#the troubled and the trouble

[ashleyandvanessa]

Hello? Is this thing working?

It’s working, dumbass.

Well you’re next to it, so I wouldn’t fucking know, noface.

*Muffled giggles*

— 📼 —

Hey. I’m Ashley. I’m 15 years old and live in a hellhole named Mandela County. I’m an alternate encounter survivor, and am currently on timoril. If you’re lucky enough to live outside Mandela County, it’s an “anxiety medication” of some kind. Don’t ask about my eating habits. I’m fine. I like wildlife documentaries. Wish it was safe enough around here to spend time outside looking for stuff…

—

I’m Vanessa! :) Im 15 and I’m Ashley’s friend and I occasionally visit her when her family is out at one of her older brothers baseball games. I like horror games and horror movies and anything horror related, really. I’m also very interested in religion and psychology… hoping on becoming a psychologist of course!! ^_^ I’m also very good with knives and picking locks, and I study biology in my off time…

ooc under cut

TW FOR: ED and SH mention

main is @analog-autistic, I use They/Xe/It

click here for picrew

Ashley uses she/they, Vanessa uses any pronouns

Ashley types in blue, Vanessa types in red

DO NOT SHIP THEM. YOU WILL BE BLOCKED.

the person who runs this account is the frontstuck host of an endogenic system. Anti-endos can still interact, but don’t interact with my main please.

—

Important-ish notes:

Ashley doesn’t eat well because she’s hoping she’ll starve.

Ashley’s encounter was with a different alternate, not Vanessa.

Ashley has self-harm scars. She doesn’t hide them because nobody in mandela county is gonna bully her for it, everyone wants to die there

Ashley’s mother forces her to wear the cross necklace. Ashley herself is atheist after her encounter.

Vanessa is atheist either way.

Vanessa isn’t secretive about her being an alternate on this blog, unless she’s interacting with someone who lives in mandela.

—

Tagging system:

#the ramblings of a lunatic - Ashley’s posts and interactions

#maddening whispers - Vanessa’s posts and interactions

#the troubled and the trouble - Both Ashley and Vanessa in one post!

#secrets of the universe - ooc/mod posts

#ashley’s camera roll - art of theym:3

sorry this whole blog took so long!! ^_^’

[cryptic-forge]

fighting art block with silly little projects like this Teapot Animal, sipping from your cup. i finally got to experiment with gold leaf on a bjd & that was a lot of fun.

[lazylittledragon]

can't believe we're all adults being forced into the club penguin level of censorship in 2024

[inkpotsprite]

This was after he blew up all of the Leagues tech.

[nerdicorntheshipper]

[devildaisies]

🔥 H-O-T-T-O-G-O 🔥

[hattersarts]

:I

[crowkip]

yeehaw, baby!

[mike-png]

Logan trying to watch tv in peace; mission appears to be impossible. (Click on the image for higher quality)

[mochiobonio]

when the main character gains access to creative mode

[uncanny-tranny]

I think so many people are so deeply alienated from themselves that they have no clue how to exercise their free will and autonomy. For some, this alienation runs so deep that they are afraid of their own autonomy and humanity. It is completely understandable why one would have those feelings, but it can be worrisome.

I want to help others who feel this way, so here are small things I have done to exercise my free will:

Add "guilty pleasure" songs to playlists and actually listen to them (I have a ton of late 1990s-early 2000s music I listen to now proudly that I never listened to in the past out of shame)

Getting the décor item, bath set, bed spread, ect. in the patterns you like, even if it's "childish" (I got a dinosaur-themed wastebasket from the kids' décor section and I adore it)

Taking a new route to get to a place you go to often

Eat dessert first

Celebrate well, and often

Collect things that are "odd" or don't seem like an "acceptable" thing to collect (somebody on my "for you" page collects dandelion crayola crayons and it was so cool!!!!!!)

Incorporate one new piece in an outfit you wear frequently (e.g., a new chain, a necklace, ribbons, bracelets, ect.). Challenge yourself to add onto the outfits if you feel up for it.

Sing along to songs without worrying that you sound "good" or your intonation is completely accurate

Read a book from a genre you weren't allowed to read as a kid (comics, thrillers, mysteries, anything!)

Walk without having a specific destination or goal

Pick up a new craft without expecting yourself to master it or to ever be "good" enough. Get your hands messy.

I don't want to shame anybody for not feeling as though they have free will or that they are exempt from exercising it. However, I wanted to give ideas so that you might read this list and find your own ways to express your intrinsic autonomy and will. You deserve to be a person, to feel alive, not just living. That is what our lives are for.

[ashleyandvanessa]

Hi, Ashley and Vanessa, you guys look interesting for no reason at all but how are you :D

Tired.

Just fine!

[inkskinned]

because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.

you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.

you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.

don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.

if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.

you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:

how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!

aren't you happy yet?

[noodles-and-tea]

It’s always either or

[flopicas]

I found this picture on Pinterest and I immediately knew I was going to draw it