#the way that he brainwashed Barbie’s friends and they point this out and Barbie still ends up apologizing to him

[nighthawkes]

disappointed that Ms Gerwig’s film didn’t ascribe to the sacred texts (Barbie Life in The Dreamhouse)

[buzz-season]

i think the difference between the barbie's treatment of ken's in barbieland vs the ken's treatment of barbie's in kendom can be summed up pretty easily actually:

barbie's ignored ken, realistically they were given an opportunity to have their own lives and do what they wanted and they didn't do it. everything revolved around their barbie's, ken would only have a good day if barbie did or if barbie acknowledged him. they never tried to do anything they genuinely wanted to.

whereas when the ken's took over, they brainwashed the barbie's into liking them and doing things for them. they would bring them beers and act like waitresses, give them foot massages or watch films they otherwise wouldn't be interested in. they became mindless and existed to serve the ken's. they were no longer just friends with the barbie's, they didn't want barbie to love them back, they wanted to own them.

people talking about ken falling down the patriarchy pipeline out of neglect or loneliness but why couldn't the ken's form friendships and communities like the barbie's did? why is it up to barbie to ensure that ken doesn't feel that way? at what point is it acceptable to blame barbie for ken's feelings? barbie let ken come to her party, watched him beach, held him whilst he went to the hospital, agreed to let him go on her journey, says hi to him when she sees him, things friends do and things she's shown doing with all the other barbie's, but if he still feels loneliness after that because she doesn't want to kiss him or doesn't love him back, why is that barbie's fault? meanwhile the entire time ken is ignoring other ken's out of his fixation on barbie and is even trying to "beach" other ken's off and causing problems with other ken's to gain barbie's attention

to me it's the perfect representation of the real world in the sense that women will leave men alone, men will want to own women, and women will be blamed for men's neglect and loneliness but it's a paper cage they create for themselves because they refuse to see women as individuals and arguably they don't actively try to create and nurture communities in the same way women do. ken's story is sad yes, but it's a story of his own design and what makes it worse is that he blames barbie for it. not himself, not mattel, no the real world but barbie, who's friendly disinterest in him means that she should be the one who is blamed and punished

[embodyingchaos]

my barbie review

(obvious spoilers ahead)

okay so, i watched the barbie movie on the 22nd, and i must say, it exceeded my expectations and i was very happy with it.

the movie was quite political and i found it the most perfect opportunity to get political. the way the movie was done was that there were two worlds, barbie land, where all the barbies and kens reside, and the real world, where we all are.

i believe i should tackle each and every one of the movie aspects one by one in different topics.

let's start with barbie land. barbie land is a place where all the dolls of the barbie franchise live. you've got midge, allan, skipper, multiple different kens and multiple different barbies. in barbie land, it seems that the gender roles had switched. women took the higher-ranking jobs, like president, doctor, etc. while the men just had beach offs and basically did nothing, they were inferior. this was interesting since in the barbie franchise, ken was made just as barbie's boyfriend, that's all he was meant to be. he was at her every beck and call, he was the perfect boyfriend.

in the movie, ken(ryan gosling) was just barbie's friend. they didn't make them a couple, which i liked, they were just really good friends. however, ken wanted to be more. ken wanted to be acknowledged by barbie, included and respected. the kens in the movie weren't friendly with each other, they were all competitive and wanted to be better than the other. the kens were very dependent on their barbies and they believed that their whole purpose was just to get barbie to be their girlfriend. they basically believed that they were just barbie's boyfriend, nothing else.

barbie(margot robbie) was stereotypical barbie. the perfect, blue-eyed blondie that everyone thinks of right off the bat when someone mentions the name barbie. the thing is, she didn't do anything either. she mostly just woke up perfect, spent her day driving around and greeting other barbies, spends time at the beach and then has a dance party every night. it was the same thing every day. oh and "every night is girl's night." said barbie, ignorantly.

the way the barbies treated the kens were somewhat similar to how the men treated women; like they were secondary to everything. even though the gender roles are switched, the barbies were still women and the kens were still men. the way that the barbies ruled weren't discriminatory, they didn't sexualise the kens in any way, but when the kens ruled over, they brainwashed the barbies into believing that they their only roles were to do nothing and just serve their own kens. they ruled by making weird decisions like horses (you will only understand what i mean if you watch the movie, trust me).

however, i believed the only reason they had ruled this way was because when barbie and ken had come into the real world, ken was influenced by the men there. that's the reason he brought misogyny back into barbie land.(though when ken said "every night is boy's night." to barbie as a backfire, i was really happy LMAO)

all in all, all ken wanted was barbie's respect, her acknowledgement. he even said he lost interest in the patriarchy when he realised that horses weren't really a big thing in it. (he just wants a horse)

what i didn't like about what a few of the commentators and reviews said was that the movie was mostly focused on women. i believe that it wasn't. they talked about men's issues too. when ken said he wasn't suppose to cry, it made him weak but barbie told him it's okay to cry. barbie apologised to him for making him feel unseen and unheard, like his existence all depended on her. he got independency from this movie, he got closure. he is more than just barbie's boyfriend/love interest.

another thing that my friend had pointed out was that the way that the barbies ruled was similar to how the management in mattel(barbie's toy company) is. the ceo, cfo, etc. in mattel were all men. they believed that feminism, was women > men, when feminism is women = men. which is why the barbies didn't give the men any actual job, they just got lifeguard at the beach or surfer or anything beach related honestly.

when barbie went into the real world, she realised that women power wasn't as big as it was in her world. she realised that women weren't working in every high-ranking job like in her world and that they got constantly harassed and it somewhat shined a light on the whole situation she was in once she got back to barbie land. she probably realised that things were still one sided in barbie land, and they should strive to make both kens and barbies equal.

anyways, my favourite character was definitely allan. ally to the barbies, ally to the kens. after all, there is only one allan.

[toy-capsule]

barbie movie rewrite because it was okay but i know how it couldve been better

ya so i've only watched the movie once and actively as i was watching it i was thinking of ways to rework the plot.. and i wrote none of it down after i saw it. but i like this website and i should post here more so here's my nonsense thoughts :)

so couple of main changes need to take place for this movie to work as a proper feminist movie in my opinion. making it perfect or overly nuanced isn't my idea of fixing it; I would much rather improve the fundamental message and conclusion so it isn't a specifically flawed intro to feminism because that is a really valuable thing for movie's in this climate to be.

change 1: alan deserved better!

one of the biggest philosophy's of feminism i believe in is intersectionality. alan is in a very interesting spot in the barbie world which i believe makes him uniquely suited for the movie's core conflict- an opportunity that the writers squandered (number one pathetic character apologist here). anyways, from what ive seen in the commentary and reactions this movie has, is that like weird barbie, alan is seen as a bit of a queer icon. but instead of his typical pre-movie interpretation of him just being a gay man, ive witnessed many also head canon them as non-binary as well (I'll stick to he/they pronouns for them here!) because of how much he chooses to associate with the barbies over the kens more often than not. i cannot believe that this wasn't explored more in the conclusion.

this leads me into my main argument for alan- instead of simply inspiring the resolution they should've been a much more important key player. how this might happen starts with the dance off in the third act. i think that pitting the kens against each other here was a pretty low blow narratively, it really establishes a pretty unfortunate theme for the ending which is just division between the two groups. (the barbie movie is really just misogyny but in reverse and doesn't attempt to fix any of the problems it acknowledges.) instead of infantilizing the kens -which was fine at the beginning of the movie for shits and giggles but became less funny and more frustrating as the movie went on- i think a much more productive start to the beach dance-off scene could've been alan trying to talk sense into the kens (like gloria does for the brainwashed barbies.) it would have needed to fail at this point for the sake of conflict but it would have brought in an easy applicable solution for our real life equivalent of misogyny into the narrative - men (and those apart of their sphere socially) talking to and checking their fellow peers when they are doing sexist shit

after the barbies take over the supreme court and do their thing we have a bit of tension to resolve still. even though gosling's stereotypical ken (sken) has discovered that he is kenough, that can't be said for the rest of the ken's. liu's ken #2 (real character name) should probably be the one to try to enforce the patriarchy just because of the preestablished tension. i think it would be a wonderful moment to see sken stand up to him properly here and really acknowledge alan's message here of respecting the other Barbie's as people and friends (shout out ace stereotypical barbie!) rather than objects. additionally they ask for respect in turn (equal representation on the supreme court because that ending was so foul wtf) also maybe some hand holding action because i am nothing if not a poly sken/alan/ken2 shipper- this is still a tumblr analysis what did you expect)

change 2: ruth shouldn't have been god, barbie should've

barbie becoming human at the end was weird and gross. who would actually want to be human? i'm sorry but if i lived as an inspirational concept to little girls around the world i think i would've taken that power a bit more seriously.

i'm so glad ruth was included in this movie and she should still play a key part in barbie's crisis and development. but.. instead of being god i think she should've acted more as a guiding spirit to barbie or a silly (possibly vengeful - literally just for fun i have no basis for this) ghost haunting mattel. after all, all of barbie's power comes from being an idea that can persevere throughout generations, and ruth is well... dead. i think instead of asking to become human when she got agency the conversation shouldve gone a bit more like this : ruth: what do you want barbie? barbie: honestly i don't know, is that normal? ruth: yes honey, (big dramatic monolouge about not rushing to find purpose.. etc) barbie: after everything that's happened i still dont feel like i belong ruth : that's okay too. you have all the time in the universe to decide what you want to be, youre in control of your own destiny barbie: the universe sounds nice actually, but there is one thing i need to do before i go *she fucking obliterates mattel's ceo and thats how she debuts as god*

not the best but better than her going to the fucking gyno as an ending

minor changes!

