#the simple and non complicated lyrics just made the song stands out more

[lennon666]

One of the best songs ever actually

[ariel-seagull-wings]

FICTIONAL CHARACTER ASK: FIGARO

TAGGED BY: @princesssarisa​

@professorlehnsherr-almashy​ @superkingofpriderock​ @tilthenextbluemoon​ @notyouraveragejulie​

FAVORITE THING ABOUT THEM: Lovable Trickster Character Archetype my beloved! Figaro has so many dimentions: he is cunning and ambitious, he is loyal and simple, he is witty and rational, he is sensitive and passionate, he is funny, he has moments of melancholic pathos. All the while never becoming exageratly complicated, he keeps being a character who is easy and accessible for the audience to follow.

LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT THEM: His crisis of jealousy against his bride Susanna in the ACT IV of Marriage of Figaro. I can’t avoid asking in my head: “Figaro, if Susanna had any intention of betraying you, do you think she would have told you and Countess Rosina about Count Almaviva’s attempts of seducing her, and build a plot to expose the Count to public shame? No, she would have kept shut up. Why are you distrussing her now”? Yes, i know the librettist Da Ponte needed something to replace the anti-nobility rant of Beaumarchais original play to avoid censorship over the opera, but couldn’t have come up with something instead of the sudden crisis of jealousy and acusing all women of being unfaithfull cliché?

THREE THINGS I HAVE IN COMMON WITH THEM:

*The playfull sense of humour.

*The contempt for the aristocracy.

*Love for Susanna.

THREE THINGS I DON’T HAVE IN COMMON WITH THEM:

*I am female.

*I am not spanish.

*I never worked as a barber.

FAVORITE LINE:

The full lyrics of his introduction aria in Barber of Seville, Largo al Factotum

Largo al factotum della città. Presto a bottega che l'alba è già. Ah, che bel vivere, che bel piacere per un barbiere di qualità! Ah, bravo Figaro! Bravo, bravissimo! Fortunatissimo per verità! Pronto a far tutto, la notte e il giorno sempre d'intorno in giro sta. Miglior cuccagna per un barbiere, vita più nobile, no, non si da. Rasori e pettini, lancette e forbici, al mio comando tutto qui sta. V'è la risorsa, poi, del mestiere colla donnetta... col cavaliere... Tutti mi chiedono, tutti mi vogliono, donne, ragazzi, vecchi, fanciulle: Qua la parrucca... Presto la barba... Qua la sanguigna... Presto il biglietto... Figaro! Figaro! Figaro!, ecc. Ahimè, che furia! Ahimè, che folla! Uno alla volta, per carità! Ehi, Figaro! Son qua. Figaro qua, Figaro là, Figaro su, Figaro giù. Pronto prontissimo son come il fulmine: sono il factotum della città. Ah, bravo Figaro! Bravo, bravissimo; a te fortuna non mancherà. Sono il factotum della città!

(Make way for the city's servant. Off to the shop soon. It is already dawn. Ah, what a beautiful life, what lovely pleasure For a barber of quality! Ah, worthy Figaro! Worthy, superb! Most fortunate for sure! Ready to do anything, night and day, Always around and about. A better Cockaigne for a barber, A nobler life, there is none. Razors and combs, lancets and scissors Are all here at my command. There is also resourcefulness, in the trade, With the young lady, with the young man. Everyone asks for me. Everyone wants me: Women, boys, the elderly, girls. Here this wig; quickly this beard; Here this bleeding, quickly this note; "Figaro! Figaro! Figaro!" etc. Alas, what a fury! Alas, what a crowd! One at a time, for charity's sake! "Hey, Figaro!" Here I am! Figaro here, Figaro there, Figaro up, Figaro down. Swift, swifter, like lightning I am. I am the city's servant. Ah, worthy Figaro! Worthy, superb; Fortune will not fail you. I am the city's servant!)

This line he says to Susanna in the aria Cinque... dieci... venti at the beggining of ACT I of Marriage of Figaro

Sì mio core, or è più bello, sembra fatto inver per te.

(Yes, my dearest, it's very pretty; It looks just made for you.)

And Non più andrai, the famous aria he sings at the end of ACT I of Marriage of Figaro

Non più andrai, farfallone amoroso, notte e giorno d'intorno girando; delle belle turbando il riposo Narcisetto, Adoncino d'amor. Non più avrai questi bei pennacchini, quel cappello leggero e galante, quella chioma, quell'aria brillante, quel vermiglio donnesco color. Tra guerrieri, poffar Bacco! Gran mustacchi, stretto sacco. Schioppo in spalla, sciabla al fianco, collo dritto, muso franco, un gran casco, o un gran turbante, molto onor, poco contante! Ed invece del fandango, una marcia per il fango. Per montagne, per valloni, con le nevi e i sollioni. Al concerto di tromboni, di bombarde, di cannoni, che le palle in tutti i tuoni all'orecchio fan fischiar. Cherubino alla vittoria: alla gloria militar!

(You shall go no more, lustful butterfly, Day and night flitting to and fro; Disturbing ladies in their sleep Little Narcissus, Adonis of love. No longer will you have these beautiful feathers, That light, romantic cap, That hair, that glowing countenance, That rosy, womanly complexion. Among soldiers, by Jove! A big moustache, a little kit. With a rifle on your shoulder, and a sabre on your flank, Standing up straight, hard faced, A big helmet, or a big turban, Plenty of honour, little pay! And instead of dancing the fandango, A march through the mud. Through mountains, through valleys, With snow and with the sun beating down. To the beat of the bugle, Of bombs, of cannons, Whose thunderous report Makes your ears ring. Cherubino, to victory: To glory in battle!)

brOTP: Fiorello, Berta, Marcellina, Cherubino, Barbarina, Rosina the Countess Almaviva, Count Almaviva.            

OTP: Susanna.

nOTP: Marcellina, Rosina.

RANDOM HEADCANON: He met and fell in love with Susanna during a Street Carnaval Party: he was dressed in a Arlechino costume, she was dressed as Colombina. Since he was with a fully covering mask, Susanna didn’t saw his face. So the first characteristic of his that enchanted her was his voice, when he went out to serenade her with the spanish folk song “A La Una Yo Nací”.

UNPOPULAR OPINION: Rigoletto may be the most iconic baritone role... for people that already consider themselves opera fans. For casual viewers, if you ask to remember a famous opera sanged in a very heavy voice, they won’t think of “Cortigiani vil razza danata”. They will think in “Largo Al Factotum”, sanged by Figaro in Barber of Seville. So in pop culture, Figaro basically is not only the most iconic baritone role, but probably the most iconic male character of opera in general.

SONG I ASSOCIATE WITH THEM:

Largo al Factotum from Barber of Seville

Cinque... dieci... veinte and Non più andrai from Marriage of Figaro

FAVORITE PICTURE WITH THEM:

This 19th Century Illustration of Beaumarchais Plays, portraying Figaro in an Arlechino Costume

This bronze statue by Jean Barnabé Amy

Picture of Tito Gobbi in the role

Hermann Prey hugged to Mirella Freni as his Susanna

Ferrucio Furlanetto

And two pics of my definitive face and voice of Figaro, Bryn Terfel, one alone and another with soprano Dawn Upshaw as Susanna

[pridewhatpride]

Comparing song lyrics from Higurashi and Yugioh GX

(Because I can- brief interpretation under the cut)

Your smile Has always saved me You can cry now I’ll stay here with you Teardrop (BOWL)

I have always felt your happiness I have always felt your tears No one was closer to you, now those memories haunt me I Believe What You Said (Asaka)

First of all, why the comparison? Simple- because they are two songs I like and both are about love, in a way. Very different types of love.

Teardrop is very obviously a song about a loved one in pain- it can be interpreted as non romantic, but I suppose most people would think of Spiritshipping when reading the lyrics (which is fair, honestly).

On the other hand, I Believe What You Said is more complicated- it's about love, yes, but most people would rather call it a sickly fascination, a desire to own and possess. That's the theme of the series it's the opening to; the lyrics are very clear in stating that what is being talked about is innocent affection turned into unhealthy obsession- warped lights are mentioned, repeated madness... you get the point. I am not going to go over the whole song.

Teardrop is about salvation and how reciprocity can birth hope- it's about the desire to return the kindness you are shown and save those who have helped you, not out of obligation, but out of love. 'Your smile has always saved me' means 'seeing you happy made me feel at peace'. It's especially beautiful when followed by 'You can cry now', which stands for 'your happiness is a saving grace, yes, but you don't have to force yourself to bestow it upon others. It's ok to cry and it doesn't mean you'll be left behind because you've outlived your use as a tool to lift morale.' Basically it's telling someone that they can stop always being the one to help others. They've done enough, they're worthy of help, too. And the one singing is outright saying that they can take on the supporting role so the loved one can take a moment to be themselves. I think it's... very sweet. It's selfless and loving and caring. It's exactly what Spiritshipping is to a lot of people. With a tweaked interpretation, I have a GX Rivalshipping reading, too. Of course I do. It's me writing this, come on.

Now, on to I Believe What You Said. In a way, you could see it as Season 3 Soulshipping? Or just... take it for what it is if you aren't into Yugioh GX. The lyrics are similar. 'I've always felt your happiness/tears.' But it's deeply different: it's strictly talking about... empathy. 'Through empathy I've felt your highs and lows.' That in itself is just... a neutral statement. However the continuation makes it clear that that empathy, that feeling of closeness, it was something that the one singing believed was exclusive to them, something that they believe the one they love took advantage of in order to benefit themselves until it stopped being needed. 'I was the one closest to you, nobody else could feel what you felt or understand you the way I did, where has that gone?' The song is like... an accusation. 'You held me close because I was there and was capable of empathy and loved you- I thought I knew who you were, but you cast me aside. Because of you and the affection you made me feel for you, I am trapped in my own nostalgia of the times in which we were eachother's one and only.'

Now, what if I put the two together? The two singers are singing to eachother. Of course it's major misunderstanding territory, but they go well together: the one who wants to give the love back and is trying to find a way to do so and the one who has given everything they had until they were empty- the help came a little too late. The one singing Teardrop hasn't realised the extent of the exhaustion of the other, who is now desperate to drag the one they think has abused their emotions into hell with them. The rest of I Believe What You Said speaks of betrayal and 'finally seeing the truth of things' and eerie silences- so the realisation that they have been used (whether it's true or not) and the deafening loneliness that comes with it. I think... the pieces can fit together. And it makes for an interesting thing to examine.

[betweenthetimeandsound]

Three Minutes to Eternity: My ESC 250 (240-231)

#240: Joci Pápai - Az én apám (Hungary 2019)

"Hallom őt, az ő szívét a húrokon Látom őt, múló idővel az arcomon Az ő hitét büszkeség vallanom Ezeregy dalból ezt az egyet dúdolom, dúdolom"

"I can hear him, his heart on the strings I can see him, bearing the passing time on my face I’m proud to confess his faith Of a thousand and one songs this is the one that I hum"

If there's anything I love at Eurovision, is when someone sings a song from their soul. And in both of Joci's entries, he does just that.

Az en apam is a bit more sedate than his first entry (which will come soon enough), but it's calming and serene with substance. The lyrics, talking about his relationship with his father, is a touching and poetic tribute, one that people should really speak to their loved ones that care about them.

It's just a shame this song was the one to break Hungary's impressive qualifying streak; I thought they were on a path to win soon (though not with this one...). And they left the contest too; hopefully they will steer the ship back to more open waters and come back.

Personal ranking: 5th/41 Actual ranking: DNQ (did not qualify)--12th in the first semi-final in Tel Aviv

#239: Anna Vissi -- Mono i Agapi (Cyprus 1982)

"Η ζωή μας περνά, κι ότι φεύγει πονά Πίσω δε γυρνά, κι όμως κάτι μας κρατά"

"Our life passes by, and whatever leaves, we’re in pain It doesn’t come back, but something holds us together"

In most cases, the first entry somebody has sent in the contest is their best, with a number of exceptions here and there. Anna is one of them; I never liked her first entry, but her other two are fantastic.

Mono i agapi is quite lyrically simplistic--it talks about how love remains between two people, as the world changes around them. But the melody has a very loungy sound--I've heard it being compared to a James Bond theme. While I don't hear why it would be the case (other than the alluring mystery of this piece), it does give a calming vibe, and stands out in the rather mediocre field in 1982.

Personal ranking: 3rd/18 Actual ranking: 5th/18 in Harrogate

#238: Yardena Arazi -- Ben Adam (Israel 1988)

בן אדם הוא רק בשר ודם,” אבק פורח במדבר, בן אדם, בדרך העולם, כצל עובר, כחרס הנשבר "

“A human being is only flesh and blood, Dust flying in the desert A human being, in the way of the world Like a passing shadow, like broken pottery"

Yardena's time at Eurovision 1988 is best known for the anecdote where she goes to a fortune teller who said that song #9 would win that contest. When the draw occurred, Israel was slotted into that place, but was shafted up to #8 when Cyprus withdrew from having an already-released song. #9 would go to Ne Partez Pas Sans moi, which would end up winning and make history thanks to its singer.

This ends up taking away from the song itself; Ben Adam is reminiscent of older folk songs, but it takes off with its own character and flair. I also love the lyrics, which recognizes humans as flawed, without berating them as such. (We need a little bit more of that in the internet world, haha)

The flurry towards the end of the song was well-executed too, and the instrumentation is just fantastic. It feels like one was in a festival!

Personal ranking: 2nd/21 Actual ranking: 7th/21 in Dublin

#237: Amandine Bourgeois -- L'enfer et moi (France 2013)

“Tu m’as fait pleurer à vif Mon cou porte encore ta griffe J’aimais échanger de peau”

“You made me cry a lot You can still see your mark on my neck I used to like exchanging skin”

I love the dark sensuality of this song—with its blues influences, it tells a story of a relationship gone awry, but does so with sophistication. It starts out with a slick guitar line, which later devolves into a full on outrage against the lover at question.

The harshness of this song probably clashed with its opening spot, which is why it’s so underrated. Or it was because of Amandine’s styling...

Either way, it has grown on me since I watched the 2013 contest, and it gets the right vibes going...except with the lyrical story...

Personal ranking: 5th/39 Actual ranking: 23rd/26 GF in Malmo

#236: Ambasadori -- Ne mogu skriti svoju bol (Yugoslavia 1976)

"Ne molim da se vratiš Al’ molim te da pamtiš Voljela tebe samo sam ja”

“I’m not begging you to come back But please remember I only loved you”

Ambasadori was one of Yugoslavia's biggest groups, and they have a long list of who's who in the Bosnia music scene. I'm not familiar with their other music, but Ne mogu skriti svoju bol definitely highlights their artistry, along with the dark-pop take Yugoslavia had in 1970s Eurovision.

This song was initally my fifth place of 1976, but it has steadily grown until it became my fourth (knocking out Portugal in the process) The instrumentation conveys a dark mood, despite the upbeat strings and the poppy sound. There’s a grooviness in it to contrast the sullen lyrics, mourning for a lost love. It definitely stands out in the crowd; along with Ismeta's lack of makeup.

It got rewarded with a second-to-last place, which is way too low for this. And Yugoslavia withdrew for five years, and came back with a new sound...

Personal ranking: 4th/18 Actual ranking: 17th/18 in Den Haag

#235: Zibbz -- Stones (Switzerland 2018)

"Sins of the father make us fall And I can’t do anything about it"

2018 had a number of staging errors which cost several countries qualification. In Stones' cases, this wasn't the case.

Corrine has incredible stage presence, with a sense of strength and attiude as she struts on the stage. She definitely adds substance to this powerful pop-rock song, fighting against bullying in all corners of society.

To further that, she lights a flare at the bridge, which definitely hits the tone of the song home. Plus, it was an awesome moment to behold.

Basically, Zibbz did everything right--great song, thoughtful message, simple but impactful staging, and it still didn't qualify...While it has outgrown me a bit, it's still a total jam.

Personal ranking: 9th/43 Actual ranking: DNQ -- 13th in the first semi-final in Lisbon

#234: Kalomira -- Secret Combination (Greece 2008)

“An open book An open book, well, I'm sorry, I am not Sometimes I'm acting like a lady Sometimes woman, sometimes baby.”

"You maybe an open book Spongebob, but I'm a bit more complicated than that"

One third of the female-bop grouping in the 2008 contest, Secret Combination takes Greek instrumentation and American production to produce quite the gem. I could imagine Britney Spears singing this, but I also thought of the Cheetah Girls when I was listening to it. With a bit of sweetness and a touch of sexiness, Kalomira plays the different roles well--and has a cute moment when the book actually opens, revealing her in a really nice silvery dress!

Personal ranking: 7th/43 Actual ranking: 3rd/25 GF in Belgrade

#233: Avi Toledano -- Hora (Israel 1982)

"וגם ההורה, ההיא עם הה”א קולה עוד עולה, קולה לא נדם"

"And also the Hora, the one with the Hey Its voice still rises, its voice has not been silenced"

Israel had a particular style with songs from the 1980s--they are usually really energetic, with fun choreography in which everyone joins along. It makes for good results and good energy, especially when it's done well!

Hora seems to embody it in many ways, from the celebratory lyrics to the fun dancing across the really tiny stage in Harrogate. It combines Israeli folk music with a sense of joie-de-vivre, celebrating the nation (which as you will see later, may not work today...)

Avi earns himself a strong second place, but he would write something even better the following year (again, will come later)!

Personal and actual ranking: 2nd/18 at Harrogate

#232: Raphael Gualazzi -- Madness of Love (Italy 2011)

"Ma vedrai un altro me in un sogno fragile Riderai come se non ti avessi amato mai Cercherai un altro me oltre all’ombra di un caffè"

"But you’ll see another me in a fragile dream You’ll laugh as if I had never loved you You’ll look for another me beyond the shadow of a coffee"

Between 1994 and 2010, Italy withdrew from Eurovision, with only one participation in 1997. Nobody knows why, with reasons ranging from the rise of a televote to Italian disinterest in the contest, but they were certainly missed. Thanks to the late Rafaella Carra and a bunch of other circumstances, Italy came back in 2011, and they did so in style.

