#the sadness hit a little too hard yesterday and today which made it feel more real

[hey-august]

I both love and hate talking about myself, so I'm gonna step out of my comfort zone a bit and share a lil update about why I've been less active lately 🩷

tl;dr - Am feeling sad. I'm still writing because it makes me happy, but it'll stay slow until things start turning around.

So last year was a heck of a time for me - pretty much the entire year had something going on that was stressful. (Slight tmi: This was the first time I that normal health cycles went all wonky from the stress, which only added to the feelings.)

I was on a new team (after 5 years with my prev team), there were restructures and layoffs, I no longer work with two of my favorite managers who were such pillars of support and work friends, my partner and I had to have a few tough conversations, and my dog had to have multiple surgeries for broken legs over the course of 6 months.

On top of that, I didn't prioritize time for myself, or time away from work, well. I didn't take more than a few days off at a time until earlier this month.

I realized that I was starting to feel burnt out and things were not getting better. My self esteem was dropping and not bouncing back.

I took off a full week earlier this month, which helped. I also started therapy.

This past weekend I got together with family, which we haven't done in-person in more than 10 years. It was nice and full of bonding, but we also unpacked a lot of unhappy memories from childhood. I think that chipped away at some of the healing that I hoped to get from the time off.

ALL THIS TO SAY, I'm feeling a little funky, emotionally. A lil sad, ya know? A little broken. I want to do things that make me happy, but it's hard. And the happiness seems to only last as long as I'm doing the thing.

But it is getting better. Even if it gets worse, that's part of the process sometimes. I don't like it, but it's gotta happen. So don't mind me if I'm quiet, if I say "I'm good!" or if post other things more often than stories.

I'm still here, still writing, and I'm always so happy to see yall pop up in my notifications and show up on my dash. 🩷🩷🩷

[renaiswriting]

Shadows of Desire (part 4)

Pairing: Yoon Jeonghan/Reader

Summary:

You always thought the only romance you would experiment with in your life was the one between pages under the flames at midnight. That was until you found him, because the feel of his fangs digging into your neck was more than addictive.

Warnings: None.

Word count: 1.6k

If you want to be tagged, please fill out the tag list form.

Author's note: This one was getting way too long, so I decided to upload the next in Part 5.

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"So what's on the menu for today?" Your brother asked, cleaning the sweat off his forehead with his arm. He had been preparing extra wood for the night as it was suspected that it would snow that week, and neither of you wanted to get sick.

 

"We have some onion leftovers from yesterday, and I think we have some tomatoes; maybe I can make a soup with it? Oh, we're running out of bread; I'll have to bake some more for the soup."

 

"We don't have more jam; I had the last bit this morning." He informed you, his face disappearing from the window, going back to his task.

 

You clicked your tongue; it lasted less than a week, and the amount you had made was usually enough for a month.

 

"Oh shit!" Your brother cried, storming into the bathroom holding his hand.

"what happen?!" You ran after him, worried.

 

Your brother didn't bother to answer; instead, he splashed his whole arm into the water, which quickly turned red.

 

"Oh my god! Are you okay?"

 

"Yeah, fuck it hurts!"

"You're going to get it infected!" You yelled at him when you saw your brother touching the wound with his dirty hands.

 

"It's going to burn a little bit." You told him beforehand, showing him the alcohol you had in your hands. Thankfully, it helped stop the blood, and soon your brother was covering it to avoid any sort of dust or anything like that infecting it.

 

"I should go and get more wood," he said, not even two minutes after the wound stopped bleeding.

 

"Are you out of your mind? You should rest it; it can start bleeding if you do something like that now!"

 

"(Y/n) I'm fine, it was just a scratch; we're going to freeze to death if we don't have more wood tonight. I'll rest later when I sleep."

 

"Bullshit." You mumbled, not wanting to get a scolding from your brother because of your words.

 

"If you want to help me, you can bring the wood that is already done inside, so I can finish faster."

 

You ran outside because you wanted to get over it as soon as possible because it was already freezing and the sky was white, almost a light gray, since another storm was hinting to hit anytime soon. It was so early, yet it seemed like it was already so late.

 

"You should put on a jacket; you're going to get so sick if you're planning on getting us more wood, especially if you're sweating like that." You nagged at your brother; Luke rolled his eyes but still went inside to put on his biggest jacket.

 There were so many wood pieces on the ground; your brother had clearly worked hard to make sure you were warm that night, and you surely had to cook him something warm for dinner as a thank you.

To entertain yourself while doing the task your brother gave you, you started singing a lullaby your dad used to sing to you when you were younger. It was so sweet, yet so sad. You felt a wave of nostalgia hit you when you finished the second verse.

You heard two soft knocks on the window near you, and you looked up, confused. Your eyes connected to those of another two that were looking straight into yours, and a small smile decorated the face of the young man who had his back relaxed against the wall.

The wood you had in your hands fell right to the ground.

"Hello," he said softly, his hand bringing his blonde hair back to its place as the wind had moved it to his eyes.

"Hi," you breathed. You felt your cheeks turning red as the man gave you his full attention. You felt small since you were still on the ground with the heavy wood in your hands. The man laughed, his eyes turning into two thin lines.

"Seems like you could use a hand there, my dear." His legs were long, and even when he was bending down and picking up the fallen wood to help you, he was still a bunch of inches taller than you. "I didn't mean to scare you like that."

"It's okay; I seem to have a talent for dropping things. Thank you for offering to help." You answered a beat or two late, and even though he apologized, he didn't seem sorry at all; if anything, he seemed pretty amused.

"My pleasure."

The man in front of you was thin, so seeing him lift all the heavy pieces of wood in one hand and offer the other one to you to help you stand up surprised you.

 

You cleaned your trousers of the dust and dirt from the ground before slipping your hand out of his hold. His hands were warm, even on such a cold day.

 

"You're freezing," he noted, clicking his tongue disapprovingly.

 

You extended your arms, trying to get him to take out all the pieces of wood in them, but instead he shook his head. "I'll take them; they are quite heavy, aren't they?"

 

"Take them?" You frowned. "But my brother worked a lot to get them."

 

The guy in front of you chuckled. "You misunderstood the meaning of my words; I'll take them for you, not away from you."

 

"Oh, I'm so sorry." You apologized quickly, the heat on your face growing in an embarrassingly short amount of time. "There's no need; seriously, I can take them myself; you've helped me enough."

 

"Well, lucky for you, I have a knack for playing the gallant hero." He smirked.

 

"Okay, thank you."

 

"Lead the way." He reminded you when you both stood there awkwardly without moving.

 

"Just over there, by the table. Thank you again." He walked behind you, carefully dropping the woods on the table so none of them dropped to the floor.

 

"Who's this?" Your brother asked, walking out of the bathroom with his hands in his pockets and his shoulders tensed.

 

"Jeonghan, nice to meet you." He introduced himself, walking towards Luke with a hand extended.

Luke accepted his hands, but his eyes were looking straight at you, accusing you.

 

"Jeonghan was nice enough to help me bring all this wood inside," you explained, hoping that was enough for him to avoid the nagging you would be receiving as soon as Jeonghan walked out of the house.

 

"Well, I was also the cause of you dropping them." Jeonghan smiled.

 

"Do you want something to drink? A tea, maybe?" You offered, already walking to the kitchen.

 

"Oh, please don't bother; I'm just fine." He rejected it, the smile never leaving his face. "I came here actually to give you something." He confessed, opening a bag he had on his shoulder.

 

"Give me something?" You asked, confused.

 

"It's not much, just a little thank-you present for the sugar you gave me the other night."

You felt yourself frown in confusion as your mind was quickly running to give you the memories from that encounter.

 

"Don't you remember?" He asked, chuckling. And just as he asked, the images came right to your mind.

 

Right, it was so late at night, and you were just about to go to sleep when someone knocked on the door, asking for some sugar.

 

"Of course I do! But there was no need for a gift; it was just sugar."

 

"None of that; I thought about bringing back sugar, but you mentioned that you were reading, so I thought a book would be more fitting. Sorry that it's not in a fancy presentation, but I ran out of time for that; hopefully you'll understand."

 

You felt your soul leaving your body as your heart beat faster in your chest. The book was one that you had been dreaming of getting your hands on for quite some time now, but it was not just rare but also extremely expensive.

 

"Oh my God." You managed to breathe as your hands touched every inch of the book. The pages were yellow, and the smell that came from every one of them made you feel drunk with happiness.

 

"I take it as you liked it." Jeonghan asked with a raised eyebrow.

 

"I do, but I can't accept it." You shook your head, forcing yourself to give it back to its owner.

 

"Why not? Do you already have it in your collection?" Jeonghan asked, confused. "The man that sold it to me told me it was a special book."

 

"It is," you confirmed the words that he had heard before, "but it's also extremely expensive for me to accept it; it was just sugar, and I can't." You shook your head, pushing the book towards his chest as the man refused to take it from your hands.

You could feel your brother's eyes coming right into your soul, telling you to not be stupid and take it since you both couldn't afford to buy expensive things.

 

But he only wanted you to accept it so you could sell it later, not for you to have it.

 

"I don't see the problem."

 

You buffed in disbelief, "You could probably leave just fine for a whole month selling this; I really can't accept it."

 

"Well, what about me giving it to you for a few weeks, then? I'll let you read it, and then you can give it back to me." He proposed, "What do you think about it?"

Your face gave away the answer. Jeonghan chuckled, moving the book back into your hands.

 

"Enjoy your reading, then." He smiled, closing the bag and walking to the door. "That was all. I guess I'll see you around next week."

 

Your brother nodded his head at Jeonghan, acknowledging the other man's goodbye. And as soon as he closed the door behind him, you heard your brother yelling at you for being so dumb.

[moonjxsung]

hi hi star

i saw your reply more than 24 hours ago but took my time. sorry for keeping you hanging, not exactly having the best day today.

thank you so much, you made my day by replying. i was really over the moon yesterday and wasn't even as fazed as i would usually be. (i almost had a fall-out with a really important friend but your sweet words were always in the back of my head so thank you so much.)

first off, i don't think i can put into words how grateful i am that you took a considerable amount of time out of your day to type out that reply to my ask.

i was more giddy and excited yesterday when i first saw your response since i had been checking your blog every few minutes, waiting to see if you would reply. (a little creepy, is it? i am sorry for that.)

but now after a really long day, listening to cover me on loop and reading it once again, though i have read your words umpteenth times already, this hits differently and well i have teared up too.

thank you so much, for every sweet word you typed out and especially for saying you cherish and love me. those words don't come out easily from me because yeah, life lifed, so to have someone say such things merely because i let myself approach them is a really big deal to me.

this is the first time i dared approach anyone, even anonymously so please forgive me if i ever say anything out of line. i don't usually talk to people except those i have been friends for over two years.

also the sentence - "my heart is so full knowing that people like you exist in the world" - i do not think i am worthy of such a deep sentence, i merely dropped to appreciate you, your personality and work. you deserve it and it honestly struck me a little because that made it sound like you don't get appreciated enough.

do not worry, i am here now.

though i might not read everything since i am not primarily into smut, but i will stick around because well, i want to and because you made me feel safe.

about reckless convictions, don't even get me started.

i have always been a fan of angst though not every angst can get a reaction out of me. i have read so many angsty fics without feeling sad at all, but yours? wow, i was going through the emotions with the protagonist.

i also really loved how jisung had his own flaws, how he wasn't a perfect person and just the whole story in general. i can't digest a complete tooth-rotting fluffy story, i don't find them realistic and i am always more comfortable in reading characters with a couple red flags because hey, that's who humans are.

now, let's go back about my little fall-out-ish situation with my friend since i am sure you would have gotten worried over that.

this happened because i have been pretty inactive, they don't have a large friend circle and i accidentally have been ghosting them. they didn't reach out to talk since they knew i needed space so we had a little misunderstanding but it's all resolved now.

i would have been really hurt because of that but because i was kind of on a serotonin high from your reply so i didn't, so thank you so much.

i think i should introduce myself a bit since well, i can scroll down your blog and know how you have been but you can't and that's unfair on you.

uhm tw for my intro : surgery, tumour, breaking bones, anxiety and related stuff

(i kept mentioning my anxiety last time without a tw, i am so sorry.)

uh i am your regular human with a clumsy streak so consistent that i would like to introduce myself as a klutz. i have severe anxiety, am very introverted and have a hard time opening up or saying things along the lines of 'i love, care' and such.

i have been a skz stan since '22. i believe they found me at the correct time because it was the time period where i had my worst mental and physical downfall. so, winter 2022 started with my tumour, which i got rid of through a surgery and i have been sick since without an escape.

i am a huge jisung stan or sungshine, as i like to call myself. he is the one who saved me and helped me move on from everything. i go about my daily life, convincing myself to do difficult things such as taking bitter medicine or completing a task by letting my brain think he would be proud of me for doing so.

i am probably oversharing now, aren't i? sorry about that, again.

you don't have to reply to all this, obviously. i am just daring to open up because i felt it was unfair for you to cherish a complete stranger.

regardless, about my clumsy streak, so er i somehow managed to break my own foot in my own home on 10th oct so i have been pretty inactive and limping all day since then.

this will be all of my intro for now. it was really long and unnecessary, wasn't it? i am sorry for that.

i hope your day has been going well, that you are happier than the previous day, that you have had a good sleep last night <3.

p.s. :: i was really concerned i wouldn't be able to give a decent ask but i somehow managed to yap so much.

once again, you don't need to read every sentence with focus, just skim through if you wish to.

have a good day, star.

you really brighten up a number of people's day.

p.s. (part 2) :: the dc server is such a cute idea. you and 🐇anon are super sweet for coming up with an opportunity to connect more with everyone. maybe i will join someday, hehe.

~ sungsengie anon

Hi my lovely angel I’m so sorry this is late! I’ve been going thruuuu it this week and I haven’t had proper time to sit and get through my asks. I hope things are okay with your friend? :( here to chat if you need to get anything off your chest. I’m sorry to hear you guys had an almost falling-out, that’s always really difficult to deal with :(

I’m so glad you decided to reach out and I’m so honored to receive messages so lovely from you 🥹 I mean it when I say that it means the absolute world to me to know that you have a level of trust in my blog, of all of the ones on here, to submit any sort of message. Anonymous or not, it truly makes my entire day. I mean it when I say that we’re lucky to have people as lovely as you in this world. The time you take to curate such a lovely message and pass along the love does not go unnoticed at ALL. You’re really such an angel and I hope you get back every ounce of love you give out into the universe. I’m glad you’ll be sticking around- whether it’s for the smut or not, it’s just nice to hear from you. I hope you’re always well and I hope you know that my blog is always somewhere you can find a safe space in ❤️

I’m so glad to hear that you love Reckless Convictions as much as I do. I’m also a huge fan of angst, I really can’t do stories that don’t have a little bit of it somewhere in there. I’m also a firm believer that people deserve second chances, and that your flaws don’t have to define you. So characterizing Jisung’s character as such just made sense to me ❤️ I’m so grateful it translated the same onto you :’)

Oh it seems we’re both dealing with the same situation in our friend groups 🥲 I also have a terrible habit of ghosting. I think it’s created a considerable mess in our friend group as it stands, but my friends also have a terrible trait of failing to reach out when I’m going through stuff, so I’m honestly at the point where if I do lose them as friends, I just can’t be bothered to care very much. I’m happy where I am and they live separate lives from me and I’ll be able to go on. I hope it’s not the same for you, and I hope you guys have resolved it with some communication. It really sucks to have it happen so many times that you reach that point of apathy in your friendships. You deserve a good support system and I do hope you have that irl, just as much as you do here with me and on stayblr ❤️

Your intro isn’t long-winded at all. In fact, I love hearing the intricate little details of people’s lives. I’m so glad you found skz when you needed them most. Life has a funny way of working that way, don’t you think? Just when you think you’re at rock bottom, you’ll find something that keeps you going just for a little bit. And then day by day you find yourself getting by with the help of little joys all around you. That’s how I felt with kpop as a whole, and especially with skz. It’s also how I feel about tumblr, writing, and stumbling upon lovely people like yourself. It’s all a gift, and I don’t take it for granted in the slightest 🫶👼

I do hope that you’ll remember it’s okay to put your reservations on the table and just be yourself here with me. I am by no means a perfect human being, and your struggles with anxiety, physical health, clumsiness, being introverted- they mean nothing in the grand scheme of things, because I think you’re a fantastic human being despite all of that. You just have human traits the way we all do, but on this blog you’re free to be as much yourself as you want to be. Be anxious, or introverted, or yap for several paragraphs if that’s what feels right. I’ll be here regardless, and you’re still a beautiful soul regardless. It’s nothing we haven’t seen here already- trust me as someone with crippling ocd and a tendency to yap to oblivion, I would never hold any of those things against you.

I hope your week is going amazing, I hope you find love wherever you go and I hope to hear from you again soon. Sending all my love, little sungsengie anon 🩷🫶 (also no pressure to join the discord, you’re also free to just add me on there if it’s easier to chat 1:1! my discord is moonjxsung if you ever need to reach me personally.)

Much love as always, and thank you for brightening MY day ❤️🥹👼🩷🫶

[foxgloveinspace]

@thoseeyeslikefire @absentviolet @kyloreno-911 (if anyone else wants to be tagged in my knitting updates and wants to tag me/us in their knitting updates just shoot me an ask!! And I'll try to remember to do so! Also If I'm supposed to be tagging you and I'm not, just tell me please!)

This is a long one!! And It's in the middle of the week cause I was waiting for yesterday, cause I got a little yarn haul, and then I was super excited and cast on with some of the yarn lmao.

I'm talking a lot about knitting plans today too, along with some of my w.i.p.s.

Firstly, my halloween/skulls cardigan is on hold for the moment, just cause I don't have enough yarn to finish it. I am almost done with side one, and I have used two and a half skeins, and I only have two left, and I'm on row 27? I think, of 31. I think. So I'm gonna get another skein this week when we go grocery shopping, and hope that it will be enough lol.

the first pics of the post, lol. You may be going 'Fox, didn't you just finish this hat?' the answer is yes! But while i was making it, my mom fell in love with it, and so I cast on another one immediately after. I am probably gonna finish this up today, but I decided to include pics, cause I'm keeping it in this really cute halloween bag my aunt gave me.

