#the self harming intentions came back because I lost my only form of control over my autonomy. I feel like there’s no other way for people

[delicateimage]

Hey girlies update time… I’ve been sent to a clinic for my weight and it’s been really stressful and my life is kinda falling apart lol there’s defiantly good aspects to it but ughhh I’m like :( bc my diets had to change so much and I feel so unproductive now and I’m really scared about gaining weight but they’d said I’d like die or whatever if I didn’t which um. I genuinely feel so disgusting heavy and sick and disgusting and DISGUSTIGN eww and my disordered eating brain is coming back in full force after silently controlling me for like nearly years at this point and it’s all so much. the hardest thing about this is that I don’t want to gain weight at all and particularly I don’t really even care to live anymore. I’m scared everyday I’ll fall deeper and deeper back into disordered eating I’ll get lonelier and lonelier I’ll get fatter and fatter I’ll lose everything I’ve ever built for myself… ugh this is a mess but ong.

[ontheoddoccasioniwritestuff]

A Little Indulgence (Spencer Reid x Reader Smut)

Summary: After returning home, Y/N discovers that Spencer has brought back something from prison.

AN: This was part of the smut fic swap in @imagining-in-the-margins's server! I wrote for the gorgeous pal that is @cardigayn <3 love you <3 Reader is AFAB and uses they/them pronouns!

For my SFW fic entry for the swap, check out Valentines Day For Nerds!

Word count: 3.4k words

Content warnings: Knife kink, thigh riding, daddy kink, mild choking, spanking, biting, smangst

Your name: submit What is this?

The sudsy water masked the cutlery from sight, so Y/N’s hands were only submerged for a split second before they retracted with a gasp as sharp as the blade that cut them.

Spencer had acted fast; he found the first aid kit, deftly picking out the bandages in preparation for determining the right size. It had been his fault really. He was the one constantly sharpening the blades. He was never really satisfied with them, even when they could slice an onion without causing tears or rip through a cut of meat like it was wet paper.

The setting sun fanned over the room as Spencer’s nimble fingers wrapped cotton gauze around Y/N’s hand. They checked the pressure on the cut was tight enough. But they were moving on muscle memory alone. His mind had strayed to Y/N reaching carefully into the sink with their intact hand and retrieving the offender from it. Bubbles dripped off the edge, teasing him with its enticing appearance.

The second Y/N was deemed “fine”, Spencer left them alone. He ran for the bathroom and slammed the door. With the lock turned in, he stripped off his stifling clothes until he was free of his tie, his jacket, his shirt. Cold water splashed onto his cheeks didn’t calm him. The mirror fogged up beneath his nose with his deep breaths, in, out, in, out, his forehead against his reflection’s. His eyes were dilated, as he flexed his fingers over the crotch in his pants. A sigh from deep in his chest relieved itself. Things really had changed since Scratch.

He left the tap on to disguise any cry that might wriggle free from him. In all honesty, Spencer half wanted to weep that he was thinking of such things while his partner had injured themselves. He should be helping them, maybe leaving a quick peck on the bandage because Y/N once told him that a kiss on a cut defied science and made everything better.

His mind cast itself towards self-destruction and a horrendous link between himself and a young man he once knew. Nathan Harris, trapped in his mind, so aware that what he was feeling and thinking was morally wrong, but the poor kid still felt it and he nearly succumbed to it.

Spencer wanted to know if he was still institutionalised. Perhaps if he was more like Gideon, Spencer would have kept track of the victims their cases had come across.

Gideon.

Victims.

He wasn’t a victim. He refused. It was just a small cut from a kitchen knife. It wasn’t as if he was harming anyone. Yet.

He wasn’t Gideon. He wasn’t going to run away with just a note in his absence.

“Spencer?”

Three raps at the door, Spencer heard from Y/N on the other side. He forced one more slow breath out before he unlocked the bathroom door and ripped it open.

“Are you ok?” Y/N’s gaze dropped to his pants then back to his eyes – just for a second but Spencer noticed.

His voice was low as he replied, “I’m alright.”

As if in slow motion, his hand reached out for theirs. They noticed but did not make a comment at his speed. They let him take it, and his thumb grazed over the plaster that covered their injury.

“Are you?” He asked just as quietly.

Y/N looked down again, saw the strain in his trousers. Spencer watched them with cautious arousal as they connected the dots at lightning speed.

“I’m alright,” They said, their voice surprisingly steady as they strained to keep looking at his eyes, “Is there anything I can do to help you?”

They were so genuine. They wanted the best for him. They would do anything for him.

“Maybe not help.”

Confusion crinkled their brow, “What then?”

He should stop here. He should keep what his limits were here a mystery. He shouldn’t.

“Indulge me.”

And he pressed his thumb hard on the cut.

From Y/N, Spencer drew an inhale that was sharper than the knife that cut them. It fuelled his intentions, his other hand brushing their hair over their shoulder before it settled on their throat. It stroked gently, not forceful – for now.

Their body instinctively moved closer, barely an inch but it was enough to tell Spencer two things. One: Y/N was willing to let this play out. Two: their right arm was too far behind their back to be considered comfortable.

“What’s that you’ve got there?” Spencer kept watch of them as his hand slid along their arm, across their trembling skin until he found their fist holding the accused knife. His entire body slumped with a sigh against them. Carefully, he coaxed them to ease the grip and took the handle into his own power. He saw their throat wobble as they swallowed.

“You ought to be more careful with these.” Spencer held the blade up in the space between them, his reflection more assured now. Y/N was staring at it too, so lost in its splendour that their chest jumped in surprise when Spencer released their throat to fist at their flimsy shirt and pull them closer.

“You’re not particularly attached to this one, are you? Use your words.” He reminded them when they shook their head.

“No,” Y/N whispered and their stomach sucked in as Spencer pierced the shirt with the tip of the blade.

Their bottom lip shook and Spencer restrained his urge to bite it as he said, “You know I wouldn’t hurt you.”

“I do.” The knife began gliding up the shirt as though it were warm butter.

Spencer continued, “You know, unless I wanted to. Unless you wanted me to.”

Y/N nodded, barely though, “I do know.”

“Because you wouldn’t have brought me this if you didn’t know that. But you do. You know just what I need.”

The blade caught at the end of the shirt, stuck for just a second before it flicked up and broke the final links of fabric. The tip of the knife caught on Y/N’s chin and stayed there to sting it. They were shaking. One more shiver out of place and the skin would break but there was no tension in their shoulders or panicked panting. They were as collected as they could be with all their attention on the blade.

“You can’t take your eyes of it either,” Spencer sighed. He was almost jealous of it, but something about this knife was truly captivating. Right now, he was feeling like he was holding it for the first time again – because Y/N was feeling its effects for the first time.

His breath was agitated as he whispered to them, “Tell me you want this too. Please.”

“Daddy,” and Spencer felt his stomach twist with absolute joy as Y/N spoke, “I want this.”

His fist released them, and he watched the confusion cross their face. It was soon replaced with bashfulness as he shamelessly looked at their chest, drinking in how it was framed in the tatters of their shirt. A minor inner conflict ensued as he forced himself to take his time moving from the en suite to the bed, sitting up against the headboard. Once comfortable, the knife lolled in a controlled bounce between his fingers.

“Take that off. Come here.”

After a moment’s processing, Y/N quickly shed the shirt and took the initiative to remove the rest of their clothes. But not their underwear, they knew Spencer liked to be the one to take those off. They knelt over his lap, awaiting his next instruction. One that Spencer was all too happy to give.

“Get off on my thigh.”

Y/N took matters into their own hands when it came to wriggling off Spencer’s trousers and underwear, not even bothering to take them completely off before they straddled his thigh and began grinding against his bare skin. His cock rested against his belly, twitching at the occasional brushing up against the enthusiastic Y/N and leaking eagerly. As his own form of torture, Spencer refused to touch it or ask Y/N to do so. All he could touch was Y/Nand the knife’s handle. He pulled them closer with a hand on their hip. It guided them in their motions once they noticed the knife was at their throat, and their head leant back as they moaned, exposing more for Spencer to target.

Control after such chaos, it was just what he needed. As he dropped his head into Y/N’s chest and kissed the swell of their soft breasts, he lowered the knife. He controlled the danger Y/N was in, and they let him control it. They trusted him, even if he didn’t completely trust himself.

“Spencer? Daddy?”

Y/N touched their nose to Spencer’s, seeking out the answer to why his grip had slacked. He also noted that Y/N had stopped grinding onto his thigh.

Spencer gave into temptation and he bit down on that delicious bottom lip of theirs. It was sweeter than anything he’d ever tasted with the moan from their throat as a garnish. The knife rested at the slope of their neck.

He released their lip to murmured against it, “I could fuck you with the handle.”

Their nose bumping against his as they shook their head, Y/N whined, “No.”

“No?” Eyebrows raised at the audacity they had, to use him then deny his words.

But then Y/N opened their eyes, pleading with them as they said, “Next time.”

They were touching his hand now, the same spot where they had cut themselves and their bandage pressed into each other with their fingers linked.

“I want your cock in me now, and I want you to hold the knife against me. Please, Daddy.”

All sense of Spencer’s gorgeous hazel eyes was lost as two rings around his pupils. His jaw went slack as he processed their request, his laboured breath falling from his lips. Finally, he took in a deep breath, straightening up his back and resuming his role as the Dominant again.

“You’re getting really greedy, baby. You should watch your mouth.”

Y/N continued to plead with their puppy dog eyes, leaning close to him. Their bodies were pressed as close as they could be. Spencer’s trousers were still frustratingly in the way so he kicked them off.

Luckily for Y/N, Spencer was greedy too. The promise of “next time” is what let them off their backtalk this time.

He quickly unhooked Y/N’s bra, letting them be the impatient one to throw it aside. His sitting position adjusted itself against the headboard before he allowed them to sit in his lap again. Once comfortable, he dotted their chest with purple, the knife keeping their back arched into him.

Their panties were grazed by the knife before they were merely pushed aside and Spencer stroked through their lips with a tactile fingertip, sharing a groan from how wet they were. He could never tire of that, or of Y/N sinking down on him, how warm and welcoming they were, how they clung to him like a limpet.

Y/N began to move. Every motion was more longing and enrapturing than the last, Spencer finding it hard to keep up and hold back. His free hand continued rubbing on their thigh, spanking their skin and counting each one until the spot beneath his palm was red. Every time, Y/N gasped and jumped, the blade pressing harder into them.

“Touch yourself,” Spencer rasped against their skin. He leant back to make way for their clumsy fingers, rubbing at themselves covetously.

“Please, Daddy.” Y/N cut themselves off and their cheek found the flat side of the blade to press itself against, now warm from their flushed contact, “Can I cum please?”

“Yes, you can, cum for me.”

The need to meet them in completion overpowered him and Spencer abandoned the knife to grab them with both hands, fucking into them harder as they cried out for him. Their nails dragged across his shoulders and he welcomed the pain from each fingertip. It only spurred him to move faster.

“I’m gonna fill you up.”

Y/N nodded eagerly, their stamina waning before picking back up at the notion, meant in no time at all he was keeping his word. They beautifully reached their orgasm with Spencer’s fingers tight around their throat once more, bringing on his own orgasm soon after with their snug cunt milking his cock for all it was worth.

Using his grip on their neck, Spencer pulled Y/N down against his lips and slurred into their mouth, “Thank you.”

Then he lifted his hips up, enjoying the pleasure flaring up as he did so. His shuffling down the bed was lacklustre but it worked enough for when he fell onto his back. Bringing Y/N with him, he could feel his cock slide out of them and something warm and wet dribble onto the top of his leg. If only he had the energy to plug it back in there, push it back with his tongue. All he could do now was lift himself up a little, reach over Y/N and pull their underwear back into place. As Y/N said earlier, “next time”.

“Thank you.” Spencer brushed Y/N’s hair off their back, letting it tangle with his. “Thank you. You’re so good to me.”

“And so are you… D’you need anything?”

“I’m good, you?”

“Me too.”

As his arms spread out on the bed, Spencer’s right elbow found the knife again. Too late, it was sliding off the edge, a muted clatter against the carpet reaching their ears just moments later. A few seconds later, Y/N lifted off him, their sweaty skin clinging to each other as if to plead for them to stay, but it was Spencer who let out the noise of complaint this time. Y/N was quick though. They simply moved the knife into the bedside drawer and closed it before landing beside Spencer, wriggling to get that proximity once again.

Spencer found himself kissing the palm that cradled his face, breathing it in, plaster and skin and all. Soon he was curling into them, his face hidden in their neck as he wrapped his body around them. There were a few more grunts as sporadic pangs of pleasure rippled through them both, until they finally settled still. Y/N combed their fingers through Spencer’s thick hair, tugging just how he liked it.

He didn’t know really how to describe it. He just felt warm.

“Spencer?” Y/N’s voice was a little above a whisper, a crack chipping the last syllable.

“Yeah?”

“Would you…” They tilted their chin up to the ceiling. Spencer didn’t push; he gave them time, just as they had done, to answer.

“Would you let me shave you one day, please? With the straight razor?”

Spencer’s smile grew back on his face, “Of course.”

“And would you use the knife handle on me next time please?”

“Why were you more nervous about asking to shave me?” Spencer kissed where a faint ring of teeth marks met their neck, feeling it rumble with their giggling.

“I don’t know!” They covered their eyes with their hand.

To encourage them to come back out of their little shame cave, Spencer kissed where his lips fell and nodded, “Yes, next time, I’ll use the handle, Y/N.”

“We’ll have to make sure you don’t cut yourself.”

They cared for his wellbeing. He should too.

For now, at least, things weren’t so bad. Clarity from his orgasm told him that the guilt would set in by tomorrow. But he’d address it then and let the final dregs of their indulgence rock him to sleep.

  ---> ---> ---> ---> --->

 BONUS

Tonight was a transaction. Spencer was midway through his side of the bargain – keeping Y/N comfortable. They didn’t seem to mind the granite of the countertop pressing into their back as Spencer ate them out with gusto, his knees protected by a pillow against the tiled kitchen floor. His hair was tugged at the roots. Sometimes he felt Y/N’s heel tap against his back as they balanced on one foot to use the other to bring him closer. It was largely ineffective, but it pleased him that they weren’t completely in control of their needy actions.

His lips parted from theirs, and they whined at the cool gentle air he blew against them. They both knew that Y/N knew they weren’t allowed to cum without permission. They both knew that this wasn’t the end. But only Spencer knew where this was going next.

Leaning back on his heels, he pulled open the drawer beside Y/N. His hands were careful as they retrieved the knife he was after. He’d memorised its place in that drawer. Once again, Y/N was trapped in a stare. Their gaze followed the knife with confusion as Spencer began to wrap a hand towel around the blade.

When Spencer caught sight of this, he raised an eyebrow and waved the handle around in a circle. “You did say next time.”

A hint of guilt crawled around in his gut. Perhaps they would think he was pressuring them to keep a promise they made in a daze of hormones.

But Y/N simply whispered, “I did. I also said we’d have to make sure you don’t cut yourself.”

“I’ve thought about this already,” Spencer said as his fingers held the blade - safely encased by the towel.

“Me too.”

With his eyes as wild as his hair, Spencer moved the end of the handle across their sex, tentatively stroking it across where their cum and his spit met. Then he took a leisurely pace to push it inside them. His eyes fixated on the way they clenched around it, unconsciously wanting more while they restrained their other movements with stiff knuckles grasping at the countertop.

“How’s that feel?” Spencer said quietly, his hot breath hitting their skin as hard as the curves of the handle pressed against their walls.

Through their exhale, Y/N replied, “It’s good.”

“Yeah?” Spencer began pulling the knife out slowly once it reached halfway inside of them, “Not as good as me though.”

“No, never.”

Right answer.

He pushed it back in, until the edge of the blade was an inch from their soaked sex. Then he released it.

“Spenc-”

“Stop. Keep it there. I know you can.”

The hand towel dropped, untangled and fell off the blade.

Spencer leant back again and watched how the blade quivered with them now, reacting to their body just as they reacted to it. “Careful now. If you don’t hold it still, you could cut yourself.”

Y/N let out a groan of frustration but they listened to his demands. Soon the knife was near still. There was still a familiar tremble that shifted it from inside of them, but it was nothing to worry about yet. Licking his lips, a hint of their taste still on them, Spencer reached out to their clit and began rubbing it. He delighted in Y/N’s groans.

“That’s it, keep that cunt tight.” Eyes still on them, he pulled out from his underwear his cock and stroked his hands in time together. It thrilled him to no end, his pleasure only increased by theirs. “Does it feel good?”

“Daddy, please,” Y/N bit their lip, unable to look at what Spencer was doing to them.

“Look at you, trying to keep that still in you, all tense, when I’m teasing your pretty clit. What’s it like knowing you want more but you can’t have it?”

They were struggling, the blade slipping out millimetre by millimetre despite their best efforts. Their hips jerked as they would when riding him. But their thighs were forced apart lest the shining metal between them bite worse than their Daddy. They were simply too aroused to do a better job, poor baby.

“You know how I like looking at them.”

Spencer leant close, breathing in their earthy smell, and he pressed a kiss on their clit. His lips parted for him to lick at it twice, to feel their most sensitive parts twitch against his mouth again. He looked at their face as his finger found the blunt tip of the knife and pushed the handle back up into them. Y/N’s mouth fell open, a ragged gasp shaking at the back of their throat. Spencer looked back at the knife just in time to see a drop of their cum slip down the edge of it. His cock twitched. His teeth bared in a smile.

“But this view is my favourite.”

[saeran-imagines]

Ray x Reader - Promise

It wasn't a request or anything, but I wrote some Ray x Reader hurt/comfort for my needy soul~ Based on that one time in the garden where he says all those things about how it'd be okay if you hurt him 😢 But it doesn't fit anywhere specific on the timeline~

“I’m sorry.” Ray’s voice cuts through the silence. This was your second trip out to the garden with him, and the evening had been quiet and peaceful. You’d been sitting together on a bench surrounded by roses turned orange from the setting sun. This might be the longest conversation you’ve had with him. He doesn’t seem to like talking about himself, but he listened intently as you talked about your likes, dislikes and desires. He asked a thousand questions, wanting to know every little detail about you, down to your favorite shape and your mother’s last name. Not that you minded. You satisfied his curiosity, throwing in fun little anecdotes to entertain him along the way. He’s out of questions for the night, though, and the two of you have been watching the sun go down in silence. “I’m really sorry.” The bench creaks beside you, and you turn to see his head scrunched up in his hands.

“Ray, what’s wrong?” The night had been going so well, did you say something upsetting? Did he forget about something he had to do? Your mind races through the events of the last hour trying to figure out where something could have gone wrong. 

“I’m not nearly as entertaining as the RFA...” he starts. “You could have been talking with them this whole time, but you went along with me and let me selfishly keep you here all night.” Oh no, that’s what this is about... His insecurities have hardly been a secret since the day you met him, but you’d desperately hoped they wouldn’t show themselves tonight. He deserves to enjoy himself, even if it’s just for a few hours. You reach out for him, but stop when he flinches away.

“I didn’t-” you stutter, worried that saying the wrong thing could make the situation worse. “I came here with you because I like spending time with you, okay? Tonight was wonderful.” He curls up into himself more.

“Oh god, and I’m ruining it right now, aren’t I? It was perfect and I just ruined it.” 

“No, it’s oka-”

“I’m such an idiot, you can go ahead and hit me if you want.” He finally lifts his head to look at you, revealing his tear stained face. “You can throw things at me, or kick me, or pull my hair, anything that’ll make it up to you.” His shaking body looks like it’s about to collapse into itself, his fingers digging into his knees. Seeing him in this state is too painful, you have to do something about it. You might not have a magic button to take all his pain away, but god dammit you’ll do anything in your power to make sure you’re not a source of it.

"Ray.” His head snaps up like a trained puppy at the sound of his name being called. Which one of the horrible people in his life taught him that trick? You try your best to kick that thought out of your head, you can’t focus on the past right now. “You trust me, right?”

“Of course I trust you!” he sits up straighter, voice frantic. “Anything you tell me to do, I’ll do it.” You frown. He’s getting the wrong message, but at least you have his attention now. 

“Thank you.” You smile at him, hoping it looks more reassuring than pained. “Then, can you do me a favor?” 

“Anything.” He leans in closer to you, so close that you can feel his warm breath against your face. If this were a better situation, if you were in a safer place right now, you might have leaned in to close the distance. But that’s not what either of you need right now.

