#the thoughts in my head are LOUD

[infinitelystrangemachinex]

Mel holding Viktor's cane while she promises to protect Hextech

I won't let them corrupt your dream

[battlekidx2]

“Do you like girls?”

“I don’t know.”

“Do you like boys?”

“I don’t know. I think I like TV shows.”

I remember when I was in middle school all the other girls were talking about the guys they liked and I said I didn’t like anyone. I just wanted to do my own thing.

I didn’t really get why I would want to date anyone. I understood friendship, companionship— having someone to share my interests and mutually info dump to sounded cool— but I struggled to understand the appeal of spending every day and every night with someone else. Of holding hands and going on dates. 

This led to a lot of homophobic bullying and a few of them would act disgusted that I might be into them. Constantly acting like I was looking at their boobs and sexualizing them (I never made eye contact with anyone and would frequently look at the wall or space out while looking in their general direction). Or make a big show of not being interested and many other things.

I didn’t get this either. I didn’t know why I would be interested in any of them. They treated me poorly and I thought attraction was something people made up and simply just claimed to feel towards other people.

Just like I never understood celebrity crushes. You don’t know the person so how could you possibly know you liked them? And I never understood how people “chose” who they dated. Did they just choose whoever they liked hanging out with the most?

But any time I voiced this it was always met with worse and worse reactions. It led to isolation among peers and my family. My parents made it pretty clear I wasn’t who they wanted me to be. That I wasn’t normal.

I soon learned to fake it. Pretend I understood it.

The idea of not being attracted to anyone seemed like a foreign idea to most people I met. Even when I branched out and moved away, I met a few people in the lgbt community who couldn’t grasp it either and reacted poorly and it made me feel stupid. Like maybe I wasn’t just screwed up to people who fit in the neat little box society wants you to fit in, but to everyone else as well.

Maybe I was wrong. If it’s an impossibility even in this community that champions diversity and acceptance then can that really be my reality?

I kept trying to force it. To date, but every time I did I always felt that same skin crawling discomfort and it always petered out. It didn’t matter who it was or what gender. It always felt wrong. It was suffocating.

I don’t think there’s a movie that better portrays that all consuming, suffocating stagnation of feeling so out of place– knowing you’re out of place compared to those around you– and in response forcing yourself to fit what other people expect of you than I Saw the TV Glow.

Whenever I think back to growing up or whenever I return home that same feeling this movie is centered around always drenches my experiences.

And even now it’s hard to put into words when I talk to other people what I’ve felt when it comes to this aspect of my life.

That comment from Owen about knowing there’s nothing there when talking about romance and attraction, but being too afraid to look and knowing that his parents know something is wrong with him hit harder than any other scene from a movie I’ve watched this year.

It’s that absence of something that is at the heart of asexuality that makes me always question what I choose to identify as when I have to explain it to someone. Because for the most part my explanation boils down to (in broad oversimplified terms): I’ve never felt attraction, I’m more interested in watching a Spider-Man movie than I’ve ever been into even just the idea of dating, every time I’ve attempted to date it’s been uncomfortable and I’ve actively dodged anything beyond friendship while in the “relationship”.

And when I try to voice that to another person it always feels like those experiences don’t hold water. That’s describing the absence of something. There’s no real proof of the identity.

With being bi or gay or lesbian there’s something you can I don’t know—point to?— that can help you know your identity.

And that’s the fact that you’ve experienced attraction towards one or more people of one or more genders.

It’s defined not by the lack of something but the presence of an experience.

And so every time I try and explain it I end up feeling stupid. Like I just haven’t tried hard enough to find someone compatible. That I need to get back into the proverbial saddle and try again. I always in some way feel ashamed and backtrack as a result.

This is in no way to say that it’s harder or easier to be one identity or the another. Everyone’s experiences are different and everyone experiences are valid. This is just a struggle I’ve found that’s unique to asexuality that many people I’ve talked to have also experienced.

I haven’t felt that part of my experience be seen in media until I saw this movie. Maybe I’m latching onto what I can get or maybe that was an intrinsic part of the movie. That’s not important. What’s important is that it’s something I felt seen in even if it was literally just one scene.

This is my really long winded and roundabout way of saying that I really think this movie is going to stick with me much longer than any other thing I’ve seen this year.

Things can be hard to put into words and as a result I tend to keep things inside. I’m fairly certain I’m ace but it might turn out I’m on a different romantic spectrum then I thought or I fall somewhere different than I thought on the ace spectrum. I don’t know what I’ll discover in the future.

