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wroteclassicaly · 2 years ago

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Sometimes

(Eddie Munson x Fem!Reader)

Summary: Sometimes, the only remedy for a bad day is Eddie Munson.

Pairings: Eddie Munson x Female Reader

Warnings: Language, vaginal fingering, vaginal sex, dom!Eddie, brat taming, slight breeding kink, some aftercare, fluff, oral sex, and MORE!

A/N: Hi! I know I owe y’all Virgin!Eddie, among other things, but since I’ve been having a tough time at work (and I know y’all can relate), I thought this is more fitting? It’s just a domestically soft Eddie and comfort filth, lol. I posted the teaser for it last night! Hope y’all enjoy? Much ❤️

~*~

Eddie can see it within your eyes that you are attempting to conceal your negative energies. The thing is, he doesn’t want that. It’s a pact of honesty that you two share, even before you became a couple. Be honest. No more, no less.

Okay, maybe more. Sometimes…

But today you’re not abiding by said pact. No, on this Autumn afternoon in Hawkins, Indiana, you are storming into Eddie’s trailer after your shift ends, and immediately making a beeline for the chilled wine his Uncle Wayne (you adore that man) keeps in stock for you. Eddie approaches with caution, not really out of fear, but respect for your boundaries as a whole individual. He knows when his antics aren’t needed.

Sometimes…

You’re just finishing up brimming your chipped mug full when Eddie enters the cove of the small kitchen. He’s a sinful sight for your sore eyes. Black slacks hang off his hips, chain wallet tucked safely into his back pocket, opposite that bandana peeking out of the other side, a charcoal flannel undone three, maybe four buttons, rolled up at the sleeves, helping to accessorize his tattoos and that chain link bracelet, his signature rings adorning his fingers, and something new. It shines against that slight tuft of chest hair, nestled between his collar bones, drawing attention to your leftover hickies from last night. Frowning, your cup being settled behind you is an echo as you make your way into Eddie’s airspace, immediately invaded by hair gel, cigarettes, cinnamon from his earlier edible baking activities, and that musky cologne scent he has taken to using lately.

You can’t resist, his curiosity causing a glow to shadow his chocolate irises with amusement. He speaks before you. “Yes?”

“What is that?” You’re reaching into his shirt and fondling the jewelry, letting its cool material drape over your fingers.

“Oooh, come home to steal a feel? Am I that cheap to you, sweetheart?”

You stare at him with point blank annoyance, yet a hunger that knows no bounds. Familiar, always like coming home and being held in the softest bed, with the warmest blankets and the fluffiest pillows. Only, Eddie’s chest is your bed, his body heat is your blanket, and those arms usually end up as your pillows. You flick the chain, fingers hovering over his undone top, peering into the fabric and seeking out what he’d never let himself not remember to wear.

“If you’re tryna undress me, just say the word, baby. You know I can put on a good show for you—“

You press a finger to his lips. “Will you shut up, please?”

He growls and nips the skin of your digit, making you raise a brow. “Eddie, where’s your pick? And what is with this?” You shake his new necklace in slight exasperation, emphasizing your need to know.

He catches on, smirking. “Oh, you mean this little ol’ thing?” He adds two of his own fingers next to yours, wiggling the chain off your grasp and jiggling it into his palm.

When you pinch the bridge of your nose, he gives.

“Pawn shop downtown. Remember I was going to see about some newer amps? Just caught my eye, s’ all. Pick is in my room, safe and sound with Sweetheart. She needed the company anyways.” A brief pause. “You sayin’ you don’t like it?”

Your mood is briefly obliterated at his slight anxieties. He’s so cute that your knees feel shaky and weak, butterflies on a slip and slide around your tummy. You hook a finger beneath the silver and tug him forward, nose nudging his own. “Quite the contrary, Munson.”

He hums an appreciative understanding, licking his pearly whites as your noses swipe across the other on the break away. You want to bite him… all over. He’s crashing your horny thoughts, motioning to your forgotten cup. You’re still holding his accessory, eyes wandering to where he’s directing.

“Bad day?” His voice is a comforting rasp, soaked in honey and soothing your every need.

You can only nod, pressing your forehead into your own knuckles, trapping your hand between your face and his chest. You’re mumbling unintelligible snark and becoming anxiety ridden once more. Eddie feels the tension before he sees it, his arms winding around you and beginning to knead at the large knots he finds. It worries him when you still don’t answer. He can’t say he isn’t prone to pushing, because he’s been vocal and without tact when it’s most appropriate.

Sometimes…

“Princess?”

You pull away from the safe confines of his soft tummy, his welcomed arms, and freshly laundered (so he did remember to do the laundry today) flannel, going back to your mug with your back facing your boyfriend. Taking an opening, albeit, brief — Eddie presses his chin over top of your shoulder, his arms sliding around your waist, clasping his fingers together above your navel. The silence of your sips are what you hear for the next few minutes, along with that coo coo clock Wayne had just bought last week at a Yardsale. Eddie, of course, breaks it first. “Honey?”

Leaning forward and out of his hold, you rinse your mug and leave it for a later washing, bypassing Eddie and heading to your shared (you’re here most days) bedroom. He runs a hand through his shaggy curls, following hot on your heel. Your back is facing him when he enters the doorway, fingertips tapping idle beats on the framework. You can feel his doe eyed stare on your back and it only presses the guilt further into your stomach, which is summoning more irritation. Heaving in a deep sigh, you swivel on bare feet, toes curling in the carpet.

“Eddie, what do you want me to tell you? It’s not even that big of a deal, okay?”

“No, Y/N.” Forgoing pet names in favor of your real name, you know you’ve upset him. “Remember what we—“ He motions between the two of you with his hand, before continuing. “agreed on?”

You roll your eyes and that darkness begins to simmer behind his irises. You lick your lips before you can even think twice about the implications the action will cause. He steps forward on worn combat boots, swaying into your space. “So we’re going to act like a fuckin’ brat today, huh?”

“Maybe I will. What are you gonna do about it, Eddie?” It’s a huffing challenge as you attempt to meet his lanky stance, putting emphasis on his name.

“Sweetheart… you’re makin’ it real hard not to bend you over and split your cunt apart on my cock. But you know that, don’t you?” His pupils are dilating, leaving behind specks of maple.

“And if I do?”

Eddie tuts, finger filtering beneath your chin. “Doesn’t change the fact that you’re sassing me every time I ask you what’s goin’ on. And while I find your cock thirst endearing, your well being is priority here.”

Inhaling a jagged line of air, you fold onto your mattress. “I know, I know. We agreed to tell each other if shit was wrong.”

Eddie kneels in front of you, taking your hands in his, thumbs rubbing your palms. “Your bullshit day is my bullshit day, baby. Whatever is going on, I want to know about it, yeah?”

“But it’s so stupid, Eds—“

“Hey, look at me, princess.” His tone leaves no room for argument. You do as told and then he’s continuing. “Nothing about you or your life is stupid. If you feel somethin’ then you need to feel it with that whole heart of yours. Then we can worry about shuttin’ off this brain, cause’ she’s always on the run.”

Your eyelids flutter closed as Eddie zones in on you, large hands cupping your cheeks, nose smooshing yours. Your fingers find that silver chain, pulling.

“I had a bad day.” you whisper.

Eddie strokes his thumb pad along your brow bone, lips plush and parched, aching to be kissed, or is that you between your thighs? He nods. “And how can we make it better?”

Teamwork work and togetherness, another mantra Eddie has for you two.

Eddie Munson may play dumb, but he isn’t ignorant. He’s well aware of what you want. What you need. His thumb swipes down your cheek and finds the corner of your mouth, sinking inside. You suck on the digit, tasting nicotine and nutmeg.

You begin a swirling rhythm around his calloused digit, fingers curling underneath the chain and into his chest hair, scratching at his flesh. He’s closing his eyes and taking it in, groaning. You’re one pleased cookie. Humming around him, you release it, hand climbing from his sternum to his neck, pushing up and through his shaggy mane, tugging until his neck is bared and offered to you. He hisses through clenched teeth. “Atta girl, take what you fuckin’ need. Gonna help my pretty love forget all about this shit day.”

You’re like a woman starved, desperation slapping you in your cunt. Eddie is smirking at your impatience to getting his shirt unbuttoned, but he doesn’t help you, privy to your momentary desire to lead. When it’s finally off and pooling onto the floor, you can hardly deal with the debaucherous sight in front of you. That silver chain is thick around his neck, not too much, but enough, showcasing all of his delicious tattoos. You’re panting heavily, eyes blurring with tears of raw want.

Eddie is glad he decided to trade an older amp to afford the new piece, admiring your shameless observation of him, as if he’s your meal and you’re about to descend like a vulture. However, you’re a goddess, a strength for those around you (Eddie included), so vulture isn’t a correct comparison. Your pupils are gone beneath two black oceans, a ravenous gravity sucking you into Eddie. He’s waiting…jugular exposed for your taking. You launch into him full on, chest to chest, and you take.

Your mouth is biting a pattern of plum colored bruises up the hollow of his neck, flicking your tongue across his jugular, sucking his Adam’s apple, enjoying its bobbing beneath your muscle. Your left hand cups his necks’ nape, the other remaining fisted in his chain. He’s whimpering appreciatively, swelling in the confines of his sleek slacks. “Oh, fuck. That’s it, sweetheart. Show me who I belong to.”

That really revs your engine, your posture caving in and falling back onto the bed, taking him between your knees as he hovers, his necklace pressing into your mouth in a brief dangle. He giggles, poking your nose, lacing his hands through yours and pinning them above you, burrowing that plump set of lips under your jawline.

“Eds… Yeah, Eddie. Fuck, baby boy.” Your pleas go straight to his dick, which he takes your hand and slithers it down to cup over his bulge, rutting against the friction. He chokes out that little moan he does, it vibrating off your throat.

“You want me, m’lady? Want me to pry open these perfect thighs and fuck you nice and slow, fuck you good and stupid for me?”

You whine, arching with a sting to your spine at the steep angle. Eddie grips your chin, rings jutting into the skin. “I asked you a question, sweetheart.”

“You know I need you, Eds. Want…” And you stop yourself, heart rate slowing, body feeling as if you’ve tumbled down a cliff and are free falling. It’s pretty clear the exact craving you’ve just realized you’re having to have. But you’re unsure about Eddie’s reaction, or if he’ll be upset. After all, you’ve never been risky in that way.

Eddie sees the change immediately and picks himself up, bringing you along. “Honey, what’s wrong? And please, please don’t say ‘nothing’. Don’t bullshit me, babe, cause’ I know you better than the back of my own hand, and that sucker has seen some shit in his time.”

“It’s nothing bad.” you start. “At least, I don’t think so…”

He frowns. “Is it… y’ know, hanky panky related?” He says the words in a teasing depth, making you lose yourself in a giggle. It helps tremendously. You incline your head in a manner that tells him, yes, it is indeed.

“Then lay it on me. Literally. I’m all yours, babe.” He entwines his fingers with yours, bringing them to his mouth to press chaste kisses to.

There’s a roaring that’s pummeling your adrenaline, heart beat thumping in your ears, a cold chill brushing your flesh. You let yourself swallow once for good measure, tongue licking your lips, and then you release it into the open air.

“Eddie, I want you to cum inside of me. No condom this time, just you.” You look at him beneath your lashes, vision hazy, heart rate stalled, caught between the sheets with baited breath as you await his answer.

Eddie’s surprise is evident on his face. A thoughtful pause, a lip purse, and then his tongue is poking out in concentration. And as if it’s not anymore possible than it’s already been shown — his pupils expand, leaving murky caverns in their wake. He inhales sharply, beginning to lean in to cage you like fresh prey, his tone raspy and compliant. “It’s pretty dangerous letting a guy like me fuck you without protection, don’t you think? I mean… what if I put a little one in here?” He touches your tummy over the t-shirt you’re wearing.

“Then she or he will have the prettiest eyes and the curliest hair. But we don’t have to worry about that right now. I’m on the pill too, remember? We’re just… taking away one layer?” Is your automatic response, trembling into his hold, burning up at the thought of his child growing inside you, making something that’s yours and his alone. You think about it. Eddie thinks about it.

Sometimes…

Eddie, still trapped in motion due to his surprise at your proposition, is having a hard time not pouncing on you and pounding you into the mattress on the spot. He slides between your split knees, thumbs brushing along each corner of your mouth. You don’t have to say anything more to convince him, his unbearable hardness is proof enough. Your hands fumble behind you to slip underneath your top and fling it off, it landing somewhere in the room. Eddie attacks your exposed shoulder, snapping his fingers beneath your bra strap and tugging it down until it slips off.

You hold him to your bosom by the back of his neck, helping yourself to pulling on his hair, enjoying the tresses weaving in between your fingers. His new chain traces along your skin as it dangles, drags, a cool stimulant. You let him work on your jawline and neck with that god given mouth full of perfection and promise, working your spare hand down and into your pants, going straight inside your soaked underwear. It’s a sweet sigh that tumbles from your mouth when you make contact with your clit, swirling a bit of slick around the bud and mewling. Eddie’s smacking noises cease, his eyes drifting to your naughty show.

He’s marveling. “Fuck. Yeah, that’s right, sweetheart. Play with your little pussy for me.”

“So fucking wet for you it’s disgusting, baby boy.” You coo, yanking at his stray curl.

He drops his nose to yours, sharing trickles of hot air onto your mouth from his. “Add a finger inside of yourself.”

He peers to watch your hand shift and that overly embarrassing first squelch inside is loud. Eddie takes your mouth roughly, rolling his hips into your trapped hand, thrusting for a form of relief, whatever that may be.

“Don’t have to be jealous of your pretty little fingers when they get to fuck that cunt, cause’ now I’ll know how it feels with —“ He nips your neck. “nothing but skin.”

“Where you belong…” You trail off into a simpering whimper.

“Just think about how you’re gonna feel every single inch of me, Y/N.” It’s a quiet beat and Eddie is flipping you with that hidden strength he possesses, tugging your legs off the bed. Hand still in your panties, on your stomach, you don’t stop touching yourself for him, lifting your hips so he can take off your pants and panties, as you greedily thrust that finger in and out of your cunt.

“You’re not sharing.” You are well aware he is staring, but you’re far too gone, especially within this vivid position.

“Eat me, Munson.” You pant, adding a second finger, trying to get yourself ready to take him.

“Why? You want me to, brat?”

Your eyes widen and you don’t have time to answer, Eddie’s hands hoisting your knees into a propped position, backhanding your ass cheek, the flesh taking the brunt of his rings. He buries his face into your dripping cunt, biting your fingers as they slip from you, mumbling about how you bugged him to do the laundry and now you’re both gonna destroy the clean sheets. You only respond by reaching back and pulling his face into you, no longer shy about taking what you want, what’s yours. Eddie is slurping sloppily, smothering himself in your juices, encouraging you to ride his face like it’s your last day on earth. With your hand on the mattress, the other threading through his long locks, you rock your hips until it burns to stay upright, that tightening knocking on your abdomen far quicker than you’re prepared for.

You begin to shake, thighs closing around his head, messing the blankets up from your burrowing ride. “M’ gonna cum on your mouth, Eds. Please, please.

His answer is to add in two of his fingers, sucking your clit in between those plump lips. Your vision swims with shapes as you hold yourself, rubbing your cunt over that slight stubble, riding his fingers, his rings catching on your labia only adding to your climax. Eddie’s downright moaning into your pussy when you cum, releasing your grip on his mane and falling forward in the beginning stages of exhaustion. You roll back over onto your back, clad in just your bra, knees wide open, a smile decorating your wet mouth. Eddie is bursting at his very seams, pride and love for you, pure adoration.

He climbs over top of you, slotting himself between your thighs, hand cradling your jaw and fingers splaying over your ear, his mouth and chin covered in your arousal. He grins and you stifle a giggle, kissing him, palming his rock hard cock over the slacks. “Poor baby, do you need somethin’?”

Eddie licks his teeth, pins your hands above your head. “Mouthy little witch. My own personal enchantress, the way you tease me so.”

“I can tell it’s… hard to take.” You wiggle a suggestive brow.

Eddie releases your hands, then lifts you enough to unsnap your bra, choosing that as his comeback to your continuous sass. You’re completely nude under him, nipples reacting to the temperate change and stimulating drag of his chest across yours, chest hair tickling you. You take the opportunity to work on his pants, getting them down with his boxers, his cock getting caught on the fabric. You give it a gentle tug and it’s slapping against his stomach, smearing pre-cum in his happy trail. You can’t stop yourself from what’s to come, imagining how warm it’ll feel, how his cum will soak your walls, furthering his claim.

You slide his cock through your folds, slapping it into the wetness, pushing the soft head against your clit and closing your legs. You can’t speak, it’s all so much right now. Luckily, Eddie takes care of that for you both.

“S’ a real good girl. Letting me cum in your pussy like this.” He’s watching your movements, stomping his legs in kicks and getting his remaining clothing off, holding himself up on his palms, working his cock back and forth in your swollen folds. It’s a sticky, dripping mess.

Normally, this is the point Eddie would reach for a condom, but instead, he looks towards the drawer. “Still okay if I take you without one, sweetheart?”

You nod. “Wanna see you, though.”

Eddie reluctantly pries himself away, hobbling rather comically into a cross-legged position, holding himself at the patch of dark curls. “Come and take your seat, baby.”

That pitter patter latches onto your insides, yanking them into your ass. You feel your cunt drizzling your slick as you make your way towards Eddie and climb onto his lap, locking your ankles around his waist, shifting just so. He taps his fingertips against the swell of your breast. “Don’t hold your breath, baby. Don’t close your eyes, either. I want you to look at me when I put my dick inside of you.”

“O-okay. Hurry, I need you, baby boy.”

You spread your labia apart as Eddie complies, tapping the head around your opening, pushing it past the muscle and into the soft, slippery heat of your cunt. It hurts, badly. This deep angle, the defined stretch you get off on. And there’s no barrier to get in the way. It’s all Eddie, it’s all you.

His eyes are wide and his jaw is slack. His abdomen tenses, muscles flexing. He pulsates inside you the second his balls rest against your ass. Your quivering breaths are broken and speech is beyond your capabilities. Eddie snatches your hands that have unknowingly clenched into the bedsheets beside you, squeezing, forehead dropping atop yours.

His lips pucker for an easy kiss, nuzzling your nose. “Holy Christ, baby. I can’t believe how fuckin’ warm and wet it is in here.”

You don’t mean to, but you clamp down on him, causing him to rock his hips and a hiss leaves your mouth. “Shit, shit. We just gotta stay still for a few, yeah? Don’t wanna hurt you, princess. And m’ in pretty deep this time.”

You whine in agreement, eyes trailing down to the chain that rests between your breasts that stay squished into Eddie’s tattooed chest. You don’t dare look away, both of you wanting to partake in the intensity of this intimacy. Eddie holds you, peppering kisses here and there on your face and neck until the burn dulls into that aching sting. He cups your jaw, stroking his fingers along your jugular. “Ready to be fucked raw?”

His double ended meaning has you snorting, purposely bearing down on him and rolling your hips. A combined gasp is heard. It’s the fullest you’ve felt, and the most safe. Eddie is thick and hot inside you, nestled heavily in the sopping wet confines of your walls. It’s overwhelming and he knows it too. Placing one hand on your lower back, the other keeping yours held, he tilts his head as if to ask permission. “Yeah?”

“Fuck this bad day right outta your brat, Eds. Cum in her greedy little pussy. Show her who owns it.” You finger the chain with your spare hand, nails scratching at Eddie’s knuckles, circling the ring shapes that adorn his fingers.

“You and that nasty mouth, princess. Remind me to fuck it later, hmm?”

Difficult to establish in this new position you’ve rarely tried, it takes a few minutes to gain a rhythm that is driving Eddie as deep as he can go, his cock nailing that spongey spot inside of your cunt. It takes everything in you to hold on and to not push him on his back and have your way with him like your own personal rodeo. His chest is perspired and flushed, his freckles more prominent, his pupils reflective through the haze of his lust, and his curls tangle to his forehead. He’s giving slowly, languid thrusts that wreck you from head to toe, and you are beckoned into his every push on your waist, guiding you through.

Your toes are curling, a cold tingle snapping at your thighs, blood rushing, heart rate churning. Eddie lets go of your connected hands to accompany the feeling of your oncoming orgasm, as he recognizes the familiar signs, and feels you getting tighter around him, drowning his dick in your cream. His strokes your clit with expertise, mouth hovering over yours, just so. “Know you’re gonna cum, princess. You’re so fucking wet that I don’t think I can last much longer for you.”

You knot your grip into his hair, tugging it to the side and licking a crude stripe up his neck, finding the shell of his ear. “Then lay me down and… what were your words again? Fuck me stupid?”

Eddie makes a rogue noise, falling back onto the bed and shoving you beneath him, nudging your legs apart roughly, holding his soaked dick and pressing it back into you. His slick covered happy trail drags your clit with every upstroke and it’s totaling you, your eyes rolling back. Eddie is cursing, powering through it. “Yeah, sweetheart. That’s it, wanna know how it feels like this when you cum. Just like that.”

