#the way i got logged out of the blog while posting and had to wait A LONG time until it uploaded

[takethebodymarc]

compilation of the three initial reactions<3

Bad: Oh-! What was that? Did you hear that chat? I think we just got teleported. Quackity: And I don't know what specifically you want with me, I still do everything you ask me to (LOUD NOISE) What the fuck? My heart fucking stopped what the fuck? Cellbit (paraphrase): It appeared when I was streaming (LOUD NOISE) Ay! What was that?! What a scare! I've been banned. (Starts clapping) I hope you guys enjoyed qCellbit's story, was a great narrative that we cooked...

please feel free to help me with cellbit's part I tried with at least keeping the general reaction ;)

[lucyandthepen]

last young renegade | jjh

summary: your valentine’s day plans with jaehyun may have gone down the drain just a little. (okay — a lot.)

pairing: jaehyun x reader verse: canon, idol!verse rating: t warnings&tags: reader & jaehyun are in an established relationship, quite frankly there is nothing too out of the ordinary in this fic which is a shocker, it’s a rewritten fic so pls excuse any errors I may not have caught! word count: 5.02k

a/n: happy 2024 friends and family !!!!!! and advanced happy birthday to the man who created valentine’s day, he who is perhaps my first love in nct, jaehyun! this is actually just a fic I’ve been hoping to re-write a bit from before, and since it’s valentine’s themed, what better time to post it!! Enjoy enjoy, and may this year bring more fun, laughs, love (and debauchery) to this blog!

Yᴏᴜ sᴀɪᴅ ʏᴏᴜ'ʀᴇ sɪᴄᴋ ᴀɴᴅ ᴛɪʀᴇᴅ ᴏғ ɪᴛ, ʙᴜᴛ ɪ ɴᴇᴇᴅ ʏᴏᴜ ᴍᴏʀɴɪɴɢ, ɴɪɢʜᴛ, ᴀɴᴅ ᴅᴀʏ.

♡ jaehyunnie ♡ I know I said birthday dinner but practice is running so late ㅠㅠ ♡ jaehyunnie ♡ Can we meet after? I’m sorry ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ How about I call you when we’re done? Maybe 11:30?

At times like this, you often wonder if it’s all worth it.  

You know thinking that way is counterproductive, not to mention a little unfair. You knew exactly what to expect, getting into an under-wraps relationship with an idol, and so far, it’s lived up to most of your assumptions, and then some. It doesn’t help that Jaehyun, even just by name, tends to attract an unbelievable amount of attention. You know you can’t blame him; it’s not like he wants to be high on the radar every time, either. For some reason, though, you seem to be looking for something or someone to blame, which you also know is a dead end. You have no one to pin the blame onto apart from yourself by frequently generating doubts that keep your mind running around in circles.  

It’s not even the sneaking around that gets tiring; it’s the waiting — waiting on calls, waiting on free time, waiting on a good opportunity to do something that doesn’t involve him suddenly getting pulled out to attend to one of many of his celebrity responsibilities. Over the last few years that you’ve dated, NCT has only ever gotten more popular; with that popularity came the fact that the public eye was trained on them, focusing on every microscopic detail of their lives. Jaehyun hates that more than anything, which is why he’s given up on trying to avoid it by practically escaping it altogether, locking himself up in the dorm with you when he has his precious few days off. 

While it’s true that you definitely don’t miss having to play espionage when going out for a cup of coffee with him, you’ve also managed to memorize every single inch of Jaehyun’s room, which isn’t good for your mentality, you’re pretty sure. You have to keep reminding him to open the window whenever the both of you are in there, because all you do is stay in and watch English movies without subtitles to see who can understand the most without asking questions (obviously, he always wins) while eating food he runs up and down the stairs to get every other hour. And while him trying to imitate the British accents on these shows is genuinely funny, you’re starting to suspect even he’s starting to get tired of watching Harry Potter over and over again. Twenty hours sounds like a long time unless you spend every twenty-hour period you have together marathoning the exact same films. Much to both of your disappointment, your suggestion to watch it totally out of order did not make it cooler.

Still, you suppose it’s not all bad. Jaehyun also taught you how to play Fortnite on a couple of his days off back to back, and while you hadn’t been as good a player as you both had hoped, he’d still patiently waited for you every time you got lost on the map. He’d even given you his account’s password with the sentiment that this was him ‘taking things to the next level with you,’ and you get to log into his account and play whenever you want; he doesn’t even get mad when you’ve wasted all the stuff he’s farmed on your subpar gaming skills. And, well, the bigger picture was that you loved him. Based on how much effort he put into the relationship, plus the bonus of his trust in you when it came to his Fortnite account, you could at least be confident in that he returned the sentiment.  

Except, sometimes, you still wonder if it would be easier for the both of you if he flew solo and didn’t have a girlfriend that tanked all of his player’s ammo and health kits and generally made a fool out of his cute little avatar while he was out breaking his back onstage.  

You aren’t sure if Jaehyun’s been noticing the turmoil in you; you’re not that good at hiding how you feel, anyway, but if he has, he hasn’t said anything thus far. You do observe how much more he texts you when he has free time, which makes you feel doubly bad, because you know that he’s spending precious minutes he could be resting with on talking to you instead, which isn’t the best trade-off for someone who’s constantly busy — and thereby constantly tired — like him.  

♡ jaehyunnie♡ ___________ I’m going to practice again, okay? Wait for my call ㅠㅠ You I’ll wait for your call ♡ ♡ jaehyunnie♡ I love you ㅠㅠㅠㅠ ♡ jaehyunnie♡ You love me too — a lot, right? I’ll keep my phone now, but I’ll make sure to check that you said so. ㅋㅋㅋ You Right! ㅎ I love you a lot! ♡

When the clock hits 12:01, and your phone is silent, your mind starts working on overtime again. It’s only when the special ringtone you’ve set for him comes to life at half-past midnight that you break your train of thought and put on your socks so you can meet Jaehyun at your front door.  

You’ve made a rule — sort of like a deal — between the two of you that apologies aren’t necessary when work holds you up. You’ve cashed in on that deal a couple of times, but you’re both aware that it’s more for Jaehyun’s sake than anything else, and he keeps to his word on that much when you open the door and duck into his car. All he does is smile at you, and you smile back, and for the rest of the car ride, everything seems okay.  

He always asks you about your day — unfailingly, at any chance he can. It’s never an off-handed question, either; Jaehyun takes great pride in his memory, and the sweetest thing about him is that he’s dedicated a good deal of it to knowing almost everything about you. Right now is no different. He asks you about your team manager, what you had for lunch; he grills you on if you took your vitamins today and if you got to break in the new shoes you bought online — the ones you’d been pining over for the last three months. He even asks you about the guy from the neighboring department who keeps asking you out for after-work drinks.  

“He wanted to go to Hongdae tonight,” you tell him as he slows for a red light. “There’s some new pub of his friend’s doing a soft opening there tonight.”  

“You could have gone.” He keeps his eyes on the road. “I wouldn’t have minded.”  

“I didn’t want to.”

“Good.” He glances at you, a grin slowly spreading on his lips. “Because I lied. I might have minded a little. Or, you know, a lot.”  

“Don’t tell me after all these years, you’ve turned into the kind of boyfriend that doesn’t let his girlfriend go out without him.”

“That’s impossible for me, and you know that,” he chuckles. “You can do whatever you want, whenever you want. Just not with that guy from the other department.”

“Don’t worry.” You tinker with the little charm dangling on your phone — half of a flat, metal heart dangling from a gold chain that Jaehyun had given you two years back on your birthday. He keeps the other half, but since he can’t freely attach it to any of his belongings, he keeps it wedged between the back of his phone and its case. You like watching him change the backing because he does it so carefully, like he’s worried the other half of the heart is going to break if he rips off the case willy nilly. “I told him my boyfriend and I were going out on a date tonight, so he backed off. Although he did wonder why I keep talking about a boyfriend he’s never seen.”

“And? What did you say?”

“I said it was none of his damn business.”  

Jaehyun laughs loudly, and you go along with him, but you don’t miss how tired he looks when he sobers down, the green light illuminating all the shadows on his face as he steps on the gas again.

Nothing good is open this late at night — that is, nothing you haven’t seen before. You hadn’t even expected to go out at all, but since it was the day before Valentine’s Day as well as his birthday (or it would have been, if you hadn’t waited until midnight), Jaehyun had wanted to do something special without having to run into a huge crowd of couples on the day itself. Your only option is this from-out-of-town carnival that’s set up in tents and even has a medium-sized ferris wheel by the edge of the metal barricade. The parking lot is practically empty when Jaehyun pulls into a slot; you joke that he should break one rule and park in two slots, which he smugly replies to by saying he couldn’t park badly even if he tried.  

He tucks your hair back behind your ears as he loops the strings of a face mask around them, using another one for himself. Between that and the brim of his cap, you can barely see his eyes. The only knowledge that you have that you’re walking next to the man you love is that he takes your hand in his, slender fingers finding their way between yours.  

The carnival is half-closed when you get to the middle of it; there are still a few stragglers, but half the kiosks have their lights off already. There’s a woman dressed in flashy clothes standing on a patch of dead grass a few feet away, and she’s holding a hoop that a ginger cat is jumping through. Jaehyun steers you to them, and you stand there for a good five minute watching the cat roll on the ground and stand on its hind legs, but you can tell it’s been going it at for most of the day because at one point, it just ignores the lady, opting to weave its way between Jaehyun’s and your legs instead. You do have a pretty good time when he picks it up and cradles it in his arms so you can pet it for a second, but it just hisses when its owner approaches and jumps out of his hold, disappearing behind a row of trash bins.  

Jaehyun doesn’t have anything in his wallet apart from his credit cards and 50,000 won, and the coin machine operator says he only has enough coins left to break down 5,000 won for the games, so you end up having to jog back to his car so you can fish out some coins from inside his glove compartment. You come up with a grand total of 1,500 won, and you have to sheepishly go back to the coin machine operator to change four 100 coins and a couple of 50s just to get the last 500. Jaehyun tells you to hold onto the three coins so he doesn’t run off with them entirely and leave you destitute.  

You learn you can only do three things at most — you dedicate 500 won for the Ferris wheel entry tickets, which leaves you with 500 won each. The both of you agree on choosing one kiosk to play in, and with only about five left that are open, you don’t really have that many options. You end up dragging Jaehyun over to a stall with a pond filled with those magnetic toy fish, but 500 won only gets you one fishing rod. Since it’s your choice, Jaehyun lets you play, but you feel kind of stupid doing it on your own with him just watching you. In the end, he decides to stand behind you, his arms around your waist like he thinks closer contact isn’t even more distracting. You do manage to fish out 10 fish and win a small bear on a keychain. It doesn’t even pass through your hands as Jaehyun takes it from the stall operator immediately. 

“That’s mine!” You whine, reaching out in vain to take it from him; he just holds it high over his head. His eyes are twinkling under the shadow his cap casts over his face. “I worked hard for that.”  

“Let me keep this one,” he mimics the pleading lilt in your voice. “I’ll put it on my bag.”

“You know you can’t! Give it back.”

“I’ll win you a bigger one,” he promises. “Let me keep this one. It’s cute. It reminds me of you. I’ll kiss it goodnight before I sleep.” He starts to laugh softly. “And then you’ll feel this weird spirit kissing you at like two in the morning, and you’ll know it’s me.”  

Your arms aren’t long enough to retrieve it, and you don’t really want to, so you settle with twisting his ear. He takes it in stride even if he over-acts, making pained noises while leading you to the kiosk he wants to go to. It’s a shooting range stall, and he pays his own precious 500 won for a dart gun. He’s barely paying attention when the guy starts explaining how many points are assigned to each balloon color, more concerned with talking to the bear keychain in his hand and pretending like he’s cooing at you. You have to hit him across the shoulder to get him to focus.  

“You need to start picking out what prize you want,” he tells you — the actual you, not the animal keychain version — as he lifts the dart gun.  