I am not mad about making another of these hats, I love the pattern (its the Ryegate Hat), and this yarn. I am so in love with this yarn, it's the Light Weight Essential Cotton Yarn by K+C. I love it so much in fact that I think I have more knitting plans with it. In this color too, cause it will be perfect for the project I have in mind.*

next we have part of the yarn haul, lmao. I was too excited when I got new sock yarn and immediately cast on a new pair of socks. I am making A Little Hocus Pocus socks, and I am making them with Paton's Kroy Socks Yarn in the color Midnight Orchid. It reminds me a lot of the genderqueer flag, but that wasn't the reason I got the yarn lol. I honestly just saw it an fell in love with the colors, and it didn't hit me that it matches my flag until I cast it on. I just thought it looked very magical.

the second part of my yarn haul are these beautiful skeins of Fishermen's Wool from Lion's Brand, in the color oatmeal. This is also kicking off my knitting plans for the future part of the post this week. This yarn is going to be used for a Gaia Shawl, which will be my Birthday Shawl for this year. Last year I started a tradition of casting on a shawl on my birthday, I made a Campfire Cozy shawl, and I knit on it during November and December and then I lived in it in January and February. I'm very excited to have a new shawl in the family tbh, even though I mostly wear them around the house. I don't know if this one will take me as long, and the Campfire Cozy has SO many textures, and the 'lace' portion was so complicated I started it over at least twice. I was also watching The Musketeers while knitting that lol, so that didn't help my concentration.

But because I can't cast that on until the 26th, I'm going to be picking back up my pass the honey cardigan, its been off to the side for a couple months now. I think I was just frustrated with it tbh. I like it a lot, but it was going to be a gift, and now it's just...... Here. And while I do like it a lot, I also feel a bit guilty about it?? Cause I tried so hard to make something my sister will enjoy wearing, and I couldn't find it at all. Very sad about that. But I do want to finish it, and I also think I have an idea about something I could make her in the future. But yes, I do want to finish that cause I think it will be great to wear in January.

*And Lastly, going back to the Light Weight Essential Cotton Yarn by K+C, Next month, a sweater pattern from the.creabea (Rebecca) called the Stick Season sweater will be coming out. And I am head over heels in love with this sweater. So I am going to be knitting it in the same yarn as the hats I've been making (both cause I have some left over, and because I think it will be amazing in this yarn). She also just has some absolutely beautiful knitting patterns, and I want to knit her patterns that are coming out for advent season this year too. I think her other sweater pattern that just came out, the Alder Sweater, is absolutely beautiful, but I am very intimidated by it, lol. Maybe one day I'll give it a try.

And that's it from me this week! Thanks for reading if you made it to the end, happy knitting and crocheting y'all!

[theretirementstory]

Bonjour et bienvenue, it’s day 18 of 🤞my 28 day stay in the hospital. I thought today I would provide throwback photos of my stay in Belfort earlier this year. This monument to the fallen is in The Square du Souvenir which I literally just stumbled upon on my last day in town.

It’s currently 18c with a top temperature of 29c due. Not that I know what any of that feels like being here in my “sterile room” with the shutters down to keep out any sun. I think in any other establishment this could be described as a cell 🤔.

This week has been a little bit tough, I had been warned of tough days but until they arrive you just think “oh yes”. Monday was a good day, the dietician didn’t arrive but the “sport coach” did and he put me through my paces, leaving with a cheery “à demain”. He arrived the following day and I did so well I was moved onto level two 😳. Monique arrived to see me and stayed for about an hour and a half, I was shattered the rest of that day. Then disaster! I felt dreadful on Wednesday didn’t want food, was sleeping a lot. Anie visited but after half an hour I was ready for sleep and she understood. This sorry state continued until Saturday, I was trying to remain positive but it can be hard. I was being given platelet transfusions and on Friday I had a reaction after one transfusion, I had had a reaction before but the nurse brushed it off that time, this time however they were more concerned and got a doctor to come and check me out. All seemed to be ok and I had platelets again yesterday and I was fine. Yesterday, I managed to eat ice cream, a banana and a pain au lait, that made me so pleased, I will start to take small steps with this food and hopefully they will soon stop the intravenous nutrition. It is a small but positive step. Maud has said she will visit this afternoon if I am up to it, I am up to perhaps a half hour visit but not the four hours she tends to spend here, she loses all track of time and I am exhausted.

I have been thinking about songs which I love for their music as well as lyrics or songs that I have loved over the years. The first one I have chosen this week is “Piano in the Dark” by Brenda Russell this was a hit in 1988. This lady also wrote “Get Here” which was a big hit for Oleta Adams in 1990. I have always enjoyed Oleta’s version but having just listened to Brenda Russell’s version I think hers is softer giving it a more romantic feel.

The second song I have chosen is “My oh My” by Sad Cafe from 1979. I was “sucked in” by Paul Young’s singing, and thoroughly enjoy the music. Unfortunately, Paul left us way too soon in 2000, aged just 53, fortunately for us his music lives on for us all to enjoy.

I hope you like these songs and if you don’t know them maybe listen to them too.

“The Trainee Solicitor” has been a busy bee again this week and is pretty bushed when he gets home. He celebrated two years in this job on the 13th September, so much has happened in those two years too.

“The Daddy” has been working at a branch nearer home this week although yesterday he did have a longer drive to the other branch. No children for him this weekend so perhaps he will be out working on his hobby; photography. He has been out with his camera this week I love to be sent photos, it reminds me of the place I called home for 26 years. but (as I think you know by now) my heart is well and truly attached to this life I have here in France.

“The Psychology Graduate” has submitted her dissertation and that is the end of student life. She is going to be working full time for the moment at her current part time job, while she looks for work in her chosen field. I wish her well with that.

So before I leave, here is another building in Belfort which I seem to think is the Market Hall. I loved all the glass and iron (or steel) structure. I know I say this about places I visit, “oh I will go back again” but to be honest there are other places I want to visit so maybe I should just take plenty of photos as my memories.

Jusqu’a la semaine prochaine

[marmee413]

Another minute and today's my Birthday

Yesterday I ranted about the school district. Today, I’m sad. I surveyed the students in my classes this morning, and only 5% of them found any -ANY-value in high school.  

I’m sitting in a class where it’s obvious the teacher cares, who assigns assignments to encourage students to think about their subject matter. Seniors care a little, Juniors, too. Freshmen?  They see high school as a complete waste of time. Maybe that’s just because they are, well, freshmen. 

There are so many confounding variables.  

________________________________________

Just finished Fahrenheit 451, by Ray Bradbury. 

What a read. I read it before. I was young and couldn’t completely  comprehend the depth of his words. I know it impacted me, though. I read everything I could get my eyes on.  

After finishing the book today, I became despondent. Have I done enough to be remembered?  Have I become one of the people of the city who only wanted fun and to laugh (not bad things to want), live as shallowly as the people around me, only concerned with hair and appearances as well as nail polish, and the car they drive? Have I lost my depth of thought? 

Am I a calamity howler? Do I still think too much?

I’m sickened that I don’t remember things. Events, thoughts, things I’ve read that I thought were important to know. I’m ashamed I don’t have a bucket of knowledge to ladle from in order to help others, especially my children, have a wise and good life.

I’ve lost the quote that shot me. A man’s grandfather died. He lamented not the loss of his grandfather the person so much, but the man’s things he did. “...he was a sculptor. He was also a very kind man who had a lot of love to give the world…made toys, did a million things in his lifetime, he was always busy with his hands. …when he died…he would never carve another piece of wood, or help us raise doves and pigeons in the backyard, or play the violin, or tell us jokes the way he did. …when he died…there was no one to do [the things] just the way he did.”

The grandson went on to say how his grandfather was important; “The world was bankrupt of ten million fine actions the night he passed on.”

The grandfather had said “Everyone must leave something behind when he dies. A child or a book or a painting or a house or a wall built or a pair of shoes made. Or a garden planted. Something your hand touched in some way so your soul has somewhere to go when you die/ And when people look at that tree or that flower you planted, you're there.”

It doesn’t matter what it is, as long as your work changes it into something different from what it was before you touched it. [paraphrased}  It has to be something you have touched. 

“Stuff your eyes with wonder. Live as if you’d drop dead in ten seconds. See the world. It’s more fantastic than any dream made of paid for in factories. Ask no guarantees, ask for no security, there never was such an animal and if there were, it would be related to the great sloth which hangs upside down in a tree all day every day, sleeping life away. To hell with that, shake the tree and knock the great sloth down on his ass.”

After reading this, I felt a total failure. It hit me so hard, I believe it is the basis for my continuing depression.  What have I done for anyone? Do I have a legacy? I can’t find a positive slant to give this feeling. And it has to come from within. My friends can’t say, “Well, you’re good for [blah blah blah]. 

In my shallow head, I thought maybe I just wasn’t getting enough sleep. But I have, and I’ve been drinking enough water. These are two of my triggers, dehydration and lack of sleep.

Not sure what I will do with myself.

[yoshimonster]

Blog Post #3: Me vs. You (but keeping your eyes open is the most important thing)

Hello world! It’s been a pretty steady but very strange ride today. I think today started off not so good with repetitive arguments which has been a recurring theme for me lately. It’s very weird that without university or a trip planned things get messy and super confusing in such a short period of time. Between yesterday and today, I’ve somehow managed to simultaneously anger but also resolve conflicts in my life with various people in my life. It’s all in a very in between place at the moment.

So unfortunately, I think I have this tendency to be way too direct if you talk to me for long/often enough and a habit of not reading the room well enough aka gaging what others are feeling moment by moment in real time. It sometimes feels like I’m still sort of hanging in outer space looking down at Earth or maybe on the FM radio station while the rest of the world is on AM. This is a very out of body experience which happens semi regularly and I don’t know how to control it, if at all, and is probably the reason why I’ve always enjoyed parallel universe fantasy type scenarios. Things that are real but perhaps not fully formed.

Anyways, was having a pretty horrible start to the morning but it did get semi-resolved because of a very clear directive I was given. But I assume the overwhelming sadness got to me and I remember it being hard to move past what had happened even though technically I did somewhat complete something that needed to be done. It can be really difficult surrounded by extremely aware and competent individuals when it feels like my head is in the clouds a lot the time. Just daydreaming about a better life.

I think past lunchtime things did get a little better and I did get some maths revision in, which I have a lot more to do off. I have only barely managed to be slightly less than average holiday-productive. I also did virtually catch up with a friend who I’d annoyed a few days ago and didn’t realise it until the end of our original interaction. But yes, I think following that I have annoyed this friend once again – please refer to the second paragraph – pretty soon after this virtual catch up. I think I’m back to being hated again (EDIT: maybe, this is a TBD).

But all this made me realise how fickle things can be, which I did know of already what with a not so stellar university track record, but when it starts effecting all the different parts of your life … that’s when things get really bad and generally out of control. It just hit me why I’ve historically kept all my friends at such arms’ length constantly and when you get close it really brings out the truer parts of your personality – some of which aren’t the prettiest. It’s so hard to grow up live/in real-time when you don’t see the world or when everything feels so alien. I have no clue where to go from here, I reckon autopilot seems like my most viable option right now, which is quite similar to how I’ve actually been dealing with university. Just get stuff done and move onto the next thing… with an added dose of present-ness.

-yoshimonster-

[missmisery444]

part i: yesterday

i remember crying inside of my mothers red hatchback when i was six. i was in the passenger seat, holding a balled up, now tattered and wet piece of tissue paper i had picked up from inside the dusty cup holder. the windows were down, the ac was on and the wind was hitting my face ever so slightly that it made my hair stick to my skin which was red and wet and salty with tears. the blaring October wind and the resulting engine noise from the bold 'eighty' on the speedometer were the only sounds i could hear, other than my own sobs and heartbeats and missed breaths. i'd just had the worst day of my life (the first of many to come. i'll always remember this like yesterday because the reason i had cried was the very reason i still cry today). my mother looked at me with an alien expression on her face because i was her good, pleasant, well-mannered child who never questioned authority and was never ever sad. i had cried once before when i had thrown up all over my shirt on the first day of school (it was my favourite shirt). she told me things she thought i wanted to hear (she is the strongest and weakest, kindest and cruelest woman i have ever known and i'm afraid i'm growing up to be just like her) i refused to tell her why i was crying, continually clutching onto the ball of tissue in my hands and wiping my face into my wet hands (my hands get wet whenever i feel something)

second grade was hard when you didn't have friends (i had tried so hard to be liked because i didn't like myself). i'd had yet another day with all of my feelings disregarded (i would grow up to find out that my feelings will always be disregarded) i couldn't figure out what i had done wrong. i had been perfectly inviting, brought up things other girls in my class always talked about ("i want the barbie dream house SO BAD"), i would do whatever i was asked to do and never questioned them. i don't know what they wanted (six year olds are evil).

but it was kind of complicated. it wasn't that i didn't have friends. i had friends. the kind that would sit with you in the cafeteria. the kinds that would invite you to their birthday party and save you a seat in the auditorium. but i was never the friend they talked about all day. never the friend that was picked first in a group project. never the friend that was invited to all the sleepovers. never that friend they voluntarily called and hung out with.

i grew up feeding on that feeling. i hated feeling unimportant but yet it gave me comfort. i was unfamiliar to the idea of unconditional love and i craved it so much i would drain every drop of blood in my body in exchange for one look of love where i was the first choice; but i ran away every time i was glanced at with even the littlest of feeling.

i am a paradox. i want to be happy but all i do is think of things that make me sad. i have the most vivid dreams and ambitions, but i can't find myself doing anything to achieve them. i don't like myself but i also don't hate myself. i crave attention but i reject it when it comes my way. i am a conflicted contradiction and i wish i was anyone but myself.

part ii: today

i am the most devastated woman in the corner of the classroom. i have friends and they promise they love me but i still find myself asking them if they lie to me because they pity me and the terrible place inside my mind. i suppose i am still the happy child my parents have known. i suppose i cry more often now (it's not like they know that). i suppose i watch that one scene in lady bird and destroy my insides every time ("i wish that you liked me.""of course i love you""but do you like me"). i think i am tired of being the second choice but yet not exhausted so i will bear with this feeling for a little longer. i suppose i laugh more too now; its probably because i've become used to the pain of loneliness now. i feel incomplete without the pain. pain is inherent and it is a part of my body as much are my hands and my head. pain is my friend and it sits by the window sill as it admires my pathetic face every time i wake up and prepare myself to have the same day that i've had for the past four years.

[lokisprettygirl]

Hit me Baby, One more Time (Wrestler Loki x Female Reader)

Read chapter 20 here

Chapter 21

Summary : He takes you and then he breaks you again

Warning : 18+, Smut, Sex, Dom loki, Degradation, Praise kink, Unprotected sex, a little dumbification kink, mean loki, sad loki

As soon as you got into your bedroom, he picked you up and pressed you against the door, your legs automatically wrapped around his waist, he took his jacket off but his lips never left you, then he pushed his hair back with one hand while another played with yours. You couldn't stop kissing him and he couldn't either, the fact that you were going to have sex with him in your parents house made you feel so dirty. Sweet good y/n. Look where he got you in just three months.

He sneaked his hand behind your head and took the clutcher out of your hair, throwing it behind him "Want me to fuck you sweet darling girl?" He asked you and you only moaned into his mouth in response, but that wasn't enough. He needed to hear you.

"Use your words ditzy little whore, I haven't even done anything yet, you're so pathetic for me" he whispered in a rough commanding voice and god that went straight to your cunt, you could feel your clit throbbing at the tone of his voice "Pleasee please fuck me daddy, I have waited so long" you mumbled and he smiled at the use of the term.

"Begging daddy to fuck you in your dad's house? What would he think of you if he finds out about his sweet innocent y/n acting this way" 

He whispered again and you felt so humiliated, so so humiliated but gosh you have never felt hotter. He walked backwards and he put you down on the bed and then he took his shirt off, your eyes raked over his Adonis like build, the bruise he showed you yesterday healed almost to nothing.

He crawled on top of you, your bed seemed so small, he didn't think he would fit on it if he tried to sleep there, but right now that wasn't his main concern. He was going to fuck you and you looked at him so lovingly, he could see the lust in your eyes, but he also could see something else and it scared him. 

But he didn't want to stop today, he wanted to take you right in the arena, when he saw you scream at him from the crowd the first time, he had waited far too long to feel your cunt wrapped around his cock. He can't wait anymore.

He leaned and he kissed you again, but his hair kept falling on your face which made him groan, so he got up and he pulled his hair up in a high ponytail, that somehow managed to make him look sexier if it was possible. 

He made you feel as if you were levitating and he hasn't even done anything yet, you were soaked just by the thought of his hard big cock pumping in and out of you. You never felt like that with Jack, and the thought of his name brought the insecurity that he bore in you You're not bad, but you're not good either . That's what he said. You were not good, you were not good and you were going to disappoint him. 

He pulled your top out from underneath your skirt, but he didn't feel you react to it, you seemed frozen in your spot and he was afraid that you had changed your mind. So he looked at you, he got up on his arms and he clicked his fingers to make you look at him "You seem lost birdy, if you're second guessing it, we don't have to do it" he told you softly and you looked at him, you rubbed your hands on his chest as you looked down, you didn't want him to see you tear up. 

You were dampening the mood. With your tears.

He pressed your chin up with his thumbs and as soon as he saw your teary eyes, he leaned down to kiss you softly. The confident sexy birdy he got to witness a few moments ago seemed lost again and it broke his heart to see you like that, if he had any.

"What's wrong sweetheart, talk to me" he whispered as he kissed on your earlobe and you sniffled once, you tried to sit up so he got up with you, he sat on his knees in front of you and you looked at him. Then you crawled closer to him and you hid your face between his neck, your arms wrapped around his neck, he wanted to protect you from whatever was hurting you in the moment.

"What? Birdy, sweet girl? Say something okay?" He whispered again and he heard you sniffing "I ..uhh..don't want..don't want to disappoint you" 

You hiccuped between your words and he instantly wrapped his arms around your waist. "I want to be good, ..not bad, don't want to embarass myself" you sniffed more, you were embarrassing yourself already, or that's what you thought. 

He pulled your head away from between his neck as he felt your tears soaking his skin, he wiped your tears with his thumbs and then placed a soft kiss on your forehead.

"You can't disappoint me ever, I have told you that before right?" He kissed your cheek on right side and then he spoke again "You're so sexy, so gorgeous, you feel so good and taste so sweet, so tight and so responsive for me, it's not your fault that he couldn't bring that side out of you even when he had all this time with you, don't let his words break your confidence like that" he kissed you on the other side of your cheek and you clutched onto his shoulders, your nails digging into his skin, but he didn't care.

