#the universe is so big and we simply were not built to understand it all

[braintapes]

I'm deeply fascinated by takes that are very staunchly against the WAU because on the one hand, I completely understand the revulsion. The disgust. The WAU’s creations are, to human sensibilities, nightmare creatures only barely recognizable as 'once human.' The WAU's creations and modifications spit and trample on human memory as we generally think of it.

On the other hand...Humanity is so thoroughly obliterated in SOMA's setting that I don't think it's enough to kill the WAU on those grounds. Is what it's doing fucked up? Yes! But is it ultimately that different from the survival instinct of any animal? Is it that different from human instinct, to want to preserve and continue life at all costs? When it's what human hands created the WAU to do?

Humans are such a tiny proportion of all life. We're practically a footnote in every way to the planet Earth in terms of timescale. When you zoom out, the WAU strikes me as akin to, say, the first single-celled organism in the primordial soup.

It's a different form of life. A new form of life, perhaps. One that could grow and evolve over time in ways we can't imagine.

Is that so wrong? Who are we, the last echoing fragment of humankind, to completely deny that life, simply on the grounds that it isn't us?

I think about the Think Tank from Fallout: New Vegas. They were human, once. In terms of physicality, though, they’ve existed as brains in jars for such a LONG ASS TIME that they’re repulsed and confused by human bodies. They find them strange and inferior, because they’ve been themselves so long that what they are is completely natural to them. From their point of view, they are the most evolved form of life, and humans are just another kind of animal.

Even though they themselves are still human brains.

I think that fear - the fear that we, humans, will be dethroned from our positions on high as the 'rulers' of the planet - is an extremely interesting one to play with. There’s a lot to explore when you unravel that thread. I think about humancentrism, how we relate to other species etc. You could also turn the macro-scale into the micro-scale, the personal. It’s the same fear a parent has when their kid grows up into a being completely alien to the parent’s understanding and which has made you, the parent, obsolete.

The world moves on past you, beyond you. Something greater than you will take your place and you will be washed away in the streams of time. It’s horrifying! It feels as fundamental and primal a fear to me as fear of death.

SOMA plays with this in such a fascinating way that I’ve never seen a game tackle elsewhere. Humanity is almost, ALMOST absolutely irrelevant in its world. The game is a death march, a funerary procession for an entire world and entire species. It asks you, who are you, in all of this? What meaning do you make of it all?

It asks a ridiculous amount of questions, some in plain text, some in subtext. But they’re always personal questions. SOMA doesn’t need your answer to get you to the next level. It simply asks you and leaves you to reflect on your answer. It’s a beautiful use of the concept of ‘choices’ in gaming that I love.

Your choices don’t affect the in-game world. Whether you kill the WAU or not, you don’t get to see the far-reaching effects of that choice. It doesn’t matter. You, the player. You, Simon. You simply won’t be there to see those effects. All you can do is look within yourself, imagine yourself in these worlds, and ask yourself what feels right to you.

SOMA doesn’t have correct answers, either. It would be easy to wave that off as trying to seem deep without having to come down concretely on anything but I don’t believe it’s done half-assedly here. The game gives ONE concrete answer about what it thinks of the human condition:

You will always strive for hope. In the most absurd, almost comedically horrific conga line of atrocity thrown your way, you will cling to hope with bleeding fingers and chase it to the very, very end. Even when that hope is so fleeting so as to be almost nothing at all. This, SOMA says, is the fundamental nature of humans.

...And I’m just now realizing this post got waaaay away from my original point. On the macro-scale, the WAU is a progenitor of life imo. We have no way of knowing what kind or how it will grow or even if it will survive. On the micro-scale, it’s almost irrelevant to us, our journey, Simon’s journey. The choice to kill it, then, comes down to revenge. Do you spite it for what it’s done? Is what it’s done so horrific you want to stab it back?

I understand why people would. Personally, though, I can’t bring myself to cut it down when it carries such potential with it.

[wordsandrobots]

Huh. Actually -- since I'm stuff home sick and my brain refuses to shut up and let me sleep -- apropos of reblogging @superhelltubedotsys' post citing Barbatos Lupus Rex's status as a werewolf Gundam, I'm now thinking about the significance that has within Iron-Blooded Orphans (some spoilers follow).

Because Barbatos the demon has no association with wolves in the Ars Goetia. The nearest applicable part is "He giveth understanding of the singing of Birds, and of the Voices of other creatures, such as the barking of Dogs", which is fitting for Mikazuki and plays into the comparison between mobile armour Hashmal and a bird, but pointedly does not imply 'appears as a giant fuck-off wolf monster with a knife-tail'. That description would seem more appropriately applied to Amon, the immediately prior demon, number seven: "He appeareth like a Wolf with a Serpent’s tail, vomiting out of his mouth flames of fire . . ."

But of course, Gundam Barbatos' steady revision towards the Lupus Rex form is a drift away from its initial design. Exactly how much influence the Ars Goetia descriptions had on the Gundam project and how much they were just used as a naming convention is a little up in the air. Some do seem to be applicable (Zagan being a 'bull with gryphon wings', Flauros switching between the forms of a leopard and a man, etc.). Others . . . well, Bael is supposed to appear as either a toad, a cat, or a man, or all three at once, and while that has some applicability to McGillis' whole deal, it's not really a match for Gundam Bael's angelic form. Nor do the Gundam's abilities evoke demon!Bael's power to render someone invisible. However, I think we can safely conclude that, in-universe at least, the goetic demons are only pertinent to the Gundams' initial appearances and capabilities.

Barbatos' revisions throughout Season 1 are instead a gradual cannibalisation of various different sources of technology and weapons to get it back into fighting shape (Teiwaz technically restores it to its original appearance, but that doesn't last past the Dort arc; thereafter, we're back to bolting on any spare armour going). Barbatos Lupus then represents a significant step towards redefining it in line with the Chief's goal of creating an 'ultimate' version based on Mika's battle data, with Barbatos Lupus Rex being the end-point for that progression.

Put simply, Barbatos gradually becomes more and more tailored to Mikazuki, specifically. To digress for a moment, this forms a big part of my reasoning that Mika being able to use the katana properly at the climax of Season 1 represents the influence of Barbatos' original pilot; after this, he ditches that kind of weapon entirely. Even while fighting Hashmal, he reaches for the biggest club available (technically, a broad-sword, but so ridiculously huge nobody could call it a precision weapon). It's another interesting detail that Mika can't beat Ein in their final face-off by fighting like himself, which comes back around again as the back half of Season 2 kicks into gear.

Anyway, my point is this: being a werewolf is not inherently part of Barbatos' deal. Rather it represents Mikazuki's growing influence -- as you might thematically expect for a union with a character named after the moon (crescent moon, specifically, though I can't imagine the association wasn't intended given Tekkadan are wolf-coded in the text). And that's fascinating because as I've written about before, Barbatos and Mikazuki are the most blatant example of a devil's bargain in the show. The kid literally sells and arm and a leg (and an eye) for the power Barbatos can give him. And yet, the bestial aspects Barbatos takes on are rooted in Mika.

There's an echo of Gundam Wing's 'Gundams are a curse' refrain in IBO. These machines bring bad luck to everyone who pilots them, as a function of representing humanity subsumed by war. The inherent gamble of the Alaya-Vijnana, the overwhelming nature of the conflict they were built to end, the fact Gundams are never sufficient on their own to change the world -- it forms an unspoken counter-argument to McGillis' zealous faith in their status as symbols of transformation that is actually very in keeping with the demonological tradition from which they take their names. What they offer is costly and potentially damning, while also largely illusory when it comes to anything other than utter destruction. Indeed, Mikazuki is a living testament to how 'cursed' their pilots are.

It just happens that he was able to curse Barbatos back.

Because that's what Barbatos Lupus Rex is, isn't it? Put side by side with its original form, this is a clear degradation of a proud warrior into a savage beast. The same design elements persist, of course, yet by the end, it's near impossible to picture Barbatos as an elegant fighter making precision strikes with a honed sword. It has become a true berserker, tearing into its opponents with teeth and claws (well, claws and knife tail). As Tekkadan in general tend to, Mikazuki strips away the affectations of nobility and 'honourable' warfare in favour of brutal reality.

The detail of the Lupus Rex form merging parts of a mobile armour into a Gundam only heightens this. Weapons are weapons, whoever they serve and whatever guise they wear. Mikazuki is always honest about that. His awed response to Hashmal is of a piece with how easily he fits within Barbatos. He sees himself as equivalent to them -- has, in fact, constructed his entire identity around being so.

Thus, the lycanthropy he inflicts on Barbatos is of a kind that merely reveals the truth lurking under the skin. It was always an instrument of devastation. Now it looks the part.

[wlw-imagines]

In The Name of Love - Clara Oswald/Reader (Doctor Who)

prompt: "you have some awesome writing friend, anyways may i request an imagine with Clara Oswald from Doctor Who? an unrequited love type of imagine?" - anon

a/n: these are from my old tumblr thefandomwritings from back in 2018 ! re-vamped and re-purposed!! hope u enjoy and forgive the 2018 me style writing + the drama lmao   

The Doctor and you had been travelling together for a while. You'd always remember travelling the universe with Amy and Rory, River even joining in every now and then. You were like a family, the five of you together.

When Amy and Rory left things fell somewhat apart on the Tardis. River disappeared off somewhere and the Doctor fell into a silent mood, moping around his ship for hours on end.

But it hadn't taken long before another adventure was underway, and you were the first invited to join the team again. Of course you had said yes, life back on Earth was nothing compared to the stars and there were still creatures of hundreds and thousands of planets to meet.

The adventure this time? An apparent wild goose chase to find a woman who had died two times, an act that you were quite impressed with so when Clara was finally found you happily invited her with open arms onto the Tardis.

And you had practically watched yourself fall in love with the woman.

You had also watched Clara fall in love with the Doctor.

There had always been something between the two, something you couldn't place a finger on. You just wished you had some time to think it all through. However, by time you didn't mean you wanted to be stranded on an abandoned planet for weeks on end. That just seemed to be the universe's misinterpretation of your wish.

The weeks had passed by slowly. It had only happened because you had somehow been taken off course when trying to return to London, 1888 in an attempt to return Madame Vastra, Jenny and Strax back home. How it had ended this badly was difficult to understand and something you simply decided to blame on the Doctor, besides you had been persuaded that it was good fun to hang around on an empty planet.

Until you found out it was infested with Cybermen. That wasn't fun. It also wasn't fun to find out they were planning on transporting down to Earth once their upgrade had finalised and kill everyone and take over and make humans a part of their army.

Obviously the only saving grace was the old bomb the Doctor had found that seemed to have been built as a failsafe many years ago, something which greatly excited the Doctor.

"So we have a bomb!" The Doctor smiled, clapping his hand together and rubbing them happily. After 4 long weeks on this planet, that might have been the best thing you had heard so far... and you had been told that Vastra all but cried when Jenny had told her she had loved her. "Big bomb on a small planet infested with Cybermen. Sounds like a recipe for fun." He straightened his bow tie and ran off down a corridor, "Wait there, I'll be back." He yelled over his shoulder as everyone shared confused glances but stayed put anyway - apart from Clara who insisted on running after him. You knew the pair too well and so made no attempt to stop either of them, knowing your efforts would be futile.

You stayed where you were on the floor, watching as Clara ran the opposite direction and just hoping she would stay safe and not do something too stupid like sacrificing herself for any of you.

You were too caught up in your thoughts that you didn't see Jenny approaching before speaking to you, "You love her." Jenny said simply, shooting you a sympathetic smile as she slid down next to you.

You let out an emotionless laugh, "Is it that obvious?"

"I like to think I come a'customed to seeing those kinda feelings." She smiled, sparing a glance to Vastra who was in deep conversation with Strax.

You were about to respond before the Doctor came bursting through the door with Clara close behind him. He clapped his hands and hopped up on a slight step. "Okay so I have good news and bad news, which one first?"

You smiled and answered for the group. "Good news."

"Oh, okay, well... funny thing, there really is no good news."

Raising an eyebrow you sighed and answered again. "Right... Bad news then?"

"Yes, so, the bomb can only be detonated by hand and from in this room and the cybermen are closing in."

"Which means...?"

"Someone has to push this big red button - I love big red buttons-" He grinned before going straight back to being serious, "and, uh, well... boom." He rubbed his hands together and suddenly looked almost guilty as well as serious, if that was even possible for the Doctor.

"Brilliant. There you go, we're sorted! We can leave and save the world by just pressing that big red button." Clara, being the ever optimist, smiled and approached the button. You, having been carefully watching the Doctor, stepped forward to intercept her.

"So the person who presses the button...?" You asked slowly.

"Yes, well there is that. Once the big red button has been pressed then there won't be time to escape," He admitted as he raked his hand through his hair. "Before the... boom."

Everyone stayed silent as the information sunk in. You took a moment to look around the room. The Doctor couldn't do it, too important. How could you let Clara sacrifice herself? Vastra and Jenny were married and you weren't in any hurry to force them to split up and Strax was just an innocent bystander in this whole shebang. You sighed and stepped forward, clearing your throat.

"Doctor, you always hog the fun of pushing big red buttons." You smiled, looking straight at him and watching as he immediately realised what you were planning. "I think it might be my turn to have a go."

Jenny gasped lightly and shook her head, "Well, no, there must be-"

"Vastra, take Jenny back to the Tardis." You gave apologetic eyes to your new found friend who struggled against her wife's grip.

"No, Y/N, I-"

"As you wish." The lizard bowed her head to you in respect before walking briskly to the Tardis, Jenny's cries of frustration muffling as they left. Strax, looked up to you and gave you his formal goodbye, soldier to soldier before walking solemnly after his mistress. Clara watched them leave with a confused look on her face, having not caught on to what you were planning.

"What-?"

"Clara, you need to go." You held her shoulders making sure she was looking at you. "You need to go." You repeated, becoming more and more wary of the clanging footsteps approaching from behind you as the Cyberman upgrade date loomed closer. She licked her lips and nodded, preparing herself to leave.

"Wait, what about you?" She asked

"I can try and slow them down." You held your head high in order to convey confidence that you were severely lacking right about now. "No need for all of us to die." You turned away, facing the direction the Cybermen were walking from. You glanced at the bomb - a weapon that frightened you to no ends but you had made a promise and you were going to save the world.

The feeling of Clara grabbing your arm and turning you around made your heart skip a beat but you stayed steady, refusing to let her get hurt.

"I'm not letting you do this Y/L/N." She shook her head, preparing her own weapon and coming to stand next to you. 'Not on your own."

You looked desperately behind you to see the Doctor standing still. "We can all get out, don't be silly. All three of us." The Doctor put on a brave face, one you had seen plenty of times before.

After walking up to him and taking him to the side you whispered, looking back at Clara. "We can't Doctor and the longer we wait then the less time you'll have to escape." You lowered your voice even more, "You know the bomb can only be detonated from on the planet. Take Clara and run." You insisted on staying, not wanting to let anyone else risk themselves for the cause. The Doctor stayed still, just looking at you for a while before taking your head in his hands and kissing your forehead gently.

"Say hello to Amy for me." He smiled and blinked a few times as you saw his eyes get slightly glossy. That was the only emotion you got from him as he swiftly turned around, grabbing Clara's hands and walking out much to her protests. "Clara, let’s go!" He shouted, using his sonic screwdriver to open a door in front of him.

He paused before nodding his head in recognition of your sacrifice. You smiled in response, sending him a mock salute before positioning yourself by the bomb again and turning around. You could faintly hear the sonic screwdriver locking you in before you met your fate.

You gingerly looked over the small box with wires - an old machine that had rusted over with age. Gripping onto the edge of the table, you closed your eyes and held your breath, praying that the Doctor was correct in saying that the bomb would definitely work. You also quickly reminded yourself that if you didn't do this then the thousands upon millions of cyberman on the other side of the door would otherwise infest the world that you had come to grow with and love, along with your friends and family. You had seen what those monsters could do and you weren't prepared to ever see it happen again.

There was hesitation in your movements as you placed your shaky hand on the button. The clanks, noises and voices of the cybermen could be heard coming closer. You knew you had to give the Tardis as much time as you could before you pressed down, as they had to have time to escape but the threat was looming nearer and nearer.

You could feel a bead of sweat drip down your temple as thoughts of your family and friends started to flood your mind, events and adventures you had forgotten about were becoming fresh and brought tears to your eyes. The heat in the room was suffocating as the door began to creak and crack under the pressure of an army of metal and you knew it was time.

"Good luck." You whispered, just having to hope that the Tardis had escaped, as you put pressure down on the button and took one last breath.

------------

"She'll be alright, won't she?" Clara asked, the pair finally joining everyone else in the time machine. The comment made the Doctor stop abruptly so he was facing the controls. He ran his hands through his hair a few times leaving the group in silence.

"We need to leave before this place blows up." He mumbled almost incoherently as he flipped a few switches. Vastra took a deep breath and took place next to the Doctor. "i should have done something. I shouldn't let her do this."

"On the contrary Doctor. I believe you'll find that the fault of Y/N's actions should be sought elsewhere." She sent a pointed look towards Clara who frowned and advanced on her. The move caused Vastra to grasp the hilt of her swords and hiss slightly.

"What are you accusing me of?" Clara's brow furrowed and she took another step closer to Vastra who hissed again but louder.

"I think what my dearest means," Jenny stepped in, always acting as the pacifier when her wife lost touch with human emotions, "is that people do strange things in the name of love." She gave Vastra a pointed look, still sour about being dragged away before looking at Clara more carefully, knowing she was completely unaware of any feelings you may have had for her.

