#the themes of growing older and losing touch with your childhood got to me

[iamaverysadbanana]

Sad Banana's First Impressions: IF

It's just a silly kid movie, I foolishly thought. Something fun and light to watch while celebrating my birthday. What's the worst that could happen? Reader, I fucking cried. You think you're going to get a harmless children's film and instead you find a bittersweet meditation on the realities of growing up and losing your childhood innocence. I found myself touched by the themes of nurturing your inner child, even as you grow older. John Krasinski, you magnificent bastard, you have broken my heart. But I'm not letting Ryan Reynolds, Steve Carell, and Phoebe Waller-Bridge off the hook either. Overall, I found this movie to be surprisingly heartfelt with a strong thematic basis that I think most people can resonate with. I fully recommend watching this film once it hits digital.

[mejomonster]

saw a kingdom hearts reaction where the person said kingdom hearts is about childhood and growing up and losing innocence, and childhood trauma

and like 1 yeah they hit the nail on the head. it makes you feel like a kid again, but also reminds you that life is heavy and complicated and these things that remind you of an innocent time before it all will always be touched by the present now that you are no longer naive and now that you’ve started your journey into adulthood (like Sora leaving the islands). it reminds you of what you miss, of what you hope for, some of the most impactful lines in kingdom hearts 2 are when hayner says (and axel reaffirms, and truly so Many character stories echo) “we can’t be together forever, it’s not about how often we see each other, but how often we think about each other. as long as we have each other in our hearts then we’ll still be with each other” those ideas i think most people eventually will relate to. so much of the kingdom hearts story is about best friends, making friends, valuing friends, and how the world and the passing of time pulls people apart. how to stay close to them, how to get back to them again, how to grieve when we can’t, when we don’t know the future, how we have to move forward every day because life doesn’t stop, the circumstances tomorrow are not guaranteed to be like they are right now this minute, and we have to cherish what we have while it’s here. hold onto it in our hearts when it’s out of reach, and try our best to remember it and what it’s done to change us forever. every friend we make is a part of us, every precious memory changing us and our entire lives even when the connection gets lost or strained, even when our lives change completely in ways we could have never predicted or stopped. the desire to keep things as they are forever, when they’re good and we have our loved ones, and how as much as we may want that and strive for it and sometimes do achieve it life is going to constantly surprise us and we can’t control what tomorrow will bring. “hold me, whatever lies beyond this morning is a little later on, regardless of warnings the future doesn’t scare me at all”, “when we get older you’ll understand what i meant when i said no things aren’t quite that simple/things Are Quite that Simple.” Utada Hikaru’s absolutely lovely main songs have lyrics which really hammer home the themes of kingdom hearts. 

just. yes on one level its an absolutely bonkers crossover visually, conceptually, in execution, in experimenting with combat and combination, and it’s wild it got made because who knows if it even could’ve existed if someone tried to make something like this today in the 2020s. but also it does have a heart at the center of it, an emotional thread that connects to everyone growing up and who already has, and it hits you right through to your core and it’s the reason the endless tragic arcs of the characters make so many people bawl their eyes out. yes its a sad story, many sad stories trying hard to fight to get a happy ending and reunite with their friends again one day. but its also a really, really, simple story. its a story we all go through. its covered in all these words like darkness, hearts, light, etc and this bonkers lore nomura keeps intensifying and piling on. but at the core of it all kingdom hearts is about our friendships and loved ones, about growing up and the passage of time changing everything, and how to bear it and go through this endless journey we’re all on. it hits extra hard to some (like me) because the childhood disney and final fantasy elements remind us of exactly when this reality starts to set in for us growing up, we were children, often surrounded by friends and family, and then one day people moved and died and school was over and nothing was ever stable again in that sort of concrete childish way when the world is only as big as your backyard and childhood home (like Sora, Riku and Kairi the world is only their tiny play island - they know nothing else, never had to be apart, and they wonder what’s out there... and we all find out eventually in life what’s beyond that small initial world we had). that’s the part of the story that hits. 

and then like i said, 2 she mentioned its about trauma and childhood trauma. i’m burning out of steam here but that streamer absolutely gets it. 358/2 Days is about 2 children who are raised by a cult (which is also a toxic workplace - oh no childhood home of safety they start out already in a workplace nightmare where their work is their entire life and they’re easily replacable if they aren’t “productive” and their entire existence depends on being valuable to the boss, they’re disposable, they’re told their feelings and wants don’t matter and YET they develop them anyway and DO find each other to love and make life bearable. they do make a family out of their friends, people they want to live for, live to see, love to have in their lives, people and connections that matter more than their job). 358/2 Days is about adults who once had lives they loved and valued, people they cared about (Axel and Saix being particular highlights of that), who were crushed by their jobs and the passage of time destroying their old lives and old safety, the whole world fell apart on them and they died and all that’s left of them are echoes of their old selves who grew apart, now adults and part of the very kind of system of adults destroying things that once upon a time destroyed their old world and old lives. Axel knows the reality that he’s a part of the destruction, and yet when he connects to Roxas and Xion he wants to badly for them to NOT lose their loved ones and precious lives they care about. To NOT be crushed by the very awful situation they’re in, to help them, to try and protect them but knowing in the way he knows because he’s been through it... that they can’t be saved, that time will pass and change things, and he thinks the evil he does is better than the worse alternatives he knows could happen. And they all break apart. And i think a lot of older people can see younger friends, younger loved ones, children they have, going through their own versions of these things. the naive idealism of childhood, of the safe world they’ve managed to have or carve out or temporarily found, and the looming awful reality that there are things out there that can and do destroy that ‘safety’. that nothing is guaranteed to be forever. you’ve got traumatized adults who already went through awful stuff, children being traumatized who can never find real safety and will eventually have even that ‘good thing’ thrown into danger they can’t stop. Riku, Sora, and Kairi went through their own version in kingdom hearts 1. Riku wanted to see other worlds, wanted to protect the friends he loved from all the looming dangers he figured ‘might’ be out there because he was older and growing up and realized before Sora and Kairi that their safe haven might not always be safe forever. He leaped without looking, and got into danger over his head and instead of learning about it so he could protect sora and kairi, he ended up damaged by it first and used by it as a tool to hurt his own loved ones. and so many of the kingdom hearts games explore this idea. Ventus, Terra, and Aqua also have a situation with 2 of them young adults trying to pass their exam that proves they’ve ‘graduated’ to adulthood, aware of the real potential danger and impermanence of the world in a way Ventus the younger kid whos still a teen is not. And Aqua and Terra go out trying to protect those they love (and the whole world from being hurt by the same things), and instead get used, instead even when they try their best it’s not always enough. Though it is enough to one day find each other again, to help some people on different worlds even if it’s not going to be their own loved ones for a long while, and so it was worth the effort. Their only options were to stay on their isolated world and be attacked one day by the reality of time passing, or go out, and no one will ever be ready for it. No one’s ever ready to grow up, no one can stop it and we’re all forced to go through that journey someday. And Ventus - he already comes to the world damaged, traumatized, already forced through pain despite his young age, already forced to have been used. In kingdom hearts, they just do not sugarcoat this. Ventus (in BBS) didn’t have any safe childhood or loved ones to cling to originally, he was alone and suffered and sometimes children do, sometimes any person does. He eventually does find a respite - a sanctuary with Terra and Aqua living with them, that he treasures and has made into his home. Axel makes that as an adult, Ventus makes that as a teen, Sora and Riku had that with each other since children. (I could probably argue somewhere in there that Eraqus and Xehanort once were each other’s home, sanctuary, and their growing up also meant that was lost and longed for one day again some how which is maybe why KH3′s ending made me cry despite me thinking i didn’t care about those two characters lol). My point is plenty of the characters are traumatized before and as the stories kick off, or through the stories, and i very much feel people who consider it a major theme of kh. 

[notnctu]

when the snow falls | j.jh

jung jaehyun x reader genre - angst first, fluff later details - childhood best friends!au, ghost!au, platonic relationship, genderneutral!reader, ft. boyfriend johnny warnings - grieving/mourning, mentions of death, lots of crying, explicit language (swearing) word count - 8.3k inspiration - A Christmas Carol synopsis - Jaehyun visits you every holiday season since his death to bring you out of your self isolation and hatred for the one season you both once loved.

a/n - this is for my first collab ever: a taste of winter collab hosted by @dearyongs​​​ & @pastelsicheng​​​ ! again, thank you for letting me participate and i hope this fic brings more warmth for everyone during the winter!! happy holidays everyone & i hope you can check out the rest of the fics in the collab as i will be, they’re written by such amazing writers! :)))

An iridescent frost covers the tall windows of the apartment and a bright white sky greets you this morning. The fallen sheets expose your bare shoulders to the bitter crisp cold air and goosebumps rise to remind you to wear a fucking sweater for once. However, the cold isn’t what bothers you this horrid day as you’re leaping out of bed to glance out at the world. It’s the first thing that you lay eyes on: it covers the streets, it’s falling from the blanket of grey sky, it’s others’ joy when it’s your trauma. What Mother Nature has brought upon this winter season, as she always does this time of the year, is snow. 

The first sign of snowfall marks the first day of your self isolation period until the holidays pass. It marks the anniversary of your best friend’s death and an agonizingly long winter, but in spite of that, it also means the appearance of a rather special guest. A guest that is only visible to you and though resembles much of your passed friend, does not share the same memories as you do. 

“The snow is just so comforting, isn’t it?” Though you live alone, a sudden voice erupts from behind you and has you turning rather quickly to face the truth of this season. Your greatest treasure, yet haunting demise. “Hello, y/n. How has your year been?” Jaehyun stands with a lean at your door frame, his arms crossed at his chest and hair full of fluff. 

“Hello, Jaehyun’s spirit. I happen to hate the snow, if you have forgotten.” Your hip presses against the cold glass and you’re no longer afraid of being half naked in front of what this form of imagination possesses itself to be. 

“Remind me why again.” Jaehyun casually sits on your unmade bed, looking as about your age now. There is a brief silence as you examine how he’s grown with you, you’d imagine this is how he’d look if he was still alive and well.

It would be his third year in college, same as you, possibly studying engineering due to his past fascination with the mechanics of roller coasters. With such a strong jawline and a definite lean built, girls would be running all over him. Not to mention, his dimples remain one of his charms.

Kicking off the icy window, you walk carefully and slowly up to Jaehyun. A hand reaches to caress his cheek, but it goes right through him and leaves your hand to hang in mid-air. This happens every time you see him again, wondering if you can get one last touch of his dewy complexion, and you simply can’t. Despite his ability to touch you, there is no possibility for your senses to travel through to the other side of the supernatural dimension. 

Jaehyun gently rests your hand back to your side and repeats his request, “remind me again why you hate the snow.”

“It’s how you died.” A small croak gets caught in the back of your throat and tears well up to blur your vision. “So when the snow falls, it brings me back to the dreadful memory of me losing you, of you leaving me.” 

“I died from snow? That is so lame.” Jaehyun grumbles and rolls his eyes. 

You chuckle, but the tears roll down your cheeks as if they know no happiness. “You died from a car accident in the snow. Your tires slid, you couldn’t brake … and so, you crashed. Full trauma to the head, an instant death.” 

“Where was I going?” He wasn’t this curious last winter, and so you’re unaware if it’s your mind playing sick tricks on you or if his unrest spirit is this forgetful. You wish it was the latter. 

Choking on your tears, the droplets hit the hardwood floors below you. An overwhelming feeling of melancholy overtakes your chest and you’re suffocating underneath an unknown pressure. Your throat is drier than your mother’s gingerbread cookies, but you swallow the frigid air around you. 

You’re so choked up by your sobbing that it’s too difficult to speak. Any words you say feel like thin ice, ready to crack at the lightest touch. “O-On the way to … my house. You were coming over to tell me a secret.”

“And I never got to tell you.” 

“No, Jaehyun. I’ll never know what you wanted to tell me that day.” 

when the snow falls. 

There has never been a time before Jaehyun and all that you knew, all the memories that fill your brain, every growing pain you could possibly share, was with him and all until it wasn’t. Had there been a time after Jaehyun, you would not have expected it to come as soon as it did.

For the months following his death, you were in denial of his missing presence because every. single. thing. reminded you of him. Jaehyun remained in his assigned seat in school, although it was clearly empty. He lived through others’ mourning stories, where they spoke of fond memories that they shared and things he liked. The worst of them all, you still texted him every day in hopes to see the tiny three dots pop up that he was typing. And the warped reality in your head, the first stage of grief flooding every possible corner, was that he has always just been slow at replying back.

Then, his funeral rolled around and his parents asked you to share one happy memory of him. There were so many, how could you possibly have chosen just one? And so you didn’t. The moment the frame of the church entered your view, your legs stuck to the ground and refused to enter. There was going to be a point when you entered the building filled with crying people and a gripping, horrid smell of death and you wouldn’t be able to forget it. That scary thought, not only frightened you, but angered you. 

The large attendance of people walked past you as teary eyes blinked up at the dark wooden frame of the door, but every one of them had never visited him for more than once when he was alive. His older cousins that had forgotten about him when they flew away for college, his acquaintances from piano lessons who never bothered to remember his full name, his old friends from primary school that he had lost connection with after graduation, they were all here.

And you can’t help, but fester a fueling frustration in the pit of your stomach and as it grew into your chest in the matter of seconds, you wondered the single thought that picked up your feet to run home: where were they when he was alive? 

After a year and the appearance of Jaehyun’s ghost became less of a shock during winter, you were stuck in an odd and uneasy place of what if’s. Talking to him once a year was never enough, texting his old number was never enough. It was just never enough.

Missing him grew into a dark sense of yearning, longing, bargaining. Long nights of twisting and tossing in your bed, many thoughts and endless possibilities ran through your unhealthy thoughts. The description and police report of his accident played like a reel in darkest contemplations. 

The first year of college had to be the hardest to go through without him and thus, aiding in your regrets of not cherishing him enough when he was around. A rabbit hole of universe paths drove you wild, wishing and hoping that you could turn back time and stop him from coming over in the middle of a blizzard. And the one lasting thought still haunts you to your present: if only you hadn’t encouraged him that night, he wouldn’t have died. 

The saddest part has barely been acknowledged, even by yourself. That this one tragedy tainted the one holiday you two loved the most --- Christmas. Every year since his passing, you locked yourself in your room for two weeks before the holiday and waited through it all. Truthfully, there was nothing in the universe that was going to allow you to enjoy the holiday when it wasn’t with him. Even his ghost, who very randomly popped up on a December day and cluelessly never brings much comfort as the live him did during this season.

Jolly holiday music lost their joyous sound and became awfully low tempo. The bright red and green signature colors of Christmas became dull and rather grey; the long strings of colorful lights that hang from houses and around large trees were absolutely drained of their color. The warmth of the fireplace went cold. The cheesy Hallmark Christmas movies no longer entertained and lost their spark.

The Christmas themed decorations that covered the windows of shops, the city, your own house, became an overwhelming sore sight to look at. The love from your loved ones… you couldn’t feel anything remotely close to love anymore, just meaningless affection. The one gift that the Earth blessed your region with, snow, became the one petrifying thing that it had to offer. And your favoritism for the holiday, the so-called ‘Christmas Spirit’, slowly died out, along with Jaehyun. 

Now that it’s been three years since his passing, you’re here spending your third lonely holiday season inside your apartment discussing your yearly recap with your ghostly best friend. 

“That ridiculous final exam lowered my grade and I walked out of that class retaining none of the information. When will I ever need to know about pirates in the 1800’s?” The chocolate wrapper crinkles in your fist as you finish your overly passionate recollection of the most useless class you could have taken this whole year.

Jaehyun sits by your side, facing you as he hugs his knees close to his chest. A small grin dots the dimple on his left cheek when you peer over at the huddled boy and the sad reminiscent glisten in your eye does not go unnoticed. “You used to love pirates. Dressed up like one for Halloween and went up to every house yelling,” Jaehyun clears his throat and perks up, ready to perform.

A balled fist in the air, paired with a look of utter gusto and passion, Jaehyun speaks in an attempt to horribly reenact your once embarrassing pirate impression. “Argh! You scoundrel, give me all the treasures in your possession… preferably chocolate sweets.” He holds his stomach as he bursts into a fit of his baritone laughter. His wide mouth grows into such a big, open smile that his eyelashes dance on his glowing cheeks. 

“For a ghost, you sure look like someone who’s very much alive.” Naturally, you’d swat lightly at his knee or arm whenever he would joke around. However, the pain of your hand passing right through him breaks this habit and you’re left scoffing at the way Jaehyun is consumed with laughter.

“You know, for someone who is alive… you sure look a bit … lifeless. When was the last time you were happy, y/n?” Jaehyun finally settles down and gently nudges at your elbow. 

His question hits you like a wall of bricks. Unexpected and completely straightforward, but that’s just always been the way he is. “This past weekend when I turned in my last assignment for the semester.” 

“No. The last time you were genuinely happy, not relieved. You mentioned a boyfriend, right?” 

Rolling your eyes, you grow a bit silent and annoyed at his comment. “Listen, hopeless romantic. Not every relationship is perfect sunrays and gushy unconditional love.” Perhaps, your gaze drops down to your hands and the wrinkled wrapper between your fingers has worn out from your fidgeting. 

Johnny Suh. If you could move mountains for this man, you would. It all started due to an accidental happenstance of you abruptly walking into your campus’ coffee shop to seek shelter from the rain and him, the attractive barista behind the counter, chasing after you in a stained apron and an immensely strong aroma of coffee beans. Jaehyun practically swooned over hearing how you two met, hearts in his pupils and a dreamy grin resting fondly as he attentively listened. 

Jaehyun has always wanted a relationship, though he did have many admirers in high school, he never had the opportunity to experience one true love and to play out every sappy romantic thing rom-coms taught him. Hearing about your love life is the closest thing he can get to it, unfortunate for him, but fortunate that his best friend still has some romance in them.

Nevertheless, it’s only been a few months together. Though Johnny has seen intimate parts of you, he’s never experienced a winter with you and frankly, he won’t ever experience one with you if you keep this up. 

“Johnny doesn’t make you happy, then why are you with him?” Jaehyun knows Johnny makes you feel something that is hard for you to put into words. He also knows the type of person you are, pushing your buttons to get you to defend something you love. Boldly. Loudly. Strongly. He knows how to get you to spit out words of truth, even when they’re difficult.

“My partner is the literal definition of happiness, okay?” The defensiveness drives your assertiveness further. “The last time I was happy was when…” your eyes are frantically examining the floor for any source of focus as a highlight reel of this whole year flashes through your mind.

“... On my birthday, he planned me a picnic. Bought me roses, the whole grand scheme of romance. I started to cry, out of happiness… it was the first time in a while that the reason behind my tears was something good.” There’s somewhat of an epiphany when you finish your sentence. Your voice gets lost in your train of thought as the blissful scene plays out. 

“Why were you crying?” Jaehyun snatches the distracting wrapper from your fingers, it being unrecognizable from the wear and tear. It causes you to meet Jaehyun’s round eyes: empty, but not sad. They’re lost, yet filled with purpose.

Jaehyun has always been able to open up the darkest parts of your heart. “Because it reminded me of the time when you and I walked up that steep hill over on Fifth Street… and we forgot the picnic blanket. But it didn’t matter because after the strenuous journey, all we wanted was to sit down and enjoy some fucking sandwiches, along with some hot chocolate your mom packed us.” 

“y/n, you cried over the memory of sandwiches and exercise? That’s so---”

“Before you insult me by calling me lame,” you bring your finger to stop him mid-way and narrow your eyes, “I was so happy to be able to share our same experience with someone else. Even though you’re gone, I can still have these happy moments with other people.” 

Then, Jaehyun gathers both of your hands to hold and brings them to his soft lips. Everything about him feels cold, like a harsh chill that bites at your skin. In spite of it all, his delicate kiss on your knuckles somehow feel warm and slightly comforting. Jaehyun peers up with kind eyes, “you’re almost there. I will do everything I can to get you there.” 

Blinking at him with confusion, your expression asks the questions for you. When he sets your hands in his lap, a soft pat on the back of your hand reassures you. “Can we bake Christmas cookies?” 

Rolling your eyes, you tear your hands away from him. He leaves you with unspoken words and an oddly comforting feeling, but it’s not enough to dissipate your deeply rooted dislike for this particular holiday. “You ask this every year.” Getting up, you walk towards your bedroom to get away from feeling too vulnerable.

Jaehyun watches your back intently as you’re stumbling over your feet. He whispers to himself, “and I think this year is going to be the last year I’ll ask for it.” And a hopeful smile appears joyously as he anticipates the storm before reaching still waters. 

The sound of the doorbell awakens you and Jaehyun is nowhere to be seen. He comes and goes as he wishes, however, he’d usually accompany you during the mornings. You’re particularly sluggish, finding it difficult to adjust to the blinding white sky outside as snow continues to drift upon the city. 

“Good morning, gumdrop.” Your boyfriend is rather chirpy today. Johnny engulfs your fragile body in his long arms and you’re lost in his scent of peppermint bark. 

“This was unexpected.” His shirt muffles your tiny voice and Johnny is setting down bags of groceries on your kitchen countertop. 

“I texted you last night that I was coming over to do some grocery shopping for you. Did you sleep early?” Your very helpful boyfriend starts unloading all the parcels of fresh produce and your favorite snacks. However, there is a slight tinge of annoyance and possibly it’s due to the fact you weren’t expecting to see anyone during your isolation. Johnny couldn’t have known though.

A deep sigh escapes your lips and you walk over to stop his movements. A hand holds his arm and the other intertwines with his own, but you stand under him with the sweetest smile you could wear during the holiday season. “How is it that your mom invited me to your family holiday party, but tells me that you’re not going to be there?” 

Your smile automatically falls from your lips and a hand retracts from his warmth. It’s the sudden truth that you must face, the confession of your sadness that you’ll eventually need to tell your partner. Wondering how he’s going to take the news, your mom probably gave him a brief breakdown about how you’ve been this way for the past few years now. 

Nonetheless, Johnny has always been bold with his statements and though you’ve adjusted to his abruptness, this one is hard to give a quick answer back to. So as you’re racking how to present your dark narrative, Johnny sets you down on the couch with the utmost gentleness. You don’t even feel the cushion underneath you when the million different answers streamline their way into your brain.

Johnny notices your frantic eyes and unfocused gaze, growing a bit concerned at how cold your skin feels at his touch. Taking off his sweatshirt, he carefully slips it over your shaking figure. When the softness of the polyester cotton blend brushes upon your bare arms, you’re snapped back facing a worried expression.

And you say the one thing on your mind, the only thing you can think of in your scattered brain. “Jaehyun died during this time of year, so it just makes me very emotionally unstable to… participate in any festive events. I’d rather be alone, the whole holiday season.” 

Johnny nods, but his face remains with his eyebrows together and lips pressed into a tight line. He’s well aware of who Jaehyun was and means to you. Though you don’t talk much about him, your eyes light up with a bright twinkle whenever you do. It’s like the world spins ‘round and everything feels restored. Johnny knows enough about your good friend to deduct how hard it must be for you during the winters. 

“Can I help you in any way?” Johnny peers over at you with a small smile, and you wish there is something in your decaying heart to keep it up forever. 

“I hate to say it, but please just leave me alone for the winter.” Flopping on his lap, you’re burying your face in your hands to cower away from seeing your sunshine hurt. There are no more sugar coated kind words for you to pick and choose from.

While Johnny can understand how difficult it must be for you, he still holds onto a sliver of hope that you’ll come around. “Come on, don’t be such a Grinch. No one should be alone for Christmas.” 

Groaning, you sit up and roll your eyes at the familiar references. “Listen, Cindy Lou Who. Don’t call me that.”

“It’s still a cute nickname, you don’t think?” Johnny snickers lightly, but your expression turns rather grim and serious. A faint overcast of melancholy washes over your expression as you’re staring off into your memories again.

In a faint voice, your voice is barely above a whisper, “that used to be one of Jaehyun’s favorite movies.” Your arms drop from your puffed up chest, but Johnny catches your hand and kisses your fingertips.

“What was yours?” Johnny keeps the atmosphere as light and playful while he still can. 

“The Nightmare Before Christmas.” Ironically fitting and that’s one of the sole reasons you don’t watch holiday movies anymore. There have been too many parallels with your life and the wrenched holiday. As twisted as the joke may seem, you’ve lived your own nightmare before Christmas, except you never got the happy ending to it all. It’s like a nightmare that continues and you can’t escape it. 

Having said, Johnny pulls you up to stand and draws you into the biggest hug. “I can’t leave you alone, even if I tried my very best. I still get butterflies every time you smile at me, so you think I wouldn’t be addicted to that feeling?” 

“Johnny…” This man is in love with you until the ends of this Earth, until the horizon stretches so far that it’s unimaginable to see where it stops. 

“I’ll respect your wishes as much as I can, but know that it’s not the best form of healing.” The final word causes a chill to run down your spine. It implies that you’re still hurting, although he’s not wrong, it’s rather disheartening to hear someone else speak it aloud. “I’ll come around less.” 

“If I’m grumpy, then you’ll know why. And don’t try to shove the whole Christmas spirit act on me, I don’t want to hear a single thing about it! I can’t spend a Christmas without Jaehyun.” Johnny squeezes your shoulders at your bold declaration.