Your back arches, legs lifting around Eddie’s slender waist, hands clenching into his shoulder blades, and that coil tightens into such a sharp ache that your eyes fill with tears and you cry out his name like a mantra on the day of worship. “Eddie, Eddie, Eddie!”

Your orgasm pouring over his cock is enough to smack his insides into a frenzy. He reaches for your breasts, palms them, then seeks out your hands. He’s extra needy. That means he’s close, right there.

“I’m… Y/N, baby. Can I, PLEASE?”

“Cum inside me, Eds. Come on, baby boy.” You lick at his mouth, his stuttering hips stalling and his ass flexing beneath your ankles.

You cry out when he tenses up and throbs, a warmth spurting thickly throughout your cunt, mixing in with your orgasm, Eddie letting a drawn out moan work itself from the depths of his diaphragm. Too fucking good to speak anything but a broken syllable of your name. “Y/N…”

He falls into your body, sex tainted skin sticking together, hearts racing wildly. You brush his hair back, kissing the crown of his forehead. He pecks your neck, fitting his face into the curvature of your neck and shoulder. Neither of you say anything, enjoying the sound of the Autumn breeze outside and labored breathing attempting to stabilize. It goes on like that for what feels like hours, but Eddie lifts his head to check in with you.

“Are we feeling any better?”

Sometimes… Eddie Munson is all you need to make a bad day better.

~*~

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oatmealcrisp-freak · 2 years ago

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i got 2 for yes so throws this at you then retreats

Everything was wonderful but-

Hiroshi tucked the official looking letter into his backpack just in case he’d need it, the one that detailed he was to take his exams in the gymnasium of a different highschool called Juuban, the address, the time. It was going to be an all day hell marathon instead of spread out over a couple days, because PK could only monopolize a different school’s facilities for so long. Hiroshi was glad he was taking the bare minimum of classes he needed to graduate.

He surprised himself by being nervous. Of course it was normal to be nervous about exams, that wasn’t the part that was surprising, but he was worried about, well.

About seeing Suzuki again.

Hiroshi hadn’t really made an attempt to reach out to the friend that’d set Kusuo up and pinned it on himself. He hadn’t had the balls, honestly, and he’d been kinda afraid.

He was still pissed.

Suzuki, of course, hadn’t made any efforts either. Shinji had the air of a guy caught in the middle and trying not to think about it too hard, so Hiroshi didn’t bother bringing it up.

‘I’ll just give him the cold shoulder,’ Hiroshi decided, packing his lunch and a water bottle, jamming it into the fullness of crumpled papers and who knew what else. ‘The last thing I need is to get into a fight on exam day.’

The note taped to his lunchbox wishing him good luck was one he smiled at but barely read.

He had a boyfriend to go pick up after all, so Hiroshi swung his bag over his shoulder and ran for his bike. There were better things to look forward to than former friends.

~~~

“So are you feeling ready, Aren?”

Aren cringed. On seeing that, Nendo laughed and stretched out his arms toward the sun.

“It’s too bad you guys aren’t geniuses like me! I got this in the bag.”

Shun’s turn to cringe. “Nendo, just because you scored the same as Saiki last time doesn’t-” He stopped himself and dropped his head, sighing hard. “Nevermind, there’s no point. Well, at least I’ll have something to look forward to when my mama compares my grades to your so called ‘genius’.”

He grinned at the thought. Maybe that would help to get his mama off his back a little. But it might also mean that if she saw reality she’d force him to stop hanging out with Nendo and why was his tummy getting all tight and hot and bothered like that was a bad thing?

Wasn’t like he liked the big lug!

Or, well… Shun considered the aching in his stomach and decided he’d think about that more later. He was almost a highschool graduate, just one semester away if he passed this hell day of finals.

It was time to start working on making his own decisions more.

“Well,” Shun reached up to pat at Aren’s shoulder, the lack of bandages meaning the texture of his friend’s uniform felt odd and new and a little overmuch. He squeezed anyway, trying to be a reassuring friend. “We studied so much! I’m sure you’ll do fine!”

Aren smiled weakly and scratched at his head. “Yeah, maybe. I dunno, man, it’s like. I know it. I know my stuff. But when I sit down in front of the exam it all just,” His hands made a spreading gesture. “Fucks off!”

Grimacing, Shun nodded. He could relate to that, but he knew exactly what his problem was - sheer, unbridled anxiety, fear of failure, and the fear of letting down his entire family with one bad test score that could turn into two, into three, and anyways, it was sorta weird to hear that coming from Aren though. He’d never of expected Aren to have anxiety or anything like that at all, the guy was so big, strong, and confident…

But Shun hadn’t expected Saiki to be any of the things Saiki had been in front of him in the past month or so either, so.

‘Something something assumptions, right?’

“Yall just need to relax!”

Shun let a whumph as a rock solid arm slung around him, just about hoisting him up in a not-unfamiliar gesture of Nendo’s regular exuberance. This time Aren was getting it too, though, and Nendo’s burly face lowered into his sight with a great big smile.

“It’s like taking a shit! Aint nothin gonna come out if you’re squeezed up tight and holding it in!”

There was a lot of things going on in Shun’s body right now. Why did Nendo have to be so gross all the damn time!? Stomach curdling, Shun took a breath to yell-

And paused. And even around the dripping sensation of repulsion oozing down his brain, clarity sank in, and he registered exactly what it was that Nendo had said. With a groan that sounded as gurgling as his stomach felt, he dragged a hand down his face.

Under Nendo’s other arm, Aren started to laugh in helpless sobbing bleats. Good thing Nendo was holding onto him otherwise the former delinquent would be sprawling on the gro-nope, nevermind, there he went, slumping into a puddle of airless guffaws that sounded like they hurt.

Well la dee da for him because personally speaking, Shun was struggling.

Deeply.

“Nendo,” He wrestled himself away and rasped his fist across the burl of Nendo’s bicep, “You big lug it doesn’t work like that, you can’t just take a-” Shun hiccuped and ground his teeth and forced it out, his face hot and his hands wild. “A stool softener for your brain you jackass!”

Nendo blinked at him, casual and unaffected per his usual when he wasn’t being a brat. He looked at Aren on the ground. “Hey new kid, aint that whats coffee for?”

Shun was going to fucking die, he needed to escape this entire thing right now, Aren could fend for himself the traitor. Spinning on his heel he made it only a few more feet toward Saiki’s house, their destination, before he noticed something and paused.

“Oh hey isn’t that-?”

Yeah, Saiki’s new boyfriend, a grin on his damp tan skin, on a bicycle, and Saiki on the back of it with an expression so glazed and fluff stricken it looked as though all his dreams had come true at once.

Shun blinked and by the time he opened his eyes again the pair was gone.

Absent, a smile touched his face.

In the sky, the sun was bright and unshrouded in the vast expanse of blue, the horizon bending round beneath his feet, and Shun felt at once connected and distance.

Things had changed.

But that was okay.

A little dizzy he spun around with a smile.

“Think if we run we can beat them to school?”

Nendo blinked before his face warped into his fiercest, shadowed grin. He scooped Aren off the ground and held out a hand to Shun.

“Hop on, Pipsqueak!”

With a grin of his own, Shun took the burly hand and hopped to it. Lifted to Nendo’s shoulder with ease he turned and jabbed a finger at the omnipresent sky.

“Onwards, ho!”

“Did you just call me a ho?”

Shun flinched. “What, no not like that it mea-” He clapped a hand on his face. “They’re gonna win, just go!”

~~~

The clouds weren’t in a hurry, which was fine because neither were they.

Kusuo couldn’t remember a time where he’d ever felt so flustered and relaxed in his life.

“You okay back there?”

Of course he was. There wasn’t a bump in the road that could aggravate his stomach, not like this.

‘What sort of face must I be making right now?’

Whatever one Hiroshi could see in his rear view mirror, Kusuo was certain it was embarrassing but, somehow, he just couldn’t bring himself to care.

It was Hiroshi.

He didn’t want to hide around Hiroshi.

It was really something right out of a glitzy star kissed fantasy, the kind of one Kusuo would barely admit to himself under the darkness of his blankets for the impossibility of it but here he was, sitting on the back of Hiroshi’s bike as they rode to take their exams. It was a cliche so delirious it was making Kusuo a little dizzy for getting to experience it.

Yes, here he was, riding to school on the back of his boyfriend’s bicycle.

It probably looked odd, two boys as they were, but Kusuo had definitely seen odder, and his recovery was as such that a little bit of extra mind control to keep malicious attention away from them wasn’t much a stretch. Nothing to see here that was strange, Kusuo thought with a smile as he leaned to rest his head on the back of Hiroshi’s shoulder - just two boys on a bike.

No.

There was nothing odd about that at all.

Except-

Sundrops and lollipops evaporated from Kusuo’s head, his eyes snapping open.

“Whoa!” Hiroshi yelped and leaned to blink over his handlebars as the bike they were on lifted gradually into the sky.

He looked over his shoulder at the boy behind him. “Uhm. Kusuo?”

“Cops,” Kusuo might’ve hissed, just a bit, and to that Hiroshi said, “Ah.”

Then he blinked. “Wait-”

Kusuo scratched his cheek and his telepathy came out in a mumble that sounded chagrined. “Technically two people riding on one bike that isn’t tandem is against local bylaws.”

Hiroshi squawked and turned around fully at that, “What?!”

Kusuo nodded, and his cheeks were a rosy hue that nearly matched his hair, his eyes looking studiously away. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”

It was somehow easy to ignore the fact they were some meters above street level, idling along at a ginger pace, when Kusuo looked as cute as that. Hiroshi beamed.

“You just wanted to ride with me on my bike that badly, huh?”

Kusuo knew he’d just been reflecting on how much he wanted to be honest with Hiroshi but he still found himself hiding his face in his bag nevertheless. Still, he did manage to nod, which was a good job for him he guessed.

#freaks wips #i also got the beach scene fully written but thats gotta come after they take their exams i guess =u=#theyre going to juuban high :) instead of taking it at PK cus. cus reasons. uhuhuhu.#oh also this is pre-edit!!! so it might not be in sync w/the rest of the fic ;aldkfj

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romanceimp · 4 years ago

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Pregnant s/o hcs: Mirio, Bakugo, Todoroki, Midoriya, Iida, Tamaki

SFW, just super fluffy

Mirio:

If you don’t think this man is tearing up when you tell him... uhhh you’d be wrong

He is crying over you and so happy, will kneel and just kiss your tummy

And when you’re in bed that night going to sleep, every few minutes he will nuzzle in closer and whisper, “hey guess what? We’re gonna have a baby”

Anytime he says he loves you now he says it to your tummy too

“I love you Y/n, I love that you are mine and I love that you’re going to be the mother of my child” *bends down* “And I love you too baby”

He will have a really hard time waiting until the second trimester to tell anyone but once he is able, everyone will know, and he’s going to have a party in your honor.

He will treat you like a queen, back rubs and foot rubs...

I feel like when you first tell him you’re pregnant he will come home a few days later with a box... when you open it, it’s a maternity dress, and its actually really pretty, with lace and silk, and nice and stretchy...

“I know you don’t need it now, but I saw it when I was out and thought it would look perfect on you...”

He will compliment you every second of every day, will trace your stretch marks and tell you they make you beautiful because it’s all part of you becoming a mother, it’s a natural tattoo, a reminder of how you’re growing a life inside you

He will want to throw a gender reveal party

And no, it can’t be as simple as balloons popping out of a box, he’s gotta have something extravagant to celebrate like fireworks, monster trucks, or a paid actor dressed as a baby

You’re having his baby! This is a pinnacle moment in his life and he is not about to have some basic ass party

Mirio is definitely the kind of guy who thinks you can’t have sex because it could hurt the baby, you will have to make a very embarrassing call to your doctor about that...

He is looking forward to owning dad sandals (who are we kidding he prolly already does)

Bakugo:

This man will shit himself, make sure he is sitting down

“Bakugo... I’m pregnant”

“Hah?”

“I’m having a baby! You’re gonna be a dad”

He’s really happy and excited, he has no doubt you’ll be an amazing mom but he’s kinda worried about him being a dad...

Am I fit to raise a kid? Will I be a good dad?

He will probably start working more and almost go on over drive... He will start coming home later, picking up earlier shifts... And when you ask him, “Katsuki, are you not happy about the baby?” He will kinda break down and tell you “No of course I’m fucking happy about the baby, I just want the world to be safe for our kid... and I only have 8 months till then and-” He drops to his knees in front of you and he’s tearing up. You’ll get onto your knees too and just hug him, “Katsuki, you can’t fix the world before we have our baby,” you’ll look at him lovingly as he realizes how absurd he was being. “But we can prepare to be the best parents we can be...” “Prepare? We’re already gonna be the best parents.”

Okay, Bakugo hypes up the baby too, like...

“Katsuki, come here! The baby is kicking!” *he puts his hand on your tummy* “Baby’s so strong, just like us,” *grabs you and kisses you* “I knew we made a fucking perfect kid”

He will try kill anyone who oversteps the boundary with the bump (like touching the bump without asking)

“OI EXTRA, you wanna take your fucking hands off my woman and my kid or do I have to do that for you...”

Bakugo would be very unnecessarily competitive in birthing class

Will wake you up in the middle of the night at least once, he’s just laying on his back staring wide eyed at the ceiling... “What if I explode the baby?”

You’ll roll over and look at him annoyed, “you won't explode the baby,”

He will settle again once you give him cuddles

You cannot tell me that he would not be your biggest cheerleader when you’re actually giving birth, “PUSH, FUCKING PUSH DUMB ASS!”

Todoroki:

This man freaks out for a sec... cuz daddy issues. But he has a strong resolve so he will come out of it quickly and decide how to

“Shoto, you aren’t anything like Endeavor, you’re going to be an amazing dad”

He will be extremely happy, but his excitement will be softer

Everyday after you tell him he says you’re glowing

He will want to cook you special things because it’s healthy for the baby, or so his mother told him

Speaking of his mother, she taught him how to knit when he went to visit her in the hospital so you’ll find him knitting little hats and bootie and jackets for the baby

He will nest just as much, if not more than you do

You’ll find him awake at 3AM trying to put together some bullshit ikea thing for the baby with the tiny allen wrench they give you for free. “Shoto, come back to bed... we can do that in the morning” “But the baby needs somewhere to sleep,” “Yes, and I’m not due for another two months”

Shoto is already so soft but I think he would be softer

Like when you fall asleep on the couch, he gets home and just cuddles up to you and asks your bump how it’s day was. He will talk to the bump until you wake up and then he just pepper your face with kisses.

He is the only one of all these men who doesn’t shit himself and die when watching the birthing tape. I think he would be calm and say something like “a woman’s body is made to carry and deliver a child, there’s nothing to be frightened of.”

Midoriya:

When you tell him, he’s gonna cry

He will want to call his mom right away

Midoriya is the kinda guy to have a box of his things from when he was a kid stored away to give to his child (it’s all All Might merch but, ya know)

He definitely panics and worries if he is going to be a good father but he takes all that anxiety and just turns it into energy to care for you with

He is already signing you up for birthing classes

This man would take you to all your doctors visits, acupuncture appointments, prenatal massages, and even a strange healing session done in the back room of a health good shop (don’t worry, he checked google reviews, 346 people, and 5 stars) (You weren't sure about it at first, but you felt very at peace afterwards, def worth the 5 star review)

He just really wants you to be happy and healthy

It would be understatement to say he treats you like a queen... he treats you like a goddess, and he tells you everyday how grateful he is that you’re his love and giving him a baby. Especially when you feel insecure about how your body is changing

He will want to make the nursery Hero themed... with an All Might wall decal... you’ll eventually opt for something a little less... exuberant like jungle animals or something. But the compromise is the All Might mobil that spins and says “I am here” while playing twinkle twinkle little star.

He will read to the bump, and sing to it because he wants the baby to know his voice

Will make a ‘goodnight’ song with you for the baby to sing to it every night

Tenya:

Tenya is so excited and immediately starts thinking of things he needs to do for you and baby

The day after he will come home with a bag from the store full of prenatal vitamins and herbal teas that are safe to drink

“My love! I have brought you Evening Primrose supplements, it’s supposed to help with your delivery.”

I think he has name ideas picked out already and is very excited to show them to you. They are all related to the Iida family.

He would ask his brother for advice and would be so excited to tell him when it’s time.

Don’t even worry about pregnancy brain. Iida’s got you, he will help you remember everything you need to know and he will be patient with your cloudy thoughts.

Iida is so matter of fact tho, I can see it coming off as insensitive, especially when you’re dealing with mood swings.

“Darling, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you it’s just that those chips make your stomach hurt and I was only trying to-” “YOU JUST DONT WANT ME TO BE HAPPYYYY!!!!!!” “My darling, I want all the happiness in the world for you, you are the mother of my child, I- please don’t cry”

He really loves you a lot and he will learn to be a little gentler with you during this phase of the pregnancy

Braxton hicks contractions (the little fake contractions you get during the third trimester, closer to the due date) will send him into panic mode.

But he is also so organized that he is R E A D Y

You clutch your stomach and inhale sharply and sit down, he’s already running to get the hospital bag and getting the keys for the car.

(The hospital bag includes, diapers, baby clothes, blankets, stress balls for you to squeeze during contractions and a birth mix which includes mostly Baroque composers but theres a few taylor swift and harry styles songs because he thinks it would be cool if the baby was born to Adore You, because Iida adores you and that baby so much)

Tamaki:

He is terrified

But ultimately knowing that he has a child on the way actually does wonders for his confidence because he wants his child to have a good example and he doesn’t want the child to inherit his crippling shyness

He really is there for you and much like Shoto, shows it in a soft way

Tamaki is so food oriented already that he is especially considerate of your cravings and would probably try them, no matter how weird they are

Pregnancy makes you super hungry but thats okay because Tamaki is a brilliant cook

Tamaki is also very sensitive to the knowledge that it will change after the baby is born and that he has you all to himself for just a little while longer

He is going to take you on special weekend trips, like a sleepy beach town to just relax and eat good food

He will also take you on extra dates because he just wants to soak up your time together as a couple

He is very aware of how much work you’re doing constantly to carry his child and he will want to spoil you

“Y-you’re just so beautiful, a-and you chose me, and now you’re carrying my child...I just... I love you so much and thank you for letting me be yours b-because you make me so happy.”

He will freak out when he sees the birthing tape

“I-I am so sorry, I can’t believe I’ve put you through this... you’re- you- This is all my fault...” *panic panic panic*

But when you’re actually in labour he is very supportive, he will just apologize while you’re screaming in agony and wish there was something else he could do other than bring you ice chips...

#bnha #mha #mha hcs #bnha hcs #tamaki #iida #deku #midoriya #izuku #katsuki #bakugo #todoroki #mirio #shoto #amajiki #togota

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soft-sunflower · 4 years ago

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Flower of Evil Thoughts- Episode 9

First of all.. THE PREGNANCY FLASHBACK!!!! UGHHHH!!!! The beginning of the episode was just a HARSH slap in the face with that flashback... I got very emotional when the episode only just STARTED!!! Knowing what we know now, and how our couple currently stands just hurts so much... Their new house all decorated with lights by him, the bit where he feels Eunha kick and is so surprised by what he's feeling, and then holds her tummy and talks to their baby and his awkwardness and unsure of what to do or what to say was so beyond precious... my gosh. But seeing him talk so softly to his unborn baby, about something as simple as just hanging up wallpaper made me just... He's so careful and so gentle, and just... it HURTS. He's learned so much from her. Even though he may not understand it. It's the most precious and yet bittersweet thing. He really IS just doing everything for her. He just wants her to be happy and at peace with her life with him. I truly believe this. Even down to cooking her favorite meals because he knew she'd be craving them. My heart just is just pounding and aching for them.

OKAY the way that Hyunsoo pulled off that he was just helping Kim Moojin with something was pretty smooth, I'll give him that. Especially when he says the "Was this supposed to be a secret meeting?"He's so CAREFUL around his wife in every aspect he can be. Even down to deceiving her. Noona, you're such a sweetie but you just said a bit too much there lol. And I love how Hyunsoo instantly jumps to "Get my wife coffee and put something sweet in it." This man KNOWS his woman, and you can't tell me he doesn't. He probably knows her better than anyone, no matter how much these two deceive each other. They trio is sure being careful as best they can with the detective who's handling this case, aren't they? Carefully deceiving, even Noona is in on the deceptive stuff. Question is, how long can they keep this up?

OMG... the real Heeseong... he's awake. Dear lord, he's a wake. And trying to speak. Saying "Mom" and shedding tears. I feel sorry for him. What exactly did she do to him??? Why is he telling her it's not her fault?? What happened to put him in a coma??? And he REMEMBERS!? He remembers the person (Hyunsoo) he hit!? Do you think he even has a clue about anything or did he get put in a coma the night of the accident???

So is it a good thing or a bad thing that Jiwon can have the sound in the background of the tape analyzed?? Hmmm... And here comes Jiwon's questions that are rather loaded toward Noona. As soon as Jiwon suggests that accomplice could be Hyunsoo, Noona was quick to jump to his defense and stating that he is not the accomplice. She knows her brother. She knows what he would and would not do. Noona knows that Hyunsoo would never be capable of being their father's accomplice to murder.