I think gloria and sasha should have gotten more development, making them mirror ruth and barbie wouldve been a nice touch. maybe an ending or after credits scene depicting the two of them having a similar conversation to the one i just described would have been silly. (also please take sasha more seriously that girl is right about everything and is listened to only a third of the time she actually gets lines. she could've been an excellent dead-pan comedic foil to the more absurdist jokes of the film, under utilized fave) big opportunity to make that conversation absolutely unhinged too:

gloria: you can be whatever you want in life kid sasha: *actively pinning up pictures of warner bros ceo david zaslav on a bulletin board with a big red x and looks directly into the camera* I know mom <3

mattel's depiction was barely passable. i have had enough of major companies being posed as villains but keeping them silly and unthreatening- its unfaithful and disrespectful to real life. start them off as silly and shitty, thats fine. it matches the tone of the movie- but as parallels between real life and the movie converge in the third act, mattel should start acting like the predatory company they actually are.

their investment in reinstating barbie as supreme leader over ken despite him making more money in the name of "feminism" would have never in a star death ever happen. literally the entire board only being men was a joke they really fucking made and still had them supporting women- it ruins the entire thesis of the movie and makes the message muddy. fix that, keep them forcefully trying to pair up barbie and ken but change it so its true life: nothing more than an effort to make more of a profit and bring patriarchy to barbieland. this would've brough the climax to an apex and match the stakes to my barbie god conclusion.

anyways yeah i loved the artistic direction of this movie and the casting but not much else! let me know if i missed anything and thx for reading

[themousefromfantasyland]

Barbieland, Patriarchy and Unequal Systems of Power

Spoiler alert!

Ken and the other Kens are the antagonists of the story. After he and Barbie go to the real world, Ken comes back to the Barbieland inspired by the real world's Patriarchy. He transforms Barbieland in Kendom, where Kens have all the power and all Barbies are submissive to them.

Barbie, the resistance led by Weird Barbie, and a mother and daughter she met in the real world, then save the day by pointing out all the inconsistencies and injustices women have to deal with in patriarchy. This fixes the brainwashing the Kens did on all the Barbies.

One criticism I see on the internet is that the movie was too nice and forgiving towards the Kens, and I disagree.

I don't think Ken is the villain of the story, but patriarchy itself.

I think the whole point of the film is that the patriarchy corrupts everyone, fails everyone and that unequal systems of power always breed their demise.

In the status quo of Barbieland, Kens has no jobs, are effectively homeless, and have no positions of power. They have no real independence and are just accessories to Barbies and Barbies are often dismissive of them.

This doesn't mean that Barbies are villains and Kens are the good guys. That's absurd. Barbies are often very nice and gentle with Ken, but because they are dolls. There's no real malice in any of them, which avoids all the more terrible consequences of these types of unequal systems. But it's still a system where some have all the power and resources and the others have to watch by the waist side.

The most important part here is that although Ken brings the patriarchy to Barbieland and brainwashes all the Barbies, there's no indication that he is doing that on purpose.

All we see is that Ken falls in love with a world where men rule and women are submissive and try to establish that in his homeland, and for some strange reason, all the Barbies agree with that. The Kens did not force anything on them. The Barbies for some reason, gave up their independence to live in a Ken world. There's even a joke comparing the Barbies' situation with the indigenous people's infection by colonizer's diseases, and I think that's the key to understanding the concept. If patriarchy acts like a virus that infects the Barbies, there's no indication that the same isn't true with all the Kens.

Patriarchy is a virulent ideology that infects everyone, men, and women alike. Several analyses link the Kens' sudden infatuation with patriarchy with young boys falling down the alt-right pipeline, and I think they are all correct. But there's also a subtle message here on girls being brainwashed by conservative movements.

Think about all the ways women can also be enablers of the patriarchy, of how much-internalized misogyny is a thing. Of all the women who somehow became fans of Donald Trump. Of all the TERFS. Of all women in Evangelical megachurches. Of Anita Bryant.

Is only by reminding them that the patriarchy doesn't give a hoot about their needs and well-being that they are rescued from these dangerous ideologies.

And now we reach the most important part.

The patriarchy is a system where men control and exploit other men, with misogyny being the only thing that gives this giant mess common ground. It's by making women the enemy to be controlled and exploited, that men forget that they are also being controlled and exploited.

In the end, the Barbies trick all Kens into fighting each other, and while they are busy fighting each other, the Barbies quickly reach power again.

Because Kens replace the unequal power system of Barbieland with an even more unequal system, a system that is so much worse that it actively feeds on their worst insecurities, the Kens lose, and Barbies win the day.

In the end, they are much glad that they lose, some even missing the company of their Barbie friends.

The Barbies forgive the Kens, but because they aren't saints, and won't give them everything they always wanted after being jerks with them for so long, they give a slightly more presence in Barbieland's judicial system. But this is enough to make them happy and bring peace back to Barbieland.

They are dolls, there's no actual malice in them. At their worse Kens are just jerks seduced by a poisonous real-world ideology. Real-world patriarchy is much, much worse and much more violent.

And by finding humanity in plastic dolls, maybe we can also fight cancerous ideologies that devour the brain of otherwise decent people and bring a more equal future to our real world.

[courtneysmovieblog]

We Need to Talk About Ken

All right, I guess we’re doing this.

As much as everyone adored Ryan Gosling’s take on Ken, we can’t have anything nice without causing discourse on the internet. Some people are blasting his storyline as Nice Guy villain apologia, others are willing to let him off the hook.

Let me start off by stating one thing: Ken isn’t evil.

Ken was created solely to be Barbie’s boyfriend. That was all the Kens’ purpose in Barbie-Land. Unfortunately, it turns out that the Barbies don’t really need (or want) boyfriends. While they don’t mistreat or dominate them in any way, they don’t really take their feelings into consideration either. So the Kens aren’t left with much else to do except cheer them on or compete with each other for their attention.

That’s the life Ken is used to. They’re still boyfriend/girlfriend because that’s the status quo. Even though it obviously still hurts when Barbie would rather hang out with her friends than him, he still accepts it. 

Until he goes with Barbie to the real world.

When he sees that men have power, he thinks it’s awesome. He’s not thinking in terms of how the patriarchy affects women. He doesn’t really want to hurt Barbie, he loves Barbie (or the idea of Barbie). In fact, when he sees the Mattel guys take her away, he almost goes after her, but then thinks that Barbie will be okay--because Barbie ALWAYS can handle herself. That’s the way it’s always been. He believes it’s more important to go home so he can share his newfound (childish) knowledge with his fellow Kens and make their lives better.

Keep in mind that we don’t actually see how Barbie-Land gets brainwashed into Kendom. According to Ken, all he did was explain to everyone how cool he thought it was. We can’t honestly think Ken knew that the Barbies would automatically be brainwashed into servitude--Ken is not bright enough to be an evil genius. It probably happened the same way Gloria was able to snap the Barbies back to normal with her big speech: unintentionally.

Think of it in terms of WandaVision: Wanda’s grief exploded out of her, turning WestView into her own personal sitcom land. She didn’t consciously mean to brainwash the residents, but she went along with it anyway because the Hex gave her everything she wanted. It wasn’t until later that she realized she was hurting people...but before that, she didn’t want to know.

Same thing with Ken. He sees the Kens happy and the Barbies happy, and thinks everything is cool. He thinks Barbie will like it too, but of course she tells him it’s wrong. And because he’s been infected with all the ideals of toxic masculinity, he doubles down. He refuses to give up his power and hurts Barbie the same way she rejected him.

Despite all that, deep down, he knows it’s wrong. The look on his face after he lashes out on her speaks volumes. Not even two pairs of sunglasses can hide it. 

This doesn’t excuse his behavior. I’m merely trying to explain it.

Hell, Barbie knows that Ken isn’t really evil and admits that she doesn’t want to hurt him. People have bristled at that, agreeing with Gloria that she shouldn’t be concerned about his feelings after he stole her house and (unintentionally) brainwashed all her friends. Even if it’s true, she still understands her part in all of this: she may not love Ken, but she could have maybe been a little kinder.

That’s the point Greta Gerwig is trying to make. One side having all the power never works out for everyone. Even the Barbies were better at governing than the Kens, that didn’t mean they shouldn’t have any say at all.

So it’s okay that Barbie apologized to Ken after everything was changed back to normal. Did he owe her an apology for everything he did? Absolutely. But, like I said before, sometimes the best apology is changed behavior. When he expresses that he doesn’t know who he is without her, she gently yet firmly tells him that he needs to find his own identity -- without her, without beach, and certainly not patriarchy.

And he finally listens.

He realizes that being “just Ken” is okay. He can find support and acceptance from his fellow Kens. He makes peace with Rival Ken, discovering that they have more in common than they thought.

The best apology he gives Barbie is letting her go with a smile and wave, wishing nothing but good things for her as she leaves Barbie-Land for the human world.

So no, Ken wasn’t evil. His actions were caused by hurt and misinformation, not true malice. It may not excuse his behavior, but he deserves sympathy because in the end, he does change for the better. That just my two cents, agree or disagree.

[plush-anon]

SCOOB! Stream of Consciousness Review

Here we are folks - I finally review the originally cinematic, fully CGI animated Scooby Doo Movie (one year later... I did not queue this as I thought I had last June - damn you, Tumblr. I’m not changing much here, so enjoy as it was intended).

Created by a team who have professed their affection for this mystery team and their meddling dog too, will this be a lush experience fit to satisfy any Hanna-Barbera fan? Or will it be a hot garbage cash-grab, littered with Easter eggs and references that do nothing to hide a meatless mess of outdated memes and shallow character development?

LET’S

FIND

OUT

Below this cut is my entire stream-of-consciousness review on the SCOOB! Movie, as experienced. SPOILER warning here - I’m digging into everything, no plot points spared. 

Here we go~

And we start off with a decent shot of the California coastline (looks like the kids backstory is front and center), some 90s hip-hop synthwave song about California, and OH SWEET JESUS THESE MODELS LOOK TERRIBLE

Ahem

Yeah, this is a problem right off the bat - some of these people in the opening shots look remarkably unfinished - think three shades above “Rapsittie Kids: Believe in Santa” level - and the animation on them is less than stellar. 

On the plus side, we do see a fantastic variety of ages, sizes, and races - there’s a brief blink-and-you’ll-miss-it Sikh man on roller skates playing a sitar - but when the designs look rushed in the opening shots, it’s not a fantastic sign. At least they’re brief, but it’s hard to see if this is a lower level of the film’s style due to rushed animation, or if they didn’t care to polish it up as much, given that it’s maybe a 30 second scene. 

Still, kudos to actually going for variety in the crowd shots. Minus kudos to making most of the clothes look like Play-doh draped over a Barbie doll. I’m not even kidding on that one, the clothes are super basic and barely have any sign of texture or creasing or even fabric/cut variety. Almost reminds me of the first Toy Story movie’s design for human clothes, yeesh. 

----

Ahh, our first introduction to Scooby Doo at a Greek gyro food stand. That’s foreshadowing right there folks! 😉

Sadly, he is really weirdly animated in his run sequence - he looks out of proportion as he’s running on his hind legs, and the human animation has really bad consistency - some background characters are really janky, while others actually move really nicely. The characters we immediately focus on seem to be pretty smooth at least, but that’s still very strange.

