#the tears in her eyes at the bridge scene i need therapy

[arriettyspin]

You ever think about how during her imprisonment in a desperate attempt to claw away the constant flow of grief, sorrow and regrets, Vi found the tiniest bit of solace in the fact that her baby sister was not entirely alone since she and Little Man still had each other? Two freshly re-orphaned children with no one left to care for them - but with their combined brains, Ekko's street smartness and Powder's sharpshooting skills, there was still hope that they could make it out of this wasteland unscathed so long as they stuck together? Right?

[whatthesigma69]

Your Fault. My Fault.

Warnings

Angst (with a happy ending)

Self h#rm

Su!c!d3

Attempted Su!c!d3

(Maya was never a 'popular' girlz she was more like the girl who nobody likes for no reason. Maya is a brown girl with black and wavy hair and green eyes, Mike is a popular white jock with brown hair and brown eyes.)

Maya walks around the school, some people laughed and glared at her, she never knew why, she never did anything wrong. People hated her for no reason. Maya walked into class and sat down and the teacher began to talk, she blurred out most of the words until she hear, "You will be working in partners for this! I will assign them! One you hear who your partner is you must go to them! Alright! Emilie and Autumn! Mia and Shelia! Makenzie and Kaley! Maya and Michael!" Her heart slightly dropped, she glanced at him to see his friends making fun of him. Maya looked away as the teacher finished calling out the students, "And Jack and Lia! Alright! Please go to your partners!" Maya stood still, she kept her head low until she heard footsteps by her, she glanced to see Michael, she gave him a warm smile but he glared at her with disgust and moved a little farther from her, she glanced away from him and put her arms on the desk, placing her head on top of her arms.

-TimeSkip-

Maya had found out Mike's phone number by his friend Ej, who gave it to her out of pure pity, she sent Mike a text.

Maya:Hello!

Mike: Who's this?

Maya:Maya! We're partners

Mike:ough great. Delete my number.

Maya:But I need it so we can work together

Mike:No you don't. Just do my work and get it over with

Maya:Fine.

Throughout the days, Maya stayed up days and nights finishing the project herself, she handed it in to the teacher, but on Mike's paper, she accidentally wrote her own name so he got no credits for the project. He was pissed.

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME? YOU CANT DO ONE HIG RIGHT!" Mike yelled at Maya in front of almost everyone, "I forgot!" "yeah! Bullshit!" Mike punched her, sending her flying to the ground, "useless whore!" Him and his friends walked away, laughing. Maya quickly got up and ran to the bathroom.

Maya kicked the trashcan across the room and slightly slammed her head on the wall in defeat, "Fuck!" She yelled out.

-TimeSkip-

Throughout the days, Mike had only continued to torment Maya, with death threats, beatings and sh jokes, it was becoming to much for Maya.

Over the days, Maya had began makin bracelets so she doesn't freak out it was like her therapy and ofcourse, Mike took advantage of it.

"Why are you wearing those many bracelets? You cut yourself?" He laughed, Maya glanced at him, she couldn't believe how insensitive he was being, "Com on! Wrist check!" He laughed in her face, ripping the bracelets off to reveal multiple scars, cuts and bruises, they all fell silent, Maya felt tears rushing to her eyes, it had just been revealed to everyone that she had harmed herself. She grabbed her bracelets and fled the scene.

It had taken a while for Maya to go back to school but when she went, she immediately regretted it.

"Wrist check!"

"Emo!"

"Attention seeker!"

"K!ll Yourself!"

"Jump!"

"You don't belong here!"

"Weirdo!"

"F#ggot!"

"Fatherless!"

"Motherless!"

Almost every name under the damn sun.

Maya had been enduring the torture until one day someone took it too far.

Maya was walking the hallways until she bumped into someone, they got pissed, "Useless weirdo! God! This is why your brother k!lled himself! Because of you!" The room fell silent, Maya stood in shock, tears fell, some people laughed, some people felt bad, Maya began to cry, she sprinted away.

Once Mike had figured out what had happened, he suddenly cared. He began to look for Maya, searching everywhere, even going to her house but nobody has seen her. Until.

Mike was walking around town, looking for Maya, she had been missing for around a week and a half, Mike walked to a bridge, hoping to find Maya.

After looking around for a while, he found Maya. But not in the way he wanted. "MAYA!" He screamed out, sprinting towards her limp body. Mike screamed for help, "HELP! SOMEONE! CALL 911!" He continued to screech until a person that was passing by, stopped and called the cops.

The wails of police sirens, firefighters, and the Ambulance was most of what was going through Mike's head, "Please, Please please." He silently begged while sitting beside Maya's body. In the ambulance, "it's all my fault" he cried to himself, begging and praying.

Beep Beep Beep

The sound of Maya"'s beeping heart had awoken some hope in Mike's mins. Every day, he brings Maya stuff, flowers, stuffed animals, bracelets, jewelry. Everything.

'Alone, what did I expect?' was the first thing that went through Maya's mind when she woke up, until she saw Mike passed out on the chair with a bunch of stuff next to her, "M-mike?" She weakly called out, he woke up and hope immediately lit up his face.

Mike rushed towards Maya, "Oh my gosh. Maya, your alive! Thank god! I'm so fucking sorry! I don't know what was going through my mind! Please don't give up! You have so much to live for!" Mike kept talking until Maya shushed him, "It's okay.. I forive you" she said, still weak, Mike shook his head, "No- No- I don't deserve your forgiveness" Maya leaned up to hug Ike, she was in pain but she didn't care, Mike hugged Maya as he layed her back down, "Please, Rest. You need it." "Wait- where are you going!?" Maya said, worryingly, "No where. I'm staying right here." Mike smiled.

"Is this what it feels like to be growing apart? When did I become the one who's always chasing you heart?" Mike murmured to himself, staring at Maya's asleep body, a million thoughts racing through his mind.

While Maya was asleep, Mike didn't bother doing anything besides making sure she's alright. His hair grew out and his eyes grew tired but he didn't care.

The endless amount of calls he was getting from his friends annoyed him, the amount of texts and calls.

Jake:dude wya?

Liam:You still w that girl?

Ex:Come back! I miss you! That stupid girl doesn't need you!

He got endless, but ignored them and turned on DND.

It had been weeks then Maya finally woke up again.

Around a month later, Maya was let go and Mike basically became her guard, anyone who had a problem with her, had a problem with him.

Mike had even more of a temper to others, he had seem to lose his hatred to Maya (Obviously) he hated the thought of being without her, especially since her failed attempt. Someone could pull the wrong string and that failed attempt could become a success, Mike obviously didn't want that.

To no surprise, Maya and Mike ended up together, working on projects Together, Mike almost never left Maya's side

Finally, after forever. Mike had managed to get new, better friends who actually liked Maya.

"So, dude. Y'all getting married in the future?" Johnnie asked, half jokingly, half serious, Maya laughed a bit, Emma smirked at Mike(Not in that way), "Yeah. Come on! I need to see Maya In a dress!"Emma laughed, and wrapped her arm around Maya, Mike scoffed and pulled Maya closer to him, "Maya. You've got him wrapped around your finger." Lily joked, Jake laughed slightly, "I know right. I mean- I'm surprised they don't have a family of seven!" Jake exclaimed, making everyone laugh and Mike blush of embarrassment, Maya giggled slightly.

Once everyone left, Mike and Maya layed together on the ground, watching the stars. They both glanced at each other, "I love you, Maya" "I love you too, Mike"

[spacewizardtrek]

WARNING: This post will ruin you. Like Medusa; look at your peril.

But here is is. It’s the one you’ve all been waiting for.

Kirk bod appreciation #7: The RIDICULOUSLY BEAUTIFUL FACE. A highly technical and academic review.

This is a rather nebulous one. And not, on the face of it (pardon the pun) very philosophical, as it’s essentially about Kirk being stupidly pretty. This post probably will (it will) descend into just screaming and sobbing, but there will be, I promise, *some* meaningful insight into the meaning of ‘beauty’ and textual analysis of its role herein.

Beauty is subjective. But look at him. It’s not just being aesthetic, but it’s the *way* he’s aesthetic. Here I might repeat myself a bit, but stay with me. I may have mentioned before once hearing him described as ‘beautiful in the way women are often described as beautiful’. He is PRETTY. He is indeed often conveyed in the way the women stereotypically (not necessarily rightly) are on screen: perfect, smooth skin; soft, big eyes; luscious lips (his body is sensually curvaceous and furthermore it’s emphasised). He’s not androgynous though. He’s masculine. And yet I still sense what was meant in describing him as ‘beautiful in the way women are often described as beautiful’. He is a rather uncommon form of gender fuckery. He is a form of stereotype-subversion not commonly acknowledged. He seems to be everything at once, ALL THE GENDER; combines whichever traits he desires from those categories, and yet is undeniably a man and masculine whatever the ingredients. HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE, one might wonder. The fact of the matter is, that it IS. And it teaches us something.

The FUCK. nO. You are not allowed to be that pretty, and you are NOT allowed to look at her like that. We’re trying to have a SENSIBLE DISCUSSION here.

Sorry, that was a non-sequitur / nothing to do with what we learn by Kirk’s embodiment; I was just ambushed by my own gif. Only the control of a Vulcan. ONLY that could possibly withstand this onslaught. And even that won’t hold up forever AS WE WELL KNOW

God.

This is going well, as you can tell.

OK. So, it’s claimed he has Eyes and Stupidly Long Weakness-Inducing Eyelashes. You know, from all that fanfic that goes on about ‘big, sparkling eyes’ and him fanning his ‘long, copper eyelashes’. I mean, yeah right, tropey mc tropeface -

IT’S TRUE. HE IS LITERALLY AN ANIME PRINCESS.

There are some moments where he just BLINKS and, how to describe it...how does a BLINK have that effect. It’s NOT ALLOWED.

...I’m sorry. It IS allowed. All of it. I am not shaming you your beauty. Never change, Jim. Never.

OK. I’m ok. 3 pics down, we can get through this -

Oh you are joking. Stop.

I don’t understand how anyone can be so beautiful. Life is a lie. Reality is fake -

- you did NOT just turn your big anime eyes on Spock. You do know this is why he ran away to PURGE ALL HIS EMOTIONS?

And for that matter, you know when Kirk looks his most beautiful? Literally WHEN HE’S LOOKING AT SPOCK. Spock talks some bollocks and Kirk just sparkles like a fucking angel:

Unbelievable. But utterly undeniable.

Sigh. Moving on.

Oh - someone once suggested I talk about The Lips. Lips are so wonderful aren’t they. So many wonderful things they can do.

And Kirk’s. They’re there in every picture: perfect, rosy, soft and madness-inducing. My advice is just...don’t think about them. But since I’ve been asked to draw attention to them, well, you’ve just sealed your fate. Scroll down at your peril.

I WARNED YOU.

I am pulling NO punches.

I’ve seen this great meme going around:

Excuse me though....CUTE?

That’s the understatement of the 23rd century.

Try impossibly beautiful, mind and body: heart of solid gold, soul deep in love with you. Those eyes and all their passion burned into your memories a thousand times over, along with - maybe, suggestibly, idk I’m extrapolating from all the goddamn tension - even the one unforgettable time he laid between lily-white sheets and gave himself to you; every gift of the mind, body and soul - and your ostensibly-forced Vulcan conditioning, that completely ignored how incompatible one part of you was with it, caused so much dissonance that you thought the only possible course of action for you both to survive was to BREAK UP, tear yourself from this beauty and love and sweetness to PURGE ALL EMOTIONS because nothing, nothing equipped you for this; you were set up specifically to fail, and fail hard in the face of transcendental love and beauty by those who rejected such things and didn’t understand you and could never imagine this for you and who instead of helping your beautiful neurodivergent brain flourish taught you to repress and caused you pain and shame and Gol was so hard and Kirk was so sad, so very sad and depressed and hurt and yet he couldn’t stop loving you with a bond so strong he called to you across the stars and Gol was all for naught yet you still didn’t know how to live like this, it was torture, torture until the mind meld with the living machine flashed your BIOS and you knew, love.exe was suddenly running with no errors and he came after you and held you and you held hands and, and -

.

*sobbing*

.

just...give me a moment

.

YOU WONDER WHAT THE SUBTEXT (FRIKKIN’ MAIN TEXT) OF STAR TREK: THE MOTION PICTURE WAS ALL ABOUT???

The pain?? The angst?? The two logical entities seeking contact, love, THIS SIMPLE FEELING? That fucking moment when spock walks on the bridge and the only way he can control himself is to be SUPER Vulcan, while his love gazes at him with those EYES, fucking huge and glittering and hurt and loving?? Is it so much a mystery what memories these two are carrying, what’s behind the searing tension???????

Love him. Love him Spock. Take him in your arms and love him. He’s for you. All for you. Fucking hell guys. The fuck. This movie.

.

ok.

ok I can do this

CAN U NOT

those damn eyes I swear

It’s obviously not all just superficial physical beauty. What IS beauty? Narratively we do sometimes find this ‘prettiness’ enhanced and emphasized like the old vaseline lens to set the tone of a scene (he’s vulnerable and delicate, or someone’s indeed in love with him so we see their ‘lens’ on him); but it is somewhat intangible and nebulous and changeable. I don’t think aesthetic beauty, if one deems it so, on its own, would be enough for the likes of Spock (indeed, no woman could charm him thusly); it's about something deeper. It’s about who he is. Who he is inside: the beautiful AND the imperfect. How his good and bad - how his ‘all’ -  chimes with Spock’s 'all’. The Enemy Within deals with this, and shows how Spock loves all of Kirk, wants him complete, with both his light and shadow. The beauty of all of us is this totality and variance, not one intangible quality.

I’ll bet Spock’s parents knew immediately. Can you imagine Sarek trying to be a total bitch over Kirk, having heard the rumours and just wanting to have one more thing to reject Spock over, immediately projecting onto Kirk as some blow-up pretty-boy and how Incredibly More Disappointing My Son Is for being Obviously In Love With Stupid Illogical Human Doll Face Bubble Butt Bimbo Captain, and Amanda’s like, stfu, let me remind you Kirk is actually a Fucking Amazing Highly Decorated Starship Captain who Saves Your Life and don’t you DARE resent him just because he’s got tits/ass/tum/lips that won’t quit and is obviously the freakin’ sun Spock orbits. Mr ‘I married a human but that was special because it was logical’ or some bullshit. How is Kirk an illogical choice? I mean literally, Spock is a Science Genius™ on the federation’s FLAGSHIP whose well-matched Genius Captain™ understands him, accepts him, brings the best out of him, helps him fulfil his whole potential and is in love with him in the deepest and purest way and will be his bonded soulmate for ALL OF TIME and that fucking sour-faced bih at the start of that ep, ffs.

Of course Amanda stays in touch with Kirk, adores the fuck out of him, sends him old Vulcan lit on t’hy’la bonds (yes sarek, a T’HY’LA bond, so revered freakin’ poets write about it) etc because frankly her son could do FAR FUCKING WORSE.

FAR. FUCKING. WORSE.

Don’t...just don’t slip the bod into the equation, the face is enough for one post. We’re all in therapy for this already, let’s not relapse.

Oh, what’s the use. I’m gonna die. This is it. This is like the Monty Python joke that is so funny it kills you. This man is lethal. I need to stop this thread and purge all my emotions

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

That’s it. I’m dead. You’re dead. We’re all dead.

I hope, however, seeing this post was worth it. See you at Gol everyone.

.

.

The Forbidden Texts, DO NOT READ:

Kirk bod appreciation #6: The Curves. The Front. The...chest. AND THE AMAZING GREEN WRAP

Kirk bod appreciation #5: The Paws

Kirk bod appreciation #4: The Curves. The Back. Poetry in motion.  

Kirk bod appreciation #3: Season 3 (Part 1)

Kirk bod appreciation #2b: The Gluteus Maximus

Kirk bod appreciation #2a: The Gluteus Maximus

Kirk bod appreciation #1: The Tum

[captaincravatthecapricious]

If That’s What it is

A difficult reunion.  cw for strained friendships.

Tim doesn’t remember how to be friends.  

The was never the one…  He could fake it… once.  Or maybe he really was like that.  Was he ever as friendly as people seemed to think?  Was he just filling a roll?  Covering for his hurt?  Where does the facade end?

It doesn’t help matters that this is Jon.  Jon.  How can he rebuild bridges long set on fire then torn down then had both sides bricked over and a cemetery developed between the halves.  

Sat on opposite ends of the couch in the quiet of a London flat.  

The distance of a few handspans may as well be a journey of a thousand steps.  

It may as well be made of pages of misdeeds, or the longest novels written stacked end to end and must be read to cross.  

Why is he even here?  

It was fine when he… what did he even think?  

That Jon had gone full monster?  That he intentionally ended the world?  That he died trying to prevent whatever the fuck that was?  That he simply died years before, maybe when Tim supposedly had.  He doesn’t know what he thought but he had deniability, for whatever that was worth.  

Jon keeps opening his mouth, as if to speak, but shuts it tightly every time.  

This isn’t the first attempt.  Nor is it the second.  

Just… the most awkward, as hard as it was to beat the previous encounters.  

Encounter one:

Scene: the grocery store.  