Jiwon to Haesu: "I feel like the Hyunsoo you know is very different from the one I know."

You know what? He IS, Jiwon. You've taught him love and how to care for others asides from himself. Even though he may not understand his emotions and his feelings, you've taught him love, and you gave him a real family of his own that he protects and wants to keep in tact and safe. He gets so incredibly nervous every time you mention Do Hyunsoo because he so desperately does not want to lose what he has with you. That's why he keeps having anxiety and panic attacks. That's why he keeps clutching at his chest. That's why he struggles to keep his cool when you bring up that name around him. That identity that he does not want. He might have the ability to relate to others as the therapist said, but I've never seen him as the manipulative type of good people, and not for one moment do I believe he's tried to manipulate Jiwon at all.

The therapist that was convinced how he'd behave as an adult is a crock. Trying to make him out to be this truly terrible person before he's even old enough to really make adult decisions for himself? No. Just no. And why is Noona so quick to protect him once more? Saying Hyunsoo did not kill that dog? What does Noona know? Jiwon questions Noona wanting to know who did. She tells Jiwon it's obvious who did that, and the look on Hyunsoo's face screams that he's innocent, that Noona KNOWS. As soon as Jiwon brings up Do Minseok's name, and once again the look on Hyunsoo's face suggests to me that Do Minseok either MADE his son do these horrible things or he made his son watch and then forced his son to say he did these things during therapy. Did he use his own child in that manner in order to appear innocent hence the surprise from everyone that he's a serial killer? My god this poor man...

I REALLY think I'm not far off with the theory that Do Minseok made Hyunsoo do and say that he did terrible things or forced Hyunsoo to watch him do terrible things. I said it last week and I'm saying it again, because now we have Noona saying this too and seemingly confirming it. When Jiwon questions why would Hyunsoo say he did something that Do Minseok did, and you can just feel the trauma radiating off of Hyunsoo right there... was he punished if he didn't? WHAT the hell HAPPENED to this man when he was just a child!? It would seem Noona has no idea why though and why he'd take the blame for the terrible things their father did... or maybe she DOES know but is choosing not to say it so as not to bring up too much past trauma for Hyunsoo.

Haesu in general has so much trauma of her own, so much guilt and so much pent up pain... She WANTS people to know the truth. She wants them all to know that SHE killed the village foreman and NOT her brother, but Hyunsoo dives into protective brother mode to keep his Noona's secret safe once more by dumping a full cup of coffee all over Moojin's laptop (HA HA HA ASS YOU DESERVED IT AFTER ALL YOUR BS) Lmao Moojin wants to be alone with his laptop. *snorts*

Hyunsoo, I have to ask, why are you so caring and gentle with your family but can't even recognize your own emotions? Even to the point of you put your wife's seatbelt on for her because she's too shaken by everything to remember to do it herself? He really didn't like hearing that Jiwon doesn't tell him everything either. You could see he was unsettled by her saying that, but tries to brush it off. He's feeling something is off and has for a bit, but I feel he's in some kind of denial and trying to believe that everything is just fine when clearly it's not.

Hmmm do you think Noona will try and undergo hypnosis? If she does and she remembers who the accomplice was... and then if Hyunsoo doesn't need her anymore, what does she mean by she'll do what she should've done but didn't? Does she mean turn herself in? Does she mean something worse...? I'm actually REALLY afraid for her. I don't know why, I've been feeling this way for a couple of episodes now, but I just have this unsettling feeling that something bad is going to happen to her. I'm not sure what to think about her right now. There are so many questions I have raised about this girl. I hope she doesn't try to do anything... I don't know. She's just so SAD and full of emotional turmoil.

Jiwon is bringing up all kinds of old memories for Hyunsoo constantly talking about this case. He almost hits a group of people walking across the street and then notices that Jiwon isn't wearing her ring. She tells him that she got used to having it off and it's the first flicker you see from him where he looks almost hurt. Like why? She's never taken her ring off before. Why would she remove it now? What's going on? He's so confused and isn't understanding why Jiwon is being so strange, maybe even a bit cold toward him. It's hard watching this... I know what she's doing and it's not what he wants. If only she knew more and understood...

OH LOOK, it's the unfather being a shady piece of shit again. He took care of everything? What exactly does he mean by that? He took care of everything? You mean forcing an innocent man into an identity with the threat of if he didn't take it, he'd be thrown in jail because you'd get fired and lose your position in the hospital so you're salty enough to push that identity on him to keep your position safe? What a piece of garbage excuse for a human being. He was busy? That's why did not answer his phone for his only son? Busy doing WHAT? "That life can be yours too" uhhh??? He BETTER NOT try ANYTHING or do ANYTHING to hurt Hyunsoo and take Jiwon and Eunha away from him and try to give them to his real son... OMG I will RAGE.

Hyunsoo really is the ideal husband. He's truly an amazing caretaker. Raising their daughter while Jiwon works hard, works at his own business and makes enough to care of his family and hold his own, is one hell of a cook and is such an amazing father to his baby girl. He set up all kinds of lights, decorations and everything to celebrate 5 years in their home. Even if he does carry a fake name, this is him. This is who he is. He isn't ANYTHING that the world has painted him into. At all. I just wish with all my heart that Jiwon would know and understand this. I want her to know that he struggles and doesn't understand these feelings. He doesn't know what he feels is love for her and for Eunha. She's more focused on "I never once felt that way" rather than "I don't know what kind of feeling that is."

They way he said this and the way she perceives it are two majorily different things. She thinks he's "manipulated" her with fake love, but he hasn't... He doesn't know the feeling of love because he's never been taught or shown that kind of feeling... I noticed how the scene between Hyunsoo and Noona how soft his voice is when he answers he he doesn't love her, he never felt that way because he does not understand the feeling. However, how Jiwon remembers it, it comes across sharper and much more cold. Jiwon likely remembers it sounding this way because of her heartbreak and her own anger and frustration over him. Like I said, she's more focused on the fact that he said he doesn't love her, rather than focused on the fact that he does not understand the feeling of love, he doesn't know what kind of feeling it is. Jiwon... I hope you learn. I hope you understand and know. He does love you, he just doesn't understand it or acknowledge that this is what it is.

Jiwon is so back and forth that it's rather unsettling at times, but I know she's hurt. I know she's brokenhearted and in pain. I just don't really like the inconsistency in which she's being written at times, but Moon Chaewon sells it beautifully so it's acceptable. Which speaking of Jiwon, she receives the voice recording again after the static is removed and there's a 2nd man's voice. "Would you like an ashtray?" And here we go into another flashback of Hyunsoo's. He and his father at a bar and the bartender offering the father an ashtray and we find out the source of the sound! It's the bartender chipping ice! And a man walks by, pretends to knock his father's coat to the floor and this is how Minseok gives the man, the ACCOMPLICE, his car keys! Sooooo, Hyunsoo HAS seen the accomplice very briefly! He may not have been able to get a good look at his face, but OH SHIT he has seen the accomplice and never realized what he was witnessing at the time! And this gets Hyunsoo enough to the point that he doesn't realize he's standing up now because he's figured something out, and that makes Jiwon eye him warily.

The next scenes BROKE MY HEART okay? Absolutely BROKE MY HEART SO MUCH. The couple stands at the sink washing dishes, Jiwon is drying them and she seems incredibly distant, like she's not all there. She's been this way since dinner, because he even questions her if his cooking and little family celebration isn't pleasing her. Hyunsoo knows something is going on with his wife. He tells her she's been forcing laughter these days, and encourages her to talk to him and tell him what's going on. He wants to know what's wrong. He wants to help her. This is the 2nd time now he's trying to get her to talk to him. She tells him, she must not feel the same about him anymore (MY HEART CLENCHED! NOOOOOO!!!), and he stops completely what he's doing, shuts the sink off and you see that he's shaken by her words. She tries to stay cold with him, acting indifferent, saying they've been together for 14 years and that her feelings can't stay the same for him, and he questions why the abrupt change. But why can't her feelings stay the same?? I've been with my husband for 18 years and my feelings only grew, so that notion from Jiwon is ridiculous.

And Jiwon wants to know if he feels the same about her as he did all those years ago. His eyes searches hers, and I truly truly believe he answered honestly. "Yes, I do." I think he knows that he's ALWAYS felt something for this woman, he just doesn't recognize what those feelings are, but she matters SO MUCH to him. It goes so much deeper than what has been shown. He's always trying his best to keep her happy and keep her pleased. In the best way that he knows how. He goes so over the top for her because nobody ever did this for him, he's really never been taught this so he's learned. He takes it upon himself to do these things for her because she matters deeply to him. You can tell he's saddened and shaken by her coldness.

He tries to brush it off by saying she works too much, she's too stressed, she's always in danger and she never gets enough sleep. She tells him that she's been wondering these days how she'd live if they break up and you see pain flicker in his eyes. You can see that this is hurting him. Whether he realizes it or not, it's hurting him. Jiwon snaps at him telling him not to talk to her as if he knows everything about her. Oh but honey, he does... maybe not as of late, but he knows you like the back of his own hand. Stop projecting. You know a lot more about him too than what you think, you just don't even realize it yet. The harshness of her words, the cruelty and coldness behind them of does there have to be a reason to fall in love and then not being a reason for falling out of love with him. *clutches heart* IT HURTS SO BAD.

And she's crying. Bullshit. You've fallen out of love with him? Bullshit. You can't fool me on this one. You can claim you don't like him anymore, that you don't like anything about him, but that's an outright lie. It's so hard watching her and hearing her say these things to him... and leaving him utterly shellshocked and wanting to know why. The way he delivers that soft "Why?" just hurts so much... This man who's bent over backward for her the entire time they have been together, this man who's done everything for her, and all she can say is she hates seeing him try so hard for her? What the HELL Jiwon??? Okay, I get why you're doing this. You said your last gift to him was they would break up and part ways as Baek Heeseong and Cha Jiwon, but this is NOT WHAT HE WANTS. THIS IS NOT A gift to him! You are HURTING him. I get that you are hurt too, I understand your pain, but how is this making ANYTHING right??? How is trying to hurt him making any of it okay? And you tell him you hate him while crying? Jiwon, stop it. You're not doing him or yourself ANY favors.

His voice is trembling, his breathing is uneven, he's starting to feel something. This is his worst fear. Losing his life. Losing her. He doesn't understand why she's doing this to him. This man can't feel emotions, my ass. Yes, he can and he's sad, hurt and confused, whether he recognizes this or not because he's always done everything for you, Jiwon. Good luck finding someone else to do the things he's done for you and be a husband like him. When he says "I don't understand." It's so painful to watch... because he really doesn't. He's so lost right now, and he needs to understand. Why you're being this way toward him and why you'd suddenly change your feelings. You hate seeing him eat? My god... he's a person. He has to eat. He's stricken by all of this, he is just so desperate to fix it. He'll do anything for you. And you're going to tell me he doesn't love you? Jiwon, focus on his last sentence to Noona. "I don't know what kind of feeling that is." Not the "I never once felt that way." Jiwon, for goodness sake, teach him. Help him. Instead of doing this to him. I'm so tired of watching bad things happen to this man knowing that he's innocent...

"What could be more important than us right now?"

He loves her. He loves her SO MUCH, and he doesn't even realize it. Jiwon is his life! And all she can do is bring up all of Minseok's victims. Okay, woman, for real. You KNOW your husband WAS NOT the accomplice to those murders, so why the hell are you bringing this up to him now and why is this his fault?? All he can do is tell her she did nothing wrong, but Hyunsoo NEITHER DID YOU!!! You did NOTHING WRONG!!! And you knowing nothing about them, I get that this is some kind of metaphor for not knowing anything about Hyunsoo, I get that, but even if you do feel this way about those victims, it's not his fault. She tells him that he can't help her forget all those terrible cases, not anymore and he looks devastated... I mean my heart is physically aching for him at this point...

And what does he do? The first thing he does is go to the only person he can think of, someone he might have once considered a friend, Moojin. He reaches out to him and Noona about his wife falling out of love with him because he's lost... he's confused, he's frustrated and he doesn't understand why or how this could happen. He needs help, he needs advice. What can he do to make it better? All he wants to do is fix it. He is literally reaching out for help in regards to his marriage. This is his life. Nothing else even matters except for Jiwon. He needs to know what to do and how to make it better. He's so desperate to fix it. Moojin chides him for waking him up over his relationship, and all Hyunsoo can say is that he's serious. He feels way more lost than he did after Nam Soongil stabbed him... oh oh my baby... oh honey... my heart is literally BREAKING for you. T_T He's so lost... he's so sad... He even calls Noona for help likely referring to it as an emergency as she comes in to ask what the emergency is... omg. I can't even with this.

Hyunsoo is realizing that he CAN feel things. He may not fully understand nor recognize his emotions and what he's feeling, but he CAN feel. He feels lost. He's hurting because he loves his wife. He needs her. He's so desperate to fix it and make it right. He'll do whatever it takes if it brings her back to him. He's experiencing a broken heart without even realizing that this is what it is. He loves his wife so much that he'll do anything to make it right. Moojin sure can be a cold jerk, but Noona genuinely wants to help her brother because she can see how lost and sad he is. Moojin is also an idiot too when it comes to women. Is he serious right now? I mean, I admit his attempts made me laugh, but c'mon man... You NEVER tell a woman "you have menopause." I'd straight up bitchslap someone if they said that to me.

But Hyunsoo... catch the accomplice? Oh sweetheart... I know you love, Jiwon. I know you need her. I know you don't want to lose her, but the accomplice??? It's not even about finding out who the accomplice is anymore to protect himself... it's about finding the accomplice because it'll make her really happy. Now he's willing to throw himself into serious danger because he believes if he finds the accomplice it'll bring her back to him? Hyunsoo, listen to Noona. She is right. Jiwon is precious to you. You are doing this because Jiwon is precious to you.

And because of Jiwon's harsh and cruel words, you are hurt because those words came from your precious person. Noona speaks words of wisdom. Something that is precious hurts you as time passes by. She's not wrong. Hyunsoo, Jiwon is so precious to you and you are hurting because of that fact. The issue with Jiwon was even more important than telling them you think you know where the sound on the voice recording came from. Because you're hurting. Because that's your wife.

We see him in his car stop from turning the music on, and instead gets his phone and sends his wife a text. "Did you eat something?" Even after her cruelness, he's still concerned for her wellbeing. He scrolls through a series of playful and sweet texts between the two of them, and all he can do is slouch down his seat and close his eyes painfully. This is really affecting him more than he's letting on. It hurts watching him hurt.

Speaking of hurt, I'm REALLY worried about Haesu... she has very obvious depression and mental illness problems as well. It seems she harbors A LOT of guilt. She killed a man, even though it was in self defense, she still killed a man. And the fact that her brother is taking the blame, like he's always taken the blame for EVERYTHING it seems, that has torn her apart as well, she cries all night long, she doesn't come out of her home for days, she keeps her lights off, and has insomnia... like she tells Moojin. She's broken. And she is. She is broken, Hyunsoo is damaged. Someone for the love of all things cheese please get these siblings some real help and therapy. God knows they need it.

OKAY WOW. WOW. The memory of Hyunsoo with his father at the bar... he recognizes the tattoos on the man's arm, and the PEN. He's started to figure out how he's getting closer and closer to his father's accomplice... When the father brings up giving it as a gift for giving him nice, raw material... does he mean people??? Does he mean the victims??? Is this how Do Minseok was able to get his victims to perform these killings with his accomplice??? Some raw materials that are too risky to obtain himself??? OMG this man is TWISTED. His son asks like what, and all he can do is say he'll wonder what kind of face he'll make if he shows him??? Did Hyunsoo EVER see his father's victims?? Did he ever realize how genuinely screwed up his father was? "When the look in your eyes and your skills are more ripe." HERE IS MORE PROOF THAT HE WAS TRYING TO MOLD AND GROOM HIS SON INTO BEING JUST AS SICK AND TWISTED AS HE WAS. I'M DISGUSTED...

Hyunsoo, I love the lengths you're going to for Jiwon's happiness, I really do, but I don't love this... this is too much. You're getting yourself into some serious danger here that you might not be able to get out of... Sure you could fight off just the one man, who is what... considered a third party to your father and the accomplice? I know you're desperate to find out who it is, but I am really really worried for you... these people are dangerous, considering one is a serial killer's accomplice...

Jiwon and her team come up with a clever plan of trying to get a lead on the accomplice by having her pose as Jung Misook looking for a "job." So it's essentially a sting operation. I gotta give her props for being able to pull off like she's just some little girl looking for work. Okay, so they're thinking a third party lured the victims for the accomplice, lured them into a trap and then the accomplice took them to Do Minseok so he could torture and murder them, which they're believing the lurer is this woman? Hmmm... a human trafficking business??? So it's those thugs from last week, is it? I'm worried about In Seo, that little boy from the first episode... That situation is very concerning. If they're running a human trafficking business and are selling people, then that little boy is in serious danger, that is if he hasn't been sold already. Hyunsoo, you are bold, baby... very bold. I know you're desperate to find him, but this is not a good situation nor are these good people to involve yourself with...

Okay, so WHO did the real Heeseong need to meet??? He remembers he was going to meet with some person. Is he involved in any of this mess? And now we have the unfather with that phone and the accomplice's phone number in it once more, why?? How are they connected to this??? I'm still trying to figure it out. I gotta think on these two for a bit.

Hyunsoo, you are in a BAD situation and you have GOT to get out of there these men SHOULD NOT know your real identity! They WILL use it against you!!! Jiwon, you're not in a much better situation AT ALL. I do love the parallel of Hyunsoo and Jiwon both going through open doors into a potentially dangerous situation. Is this older woman insane? Wait don't answer that... Jiwon catches her, cuffs her and the crazy lady is trying to climb out the window while cuffed!? Are you in THAT deep that you're trying to climb and jump balconies while cuffed to get away from the cops? And instead of getting away, she falls... yep. She falls. Jiwon leaves just for a moment to open the door for her team, makes an honest mistake, the crazy lady falls and doctors don't know if she'll make it. And you can tell Jiwon is wrecked by this. She doesn't want anyone to die, naturally. Especially because of her.

Now Hyunsoo is bargaining these men with money!? I KNEW he should not have went in there. He was wreckless and TOO confident. They're threatening him, going to give him to the accomplice rather than give the accomplice to him! And poor Jiwon... she's getting yelled at and berated by her boss. Watching her team defend her though was sweet. I love their dynamic and have since the beginning. And then he starts yelling about the Hwang lady dying? Jiwon is already feeling guilty enough as is, Chief... lay off a bit. She's a human being. Even though she's a cop, she's not perfect. She makes mistakes sometimes too. She steps outside and this is how you KNOW she still loves her husband. Because she remembers all the times when she had a hard day and he was there to cheer her up and make her feel better. She opens her phone to all of his texts she's missed.

"Do you feel better?" "I noticed you didn't eat breakfast." "Is there anything you want?" "Why don't we start exercising together?" "Did you eat something?"

And his last one "Jiwon. I feel so frustrated. I want to talk to you. I can't wait for time to pass by. I want time to pass by... so we can both have the same memories. And eventually, I want to think and feel just like you."

He wants to think like she does, he wants to be able to FEEL in the same manner that she does. He wants to understand. He wants to know how to recognize those feelings, he wants to know how to think like she does. He WANTS to be normal, he WANTS normalcy and he wants his wife to be the one to continue teaching him these things...

And now we're in the flashback again where Jiwon asks Hyunsoo if there's anything he wants from her because she's always receiving from him. Don't tell me for a moment he does not feel anything for this woman, the way he takes her hands in his and says "Don't ever change. You just need to keep loving me like you do right now. All I need is your trust. If you do that for me, I'll live my entire life just for you." Oh my heart... that's why he doesn't want to lose his life he has now, Jiwon. You realize this right??? It's because of YOU.

All she can do is cry and say she misses him. It's okay, Jiwon. I'm crying right along with you because this HURTS.

And now these thugs are beating Hyunsoo up and getting ready to try and drug him!? Oh Hyunsoo... I know you needed some quick thinking here, but telling them you'll be their client too?? Telling them you're just like your father? AND DID I CALL THIS OR WHAT. These disgusting human disgraces are HUMAN TRAFFICKERS!!! They SELL people!! And then Jiwon calls... she wanted to hear his voice, she had a bad day and he was the first person she thought of. She loves her husband so much and when he answers her replies by saying he's busy, at first it seems cold, but then Jiwon recognizes with those amazing detective instincts of hers that he's in a dangerous situation which is why his replies are so short.

Trust him, just like your flashback of him asking you to trust him. He's not in a safe place right now, and she knows. She knows he's not in a good situation, hence her questioning if he needs assistance... and then she tells him he has one hour to come back to her... she wants him to come back her. No. She NEEDS him to come back to her!! She says "I miss you" to him. And you can see by the subtle flicker in Hyunsoo's eyes that he's moved by her words and now all he wants to do is get to her.

I don't think it's over yet for this couple. I think there's hope for them, because they NEED each other. More than anything. Especially now. I'm so shaken by this episode and ready for tomorrow. Ready. Bring it on. Bring on MORE pain. It's coming. I know it's coming.