"Madness of Love" is frequently overlooked amongst Italy's post-comeback entries, as some of us aren't into jazz. I don't listen to the genre often, but I like this song particularly. It's flirty and sweet, under a very sophisticated soundscape which reminds me of a 1920s speakeasy. And while people are put off by Raphael's vocals, the way he lets himself go at the end of the chorus is definitely a highlight.

Basically, it's one of those runners-up that should've won against the winner of its year. But it was nicely made up for ten years later.

Personal ranking: 2nd/43 Actual ranking: 2nd/25 GF in Dusseldorf

#231: Anneli Saaristo -- La dolce vita (Finland 1989)

“Minä sammutin elämän janoa vaan Minä osasin onnea anoa vaan Jälkeen kaiken nyt saatan sen sanoa vaan La dolce vita”

“I was just quenching life’s thirst I knew how to plead for happiness After everything all I can say is: The good life”

La Dolce Vita sounds more stereotypically ”Spanish” than “Finnish”, because of its flamenco influences versus the dark pop or metal we expect from the country. Apparently, a lot of Finns travel south for vacations, which makes a bit more sense here.

Either way, it springs a bit of life and joy into a dark heart. It embraces life in its tropical vibe and Anneli’s deep vocals, and conveys a comfortable mood. Apparently, it was also known for Anneli's slight choreography, but I only noticed her standing during the instrumental.

It would be Finland’s last top ten result for many years, but the 7th place it got in Lausanne was deserved (and they should've done better, actually!). A fitting send-off for their long-time conductor Ossi Runne (RIP).

Personal ranking: 3rd/22 Actual ranking: 7th/22 in Lausanne

[shemakesmusic-uk]

Meres are leaping into 2021 - albeit belatedly - with the world’s eyes on them, and the song that's going to make them all fans is 'Stomach'. 'Stomach' is a noisy and riveting track that encapsulates Meres and all their twisted brilliance, heavily layering grunge-y guitar and thick-cut percussion with vocals that teeter between intimate and anthemic; personal and opening, but strong-armed and tall-standing in their deliverance. The end result is dark and indulgently rich, witnessing Meres soar to new heights as they continue to level up with every release. "When I look at it from a personal perspective, I know that I’d like to be a confident and brazen type of person who believes in myself easily. But truthfully, I really struggle with feeling like I don’t belong on the stage, or anywhere for that matter. I’m working on it though, and one day I hope to believe in myself the way that I believe in those around me," says Mary Shannon on the single, which also arrives alongside a video clip created by Cameron Jones. "The film clip’s original plan (I think) may have had a slightly more structured message, but when we got there on the day it just made more sense to cut loose a little, and let everyone decide what they wanted to contribute," she says, talking about the video. "It was just a great, fun and wacky day with lots of laughing and I was very happy to include so many of the talented women in my life that I admire and respect. And big thanks to Arts Tasmania who covered the costs for making this film clip, simply wouldn’t have happened without that funding." In the end, 'Stomach' showcases the peaks of Meres as they head to the studio to recording their forthcoming debut album this October - with help from Anna Laverty and Ben Simms of A. Swayze and the Ghosts, no less - and with plenty more on the horizon, it's a good time to jump on board the Meres train if you're yet to already. [via Pilerats]

Kat Cunning’s latest single 'Boys' might’ve arrived just in time for Pride, but its message is one that’s perpetually relevant. Released at the end of May, the breezy and strident pop anthem is a bold and affirming love letter to the transmasculine friends, lovers, and strangers in Cunning’s life after they noticed a lack of representation in mainstream and even LGBTQ+ media. “Don't feel alone, don't be ashamed,” they sing on the track, because you’re welcome and seen here. It’s the musician and actor’s third single to be released this year, and on Monday, Cunning unveiled its tender accompanying music video. Directed by Tee Vaden, the simple visual radiates as much heart and warmth as you’d hope. Featuring Cunning and a crew of their friends (all non-binary or trans), the video is nothing more complicated than friends hanging out, cutting each others’ hair, exercising, or laughing with each other — and it says all the more for it. “Representation of our stories can so often be about death and adversity, but it can be just as radical to show joy,” Cunning says of the video and song over a recent phone call. “The lyrics ‘We're the last ones,’ my gut really wanted to sing it, and at the end of the day it feels like [we’re] the last ones in a small town and the last ones on the dance floor in a place that we found.” 'Boys' precedes a forthcoming fuller project expected sometime later this year. [via NYLON]

Wet Leg have arrived fully formed as one of the most exciting bands in the country. The Isle of Wight duo have just signed to Domino, and with the ink still damp on their contract they've shared a brand new single. Their debut single, 'Chaise Longue' is an incredible opening gambit, matching precocious songwriting to some daring, tongue-in-cheek lyricism. A group who feel as though they are in complete control of their artistry, Wet Leg's confidence is rooted in a mutual trust is one another's abilities. Two close friends, the band worked alongside producer Jon McMullen on the single, with the legendary Alan Moulder handling mixing duties. Crisp, potent, and carefully distilled, 'Chaise Longue' is an instantly infectious document, while the self-directed visuals are a joy. [via Clash]

Toronto’s Giulia. has unveiled the video for ‘Baby D*ke’. The title of the song is about the welcome Guilia. felt from the LBTQ+ community when she came out, while clearly stating it’s not a term to be used freely by everyone. “It recognizes that – hey, you’re new to this, you’re a ‘baby’ in our eyes, but we’re happy to have you. So yes, I’m just a baby dyke, and I may be self-conscious and unsure of how to navigate this, but at least I’m here, and I can finally say that much, which is better than saying nothing at all.” [via Loud Women]

Singer, writer, and rapper Dessa has shared her new video and single 'I Already Like You.' The upbeat summer jam is the sixth and final installment of Dessa’s IDES single series — the project saw Dessa dropping new music on the 15th of each month. “It’s been a long year, man,” says Dessa. “Never wrote one before, but 2021 called for a sexy summer driving song. Windows down, volume up, and maybe a wave for the cute driver one lane over.”

West London-based genre hybrid Hope Tala reveals her stunning new single, 'MAD.' Her first new music since the release of her hotly-received recent EP, Girl Eats Sun, 'MAD' sees Hope Tala build on the bossa nova-inspired R&B that has seen her cement herself as one of 2021’s artists to watch. Premiered by Annie Mac on BBC Radio 1, produced by the multi-Grammy award winning Paul Epworth (Adele, Florence and the Machine), and accompanied by a stunning video directed by Millicent Hailes, the song serves as a stellar entry point for what promises to be a breakthrough year for Hope Tala. Speaking on the release, Hope states, “I wrote ‘MAD’ about having feelings of frustration and hysteria in a long-distance relationship. It’s about being unable to communicate properly and feeling lost in loneliness—so it’s ironic that I wrote most of the song a week or two before the first lockdown started in the UK. Foreshadowing, almost.”

Los Angeles’ Girl Friday released a new video and single 'I’m Impossible,' the first song from their forthcoming double A-side single release, with second track 'You’re Getting a Dog' available on July 7. Girl Friday’s Vera Ellen and Libby Hsieh shared their unique experience collaborating on the release: “we wrote these songs in the confines of our bedrooms divided by the great Pacific Ocean. We passed them back and forth from New Zealand to Los Angeles, like love letters. They binded us when all of our strings felt loose. They are the place where we met and danced with our shoes on the wrong feet. They like you and we hope you like them. From our bedrooms to yours.”

What do you do when you’ve fallen so deep in love that you’ve lost your sense of self? Make your way through the fog to find yourself on the other side. Or, at least, that’s the journey artist Jayli Wolf goes through in the music video for 'Would You Die,' off her new EP Wild Whisper. “I wrote this song after feeling true unconditional love for the first time,” Wolf said of the track. “After that, I learned that conditions and boundaries are very different. I used to be so fearful of love, of the power I thought another soul could have over me. My definition of love used to be more of a tragedy than anything else. As if I would have to die for it. As if love could swallow me whole. Now I understand, it’s not love that breaks a heart, it is the conditions I used to put on love,” she explained. “The music video for ‘Would You Die’ is a visual representation of me learning this lesson. Taking off my armor and bearing everything. Following an idea of love through dangerous places, and ultimately being completely swallowed up by it. When I wake up at the end, I realize that I put myself there in that darkness. I buried who I truly was to be loved in return. This song is about finding self love. Realizing that ‘the stars were never mine.’ That I could let go, that no one belonged to me. That true love is freedom. Freedom from conditions.” [via NYLON]

Offering transportive sounds and serene summer feels is the Dutch Caribbean-hailing artist Naomi Sharon with her new sun-soaked track 'Daughter of The Sun'. The artist’s jazzy vocals instantly set the sensual tone as bluesy guitars and rippling production add to the song’s overall lounge sound. With lyrics embedded in the singer’s devotion to promoting body positivity and self-love, the track is an ode to sexuality and the power of women all the while allowing the listeners to transcend their physical surroundings and experience Sharon’s musical paradise. Accompanied by flesh-flaunting visuals, sunset hues wash over ethereal and underwear-clad women as they contort their bodies in a true celebration of the female form. With the self-taught director Calvin Pausania spearheading the project, the artist’s empowerment-driven ethos and the creative’s experimental approach to directing result in a capturing of the anthem’s sexy and positivity-infused essence. [via Wonderland]

Breaking into summer with a thunderous new single Freya Beer is back with new single: 'The Calm Before The Storm'. Directly following on from 'The Siren', this is the inevitable destiny. A swirling maelstrom of feedback-fried guitars and ground-splitting percussion, the South Coast singer stands amidst it all with a towering vocal performance that hooks and haunts with perilous intent. Said to draw its inspiration from “the association of feminine energy and the phases of the moon”, Freya’s enthralling new release also offers cultish reference to one of her own breakthrough moments. As Freya says:  “The song embodies the essence of my earlier single 'Dear Sweet Rosie', but it’s more like Rosie’s older, more mature sister… I wanted it to be a ceremonial ‘esque’ experience.” With all the brooding intensity of stone-grey clouds amassing over a choppy sea, 'The Calm Before The Storm' adeptly captures the ominous expectation and intrepid excitement of a storm brewing. Produced by Peter Hobbs (The Boy Least Likely To) with Owain Hanford on drums, the outcome offers another captivating glimpse of her long awaited debut album: Beast - expected Autumn 2021.

Pop singer BANKS has shared the epic new single 'The Devil,' which aims to be every bit as haunting and provocative as the title suggests. Written and co-produced by the artist, the song is the first of many to come, per a press release, with more independently released (via AWAL) music on the way. Of 'The Devil,' BANKS says in a statement, “The devil is about being stronger than the demons that haunt you. About rebirth and transformation into the forces of nature we were born to be.” Alongside the single is an equally demonic-themed video, co-directed by BANKS. Inspired by classic horror films like Francis Ford Coppola’s Dracula and the 1992 film Death Becomes Her, the video “represents the twisted, surreal, and playful world that I exist in as the devil,” BANKS explains. “No demon can touch me as I am not tempted by their charm. Give me a rose and I’ll eat it. In this world, I hypnotize and stuff every demon in a box while I dance, fly, and play with my devil sisters. Someone write my new name down.” [via Paste Magazine]

Sweden's Tove Styrke pays tribute to her "best and worst sides" on her first single of 2021 'Mood Swings'. 'Mood Swings' is Styrke's first official release since teaming up with RITUAL in 2019 on 'Love Me Back', and is a song, according to Styrke, that pays tribute to her "best and worst sides". Styrke explains, "'Mood swings' is insane. It’s paying tribute to my best and worst sides. I really hate myself sometimes. But I’m trying really hard not to. These past three years I’ve been through depression, fell hard in love, survived a Swedish music reality TV-show, I got a car, I got stuck with millennial blues, I feel like an adult sometimes, I feel like I did as a child. I feel kinda free." The Swedish singer-songwriter is yet to follow up 2018's Sway album, but does reveal there's a project in the works, "This new project is musically like a fun puke! It’s all over the place, every song tells a story on its own and has its own mood. I got epic love songs that sound like the 60's next to tracks like 'Mood Swings' and crazy bangers. I’M not even ready. I’m obsessed with it." [via Line Of Best Fit]

Acclaimed singer-songwriter Catie Turner has released her latest single 'Therapy'. Catie invites you into a therapy session with her in the official video. 'Therapy' heralds the eagerly awaited arrival of Turner's label debut EP, Heartbroken and Milking It, due on July 16. [via Broadway World]

[getalittleclosey]

under 50k larry fic rec

hi! i’m becca and i read...so much fic. these rec lists are an accumulation of fic that i’ve read or reread and extra loved from 2016-now. there’s a wide range of stuff here and i think there’s definitely something for everyone!! i divided them up by length so you can check out all those categories below!

please make sure to read tags and warnings on all these fics!! the only things i think i can guarantee is that these are all larry, there’s no non-con, no age play, no eating disorders, no mentions of bg, they end happy, and they’re mostly aus. oh and they’re all on ao3 and some are locked so you’ll need an account! anyway i hope y’all enjoy!!!

under 5k

under 10k

under 25k

under 100k

100k+

☆ the beginning of everything by thedeathchamber 31k

“How do you take it?” Harry asked, pouring tea into a cup.

“Just a dash of milk, please,” Louis cast a look over the small table, filled to capacity. “They’re very fond of you.”

Harry ducked his head, grinning. “They’re trying to impress you.”

Louis smiled, shaking his head. “Why would they want to do that?” he asked as he took the cup Harry passed to him, their fingers brushing for an instant.

“Empathy,” Harry said under his breath.

--

A Belle Époque AU set (mostly) in Paris in which Harry is a struggling artist, in more ways than one, and Louis is a successful theatre critic and a failed writer, more or less.

☆ to kill the mess we’ve made by misandrogyny 43k

And when he's finally standing, Liam fussing over him, rubbing his hand at the red mark blooming on Harry's forehead, does Harry learn two things:

One, he wasn't actually hit that hard, and Tommo--or Louis, rather--is just as pretty when Harry is staring at him head-on and,

Two, Louis is the Adidas model he's going to be working with on today's photo shoot.

(or: AU where Harry and Louis are both models, and they decide being friends-with-benefits is a great idea. It isn't.)

☆ heart open, bloodstain on my sleeve by silkbombs (mulberrygrey) 36k

“I couldn’t help myself,” Harry admits, one hand coming to rub the back of his neck, “I stared at you for a good while before I finally got the guts to come up to you. You looked so pretty sitting there, with your little ankles and your pencil in your mouth, so enthralling… art in front of art.”

Louis’ not sure what to say, so he just kind of sits there, eyes bugging out as he stares at Harry.

“I mean, like you’re not an object!” Harry rushes out, babbling.

“I just, there’s something about you that’s so captivating, and maybe it’s the way your eyes are like a watercolor painting of the sea, or how delicate your hands look when you draw, but I just wanted to get to know you. It’s not like I pick up random boys at art museums usually, I swear. Not that I’m trying to pick you up! Unless you want to be…God, fuck I’m sorry this is so awkward now. I can go, um, if you want."

--- Or, the one where Harry's the long limbed, gangly, sweetheart who just happens be a high profile art thief who conducts heists for a living and Louis' the loud, pushy art student who just happens to steal his heart.

☆ a king beside you by stylinsoncity 26k

When the aliens invade, the last thing Louis expects is to fall in love.

☆ the boys of summer by afirethatcannotdie 45k

“I mean…we’re gonna have to sneak around anyway, yeah? Like, with that whole rules thing that I guess we’ve decided to ignore. Might make it a little more fun this way.”

AU. In which Louis is a reluctant sports coach, Harry's a fellow counselor who wears tiny yellow shorts, and camp rules say they're forbidden to date.

☆ don’t let the tide come and take me by kiwikero 29k

The aquarium in the lobby has been there as long as Louis can remember, and so has the merman inside. That is, until the day Louis loses his job and decides to set the creature free.

They set off on a road trip to the sea, learning to communicate more and more each day. Their destination is LA, but the closer they get and the more Louis gets to know the merman, the more he dreads having to say goodbye.

Or, the one where Louis decides to set a merman free and ends up finding his own freedom along the way.

☆ introduction to dynamics by juliusschmidt 29k

Louis Tomlinson is the outspoken omega in the 'Introduction to Dynamics' course Harry wishes he didn't have to take. He's nearly certain to present as a beta, after all. Things will be simple for him.

☆ saved tonight by objectlesson 31k

Harry is the world's most persistent seduction-baker, a questionable dog-sitter, and Louis's biggest fan. Louis hasn't written in years, is trying to pass loneliness off as cynicism, and absolutely hates his fans. It's probably destiny.

☆ once upon a dream by objectlesson 27k

“M’not gonna half-ass our fake relationship,” Louis almost snaps, voice sharp with a defensive edge, like Harry wandered too close to a bruise with needy fingers. “Now kiss me again. We’re gonna make every shitty tourist here wish they had stayed in the Midwest. We’re gonna burn Disneyland down with our gay. ”

Harry shuts his eyes and opens his mouth, because he can’t fucking say no to Louis.

--

Or, a fake dating AU where everyone is lying and they happen to be at the Happiest Place on Earth.

☆ rivers ‘til i reach you by embodied 29k

Louis can’t begin to understand how he’s always this close and still can’t manage to make Harry his. He stands up and gets another beer. AU. Louis studies astronomy; Harry studies Louis. They spend their summers on the water and it shouldn't be complicated (spoiler: it is).

☆ life was a song, you came along by rainbowninja167 38k

It's embarrassing how long it takes Louis to recognize his own song. Niall had sung it as a bright, hopeful love song, and that’s honestly how Louis had always assumed it should sound. But this new voice, slow and rough, stripped of any backing instrument, has infused the lyrics with just the tumultuous mix of fear and defiance that Louis can remember so clearly from the night he wrote them. It’s not a comfortable thing, to feel like someone is singing all your secrets back to you.