Clara's head snapped up at the word and her lips parted. "Love?" She shook her head, "No, Y/N never... She didn't..." Clara trailed off as everything clicked into place. "What's she done? Doctor?" She dashed towards the doors and tried to open them but too late as the Tardis powered up.

"It's too late, I'm sorry." He pulled down a final lever which sent the Tardis flying. The noise of a bomb drowned out any other words and left a deep silence for a long period after. The impact of the planet, and everything on it, being blown apart caused the Tardis to rock and everyone inside to stumble slightly.

And it wasn't Clara falling over that hurt the most but rather the pain of losing a friend, the pain of a sacrifice that she didn't even know was happening under her name. Clara could never speak to her, joke with her, laugh or sleep alongside her like she had many an adventure.

Y/N had died for Clara in the name of love.

[somethingclevermahogony]

Gonna double whammy you with the asks today - Is there a concept of fate in your world and how predestined are things? Sorry if this is a bit of a nebulous one lol

This is a bit of a complicated topic. Most cultures in Kobani do not have a concept of Fate in the sense of an entity or entities like the Fates of Germano-Norse myth that determine the path of a person's life. In the eyes of most cultures in Kobani, existence is built on cycles. The only true fate or pre-decided reality is that things will end and will be in turn either reborn or replaced. You are born and you die, that is fate. Matters of when and how, and what happens in between are typically the result of either your own actions or of some other entity divine or not, not some cosmic predestination. For this reason seers are explicitly not believed to see the future, but rather are believed to see paths and possibilities, not definite truth. The universe and the path of a life is shaped by tendencies and likelihoods, not entirely determined fate.

Of course there are some exceptions, the disciples of certain deities may believe that their lives are in some sense shaped and directed by their patron.

On perhaps a similar note, the Kishites in particular do not have a concept of "soulmates", the idea of your "perfect other" just existing out there, is quite a foreign concept. Ask a Kishite matron about the natter of soulmates and she will tell you, "The perfect house is built, not found."

Here is an excerpt, cuz why not

Istek seemed to read his expression and smiled. “It's true, I served the Temple of the Golden Poplar for years, that’s the story behind these.” He ran his fingers over his tattoos. “My father was sick at the time, but I believed that by serving the god faithfully that I could sustain him. And for sometime it seemed to work, until it didn’t. My father passed and I was lost and angry. I left the temple, because I was angry at the gods. I was angry that they let that happen.” “Are you still angry at them?” Narul asked. He thought of Suru. Had the gods allowed that? “No, no I’m not but the gods in my head are much different now. Look out there Narul, those are my gods. The sea and the sky, nature. I stopped believing that the things that happened to me were the result of some sort of divine hand. Fate isn’t nearly as clever or vindictive as people seem to think. My father didn’t die because the gods are cruel or because of some impiety on my part. My father died because he was sick and because that is what people do. They die. Even you will die someday. And say that I am wrong and that his passing was some intentional cruelty levelled against me by the gods, then they are fools, because that is what led me to finding the loves of my life.” He said all this with a smile, like a parent explaining the changing leaves to their child. “There has to be something more to it than that.” Narul muttered. “ Living and dying can’t just be pointless, there has to be some sort of meaning or purpose to it all. A reason why the gods made us…me, like this.” Istek shrugged. “Maybe there is more than one purpose that a person can have. From a grand sense maybe our purpose and our fate is simply to die, to be and then to not be. To feed into the cycle. I know that it's not very inspiring, it feels cheap, but think about it. Look at the sea and stars, and think about how tiny we are, Narul. How much can we truly matter when we look out at this big world? As a whole I think our purpose is ultimately to live and then to die.” “So what, is everything pointless then?” Narul could feel the anger rising in his chest. “No. Not even a little bit. We have meaning to other people. Is Ninma just a pointless thing to you?” “Of course not why…” “And Suru, is he?” “No…” “You see? There is meaning there. We mean something to other people. Suru had meaning to you, you had meaning to him. You will never understand the universe and the gods Narul, you may try all your long life, sages die and wither away trying. Don’t try to read fate, don’t torture yourself looking for some cosmic power. So maybe instead of trying to find purpose in the universe, you look for your purpose in others and yourself. My purpose is to be the person who loves my partners, to be a father, to be the big-headed captain shouting and jumping around the deck like a fool. That is my meaning Narul. Ask yourself what your meaning is, to yourself and to others. And ask the same about Suru, what does he mean to you?”

@mk-writes-stuff, @kaylinalexanderbooks, @willtheweaver, @patternwelded-quill

@elsie-writes, @elizaellwrites, @the-ellia-west, @the-golden-comet

@finickyfelix, @theprissythumbelina, @autism-purgatory, @diabolical-blue , @tildeathiwillwrite

@katenewmanwrites, @leahnardo-da-veggie, @paeliae-occasionally, @melpomene-grey

@drchenquill, @marlowethelibrarian, @winterandwords, @phoenixradiant, @pluttskutt

@dyrewrites, @unrepentantcheeseaddict, @roach-pizza, @rivenantiqnerd, @pluppsauthor

[speaker-of-the-void-cats]

Eclipse

Been working this theory for a while and I finally want to lay it out there now that the Final Shape launch is over; I think the relationship between the Witness and Veil may be some very clever narrative sleight of hand.

We know the Veil is the other side of the Traveler's coin, that they share a connection and that the Veil connects us all. It is a web of consciousness, of mind and memory. It's a big concept, but one that they've kind of kept their cards close to their chest about still. The Witness has instead been the focus, which has led a lot of the community to attribute many Darkness related mysteries to the Witness.

So here's my idea (and it's a long shot, just bear with me); what if the Witness is a very good and compelling red herring? We have references to the Veil way back to D1's files in Crota's End, where there is the Oversoul, a real concept closely associated with the idea of the Veil, which I believe (source?) does touch the Ascendant Plane. Oryx communed with the Deep via a ritual to summon it into an ogre, something much more akin to the Witness and Maya's rituals with the Veil than a simple encounter with the Witness. And remember, Xur told us that the Traveler has a dark mirror, long long ago.

The Veil name also appears in the files of Shadowkeep, which feels like a crucial moment in the current arc of Destiny. In Beyond, we finally enter the Lunar Pyramid and are spoken to by the Witness through our Ghosts. We reach a Dissenter statue (remember, these were created with the binding power of the Veil), and receive a resonant orb before being whisked to the Black Garden, where the Witness speaks to us. We later recieve Unveiling from that orb, which is how we are told the story of the Gardener and the Winnower.

We know from Osiris that the Veil whispers an electromagnetic language that resonates with our minds, but is indecipherable without an interface. I believe that orb is just one of many Veil Interfaces we've seen in the past, and that Unveiling was indeed written by the Veil, the Winnower. We also know that Egregore is something linked to the Veil, not the Witness. It festers where the Veil has touched, but is more elusive where it currently is operating.

What we see is the mushroom, the fruit of the fungus. The fungus itself is a vast mycorrhizal network of filaments growing and working unseen below the soil, often barely connected to the fruiting bodies we observe. Similarly, we have observed Ghosts—Hive Ghosts included—without understanding the nature of the unseen filaments that may guide us.

This is what I find so fascinating about the idea; Destiny's story has always been built on secrets, mysteries, and esotericism. The veil between life and death (or the material and immaterial world) is a very old idea, one that could easily be vaguely sketched out in preproduction as the "dark side of the Traveler" with the details left for much later. This could explain the early speculation/leaked plot details that "the Traveler is evil," simply a misunderstanding of a more complex idea that hasn't begun to be realized

But how do you make its presence felt while keeping it hidden? You connect it to everything on a core conceptual level, and then confuse and distract. You introduce a mysterious villain, and the concept of a different, harder to understand "villain", and allow them to be conflated. Both concepts remain elusive and uncertain for a bit until Witch Queen, the Witness is revealed, all while the person who hid the Veil teaches us about the Darkness. Immediately, this feels like the big picture. And so naturally, our theories pivot to center on the Witness, not realizing that it is not the pyramidion itself, but rather the first stone laid to support it. Then in Lightfall, we discover the Veil. So now we have two closely related concepts, a universal web of consciousness and the gestalt being that was created in an attempt to emulate the web. Like the Black Heart acting as static in the Traveler and Veil's connection, the Witness placed itself between the player and the Veil.

See who's robed as if a god, who stands with pride above the rest! Destroy this ancient nameless fraud! Destroy the one whose death was blessed!

Perhaps it even tried to take its place physically.

And now that the Witness is gone, we have Echoes, objects reminiscent of the Veil's color and kaleidescopic pattern, a result of the Darkness binding the Witness being released and intermingling with the Light of the Traveler— a mental force taking physical form.

[u.2:11] We live too long for regrets. You taught me that. Don’t forget the House of Light.

[u.1:12] If I can find the time, yes. Not all of us conjure Echoes.

[u.2:12] Reflections, Saint. I have no need for Echoes anymore.

[u.1:13] What do you mean? What’s the difference?

[u.2:13] One is a manifestation of Light. The other… reserved for Taken Kings. Better suited for traversing the Sundial because of what lies at its core.

[u.1:14] One day you’ll have to tell me exactly what you and the Guardian did to bring me back.

[u.2:14] We did what we had to. Trust me.

Eyes up, Guardians.

Hello again, my trenchant Dante. You have stepped in and out of sharp-edged worlds, hewn gods into blunt fractions, twinned yourself with powers whose names cannot even be held in the language of little gray cells. You think yourself very high up on the pyramid of contumely. If you only knew how high that pyramid goes. Higher than I knew when my radiant killer unsung me from biological squalor, or when I witnessed a royal secret turn death into a chrysalis. Higher than I described in my journals, or told to our mutual three-eyed friend. Higher than even I, sailor upon the Sea of Screams that I am, can yet see. Perhaps I will tell you about them. You are right to ask why I would do so. Very good, dear squanderer, your intentions have grown sharp as thrallteeth. You see, they know. What you are, what you were, what you will become. They know. What lean tithes you are to them. Soft whetstones make for dull blades. This I define as the truth and tension of the rope: to bind, one must apply force at both ends. I think perhaps I will tell you after all.

Hope you enjoyed this theory, even if it's a bit out there! Would love to hear your interpretations and thoughts, as I've been fascinated by the Veil and its place in this story since Lightfall (and Shadowkeep if this theory holds!)

[notmuchtoconceal]

A worthwhile introduction to Theosophy, and with it several key esoteric concepts from what seems to be a center-left position, considering the entanglements and projections related to the concerns of race science.

Truthfully, I have my doubts there ever could be an objective and verifiable model which delineates human prejudice from a social perspective, as we simply don't know enough about either the conscious or unconscious aspects of human psychology -- generally, or what may be specific to the psychic realities of different peoples -- to make those claims. As far as I can tell, any attempt to transmute our sensitivities into a science will inevitably tend to exclusivity and dogma. All we can really do is talk about our subjective understandings, of ourselves, and each other, and make the attempt to really listen and not simply regulate.

This is ultimately the logic behind the "refreshing" comment highlighted in the video that Theosophy is only racist, depending on your interests.

Truthfully, I've always found most liberal or left-leaning people fixated on race were classically doth protesting too much (much in the same way we know all homophobes are gay and most gay men are homophobes). Insincere over-performances which reveal secret shames, too frightful to be confronted and so can only be negotiated and projected.

It's more complicated than that, of course.

One can always talk in circles if one wishes to be insincere.

As long as any material organism is a scarcity-based, ultimately finite resource hog with an in-group preference built to avoid pain and seek pleasure, the reality of racial animus will always exist in some form, and you're better off learning to get comfortable with parts of yourself you find unsavory, as this is ultimately the only way to master them.

If this sounds like apologia, you may be an apologist.

What other things do you suspect the state ought regulate?

I don't need to judge you. You're already judging yourself.

When I judge you, it's refreshingly frank, like Charlemagne.

As a big, brutish redbeard indistinguishable from any other skinhead, I've always been tempted to put myself in the "white male" box so as to not look appropriative, but you see I was fooled -- this was how they got me to do the work of erasing my own ethnic heritage for them.

When the Germanic people talk about the zeitgeist, or Jung the collective unconscious, or one makes the claim that a culture has a "soul", or that people have "Gods" well these are branches from the same tree, and the tension isn't so much between one race and another, but between the collective will of a people and the individual wills therin.

If you humor the possibility that your blood may whisper, and you listen, you'd be shocked what it might have to tell you -- good and bad.

When he cites how the swastika (or manji, a classical solar symbol far from unique to the Nazis) was so widespread among so many cultures which had no contact with one another simply for it was a simple motif, he is absolutely correct. We are, of course, working from all the data.

Incidental shocking (and impossible to overlook) similarities between miscellaneous solar cults are similarly coincidental, such as the universality of a snake motif which represents the unification of dualistic forces (example: the Caduceus, left and right, or the Feathered Serpent, land and sky) or belly-laughs like names such as the Irish warrior hero Cú Chulainn and the Mayan wind and wisdom god K'uk'ulkan.

[themainspoon]

Just found out that I didn’t get into my Universities paid summer internship program, and I’m heartbroken. This would have let me work in the field I’m studying to be a part of, it would have let me get my name on an actual academic paper, it would have given me a ton of useful experience, and it would have allowed me to produce knowledge instead of simply receiving it (something I’ve wanted to do since the beginning of my first year). I have just missed a huge opportunity, and it feels terrible.

(Big long emotional self reflective post below. I don’t expect anybody to undergo the emotional labour of engaging with this post, this is mainly just me thinking out loud into/onto something. It isn’t really a rant or a vent, I’m not trying to blast my emotions at others so I can feel better, and I’m not just pointlessly rambling. However, this is all personal IRL stuff, you have no obligation to engage with it.)

Now I’m just kind of left with several months of nothing until the start of March next year. This also once again highlights one of my biggest personal issues, which is that the entirety of my self esteem is built upon my academic success. I do well, and in university I actually receive affirmation. My success actually gets noticed (unlike my experience in school), I have good relationships with my tutors and professors, and I seem to be well liked by most of them. I was directly told by my academic advisor that it will be tragic if I don’t continue onto a masters degree after completing my bachelors, and I’ve made it onto the deans merit list twice!

For the first time in my life I’ve felt like I have actual meaningful talent, like I have value. I’ve come to believe that I am actually intelligent! Back when I was younger if you asked me what my best qualities were I wouldn’t have been able to answer you. I was a neurodivergent kid who grew up in the world of the primary and secondary education system, who bounced between professionals and “professionals”, who lived under the control of the biomedical gaze, and who was only able to understand themself through the language of the medical discourses that defined me by my hardship and suffering. I grew up trapped within systems that only focused on what I couldn’t do.

And so when I found myself in a system in which what I COULD do was the focus. When I found myself not being defined by my inability, but instead affirmed for my ability, I began to develop an ego and some actual self esteem. However, the issue is that when your entire positive sense of self is built upon one thing, when that singular thing is challenged (as it just has been) it is not simply a piece of your positive self image that has been challenged, it is the entirety of your self worth that gets challenged.

I know I’m not stupid, I know the fact that I didn’t get selected doesn’t mean that I wasn’t good enough (just that somebody else was better suited for the position). But this still feels like failure, and the entirety of my self esteem rests on my lack of failure.

It reminds me with a discussion I had with my therapist in which we were talking about my self esteem, and she asked me what things I liked about myself. I told her that I like to think that I’m pretty smart, and that I do well in subjects that I care about. She accepted this, but then she threw me a curveball: “What else do you like about yourself? What else do you think you’re good at? What are the other pieces that form your positive self esteem?” I couldn’t answer her, I had nothing to say, because the answer was that there wasn’t anything else.

Right now I am experiencing the effects of building your entire self esteem upon a single factor. My advice? Don’t do that, because even the smallest challenge to that idea will deal significant emotional damage to you, and it feels like shit.

I don’t know what to do now, I feel like this should be a wakeup call for me to find other sources of self esteem, to find other ways to feel like I matter, to find other things I’m good at, to discover that I have value in other ways.

But I’ve spent the vast majority of my life feeling like I don’t, like I was an issue to be solved, being told to try harder, do better, work harder, I experienced life of never feeling like I was good enough. I know that everybody is supposed to have inherent value, and that I am supposedly good enough simply by being me, but on an emotional level I feel like I can’t accept that. It feels like toxic positivity bullshit, “love yourself!!1!” feels like unhelpful bullshit, because my self-love is conditional, and it always has been. How can I “love myself” when I have not earned my own love, when I do not deserve my own love? I am told to love myself, but I don’t, and I don’t want too.

Why would I?

I’ll be ok, I always end up being ok. It just fucking sucks to be reminded that you aren’t exactly a well adjusted person, and that you don’t know what to do about that.

[usagirotten]

Movie Review: The Wild Robot is moving, funny, entertaining and an audiovisual marvel

Animation in the film genre has been greatly devalued in recent years, the classic studio in this area has had serious problems in presenting interesting and original things that appeal to both insiders and outsiders. Over several decades, studios such as Sony Pictures, Universal, Warner Bros Animation, and some more that are independent have been in force thanks to having good adaptations of unusual stories that have innovated in the field of animation. With the arrival of CGI and the creation of Pixar, things changed radically, those artisanal frame-by-frame animation works remained as mere references of a golden age in which for months they gave life to those characters and presented them on the big screen in a masterful way.

