ward is what you need to start to believe that, then I welcome the ward."

Maximus: "Then... tonight. If we may, please." And reluctantly, he would release him.

Xavier: Xavier let him go with the same reluctance. "We can do it now if you wish."

Maximus: "I'll have to consult a book." It was a ward he could not place on himself. Several times he had tried. Each time a backfire. A master would always have control of his body. The spell which protected his mind had somehow survived. Either his mind was of little importance, or perhaps the origin of the spell, created by a spirit, meant something. He just didn't know.

"Should we... wait? For midnight."

Xavier: "We can do this as quickly or as slowly as you like, and I don't just mean the ward."

Maximus: The sooner this was over, the sooner I'll be able to trust you. The sooner I'll know if you mean what you say. The sooner I'll see the truth.

"I just... want to begin 57 the right way. What that is, I don't know."

Xavier: "Well then let's begin with this ward. We have enough time before midnight to put it in place."

Maximus: His butler seemed in a sudden daze. His mind somewhere else by the look in his eyes.

Maximus forced himself away, bowed, and excused himself to his quarters for his book.

Xavier: Incredible how in a matter of a single hour, something that had once seemed perfectly normal now felt out of place and strange.

After tonight, Maximus need never bow to him again.

Maximus: His briefcase was well organized, or so he had thought. Though he had a singular focus, he couldn't seem to grasp the book in the black pit of the bag.

Maximus glanced to the door. Head dipped into the bag, submerged in the frustrating hunt. He felt and felt and finally managed to summon the worn brown leather book from its depths.

One more look towards the door, beyond. Some part of him hoping Xavier had followed. Most of him grateful he had not.

Pad, pen, and book on the small table. He began to leaf through his grimoire.

Xavier: Xavier had returned to his chair by the fire as he waited for Maximus. He had briefly considered following but had immediately scrapped that idea. He didn't want to be overbearing and put even more pressure on this situation.

Maximus: Some ten minutes gapped between them, before his butler returned to the threshold.

"We'll need something sharp, charcoal, and a large leaf."

Xavier: "We can get some charcoal from the fire. I have a letter opener in my desk, is that sharp enough?"

As for the leaf, he looked through the box he had showed Maximus earlier to see if he could find a leaf of suitable size among the ones he'd practiced summoning.

Maximus: Maximus eyed the box Xavier retrieved. "It must be foldable. Nothing too dry." The piece of paper he carried was placed on Xavier's chair. He would then reach beyond the hearth for stray bits of black log. He felt the ash between his fingers.

Xavier: "....Would one of the leaves from the peace lily in the dining room work?" It being winter, all the trees with large leaves were completely bare. They would have to limit their selection to the plants inside the house.

Maximus: "We must draw a sigil in your blood, dusted with ash. It must be folded or rolled so that the sigil is unseen, and it must be eaten." To explain the size of the leaf required.

Xavier: "Would...lettuce...be appropriate? Or cabbage perhaps?"

Maximus: "Are they considered... leaves?" He dared to smile, humor and confusion evident.

Xavier: "Surely," Xavier said with a smile of his own. "If not, we'll give the peace lily leaf a go."

Maximus: "Are you ready?" He wanted to say 'my Lord' and Xavier's name simultaneously, so Maximus just decided against both. For now.

Xavier: A moment's concentration, and a leaf of lettuce appeared in his hand. Another moment, and the letter opener from his drawer appeared as well.

"Yes, I'm ready. How much blood is required?"

Maximus: "You're just showing off now," he murmured, the smallest flitted smile followed. "Enough to create this sigil." The paper was offered. The size of a palm would suffice in rendering the required detail. Not terribly intricate. No words from a dead language. Only many tiny symbols. Some of which seemed angelic in structure. Perhaps a nod to Enochian.

Xavier: Xavier studied the sigil. It was unfamiliar, but not too complicated to be painted accurately on a leaf of lettuce.

He sliced into his palm and got to work recreating it.

"How is that?" he asked a few moments later.

Maximus: "It's good." He knew the sigil well enough after so many attempts on himself. Essentially the same spell, only in reverse.

"You must have your intent in mind when you cover the ash, and maintain when you swallow whole."

Xavier: "Understood," he said with a nod. "Is there anything that has to be recited before or after I eat the leaf?"

Maximus: "I'm... not sure. The spell is usually to prevent others from harming the creator. It can be reversed, but I've never had a need of -" Maximus dropped his gaze.

Xavier: "We'll complete the spell as you know it." If necessary they could always test it on someone else and make adjustments if it didn't work.

Maintaining his intent in mind, Xavier completed the spell and swallowed the leaf whole.

Maximus: He couldn't help but be grateful for this man, for his kindness in silence, in not questioning his possession of such spell.

But now, he took a breath. Now, "Please, try to strike me."

Xavier: Even with the spell, the notion of lifting a hand to Maximus felt wrong.

"Can't we find someone else to test it on?"

Maximus: "You're free to ... kill, beat, anyone else. Your intention was... " Another breath. "What were you... thinking when you swallowed the spell?"

Xavier: "My intention was never to harm you."

Maximus: "Then it only matters on me."

Xavier: "It feels wrong to test it on you. I would rather repeat the spell with a random human and test it on them."

Maximus: "Xavier," he said gently. "Please put your intent into your hand and raise it."

Xavier: Xavier sighed. This still felt wrong. What if the ward had failed somehow?

His intent was just going to have to be strong enough to combat any failures.

Sighing again, Xavier put as much intent as he possibly could into his hand and lifted it, only for the intended slap to miss Maximus completely and find his own face instead.

Maximus: Maximus had braced himself for the spell to fail. With each and every attempt he'd made, swallowing the spell and expelling moments later, his expectation was quite low.

But then, Master Atlas slapped... himself?

His butler seemed frozen in place. His eyes were forward but... absent. He was holding his breath. He was doing everything within his power not to laugh.

The corner of his mouth creased, lips tightened.

"Hm." Maximus quickly cleared his throat.

Xavier: "Bloody hell," Xavier muttered, rubbing his cheek that was already stinging from his own slap. That was quite a little spell Maximus had. "I think the ward works."

He looked to his butler and chuckled. "You can laugh."

Maximus: "It's rude," said with blatant effort. He cleared his throat again. Deep breath. It was more than the slap. He was happy.

Xavier: Xavier smiled. "It's not rude if the person being laughed at is also laughing."

Maximus: Maximus suddenly turned his back to his master, walking away to save face. A fluttery breathy laugh no longer caged.

Xavier: His smile grew to the point of aching. No man had ever been so richly rewarded for a slap. He'd suffer a thousand more just to hear that laugh.

Maximus: "I'm sorry. I don't mean - mm." Maximus bit the corner of his lip, tried to breathe, but his giggle returned in full force. "I'm just..."

Xavier: Oh no, please don't stop. I want to hear that sweet laugh for the rest of my life.

"I told you it wasn't rude," Xavier chuckled. "You don't have to apologize."

Maximus: "What - What is this?"

Xavier: "What is what, darling?"

Maximus: That sweet pet name, like a push on his chest. "I've nev - This is completely foreign to me. I'm feeling lost and hopeless, and... I want to continue laughing. If this is all an elaborate joke, let it last five more minutes. It'll carry me through whatever trickery."

Xavier: "That's a great deal of emotion to be feeling in a single evening or hour or moment. But I can assure you, Maximus, this isn't a joke. We're on the cusp of a new year and we're going to ring it in together."

Maximus: How did Xavier expect him to believe this? His actions spoke as loud as his words, but this was simply too much for a single night.

"May I ask something else of you?"

Xavier: "Yes, of course. What would you have of me?" If it was in his power to give it, Maximus would have it.

Maximus: Maximus took a deep breath, chest strong and presented. "I want you to ring in the new year... at the Plaza."

Xavier: Xavier blinked. "You--what? You want me to leave you and go to the Plaza?"

Maximus: "You're young, Master Xavier, and I - I need time to think. I want you to enjoy the next hour." And another test of his freedom.

Xavier: Given everything that had just transpired, it felt wrong to just...leave. He was perfectly happy to leave Maximus in peace but surely that could be achieved if he just went to town or stayed in his room and gave Maximus the run of the house.

"Won't you get transported with me?"

Maximus: "Not if you say otherwise."

Xavier: "Right. So...you want me to go to the Plaza and leave you here." To spend the holiday alone.

Maximus: "And I want you to dance, and drink, and be merry, and... come home... to me."

Xavier: But I don't want to dance and be merry without you.

"...All right then. I'll go."

Maximus: "And you will drink?"

Xavier: "I'd be a sorry Englishman if I didn't."

Maximus: "And dance?" A step closer.

Xavier: "I make no promises."

Maximus: "But you must be merry."

Xavier: "I'll give it my best go."

Maximus: "Promise?" Slowly, Maximus had closed the gap between them. Just a hand-space of separation.