Louis is a songwriter trapped in a lie that could ruin his best friend's career. Harry owns a record store, distrusts everyone in the music industry on principle, but loves Niall Horan's newest album. A modern retelling of Singin' in the Rain.

☆ learning to eat by photo41 29k

Celebrity chef Louis Tomlinson has a problem. He’s opening his first restaurant in 9 weeks, and he has yet to hire a pastry chef- apparently people think he’s ‘standoffish’ and ‘rude’ and ‘quick to temper’. Whatever. He ends up saddled with an annoying, happy-go lucky rookie who also happens to be obnoxiously good looking. His tv presenter and pop star best friends only add to the drama, and for fucks sake would everyone please stop quoting Julia Child?!

Kitchen AU where Harry helps Louis re-learn how to eat. (METAPHORICALLY)

note: just to clarify this is NOT an eating disorder fic don’t worry

☆ runner on third by kikikryslee 40k

As Harry stood there, the other man turned around, and he knew he was correct in who he thought it was. “Louis?” he asked, still not quite believing it. Louis blinked. “Harry? Wh– what are you doing here?” “I work here,” Harry said. “What are you doing here?” “Um, I’m picking up my brother. The nurse called and said he was sick.” Harry felt like he was going to be sick. “Wait, Ernest is your brother? Since when do you have a brother?” “Since about seven years ago, I guess. Wait, how do you know Ernest?” “I’m his teacher.” “You’re his what?” Louis exclaimed. Harry gulped. This was going to be a long year. --- Or, the AU where Louis and Harry were best friends growing up, but lost touch after Harry moved away. Ten years later, Harry has moved back to town, but he and Louis don't pick up where they left off.

note: there are four fics in this series that total to 60k

☆ roots by cherrystreet 43k

There aren’t many things that make Harry Styles nervous. He’s spent the past couple of years on and off various stages, filled with screaming fans, all chanting his name, loud and adoring. He’s done countless interviews, some even on live, national television, never faltering over his words, answers meticulously planned out, smooth and steady. He’s signed countless autographs, taken just as many photos, and even when he sat in his label’s studio, waiting to see how high up on the charts his single made it, he didn’t feel uneasy or uncomfortable. It’s all been unbelievably fun. No, there aren’t many things that make Harry Styles nervous.

Enter Louis Tomlinson.

☆ once upon a dream by thedeathchamber 33k

Louis is psychic and gets caught in the middle of a murder investigation led by FBI Special Agent Harry Styles.

aka. the Medium/Criminal Minds-inspired AU no one ever asked for.

note: there’s a 24k sequel for this!

☆ the melody you never heard by bananasandboots 30k

It's one last adventure. One last chance to be young and carefree. One final weekend before they take up their internships, their corporate positions, before they enter the real world, fresh out of university. Niall's his best mate. Liam's been there for him since they were lost, little freshmen, trying to find their ways through an overwhelming first year. Harry can't disappoint them, even if it means enduring four days with Louis.

Louis, who he does share a history with, a history he's never told anyone about, not even Niall, a history he hasn't brought up in three years because it's stupid and embarrassing and confusing.

Or, the one where Harry gets roped into a four-day camping trip with the boy who kissed him and never called back.

☆ born to make you happy by objectlesson 26k

Harry makes a quiet vow to himself that he will be the very best girlfriend Louis has ever had, even if he never actually gets to be Louis’s girlfriend.

note: i literally had to take a break and reread this cause i love it so much

☆ close to nowhere by angelichl 35k

“I will kill you in your sleep,” Louis threatened as he quickly stepped out of his jeans.

“I don’t think that would work very well baby, seeing as you talk to dead people all the time.”

“I’ll kill you in your sleep and ignore your ghost. And don’t call me that.”

Louis and Harry are psychics who kind of hate each other. They go to Tennessee to investigate a haunting.

☆ adrenaline by reveries_passions 38k 

“Harry Styles,” Nameless Boy who now has a name says. Louis is too busy having an internal crisis to realize the boy has just introduced himself as Harry Styles. Harry Styles, only son of Des Styles, PhD, Dean of Harvard Medical School. Harry Styles, known by everyone and their grandmother. Harry Styles, star rower. Harry Styles, youngest enrolled student in graduate school at Harvard University. Oh my god, Louis thinks, mortified. I just slept with Harry Styles. As he reaches out tentatively to shake the boy’s hand, another thought hits him. Oh my god. Harry Styles is gay.

~

louis tomlinson, college dropout, up and coming dj, and gay activist, is the notorious owner of exclusive underground gay club, adrenaline.

harry styles, med student by day, partier by night, child prodigy and seemingly heterosexual son of harvard professors, is the youngest and arguably the smartest student at harvard medical school.

or: a one night stand wasn't supposed to become the greatest love story of the 21st century.

☆ bloodsport by tofiveohfive 40k

“You know how our next game is against the Cardinals, right? You remember how vicious those guys can get. I wanted us to come up with some plays, maybe work on a block from the left—”

Louis stops when he hears a chuckle.

He doesn’t think he’s said anything particularly funny, so he turns to Harry, waiting for an explanation.

“‘S funny, ‘s all.” Harry throws his finished bottle somewhere near the other discarded ones. “This is the first time you’re talking to me in eight months, and it’s still about football.”

☆ the haunting of louis tomlinson helloamhere 31k

“I'm not afraid of ghosts,” Louis said.

Every single magnet unstuck itself from the fridge and fell to the floor in a clattering cascade.

“I'm only a little afraid of ghosts,” Louis said.

*** OR: Louis is a plucky Gothic Heroine, Harry is a Mournful Spirit, and Big Country Houses are full of mystery and suspense, as Big Country Houses ever are!

☆ can i not like you for a while? by larryshares 43k

louis tomlinson is awful. harry is just as difficult, and they're both terrible to each other. it makes being in the same acapella group together quite complicated.

☆ delight in masques by kassio 28k

Popstar Louis Tomlinson has been pulling one over on the mortals for years. In the five years since he put on a human illusion and tried out for the X Factor, none of them have realised that he’s one of the Fair Folk – a cat shapeshifter, to be precise – and he’d like to keep it that way.

When he returns to the X Factor as a guest judge, the last thing he expects is for some half-Siren fool to use magic on the judges. Unfortunately, that’s exactly what Harry Styles does. Now Louis has to track down some rogue changeling before he exposes them all. Even worse? Apparently, Harry doesn’t even know what he is.

(An urban fantasy adventure, set in the world of - but not crossing over with - the October Daye book series. No need to be familiar with those books; I just want to give credit where it's due on a lot of the worldbuilding.)

☆ no love like your love by rearviewdreamer 43k

When it comes to saving the world from itself and convincing rich CEOs of environmentally harmful companies to go green, there's nobody better than Harry Styles. That is, until Louis Tomlinson, his ex and former Alpha, is involved.  

note: i love vegan harry styles

☆ for neither never nor ever by fairytalelights 29k

Then Harry looked down. A newspaper was on the steps in front of him, looking new, like it had only just gotten delivered but no one had bothered to carry it inside yet. That, in itself, wasn't unusual. The unusual thing was the headline, Chernobyl - Half a Year Later, and the date in the corner. 5th November 1986. He looked up to stare at the girl in the doorway one last time, before he did the only logical thing his body knew how to do in this situation. He bolted.

or, the one where Harry travels through time and has to come to terms with losing everything he's ever known. Louis might be the only thing that feels real.

☆ worth dying for by whoknows 45k

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Louis says, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms over his chest. In the center of the table, a set of three glossy photos stares up at him, mocking him.

“A security detail is non-negotiable, Louis, you know this,” his mum reminds him, tapping the middle photo with two fingers.

Louis doesn’t look back down at the pictures, gesturing towards them wildly, over-dramatically. “This is not a security detail!” he protests. “This is a lanky college student. In what world do you hire someone like this kid to protect me?”

☆ listen to your heart by lovelarry10 35k

Are you kidding me right now?

I… No? Louis frowned, feeling angry now. It wasn’t fair, he knew that, but at the same time, he couldn’t help his feelings. It felt like this had been brewing for weeks, and this was it. Give it a rest, Harry.

Why are you such a brat? Why can’t you just be happy for me for once?

You think I want to hear about you kissing James? Really, H? There’s things I just don’t need to know, okay? I’m your best mate, not your fucking relationship advisor…

*****

Louis has always been comfortable being Harry’s one and only. When Harry starts to branch out, Louis has a hard time letting him go.

Harry is very lucky to have someone who listens to what he has to say, despite the fact that he’s deaf. He’s finally feeling like he’s coming into himself, but Louis seems bothered by his newfound confidence.

☆ another day gettin’ into trouble by whoknows 26k

Harry’s drunk when the idea occurs to him. He’s also a pop star, so sometimes his drunk ideas turn into actual things instead of just ideas. The clone-a-willy kit is one of them.

In Harry’s defense, when he first thinks about it his intention is just to buy the kit and give it to Louis to make his own dildo with, because that’s what he wants anyway, right? To have a penis filling him up?

Then he realizes that it would be weird if Louis made a copy of his own dick to fuck himself with. It’d be super weird. Louis fucking himself? That’s a weird idea. Harry’s pretty sure Louis wouldn’t like that.

Clearly the only solution here is to use his own dick for the mold.

☆ all the right moves by cherrystreet 32k

This is the third game in a row that Harry has been distracted by the noisy boy in the stands, five rows back.

There’s really no reason that he should feel compelled to stare into the audience as frequently as he is, but he can’t help it. This boy is a nuisance. And he’s loud. Even from basketball court with nine other players running by him, shoes squeaking on the shiny hardwood floor, and thousands of cheering college students, Harry can hear this boy nearly shrieking, his laugh more like a cackle than anything.

It’s seriously obnoxious.

☆ play the odds by alivingfire 26k

Harry and Louis are best friends since childhood who, after a night of drinking, find themselves locked in a bet: first one to kiss the other a thousand times wins. Wins what? They don't know. Glory, Harry supposes. Bragging rights, though those don't do much in this economy. All Harry knows is that this is one bet he can finally win. What he doesn't expect, though, is what happens when he starts kissing his best friend on a daily basis.

Namely, he doesn't expect falling head over heels in love with his best friend.

Now all he has to do is make sure the bet never ends, so he never has to stop kissing Louis.

[fallingin-like]

november 14

14. sleeping with ghosts by @boybeaulieu​ [requested by @fuzzballsheltiepants]

see which other fics i’m reviewing this month! / my review request post!

this fic is a super cool band!au that has andrew and gang playing placebo songs and neil as a solo singer. there has great use of a non-linear timeline. be prepared to feel all of the feelings

this fic is such an emotional rollercoaster, especially with the jumps between when andrew and neil are together and broken up. the juxtaposition of happy vs bad times made everything that much more impactful. i was reading so quickly just wanting to know what was going to happen next.

parts i enjoyed:

”being back to numbness is not exactly a revelation, more of a failure” oh oof i feel this. that feeling of ‘i had hoped this would not happen but i am not surprised, just disappointed/resigned’

”he can’t stop writing songs even in his own thoughts” woah i actually relate to this a bit. a couple years ago i was writing letters to someone and i found myself constantly drafting letters in my head, narrating my thoughts to them even though they weren’t around

”smiles andrew, sharp, all teeth and no joy whatsoever” oh nO andrew ;-;

”there is no way he is going anywhere neil josten might even breathe the same air he’s breathing. no way. no, nein, njet. fifteen minutes later, he’s signing a new contract” LOL i’m interested, is this due to pressure from the rest of the band or… maybe a little bit of andrew hoping to see neil?

”the anxiety that should come with that realisation is missing, this is a moment he will remember […] maybe what he means to say is that this is a moment he will want to remember” oh this is so soft. i’m so happy, but worried because i know this all goes wrong

hhhh andrew writing about neil!! very cute. also cute is “this is the first time andrew actively asks him about his album and it shows in a way neil looks taken aback, but hopeful”

honestly reading about andrew when he’s crazy high and numb is so hard

aaron going after that technician is a great moment. even though the twins have such a rocky relationship, at the end of the day, aaron will protect andrew and andrew will protect aaron and i love seeing that.

the conversation between andrew and renee is so interesting. they have such a complicated, yet simple relationship, always knowing how to communicate without saying things, when to push and when to back down. seeing andrew feel comfortable enough to finally talk about neil is a good example of how much he trusts her

PICTURES OF RIKO KISSING NEIL EXCUSE ME WHAT IS GOING ON (i secretly love this because i love angst)

this first meeting between andrew and neil is really interesting to read. it’s basically a one-sided conversation but we learn so much because even though he’s not speaking, we get to see andrew’s thoughts and how he reacts to everything  and oo i love seeing both their tempers coming out, they clash in a way that works so well because it almost balances each other out

and with that, he turns around and makes to leave. andrew… andrew is a bit star struck.” oh the irony here

soooo does neil watch andrew leave and follow him to the roof? or does he just happen to be there (because i really want to believe neil followed him, but also wanted to give him some space)

”his monsters (nobody should ever know he calls them his, in his mind)” cute! and also i was not surprised at all because this is very in character. andrew is so possessive and, in his own way, caring 

”for once, andrew wants to be selfish, he wants to think about himself and finally, finally let go of song to say goodbye. it will either kill him or free him. he hopes it’s the latter, he used to hope it’d be the first” oh this is so sad, andrew’s longing to do something for himself for once and the reminder of when he was suicidal

”this feels like discovering aaron’s addiction and locking him in that bathroom, like watching him go in and never come back out. like breaking the door open and blowing air into his lungs and hearing nicky frantically dialling 911” wait a second. so what happens in this universe?

”the reply said: i’m sorry, one day you’ll understand” oh my goodness there has to be something more going on. what is riko threatening/blackmailing neil with?

the way that you write the relationship between andrew and aaron is really interesting, there’s so much unresolved tension. love seeing aaron finally stand up for himself and share the song he wrote

interesting the timeline you’ve gone with, having betsy and andrew not that close to each other during aaron’s trial. the trial itself… it’s very painful and i hate to think that andrew has to share such a vulnerable part of himself to save his brother

”sometimes i think about how it would be if you were the one tilda chose, wish it, even.” woah this is something that would be cool to explore. how each twin would have turned out differently if faced with the opposite situation, because although they’re twins, they’re still so different. how would it affect everything that happens in the books? i wonder if andrew would have joined exy

”exit wounds, though, is a trump card. just like neil. it will either set him free or kill him, andrew has the uncanny suspicion it’ll be the last one” hhhhh how dare you do this to me

oH DANG WHAT DID YOU DO TO NEIL? i really like that you have this from andrew’s perspective, keeps everything so suspenseful. what the heck this scene is so intense.

hmm seth’s death is interesting. to have everyone present and seeing their reactions, especially aaron’s, makes it that much more impactful

”as all over the place and exuberant as nicky is, he’s also quite observant. if he weren’t his cousin, andrew would have to eliminate him” haha this is exactly something that andrew would think, with his odd sense of affection.

”andrew realises more and more with each word that if he were to sign this, he’d be stepping from a cell into a cage” love the way that you described this

i like that you had andrew meet with bee, it’s comforting to think that through this rough time andrew still has someone around that he trusts to share with. who won’t judge him and just wants the best for him

ahh seeing the events leading up to neil’s tour gives a lot more understanding of the thought process of neil’s decision and why andrew is reacting the way he is

i actually can’t believe kevin. first of all, it’s actually pretty impressive that he has been able to hide riko contacting him for so long (although i suppose that andrew hasn’t been as observant as usually since the call). to think that he knew for so long about who neil was but didn’t say anything?? 

andrew and neil’s march 2018 fight is a big oof.

”he is done being carved open like this, with no knife or pain or malice. with interest and intrigue and plain, simple curiosity. it should feel like being carved open, it’s more like being gently torn apart” woah the wording you used for this is so amazing, i love these lines

”if you could see yourself the way i see you on that stage, you wouldn’t even think about that. it’s a risk, but one that’s worth taking, i should know about that” oh neil, you always know where to hit and how to hit the hardest

”it’s been a very long time since andrew has felt fear outside his nightmares, this unease settling in his stomach is certainly not welcomed. it also isn’t anything new” ahHHHHHHHH

neil’s performance was great, i liked that he left stage immediately and just ran straight to andrew. how did neil free himself of riko? was it since nathan was killed?

this was a really interesting fic, the changes you made from canon made it unpredictable in a good way and kept me wanting to know more. i think i probably would have found it even better, had i been familiar with the songs that you reference throughout. either way, i think the ones that you chose fit well into the story that you were trying to tell because the lyrics that you included were great. i liked the way that you used different time jumps for each section to build suspense and also reflect and show how certain events were influenced. thanks for writing this!!

[arcanalogue]

Music For Diviners - ‘The End of Time’

Thusfar, these Music For Diviners posts have explored soundscapes that aren’t merely inspirational, but may have some kind of practical utility. (To the extent that one considers divination “practical,” but why not just humor me?)

This is the history of music itself; for as long as humans have been making it, we’ve used it as the gateway to other realms of existence, other parts of the self. Our ancestors used it to elicit and express feelings there weren’t words yet to describe. Even now, language often fails us in these areas. That’s how I feel every time I sit down to write about music. 

Living in New York City is what drove me to incorporate music into my practice; no matter where I lived, silence was never an option. Like so many of you, I find it much easier to relax with a controlled background layer of noise —otherwise everything in the goddamn world distracts you by making its own tiny noise, including our own goddamned bodies. 

*duodenal gurgle*

Music is also an enticing mode of creative expression for any magician. Look, I have almost no musical talent whatsoever, and artistically I tend to stay in my lane, but tinkering with unique tracks to accompany certain experiments allows me to bypass that self-censor. Because I’m the only person it has to be good enough for, right? 

This is a neurotic preamble to explain why I’m posting some of my own homespun little music bits alongside others made by ACTUAL MUSICIANS. Because you might actually find them useful? Or perhaps they’ll help you feel permission to create some of your own. 