“Okay, then I’m going to make a promise to you, and I want you to try your best to believe me.” He leans back a little, his intensity shifting towards confusion. 

“A promise?” he asks.

“Yeah, a promise.” You reach towards his hands but you don’t take them, instead offering yours for him to hold if he chooses. He reaches out hesitantly, glancing back up at you to make sure he really has permission before grabbing them. His grip is just a bit too tight for comfort, but that’s the least of your worries right now. “And I don’t make promises very often, so please try to believe that I’ll keep it. Okay?

“...Okay.” His body is still tense with apprehension. When you asked him for a favor he expected to have to do something, to fetch you a meal, or fix a bug on your phone, or leave you alone for the rest of the night. He would have happily ripped his heart out for you to crush under your feet. But a promise… if you were trying to torture him, this is the best way to do it. He does trust you, though, more than anyone else. Maybe… maybe even more than his savior, though he wouldn’t dare say so out loud. So as much as he wants to, he doesn’t flinch or look away as he waits for you to speak. You run your fingers across his knuckles, smiling with more confidence at his earnesty. 

“Alright,” you resist the urge to tack a ‘darling’ or a ‘sweetheart’ to the end of that. This is the most attentive he’s ever been towards you, and you don’t want to ruin that by confusing him even more. “I promise... that I’m never ever going to hurt you.” You bring his hands closer to your chest and squeeze them for emphasis. His breath hitches and his eyes widen, now unable to look away from your intense gaze. 

You take a deep breath to control your voice. You’re very passionate about this and you want it to show, but the last thing you want is to scare him off by your intensity sending the wrong message. “I’m not ever gonna hit you, or throw things at you, or shout at you...” Tears start to form behind your eyes at the thought of doing something so horrible, but you continue. “There’s nothing you could do that would push me to hurt you.” 

You take a chance and lift your hand up to cup his cheek. He gasps but doesn’t flinch, tentatively leaning into the touch instead. If only you could do more... You could wrap your arms around him and hold him against your chest, telling him that everything will be okay while you run your hands through his hair. Or pull his face closer to yours and close the distance, kissing him so deeply and passionately that he doesn’t have the chance to doubt himself. But that would do more harm than good, this isn’t the time to be self indulgent. All you can do is convince yourself that you’ll have all the time in the world for that once you’re free from this hell. 

You feel a drop of water on your hand. Did it start to rain? No, he’s crying. Did you do something wrong? Your other hand moves on its own to brush the tear from his other eye before it gets the chance to fall. “Darling?” You mentally curse yourself, the pet name fell from your mouth while you’re caught off guard. His tears turn into sobs and you don’t know what to do. 

“I’d rather...” he manages to get a few words out despite his body telling him not to, screaming at him that it’s safer not to speak. “P-Please don’t promise that. I’d rather have- have you hurt me than leave me.” He’s not looking at you anymore. His eyes are focused on the gap of bench between you, not daring to look anywhere else. Fuck it. You do exactly what you told yourself you wouldn’t do and wrap your arms around him, pulling him into your chest and resting your head on his shoulder. Now that he’s pressed up against you the scent of something toxic beneath his layers of cologne becomes clearer. That must be the elixir that’s been keeping him in agony for god knows how long. You hold him tighter, but immediately let up when you notice his breaths are coming out squeaky from the pressure. What irony would that be, if you crushed him to death right after promising you’d never hurt him. 

“Hey, that won’t happen either. I’m not gonna leave this place without you by my side.” All self control is lost as you rub circles into his back and play with his hair in a desperate attempt to calm him down. Your mind is racing too hard to find the right words to say, all you can do is pray that your touches hold enough emotion to get through to him. You’re mumbling something into his ear, something about everything being okay, about not leaving him. You hear yourself call him ‘baby’ somewhere in there but you try to move past that thought before you have the time to get mortified over it. Maybe something in your messy attempt at comfort worked, or maybe he’s just all cried out, but his sobs eventually even out into sniffles. Weak and tired from the emotional rollercoaster, he doesn’t think twice before snuggling further into your embrace.

“...Okay,” he whispers. What?

“Okay?” 

“I’ll... I’ll try my best to believe you. I can’t understand why you’re being so nice to me, but since you promised I’ll try to believe you.” Right, the promise. You smile into his neck. 

“Thank you. I’ll prove to you that I really mean it.”

☁ ☁ ☁

“Ray?” The bench creaks as he jumps slightly, startled from the silence being broken. After you’d wiped each other’s tears away the two of you stayed side by side on the bench, holding hands and watching the sky turn dark. An attempt at cooling down before you go back to your lonely room and he goes back to his sleepless work. “Sorry, didn’t mean to startle you.”

“No, it’s okay. What is it?” He turns slightly to look at you, but you don’t meet his eyes. The embarrassment of losing your cool earlier is still fresh in your mind.

“I just want you to know that I really meant that promise,” you say. “And don’t think it’s just because I’m nice, because I’m definitely not above smacking people down. But this promise is for you, Ray, I promise not to hurt you. And if I do by some accident, I’ll make it up to you ten times over.” His face flushes and he looks down at his lap. 

“But you are nice, you’re the nicest person I’ve ever met.” You chuckle.

“Nah, I’m not nice. I’m nice to you, but that’s because you’re... you. There’s a lot of people in this world-” the so-called ‘savior’ comes to mind as you talk, and your voice grows colder. “A lot of people in this world that I’d crush like ants between my fingers if I could.” With narrowed eyes you raise your hand towards the Magenta building, imagining the savior sitting inside. You squish your imaginary enemy with your fingers for emphasis. It gives you a rush of joy in some weird twisted way that you should probably talk to a professional about.

“But... you won’t crush me?” He asks softly, unsure of himself. There’s a glimmer of hope in the question, though, a glimmer that wouldn’t have been there if he’d asked an hour ago. You finally look at him and he meets your eyes.. 

“No, I won’t crush you.” Genuine smiles have been in short supply for you recently, but this gentle, peaceful moment with the object of your affection coaxes one out of you. ‘I will squish you though,’ is what you wanna say before diving in to pinch his cheeks, but you settle for another squeeze of his hand. You’ll have all the time in the world for that later. Right now you just need to escape.

[saberspirit]

jiang cheng character analysis essay under the cut! bc he means a Lot to me (its 5 pages im sorry)

tl;dr my thoughts on his relationship to his parents, his relationship with anger and feelings of inferiority, what zidian represents to him, his siblings (largely about what led to him and wwx falling out), and my thoughts on reconciliation between him and wei wuxian in the end.

tw!!! for child abuse and death, also warning for spoilers for the ending. 

alternatively can be read on google docs for accessibility

foreword: by writing this it is not my intention to imply this is the end all be all interpretation, or that i know more than fans of colour (especially chinese/chinese-american fans). i’m looking at his character as a white fan and through a western lens. i understand there are nuances i wont understand, but i have tried and continue to look at him w/ an educated view point and i’m always trying to continue my own self-driven education. i’m as always open to criticism and correction, although i understand it is no ones job to do so. it’s purely an interpretation from someone relating to his themes that i talk about here. thank you for reading! 

Jiang Cheng has a very complicated relationship with his parents (understatement), though different from Wei Wuxian’s complicated relationship w/ them (some overlaps being given).

It’s obvious to me that JC identifies more as his mother's son than his father's—feels he has to be because surely that’s why he feels neglected and like he’s constantly being found wanting by his father (even if Fengmian does Not mean to come across that way and isn’t a cruel man). He identifies with his mother’s anger and feeling of not being what his father truly wanted or loved and I don’t think he realized the effect she had on him with her constant comparison game—trying to measure him up because Madam Yu used him as a playing piece in her constant warring with Fengmian and instilled a sense of otherness in him and his deep-rooted feelings of inferiority and not being Good enough, not being enough in general. And yet he still deeply loves them even through all that he’s been through because of them both.

He never grew up learning how love should be in a relationship; should be from a parent to a child. The love he learned is a different type of conditional love from WWX's (WWX being that he doesn’t trust it in the first place, knowing it will leave). JC receives love and praise but knows it comes from a silent arrangement: it’s transactional. He upholds what his parents want and he gets…a form of it. Jiang Fengmian loved him in a way that you just kind of do love family, perhaps without a real reason otherwise—not pretty, but it is as it is. Madam Yu loved him in a way one loves a possession: she saw too much of Jiang Fengmian in him and JC was a reminder of how unhappy she was and how much her husband didn’t seem to care about her or what she gave him. (This isn’t to downplay Yanli's role in JC’s life: I think she was truly the only one to show him unconditional love in a way that he understood and recognized but it's unfortunately different from siblings and fell on half-deaf ears when all JC really wanted was his father’s approval).

Madam Yu was (afaik) stated to not be physically abusive (aside from the whipping when the Wens came from Wei Wuxian), but she was one-hundred percent verbally and emotionally abusive (for example, punishing WWX w/ isolation from the family w/ seclusion, or in general just how she talked to JC and WWX). She broke those two boys and it's something that can’t be undone…and Zidian represents that trauma, abuse, and expectation and JC’s anger and resentment that was the product of it. It’s literally lightning in a whip form; able to bind without harm, but it’s primarily used to hurt; it can reveal a true form; control over it is only relinquished to one’s family and loved ones.

JC doesn’t just lash out verbally at Wei Wuxian when they meet in his second life, he literally does. It’s his anger under his skin like static, driving him forward and being unable to rest because he’s constantly looking for closure he can’t have. He resents how his parents and Wei Wuxian made him feel but it’s also the only thing he has of them, and he clings to that (and therefore Zidian). It’s the last thing, bar Lotus Pier, that he has of his family anymore, and he wields it like a weapon…because ultimately it’s the only thing he's known for a very long time. Anger is an easy emotion. He wears it well. It was an emotion he learned from his mother, and he is his mother’s son.

As a side note for Zidian: Jin Ling refusing to take it from JC in the Burial Mounds to me was very much about not wanting a goodbye. He's a stubborn kid—JC mirrored what his mother did to him in handing off Zidian before certain death, and I think Jin Ling realized "take care of Zidian" meant "because I can’t anymore". JC wanted Jin Ling to stay safe and keep a hold on their family's legacy, but Jin Ling refused it and stepped forward to protect JC—JL is tired of goodbyes and afraid of losing more people, but also that stubborn streak to protect his family back. He went into the fray himself even if it’s not what JC was asking him to do (but then to JC’s chagrin the kid never really does do what he asks usually, Jin Ling has a good head on his shoulders and he’s as stubborn and quick to anger as his jiujiu but he’s also as incredibly loyal and caring). And I think it's a good vehicle to show that JL is breaking that cycle for them both.

Back to Jiang Cheng and anger and his siblings though. Yanli is all about showing affection in her words and actions (ie. meal sharing, peeling the lotus seeds, etc). WWX struggles to show it in forthright actions, let alone verbalize it (he’s truly bad at it) so while WWX does love his brother and shows it in actions like giving him his golden core…it’s not something JC picks up on well, or at all because he doesn’t even get told about the core until the Guanyin Temple. Jiang Cheng is someone who needs verbalized confirmation and very obvious action. But then to be fair, JC is also not good at verbalizing his love and care (he and Wei Wuxian are two peas in a pod w/ this one). It’s often behind barbed wire because 1) that’s how it was shown to him and 2) because it’s safer and easier to hide behind anger. He really does use it as a shield to protect his real feelings because he’s used to his feelings being trivial and being thrown in his face, and is used to loss. It’s a buffer.

This leads to a problem: Wei Wuxian does love him unconditionally, but I don’t think JC knows that. When he’s faced with the golden core surgery after everything, it’s definitely obvious, but it’s so twisted up in being hidden from him, in his own fears and feelings of failure and reliance that it’s soured. And he struggles to reach out and be frank with his own worries.

And this leads and lends to the severity of their falling out (not the only cause, but a big player in it).

He deeply loves his brother, but it's also entrenched in his bitterness and fears. If it was initially hard for him to verbalize because of those issues (on top of being a teenager/young adult and his feelings of inferiority irt WWX), he’s now in the current day steeped in sixteen years of loss/grief/trauma. Of unresolved tension between the two of them because WWX never told anyone anything—even if that’s just how he is, nothing personal towards JC except maybe that it’s his little brother, his shidi, and he doesn’t want to put a burden on those he loves—and JC tried time and time again to believe him and in him.

The problem was that his trust got thrown in his face time and time again. His older ‘peers’ (clan leaders) mocked and insulted him to his face for his naivety, pointed out that what WWX was doing was an insult to JC and their family, that WWX’s actions disrespected him and that he should do something about it. WWX’s actions themselves alongside him never letting JC in on anything further isolated them and put walls between them. This sewed the seed of the idea for JC that maybe he was naive. That WWX couldn’t uphold his duty and promises to JC and their family while also upkeeping his own personal code of ethics. (Not that it helped that Jiang Cheng also started lashing out at Wei Wuxian in minor ways for not having Suibian, but he didn’t exactly know why, to his credit).

His trust was him trying to care for WWX through all they’ve lost, but he’s also under the immense pressure of leading and rebuilding his home while also being looked down upon for his inexperience and ties to the man the cultivation world loathes.

Jiang Cheng believed WWX when he said he'd help him, wanted him to and expected him to. That’s his big brother and ultimately family comes first, so it was out of the question that WXX wouldn’t uphold that duty to him. Jiang Cheng is barely an adult as Sect Leader and was still a teen when they lost everything, so of course he wanted to rely on and believe Wei Wuxian when he said he'd help. JC doesn’t usually rely on others—I’d wager he hates relying on WWX especially as a callback to the inferiority complex—but he lets WWX in when they have the “Twin Prides” talk, lets him in when he promises JC to help him rebuild their home…and then WWX lets him down several times.

Post Burial Mounds there are signs that JC notices, if not consciously then subconsciously, that something is off with his brother (the demonic cultivation, the flute, the lack of Suibian, his weakness when pushed, etc), little things that he noted but didn’t have the time during a War to think too deeply on. He’s more relieved to just have him back where he can see him, happy that his brother can help them. Jiang Cheng gives him his vote of confidence in his abilities, in him, because he never thought of WWX or his methods badly (having been a fan until it became a symbol of losing Wei Wuxian to Something Else). Even if he had thought something of it, did have a concern, they don’t easily talk to each other now.

That much is obvious when after various meetings post the Sunshot Campaign as WWX is struggling with his temperament and resentful energy, after WWX saves the Wen remnants from the Jin Clan, and Jiang Cheng shows up at the Burial Mounds. He still believes in Wei Wuxian, still is bound to help him, and wants to help him. He’s willing to sacrifice the Wens for his brother. His actions and words are not pretty, but by god is he desperate. Jiang Cheng wants to save him and hides it with harsh words because once again he’s not good at being forthright with his feelings. He’s at his wits’ end, he’s barely 20, and suddenly he's losing Wei Wuxian too. It’s not about them being Wens because at this point he’s aware they’re helpless—it’s because it’s WWX and he’s supposed to make the right decision and be competent. It’s freshly post-war and he’s scared: his big brother is leaving and he feels powerless and he Hates that. Once again feels like he’s not good enough. Not good enough to save WWX, not good enough to lead, and he’s under intense scrutiny. He tells WWX as much that at this point he can’t help, and it hurts him to not be able to. Jiang Cheng wants Wei Wuxian to help him, help him. It’s an admittance wrapped in hurt and hurtful words, and WWX throws it in his face because he can’t let him in.

It’s not meant in any malicious way. Wei Wuxian is also traumatized, scared and hurting and dealing with the changes demonic cultivation is causing within him. But this is a key moment when JC for once verbalizes his fears and WWX tells him, ‘good, you don’t need to worry, I don’t have anything to do with you from now on’. (And of course, WWX is doing this to protect JC, but this response is what JC is afraid of).

So we have two times that JC has tried really hard in his own ways to let WWX in. To rely on him and be honest with him and WWX ends up…breaking his promises and leaving him and their family behind. And to me, that explains his actions when the last time they speak before he dies (that we’re shown anyways). WWX is sitting down with Jiang Cheng and Yanli. JC is the one that set up them being able to meet him, the one that reached out even after they fought to make his defecting from the Sect look convincing. He was the one that told Yanli that WWX should be the one to give a courtesy name to her child.

And then WWX brings Wen Ning. Yanli is open to Wen Ning sitting in and enjoying their family tradition, but JC can't understand why. Why WWX chose these people over his own family. He resents it. When he says "you might not be able to come back, to your family" I can imagine how much it destroys him to hear WWX say "but the people I’m returning to are also my family". Because what does that make them, WWX’s siblings; what does that make the promises and the years spent raised together, the duty he had to them first. Wei Wuxian might return to the Burial Mounds, but Jiang Cheng has to return to an empty Lotus Pier. The ghosts of his parents and ghosts of memories of his siblings he’s never getting back (because Yanli will be in Jinlin Tai after her upcoming wedding).

Repeatedly over and over Jiang Cheng reaches out, but time and time again it’s like WWX is telling him he’s not enough: not enough for WWX to rely on, not enough to protect him, not enough for him to want to return to, not enough to be family.

Then the cultivation world comes for WWX and his amulet. Yanli is killed, as far as JC can tell, because of the mess WWX made, and once again he’s in the dark about everything. Then WWX dies and rumours swirl that JC killed him, and maybe he did, maybe he is his brother’s killer even if Wei Wuxian would call it a misunderstanding. He’s left alone with an orphaned nephew in Lotus Pier with his entire family, bar an infant, dead.

So Jiang Cheng spends the next sixteen years without answers, with WWX having reinforced his insecurities and fears that stemmed from the abuse he'd suffered during childhood and then died. Yanli died when she never should’ve been in danger in the first place, seemingly because of Wei Wuxian. And he's so angry. He lashes out at memories and reminders, lashes out at anyone who chooses that same path that WWX chose over his family.

By the time Wei Wuxian’s come back from the dead and JC knows it’s him, WWX is still deflecting, still hiding still not telling him the truth. The fact that WWX comes back at all hurts purely as a fresh opening of the old wound, but the fact that he doesn’t come to find JC, that once again JC and his family isn’t a priority and once again is second best (this time to Lan Wangji)?

He doesn’t kill his brother. JC sits him down in a room and tries to talk but old hurts rile up and he reaches for anger again. WWX isn’t forthright and it makes it worse, neither of them are good at communicating: too many things unsaid, that can’t be said, too many misunderstandings and neither of them knowing how to talk about it. JC has Fairy there and it’s a minor act of revenge. JC uses what he knows is WWX’s weakness to intimidate and immobilize him, but it doesn’t help either of them actually talk.

Reconciliation is going to require WWX being able to talk to him without deflecting and JC getting angry so easily. But by this point, he’s given WWX a lot of chances and it’s why I think they could and would easily post-canon. Jiang Cheng's starting to come to an understanding that WWX did and still does care about him. He didn’t give him his golden core for no reason, and JC starts to understand why WWX did it for him and that he knew JC well enough to hide it in the first place.

He started to reach that conclusion shortly after Wen Ning told him—oh the pain of it having been WWX's chosen little brother figure—and Jiang Cheng had gone around asking people to unsheathe Suibian. It's why he brought Chenqing to the temple in the first place.

I think it speaks to his maturity that he decided at that moment he couldn’t say what he wanted to tell WWX in the end. I think he knew neither of them was ready, but I also think it speaks of how much he misses and trusts WWX to have let him go for now…I think he knows they will meet again as long as they both live, and that they'll be better for having waited. After some time to think, digest, they’ll be ready to be family again and all that entails.

[sweetestlamb]

Stronger Part 3 (Unbreak my Heart)

Summary: Gang-tae finally gets a reality check.

Author's note: Slightly tipsy as I wrote this, life has been very busy but I have plans to write a naughty Search:WWW fic so I wanted to get this out first. The next chapters will be the climaxes and y'all can let me know if you want smut in this series, or if you like it nice and wholesome. 🙃🙃🙃🙃 But no worries the smut would come muchhhhh later.

Mang-tae lays limp on the night frosted ground, gleaming button eyes peering up at him in judgement. With a deep rooted sigh he bends over to retrieve the doll, pocketing it before turning from the empty spot she no longer resides.

The happiness that bubbled up at her unforeseen appearance has twisted and crystallized into a rancid pool of disappointment and melancholy at her just as sudden disappearance.

He doesn't understand.

Opening up had been difficult, the most challenging obstacle he'd faced in their.... predicament. She'd been poking and prodding for as long as he'd know her, enticing him to crawl out of his self imposed prison, until he broke. Unleashed all his pain and misery on her like torrential showers thundering from the heavens. Voicing hidden horrors and his not so hidden desires, he'd tried to subdue his feelings but as always she made him act out of character.