Enter Tim, minding his own damn business with his headphones in.  Loud enough that he can actually hear it, even if it means just about everyone else in the store can hear it too.  Probably should be paying more attention to his surroundings as he runs into someone when he’s trying to buy peanut butter.  The someone probably says ‘oof,’ but Tim can’t hear it.  

“Sorry, mate.”  He offers a bit of an apologetic smile.  (Smiling has gotten easier, but… But not as easy as it was.)

He doesn’t plan to meet the eyes of whoever he ran into, but even he can hear the squeak when the someone, Martin, catches sight of him properly.  

“TIM?”  

Oh shit.  It’s Martin.  Martin Blackwood.  Martin K. Blackwood.  Archival assistant.  (Does he count as a one night stand if the “one night” was over two weeks on in the nightmarish magical mystery ride of the Distortion’s hallways?)  Friend?  Abomination apologist.  Friend.  …Yes, a friend who thinks Tim is very very dead.  

Martin’s shopping is on the ground, and without thinking, Tim has helped Martin to the ground and is pushing his head between his knees to stave off what is shaping up to be a panic attack.  

Tim hasn’t even paused his music.  

It’s still blaring something irritatingly of the wrong mood into his ears.  

Once Martin has his breath back, he starts signing furiously.  

And Tim has to stand back stunned at the barrage affection and anger and resentment and relief, and off balance that Martin still remembers the sign he learned for Tim. 

He leaves without his peanut butter, and with a coil of guilt deep in his gut, with nothing to curb the ringing in his ears because he can’t tolerate music right now, and an address and a number ‘only if he is ready to step on his anger and listen to Jon, for once.’  He hadn’t even gotten a word in.  He hadn’t even told him that Sasha was alive.  

Just been yelled at in a grocery store.  

Encounter two:

Scene: A Living Room, night.  

“Jon isn’t here.”  Martin tells him this before even letting him in.  “He knows you are, but he isn’t here.  He’s having dinner with some other teachers in his department.  It’s just us.”  Martin’s signing this.  

Tim is wearing his hearing aids, but Martin is signing anyhow.  Maybe it’s easier for him to get it out through that halfway-to-icy expression on his face.  Maybe it’s out of coldness, but Tim can’t help but feel a warmth deep in his chest that Martin remembered the BSL he labored over when he was assigned to the archives.  

Tim swallows hard around the hope and bitterness and anger and regret and longing.  He nods.  “Thanks for having me.”  He signs quietly.  

Martin ushers him in, and hands him a cup of tea.  It’s still hot.  It’s just how Tim takes it.  And he’s sat on a squashy couch, staring at a squashy cat who is glaring at him.  

Well.  That seems fitting.  

Cat glaring.  Martin… almost glaring.  No, not glaring.  He’s got his own tea.  And he is sipping it, giving a very chilly look to the poor wall.  

Tim takes in the photos on the wall, while avoiding Martin’s eyes.  All Polaroids.  There’s Jon and Martin in Martin’s ratty looking jumpers (ones that were significantly more new when they first met) standing in the countryside squashed together and laughing their assess off.  Jon in oversized wellies, covered in mud, facing off against a cow.  Jon standing in the shallows of a pond, looking peacefully into the distance.  Martin asleep, in a rustic bedroom, golden morning light spilling across his lax and happy face.  There is a frame containing the Litany Against Fear from Dune.  A frame with a page from Slaughterhouse Five.  …A frame with a picture of a young and unsecured Jon looking grumpy, a young and happy and probably drunk Tim with an arm slung around him, and an arm around Sasha who is giving a blushing Martin bunny ears.  That one has a place of honor.  It’s a little worn looking, but in a way that makes it clear it survived a lot… the end of the world, in fact.  

Seeing it hits Tim square in the chest.  It hurts.  

Martin finishes his tea and turns towards Tim.  

“So.”  

Tim puts his nearly cool tea down on the coffee table.  The squashy cat keeps glaring at him from an equally squashy arm chair.  He faces Martin, but can’t quite meet his eye.  Martin is waiting for him to talk.  

“Didn’t die.  Thought I would.  Thought I had.  Didn’t.  Walked away.  Got a job.  I… I uh.  Found Sasha.  Stranger had fucked her up pretty badly, so don’t be mad at her for not calling, she had a lot of trouble remembering and being remembered.  Survived the apocalypse.  Got on with life, or tried to.  Got some therapy.”

He braces himself for the impact.  He’s mentioned Sasha over text, but still.  Not to mention, it’s all a lot.  

Martin’s jaw tightens.  

“Thought you could just, let me think you died?  Tim, the only person who came back from the Unknowing was Basira.  The only one.  Call me selfish, but you died, Jon essentially died, we thought Daisy had died.  Then my mother died too.  I know you had your head up your ass, but do you know what that did to me?  Yeah, sure, great, you got out.  Whoop-de-fucking-do.  You could have called.  Or texted.  Or sent a letter.  Anything!  And you know what?  Partly it was a relief, because at least I thought you were happy.  Or at peace.  Or at the very least you wouldn’t be there to harass Jon anymore.  But you all died.  It was just me.  Everyone I cared about was dead.  Six month Jon was dead.  And no, don’t you dare get on Jon’s case about that.  He mourned you.  He still is mourning you.  He’s been walking on air since you and Sasha…  Tim, I swear, if you hurt him… If you hurt him again, you will regret it.  You will only see him if you are ready to listen.  You don’t have to forgive, but you are not allowed to be cruel.”  

Tim doesn’t have a single doubt.  “I…  I’ve missed him.  I’m sorry.”  

“No yelling, no grabbing, no sudden movements, nothing passive aggressive.  And I will be in the next room and so help me, if you scare him…”

Martin lets the threat hang.  

It hurts.  It isn’t anything he’s ever gotten from Martin.  Didn’t think Martin had enough of a spine for it.  …But.  But he guesses when everyone dies(? he has a lot of questions, but it doesn’t look like Martin is in the right headspace to answer them, and Tim might not be either.  His breathing is uneven and his face is hot and he isn’t sure if he wants to break something or cry or scream or maybe just repaint his and Sasha’s home all in one go.)…  Well… he doesn’t have to guess.  He knows exactly what that can do to a person.  And it isn’t pretty.  He feels the guilt coiling again.  He wants to tear it out and stomp on it.  But… but he guesses, the guilt can guide him.  He needs to do right by the people that used to be his friends.  The people he’s missed every day since he got his head on straight with extensive therapy and a variety of coping mechanisms.  

The scene: The same squashy couch, in the same quiet flat.  

The squashy cat is in Jon’s lap.  The cat is glaring, and Jon is staring at him with those giant, hopeful, tired, guilty eyes.  Haunted and rimmed in shadow, as ever.  

He knows Martin is in the next room, ready to step in if he needs to.  

All Tim needs to do… is reach out.  

[quaintrellelily]

Why Euphoria’s first bridge ep might be one of the best episodes to grace our TV (or laptop) screens.

SPOILER WARNING!

When I decided to watch Euphoria for the first time in 2019 (thanks for the rec @o-d-d ), I expected, at most, mediocre character arcs and a weak but acceptably entertaining plot line that aimed to deliver to a particular subset of teenagers: those who like to excessively drink, party, or do crack. But hey. Don’t blame me for assuming low standards for teen dramas. I’m not. I just simply believe that the depth at which the human emotional condition is explored on screen severely lacks. Trouble Don’t Last Always captures that and with appreciable finesse.

A message for anyone who is thinking of starting the series: let me make one thing clear before I dive into talking about this particular episode. The sex on this show is explicit AF. I’m talking about full frontal nudity and masturbation. Is it something I believe Euphoria could do without? Could it still make as big of an impact? Shock without the visual shock value? Absolutely. I truly believe it would. If you do skip past these unnecessary scenes, rest assured you will not be missing out on anything important.

So onto the first bridge episode without further ado. These are the reasons why it shined

• It might sound strange, but hbo’s decision to exclude music for most of the episode was a bold but appropriate stylistic choice. This episode is pulled together by many non-verbal moments that rely on being brought to the surface by it’s characters. It’s almost disconcerting..sitting in silence with two people who have experienced things and emotions that many of us haven’t at our worst. It just feels more authentic that way and is more intimate, like we’re present at Rue’s therapy session. Rue’s admission to threatening to kill her mother is an example of when this works. You’re not supposed to hear it as much as witness it. It’s just Zendaya and her stellar acting in it’s element, and it works seamlessly well regardless of the generic backdrop or anything else in the room (Ali and Ms Marsha aside)

• MORE on the acting. I just..wow. Brava. Zendaya’s breadth of skill really manifests itself through her eyes and lips and forlorn sitting position as Rue. You know it goes beyond your expectations when you forget a person is only acting, and Colman Domingo was also able to emote his lines and countenance in nuanced ways that seemed to deliver that exact level of desperateness I wanted to see conveyed by addicts or ex addicts. I call this art

• There’s this amazing albeit lengthy discussion that is the backbone of this episode. This was absolutely needed despite what some people might think. Why? Because this is quite literally what Euphoria is about. It isn’t centred on the striking neon lights, glitter, or trendiness of the gen z scene. It’s about a real issue with real repercussions. This is the aftermath. The moment we confront our innermost demons with an honesty that is seldom drawn out into an hour on a show for entertainment. Another bold choice here because the critical eyes of many can indeed infer that it is a tedious, almost gratuitous chapter for an audience to watch. But I beg to differ.

At the end of the day, our ability to communicate our misery to others is a tried and true strength. The script isn’t forceful in the way that Ali, Rue’s sponsor, tries to exculpate Rue and project his moral or religious conscience, no. In contrast, he holds himself accountable for his previous actions and recognises himself as the flawed human being just trying to stand by right, finding purpose as a result. He doesn’t blame Rue. Doesn’t even tell her that her feelings are invalid like so many others might. That her only way out is to surrender to the universe or anything wishy washy. Instead he will stand by her. He tells her he’s got some hope left; little as it may be, but he doesn’t know why. It’s just like that song, Lost Stars by Adam Levine.

Turn the page maybe we'll find a brand new ending

Where we’re dancing in our tears

He wishes she could have some hope too. For this reason and those above, I would gladly recommend viewing this ep to those who struggle with sobriety. Huge disclaimer. I have never been an addict, used, abused, or thought about taking drugs. However I’ve been through my own mental hurdles and lost my dad this year. Way back when I started to watch season 1, I thought Euphoria was teenage angst for teenage addicts. It might be, but it is also for anyone who has felt painfully lost, had their soul crushed, lost someone, or is purely prone to getting swept up in existential dread. I hope Ali’s message here will stay with each individual who grapples with their sense of place in the world. I hope that no matter what, you carry the most measily of hope, trust, and courage in your heart. I reiterate that trouble don’t last always.

[sugarless-suki-writes]

First Lines Meme

Tagged by @nikkxb -- sorry it's taken me so long to get to this, lmao

Rules: List the first lines of your last 20 stories (if you have less than 20, just list them all!)

See if there are any patterns.

Choose your favorite opening lines.

Then tag 10 authors!

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I just kinda went to my recents on my google docs, so this is gonna have a mix of stuff, some original stuff too. ye :3 but I'm starting with fics that I currently have posted online. All of them are the first paragraph of the update that's in progress

Favorites have bolded and italicized titles :3

1. Sobriety || KouKag

Kagome had three sessions of therapy so far and she wasn’t fully sure how to feel. She knew it was helping her, but she was left feeling so.... raw and open after every session that she felt like she was just back pedaling and it was hard to cope with. A part of her wanted to just stop altogether and go back to self medicating, but she knew that this was just part of the process. The first couple sessions were going to be hard because there was just so much to unpack, but her therapist was nice and calm and patient with her. She really had to thank Kouga again when she saw him later today.

2. 100 Arms, 100 Years || KouKag

This was the fifth day that an offering had been left in front of Kagome’s door for her. The fifth time she would receive the carcass of a large animal that she wouldn’t accept. The fifth time that Inuyasha found himself in front of her and Kikyō’s shared hut and bringing the carcass to the village for her. His fifth time taking the credit for a hunt he had no part in. He had to admit, this was quickly grating on his nerves. He hated the attention that he was getting from the villagers now. They praised him for shit that he didn’t do. That, and he didn’t want to be praised for anything. It was bad enough that he practically had the Sacred Jewel within his grasp and wasn’t able to use it to become a full-fledged youkai, but now he was being celebrated as a hero by some mere humans? Keh... they’re lucky I don’t tell them what this is all actually about. I bet they wouldn’t be so happy then. He sniffed and scratched at his nose. He talked a big game, but Inuyasha knew deep down that he would never do anything to hurt them. If he did that, that would in turn hurt Kikyō and he couldn’t do that to her.

3. Big God || KouKag

Kagome let out a frustrated huff as she shoved her phone into her pocket. She then plopped down onto the couch, tucking her legs up underneath her and curling into Kouga’s side. “That’s the fourth test we’ve ran, and we just... can’t figure out what the hell that stuff is... It’s so frustrating!” she grumbled.

4. You are the Moon || KouKag

Kagome took care of dinner that night, going out to pick up a few things she would need before returning home and cooking. Her mother tried to talk her out of it, but Kagome insisted, wanting to give her mother a break for the night and do something nice for the family. She missed them, and she wanted to make up for being gone for so long.

5. The Demon of Nabewari Yama || KouKag

Kagome let out a small huff as she looked up at the mountain she was heading towards. She had been traveling for several days, bordering a week now, looking for somewhere to settle. However, all the villages she had come across already had a miko or monk residing there, and if they didn’t, they didn’t want one. To be fair, there weren’t many villages she had come across between her hometown and here, and sure, maybe she should go further out after completing her training, but it was still just a little frustrating.

6. Seasons of Love || ZelGan

Zelda looked herself over in the mirror, and the corners of her lips pulled down into a small frown. Her hair was pulled up into an extravagant updo, several locks braided and pulled into the bun that rested on the back of her head. There were some flowers pinned in as well, all of them white in color. She would have preferred something with a pop of color, so they would stand out against her hair; but she figured that, in the end, everything had to match her dress.

7. Gerudotown || ZelGan -- Title may change for this, idk lmao

Ganondorf let out a grunt as he dismounted from his horse. The beast was large with a jet-black coat and a matching mane. He gave the steed a pat on his neck before handing the reins to a stable boy, holding back a chuckle from the look on the boy’s face. He was certain the child had never seen a beast so big, nor a Gerudo, based on how he was looking up at Ganondorf with wide, disbelieving eyes.

8. Shit, Let's be Pirates || DaveJade

Jade ran down the dirt path leading to a hidden beach. She had just gotten out of class and was eager to go down to the coves. She wanted to find some cool shells and snap a couple pictures for her biology class. She always went above and beyond in that class, but she just had a passion for marine life.

9. Changing Fate || ZelGan

“You can’t possibly be serious about this, father!” Zelda snapped indignantly. Her hands were balled into fists at her sides and her face was contorted in rage. King Rimoll let out a sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose. They had been at this “conversation” for what felt like hours. He didn’t expect it to go this badly. Of course, he didn’t expect it to go well in the first place, but this was beyond what he anticipated.

10. Moon Bonds || KouKag

All Hallow’s Eve. A powerful night for witches and magick users alike. A night that better helped connect them to the spirits of the earth and those who had been lost. It was a night that Kagome looked forward to every year. The surge of magick that tingled under her skin and filled her very being... by the goddess it was an amazing feeling. And this year would be even more delightful and powerful.

11. Princess and the Pirate || Amuto

Growing up, Amu had been told many stories about pirates, everyone on her small island had. But Amu felt as if she had heard more than most. Her mother would tell her tales before bed about the pirates on a ship called the Emerald Line. Despite the name of the ship, its hull and sails were completely black. The only speck of color was the pirate flag it flew, which was emerald green and depicted a cat head with crossbones beneath. It was also known to be the fastest ship to sail the seas.

12. The Black Card || KouKag

Kagome paced around her room in her tiny apartment, struggling with picking out an outfit. It was her first day off in a while and she wanted to look cute, seeing as she wouldn’t be restricted by her, somewhat lenient (semi-strict?), dress code at the bookstore. However, she also wanted to be comfortable, so she was at a bit of an impasse. It wasn’t really as big a deal as she was making it out to be, but she was exhausted and she hoped that dressing nice would throw Sango off her trail. With a huff, she finally settled on a nice sundress she had stuffed in the back of her closet, one she rarely wore and almost forgot she had. It was light blue in color with a floral print.

13. Harvest Moon || KouKag

Kagome stretched as she woke up that morning. She opened her eyes and saw the torn-up ceiling and frowned to herself ever so slightly. She had moved into the country several days ago and had only recently started working on repairs that her home needed. It was a pretty large house, but the rent was extremely cheap. The only downside was she had to pay for the repairs, but in all honesty… she wasn’t too bothered by it. Apparently the house had been abandoned for years. No one was really sure how long... but Kagome could take a guess that it had been at least a decade with how worn down and dirty things were.

14. Memories || Original Fic - No Pairing

Lotus looked around at the scene before her. It would be an easy job, simple. She could do it in her sleep no problem. She scoffed and looked at the man beside her. “Really? You need me for this?” she asked. He turned to look at her, a scowl on his face.