CASEFILE: TITANOBOA

I won’t bore you with too many of the details, but I spent a couple of years harboring a magical fascination pre-human life forms. It began with researching humankind’s most recent common ancestor with birds, as a way of retracing our evolutionary steps to the point where, had things gone one way instead of another, you might be flying and singing and laying eggs today instead of reading these words. (By all means, don’t let me stop you!)

In case you’re curious, here’s how close scientists have it pegged: 

• Archaeothyris (on the mammal side) - 306M years ago during the late Carboniferous Period (Protoclepsydrops is possibly older, but fossils are too fragmentary to be certain.)

• Hylonomus (on the bird side) - 312M years ago during the late Carboniferous Period

So at some point predating both of these species, there existed some kind of weird, ratty little lizard creature whose descendants ended up reaching VERY different conclusions about, for example, what to do about breakfast.

But I digress! Already! 

In 2012, I happened to catch the Smithsonian Channel’s documentary “Titanoboa: Monster Snake.” The gist is that 60 million years ago, an area of Colombia was dominated by the largest snake that ever lived, now known by the name Titanoboa cerrejonensis. 

Look, I don’t know what kind of serpent-y magick-y stuff you’re into... Hecate? Quetzalcoatl? Kundalini? Cthundalini? Whatever it is, I can only assume it could stand to benefit from associations with the largest ding-dang snake our planet ever produced... that we know of! 

On a lark, or perhaps as a gesture of blatant self-disregard, I attempted a couple of rituals geared toward making contact with Titanoboa across the eons and applying its symbolic potency toward certain magickal aims.

Hi mom, if you happen to be reading: sorry I’m like this! 

I shouldn’t have to point out how many of our feelings and desires are tethered in complicated ways to the experiences of our non-human forebearers. The needs which have historically compelled our species to “magical” solutions run deep, deep! We tend to forget about that since our own feelings are so painfully immediate, and our consciousness tends to remain very rooted in the present tense, to the point where we have to strain to see beyond it. Once upon a time our very survival hinged on this, but our needs have gradually evolved to the point where we crave far more than mere safety. In fact, a lot of what we crave runs completely counter to our survival instinct. It’s complicated, ya know?

Musing over all this, I decided my Titanoboa work demanded a sonic backdrop blessed by Our Lady of Poor Self-Preservation Instincts. That’s right, I’m talking about Lana Del Rey, whose “Born To Die” album happened to be released the same year as that Titanoboa doc. Coincidence? Gosh, I sure hope so!

I would only be slightly full of shit if I described this album as a fantasia of proto-human desire, expressed in the most cold-blooded ways through the idiom of American capitalism. 

To Lana (in that stage of her songwriting, anyway), love itself is an expression of darwinism. Nearly every song is about survival and sacrifice, eating and being eaten, thanatos bleeding over into eros. 

“I sing the National Anthem While I'm standing over your body, hold you like a python...”

I could go on, but you’re probably better off just going back and listening to the album.

This doesn’t even count as a digression though, since my Titanoboa devotional track — embedded up at the top of this post! — ended up consisting of just one line from the song “Blue Jeans,” the part where Lana sings: “I will love you till the end of time.”

The song is about a woman left to eternally rehash the details leading up to her gangster beau’s disappearance. You may recall, the music video (embedded below) featured LDR lounging with her love in a pool that turns out to be full of alligators — Titanoboa’s snack of choice! What a potent visual metaphor for attempting love in a world teeming with danger, recognizing one’s role at the bottom of the food chain and then wading in anyway. What do we have to fear from any mega-reptile, when our own desires are enough to cut us off at the knees? Might as well at least go ahead and pick out a nice one-piece and get our legs wet before we lose them.

The author Lawrence Durrell meditated on this at length in his Alexandria Quartet novels, and nothing would surprise me less than finding them on Lana’s nightstand. He writes:

“I realized then the truth about all love: that it is an absolute which takes all or forfeits all. The other feelings, compassion, tenderness and so on, exist only on the periphery and belong on the constructions of society and habit. But she herself — austere and merciless Aphrodite — is a pagan. It is not our brains or instincts which she picks, but our very bones.”

And later:

“By one of those paradoxes in which love delights I found myself more jealous of him in his dying than I had ever been during his life. These were horrible thoughts for one who had been so long a patient and attentive student of love, but I recognized once more in them the austere mindless primitive face of Aphrodite.“

 This may end up being a LOT of setup for what’s ultimately just a simple ten-minute chunk of “music,” which was achieved by plucking out that one lyric and sloooooowing it down, then layering it, slooooowing it down again, blending into a chunky primordial soup. The result is a many-layered hymn of cthonic moaning, with no words clearly expressed: just a slurry of proto-mammalian melancholia: austere, mindless, primitive, coiling and uncoiling in warm pools of black water. 

The warmth of it is actually what surprised me; I imagined it might turn out to be too bleak and desolate to use for any real length of time, and the last thing I need is to work even harder at depressing myself. But I’ve played it on a loop for hours at a time while I was working on... stuff, without feeling oppressed by it. I don’t really fux with Titanoboa anymore, but this bit of “music” has remained a useful tool in my magickal arsenal.

I tested the track on an unsuspecting friend recently, who detected a “strong generative energy” in it and said they’d love to use it for goddess work. Incorporate this into your appeals to Hekate, or to Venus, or your preferred source of succor in all matters primally personal. As a backdrop for divination, it’s the sonic equivalent of black candles on a black tablecloth, with things squirming in the shadows. 

So there you have it! I’ve opened up to you about my creative process and certain absurd inspirations, standing bare before you in the full splendor of my nerdiness, “blurring the lines between real and the fake,” as a certain living snake goddess avatar might put it. 

Like I said, the ultimate goal in sharing this is to remind you to take these same deep dives yourself. Follow your obsessions to their (un)natural conclusions! Risk making terrible art in pursuit of articulating the uncanny! You never know what might end up taking on a life of its own. The end of time could prove to be just the beginning!

This has been yet another installment of Music For Diviners. Thanks for tuning in!

[poppytheorist]

Scary Mask

I.

I don’t know what to say when people come apart

The road is long, the road is dark

And these are just the words to somebody else’s song

 Before I get into it, I’d like to quickly note that this is not best post to start with. Same goes for the one on “Me Laughing.” My older posts are much friendlier reads and not nearly as dense.

Okay, let’s go.

At first I thought “Scary Mask” was straightforward, i.e. Poppy uses her persona (“I wear my scary mask”) as a defense when she finds herself in uncomfortable situations (“when I’m afraid I don’t belong”). “Well that was anticlimactic.” Indeed. But, of course, this is Poppy we are talking about, and nothing with Poppy is quite so simple.

The problem with basic interpretations that sum up a song with single sentence is that such readings miss all the nuances of the work, i.e., they leave out all the fun little twists in the lyrics, the double-meanings in the lines, etc. Basically, simplistic interpretations of lyrics ignore all the poetry, which is part of what allows music to transcend language. Poetic lyrics also provide us with new pieces of language so that we can better understand the increasingly complex world around us. Nestled in the gaps between our definitions lies the inexpressible that only poetry can render sensible.

Well-written (read: poetic) lyrics are part of what allows songs to completely baffle us; they allow songs to elude simple characterization and slip the shackles of obsessive categorization (e.g., genre). A truly great piece of music leaves us speechless; we cannot simply explain it to someone. Instead, the best we can do is say, “you know what? Just listen to this,” to which they are only able to reply, “wow… you’re right.”

This is why I love metaphors and dualities. Yes, I realize the previous sentence just caused every person who hated English in school to audibly cringe. Look, I’ve been there, I get it. I used to think English was a cruel joke played at everyone’s expense and that it was stupid because ‘there is no right answer.’ Then one day, all of that changed. Almost as though a switch was suddenly flicked ‘on’ in my brain. It wasn’t until I understood English that I finally appreciated it. I’ve never wanted to go back, so hear me out.

Metaphors are essentially a way of controlling the associations formed by your brain when you read or hear a word. They can make you associate simple pieces of language with something extraordinary, and make you see things in a way you would never have previously considered.

If you’d like to get fancy, you can start introducing dualities; that is, setting two concepts on opposing ends of a spectrum. When you do so, you allow the reader to consider new and (seemingly) impossible gradations, all born from the struggle between two relatively ordinary ideas.

Take, for example, Poppy’s ‘poetry-ecstasy’ duality that she introduced in “X.” This was the first thing that made me take a more serious look at her work, i.e., “I think something else is going on here…” We know poetry and ecstasy are meant to be diametrically opposed in “X” because the colors in the music video change in sync with Poppy’s delivery.

If YouTube subtitles weren’t broken, they would read: “poetry, poetry, poetry”

Likewise: “ecstasy, ecstasy, ecstasy”

It’s not obvious that poetry is the opposite of ecstasy unless you’re in Wonderland in which case, you messed up somewhere. Moving on, when you set two concepts against each other like that, you introduce a new interplay between the two ideas. Now the audience is forced to see things from a new perspective, one they would not have otherwise considered. Or, they just ignore it, as is usually the case, but I digress.

With all this in mind, further study into “Scary Mask” reveals that some parts of the more basic reading don’t quite add up. Take, for example, lines like, “M-A-S-K, am I okay?” or “You ain’t gonna see me tonight”; these lines refuse to fit neatly into the obvious interpretation e.g., why spell out ‘mask’? Why are [they] not going to see “you” “tonight?” Most people would choose to ignore these outliers or simply shrug and go about their day. If this post’s existence didn’t clue you in, we won’t be doing much ‘shrugging’ or ‘ignoring.’

You’ve probably noticed this already, but I try to forge readings of Poppy’s work that fit as many different pieces as possible into them. To craft interpretations that capture the interplay between all the elements in a song. Often, this requires approaching the song from multiple angles, some even being right. If this post is good, each interpretation should form its own colored shard of glass, leaving the reader with a beautiful explanative mosaic. If this post is bad, grab a broom and wear shoes for a week.

Hilariously, doing justice to the more abstract bits of art usually means I have to use figurative language to explain other figurative language. “Sounds meta.” Indeed. Some puzzles can only be done justice with other puzzles, which is also why my writing frequently dips into obscurity. Close reading yields wonders, but means interpreting ‘carefully’ and ‘openly.’ “Sounds like a lot of work.” It is, but anybody can come up with a vague idea of what a song is ‘about,’ e.g., “this one’s about love!” How insightful, you should post that on Genius, that’s just what they’re looking for. I mean, really, at that point what are you even getting out of the song? A few minutes of pleasure before you move onto the next one? Is that it? Are you going to just spend your entire life constantly devouring one helping after another, waiting hungrily for your favorite artists to dish up your next meal?

I may be going to hell, but at least I won’t be stuck doing that.

II.

Rise and shine—

get out of bed!

Take my hand, 

there’s darkness ahead.

 “Scary Mask” is one of Poppy’s best songs. No, I’m not interested in arguing about this. It is also one of Poppy’s most important songs. This, however, I am interested in arguing about.

For the sake of the following discussion, I will be ignoring most of Poppy’s singles. “Metal” and “Immature Couture” and [other singles] are good but they complicate things and I don’t have time to deal with them, despite having the time to tell you how little time I have. Fancy people would probably call such exclusions “exceptionally non-rigorous,” but I’m over it.

I tried to make this section not-boring, dunno if I was successful; my writing takes on the flavor of whoever I read last, hence why the “Me Laughing” post reads like schizophrenia. Lately, I’ve been feeling especially masochistic, so I’ve been reading [redacted]. Expect that to shine through.

Let’s zoom out for a bit: “Scary Mask” is the flagship song of Poppy’s Choke EP, though I am sympathetic to arguments for “Meat.” “Scary Mask” ties the whole EP together and makes it possible. It’s critical to Choke’s ‘flow.’ This isn’t a given, I’ll explain/pretend to explain.

The structure of Choke almost perfectly mimics that of a five-act play. Yeah, like that Shakespeare guy. The EP contains exposition, rising action, a climax, falling action, and a conclusion. The methodically squeezing “Choke” sets the mood and introduces a problem statement to color the rest of the EP. With its pendulum-like bassline and hypnotizing array of voices, “Voicemail” depicts a forsaken mind becoming further and further dissociated from reality. A complete breakdown occurs in “Scary Mask,” the explosive climax of the EP and, at least so far, Poppy's work. Following “Scary Mask” comes the bleak and gruesome “Meat,” which is clearly akin to the falling action. And finally, we are given “The Holy Mountain,” the EP’s pessimistic and wistful send-off.

As for the context in which “Scary Mask” was created, Choke comes after two pop-y records, Bubblebath and poppy.computer, and a half-pop, half-??? disc, Am I A Girl. After AIAG, Poppy had a choice: back off and return to pop or double-down and bring on the metal. Thankfully, she chose the latter and made Choke. Let’s all take a minute to praise AIAG for even allowing Poppy such options, for flowing together so smoothly, etc. Okay, séance over, let’s return: “Scary Mask” carried Choke, without it, the EP would’ve been severely lacking a massive, stand-out song to serve as the EP’s creative apex.

“Scary Mask” is, in a sense, the ‘no turning back’ point for Poppy. Producing “Scary Mask” was like Poppy locking her old style away and throwing out the key; “X” and “Play Destroy” were #wild, but “Scary Mask” was the third strike. Put confusingly, “Scary Mask” was Poppy’s ‘home run’ while also being the ‘final nail in the coffin’ and other idioms. The track is so far removed from the days of Bubblebath and P.C that it actually created a distance, a gap, between nu-Poppy and Pop-y. “X” has pop elements and Poppy cutely ‘ooo-ing’; it was walk back-able. “Scary Mask” has Jason Butler demonically screaming and saying the ‘fuck’ word; fine print says “no refunds.” Or, if you’d prefer analogies that are unlikely to age well: think of a giant iceberg breaking off from the main Arctic glacier and slipping into the cold, dark sea. Once it’s off, it’s not freezing back on. In other words, once Poppy dropped “Scary Mask,” ‘princess with a pistol’ became ‘demonic metal queen.’

I’ll also argue that “Scary Mask” is the least compromising song in Poppy’s current discography. It’s her truest expression of self pre-I Disagree. All artists have to make their music listenable-enough to get bread, just like I need to make my writing readable-enough to get read. Unfortunately, compromise is inevitable, but artists can still create good music. It’s just hard and getting harder. Plus, nobody agrees what ‘good music’ even means because we have no rigorous definition for art so—

When an artist decides to really ‘go for it,’ to make no compromises, and does it well, a beautiful thing happens. That’s what “Scary Mask” is for Poppy; she decided to pull no punches, and the result was, well, “Scary Mask.”

“X” and “Play Destroy” were both successful, but they didn’t guarantee Poppy’s nu-success. “Play Destroy” had Grimes, and “X” could have been an anomaly. If Poppy went back to pop, fans could have passed off her dip into metal as ‘weird’ but ‘kinda cool’ and that would be that. However, Poppy didn’t let up—“Scary Mask” proved she could consistently make quality metal tracks, and now we’re here and Poppy is about to destroy the world or something. Nice.

In summary: “Scary Mask” functions to transition Poppy’s sound, it does a damn good job of it, and I’m definitely looking forward to her new album.

III.

You try to take the best of me

Go away

You try to take the best of me

Go away

 Alright, zoom back in. Yes, “Scary Mask” made it possible for Poppy to throw in crazy distorted guitars and for everyone to love it, but it does more than that. “Scary Mask” also transitions Poppy her(?)self, which sounds strange but it will make sense later, probably.

Now time for the fun part.

Sometimes I like to begin my analysis with a song's verses before circling back to the chorus, as was the case with "The Holy Mountain," however, "Scary Mask" is so crazy that it doesn't even matter where I start. It's what I lovingly refer to as “straight-up bonkers,” like some twisted monstrosity tearing its face off as it stumbles around in the dark. Reminds me of the psychos from Borderlands, an analogy that already has not aged well. Basically, “Scary Mask” is all over the place, so I might as well start from the ‘beginning.’ I'm going to have to pick up the pieces and stitch them into some monster that would do Mary Shelley proud anyway.

Let's dive in.

Poppy opens the song with: “I wear my scary mask when I'm afraid I don't belong.” Okay, seems pretty straightforward so far. There isn’t much to work with here, but maybe we can add some color to this line. BUILD series conducted a relatively listenable interview with Poppy earlier this year. One excerpt to note:

Interview: “Well, why wear a mask?”

Poppy: “Sometimes you just have two faces.”

Interview: “And that’s okay?”

Poppy: “Only sometimes.”

This is why I was debating just skipping “Scary Mask”—the opening line was a little cliché, and it seemed like Poppy had taken Batman Forever literally, neither of which are particularly good signs. However, I want to stress that lacking an interesting message wouldn’t necessarily make “Scary Mask” a ‘bad’ song. This idea may seem very strange, especially in modern society where it appears everyone agrees that deep themes=good art. We’ve been raised with the notion that the best art is art that tells a message, and it’s difficult for us to consider otherwise. However, not only does the conception of ‘depth’ quickly fall apart (as I noted in the “Me Laughing” post), but it’s entirely possible that thematic elements have absolutely zero bearing on the aesthetic quality of a work. In other words, ‘themes’ may not be what make art ‘good.’

Yeah, take a minute and think about that.

Anywho, after deciding I could afford to pay attention, I found many interesting things. Note Poppy’s word-choice. She uses the word “scary,” an almost child-like characterization of something fearful. Indeed, in the music video, Poppy’s hair is hidden or pulled back, giving her a youthful appearance. Look, pictures:

Moreover, peppered throughout the song are Poppy’s pouty squeals and she sings with call an almost ‘whimper-y’ tone, the end of her words marked by a spike in pitch. Obviously, we’d like to ask: why is she presenting herself to us this way?

We find answers in the second half of the line: “when I’m afraid I don’t belong.” Okay, so when she finds herself in situations where she is uncomfortable, where she is struck by the feeling of being small, almost child-like, she resorts to the mask as a defense mechanism. Now we’re getting somewhere, though I would like to ask: why is the mask “scary”?