#flower of evil #lee joon gi #moon chae won #do hyun soo #cha ji won #lee joongi #lee jun ki #lee junki #moon chaewon #do hyunsoo #cha jiwon #kdrama #episode thirteen

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littlewalken · 4 years ago

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Feb 15

So yesterday gets added to the days I take Repressitall for like Halloween 2019. Nothing like another day that probably could use some counseling but will have to go to the end of the line because there’s shit fromt he 80s that still hasn’t been dealt with. But ain’t that just how life is?

I’m glad I found that channel with the Bill and Ted commentaries because all I was able to snag was a $5 bare bones of the first two movies. The store had the Bluray of all 3 but aside from my player not being hooked up that often my anxiety is weary of the third movie. I’m sure the guys had fun and stuff but...

Enough of you out there know what I mean when I say my anxiety isn’t sure about these nostalgia bait sequels.

Bill and Ted are Baby idiots to me. They aren’t meant to have adult responsibilities. The Bill is trans theory can fit into that.

Grease 2 was on yesterday and it got me thru. I have several stories inspired by that, I have a bunch of theories about that, it’s always there.

So is a tension headache, This time it is on me because I was untangling about an inch of kumihimo because I didn’t like how the pattern was coming out. Knowing how to undo what ever string project you’re doing is part of the skill set.

Got to give the tiny heddle I ordered a couple of weeks to get here. It’s one of those 4 inch ones and was like $20 so I don’t feel that bad ordering it. And if it turns out I do kind of like band weaving and shit then I’ll look into one of those Inkle looms. But if it’s just an occasional thing a tiny rigid heddle won’t take up room in the thread box.

I still have a bunch of Lizbeth size 20 thread, and the desire to make up a couple of crochet Barbie dolls and clothes out of it, but if I don’t opening it up to being used for weaving bands is always something.

My anxiety and related shit doesn’t even want to watch the news, weather would be nice, or anything that could possibly add to it.

There are three algae eaters in the fish tank and the only one on the glass, which needs it, is the itty bitty sucker fish. The glass shrimp is bigger than itty bitty sucker but it’s certainly hungry and has a fat tummy.

Pumpkin Head (all orange head), the presumed female at purchase boy guppy, is discovering the other two in the tank are female. Thinking PH was a girl and the ones he came with died we got other girls. Should have known because PH was the only iridescent one in the batch but there you go. The shrimp is neat and we want to get more.

And not to balance the want to keep a clear mind and the necessity of taking a Pain Away.

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jack-andthestalk · 6 years ago

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Stuck on you, Family ties, Chapter 23.

Thanks to @balfeheughlywed, she gives it to me straight, but still manages to be lovely at the same time.

Also thank you to @ladyviolethummingbird for her encouraging words when I really thought I would just quit!

I have tried to better with punctuation and have made an effort to proof read a couple of times to pick up typos. I do appreciate your comments and asks.

The following morning we woke to a blanket of thick snow all over London. Jamie stood with his arm stretched resting over the sill of his window, describing the scene before him. "We could be snowed in for days Sassenach," he said winking wildly like a big red owl, I lay limp in the bed admiring his bare buttocks and listening drowsily to his account. My legs felt disconnected from my body, and I wasn't entirely sure if they would support me if I attempted to go to the window to look for myself.

He quickly scurried back into bed, burrowing himself behind my naked back, entangling his cold feet between my calves. We lay there for a while and, Jamie leisurely drew patterns into the back of my hand while planning our breakfast.

“you won’t be hungry if you keep chewing on my ear like that” I scolded sometime later. "It's nibbling Sassenach not chewing, and it’s meant to entice ye to do lewd things with me" his hand dipped lower between my bare thighs. "Jamie Fraser I barely have the use of my legs thanks to all the lewd things you did to me throughout the night!" I slapped his hand away indignantly. "You can't possibly expect me to use up any more of my depleted energy supply without feeding me first."

Jamie gave a resigned sigh “Fine…ye cruel woman”, he pushed himself up from the bed, and his phone began to pulse repeatedly on the bedside locker. Jamie glanced down at the screen before silencing it. “Aren’t you going to answer that?” I wrapped the sheet around my breasts shuffling up in the bed. Jamie rucked a hand through his hair and stretched. “Nah it's nothing important."

A sliding ache of anxiety rippled around in my tummy, the same feeling that I got during his phone call from home the night before.

I had tried to dismiss it; instead, I allowed Jamie to show me without words how he loved me, our bodies moving slowly beneath the sheets of his bed.

Now the heavyweight of distrust that had weighed down on my chest the night before had returned with abandon.

I heard the shower run, and I snuck a glance at Jamie's screen.

One missed call: Da

Jamie had answered last night because he had little choice, you didn't miss a call from your parents on Christmas day. There wasn't going to be a time when I wasn't going to be in earshot. The phone call was fairly typical of a family ringing their son to wish him a merry Christmas.

There was a chorus of Happy Christmas on the Fraser side which Jamie reciprocated.

I had thought it was Ellen's voice I could hear through the mouthpiece when she asked him how his day had been. Jamie's response accurate but lacking in context, "Oh aye…of course I cooked Turkey mam", a laugh on both sides as Ellen told him something about her day. Jamie fiddled with a coaster on the coffee table as he spoke head bent in concentration, I pretended to pay attention to the movie that had been turned down in volume so he could answer the call. Another chuckle and a throaty "aye we went to mass…there is a cathedral across the road". The phone was passed along to his nephew where Jamie's voice changed to a more animated version. He questioning little Jamie about what Santa had brought, Jamie teasing him that he thought Santa would bring coals on account of what he had done to his grandda (a story I didn't know). This went on for a while, and though my head was spinning with the phone conversation in general, my heart warmed just hearing Jamie speak with his nephew. Jenny was next, and a much more colluding conversation took place, Jenny asked the same generic questions, but this time Jamie's response was softer, almost whispering. "Aye Janet it was one of the best," he said smiling through the mouthpiece, a shared secret between the two "aye she is" was uttered. Jamie's ears had gone a little pink at something Jenny said while sneaking a look over at me. I could see him smiling in my peripheral vision as I stared head-on at the tv. “worth every second” he said quietly.

The call ended after that, at first I tried to shield myself a little from Jamie's gaze or embrace. Not knowing how to feel or process the phone call from home, but as the night wore on Jamie's tentative determination to keep me close, to love me bested the barrier I had erected.

Now faced with Brian's call I couldn't pretend there wasn't something off about Jamie's interaction with his parents, nor could I pretend it wasn't related to me.

I jumped suddenly from the bed and scrambled in my bag for clothes. I didn’t want to be naked in front of Jamie right now; I needed a buffer of sorts. The idea of being a secret from Jamie’s parents hurt, why did he keep it from them? I couldn’t think of any logical answer except that they didn’t approve of me.

Since Jamie and I had reunited, he had spoken of his parents often, in terms of when he was in counselling the support they gave him, particularly his Mother, but the more I thought about it, the more I realised he didn’t speak of more recent versions of them, as in what they felt about him moving to London. Jenny certainly knew why he came here but did his parents?

My mind was swirling with possibilities and excuses, I didn’t hear Jamie approach, until he wrapped his arms around my waist, kissing the space between my shoulder blades, humming contently into my hair. “Why are ye no naked Claire?” he asked swaying me slightly over and back, I pushed his arms gently down from my waist and turned to look at him. "You know I thought I probably should head home…for a while, anyway, …we have drinks at Gellis's later", I trailed off biting my bottom lip.

Jamie turned me around to face him “what’s happened?” his face etched in concern. “nothing I just can't stay in bed all day…as appealing as it sounds" I shrugged my shoulders and redirected my gaze to the floor, Jamie tilted my chin, so I had to look directly at him "tell me Claire?" his voice firm.

His face changed from concern to panic, and I couldn't bring myself to ask him the question that was bothering me most. “It’s nothing," I said softly attempting a smile. “I just….”, Looking around the room at our discarded clothes, memories of the last two days came flooding back, Jamie had shown me he loved me in this apartment, we had two days of relearning, of honesty. Leaving me with no qualms about how he felt, maybe he was waiting until he went home to tell his parents? My mind didn’t buy that excuse, but my heart squeezed at the sight of his pleading eyes.

“I just thought that …well it was only meant to be a second date…I feel like we have been holed up here for a week.”

"dinna go Claire”, he said softly, Jamie’s brows still furrowed I knew he didn’t quite believe my excuse.

“Ok” this time the smile reached my eyes. Jamie bent to kiss me so tenderly I actually thought my heart would burst. “good” he said a little breathlessly sometime later, before making me naked again, loving the worries away.

Gellis had a tradition of hosting a party at her house on Boxing Day each year.

This year she had a new man to impress, so the text invites dictated ‘fancy formal'. I had no idea which dress code this meant but opted for a fitted teal dress with a scoop neck, my straightened hair piled on top of my head and a pair of very impractical sparkling stilettos, which I could only put on once inside her apartment as they didn't stand a chance in the snow. Jamie wore a white shirt/suit pants combo. He looked like a young James bond his hair styled back slightly with gel, and the top button of his shirt opened giving him an air of sophisticated casualness.

We arrived fashionably late, having decided on a shared shower to save time which had the reverse effect and delayed us considerably.

Gellis took our coats hissing "ye are almost an hour late Claire!", I gave her a sheepish shrug and brushed down my dress, she rolled her eyes and glared at Jamie "I am blaming ye fox," Jamie looked quite pleased with his culpability and shot Gellis a dazzling smile while handing her a couple of bottles of wine.

Prosecco and a very expensive looking Italian beer had been stacked in an elaborate display on Gellis’s dining table. Grabbing one of each we made our way across the living room to where Rupert stood amongst a gang containing Mary Hawkins, I noticed Mary’s eyes widened slightly as we approached and she nudged the girl beside her, oh Christ Sarah.

This time my stomach didn't clench or my palms sweat; instead, I just slid up beside Rupert and said: "hey there roomie". Rupert on sight of me and clearly in full festive drinking mode growled loudly and lifted me bodily into his arms, "I feel like I havna seen ye for weeks!" he exclaimed loudly, rubbing the top of my head as if I was a well-behaved child. "I missed ye Clairebear," my responding smile and squeeze of his shoulders told him I missed him too, "for god sake man" Jamie hissed "she was not gone that long! ". He was looking around himself self-consciously, mindful that Rupert was making it blindly apparent I hadn't been home.

"Actually James" Rupert said slurring over the vowels and pointing his index finger into Jamie’s face “ye will find it has been two days and one night and she lives with me…so I should ken” he gave a little flourish with his hand and swayed back on his heels slightly. Rupert looked at Jamie now through one eye, his brow furrowed, "Christ man …are ye alright? Ye look like a stag at the end of rutting season", Jamie narrowed his eyes warningly, I, however, had no idea what Rupert meant. "What?" I said scrunching my nose slightly.

“Jesus, you’re clueless,” he breathed, rolling his eyes at me. “tis only a stag always looks near death after servicing the doe's, he dinna have time to eat or sleep from it…that's what Jamie looks like", there was a few snorts from beside me and I could see Jamie was about to strangle Rupert. Trying to distract him, I tilted my almost empty glass towards Jamie and said: "would kill for another, please?”

With Jamie gone it gave me a chance to speak with Rupert, I gave his sleeve a little tug and said "meet me on the veranda. I want to ask you something". Rupert's eyes were glassy, and he didn't look overly interested in what I had to say, but he followed me obediently. Howling as soon as the freezing air hit his lungs, "ach Claire make it quick" he jumped impatiently from foot to foot.

I couldn’t help but remember that I had stood on a similar veranda months before, rage boiling in my belly at Jamie’s attempt to establish if I found it difficult being around him. I had responded with a sharp rebuttal telling him I was no longer in love with him. Jamie had spoken of the conversation the night previous, how he wasn't able to go to the gym with Rupert after it, choosing to go home his chest caving in at the idea he had indeed lost me.

There were many things Jamie had recalled for me from his perspective, so I knew how he was feeling since coming to London or during our time apart, he always led with honesty even when it wasn’t the most attractive option.

That's why I couldn't fathom whatever was happening with his parents why he felt he couldn't talk to me about it, unless of course that it would hurt me.

Rupert was watching me expectantly, clearing my throat, "Rupert I need to ask something of you?” He narrowed his eyes and burrowed his bottom lip into his chin “is this to do with Jamie, cause I tell ye, I have had a lot to drink, and I dinna think it would be a good idea to ask me for discretion just now."

I rolled my eyes and sighed "Rupert, please …I need to know something."

Rupert leaned back up against the wall and folded his arms, "alright go on."

“Tell me what you knew about Jamie when we were apart?”

Rupert shook his head at me warningly “Claire I am nay gonna betray the man…he wasna at his best ya ken?”

“look," I said putting my hand on his arm, "he told me the most of it…I know he got help…I know he was in bad shape…I need to know…I need to have an idea of what his parents saw?”

Rupert looked at me brows creased in confusion, and let out a weary sigh "I ken ye wouldna ever hurt him with this information?" posed as a question, I found myself thinking he had sobered considerably at the mention of Jamie's past.

"I promise."

Rupert let out a big breath and ran a hand over his beard.

“I went to see him a few times…when he went back to Lallybroch to regroup or get better, whatever ya call it.” He finished awkwardly.

I shifted nervously, half dreading Rupert’s account.

"He was there but he wasn't there, he was like a fucking ghost." Rupert moved forward and leaned against the rails looking out at the street below covered in snow.

“Ellen and Brian were worried sick…they watched him constantly, afraid to let him out of their sight."

I nodded and leaned my back up against the railing so I could see Rupert’s face.

“I can only imagine," I said quietly.

Rupert cleared his throat and gulped the bottle of beer he was holding. “Aye…it was horrible to see him like that, his eyes were dead…he grieved for Willie of course, but he missed you something chronic…he was a drift sort of…nothing to anchor him." Rupert paused for a minute his beard musingly, “ya know in a way I have a huge amount of respect for him…he never hid it, ya ken some men would be ashamed to say they were heartbroken or they missed their woman…but Jamie didn’t, he told me straight out.”

"I keep thinking what I would do differently had I known how bad he was…" there was a hard lump forming in my throat, and I didn't want to Rupert to be put off by my tears, he seemed lost in his own thoughts staring out at the sky contemplatively.

“when he phoned me”, Rupert began again, “to say he was coming here to London…I dinna ken how to tell ye…I nearly shit myself when he asked me could I find out where ye lived…” he gave me a wry grin.

I squeezed his hand supportively "Knowing now what Jamie went through; I can see why you were so worried about telling him we were roommates."

Rupert nodded and exhaled "YE have no idea." He took another long gulp of his beer.

" the thing is since he found ye here, whatever is happening between ye…it’s so good to see him like himself again…”

I must have looked concerned because Rupert continued, "dinna get me wrong he was doing better before coming here…but when I see him around you, he is fucking beaming…the wee fool."

We stood in companionable silence for a while, Rupert playing with the label on his bottle of beer.

“It took its toll on his Ma and Da ya ken?” he said eventually

“I’m sure” I turned my head slightly so Rupert couldn’t see my expression.

"Losing Willie and then the worry of Jamie."

“Did they ever mention me?" I blurted suddenly.

Rupert shook his head and leaned back while holding onto the railings, “ dinna ken how to say this to ye without it wounding ye Claire."

"I need to know Rupert." My voice quivered, but I held his gaze, giving Rupert time to resolve whatever was going on in his head.

Eventually, he turned to me and said "Jamie nearly dinna come back the last time…Ellen watched him like that for a year, petrified that she would lose another son.” I nodded silently. “Death changes people Claire” his voice was grave, he shook his head and continued. “indiscretions” he started and I raised my eyebrows “ok then unfaithfulness”, he clarified, “Well these things don’t seem as significant when you are dealing with life and death."

He pressed his lips into a thin line, "Ellen, saw her son not really wanting to live, grieving over a woman that wouldna tell him where she was, that had left without a word, a woman the family loved as well.”

I knew where he was going but I wasn't sure I wanted to hear, he closed his eyes briefly and said: "Ellen knew I was living with you, I told her eventually."

“and?” I asked, my mouth suddenly dry.

Rupert bit the side of his mouth “she told me never to tell Jamie, she hoped he never found ye again.”

"I see," I said folding my arms around my middle defensively, Rupert's eyes were sorrowful, and my eyes were burning in humiliation. "I did say that ye were hurting too, but Jamie is her son…she really dinna see anything beyond him, and he was hankering for a woman who had left him."

#stuckonyou #outlander fanfic #the lallybroch library

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yesvac · 5 years ago

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Cool Kids Never Have The Time (stozier)

au where stan and richie don’t know each other but as classmates, richie is the class stoner, and stan smokes weed for the first time with him : )

warning: drug use

length: about 3k

The first hit of the bowl is a bit too much to handle, in Stan’s opinion.

It’s not like he’s a nerd, per say. He wouldn’t be qualified as one in most people’s minds. He’s actually quite cool, in his opinion, but in the social ladder of their high school, he’s not particularly topping the charts. He’s got friends, sure, but those people are not considered “cool kids” or “popular”. One of his friends, Ben, called him “the King of the nerds,” once.

So Stan wouldn’t say it’s surprising that he became friends with Richie Tozier. Yeah, Richie is… a bit edgier than most people he knows, and Richie doesn’t go to school as often as he should, but it’s not like Stan’s counting his attendance, or looking over at Richie’s empty seat at the beginning of class every day. Psh, why would he?

But that doesn’t quite explain how Stan got to be in this situation, holding a “bowl” up to his lips while Richie lights the end.

He surely didn’t mean to get in this situation. He’s not a bad kid. He stays away from drugs, and when he gets invited to parties with alcohol, he politely declines. In his high school career, and in all of the 18 years of his life, he’s gone to one real party. He left in twenty minutes.

But what was he supposed to do when Richie passed him a note in Economics, reading “you want to come over to mine later?”

When the note was dropped on his desk, he was dumbfounded at first, for multiple reasons. His heart was racing as he tried to process it. First thought: who the fuck passes notes anymore? this isn’t middle school. And then: wait, Richie Tozier wants me to come over?

Then he thinks of what he might like to do at Richie Tozier’s house. Oh.

Stan blushes at his thoughts. He shouldn’t allow himself to think things like that about boys, but he indulges occasionally. Probably more than most guys would.

He looks across the room to where Richie’s sitting and he’s a bit spooked when he sees that Richie is already looking at him, with this little smirk on his face. Swallowing his anxiety, Stan nods in Richie’s direction, and the butterflies that reside in his tummy are making a bit of an uproar as a grin appears on Richie’s face. Richie mouths to him slowly: meet me by my locker after school.

Fuck. Stan’s fucked if he wants a good grade in Econ, because any and all material is lost to his mind after that.

A few hours later when the final bell rings, Stan tries to convince himself he hasn’t been waiting for the moment that school ends, but he can’t, not truly. His friends have been bugging him about being absentminded and not participating in their conversations mentally, but he reckons that’s okay for one day.

He tries not to run to Richie’s locker, and instead settles for a brisk pace over to a black mob of hair and a jean jacket faced the opposite way. Briefly, he is immobilized with nervousness, but when Richie glances over to where Stan is standing awkwardly a few feet away, he loudly spits out, “Hi!”

At first, Richie looks a bit judgemental, but his expression softens, and the corners of his beautiful mouth tilt upwards. Stan’s running his fingers through his fringe and pushing it upwards because Jesus, he’s sweating already. Calm the fuck down and stop being so gay, he thinks, but Richie’s smile just makes his knees feel weak. “Hey, Stan the man.”

“Stan the man?” he makes out, and the nervousness is coming back again, and he thinks for a moment that maybe he’s actually judged this situation completely wrong. Is this… an insult, or a nickname? It’s not like Richie is perceived in the eyes of the school body as a nice guy, really. Stan’s not sure. But… maybe he saw him looking at him. Maybe he’s angry. Maybe he knows Stan’s gay somehow, and trapped him here, cornered against a locker. Maybe coming here was the worst possible idea.

His mind tells him to take a step back, so he does. “I- I actually think, that I have to, I have to go,” he stammers. “My mom, uh. My mom needs me to take care of our… Our iguana.”

Stan doesn’t have an iguana. He facepalms mentally.

But then, Richie says the unexpected: “Is something wrong? Are you okay? You look pale all the sudden.” He extends an arm to rest on Stan’s shoulder and despite his best efforts, Stan can’t find it in him to think there’s anything malicious about him.

Sure, Richie’s wearing black ripped jeans and some old, beat up Doc Martins that look like they’re from the 80’s, but he’s also wearing a jean jacket with pink patches and embroidered designs. Yes, he’s got a septum piercing and he skips school, but his eyes and smile are so soft that Stan can’t be intimidated. He melts at the gentle hand on his shoulder.

“I’m fine,” Stan manages, and he can tell his face is hot. “I just remembered that I, uh, don’t actually have to be home, so nevermind. I can come over to yours.”

Richie laughs, and the way he tilts his head back while laughing makes Stan’s heart hurt. “Okay, it’s not iguana-care day. I see,” Richie teases, and surprisingly, Stan doesn’t feel targeted or anything by the tease, just wants to laugh along with him, so he does. It feels natural and organic to be laughing with him and he wants to do it forever. “Let’s go, I can give us a ride.”