Xavier: "I promise," Xavier murmured, gaze landing on Maximus' lips.

Maximus: Lips which stretched in the smallest of genuine smiles. He caught that fixed stare, and would make no comment. Not an unattractive man by any means, but his own opinion he couldn't determine. Difficult to interpret after years of uncouth dominance from George Mays, of thrown away compliments to lull him into a false sense of confidence and security. He wanted very much to believe those eyes. Now, if they would just leave. Unless, of course, this was a lie, and he had saved himself the trouble of falling in love.

"Midnight," he whispered, returning his gaze back to rich hazel eyes. "Please."

Xavier: Xavier would've given anything to know what Maximus was thinking at that exact moment.

Was he regretting everything that had happened? Was he having second thoughts? Was he still waiting to wake up and find this had all been a dream?

"Midnight...?"

Maximus: "Yes. The first minute of the new year, please come back."

Xavier: "I'll be here, I promise."

Maximus: Xavier would be able to hear the soft swallow, pushing down desires for the sake of caution. Maximus stepped away and bowed. "Enjoy, Master Xavier."

Xavier: "Help yourself to the rest of the champagne," he said softly, sighing internally. "It's a holiday, after all."

Maximus: "Twelve-oh-one." He would wait, standing at rest until Xavier disappeared. He would wait for the familiar void of sensation, before allowing himself to breathe again. Was he truly across the country? Maximus began to check the house, disappearing into town, alone the road, exhausting himself in an effort to find Xavier hiding nearby.

There was nothing. He was allowed this time to think critically.

Xavier: Xavier was indeed across the country, though not at the Plaza.

Instead of cavorting with the drunken mortals at the gala, he'd found a rooftop with a good view of the ball in Times Square. After that, he decided to get some more practice in.

He only hoped there had been a few humans around when an armchair and a bottle of champagne disappeared into thin air.

Maximus: The house busied with life. Two exact copies of Maximus had began cleaning. Something to make him feel useful as he sat in the library, staring into the dying fire, bereft of Xavier's warmth and welcoming voice. He felt over the fresh marks on his hand, allowed himself a moment, felt over the remembrance scar on his wrist. There were no what ifs and should haves on his mind. Only the present. If this was deception, it was his own fault for falling. He felt younger than his years tonight. He knew better, and yet his heart hammered in his chest, felt behind his teeth, in his hands, and in his ears.

Take it out of me, he had begged Emily. He wanted this now. Whatever this was.

How long had he sat there? He didn't realize the fire had died completely. The room had gone cold.

The library and bedroom fireplaces were ignited. Candles from every room of the house were then gathered and placed throughout the library. The last of the champagne... yes. It would be chilled as well. What more? Precious hyacinth were plucked from his garden, carefully tied with twine.

Midnight, and intent was forced on even breathing.

Xavier: This certainly wasn't the New Year's Eve Xavier thought he would be having when he woke up that morning, or even three months ago. The entire world--his entire world--had changed completely in such a short amount of time.

Three months ago he would've been at the ballroom at the Plaza, having had enough champagne to actually inebriate himself, dancing with whatever woman (or women) had caught his eye knowing he'd have them in his bed before dawn and for a week afterward.

Now? He just wanted to go home and enjoy the last moments of 1956 with Maximus.

That was what he was really counting down to. Not the ball dropping or the new year, just the moment he could finally transport back to his library.

The festivities would only be getting started when he finally went back to his library.

His first thought as the scent of flowers and golden light hit him was that he'd somehow ended up in the ballroom at the Plaza.

"Maximus?"

Maximus: Maximus stood behind Xavier's chair, flowers behind his back. His chest heaved with a deep breath.

"I'm here," he greeted.

Xavier: Xavier turned and smiled. "So you are. Happy New Year. The room looks lovely."

Maximus: "How was the party?"

Xavier: “I’m sure it’s still raging.”

Maximus: "You're sure?"

Xavier: “Oh, yes. The well to do citizens of New York will be celebrating into the wee hours.”

Maximus: "Who did you dance with?"

Xavier: "No one. I watched the ball drop from an obliging roof top."

Maximus: "You did - You didn't dance at all?"

Xavier: Xavier shook his head. "I didn't, no. I borrowed a chair and some champagne from the Plaza and had a much quieter party."

Maximus: "Xavier..." Never had a name been said so gentle and so scolding.

Xavier: "Dancing with a stranger just didn't appeal."

Maximus: "You promised to be merry."

Xavier: "I am now."

Maximus: "That's not what we had agreed."

Xavier: "It's hard to be merry when you're not where you want to be. I had a comfortable chair and expensive champagne, I saw some of the fireworks. It was pleasant, but not merry."

Maximus: He wasn't sure what to make of this. His shoulders slacked by an inch. The flowers behind his back were brought to his side.

Xavier: Xavier recognized the flowers from Maximus' garden and smiled. "Have I disappointed you?"

Maximus: "Do you want me to tell you the truth?"

Xavier: "Best to start the year with honesty."

Maximus: "I wanted a recount of your evening. To see and feel... what you experienced. To see... if you would do as I... "

The flowers were carefully placed on Xavier's chair.

Xavier: “To see if I would do what?” Xavier’s voice was soft and apologetic. Less than an hour into the new year and he’d already let Maximus down.

Maximus: "If the master could obey the servant," he smiled.

Xavier: “I did my best. I went to New York and drank, but I am sorry I didn’t dance or partake in any merriment.”

Maximus: "What did you think about, sitting on that roof with your expensive champagne?"

Xavier: “I thought how incredible it was that my life had changed so much in such a short amount of time.”

Maximus: "How short?"

Xavier: “Three months.”

Maximus: "You're being too much." Hardly a scold. Too much blush to give him away.

Xavier: There was that smile again. “Just starting the year off with honesty.”

Maximus: "Or blatant flattery."

Xavier: "Blatant flattery from me is unmistakable."

Maximus: Each time you call me dear.

Maximus swallowed. "Dance with me, one last time."

Xavier: "Who shall we dance to?"

Maximus: "No words."

Xavier: "I know just the thing."

Xavier walked over the record player and put on Glenn Miller's Moonlight Serenade.

Maximus: Maximus smiled. What an excellent choice. His master - His companion? - had good taste.

He offered his hand, and asked, "What am I to call you?"

Xavier: He took Maximus’ hand and got into position. “I’d like for you to call me Xavier, but if you’re not comfortable with that, then whatever feels right.”

Maximus: "We've established that. What I mean is... " His hand came to rest on Xavier's shoulder. "...I'm not sure how to ask my question."

Xavier: “Were you referring to titles?”

Maximus: "Yes, I am."

Xavier: “You could call me your partner or your companion....your inamorato.”

Maximus: Oh. He wanted Xavier's gaze. "And it... is my choice?"

Xavier: He would have it. “Yes. Whichever feels right.”

Maximus: "And I may deny you at any time?"

Xavier: “Yes. You will never be forced to do anything you don’t want to do.”

Maximus: "Did you summon me seeking a... a lover?"

Xavier: “No, it wasn’t my intent.”

Maximus: "And you want to love me." A statement, but so very much did he want to hear Xavier say it again.

Xavier: “Yes, darling, I do. I very much want to love you.”

Maximus: This time, absent self-conscious flinch, Maximus smiled at his pet name.

Xavier: So you do like it when I call you that.

“My darling Maximus,” Xavier murmured, wanting so very badly to lean in and kiss him.

Maximus: With his name? Far too much. His chest rose and fell with two quick breaths. Dancing now with his eyes closed.

Xavier: That was fine. Xavier would just sway them along to the music.

Maximus: The room was both too still and spinning. Too warm and yet frozen. He felt contradictory and ridiculous.

"Are -" His voice was too soft. He tried again. "Are you tired?"

Xavier: Xavier shook his head. “Not terribly. The trip wasn’t very fatiguing.”

Maximus: His hand slowly slid down Xavier's arm, held his wrist, down further to take his fingers.

Xavier: Just what do you have in mind, Xavier thought, letting Maximus take his hand. He could take Xavier's whole arm if he wanted, he'd find no resistance.

Maximus: With that same speed, Xavier was tugged from the library and led towards the stairs. No explanation as the younger demon was led to his bedroom. The fire crackled in greeting. The door was shut behind them. This was a ritual he did not want to lose. It was well past the hour to undress his former master.

Xavier: Xavier smiled when he realized what Maximus' intent was. No matter how the world shifted and changed, he could only hope this ritual would remain the same.

And it would remain the same. Despite what had happened tonight, his darling Maximus would still be stopped when Xavier was undressed from the waist up.

Maximus: There they would stand in that silence. Maximus' hands slowly dropped to his sides.

Tell me something. Do something. Touch me.

"You're going to be tired tomorrow." As though Xavier were human, as though his sleep schedule mattered in the least.