“You can’t or you won’t?” A painful tick at your heart leaves you speechless at his question. 

For as long as you could remember, every Christmas was spent with Jaehyun. Picking out a tree for both of your families and getting lost together between the evergreens brought laughter and excitement. Baking cookies and drawing the ugliest faces in tacky colorful frosting always happened a few days before the holiday. Drinking hot chocolate by his family’s fireplace and watching Christmas movies were one of your favorite activities. Christmas Eve was always so special, where you and Jaehyun made it tradition to open your gifts from each other right when the clock struck midnight. 

Then everything simply stopped. And when you tried to participate in those same activities, selfishness and guilt preoccupied your heart. What do any of those things mean without Jaehyun? Jaehyun was the reason you loved Christmas as much as you did. Then, his death became the reason you hated it as much as you do.

“I think that’s enough for today.” Johnny knows he’s hit a nerve, he can see it in your glossy eyes and subtle drop in the corners of your mouth. There is no protest from the taller man when he accepts his sweatshirt without a complaint. The bitter cold air bites at your bare shoulders again and you’re practically existing in its lack of warmth. Gathering the rest of his belongings, you two bid a kiss goodbye and shut the door.

It’s almost a relief that he’s gone and the tear runs down your cheek when your back hits the door. Suddenly, Jaehyun appears across the living room leaning on the door frame to your bedroom. “He seems like a nice guy.” 

“He is.” There is a hang at the end of your sentence and Jaehyun walks toward you. A few sniffs fill the empty apartment, but you’re rubbing away any sign of sadness from your face.

“But?” 

“But, he’s so optimistic about… everything. He lives by the sun and every waking day, he just lives it to the fullest. There’s nothing in the world for this man to possibly understand how sad I feel.” It’s the heaviness in your voice that has your heart sinking to the pit of your stomach. 

Jaehyun’s freezing hands graze your chin and as he lets go, his stare doesn’t leave yours. “Learn from him.” Your best friend’s ghastly voice reminds you that he’s not real. He’s a ghost. He’s very much gone and not for a split second, should you be wanting to cave into his embrace or else, you’ll hit the floor hard. Nevertheless, you’re entirely vulnerable and the next few words that leave Jaehyun’s mouth causes your throat to close up.

“Keep him close. y/n, he is the sun.” It’s a moment you thought you’d never witness, your best friend complimenting your significant partner. Moreover, it hurts to think about how great of friends Jaehyun and Johnny could have been. “To be very honest, you need some heat this winter.”

“Then, what were you?” It’s the curiosity that nips at your tongue as it leaves no space for a pause. The thumping of your heart being so loud in the dead silence, but you know Jaehyun doesn’t have a heart to beat recklessly as yours. 

Jaehyun smirks and chuckles fondly, despite how desperate and serious you may have sounded. “I was a pain in the ass.”

Scoffing, you break the immensely intense eye contact. “You still are. This whole haunting thing is very creepy.” Gesturing his entire being in front of you, he just looks so alive and breathing. Before Jaehyun, you always thought ghosts were floating entities with a white transparency. But your best friend stands before you, well aged and all together. 

It still tosses you into shambles as to why Jaehyun exists, but you’ve given up on figuring out his purpose. He could be a form of your own imagination for all you care, perhaps you’ve grown so sad that you started to seek things. 

Companionship from the one person you wish was still alive?

Like before, you’ve always spent Christmas with Jaehyun… alive or in ghost form.

It’s another one of those long days that seem to never end. The bright white sky seems unchanging, stark with a dusty and imminent endless overcast of snow. It’s blinding and you’re regretting the moment you overlooked the curtain blinds at the department store.  

Your phone has already been lost somewhere underneath your bed and there isn’t a single desire to reach for it. Missed calls pile up, voicemails clutter your inbox, texts flood your messages, and your social media notifications fill your screen. Despite everyone’s effort to contact you, there is no sense of joyous cordial nature to even glance at them.

Jaehyun has been appearing more frequently and staying for longer periods of time. The conversations bring an empty comfort, most of the times you feel the need to remind yourself that you’re not actually talking to someone, are you?

“What’s that sad look in your eyes?” He startles you when you’re off looking vacantly out the window. Your mind has been completely distracted lately by meaningless thoughts and the sweetest reels of Jaehyun that have turned blue.

The more you wrap yourself in your white sheets, the less you can feel any source of warmth. And perhaps you haven’t realized that you no longer felt any heat the past few days, that you’re at a freezing point and it’s made you numb.

“Not sure what you mean.” Your voice remains dull and monotone, lifeless almost. Jaehyun takes a seat against the window and for the first time, you can see right through him.

“It’s not your fault, y/n.” Is he a mind reader too? The thought that always circles your mind when Christmas draws near is not only that Jaehyun is gone forever, but how you could have prevented it all. The guilt eats you up and no matter how hard you’re searching for acceptance, it slips away from you before you have a chance.

When you don’t answer, Jaehyun heads over to your bed and he’s alarmed at how cold your hands are. “It was never your fault.” Your best friend pulls you into a hug, but it can barely be felt. What kind of hug can’t be felt?

“I never said it was.”

“No, but you thought about it.” The chilly draft causes you to shiver and it’s hard for you to concentrate on anything else besides the night of his death.

“I should have stopped you from coming over.” Although you’ve confessed this many times to him before, it never gets easier to say. Jaehyun sighs and ultimately frowns at your tears slipping from your eyes again. Like the snow that drifts from the heavens, your tears know no end to their downfall. It’s become too natural for them to appear. The closer it gets to Christmas, the harder it is to stop from crying.

“It’s hard for me to speak about it since we don’t remember much of the same moments---”

“Jaehyun! I remember that night as clear as it was just yesterday that it happened.” There’s no reason to yell, but a strong sense of pain erupts from your chest.

He’s so calm at your sudden outburst, turning his head to face you with a deadpan expression. “You weren’t there, y/n. You were home, safe and sound as you should have been. I’m more than grateful that you’re the one alive.”

“I’m not!” But when the confession leaves your lips, you’re shaking and fearful. The entire room is stiff and silent. You couldn’t even believe what you had just said, wondering if that is anything close to truth. You look up at Jaehyun, who blinks at you with furrowed eyebrows and wide eyes. “I mean,” you clear your throat in the midst of the tense atmosphere. “I could have saved you.”

“You’re not a hero and I didn’t need saving when I was already gone.” He taps his temples lightly, “full trauma to the head. It was just my time to go.”

“The secret. I wanted to know so bad that I didn’t stop you from coming in a snowstorm!” Jaehyun pats your head in an attempt to soothe your aching heart.

“And I wanted to tell you just as bad that I didn’t care about the snowstorm. y/n, stop blaming yourself for something that happened to me. The universe is much more complex than that, give it some credit.”

“You’re even philosophical as a ghost? Give me a fucking break.” Groaning, you pull the sheets over your head to somehow run away from the conversation.

Jaehyun lies down next to you, smiling cheekily to himself and glancing over at the lump that you had become underneath the blankets. “Do you remember the time I taught you how to ride a bike?”

“I thought it was your dad who taught me.” You grumble, tossing away the sheets to glance over at him. It always puzzled you how Jaehyun never remembered the same memories as you do, and even if you did, one of you remembered it differently.

“He was probably there as supervision. I was the one who helped you take off your training wheels and strap on your impressively thick knee pads.” You’re lying on your elbows now, fists pressing into your cheeks and a fond attentive gaze upon Jaehyun’s resting figure. He’s staring up at the ceiling that protects you two above, yet can cave in at any moment.

Dimples dip into his round supple cheeks as his toothy smile comes into view, reliving the happy memory. “You rang your little bell so many times that day.”

“Because I was scared!” You protest, muttering something incoherent. “Didn’t we go downhill when I said I wasn’t ready?”

“We went downhill because you said you were ready.” His hair ruffles in your sheets when he turns to face you, and he just takes your breath away. It’s the stars in his dark eyes that sweep you off your feet, like the gleaming star on top of a tree. The color that oozes from his smile, like Christmas lights that line a rooftop, make it hard not to stare. Jaehyun looks just like Christmas, the most wonderful thing of the year. In someway, he resembled an angel or the soft sheet of snow ready to fall right through.

You’re encompassed by overwhelming effervescent emotions from listening and watching Jaehyun glow and gleam. “Then, what?”

Jaehyun’s low chuckle illuminates the room, dazzling the boring grey interior. “Little ol’ you, hurt yourself real bad that day, scrapes and wounds you thought you’d never heal from. You didn’t talk to me for a week, but you ended up learning how to ride a bike.”

“Is that right?”

Jaehyun rests on his side now, only an elbow supporting his body and he’s leaning in close to your face, you’re almost too sure you could feel a breath on your lips. “No matter how painful it gets, I’m always here to push you through it all.”

When your heart beats sporadically at his proximity, you didn’t realize that you are holding in a breath, being quite afraid that if you let it out, it would simply blow him away for the night. And you’re not ready for him to leave you again.

Christmas Eve;

It had to be a miracle that anyone got a hold of you this week when Johnny comes practically banging at your door. Though you are so close to ignoring his loud thumping, the sound of your boyfriend’s soft sniffles alarms you greatly.

“y/n, holy shit!” It’s deja vu when you’re in his arms again, a horribly warped version of it when the smell of peppermint bark tickles your nostrils disgustingly. “I thought something happened to you. You weren’t answering my calls or texts.”

“My one wish for Christmas was to be left alone and I meant it.” The attitude in your voice becomes jarringly evident and Johnny blinks back at you with a new found annoyance as well.

“Can you at least think of the other people around you?” He holds your shoulders lightly, but staring into his eyes seems to be harder to do lately. Jaehyun appears on the couch, lying flat on his stomach and a hand resting underneath his chin. This is no longer a private conversation, but you learned long ago that no one else can see him.

“Who are you talking about? My family? Because they’ve all given up on me.” This is the first time Johnny has seen you act so cold and distant, yet entirely vulnerable. You’re stripped of everything that you usually hide in --- oversized clothes, happy smiles, and a beaming warmth.

All Johnny ever wants is for you to be loved, not only by him, but by the world. And interestingly enough, he loved you for your vulnerability and your rawness. This is until he realizes, in this moment, that it stems from your trauma of losing Jaehyun.

“What about me, y/n? I’m still here.” Johnny is frantic, and by all means, hurt by your aloofness. Brushing off his hands from your body, you’re taking several steps away from him.

“And why are you still here when I kept telling you to leave me alone? Whenever I was upset, Jaehyun always gave me space! Haven’t ever thought about how that is something I need?” You’re saying nonsensical statements that are fueled by anger and annoyance.

He’s pushing your limits and for once, you’re pushing him away. But this isn’t new to you, in fact, you’ve pushed so many people away just like this and that’s why they’ve decided to just let you be.

Johnny is taken aback, “you know, I feel like I’m competing with Jaehyun and I’ve never even met him.”

You scoff and throw your arms in the air, visibly in disbelief at what your boyfriend is saying to you. May you lose your temper, you’re unsure about the future of this relationship. Yet, something in your cruel and painful heart no longer cared, snapping your wits and patience at your beloved.

“What are you saying?” You’re pacing back and forth, fuming with an inexplicable infuriation. Jaehyun catches your eye, and for a brief moment, you’re holding eye contact with him instead. “Jaehyun is dead,” facing Johnny now, you say words that jumble in your chest, regardless of their true meanings, “and even if he was alive, there would be no competition.”

“Because you were always going to choose him over everyone else in your life, is that right? Exactly like how you do now.” Johnny’s words sting like daggers at your skin, worse than the layer of frost that bites at you for the past two weeks.

“Please, don’t attack me for hurting.” With that, your voice breaks and cracks all over. Your tears hit the ground without you feeling them run down your cheeks.

Johnny is quick to wipe them away, not minding that his hands will now be wet from your salty droplets. He instantly regrets it all, the unwarranted questions, the fighting, the barging in unexpectedly. It pains him more to see you like this.

“I apologize. I’m sorry that I’m not saying the kindest words to you when you need to hear them the most.” Your partner is frowning, a true rare sight to see. “But, you’re still grieving and there is going to have to be a time that you move on.”

It’s one of those tip of the iceberg moments or when the ball finally hits the ground and a rush of cathartic enthusiasm washes over you. However, you’re not happy. You’re not even remotely close to happiness. You’re fucking sad, you’re aching with a pain so deeply rooted that it isolates you, that it rips apart anything that used to bring you joy.

And this causes you to scream your lungs out, sobs that choke you up. “I can’t! You don’t understand, no one understands! I just fucking can’t. He was my best friend and that night… he was going to tell me something.” Jaehyun can’t bear to hear your piercing wails, as he’s disappeared completely from the setting. When you’re panicked and searching for him, you only see Johnny staring back at you with a very concerned expression.

“And I will never know what he wanted to tell me.” Your tone grows soft and rather delicate, like a sad realization at the possibility that the secret died with Jaehyun that night.

“Some things are better left unknown. Do you really think you’ll feel better knowing?”

“Listen to him, y/n.” Jaehyun randomly appears next to Johnny’s stature. He stands a few inches shorter than him, but the sight of them together has you blinking in awe.

You’re darting between the two of them, “I don’t know what will make me feel better.”

“Come, tonight. Your whole family wants to see you for the one holiday that brings people together.” But when Johnny steps forward, you’re taking a step back.

“Please, just go.” With an assertive point to the door, your head does not lift up to watch your boyfriend leave. Despite every person you’ve done this to, Johnny’s hurts the most. His flame dies out tonight, providing no sense of security or heat. And with a toss of his arms of exasperation, he shuts your front door and leaves without a goodbye, without wishing you a merry Christmas.

Jaehyun calls your name, but you’re rushing to your bedroom and slamming the door shut. “Don’t you dare travel through the wall.”

Your apartment has grown so dark due to the shorten winter days. It’s pitch black all around you and the sky is no longer a deafening white. It’s the first time you notice the dark blue scattered clouds and the intricate snowflakes that drift carefully down to the streets. And, you’re all alone in the quietness. You truly are isolated every Christmas.

“y/n, let’s talk.” Jaehyun is beyond fed up with your behavior, that has to be the last straw. This is the first year since his death that he’s seen the evident spark in your eye, the hope that is hiding behind your depression. He sees it in the way Johnny looks at you, like you’re the greatest present he could receive in life. In your proclamation, as hard as it was to witness, is a spirit that wishes to be freed. There was a chance this year. There still is one.

“Jaehyun, you left me! You left all alone, and no matter how hard I try to stop thinking about you, it never works. In the end, no one is here for me like how you were.” Hands in your hair, you’re losing yourself at a rapid rate. It hurts to keep your eyes open, tears sting as they well up around the rims.

“Find a part of me in the people around you.” The door to your bedroom swings open and Jaehyun takes note of you by the window again. You want to leave, you want to be out there and he knows, before you can actually realize it yourself. You’re turning to face him and in the dark, he looks solid. He looks so real and whole.

“How do I do that?” It’s a genuine question that you’ve pondered before, but never feeling like you had the strength to do so. You’re always dwelling on your past with Jaehyun, indulging in the sacred memories only you two shared.

“What are things that you associate me with?” He is found leaning against your door frame again, hands are shoved into the pockets of his faded jeans.

You say the first thing on your mind, “snow.” When the words hit the air, your ceiling light flickers briefly. Jaehyun doesn’t flinch, however, still focused on your crying figure. Snow, the first sign of snowfall is when he appears for the winter.

“What else?” He encourages.

“Familiarity.” The light flashes again, for a mere second longer this time before it resumes darkness. Familiarity, for he grew up by your side for as long as you could remember.

There is an odd feeling that enters the room and you’re fearful of the unknown. But, Jaehyun’s cadence doesn’t falter, he’s not distracted by the random spurts of light. And if anything, it all could be his doing. “Keep going.”

“Comfort.” Flicker. “Warmth. Love. Excitement.” With each word, the light builds stronger and stronger. You’re speaking memories into existence now, “making snow angels until it got dark, laughing until our stomachs hurt, watching movies until the clock struck midnight, dancing until our legs gave out!”

Streams run down your face and you’re yelling until your throat feels raw, but you don’t wish to stop as the light glows brighter and brighter with each spoken word.

As you listen to every listed attribute and memory, you recognize a central theme in all of them and one thing that Jaehyun embodies, the one thing he’s always been associated with.

“Christmas.” A shaky breath exhales and a loud spark pierces your ears. The light illuminates intensely all around you, lighting up the darkest corners of your room and blinding you more than the sky has been lately.

“Jaehyun?” Closing your eyes, you can see the brightness through your eyelids and you’re beyond confused as to what is happening. When you mindlessly reach for his hand, you actually feel it and your heart is soaring due to strange unquestionable physics.

Jaehyun intertwines your hand in his own and caresses your face gently. For once, he doesn’t feel cold. He’s blazing hot, melting away the long days of isolation. “Open your eyes, y/n.”

What lies before you is an incredible, marvelous sight. Snow dusts the roof of your family’s house as green, red, yellow bulbs light the frame of it. Your parents really went all out; round snowmen sit perfectly together on your lawn. A decorative wreath hangs at the front door and a distinct chuckle catches your attention.

From the window that looks into your kitchen, your mother rolls a sheet of dough on the counter as clouds of flour erupt around her. Your father is preoccupied at the stove, with the silliest gimmicks for decorating the feast they’re about to hold. Silver tinsel line the dinner table with a festive table cloth draped upon it. The remarkable tree shines in the center of the living room, a glimmering star on top. 

“I know we probably won’t see y/n again this Christmas…” The sound of your mother’s voice rings a bell in your yearning heart and Jaehyun is gazing at you with a wondrous look in his eyes. The grip on his hand is tight, your breath enters the night in puffs of smoke, and regardless of this all being real or imaginary, you’re so immersed in this reality that he knows you’re anticipating what your family has to say.

“... but something about this year really makes me miss them.” Your mother puts the rolling pin off to the side and rests her hand on the kitchen counter, trying to hold back any form of her own tears from falling.

“May Jaehyun watch over them tonight, our little angel doesn’t deserve to be alone.”

Your dad walks over to embrace your mother in a long hug, kissing the top of her head gently. “Merry Christmas, y/n.” Your father speaks into the air, without the knowledge of you outside, he’s thinking of you.

Something in your heart shatters, but it’s entirely different from the pain you’ve felt over the years following Jaehyun’s death. It’s a warm, bubbly feeling that spreads across your chest and you’re covering your mouth out of pure shock at the sight of your parents.

Your parents, who you’ve neglected every holiday season, still think of you. You recognize the ingredients that scatter the table, they make your favorite dish every year in hopes you’ll come join them. 

Jaehyun whispers, “y/n, know that I’m always going to be here. I may physically be gone, but I live in your heart and the joyous memories we’ve shared together. I live through the many people who love you now, through Christmas. This spirit is also very much alive in the other people around you.”

When you peel your eyes from the scene of your parents, the vision suddenly disappears and you’re facing Jaehyun right back in your cold, empty, dark apartment. But you wish the moment lasted a little longer. For the first time in a long time, you wish to be with your loved ones. You wish to celebrate Christmas with the people who still care about you, the ones that are still alive and well.

“What if I’m not ready?”

“This signifies my final push down the hill. You’re all strapped up in your knee pads, y/n. You’re never truly going to be ready, but that shouldn’t stop you from trying.” Jaehyun pats your head lovingly and mimics the motions of securing a helmet on your head.

You’re letting go of his hand, running around quickly in search for the appropriate outerwear for the snow. It’s like a switch went off in your heart and a cathartic feeling settles in the pit of your stomach.

Every Christmas since his passing, you thought it was best to be alone. You thought it was selfish to live your favorite holiday season without your best friend, that you lost the spirit of Christmas.

However, this entire time… Jaehyun’s ghost has been a reminder that the Christmas spirit has always been alive. It’s not about the enthusiastic festive events or the cheerful themed activities or the distinct colorful decorations, it’s about the appreciation and love you have for the people who have made your year so special. You’ve associated the holiday so much with your best friend, that you’ve lost sight of it in your family, your current friends, your own boyfriend.

When you’re rushing out the door, you stop in your tracks and peer back at Jaehyun leaning against your door frame, just as he appeared a few weeks ago. He has the warmest, brightest smile on his face, “y/n, I think I finally remember the secret I wanted to tell you.” You’re afraid of the answer and the outside world, but your hand doesn’t slip from the door handle. Could it really be? The long anticipated secret that has been gnawing at your conscience since his death?

Nevertheless, he’s giggling and holding his stomach slightly from the immense amount of joyous laughter. “I wanted to tell you that I... finally learned how to shave.”  

At first, you’re stunned at the simplicity of the beheld secret. All this time, you thought it had been something so meaningful, something so mind blowing, that needing to know practically destroyed your mental state. Then, a wholehearted and genuine laugh erupts from inside of you and you’re lighting up the darkest parts of yourself. Jaehyun looks at you fondly, like a beauty that he hasn’t seen in awhile. 

“That’s fucking it? You came out in the middle of a blizzard to tell me you learned how to shave? How lame.”

Jaehyun chuckles, “when did I ever need an extremely valid reason to see you?” The laughter falls short at his confession and in the midst of all this enthusiasm, you bid him the softest smile. His purpose has been fulfilled, as the best version of you he’s always known and loved stands before him at last. 

“I guess... you’re right. What’s going to happen to you now?”

“I’ll always be here for Christmas, even when you’re old and grey surrounded by the warmth of your loved ones in front of a large, extravagant Christmas tree. When the snow falls, I’ll be here.” Jaehyun’s dimple smile is the lasting image you see, the one you’ve always hoped to remember him by.  

“Merry Christmas, Jung Jaehyun… I--”

“Love you too, y/n. Merry Christmas.” He ushers you out the door with a small kiss on your knuckles.

That is the last time you ever see him again. Now, when the snow falls, it marks the anniversary of your long awaited healing, the journey to acceptance, and the beloved memory of your best friend. May you never lose the spirit of Christmas and the warmth from your loved ones.

[yandere-society]

au where yn and yandere of your choice are childhood friends, and when they meet each other again as adults the yandere gradually becomes obsessed with them? thanks 🌸💕

New Hire

Admin: 💖 @mintedmango

Words: 1.7k

Warnings: Yandere themes, stalking, mentions of potential murder/ death, obsessions/ obsessing over someone, unhealthy thinking and possessive thoughts.

≿————-　❈　————-≾

“Hi,” you grin to the young host as you cheerfully enter into the restaurant fifteen minutes before your first shift was about to start. 

You’ve had kind of a shit day so far and you were hoping that your night only got better from here. Your car was having trouble and not starting until you jumped it with your neighbor, you spilled coffee on your blouse on the way over (which was fine though, your apron should cover it, it was just the principal of the manner), and there was something unusual about your apartment that you couldn’t put your finger on. Every time you keep waking up, all the lights were on, even though you’ve made sure that they were, in fact, turned off. You’ve convinced yourself that it’s faulty wiring but you couldn’t shake the way that this was unnerving you. 

You sigh, trying not to think about it more than you usually do. 

Focusing your mind back to work you walk up through the waiting area toward the young host. Usually, Wednesday nights at EatJin were pretty simple and the staff were mostly the ones you have trained so you know that closing would run pretty smoothly. “Afternoon Chenle.” 

“Y/N!” Chenle’s eyes nearly pop out of his head. You yelp as he swiftly pulls you behind the podium by your elbow. Not that he hurt you, oh gosh no. Chenle was one of the newer staff so you didn’t know him very well, but you knew he would never hurt a fly. You were just caught off guard is all. 

Luckily it wasn’t too crowded or too busy this evening so you weren’t concerned about him acting so unprofessional. But you had a soft spot for his infectious laughter and his kind brown eyes that sparkled every time you spoke to him. 

“Is something wrong?” You say in a hushed voice, eye sockets expanding as they quickly roam the room to locate the jerk who was giving little Chenle trouble. 

Fine dining was so exquisite and such an experience but sometimes the people who sat and enjoyed the chef’s meals were not kind. You were surely not cut from the same cloth, but everyone deserves to be treated with respect and you made sure your staff knew that the customers came first in many aspects but your team were not pushovers. 

The young blonde shakes his head. “Nothings wrong, it’s just that…” he trails off, looking toward table three. 

Was it just you or did you feel like there was another set of eyes watching you for some reason? 

With a flare of your nostrils, you give a quick, sharp dagger-like glare up to the table in the corner of the dining room only to find it empty. Your brow furrows as you turn your attention to Chenle again with whom you’ve noticed hasn’t let go of your arm at all. “Chenle. What is wrong?” 

His eyes nearly bug out of his head with your direct, professional tone that you’ve never used on him. “We just have a-a-a new hire today that-t I d-didn’t kn-know about is all.” He drops the hold he has upon your arm as he stands in front of you, shell-shocked and looking like he was losing color in his face. His rich amber gaze flickers over your shoulder and you can’t help but follow his gaze behind you.

Your brows nearly touch your nose, furrowing so deep. You’ve never seen Chenle so nervous, it was making you, in turn, itch with anxious energy. 