On a side note: Ruby and Spears Sub Sandwich shop. Nice 😁

----

They are reaaaally pushing the super over-the-top dramatic music for a bike cop chasing a dog that stole gyro meat

Why

It’s not even interesting chase music, just generic super-hyped-up chase music

----

And now we finally get to see a young Shaggy, standing next to a tie-dye food stand called Casey’s Confections that… sells meat. Hm. Guess WB hasn’t learned after all these years 🙄

Unfortunately, I’m not a huge fan of the kid they got to play him, Iain Armitage. He’s not a bad voice actor by any means, but he just doesn’t sound right for Shaggy. I know that as a kid he’d be much less likely to have a cracking/squeaky voice, but he sounds… it’s hard to pin down a word, but - precocious? Darling? Either way it doesn’t quite match, especially given how Shaggy sounds when he grows up via Will Forte. Just… no connection there. 

I tie it down to the particular vocal twangs and nuances the gang usually has. I’ll touch base on that note later I think, once we hit the teenage versions of the gang, but for now I’m just not feeling it. 

----

On the one hand, I empathize deeply with Shaggy and his Spotify’s unsettling ability to pinpoint his insecurities with song choices, and also deeply enjoy that one small gesture where his fingers kind of shake & tighten around his phone while he takes a deep breath to calm himself- it’s a very nice, subtle sign of frustration

On the other hand we just passed two guys with no nipples and an unerring likeness to a Ken doll in those Barbie movies, so I’m distracted by that now

(between this and Fred’s no-nipples in Happy Halloween SD!, is WB just terrified of giving men nipples in animated movies now? what gives?)

Also distracted by the thrifty lesbians who bought those two shirts that come together to make a heart in the middle, on the store’s 2 for 1 day

happy pride y’all!

---

Finally got context for the two sand piles!

Very, very sad context, but still! Progress!

Basically Shaggy’s practicing talking to people in order to learn how to make friends, since he either has no idea how, or has never had a friend before. So he’s trying to learn the right way to do it since his own attempts have failed

And him talking to these sand piles not only counts as practice, but he’s using them so that his mom thinks he’s spending time with friends like he told her

Ow :)

---

So ketchup leather is apparently a thing that exists

I’m learning so much today!

---

Given that Shaggy has no friends at this stage, but he’s still called Shaggy, I’m kind of wondering if that was a mean nickname that everyone called him, but he was just grateful for the interaction/pretended it was from friends, so he kept it 🤔

Actually, take it back, his mother is calling him that. Family nickname, maybe…?

----

Shaggy has Blue Falcon (classic) and Dynomutt funko pops

noice

---

Oof, you can reaaaaally hear the age in Frank Welker’s Scooby voice. Can we get Scott Innes back? He sounds almost identical to his performance 20+ years ago :/

Also talking waaaay too much - even SDMI Scooby wasn’t this wordy, and he NEVER shut the hell up 

----

Okay wait

So Shaggy met Scooby on Halloween day - then met the rest of the gang hours later?

Huh. And here I was thinking it would have been a few weeks minimum 

Although I have to say there is a lot here to work with, if it paces out how I think it does

Shaggy meets Scooby. Bare hours later, he buys him a collar (instead of his mom? weird) and asks him to stay with him, despite not really knowing him. Then, only a couple hours after that, he finally makes some friends… but only when Scooby is with him. 

Given that it looks like the gang are all around the same age in the same neighborhood, there’s a solid chance that they’ve taken classes together at the same school. If none of them met/knew/made friends with Shaggy then, but only did so AFTER Scooby came into the picture, that might lead to the argument we know about later when they split up; afterwards, S&SD go to the bowling alley, then get abducted by the Blue Falcon, plot continues. This could make it seem like they were only friends with him at the start because he had a dog. 

And the brief scene earlier with the music device shows that he tries to tamp down on his anger/doesn’t really address it - could lead to something more later 

hmmmm 🤔

---

Wait what

These two kid bullies just came out of nowhere, stole Shaggy’s candy… and then started on about how Halloween is only a marketing ploy to get companies to rot your teeth and go to the dentist more, before throwing the bag through a window and telling the two that ‘your blood sugar will thank us for it!’

Are - are these the brainwashed children of a Karen? Is that what I’m seeing?

I mean we could have had a Red Herring cameo, but apparently informing children about candy conspiracy theories is more important :/

----

Daphne: It’s Halloween - no one should go home without their candy

FD&V: *none of them have candy/candy bags*

???????

(Wouldn’t it make more sense if the bullies had stolen their candy too? What the hey man)

----

I do find it neat that we actually get to SEE the wires the ‘ghost’ uses to fly in full effect - that’s actually pretty cool, and not really something we get to see up close in older Scooby shows. Most of those just have the bad guy randomly flying about, and the wires revealed after the fact 

---

Actually, given how FD&V react to this ghost almost immediately… have they already been solving mysteries? It seems like it, given how smoothly they move together to capture him

That’s kind of odd in kids. Like, even in PNSD they weren’t perfectly in-sync on stuff

This then leads to the gang solving mysteries together… in spite of the fact that all Shag and Scoob did was hide in the wardrobe that had the stolen goods, while FD&V captured the dude 

Granted, they do ask Shag and Scoob if they wanna join in and say yes, but that seems like an strange jump after what could have been a one-time deal

I just find that a touch odd - esp when they could have had a five minute scene or so of them wandering around the house, touching on some old SDWAY traits. Heck, show that they’re SCARED in some way, and don’t immediately move to tackle what looks like a murderous spirit at age 8-9 or so. Even just showing the kids learning about each other would be enough, but what do I know. I’ve only watched Scooby Doo everything since I was 4 🙄

---

Ahhhh, and now for the updated rendition of the theme song

Where they’re all still kids doing everything the teenage gang did in the theme song

It doesn’t look as good as the OG, though - kind of like a computer game simulating the SDWAY intro using the PNSD kids in CGI. It’s honestly strange to see, and a little jarring - especially when we then transition to the older teenage gang right in the middle

Like, we don’t get to see you guys age through the song as you’re chased by/catch different monsters? That could have been pretty neat honestly - shows how long they’ve been doing this

Tho I gotta admit, seeing the Spooky Space Kook with his OG sound effects is pretty awesome, brief as it waoH MY GOD FRED WHY ARE YOU HAVING A ROMANTIC BEACHSIDE DATE WITH THE MYSTERY MACHINE��

THAT WASN’T IN THE ORIGINAL AND NO ONE ELSE GETS A CHARACTER INSIGHT SHOT LIKE THIS

WHY

----

Huh, looks like Ruby & Spears gave up their subway sandwich shop for a coffee shop

That apparently the gang goes to in order to eat malt shop food

okay?

----

Ah, and here’s where we finally look at the voice acting of the older teenage gang. Buckle up folks, cause I gotta lot to say

We’ll start with Fred, bc honestly? I think Efron actually fits him pretty dang well. He’s got a different cadence from Welker, true, but as far as an update goes? I think he’s a solid fit. Very much in line with the all-American kid that Fred’s kind of been slated as for the past 50 years or so, but updated more for the modern perspective. I call it solid (and possibly a replacement for whenever Welker decides to retire). 

Next? Oof. Velma is, IMHO, the weakest casting. Velma, no matter her voice actress, has ALWAYS had some form of nasal twang to her voice - that’s part of what makes her Velma to begin with, and helps her stand out. Nicole Jaffe, Pat Stevens, BJ Ward, Christina Lange (PNSD), Mindy Cohn, Kate Micucci, Linda Cardellini -heck, even Haley Kiyoko from ‘The Mystery Begins’ and Sarah Gilman from the ‘Daphne and Velma’ movie understood this! They all had that nasal twang to their voice - differing between actresses, of course, but still recognizable as Velma. Gina Rodriguez though? Honestly, it just sounds like she’s acting it straight. Not bad acting at all, by any means - she just doesn’t sound like Velma, and doesn’t seem to be trying to. (Honestly wondering if she was only hired bc she voices Carmen Sandiego in the reboot cartoon for the lolz fun reference! type connection) 

Daphne is sort of similar in voices, but hers is more of a pitch her voice hits - Heather North, Mary Kay Bergman, and Grey Delisle Griffin all have that pitch they hit naturally when speaking. Amanda Seyfried? Does not - in fact, her voice is actually deeper than I was expecting - but it’s not quite as big a difference as it is for Velma. It fits her character type okay, and she does well with it overall.  

And finally, the most controversial one: Will Forte’s Shaggy. 

I’ll go ahead and say this: he’s not Scott Menville levels of bad Shaggy voice acting. If I were to place him on a list, I’d probably put him around Billy West level - kind of sounds similar via vocal tics (voice cracking, likes and zoinks, etc), but his own voice just overtakes the impression he’s seeking to hit. When I hear him speak, I don’t really hear Shaggy; I just hear Will Forte trying to do an impression of Shaggy. 

In comparison: when Scott Innes took over for Shaggy, it was like Casey Kasem’s, just a touch more of a twang to his voice and just a dash over-the-top - but it was still Shaggy, and you didn’t doubt that for a minute.

Same thing for Lillard, but maybe moreso - he was pretty much the most perfect casting for a live-action Shaggy there could be at the time Scooby Doo (2002) was made. Him taking over for Kasem from there made perfect sense: he was honestly the best cast Mystery Inc member of the live-actions, and a lot more recognizable to the general public as Shaggy than Scott Innes was. He could also do different emotions with Shaggy that not a lot of the other voice actors had the chance to do (mainly bc script), so for future stuff they have that flexibility, if they wanted to play around a little more. 

With any luck Forte will get better over the course of the movie, but honestly the casting could have been so much better with Matt Lillard and Kate Micucci. 

----

Shaggy Rogers, evading taxes since 2020

----

siMON COWELL??!? 

WHAT THE

WHY?!?!?

ALSO HIS CHARACTER DESIGN STYLE IS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FROM THE REST OF THE GANG WHAT IS EVEN GOING ON?!!?

IS HE SUPPOSED TO BE THE SD CELEBRITY CAMEO

LIKE

IF YOU WERE GOING TO DO A CAMEO FROM AMERICAN IDOL WHY NOT RYAN SEACREST 

HE TOOK OVER FOR CASEY KASEM ON THE AMERICAN TOP 40 WOULDN’T THAT MAKE MORE SENSE

aaauuuggghhh

---

Also he’s there as a potential investor in Mystery Inc as a detective agency

A music industry professional… is interested in funding a detective agency.