"Thank you for going."

Xavier: "You don't have to thank me," he said softly, daring to take one of Maximus' hands between his own and keeping his hold loose should Maximus want his hand back. "I will do whatever it takes to make you feel comfortable and safe."

Maximus: "Except that."

Xavier: "Except dance and be merry when my heart isn't in it, yes. I apologize for that."

Maximus: "No, although there is that as well. Except... release me."

Xavier: And just like that, Maximus would be released.

"Apologies."

Maximus: "What?"

Xavier: "For being forward."

Maximus: "You..." The demon sighed.

Xavier: "...Ah. You meant from our bond."

Maximus: "I didn't know this side of you."

Xavier: "The romantic side?"

Maximus: "The confuddled side," he managed to say without laughing.

Xavier: Xavier chuckled. "I'm not often...confuddled. I find myself very distracted tonight."

Maximus: "Distracted?"

Xavier: "Yes." He smiled. "By you."

Maximus: "I know tonight is shattering, but what have I done?"

Xavier: “Exist.”

Maximus: You're being too much, those eyes said. "Give me your hand again, please."

Xavier: If only Maximus knew how much more Xavier wanted to say. Perhaps in time he would.

He took that lovely hand again.

Maximus: "Can you focus, Master Xavier?" Perhaps in time, his new companion would understand his sense of humor.

Xavier: He smiled and nodded. "Yes, I'll focus."

Maximus: "We were discussing," he sighed. "I suppose it doesn't matter."

Xavier: "We can discuss anything you deem worthy of discussion."

Maximus: "Then the subject you're having difficulty with."

Xavier: "I don't know that I would call it difficulty." Xavier sighed and brushed Maximus' knuckles with his thumb. "I'm a selfish man, Maximus. I don't want you apart from me, even if this feeling between us goes nowhere."

Maximus: "But it's allowed to go nowhere." Xavier had made promises this day, and days before it. To be scrutinized with just cause.

Xavier: He nodded. "Yes. Should you decide you don't want romantic attentions from me, I'll leave you be."

Maximus: "But, to send me to someone else... ?"

Xavier: “If you wish to leave, I won’t force you to stay.”

Maximus: "You would see the back of me?"

Xavier: “I won’t ship you off for refusing me, Maximus.”

Maximus: "You won't?"

Xavier: “No, I won’t. Your position here is not contingent upon you having a relationship with me. You don’t be dismissed for refusing one.”

Maximus: "... Then," no. Was this really what he wanted? No. "A year."

Xavier: “A year?”

Maximus: "We wait. I want to wait for a year."

Xavier: “You want to wait a year to consider a relationship?”

Maximus: "I don't want to."

Xavier: “You don’t want to wait a year to consider a relationship?”

Maximus: "I don't. But, if you mean what you say... " Maximus shut his eyes. "I want to be sure. We've gone beyond five minutes. It's not a trick yet. But if it is... "

Xavier: Xavier nodded. “I do mean it, but I understand.”

Maximus: "Do you?"

Xavier: Another nod. “I do. It’s as I told you before. I know that I’m serious in the promises I’ve made you and I can tell you every day that I am, but that won’t make you believe it. You need to make that judgment yourself.”

Maximus: "You're asking me to forget everyone before you. Every lie, every command, every touch. Three months, Master Xavier, weighed behind decades of service to whatever had inclination at the time."

Xavier: “I do not fault you for needing time to decide, Maximus. Nor do I blame you. Trust doesn’t develop overnight in the best circumstances, much less the ones you’ve been faced with.”

Maximus: "I wish I didn't feel this way."

Xavier: “I’m sure you do. I wish you didn’t either. I wish there was no reason for you to feel this way in the first place.”

Maximus: Without thinking, a blissful sensation indeed, Maximus hovered his hand beside Xavier's face, felt the warmth of his skin less than an inch from his palm and fingertips.

Xavier: Xavier debated closing his eyes, not wanting to spook Maximus or make him nervous. But he so badly wanted to see what this beautiful man would do next.

Would he touch him? Would he realize what he was doing and let his hand fall away?

Maximus: He realized, and just as the entire evening had been, an inner storm of debate, of right and wrong, of safe and reckless.

His other hand joined on the other side of Xavier's temple.

Xavier: Xavier held his breath. He was afraid to move, to blink. Only the crackle of the fireplace broke the silence.

It felt like absolutely anything could break the delicate spell woven around them.

Maximus: Xavier's every move, no matter the subtlety, was observed and put to memory. Analyzed for the expectant lie. This demon with humanity, the same as him. Almost as vulnerable. No one could command Xavier, his body forced to obey. No one could dismiss this man to be summoned by another within minutes, hours.

"Kiss me," he said without thinking, "and call me that name again."

Xavier: He forced himself to breathe out slowly, to keep his movements unhurried and nonthreatening. As much as he wanted to take Maximus into his arms and hold him close until the sun came up, he knew doing so wasn't an option. One day perhaps, but not now.

He wouldn't be yet another in a long list to treat this man brutally, unkindly.

"My darling Maximus." He leaned in carefully, pressing his lips to Maximus' with the gentlest pressure, pouring as much affection as he could into that sweet, chaste kiss.

Maximus: Those lips were warmer and softer than he had expected. Still devoid of lies, still absent violence. A demon in waiting had not appeared from behind the curtain to seize him. Aello's laugh could not be heard down the grand staircase, shouting fourberie at the top of his great lungs. He felt within himself an obligation for paranoia, as though anything less would dismount every hardship of the past fifty-seven years.

Maximus gave a small, genuinely sensual noise. Those hands finally touched Xavier's face, thumbs followed the sharp line of his jaw.

Xavier: There would be no violence or unpleasant surprise pounced and ready to give Maximus a rude awakening.

There was only the crackle of that fire, and a bottomless well of velvety soft adoration laid at his feet.

Oh. Oh. Now that was beautiful. He would’ve given anything to hear more, feel those hands absolutely everywhere. His darling, beautiful Maximus.

Maximus: Xavier had yet to touch him. On purpose, he would bet, for his benefit. Proof of his control. How far Xavier was willing to substantiate was the question.

The tiniest kiss followed their separation. "Will you be commanded?"

Xavier: It wasn’t so much about proof as it was...apprehension. Xavier wanted to touch Maximus, to feel his warmth pressed up against him, feel the shape of him beneath his clothes.

But no matter how much he wanted it, he refused to cross such an intimate line without Maximus’ permission.

“Ask anything of me and you shall have it.”

Maximus: Another test. These were little games. Dangerous little games with silk layers of meaning.

"Touch me. Touch... my face."

Xavier: Whether they were games or tests was of little consequence to Xavier; he was taking each one with the utmost seriousness.

Slowly, he brought up his hands to cradle Maximus' face.

Maximus: Heavy lids closed with the weight of intimacy. Overwhelmingly at ease with Xavier's nearness, as he had felt for some time now. What an image they must have made, standing there holding each other. How safe he felt. How terrified he was.

A single tear slid hot down his cheek. A shock to his skin.

"I'm sorry."

Xavier: It was wiped away with his thumb. "Whatever do you have to be sorry for?" Xavier said softly.

Maximus: "Please, don't hurt me."

Xavier: "Darling, I'm not going to hurt you."

Maximus: "We shall see." Another tear. "Please, kiss me again."

Xavier: It, too, was wiped away before Xavier leaned in again. His kiss was just as sweet and soft as before, only now it was accompanied by gentle caressing of Maximus' face.

Maximus: Xavier would have no time to catch the twin rivulets accentuating the sharpness of Maximus' cheekbones. His kiss was as earnest as it was tender. The smallest sniffle in between silent breaks of attachment. Xavier was cradled preciously. Pale hands slid their way to the back of his head, holding the demon in place with minimal strength.

Xavier: Xavier wanted so badly to take Maximus in his arms, to hold him tight and go to sleep with Maximus safe and warm in his embrace.

But for now, this was enough. This was more than he ever could've hoped for.

His beautiful, precious Maximus.

"It's all right, my darling," he whispered between kisses. "I'm not going anywhere. You're safe."

Maximus: "I don't mean to," he tried to explain. "I'm not - I'm not -" Another sniffle forced him away, face flushed with the strain of tears and embarrassment. Xavier was freed in an attempt to wipe his eyes with the back of his hand.

Xavier: "You don't have to qualify or explain." Xavier reached into his pocket for his handkerchief and offered it. "Much less apologize. Today--this evening--has been emotionally taxing."

Maximus: A part of him, most of him in fact, wanted Xavier to clean his face for him. An excuse for his nearness and warmth. He could not bring himself to ask, taking the offered cloth to set himself to rights.

"I'm... embarrassed. How can I look you in the eyes again." He tried to smile.

Xavier: Xavier smiled for him, as softly as he'd kissed him. "Please don't be. There's no need around me."