“I’ll wait for you to finish first.”  

“No way.” He tilts his head, closing one eye to steady his line of sight. “Pick already. Or just go for the biggest one.”

“You know that Fortnite and dart guns aren’t the same thing, right?”  

“Yeah, but I’m well-motivated.” He grins at you, one eye still shut. He looks like a baby pirate. “Go ahead. Pick the biggest one.”

“Why don’t you just shoot, and we’ll see.”  

“Pick it,” he insists. “Tell me you have faith in me. Tell me you love me.”

“Okay, I love you,” you agree. “But I have no faith in you when it comes to this.”  

“One out of two is fine,” he concedes, taking aim.  

All three of you, including the stall operator, let out a disappointed groan when he misses his first shot. His comes with a sheepish laugh as he reloads, suddenly telling you to pick the second biggest prize instead. You can’t even watch him miss over and over, so you pretend to be interested in a bunch of teenage boys playing a game of cups one stall over, trying not to giggle when you hear him get increasingly more frustrated at himself. When you turn back around, you notice he’s holding two small pieces of gummy candy, offering one to you like a kindergartener. He helps you tug your face mask down so you can eat it.  

There’s a food stall nearby that, thankfully, accepts credit and debit; Jaehyun fishes out his card to get you a corndog — only one because he’s watching his weight for the upcoming concert, apparently. This is information you hate hearing but have no say in, and he knows this; you know he does because he says ‘don’t worry about me’ totally out of the blue, like five minutes after the conversation ceases to be relevant.  

His phone starts ringing when the food comes out, and he takes a tiny bite of it — more bread than hotdog — before he answers. You know it’s Taeyong by the way he answers.  

“Hyung, sorry — can we talk later? I’m out with ____________.”  

Taeyong says something loud but indiscernible on the other end. You piece together that it’s about tomorrow’s schedule when Jaehyun speaks again.

“I know. I’ll be home in a bit; don’t worry about it. I haven’t forgotten.”  

There’s more garbled speech on the other line; Jaehyun gestures for you to keep eating, and you do, but you more concerned with the morphing expressions on his face than you are with the act of chewing. He’s making noncommittal noises in response to what seem to be commands and reminders. You’re pretty much done with the corndog by the time he says ‘Okay, hyung. Hyung — I’ll see you later, okay?’

“Taeyong hyung says hi,” he tells you once he’s hung up the phone. “He says you still need to give back that book you borrowed from him last year.”  

“Oh yeah,” you finish off the last of the food. “I’ll drop it off within the week.”  

“Don’t worry about it. He doesn’t actually mean it.”  

Jaehyun watches you snap the stick in half and toss it in the trash bag.  

“We can go home,” you say finally. His eyebrows shoot up. “You’re busy tomorrow. I forgot.”

“I didn’t forget, and it’s fine.”  

“It’s almost two in the morning.” You check your phone to verify. “You probably have to be up in a few hours. You need to sleep, or you’ll die, Jaehyun. I’m too young to be a grieving widow.”

“Let’s at least ride the Ferris wheel,” he suggests. Before you can protest, he tugs you towards the rickety contraption, digging the 500 won out of your pocket and handing it to the bemused operator. He lets you choose what carriage you want because literally no one is on it anymore, and Jaehyun asks for the best carriage. You’re not sure how it differs from the rest, but he makes a show out of guiding you into it, and you don’t miss the corny ‘my lady,’ he mutters under his breath.   

It’s small, clearly meant for either a tiny group of children or couples who want to be as close together as possible. It’s also not air-conditioned, and only one of the windows is open, so you end up sticking to Jaehyun’s arm on the way up. The view is still great, though, and you feel his hand settle on your knee as the carriage makes it slow ascent.  

The ride up is quiet, and you press your face as close to the glass of the carriage as you dare, but Jaehyun doesn’t move an inch. His hand is still heavy on your thigh, but it doesn’t do anything but lay there. When you’re close to the top, you’re hit with the urge to do something romantic — kiss, maybe, tell him happy birthday, or say ‘I love you’ to him in the most sickening way possible — but when you turn to look at him, you have to hold your tongue.

Jaehyun is asleep, leaning against the corner of the carriage, head tilted down a little. His shoulders are rising and falling slowly, and he’s pulled down his face mask a little so he can breathe better; his lips are slightly parted by the slackening of his jaw. His left hand is shoved in his pocket, like he’d passed out halfway through reaching for something in there.  

He doesn’t wake even when you move slightly so you can lean back next to him, rocking the carriage a little — not even when you reach up and adjust his head so he can rest on your shoulder. He breathes deeply, evenly, and you wonder if his ear against your shoulder allows him to hear your heart plummet unfairly to the bottom of your stomach.  

You have to shake him to rouse him when the ride comes to an end; when he opens his eyes and realizes what happened, he looks mortified. Instinctively, he opens his mouth, but you fling the carriage door open and step out before he can apologize.

You have a deal, and he knows what he shouldn’t be doing.

His grip on your hand is much tighter as you walk back to the parking lot, and he doesn’t let go, even on the road. The trip back is quieter, maybe because it’s late, or maybe because there are a ton of things the both of you want to say but can’t.  

He slows down when he gets to your street, but when he stops in front of your building, he doesn’t immediately unlock the doors to let you out. Instead, he turns to you, licking his lips a little nervously.

“Can you…” he clears his throat because his voice cracks a little on the first attempt. “Can you come back with me? To the dorm?”  

“I have work tomorrow, Jaehyun.”  

“It’s still at eleven, isn’t it? I can bring you home before that. You still have some stuff in my room. You can get ready there.”

“Won’t you be too busy?”  

“Just—” he sighs softly. “Can you? Please?”  

You don’t know how to say no to Jaehyun, and tonight isn’t a night you’re willing to try. It’s why fifteen minutes later, you’re walking through the front door of his dorm. Donghyuck, sitting at his computer in his room with the door ajar, greets you sleepily as you pass by.  

Jaehyun steps in the shower with you; you don’t talk, maybe because you’re worried you might wake the others up if you start a full-blown conversation in a bathroom surrounded by other bedrooms. He just passes you what you need, and you do the same for him, and somewhere in between, he kisses you under the spray of the water.  

Later, he falls asleep with a face mask on, and you have to peel it off for him and toss it into the trash. The tip of his nose is shiny, and you want to kiss it, but you know it’ll wake him, and you noticed he’d set his alarm to go off two hours from now. He’s set out a couple of earplugs for you so that you don’t hear it, but you don’t put them in. You want to see him before he leaves, even if it’s in the deadest hours of morning, so you just crawl into bed with him. A minute before you doze off, you feel his damp skin press against your neck, his form curled up against your back.  

The alarm never wakes you; the sun is out when you open your eyes, and when you check your phone, you see that it’s already half-past nine. You also notice that there’s nothing from Jaehyun on your screen, but you try not to dwell on that, considering that you’d been expecting to wake up to an empty bed. His side of the mattress is cold, which means that he’s been gone for some time.  

You don’t know if it’s just because you’re groggy, but your insides still feel like lead when you sit up. The part of you that nags about this relationship is back at full force when you start thinking about Jaehyun going to a pre-recording two hours after spending the last of his energy on you. You start wondering if you’re doing the right thing if it feels like you’re just dragging him down. Your heart clenches tightly when the worst thought hits — maybe, just maybe, he’s tired of you, too.

But you won’t let him go. More to the point — you can’t. He’s the best part of your life; it’d be a cold day in hell if you decided to leave him.

Even the thought of it makes you feel like dying.  

Then again, this isn’t all up to you.  

You’re rubbing the sleep out of your eyes — and maybe a couple of frustrated tears — when the door creaks open. You see two mugs and his hands before you see the rest of him come through the doorway. Jaehyun whispers a careful good morning as he sets the coffee down on his table, making sure to push his keyboard away to avoid accidents, before sitting down next to you. You notice that there’s an envelope next to one of the mugs; the flap is slightly open, and from under it, a flash of red peeks out.  

His hand finds its way back to your knee — it’s his favorite resting place, he’s told you once. Your lap feels like home, he’d joked. Maybe he touches it every so often because it’s like a reset button for him.  

He doesn’t ask if you slept well, or if you want to get ready before having your coffee, or if you’re okay. He just squeezes your knee a little tighter. It’s you that has to start the conversation this time.

“How did it go?”

“It went great. You’ll see it on TV later tonight,” he starts rubbing your thigh idly. “You’ll watch it later, right?”  

“Of course. I’ll call you and tell you how cool you look.”  

He smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. When you lapse into silence again, it’s because you’re expecting him to say something, but he doesn’t come out with it directly. You try not to let it show that you’re worried, that you’re skeptical, that you’re wondering if he thinks he’s too tired, too busy for this, too.  

You’re expecting him to start how most break-ups start. You know I love you, right? And then the telltale but… would come, and you would have to hold back your tears and smile for him, and tell him you know, and that you understand it isn’t the right time, but maybe one day, someday, when he isn’t everyone’s Jung Jaehyun anymore — only yours.  

“You love me, right?”  

It’s not what you’d been expecting. Nor is it the playful little text he’d sent — no laughs, no jokes. His expression is somber, mouth pressed into a thin line.  

“You know I do.”

“A lot, right?”

“A lot,” you confirm softly.  

“Then whatever it is that you’re thinking about us,” he says quietly. “Don’t. Don’t think it. Don’t do it.”  

“Jaehyun—”

“I know it’s hard,” his fingers dig into your skin a little. “I know I put you through a lot. I know you think that I’m suffering because of this relationship too. I know everything. But whatever you think I’m going to do, I won’t do it — not ever. So if you’re thinking of it too, I’m begging you. Don’t. Please.”  

Maybe he had noticed all this time. A wave of guilt washes over you when you see the pained look on his face; perhaps you were even more transparent than you’d originally thought. You nod slowly to show your understanding, and he continues.  

“I know yesterday wasn’t the best you could have hoped for,” he carefully avoids apologizing, although it’s written all over his features. “For me, too. I… I wanted something different. It’ll be better next time. Do you believe me?”  

You hear him swallow — his nails are biting into your thigh a little, so you have to gently peel his hand off. Your fingers replace it, tightening around his palm as you nod.

“I believe you.”  

“And you trust me, right?”

“With my life.”  

“Then can you put your faith in me right now?” He asks. “Don’t panic. Just — just say yes.”

He pats around his pants, finally deciding to slip his hand into his left-hand pocket. Unlike on the Ferris wheel, he manages to extract something, but he keeps it closed in his fist. It’s shaking a little as he takes your hand in his other one, pressing something small and hard into your palm before he curls your fingers over it. His hold keeps your fist closed as he starts talking.

“It’s not immediate. We’ll figure it out. We’ll tell the right people, and they’ll help us tell everyone else — the public, the press. It doesn’t have to happen right now, or any time soon either— not if you don’t want it to. We can take it slow, or whatever. Anything you want — just as long as it’s with me.”  

“Jaehyun,” you shake your head, a little dizzy. “What are you talking about?”  

He slowly loosens his hold on your fingers, his hand dropping to the same spot on your knee. You’re free to open your fist, and when you do, you can’t help but feel a little stumped.

“I don’t mean now,” he repeats, now sounding doubly worried. “It’s not — It’s just…”  

“You’ll get in trouble. We can’t.”

“I won’t. Not if we do this right. Like I said, we can do it slowly. Months — years, however long it takes to do it well. What it is — it’s just… a promise.”  

“A promise,” you echo. It does have a nice ring to it.  

“That I’m not leaving you. Not ever. And… if you say yes, that you won’t either.”  

Your coffee has probably turned cold. Jaehyun is watching you carefully, looking like he’s trying hard not to bite his lip. You look back down at your hand, and he speaks up again.  

“You know I love you, right?”  

You smile slightly. “No but?”  

“No but,” he agrees.  