Like… did he miss out on Josie & the Pussycats? Is that why he’s here?

----

Wait a minute

Oh noooooo

I know why he’s here

I remember this spoiler

Shit

-----

And once again, here is your reminder to tell Simon Cowell a great big fcuk you

Only this time it’s for making Shaggy and Scooby feel worthless and saying that friendship is worthless and cannot be counted on for anything worthwhile

Simon Cowell: Professional Dickhead

---

Welp, at least this gives a solid reason why they leave: Simon Cowell was being a professional dickhead, and the gang didn’t really say anything against him or interrupt him on his whole ‘Shag and Scoob are worthless spiel’

Or, well... Daphne stepped up some, but more to say ‘they’re our friends!’ rather than ‘that’s entirely wrong, our friends aren’t worthless!’ Better than nothing, but yeesh

----

Ahhh, Takamoto Bowling - the emptiest bowling alley in the evenings this side of Coolsville 

(no seriously, the past few times my dad has taken my sister and me bowling pre-pandemic, no matter the day or time? it’s ALWAYS got more than 6 lanes of people there, what the heck)

Also Scooby wears three bowling shoes, which honestly makes more sense than I thought it would - that pup goes spinning and sliding every which way on a normal floor, bowling alley floors would be like ten times worse

----

here’s a nice little detail - when Scooby sees one of the bowling pins peek out with red eyes and he yells that to Shaggy, Shaggy actually squints and walks closer to see if it actually does have eyes

aww

----

Huh, okay 

Panicked Will Forte Shaggy actually sounds more like a good Shaggy voice than normal talking Will Forte Shaggy

I can dig it

---

Still kind of underwhelmed by the Shag and Scoob disguise scene - wouldn’t it make more sense to have them like, dish up hot sauce or something on a plate that nonsensically makes the robots overheat before they discover their ruse?

Idk, maybe they’re off their game after Simon ‘Dickhead’ Cowell

---

Carlton Way - must be named after Fred’s only other voice actor, Carlton Stevens of PNSD

Also Hanna’s Barber Shop is next to Barbera’s Pizza! Cute.

And… Pitstop’s Pink Perfume ad. Wait, who is that? *assorted googling noises*

...ahhh, Penelope Pitstop from Wacky Races! Who, according to Wikipedia, was revealed to have Greek ancestry in the 2016 Wacky Raceland comic book, having been born on the island of Aegina

Now I’m wondering if we’ll see her in this too, given Cerberus...

----

Honestly kind of fascinating to see the gang with a police radio in their van

Also fascinating to see that only main characters are allowed clothing variety and texture/creases/folds

---

it’s actually really sweet to see Fred, upon hearing that Shag and Scoob are likely in danger, immediately makes a 90 degree turn in traffic

---

It looks like they changes Dee Dee’s name a hair - now it’s Dee Dee Skyes, instead of Sykes

It works well for the Falcon aesthetic, so that’s cool

----

Shaggy, after Dee Dee tells them that Dastardly’s trying to kill them: Scoob, someone thinks we’re important enough to *mimes slitting throat*!

Scooby: It’s nice to be wanted.

Excellent! This movie has captured Shag and Scoob’s blasé attitude towards death! Now we’re onto a solid Scooby film :D

Dee Dee: Hmm, I hear that!

And they even have a friend to share in their attitude! Splendid!

----

Christ, I can work photoshop better than Blue Falcon can, and I don’t even know how to use photoshop

I will give major kudos on his costume tho - it maintains the important elements of the OG Falcon, while still updating it with more bird-related aesthetic, like the feathered appearance of parts of his costume, the split cape resembling the tail feathers, and the talon gauntlets & boots. neat!

---

Yooo, Dynomutt, I thought secret identities were still a thing with Superheroes, what the hey are you doing giving it out to a duo you literally just picked up behind a bowling alley

Ngl, I’m kinda hoping we get some scenes where Dynomutt messes up a little like in the OG cartoon - this one feels really serious, which is kind of strange

---

Okay now I want to see older!Blue Falcon come in for a cameo

Mainly bc I’m getting the feeling that this one is a major dumbass, and not in the fun and friendly himbo kind of way 😑

---

Wait, THAT’S our first look at Dastardly? That’s a bit abrupt, isn’t it?

Also his ship must be pumping thousands of gallons of toxins into the air, that smoke cloud looks hideous. Forget logging into his mom’s Netflix account like the trailer said, EPA should probably be hunting him for sport with a laser cannon, jesus fcuking christ

---

Honestly kinda want a plane you can pilot like a motorbike now

---

Welp, it looks like we have a fun, mustache-twirly, puns-aplenty, loves-to-be-bad kind of villain on our hands folks! This is gonna be FUN AS HECK

---

Eurgh, this scene - the super-stiff-but-stretched-out ‘yeeurgh’ faces really squick me for some reason, but I can’t really pinpoint why

---

I have decided I highly dislike the Brian Blue Falcon, or Brian Falcon for short, and would like to see Dastardly tie him to some railroad tracks

---

North St for Heather North, and… wait… Funland Carnival? Like where Charlie the Robot hung out?

Apparently that’s in Romania.

A very yellow-greenfilter Romania at that.

 Like, I’ve seen blue washes on movies trying to portray evening in the middle of the day so they don’t actually have to shoot at night, but yellow? That’s normally used for deserts and hot days and uhhh 

NOT for evenings in a country with landscape like THIS

odd

(I mean I guess they got the mountains and trees right, but still. Yellow filters make a place look arid, which Romania is Not, to my knowledge)

----

Dude, Brian Falcon is such an idiot even Shaggy and Scooby, commonly portrayed as the idiots of Mystery Inc, look at him like he’s a moron.

(They are Not Amused.)

Also Brian Falcon is an absolute coward. That’s new. Even Shaggy and Scooby face off against the robots directly in a Whack-a-Mole game and destroy some. Dude, get your head in the fcuking game already, yikes

--

Woah, Laff-a-Lympics, Wacky Races, Hex Girls, The Banana Splits, Penelope Pitstop, Space Stars, Posse Impossible, and Hong Kong Phooey easter eggs in one shot

Geezus

--- 

Another nice moment: when cornered by Dastardly, Shaggy moves to stand in front of Scooby to protect him

---

Dastardly (to Shaggy): I don’t care about YOU. You’re not REMOTELY important!

*proceeds to shoot Shaggy THROUGH the ceiling and up into the highest car on a Ferris Wheel where Brian Falcon is hiding like a man baby*

Welp, so much for a fun and zany villain. Time for this Plush Anon to kill a bitch *cocks shotgun*

I will, too - kudos to the animators for hurting me so badly with the face Shaggy made right before being shot because

OW

---

Ehehehhehe, yess, the infamous ‘Dick’ scene

Dastardly: No, I’m a DICK. With a D!

You sure are, you sack of dildos with a D!

This scene had to be put in on purpose - if this had been released in theaters, I just know the adults would be dying in laughter 🤣🤣🤣

----

Shaggy: Brian, do something! 

Brian Falcon: Like what?

Shaggy: Like, drop some F-Bombs!

love it 😂

---

Is it like movie law now, that if there’s an action scene with a Ferris Wheel in the background, it has to fall off and roll down a mild incline like a wheel? Because it kinda feels like it

---

Aha! Dastardly said his drats! Perfection.

Now to shoot him through a ceiling to make them matter even more :D

---

OOF. 

Well that hurt. 

Poor Shaggy - basically internalizing now that he’s the worthless one and weak link of the group now that Scooby is considered more important

---

Holy fcuk I’m crying

Shaggy just broke Brian Falcon down to his deepest insecurities without even trying while talking to him

He even used the words ‘imposter syndrome’ 

Shaggy hon, you’re the best

----

Oh hey, Fred, Daphne, and Velma! It’s been a while since we saw you guys again, what are you doing?

Arguing about the metric system and realizing that Shaggy and Scooby reminding them to eat periodically helped them keep a clearer head...

And using the word ‘hangry’.

But then looking through a ridiculously cute photo album of the two and a video the gang took together (the video is honestly really heckin’ cute, 10000/10 would recommend)...

And then getting pulled over so Fred can have a brief ‘oo-la-la’ montage about the pretty blonde cop who honest-to-gods looks like a Barbie doll.

Where Daphne then describes how ugly Dastardly is...

Right before the petite blonde cop who’s maybe like 5’7” at best rips off her outfit to reveal it was Dick Dastardly this entire time, all 7ish feet of him.

And then kidnaps them all along with the Mystery Machine while he makes terribly fun dorky puns

…

...SO BACK TO SCOOBY AND SHAGGY...

---

...where Scooby is making kissy faces in the mirror while wearing his Blue Falcon uniform

Hrm, that’s not really better is it

We actually see Shaggy reading (OG) Blue Falcon’s autobiography, and making hurt but snide comments about Scooby’s ego

Which are actually pretty clever tbh

-----

Cooooooongratulations, Fred Jones! You are now officially a full-on himbo!

----

Alas, poor Daphne. While your knowledge of the tropes of your show might have served you well in other places, this was to be a theatrical release once upon a time, and so such knowledge falls to ruin.

----

You know, I just realized - we’re never really told HOW the Cerberus skulls work, both in how each skull can be used to find the others,  and, presumably, in releasing Cerberus itself. We’re given a brief glance-over of Scooby’s ancestry (and I mean REALLY damn brief), and a quick mention that these are supposed to be Cerberus’ skulls being stolen, but… that’s it. Nothing else is given. 

Now, I read the first few chapters of my SCOOB! Junior Novelization, and it actually went into further detail about the skulls themselves and what Dastardly’s initial plan was early in the book - open the gates of Hades and obtain the seas of treasure therein. It acted as an introduction both to the climatic endgame we’ll face at the end of the movie, and to Dastardly, who uses the same disguise trick he used as the Barbie cop when he stole the first one in South America. 

(They actually DID plan to use this as Dastardly’s intro, but cut this… 3 minute scene for time. Yeah. See below video for the details - honestly think they should have kept it in. Saves time later and definitely more show than tell, compared to what we got)

I feel like that would be a better introduction to him than the one we got - hell, it would have fit in quite neatly after the revamped theme song montage. They could have the scene with Dastardly finding/stealing the first skull as an introduction (as above), then have him answer a call or something. Exposit openly “You found the key! Excellent! Now where are we going next?” 