15. Any Way the Wind Blows || ZelGan

Zelda woke up to the sun on her face. She grumbled and grunted, rolling over onto her side on her small mat. She opened her eyes and looked out ahead of her, at the grass and flowers swaying in the breeze. Her stomach gurgled and she placed a hand on it, a grimace on her lips. Food...

16. Found || KouKag

When Kouga had heard that there was a disturbance along one of their borders, he had been prepared for anything. He pulled together a team quickly, not taking all the strongest warriors, making sure to leave some behind to protect his pack. They ran off, ready to fight. Ready for anything. Anything except this.

17. Interlude IV (Showtime) || KouKag

O Signore, per amor del tuo nome, perdonami la mia iniquità... Perciocche ellà e grande Kagome sat there in the street, blood seeping through her clothes and soaking her knees. Tears continued to stream down her cheeks in a never ending flow. Her breath kept catching in the back of her throat as she tried to force down her sobs. Her hands were curled up into fists, pressed against the pavement, soaked in blood and in pain from being clenched so tightly and pressed so firm against the rough asphalt. Regret, despair, and guilt crushed her heart. They squeezed tight, holding onto her and keeping her trapped in the moment. A moment she’d rather drink away and forget, only for her guilty conscious to bring it back in her dreams at night, keeping her away from the blissfulness of sleep.

18. Bubblegum & Nicotine || Original Fic -- Astrid/Loki

Astrid opened the door to the apartment and latched her keys onto her belt loop. She then bent over to pick up the bags of groceries she had set on the ground to unlock the front door. Once she had crossed the threshold into the house, she raised up her right leg and kicked the door closed behind her. With a bit of a grunt, she hoisted the bags up a tad higher and made her way to the kitchen. She set them down on the counter with a thud and took a moment to catch her breath. She may be in good shape, but carrying several pounds of groceries up three flights of stairs because the elevator was out? That would wind anyone.

19. We Are Complicated || Bubbline

Bonnibel Kaugummi entered the school and was quick to drop her things off in her locker so she could head straight to the Student Council room. She grabbed a couple of her books out of the locker and shoved them into her messenger bag. The tan colored bag complimented her uniform, which consisted of a grey sweater, a red ribbon tied into a neat bow, which was neatly tucked underneath the collar of her white button up shirt underneath her sweater, and a red plaid skirt. The red accents to her uniform identified her as a Junior, and they complimented her red-orange hair and rosy complexion.

20. The End of All Things || KouKag

Kagome let out a soft sigh as she curled up in her spot on the bench, bringing her legs up to her chest. She was sitting out on the small deck that overlooked the garden in her backyard and watching the rain. It was fairly cool out thanks to the constant drizzle that had begun early that morning. The sound of it pattering against the ground and roof that extended over the deck filled her with a sense of calm, a calm that she desperately needed right about now. Working as a nurse wore her out. She loved her job, of course, but gods if it didn’t have its trials and tribulations. She had been working almost every day for a solid two weeks now, covering shifts for people on top of her own. Thankfully she had a couple of her shifts taken from her after being at the hospital for a full 24 hours at one point in time. Today just so happened to be her natural day off, and she felt pretty great about it.

[emeraldbabygirl]

ATEEZ - Answer I’ve already stated why this song made me cry when I reviewed it over the summer. To attempt to put it shortly, I feel a sense of almost relief? It makes me feel proud of the boys in general and the songs feels like overcoming an obstacle and coming out stronger and just feeling overwhelmed by joy and happiness? And the part at the end really makes me just burst into tears it feels uplifting and beautiful.

MCND - Beautiful this song give me this nostalgia feeling, it sounds similar to a pop song I first heard in middle school (Down by Jay Sean). I started listening to pop in middle school and middle school is hell for everyone along with high school but there’s certain memories I have of middle school that weren’t too bad. I had a lot of friends, we filled up an entire table in the cafeteria. It was also in middle school that I sort of confessed to both my crushes. Middle school was different and new to me and ya’know middle school but this song reminds me of those times. Also about the song itself it gives me this feeling of longing and want like longing to fall in love and just it’s very strong and that really gets to me. (Upon looking up the lyrics it’s seems more like a song for the fans rather than a love song but that’s just the feeling it gives me and the way I interpret it)

Secret Number - Got That Boom recently this song has been making me feel things. Just the chorus is so upbeat and it feel like I can relax and just dance my heart out and just be happy and I don’t know if these girls will become an Itzy situation but there’s definitely something about the song that gives me kind of a similar feeling. I feel happy

CIX - Cinema ok so I never thought CIX would have this effect on me and up until recent songs didn’t give me these feelings and make me cry unless the song itself was sad. The way it’s been lately the songs I listen to can really sit with me and make me feel emotional even if the song is happy and upbeat. The way Cinema is, I’ve never used this phrasing before with anything, but the way I cried while just listening to the bridge and chorus in Cinema, that song is truly my safe place. Like my friend said “it feels like a hug” it does. That chorus gives me a feeling of nostalgia but in a way that makes it feel okay and it’s not a feeling that’s upsets me it’s literally a hug, it’s like a warm hug it feels like, like when I listen to it the way the members make their voices sound it’s relaxing and calming. It’s like whenever I hear the song, even if I’m watching a performance of it I feel calm, I feel okay. Like every bone in my body is at ease, every worry is melting away and I’m almost just floating on a cloud. I don’t exactly know how to put these feelings and emotions into words but I cannot praise Cinema enough.

OneWe & OneUs - Last Song this song is very upbeat and makes me feel joy and it doesn’t make me feel safe persay but it’s comforting. It’s another song that gives me a sense of longing. It’s like seeing an old friend again and reconnecting, like the ending credits to a really wholesome and wonderful movie about friendship and love amoung these friends that never stops growing. Just seeing all the clips in the mv of Oneus and Onewe together having fun and enjoying each other’s company, it’s almost like an end of summer recap having all these fun adventures and fun memories that you never want to forget and you will always cherish those memories and you want to keep those friends with you forever. And seeing them perform the song together on stage, the choreo has the same vibe it’s just a really feel good and wholesome song. (Also thinking about it now there also seems to be this sadness, like, ok in short sometimes I get really upset when I think about how I’m not little anymore. More on that later but this song feels like you’re just trying to be in the moment and preserve your youth, you don’t want to grow up, you don’t want things to change you want your friends to be with you always and you just want to live in this memory that you’ve captured foever and never grow up. That emotion is really strong here as well.)

Loona - Star a lot of people said this song gave them nostalgic feels and it’s crazy how that happened, it did for me too, as soon as I heard the chorus it hit me like a truck. I really don’t have the words to describe this song really other than that weird nostalgic feeling but it was weird how a lot of us had that feeling. The mv is beautiful and it’s crazy how I had memorized the chorus in the Korean version within a few days of watching them perform it. I really don’t know what to say about this song other than how amazing it is really. It kinda takes you back to a certain time in your life but I don’t know what that time it. Someone had said that they were listening to it while their mum was a asleep and the mum dreamed she was back in her hometown and she could hear that song play in the streets, it almost seems as if that song has time traveling powers or some power truly beyond humans lmao. She’s really something

Dreamcatcher - Odd Eye this song is hella but the bridge and the hard rock in the chorus sent me into fight or flight for the first time. I got another nostalgia feeling but with an image which never happens to me but basically picture it raining hard and you have extreme feelings of sadness and dread and you just want to almost scream?

Ghost9 - Thinking of Dawn another fight or flight song, it’s really weird tho but specifically Prince’s line in the bridge or chorus gave me a panic attack the first time I heard it, there’s something about the way the song and his voice sounds that like upsets me? And makes me want to cry. (Almost like this impending doom feeling. Similar vibes actually to that cursed Artificial Intelligence movie that I fucking loathe so goddamn much)

Twice - Cry for Me gurl this song gives me nostalgia like an early 2000’s but maybe late 90’s pop song and wow, it’s just so damn good I had to put it here

Sunmi - Pporoppipiiram - this song is another one that kinda plays with my emotions, I’ve described it as running away in the night with a secret lover, I’ve talked about wanting to just have these crazy night time shenanigans with a lover or friend and feeling free, it’s a song that I can see a sunrise in my head, the opening sounds and smells like a sunrise during the summer, possibly on the beach seeing the sun’s rays lighting up the ocean, the soft pink and orange glow, what Sunmi perfectly portrays in that mv is exactly what goes on in my mind whenever I listen to that song and she’s a certified bop™️ and that song is just so lovely but she’s got some feeling to it

2Z - Not Without You - motherfuckin 2Z came out with this song after Hyungwoong left and I was still upset about him leaving but I still wanted to support 2Z cause I wasn’t about to give up on them like that and the way this song was carried was gorgeous. I clearly cried, the way the song and the members voices make you feel comforted and kind of at peace with the world. It’s an uplifting song and the member’s sound wonderfully and Zunon’s voice was actually what brought me to tears, his singing is so gentle and truly beautiful and he fits right in with 2Z and when I realized that and I realized that 2Z can do all these things with their voices I just couldn’t help but cry. This song is like a huge sigh of relief but also tears of happiness

2Z - Stand nothing really specific about this song just the mv made me fucking cry at like 5 in the am. There was a big sad feeling tho

Yooa - Bon Voyage I never expected Yooa to get a solo but I was so blown away for her solo. It’s not a song that is a bop or really upbeat but it’s a gorgeous piece and with the way it sounds and the set and her outfits. It’s really the whole fantasy theme. It takes you away to a make believe world where you are free and you can just get away and escape. I don’t really know how to describe it but the scene where she’s on like rocks and she’s just spinning and it’s got that cool sound to the song, that scene describes the feeling perfectly

Pentagon - Daisy this fucking song. First off fuck you Pentagon for making me feel emotions yet making Yuto and Hongseok go tits up. Just seeing them all on the floor looking defeated or at a loss, it’s a painful feeling. It’s a song that makes me feel bad and towards the end I felt this feeling of fight or flight like, I wanted to stop watching it because I felt this inner panic for some reason like I had to get away. And then when they all sing together that really did me in, made me tear up and it’s a beautiful song but not in a beautiful way it’s painfully beautiful and the boys did so well in portraying all the feeling through their voices and just the different scenes in the mv

BlackPink - Lovesick Girls this song I call my self proclaimed anthem, I heard it for the first some time and it wasn’t until I watched them perform it for the first time that I teared up. At the time this happened I was really sad and I kept “slipping” so I felt very touch starved and clingy and I wanted just love and affection from anyone. I was feeling really lonely and the feeling was stronger than it’s ever been it I felt like crying all the time I was just so upset that I was lonely and I really wanted love and affection and this song was like my therapy for that I guess? I didn’t feel so alone. There’s a strong emotional bond I have with this, the desire and the need to fall in love and to just have attention from that one special person. I know the song is kind of about just feeling like you’re not cut out for falling in love and you know every relationship ends but there’s still that need, that desire to fall in love and be in love with another person, and with me I always say I don’t want to be in a relationship, I hate men, love is disgusting, but there’s thing strong desire and need inside me to be loved and to fall in love and sometimes, like when this song came out, you just get so upset that it feels like your heart is like in pain, like you hurt on the inside. That whole “hurts your heart” shit

Itzy - Wannabe I’m actually not going to explain why this song makes me cry I’m not ready to give the whole story yet and I probably won’t be. So in short, I heard this song when I was at quite a low point in my life I suppose, problems at work were just causing me to truly feel like shit and this song really hit me and actually the Wannabe era is what made me stan Itzy those girls are so precious to me and I hold them so close to my heart they are little miracles honestly and that song just really sits with me

I highly recommend all these songs they are so good and they have such beautiful and great mvs to go with them, some even cinematic masterpieces also this finna be my playlist for my funeral honestly. She doubles as the ‘play this at my funeral’ playlist

[forestwater87]

Camp Camp Secret Santa, Chapter 1

Hello, @thebeesfriend! I'm your Secret Santa this year, and I hope you enjoy this story! The tags make it sound a lot more intense than it is; it's really very sweet and silly, mostly.

Gwen begins questioning her sexuality, and comes to her coworkers for help. Jasper starts reminiscing about his own past, and just how lucky he is today.

(Updates every 2-3 days until Christmas 2019)

(If you'd like to join the annual Camp Camp Secret Santa event, check it out on tumblr! Annual signups usually go out shortly after Thanksgiving.)

June 25, 2016

2:17 PM

“Hey, can I ask you kind of a weird question?”

Jasper paused, wax dripping from a lit stub of candle onto the paper airplane in his other hand. “Is it ‘what the fuck are you doing with our emergency lights-out supplies?” he asked, knowing before the words left his mouth that it wasn’t. Gwen didn’t ask permission to tear into her co-counselors for being idiots, especially when fire was involved, and her expression and voice both had a nervous, hesitant lilt he wasn’t used to and didn’t like. She was a firecracker -- quietly smoldering until something made her explode, and then she was gone in a flash of fire too dangerous to stand nearby. Shyness didn’t suit her.

At least she wasn’t popping tranquilizers like they were Skittles, he noted hopefully, shifting his supplies to make room for her to sit down. Things couldn’t be camp-ruining bad or she’d be having twelve different panic attacks simultaneously. As she sat down, Jasper noticed she kept tugging strands of hair free from her ponytail, twisting them around her fingers.

“Everything okay?” he finally tried, when a solid fifteen seconds had gone by without a response. He wasn’t exactly a “fill the silence with chatter” kinda guy, but with David off preparing for one of his ill-advised contests against the Woodscouts, Jasper was alone for the first time all summer with the only person at camp he tried to avoid being alone with. Gwen . . . intimidated him. A little bit. Maybe it was that she’d been a counselor longer than him and had seniority, maybe it was the way David was convinced she could do no wrong. Maybe it was because she could do more damage to -- and with -- a guitar than Pete Townsend and smiled even less than Quartermaster, and he couldn’t get a read on her no matter how many summers passed. Or hell, maybe it was because he was just as much of an awkward disaster around pretty girls as any other nerd, and being madly in love with his boyfriend hadn’t magically given him social skills. It was a mystery, really. “What’s crackin, cap’n?”

(Case in point.)

She groaned, rubbing the bridge of her nose with her thumb and forefinger -- a tic of Jasper's that had rubbed off on both Gwen and David. “I . . . what the fuck am I doing? No, fuck it, it’s -- I’m gonna go --”

“Hey.” Jasper took her wrist before she could get up, setting aside his airplane and candle. “You need to talk?” When she shrugged, not meeting his eyes and looking extremely reluctant, he tried a smile and added, “Come on, we're CBFLs. It’s gotta have some perks, right?”

She shook her head with an amused huff of air and made no move to stand back up. She’d twirled a strand of hair so many times around her finger that the poor finger was striped red and white as she released the hair. “Fuck, yeah. I guess. It’s not even a big deal or anything,” she said, puffing her cheeks out in a sigh. “Might as well.”

And then she . . . didn’t say anything. Just pressed her lips together and stared down at the scarred wooden table, sliding her hands under her thighs (to keep from playing with her hair again, he suspected).

After a few minutes Jasper shrugged and went back to his project, tilting the candle so wax drizzled into the crevices of the airplane’s wings. If he had something to spread the wax around, this would probably be a lot easier and --

“How’d you know you were into guys?”

The suddenness of the question, and the too-loud way she’d blurted it out, made him jump, spilling a thick glob of wax onto his knuckles. “Jinkies Christ!” he hissed, quickly setting the candle down and shaking his hand (which didn’t do anything to either remove the wax or cool it down, but it made him feel better regardless). “Sorry,  what was that?”

Gwen stared at him, the corners of her lips twitching. She immediately covered her mouth with her hand, so all he caught was a glimpse of a fledgling smile. “Did you just say  ‘jinkies christ’?”

Some of the tension drained away, lightening the air in the Mess Hall. “David wants me to stop swearing so much at camp,” he admitted, grinning. “Results so far have been . . . mixed.”

“If you’re not careful, that might catch on.”

Jasper’s heart leapt at the idea. “I have literally never wanted anything so badly in my entire life.” They fell silent again, though he made no move to pick the candle back up.

She nodded, picking up his airplane and inspecting it absently. “I -- might be bi?” she said uncertainly, gently scraping the excess wax off of the paper plane with her fingernail. “I don’t know for sure, so maybe not, but . . .”

Oh, fuck. This was a big moment. It was the kind of Big Moments David dreamed of, the kind he handled with so much more warm-heartedness than Jasper, who always sounded sarcastic when he tried to be nice; David would be so jealous he missed out, and he’d demand Jasper remember every detail (and not the ones about Gwen accidentally destroying his plane project), and would be so disappointed if he fucked this up . . .

Aaaand he’d been sitting here for like ten seconds not saying anything, like a dick. Fuck. “Hey, that’s cool!” he said, making her jump because he practically yelled it out of nowhere like a goddamn psycho. “I mean, welcome to the club!”

She didn’t make fun of him for being a massive goober, and for that he’d be eternally grateful. “But I should -- like,  know, right?” she asked, setting aside his slightly-mangled plane (and making him breathe a sigh of relief). “I feel like it’s one of those things that . . . people fucking know. Like you are or you aren’t, and you can tell.” 

