yoshimonster

[yoshimonster]

Blog #11: Reaching Next Levels of Existentialism

This past week and a bit has been so strange. I believe I started it by doing a hackathon – which, if you don’t know, is basically a weekend long challenge where you have to make a product or even propose a product by the end of the 48 hr time period. There are also random mingling activities hackathons do, typically a getting to know you type event or trivia nights etc. It’s not a bad idea at all, but typically if you apply with a group you just stick with that group over the next couple of days. I think the socialising towards the end of the hackathon is when things get actually interesting and connections form. Forming new connections always takes time.

I also, since Monday this week, have been watching so many geopolitics of the world videos and it’s gotten me to recalibrate part of my life. I believe I was just looking up some random Kpop news which turned into me googling North Korea, which then turned into looking up world news. A lot of the videos are super history-centric and focused on the aftermath of a series of events … yep I can relate to the aftermath of a series of events a lot. It touches on what I said in earlier entries, where I talk about the exhaustion of navigating through tough situations/putting up a front and how draining that can be. It’s been really interesting how certain world events that happen, especially the really major life changing ones, and then decades later the effects would be felt or people would continue to be hung up about them. I reckon that’s a part of life.

I really used to dismiss the long-term impacts of my decisions which I’m sure is clear from everything earlier and treat life sort of like a video game. You have a challenge you overcome it and then you move onto the next challenge. Despite this, I’ve always been such a fantasy lover and Harry Potter was my entire childhood – I just loved the idea of some mystical external being coming over and whisking me away to a land where I wouldn’t be so hopeless and in fact people liked me by default. Though, I’m not sure that I would’ve handled things are gracefully as Harry did back then – I was given way too much lenciency and freedom as a child that I was almost paralysed with the freedom I had.

I feel like this is quite privileged thing to say; people sacifirce their lives for such freedom and ability to pursue their dreams. But, regardless, that was my experience and it feels wrong to discount the fact that you kind of need a balance between firmness and freedom to deal with things as they come. I remember after a long time of being so confused and not sure of anything, that I got to see people living under such harsh conditions. I, in a weird twisted way, wanted me to live under those conditions … ultimately I would be so much more productive than I currently was. I followed this feeling with the sheer amount of workload I had, but this caused me to fall back down mostly because of having a pretty weak foundation and I really started hating the time that I had lost where I could’ve spent building that foundation. Now, I have considerably less workload and such limited guidance … and I have to forge my own path ahead which is just something to dislike given a still weak foundation. At this point, I’m just convincing myself that this is possible despite everything and I hope that it doesn’t come back to bite me at all. It’s such a hard balance of believing in yourself and also strengthening your base.

I do see these sort of crises effecting other people in my life, but probably to a lesser extent because of a relatively stronger foundation. A lot of my friends at this stage have their careers sorted out but their personal lives are minimal. My parents have pretty much everything they wanted on an individual level anyway and are feeling the effects of mid-life crises – caught in between helping their daughters and needing to set themselves up for a post-employment life. They are simultaneously trying to enjoy their lives while they still feasibly can, look after the family and make a last hurrah in their places of work, given that my career is not sorted out at all. I also see other people my age that have gone through such hard times and have such expansive visions. Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, a lot of those circumstances were more resolvable than mine mostly because the skill gap was considerably less. I don’t know how to feel about it, like on one hand I’m definitely really particular about everything for obvious reasons and definitely thinking more forward than ever, but this isn’t impossible to do if many other things in your life are sorted out. So I believe it’s best to diversify as much as possible, and that usually means there does have to be a semi-strong foundation at the very least. Even though I have nothing, at sometimes it feels like I have so much because of these pains – like some unseeable emotional energy where I can’t afford to take anything for granted (I am still guilty of this somewhat). A nice, cliff-falling type feeling.

-yoshimonster-

[yoshimonster]

Blog #10: Wrote this yesterday, so I'll post it tomorrow

Happy 10th post! I just posted my previous blog post which I’ve actually had written up for a couple days now and decided that why not get started on the next one because I’m feeling in a creative mood (and would love to procrastinate on my assignments). Speaking of, I do have to ramp up the studying – I did actually have a 2hr tutoring session yesterday and that did not go over well, as I only wrote less than 2 lines of code for something that most likely will be over 100 lines long. The plagiarism detectors have been getting stronger especially with AI legitimately taking over the world. It came out last year which was perfect timing as I used it to answer every single academic question I had under the sun. Apparently, it’s “dangerous” and doesn’t allow us to think, which I sort of agree with by the way – I found this out the hard way when I tried to use it do multiple mini assignments last semester; it was fruitless and studying will always remain studying.