"Please, I want to do this, please fuck me loki, baby please" you mumbled desperately, his words made you feel better and even though you didn't believe everything he said,

You still needed him in every way today.

He laid you down swiftly, didn't ask any more questions or confirmations. He have always been a rough lover, never fucked a woman softly, but he has been breaking his rules since the day he met you, sometimes for you and sometimes to piss you off. 

He took your top off and then your skirt followed, his eyes glanced over your exposed skin, he hadn't seen you completely bare yet before, he leaned down on top of you again to kiss you, you felt his tongue rolling in your mouth and then he sucked on yours.

When he took your bra off, he didn't even wait a second before you felt his lips latched on to one of your nipples, he sucked and licked and sucked again "Look at you, aren't you a rare piece of beauty?" He whispered and you moaned at his words. A rare piece? How?

He didn't want to degrade you or be rough with you, he wanted to praise you and call you his good girl as he would fuck you gently. He placed down the wet kisses from your sternum to your torso and then you felt him sucking on your soaked drenched panties, you gripped his ponytail and gave it a little tug which made him grunt in response.

When he pulled your underwear down and off your legs, you felt too exposed and too naked, he still had his pants on so you sat up and you tried to unbutton him but he held your hand "Sweetest little thing, let me take care of you today" he whispered and he got off the bed to undress himself, his cock hard and erect as it came into your view. Your first thought was the fact that he won't fit inside you.

He kissed you furiously as he got on the bed and gosh you wanted to disappear in him or rather you wanted him to disappear every inch of himself in you. He wrapped your legs around his waist again and you felt his cock rubbing against your lips, you were so soaked you were starting to drip and he knew he would slide in smoothly but he wanted to torture you some more

"Oh godd loki, you're so big..I.. I can't fit you" you whispered and he looked up from sucking a mark on your neck "You'll fit every inch of me inside you pretty girl, you have made me wait so long, you're going to be my good girl now and take everything I would give you okay?" He whispered and you shook your head at his commanding voice, he have dreamt of this most of the nights since he met you  "Yess daddy please, I need to feel you inside me please" you begged again and you're right where he wanted you, begging and writhing underneath him. Desperate for him.

"Ditzy little thing, are you not going to ask me to put a rubber on?" He asked you and your felt perplexed and dumb for real, he made you lose control in every possible way. 

"I uhh I'm sorry, yes please do that..but I don't have it" you told him honestly and he gripped on your hair to pull your head back as he sucked on your neck again "Are you on pills?" He asked you and you nodded your head in yes "Good girl, You trust me?" Then He asked you again

"I do trust you loki" 

And then he thrusted inside you, you didn't trust him to be clean though, he's a pro womanizer, but he asked you if you trusted him? So that must mean he's clean right? You hoped so.

Your thoughts went haywired pretty soon as you felt the stretch from his thick tip, you have never been stretched like this before and you loved it. He was breaking you and pushing you past your limits and gosh you wanted him to take everything from you. He groaned as your cunt held him in a vice-like grip. 

"Fuck you're so tight darling, you feel me in there yet? Gonna show you how good fucking can get with a real man'' Oh you did, you felt stretched in a way you have never been before, he always felt oddly jealous of jack, he might not have your body like this but he had your heart and the thought bothered him especially because he knew he didn't even wanted you like that. Right?

You gripped onto his shoulders again, your head thrown back, eyes closed, hair still wet from the rain, you looked so pretty he couldn't take his eyes off you, he gave you a few moments to adjust to his size and then he pushed himself in slowly, inch by inch, more and more until he bottomed out in you completely.

"Fuckk loki oh god I can't..I can't take you" you whispered softly and he smiled at your reaction, you snugged him so tightly around you that he had to relax a little to not cum inside you so quickly, he promised to make this good for you, the best ever

"You will sweet thing, you will take daddy's cock and you'll take all of it, just breathe darling, and relax your little quim around me, look at me" you opened your eyes as you heard him and he was on his knees, his arms on either side of your head, he was looking straight into your soul, you felt exposed in more ways than one.

"You okay darling? Use your words" he whispered as his thumb rubbed against your cheekbones, scratching over it gently.

"I am, I just need a moment, you're so big" you mumbled and it made him chuckle. When you adjusted to his size, he started to move his hips in and out of you slowly, the sounds of your moans in his ear made him go faster, you could hear the quelching sound his cock made as he thrusted in and out of you, So vulgar, he wanted to ruin you and make you fall apart on him over and over again.

You felt his cock deep inside, places you didn't even know existed inside you, his cock rubbed against that sweet spot and that made you want to cum now "oh Lokii daddy please I'm close" he hasn't even been inside you even for a minute, he felt so proud of himself and you felt so pathetic but so good.

"Cum sweet girl, drench daddy's cock, soak me" he whispered, his thumb found your clit and he squeezed the nub between his fingers, that made you scream his name loudly and you let go instantly, you wrapped your arms around his neck and pulled him closer, you were suffocating him in every sense of the word. He didn't mind it even a bit. You moved your hips mindlessly as you rode through your high and he was fascinated by the look on your face. He made you feel that way. He did this to you.

"Fuckk that was good, oh god I have never cum so fast in my life" you mumbled and he pulled himself away from you, he didn't let you rest even a minute before he started thrusting in again "You're going to be a good girl and do it all over again" he whispered and you wanted to cum as many times as he'd make you today, all night all day, you wanted to stay close to him.

"Your bed is so tiny, just like you and your cunt, doing so good for me tiny little whore, you look so small under me, so ruined, so desperate, there's my good girl" his filthy words enticed you further, you loved the height difference you both had, he seemed to get off on that too, you noticed that his ankles were dangling from off the bed, your bed wasn't small, he was just too tall. 

"Ohh god yess yess, what is this feeling ..I can't..oh god I can't" you mumbled incoherently as you felt his cock rubbing against the same spot, the sweet sensations started to churn up again.

"That's your sweet nerve, little thing and I " he pulled out completely and then slammed hard in one go, hitting that spot again "have found your weakness" he whispered and grunted as you clenched your walls around him. He thrusted hard and fast and you couldn't stop being so vocal with your moans. He loved all the sounds you were making for him, Because of him

"Oh babygirl, you do have the best little pussy I swear" he have fucked so many women before, he wasn't new to the feel of a tight twat constricting him like that but he has never felt so draped like this before.

"And you have the biggest, thickest cock daddy" you heard him grunting at your words and he closed his eyes, then he increased his pace, he leaned down and when he opened his eyes, you were looking right at him, you put your hands up to cup his cheeks and that's when he knew that he was truly fucked in more ways than one, that this wasn't just about lust, that he wasn't merely infatuated, that's when he knew what this feeling was and he hated it. He never wanted this. He can't handle this. It's too much, he's not made for this. 

"Are you going to cum inside me daddy" you whispered and he leaned down to kiss you sloppily, his heart felt heavy, you trust him with your body and your heart too it seemed

"Want me to fill you up little thing? Want to be stuffed full of daddy's cum?" You moaned as you heard him and he was so close to exploding inside you "Please cum inside me Loki, please please please, I need your cum in me, I have never had it before" and god he did, he came so hard at your words, you clenched your walls again and as soon as you felt him filling you up like that you came too. You have never been filled like that before. Never did it without a condom.

He panted heavily on top of you, you stayed draped around him until you both calmed down, you smiled as soon as you got back to your senses. Best sex ever without a doubt.

"That was so good" you smiled at him, and he was looking at you in a way so unfamiliar, his eyes seemed so soft and loving? you couldn't figure out that look. 

After a while he pulled himself out of you and then he used your bathroom to clean himself up, he came out with a wet towel and he wiped you clean, his cum was seeping out of your swollen, sore entrance so he used his fingers to push his cum back in. You looked Fucked. You looked His.

"Come here" you opened your arms as you called out to him, your mind still in a trance, you were high off the endorphins in the moment. Not thinking about anything else. He threw the towel in the corner of your room and he crawled next to you. He is a big huge man but he submerged himself in your embrace somehow.

He caressed your hair as you fell asleep in his arms, enjoying the feeling of you one last time, he can't do this to you or himself, he's not that strong, his mind couldn't hold one thought in the moment, it was a huge mess in there, he couldn't stop thinking of the ways he'll end up hurting you, he is his father's son afterall.

 "Be careful if we keep doing this, I might fall in love with you" If you weren't already, You whispered as you giggled and That was the last straw for his overwhelming emotions. He has never felt this way after sex, always felt good after he came, but right now he wanted to disappear and hide. 

When you woke up the next morning, you woke up smiling, so sore but so happy, you saw him on the edge of the bed, he was putting his watch on his wrist, so you crawled over to him and you wrapped your arms around his frame and you placed your chin on his shoulder so you could look at him "Why you up so early?" You asked him softly and he shrugged "Don't do that birdy" he unhooked your arms quickly and you had a sinking feeling in your belly instantly.

"Do what?" You asked him as you covered yourself up with the duvet and he looked at you, he grabbed his jeans from the floor and put it on quickly "I gotta go" he told you. And you looked at him, you wanted him to stay, you wanted him to go back to him being cute with you, like he has been before he fucked you but he seemed so rude and distant now. What did you do?

"Go where?" You asked him as you teared up and he looked at you "For god sake don't do that, you knew what this was and I have a rule" he told you and you understood everything. Everything made sense, his one fuck rule, he came here not because he wanted to see you but because he wanted to fuck you and get it over with.

"Is that why you came here?" You asked him as tears poured down on your cheeks, your voice all choked up, he didn't want to hurt you like this, but he didn't want to lead you on any further either "Yes, why else would I be here" he answered quickly and you nodded, you looked at him hurt and shocked "Because you said you missed me? Because you care about me?" You sniffed and your lips trembled, you somehow got the words out, he made you feel so good last night only to hurt you like this?

"Do you believe everything every man says to you? I just wanted to fuck you since the beginning, you knew that" he told you nonchalantly and you shook your head. Of Course should have known. His heart broke every second but you'd be hurt less now than you'd be years later. You'll be over this soon, just like he would be. He hoped.

 "Was I bad? You won't break your rule for me?" You knew you were embarrassing yourself at this point but what did you have to lose anymore? His heart rendered at your broken voice. He never wanted you to feel used like this or for you to feel as if you were not good.

"It's not about you okay? You were good, one of the best I have ever had, but rules are rules and they are not made to be broken" one of the best? One of the best? You felt your heart breaking and it was your fault that you did. How could you even think that he would change his ways or break his rules for you? That he would stick with you? Have you seen him, why would he give up all the women for you?

"So you're leaving for NY?" You asked him as he put his jacket on and he looked at your tear soaked face. He never wanted to hurt you like this, but he should have known it would lead to this "Yeah, I got what I came here for" he told you "But you said that-" you continued to embarrass yourself further but you knew he didn't care about you. He Never did.

"I said that I would be your rebound guy and I guess I did my thing, I can't give you anything more than that, I don't do that you knew that from the beginning" he told you honestly and you got off the bed finally, you went towards your closet and you put a bathrobe on to cover your naked body and then you grabbed his arm, and you dragged him out of your house.

"Get out, I never want to see you again ever" he teared up as he heard you and he wanted to go down on his knees and apologize to you but he didn't do that either because what's the point? Why should he apologize when he is going to hurt you again? 

He stepped off your porch and looked at you one last time, he wanted to wipe your tears and hold you, he wanted to cuddle you again but he have ruined it and he had to ruin this for your own good, then he was gone, truth to be told he would have stayed if his emotions didn't came in between, he didn't leave because he didn't feel anything, he left because for once in his life he felt something, and the feelings scared him to the core.

It was only when he left is when you cried your heart out on the same bed he made you feel so good just a few hours ago. You must have sucked in bed for him to not even stay around you for even an hour after he woke up, he left like nothing ever mattered to him. That the time he spent with you meant nothing, the texts, the phone calls, the sweet gesture he made two days ago, the cuddles, they meant nothing to him, You felt used and you felt betrayed again, you trusted him, you shouldn't have.

He felt so numb, so dejected after you threw him out of your house, he didn't deserve to see you ever again after what he has done, he didn't want to hurt you but he knew if he kept going down this path with you, he would hurt you in more ways than one, he would break you like Odin did with his mother, like jack did with you. He was just another man and they're all the same.

When he reached his hotel all he wanted to do was take his stuff and get out of this city for good and as soon as he can, before the need to get back to you would overwhelm him he wanted to leave, but when he reached the lobby of his hotel, he saw someone he didn't expect. 

"Are you stalking me now?" He asked thor and thor smiled in return "Oh brother, coming back from your girlfriend's are you? You have started to sound like her" Thor chuckled and he just wanted to beat him up.

"I have been waiting for you here, all night, but I should have known you'd spend the night with your 'Girlfriend' " he put a lot of emphasis on the term girlfriend again and again and it pissed Loki off. How did he know you were here?

"What do you want you dimwit scrub?" Loki sat down on the couch next to thor and thor chuckled in response "That's no decent way to talk to your elder brother" thor pretended to be hurt and loki rolled his eyes 

"Cut the shit, what do you want?" He asked him and Thor smiled in return "You know what I want Loki, where is mother?" He asked seriously but it was Loki's turn to snicker and gloat "Mother? Oh you do remember that huh? I'll never tell you, you're wasting your time" 

Loki stood up to go to his room but thor's voice stopped him dead in his tracks 

"Oh by the way, I didn't stalk you here little brother, I stalked your girlfriend, your birdy, how is she by the way? The 14 hours I spent with her, she seemed so so sad" 

➖➖➖➖➖➖💚💚💚➖➖➖➖➖

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[mercy-burning]

Good Little Helper

Pairing: Season 5! Spencer Reid x fem!Reader Summary: Reader gets assigned to be Spencer’s personal assistant of sorts after he gets shot in the knee. Category: SMUT(18+) Content Warnings: fingering (female receiving), blowjob, praise kink, dirty talk, blink and you’ll miss it cumplay Word Count: 4.7k

MASTERLIST

NOTE: So, remember yesterday when I posted about how I wished new ideas would stop distracting me from everything I’m currently working on? Yeah. This wouldn’t leave me alone, and I couldn’t work on anything until I got it out of my head, so here! Have a fic! (It was supposed to be a blurb, but I got a little long-winded so now it’s too long to be a blurb oops 😙✌) Also, I apologize for any editing mistakes, I just wrote this out in one go, so hopefully it’s alright!

***

Being assigned to assist Dr. Reid with practically his every need after he was shot in the knee wasn't exactly how I expected to spend the past few months.

And that's, like... a huge understatement.

In fact, when Agent Hotchner came up to me in the break room and said he'd like me to do the job, I dropped my coffee and shattered a mug. I could tell he was a little impatient with me, even through his kind reassurances that it was quite all right as he helped me clean it up and waited for an answer.

In the end I'd said yes to the job, though the more I thought about it the more I wondered how much lust and naivete had clouded my judgement when I did.

Because there was absolutely no way I was going to be able to survive weeks, possibly months, as Spencer Reid's assistant. Not only because he was intimidatingly intelligent and there was almost nothing I could offer him in decent conversation, but also—and more prominently—the fact that I was pretty sure I was in love with him.

Maybe that was a stretch. I definitely had a stupid major crush on him that felt more like we were in middle school, but I could barely look at him without going warm all over. In fact, I think we had only ever made eye contact once and I averted my gaze immediately, afraid I'd give myself away. If I'd have held it any longer, I was positive I'd have burst into flames.

He'd tried talking to me once, a few months after I started working at the Bureau, and it was only to ask if I'd send some files over to their tech analyst, Penelope Garcia, but when I tried answering, I stumbled over my words and ended up only getting out a squeaked, "Uh huh," before taking the files from him and scurrying off.

I almost cried that day.

Basically every time I was in his presence, I was a total wreck. Even more so than I was on any other given day.

Being his assistant did get fairly easy pretty early on, though. I mostly just stayed out of his way while he worked, and if he need anything that he could've gotten himself if not for the injury, it was my job to get it for him. I worked on my own paperwork most of the time, and he was always busy working on geographical profiles and whatever else, we only ever really had to talk when he asked for something. And that only required a, "Sure," on my end, so I could just get up, get what he needed, and then go back to work.

Still, it didn't help that sometimes I'd get distracted.

He was very distracting.

I usually waited until I was sure he was so busy in work that I wouldn't get caught. And that's when I'd peek over my computer or hide behind a book and stare at him. I know that sounds creepier than it is, but if you had to spend almost every hour of the day with him, you'd have done the same. Even though for months he was put on rest from the field, he always showed up looking more like a college professor than an FBI agent. Which, I suppose suited him more anyway. Regardless, it was a damn fine look. His hair was decently long and extremely pretty, and when he got the cane?

I was a goner.

It was at that point, though, when I started to realize that he probably wouldn't need my help anymore. He'd been allowed back into the filed by then, and even when I went with them on cases it still felt like I was more out of place than usual. Sure, I'd picked up on some minor skills that aided in profiling and otherwise, but at the end of the day I was still only a desk clerk. Sooner or later, I knew there would be a time where Agent Hotchner would inevitably tell me that I'd done a good job and could return to my menial day job.

So, even though Dr. Reid and I had gotten into a pretty regular, non-awkward rhythm, I was being a little more squirrely than usual.

And of course, he noticed.

"Y/N, are you doing alright?" he asked, looking up from his stack of paperwork. That was another thing we'd ended up doing— late into the night after everyone had gone home, we stayed late in the conference room and quietly filled out paperwork.

I barely looked him in the eye when I answered. "O—Oh, mhm. I'm fine."

"Oh... You just seem... a little different today."

On any other day I would have freaked out on the inside like a teenager, excited that he'd noticed me at all enough to notice a difference in my behavior. But that was his job after all.

"Actually, you seem rather... sad."

I did look up at him this time, and the soft glow of the table lamp lit up his features— features that looked me over with concern. I could feel my face grow warmer with every second I looked at him, until I quickly looked back down at my paper and shook my head.

"N—No, I'm okay. Promise. Just a little tired, that's all."

Usually he would have left it at that, given we didn't ever really have longer conversations than that that didn't pertain to whatever case the BAU was working on. But he pushed further, and I swallowed.

"Are you sure? Because... You can tell me if there's something wrong. I'm a good listener..."