A prickly, throat running incredibly dry, your blood freezing into a thin ice-cold feeling creeps over your senses as you turn and look over your shoulder. Time moved like sticky molasses as you glance behind you. Something isn’t right but you are ignoring the way all the little hairs on your body stand up at attention. 

Your eyes open slowly, mouth parting as your sockets expand. No way! You know this man! There’s no way you couldn’t! You admittedly did have such a crush on him up until the day you moved away, staring at him in the back of your mom’s minivan. Your mom’s were friends since before you were both born, growing up down the street from each other. It was ingrained in your brain that you had to be friends with the little boy with the soft eyes, protecting him from schoolyard bullies and that of the like. Though, it was surprising since you moved away from your hometown a few states away when you were very young. 

But, even though he’s older and immensely more attractive since you were little you’d know that jawline anywhere. 

You point, mouth agape and eyes wide as you rake in the taller frame of your childhood friend with his hands stuffed into his khaki pants that were already in uniform. His light brown strands softly curl around his face, making him look like a sweet cherub. Just as you remember him.

“Park Jimin!”

His eyes that look a little tired crinkle, becoming little half-moons, puffy lips curving into a beautiful smile that was brighter than a thousand of the sun’s rays. “Y/N.” He nearly purrs, nodding his head with his one-worded reply. 

“It’s good to see you!” You cheerfully state, enveloping him in a warm embrace. Jimin’s eyes pop out of his head as you dive in for a tight hug. His hands barely caress your back as you catch him off guard, nearly squeezing the life out of him whilst he stands there completely shell-shocked. 

He smells like sweet musk and a clean man wrapped into one and you try not to inhale in his ear too much. God, you were lonely, weren’t you? How long has it been since you were with a man? 

You gulp and pull away, shaking the self-pitying thoughts away. “Le, is this our new hire?” You ask looking over your shoulder, continuing to drape your arms over your childhood friend. 

You miss the way Jimin deadpans looking over your shoulder at the young host, making him go wide-eyed and nearly jump in his skin. The atmosphere was stiff, but you again don’t pick up on the way your body was still tense around Jimin. You are just thrilled to catch up with Jimin when you have the opportunity to. 

“Y-Yes.” Chenle whispers, not taking his eyes off Jimin.

This one has to go too. Jimin thinks, watching the way Chenle’s gaze flickers to and fro to Y/N. He noted the way he kept his hands on her arm for far too long earlier too. He shouldn’t even be around her. He shouldn’t be touching her. He shouldn’t even exist. 

“Perfect, okay, well usually Seokjin lets me know when there’s a new hire in,” You sing-song, taking his hand and lead your buddy to the back room, “but this is a pleasant surprise!” You beam at him, taking off your coat and purse and hanging it up in your favorite spot. The wait staff all says hello as you pass by and you nod happily as you make haste to start your shift. 

“I was just brought in last night by the owner.” His voice was as soft as a cloud and as clear as a mountain stream. 

“By Seokjin?” You query to him, tying your apron around your waist. “He hired you on last night?” That’s odd you think handing him a fresh apron off the adjacent hook for the regular wait staff. You were up late texting him about menu changes and what could be improved on with the new year already flying by. He never mentioned a new hire nor was it really time to hire a new person on the team. Not that you were complaining that Jimin was here, no. But it was just…strange, to say the least. 

“Yes by… Seokjin.” You miss the way he watches you rifle through stacks of paperwork and forms to pull things out for Jimin to sign. The curve of your body, the hem of your blouse rising just enough so he could get a glimpse of your skin under the white fabric. Jimin wants to look away but he can’t, seeing the smooth flesh of your stomach as you reach for the box on the top shelf of the cubbyhole space. You mean that heavy son of a bitch that he dragged out of here last night, then yes. 

“Great!” You say standing, handing him a clipboard and a pen as she fiddles around on the manager’s computer, clocking herself in. She then writes a note to herself to remember to set Jimin up with a password and username and then the time. She stands with a smile, eyes lit with passion behind them. “You can have a seat here and fill out this information,” you point to the clipboard, “and I’m going to make sure it’s running smoothly here and I’ll be right back. Alright?” 

Jimin can only nod, watching her pink lips form words. He didn’t like the idea of her being out of his sight, but he was doing this to be closer to her so he complies. 

“I’ll be right back, Minnie.” She giggles as she slips out of the back room. 

Jimin plops down in the swivel chair his mouth slightly parted and his eyes wide. My nickname. She remembers my nickname. Jimin is stunned, holding his breath, heart nearly pounding out of his sternum, the image of her smile ingrained into his brain. She remembers me. It’s been so long since he’s seen you, held you, touched you. Well, all of that since you’ve been awake and conscious. Jimin’s dominant hand shoots to his pocket, feeling the plastic ring you gave to him before you left. I thought you were gone for good, he thinks in his head as he thumbs the worn plastic in his fingers, turning it over and over again until he makes a resolution in his head, hearing her giggle outside of the door to the backroom. 

His eye twitches and his breathing hitches. 

She’s never leaving again. I won’t let her. This time, she’s not going anywhere. 

She’s all mine. 

[evak-fic-rec-turtleanon]

Evak Fic Rec - Angst

Here are SOME of the angsty fics i love. They range from light to heavy angst. Make sure you read the tags. Some of these deal with heavy themes. A few I haven't read but I want to. I sure I'm forgetting a bunch of angsty fics I love. I wish I could make a comprehensive list but that's just impossible. If you want to suggest fics, I'll be happy to check them out. For the anon from this ask. 

** Angst with happy ending ** No happy ending

***** With Happy Ending *****  

(2017) Where's my Love by suckmyboardbxtch (757 words) - Even is in a depressive episode. Kinda ambiguous ending. I love this one so much. It's very short but it moved me.

(2017) Not Always Soft by scritch (1k words) - Here is what they don't tell you about the sadness. What sadness is like for Even. Ends on a hopeful note.

(2017) Alone by waitineedaname (2k words) - Character death. Painful. Kinda happy ending.

(2017) Love (in all it's boring simplicity) by verlore_poplap (2.8k words) - Even breaks Isak's heart in this one. Break up au.

(2017) To Burn With Desire by photographer_of_thoughts (6k words) - Unrequited love though not really. kinda angsty.

(2020) a garden for your love by eggsntoast (9.3k words) - Light angst I think. Hanahaki au. Funny and angsty and sweet and beautiful.

(2019) Your presence still lingers here by nofeartina (11k words) - Even is immortal. Isak isn't. Can you already feel the angst from that description? Because let me tell ya, it starts out fluffy but you can just see the angst underlying it. And then the angst hits and it's a delicious pain. With every update Amy Lee's voice gets louder and louder in my head. (I didn't pick Rearranged because I think that's a popular one. But if you haven't read it, please do so. It has a lovely amount of angst.)

(2018) shrivelfig by towonderland72 (kittpurrson) (11k words) - Reuploaded in 2020. Delicious angst mixed with a Potter au? Sign me up. tender (is the night) is also one of the popular angsty fics.

(2018) Lighthouse by Laika_the_husband (12k words) - I've been wanting to start this fic. Seems like a good amount of angst.

(2018) in these deep solitudes and awful cells by hippopotamus (14k words) - Post break up au. This one hurt (I say that like the rest of this list don't hurt)

(2017) Sideways and Slantways by iriswests (17k words) - Isak gets stuck in an elevator with the one person he's vowed never to speak to again. Moderate angst, I think with fluff sprinkled all over. I did not pick TMTTS because that one is pretty popular.

(2019) The Glow of the Cities Below Lead Us Back by LavenderWater (22k words) - Character death but it has a happy ending. Exactly a year to the day after Isak and Jonas die in an apartment fire, Even meets a strange man outside of his grief group. This man asks Even an impossible question: Would he rather move on from the pain of losing Isak or, if he could, would he chose to go back to him knowing what he knows now? Beautiful fic

(2017) Hard Knocks by DiscoNight (25k words) - The angst in this made me angry at everybody, I wanted to fight someone. Isak gets very hurt emotionally and physically. Dom/sub dynamic between Isak and Even.

(2018) Just your average ordinary everyday Superhero by vorfm95 (34k words) - Angsty superhero soulmate au. Has character death but it's a happy ending.

(2017) What Death Doesn't Touch by smokeshop (41k words) - I love this fic! It's been a long time since I read it so I can't remember what level of angst this is. Maybe moderate to heavy? I do remember that it is really good. They meet in a psychiatric hospital and grow in ways they'd never intended, and decide early on that they don't have to take it all so seriously.

(2019) Supernova by hannakin (45K words) - Childhood friends who drifted apart. Isak is angry at the world. He is lonely but determined that he is better off alone. People tell Even to not bother. That Isak is not worth it. But how can he not? All he wants is to see Isak smile again. Arghh the angst!

(2018) four movements on a first wedding by chevythunder (47k words) - Isak's spent years keeping his distance to Even, worried that any kind of closeness could trigger feelings he won't be able to suppress. Waking up married to Even after a blurry night in Las Vegas throws a slight wrench in those plans. Angsty. Theres's a cat. I loved the minor characters.

(2017) Don't Fuss Over Me by everything_else (53k words) - I love this fic so much! Involves an abusive relationship. A lot of angst and a lot of healing.

(2019) The first star you see may not be a star by Laika_the_husband (53k words) - I LOVE Laika's fics. He has a bunch of fics with heavy themes and this angsty one really cut deep for me. Isak is a sex worker who specializes in services of not traditionally sexual nature. Even, his new client has a request that is not the most bizarre, but the most disturbing one Isak has ever received. The fic ends on a hopeful note. And there is a short sequel that is fluffier.

(2017) Legitimate Expectations by champagneleftie (57k words) - Listen. The angst is quite heavy with this one. Involves infidelity. Such a good fic.

(2017) That's Not My Name by cuteandtwisted (61k words) - No angst list would be complete without Wiss but I think fics like BFYT have been mentioned a lot so I've picked an older fic to rec. One night stand that does not stay a one night stand.

(2019/2020) I Can Hardly Breathe by Flatfootmonster (82k words) - This is mostly moderate angst I think. There's a lot of fluff too. But there is a particular scene but that is straight up heavy angst. I love Bec's writing. If you get a chance to read their other stuff, you'll not regret it.

(2017) Don't Let Me Go by unfancyandy (86k words) - This one is in my to read. It seems like a very angsty fic going by the comments. And everybody has a lot of praise for it. Has the major character death tag. I'm not sure who died but I believe this has a happy ending.

(2018) Next to you, is where I call home by LostInAdmiration (101k words) - Childhood best friend au so you know there is pining. Inspired by the movie Jongens. They are in a track team.

(2017) The Oceans Shall Freeze by DiscoNight, realityiwanted (121k words) - The viking fic. yeah.gif

(2017) All Stories Are Echoes by sebastianL (123k words) - There is no way I can make a list that fit this fic and not put it on there. It's ASAE. It's sad, and beautiful and just everything. It's in first person pov which I usually have problems with and yet this is one of the best things I've read. It just works.

(WIP) (2017) Crash Into Me by endlessandinfinite (155k words) - I haven't read this yet but @isaksforelsket highly recommends it so I wanted to put this on here. I can't wait to start this fic!

(2017) Cleansing my Soul by imissedyourskin (217k words) - This is an incredible fic. Even fights for equal rights and is openly pansexual. Isak is a quiet admirer unsure of his sexuality. But there is always more than meets the eye...

***** No Happy Ending *****  

70% of these are character death fics. Just ask if you want clarity on which ones they are

(2018) fade by hippopotamus (568 words) - Even fades away in a hospital, and Isak fades away with him

(2018) I will be the one to make you crawl by Tuii (1k words) - Not happy ending ish? A look into what it's like to be bipolar

(2017) you've got the light to fight the shadows by orphan_account (1k words) - Isak's thoughts after Even introduced Sonja.

(2020) Freedom by Hibiskisss (1.3k words) - Sad and beautiful. You decide whose pov it is.

(2017) We're the Masters of Our Own Fate by obscurial (1.8k words) I read this in bits and pieces because it is so good but so painful. I will come back and read the whole thing. My dearest Isak. Before you continue reading, I want you to know that this is not your fault. Isak returns to the hotel room, but this time, he is alone.

(2018) so lucky that you were mine by empty_venom (2k words) - Not a happy ending but kinda ends on a slightly comforting note. Very slightly, though. It's still heartbreaking.

(2018) Four Hours by bri_ness (2.2k words) - It's not heavy angst but it feels like heavy angst. Throat hurting because you're trying not to cry kinda pain. A fleeting moment of connection that was not allowed to go further.

(2019) ghosts that we knew by thekardemomme (2.5k words) - I cried so hard.

(2019) I'm Gonna See Some Friends by Wrappedbubble (4k words) - Oh this was painful. 

(2018) pieces by tusktooth (4k words) - Painful! Isak wakes up in a hospital the day after Eva's party. The doctor tells him that he was in a coma. 

(2018) I'll be right beside you by hannakin (20k words) - I haven't read this one but I skimmed the ending because that's what I do when there's character death mentioned and this looks like the kind of fic that would crack my heart open so I had to add it on here.

[savrenim]

I feel like perhaps my problem is that all my stories eventually metamorph into tragedies. No idea what that says about me! Anyways thank you for the advice :)

I think there’s something super valid about that and I’ve noticed it happening a fair bit to me too so more rambles after the cut?

so this one is coming from a very personal place so I suspect it’s very very different for everyone, but as a kid, my absolute favorite story if I’d had to pick one was Lord of the Rings. especially the movies, I was obsessed with the costuming and production values and music and just the immersive nature of it all, it was gorgeous and I loved it and everything about it sorry legit lotr fandom I have not read the silmarillion but the thing that always stuck out the most to me was how real the ending felt, specifically Frodo not feeling like he was able to return to the Shire because he was too different, the world had changed too much for him

and my childhood felt like a constant battle against the forces of Evil that were trying to crush and destroy my world completely, and the degree to which I fought back, I won, I escaped -- suddenly out in the world I no longer had to be constantly fighting (at least against forces that were specifically trying to crush me instead of, like, general capitalism) and I was a bit at a loss. didn’t know what to do. it didn’t feel like it could be over, what was left in the world after years and years of fighting that consumed the entirety of my world, even if it didn’t destroy it completely. 

and I never really found an answer, until taz: balance? which I won’t spoil at all if you’re unfamiliar and it is long and a podcast and seems like it’s just a joke and everything is comedic bit after comedic bit (some somewhat more crass than others, although none crossed a line for me) and then it just hits you with 

and it genuinely broke my heart and pieced it back together again because suddenly it became a story about characters that had gone through a lifetime of constantly fighting against something that felt like the end of the world and then the ending wasn’t “oh. we’ve saved the world but we’ve changed and this is no longer home”, it was “oh, we’ve saved the world and we’ve changed, and we can make this home.”

and that was weirdly life-changing to me to see that in a story, where the main cast after going through hell could happily settle down into a civilian life which while it wasn’t necessarily a fairy-tale “happily ever after” they didn’t have to fight constantly anymore and didn’t need to and it didn’t destroy them so much that they couldn’t live. they rebuilt, and it was beautiful. there are probably parts of me that are never going to not be consciously or subconsciously preparing to be attacked, but that’s okay, I’m okay with that part of me, and I can live in a mostly chill world where I don’t need to fight without cutting that part out of me, because life exists beyond the end of the world.

a lot of the stories that I’ve written or am writing are either directly about or contain characters based on/ settings/ themes/ arcs/ etc of how I feel. sometimes intended to vent, sometimes intended to comfort. when I had a stupidly huge crush on a camp-counselor-turned-mentor at age 14, the plots of the novels that I wanted to write were “dramatic ya protagonist saved the world oh and also they totally do end up with their several-years-older-but-like-not-too-much-older super cool mentor figure. and it’s all okay because that person is there after Defeating The Evil so it’s totally a happily ever after.” when I’d escaped my abusive household but oops things still were falling apart bc mental health, the stories were “the world is ending biblical imagery this time and time exists as a cycle and consistently always ends and ends like this and the story follows the archangels at the end/beginning of the world as they slowly in horror learn that after killing the archdemons they’ve been fighting for all of existence and time turns and begins again and new archangels appear and cast them out of heaven, that they were the archdemons all along, and there is nothing they can do to change a history that is set in stone to repeat itself and they can just watch as they either slowly sink into insanity and lose sentience and become mindless beasts, or lose hope so much that they lose the will to fight back against their fate and decide to make their past/future selves pay and start the apocalypse all over again” or “alternate universe historical cold war with aliens at a science research base where like the first solid half of the story is the families of all the researchers get trapped in their bunker and the air filtration system isn’t working and they suffocate while the researchers outside watch, also everything has been nuked so even if we succeed in calling off the second wave civilization as we know it is over” or there’s not even any plot so I can only describe it as a psychological horror brainwashing dystopia larp where the fundamental horror besides the inherent horror of the octagon house stemmed from the fact that reality itself seemed to be unravelling at the seams, nothing about the world or knowledge about the world could be trusted, even a happy ending barely felt like a victory or an escape bc the characters didn’t know if everything was about to dissolve into nothingness or if their world even really existed 

anyways things got better and my writing is no longer that, although I’m strongly considering one day polishing up and making something of some of those pieces bc they were pretty cool. but also.....my stories are slightly less obvious about it now but still are just dumping grounds for what I’m feeling trash novel started because I went “you know what there’s too much sadness in my life and my DnD campaigns I want a story where the MC is super powerful and badass and nothing bad happens to her and I can rest assured in that fact and, like, build the rest up from there” and Saes ended up being the “hmmm had childhood trauma but chill and over it” character and Luka ended up being the “hmmm what if I was able to actually act on all of the rage that I felt about my situation instead of keeping it diplomatic to my family constantly” I personally find it impossible to write something that I do not personally feel in some way. mostly because writing is a hobby for me to vent emotions? so.... why am I writing it if I don’t personally feel it type deal, and then editing it and balancing it out and turning it into an actual readable story happens afterwards. if you find things are tending towards tragedy, and always tend towards tragedy when you write, my personal advice at least would be either:

(a) lean into it. write tragedy. write at any given time what vents your emotions the most and gives you the most catharsis, and let your story just be a punching bag for anything terrible that you want to unload. bc it’ll feel like that for the readers too, sometimes everything just needs to be horrible and smashed and get it out and let it be that, it’s okay.

(b) convince yourself in your heart of hearts that there is life after trauma. that some things can never be fixed but they can grow and change and work around the broken bits. write everything that makes your story as terrible and as much of a tragedy as you’d planned. and then make it okay to live afterwards. because if there’s one thing that humans are absolutely incredible for being able to do, it’s keep living and keep making life worth living.

you might write totally different than I do in which case this advice might be thoroughly trash in terms of finding inspiration to write something non tragic. and, like, if you do write from your feelings.... current global situation and general hopes for the future in terms of climate change and fascism and plague all feels hopeless kind of for the human race in general? but humans are pretty hard to destroy. as pessimistic as I feel about current trajectory of the world, civilization might collapse in the next hundred or so years, but I don’t think humanity will be gone. and even if it does go, life certainly won’t be gone. hell as a mathematician I know that there is life out there on other planets, that we live in a universe brimming with life; organic molecules form far too easily and there are far too many planets out there for statistically there not to be more. nothing that’s happening right now can touch a universe that is full of life, and I can live day by day making the world maybe a slightly better place for the people around me, and that’s a good a reason to hope as any. 

just.... write for yourself first and foremost, and what’ll come out will be something beautiful and worthwhile. tragedy or no.

[kpoptrashmx]

A Misunderstanding: Lee Minho Soulmate Au Pt.3

Hey guys, I know it’s been a while since I posted for this series and I would like to apologize for that. In the past couple of years, I have had things happening in my life for the good and the worse which has affected my overall health. Because of that, I was never in the right headspace to continue this series. But every now and then, I’ll get notification that people have read my series which makes me happy. Now, that everything is okay with me, I have decided to continue writing and finishing up this series. There will be another part to this with an epilogue in the end so do look out for that! But for now, do enjoy the continuation of this series, part 3 of A Misunderstanding!

PS: It’s been a while since I’ve written so that quality might be bad...

PSS: If you have any questions or requests do leave them in my box, I’ll be sure to read and write them because I have nothing else to do during quarantine now

But anyways, do enjoy reading!

- Iman

_______________________________________________

Genre: Romance, Soulmate Au, Themes of Hanahaki Disease, Slight Angst

Pairing: Lee Minho (Stray Kids) x Reader

Word Count: 3195 words

Description: Y/N and Minho have been best friends for their entire life and have bonded as soulmates but there is one problem within this fantasy. Minho has been blinded and tricked by a fellow classmate by making him believe that he is her soulmate. A replica of Y/N and Minho’s soulmate bond has been tattooed on her body in spite of stealing him away from his original lover to fulfill her needs and crush on him. Now, if Y/N doesn’t find a way to bring Minho back to reality and become an official couple before the end of their high school careers, she will have to suffer from internal and external pain for the rest of her life because of the separation from her one and only. Will Y/N be able to make her best friend and her soulmate realize that she’s the one for him before it’s all too late? Or will she have to suffer the life-long consequences?

Prologue / Part 1 / Part 2

_______________________________________________

Minho’s POV

“Minho have you heard of soulmates? My grandma told me that two people who have the same mark on their body and fall in love with each other when they get older!” “That’s cool! I wonder if we have a mark or the same mark!” I remember hearing Y/N talk about the concept of soulmates when we were younger and it always intrigued me. After my mark was visible on the side of my torso, I always walked around town pulling up people’s sleeves and taking a quick glance at their arms to find a mark that was somewhat similar or identical to my own, however I couldn’t find anyone with any marks with birds flying and a bouquet of flowers so I started to lose faith and hope in the whole idea of soulmates. When senior year came along, I found Seoyun, my soulmate. I was ecstatic to finally find my soulmate after 17 years of finding them, but it affected my friendship with Y/N so badly I have caused her so much damage and pain. All this time, I was blinded by a girl who wanted me for my popularity and skills rather than falling in love with a gain who knew me inside and out and was always there for me no matter the time of day or the place I was at. However, I only realised my mistakes after seeing my best friend suffering alone at the hospital with a chance of either dying or losing all emotions due to her diagnosis of Hanahaki Disease. In order to find out more about my mistake and to learn in-depth, I decided to go back to the countryside quickly to visit my grandparents and the local shaman to talk about this issue. 

An hour bus ride back to Gimpo from Seoul is enough time for me to read the book Jennie gave me when we saw each other in the hospital. She told me to read it in order to understand what soulmates are and the consequences of soulmate rejections. I remember seeing this book in my parents’ house because of their special bond. My mother and father consequently are soulmates and they found out about their faith in college and got married a few years after the whole incident. When I get back, I want to talk to both of them about their experiences with the whole concept of soulmates. Anyways here we go, hopefully by the end of this, I can understand fully about this concept Y/N dearly loved ever since she was a child, fix my mistakes and make it up to her no matter what it takes. 

Gimpo Station, Gimpo Station. We will be arriving at Gimpo Station shortly. 

Well, that’s my station, hopefully both my grandparents and parents are home so that I can talk to all of them. I need to do this quickly before something bad happens to Y/N while I’m out. I make my way to my small house where I used to grow up in in the countryside, a lot of memories flash through my mind especially my memories with Y/N. The playground reminded me of the times where I would play at the swings with Y/N and push her from behind, I still here her scream “Push me higher! I want to touch the skies'' in my head. Makes me chuckle knowing that sometimes she’d lose her grip and fall on her face. Damn… she means a lot to me but I’m so lost, confused and blinded. I walk through the gates of my house and open the doors, a familiar smell of the house hits my nostril and brings me back to my childhood days, “Eomma, I’m home!” I reunited with my parents after 3 years of not seeing them because of my studies in Seoul and my dancing career under JYP Entertainment. Brief hugs and kisses are given but after all of that commotion, I pull both my grandparents and parents into the living so that we could talk about my problems and issues back in Seoul. “Eomma, Appa, I wanted to ask you about relationships and soulmate bonds in specific... Can you tell me about your story about how you met, how you got together. Also can you explain why this whole soulmate thing is really important and why people who are bonded should be other and not with other people?” 

“I see that you're having problems with Y/N and Seoyun, and you’re unsure who your real soulmate is. Don’t worry my child, we’ll help you find your true identity and loved one. I hope you have time on your hands because there’s a lot to talk about. So, sit down and pay attention to what we have to say.” 

After hours sitting down with my parents and finally understanding the concept of soulmates with their expertise, I have come to a conclusion that I have in fact messed up and caused great pain to the person that has been by my side since we were young and always supported my dreams. I don’t know if she’ll ever forgive me for the pain and agony I have caused her but, I’ll do anything to make sure things are cleared between the both of us. I need to fix what I have caused and end things with Seoyun even if it means certain consequences. Before I take my leave back to Seoul, my parents give me their last advice and hand me a good luck charm hoping that I can mend things before things are too late.

“Minho, my baby, you need to know that the hanahaki disease may or may not take Y/N’s life after this considering the stage she’s currently in right now. It may hurt you and cause you pain after this as there were mishaps along the way that require consequences so do keep that in mind, but remember we’ll always be by your side and will help if you need anything from here onwards, okay?” My parents say while bringing me into a warm hug for support. I thank them and make my way out of the house and back to Seoul where I need to make things right with the girl I love. 