Being two-faced does not necessarily mean the one face has to resemble Harvey Dent post-toasting, it could simply be a different side of your personality. Perhaps the next line will help:

You can’t read my brain until it’s off

Note Poppy says “brain” instead of any other word such as ‘mind’ or ‘thoughts.’ Using the word ‘brain’ signals a sense of invasiveness. Think: Sylar from Heroes cutting open peoples’ skulls and studying their brains for secrets. I’m sure many obsessive fans have tried digging up details on Poppy’s personal life and many interviewers have tried asking her inappropriate questions. It appears that Poppy wears a “scary mask” as a counter to such intrusions, as if she decided that the only appropriate response to these inappropriate behaviors was a face-to-face with the scary mask.

Holy shit, was this entire song written as a response to the AMP Radio interview? That would be hilarious.

Poppy then repeats that the mask is “not coming off.” Hey, wait a minute…

Okay, so after a fairly badass guitar interlude, Poppy begins feverishly chanting the lines: “I'm never gonna take it off, so don't touch me / Never gonna take it off, stop looking at me.” I’m sure some fans hate me because I’m always banging the drum that Poppy’s work is about obsession, and thus, appear to be attacking them, but come on, how clear would you like the message to be? Go watch “Repeat After Me” if you’re not convinced.

Anyway, in a sense, Poppy’s scary mask (read: freaky persona) operates as a shield from foreign bodies who seek to violate her personal space.

I’m going to leave Jason Butler’s lines for the end because, well, you’ll see.

IV.

In the music video for “Scary Mask,” after Poppy first puts the mask on and has a little breakdown, there are many instances where she is no longer wearing the mask, but is still acting like a possessed teen in desperate need of exorcizing. This is weird, here are some possibilities:

1) Poppy takes the mask off in the music video because she’s pretty and people want to see her lip-syncing.

2) The mask was always on.

We’re going with door #2.

Let’s look at some of the weirder lines, like Poppy chanting the incantation: “M-A-S-K, am I okay?” By spelling out ‘mask,’ Poppy signifies that the “am I okay?” question is directly referencing the mask she wears. In other words: is it okay for Poppy to wear a mask?

We already know Poppy came down pretty hard on one side of the fence when she answered “sometimes” in the BUILD series interview. My equally unambiguous answer is: “it depends.” There are many reasons why wearing a ‘mask’ is a terrible thing that slowly renders you psychologically ‘fucked,’ go read TLP or Lasch if you want more info on that (actually, you should just read them anyway). However, we’ve already established “Scary Mask” was an empowering song for Poppy because it served as a truer artistic outlet for her, so any masquerading should be approached with this in mind.

Alright, so when is it a good thing to wear a mask? How can it be a good thing to pretend to be someone you’re not?

Well, when you’re an artist, you typically create art to express something. Often, this ‘something’ is deeply personal to yourself. You put a lot of yourself into your work. This means criticism of your work can really hurt. After all, if someone calls your [song/painting/writing] ‘trash,’ it’s like calling you ‘trash.’ It feels like that criticism is aimed directly at that piece of yourself you put into your work. Yeah, that sucks. Sometimes it’s so difficult to bear that you avoid creating anything so you don’t have to be faced with such attacks. You forgo creating art because the injurious potential of criticism is too daunting. Without a creative outlet, your feelings remain bottled inside, slowly eating away at you from within. It’s a lose-lose game and everyone’s the player.

So, you ask: “what do I do?”

Well, that’s where the mask comes in.

The artist can use a persona to get around these problems. In other words, putting on a mask can actually allow you to finally be yourself, which seems paradoxical, but I’ll explain.

Take, for example, me. After reading enough of the silly words I write, you may start to form a picture of me in your head. To speculate and fantasize about what I actually look like or how I actually act. Without even knowing your thoughts, I can assure you that any such conceptions are completely inaccurate. I know that I’m not actually as [adjective] as you imagine me to be because I work with a protective persona. The persona allows me to write without worrying too much harsh criticism. Hence, with a persona, I can safely express myself through my work.

The same is true for Poppy. As I’ve noted in previous posts, Poppy has a lot to say about the world. She would like to express these messages artistically, but it’s not always easy to face criticism of her work (and Poppy gets a lot of hate). By adopting the ‘Poppy’ persona, Poppy is able to safely express herself. To finally say what she wants to say. To be who she really wants to be. And when she is faced with scathing criticism, she is able to continue her work undeterred because it feels like the criticism is directed toward Poppy (persona) instead of Poppy (person).

An alternate (and hilarious) reading of the lines “M-A-S-K, am I okay?” and “I’m alright, I’m alright, I’m alright” would be to imagine them as part of a demented question-and-answer period with Poppy. Many of her fans have expressed concerns over the effects of living your life pretending to be a [robot/alien/demonic angel], not to mention the section of Poppy’s fan-base who seem to constantly worry about Poppy being Titanic’s so-called ‘puppet’ and that he is abusive towards her. You can interpret Jason Butler screaming “I’m alright, I’m alright, I’m alright” as Poppy’s response to such concerns. Seems like an appropriate answer to me.

V.

You try to take the best of me

GO AWAY

YOU TRY TO TAKE THE BEST OF ME

GO AWAY

YOU TRY TO TAKE THE BEST OF ME

GO AWAY

 There are some remarkably odd lines in “Scary Mask” that need some serious groundwork to render sensible, so let’s switch gears for a second and complain about pop music. Yes, I know. It’s not exactly brave (let alone novel) to decry pop music as a vapid and soulless caricature of art, but I find it therapeutic. Plus, I’m clearly writing a narrative here. If these words make you indignant, first ask yourself ‘why?’ and then relax. I listen to pop music too, most of which is terrible. Also, I’m talking about the correlation, not the rule. If you fight me with exceptions, I’ll hit you back with trends.

Pop is the most apologetic music genre out there (though mumble rap and country are giving it a run for its money, literally); pop music’s main purpose is stated by its terminology: it exists to be popular. To be as widely palatable as possible so as to garner as many listeners as possible. The implications associated with a genre revolving entirely around popularity for the sake of commercial success are pretty disgusting. I’d even go so far as to say the existence of ‘pop’ as a musical genre is a strong indicator that culture is no longer treated as an essential component to human society, but is instead only another industry, and has been for a while. People love celebrating the façade or appearance of culture (partially so they can consider themselves ‘cultured’), but the truth is that culture now exists mainly as a commodity to be endlessly repackaged and sold back to people under the guise of ‘art.’ “I blame capitalism!” Sure, and you may not even be wrong, but that’s a discussion for another time. The point here is that to successfully create music with value, music that isn’t just a meaningless product, one needs to escape such a hyper-commoditized regime i.e., the corporatized pop-music industry.

Business-wise, Poppy did this by ditching Mad Decent and signing with Sumerian Records, an independent label which will hopefully make her very happy. Music-wise, she also had to transition. Recall: putting on the mask (read: persona) allowed Poppy to be herself and make the music she wanted to. So, to evolve her music, she had to also evolve the mask. After releasing two and a half pop records, people will generally expect, well, more pop. People don’t like when their favorite artists abruptly change, probably because they don’t wish to face the idea that said artists were never making music for them in the first place. Either way, for Poppy to tell tales of an impending apocalypse or drop an insane metal album like I Disagree, she had to ease fans into it. Musically, this is the second half of AIAG and the entirety of Choke, but it’s also a perfect encapsulation of “Scary Mask.” It’s possible that the bipolar nature of songs like “X,” “Concrete,” and “Scary Mask” is only due to Poppy trying to transition her sound without upsetting too many fans. Hence why these songs incorporate lighter sections to balance out the darkness. Perhaps “I Disagree” is as dark as Poppy’s going to get, but given recent news of her hanging out with Nadya Tolokno from Pussy Riot, I doubt it (“don’t know how long until they see the rest of me”).

This is also where Poppy’s YouTube videos come in. While producing new music, she can quickly put out a few videos and slowly ramp up the darkness, facilitating a comfortable change in artistic tone for the fans. Something, something, frogs and hot water.

Considering all of the above, I agree with something @thatpoppyuk said a while back in regards to people saying “Moriah is coming out!” when Poppy dyed her bangs:

Not only is it potentially insensitive to call Poppy ‘Moriah,’ it’s simply inaccurate. For better or worse, people don’t regress, they progress. Poppy is not doing something so #basic as ‘returning to her roots,’ she is becoming who she’s always wanted to be.

VI.

Now that we have completed the necessary groundwork, we are able finish off the rest of the song. Lyrically, “Scary Mask” is rather focused; we’ve actually covered all of Poppy’s lines, so I’d like to examine the role Jason Butler from Fever 333 plays in the song.

I’ve actually refrained from gushing about how good “Scary Mask” is until now, but I don’t think I can contain myself any longer. Fever 333 was an excellent feature that perfectly meshes with Poppy’s harmonics and the chomping guitar riffs. Not only that, but lyrically, Jason Butler brings an insane performance. He brings scary mask to life.

Fever 333’s role in the song is complicated and will take multiple approaches to flesh out. First, consider the scary mask (Jason Butler’s lines) as an entity speaking for Poppy, as though it were some demonic hype-man:

This would then explain the line, “well you heard the woman, so fucking look away.” It appears that Poppy needs someone telling others to “fucking look away,” betraying a sense of dependency. After all, if Poppy could handle such onlookers on her own, she wouldn’t need someone else telling them to ‘beat it.’ We may interpret this as a sign that Poppy has come to rely on the shielding-nature of the mask. She relies on her persona for protection, but reliance gives way to over-reliance. Naturally, substitution and dependency follow.

However, this isn’t wholly satisfying, nor is it very charitable. Let’s consider another, more empowering, approach, this time as Poppy speaking through the mask. In this case, a synthesis is underway between Poppy and her new persona (read: scary mask). During the violent transformation, she screams and struggles as the darkness of the mask washes through her, until the process is complete and both are one. Or, rather, Poppy is transcending her persona through her persona, a process of metamorphic self-realization.

Approaching the relationship between Poppy and the mask as a symbiotic one will perhaps explain one of the most bizarre lines in all of Poppy’s discography (minus every line in “Voicemail,” of course): “You ain’t gonna see me tonight!” I mean, what the hell. It’s difficult to explain how much this line confuses me, words simply elude me. This is one of those lines that normal people would shrug and come up with a half-hearted explanation such as: “well, Poppy is wearing a mask, and because she is wearing a mask, you aren’t going to see her. You know, because she’s wearing a mask.” Poorly-conceived explanations such as these negate the whole point of studying art. You can’t just jerk responsibility when ‘the going gets tough.’ The reward isn’t merely the end result, and people who believe this are the exact same people who Genius exploits. It is the work, the method, the climb, the struggle that is important because it is while grappling with the piece that one learns the most about oneself. With that being said, this line has haunted me for three weeks now, but I think I can do it some justice.

First, we examine the context in which the line appears in the song. The line first appears near the beginning of the song, wedged between a crushing guitar interlude and the Poppy’s staccato-ed “M-A-S-K, am I okay?” build-up. Then the line comes again at the end of Jason Butler’s insane post-chorus breakdown which is interlaced with Poppy’s disembodied screams. This second appearance follows a punchy chorus from Poppy and directly precedes a charged guitar solo and Poppy’s explosive final meltdown. From all this, we notice that “You ain’t gonna see me tonight!” is always delivered amidst a great deal of turmoil, always sprinkled into the middle of a violent episode.

Next, we look at the line itself. “Ain’t” and “gonna” are very colloquial, like the speaker hasn’t been taught to speak ‘properly’ or has lapsed into a state where they are unable to or simply do not care. I’m also picking up a touch of mentally-disturbed giddiness, as if some deranged killer is frothily barking this at you outside your window while his head jerks around. “Well, I’m definitely glad not to live on the ground-floor.” Likewise.

I must comment, however, that “Tonight” is an odd word choice. “Well, maybe they just needed a word that rhymed with ‘alright’?” Remember what I said about giving up when things get difficult? No, “tonight” relates a sense of shadowy immediacy, like a doom drawing near. Perhaps Poppy is about to descend upon the world, shrouding it in darkness with her black angel wings.

Hence, “You ain’t gonna see me tonight” relates the sense of foreboding violence that comes with Poppy’s new persona. This makes a lot of sense in the context of Poppy’s work because I Disagree is likely going to be her most aggressive album yet. See, for instance, “I Disagree.”

Basically: full dark, no stars; Poppy’s out for blood, time to take cover.

VII.

In summary: the ‘scary mask’ is a protective garment for Poppy as well as an empowering one. The adoption of an artistic persona allows her to cope with criticisms and continue her work. Recently, she has adjusted her work, and thus, her persona, to something truer to herself, and “Scary Mask” was an integral part of her transition.

Well, wasn’t that fun? I know I enjoyed myself.

Wait, what? You have a question? Ah, wait—I know what you’re thinking:

“If Poppy only wears her ‘scary mask’ when she’s ‘afraid she won’t belong,’ then why is she ‘never going to take it off’?”

Well, maybe she feels like she will never belong.

[draftno9000]

Lady Gaga’s Enigma: Inside the outside.

"Music is essentialy twelve notes between any octave; all any artist can offer the world is how they see those twelve notes.."

It's an understatement to say that Las Vegas is one of the most important cities for the music industry and entertainment, to the visitors it offers endless sources of multiple activities that take the daily routine and stressful daily life pressure away and bring lights, fun and even gambling to the table. But in this case, the city specially takes music performances and concerts to another level. For years, the streets of this city in Nevada kept in their hearts the talents of enormous and really iconic legends as Cher, Celine Dion and Mariah Carey, (just to mention some of them) and made them look like they were a gem needed of perpetuation and admiration that attracted millions of followers to one single place. On an artistic way, we should consider Las Vegas residencies as a museum of the most emblematic artists that are not afraid to build a mind-blowing show that could easily overshadow their scene domination and vocals skills. 

On March 2018 Lady Gaga made official her Las Vegas residency starting on December 2018 until late November 2019, with a total of 74 shows. As the name was published, 'Enigma' quickly created a hot burning fuss around her loyal fans and set the record straight on aiming to give a premium quality show. As months went by since the show announcement, Gaga flashed on social media a bunch of pictures and videos that were able to get into the followers minds and grow inside the seed of high expectations and enigmatic elements that would make the attendants gasp and ask for more. It was already clear that the main objective was already fulfilled: entertain. But the game-changing factor about preparing a full pop concert for months is to go further than the expected.

It's really important to remember that music labels bet more than money on letting one of their artists sign an exclusivity contract with a single venue or hotel as Ceasar's Palace or MGM hotels when there are hundreds of safer reputation-linked options for an artist career. A residency is an ultimate risk: it could make a whole career that took years to be stablished among thousands of other singers or bands look like a forgotten artist ready to farewell, or add a priceless milestone to the ongoing performer. 

As the main doors for general admission opened at 9:00 pm on December 28th for the opening night, Gaga's crew had already made a fucking big statement by letting people witness a breath taking simple stage that could only make you wonder: What is this? in a good way. When you hear 'Gaga' you can think of a million ways to descrive her, but I think the most accurate and simple word to break her down is: crazyness. Which is not helping her at all. Even if she wanted to sit on a chair with brown hair and make everyone shiver on their seats with her un-taming vocals, everyone would be asking for more. Because we're at Park MGM in Las Vegas, you'll demand to make every penny spent on your ticket worth it. 

The lights turned off and a flying- full of light and mirrored-suited Lady came down the ceiling with a keytar attached to her guts and her hands, ready to unbelt a nailed opening track: Just Dance, followed by general public recognized bangers as Poker Face and LoveGame. At this point you already owe money to the backstage work made to wow you. The perfectly fitted outfit, the theme-according electric blue wig that remains flawless through original choreographies, and the sassy-attitude dancers beg for more than your attention, your live-experiences passion. 

As the 'Venus' performer quickly changed her look from weave to heels, a set of fan-favorite hits were about to play. 'Dance In The Dark' refilled the fan base's hunger with a live perfomance of a song that she didn't sing since her 'Monster Ball Tour' on 2010; full of energy and obscene pop dance moves Gaga gave her little monsters the flashback moment of the night. As 'Beautiful, Dirty, Rich' and 'The Fame' blasted the speakers for a 5,000 crowd, the attendants were singing along to memorable non-single lyrics but the critics went to the doubt point as wondering if they were a wise choice to include on the setlist, which personally I think it wasn't.

With only 5 studio albums, an original soundtrack and 21 official singles, it gets complicated to dismiss songs that most of the people awaits and include long-time forgotten and underestimated tunes to bring a spin to the expected. 'Telephone' made the cut by closing the second act of the show while 'Applause' got to open the next one with no big excitement along. Choices.

The whole 2 hour show is narrated and story-told by 'Enigma' a digital high technology character that interacts with Gaga through the interludes and give an unnecesary story to the experience. As we know, the thin line between giving meaning to a concert's concept and making it hard to understand, was crossed with Gaga's abduction into another kind of paralel universe. When alienated Gaga is flying on a metal orbit above the crowd while singing Paparazzi we couldn't help but to enjoy the obligated awaited song and ask for more. But then, it happened. 

The awkwardness swallowed the crowd into Gaga's versatility as writer, singer and performer while she sang an epic performance of ARTPOP's opening track Aura while her black-leather corset pushed her vocals and body moves to her finest. '..Enigma pop star is fun..', right?

Nobody asked, but she gave us anyway a recipe for jaw-drops: First, get back on stage while riding a metal-aracnic robot. Second, play a fake-german non-single for your most loyal fans: 'Scheisse'. And last but not least, rock a metalic and futuristic styled outfit that lights up your boobs while you command everyone to dance and sing their lungs out. Period. And, as a hardcore pop enviroment was flotating in the air, 'Judas' started playing hitting the high notes and a violent role-play for almost 4 minutes. For the third song of the act production could have wrote *Madness* on the setlist instead of spelling the track's title 'Government Hooker'. At the end of the segment comes a cover of David Bowie's 'I'm Afraid Of Americans' as a friendly reminder of two essential Lady Gaga's components: legends as inspiration and a political message hidden underneath colossal synths.