Maximus: "So much of what you say sounds like fiction. Words plucked from a romance novel."

Xavier: “I must confess that I haven’t read many romance novels. My words are all mine.”

Maximus: "Which makes them more potent."

Xavier: “And more meaningful.”

Maximus: "I'm lost. Completely. Tell me what to do next."

Xavier: “What do you want to do, darling?”

Maximus: "I just told you." The handkerchief was neatly folded. Something to do with his hands.

Xavier: “Would you like to sit by the fire with me?”

Maximus: "That is a safe solution."

Xavier: “Come.” Xavier arranged the two chairs in his bedroom close to the fireplace. He would’ve given a king’s ransom to have Maximus in his lap but just like before, having him bear was enough.

Maximus: It was a command. One which he would have obeyed regardless of its power. His silent wish was of similar mind. A loveseat would have been much better. Now, they were separated by a foot of dead space.

Not one to complain, Maximus took a seat in the inward most chair, subconsciously avoiding being near the door.

Xavier: Perhaps the foot of space was a blessing. It would help him keep his hands to himself and off of Maximus, and help him avoid making Maximus feel uncomfortable.

In that same vein, he said, "What were your plans for today?"

Maximus: Maximus smiled to himself. "For when you sleep?"

Xavier: "Yes, but also when you thought I was going to spend the whole evening in New York."

Maximus: "I," a side glance, "was, perhaps, going to practice my music."

Xavier: Ah, yes. That hauntingly beautiful music that he wasn't supposed to know existed.

"Oh? What do you like to play?"

Maximus: After everything they'd learned today, surely...

"I enjoy the violin. Vivaldi, Paganini - Italians. I suppose I'm biased."

Xavier: "Your bias is in excellent taste. I've always enjoyed Vivaldi. The first movement of Winter may be my favorite piece of his."

Maximus: Maximus' smile ached from both ends. "You must allow me to play it for you sometime."

Xavier: "I would love to hear you play." So you can know how beautifully you do so. "What's your favorite piece?"

Maximus: "I don't think there is only one, but one in particular gives me the most trouble. I suppose that makes it my obsession."

Xavier: “Is it one of those horrendously complex pieces that look like no mere mortal could ever compose them?”

Maximus: "Which is why I love Italian composers so much."

Xavier: Xavier chuckled softly. “As do I. I’m exceedingly fond of everything Italian, including its music. Perhaps...”

Maximus: His head turned towards Xavier before his eyes, still fixated on the fire. "Hmm?"

Xavier: “Would you like to go see the symphony sometime?”

Maximus: His jaw was caught before the fall. "I would... love to."

Xavier: “There are fantastic symphony orchestras in this country, they almost rival those in Europe. We can see as many as we want.”

Maximus: "I will n-" Maximus took a breath. "Forgive me. I'm still...learning how to speak with you."

Xavier: “There’s no need to apologize,” Xavier said gently. “Would you like to go see all the great symphonies of Europe?”

Maximus: "Or here, or anywhere in India." He swallowed. "I will never refuse symphony."

Xavier: “Then we shall see them all, particularly the Italian ones.”

Maximus: "Thank you, Xavier."

Xavier: Xavier smiled. “You’re welcome. I’ll enjoy myself as much as I hope you will. I’ll make sure we get the best seats.”

Maximus: "As obsessed, I hope, as you are with the pictures."

Xavier: “I enjoy art in all its forms.” And I enjoy enjoying them with you even more.

Maximus: "We should... collect more paintings and portraits. For the house. Yours still needs to be made."

Xavier: “I agree. There are several world class museums and galleries we can visit when we travel for concerts.”

Maximus: "Museums?"

Xavier: “They often display private collections and they always helpfully name the person those private collections belong to.”

Maximus: "You wish to buy directly from the owner?"

Xavier: “Buy, steal.”

Maximus: Maximus dared frown. Only minimally fearing for his spine.

"Purchase, yes. What is it you prefer?"

Xavier: “Darling, you know I’m a thief. I’ll make perfectly legitimate copies of anything that catches my fancy, should it be exceedingly rare or precious. No Fool’s Gold copies.”

Maximus: "It's not my place to say."

Xavier: Xavier couldn’t help but smile. “Do you disapprove of my thieving ways?”

Maximus: "Not when those you take from are deserving of it. But an elderly couple selling a family heirloom have done nothing to warrant."

Xavier: “Very well. We’ll look into the owners of the collections before I steal from them.”

Maximus: "You would do that for me?"

Xavier: “I would.”

Maximus: "Thank you..." Xavier. He felt he'd said his name enough tonight. Enough to last for days.

Xavier: “You don’t have to thank me, Maximus.”

Maximus: "Better than holding my hand out."

Xavier: “You can, and it will be taken.”

Maximus: "We've only just begun."

Xavier: "That doesn't mean you can't ask for affection." Xavier's voice was gentle and soft, as if he were afraid of scaring Maximus. "You can, and it'll be given without question."

Maximus: "Metaphorical has mixed with literal, and I can't tell the difference with you."

Xavier: "I promise that I'm being very literal. Any and all affection you want is yours."

Maximus: "Are you certain you're not rushing into these... feelings you have for me?"

Xavier: Xavier nodded. "I'm certain. I've given this a great deal of thought."

Maximus: Maximus slowly took a breath from his nostrils, blowing out gently from his mouth.

Xavier: "I understand if that's difficult to believe."

Maximus: "I wish you could, truly, and yet I'm glad you don't."

Xavier: Xavier offered Maximus a soft smile and held out his hand.

Maximus: The hand was studied, delicately taken after some consideration.

"I should let you sleep."

Xavier: He brushed his thumb across Maximus' knuckles. It didn't feel nearly as late as it currently was. The whole world felt like it was beginning anew.

"Is that what you desire?"

Maximus: "I don't want to uproot... your routine." Your life.

Xavier: “Routines can be easily adjusted,” he said softly. “But it’s all right if you would rather be alone. I won’t hold it against you.”

Maximus: "I don't sleep." Soft words, as though sharing secrets. "You have to sleep sometime."

Xavier: Xavier wanted to say that he'd gone without sleep before and had been perfectly well, and although it was true, he didn't want to be overbearing. He didn't want Maximus to feel forced to be in his company.

"Then I'll sleep."

Maximus: "Alright." But he didn't move.

Xavier: Nor did Xavier. He just continued to brush his thumb across Maximus’ knuckles, making sure his hold was light to allow his butler an out whenever he wanted.

Maximus: He didn't want an out. His fingers closed around Xavier's hand and lightly squeezed, wanting to feel his existence in his hold. Somehow make this realer.

Xavier: Xavier smiled softly. That settled that then. He’d continue to hold Maximus hand as long as Maximus wanted, until sleep took him or the sun rose.

Maximus: No, not until sun rose. His selfishness would only last so long, another ten minutes of silence and intimacy, before forcing himself to his feet. Xavier was gently tugged towards the bed.

Xavier: His eyes had closed without him realizing and opened suddenly when he felt movement. He must have nodded off.

Xavier got to his feet and went along without resistance, not quite managing to stifle a yawn.

Maximus: He was directed to bed, and after a second of hesitation, tucked under the covers. Don't think. Just be.

"Goodnight, Xavier," he whispered.

Xavier: Xavier sighed sleepily and settled against his pillow. “Goodnight, darling.”

Maximus: The door was closed behind him, gently so as not to disturb. There was much to reflect on this night. There would be no walk into the woods to practice. No scrimshaw or reading. No writing or cleaning. Simple, silent reflection in the library, staring into the embers until sunrise. He would refresh the fire and refresh, redress, and begin his kitchen duties.

