#the second-hand embarrassment is real

[crystalsongbird]

Steve and Jon being asked if they enjoy being "boring old farts."

[destinyc1020]

Embarrassing!!! https://x.com/somesummerday/status/1699247552816984519?s=46

I saw! 😭

He straight up skipped right over her, and she was grasping at his legs 😭😭

[ihateadulthood]

[venussisi]

my favorite girlfailure

[halo-chainsaw]

TINA SLIPPING UP AND CALLING BBH DAD

[athousandbyeol]

what are you laughing at, mew? i'm laughing at you. you're going off-key. are you saying i'm toned deaf? no. you're cute. why would i care if i'm toned deaf? i'm blinded by the love for you anyway. who would have thought a rich man could come up with this cheesy line?

[hesterias]

bro i cannot look at tlsp live videos anymore w/o kicking my feet covering my face and giggling like i truly feel like i'm intruding on an intimate ass moment

[alecvolturi]

Uses of a Secretarial Desk, Demetri Volturi Smut

Hi. Hello. I have no idea how to intro these things, other than be warned this is the first smut piece I have ever written, and there was no proof reader. 

You’re the Volturi’s secretary and have stayed late in order to do some paperwork. Luckily, you can’t get too bored with Demetri around. 

Characters: Demetri Volturi, reader with female genitals. Brief Felix. 

Names used for reader: Y/n, Dolce ragazza, sweet girl, love, darling girl, sweetheart and precious. 

TW: mention of chasing

This is part 1.

Part 2 is here.

Part 3 is here.

Your laughter was traveling down the echoing stone hallways of Castle Volturi. You knew the sound was loud enough to draw attention toward the two of you, but you couldn’t seem to keep quiet for long. If Demetri wasn’t causing you to laugh, he was making you moan. Demetri had been making witty little quips in between the kisses he was pressing to your neck, kisses which were made easier after he had lifted you to sit on the secretaries desk.

He stood close to you, pressed tightly between your spread thighs. One of his hands was cradling the nape of your neck, gently threaded in the hair there, which he occasionally used to tilt your head for better access to your neck. His other hand was resting on your outer thigh, gently caressing upwards and inching up under your skirt before smoothing back down towards your knee where he’d pause to rub small circles with his thumb before continuing the pattern.

On what felt like the thousandth circuit of his hand’s teasing pattern, your thigh gave an involuntary twitch and you made a small whine in your throat. Feeling his hand inch up towards where you wanted it, a little closer each time, only to move away again was maddening. Demetri smirked against your neck, sucking one last bruise into the spot that he knew was the most sensitive, and shifted so he could speak softly, lips brushing against your ear.

“You whined, Dolce ragazza?”

The smirk in his voice would have been infuriating at any other time, especially as you knew he was teasing you on purpose, but now it only served to heat your blood further.

“You’re being cruel, Dem”

“I’m a vampire, it’s said to be in my nature. Besides, it’s not cruel if you like it.”

His hand had settled on the inside of your thigh, his thumb rubbing back and forth over the edge of your panties at the crease between your thigh and hip, and his smirk deepening when your breath caught on a low moan.

“See? Enjoyment.”

You smacked his chest immediately for the cheek, a reprimand on the tip of your tongue, but couldn’t find the strength to get the words past your lips as his fingers deftly dipped past the edge of your panties and in, in, oh god finally, to where you wanted them.

His touch was cool but warmed quickly due to your own body’s heat. He kept his touches light and teasing, never enough to be satisfying but present enough to leave you wanting. Every moan, sigh, or whine you let out was met with a kiss. Lips brushing over your neck, then pressed to your shoulder. He stepped further between your thighs, pressing so close his hard length could be felt brushing against you as he continued his kisses. A peck on your cheek, a tender kiss pressed against your forehead. Eventually, his lips captured yours in a passionate kiss, which he broke not minutes later with a growl.

“I need you, sweet girl. Now.”

“Should we mo-“

“No, here.” He cut in “You’re so wet for me. Right here on your desk, love. Is that okay?”

“Yes, Demetri. Please”

You hadn’t even thought about it. Perhaps you should have, given the traffic of people that passed by your desk on any given day. Although it was late and you hadn’t seen anyone in hours, it was still possible for a stray guard to appear.