There’s something mundanely enchanting to Stan about boys who can drive. Well, maybe it’s just boys. Actually, maybe it’s just Richie.

He coughs awkwardly as he gets into Richie’s vehicle. It’s an interesting one for sure. “Sorry if it’s hard to close the door, Ol’ Gertrude is getting a bit rickety. But we won’t die.” Stan laughs, as if it’s a joke, but Richie looks at him seriously. “Probably.”

He’s not lying when he says that the car is getting old; there’s rust all over it and it does take two or three tries for Stan to fully close the door because for some reason, its locking mechanism doesn’t work. The seats are all busted in some ways and Richie has seemed to fix it by using duct tape strategically, but Stan can still feel the springs poking out in some places. There’s dice hanging from the mirror. It’s a hot day, but there’s not air conditioning, so Stan can feel the perspiration on his face, but the way the windows roll down and Stan can stick his fingers out to feel the air as Richie drives is therapudic and organic.

Richie’s fringe is fully pushed up by now, his face slightly flush as he drives with one hand. He’s trying to explain music to Stan, and Stan suddenly realizes what Richie’s actually passionate about.

“Call me a hipster - really, I am - but the stuff nowadays is really shitty. Too much autotune, and electronic music sound. I’m not into it. Prime music was the 80’s and 90’s - alternative was the best then.” He’s trying to get a CD out of the compartment in front of Stan and Stan takes it over from him, sliding the CD out of the case and helping Richie slide it into the disc player. It immediately plays Track 1.

“Fuck, this is a classic,” Richie comments fondly, and Stan thinks swear words don’t sound quite as crude coming out of his mouth.

Shakedown 1979

Cool kids never have the time

On a live wire right up off the street

You and I should meet

He finds himself fascinated with the way Richie looks, carefree and happy as he drives and sings along to the song. Stan’s not sure if he likes the music better than what he listens to, but he’s sure that he likes Richie singing it better than anything he’s ever heard, ever.

Too soon they arrive at Richie’s house, and as they get out, some anxiety clouds Stan’s mind because what the fuck are they going to do, anyways? He’s not like, socially incapable, but Richie and him have never really talked ever, and they don’t seem to have very many common interests. Nevertheless, they enter Richie’s house and it’s nice, cozy. His downstairs is painted in light pastel yellows and he feels comforted at the decor.

When Richie shows him his room, it’s like walking into a completely different building from the rest of the house.

First of all, it’s painted a light blue, but that’s barely visible through all of the posters he has up. There’s movie posters for every award-winning movie he can think of in the last 30 years. Also, there’s posters for, yes, 90’s and 80’s alternative and rock bands, and Stan thinks if Richie knew that the only real 80’s and 90’s music Stan knows is the boybands, then he would be scolded severely (he can’t help it - his first boy crush was on Justin Timberlake). There’s also tacked up photos of what look to be torn pages from National Geographic of locations around the world. Stan recognizes what looks to be a busy Japanese street, a waterfall somewhere, the badlands, and a photo taken in a desert with a crowd of antelope. He has a bed and in the corner of his bedroom, a sofa, and then a computer desk with a computer chair - he sits down at his chair and looks up at Stan, and Stan sits on his bed lightly. His bedroom is also slightly messy, disheveled in a way that isn’t too unacceptable. There’s an indistinct smell that he can’t quite place.

Stan feels slightly overwhelmed.

Richie begins talking about something related to music again, and he syncs his phone with a speaker in his room and plays some song Stan can’t place, one he’s never heard before, and he zones out a bit to what he’s saying, internally freaking out that he’s at a hot boy’s house on his bed while he’s being ranted at about good music, until Richie says something that shocks him into listening.

“Wanna smoke weed?”

While Stan knows it’s unattractive to sputter, apparently he can’t help but be not cute around Richie. “W-what did you say?” Because he isn’t quite sure he heard right, even though he knows internally exactly what Richie said.

“Did you want to smoke some weed? I have four grams and a bowl if you wanted to. My parents aren’t home and won’t be ‘till later. You don’t have to if you don’t want to, really. It helps me relax though, and makes the music even better,” Richie says, and he giggles a bit at the end. He raises his eyebrows at Stan, obviously expecting an answer, but Stan’s not sure he can give a comprehensible one.

Oh god, he’s about to get high for the first time with the hottest dude in his class. This is what he knows, because he knows for a fact he’s not going to be able to say no to Richie’s smile, even if he’s kind of scared of inhaling smoke and getting high in general, and his mom raised him to stay away from drugs.

“Yes,” he says. Of course. Idiot.

So that brings them to where they are now. Richie is opening up the window to his room, and he retrieves a wooden box from a discreet place at the top of his messy closet, and he opens the box. There’s some oddly shaped things Stan doesn’t recognize, and it occurs to him that Richie probably doesn’t realize that he hasn’t smoked weed before. “I haven’t smoked weed before,” he comments casually, and Richie looks at him incredulously.

“Really, Stan the man? Never smoked?” Richie asks, and Stan nods. “Figures, with your straight A’s, and all. You just need to be roughed up a little. Live life and all that shit.” Stan nods again, and pretends that he doesn’t want Richie to rough him up in every way. “I’ll guide you through it.”

Ten minutes later and they’re both sitting on Richie’s sofa facing his window, and Richie’s holding what he calls a “bowl”, which in reality looks nothing like a bowl and actually looks more like a pipe made of glass or ceramic material, Stan doesn’t know. It’s blue and shiny, and it’s stuffed with weed at the end. Richie tells him the process of it, how you’re supposed to hold your fingers over one part of it, and then light it, and then inhale, and then release your fingers, and then exhale after you’ve held it for a moment. But try as he might, all of those instructions escaped his mind, because when you’ve got Richie Tozier one foot in front of you and you’re about to get high with him, it’s quite hard to focus on little things.

“Got it?” Richie asks him, and Stan wants to have got it, but he hasn’t got it. He shakes his head, and Richie laughs. He feels bad for a moment, but not for long, not really. “It’s okay, Stan. I’ll hold the bowl for you and I’ll light it too. All you have to do is inhale, and then exhale when you’re ready.”

Stan nods, and he doesn’t feel ready quite yet, but it’s not like he’s going to say no because god, Richie is beautiful and he’s holding the bowl up to his lips and Stan’s going to hell for being so gay, he’s sure of it. It occurs to him that he’s practically on Richie’s lap right as Richie lights the weed, and says “GO!” to him, and he inhales the smoke from the bowl, and immediately chokes.

Richie had told him that he’d probably cough, but this was nothing like he’d imagined. He choked on smoke and coughed to try to get the toxicity out of his throat. He keeps coughing, and he’s honestly surprised at the amount he coughs before he can stop, really. He’s practically wheezing out of Richie’s window, and Richie is chuckling at him slightly. When Stan finally stops coughing, wiping the water out of his eyes, he sees Richie from his blurry vision taking a hit and he looks practiced and masterful. The smoke leaves through his nose and he takes a breathe of air calmly. No coughing at all.

“What the fuck? How did you do that?” Stan laughs, and he coughs again at the end of his sentence, and finds himself in another minute-long coughing fit. He wants to stop, he really does, but there’s an insistent tickling at the back of his throat and he must look like an idiot.

However, there’s a warmth at his shoulder and he looks back at Richie, smiling warmly at him and he feels comforted with just a glance at the boy next to him, and he can feel the anxiety melting off of him by the minute. “If you’re a loser pothead like me, then you’re good at this. But don’t aspire for that,” he laughs again, and holds the bowl out to Stan’s mouth again, and Stan tries to pull himself together for another hit again, and he inhales like before. It goes down much smoother than the first, but he still coughs with his exhale.

“Is there a way to make this any better than it is? Like, my eyes won’t stop watering and I’ve got this tickling in my throat that isn’t going away,” he complains to Richie as Richie takes another hit. It occurs to him mildly that his lips were wrapped around the same thing that Richie’s are, and tries to make that fact not matter to him, and fails. “I don’t get the glamour of this yet.”

The way Richie exhales the smoke out of the window through pursed lips makes Stan’s spine tingle a little bit, in a way that only Richie’s looks can do. Richie laughs dryly again. “Eating and drinking make it better. I’m sure the high will hit you in a few. You’ll feel it, and you’ll know.” As Richie relaxes against the sofa, he gets the feeling that Richie is already feeling it.

“How am I supposed to know if I’ve never experienced it?” Stan presses, leaning forward a bit, closer to Richie. Richie gives him a devious smile in return, cracking his knuckles before placing a hand on Stan’s shoulder, which is warm and welcome.

“You’ll know, Stan the man. You’ll know.”

A few minutes later, they are both lying on the floor and looking up at Richie’s ceiling. The lights are off and Richie has glow-in-the-dark stars stuck to his ceiling which Richie is entranced by, as they listen to more music. Stan feels… something, but he isn’t sure if it is from the drug he just smoked or the feeling of laying so close to Richie.

Richie suddenly turns towards him, still horizontal, and says, “Stan the man.”

“Yes?”

“How do you feel?”

Stan’s fingers grip the carpet around him, letting the fabric touch his hands and feel the texture and everything around him. “I feel a little different. Like everything’s slower.”

“Your eyes are red as hell,” Richie comments, laying a hand on Stan’s arm. Tingles shoot through Stan from the place that Richie touched him. He internally facepalms at how sensitive he is, and tells himself to calm down.

Stan sits up a bit, and looks at Richie’s face, examining the way that the weed has affected him. “Your eyes are red too, you know. So shut up.”

“You’re so handsome, Stan,” Richie sighs, and Stan’s eyes widen. He’s unsure if he heard Richie correctly, and where that compliment came from, and what the implications are, and whether it could just be a platonic comment, and his mind is racing with thoughts while he stares blankly forward.

Richie’s eyebrows furrow. “You good?”

Stan sputters, “yeah. I’m good. I think it just hit me.”

Richie smirks, an irritatingly attractive tilt of the mouth, and Stan wishes he could kiss it off of him, so he does. He grabs Richie’s wrists and pulls him forward, and their mouths collide clumsily and Stan is feeling so, so unorthodox.

But it’s good. It’s really good. Richie is warm and although he is bony, his hands seem to have an instinct of their own and perfectly clutch Stan’s face, aligning like they were made to fit, and Stan’s whole body feels like it’s tingling as he moves his lips against Richie’s, kissing him. Richie seems to be pressing forward, responding emphatically to Stan’s movements, and Stan pulls away to breathe and to look at Richie again. He can’t believe himself.

Richie’s face is flushed, his cheeks pleasantly red, and Stan thinks he looks better than ever. His eyes are blown-- from use of illegal substances or from kissing, Stan isn’t sure-- and he looks exhilerated. Stan is internally satisfied that he can make Richie look like that.

Turning down the volume of the music, Richie smiles back to Stan, and his hands move along Stan’s arms like he can’t stop touching him. “I guess I’ll have to have you over a lot more often, Stan the man.”

#this is bad but i havent written fic in forever and i got the feeling i should so i did so here ti is #stozier #my writing #drug use #drugs

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someobscurereference · 6 years ago

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aaa, if you don't mind me asking, what are some ailments you thought of the trio having?

Let me preface this by saying I’ve never had any of these ailments except asthma and I haven’t given most of them too much thought because I haven’t been thinking of them for too long (except the asthma one), so most of these are just passing thoughts so far! And more AU-specific, but they can probably fit into canon too.

Inigo/Laslow – Anxiety and eczema. Also not really an ailment but he has kind of a sensitive tummy and a lot of Nohr food is real heavy on his stomach (which is a tidbit from at least one or two other fics I’ve seen before that I really liked) (Also maybe seasonal depression? Laslow sometimes seems to be in real melancholy places in some of his Supports from time to time.)

Owain/Odin – Asthma! (Maybe went away for a time but came back in adulthood?) (Maybe diabetes also? Maybe not at the same time as the asthma. Or maybe yes.) (Also not really related but I HC Brady as having some health issues like scoliosis caused by his constant slouching and just in general not having a very strong immune system. In AUs where Mari//belle and Lis//sa are married, I can see Owain sometimes having similar struggles.)

Severa – Canonically struggles with binge-shopping and low self-esteem (though her self-esteem improves by Fates, it seems). Maybe also some vitamin/iron deficiency related anemia during Bad Timeline Awakening too.

These aren’t like… hard and fast hcs I stick to all the time but they are something I’ve been thinking about lately (and somewhat more generally in the past too). Like? That Bad Future was really rough?? The Awakening Kids were canonically starving for at least the last part of it? (Owain and I think Noire?? Mention not having much food in their support) What hardships does that give them? Lack of food and what else? Did Severa get her period irregularly/at all because she was underweight? What happens if you have celiac and there’s also a shortage of food, so it’s even harder on them to find something digestible? What about other stuff?

My biggest fear when writing or talking about anything is portraying a real life sickness or quality poorly/inaccurately, so it makes me hesitant to talk about stuff like this or bring it up on my own out of fear that I’d mess something up. But? Realistically, the Trio–at least one out of three at any given time (any given AU)–probably do have their own health issues they struggle with just like anyone else, whether they were born with it or struggle with something because of the Bad Future (PTSD, old injury that plagues them, etc.) So I’m nervous, but, also realistically, they probably have their own stuff like this too.

#my text #asks #fe14 #mental health tw #health tw #health discussions #physical health tw #I feel like I named a lot of stuff here to ask to tag!#eating disorder tw #self-esteem tw #food tw

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h-styles-babes · 7 years ago

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No Control | Twenty-Nine

Summary:

Micky Bennett: college student, loyal friend, aspiring nurse, One Direction fan, Harry Styles enthusiast. Her best friend, Trevor, wins tickets to a show in New Jersey with meet and greet passes. Micky expects a quick photo op with the boys and a great night at the concert with her best friend. What she gets a whole lot more than she bargained for.

To read previous chapters, you can go here.

*Please feel free to reblog and send feedback. It’s much appreciated :)*

*Gif is not mine.*

TWENTY-NINE

I sleep in the guest room in Harry’s home that night. It’s a bit of a strange feeling, considering the last time I was here, I was sleeping in his bed, intimately tangled with him, and having copious amounts of sex with him, any of those times which resulted in the conception of the child that now resides in my womb. Which is a weird thing to think about, because our lives could not be any different than back in August.

Thankfully, Little Bean seems to have calmed down in time for me to go to sleep, which means I fall asleep faster and stay asleep longer than I had the night before. And while I feel more rested when I wake up in the morning, I’ve still got a weird feeling in my chest that things are not as they should be. I suppose my memories of the previous time that I’ve been in this home are making it a little difficult for me to reconcile the capacity in which I’m here now. It probably doesn’t help that my feelings for Harry haven’t really changed since the last time I was here. I can’t exactly act on those feelings anymore, though.

So, I tiptoe around Harry as he makes some tea for the both of us and tells me that Grimmy wants to see us today. I’m a little surprised that Grimmy knows I’m here, too, considering he hadn’t told his family that I was coming yesterday, but then again, Nick is a little less affected by the pregnancy than his family. I briefly wonder if he’s told his old bandmates about what’s happening, but I figure that if he hasn’t told his manager yet, he’s keeping the information on a need-to-know basis for the time being. I know everyone’s going to be privy to this information eventually, but I’m quite enjoying the quietness of the whole thing so far. I know I have to brace myself for the time when the whole world knows, but I’ll take the peace while I can get it for now.

As Harry gets some sort of breakfast ready, I head back up to the guest room to change out of my pyjamas. I pull on black leggings that fit comfortably over the bump and a red jumper that is cozy and warm and actually still fits me. I’ve been extremely reluctant to buy maternity clothes, just because I know it’s all going to be over soon enough. I’ve used the hair tie through the button hole trick as much as I can, and I’ve taken to wearing stretchy materials or baggier shirts in order to get through this without buying something new. I’ve also taken a new liking to dresses, since they all fit as long as the waistline isn’t too low and they don’t require me to wear bottoms. I have bought one pair of maternity shorts however, and that was only because the weight I gained in my hips made it impossible for me to wear the pairs that I already own.

I have a grey poncho thing to go with the outfit if it’s necessary, but I leave it laid out on the bed for now, since it’s warm enough in Harry’s home to go without it. There’s a chime that sounds throughout the house, indicating that there’s someone requesting entry at the gate. Harry opens some app on his phone that allows him to view out onto the camera that’s at the gate, and a little smile quirks on his lips as he taps some button.

“Nick’s here,” he announces. He’s already dressed, as well, and I can smell something good in the kitchen. The griddle out on the stove top and the syrup on the counter tells me that he’s made pancakes, and my mouth waters a little.

“Have you told him?” I ask as I grab a stack of plates out of the cupboard. I’m a little shocked by my own comfort in getting the dishes in his home, but I brush it off quickly. It may have been a while since the last time I was here, but we had spent a lot of time here, so I knew the lay out of the kitchen pretty well. I didn’t want to think too much into it.

“No, he just knows you’re here. Figured I’d tell him in person, otherwise he’d be yelling my ear off over the phone.”

“So you rather him yell your ear off in person? Where I now have to deal with him, too?” I ask over a chuckle. “At least you can hand up on him over the phone. Can’t do that when he’s in your house.”

Harry pauses as he hears his front door open. “You’re right. I didn’t think this through.”

I laugh as the door closes again, and the house is suddenly filled with Nick’s distinctive voice.

“Is that the lovely Micky I hear? Now that’s a laugh I’ve missed. Harry’s is so annoying. Your’s is like a delicate little chime. So beautiful.”

“Hey!” Harry protests, pouting at Nick as he rounds the corner into the kitchen space. “Made you breakfast and the first thing you do is insult my laugh. Not very nice. Don’t think you deserve pancakes, mate.”

“I’m just kidding, young Harold. Your laugh is adorable. Especially your little cackle,” Nick appeases, patting Harry’s cheek as he walks by.

I giggle as I place two pancakes on my plate. Nick is approaching me fast for a greeting, and I’m somehow calm about him finding out about the pregnancy. There’s no pressure with him finding out, I suppose. With Gemma and Anne there’d been the anxiety about how they were going to react because they were directly affected by the news. They’re the baby’s aunt and gran, after all. Nick is just the equivalent of a goofy uncle that’s not actually related to anyone, though, so the pressure of telling him is minimal. I know he’s going to take it in stride, maybe rib Harry a little bit, and then go on about how the baby is going to be the most spoiled little thing with Harry as a dad and all his famous friends. Nick is easy, and it’s a relief after how yesterday went.

“Oh, Micky, how I’ve missed your pretty face,” Nick sighs. I’m partly hidden behind the counter, so he’s still grinning as he gets closer. “Look at you, all glowing and tan. What do they put in the water in California? I need me some of it if it makes you look this good.”

“What water?” I ask with a scoff, referencing the current drought the state is in.

“Ooh, yeah, forgot about that,” he grimaces. “Sun is doing you good, though. Not that you’re not beautiful when you’re pale from dreary old England, but a tan is making you all golden. You tan even better than Styles does.”

“Thanks. Took me awhile to build up to this without burning right away,” I admit.

“Well, you look amazing,” he decides. “Come give me a hug. Haven’t seen you in forever, babe.”

I see Harry behind Nick, his stance a little stiff at the request. For once, I’m not worried, though, so I round the corner of the island and smile at Grimmy, who’s mouth drops open when he looks me over.

A startled laugh bursts from his mouth, and his hands automatically shoot up to clamp over it, stifling the sound. I can’t help but laugh at him and his reaction. “Fuck me,” he laughs, dropping his hands to lay them on my shoulders. “Holy shit. Look at you. Gonna be a mumma soon.” He pulls me into a hug, careful not to squish the tummy too much. “You did this, I’m assuming.” he asks, turning to peer over his shoulder at Harry.

“You say that like I did it on purpose.”

“You shagged her on purpose, right?”

Harry scoffs. “Well, yeah, that wasn’t an accident.”

“Sex makes babies, Harold.”

Nick sounds like a mum, and I am living for it.

“I understand that, Nicholas,” Harry sighs like he’s exasperated, even though there’s a small smile pulling at his lips. No matter how much Nick teases him, I think the ribbing is making him feel a little better.

“This is why it’s easier to be gay. No unplanned pregnancies.”

“Gay sex!” I exclaim like it’s just dawned on me. “Should’ve considered that sooner. Would have kept me out of trouble.”

“You enjoy cock too much to have gay sex,” Harry argues before realizing what it is he’s said. As soon as he processes the words, his hand slaps over his mouth and his eyes widen as he looks between me and Nick guiltily.

Nick bursts out laughing, leaning into my side. I can’t help but chuckle at Harry’s outburst too, not having expected it from him ever. The only time I have ever heard him utter the word ‘cock’ is in reference to his own and said cock was doing very pleasurable things to my body. Hearing it so casually fall from his mouth is quite humourous, even if he was taking the mick out on my sexuality.

“You’re not wrong,” I admit with a shrug once Nick’s laughter has calmed to short little chortles. “I was quite partial to yours, as well.” That just sets Nick off on another cackling fit.

“I am so sorry,” Harry urges. “I don’t know where that came from.”

“You’re sexually frustrated, mate,” Nick insists. “Haven’t gotten laid in forever, now Mick’s here in your house, looking all fit and carrying your child. Don’t know if you two are fucking again, but you should be. Can’t imagine your hormones aren’t begging for it, too,” he adds, looking at me.