With the arrival of platforms, the high budgets for this genre were becoming more and more moderate, reflected in their final products. Japan, for its part, has continued with its same theme and line of animation to this day, thus giving a good example that modern technological resources can be at the service of entertainment if they respect their own rules. In 2024, The Wild Robot comes again to rethink those above, based on the new series of novels written by Peter Brown and that the director and screenwriter Chris Sanders brings to the big screen to discover something completely different from what we have seen before.

What is the movie Wild Robot about?

ROZZUM unit 7134 or Roz (Lupita Nyong'o) is a robot that has been shipwrecked on a desert island and must learn to quickly adapt to the harsh environment, gradually forging relationships of friendship and protection with the local fauna and suddenly becoming the adoptive mother of an orphaned goose baby while the Universal Dynamics company is looking for her, Roz will realize that living away from everything and everyone will make her understand and value everything around her and will make her question her existence. After a period in which it seemed that there were no new things to tell, this film arrives that rethinks many things in the animation genre. Its story may seem simple and childish to us, but as its plot develops we learn and understand that this is more complicated and deeper than it might seem at first glance. Another animated film where they use moderate CGI with a friendly-looking robot that makes friends with the animals on an island uninhabited by humans and has to cope with its misfortune is not something that sounds exactly very original. However, if this cliché theme is given the right twist and meaning, things change and that is when there is a strange symmetry between a good story and good animation. A robot, a goose, and a fox, an idea that is not at all attractive at least for adults who look for something more in animated films and it is quite the opposite, what might seem like a stupid cliché is the premise of one of the best-animated films released so far in 2024, something that could well be defined as a work of audiovisual art, a plot that goes from action to being moving about adaptation, acceptance and the creation of a very unusual family that does not try to continue educating the public on current issues but only graphically presents some of the good values ​​that we as human beings can have.

The good work they have done is perceived from the beginning when we are introduced to ROZZUM 7134 (Lupita Nyong'o), later known simply as Roz, a shipwrecked robot that has been stranded on a remote island, a humanoid artifact built to be completely subservient to its programming and programmer who becomes a stranger in a strange place, the inhabitants in the environment are animals that are afraid and surprised by what they have just discovered, while Roz gets to know and learn from each one of them and in her desperation to complete a task programmed in her functions her purpose arrives unexpectedly in the form of an adorable goose named Brightbill (Kit Connor) thus assuming one more task to her programming, that of the maternal care and protection of this adorable creature. Although its narrative is slow and advances slowly, we can recreate ourselves in all that setting that has been taken care of down to the smallest details, the combination of the traditional with the digital has been a surprise, they say that this work can emulate without any problem or doubt what Hayao Miyazaki did, landscapes, forests, and environments like those we have seen in Sen to Chihiro no Kamikakushi (2001), Howl no Ugoku Shiro (2004) and very recently with Kimitachi wa Dō Ikiru ka (2023) are what recreate the adventures of this robot. The true beauty of The Wild Robot as a film is the exact combination of all its elements, demanding a different level of quality from itself. Its almost painterly style images are captivating, and its panoramic shots show a landscape with more texture and background in proportion to what we are seeing, which contrasts perfectly with Roz and her metallic appearance, which marks the difference between the natural and the technological. The adventure that Roz undertakes on this island takes her to meet some of the animals of this place, a fox named Fink (Pedro Pascal), a possum named Pinktail (Catherine O'Hara), a brown bear named Thorn (Mark Hamill) and a beaver named Paddler (Matt Berry), she quickly learns that nature is a place full of beauty and at the same time terrifying and a completely different place where there are no humans and she has no specific task to fulfill, as an adaptation of Peter Brown's book it is risky and brave to touch very openly but with subtlety and respect the subject of death something that used to be a subject that children's fiction has handled in different ways over the years, but that now seems forbidden in animation. Roz faces death when she accidentally falls into a nest, killing a mother goose and almost all of her eggs except one. This is where things begin to change in Roz's program. When the egg breaks, a chick is born, which Roz calls Brightbill (Kit Connor), who sees this creature without fear and as her mother. If things were different and the message of the tape were very different, then Brightbill as a newborn bird would not survive and the story would be different. The studios are making robots fashionable again, nothing has been as endearing as Iron Giant (1999) by director Brad Bird until now, it is clear to us that we are facing a moving film, with a concrete and clear message full of unexpected humor, with jokes and phrase games about how easy it is for animals to die in nature, this film defines perfectly well when a big-budget film project is made for profit and when it is made out of artistic passion as in this case, this already marks a before and after in contemporary animation and the modernity of our times. It is very plausible to see that all those involved put their heart into it, you can see and feel it and that is what matters to transmit to the viewer, a completely different experience that involves us from the first moment and makes us direct participants of what is happening, that plays with our emotions and captivates us candidly and sincerely leaving aside the stupidity of messages between the lines or poorly carried out or that it is just expensive and empty entertainment, especially in an era in which childishness feels more like a cynical resource to get money at the box office and not for telling a good story as it should, it is so well done in every sense that that is what allows us to connect with what is happening. Its message is very clear from the start, it is a film about mechanical beings, technology, and wild creatures but it is also a film about parents and children and the changes that can occur if we are aware that we can be something more, Roz learns the great difficulty and responsibility of being a mother and discovers that sometimes the best way to care for and raise children is to discard the "programming" that we thought would teach us to do so and this is a great direct criticism of today's society in which these advances harm us more than they help us, a message that sincerely conveys that everything you do is right as long as you have heart and conviction, adaptation to the environment and constant changes and overcoming the obstacles that come our way. The clearest message and where all its charm lies are in seeing the simplicity of life and all its beauty, that as human beings we have filled ourselves with unnecessary things, that we can have a good quality of life with very little less, of the complexity that we have as humans to overcomplicate things, a message that does not pretend to educate but to openly show what is happening and what can happen, at last we move away from stupid speeches about feminisms and consequences and poorly carried out hero's paths that only complicate and hinder the plots and stories that are made around this. Perhaps the only flaw it has is that it plays too much with the feelings and emotions of the viewer, the excess of this may or may not be good depending on each one's perspective, the director and writer of the same Chris Sanders knows perfectly well what he has in hand and takes it to the highest and unsurpassable point of the genre it occupies, this being an adaptation of a children's novel, let's hope that if there are other installments they will be of equal or greater visual quality than this one. The stunning design is paired perfectly well with the artistic talent needed to ensure that this film stands on its own and has its personality as a classic in its genre, Lupita Nyong'o, Pedro Pascal, Kit Connor, Bill Nighy, Stephanie Hsu, Catherine O'Hara, Matt Berry, Ving Rhames and Mark Hamill, each of these great actors manage to deliver on their role, Nyong'o is captivating in her performance, Pascal is delightfully cynical and witty, Connor adds excitement and adventure to the character, Hamill proves once again that he can be as versatile as he wants doing what he wants and what he loves most. The music composed by Kris Bowers is without a doubt another character that has the right and necessary pieces to frame each scene, each shot, making what we see audiovisually a whole experience that can transmit feelings to us, a work that competes effortlessly with others that pretend to be without being and without transmitting absolutely anything. In conclusion, we can ask ourselves at this point a question: is this the most original story ever brought to the cinema? The answer may not necessarily be, we are faced with a very honest and sincere work in itself, which gives us the message that we must have a purpose in life to be able to appreciate it as it is, with its good and wonderful things as well as the bad and how we will overcome that, this is without a doubt one of the greatest and most pleasant surprises that DreamWorks has given us in a very long time, something that is already a classic icon in animation that enriches and perfects the genre, let's hope that the studios have already understood what their mistakes have been and we can continue to see more films like this. Wild Robot is now available in movie theaters in your country. https://youtu.be/njPNg0A9VpY Read the full article

[upward]

Tl;dr

No. Don’t do this. Stop it. Seriously.

——

Even back in 2007 or so, my university’s English dept and womens studies dept were inextricably linked. I don’t think it was possible to pass through the English/writing without taking an intersecting course. Definitely isn’t now (good).

And believe me, as a Brit lit hater (sorry y’all personal preference) I was really good at intersecting courses that squeaked credit by.

So I landed in a womens studies course disguised as a writing class (disclaimer - lifechanging, countless aha moments, I owe this prof a note to say hi and thank them, career shaping … I just didn’t realize what I was taking at first).

It was simply called “Women Writers.”

At some point during the class, we got into a whole bit about literary vs commercial fiction. One of our classmates mentions the “M is for Murder” series. We’re all English majors, we’ve got hard ons for the BIG LIT names, I’ve got a fucking moby dick half sleeve, right?? And we just start trashing the genre.

The prof stops us —— furious. Dismisses us. Never seen them so angry. Our classmate is just kinda hanging her head and not looking at anyone.

We get an email a few days later. I wanted to jump to the whole “it wasn’t just me!!” defense. But it was “Women Writers” and that’s what this class was built for. To find people like me and make us uncomfortable and challenge us.

And to this day, I have yet to receive an email that contained such a well-deserved rebuke. I was wrong. Really fucking wrong.

It felt awful.

But in their email, the professor made it clear. You come back to class and you learn. You respect what other people are trying to learn and we talk about why. You are not superior to anyone based on the assigned market value of art.

We spent a lot of time talking about the social constructs of high and low art. Of womens work and perceived value. Of what causes harm and what doesn’t and how we can take more care in our criticisms and in our discussion. I learned a lot in college. But that experience is unmatched. It has shaped so goddamn much of my life.

To the OP:

1. Hit pause. Take a deep breath. Step down off that pedestal. All the way. Alllllll the way.

Optional: Remember where we came from. “We” meaning anyone who has ever opened a book. We open books to learn. To connect. To understand. To smile. To process. To experience something other. To imagine. To explore. To escape. When we look for them? You are talking to people who need something. And potentially talking to people who, for any number of reasons, have not opened a book in decades. But you are telling a not small number of them that they suck. Stop it.

2. If you haven’t*, point people to resources that can help them.

*maybe you have! I honestly dislike you enough already to not have looked deeper into your blog! But I hope I am wrong!

When working on my first draft, I was dying to find a book on austere medicine and crafting in remote/rural American communities. Guess what google was awful at finding?? Took a friend mentioning a series to me.

Optional: Imagine a moment you were busy. Or overwhelmed. Or starting something new. Or reliant on google (ugh). Remember those vulnerable moments? All you wanted was for someone who’d been there before to tell you where to go. Except instead there’s someone telling you how much you suck. And that what you were looking for is stupid. Stop it.

3. If this is a criticism of the current state of publishing … reframe this to remove onus on the reader and refocus your ire. Frustration with monopolization and other bs is understandable.

Optional: stop telling readers they suck, Jesus Christ go back to #2 and empower them to access non traditionally published texts/ebooks etc.

4. That front door display at the Big Box Bookstore with its colorful cover?

That’s still a book someone wrote. Still something someone poured time and creative energy into. Still a cover someone designed. A story people enjoyed or connected with. Still the first thing someone reads in 10 years. And then they read another … and another … and …

STOP IT.

OP, you have a lot to learn about creativity. A lot. An astounding amount. You are lacking a fundamental understanding of humans and what they make and what they do with what they make and access to art. Your criticism of how people find it and what they choose to consume and the channels in which they access it suggest an enormous blind spot you need to address. The art you choose to consume does not dictate the value of art as a whole.

To be clear: you do not get to tell someone they are bad or stupid or lesser than you because they enjoy writing that you don’t.

Next? You do not get to reduce someone’s creativity because it does not align with what you enjoy or because it is assigned a value on social media or a placement in a Big Box Store.

Who are you to determine what is good? What is worthy of being searched for? Being read? Being enjoyed? Being made? Being imagined? Being paid for?

Every day, I lead writers and designers whose job it is to make things that will appear in mass emails, on websites visited by thousands and thousands of people, in ads seen by millions. They pour their hearts into those. Then? They pour their hearts into their own writing and design work. They have given me ideas for my own work. They send me articles on weird ass birds for inspiration. They tell me about the novels they wrote in high school they want to publish one day. Some dream of the moment their book or their cover design might be in a front door display.

I dream with them.

Right now, my manuscript is scattered all over the bed in front of me. I’m writing it because I want to. I love the story. But I want others to read it too. Go on this wacky journey. And if it’s something good enough to make it to a display case*? If it connects with enough people for capitalism to decide my words (and the cover design someone invests their heart into) should get a spotlight* for a minute? Fuck it, I think that’s great*.

I could be angry for me, but I think of that prof and that email telling me to stow my shit because how dare I presume to think I was superior and make my classmate feel bad for what she liked?

I’m angry for every writer who takes this bullshit to heart. For every person who has bought one of those books and now feels bad when they see it on their bookshelf. For every writer and designer who wants that. Or who thinks their initial stabs at a story or fanfic aren’t worth it because people like you are assholes about it.

Sure. This is a stupid throwaway post on tumblr. But to anyone who reaches this post? Don’t do this.

Don’t. Do. This.

I wish I had the fire of that professor. Put the fear of god in me and lord knows I ain’t a believer.

Don’t do this and dear god don’t listen to it.

Go back to the posts that tell writers to write whatever inspires them. To continue those 500k word fanfics or stop worrying “if it’s been done before.” Or encouraging people to read and comment and reblog with feedback.

Someone out there (me, I promise, me! Crime, ya, island of the blue dolphins, fantasy, sci fi, the expanse series, the cat who smelled cheese, romance even though I couldn’t finish outlander im sorry, urban fantasy, speculative fiction, mystery, I found value in oft-vilified Colleen Hoover’s characterization in Verity, I could spend hours describing all the things I will read, seriously try me) WANTS to read what you’re writing. I promise! My mom churned though a thriller a week. I follow in her footsteps. I learn from everything I read. Discover something to love.

Ok but what if you are the person looking for a book like in OPs post?

1. Buy the book in the front door display if you think you’d enjoy it. Buy it. Enjoy the cover art if that’s what drew you in (if I had a dollar …). But seriously, get the book. Read it. Go look for more like it! Join Goodreads.

2. There ARE lots of exceptional books that don’t make it to those displays and lots of better people on tumblr and elsewhere can help you find them without being jerks. Please don’t be afraid to ask. Ask me first if you want. I would love to help you. Probably find a good next read while I do!!

So. Here we are.

I keep picturing the person in my class, head hung because after work, she liked to binge themed mystery novels. My cheeks still burn when I think about it. I wish I could tell her about the collection of mass market paperbacks on my shelf that I keep because the story is a good time even if the writing is subpar. I remember my mom finishing them on long drives or late at night and tossing them to me, saying things like, “this twist was better but the characters are a snooze and the daughter is a pissant like you.” No matter how much she took me to the library, she couldn’t keep up with my need to open a book.

The first one I stole from her purse was Silence of the Lambs. It remains one of my favorite books of all time, alongside Moby-Dick, Cider House Rules, the Hyperion Cantos and Expanse series, and anything Jeanette Winterson writes (thank you Women Writers.)

I’ve been trying to figure out what to do with those paperbacks as I run out of bookshelf space. Those cheap thrills from the front door display. The cover probably caught my mom’s attention. They’re sandwiched between Hemingway and Faulkner and one shares a shelf with a lot of Michael Crichton and like 10 copies of the same Dan Simmons books.

I’m gonna keep them. And I’m gonna think about this a lot. And I hope it helps someone somewhere who might otherwise hang their head or not write what they might want to.

“there are no books about….” yes there are. you’re bad at finding books.

[000life-is-meaningless000]

Warning : Long ! ! !

I thought I wanted to get back to my planet

Every time I tell people the truth that, I'm not human being and then I'm actually an alien hybrid I'm just a really high quality looking humanoid they would just hear the words schizophrenic over and over again.

But, I'm at the point where I don't need to Care Any More, not that I don't think I don't need to care I know I don't need to care anymore cuz all the things that this life force me to see despite it was despite all the shit I want to is extremely extremely painful

love, happiness, Spirituality all the more wonderful things that make up reality and Existence

I always talk about going back to Fairyland and Fairyland is not code, if not slang, it's not even a fucking metaphor it's quite literally I come from Fairyland and Fairyland is Hive world.

I explained in grandiose detail what my world is like when people read my Shit of the internet they see either someone's doing a lot of drugs or they see mental illness un hinged.

I'm not a fucking liar, I'm not bullshiting, I'm an alien hybrid at a many other alien hybrid and our souls are completely an absolutely not fucking human.

We were made by the Gray's,

the only thing I just wanted to say is I don't think this lifetime despite they forced me into this through necromancy not bringing a ghost back of the old dead body bringing a ghost into a new body they don't fucking want, and then put your microchip into their fucking brain an implant.

Either Way, I thought the Goddamn point.

.  .  .  .  .  .  .

This life has showed me that all is nothing, This life has given me ultimate dark wisdom ultimate dark forbidden knowledge, you can call it nihilism, I call it seeing clearly.

I know that there is deities and shit I know about the Divine realm that paranormal and all things spiritual and I don't care.

I can understand that they're all shit.

all of them are pieces of shit's.

Nothing in existence fucking matters.

Honest to God I don't even think I want to go back to Fairyland anymore.

I don't even think I want to see our divine Mother Titania.

I don't think, I want anything back anymore.

A big part of me wondering if I even want to see my people again ?

if I've gone through all this shit God damn I wonder what the hell they've gone through ?

All, I want to do is just die.

All I want to do is go back to the void to which I came, Alone.

All I want to do is rest in peace if I can even rest and if I can even find any God damn peace.

this life is giving me the ultimate truth the truth so hard and so great I'm able to see so clearly he'll just help everything that nothingness.