Demetri was quick to remove his belt, the clinking quick and sharp as he did so, before undoing his hands and freeing himself from them. You took the opportunity to shove your skirt further up, before starting to pull your panties down and off. You’d gotten them down to your mid-thigh, before Demetri cut in, ripping them off of you like they were made of tissue paper. Which, to him, you suppose they are.

“Hey! What if I liked those?”

“I’ll buy you more.” He spoke quickly, reclaiming his spot between your thighs, and your lips, and pressing close. “As many as you want, precious.”

“I’ll hold you to that.” You gasped out, biting his bottom lip gently as you felt the head of his cock pressing insistently against your entrance.  

“I have something better in mind for you to hold against me, darling girl.”

He was inside you then, thick and hard and perfect. God, you’d been thinking about this all day. The perfect end to a busily stressful day of working at this desk was, as always, a quick fuck on it.

He thrust inside you, his pace hard, deep, and glorious. The desk made a sound as it slid across the floor, and Demetri cursed under his breath as he followed the desk, and the warmth of your cunt, until the desk was against the wall.

“Remind me to anchor this desk in place, sweetheart. While I can enjoy a chase, this isn’t what I had in mind.”

The force of his thrusts caused the desk to knock against the wall and a steady knock could be heard.

“Oh, Y/n” Demetri moans “you feel so good wrapped around me.”

Knock “Y/n. Does that feel good, love?”

Knock “Y/n”

Knock “Y/n” his voice sounded different, detached with almost a hint of amusement.

Another knock sounded, and you felt the vibration of it against your head. It was like ice water had been poured down your back and suddenly you were sitting up. You had fallen asleep at your desk, arms folded under your head while finishing up some extra paperwork and….

And the whole thing had been a dream. A dream that you had at your desk, surrounded by a castle of vampires with enhanced senses. Vampires who could hear your every breath, your every heartbeat. They could smell the blood flowing within your veins and- Oh, god. Their sense of smell. The sudden reminder had you clenching your thighs together, a fool's attempt at hiding the arousal you knew was drenching your panties. You hoped you hadn’t said his name or, even worse, made any sounds.

Demetri cleared his throat, and you looked up slowly slightly terrified to make eye contact. Standing on the other side of your desk was Demetri, you’d been expecting that, but beside him was a grinning Felix.

As you looked at the two of them, Felix’s grin slowly widened and he spoke in a teasing manner.

“Sweet dreams?”

If only you had a better poker face.

There might have been a possibility of denial if you hadn’t immediately flushed at the question.

[escherstrange-ffxiv]

#5: Stamp

"The Hingans call it a hanko. You know how their names aren't written in Common? That makes it hard to sign their names so they carve it onto a little wooden block and use that as their signature."

Escher sidled up to the skeptical Lalafell, his thumbs and index fingers framing the room in front of them. "Picture this: no more hand cramps. You need to authorize someone to enter Labyrinthos? Boom, stamp. Issuing a document of entry to a visitor? Boom, stamp. I guaran-damn-tee you that you will save up to an hour of your life a day."

"We already have stamps of authority-"

"-But you still have to sign around it somewhere. What I am describing here is literally an inked stamp of my signature." He mimed his signature in the air. "Prof. Escherichia Coli, Studium Faculty of Magic. A signature and two tiny lines, that's all I'm asking for."

"That's a wax seal. You just described a wax seal."

"A wax seal is for filthy rich nobles; I am neither filthy, nor rich, nor noble." Despite building a massive space-faring rocket, Sharlayans were big sticks in the mud when it came to modernizing the little things in life. "Like the Hingans, this will be the common man's seal."

"What happens if someone steals your stamp? They could steal your identity with it!"

"Olin, this is for science. We are Sharlayans and it is our way of life to offer ourselves first and foremost in the name of progress. That is what I am doing right now, and when this catches on, you will look back and wonder how did we ever live with cramped hands." Escher paused briefly before adding, "I will be paying for your time and craftsmanship, just so you know."

The stamp-maker twiddled his mustache, squinting at Escher before grunting, "Fine. Come back in a sennight."

