#the same as one red lobster biscuit (one!!!)

[the-bluestreak-cat]

Listen man. Counting calories makes me stupid anxious and more likely to gain back

[goqmir]

if you want to be a chef in this day and age you have to want to fuck the food. it used to be that you could get away with just desiring food-related sex-- in western saloons in the late 1800s, for instance, there were often gouges in the floorboards leading from the cook's favorite lovemaking bedroom in the inn to the nightly spot laid out for the salad bar trolley. Now, though, you have to have sexual urges about the food itself. If you don't, you will be easily outclassed by those overworked bakers who stop for condoms on the way home after they score some extra jelly-filled pastries from work, or the Michelin star chefs who have hours of mac and cheese stirring ASMR saved in a YouTube playlist. They simply want the food more than you do. Every chef with a decent career in the fine dining world has that not-so-hidden secret. If you can afford it, expensive dishes usually have wonderful texture-- just ask Gordon Ramsey and his fridge full of crab puffs-- but if you can't, I would recommend first starting out with something affordable you can easily keep on hand, with little preparation time and a decent texture. Of course, not all beginning chefs follow this advice-- a lot of dedicated chefs attempt to start fucking the food after learning about this subculture, leading to an alarming number of juice fetishists in the sous chef workforce. Unfortunately, many learn too late that you need substance in your food-- some decent texture to rub against-- or you won't get the same experience with food you need in the industry. By that time, of course, the juice kink has set in-- if you see a sous chef pouring apple cider into a pot of mac and cheese, you don't have to ask what it's adding to the flavor profile. A lot of popular picks are easy to reheat in the microwave, not quick to perish, and give a decent enough texture to be satisfying. A common pick is simply bread; filled donuts offer a pleasant pocket and satisfying orgasms; muffins are thick enough where working a hole from its bottom to its top is not only possible, but expected; almost all of the kitchen staff at Red Lobster leaves for the night with a few extra-soft biscuits in their bags. Others have more interesting taste: melty cheeses, the pointiest carrots and pineapples, the claws of lobsters, the most decadent helpings of whipped-cream topped parfaits. This all works fine for a number of years, until you notice your skill as a chef starting to plateau. Many chefs simply stay in this zone, as well enough preparers living happy lives at good jobs. But the best chefs, the headliners, those who prepare the best meals the world has to offer... they take it to the next level. They spend a good, long time preparing the dish they are covering in their cum up to four nights a week. Hours of baking, broiling, dirtied pots and pans. The food preparation is like foreplay, one of the most creative parts of sex and cooking alike. A good chef gets hotter with the pasta in the pot, sizzles along with the eggs in the pan, finds themselves on edge with each slice of the potato into the crock. Until finally, hours into the night, cock hard like a lamppost, after dicking down that beautifully prepared pasta frittata since the sun was still up, they orgasm all across its gorgeous pasta fillings and creamy cheesey insides and finally Understand food. After learning all of this, you may be tempted to go down to your neighborhood spot and ask the chef what they do to deepen the connection between themselves and their meals. Of course, if the neighborhood spot happens to be a bar, you'll probably actually have a line cook-- where instead, you should probably ask what they like most about putting their cigarettes out on twinks.

[nickgerlich]

Catch Of The Day

There are times when I must deviate slightly from the topic at hand, because there is a story so compelling it must be told. Today’s blog is a perfect example of this, and I hope you find inspiration in it. Oh, and maybe you can find a kernel of consumer behavior to harvest from it as well. As far as I am concerned, pretty much everything we talk about in business can ultimately be tied to our consuming ways, even if it’s a bit of a stretch.

So…how many of you have eaten at a Red Lobster? I visualize a lot of hands going up. As crazy as it sounds, a casual restaurant chain featuring seafood really can make it, even in places like Amarillo, 700 miles from open water. Detail, details. That’s why we have freezers and airplanes, right?

Heck, they could have made those cheese biscuits the main menu item, and just sold them. Let’s see a show of hands from those who have nearly eaten themselves sick on just these.

Red Lobster started in Lakeland Florida in March 1968, but the chain fell upon hard times the last decade, dying a very slow death. Or, if you want a more fitting metaphor, it was foundering on the beach like a whale that lost track of the water. For many years, the Darden Company, owner of Olive Garden, Longhorn Steakhouse, Cheddar’s, Bahama Breeze, and more, owned it, but they presciently sold it in 2014, which then saw Red Lobster start to go into a tailspin.

The company ultimately wound up in the hands of Thai Union Group, an international seafood distributor who thought that vertical business integration would provide it with a guaranteed customer for its foods. It’s just that they didn’t know as much about the restaurant business as they did the wholesale side.

While there were many things contributing to Red Lobster’s decline, it was the unlimited shrimp promotion that probably took the water out of its gills. By offering an endless supply of an expensive item for only $20, they thought they could entice customers. Oh, they did, alright. It’s just that offering endless shrimp is not at all like offering all-you-can eat spaghetti, which is cheap. They were losing money on many customers, who sometimes would eat 60 of the little crustaceans. Consumers are funny like that.

Bankruptcy, here we come. About 100 stores were shuttered, leaving the chain with 545 units.

But unknown to everyone at the time was a young restaurant CEO who started making quiet, unannounced visits to Red Lobsters across the country. Damola Adamolekun would go in, and start keeping track of everything, like if there was a host, how long he waited for a table, how long his food took to arrive, etc. It was almost like he was a secret shopper. Except he wasn’t. He was the former CEO of PF Chang, the upscale Asian fusion chain, and most recently head of operations with another major restaurant concept firm. Oh, and he’s only 35 years old.

Along the way, he observed what was working and what wasn’t. And although details are sketchy, he and the company became acquainted, so much so that they lured him away to become their new CEO. Did I say that he’s only 35? Oh yeah, I did. But that’s the main part of the inspiration.

Today, a new owner is poised to take the reins of Red Lobster, and Adamolekun is ready to start making strategic moves to right this ship. In a recent podcast episode of The Journal, he outlined his plans. He gives himself a year to make all the necessary changes, and hopes to start showing the fruits of his efforts in the second year, an ambitious plan to save a company that truly was—and still is—in a world of hurt. Do give a listen to that pod, because it’s a great one, and is only 18 minutes of your day. Be like your prof and listen while working out.

As for the new Red Lobster, you can kiss that unlimited shrimp deal away. While he plans to still offer value meals, they won’t be the kind that bleed cash. That same shrimp deal also caused major problems in the kitchen, with so much focus on one item that it cost them efficiencies in other areas. Furthermore, erratic staffing and wage scales that did not match local conditions further hurt the firm. He plans to change all that.

And who is this Adamolekun? He’s Nigerian-born to a neurologist and pharmacist, and was educated at Harvard. He has lived in Zimbabwe, the Netherlands, Springfield Illinois, and Columbia Maryland. Not bad for such a young man of the world. While some may think he was born into advantage—I do envy his lineage—he still represents the dreams of every young business student I have ever met. Can you imagine being CEO of PF Chang at the age of 30?

I can’t even. And he is credited with turning that company around. It’s no surprise that Adamolekun is viewed as a miracle worker. He’s got the Midas touch.

Let’s see how that touch works at Red Lobster. A lobster’s claws can wield crushing force, but he is intent not to let that happen to him. Remember, he went looking at them on the sly earlier this year, long before his new gig materialized. He must have seen some potential amid the chaos.

That’s your marching orders, my students. Find the potential amid the chaos, and you will go far, whatever your age. Just don’t expect anyone to feed you all the shrimp you could eat.

Dr “For The Seafood Lover In You” Gerlich

Audio Blog

[savefilescomng12]

Hooters Closes Several 'Underperforming' Restaurants Due to 'Market Conditions'

Hooters is shutting down several of its restaurants, PEOPLE can confirm. The chain known for wings and barely-there uniforms is facing closures as a result of “market conditions,” according to a spokesperson from the brand. “Like many restaurants under pressure from current market conditions, Hooters has made the difficult decision to close a select number of underperforming stores,” a Hooters spokesperson said in a statement to PEOPLE. “Ensuring the well-being of our staff is our priority in these rare instances.” They did not specify the number of locations, but CNN reports it is "several dozen" in states like Florida, Kentucky, Rhode Island, Texas and Virginia. The Hooters spokesperson said the company is experiencing plenty of growth at this time too, highlighting Hooters frozen product launches at grocery stores and new restaurants opening in different domestic cities and abroad. "This brand of 41 years remains highly resilient and relevant,” the statement continued. “We look forward to continuing to serve our guests at home, on the go and at our restaurants here in the U.S. and around the globe.” Hooters. Getty Hooters isn’t the only food chain announcing closures in recent months. In May, Red Lobster revealed they plan on shutting at least 48 locations around the country. They filed for bankruptcy that same month. TAGeX Brands’ CEO, Neal Sherman, shared in a LinkedIn post about how his company handled liquidating restaurant equipment via auctions. The restaurant closures span several states. According to Sherman, the auctions are the company’s “largest restaurant liquidation ever,” including furniture, fixtures and equipment. But Red Lobster has since announced new campaigns, including one with Flavor Flav, who helped Red Lobster announce that Crabfest is officially back. The hip-hop legend is a fan of the chain. After the bankruptcy news, Flavor Flav revealed that he had visited one location and, in an effort to keep their famous Cheddar Bay Biscuits around, made a huge purchase. “Ordered the whole menu," he said at the time. Source link Read the full article

[chongoblog]

Sure!

For context first, I want to say that this was part of a fun challenge I had Red give me. Basically I wanted to cook more, so I had Red give me a Single Ingredient that I had to use for a meal, and then that day I'd get stuff for it. The ingredient in question was cheddar cheese

Biscuits: Found this one online, admittedly. Mostly because I'd never made biscuits before (hell I'd never made my own dough!!), so I found a recipe for Red Lobster cheddar biscuits. Here's a link to it. I followed it pretty closely (including the topping), with some exceptions, like subbing in garlic salt for the garlic powder and salt. I personally feel like I left it in the over for a little long, but they still turned out great, and I'm especially proud with how my very first biscuits turned out! And I managed to use the cheddar cheese that I needed to use!

Green Beans: So one thing you'll learn as I post these recipes (which, who knows, maybe I'll post these more regularly) is that I LOVE sautee-ing things. And these green beans are no exception. I put some spoonfuls of butter in a pan along with some garlic, salt, some pepper, heated it up, and just sauteed these bad boys for a while. I did forget to cut off the tips, which I won't forget next time. The big trick is to make sure that they soak up the flavor of that garlic and butter while still keeping that crunch. I feel like I could've kept em on longer, since they were still SUPER crunchy, but that might just be my sensitive teeth talking.

Shrimp: After the green beans are done, I covered em up with a paper towel to try and keep em warm, and I use the same pan I used for the beans to cook the shrimp. After all, the garlic and butter I figured would do WONDERS for the shrimp. I did add a hearty dose of lemon juice to the pan for cooking the shrimp in as well. I got the shrimp raw and already peeled, because frankly, I was already doing a bunch of stuff I hadn't done before, so I didn't wanna have to add a whole other step.

Something else to note is that after it was all said and done, there was a fun little mix of butter, garlic and lemon juice that the shrimp was cooking in, and I poured that shit on the green beans and shrimp. And if that wasn't good enough, some of it pooled up on my plate, and dipping the biscuit in that was NEXT LEVEL.

Anyway, glad I did this fun little challenge. I'll probably do it again and make more stuff. Hope you all enjoy me slowly turning into a cooking blog, I guess lmao.

Red Lobster ain’t got shit on me tbh

[angrilymanaging]

I was scrolling F.B earlier, and came across a video of “The Game” and the caption was something along the lines of protecting your energy. Naturally I didn’t watch it because I’m a person that protects my energy, but it got me thinking like, didn’t you just make a woman, drink coffee from a discarded Starbucks cup you dug out of the garbage last year? Not even for money, some kind of high end hand bag, and you, on here talkin love and light, Jacion please shut up.