Otherwise, things have really been ramping up in terms of the group project. A bunch of us are doing a hackathon this weekend and that means I have to wake up super early to get through content/study so I can keep working on the project moving forward – I’ve been lacking these past few days because of the mental exhaustion that comes with having such shaky academic foundation vs your midterms. The routine is getting better slowly, though the casual parading around that things are fine really hasn’t. I think being more indirectly honest is helping much more, though the thing about that is the person who is receiving the information. Like the main culprits have way too much time on their hands while the other culprits are super busy and see me stressed out all the time to even care (cause we’ve been taking our subjects together lol). That’s the environment to see me get the most annoyed haha.

I’ve been feeling better since the last blog post, because signing up for these hackathons means I can skip dance class which is a different type of gymnastics. The dance classes aren’t actually aerobic in the slightest as it’s more of a traditional dance and therefore it’s not floaty like in those reality dance shows. I personally enjoy the semi-classical (as anyone would) where you get to look and feel elegant, without the rigid pure-math structure and also I really enjoy a lot of folk songs which typically get a lot of mixed responses depending on how idiotic we have to look on stage while performing them. These days, as in from August to December is festive season and essentially lots of dance groups from my city are asked to perform for various events or the dance heads volunteer their groups so that the dance schools can get more exposure at this type of prime time. I feel like that would be one of the reasons I would hate to be a real professional dancer (aside from the fact that dancing 24/7 is it’s own type of dedication) because of the seasonal nature of it. A lot of times if I’m not using a skill on the regular I will most likely forget a lot of it. Though yes festive season this year has been really up and down in terms of performances, and at an all time high in terms of family parties. Just this past month has been the quiet before the storm with invites reaching for the end of October and early November, in my case it’s mostly been end of year catchups being planned, though the family events have become insanely packed.

Otherwise, I took a mini-break to listen to my friend rant about a really horrible pushing of boundaries and it just reaffirmed the idea that subtle cues/non-cues even can give away so much. Sort of like being really conscious of yourself, what you mean and how the other person sees your intentions – and the importance of having really strong mental and physical health and overall firmness. I remember realising this a while ago, when something similar happened, though luckily I was able to get out of it by navigating really carefully and moving past most negative thoughts as fast as possible. It actually took me a while to accept things overall but the fact that I was guided into being really firm helped lessen the blow for sure and allowed me space to breathe and consider how I felt. A lot of the time, it’s so hard to be aware of your own thoughts/feelings when you fixate on others’ perceptions. I’m actually really excited to take things as they come, even though I will need to plan for things in advance for logistical and sanity purposes. It’s been much nicer dealing with things this way because it reminds me things don’t just end; they usually accumulate. Speaking of, I probably should get back to semi-cramming but still keep my head above water.

-yoshimonster-

[yoshimonster]

Blog #9: The boredom continues

It’s only been a few days since I last updated and boredom continues to hit stronger than ever. I actually managed to cover some more topics and even have done some more future topics that are coming up for my algorithms course. It is actually insane how productive I can be when I just put my mind to it, but somehow I never have enough time to do everything I want.

I’ve been trying to get back into it by having a better routine etc but it’s really tough. It does work somewhat and I feel like this creative output is sometimes the only thing I can be myself with – a lot of the other times I’m super strategically navigating situations that happen in life, which is to be expected. Especially these days since I have less technical subjects to do, it often feels like I’m wasting my time and not doing enough. I find it hard to relax, just be, or even work towards goals on my own – so I keep trying to make myself more busy but scheduling things in and neglecting to just sit down and do the work for other things in life. I will say specifically because today is a public holiday it’s been hitting harder and almost reaching pandemic levels of boredom (but at least we can go outdoors which is a nice relief).

Besides that, just got in some major trouble with because of not responding to something on time – that is quite the repeated pattern with me and it’s honestly getting exhausting. This year is just a bunch of events and parties and everything – and I cannot tell you what is worse being immensely depressed or being liable for so many things when your still healing. Going back to a bad space is not an option anymore. It’s been a really worn out type process.