"A sennight?! The Hingans can get it done in half a day-"

"So go to Kugane and get it done in half a day, then, though I suspect the time and gil isn't worth the effort, eh?" Twelve damn the genius who made all Lalafell the same. "Look, it's an easy job but I've got a list of stamps to make that are higher priority for now. Unless the Forum decides that your experimental stamp can be bumped up the list, one week is the soonest I can get to it."

"Fine. I'll see you in a week." Escher sighed as loud as the gil clinking on the desk. On the way back to the Studium his thumb pressed on the palm of his right hand, massaging his hand from fingers to wrist.

He thought of the mountain of paperwork that awaited him and his heart weighed a ponze heavier that day.

[itspileofgoodthings]

I mean I’m obsessed with crash landing on you because it’s like if a hallmark movie was good and that is fascinating to my brain and healing to my heart.

[an3mos-mp]

Summary: kazuha distracts you with his EXPERT fingers after a stressful day at work

Starring: Kazuha, reader

Genre: Smut, fluff

Warnings: Explicit sexual content ahead (not extremely explicit but you get the gist), this isn’t proofread

Author’s note: This isn’t my first time writing smut but it’s my first time actually posting it and I couldn’t bring myself to finish it but hopefully with my next piece I will. Baby steps :) Likes, comments, reblogs and new followers are always welcome!

Word count: 481 words

“Love, I’m home.” You heard from the entrance of the home you shared with your lover, Kaedahara Kazuha. You hummed in response as you went over the paperwork you had to handle for work, your eyebrows furrowed as you struggled to get through the work. “Love?” Kazuha said as he walked into your study room.

You sighed. “Sorry, I'm quite busy right now. Welcome back.” You offered without looking at him, you paid full attention to the work before you.

Kazuha chuckled, “Someone seems to be stressed,” And he walked to you before placing a kiss on your cheek. “Would you like a distraction?” He asked as he placed a slow kiss along your jawline. He then moved to your ear and whispered against it, “I’m very good at distractions.f”

You shivered before looking at him and giving in. “Just one kiss, okay?”

He smiled in delight and leaned in then mumbled against your lips.“Just one kiss.”

He kissed you with passionate desperation and you returned his fervour with your own, grabbed the collar of his shirt and deepened the kiss.

“Kazuha,” You breathed when he broke away from your lips to take his time trailing kisses down your neck to your collarbone. You repeated his name with more desperation and ran your hand through his hair and tugged him closer causing him to groan gently against your skin.

He played with the waistband of your skirt, your breath stuttered, “Be patient.” His order flew over your head as you tried to pull him closer.

He knelt before you and turned your chair so you could fully face him. With your hand now on the side of his face, he kissed the inside of your palm before looking up at you from where he knelt and offered you a teasing smile. You gulped at the sight.

He was the first to break eye contact when he placed a gentle kiss on the top of your thigh before assisting you with spreading your legs and trailing kisses up your inner thighs, the hem of your skirt gathering at your waist.

He trailed kisses up your thigh and as he got closer to where you wanted him to be, the little whines you let out spurred him on until you felt the ghost of a kiss on the edge of your underwear giving rise to an electric feeling in your abdomen.

He paused to look at you and tilted his head in question. Understanding his quest for approval, you nodded and that’s all he needed before he hooked his fingers on the waistband on you underwear and carefully revealed yourself to him. He bit his lip and somehow you had room to become even more aroused by the sight.

You both had fun and went to sleep in the end. (Because that’s the furthest my dignity will allow me to go)

[mazojo]

The feminism leaving my body anytime Eilisha from Love Island Australia

[imsurroundedbyidiots553]

Oh, I'm so not looking forward to this. This is going to hurt.

[wickjump]

head in hands. stares at open ao3 tab with grief. why

[dawnthefluffyduck]

*peeks behind corner*

*leaves*

...of course, I should mention that this was only possible with the help of @patchwork-crow-writes; he helped me with the final stage of writing and gave me a ton of good feedback+writing tips, and was just super encouraging during the entire writing process. It'd never get done, much less posted, without his help, so thank you again Mr. Crow!

[inside-a-portal]

Guys I know it’s the whole point but I don’t know if I can watch Jimmy mf McGill crash out for 5 more seasons