THEN cut to the diner/coffee shop scene we had earlier. We still wouldn’t know exactly what the key was/entailed off the bat, and they could still have FD&V find out on their own - maybe by hacking the little robot instead? IDK.

---

The final skull is on Messick Mountain.

Cute.

On a side note, I do love how Dastardly’s ship interior looks - very dieselpunk

---

Velma just hacked into Dynomutt… somehow, and I finally get my wacky Dynomutt shenanigans!  Hazoo!

...sadly that was really dang brief. Realistic, yes, but still too brief. 

---

Eyyyy, we finally get the whys of why Scooby is needed! … really dang fast. 

Also Fred says Jinkies. 

----

Hey, Muttley popped up! In a shrine… to his demise… that we find out he reached when Dastardly pushed him forward into the Underworld to steal the treasure of Alexander the Great in a portal he rigged up… only for both of them to find out it was a one-way deal unless they used the key to be able to come back. The key, of course, being Scooby Doo, descendent of Peritas, Alexander’s dog. 

Eh, workable enough-ish. It’s interesting to see that Dastardly, despite how much he disliked Muttley in the older cartoons, still cares about him to a certain extent. 

---

Pfff, Fred’s a poor man’s Hemsworth XD

---

Sweet, we’re in ‘Journey to the Center of the Earth’ now!

---

Um

O W W W

You guys really had to do the ‘me or them’ thing with Shaggy and Scooby… and tHeN hAvE sCoObY cHoOsE tHe FaLcONs?!? Just because they said he was important as “the key” and gave him a spandex costume.

Over at least 7 years of friendship. 

Booooooooooooo

---

actually no I’m Not Done Yet

This whole scene is a mess.

Like

Shaggy’s turn was really dang fast… but I can still see how he gets to it. It’s at least a day between Scooby being chosen as a pseudo-sidekick and the island arrival, during which Shaggy’s talk with the main adult (who has taken up the mantle of his favorite superhero) essentially confirms his feelings of worthlessness and leaves him to stew for HOURS on end (on top of another adult, Dastardly, who also calls him “not even REMOTELY important” at the carnival before freaKING SHOOTING HIM THROUGH THE CEILING NO I AM NOT OVER THIS). Tie that to a teenager who also believes his only friends have come to think he’s meaningless baggage, and suddenly his entire support system is vanishing underneath him to one of his former idols without ANY sign of hesitation from Scooby’s part (with the exception of the collar scene, but I don’t think that that means the same to Scooby, given how quickly he bounces back)

Scooby tho… hrm. It could be that he’s clinging to the good feelings Brian Falcon inspires in him (by choosing him as the next possible Dynomutt), as a way to overpower how FD&V hurt him, while also building on how he came to love the duo because SHAGGY loved them so much. But the movie doesn’t frame that up… at all?? At least compared to Shaggy. 

Idk, maybe I’m missing something, but this scene is a mess through and through

Boooooo

----

Scooby: *tries to leap into Brian Falcon’s arms like he did with Shaggy but falls*

Brian: Uh, what are you doing?

Scooby: Rhaggy never missed. 

Damn straight he didn’t

---

oh hey, it’s Captain Caveman

I was wondering when we’d see him.

---

AAAUUGGHH

It’s that blink-and-you’ll-miss-it scene from the trailers I sobbed over - the one with Shaggy holding Scooby’s collar

Fun fact it actuALLY FADES INTO THE FLASHBACK

THAT WAS NOT A TRAILER THING THAT’S ACTUALLY HERE IN THE MOVIE

OW

---

Oh No

Fred is here, alone, after that whole scene with Dastardly saying he had a use for Fred

...while that’s likely Dastardly in a Fred suit (that sounds creepy just typing it), I’m still going to enjoy this brief but absolutely lovely hug Shaggy and Fred share...

(seriously tho, look at this, it’s a genuinely close, squish-your-lungs-out kind of hug, I love it)

...as well as Shaggy, who's still hurt from his fight with Scooby, immediately gearing up to go help him after hearing Dastardly’s trying to kidnap him.

----

Brian Falcon and Scooby Doo now have to take on Captain Caveman in gladiatorial combat in order to claim the final skull of Cerberus

I love cartoons sometimes

----

Captain Caveman just put the smackdown on Brian Falcon and punched him into the ground up to his CHEST

Then smacked him so far into a wall he cracked the stone around him!

GodDAMN is this satisfying 😆 altho minor question here: how did he gain the rank of Captain? Do cavepeople have a naval force?

---

He just whirled Scooby around his head, then spun him so fast his costume broke off

I may have to look into some Captain Caveman stuff now, that’s fantastic

---

Shaggy and Fred - sorry, “Fred” -  just smashed through to the colosseum in the Mystery Machine

And Dynomutt just fired missiles at Captain Caveman to smash him into an Amigara-shaped hole of himself

I REALLY love cartoons sometimes

---

Oh No

Just as Shaggy starts trying to apologize, “Fred” kicks him in the back, rips off his disguise to normal Dastardly self, and kidnaps Scooby atop the skull, before revealing he destroyed the Falcon Fury jet

New tagline for this movie? Shaggy Rogers and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day

...at least the rest of the gang is back together?

---

Brian Falcon: *Immediately tries to blame Shaggy for inadvertently leading Dastardly to them, while storming up to get in his face*

Fred: *upon realizing BrianF is blaming Shaggy for everything, without a SINGLE moment’s hesitation, immediately leaps in to defend Shaggy and physically push back Brian Falcon several feet*

We stan one Himbo, theydies and gentlethem

Also?

Velma (sneering): What kind of hero blames other people for his problems? *Walks over to comfort Shaggy with Daphne, while Shaggy looks dumbfounded they’re defending him bc he also blames himself for Scooby’s kidnapping*

This. This right here, is the kind of Mystery gang content I wanna see.

I don’t care how the rest of this movie goes now, this scene right here is ambrosia to the Scooby fan’s soul, and therefore makes this entire movie worth it, outdated memes, lingo, and all

---

Cackling rn - Fred and Brian Falcon are in a point-off a la the Spiderman meme 😂

or, more specifically, the post-credits sequence of Spiderverse where they’re arguing about who started pointing first

It gets better when Velma and Daphne try to pull each other off of their pushing fight, and Velma grumbles “Toxic Masculinity” I’m crying

---

WOAH

More super Shaggy stuff here (apart from being flung through a building roof without a scratch) - he pushes apart both groups effortless, and even knocks them back several feet

If we estimate Dynomutt as… we’ll say 450 since he’s made of metal, Falcon at 220, Dee Dee at 160, that’s about 830 lbs on one side

Then Fred, Daphne and Velma on the other (hmm, 180, 150, 130?) would be around 460 lbs

Dang boi

---

Oh honey no, it’s not your fault

But dang if he didn’t get a good message from it, one I’ve done my best to transcribe here:

“I was afraid that... things were gonna change. And they did change. But like, that’s okay! People can grow. But it doesn’t mean that we’re growing apart. Because the one thing that will never change is that Scooby Doo is my best friend! Ten years ago, a little boy made a promise to a stray puppy that he’d never leave him no matter what. And I’m gonna keep that promise! Now it’s time we stopped that mustachioed menace from opening the gates to the {underworld} and letting loose that fearsome {Cerberus}. So what do you say we get out {of here}, and go get my always-snacking, never-lacking, often-napping dog back? Who’s with me?”

Honestly not a bad message for kids. Things will change, people will change, but that doesn’t mean you have to stop being friends. (Obvs real life exceptions apply, but that’s not a bad note honestly)

...shame that that conclusion comes right the FUCK outta nowhere

Like

How, exactly, did he come to this conclusion? WHEN? What inspired him to realize this, what was the impetus for this specific line of thought, that it’s okay for friends to change?

It kinda feels like this should have been either the happy ending speech given after they’ve saved the world, or one at the start of the third act, like if Shaggy arrives when Scooby thinks he’s chased him away and ruined everything, and Shaggy & the gang still save him. And Scooby asks him why he did that - when Scooby tried to change himself to fit what Brian Falcon wanted, instead of treasuring the friend he still had, or maybe why Shaggy reacted the way he did. THEN Shaggy gives the speech we hear, a la:

“I yelled at you because… like, because I was scared. I was scared that... things were gonna change. And they did change. But like, that’s okay! People can grow. But it doesn’t mean that we’re growing apart. Because the one thing that will never change is that YOU’RE my best friend! Ten years ago, a little boy made a promise to a stray puppy that he’d never leave him no matter what. And I mean to keep it!” 

At least that would make a little more sense to me. Again, not a bad speech, but a little rearranging would help to really hit home. 

---

Okay, now we’re back with Dastardly in Greece, and suddenly the background people all look MILES better than the ones at the start of the movie. Did they just forget to polish the first two minutes of film, what the heck?

Also, Dastardly’s ship is literally the entire length of the Greek ruins presented o_O

---

HOLY SHIT THE SKULLS TURNED BACK TIME AND MADE THE RUINS INTO AN ENTIRELY RESTORED PALACE WITH THE GATES OF THE UNDERWORLD BEFORE THEM

They’re also colored a very atmospheric neon arrangement that’s surprisingly quite tasteful ^.^

----

The Mystery Machine can fly now!!! eeheeheeeheeheeheeheeee

----

And so we finally see Cerberus, a massive, towering figure with sharp teeth and pffffffhahahhahaa why are all three heads wearing Spartan helmets

To its credit, they’re also wearing basic body armor, wrist guards, tail spikes, etc, but the helmets are killing me 🤣 who thought to stick that onto the dog? Did Hades forget to remove the armor after winning the Gods’ Pet Costume Contest, or was it like that horse in the ATV costume - it felt safer so it didn’t let anyone take it off?

Or was this a precaution against Herakles coming back? These are questions - hilarious, hilarious questions 😁

---

Awww. Scooby immediately runs to the battered Mystery Machine to rip the doors open for the gang!

And… wait. THIS is where that wonderful hug was in the trailers? I thought that was at the end of the movie when everyone was safe!

This now does not bode well. But we’ll worry about that later. Time to enjoy this gorgeous wonderful hug of the entire gang, and Shag and Scoob apologizing to each other for fighting 🥰

Yet another scene to make the rest of this movie worth the rest

(halfway wanna frame this shit and put it on the wall, it’s that lovely)

----

Fantastic! Dastardly is now in Hell, where I’ve been wishing him this entire movie! :D

And dang… he actually apologizes to what he believes is a dead Muttley. Who is, naturally, snickering at all of this. The two bicker predictably, but eventually hug and make up, too happy to see each other to resort to old habits. Honestly a nice little scene, all-in-all. 