I’m likely not going to express my label out loud to anyone but a select few. I still can’t express this particular label out loud to many people. My family is definitely never going to hear it. A friend or two might.

It’s something I struggle with on a regular basis. I’m fine with identifying with the label in my head—in a lot of ways it makes me feel comfortable and happy— but any time I try to voice it the words die in my throat and I can’t help but feel ashamed. It’s easier to just tell people I don’t want to date right now. That there are all these factors in the way (finances, time, jobs, etc) than it is to try and explain what I’ve just rambled about above.

I know many people have felt and understood that experience and I hope people know they’re valid. You can express your identity with your full chest, shout it from the rooftops and let people know, or you can keep it to yourself, identifying as your label solely in your head. Both experiences are valid. And if your label changes at some point in your life that doesn’t make what you chose to identify as at this point any less valid too. People are always learning and growing. You can gain a new understanding of yourself as time move forward.

Sorry for the way too long ramble. This movie made me feel things.

[judas-lover]

Oh god i need to rewatch this and look out for the lighting and stuff bc Pilate's Dream is filmed in more neutral light.

Trial Before Pilate is WARM LIGHT . WITHIN THE COLD LIGHT SETTING. this spotlight of golden light on pilate and jesus. And. Thats. Because um. Pilate tried so hard to save him. :):):):):)

This looks like the exact moment the first Act merges into the second.

The first Act is filmed with this warm light, a yellow hue to most scenes, the hope is there and most of all, there’s worry in Judas’ expression, desperation, but in a way that you see, he thinks a solution is still within reach.

The second Act is filmed in a colder light, everything is tinged blue, Gethsemane (for example) is entirely done in this blue light, as is the second half of the Temple (where Jesus is first faced with the dread that continues into the second Act). Judas’ face changes from yearning, sad, desperate to frightened, regretful, filled with the same dread as Jesus conveys.

[fandomfluffandfuck]

Bucky looking at Steve in CA:TFA, post-rescue: my breast friend

Steve:

Bucky: I mean-!

Steve:

Bucky: my, my, my b--

Steve, visibly blushing: take your time, buddy

[machveil]

trying to figure out when Simon “Ghost” Riley was born and possibly headcanoning an age for him is an amazing use of time

*Simon, in 2016, is killed in the Caucasus Mountains (full blown adult)

in 2003, Simon returns home on leave from service (in England, you can volunteer for service at 16)

just prior to joining service, Simon works as an apprentice butcher at a grocery (the minimum age for working is 13 - I would assume Simon starts working late 15 to early 16)

Simon returns home from service in 2003. Simon leaves his apprenticeship as a butcher and joins the army after Sept 11 (2001) - assuming Simon left home as soon as possible to join service at 16, Simon returns home age 18-19 possibly

taking the year he comes home and presumed age he could be (2003 - (18 or 19)), Simon could have been born 1984-1985

knowing the year Simon dies (2016), I would wager Simon is 31 or 32, thank you for listening to my theory on Simon’s headcanoned age

*it’s worth mentioning that I will write for all CoD characters as if they never die in-game. we’re happy and healthy here

[lord-of-the-ducks]

I don’t really give a shit about James Somerton, but apparently he claimed that he Did A Plagiarism because of a head injury he had as a kid + ADHD, so he would just copy and paste paragraphs and then forget to rewrite them.

And as someone who was ALSO hospitalized for a head injury as a child, and ALSO has ADHD (with one of my primary symptoms being memory loss), I feel uniquely qualified to fight him on this because I have never done a plagiarism.

[kacievvbbbb]

I know this isn’t a particularly common characterization of them (at least not what I’ve seen) but I personally think of the two;

Shanks rarely gets restless, he’s the one more content to just bask in a moment, it may not be in silence but he’s comfortable just doing nothing with his crew. As long as there’s alcohol, a hammock and the people he loves, Shanks is straight.

Contrary to that Mihawk is always itching to do something, entertain himself in some way. If he’s not dueling/training, he’s gardening if it’s not that then he’s cooking or he’s reading and if nothing else will do then he naps. but he’s always trying to occupy his time with something.

I think a lot of people don’t notice it because it’s not the jittery hyperactivity that people associate with it. But Mihawk is restless, endlessly so. He’s in a never ending fight with his boredom but it’s all internal.(except when he decides to make it someone else’s problem ala Don Krieg)

Mihawk’s the type of dude to implode instead of explode so it makes sense that things like restlessness don’t really show themselves in an outwardly physical way. Instead it’s more of an internal pressure and incessant need to stave off boredom. But because of his preference for being alone and the fact that the activities he chooses aren’t ones usually associated with restlessness. It goes unnoticed.