“Not always,” he said, probably telling the truth but not really sure. Could he Google “how to help your friend come out without having a huge anxiety attack” without her noticing? “You hear about people who’re . . . y’know, super old and come out as gay or bi or trans or whatever. So I bet there are a lotta people like that.”

Could he just call David and have him talk her through this over the phone? Then he could do what he was actually good at: making paper airplanes -- he didn’t know how to do boats -- and coating them in wax, so that he could reenact the opening scene of It the next time it rained (hopefully minus the clowns and dismemberment).

“Yeah?” She looked a little bit less depressed than usual, and Jasper decided to take that as a win. The guidance counselor in high school who told him he’d be a “total nightmare for anyone who needed therapy and should never ever ever go into psychology” could suck it! He was great at this.

Probably.

As long as the conversation ended right now, before he had the chance to put his foot in his mouth.

“So did you just always know?” she asked after a moment.

Or not.

Jasper hadn’t started his day with the intention to have an involved conversation with his not-very-close coworker about his sexuality. But fuck if Camp Campbell wasn’t full of fun unexpected surprises. “I mean, I figured it out pretty early,” he said with a shrug. “There was this annoying little redheaded kid who wouldn’t leave me alone --” She snorted, making him smile. “-- and eventually he grew on me. And then I didn’t have to wonder if I liked boys, because I already . . . just sort of did.”

David had made it easy to come to terms with his sexuality, because he’d fallen for him before he’d had a chance to even question it.

It was always just him.

Keep Reading

[happys-crazy-queen22]

Fighting For The Life

Chapter 2 to Hell of a party. Hope you all enjoy.

Gif credit @fromthesixteenthfloor

@ilovetaquitosmmmm

Cocos P.O.V

Arriving at the hospital the doctor immediately took Riz and Dee to surgery.

Dee was screaming for you as you let her hand go. "I'm right here". You cried, pinching the bridge of your nose. Ez came up behind you laying his hand on your shoulder.

"She's going to be okay. We have the best doctors working on her". Ez spoke softly.

"I can't lose her man".

"You're not, she's a fighter and will kick ass to get to you". Ez chuckled which lightened the mood as you nodded.

"Mr. Cruz"? A nurse called you.

"Yeah, that's me".

"This is paperwork for you to fill out for your wife". She handed it to coco.

"Okay, how is she"?

"It's hard to say right now but the doctors are working quickly to get her better". The nurse smiled.

"Thanks". Coco sat on the bench his knee jumping up down. He clicked the pen over and over. Some what annoying Ez but he understood that he was scared of losing you.

"We have to find the fuckers that did this to my wife and brother". Coco sneered.

"We will. You can promise that".

Three hours have past and Coco was going crazy bouncing off the walls. He went to the nurses station every twenty minutes to see how you were doing.

"We don't have a update yet but when I do I will personally bring the doctor out to talk to you".

"Fine". He huffed jerking himself off the desk walking back to Ez.

"Can I get you something"? Ez asked.

"How's Riz"?

"I don't know. Angels with Shiloh right now. They don't know much". Ez signed.

"Mr. Cruz"?

"How is she"?

"Lets sit". He pointed to the bench.

"Tell me doc".

"Dee has lost all vision in both eyes do to the fragments of glass and bullet. She will not regain sight. She will need therapy and your help. I'm sorry".

"Holy shit". Ez was shocked. No one knew that it was this bad.

"Can..I...see her"? Coco choked on his words. He couldn't process that you wouldn't be able to see him anymore or if you had kids you wouldn't be able to see your beautiful kids.

"Yes, just don't be alarmed when you see her. She has been through a lot". The doctor told Coco. He followed the nurse into the room. The sight of you made him break down, falling to his knees at your bed side.

"Oh god". He grabbed your hand with his. Your life was going to be so different now and Johnny couldn't wait to get his hands on the ones that changed it.

Dees P.O.V

Next thing I know I wake up to the sound of beeping, what the hell? I tried opening my eyes only to be greeted by darkness again. "Coco? Baby?'' I said feeling for his hand only to come up empty. I can hear noises but where.... I reached up to touch my face but jumped when I felt hands on mine. "Don't touch baby they had to do surgery to get the glass out of your eyes. "I cant see. Where are you? What happened? Where's Shiloh and the others?" I said starting to panic. Me and Shiloh were always together hardly apart. "Coco? You still here?" I said feeling for his hand. I knew he was still here I can smell the mix of leather and cigarettes. Then again all the guys smelt like cigarettes. But my coco had a different smell like a old spice kind of smell if that made any sense... "Come on babe, this isn't funny. I can't fucking see, where are you I'm scared."

Shiloh's P.O.V

You didn't get to say goodbye to Dee as they rushed her away. Riz was taken to surgery right away. Angel held you tightly as you sobbed into his chest.

"He's going to be okay". Angel said over and over. You thought you had lost him already with the way he looked. It was frightening to see him that way. You always came up with a way he would have died when he came home late and didn't call. But this scene was not one of them enjoying a family party in his own back yard. Yeah the club had enemies but you never thought they would step in your life. First coming into your world and then taking away your sister and your husband. They had to be taken out.

"Mrs. Ariza"? The doctor came over to you. ]

"Yes". You sniffled.

"Your husband was shot in his lower abdomen, and it hit a artery some bullet fragments are lodged against his spine. We wont know anything until we open him up".

"Will he survive"?

"Its up to him. I say he has a fifty fifty chance".

"Will he be able to walk again"?

"That I can't say". He walked off leaving you devastated.

"What the hell am I going to do"? "I can't lose my sister and my husband in the same day". Your head fell into your hands sobbing.

"Ez just called me, Dees out of surgery but". Angel stopped.

"But? But what Angel"? You yelled at him.

"She's completely blind".

"What? No...no..no". You sobbed, your heart felt it could fall out of your chest and dry up and die.

Angel pulled you close. You could feel tears fall on your forehead.

"What happened"? You heard Taza behind Angel. "What's going on"?

"Riz is in surgery and they don't know if he'll walk again. Dees completely blind, Coco lost it and the cops have just arrived". Angel spoke as you couldn't form words. They both looked at the nurses desk where the sheriff just came in.

"I'll call Bishop, we'll stall them". He walked off getting on the phone.

"Miss"? A nurse came over to you handing you a clip board.

"Hey what's this"? Angel asked but as he read it he sighed a look sigh. It was a form for you to sign in case Riz seized do you want to bring him back.

"Shiloh, you may want to look at this". He handed you the paper.

"Are you fucking kidding me". You scoffed, walking over to the nurse. She was laughing with one of the other nurses. You reached over the desk, grabbing her by the shirt making her look at you.

"Is this a joke to you? My husband is in surgery and my sister will never see again and you're over here laughing. This form you can shove up your ass because if anything happens to him, you will be right behind him. Do you understand? Now find me a respectful doctor and get them down here, you little bitch". You pushed her away, a petrified look on her face as she ran off.

"Atta girl". Angel praised you. "You tell em". He said patting your back.

It took the nurse five minutes to find a doctor. She brought him straight to you, but quickly left without looking in your directions.

"So what is happening? My sisters husband said that he didn't have this kind of trouble getting information but I'm getting asshole nurses and shitty service". You explained.

"They have removed the fragments and stitching him up but we wont know if he'll be able to wall until he comes to".

"Okay, see that wasn't to hard. Thank you". Angel was laughing in the back as the doctor hurried away.

"Damn, Riz got lucky with you".

"He did, I just pray he's okay".

"He will be".

"It will kill him if can't ride anymore. Do you think Bishop is going to want him in the club anymore if he can't ride"?

"Hey, Riz is family and you don't turn your back on a brother. Riding or not, he will be a Mayan".

"But will he still be able to vote"?

"Yes, I'll make sure of it". Angel promised, you nodded.

"Mrs. Ariza"? The nurse must have sent another nurse to get her head bitten off.

"Yeah"?

"Your husband is out of surgery and is in the recovery room".

"Can I see him"?

"For a moment. I'll show you". You followed her to the room. You heard the ventilators they frightened you. Was he going to be able to breathe on his own?

"Riz, baby. I'm here". You held his cold hand. He looked weak and clammy. You didn't know what you would do if you lost him. You had your future to look forward to, you were not ready to let him go.

[randomlifeunit]

“Paralyzed”

Rated: Teen and up

Warnings: PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder)

Part: 7/?

Name.

Date of birth.

Address.

Phone number.

These questions, and those that followed, shouldn’t have caused Sean to break out in a sweat. C'mon, get it together, he chided himself, hoping his dad didn’t notice his discomfort as he began to fill out the paperwork at the therapist’s office. Insecurity made him check his answers over twice, asking his dad for help with a couple of questions. He stood, handing the clipboard back to the receptionist, hoping he had done everything correctly.

Next came the waiting. He hated waiting. His toe tapped the floor and he blew the hair out of his eyes in aggravation. Grabbing his cell phone, he played a mindless game he could barely focus on.

“You still sure you want me here with you?” Dennis broke the silence, gently. “Because it’s all right if you’d rather do this alone.”

“No, no—I mean, I really do want you with me,” Sean hurriedly answered, feeling flustered.

“Sean Reynolds?” a female voice suddenly called, and for a split second, he was back in that dark room, cowering, while the police officer called his name. He felt slightly off-balance as he stood uncertainly, his dad falling into step next to him as he followed the therapist to her office. Dread settled into the pit of his stomach.

“My name is Emma Hanson,” the therapist introduced herself, exchanging pleasantries with father and son. Sean felt his stomach lurch when she asked, “What brings you to my office today?” Sweat break out across his forehead as her gaze centered on him. I don’t know if I can do this, he thought, averting his eyes. He took a few breaths to steady his nerves, and then opened his mouth.

“Um..something happened…happened to me,” he began as he looked down, unsure of what to say. “And…uh…I feel like I need some help getting better.” The words felt lame as they slipped out of his mouth. His cheeks warmed slightly.

“All right, well, I’m glad you’re here,” she smiled, taking in both of them with her gaze. “Do you want to tell me a little more about it?” she prompted Sean expectantly.

As he tried to think where to start, the memories again began to flash in Sean’s mind, tumbling over one another. He felt a tremor starting in one hand. No, no, not now, he thought as he felt panic beginning to seize his chest. He breathed deeply, trying to hold back the tide of anxiety rising.

Dennis cleared his throat and gave Sean’s shoulder a squeeze, leaning over to catch his eye. “Son, would it be okay if I started for you?”

Sean nodded a little too vigorously, feeling foolish. He clasped his hands together tightly and tried to breathe normally, looking down at the floor.

“Two months ago,” Dennis began, “my son was kidnapped and brutally assaulted. We’re here to try to work through the aftermath of that.”

Sean was grateful his dad had spelled it out so concisely, but at the same time, shame filled him at hearing the words. He wasn’t sure why. Maybe he should have been able to say it. It’s not that hard, he thought. I can say something. I'm going to say something.

“I’m not sleeping well,” he began quietly, trying to be brave. “I haven’t…I can’t…go back to school. Or work. I’m just…stuck.” His mouth snapped shut, feeling the embarrassment creeping up his neck.

“I’m sure that’s really difficult for you,” his therapist sympathized, then stated confidently, “We can work on that”. Sean wished he could feel reassured by her words. She talked some more with both of them, getting more details, and asked whether they had spoken to Sean’s doctor about his anxiety and sleeping difficulties. “No,” Sean answered, but his father countered with “Yes.” Sean’s head snapped up as he looked at his dad questioningly. Dennis gave him an apologetic smile. “I could tell you were feeling uncomfortable about the doctor’s office,” he explained cautiously. “But I needed to get some advice about how to help you. The nurse said usually medication and therapy were the options in this case, so I thought maybe we’d start here.”

Sean knew his dad was just trying to help, but he couldn’t stop himself from feeling like he had gone behind his back. He felt intensely angry, like he was being singled out as some crazy person who needed to be in a mental hospital. He stood abruptly. “I’ll wait for you in the car” was all he said to his father through tight lips as he escaped out of the room, feeling like the walls were closing in on him.

In the empty hallway, he stopped and leaned against the wall, his breath coming in gasps. His heart beat in his chest, to the time of the memory echoing in his head: Don’t move. Don’t move. He covered his ears and squeezed his eyes shut.

Soon he felt his father’s arm come around him, and he felt tears being wiped away that he didn’t realize were there. “Son, I’m so sorry,” Dennis said softly. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I only wanted to help.”

Sean felt his breath catch as the words began to sink in. He realized he was overreacting, badly. He covered his face with his hands and said very softly, “I’m sorry, Dad. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

Dennis pulled him aside to some chairs and sat down next to him. “I’ll tell you what, Son, how about you go relax out in the car after all, and I talk to the therapist? Would that be all right with you? I don’t need to give her any more details about what happened if you don’t want me to, but maybe she and I could talk about what might help you best right now? If you’d rather not though, we can just leave.”

Sean closed his eyes and thought for a moment, blowing out the breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding.

“Yeah…yeah, that…that sounds okay. I think I’ll…just wait out in the car.”

“All right.” Dennis smiled gently. “Just text me if you start to feel uncomfortable, or if you want to go home.”

“Okay,” Sean said as he stood. “See you in a bit.”

He trudged out of the building and got into the car, sitting down heavily and sighing. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he tried to shake the feeling of embarrassment at the scene he’d just made. He couldn’t help but wonder what his dad and the therapist were discussing.

[dammitadolfnomorecake]

Caramel Skin Under A Red and Green Cloud - prt 2

Lance's mother was sitting at the table when Lance and Keith finally entered the kitchen. His older brother Marco was arranging ice in an esky, while his father was sitting to the left of Lance's mother cutting up an ungodly amount of tomatoes. Clearing his throat, both Lance's parents looked up them "Lance!" Abandoning the ice at the same time as Lance abandoned his hand, Marco swept Lance up into a hug that would rival one of Hunk's "Hey, Marco" "Mami told me you were coming home! Look at you! You've gotten even taller" Swapping from a hug to a headlock, Marco wrestled with Lance playfully "I'm not too sure I have... It's good to see you... argh!"

Screeching, Lance detached from his brother, fishing out an iceblock from down the back of his shirt. Laughing, Lance pegged the ice right in the middle of Marco's forehead. His older brother jerking back in surprise when it hit "Will you two stop it! Marco, take the ice outside. Your father and I need to talk to Lance and Keith" "Ooooh, someone's in trouble" Rolling his eyes, Lance nodded "Only slightly more than usual. Where's Rachel?" Marco backtracked to heft the esky up onto his shoulder. Keith finding it kind of impressive the man was strong enough to "She's around somewhere. What did you do wrong?" "No. I did something right for a change. I'm sure you'll hear all about it soon" Replying with a sing-song tone, Lance hugged his brother again before moving to throw himself down in the chair next to his father "Keith, come sit down already"

Staring at Lance and his parents, Keith didn't move from the doorway. He felt like he was in a twilight zone. Lance's mood had flipped from scared to happy all over again... Cocking his head, his husband raised an eyebrow "Babe? Marco needs to get past" "I married Lance! I'm sorry we didn't tell you!" Groaning, Lance buried his face in his hands. The knife in his father's hand slipping out to fall to the floor, while Marco started laughing "Oh my god. Lance, bro... good luck with this one"

Rising from his chair, Lance walked over and grabbed him by the hand, towing him over to the seat he'd been in and pushing him down, before walking around to the table to sit opposite. Marco making himself scarce as Keith bit his lip. Retrieving the knife off the floor, Keith wondered if he should be scared at the way Lance's father was holding it "You two got married? You married my son, and didn't think to tell us, ask us, or invite us" "Yes?"

Squeaking his reply out, Keith felt sure that the knife in the man's hand was going to come flying at him. Fixing his gaze on Lance, he silently pled for his husband to say something "How did this happen?" "I... we... uh..." English. He just had to speak English, but fuck if it wasn't failing him right now "Well, Keith?" In Lance's words "oh, Dios...". Lance had said he'd understand. So why did it seem like he wanted to kill him?

Across the table, Lance started to shake before starting to laugh, his mother soon giggling. Placing the knife down, a smile formed on Lance's father's lips "You're... messing with me, aren't you?" "Maybe a tad" Letting out a whoosh of held breath, Keith felt drained. Reaching over, Lance's mother patted her husband's arm "Now, dear. Stop interrogating the poor boy. You knew they were dating" "You didn't tell me they were married, dear" "I didn't know. Our son neglected to tell me about the biggest day of his life"

Turning their gaze to Lance, Lance held his hands up in surrender "It was a complete accident. We didn't even know we were married until like two m-weeks later. You see, it all started with this princess..." Lance's father groaned "It's not like that. We were having dinner with the princess and the Queen of Daehra and Lucteal's homeworld. See, Annla was sold off to this super bad dude..." Lance's mother looked at Keith. Keith's mouth twitching into something he hoped was smile like "Keith, can you please translate for us? Lance does tend to get carried away" "I do not! I'm setting the scene. Babe, help me out here. We were having dinner with the Queen and with Annla. She's like 8 and would give Veronica a run for her money when it comes to being headstrong. She's got the silkiest blue hair... and..." "Babe, you're rambling" Sighing loudly, Lance glared daggers at him as he slouched down in his chair "Fine. You can tell your new parents-in-law. I'll just stay over here"

He hadn't meant to hurt his husband's feelings... He knew Lance was nervous enough about all of this... but he'd just been laughing... "I'm not saying don't give them all the details, but maybe a photo of Annla would explain how cute she is better?" Shooting up, Lance slammed his hands on the table "Did you just say a kid was cute?" Reaching a hand up, Keith scratched the back of his head "She's alright for a kid" "Wow..."