I was just having a conversation with my S.O. About what would be done winning millions of dollars in a lottery, I believe it sparked because I hands down am starting to believe that celebrities really are trash. Like in my personal opinion, and crazy as people want me to sound, I have reason to believe these people have takin personal shots at me, and I don’t really appreciate it. I have never even met you. For one most of them are people I admired like I have their music on my phone type sh’t and I sing their songs word for word. I don’t know though and I listen to music like when I cook and clean but I’m starting to not really be that big on it, I don’t listen to the radio EVER, and most of these artists are really winning awards because there is no one else to give them too. I don’t follow them anymore, like once I get a whiff of their personality, I still like the music that I have from you on my phone, but… I don’t think I would be starstruck if we were ever in the same room, I would definitely be the only person still at the fruit platter, I wouldn’t want to really meet you, or take pictures nothing, because I find you to be trash as a person. That is really sad too because, I have seen videos where people admire these celebs, and upon meeting them are treated poorly by them. Which I can see happening, because it’s happened to me. Anyway, I was saying that if we were to come into money like that right, we would be able to eat in the same restaurants as these people, probably party in the same venues as them. I would respectfully decline. I would rather build up my dream life, with everything I needed in my house so that I wouldn’t have to be bothered. I don’t drink a whole lot, I don’t smoke weed anymore, and I have never done a no no drug in my life. I could only imagine, being around elements like them would be definitely inviting the devil into my life, and no thanks in a big way. I have had my fair share of experience with popular people, and I think that is where the problem lies with me, I have no desire to eat at tables with them to rub elbows, with phonies.

There was a thing a trend a while back like would you take 10 grand from Jay-Z or eat dinner with him. I always said I would gladly take the dinner, simply because I know that it is going to be the best steak, seafood and mashed potatoes I ever ate, and the bread would be the rich peoples equivalent to a cheddar bay biscuit from Red Lobster. The Pink Moscato would be chilled to perfection, and the Vodka and Caviar would be fire. I dont really eat dessert but if they served me some chocolate pudding I’m sure it would be Jell-o, not the snack pack. I really wouldn’t have much to say, but I would speak if spoken too, aaaand I’m eating all of my food, cleaning the plates. I would never be embarrassed. I would take the dinner because really 10 Grand is not a lot of money. I could spend that in a couple days especially if I did the right thing. You would only get really one chance, especially being a person like me, with no real ties to the industry, to eat dinner with Jay. He gave birth to two Billionaires, he is the only one who could get me to go anywhere, no questions asked, and if he had any advice for me leaving the dinner, I would take it period, cause he is the only person at this point who could say anything to me lol.

My experience with popular people has not been a great one. I hear all the time that oh, he/she is cool. I love them they are so great they are the best. Those types of words come as red flags for me now. Turns out when I meet people they turn out to be a P.O.S. And the person giving them all this praise is really a know nothing brown noser. I am who I am and I am a different type of person. I gossip, and before this point in my life, I’ve only really talked about people, to the people close to me, the people close to me would be talking about someone else, and I would add my 2 cents, and then the people talking would be in conversation, with the same people they had just been talking about with me, not only, not saying what they had talked to me about, but talking about me, and telling them everything I had said. I currently am not really entertaining the idea of having friends, because of this reason. So now, when everyone else is bragging on someone else, or talking sh’t about someone, not only do I not want to be bothered, but I also have nothing to say. I don’t usually like cool kids, and they don’t like me, and that’s fine. People, especially people I know personally, like to name drop around the town, who they know, how they know them, and how great they are. But I’ve grown to understand that if they know them, like I know you, they are not all that wonderful, and if they find favor in the type of person you are, I will never be able to really get along with them. I saw a quote that said “ if someone knows they have done you wrong, they will avoid you” why does that have to be? Why can’t it be that I know what type of person you are, with hints you tried to give, or a cheap shot you tried to take, that you think I did’t hear, or one you said out loud, I know was about me, but instead of continuing on, I decided to stop f’cking with you. Just like you have an opinion about me, that is unbecoming of me, I have opinions of you that are unbecoming, and because you are a “good guy” to everyone else, you can’t stand the thought of anyone not liking you. I don’t care , about being liked anymore, I really could care less about the Idea of people liking me. You probably met the damaged, and broken side of me, while I was a people pleaser, and the healed, and regenerated version of me, wants you to kiss my ass.

It’s funny too, I’m chuckling about it now, cause you meet someone, or start hanging out with a person, and they have some kind of status and they call themselves bringing you around some “cool” people, and they are just as demonic as the m’fker you around. One thing I learned about popular people, or like locally famous, or globally famous people too, they can’t stand for you to not know who they are, they feel entitled to recognition, and they are used to people kissing their ass and when you don’t for whatever reason, something is wrong with you, and your’e a hater. In those situations, I am the problem though, because I don’t care who you are, I don’t kiss nobody ass, and I am nobody’s fan. That’s how it is when you are friends with people like that. I want no parts. I never want to be “down” again. It’s not even love and light with these folks. It’s hatred and LED strips from the dollar tree. They aren’t even really “friends” with the friends they have. They don’t even like them. I never even understood how that could be a case.

[astarkey]

Rules: Tag 10 people you want to get to know better!

I was tagged by @finalgirllaurie! Thank you so much for tagging me, lovely!!! 🤗💖

Favorite time of the year: Spring! I’m a spring girl, I was born in spring, and it’s something about the spring air that makes things feel lively, y’know? Plus, it’s not too hot and not too cold either, like the weather is just right. I just really connect with that season.

Comfort food: Mac & cheese, chicken alfredo pasta, mashed potatoes, general tso’s chicken, pizza, tacos, shrimp fettuccine alfredo, garlic bread, parmesan bread bites, cobb salads, buffalo chicken, french onion soup, cookies, bacon, bananas, Red Lobster’s cheddar bay biscuits, beef lo mein, and golden shrimps.

Do you collect anything? Not really, unless I guess physical copies of cd’s, but it depends if I really really love the album and need it in my life to keep. Seems the only thing I really collect nowadays lol.

Favorite drink: Strawberries & creme frappuccino, peach iced tea, sprite, and white peach ginger bubly.

Favorite music artists (going with current ones, too, because I always name the same people lol): Tamino, Thornhill, Failure, Sleep Token, Kehlani, Crosses, Reignwolf, Placebo, Wolf Alice, Queens of the Stone Age, Nine Inch Nails, Alice in Chains, Metallica, etc.

Current favorite songs:

The Offering // Sleep Token

The Lost Art of Keeping a Secret // Queens of the Stone Age

Animals // Deaf Radio

Lipstick on the Glass // Wolf Alice

Sugar // Sleep Token

All I Really Want Is You // The Marías

Christian Woman // Type O Negative

You Know What You Are? // Nine Inch Nails

Atlantic // Sleep Token

The End Is the Beginning Is the End // Smashing Pumpkins

People Are Strange // Echo & the Bunnymen

Running Up That Hill // Placebo

Silo // Citizen

The Silent Acquiescence of Millions // Sinch

Cardboard Box // Flo

Favorite fics: I’m just gonna go with fanfics because I haven’t picked up a book in years lmfao. And most of these are sethkate fics and I know I made a post of my favorite sethkate fics like 5 years ago, but these are most recent after I made that list lmao. So here’s a few that I still haven’t stopped thinking about.

Nothing in Common // quiet_rebel

Adventures at the Mexican No-Tell Motel // Annfan

Wild Youth // @alwaysupatnight

Sour Cherry // gutsforgarters

in the dark, with you // @imaginedfables

When I met you in the Summer // @lilmissuncreative (can I also say that the other fic you’re working on is automatically my favorite? because I love it like thiiiiiiiis much 💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗)

Tagging: @onyxheartbeat, @lexihoward, @heatherannchristie, @musicrunsthroughmysoul, @bentcoppers, @bensonstablers, @veemelancholy, @blondiest, @alwaysupatnight, @lilmissuncreative, @soundgrrrden, @archeryqueen95, @artthurshelby, and anyone else who wants to do this!!! 🤗💖

[jimmymcgools]

then i will go ham 🙏💖 thank you @aminta

“Do you ever get sick of Red Lobster, June?”

June turns. “Oh, huh!” She seems as if she really appreciates the question. “Well, when I was pregnant with Toby, I had such naughty cravings for their biscuits. I must’ve eaten about a hundred a week, I was always sending Josh out to buy a dozen as soon as they opened.”

due to popular demand i’ve bought the ingredients to try to make a knock-off version of these. i got the buttermilk on sale and it expires soon so watch this space. 

also i unironically love june and really enjoy shoving various traits of my own coworkers & office job into these sprinkler sections. 

She lands in Albuquerque before dawn. It feels as if she’s slinking unseen into the city, hidden from it while it hides from her. No shadows of the Sandias are visible against the horizon, no twisting Rio Grande cutting through the dry land. In the darkness, the plane wheels seem to touch down in her own stomach, a heavy landing that bumps and skids over the tarmac before settling like lead on the Earth.

an abq plane landing always feels special to me because it’s how acb starts 🥺

It’s a clean slate kind of city. Emerging from the hot dust like an iron from a forge, still hissing.

And when she lived here, she was a clean slate, too. She was level and she was making something of herself, growing and growing. She was coral snakes in the shade, eyes glittering.

these commentaries are always so self indulgent but it feels really cool to like... i dont know. i think about years ago writing a scene where kim and jimmy sit on the trunk of her car and she talks about how the desert is clean and sterile. and now here we are and that still feels right and still feels important. 

also i had ‘eyes blinking’ here for days and then genius i am i had to google whether snakes can blink or not, and i guess they can’t blink or WHATEVER they have no EYELIDS who CARES. but i changed it anyway. 

The sun climbs above them, spilling warm light over her skin, over the bare land.

i wanted it to look like morning over the sandias 😔

Kim sees the severe woman in her empty house, leaning on the back of a chair just to stay upright. “She wants—”

—a shadowed room, with light carving slices from peeling walls and metal tables. A cigarette and a lie and familiar eyes and his name in her mouth again. A time capsule and a time machine and the words come falling out—

“She wants her husband back.”

the more i work on it the more i’m struck by this post-canon era being an era of women and their lost husbands. cheryl and marie and skyler etc etc. 

so the idea of there being this like... obviously cheryl would literally like howard back in the world of the living. but jimmy never left that world for kim, yet she still got her husband back. so this thought of how someone can be lost to you in more than one way, i guess? cheryl lost howard in every way--his life was taken, and the reality of who he was as a man was taken from the world, too. 

it’s all something i hope i can explore more over the course of the story. 

Jimmy’s palms rest tentatively on her back, the faintest pressure, as if he wants to make sure she knows he’s willing to let her go again.

jimmy imagines his hands as hovering birds a couple of times in the safs cicero chapter, and i thought about it here. 

Her arms come up around him, and she presses her cheek into his shoulder. He floats his hands over her back for a moment, hovering birds, and then he finally lowers them, touching. She’s warm against him.

“Jimmy,” she murmurs. “I’m sorry about your mom.”

just like. i don’t know. it’s the same hug. 

always the same hug. 

And the flickering bulb above them seems like it’s inside him now, a quivering light over his face, his shielding fingers. “I didn’t think you could keep coming here like this for much longer.”

“Well,” Kim murmurs, “that’s why we’re a team.” And she smiles, so slowly. “I figured out how.”

things that were genuinely a relief for ME to figure out! i didn’t want to rush kim becoming a lawyer, so. this felt nice. 

“Sometimes I was better,” he says, finally. “But I never could figure out being better all the time…”

i said this in a reply to a comment somewhere, but i feel like such a key part of jimmy’s entire character journey is like... how little he’s ever felt content in his current circumstances. 

like, even writing pre-canon stuff, i found jimmy almost always was thinking that things would be better soon, or things used to be better. even the early days of the mailroom were uncomfortable for him at the time but only became rose-coloured afterwards. 

so that’s something he’s thinking about now, now that he’s got plenty of time to think. 

And Jimmy lingers on it for a second, as if still debating whether to say it, as if holding on to this moment before he finally answers: “Skyler White.”

GIRLS LOVE A CLIFFHANGER

[ashintheairlikesnow]

Ash what are your thoughts on pet daycare centers? (similar to those dog daycare places) -theo-

BBU runs a series of pet daycares in major cities in their most active countries, part of a pilot program aimed at expanding to smaller locales that meet a specific number of pet owners for qualification.