---

Back to the gang and they’re doing the glowy eyes in the dark bit! I actually haven’t seen that in a Scooby movie forever, it’s neat.

Also Fred is now going full Liam Neeson over his van, war paint and all, using the tire cover as a shield and… holy shit. 

HOLY SHIT

THE ASCOT IS BAAAnnnnnd it’s gone. Boy, that was… short. 

Fred just ran full-tilt at Cerberus, screaming like a mad man, before getting flicked away by its big toe, and losing the ascot and makeshift shield. It punched so hard his facepaint came off

It was fun while it lasted y’all

---

Heyyy, Shag and Scoob just came up with the plan, and it’s actually solid! I’m so proud, and so is the rest of the gang! Also willingly going to distract Cerberus while the rest figure out how to close the gate and stuff Cerberus back in

I love my boys 😊

---

Annnnd there goes Brian Falcon like the coward he is

To… call his dad? And admit he isn’t a hero.

Only for Dynomutt to point out Shaggy and Scooby are taking him on and are terrified. 

This then cuts to Shaggy and Scooby running around in a chariot and gladiator wear, running back and forth a la the door gag from Cerberus to the OG SDWAY theme

I think I love this movie

(although they’re hinting at Dynomutt being resentful of OG Blue Falcon essentially abandoning him to his incompetent son, and I really wish it had been touched upon more

that’s actually rather heartbreaking, when you stop to think about it, and there’s a lot that could be done with an additional two minutes of screentime) 

---

Huh, another good message for kids: it’s okay to fail and be scared, so long as you keep going and try to do what’s right.

Two good messages for kids in one movie. Not too shabby, on the whole. 

---

Brian Falcon just flew in and punched the three-headed dog, then jumped into its mouth as it tried to eat Scooby, resisted the MASSIVE JAW STRENGTH, and got them out of there safe and sound

Finally, something heroic!

-- 

I was wondering where Dastardly and Muttley got off to - apparently they’re off to take a money bath.

Aight

---

Shag and Scoob have now convinced the Rotten Robots to turn into bowling balls to knock Cerberus off their feet a la the classic marbles pratfall back into the underworld

That is a sentence I just wrote

----

OH FCUK NO

NO

ABSOLUTELY NOT NO

YOU ARE TELLING US THAT AFTER ALL OF THIS - ALL OF THIS - ONE OF THEM HAS TO STAY IN THE UNDERWORLD TO LOCK THE GATE

THAT OCTOBER LEAKER WAS RIGHT WHAT THE HELL

LITERALLY SO

I mean i know its a kids film specifically Scooby Doo so happy ending but what the literal FUCK

---

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUGGHHH

SHAGGY NOOOO

“Buddy, back when we were kids, you saved me. Now, it’s my turn.”

and he dOES THIS WHILE HOLDING SCOOBY’S HEAD TENDERLY IN HIS HANDS

AND WHEN EVERYTHING REVERTS IT’S JUST RUBBLE AND RUIN AND SCOOBY’S LEFT SOBBING OPENLY AT NOTHING

AND THE GANG ALL COME TO CLING AT HIM AND CRY OVER THEIR FRIEND WHO THOUGHT HE WAS WORTHLESS MOST OF THE MOVIE AND THOUGH THAT THE GANG THOUGHT THE SAME ABOUT HIM

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHH

---

WELP, TIME TO COPE WITH INAPPROPRIATE HUMOR

Shaggy: I yelled at my dog, got him kidnapped, and ended up helping the bad guy to open the gates to Hell. Guess I’ll die. 

Dee Dee: Well actually, this is more Dastardly’s fault because -

Shaggy, yelling as he slams his hand against the lock: GUESS I’LL DIE!!!

----

Ah, so the writers wrote themselves into a corner, and the only way out was a Deus Ex Machina (at least, I think I’m using that term correctly…) 

Because to get Shaggy back, a giant statue of Alexander the Great and Peritas appears out of nowhere - literally, since it definitely wasn’t there before - with an inscription Scooby has to read to get Shaggy back.

This would have been a lot more effective if we’d seen it when Dastardly arrived in Greece - maybe even as the marker for where the gate to the Underworld was. Have Alexander facing one way, and Peritas facing the other. You open the gate on Alexander’s side, and come home on Peritas’ side. Having this unfold into the gate gives it more purpose than “magically appears right the fcuk outta nowehere” and you could have a pun with the “backdoor” escape. Everybody wins!

And if that’s too good for ya, how about a brief lingering shot by it at some point as Dastardly flies into Greece, behind where the gate materializes, or directly across from it on the plaza? Maybe have one of the gang kick it after Shaggy leaves, and say ‘This is all your fault! Why would you make something like this?’

It’d still be a magical contrivance, but at least it would make some fcuking SENSE.

(Granted it DID lead to this hilariously ominous shot, so maybe I shouldn’t complain:)

---

Velma: I finally figured out what you guys are! You’re the heart of Mystery Inc.

Me: YEAH BABY! *flips over table* I’VE BEEN SAYING THAT SHIT FOR YEARS AND NOW, I’M FCUKING VALIDATED AT LAAAAAAAAST!

----

Shaggy: *rips off Dastardly’s face to reveal…*

ALL: SIMON COWELL??!?

Me, choking on food: I’m sorry WHAT?!?!?

Velma: *takes off mask again to reveal*

ALL: DICK DASTARDLY?!?

Dastardly: Drat! No one ever goes for the double unmasking. 

So I was right all along - Simon Cowell truly was a Dick this entire time.

-----

And so we close on the gang unveiling a Mystery Machine paint job on their official detective agency building, Brian Falcon living the good life as the DJ at their party, the Falcon team gifting a sleek new Mystery Machine to the gang (which honestly looks pretty unique - it’s not the classic, but it is something new that isn’t awful, so kudos there), and the gang on their way to another mystery.

So, at the end of the day is this a good Scooby movie? 

Meh? *waves hand in meh motion* But it definitely had its moments. 

This Scooby film is flawed as heck, no doubt about it - the plot has a MAJOR problem with telling instead of showing, some parts feeling out of order or WAY too short, and of course the deus ex machina ending. I honestly would have loved some more time for their first mystery as kids, where we actually got more character moments/bonding from Fred, Daphne, and Velma as they solved it the more traditional route, as well as not framing FD&V as super duper mystery solvers right off the bat??? 

The stuff with Blue Falcon isn’t AWFUL, per se, but it is ridiculously satisfying to see him get smacked around. Captain Caveman was honestly one of the funniest bits in the movie, same with Dynomutt. 

As far as the character stuff? It all felt fairly natural, progression-wise. Shag and Scoob don’t have this big break-up with the gang - they’re hurt by the literal Dickhead’s comments the gang don’t speak up against, and go to blow off some steam together. Shag and Scoob don’t have this giant blow-up argument - it builds over the film into a hurt spat they both recognize they overreacted to almost immediately. The gang (FDV) go looking for them almost as soon as they leave, and, upon hearing they’re in danger, turn and head towards them to save them, realizing how important the two are to Mystery Inc along the way. They defend each other, help each other, have some of the Best Dang Animated Mystery Inc hugs I ever did see - THIS feels more like the Gang I’ve been waiting for forever to come back to DTV (and in a rough sense, did). While I do wish we’d gotten more screen time of FD&V, what we got wasn’t too bad. 

Weirdly enough, at the end of the day, I’ve actually grown more accustomed to Forte’s Shaggy - it feels like it fits this different style a touch more than I originally thought, and holy hell if I didn’t come close to tears at that ending gate scene, he knocked that one out of the park.  Velma still doesn’t feel much like Velma, but I did get used to it by the end. I kept cracking up at Efron’s Fred, and no complaints on Seyfried’s Daphne.

Jason Isaacs as Dick Dastardly absolutely killed it. Blue Falcon Crew was okay (excepting Mark “The Racist” Wahlburg - it was just him talking, no real effort. You could recognize Wahlburg right off the bat, acting as a goofy douche) and freaking Captain Caveman was awesome. Apparently they combined both Billy West and Don Messick’s recordings for Muttley (awesome!!!), so this may very well be Don Messick’s final role in a Scooby Doo film. 

It got off to a rough start, but ended well enough. The animation was solid, the writing has some unexpectedly clever and funny moments sprinkled throughout, with some pretty fun action sequences on the side. Watching this, I really do believe that the people working on it love Scooby Doo and all things Hanna-Barbera… at least in their own way. 

I ended up buying this instead of just renting it ($5 more, why not) and I am honestly glad I did so. Despite its flaws, it has some great moments with the gang as friends, and I have been Craving That Shit for DECADES

And if these writers/directors ever did another Scooby film? I think I’d be up for giving them a chance - at least so long as we got some more absolutely BEAUTIFUL hugs with the gang

I hope you enjoyed this stream-of-consciousness reaction to SCOOB! (2020)... a whole ass year LATER, admittedly (I didn’t switch my Save Post to Queue, curse my hubris), but hopefully y’all’ve been entertained. Good night everybody!

[mst3kproject]

Attack of the Puppet People

This is the other movie Bert I. Gordon namedropped in Earth vs the Spider.  The screenplay was by John Worthing Yates, a guy who has a name that sounds like a Byronic poet but mostly wrote giant bug movies.  It stars June Kenney from that movie and Bloodlust!, John Hoyt from Lost Continent and The Time Travellers, and yep, John Agar.  The title is pretty much a lie, too – unless it refers to Agar tearing the head off a marionette.

Dolls Incorporated is a small toy company in Los Angeles.  The owner, Mr. Franz, needs a new secretary and hires Sally Reynolds, who is fresh out of college and has no family – an interesting choice, especially when we discover his previous secretary has vanished without a trace.  Sally soon notices that Mr. Franz has a weird habit of treating his dolls like real people, and comes to worry about his mental health.  When a salesman, Bob Wesley, asks her to marry him she is more than happy to leave the unnerving Mr. Franz behind, but Mr. Franz does not intend to let her.  With some technobabble and a contraption made out of photography equipment, he shrinks both Bob and Sally down to Barbie size to join his collection of human dolls! Somehow they must make their way back up to his office in order to un-shrink themselves, but it’s a very long way when you’re only a foot tall.

(The point of including clips from The Amazing Colossal Man, by the way, appears to have been a ham-fisted bit of foreshadowing with the line I’m not growing – you’re shrinking!  Which… okay, sure, if that made everybody feel better about the shameless self-promotion.)