The thought of that mad woman harming her made his skin boil with heated anger, so much so that all he could do was kiss her back to life; his grim thoughts had painted morbid tales of her demise and seeing her there on the staircase, painfully gorgeous had been so heart shattering he almost wept.

But somehow that hadn't been enough. His secrets and his scars weren't enough for her, she'd seen the real him and taken his advice to get lost. She wasn't supposed to listen to him, she never had before.

"Geesh what was that about? She looked like a witch out here! Did you two have fight? Why didn't she try to kidnap you and take you home?" Jae-su's bewildered voice cracks through the thumping of his heart, weighty in his chest.

He fumbles to think of an answer. He's at a loss, maybe he was the one who wouldn't understand her for a hundred years.

"I... don't... It's nothing. We're fine. Let's go inside." His friend scoffs, condescending eyes calling him a liar but he ignores them, running away instead.

At least he still has Sang-tae.

"I can't. I'm busy." His brother carelessly rejects his offer to hang out and watch cartoons, stuffing pencils and a notepad into the satchel slung across his body. Fidgeting as he fixes his hair in the mirror, visibly excited about his events for the day. He tries not to be jealous that he isn't a part of those plans.

He fails.

"Where are you going? Can't I come?" He pleads, staring up at his older brother with wide beckoning eyes.

Sang-tae stares back nonplussed, "You're not as cute at the alley cat, that won't convince me. That isn't convincing at all Gang-tae."

With a groan he rolls on the bed roll, before clambering onto his feet. Pulling out his phone he sends Jae-su a text, Do you want to hang out? He freezes as his eyes unknowingly land on her messages underneath, tricks to get him back in the castle and teasing selfies that he had saved once he received them.

He'd composed many messages to her before his thumb destroyed them with systemic viciousness, leaving no letter untouched. There was still a minuscule part of him that envisioned her coming back of her own volition. She always came back, boomeranging back into his life every time he attempted to flick her out. It was a law of his universe.

Yet it had been days since their last interaction and he'd heard nothing from her, no calls or messages, simply radio silence. He was beginning to become worried.

The honk of a car snaps him from his thoughts as Sang-tae perks up at the alarming sound, happily flailing before running out the doors.

He follows blindly, stopping in the doorway gazing down at her familiar car, instinctively he grabs Sang-tae's arm hindering his movement and escape.

"Where are you going?" He asks stupidly as if he can't see what is so painfully obvious.

Sang-tae looks at him with a look that mirrors his own thoughts, "My bestie invited me to a book conference, I'm going as her illustrator. We're going as partners, it's too to make connections she said. I'll be gone all day."

He can't hear Sang-tae's excited spiel over the blood rushing to his face, she hadn't contacted him at all but clearly was still conversing with his brother. Why was she only upset with him? Annoyance and jealousy ebb in equal waves in his blood line.

"Hyung don't you think that's too much? I thought you weren't talking to her right now." He instigates, feeling petty about being the one left out.

"I was but I forgave her, sometimes best friends fight but she apologized so I forgave her. She's going to be a better best friend now."

Sang-tae speaks calmly and certainly, pulling away from his firm grip and skipping down the stairs before hopping into the car.

Finally he allows his eyes to land on the window, readily expecting her answering gaze, eager to lock eyes with her and get lost in time with her.

Her smile is blinding and tender, eyes soft crescents.

But they aren't on him, they are locked instead on Sang-tae. Cloying possessiveness curls around his control and without any acknowledgement of him, they're gone in smoke and the smell of burnt rubber.

He gets drunk, disgustingly so, sloshing the liquid on his sleeves as he loses his balance and almost pitches off the table.

He'd bitten the bullet and finally sent her a message, readying for her to call and for them to fight their way back into their... predicament.

Instead he'd gotten a taste of his own medicine, it was poignantly bitter. It hadn't even been read. He wasn't sure if that made it better or worse.

"I told her everything, things I never even told you! But she's ignoring me, why? Why would she do that?"

Jae-su's eyes are huge as he rambles on, snatching a shot of soju from his hand before he can slam it back, he whines making grabby hands.

"Why did you get so drunk? You said that you only wanted to have a few drinks." Jae-su sighs exasperated, falling back onto the table folding his arms behind his head.

"Jae-su, what did I do wrong? Why won't she answer my messages? I stopped running, I let her catch m--"

"Yah!" They both jump from the volume of the scream, Gang-tae almost falling to the ground in his shock.

Sang-in's rage filled face swims in his vision, intoxication stuttering his movement.

"You think you did her any favors? You think meeting you did her any good? Do you know what she was like after you left her that day? She cried everyday. You broke her. You made her come back to this wretched place, do you know what that castle means to her? You're a selfish prick. Did you even say sorry to her for everything you've done to her?" Sang-in's spit showers his face in a wet splash, a feeling of deja vu overwhelming him.

He blinks back, dazed.

Jae-su shakes himself from his trance, jumping to his defense, "What's your problem? Of course he apologized to her! What are you accusing my best friend of?" He points his finger into the manager's face as they slap and hit each other.

That day. His blood runs cold, remembering his cruel words, berating and belittling her all because he couldn't deal with his feelings for her. Couldn't be honest with his brother or himself.

One time event.

Her tears salty like the sea water that crashed at their feet.

Realization drops on him like a dead weight, severing his air flow.

Did you even apologize?

Did you even say sorry?

He racks his brain scouring his memory desperately, that conversation playing out in his mind like a movie, scene by scene.

Telling her about Sang-tae and his trauma, the effects that had on him and the way he was allowed to live life, inviting her to join this life, be with them.

And, I, need you.

All about him.

He hadn't asked her if she was okay after being targeted by a patient, her skin pale as he ascended the stairs to wrap her in a hug. Her voice was not a part of the conversation, he'd said let's talk but in all honesty he had been the only one to talk.

About his pain.

His suffering.

All about him.

Gosh.

"I'm an asshole." He whispers aloud finally, finally understanding.

Sang-in and Jae-su both pause at his soft declaration, hands tangled from their scuffle.

"You are. But somehow you got the bitch and the nice girl. You don't deserve either."

He has never felt smaller in his life.

Why are you mad?

Stop acting up.

Those had been his messages, the only messages he'd sent to her, nothing but shameful regret fills his veins now, he hadn't done nearly enough. Not by a long shot.

He'd woken up the next day with a killer hangover and a sour taste in his mouth, wanting the ground to swallow him up. He wasn't that lucky.

He'd called her, one, two, three, many times. Each time going to voice mail, testament to her avoiding him.

Mun-yeong. Please.

I need to talk to you.

He'd lost track of the amount of times he'd looked at his phone hopefully, only to be crestfallen when it wasn't her. If this was anything like she felt when he ignored his messages he would never do that again. That coupled with Sang-in's snarky comments and withering glares made him want to pull his hair out.

The castle looms over him as he hesitates at the gate, before pushing it open with a loud creak.

His knocks boom on the hollow wood of the door, pounding as hard as his heart. The castle is silent, he pounds once more.

"Mun-yeong! Ko Mun-Yeong, please open up! I need to talk to you." He hangs his head, hand sliding down the smooth wood.

The silence is deafening.

"Please, Mun-yeong. I'm.... sorry."

He falls to the steps, the strength disappearing from his bones.

"Get up. Stop making such a scene, this was always the outcome. Only I can take care of her."

He twists his head around, eyes too tired to form a true glare but the intent there.

"Where is she?" He demands, fury and shame emboldening him.

Sang-in scoffs at him, walking away after peering through the windows.

He feels his eyes prickle from his emotions overtaking him, life without her was like going from high definition to black and white, his life was lack luster and empty.

"Wait." He begs, tears caressing his cheeks, "Please, where is she? I have to make this right."

Sang-in pauses on the last step, hesitation evident in the sharp angle of his shoulders before he starts walking again, leaving him shattered on the ground.

Sang-in stops at his car, steel eyes as he looks at him with pity, "Maybe it's your turn to start chasing."

The truth can be humbling.

[emy-loves-you]

Wrong Numbers and Useless Gays Chapter 19

The Confrontation

Chapter 18 | Masterlist | Chapter 20

Warnings: Crying, shouting, accidental dead naming, alcohol

“REMUS! WAIT!” Virgil shouted, running after him. It took a lot of restraint for Janus to not immediately follow. He turned to Talyn, who looked extremely confused (not that Janus blamed them).

“Talyn, please escort the other two… guests to my room once they’ve exited the bathroom.” He turned to Roman. “Follow me.” He began speed walking in the direction Remus had run, not stopping to wait for Roman. Sure enough, Roman ran after him, soon speed walking right next to him. Janus ignored him for the moment, heading in a specific direction. Even though Remus liked to say otherwise, he was extremely predictable for Janus. Whenever Remus was trying to avoid people, he would try and lose them in the East Wing before hiding in the boiler room, which was located in the West Wing. Virgil never knew where Remus hid (mostly because Remus was usually running after pranking Virgil, so Virgil would give chase until he gave up and went to give up) but Janus had discovered his hiding spot the first time they performed here. He had never brought it up, simply because he had no reason to. Now, it would prove useful. As he headed to the boiler room, Roman spoke up.

“So,” Janus forced himself to not flinch; he’d forgotten that Roman was there. “Ree didn’t give a very good explanation. Did you know who she-”

“He.” Janus cut in, never breaking his stride. “He left because your parents didn’t accept him as their son. Virgil and I met him when he was 18. Before now, he assumed you were a transphobe and homophobe, just like your parents.” He let his tone grow emotionless. “I assume that’s not the case?”

Roman shook his head. “I stopped believing what my parents told me the day Ree left. I didn’t even realize how much I depended on her- him- fuck. It’s gonna take a minute to break that habit.”

Soon enough, they reached the boiler room, and just in the nick of time. Janus and Roman walked up to the door just as Virgil ran down the hallway, tears in his eyes. “I lost him. I’ve searched everywhere and-” Janus raised his hand, shutting Virgil up. He gestured towards the boiler room. Virgil’s eyes lit up as he approached the door. He pushed open the door without knocking, knowing that Remus would try and hide if he knocked.

The room was large, filled with different machines and pipes. Remus sat in the corner, his knees pressed to his chest, tears streaming down his face. Roman whimpered, “Oh, ReeRee.” Remus’ eyes shot up to meet Roman’s, and he instinctively curled in on himself. Roman whimpered again, and Janus spoke up.

“I believe it would be best if Anxiety stayed to act as mediator. I will go check on our other guests.” With that, Janus turned on his heel and walked out. While Janus wanted nothing more than to stay and comfort Remus, he knew that he was too overprotective to stay. The twins needed to get this off their chests without interruption, and Janus knew he would snap at Roman the second he said something that could offend Remus. Virgil had always been good at keeping silent when necessary, and Janus trusted him to stop them if things got too... intense.

Janus hurried back to his room, where he found Talyn, Patton and Logan. Patton shot up off the couch and started asking about Roman and Remus. Logan stared at Janus like he was a puzzle he was trying to solve. Even with the heavy makeup on his face, Janus had never felt more exposed. Logan suddenly scowled at Janus, as if he was the bane of Logan’s existence. Before Janus could process what that meant, the scowl was gone, and Logan had his hand on Patton’s shoulder.

“I’m sure they’re fine.” Logan assured him, rubbing small circles into his shoulders. Patton turned into putty in his hands. “Deceit wouldn’t have left Roman unattended if the situation wasn’t fully under control.” If Talyn or Patton noticed the ice in Logan’s tone when he said Deceit, they didn’t show it. Janus quickly put up a mask of cool indifference.

“Yess.” Deceit practically hissed out. “I left Anxiety to act as a mediator. Your boyfriend will be fine.” Deceit hoped that they’d be fine. Lying to Virgil’s crushes didn’t seem like a good idea.

Logan suddenly spun Patton around so he was facing Logan. “Why don’t you and Talyn go and get the Uno cards out of the car? I suspect that it might be a while before they’ve finished talking.” Deceit had a feeling that Logan just wanted the two of them alone.

“Alright, Lolo!” Patton said, giving Logan a quick kiss before grabbing Talyn’s hand. “C’mon, Kiddo! I’ve got a tupperware of snickerdoodles in the car that I think you’ll love!” With that, they were gone.

Logan immediately turned on Deceit, his face showing no emotion. “Was he ever going to tell us?”

Deceit walked to the corner of the room, where a bottle of scotch sat. He poured two glasses. “I have absolutely no idea as to what you are referring to.” He held out the glass, hoping that the subtle shaking of his hand didn’t give him away.

Logan scoffed, grabbing the glass and drinking it in one go. He winced at the burning sensation. “C’mon, Janus, don’t play coy with me.”

Janus sighed, taking a small sip before sitting on the sofa. “As far as I’m aware, he was planning on showing up on the 20th in his favorite hoodie. I believe Patton made it for him? If that didn’t give it away, I don’t know what would.” He took another sip. “I was hoping you would figure it out the day I gave you that CD. I mean, why would I of all people give you it? And before you ask, that was the same day Virgil realized that the three people he was flirting with were you three. Before that, he had used the sickeningly sweet nicknames.”

Logan sighed, slouching in a way that looked almost painful. “I don’t know what to think anymore. While I understand why he would keep this,” he gestured around vaguely, “a secret, it still feels like he… betrayed us.” He laughed harshly. “And here I was, feeling awful for having feelings for both Anxiety and Virgil, when they’re the same person!” He laughed again, but this time he didn’t stop. Tears started streaming down his face. “And the worst part is, I still love him! I should feel angry, and want nothing to do with him, but I don’t! I want to hold him, and kiss him, and reassure him that this won’t change my opinion of him. I want to love him like I pray he loves me!” He started sobbing by this point, and Janus quickly pulled him into a hug. They sat there for several minutes, his sobs being the only sound in the quiet room. When he was done, Janus silently offered the rest of his glass. Logan turned it down, opting instead to curl his knees up to his chest, rocking slowly back and forth.

Janus sighed, downing the rest of his scotch. “While I cannot speak for Virgil, I believe in what I told you the first time we met: Virgil has no intention of ever harming you. He deeply cares about the three of you, enough to be willing to share some of his most secretive parts of himself. He’s constantly talking about at least one of you. And he would do anything to make the three of you happy. There’s no object too valuable, no request too obscene. He would give you three the world if he could.” Janus sighed. “But he’s scared. Remus and I have been Virgil’s only family. We kept this a secret so that our relatives never found out. Up until now, Remus believed that all of his relatives were transphobic and homophobic assholes. And my family has never been known for their kindness.” His hand went to touch his makeup, where his scar lied underneath. “Virgil has kept us safe for so long, and he didn’t want to throw it away to a bunch of strangers. But soon it stopped being fear of you exposing us. Now it’s fear of you rejecting Virgil for keeping this a secret.”

Logan sighed, his legs slowly lowering to touch the ground. “I understand, but it’s still so…”

“Much?” Logan nodded. “Then I advise you to go home and think about it. Virgil is still planning on revealing himself to you in 3 days. Until then, use this time to let it fully sink in. Don’t tell Virgil that you know; he needs to tell you on his own.”

Before they could say anything else, there was a knock on the door. “We’re back!” Patton popped in with a large container of snickerdoodles. Talyn tagged along with a large pack of Uno cards. “Now let’s play!”

Janus smiled at Patton, moving to sit on the floor. He saw Logan do the same. Janus internally sighed. He hoped that the twins resolved their issues soon. For everyone’s sake.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Virgil sighed, taking in the sight. Remus sat still, his back facing Roman. Roman stood there, apparently unable to speak. Virgil decided to speak up. “Would it be easier if I explain the situation, so that way everyone’s on the same page?” Remus flinched but didn’t object. Roman nodded helplessly. “Alright. Here’s what I know: Remus realized that he was a guy in late Middle School/early High School. He started portraying himself in a more masculine way, such as attempting to join the football team and getting a more masculine haircut. Your parents are transphobic assholes, so they belittled Remus for acting similar to Roman. Roman’s desire to please your parents combined with his low self-esteem caused him to believe that acting like Roman was the issue, not acting masculine. On the night that Remus was going to come out to Roman, all of Roman’s insecurities boiled over and he snapped at Remus. Once he realized that he had gone too far, Roman decided to go away and cool off. But it was too late. Remus came out to your parents and they kicked him out. So, Remus ran away. Remus found me and Deceit and we formed The Dark Sides. Roman, not knowing that Remus had transitioned and believing that he was the reason that Remus left, started acting out against his parents. He broke up with his girlfriend, got together with Patton and Logan, and moved away as soon as he graduated. Any questions?”

They stood there in silence for several minutes. Virgil started to feel uncomfortable. Did it usually take this long to process information? Or maybe they were using that freaky twin thing where you can communicate without speaking?

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Roman said, his voice cracking slightly.

Remus’ eyes snapped up to meet Roman’s. “What?”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Roman asked again, anger lacing his words. “I was your brother! I wouldn’t reject you just because-”

“HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT?!” Remus screamed. “You blew up in my face because I was starting to look and act like you! How was I supposed to say, ‘yeah, I also wanna have the same gender as you too!’ You wanted nothing more than to believe those assholes that you called our parents! Can you honestly say that you wouldn’t have agreed with them, if only to be put back into their good graces?” Roman remained silent. “I thought so.” Remus spat out, standing up. “Look, I’m glad that you’re finally out from under their thumbs, I really am. But VeeVee and J are my family now. They have been for years. And I’m not gonna abandon them just because you want your perfect little sister back-”

“BUT I DON’T!” Now Roman was the one screaming. “I don’t want some facade of a perfect sister! I want ReeRee back! The one that helped me face my fears. The one that held me during thunderstorms and teased me when I did something stupid. I want the person who promised that they’ll always catch me. And if that person’s now my brother, then so be it.” He took a step forward. “You can use whatever name or pronouns you want, that doesn’t change who you are. And you’re my twin. My family. And I will burn this place to the ground before I lose you again.”

They were both sobbing now, and Roman opened his arms in silent invitation. Remus ran towards him, burying his head into Roman’s chest. They stood there for several minutes, the sounds of their sobs being the only sounds in the room. Once they both stopped crying, Virgil spoke up.

“I know a lot has just happened in the past 30 minutes.” They both jumped, probably forgetting that Virgil was there. “But I think it would be best if the two of you give each other some space. Go home, get some rest, and think about what this means moving on. Why don’t you guys exchange phone numbers so you can talk later?” They nodded. “Good. You both have quite a bit of information to process. You both can have a much more in-depth conversation once you’ve both calmed down.” He opened the door, leading both of them to Janus’ room. While this wasn’t the scenario that Virgil envisioned, it wasn’t the worst one either. Hopefully the twins could fully reconcile with one another. Goodness knows the two needed it.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Taglist: @bisexualdisaster106 @self-taught-mess @itawalrus @arodynamic-enby @sanderssides-angst

[jetsetlife138]

Smut Prompt Asks:  28. “I don’t want to hear your excuses anymore.”