The ring fits nicely on your finger; maybe it’s well-measured from the amount of times he’s held your hand tightly in his.  

“Okay, Jaehyun,” you whisper. “I promise.”  

When you place your hand on his, he twists his palm, slender fingers gently twirling the ring around the base of your finger.  

Minutes later, he hands you your coffee. It’s sweet and milky, the way he knows you like it best. When he settles back down on the bed, you notice his eyes travel to your finger again, a small smile playing on his lips.  

Perhaps, in this moment, you finally learn to ask the right questions — not about if it’s worth it, but if he is.  

And in this moment, where he sits in silence with you, the sunlight pouring in from his window hitting the tips of his hair and the end of his nose, with the knowledge that his heart is as full as yours, you come to realize that there can — and never will be — any doubt of that.  

[freshbakedbreadstick]

No. 1 Party Anthem - Mikey Berzatto x F!Reader - Chapter One

Past!Mikey Berzatto x F!Reader

Carmy Berzatto x F!Platonic!Reader

Richie Herimovich x F!Platonic!Reader

Summary: You finally grab the bear by its ears and face it head on, despite all the unanswered questions. 

Warnings: All my fics are 18+ regardless of the content. Heavy spoilers. Mentions of self harm, grief, death, mental health issues, strained relationships, smoking.

Word Count: 3.1k

A/N: OMG thank you all for all the kind words and love ! ! ! I'm gonna b honest with you all, after i posted the prologue I completely logged out of my account for the week LOL I was SO nervous abt it and so I just left it alone 😭 but I'm back with the first official chapter ! Also, I am opening the taglist for this series, so please let me know if you want to be tagged ! Thank you to one of you lovely readers for asking about that ❤️ your comment was very appreciate bc tbh I completely forgot abt even considering making one 💀 thank u babes ily and I hope you all enjoy !!!

Taglist: @marysucks-blog

PROLOGUE / MASTERLIST

The rumble and honk of a car driving quickly down the street took you out of your thoughts. 

Here you were, once again, on the sidewalk and across the street from The Beef. This time, it was not some odd hour of the night but rather 4 o'clock in the evening. 

After tossing and turning all night long, you rose early that morning much to the insistence of your mom and dad, who were very much eager to get you to reunite with Natalie, with bags under your eyes and stiff joints. You trudged around the house, jumping at every small noise that somewhat resembled the notification sound of your phone, before finally giving up and plopping down on the sofa to send Sugar a text. 

'Hi Sugar, it's me. Nice to talk to you again. I'll swing by The Beef at around 4 if that's okay with you.' 

About 5 minutes later, a loud buzz made you drop a glass of water to the floor.

'Of course! I'm so happy to hear from you! I can't wait (:' 

You could feel a pit forming in your stomach as you read the message. You can practically hear the way her voice lifts in excitement as you read it. To make matters worse, the smiley face felt like it had a mind of its own and it was taunting you. It practically said 'Remember the good days? Remember how close you and Sugar were? Before everything happened?' 

With a shallow breath, you threw your phone onto the nearest soft surface and scooped the broken glass up with your bare hands.  

Your parents fussed around you all afternoon before you left. At first, they said it was to make sure you were okay with going over there but it became pretty clear that they were pretty much just making sure you weren't going to back out. While you understood why they were chasing you around like a chick chased their mother hen, you got tired of it really quickly.

"Mom, I'm serious, I'm okay!" You insisted, pulling your shoe on and pausing at the threshold of the front door. 

"Are you sure? Do you want us to come with you? How about you let us drive you-" 

"I'm fine!! I'm going now!" 

With a sigh, your mother glances at your father before nodding, "Alright honey, be safe." 

With a weak smile, you headed off. 

And now here you were, finding yourself halfway down the street and being honked at by someone in their car. 

Snapping back to the present after replaying your hectic morning, you jump at the realization that you were unconsciously halfway across the street and heading towards The Beef.

"GET OUT THE WAY!" The person in the car yelled, sticking their head out the window. 

You ran to the sidewalk and half slammed your body against the wall, chest heaving. You had no idea what took over you and made you move without thinking but here you are now, in front of the same place you vowed to never be at again after Mikey's death: The Beef.

"Fuck…" you murmured to yourself, trying desperately to catch your breath as you closed your eyes. 

Focusing on the sounds of tires on pavement and rustling leaves on trees, you took a breath. You counted from 1 to 100 and then back to 1 again. You then opened your eyes and counted 5 things you could see, 4 things you could touch…

With a hard swallow, you turned around, ready to walk to the front door now. It was past 4 now but from the messages you got earlier from Sugar, you knew that there was 'no rush' and to just 'come in the front door'. 

"I can do this, I can do this…" you whispered to yourself and lightly jumped in place, hyping yourself up. 

You pushed forward, rounding the corner of the wall and to the front door, when BAM! Some guy just slams into you. 

You fly backward, stumbling as you try your hardest to avoid falling onto the pavement. 

"Watch it, idiot!" Some guy in a high vis vest barks at you before marching away with a wrapped sandwich in his hand. 

You stare, mouth open in silent shock and confusion, unable to respond. If this guy had bumped into you about a year ago, you would have practically beat him up yourself. Mikey would've had to come out of the restaurant and drag you off the guy, laughing and cheering all the way. His strong arms would wrap around you and somehow lift you up and off, voice husky in your ear as he alternates between voicing good humored apologies to the guy who had the misfortune of being an asshole to you and murmuring about how hot you looked while you defended yourself.

But in this moment, all you could do was regain the little confidence you had and go back to the task at hand: walking in. 

You swallow before standing up straight, plastering on a faux confident but cool grin onto your face. With your head held high in a way that you used to do but doesn't feel like you anymore, you jam a fist into your pocket and use your other free hand to push the front door open and waltz in. 

Cooly, you scan the empty restaurant. It seems like the lunch rush was very much over by now and the last customer for a while before the dinner rush had crashed into you and left moments before. So now, it was just you and The Beef. 

"Give me one sec!" A loud and charmingly obnoxious voice yelled from the kitchen. 

Your facade slipped as you heard this voice. Instantly, your shoulders sagged as you let out a quiet but pained laugh under your breath. 

The booming voice of Richie got louder and louder as he came out of the kitchen and to the counter, "How can I help you-" 

He paused. You immediately stood up straight again, a wide and sly but fake grin spreading over your face. 

Richie blinked, frozen. His eyes were wide and mouth had dropped slightly open.

After a couple seconds, the awkwardness started to set in for you, prompting you to speak up, "Jesus, Richie, you look like you've seen a ghost." 

In an instant, Richie snapped back to reality with a grin on his face, "COUSIN!" 

You winced at the volume, apparently not being the only one as you heard a couple muffled groans and protests from the kitchen as well as someone saying "what?!"

Richie threw his arms out, wide, before dropping them and racing around the counter to you. With a laugh, Richie's arms enveloped you, squeezing tight. 

You stiffened up immediately, feeling bad for not reciprocating instantly like you used to do. But whether or not that bothered Richie, you would never know because as fast as he enveloped you in a hug, he pulled away. 

"Cousin, what the hell are you doing this side of the country, huh?!" He grinned and placed his hands on his hips. 

"Oh my gosh!" Another voice said. 

Your head whipped to see Sugar at the doorway to the kitchen. She clutched a clipboard in her arms but as both of your eyes connected, she let it fall to the floor with a clatter. 

You can see her eyes well with tears as she raced around the counter to join you and Richie and as she got closer, she blinked them away. A wary smile appeared on her lips as she stood next to you, making her look a cross between nervous and relieved. 

"Richie, give her some space. Oh my gosh, hi!!" Natalie gasped. 

You winced a bit and smiled, "Hey…" 

You wanted nothing more than to crawl into a hole and stay there forever. 

"Shit cousin, I had no idea you were coming here! If you let us know beforehand, we could've made you a welcome party or, or, or something!" Richie said, ignoring Natalie. 

"How the hell have you been? How was it out west? I heard you got back in town but had no clue you were coming over here to visit!" Richie continued, going on and on and on. 

You stared at him, eyeing the way he looked rugged and much more tired than usual. But Richie was the same old Richie, loud and brash but caring when he wanted to be. 

Your eyes wandered from Richie's frame over to Natalie, who seemed to be analyzing your body silently. Her eyes were filled with worry and her fingers rapidly intertwined with themselves as she gave you a look that meant to say, 'Is this okay? Are you okay?'

You glance back at Richie before your eyes fell behind the two and to the entrance of the kitchen where a crowd had formed. 

And in front of that crowd was Carmy. 

Your shoulders tensed up, visibly enough to make Natalie perk up and whip her head around to see what you were staring at and make Richie go silent. The two glanced at Carmy and, unbeknownst to you, gave him a look of warning. 

Carmy wiped his hands on the towel he had and stared back, silent. His body language was unreadable and you couldn't tell whether or not he was upset at seeing you. Either way, you could feel the hair on the back of your neck stand. 

"Carmy…" you said, voice hoarse. 

You cleared your throat and awkwardly nodded, acknowledging those around him. You recognized a couple faces and others seemed unfamiliar but either way, they all looked at you with curious and cautious eyes. 

After stewing in silence for a bit, Sugar spoke up, "Carmy… say hello". 

Carmy blinked, eyes still set on you making you feel pinned to the spot. You could feel your breakfast swirl in your stomach as his eyes glared into you, analyzing your every move. Finally, he nodded and turned around, making the crowd behind him part like the red sea as he moved back into the kitchen. 

Suddenly, another face appeared in the doorway of the kitchen before yelling out your name excitedly. Fak came racing out of the kitchen, following the same path that Richie and Natalie took, before stopping in front of you.

"Holy shit!," he exclaimed happily, "Your home!" 

Your shoulder sagged. 

Home. 

You were home. 

He giggled to himself, not at all noticing your reaction "I haven't seen you in forever, how are you?" 

"Jesus man, give her some space she just arrived," Richie began, already launching into an argument. 

"What do you mean? I'm perfectly fine!" Fak said, head snapping over to Richie before the two began to bicker. 

Natalie rolled her eyes at them and turned to you, still concerned, "Just ignore them. Are you okay, sweetie?" 

You stood up straight again, wiping the wide eyed expression you didn't even know you had on your face for one with a lazy smile, "Yea, I'm okay." 

She reached her arm out, hesitating for a second to see if you would reject her, before resting her hand on your forearm when you seemed okay with it. She gently ushered you around the bickering men and behind the counter, to the kitchen. The crowd watching dispersed with curious eyes and kind smiles from those you recognized, letting you two pass through. 

As you walked through the kitchen, gulping as your eyes retraced each corner and crevice you had tried to forget about, your eyes stopped briefly to look at Carmy. With his back towards you, he silently chopped some vegetables, seemingly ignoring what was happening around him. 

"Here we are," Sugar said, quietly announcing to you to get your attention. 

You turned and dug your heels into the ground, soles squeaking as you did so. Sugar jumped back and glanced at you. 

"Can we… I'd rather we talk outside." You announce, voice wavering in a way that made your previous confident persona waver. 

Right in front of you stood the door to the office; an office you were very much familiar with as you too had spent many times there. All those memories, all bittersweet at this point, came rushing back; the nights you spent arguing over bills and paperwork with Mikey, the days you came with a bag of donuts from your favorite shop nearby, the intimate moments where your and his lips connected behind the closed door, the moments in which you hid in the office and cried your heart out. 

Sugar noticed the way your eyes had become misty and promptly led you to the back door of the kitchen and to the alleyway.

“I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, that's okay. We can talk here.” she said soothingly.

Her voice was so comforting, making you feel nauseous. You hated the way that Sugar would always act very motherly, even when you were all kids. 

With a shaky breath, you nodded and smiled anxiously, “I'm okay Sugar, you don’t need to worry.”

Glancing at you, Sugar smiled softly. But her smile quickly dropped when she scanned your features, taking in your face again. 

“You look,” she began quietly, “You look good.”