While he’s not wrong—my hormones have me constantly fired up and begging for some sort of sexual contact—I’m not about to tell Nick that in front of Harry. We may have had sex—amazing sex, at that—together once upon a time, but we’re not in that space anymore. Being pregnant and by myself was bad enough, but now being around the extremely attractive father of my unborn child regularly has made it even worse. The shower head at my flat has gotten a lot of work recently, and I’ve already gone through a new change of batteries on the vibrator I keep in my bedside drawer since Harry re-entered my life.

“We are not having this conversation.” Harry shakes his head.

“He gets pissy when he’s horny,” Nick stage whispers to me, looking very pointedly at Harry.

Harry flushes a pink tinge as he huffs. “I do not get pissy,” he objects. “I just don’t think discussing our sex lives is great breakfast conversation.”

“It’s only not good breakfast conversation because you’re not getting laid,” Nick protests.

“Yeah, well neither are you!”

Nick opens his mouth to argue, but I cut him off, desperately needing the back and forth to end. My stomach is growling with hunger and I really just want the pancakes and to enjoy my last day in London before flying back to LA.

“Alright, alright. None of us are getting laid, which sucks, but such is life when you’re an international pop star, a gay man, and a pregnant woman. Now, can we please eat? The little girl is getting hungry, and when the little girl is hungry, mummy is hungry.”

Nick’s face softens as he peers down at me. “It’s a little girl?” he coos. I nod. “Aw, Harry, you’re gonna have a little girl to spoil! Gonna have daddy wrapped around your little finger, aren’t ya?” Nick cradles my stomach as he continues to coo in conversation to our unborn child.

When I look to Harry over Nick’s head, he’s grinning softly, a sort of awed expression on his face as his eyes graze over my stomach. I know how scared he’s been since finding out that he’s going to be a father, but in that moment I see the excitement and love he already has for his daughter, and my heart flutters a little at the thought.

His eyes flick up to mine and his smile widens. I smile back, bottom lip tucked between my teeth. No matter how tough navigating all this may be, I have a good feeling that we’ll be okay.

Nick somehow convinces us to go out and enjoy the relatively nice day in London. He assures both Harry and me that you can’t see my belly when I put on the poncho and keep it relatively closed in the front. So, with that little bit of persuasion, Harry drives us out to the center of the city where Nick wants to do some shopping, and even though Harry says he’s not going to buy anything, I already know he can’t pass up the opportunity if we’re in a Gucci store.

As soon as we’re out of the car and strolling down the street, a small group of girls and what appears to be their mum approach Harry and Grimmy, asking for photos. I offer to take the photo like I’m used to doing at this point, but the mum shrugs me off politely and takes it herself. I stand on the sidelines and watch as Harry and Nick talk to the girls and pose for photos, all smiles, peace signs and thumbs up. I see the girls eyes flick to me every once in a while, and I’m sure the news of Harry and I hanging out together in London will be on Twitter as soon as they walk away.

We get to the Gucci store without anymore stops, and I have a good time watching Nick and Harry bicker back and forth about what items look good and what’s going to be big this summer, like they’re actually knowledgable and don’t just throw on whatever they think looks good. Nick teases Harry about some of the shirts he picks out, even though he then proceeds to grab ones that look shockingly similar. When I chuckle, they both throw playful glares at me, and I just shrug.

When we finally leave Gucci—Harry having bought five shirts after he very explicitly said he wasn’t going to buy anything—Nick spies a store front and quickly darts across the street.

“Where are you going?” Harry calls.

“Store!” he calls back. “You two stay over there! Go into Coach or something. Micky could use a new purse.”

“Hey!” I protest, looking at the purse hanging from my elbow. “This is Burberry. Trev bought it for me.”

“Fine, no purse! Just go do something!” He disappears into the store, and when I look up at the name of the shoppe, I realize why he doesn’t want Harry and I coming after him. It’s very obviously a baby store, one that is designer, I’m assuming.

Harry shakes his head and wraps an arm around my shoulder to usher me into a cafe. “Want some tea or something?” he asks.

“What tea doesn’t have caffeine in it?” I ask.

“Forgot that you’re not supposed to have caffeine,” he mutters. “Herbal teas. Chamomile and such.”

I nod. “Chamomile sounds good. Better get Grimmy something, too.”

“True. Such a damn drama queen,” he gripes with a fond smile. I go to grab a table while Harry orders, and when he comes to join me Nick walks through the door, an obscenely large green bag hanging on his arm with his just as large Gucci bag, a triumphant smile on his face.

“What have you done?” I ask as soon as he takes one of the vacant seats at the table.

“Figured since I probably won’t see you until after the baby is born, I’d be a proper uncle now,” he nodded once.

“Buying the whole bloody store was necessary?” I ask, peering at how the bag is pretty much overflowing.

“Well, I had to get things in different sizes, Micky. Babies grow, ya know?”

“You’re ridiculous,” I mutter as Harry comes back to the table with our drinks.

“What have you done?” he asks as he sees the large bag by Nick’s side.

Once Nick gives the same explanation that I received, we fall into comfortable conversation about what’s been happening lately. I ask Nick how everything’s going with BBC. I obviously don’t get the station in America, and the time difference is too big for me to stay up and live stream it when it airs. I get snippets of it from YouTube videos and on Twitter, but other than that, I’m pretty much out of the loop.

He regales me with stories of different interviews and ridiculous things he’s seen over the last few months, and both Harry and I are laughing so hard we’re crying at one point. Nick is an amazing story-teller and makes everything ten times funnier just by his own reactions to things. I always knew he had an amazing personality, just from listening to the Breakfast Show and being a fan of Harry’s, but actually speaking to him and getting to know him is so much better than I could’ve imagined.

I’m wiping away the last of my tears, still slightly giggling, when I look out the shoppe windows, and my laughter immediately stalls.

“Harry,” I mutter.

He’s still chuckling slightly when he looks at me, a question in his eyes. I nod my head toward the window, urging him to look. When he sees the small crowd of paps waiting on the sidewalk, his face automatically drops into a scowl. “Fucking hell.”

Nick looks over his shoulder to where Harry and I are looking, and, in typical Nick fashion, comes back with a joke. “Jesus. Don’t know why they swarm places like this. I’m not even that famous. Need to get off my dick.”

I choke out a laugh, and Harry flashes a bit of a smile before pursing his lips. “Let me ask the owner if there’s a back way out.”

“There’s only a few of them, Haz,” Nick reasons. “Plus, it’s not like they can’t see you disappear into the back. Whole storefront is pieces of glass.”

“I just don’t want Micky to have to deal with this,” Harry sighs.

“I’ll be fine,” I assure. “Done it before, yeah?”

“Yeah, but you weren’t six months pregnant, then,” he grumbles. Nick gives him a withering look, and Harry groans. “Fine. But stay next to me. We’ll get to the car as fast as possible.”

“Try not to make headlines this time, yeah?” Nick suggests teasingly, referring to the last time Harry and I got caught in a crowd of paps. Harry yelling at the photographer after one had touched me while we were exiting Nick’s party back in August made news in just about every major gossip rag, and I even saw it on TMZ when I got back to the states. The media had let it go pretty quickly, but I wasn’t blind to the comments from fans about how they were freaking out that Harry had called me his girl and I had been spotted with him several times, both in London and in New York. I stopped paying attention, so I don’t know how long all that lasted, but it was sure to pick back up again now that Harry and I were being seen together again.

“Fuck off,” Harry bit out, a smirk softening his words. Nick just cackled a little as he grabbed his bags and helped me out of my chair.

“Stay between Harold and me, yeah? Try to keep you hidden a bit, babe.”

So, as we headed out, Harry walked out first, my hand clutched in his as Nick walked out behind me, hands on my shoulders to keep the paps away from us. They all shouted Harry’s and Nick’s names as we walked by, making comments to Harry about the band’s hiatus and asking who I was. I kept a hand clutched to the poncho I was wearing, keeping the front closed to keep the bump concealed, praying that they didn't get any photos where it was obvious that I was pregnant. I knew it would come out at some point, but I wanted there to be just a little more time before then.

The paparazzi presence isn’t as crazy in England as it is in America, which is one thing that I’m grateful for. There are only a handful of people wielding cameras outside the cafe, and Harry appeases them by asking how their days are and wishing them good ones when we get through them. When someone shouts to ask who I am, he very coldly remarks, “Don’t worry about it, mate,” not even turning to look at who asked.

When we finally round a corner and get rid of the small swarm, Harry pulls me into his side, arm around my waist. Nick saddles up to my other side, seeming to still protect me even after we made it out of the mess.

“You alright?” he asks, checking me over with his eyes.

“Yeah, I’m alright, Harry,” I confirm. “That was nothing compared to how they were in New York.”

My mention of the constant attention and harassment I was getting when I returned to New York after my time in England with Harry last time has him pursing his lips. I’m sure he saw how bad it was online and through videos I know got uploaded to YouTube and Twitter and the like. Not to mention, we’d talk about it back when we were still talking, and he had been particularly furious about it then, so I’m sure his feelings about it hadn’t changed. Like I said, paps in America are a lot more bold than they are in the UK.

“Come, on, let’s get home. We’ve got a flight in a few hours.”

THIRTY

#harry styles #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles imagine #one direction #No Control #harry styles fluff #harry styles fanfic #dad!harry

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paleorecipecookbook · 7 years ago

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6 Ways to Naturally Beat Anxiety (Plus the 7 Best Foods to Eat)

An expected rush of energy or tension than manifests from a future or potentially looming situation can be a good thing—your body is telling you to focus and pay attention. But it can also be extremely stressful for people who are prone to regular anxiety problems. (1) When the proportion of anxiety for a situation is distorted or magnified, or your symptoms overrun your life, it’s time to find better ways to address it instead of just passing it off as temporary or a form of excitement.

What Causes Anxiety?

The symptoms of nervousness, anxiety, and excitement can all be quite similar:

Racing heart and increased pulse

Sleeplessness

Tension

Confusion

Cold sweats

Stomach upset or “flip-flops”

Dry mouth

The causes for anxiety disorders are not pinned down officially but are most likely caused by a combination of genetic, environmental, physiological, and developmental factors. (2)

Can Anxiety Be Naturally Improved?

If you are privy to this special high-anxiety club, you know where I am coming from when I say that I will try just about anything to alleviate stress when and where I can. High anxiety is terrible.

As an instant gratification nation, we are always up for the quickest fix when it comes to losing weight, avoiding colds, and yes, even alleviating symptoms of anxiety and stress. A pill, a fad diet, a shot: often time these are very necessary, but like most things, when you are diligent, disciplined, researched, intentional, and thorough in your daily choices, you can have a healthy trickle-down effect throughout all of your bodily functions, systems, and even your psyche.

If you are already maintaining a clean diet, you may notice less of these ailments surfacing in your life. Eating clean means more than just keeping fit and physically in shape, it also means keeping your mood sound and stable as well! You may not see the quick-fix effects of the shortcuts, but when healthy practices become your lifestyle, the perks keep coming and have longer lasting results.

Not only is it important to avoid foods that may spike contributing symptoms of anxiety, but to also eat foods that promote well-being and mental fitness. Below are some mood supporting methods and tips for happy-mind boosting meals and preparations, as well as some things to avoid in your diet when it comes to irritability and stress. You may just need a few tweaks here and there to see massive results in the mind, mood, and mental health arena.

Please note: we aren’t saying that all anxiety can be eaten away. Anxiety and other mental health disorders can be serious, so if you’re struggling, make sure that you seek out help from a qualified professional immediately.

Cravings and Overeating

Cravings are like deficient little soldiers screaming, “You want crunchy, salty, sweets NOW, or this plane is going down!” It is easy to cave and grab processed and refined snacks when we are already feeling bad.

Anxiety and depression can be like parasites. They feed on refined empty carbs, growing and growing, taking over and developing more cravings and addictions. We crave processed foods and quick fixes like sugary snacks and caffeine because they falsify happiness feelings by spiking blood sugar and energy levels. The crash is hard and fast, causing your system to go into overdrive. Now your organs and your brain are both stressed out.

The habits of giving in to cravings associated with moods can quickly lead to binges or completely falling off the wagon. The guilt of eating processed foods alone is enough to give you feelings of anxiety. A too-full tummy disrupts healthy digestion and sleep, not to mention shame and discomfort.

Overeating can also be triggered by stress. Even if you are eating healthy foods, overeating is not good for your physical or mental health. Eating consistently and thoughtfully is the best way to avoid a two-hour binge marathon on either junky or healthy foods. Too much is too much.

6 Ways to Naturally Combat Anxiety

When you’re tired of the cycle of anxiety, over-eating, stress-eating, or falling into junk food cravings, there are some simple ways to start a pattern of healthiness. These six tips can not only lead to more balanced eating, but they can help to curb anxiety patterns or to help lead to better mental wellness.

1. Cut Out the Sugar

Break the blood sugar crashing cycle and eat regularly. This helps to avoid junk food cravings. Incorporating foods into your diet with natural sweetness like carrots and apples can help train your taste buds into appreciating natural flavors over caustic and artificial ones.

Avoid processed foods and pay attention to food additives that create spikes and affect your mood. If you are already maintaining a Paleo lifestyle, you may notice that cutting out sugar (even Paleo forms) and starchier carbohydrates can decrease your cravings even more. Sticking with very minimally processed and whole foods is the easiest way to be sure you aren’t eating refined sugars on a daily basis.

2. Eat Regularly

Most people are familiar with being ‘hangry,’ which is the more adorable way of communicating that you are so hungry that you are actually angry. You may have low blood sugar, which is causing this irritability, anxiety, and even panic.

Keeping your blood sugar steady means maintaining your serotonin production, which is a chemical that is naturally occurring in the human body that is said to contribute to mood stabilization. (3) Eating regularly, especially meals that are balanced by healthy fats and proteins, can provide balance.

3. Go Caffeine Free

Being over-caffeinated can cause dehydration, which can be linked with depression and other anxiety symptoms. (4) Coffee promotes alertness and awakeness, but can also cause irritability and major jitters as well as being disruptive of restful sleep patterns.

Quitting java cold turkey has similar effects so if you are interested in giving caffeination the boot, phase it out slowly by drinking bone broth or golden milk, or use bulletproof coffee for a more gentle and time-released caffeine fix.

If you’re like me and you love the ritual of hot coffee in the morning, you may need to find something else to replace it. Consider waking up and going into an immediate 10-minute meditation or morning stretch session, or switch your hot cup of morning brew to herbal tea.

4. Stay Hydrated

Staying hydrated can help with a plethora of anxiety-prompted ruts. (5) Your body runs more smoothly when it has plenty of water, not just from drinking it, but also from eating water-packed foods, like fruits and leafy greens.

Start your day, before you do anything else, by drinking a large glass of water. If you want to follow with a hot beverage of some kind afterward, that’s fine, too. But water is irreplaceable when it comes to being a healthy person, mentally and physically.

5. Manage Your PMS

If you are already maintaining a clean diet void of all the common triggers, take your eating a few steps further by focusing on hormone balancing. Menstrual irregularities, as well as reproductive hormones in general, can contribute to food cravings, anxiety, and mood imbalances.

Herbal tea preparations like red raspberry and supplements like chaste tree berry can help to naturally temper problematic cycles. Magnesium citrate can also aid in reducing cramping and other muscular discomforts, while promoting a calm nervous system and mind. (6,7,8)

Additionally, using a tracking method for your cycle can help to identify anxiety patterns related to hormones, which can better equip you to address them.

6. Avoid Junk foods

Foods that are riddled with sugar and additives, or are deep fried, packaged, and highly processed are void of nutrients and can exacerbate symptoms of anxiety. This is because they interfere with the normal bacterial balance in the gut. Your gut is important for not only your physical health but your mental health as well. (9)

The psychological and physical connection between the brain and the gut is a two-way street. Your brain sends signals to your gut, but your gut also sends signals to your brain. Anxiety or nervousness can be either a cause of or a product of poor digestion, or both.

Fried and processed foods are typically low in fiber and saturated with denatured and often rancid, low quality cooking oil. Foods like these will either move through your gastrointestinal tract quickly, causing diarrhea, or sit there too long, causing constipation or other digestive problems. If you want to keep your anxiety in check, avoid foods that do not nourish you and which also mess up your gut.

7 Best Nutrients to Eat for Anxiety

While you can improve anxiety by following the six tips above, there are also specific nutrients and foods that can effectively reduce anxiety and work toward bringing more balance and calm to the body.

1. Amino Acids

Amino acids are building blocks within the body. They are core components of proteins, but they also fulfill duties of creating neurotransmitters and producing hormones. Nine out of 20 amino acids are essential, eight of which we need to live and function. The only way to get these essential amino acids is from outside sources, like diet.

Amino acids like tyrosine and tryptophan make the neurotransmitters dopamine and serotonin, which regulate mood and ease symptoms of aggression. (10) Getting these essential amino acids is important for many reasons, some of which have everything to do with mental health and neurological development.

Foods that are naturally rich in essential amino acids include:

Eggs

Pineapple

Nuts and seeds

Turkey

Spirulina

Parsley

Figs

Leafy greens

Cacao

Avocados

2. Protein

Eating high quality protein will also supply your body with essential amino acids that are necessary for neurological health. (11) Not only will you feel fuller longer, but your body will be able to effectively build and repair muscle tissue, as well as maintain a steady production of neurotransmitters to combat anxiety.

Foods that are the best sources of clean protein include:

Eggs

Grass-fed beef

Pastured pork

Free range chicken

Wild caught tuna

Chia seeds

Hemp seeds

Pumpkin seeds

3. Tryptophan

Tryptophan is an essential amino acid, best known for its sleep-inducing effects after gorging on Thanksgiving turkey. Eating foods rich in tryptophan can increase your production of serotonin, which can make you feel calm. (12)

Serotonin is a chemical produced by the brain to regulate mood, and tryptophan is key for the body’s production. Your body does not produce tryptophan on its own, so eating foods rich in this amino acid is essential.

Foods rich in tryptophan include:

Turkey

Nuts

Seeds

Red meat

Chicken

Seafood

Eggs

4. Omega-3 Fatty Acids

Omega-3 fatty acids are well-known for their effect on alleviating symptoms of depression as well as attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). (13)

Oily fish contain docosahexaenoic acid (DHA) and eicosapentaenoic acid (EPA), which are the two primary amino acids found in omega-3s. Certain plants, seeds, and nuts are sources of alpha-linolenic acid (ALA), which converts into both DHA and EPA in the body.

A diet rich in omega-3s can alleviate symptoms of stress, anxiety, improve cognition, and even temper aggression. (14)

Foods rich in omega-3s include:

Sardines

Mackerel

Halibut

Salmon

Oysters

Flax seeds

Chia seeds

Sea vegetables

Walnuts

5. Folate

Folate refers to tetrahydrofolate derivatives, which are naturally found in foods, as opposed to folic acid which is a synthetic compound that is fully oxidized. Folic acid is a manmade nutrient usually found in fortified foods and supplements. The two terms used interchangeable quite often when it comes to talking about nutrients, but they aren’t at all the same thing.

Folate is required for numerous body processes, including mood balance and neurological development. Folate coenzymes are required for the metabolism of several important amino acids as well as other essential body processes and conversions. Because some people lack the ability to convert folic acid into usable folate, eating foods that have naturally occurring folate is essential for brain and body health.

Foods rich in natural folate include:

Eggs

Spinach

Collard greens

Mustard greens

Romaine

Asparagus

Broccoli

Citrus fruits

Berries

Sunflower seeds

6. Vitamin B

The B family of vitamins is broad, but most notably B6 and B12 have extensive benefits for energy metabolism and nervous system function. Research shows that B12 has a major impact on depression and neurotransmitters and that even a slight deficiency can produce significant symptoms. (15) B6, along with folate, help B12 to be properly absorbed and utilized, and a deficiency in one can result in symptoms of deficiency in others.

Foods naturally rich in B vitamins include:

Poultry products

Bananas

Clams

Oysters

Mussels

Crabs

Eggs

Beef and other red meats

Almonds

7. Vitamin D

Lack of vitamin D, particularly in the winter months, is a major contributor to the winter blues or seasonal affective disorder. Sunshine is the most potent source of vitamin D, thanks to the liver’s ability to use cholesterol to convert skin exposure into this usable nutrient, so in those gloomy months when there is next to none, it’s important to increase vitamin D in other ways. There aren’t many dietary sources that are high in vitamin D, so consulting a practitioner and using a high-quality vitamin D3 supplement may be beneficial.

Foods that contain some vitamin D include:

Liver

Egg yolks

Mushrooms

Fish eggs

Salmon

Bottom Line

Anxiety can range from being an irritation to a debilitating problem. When it impacts your personal and professional life, and natural wellness aids don’t seem to help, make sure that you consult a qualified practitioner to find answers for your health needs.

The post 6 Ways to Naturally Beat Anxiety (Plus the 7 Best Foods to Eat) appeared first on PaleoPlan.