56. “You have no idea how much I want you.” This one was two prompts in one ask, so it’s a little lengthier. Hope no one minds! I took an excerpt from one of my previous fics because I felt like it fit so well with this situation. So if it looks familiar, it is, haha. Warnings: Possessive Beetlejuice / Demonic Beetlejuice / Intimidating Beetlejuice (Don’t worry, he’s still a soft boi underneath it all). Cunnilingus, Vaginal Fingering, SHOWER SEX!  For @beetlewise-and-pennyjuice​

When you arrived home, you stumbled through the front door, already knowing that tonight was going to be stressful. It had been several weeks of constant badgering from your friends trying to convince you to go out with them in hopes of finding you a fling because you “desperately needed to get laid”. After weeks of declining, much to your horror, they had brought the party to you instead. They had hired strippers. Fucking male strippers to come to your work and grind against you until you had finally agreed to go out to the bars with them. It only took about five minutes of three dudes rubbing their barely concealed dicks against your body before you cracked and agreed to go, so long as they never pulled anything like that again. It was difficult to be upset with them. As far as they knew, you spent most of your time alone in your house. None of them knew about your roommate and how fond you two were of each other, and especially not the things that you did behind closed doors with your ghostly friend.  To say that you and Beeltejuice had a complicated history was an understatement. What started as a terrifying haunted house situation somehow turned into a friends with benefits sort of thing. The two of you weren’t anything official… you couldn’t be, considering he was… well, dead-- but that didn’t make Beetlejuice any less possessive (pun intended).  Your heart skipped a beat when you reached your room and turned on your light to see Beetlejuice casually laying on your bed, arms folded behind his head and clearly waiting for you to arrive home. “Hey, sweet cheeks. Miss me?” He greeted you with a wide smile, showing off his crooked teeth. “I’m not in the mood, Beej,” you commented tiredly, making your way to the bathroom. Teleporting across the room to instantly pop up next to you, he caught your wrist, spinning you around so that you lost your balance and fell into him. “Beetlejuice, I mean it. Stop.”  “Now, now,” he cooed as he placed a finger over your lips to shush you. “Cool it with the name-calling. Bad day?” “You have no idea,” you mumbled, trying to turn away from him before he wrapped his arms around you. The smooth fabric of his striped suit was sending pangs of pleasure over your skin, making you want to melt into him.  He dipped his head into the crook of your neck, inhaling deeply before pulling back just enough to give your cheek an affectionate lick with his tongue. Suddenly, his posture turned rigid and he straightened up, casting a judgmental stare down at you. “S’there something you want to tell me, babe?” he seethed, causing a shiver to run down your spine.  “No,” you answered a little too quickly. It wasn’t a lie, but you didn’t want to tell him about the strippers, and especially not the fact that you were going to meet up with your friends later that night, though you already knew that he could sense your unease.  To be fair, Beetlejuice never kept you away from your friends or family. In fact, he encouraged you to go out and live your life normally. However, that was a different story when it came to being in the company of the opposite sex. He had a keen sense of smell, and could clearly smell the scent of the strippers still lingering on your clothes. Oops. Not good.  Beetlejuice placed his lengthy index finger under your chin, lifting your face to meet his cold and calculated gaze. His eyes filled with warning and his hair changed into a deep shade of red to reflect his rage. “Don’t lie to me,” he demanded, his voice soft, raspy, and dangerous.  Knowing full well that you were never in any real danger with Beetlejuice, you ripped yourself from his grasp, meeting his angry glare with an irritated one of your own. “It’s really not any of your business what I do when I’m out of the house.” A low growl emitted from deep within his chest. It was easy to forget that he was powerful and you were constantly pushing your boundaries with him, which you suspected that he somewhat enjoyed, the sadistic bastard. “I just… It’s a couple of drinks with my friends at a bar. You know how persistent they’ve been about taking me out on a girl’s night.” “I get it. You want to fuck a breather. Can’t say I didn’t see that coming,” he stated nonchalantly. You narrowed your eyes at him, ready to snap at his insensitivity, but you noticed a smirk teasing on his lips.  You raised your middle finger at him to which he giggled in return, sending chills up your spine. Though his wicked disposition had changed a bit from when you first met him, he still had an edge about him that frightened you, which only spurred your sexual desire.  Slipping past him, you didn’t say another word as you gathered your things to get ready before you went out. You desperately wanted to get out of the clothes that still had oil on them from being grinded on by the dancers.  Beetlejuice grabbed your wrist once more to prevent you from walking away. “You’re not going,” he snarled.  “Excuse me?” you questioned, turning to face him with a challenging glare.  He took a step closer towards you, his eyes now blazing in the dim light of your room. “What game are you playin’ here, babe?”  “I’m not playing games with you, Beetlejuice.” His lip curled in disapproval at the way you spat out his name as an unspoken threat. “I’m living my life, just like I always have - just like you wanted me to. Why is that suddenly a problem?” That caught him off guard. His mouth opened and shut a few times trying to find his wording, which was never really an issue for the smooth-talking demon, but he was coming up short. You gave him a slight shove, which was probably really stupid on your part, but you couldn’t stop yourself. He stumbled back a few steps but kept his expression steady. You didn’t miss the way his fingers flexed and he crooked his neck as if he were preparing for an attack. Again, not that he would ever actually cause you harm, but he was, after all, part demon, part ghost.  Your body started to tremble with misplaced rage as you further lashed out at him. “I don’t even know why you’re so upset. Did you seriously think that I was gonna fuck some random dude tonight? You don’t think that I have a little more self control than that? They’ve been at this for weeks, and I’ve turned them down every time. It’s just one night out with my friends. I have no interest in sleeping with anyone else. What more do you want from me?” “I don’t want to hear your excuses anymore,” he seethed, stepping closer to you. Your heart was thumping rapidly against your chest as you tried to calm yourself, somehow getting turned on by his demeanor. Instead of backing down, you took a deep breath and forced yourself to step closer to him, showing him that you had no intention of catering to his threats. “Are you really that insecure, BJ?” He took two long strides towards you, now towering over your small form, his eyes revealing a craving that you recognized. “Let me show you how insecure I am,” he purred, his voice laced with a delicious malevolence. “It seems like you need to be reminded of who you belong to.” The sound of his voice sent chills down your spine as he eyed you hungrily like a lion stalking his prey. You opened your mouth to speak for but fell short as his hand lifted to your face. “So beautiful,” he cooed as his hand trailed lower over your neck and collarbone. “I don’t often surround myself with beautiful things, but you’re the exception.” “Am I supposed to be flattered?” you deflected, unable to stop yourself.  He chuckled darkly, hands dipping under your shirt to hook underneath the fabric before ripping it harshly towards him. You stumbled forward a couple of steps due to the force of his actions as your shirt ripped opened effortlessly, revealing your bra. Looking down to inspect the damage, you scoffed at his handiwork. “You could have just asked,” you huffed. “You owe me a new shirt.” His nose wrinkled in disdain as he took another whiff of your scent, clearly unhappy with the current smell of other men all over you. Without warning he then gripped you around the waist and hoisted you over his shoulder, carrying you towards the bathroom. “Hey!” you squeaked, not expecting to be so forcefully handled. “What the hell! Beetlejuice, stop!” He carried you into the bathroom before releasing you slowly so that you slid down from his shoulders and landed harshly on the top of the toilet seat with a thud. He continued to look at you expectantly, as if you should know what it was he wanted. Of course, you did, but you weren’t going to make it easy for him.  You crossed your arms defiantly before addressing him. “Dramatic much? You smell another guy and that means I have to be forced to shower for your benefit? You’re being ridiculous.” He sneered at you, taking a moment to contemplate his words, a malevolent grin spreading slowly across his face. “So your friends are worried you’re not getting fucked enough, huh?” You swallowed thickly, noticing how his eyes blazed as he viciously pulled you up from your sitting position and started to savagely pull off the rest of your clothing. Instead of fighting him, you remained still and let him have his way with you, realizing that you were somewhat excited by his actions. Once you were bare, he reached into the shower to turn the water on. He then turned around to stare at you with determination before he demanded, “Get in.” You couldn’t help but grin at his actions. He was being annoyingly possessive, but it was almost… cute. Complying with his request without a fuss, you stepped into the shower slowly before spinning around quickly and grabbing him by his striped jacket, pulling him into the shower with you. He stumbled forward, surprised by the unexpected action, but said nothing as he steadied himself, a smug expression on his face as he stared down at you. You couldn’t help but gawk at him as the steam surrounded his form; his once messy ombre red hair was now a purplish color, tamed by the water as it dripped down his head. You reached forward to rub your thumb against his cheek over the colored markings that adorned his face, but furrowed your brows when you realized that the coloration was simply part of his skin, embedded beneath the surface. “That is still so weird,” you breathed, which caused him to laugh softly. “I’m still going tonight, you know,” you commented, earning a glare in response. A growl tore from his throat as he surged forward, kissing you hungrily. You would have been knocked backwards if it weren’t for his strong grip on your hips, drawing you closer. His tongue delved into your mouth, his sweet flavor gliding over your taste buds. Your hands crept up into his hair as you pulled dully, earning a low moan from him in return. “You have no idea how much I want you,” he murmured against your lips. “If I weren’t already dead, you’d be the death of me.”  “Show me,” you demanded, nipping at his lower lip.  Suddenly, you were pushed back until you fell against the tile of the shower, unprepared for the chill that went through you. His eyes never left yours as he licked and nibbled down your body, stopping only when he was on his knees, his mouth salivating directly over your sex. Biting your lip in anticipation, you watched his tongue stretch from his mouth as he licked a teasing strip through your folds. A whine escaped your throat as you spread your legs for him, indicating that you were ready for whatever it was he wanted to do to you. His fingers dug into your thighs as he surged forward, plunging into you, lapping at you greedily. “Mmph,” you keened, fighting the urge to roll against him.  Your breath hitched in your throat as you felt one of his hands slide towards your heat. An eager groan escaped youl, causing Beetlejuice to chuckle as he slipped one of his digits into your core, sliding in with ease and precision. You threw your head back against the tile, the chill of the porcelain long forgotten as he pumped in and out of you, not waiting long to add a second finger to stretch you. “Please,” you begged, knowing how much he loved that. “Stop teasing, Beej. I need you.” He slowly withdrew his fingers and gave you a few more teasing laps of his tongue before standing up twisting you around roughly so that your back was pressed against his front. It was then you noticed that he had instantly removed his clothes so that you were now touching his bare flesh.  Placing a hand on your back, he pushed lightly, guiding you forward so that you were leaning down, setting your hands on the bottom ledge of the shower, which was just high enough to make it not so uncomfortable in that position.  You shivered as you felt his nails rake your back lightly, not enough to break the skin, but enough to let you know that he was in charge.  You couldn’t stop the moan that you released as you felt his thick head teasingly rub against your entrance.

As an attempt to speed things along, you tried to push yourself onto him, which made him hold your hips more tightly as he laughed darkly at your desperate state. Groaning with impatience, you snapped, “Don’t be a fucking tease!” and without further hesitation, he impaled you mercilessly, practically knocking the breath out of you. Your body was in a euphoric bliss. His length was thick and textured in a way that hit every needy spot within you, causing a loud moan to erupt from your throat as soon as he was completely sheathed inside of you. While you were crying out in bliss, he didn’t waste any time picking up the pace, pounding into you with fervor. He then grabbed your left arm to pull you up from your leaning position as he continued to fuck you at a relentless rate, earning more wanton cries and moans from you. Forcing you back even more so that your face was next to his, his arm continued to hold you still, his grip becoming almost painful as his other clawed hand reached across your neck to choke you slightly. At this angle, you could hear every short, hurried breath that escaped his lips as his needy motions continued, taking you fiercely from behind. “Is this what you needed?” he panted into your ear, causing an eager tremor in your cervix. “Do you think any one of those pathetic breathers at that dive bar could fuck you like this?” “N-no--” “I am the only one who gets to fill your tight little cunt with my cock. Do you understand? The only one who gets to see you fucked out of your mind like this is me, babe. Only me.”  You should have been upset with the way he was treating you, but you felt the complete opposite. You enjoyed it, and seeing as how he could so easily feel the way your body was responding to his words, he was definitely aware of that. If he hadn’t been supporting your weight entirely, you would have fallen. You felt yourself become boneless and weak against his thrusts, concentrating only on the euphoria coursing through your body. A couple of hard thrusts right into your sweet spot had you starting to come undone against him. You could also feel that he was getting close because his movements became more erratic and his body began to shake against you. “Fuck, Beej… I’m so close.”  “Yeah?” he murmured against you. “You’ve been a bad girl. Maybe I shouldn’t let you finish. What do you think, doll?” “If you won’t, I’m sure there will be a willing participant at the bar,” you teased, knowing how angry that would make him.  He snarled, biting into your shoulder hard enough to draw blood while one of his hands found its way to your bundle of nerves, rubbing against you with vigor.  Hooking one of your arms behind you and around his neck for support, you moaned lewdly, knowing that you were close to your breaking point.  Moments later, you came undone against him, wave after wave of intensity coursing through your body. As you wracked and writhed against him, he lost himself shortly after, chilled spurts filling your core as he emptied himself inside of you. When he was finished, he released his iron grip on you and allowed you to pull off of him before you fell back onto his chest. He held you against him as you both sank to the ground, too weak to continue standing. The only sound surrounding you was the running water along with the both of you panting for breath. It was comforting to feel his chest rise and fall deeply against your back. “You know I never would have actually slept with another guy, right?” He laughed, the rumbling of his chest vibrating against your back comfortingly. “Babe, I was never worried.” A part of you wanted to slap him, but instead you settled for turning around to kiss him deeply, feeling more happy and content than you could ever possibly feel with anyone else.

[themangledsans0508]

Grasping at Control

Allie can suck my wee if she’s reading this you bitch.

TW: Self-Harm

Tweek Tweak considered himself the most fucked-up person in the entirety of South Park, which was quite an achievement considering he went to school with actual sociopaths, murderers, and drug dealers.

Yet here he was, a cocktail of addiction, anxiety, ADHD, and depression. He felt pretty alone, despite all the years he had to make friends and come to terms with himself. One of two kids out as gay, and very few adults in their town understanding, much less out themselves; he had no one to talk to. 

Just thinking about it made him want to curl up into a ball and suffocate.

And he tried.

He wrapped himself up in blankets and cried.

He cried for what felt like ages before he got sick of feeling miserable from the stale air that had just enough oxygen in it to keep him alive. 

He crawled out and sat, shaking violently. Why did he want this to happen? Why didn’t he want to be alive?

Mr Mackey had lectured them many, many times on what to do if you or someone you knew felt like they wanted to kill themselves, and Tweek wouldn’t hesitate to act if someone else felt the same way he did.

So why didn’t he care about himself?

He thought back to fourth grade when Kim Jong Un marked him as a possible target if war were to break out and Craig brought him to an amusement park.

“Well, I’m sorry that I’m actually in control of my goddamn emotions, you baby!”

That exchange had only been a minute long, but Tweek had never forgotten it. Craig was right, he wasn’t in control of his emotions. For fuck’s sake, he wasn’t even in control of his movements.

He wasn’t in control of anything. He snapped back to the present from the pain of his hair being torn out by himself, and he tried to stop himself.

His movements were involuntary, even when putting his force against them he couldn’t stop himself.

He screamed in frustration. He didn’t care if anyone heard him, because he knew from experience that nobody would do anything even if he was being murdered. His own parents didn’t care for him. The only reason his dad kept him was because having a kid helped his coffee shop.  As he got older, his dad also got free labour out of him as the form of “chores.”

His hands flew from his hair to his arms, tearing up his skin to the point he bled. He looked down to see the mess and rushed to the bathroom to prevent his room from turning into a crime scene.

He stared at himself in the mirror. Small patches of hair missing from his scalp, large bags under his eyes that served to highlight the tears running down his face. There were scratches down his cheeks from his nails dragging down his face and when he raised his hand to feel them, his arms showed a nightmare of red lines intersecting so much that they looked like a terrible map. 

He reached for the bandages under the counter and felt a flash of pain from a tear dropping onto an open wound on his arm. He bit back a yelp of pain and a horrible idea came to him. He reached for a razor in the cabinet.

Maybe there was something he could control.

~

Craig Tucker liked to call himself a “good boyfriend.”

Sure, he wasn’t perfect, nobody was. He still had spats with his lover just as everyone else did. However, as they aged and matured, those spats stopped being physical very quickly as they aged and by eleven they were purely verbal. 

They didn’t have them frequently either, and they didn’t last very long. 

So, as a good boyfriend would be, he was concerned when Tweek didn’t come to school. He tried texting him, then calling him to no avail. He didn’t like that, Tweek would usually tell him if he was sick, or pick up the phone when Craig called. 

“Craig, dude,” Token said, “maybe he’s asleep or something.” 

“He doesn’t sleep Token. He breathes coffee,” Craig sighed.

“Okay, maybe he left his phone somewhere,” Clyde offered. Craig nodded.

“Probably.” Craig could hear the static noise of his friends talking about girls, football, or other things he would usually be amused by.

Concerned was not something that people would normally think Craig Tucker was capable of being. Once upon a time, they were probably right. Tweek taught him how to comprehend emotions instead of pretending they didn’t exist, even if he still preferred not to express them.

Tweek brought out the best in him. Craig helped him find his center. They balanced each other out pretty well. 

Craig would be lying, however, if he said he didn’t keep secrets from Tweek. His secrets weren’t anything terrible like he murdered someone or he was cheating on Tweek, but that he had anxiety himself.

He never told Tweek because he decided early on he could deal with it himself. He was constantly worried that something would happen to Tweek or any of his other friends. With the town that they lived in and the fact that he had actually been kidnapped and dragged to Peru once, he felt those fears were justified.  

While he would never claim his anxiety was as bad or even worse than Tweek’s, it had given him his fair share of sleepless nights and long days.

Situations like this had happened a few times before and never failed to set off his anxiety.

Perhaps his friends were onto his lies, or maybe they could simply tell that this was bothering him more than he would let on, but they gave him some space.

He appreciated that.

~

Tweek sat on his bed, staring at his arm. His room was littered with lego bricks, empty coffee cups, and bandage wrappers.

While he was in general rather prone to accidentally hurting himself,  the sheer amount of fresh wounds dancing down his arms exposed what actually occurred.

He couldn’t risk anyone finding out about it, especially Craig. 

He loved Craig too much for him to have the burden of this on his shoulders. He couldn’t imagine what he would say when he found out.

If he found out.

Tweek had no intention of telling him, and he wouldn’t let him see either. 

But he couldn’t skip school forever. 

He sighed in frustration. He didn’t know what he was feeling. Anger, sadness, frustration, regret, or maybe a mix of it all.

He felt lost

~

Craig inserted his copy of Tweek’s house key into the lock.

They both had a key to each other’s house, and they had for a long time. Since they began dating to be exact. They respected each other’s privacy though, and if Tweek told him to leave, he would. 

He opened the door and poked his head in. The house was dark, which didn’t really surprise him since both the matriarch and the patriarch of the family were working in the coffee shop.

“Tweek? Are you in here?” he called

The house was still, yet Craig went in anyways. He shut the door behind him and flicked on the light. There was no one downstairs, so he swiftly moved to the second floor and approached Tweek’s room. He knocked on the door gently.

“Tweek?” Craig listened for a response. He heard nothing but quiet breathing on the other side. “Tweek, is it alright if I come in?”

The boy on the other side remained silent.

“Tweek?” 

“Go away, Craig.” His voice was sad and quiet, and the promise Craig had made got lost in the wind.

“What’s wrong Tweek?” Craig couldn’t stop the worry from flowing out in his voice, even though he tried.

“I’m sick Craig. Just go away. I don’t want to see you right now.” Tweek’s voice shook as he spoke, along with small jitters and whimpers. Craig could sense something was wrong and turned the doorknob.

He gently pushed against the door and to his surprise, it didn’t open. There was a weight against the door. It wasn’t heavy, well he wasn’t heavy. Craig knew exactly who was against the door. Tweek was never heavy, not even when they were little. He had gotten scrawnier and scrawnier as they aged since sometimes his anxiety made him just not be hungry, or even scared to eat. He would also forget, or be full from drinking so much coffee even though he drank far less than he used to. 

Craig stopped pushing and heard the door quickly snap back into its place with a click. He wasn’t going to force the door open and possibly hurt Tweek, he wouldn’t risk that.

“Craig, please. Just-” he heard his voice break, “Please.” His voice broke, along with Craig’s last straw. 

He silently went back down the stairs and out the house, turning to look up at Tweek’s window. The shades were drawn and the room behind them was dark. 

Craig turned to look at the twin pines that grew next to the house. They had been there for longer than either boy had been alive, and had grown past the height of the window.

He walked over to the lush green plant and grabbed a hold of it’s lower branches, hoisting himself up. He repeated the movement multiple times until he was at the tip of the tree. The entire tip shuddered with his every breath and threatened to snap with his every movement. 

The tree leaned over slightly, allowing Craig to reach over and tap the window. It flew open and Tweek pulled open that shade.

“Craig! What the hell are you doing?”

“Hanging out. Can I come in?”

Tweek cursed under his breath and reached his hands out. Craig accepted them and jumped into the window, cutting his legs on the branches of the tree. He tumbled through the window, landing on top of Tweek with an “oof.” He felt the stinging in his leg and light wetness and realised trying to climb into a window from a pine tree was a terrible idea.

“Tweek-”

“Craig, what the fuck?” Tweek panted. “Why did you fucking do that?”

Craig looked at the blonde boy underneath him. He was skin and bones, the bags under his eyes were huge. His face was tear-stained and scratched. 

“Tweek, I know something’s wrong.” Craig pushed himself off Tweek and offered to help him up. Tweek simply stared at him, mouth slightly agape.

“You’re an idiot, Craig. Why don’t you ever just listen to me?”

Tweek let out a quiet sob and looked up at Craig. 

“Craig, I’m a mess. What the hell do you want from me?” Craig lowered himself down to the floor and put a hand on his shoulder.