I can see how hollow everything is empty everything is shitty everything is bad everything is I can see how fucked up the gods and goddesses really are and see what a worthless pile of fucking shit that universe is I understand happiness is a fucking illusion  & so with love.

I understand any positive feelings we have for anything is deep confusion.

I can see if I can see the evil that makes up the world makes up the universe makes up every creature out there and everything in existence.

I see clearly where others can simply cannot other people are blind to the Dark Truth of reality but I can see all that is evil and all the darkness and all the falsehoods and I can see how the whole universe of all life is built off, Pure Evil.

( Life is Just, Like The Great Universe, it's Nothing But Darkness ! )

I can see all the fools that say life comes from the light but these dumb fucks don't even study Life they don't understand that life actually comes from the Dark Side.

if they even understood why for a fucking second they would understand just how overwhelmingly Pure Evil and dark life is look at the animal world look at the aliens look at the world you live in the humans and how fucked up it is it's impossible not to love life or live in life without being a Demon.

Darkness & life go hand in hand for a fucking Reason.

and just like materialism all things are Simple, Hollow at the end, and a void of Meaning and Purpose.

to the point where I understand that purpose is not needed, maybe we should not be hunting for a purpose looking for a purpose and wondering what's our purpose. maybe we don't need to care for the purpose maybe purpose is just fiction ?

if whenever somebody has a fucking purpose all they really do is get a distraction they can feel Good about.

life is fucking meaningless and I don't want to go back to Fairyland.

I don't want to see your damn fucking Goddess that fucked up and got us in this goddamn world to begin with and yes she fucked up it wasn't supposed to happen.

I don't want to see my people ever again.

the other insectoid the other fairies I don't want to see them ever again.

I Don't want to be with my people.

I just want to die.

and I can't.

I know this next part is going to seem completely absolutely super schizophrenic.

but my psyche is complete is constantly monitored by the Grays and I can feel them 24/7, my mind is constantly psychic monitored in my mind and soul are stuck in a psychic prison within this fucking body.

I literally have ESP chains on me like a certain Super Evil fucked up thing on this planet during 1619 ( Year ) a certain cotton field I don't want to talk too much about.

I literally have psychic chains of slavery they literally enslaved me in his body through psychic chains and psychic bonds and a whole bunch of psychic shit.

mainly it's still my soul in this body like a normal person being alive but, I'm not allowed to commit suicide.

if I threaten their Agenda, at all, of my emotions, they were literally they will literally make a drain and make a vamp my feelings and my thoughts out of me like a dementor that scene from Harry Potter and the mentor try to suck Harry Potter's soul out.

They 👽👽👽 will literally psychically vamp my soul, it feels like a hurricane sucking on my soul.

and they will also muddle my thoughts and fight my thoughts of suicide and if I try to fight them and go along with it it doesn't fucking work because they can literally overpower my brain and control me like a damn robot they want to.

and then they really vamped the shit in me almost like they're almost like they're hitting me what ESP Blast or Esp Bolt's, that they're kind of ripping my psychic apart to where they won't let me do it.

They're literally won't I will physically can't commit suicide because of them, 👽👽👽

They literally have psychically enslaved my mind and it's been that way my entire life.

so anybody worried about me committing suicide don't be

Cuz, I'm not allowed to commit suicide unless they fail the agenda and the agenda is a conquer the Earth and wipe out Humanity and turn the planet into our old Planet while they 👽👽👽 try to get a war started on the Earth where it's literally a real alien invasion War.

Again, I know all this stuff sounds like schizophrenic, but I'm being fucking honest.

[dearaliya]

The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes:

Dear Aliya,

How do I pronounce your name? How do I pronounce anyone's?

We've joked before that a guide to character names would benefit everyone and I can think of no truer time than with this book. Within my own head, vague sounds work perfectly so I have to ask, don't ever make me dramatically read this book out loud.

Luckily, audiobooks exist for those nights I just can't bear to look at a bunch of letters and attempt to string them together. Not that this one was phenomenal. Some lines sounded like they were recorded with a completely different set-up than the original and not for dramatic effect.

But I've discussed this in a different post so let's move on into more spoilery territory.

I am such a fan of this book! Juggling as many characters as it did, I was pleased that none of them felt simply tacked on for a shock and horror death. Of course, the tributes from the districts were always destined to be killed off, but the mentors biting it too I didn't see coming!

Speaking of the mentors, my sweet Sejanus, holds the place in my heart reserved for favourite characters. It was easy for him to walk right in, given he seemed the only one with a moral compass. Well, him and Tigris who was also a darling.

But my oh my, most fascinating character award goes to Coriolanus Snow, for sure! Of course, we were directly in his head listening to his thoughts on everyone and everything so it's only natural he was so interesting. He's everything I thought he would be, knowing who he later becomes in the series, and yet so much more! Is it any wonder he was so twisted given the system he found himself raised in? I don't think our poor Lucy Gray had a sliver of a chance of saving him.

Anyone who watched the movie without the book has missed a lot of his character, which is a shame. He showed traits of empathy and understanding towards the atrocities of the games in the beginning and when seeing tributes he'd interacted with a few times dying. Alongside seeing his slow progression into his worst possible form, you do also miss some of his funniest moments. Some of the snide comments truly knocked me out, he had no right to be outrageously funny in times of turmoil. He's two-faced and controlling, deserving of his snake title and it's great to see just how hard he fools all the other characters into believing every detail about himself that he feeds them. Snow is pressured from the very beginning to prolong the dynasty built by his family, he will claw and fight and kill anyone he needs to to make that happen. Sejanus was an unfortunate casualty, there was a kernel of goodness in Snow that wanted him to live, but anything good in Snow died when Sejanus did.

Lucy Gray Baird was another matter entirely.

District 12 was mentioned to have two victors allllllll the way at the beginning of the original trilogy, but she was never mentioned by name. I won't say she was always planned, but I do think hints of her were destined to be put to page after everything we went through with Katniss. She's the most excellent parallel and opposite to Katniss, the blueprint and catalyst to everything.

From Capitol fashion likely being inspired by her brightness and colour to the songs that trickled down through generations so they could be used in defiance once more, Lucy Gray Baird is woven through the fabric of the Hunger Games universe from beginning to end. It's thrilling to pull all the little connections together and see the big picture.

Now, for the event itself, the Hunger Games.

What a departure from the 75th Games and thereafter!

The idea that the games were so small, hardly watched to begin with, enforces that they were honestly just meant to prove what Gaul wanted to prove. Humans are naturally violent, as seen time and again when innocent district children become killers. A punishment indeed, to never forget the atrocities of war. Only later, when Gaul saw they were becoming ineffective because people weren't watching them, did the spectacle begin to ramp up into what was seen so many years down the line.

And of course later, when they really did become a means of control and power over the district.

Sooooooo...

How bad do you think Snow shit himself when, after maintaining a perfect grip on the districts from the age of 18, another girl from 12 started singing the songs of his old flame from his two-month situationship while wearing a mockingjay pin and replicating her mannerisms? I'm positively gleeful with the idea that Lucy Gray, if she was alive during the end of Mockingjay, was sitting back knowing Snow was as freaked out as he was in the woods.

If not worse.

Nothing more comes to mind, so I appreciate you listening to my thoughts. I’ll see you next time, stay well!

Hannah xx

[as-if-and-only-if]

Ok, I get why people are voting for the additive inverse of the multiplicative unit—it’s pretty foundational—but I need you to understand how cool the monster group is, and how unusual it is for it to be so big.

Basically, mathematical structures called groups are the kinds of structures that encode symmetries. Any kind of symmetry—groups are defined abstractly enough to capture them all (spatial, permutational, etc.)

Each element of a group is a particular symmetry operation, and the number of elements of a group is its order. The group of symmetries of an equilateral triangle under rotations, for example, has order 3: rotate by 0°, rotate by 120°, or rotate by 240°.

Ok, so here’s where the real story starts. Every finite group—that is, group with finite order—can be “built” out of smaller groups called simple groups, kind of like every number is a product of primes. Unlike primes, though, these building blocks of groups have a systematic pattern to them. All simple groups follow this pattern…except for a few mysterious exceptions. These simple groups that don’t fit the pattern are called sporadic. And there are exactly 26 of them.

Five of these (the Mathieu groups) were discovered in the 1860s, then mathematicians took a little break, and then set about figuring out the rest between 1965 and 1975. (We now know that we’ve found them all.) A bunch of them are contained in other ones in certain ways.

Notice the one labeled M at the top that contains most of the other ones?

That’s the Monster. And it’s huge—by far the biggest of the sporadic groups. Its order is *deep breath*

808,017,424,794,512,875,886,459,904,961,710,757,005,754,368,000,000,000

≈ 8×10^53.

Keep in mind that the ratio between the diameter of a single hydrogen atom and the diameter of the entire observable universe is about 10^37 if we round up. That’s way less than the order of the monster group. (Even using the incredibly-smaller proton diameters in place of hydrogen atoms only gets you to 10^42 or so.)

So, to sum up what we’ve seen so far. The structure of symmetry itself has building blocks that follow neat patterns—barring exactly 26 exceptions, including one that’s just…unimaginably huge.

But you might be thinking: if these are symmetry structures, what does the monster group capture the symmetries of? I’m glad you asked!

The monster can be constructed as symmetries of a 196,883-dimensional algebra. But this isn’t just some random thing you can do, and I’m not mentioning this number for no reason.

There’s an extremely special function in complex analysis and number theory called the j-function. The j-function has many important properties, but here’s one: most of the deep results in number theory have to do with a class of functions called modular functions, and any one of those can be written in terms of the j-function. Here’s a pretty graph of j on the upper half plane.

The interesting thing is that you can write this function as an expansion in powers of a certain variable with coefficients. Notice anything?

…It’s close, but not exactly the same, right? 196883 + 1 = 196884. How weird!

This connection between the monster and complex analysis/number theory was noticed by Conway and Norton, and dubbed “monstrous moonshine”—“moonshine” as a turn of phrase in reference to illegally-distilled alcohol, because it makes you feel like you’ve drunk some. I mean, it’s crazy! Why would these two totally separate things be connected? And what was the connection? What did it all mean?

Anyway, mathematicians being mathematicians, they got t-shirts printed that simply read “196,883 + 1 = 196,884”, and iykyk. (And if you didn’t, hopefully you’d ask the t-shirt wearer, and they’d get the chance to tell you aaaall about it.)

It turns out the other coefficients in the expansion are connected to the monster, as well. In particular, these are related to the dimensions of particularly nice sorts of representations of the monster. (A representation of a group is essentially “a thing the group captures the symmetries of”, or more precisely, the way it captures those symmetries.)

I fudged a bit when I said the monster was constructed as symmetries of a 196,883-dimensional algebra. The algebra actually had dimension 196,884 ! It contained two representations of the monster in it: a trivial 1-dimensional representation, and an irreducible 196,883-dimensional one. This is the Griess algebra.

There’s even more to this story—in particular how the monster actually arises as the automorphisms of an infinite-dimensional thing called a vertex operator algebra (the “moonshine module”). (The Griess algebra can be found in here, too.) It also has deep connections to string theory, and there are many pieces of the puzzle we’re still understanding.

But I think that’s enough for a tumblr post. I’ll finish with this quote from the Wikipedia page for the monster group quoting Conway and Norton, who published the seminal paper on moonshine.

Conway said of the monster group: "There's never been any kind of explanation of why it's there, and it's obviously not there just by coincidence. It's got too many intriguing properties for it all to be just an accident."

Simon P. Norton, an expert on the properties of the monster group, is quoted as saying, "I can explain what Monstrous Moonshine is in one sentence, it is the voice of God."

It really has that effect on people.

For further reading, here’s a paper I found that seems like a nice read for someone with a bit of a mathematical background! There are many other things to read, like Conway and Norton’s original paper on moonshine, or the textbook Vertex Operator Algebras and the Monster, by Frenkel, Lepowsky, and Meurman if you’re interested in the moonshine module—among many popular sources!

Number Tournament: NEGATIVE ONE vs THE ORDER OF THE MONSTER GROUP

[link to all polls]

-1 (negative one)

seed: 33 (15 nominations)

previous opponent: omega

class: negative unit

definition: less than nothing, but only slightly

|M| (the order of the Monster group)

seed: 49 (9 nominations)

previous opponent: [final vote count]

class: group theory

definition: the incomprehensible answer to an extremely foundational question

[atwas-gaming]

Finally finished Axiom Verge 2. Man, that in-an-out of The Breach game mechanic was confusing. Spoilers ahead, and be warned: these are only initial reactions. I could be wrong about everything I'm about to say. I need time to fully analyze all the notes and dialogue.

So, uh... wow. Is Indra who I think she is???

Neither of these is mine.

She's looking for a Patternmind to be able to get back into the Breach, she wanted to change her name, she loves Shakespeare, and the game started with Indra drowning, which Ophelia from Hamlet is famous for (suicide by drowning, that is).

The question I still had was, how did she get so BIG? She was still only as tall as a normal human, but the Rusalki are HUGE. Then I remembered the faceless Rusalka we saw in The Emergence:

So, maybe Drushka or Damu or both of them together put Indra into this thing.

But more importantly, I'm questioning everything that Ophelia told Trace even more (although I was already skeptical). Ophelia said she used a Scry to find Trace so he could stop Athetos. But what they actually did was to build a pre-Athetos version of Trace from the nanogates left behind in the first rebirth chamber that Trace used on his first visit to Sudra.

This is how Ophelia knew about the Scry. But she didn't need to use the Scry to find Trace and use him, they already had him. They built him from the nanogates:

My understanding from all this is that Ophelia was going to go into the Breach with the Scry to get Trace, but Katrahaska stopped her. Ophelia killed Katrashaska, took the nanogates, and used them to build Trace with a rebirth chamber.

So what Ophelia told trace about the Scry and going into the Breach was half the truth. The other half is that it didn't work. Ophelia said they "extracted" Trace from the Breach. Well... they did "extract" him, in a way, but not from The Breach, just from pre-Athetos DNA.

So, even though Ophelia may be the least manipulative of the Rusalki, she's still not to be trusted. Not too surprising, when you know the kind of character that Indra was. But then again, perhaps Ophelia simply can't say too much with the other Rusalki listening. After all, none of them know who or what she really is or where she came from, and it's clear that Veruska thirsts for an opportunity to destroy her.

One thing's for certain: in the AV1 note "The Outsider," they mention "Drushka's obvious interest in her." Indra went to Drushka for help to get into The Breach. I'd thought "The Outsider" was referring to Elsenova, because she's manipulative, and both Veruska and Ophelia don't seem to fully trust her. But... no. "The Outsider" was actually Ophelia.

I'm going to have to analyze the notes in both games and see what's really going on, not just about Ophelia. For instance, Trace left a note in Eridu that he was going to go "upstream, to the Filter or beyond"- well, we found the Filter in AV2, and Hammond and Samara "beyond" the Filter, although we couldn't get to them. Trace went "beyond" that, then?

And I still have no clue how Trace- the original Trace, the one that turned into Athetos- went from wanting to protect the universe, just as Hammond and Indra have tried, to the monster Athetos who mass-murdered an entire race to get to the source. I know the notes say he wanted to find the "root," but to murder an entire world? But if he wanted to go "beyond" the filter, then he was looking for a way to get to that place where Hammond and Samara were locked away. I still see no excuse for mass genocide; but at the same time, I have trouble believing that he was a power- and knowledge-thirsty beast who would kill anyone who got in his way. Athetos himself told Trace that he could only provide a portion of his reasoning, or the Rusalki would kill Trace, too.

I do know this much, tho: I need AV3, stat!

[fuckinorangecat]

Today was a good day.

11/09/2023

I'm contracted to teach at three different schools. My base high school, an extension school of the base school situated in the mountains and an agricultural one. Today I visited my extension school. The bus was a 45 minute journey from my base school, costing 790 yen (yeowch). I had some preconceptions about this school - I simply thought it was a school for students too rural to commute to the base school but I noticed a few of them on the bus. They got on at the town's main station which confused me. I thought "Why not just go to the base school"? Although I don't know the historical reason as to why it was actually established, it's now become a safe space for those unable to fit into the base school. It definitely gives me mixed feelings, I'm both delighted for the students to have their own space to thrive but heartbroken to find out that some of them went there because they were bullied. I guess without truly knowing the language, I haven't actually gotten a clue as to what or how anyone communicates in Japanese. But ignoring all the sad shit, the kids were absolutely wonderful. They were kind, welcoming and happy. I've only met them today but I want to try my absolute hardest for these kids. At the very least I want to show them that there are kind people all over the world, maybe they'll want to study more English if I can make them properly trust and talk to me. The classes are extremely small, second years only has two students, third year about four but today three of them were absent so I literally taught one to one. It's so strange to me that this is their reality but I'm so open to it. Due to the size of the classes/years the students all mingle together. We had sports day rehearsals today and everyone could talk to each other. There was a really quiet student who was the spitting image of a bookworm archetype. Hair that covered most of the face, facemask and a meek voice. She struggled with her volume, but no matter what she still tried to engage with me and speak English. I'm so proud of her. Everyone I called out to her to respond, every other student respected her too. No pressuring comments like "c'mon A-chan", just patience. After teaching all my classes we had lunch together which was so nice, I couldn't understand a word of Japanese but they laughed just as they always have. The history and P.E teacher joined us too. Oh yeah, it was a student that took the initiative to invite me for lunch too. Thank you so much H-chan! Oh yeah, an interesting thing about this school is that there are 4th year students. The Japanese structure for highschool only goes up to three years normally but there are some kids who obviously need more support. I met a student that graduated last year and she still visits everyone despite studying in University in the neighbouring prefecture. It really does emphasise how tightknit everyone is, in a school built in the middle of nowhere. I had this one student in particularly who was really into anime, he was so shocked to find out anime was popular overseas. He kept naming animes to see if I know or watched it and was in total awe at the amount I knew. We spoke about anime for a good hour after school finished, we also went on the same bus home so at the he took out his phone and recommended me some animes. I can't wait to study more Japanese so we can have a proper conversation. My heart feels so warm after today. I can't make it for their sports day this saturday because I'm in Osaka but I promised them all I'd bring back gifts!