"Boys. Please. I missed seeing my youngest wed. Details. Now"

Slumping back down, Lance sighed "Sorry mami. But it's kind of important. Over dinner, we had a few drinks and Annla's the kind of kid you can't say no to. So we agreed to her wanting to show us her favourite place, which turned out to be this yellow cathedral set in a cave. Her people live underground you see..." Lance's mother cleared her throat, Lance taking this to mean he should get on with it, Lance promptly launching into near double speed "Annla wants to be like a priest to her people, and she said her favourite thing was the union ceremony. Basically, you drink this really awful church wine while standing in this gold circle, repeat some words and offer prayers, add a little spice to it, then when the ceremony is done, she gives you a token to prove its legitimacy. So we had no idea that any royal family member could perform the ceremony. We didn't even know it was a thing until Daehra was talking about it at Shay and Hunk's engagement party. Because we were still trying to work us out, we decided to kind of ignore it and make a joke of being "accidental husbands". Because there was so much to work out and there still is. Anyway. That's basically how we accidentally got married. I love Keith, and Keith's done a lot for me. And I wanted to tell you both together, but then Sara was being mean to Keith, and he's like... the most amazing man ever... and like... so what if we're married? Because it's something we both want for us and I've known him for like 8 years now including at the Garrison... and he's honestly the only reason I'm still alive..."

It was Keith's turn to groan. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he couldn't deny any of that, though Lance had spoken so fast he wasn't sure if his husband's parents understood any of it "Babe... too fast" "Mami wanted me to hurry up..." Raising her hand, Lance's mother was clearly a pro at handling her son "It's alright Keith. I understand now. You two didn't plan this at all" Keith shook his head, taking a deep breath as he looked to the woman "No. And we're sorry we hid it. We wanted to get to a comfortable stage in our relationship and like said, we went through a lot. We didn't think people would be able to keep what we went through separate from something like a wedding"

Lance's parents exchanged a look, his father taking on a more serious expression than Keith was comfortable with "Keith, we're not discouraging your relationship with our son. And we will forever be grateful for how you were there after Allura's death. We just need to know if you know about Lance's mental health problems..." Did they think Lance wasn't in the right mind to be making choices this big? Or did they think that the wedding only counted because both he and Keith wanted it... He'd never had the sit down with both parents chat before "Papi!" Lance's father shook his head, looking out of his depth and not sure how to go about things "It's not that we aren't happy for both of you..." "Papi. Stop. Keith knows" "You said you were married by accident. I want Keith to know..." To know what? What was with the sudden turn in the conversation "No, papi! He knows all of it. Ok. This is why I was worried about coming back. I'm in therapy, ok? I got tortured, Keith turned up. Keith helped me up, we both ended up getting roughed up and then Shiro saved us! I'm not having this turn into how it was when I was home. I'm not letting myself tear this family apart again... Ok... things are different now..."

Lance worried his bottom lip as he looked to his hands, before releasing his lip as he looked up. Internally Keith was cringing at the way Lance nearly yelled about them being hurt "I'm doing better. Better than I have been since Allura died. And that's because Keith is with me, and hasn't given up on me" Reaching over, Lance's mother took Lance's left hand into hers "Lance... You didn't tear the family apart.  We didn't know how to help you, mijo. We didn't understand how to get through to you. You shut yourself off from all of us. We all love you. And we all understand it wasn't easy for you. For any of you. You were our precious children sent into space to fight a war you knew nothing about. We were so relieved to know you were alive, then you lost Allura and it was like we lost you too... What your father and I are trying to say is that if you're saying Keith is your husband because you're not confident in your relationship lasting, then perhaps it's better to think of it as dating until everyone else's opinions no longer matter. You're our son, mijo. Our little Lance. Grow together, learn from each other, and most of all, don't close yourself off from each other. We are so proud of you"

Lance grew teary as Keith felt the slight wave of anger he didn't know that had been building slip away. They were worried for both of them, and they were both trying to say they didn't have the answers when it came to how to handle the trauma of them fighting for the universe repeatedly.

"I didn't shut myself off. I didn't know what to do. Everything reminded me of her. I was seeing her all the time. And no matter what I did, she never came back... When you spend so long out there... peace is... peace is scarier than fighting Galra, or whatever else is out there" Lance's mother squeezed his hand "We're happy to have you home. Both of you. Why don't you show Keith around the farm? Who knows, someday you might even hold a ceremony here with all your friends?" Lance nodded, taking the out "Thanks, mami. Thanks, papi. I'm... I'm sorry for being so blunt. I love Keith, and I've been nervous about everyone knowing. But for us, our wedding is as real as any. It might have been an accident, but it's kind of very us... Two halves of the same idiot..." Keith smiled across at his husband "Yeah. I know this is a little late, but I swear I'll do everything I can to be by his side. We're both working hard on things from the past. Lance is in therapy, and I'm starting soon. I don't know if he ever told you, but I was in the foster system and while I was... I met a lot of people going through things Lance has been going through. It's not easy. Sometimes I want to strangle him. But it's kind of mutual... Like he said, we've been called "two halves of the same idiot"... I'm sorry, I'm not good with words like he is" Completely off-topic, Lance threw in "Keith's amazing with a knife. Honestly, it's kind of scary and hot at the same time. He's also not bad with his hands" "Okay boys, that's enough. I'm assuming neither of you needs to have "the talk"" Lance wrinkled his nose at his mother "No. Noooope. No. Ok, Keith and I are going far away now. Don't forget to introduce papi to his new daughter-in-law while you're at it. Acxa is probably feeling lost right now, especially with Keith off with me"

"Acxa? Why does that name sound so familiar" Hitting her husband lightly upside the back of the head, Lance's mother scolded the man "Acxa is the lovely young Galra girl dating our Veronica. I've told you this more than once. Poor dear. She's probably terrified to mention anything around the aunties" Shooting up in his seat, Keith realised something a little late. Bewildered, Lance jerked back from the table and his mother's touch "Babe?" "We left Zethrid and Ezor there. They're dating... Acxa's bi and Daehra and Lucteal are empaths..." "Oh... oh! Sorry, mami, sorry Papi... we'd better go check on our teams..." "No, no. Darling. Go ahead. Let Acxa know she's welcome to come up to the house if she needs a break" "Thanks! Keith, we should go... but we still want to talk with both of you... about stuff..." "That's fine. But don't forget, this is your home. You're home to relax" "We will. We'll be back soon"

Heading out the kitchen, Lance was jogging through the house while Keith followed at a slower pace, distracted by the photos on the wall. Most looked damaged, probably from the invasion, but Keith couldn't help but stare. In all of them, Lance looked ridiculously young and uncoordinated. His goofy smile wide as he hung off one of his siblings... but his eyes... in half of them Lance's smile didn't reach his eyes. The thought of Lance's childhood being anything but happy resonated deep inside of him. Lance was determined to make this a Christmas to remember for him and their teams, yet all Keith could think about right then was that he wanted to give his husband the best Christmas of his life. Having come to a stop without meaning, he was jolted from his thoughts by Lance yelling at him to hurry up. Yeah. It was settled. He'd keep his temper no matter what happened, and make their first Christmas as a couple... a married couple, the best of Lance's life.

* The marquee had still been standing when they reached it. Both their teams had been saved by Lisa and Marco, and a third guy who could only be Luis. The unusual group had caught the attention of the kids, while the adults seemed warier. Grabbing his hand, Lance was off tugging him along again as they made their way straight over to the group "Hey, guys. Please tell me nothing happened while we were gone?" "Lance! You never told me you had such charming relatives" Daehra was a natural with children, but Nadia and Sylvio both seemed more interested in Lucteal. Zak seemed ready to run, while Tobias was nursing a loaded plate of food "Sorry. Lisa did introductions right?" Raising her hand, Lisa blended right in with Lance's family... which was a stupid thought given she was Lance's family "Lisa is right here, Lance. And yes, I did. Unlike you. Keith, I'm Lisa. I'm married to Luis. Nadia and Sylvio are our children. Our toddler isn't here yet, she had a fever so she's at home with my parents. They'll be here later.  Uncle Lance, you're slipping" "I'm sorry. How are my babies?" "Kaltenecker is perfectly fine. My babies are too. Sylvio has been excited to show his Uncle the scar from where he broke his arm" "Oh man, I'm like worst the uncle ever. I had to explain the married thing to mami and papi... She had papi murdering the tomatoes again. We're going to take a tour of the farm, do you want us to take the kids with us?" "You can take the kids and leave Keith with us. I think it's time we had a word on his intentions towards our brother"

Keith wasn't sure he could take them messing with him as Lance's father had. He didn't know what he was supposed to call the man. Papi... seemed too intimate... He hadn't even introduced himself to Lance's family... He wasn't going too well at proving himself worthy of Lance. Kissing his cheek, Lance staked his ground "You guys leave him alone. He's under mami's protection. So is Acxa. Now, give me my niece and nephew. They can help show me around. It's been so long since I was last home" "You're the one who decided to stay in space" "Yep. I've got a job and everything out there. Being all responsible" Luis and Marco snickered, Lance pouting "Come on guys. Really? Rachel is already going to rip me to shreds. Can't you pretend you love your baby brother a little longer?" "Nope. That's Keith's job now. Keith, make sure the kids behave. Including that one hanging off your arm"

Glancing down, Keith hadn't realised there was a kid hanging off his arm. The half-Galra's cheeks reddening when he realised the child they meant was Lance. Laughing, Marco shook his head at him "You got a good one there" Luis following up with "For the man who led Earth to victory, he's so much like Lance it's painful. Nadia, Sylvio, come take your uncle's and their friends on a tour of the farm"

If the ground could open up and swallow him, Keith would be eternally grateful. Releasing his hold, Lance drew himself to full height though failed to look scary or intimidating "I'm telling mami. You might be bigger and taller than her, but that won't stop her with her slipper" Keith swore Marco shuddered at the thought "Yeah. That's right. Sylvio, come show me your new scar. I want to hear all about how it happened"

Letting Lance and the members of both teams move ahead of them, Lance was swept up talking to his niece and nephew about Sylvio breaking his arm. Keith enjoying the gentle way Lance interacted with the children. Though he didn't like the way Allura had gone about changing Lance's body, he could understand why she wanted Lance to have the ability to carry children. He was a natural with them, and they were bringing out Lance's better side. Falling into step beside Acxa, Keith took her by the arm, startling the woman that was like a sister to him "Can we talk for a dobosh?" Wrinkling her brow, Acxa seemed confused "What is it? Did Krolia send a message?" "No. I... wanted to know if you're ok?" It felt awkward to ask. He wasn't sure if it was the best question to be asking "Are you alright?"

Keith couldn't blame Acxa for asking. Sure they talked on Daibazaal but that mostly about work. Here he was, singling her out "Yeah. I mean, it's pretty hard knowing that some of Lance's family won't accept our relationship. That's why I wanted to know if you're ok" Acxa hung her head "I don't know. I don't want Veronica to be hurt, or forced to choose between sides" Keith nodded in sympathy "I know what you mean. I feel the same way. His parents love both of us, but when we leave, they'll still all be together" "Right? I'm starting to feel like I shouldn't have come" "No. Lance's mum and dad were super happy to have you here. Especially his mother. His dad... He did the full "what are your intentions with my boy", and scared the quiznak out of me, only for him to be messing around the whole time. I thought he was going to stab me"

Acxa's head shot up in alarm, Keith regretting telling her that instantly "You did?" "Yeah. But you know, we're practically like brother and sister as is it. And... we both know how hard is to not have a family. That's why I wanted to say that if you need someone to talk to, I'm here" "Thanks, Keith... but you've got Lance. I don't even know if Veronica told her family were dating, outside of her mother" "Veronica is headstrong and scary. She's not the kind of woman who'd take entering a relationship lightly. She chose you because she wants you. She wanted you to meet her family, and for them to get to know her girlfriend. It's scary as hell though. I feel like fighting a hundred sentries would be less nerve-wracking, but the only way to get over these nerves are to face them"

Acxa remained silent for a few ticks before looking him in the eye "Why didn't you tell me you and Lance were wed?" Keith shifted uncomfortably. It was a fair question "Because we're still working it all out. You saw how nervous he was on Daibazaal. And we had to have that meeting with the guard he accidentally attacked because of his PTS. Kre'el had Galra working for her, and they tortured him. It took phoebs for him to come out of that mentally. He finally admitted he couldn't do it alone and handed over the mission to Shiro after Kre'el passed because he didn't want to be shackled down by the past anymore. We were going to say we were dating, but apparently, Great Aunt Sara said something insulting and Lance wasn't standing for it. I imagine Veronica would be exactly the same when it comes to you. It wasn't personal, and it wasn't because I don't trust you. It was because we both needed to find our feet" "Then why aren't you moving in with him and leaving the Blades? If you want to be together so much?"

They'd decided on a decaphoeb. They were both going to transition their jobs over the next decaphoeb and then try living together full time. Keith had tried explaining it, but Ezor called it a "bore" "He needs his job, and I still need mine. I was prepared to do that. To walk away. It was him who helped me realise how much I still needed to grow. I feel like right now he's the one who'd be accepted by Black if he came back. He moved on and kept walking, while I feel like I've stalled. I still have things I want to do with you guys, and we'll be based out his outpost between mission. We've been together for so long, but I still don't know all that much about any of you. Not like I should. Lance knows his team inside out. I'm terrible at talking and asking what I want to know. I feel like if you wanted me to know, you'd tell me. But how are you supposed to know what to tell me if I don't ask? I want to be a better team leader, Acxa"

Acxa fell silent again, the pair of them resuming their following of the group. Letting a few long moments pass, Acxa finally replied "You're a good team leader. You care a lot for others. You do lack in patience, and you can be quite stubborn over a mission. You like to have things your own way, and act far too recklessly. Or, rather, you did. If you are recognising what you're lacking, then you've started growing. It's different for us Galra. We are taught to banish all weakness from our minds, but I think it's your weaknesses that help you grow. Lance is good for you. I don't know what he's been through, but I do know he's hurting. Yet he tries his hardest not to let it show. That's seen as true strength" "I don't feel like I've grown" "You have. You are more patient and prepared to listen. This isn't the first time you've asked if I'm alright, but it is the first time in a long time I feel like you're going out of your way to show that you do care. Showing such emotions doesn't come naturally to you, and we don't expect it from you. We know you care... it's just nice to hear it in words" Keith shot Acxa a smile "I do care. You're practically my sister. You will kind of be my sister when you marry Veronica. So from one half-Galra to another, let's stick together?" "It sounds like a plan. Do you really think Veronica's parents like me? I haven't spoken to them much" "Yeah. His mum can be fierce, but that's because she loves her kids so much. She wants you to use the house whenever anything gets too much. I haven't talked to his dad all that much. Veronica and I had a small fight over Lance. Rachel gets on my nerves but his older brothers seem nice enough" "Veronica told me. She's upset because she can't get through to Lance how much she loves him" "He knows she loves him. He just wants her to see him for what he's managed to accomplish... It's kind of scary how much he has accomplished" "She was impressed by the work he and Coran put together. She wasn't so impressed over Kre'el. Especially not being allowed to watch Lance speak with her"

Letting out a soft sigh. That was too complicated to go into "Basically, he wanted to protect her from listening to how he was tortured. He went through a lot out there, and he didn't want Veronica hurting over what had happened when it wouldn't change anything. When we first reconnected, Veronica was the only person Lance was willingly talking to. Everyone else had turned their backs on him. He believes no one would care if he died, given none of us had talked to him personally in movements. We had a mission, so it'd been a few phoebs since we'd talked properly. I know they're close and I'm hoping Lance will reach out to her now that he's back here" "Veronica would like that. Speaking of Kre'el, has Lance decided where to bury her body?"

Lance hadn't wanted to cremate Kre'el. It was too much like Allura for him to be able to handle. Too much like erasing her existence permanently. Kre'el's preserved body was instead in a sealed coffin upon the Telula. Keith having been the one to make the call to Lance's parents because Lance had started shaking too hard to hold the comms. With his boyfriend in his lap, Keith had explained that a friend had died and they'd like to bury her on Earth. Sympathetically Lance's mother had agreed. Lance wanted to bury Kre'el on some hill on the property, but that was another day's job. Lance had admitted to him that he wasn't mentally up for returning to Earth and burying his ex-friend on the same day. Which Keith took as progress. Talking wasn't always easy, but Lance was getting better acknowledging he couldn't do everything at once... despite how much he may wish to

"I'm not sure where he wants to buy her yet. He's still grieving her in his own way. This whole thing has been harder than I could have imagined. She was simply protesting the lions, and then she ended up running an organ farm. I don't know how that happens. We decided to bury her tomorrow, so she'll be resting before Christmas" "If you need any help, we'll be happy to help" Keith nodded because without being led by Lance, he wasn't sure what to do "We won't be offended if Lance feels he needs to do this alone. He has a tenacious spirit. We always thought him the weakest of the Paladins. That's why Lotor wanted to segregate him and found him lacking..."