They are safe, clean, respectable, and staffed by friendly employees who are highly-trained in how to provide positive reinforcement during your human pet's stay.

Boarding ranges from $50 per night to more than $500 per night, depending on the level of accommodation you require and the length of the stay. Any stay longer than seven days receives a discounted rate, and no owner will pay more than $5500 per month for very long-term boarding needs.

When you enter, you'll be greeted by our front desk attendant, who will confirm the paperwork you filled out online prior to your visit to ensure all details are correct. You'll be asked:

- Numbers of meals per day (each pet receives one full meal at midday unless otherwise specified, plus two snacks)

- Quality of meal (default meals include one protein, two vegetables, and one carbohydrate with the example of grilled chicken breast, roasted mixed vegetables, mashed potatoes, and bread roll. Breakfast option, if multiple meals are chosen, includes dry cereal with milk and fruit salad. Dinner will be a repeat of whatever was served for lunch.

Luxury meals will include an added fee unless built in to our Luxury Pet Stay. Luxury meals might include fettucine alfredo with shrimp and broccoli, pork carnitas with rice and beans, lobster tails with butter and garlic, plus asparagus and chive biscuits, chicken and dumplings with mixed vegetables, red lentil soup with freshly baked bread, or other varieties. Owners will be given a series of menu options to circle. Luxury stays include dessert, which can range from New York-style cheesecake with cherry sauce to ice cream sundaes and more.

- Any known allergies, to medication, food, or otherwise. Meal plans can be tailored to avoid allergens, gluten, or to meet any other dietary needs such as vegan meals.

- Accommodation comfort: Owners can choose to have their pet sleep on the floor, in a cot, or in a full-size bed. Room sizes range from the same as their Facility rooms during training to the Pethouse Penthouse, three of which are available, which are 15 feet by 21 feet in size and also have an included full bath with Jacuzzi-style tub.

- Each pet is provided with one single pillow and one blanket unless staying in the Pethouse Penthouse. Extra pillows or blankets cost additional fees.

- Heating or cooling above or below the set temperature of 65 degrees Fahrenheit will cost extra.

- Each pet will have mandatory access to the fitness center, which includes treadmills, weight machines, ellipticals, stationary bicycles, and free weights. Yoga and pilates classes are offered twice per day for an added fee.

- Pets will be separated by Designation, with no interaction between designations at any time.

- Group activities are planned, and designed to suit the pet's skill levels.

- Romantics whose stay lasts longer than a week may have an in-house Romantic assigned to them for personalized physical attention.

- Collars are required, even if the pet does not wear one in everyday life.

- If needed, discipline ranges from electric shock to isolation in the Discipline Cell to being removed from our daycare and taken to the nearest WRU Facility to await their owner's return under a certified Handler's supervision.

- Pets may have one phone call per day with owner, if requested. Additional calls or contact require added fees.

- Cameras are installed in every room and throughout our daycare. Each owner will be given a personalized link to a live feed of their pet's location at every given moment. Each pet wears a bracelet during their stay that ensures the owner has access to a camera that is currently tracking their movements, regardless of where they may be.

At WRU, we know that while you are traveling for business to less pet-friendly locations, remodeling, or otherwise unable to have your devoted pet by your side, they may need a place to rest their head.

But they should never be more than a click away from you.

[honeytea8]

✨✨La Squadra Boyfriend Headcanons✨✨

[Alexa, play Boyfriend by Big Time Rush]

Guys, I spend an ungodly amount of time thinking about La Squadra, so here are some bf headcanons for the sexiest group of assassins in Naples. No one asked but I am bringing it straight to your dash anyway! (under the cut for length lmao)

I’m going to start with Prosciutto, who has recently fallen on my radar pretty heavy! 

He’s a good and decent boyfriend, if not a busy one. Not that he doesn’t care about the relationship, but most of his energy was going to Passione things before you waltzed in and so he’ll struggle a bit between his work responsibilities and maintaining his relationship with you, but only in the beginning. 

If you are also a part of Passione, it’s a hell of a lot easier to manage. 

I see Prosciutto as the gift-giving type: lingerie, sweets, perfume, designers, etc. His salary isn’t the best, but he manages it as well as he can just to accommodate you! 

I just can’t get the idea out of my head that Pro was raised by a strict mama, that’s why he can be a bit of a stickler sometimes. He’ll catch you still lounging in bed at nine am, and be like “Why are you still in bed? Get dressed, we’re going out.” Dude!

I’m sorry to say, but Prosciutto is absolutely the ‘lecturing’ type. (He lectured someone in nearly every scene in the anime, Formaggio once and Pesci numerously and Bucci too) 

He will lecture you when you make mistakes, especially because as his s/o, he has high expectations for you and believes you’re capable of so much more. It’s never, ever out of hate. He loves you, and that’s why he chides you a bit lol. 

This does not negate the fact that he doesn't mind when you lean on him for support. He likes when you count on him, because he always comes through especially for you!

Depending on whether you’re in the mafia or not, I totally see him sparring with you, or working out with you in an effort to make you tough. Prosciutto wants you to be able to defend yourself, just in case. If you complain, he’ll tell you, “Better safe than sorry, tesoro”.

Prosciutto will respect you, period.

A good listener, goddamn! He’s up there with Risotto when it comes to who listens to their s/o more! If you have an issue, he’ll hear you out and offer advice if you want it. If you give him advice, he’ll take it into serious consideration. He’s honestly a good partner, can’t stress that enough.

Finally, sex with Pro is an entire event. Romantic dinner, candles lit, wine, the whole nine yards before he gives you nine inches of something else :) (I’m kidding!! Lmao, kinda). 

But as I said, Prosciutto is quite deliberate, and a bit of a perfectionist. He knows what to do and how to do it, you can trust him.

Ghiaccio is next only because he’s my favorite. 

The ice gremlin is probably the most interesting (and hilarious) boyfriend out of the bunch (I say this with only a tidbit of bias). He isn’t funny himself, but funny shit just happens to him. 

Because of this, he will use you as a soundboard when everyone else refuses to listen to him. He’s got a lot to say, so be prepared for his TEDtalks. LMAO!

It will take some perception on your part to notice when he actually expects a response from you, and other times he’s just ranting to get his point out. 

He will correct your grammar when you text, but barely notices when he makes a similar mistake (his brain moves in mph). Please use the proper names like Venezia, Italia, Roma and Napoli when talking to this man; save yourself from the headache.

When it comes to dates, please have mercy on him, he’s a textbook over-thinker! You’ll just have to plan something simple at home for you both to enjoy. 

He isn’t incapable of planning dates, but he’ll want everything to be so absolutely perfect for his s/o and will throw a fit when it ultimately isn’t. 

Contrary to popular belief, I think that Ghiaccio is a pretty attentive partner. He’s super intelligent and I think a part of it stems from his innate ability to read people (I’m referencing the part in the anime where he deduced what Giorno and Mista had come to look for, while going off very little information). 

The more time he spends with you, the better he gets at it. 

His form of affection will be shown through the amount of time you both spend together. When it comes to sex or anything related to that, be gentle and slow as Ghiaccio will likely be a flustered mess. 

As he becomes more comfortable and confident, he will be bolder and just ask out right if you’ll suck him off tonight or not. The man appreciates directness, so don’t bother being coy. “You want me to give you head? Cool, lay down a towel or something.” is what he’ll probably say.

Very practical 👌🏾👌🏾

Melone, good lord, he’s kind of perfect. 

A bit of a doting boyfriend here and there—very much concerned about your health. Expect him to ask if you’ve eaten, or taken your multivitamin. How are your bowel movements?  LMAO

It can become a bit much, but he really genuinely cares. He’s not asking to be intrusive or nasty! If he was, you’d know. 🤣

But I seriously consider Melone to be the one (at least among La Squadra) who is way, way invested in his relationships. He will know every little detail about you; will ask you lots of questions and expects you to ask him just as many. 

This may be annoying to some, but this dude will definitely bring up your horoscope in an argument. He’ll be like “I honestly can’t fathom why you’re being this way, though it’s to be expected from a libra.” 

Peg this bitch so he can shut up.  

Melone is also touchy as hell, but not in a clingy way. He loves touching, and just to tag onto the headcanon about his partial blindness, I want to say that he’s so touchy because that’s how he ‘sees’ you best.

Just know that half the time, he isn’t touching you to be lecherous, even if he genuinely does like the feel of your skin under his fingertips. Melone will even encourage you to touch him back. 

Rub his thigh or back and he’ll be simping.

He is obsessed with your legs, and will paint your toes if you let him. 

LOVES PDA! Melone will also tongue-kiss you in public if you let him!

Notice how I keep saying ‘if you let him’. Give him an inch and he’ll press you for a mile, so if there are boundaries you would like to establish, please do, cuz he sure as hell won’t, just saying!

When it comes to sex, Melone is a dick and coochie sensei. Oral is his favorite thing to do, probably enjoys giving more than receiving to be honest. I’d say he’s pretty much mastered sex for what it is. 

That being said, if he’s ever talking out of his neck, just invite him to put his mouth to better use. He’ll even thank you for your gracious request.

Formaggio is next 💀 

According to my JoJo compatriots from discord, he’s like the Optimus Prime of fuckboi’s so let’s ride that wave for a bit! LMAO

I hope it doesn’t come as a surprise that Formaggio is pretty shameless. He will send you a dick pic on Sunday morning before church and have the audacity to say “Just wanted to bless you real quick”. 

@autumn-kouhai mentioned him giving his s/o sickly sweet pet names and I just have to agree. 

Expect to be hit upside the head with: baby-boo, sugar plum, honey bunches, sweetums. I can imagine them becoming really ridiculous too like “the last piece of red velvet cake” or “cheddar bae biscuits from Red Lobster”

His catch phrase is “Got nudes?”

Send them, and he won’t be afraid to reply with something equally sexy. 

Be warned though, he will stockpile whatever you send him and then be careless with his phone. If you don’t mind Illuso’s snoopy ass seeing your nudes then by all means, have at it. Otherwise, send them through snapchat, so they disappear later. 

As far as La Squadra boyfriends go, he’s the most fun! Y’all don’t even go anywhere because man’s is broke. BUT, Formaggio knows how to have a good time without any need to spend money (my kind of dude tbh) you guys just crank up the tunes, dance, and get lit until the neighbors complain. 

Formi is also the CEO of jokes/memes, and will have you in absolute tears almost always! I literally tell my friends that funny guys are so dangerous, don’t sleep on them! They will make you laugh until your panties drop, it’s magic, I swear. Formaggio has that same energy. 

No matter how bad of a day his s/o is having, rest assured, he will draw the biggest laugh out of you.

Besides his fuckboi tendencies, his most redeeming quality is the fact that he’s super cool and fun to hang with. You’ll literally have a good time, always, because his energy is right! Very good vibes around this man, I swear! It’ll be exactly like dating your best friend, because essentially, he will be your bestie.

Formi has many moments of tenderness that aren’t sexually charged too—moments where the jokes stop and he’ll just rub your back or feet, this is usually when you aren’t feeling well and need some quiet. 

However, Formaggio won’t let you mope all day, he’ll pull out the big guns and call you his “sweetie baby” and when you try to resist he’ll say “What, I’m just tryna show you some love.”

He’s a good dude lmao I’d date a guy like him irl 😭

Pesci stans wya??! Let’s get into this baby boy. 

Pesci is boyfriend material, idgaf what anyone says. 

He is pretty much the least problematic to be with among all of La Squadra, even more so than Risotto (don’t argue with me). 

Pesci is hyper aware of your likes and dislikes and will literally go out of his way to make sure that you’re well and okay. 

Arguments are basically nonexistent and if they occur it ain’t coming from his side. 

I also think that Pesci has a lot of empathy, so when you’re going through something, he’s right there in the thick of it with you. If you’ve seen that meme that goes ‘when my gf is on her period it’s UterUS’ lmao that’s Pesci’s energy 100%. 

Sometimes, he’s more of a lover and not a fight, that is perfectly okay!