I've been here for just over a month and I've only taught two lessons but I can't emphasise enough how unbelievably grateful I am for the JET Programme and the experience it's given me. The people are wonderful here in the countryside. The world really is big and I want to do everything I can here before moving to another country.

Anyway, that's enough for today. Thanks for reading.

Goodnight.

[myaheartsmarkie]

addicted — chapter one

“you’re mine—all mine. nobody fucking else’s, you hear me?”

word count: 12.7k

genre: eventual smut, long ass plot, slowburn!, college/university au!, friends w benefits!, crude/crack humor!, student athletes! jeno + yn, baseball captain! jeno, volleyball player! yn, possesive! jeno.

synopsis: he had completely convinced his self that you were no more than a quick fuck. someone he called at 3am when he was hard, a booty call…nothing more. all that went out the window when he sees you out with another man.

playlist: deja vu by twenty88 (literally my main inspo for this chapter,,,chef's kiss!!) trust issues by drake, let me love you by ariana grande (ft. lil wayne), too much by loco (ft. dean), that's why i love you by sir (ft. sabrina claudio), think by reddy (ft. jay park), let me explain by bryson tiller, no love by summer walker (ft. sza), beware by big sean (ft. jhene aiko), can't get over you by joji. ( y'all...some of these songs i gate keep from my irl friends,,,do cherish my babies > < )

warning(s): 18+ only please!! heavy dialogue, possible errors bcs im not revising this shit, so. much. sexual. tension. jaehyun, sungchan, kevin, and eric (tbz) supporting roles!!, jae tries to keep yn out of trouble, kev encourages her to do stupid shit, some alcohol consumption, mentions of drugs, mild smut, public sex (jeno gives yn head in the locker room), mentions of alcohol, (lowk) toxic! jeno, slight size kink! (jeno is built af yall,,,whew!) ,,,lmk if i missed anything!

note from mya: hey guys,,,the wait is over!! she's here, slay <3 . if u didn't notice above, this is in fact a part one, a lot of people were on my ass about my other two one shots (mark + yuta fic) so i was like lemme split the next one up and give y'all a proper ending lolz. so this series isn't gonna be long at all — maybe like 2 or 3 chapters. like stated above !! minors !! do !! not !! interact !! please please please! if ur not a minor, thank you & enjoy. once again, everyone in the story is 21+ (idols are their real ages). heavy on this part, jeno is a bit toxic in this story, and it is not my intention to sexual this toxic behavior at all! as always, this is a work of fiction, i do not view him like this in real life. this is fake! likes, feedback, and reblogs are very very very much appreciated <3 . lmk if you guys wanna be added to my taglist here, enjoy !

© myaheartsmarkie 2022 — all rights reserved !

—

“but it’s so cute!!” you exclaimed.

jaehyun rolls his eyes, taking the cat from your arms. you pout but allow him to take the kitten away from your grasp. he places the small kitty back into the playpen as he shoots the older lady a small smile.

“you’re not gonna get him?” she asks, looking between the both of you.

jaehyun shakes his head no, grabbing your hand and dragging you away.

“you know we can’t keep a pet yn” jaehyun tells you and you sigh in response.

pulling your hand from his hold to fold them over your chest. you know he’s right, but it didn’t stop you from wanting one. you’re a student athlete, between homework, practice, games, and work you have no time to take care of a pet. with a huff, you reluctantly follow the taller boy into your shared apartment.

“i still wanted him though, he was so cute” you whine, throwing yourself face first onto the couch.

kevin eyed your position, looking at jaehyun for an answer.

“some lady is giving away her cat’s litter downstairs–she wants one” he informs his friend.

kevin nods in understanding, scooting closer to where you’re laid. he brings a hand up to your head, petting it lightly. you look up with an annoyed expression but it changes when you realize it’s kevin and not jaehyun. you flip over so your head lays on his lap, earning a small laugh from him. jaehyun is leaning against the wall, watching the both of you.

“jaehyun’s a traitor” you told kevin, pointing your index finger towards the brown haired boy.

jaehyun simply laughs, shrugging his shoulders.

“is he?” kevin asks, running a hand through your hair.

“mhm, we should kick him out” you suggest, crossing your arms.

jaehyun feigns shock, exaggeratedly gasping as he pushes himself off of the wall to go grab a drink from the fridge.

“if you kick me out, who’s gonna cook?” he snickers.

kevin covers his mouth as a snort escapes. you glare at him.

“fuck you, i don’t need you to cook for me” you huff angrily.

you know you’re lying, you can’t even make toast correctly. your pride was more important though!! plus, jae had already been right about the whole pet situation. he doesn’t need another ego boost.

“oh okay, so you can cook food all on your own now?” jae asks, taking a swig of his water.

you let your pride answer.

“yup, i don’t need you” you tell him, standing up to walk to your room.

jaehyun simply nods in response.

“don’t come begging me to make you something when you're hungry” he shouts just before you close your door.

you throw yourself onto your bed. way to go yn, you can’t admit your cooking is horrible now you’re gonna starve for life. you sigh into your pillows.

—

jaehyun and kevin are sat at the kitchen table when you wake up the next morning. kevin spots you first, sending a smile your way.

“how’d you sleep?” he asks, patting the seat next to his own.

you inch towards him but you’re looking at jaehyun. he’s being…weird. you sat down next to the taller boy, picking up his cup of orange juice. welcoming yourself to a few sips of his drink before you sit it back down.

“i slept well, what about you?” he nods, ruffling your already messy hair.

“do you work today?” he asks, taking a bite of the pancake on his plate.

you nod in response. peeking from around him to eye jaehyun. he has to know what you’re thinking right now. as if on cue he looks up at you, and you scowl. he laughs in response.

“you hungry?” he asks, tauntingly waving a piece of his food.

your scowl deepens at his actions. crossing your arms over your chest you turn away from him.

“come on, just say you need me and i’ll make you whatever you want” he tells you.

your interest is now piqued. you slowly turn back to the brown headed boy, eyeing him suspiciously.

“what’s the catch?” you ask, and he shakes his head.

“no catch, just say you need me” he answers, and you look up at kevin.

he shrugs his shoulders.

“fine, i need you” you mumble, looking down at your lap.

“sorry, what was that? i couldn’t hear you” jae says, standing from his seat.

you grumble.

“i said i need you,” you repeat yourself, a bit louder this time.

“good girl” he teases, pinching your cheek.

you push him away with an annoyed huff, he simply laughs.

“you want french toast?” he asks and you nod happily.

you watch excitedly as he cooks your breakfast, all the past annoyance leaving your system. you eye him intently as he whisks the eggs in the clear bowl and seasons it with cinnamon and vanilla extract. he dunks the piece of bread in the egg batter, coating both sides before he sits it in the frying pan. your head rests on the palms of your open hands, elbows atop the counter next to the stove. jaehyun looks over at you, poking your cheek. usually you’d do something about it but right now you’re too overjoyed to mind.

“cheesy ass grin” he says, laughing at your expression.

“what, french toast is good” you say, moving closer to watch him flip it over.

jaehyun doesn’t respond, he simply nudges you with his body.

“hey yn,” kevin calls, you turn around to face him.

“didn’t you used to fuck with jeno?” he asks, and you tilt your head in response.

“jeno? like, lee jeno?” you ask to make sure you heard correctly.

kevin nods in response, waving you over with his hand. you walk over to where he’s sat, sliding into the empty seat next to him. he turns the phone over to you and you look at the screen. you see jeno, he looks the same for the most part. he changed his hair color and you think he might be slightly bigger in the bicep area as well.

he’s sporting a sleeveless white shirt, a red cup in his left hand. your eyes trail to the other figure in the picture, it’s a girl. she’s dressed in a skimpy red dress. a familiar one at that..

your eyebrows crinkle as you look harder at the dress. where’ve you seen this dress before? your eyes move upwards towards the face of the girl jeno is holding and your eyes practically pop out of the sockets.

“i-is that jieun?!” you gape, looking at kevin for assurance.

“i think so..” he says slowly, locking the screen.

your mouth stays open as realization sinks in. you sit back in your chair. that dress was the one she borrowed from you last week. that’s why it looked so damn familiar.

“when was that posted?” you ask kevin.

“last weekend, his frat had a party,” he answers.

you nod curtly. you can’t believe this. she asked you for the dress and told you it was for a “special occasion”.

you assumed it was for a boy but you didn’t think it’d be to impress the boy you used to sleep with! you let out a groan, hands covering your face. you were exclusive friends with benefits with jeno for over half a year. half a year of you rambling to jieun about it over the phone. talking about everything, about how good this man was in bed, how attractive he was and even how you thought you were in too deep. she was the one you confided in and trusted with those secrets, and here she was hugging the man you were once ass over boobs for.

what. the. fuck.

“yn? you okay?” jaehyun asks, sitting your french toast in front of you.

yeah. you’re definitely ok. yup! absolutely fine!

no you’re not okay, what the fuck!

you just found out your now ex-best friend/emotional support partner was (possibly but you’re pretty sure) sleeping with lee jeno!! the man she knows you were in love with. and to put the cherry on top, you were the one who gave her that dress because (and you can quote!!) whoever she was trying to impress, wouldn’t be able to resist her in it.

you were about to rip your hair out. you stared blankly at the plate of food in front of you. all hunger dispersed due to the recent events. kevin rubs your back, looking at jaehyun for help. jae shrugs, pulling out a chair at the table.

“we have to let her deal with it–all we can do is be here for her.” he says wisely, looking at you.

you were recalling all the things you did with this girl. she was your best friend. or so you thought…but maybe there was more to it, right? there’s no way she would just stab you in the back, let alone over a boy...right? maybe, just maybe it was a friendly hug…?

oh who were you kidding, that was no friendly hug. something was going on between them and you were determined to find out what it was!

not right now though. right now all you wanted to do was go and cry by yourself in the bathtub. you shake your head and sit up straight, pushing all those thoughts away. you just hoped whatever was going on wasn’t what you thought it was deep down.

—

mental note: unfriend kevin moon.

you were currently sitting in the library with kevin. you both had exams coming up and you thought it’d be good to study together.

two brains are better than one after all, right?

problem being, neither of you were studying. i mean you were doing something, but it wasn’t in correlation with homework at all.

you were both hunched over kevin��s laptop, stalking lee jeno’s social platforms. maybe confiding in kevin wasn’t the brightest idea but you may or may not have been tipsy when you did so.

rambling on about how much you loathed seeing your best friend and ex fwb partner together and of course not leaving out how you were determined to find out what their relationship was. kevin was your ride or die, and he was always up for some tea or drama. so when you, his lovely little introvert that never seemed to be in any drama, was up for something completely out of character…he practically leaped at it.

that’s how you ended up in the situation you’re in now.

you were both dressed in all black, with a dad cap and sunglasses. you looked ridiculous.

“why the fuck are we dressed like this?” you whispered, nudging the taller boy.

kevin hissed, pinching your thigh in response. you frown, rubbing the spot on your leg.

“because, we’re on a mission dummy” he responded, peeking from behind the hand-held menu.

“we could’ve dressed normally, you’re acting like this is some action movie,” you grumble.

kevin ignores your smart remark. he was enjoying this, to him it felt like he was Liam Neeson in Taken. Scouring the city to find the bastard that kidnapped his daughter. In reality, they were (as he says) “closely following” jeno. yes, the two of you were in fact stalking the jock, but kevin says your reasons provide justice for your actions. this is why you need jaehyun. he was the responsible one. he kept the two of you out of trouble.

“how do you even know he’ll be here?” you ask the black haired boy.

“i have my ways,” he states, pushing his glasses down to wink at you.

you roll your eyes, head falling onto the table.

of course kevin was right. low and behold, in walks lee jeno. with a girl of course, what were you thinking? she’s clinging to his arm rather tightly, her skirt barely covering the back of her thighs. he looks good. his hair is blonde, and he’s clad in a gray pair of sweatpants and a black shirt. his muscles are quite evident in the short sleeve shirt.

“you’re gawking” kevin whispers, moving to turn your face.

you glare, attempting to pinch him but he slaps your hand away. he then kicks your ankle and you look at him with a shocked expression.

“12 o’clock, alert! alert!” he whispers, and your head whips forward.

you eye the pair stalking in your direction and you feel like you’re about to throw up. you look at the girl, a small feeling of content settling in your stomach when you realize it isn’t jieun. maybe they didn’t have a thing like you’d hoped.

“what the fuck do we do?!” you ask kevin, covering your mouth so jeno couldn’t read your lips.

“just be normal, don’t panic” he replies, sliding the glasses off his face.

he smiles at the blonde headed boy, extending his hand to dap the boy up. jeno returns the smile, slightly shaking the girl off his arm to pat kevin’s back. you don’t miss her faltering expression as she brings her arms to fold over her chest.

“fancy seeing you here” kevin jokes, and you chuckle under your breath.

you run a hand through your hair, curling a piece behind your ear before you pick up your phone. you had nothing to say to this man, so tuning out the conversation seemed best. you aimlessly scroll through social media as you wait for kevin to finish talking. your cheek is squished by your open palm, elbow resting on the brown table. your eyes drift towards the face that’s now behind your phone.

sigh.

“jeno.” you say, voice monotone.

“princess.” he replies, a small smile crawling up his face.

you roll your eyes at the pet name, sitting up straight. you sit your phone down face first.

“how’ve you been?” he asks, inviting himself to sit down in front of you.

you shrug in response, nodding your head in his direction. silently asking ‘what about you?’. your hand moves to clutch the back of kevin’s shirt, tugging him down to sit next to you. the girl slowly takes the seat next to jeno, scooting the chair closer in his direction.

“same old, parties, sex, paractice–missing you” he shrugs, sitting back in his chair.

the way he’s looking at you, he more than likely didn’t miss the shock that crossed your features shortly. you clear your throat, looking over at kevin briefly. you want to leave so fucking bad, but you hold your composure.

“you’re a dick” you scoff, looking at the girl sitting next to him.

she’s obviously embarrassed and wants to leave. she’s not looking up, her eyes set on the floor. you feel bad for her.

“he’s not worth it, find someone better” you tell the girl, standing up.

kevin follows suite, standing up with you. jeno clicks his tongue, looking at you in amusement. he stands up, stuffing his hands in his pockets. you step back when he steps forward, but his legs are longer than yours. he bends down, now hovering over your ear. you can feel his breath, and it’s making your face hot.

“you know it doesn’t get any better than me, princess” he tells you, and you shiver at the pet name.

he pulls away from your ear, now face to face with you. his only mere centimeters away from you. you look over his features. he’s still so fucking handsome. you’d be lying if you said you didn’t miss him.

your mouth is slightly agape, and you can’t seem to find any words. all you know is you can’t kiss him. so you grab kevin’s hand and you make your way out of the eatery. kevin is stumbling after you, quietly cursing under his breath about creasing his shoes.

“we’re outside now yn, you can stop dragging me” he states and you let him go, sending a sheepish smile his way.

“so…that little moment?” he teases, wiggling his eyebrows at you.

you roll your eyes for the umpteenth time today. punching his arm, satisfied when he yelps in pain. you laugh, tossing the keys to him.

“don’t tell jae,” you point a finger at him, looking at him seriously.

he raises his hands, shaking his head.

“cross my heart and hope to die” he says, doing the gestures that go with it.

you chuckle, hopping into the passenger seat.

—

ever since you ran into jeno that day, you’ve literally seen him everywhere.

in class, in the hallways, cafeteria, even at practice!

you just can't seem to get away from him. currently you’re enjoying the comfortable silence in the cafe. you closed your eyes, resting your head on the back of the booth.

“come here often?” he jokes, sliding into the unoccupied seat next to you.

you open your eyes, looking at the owner of the voice with an annoyed expression. he raises his hands, silently apologizing. you just sigh, closing your eyes once more. you were too tired to argue with him right now.

“go away, jeno” you simply state.

you don’t see him but he feigns hurt, clutching his heart dramatically.

“you don’t want me here?” he asks, grabbing your smoothie off the table.

he brings the straw to his lips, sipping on the pink slushy substance.

“no, i don’t” you reply, opening your eyes to look at the man.

your eyebrows furrow when you realize he’s gulping down your drink. you snatch the drink away from him, sitting it back on the table.

“so hostile..” he tells you, grinning.

you roll your eyes, sitting up. you know now that he’s bothering you, he’s not going to let you relax.

“what do you want?” you ask.

“just wanted to talk,” he says, getting comfortable.

you nod, turning your body towards him. the least you could do was converse with the man. you’d be lying if you said you didn’t want to ask about him and jieun.

“anything in particular?” you ask, resting your head against your hand.

“why’d you ghost me?” he questioned, seriousness evident in his tone.

you weren't surprised. you didn’t have a true answer for him though. you knew why you ghosted him of course, but you couldn’t tell him that…you’d do anything other than admit you fell in love with your sneaky link.

“i don’t know actually…” you lied, looking down at your drink.