You chuckled to yourself, knowing damn well that she was wrong, “Thanks, you too.”

Richie bursts out the back door, with Fak in town, still bickering.

“My God you two, just stop!” Sugar yells, getting the two to finally snap their mouths shut. 

Fak playfully salutes Sugar, a knowing look on his face while Richie rolls his eyes and crosses his arms. 

“Yea whatever. I’m just happy to see you again, cousin.” Richie says, directing his body to you, with a tone of softness in his voice that felt so foreign that it made you shiver. 

“It’s nice to see you too,” you said softly, rubbing your hands on your thighs.

It was silent for a bit as the four of you all glanced at one another, unsure where to start and what to say. Each party had so much they wanted to say to each other at that moment, but you knew that the three people standing before you had the most to say to you. 

Carmy came out the back door, silent and unsurprised to see the four of you glance in his direction. He closed the door behind him and stood off to the side, away from all of you. He then proceeded to take out a pack and light a cigarette, quietly puffing. 

“Cousin, did you even say hello? It’s rude as hell to just ignore her,” Richie said, a bit agitated at his dismissive behavior.

Yet Carmy ignored him, staring out to the side and away from you all, his blue eyes flickering, but refusing to even glance in your direction.

You could feel your eyes prickle and your throat tighten, regretting even showing up. Carmy was the one person you haven't seen the longest and here he was, ignoring you as if you didn’t even exist.

“Hey,” Richie barked, taking you out of your thoughts, “At least look at her!”

Richie began to stomp forward to Carmy, making you and Sugar flinch as you watched. Fak moved forward, reaching out to Richie and mumbling quietly to get him to stop. Right before Richie could grab Carmy by the shoulder, Carmy spoke up.

“I’m glad you're okay.”

Your mouth dried up.

His eyes turned to you and all you could see in them was pained understanding. He knew you weren’t okay; an okay person wouldn’t just pack up and leave the night after her boyfriend’s funeral. But, he saw that you were alive and the fact that you showed up here after so long meant something. 

It meant that now you were okay.

“Thanks Carmy” you said, making everyone’s head turn to you. 

Richie rocked his jaw and nodded silently, stepping back from Carmy. 

The three of them watched as Carmy lifted his box of cigarettes and offered one to you. They then watched as you walked forward, arms that had wrapped around your body falling, to grab one. He fished his worn lighter from his pocket, carefully lighting the cig you held around your lips for you, before pocketing it and leaning back against the wall.

You take a deep drag, letting the nicotine smoke fill your lungs before exhaling. It soothed your nerves, reminding you of the moments that you spent outside with Carmy, avoiding the yells from inside the house during a Berzatto family event. 

Suddenly, a deep funny feeling began to strew about in your belly. It felt odd and you tried to suppress it, but you just couldn’t help it. You barked out a laugh. 

It surprised you and everyone, not at all expecting it. You felt your cheeks heat up, horrified as to why you just laughed. 

You breathed in, only for it to come out as another laugh. Your horror was then replaced with amusement, making you laugh even harder. 

Sugar, Fak, and Richie all averted their gazes, a mixture of remorse and shame written all over their faces. 

You laughed even harder, slamming your back against the wall before sliding into a crouch. Your body shook so hard as you laughed, barely able to keep the cigarette between your fingers. 

Carmy looked away, an empty look on his face as he too chuckled to himself. 

After laughing so much that your belly began to hurt, you finally spoke up between dissolving giggles, “What the fuck am i even doing here!?”

Natalie turned her back to everyone, clutching her body in her arms. Fak walked forward and gently placed a hand on your shoulder. You didn’t even look at him as he hooked one of his arms under your arm and helped you up from the floor to stand against the wall again. Your knees buckled slightly as you continued giggling and wheezing in an attempt to catch your breath.

Fak stepped back and sighed softly, watching your chest heave as your breathing began to stabilize. 

An uncomfortable silence fell as you caught your breath, leaving the four of you in limbo to listen to a couple cars pass by and the wind blow softly by.

Carmy straightened up, making everyone except Sugar turn to him. He dropped the cigarette he was smoking and crushed it under his shoe. He then reached behind him to untie the knot of his apron and then moved to his neck where he took it off completely. He thrusted it forward, pushing it to you.

“Okay Chef, break is over.” He said. 

You looked over at him, finding no fear or sadness on his face, before nodding and grabbing the apron. He stepped back and turned, moving to open the back door and step inside. 

Sugar, Fak, and Richie all turned to you.

“Break is over,” you repeated and began to tie the apron around yourself before opening the backdoor and walking back inside. 

[putschki1969]

2024/09/05 Blog post by Wakana お久しぶりです！Wakanaのドウガ！〜猿島編〜

❗This is Fan Club EXCLUSIVE content❗ ❗PERSONAL USE ONLY❗ ❗Do NOT SHARE on other sites❗ ❗Join her FAN CLUB! Check out my detailed TUTORIAL ❗

A New Wakana FC Video After a Long Time! ~Sarushima Edition~

The other day I got on a bus and when it was finally time to get off at the next stop, I was suddenly confronted with a really big problem. You might wonder what problem it could have been. Well, of course it's the dilemma of who is pressing the STOP button first (I realise, it's a non-issue for most people).

I often wonder if anyone will press the button so I will raise my arm, preparing myself to press it. But in that very moment someone else on the bus will beat me to it and press the button first so I've put in effort for nothing. But then at other times, when I decide to do nothing and wait for someone else to step in, for some reason, no one will move a finger to press the button. To avoid these troublesome moments, I will usually take charge of the situation and press the button at the first possible opportunity (even if it is for a stop where a lot of people will get off anyway).

However, on this day, about 0.5 seconds before my finger was touching the button, a little girl sitting in the seat in front of me also reached for the button close to her! ! Oh my God!! 😭😭Before I knew it, I had already pressed the button on reflex 😭*sobs* A grown-ass adult, driven by a misguided sense of responsibility, had pushed the button with so much enthusiasm and taken away a little girl's chance to do it. So stupid!

I saw how the poor girl reached out and just before her little finger touched the button, it lit up and the telltale "ping" rang through the bus, letting everyone know that the button had already been pressed. She turned to the woman beside her, presumably her mother, and just stared at her in shock and sadness. The woman looked at the girl with an appeasing smile and nodded (she honestly looked like the Virgin Mary trying to comfort her child.)

As for me, I was beyond myself. I was shocked too and completely froze up so I couldn't even say anything. I simply turned away with an apologetic expression on my face. I am so sorry, little girl! Please forgive me! To make things worse, I felt like the woman beside me had witnessed the whole thing so I tried to avoid looking at her as best as possible until I got off *laughs*

Hello, this is Wakana (0￣▽￣0)／

I vowed to myself that from now on, I would always check to see if there were any children around.

Well, today, a new Wakana fan club video has been uploaded for the first time in a long while😊This is a video about my trip to Sarushima that I mentioned in earlier log posts and which was also featured in my fan club newsletter! I was alone so it was tricky to film myself but I made a short video that shows the beautiful scenery of the island. You can also hear the birds chirping😍The part where I climb the "Heartbreak Stairs" (it's what I decided to casually name them) is 2 minutes long and uncut😄It may be a little hard to watch💦I hope you enjoy it nonetheless✨ »»——  CLICK ME 🎁 CLICK ME ——««

I also have a video of the "island announcement" that I talked about in the podcast, so I'm uploading it here as a bonus😂(※please note that the volume may be high)

All right, that's all for today! Until next time~☆( '▽')/

＊＊＊Wakana＊＊＊

2024/09/10 Blog post by Wakana おしゃべりガーデン第13回目‼️〜お祭りと不思議話と訂正事項がございます‼︎〜

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Talk Garden Vol.#13‼️~Festivals, Mysteries and Corrections~

The other day, on the way back from having dinner with two of my friends, there was a festival nearby so we decided to take a look😊There were a lot of people on the narrow approach to the shrine, and they sold a lot of delicious things such as takoyaki, okonomiyaki, baby castella, and candy apples! Even though we had just eaten, we decided to buy some baby castella and walked through the crowd while eating it together😂We simply couldn't resist that sweet smell😋Then, one of my friends said that she was good at yo-yo fishing, so we decided to give it a try＼(^o^)／You know, this time, unlike last time, I was able to catch one really easily🤣Mine was more like a vinyl air balloon rather than a proper yo-yo balloon so I didn't have to worry too much. I was still traumatised from my previous series of complete failures (please refer to my Instagram for details) so I went with this relatively safe and easy option.😂It doesn't even have water in it, so it's easy to get it out *laughs* My friend managed to get the water balloon yo-yo! Bravo!!

Hello, this is Wakana (0￣▽￣0)／

After enjoying a delicious dinner, we bought baby castella, six skewers of yakitori, six pieces of fried chicken, and yakisoba. The three of us ate it all *laughs* The festival effect is amazing 😂

Well, today, Vol.13 of my podcast "Wakana's Talk Garden" has been uploaded!! ︎＼���\٩( 'ω' )و //／／I read about everyone's "strange and mysterious stories" 😊I realized that there are many different patterns in strange stories 😯There really are a lot of things that I find strange in my daily life. I thought about it a lot after I had recorded the episode.

For example, whenever I have a photo-shoot with my regular photographer, for some reason, the sky always clears up and it stops raining. Or when I think I've run out of an item so I buy more to stock up only to realise that I have a lot left *laughs* There are also lots of incidents when you can't help but think, "only at times like this…" These situations are really strange but they do happen😂I think the best example for something like this is when you suddenly meet someone that you haven't seen in ages😂And it's almost always in moments when you're just spacing out without thinking about anything, or when you're in a really hurry😂 Such weird timing! Why in that moment!? It's weird. Also, for some reason, various things just happen at the same time so that makes you wonder why now!? There are many strange things that happen every day so I want to live my life having fun while also appreciating all the strange occurrences 😊✨Thank you so much for all your submissions! !

Well, the next talk topic will be "Everyone's Rules of Healthy Living" ♪ Anything you make sure to eat every day? Are you doing anything to take care of your intestines? Maybe you try to walk the distance of one station every now and then? Please share all of your rules that help you lead a healthy life! ＼(^o^)／The deadline is the end of this month on September 30th! I'll be waiting for your messages♪

Last but not least, I need to correct something I said in the latest podcast episode! It's about my “Join Wakana! Houseboat Full-Course Tour” on September 22nd and 23rd. In the episode, I mentioned that the seating on the boat would be "chair-style". However, turns out that info was old, the boat we will board is a bit more traditionally Japanese so the seating will be "sunken kotatsu-style"!! 🥺🥺Maybe the boat is also a little bigger than it was originally, so that might be why they changed the seating style 🥺 I'm sorry for the misleading statement! 😭 So please note, there won't be any chairs, the seating provided will be sunken "kotatsu-style"!! ･:*+.(( °ω° ))/.:+ I hope you will sit comfortably! ! !

Anyway, that's all for today! Until next time~☆( '▽')/

＊＊＊Wakana＊＊＊

Wakana’s Talk Garden #13

❗This is Fan Club EXCLUSIVE content❗ ❗PERSONAL USE ONLY❗ ❗Do NOT SHARE on other sites❗ ❗Join her FAN CLUB! Check out my detailed TUTORIAL ❗

Episode #13 »»—— CLICK ME 🎁 CLICK ME ——«« ・Share a strange experience ・Anything you’d like to ask Wakana/Anything you’d like Wakana to talk about

For next month’s episode which is scheduled to air on October 10th, the following two topics have been chosen: ・Everyone's Rules of Healthy Living

The submission deadline is 09/30.

[bambinotattoo]

Erica’s Diaper Plan

Chapter 13

(Four years ago)

((Erica was now at the age where she had unsupervised access to the Internet, and the first thing she did while no one could see was figure out what this whole ABDL thing is… especially since diapers are changing table and everything have been ripped from her.