Y/N’s POV

Bright lights start coming into view and hushed noises start surrounding me as I wake up. 

“Hey babe, you’re finally awake. How are you feeling right now? Feeling better?” Jennie comes up to me from the chair across the room with a bottle of water in hand. I nod my head to her last question as my throat feels too dry to give a reply. “Here take this and drink up”

As I drink up the water she offers me, so many things start going around in my head. Am I okay? What’s going to happen to me after this? Is everything going to be alright? Am I even breathing properly? 

“Where is Minho?” I ask Jennie. 

She looked at me unsure of what to say which made me think he’s probably with Seoyun right now doing whatever. The thought of them together makes me so agitated that I started to cough out more flower petals in the process. Jennie looks at me frightened and runs out of the room in search of a nurse. As she leaves, I come to a decision that I can’t live like this anymore and decide to go through with the removal surgery regardless of the consequences that come with it. I look at the clock beside me and hope for whatever faith has in mind for my future.

Minho’s POV 

After arriving in Seoul after a long bus ride, I start making my way to Seoyun’s house to break things off with her and start fixing things with the girl I was supposed to be with a long time ago. Along the way, I start to think of ways to make it up to Y/N and how to apologize to her for all of the troubles and pain I have caused her. Seeing Seoyun’s house in the distance, I dash up to her front step hoping to end things quickly and make my way to the hospital. I knock on the door and wait a bit for her to come down. While standing outside, I hear her come down quickly and hear a slight tud.  

“Jagi what are you doing here? It’s late” Seoyun opens the door abruptly while looking slightly disheveled. I look at her up and down in confusion. While I am suspicious of her previous activities, I make my way into her home and sit on the couch telling her that we have to talk which makes her a bit uneasy. 

“Seoyun, just tell me the truth, are you really my soulmate?” I ask while I look up at her while she’s fixing her hair and shirt. “Of course, I am. Why are you asking that so suddenly? Why are we even talking about this right now? Can we talk about this tomorrow morning, I need to sleep babe”  She answers back. While I look at her I can tell she doesn’t feel comfortable and looks as if she wants me out of the house. Her uneasiness raises some suspicion in me and makes me think she’s hiding something from me.

“Why do you seem so uneasy and why do you want to talk about this tomorrow morning and not right now?” I ask her while taking some steps towards her. As she’s about to answer me, I hear a low voice talking in the background, “Babe, are you still talking to him? Are you not coming back upstairs?” I look around to see a head pop up at the staircase. Tensions start rising between the three of us and the puzzle pieces start coming together. 

Seoyun looks back at me and the figure at the staircase and seems to come to a realization that things have gone wrong. I look back at Seoyun in anger and start asking her who that man was and what was going on right now. She looks back at me in fear and has nothing to say to the situation that unfolded. While she’s flabbergasted at the situation, I look back at the man and start approaching him to find out what was going on. “Who are you and what are you doing in my girlfriend’s house?” I ask him. He looks back at me, “I was going to ask the same thing”. We both look back at Seoyun hoping to get an answer to our questions and that’s when the truth starts coming out for the first time from her.

“Okay stop, Minho, you’re not my soulmate. I was just using you because I wanted the fame and wanted to have more status at school. Also, I was jealous of the bond you had with Y/N so I wanted to take that away from you and have it all to myself. I didn’t know how to do it but I found that pretending to be your soulmate was the way to have my plans to go the way I wanted them too.” Seoyun confesses with no remorse on her face. She looks at the man beside me with love in her eyes  and quickly glances back at me “But now, since I found my true soulmate, I don’t need you anymore”. Her final sentences create so much emotion in my body that I didn’t know how to react. The man beside me could tell that things were settling in my mind and I was going to take action for her faults, so he reacted by holding me back before things went down. 

“I can’t believe you did this to me and Y/N! Because of your selfiness, she’s in the hospital hurt and suffering because of you and your selfish gain. You have a soulmate now and you know the consequences that come with it if you reject him. If you rejected him, he would be in the hospital right now contemplating whether he wanted his emotions removed, but no, you found a way to use me and find your true soulmate. But guess what? That’s what Y/N is going through right now because of your bullshit! You hurt me and Y/N, I hope you understand the problems you’ve caused!” I start screaming at her while thrashing around in the man’s grip. I look back at the man holding me to see some pain and regret in his eyes for the things his soulmate has done to two innocent people who were minding their own businesses. 

I jump out of the man’s hold and start making my way out of the house. Before I leave, I look back and say, “Seoyun, I hope you understand what you’ve done and let’s say things that you had in your plan will be crumbling down when I see you in school again.” With that, I walk out of the house and start making my way to the hospital to start fixing things with Y/N. I take out my phone and start looking through my contact list. “Chan, I’m on the way to the hospital. I broke up with Seoyun and found out the truth behind my relationship with her. Now, I need to fix my friendship with Y/N before it’s all too late.” 

Y/N’s POV 

Jennie manages to find a nurse who comes to help calm down my coughing fit and keep things in place for the time being. After she helps with my coughing fit, she starts to check my vitals to make sure everything is okay and to see if my condition is stable after what has happened. I looked at the nurse and asked her to bring my doctor in as I needed to talk to him about my decision. The nurse nods at my request and makes her way out of the room to find my doctor. After a while, the doctor makes their way into the room and takes a seat at the edge of my bed. 

“You called me in Y/N to discuss something?” The doctor asks. I look back up at him and say that I wanted to go through with the removal surgery. “Alright then, I’ll get the documents ready and we will go through with the surgery.” He touched my lower leg as a way of an understanding and support and made his way out of the room. I lay back on my bed and contemplate whether I have made the right choice. 

I heard a door swing open. I look up to see Chan and Jennie standing at the door catching their breaths. 

“Y/N please don't go through with the surgery please. It’s not worth it”. Chan and Jennie saying hoping to persuade me out of the decision I just made. “I can’t guys. I just told the doctors I wanted to go through with it. Plus, Minho is with Seoyun, I don’t have the power and strength to keep this up anymore. I need to get rid of the flowers in my chest even if it means no more romantic feelings.” I say as I look at the room around me too scared to look at them in the eyes.  “Y/N, Minho’s on the way to the hospital. You don’t have to do this. He said that he called it quits with Seoyun and wants to fix his friendship and build a relationship with you. He knows how much he fucked up and how blinded he was to not see that the love of his life was helping and aiding him the whole time and was right in front of him. He knows the whole soulmate thing by heart now and wants to make things right for you and him.” Chan says to me while making his way towards the bed. He takes my hand in his and looks me in the eyes and says, “Don’t go through with this surgery Y/N because now it will hurt the both of you.”  

I take my hand away from his grip and look at the both of them. 

“Sorry guys what’s done is done. I am going through this no matter what.” 

Minho’s POV 

After making it to the hospital, I get on the lift and make my way to Y/N floor. As the elevator doors open, I see a stretcher being taken away from a familiar room, and realize who was on that stretcher. “Y/N don’t please! I’ve come to make amends” I shout from the lift. As I shout, I see the doctors and nurse look back from the stretcher and point in my direction to show Y/N that someone was here for them. I see her head pop out from the strecther and lay right back down on it. I start running towards them and ask the doctors to give us a moment. The doctors agreed and walked away to allow us to settle some things. 

“Y/N I know I fucked up and I know I caused you so much pain without even realizing it, but I want things to work between us and restore the things we were supposed to do together as soulmates. I just broke up with Seoyun and found out the truth from her.  I know you might not forgive but please give me another chance so I can make it up to you. Please call off the surgery and let’s fix things together.” I begged while holding onto the handles of the stretcher. I feel a few tears running down my face as I try to hold in my sobs. I could help but feel like an asshole as I hurt the person that loved me more than anyone, and to see her goes through this surgery pains me even more. While sch thoughts are going through my mind, I feel a hand on my face wiping my tears away. I open my eyes to see Y/N with her arm out with a slight smile on her face. 

Before I could say anything to her, she spoke up. “Even after all the times we’ve been through together and even having those connecting thoughts or even finishing each other sentences, this took you a while to understand which makes me question if you’re really my soulmates.” She says while touching my face. She lets out a small giggle which warms my heart.

I take her hand in mind and I look straight into her eyes, “Y/N I know I’m in the wrong but I want to make things work between us even if it means damaging my health for you. We can make things work out and I finally understand that you’re the one for me. I’m sorry for what I’ve done. Please forgive me and call this surgery off. I’ll nurse and help you back into good health and fix things between us first, and you can decide our future together after that.” 

[jcs-writing-hell]

MDZS Writing Game

Thank you for requesting, dear anon! Feel free to send me more anytime. It's gonna be a bit angsty but that's normal because I wanted to keep it a canon-ish like moment and not an AU like one.

Tween WWX x MY | Theme: Nightmare/Crying/ in the rain

Word Count: 1896 Check out my MDZS Writing Game - Requests open anytime

It hadn't been long since her husband had went on one of his many trips, that didn't end up anywhere, in search for his friends son. Even though Ziyuan understood - she also hated it. She hated having to see her husband mourn, only able to cope with it as she made herself recall time and time again that Fengmian had also lost his best friend and the boy both of his parents.

She disliked Wei Ying's mother - it wouldn't even be a lie to say that Ziyuan had wished Cangse Sanren death on numerous occasions.. However, she had lived with Fengmian for a long time now, she had known Wei Changze for years herself. He was a good man - good and kind enough to reassure Ziyuan secretly many times that Fengmian truly loved her,.. that Cangse Sanren had been nothing but a teenage crush, that there was never anything between Cangse Sanren and Fengmian. It wasn't even that she didn't believe Wei Changze, it was simply the first time that she had fallen in love and it went against her character so much to fall for a man she had been "forced" to marry. The fact that she did had already weakened her mentally, which only strengthened her furious side due to insecurities any women would have if her man would treat another women the way he should be treating her.

It was only with endless times of recalling all of that that Ziyuan was able to cope with the boy that was barely hanging onto life - Because on this last trip, she had told her husband not to go on, he had found Wei Ying. Maybe it was her fate after all to never be able to forget about the foolishness of falling for a man she could've just been married to as a business as well. She hadn't wanted her husband to lose himself in case he would find the boy, that she strongly believed held far more meaning for him than "He's the son of my friends", dead.

Wei Ying was in fact not far from death. He was thin, sick, barely conscious with quite the fever. It was hard to watch, even for Ziyuan - only due to the boy looking more like his father.

Like Ziyuan's mental state, the weather also began to go out of control. Fengmian was at the boys bed all the time, her daughter accepting the child fully while her little A-Cheng feared for the spot in his father's heart, already in an age way younger than when she had been forced to first feel this way.

It wasn't really storming outside their residence, yet it was pouring with rain. Fengmian had already gone to sleep, for the first time in days, and after hours of staring at her husband in an desperate attempt to finally kill the emotions that drowned her on the inside.. Yu Ziyuan left their - at the time still shared - bedroom. She wanted to drink, just to get away from it all.. yet as she walked through the halls and passed by a window, she faintly heard the crying of a child. It wasn't one of hers, even if she was cold and detached, she knew how her children sounded as they cried - she was a mother after all.

Going back, she got her purple cape before returning and stepping outside. It didn't take long until she could hear the first words, the voice of the child still unfamiliar as the boy called for his mom and dad. Walking around a tree, surely enough.. It had to be Wei Ying. Why did the boy have to wake up, walk outside, and cry and be found from exactly her?

,,Why are you outside? Do you want to die?"

The harsh way in which Ziyuan said her words caused the traumatised child - barely older than A-Cheng - to flinch and curl up further into a ball. Gritting her teeth, she spoke again a moment later with a bit more of a gentle tone, her patience about to run out.

,,Come inside."

,,Who are you..? Where are my parents..?"

Ziyuan raised a brow. The boy had lived years alone by then, he should've gotten the hint that his parents weren't going to return. With how the rain was pouring, even with Wei Ying looking at her, she had to do the last thing on earth she wished to do to confirm her guess. Leaning down, she put a hand on the boys forehead. As thought, Wei Ying was burning, he must be trapped in between of reality and the past, or maybe even a nightmare, due to a fever induced hallucination.

,,I am a friend of your father. I'll help you, come inside."

It was the first and last time that Madam Yu would show both empathy and honest worry towards the boy. A mere natural reflex caused from having carried two children of her own. As Wei Ying stretched his thin, weak arms out to her, she then picked him up and carried him back to his bedroom. When she turned to try and retrieve a towel however, the boy followed her, even clung to her drenched cape.

For the next 15 minutes Wei Ying would repeatedly ask Ziyuan where his parents were.. She didn't reply until the crying child sat on his bed and she on a chair that Fengmian usually used beside it.

,,Your parents.. they will not come back."

,,They said they were going to come back the next morning.. I want to look for them.."

Once more Ziyuan was forced to touch the child as he jumped off of the bed and tried to get back outside. Catching him, she lifted Wei Ying up and put him, again more naturally, down on her lap. The boy fought back for a while, yet she didn't say anything - what was she supposed to say? "I'm sorry"? Should she keep telling the boy that his parents wouldn't come back?

,,Did you know? Your father grew up here.. This was his home."

Wei Ying's head tilted back instantly. He had fought himself even more strengthless than he had been before, yet his tired and broken young eyes were so wide open and full of interest. Yu Ziyuan felt relieved, for several reasons.

,,He did..?"

,,You won't remember, you were too young.. but the man sitting beside you was like a brother to your father. Jiang Fengmian, he wears the finest purple robes and is the most handsome man you will meet. He is kind,.. and so soft in character."

Ziyuan paused, she couldn't believe she had said those words out loud, yet she did and as Wei Ying began to wiggle around on her lap she continued to speak in a tone so different to her usual one.

,,A-Li, our daughter.. She wants to meet you, she is just like her father in character. A-Cheng, my dear little boy.. he looks so much like his father, yet he is more like me."

,,I.. I remember.. not much, but a bit.."

The boys expression faltered somewhat, the faces and voices of his parents as blurry as most that he wished to be able to remember about his early childhood even as an adult.

,,Your parents must've told you.. Your father really cherished us. Yunmeng Jiang was his home. Even though your parents won't come back, Lotus Pier.. is your home, just like it was that of your father."

,,Lotus.. The flower!"

Wei Ying blurted out in a break Ziyuan took and for a moment she couldn't help but smile a little.

,,Making the impossible possible.. like a lotus that will always return and grow, no matter how dirty and muddy it's surrounding water might be.. That's how you have to be. Be a good friend, a hold and protection to A-Cheng, like your father was for Fengmian.. You can do that, you have the Jiang Sects blood, your father's blood, running in your veins. Yunmeng Jiang was the home of your father, it can turn into yours as well."

Somewhere in between of the last part of Ziyuan's speech Wei Ying had fallen asleep. He had sank against her chest, his breathing for once soft and steady. For a few minutes Ziyuan stayed still, or more tense and stiff, before she lifted her hand and gently put it on the back of the boys head. Her words barely above a whisper, one of her many secrets that she also had with her own two children - she was caring, but always when no one would notice the "weakness".

,,The Lotus Pier of Yunmeng Jiang is your home. It has always been a part of you, it will always be.. Never forget that, Wei Ying."

-

It was another horrible twist in Madam Yu's fate as around two days later Wei Ying woke up. His fever was gone, he looked so much more full of life - as if he had found a new meaning or purpose for the duration of it.. Yet no matter how often their paths crossed, the boy clung onto anyone and anything but her. He must've forgotten, due to the high fever he had had. Yu Ziyuan didn't forget, yet she also never talked about that again. Nor about how she had put the boy to bed, remained by his side for hours before leaving as she knew someone would be awake soon and able to spot her. She never forgot, which was why, even if she came to dislike the boy even more, why even though there were so many terrible things he caused.. Each time he made A-Cheng or A-Li laugh, each time he protected any of them, she knew that even if Wei Ying didn't remember - a subconscious part of him did and that was all that mattered. That was why, even as she knew she was walking into her death, she had entrusted one of the worst memories of her life with the safety of all of her treasures: A-Cheng, A-Li and her home Lotus Pier of Yunmeng Jiang.

It was the truth that Wei Ying had forgotten the conversation and all the moments.. But there were things he couldn't forget, deep rooted feelings he couldn't find the source for. That Yunmeng Jiang was his home, why the sect motto was so important to him, why he would've done anything for his two adoptive siblings, why Fengmian's character was so clear to him from the start. Why he never felt truly scared of Madam Yu,.. but more than anything, even as he was already married to Lan Wangji for years, Wei Ying knew and felt it so deep within him that his home - his true place to be, a connection he would never be able to let go off even in a million rebirths was the Lotus Pier of Yunmeng Jiang.

[xtrashmammalstefx]

Jesus (A Deacury Fluff/ Smut)

Part 9 of The Queen Repertoire

Warnings: Language, smut

Notes: This will contain same sex love and overall homosexual/ lgbtq+  themes. If you don’t like that well... tough titties! Go follow another blog, nobody cares!

I've always been a reserved kind of man. People made me nervous, stemming from my childhood when the lads at school would give me shit about my size and stature; I've always been rather small and slender compared to most.

As I got older music became more and more of a  beacon of hope for me. Every time I picked up my bass guitar and started plucking at the strings I felt a weight lift and suddenly felt I could breathe easier. It was almost as though my guitar kept telling my anxiety to fuck right off back to hell, the bloody demon.

When I went away to London for school my anxiety grew worse but I managed as best I could. I tried venturing out at night and at one point wound up at a local disco. It is there I met my first real friend; a blonde haired drunkard named Roger. Trying my best to be friendly I answered every question he asked and when I mentioned I played bass he grew wide eyed ( a feat I didn't think was possible since his eyes were naturally big and round, as though he were a blue eyed cherub). He then asked me if I would be willing to audition for his band. I figured what have I to lose? Besides it would make music an even bigger part of my life which meant my bloody demons could stay away longer.

So we arranged a day, time, and a place.

The following week I went to Imperial College and made my way to the lecture room where the band was holding the auditions. I was shaking horribly. The annoying voice in my head that was always with me kept whispering at me. And as I got closer the voice grew louder. You're rubbish mate. They'll probably have a listen and tell you they'll call you but instead leave you hanging. Or worse they'll tell you you're garbage and tell you not to let the door hit you in arse on the way out.

It. Was. Maddening!

By the time I was a couple feet from the door the voice was screaming at me. My breathing was rapid and I felt like I would break. I used to have panic attacks when I was a kid and it had been years since the last one. I knew the feeling though and knew I had to stop and sit down before I faint. I leaned against the wall and slid down until I was seated on the floor.

I was working on trying to slow my breath and silencing that bloody voice when suddenly there were a pair of legs standing in front of me. I followed them up to the most beautiful being I had ever seen. The man had long dark hair, tan skin, a bone structure that seemed to have been carved by  Michelangelo himself, and he peered down at me with dark concerned eyes.

“Are you alright there, darling?” he asked. My breathing was still a little fast and ragged but not as bad as before.

“I-It's nothing I haven't dealt with before,” I said.

He nodded but continued to look at me worried. “Are you here for the audition?” I nodded. “And is it that that's caused this?” He motioned at me. I nodded again. He sighed and brought his hand to my cheek. “Darling, no matter what happens today I doubt it'll be anything compared to the pain of regret you will have if you decided not to go in there and shine. I promise you everyone in there is family, and won't tree you as anything less.”

My breathing finally slowed to a normal rhythm. The voice was rendered silent and I felt a great amount of peace. “Who are you?”

He smiled. “Freddie Mercury, darling,” he said. “Or at least I will be.” He held his hand out to me. “Now are you ready to change your life? Or did you want to stay out here and let your life pass you by?”

I breathed a sigh of relief and placed my hand in his. I picked up my bass and followed him inside.

“You're late,” said a tall lad sitting at one of the desks.

“Just doing a good deed Bri, no need to get snippy at me,” Freddie said taking his place among Bri and Roger. In introduced myself to Freddie and Bri and took my bass out. I played some songs from my former band and gave them my all. Freddie was the one who welcomed me into the band, once they'd deliberated. “You're playing is brilliant and your dance moves are definitely what this band needs.”

I smiled and hugged the shit out of the man.

We played a few gigs at the local pub and eventually decided we wanted to record an album. That album led to a record deal, which led to a tour, which led to more records, and eventually the whole world knew our name.

As time passed my feelings for Freddie grew. They continued to grow until I felt something that at the time was seen as vile among the assholes of the world; something a lot of people had to keep under wraps for fear of being killed. I was in love with him.

Sure he had Mary, the love of his life, and I had Ronnie but no matter how hard I tried there was no stopping it.

Then one night it happened.

We were a few days away from starting on our fifth record. I was married and a father. More importantly I was happy, and the voice that had taunted me that day all those years ago had never returned. We just finished another tour and were taking a week long break to relax before getting back to the studio. Two days into the break Ronnie got a call from her mum saying that her father was ill, so she took the baby and went to see him for a few days.

I was home alone the following night when there was a knock on the door. I went to answer it and found Freddie in tears. “Fred...what?”

“Mary left me,” he cried.

“Oh dear,” I sighed and moved aside to let him in. I closed the door and escorted him to the sitting room, sitting him down on the sofa. “What happened?”

Not going to lie. The lads and I knew there was something going on between him and Mary for quite some time now but we didn't want to pry.

“I-If I tell you something will you promise not to hate me?” Freddie said, almost begging.

“I could never hate you Fred,” I said. “I promise.”

He sniffed back a few tears and took a deep breath. “I-I'm gay Deaky.”

He looked at me expectantly but honestly... I had a feeling he was...we all did. For years we had believed that Fred was special, and would just come out when he was ready. Besides who am I to judge? I, a closeted bi-sexual in love with a man who just came out as gay. “D-Did you know?” he asked when I said nothing.

“I had a feeling,” I said. “Doesn't change how I feel about you though. I love you Fred...I'll always love you.”

Freddie broke down crying again and I wrapped my arms around him. I held him and let him sob, all the while cooing him and trying my best to sooth him. I kissed the tops of his head, tears now leaving my own face. Very slowly and nervously I brought my lips down to his cheek. Freddie froze at this.

“W-What are you doing?” he asked. I brought my hand to his cheek.

“You saved my life once,” I said. “And ever since then I've looked at you and seen an angel. Eventually I found out that not only do you exist but that one can indeed fall in love with an angel.” His eyes grew wide. “I love you Fred.”

I kissed his cheek again.

“I'm so in love with you it bloody hurt to think you might never really be mine,” I brushed my nose with his. “You're the love of my life Fred...and I'd rather die than go another day without saying so and doing this.”

I crashed my lips to his.

At first he didn't do anything. Just sat there frozen but then I felt him wrap his arms around me and he kissed back.

After a while we pulled back. “I love you too, Deaky.”

I smiled at that and stood up holding out my hand. He took it and I led him upstairs to the guest room. Once inside I brought my lips back to his and led him to the bed. I'd never done it with a man but I always imagined it feeling just as brilliant.

Once the clothes were gone we took turns. We kissed and touched. He would be inside me for a while and then I would be inside of him. Eventually, we both moaned loudly and released.

Sweaty and breathless we laid there holding one another. “So what happens now?” Fred asked. “I don't exactly want this...well I mean I do want this but...you know how the world will see it.”

“Fuck the world,” I said.

“And what about Ronnie and the baby?” Freddie asked. “I-I don't want to hurt them. I love them both too much to ever...”

“Ronnie already knows how I feel about you,” I said. “She's known for a while now but still loves me nonetheless and refuses to leave me to be killed by the press like a common criminal. I told her it was okay that she needn't stay and pretend. But she said she loved me, and I honestly love her and the baby.”

“So you'll stay with them then,” Freddie said. “I won't have it any other way. Freddie Mercury does not break families. Not now, not ever.”

“Then I guess this will have to be enough,” I said peppering his face and lips with kisses. “You, and me...together...for as long as we both shall live.”

“I do love having a romantic getaway every now and then,” he smiled.

We laughed and got to having another round. Then as we laid there peacefully being pulled into sleep I thought back to an old song of ours and how in a way those words were true, for us at least.

Then came a man before His feet he fell Unclean said the leper and rang his bell Felt the palm of a hand touch his head Go now go now you're a new man instead

I was indeed a new man after meeting Fred, a changed man, a better man. And I know that no matter what may come he will always be a part of me.

Taglist: @okaykathryn​ @fairestkillerqueenofall​ @onceuponadetectivedemigod​ @boherahpsody​ @thebohemianpenguin​ @ihatethespacebars​ @madsthegroupie​ @freddie-bulsara-queen​ @rose-de-jaune​ @xxkellsvixen19xx​ @valeriecarolinaw​ @5sos-wdw​ @hearttshapeddboxx​ @spicyarreagaa​ @fluffffffffffff​ @pleasingiswhatweaimfor​ @hatemylifesofuckingmuch​ @jollyavacado​ @painandpleasure86​ @haileynicoleseavey17​ @queenlover1997​ @rrogerrz​ @peachyywine​ @mrsmazzello​ @hannafuckingsucks​ @zwiezraczek​ @night-writer-writer​ @theborhapboysawakenedmywhatever​ @tinywildeace​

[sketchguk]

Couldn't you write your smut without touching people's religion? If it wasn't Christianity you would disrespect like that but another religions the whole tumblr would be jumping on that. The hypocrisy.