Did I dare tell him what was really plaguing me? That I was scared I wasn't going to be able to spend time with him every day, thus most likely giving away my crush? That is, if he hadn't already figured it out by this point... Truthfully it wouldn't have surprised me.

The thought made me go warm again, and still, I kept my head down.

"I'm sure..."

And then I did something I probably shouldn't have. I looked back up at him, just a quick glance, but under his intense gaze I crumbled, flitting my eyes back down and playing with my hands.

"Is it... because of me?"

Afraid suddenly that I'd made him feel bad, I straightened a little. "No! No, not at all I... Um... I—I guess I'm just... A little sad that I'm probably... not going to be of any help to you anymore. You know, now that you're healing up."

A small smile flashed over his face, and I inwardly melted.

"Oh... In that case I... I guess I'm sad, too."

"Really?" I asked softly, my heart jumping.

"Mhm," he answered back in earnest. His features were softer than they'd ever been, eyes wide and kind, smile inviting... "You've been a great help. And you're fun to be around."

I couldn't help but smile shyly at his confession, completely bewildered that he'd think of me as someone he'd enjoyed being around, though I'd offered just about nothing interesting to any conversation we'd had. "Y—You don't mean that..."

"I do."

"C'mon, really? I... I—mean... coming from you that's... that's too generous."

He laughed a little. "How do you mean?"

"I... Well, y—you're you... I mean, you're... smart, and nice, and cu— uh,... n—nice..." I stumbled hard on that last one, squeezing my eyes shut at the thought of almost calling him cute to his face... And then I realized I'd called him nice two times... in a row.

I hadn't even realized he'd gotten up and walked over to me until I felt his cane gently tap my leg. I jumped, looking up at him and almost crumbled again right then and there. He stood over me, tall and clearly amused, and I wanted to just curl up and hide where no one would ever find me.

I also didn't want to be craning my neck so far up to see him, so I stood up, sending my chair rolling back a foot or two. The added height was better, but he was still fiarly taller than me, and with the way were standing so close to each other?

Maybe I'd made a mistake...

"I—I'm sorry," I stammered.

Still amused, Spencer tilted his head a small amount. "What for?"

"I... I don't know, m—making this awkward?"

"It's not awkward."

"It... It's not?"

He shook his head, quiet for a few beats before he nearly whispered. "What were you going to say?"

I paused. "I... What?"

"Before... You said I was smart. And nice... And... What else?"

It sounded like he was trying to get me to confess something, and quite honestly I couldn't tell if it was for humiliation or amusement or clarification purposes. I mean, it was probably safe to assume he wouldn't go out of his way to humiliate me, but... it still made me nervous.

"I—I didn't... I..."

"Y/N... Tell me?"

I'd been cornered. Quite literally, too, as my lower back hit the edge of the table. My hands shook anxiously at my sides as I contemplated what to say. The truth? Embarrassing for me. A lie? I was no good at telling lies, and I'd still end up embarrassed, because he'd be able to tell.

So, after a very long silence in which he waited on me to answer, I blurted out, as quietly as possible, "Cute."

The word sounded juvenile coming from my mouth. Right now, standing under Dr. Reid's intense scrutiny, it didn't even feel like the right word to describe him. Not that it wasn't true... But it just wasn't an elegant enough descriptor for him.

And that alone probably proved just how different we were. How out of my league he was...

"That's what I thought you were going to say," he mused, slightly breaking me out of my self-deprecation.

I would have asked him something then, anything to keep myself from looking like even more of a fool with a childish schoolgirl crush, but all words escaped me entirely. All I could do was look up at him, slowly growing warm under the intensity of his eyes and praying he wouldn't think of me as silly.

Though, it wouldn't have mattered, because he kept talking anyway, his body taking up even more space around me as his arms came around to well and truly trap me against the table.

"You're right, you know... I'm almost completely healed, and pretty soon I think I won't need an assistant anymore."

I was scared that maybe I was wrong before, and he'd actually humiliate me now, though the look in his eyes suggested otherwise. I wasn't sure what to make of all of it. SO I just stood there, trying to breath steadily as Spencer studied my face.

"And I meant it... That makes me sad. You know why?"

I shook my head, afraid to make a sound.

His head dipped lower, close enough that I could feel his breath on my mouth as he spoke. "I probably won't get to see you every day."

"Y—you want to see me?" I couldn't help but ask.

He scanned my eyes, amusement and something else lingering there as he did. "Yes."

And then he kissed me.

It was a short distance, but it felt like we went far. And I hadn't even registered that I whimpered into his mouth until he returned it with a low groan that boiled my insides and absolutely melted me. I was helpless against him as he pressed himself further against me and used his hands to keep my back steady.

The whole time my mind was swimming with dizziness. It felt like my body was covered in butterflies from head to toe, particularly strong where his hands pressed into me and his cane rested firmly along the inside of my thigh.

I leaned forward when he pulled away, because I was afraid that he was saying goodbye. But one of his hands came up to my face and my eyes fluttered open, immediately taking notice of how messy his hair was now that I'd had my fingers in it.

I must have looked scared, because suddenly his eyes changed, and he removed his hands away from me altogether, putting distance in between us. "I—I'm sorry. I shouldn't have kissed you without asking..."

The relief that rushed through my body must have gotten to my head, because I breathed out a demand I'd never have had the courage to get out before.

"Do it again."

One second I was staring at him, admittedly afraid that he'd regretted all of it, and the next I was seeing stars as he came forward and kissed me again. His hands cradled my face as he did so, coming on to me with gentle care while still maintaining that hunger that surprised and excited me.

I hadn't realized how much I missed his touch until he'd given it back to me, my body once again melting into him and allowing him to do whatever it is that pleased him.

Apparently that was lifting my leg off the ground and making me sit on the table.

My body went along with it easily, and I was glad for it because my brain was nothing but mush, unable to process fully how he'd decided that I was worth kissing. All I really knew was that I wanted him. Anything he wanted from me, I was willing to give. And that must have come across very clearly, because when he pulled away and spoke to me, I whimpered at his words.

"Y/N... You've been such a good girl, helping me with whatever I needed these past few months..." Meanwhile his hand danced along the hem of my skirt, the tiny brushes of his skin against mine sending me into a mess of shivers.

"I think it's about time I've thanked you for all your help, don't you think?"

The implications in his tone made me whine again, and I pressed my forehead into his, our noses brushing as I answered. "Please."

I was so taken by the way he groaned as his lips connected with mine once more that I almost didn't realize that his hand was now fully up my skirt, his fingers drawing gentle lines over my panties and practically making me melt again. His hungry kisses contradicted the softness he took to my clothed cunt, a fact that warmed me to my core and made me want him more than ever.

When he slipped the fabric aside and ran the pad of his finger through me, I whined hard against his mouth, something that must have excited him— He nipped at my bottom lip and took a deep breath.

"How long have you wanted this, Princess?"

If not for the kissing and the finger slowly sliding up through my arousal, the nickname would have done me in. By now I was an utter wreck, but I somehow still managed to answer, even through a little stammering. "F—Forever."

It was the best I could come up with.

He breathed a laugh as his finger circled my clit. "That's a long time..."

"Uh huh," was all I could manage in response. My body and my brain were too focused on the things his finger was doing to my body, involuntarily rolling my hips forward for more. I needed more.

Thankfully he picked up on my urgency and reciprocated with slipping his middle finger inside me, one knuckle, then two...

I cried out as my head lurched forward, connecting our mouths once again. My hands clutched around his neck and my fingers tugged at his hair to keep myself from falling, because the slow, searing pace at which he fingered me made me wonder how I'd still been able to breathe.

He added another finger soon enough, picking up the pace and rendering me practically useless in his embrace. Meanwhile I registered the sound of his own little whines, still deeper than mine but little enough to tip me off that he was enjoying this just as much as I was, and that alone helped get me further along in pleasure.

I pulled my mouth from his reluctantly, squeezing my eyes shut as I allowed my forehead to rest against his. "D—Doctor, I'm c... I'm so close."

"His honorific falling breathlessly from my mouth seemed to do something sinister to him, because his fingers sped up and his breathing got heavier.

"Yeah? You gonna come for me, Princess?"

My stomach tightened and I nodded as best as I could, relishing in the sounds coming from below us, wet and downright filthy.

"Go ahead...Be a good girl and come for me... You deserve it..."

Each little sentence was punctuated with a slightly faster pace, each one bringing me closer and closer until I squeaked into his mouth and shook violently around his fingers, my vision going white. My legs had been open wide since he'd started teasing under my skirt, but now they threatened to clamp shut from the intensity. But I wanted nothing more than to be good for him, to make this as easy as possible, so I held out and kept them open as wide as I could stand as my orgasm rocked through me.

Spencer whispered praises into my skin as his hand slowed and his mouth trailed down to my neck. And even though it was more than nice feeling him lick and bite over my skin, I felt rather sad when he removed his fingers from me.

That sadness didn't last long though, not when he pulled back and studied me for a moment, eyes lust-blown and purely ravenous before he brought his glistening fingers up to my mouth.

I didn't even have to think. I brought my tongue out and let him slip his fingers over it, closing my mouth around them and sighing as I sucked them clean. This only seemed to excite him more, his features displaying all sorts of desperation until he couldn't take it anymore.

He kissed me again, bringing both his hands to rest at my waist. And with his hands so low I wondered if maybe he'd take to ridding himself of his own pants, but it never happened. Rather, he pulled away after minutes of more kissing, and sighed quite sadly as his upper body pressed firmly into mine.

Something else pressed firmly against me as well—right along the inside of my thigh—and I gasped, mind running wild through all the possible outcomes of the night.

But Spencer only stood there, occasionally nudging his nose against mine while his hands gently kneaded my sides.

"D—Do you want to stop?" I asked softly, afraid he'd regret what we did.

He proved me wrong. "God, no... It's... It's just that I'm still not cleared enough for any... strenuous activity on my leg, and I don't..."

I didn't want to push him, obviously, but I thought I could make the mood a little lighter. "O—Oh, well on the bright side... I could stay your assistant for a while longer."

The laugh that rumbled in his throat made me smile, though from the way he stood there, I knew he wouldn't risk it.

"Um... Raincheck?" he whispered.

On the one hand, that meant he definitely wanted to see me again, and I was more than happy with that. But also, that meant our fun for the night was done...

Yet... Maybe not...

"Sure," I answered, pecking his lips once more. Then I brought my hand to his chest and slid it down until I reached his belt, and I leaned back to look him in the eye, a boldness I never imagined coming from me in a million years.

"But I can still help you..."

I watched the desperation and disappointment in his features slowly dissolve into a newfound hunger—and an amusement—that grew my confidence tenfold.

"Oh?" Spencer mused. "How do you suppose you can help me this time?"

He wanted me to say it. So, without second guessing myself anymore, I grazed my finger over his erection. "I'm very good with my mouth, Dr. Reid."

He grabbed me by the hand then, dragging me along to the chair I'd kicked back before and sat himself down, one of his hands still gripping the cane. Matched with the desire in his eyes and the swollenness of his lips and the tousled strands of his hair, the sight was truly something to behold. It was something that only ever existed in my dreams, nd now it was real.

Not wanting to waste any time, I sunk to my knees and nestled myself in between his legs. He reached out and caressed my cheek before lifting my chin with his middle finger.

"You like being my good little helper?" he drawled.

I tried to nod, but he clicked his tongue and held my chin in place. "Words, Princess."

"Yes. I—I'd do anything you asked. Anything you want, it's yours..."

He hummed then, removing his hand from my face and moving to undo his belt swiftly with only one hand. The action, the sound, everything... it was enough to make me wet again, and I subtly ground down onto the heel of my foot as I watched him pull himself free from the confines of his pants.

I didn't have time to marvel at him before I was drawn forward like a magnet, my hands crawling up his legs and my eyes batting up at him, ready and eager to please him however he wanted.

"Eager, are we?" he mused once more, gently stroking himself with his hand.

"Yes, Doctor," I breathed, inching closer and kissing the outside of his hand.

His movement stopped then, and it didn't take longer than a second for him to decide to let me work on my own.

"Then have at it, Princess..."

I started by kissing my way up the length of him, taking my time to gauge his reactions as I did so, occasionally darting my tongue out to taste him. Once I reached the tip, I sucked on it gently, using my tongue to swirl around it until I could taste the saltiness of his precum.

And then I started taking him slowly into my mouth, watching above me as Spencer's eyes started to shut, obviously debating whether or not to lay back and enjoy this or watch me intently.

Either way, I was more than happy to keep it up, finally getting him to the back of my throat. I flexed my tongue and held him there as long as I could, promptly gagging over him and blinking tears from my eyes as he let out a loudest sound I'd heard from him yet. His head flew back and his tongue quivered along his bottom lip as he cursed my name.

The act made me proud, so I retreated for air, sucked at his tip again for a few seconds, and then repeated it, taking him down my throat again and watching through teary eyes as he visibly swallowed and squeezed his eyes shut.

"Fuck, Y/N, you're so... Such a good fucking girl..."

The praise caused my insides to burn hot, and I ground down onto my heel again, lifting my mouth to start bobbing up and down.

His eyes opened then, and he looked down at me, using his hand to brush stray hair from my face and the other to grip onto his cane for dear life. I looked up at him the whole time, making sure to convey through not only my actions but also my eyes that I loved this. I thrived off of his praise, I enjoyed the feel of his dick gliding over my tongue and hitting the back of my throat, and I longed to feel him coat the inside of my mouth with his release.

I was so entirely into him in every capacity, it wasn't even funny.

I was so glad he could tell, a smile grazing his features as his hand gently gripped some of my hair. "So eager to please, Princess... And so fucking good at delivering..."

I whined onto his dick as he held me down, rendering me immobile. The only thing I could do was look up at him and choke, and of course, I was more than happy to do it. In turn, I was met with a deep groan and a tug of the hair.

"Hold it, hold it... Atta girl..."

My cunt throbbed at his words, and my throat continued to burn, tears falling down my face at ten-speed until finally, he let up and pulled me off of him.

I coughed a little and blinked away tears as I caught my breath, Spencer's fingers combing hair from my face as he smiled proudly.

He didn't even need to say anything then. I wanted to give him more. So I leaned down again and took him in my mouth, quickly making work of his tip while my hand came up and stroked the rest of him.

"Fuck, Princess, just like that... Make me come just like that..."

Rather than just continuing, I offered him a high whine and a wide gaze, hoping to exceed expectations.

I guess it worked, because he came right then, his dick pulsing over my tongue and in my hand as his warm release shot down my throat and over my tongue. I hummed around him, fluttering my eyes closed at the taste and the feeling, probably enjoying the fact that I'd done this to him more than I should have.

It was worth it to see the look on his face, though, after he'd given me all he had and I purposely spit some of it out onto the tip of his dick so I could lick it up and give him just a little more stimulation after the fact. His mouth hung open, eyes heavy and unwilling to leave me, even as I finished and sat back to wipe the tears and saliva from my face with a satisfied smile.

Though, the longer he looked at me, the more shy I became. Funny when I'd just had his dick down my throat, but I'd never been good with people staring at me for long periods of time.

"Was that... Was that okay?" I asked, suddenly worried I hadn't done something to his standards. "I know I don't do this a lot, so I'm sorry if it wasn't that g—"

"Y/N..."

I blinked up at him, still on my knees and unwilling to move. Not that I wanted to, but I couldn't even if I had.

"That was fucking perfect... I meant it, you're... so good."

I knew he was capable of better words, but after having the life sucked out of you, I could imagine 'better words' were hard to come by. Still, I laughed a little, playing with the hem of my skirt. "Good. I'm... glad I could help."

He smiled at me, readjusting his pants and then moving to help me off the ground.

"Hey, uh... Even when you go back to your regular job after I get better, I... I hope you know you're always welcome to come visit me if we're not busy."

The words warmed me in a different way, my heart swelling as well. "You... You mean that?"

Spencer nodded, grabbing my hand and dragging his thumb over my wrist. "Of course. I mean, you're more than just a good helper, you know. You're also kind, and smart, and cute..."

I laughed at his emphasis on cute, heat warming my face. "Ha-ha..."

"I really mean it, though," he said softly, removing his hand from mind and bringing it up to lift my chin, so I'd meet his eyes. They were swimming with sincerity, the epitome of warmth and comfort and kindness— the kind that always drew me to him in the first place. "And... If you'd want to maybe ditch the paperwork one day and grab a coffee or something, maybe—"

"Yes," I interrupted without thinking. My heartbeat picked up upon seeing the look in his eyes when I agreed, a mixture of amusement and relief. "Y—Yes, I'd love to."

"Good. Then it's a date?"

"Definitely."

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[letarasstuff]

Doesn't she love me anymore?

(A/N): This was requested by an anon, I hope you like it as much as I do!

Summary: Spencer's daughter starts to question why her mother left the small family early on

Warnings: Mentions/undertones of bullying, an absent parent and descreptions of the concequences for the child, So. Much. Angsty. Feelings.

Wordcount: 2.5k

✨Masterlist✨ _________________________________

“Daddy?” Spencer turns around from the frying pan to look at his daughter. Against common belief, he is quite the cook. But this only started when he became a father, after he realized a child won’t be able to live off of a diet consisting of coffee and anxiety, just like he did at the time. “Yes, Sweetheart?”

She looks down to the piece of paper on the kitchen counter in front of her. “Why did Mommy leave us?”

The spatula falls to the ground. It’s a question the father did not expect on a Tuesday morning before school. “It’s because of me, isn’t it? She saw me the first time and didn’t want me anymore. It’s my fault Mommy left us, left you, just like Linda said.” Tears begin to stream down her face.

“No no no”, her father is quick to turn off the heat and walks around the island to hug his daughter. “None of this is your fault. I don’t know what this Linda said, but it is not true. Your mother had her own reasons to stay out of our lives, but it has nothing to do with you.”

This doesn’t calm her down. “What are her reasons? Why did she leave us? Why did leave me?” Frantically she tries to keep her sobs down in order to speak. Spencer never has seen her this upset.

“Sweetheart, are you sure you are in the right state to talk about it now? Why don’t we calm down and get something for breakfast on our way to school and talk about it after I pick you up this afternoon?” He suggests, hoping the thought of a cup of hot chocolate from their favorite bakery would help her.