To her amazement, it seemed that there was an entire community of older people, teens, and alike that were diapers. From first glance, it seemed like most people had “a thing” for wearing diaper diapers. That was cool but kind of skeved her out. She much more enjoyed the stories post, etc. about real teenagers wearing diapers for bed wetting and other necessities. She really enjoyed this one person’s page she stumbled on to who has posted things and multiple platforms. The user name was Baby J, and although there was no pictures or any associating data… she did happen to see a reply that said they also lived in southeast Virginia. That made Erica happy.

Over the next few months and years as Erica got braver with her posting and ABDL research, she became Internet friends with this baby J… and the two shared stories, experience experiences, desires, and etc.

Erica wasn’t one to share pictures of herself online, but got the courage and sent a picture of her and a good night to Baby J. In Erica’s mind, no harm no foul… however “Baby J” immediately knew who she was…))

(Present day—Sunday morning)

A typical Sunday morning was playing itself out as Jim was mowing the lawn, Sara Beth got Erica changed into a fresh diaper and went home to get herself ready for school tomorrow, and Erica was doing a little emailing as well as getting herself ready for school in the morning.

Erica noticed, that all the parental controls were still on as she was trying to accomplish things. So she stopped, and went to find her mother…

“ hey mom”

“yeah honey? Do you need changed?”

“Um, I think I’m a little… but it can wait. I was kinda wondering about the parental controls on my computer. I can’t do the things I need to do with those.”

“Shit, that’s right… that’s my bad honey. I was still mad about all the post and blogs and etc… bring me your computer and I’ll get those off for you”

Erica turned around to go grab her computer, and quickly brought it back to her mom…

“ OK here we go, now, I’m trusting you to use this for school. Even though we’re letting you be a baby and be diapered and stuff right now… I’m still not happy with the way you went about it, and I’m still gonna be using some of the things you wrote, and replied to and your future punishments if necessary”

“ OK mom, what if I just give you access to all that or you making an account and can monitor what anything I say?”

“ Erica, that feels like invasion of privacy… but yes, if it means that much to you, I will make an account follow you on all those things and if you post or say anything, I’m not comfortable with. I’ll say something.!”

“ thanks mom, that really means a lot!”

Her mom smiled, thinking to herself did I just say that out loud? But she also thought, this is a good way to give her some freedom back as well allow her to monitor that side of things. Besides, maybe she’ll get more insight into how her daughter is feeling about everything.

“ I’ll tell you what Erica, why don’t you start a blog about your time and diapers so I can read what you really think instead of just getting blushing nods and stuff… would you be comfortable doing that?”

“ like a public blog?”

“ if that’s what makes you comfortable, I just know you want to be involved in that and I wanna try and be understanding…”

“ OK!”

“ now come here so I can check you, don’t want you going to school tomorrow with a fresh rash”

It was deemed appropriate for a diaper change, as Erica got changed out of her pink little for big into a new one this time with a nice big booster pad to make her waddle and feel more little.

As Erica went back to her room, and opened the laptop. She immediately logged into all of her sites, blogs, and etc., and sent links to her mother so she could be monitored. This felt weird as her mom would be reading all about her want to be diapered… but I guess it’s a little late to be not honest and open.

After she sent that, and her mother yelled thank you… she noticed she had a message or two and decided to check them. One was from Baby J, the one consistent person she’s talked to about all this for a few years now. Baby J had been the one that was helping Erica decipher her original plan to get back in diapers. And they hadn’t heard anything since Erica went dark for five days ago. So Erica composed a long message about the public accidents, the letter she wrote her mom, and all the diaper she’s been changed into in the last few days. Even told her she’d be going to school the next day diapered. As well as expressed some apprehension and shyness about the whole situation. But ended with the fact that the school nurse was a friend who had diapered her before… so that was at least making her feel OK about it. She talked at length that how much she likes Jasmine and how she hopes that she can babysit her in the future as well.

After checking a few more blogs and replying to several more things, her mom walked into her bedroom and decided to ask a few questions…

“ Erica, do you mind if I ask you a few things while we’re being honest and open about all this?”

“ I guess, what do you wanna know?”

“ I’m not even sure what I wanna ask, but there’s a few things I’ve seen you like talk about etc. that I just want some clarity on.”

That sounded fair enough in Erica’s mind, besides all the things that’s on there are things she was really interested in so any and all that happens couldn’t be a bad thing, right?

“ you prefer it if you get your diaper, checked and changed… like I mean, you don’t want the ability to do it yourself do you?”

Erica started turning that familiar shade of blush…

“ it’s OK Erica, we’re being honest”

“ I don’t wanna change myself… I like it when you do it or someone else does it”

“ that’s what I thought, just wanted to make sure we weren’t putting you in a position where you felt assaulted at all”

“ goodness no, I like it!!”

“ I thought so just questions, secondly, I see you like respond and reply to a lot of stuff about public humiliation… it seems you’re really interested in that, but also seems like when that happens you don’t want to… I guess I just want some clarity on that, because I’m open to a lot of that if you want it”

Erica again couldn’t speak, mind, wavering, and wandering as her mother’s words eloquently tiptoed upon her ultimate wants and desires…

“ I like it once it’s over… does that make sense?”

“ honey, not much of this makes sense to me. That’s why I’m asking some of these questions. So I was gonna go through a couple of scenarios, and see how you felt about that… and then just go from there. Cause I’m sure you don’t wanna know when things are coming, and I want you to be surprised when they do.”

“ yeah OK, we can do that”

“ OK great, I’m gonna go over some just simple stuff to gauge your interest and excitement. I don’t wanna give anything away… so you’re OK with me dressing you in your little clothes, thicker diapers, and taking you to the mall, store, and or etc.?”

“ I think so yeah, I mean the mall would be a little nerve-racking… but yeah”

“ OK, and obviously, I’ll be carrying your diaper bag… as well, as loudly asking how your diaper is doing? If I’m understanding, any of this the right way, you like the idea of strangers, sort of knowing your diapered? Yea?”

Again shyly, “yes mam”

“ OK, and getting changed in public… you’re good with that?

“ gotta do what we gotta do right mom?”

“ I reckon so, if you start blushing or crying or getting upset, should I stop or keep going?”

“ keep going?!?”

“ you don’t sound too sure about that one”

“ you’re the mom, you’re in charge, literally whatever you wanna do, or put me through…I trust you!”

“ OK then, I have several ideas, please be open with me after the fact, so I can amend anything to make you more comfortable or less whatever, lol”

“ thank you again for allowing this to happen Mommy, every time I move for fill myself crinkle… I smile so big and think of you!!”

“ well that’s sweet Erica, know I may not seem excited about it at all times… but I’m trying to come around. Speaking of which, let’s get you changed into a cute skirt… I need to go pick up some things, and we’re gonna test this!”

Erica’s mind immediately started wandering, now she thought… kind of thought I would have some time to prepare, but that’s what happens when your diapered…she thought to herself. Her mom got her into a baby doll skirt, a pink onesie underneath, and some long pink athletic socks. Her mother clipped her pacifier onto her top, and patted her daughter’s thickly, diapered butt.

The 2 Made Their Way to the car, waving at Jim, who is still working on the grass.

Just as Erica was about to get in the front, her mother stopped her…

“Um, hey… so I picked up something this morning… why don’t you open the backseat”

“ is that a car seat?”

“ sure is little girl. Let me help you up there!!”

For the first time since getting put back in diapers and this whole thing starting, Erica felt apprehensive and wrong. Seeing the car seat, knowing it was big enough for her, made her feel really little and really shy.

“ what’s wrong Erica? I figured you’d hop in there lickety-split?”

“Um, just took me by surprises on Mommy… I’ll get in”

Karen got her daughter all situated, buckled in, and inserted her pacifier.

“ now, at all times… but specifically when we’re out. If I put your pacifier in or tell you to, it stays in. Got it? If not, you will get punished.”

Erica noted her head and began sucking her Paci, the words, your mother just spoke, bouncing around in her head. Erica noticed how high she sat, and how everyone driving by would see her.

Erica started to take her pacifier out as the drive progressed, but remembered what her mother said. The two pulled into the parking lot, that was quite familiar to the young girl… it was the mall.

“ OK Erica, I’m gonna check your diaper. We’re gonna get your diaper bag together, and we’re going in. Oh, a few more things… you need to hold my hand at all times, and do as I say…got it?”

“Yes mommy” mumbled through drool and her paci

Karen grabbed her daughter’s hand, her diaper bag over her shoulder, and the two entered through one of the big retail entrances. Karen didn’t really need to be anywhere today, but wanted to use this opportunity before she started school tomorrow to let her know how it’s gonna be being diapered out in the open. Also, to see if her daughter really wanted to be humiliated like she claimed. The two walked around, looking at things, no harm, no foul. When out of the corner of her eye, Erica noticed a group of girls that looked familiar.

“ Mommy, can I take my paci out, please?”

“No mam”

Her mother also noticed the girls, and decided to parade her daughter near them, but not too close. However, it was close enough to hear the group say…

“ is that girl sucking on a pacifier, and holding her mom’s hand… what a little baby?”

Laughing jokes, etc. came from the group. Her mother started looking at whatever that was where they were, and loudly asked…

“ hey gumdrop, how’s that diaper feeling?”

The group of girls couldn’t keep in there, laughter, and walked off, giggling and pointing.

Erica, knowing what her mother is doing, sucked it up and didn’t make a peep. To her mother’s surprise, Erica smiled at her, and kept on keeping on. The 2 Made Their Way into a clothing store for teens, that Erica had loved for a while. Although it was team clothes, they had a pretty big selection of little clothes as well…

Eric and her mom walked around looking at things, and found a a few cute pairs of leggings, and shorts that Karen wanted Erica to try on. Erica concurred, and followed her mother to the front to ask for entrance to the dressing area.

The two greeted with a smiling face, that quickly turned confused when they saw the teenager with a pacifier holding her mother’s hand. This made Erica blushy, but also ignited her desire to be OK with this. Karen noticed, and knew what she wanted to do.

“ hey thank you, OK Erica, I’m gonna go in there with you to make sure things go on over your diapers OK, OK?”

Erica darted her vision at the store clerk, to see a very confused look after the diaper comment… her mother, helped her get her skirt and onesie off and began trying on the leggings and shortalls.

“ I mean, they fit OK… you stay here and I’m gonna go get some bigger sizes and see if we can’t find something that doesn’t totally make your diaper stick out!”

Karen left her daughter, standing in a dressing room, wearing only a gently wet diaper. This embarrassment, totally made her start wetting herself. And wetting herself, totally not in her own. She was wetting her diaper, just like a toddler.

Erica could hear her mother talking and decided to listen…

“ hi there yeah, so I wanna try a few bigger sizes if that’s OK. Just trying to find things that will make her diaper situation not so obvious”

“ yeah no problem. Let’s find some bigger stuff, so…diapers huh? That’s different.”

“ yeah it’s really no big deal, she’s been wearing them our whole life. She has urinary incontinence and has no idea when she’s gonna go to the bathroom. To make it easier I just kind of baby her a little…”

“ that’s so adorable, and you’re a good mom for helping her out with that. I couldn’t imagine wearing diapers at what 11/12? That would be too much for me, she’s at least old enough to change yourself, right?

“ she’s actually 15, starting high school tomorrow… and no actually, she doesnt changed herself at all”

“ okey-dokey, still really cute though.”

“ you think it sounds cute. You should see her in a thick pink diaper., lol”

“ that’s adorable, I would like to see that!!”

Erica, hearing all of this continually wet herself with absolute anticipation of humiliation. This isn’t exactly what she had in mind, but again… this is what she asked for. Erica hurt her mother and the clerk walking toward the dressing rooms, and prepared for what ever was going to be next. The door swung open, exposing Erica and all of her pink diapered state.

“ oh man, that is adorable… you ever need a babysitter. I totally got you! lol”

“ I’m always looking, send me your info”

Her mother helped her try on more things while the clerk helped and they talked more, all Erica could do was suck on her Paci and trickle into her now soaked diaper, hoping her mother wouldn’t check her until they got home.