[scandinaviacroatiaengbergs]

Sunday: Oslo to Gothenburg (Bye-Bye to our Car, for Now!) and on to Copenhagen

There are a few things I wanted to note, just in general, but I’ve been forgetting to do so.  One: there are wind turbines all over the countryside in Norway and Sweden.  Two: the recycling program in Norway is very ahead-of-our-time (or the U.S.’s time, and I know to roll out such programs on a nationwide scale is easier to do in a smaller country than a larger one) and everyone recycles and composts  and the robot-directed sorting of bags of garbage is a sight to see (I saw it in a video that Ryley showed me).  Three: there are sooooooo many Teslas in Norway.  It is an actual fact that there are more Teslas per capita in Norway than in any other country (per my source: Eric Engberg).  Now, you’d think that this must just mean the people are super stoked to protect the environment and have loads of money to spend on buying expensive electric cars, and that is partially true, but Ryley and Roar said that many people spend way beyond their means and the government really incentivized electric car ownership, and Tesla was a huge resulting beneficiary of that.  Electric cars could drive in the bus lane for a while and there were more benefits, too, which I am forgetting.  It is really crazy how many Teslas there are on the road, and aside from that, there are just a lot of new cars, with very few that would qualify as “old” in the central city.  When we drove out of town, we saw more older models, but in the city, nope. I’ve also been thinking a lot about immigration in the late-19th and early-20th century to the U.S. from Scandinavia.  So I will digress for a minute: I know that when countries are war-torn, it makes a lot of sense for individuals and families to leave those regions, when they can (and as we see globally today and throughout history, there are so many tragic regions in which civilians are stuck in unlivable circumstances with no respite from the wars surrounding them). I also know from my own family history that people fled, say, Ireland because of famine, or Lithuania to seek an improved life in the U.S., even before abject ethic and religious persecution made conditions unsurvivable. I need to learn more about the causes for migration out of Scandinavia during the turn of the last century.  But, the lure of the “American Dream” was strong, even when a country wasn’t in a depression or there wasn’t a crop failure (though Norway had a huge potato crop failure that made many people leave, at the same time as Ireland, according to Roar), as far as I know.  And we see that immigrants from the turn of the last century to the U.S. have, by and large, left improved socio-economic legacies for their  descendants. But, when I travel to these areas today, and see some of the beauties of their regions, and size of cities and how these countries are able to develop social systems where there are many fewer people in poverty per capita than there are in our own U.S., I realize I need to learn more about why so many people left in the first place, and what the crises they were fleeing were, or whether they were just leaving to pursue riches in the U.S. when its doors were more open to such waves of immigrants (I mean, I wrote a book about this period, so I know very well the increasingly tight immigration laws of the late-19th to early-20th centuries and what “kinds” of people they privileged).  Anyway, I thought this about my Grandpa Sam too when we were in Lithuania, since he could certainly not have predicted the genocide that would develop there thirty years after he left.  He came to the U.S. alone from his family of two parents and five siblings (all but one of whom perished in the Holocaust), and seems to have traveled with a cousin. I do think about the asylum seekers who I’ve volunteered with in Albuquerque and somewhat like my uncle, they were really going into the unknown, because they hoped that gamble would make their lives better.  In the case of the asylum seekers, they’re often fleeing so much death, corruption, and destruction around them, and they hope that in the U.S. they’ll have a safer home for their children and more viable earning options for themselves. So, I am sorry to go along this tangent for so long, but I really do drive through the countryside here and I wonder why so many people left in the first place – simple as that.  I am sure different people left in different decades for very different reasons. Anyway, our last morning in Oslo was leisurely. We had to go out and find an ATM, though, since I had to leave about $70 for our Airbnb hosts to pay for parking, since we’d agreed upon this. To find an ATM on Sunday, though, was no easy task, so we went on a long walk to get to the nearest one, but that actually turned out very well, because we didn’t have to be out of the apartment at a particular time and we got to see some more neighborhoods that we hadn’t seen before.  We even found a little park right near our place that had a high hill, and we could see quite a panorama from the top. So, around 1, we left Oslo, avoiding by the smallest margin a collision in a roundabout (the Volvo’s brakes work really well, we learned!), and then made it to Gothenburg without much trouble at all. Eric booked our Airbnb in a suburb, and by the time we got in, the kids were ragged, unruly, and wild as hyenas with their squawking and back-talking and general silliness.  It was a mess. It took some stern words and some taking away of things (Rowan’s beloved Blundstone boots) to get them to know that they needed to pull it together, which they did, and we went to the Willy’s grocery store and got some dinner and got back and ate dinner, and the kids ate voluminously. After that, we tried to get the kids to bed, but that, again, was more protracted than ideal, and they weren’t asleep until nearly 10 p.m.  I should mention that the navigation in this suburb called Askim was hilarious and so convoluted; it was like driving from driveway to driveway, on tiny, tiny roads that, before GPS, I have no idea how anyone could’ve given directions to anyone unfamiliar with the area. So, the kids needed one thing after the next at bedtime – a story “from your mouth” (specifically, the serial saga of the cats Pickles and Mr. Pink that I’ve been telling since last summer), a story from a book, some water, to go to the bathroom, it’s too hot, there’s too much light, I want to sleep in with Cece, I want to go downstairs, etc. etc.  It was endless.  But, finally, they both zonked out, and then I couldn’t fall asleep until after midnight. I hope it doesn’t seem like I am complaining about the kids or their behavior a lot, because really, they roll with all of this traveling and moving from town to town pretty well, and they seem to love the adventure, and Rowan even expresses how much he loves it, repeatedly, and how sad he’s going to be when it’s over (though he has his art camp later this summer, and he *is* excited for that). But, our kids really are the loudest kids in any given room and the goofiest, so that is fun for us sometimes, but sometimes we need a knob with which we can dial down their volume considerably. We dropped our Volvo off this morning for its journey home, and while we were there, we saw another family, with two kids ages probably 8 and 6, and they were just sitting at a table with their parents while they waited for their car to be brought out. Our kids, by contrast, were needling each other and I actually heard a scream out of Cece when I was in the bathroom right before we left. Some great things can come out of their energy and curiosity, and we’re grateful for that, but, as I noted, sometimes, a dial would be useful ;)  I guess what goes around, comes around, since my mom once left my brother and I (at ages 4 and 6) with the guard at the front of some Smithsonian museum because we were being intolerable and she wanted to see the exhibit without our annoying behavior, so with the guard we sat.  That was also the day I flat-out insisted on wearing pleather boots and jeans in the humid, insane D.C. summertime weather. Anyway, I guess my kids come by their low points honestly ;) Anyway, so we *did* return the Volvo for its ocean journey home!  And now, I write this from a train to Copenhagen, and we’ll spend two nights there before flying to Croatia, land of my grandmother’s mother and ancestors.  The kids and I know, from Grandma Marion, how to say “I love you!” in Yugoslavian (as she calls it), so we’re ready for our travels there! This train ride started a bit stressfully, a) because we have a lot of loot to get situated on board, and b) there are no seat numbers above all of the seats, so it was a total frustrating guessing game to figure out which seats are ours.  But we did, and since then, the ride has been uneventful, with some beautiful ocean scenery and small towns (and some not-so-small towns) with red houses and intensely green fields. The kids have had some iPad time (Cece is doing a Montessori “hundreds board” right now and Rowan was laughing loud enough for all in our car to hear to Shawn the Sheep).  They are going to be tired tonight in Copenhagen, but we might tow them around in a bike trailer, so we’ll see what develops! More soon!

[youcantunringthebell]

The Lyin’ King

This is the 99 percent true* story of a friendship that was at least 50 percent false.

Surprising, because I never thought of myself as a gullible person. Shouldn’t a newspaper reporter have the strongest bullshit detector imaginable? (Yes, there was the time my colleagues convinced me the boss was forcing us into “treadmill meetings,” but in all fairness, she seemed to have some body image issues, and the company gym was right there.) In situations where things seem ideal, though, I’m often the first to Google that shit and start finding the flaws.

Except for with Leo. **

I met him through my ex-husband, but after a handful of happy hours, he was more my friend that my ex’s. We had something in common: Upbringing in ultra-conservative Christian families followed by fallout when we left those systems. He was coming out as gay and leaving the church, I could help him navigate that and, being newly divorced, I had a lot of time on my hands. We bonded over mutual rejection and our newfound addiction to online dating.

I try not to use the word “perfect,” because a Buddhist friend reminds me that nothing on this earthly plane fits that description. But Leo was perfect: young, model-gorgeous with a wardrobe to match. Charming in any social situation. Wickedly funny, useful in a crisis, an attentive listener. Go places with Leo and, over time, you will meet literally hundreds of people drawn into his light. Some of them get to stay. It’s intoxicating.

He barely made an effort at work and won employee of the year consecutively. Eventually, he earned a lofty position that absolutely nothing on his resume would demonstrate he could fill, and his bosses loved him there, too. He sang beautifully, danced sexily, painted passably. He ran marathons and lifted weights. Leo even perfectly curated his imperfection, to wit, a scar that came with a hilarious story about a brown recluse hiding in old pants.

He lived with my husband and me briefly, between men, but there were usually men. Never as attractive, typically more accomplished, although that second requirement could be suspended if it looked like the other option was extended singleness. So when Leo started talking about the man he would marry, I burst out laughing and told him he was full of shit. He started crying because I didn’t believe him. I begged him to forgive me.

Looking back, that should have told me something.

Because if Leo had been sitting on a computer in Nigeria emailing me that he was a displaced prince and needed my bank account number so he could reclaim his lost wealth, I’m not completely sure I wouldn’t be bankrupt right now.

The new boyfriend was close to becoming a doctor. The Doctor told me his medical specialty was hugging — that’s how earnest this guy was. He and Leo moved to another state for a residency and, sure enough, got engaged soon after that move. I spoke at their wedding.