I’m so sorry my response is so long, but I think it’s important we discuss!!

Hey! My main purpose of TKAA wasn’t to disrespect anyone :( I’m incredibly sorry if it came across that way. It’s a self indulgent fic, I realize, but when writing this, I wanted the themes to reflect my own personal struggle with religion. And as the author, I’m writing a fictional story from my experience. I wanted to write about the struggles of growing up in a religious household. I come from a Buddhist background, but I also spent some time in church and in youth group. I even read the Bible as a child because sometimes, it’d be the only reading material I’d have around as my dad has a ton of books about both Buddhism and Christianity in the house. I’d pray almost every night because it just felt right, even if I had nothing to pray for. Sometimes I’d have chats with God before bed because it was a way for me to relieve stress. To talk about things I can’t tell anyone else in hopes of some miracle.

Some people might say, “Oh? She goes to church? She prays? She reads the holy scripture? Well I guess she’s Christian.” And I sort of believed that for a while too. For the longest time, even I denounced pre-marital sex. From a young age, I had this idea drilled into my head that I’d have a giant scarlet red letter etched onto me if I were to ever indulge in lustful sin. I wanted to wear a white dress at my wedding, and if I had sex, I’d be forced to wear a cream one instead, and everyone would know. Virginity is such a social construct btw, nobody would know if you are a virgin just by looking at you. And I soon learned that being Christian isn’t just about the practice of the act. It’s about the principles and the foundations of being a good person. Maybe I figured that out when my pastor was forced to leave the church for cheating on his wife. It was such a shock to me, and it really made me rethink to put my faith elsewhere. If I couldn’t look up to the person who was guiding me, who could I trust?

What it means to be a Christian is different for everyone. There’s a lot more to religion that I’m probably not aware of, and I know I’m not the most educated person in regards to Christianity, I fully acknowledge this. But this story is based off of how it felt for me to teeter between a mindset of my own, and one that’s crafted for me by the adults around me.

Today, I’ve come to learn that sex is a very healthy activity so long it’s done safely. And that’s all that matters to me when people come to tell me about their endeavors. I’m not a judgmental person who’s fixated on the fact that “You’re supposed to be religious, so you should be punished for this. How could you possibly turn against your faith??” This might even apply to other religions as well, but I’m not the most educated in the matter. There are definitely irl cases in which my friends, who come from all different walks of life, experience the “falling” of faith as a child, an adolescent, and even in our adult life, I see it all the time. And a few of these cases stem from being put into the church, or the temple, or the synagogue as a child without choice. My parents took me to the temple, and they took me to church at the very beginning because I wasn’t allowed to stay home by myself. And therefore, I was exposed to religion without fully knowing what it meant to me. But when I grew older, I was allowed to make my own choices. So I stopped going to both places of worship.

I’m not trying to make this all about me though. I imagine this is a bit of a universal feeling. Maybe not everyone has experienced it, and maybe not everyone is religious. But maybe the thought of “what does religion mean to me?” has come across our minds. This is not about me “losing” my faith now that I’m an adult. It’s more of a rediscovery of how I see religion and how I choose to identify with it.

I identify as an agnostic atheist. My views on pre-marital sex have shifted since then. Perhaps this is a TMI because nobody asked about me in particular, but this is how I view pre-marital sex now (and by no means do you have to agree). I still think sex is a very sacred thing, but it’s something that I would want to partake in with someone I love and trust. With someone who is special to me, and whom I know I will not regret doing it with, even if I’m not married. And the characters of TKAA, although it may not be explicit, they’re also young adults who were birthed from a house of religion. The conflict of the story revolves around them sneaking around OC’s parents because they know it’s “inherently wrong” to do it. But just like me, and other young adults around the world, they’re figuring out how sex fits into a lifestyle like theirs, one in which they’re heavily involved in a faith that stigmatizes sex. They’re childhood friends, and even if they’ve never admitted it to one another, they’re very much in love.

Also, I’d like to mention that this story is based off of Fall Out Boy’s song “The Kids Aren’t Alright.” I love this song with all my heart because it resonates with me. For me, it’s a song for when I’m quite literally not feeling alright. It’s a song that tells me it’s okay to be down, to be hurt, and I don’t have to pretend. Most people might turn to religion, but for me, I seek solace in my best friend and in my partner. When the world is against me, including religion and my own mindset towards it, I can go to them for comfort. And that was the plan for the TKAA couple.

I mentioned from the very beginning that this story would be risqué because I would have expected criticism! It’s a sore subject, and it’s not meant for everyone. But it’s a story I wanted to tell because it was meant for me and everyone else who struggles. I mean no disrespect with this story towards Christianity or towards any other religion. And maybe there’s some truth to what you have to say. I’m not sure how the Tumblr community would react if this was written about another religion. I think they ought to keep in mind that this is just fanfiction.

Obviously I didn’t know that this fic would head anywhere. It was the 3rd fanfic I had ever written and published in my life. I literally fulfilled a request for a fwb!jk in 4 days. But I wanted the story to be meaningful to me, so that’s why I divulged into a religious theme. I got praise about the smut and I feel like that’s what most people got lost in. I would have too, but behind the story, there’s substance to it that not everyone realizes :( and maybe I should have done a better job at portraying it, please forgive me for that. I obviously couldn’t fit all that I wanted to in merely 10k words. But I want readers to interpret the story for themselves and to draw their own conclusions. To have discussions about this because it’s helpful to me and to the community to air out how they feel. You don’t always have to agree with my POV, but stories are a great way to make real life connections, even if this is fictional.

And let me tell ya, TKAA is a work of fiction with real life problems that I, the author, have faced.

Please let me know if I didn’t address anything :( maybe I missed the point lol sorry but this was basically my purpose for writing TKAA. The public perception of it isn’t in my control when my intentions were to write for me, as all of my writing is. Some users have asked that I write a sequel, but I have no idea honestly. I don’t even know how I could go about that. If anything, I think a prequel would be more appropriate in which I discuss all of these thoughts. And I really don’t mean to come across as offensive or hypocritical, that’s the furthest thing I want to do, but I can’t express how sorry I am if I did.

[tacitwhisky]

Jon / Sansa Reread - Bran I, AGOT

In which Bran sees an execution, talks to Jon, talks to Ned, and then finds some direwolves.

I always love when other people do rereads, so I’m trying my hand at it, with a focus on Jon and Sansa and how Martin writes them. This is essentially fanfic research, and for that it’s always best to go back to the original source.

So if this is a Jon and Sansa reread why am I starting with a Bran chapter? Because while on the surface Bran I is about Bran, it’s also equally about introducing the male side of the Starks and so has a lot of valuable insight into Jon’s character. It’s also one of my favorite chapters in the series for just how sparse and laconic Martin’s style is throughout.

The morning had dawned clear and cold, with a crispness that hinted at the end of summer. They set forth at daybreak to see a man beheaded, twenty in all, and Bran rode among them, nervous with excitement. This was the first time he had been deemed old enough to go with his lord father and his brothers to see the king’s justice done. It was the ninth year of summer, and the seventh of Bran’s life.

This is such a great hook to open a chapter and the book as a whole with and ticks a lot of important boxes in just a paragraph: the setting, Bran’s age and state of mind, and a good hook. Who is being beheaded? Why is he being beheaded? Why is a child going to go see it? As a writer you almost always want to have an underlying tension or question that the reader wants answered to drive them forwards.

Bran’s bastard brother Jon Snow moved closer. “Keep the pony well in hand,” he whispered. “And don’t look away. Father will know if you do.”

It’s interesting Martin has Jon play the role of older brother here rather than Robb. Despite his half-brother bastard status Jon is clearly close with Bran, as we’ll see later when he visits Bran’s bedside after he falls. He doesn’t coddle Bran though; partly this is to emphasize the Stark coldness, but also I think it’s an insight into Jon’s character.

There’s a recurring thread through these early chapters that Jon doesn’t have quite the same leeway as the true born Starks in Winterfell. He’s probably especially sensitive to disappointing Ned. After all, his existence at all is already an embarrassment and spot on Ned’s honor.

Bran’s father sat solemnly on his horse, long brown hair stirring in the wind. His closely trimmed beard was shot with white, making him look older than his thirty-five years. He had a grim cast to his grey eyes this day, and he seemed not at all the man who would sit before the fire in the evening and talk softly of the age of heroes and the children of the forest. He had taken off Father’s face, Bran thought, and donned the face of Lord Stark of Winterfell.

As Ned’s son Jon does exactly this in ADWD when he has to don his own Lord Commander face. While in this chapter we don’t get to see into Ned’s head, in ASOS and ADWD we’ll see just how much it costs Jon to maintain the cold Lord Stark persona both personally and politically when he makes Gilly touch the fire and give up her child, or forces Sam to travel south, or demands child hostages from the Wildlings to cross the Wall.

Jon’s cold practically is an aspect of his character that doesn’t really get explored much in fanfic, or even really included at all. There’s a couple reasons for it, I think. First, even if they have read the books, the show’s presentation of Jon tends to be what sticks in most people’s heads, and the show has definite habit of softening and whitewashing Jon’s character so he can be the Hero, not to mention Kit Harington’s constantly plaintive look.

Second, I think a lot of fic writers prefer to have Sansa be the cold hard one (which is also a show invention, but we’ll get into that later) paired with Jon as the emotionally softer one. Which is fair. I love that contrast and dynamic. But I do wish we got a little more examination and exploration of the parallels between how they both got to their Stark face and how they interact now.

The head bounced off a thick root and rolled. It came up near Greyjoy’s feet. Theon was a lean, dark youth of nineteen who found everything amusing. He laughed, put his boot on the head, and kicked it away. “Ass,” Jon muttered, low enough so Greyjoy did not hear. He put a hand on Bran’s shoulder, and Bran looked over at his bastard brother. “You did well,” Jon told him solemnly. Jon was fourteen, an old hand at justice.

Just in case you were wondering if Theon was a terrible person or not.

“The deserter died bravely,” Robb said. He was big and broad and growing every day, with his mother’s coloring, the fair skin, red-brown hair, and blue eyes of the Tullys of Riverrun. “He had courage, at the least.”

“No,” Jon Snow said quietly. “It was not courage. This one was dead of fear. You could see it in his eyes, Stark.” Jon’s eyes were a grey so dark they seemed almost black, but there was little they did not see. He was of an age with Robb, but they did not look alike. Jon was slender where Robb was muscular, dark where Robb was fair, graceful and quick where his half brother was strong and fast.

Jon calling Robb “Stark” here is interesting for a couple reasons. Partly this is just Martin trying to set up really quickly for the reader Jon’s bastard status; even Arya, who Jon is closest to, will in her inner narration call him her half-brother quite a bit. But it also signals a kind of a acknowledged formal space between Jon and the other Starklings, even if it’s one they’re used to.

Robb was not impressed. “The Others take his eyes,” he swore. “He died well. Race you to the bridge?”

“Done,” Jon said, kicking his horse forward. Robb cursed and followed, and they galloped off down the trail, Robb laughing and hooting, Jon silent and intent. The hooves of their horses kicked up showers of snow as they went.

There’s a really chilling kind of casualness to the older boys’ reaction to the execution. Even Jon who treats it more seriously than Theon is still able to shift modes easily. Part of this I think is just early installment weirdness, but it also nicely shoves the reader into the medieval mindset of westeros in a way that the show never quite achieves. Though it’s underrated, the underlying medieval mindset is one of the key differences between books and show and causes havoc in later seasons as the showrunners have to adjust and soften character to make them more palatable to a modern audience while not changing the underlying actions themselves. It creates a sort of cognitive dissonance and some of the themes logical coherence slip through the crack.

The contrast between Robb laughing and Jon silent and intent is a great character detail. Robb isn’t taking this as seriously as Jon, because Jon takes everything seriously. He has to. It’s another way his bastard status influences his personality. Robb can lose and he’ll still be lord of Winterfell one day. Jon? Not so much. So this is how Jon treats everything in his life: seriously. It’s a also a bit of a childhood and teenager thing.

Bran thought about it. “Can a man still be brave if he’s afraid?”

“That is the only time a man can be brave,” his father told him.

This is one of the clearest articulations of Martin’s ethos and the theme in all of his work, but especially ASOIAF, of existential heroism. When we talk about Jon as a hero, it’s that which makes him one in the end, not the magical sword or rags to riches; when it comes down to it he does the right thing no matter how much it costs him personally (ASOS) or materially (ADWD). It’s also one of the themes the show completely misses, instead espousing that being honorable makes you stupid.

His lord father smiled. “Old Nan has been telling you stories again. In truth, the man was an oathbreaker, a deserter from the Night’s Watch. No man is more dangerous. The deserter knows his life is forfeit if he is taken, so he will not flinch from any crime, no matter how vile. But you mistake me. The question was not why the man had to die, but why I must do it.”

Bran had no answer for that. “King Robert has a headsman,” he said, uncertainly.

“He does,” his father admitted. “As did the Targaryen kings before him. Yet our way is the older way. The blood of the First Men still flows in the veins of the Starks, and we hold to the belief that the man who passes the sentence should swing the sword. If you would take a man’s life, you owe it to him to look into his eyes and hear his final words. And if you cannot bear to do that, then perhaps the man does not deserve to die.”

“One day, Bran, you will be Robb’s bannerman, holding a keep of your own for your brother and your king, and justice will fall to you. When that day comes, you must take no pleasure in the task, but neither must you look away. A ruler who hides behind paid executioners soon forgets what death is.”

This has been explored more and better in other meta, but the Starks and the north in general has a far more personal view of justice and governing than the south. This isn’t to say it’s better, but it is different. Later as Lord Commander we’ll see just how much of that ethos Jon picked up from Ned: in beheading Janos Slynt, in the mission creep at Hardhome, and in his failure to really use his institutional power to make changes to the Night’s Watch. There’s a strong sense of personal responsibility and connections in northern governance.

Half-buried in bloodstained snow, a huge dark shape slumped in death. Ice had formed in its shaggy grey fur, and the faint smell of corruption clung to it like a woman’s perfume. Bran glimpsed blind eyes crawling with maggots, a wide mouth full of yellowed teeth. But it was the size of it that made him gasp. It was bigger than his pony, twice the size of the largest hound in his father’s kennel.

“It’s no freak,” Jon said calmly. “That’s a direwolf. They grow larger than the other kind.”

Theon Greyjoy said, “There’s not been a direwolf sighted south of the Wall in two hundred years.”

“I see one now,” Jon replied.

Notice how calm is Jon with Theon here. It’s a bit of a cheap shot at Theon to make us like Jon more as a character, but is also very in line with his character. Very rarely even in later books does Jon react emotionally to things (with a few exceptions like when he tries to murder Alliser Thorne); he tends not to from a place of emotion and almost always takes time to think things through. The reason for this is Jon is calm because he has to be. It’s a result of his marginalized status in the Stark household. There’s no leeway in his bastard position for emotional outbursts: Catelyn isn’t going to put up with that shit, and he’s already enough of an embarrassment to Ned just by existing.

While we don’t ever really get much thought from either Jon or Theon about their relationship with each other, their interaction in this chapter is I think indicative of it as a whole; slightly adversarial and only cordial because of their mutual friendship with Robb. Theon as a whole is a really interesting foil to Jon; irreverent where Jon is serious, emotional where Jon is calm, dismissive where Jon is willing to learn about others.

They both have outsider status in the Stark household, but instead of bonding, Theon is significantly closer to Robb. While Jon does have privilege, Theon has more (he is the Greyjoy heir after all) and more importantly, has internalized it far more. It makes sense that aside from just personality differences Theon would think himself above Jon and be drawn to Robb as a source of privilege.

“Born with the dead,” another man put in. “Worse luck.”

“No matter,” said Hullen. “They be dead soon enough too.”

Bran gave a wordless cry of dismay.

“The sooner the better,” Theon Greyjoy agreed. He drew his sword. “Give the beast here, Bran.”

In case you had any doubt Theon is in fact the worst, here we have him enthusiastically ready to commit puppy murder.

“Lord Stark,” Jon said. It was strange to hear him call Father that, so formal. Bran looked at him with desperate hope. “There are five pups,” he told Father. “Three male, two female.”

“What of it, Jon?”

“You have five trueborn children,” Jon said. “Three sons, two daughters. The direwolf is the sigil of your House. Your children were meant to have these pups, my lord.”

Bran saw his father’s face change, saw the other men exchange glances. He loved Jon with all his heart at that moment. Even at seven, Bran understood what his brother had done. The count had come right only because Jon had omitted himself. He had included the girls, included even Rickon, the baby, but not the bastard who bore the surname Snow, the name that custom decreed be given to all those in the north unlucky enough to be born with no name of their own.

Their father understood as well. “You want no pup for yourself, Jon?” he asked softly.

“The direwolf graces the banners of House Stark,” Jon pointed out. “I am no Stark, Father.”

I don’t have a lot to say about this passage, but it’s a good example of Jon choosing to do the right thing despite how it won’t benefit him and also show just how much he loves his siblings that he’s willing to do this for them.

Halfway across the bridge, Jon pulled up suddenly.

“What is it, Jon?” their lord father asked.

“Can’t you hear it?”

Bran could hear the wind in the trees, the clatter of their hooves on the ironwood planks, the whimpering of his hungry pup, but Jon was listening to something else.

“There,” Jon said. He swung his horse around and galloped back across the bridge. They watched him dismount where the direwolf lay dead in the snow, watched him kneel. A moment later he was riding back to them, smiling.

“He must have crawled away from the others,” Jon said.

“Or been driven away,” their father said, looking at the sixth pup. His fur was white, where the rest of the litter was grey. His eyes were as red as the blood of the ragged man who had died that morning. Bran thought it curious that this pup alone would have opened his eyes while the others were still blind.

This is such a powerful moment to me. Remember that of all the direwolves Ghost never growls or howls or makes any sound at all. And yet Jon hears him somehow. Even though we just met Jon we understand by this point just how left out Jon feels, and here he has a creature that wants him, needs him, loves him. Later when Jon makes the decision to refuse Stannis’ offer of legitimization we’ll see just how much Ghost means to him.

(I’m not bitter about how the show forgets about Ghost and all the direwolves for long periods. Really. It’s fine. I’m fine. It’s fine. It’s fine. It’s fine. I’m fine. It’s fine.)

“An albino,” Theon Greyjoy said with wry amusement. “This one will die even faster than the others.”

Jon Snow gave his father’s ward a long, chilling look. “I think not, Greyjoy,” he said. “This one belongs to me.”

“I think not, Greyjoy” is low-key my favorite line of the series as a whole, and I hate that they cut it from the show. Instead Theon says Ghost is the run of the litter and Jon gives Theon a look that’s neither long nor chilling and actually feels more like he’s slightly annoyed that Theon is right. It goes back to the difference of how the show softens Jon and casts him more as the reluctant and slightly dense Hero instead of sharp and smart and slightly vicious at times.

That’s largely it for Bran I. Overall it’s a really great insight into Jon’s character and his place in the Stark household while also setting up character threads later chapters will pick up. Speaking of, next up will be Jon I, in which Jon gets drunk and talks with Tyrion. I’m aiming to try and get one of these rereads out a week, so subscribe @tacitwhisky if you’re interested.

Next Chapter (Jon I)

[robininthelabyrinth]

Fic: Nocturne (11/30) - Ao3 Link

Fandom: Final Fantasy XV Pairings: Mostly Gen (variety later to come)

Summary: In which Cor Leonis loses his temper, accidentally acquires a kid, and tries to single-handedly dismantle the Lucian immigration system – and that’s before he and his lawyers find out about this Prophecy business. If the Astrals think Cor’s going to let his kid’s best friend die without a fight, they’ve gotten the wrong cheetah ‘taur.

(a young adult novel set in @kickingshoes’ ‘taur AU)

—————————————————————————————— ——————————————————————————————

Galadh is just as Clarus remembers it: a positive riot of color and sound.

Each house is painted in startlingly bright tones with different colors for the windows and doors and sometimes - often, really - having twisty, almost flowery designs painted as further decor, and buskers and street-sellers line virtually every street to sing out their wares or play an instrument. Even the people follow the same theme: with the exception of those in black mourning, the clothing they wear is bright and cheerful and noisy, their hair worn long and woven through with beads and feathers and braids. Even the Hunters here find that greens and yellows work better to blend with the wild jungles deeper in the islands than the dark browns and blacks preferred on the mainland.

And there are birds everywhere.

Colorful birds, loud birds, talking birds, birds perched on rooftops and on trees growing in the center of the sidewalk and on parked cars and bikes and even some birds sitting casually on people's heads as they sit at the cafés, speaking as much with their gestures as with their words.

And that's not to mention the monkeys. Just casually there, sitting on garbage cans and chowing down the way raccoons or squirrels do on the mainland, or at least did before the Starscourge started to reduce their numbers and turn them into mutated creatures out of nightmare.

Ah, Galadh. Nowhere quite like it, in Clarus’ view.

Interestingly, despite Galahd's long history as undisputed Lucian territory, the population here tends towards canidaetaur rather than felidaetaur, with inlanders generally being woodland creatures, like wolves and foxes, while beachsiders are often creatures that enjoy water, like bears and beavers and jaguars - though of course the population here, like everywhere else in Lucis, is growing increasingly mixed and diverse over time.

And, of course, let Clarus not forget to mention the food – the heavy scent of spice in the air, peppers and chilis and other mysterious spices that are hot enough to burn even people from Leide, who pride themselves on their spicy peppers, right alongside the stalls filled to the brim with freshly-caught fish or unusual fruit brought down from the jungles.

Clarus must admit that he enjoys Galahd's determined fondness of food and their resulting appreciation for heavier figures. He knows the tendency probably stems from the famines that still sporadically strike the islands whenever more severe hurricanes than the usual yearly fare batter them, but – as a tiger with, shall we say, not as much time to exercise as much as he probably should – he still appreciates it.

Oh, yes, and there’s the hurricanes.

Can't forget those.

That is, of course, the part of Galadh that Clarus doesn’t like, particularly as midsummer marks the onset of the rainy season, or more accurately the rain-and-storm season: Leviathan’s blessing, Ramuh’s curse, as the islanders liked to joke.

Galadh, wild child of the sea and storm.

Poetic, really.

At least their passage here was pretty quiet, thanks be to Leviathan – the Tidemother is generally blissfully calm for the period right around midsummer, her favorite day of the year – and they arrive without any large fanfare, just as planned.

The poor Harbormaster who came to collect their papers had something of a bad moment when he saw his King and Queen holding the paperwork with polite smiles that only barely covered how amusing they found this whole situation. It was rather funny, but, more importantly, it allowed them to disembark with remarkable swiftness and without all the ridiculous pomp that usually accompanies pre-announced royal visits - speeches and surprise presentations by local choirs and bands and whatnot. Always extremely charming, always extremely irritating to a traveler who just came rather a long way and just wants to take a nap.

Of course, no matter how quickly they managed their arrival, there still managed to be just enough time for Regis to be swamped by the (very surprised) local Galahdian politicos, but Regis is an old hand at these sort of events: he and Aulea are very effectively glad-handing them with the goal of putting them off their scent and reassuring them that there's no reason to be concerned. By all rights, Clarus ought to be helping with that, but instead he’s with Scientia, watching the children run around acquainting themselves with the harbor town – something he prefers by far.

The children, at least, are having a positive blast.

They're all keeping quite busy – Gladio looking through the stalls selling bright clothing and beads and jewelry made of shells, Ignis staring enraptured as one of the street vendors efficiently butchers and then sizzles up a giant shrimp in a medley of spices, Noctis and Prompto leaping over each other and rolling around in the sand of the beach...even Luna seems to have escaped her usual reticence, looking around her with a broad smile.

"Hey, pretty lady!" a local girl around Luna's age, holding a basket of brightly colored flowers with more flowers woven into her hair like a crown, calls out to her. "Buy a flower for your hair?"

Luna turns to look. "Oh, they're lovely!" she exclaims, clapping her hands together and trotting over to look closer.

The local girl – a maned fox 'taur, if Clarus is getting his more obscure species right – gapes at her. "Oh, wow," she says. "You've got the daintiest hooves I've ever seen."

Luna blushes.

Clarus is reminded, suddenly, of the first time Luna met Cindy, back in Hammerhead – her eyes going as wide as saucers and her cheeks going pink as the normally precociously self-possessed girl stuttered over a basic introduction – and he smiles. A pity, really, that the Glaciad is so far away at the tail end of winter – it looks like Luna will have her hands full of people she might want to ask to join her for that romantic festival's traditional joint cup of hot cocoa.

"Thank you," Luna is saying. "I love your legs, too – they're so long and graceful –"

"Oh, you don't have to say that –"

"No, really!"

Now both girls are blushing. Clarus pretends to inspect a vase, enjoying the little childhood romance unfolding in front of him – it's like something out of A Springtime's Stroll, the paperback romance novel he's currently reading. Cyrella thinks he's ridiculous for enjoying them, but Gladio certainly enjoys them as well when Clarus reads them aloud to him – he’s currently very invested in the resolution of the ongoing love quadrangle...