“i guess i just got…bored?” you continued, lying right through your teeth.

you miss the shock that crosses his features at your words. bored? of lee jeno? oh you were such a fucking liar. you didn’t care though. you’re okay with hurting his ego instead of admitting you fell in love. when you look back up at him he’s looking at you with a serious expression.

“you got bored of me?” he asked, tilting his head a bit.

you don’t respond, you just slightly nod eyes falling to your lap. jeno laughs lightly, a hand raking through his hair as he sits back. he looks up at the ceiling, his free hand blindly trying to find yours. when he does, he laces his fingers with yours.

“tell me the truth, yn” he tells you, turning his head to face you.

you stare at the blonde boy blankly. you didn’t know what to say.

“i’ve known you since our first year, i know when you’re lying” he states.

you shift in your seat, the wooden chair suddenly becoming uncomfortable. you quickly glance over at jeno, he's already looking at you. you sigh, eyeing your drink. you watch as the collected condensation on the outside of the cup drips down onto the table.

"i admit that i was lying, but i'm not telling you why" you grunt, stubbornness evident.

jeno just rolls his eyes at you, used to your stubborn behavior.

"we were friends for 3 years, and you just up and ghosted me...i deserve some kind sort of closure, don't i?" he asks you, his hand slipping out of yours.

he folds his arms over his chest, his biceps slightly flexing. you slightly pout, feeling bad. you know he's right.

"i wanna know something too, so if i tell you the truth i want the same from you, deal?" you pitch, and he agrees.

jeno sits up, attention all on you. with a soft sigh you cross your legs, looking straight at him.

"don't make fun of me either" you warn the blonde boy and he nods.

"i was starting to develop feelings for you, that's why i blocked you" you say, rather quickly.

you didn't wanna look at him, too scared to see his expression. you can feel his eyes on you, they were practically burning holes into you. the air was suddenly thick, it felt as if you could reach out and grab at the oxygen.

"so it's not because you got bored of my dick?" he asked, leaning down to be face to face with you.

your cheeks are on fire, they felt as if they were melting. jeno stares at you, waiting for a response. you can't form any words though, so you just slightly shake your head no.

"so shy.." he whispers, tilting your head up with his index finger.

his lips were so close to yours, and his fingers were soft against your face.

"s-shut the hell up" you mumble, pushing his hand away.

you rake a hand through your hair, attempting to bring yourself back to reality. jieun, you had to ask about jieun.

get over yourself yn.

"jieun, what's up with you and her?" you ask, looking back at jeno.

jeno ponders on your question for a little.

jieun?

"who is that?" he asks, and astonished is an understatement.

"kim jieun? the girl you posted last week? my best friend?" you attempt to remind the man of the girl.

jeno just looks as if you're speaking french. you roll your eyes, grabbing your phone and pulling up the picture. you snort when you realize he's still blocked. jeno peeks over your shoulder, curious as to what you're doing. you look at him sheepishly, and he cocks an eyebrow at your expression.

"you're still blocked.." you say in between awkward laughs.

jeno rolls his eyes. you reach for his phone instead, turning the device towards his face to unlock it. he watches as you open instagram and tap his most recent post. you look up at him expectantly as he glances over the picture.

"i don't remember her" he tells you and you look at him confused.

"you literally posted this," you tell him and jeno shrugs.

"i remember her face, but that's about it...never asked her name" disgust boils in your stomach at his words.

"so you just...fucked her without knowing anything about her?" you say and jeno shrugs again.

"when you say it like that it makes me sound like a dick" he grimaces, his face contorting to a bit of a disgusted expression.

"it's not like that, i just—i dunno..she probably mentioned her name, just don't remember" he says blankly, as if it were normal.

well for him it was normal, not for you. jeno's mind was drifting towards that night though, there was something that happened he just couldn't put his finger on it.

"well, her name is jieun and she's my best friend" you huff, tossing his phone onto his lap.

jeno slightly pouts at your words. he didn't know that, how the fuck was he supposed to know that?!

best friend?

something clicked in him. memories of that night with her flooding into his head. he remembered seeing her from afar, the red dress she wore was familiar. really familiar.

like, you bent over in the backseat of his car in that red dress type of familiar. he remembered that dress, how could he forget it.

"i remember now, i didn't fuck her" your ears perked up at that.

"i-i was going to, but it was because i thought she was...you" you were confused but intrigued.

your face contorts to surprise at his words. why would he think it was you?

“what do you mean?” he asks, looking at you for an answer.

“the dress, it’s yours right?” he asks, and you nod.

“i let her borrow it that night..” you tell him, fiddling with your fingers.

jeno looks at you, taking in your appearance. he hasn’t seen you in your practice gear in a while, it was still one of his favorites. nothing is better than you dressed in his clothes in his opinion. your volleyball jersey and spandex shorts.

“i miss you,” he says, voice as light as a feather.

he cups your cheek and before you know it his lips are on yours. you gasp. you feel his arms snake around your waist, squeezing lightly. you wrap your arms around his neck kissing him back. you haven’t felt him against you in so long.

you grip the hair on the back of his neck as your tongues dance together, sighing when you feel his fingers slip under your jersey. his rings felt good against your hot skin. he dips down to leave open mouthed kisses against your neck.

“j-jeno” you stutter, squeezing his shoulders.

he pulls back to look at your flustered expression.

“bored of me my ass, look at you” he teases, brushing some of your hair away.

“yeah yeah, whatever” you roll your eyes again.

jeno snickers as he goes back to work on your neck. he sucks on your sensitive spots, only moving on to the next spot when he’s satisfied with the color. he stops when he notices the necklace you’re wearing. he furrowed his eyebrows, curling his finger around the piece of gold to pull it out. he audibly gasps when he realizes what necklace it is. the gold pendant staring right back at him, his initial dangling at the bottom. he runs his fingers over it, trailing over the gold letter.

you look at jeno, curious as to why he stopped. your eyes go wide when you realize what he’s looking at. you grab the chain from him, tucking it back into your jersey. you sit up straight, untangling yourself from him.

jeno slyly smiles, scooting closer to you. he slips his hand over the back of your chair, leaning into your side.

“you still wear it?” he chuckles, fingers toying with the fabric of your jersey.

you whine, kicking him from under the table. jeno winces in pain, gripping your leg to halt your movements.

“i just couldn’t bring myself to take it off, shut up,” you say blankly.

“i’m glad” he smiles, pinching your cheek.

you roll your eyes, standing to your feet. jeno does the same, grabbing your long forgotten smoothie and sipping on it. he holds a hand out for you as you grab your phone off the table. you look at his hand and back at him. with a shake of your head you push his hand away, slipping past him.

“just lemme walk you home, god, you’re so hard headed” he grunts, catching up to you.

“i’m fine, Jeno,” you sigh, reaching for the door.

jeno lightly smacks your hand away, pushing the door open for you. he slings an arm over your shoulder, both of you walking in the direction of your apartment. you gave up on shooing him away, he obviously wasn’t taking no for an answer.

you can’t get rid of him, and deep down inside…apart of you is content with that.

—

today was horrible.

you were running late so you didn’t eat before you clocked in, and of fucking course you left your lunch. all the customers were giving you a hard time, and two of your co-workers called off last minute so you’re stuck covering for them. you were so fucking close to putting your two weeks in. you’ve been looking for a new job, but you didn’t mind not having to come to this shitty ass job while you looked.

you rolled your eyes as you thought of what jaehyun would say when he finds out you quit. mumbling small profanities under your breath as you wiped the table rather aggressively.

“no yn, you should’ve stayed. what would your mom say if she found out you quit?!” you said in a deep joking voice, attempting to copy jaehyun’s.

you stood upright once you were done taking your anger out on the poor table. you turned around to go to the kitchen, but was instead faced with a figure. your eyebrows furrowed as you looked at the person standing not even a foot away from you. you didn’t know him. you glance over his figure, his outfit was laid back..comfortable. he had a bit of black stuff smudged on his light wash jeans.. your eyes trail up to his worn out white tee. the shirt was ragged–obviously old. he clutched a notebook in his left hand, his other was occupied – stuffed in his jeans pocket. his eyes were a pretty brown, eye bags underneath them.

he looked at you with a crooked grin, as if he was holding back a laugh. you thought it was a bit weird, but you assumed he was laughing at your overworked appearance. your hands flew to your hair, tightening your ponytail and brushing a few stray hairs away. you were suddenly too embarrassed to look up at the cute boy in front of you. looking down at your dirty converse as you try to avoid his gaze.

“a bad day today?” he spoke, referring to your mumbling a few seconds ago.

“uhm, yeah kind of..but did you want to buy something?” you mutter.

“well i’m sorry today was hard, and yes i would—thank you” he beams.

“okay, excuse me” you mumble, hands nervously gripping your black apron.

you heard the man mumble a small ‘sorry’ as he let you pass. you nod your head, quickly taking your place behind the counter. you finally look up properly at the boy and your throat goes dry.

this man was fucking beautiful.

the angle you saw him at just mere seconds ago couldn’t hold a candle to how he looks right now. the evening sun shone through the picture windows of the small cafe, and it illuminated his features. you were getting weak in the knees. he stalked towards the counter, a small smile adorning his face.

“what can i get for you?” you ask, silently celebrating because you didn’t stutter.

“a grande latte, please” he said politely, and you nod.

you punch his order in, grabbing the 10$ bill from him. you exchange it for the change you owe him and hand it back to him, your fingertips just barely brushing his open palm as you sit it in his hand.

“your order will be ready shortly, just give me a second” you smile sweetly at the brown headed man.

he nods his head, taking a seat at the back of the empty cafe. you turn around to start making his drink. once you're finished you bring it to him, sitting on his table with a tight lipped smile. you eye the notebook he’s writing in, so many words. you’re sure every page looks like this one. filled to the brim with what you suspect is his feelings, thoughts, and prophecies.

you stare in awe as he jots down whatever he’s thinking, but it dawns on you that you might be invading his personal space. you shake your head with a sigh, turning away from the table.

you tend to the other empty tables. picking up dirty plates and cups, mugs filled with wasted coffee. wiping down the table, as you hum along to the tune playing in your earphones. you only wore one just in case (you hoped) he called out to you.

“excuse me” your ears perk up at the two words.

your head whipped around, eyeing the brown headed boy sitting in the back. his hand is up, waving you over slightly. you smile to yourself, drying your hands before making your way to his table.

“need something?” you ask, hands neatly folded in front of you.

he smiles, pointing at the seat in front of him. you eye the seat, pointing at the chair. he nods.

“i figured since it’s empty, you could use some kind of company,” he states, spinning his pencil.

you nod, giving him a grateful smile.

“i appreciate it” you tuck some of your hair behind your ear.

“my names eric, by the way” he extends a hand to you.

“i’m yn, nice to meet you” you shake his hand with a small smile.

“what a pretty name..” he says rather low, obviously a thought that slipped out.

you blush, fidiling with the rings on your fingers.

“uhm, what are you writing…if you don’t mind sharing” you eye his open notebook.

eric looks down at the open notebook as well, pushing it your way. he nods his head towards you, silently giving you permission to invade his privacy. you nod curtly, picking up the black book. there’s so many pages. filled to the max with so many things. on some pages there’s pictures taped in them, small stanzas next to them describing the moments captured.

one picture catches your eye. it’s a picture of him and what you assume are his friends. they’re sitting on the back of a truck. the four boys arms around each other's shoulders, cheesing for the picture. there’s a black haired boy, a red head, eric, and a very very familiar blonde haired boy.

lee jeno.

you decide to not speak on knowing him. you slide the notebook back to eric. he shuts it, stuffing it into his bookbag.

“how long have you been working here?” he asks you.

“too damn long” you sigh, he laughs at your words.

“you make a mean latte, so at least that’s something” he pipes, taking a swig of the drink.

you laugh. he was funny, and it made you feel at ease. all the stress from today seemed to be leaving your body. a simple conversation with a man you’ve never met before, who would’ve thought.

—

you flick your wrist as you check the time. It read 12:48am.

you were home now, eric dropping you off. you told him it was only a 10 minute walk but of course he wasn’t going to let you walk home all alone. he had a nice car as well, an all black Mazda Rx-7. the black smudge on his jeans was from him wiping his hands on his pants. he said his car was his pride and joy, telling you that leading to him inviting you to come to the car meet next Friday. you agreed of course, wanting to see him again. you didn’t know much about cars but you knew what looked good and what didn’t. you wouldn’t mind seeing some souped up JDMs and SRTs in action though.

you made your way up the stairs, heading towards the front door of your apartment. kevin and jae should be home by now. well, jaehyun will be but kevin is probably out partying somewhere. it’s been about three hours since you clocked out. about ten minutes since you left eric’s presence. the brown headed boy insisted on keeping you company till you clocked out. even though you told him it was fine, he still stayed. you didn’t really want him to leave so you were glad he stayed. after you clocked out you walked around for a while with him. chatting about anything and everything. UFOs and aliens, to Disney princesses and Marvel storylines. you knew the two of you were destined to meet when you both agreed that the Prisoner of Azkaban is in fact the best Harry Potter film. The both of you talked for hours, lost in conversation as you both learned more and more about each other.

you push your key into the door, but before you could even turn the key the door flew open.

“YN!” you look up, eyes wide with shock.

“who the fuck took you home?” jaehyun asks, tugging you inside,

he shuts the door behind you, guiding you to sit down on the couch.

“eric took me home” you answer his question.

“oh? who’s that, new boyfriend?” kevin teases, smirking at you from across the room.

you glare at him, picking up a pillow from the couch to chuck at him. before you could jae takes it from you, hitting you with it instead.

“hey!” you yelp, holding the back of your head.

“what did i tell you about strangers?” jaehyhun sighs, putting the pillow down.

“i’m 21 jae, stop being such a dad” you huff, punching his leg.

“i swear you’re gonna be the death of me,” he mutters, pinching the bridge of his nose.

jae walks in the direction of his bedroom, shaking his head. once you hear his door shut you and kevin practically leap out of your seats. the two of you run straight for kevin’s room, plopping down onto his bed.

“tell me every fucking deatail! did you guys fuck? oh my god, did you suck his di–” kevin rambles, too loud for your liking.

“shhhh, oh my god” you slap a hand over his mouth.

“sorry, sorry i’m excited,” he whispers.

you roll your eyes, proceeding to get comfortable on his bed before you fill him in on today’s happenings.

—

you skipped down the hallway, clutching your book bag. today was Friday, aka the day you saw eric show off his car. eversince the two of you met, he’s been dropping you off and picking you up from school. the two of you going on dates after he picks you up.

you really really liked him, and it wasn’t just you that noticed. kevin is still the only person you’ve told, yes, but it doesn’t mean that he’s the only one that noticed. the extra pep in your step, recent effort in your outfits, and the obvious happy aura that now surrounds you. you admit you are in fact falling more and more for the man, but you didn’t think it was dead obvious.

yeah, thoughts come from not knowing.

you push open the front door, making your way down the steps. eric is leaning against his car, smiling prettily at you as you wave at him excitedly. a small ding makes a noise in your pocket and you pull it out, slowing down a bit to read the text message properly.

stupid jeno: wya??

you roll your eyes at the text message, continuing your way towards eric. you internally groan when you hear the familiar ding again.

stupid jeno: can we talk, it’s important.

you: 10 minutes only, wya?

stupid jeno: im in the bsb locker room, hurry up

eric looks at your expression as you glance over your phone screen. he bends down to get your attention.

“you good” he asks, waving a hand in front of your face.

“yeah, can you just give me like 5 minutes–i need to handle something” you slightly pout at the man.

eric nods, opening his hand for your bag. you sling it off your shoulder and hand it to him.

“i’ll be right here, princess” your tummy erupts into butterflies at the pet name.

you nod, smiling at him before you turn to go meet jeno.

you step out of the elevator, you haven't been to the baseball side in a long time. after you ghosted jeno there was no reason for you to come to this side of the athletic wing. occasionally you swing by the basketball court to watch some of jaehyun’s games when you can, but other than that you don't go past the volleyball side. yours and jaehyun’s game schedules conflicted, so the both of you have never really seen each other play outside of highlights that were recorded or practices.

you used to attend every single one of jeno’s games though, never missed one. rain or shine, day or night, long or short. you were there when he won, to celebrate and go drinking with him and some of his teammates. you were there when he lost, snuggled together on the couch watching a movie with ice cream. sometimes you would drop him off some lunch after practice, knowing how hungry a practice game could make you. after you ghosted him, he lost all of that though, and it hit home for him. no pun intended, but you didn’t know that…you thought he was just fine.

you turned the corner, already knowing where to go. you blush as you pass by the bathroom, remembering the numerous quickies you and jeno had in there. you walk towards the double doors, pushing one side open with your foot. you walk through the locker room, a few of his teammates that didn’t know you gave you weird looks, probably wondering why you were here.

“whew, look who it is” you turn your head towards the owner of the voice.

yuta nakamoto.

He was leaning on his locker, arms folded over his chest. before you could even open your mouth to say something an arm was slinged across your shoulders.

“if it isn’t my favorite girl,” you look up at the brown headed boy.

sungchan smiles at you, ruffling your hair.

“oh my god, when the hell did you get so…big?!” you exclaim, eyeing his arms and especially his height.

“oh fuck off, don’t boost his confidence anymore” haechan groans, walking up from behind yuta.

haechan throws a wink your way and you roll your eyes. none of these boys changed. well, personality wise at least…sungchan was another case. you missed them though, all of them.

“hey, you got yourself a new one?” sungchan whispers, nudging your side.

you smile automatically thinking of eric and all the boys erupt into loud cheers and ‘oohs’.