Their marriage didn’t last long. Something was always wrong with The Doctor. He wasn’t attentive enough. He walked funny. He overspent. Leo had to take a second job — working weekends at conferences around the globe — to pay the bills. He texted me pictures of scenery in exotic locales. “This looks fun, but you seem angry all the time now,” I told him. Of course he was angry, living with all the stress of keeping them afloat, Leo said.

They got divorced, and Leo announced he was moving home to Nashville, but first he had to move in with a co-worker suffering from a brain tumor to see her through it, plus he was getting more involved in church and going to therapy. No more men, he said, just work, caretaking and the spritual journey of self-discovery for him. Every single phone call came back to the church, therapy or the friend with cancer. I started to feel petty, wanting Leo to come home when there was such important work where he was. Our conversations got awkward.

“Leo always reminds me we’re best friends, but I don’t think I know him at all anymore,” I told my husband. He shrugged. Friendships change, he said.

Instead of Leo moving back to Nashville, The Doctor moved back. Leo called, frantic, with the news. Turns out the doctor had been cheating on him all along with a colleague! He stole all Leo’s money! Leo was ruined! Wasn’t it awful?

So when The Doctor, who worked less than a quarter-mile from my office, texted that we should have coffee now that he was back, I ignored that asshole. A few months later, when he texted that he was thinking about me and asked how I was, I wrote back, “Fine, thanks.” This slow thaw went on for about a year, and eventually it seemed nuts NOT to just forgive him and have coffee. Let he among us who hasn’t cheated for the length of a marriage and then left our spouse destitute cast the first stone, right?

The first half-hour our visit, we discussed weather and work. The Doctor finally introduced the elephant.

“Why do you think Leo and I got divorced?” he asked.

“That’s not important,” I said. “Water under the bridge.”

“I seriously want to know,” he said.

I considered for a moment. “Because you’re a compulsive philanderer and thief?”

The Doctor looked prepared for that answer. No, he said. Just the opposite.

And through a series of lunches with The Doctor plus light stalking, I learned that many things Leo told me since he moved were lies. The weekend conference job was a cover for an affair that predated the marriage — The Doctor figured that out thanks to an unexpected credit card statement. It was a man The Doctor knew as a family friend, a straight husband and father. That meant the pictures sent to me were probably from Google Images. Leo’s co-worker with cancer probably never actually had cancer, and if she did, her daughter already lived in the same apartment.

There really was a church, turns out, because Leo and his lover joined it on the same day, according to an online bulletin.

I started to investigate some stories that didn’t have to do with Leo’s marriage. More lies. The timing on my Nancy Drew act was bad, because Leo was hopping a plane home to see a concert with me the next week.

I emailed him what I’d found out, too afraid I’d fall apart during a phone call, and apologized for the times I came off as judgmental about other people’s affairs. It was none of my business, I wrote, and I could see where it made it impossible to tell me what was going on. We set a time to talk, and Leo tearfully copped to the affair, but nothing else.

“What made you think you couldn’t just tell me the truth?” I asked.

“I always wanted to be so perfect.” He was crying, struggling to get the words out. “I was afraid you wouldn’t be my friend anymore.”

We were silent for a moment, and then I heard a muffled, cheerful greeting. “I’ll be in there in a sec!” Leo shouted. No tears.

“Where are you?” I asked.

He was outside a wedding shower and had to go. “I assume, in light of all this, I shouldn’t come to Nashville,” he said.

“Of course you should still come!” I said. “You need to come now more than ever so we can figure out what the hell happened between us.”

He sent the text a few hours before I was supposed to pick him up from the airport: I’m being called last minute to work one of those conferences, and with my financial situation, I can’t afford to say no.

Even with the truth in the open — realizing that I knew the conferences never existed and The Doctor hadn’t stolen from him — he retreated into the lie. It was like he had no choice. I couldn’t stop staring at my phone.

The way my decade-long friendship with Leo ended shook me for about a year. Now that he was gone, my friends who knew him could step forward with their own experiences. I could look back on things he said and see the cracks. I’ve never felt more stupid. Mostly, my feeling was that because he was so beautiful and charming and talented, and because I am a fat, middle-aged lady with a few jokes and decent writing ability, I never allowed myself to be skeptical with him for fear he’d stop talking to me. I believed someone else with more self-esteem who was a little brighter would have seen right through Leo. This isn’t me being self-deprecating, this is how I actually saw it.

With a few years’ perspective and after meeting a couple more Leos subsequently, I have a theory. I think there may be a lot of Leos out there among us.

Those of us raised ultra conservative, who wake up to the damage that extremism does, face a choice. The day comes where we either speak our truths and stop accommodating the family system, or we always keep a little bit of a lie going so we can keep their favor. Leo was like that. Once he told his family he was gay and they could live with that, he had to construct a perfect gay marriage to a perfect candidate. It couldn’t be troubled like other marriages. There couldn’t be an affair. It had to be perfect.

But those of us who stop accommodating, who say you’re wrong and refuse to support even the slightest vestige of that system, who take our lumps and live with the displeasure ... we get to be rigorously honest. Once we’ve made a stand that life-changing, it no longer matters what our friends, or our boss, or anyone thinks.

We’ve earned our truth. And we may live so strongly in that truth, it seems impossible for someone we love to be enmeshed in lies. We may be completely taken in by that person.

And that’s OK. Maybe even beautiful.

* I’ve changed one name.

** That’s the name.

[browniesnivy]

Random Asks!

This template was made by biaesthetic, just so you know. I cut out some of the questions I didn’t I saw feel like answering, but otherwise her template worked really well for my needs! I saw cyberenergyshock do something similar and felt the need to do one myself, so here we go! Y’all really don’t know anything about me (which is mostly because i’m super paranoid about privacy) and I don’t intend to give out super precious info or anything here, I just thought it’d be nice. 

what was the last thing you read? The last book I read was issue three of the Bunny Drop manga. So far it’s a very cute story that I recommend to people who like family stories. It’s very touching and cute, but can be fairly thought-provoking at times. I haven’t finished it yet so I can’t give a full review or anything... but those are my thoughts so far!

favorite movie? Captain America: Winter Soldier! I know it’s a pretty basic choice as far as favorite Marvel movies go, but it really is just soooooo good. The action, the intrigue, the emotion, the relationships... all so good! Ten out of ten would watch again... and I believe me, I have. Three times in fact. And I’ve cried at least once every time because I’m weak sauce.

favorite book? That’s really hard... I really loved Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets but I haven’ t read that in years and am really fuzzy on the details... so I guess I’ll have to say the Warrior Cats Super Edition Crookedstar’s Promise. What can I say, I love Warrior Cats! And this edition is just so emotional. Without giving away any spoilers, this book is an absolute emotional rollercoaster at parts and contains one of the most manipulative, petty, dangerous, terrifying and broken villains the series has to offer and she is just fantastic. If your down with some of the special Warrior Cats-brand of stupidity this book is a total treat!

dream date? We’d be alone somewhere quiet and serene, nature surrounding us as we were covered in a blanket of stars. Cool, refreshing water babbles nearby, giving poetry to our escape. The most calming and tranquil environment imaginable. However, we wouldn’t just enjoy the soothing scenery, but we would talk in a low whisper, joking about things only we would understand and geeking out over fandom, all in between mouthfuls of take-out pasta from Olive Garden. It would be a mixture of a fun hangout with a friend and a romantic tender scene. (I guess all of that was really corny, huh? Haha, sorry!)

do you have a crush? Not on anyone real... but if Hatsune Miku asks tell her I’m free!

what are your hobbies? I love creative pursuits like writing and drawing and have loved them since I was extremely young. One of my favorite pass times is playing video games like Pokémon, Fire Emblem, Harvest Moon, The Sims,, Civilization, Stardew Valley, Super Smash Brothers, and many many others... too many to reasonably name! I love reading novels, but manga and anime alike are what I seem to do more of nowadays. My parents are pretty strict on which anime I watch though, so I spend more time reading manga because they aren’ t nearly as finicky about my reading material since my younger siblings won’t have to be subjected to it. Also, I really love philosophy. Ethics and morals have always fascinated me and the idea of mapping out the human spirit like a genome is endlessly fascinating to me... I love to read books on morality and watch philosophical YouTube videos in my down time, and I hope that someday I can come to some kind of understanding of the truth. I guess that means I’m kind of lame! 

what’s your favorite time of day? Evening. I love the darkness. The chilling winds and the stars illuminating the dark skyscape is the most beautiful sight I’ve ever seen, and it’s all right their in your backyard if you only care to look! Well, I guess if you live in the city or something you can’t do that... in which case I’m very sorry! Anyway, the serenity of the night is something the daytime can’t match for me. Peace and quiet are seldom found around where I live, so the silence is very appreciated!

if you could look like anything, what would you look like? Anything you say? In that case I guess I’d look like a calico cat. That away, I could climb along fences and gates or go exploring into the wilderness without anyone looking at me funny! Plus, maybe someone would pet me!