"Would you like a flower, then?" the girl blurts out, clearly desperate to get back onto some sort of even footing. "For your hair?"

"Oh, yes, I'd love one," and here Luna falters and glances down at the ground, "but I’m afraid I don't know how to put them in my hair."

"Oh," the local girl says. "Well – if you like – I can show you..?"

Oh, smooth, smooth! Clarus thinks admiringly. Well done, Luna!

(He is particularly amused by the idea that Lady Lunafreya, born amongst the beautiful blue sylleblossoms of Tenebrae, might find anything to do with flowers difficult.)

"I couldn't possibly bother you while you're at work –"

"No, no, I was just about to go out on break – my name's Crowe, by the way –"

"And I'm Luna. Do you mind if we go to the shade somewhere? It's only that I'm not used to it being so bright – it's my first visit to Galadh –"

"No wonder, what with you being so pale. Sure, come with me – you know, if this is your first visit here, I could show you to a nice ice cream parlor – the best one on the islands - my parents run it, it's just down the block –"

Luna glances briefly at Clarus, who nods his approval. "If it's just down the block, I don't see the issue. Keep your phone on," he advises. "I'll tell Scientia."

The two girls beam and run off.

Clarus is barely able to restrain himself from laughing at how efficiently Luna secured herself a date, even though he suspects that neither girl is entirely certain of what it is – after all, Crowe can't be much older than twelve to Luna's eleven. Ah, kitten love! Or puppy love, in little Crowe's case, and fawn love, in Luna's.

Oh, he wishes that Cyrella was here for him to share the joke! If only that damn doctor hadn't absolutely forbidden her from sea travel...

Ah, well.

He goes over to Scientia, who has her nose buried in a book that's half the size of his torso. "Luna –" he starts.

"Has run off with that Crowe girl to the ice cream shop, yes, I overheard," Scientia says, not looking up from her book. "They'll be back shortly – I saw it as we passed earlier; there's no room in there for them to sit. We should plan our next steps after that."

"Technically, the Hydread isn't until tomorrow, on midsummer itself; it’s only the Eve," Clarus offers. Luckily, he's already gotten used to the way Scientia's mind is already five steps ahead of everyone else's – he's learned to take it as a compliment that she doesn’t feel the need to explain herself to him. When she's in court, or dealing with people she thinks are slow, she suddenly becomes remarkably clear and straightforward and just a touch judgmental. It's a bit frightening, not least of all because Ignis does the same thing – and Clarus suspects that Gladio and the other boys are starting to pick up on it. They’re going to be terrors, each and every one of them. "We could spend the day doing tourist things, instead."

"What a marvelous idea," Regis says, limping up towards Clarus – no worse than usual, Clarus is pleased to note. He's managed to lose his Galahdian escort, probably by fobbing them off by promising to go to some fancy dinner later, and leaving it in their hands to prepare something suitable to his rank. "I don't think I've ever gone tourist-ing. What's there to do?"

"There are several famous landmarks," Scientia says dryly.

"No, thanks," Aulea says, following Regis closely. "Those we'll see by necessity when they want Regis – or I – or Noctis – to appear at all of them to wave at the local populace."

"Probably true," Clarus agrees ruefully. The price of being royalty...

"We could go to the beach and sun ourselves," Cor suggests. He looks rather fond of the idea. He would be, the overgrown kitten.

"Beach!" Noctis shouts. "We want beach!"

"Yeah! Beach!" Prompto joins in.

"No, thank you," Ignis says, wrinkling his nose fastidiously. "I don't want sand in my fur, thanks."

"The sand's somewhat inevitable everywhere you go in the beachside," the girl from earlier, Crowe, says. She and Luna have indeed returned, holding ice creams in one hand and holding each other's hands with the other.

Clarus is going to die of cuteness overload, he just knows it.

"Sorry, kid," she says apologetically to Ignis. She clearly hasn’t recognized any of them, which clearly pleases Regus immensely. It won’t last, of course, but it is nice to go a little incognito for a change, and Regis is clearly relishing every moment of it. “It really does get everywhere.”

"Is there anywhere we can go that won't have sand, then?" Ignis asks with a sigh. "I assume going inland would be too burdensome..?"

"Sadly, yes," Aulea says. "We need to be here tomorrow for the Hydread ceremony. Besides, I rather like the sound of sand."

"Well, there's always the caves," Crowe offers hesitantly, Luna squeezing her hand supportively.

"The caves?" Regis asks.

"Oh, they're lovely," Crowe says effusively. "They're technically inland, but they're right by the waterside, not far at all. No one ever goes to them in the summer, since they're lots prettier in the winter, but you can't come to Galahd and not see the Caves of Wind and Wave."

"Are those the ones with the cave paintings?" Scientia asks, even putting down her book – a major achievement. "I've heard good things."

"That's where the old ceremonies to raise Leviathan used to be held," Luna murmurs, leading the adults to glance at each other meaningfully.

"I could do caves," Gladio says, glancing at Ignis. "Caves are cool. They're spooky."

"I don't want to do spooky, though," Noctis pouts. "I want to go to the beach."

"Well, how about we split up?" Regis offers, smiling. Clarus likes the look on him: he looks years younger, and lighter. He's needed a vacation for far too long. This isn't a real vacation of course – they're here for the Covenant with Leviathan – but it's just close enough to one for it to already have good effects. "I'm rather interested in these caves myself – Aulea, Cor, why don't you take Noctis and Prompto to the beach, while the rest of us go look at these caves?"

"Really, no one goes in the summer," Crowe says hastily, clearly embarrassed now that they're taking her up on her suggestion. "The tides are high, you know – you can't really get the full impact of it –"

"The paintings are still supposed to be visible, even in the summer," Scientia says crisply. "We'll take our chances, I think. Will you show us the way to go?"

People do not generally say no when Scientia asks something of them. Crowe does not do so now.

Clarus arches an eyebrow at Regis. He knows his old friend well enough: this little splitting up isn't really about preferring the caves to the beach. It's about Luna's statement – that this might be where they need to go for the Covenant – and the fact that Regis wants to check it out first before letting Noctis anywhere near.

Regis smiles back, utterly unashamed of being seen through.

"Fine," Cor says. "You take three-fourths of the guard."

"What? No. Half, at most. Someone needs to watch over Noctis."

"Two-thirds. I’m watching over Noctis."

"Fine."

"Guard?" Crowe echoes with a frown.

"Don't worry about it," Luna says with a bright smile. "Can you show us the way?"

"Sure," Crowe says, smiling helplessly back, utterly distracted. "Come with me."

"Have fun at your beach," Clarus tells Cor with a grin. Cor rolls his eyes back.

Cor and Aulea head off towards the beach with Noctis and Prompto, while Regis, Clarus, and Scientia take Gladio and Ignis and follow Crowe, with Luna in tow close beside her, on a much less crowded trail inland. Their Crownsguard escort drifts along with them, quiet and unobtrusive.

It's a pleasant walk – somewhat steep, but nothing they can't handle, especially at the slow strolling pace they've adopted – for the first half-hour.

Then they discover that the main road to the caves is apparently closed for repair.

"Damn," Regis says mildly, frowning at the roadblock with its large and very unhelpful sign. "Guess we'll have to go back."

"Nah," Crowe says dismissively. "We can go in the other end, if you don't mind walking single file."

"We don't," Scientia says. "Other end?"

"Yeah," Crowe says. "It's not really an official entrance, but all the local kids go through that way. Cuts down on the line. And you end up on the Oracle's platform, the ancient one, which is pretty cool."

Clarus frowns. He's not sure this is a good idea –

"Excellent," Regis says. "Let's go."

Clarus sighs faintly. The vacation business is clearly going to Regis' head.

Still, Crowe is starting to stride down a much smaller dirt path and Regis is following, not to mention Ignis leaping along the rocky road like – well, like an excited goat kid. So there's clearly no choice but to go onwards.

It's another half-hour, this time padding along increasingly small and shabby roads before they get to the cave entrance. Still, that's more due to their slow pace – Gladio and Ignis keep dashing off to look at flowers or plants or even small animals – than the distance, even if the last portion of the descent towards the cave is, in fact, such a narrow path that going down single-file is the only way to proceed.

Crowe seems to have belatedly realized that she's guiding around some moderately important people (it was probably the Crownsguard's presence becoming increasingly less subtle as they left town and trees behind and forcing them to go out in the open despite their best attempts to remain subtle) and has been spending the last few minutes attempting to downplay the loveliness of the caves she spent the first half of the trip boasting about.

"– really, it's summer, so you won't get the full effect, like I said," she's saying, somewhat desperately. "The light's all wrong, you know, and the water level's pretty high, so you don't really get a sense of scale – there's a reason people don't ever come here in the summer –"

"I'm sure it'll be fine," Luna says, not for the first time.

"I mean, the cave paintings, they're there, sure, but we're coming in at the weird end, you know, since the other road broke down, so I don't know exactly how many we'll be able to see –"

"I'm sure it will be fine," Scientia says sternly.

Crowe shuts her mouth with a small peep.

Clarus and Regis share amused looks. It's rather nice not being the intimidating one of the group, for once.

Unfortunately, Crowe's nervousness is such that even Scientia's implacable force of will can only stop her for a while. "It's just that I wanted to say it up front," she murmurs as she pushes aside the vines growing on the cave wall to reveal a battered old door so well hidden that even the Crownsguard that preceded her couldn't find it, and stepping straight though before they could stop her and insist that they go first, "so that you won't be disappointed when...wait, hold up, what in Leviathan's name is –?"

Clarus, who slipped in second – he's the King's Shield, he doesn't need a Crownsguard escort to go gawk at some cave walls – puts his hand firmly over Crowe's mouth.

"Say nothing," he murmurs into her ear, his eyes fixed at the sight over her shoulder, even as the rest of their party filters in through the door.

The caves are lovely – as huge as promised, with the famous blue-and-green sheen – but Clarus has no time for that.

The caves which no one visits during the summer, the caves with the main road to them marked as being under repair –

The caves are not empty.

"What is that?" Scientia asks, keeping her voice as low as possible. She's picked up Ignis and covered his mouth with her hand; Gladio stands by her side, looking with increasing alarm at the grave-faced adults around him, but luckily he's had enough training to know that it’s time to go quiet.

"That," Regis says grimly, his voice low, "is a Niflheim airship."

"No," Clarus corrects quietly, looking at the gigantic ships wrought in black metal, with glowing red windows – it's not one ship; it's two, no, three massive airships, each one of them a fleet ship capable of holding multiple attack ships filled with MT soldiers or the carrier ships which Niflheim traditionally fills with daemons to help terrify the local populace after the initial conquest, and next to those behemoth ships there are also a number of smaller sea-ships equipped with tows designed to pull the airships into and out of the caves. "That is an invasion force."

Crowe starts struggling in shock for a moment, but then it fades and Clarus feels comfortable releasing her. "Invasion," she whispers, pasty-faced with terror. "Of Galahd? But..."

She trails off.

Clarus knows what she meant to say. Galahd's long history as undisputed Lucian territory is primarily for two reasons: one, sea-averse Niflheim wasn't particularly interested in a territory that dealt with yearly hurricanes that ranged unpredictably from 'problematic' to 'devastating', and two –

Two, whether they came by air or by sea, the isolated Galahd would see them coming.

But that didn't apply if they were already here.

They must have started smuggling the ships here piece-by-piece the very second the tourist season ended and built them up in Galadh itself.

"What are the forces available on Galahd?" Regis asks, quietly but forcefully – the relaxed father on vacation gone and replaced by the King of Lucis. The ring on his finger is glowing faintly, only noticeable because of the gloomy darkness of the caves.

"Not enough, your Majesty," Clarus answers, knowing what Regis really wants to know. "Not to resist a force of this size. The Galahd Coast Guard is formidable, but it will be utterly overwhelmed. We could call up reinforcements from Insomnia Port, but their warships will take hours to equip, and then more to get here – particularly since they'll need to keep some back to protect the Port itself."

"Still, a few hours will surely be enough –" Scientia starts.

Clarus cuts her off with a firm shake of his head. "They were probably originally planning on attacking during the notoriously calm weather of the Hydread tomorrow," he says, his sharp eyes fixed on a platform on one of the airships furthest away from them and closest to the supposedly "closed" main road to the caves. He recognizes one of the figures there, one of the Burgomasters of the port town in which they landed. He was part of the party greeting Regis and Aulea with vaguely panicked expressions earlier, except evidently his panic wasn't because he need to find a way to host the royal family in a suitable manner. "It would've been a massacre, all those people unarmed and celebrating, Insomnia Port all cluttered up with the paper ships for the holiday and slow to respond...if they kept to that original schedule, we’d be able to summon help in time.”

“You don’t think they will?”

“No. They weren't expecting the King of Lucis to arrive with a squadron of Crownsguard, and it's thrown off all their plans, since they don’t know why we came. Regardless, the reason doesn’t really matter: whether we’ve come to try to fight back against them, or whether it’s an accident that gives them an opportunity to strike at the royal family and shatter Lucian morale, they know they need to move quickly, before back-up arrives. They'll be attacking now, instead."

Even as he watches, the first of the great airships creakily begins to cast off, the ropes and chains holding it in place by the dock starting to fall loose, one by one.

"My parents –" Crowe croaks.

"Scientia," Regis says, taking control. There's that tone in his voice, the one that draws the eye irresistibly towards him - that deep, almost-growl that precedes the roar of the lion. There can be no doubt in anyone's mind, now, that the King of Lucis is speaking. "I need you to take the children back up the path as quickly and quietly as possible. When you get back to an area with cell service, immediately inform my wife and Cor of what is happening, then alert Insomnia Port. The local town must be evacuated at once, with their Coast Guard and every able-bodied member of the militia – or who's willing to try to fight – told to expect invasion. The Crownsguard will go with you to assist with preparations."

He turns to Crowe. "Do not despair. This is Galahd, and you, its children, are born of the sea and storm," he says to her, and her back goes straight, her head lifting higher under his regard. "You will not fall so easily before Niflheim's might, and I swear to you that Lucis will not stand aside and let it happen. Are your people trained in civilian evacuations?"

"Oh, yes," Crowe says eagerly. "We're all trained – but the alarm is only meant to go off in the event of an unexpected tsunami –"

"You will go at once to activate that alarm," he says. "You may do so on my authority. Know that Insomnia Port will send what reinforcements it can as soon as it can."

"Will – do you think we’ll be able to hold them off, your Majesty?" she asks.

He puts his hand on her shoulder and looks her in the eye. "We will fight to defend your country," Regis Lucis Caelum vows, and no one who looked at him would doubt that he meant it with every fiber of his being. "Whatever we can do to ensure that Galahd does not fall, we will do. But even should it fall in the end, know that Niflheim will pay for the privilege in a river of blood."

Crowe's eyes are shining. If she survives, Clarus would wager that Cor will have another new recruit for the Crownsguard in a handful of years. She nods and goes without another word.

Scientia lingers a moment longer after Crowe has left running at full speed. "Your Majesty," she says.

Regis looks at her.

"There is – another thing," she says, uncharacteristically hesitant. "That we could do. Perhaps. To make the odds a little less – overwhelming."

"At this point, all suggestions are very welcome," Clarus says wryly. "We're facing a force that's likely four times the size of the existing military power on this island, assuming Niflheim hasn't changed their typical approach to invasion. Every little bit might help."

"More than a little bit," Scientia says, and her habitual impassive calm has settled over her once more – her hesitation before was merely uncertainty as to the extent of their need, Clarus realizes, and now that he has confirmed the direness of the situation, she has put aside all doubt. "Let me remind you that we stand now at the Oracle's platform, where once, long ago, they called upon the sleeping Leviathan."

They all stare at her, Clarus and Regis and even the head of the Crownsguard escorting them, a sturdy 'taur named Riyad. Her meaning is quite clear.

Scientia turns to Luna, who has very nearly been her adopted daughter this last year and who she loves dearly, and yet her voice is calm and certain when she asks, "Can you do it?"

Luna swallows, and nods. "If I had the Trident –"

"The royal Armiger," Clarus says, looking at Regis. "It's only a shadow of the real Trident, of course; the real one is in Sylvia's care, but it might do the trick regardless. And if Leviathan rises –"

"Then the raging sea will come with her," Regis finishes. The Tidemother rather famously does not enjoy having her slumber disturbed. "I see the mission I sent Crowe on was more accurate than I realized - there may indeed yet be a tsunami here today."

Luna stands up straight – only eleven years old, dressed in a white frock selected more to be appropriate for the beach than for formal ceremonies, but with steel in her eyes. Sylvia's steel, but Scientia's, too. "I will do it," she says. Her voice brooks no disagreement – not any of theirs, nor even of Leviathan herself. "With or without the true Trident. I will summon Leviathan."

"You will, and you will do it well," Scientia says, and Luna's back, somehow, goes even straighter with pride. "Two instructions: do not die, and return safely to us when you are done. Come along, Ignis, Gladio."

"But –" Gladio starts to protest, looking at Clarus. "Dad –"

"I need you to go, Gladio," Clarus says firmly, fixing the image of his son in his mind. He prays this will not be the last time they see each other alive, but he knows all too well the risks of war. He’s always known. "I am needed here, to guard my King and Luna, but I need you to go to the town to help with the evacuation, to help save lives. You are an Amicitia, my son: a Shield. This is what we do. Go now."

Gladio's lower lip is trembling, but he nods firmly. This time, when Scientia begins to move, he goes with her without complaint.

Clarus watches them until they disappear up along the face of the cliff, then turns back to his King – and his Oracle.

"Let us begin," Regis says, and summons the Armiger.

Cor ends the call on his cell phone.

Aulea, standing beside him and listening to Scientia's report from the second he realized what it was, looks grim. "What do we do now?" she asks, her eyes fixed on the surf where Noctis and Prompto are still leaping over each other, splashing and rolling in the wet sand like the excitable kittens (well, kitten and puppy) that they've barely outgrown being.

"Scientia reports that Crowe has gone up ahead, so the evacuation alarm should sound any minute now," Cor says. "Everyone will go inland, I assume; we'll join them. Once I see you and the children are safe, I will go help with the resistance efforts."

"There's nothing else..?"

"The priority is keeping Noctis and Prompto safe," Cor says firmly. He knows he should add that Noctis' safety is especially important now, given the Prophecy, but he can't bring himself to do so – it's true, of course, but he can't voice anything that would suggest that if Aulea finds herself in a terrible position of being only able to rescue one child, she ought to pick her own, the Chosen King, future savior of the world, instead of...

Instead of his own.

Aulea puts a hand on his shoulder. She understands, without words, what he means. "I will look after them both," she promises, grabbing her bag and tossing him the sword he brought, because he always has at least one sword even for supposedly innocent trips to the beach. And to think Clarus was teasing him for being paranoid! “Remember, should the worst come to worst, I can in times of dire need call on Regis' shadow Armiger, too, and I'm pretty handy with that bow."

"You always were the cleverest," Cor tells her, but he's unable to laugh at his own joke, so it comes out sincere. "Come on, let's get them."

Neither Noctis nor Prompto particularly wants to stop playing, but one look at the faces of their guardians puts an end to their complaints.

The alarm begins to ring.

Alarms, plural, would be more accurate – blaring sounds start coming from all directions, and flags colored red suddenly unfurling from the tops of all the highest buildings.

"Tsunami!" someone shouts.

"On the Hydread?" someone else exclaims disbelievingly.

But, disbelief of no disbelief, they all start moving inland. The people of Galahd do not play games with the sea, Cor is pleased to see.

The noise of all the beachgoers abandoning their bags and towels and picnic baskets and trudging up towards the town, and the safer high ground of the inland beyond, is very nearly deafening, but Cor's ears have been trained since childhood to hear and identify sounds even through the roar of the battlefield. That talent has saved his life more than once.

He identifies such a sound now.

"Aulea, stop," he orders, and she does, clutching both children's hands in hers and pulling them in closer as Cor draws his sword, turning just in time to deflect the dagger thrown at their backs.

They look like regular Galahdians, out for a day on the beach – loose clothing, one of them even shirtless – but they move like soldiers, and there are weapons in their hands, pulled out of baskets and sun-umbrella poles.

Niflheim trained, Cor determines, even as he darts forward to attack those nearest to him. If Scientia's report of Clarus' prediction of an attack expected tomorrow is right, and he has no reason to doubt it, these people would have been mingling with the crowd for days to ensure that they looked familiar to the others, safe, and then they would call out for people to follow them, and people would have done so – and only once they had led them somewhere out of sight would the swords and the guns come out –

They're good, these infiltrators. They have to be to do their jobs – to go alone into enemy territory to murder panicked and unarmed civilians who might try to fight back is not a job for the weak or the untrained – but, at the same time, they're infiltrators. They're disposable; they have to be, to be sent ahead into such danger.

They're not that good.

Cor kills the first three before they've taken another step, and the next two after that before they've even fully finished drawing their weapons.

But there are more still coming.

Many more.

Cor lifts his sword in a ready stance, his mind calm and clear. Niflheim’s forces have identified them, then; this many infiltrators all blowing their covers, all at once, can mean nothing else. They have been given new orders – to get these particular targets – that supersede all others.

Good.

That means none of them will be left to murder innocent civilians in the retreat.

Aulea has put Noctis and Prompto behind her, producing a gun from her beach-bag.

Cor’s trained on sand before, and he doesn’t let the uncertain surface slow him down, even as the ‘taurs rushing him trip and fall as they try to pounce. He ducks and darts between them, rearing back on his hind legs to rip at their bodies with his forelegs while he strikes at them with the sword in his hands. The daggers he rips free from their hands he throws back at the ones with guns, and he can hear Aulea start firing at them as well.

The crowd has started to run away from them now, leaving them alone on the beach – his Crownsguard are here, Basiana and Serio and Maero and Tristus and a bare handful more, and on his orders they form a protective ring around Aulea and the children – but the infiltrators are doing a good job separating them from the crowd.

And the sea has started churning.

“Leviathan is rising!” Aulea shouts, jerking her head towards the sea – it very effectively distracts the ‘taur Cor is fighting now, and Cor uses the opportunity to strike him down before glancing at the ocean.

The waves are coming hard now, large and choppy and frothing white at the tops as if a hurricane is approaching, and yet Cor is standing on the beach: there is no wind to explain the winds, and only a scattering of clouds in the sky.

Leviathan is, indeed, rising.

“MTs!” Maero bellows. “From above!”

Not good. Cor leaps ahead, cutting down two more infiltrators – he’s gotten most of them, now – but he sees what Maero saw: a drop ship, buzzing in from above. It’s been sent ahead from the fleet ship Scientia had reported seeing undock itself, no doubt in response to the infiltrators’ report that the Queen and Prince appeared to be (relatively) unprotected.

Cor glances towards to the town. The nearest Galahdian Coast Guard outpost – a lone station – has seen the oncoming threat, and the poor lone ‘taur that was manning it is screaming on his radios, shouting out orders and gesturing towards their little group, but back-up will clearly be some time in coming.

He gestures to Basiana and Serio – stay back, watch them – gestures for Maero and Tristus to back him, and he charges straight into the MTs as they land on the sand.

This is much harder – the infiltrators were more agile on the sand, having been trained for it, but the MTs are wearing full armor, and their unnaturally jerky movements sometimes make them harder to predict than standard fighters.

Niflheim MTs, soulless robots with armored metallic bodies shaped like a standard hound ‘taur, like machines but with the intelligence and reaction times of regular ‘taurs behind those empty glowing red eyes – Cor knows, from the information that he obtained from Justina’s laboratory, the monstrous way in which they are made, but it doesn’t matter to him now. It can’t matter now.

Now, all that matters is the fighting.

Cor has always known that one day he would come across a battle he would lose, and this one isn’t looking great. But he will not let them have Prompto or Noctis, even if it costs him his own life.

One MT – a gigantic axe-wielder – manages to get him with a nasty backhanded swing, forgoing the sharp side of the axe in favor of just walloping Cor on the side of the head, knocking him off his paws, but just as he’s lifting the axe to bring the sharp end down at Cor – Cor struggling to lift his sword in an attempt to at least deflect the blow –

The MT’s head gets blown off with a massive blast.

That’s not Aulea – she only has a pea-shooter, really – and none of his Crownsguard have a gun that powerful.

The Coast Guard...?

No.

There are ‘taurs charging out of the water, guns in their hands – two otters, a capybara holding the rifle that probably saved Cor's life, and even a frankly massive hippopotamus ‘taur dual wielding two-handed bastard swords, one in each hand. They’re not dressed like Coast Guard – in fact, Cor’s never seen the slick wet fabric they’re wearing before, something like waterproof neoprene that shimmers wet in the light.

“Queen Mother!” the capybara ‘taur calls out. “Bring the Chosen King here; we can keep him safe!”

Aulea starts, badly, and one of her shots goes wide.

Cor understands her concern – no one should know that Noctis is the Chosen King of Prophecy, because they haven’t told anyone – but he can see more drop ships in the distance, the gigantic fleet ship not far behind, and he doesn’t think they have a choice about who to trust right now.

He gestures to his Crownsguard – keep formation and advance – and calls to her, “Bring the children, Aulea! Quickly!”

She nods, putting her gun away, and snatches up both crying children from where they were hiding behind her.

They’re only six.