However, if someone tries up his s/o, say farewell to Mr. Niceguy. He will defend your honor to his dying breath. And with you in his corner, trust me, he’s not going down. 

A romantic at heart, Pesci will plan little date trips like picnics in the park or boat trips to Capri, actually, I’d like to point out that he excels in the art of date planning. If you’re the adventurous type, he’ll plan outings where you both will be more active, like biking through the city or renting a mop-ed and going sight-seeing. 

Because Pesci has a sensitive stomach, he’s very much considerate of what you both put in your bodies. If you have dietary restrictions or allergies, this guy knows all about it and will cater to you perfectly. 

A true gentleman through and through, he will never force himself on you, ever. In fact, he really doesn’t like engaging in anything sexual when you’re drunk or high, sorry if you’re into that! 

Pesci is the kind of guy who keeps up with your favorite shows.

If ya’ll have similar taste in media or literature, he will immerse himself in it so that he can relate to you all the more.

If there’s anyone who will entertain anime-related discourse, no matter how nonsensical, it’s Pesci. And he isn’t just putting up with it, he’s actively engaging in the conversation so you are always heard and validated. 

He’s an A+ boyfriend, that’s all I gotta say! Haters can stay mad :)

Goddamn Illuso... idk man.

I really feel like you have to have thick/tough skin to handle this guy, for various reasons. 

The first being that Illuso can be a bit mean at first. He’ll push your buttons on purpose just to see what’ll make you tick. Will tease the living heck out of you, always, kind of a bully lmao but not to the extreme, it’s just his brand of humor—and the thing is, he won’t be mad when you dish it right back, so it’s cool. 

Secondly, Illuso has big dick energy!! 

I mean rightfully so, because he is indeed packing! But my word, he ain’t humble about it at all! 

He is not above making jokes about ‘splitting you in half’. In fact all of his jokes have hidden, dirty undertones! 

His affection is shown through speech mostly. Illuso will drop subtle innuendos and provocations, half to see you flustered and half because he wants you to know how much he wants you. 

Illuso isn’t incredibly vocal about his feelings outside of ‘I’m tryna hit that thang’ but you won’t doubt that he loves you because Illuso doesn’t waste his own time. 

If he’s spending his time with you, you can rest assured that it’s because he wants to. 

Illuso is a voyeur and you’ll just have to understand/accept that and move on. 

He loves watching you and will even creep over to your place through the mirror world just to hang or watch you do chores. Loves to surprise you and give you jump scares lmao it’ll make you a tad paranoid but it’s also fun. 

Illuso is prone to random bouts of sweetness; it’s very sporadic, very touch-and-go. 

One day, you’ll wake up to chocolates on your dresser or new shoes, lingerie, or makeup if you wear it. I imagine that if you’re low on funds, he will even help you buy your groceries that week. 

It’ll surprise the hell out of you, but that’s just how Illuso is. He enjoys keeping you on your toes! 

He’s prideful and smug as hell, so he will definitely expect a thank you, because even if he does it out of the kindness in his heart, he also wants to hear that you appreciate him

Same goes for the bedroom scene. Illuso loves making you vocal, it’s his favorite thing in the world, so he’ll make a game out of doing the things that get the biggest reaction out of you. Like I said, it's that big dick energy at work here, smh.

Sorbet and Gelato in a polyamorous relationship with you? Let’s get it! 

We don’t get anything substantial about these two except that Sorbet follows the money, so these are all personal headcanons for how I see and write them. 

Here’s the juice: when it comes to you as their s/o, these two are possessive as hell. You are theirs and that’s that on that! 😭 Don’t ask questions, just go with it.

Sorbet is the chill one of the duo. He can be a bit smug at times, but he’s mostly a laid back dude who doesn’t get bothered by much.

When it comes to you, Sorbet likes to spend quality time with you more than anything, and will ask you to cook for him at your place so he ain’t gotta spend money. Oh? Did I not mention that I kinda think of him as a cheapskate? Lmao cuz I do.

Sorbet will come by your place just to steal your coupons from the mail then head out; you’re not using ‘em so why should he let them go to waste?

Gelato is the complete opposite; personality wise, I headcanon him as a mix between Melone and Formaggio lmao

But it’s not as crazy as it sounds, he’s cute and outspoken like Melone, while maintaining a free-spirit like Formaggio. One quality that I like is that he’s quite devoted to you and Sorbet. If anyone crosses either of you, goodluck to them!

I like to think Gelato’s also just really boujee and high maintenance. He loves to pamper and be pampered. You and him tag-team Sorbet’s wallet and go on spa dates together at his expense (not that he ever really stood a chance)

While Sorbet is cool with just being in the same room as you, Gelato loves hugging/cuddling with you and Sorbet—will definitely fight for the middle spot between the two of you on the couch during movie nights.

He baby, so let him have it lol

In the bedroom, I would salute anyone with the guts to take the two of them on. They both lay down that work, period. 

Sorbet gets his kicks from teasing and edging you (his sadistic side comes out a bit), while Gelato loves when you give him extra TLC. To put it short, they know how to take care of you, so there are no issues there. 

Last but not least, Mr. Risotto Nero himself.

Man, idc on the lowest of keys, he seems a little bit like a grandpa to me

The type to sit at home and do crosswords, has a bird feeder in his yard and plays old Italian hits while washing the dishes. It’s very domestic 💀 (I find it cute, whatever!)

As a boyfriend, I can’t imagine him suddenly being spontaneous or outgoing unless you drag him out of his home/comfort zone.

Be patient with Mr. Nero, and he can come to surprise you

After a while, it won’t be just you dragging him out and about; one day he’ll ask you to come over and you’ll be greeted with a nice, traditional, homemade meal

Pay attention and you will notice him watching your face to see if you like his cooking 🥺

After seeing his fight with Doppio, I must admit that Risotto is very, very observant, almost scarily so.

I can totally picture him pointing out random things about his s/o that even they don’t know

One night, Risotto may come up to you and say “I talked to your neighbor about the dog, they’ll keep it inside now.” And you’re just staring like 😳 how did he know the barking was keeping you up at night????

He’s sweet, and will take good care of you as a boyfriend should.

Very good listener, won’t talk as much but will hang on to your every word, I promise. He could even recite it to you verbatim.

He’s a big dude, that ain’t news, so expect to be swallowed up in hugs and sometimes even picked up (as a tall girl myself, I simp!!!)

Gives A1 piggyback rides, lol

ALSO RISOTTO IS HUMBLE ASF!

Big dick energy, but on low volume 👏🏾 after all, he doesn’t need to do much talking, because a night with him is more than enough!

Listen babe, you better stretch, do some squats, and prep in whatever way you can before Mr. Nero gives you that work. 🤐

Lowkey a freak, but it’s well hidden behind his ‘quiet giant’ exterior

So, who are y'all dating? Personally, I’m going for Formaggio and Pesci hehe

[wazohoo]

hold on let me chronicle the crazy ass way i met my boyfriend rq:

- starts out with me being in highschool theatre. i was a bit of a slut (positive) and there were two boys who had crushes on me (this is important)

- one of them adds me to a discord (???) in order to win my affections (both of them are in this discord so im not sure what the plan was)

- the discord is basically split into two houses: one part is mostly theater kids from my highschool. the other, by some miracle, consists of boys from the local private school in our area*

*note: these two groups DESPISE one another. im not sure how the discord even worked to this day.

- the first guy introduces me to the private school boys, who are generally pretty cool and we get on pretty well

- one of the private school boys and i were chatting it up in dms, getting to know one another over our shared love or phantom of the paradise. he then asks me to a dance thats being hosted by their bougie ass school and offers to pay for dinner.

- i recognize “ah! this is a date type ordeal” and suddenly make the decision that while this dude is pretty cool, im way not into him like that, so i decline. he totally gets it and drops the subject

- a few days after this rejection i begin to regret turning him down, seeing as hes not a bad dude but more importantly after finding out the dinner would be at red lobster, and i can really fuck up some cheddar bay biscuits

- and suddenly, like an angel sent on high, one of my friends from the theatre company im in posts on her story what is, with lack of a better term, an advertisement for another boy our age on her instagram. now, this guy i recognize is in the aforementioned discord and also from the same private school as the first guy. however! the advertisement includes three things:

- his name and details

- the fact that he’s not a creep

- and the fact that he will pay for dinner

- so naturally, i slide up and ask for the deets. she gives them to me and a hit him up on discord. hes pretty awkward, seeing as we’ve literally never talked before, but we come to a mutual agreement that he needs a date and i need cheddar bay biscuits

- chaos ensues. my friends learn that im going on what is essentially a blind date with a rich private school boy and they are in shambles. my dating life is insane. the men are fuming. meanwhile, im picking out what dress will best cover the food baby i plan to have after eating about 17 cheddar bay biscuits.

- fast forward to the night in question. im looking great, i have a chin length bob, a tan velvet dress, and the ugliest fucking chunky velvet heels youve ever seen. the ensemble was truly a product of its time.

- as was tradition, all of the girls got ready at my house. one by one, their dates arrive (also private school boys.) one of the dates was the guy that first asked me to the dance. everyone arrives but one- my date.

- im checking the clock frantically, thinking “oh shit. ive been stood up” when suddenly a black honda civic rolls in. suddenly i am filled with dread as another teenage boy in a suit steps out. this is the most attractive man at the party, and holy shit, thats my date.

- now im panicking. the photos didnt do him justice. this guy was hot! i remember thinking “he didnt text like a hot guy? how is this possible” as hes walking in the door. his friends all greet him, and hes chatting with them until he walks over to me. we kind of mumble some greetings to eachother, both pretty awkward. the tension is palpable and everyone else is making fun of us until my mom walks in and demands pictures.

- we proceed to take what is, to this day, the funniest photo i have ever seen. there are two other couples on the group/ both of them are hugged up and clearly romantic in the photo. meanwhile me and the mystery man? a solid 5 feet apart. i wish i was kidding. it was like something out of a movie.

- after taking some horribly awkward photos we all move to get into our cars and head off to dinner. im sweating at this point. as i get into the mystery man’s car im panicking. my anxiety has set in- this outing is going to suck. it’s silent in the car for a good 30 seconds, only to be interrupted by

- “do you like music?” the question catches me off guard. what the fuck. ‘do you like music?’ what kind of question is that? i try to keep it together but suddenly im laughing. this would be extremely inappropriate- except now hes laughing too. i ask him what kind of question is that? and he replies i dont know, maybe you hate music. we’re laughing again

- several conversations happen in succession. we talk about the music. then we start talking about red lobster. this of course leads us to the song rock lobster, which he plays. we begin to talk about lobster economics and society under the sea. this is the strangest man ive met in my fucking life.

- we get to the red lobster and its an absolute blast. the food was terrible but the biscuits and the company are good. these are some of the funniest people ive ever met. i misjudged them, this table full of private school kids wasnt as bad as their reputation led me to believe.

- the dance goes equally well. me and the boy dont slow dance or anything but we knew it wasnt a ‘date’. i began to wish that it was. he wasnt a bad guy. one of the guys is wearing a pillows shirt under his suit. my guy was wearing a weezer shirt. pillows guy is breakdancing. the orderbs were fucking terrible. theres a photo booth. the whole thing is hosted in our local art museum and it is beautiful.

- were driving home, chronicling the wvents of the night. it was superb. as were driving back to my house he gets silent. were about to turn into my driveway when he blurts out “do you want to do this again?” i say yes. our first date is, keeping in theme, olive garden. we have been dating since.

[randall-lloyd]

I love Kevin’s transparent! Please tell me about her! What’s her favorite food? I love the orange of her nails :)

Ah, momma loralie

She is of course, Kevin's other parental unit.