The movie was made very quickly in order to capitalize on The Incredible Shrinking Man and I have to say, it puts significant effort into not being merely a ripoff. It’s not nearly as ambitious as its model in terms of special effects, but it has much more plot, being an actual story rather than a psychological study, although it does some of that, too.  I suspect that this was an idea that either Gordon or Yates had sitting around anyway and they welcomed the excuse to put it into production.

In terms of its story, this is actually one of Bert I. Gordon’s better efforts.  Like The Amazing Colossal Man, it tries to explore character a little rather than just being a monster rampage, and the character it’s interested in is Mr. Franz’.  He’s a deeply lonely man who feels everybody he cares about abandons him – starting with his wife, who ran off with a boyfriend long ago – and therefore goes to great lengths to keep them.  This obsession has grown worse and worse, until now people he’s only known a few weeks are subject to his captivity.  When he believes the police are on to him, he decides to commit suicide and take all his prisoners with him, because even in death he cannot bear to leave them behind.

The movie does occasionally waste our time, as in the sequence where one of the human dolls is commanded to sing, but not very often. Things like the tiny cat, or Sally’s efforts to go to the police, seem like sidelines but later turn out to be quite important.  My favourite part is when Franz is forced to leave his little people unsupervised when a friend drops in on him with a lengthy story to tell – he knows he can’t leave them alone for too long but he also doesn’t want to be rude to his buddy, so he keeps trying to make excuses and things get more and more awkward.  I’m pretty sure any introvert can identify with the situation, even those of us who are not mad scientists.

Attack of the Puppet People also has some of the better effects shots I’ve ever seen in Bert I. Gordon.  The dolls in their cases are nothing but paper cut-outs, always carefully held face-on to the camera in an attempt to preserve the illusion, and there are very visible seams around a miniature cat in Franz’ hands, but the images of tiny people interacting with oversized objects are actually pretty good.  There’s one of tiny Sally on a desk, with a telephone in front of her and Mr. Franz leaning in to talk to her, that’s almost seamless – the only place the illusion breaks is that he’s not quite actually looking at her. Quite a few of the oversized objects, like the telephone or coffee tin one woman uses as a bathtub, must have been specially made for the movie, and they’re detailed and convincing. The best is the oversize puppet the characters have to interact with. It really does look like something small, magnified.

The performances in the movie, on the other hand, are some of the worst I’ve seen even in a Bert I. Gordon film.  Everybody picks one note and sticks to it.  John Hoyt had been in Julius Caesar (although he’d also been in The Conqueror) and would go on to be in Spartacus (and Flesh Gordon), but here he just gives us the exact same Valium-laced smile throughout the whole movie.  Sometimes it’s creepy, lending credence to Sally’s early suspicion that Franz is a serial killer, but mostly it’s just annoying.  The long scene of technobabble while he explains how his shrinking machine works is insufferable.  June Kenney gives her usually slightly over-wrought reads that sound like a high school’s production of Shakespeare.

Then of course there’s John Agar.  His character is written as kind of a jerk, but in ways that were probably acceptable for white men in the 50’s.  His physical performance, on the other hand, makes you want to see Sally kick him repeatedly in the nuts.  He looms over her, follows a foot behind her when she is clearly uncomfortable with this, and touches her when she does not want to be touched.  Nowadays all this would earn him a restraining order but in this old movie it’s apparently supposed to be romantic.  Then there’s the way he laughs at her when she confesses that she’s slightly afraid of Mr. Franz.  How the hell did he ever persuade her to go out with him, let alone marry him?  And who fucking proposes in the middle of The Amazing Colossal Man?!

When Sally believes Bob has run off on her, she protests to Mr. Franz, “Bob wouldn’t treat me this way if he could help it!”  The audience just rolls their eyes, because they’ve already seen Bob treat her far worse.  We’ll see him do worse again, too, when he persuades Sally to abandon the others at the theatre even though they know that Franz will kill them if he finds them.

Besides Mr. Franz’ pathological fear of losing people close to him, the other place the movie goes in exploring its characters psychology is a form of Stockholm Syndrome.  When Bob and Sally meet the other ‘dolls’, they discover that their fellow prisoners have resigned themselves to their fate.  Mr. Franz mostly keeps them in jars and occasionally lets them out to party, and they’ve decided to look at it as if they’re on a sort of permanent vacation, just enjoying the party without worrying about things they don’t believe they can change.  The only rebellion apparent is the teenage girl, Lori, refusing to sing on command – and she changes her mind in a hurry when Franz threatens to put her back in her bottle.

They aren’t totally brainwashed, though.  When a chance to escape presents itself, they all pitch in to help.  The moral of the story, insofar as it seems to have one, is that freedom is better than slavery even when the slaves are well-treated and have everything taken care of for them.  The little people don’t need to work, they don’t need to pay taxes, and Mr. Franz sees to all their needs, but they are still prisoners.  Real life may be difficult and full of worries and responsibilities, but it’s better than being kept in a box!

Bert I. Gordon never used women as heroes, in the sense of actually doing anything to save the day, but it’s kind of interesting how frequently he used them as point-of-view characters.  Sally in Attack of the Puppet People joins Audrey Aimes in Beginning of the End and Joyce Manning in War of the Colossal Beast as a female lead through whose eyes we’re watching all this happen.  Male characters may be more active and heroic, but they are secondary in terms of screen time and audience identification.  I wonder if this were something intentional or not, and either way, what it might reveal about his storytelling.

Is it feminist?  I don’t think so.  In many of Gordon’s films, the characters feel helpless in the face of more powerful forces: the grasshoppers of Beginning of the End overrun the military easily, Joyce and her problem are handed around like a hot potato by people who don’t care, and even Glenn Manning is a powerless victim of his own growth.  Perhaps the choice of a passively watching woman rather than an actively heroic man as the main character is supposed to add to this.  Audrey Aimes might be the best example, in that her job, as a reporter, is to observe and record, rather than to intervene.  Consider The Magic Sword, in which Princess Helene watches her own rescue attempts in the magic mirror, while Sir George’s transition to manhood is represented by him leaving mere watching behind and actually getting involved in the events he has observed.  Or Necromancy, in which Lori Brandon is left watching herself in Mr. Cato’s thrall.  Heck with Manos, I could write a thesis on this.

If I had to pick a Stinger Moment for this movie, it would be the tiny people gathered around a huge telephone while Bob exclaims, “the police!  Does anyone know the number?”  At the time this wouldn’t have been a joke at all – 911 came into wide use only in the early 1960’s, but from a modern viewer it earns a snicker, and it would definitely have been funny in the UK, where 999 had been around since the 30’s. There’s your random fact for the day.

[fascinationfics]

13 Going on 30 AU  Bruce x Reader

Hey guys. Sorry that I haven’t been active for the past 3 weeks. I promise to keep posting more! ♥ But here it is, the 13 Going on 30 AU with Bruce Banner. Feedback is much appreciated ^^

Word Count:  2,789 (Phew that’s a lot for a little beginner like me)

 Disclaimer: I do NOT own 13 Going On 30! BUT I did adjust some things so they wouldn’t be as similar to the movie. Also yes, I know in the movie, young Jenna is 13 in the 80′s, so for this fanfic, the young reader and Bruce are in the year 2000 and were born in 1987.

I/N = Incorrect name (for this instance, they are pronouncing your name wrong)

Y/D/N = your dads name

Y/F/C = Your favorite color

“Move it, nerd.” Some kid shoved you.

As you took your seat in front of the blue screen in the gym, the photographer took your ticket from you.

“Keep your back straight.” You did has he told. “Put your book on your lap and look at the camera, okay? Nice smile.”

‘Freakin weirdo, telling me my smile is nice.’’ you thought, as you mentally rolled your eyes at him.

“Swing around this way a little bit, I/N.” He incorrectly said your name.

“It’s Y/N.” You annoyedly corrected him.

“Look over here, I/N.” How rude, it’s like he didn’t even hear you.

“It’s Y/N.” you half yelled at him.

___

“Oh, no.” You said to yourself, this can’t be happening, he took your photo while you were corrected him, so you had your lips outward while you were saying your name to correct him again. As you were walking out of school your best friend Bruce came from behind you with a camera above your head.

“Say cheese.” Bruce said next to you whilst taking the photo of the both of you.

“Bruce, please. No more pictures.” You stated as you walked with him.

“It’s your 13th birthday, We gotta document it.” Bruce smiled at you as you looked down at your photo in disappointment. As soon as he saw your disappointed face, he grew worried and asked what was wrong.

“It’s just my photo. I look horrible, now i’ll never be apart of the Six Chicks.” you sighed in disappointment, now hiding your photo from everyone.

“You’re better than those fake things, Y/N.” Bruce looked at you while you looked ahead.

“I know, but I wanna be the best. That’s why- quiet Bruce, they’re coming this way.” You hit his chest in a playful manner as to not hurt him. “Hey Dee-Dee.” You smiled up at her and the rest of the Six Chicks behind her.

“Hey, Y/N.” She looked you up and down.”Hi, Greenie. How’s everything down in the forest?” As Dee-Dee laughed, so did you. Bruce looked disgusted as he looked at you, laughing along with her joke.

“So how’d yours come out, N/N?” Dee-Dee pointed at your photos.

“Not so good. How about yours Dee-Dee?” You asked, trying to avoid showing her your pictures.

“Yeah, mines aren’t so hot either.” She stated as she showed you her pictures right in front of her face.

“Gosh, you’re so photogenic, Dee-Dee.” Just like the rest of the Six Chicks, you awed at her picture.

Getting annoyed at how fake you were being Bruce said, “I’ll meet you out front.”

“Do whatever you want, it’s not like she needs a play-by-play.” Dee-Dee bullied Bruce.

“Freakazoid.” Insulted Bruce, as he walked away from you both.

“See you.” You said as he walked outside.

“Y/N, can I talk to you for a tiny sec?” As she pulled you away from the group to talk to you in private. “I told Harry Osborn, me and the Six Chicks were going to the party, and he said he wanted to come with.” Dee-Dee whispered for only you to hear.

“Really?” You asked in disbelieve. Harry Osborn, a freshman in high school wanted to come your party!? The hottest guy alive?!

“Yeah, it’s too bad we can’t make it, we really wanted to.” She stated in a loud voice now. “Didn’t we girls?” Dee-Dee asked the group behind her.

“Yea, totally.” They all agreed to Dee-Dee.