Cor’s eyes narrow in a burst of fury, and he takes advantage of the MTs trying to cope with this unexpected threat from an unexpected angle to throw a lightning bomb at them. He’s standing close enough to it that his fur goes on end, but the vast majority of them go down all at once, and between him, his Crownsguard and the otters from the sea, they’re able to kill the rest of them quickly.

“Quickly,” one of the otters says, glancing back at the ocean with concern. “The bubble won’t last that long at the surface.”

Cor doesn’t understand, but he runs towards the ocean, his Crownsguard at his heels, because Aulea is nearly there, coming up to the hippopotamus.

“Into the surf,” the hippopotamus ‘taur is bellowing. She’s a massive woman, with deep black skin and tight corkscrew curls that are already defying gravity despite the thrashing waves of water all around them. “Now!”

They follow her into the raging tide.

Prompto is crying, Cor can hear him, crying and howling; Noctis is wailing, a high hollow shriek; Aulea is shouting, desperate for answers; the waves are crashing around them, louder and louder and –

They all tumble forward into what Cor can only describe as - well, as a giant bubble.

The water is held back by the clear almost plastic-y sides of the bubble and the roar of the waves is muted. Perhaps most importantly, they seem to be breathing without difficulty. The capybara is at the front (Cor thinks) of the bubble, doing something on some sort of keypad, and the bubble begins to move forward, first simply away from the beach in a straight line and then, once they’ve gotten past the shallower waters of the beach, starting to turn down to head deeper into the waters.

“Woooooow,” Prompto – always inclined to look at the bright side of life – says, his tears drying up. He elbows Noctis. “Look, Noct! Fish!”

There are indeed many brightly-colored tropical fish around them.

“You should also look at the coral reef,” the hippopotamus ‘taur suggests kindly. “We’ll be passing that soon.”

Noctis sniffs a little, still not fully recovered. “Coral reef? I think Iggy was talking about that on the boat ride over…”

“Yeah, he was,” Prompto says. “He had that book – with all the colors! When will we see the reef, Ms. – uh, sorry, what’s your name?”

“I am Dido,” the hippopotamus ‘taur says. “The capybara is Bomilcar; the otters are Mago and Minthos.”

“My name’s Prompto Argentum,” Prompto says proudly. “That’s Cor Leonis – he’s my Cor – and this here’s Noct and that’s his mom, Aulea. And then there’s Basiana an’ Tristus an’ Maero an’ Serio an’ –”

“What sort of ship is this?” Basiana interrupts to ask, looking around. She hasn’t put her weapon down: good. They might be trusting these 'taurs, but there's a limit to any amount of trust. “I’ve never seen anything like this before – where did you get this tech?”

Aulea has different concerns. “Why did you call –” She hesitates a moment, since the other Crownsguard members are not necessarily in on the secret yet. “Why did you call Noctis what you called him?”

“Because he is, of course,” the capybara ‘taur – Bomilcar – says, relinquishing control of the bubble to one of the otters in a practiced hand-off. “We were sent by our King to yours, so as to offer our aid when you approach the Hydrean for the Contract. We are the closest land to the Tidemother’s domain, after all.”

“Your King?” Cor echoes, eyebrows arching. As far as he knows, there’s only one King – that of Lucis – while Niflheim has an Emperor, Tenebrae an Oracle, and Accordo a Secretary.

“Oh, yes,” Bomilcar says. “King Hasdrubal the Third – the King of Atlantioi.”

[not-am-anatiala]

Luke is Rey’s Father: Teenage Rebellion and How TLJ is About Growing Up

Let me see them. My parents. Please.

So, there’s been a number of articles written about The Last Jedi that seem to feel that certain aspects of the movie were unnecessary or not well portrayed. The Canto Bight plotline was superfluous. Kylo Ren has decided not to go with Rey, so he’s obviously the new Supreme Leader. Poe is a mansplaining douchebag that disrupts Vice Admiral Holdo’s plan, leads a mutiny, and causes deaths.

Although the answer to all those complaints could be the fact that failure is the theme of the day, I posit that along that thread of failure, there is also the theme of growing up, rebelling against parents (or parental figures), and the messiness inherent in attempting to find one’s place in the world, standing not as a child, but as an adult.

FINN

source; credit: @wreckitmaedhroslovesreylo

One might say that Finn has already gone through his teenage rebellion phase in TFA: leaving the First Order, the institution that raised him and instilled in him all their values. And one can argue that Finn is metaphorically older than Rey—asking her if she had a boyfriend on Jakku as opposed to Rey fiercely admonishing him when he holds her hand. But Finn doesn’t truly come into his own until TLJ. And who are his parental figures? Phasma and DJ.

Yes, DJ. The amoral codebreaker has an intimate scene with Finn, attempting to give some life advice that he feels might do the boy good. “It’s all a machine, partner,” the man says. “Live free, don’t join.”

Up until this point, Finn has been living on such a philosophy unknowingly. He was willing to ditch BB8 in TFA, asking Rey to run away with him to the Outer Rim to avoid the First Order. He attempts to desert the Resistance in the early scenes of TLJ, only being stopped by Rose. But he soon rebels against this philosophy. We see Finn tell DJ that he is wrong when he and Rose are captured by the First Order. We see him attack and kill(?) Phasma (the abusive mother figure in all this) and state his new found identity shortly afterwards: that he is not only scum, but rebel scum. The moment when we truly see him become an “adult” is when he decides not only to join the Resistance, but to attempt to give his life to it: his suicide run on the First Order’s canon. 

POE

source; credit: @missmargaretcarter

Poe’s teenage rebellion comes early in TLJ and lasts through most of the movie. It first starts off with him refusing to listen to Leia when she orders him to retreat and abandon his plan to take down the dreadnought. We see him basically being grounded, demoted from commander to captain, by Leia, his mother figure. But soon, his mother figure is out of the picture, and another older female figure, Vice Admiral, is in charge. He butts heads with her instantly, and decides to go behind her back with the Canto Bight plot. The climax of his rebellion is an actual rebellion: a mutiny against the older female authority figure, and ends with his “mother” stopping it. Leia instills a key lesson on the transport towards Crait, telling him that attempting to be a hero isn’t always the most important thing. His “adult” moment is when he orders the fighters to retreat, ruefully noting that their run on the cannon is a suicide mission. Young Poe would have kept up the attack, perhaps even attempted to take out the cannon himself. Adult Poe knows when it is time to fight and when it is time to run.

It’s your biggest weakness, looking for them everywhere. In Han Solo. Now in Skywalker.

REY

Rey’s path to adulthood is mixed largely with symbols of a journey to sexual maturity (of which reams and reams have been written), and a majority of her teenage rebellion is intertwined with Kylo’s. We start off with her encountering a reluctant father figure, Luke: an older man who she looks to for guidance, and one who has been scarred from failing to guide another (Kylo). The island is rife with feminine sexual symbols (again, which have been pointed out), but I don’t think anyone’s yet noticed that the first lesson is perhaps symbolic of her beginning on this path of maturity.

We see her in this moment of exploration, of the force, and of herself. She finds herself pulled to the dark side cave, that opening ringed with seaweed, which many have pointed out looks an awful like a vaginal opening. When she notes that she is being pulled towards this place, we see Luke begin to panic. He tells her to resist. He calls her name. He’s terrified, disturbed, much like any father would be seeing his daughter enter on that journey of sexual exploration. Meanwhile, we see rock crack (a mini-orgasm?), we come to the hole, and water shoots out of it, soaking Rey, and leaving her panting, her lips red and flushed. Sound familiar?

(masturbation. it’s her first time masturbating)

Meanwhile, Luke is aghast, saying that she didn’t even attempt to resist the call of the dark side. Again, a father’s disturbed attitude towards a daughter who is becoming a woman.

In addition, we have the ForceSkype sessions with Kylo (because how can a girl go on a journey to womanhood and sexual maturity without a partner?). We first see them communicate before her first lesson. Kylo is curious, Rey shocked and aggressive at the intrusion. But she doesn’t tell Luke what happens; she keeps it a secret, as any teenage girl might when faced with a boy that she finds both terrifying and intriguing. Later we see her talking with him again, losing her aggression and becoming confused—is she supposed to hate this man?  Or is she supposed to feel something else for him?—and Kylo wiping wetness that comes from her side of the bond from his face. The third bond is where we see Rey lose her belief in Luke. As any daughter knows, there comes a time when you realize that your dad isn’t the perfect, stand up guy you thought he was; he’s human, he’s done wrong. Learning that Luke might have attempted to kill Kylo in his sleep is Rey’s moment, and what pushes her towards going further in her exploration of her self, further along this journey of maturing. 

We see her go into the dark side cave, searching for answers about her parents. Her lack of answers pushes her to communicate with Kylo, in the hut. Rey and Kylo reach across light-years to touch hands. Luke, with unerring parental instinct, knows something is amiss on his island and barges in. Like any father, he’s horrified and furious at the tableau before him: his “daughter” caught in an intimate moment with a boy he doesn’t approve of. He tells her to leave his house…erm, island. She, having lost her faith in him, fights back, and asks for the truth. No more child-friendly black-and-white stories, she wants the fully nuanced adult version of what happened.

She asks him to be the man that she thought he was, but he can’t be that man to her anymore, and so she leaves to go find Kylo. Luke, hurt, decides to burn down the tree; when he can’t, Yoda comes up and does it for him. Then, just like an older man who has gone through a similar thing, Yoda gives him wisdom, essentially telling him that Rey is growing up, and that is just what parents have to go through.

Meanwhile, Rey goes and finds her new lover (Kylo), and they consummate the relationship in Snoke’s throne room. 

Unfortunately, they don’t see eye to eye, and thus they part. One can argue that her moment of adulthood is her refusal of Kylo’s proposal, another moment might be when she closes the door on Kylo at Crait. I think that the case might be that she has yet to have her adult moment, as she still seeks the advice of a mother figure, Leia, unsure and needing assurance.

KYLO (and a bit of HUX)

Kylo, like Finn, has an abusive parental figure: Snoke. His rebellion starts when he attempts to fight back against his “father’s” vicious admonitions. Like a boy who has been struck by his father, he doesn’t attack Snoke at that moment…he’s still a child and he still believes, in some part of him, that Snoke is too strong to be defeated. He instead destroys a symbol of his childhood, the mask that symbolizes his child-like worship of his grandfather, Vader. 

And much like a child, he is unable to see a world wherein his mother doesn’t exist, so he does not kill her. Lighting suggests that he feels something akin to sorrow/grief when he sees what he more than likely believes to be her death.

He further continues along his journey with Rey, curious to this new intimacy with a girl. He is vulnerable with her. He commiserates with her. He shows up in a state of half undress, and looks almost shy when he realizes that she is there. He gets her in trouble with her “father” (Luke). And, surprise, she comes to his house, and he has no choice but to bring her to his “father” (Snoke). He is compliant up until he realizes that Snoke has intruded where he shouldn’t have: this new found intimacy with Rey. Snoke claims that he created the bond, and you can see the fury in Kylo’s eyes when he hears this. It is at this moment that he realizes that Snoke doesn’t have his best interests at heart, indeed, he is laughing at him. So, as opposed to a childish rage, he calmly and carefully comes up with his plan to kill this father figure (who at the moment is waxing poetic of how well he knows his “son” and how his son cannot beat or betray him), and save Rey (his mate).

The battle happens (again, consummation), and he attempts to keep his mate by his side. She refuses, and we see him regress back to a child (essentially, all of Crait). His older “brother”, Hux, attempts to keep a reign on his emotionally volatile little brother (“don’t get distracted”, “do you think you got him?”), but he is unable to do so. We finally see Kylo, on his knees, the symbol of his actual father (Han), disappearing from his hands, another symbol of his father (the Millenium Falcon), carrying his mate and his mother (Rey and Leia) away from him. We are faced with someone not child, but not adult, on his knees after a landscape-scarring tantrum. Much like Rey, I don’t believe he has yet to have his moment of adulthood.

We are what they grow beyond. That is the true burden of all masters.

To wrap up, we have Finn and Poe as actualized adults. Finn has now committed himself to the Resistance and to protecting a loved one (Rose), growing beyond the lonely, selfish, abusive childhood that he was brought up with thanks to Phasma, and briefly, DJ. Poe has grown beyond a hot-headed flyboy to become the Resistance’s unofficial leader, taking over for Leia. He is no doubt going to be the one to live to a time where there is no need for a Resistance, as there will be nothing to resist against (growing beyond Leia). Rey has let down her hair from her childhood buns, has put on the gray outfit of a young woman, and will be growing beyond Luke, incorporating both the dark and the light into a new order of Jedi. Hux will no doubt attempt to usurp his little brother, Kylo, and take the helm of a First Order that is closer to wiping out the Resistance than it ever has been (surpassing Snoke). Whether Kylo will surpass his abusive adopted father’s evil, and his biological father’s instinct to run when the going gets tough, is yet to be seen.

[scrawnydutchman]

Why Nite Owl is the Best Character in ‘Watchmen’

Many art forms over the years have had difficulty finding the respect they deserve when they first start out. It’s only natural; new ideas tend to get the shaft by older generations afraid of change “corrupting the country” because apparently centuries of social and scientific innovation can be brought crumbling down by some little yellow cartoon kid saying “don’t have a cow, man”. Every form of artistic expression has had to battle censorship, unwarranted criticism and senseless conspiracy in their day, be it music, film, comedy, animation, video games. Even BOOKS were condemned as tools for evil by the earliest philosophers of human history.

“[Writing] will create forgetfulness in the learners’ souls, because they will not use their memories; they will trust to the external written characters and not remember of themselves.” - Socrates

Comic books are no different. Matter of fact, they might just be the most prominent example of this. They’ve been credited time and time again for influencing youth to a life of crime and ignorance, especially in probably the most infamous case of anti-comic book propaganda, Friedric Wertham’s The Seduction of the Innocent, which made such bombastic claims as suggesting Batman and Robin are encouraging the youth to engage in homosexual affairs (different time folks, different time. Fun fact though; that’s why Batgirl was invented, to give Batman a girlfriend for his time to dispute such claims).

*Though to be fair, when you read these hilarious panels out of context you can sort of see some brow-raising implications. This is why context matters.*

But the upside to the battles every medium faces is that eventually along will come a masterpiece that breaks the mold. A revolutionary bit of literary work that changes the way we look at the medium long after it premieres. When it comes to comic books, if you ever find somebody telling you it’s not real art or it’s just kid stuff, you tell them to read motherfucking WATCHMEN. Written by Alan Moore and illustrated by Dave Gibbons, Watchmen is a timelessly cryptic tale of washed up former heroes, godlike beings with humanity slipping away and debates on proper ethics, all under the tension of a cold war stricken America where everyone feels like they can die at any moment. The story has went on to be recognized as one of New York times 100 greatest novels in 2005, joining the ranks of Catcher in the Rye and Clockwork Orange. And it’s praise is rightfully earned. The compelling murder mystery, the growing tension between military forces, the intricate detail of an alternate history Cold War, the play on themes like science, religion, morality and nostalgia, all brought together through beautiful silver age inspired artwork and masterful frame composition that makes the reader feel like their watching a movie.

Of course, being such a classic in the comic book world, it has equally iconic characters, which are all very original (ironic since they’re all basically reskinned Charlton Comics characters invented by Steve Ditko). The most commonly favorited and analyzed among fans being Rorschach, the conspiracy buff ruthless vigilante who is the black-and-white moral compass (though he’s not nearly as black and white as people give him credit for, we’ll get to that in a bit), Dr. Manhattan, the all powerful allegory for both God AND the atom bomb who is ever so slowly losing his grip on his own humanity, and the Comedian, the nihilistic, alcoholic, sex offender soldier who sees life as a monstrous joke and dies not having the last laugh. Those characters are all well and good, but there is one character I’ve grown particularly fond of whom I don’t think gets enough recognition for just how fascinating his dilemma and growth is. That is of course Daniel Dreiberg, the every-man turned superhero Nite Owl.

In order to fully appreciate Nite Owl, we’ll need to recap some context from the story. I’ve already touched upon how one of the major themes of the story is Nostalgia. After all, nearly every character in this story is distraught about the oncoming terror of the Cold War getting hot and they all want to remember a simpler time when it was clear who the bad guy was and what to do about it. Nobody embodies this theme more then Dan Dreiberg. He’s had a passion for crime fighting since he was very young, so much so that he used his fathers inheritance to develop crime fighting gear and tech and took on the mantle of Nite Owl after the original, Hollis Mason, had long since retired. Many of the other characters only became heroes because they were thrown into their situations by one force or another, but Dan had a longing to be a problem solver who wanted to defend the innocent and uphold the law in the most fun and dramatic way possible. When he wore the goggles he felt like there was no problem too large for him to handle. He was hopeful and he was optimistic.

“No matter how black it got, when I looked through these goggles . . . everything was clear as day.” - Ch. 7, pg 9, panel 8-9

Of course, after the Keenes act passed which outlawed vigilante justice, Dan was forced to begrudgingly hang up the cape. His confidence and vigor was seemingly forever trapped down in his basement, collecting dust. He became overweight. He grew timid and insecure. He let Rorschach walk all over him and abuse their friendship when they used to be trusted partners. He lived on in denial of what he truly wanted. He loved Laurie Juspeczyk for years but never confessed it, and even when he had the chance to embrace Laurie in sex he felt impotent and out of place. The dire feeling of living without meaning haunted his every move, and he was tired of being held on into a life of mediocrity.

“It’s this war. The feeling that it’s unavoidable. It makes me feel so powerless. So impotent.” - Ch. 7, pg 19, panel 8-9

It’s only when he puts the mask back on and willingly breaks the law holding him down that he starts to feel happy again. He begins to smile, he feels more positive about what to do about the cold war hanging over his head and Rorschach’s mask killer conspiracy. He’s finally able to satisfy Laurie sexually, and he even starts standing up to Roschach for all the shit he puts him through.

“I feel so confident it’s like I’m on fire. And all the mask killers, all the wars in the world, they’re just cases--problems to solve” - Ch. 7, pg 28, panel 5

“Listen, I've had it! Who the hell do you think you are? You live off people while insulting them, nobody complains because they think you’re a goddamned lunatic . . . you know how hard it is, being your friend?” - Ch. 10, pg 16, panel 5

The reason why I appreciate this so much is because Nite Owl embodies why we love superheroes: because they ARE problem solvers. They DO take on larger then life challenges, and  they always find a way to put evil in it’s place. They enable us to have a more optimistic outlook and they prove that not only is doing the right thing possible, but it can be really fun too! Readers feel more empowered and enthusiastic when reading about the latest adventures of their heroes, because suddenly huge problems aren’t so scary anymore. It’s why comic books were so popular as anti Nazi and Japanese propaganda in WW2 and why superheroes skyrocketed in popularity throughout the decades of the cold war.

Nite Owl loves everything old fashioned. It’s why his childhood hero was the first Nite Owl Hollis Mason and why he spends so much of his time trapped in the past, always talking to Hollis about the old days and constantly visiting his basement to ponder them. He even demonstrates his longing for older times in extremely subtle ways, like his personal taste in music is all classic stuff and he’s out of touch on modern lingo.

“Oh well, mostly I’m into Billie Holiday, Nellie Lutcher, Louis Jordan . . . stuff like that.” - Ch. 7, pg 10, panel 3.

Generally speaking Dan’s dilemma in the story and his evolution as a character is a lot more underplayed and nuance then other character arcs, which I actually really appreciate. The book is fantastic, but I often felt like for other characters they basically just spell out their own character synopsis for the reader and leave little to the imagination. Rorschach and Dr. Manhattan especially had this issue in my opinion. Their character specific chapters didn’t rely very much on context clues or allowing the panels to tell the story (except for in certain instances), instead they basically just monologue to themselves on what they’re all about and why they do what they do. Plus as I stated briefly before I feel like Rorschach is a bit overrated, especially when they describe him as “seeing morality in black and white”. He’s made more then a few compromises and weird judgements in the story. There’s the more understandable example of when he refuses to beat the woman who made false assault allegations on him on tv because her kids were watching, but then there’s also the time where he describes the Comedians rape attempt on the first silk spectre as a “moral lapse”. Since when does the “black and white morality” character believe in moral lapses? Especially ones for topics as touchy as rape? pages later he breaks a guy in a bars set of fingers because the dude said he smelled bad behind his back. So let me get this straight: attempted rape is a moral lapse, but somebody saying you smell bad behind your back is punishable by finger breaking?? Seems to me Rorschach cares more about his reputation in the underworld then actually maintaining black and white morality. He even admits how much his reputation matters to him.

“Can’t. Serious Business. Slur on reputation.” - Ch. 10, pg 6, panel 5

But anyway, I've gone on enough tangents in this post. My point is that this graphic novel is phenomenal and a must-read for fans wanting to get into comic books or even literature in general. I just wanted to talk about an aspect not appreciated often enough, and how excellently it’s portrayed. There’s a reason Nite Owl is my favorite character and my favorite chapter is “A Brother to Dragons”. He articulates the theme of nostalgia perfectly and is a wonderful allegory for the reader and every man just trying to find an outlet for his problems. Plus he brings some much needed positivity and relief into an otherwise mercilessly dark and pessimistic book. It’s a shame Nite Owl all too often gets the shaft, even in his own story arc in the Before Watchmen series (which I have a bit of a distaste for because the artwork is way too layered in thick sketchy linework to be appealing and sometimes Rorschach just straight up hijacks the story). Hopefully this post will bring him some much deserved recognition.

[haydennation]

Man About Town Magazine Interview

He may have arrived on the major movie scene via the dark side playing the young Darth Vader, but as Hayden Christensen rolls out a varied and impressive line-up of roles-opposite a bevy of beautiful Hollywood starlets including Misha Barton in Virgin territory, Jessica Alba in Awake and Rachel Bilson in Jumper no less, it’s safe to say there’s a bright future ahead of this young Hollywood actor…even if he ends up as a farmer.

LCW: It’s 5pm on a Friday night. Where are you? HC: I’m in LA right now. LCW: Your latest film Jumper is all about teleportation, do you think there are pros and cons to be able to teleport yourself around? HC: Nothing but pros. LCW: Where would you want to go? HC: I’d be everywhere but if I had to pick one place to go first, probably back home to Toronto really quick. LCW: Do you think the novelty would wear off? HC: I don’t know if I’d ever lose the novelty of being able to teleport but it also depends on whether it’s just you or if everyone else can teleport too. LCW: would that be your special power? HC: Definitely. LCW: What did you think when you first hear the idea for the film? HC: The idea of teleportation appealed to me right away and I didn’t really need to think about it too much to get into it. Especially because I travel a lot, being able to cut out the need for transportation, cut out traffic, etc would be amazing. LCW: Do you like traveling? HC: I like ending up where I’m traveling to. The process of traveling itself isn’t that great. LCW: Where was the last place you went on holiday? HC: The Bahamas six weeks ago where I really got into free diving. LCW: Do you tend to go away in between films to recharge? HC: I tend to not stay in one place for that long or go away to the same place every time. I try to go back home as much as possible…home being Toronto. LCW: Do you ski or snowboard? HC: I do both. In fact I was born in British Columbia. LCW: What’s your favorite mountain? HC: I probably prefer [Whistler] Blackcomb. LCW; I heard you recently bought a farm north of Toronto, tell me more about that and how it’s going. HC: I got the farm about a year ago and just really turned my hand to it. Organic farming interests me. Although, so far I’ve only planted a small vegetable patch but I definitely want to get the pugs, cattle, and horses.