She was born with a condition that hadn't been seen in her bloodline for over 200 years [according to older relatives of hers] which is a birthmark that tends to dominate huge portions of the body, in this case her left half. She is a simple lady, but for the first 12 years of Kevin's life [+the years before] she was not his mother but his father. She married Harley when theyd both turned 18 and were released into the world too early with no money or home. Luckily a woman from a very highly regarded family gave the two what they needed, but those things did not exactly fix other issues. Loralie always does her best to make Harley happy, but unfortunately it's not that easy. After Loralie came out, she was lucky to still be able to live in that same house, but she was no longer considered to be Harley's spouse any longer. Nevertheless she still referred to Harley as her wife because she still loves that woman. They never divorced nor separated and so Loralie can still. technically do that. Its not like Harley's asked her to stop. Loralie doesnt like when people tell lies. She is a very honest person and does not appreciate being lied to. Especially by her son. She loves Kevin and just wants what's best for him, even if he occasionally calls her "Dad" [which she isnt opposed to. She finds it brings a sense of normality. She does not force Kevin to call her "Mom" if he doesnt want to.] Loralie's favorite color is spearmint gum green, her favorite sound is pages turning in a large book, and her favorite food is cheddar biscuits. [think the ones from Red Lobster but entirely 100% homemade]

[justanotherpersonsuniverse]

There you stand, waiting for the gates to open. In your hand rests the weight of your weapon. You hold it, dragging it behind you once the gate creeks and let's you through. You step out and wait as your eyes adjust to the light.

There you stand, the arena known as The Archive, and you watch as people in the stands cheer and burst with the thought of another bloody battle.

You look to your side, and there stands your ally for this fight, all you know of them is their alias Biscuits and their weapon. It's a large sledgehammer, seeming to hold a motif of lobsters.

Across from you the gates of your opponents opens, and out walks the two you fight against this time.

One of an obvious stronger build, he weilds a flail in one hand, and a small but hefty hammer in the other. Movements indicate the hammer is favored. Seems he is fond of doing much angst, but at least offers comfort occasionally.

The other is pushed in, they hold a chainsaw on his back this time. The few times you've seem him has all been with with same hammer, flowing red and spiked to make splatters pain the floor.

The speakers overhead buzz on, announcing to the audience the fighters below.

"Round One, Kryptid and Biscuits versus Bad and Dragon. Fight"

-💙

YOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

[ela-loomis]

Hello! May I please get a matchup?

I’m an INTP bi female, standing at 5’3.

Personality wise I can be rather reserved. I’m logical and curious and keep most of my emotions hidden, not the biggest fan of the vulnerability they cause. However I tend to get angry easy yet despite this I do try my hardest to keep an calm composure. I would like to call myself wise and I aim to be someone people can go to with their troubles. I also tend to be rather passionate in love and deeply romantic, think of it as a sort of wildfire if you will. Perhaps this stems from a lack of love throughout my early years in life haha.

I’m studying both history and philosophy and care greatly for both. I also write poetry in my spare time along with other forms of writing and art. I also like reading and films (though more the analysis of the latter) and can tell you every single bit of trivia from lotr lmao.

My love language is a mix of quality time and physical touch and in a relationship I think I would provide and sense of understanding and home perhaps.

Thank you!

Hello Ducky, yes you may! Sorry I kept you waiting for so very long :'(

I ship you with...

Jason Dean!

- You two are a match made in heaven (or hell, depending on who you ask.) Passionate and quick to anger, yet logical and calm/collected? You and JD are two halves of the same tortured soul.

- He's fascinated by your love of philosophy, and nothing is more enjoyable for him than getting into deep philosophical discussions with you. He also loves to listen to you talk about historical subjects, though he doesn't understand a lot of it.

- While he's more of a "let me burn the world to show you my love" type of romantic, he isn't opposed to being the "I went to 6 floral shops to find your favourite flowers and I bought you an entire case of Red Lobster biscuits" type, as long as it's a special occasion, like your birthday or anniversary.

- Like you, he's not fond of being vulnerable, and it will take a very long time for him to show you any of his emotions outside of his all-consuming infatuation for you. This also extends to his craving for affection, so don't expect him to let you cling to him when you first get together.

- When his walls come down, though? You've got yourself a human octopus. He holds onto you like you're going to float away if he lets go. He's also going to let you in on the chaos in his mind, so it's a good thing you're comfortable listening to others' troubles.

- Of course, he extends the same kindness to you; he'll happily sit with your head in his lap and listen to you vent about all the troubles in your life. Should someone you complain about regularly go missing, he doesn't know anything about it. He's totally innocent. Don't look at him like that!

- He wants to hear all the LOTR trivia. He also wants to break down all the movies that are popular at the moment with you. Intelligence is the first thing he looks for in a person, so the fact that you enjoy analyzing films is just. Perfect. Chef's kiss. He's obsessed.

- You'll have to pry it out of his cold dead hands, but he's absolutely written romantic poetry about you. He won't rest until he reads your poetry, though! Oh, come on! Fine, you can ready one of the poems he's written about you, okay? Okay, now LET HIM READ YOURS GIMME GIMME GIMME -

- At the end of the day, he loves you much more than he's capable of showing, and he only hopes that you don't mind waiting for him to open up to you. And if you get impatient? He'll make sure the wait is entertaining.

[wasdiamond]

@son-oftheuniverse​​

❛ The fucking bread sticks are like the dime-a-dozen whores. You pull up, you flash some money. It doesn't matter which one gets in, they're all the same. Okay, that's the bread sticks. You get the cheddar biscuits, that's exotic! That's, like, from the Philippines or it's, like, from Japan. They're better than bread sticks, they're delicious, you can't get them anywhere else. I don't even like Red Lobster and I'll go there just for the cheddar biscuits. And if I'm gonna go there, you're gonna go there 'cause they're amazing. YOU WILL NEVER GO TO OLIVE GARDEN JUST FOR THE BREAD STICKS! YOUR ASS WILL BE AT RED LOBSTER. EVERY! WEEK! TO SHOVE THAT CHEDDAR DOWN YOUR HOLE! ❜

[kmomof4]

Of Darkness, Vampires, and Soulmates Ch.5 Ingrid

*rubs furiously at my ear* Wow, y’all!!! Y'all had a lot to say about that last chapter, didn’t you? Well, most of the pain is now firmly in the rearview. There will still be a bit of pain in the coming chapters, but not like we’ve had. Today’s chapter brings us to the halfway point in the fic as well as the turning point, the modern era and putting our favorite couple on the final road to their Happily Ever After. We still have a lot of story to tell and I so hope you enjoy what’s coming! Thank you all so much for the trust you’ve placed in me by coming along on this journey! Y'all are the BEST!!!!

All of the love, thanks, and socially distant internet tackle hugs to @profdanglaisstuff for her outstanding beta services and being a fount of information and encouragement when I wanted to either throw my laptop, pull my hair out, or give up completely. Also to @hollyethecurious for her encouragement and help in brainstorming. The ladies of the CSSNS and CSMM discords for their encouragement, sprinting, and help with a title, and finally to @spartanguard for making such GORGEOUS and PERFECT art for EVERY SINGLE CHAPTER!!! I don’t know what I did to deserve you, but I’m so grateful that I got paired with you!!!

Chapter Summary: We are now in the modern era, and we meet a new family that has become a major part of Killian’s life.

Rating: M (Violence and smut)

Words: Almost 8800 of 41K total

Tags: Vampires, Soulmates, Reincarnation, Prophecy, Black Death, French Revolution, Magic, True Loves Kiss

Prologue | Ch1 | Ch2 | Ch3 | Ch4 | Ao3 chapter link | Ao3 fic link

Tag list: @hollyethecurious @winterbaby89 @snowbellewells @stahlop @resident-of-storybrooke @jennjenn615 @kingofmyheart14 @profdanglaisstuff @thisonesatellite @branlovestowrite @ultraluckycatnd @flslp87 @whimsicallyenchantedrose @let-it-raines @shireness-says @kymbersmith-90 @darkcolinodonorgasm @bethacaciakay @searchingwardrobes @ilovemesomekillianjones @teamhook @aprilqueen84 @qualitycoffeethings @superchocovian @artistic-writer @donteattheappleshook @doodlelolly0910 @seriouslyhooked @tiganasummertree​ @lfh1226-linda​ @nikkiemms​ @xsajx​ @klynn-stormz​

Please let me know if you’d like to be added or removed.

Under the cut, unless Tumblr ate it.

Martha’s Vineyard, Massachusetts, October 1995

Killian Jones brought the Jolly Roger into his personal dock on his estate greatly anticipating a warm meal and long hot shower after being away for so many months. Of course he ate on the Jolly and she had been outfitted with modern plumbing that he kept most of the passengers away from, but nothing beat a homemade meal from his own kitchen. He had donned many hats over the centuries in terms of occupations, pirate captain, smuggler, whaler, blockade runner, a brief stint as a doctor in Chicago, and now pleasure cruise captain, and now that the long summer season was over, he could return to his home for a few months of rest and relaxation. The weather was just starting to turn cooler overall, but the sharp bite of the wind and clouds rolling in told him that a storm was right on his heels. He made his way up to the back door of the manor as his scarf was blown about his face and raindrops just started to fall.

“Thank you, Mr. Starkey,” he addressed the older man that had immediately appeared when he entered as he handed him his scarf and leather greatcoat.

“Your supper will be ready in about an hour, sir,” the man admitted, chagrined. “I wasn’t expecting you quite this early.”

“No worries, Starkey,” he replied, “we had favorable winds, and with the expected storm, I wanted to make it home before it hit. This will give me time to get the sea salt off me before I sit down to your excellent meal.”

The man before him smiled. “It’s your favorite, sir. I wanted to welcome you home properly. My lobster chowder with Red Lobster’s cheddar bay biscuits.”

Killian threw his head back and groaned in delight. “I can taste it already. Thank you.”

“You’re quite welcome, sir.”

Killian departed the lower story, and headed for his chambers on the other side of his home trying to bring his salivating under control. He may have problems with fresh, raw garlic, but who could resist those biscuits?

~*~*~

Much later that night, Killian was pulled from his slumber by a crack of lightning that shook the windows and lit up his chambers as if it was noon. The rain against the windows beat a staccato rhythm that matched his breathing and heart rate. Once he got his breathing back under control and his pulse back down where it normally was, much, much less than a resting heart rate for a human, he became aware of a pull. A tugging sensation over his heart that almost felt like something was trying to rip it out his chest. Laying back down on his bed, the sensation lessened but didn’t go away entirely. As he lay there rubbing at the area, his heart nearly leapt out of his chest with a pressure, that if he didn’t know any better, he would have said resembled a heart attack. It was exactly the same sensation that he felt over 200 years ago when Emma had been born in France and when she had been born in the late 19th century.

Killian would never forget the day that he lost his Swan yet again. He recognized the soulmate connection and arrived in Chicago a few years later in 1896. He took a position with St. Luke's Hospital near the industrial center of the city where he knew his Swan was employed. One of the unfortunate victims of the lack of child labor laws and the Industrial Revolution. Close enough to feel her daily presence, but apparently not close enough to protect her. Rumplestiltskin, owner of the factory where she worked, brought her in covered in blood from where she had lost most of her left arm in an accident at the factory. Although his cruel designs were cleverly hidden behind his mask of feigned concern for the little girl in his arms, Killian could see the delight dancing in his enemy’s eyes as he lay Emma, only about six years old, even younger than he had known her at first in France, on the table in front of him. She had lost so much blood and was so nearly gone, that he was completely taken aback when her green eyes opened briefly, landing on him, and whispered, “It’s you.” before breathing her last. It was all he could do to remain upright. Did she somehow recognize him? Recognize their connection? No one questioned the blood tears that streaked his face, just assuming it was hers, as he ran from the room, Rumplestiltskin’s laughter echoing in his ears.

She had been reborn again. There was no doubt in his mind. But where? When she had been reborn in France, he had felt the pull toward Paris. In the 1890’s, Chicago. This time though, he wasn’t feeling any particular pull toward anywhere. Could it be too soon? Had she literally just been born? Was it possible that she could have been born somewhere nearby? He didn’t dare hope. Hopefully the morning light would bring some answers. Hopefully, he’d be able to get back to sleep before then.

~*~*~

He was awakened the next morning by Starkey knocking lightly on his chamber door. Killian awoke rather disconcerted that he had slept as late as the angle of the sun in his room told him it was, plus the fact that anyone approaching his chambers normally would have put his senses on full alert. Being caught unawares by Rumplestiltskin, even in the privacy of his own home, was not something he wanted happening.