Her mother decided to grab some leggings short alls and a new skirt that all helped keep her diaper more secret, so that was the underlying positive. Right as they were checking out her mother decided to give her diaper a check before they headed home.

“ looks like you’re a saggy little wet girl, Miss Erica, why don’t we get you changed before we head home?”

The clerk finishing up their purchase, chimed in with…

“ oh my gosh, I totally want to see you change her if that’s Ok. I’m the manager here today, and we can go into the back break room for some privacy!”

Karen apprehensive at first, gave her daughter a look to make sure she wasn’t about to burst with too much going on… not at her head and said “okey-dokey”

Erica still holding her mother’s hand, was ushered back into the back area and told to lay down. Her mother opened the diaper bag while still talking to the clerk.

"I love all these colorful diapers, they’re so cute”

“ I like, keeping her and stuff that makes her feel a little… it’s more adorable that way”

Her mother opened her wet diaper, got the wipes out and started cleaning her up. The clerk especially liked all of the diaper rash ointment, and Erica cooed while powder was dumped on her. New diaper slid under, and fold it up and snuggly tape taped on.

“Yay, baby girl!!! That feels better, huh?” The store clerk chimed in

Erica could only not and smirk

“ so Karen, right? And baby Erica?”

“Yup, thats us!”

“ I’m totally babysitting for you, enough said. Do you have my info? Please text me whenever and I’m totally down!”

“ no problem, Crystal! Thanks for being so cool and helping!!”

“ no problem you’re welcome! Bye baby Erica, be good for your mommy?” The clerk said waving

The two finished shopping, returned to the car and headed towards home. While sitting in her car seat, staring at the window, Erica day dreamt.

“ whatha thinking about Erica? What’s today too much or was it OK? Remember, I’m learning here.”

“ it was fine I think”

“ it was fine, huh? OK, I’ll make sure go to go further next time”

That last statement really stuck in Erica’s head, everything she just experienced was a whole lot… and she was still processing. Now her mom says she’s gonna go further, what could that even mean? Oh well, this is my reality she thought.

[afhenvs3000f24]

Blog Post 1

My name is Farhiya Ahmed and I am in my thrid year of Environmental Management.

I never really understood my relationship with nature until I moved from my home country. Growing up, it was something I took for granted. My backyard was my go-to whenever I felt off or overwhelmed, but I didn’t realize how much it meant to me until I no longer had it. The transition to a new country was a big shift, and losing my safe space made it even harder. But, in a strange way, it turned out to be a blessing in disguise 🌱.

In Canada, my connection to nature has grown in ways I never thought possible. Back home, nature was about comfort—familiar spaces like my backyard or local parks. Here, it’s something completely different. Nature is vast, wild, and unpredictable. It’s not just a place to escape; it’s a place that pushes me out of my comfort zone and shows me new sides of myself I didn’t know were there. I never considered myself an adventurous person, but now, I’m excited to get out there and explore.

The person who helped me on this journey is my cousin Hanan. She’s lived in Canada her whole life, and when I told her I wanted to reconnect with nature here, she was all in. We begun with hikes, and let me tell you, our first one was an experience! Hanan swore it was an easy trail, but I managed to find the one spot of mud on the entire path and got my shoe completely stuck 😂. There I was, hopping around with one muddy sock, while Hanan was trying (and failing) not to laugh. We eventually got the shoe out (though it was never the same), and that day was full of little challenges like that. It was exhausting, but honestly? I loved every second of it. It was the first time I realized that nature wasn’t just calm and peaceful; it could be messy and unpredictable, but that’s what makes it so rewarding.

That’s when I started to develop what our textbook calls “a sense of place.” For me, it used to be my backyard—a small, safe space where I could retreat from the world. But now, I’m learning that nature is more than just a place of refuge. It’s a place of growth, where I can challenge myself, get a little lost (sometimes literally 😅), and come out the other side stronger. Every hike, every new trail I explore, makes me feel more connected to the world around me, and it’s an incredible feeling.

Nature is now something that challenges me, surprises me, and even teaches me. Instead of simply finding peace in familiar surroundings, I’ve learned to find peace in the unknown. This new relationship has made me more adventurous and more appreciative of the world around me. It's an evolving journey, and thanks to Hanan, I’ve come to see nature not only as a refuge but also as a source of personal growth.

And honestly, I can’t wait to share even more of these experiences with you through this blog! 🌍 I’ve got so many stories to tell, some of them are funny (like the time I nearly face-planted trying to cross a creek on a slippery log 😬), others are just filled with the beauty of nature that I want everyone to see. There’s something magical about being out in nature, even when things don’t go as planned. Sometimes, those moments are the best ones.

[ericleo108]

CosmicLuve.com December 2023 - Deer

Necessary prerequisite posts:

108 The Story of Discovering Earth’s Consciousness (book)

Sentientism 2022

Cosmic Love Feb 2020 - Emma Watson

Cosmic Love April 2022: Cary Charlotte or Mary

Cosmic Luve July 2023 - The Main Thing

Cosmic Luve Aug 2023 - Orange

Cosmic Luve Sept 2023 - Bam

Cosmic Luve November 2023 - Cosmic Bros

This post’s intro builds off the semantics from the cosmic luve entries “Bam” and “Cosmic Bros” but the semantics for this month are all new, and all surround Emma Watson (again). I keep up this blog to show how semantic coincidences I see as meaningful could be a communication from Gaia, which is another name for the Earth’s conscious and godly spirit. 

The basic theory is that Gaia can communicate through telepathic randonauting and “points of realization.” In other words, it’s thought that the Earth is conscious due to it’s magnetism that gives her the ability to read your thoughts and highlight cognition which affects your behavior. It’s postulated that Gaia would manifest her communications through signals of loving intent especially between romantic partners. She would basically have to use humans and animals as a canvas to paint her communication over the collective ethos which would manifest by groups of individuals acting out their (gaia) affected cognition. 

The basis of this is described in my book “108 The Story of Discovering Earth’s Consciousness” which breaks down the science and evidence behind my reasoning and why I came to this conclusion. In the sentientism posts on the blog I take the science and knowledge of this a step further into the belief that Gaia is already conscious and communicating and ask: “What would that look like?” Then, this cosmic luve log is my attempt at showing you all that from my experience and how the voice in my head predicts the future and manipulates my environment in the ways aforementioned. 

Where we Left off

I guess I should have waited longer to publish the last post because a couple new semantics popped up that day that directly related to the main theme of the last post. I’ve seen the video of Pattie Gonia holding up the signs of exposing Big Oil Tycoons as criminals before… but I forgot to log it. I made a tweet about it and about how I came across it on the day I published the November 2023 post and (eventually) apologized to Gaia for missing her communication. The next day, Philip DeFranco did another segment on the protests of Just Stop Oil. 

New Coincidences

It all started December 9th, 2023 when I went to Three Rivers to see a friend and shoot three one-take music videos on the train tracks. They are posted and include “Yeah We Bang” “I Got You” and “Paliperidone” which is embedded above. In the December 10th Sunday update I talked about Emma Watson as a dear. Quick explanation, there was a deer that stopped in the middle of the train tracks while I was filming the second video which was “Paliperidone.” This is cosmic luve because right as I’m filming the deer I say “Gaia’s force,” then a little later I say “here’s the tale” as the deer runs away showing it’s tail, and (at the time) Emma’s Instagram profile picture was the mother deer from Bambi.

In the December 10th Sunday update I also talk about how “in twilight while taking a nap during the day the other day and Gaia said to make a (mystical) tree an anchor that she could build upon so I tweeted it to make it official.” Here is the tweet about the tree. I mentioned how “I made a tweet back on October 1st about how I would get $500 from my music “in the next 100 days”. Well I got the $500 but it didn’t come from music. It was access money I had basically.” Here is the tweet I made on October 1st. I also logged in the update that Gaia said I would meet Hailee Steinfeld in two years. 

On December 11th I uploaded the Paliperidone One Take music video to Youtube. On the night of December 12th, Jimmy Fallon revealed the 9th box ‘til Christmas day’ sweater and it was a deer. Also on the night of December 12th Taraji P Henson was on Steven Colbert promoting the movie she was in which was  “The Color Purple.” In the interview Taraji talk about how they shot the movie around a big oak tree (recalling what Gaia told me in twilight).  The movie clip in the show is about recognizing god’s love.

On October 13 “Cosmic live brownies” dropped. I made a couple posts asking my ig audience why Emma Watson's profile picture is the deer from Bambi. On December 14 Emma changed her profile picture to a British vogue shot and lil dicky dropped mr McAdams the same day. Do you think this is Gaia making fun of me using Emma as a vessel? I think she is. On that day I also thought about the song “Do-Re-Me” from Sound of Music which I think relates especially with Emma being tied to the sun poem. That night Oprah made an appearance on Stephen Colbert wearing all purple. 

On December 15th Gaia compelled me to make the tweet saying “Gaia says “you’ll hand a girlfriend in three weeks.”” I still don’t know what that’s about, we’ll see… On December 18th the Urban Rescue Ranch talks about “charlottes web” at 6:50 and how the spider is protecting Patrick, who I think is a type of African or Australian deer, from flies. I just want to say, this is how Emma’s cat semantics developed that I talk about in the book, the difference is the semantics were a lot more frequent and consistent because I had a cat. The problem was I hadn’t developed my theory of Gaia’s system (ie, knhoeing, sentientism, and cosmic luve) yet. 

This will be a pivotal post because it’s all about Emma Watsan, and draw together semantics from the previous trope. Listen to “Hey Emma” and “Be my dream” for music about Emma Watson. “Charlotte’s Web,” the last remake from ‘The Chalice Mixtape’ drops on Emma’s birthday April 15 2024. 

I am now using threads to document cosmic Luve coincidences so future logs will link to threads to document the prophecies instead of ‘X.'

[namecreationissucky]

Tumblr broke on me for a second and wouldn’t let me post. So here’s a post after having to logout and log back in!

The last but not least commission from @dreamtydraw ! It’s Daloris Pitts, the grumpy office counselor.

She’s a bit off on how I imagined her. I had given the artist a lot of liberty as Daloris is a background character and therefore not fleshed out in appearance for me.

She’s got more of an indifferent attitude than the “resting bitch face” I had imagined her in, but I think it definitely looks good on her. The setting of the book is almost entirely in an office, so an apron was definitely a surprise. However, it was fun imagining what she might wear an apron for in her home life. I think she’d be the kind of person who’d exclusively wear an apron for cleaning.

Though it’s not exactly how I imagined it, it’s absolutely gorgeous. @dreamtydraw did an amazing job and I love whatever texture is going on.

With all that, I’ll say I was pretty frustrated with the artist due to how long it took to get my commissions. I had bought ten in total in July of 2024 and told them that I could supply them with references slowly as I was sure having all ten at once would be overwhelming, plus I’m a serial procrastinator and it would buy me time. She said that she was pretty quick and that sending all ten would be fine. I sent two at first as I was at work and sent the rest in a trickle as I found the time and energy. In September, dreamtydraw informed me that I had only sent nine, so I quickly sent over Daloris Pitts as my tenth commission. So I’ve been waiting, rather impatiently, for five months to receive my art that I had been told was quick all the while watching the artist post commission openings on their blog. I understand that they were having computer, health and in general life problems. I want to be understanding, so I want everyone else to be understanding as well. Sometimes, artists have got a lot on their plates.

I hate being a complainer. I hire artists because I love their work and they are affordable. I love the art I got. I just kind of gave up on ever receiving it since it drug out for so long. I’m sorry that I’m a serial complainer. Either way, I’ll be posting all ten commissions together next, so stay tuned.

[sweetashblog]

Draft from 4/3

Okay-

I just listened to the Project Meridian plotline for the first time and HOLY SHT

Spoilers below!!

This had me in a CHOKEHOLD ALL DAY.