They rarely talked about Lotor anymore. Keith's expression turning to disgust at his name "Lotor found him lacking?" "He was frustrated that Lance liked Allura, and that Lance kept his distance. He was annoyed that he couldn't win him over, so constantly sought out small ways to push him further from the group" "You didn't tell me this" Acxa kicked at the ground with the toe of her boot "I wasn't proud of what we did while following him" "Lance didn't have the best time on the castle. Not with Kuron" "No. Physical and verbal violence was what Lotor reported. Still, Lance tried his hardest to keep the peace. Lotor reported how Lance would regularly wander past your old chambers, though how much of those reports were a cover for the time he was spending with Allura, is open for speculation" "Sometimes I wonder if it'd be better to seek out another space whale and spend two years on it with Lance. Or if connecting the pair of us to an Altean mind meld machine would finally give me the answers on how to help him better" "I wonder too. About connecting with Veronica. There are things that are hard to explain, and things from Earth that I don't know" "You can ask me. About things on Earth, or Lance. He'd be happy to answer" "I want Veronica to explain, but she apologised and changes the topic" Keith filed that information away for when he'd finally get to that talk with Veronica "Lance does that too. They have no idea how frustrating it is" Acxa let out a giggle "No. They don't. We do certainly choose tough people to love" "Yeah... That's what makes it worth it. I'm sorry if I end up being distracted by Lance. He wants us all to have the best Christmas ever, but I want to make it extra special for him. He wrote up these plans on how to survive Christmas and everything. It makes me want to want to burn them and run away" Acxa let out a soft sigh, deflating at Keith's joke "At least Lance is here. Veronica is working. How am I supposed to celebrate without her?" Acting on what he'd do for Lance, Keith gave Acxa an awkward one arm hug that lasted for a few very awkward ticks "You have all of us. It's not the same, but in a weird way that only makes sense to us, we're all family" "This is true. Thank you for being my brother" "And thank you for being my sister... You were the second one I had, Pidge would shoot me if I didn't say her first. But you're like the first legal one" Acxa giggled as she perked back up "This new Keith is going to take some time to get used to. I think I'm going to be good friends with him" "Keep this up and I'll make Kosmo come find you after he finds something dead to roll in" Acxa scrunched her nose up "Nope. You're the same old Keith. As mean as always. At least your husband is nice. I'm going to go talk to him"

Ahead of them the kids, and Lance had led them up to a pigpen. Lance talking excitedly as he held a less than impressed pig for Lucteal to stroke "Don't let it bite you. Pigs eat people too" Acxa looked mortified, exactly what Keith was going for. What was the point of having siblings if you could tease them?

[ahiddenpath]

After August Preview

Hey babes!

As you know, I’ve been working on After August for the Digimon All-Star Big Bang.  The time has come for me to post a preview for you loves!  So please enjoy the entire first scene below the cut!

Please let me know what you think!  (Sorry I couldn’t get the paragraph indentation to migrate over, though XD).

After August

Our Fear (Chapter 1 of 10)

Sora and Yamato walked in silence, moving from Odaiba Kaihin Koen to the apartment complex where Koushiro lived.  Although their adventures in the Digital World had spanned months, only a few days had passed on Earth.  It seemed impossible, almost mind-breaking, but it was still summer break, and the heat was oppressive.  The ambient moisture was so great that passing through it almost felt like swimming.

The sun hung high and lidless in the sky, burning against a pale blue background dotted with sluggish clouds.  Despite the weather, children ran along the sidewalks, calling to one another.  In the distance, sunbathing bodies lined the strip of sand between the many buildings of Odaiba and Tokyo Bay.  The statue of liberty replica stood tall, a dark silhouette in front of the Rainbow Bridge.  Sora had lived here for years, but these landmarks were so foreign and strange now.  Frowning, she looked down, needing the comfort of Piyomon’s sparkling eyes and constant smile.  

There was nothing there but cement and her sneakers.  

For a moment, Sora felt nothing but bemused shock.  Then the pain came, rushing from her heart to the rest of her body, like poison borne in her blood.  She and Piyomon had said their farewells four days ago, and still, Sora kept expecting her partner to be by her side.  Being without her was like the sudden loss of a limb, complete with phantom pains that she couldn’t articulate.

Sora swallowed hard, fighting the urge to cry.  At night, she usually couldn’t help it; sleeping alone was desolate after cuddling with Piyomon for so long.  Still, Sora knew that Piyomon wanted her to live well, so she tried to be brave.  If she forced enough smiles, maybe they would become authentic.

“Sora,” Yamato said, and she looked up, drawn to her name.  Sapphire eyes met hers, as multifaceted as an actual gemstone.  The humor that lit them on his good days was gone, leaving them complex and stormy.

Yamato tsked, sighed, then looked away.  “I keep doing it, too.  I’ve been waiting for Gabumon to say something about how he can smell Tokyo Bay, or how it’s too hot.  And then…”

The sentence trailed off, and Yamato shoved his hands in his pockets, scowling at the sidewalk.  Sora’s fake smile wavered, then crumbled.  “Then you remember,” she whispered.  Yamato nodded, but said nothing.  Suddenly, the air was heavier and harder to breathe than ever.

Sora wiped her eyes, no longer caring about hiding her tears.  “It’s good to remember.  It’s good to think of them.”  This time, when Yamato offered no response, she joined in the silence.

It was good to remember, but that didn’t make it easy.

*~*~*~*~*          

Sora knocked on the Izumi’s front door.  Kae, Koushiro’s mother, answered, and a smile lit her face.  “Ah, Sora-chan, welcome!  And…  Yamato-kun, right?”

Since Sora and Koushiro were once in the same soccer club with Taichi, Kae recognized her, but Yamato was a newer addition to Koushiro’s life. From Kae’s perspective, her son had only known him for a few days, although in reality- Koushiro’s reality, at least- they had spent months traveling together.  Sora’s mind reeled.  Keeping track of two worlds with different timelines was enough to drive anyone nuts.

After Yamato confirmed, Kae said, “I’m so glad you visited.  It can be hard to tell with Koushiro, but…  He seems down, and he’s been working so much on his computer. I’ve asked him to rest, but could you please tell him, too?  The message might be stronger coming from more people.”

Sora bent, hiding her worried eyes under the guise of removing her shoes.  “We’ll tell him.”

“Thank you.  His room is down the hall.  I’ll make you kids some snacks.”

Yamato twitched, and the sadness building within Sora amplified.  Although she couldn’t see his face, his tense voice betrayed his feelings.  “T-that’s okay.  You don’t need to-”

“It’s no trouble,” Kae replied, cutting him off. “Please, come visit any time.” Perhaps Kae sensed that Yamato was flustered, because she retreated into the cool, quiet apartment, giving them space.

When she was out of sight, Sora whispered, “Izumi-san is nice.  She always offers snacks to Koushiro-kun’s friends.”  Yamato’s only response was a distracted scowl.  Sora wished she knew how to comfort him, but what could she do?  Given Yamato’s family situation, receiving such kind attention from a friend’s mother was a reminder of what he didn’t have.

Yamato led the way down the hall, ignoring the tidy living room and hurrying past the kitchen, where Kae was working.  He paused before a door bearing a blue sign with Koushiro’s name and knocked.  “Come in,” Koushiro called, so he opened the door.

Although it was a bright summer day, Koushiro’s bedroom was dim.  Blinds covered the window above his desk, where worked on his desktop computer with his laptop open at his elbow.  A twin bed with a blue comforter was next to the desk, with a bulletin board above the headboard.  Book shelves stuffed with massive texts on math, science, and computers lined the opposite wall.  A neat stack of papers waited on the empty side of the desk, stationed next to a framed photograph.

Sora’s heart skipped a beat.  Although the photo was her reason for visiting, she suddenly couldn’t bring herself to look at it.  Instead, she focused on Koushiro, who still hadn’t looked away from his monitor.

Yamato stood over Koushiro and peered at his face.  “How long have you been working?  You’ve got bags under your eyes.  It’s summer break.  Rest.”

Koushiro rotated his desk chair until he faced them.  “I’m fine.  I have your prints.”  The slightest hint of annoyance colored his voice, and Sora smiled.  That tone was usually reserved for Taichi, someone Koushiro was willing to drop his consummate politeness around.  It was nice to see him open up more with the others.

Yamato opened his mouth to argue, but Sora reached for the photos, cutting him off. “Thank you for printing them and sending us the files.”  Her voice sounded normal, but her hands shook as she picked up two copies of the group photograph the Chosen took with the digimon just before returning home.

“It’s no trouble,” Koushiro said, and Sora smiled when she recognized the phrasing, and even his way of speaking it, from his mother.  “Honestly, my motives might be selfish.”

Sora handed a copy off to Yamato and tipped her head.  “How’s that?”

Koushiro’s fist rose to his chin.  His forehead indented with what she thought of as ‘Koushiro’s thinking lines.’ “It’s grounding,” he said at last. “Seeing the Chosen in my normal environment after… everything.”

Yamato released a breath in a long sigh.  “I think I know what you mean.  Takeru keeps calling me, normally to ask if I remember this or that happening in the Digital World.”

The furrows on Koushiro’s brow deepened with concern.  “What do you mean?  Is he already forgetting things?”

“No, it’s…  It’s more like…  It’s hard to describe, but I think he’s trying to confirm that everything… actually happened.”

Sora’s hand rose to her heart, rubbing at its sudden ache.  “Oh, Yamato.  Do you think he could spend a few days with you?  It is summer break.”

Yamato stepped back, and in an instant, a wall seemed to form between him and the others. With an impassive expression, he said, “I’ll ask.  I don’t know if mom will let him.”

“Oh,” Sora murmured.  What else was there to say?  Desperate to change the subject, she turned to Koushiro and asked, “How’s Eimi-chan?”

Koushiro looked from Yamato to Sora, likely trying and failing to follow the conversation’s emotional undercurrents.  “Er-  It can be hard to tell.  She’s either at the doctor or napping right now.”  He paused, and his glance slid down to his lap as his shoulders slumped. “The damage to her hands was heavy, but she’s expected to make a full recovery with physical therapy.  There will likely be some scarring, however.”

Sora wanted to respond, but her head was heavy and foggy.  Her heart searched so desperately for the digimon, but all she found was pain, both for herself and her comrades.  She wouldn’t trade her time as a Chosen for anything, and yet…  In her worst moments, with everyone’s suffering beating around her, she couldn’t help but wonder if the damage was too great to bear.

    “Damn it.”  Yamato rubbed his face with his palms.  “Keep an eye on her, will you?  Call someone if you’re in over your head with her.”

Koushiro probably tried his best- that was in his nature- but his smile was stiff.  “I usually am.  Frankly, I’m concerned about her.  She fell apart when she saw the photograph, and Mimi-san did the same when she came for her copy.”  He blinked up at them, and for the first time, Sora truly saw the fatigue clouding his eyes, which were usually so alert and sharp.  “Thank goodness Eimi was with me at the time.  I had no idea what to do to calm Mimi-san.”

“She’s been struggling so much,” Sora said.  “Mimi-chan has called me almost every day since then. She’s so upfront about how she’s feeling, but…  I haven’t heard much from the others.”

Yamato took a seat on Koushiro’s bed, frowning at the floor.  “It’s not an easy thing to talk about.”

“That’s true,” Sora allowed, “but…  I don’t know.  I was thinking…  Maybe we should all get together?  Kind of like a support group.”

A long pause followed, and Sora glanced at the boys, trying to gauge their reaction. Yamato’s body language was tense and closed off, with his arms crossed and his eyes directed anywhere but at the others.  Koushiro met her gaze, but appeared politely hesitant.  “That might be a good idea,” he said.  “I can’t help but worry about Taichi-san.  I haven’t heard from him since that day.  Hikari-san picked up their copies, and when I inquired after the both of them, she seemed… worried.”

Yamato’s head rose at last.  “Yeah?  I haven’t heard from Taichi, either.”

“I asked him if he wanted to pick up his copy today, but he said he already had it,” Sora said with a frown.  “Other than that, nothing.  I assumed that someone would have heard from him.”

Yamato tsked.  “He shouldn’t make us worry.  Speaking of, has anyone heard from Jyou?”

“He stopped by for his copy,” Koushiro said. “He didn’t say much, but I gather that he’s been studying.”

Yamato slapped his forehead.  “Of course.  Studying during summer break, after everything that happened…”

“We do still have homework to finish,” Sora pointed out.  “But hopefully he isn’t overdoing it.  You shouldn’t either, Koushiro-kun.  Make sure you get enough sleep.”

“What are you working on?”  Something in Yamato’s tone drew Sora’s attention, and she glanced at him.  The focus in his eyes slammed her into high alert, and she turned to Koushiro, hoping he could handle whatever Yamato was about to dish.  “I don’t see what could be pressing enough to lose sleep over right now.”

Koushiro’s hand twitched towards his desk.  Sora followed the movement and found two digivices sitting on a tray at the edge of the desk closest to his bed.  There was an odd fluttering in her heart.  Was Koushiro’s work related to the Digital World?

“I enjoy working,” Koushiro said at last.  “And right now, focusing on something is a welcome distraction.”

Yamato’s brow rose skeptically.  “Hmm.  Well, you still need to eat and drink and go outside.”  Sora wanted to agree, but she felt too heavy to speak.  She knew it wasn’t fair to pin her hopes of seeing the digimon again on Koushiro, but when she saw him working so feverishly, the thought that he might have a solution materialized on its own.

“That’s true,” Koushiro allowed.  His typical polite expression was restored, masking his thoughts.  “Perhaps that group meeting would help.  Do either of you have any ideas for arranging it?”

Sora hesitated.  Although she suspected that getting together would benefit everyone, the thought of organizing it was oddly daunting.  And she couldn’t explain her rising anxiety, causing distress signals that made her scan the room for threats.  Belatedly, she wondered how long she would associate all forms of discomfort with potential danger.

Yamato slumped forward until his forearms hit his knees.  Heaviness filled his voice as he said, “I don’t know…  Seeing everyone together without the digimon…  Don’t you think that would hurt?”

Sora swallowed the wrong way and fought the spastic urge to cough.  By the time the fit passed, her eyes were watering.  What would it be like to see everyone united without their partners?  A few days ago, they were the Chosen.  Now they were just a bunch of bereft, out-of-place kids.

“Perhaps we should ask Taichi-san what he thinks,” Koushiro proposed.  Gratitude rushed through Sora as she smiled.  How like Koushiro to defer to Taichi, to turn to him for guidance, even now.

Maybe we are still a team.  “Alright.  I’ll visit and ask him tomorrow.”

Yamato stood, and Sora guessed that he had hit his emotional limit for the day.  “Thanks for the picture,” he said, hinting at his desire to leave.

“Thank you,” Sora echoed.  “And remember to rest.  Don’t make your mom worry.”

Koushiro twitched.  “Ah-  Did she say something?”

Yamato tsked, and Sora couldn’t suppress a smile.  “Yes.  So take it easy.”

“…Alright.  Would you like me to walk you out?”

Had Koushiro picked up on their intention to leave, or did he want some space, too? “We’re fine,” Sora replied.  “See you later, Koushiro-kun.”

They said their goodbyes, but didn’t get far before Kae pressed thick slices of watermelon into their hands.  They tried to politely decline, but when Sora stepped back into the heat outside, she was grateful for the cool, refreshing treat.  

After enjoying the first sweet bite, Sora said, “Would you like to go anywhere else?”

Yamato shook his head.  “Nah.  I should probably cool off.”  Sora knew without asking that he wasn’t referring to the heat.

“Alright,” she replied.  “Are you heading back home?  Want to walk together?”

 He nodded, and they fell into stride together, silent save for the munching.

[stopforamoment]

Part Five: Grandma Lorinda’s Violin (Series 15, Part 5 of 6)

Series Fifteen: Rinda’s Insecurities (6 Parts) Part Five: Grandma Lorinda’s Violin (Series 15, Part 5 of 6) WARNINGS/TRIGGERS: Every part of this series will tie in with depression and anxiety issues. I’ll be more specific with tags in each one.

My masterlist is at the end of my bio. Please check it out or message me if you have questions or would like to be tagged in anything!

Book: The Royal Romance (After Book Three) Pairing: Bastien Lykel x OC Rinda Parks Word Count: 875 Rating: M for language, reference to passive aggressive behavior

TRIGGERS/WARNINGS for this part: reference to a mother’s passive aggressive behavior toward her daughter, reference to manipulative behaviors Author’s Note: Obligatory disclaimer that Pixelberry Studios owns the TRR characters and my pocketbook with those darn diamond scenes. OFC with all of her quirks is all mine. My apologies if Tumblr or I do something stupid when I try to post this. The keep reading link shows up on my laptop but not my phone. Ugh.