I will always stay true to the belief that when you have an integral timeless pop hit as 'The Edge of Glory' or 'Alejandro' all you need to do is sing and dance your talents off and you'll get to a most memorable moment on the attendant's memories than a full of props-already expected performance. The MGM Park venue bowed down to sing along the piano chords fully live played by Gaga while perfoming 'Million Reasons' and 'Yoü and I' with the tender and notorious comfort that she gives to every note just to achieve a moment of recognition that bleeds vocal maturity and passion.

The night was almost done when a latex-styled, blue-wiged and fearless Gaga performed her 10-year career anthems. 'Bad Romance' set the room on fire with an explosion of pop mixed with nostalgia just by standing alone underneath a bright light dancing it's iconic choreography that's been kept on our minds through the years. You don't need to be a fan to recognize that those dance moves were born with the melodies and brutal lyrics that made this tune a hymn. The encore wouldn't be as satisfying if she didn't put 'Born This Way' at this precise moment to remind once again that she's come a long way by staying true to her beliefs and fighting for them.

The last song threw us out off the deep end while Gaga performed 'Shallow' along a black simple shirt that belongs to her first moments on the industry and a squicky-clean-mirrored piano to reach the already legendary high note that everyone can now sing to make your emotions shiver and open your senses to a melody that will now, last forever.

Just as her versatility and mind-blowing open-hearted talent, there is no conclussion here. Enigma takes all the little things you expect it to be and bury them on the heated Vegas floor to make you understand that you just witnessed a well-thought show built around 21 songs that tell a story and make a statement that this is not retirement show, but instead, a big moment on the entertainment history in a city where anything can happen.

[kaylewiswrites]

Drunk WIP Week Day 3 - The Forgotten Grave Society

For those of you who haven’t heard me yelling about this for the past three days, I’m shrugging off the burden of trying to look like I know what I’m doing, and introducing my WIPs the way I do when I’m drunk and excited. 

If you like assholes, superpowers, camping, and people who almost get along, check out Day 1. 

If you like slow burn lesbian romances, political intrigue, ragtag groups who come to love each other, and deserts, try Day 2. 

If you like empowered middle school girls who start to see dead people, then congrats, you are, temporally, in the right place. 

The Forgotten Grave Society

Premise:

Today is easy. The world building is like, nothing. 

TFGS takes place in a small town in a small state, where life on the seaside brings in tourists, and also, sometimes, ghosts, apparently. (I am really liking excessive commas today, aren’t I?) The story begins in the small town on the mid-Atlantic on the first full day of summer vacation, in a graveyard that is commonly overlooked. 

Characters:

Marcy: Here’s a girl who looks average, not tall or short, tan or pale, large or small, and has not one single physical feature that makes her stand out. Bank robbery is Marcy’s backup career, since so many people overlook her. But her personality makes up for the middle ground that she exudes: All or nothing. 

She’s either trashing her room, or organizing everything by color. She cooks gourmet meals or rips cold rotisserie chicken straight from the fridge with her hand. To her coaches annoyance, she’s unable to figure out jogging. You can’t just sprint and walk, he tells her. But she doesn’t really get it. 

Marcy spends a lot of time in her own head, and it’s very, very easy for her to miss where the conversations around her are going, while she takes a side path down another road, and by the time she brings up something she founds there, everyone else is miles away. She got laughed at a lot because of this, and now rarely talks with all of her track friends. 

Talents include: running, jumping, getting A’s the three times a year she studies, cooking, and being brutally honest without meaning to be brutal. 

Ava: Ava was born the cutest child you had ever seen. Perfect brown ringlets in her hair, cherubic round face and rosy cheeks, innocent freckles underneath her big round eyes, everyone just adored Ava from the moment they saw her. And then she opened her mouth. 

Ava hates having high expectations held over her head, so she’s learned how to dash them as soon as possible. On the first day of first grade, the teacher called on Ava to introduce herself first, (since she would obviously become the teachers favorite, by the look of her). Ava stood up on her chair and gave a loud, scientific description of how babies were made. She’s been a class clown ever since. 

Known talents are: Causing a scene, making fart noises, disrupting the class. She hides the real ones: sculpting and casting, non-fiction reading, getting under Marcy’s skin (ok, maybe she doesn’t hide that last one)

Ronnie: Everyone knows Veronica is going to become some big engineer or bio-chemist or astrophysicist. Her grandmother was the first black professor at the Marine Biology Department that’s housed in their small town,  so she knows she’s got big shoes to fill. 

But the truth is, Ronnie doesn’t know what she wants to do. She hates that question. You know what she likes? Reading. She likes reading her text books and science theory books, and she likes reading cheesy romances, too. She likes conducting complicated experiments, sure, but she gets just as much pleasure out of the simple steps of her skin-care routine. She relishes in routine and anything she breaks down into small rituals she can. Making a sandwich. Programming a robot. All straightforward if do it one step at a time. 

Talents include: almost anything STEM related, designing inventions, choosing cute outfits, memorizing song lyrics, and coming up with really cool club names.

Plot

Its the first day of summer, and three very different girls from different classrooms and different friend groups somehow find themselves in the same graveyard. 

While there, they realize that a lot of these graves are like, really, really old. People aren’t putting flowers out for them like they do for the new ones. The girls decide to remember those graves for them, and thus the club is born. 

They spend the whole summer hanging out in a graveyard, cleaning stones and making bouquets of definitely-not-stolen-from-people’s-yards flowers. But when it’s time to go back to school, they feel themselves being torn apart by clubs, friends, and work. When they meet in the graveyard again to try to figure out what to do about this, they see a ghost. 

Of course ghost-seeing powers would kick in in September and not June, they think, but discovering the supernatural is real IS a good motivator for spending more time with each other. The Forgotten Grave Society decides to be both about sitting around graves eating snacks on warm summer mornings AND solving ghost problems so they can move onto the next life/afterlife/whatever you believe in (this book takes no assumptions into what happens after the ghosts leave). 

A short snippet is under the cut if you’d like to read! I’m always open to questions, comments, and critiques, so don’t be afraid to give your thoughts. I’m tagging @aomory for this post. If anyone would like to be tagged in more Forgotten Grave Society stuff, let me know! The WIP page is here. 

"Do you think they know?" Ava asks after two weeks of remembering. It's early July, hot and hazy, and humid enough at 9 in the morning that all three are planning on battling tourists to take a dip in the ocean later in the day. They remembered a woman that day, Elizabeth Holson, who died in 1931, and now they're eating lunch in front of her grave. The three girls sit with identical bags of salt and vinegar chips (on sale) and fruit cups filled with syrup. “What’s we’re doing, I mean.”

"You're asking if we believe in life after death," Ronnie responds.

"Well, I guess it's implied," Ava shrugs.

"No." Marcy shoves some chips in her mouth.

"Well, that’s decisive," Ava snorts.

"It seems like a natural, human response to death for me," Marcy states. "Think about it. You see someone die, you realize that one day you will too, and you panic. The idea of nonexistence terrifies people. So they say, no, when you die you go to somewhere better, where you're always young and your whole family is there, or all your stuff is there, or you come back to earth as something else. It's either that or admit that you and everything you know is temporary and unimportant to the world as a whole."

"That's logical, I guess," Ronnie admits. "But I like the idea that something comes next."

"Exactly my point."

"We learn about heaven in Sunday School. I'm going to go ahead and believe in that. It sounds the best."

"In science we learn that matter can't be created or destroyed, only changed. Maybe that happens when we die."

"What do you mean?" Marcy asks. "When, like, a flower dies, it's just gone right? It'll break down into nothing." She gestured at the dead flowers still sitting in front of their first grave. What remains of them are shriveled and dark.

"You're right about it breaking down, but not into nothing. It's releasing carbon dioxide into the air, bugs and larvae and fungi are eating it and turning it into energy the same way we do with food, releasing it as waste, which continues to break down further. All the different parts that made it a living flower are separating back into nature. Remember the Periodic Table? Everything in the universe is made up of those elements, and nothing can ever be added or subtracted."

"So a human body does the same thing. If it's not cremated, it breaks down into it's elements," Ava follows. "What does that have to do with an afterlife?"

"You're body breaks down, but your body isn't the thing that goes to heaven, right?"

"No, it's your soul."

"Exactly. So if nothing can be removed or added from the equation, I think we might be reincarnated."

Ava chews on the tiny plastic spoon that came with her fruit cup. "You're assuming that a soul is made of matter."

"Everything else is."

"But then wouldn't we be able to see it? Feel it?"

"The air around us has mass, but we can't see it, and can usually barely feel it."

"Wouldn't it have to be made of some of your elements?" Marcy asks. "Someone would probably have noticed it by now."

"There could be different molecular constructions that we don't have the technology to detect, a new isotope we haven't thought to look for-" She realizes she’s lost them. "Science is growing every day. Sometimes impossible things are just things that haven't been explained yet."

"You've been thinking about this for a while?" Marcy asks.

"No. Not until Ava just asked."

"This is what we get, making friends with the smart girl," Ava laughs. "So. What's your theory's answer to my question? Do you think these people know what we're doing?"

Ronnie thinks for a moment. "I doubt it. That would imply that they are somehow omniscient about anything that is connected to their past lives. Do you guys have any memories of your old graves?"

"That's a weird thought," Ava shudders. "And no."

Marcy shakes her head.

"Which means that people, or most people, disconnect from their old life when they start a new one. Or it means that my theory is wrong," she chuckles.

"So if you two don't think they know, why are you doing this?"

"I don't think it matters if they know or not," Ronnie says.

"It's like when you do someone a favor,” Marcy says before chugging the syrup from her fruit cup. “If it's important that you take credit for it, then you're not doing it for them. You're doing it for you."  

"Wow. Such kind words from the girl that split open Hannah Bover's lip over a boundary dispute."

"Her foot crossed the line, that shot shouldn't have counted-"

"So you elbowed her in the face?"

"I like doing it," Ronnie cuts in, knowing how long Ava could keep Marcy on this track. "It's peaceful, and it makes me happy. Do we need a reason?"

"Maybe we're subconsciously afraid of being forgotten, so we're trying to remember everyone else. I know I want people to say my name after I'm gone. Everyone deserves to continue existing,” Marcy says with a shrug.

"So Ronnie comes for herself. Marcy comes for them."

"Who do you come for?"

Ava wraps her arms around her legs, as if she were cold. "Neither of your theories allow for ghosts."

She avoids their eyes, and looks very un-Ava-like all of a sudden.

"Do you come for ghosts?" Ronnie asks in the most neutral voice she can manage.

"No," she says defensively. "I mean, I-I didn't. I like doing this, and- just- wouldn't it be cool? If they were watching us, from the shadows, appreciating it?"

Ava becomes more and more nervous as the silence stretches on. Finally, Marcy smiles.

"You're assuming that they're all nice."

[astrotranslations]

ASTRO for Singles (2017 November issue)

Give us a hint about your new album. Cha Eunwoo: If previously we were "shy boys who fell in love" then I think with this album, it’ll be the complete opposite of what we’ve done up till now with fans who look at us being the ones to feel shy and skittish as they listen to the song. Instead of a boy who beats about the bush because he feels bashful, fans will be able to see a straightforward and manly ASTRO (laughs).

Are there any goals you would like to achieve through promotions of the new album? JinJin: Ranks aren’t everything but I think I’ll be really happy if we won no.1 on a music show. I also hope that we’ll get more chances to communicate (with our fans) through many more events other than fansigns and fanmeetings.

Is there another method like your solo concert held last July in which you can communicate even better with your fans? Cha Eunwoo: Thanks to our fans, we were the ones who gained strength instead. Should I describe it as a moment where we found another reason as to why we need to work even harder in the future? For our Japan concert, we prepared a separate song in Japanese and surprisingly, the Japanese fans sang along from start to finish so I was extremely touched.

Did you make any mistakes? Cha Eunwoo: We wanted to show a different side of ourselves during the concert so we made fresh arrangements of songs already under our belts and also fixed the choreographies. But because of that there were occasional moments on stage where we got mixed up. Once when I made a mistake, I copied JinJin hyung who was standing in front of me but turns out he got the choreography wrong too so we were moving around in a state of confusion mid-performance (laughs). Yoon Sanha: It was hard getting the timing right for when we would change clothes as the song changes. MJ hyung and JinJin hyung also urgently ran for the loo halfway through (laughs).

I heard that before you debuted, you put up performances for around 8 weeks at the concert venue of an amusement park. Yoon Sanha: We became more relaxed on stage ever since the experience from back then. There’s a clear difference from when we had zero experience. It’s because we learnt how to make eye contact with the audience and how to connect with them. We had to create new performances every week so having to always put our heads together and look up things for the week’s stage was kind of hard. A week really didn’t seem long.

When did you harbour the dream of wanting to stand on stage? Rocky: My mum was watching the TV when she came across Rain’s stage and exclaimed how cool he was. With that one word, I formally learnt dance since I was 4. MJ: When you watch concert videos, isn’t it mostly made up of the cheers and sounds of applause from the audience? I felt the bliss from those sounds. I imagined that one day I would also be able to hear the audience cheering and clapping for me as I stand on stage. Moonbin: I appeared in DBSK’s Balloons music video when I was younger. I looked at them and it was then when I started to nurture my dreams of becoming a singer. If the opportunity arises in the future then I’d like to stand on stage together with them. Yoon Sanha: Becoming a singer was my dad’s longtime dream. Even though he wasn’t able to realize his dreams because of complicated household circumstances, he would play the guitar every now and then at home and sing to me. Thoughts of wanting to fulfil my dad’s dream in his place crossed me. JinJin: After hearing at a young age of 7 that becoming a celebrity would earn me a lot money, I dreamt of becoming one. Later on I fell in love at first sight watching Rain’s and Lee Hyori’s stages on TV and went head in preparing myself.

When was the moment you were the most proud of after having achieved your dream of becoming a singer? Rocky: As I was nurturing my dream, I would gain strength whenever I listened to music and there were lyrics I could empathise with. Now that I’ve become a singer myself, I think I can be a source of strength to someone else. A sense of responsibility is instilled in me just by having those kind of thoughts. JinJin: I would talk to our fans through our official fancafe and we’d share our concerns with one another. Even now I’m still amazed at and proud of how we can give each other strength just through simple replies to comments or through short posts alone.

If there was a singer that ASTRO would like to take after? MJ: Shinhwa who have maintained their firm teamwork for really long. I especially want to resemble them in terms of their constantly joyous atmosphere.

I noticed you were pulling pranks non-stop throughout the filming for today’s pictorial. ASTRO are definitely cheerful. MJ: There’s no chance for us to be bored when the six of us are gathered together. In the dorm when one of us starts messing around, we’d react to him one after the other (laughs).

I heard the eldest MJ and the youngest Sanha are like 'Tom and Jerry'. Moonbin: Not too long ago I spotted the two having a water fight between themselves with the water from our water purifier. They’d get sulky with each other but also make up quickly.

Having six guys go around together would always make it feel like a sitcom. Cha Eunwoo: We have an even number of members so it’s good for betting. Even when we eat or drink coffee we’d have to go into it with a game no matter what. We’re recently really into bowling and screen baseball. JinJin: Everyone puts their lives on the line the moment we start a game. MJ: We were looking for new methods of stress relief and started healthily betting. Though if our team loses then it just means the stress continues to pile on (laughs).

There are people who relieve their stress with work. JinJin: I’ve been completely immersed in rap making. I get topics for my lyrics from various movies. Even with love stories, there are different kinds. I recently watched the movie 'Her' and tried writing lyrics about the emotions I felt. Rocky: I’d watch movies and then put myself in the situations which the protagonist faces. I’d write my lyrics imagining what I would say or what I would do in that moment if I was the protagonist.

I heard that Eunwoo is an exceptionally hardworker, one who doesn’t lose out to ASTRO’s rappers. The no.1 thing on your bucket list is apparently "obtaining 20 licenses"? Cha Eunwoo: I’ve got some leisure time lately so I started looking all out into the licenses and classes which I was originally interested in. At the residents’ center in my neighbourhood, you can learn sign language for only $2 per month. It’s a pity I couldn’t find a time in my schedule since I got busier because of comeback preparations. I also looked up the license for being a soccer referee. Apparently you need to sit down for a written test and be a referee for more than 100 matches. So I’ve given up on that license and started on tennis (laughs).

If ASTRO were to set a no.1 on their bucket list which they definitely want to see realised by this year? JinJin: Year end award ceremonies are an opportunity for us to a show a diverse performance on a stage that is so much bigger than our usual ones. We want to repay the huge amount of love we’ve received this year through a cool performance.

What kind of group do you want to be remembered as in the future by the public? JinJin: I hope their moods get lifted just by hearing the ASTRO name alone. If we were soda-like 'refreshing idols' in the summer then for this autumn, you’ll be able to meet an ASTRO that is of course refreshing but even sexy as well.

Translations by @99p​mh Take out with full credits

[kidzbopdeathmetal]

From May 1998

First of all, I will ask you of course about your last work, A Fallen Temple. It is considered as the No 1 Greek album and you have received lots of positive comments. Are you satisfied with the result? How are your fans reacting? -Yes, we are satisfied with the result of A Fallen Temple, the reaction of those who listen to our music was the expected, I believe.Of course, there were some reactions because of the vocals, but I believe that the majority of the fans who listen to our music had a positive correspondence. I wouldn’t like to refer now on how many copies it has sold, because it is still too early, it’s no more than two months, but we are really satisfied... 