“Enter,” he called, standing and wrapping himself in the robe from the bottom of the bed.

Starkey stuck his head through the door with mirth dancing in his eyes and a smile on his face. “The ladies Elsa and Anna Fisher are downstairs for you, sir. On the back patio. They are quite excited and impatient to see you.”

An affectionate grin broke over his face. “I’ll be down momentarily, Starkey.”

“Very good, sir,” he replied. “I’ll let them know.”

~*~*~

Killian entered the patio area just a few minutes later to the barely contained enthusiasm of two little girls that he had been blessed to know these last few years when they came into the care of their aunt, Ingrid Fisher, a very close personal friend of his for many, many years. The girls had been so young when they entered her charge, nearly one and just turned three, that they both knew her as Mama.

“Uncle Killian,” little Anna cried, “guess what?” She had very nearly flown from her place on the chaise lounge where she had been bouncing in her exuberance. She now stood before him nearly vibrating with excitement trying to contain the torrent of words that it was nearly killing her to hold back right now.

Killian knelt down before her and lifted her into his arms as he continued to where a much more sedate Elsa waited patiently for them on one of the other lounges. “What is it, my lamb?” He settled down next to Elsa and gave his full attention to the elated little girl in his arms.

“We have a new baby,” she very nearly squealed.

“AnewsisterMamacalledfromthehospitalthismorningtotellusthatababygirlhadbeenbornlastnightintheEmergencyRoombutthemamaleftsothebabyhasnoonetotakecareofhersowe’regonnatakecareofhershe’llbeoursister.” Anna’s words tumbled out of her so quickly that Killian had trouble keeping up. He looked toward Elsa with barely disguised confusion on his face.

Elsa released a long suffering sigh, as only a six year old could. “You have to slow down, Anna,” she exasperated. “Mama will be bringing home a new sister for us. She was born last night.” Killian couldn’t help the chill that ran down his spine at that information. “But the mama left before morning. Since Mama is already approved to be a foster parent, we get to have her.” At this, some of the excitement that Elsa usually kept inside, leaked through. Her blue eyes sparkled and the smile that broke over her face rivaled the sun at noon. “Mama said that we’ll adopt her and she’ll be our sister. She’ll have the same last name and everything!”

“Oh, my darlings,” he exulted, “that is indeed wonderful news!” He reached over and pulled Elsa to him in a side hug as Anna was doing her best to strangle him with the force of her embrace. “When will Ingrid be bringing her home and when may I come see the new addition to the family?”

“Mama said it would be a few days before she could bring her home,” Elsa volunteered, “so maybe this weekend.” She shrugged.

“Alright then,” he replied. “I will call this evening after your mama gets home and get some more details.” He stood back up with Anna still in his arms and started toward the kitchen. “And now, my lambs, have you had breakfast? Would you like some French toast? I know how you love Mr. Starkey’s French toast.”

The girl's squeals had nearly the same effect on the windows that the lightning had the night before. Killian laughed as he led them from the patio to the kitchen.

~*~*~

“Hello?”

“Good evening, Ingrid,” he replied, settling down in his favorite armchair, “I hear congratulations are in order.”

His friend’s delighted laugh made a grin break out on his own face. “I knew the girls wouldn’t be able to wait to tell you.”

“So, tell me everything.”

“A teenager, a girl really,” she corrected herself, “came in last night in the last stages of labor. Her daughter was born about three this morning. Right at the height of the storm, from what I understand.” Killian hummed and tried, without much success, to suppress the shiver that ran through him. “But by the time I got in this morning, she was gone. I don’t know how she was able to walk out of the ER so soon after giving birth. So there’s essentially no record of her whatsoever. She was too close to delivery to get any kind of information about her, and when one of the other nurses came in to get the information and move her and the baby to the maternity ward, she was gone. Leaving that poor baby girl behind.” She sighed.

“By the time I got there at 7, the whole place was in an uproar. I went up to the nursery to see her and just fell in love. With the mother gone and no idea of where to begin looking for her, that poor baby would go straight into the system. And I just couldn’t allow that. Not when I had the power to stop it.”

Killian hummed in agreement. “I wouldn’t expect anything less from you, lass. Tell me, this baby...” he hesitated. Ingrid was the closest friend he had ever had. She was one of two, in all his centuries of life, that ever knew exactly what he was. But she didn’t know about this. “This baby, have you decided on a name for her yet? She doesn’t by any chance have a birthmark on her neck, does she?” It was all he could do to keep his breathing steady as he awaited her answer.

“The girls and I discussed it and we decided she looks like an Emma. And yes, she does have a birthmark actually,” she exclaimed. Killian’s breath hitched. “How could you have possibly guessed that? It’s a swan that looks like it’s taking off. I’ve never seen anything like it. Anna thought ‘Swan’ should be her middle name. For the birthmark.”

Killian’s head spun. He gripped the sides of the chair, trying to regain some equilibrium. It was her. It was his Swan. How…? He couldn’t believe that it had happened again. He had, of course, been waiting for it, hoping, continuing on in the long lonely years of his life, praying, ever hopeful that this day would come. But now that it was here, it was all he could do to contain himself. He cleared his throat. “Emma Swan Fisher,” he whispered. “Uh, Ingrid? When will you be bringing her home?” he asked.

“Wednesday morning, barring any unforeseen complications, I should be able to bring her home,” Ingrid replied. “Killian, what’s going on?” Her concern for him was plain over the line. Killian scrubbed his face in his agitation.

“Ingrid, I promise,” he beseeched her, “I’ll explain everything. I’ll see you Wednesday. Give me a call when you get home.” He hung up and scrubbed his hand down his face again.

He made his way to the adjoining bath and splashed cold water on his face, trying to bring himself under control. He looked back up in the mirror. Haunted eyes in a pale face looked back out at him. Purple bruises under his eyes told him that he’d gone too long without the sustenance that his physical body still needed, even if he could still eat and drink. He was going to have to hunt tonight. Getting his hands on a rabbit or even a larger animal like a deer wasn’t going to cut it. Not after a shock like that rocked him to his very core.

Thankfully, he didn’t have to do it very often, he normally partook of animal blood to meet his body’s needs. And even that, he only had to do once, maybe twice a month. But when he was so obviously drained, as this bombshell had quite effectively accomplished, he was going to need human blood. Fortunately, the island had no shortage of scoundrels, villians, the bottom dwellers of humanity on which to feed, people that no one would miss, and in fact, their disappearance may very well free others on whom they preyed.

Donning black from head to toe, the vampire disappeared into the night.

~*~*~

Killian was unsurprised when he could see Anna’s red braids flying behind her as she ran to answer the door. Ingrid had brought baby Emma home that morning and he had told Ingrid to expect him around noon.

“Uncle Killian,” she cried, grabbing his hand and dragging him along behind her. “Come see my baby,” she exclaimed.

Killian chuckled as he picked her up and strode toward where he could hear the cries of an infant. “Where are they, my lamb?”

“In the breakfast room. Baby Emma doesn’t like the bottle Mama is trying to feed her,” she chattered on about how cute and how loud her baby was. Killian couldn’t help the delighted grin that stretched his lips as he came into the room. Ingrid sat at the table with the newborn in her arms, holding a small bottle to her mouth. Elsa stood by her side cooing to the baby and gently stroking her head trying to get her to take the bottle.

Ingrid lifted her face toward Killian as he set Anna down so that the little whirlwind could join her Mama and sisters. “Oh, Killian! Thank God, you’re here,” she exclaimed. “Could you take her for just a minute? I’m not ready for the girls to hold her by themselves yet and my bladder is about to bust.”

Killian was taken aback briefly, but made his way over to them and sat down. “Of course, Ingrid,” he assented, holding out his arms for the infant. As soon as Ingrid transferred the precious bundle into his own arms and handed him the bottle, she all but ran out of the room.

The girls gathered around him as he looked down at the baby. Wide light gray eyes stared, unblinking at him. He took in every detail he could. The way her little cheeks had yet to fill out to the pleasing plumpness that most associated with babies. The thin, whispy, light colored peach fuzz that covered the crown of her head. The scrunches around her eyes when she closed them as she opened her rosebud lips on a wide yawn. With her mouth as wide as that, he thought he might attempt to get her to take the bottle in his hand. Placing it in her mouth, she closed it again and began to drink from the instrument of nourishment. Her eyes opened again and she continued to stare at him as she drank from the bottle.

A smile broke his face as a profound sense of destiny swept over him. This was his Swan. Beyond any doubt. He could see the birthmark on her neck. He could feel the connection between them buzzing under his skin and with every beat of his heart as he held her close. Perhaps that was why she was taking the bottle from him so easily when she didn’t want to take it from Ingrid. Love like he had never known filled him near to overflowing. A love that he had harbored for over 300 years. Holding his soulmate in his arms like this, made him realize one thing. He would do anything to protect her. And since he found her so early in her life this time, he’d be able to protect her the way he wanted to. The way he should have done all those times before. He would do anything to make sure that she had the chance to grow up and fulfill her destiny. Her prophesied destiny to join him in the destruction of the Darkness and the final downfall of Rumplestiltskin. This time, he would succeed. This time, she would be his. He couldn’t lose her again. And then, a small smile broke over his face, they’d live happily ever after.

He hadn’t seen hide nor hair of Rumplestiltskin in a century. Not since the last time that Emma had lived, in the late nineteenth century. As much as he rejoiced that the demon had left him alone for so long, it was rather disconcerting. Before Emma died in France, he would make his presence known about every decade or so. Since then, it had been spaced out further, finally terminating when Killian had lost Emma back in Chicago. Again at the hands of his sire. This was by far however, the longest that he had gone without being aware of his presence. Now that Emma had come into his life again, he would doubtless make an appearance. He’d have to be doubly vigilant in keeping her safe from the monster if he hoped to bring his dream to fruition. And now, he was going to have to tell Ingrid everything.

~*~*~

All three of the girls were finally down for naps when Killian and Ingrid settled down in the living room with some hot tea. Ingrid leveled a hard stare at him sending him scratching at the area behind his ear.

“Ok, Killian. What’s going on here?” The love and concern were written all over her face.

Killian couldn’t meet her eyes as he began. “There is only one person that I’ve spoken to about this, Ingrid,” he sighed. “And I honestly never expected to have to do this with you.” He raised his head until his eyes met hers. “You are the closest friend I’ve ever had. You know what I am. You know what I care about, my values, and my convictions. How I live this cursed life.”

“And it’s because I know you so well,” she interrupted, leaning over to him and placing her hand on his arm, “that I’ve never been afraid of you. Both to have you in my life for all of these years and the lives of the girls.”

“And I can’t thank you enough for that, lass.” He looked down at where she was touching him with a soft smile.

“Pfft,” she snorted, leaning back in her chair and waving away his sentiment, “Don’t call me lass. I’m a little too old for that these days.”

He smirked at her. “You’ll always be a lass, compared to me, love,” he teased her, earning him a mighty eye roll.

Twenty-seven years ago, he met Ingrid, quite literally by accident. An accident that had claimed both her parents, and nearly claimed herself as well. When Killian got himself out of his car, with his broken bones and cuts quickly healing, he could plainly see that there was nothing he could do to help the two adults in the front of the Oldsmobile that had broadsided him. The two girls in the back however, were both still alive, although the older one was in immediate need of medical attention. As he moved closer to her, he could hear the rush of her blood within her, not in its appointed channels. She was bleeding internally and would almost surely die before she could be transported to a hospital. The other girl, probably about five years her junior, was only unconscious. He moved to the side of the gravely injured child, and sneaking a glance around to be sure that no one in the gathering crowd was paying attention to him, bit into his wrist and held it up to the girl’s lips, letting just a few drops of his blood land on her tongue. The coppery taste was enough to rouse her. Unfortunately, sharing his blood with her would not only heal her, but also expose him for what he truly was. Her eyes widened in her shock.

“Who are you?” she asked, obviously fearful that a strange man with red eyes and fangs was standing over her.