(Y/N) looks up at him with bloodshot and glassy eyes. Snot runs down from her nose. Spencer is quick to get her a tissue and make her blow into it, cringing internally about all those germs. “Do you promise to tell me more after school?” Big eyes look up at him and the father hurts. It hurts him, because there are so many things in her future that will break her and all that because of her mother. He can’t shield her from all of it, as much as he wants to he isn’t able. Because there always will be people, people like this Linda, who will make the girl conscious of her absent mother.

“I promise”, he tells her and holds his little finger out for her. (Y/N) smiles while linking hers with his, knowing her father will keep this promise just like any other of his. “Good, and now pack up we got a bakery to visit!” Quickly the girl grabs the piece of paper in front of her only to shove it into her backpack.

A little later she sits at her desk and looks at her teacher expectantly, just like her fellow classmates. “Ok children, today we won’t work further on our addition and subtraction worksheets-” The teacher’s sentence is cut short by the eruption of cheerful shouts. Just (Y/N) looks at the multiplication sheet in front of her.

The teacher is quick to quiet the class again. “Instead we will continue our work on the mother’s card you started doing yesterday. Linda was so kind to tell me that you don’t have the chance to finish them at home, because your moms are there. That is why you do it here and your worksheets at home.”

With a frown on her face (Y/N) pulls out the blank piece of paper that made her feel bad ever since her teacher handed it out to her yesterday. While everybody around her chatters happily with other classmates, she just stares at the paper. It is a reminder of something she doesn’t have, something she lacks and will never get: A real mother. A hug from her mother. Not even the motherly reassurance one gets after a nightmare. Nothing.

“Hey orphan. Ya realizing your mom doesn’t love you and that’s why she left you?” Linda, someone (Y/N) later learns to call a Mean Girl, struts up to the younger one’s desk. A sigh leaves her lips before answering. “You do know for an orphan I need to have neither a mommy nor a daddy. And I do for a fact have a dad, a loving one actually.”

A more light than hard slap on the back of her head makes the girl’s body jolt. “I don’t care, but I know that your mom hates you enough just after looking at you to know she doesn’t want anything to do with you.” After that Linda goes back to her table, leaving (Y/N) feeling more miserable than before.

Some starring on the paper later her teacher passes her table. “Is there something you want to talk about, Sweetheart? You seem very sad.” That is an obvious fact. Finally the girl is able to lift her gaze. “Miss Ramirez, I don’t know what to do.” This is probably the first time ever she said this sentence in school.

“Mother’s day is in a few days, Sweetie, and this is why we all make these cards. It’s a thank you to your mom and a way to show her how much you love her. You love your mom, don’t you?” The shake of her head shocks the teacher. Immediately an alarming signal rings through her head, because this is a red flag. “Why? Did she do something?”

“Miss Ramirez, I don’t have a mommy. She- she left Daddy and me.” Tears fill (Y/N)’s eyes. Her teacher is quick to hug and sush her. “Oh Sweetie, this is not a bad thing. I’m sure your mom loves you very much, even if she is not there with you. Do you wanna go out for a bit to calm down?” Meanwhile she connects the obvious signs of a single dad in her mind. Missed parent teacher conferences, unnecessary hovering over the child and the tendency to be categorized as a helicopter parent. Yes, Dr. Reid ticks all of those boxes.

It’s the second time of the day that an adult asked (Y/N) to calm down, and frankly it doesn’t really help with the situation at hand. “Can I do my homework outside? It’s too loud in here”, she asks between sniffles. Both of them know that the class’ volume is not the real reason for the request. “Of course, Sweetheart. If you need something, just come in and ask me. Alright?” (Y/N) nods and gets her multiplication sheet and a pencil before leaving the classroom.

At the end of the school day, Spencer is there to pick up his daughter. For days like these, where are no cases, Hotch gave him a free pass on (Y/N)’s very first day at school to leave the office earlier to be able to pick her up himself. As a father and someone who works the same high demanding job as him, he knows that little things like these are often the most important. And even if there were a case today, Spencer would have stayed back. He promised his daughter the truth and this is what he is going to tell her.

“Hey Dr. Reid. Do you have a moment?” Her teacher greets him at the classroom door. Concerned about his child’s wellbeing he nods and follows her back out of the room. “I gave the children the assignment of creating a card for their mothers, because mother’s day is rolling around. Today (Y/N) told me her mother left you, is that right?” This is the moment Spencer connects the dots. This is the kick off that made her question her mother’s motives about leaving all of the sudden.

The young doctor clears his throat. “Uhm yes, that is right. Actually, I’m going to talk to her about it right after school on her demand.” Miss Ramirez nods with an understanding nod. “Thank you for your honesty, Dr. Reid. I also want to warn you, in two days we will hold a celebration in honor of mother’s day with the kids’ mothers. You are invited as a father, because this is a special situation. But I also give (Y/N) a free pass for this event. It can be very traumatic for her.”

The dad thanks her, but his thoughts are somewhere else. He is mad. He is mad for his daughter, because she will always be the one with a “special situation”. The odd one, because yeah, it isn’t uncommon for fathers to leave (which isn’t anything less sad and traumatic), but an absent mother hits differently.

But Spencer is also hurt. Hurt, because for her young age, there is already the word “traumatic” thrown around. No, it isn’t enough that her dad works a job with the risk of him not coming home from a case again, or being the target of an enemy. No, she also has to go through the experience of missing a parent, never knowing how her life would be if it wasn’t for someone like her mother.

Even with Spencer trying to fill that role, there will be a time where (Y/N) will ask herself all of the “what ifs”. He can’t stop it from happening, and that is his biggest pain right there. Because he can’t shield her from her own thoughts. At the age of six she already is a bright, brilliant and talented mind. Now in a few years or maybe just months, she will start to think about her mother being the root of her pain, bad experiences and hurt. Her thoughts will lead to a downward spiral of how a person can do something like her mother, who acted like that with the knowledge of which consequences will follow. And Spencer can’t stop this from happening.

“Daddy!” A small thud comes from (Y/N) colliding with his leg. Just by the way she squeezes it he knows that she hasn’t had a good day at school. “Hey Baby. Do you want to go to the office for a bit? I think your Auntie Penelope told me something about a new science set she got for you. Or do you want to go straight home?” Spencer asks after lifting her into his arms. Immediately she hides her face into the crook of his neck. “Home”, she murmurs. Home it is then.

“Aaaaaand here comes the little missy’s hot chocolate!” The father says in a funny voice while carefully putting the cup into his daughter’s hands. She sits covered in a blanket on the sofa, looking expectantly at her father.

Spencer sighs at the lack of reaction. “Are you sure you want to hear it?” (Y/N) nods adamantly. “Ok, but I got to go a bit back for this story

“It was about eight years ago, I worked on a case with your Aunties and Uncles back then. I was the one who had to get the last round of coffee for the night at a small 24/7 diner. As I walked in I thought I died, because I was sure an angel stood right in front of me. Well not-” “Is that Mommy?!” (Y/N) cuts him off excitedly. Spencer smiles slightly. “You need to listen to the story!” The girl shifts in her seat. “Right, sorry.”

As I was saying: well in front, because she sat at the bar waiting for her order. I nervously ordered the coffees and had to begin three times, because I kept messing up, mesmerized by her sole atmosphere. As the waiter went to put the coffee pot on, the woman turned towards me and introduced herself. After that she asked me what I was doing late at night in a small town like that and we somehow forgot everything around us by just talking. After that we stayed in touch. Six months later we became a couple, she moved to DC in order for me to still be able to do my job here.

“Two years later your Mom got pregnant with you, and it was quite a surprise to us. But we felt ready at that time and so she moved in with me and we had you. The first few months were great, we couldn’t be happier. BUt then you continuously became ill. At first just a cold, then the pocks and so on. I think it was the third night in a row where you held us up all night. I took a year off from work to care for you with your Mom. I carried you through our apartment the whole night, giving you a bottle, singing, reading, doing anything.

“Then I saw her standing in the doorway. Even though there was baby vomit on her sweatpants and I had never seen her eye bags being this dark, she was the most beautiful woman to me. I approached her with a smile, but her frown only deepened. I thought it was because she worried about you and your health. Instead she told me she can’t do it. She can’t be a mother, that she wasn’t cut for this job.” Her exact words still resonate in Spencer’s ears to this day. He knows exactly what she said, word for word, and they never stopped to sting any less.

“So Mommy left us because I was too much trouble?” (Y/N)’s voice sounds even sadder than before. “No, it never was because of you. She knew exactly what it meant to have a child. Your mother knew what kind of work it takes and what the future brought. You have absolutely nothing to do with it. Some people are just not made to be parents and it’s better when they realize it themselves and leave the situation.”

(Y/N) nods, her mind running wild. All of that makes plenty of sense but at the same time not. “Sweetheart, that doesn’t change the fact that I love you and I will never leave you. You are my everything and I’m so happy to be a dad to such a wonderful little girl like you. I want you to remember that your Mom may not be here with us, but she still loves you. And I’m here for you, for anything you need, want or don’t want. Do you understand me?”

She nods again and curls up into her father’s lap. “Can we watch something?” She asks after a bit of silence, where both of them indulged their own thoughts. Quickly the TV turned on and some kids movie plays. The rest of the day the small family spends all the time cuddled on the couch, because at the moment they need to feel the other there with them.

The next two days Spencer calls (Y/N) in sick at school and himself at work, because together they fly to Vegas. Just because her own mother wasn’t ready for the job, doesn’t mean they can’t appreciate the work her grandmother did as a mother. That and you never know how much time you have left with the people who are dear to you.

Taglist:

All works:

@dindjarinsspouse @big-galaxy-chaos @jswessie187 @kneelforloki

Criminal Minds:

@averyhotchner @mggsprettygirl @herecomesthewriterwitch @ash19871962 @ellyhotchner

Spencer Reid x child!reader:

@ilovetaquitosmmmm

[xoxoavenger]

Crazy

pairing: Luke Skywalker x reader

summary: Y/N goes a little crazy when Luke doesn't return from his patrol, and she definitely outs their secret relationship.

word count: 3624

warnings: cannon typical injury

masterlist

"Do you have to go?" Y/N asked, grabbing Luke's arm before he slipped out of the bed.

"If I don't go now, people will get suspicious and come looking for me." Luke kissed her neck, and she rolled onto her back.

"I'm sorry you're so popular, but that's not my fault." Y/N said, eyes still closed and still hanging onto him.

"Y/N," Luke whined, falling back into bed with her as she pulled at him.

"I think you're sick today." Y/N said, placing her arms around him and making him as close as he could be to her.

"There will still be people looking for me. I have to go." Luke kissed her head, untangling himself from her. "You should probably get up too, Y/N." Luke began putting on the extensive layers he had to have on in order to not freeze on this ice planet.

"I don't want to." She mumbled, and he rolled his eyes fondly at her.

"Come on." Luke pulled her up, and she finally opened her eyes. Luke had two layers out of the five he normally put on for missions, and Y/N pouted.

"Why did you put your clothes on?" She asked, and Luke let out a small laugh.

"Because it's cold. You need to put your clothes on too." Luke grabbed Y/N's long sleeved under shirt, and she lifted her arms up so he could put it over her. "Are you ready to go to work today?" Luke asked, getting dressed himself after helping Y/N.

"No." She muttered, wiping her eyes. "Can you do my hair?" Y/N asked, and Luke smiled at her.

"I can't do it as well as Leia does, Y/N. You know that." Luke said, but he still moved behind Y/N and began braiding her hair in two sections. "Here's your hat, love." Luke put the hat on Y/N, and she smiled at him.

"Be careful." She said, leaning on her tip toes to kiss him. He kissed back, lips warm against her cold body.

"I'm always careful." He smirked as they parted.

"Keep talking like that and you'll sound like Han." Y/N smirked, and Luke huffed out a breath. "I'm serious, Luke. I don't know what I'd do without you." She placed her hands on his chest, wishing he would be closer to her than the millions of layers between them to keep them warm.

"I know. You'd go crazier than you already are, Y/N." Luke smiled, hands rubbing his hands up and down her hips.

"Stop it!" Y/N whined, hitting his chest.

"I love you." Luke said, bringing her close.

"I thought you had to leave." Y/N rested her head on his chest.

"I do." He kissed her forehead.

"I love you too." Y/N kissed Luke one more time before the separated and made their way to their respective jobs.

~

"Han? Where's Luke?" Y/N asked as soon as Han walked into the control room. She knew Luke hadn't checked in yet, and he never forgets.

"He's checking out a meteorite that hit near him." Han answered.

"Alone?"

"With all the meteor activity in this system, it's going to be difficult to spot approaching ships." Y/N's question was disregarded, and she felt her heart race. Something wasn't right.

"General, I got to leave. I can't stay anymore." Han said, and Y/N looked over at Leia. She knew the princess had feelings for the captain, even if she would never admit it out loud.

"What?" Leia turned to see Y/N staring at her.

"Tell him how you feel, Leia! You don't really want him to leave, do you?" Y/N asked, and Liea turned to look at Han again, who was still talking to the General.

"When are you going to tell Luke how you feel, Y/N?" Leia whispered, and Y/N rolled her eyes. Luke and her were still new at the whole love thing, so no one knew about what happened behind closed doors.

"Well, Your Highness, guess this is it." Han said, and Y/N and Leia turned to see Han now behind them.

"That's right." Leia nodded.

"We hate to see you go, Han." Y/N said, and Han shoved her slightly.

"Don't tell me things you don't mean." He smirked, before looking at Leia. "Well, don't get all mushy on me, Princess. So long." And then Han was out the door. Leia and Y/N shared a look before Liea was after him, leaving Y/N to wonder where Luke was.

~

"Han!" Y/N yelled, making the man stand up and move from under his ship.

"What now?" He asked, and Y/N shook her head, trying to clear her thoughts.

"Where's Luke?" She asked, and Han's face immediately changed to concern.

"What do you mean?"

"He hasn't come back yet. Leia and I don't know where he is, and the temperature is starting to drop and-"

"Hold on, honey. I don't know where he is." Han informed her.

"Nobody knows where he is." C-3PO informed them, and Y/N and Han turned to see the gold machine standing beside them.

"Nobody?" Y/N muttered.

"What do you mean, nobody knows?" Han asked, and Y/N's heart picked up its pace as if she was sprinting. "Deck Officer!" Han was yelling before 3PO could speak.

"Excuse me, sir, might I-"

"Shut it, 3PO." Y/N mumbled, following Han.

"Do you know where Commander Skywalker is?" Han asked.

"I haven't seen him." Y/N shut her eyes as the man spoke, trying to think of the best case scenario as stomach churned.

"Is it possible he came in through the south entrance?" Y/N asked, eyes still closed.

"Yes."

"It's possible? Why don't you go find out? It's getting dark out there." Han commanded.

"Yes, sir." The man responded, and it was quiet until Y/N felt hands on her shoulders.

"Y/N?" Han's voice cut through her thoughts, and she opened her eyes. "Are you alright? You're breathing really heavily." Han said, and Y/N nodded, although her breath intake increased.

"Hey, calm down. You're going to make yourself pass out." Han put a gloved hand on her face, and Y/N didn't react. "You probably need some sleep, I'm guessing. Are you tired?" Han had no idea what he was doing, but Luke's best friend was freaking out and normally he dealt with this sort of stuff.

"We need to find Luke." Y/N muttered, suddenly grabbing a helmet and scarf. She was putting them on, glassy look in her eyes.

"You need to stay here, Y/N." Han said, hands still on her shoulders. "Are you okay? You're shaking." Han was staring at Y/N, concerned. She was blinking rapidly and shaking behind the eye shield.

"I'm just cold. Come on, we need to find Luke." Y/N said, putting the helmet on.

"No, I'm going to find Luke. You're going to stay here." Han barely gave her time to finish her sentence. She began to walk away and he grabbed her, pulling her back. "Y/N, seriously. You're not going."

"Let go of me, Han, or I swear to-

"Stop fighting! You're not going!" Han yelled, and Y/N struggled in his arms weakly.

"I have to go! I have to help him!" Y/N yelled, but Han held onto her tightly.

"You can help him by staying here and working in the command center." He then moved to hug her, and she started to cry in his arms.

"Save him, please." She cried to him, and Han felt his heart break. Although Luke and Y/N never said anything about their relationship, Han knew there was something going on.

"I will. I promise."

~

"Sir, all the patrols are in." Y/N and Leia turned to hear the conversation between the two men.

"Still no-" Y/N turned her head as the man cut himself off, the pair obviously not wanting to say more because Leia and herself were there. "Still no contact from Skywalker or Solo." The man said quieter, and Leia grabbed Y/N's arm.

"Mistress Leia, Mistress Y/N, R2 says he's been quite unable to pick up any signals, although he does admit that his own range is far too weak to abandon all hope." 3PO informed them, and Y/N took a deep breath, wishing her emotions away.

"Your highness, there's nothing more we can do tonight." One of the men said to Leia, and Y/N turned her back to them, trying to clear her mind. It was going to be very cold at night, and Y/N knew it would be hard to survive.

"The shield doors must be closed."

"What?" Y/N cried out, spinning to face them.

"Y/N, we can't do anything until morning." Leia said, pain in her voice.

"They're going to freeze out there!" Y/N cried, and she heard Chewy let out a growl.

"Close the doors." Leia said, and Y/N felt her world collapse in on her, head spinning.

"He's going to die." Y/N mumbled, tears spilling out of her eyes. She looked to Leia, who had a sad frown on her face.

"We don't know that. Han and Luke are strong, Y/N, they can do this." Leia tried to comfort her, but Y/N just shook her head as more tears went tumbling down her cheeks. Just as she was about to fall, to let her body go numb, Chewy grabbed onto her, turning her to him and wrapping his long arms around her as she cried into his fur.

"R2 says the chances of survival are 725 to one." 3PO said, and then the loud clash of the door closing sounded, causing Y/N to cry out. 3PO kept talking, but Y/N drowned him out, sobbing into Chewbacca.

"I'm sure Luke and Han will be back in the morning." Leia's hand was at her back, and Y/N turned her face to see the princess, still holding tight to Chewy.

~

She slept the worst she has ever slept in her entire life, tossing and turning, her eyes not wanting to stay closed. Still, when she woke up, she was expecting to be in Luke's arms. Instead, she woke up next to a furball, and the pain of yesterday's events came crashing down. Y/N picked herself up, wiping a hand over her face. Her head was spinning, and her chest was hurting from her heart beating out of her chest for so long. She came out of the Millennium Falcon, which she barely remembers falling stumbling in and falling asleep, to see Leia pacing in the hanger.