“Tweek, I want to know what’s wrong. We have to work together through these things, remember? Beat them together, expectations, resentment, all of it.” Tweek pushed Craig’s hand off him and jumped up.

“You want to know what’s wrong? What’s wrong is the fact that no matter what I do, I have no control over my life! Something that only I should control! Me and me alone! Everyone else controls it! I never became a knight or a queen, I’m still just a pawn in someone else’s fucking game! And guess what, pawns are expendable! I’m expendable. I’m not needed. That’s what’s wrong! I’m only a fucking tool for the entire world to use.” 

Tweek waved his hands, exasperated. His voice shuddered with every word he said, tears ran down his cheeks. He twitched and whimpered every few seconds. His hands tore across his body, flying from his arms to his shirt to his hair.

Craig stepped forward and embraced him. He pulled him tight against his body and felt him tense up and wince slightly. Tweek pushed against him slightly in a poor attempt to break free of his grip, before he simply caved in and buried his face into Craig’s shoulder. 

“I-I’m just replaceable Craig. My parents didn’t have to sell me into slavery because I’m already a slave to them. They control me, Craig.” 

“What can we do about that, Tweek? There has to be something.” Craig tangled one of his hands in Tweek’s hair and had the other one rub circles into his back. His voice was not sarcastic or mocking, but gentle and genuine.

“I don’t know Craig. I’ve tried so many things, so many things. Nothing works, Craig. Nothing.”

“Let’s try something else then. Something together. You don’t have to do this alone, Tweek.” Craig lowered them down to the floor, sitting with his legs crossed and Tweek in his lap. “We can run away together. Get our own house.”

“We can’t do that. Your sister needs you. She’s only thirteen.” 

“Fine. I’ll take you home with me then. You can live in my room.” Tweek shook his head.

“No, no. All these things put stress on you too. I want to deal with it myself,” he scolded. Craig sighed.

“I won’t let you do that. The whole point of a relationship is to deal with things together. If I can’t help you directly, then I want to be able to at least support you.”

“Where were you when I needed you? Why aren’t you ever here when I need you?” Tweek pushed himself out of Craig’s grip and stood up. “Why the fuck does everything go the shit when I’m not with you?” He shouted.

“What do you mean Tweek?” Craig slowly stood up and put his hands into his pockets.

“I mean why am I even more of a fucking mess without you?” Tweek’s hands flew up to his hair, causing his sleeves to slip down. 

Craig didn’t miss the small movement, he had become very perceptive since they had started dating. He noticed the red lines and scabs weaving down his arms. He reached his hand over to intertwine their fingers and grab his attention.

“Tweek, what happened to your arms?”

“Huh?” Tweek looked down to the subject of Craig’s curiosity. When he realised what it was he attempted to pull himself out of Craig’s grip. “It’s nothing! I just fell!” 

Craig’s grip strengthened just enough to keep a hold on Tweek but not enough to hurt him.

“Tweek, those weren’t from a fall.” Craig locked his own green eyes with Tweek’s blue ones. “Tell me the truth, Tweek. What are they from.” 

“What the fuck do you think they are from? You aren’t dumb,” he snapped. Craig lurched forward, wrapping his arms tightly around Tweek. He pressed his full weight into him. For the first time in perhaps ever, he had no control over himself.

They toppled backwards onto Tweek’s bed. Craig manoeuvred them so they weren’t at risk of falling off the bed and rested his head so his ear was directly above Tweek’s heart.

“Dude, what the hell?”

“What were you thinking?” Craig’s voice was different. It wasn’t monotone or bland, it was raw and emotional and occasionally breaking. “Why would you do that?”

“I was in control. I knew what I was doing. Nobody was in charge of me.”

“Yeah, well, you could have fucking died! Those could have gotten infected. They could have gone too deep and cut a vein! Is a brief relief really worth that risk?” Craig let out a quiet sob and gripped Tweek’s shirt.

Everything hit Tweek suddenly. He wiggled out from under Craig to lay beside him instead. He placed his hands on his cheeks and pressed their foreheads together.

“Hey, hey, I know it was stupid, okay? I’m not going to do it again.” Tweek whispered.

“You better not,” Craig muttered.

“And if I’m feeling like shit,” Tweek continued, “I’ll call you or text you to come over.”

“Or you can come over to my place,” Craig countered.

“Yeah, that’s true.”

Craig rolled Tweek over and pulled him against his body. He moved his arms from his shirt to his waist and pulled him down so he could rest his chin on his head.

“Well, I’m tired,” he yawned. “Text my mom and tell her I’m staying here tonight.”

“Why can’t you do it?” Tweek asked.

“Well, because I’m about to take a nap.”

“Wait, right now?”

“Yep.”

“Oh no you don’t,” Tweek said, “I have stuff I need to do.”

“Not anymore you don’t” Craig grumbled. “All you need to do is stay right here. I’m not moving until it’s time for school.”

“I fucking hate you.”

“Well, we’ll have a terrible marriage then.”

There's gonna be a part two the angst isn't over my dears

[alison-anonymous]

flawsome bandits pt. 11 ♡ sonic

Flawsome Tessering

Part 11, coming at you! This part doesn’t have too much Sonic x Y/n, but don’t worry my darlings, I am saving that for the next chapter ;) This one includes some mother-daughter relationships and tons of foreshadowing. Enjoy!

Warnings - slight angst, robotnik x stone mentions

♡♡♡

“Why so down, Sonic?” A man with a head as smooth as an eggshell asked his pet boulder as it sat next to him in his poorly repaired drone. The boulder had tiny little dents in its craters that were obviously created by Robotnik to form a dopey grin and two misshapen eye sockets. The man chortled to himself as he tapped the cracked glass where an electric blue quill sat, charging up his entire machine. “Aww, are you sad because I’m coming back home?”

Robotnik stared intently at the little boulder, watching as it practically began to sweat under his intense gaze. He finally sat back up and let out yet another loud chuckle, filling the silent air around him for miles. “Sorry to disappoint, bud, but you and your little girlfriend are going to be toast as soon as I wrap my hands around your puny little necks~” He sang out the last part, his time spent in isolation taking an immense toll on his sanity. His tethered and gloved hands expertly found their way across his very dented control panel, clicking on a bunch of buttons that ended up making the drone begin to whirr. The air surrounding him that reeked of fungus began to churn at the new winds. 

“Come on, baby,” Robotnik grumbled, pushing his prized invention to the limit as it began to levitate its misshapen and damaged body a couple feet off the ground. The engines worked in tandem with one another, struggling to compensate for the extreme damage that had been inflicted upon them. Even Robotnik’s expert repair jobs using the emergency kits Stone had made him place in every one of his drones wasn’t enough to make up for it all. 

He guessed Stone was right for once. Shocker.

The erratic energy being extracted from Sonic’s quill mingled with the artificial power he was able to save. As the drone began to sputter, he quickly grabbed onto the throttle in an attempt to steady the drone, even his hideously long mustache hairs twitching with anticipation. He had to do it. He had to make this work. He couldn’t stand another second trapped here with Mushroom Bertha, Mushroom Kick-Sonic’s-Ass, Mushroom Carl, and Mushroom I-Want-A-Hedgehog-Skin-Rug or IWAHS for short. After a couple of minutes spent in agonizing suspense, a little glimmer began to form in the air before him. A malicious grin made its way across his lips as he realized that his plan was working.

The energy coming from his drone was enough to cause a small rip in the universe, mostly due to Sonic’s alienated DNA and ability to tesser between universes. The tear grew a decent size wider, its edges glowing an abnormal white and a very faint image of what he presumed to be Green Hills glimmered within it. It was right there. He was going to make it! It was barely big enough for him to pass through, but it was all he needed. With a surge of energy and Robotnik practically gritting his teeth until they chipped, the drone shot through the portal in a flash of blinding light, crash landing onto a very mossy green ground. The impact made Robotnik slam his face against the throttle, but luckily his gigantic mustache hairs cushioned the blow. The drone slowly began to let off steam, already having used all of its juices to float for less than thirty minutes. A steady blow of steam began to shoot up into the air from one of the drones' important capsules, and Robotnik was quick to regain consciousness, standing up and practically falling back down into his seat from the excitement. He looked around the area, hoping taking over his entire internal chemistry as he looked at his surroundings. The hope died almost instantly as he came to a horrific conclusion.

This… this wasn’t Green Hills! 

What the actual fuck?!

There were oddly misshapen trees and abnormal creatures waddling around the perimeter and LOOP-DE-LOOPS?! The anger got the better of him as he picked up the boulder sitting next to him and screamed at the top of his lungs.

“God damnit, Sonic! This is all your fault!” And the tiny boulder was sent flying out of the drone to land against the grass, where it rolled down a hill.

It was safe from the evil man’s clutches at last.

Robotnik let out another frustrated groan and slammed his fists down onto the dash, causing even more smoke to secrete from vital components of the drone. But he didn’t care right now. He had been working on building up all of that power for months. To have it all lost getting him somewhere that wasn’t even where he needed to be - where those goddamn hedgehogs were! And now he was stuck in this crazy backwards land with nothing to defend himself with. At least back with the mushrooms the only predator was sleep deprivation.

And of course, that was self inflicted.

“Oh thank god.” A sudden voice broke through his frustrations. Robotnik’s head snapped up so quickly he was sure he heard his neck crack. He was expecting the worst: three headed bear, snake crossed with a lizard, horse sized horsefly, something deadly and positively hideous. So when he saw a little black and red hedgehog staring at him intently with ruby irises and what looked to be a gun and a little bag situated around his hips, he was very, VERY surprised.

“Well, who the fuck are you supposed to be?” Robotnik couldn’t help but blurt. The hedgehog looked incredibly relieved as he came closer to the drone, showing his gloved hands in a means of presenting no harm.

“My name is Shadow. I was created by your assistant, Agent Stone.” Robotnik’s heart stopped at the sound of his name. “He sent me through the different universes to find you. It’s taken forever, but I finally did it. I have more rings left to get us back to the planet where Hedgehog Sonic and Hedgehog Y/n reside.” 

Robotnik was floored, to say the least. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Agent Stone, the little guy who made delicious lattes and who knew him better than anyone else, MADE a hedgehog and sent him to help Robotnik defeat the two once and for all? 

He owed him a thank you. Or maybe more than that, if you catch my drift ;)

“W-Well then, I suppose it’s nice to have you on board, Mr. Shadow. Unfortunately, my drone was a bit destroyed during the movement here, so unless you have a giant bag of tools next to your gun there, I-”

“Don’t worry, Sir, I’ve got it handled,” Shadow interrupted him, turning around to point into a throng of bushy trees. “I met an Echidna along the way who might be of use to us. Perhaps we could brainwash him into assisting us.” 

Damn. Agent Stone really did a number on this guy. Robotnik liked it. 

♡♡♡

A few hours later and a lot of impressive manipulation, Shadow and Robotnik had recruited yet another member onto their team: Knuckles the Echidna. He was a very burly red thing with intimidating eyes and an unfortunate lack of brains. But, he had resources and his muscle could even out Robotnik’s brains and Shadow’s apparent fiery temper. They were able to convince him that Y/n and Sonic were two beings from a far away planet that were power hungry and had a plot to destroy the entire universe, including this planet. Of course, Knuckles was petrified and said that they must be stopped immediately. The guy was also pretty handy with supplying the needed instruments to fix up Robotnik’s drone. 

Of course, it wasn’t the best job, but it would have to do for now. After Robotnik had done his little patch job, the trio were beginning to prep for their return to earth.

“I assume that you are very excited to defeat the two hedgehogs, Doctor,” Shadow spoke with authority. “But I think it would be better to hide out in a secluded spot for a little while in order for us to build up our resources. We wouldn’t want to go straight into battle without being prepared.” 

Even though Robotnik was really looking forward to crushing Bonnie and Clyde, he had to admit that Shadow had a point. He nodded slowly. “We’ll hide out in the woods in order to gather resources and start the formation of Metal Sonic. Agreed? Agreed.” Even though he wasn’t looking for a confirmation, the two nodded despite. Everything was going according to plan. Robotnik had gathered two allies and had already begun his plan to form a metal-based version of Sonic. For two reasons, really. The first was to use Sonic’s greatest power and turn it into his weakness, and the second was to try and trick Y/n into not being able to fight the one that she loves. They were going to destroy the two hedgehogs once and for good, donating their bodies to Robotnik’s favorite charity: science.

But what these little twerps didn’t know was that a certain fox had been spying on the three of them ever since Robotnik had crash landed a couple feet away from his lab. It was finely secluded within the weeping willow trees, so he hadn’t been able to see it. But his security measures sure saw the mustache guy.

The little fox’s stomach began to fill with dread as he thought about all of this. These guys were obviously up to no good. Anyone who loved the color combo red and black was obviously up to no good. Especially someone who grew their mustache past five inches. 

On each side.

Those two hedgehogs they had been mentioning… What were their names? Bonnie and Clyde? Funny named for hedgehogs, but he guessed that their world was different than his. He began to rummage through the different gizmos and gadgets he had spent ages on until he finally gathered all of the materials he needed. His little gloved fingers found their way to his energy-tracker as he calibrated it to their energy sources. Funny, he thought. One of them was stronger than the other. 

He narrowed his eyes in determination, steadying himself as he thought of the realm they lived in and tossed one of his golden rings. The second the portal opened, he jumped through, landing on what appeared to be a cliff looking over a small town. Relief filled his orangish-yellow chest as he looked across. He hoped he knew what he was doing. 

Extending his two tails, he leapt off the cliff.

♡♡♡

“M-Mom?” Maddie stirred in her sleep. 

“Mommy?” 

The young mother’s eyes slowly opened to be greeted with the sight of her daughter who had tears streaming down her cheeks. The sight of her daughter in distress kicked all of the sleep out of her as she instantly shot up in bed and immediately started wiping away the tears. Most of them got brushed into the fur around her eyes, but she didn’t care.

“N/n, baby, what’s wrong?” She asked softly, trying her best not to wake up her husband who still lay sound asleep behind her. Y/n only continued to cry harder, her e/c eyes glowing in the dark.

“I-I’m sorry, Mommy. I-I didn’t w-want to see i-it, I-” Maddie gently shushed her, standing on her feet and expertly lifting up the frail hedgehog onto her hip, holding her like she was a toddler. 

“Y/n, honey, you’re not making any sense.” She glanced over at the clock and realized it was barely five in the morning. What on earth was she doing up this late? Y/n was in such hysterics that all she was able to do was plant her face into Maddie’s shoulder and continue to cry, her chest feeling like a million daggers were being dug into it. Maddie’s heart was ripping at the seams for her daughter, as the last time she had seen her this upset was when Sonic had died. She quickly and quietly took the weeping hedgehog out of her room, making sure not to make a sound as she closed the door to leave her sleeping husband alone, and continued through the darkened halls until they made it to the main bathroom. She closed the door behind them and set the hedgehog onto the counter, grabbing a wad of tissues and quickly dabbing her eyes while Y/n wrapped her arms around her trembling torso.

“I-I’m s-sorry-” She hiccuped, choking on the mucus being created from her tears. Maddie’s gaze softened.

“Sweetie, what on earth could you have to be sorry for?” To her surprise, Y/n’s eyes only filled with guilt and self-disgust as she looked down at the floor. 

“...what happened?” Maddie gently cupped her daughter’s furry face in her hands and stared into her liquid e/c eyes. The deeper she looked into them, the more she was able to picture Y/n before she had turned into a hedgehog, back when she was a human. The little hedgehog exhaled a shaky breath and wrung her hands together.

“I… I woke up to singing. And I followed it outside, and there was this… thing out there. It was calling to me, and when I touched it, this is going to sound insane, but it showed me pictures of the future. I-I saw Robotnik, and I saw me and Sonic with two other people and then… the last one… M-Mommy, it looked like someone was trying to k-kill me-” Maddie’s heart stopped in her chest, her eyes widening in horror. Fresh tears began to spill down Y/n’s cheeks even faster. “I-I don’t want to die!”

Maddie quickly enveloped her in a tight hug, pressing her daughter’s head into her chest and stroking her quills gently. “Shh, it’s okay, baby. You’re not going to die.”

“H-how do you k-know that? M-my powers are growing a-and I don’t know how to s-stop it, I don’t want to kn-know how we’re going to d-die, I-” 

Maddie hushed her, continuing to stroke her quills. They sat like this for quite some time, with Maddie consoling her hysterical daughter until her sobs finally died down and were replaced with melancholic sniffles. Maddie’s heart continued to pound, however, fear and confusion coursing through her veins. She was trying with all her might to wrap her brain around the matter, but she was the one who had had the worst time figuring out how Sonic and Y/n’s powers worked in tandem with one another. Even Tom relatively understood better than she could. She knew that Y/n had vocal telekinesis, but seeing the future? Little wisp-like creatures? It didn’t seem like those had ever been mentioned or used before. 

What was going on? Was her daughter truly in danger?

Her grip around her tightened. Y/n exhaled softly and it was then that Maddie realized she had fallen asleep. A small smile crossed her lips as she picked her daughter back up and began to make her way back into the living room. She could have just taken her to her bedroom, but in all honesty, she felt safer leaving her with Sonic than by herself. As she walked through the darkened hallways, she tried to silence the red alarms blaring endlessly throughout her mind. 

Something was wrong.

She could feel it. She didn’t even need magical powers to feel it. Her breath hitched in her throat as she made her way down the stairs, making sure not to trip as she entered the living room. Sonic still lay sound asleep on the couch, not having moved an inch since Y/n had woken up. Maddie gently set her daughter down on the couch, resting her head on Sonic’s chest and covering the two with a fleece blanket. Her fingers softly traced Y/n’s jawline as she slowly stood back up, a small, yet sad, smile staying on her lips.

“Don’t worry, sweetie,” she whispered into the silence. “I won’t let anything happen to you.”

♡ a.a.

[fan-clan-fun]

I have zero self control

Here I am back at it again with new fanclans!!

I literally spent three hours thinking about this as I helped a friend move to a new apartment, its nice to have something to think about while hauling boxes. 

Anyway! Thanks to the anon who mentioned medievalish clans, I wanted to give another go (kinda) to one of my older ideas for a medieval clan, but it’s kinda turned out different than I intended.

First I determined that I wanted to use a sort of hereditary monarchy sort of thing, although its a bit different, and I wanted these clans to be the ones to finally use my list of deities I came up with forever ago.

My thinking was definitely not linear, so I will attempt to pull a coherent train of thought out of the mess.

The Basics:

There are two clans, Dawnclan and Duskclan, named for where their territory is (Dawnclan to the east, Duskclan to the west) and the order of their formation (Dawn first and Dusk second).  Duskclan was formed after a dispute of leadership caused an almost half and half split in the clan and the disgruntled party left. 

The leadership of the clans is based on a specific concept, that was started back when the clan was first founded. The clans are led by a Monarch and their consort. The Monarch must be close blood (child, sibling, niece/nephew, cousin) to the previous Monarch and descended from the original line of the founding cats (Mother Misty). The Consort does not have to be their mate, nor do they have to love each other, but they serve as a team in guiding the clan. One of the pair is in charge of things outside of camp (hunting, patrolling, etc), while the other is in charge of things inside camp (maintenance, keeping kits occupied and educated, ensuring everyone has the supplies they need, etc). It does not matter which of the pair does this, either monarch or consort may choose either job, but they may not each do the same one. The only other requirement, is that the monarch must provide heirs, either through their body, or if that is not possible through other means of close family. 

Part of the differences between Dawnclan and Duskclan, is that they see who is eligible for this duo differently. Dawnclan could care less if its a cis male/female pairing, or any other under the sun, such as a lesbian or gay or nontraditional pair, so long as they can find a way to have heirs. But Duskclan insists it must be a male/female (can be trans) partnership, as they see it as an issue of balance, as well as the consort must be clan born and bred. This is due to the fact that what broke the original clan in two was that the female monarch took an infertile (spayed) female consort and had no intention of producing kits, expecting their sibling to provide. The soon to be leader of Duskclan took issue with this, and left. 

Dawnclan says that the reason for the split was because the leader of Duskclan was a sore loser, which to some degree he was. Because the way it is decided which of the Monarch’s relatives (with preference towards children, siblings, and nieces/nephews) will become the next monarch, is that those who wish to become monarch must submit to a challenge. Either the potential Heir or their consort (whichever plans to be in charge of outside the camp), will engage in a duel (or tournament if there are enough challengers) to determine the rightful heir. The duels are until first visible blood, a sign that the cat is willing to shed blood for their clan if necessary, and forming a pact in blood between the challengers even if they have lost. So when the leader of Duskclan lost to his sister, he refused to live under her rule, gathered supporters who agreed with him, and left.