Thank you to Ash for understanding that special bond between a granddaughter and her nan. My own Grandma Lorinda was the inspiration for the bond between Rinda and her grandma—except I can’t play the violin! 😉 Thank you @asherella-is-a-dork-3 for always being my sounding board! Thank you @cora-nova @silviasutton1989 @bobasheebaby​ @riseandshinelittleblossom​ for still being a part of the journey! Series Summary: This series picks up the morning after the Halloween festival, and these are basically drabbles that occur the month or two after Bastien and Rinda start dating. Rinda has Bipolar 2 Disorder, which means she doesn’t quite get the “high ups” of full-blown mania, but she experiences the lowest lows that contribute to her insecurity days. She also experiences intense emotions of rage, which ties in with her ability to completely burn bridges and cut people out of her life when they’re pushed her too far. She’s taken medication for this since graduate school, when she went to a therapist for the first time and realized for the first time that her depression was something that could be managed with medication. She especially needed medication and additional therapy when state budget cuts were affecting her career and when Jameson died. Even though her life has taken a positive turn since she’s come to Cordonia and met Bastien, she knows that she still needs to take her medication and ask for Bastien’s help to monitor her moods and step in when necessary. Chapter Summary: Rinda’s mother has her own insecurities, and she uses passive aggressive techniques when she feels things spiraling out of her control. This is something that has always impacted Rinda as she was growing up, and it still impacts her even as an adult. When Rinda’s mother realizes she is staying in Cordonia, she ships Rinda’s violin to her. Sounds innocent enough, right?

Grandma Lorinda’s Violin

TRIGGERS/WARNINGS for this part: reference to a mother’s passive aggressive behavior toward her daughter, reference to manipulative behaviors Rinda’s mother could be a passive aggressive bitch, and when she learned that Rinda and Henry were staying in Cordonia for a full year she began calling Rinda almost every day, crying that she wouldn���t see her grandson ever again all because of Rinda’s career. And a man. Rinda rolled her eyes. Then her mother realized how serious Rinda was about her career in Cordonia—and how serious she was about her relationship with Bastien. When she talked to Henry, trying to influence him, she realized how much Henry loved Bastien and how much he was enjoying his new life in Cordonia. Rinda’s mother began to panic, and she escalated her passive aggressive techniques. Bastien came home to see Rinda holding a piece of paper, tears streaming down her face, with a large international parcel in front of her. “Tria?” “My mom sent my violin. Her note says that since I’m staying here and never coming back to America, I might as well have my violin here.” Bastien heard a lot of stories from Rinda’s childhood, so this didn’t surprise him. But he wasn’t sure why Rinda was so upset. “Sweetheart, this is a good thing, right? I know you practice in the music room at school, but now you have your violin here.” Rinda shook her head. “It’s not a good idea to fly an instrument, especially if it goes in the cargo area. There’s a lot of preventative stuff you’re supposed to do if you have to fly with it, but I can already tell my mom didn’t do any of it. So I’m upset that she’s a passive aggressive bitch, but I’m also upset that she deliberately did this—I mean, not packaging it properly. It belonged to my great-grandparents and they brought it on a boat when they came to America. It’s never flown before and I’m afraid to look.” Fortunately Rinda was able to use her connections with the royal archivist to find a luthier who restored antique violins. Rinda hadn’t even opened the package. She simply handed it to the man, head down, and mumbled that she knew this violin wasn’t properly packaged. And she had nothing to do with that. Bastien came down to the archives to see how it was going, and he was shocked to hear the luthier raising his voice to Rinda. Bastien knew Rinda shut down when people raised their voice to her, and he quickly came over and wrapped an arm around her. “What is going on?” The luthier spoke first. “I can repair this violin, but I’m appalled at how it was treated. Do you know how much it will cost to repair an instrument this valuable?” Bastien’s eyes widened as Rinda whispered that she knew the violin probably belonged in a museum or in a personal collection, but it belonged to her grandma and she couldn’t bear to part with it. It was insured. For six figures, USD. Please, just stop yelling at her and repair it. She’d speak to her insurance company to get it straightened out. The archivist looked at Rinda. “This was your grandmother’s violin? How did she get a hold of a Lété et Vuillaume?” Jean-Baptiste Vuillaume was a famous French luthier in the 1800s, and Rinda knew the violin was valuable to the right collector. Rinda gave a non-committal shrug. “It belonged to my great-grandfather who was born in France. He passed it down to his son, my grandpa. And he gave it to my grandma as a wedding gift.” The archivist gave a low whistle. “That’s some wedding gift.” . . . . . When Rinda was a child she chose to play the violin because her beloved Grandma Lorinda also played the violin. Rinda did have a natural aptitude for music, but every student has to start at the beginning and every student needs encouragement to continue practicing so they become more proficient. Rinda’s parents frequently teased Rinda as she practiced. They didn’t mean to be cruel, but their comments destroyed her confidence. But she had Grandma Lorinda to encourage her. To listen to her practice, no matter how out of tune and screechy it sounded. To enthusiastically clap for every scale and every play through of “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.” Even though Rinda would often joke that she was an orchestra nerd, music really did become her salvation. She liked taking dance and gymnastic lessons because she could put on a mask when she was performing and pretend she was confident and outgoing. But that was just on stage. In real life she was painfully shy and wished she were invisible so the bullies would leave her alone. But music? That’s when she could be herself and be left alone. And when Grandma Lorinda was gone, music became something even more personal for her because playing the violin reminded her so much of her dearest grandma. When Rinda’s mother shipped the violin to her, Rinda knew there was another layer of aggression in her actions. Her mother was always jealous of how close Rinda and her grandma were, and her mother knew how much it meant when Grandma Lorinda gave her favorite grandchild her violin. When Rinda’s mother lashed out, she cut deep.

[recklessheroism-archive-blog]

( reposted from my about page in a reblogabble form w/ formatting changes. if you find the formatted version visually difficult or irritating to read, the unformatted version is on the about page! this & the about page will be updated as i learn more things about my muse. )

for the most part, my portrayal will follow the canon of star trek: alternate original series. however, here are some things i’ve added to my version of jim.

trigger warnings: abuse, starvation, murder, death, ptsd, traumatic mutism, bipolar disorder, & eating disorder.

triggers are bolded at the beginning of each section so that you can skip over anything that may be triggering for you. if you’d like a summary of any part that you skipped over, feel free to ask me! i can change things around, to a certain extent, so that we can write together.

1. tw: abuse. jim & his stepfather, frank, were not on the best of terms. ever since frank had come into his life, jim had despised him. there was just something about the way he treated winona that jim didn’t like. he’d only given the guy a chance at his mother’s request, something which he sorely regretted after she married him. when winona went back to starfleet, sam ran away from home & jim was left with frank & his abusive tendencies. it started just bad moods & snide remarks, but the remarks got worse with time. words became stronger, louder. they were picked more carefully, picked to tear the young boy apart. & as if that wasn’t enough, frank shoved him, hit him, even made him bleed. the effects of this abuse still haunt jim, but he’s been healing with time & distance.

2. tw: starvation, murder, death. after jim had stolen & wrecked frank’s car, frank unilaterally enrolled jim in the earth colony on tarsus iv. winona had no knowledge of this decision, as she was off-world with starfleet. the distance was freeing, at first. he was glad to be out from under frank’s thumb at last. on tarsus iv, he was able to live the kind of childhood he’d wanted. for a time, he was happy. he did well in school, he played sports, he had friends — he thrived. but unfortunately, it didn’t last.

famine fell over the colony as an exotic fungus destroyed their food supply. suddenly, paradise had become hell. as colonists panicked & worried, riots began to break out. jim ran from the facility he’d been living at with the few children he knew that were now or previously orphaned, & they stuck together for as long as they could. naturally, he took charge of the small group, organizing them in a way that would benefit the group the most. he & the older children would scavenge for food while those younger would stay together & hide.

it worked for a short while, but like the rest of those who had survived the first wave of death, their group began to succumb as well. jim tried his best to care for them all. he made sure they had first pick of the food, & he only ate as much as he needed to survive another day. he did everything he could to make sure they survived. there are things he did there that he’ll never speak of.

but the worst of it all was how he killed to save them. the first time, he didn’t sleep for days. he felt so ill he could barely move, but he had to. he had to take care of the others. it got a little easier with time, but it was always a last resort. in the end, though, he lost most of them to starvation or illness or both. by the end, it was only him & kevin riley left.

they were eventually forced to rejoin a larger group out of necessity when kevin fell ill. jim refused to let the young boy die too. with help from the larger group, they were able to nurse him back to relative health. but that’s when it happened.

governor kodos, under the pretense of aid, divided the remaining colonists into two groups. unbeknownst to them, the division would cost 4,000 colonists their lives. kodos had separated the survivors based on strength & likelihood of survival. those who were stronger & more likely to survive were allowed to live. those who were weaker & less likely were executed. jim was one of nine eyewitnesses to the execution.

supply ships arrived too late to save the 4,000 sentenced to death, but when they arrived, jim & the remaining orphaned children were sent home to earth. to this day, jim still has ptsd & nightmares about life on tarsus iv & the execution of 4,000 innocent survivors.

3. tw: ptsd, traumatic mutism. following the traumatic events on tarsus iv, jim & kevin returned to earth & were placed into the care of jim’s mother, who had returned as soon as she had learned of the famine & that frank had sent jim there. at that point, she was in the process of divorcing frank, & she filed for a restraining order on her & jim’s behalf.

jim regularly saw a child psychologist to help him through his ptsd. directly following the events of the tarsus iv massacre, jim went without speaking for about a month. his psychologist assured his mother that he would speak when he was ready, & that it was his mind’s way of coping with what happened.

additionally, for years after his return from tarsus iv, jim would hide scraps of food around the house. this was both to convince his mother that he was finishing his meals & out of fear that another famine could occur at any moment.

with time & support, his symptoms have nearly disappeared, but he will occasionally have periods of ptsd related distress, specifically in the form of nightmares & anxiety, even in adulthood.

4a. tw: bipolar disorder. while at starfleet academy, jim began to act out of the ordinary. some days, he found it difficult to get out of bed. or when he did, he felt incredibly numb & unable to enjoy all the things he loved to do. some days, he couldn’t sleep at all & stayed out all night, & he could become incredibly irritible at the drop of a hat. there was no obvious reason as to why he behaved these ways, so jim hadn’t seen them as a problem at the time. but as these behaviors & others began to exhibit themselves, jim’s friends became increasingly worried about him. leonard mccoy was especially concerned.

being jim’s roommate & best friend, leonard had a hard time standing by & allowing jim to push himself into riskier & riskier situations. shortly after leonard had expressed this concerns, jim began to see that he was right. he had been denying any problems he’d been facing for far too long, & he needed to confront them instead. so, with a lot of coaxing from leonard, jim made an appointment to see one of starfleet academy’s mental health professionals.

the process of diagnosis didn’t happen overnight. in fact, it took many weeks before they reached any sort of conclusion. but when they did, it was then that jim learned he had bipolar disorder.  ( this form is likely bipolar II disorder. source: here. )  at the time, he was unsure of what this meant, but he was assured by the counseling team that with some help & support, he would be able to manage his moods better.

for the rest of his time at the academy, he continued attending weekly therapy sessions & tried out different medications until he & his therapist were satisfied he’d found the right one. while friends came & went, leonard was there every step of the way.

by the time he was given command of the enterprise, he was mentally in a much healthier state. but that doesn’t mean he never struggled. currently, he does what he can to manage his symptoms, but he’s human, & he can’t always handle them as well as he would like to. but with the help & support of his close friends, his therapist, & a strict self-imposed therapy plan, he generally manages well.  ( for more information on bipolar disorder, go here. many of the items in the chart of signs & symptoms apply to jim during the corresponding episodes. )

4b. tw: abuse, eating disorder, bipolar disorder. as a result of growing up with a physically, verbally, & emotionally abusive step-father, jim occasionally has trouble when it comes to taking care of himself. specifically, he has a mild form of anorexia & struggles with eating enough food. this tendency seems to stem from the traumatic events of tarsus iv & childhood self-esteem issues brought on by his step-father, who often made negative comments about his weight when he was young.

this disordered eating has gotten better with time & effort, but he is more likely to relapse during depressive & manic episodes of his bipolar disorder. during depressive episodes, his self-esteem is lowered & he begins to worry about his weight. this causes him to eat very little. during manic episodes, he can be moving so quickly & erratically that he forgets to eat. 

even when he is not experiencing symptoms of an episode, he can have trouble with food. as a result of his time spent in crisis on tarsus iv, he rarely eats a full meal. he feels that there must be other people who need food more than he does, so he can go without for them. it’s a habit, a destructive thought he’s been trying to break, but it’s been years & he still has trouble. with a lot of coaxing & assurance, he can finish a meal, but he never feels truly great about it. he has, however, broken his habit of hiding large quantities of food. 

5. on a lighter note, jim has a cat! her name is rosie & he adores her. he found her during one of the enterprise’s pit stops when she stowed away on the ship. he loves her so much that no one has had the heart to remind him that it’s not exactly allowed.

she is very affectionate & serves as an emotional support animal for jim as well as an unofficial therapy cat for most of the bridge crew, as those are the crewmembers closest to jim.

rosie is a special cat as well. she has the ability to walk on walls & ceilings, & she is often found hiding on one of those surfaces when she wants some alone time. additionally, her eyes & fur appear to sparkle a bit, like she was bathed in stars.

6. jim is very respectful of women.  ( fuck you, j.j. abrams. )  therefore, that scene where he hid under gaila’s bed and saw nyota undressing? jim may have seen nyota, but he immediately looked away. same goes for that scene with carol marcus changing. james. tiberius. kirk. respects. women.

7. follow these links for romance & sex headcanons. 

[geminimoonbeamx]

Moths Wings/ Part 1

A/N: I know what ya’ll are thinking. Wow, this bitch is starting another series. But hear me out, I think we all need some god ol’ fluff in our lives. I know I need some in mine, and Daddy!Bucky has been all over my feed lately. I HAD to put my own spin on it. It’s still cannon Marvel, just if Bucky took some time to focus on rebuilding his mental health instead of jumping from battle to battle.

Word Count: 2k+

Warnings: None really for this chapter except the usual of cursing. That will never change.

Summary: When Bucky takes sometime to focus on himself- partially because he knows he needs it and partially because the team has seemed to Veto him off the island- and moves upstate he meets Y/N, a bright, kind single mother and her four year old daughter Phoebe. His heart’s been frozen for so long, but it cant help but melt as he get’s to know the little family and falls in love with the possibility of happiness.

You come beating like moths wings; spastic and violently- Passion Pit

✨✨✨

This was good for him, good for everyone. He needed this.

That seemed to be Bucky’s inner dialogue, his mantra of sorts these days. It had been months, nearly a year, since he, Steve and the rest of what had been dubbed as “team Cap” had returned to the city. Since Tony had extended the olive branch. Apologies had been said, and bridges had started to mend. Everyone trying to put their egos and pride and feelings on the back burner because that’s what this hero business was about, wasn’t it? The good of the world, of the people.

Tony had even allowed him into the Tower, for a time. Bucky had his own suite and though it was huge and just as lavish as everyone else’s(he had been a little nervous that Stark was gonna stick him in a broom closet…not that he hadn’t endured worse) it felt clinical and too…open. The loneliness seeped in from the high ceilings and had him crawling. He did the therapy, endured the twice a week sessions with the Phycologist that actually wasn’t so bad once Bucky go used to her.

It was the advanced technology in the building that first started to set him off. It brought back memories of being strapped down…of computers and electric shocks. And then, it slowly turned into the entire atmosphere of Avengers tower. As much as everyone tried to welcome him, attempted to let him know what he was apart of the team, he was relapsing. The panic attacks and nightmares coming at an overwhelming rate.

Sam, with all of his experience with PTSD ridden vets, is the first to speak up.

“It’s not good for him, man” He tells Steve one day when it’s just the two for him “He isn’t going to make any progress here. It’s too much, too soon”

And Steve knows he’s right. Even though he wants to be selfish, wants to keep Bucky as close as possible, he knows that he’s not doing him any favors by doing so. And so it goes, the talks, the decisions.

Everyone had decided that Sam was right. Even Bucky had, after some pushing. Being back in New York City was too much, it brought back too much at once. And so Pepper brilliant, of course, suggests that he moves. Out side the city. Close enough that if they really needed him he could be retrived in a snap, but far enough that the sounds and sights of the city weren’t assaulting his senses constantly. Bucky hates it, that they have to have a meeting over him, that they had to adjust and team up to help him- but he knows that he’s more of a hindrance then anything there. So he goes with what they set him up with.

The suburbs. A small town about an hour and a half, give or take, outside NYC.

It’s an odd fit for him. He was a Brooklyn boy(or at least he had been) through and through and it was so…quiet here. The house that Tony had purchased was unlike anything he’d ever inhabited. It had always been apartments for him, semi seedy ones that looked down on overpopulated streets. Even when he was on the run he kept to bigger cities.

The air here was different.

Bucky finally felt like he could breathe.

It had been a few weeks since he’d made the move and he was still getting adjusted. The home that he’d been given, Stark had objected that-

“I’m not giving it to you, it’s not a Christmas present. Think of it as coming out of your paycheck, Elsa”

Was nice. He liked it. It seemed…smaller then his suite back at the tower, which he’s grateful for. Single floored, two rooms. A decent sized living room that linked with an equally decent sized kitchen. Of course, all the appliances had been updated. A bathroom and a garage; where his car sat.