"Did you even sleep?" Y/N asked, pulling her sleeves down.

"Did you?" Leia looked to Y/N, seeing the bags under her eyes, and then back to the open door. "They sent the rescue team out a little while ago. I'm waiting for word that they found them." Leia said over the irrelevant chatter of the rescue team.

"Hopefully they find something more than just frozen bodies." Y/N said, and Leia frowned at her.

"Have hope, Y/N. I'm sure they'll be okay." Leia put a hand on her shoulder, and Y/N smiled at her.

"Echo Base, this is Rouge Two. I've found them. Repeat, I've found them." Came through the comm, and Y/N and Leia both let out a sigh of relief, hugging each other. Y/N almost felt herself fall as her knees buckled, but Leia righted her.

Y/N and Leia awaited the plane that would be carrying Han and Luke, and Y/N rushed over to it as soon as they landed. Luke was being pushed on a medic carrier, and Y/N followed with it. He was pale, a black eye and cuts adorning his face. Y/N pushed the hair out of his face, feeling his cold skin.

"We need to get him into a bacta tank." Someone said, and Y/N looked up.

"Will he be okay?" Y/N asked, and someone in front of her stopped, making her stop. Luke kept going, and Y/N tried to get around the medic.

"He'll be fine, Ma'am. He will need to spend at least ten hours in the bacta tank, which is a hard sight to see. Are you sure you want to stay with him?" The man asked, and Y/N furrowed her brows in anger.

"Get out of my way." She said, pushing past him and running to keep up with Luke. She watched as he was hooked up to a breathing tube, and then stripped down. The droids slipped a machine over his arms before lifting him into the tank. Y/N made her way forwards toward the tank, placing her hands on the glass as she looked at Luke. He was completely unconscious, and every so often a droid attached to the tank would shock him, causing his back to arch and his body to tense.

Y/N stayed at the tank for twelve hours, sitting next to and leaning on it while watching Luke. She needed to make sure he was okay.

"You should get some sleep. He'll be pulled out soon." Han said, putting a hand on Y/N's shoulder. Han and Leia had been in and out with C-3PO and R2-D2, but Y/N had stayed the entire time, only eating a small portion of the food they had brought.

"I'm okay." Y/N said, smiling up at Han and wiping a hand across her face. He grimaced, and Y/N looked up at Luke, wishing he could just be close to her. Watching him float in the tank lifelessly was unsettling, and all she wanted to do was cuddle with him for an entire solstice.

"You need to sleep at some point. Chewy told me you barley slept on the Falcon last night, and it's getting late." Han told her, and Y/N looked back to him

"Exactly. I slept last night so I'm fine." Y/N told him.

"You need to eat and sleep, and then Luke will be out." Han pushed, and Y/N stood up.

"Why do you care? You were going to leave anyway." Y/N crossed her arms, and Han looked almost hurt.

"I was just trying to help you. Don't want you looking like more of a mess than normal when he comes out." Han said, and Y/N punched his shoulder.

"That's for leaving me here." Y/N seethed, and Han rolled his eyes.

"You would have died out there in your state. I was doing you a favor." He explained, and Y/N pushed Han. It wasn't hard, since she was so weak, but it still angered Han.

"Doing me a favor? I was trying to save him and you stopped me."

"You were going crazy, Y/N! You can't blame me for not taking you." He said, and Y/N frowned.

"I also promised Luke I wouldn't put you in danger if he were to go missing." Han said softly, and Y/N looked to her unconscious lover.

"Why?" She whispered, placing a hand on the tank.

"He loved you, ya know."

"Yeah, I do." Y/N let a tear slip out of her eye, and Han wiped it away.

"He'll be okay." He said, bringing Y/N into a side hug.

"I know, but I just want him to be okay now." She mumbled, placing her other hand on the tank, leaning against it.

"Will you rest now?" Han asked, hoping he'd get to her after that talk.

"I'm okay here." Y/N said, and Han sighed, but left to sleep anyway.

~

"Mistress Y/N?" Y/N woke up to 3PO's voice, and she looked around to realize she was still in the room they were keeping Luke in. She sat up, looking up to see Luke still floating in the tank. "They're taking Master Luke out now." 3PO informed her, and she stood to see Han and Leia also in the room. The droid detached from the tank, and Y/N stood with the others to watch Luke be lifted out of the tank. They set him on a bed, then toweled him down. They put new clothes on him and then whisked him away, Y/N in tow. Leia and Han met her on the way, and the three of them followed the bed until a droid stopped them.

"No humans allowed until Commander Skywalker is awake." The droid said, and Y/N scowled.

"I'm his girlfriend." Y/N explained.

"Doesn't matter. Commander Skywalker needs his rest." The droid responded.

"Well how long is that gonna take?" Han stepped up, defending Y/N.

"A least a few hours."

"What? No, I want to see him now." Y/N said, trying to get past the droid. It didn't budge.

"I'm afraid you can't. Please go to your room, and we will have you notified when he wakes."

"No! I'm going to be with him in there." Y/N tried to push the droid away, but he did nothing.

"Move, you big bag of bolts!" She cried, but the droid did not let her through.

"Y/N, it'll probably be good for you to get some sleep." Leia put a hand on her shoulder, but Y/N shrugged it off.

"I don't want sleep, I want to see him!" She yelled, but the droid still stood in her way. "I swear to the Imperial Army I will rip you apart piece by piece if you don't let me through." Y/N threatened, however the droid seemed uninterested.

"We'll get clearance from the General. This isn't the hill you want to die on." Leia said, and Y/N turned to her. She looked at Leia, and then at Han, and suddenly she deflated.

"I just want to be with him. Make sure he's okay." She said, crying for what seemed like the millionth time. Leia wrapped her up in a hug, and she let out a breath against her.

"He'll be okay. He's in good hands. You should get some rest." Leia pulled away and winked, and Y/N just nodded. It appeared that Leia had a plan, and knowing her it was probably a good one.

"We're terribly sorry about that." 3PO said as they walked away, and once they turned the corner, Leia began to talk.

"We're sneaking you in here tonight." She mumbled, and the group continued walking.

"How?" Y/N asked, looking at Leia, but she was looking straight ahead,

"It's cold enough at night that there aren't many alive rebels that work in the medical wing, and droids are charging." Leia explained, still looking ahead as they began walking.

"I'll come get you from your room in two hours." Leia finished as they came up to Y/N's room. She honestly almost forgot she had her own room, spending so much time in Luke's.

"Thank you." Y/N smiled at them both, hugged Leia and then went to her room.

~

She couldn't sleep. She knew Luke was perfectly fine, but not being able to see and feel him made her on edge. She almost fainted at the knock on her door. Y/N opened it way to eagerly, smiling at Leia.

It was cold in the hallways, since it was night now. Y/N shivered as she walked through the empty space, making her way slowly to where Luke was.

"Do you know which room he's in?" Y/N asked, coming up upon the many doors leading to rooms.

"While you were throwing your tantrum, I was watching to see which room they put him in." Leia smirked, opening the door to her right. Y/N smiled, hugged Leia, and then quickly went into the room.

"Oh, Luke." Y/N mumbled, seeing Luke laying on the bed asleep. His hair covered his closed eyes partially, and his skin was still pale, making his injuries seem worse. She pushed herself onto his bed, laying down next to him. "You dumbass." Y/N whispered, clinging to him. His body was warm, and Y/N kissed his cheek, hand going to rest on his chest and leg wrapped around him.

Finally, finally, she fell into a peaceful sleep.

~

"You're not supposed to be here." Y/N woke to the stupid droids voice, and she sat up.

"I'm sorry." Y/N mumbled, moving from Luke. She looked at him, and he was still sleeping. She felt like she hadn't gotten any sleep, and she realized she hadn't been asleep for long.

"I'm going to ask you to leave, Ma'am." The droid said, and Y/N let a little breath out.

"It's fine, Med. You can go to your next patient." A human said at the door, and Y/N smiled slightly.

"Thank you." She said to the man at the door, who nodded and turned the light off.

~

Lips on hers. That's what she finally woke up to.

Chapped, bruised, swollen lips, but they most definitely belonged to the one and only Luke Skywalker.

Y/N opened her eyes, pushing Luke away lightly. She was still in his bed in the medic wing, and when she sat up, she noticed Han, Leia, Chewy, 3PO and R2 were also in the room. Y/N blushed, and Luke brought her closer.

"What happened?" Y/N asked, and Luke shook his head, cuddling closer to her.

"I got taken by a snow monster, and it was really cold." Luke mumbled, and Y/N rolled her eyes, holding him close as well.

"Well, it seems you two get along very well. When did this happen?" Han asked, and Y/N sunk farther into the bed.

"A lot of things happen behind your back, Han." Luke said smugly, and Y/N smiled.

"It's cute that you think this was behind my back."

"I'm glad you're okay." Y/N said, looking up at Luke and pretending Han hadn't just spoke.

"I am too. I heard you went crazy and threw a tantrum without me." Luke smirked, and Y/N hit his chest, beginning to move away. "It's kinda cute." Luke said, pulling Y/N closer to him.

"You're about to die again, Commander Skywalker." Y/N threatened, and Luke rolled his eyes and brought her close up to him.

"I'm so glad you're not already crazy."

[erensproudsimp]

Experiment

Hange Zoe x fem! reader Oneshot

⚠ Sexual Content Ahead ⚠

Summary : Hange and you have been dating each other for quite some time. One day due to rain, you went over to Hange's and hehe hot stuff happens.

I've used they/them pronouns for Hange due to them being non-binary, hope y'all don't mind. :)

"HANGEEEE!" screaming down the hallway near the university laboratory, you entered said place joltily.

By this time all the science students were used you to coming by everyday while causing a ruckus to meet your significant other. You couldn't help yourself being always excited to see the only person who could make your day a million times better and today as usual you had something interesting to show them. Well, by interesting you meant something random you saw that day and just picked it up to give it to Hange. Never were they ever weird out by this as they were as eccentric as you.

"Look what I found today!" proudly bringing your hand close to their face to show them the red rock you saw in your yard.

"Heh, as usual my dear y/n, you never fail to fascinate me," they chuckled eyeing the objet closely.

"I shall add this wonderful rock to my series of collection of stuff you keep bringing to me everyday!" smilingly Hange took it.

This brought a faint blush on your cheeks as just the thought of Hange keeping the random stuff you bringing daily made you feel somewhat special.

" Sooo, what are you working on today?" you questioned them while looking at the equipment on the table.

"Ohohoho you don't know what I've just made!" they excitedly said dexterously arranging the mess to show you.

While they were enthusiastically explaining to you her recent invention, you couldn't help but stare at their jolliness. The way they made absolutely anything sound captivating just spellbound you. To describe it, it was like a meteor shower falling enlightening the night sky which you could gaze for hours, yeah, that's how Hange was.

"Hihi, that's awesome! I'm so proud of you!" you praised her happily.

"Hehe, I'm glad you appreciated my invention, after all I am your better half," haughtily they said which made you subconsciously smile.

Right at that moment a loud thunder was heard making you jump. Since morning it's been cloudy and you really hoped that it wouldn't rain in the evening as it would pose a problem for you to travel home by bus. The droplets were hitting hard against the window panes indicating it was a heavy shower. Disappointment filled your being.

"Noo, now how would I reach the bus stop on time with this weather," you complained utterly dejected and tensed.

"You know y/n, you can always ask me for a ride in my car right?" Hange said while pouring a clear liquid in a testing tube.

"I know but I don't wanna bother you."

"Oh come-on y/n, how can you ever bother me?" they reassured, "and if you really don't want to sound like a trouble then come over to my appartment. It's win-win situation, you reach home and I would get more time to spend with you."

"W-what, Hange please, ugh okay then I'll come with you," sighing you responded.

Waiting for Hange to finish up whatever they were doing but it wasn't as though you as a finance student would understand it to be able to help her out. Instead you were scrolling on Tiktok when they came up to you without warning making you jerk, "GOSH HANGE! YOU COULD HAVE CALLED FOR ME."

Chuckling, Hange grabbed your hand to make you stand up. Losing your footing, you fell in their arms which they gladly grabbed you. Giving you a brief forehead kiss, they proceeded to drag you to the parking lot. At first you didn't process the action making you scream but when you got the hang of it, you ran alongside with them hand in hand laughing.

Hange unlocked the car and you got into the front passenger seat. Both of you were laughing while still catching your breaths.

"Now off to my house we gooo!" Hange yelled as you were wearing your seatbelt.

Throughout the whole ride both of you conversed about each of your days and the daily news.

"Can you believe that Sasha and Nicollo are finally going out with each other? I always knew that they were a match made in heaven," you rambled as Hange listened to you intently while also focusing on the road.

"I mean I could see it happening seeing their compatibility and the way they complete each other, just like you complete me," Hange added.

Her last words made your face heat up which you hid by looking outside. Luckily for you, you finally reached your destination. It wasn't the first you came over to her appartement so you took her keys and ran inside. Normally her place would be messy like a dumpster because that human barely had time in her hands to take care of their house but for once it was spotless clean.

"Did Levi come over?" you asked them, hand on your hip.

"I-yeah. Yesterday he did. But I swear I'll try to be more responsible from now on!" Hange affirmed.

You took a deep breath and asked, "so what are we eating tonight?"

"I don't know y/n, you choose," they replied kicking their boots off to enter the residence.

"How about we order Pizza?"

"Sure thing love," grabbing her phone to order said food, Hange said.

"How about you go take a bath while I take out plates?" you suggested.

"I mean only if you're willing to join me," they smirked while leaning on the door.

Out of embarrassment you threw a pillow laying on the couch at her, "NO!"

"Sad, I was really hoping for some fun in there," they replied before running into the bathroom as you were about to hit them with another pillow.

While you waited for her to come out so that you in your turn could go freshen up, you arranged everything to be able to eat. Having such nights with Hange is always something you've dreamt of doing but you never had the courage to ask.

A few moments later, Hange came out with hair dripping wet which they were trying to dry with a towel. Damn they looked hot in that condition. Before you could start simp over them, you excused yourself to go bathe.

Feeling the warm water touch your skin evaporated all your stress from you as you relaxed. Coming out of the bathroom wearing Hange's clothes, you went to sit next to them on the couch. You noticed that the pizza had already arrived so you took a piece of it to eat. You two watched this popular series called 'Attack on titan' together until the pizza was finished.

Throwing the pizza cardboard in the bin, you went to see Hange already laying on the bed. Scooting to them, you placed your head on their shoulder as they held you tight with one arm and the other holding their phone. You were watching memes with her laughing when suddenly there was a video of two girls kissing came up which made your heart beat faster. You could tell Hange felt so as well as she swiped quickly to prevent awkwardness.

A little bit of tension remained in both of you yet no one made the first move. It kept growing as you felt their hot breath on your face because you were leaning on them.

Feeling bothered and assuming that Hange wasn't going to initiate it, you snatched their phone from their hand and kept it on the table next to the bed for you to straddle on them.

Shifting yourself to be more comfortable, you leaned down to smack your lips against theirs. Still processing whatever just happened, Hange went with the flow. For this moment at least. Hands on your ass, they squeezed them as you laid your body on theirs.

Lips still crashed against each others and tongues still fighting over control, Hange's minds began to fill with sexual fantasies that they could enact on you in this precise moment.

Pulling back from you, they settled your body on the bed to go search for something in the wardrobe. They came back with a blindfold facing you.

"Do you mind if I take your vision away for a while? I don't want to ruin the surprise of what I'm going to do to you."

Gulping hardly you took the black cloth and blinded yourself.

"Good girl," Hange praised giving you a headpat to continue their rummage.

With no warnings, you were pushed on the bed lightly. At first you didn't understand what was going on but that was before you felt a rope on your wrists which was being wrapped around them individually then pulled upwards signaling it was being tied down to the bed. The same thing was done for both of your legs.

Anticipation mounted in you as you felt hands running from your chest to your stomach.

"I hope that the ropes are not too tight, are they?" they concernedly asked.

You shaked your head to say no still having the blindfold on.

"No? Well, then I think you would love this being in your mouth," they said coming closer to you. You were expecting her to stuff her fingers in but it ended up being something you certainly didn't anticipate at all.

Holding your head up, they made you wear it. Initially it was uncomfortable but you managed to deal with it as it only turned you on more. It was a gag ball.

You laid your head on a pillow desperately craving Hange's touch but of course they were still searching for something.

"Don't worry y/n, I'll come to you as soon as I find that one thing I bought last week I wanted to test out," Hange spoke from the other side of the room.

Trying to keep your growing lust in control, you fidgeted with the device in your mouth.

" Ah-ha! found it, now wait for me y/n, I'll fuck you into oblivion soon," their voice coming out breathless.

Feelings the sides of the bed sink and a presence hoving above you, you became more excited to what Hange was going to do this time.

Their soft lips colliding again against yours as their hands ran down to unbutton your shirt leaving your bare chest naked as you weren't wearing any undergarments. For a few seconds Hange didn't do anything. As you were ripped from your eyesight, you couldn't see that Hange was in fact staring at the prefect roundness of your boobs displayed to them .

Unable to contain themselves, they ran their tongue on one of your breasts while the other was being fondled with their hands. Your breathing was quickening at their doings. Out of nowhere they bit your nipple softly making you bit the gagball stifling a moan.

Going lower on you they pulled down your pants while they kissed you on your bellybutton. Without warning again you felt a pain on your hip and teeth leaving your skin. Biting you again on the other side of your hip, Hange caressed your inner thighs. This time you couldn't contain the moan as it escaped your mouth through the gag ball.

Looking at your entrance, Hange saw that though they didn't yet completely lay hands on you, you were soaking wet. Then they assumed that it was probably from the long amount of time you had to wait for them.

You heard the opening of the cap of a tube. Your mind raced through all the possibilities of what it could be.

But of course it was the least thing you could expect as you felt something touching your cunt.

It was a lukewarm rubbery thing that was being ran through your swollen folds.

"Wanna guess what it is? Y/n," Hange said as you felt the object or whatever it was penetrate you. An 'hmm' came out of you as your back arched graciously making Hange widen their eyes.

"Ahaha, y/n you beautiful creature! You never cease to amaze me the more I explore you,"Hange complimented pushing the thing deeper into you.

" Lemme reward you for blessing me with his gorgeous sight and return you back your vision, "they continued.

Your insides felt empty as Hange had to remove the item to open the blindfold. You must say you had quite of the shocker to see them. Straddling you was a Hange that you didn't recognize.