In «Rockwave Festival» this summer u will play together with Judas Priest, Cradle of Filth and many others. How do you feel for participating in such a great event? -About Rockwave Festival, as you can understand, things are weird right now, we don’t know for sure if it finally takes place (note: It was finally cancelled because Judas Priest wouldn’t come. I won’t express my opinion now, as the zine is tryin to be at least modest). I believe I don’t have to say anything else, since it’s something it might not happen. In Rockwave Festival, if it finally takes place, you will play live for first time! You mustn’t have played live again before, am I right? What was the reason for which we haven’t seen Septic Flesh on the scene until now? -The reason for not playing live so many years, maybe was the coinsidences, as a result not to be able to. Namely, my brother, Chris, he is studying in England classical music, with a result as you can understand not to be able to play live and, also, Sotiris had joined the army, for a period and right now he’s getting done with it. So, we couldn’t play live. At the moment, we have a full line-up as we have Akis on the drums, from Horrified, a great band for me, who had offered a lot to the greek scene and right now they will sign probably with BLACK NOTUS and will release their new CD, in the new year that is coming... What would you think of the idea of releaseing a live album or some live songs in the future? Did you ever think of that, as you are about to start your «live acts» on the scene, very soon? -Well, about this idea, to make some live songs, we’ll see that in the future... If a good live happens with a good sound and, it also depends on how the company reacts... It’s not our jurisdiction. What’s the band’s religional philosophy, if there is any? And, if there is, where is it heading to? -Even though I believe that for this question, proper person is Sotiris, because he writes all the lyrics of the group. I am just trying to express his opinions and ideas through art. In general, the lyrics are esoteric, internal. They don’t belong to ANY religional organization, which doesn’t mean that we underestimate the religional dogmas. We believe in human understanding, we believe in knowledge, which is a very strong and powerful weapon. With knowledge, man can reach higher levels of conscience, he can as well develop the «dark» powers he has and, when I say dark, let’s not think of good and evil, because all these are relative, «dark», I mean, the non evident powers. That is, powers which are non evident to the wider mass, for some reason. At all events, our lyrics are esoteric. About A Fallen Temple now, if we sit and analyze it with the cover artwork as it is with the hieroglyphics, the egyptian and with the standing of the female body, we can get various opinions, which will need a lot of time... In your music, exists a mentioning to various mythological elements, such as, for example, the «Burning Phoenix» and other. Are you occupied with mythology, finding it maybe a way out to your lyrical concept? -Yes, another section from which we’re drawing up the content of our lyrics, are the various mythologies of ancient civilizations, mainly from the Egyptian one, the Sumerian and... the Babylonians in a few words, because we believe that in these civilizations exist the first marks of the primordial knowledge which still has some unexplained marks, to which no one can find a reasonable explanation. The good with mythology is that if you decode it correctly, you can get some results with which you are walking towards some steps which help you evolve. You released «The Eldest Cosmonaut» in 2 different editions. What was the purpose and the motive for this? -About Eldest Cosmonaut, it’s the song which was released in 2 different editions, because the atmosphere that it has, fits very much with clear vocals, that is, no distorted voice. With a result to do 2 different editions. A distorted one and one with no distortion. I must say that, there’s a 3rd edition too, which is for the video clip, which is expected to be released the most in two weeks (yes, he told that to me back in May ’98, it is now released!). Will your cooperation with Natalie continue in the future? -Our cooperation with Natali will continue in the future for sure, even though things right now are getting more complicated, with a result, the fact that we’ll have to get an allowment for her participation, but this doesn’t mean that it is something negative, because she is willing herself to continue with us. What are your relations with the label? Are they satisfying? -Our relation with the label is, let’s say, the typical relation which a band has with it’s label. It wavers in professional frames, as long as we both observe our obligations, we’re pleased enough as they are from us too. Are maybe some members of the band participating in some other projects too? -No, at the moment none of us competes in any projects, Sotiris was just helping Danse Macabre together with Magus Wampyr Daoloth, in the past. What is your opinion about the Greek metal scene? -I have only one thing to say, that right now, the greek scene has made it’s own character in Europe, I won’t say in the whole world because we know that there is no correspondence from all over the world, there are many good bands, I believe the only think that must change is the attitude of the bands, which they have to be -let’s say- closer to each other, because I believe that if we all unite and create a fist we can achieve many things, than burying each other etc. I will not separate any bands, so that I will not underestimate some others if I forget. 

What kind of bands do you admire and what kind of bands do you hate most in music? - Well, let’s say that the bands we admire, besides the death and black metal bands, we like gothic bands very much, from independent there are some good, we listen a lot to classical music, soundtracks, but these are not bands, we went into another level... Now, concerning the bands we hate most in music, ok... we hate skyladika the music that is «for the dance of the monkey», let’s say, techno etc., which concern only fun, that is, the only thing they do is satisfying your impulses and the instincts that you have deep inside yourself, and just to get rid of them... I don’t like them because they they ain’t anything worthy, they don’t have any message to give you, they don’t try to give you anything. Only thing they do is giving you a simple fun. Of course, this is a way, let’s say it’s a form of art. What pleases you mostly to listen to? - To tell the truth, right now, soundtracks and classical music... Personally, I listen to death metal let’s say, but the pure death metal, the old death metal. That is, Death, Morbid Angel, Deicide. About the new clusters, I wouldn’t say that I’m a fan of them... I would like you to express your opinion about some groups... Rotting Christ: -Worthy Ancient Rites: - Good band, they justify their presence deservingly because they’re also an old band, they’re playing for many years now. Dimmu Borgir: -Haven’t heard much stuff Jackal’s Truth: - Very good, from what I’ve heard so far, and as I said before, that’s very positive for the greek scene. Covenant: -REALLY GOOD! From the few black atmospheric bands I like, even though, we can lately see this turn of black metal to the atmospheric kind... Death: - No words needed, GODS! The best band for me... Deicide: -same... Gods... Necromantia: - I believe they are the only band in Europe that has the most personal character in black metal. If you listen to Necromantia it doesn’t remind you anything else. It doesn’t remind you any other band. And that’s positive for the greek scene, again. They’re worthy too, of course. Somewhere here, we end... If you want, add some words for the A.O.M. readers... -Thanx for the support and I hope we’ll meet each other soon in Crete with a live. Source

[rkirene]

                        「  愛をちょうだい  」` sept. eval.

                                            * dance only: 1:41 - 2:44 ;  » the look         

        on some level, it’s probably considered cheating. but, after a thorough, personal analysis of her dance skill ( conclusion: awful ) and a permanent image etched into her mind of the coach’s expression after seeing her “improvement” during bootcamp ( image: scowling, lots of scowling ) joohyun firmly believes there is no better alternative than this. if the judges wanted to see her ‘dancing’ then, by god, they were going to see her version of it.

         in retrospect, her idea could have been a lot worse. pole-dancing, for instance, or even a challenging solo number that had her writhing and rolling all over the floor in an attempt to be seen as sexy. however, it’s bad enough that the second concept -- being ‘sexy’ -- ends up being the primary intention when joohyun shows up in the evaluation room on practice day. she purposefully sports a black minidress to highlight her minimal curves and, more importantly, to serve as an overt distraction for this attempt at ‘dancing’ she would soon convey. just the idea of sinking this low for dramatic effect causes joohyun to scoff aloud in self-disgust. it also earns her a surprised look from the staff member to whom she passes a usb over with her chosen song. “sorry,” she mutters to him in a low tone. to the man’s credit, he doesn’t judge her action anymore beyond that; to his non-credit, his gaze is soon trailing over her figure with an obvious enough interest to make her skin crawl.

         let’s get this over with, please.

         “bae joohyun, you’re living dangerously!” comes a joking call from the direction of the judges’ table. the rapper resists the urge to toss up a middle finger in the dance coach’s direction as she nervously teeter-totters in her three-inch stacked high heels. several evaluations ago, minhee had done her best to teach joohyun the key to balance in these death-traps, and it’s thanks only to that girl’s patient training that joohyun could even stand upright now. once she reaches the marked part of the floor, joohyun levels a cool gaze at the coach who’d made her life hell the last few days. “I’m bae joohyun,” she introduces stiffly. “I’m going to dance to a section of 愛をちょうだい. please look over me well.”

         maintaining a good attitude for this performance doesn’t factor in even once in joohyun’s thoughts; she’s too far gone in her distaste to even pretend she’s enjoying this test for what it is. it’s all the trainee can do to keep her features schooled to an utter blankness once the music begins and she gets into starting position. on the heels of the singer’s lyric, “when you aren’t by my side my heart hurts,”  joohyun rests her arm over her head and rocks her hips from side to side to the rhythm of the beat. she doesn’t know enough japanese to even mouth along with the singer’s voice and perhaps this is for the best; when all her attention is concentrated on staying on her feet and matching the rhythm of the choreography, expecting anything more of bae joohyun inevitably leads to crushed hopes.

         a kick here, a sway there -- joohyun can’t help but wobble now and then unsteadily on these shoes. the key point of this choreography are the body-rolls anyway and so she focuses specifically on this move when it finally arrives in the song. It’s also the primary reason joohyun has chosen to wear this indecent dress in particular, as she knows her figure is well-emphasized in the moments she purposefully undulates her chest and waist in a graceful s-curve. she had her reasons for choosing this specific choreography for herself and it boiled down to this dance being all about the visual spectacle and nothing else. for most of its painful minute duration, joohyun could stand rooted in place and either move her hands in a sensual fashion or sway her hips in the appearance of tantalizing sexuality. there is no complicated jumping around or forcing herself into the ridiculous ‘popping’ and ‘locking’ positions the other dance trainees often crowed on about -- this simple style was the extent of all joohyun could handle all by herself with so little time to practice.

         even then, she hates it. joohyun hates the lascivious gazes she imagines trailing over her thighs and hips if she were to ever dance like this in public for others to see. she hates the short clothing that clings to her body now and the accompanying expectation that, as a female, her sexuality would be coldly used for the purpose of luring in even more (male) fans. what did talent matter when joohyun possessed a slim, feminine figure to draw in a male’s eyes to her? she despised the thought, abhorred the reality--

         even if there was nothing she could do about it.

         the music doesn’t end soon enough, in her opinion, but, when it does, joohyun relaxes her body enough to sink into the polite bow that’s expected from her. then, she leaves. without a single look back, the trainee stalks out of the small evaluation room and pauses only once she’s outside of the door to mercilessly tug at the straps of her heels. joohyun rips the shoes off of her feet and grips them tightly as she storms off, barefoot, to get far, far away from this damned place. only then do the frustrated tears come.

[theotherboywhonevergrewup]

MY TOP 10 SONGS OF 2018

Disclaimer: These are certainly not the “best” in terms of musical quality, nor are they what I think are the “best.”  They’re not even my favorite songs of 2018.  They are simply the 10 songs I find to be most defined the year 2018 for me.

I think the first thing I should mention is that Rihanna had released absolutely zero songs this year.  She did not even feature on one, which is the first year that this has happened ever since she started her career.  This also means this is the very first time she has not made this list.  Hope to hear new music in 2019!  I would also like to give an honorable mention to “Lost in Japan” by Shawn Mendes which was on this list before I arranged it.

10. “Give Yourself a Try” by The 1975

And I was 25 and afraid to go outside A millennial that baby-boomers like Won't you give yourself a try?

I had the honor of seeing The 1975 live in 2017, and it was an incredible show.  The band’s lights perfectly matched the mood of each of the songs, taking the crowd through an emotional rollercoaster.  Most notably their hit “Somebody Else” took everyone to a different place.  Their 2018 release, A Brief Inquiry into Online Relationships, is another definitive 1975 album, with songs like “Be My Mistake,” “Sincerity is Scary,” “It’s Not Living (If It’s Not With You),” “Surrounded by Heads and Bodies,” “Mine,” and “I Couldn’t Be More In Love” being my favorites.  “Give Yourself a Try” gets the 10th place on this list because it was the most prominent single that made the biggest impact on me.  In true 1975 manner, it lyrically dives into a dark place with mentions of fear of growing old, STDs, suicide, depression, and drug addiction, but all oddly over Joy Division’s “Disorder” bright guitar riff and bouncy drums.  This song is the epitome of singer and writer Matt Healy’s open honesty about such subjects but in a positive way, moreso as advice given to their younger selves but more importantly their fans.  Ironically, I also struggled with anxiety and depression when I was 25, so this song speaks to me in that you’re never alone and you live and you learn.  He’s encouraging us to let go of all those fears and things that don’t matter and really give ourselves a try.

9. “Get It” by Busta Rhymes featuring Missy Elliott and Kelly Rowland

Every time we step up in the spot Homie, I'ma take yo shine from you Homie, you ain't got the slightest clue Diamonds'll shine with the brightest blue

I’m not the biggest Busta Rhymes fan, but he has been such a constant presence ever since I was little, so his songs have always gotten me hyped up.  Even moreso, Missy Elliott was always playing in the house when I was little.  “Get Ur Freak On” was one of the most memorable tracks of my childhood.  Last but certainly not least, Kelly Rowland is absolutely one of my favorite singers ever.  Her new single “Kelly” was her first main artist release in five years and it does not disappoint.  It’s such a banger, and I love how she continues to grow in her confidence.  Something about having all three of these people on one track really got me going.  It felt like bringing back my childhood but also felt so fresh.  Busta and Missy do not hold back, and their raps were a stark contrast to the ever-popular mumble rap of 2018.  Not saying that there’s anything wrong with mumble rap necessarily; it’s just not my cup of tea.  My only gripe with this song is I wish that Kelly was on it more than just the sample.  Even then, I can’t be that mad because it goes so hard!

8. “Love Lies” by Khalid and Normani

If you're down, don't hide it Feelin' me, you don't gotta deny it Baby you gon' make me overnight it Tell me, are you down?

Last year, Khalid’s “Location” made my 2017 list.  I had mentioned that none of his other tracks really stood out to me, but I was hopeful for his future releases.  Well, “Love Lies” certainly does not disappoint.  Again, the slower, bumping R&B beat really supported Khalid’s smooth, deeper vocals sliding on top.  I am a sucker for duets, and who better to add to this track than the smoothest Fifth Harmony member Normani.  While she vocally may be on the weaker end of her former group, her voice perfectly fits this type of song as it flows over the deeper sounds.  Normani just oozes sexiness too as she adds a little bit of flair to both the video and live performances of this song with some choreography.  She really made 2018 her own, and I look forward to her future releases as well!  The only thing that is holding this track back for me is that it is for a film, Love, Simon.  I’m always wary of made-for-film songs because I’m not sure how true the artists of the song are being to the piece itself or if has been molded to fit the film’s narrative or theme.

7. “All the Stars” by Kendrick Lamar and SZA

I hate people that feel entitled Look at me crazy 'cause I ain't invite you Oh, you important? You the moral to the story, you endorsing? ..., I don't even like you

I’ve been following SZA for a few years now, and I have to say that she is really making a name for herself and changing the R&B game.  Of all the megahits this year, this is easily my favorite.  It’s received one Oscar nomination and four Grammy nominations, and it deserves every ounce of the respect it’s been given.  The simple rocking beat serves as a metronome for some more complicated percussion as Kendrick expertly serves his flow, slowly introducing the synths and strings that allow SZA to take the song to an otherworldly place.  The music video is absolutely stunning too.  Like “Love Lies,” however, this song is held back for me in that it was also made for a film, Black Panther.  I am not saying either of these films are bad necessarily, in fact, they were both fun movies.  I’m just saying I wonder where these artists could have taken these songs if they were completely untied from any other projects.

6. “We Don’t Care” by Sigala featuring The Vamps

Try to keep my composure Would be easy if I was sober But you keep getting closer And I'm feeling alright

Another artist that was on my top 2017 songs, The Vamps had several bops this year, including singles “Too Good to Be True,” “Hair Too Long,” and “Just My Type” and non-singles “What Your Father Says” and “Cheap Wine.”  I had the opportunity to not only see these guys perform live but also finally meet them!  They were the nicest dudes, and it was definitely a highlight of the year.  My favorite 2018 release by them though was their feature on Sigala’s “We Don’t Care.”  Even though it’s not their track, it harkens back to many Vamps songs just about having a good time, and that stress-free nature is why I love them.  Sigala certainly knew how to make the best of this collaboration, and I feel like I’ll be dancing to this for years to come.

5. “Tempo” by EXO

I can’t believe 기다렸던 이런 느낌 (oh) 나만 듣고 싶은 그녀는 나의 멜로디

For reasons I will explain later in this post (see entry #3), I have officially fallen in love with K-pop, and in my search to find more K-pop artists to love, I have oddly landed back to one that I saw live a few years ago, EXO.  In 2015 or 2016, my friend Brit became “ill” to K-pop fever and fell in love with EXO.  As someone who claims to love all genres (with a few exceptions), she asked me to go with her to their concert in 2016.  I did not hesitate at the opportunity, and while I saw that they were truly talented, something held me back from loving them at the time.  While I had never really been a K-pop fan in the past, I was aware of what they could deliver.  When it came to boybands in particular, I was aware of Big Bang, Super Junior, and SHINee and how different their songs were from American and European music beyond the language they are sung or rapped in.  However, I found EXO’s repertoire to be quite lackluster at the time.  This was before the release of Ex’Act, so their biggest hits at the time were “Growl,” “Overdose,” “Call Me Baby,” and “Love Me Right.”  With the exception of “Overdose,” these songs as well as a lot of their other songs sounded too familiar.  They were safe R&B vibes, and as someone who grew up with R&B, these songs did not stand out to me.  “Overdose” was somewhat of a highlight, but it was still just a bit lacking to me.  My favorite song of theirs at the time became “Wolf” (and Brit aptly made fun of me for it lol).  Sure, “Wolf” gets made fun of because it’s kind of a mess of a song, but that’s why I love it.  It’s so out there and experimental.  It was EXO trying to find their voice.  It wasn’t safe; every aspect of it goes hard (maybe too hard).  The icing on the cake that “Overdose” was missing?  Chen!  Let me quickly explain my love for Chen.  This man (who I’m exactly only 10 days older than!) has the voice of an angel.  Even back then when I went to their concert and couldn’t remember any of their names for the life of me, I remember telling Brit, “The one with the cheekbones has the best voice!”  And while “best” is debatable with Baekhyun and D.O. in the group (and even compared to other vocal powerhouses like Super Junior-K.R.Y., and y’all, don’t you dare sleep on Suho), Chen still stands out to me because his vocal quality is 100% the kind of voice that I wish I had.  He has this vibrant, clear tenor timbre to his voice that I find so pleasing.  Chen is apparently the least favorite EXO member for whatever reason (maybe he’s the ugliest? idk, I’m not a girl/don’t like men), and some people say his voice is less emotional than the others.  I disagree, as I think the lightness in his voice just puts the emotion in a different place where people aren’t used to hearing it.  Regardless, since “Overdose” was made when they had the EXO-K and EXO-M split before, it largely lacked Chen vocals, and he goes hard in “Wolf.”  All this to say, when I revisited EXO’s discography this year, it was chock-full of hit after hit that finally filled that sweet-tooth K-pop craving.  They were no longer standard R&B hits.  They were each creative directions, starting with “Monster” which built off of many of the same vibes as “Wolf” and “Overdose” but with more expertise and a healthy dose of Chen (“Don’t be afraid / Love is the way / Shawty I got it / You can call me monster” what an english-god! lol), to “Ko Ko Bop” which is a reggae fusion smash (if you know that I love Rihanna, then you gotta know that I love me some reggae fusion and who knew that it would fuse so well with K-pop), to the infectiously fun and upbeat “Power” that they performed at the Olymics closing ceremony.