It was all he needed.

Steve, and his therapist had encouraged him to make it his own. That it was his home, his safe space, and he should treat it as such. He’d sat with Pepper she’d helped him order the furniture, he was still getting the hang of online shopping, but damn, did he like the convenience.

The couches were brown leather, a Laz-e-Boy recliner sat in front of the flat screen mounted to the wall; the one that he could watch ball games and catch up on all the movies and shit he’d missed over the last decades on. The hardwood had rugs, and the walls had a few paintings. It wasn’t anything special or extensive, but it was what he’d wanted. What kept him comfortable.

He liked being alone, although Steve visited him almost every fuckin’ day. He liked the time and space to continue to sort out the memories in his head and document them in the journals like Dr. Schnapp had, had him doing for months. He fell into a nice routine; going for a run in the morning followed up by doing the Yoga exercises that actually worked(even though he’d felt like a total tool doing them at first) then making himself breakfast, and eating said breakfast while he read the paper. Then he’d fix up the house, fix up the motorcycle he had in his garage. Do anything to keep his hands and mind as far away from idle as he could. And then he’d finish his day with another run, a microwave dinner, and a hand full of sleeping pills.

Again, nothing special. But he didn’t need it to be, he just needed to feel…

Normal.

And that’s how his day had started, normal as any other. Run, downward dog, eggs- and now he was working on the motorcycle. The garage door up, letting the nice breeze in while he tinkered. He’d hooked his iPod up to the speaker and Bing Crosby filled the space gently. He hummed along mindlessly as he focused on the many parts in front of him.

He can be completely immersed in something, and yet his enhanced senses can detect and pick up on sounds from a mile away.

He hears the peddling, and then the screeching stop and then the tumble. His head snaps up at the sniffles and cries that follow. Across the street a little girl lies, her trike beside her. She looks like she’d taken one hell of a fall…

Bucky cant help it, he gets up from his place and walks over to her, making sure to grab his glove off of the counter and slide it onto his mech hand as he goes.

“Hey…” He starts as he approaches and she sits up slowly. She’s teensy tiny, cant be older then five, he asses.

“Hi” She looks up at him, her eyes teary as she pulls up her skinned knee and looks at the blood there.

“Are you okay, I saw you fall?” Bucky asks, his eyes scanning the surrounding street for a parent.

“My knees bleeding a little” She sniffles “Mommy’s gonna be so mad. She always tolds me to wear my knee pads”

“Where is your mom?” Bucky continues, crouching down to her level.

“At home” The little one shrugs and he’s confused.

“At home? Okay. Where’s home?”

She seems to get suspicious at that, her big Y/E/C eyes narrowing “I’m not suppos'ta talk to strangers”

Bucky chuckles. Smart kid, flawed thinking. She’d been talking to him for nearly a minute. “Wise words to live by”

“But your my neighbor, so it’s okay, right?” She babbles on “We’re not suppos'ta be strangers anyway. I’m friends with Mr and Mrs. Miller. So we can be friends too- I’m Phoebe”

Bucky doesn’t know what to think of the girl. There she is, scrapped knee, tears in her eyes, asking him to be friends.

“I’m, uh, Bucky” He takes her out stretched hand with an amused grin. She then begins to complain about her knee again, “It hurts” “It might need stiches”

He’s just about to tell her all she needs is a Band-Aid when he hears a screech.

“Phoebe!” It’s a woman’s voice that sounds distressed and it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out it must be this mystery little girls mom. You come running, frantic, to the scene. Putting a hand over your heart when you see them.

Oh, Bucky thinks. He’s seen you around. Walking a dog down the street sometimes when he goes for his morning runs. You’re pretty, it’s plain to see. With your soft looking hair and your rosy cheeks. He’d noticed the sway of your large hips as you’d walked the dog in passing a few times…

“Phoebe Marie!” you scold, your chest heaving as you bend down “You scared me half to death! What have I told you, you cant play outside without me!”

Phoebe’s bottom lip furrows and Bucky thinks it may be the cutest pout face he’s ever seen. “I’m sorry!”

You look from her daughter and then to Bucky who perks up, abeit awkwardly.

“Hey, sorry. I saw her fall, and it was pretty nasty so I came over to make sure she didn’t do any serious damage” Bucky explains himself, fully aware that she could take this the wrong way. Grown men coming up to children wasn’t always received well.

You don’t look upset though “Thank you so much for that. She’s always been a little bit…adventurous? She’s going to either brake her neck or give me a stroke” you announce, your tone gentle and grateful as your fingers daintily scan over Phoebe’s knee before taking off her unicorn helmet. “I’m Y/N, by the way”

You throw a smile at him and he feels…weird. When was the last time anyone had smiled at him that way? With such raw kindness.

“I’m James, but you can call me Bucky”

Where did that come from? He wonders at the smoothness.

“Well ,Bucky, thank you again. She’s a little scraped up, but I think she’ll live” You look at your daughter pointedly and she adverts her gaze, guiltily “You moved in a couple weeks ago right? I think I’ve seen you around? We live a few houses up that way”

“Yeah, uh, I haven’t been here long”

“You liking the neighborhood so far?” You’re just being friendly, Bucky assures himself. He’s had therapy for this. He can talk to strangers, it’s okay. Plus, just like Phoebe had said- you weren’t really strangers. You were his neighbor.

“I am. It’s really quiet, but I think I like that” He converses, following suit as you stand up. You pull the girl into your arms, situating her on your hip effortlessly.

“Yeah? You move here from the city?” You inquire knowingly and he grins smalley.

“I did” Bucky answers “Brooklyn”

“Queens” You grin right back and he chuckles at the proudness and slight excitement in your voice “I know it’s a little bit of an adjustment, but I swear, once you get used to it here, you’ll never want to go back”

Bucky nods, processing that. When he doesn’t reply, you realize that maybe you’ve overstepped…

“I need to go patch this little soldier up. I know it’s over kill, but thank you. Again” You giggle, trying to fight the awkwardness “If you ever need anything, just holler. We’re all pretty tight on this col-de-sac. We do lame barbeques and everything”

“Yeah- yeah, I’ll keep that in mind” He couldn’t imagine going to a neighborhood shin-dig, but he humors you all the same “It was really nice to meet you, Y/N- Phoebe”

You agree. You’d been curious of the man for weeks, meeting him finally had been a pleasant surprise “Likewise. Well- we’ll let you get back. Have a good rest of the day” You scoop up the tricycle with your other hand and give him one last sweet smile before retreating.

“Bye Bucky!” Phoebe calls over your shoulder, waving her little hand overzealously at him and he cant wipe the smile on his face as he waves back to her.

He goes back to his garage, picks up where he’d left off. He thinks about the small encounter for the rest of the day, up until he takes his sleeping medication and falls into a dreamless sleep.

Read PART 2 

A sweet little start to this story, if I do say so myself. If you guys want to be tagged in upcoming chapters, let me know! 💛 Oh, and PS, listen to Moths Wings by Passion Pit. It’s this stories anthem.

[untitledpseudonym]

The Director’s Cut

“ANNNNND CUT” 

A loud click and a gruff voice smelling of smuggled cigars and bourbon fills the set of director Randy McCullahan’s horror film studio. 

He steps out of his director’s chair, setting aside his glass of Eagle Rare, and starts walking

 to his star. She is currently laying on the ground of the kitchen dining room set, and covered in latex intestines and scarlet red theatrical blood.  

“What is it now, Mick?” the beautiful raven actor says, raising her hands up in confusion. Randy ignores her briefly to acknowledge his 7 ft star looming over the annoyed, fakely mutilated actress. 

“Chet, just wanna say, you’re doing a great job. Really embodying the killer vibe. Make sure you go back to makeup artists to get your mask refitted, it really seems to be slipping off.” Chet looks at the director, emotionlessly, his Ice blue eyes making it’s way past the thin film that covers the eye holes of his goat mask, piercing the director, and walks away towards the makeup crew.

“Heh, truly a method actor.” he says

“Uh, hello!” says the annoyed, actress. Randy sighs, displeasingly. 

“Ah, yes of course. You.” He says pinching the bridge of his nose under his glasses. “Whaddya mean me?!” she says standing up. Letting the fake guts and blood spill and drip of her. “That’s just it, Eve! It’s you! You’re not truly terrified. Your performance all day has been absolutely dreadful! You have shown no emotion in your death scene in 60 takes! We’ve burnt through 2 and a half hours of valuable film time just because you choose not to act! Like what am I even paying you for?!” Randy says yelling at her. Eve puts her hands on her hips. “I have given you my all for the entirety of this production! I talked to the other producers and crewmates and they all agree I've done the scene right the first 15 takes AT LEAST!” She spits back. Randy looks back at the crewmates and back at her. “Is that right?” he asks softly. Eve crosses her arms. “That’s right.” 

Randy nods and walks over to his director’s chair, softly repeating to himself: “uh-huh, that’s right, huh? Uh-huh, that’s right, huh? Uh-huh, that’s right, huh?” over and over until he gets to his chair and grabs the half drunk glass of Eagle Rare, and launches it, gently grazing the ear of the once righteous, now fearful actress. “This is my fucking set!” Randy bellows. “My fucking production! We will film until you all say your lines in sleep fucking paralysis! I don’t give a fuck how right you think it is, bitch! As long as i’m paying for your shit, you will deliver! Let me reiterate for all of you, since according to your ring leader Eve, you all support her claims.” Randy reaches under his directors chair and pulls out a M1911 pistol and fires off two bullets into the studio warehouses ceiling. Everyone shouts and ducks,some flee the set, clearly afraid of the director’s rant. “AS LONG AS IM PAYING FOR YOUR SHIT, YOU WILL FUCKING DELIVER!.” Randy shots above the petrified chaos he has commenced. He glances over at the terrified faces of his cast and crew and notices chet in the distance standing looking at him, fearlessly. Randy points his gun over at Chet. “See! True fucking actor right there, EVE! Take note.” Randy glances down at his watch and back at the terrified film cast. “Well, Chet earned you all the right to take five. See you all on set soon.” Randy waltzes off the set, but not before giving eve a death stare. 

“I fucking hate that creep.” Eve said to her friend Caroline, who was laying across from her on the italian leather couch.  “Eh, you get used to it. I mean, hell, I’ve been placed damn near every one of his casts and it’s basically the same song and dance. No matter how hard you try, he will make you repeat takes, Over and over again. You do the same things and he gets the same result. Personally, I think he does it until he gets tired.” She says looking at her. “Don’t let it get to you.” 

“That’s the thing Caroline, it does get to me. Everything was the complete opposite since my first day shooting. He was vibrant, likable even, but now he somehow managed to turn not only himself, but the entire cast and crew against me. You’re legit the ONLY one who will talk to me.” Caroline blinks twice and yawns. “Well, I’m not talking to you. I’m your fucking dog, you fool.” Caroline says.

“Oh.” Eve says. 

“As the designated therapy dog for everyone in Randy's movies, I’m used to having to listen to my master’s bullshit, over and over again. In the end though, it’s the same result. Always.”

“...What’s that? I didn’t hear you.” Eve said, focusing on removing her makeup in the mirror. 

“Oh, haha. Very hilarious. Maybe I should give Kevin Hart a call and tell him he has some new competition.” 

“Oh, Puh-Lease, shouldn’t you be sniffing your asshole or something?” 

“Well maybe you should--” 

A loud knock banged on the trailer door. A deep gruff voice spoke. “Eve Kraken? Are you decent?” the person on the other door said. Another voice spoke a bit more quietly. “Why don’t we just kick that bitches door down. She’s probably busy talking up her next toy for the evening anyways.” Eve gritted her teeth and slammed down the makeup wipes she had in her hand and marched to the door swinging it open with force. It was one of the producers. “Miss Kraken, we need you on set like right now.” Randy stepped in front of the producer. “You stupid fucking bitch.” he said angrily. “You took off your goddamn makeup, didn’t you?” 

“Well you said take five, so I was gonna re apply the makeup for the next scene we are gonna do.” she said, honestly.

“The next scene? The next scene. Davis, you hear her? The next scene. Bitch, We are still on the scene that you can’t fucking get right in the first fucking place.” Randy said sternly through closed teeth and clenched fists. “Just put on your fucking makeup and get your tight ass back on set before I give you two black eyeshadows that will take fucking weeks to get off. That’s not a threat. It’s a promise.” His Rum and Cigar breathe spread out on her face like a wave of pure disgust and hatred. She felt numb. All of his words had invoked a certain fear and rage inside her. This wasn’t just today, you see. This was everyday for Eve. She HATED randy. She FEARED Randy. The check she would receive every week for this treatment, seemed not even worth it. She gulped. “Yes, Randy. I'll be on set in five, please just, five.” Randy gruffed and walked away. The producer shuts the door, before briefly saying “Way to go, retard. Now we’ll all pay.” Once she can hear their footsteps fade away from the trailer, Eve screams. A trail of tears drip down her face as she punches her makeup desk over and over under her hands are bruised and bloodied. A small knife rumbles and tumbles off the desk. And onto the floor, making a slight, but noticeable clunking noise onto her hard wood floors. Eve looks down at it and kneels down at the small blade. 

“Take it.” Eve looks up at Caroline who was now sitting across from her. 

“What?” Eve said.

“Take the fucking knife and kill the fucker.” Caroline said to Eve. 

“Your mouth, it’s moving..” Eve said startled. 

“I know. Get the knife. Now.”

The knife that once sat between the now talking canine and distressed girl was now neatly tucked in Eve’s hand. It’s settled. 

**********************************************************************

“Come in.”

Randy said after three knocks on his office door.  He put down his cigar and pencil, drawing his attention away from his notepad to the disheveled Eve. Her knuckles were bloody and bruised. Her eyes were puffy and red from the tears she shedded. She had a knife in her hand. 

“The fuck are you doing in here. I told you to get your tight ass on set.” 

“Why?” Eve said calmly walking towards his desk. 

“Bitch, why? We have a fucking movie to shoot and you can’t get a fucking simple scene right. That’s why. Now get out of my office.” 

“Why do you act so cold hearted towards me?”

“What? Listen either get out of my office or I will make you get out.”

“Oh I'd like to see you try.” Eve whips around and shuts and locks the door and slams her bruised hands on his desk. 

“Now, tell me now. Before I do something, I am going to regret it.” 

“Bitch I don’t owe you a goddamn thing,” Randy sits up staring her dead in the face. “Now, go back on fucking set or so help me g--” Eve’s hand whips up and send her knife straight under the directors chin, slicing his throat. The adrenaline sends her into a fit of rage and she leaps onto his lap over the desk and continues to stab him repeatedly in the shoulders and head, crying and screaming. “IHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOU”. Eventually she ceases. Now covered in her tormentor's blood, she cries in his lap. She sniffles and starts to walk towards the door. She knows she’s going to jail. She knows that her life is over. But jail is no comparison to the hell she had to endure from him.  She notices on Randy’s Desk a yellow notepad with her name etched at the top. The color and font of the blue ink pressed on the pad was old and it cried out to the girl, begging her to read it. Eve wiped her hands on Randy’s pants and picked up the notepad and started reading it’s contents:

EVE

The Art of filmmaking doesn’t oftentimes require the effort put forth upon the actors cast and crew. It’s also the director to get their actors to put in their best efforts. Eve was my ultimate test to this new philosophy I created. I didn’t pick her for her acting talent alone, no. I picked her because she grew up well. Two loving parents, upper-middle class lifestyle in Los Angeles, plenty of friends etc. Knowing this and her talent in horror movies, I understand that there may be a grey area when it comes to achieving true fear and paranoia and capturing it on film. So, much rather than encouraging her to undergo method acting, I am going to be doing  a little bit of acting myself. I must belittle, hurt, bully, and cut her down to my best of efforts. She will HATE me. This however will develop a true sense of fear. She will no longer be acting because chet is chasing her character. She will be acting because she will be in fear of me causing more harm to her. This publication will be proof to other directors to follow my footsteps to really push their actors to their limits. I will continually be posting updates on this project of mine during my time filming my horror film. 

Eve covered her mouth in shock. He wasn’t the villain in this story. He just wanted a genuine reaction out of her. To capture a real piece of human terror on film. She couldn’t believe it. She didn’t know what to do. She teared up as she began to tremble in fear. Her eyes darted back and forth between Randy’s corpse and the Notepad. She just killed a man. The blood was on her hands. There are knocks on the door. Fuck, What should she do. She can’t run. The office is blocked off. They’re calling for Randy. Shit, Shit, SHIT. She’s trapped. This is her first of many cells. Her room to sit in her regret before the mental regret of her actions. The door is barged in and Chet walks in still in his killer costume. He glances over at the body and over at her.

Motionlessly looks at her.

It’s all over for her.

“AAAANNNNNNNNNNND CUT”

“Eve that was fantastic work, your reaction was fucking perfect.” Said the director. 

Eve helped up Randy, who had trouble getting up after she sat on his lap.

“Do we have to do that again, since it was perfect?” Randy said whinyily 

“Unfortunately yes. Over and Over again.”