“Miss. Pepper, is up our ass with this group project, and Harry is helping us out with the project, so he can’t come either.” Dee-Dee sadly said sarcastically. You didn’t hear the sarcasm since you were so brainwashed by how much you wanted to be like her.

Since you wanted Harry to come to your party sooooo much, you offered that you could do their project for them.

“Amaz-balls, see you soon.” She blew you a kiss a a gift for doing her project.

____

As you were nearing your home with Bruce, he asked you a question.

“Why did you invite those clones?” He was talking about the Six Chicks.

“Because they’re my friends.” You stated as it should be obvious to him.

“Six Chicks are not your friends, okay?” Bruce retaliated.

“Well almost, and someday i’ll be a Six Chick.” You smiled up at him, knowing you’ll be one soon.

“There’s six of them. That’s the point. There can’t be a seventh Six Chick.It’s just mathematically impossible.” Bruce argued back, making sure you know how to count.

“You’re cooler than they are. They’re unoriginal.” Bruce stopped in front of both of your houses. That was such an advantage, having your best friend live right next door to you.

“I don’t want to be original. I wanna be cool.” You looked at him with a smile.

“Want some Razzles?” Bruce asked, pulling out a bag of Razzles from his front pocket.

“Razzles are for kids.” You smiled at him knowing where this is going.

“Exactly.” Bruce put out his hand to put one Razzle in his hand and extending the bag towards you to put one in your hand. You both popped them in your mouth as you walked to your separate homes.

“Arrivederci.” Bruce said his usual goodbye.

“Au revoir.” You said in your worst French. As you walked towards your house, without you knowing, Bruce picked his camera up from around his neck and took a photo of you.

____

While you were putting on your makeup, your favorite band came on t.v., you got up and walked towards your t.v., to see Justin Timberlake’s face, as you got on your knees to kiss the screen, your parents came in with your dad holding the camera, and you looking at them in disbelief getting up from your position.

“Happy birthday, sweetie!” They said in unison.

“Tell us your life as a teenager.”  your dad asked as they got closer. “What are you doing?” She asked pointing at your chest. “Are you wearing a bra?” She got closer to you.

“Go away!” You pushed her away as you sat on your bed angrily.

“Oh honey, what’s wrong?” She asked concerned. “Y/D/N. Self image.” She told your dad, pretty much telling him to get out the room. As he walked out, your mom dug up the tissues you used on your chest , and threw them away in the nearby bin.

“Y/N, it’s going to be alight.” Your mom tried reassuring you.

“It’s not, mom. Look at me!” You cried to her, pointing at your face and chest. “This is not okay, it’s fatal!” You yelled at her, hinting that being flat chested is not okay at your age.

“It’s not fatal, honey. It’s realistic.” She assured you by hugging you.

“I hate my life.” you got up from your position on the bed, walking towards the magazines you have on your white vanity. Looking at them in awe, how could these women look so pretty and get paid for it?

Your mom looked from behind you looking at your awed face, wishing you didn’t compare yourself to the magazine models. She really has to stop buying you those magazines. “You don’t look like the girls on the Shield magazine, but you’re beautiful in your own way.” She brushed your hands with her fingers, looking at you as you still looked at the magazines in front of you.

“I don’t want to be beautiful in my own way, I wanna look like those people.” You pointed out the girls on the magazine and the cut-out models around your mirror that you taped up.

“Oh those aren't people, honey. Those are models.” She stated the obvious.

“‘Thirty, flirty and thriving. Why the 30’s are the best years of your life.’” You read from the latest magazine that arrived earlier today. “I wanna be thirty.” You sadly sighed. Just being 30 is all you wished you were right now.

“Oh you will be. But right now, you're my beautiful thirteen year old daughter.” Your mom said as you looked up to her and hugged her. The minute she walked out your room, is the minute you started stuffing your chest with tissue to have the effect of boobs.

____

While you were dancing to the Macarena by yourself in the basement, Bruce came down and surprised you.

“ Happy birthday, Y/N.” Bruce said while holding a big brown box.

“Oh my gosh, Bruce.” You went to help Bruce with the box as he set it down on the nearest table.

“This is just part one of your present. I’ve got something else to give you later.” Bruce smiled down at you while you waited patiently for him to finish so you could open up your present.

“What is it?” You were excited, wanting to know what it is as you and Bruce kneeled down on the ground to open your present.

“You know how you always wanted a Barbie Dream House?” He asked you as you bobbed your head up and down fast. “Well, I decided to make you your own Y/N dream house.” He said as he unwrapped the bow for you to open the box.

As all four sides fell open, you looked at the Y/F/C house of your dreams. You wanted to cry, but you put so much effort on your makeup that you held back the tears.

“Did you make this yourself? Oh Brucy.” You couldn’t stop looking at your very own house.

“Yea. See that’s you in your bubble bath, reading your favorite magazine. And that’s your bedroom with a massive stereo with every CD ever made, the good ones of course.” As he pointed towards your bedroom in the small house. “And there’s that bum, Justin Timberlake loafing on the couch. And there goes me, to make sure the creep keeps his hands to himself.” He pointed towards the living room where Justin is sitting on the couch drinking a Coke, while Bruce's figuren pointed at Justin with a scowl.

“Oh, I almost forgot. Wishing dust.” He pointed out as he withdrew a bag of wishing dust from his back pocket, and ripped open the bag to pour the wishing dust over the roof of your dream house. “It says, ‘This wishing dust knows what's in your heart of hearts. It'll make all your dreams come true.’” Bruce read off the package.

♪Ding Dong♪

“Oh, they're here.” You told yourself, as you got up.

“What do we do?” Asked Bruce as he also stood up. You looked around the wondering where you could put your dream house.

“Oh, my gosh. Bruce, I’m just going to put this away okay? It’s to have more room to dance.” As you looked at the closet, you grabbed the house and put it up on the top shelf of the closet so it won't be out in the open for Dee-Dee or Harry to see.

“Put some music on.” You instructed Bruce as you ran up the stairs.

____

As you were running towards the door, you saw your dad about to open the door.

“Dad, you promised to stay upstairs. Go!” You pushed him away towards the stairs. You fixed yourself a little as to look presentable for the Six Chicks and Harry.

Once you opened the door, you saw Dee-Dee and the rest of the group. “The party is down stairs.” You stated.

“Amaze-balls.” Dee-Dee said her catchphrase, as she took off her jacket and handed it to you, as the rest of the Six Chicks followed suit and gave their jackets to you to carry. Once the last girl came through the door, you saw a red car pull up in front of your house. Wondering who it was, you saw Harry get out the car, oh, so did his other friends.

_____

As you walked back down the basement towards the party, you hear Bruce's favorite CD mix, and you also see him dancing. Not minding his music, you didn’t say anything.

“What is this?” Dee-Dee asked in disgust.

“I’m not sure, it’s Bruce’s.” You answered. You obviously knew it was his, but you didn’t want to seem like a freak in front of Harry.

“Sorry Greenie, majority rules.” Dee-Dee tilted her head at him as she popped out Bruce’s CD and put on a more mainstream CD you had on the side.

“You’re all hopeless people.” Bruce said in disbelief, Never leaving his eyes off you.

“Nerd.”

“Robot.” He insulted Dee-Dee, not letting himself go. “I’m gonna go next door to get my Casio.” Bruce said standing in front of you.

“Do whatever you want Bruce, I don’t need a play-by-play.” You repeated what Dee-Dee said earlier today at school. Bruce just took that and looked around the room before disappearing going up stairs to get his stuff.

Once Bruce left, Dee-Dee smirked at you.

“Hey, I have an idea, girls.” Dee-Dee said while looking around the room until she looked at you. “Let’s play seven minutes in heaven. You can go first, because you’re the birthday girl.” She smiled at you.

“How does that one go again?” You asked her, as she unwrapped her scarf from around her neck to wrap it around your eyes.

“Well you just go in the closet, and some lucky guy will go in there, and do whatever he want with you for seven whole minutes. And guess who want’s to go first?” She teased you.

“Who?”

“Harry Osborn.” Your heart thumped when you heard his name.

“Before I forget, where is our project proposal?” She asked, scanning around the room for the papers as she pushed you towards the closet door

“On the table.”

“Thanks.”

“Remember, no peeking. Keep that blindfold on. And just so you know, Harry loves going for second base.” Okay now you were really excited. Dee-Dee sat you on the ground in the closet. As you sat down waiting for Harry, Dee-Dee had other plans for you.

Outside the closet Dee-Dee was telling everyone that she could get her brother to buy them beer. While everyone was getting things to take for their own personal party, Bruce came downstairs with his Casio.

“What’s going on” He asked Dee-Dee, as he saw everyone take something from your party.

“Ummm, Y/N is waiting for you in the closet.” She pointed towards the closet while holding the project papers and drink.

Bruce walked towards the door while putting his Casio somewhere and ignoring the noise that Dee-Dee and her group were making as they exited the house.  As he opened the door, he saw you sitting down on the ground.

“I thought you weren’t gonna come.” You smiled up at him, not knowing where Harry was. “Where are you?” You reached out for his hands for him to take so you could get up. Once you were on your feet you smiled once again at him, waiting for him to kiss you or something. “Oh Harry.” You half moaned when finally he kissed you. He had such soft amazing lips, they matched perfectly with your own.

As you pulled away from him, you pulled off Dee-Dee’s scarf to reveal Bruce, with the door fully open to see behind him that everyone left. You pushed Bruce out the way to see the full damage HE did.

“Where’s Harry?” You questioned Bruce.

“He’s gone. Everyone left.” Bruce explained.

“What did you do?!” You were fuming mad by now.

“Nothing!” Bruce yelled back, defending himself.

“Yes you did!”

“I just left to get my Casio!” He tried pleading with you, proving he didn’t do anything wrong to ruin your birthday.

“Get out! No!” He tried grabbing your arm so he could try talking to you.

“Wait Y/N, let me talk to you!” He just wanted to explain himself.

“I hate you! I hate me! I hate everyone!” You cried as you ran back towards the closet, slamming it, and sat down the shelf behind you, below your dream house.

“Y/N, let me just sing you this song, it’ll make you feel better, okay?” Bruce said as he picked up his Casio and started playing it. You were ignoring him though, not wanting to  see him ever again.

As you were hitting your head on the shelf behind you repeating, “Thirty and flirty and thriving. Thirty and flirty and thriving.” While repeating those words, you felt dust fall on your head, but you paid no mind as you ignored Bruce’s singing and repeating what you were just saying.

____

You woke up covered in a satin blanket not seeing anything.

To be continued...