Clan Ranks/Culture:

So as I mentioned before, I do want to use the deities I had made before, and as a result, Im fiddling a little with ranks. 

Instead of just Medicine cats, there are two ranks:

Healer: These are your traditional medicine cats, but with the added duties of memorizing clan trees and bloodlines and the basic history of the clans, such as the great events and when they occurred, the wars, etc.

Clerics: These are the cats who take charge of religious teachings, of signs a prophecies, and most religious ceremonies. They are the ones who bestow favor on a new monarch, they are the ones who tell the moral stories of heroes and villains, they are the counselors and support for the cats in their clan. 

Sometimes the duties of both Clerics and Healers intercept, and they have at times been at odds, but they usually resolve their differences. 

There are always at least 2 of each at all times, but its not uncommon for each clan to have 3-4 Healers or Clerics. They cant risk the knowledge being lost, so they take the necessary precautions.

There is also a special rank, known as the Knights.

These are generally 3-4 cats who are known to be the absolute best at what they do. They are considered the Monarch and Consort’s Honor Guard, their personal envoys, their paws, their ears, their voices, etc. Usually each Knight has a distinct set of skills, though they are still well rounded, but their is generally the best fighter, and the other three might be the best tracker, or the most stealthy, or the best hunter, or the most eloquent and diplomatic, etc. Knights often are considered to be very desirable as mates (male or female since knights can be either), and its not uncommon for them to be chosen as consorts by potential heirs (In fact in Duskclan most consorts were Knights at one point). Knights do rotate out over time (or don’t make it to retirement due to being in a position of danger more than anyone else) based on the Monarch’s needs and desires, but they keep the title Champion even after they are no longer a Knight, in honor of their service.

How the clans were originally founded:

So this was just a thought I had, that the clans came originally from a clowder, who’s leader, Misty, accepted and allowed her mate to stay. Most clowders often either have one lead male who will chase away or kill kits or other cats he doesnt like, but Dusty was different. He was still fiercely protective of his mate and kits, but he wasn’t aggressive. Other females felt safe around him. And when his Misty’s kits were born and being raised, her daughter Rain convinced her to give other toms a chance too. So before even a clan was established, before names were being changed, the idea of mentoring and apprenticeships was there. Dusty or some of the other females would mentor kits, and if a male could make it through apprenticeship without showing dangerous aggressive tendencies he was allowed to stay. So soon the clowder had not just one male, but several, and it started to grow.

When Misty finally retired, Rain took over, and she chose her own consort to help lead with her, named Beetle. Then they gathered their group together and named themselves officially as a clan (not Dawnclan, that would come later). Together they decided on rules and regulations (the original code), so that they could begin to interact with outsiders and potentially allow them in. It was a much smaller code than canon, and its main tenants included not harming kits, not being aggressive towards one another unless in defense, and that everything in the clan was shared and that the weakest and most vulnerable should get first choice. Over time it evolved to include more, but that was the very start.

Religion came with the next generation, at Misty’s death, when the old stories of the gods took on a new light. Mothers began teaching their kits about Misty as an incarnation of Mehr, the primal mother deity, the one which most cats had heard of and acknowledged. The other god which was taught was the deity of chaos and death, which was a natural counterpoint to Mehr as the deity of birth and life. The other deities evolved over time as new roles and ranks became important. Some took on more real life energy as certain cats were considered incarnations of them, like Misty had been.

Funnily enough, Dawnclan considers the founder of Duskclan to be the incarnation of Hissao, the betrayer. 

As for medicine.... well Im not sure, this is as far as I got thinking wise, and I just needed to write it down before I forgot so... yeah. If people like this I might write more about it, Im liking what I have so far, and I never could tell myself to stop. 

[chubbyooo]

Blurred Lines: Cursed Past Chapter 71: Risha

hey all we made it all the way here it took 71 chapters but we’re here :D

Gacen and Ash follow the ranger hoping to find someone long missed

Gacen felt tremors through his hand as he piloted the ship into the nebulous space, Ash was confident this was it this was where Risha was all the searching leading here to this moment. Did he even know if he wanted to see her? what if she didn’t want to see him? he felt a tightness in his throat as he gripped the controls tight he thought he’d put these worries to bed. He thought he’d come to a good conclusion that it was better to find out than worry like this but now that it was happening he wasn’t so sure. Had he made a mistake? Should they just have stayed doing small time jobs what if he messed this all up again he couldn’t let her down twice not again what would he do, this was a mistake it had to be it was just a…

He heard a voice shouting at him and he snapped back to reality “hey hey Gacen snap out of it it’s gonna be fine” he exhaled coming out of the panic to see Ash staring at him

He turned to Ash “sorry I uh I got inside my own head, what were you saying?” Ash looked at him concerned but didn’t press him

Ash pointed to the console “look the tracker has stopped that’s where we need to go” Gacen nodded adjusting his course to head towards the planet “I’m turning shields to the front just in case” Gacen nodded it was a given Risha would be paranoid it’s just how paranoid

Gacen plotted a course “alright here we come Gabredor prime” he smiled deciding to just ignore and push through the nervousness until it was done

Ash narrowed her eyes “prime is so pretentious it’s just Gabredor I” Gacen chuckled pretentiousness was best 

Gacen snickered “well when your wife discovers a secret planet you can call it what you want” Ash’s eyebrows raised “potentially”

Ash folded her arms “I mean your wife would certainly go for the pretentious option” Gacen did a comically over the top gasp

Gacen joked “how dare you we may be upper class pompous criminals but we’re anything but pretentious we were like the fashionable criminals” Ash just scoffed at him hiding a smile

Soon the gas of the nebula began to dissipate and a green jungle planet came into view, Ash used the console to do a quick scan “wow that’s fascinating it’s atmosphere has a layer of chemicals that convert all this noxious gas into harmless oxygen” Gacen had no idea what she was talking about

Gacen nodded “oh yes of course that old thing” Ash turned to him his lie clearly not convincing

Ash sighed dumbing down her explanation “the planet makes the gas breathable like a shield deflecting bolts of energy” Gacen’s eyes widened as he thought about it “you got it now?” 

Gacen held his chin “totally lost” Ash just sighed and turned the scanner off, Gacen tried his best to stealthily land the ship. As they entered the atmosphere they saw the thick canopy covering most of the planet and Gacen landed in the first clearing he could find, Ash scanned for life signs.

“Ok so there is a ton of life on this planet but only two sentient life signs” Ash smiled as she spoke clearly pleased their detective work had paid off

Gacen swallowed hard “so you think they’re?” he trailed off

Ash frowned “of course I think it’s them Gacen it doesn’t take a genius to work that out dummy” Gacen nodded grabbing the sides of his chair hard

Gacen took a deep breath “it’s gonna be fine it’s gonna…” Ash got up and waited for him to follow

Ash raised her eyebrow “buddy it’s too late to go back now either you follow me or I’m carrying you over there and you know I can” Gacen let out a slight chuckle conceding and getting up

He gritted his teeth and exhaled “alright we can do this I’m ready” Ash nodded and made her way to out the ship, they got to the bottom of the ramp and Gacen felt a sharp nervous feeling and leaned up against the landing ramp “I can’t do this” he gripped his stomach tight and slid down to the floor as his breathing became heavier and his thoughts became overwhelming.

Ash turned around and sighed sitting down next to him “so uh what now we wait here?” Gacen felt tears well up in his eyes but he kept them at bay 

Gacen gritted his teeth “I’m sorry I know I just need a minute just a… just…” he tried to finish the sentence but his breathing was too rapid

Ash took his hand “well I’ll be right here I promise” Gacen nodded trying his best to find his composure

He took a deep breath “alright I’m as good as I’m going to be you need to push me to do this” Ash nodded lifting him up by his hand

She led him away from the ship and into the jungle and after about 5 minutes he was walking on his own again “I’m uh sorry about that it’s just…” Ash interrupted before he could finish

 Ash smiled “it’s fine you don’t need to explain to me” Gacen smiled before he pulled Ash into a surprise hug “woah woah what the heck is this, why?” she struggled awkwardly clearly not a hugger

Gacen took a deep breath “just a thanks, thanks for being here whenever I was having trouble you never left you always were here for me you’re the best friend a person could ask for” he couldn’t see Ash’s face but he could tell she was smiling

She stopped struggling “well uh I just wanted to help you know” Gacen nodded releasing her from the hug

Gacen smiled “now let’s stop being so sappy by the force I feel like a fucking jedi” Ash smiled as they continued to walk

“Yeah I mean jeez what dweebs” they laughed and continued forward. 

They followed the life signatures for about an hour before they came upon a reservoir with a rather well constructed wooden bridge on it. Gacen frowned “well that is certainly is the first man made thing we’ve seen” he paused “or maybe droid made” Ash nodded gesturing to proceed with caution

They made their way forward up to the start of the bridge but as they did something jumped out of the trees, suddenly they saw the familiar form of the ranger roll in front of them. Now in view Gacne could see what seemed to be a modified protocol droid with rather advanced modifications at that, they spoke in a robotic but still gruff voice “Identify yerself now” they held an impressive blaster pistol, Gacen thought better of starting a fight and put his hands up

Gacen responded “hello um we mean no harm this is Ash’shen’tor an…” the ranger interrupted them

They shook their head “not to me idiot to him” he gestured to a hooded figure who walked out of the bushes, Gacen frowned, the head was rather large that didn’t seem normal.

The figure began to speak “leave this place traveler ther…” Gacen interrupted him come on that wasn’t even subtle

Gacen chuckled “Guss? Is that you” the figure stammered confused before removing the hood to reveal the mon cal Guss Tuno

Guss blinked quickly “Gacen? Gacen is that you? I uh I couldn’t see you under the hood” he quickly ran to him and pulled him into a tight hug “oh Gacen I’ve missed you so much have you missed me???”

Gacen chuckled always the cheerful one “uh yeah sure” the ranger looked between them confused

The rangers tone changed completely to a more common protocol droid voice “master Tuno I’m confused should I stop the facade

Guss looked to him “oh yes Mask you can stop this is my old captain Gacen Zandar” Gacen did his best to wave while still tightly in Guss’ grip

Mask nodded “ah I see the one married to Mistress Drayen? My name is M4-SK I was an actor until Mistress Drayen recruited me for the ultimate role” Gacen nodded an actor droid what next

Gacen focussed turning to Guss “wait Drayen? Is Risha here?” Guss seemed to come out a daze

He let Gacen go finally “oh yes of course she’ll be thrilled to see you surely, she’s just over the bridge in our base” Gacen couldn’t help but smile but that smile was accompanied by a nervous pit in his stomach

Ash pushed him forward “let’s so see her then” Gacen appreciated the push he would just have stopped without the push

Guss folded his arms “I’m Guss, Gacen’s Best Friend, who may you be?” he shook Ash’s hand very vigorously

Ash looked at him confused “Ash, we’ve actually met before I’m the former leader of havoc squad” Guss’ eyes widened as he realised

He nodded “my apologies it’s been a long time since I’ve seen others, anyway why were you traveling with my Best Friend Gacen” Ash didn’t seem to appreciate the third degree Gacen should save her from Guss’ best friend jealousy

Gacen spoke up “well Guss you should probably notify Risha of our arrival right???” Guss gasped and then immediately fumbled for a comlink

Guss held it to his ear? Gacen assumed that’s what it was “hello boss? Yes I know sorry I got a little caught up we have some guests” paranoia was definitely present on that call “Yes I know you said no guests but you’ll like these guests. No I promise you will, I know I know what you said but I followed all your protocols it’s no one bad I promise, ok ok fine” Guss looked to each of them a little flustered “there’s like a 70% chance she may have a gun when you arrive” Gacen couldn’t help but laugh 

Gacen joked “well it wouldn’t be the first time she’d shot me” Guss laughed awkwardly clearly remembering the occasion

They began walking towards whatever base they had setup, Guss was his chatty self as always “so how did you get here we were so careful” Gacen smiled he’d missed Guss’ constant questions

Gacen explained “well those Dubrillion thugs were like ‘help us we’re a bunch of jags’ and we were like ‘you can shove it dickweed’ but they did give us a lead on a bounty hunter who knew your last location. From there it was actually because of you due to a few little clues around the far more memorable mon cal former jedi than human woman and that led me to more and more clues and eventually we ended up here” Guss nodded listening intently 

Guss looked away “can you uh leave the part out about me being the clues to Risha” Gacen chuckled Guss always wanted to please people

Gacen nodded “sure thing bud but the big question is what the heck is all this about” Guss held his chin clearly trying to put it all together

Guss took a deep breath “well I know some of it, uh after we gave up looking for you, sorry but we really looked everywhere I promise” Gacen nodded that was fine they were pretty well hidden “well Risha wanted to take a crack at Dubrillion and they just kept sending assassins and trying to impede our progress, that Actavarus would destroy cities just to stop us.” Gacen hated that bald cockmuncher “so Risha said we needed to be more subtle and work from the shadows, so uh we found this place near Dubrillion and built a base using droids and Mask for supplies” Guss looked around “that’s the really short version Risha knows all the details” Gacen smiled he knew Risha would never give up on Dubrillion

Ash cut in “well I mean you certainly were well hidden we’ve been searching for a long time” Guss smiled clearly proud he hadn’t given too much away

Gacen nodded “well Rish was always thorough” they reached the end of the bridge now and the base began to come into view, a large red base came into view looking more like a holiday home than a base of operations, Gacen chuckled even when Risha was hiding out she was doing it in style. He noticed the colours kinda matched his style, he smiled maybe Risha was more sentimental than he thought.

Guss was fidgeting with excitement “Oh this is going to be great I love reunions I’ve missed us three so much, Gacen I just I can’t it’s bee…” Ash grabbed the mon cal covering his mouth and moved him back.

Gacen appreciated that he was beyond nervous, he took a long deep breath and walked up to the door, there was no knocker so he went to knock on the metal but as he did the door sprung open and he saw the familiar form of Risha in the doorway holding a blaster carbine ready. She hadn’t aged a day, her eyes still dark and beautiful wearing the exact same pale jacket she always did, but her hair was much longer going down to her shoulders and curled at the end Gacen really liked it.

Gacen smiled trying to keep his composure as she met his gaze she dropped the carbine to the ground “hey Rish long time” her mouth was agape overwhelmed in surprise

Risha smiled “Gacen? Is that?” she walked up to him putting her hand on his face, it was weird suddenly all his worries were gone now he was here.

Still Gacen was so overwhelmed he didn’t know what to say “I uh I like your hair” Risha smiled averting her gaze

She played with the end of her hair “thanks I uh wanted to be as conspicuous as possible so hair change is less identifiable” she mumbled, Gacen nodded putting his hand on hers

Gacen chuckled “it looks good it builds character” Risha frowned at him he probably hadn’t used that correctly oh well.

Risha’s face softened “I like yours too” she chuckled “it’s exactly the same” Gacen raised his eyebrows at her with a grin

He smiled “of course you can’t mess with the hawk” Risha chuckled grinning like he’d never seen, she pulled him into a tender embrace kissing him for a long second but what at first seemed to be just a kiss quickly turned more and more passionate as they began making out stumbling back into the house, the door closing behind them leaving Guss and Ash outside

Guss looked around “we may wanna give them an hour” he paused “or five”...

[smilingleoo]

Bts Reaction-Slapping Their S/O

Request: Hi... can I have a BTS request of what would happen when their S/O gets slapped. I want an angst Fluff because I like to see the positive side of things if that ok? You don’t have to if you don’t want to

Hi!! Sorry for the long time I took writing this. It was actually pretty hard creating this type of reaction, I could not quite imagine the boys doing this. Buuuuut....here it is!!!!! (J)Hope you enjoy it :)

———

Kim Namjoon (RM)

“I can’t believe you...”-your voice cracked as the last word came out of your mouth. Namjoon stood in front of you, eyes widened, hand still frozen in the air. Silence filled the tense room, a single tear marking its way down your swollen cheek as your lip trembled in fear. However, your eyes were not scared of him, they were filled with deception-“Y/N I’m sorry-“-he started but you stopped his explanation, raising your palm and swerving your head abruptly sideways-“Don’t try to apologize, Namjoon”

“Y/N please”-his boys was just a soft breeze hitting your icy hand, a mere murmur inside the hurricane forming inside your head-“I couldn’t control myself, I-I acted without thinking...”

“And you think that will make any difference?”-now your tone had risen, the man jolting in surprise-“You fucking slapped me, Namjoon! You opted for violence because of a simple fight!”-legs moving toward the hallway connecting the living room with your bedroom, you reached the beginning of it and looked at you boyfriend from the corner of the eye-“Sleep on the couch tonight, I will be out of this house early in the morning.”

Puffy eyes blurred your vision, breath battling to get in and out from your system. The slap drawn on your face was trivial against the burning pain you felt scrambling inside your soul and, when the door creaked opened, you curled your body even further into the lonely mattress of your bed-“Y/N I know I don’t have the right to defend myself and, heck, I hate myself for being so impulsive”-the bed sank slightly when he sat on top of it. You knew he was not facing you for his breathing seemed too distant-“I love you, I really do. I know that it won’t change what I did. However, I wanted to remind you of that fact. I also know that love should not be expressed in such harmful ways but fear took control of me, Y/N. You, leaving me for someone who can give you the time and attention you lack with me...and god, I’m just so so sorry”

When he heard no response from your part, he stood up and walked toward the door-“Stay”-Namjoon’s body halted-“Don’t talk...just stay”

Kim Seokjin (Jin)

“Answer your phone, please!”.Seokjin sobbed, throwing his phone onto de couch when the call ended with no response. He was tired, exhausted from work and now you had to go missing. Jin was scared beyond belief, he could not lose you, not now. The front door clicked open and your keys rustled obnoxiously. He jolted but quickly recomposed, moving abruptly toward the sound. You stood there, perfectly fine. Some groceries were scattered around you as you unclasped your raincoat and delivered it on the wooden hanger attached to the wall. When you turned around and devised your boyfriend standing in the middle of the entrance, face pale and trembling lips, your brows furrowed-”Jinnie, is everything okay?”-your tone was soft, full with concern. He did not believe you, how could you remain so calm?

“Why didn´t you pick up the phone?”-he asked sternly. Your hands pocketed the device out of your purse, showing Jin that you had ran out of battery. He exhaled pulling some dark bangs falling down his forehead. You moved further to him and subconsciously reached forward to his hands. Seokjin was faster though, hitting hard on the back of your hard. A gasped escaped your lip and Seokjin´s hard glare morphed into worry as he surveyed your glossy eyes. The slap had not been strong yet the intention of his action was shocking enough to send a message. As slowly as you had entered the house, you pulled your raincoat once again over your body and stumbled over the cardboard bags displayed on the floor-”Wait, Y/N...”-but he was too late, you had left.

You had not taken your phone with you. Consequently, Seokjin could not call you. An hour had already passed and he had lost the last bit of sanity that remained inside him, claiming that he had lost you since the moment he threatened to actually hit you. Was he insane? How could he possibly attempt to do that? His palms dragged across his tired face as he kept moving through your shared apartment.

His phone rang.

Seokjin fought to answer the call due to his quivering hands but, once he did, he felt relief washing over his soul. Jimin had called, saying that you had staggered into their place clearly drunk. Besides, he reassured Jin that you were completely safe, nor injury visible on your body. He thanked his friend and told him that he would pick you up tomorrow, explaining Jimin that you had had a fight and that maybe you did not want to face him tonight. 

Early the next morning, Seokjin woke up and bought some flowers from the store near your place. Afterwards, he drove to Jimin´s place and prepared an honest apology including the words, “I´m really sorry” and “You can leave me if that´s what you desire...”.

MIn Yoongi (Suga)

Your scream was mere gasped yet it deafened Yoongi´s ears.

He had slapped you. He hadn´t meant to do so, but he did. And the regret was eating his mind alive. Your soft cries filled the silence of the freezing studio for your warmth had disappeared completely, vanished from your body as soon as his palm had impacted with your soft flesh-”Yoongi-Hyung, are you there?”-JUngkook´s voice asked from the other side of the room, and he debated whether to stay silent or to tell him to get the fuck out of there. Either option would have ended with him leaving but you had been faster, plunging a final sob down your nose and running out of the room.