Why don’t people talk about this more?? Literally all I knew was that James had a spouse and that Marcus was a weird guy that kissed a robot.

I didn’t know that we, the listener, were the robot! AND that we were a yandere robot!!!

I don’t like yandere plots, usually, because they feel horrific in a way that is way too close to reality (having a stalker is not something I wish on anyone), but the way this was presented CAPTIVATED me.

The gradual progression from unhealthy interest to extreme obsession was phenomenal. Especially because, while I knew he was a creep, I did not see Marcus as inherently Evil at first.

At first, I viewed this as more of a sci-fi horror, where Marcus was the catalyst, and it was ultimately his fault, but still a character I had empathy for. I thought “asset” was going to go down a darker path and that James was in danger.

It wasn’t until “Your Owner Takes Matters Into His Own Hands” that I realized how disgusting Marcus truly was. Then “Your Owner’s Log Entry” cemented that completely.

“Confronting Your Technician” was PAINFUL. I had such a hard time not feeling bad for Marcus, (bc who tf let Erik be such a great actor???) but James really shone through. He was blunt and confrontational and made it clear exactly how gross Marcus truly was without a hint of bias. I gained a new respect for his character that I hadn’t had before. Especially with how kindly he spoke to Asset afterwards.

And I LOVED the reveal of all the trigger words in the code!!! I didn’t catch any of them at first and had been really confused during A Talk With One of Your Devious Owners, but once everything came together I LOST IT.

I’m really grateful I got to listen to this with little to no spoilers. I was able to feel exactly what Erik was trying to invoke every step of the way and enjoy the immersion in the story.

I will never be able to get over Erik’s brilliance in writing and acting. How he is not a full-fledged voice actor, I have no idea. Everything he puts out is so well thought out and captivating, and somehow it stuns me every time.

AND ANTON— I love him with my whole heart and I’m going to personally track down Marcus and kick his teeth in I stg. I can’t wait to see how his plot develops 😭 Let him come home 😭

Anyways, thank you for coming to my TEDTalk. I think I need to make a new side blog for Redacted posts.

[manonamora-if]

Weekly check in. Some little stuff, some bigger stuff.

Current word count: 23.323 (Ch.5), >8k (Ch.6)

And we're finally back on track with Harcourt, babyyyy. After a month of eh from both me (with the editing) and MelS (writing the next chapter), we both managed to break through our respective blocks.

As of a few days ago, I sent back the edited Chapter 5 to MelS, so he could answer my comments and check the changes. I finally got to read the missing bits (and they are creepy and yucky)... Can't wait to code all of that when it is ready. We definitely need another round of MelS editing the text and me checking it, before I can add that to the file.

Until I get the file back, I'll focus on other projects.

Like...

Yerup... I ended up finishing it. A little binksi with more vibes than story. Click if you dare :P

Making a binksi (or a bitsy/bipsi) had been something on my bucket list for a while now (almost a year actually), and I finally got to make one for realsies!

Honestly, the hardest part in all of this... was making the tiles/sprites in 8x8 pixels ;-; Anyway, the code is freely available on itch and my GitHub.

Fixed some accessibility issues yesterday:

textbox not getting in focus properly

links/buttons not changing state when in focus but not hovered

added image descriptions to pictures in French/English

Also added the logos of Twine and SugarCube when the game loads. Those are clickable too.

I have worked a tad more on the UI/missing elements. But not as much as I should have.

Next week, the final update should be out.

This is what I'll be fixing this month. Officially reopened the code files, stared at it, and cried. It's so bad. It's such a mess...

Not looking forward to it, but it needs fixing! (I've asked the Forum for help too in the commands...)

ALSO, I've decided there will be a hyperlink version of this game. Instead of the commands, click on words. It will be in the same file, and you get to choose at the start.

I’ve finished reviewing the EctoComp entries (except the Spanish-only ones because I suck at Spanish...) and have started reviewing the Bare-Bones Jam entry. An updated version of the reviews have been queues on the IFDB and @manonamora-if-reviews. I will probably go back to the IFComp entries after that (probably after the voting deadline... I've done 40 already...).

-_-

I've made a completely new intro post with all of the place I'm at (if you'd rather not be on Tumblr). It was a long time coming, and now I have clear channels of where I'm posting about stuff. Just need to be consistent...

I've also started migrating old dev logs and posts to my blog, especially the longer ones where I have a lot to say. Since the search function and archive on Tumblr is eh, I get to keep the important ones (not all of them are) in a more organised place. They are still on Tumblr, btw. It's not gone, just copied. It's been nice to revisit old dev logs, and see how far I've come (it's been a long way). It's pretty humbling (especially the typos, omg... I fixed so many of those).

-_-

The IFComp and EctoComp, are always looking for players/voters. If you want to play a few short-ish games, take advantage of that! There is only a few days left for the IFComp and a few weeks for the EctoComp.

The @seedcomp-if is always looking for inspiration (text, images, code, etc…) in this current first round. If you have half-baked ideas or anything, really, come submit something!

Over @neointeractives, ShuffleComp! is looking for playlists and participats :)

-_-

And that's it I think...

[pungentdarling]

The Pungent Darling

Hello world!! The Pungent Darling is run by Michelle. Trying to fight imposter syndrome one post at a time. If it were up to me I’d only be going by Pungent Darling, but my mom insisted on me keeping my name in here somewhere. This was after I lectured her on why someone would choose to write with a pen name. I told her mine was for the anxiety of putting myself out into the world. This is terrifying!! But still she persisted. So, here we are, welcome to the blog where thoughts, opinions, creativity, reviews and rants will be held. Light a candle, grab some snacks and don’t forget a drink, this is going to be a post about my background to make me feel legit on why I deserve to start a blog.

If you know me, you know how much I constantly talk about “when I start my fashion / music blog,” or “when I interview [any celebrity] I’m going to ask them…” One of my brothers once told me “I’ll let you interview me when you’ve got the story” haha, harsh!! What can I say, I’m a dreamer with my head in the clouds. While I was up in the clouds letting my mind wander I started to remember all the things I did before I shut off my creativity. I stopped having goals for myself and ended up in the ether untied to anything. I’m starting to ground myself again and walk the talk.   

I used to have a tumblr blog of pictures I would take of bands at their concerts, some with a photo pass, some from the crowd. It was a blast!! But I forgot the login, so that is a chapter of my life I won’t be able to edit. The feeling of adrenaline while photographing a band between the stage and barricades is wild. The screaming fans behind you while you’re photographing each band member feels like they’re cheering you on. I always wondered if the musicians could see me smiling (I tried to photograph my favorite bands at that time so this was a big wonder and wishful thinking.) I'd also be singing their songs as my face was shield by my camera (always wanting to stay out of the way and observe.) Shout out to my plethora of Canons, thank you for getting me into places!! This was a very fun and cool part of my life, I wish I would’ve stuck it out, but imposter syndrome and lack of passion will make you stop doing anything. It sucks when it was the only thing you’ve built your personality around.  

DiD sHe Go To CoLlEgE?! YUP!! I graduated with a bachelor's degree in arts, majoring in Broadcasting and Journalism minoring in Apparel and Textile Merchandising. I shit you not, those exact lengthy ass words are on my degree!! This school is not worth mentioning and I’m still mad at myself for going there. Words of advice don’t go to a college just because it’s the cheapest state school and the school colors were your favorite complimentary color combo. I’ve always had a love / hate relationship when it comes to this section of my life. Through all the pain, came things I’ve learned that will stick with me for life, the good and the bad. 

My vision for this page is to share experiences and things that I think are cool. Basically all the things I love and want to share; traveling and checking out new local places, sometimes a quick day trip! Two hours one way isn’t that far if it seems worth it, in my humble opinion. I want to share what I’m reading and cooking; concert reviews; travel logs; grief; fashion things; music interest and food places. I’m not going to limit / force myself on the length of the post like I would in the past, maybe that is why my previous writing / blogging endeavors never worked out. Third times the charm!!

Please enjoy this picture of me in a very weird time of my life, but looking at it now it’s one of my favorite pictures of myself. It embodies the chaos that is The Pungent Darling. I can’t wait to see where this blog goes, all I want is to keep evolving and sticking to my boundaries. 

Xoxo,

The Pungent Darling 

[hakirachan]

Hey guys. Hakira here. Just a rant below the cut, read if you want. Or don’t. I don’t care.

I usually don’t vent on this blog. It’s mostly full of crack, shits and giggles, which is why you probably weren’t expecting this kind of post. But I just need to explain something in case I suddenly stop posting one day. (I know you guys probably don’t care; in fact, most of y’all probs won’t see this, but I needed to post this anyways. Sorry.) It’s kinda depressing so feel free to keep scrolling now that you know that.

So, I’m at a really shitty point in my life. It feels like everyone’s against me, like I’ve got almost nobody supporting me, and I feel like I’m hated by everyone I’ve ever looked up to. I know, sooo original. Well, it’s deeper than that.

I’m still living with my parents (somehow), but it’s always been pretty toxic ever since I was a kid. As the youngest, I can guarantee that the “youngest sibling is the favorite child, oldest gets all the work” stereotype is complete bullshit. I was told to do some things that kids that age shouldn’t have had to do. At just 6-7 years old, I was forced to take heavy bags & boxes (and I mean 40-50 pounds each) of my dad’s old shit down to the curb and wait there until they got picked up by his friend (“to make sure it didn’t get blown away” or something like that) in the middle of a fucking snowstorm, with temps below -10 degrees Fahrenheit [around -23 degrees Celsius]. Almost lost my fingers from that. They made me set out & pack up most things for a family campout on my own when I wasn’t even staying at the campsite; I was staying home with a mean, nicotine-addicted (took out a cigarette the moment my parents pulled out of the driveway; refused to stop smoking even though the smoke was making my 8-year-old body nauseous) babysitter because I had a B- in one of my classes. I know this doesn’t sound that bad, but the problem is that I wasn’t even 10 when these things were happening. It’s not really anything too serious, but I was still basically ripped out of my childhood way too early. But, enough about my childhood; now my present life. I’ve relied on my friends for comfort for most of my life because of my dysfunctional home. Recently, though, my friends have become more distant and toxic. Spreading rumors, talking shit, leaving me out, and pulling pranks that go too far (like ruining the outfit I worked so hard to make the day before my band concert). I’ve only got three friends I trust; however, 2 of them I hardly talk to anymore (not because anything happened, we’ve just got different things going on in our lives). So, there’s only one real friend who’s always stuck with me. However, there’s nothing he can do about my family at home. As I said earlier, my family’s always been toxic and dysfunctional. It should have gotten better over the years, but no. It’s gotten worse. They’ve cussed me out, threatened me, and recently, I’ve even been a victim to some domestic violence. I talked to the cops about it, and to a lady from the state who deals with these kinds of things. However, since there were no visible marks and no proof of it, they couldn’t log it as abuse because they can’t just go off of what is said; they need some hard evidence to actually do anything. So, since I don’t have the money to move out of my parent’s house, I had to watch my only hope at escaping this mental and verbal (and now some physical) abuse quite literally walk out the door. I’ve been having suicidal thoughts and self-harm urges for the longest time. And, I’m ashamed to admit it because I’ve talked so many people out of it irl, but recently I have been self-harming. Thing is, while I had helped so many other people, nobody ever helped me through these dark times in my life. In fact, some people (who I helped through their trauma) literally told me to self-harm and to just kill myself when I tried venting to them. I just can’t deal with this shit anymore. I’ve tried and I’ve tried, but I can’t see the “bright side” anymore. There is no more “bright side” for me. I’m on the edge right now, literally. But I’ve got you guys to thank for getting me this far. Thank you so much for being here for me, even though I don’t usually vent, and you guys didn’t know what I’ve been going through up until now, so you weren’t actively trying to support me. Even so, thanks for appreciating me and not treating me like I’m more worthless than a dead plant. I love you all, and I hope you guys have great lives. So, if I change my mind, then I’ll see you guys later. If not…well, don’t mourn me, I’ll be in a better place. So long, guys. also im gonna give this a few days in case things get better (though let’s be honest, they’re probably not gonna) so don’t miss me just yet. If I’m gone for like, over a week, then you can assume I finally freed myself from this hell

shoutout to my mutuals, you guys are awesome and were great help to me (im not gonna pin you so you don’t feel obliged to read/reply to my dumb rant): dumb-mc-sheep cldhart08 acronym49 cricketproofreads im-an-angy-alpaca trash-opposum

And special shoutouts to my two fav mutuals (sorry other moots) @family-disappointment and @avatarofstars! You two were some of the greatest motivators for me to keep going. I’m sorry that your efforts (while unintentional) probably weren’t enough this time. I love you both and wish you both the best lives you can have! (And sorry for bothering you with the tag, just wanted you to see this last little note to you both💜)

This is Hakira, signing out.