Except by Shanks who’s always going out of his way to make the life of a pretty little birdie a litte more interesting.

[fluffyfangirl]

[mintjeru]

sometimes i make myself sad thinking about the kvthm fallout text is lyrics from "who knew" by p!nk

open for better quality | no reposts

[bulbabutt]

thing that i learned about mirage tmnt that made me wanna give up: april is a drawing come to life and not a real person at all, this fact is presented as bad to her because it means she cannot give casey babies

thing that i learned about transformers that made me wanna give up: the first female prime is the only girl because her type of transformer is girl (other types include: beast, combiner, minicon) and also she was killed by her lover (classic penetration style) just to become the literal BIRTH CANAL of the planet cybertron, where all life that grows will pass through

anyway. can all male writers like. stop. just... stop. what if you imagined woman outside of having womb? what if??

[wow-an-unfunny-joke]

You wanna know something I headcanon about Dazai so aggressively that I have never seen anyone else talk about?

I bet you that he talks to himself. I bet you that spending most of his days in his teen years alone, socially and physically without anyone has probably affected him in some way. I bet that he’d spend all day in that shipping container and he’d talk to himself. He’d narrate what he’s doing, sing little songs, probably fuck up the lyrics or just trail off and come up with his own thing, he came ip with his double suicide song doing this.

I bet he still does this when he’s alone.

[koifsssh]

thinking about it, ive always had a weird relationship with fanart and things like that. i think back to the time i used to draw characters religiously when i was younger and i miss it a lot. now i feel "weird" and "Cringe" everytime i do so, as if im not allowed to. which is obviously a ridiculous statement to make, but growing up in the sort of "cringe culture" internet leaves a sort of weird feeling in my chest whenever i draw a character i really like. fangirls or just fans in general who were obsessed with a character or just piece of media were looked down upon for a long time and witnessing that as a kid left an impression on me.

which is funny! because my internet presence started me with drawing wally aus, similiarly, my internet exposure started with SANS aus... how the world comes full circle, eh?

i think thats why i feel more comfortable drawing ocs, no one can tell me im doing it "wrong" if its my own character.

i want to do more fanart for the pieces of media i like, but im really going to need to get over this lame feeling i get. because its a bummer!!! bwahaha

[kayberrie]

Something something Jayce having a one-eye-covered motif throughout the second season… something something it being in the new intro and the corrupted statue on the alternate dimension… something something ever since Viktor came out of the Hexcore he appeared to have his eyes open but his followers eyes became blank and blind whenever he took control… something something he believed himself to be enlightened but was projecting his own view onto the world… something something Viktor’s mask half-melted away in the final act to reveal the eye which Jayce had covered in other scenes… something something Viktor and Jayce weren’t able to see from the same perspectives but ultimately when their views were brought together they finally found a way to pull their paths back together through affection

[13eyond13]

underrated funny thing about lawlight is they never actually did get to confirm that 100% of the time they were basically thinking exactly what the other person thought they were thinking every single time

[flowery-laser-blasts]

Just watched my boyfriend write binary code on the shower door and trying to calculate things. Why? Because "it's fun.", he says.

I'm telling you, I can't keep up with drawing all of these shenanigans. I need to finish a bunch of WIPS before making new sketches and art!! AAAARGH!!

[justice-artblog]

Rekindle anew au and something that struck me a little late-

The difference of Motto bettwen Saiki and Mob's ethical standpoints.

Saiki's "unwilling" standpoint to not help others if it doesnt directly affect him and Mob's want to help other's because they're all the same.

Just the initial argument of "They can handle it themselves," and "They don't have too, we can help." Sort of back and forth

Mob's steady realization that Saiki's "Ironclad" rule isn't so much a rule and more of a Mantra that doesn't work.

Saiki can say that he isn't willing to help others, and then turn around and help in some way anyway. But he's more likely to help for the people he knows than strangers.

I just need that little fight before something dumb happens. Probably with the Telepathy club, it just needs to be something a little more minor and less stress inducing.

Idk it just, Im chewing on this idea of them arguing about it and having Reigen eventually come at Saiki with his speech about everyone being the same, regardless of abilities or not.

Cause Saiki needs to hear it.