are you a romantic? If you just read my ideal date, the I you’ll probably know the answer. Yeah, I guess I am! I’m not super ditzy or anything, in fact I rarely every feel romantic attraction to people, but I do long to find a soulmate. 

what’s your favorite type of weather? The rain, definitely. If you couldn’t tell, quiet tranquility is pretty much my aesthetic. I love water. It nourishes the plant life and makes everything sparkle with dew, the greenery becomes so much greener and everything becomes so much more vibrant... it’s like the spirit of the world has been born again. And yet almost nobody is out their enjoying it. Fine by me, I’d rather be alone on my walks down the rainy neighborhood streets. Bonus if it’s raining at night, because not only are the walks multiplied tenfold in their beauty, but when you decide to hit the hay the soft pitter-patter of the raindrops can gently lull you to sleep...

what do you like talking about? Well obviously I love to talk about Yu-Gi-Oh!, and I’m pretty much open to talk to anyone about it... but I also love to talk about other fandom! I also love mythology and philosophy (that though provoking shit) and just random trivia in general and it’s nice to talk to people who are also interested in it. Other then all that nerdy cooties, I just generally like listening to other people talk. As long as what you say isn’t completely repulsive to me I’ll probably listen, but I’ll probably crack jokes the entire time unless you’re being really serious. I love funny stuff.

if you got a tattoo, what would it be and where would you get it? Oh, I’d never even think about a tattoo! I’m far too much of a scaredy-cat, besides the initial pain the idea an image could be burned onto me forever kind of freaks me out. I have no problem with other people getting them at all, just not something I could ever do. I don’t really think I can answer this question adequately... but I guess if I had to choose I’d say something small like an eye or a teardrop. I’d put it on the lower part of my neck to the left side: it would be discrete and not very noticeable, but kind of pretty and thoughtful. Nothing to obtrusive or, dare I say, obnoxious for me.

do you want any pets? I wish! We used to have a dog when I was very little, and then we had a cat when I was about eight or so, but nothing since then. Such a shame, because I am filled with love and affection for cats and dogs especially and would like to have at least one of each someday. If I had to pick which breeds I’d like, I’d say a border collie (they’re so expensive, but hey a girl can dream, right?) and a calico. 

dream job? “When I grow up I want to write books!” I’ve been saying that since I was old enough to write my own stories. Above all else, I want to be an author, but even most of those have other jobs as well. Of course I’ve gone through phases of wanting to be different things... when I was really small I wanted to be a waiter, then in second grade I wanted to be a marine biologist (I saw sea turtles at an aquarium and fell in love. Don’t want to do marine biology anymore but sea turtles are still the some of the most precious beasts on this planet!), but now I’m thinking either an animator, a journalist, or a moral philosophy professor. Who knows what I’ll end up doing, I'm only a freshman right now, after all.

dream place to live? Take me home, country road, to the place, I beloooooooong…! No, I don’t want to live in West Virginia specifically (though that would probably be pretty swell), but the American South is where I grew up and it’s where I want to live. The flourishing flora, sparkling water forms, and the waves of fertile farmland are just some pf my favorite set pieces of the Southern United States. I don’t live there anymore, and there are a lot of social problems down there that might target me specifically, but just for the scenery alone I wish to go back.

dream vacation? Japan! in this dream scenario, I can speak Japanese and navigate the land without many hitches, ordering of the menu and understanding all the signs. I’d go to a maid café and one of those resteraunts where there are stuffed animals everywhere, I’d buy a crap-ton of weeb shit, if I was lucky I’d see a vocaloid concert... and the sightseeing! I’d go hiking on the mountains and see cascading waterfalls and flourishing sakura and  really neat beetles... I hope that happens to me someday!

do you want any piercings? I don’t even want my ears pierced at all, so not at all! I’m not a very flashy person, in fact I’m quite quaint, and I never wear jewelry unless my family somehow bamboozles me into it. I’d never wear any of it, so it wouldn’t be worth some weirdo assaulting my earlobes (or any other body part) for it. 

if you had kids, what would you name them? I think me having kids might be kind of a long shot all things considered (but who really knows, right?) but I do have several names I’m really attached to that I would gladly give to someone. The first is Eve, which I just absolutely adore the aesthetic of. If you couldn’t all ready tell, I love the nighttime, and this name just screams a sort of lovely starlight elegance. Plus, it was the name of my first crush in Harvest moon Magical Melody so... backstory! The other name I’d go with would have to be Jamie. It just sounds so peppy and interesting, it’s a very unique name that I can’t help but love. Not coincidently, Jamie was the name of another Magical Melody character I was particularly fond of, because they were my first experience with gender nonconformity and non-binary gender identity! 

what are your best traits? Am I really the best person to judge that? Well, I guess I can try. I try to be as patient as possible and to keep an open-mind because I hate hurting people’s feelings, believe there is always a kind and peaceful solution, and think every single person deserves personal respect and to be treated with integrity when possible. I’d say of all my traits, those are the ones I try the hardest to foster and exercise.

worst traits? I’m so anxious, literally anything going wrong cans end me into a panic. My family has kind of a history with predisposed anxiety, so I should probably get that checked out... but then the idea of being diagnosed as “wrong” freaks me out a lot. Vicious cycle. This underlying anxiety manifests in some other nasty traits of mine: specifically that I’m a wuss, a doormat, and a pessimist. Long story short, I’m way to worried for my own good.

what’s your worst fear? Well, I’m pretty much afraid of everything! Alligators, heights, amnesia, blood and guts, rejection, underwater tunnels, birds coming near me, loud noises, illness... there’s a lot more, but I’d say my biggest fears are failure and weakness. The two kind of go hand in hand in my mind, and the thought that I could fail and become irredeemable and worthless is petrifying.  

what do you want to eat right now? Something to know about me: I’m always hungry. I snack incessantly, so it’s a wonder I’m still such a skinny little bastard! Right now, I could really go for some sushi. Put some seafood and some avocado on that shit and I’m sold.

favorite social media platform? Tumblr! I mean, it’s really the only social media I have, but still! Even though looking at all the fighting and toxicity on this website that can really make me feel awful, there is an undertone of community that outweighs that for me. Seeing so many fans of Yu-Gi-Oh! and ShrimpShipping in particular makes me feel like I really belong somewhere, and when I see the entire community harmonize to create a positive environment I remember what this life is all about. When I get a heart on a post, I think about how someone liked that post, how something I made or that I said might have put a smile on their face or roused a chuckle from them, and that makes it all worth it to me. Plus, all my mutual are really cool!

favorite article of clothing? Jackets, blazers, hoodies, coats, sweaters, suits... I love that cozy shit! I unfortunately live somewhere really hot, so a lot of times flaunting my style makes me uncomfortable, but it’s worth it too look fly as hell! When it comes to dressing, I’m very butch to androgynous, which makes since because I’m pretty gender nonconforming, I always have been. When I was younger and at a different school I was definitely the tomboy, but now I tend to try and blend in more just because people at my new school seem so much more judgmental. 

do you play any sports? I’ve been playing tennis since I was in third grade! I really only ever play it during the school’s season because there is just so much homework and I’m always busy, and thus my growth has been greatly stunted... but it’s still a really awesome sport. There’s a precision and an elegance to it that just fascinates me, plus it’s not a team sport so I don’t have to worry about screwing my partners over! Unless it’s doubles, which I try to avoid whenever possible. Other factors that make me like it appealing to me is that I have the body for it (tall with freaky long-ass arms) and my dad plays it too, so we can go out and help each other improve our skills. 

favorite meal of the day? Well they’re all great, I mean food is food, but I’m biased to dinner. The biggest most complete meal of the day that packs the most flavor and is the most filling, dinner is great! In my opinion, going to bed on a full stomach is one of the best feelings in the world, so we can thank dinner for that. Plus, my mom lets me eat snacks after dinner so I don’t have to sneak around to eat potato chips... heh.

what are you excited for? ShrimpShipping Week definitely has me excited, because I have so many shrimpy ideas to let loose upon this world... and I’m really looking forward to looking at everyone else’s contributions too! ShrimpShipping Week is the time I can see the most unity within the community, and it truly is a wonderful experience! Also I’m hyped as hell for Smash Ultimate and that currently unnamed Animal Crossing 2019 game... I’m a huge Nintendo fan my dudes.

when was the last time you cried? Like a few days ago? I can’t remember which of these instances came first, but I figured out I got on probation in NJHS because I got (gasp) a C+ in Geometry?! That seriously fucked-up my self-esteem, so I cried about that. But I can’t really remember if that was before or after I rewatched Madoka Magicia (which I personally consider a brilliant work of art and an anime must-see)… well either way I cried really recently.