“who is it? do we know him?” haechan asks, leaning closer so he could hear you better.

you shake your head, acting as if you were zipping your mouth closed with your fingers.

“where is he?” you ask, and the boys all groan in unison.

yuta nods his head in the direction of the room jeno’s in.

“you just got here though,” sungchan says, leaning his body weight on you.

you slightly stumble, bringing an arm to his waist so you can steady yourself.

“oh, we’re having a party tonight! come to it, we miss you dude” yuta says, looking at the other boys for approval.

the others nod their heads, obviously agreeing with his statement.

“and bring your little boyfriend,” haechan teases, wiggling his fingers in your direction.

“okay, okay I will” you laugh, as you attempt to push away from the reluctant boy clinging onto you.

sungchan sighs, letting you go. he ruffles your hair again, before he bends down to say something in your ear.

“good luck sweetheart,” he whispers in your ear before brushing past you.

he walks backwards towards the exit, waving bye to you. you wave back and he turns around, pushing the exit door open with his shoulder. you watch as the boys walk together, talking to each other about whatever. you missed them, a lot…they became like brother’s to you.

you sigh as you turn to face the door yuta motioned at, slowly walking to it. pushing it open you peek inside, it’s pretty empty. the only things inside were a black backpack, a desk, and lee jeno. he’s stood above the desk, his fingers gripping the desk under him tightly. you eye the discoloration in his knuckles, your eyebrows furrowing in a mix of confusion and concern.

what’s got him so worked up?

“jeno?” you call out to him but he doesn’t respond.

you sigh, stepping into the room and closing the door behind yourself. you walk towards him, hand brushing against the small of his back. he cocks his head to look at you and you damn near fainted at his expression. his glare was ice cold, you remove your hand from his back.

“i fucking hate you” he says through gritted teeth.

“w-what? why, what did i do?” you look at him with wide eyes.

jeno stands up straight, towering over your figure now. you back up automatically, your back against the wall now. jeno is quick to close the space between the two of you. his hands slammed against the wall, one arm on each side of your head. your breath gets stuck in your throat as deja vu rushes over you due to the position. he fucked you in almost every position possible, but this one was one of his favorites so tons of your sexual escapades put you in this position. his hands gripping your hips as he pushed you against the wall, drilling into you as you held onto his shoulders.

“j-jeno” you call out, your voice barely above a whisper.

“what the fuck is wrong with you, huh?” he asked you, rage evident in his tone.

“nothing, what are you even talking about?” you ask, feigning confusion as to why he was so mad.

you weren’t sure if he was angry about eric, more so you didn’t know if he even knew about him. you were sure one of the boys (*cough* haechan *cough*) opened their big ass mouths and told him about it. then again, they were more than likely friends on social media, the picture you saw in his notebook making its way to the forefront of your mind. they were friends, you forgot about that.

“who is he? i swear, i’ll fucking kill him” he was so serious, staring at you intently.

“oh shut up, you won’t do shit,” you spat, looking at him with hooded eyes.

well, that did it.

his fingers wrapped around your throat, cutting off your breathing for a quick second. you gasp, hands going to grip his arm. you look up at him with a dazed look, you missed this and you couldn’t even deny it. jeno smirked down at you, enjoying the sight of you turning to putty in his hands. he barely even touched you yet, all he did was choke you.

“don’t test me, princess” he taunted, tongue wetting his lips.

“or what?” you replied, knowing all the right buttons to press.

his grip around your neck tightened, as he crashed his lips onto yours. he kissed you hungrily, wasting no time at all. he knew what he wanted and he was gonna get it. you kissed him back automatically, opening your mouth for him when he tapped your cheek. he craned your head back so he could kiss you easier, sucking on your tongue with his fingers still wrapped around your neck. you moan into his mouth at his actions, hands flying to wrap around his neck.

he pulls away from you, a string of saliva following. his forehead rested against yours, breathing ragged. his face was only centimeters away from yours, you felt every breath he let out and you were light in the head.

“you miss me, admit it” jeno sneers, not waiting for a response from you.

it was a statement. he knew you missed him, he knew you needed him and he knew you’d never get rid of him.

he gripped your chin, jerking it up so he could see your neck clearly. his other hand came down to trace over the marks on your neck. you watch his expression closely, wanting to see his reaction to your decorated neck.

“fucking disgusting” he spoke with so much hostility, obviously disapproving of the hickeys.

“he’s waiting for me, jeno” you choke out,

“who? the guy you’re trying to replace me with?” he asks, smiling down at you.

“he’s not me, and you fucking know it” he whispers in your ear, biting your earlobe before pulling away.

his hands trail down your body, now gripping your hips. he looks over your body, loving the way nothing has changed since the last time he held you like this. you look down at the blonde boy with admiration and excitement. nervous about what he was gonna do next. you watched as his fingers danced around your waistband, toying with it. he looks up at you, and you nod.

“i-im good, you’re good,” you tell him, giving him the green light.

he smirks, his hands pushing up your skirt to bunch up at your waist. his hands grip the skin of your thighs roughly, pushing them apart so he could have access to your heat.

“so wet for me..” he whispers, eyeing your soaked core.

you whine as he runs a finger across your clothed heat. he looks up at you excitedly, loving how you reacted to every little touch. he swiftly pushes the cloth to the side, pushing two fingers into you. you mewl, looking down at him with wide eyes. he pumps his fingers in and out of you at a quick pace, watching how your hole swallows up his fingers so easily. meanwhile, you were trying to keep your balance. you were sure to fall soon if he didn’t change positions soon, you in fact did not have megan knees.

“jeno, im gonna fall” before you could even finish your sentence, his unoccupied hand was gripping your hip.

he pushed your body against the wall, easily holding you in place with only one arm. you whine at the harsh grip on your hip, you were sure that spot was gonna bruise. he fingers didn’t stop moving once, still pumping in and out you. you gasp when his thumb comes in contact with your clit, rubbing circles. you look down at him through your eyelashes, loving how he looked.

all sweaty from practice and his current activities. his hair was messy, some strands sticking to his forehead. his jersey hung loosely on his body, the same number 5 on the back. you bit your lips when he curled his fingers in you, moaning out in pleasure. he still knew all your spots, you loved not having to walk him through what you liked and didn’t like. he took pride in knowing all your special spots and where to touch to get a reaction out of you.

“move to the desk” he told you, but as soon as he let your hip go you were being lifted.

he sat you on top of the desk, pushing your chest with his hand to make you lay down. before you allow him to push you down you tug on the hem of his jersey.

“take it off” you say with a small pout and jeno laughs.

raising one hand he brings it to the back of his collar, tugging the material over the top of his head in one swift motion. you look over his toned body, practically drooling at the sight in front of you. jeno looks at you his head tilted. your eyes move from his v-line to his abs, and his broad shoulders. you bit your lip as you remembered the marks you used to leave all over him. scratches, so many of them…hickeys, bite marks, you name it. jeno walks closer to you, hand going to grab the back of your neck. he kisses you, not as rough as earlier but he was still dominating the kiss. you pull away from him a few minutes later, out of breath.

“i want you,” you say in between breaths.

that’s all he needed to hear. with one hand he pushes your chest, making you law down on your back. he gets back down on his knees, propping your legs onto his shoulders. he loops a finger around the waistband of your panties, pulling them down and off of you. he licks his lips at the sight. he looks up at you, you were already looking down at him. propped up on your elbows as you watch him intently.

he leaves a trail of kisses from your ankle to your upper thigh. sucking and biting wherever he pleased. he left a few marks in between your thighs. a place he felt only he should touch.

“you guys fuck yet?” he asked, still marking you up.

you shake your head no in response, not trusting your voice right now.

“good, ‘cause you’re mine—all mine,” he said in between kisses.

he sinks his teeth into the supple skin of your thigh, loving the way you moan out for him. hovering over where you wanted him most he breathed over you, eyeing the slight shake in your thighs. he lays his tongue flat against you, lightly penetrating your entrance with the tip of his tongue. he smiles when he hears you moan. wrapping his lips around your clit, he sucks harshly at your ball of nerves. he holds contact with you the whole time, you look back at him with a glazed expression.

he shifts a bit, repositioning himself so he could eat you out better. his arms were tucked under the back of your knees, hands gripping your inner thighs. he spread your legs wider for him and in a millisecond his mouth was attached to your heat.

he ate you like a starved man, which in a way he was. you guys hadn’t had any contact in like three months. he’d been craving you, same as you for him but your guys’ pride stood in the way of your happiness.

“mm—fuck, jeno” you call out to him, fingers gripping his locks.

“hm?” he murmurs against you, sending vibrations through your body.

“you make me feel so g-good” you mewl, gripping his hair harder.

this urged him to do better. his thumb found your clit, rubbing circles atop the sensitive spot. you threw your head back, his name falling from your mouth. jeno grunts, loving how his name sounded coming from your mouth. he rubbed your clit faster, lapping at your slick folds. you were dripping for him and he fucking loved it. nothing but his hands and his mouth, he was convinced nobody could do you better than him.

“fuck! g-gonna cu–” your sentence was cut short when you heard a phone ring.

jeno’s movement came to a halt, disconnecting his mouth from your heat. the both of you looked for the ringing phone, it was yours. jeno handed it to you.

eric.

your eyes went wide, how long had you been up here? was he still here? was he looking for you?

“hello?” you spoke into the phone.

“where are you? are you ok?” your heart clenched in your chest at his worried tone.

“n-no i’m fine, i just got caught up with something…” you replied, locking eyes with jeno.

jeno rolled his eyes, running a hand through his hair. he averted his eyes, not wanting to look at you.

“b–-but you’re ok, right? you don’t need help?” he asked, and you nod your head with a small smile.

“no no, i’m ok...i’ll be down in a bit” you hear him let out a relieved sigh.

“ok princess..come quick, i miss you” you smile, hanging up the phone.

jeno was staring at you through the whole exchange. he walked up to you, closing the space in between the two of you. guiding your arms to wrap around his neck. you look up at him, confusion written on your face.

“i’m still yours yn, just come back to me” he whispers to you, caressing your cheek.

you look up at him, he was being so sincere and it made you sick. if he would’ve said this like four months ago you would’ve accepted him and his offer. now though? it was different…you weren’t head over heel for him anymore. you had eric. you liked eric, and you wanted to try with him. it wasn’t fair that when you offered your feelings to him he declined and now he’s doing the same but he wants a different outcome. that’s unfair, and you didn’t like it.

you can’t deny that you still had lingering feelings for jeno. the situation you were just in with the boy said enough, you really didn’t have to say much more. but eric wasn’t the same as jeno…he made you feel different. he was a breath of fresh air from jeno, he didn’t know you like the back of your hand like jeno did. he didn’t know how you felt by once glance, he didn’t know your favorite food or color and you were content with that. you spent so much time being in love with jeno that you forgot how it felt to learn a new person and vice versa.

eric was handsome, super sweet and he made butterflies erupt inside you in a way jeno never did. perhaps it’s because you’re in the so-called ‘honeymoon phase’ but you don't care. you wanted eric and you weren’t going to double back on it either.

you look up at the blonde boy with a solemn expression, a rush of emotions flowing through you. you shake your head, retracting your arms from him. jeno’s face shows his emotions, shocked at your disapproval. he doesn’t say anything, he doesn’t know what to say.

“i can’t, i have someone now…and i wanna try with him,” you say, finding his eyes again.

jeno scoffs, looking down at you mockingly.

“try with him? for what yn? you have me,” he tells you, holding your face in both of his hands.

“jeno, i’m trying to be civil right now and you’re making it difficult,” you say, pulling away from his touch.

you push away the man by his chest, standing up in the process. jeno laughs lightly as he watches you.

“i am sorry though…about this” you say, referring to the moment the two of you just shared.

“it won’t happen again,” you tell him, not once sparing him a glance.

you put your underwear back on, tugging your skirt back down. you overlook your appearance in the mirror, fixing your hair and smoothing out any wrinkles in your clothes. jeno is silent as he watches you, still shirtless. you lock eyes with him in the mirror, tilting your head as you both stare at each other. jeno’s expression is unreadable, you have never seen him look like this before. you sigh, turning around to face him. a small hope ignites in him but is diminished as soon as you open your mouth.

“friends?” you say, holding your hand out to him.

jeno scoffs, looking at you with a shocked expression. he turns away from you, picking up his shirt from the floor. he tugs it over his body, still not facing you. you let out yet another sigh, running a hand down his back smoothing out the wrinkles in his shirt.

“friends? are you deadass right now, yn?” you hear him mumble and you roll your eyes.

“it's not mandatory jeno, i was just trying to be cordial” you roll your eyes, starting towards the door.

your hand reaches out for the handle but jeno grabs your wrist. spinning you around and pinning you against the door. you look up at him with wide eyes.

“don’t play with me, you know we’re not friends yn” he speaks through gritted teeth.

you roll your eyes, trying to tug your wrists away from his grip.

“we were friends before we even started fucking jeno” you say matter of factly.

he rolls his eyes and you look up at him with an unwavering glare.

“i can make you cum in less than 2 minutes and you think we’re fucking friends?” he scoffs, letting your wrists go.

you don’t respond, you just rub your wrist.

“you’ll come back to me, don’t worry” he states, slinging his backpack over his shoulder.

“shut the hell up” you groan, opening the door.

“he won’t fuck you like i do, just watch” he shouts as you close the door.

you practically sprinted for the elevator. once you were inside you let out a groan, sliding down and covering your face with your hands.

—

“woah!” you exclaim looking up at eric.

he just laughs, tugging you closer to him. he rubs your arm, attempting to warm you up. you were wearing one of his sweaters, too big for you of course.

“glad you came?” he asked and you nod your head.

he smiled at you, kissing the top of your head. you guys watched as the person driving the charger stepped on his gas, flaunting his V8 engine. you watched in admiration, loving how all these cars here looked. your favorite was this similar duplicate of Suki’s car from Tokyo Drift. you absolutely lost your mind when the girl showed you the pink flames that erupted from the exhaust pipes just like in the movie.

“it’s almost my turn,” eric told you and you wrapped your arms around his waist.

“i’m so excited,” you tell him, squeezing his waist just a little.

“i’ll spin this baby out a few times, then we’ll hit up the party, ok?” you nod up at the blonde boy.

—

“that was so fucking cool!!” you tell him, running into his open arms.

“i’m glad you liked it baby,” he smiled down at you, wrapping his arms around your waist.

little sounds left your mouth as you (attempted to) mimic what he did in his car just mere minutes ago. waving your hands around and pretending as if you were behind the wheel of his Rx-7. Eric looked at you with nothing but fondness and adoration in his eyes. it’s been about a week and a half since he met you and his feelings were becoming more and more evident to him everyday. he walked up to you, wrapping you in his arms, holding you close to him.

“eric?” you squeak, peeking up at him through your eyelashes.

“stay with me, don’t leave me,” he whispered into your hair.

you look at the blonde headed boy, grabbing his face in your hands.

“why would i leave you?” you ask him, and he shrugs.

“just don’t, pinky swear” he tells you, holding up his pinky.

you laugh, intertwining your finger with his. eric smiles, kissing your forehead.

—

you clutch onto eric’s arm, pushing through the sweaty bodies surrounding the two of you. god you hated parties. well, not completely but you hated feeling so claustrophobic in these crowds. you would come to them, i mean who were you to turn down free food? you weren’t a complete buzzkill. you just..thought parties were kind of pointless. plus, you played sports, alcohol and drugs were the last of your desires. your main focus was keeping your scholarship. you had a full ride and you were not going t fuck it up because you wanted to get stupid drunk at a party and fuck off your opputunities.

you look around the room, eyeing the baseball team as eric drags you into the kitchen for a drink. you wave at haechan and you see him wave back at you before he disappears from your line of sight.

“what are you feeling for?” he asks and you shrug, getting comfortable on the counter.

“ok, i’ll surprise you with something” he smiles at you, turning to whip up a drink.

“but you’re cut off after the third one, ok?” he points a finger at you and you nod.

jokingly saluting him following a ‘yes sir!’. eric laughs, turning back to continue making the drinks.

“is this the special guy?” you don’t even need to turn your head to know who’s voice it is.

“hi sungchan,” you grin, opening your arms for your friend.

sungchan envelopes you in a hug, nuzzling his face into your hair. you laugh, hugging him back. eric turns around to see who joined the two of you in the kitchen. he looks at you silently asking who he was.

“eric, this is sungchan” you point at the boy, introducing him to eric.

sungchan stands up to his full height, bringing a hand up to stroke his chin. he glances over eric’s appearance with furrowed eyebrows.

“hm…do you have a job?” sungchan asks and eric laughs.

“yes.”

“love your mom?”

“very much so,”

“know how to drive?”

“yup.”

“gotta car?” eric eyes you with a smirk.

you laugh already knowing where this was heading. he reaches into his back pocket, pulling out his car keys. he spins them on his index finger before he tosses them to sungchan.

“mazda rx-7, matte black, year 2000” he winks at the boy, patting his shoulder before he turns to continue making the drinks.

sungchan turns to you with wide eyes.