They were wearing a black lingerie delicately complimented with black thigh highs and on their pelvis area was a strap-on-dildo.

"I wanted to experiment this on you," they gave you a light smirk before positioning themselves in front of your pussy. Taking the small bottle thrown on the bed nearby, Hange opened it. It was lube. Dropping quite some on the dildo, Hange jerked it to spread the lubricant.

Placing their hand on your hips for support, Hange inserted it again.

They couldn't describe how much they ravished to look at you in this state. As they were thrusting their hips in and out, the room became filled with your moans and Hange's name.

"Yes y/n scream my name louder. Make the neighbours hear how good I'm making you feel," Hange panted.

'Hmmm Hange I'm getting close, go faster please, "you begged them.

Taking your wishes into consideration, Hange did not double up the speed but rather trippled it. You were practically shaking on the bed as your screams got louder and louder.

Not late enough, you released yourself on them. The pleasure was so unbearable it almost hurted. Panting on the bed, you looked at the ceiling to regain control of yourself. Then looking back at Hange, only to see that they were already staring at you lovingly.

"Can you untie me now? I need to pee," you coughed.

"Ahaha, no piss on the bed," Hange declared as you were startled by their statement.

"Just kidding lemme help you refresh yourself," Hange joked making you feel relieved.

End.

Thank you for reading this. :)

[theright-sideofme]

Feeling. J. Wooyoung

Wooyoung x fem!reader College au!, Soulmate au! WC: 4.9k Summary: You were one of the few who actually had a soulmate, shame you though the whole idea of love was artificial. Warnings: mentions of panic attack, language,

*12 years ago*

“Y/n got her soulmate mark!” Yeosang, your best friend shouted to the rest of the class a few seconds after the heart shaped scar bloomed on your skin; a moment you would never forget. The whole class ran over to you, shoving one another to see the mark that had just appeared on your skin. You were the first kid in your class to get a soulmate mark, so to say everyone was excited was an understatement.

“A heart? What’s a heart mean?” asked Mingi, another boy in your class. “Love” Yeosang said in a ‘duh’ tone that made you giggle. “Actually, it means Y/n will be able to feel what her soulmate feels, and they’ll be able to feel what she feels.” Your teacher explained, earning a chorus of ‘oh’s’ from you and your classmates. After everyone got a look at your mark your teacher was quick to get everyone back in their seats to resume class. You looked down at your wrist, a smile coming to your face as your heart swelled, “I have a soulmate” you whispered happily to yourself.

*Present*

You let out a sigh as you quickly cover up your soulmate mark with multiple bracelets, not wanting to look at it any longer. The day you found out you were one of the few who had a soulmate, you couldn’t have been more happy, but as you grew up, you realized your soulmate mark came with the watching eyes of everyone who saw it.

Soulmates were a bit of a rare occurrence, so when people saw anyone with a soulmate mark it grabbed their attention. Whether people were jealous or just curious about the phenomenon, everyone you had ever met only care about the stupid mark on your wrist. The only people who didn’t care were your best friends, Yeosang and Mingi. They both had marks of their own, but unlike you, they didn’t mind the prying eyes, the only thing they cared about was finding their soulmate.

“You can’t hide it forever you know,” Yeosang teased as he walked into you room, not even bothering to knock. “I can try” you huffed back in response. “What happens when you meet your soulmate, are you still gonna hide it” “probably” “dude seriously?”

Normally, when people find their soulmate, they proudly put themselves on display: showing off their mark, being overly affectionate in public, and over all just sucking up any attention they could get. It was disgusting.

“Yeah, seriously,” you stated. “I wouldn’t like that if I was your soulmate, I’d wanna show off our bond.” Yeosang stated, making you roll your eyes. Before you could respond with some witty comeback, a sudden wave of sadness hit you like a truck. Tears welled up in your eyes for god knows what reason and you felt like you had a lump the size of a baseball in your throat, it was awful. “What- whoah, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to make you upset- no no no don’t cry” Yeosang said frantically as he tried to calm you down. You tried to explain that it wasn’t him, but the only thing that left your mouth was a sob.

“Heyy- What the hell did you do” Mingi said as he walked into your apartment, quickly rushing to your side and pulling you into his arms. “I didn’t do anything-” “of course you did something, it’s you” “Hey-” “shut up, please” you managed to say through sobs.

As much as you hated your soulmate bond, you hated that your soulmate was feeling like this even more. It made you wonder what happened and if they were okay, if someone was with them to help them.

After about five minutes of you sobbing, you finally calmed down enough to explain what happened. “Ah your soulmate bond! I thought you really were upset with me” “good” you sniffled, “maybe this will teach you to stay out of my business” “hmm” Yeosang pretended to be deep in thought before tackling you, “nah I’m good.” “Group hug!” Mingi shouted before pulling both you and Yeosang into his arms.

For the rest of the day you had this lingering sadness and the lump in your throat never went away. You never really gave much thought to your soulmate before, but today you just couldn’t stop your mind from wandering. There was this urge to find them and hold them and reassure them that everything would be okay. You tried pushing those thoughts away, you didn’t even want a soulmate, so why were you so concerned? You tried to convince yourself it was just because you were a nice person, but there was a deeper reason and you could feel it, no matter how hard you tried to deny it.

You now sat at one of your favorite cafes with Mingi and Yeosang. You had went there to study, but no one was studying. Mingi was trying to balance a spoon on his nose, Yeosang was making sure Mingi would fail at that task, and you were recording all of it. Soft giggles left your mouth as Yeosang pushed Mingi for the third time, making the spoon fall to the ground. “Dude, come on-” Mingi pouted, shoving Yeosang back. “-I almost had it!” “Yeah I know, that’s the point” Mingi picked up the spoon from the ground and threw it a Yeosang, hitting him right in the forehead. You let out a loud laugh, all but snorting at the look on Yeosang’s face. The two bickered like two little kids for a while, giving you a front row seat to another one of their entertaining arguments. You were so distracted by your two best friends that you didn’t even realize the lump in your throat was gone.

--

Wooyoung lied in bed, a small smile on his face as he felt the urge to laugh. His soulmate was happy. He had been hurting all day, and he could only imagine what that did to his soulmate, so feeling them feel so care free- it made him happy. All Wooyoung ever wanted for his soulmate was for them to be happy, and he couldn’t stand when he would feel you hurt. He found it funny how quickly you would get annoyed or frustrated, he honestly just couldn’t wait to meet you.

After a while of just enjoying feeling okay, he looked over and saw it was actually getting pretty late and he had an 8am class tomorrow. He had already skipped class today, he couldn’t skip tomorrow too. So he quickly got ready for bed, slowly falling asleep with a warm feeling in his chest and a smile on his face.

“Feeling better” San asked as he plopped his stuff down next to Wooyoung. They had both shown up to class early, which was weird for the two who were normally the last ones into their classes. “Yeah, I’ll be good man” “that’s good, because we’re parting tonight.” San excitedly as he took his seat next to Wooyoung. Wooyoung had been down for the past few days and yesterday was the tipping point, San just wanted him to go out and let loose.

Wooyoung let a chuckle slip past his lips as he shook his head. “I don’t feel like going to another frat party-” “well it’s not a frat party because we’re throwing the party- just come on man” San whined as he all but begged his friend. “I’ll think about it.” Wooyoung sighed. He pulled out his laptop and textbook, getting ready for class when he heard the door get busted open. Everyone turned to the door to see two guys scrambling to stand up, and a girl, trying to get away from the two as quick as possible.

“You started it- hey, don’t run away from us!” The taller of the two shouted at the girl as she rushed to get a seat. She pretended like she didn’t hear them and sat two rows in front of San and Wooyoung. The two boys were quick to sit next to her, the shorter boy wrapping his arm around the girl as the taller one sat on her lap. “You two are so embarrassing- get off.” The girl whined as she tried to pry herself away from the two.

Wooyoung watched in amusement, they were definitely going to make this new semester interesting. He seem couldn’t pull his attention away from the trio, more specifically, the girl. She was beautiful, her smile was enchanting and her laughter made his heart swell, she was the type of girl people wrote songs about.

San noticed his friends staring and smiled. Wooyoung had always been faithful to a soulmate he had never met. He never had other relationships and he never gave into crushes he deemed “small” and “silly” all because he had a soulmate. Now here he was, ogling over a girl he didn’t know.

“Why don’t you go talk to her” San suggested, making Wooyoung snap out of his gaze. “Huh, why?” “because you think she’s cute” “I have a soulmate” “and you're not gonna know how to treat them if you’ve never been in a relationship” “then I learn with them” “what makes you think your soulmate's never dated anyone before?” Wooyoung had never considered that, but why would his soulmate date someone else if they knew they would end up with him- their soulmate. Wooyoung shook his head, trying to get rid of the jealous feeling that rose in his chest. He had no right to be jealous; he tried to reason to himself, but he couldn’t help it.

San saw him overthinking and sighed, “look, you’re just gonna have a nice friendly conversation with her, you’ll be fine.” Wooyoung thought for a moment, and San was right, he was just going to talk to her, nothing else. “Fine.”

--

After class you, Mingi, and Yeosang gathered your things and got ready to leave. “Be honest, the professor was totally checking me out, right?” You froze, giving Mingi an incredulous look before remembering, “It’s Mingi.” So with a small giggle you nodded, deciding to entertain his delusions. “Yeah Min, She was totally checking you” “I sense sarcasm; I will ignore.” Both you and Yeosang laughed as you continued to pack up, shaking your head at you crazy friend.

“Uh hey” the three of you snapped your heads up and saw two rather attractive guys standing in front of you. One had pink hair and cat like eyes that would probably be scary if he wasn't smiling. The other guy- he was breathtaking. He had jet black hair and the most enchanting eyes- whoa. “Um, hi” you replied, silently wondering if your heart speeding up was you or your soulmate.

“We’re throwing a party tonight and you guys seem… fun, so we were wondering if you wanted to come?” The one with black hair asked as he shot you a smile. Okay so the heart thing was definitely you, got it. You took a deep breath and looked back at your friends, who were already looking at you with puppy dog eyes. They knew you didn’t like parties, but they loved parties, and loved to make new friends. Mingi even grabbed onto your hand like a toddler and pouted out his lip. Letting out a sigh, you turned back to the two boys and nodded, “we’ll be there-” “yes!” The two boys behind you cheered, making you try to hold in a laugh, “um, I can give you my number and you could text me the address?” “yeah, sounds good.” The two of you quickly exchanged numbers and then the five of your exited the class before parting ways.

“They were cute” Mingi sighs as he looks dreamily into the distance. “Yeah, and one of them was totally checking out Y/n” “Ha, I beg your pardon?” Yeosang smirks as he pulls you in closer. “Come on Y/n, don’t tell me you're blind? The dude you gave your number to was totally checking you out” “well it doesn’t matter” you say simply, trying to ignore the feeling of heat rising to your cheeks. Was he really checking you out?

“You know, for someone who rejects the idea of her soulmate so much, you’ve been awfully loyal to them.” Yeosang points out, “huh?” “You’ve never been in a relationship, you never entertained anyone who had romantic feelings for you, hell you even stepped on Nicks foot when he asked you out” “yeah but Nick was a dick” Mingi interjected.

Okay, so maybe it was true you’ve never tried to pursue a romantic relationship with anyone, but you didn’t think that had anything to do with your soulmate. You had rejected the idea of love a long time ago. Nowadays, a relationship was another accessory everyone wanted to show off, and you didn’t want to feel like a human handbag. People who found their soulmates often just assumed they would work out just because they were soulmates, they didn’t try to make the whole process of falling in love special, they just flaunted their soulmate marks and relationships. You didn’t want to end up like that, ever.

--

The party had been going on for about an hour in Wooyoung, San, Jongho, and Yunho’s shared apartment and was now filled with people, most of which Wooyoung didn’t even know. Sure, Wooyoung was a social butterfly and had probably talked to almost everyone there, but that didn’t mean he knew them or even their names. Wooyoung lets out a sigh, leaning up against the wall as he sips his drink quietly. The only person Wooyoung actually wanted to see right now was you, but you were nowhere to be found.

“Hey, this is your party, right?” Some girl asks as she comes up to Wooyoung. “My roommates party, but yeah sure” “well it’s really great” she said cheerily as she looks up at him with a bright smile. Wooyoung nods, truly uninterested in what the girl had to say. “Mhm, it’s super” the girl giggles, leaning closer to Wooyoung who doesn’t even spare her a glance. “You seem to be the only one not having fun.” She says with a pout, and Wooyoung is about ready to just start ignoring her, but then he sees you walk in the room with your friends. He felt relief and excitement wash over him when his eyes landed on you “Excuse me.” Was all Wooyoung said to the girl as he quickly made his way over to you.

“You made it” Wooyoung cheers as he approaches the three of you. You smile and nod, looking around the crowded apartment for a brief moment, how do so many people fit in this small ass place, you wonder. Yeosang places a hand on your shoulder before telling you he’s gonna go get you guys some drinks and you nod. Wooyoung directs him to the kitchen and he ends up taking Mingi with him, leaving you and Wooyoung alone, well as alone as you can be in a crowded room.

“I didn’t think you’d come” “I thought about it, trust me” you only half joked, parties really weren’t your thing. “Well I’m glad you did, my night just got a whole lot better” he said as he gave you a sweet smile. You could’ve swore your heart skipped a beat, your eyes widening slightly at his comment. Wow this boy was smooth. “I’m sure your night was just fine without me” you teased as you tried to play off your mini panic. “Sure, it was fine, but now it’s better.” You just started at him, trying to push your butterflies deep, deep down. What the heck was up with this guy and why were you so affected by him?

Wooyoung smiled at your reaction, trying to push his own butterflies to the side, but he really couldn’t, not when you were staring at him all cutely. He had to fight back the urge to pinch your cheeks, crossing his arms to help him out a bit. He was just as confused as you were, he had never felt so… interested by anyone like this before, it made his heart pound in his chest.

You quickly averted your gaze to try and stop the heat spreading to your cheeks, and that’s when you noticed your two friends had abandoned you for some guys from your psychology class, Hongjoong and Seonghwa you think their names are. “Well that’s rude” “you mumbled under your breath, and Wooyoung heard you, following your gaze before laughing. “Come on, let’s get you a drink,” he said. He placed his hand on the small of your back and you quickly jumped away, feeling like you had been shocked.

The two of you stared at each other. Did he feel it too? Wooyoung, out of curiosity, looked down at your wrist, only to see it covered with a copious amount of bracelets. You too, looked at his wrist and you felt the urge to vomit when you saw the same little heart scar that you had stared at every day since you were nine on his wrist. It had to be a coincidence, right? It didn’t matter, you suddenly felt hot, like someone had set you on fire and your breathing became uneven and heavy, you had to get out of there. Quickly turning on your heels, you rushed out of the apartment, rushing down the stairs to get as far away as you could.

Wooyoung was hot on your heels though, following behind you as soon as you left. “Y/n, Y/n slow down” Wooyoung called after you. The look on your face before you ran out had him so worried. Your eyes were wide, mouth slightly agape as your breathing started to pick up, he just wanted to know you were okay.

After running for a while, the thoughts in your head running rampant, you became light headed. You could barely stand up straight anymore, scraping both your palms and knees as you fell to the sidewalk. Wooyoung felt his heart drop when you fell and rushed to your side as quickly as he could. “Hey Y/n, you okay, just breath. In and out like this, can you do that?” “N-no- I- too much” “Y/n, hey Y/n look at me.” Wooyoung cupped your face, forcing you to look at him as he helped you calm down.

He knew then that you were his soulmate, because he could feel all of it, the light headedness, the heart racing, the fear that had built up in the pit of his stomach, he knew. So once you were calm and in his arms, he let out a shaky sigh, holding you a bit tighter as he looked down at you. He had dreamed about meeting his soulmate for so long, never did he imagine that his soulmate would get a panic attack upon finding out. All he wanted was for you to feel safe and happy around him, not scared and vulnerable.

The two of you sat there in silence on the side of the sidewalk for about 30 minutes, he still held you in his arms and you allowed him, feeling an odd sense of comfort from his hold. The two of you would get strange looks from passerbyers but you didn’t care, not right now.

“Thank you” were the first words out of your mouth as you pulled away to look at him. Wooyoung just nodded, keeping his hand on your back, rubbing it gently as if to reassure you. “I should go home” you said quietly as you stood up, “let me walk you” “you don’t-” “I’m not letting you walk alone at night.” His voice was gentle, but his tone also told you there was no room for argument, he was going to make sure you got home safe.

The entire walk was silent, Wooyoung was trying to figure out what to say to you. How was he meant to start a conversation with his soulmate who seemed so freaked out about having a soulmate? Wooyoung wanted to let out a loud groan of frustration and fall to the floor like a toddler throwing a fit, but he didn’t. Instead he turned to look over at you, letting a small sigh fall from his lips. “Can I ask you something?” Wooyoung finally speaks, making you stop to look at him. You nod, having a feeling you knew what he was going to ask. “Why are you so afraid” “I’m not” he gave you an unamused look before holding up his wrist. “I can feel what you feel, remember?” Damn this stupid fucking bond, you mentally cursed. You know he deserved an answer, he was your soulmate and was equally affected by whatever was going on in your life as you were, but you didn’t know him, you didn’t feel comfortable opening up to him, not yet. “Will you be mad if I tell you I can’t tell you” “can’t or won’t” “won’t” you answered truthfully. Wooyoung let out a soft sigh before shaking his head, “I won’t be mad, if you're not comfortable I’m not going to push you-” There was a beat of silence as he ran his hand through his hair as he tried to calm down his frustration. “Will you tell me eventually?” “I don’t know… I hope so” you answer truthfully. That seems to be enough for Wooyoung as he nods and takes your hand in his, motioning for you to lead the way.

--

It had been two days since the party and you hadn’t seen Wooyoung since, and for some reason, it was killing you. You felt like a total sellout, just a week ago you were perfectly content with never meeting your soulmate, barely giving the idea a thought, but now? Now you felt like you needed to see him. You had heard about this from other people with the soulmate mark, they say that once you meet your soulmate, all you want is to be around them, you thought that was utter bull shit, until now.

Yeosang and Mingi still didn’t know, and you weren’t about to tell them. You knew that once you did they would tell you how much of an idiot you were being. All you had to do was talk to him, get to know him and then maybe explain why you think soulmates are overrated, but you were scared that you would break around him, and give into the system you despised.