dream house? Perhaps by the side of a crystal clear lake, maybe by the banks of a babbling brook, possibly by the sparkling seashore... but somewhere near water there would sit a two story house. Crisp hardwood makes up the walls of the construction, and there are windows opening the entire house to gorgeous natural light. Inside, everything is painted soft colors that seem to glow in the light, and every piece of furniture looks like you could sink into it’s soft surface. The downstairs floor has a living room with cases for cards, game boards, and video game disks are displayed neatly and conveniently alongside posters and figurines. It is essentially a nerd rec room. Beside that, the dining room and kitchen are organized and clean, and you can still smell pasta from the night before. A large flight upstairs leads to an upstairs library and study, which then empties out into a cozy bedroom full of stuffed animals and an open closet full of suits and coats. The bedroom has a balcony attached to it overlooking the water source nearby, a quiet and comfortable escape out into the serenity of nature. I suppose that’s all very idealistic, but this is a dream house... so I can have as many plushy sofas and anime girl figurines as I want!

what’s something you hate about the world? How selfish a lot of people are. I don’t mean to sound mean or judgmental, but there are just so many people who refuse to even try to be kind. All they care about is themselves and they don’t understand how much their actions effect those around them, and they certainly never try to adjust their viewpoints. I think there are so any problems we could resolve if we just tried to understand the people around us. After all, they aren’t going anywhere. You might as well try to make life as pleasant as possible for others, right? But that’s just my two cents. 

what’s something you love about the world? Even though the world is full of self-serving close-minded folk, there are also those who are driven and motivated to try to improve themselves and those around them. They want to try to make things more positive for those around them, they want to help those in need, and they believe in people’s capacity to improve. They believe int he ability to change and to improve. And when I see these people join hand in hand to change the world, I feel very inspired. I know it’s not possible to solve every problem, at least not in one go. But seeing people who wholeheartedly try to help out is what I love most in this world. 

what scents do you like? I tend to like scents like chocolate or sizzling steak, the kinds of scents associated with foods. Like I said, I’m always hungry. I also love the smell of nature after a rainy day, it just draws out all the scents from the flora in the most fantastic way. 

what kind of sleeper are you? If a bomb detonated outside my house, I would still stay asleep. In other words, I’m an incredibly heavy sleeper. Basically no amount of rambunctious noise can awaken me from deep slumber, but I am very responsive to someone disturbing my sleeping environment by touch. if the bed rocks or a finger brushes against my face, I’m awake instantly, probably in an anxious sweat. That’s why I can’t sleep in the car. But if you give me a warm bed and take care not to touch me in anyway, I’m dead asleep. 

are you a cat or dog person? Don’t make me choose! I love them both so much, but for completely different reasons. Cats are good because they are cuddly and soft and relaxing, but they for the most part don’t give a fuck about anything. And dogs are nice because they are so fun and loving, and sometimes they seem just as complex as humans in their emotional capacity. I love them both so much, I don’t want to choose!

how long would you survive in a zombie apocalypse? I’d probably be one of the first to kick the bucket honestly. I mean, I’ve beaten my siblings and other kids in wrestling matches more times then I can count, but a zombie apocalypse? I’d be too scared to do anything! The only thing that might push me forward would be the desire to help my loved ones, but even then I think i’d be pretty useless. Suffice it to say I’ll be easy pickings when the zombies come for our brains.

when do you feel safe? I’m pretty much always nervous to be honest, so I guess I feel safest when I’m asleep! 

are you trusting? I actually don’t know how to answer that? I try to give people the benefit of the doubt and when I make bonds I get seriously invested in them, but most people on the streets I’m always a bit on guard about. Got to play it safe, you know?

what fictional characters do you identify with? Alderheart and Hollyleaf from Warriors. Alderheart because he’s really anxious and just trying his best to be useful, and Hollyleaf because she wants to do the right thing and follow the rules but often gets confused and starts going a bit batty. For something that’s not Warriors, I’d have to go with Homura from Madoka Magica, because she puts on a lot of strong fronts to protect those she loves and to avoid failure at all costs. I’m not trying to say I’m as fucked-up as some of these characters or that any of my situations are as bad as theirs were, just that I see bits of myself in them and can feel a connection to them.

what labels do you commonly get? Well there is a lot... fangirl, nerd, overachiever, butch, standoffish, weird, tomboy... if I named all the boxes I’ve been put in I'd be here all day!

what issues are you dealing with right now? Anxiety! That’s all I'm going to say, because I honestly think I’ve said enough about my problems. It makes me kind of uncomfortable shouting my fears into the internet because... it makes me feel guilty? I don’t know. Just... anxious. That’s my problem. 

how can someone win you over? If they display an extensive knowledge of one of my fandoms then I’m instantly sold. Do you know how hard it is to find fans outside of the internet sometimes, and even in the internet? I’m so down to get in any amount of fandom talk!

[masterskywalkers]

Gaming asks - 8, 15, 19, 31, 38, 48, 54?

8. The game with the best atmosphere/scenery?

A lot of games fit the bill, but for me I think I’d have to say The Witcher 3. I absolutely love curling up with that game and am often in awe of how beautiful it is, how the weather cycles and changes, how each area is so different. Whenever I reach Skellige I just ... I stay there for ages and don’t want to leave to do more stuff because I love the atmosphere so much. I also just love sitting in a tavern playing Gwent for some old drunk mans cards!

15. Favourite animal in a video game?

Trico from The Last Guardian! I loved finding and feeding that big baby barrels (: 

19. Hardest game you’ve ever played?

While I don’t personally find the Soulsborne games as insanely hard, I struggled with a few of the bosses in the Old Hunters DLC for Bloodborne (Orphan of Kos springs to mind...). I also struggle a lot with Arkham Knight, but that’s mostly because I absolutely hate the Batmobile in that game and do my best to avoid driving it - which is hard when the game is so designed to need it. Never finished Arkham Knight, probably never will at this point.

31. Game with the best theme song?

Oh god, but I love gaming soundtracks ;____;

I’m going to have to pick anything from the golden age of Final Fantasy (6,7,8,9,10), especially if it’s in a piano theme version. The music is popular because it’s good, and I’ve adored it since I was little. I’m going to be so heartbroken if the Final Fantasy 7 remake doesn’t have the music in it that was so incredible and helped make so many memories for so many people.

38. Have you tried a game, hated it, then tried again, and loved it?

I wouldn’t say hated ... because if I really didn’t like the game I’d be inclined to move on and forget it since my gaming backlog is so big (I had to do that last year with Ni No Kuni 2 and it really upset me that I couldn’t get into the game no matter how I tried). 

I will say however that sometimes I have to be in a certain mood for a certain type of game. It took me about three tries to really get into and get the feel for Pillars of Eternity, and I remember back in the day it would take me picking up Star Wars: Force Commander and actually deciding to sit through the tutorial to decide that I actually really enjoyed it (and spurred my Dad into playing it, which he’s happy about since it became his favourite Star Wars game after that). 

48. A game you’ve always wanted to play but have never gotten to it?

There’s a lot, but I think the crown has to go to Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance.

I never had a GameCube growing up, and I just ... now I can’t afford the price that the game currently sits at whenever I see it for sale online. I played a bit of it around a friends a few years back and loved it, but with that kind of game I’d love to just sit down and play it myself, trying to figure out where to send units and making sure none of the characters die. I’m not interested in emulating it, and because of that I guess I’m just ... not gunna be able to play it. Which sucks, but it happens. 

An even more impossible game I’ve not been able to play is Fire Emblem: Genealogy of the Holy War, but that’s impossible because it never came out outside of Japan. I know their are fan translations but it’s something I’d have to look for into, and honestly I’m just at the point now where I’m hoping they might remaster it (but given some of the content of the game I reckon some things would end up changed).

... I basically just really love Fire Emblem and hate that the two big games I wanna play are the two I literally can’t get a hold of, cause I have the majority of the others.

54. A sequel you really want?

Hmmm. It used to be Dragon Age 4, but now I’m just really worried at the state of Bioware that I dunno how I feel or if I’m more excited or apprehensive about that. There was also Kingdom Hearts 3 years ago, but now that it’s nearly year I feel overwhelmed and confused by all the extra content you need to know before going into the game that I feel I need to prepare for an exam before ‘having dumb, fun times with Disney and Final Fantasy characters’.

I guess I’ll go for an impossible option again and say that you know what, I really wish we’d been given more to Mass Effect: Andromeda. There’s a lot of opportunity there, and if given the time and effort it’s deserved I really feel we could be on to something great. The first one wasn’t bad, and I think it’s a shame that the DLC was scrapped for it. The potential for more new races, clashing of politics and ideals from those races, how the Kett are affecting others outside those we know, what the hell the reaction is to those higher up knowing that the galaxy the left behind could be - in their eyes - as good as gone. The struggle of building a new colony in a new galaxy, of rebuilding and establishing homes. It could have been amazing, and Bioware missed a huge opportunity. 

Gaming questions are from here!