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gethealthy18-blog · 5 years ago

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337: Science-Backed Strategies for Happiness Even During Stressful Times (With Yale Professor Dr. Laurie Santos of The Happiness Lab)

New Post has been published on https://healingawerness.com/news/337-science-backed-strategies-for-happiness-even-during-stressful-times-with-yale-professor-dr-laurie-santos-of-the-happiness-lab/

337: Science-Backed Strategies for Happiness Even During Stressful Times (With Yale Professor Dr. Laurie Santos of The Happiness Lab)

Child: Welcome to my Mommy’s podcast.

This episode is sponsored by UpSpring Baby, a company making innovative science-backed products for moms and babies. And I want to tell you about one of their products in particular because even though I’m not even currently pregnant or have tiny babies, it’s been really helpful to me. I really like their Stomach Settle Nausea Relief drops, which are great for any kind of stomach upset from motion sickness, which I get and a couple of my daughters get, to morning sickness. which I thankfully do not have right now because I’m not pregnant, but any kind of bloating or digestive upset at all. I love to keep this on hand and my kids like them too. They help relieve nausea, motion sickness, gas, bloating, and any kind of digestive upset. In fact, I keep these in my car, in my kind of like emergency kit in each of my cars, and also in my purse just to have on hand because tummy aches can be a thing when out and on-the-go. Their lemon-ginger-honey flavored Stomach Settle drops contain not just one but three natural remedies for digestive upset, ginger, spearmint, and lemon. Plus, they contain vitamin B6 to help relieve occasional nausea, motion sickness, gas and bloating. Their ingredients are micronized, meaning that they provide faster-acting relief, and they have been really helpful, like I said, especially for motion sickness. They’re individually wrapped. They’re great for on-the-go, and I was able to negotiate a discount just for you. You can check this out at upspringbaby.com/pages/wellnessmama, and the code wellness10 saves you 10%.

This podcast is sponsored by BLUblox. That’s B-L-U-B-L-O-X, which is an advanced light-filtering eyewear company. You’ve probably seen pictures of me on social media wearing orange glasses of various types at night. And here’s why. In nature, we aren’t exposed to certain types of light after dark, specifically, blue light, because that type of light signals the body that it’s daytime. That in turn suppresses melatonin and can interfere with sleep. This is the reason that a really dramatic study found that camping for seven days straight with no artificial light at all could actually completely reset and heal circadian rhythm and help a lot of light-related problems, like seasonal affective disorder. This is also the reason that I wear orange glasses after dark to block these types of light and protect my sleep, which I am adamant about protecting. I also wear certain types of yellow glasses and anti-fatigue glasses during the day if I want a computer to reduce eye fatigue. BLUblox has orange glasses and yellow glasses. Their orange glasses for nighttime wear are designed to block 100% of the wavelengths between 400 nanometers and 550 nanometers, which are the ones that are studied to interfere with sleep and melatonin production, and circadian rhythm. My kids also wear these kinds of glasses at night. And I noticed a difference in their sleep as well, which is a huge win for a mom. This is especially important when we’re watching a family movie at night or looking at any kind of screen as the artificial light, there is a source of blue light and can interfere with sleep. You can learn more, they have a ton of educational content and check out all of their innovative protective glasses by going to blublox.com/wellnessmama and using the code wellnessmama to save 15%.

Katie: Hello and welcome to The Wellness Mama Podcast. I’m Katie from wellnessmama.com and wellnesse.com. That’s wellness with an E on the end, our new personal care line of completely safe and highly effective personal care products. I think this episode is extremely timely considering the dynamics that all of us are navigating right now. I am here with Dr. Laurie Santos, who’s a Professor of Psychology and head of the Silliman College at Yale University as well as the host of the critically acclaimed podcast, The Happiness Lab. And after observing a disturbing level of unhappiness and anxiety among her college students, she began teaching a course entitled “Psychology and the Good Life” which quickly became the most popular course in Yale’s history with over a thousand enrollees in the first class and has also reached almost 2 million people from all over the world through an online version, which will be linked in the show notes at wellnessmama.fm if you would like to check it out. And although she’s now best known as a happiness expert, her research also explores the broader question of what makes the human mind unique? And often includes comparing the cognitive capabilities of nonhuman animals to humans. And in this episode, we go really deep on not just the science of happiness and what we know about things that lead to happiness versus those that don’t, but also some research-backed practical strategies that we can all implement even during these uncertain times that lead to more happiness. It was a really, really fun interview, and I know that you will enjoy it and learn from it just like I did. So, without further ado, let’s jump in.

Dr. Santos, welcome. Thank you for being here.

Dr. Santos: Thanks so much for having me on the podcast.

Katie: I am so excited to have you here. I think your research is incredible and especially vital right now. I think we have some great topics to dive into today. But for people who are not familiar, let’s start broad, can you tell us about what “The Happiness Lab” is?

Dr. Santos: So “The Happiness Lab” is a podcast that I host which is all about the science of happiness. And the basic premise of “The Happiness Lab” is that our mind kind of lies to us about the sorts of things that make us happy. So we all have these hypotheses about the sorts of things we should do to feel better. You know, we could change our job or switch our relationships or, you know, basically change our circumstances in some sense. But the science suggests that those things don’t really have the impact on happiness that we think. And so the podcast is all about the kinds of things you can do to really feel better in an evidence-based way.

Katie: I love that. And that kind of came from, you teach at Yale from what I’ve read, is that correct?

Dr. Santos: Yes. So I’m a professor at Yale. And a couple of years ago, I started a new class on Yale’s campus on the science of happiness, it was called Psychology and the Good Life. And the class emerged out of the fact that in my new role on campus as a head of college where I live with students, I started to see that students were, like, a lot more unhappy than I remember being in college. You know, students were incredibly depressed and overwhelmed and just kind of anxious all the time and that was really frustrating because these were, you know, students that I cared about who are in my residential college community.

But it was also frustrating because as scientists, we really know that there is evidence-based practices that we could engage in to feel better, you know, there are these incredibly simple interventions that all of us can be doing to improve our wellbeing. Again, like not incredibly but with, you know, significance and in ways that can really improve our functioning. And so I decided to develop this new class to teach my Yale students all about these different interventions about the science of happiness and what they could do to feel better.

What I didn’t expect is that it would become the largest class ever in Yale University’s history, over a thousand students enrolled in the class, which was really surreal and very surprising. But that made me realize that, you know, there’s a huge demand for this kind of content. And so the podcast was a reaction to that demand, it was a way to give the content of the class to folks who might not have time for an Ivy League course on their own.

Katie: I love that. And you have some incredible episodes, I’ll make sure I link to some of those in the show notes here. Before we jump into kind of understanding the psychology of happiness and practical ways that we can move toward that, how do you define happiness as a term? Because I feel like maybe there’s a lot of misconstrued definitions of that word.

Dr. Santos: So there’s, you know, probably as many definitions of happiness as there are, like, kinds of happiness and things. I think one of the ways we think about it in the podcast and in my class is to take more of a, like, nerdy social scientist definition of happiness, it’s kind of the definition that scientists use, but I think it actually works pretty well. And so we think of happiness as having two parts. So it’s being happy in your life and being happy with your life. So being happy in your life is just the fact that things feel good to you on a day-to-day basis. You experience lots of positive emotions, things like joy and happiness and laughter, and you experience, you know, fewer negative emotions, so less depression and anxiety and sadness and anger and things like that. So that’s kind of being happy in your life.

But there’s a second component, too, to happiness, which is to be happy with your life. And by that I mean, all things considered, you’re kind of satisfied with how your life is going. And so what the research suggests is that maximizing those two parts, kind of happy in your life and happy with your life, is really the way to promote a really high subjective wellbeing. And you can get to associations between those. I think lots of parents have experienced at least one where it’s like, you know, when you first have a newborn baby, I think you’re really happy with your life, you know, you feel your life is so meaningful and you have this new child to take care of, but in your life, you know, it’s a lot of, like, not sleeping and dealing with the really dirty diapers. And so I think there are times when those things can split but if you really want to maximize happiness, the best way to do it is to make sure you’re experiencing lots of positive emotion and feeling really satisfied generally with how your life is going.

Katie: Got it. Okay, that makes sense. And I’m guessing with this next question, the answer will be that there is probably a very individualized and personalized answer for each person. I work on the nutrition side of health and more and more, I’ve come to find that, while there are some generalities, finding our own very personalized nutrition and health plan requires self-experimentation and that the answer isn’t the same for everybody. But I’m curious, so maybe the better way to word the question would be what common denominators have we found that separate people who have both of those kinds of happiness from people who don’t?

Dr. Santos: Well, there are lots of different factors and they’re not the ones we expect, you know, we assume that the people who have lots of joy and happiness with their life are, like, the incredibly successful people, you know, people with tons of accolades or really good circumstances. But the data suggests that our life circumstances matter a lot less than we think. You know, how rich you are, what job you have, if you’re in a relationship. All that stuff doesn’t matter as much as we think.

What matters more are a few things. One is kind of exactly what you were saying, healthy habits. And those can be healthy habits in regard to eating, those can be healthy habits in regard to sleep and especially in regard to exercise. There’s work suggesting that a half-hour of cardio a day is about as effective as a prescription of Zoloft, the anti-depression medication for reducing depression symptoms. So we forget that, you know, the way we treat our bodies can matter a lot.

But a second thing that we really need to improve happiness in our life and with our life is social connection. We think of happiness as being about self-care, you know, this idea of “treat yourself” sort of thing. But in practice, the truly happy people out there tend to be really other-oriented. You know, they’re worried about what’s going on with other people. You know, they really want to reach out and do random acts of kindness. They’re really grateful for the people who are around them and they express that gratitude.

And most importantly, they really prioritize time with the people they care about. Every available survey of happy people that I know about suggests that happy people spend more time with others, so they’re physically around other people more often and they often prioritize the people that they care about, you know, so they make time for, you know, their friends and family members and loved ones.

And so then a final piece of happiness I would say is generally sort of our mindset. You know, if we’re bringing a mindset of gratitude, of presence, of mindfulness, of noticing how we feel on a daily basis, those kinds of habits can really promote both the kind of the life satisfaction part of happiness but also the mood part of happiness, like feeling happy in your life also.

Katie: Got it. And I feel like there’s often an internal script, at least I know I can say this for myself of, “If only,” you know, fill in the blank, “then I would be happy.” And for me, it was like for a very long time struggling with weight, like, “If only I was this size, then I would be happy,” or, “If only my finances were this, then I would be happy.” And I think maybe we all have some version of that script that we kind of believe, even if it probably isn’t actually true. And I know for me, with the health and the body side, I actually had to completely shift that. And it was when I started loving myself and choosing to be happy and choosing gratitude that the weight stuff actually started resolving itself. But it took that getting rid of that script of, “If only this happened, then I would be happy,” and choosing, “I’m gonna be happy now,” and then that eventually resolved itself. But why do you think we want these things that don’t actually make us happier? What gets us in that script or that loop?

Dr. Santos: I mean, that’s the million-dollar question because I’m with you on every single part that you mentioned about like, you know, “When I’m skinny, I’ll be happy,” or, you know, “When my podcast gets to number one, I’ll be happy,” or whatever, right? Like we’re constantly putting our happiness on some circumstance in the future. And it’s wrong for two reasons. One is that, you know, we’re less likely to get there if we’re not happy actually.

So a lot of the research suggests that our causal arrow about happiness is backwards. We think success at reaching our goals will make us happy but there’s also a lot of research suggesting that happiness itself can help us reach our goals. So people who are happier tend to be healthier. You know, if you’re happier at time one, you’ll be less likely to catch diseases, you’ll be more likely to live longer. Happy people tend to perform better at work, you know, so happy people are those who get better performance reviews and so on.

Happy people are more likely to be in a relationship and more likely to be in happy marriages later on. And these are all studies that have been done longitudinally. So we can look at happiness at time one and see if that predicts, say, if you’re in a relationship at time two. And so I think that’s kind of part of it is that one of the biggest mistakes is that we get the causal arrow wrong. We think, “When I get, you know, X, Y and Z, I’ll be happy.” But actually for a lot of the things we want, focusing on being happy first will help us get the things that we want, the circumstances in life we want later.

But the other problem is that really, our circumstances aren’t the key to happiness, that’s really what the data suggests particularly with body image stuff. There’s lots of evidence suggesting that, you know, people who achieve their weight loss goals or people who get plastic surgery, you know, assuming that these kinds of things will make you happy. Like, they don’t make you as happy as you think or often for as long as you think. So then you can just kind of go back to those other random patterns.

Even if you get the things you want, if you’re stuck in that, like, bad loop of thinking, what happens is as soon as you get what you want, you just go back to thinking that but just for something else. And we’ve seen this, we actually have a whole episode of this on our podcast, an episode called “The Unhappy Millionaire” where we talk about this in people’s circumstances with money where people think, you know, “If only I could make $1 million, I’d be happy.” But then the research shows that as soon as people actually get that million dollars, then they’re like, “Well, now I need $50 million,” you know, “Now I need to be a billionaire,” right? “I can’t be happy until I’m actually a billionaire.”

And all the results suggest that, you know, once you get there, you’re still not gonna be happy. And so I think one of the things the research shows is that we need to break out of those thought loops and a way to break out of those thought loops is to realize the stuff that really does matter. Kind of exactly as you’ve shown in your story that once you got out of that loop and really focused on the stuff that mattered, like all of a sudden, the things fell into line anyway, all the circumstances fall into line anyway.

Katie: Exactly, that makes sense. And I love that you brought up, that’s a great episode I’ve listened to of yours, “The Unhappy Millionaire.” I’ll make sure I link to that. And I think we have a unique time to actually see that right now with all of the strange social dynamics and isolation that’s happening. And we have all of these celebrities that are stuck in their multi-multi-multimillion-dollar mansions and they’re not happy and they’re isolated. And we’re seeing this play out on social media and I know there’s been a lot of backlash against celebrity culture because of some of those factors.

But I think it’s also a really important time to talk about, you mentioned relationships being one of the big factors in happiness. And right now we’re kind of in this unprecedented time of isolation for a lot of people. So I’m curious if, A, if you have any just overarching strategies for dealing with a lot of the emotions that are happening for a lot of people right now that probably are interfering with happiness.

Dr. Santos: I think it’s really critical. I mean, I think just to kind of validate, like we are in a really incredible, surreal, strange, awful time in lots of ways. And so I think doing strategies that improve your wellbeing is more important now than ever. If in part because of the kinds of things I was saying and, you know, we get the causal arrow of happiness wrong. And there’s evidence suggesting that being happier can actually provide a little boost to your immune function. There’s studies where you introduce, like, subjects to respiratory viruses and you vary their mood and you look at who actually catches the respiratory viruses and you find that, like, having a happy mood or having a stance of being more positive actually makes you less likely to catch viruses.

Again, not like immune to viruses, obviously, like you should still be washing your hands, and socially distancing and all this stuff we know we need to do during COVID but, you know, it’s another way to kind of protect your body, too. So I think it’s even more essential now to be a little happier. But, you know, one of the main things I listed as relevant for happiness, social connection, is pretty hard in a time of social distancing. You know, many of us can’t do the social things that we are used to doing. You know, go out for brunch with friends or, like, hang out with our family members if they live far away. Like, those are the things that we’re not allowed to do because we’re trying to protect our physical health.

The good news is that social distancing doesn’t have to mean social disconnection. We can find ways to connect with other people, you know, through all kinds of technologies that we in our modern age are lucky enough to have. You know, you and I are talking right now over Zoom and even though you’re far away and, you know, we’re socially distanced from each other, we can really connect and have this really cool conversation. These are ways that we should be connecting with other people around us, using technologies from just, like, the good old fashioned phone to things like FaceTime and Zoom to talk to the people we care about just to see their faces, connect with them, that’s gonna be incredibly powerful during this tough time.

But we can also do things that are not necessarily as formal as we like to think with these technologies. I think lots of us know that we can use these technologies to connect, like, say, in like a work conference call or something like that or like you and I are doing, like for a podcast interview. But we forget that we can use these technologies to connect really informally, and that’s the social connection that we’re super missing right now. You know, like the chat with your friend at the water cooler at work or, you know, like having your neighbor stop by, you know, while you’re, you know, making dinner and she comes in for a couple of minutes or something. Those are the kinds of informal interactions we need to replicate over technologies, too.

And so I’ve been trying to do this myself of simple things like, you know, “I’m gonna do a yoga class online,” it’s like, “Well, let me just text my friend and see if she wants to do the same one with me.” Or I’m like chopping up, you know, vegetables for dinner or something and I’m just gonna be doing that for, like, a half-hour. And it’s like, “Oh, let me see if I can, like, Zoom call a good friend of mine up the street so we can just chat while I’m chopping vegetables,” or something. These kinds of informal uses of these technologies are gonna be really powerful for our wellbeing because they’re making up for the informal interactions that we’re missing during the day because of this crisis.

Katie: Those are great ideas. And my hope, I mean, like you said, this is completely unprecedented, we’ve never had to face something like this in our generation certainly before. My hope is that societally and then like as a group, we can keep some of the good things that might come from this. Like I’m hearing so many people gardening for the first time, for instance, or many people are learning or relearning how to cook at home and spending more time with their kids. And I think there can be good in a lot of the things that are happening right now. I also hope that as things start to open up eventually, it reminds us to have gratitude for those things we used to take for granted, for those quiet moments in the coffee shop or just getting to hug a friend or just getting to have those informal moments together, like you said. But I think from having listened to your podcast, another common theme when it comes to that, even while we’re still isolated, is gratitude. And you talk about gratitude in lots of different forms, but how does gratitude relate to happiness?

Dr. Santos: So there’s lots of evidence that gratitude is, in some ways, essential for happiness, like a completely free intervention you can take right now that will boost up your wellbeing significantly and for a really long time. We have a whole episode coming out in our second season of the podcast, which I don’t remember when you’re, like, you’re launching this, but I wanna say, we have a whole episode coming out in the second season of our podcast about the power of gratitude. And the problems with the opposite of gratitude, which is a great thing, right? Which I think is, like, very in right now culturally. Like everyone wants to complain and I feel like, especially in the context of COVID-19, there’s a lot of kind of complaining going around from, you know, sharing kind of memes about how stupid this is and complaining about socially distancing and all this stuff.

But the data suggests that really taking time to experience your blessings can be really powerful. There’s some work suggesting that the simple act of scribbling down three to five things you’re grateful for every day can significantly start boosting your wellbeing in as little as two weeks. And there’s also evidence suggesting that expressing your gratitude to the people around you can give longstanding boosts to your wellbeing. One study by the positive psychologist Marty Seligman and his colleagues show that the act of doing a gratitude visit where you, say, call somebody up and sort of share what you’re grateful for about them, with them, that can actually boost your wellbeing for over a month, so you see significant increases in wellbeing that lasts for over a month, which is kind of crazy and all we can all use right now.

But I think that the power of gratitude is that it’s just an emotion that makes you feel better and it also builds up resilience over time. And so right now the key is just to find, you know, blessings of our daily life or experience things that we’re grateful for. And I think kind of exactly what you said before is that this crisis has caused so many of us to realize all of these things that we should have been incredibly grateful for that we were just actively taking for granted. You know, for me, it’s like the weekly, you know, daily, even, like going to my coffee shop. Like, you know, I have my favorite coffee shop here in New Haven and I would go there and get coffee every day.

It wasn’t like every morning when I went there, I was just, like, incredibly happy and, like, savored that coffee and, like, knew that it was this huge blessing in my life, I just assumed it was something that I’d be able to do every day forever. But now in the context of this crisis, I realized like, “Oh, my gosh, I should have been incredibly grateful for that.” When I finally get out of this crisis and get to go get my favorite latte again, like, I’m gonna be ecstatic. And I think exactly as you were saying, there’s going to be so many things for which that is true. So many new habits that we can be grateful for but so many things we took for granted before that we’re going to really deeply appreciate once we get out of this.

Katie: Absolutely. I know, hopefully by the time this airs, maybe that’s starting to be in process in a lot of places, but even if it’s not, I think I’ve always thought, you know, it’s easy. I use the motto in my life quite a lot, “Amor fati,” which comes from Stoicism and it means basically “love of fate” or “love what is.” And I always think, you know, that’s an easy thing to follow when life was great and, you know, two months ago when life was normal and wonderful and I had so many things that were just, it was easy to find gratitude. And I feel like things like that or this is the actual measure of them and the test of them for us in our lives is, can we still find that gratitude when it’s hard?

So in some ways, this is a kind of a perfect time to practice gratitude because there are still many things to be grateful for, like you said, even in this crisis. And if we start looking for those now and develop that habit now, it’s gonna be even easier when things start to return, hopefully to more like they were before when we have even more to be grateful for. And in my own life, I know a couple of things that have really helped me is, like you mentioned, keeping a gratitude journal and I have a gratitude/art journal. So every day I just spend time jotting down things I’m grateful for and then also just doodling because that helps me just, like, mentally feel happy and I enjoy it and it’s kind of a therapy for me.

And then also with my kids at dinner, we try to make an effort to ask them, “What are you grateful for today?” Just to keep, even from a young age, have them start thinking of life through that lens of what are… And then they now look throughout the day to have ideas of things to be grateful for when we ask them just to start kind of framing their mind to look for the good and to look for the things to be grateful for. And I absolutely can understand, for a lot of us, it’s much harder than normal to do those things right now. But those are just a couple of practical strategies that have been really helpful for me personally.