“It’s been two days, you need to get out of bed” Yeosang stated as he yanked your covers off you. “What even happened, why are you so moppy” Mingi asked as he helped Yeosang get you to stand. “Nothing” you mumbled, allowing them to push you into the bathroom so you could brush your teeth and get ready for class. “Come on Y/n, we’re not dumb, we know what’s going on.” You turned to Yeosang with wide eyes, he knew? How? “You’ve done nothing but stare at your soulmate mark for the past two day. So…” “so what” you replied, quickly turning back around to rinse out your mouth. “Who is it bitch” Mingi shouted as he turned you around to look at him. “No one, stop being weird” you tried to dismiss them and walk out but Yeosang blocked the door, staring straight into your eyes. “Who is it” “Who is it” they asked one after another, over and over again until they were basically chanting it in your ear. “Stop it! It’s Wooyoung, god it’s Wooyoung you freaks!” You shouted, quickly pushing past them to go back into your room.

“Wooyoung! The guy who invited us to that party?” Mingi exclaims with wide eyes. “Why didn’t you tell us” “because I knew you guys were going to freak out” “obviously! You found your soulmate that’s huge!” You just shook your head, he didn’t get it, after all these years he still didn’t understand. “Yeosang, I don’t want a soulmate” “no you don’t want an artificial, showy love” “wha-” “Y/n, for as long as I’ve known you, you’ve been nothing but closed off and reserved when it comes to the idea of soulmate, but I see you when you see couples, real couples walk down the street, or when you watch those cheesy rom coms or dramas. You want to be loved” Yeosang all but shouts at you. He loves you and he wants nothing but the best for you, but sometimes you could be so stubborn. “You’re afraid of your soulmate using you and your relationship for attention” “I- shut up” you pout, you hate how he knows you so well, it’s sickening.

Yeosang chuckles and takes a seat next to you on your bed, “so, it looks like you have two options, keep pretending that love is gross and disgusting and is the root of all evil, or you can share your concerns to Wooyoung and hope he understands” “what if he doesn’t?” Your voice is so small you ask the question, because you were terrified he wouldn’t, that the person you were meant to be with for the rest of your life would ignore your worries and brush them and you off. “Then me and Mingi will go have a little talk with him and you’ll never have to see him again” Mingi nods rapidly, showing you that he wouldn’t let anything bad happen to you, neither of them would. “You guys suck, you know that'' you tease, allowing Yeosang to pull you into a hug. He hums in response, pulling you closer to ease your anxiety.

--

You stood in front of Wooyoung’s apartment, eyes trained on the door as you worked up the courage to knock. Which was proving to be a lot harder than you thought. You bring your hand up to the door, fist ready to knock, but you don’t you just stand there- until the door opens. You pull your hand back and step back quickly, you weren’t expecting anyone to open the door. San smiles at you, “you can go in, his room is the last door on the right” “thank you” you mumbled, quietly slipping in as San leaves, probably to attend one of his classes.

Knocking on Wooyoung’s door is a lot easier than knocking on the front door. “Go away” sounds tired and it hurts to think you caused that. “I can’t do that Wooyoung” you respond. In no time at all he’s standing in front of you with wide eyes. His hair is a bit messy and his shirt is on backwards, but he still managed to look so god damn good. Pushing that thought aside, you give him a weak smile, and he returns it, stepping out and closing his door. “I would say let’s talk in my rooms but it’s a bit of a mess right now” you giggle, nodding as you follow him to the living room.

“I’m sorry” is the first thing out of your mouth, “for what?” He seems genuinely confused. Wooyoung didn’t think you did anything wrong, he knew you needed space, it was just giving you that space was harder than he thought. “Y/n you have nothing to be sorry for” he reassures, gently rubbing your knee.You look at him and suddenly your fears of him not understanding melt away, in the short time you knew him, he’s probably the most understanding man you had ever met. He was sweet and kind and caring, how could you think he wouldn’t understand.

So you tell him everything, from how you feel that soulmate love feels fake, artificial, that no one tries, to your fear that he might use you as a way to get attention from others. And He listens, he listens to it all, never once interrupting you, encouraging you to take your time when you struggle to get the words out. He even wiped your tears when you started crying, hell he even started crying himself.

“Y/n-” He speaks up after you finish. He takes your hand and gives it a reassuring squeeze, “-I know my words won’t be enough to reassure you, so I’ll show you” he smiles. When you give him a confused look he smiles even harder, “I will show you that love isn’t superficial and I’ll show you that I will never use you, because I would never want to hurt you Y/n.” He speaks with so much sincerity that it overwhelms you, causing tears to effortlessly fall from your eyes. “All I have ever wanted was for my soulmate to be happy, and if I can make you happy, I will” Your body reacts before your brain can and you're immediately on him, hugging him so tightly as you let your happy tears flow freely. You don’t say anything, and neither does he, but you don’t have to, because both of you know that everything will be alright, as long as you’re together.

“Awww!” Wooyoung doesn’t let go of you as the two of you turn to see the owner of the voice. “Yun, you have terrible timing dude” Wooyoung grumbles to his roommate Yunho. “I’m sorry but that was just so sweet-” “get out” Wooyoung whined as he pulled you closer, making you laugh. Yunho mocks Wooyoung before giving you a joking bow, “it was nice to meet you Y/n” he says as he playfully winks. Wooyoung chases his friend out of the room before returning back to you. “Movie?” He questions and you nod, smiling up at him, “a movie sounds nice.”

[thefanbasewhore]

I’ve had this idea stuck in my head for a week now 😫 how about a hc with Din accidentally walking in on reader taking a shower (but only sees their back or smn and reader doesn’t notice him) and he’s extremely awkward around them after that? Bonus points if they’re not together but there’s definitely ✨ something ✨ between them 🤧

gf, I love this idea 💞 get ready for flustered shy tin can 🤧 I wrote this very quickly probably doesn't have as much detail as it should but none the less hope you enjoy it! (I didn't do a taglist for this because I'm on mobile atm, but I am still taking request for head cannons while I finish the small bit of my clan din AU so it's coming soon to anyone who is wondering :))

Summary: Din sees reader back for the first time and gets really really shy about it.

Warning/Content: I really just had fun with this one, nothing sad or fluffy. Mentions of ass cheeks and nipples. Embarrassed Din.

It was late, very late when the Mandalorian managed to return, bounty in hand but not for long as the hissing of carbonate freezes him without worry.

Din starts to pull at his armour to remove it, not really caring as it falls to the ground with a slight thump until all he's left in is the dark tunic and matching pants with one goal in mind: a shower and sleep.

He's careful, tip toeing around the scattered toys left by his son, reminding him to pick them up in the morning before you or the baby manage to face plant into the floor of the crest.

Fingers push the curtain of the make shift room to the side to meet a green, curled up ball. The blankets are tucked under, three pillow per his request on each side of him, slow low breaths fall from his slightly parted lips, tiny white teeth poke through.

Then press the button to open his own bed except it's empty, he expects the bed hog who's been . He must have been to tired to notice the sound of the shower running, thick, hot steam that cloud the lower belly of the Razor Crest.

The ray of light that comes through the crack of the door attracts him, reflecting off his helmet as he approaches, hand pressing against the door to close it, to insure your privacy but through the thick steam of the room it catches a long part of skin, naked and out on display.

He tries to look away, really does because this is creepy and you deserve better then having him peeping on you like some pervert but the small of your back looks so smooth, two points that form dimples would make the perfect spot for his thumbs to fit while he's -

He shakes his head, face underneath the helmet growing red, his skin hot with the thought of joining you, giving into this we love each other but can never be together game you have going.

The steam wraps around his throat, makes it hard to breath as it fills the helmet. Eyes drop lower and lower to the top of your ass check as he has to hold onto the wall for support, leaning against it but his hand misses it completely, catching himself mid fall but not before his helmet bangs of the metal wall with a loud shriek.

Fuck, Fuck, Fuck

The Mandalorian is in full panic mode, fingers begin to tremble, trying to decide if he should just run away or answer to your, "Hello?"

His skin is so hot, it burns and pricks, forms small beads of sweet against his forehead as he squeezes his eyes shut. Despite being on the verge of a panic attack he sounds calm.

"It's... just me... I'm sorry, I was going to shower. I didn't want to bother you I was just going to go bed and tripped. I didn't mean to scare you."

"It's okay, I'll be out in a second. Didn't know you'd be home, it's early. I had the worst headache, thought a shower would help."

He leans against the wall, hand meeting the metal forehead with a whine as he taps it, idiot, idiot. "Yeah, okay Cyar'ika."

As you clatter through the bathroom, turning the water off and drying yourself he's starting to recover from his embarrassment, it sounds like you believed him but he nervously waits and he's glad he does.

You step out of the shower with just a towel that barely covers you, it's pushed tightly across your chest but just enough that he can see the the way your body reacts to the change of temperature, nipples hardening almost instantly. The towel leaves little to the imagination and it makes him want to see more but all he does instead is snap his gaze back up to your face before mumbling something about going to sleep and walking past you to close the door.

When he returns he finds you in clothes, tucked comfy into the blankets of the bed, it's dark, you made sure for when he returned from the shower he could just take the helmet off to go to sleep.

"The baby was miserable today.. wouldn't let me sleep." Din doesn't reply, just lets out a small sound from his chest, he turns to face you except he's greeded with nothing but darkness. "Head still hurts though, I'm going to try and sleep."

"Goodnight Cyar'ika, sweet dreams."

The next morning Din wakes up to an empty bed, it's usual after a bounty, you wake up with the baby to let him rest no matter how much he tells you it's fine, but who knows when the last time he's slept a full night.

Feet follow the sound of babbling and cooing, followed by your calming voice. The baby instantly changes as he sees his father, happy for his return as he waddles and pulls on his pant leg with grabby hands.

"Hi, pal." Eyes shift over to you as he lifts his son, mixing a small bowl of fruit together for which he is guessing is for the child that presses his fingers against his neck, curling a small piece of hair that peaks from under the helmet. "Does your back feel better?"

At that very moment he is so glad the heavy, lousy piece of beskar hides his face as is hits up ablaze, visibly stiffening as you tilt your head in his direction. He clears his throat, "I.. um. I.. meant your head."

He's choked up, fumbling words as pure lava sets in his chest, throat closing. He's nervous, caught red handed as he notices the cocky smile against your lips.

"You look nervous Din." You're playing with him, enjoying this moment that makes the man seem so very human. Sometimes it's hard to remember when he looks so unhuman, but the way his chest blushes under the white shirt, free hand nervously fiddles the hem of the shirt behind his back, can't speak much like last night he was too busy staring at you to notice you caught a glimpse of him in the mirror. "My back feels very fine, would you like to see or did you see enough yesterday?"

Before your hands could even reach the bottom of the t-shirt he is walking away, defeating mumbling something along the lines of. "That's not funny."

[nox-artemis]

Kentaro Miura

It took me awhile to get my thoughts in order. Honestly, as well intentioned as they are, a constant stream of fan tributes on Twitter and Tumblr more-or-less telling me how to process “The End” of Berserk with Miura’s death didn’t do a lot to console me, so I had to take some huge steps away from social media and only conversed my feelings with my other close Berserk fan-friends.

It was very surreal waking up yesterday morning to a friend messaging me simply saying, ��did you hear the news?” When shit like that happens, I go onto my Google stories app and scroll through. I didn’t find anything really worth getting too upset over (maybe a bit sad that Queen Elizabeth II’s doggo died?) so it hit me to check my Twitter feed instead.

And that’s when I saw it.

We all know death is inevitable, and life is pretty much spent prolonging the point to that inevitability as well as preparing ourselves for when it happens to us or someone close to us. Being part of the Berserk fandom was the only time we all collectively had this on our mind not only for someone else but for someone we never met or really knew that much about. We only knew Miura through his magnum opus – and that was good enough for us. And no matter how much we discussed the worst-case scenario – pondering how the story would continue and how WE would continue – it still wasn’t enough to prepare us for this amount of shock. Hearing Miura had died and that the Berserk we know and love under his direct supervision is over truly felt like losing a long-lost friend.

It wasn’t just that the Berserk we know of is “over”, but that Miura didn’t have to die. He was only 54: not a young age, but not an old age either, especially by today’s standards. He could have seen the end to his magnum opus the way he envisioned it, yet he died of something so avoidable but is only brought about by a great deal of stress (from what I’ve read). It was always a morbid open rumor that so many of Miura’s infamous hiatuses were actually mental and/or physical health breaks, so the older or more conscious of us fans, while always eager and anxious for a new chapter, learned to not take them so personally. Miura was a spellbinding artist and storyteller, but he was also a human with his own life and conflicts that he was entitled to address at his own pace. This isn’t meant to blame anyone (at the very least, maybe to address some societal/industry issues), but it’s troubling enough to remind everyone – as the story of Berserk has demonstrated – that you need to take care of yourself physically and mentally, and while everyone struggles in life, you don’t have to struggle alone.

I always despised this weird cult of youth that insinuates that life isn’t worth pursuing once you hit your mid-thirties, and how some people so engulfed in their youth insist that they wouldn’t mind dying by the age of 50 or 60. It’s a shame when people live by that because there’s so much to live for beyond your youth – as I’ve learned, I only started buckling down when I transitioned into my thirties. Miura could have had a longer life ahead of him, going beyond Berserk and into his other endeavors, professional and personal, but that will unfortunately never happen now.

Everyone knows I have a lot of thoughts and opinions on Berserk. Most of you found out about me through my blogging several years ago, and I’m pretty proud that I was never the sort of fan that groveled at Miura’s feet and treated Berserk as some untouchable holy book: there were things I disliked about Berserk and things that disappointed me about Miura’s writing, but there were SO MANY MORE THINGS that I loved about Berserk and was proud of Miura for, and I wished him to continue his advancement in narrative growth. He did so and we watched it happened.

And, by meeting so many friends and acquaintances through the fandom, we saw a lot in ourselves change too. It’s surreal how we always joked that it would be one of us fans who would die before Berserk ended or the worst-case scenario of Miura dying; maybe some of us secretly preferred for that happen. But when we weren’t waiting around for another chapter… look at how much we’ve done with our lives! We graduated high school, undergrad, grad school, started and advanced our careers, traveled the world, got together, popped out a kid or two!... And while we experienced a lot of downfalls and tragedies that coincide, can you believe how much we have accomplished together?

We were all personally inspired, motivated, persuaded by Berserk in different ways: a lot of us were inspired for the better and admittedly, some for the not-as-good (if spending countless hours on Tumblr has taught me, there were definitely some toxic fan takeaways that had to be confronted). I’m not going to go to the point of saying that I now live my life by Berserk’s philosophy to a T or live as a reflection of certain characters (because I’m pretty sure that Miura was trying to tell us to NOT live your life like some particular characters) but it certainly helped to brings some aspects of life and existence into perspective, through the lenses of so many characters. Berserk also inspired me to write more, an already favorite pastime of mine, and how I should go about writing and planning a story, taking cues from Berserk on how to and how NOT to write and approach things in my own way, which I think is for the best in the long run. I can only dream that I’ll be published someday – which doesn’t have to be a pipe dream because it’s still much more possible than impossible. And so many other have done the same, creating our own stories and works.

And OF COURSE Berserk inspired me to be a little bit badass from time to time in moments of frivolity and seriousness – but it reminds us all that being badass and being a kinder person who tries to become the best version of themselves are not mutually exclusive. We definitely need more of that in today’s world.

We all made our own little bonfires of dreams happen, and because of Berserk existing, there will be a lot more beginnings than endings, and I don’t see a lot of bonfires being extinguished anytime soon. Miura poured his heart and soul into Berserk and its characters, and while he has passed on, his characters and lessons will live on through us and everything we create and how we live our lives (hopefully for the better).

I was happy to share all of my thoughts with you all – and I’ll continue to do so, since the mythos of Berserk has been a major backdrop of my creative mind for over fifteen years now and there is still so much to dissect and speculate. Personally, I don’t see Berserk ending just yet, if only because I’d be surprised that Miura or his publisher didn’t have some Operation London Bridge type plan in place in the event that this happened (Berserk is, after all, a major title that most likely brings Young Animal a lot of revenue). Again, I never treated Miura or Berserk as divine untouchables, so if there are plans in place to continue Berserk without Miura (BUT with his permission) or just on how to wrap up the story to give it a fulfilling conclusion, I personally would be okay with it (as a friend of mine put it, it’d be more of a tribute than an imitation). Going beyond our lifetimes, works will continue to be interpreted and reinterpreted as they have since time immemorial; perhaps Berserk will reach that point someday.

Honestly, and many have thought so too, Berserk was also meant to be cosmic level in both scale and concept. The plot is so grand and Byzantine that, even under Miura’s direct supervision, I always had a hard time envisioning how a story of this scale would conclude. As much as we love to hate him, a final showdown between Guts and Griffith seems too simple, too “good vs. evil”-esque for Berserk. Maybe having a low-key, vague but optimistic and bittersweet wrap up is what is best for Guts, Casca, and their new-found family. But that’s just another one of my fan speculations.

Regardless or what is to become of Berserk now, I think it’s safe to give adulations. We all came across Berserk at different times in our lives and stuck with the story for different reasons. For some of us, it was just another series that our friend from the campus anime club recommended to us; for others, we were drawn in from a morbid curiosity of its dark notoriety in anime circles. A few of us read for the gratuitous violence and the clout (because we all know you’re so deep and hardcore [/sar]), but a lot more of us read for the journey and the characters that we became a part of. The heaviness of Berserk made us confront a lot of trauma and even relive our own. For some of us, understandably, it was not a good idea to dive deeper (and maybe somethings could have been handled better); for the rest of us, it helped us cope, if not entirely through the story itself, than through the support network we made for ourselves in this fandom and its many realms (some realms, I argue, are more caring and nurturing than others).

From time to time, I always wonder if I would ever “grow out” of Berserk. There were indeed several times I took a step away from fandom and have tried to reduce my exposure to the story - but I always came back in some way, because the essence of Berserk has never left me and never will. Humorously I envisioned myself actually forgetting about Berserk for several decades, decades in which I work at my career, raise my family, mourn my elders, but continue living my life, only to go on the future internet in my mid-50s to find out… Miura is STILL working on that ending, sitting at his desk in the same pose as that famous monochrome capture of him, only he’s grayed and wrinkled, like the great Miyazaki.

The possibility of that future is over, but there are so many others.