“A friend,” he answered, as his wound healed and his eyes resumed their blue hue and his fangs retracted. Listening carefully, he could hear not only the sirens of ambulances in the distance, but he could also hear the healing going on in her body. “You’ve been in an accident.” He didn’t think it wise to tell her about her parents.

Her eyes widened even more. “What about Mama, Papa, Gerta?” she cried, looking toward her sister.

“Your sister is going to be fine, lass,” he said, comfortingly. “What’s your name?”

“Ingrid,” she replied. “Ingrid Fisher.”

“Your sister is going to be fine, Ingrid. And so will you.” He moved away from her side as the paramedics arrived. He waved them off from attending to him, as only a few scratches were now visible. The girls needed their attention much more than he did.

He had been able to keep in contact with her, and because she quite vividly remembered his healing of her, he wasn't terribly surprised when the, by then, young teen, figured out his secret.

Killian returned to the present and to the amused concern still flooding Ingrid’s eyes. He gave her a small smile before taking a deep breath and beginning his story, from the beginning.

~*~*~

Ingrid’s mouth hung open as she leaned back on the sofa. “Soooo, let me get this straight,” she mused, “Rumplestiltskin, as in the fairy tale Rumplestiltskin, was real. Is real,” she corrected herself, shaking her head. “And that baby, from the fairy tale, was your brother. Fast forward, he kills Liam and changes you, and since then he’s come back every so often and has been responsible for at least two of…” here she trailed away momentarily, obviously trying to get her mind around all he had revealed to her, “my Emma’s past deaths. Ok.” She nodded decisively. “I can handle this.” She turned her pale blue eyes to his. “But she is your soulmate. And the two of you are prophesied to destroy the Darkness? The Darkness that makes you a vampire? But what will happen to you?”

Killian shrugged his shoulders. “If it’s the Darkness that makes me a vampire, as I believe it is, I’m hopeful that I’ll no longer be a vampire and that I’ll be able to live out my life with Emma at my side.”

“Oh, Killian,” she breathed, “That would be wonderful, indeed.”

“So you raise her,” Killian asserted, looking at her again. “You adopt her and raise her as your own. As long as that monster stays away, you will all be safe. But when he comes, and I say when because it’s only a matter of time, you will have to leave.” He looked down at the clasped hands in his lap. “And you won’t be able to tell me where you go. He would be able to find you through my knowledge. And he won’t hesitate to kill you all to prevent my happy ending with Emma. When the time is right, you’ll come back, and I’ll be able to court her and protect you all myself. This time,” his voice shook in his conviction, “we will succeed.”

She covered his hands with her own. “You will, Killian. I have no doubt.”

~*~*~

Three and a half years later, Boston

Rumplestiltskin stood on the quay looking up at the ship that he hadn’t seen with his own eyes in over four hundred years. It looked exactly the same from where he stood. The wood of the hull was in pristine condition, freshly painted, nearly ageless. If he didn’t know for sure that it was the same ship, he’d have trouble believing it himself. Still as majestic as I remember.

Rumple ducked his head into his shoulder as the captain appeared at the gunwale of the ship. He wasn’t yet ready to reveal his presence to his progeny.

“Good morning, ladies and gentlemen, lads and lasses,” the captain called out. “Welcome to Jolly Roger Tours! I am your captain, Killian Jones. Today we will be sailing into the waters of the Atlantic, hearing tales of Blackbeard and Captain Kidd, and visiting several barrier islands where they and several other of the most notorious pirates from the Golden Age of Piracy lurked before striking the merchant ships coming into Boston Harbor. We will end our tour in Salem with a visit to the New England Pirate Museum where you will see actual pirate treasure and be able to tour a Colonial seaport before returning home. Now once you are aboard, everyone under the age of twelve will become junior crew members. They will be outfitted in pirate gear and will be in the charge of one of my crew for the duration of the tour.”

The captain then turned a stern eye on the very excited children of the group. “Now let me tell you how it works on my ship. I give the orders and you follow them. Is that clear?” The children let out a collective YESSS, that was so loud, he was sure he wasn't the only adult with the beginnings of a headache. “Then welcome aboard, me hearties!”

The children climbing the gangplank resembled a flock of birds, moving as one, with the combined weight of a small elephant, which did nothing to make the headache dissipate. Perhaps it was a mistake to make his appearance here and now.  But the time had come again. Time to remind Killian Jones who had the power in their centuries-long dance.

He hung back until he was at the end of the queue ascending the gangplank. As he neared the captain, who was personally welcoming each passenger aboard, he decided to go ahead and make his presence known to his host.

~*~*~

Killian was nearly to the end of the queue when a depraved giggle reached his ears and a bolt of fear traveled down his spine. Looking toward the last person in the line, his eyes widened as he took in the distinctive profile of his sire. Thankfully, his eyes were averted, so he was in no danger of revealing anything to the demon, but he could see the curve of a sinister grin sliding onto his features.

“What are you doing here,” he hissed.

“Why, Captain Jones,” he gasped, in mock outrage, placing his hand on his heart “no joyous welcome? No, ‘It’s good to see you, mate.’”

“No,” he deadpanned, crossing his arms across his chest. “As Captain of this ship, I have the right to refuse to let anyone on board. For any reason.”

“Oh, really?” he drawled, feigning surprise. “Are you going to let me board, Captain?”

“No, I am not,” he replied. “Get off of my ship. And don’t let me see your face anywhere near her again.”

Rumplestiltskin giggled again. “Oh, don’t you worry, Dearie,” he crooned, before his voice took on an edge of malice, and was that anticipation that he could detect in his words? “Showing my face near your ship will be the least of your worries in the near future.”

Dear God in heaven, Killian thought, he knows where Emma is. “Get off of my ship.”

“Aye, aye, Captain,” he murmured, with a mocking bow, sarcasm oozing from his words. “Until we meet again.”

Killian watched as Rumplestiltskin meandered down the gangplank, his gold tipped cane clicking on the boards, before he disappeared into the crowds.

~*~*~

Killian brought the Jolly in to dock behind his estate, his shoulders dropping in relief when he saw the four people he loved most in this world waiting for him. He’d been acutely aware, all day long, that if his sire knew about the family and where to find them, he could have already struck.

Anna, predictably, bounced on the balls of her feet, all ready for her adventure. Ingrid and Elsa were doing an admirable job keeping their countenance free of the fear he could plainly see in their eyes. Little Emma dozed on her mother’s shoulder. It was past her bedtime.

He descended the gangplank and grabbed their various suitcases and baby paraphernalia before he started hauling them aboard as Anna peppered him with questions. “Where are we going, Uncle Killian? Is it a pirate adventure? Is that why we’re leaving at night? Are we gonna spend the night in a pirate cave? Do we get to hunt for buried treasure?” Killian chuckled at her enthusiasm as he deposited their luggage on the deck .

“No, my lamb,” he sighed, “You’ll be going on an adventure with your mother and sisters this time. I’m not coming. I’m simply taking you there.”

“But, why aren’t you coming?” she whined, looking up at him with her big blue eyes.

Killian knelt down in front of her. From Elsa’s expression, Ingrid had either told her what was going on, or she picked up on her mother’s apprehension. Elsa stepped forward next to her sister, fixing him with her stare.

“Where are we going, Uncle Killian?” she asked. “All Mama told us was that we needed to pack our suitcases and that we could bring only two favorite toys and two books.”

“I didn’t know what to tell them, Killian,” Ingrid lamented. Killian smiled gently at her, struggling to swallow the lump in his throat. He knew this day would come, but that didn’t make it any easier to deal with now that it was here.

Before the ship had even cast off for the Pirate Tour that morning from Boston harbor, he had texted Ingrid to tell her that it was go time. He’d told her when he’d be home that evening and that she and the girls were to meet him at the dock. He would take them to Boston, and they could disappear to anywhere in the world, ensuring their safety from Rumplestiltskin. Shortly after he had revealed everything to her when Emma was just a newborn, he had made financial arrangements for the family in anticipation of this day. A secure offshore bank account in Ingrid’s name would meet all their needs for many, many years to come.

“I’m taking you to Boston, my lambs,” Killian began. “And from there your Mama will be your captain. She’ll be telling you where you’re going and how you’re going to get there.” He smiled at them. “You might be getting on another ship, you might be getting on an airplane, you might be getting on a train or a bus. This is going to be a most excellent adventure. But for now, we must cast off. We’ll be in Boston in no time.” He rose from before them as Ingrid returned from his quarters after settling Emma in bed down below. “Ingrid, take the helm while I weigh anchor,” he ordered. “Girls, go below with Emma.”

Everyone scrambled to obey his orders as he moved to the capstan. The enchantment that the Blue Fairy had placed on the wood of the Jolly all those years ago, still held and enabled him to lift the 112lb anchor himself. Once finished, he joined Ingrid at the helm.

He placed his arm around her shoulders as she finally lost the battle with the tears she’d been holding back. He murmured comfort into the crown of her head as she sobbed into his chest.

“How am I supposed to leave you, Killian?” she cried. “You’ve been with me for most of my life! I’ve always been able to count on you!”

“And you will again, love,” he cajoled. “This is only temporary. As soon as Emma is old enough for me to court, you’ll come back and we’ll be together again.”

She raised her tear stained face up to his. “But, Killian,” she protested, “that’s fifteen years away! How am I supposed to not contact you for that long?”

He turned to her and held her gaze with his own. “Ingrid, I have never met, in all my years of life, a woman as strong as you. Losing your parents when you did, fighting for Gerta not to be separated from you while you were growing up in the system, losing her and Agnar so soon after Anna was born, raising these three girls all by yourself, accepting me into your lives so easily, Ingrid, that takes a tremendous amount of bravery and fortitude,” he asserted. “You will be fine. And so will those girls. Rumplestiltskin will not be able to find you and they will grow up safe, happy, and together. That is all that matters right now.”

Ingrid sniffled again. “I know,” she sighed, “I’m just gonna miss you so much.”

“And I’ll miss you all, too. So much,” he murmured, placing a kiss to her brow.  “Now you go below and be with your girls. We’ll be to Boston in about an hour.” He released her and she made her way below.

~*~*~

Killian entered his quarters after docking in Boston. On his bed, Emma was sound asleep, while at the foot, Ingrid read quietly to Anna and Elsa on either side of her. His heart nearly broke at the sight. He had to be strong for them. This was for their safety. This is what was best, for all of them.

Ingrid looked up at him as he drew near the little family. “We’re here, my lambs,” he choked out. Anna and Elsa looked up at him. Anna jumped to her feet on top of the bed and placed both her hands on his cheeks.

“Don’t be sad, Uncle Killian,” she said, “I’ll write letters to you every week telling you all about our adventures.”

Killian shook his head as he took her little hands in his own. “No, my darling,” he insisted, “You will not be able to write letters to me. You mustn’t contact me at all. Not until Emma is all grown up. When she is, you’ll all be able to come back to me and we can be together again. Is that okay?” He cocked his head toward her as he awaited her answer. When her brow furrowed without one, he continued. “I have to keep you safe, my lamb. And this is the only way to do it. That’s why we have to do this. Why we have to be apart for a little while. When the danger is past, we can be together again.”

The furrow remained on her brow as she raised her eyes to his. “Okay, Uncle Killian.” She nodded decisively. “But I’ll miss you.”

“And I will miss you, my lamb,” he promised, gathering her in his arms. He held his other arm out for Elsa as she launched herself toward him, sobs choking her. Killian closed his eyes as he held these little girls that he loved so much in his arms. After a few minutes, he carried them to the hatch and placed them on the ladder to the deck. They scrambled up as Ingrid came toward him, carrying Emma, still sound asleep.

Killian took her precious cargo so she could climb the ladder then followed along behind her. Reaching the deck, he saw that Ingrid already had Emma’s stroller opened up and he could lay her right down in it. He turned and pressed a kiss into her brow. “I love you, my Swan. I will see you again,” he murmured, setting her down and arranging her so that she could sleep peacefully until she had to awaken. He picked up his end of the stroller as Ingrid grabbed the handle and her own suitcase and carried the stroller containing the sleeping toddler across the deck and down the gangplank. Anna and Elsa followed behind with their own suitcases. Finally depositing the stroller on the quay, he turned back toward them. Kneeling down and opening his arms to them, they ran and nearly knocked him over with the force of their hugs.