Also, a lot of the people listening are parents and I feel like this crisis is maybe especially hard on parents who have kids now home 24/7 and who are now homeschooling with no notice whatsoever and who are taking on all of these extra roles and extra responsibilities and isolated for so long. So as parents right now and overall are there ways that we can improve our happiness or practical strategies specifically for parents? Because I think moms often get the advice of, “Oh, you just need to do more self-care. You need to find time for yourself,” and often that just feels like another to-do list item. So any advice specific to parents?

Dr. Santos: I mean, I think first is validating. Like, this is an incredibly challenging time generally. And it’s definitely not a time when we should start, you know, our new babysitting service or our new, like, math tutoring service for our kids but many of us are in this position. And so I think one of the pieces of advice for parents is just to employ some self-compassion here. And by that, I mean, like, don’t beat yourself up, you know, this situation is hard enough as it is without you feeling the, like, kind of social comparison of, you know, “That other mom is, like, teaching her kids about the planets and I’m just letting my kid, like, play Xbox.” Like, it’s fine. Like, this is not the time to beat yourself up.

And in terms of, like, how to do that because it’s one thing to say it, but it’s another to, like, actually do it, there’s some techniques that come from science that can be really powerful here. And so one of those techniques is a form of meditation known as loving-kindness meditation. It sounds a little cheesy but it’s a form of meditation where you really just try to experience compassion for the people in your life. So the practice is you literally sit down and you get in your kind of meditation seat or something and then think through the people in your life and wish them well. You know, so think about your kid or someone who’s really easy to feel compassion for and just say, you know, “May you be happy, may you be well, may you care for yourself joyfully,” these kinds of expressions of wishing the person well.

And then you kind of go through other people in your life. But the reason this practice is relevant for self-compassion is that one of the people you’re supposed to think those compassionate thoughts about is yourself. You know, so at some point in the meditation, you’re supposed to think, “May I be happy, may I be safe, may I care for myself joyfully,” and so on. And what the research suggests is that the act of doing these kinds of practices can really bump up the compassion you feel generally but it can especially bump up the compassion that you feel for yourself. It can make you stop beating yourself up a little bit.

These kinds of practices, they can also be really helpful against burnout because burnout is really about trying to do too much, either kind of not being compassionate for yourself or kind of just, like, so taking on the suffering of everybody else about, like, “What’s my kid gonna think?” or, “What’s my husband gonna think?” or, What’s my kid’s teacher gonna think?” and so on that you kind of don’t do the right things. You don’t end up protecting yourself. You take on more than you need to. And so through this power of self-compassion, you realize, like, the goal isn’t perfection, the goal is, like, “May I be well,” you know, “may I be happy,” and so you end up putting the right things into place. And so this is a practice that can be really powerful. It, too, is a thing that you kind of have to add to the to-do list, but it’s really part of the to-do list that is, like, a two-minute part of the to-do list.

You know, you can do a loving-kindness meditation by sitting on your meditation cushion for five minutes but you can also do it and think those positive thoughts, like, when you’re brushing your teeth or when you’re in the shower or when you have a kind of quiet moment when you’re first waking up in the morning. I’ve been trying to institute more positive thought meditation practices before I do the, like, pick-up-the-phone thing in the morning as the first thing. I’m like, “Wait, let me leave the phone and let me, you know, like, wish the people in my life a little compassion before I kind of pick up the phone and start checking email or panic-scrolling.” So, it is another thing you have to do, but it doesn’t actually take that much time and it can have huge, huge benefits.

Katie: I love that, that’s such great advice. I think anything practical right now is so helpful. To kind of loop back to something earlier, why, I know we talked about loops a little bit and that mental loop and focusing on happiness first. But why do humans, in general, want to pursue these things that don’t make us happy in the first place?

Dr. Santos: That is a million-dollar question. I feel like if we could just solve that one scientifically, we’d be such happier critters and, like, solve so much suffering in the world. One hint comes from the fact, I guess I’ll go with two hints, one hint comes from the fact that, you know, over evolutionary time, the goal of natural selection wasn’t necessarily to make us a happy species, it was to make us a striving species. You know, that got as many resources we could or as many reproductive partners as we could. And so, you know, our systems aren’t built to be happy, they’re built to, like, get more and more stuff and never feel satiated. And so that kind of comes a little bit from our evolutionary history.

We can fight it, of course, you know, we can be more mindful and come up with better strategies. But our natural habit, unless we put in some work, might be to kind of, you know, work and strive a little bit more than we need to to be happy. But a second insight actually comes from the way our brains are set up, which is one of the kind of annoying features of our own minds is the fact that we have different neural circuits for wanting things. So, like the things we crave are the things we seek out versus liking things like what we actually enjoy out there in the world. And so you can see these circuits dissociate most powerfully in the context of addiction.

So, say, if you have a heroin addiction and you’ve had a heroin addiction for some time, you’re gonna have incredible wanting for the drug. You’re gonna crave it like crazy and, you know, hurt people to get it. You’re gonna do all this stuff wanting this drug really badly, but when you finally get the drug, you’re so habituated to it that you don’t actually even enjoy it. Like it kind of just moves you to baseline, it doesn’t have the boost that it had before. And so that’s just one example that wanting and liking can dissociate.

But I think that this happens in all different contexts of our lives, you talked about body image and stuff. I experienced that myself where I could have many points in my life where I was, like, obsessed with how my body looked and really wanting to be skinnier and it would, like, my wanting system would get stuck on that all the time. But then at times when I actually had lost weight in my life, I didn’t even really enjoy it. Often, I wasn’t even really that mindful of it, it felt fine but it wasn’t, you know, the thing I was really looking for. And I think we can get that in all these different habit loops. “I really, really want a relationship,” or, “I really, really want this salary level,” but then you get it and you don’t actually like it, there’s this disassociation.

The same I worry is really true of the opposite, I’ve experienced this with a lot of wellness practices, right? Like, I really, really like doing yoga. I really, really like exercise, but I don’t have the same craving for it that I do for, like, a really unhealthy, you know, sugary food. Like even though I really like it, my, like, wanting system hasn’t gotten into gear. And so, you know, this raises a question of how you can get those two systems talking to each other, how you can link them up better. And the honest answer is, like, they’re just kind of separate and so it’s hard to do. But one way you can do a little bit better is to take time to be a little bit more mindful, is to kind of notice how practices really make you feel.

So if you have something that you’re really craving and you finally get it, take time to notice. Like, “Did I even really like that?” You know, like, I experience this a lot in my daily life with things like social media, right? Where I have this really strong urge to, like, check my email or, like, go on Twitter or something and I’ve been trying to take time to notice it. “How did that actually feel? Did I really like that?” Like, “No, like I felt kind of apathetic or a little gross,” or whatever versus things like, you know, healthier eating or meditation or yoga or something like that where afterwards I was like, “Huh, like I actually really liked that more than I expected, I feel resilient now, I feel healthier, I feel just calmer.” Taking time to notice and be mindful about what you like can sometimes help you update that wanting system where the wanting system can notice and be like, “Oh, that was pretty good. Like, maybe I should crave that a little more in the future.”

Katie: I love that. And I think you’re right. I think body image is especially a sticking point for a lot of women. Even women who have a lot of the other areas figured out and who are really, like, dialed in with their wellness practice or their kids or their career, I think that one is just, we’re probably evolutionarily wired because of those factors you mentioned in reproduction or, and also now society, there’s billion-dollar industries built on telling us we need to be and look a certain way.

And for me, I think it was realizing over time and then consciously changing that script in my head, it wasn’t that being skinny, I thought being skinny was gonna make me happy, but it was being skinny in my mind was a representation for feeling comfortable in my own skin and accepting my body and accepting myself. And I realized that was something I didn’t have to wait until I was a certain size to do. And so moving toward that, it was just amazing how I thought I was so laser-focused on the weight. And when I started changing the mindset, I realized I had the choice to have happiness right now. And that didn’t mean I wasn’t still gonna focus on wellness and I wasn’t still gonna try to lose weight and be healthier, but I was able to start choosing happiness to a large degree and accepting myself much more by switching the way that I thought of that in my mind. And certainly it was a long process. It wasn’t like I just woke up one day and did that. I just think women especially, that’s a really tough one to get through.

Dr. Santos: I know, I agree completely. And I think, I love this idea of, you know, change your mindset rather than try to change the circumstances because that can do a bunch of different things. One is it can make you grateful for what you have, right? Like it can make you realize like, you know, “Maybe my body is not totally perfect but it’s actually healthy, it’s doing what I want.” Like, you know, “It’s carrying me from place to place, it’s letting me take care of my kids.” Like it can allow you to realize that there are so many things to appreciate about your body.

And then what that does is it winds up, like, through the mechanism of appreciation, making you want to take care of your body, right? You know, so then you want to eat healthy or you want to sleep more, you want to exercise more. And doing those things is gonna wind up making you healthier no matter what your body size. You know, I subscribe a lot to these ideas of sort of health at any size which is that, you know, there’s a lot of things that control our body weight that are kind of out of our control, you know, your thyroid function and all this stuff.

But all of us, the thing we can control is what we’re putting into our bodies, how we’re moving our bodies, you know, how much sleep we’re getting and so on. And if you’re focusing on those things, then, like, the stuff you were really worried about with your body weight, you know, it’ll come into line naturally. Maybe because your body weight comes more into line with what’s healthy for you. But even if it doesn’t, like, the things you really wanted to get out of a healthy body weight, you’re gonna get anyway if you change your mindset.

Katie: That’s a great point.

Another factor that I know you’ve talked about in your podcast and that people probably can understand leads to happiness is some kind of version of charity or helping others. And I know personally, like, some of the times I felt the best have been when I wasn’t self-focused at all but focused on other people. And we see it certainly like in, when there’s natural disasters. We live in an area that got hit by a hurricane a couple of years ago and the community came together and we all focused on helping each other. And I know, like, the feeling of that, even though it was exhausting and it was horrible to see people who had lost so much but I felt so incredibly happy being able to tangibly do something to help other people. So can you talk about that link between happiness and charity and how focusing on others can often help us shift as well?

Dr. Santos: I’m glad you brought that up because I think this is another one of the misnomers about happiness. You know, we think happiness is about, you use the term “self-care,” but even more things like, “Treat yourself,” you know, “Do for yourself,” like, “Focus on yourself,” like self, self, self. But the science suggests that happy people don’t do that, happy people tend to give more to charity than not-so-happy people controlled for income. Happy people tend to volunteer more of their time.

And there’s research suggesting that if you take not-so-happy people or just average people and you make them do nice things for others, they will over time get happier. There’s one lovely study by the psychologist Liz Dunn and her colleagues where she has people, she walks up to people on the street and just gives them some money so, you know, “Here’s 5 bucks,” or, “Here’s 20 bucks,” on the street. But she tells those subjects how to spend it, they either have to spend that money on themselves by the end of the day, so kind of treat themselves, or they have to spend the money on someone else, they have to do something nice for someone.

And what she finds is that at the end of the day, the people who did the nice thing for others are happy. And I find this work so striking because, you know, often when I think if I’m in a bad mood or if I’m stressed or even, like, in the context of this crisis and kind of feeling panicked or whatever, often my instinct is to do something nice for myself. Like, “I’m gonna buy something for myself.” Like, you know, “I’m gonna do something for my money that just benefits me selfishly.” But the data really suggests that if I took that intuition when I was feeling yucky and did something for someone else, that would be even more powerful for my happiness.

And I think this is a really important thing to remember in the context of COVID-19 in part because, you know, so many of us want to do stuff to kind of improve our wellbeing and doing nice things for others is a good route for it. But also because many of us are getting these tiny little financial and temporal windfalls that we don’t expect, you know. So if you’re socially distancing at home, you might not be paying money for gas or for that subway token to do your daily commute, you know, so you’re saving some money that way. You might not be buying that daily coffee or that daily, you know, whatever you bought at the restaurant, you know, up the street from work, like, and so those are the, you know, $5 here, $10 there, those are little financial windfalls that a lot of us could use to do something nice for someone else.

So could you take that money that you’re saving on your daily coffee and donate it to a local business that you want to make sure survives this crisis? Could you take that little bit of money and donate it to a good cause? Or even if you don’t have any money because realistically, a lot of us are out of work or in worse financial situations now than before, but a lot of people have extra time on their hands. They’re getting these little temporal windfalls either because you’re not at work or even if you’re just not commuting, you have those extra few hours that you’re kind of saving.

And so if you’re in a situation of having a time windfall, what could you do with that time to help other people? Could you call an elderly neighbor who might need your help or could you make a call to a political campaign that you really cared about or advocate for, say, health care workers and make sure they get protective equipment that they need? All those little 5 minutes here, 10 minutes there that we might be saving in the context of this crisis, we can put those to good use.

And doing so, again, doesn’t just help our community and do exactly what you said in the context of the hurricane where you’re really helping other people out, it’s also helping your wellbeing, you know, which is a lot of why we want to spend our money and want to spend our time in the first place. We want to use it in ways that make us feel good and doing nice stuff for others is one way to do that.

Katie: That’s so great. And especially finding those practical ways, like strategies you mentioned, even right now while we’re still kind of disconnected physically from each other, we can still do that and use that as a strategy for happiness. So you mentioned your Yale course that, it was extremely popular, I believe I actually read it was the most popular course in Yale history. And you had all of these college students who really probably were struggling with trying to find happiness and there were probably a lot of overachievers and type-A personalities.

A lot of the people listening probably have younger kids, so not quite to the college-age yet. But I know that’s, I think that’s top of mind for me, which is how can I give my kids a strong foundation for happiness from an early age so that they’re not getting to college and finding that they’re unhappy to begin with. And I would guess some of the same strategies that apply for adults also really work for kids. But do you have anything specific that we can nurture? Like you mentioned, gratitude was a great one, but with our kids, even from a young age to kind of set them up for that mindset of happiness?

Dr. Santos: Well, I think the recommendation that you gave about, you know, having your kids talk about the things they’re grateful for over their dinner table can be incredibly powerful. You know, building these habits in early, I think, are really essential. But another one is to kind of make sure that as a parent, you’re not focused on your kids’ circumstances to make sure they’re happy. And so by that, I mean things like how many accolades they get, whether they’re winning their games, whether they’re getting perfect grades, like all of those things are the kind of things that, culturally, I think we think of as perfect.

You know, as a parent, you have to make sure, like, your kids are setting themselves up as well for their futures as possible. But, like, the way you do that might be to teach them these strategies to really make sure they’re prioritizing time with their friends and time with your family and building social connections, that they’re really prioritizing taking time off and taking time to be mindful and savor and notice the things around them. I often think that parents who try to instill in their kids things like a strong meditation practice or a strong habit of gratitude, like, you’re almost doing better for your kids than getting them perfect grades. Because actually the data suggests that by high school, there’s an inverse correlation between good grades and happiness. In other words, the happiest students tend to have the worst grades or vice versa, the students who have the best grades are not necessarily the ones that are happiest.

There’s also an inverse correlation between grades and optimism, so the students with the highest grades are the least optimistic and there’s also an inverse correlation between perfect grades and self-worth. So the kids who have the best grades actually, statistically, have some of the lowest self-worth. And so, again, just kind of getting the balance right in the kinds of things that you as a parent prioritize and the skill sets that you’re building in your kids, I think, can be incredibly powerful if giving them these tips early on. You know, I wish that I had kind of taken this class and, like, learned some of these tips when I was a kid because then I wouldn’t kind of be, you know, taking the wrong path for as long as I had in adulthood before I started to learn some of these techniques.

Katie: That’s awesome. And another area, so in researching you for this episode, you study happiness a lot and you’ve taught this at Yale, but from what I’ve read, you also study kind of what makes the human mind unique and, like, the differences between humans and nonhuman animals, and this is a fascinating topic to me. So I’d love to hear just kind of what that study looks like and what are some surprising things that you found in that?

Dr. Santos: So this was kind of my day job before I became sort of a happiness expert is that I’ve always been a psychologist. But as a psychologist, I really focus on this question of what makes the human mind special. And I’ve studied that by both working with nonhuman primates who live out in the fields. I worked with a group of rhesus monkeys on this island off the coast of Puerto Rico. But even more close to home, I do a bunch of studies looking at how dogs make sense of the world.

Dogs are this wonderful analogue for humans because they grew up in similar environments to humans, you know, they’re also, are around learning in the same way as your kid is learning. You know, they’re picking up on language and they’re watching you do stuff and so the question is like, you know, why does your kid turn out to be a human adult and your dog kind of doesn’t figure that out, right? And so we do that by sort of setting up a bunch of studies with pet dogs, so people bring their dogs in from the community and we do little quick studies with them that look like dogs playing little puzzle boxes or playing games.

But it lets us test what the dogs know about the world. And so we’re really interested in whether dogs share the same strategies in terms of learning from people as humans do, whether they understand some of the same things we do, we were really focused on how they socially evaluate. So humans often don’t just, like, see people out there, but we evaluate whether somebody is nice or mean or, you know, helpful or not helpful or, you know, competent or incompetent. And so we’re interested in whether or not some of those ways of viewing the world are shared with dogs, too.

And there’s not that much overlap between the kind of studies of animal thinking and the studies of happiness. I think one of the spots where we’re seeing similarities is that we’re finding lots of domains in which some of the biases that we have as humans, particularly the biases that we have to, like, learn from other people, those kinds of things might be more ingrained than we thought. You know, they might be either, like, new in humans and animals don’t show them or even some biases that are so old that they’re shared with monkeys.

And I think once you see that these biases can be really built into our evolution, it makes you realize that things like, you know, the fact that we’re prioritizing the wrong things or that we have these wrong intuitions, in some ways, it’s not really our fault. Like, it’s kinda evolution’s fault that they kind of built us sort of crappily, but through understanding the right science and through the right interventions, we can really overcome the limitations that evolution gives us and we can become better decision-makers in ways that we’re using our decisions to lead us to even more happiness.

Katie: That’s so cool. I think this whole area is fascinating and I know that you have many episodes on “The Happiness Lab” if people want to keep going deep on this and it’s really, truly a fascinating topic. And I think even just sometimes learning about this, it just kind of rewires your mind to look for the ways, look for gratitude, look for ways to be happy and to shift that focus. As we start to wrap up, what do you feel like are a few of the most important takeaways? If you had to kind of distill the research on happiness right now, and especially maybe through the lens of the current crisis, what would be a few of the most important takeaways that you would leave with the listeners?

Dr. Santos: I think we’ve talked about some of these but I think one takeaway is just that happiness is really important. You know, we think that happiness is the outcome but happiness can make it easier to have good relationships, it can make it easier to be productive in your life, it can even make it easier to protect your immune system. So focusing on happiness first is important. The second big tip, and maybe a big misconception is that happiness isn’t what we often think. You know, it’s not built into our circumstances, it’s not built into how much money we have or the stuff we often assume. We need to do something different if we want to be happier.

And then I think the third takeaway is that those things that we can do to be happier are within our reach but they really take some work. You know, it’s just as simple as taking time for gratitude or taking time to get your meditation in and eat, you know, eat a little healthier, exercise. But those things, if we put the work in, can reap huge benefits. So it takes some work but the benefits are huge.

Katie: I love it. And lastly, I always love to ask if there is a book or a number of books that have had a dramatic impact on your life that you’d like to share and if so, what they are and why?

Dr. Santos: So many books. I think I’ll pick up, just to pick one book, I’ll pick up on your Stoic quote from earlier before, I’ll give a nod to Epictetus who is one of the famous Stoics and his old book, “The Enchiridion,” which is, it kind of loosely translates to the manual, but Epictetus starts his book with one of the important premises of Stoic philosophy, which is that there are kind of two things in life. The things we can control like, you know, our thoughts and our feelings and so on, and then the things we can’t control, which is our circumstances. And Epictetus notes that, you know, if you try to control this stuff that you can’t control, you’re gonna be miserable or you’re gonna suffer, everything’s gonna suck. But if you just focus on the stuff that you can control, which is your emotions, your mindset, and so on, no one can ever harm you, you’ll always be happy.

So I really, I think that, you know, there’s a lot of modern science on happiness and that’s mostly what we talk about in our podcast. But I think the Stoics and a lot of the ancients got it right and that’s just one of the wonderful manuals for how to, like, kind of turn your mind into a mind that is really good at focusing on the stuff that makes you happy.

Katie: I love that. Laurie, this has been such an awesome interview, I think extremely timely and important right now as we all navigate this kind of worldwide crisis together. And I really appreciate you taking the time to be here and to share all these years of research with us today.

Dr. Santos: Thanks so much. It was great to chat.

Katie: And thanks as always to all of you for listening and in echoing some of the themes of this episode, we’re very grateful that you did and that you were here. And I hope that you will join me again on the next episode of “The Wellness Mama Podcast.”

If you’re enjoying these interviews, would you please take two minutes to leave a rating or review on iTunes for me? Doing this helps more people to find the podcast, which means even more moms and families could benefit from the information. I really appreciate your time, and thanks as always for listening.

Source: https://wellnessmama.com/podcast/happiness-lab/

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