Now let me finally get to why I am obsessed with “Tempo.”  Chen opens the song with “I can’t believe” and then silence.  I am a Chen fan, so you know I’m already hooked.  Then the synths come back in and there are some a capella elements.  Baekhyun dares to sing over Chen (just kidding, he sounds good too obviously).  Once Chen is done singing, the drums come in leading into the chorus, with the bed squeak which is a R&B/hip hop sample staple.  To be clear, I never wanted EXO to leave their R&B roots; I just wanted that and more from them, and this song is it.  After the second verse, instead of going back to the chorus, they hit this alternate “slowed down” version of the chorus which again hits different R&B vibes, and this beautiful piano brings us to the a capella portion and oh my.  Then Chen’s scream signals the piano, drums, synth, squeaky bed, and everything to go into the last chorus.  And let’s not forget his Michael Jackson-esque ad-lib.  The line distribution was mostly fair too.  I mean, obviously I’m biased, but Sehun got a whole rap section.  If anyone, Xiumin and D.O. (and Sehun) probably could have used more lines somehow.  Lay was even in the Chinese version (though I’m not sure how many songs he was gone for?)  But honestly, zero complaints here.  GET IT GUYS.

4. “Remind Me to Forget” by Kygo featuring Miguel

I need you to let go I got these mementos And I'll be alright

Shortly after my breakup this year, I still had tickets to see Miguel and no one to go with.  So I asked my ex if she still wanted to go, and she did.  He performed all my favorite songs by him, including “Adorn,” “Sure Thing,” and “Pineapple Skies.”  It was kind of an ethereal experience in a way.  A huge amount of his repertoire is baby-making music, and boy did that make a mood that night.  I’m not sure if she realized it, but Miguel was actually what I put on during our second date (I also just remembered that his song was on when we had our first kiss during our first date).  But this song (which he did not perform but played afterwards as everyone was leaving the venue) is lyrically actually so significant to that relationship.  Kygo’s echoey instrumentals was a match made in heaven for Miguel’s soaring vocals, and while the song doesn’t exactly convey pain, it beautifully encapsulates letting go of a relationship.  I still like my ex as a friend, but from experience we know that’s all it should be.

3. “Ddu-Du Ddu-Du” by BLACKPINK

두 번 생각해 흔한 남들처럼 착한 척은 못 하니까 착각하지 마 쉽게 웃어주는 건 날 위한 거야

All right, here’s how I became ill with K-pop fever.  As I’ve mentioned in entry #5, I try to be a lover of all genres of music.  I’m not perfect; I have a few dislikes: parodies (because I want the originals to stand out), covers and remixes (for the same reason), anything I find lyrically too heavy or too opposed to my values, and anything that includes too much screaming.  When it comes to falling in love with a genre, I’ve noticed I have a trend: I fall in love with a girl.  Sometimes it’s an actual girl that I meet, but most of the time it’s one of the singers.  R&B, hip hop, and pop is what I naturally grew up with, but Paramore got me into rock, Kelly Rowland’s collaboration with David Guetta got me into EDM, Whitney Houston got me into 80′s music, Carrie Underwood got me into country, etc.  As I’ve also mentioned, K-pop has been on my radar for several years now.  I’ve never been opposed to it (with one-ish exception, which I will get to), but I’ve just never fallen in love with it myself.  My first real exposure was about 10 years ago from my friend Kalvin.  I specifically remember hearing Girls’ Generation/SNSD’s “Gee” non-stop, and I couldn’t blame him.  It was catchy!  At the time, though I honestly was having trouble loving my identity as an Asian.  My younger self wanted to be white or black or latino.  Why?  Because if you looked at America’s standard of who was famous and attractive, there were barely any Asians, and the Asians who were there were women (Lucy Liu).  Anyways, Kalvin and a few other friends such as my prom date Esther introduced me to a few more K-pop artists over the years: Super Junior, Kara, Big Bang (and G-Dragon and Taeyang’s solo music), T-ara, 2NE1, and f(x).  I liked them, but again, I never fell in love with them.  Then, Psy’s “Gangnam Style” came into the picture.  I hated it so much because I knew this song would be many people’s first impressions of K-pop.  Psy’s talent aside, it was a song and video that was intended to be funny, almost like a parody.  This perpetuated the Western thought of Asian men being only smart and funny, not sexy.  Years later, BTS came into the picture.  While I didn’t fall in love with them either, I supported them because they are a K-pop artist that America is actually taking seriously.  Around the time I heard about BTS was also the time I first heard about BLACKPINK.  When it comes to pop music, the girls I like the most are in my opinion not too girly (i.e. SNSD) but also not too unconventional (i.e. 2NE1).  I think Rihanna is a good example of that balance.  She’ll sometimes wear all pink and sometimes go with a completely baggy hip hop vibe, but most of the time she stays somewhere in between.  When I heard “Boombayah” a few years ago, this song was so close to being my K-pop drug, but the “oppa!” and the chanting at the end of the song killed it for me.  Stars did not align back then.

This year, as I continued to grow up, I learned to love my Asian identity more than ever.  2017 was a hear of depression and anxiety and just overall hating myself, so I made a conscious decision to love myself more in all ways.  It just so happened that 2018 was the year of films like Crazy Rich Asians and To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before.  The former took a man who I find to be an average or slightly above average looking man (like the Ryan Seacrest of Asia) Henry Golding and made him into a superstar.  He even got to star alongside one of my favorites Blake Lively in A Simple Favor as her husband.  This amongst other things did wonders for me in viewing myself and Asians as attractive and equally viable partners.  To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before did something else for me.  With that movie, I realized I wanted more young Asian celebrities to fill this void of “there are no sexy Asians” because if I have a child, that child will undoubtedly be at least half Asian.  I want that child to grow up to be confident in who they are and find themselves to be absolutely beautiful or handsome.  All this to say, yes, I finally started seeing Asian girls as sexy.  Then, “Ddu-Du Ddu-Du” dropped and my life was changed lol.  Here were four sexy women (Jisoo is my bias!!) singing and rapping a song that was perfectly in between girly and unconventional.  It wasn’t the usual bubblegum pop girly K-pop, and I loved it.  After listening to it two billion times, I needed something similar, so I went back to “Boombayah.”  I found “Whistle” and then the gateways flooded.  I now listen to pretty much every K-pop artist I previously listed and more.  I am so proud of these girls charting higher on the Hot 100 than any other K-pop artist other than BTS and Psy.  I sincerely hope either BLACKPINK or BTS (or anyone really) beat Psy’s record (thank God for Maroon 5 for preventing Psy to ever hitting #1).  Here’s to hopefully a full BLACKPINK album next year and more Asian sexiness!

2. “Dangerous Night” by Thirty Seconds to Mars

I, I am a man on fire You, a violent desire

From the get-go, you can tell that this is not your ordinary Thirty Seconds to Mars track, and that’s because Zedd’s producer mark on it is undeniable.  I absolutely love the America album, especially “Rescue Me,” “Great Wide Open,” “Hail to the Victor,” and “Live Like a Dream.”  However, Zedd’s spin with “Dangerous Night” makes it hopelessly catchy.  It takes the recklessness of entry #6 and combines it with the tumultuous relationship of entry #4.  Above all, I had the opportunity to see Thirty Seconds to Mars live and to meet them in person.  What a wild night!  It was one of the best experiences of 2018.  The Leto brothers are so kind and rocked the night away.  They fought with security a couple times to let fans do what they wanted (in still a safe way).  And the absolute best part was that they invited a random select few in the crowd to go up... including me!  It was insane being on stage with my favorite band singing one of my favorite songs “Closer to the Edge” in front of thousands of people.  INSANE!  Truly a night I will never forget.

1. “Never Be the Same” by Camila Cabello

And I could try to run, but it would be useless You're to blame Just one hit of you, I knew I'll never be the same

Someone who is just looking at this list and my list from last year (where Camila also made #1) might think I’m obsessed with her haha.  I swear I’m not.  Rihanna will always be my true number one.  I honestly don’t even like that many more Camila songs than this and “I Have Questions” (last year’s number one).   I mean, I like her songs, but those two are the stand outs for me.  Anyways, Camila’s unique voice and creative runs take the cake here on this track over the equally addictive synths and drum beats.  Lyrically, the song is about being forever changed by a relationship that she doesn’t outright say is bad but heavily hints at it with the imagery she uses.  It’s kind of a love song but has the feeling of a breakup or near breakup song.  After my first date with my ex, we sat in my car for a long time just listening to the radio and while there were several cute moments like singing Ed Sheeran and Beyoncé’s “Perfect” together, one thing I remember is staring into her eyes while this song was playing.  Throughout our relationship, it became apparent that we were bad for each other in a way.  And in many ways, I will never be the same.  I don’t regret it.  I’ve learned so many things.  But yeah, even though this is not my favorite song of 2018, it is definitely the most 2018 song to describe my year.

[berrypepper86]

mad about the boy

“This is where it all begins. Everything starts here, today.” - One Day by David Nicholls

This.

So much.

And so my quest to discover how, when and why I came to fall for this guy continues through this blogging malarky. Third post in and I feel like I need to lay down some facts as of right now.

No, we are not together.

Yes, there’s something there. I’m just not sure exactly what that something is - and I don’t think he’s sure either.

So I guess I need to set out the background to all of this - which I feel I should refer to as the cluster-fuck of my mind. 

We met in 2010 at work at a different store to the one I’m currently working at. We bonded over the same love of comedy, TV shows, films… not closely but enough to appreciate our shared sense of humour. After eighteen months I moved on from that store - worked temporarily in another before moving permanently to the store I’m still at eight years later. 

He completed his own management training and got his first appointed post at the same store - reunited, humour same as ever and with it he and I and a small selection of fellow managers became friends. Nights outs became a thing… along with it a secret Messenger group for us all to roast one another and let out our frustrations in a non-values led way. 

Looking back over those times, I was definitely always mad about him. I know every time he was even mentioned I’d get a big smile on my face and even when he’d do the smallest thing - like sit opposite me in the weekly manager meeting and just do that cheeky wink - I’d do the stupidest girly giggle. And I’m not even girly. 

I’ve always been what they called a tomboy for most of my childhood - preferring to live in jeans, baggy jumpers and converses. Sometimes I look back and wish I’d taken more notice of how to properly do your hair so it looks at least semi-presentable - a couple of months ago my hairdresser had cut my fringe a little too short and I went round thinking I resembled Lloyd Christmas from Dumb and Dumber for the best part of four weeks. I also wish I’d taken on more than just the basics of doing your make-up. I’ve only recently discovered the benefits of using highlighter but I’m still not sure I’m even doing that correctly. I’ve always felt comfortable being “one of the guys” but sometimes, even now when I’m asking my girl friends to help me curl my hair, I wish I did have more fashion and beauty skills so I’d feel more confident standing in front of a guy I’m crazy about.

I suppose on a plus side, he’s always known that that is what I’m like. That he’s seen me in my scruffs with my hair looking a bit like Edward Scissorhands and my make-up looking like shit. He’s seen me when I’ve had a complete irrational tantrum and he’s seen me in numerous mardy moods knowing full well that it was the wrong time of the month for me. He’s laughed at me throughout and beared the brunt of my fist as I slammed into his shoulder in response to his teasing. 

He’s seen me drunk on numerous occasions - bad singing and bad dancing, falling over and coming out with ridiculous comments that I’m embarrassed to even type. While everyone else was dressed up to the nines and I felt a little uncomfortable in my own attire knowing I didn’t look half as good as they did, I covered it up with humour.

A little bit of dancing from The Inbetweeners when THE song came on in the club, a bit of vintage disco moves and unsuccessful attempts at the Moonwalk - he was always right there beside me doing the same thing. I’d be pestering him to do The Worm - he’d get a flash of embarrassment but then laugh and say he wouldn’t do it… He did it at one work’s Christmas party though. He was walking ahead of me and suddenly just dropped down to the floor and started doing it to the delight of everyone around us. I remember screaming in shock thinking at first that he had fallen forward and was about to faceplant the floor but that scream soon turned to a cry of joy when I realised what he was actually doing. 

Sometimes, and it was a rarity, he’d break out in the first part of David Brent’s infamous dance from The Office. When I think back to how I must have looked when I joined in, I cringe with embarrassment. 

I mean, you don’t see those types of things in rom-coms do you? Girl meets Boy and they’re destined to get together by the end of the film but she doesn’t do stupid shit like that in front of him like it was perfectly normal. I always thought I was single and couldn’t find the right guy because I didn’t always behave like someone who was looking for The One - that I was too much of a tomboy for any guy to see me as anything more than a friend.

And for a while I actually felt okay with that. I have my own house with a mortgage and my own car; I live on my own on my own two feet with supportive parents not too far away. I don’t actually need a guy to live my life when I’ve been doing that already for so long. 

Now I’m thinking about him and I’m thinking “oh my god! He saw me do this and he saw me do that! Oh god and then there was that time I was a complete moron and he knows about this…!” He knows about various embarrassing things that happened to me over the years that not many people actually knew. But then the other part of me reassures that he knows me as I am… not making out I’m someone I’m not or putting on a front. 

And over the years when we went out and we had a few drinks, he’d come up every so often and whisper things to me. He’d come up behind me and squeeze my waist - would whisper that he wanted me along with various other things and I would just give him a look as he bounced away before I could respond.

My thought process was that he was just a happy drunk - that alcohol made him say things he didn’t mean and why on earth would he mean them when he had a gorgeous girlfriend at home? I still think, even with the new knowledge that he always meant it, that he would never have been unfaithful. That if it came down to it and I reciprocated he wouldn’t have one through with it. 

I never told anyone over the years that he’d do that when we went out. And we never talked about it. He never made me feel uncomfortable or violated in any way when he did do that - I’d just brush him off with a laugh and a “yeah, okay, whatever!” because it was laughable to me that he would actually mean what he was saying.

Now he tells me that he always meant everything he said over the last ten years; just shouldn’t have said them at the time because he was married/in a relationship and drink makes him say things he shouldn’t. And now he’s not married, he can say them.

But the thing is, all this isn’t simple. 

He’s getting divorced, so yes he is now single and he can admit these things to me without any consequence. The problem is where he’s at in his life - mentally as well as everything that’s going on around him.

Last summer, he changed his Facebook status to single. And when initially asked by everyone, he told us it was all amicable and I didn’t believe him.

He’s always been a closed book - never one to talk about his feelings or open up about his problems. He might let one or two things out to you if he trusts you but other than that he is completely guarded and uses humour as his defence. 

Turns out that his wife had been having an affair… and apparently this wasn’t the first time. Not having a conventional upbringing, he’s now found himself alone in the world with no family around him. He hasn’t worked at the store where I and his friends continue to work for just over two years - he completed his senior management training and was moved to his own store forty miles away from where we are. 

So although since he’s been gone we’ve had occasional night outs where we meet up, they’ve been very far and few inbetween. And so our concerns as his friends are that he doesn’t open up and he’s nowhere near for us to keep a constant look out for him. 

A few people have been constantly messaging asking how he is - they sit and they talk about it on dinner breaks; how they always knew she was a wrong’un, they always hated her and never thought he was right for her. They stalk her social media and they found the guy she was sleeping with; who she’s now in a relationship with and they bitch about her and then they moan that they message him and he doesn’t always respond to them.

I don’t join in on these conversations. They never feel right. 

I haven’t told them that we have been talking regularly since just before christmas; that our conversations have gone further than that of two people in a friendship. I haven’t told them that actually I don’t ask how he is all the time and I don’t enquire about anything to do with her or the divorce unless he tells me anything himself because I know that continually pestering him about things he doesn’t want to talk about will close him off more. 

The prediciment I’ve found myself in - this cluster-fuck - is that I’ve fallen for a guy in a way I’ve never felt for anyone in worst possible time frame. That I know isn’t emotionally ready for a relationship; whose trust issues are at an all time low and what he must be feeling right now I can’t even begin to imagine. 

I feel selfish for feeling like this. I know that I’m supposed to be patient - that his head isn’t in the right place. I know that life is going to throw a lot of ups and downs at him and that me asking “what actually are we right now?” could just close him off from me completely. That thought scares me… especially as he has been barely communicating with so many other people recently. 

This is why I need an outlet. This is my way of getting everything out so I don’t drive myself insane. 

Because I don’t know the ending of this story yet. And I want to be a supportive friend without adding any more complications to his life. Trust me to realise that I’ve been crazy about him for all these years during one hell of a complicated situation. 

The title of this blog comes from a song lyric from Ed Sheeran’s ‘Dive’

Trust Ed to hit the nail on the head in the form of a beautiful song.