The maknae dodged your unstoppable flee and gifted Yoongi a widened stare. He was not stupid, he knew something was up yet he was no fool to ask his Hyung what had happened; Yoongi for sure would have yelled at him. However, the man inside the room seemed gone, utterly shocked-“Hey Yoongi-ah, Y/N left the building crying!”-Jin warned his member but no movement came from inside the privacy of his studio. Jungkook gazed the eldest member with worry in his silent conversation. Jin just nodded and left the place with the maknae trailing behind. Yoongi´s mouth went dry as he scanned the spot you had been occupying since you had arrived that morning, now completely empty.

He did not know how to apologize for that, maybe he had lost you forever. However, his body turned toward the piano sitting in its usual spot and touched a single key of it. The melody rang through the air into his system, he would apologize in the only way he knew how. And with that final thought, he sat down and started creating the only song that he could possibly think of.

Jung Hoseok (J-Hope)

He could not decipher what had taken over him. Frustration, exhaustion, deception...all of that may have been the perfect formula for the atrocious result laying in front of him. A pink mark spread across your delicate skin was just the mere remembrance of what he had done, of the force of his violence. 

It was quite shocking seeing you unfazed by it. In fact, Hoseok was the one who started crying first-”Y/N, I-I´m just so s-sorry...”-he muttered, kneeling slowly on the floor. Your eyes just stared at him yet they did not hold pain nor anger, they were drowned with compassion. You followed his movements and, when you were finally in the same height, you hand caressed his wet cheek-”Why don´t you ask for some vacations, Hosoek?”

You never used his full name, you were really serious. Nevertheless, he shook his head-”Hoseok, look at me”-he did-”Your manager is not a fool, he will see how exhausted you are and will give you the time you need to rest. He will choose not to lose one of his most talented members because of ambition or practice...”

Why were you so kind to him? He had hit you for the first time and you were still by his side-”Why?”-you just smiled down at him, standing up and gathering your belongings-”I will wait outside, speak to your manager.”

Park Jimin (Jimin)

Insecurities filled his poor soul as Jimin watched how you laughed with a man of the dancing crew. When both of you had finished your hilarious conversation, Jimin approached you and tugged you out of the stage and into an empty room-“Why are you doing this to me?”-he whispered, lowering his head in the process.

“What are you talking about, Jiminie?”-you answered giggling slightly, you thought he was just playing around as he always did. Jimin’s head swaggered upwards, his glare piercing your entire self-“Are you being serious? I thought you loved me...”

“I do love you”-now your voice came out as harsh while your eyebrows furrowed to portray your clear discontent-“Don’t be like this, baby...”-you murmured, reaching out your arm to gather a coloured bang falling next to his ear. However, a hard sound echoed through the enclosed area and a soft whine left your mouth. Jimin’s hand trembled when he realized what he had done yet, when he encouraged himself to speak, you had left the room.

A week without you was something he did not use to, Jimin was losing his mind. He had texted you numerous time by now, but you had blocked him. You were avoiding him-he would have done the same thing if he could-“Go look for her you dumbass!”-Jungkook screamed from his room, tired of hearing Jimin’s broken cries and begging.

When he parked at your place, he quickly left the vehicle and ran to your door. However, his hope vanished when he saw your figure closing your apartment door, a suitcase accompanying you-“I’m going back with my parents for a while”-you explained although he hadn’t asked. Jimin just nodded but his mouth spoke without his mind consent-“I love you so much, Y/N. Jealousy took over me, I couldn’t control myself. The insecurity is a part of me that I’m trying to get rid off, but it’s really difficult...I’m really sorry, Y/N”

His tears told you enough, he was saying the utter truth. You sighed, opening your arms for him to slide toward you. Once you were hugging each other, you whispered on his chest-“We are going to heal together and I promise you I will always be by your side if...”-you stop to look at him-“...you promise to control yourself and trust my unconditional love toward you”

A soft kiss was the most honest answer.

Kim Taehyung (V)

“Don’t leave me, please”-Taehyung cried from inside your shared room. You had your belongings already packed and you were ready to leave the house-“Y/N I’m sorry, please don’t go!”-he tried to embrace you from behind, but you dodged the action-“Don’t ever touch me again...”-you declared grabbing your suitcase and storming out toward the hallway of the building.

A month later, Taehyung had abandoned music completely. BTS was still united yet they had a hard time producing new songs without one of his members. You had heard the news, how the famous group had been neglected by the media due to their lack of productivity. However, you hadn’t attempted to call Taehyung to see if he was doing fine until Hoseok begged you to do so.

“Leave your room, your friends need you”-your voice was emotionless, after all, you were here just because someone had asked you. Otherwise, you would have stayed out of the problem-“Taehyung I’m being serious!”

“Leave again!”-his low melody boomed out of his bedroom-“You fucking slapped me Taehyung, don’t play the victim here!”

He exasperated you, he was acting like a child. Nevertheless, you’ve missed him. He was everything to you, your world transformed into a man-“Hear me out”-you said-“I love you, I really do. But I can’t be with someone who had lost himself. So let’s do something, you are going to leave this room and you’re going to return to your fans who are worried for you. Afterwards, you’re going to slay every concert like you always do and, when you’ve finally returned to your old self, we can talk about what happened...”

The next week, BTS was already breaking records.

Jeon Jungkook (Jungkook)

“What do I do now, Hyung?”-Jungkook asked Seokjin, who had been preparing dinner minutes ago. Checking the oven one more time, the eldest member turned around to face Jungkook´s damaged state. He hadn´t been able to dance nor sing since you left Korea. You were travelling, enjoying other cultures without him. Jungkook was devastated. But he could not blame you for leaving him, he had been really hard on you. Yelling at you was something he knew was wrong. Slapping you out of anger, was another thing completely different. He could have hurt you badly-”I have an idea but you have to apologize properly afterwards”

Jungkook sent to your apartment a bouquet of your favourite flowers and a bar of chocolate that had glued on top of it a letter that had a date, an hour, and a location. When you arrived from your trip, you chuckled for you knew who had sent you all those things.

When the special moment came, Jungkook was already waiting for you under the tree he had planned to meet you. As minuted passed, his soft smile slowly disappeared until he saw your beautiful figure walking toward him-”I know this won´t turn time backwards, that´s why I want to ask you for another opportunity. I am truly sorry, Y/N”

[khicken121]

Lukagami Week: Day 7: AU

Casually arrives a week late to the party

So writers block has been stuck with me for a few months now, and I wrote this self indulgent thing a while ago but of course don't post it until now.

This week was put together by @auroralynne and @bbwoulfc! I'm very sorry for the late entry!

What's going on: fantasy medieval-esque world in which shapeshifters exist. I might draw or commission someone to make the designs I had in mind for the characters, but until them, let your imagination run wild!

This isnt beta'd, so mistakes are all on me. Also, if the formatting is bad, I apologize since I'm posting this from mobile.

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Couffaine.

The famous family of hunters known for ridding the land of the shapeshifters that plagued it. Every one with the ability to transform into one other animal. Any animal from a miniscule insect to an enormous wolf or reptile.

It was hard to believe that less than three decades ago there was only one Couffaine.

Anarka single handedly removed hundreds of shifters from within and around human settlements when she outgrew her teen years. Once she brought her son and daughter into the world, they learned the skills of their mother. As a result, the amount of shapeshifters that populated the lands of the humans became fewer and further between at much faster rates.

The beginning of Anarka’s mission was far from easy. She needed to build a reputation for herself. Many hunters have killed shifters in the past, but deciphering who they were among those without the abilities was difficult with human senses.

There was an advantage Anarka carried that other hunters lacked. She isn't human, and neither are her children.

The enhanced senses of her animal form lingered in her human disguise. The magic in her veins made this possible, as well as sensing a kinship of similar magic with other shifters, regardless of what their other form was.

She learned to harness the ability, sometimes being capable of sensing other shifters from upwards of hundreds of kilometers away. She tracked down shifters more efficiently than any other hunter. The humans never questioned the family’s methods. The shifter they grew to hate that month would be gone and that was enough.

Anarka and her children never boasted any kills because they had no kills to boast about. They’d take their targets to the outskirts of the land the humans called home. Where a hidden, safe oasis resided. A grove where other shifters recovered and thrived until they were ready to go back out to the outside. While they weren’t welcome by everybody outside the grove, it was still considered home to many.

The bounties the Couffaines collected always went towards providing for the shifters they brought to safety and looked after. Anarka taught both of her children to track, and the three of them collectively helped more shifters than any other hunter who managed to neutralize any.

They were the ‘hunters’ everyone wanted to hire.

The family of three would spend their days combing the lands. Anarka, Luka and Juleka would seek out any new bounties placed on the heads of others like themselves.

This time, they decided to go in different directions, Luka traveling east while Juleka headed west. This way they’d collectively cover much more land. He let dark green and blue scales envelop his body as his arms fused to his sides. Within seconds, the famed hunter was nowhere in sight. A viper took his place, slithering eastbound soundlessly.

He lost track of how many hours have passed by the time he reached the quaint, moss-covered tavern. Luka recognized the road next to the stone walls and wooden front door. It was a path he’s walked along many times in his youth. He knew he was a few miles west of the eastern border.

He entered the one-room building, ignoring the eyes that followed him as he traded a chipped silver coin for a small cup of clear liquid. The transparency of the beverage was the keeper’s indicator that someone was waiting to make a deal with him. The figure behind the counter motioned their head to Luka’s left. He glanced in the same direction and took notice of a woman with black hair sitting at the corner most table of the room.

He took a seat across from her. The old wood of the low stool creaked as he placed his weight on it. Upon getting a closer look at her, the first thing he found his attention drawn to was the black cloth that covered her eyes.

“How can I help you?” Luka began.

“I have a proposition for you,” she replied. “Is four hundred silvers enough?”

“What do you want me to do?”

“To make a long story shorter, my daughter isn’t welcome in our village,” her voice dropped to barely above a whisper. Luka leaned in to make it seem he needed to hear her better, but quickly undid the action when the woman sharply spoke “I know you can hear me quite well. Serpentine creatures are well known to have keen hearing.”

His eyes widened in silent shock and confusion, but she continued her story.

“She has trouble controlling herself. Sometimes she’s unaware that she’s shifting until it’s already too late. Two days ago, several people witnessed her, and she was reported. I offered to help her escape, but she ran away before accepting or rejecting it. I know she did that to protect her father and myself.”

As intrigued as Luka was, one question burned deep in his mind. “Why are you telling me this?”

“I know the rouse your family puts up. You agree to hunt your own kind for money, but none of you have one drop of blood on your hands.”

Luka was dumbfounded. Struggling to keep his voice low, he managed to softly speak “my own kind?”.

“Yes, but your family’s secret is safe with me.” She put a slim felt pouch on the table between them, opened it up and withdrew a folded piece of paper. “Open your hand for me, would you?”

Luka obliged. The woman tipped the open pouch, causing two scarlet scales to fall into his gloved palm. The perfume they carried was intense. Luka concluded that whatever creature the shifter’s non-human form wasse scales came from was incredibly powerful.

“Her scales?” he asked while examining the them.

“Yes,” she answered. “This is the most recent portrait of her I have,” she placed the folded paper next to his empty cup.

He opened the document and observed the charcoal sketch of a young woman. While her profile may not have been colored on paper, it was heavily detailed and well-shaded. Her hair was dark, but long. Her irises were a fairly light hue, as well. Between this and the scales, he had more than enough information needed to identify her.

“Answer me this, if you don’t mind. People always approach my mother, my sister or me to have shifters killed. She may be your daughter, but that has not stopped people from hiring us in the past. Why are you trusting me with this task?"

The woman said nothing.

“How do you know you can trust me?” Luka repeated.

She sighed. “If she expresses any doubt about who you are, show her those items. I only ask that my daughter is safe. I’d give anything if it meant she’d be safe and happy.”

Luka rose from his seat, taking the scales and picture with him. “You have my word with her safety,” he assured her.

He left the building with those last words. Still baffled that someone wanted to hire him with incorrupt intentions. How the woman inside knew about the hunting rouse was well beyond him, yet his instincts kept insisting that he could trust her.

Luka picked up the same scent of the scales within the air. He locked onto it and made haste towards it.

-----

Luka followed the faint scent of chilled mist that lingered in the air. As he moved towards it, it grew stronger and stronger. He followed it into the mountains that lay in the heart of the eastern lands. His search brought him to a spring far deeper than its diameter.

Luka was certain that a shifter’s presence was close. Far closer and larger than what his human eyes were able to detect.

The skies above him rumbled. Clouds grew denser and darker, winds grew louder as they came from every direction. The earth quakes under him, and the water of the spring shot upwards like a geyser, forcing Luka to shield his body with his cloak of dark green scales.

When the water stopped falling, he pulled the cloak back. An enormous serpentine creature gazed down at him with a look of fear masked by anger. It's body rose from the water and was covered in scarlet scales. Golden spines decorated the center of its back, and whiskers as black as the starless sky grew from its head.

Luka was face-to-face with a dragon.

“You're unarmed,” the dragon spoke. The words emboldened by the echo of the surrounding mountains. “What type of hunter kills its prey without a weapon?”

“I don't intend to harm you.”

“You wear the clothes of a hunter, yet you're like me,” the dragon’s voice boomed curiously. “Why are you here?” Its voice grew more stern, scales flaring outward in self defense.

“I was sent by your mother,” he responded. The creature’s large eyes widened. “And yes, in a way, we are the same.” Luka’s pupils narrowed as his irises nearly covered the entirety of both eyes and dark blue and green scales trailed over the edges of his face.

The heavy winds settled, but the setting sun has yet to break through the looming clouds.

[fortunatelylori]

"When the sun rises in the west and sets in the east. When the seas go dry and mountains blow in the wind like leaves. When your womb quickens again, and you bear a living child. Then he will return, and not before.” The prophecy is obv about Drago returning and by listing all things that are impossible she's basically saying never to his return. Why all of a sudden would the child be a possibility if none of those others are? This is about Drago not a baby. (1/2)

I think the emphasis on the kid aspect of the prophecy was definitely a misdirect in Season 7. Mirri didn’t even say the whole prophecy in s1. The last 2 lines were left out. We’ve really only had it through Danys POV that dragons were the only kids she could have because of the witch’s curse. She didn’t set out to hurt the child or future children. She was warned. Seems like Dany’s womb paid for Drago’s “life” and not specifically that child. (2/3)

And maybe the reason he was in a vegetative state as opposed to full resurrection is because of the womb. I don’t think she had any intentions of harming the baby but then she came in. She probably meant to put him in that state the whole time but by the horse. Unless the mountains start blowing in the wind along w that other stuff she’s not having a baby

Hey, nonnie!

I agree. Mirri’s prophecy, if it’s indeed a prophecy, is in regards to Drogo, as an answer to D*ny’s question: 

D*ny: When will he be as he was? 

I do think people wrongly assume that Mirri killed D*ny’s baby and, moreover, that she did it intentionally but, considering how events play out, I doubt that, as well. 

Mirri warns D*ny not to go into the tent while she is preforming the ritual which D*ny later on assumes is what kills her child. But since Mirri specifically tells her not to go in there, it’s clear she didn’t have the intention of killing the baby. 

A lot of people assume it because of Mirri saying that D*ny knew what she was paying in order to have Drogo back, implying that somehow D*ny was willing to pay for Drogo’s life with the life of her child and D*ny herself questions this in her thoughts but then decides not to think about it and instead utilizes her mantra of: 

D*ny: If I look back, I’m lost. 

Honestly, I’m not sure D*ny’s womb paid for Drogo’s life. I tend to think that her infertility is her payment for the awaking of the dragons from stone. It’s rather the ritual that follows when she enters Drogo’s pyre that renders her infertile and thus becomes the Mother of Dragons. 

This is given credence in my mind because during her fever post-Rhaego, she actually reaches for her eggs and she keeps having these very strange dreams that eventually lead her to enact the ritual. 

However, the more I think of the baby foreshadowing in season 7, the more I wonder where the writers intend to take this. Because I do think this isn’t just a misdirect and that we will have some sort of pay-off for it. I just don’t think it will come in the form of a baby. 

Somehow, I think it’s connected to this scene: 

This is a difficult scene to interpret for two reasons: 

1. It isn’t part of the visionsthat D*ny gets in the House of the Undying in the books. And when talking aboutthis scene, D&D said they filmed it because they wanted to work with JasonMomoa again. 

Which I’d almost buy if itwasn’t for the fact that in order to reach the tent where Drogo and Rhaego are,D*ny is actually walking through the Wall. They are trying to link the scene ofD*ny seeing her husband and unborn child with the Wall, the location we connectthe most with Jon Snow and the fight against the White Walkers. 

So the show does take the timeto foreshadow D*ny and Jon meeting as well as D*ny being involved in the WhiteWalker war in some way. And the issue of motherhood, family and love is alsopresent. 

2. This vision is, in part, amanipulation on the part of the Undying who want to keep D*ny prisoner in theirtower in order to control her dragons. So obviously presenting her with thehusband that she loved and the child she almost had, is meant to pull at herheat strings. And it almost works. 

What pulls her out of the tentare the distant cries of her dragons. So in a symbolic sense, D*ny once againchooses her dragons over her human family. 

I wonder if this is alsoforeshadowing for D*ny doing the same in the future when she has to choosebetween protecting her dragons and continuing to support Jon in the War for theDawn. 

In regards to the baby, a whileago I put forth the idea that perhaps D*ny will have a shadow baby, via herrenewed connection with Melisandre. I do think Mel is coming back in season 8and that she will end up doing to D*ny what she did to Stannis. 

Stannis became so wrapped up inthe Azor Ahai prophecy that he ended up burning his own daughter at the stake.Mel was wrong in thinking that he was Azor Ahai but I think she will soonrealize that D*ny is, in fact, AA which will lead her to push her fanaticismeven further and attempt to steer D*ny towards whatever she reads in herfires. 

So, at some point, I do believethat D*ny will think herself pregnant and this will be justified by Mel insaying that Jon is, somehow, “Drogo come again”. Which will make sense toD*ny because Jon came back from the dead which is something Drogo didn’t manageand also that Jon is, in actuality, the first man after Drogo that she hasfallen in love with (in the show, she states that she never truly cared forDaario). 

In addition to that, theUndying vision could be interpreted as D*ny finding love and having a childagain, if looked at on the surface. 

However, the fact that D*nyabandons the tent in search of her dragons, that the Wall is essentiallysuperfluous to the entire scene leads me to think that this won’t play outstraight. 

Then there’s thedialogue: 

D*ny: This is dark magic, like themagic that took you from me. 

Incidentally the same magicthat Mel has and that brought Jon back from the dead. 

D*ny: Maybe I’m dead and I justdon’t know it yet. Maybe I’m with you in the Night Lands. 

Drogo: Or maybe I refused to enterthe Night Lands without you. Maybe I told the Great Stallion to go fuck himselfand came back here to wait for you. 

As far as foreshadowing goes,this isn’t all that positive. Drogo essentially says that he’s stuck in someform of purgatory and D*ny thinks maybe she’s dead. 

Drogo: Or maybe it’s a dream. Yourdream, my dream … I do not know. […] And if this is a dream, I will kill theman who tries to wake me. 

All this talk of dreams reeksof self-delusion, which is exactly what the Undying hope  will make D*nystay in the tent. The cries of her dragons give her the strength to pullherself out and leave but will she be able to remain as clear headed movingforward? 

Her falling in love with Jonand convincing herself that he’s in love with her as well, followed by herbelief that she’s pregnant, feels like self-delusion to me. A seemingly prettydream with a very dark reality hidden beneath. 

Also, it’s interesting thatwhile she is in that tent, she never picks Rhaego up or holds him, while we seeher leaving the House of the Undying like this: 

I’m sorry if this answer turned out more jumbled but this aspectisn’t, as of yet, all that clear to me, to be honest. I just feel like thisvision will somehow come into play in regards to the Jon/D*ny romance and thebaby talk. And that it doesn’t really have positive connotations. 

If anyone else has furtherthoughts on this, please leave them in the comments section. I’d be verycurious to hear how you think this vision might come into play in season8. 

Thanks for the ask! 

[neetu-uplifts]

Learning from Death

July hit my family like a storm. We experienced some highs and some major lows. We lost my Aunt in early July. She had been sick for a while, in and out of the hospital, but we were hopeful that she would recover. God however had other plans. Shortly after, my 105-year old Grandmother broke her pelvic bone and was hospitalized. Emotions were high as everyone prayed for her recovery - she is such a fighter (and thankfully returned home just yesterday). A few weeks later, we came together in strength and good spirits to celebrate a close family wedding. The wedding was the uplift our family needed but it didn’t last long. 10 days after the wedding, we lost my cousin. His death was completely unexpected and it shook us all to the core. He was young and had so much life to live. He was such a jolly, loving, hard working, honest and joy-filled member of our family. He had such a pure heart. It’s still so hard to believe that he’s actually gone. Nobody saw it coming. Hours before he left us, he was visiting with family members and chatting with neighbours - just being his lively, welcoming self. We are in a state of shock and dismay. His death came so suddenly, like waking up to an earthquake. It feels as though we are living in a mental blur, still trying to piece together what happened. 