“We love you, Uncle Killian,” they cried.

“And I love you, my lambs,” he replied. “Never forget that. We’ll be together again soon. I promise.” He disentangled himself and turned to Ingrid once more.

He gathered her in his arms, whispering endearments into her hair. “It’s okay, Ingrid,” he murmured, “I love you. You can do this. I’ll see you again.”

“I love you too, Killian,” she echoed. “And yes, we’ll see you again.” She pulled back, out of his arms and turned to the girls. “Make sure you have everything. Anna, hand on the stroller.” The tears were gone from her voice, her head held high and her back straight as her brood gathered their suitcases. There was his strong lass. Pride and love for her filled his heart to overflowing. She grabbed her own suitcase and pushing the stroller before her, made her way toward the street without looking back.

“Until we meet again, my loves,” Killian murmured before ascending the gangplank once more to make the journey home.

~*~*~

It was nearly midnight when Killian arrived home that evening. He didn’t expect Starkey to meet him at the door at this hour, but he also didn’t expect to find him being held by Rumplestiltskin in the middle of the morning room, much like the monster had held his brother four hundred years before.

The terror in Starkey’s eyes brought him to a halt. “Welcome home,” the demon singsonged, eyes seeking his own from over his captive’s shoulder, not loosening his grip a single iota.

“What are you doing here,” he growled, anger flowing through him as he advanced on the imp. He wasn’t frozen this time and he wondered if it was possible that the devil had forgotten to do it, or if he had some other plan for him.

“Why must you always insist on asking questions that you already know the answer to,” the monster demanded, giggling. The giggle was suddenly cut off as if with a knife. “I want to know where she is.” His words were slow, deliberate. Carefully enunciated so that Killian knew exactly to whom he was referring.

Righteous anger at this breach of his sanctuary and threatened murder of someone under his protection flooded him. Killian met the eyes of his sire with his own, knowing that Rumple would see nothing of value when their gazes locked. “Who?” he asked.

“Do you really think that now is a good time to antagonize me,” the creature hissed. Killian couldn’t help the little thrill of triumph that skittered across his skin at his opponent’s obvious anger. Looking more closely at his nemesis, his eyes widened as he became aware of something that, he was sure, the imp intended to keep hidden.

Rumplestiltskin was nervous. All of these centuries, he had always held the upper hand. It was why he would always come back. Taunting him, manipulating him, reminding him who held the power. Until now. It hadn’t occurred to his sire that he’d be able to throw off the yoke of oppression that had kept him exactly where the devil had wanted him all these years. The plans and provisions that had been made, long before they were needed, had finally given Killian the upper hand, and the beast was thoroughly rattled by that.

As this realization came over him, pictures that he knew came from his enemy flooded his mind. A wicked looking dagger with Rumplestiltskin’s name on the blade held in the hand of the Blue Fairy. Knowledge that it had the power to kill the monster before him and of where to find it. Killian’s eyes skittered to where his sire’s gold tipped cane lay forgotten on the floor.

With an inhuman howl of rage, Rumplestiltskin threw Starkey to the side like a rag doll. The sickening crack of his skull on the marble floor echoed through the room, but Killian couldn’t do anything about that now. Not with this animal racing to attack.

Killian met this scourge on his entire existence halfway. Blood red eyes shone, exposed fangs glinted in the bright artificial light coming from the kitchen, as Killian crouched and drove his shoulder directly into the rabid creature's abdomen. He flipped over Killian’s shoulder and crashed through the floor to ceiling window behind him, landing flat on his back, briefly knocking the breath out of him.

As Killian came to stand over him, he could see Rumplestiltskin’s face twist in pure malevolence as he struggled to catch his breath. He placed his boot right over his solar plexus and ground down. Only his age as a vampire could explain how quickly he was able to overcome his vulnerability. He screamed in malice, the pitch of his voice rising to the point where Killian nearly stepped away in order to cover his ears. “HOW CAN YOU SEE THAT? NO ONE KNOWS THAT! I WANT HER! WHY CAN’T I SEE HER? TELL ME WHERE SHE IS!”

Killian lifted his enemy from the ground, grabbing the top of his head. He pulled as hard as he could, forcing his head back as he hissed in the cursed creature's ear. “I don’t know where she is and you are never going to find her. We are going to defeat you, Rumplestiltskin. I swore that I would destroy you, and when my love comes back to me, we will find you and fulfill that oath.” Holding the monster tightly in his arms, Killian dove in, piercing his sire’s flesh with his fangs. Blood flooded his mouth as he drank deeply. This time, he was able to shield his mind so that all his attention, all his concentration was focused on the blood. There was nothing else. Nothing to fear giving away and nothing to fear receiving from the evil creature. Rumplestiltskin continued to scream and struggle against him, but it was no use. He grew weaker and weaker as Killian continued to feed.

In a last, desperate attempt to free himself from Killian’s iron embrace, the devil was actually able to free one of its arms and reach for the back of his head. Killian took the opportunity to tear open the monster’s neck, blood spraying everywhere, exposing muscle, tendon, and sinew. The arm fell lifeless to his side and the demon was finally still.

Killian held no illusions that he was actually dead. He could already see the wounds he inflicted stitching together. He knew he had only a few minutes to save Starkey, if he wasn’t already dead, and get Rumplestiltskin out of his home. He dropped the animal at his feet and made his way to where Starkey lay, motionless. He breathed a sigh of relief when he could discern a faint heartbeat and a shallow breath. Piercing his own wrist with his fangs, he held it to Starkey’s lips and let just a few drops land on his tongue. Now confident that his butler would be fine, he turned back to where he had left Rumplestiltskin.

The Blue Fairy stood over the still unconscious creature. Killian’s eyes widened in surprise, then anger.

“What are you doing here?” he shouted, advancing on her. She gave no sign that she had heard him. In the face of her silence, he couldn’t help but ask the question that had plagued him for centuries. “Where have you been all these years?”

The fairy raised her face to his, sorrow swirling in the depths of her brown eyes. “There is no time to answer the many questions and righteous anger that you have right now. They can wait until after I’ve dealt with,” a sneer crossed her features as she looked down at the imp, “this.” The fairy waved her wand over the still motionless creature. He was enveloped in a cloud of blue smoke and disappeared.

Killian was startled. “Where did he go?” he asked, “Where did you send him?”

“Somewhere far from here,” the fairy answered. “Now,” she continued, looking toward him again and squaring her shoulders, “I am at your disposal.” Killian stood staring at the fairy, stunned speechless. The stuttering inhale, determined tilt of her chin, and ramrod straight posture told him that she truly was ready to face whatever questions that he had for her. He ushered her back into the kitchen and prepared them both some tea.

“Why now?” he asked, laying out the tea and sitting next to her at the table. “Where have you been all these years?” That had to be first. He had to know why she had failed so completely in her sworn protection of his family.

The Blue Fairy bowed her head in shame. “When your father sent you and Liam to negotiate that treaty, he was acting on the information that I gave him. Rumplestiltskin was, by that time, a master at manipulating magic and he appeared to be gathering his forces in order to make good his threat upon your family. Your father wanted you both to be safe, so he sent you away. I learned too late that it was nothing more than a diversion. By that time, Liam was already dead and you had disappeared.”

She looked up at his face, obviously trying to gauge how he was taking this information. He refused to let her off the hook. He already knew all this, he wanted to know about the intervening centuries. “I, of course, knew exactly where you were and what had happened to you.” Her eyes turned pleading, filling with tears. “You have to understand. Please, I was Fairy Godmother to your family for generations. I knew your father’s great-grandfather. I have loved your family for centuries before you were even born. I… I couldn’t face your father and mother. I couldn’t be the one to tell them what had happened to you. What had happened to you both.” She bowed her head again. “I was a coward. I failed in my oath, and then I abandoned my family. My duty. Since then, I’ve tried to make it right. I have watched over you, protected and prospered you.”

Killian couldn’t help but snort. “Protected me? You call letting Rumplestiltskin nearly sink the Jolly, multiple times due to magical storms, protecting me?”

She gave him an unamused eyebrow raise. “No, I call keeping you from falling overboard during those storms protecting you. And keeping the Black Death away from you, both while you were in London, and when it was unleashed on your ship. Those are some of the ways I protected you over the years. You may be a vampire, but you are still subject to some of the frailties of your human body.”

“I see,” he replied. His fury drained away, becoming compassion. He took a deep breath and turned gentle eyes on her. “I understand. If I had been in your position…” he trailed away, “I don’t think I’d have done much differently.”

“Thank you,” she said, sincerely.

After a few moments of silence, he spoke again. “Why now?” He repeated his question from earlier. “Why show yourself now? If you’ve been watching and protecting me all these years, why are you now letting me know that?”

The Blue Fairy fixed him with a fierce stare. “Because you are correct in saying that this time, you and Emma will succeed. Rumplestiltskin and the Darkness have served their purpose in history and their time is rapidly coming to an end. It is your time now. Your’s and your soulmate’s.”

Understanding dawned on Killian. “It was you,” he breathed, “You wrote the prophecy.” The fairy nodded. “You made Emma my soulmate. You’ve brought us together all these times.”

“Yes,” she agreed, “And each time I brought you together, Rumplestiltskin has managed to work circumstances in his own favor and ensure that you and your soulmate were never able to fulfill the prophecy. This time, however, you have been able to do the same. This time is your time. Live your life in peace until Emma returns to you. Once she does, the clock will begin ticking. Rumplestiltskin will also return and you will have to face him. The visions you had revealed the way to defeat him.”

Killian startled. “What? How do you know about that?”

She laughed. “I was the one who gave them to you, Killian,” she exclaimed. “I made that dagger when Rumplestiltskin became a vampire in order to destroy him and the Darkness forever. When I was unable to accomplish that back then, he enchanted the dagger so that I can’t even touch it. But you, or your soulmate, can. Use the knowledge I’ve given you. It will serve you well.”

“Can you tell me anything about Emma,” he begged. “Why her? What makes her my soulmate? Does she know? Has she ever known? Will she know?”

“True Love’s magic,” the fairy answered, “You were both created out of True Love. True Love that has carried down through the centuries. That is what made her FOR you. To answer your question ‘has she known’, she has felt the connection with you in the past. Not as strongly as you. Your senses are enhanced because of what you are. But she has not recognized it for what it truly was. Except that time in Chicago. She was so close to death, that she did recognize your connection. This time, when she returns, she will again. The True Love that you will hold together will destroy the Darkness forever.”

Killian’s eyes widened at the revelation that he was also created out of True Love. He knew that Emma was. He had seen it first hand in David and Mary Margaret. And while he knew that his parents loved each other deeply, hearing from the fairy’s own lips that they were also True Love, made Killian’s heart soar. “What about now? Is she safe?” he worried.

“Know that Emma and her family are safe, and will continue to be. She will return and the path forward will be laid before you.” Killian sat back, lost in thought, mind swirling with all the revelations of the night. The fairy was silent for a few minutes before she cleared her throat and stood from the table. “And now, I must bid you farewell, Killian Jones.”

Killian was brought back to the kitchen and company before him. “Thank you,” he breathed, sincerely, “I won’t waste the knowledge or opportunity you’ve blessed me with.” Nodding, she waved her wand, shrinking down to the size of his hand and disappeared into the night.

Turning back toward Starkey, Killian was gratified that his heart rate and breathing were steady. He picked the man up easily and carried him toward his own apartments a little further down the wing. He knew that come morning, he was going to have a lot of explaining to do. But as he refused to exercise his powers of persuasion or compulsion on his faithful servant of many years, there was no other way around it. After making sure he was comfortable in his own bed, he climbed the stairs to his own chambers.

Laying down on his own bed, Killian finally allowed the emotion of the day to wash over him. What had started out as any other day became one of the worst and then one of the best of his long, long life. He had answers. Emma and her family were safe. He was assured that he would see her again. He’d been patient before, he could do it again.

With a smile on his lips, he fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.

~*~*~

See? Happy right? Thanks for reading and sharing!