:)

[consequencesofargentdawn]

Yo, I've been casually checking out the blog from time to time since a while. So long story slightly shortened I used to be a part of the Assemblage Gnome Guild during BFA and some part of Shadowlands. See, I got nabbed up when I was a complete noobie alt-tabbing in Stormwind while waiting on a fella to hop on to RP. Well, they were busy and when I tabbed back in i was being approached lmao. Despite vague warnings of this PCU I had no real clue and didn't bother to look up what was going on. I got booted for inactivity when irl got the best of me, with Perroy himself asking me "Do you even rp anymore" or shit along those lines. Told him I was on a break and sometime later i learned i was booted when I did not spot the Discord server on my list. So can I get caught up on wtf has been going on with the Assemblage and that other Dwarf Guild i cant remember the name of? I can post my whole ass story in a follow up, either here or on discord, but I am curious what has been going on with them during their existence, even when I was not there. I was around when the guild was on it's last legs, the head honcho having quit, replaced by another character. Said new GM literally had to use an alt for the next next event's npcs. (I say next twice cuz the first one they planned literally did not get enough people to attend [skull emoji].) Also I heard about something something Perroy and gnomes. So.. yeah. Don't spare me any details 'n stuff, I wanna know it all. Also as an ending note here is a fun fact: I got scolded several times for logging off before the member count thing that was happening by the leader at the time, Ryder. Thanks for reading my ramblings. I might even ramble more sometime.

Assemblage of Uld and League of Modimus were the real main Eastern Kingdoms foothold for the PCU after the Bloody Verdict was brought down in (you guessed it) a sex pest scandal. Despite that however Gnome and Dwarf RP has always been a niche that never truly gains the same number of players as other more popular niches (Humans, Military, Elves etc).

From our understanding there were too many long term Dwarf guilds persisting on Argent Dawn for the standard PCU policy of infiltration, dissimulation and assimilation of others for the PCU to maintain consistent numbers and activity.

Guild leaders from League of Modimus also ended up wanting to try out and make a Dracthyr guild as Dragonflight approached and their attempts understandably backfired when it was seen that they were not just some normal RPers but actually PCU gang members trying to take over yet another niche.

League of Modimus and Assemblage of Uld ultimately merged into Forgecog Fellowship, which lasted a few months before ultimately unable to keep interest, also went the way of the dinosaur.

Your insights however have been of interest to us, and again confirm the type of person Perroy and his officers have usually been. If you would like to share more we would be happy to publicize your experiences, anonymously of course if that is desired.

[stopthefeeling]

A year since BBB and my entry to the show, here's my long and boring story of how I started watching because occasionally, I remember this is a blog and not just incoherent screaming.

I'm on tumblr, of course I'd known about it for years. I'd heard little bits, controversies, the Hen and Eva stuff had come up briefly on a tv site I follow, and obviously, I knew about Thee ship. I kind of vaguely followed lone star here and there, but the main show seemed messy, so I didn't really want to get involved - with either show really, to be honest. I looked at the tag when it trended occasionally, but pretty quickly, I'd blocked every tag associated with the show (no foul, I just didn't want it clogging my dash, as I do with many shows). I remember seeing the gifs after 7x03 with one half of thee ship touching some guy that nobody had heard of's arm and I was like, okay this seems like a stretch but I'll wait and see next week. (I also saw something about one of thee ship dying which confused the fuck out of me for far too long, I really hadn't looked at tumblr in a while!) And so on that fateful Friday, I logged onto tumblr not long after I'd woken up, just out of mild curiosity. And I was pleasantly surprised, if mildly... okay so I had preconceptions about the show and the concept of queerbaiting attached to it and as I've said, I'd heard about the controversies, so I think something just didn't fully fill me with joy at the win, even if I was happy for my mutuals who watched the show.

So, I decided to investigate. I wanted to challenge my assumptions about the show and work out how... how they'd got to bi Buck. I read some interviews, watched the Buck scenes in 7x04, and then went back to 7x03 to watch that stuff, too. I listened to some podcasts, read more interviews, and ended up watching the Tommy episodes in s2 (and This Life We Choose bc it also had Freddie in it).

All the while, I was working on my uni dissertation, and it seemed like a nice distraction, this investigation of a different kind. I watched Buck Begins and just started jumping around to build a picture of the show (I think there were a couple of comments on an old reddit post that highlighted important Buck episodes and good general episodes) - really early on I went for Full Moon, I guess because I remembered the Eva stuff?

I told my flatmate a few mornings after 7x04 how tired I was because I'd spent most of the night watching a show I was never going to bother actually investing in for research purposes. I honestly believed that as well. I made a list of episodes I'd watched and then 7x05 aired and I was awake so I thought, fuck it, and watched it live (still the only episode I've actually watched live). I still told myself I was doing this for research, though, until I watched Powerless, and that episode was a massive turning point for me. I needed to see the next episode, I couldn't keep jumping around. So I did. Chronological order from then on, until I finished s6 and looped back around. My entire April was spent on about 3 hours sleep, working on my dissertation for 8 hours and spending every other minute of the day watching or reading about the show.

I never did get into Thee ship on more than a basic level, much as I wanted to (I will still give the shooting, that remains insane to me and I will never argue that) but my research uncovered a really fucking brilliant show that I judged way too quickly. I'm so glad I have this show in my life. It's been my lifeline more times than I care to admit in the last year. So, thanks to Buck for being bi. You really made me eat my words on this one.

[voidingintotheshout]

I’m not gonna hide my comment in the tags this time, but because of Ramadan related reasons, and the fact that I got a little too carried away with stuff that I was into on Tumblr, I had to delete the app on my phone for a couple of days and I scheduled a couple of posts so it wouldn’t be too conspicuous. I just download it now again on my phone and I just find it to be not as good as I remember? Like it’s only been a couple of days, but I was scrolling through my feed, and it just all seems like a bunch of nonsense. Like I know that if I don’t like my feed that I did this to myself because I chose to follow the stuff but I don’t know. I kind of preferred the before times when if I wanted to use my phone, I spent my time writing or reading instead of just scrolling through a bunch of minutiae. 

Which sucks, because when one of my favorite Tumblr users @bondsmagii left the site, I missed them for a good long while.

On the other hand, pretty much every single post I create myself is two note flops, so I doubt anybody is really gonna miss me. Like, do you know how hard it is to be too cringe for Tumblr, everybody knows one of those likes that my posts have is me.

I don’t know. I’m just thinking to myself. I’m not making any concrete plans. It’s just there’s this poetry collection that I was reading instead of Tumblr and the poetry isn’t particularly good as far as I can tell but I found that all I needed before I did something productive after work was to just do nothing for a few minutes and then I was fine. I didn’t need Tumblr to fill that gap when I was too burned out to do something productive. I just need to wait a few minutes.

I mean, I spend an hour and a half on Tumblr a day… or at least I was before I logged off. I considered it a point of pride, that if I followed your blog, I saw every post you made. I would scroll until I saw my posts from the previous day and then I would scroll back to the top and then scroll to see any that got posted while I was scrolling to make sure I didn’t miss anything.

I guess I just really had a big perspective shift that happened on Friday and I don’t know. It’s probably depressing that this is how I find out about things sometimes. I don’t know if it’s worth it anymore to have to spend hours a week scrolling through fanfiction I’m not interested in and half baked Hot takes about factually misleading news posts.

Like in a way Tumblr is starting to feel like South Park. It just kind of feels like something I might be outgrowing? Don’t get me wrong, I am not going to go on other social media sites because only tools use normal social media sites. If I do stay, it will be because I will be modeling my blog after people who only seem to post about what they’re doing such as @naamahdarling and @hedgehog-moss . I think that, instead of treating my blog as it once was, which was an archive of all the cool things from the Internet, I think if it survives, it’ll probably end up being mostly posts about what I’m doing, and what’s going on in my life. 

[arcade-project-wr]

Text Issue

I logged onto my Computer at my house to start working on my Game and for some reason this happened.

However something interesting Continue isn't like this. This is probably because it is always the same across every single question.

I changed the Text Colour Black because I wanted that colour any ways so it would contrast with the Choice Button.

The Text was awfully big so I decided to select each Text Box and in Details

I searched up Size and Under Appearance and Under Font then in Size decreased it from 30 to 10.

This however also resulted in the Button's Size decreasing

However I thought to make sure they were the correct size again I would type in one of the Text's a long sentence to make multiple layers of words so the height of the Buttons would also increase. And not to my surprise this happened.

The Text not only went over the Button limit and the Vertical Box limit but also the whole Canvas. This is because there is no Wrapping for it as it is set to 0.0 and in Unreal 0.0=Infinity. Obviously it doesn't take Einstein to figure out that I don't want my Text to be off the screen, so I got to set up some Wrapping. In Details you search up Wrapping and then in Wrap Text At I put in 10.0

Then..

this happened. Now it Wraps too Early making its Height way too High and its Length way too short. So with some testing and trialling with the Numbers I got to.. wait hang on

No matter what I changed it to it would always be like this. At this point my only option was that I had to have 0.0 Wrapping and just keep my answers short.

I tried to fix the Text being all [A] by going into ClimateQuiz_Widget and selecting out of Variables Question Structure Question

Then went to Default Value and typed up 1+1 and other numbers as Answers.

Then I looked and saw there was no way to add another Questions so I looked at one of my blog post. Then I realised I was meant to do this in ClimateQuiz_HUD so I changed them back to what the Text Blocks say when I renamed them to.

Now in ClimateQuiz_HUD these are the Questions I have with the different Answers

There was another problem where the First Question wouldn't work so for simplicity both Questions will be 1+1 with the First Question's Answers will be 1, 2, 3, 4. Then the Second Question's Answers will be 2, 4, 3, 1 to make sure I know the difference.

It knows what I'm typing but it isn't showing it.

I added a High Score to the Score system but because this game is never going to need that anyways, and even if by some miracle it gets completed there is no way I will be able to make this High Score System work so I'm going to remove it.

In Score Card the Widget

Simply all I need to do is select it

And pressing <- Backspace, then poof its gone. Now in its Event Graph I just deleted the Code for it

And while I was still in here I decide to Change some things that I wanted to.

First my Restart Button is really small

So to change this I selected the Button and searched up Size, then Under Appearance then under Style then Normal (woah its 2025 you can't say that) then Image Size values.

And no matter what I set them as it didn't change anything it stayed the same size, so instead I simply dragged the Corners and made the Button bigger Manually

Then increased the Text by searching Size and changing the number to 60

Then changed the Font to the Minecraft one.

Then for my "you scored : 00" Text I changed it to "You Scored : 00" because I love my CAPS. But there is a line of Code that uses the Sentence "you scored :". This is in ClimateQuiz_HUD's Event Graph in Append I just needed to change the Text.

While testing I kept selecting different answers on the same question think that I had moved on. (This was partly due to the Glitched Text) and I forgot that I had to click Continue. To fix this I searched up Color and Opacity but it didn't work so I went to my Scorecard to check and it was actually Background Color and so I choose a Lime Green.