Throughout this emotionally difficult time, I’ve been reflecting on life and death, perhaps as part of my own personal grieving process. I keep asking myself what I can learn from the tragic losses my family has recently faced. The thing is that death is guaranteed to become a reality for every single one of us. No one is protected from death - neither young nor old. We are powerless against it. Yet, we tend to forget this truth, as we get caught up in the many “distractions” of life, spending our living days without that ticking clock in mind. I’m not saying we should live every waking moment in constant fear and anticipation of death. It’s not about fear of death but rather, acceptance. If we deeply accept and internalize that our time will come and we have no control over when that day will be, perhaps that will ignite and awaken us to use the time we’ve been given towards the absolute best possibilities. As I reflect on the many thoughts and emotions running through me over the past several weeks, I think about the raw learnings that I have. I hope you too will sincerely contemplate what these learnings mean for you and how you’re approaching your life. No one has it all figured out. We are all works in progress, taking it one day at a time. But the more we keep this stuff top of mind, the better our chances are of living life fully, without regrets. 

We all have an expiry date

Just like a carton of milk, we all have an expiry date. Life is so short and temporary - this means 2 things:

1) Stop sweating the small stuff. Let things go. Don’t find reasons to complain about things that in the grand scheme don’t matter. Adopt a big picture mindset. When you find yourself getting upset about someone or something, try to pause, zoom out and ask yourself if this issue that is bothering you right now will even matter in a year, a month or a week from now. Chances are it won’t. Awareness of the ego mind (the thing that’s constantly on and causing all that noise in your head) and disidentifying from it will help with this. How? Because the things we stress about always stem from a place of ego. Ego being anything that isn’t your true self (you are an infinite soul - not a body/human). So anything that comes from a place of identification with or attachment to your body, the story of YOU or any material form = ego. When you find yourself getting upset ask who is upset - you (infinite soul) or that sensitive ego that constantly feels the need to protect/defend itself? Just smile, breathe, pause, surrender, laugh, accept, look for the silver lining - LET IT GO. Easier said than done, I know. But we need to keep working on this. Conquering the mind is the true purpose of life. But why should we care? Because the most tragic way to live (and then die) is lost in the confines of your ego-driven mind (negativity, drama, scarcity mindset, lost in materialism/attachments/superficial things, etc). If you operate from a place of higher consciousness (big picture mindset) with a perspective of oneness, abundance and connectedness with everyone around you, you align with the Universe, experiencing a state of bliss/joy/nirvana. In other words, the most beautiful life possible - peace of mind, inner contentment and joy - is within reach if you want it.

2) How you spend your time is super important. We all have an expiry date so that means our time is very limited and precious. Do you want to spend that time operating from a place of fear or a place of love? Something changes in us from childhood to adulthood. We put up our guards, parts of us harden into clay, we adopt the belief of “other-ness” and we all become extremely “busy”. How do we return to that child-like quality of being open, curious and loving towards one another? Think of a small child smiling at you with the most loving gaze. You used to be that child. What happened? Be kinder than is necessary. See the ONE in everyone. Bring love and positivity into every interaction, whether with a loved one or a complete stranger. How differently would you show up if every person you interact with today was going to die tomorrow? Seems morbid to think this way but it could be a reality, for them or for you. Don’t hold back on telling people you love them. Express it. Replace your ego with honesty. Much better to be overflowing with love and expression than pained with the regret of restrained and bottled emotions. Push thru the uncomfortableness. Think about the people in your life who you cannot imagine living without. Make an intentional decision to prioritize spending more quality time with them, especially your parents, siblings and grandparents. Everyone is too busy, pick up the phone, plan that potluck, take your Mom out for a nice meal or to see a movie, get the friends or fam together for a weekend getaway. Don’t wait for them to call or text you - take the initiative. Love only attracts love. Reach out and start a chain reaction. Just do it. You will not regret it. Again, you do not have infinite time. None of us do. At some point, time will be up.

Cherish your family

Growing up in a big, tight-knit, loving family has been one of my greatest joys in life. When I’m surrounded by my large and lively family, I feel like I’m home. This past month, I realized the power and strength of family to an extent I had not before experienced. The tragic losses we faced have reinforced our greatest blessing - each other. We are incredibly lucky to have a family that is so close and connected. Everyone has come together in such a loving way to give each other strength in these difficult times. Every obligation and priority was dropped to gather on a daily basis to spread love, run errands, make meals, grieve and reminisce, cry and laugh and instill faith and strength. We made sure that my cousin’s house was full of family, love and community - and we will continue to do that. I love that our idea of a low-key family dinner is 70 people (no joke) showing up to make a meal and eat together. My heart is so full just thinking about how much I love my family and how they have given me so many reasons to love deeper and to feel deeply loved throughout the past month. Perhaps that’s also why the loss of my Aunt and cousin has been so difficult for us because family truly is everything for us. Family is precious and you realize just how precious when you lose a family member. And family doesn’t have to be based on blood lines. Family is anyone who feels like home for you. Look out for one another. If you know someone is struggling, check in on them and remind them they are not alone. Hug and kiss your loved ones. Tell them you love them.  Even if that’s not something you grew up doing, start doing it. Even if it’s awkward or “corny” or not “macho” just do it. No harm was ever created through more love and affection.

Remember who you really are

Beyond the flesh, the body, the hair and the story of you, exists a content, infinite and powerful energy - your soul. That is who you are. We forget this once we adopt a body and personality, among other attachments and identifications. This is a core spiritual belief of mine but witnessing the lifeless body of my cousin made it all come home for me. As I stared through heavy tears at his body, and touched his ice cold forehead, I realized it looked like him but the thing that made him HIM, the thing that gave him life, and enabled him to see, talk, hear, touch, walk, love and laugh - that thing was gone - it had left the body. That “thing” is the soul - the infinite, energetic life force that “turns on the lights” inside our flesh and bone-filled bodies. The love and attachment we have with a loved one’s personality and character and all their quirks and “isms” are all powered by the soul, not the body. It’s interesting how once someone dies, everyone begins to refer to them as “the body” rather than by name. Because the name/personality/identity is gone. The body dies but the soul never dies. And yet, ironically, while we’re alive, we’re so attached to and identified and obsessed with the body - both ours and others. Looking at a dead body makes you realize how misguided we are. It’s the soul we should be connecting with. That’s the truth of who we are, not the body. So, when someone dies, where does the soul go? It just flows from one body/form (vehicle) to another or becomes liberated in the omnipresent source of all life. Knowing this gives me some internal peace. May my Aunt and my cousin’s souls rest in love, light and peace.

Respect and take care of your body. Enjoy it. It’s the only one you have for the duration of your human journey. But don’t just get lost in the toning and adornment of the body. Go deeper. Look inside yourself and connect with that energy that allows you to actually be alive, literally makes you alive. I strongly recommend reading A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose by Eckhart Tolle and Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life by Wayne Dyer. These books have helped me connect more deeply with my soul. And it’s a commitment to stay connected because the world has many outward-driven distractions. Staying aware of the truth of ourselves will help us build a stronger and more loving relationship with ourselves and with others. And perhaps most importantly, it will give us a broader perspective on life and death, enabling us to develop acceptance (rather than fear) of our inevitable (unknown) expiry date.

In sum…..

Love deeper

Be kinder than is necessary

Live more fully - embrace adventure and spontaneity 

Stop taking everything so seriously - stop taking yourself so seriously 

Tell them you love them - push thru the hesitation

Intentionally make more time for family and friends 

Open your heart to seeing the best in others - drop the judgment

See the ONE in everyone

Work hard with passion, enthusiasm and gratitude 

Know your truth, connect with your soul - it will set you free

<3

Knee2

[tiredarcher]

Greed and Envy Go Hand in Hand

When Envy was first created, they were actually close to Greed, and sometimes things don't need to change

Fmab Au where Greed takes Envy with him

ao3 , fanfiction

An au based on the a headcannon I had were I think Greed and Envy were actually really close before Greed left and Greed leaving is actually what pushed Envy into hating humanity so much. And that Greed actually really cares about what he thinks is his, based on ho he treated the Devil's Nest gang.

Plus I wanted to write something about the dysfunctional homunculus family

The first thing Envy heard was a muffled voice. It sounded deep, but not too deep, and it lacked emotion.

“...it will eventually grow in size when it receives more souls but as for now this is much more manageable.”

There was a sound as the person turned to leave accompanied by the dragging of robes “I trust the three of you will be able to watch it until it adjusts?”

“Of course father.” That sounded more like one person was talking but also multiple all at once and it gave Envy a feeling of dread just hearing it “We will do our best to guide our… new addition until then.”

A word of approval was given but it already sounded as if the person, Father, was already gone down some sort of hallway, causing a slight echo.

There was a pause before a slight shuffle of feet and a scoff “Pop’s really expecting us to watch whatever that thing is?”

“Greed calm down, it not like you had anything planned did you? More roughhousing with your “possessions” maybe?” a smoother more calming voice this time.

“Oh fuck off Lust.”

“Both of you will be quiet.”

Another scoff and more shuffling of feet before something approached them and jabbed a finger into their face “Oi, you awake yet?”

Envy felt their eyes flutter open and they looked up to see a tall man in a turtleneck, leather pants, a row of sharp teeth, and a confused expression staring down at them.

It was silent for a moment before he leaned back and started belting out hysterical laughter “HOLY FUCKING SHIT THIS THING LOOKS LIKE ONE UGLY-ASS DOG.”

A sharp unknown feeling struck through Envy, and as they looked at the other two people in the room- if you could even call them that - it only got worse. The man was still laughing, the woman had a look of annoyance, and whatever the black mass of teeth and eyes was just seemed to ooze disgust.

It felt overwhelming.

So overwhelming that Envy just couldn't help but to...to..

“Shit, is it crying?”

Hot tears dropped down their face as they started to hiccup and gasp. Looking down at themselves they could now see what the man had been laughing so hard at, what the others had been so disgusted with. Eight green, almost scaly disfigured limbs, small moving masses that seemed to want to burst out of their hide, ugly hair that dropped into their face, and a nose that seemed both sharp and squashed at the same time. They were truly horrifying, some type of sick beast that should never had been made.

Almost quiet crying turned to bawling their eyes out.

They were ugly, hideous, an abomination. They couldn't stand the sight of themself, they hated themself so much in that moment all they wanted to do was rip out their hair and all of those moving masses, get rid of everything they were.

So they did just that. Clawing at themselves with the intent to harm but the masses and everything else just started to grow and reform with a red spark. It only made them cry harder.

“Aw fuck, Lust fix the thing!”

“And how am I supposed to do that? Dear Greed, you're the one that seemed to have upset it.”

“Can't you be motherly or something?”

“I'm very tempted to stab your face right now.”

“You’re such a-"

An aggravated growl cut off the two that had been arguing and Envy felt something sharp slice into them. Whatever it was was cold and it sent an unbelievable blinding pain through them before they felt themselves go completely blank and what felt like a moment later, became aware again.

Envy let out a shriek before backing up until their back hit something and they looked up fearfully at the black mass that had just ripped them apart.

“There, see? Problem solved, no more crying, next time it starts just kill it again.” Moving across the room to another tunnel, the mass paused again “I must complete a task for father. Lust, you will help Greed as I believe Greed is incapable of watching over that thing himself.”

With that the mass vanished into the darkness of the tunnel, practically melting into the shadows, maybe it actually did.

The man, Greed?, looked bitterly down the tunnel before looking back at Envy and they couldn't help but flinch.

“So, what are you? Daddy’o didn't say who you were.”

They glanced at him, then to... Lust, to see the annoyance from really replaces with genuine curiosity.

“Huh? What was that?” Greed came to squat down in front of them.

“I’m…” they knew who they were but they still felt uncomfortable looking the way they did, they wanted to change, they wanted to look different, to look as nice and respectable as the other two people in the room. They wanted it so badly that it hurt- not as much as the shame or those blades but it still hurt.

So they forced the change, they wanted to be different, to not look so ugly and disgusting, so they pushed for it and they felt something.

A slight tingle, almost like electricity, as the pushed themselves up and focused on what they wanted, to look like the man in front of them. To not be a complete monster. “I'm Envy and I'm not a dog.”

They spat the last part out through clenched teeth as the last of the red sparks went away. They knew it wasn't perfect, they could still feel their tail and patches of itchy scaly skin, more like a botched version of Greed but it was still better than what they were.

Greed looked dumbfounded by what he saw and Lust had a slight smirk of approval.

Approval felt nice, Envy liked that, but they didn't get to enjoy it as an armoured finger stabbed them in the face, making them briefly struggle to control their current form and not fall apart.

“Not bad kiddo, nice to know my new possession’s got talent.” the armour around Greed’s hand shifted back to skin and he offered it forward for a handshake to Envy “The name's Greed, I want everything: money, power, sex, people, you name it. I got the ultimate shield, and Lusty over there has the ultimate spear.”

Taking his hand hesitantly, Envy shook it “Possession?”

“Yeah, you're our new... sibling I guess, cause the old man made you so by default, your my new possession” that made no sense.

“Don't worry about him, Greed’s an idiot” Lust came up behind him and offered her own hand “the thing that went through the tunnel and also killed you was Pride, I would say to try to stay on his good side, but that may be impossible considering his standards.”

Lust gave them an elegant smile “now that introductions are done, I also have something to take care of for father.”

“Ey, Pride said to help me.”

“Pride has no control over what I do, I let him think he does. Besides I don't think you need help, Envy seems competent enough, might be more effective to have them watch you.” without turning back Lust waved a hand over her shoulder at them before leaving through another tunnel. The place was basically a labyrinth with tunnels going everywhere, you could probably get lost and die someplace and no one would find you for months.

Well maybe weeks if there was a smell.

“So it's great you can go from something ugly to something less ugly but until you figure out how not to botch that shit up, you can't go around looking like me and ruining my good looks.” Greed slung his arm over their shoulder and gave them a reassuring pat “Don't worry, we'll work on that.”

---------

By the end, Envy had a form that was a mix of both Lust and Greed with their own true form peeking its ugly head through.

Short and wavy hair, tall but lanky, a turtleneck and pants with gloves that went all the way up their arms and some sort of half skirt. Their true form was the same patchyness as the first time they changed, occasional clumps of long straight hair, scales on their neck, a tail, that mark on their forehead, and one of their eyes remained but at least it wasn't the one filled with pupils.

They stuck with that form until they finally managed to shapeshift without the imperfections.

Which took almost 3 months of frustration.

And they still struggled to hold onto that form when they bumped into something or someone.

Pride had also killed them 6 other times when they started crying out of frustration and self-hatred so Envy made a point to either be alone or with either Lust or Greed when they did.

Lust was patient, running a hand through their hair when they had one of their fits and telling them to take their time, on occasion she would snap and tell them to stop but it usually took a while. Greed wasn't as patient, he was more… tolerant? Accepting things with a shrug or a strike to the head when Envy offended him.

Which only happened once so far, after Envy had broken one of his possessions when Greed had refused to let Envy at least see it. But that wasn't completely Envy’s fault! It was boring staying below the surface in the tunnels Father had made and Envy didn't really have anything of their own.

Envy wasn't allowed out until they could make themselves look more human and control themselves better. Father had said it was for the best as the wouldn't want to be noticed too early on.

That was the only interaction Envy had had with Father since their creation. Pride had said it was because Father shouldn't have to interact with something like Envy if he didn't have to.

They had laughed when Greed told him to look in a mirror.

That was the other thing about Greed, sure Lust was nice, but Greed was way nicer.

He said it was because he needed to take care of his possession but Envy wasn't 100 percent convinced. Greed would look genuinely upset and concerned when Pride hurt them and afterwards Greed would try to cheer them up. Most of the time he'd let Envy lean on him until they calmed down enough to try again.

And even though Greed said Envy couldn't copy him now that they could shapeshift without messing up completely- only one person could have Greed’s “dashing good looks” and that was him- he still helped Envy modify it to look different, especially since Envy had 2 other people to go off of and looking like Father was out of the question.

They basically ended up looking like a younger version of Greed, Lust said maybe a 13 year old version with more mischievous charm then the dumbass charm Greed currently had. Rounder, softer face and slimmer form, but a sharp-toothed shit-eating grin.

Greed approved of it, saying it would add to the effect of something if he walked around with his sweet baby brother. Which meant he could scam more people into giving him their money and goods by guilt tripping them through Envy.

Currently the two homunculi were sitting with the chimeras, it was Greed’s job to watch them most of the time since he seemed to have developed a soft spot for the beasts, while Envy was trying to figure out their outfit by watching their reflection in the water.

“I'm just saying, you obviously have no idea what you're doing so I should help.” Greed leaned back against one the chimeras that looked vaguely like a bear while he groomed another’s mane.

Envy huffed as the got rid of the half skirt and instead replaced it by giving the turtleneck a sort of coat tail “Says the man who wears leather pants and pointy shoes.”

“Hey hey hey, you've never seen shit so you can't say shit either, now me? I've seen luxury, the finest clothes those guys got to offer.”

“And yet you still look like that.”

They saw Greed reach for something and they moved out of the way before the loose brick could hit them.

Envy stuck their tongue out at him and Greed responded in kind before Envy went back to their clothes… maybe shorting the gloves? Yeah elbow length and fingerless felt nicer. And a headband, instead of having that mark directly on their forehead...

“Well maybe… actually wait, do me again.”

Pausing, Envy looked up from the water before doing as Greed asked and Greed gave a thoughtful humm “You might be onto something, I think I need a vest or some sunglasses, maybe both. I'll find something after we're done.”

That wasn't exactly what they meant when they… after we're done?

“After we've done what?” They were suppose to be doing something? Envy wasn't told anything, Pride hadn't even spoken to them in 4 days.

“Oh I didn't tell you? I decided that since you've done so well with your whole face changing thing I'd take you out for the first time, see how nice I am?”

That… honestly sounded amazing. They had wanted to go outside since Lust had first told them about it. They had wanted it even more when Pride told them no and made them go to Father instead. But the way Greed phrased it sounded like Pride didn't know anything about it and that would undoubtedly piss Pride off…

“Alright,” they had determination burning in their burgundy eyes “What are we doing?”

Greed’s toothy grin covered his whole face.

---------------------

Going out for the first time had certainly been an experience. The sun definitely was bright and warm and the air felt completely different. Less stuffy and more dry.

They stood outside and marvelled at warmth for a minute before Greed pulled them in the direction of a town.

Humans were also an experience but less enjoyable. Envy thought they were interesting at first but the more they watched them the more irritated they felt. Seeing them interact with each other just irked them but whenever they got caught up in it Greed would flick their ear and tell them their sin was showing.

It made them feel disgusting to think that they could feel envious of humans but Greed would distract them from that too.

Apparently Greed’s plan was to rob a bank and then gamble whatever they stole. The first part was definitely easy, Greed just pointed out the manager and Envy watched him until they got the idea of what he looked like and Greed double checked to make sure the disguise was perfect. Then they went in, got the cash, and managed to get it to Greed without being caught.

The next part was a lot harder, Greed tried to teach them in a back alley how to play different card games and they got most of it but not enough to be able to cheat and not get caught.

They settled on Greed doing the work and Envy looking innocent and cute and hopefully distracting people so Greed didn't get caught.

It worked out great and they made almost triple what they started out with but then one of those stupid human children kicked a ball into their arm and Envy stumbled for control and their claws came out.

Which was why the both of them were punished by Pride and put under lock, neither allowed to come above ground for for a month, probably longer for Envy as their loss of control scared a child and could have outed them to the town growing above their heads.

It was also why they were confused when they heard a knock on their door, they were given a room of their own a week before, and Greed pushed it open, shuffling a stack of cards.

“So, now that we don't have any chores, how about that card game I was trying to teach you?”

Maybe they didn't have to be so envious of humans after all.

Hopefully this is okay!!!

Envy uses they/them in this but different characters will refer to them differently 

I don't really know when I'll update, I'm probably going to do it intermittently with my bnha fic. That way when I get frustrated with writing one fic I'll have the other to work on until I figure things out

Here's some really quick sketches I did of Envy's 2 forms !!

I'll probably post all the ones I've done later