“oh nah, fuck her, date me” sungchan jokes, handing the keys back to eric.

he turns to face you, pointing at eric and looking at you with his mouth wide. silently approving of the man, you just shake your head with a laugh. you loved sungchan, he was one of your three best friends. you haven’t known him longer than jaehyun but you loved him just as much.

believe it or not you guys matched on sme dumb online dating app kevin put you on three years ago now. the two of you met up but it didn’t work out…at all. so the two of you decided on becoming friends instead and here you are now. three years later, and now your guys bond was stronger than ever.

you looked at the pair as they talk about whatever. eric walks over to you, handing you a red cup. you smile, telling him thank you as you grab the cup from his hand. he holds his own cup in one hand, his other holding your bare thigh. he draws circles on your naked skin with his thumb mindlessly, paying attention to sungchan as they're still conversing. you lean onto his arm, taking small sips of the pepsi and malibu mixture in your cup.

a few moments later sungchan excuses himself from the kitchen, his phone ringing in his hand. the two of you nod at him, waving him off. eric looks down at you.

“sleepy?” he asks and you nod.

“mm..just a bit” you slur, looking up at him.

you smile when your eyes land on his face.

“you’re so handsome,” you whisper.

“you think so?” eric asks, sitting his cup down.

you nod your head, sitting up straight. eric stands in between your legs now. grabbing your cup from your hand and sitting it on the counter.

“the handsomest ever” you giggle, throwing your hands up.

eric laughs, grabbing your wrists softly. he guides them to rest on his shoulder, his hands moving to wrap around your middle. he brings his face closer to yours and a sense of familiarity rushes over your senses.

“pretty girl…” you close your eyes at the words, loving how it sounds from him.

“all mine, all for me” excitement courses through you at his words.

you open your eyes again when he squeezes your hip. eyeing his blonde hair, sharp eyes, perfect nose.

jeno…fucking lee jeno.

you keep your composure, squeezing your eyes shut to see if you could break yourself from the trance. memories flooding your head because of his words. why’d he have to sound so much like jeno now? all those times jeno called you his pretty girl, caressing you as he reminded you of who you belonged to. you were his, not eric’s. what the hell were you doing.

you open your eyes again and this time you do see eric. he’s close, very very close. he inches closer and closer to you, lips hovering over your own. he closes his eyes as soon as his lips touch yours. frozen. you couldn’t move.

guilt overwhelmed you as he kissed you. forcing yourself to kiss him back. your clutched the material of his shirt, same as earlier when you made out with jeno.god, you felt sick. you were such an asshole. why’d he have such a tight grip on you? you thought you were over him.

eric pulls away from you and you look at him, searching for any kind of discomfort. sighing silently when you don’t see any. he smiles at you, holding a hand out offering to help you down. you nod, taking his hand as you hop off the counter. you turn, grabbing your cup as you down the remaining liquid in one go. with a deep breath in and out you turn around to face eric. accepting his open hand, you hold his hand. allowing him to lead you out of the house.

—

you screamed into your pillow, kicking your feet. kevin groans for the umpteenth time this morning.

“yn…for the 10th time, please shut the fuck up!” he groans, looking at you with a tired expression.

ever since eric dropped you off you’d been awake. currently it’s 9am, he dropped you off at around 1 in the morning. you couldn’t sleep, how could you sleep? you kissed your boyfriend that’s not your boyfriend and thought it was jeno! you’d be insane if you could get a good night’s rest in this situation. kevin sadly had been woken up by you and been up since then. listening to you rant on and on about what you're going through. he suggested calling jeno and telling him and he earned a pillow to the head.

“yn, please…go to sleep” kevin pleaded and you sighed.

grabbing your phone to check the time, 9:49am.

you didn’t have class but you were tired. you nod, climbing under the sheets. kevin cries out in happiness, practically leaping into the bed sheets. he cuddles up under your covers, immediately falling asleep. you smile at your friend, pulling his glasses off his face and sitting them on your bedside table. shortly afterwards you do the same as him, falling asleep.

—

it’s been about two weeks since the part ordeal occurred. two weeks since you’ve spoken to jeno. you’ve seen him around, swinging by the baseball wing to say hi to the boys every now and then.

most of your time was given to eric though. he still hadn’t asked you out yet, which kind of bummed you out but on the other hand you were glad. you still weren’t completely sure you wanted to be with him 100%. yeah you had feelings for him, but apart of you still yearned for jeno. it was becoming more and more adamant to you every time you saw him.

seeing him all sweaty right after practice, or shirtless with a towel hanging loosely around him fresh out the shower. not to mention the deja vu from the locker room because of the multiple quickies you and him had here. he knew something was up with you too, noticing your little glances and lingering touches.

you were on your way to meet up with eric for lunch, already standing in the elevator. you press the number 1 and wait patiently, rocking back and forth on your heels. you watch as the numbers light up as you pass through the floors. watching the doors open before you step out of the elevator.

rounding the corner as you pull out your phone to text him.

you: where are you ?

eric: im in the parking garage, you out front?

you: yeah, i just got here.

eric: ok, im coming rn.

you nod, locking your phone and putting it away. you look around nervously before you flick your wrist to the time. 3 o’clock on the dot.

sungchan facetimed you earlier, so if sungchan was already out of practice you knew jeno was too. and you know he’s still here because you see his car parked across the street from you. you just hoped eric would beat him here.

“yn?” you hear, and you don’t even need to turn to know who it is.

fuck, fuck, fuck. you think to yourself.

you look up at the sky, cursing your bad luck. with a sigh you reluctantly turn to face him. locking eyes with him, he’s standing a few feet away, his arms crossed over his chest.

“can we talk?” he asks, and you wanna say no.

every bone in your body is telling you to say no. you inch towards him, taking the smallest steps ever known to man. once you’re not too far from him he turns, leading the way leaving you to follow awkwardly.

“were you waiting for someone?” you nod, tucking some stray hair behind your ear.

“yeah, eric.” you say blankly, not realizing you slipped up till after you said it.

“eric…sohn?” jeno asks, pulling his car door open.

you nod slowly, fingers toying with the hem of your jersey.

“you know him?” you ask, curious as to what his answer will be.

jeno laughs shortly, shaking his head no. he nods his head to you, followed by a short ‘get in’. the both of you are now sitting in his BMW, awkwardness and tension filling the air. the only sound coming from the AC.

“why’d you—”

“do you–”

the both of you start at the same time, both laughing now. you let him talk first.

“do you still have it on?” he asks and you roll your eyes.

you pull the chain from under your jersey, showing him the necklace he gifted you. he smiles, leaning in to touch the piece of jewelry. he eyes it, fiddling with the golden j dangling from it. he looks up at you and your breath gets stuck in your throat.

before you could even protest he presses his lips onto yours. you kiss him back, everything around the two of you disappearing as you continue to make out with the blonde boy. sighing when he grips your thigh, rubbing and squeezing at the skin sweetly. you missed his touch. the two of you exchanged spit for what seemed like hours…all worries leaving your body. this is what he did to you. he made you forget about anything and everyone. all stress, worries, problems, it didn’t matter when you were with him.

you pull away from him, wanting to look at his face. you caress his cheek, soaking up his features.

“i missed you…so fucking much” you sigh, leaning in to kiss him again.

you continue to kiss jeno, both of you unbeknownst to the gaze of a certain someone.

—

end.

producer’s note: feedback is appreciated!! tysm for reading, and i hope you read the next chapter as well <333 .

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[brianhanes]

Concepts & Characters Star Wars Needs to Bring Back in a new Legends Sequel Series

Before Disney bought out the franchise, Star Wars already had a rich story about what happened after Episode VI. Once Disney took over, the old stories were scrapped for a newer trilogy that disappointed a lot of fans. Star Wars became split between its old legends fans and the newer sequel trilogy ones. It seemed as if there was no way to bring the two divided groups together, however there is a way to bring them together. 

One of the most special things about Star Wars is its versatility. You can never please everyone. Fortunately, Star Wars doesn’t have to. Star Wars has such a large franchise, so many eras, and so many characters that they can make content that brings in different types of fans. They can have more original content, more traditional content, stories about Jedi, stories about bounty hunters, stories about soldiers, stories about detectives, and so on. Star Wars can have comedies and serious films. 

The legends fans can be appeased and get everything they ever dreamed of with the new legends alternate universe series that is inspired by the stories that came to be before the Sequel Trilogy. The canon fans can enjoy the Sequel trilogy and neutral fans can enjoy them. Now I will briefly mention aspects of the Legend Sequel that should be seen. 

Warning: Spoilers Below 

1. Mara Jade

Mara was one of the most popular Star Wars characters. She was Ahsoka Tano, before the Clone Wars with a touch of Ventress. Mara was a mysterious, brilliant, tactical, and adaptive assassin. Mara was also a talented duelist, excellent sharpshooter, and acrobatic fighter. Mara could swift between using sniper rifles, pistols, smoke grenades, gravity hooks, close combat skills, and her lightsaber. 

Mara was a master of stealth and infiltration. She knew how to hack into databases with ease. Mara could use force abilities like choke, force push, force pull, throw, and lightning in battle. Mara was trained by Palpatine as an Emperor’s Hand and was given one final mission to kill Luke Skywalker during Palpatine’s death in Episode VI. Despite her orders, Mara eventually fell in love with her target and realized that everything she was told was a lie. 

Mara went on to become one of the best Jedi of all time and married Luke Skywalker. Mara has several loyal fans who would buy content with her in it. A lot of people would watch the series simply because she is in it.  

2. Grand Master Luke 

While a lot of people might argue that we already saw him, you should understand that Luke’s depiction in Legends is very different than what we saw in the Sequel Trilogy. While Luke seems to be more similar in during his depiction in the Mandalorian, Star Wars Battlefront II’s campaign, and some other recent lore readers need to keep in mind that Luke still makes some major decisions later on in the Sequels that impact people’s perception of his legacy. 

Luke was incredibly powerful during this timeline, but his beliefs make him stand out more than anything. Legends Luke fulfilled the errors of the Prequels Jedi Order by making a more robust and just Order that was built to last. The New Jedi Order that allowed people to marry, wasn’t overly restrictive like the old one, but still held people on convictions which made it more stable and morally grounded than the Sith. 

3. New Jedi Order

The New Jedi Order is something we completely missed out on in the new trilogy. This order was more like an extended family. People looked out for each other and did what they believed was right. Sometimes it still came with harsh lectures and hard lessons however; the structure of this order was less rigid. The members were allowed to marry and attachments were allowed though people were advised to keep those attachments under control. 

A big difference between this order and the old one was that there was more choice. They still stood out from the Sith because they had convictions in what was morally wrong and right. These jedi still lived as public servants, monks, and heroes. However, the Jedi were also allowed to look after themselves a bit more (to a healthy extent). 

Another key difference between these Jedi is they were more independent from the Republic. While this was also true for some of the first Jedi, we notice that the Order becomes very dependent on the Republic during the timeline leading up to the Prequels. In the first three films, the Jedi are basically government agents. In Legends, the New Jedi Order might not agree to join the Republic in a war or with their methods of solving a conflict. Though it may have seemed the Jedi had a choice in the Prequels, it also seemed like the two groups never went against each other.

The Jedi often stated their allegiance was to the Republic and Democracy. While the Jedi in Legends seem to be more loyal to their fundamental beliefs than anything else. The Jedi during the Prequels don’t seem to differentiate the two. 

4. Lumiya

Lumiya is one of the most distinct villains in Star Wars. She is a brutal, determined, fast, and unusually strong female warrior. Lumiya can be seen using a combination of a defensive fighting style, deadly melee attacks to keep her enemies at bay, advanced acrobatics to keep herself from being pinned down, and deadly force attacks. Lumiya uses force choke, force lightning, force slam, and force pull (to disarm opponents or pull them into fatal attacks) in battle. 

Lumiya gives characters like Luke and Mara competitive fights in the Sequel novels. Lumiya has undergone some gruesome medical interventions and enhancements that have made her superhuman. This is a theme we see with many villains in Star Wars such as Darth Vader, Darth Malak, General Grievous, and Durge. Even so, Lumiya stands out for being a female villain with these traits. 

Lumiya isn’t only an excellent fighter, she also is a manipulative individual. We could see Lumiya using force illusions and dream interference to get in her enemies’ heads. I’d like to see a Lumiya who doesn’t tolerate failure and brutally executes members who come up short. 

5. Legends Thrawn

While Thrawn is in Star Wars Rebels, he is even deadlier in Legends. Legends Thrawn isn’t deadlier because he fights better. Infact, he never really shoots or beats people up. Legends Thrawn is deadlier because he wins nearly every mission and is always a step ahead of his enemies. Thrawn in Rebels wasn’t convincing enough for many fans and most of his victories in the show seemed to be hallow. 

A legends series allows us to see a Thrawn who gives the heroes several burning defeats and causes them to clearly struggle every time he goes up against them. 

6. Master Organa

While Leia remains a senator in Legends like Canon, the Legends depiction allows us to see Leia fighting as an actual Jedi. Leia never focused as much in lightsaber combat as Luke or Mara Jade but she still was capable of giving her enemies a good fight. One thing canon got right that we also should see in the legends series is that Leia was the soul of the New Republic. 

7. Kyle Katarn

Kyle is the legendary Jedi battlemaster. He has a cool Wolverine-style personality except he’s funnier. Katarn is a tough guy who can also use a classic sarcastic sense of humor like Obi Wan. Katarn has elements of Obi Wan and Han Solo in him. Katarn was once an imperial agent before he became a rebel spy who played a major role in the acquisition of the Death Star’s plans. 

Katarn discovered the Empire’s Dark Trooper program, which was a program that secretly made several killer droids for the Empire. Katarn destroyed the Dark Trooper models that he encountered. 

8. World Devastators

World devastators are epic Imperial killing and planet draining machines. To me, these are just as cool as the Death Stars.

9. Liberation of Coruscant 

Here lies an epic event that has never been depicted in canon. I’d love to see this as the final battle of the first season of a legends sequel tv series. We’ve never seen millions of rebels and imperials going at it on ground in an epic city space. I’d like to see a Space battle that is large with several ships on both sides just going at each other without any death stars making things more complicated. 

It doesn’t just have to be standard stormtroopers and rebel commandos shooting each other. We can see scout trooper snipers firing at them from rooftops, imperial gunners on e-web turrets, imperial ground vehicles vs rebel ground vehicles, Luke leading the Republic charge on the ground, Wedge doing damage in space, imperial jetpack troopers ambushing rebel teams, and imperial shock troopers in action.

The imperial shock troopers I mentioned are heavy troopers from Canon. We’ve noticed that Canon has taken from Legends, so seeing Legends do the same is fair game.

10. Jerec

Jerec is Kyle’s classic and legendary rival. Jerec was a Sith Inquisitor and sharp duelist (like Dooku). Jerec studied the ancient arts of the Sith Lords and several of his inquisitors attempted to hunt Katarn down as he investigated their evil project. The Sith were becoming stronger as they studied ancient Sith knowledge in forgotten temples. While this may sound similar to Kanan’s battle with the Inquisitors in Star Wars Rebels, this plays out much more intensely.

Kyle fought the Sith one by one on his own and defeated each one of them as well as their imperial allies before facing Jerec. The amount of heat he was directly taking is greater than even what we see from Cal in Fallen Order, but the last battle between Jerec and Katarn is one of the best in Star Wars history. Another thing that makes Jerec special is that he’s a blind darksider.

Something about Jerec gives me X-Men and Dooku vibes. 

11. Yuuzhan Vong

Imagine an army of strong force-resistant warriors. The Vong use organic creatures a vehicles, are more durable than most races, have super strength, and are a well-trained warrior race. The Vong are deadly even without weapons due to their sharp claws and teeth. Standard Vong weapons may consist of spears, toxic gas, energy beams, and deadly creatures. I’d like to see the Vong use bright energy flares to blind their enemies in battle and a variant of Vong warriors with attachable wings (basically a more intimdiating type of jet trooper).

12. Desann

Desann is a physically intimidating, tall, strong, and ruthless villain. This reborn Sith Lord has an epic voice and unique design that make him worthy. It would be nice to see him on the big screen.

13. Liberation of Kamino

A clash between the Rebels and Imperials on Kamino is another epic battle that we’re currently missing out on.

14. Storm Commandos

We haven’t seen enough of these elite imperials. While Death Troopers are brutal body guards and shock troopers in canon; the storm commandos are counterguerilla experts. Storm commandos are among the most intelligent, adaptive, and tactical warriors in Star Wars. Storm commandos look like scout troopers with slick black armor. Storm commandos use a wide variety of weapons from e-11 blasters, to t-21 ranged blasters, to dlt-19 heavy blasters, to flamethrowers, to sniper rifles, and so on.

They sport weapons like ec grenades, mines, virboblades, smoke grenades, etc. In Legends, Luke seems to have a few encounters with them.

15. Shadow Stormtroopers

While the shadow stromtroopers are shown in Star Wars Battlefront 2015′s campaign they would make for good opponents for Luke Skywalker. I’d also love to see them taking out several New Republic Troopers in battle. Shadow stormtroopers are highly accurate imperial marksmen who have advanced HUDs and armor that can become invisible. 

Shadow stormtroopers look like standard stormtroopers but they have black armor. 

16. More of Wedge

In Legends, they greatly expanded on the story of Wedge Antilles. I was already a fan of his when I saw him in Star Wars A New Hope. Seeing more of Wedge is a must in Star Wars.

17. More Lando

Lando is another top-tier Star Wars character who could use more screen time. While canon is giving him his own series, you never can have too much Lando.

18. New Republic/Rebel Special Forces

This was a special aspect of legends that has been missed out on in canon. Bring them back!

19. More Battles

Though I mentioned two specific battles, seeing the New Republic vs the Imperial Remnant will allow us to see more battles. This is something the Sequel Trilogy was lacking. We can now see battles with imperials and new sith vs new republic troopers and jedi. These battles take place both on ground and in space.