LCW: Do you have a big red barn? HC: No, but I’m building one where the old barn burnt down and using the foundations to build a new one. LCW: Is carpentry something you enjoy? HC: It’s a new endeavor and I’m not very good at it yet but I’m trying to figure it out. I’m learning new things and it’s a great challenge. It’s also really pleasurable. There’s throwing the dirt around, getting your hands dirty and watching things grow. But mostly, I have to admit, I’ve been collecting toys. LCW: What kind of toys? HC: Like big, big toys. LCW: I’m noticing a theme of dirt with you. HC: Yeah I like getting dirty. LCW: What does your toy collection include? HC: Right now I have a Bobcat, which is really cool, then there’s the dumper truck and the excavator, which is a big proper piece of equipment. LCW: Is it a John Deere? HC: No, it’s not, but it’s a big yellow monster and that’s the most important thing. LCW: Bobcats are quite small and can whiz around a lot, right? HC: Oh sure, they have a lot of different attachments and I love changing them. They have like, nine different attachments! It’s great fun, like, the best time ever. LCW: What are your thoughts on theatre? HC: I like the theatre. I just don’t go see it that much. Although I did a play and really liked it. LCW: Are you into music? HC: I’m very much into music. LCW: Who is in your top five favorite artists? HC: Bob Dylan. LCW; Have you always been a Dylan fan or did Factory Girl influence that? HC: No I’ve always been/ I’d say Nick Drake as well. Neil Young, definitely. And not to be giving friends the shameless plug, but Dhani Harrison-he’s George Harrison’s son, is excellent. LCW: What’s your favorite Dylan song? HC: I can’t just pick one of them. There’s too many. LCW; Do you play the guitar? HC: Very poorly. LCW: What about the harmonica? HC: Harmonica? Even worse. But I played the piano for a bit. LCW: Would you say you’re into fashion? HC: No, not really. I like to wear sweatpants and Wellingtons over fashion but you know there are certain things that catch my eye. LCW: What color are your Wellies? HC: I have black and grey ones. LCW: What was your worst fashion disaster or fashion phase? HC: Firstly, I think my fashion sense was awesome (sarcastically). When I was about six I was running around in parachute pants, like the MC Hammer ones, which some might consider to be a fashion mistake, but I loved them. LCW: What are the first three things you do in the morning? HC: I usually make myself a cup of tea. LCW: What kind of tea? HC: Breakfast tea. And then I go take a shower and get back into bed. It’s the best feeling ever to get back into bed after you’ve taken a shower and go back to sleep again. LCW: I suppose it depends on how dirty you get in bed before the initial wake up. LCW: Do you exercise a lot? HC: Well, I like sport. I like to play tennis and I like to kick a soccer ball around. LCW; Do you support a football (soccer) team? HC: I’d have to with Man U (Manchester United). LCW: Why? HC: My friend is a huge Man U fan. LCW: Can you tell me something interesting about Canada? HC: Well it depends on what you think is interesting. It’s a big bilingual country. LCW: Has your role as Darth Vader been a blessing or a curse? HC: I wouldn’t say it’s been a curse on my acting career, it is what it is. But one of the things I’ve been amazed by is the effect that playing that kind of character has on kids. I remember I was with George one time and these two seven year old kids walked up and looked at me with widest eyes of disbelief. LCW: Who were your childhood heroes? HC: My heroes were more like hockey players. LCW: But Darth Vader wasn’t the hero you dreamt of being when you were older? HC: It didn’t seem plausible. I didn’t have a weird connection with my character or anything like that. But you know it’s one of those things that happened and it did. It was such a crazy, surreal thing to adjust to. LCW: Do you think you were prepared for this kind of juggernaut of a role? HC: Definitely not prepared. I don’t know that I could have prepared for it because I was nineteen and it was my first sort of real film role. LCW: Are you comfortable with fame and the fact that you are now being recognized? HC: I’m getting more comfortable with it. It was a really difficult thing to try to acclimate at first. And it has its effect on my life, but now I’m just more comfortable in that skin. LCW: What do you think keeps you grounded and in touch with reality? HC: My life. I know good people and I have a very good family. I think I have perspective on what’s happened to me, which is an obvious way to stay grounded. When you consider the fact that it all sort of came about and changed around Star Wars, I could track it fairly easily. When it was announced that I got the part and I stated working on the movie everything changed because I went to an audition and some guy (George Lucas) liked the way I was reading the lines. But because of that I was able to associate everything in my life that had changed with the Star Wars franchise. I was able to sort of distance myself from it a little bit, especially the attention I was getting because it wasn’t about what I was doing per se, it was very clearly Star Wars related. It had more to do with what George Lucas had done, thirty years ago. I was more of an innocent bystander along for the ride. And it was an amazing ride. LCW: Do you feel there is a Darth Vader/star wars shadow being cast on your career or something you want to move away from? HC: I don’t know that I ever consciously fighting my Star Wars perception. I’m just doing what I want to do, whether that be taking time off, hanging out with friends and family, traveling or doing more films…working on the farm. LCW: What makes you decide to do a film role? HC: If I like the story and the character needs to be interesting. I look for characters that are complex and who have some sort of experience as a result of thing things that are going on in the story, ones where they change and grow with the story. It has to be something that I can sink my teeth into. LCW: Would you say you’re quite a reflective person? HC: Erm, actually I am. LCW: Which character did you learn the most from? HC:  I think Shattered Glass. I walked away with an understanding of how a person may not be a reflection of their capabilities or their end contention. LCW: What do you most despise about Hollywood? HC: I think just the overwhelming ambition that’s around. LCW: Would you say you’re ambitious? HC: No, no. I would say I have an ambition, but not an ambition that fits with any sort of greater endeavor, you know. You might achieve a lot, but I gauge it by the experience I have on set. LCW; Are you competitive? HC: I’m very competitive. LCW: Are you a bad loser? HC: A very bad loser. It would be very difficult to beat me at a game of tennis. There might be the odd obscenity shouted. I also like to play Cranium around Christmas time with my sister and I normally make sure we’re playing together so we can cheat. Every way we can, we cheat. Part of the game is just how well you can cheat and get away with it. LCW: What kind of dirtbike do you own? HC: Yamaha 1D30 LCW: Where do you ride? HC: Mostly I ride up at the farm but my brother and I used to take trips down to Mexico and places like that. LCW: Have you built a kicker or anything like that? HC: No, I haven’t yet but I’ve got all the equipment for it. LCW: What’s your guilty pleasure? HC: I smoke. LCW: What do you smoke? HC: Reds. LCW: What would you say is your greatest extravagance? HC: My greatest extravagance? I bought a Ferrari once. But then I crashed it. LCW: And now what do you drive? HC: A real big pick-up truck. LCW: What kind of one. Is it a Dodge? Is it a Ford? HC: It’s a Ford 350, supped up, super duty, duly. It’s great because I like driving a truck into the city and having people looking up at you. I was staying at this one hotel and when I took the truck there the parking attendant guy had to validate the ticket and he just looked at me dumbfounded, he didn’t know what to do with it and the next day when we came back he was like ‘don’t bring that truck in here.’ LCW: I think you should go to a premiere with it. HC: Yes, definitely. LCW: Do you like that kind of side to what you do? Premieres and stuff? HC: Yes, the film promotion side, the press junkets, etc. It’s not necessarily the fun part, hat’s the acting bit. [laughs] LCW: What about producing? HC: Producing I enjoy. I like putting the team together, bringing together the different elements and being a part of the process from concept to end product. LCW: Why is it called Forest Park Pictures? HC: That’s the street I grew up on. LCW: Who was the last person to have made an impression on you? HC: Doug Liman. I spent so much time around him and have learned incredible amounts. He’s made a really good impression on me. And I enjoyed every day of work with the guy. He’s a huge pro with the choices he was making, and how much he cares about the characters, the script. He’s a true artist. LCW: Are you aware that there’s a fansite section devoted entirely to your Adam’s apple? HC: There’s a what?! A fan site that’s devoted to my Adam’s apple? No. Now I’m going to be really insecure of it. <--- LMFAOOOOO LCW: Have you ever had any stalkers or anything like that? HC: Yeah, I’ve had a few weirdos. I blame it all on Star Wars! Most recently I got a call from US Customs saying that they just had this guy coming in from the UK who had legally changed their name to Hayden Christensen, and there was documentation that confirmed that they had hired a private investigator to follow me around but there was nothing they could do so they were just giving me a heads up. LCW: How would you spend 3 Euros? HC: I don’t know. I guess I’d head to the bar and get a Pepsi. LCW: How would you spend 3000 Euros? HC: I would get myself a snowplow attachment for the Bobcat. LCW: And how would you spend 300,000 Euros? HC: I could get myself a place in Brighton. I definitely like Brighton…I really like the pier. LCW: Do you read much? HC: I try. LCW: Do you have a book on your bed stand? HC: No, I don’t I have scripts at the moment. LCW: Do you think you’re good looking? HC: That’s a loaded question. LCW: If you could change one thing about your appearance. What would it be? HC: I’d be a foot taller. LCW: How tall are you? HC: 6 foot. LCW: You want to be seven feet tall? HC: Yeah, why not? LCW: I saw a quote that said you want to study architecture? HC: There was a period where I was really kind of eager to go study architecture. I’d say I have an interest in architecture. LCW: What are some of your favorite buildings or periods? HC: Probably the Renaissance period. LCW: I hear you’re off to Dubai tomorrow. Have you ever been? HC: No, I’ve never been before. LCW: It’s a bizarre place. HC: Yeah, I mean I’ve seen lots of pictures, it looks like there’s some interesting architecture there. LCW: Are you filming or is it work? HC: There’s a film festival there. LCW: Are you going as an actor or for other sides of what you do? HC: I’m going as a patron of cinema. I’m just going to watch the movies really more as a tourist. But usually I do them, especially if it’s a place I haven’t been to. LCW: Is there anywhere you haven’t been that you want to go to? HC: India. LCW: Your sister was a trampoline champion, do you have any similar claims to fame outside the ball boy incident? Do you have a party trick? HC: Erm…I don’t. [laughs] LCW: What’s your perfect idea of perfect happiness? HC: Happiness is such a hard thing to describe. I suppose perfect happiness would have something to do with nature. Maybe living in a log cabin with a wife and kids.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #58

very weird formatting here, don’t know why??  please pardon it.

have you ever been involved in a custody battle before?  

i don't really know??  supposedly they were supposed to have split-custody, but idk what happened, because dad got no rights to us?

have you ever made out in a movie theater before?  

nah man, i'm there to watch a movie.

have you ever met anyone who was overly addicted to a computer game?  

been there, done that.

do you enjoy shopping with the opposite sex?  

sure, i guess.  like when jason and i were dating, i liked hearing his opinions on my clothes.  not because his opinion would dictate my wardrobe, but because i respected his outlook on what i wore and it just made me feel better about certain things.

have you ever been fingered, or have you ever fingered someone?  

hey, when you're abstinent, you find loopholes. :P

what's your opinion on beards?  

i tend to like shorter ones or goatees.

do you like orange juice with or without pulp?  

I CANNOT DRINK PULP NO.  funny story, supposedly when i was a kid, i called the pulp in juice "nipples"???  the fuck, brittany????

do you want to be cremated or buried when you die?  

i actually do not know.  i think i'd rather be buried in a recyclable box so i could be planted beneath a weeping willow or cherry blossom tree.

have you ever named a bug in your house and thought of it as a pet?  

lmao no but to be cute once i found a teeny-tiny spider floating in buffalo wild wings and played with it and named it in front of jason.  i was so hyper and squeally and i'm pretty sure that's when jason liked me the most.

what’s the theme of the calendar that’s closest to you?  

meerkats!!

have you ever gotten kicked out of a restaurant?  

no.

have you ever flashed anyone?  

i don't think i have.  small possibility i have to jason, but i doubt it.

have you ever been bitten by a dog?  

nope.  well, my own dog nipped me very gently once, because i was about to beat the shit out of him for accidentally killing a kitten.  i'm glad he nipped me though, because i ended up on the floor sobbing instead of hitting him.

have you ever left a note in someone’s mailbox?  

that's illegal, no.

what’s your favorite pokemon? (you know you have one)  

ninetales

are tomatoes the best food in the world?  

definitely not.  the only time i've ever liked a tomato period is when they were grown from colleen's garden.

the person you love/like, do they have any pets?  

a fatass beagle named ginger

have you ever attempted the infamous the impossible quiz?  

hell no, i don't have that patience.

you know those people with the multi-colored hair? what do you think?  

they're quite cooler than me.

did you ever pronounce spaghetti as “pasghetti”?  

omg yes!!

have you ever kissed underneath the stars?  

sure have.

what would your dream engagement ring look like?  

first let it be clear i don't really care what ring my husband chooses, but i do have preferences.  i think i want my engagement ring to be a dragon's breath opal, and my wedding ring to be rose gold.

if you post videos on youtube, what are they normally of (ex. tutorials, comedy, etc.)?  

ever heard of, like, an amv/gmv?  i make stuff like that with various media.

what age did you start getting acne?  

i'm not sure

will you go to your high school reunion?  

if i'm with jason, maybe.  if i'm not, hell no, because i don't want the memories.

if someone you knew slept around, would you judge them?  

i wouldn't judge them, i'd just feel disappointed with them.

the first person you were in a relationship with, do you still care about them?  

the first person i ever "dated" was this kid aaron, but we were only in the 7th grade and i never had any true, sexual feelings towards him, and we never had what i consider a valid, romantic relationship.  but i'll use him in this question.  i care about him as an acquaintance, but that's literally it.

has anyone ever sang to you?  

yeah.

who was your childhood crush?  

idk, i never really had a serious crush on anyone as a kid.  i had those puppy-love emotions, but never were they valid.  i "liked" various people... like timothy, dylan, aaron, i'm sure i'm forgetting others...

do you think it’s right for straight guys to get their tongue pierced?  

... yeah, why not???

kiss on the first date?  

eh, highly dubious.

have you ever thought you liked someone, and then found out that you really didn’t?  

juan, yeah.  he claims i broke his heart, but i fail to believe that.  we "dated" less than 24 hours.  we were nothing but friends before then.  he knew only minor things about me.  maybe he was merely in love with my face, but he definitely wasn't with me.  i'm well aware he's either lying (which he's proven to do) or exaggerating.

would you call your last relationship a mistake?  

never.

have you ever been asked out over text message?  

omg jason did and my older sister told me we couldn't be truly dating because of it.

would you ever take up a job in photography?  

that's exactly what i want to do.

someone texts you calling you a skank. what do you reply?  

do i know this person?  if i don't and it's just some random number, i'd probably just text back, "only for you, babe" or something like that.

are you someone who is afraid of clowns? what makes you fear them?  

no.  i just don't find them scary at all.

recommend a funny comedian to me:  

john pinette makes me wheeze.

do you believe the holocaust happened?  

i can't even believe people are still denying this shit.

did you like to collect frogspawn as a kid?  

yep, everytime we went fishing i did!

ever sleep on the floor with the person you like?  

yep.  j and i slept on a palet on the living room floor once, don't remember why...  i remember he had "arrow" playing WAY TOO FUCKING LOUD that night and i wanted to turn it down, but didn't know where the remote was so suffered all night lol.

have you ever rode around in the bed of a pick up truck?  

once or twice, yeah.

does the whole emo label thing bother you? have you ever been called emo?  

the misconception of the label bothers me.  "emo" means "emotional," not "we all cut ourselves and sob daily."  yes, i've been called emo many times.

do you like coyotes?  

they're cute, sure.

what kind of car does your most recent ex drive?  

i don't know what kind of car, i just know it's dark blue.  i'm not good with car names.

have you ever been fired from a job?  

i have not.

what financial class are you?  

pretty sure we're lower class.

do you like sprinkles on your ice cream?  

no, i don't like sprinkles on anything.

do you know how much you weighed at birth? how much?  

seven-something pounds.

have you ever made out on a couch?  

more than once.

are you desperate for things to change?  

i'm beyond desperate, dollface.

do you live close to the person you like?  

seven minutes away.

when’s the last time someone of the opposite sex told you they miss you?  

juan, a month or whatever ago...

anyone jealous of you or anything you have?  

no way in hell anyone is rightfully jealous of me.

has anyone told you they don’t ever want to lose you?  

yeah... yet he's the one that left me???

was today a good one?  

no, honestly.  this morning wasn't necessarily bad, just... y'know.  it always goes downhill.

do you talk in your sleep?  

sometimes, yes.

is it awkward when you run into your ex?  

we've never run into each other, thank god.  i refuse to go into his place of work too, so.

does it bother you when people smoke around you?  

yes, it does.

were you anyone’s first kiss?  

no, i was not.

who is someone you’ll always hate?  

it's so sad, knowing that i won't hate ashley anymore if jason and her just broke up.  but while they're together, i fucking despise her.  i have tried to stop myself, and i can't.  as for rachel, i don't really know if what i feel for her is hatred anymore.  i know i dislike her and i will forever for being the reason jason self-mutilated, but i don't know if it's still hatred.

do you lie a lot?  

personally, i think everyone lies quite a bit.

what do you plan on doing with the rest of your life?  

having a happy family... never working a day in my life while still being employed... traveling... but i'm aware that won't happen, not for me.

ever considered suicide? if so, did you try to commit suicide?  

yes and yes.  well, i never got to the point where i could actually endeavor suicide, but i'd chosen and dedicated myself to the decision.  first i was going to cut... somewhere, idk where, to hell with my shaving razor, but jason grabbed me and dragged me to the ground.  then a second time, i was going to slit my throat with a kitchen knife, but when mom saw me running towards the kitchen with what was going on, she snatched me.  i wish they'd never fucking stopped me.

have you ever painted something and been impressed by it?  

yeah, actually.

have you ever had a deadly illness?  

look me in the eye and tell me depression isn't a deadly disease.

who is the most interesting person you know?  

jason.  he was one in a billion.

what is your favorite body part on the opposite sex?  

i have a massive thing for back muscles, even if they're only very subtle.

have you ever dealt with a divorce or parents fighting or any kind of abuse at home?  

divorce and parents fighting, yeah.  abuse, no.

have you ever lost someone to death? if so, how many?  

not anyone close, no.  sometimes i wish he'd died instead, as immensely fucked up as that sounds.  i've come to the realization that loss through heartbreak's gotta be worse, because that person is still alive.  that person is still breathing.  but they just don't want you.

have you gone through a lot emotionally growing up?  

i know damned well i have.

are you touchy feely?  

through my relationship with j, i found i was.  not entirely sexually, either.  i just liked proximity to him and always wanted to hold his hand, have my hand on his chest when i slept, etc.  he really had to remind me other urges to touch him were okay, though, because i was very shy with my physical actions.  i was so afraid of doing something "god wouldn't like" but way more importantly, that jason wouldn't appreciate.  i mean christ, it took literally like a thirty minute conversation to get me to even look at certain parts of him because i was afraid of being a bad christian.  he got me to be more comfortable with time though, and he was so patient with me...  he taught me so much about myself.  i fucking miss him.  jesus christ what ever was the question.  basically yeah, i can be touchy-feely.

do you like to be in control in a relationship?  

no.  in general, i'm very submissive, but i know how to make my point, let's put it that way.  i'm not a dog you can just kick around, but i don't prefer to be dominant, no.

do you throw out your assignments once you’ve gotten them back?  

it depends on the assignment.

have you ever jumped off a high dive into a pool?  

no.  i've been all the way up there, but i was too scared to jump.

did you and your last ex have an amazing relationship?  

fuck yes we did.  i was a depressed mess and i needed him a lot, but that doesn't mean it wasn't amazing as hell.

how did you notice the last person you kissed?  

he walked up to me, that's how i noticed him.

why will/won’t you and your ex get back together?  

because he doesn't fucking want me.

are you welcome at the last person you kissed house?  

probably not.

have you ever watched someone being carried into an ambulance?  

my sister, yes.

have you ever showered with a member of the opposite sex?  

i haven't, and don't want to.

has a boyfriend/girlfriend ever given you a stuffed animal?  

he has.

did you graduate high school a virgin?  

i did.

are you honestly happy with yourself?  

um, not in the least.  i'm a fucking failure.  i just decided to drop out of college in interest of my mental health too, so now i only feel less about myself than i did already.

would you rather have a chocolate or strawberry cake for your birthday? 

chocolate, strawberry cake is gross.

do you get lonely easily?  

fucking yes.

have you ever tried wine?  

i actually still remember from when i was young in the catholic church and we do the last supper thing, whatever it's called, when we would have a very small sip of wine; i remember the taste, and it was gross.

would you be excited or annoyed if your favorite book was being made into a movie?  

both my favorite books were made into movies.  seen one, not the other.

do you need structure in your life or do you prefer to just go with the flow?  

give.  me.  structure.

post a picture of you from one year ago.

boy, didn’t i look healthy.  just a fucking year ago.

do your parents swear?   dad does freely.  mom won't say "fuck" unless she's really pissed. have you ever written a fan letter? if so, who was it to and did you receive a response?   ummm i don't think so. what trait(s) would you not want your children to inherit from you?   my depression.  my anxiety.  my pessimism.  my lack of independence.  do i need to continue? are you a fast talker? do people have a hard time keeping up with you in conversation?   i don't know if i talk quickly in normal conversation, but i talk very quickly when i'm angry or passionate. have you ever dated someone that wanted to change you? how so?   the love of my fucking life left me because i was a depressed fuck, so he obviously wanted that changed. when on youtube, what types of videos do you mainly watch?   let's plays, mainly.  i watch other stuff too, though. where would you like to be in 5 years?   most importantly, i want my mental illnesses under control.  two, i want a steady job.  three, i at least... hope i'm with someone i really love, and he really loves me. what was the experience that impacted you the most in your life?   jason leaving me.  it sent me to multiple mental hospitals, and the mental scar is still rampant and festering.  my sanity is atrophying so agonizingly slowly, but steadily.  i sincerely don't even feel that "sane" defines me accurately anymore.  jason leaving just did so.  fucking.  much to me.  it affected me mentally and physically, and it's indirectly affecting the people i care about, too.  i'm perfectly aware i'm only 20, but don't fucking tell me it didn't ruin my life for now.  because boy, do i wish someone else could feel what i feel. what type of relationship did you have with your parents?   my mom is my crutch.  my dad cares, but he really doesn't understand me. where do you go when you need some inspiration?   inspiration for...? which fictional character do you believe is the most like yourself?   the only person that comes to mind immediately is heather mason from sh3. who is your role model?   jason. what was your favorite romantic moment and why?   slow-dancing with jason in the headlights of his old truck in my front yard to "stairway to heaven" by led zeppelin.  i don't need to explain that. i assume you've done drugs? what have you done?   i've actually never done drugs. was the last person you texted a hottie?   she's pretty, yes. have you ever felt replaced?   i have been replaced, and i'm sure he's happy about it, as he can finally fuck somebody and sleep peacefully at night instead of staying awake with me all night while i have a panic attack. do you know how to let go?   nope. is there anyone that you care more about than yourself?   jason, easily. if someone asked you what you wanted, what would you say?   i want jason. has a girl ever stayed up with you all night? a guy?   both have. ever been called a bitch?   yup. do you like being choked by a sexual partner?   heavily, heeeell no.  even to a medium degree, i wouldn't like it.  yes, i know he comes up in everything, but later in our relationship, jason would occasionally grab my neck while kissing me and squeeze it like really gently, and i did like that.  we were both rather submissive people, so when he did something i'd consider a bit more domineering, i generally liked it. have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?   almost every song i come across reminds me of him one way or another. do you ever think what if?   WELCOME TO MY LIFE are you going to have a baby by the time you’re 18?   i'm about to be 21, and i never had a baby that early because i have respect for my fucking body. are you currently fighting with someone?   we're settling down a bit, but i guess? are there any names that you don’t like because you once knew someone with that name that you strongly disliked?   "rachel," yes.  i used to love that name, now i just... can't stand it.  a rachel threatened to borderline kill me because her ex had a crush on me, like i can help that shit, and that same rachel was jason's ex that hurt him so deeply he cut and burned himself.  so.  i have zero tolerance for that whore.  i wish i had no opinion on the name, but damn... my dislike of her kinda just bled into the name itself. have you ever taken photos in a photobooth?   i've still got the ones i took with jason on my 16th birthday somewhere... could you ever be friends with somebody who was racist?   i am friends with a racist.  reason being, her system of beliefs aren't my business.  now i believe there is zero excuse for her racism, but i still love her very, very much and hope she changes. which natural disaster do you think is the most terrifying?   dude, earthquakes.  fuck that. if somebody has a long tongue, would that impact their attractiveness?   uhhh... no? do you own anything with your birthstone in it? what is your birthstone?   an angel charm pin, yes.  it's amethyst. if you had to pick a favorite bird, which one would you choose?   owls. how long was your longest make out?   hours.  practically all night. what was the last song you listened to?   "think twice" by eve 6. does being in love make you nervous?   it didn't when we were together, but it does now.  i let my guard down, and i shouldn't have. how easy would it be to get over the person you currently like/love?   it's impossible. is donald trump hot?   I JUST FUCKING GAGGED how often do you honestly say "i wanna die"?   usually, one or two days a week.  sometimes more. do you think you'll ACTUALLY live a happy life with somebody?   nope. have you ever kissed just a friend?   on the cheek, never on the lips. do you like spicy foods?   oh fuck yas when you said something naughty when you were little, did your parents wash out your tongue with soap?   mom would threaten to, but it's never happened to me. ever had your stomach kissed, even when you weren't expecting?   jason has, yeah. anyone have anything of yours?   jason has loads of stuff that are rightfully mine, but he can keep them. do you keep your relationship status to your self?   i mean, i don't go running around screaming i'm single, but i'll tell people i will if they ask? name the people you miss RIGHT NOW?   anyone who reads my surveys knows whom i miss. what color is your hair?   it'd dyed red. have you ever kissed on a boat?   no. would you want to change for someone?   if they were interested in me changing for the better, of course. do you write how you speak?   i write exactly how i speak. your ex says they love you, what do you say?   "fucking prove it." have you ever liked someone who had a girlfriend/boyfriend?   yeah, right now. are you anyone’s first love?   i don't know.  i honestly doubt jason was truly in love with rachel, but it's possible. can you honestly say you’re okay right now?   hell no. what’s the last reason you held someone’s hand?   i was getting my old cyst emptied and holy fuck i thought i was dying. are you lonely? be honest.   i'm always lonely, usually.  i like being alone sometimes, but not for long periods, yet i am regardless.  the only time i'm ever not lonely is when i'm at colleen's. last reason you kissed someone?   because i loved and still love him? do you believe that there’s good in everybody?   no, honestly.  some people are monsters. would you fall apart if that last person you kissed walked out of your life?   he did walk out of my life, and i did fall apart, and still haven't been fixed. think to the last person you kissed; have you ever kissed them on the ground?   lmao shit you not he preferred kissing on the floor.