Essentially, because of post-pandemic and a combination of many fellow family friends graduating, this year, even the start of the year when there are usually hardly any events, has been one big every weekend is a party type vibe. Honestly, I wouldn’t mind this at all otherwise, events are fun and always great to go to and organise – but there is so much putting up a front that I can feasibly do. Even at university, avoiding questions has become almost next to impossible nowadays because of the considerably higher-level topics I’m covering. Really ambitious topics if I’m being honest and definitely needed to have been done in continuation to really see the fruits of semester-by-semester labour. I believe yes it is taxing and so emotionally exhausting but I’m really grateful that’s I’m at least able to survive better than I ever did. It is much more intentional than before.

Now nearing the end of the day and have done just about enough luckily (though really must do some more before heading to bed). I was struggling with some semi-basic things and know that I have to learn things so rapidly, feeling like I’m running out of time. Otherwise, doing group projects is its own pain despite the fact that they don’t have exams involved – the ongoing torture of them can somehow be worse than just learning content and problem solving, which don’t get me wrong I’m horrible at that but there are definitely more feasible ways of getting the job done which at this rate is all I care about. My sister of course was in a mood with me, that was not fun to go through and trying to apply even semi-basic things has just become a new kind of overwhelming I don’t think I’m fully prepared for (just partially have my bearings at this stage). I don’t know I really hope the next two events (potentially 3) go over well – the amount of backhanded answers I’m providing is putting a toll on me more than anything and I never thought I would reach this type of breaking point after going through the worst of it. Being enough isn’t cutting it anymore, I think everyone is looking for results and I’m just upset with myself that I can’t provide them.

-yoshimonster-

[yoshimonster]

Blog #8: bad idea, right?

Wassup monsters! Been in such a weird and bored mood these past few days, mostly bored to be honest. I believe last week was when I actually started really feeling it, especially since I ate a bunch of chips and watched the second season of Heartstopper (yes also loving the new Olivia Rodrigo song!). It was really really great and even better than season 1! I loved the realistic high school portrayal and it really took me back into much simpler times. Otherwise, I’m severely feeling bored these days primarily because of the lack of structure that I’m experiencing with the subjects I am taking.

Out of the list, it seems like I have only one core subject that has some sort of heavy contact hours at university left where they literally hold your hand for every single question. I only just have my maths, algorithms and group project left out of my core courses and perhaps machine learning. Everything else is pretty much up to me, and there are hardly any practical sort of interactions left at all – a lot of this is such independent problem solving. I realise that I can’t really continue on like this, it’s very strange to have to be even more intentional than I previously was to get things done. It really makes me sad honestly, quite a core chunk of my friends are graduating so soon and are hardly interested in keeping contact. Unfortunately, I know this all too well and how this can really burn bridges – you’ve really got to be firm with the plans you make and the time you invest. I have already tried the whole clubs and societies thing actually and was fairly active in those circles too – again being intentional was the thing that worked for me and I had to severely cut down on my responsibilities so that I could actually reach the point where I became comfortable with my studies. Speaking of, I need to get back into this before it reaches an even worse breaking point than before – it’s taking me back to the feelings I was going through about 2 years ago and I really can’t afford a repeat of that at all.

Anyways, I have managed to actually cover a fair amount of content due to pure sheer will and force and it actually has helped so much in getting a good foundation/starting point for the assignments that I have to hand in these days. I’m still needing a lot of help though and my dad especially has been so kind in letting me sit with him and problem solve. Literally was sat going through each little problem and it caused severe amounts of pain to even sit through problem sets for one course let alone the others that I’m doing at the moment. I actually know that even if I do well, which will be a blessing in disguise, it’s such a long road ahead even if I overload subjects/cram more subjects in. If all goes well by the end of next year I will definitely would have finished about 3/4 of my course load.

But yes, the boredom has been hitting so real I even initiated calls with friends, replied to most of my messages (which is how you know I’m very bored; a lot of the time I mass reply to messages to save time) and even checked through emails/caught up with all the latest happening in the house. Over this past weekend actually, I was talking to two of my friends who are a couple and it made me realise why people get into relationships in this period of their lives. Like there’s absolutely none/limited responsibility and you also are supposed to have to time to polish up your routines from your teenage years – therefore, prime time to emotionally invest in another person. Then there’s me: the person who literally found hobbies (still shaky and pretty theoretical at this stage), almost is learning how to study (I am hardly successful enough), learned some basic work/company dynamics, got a routine (which is possibly the most repetitive necessary thing I’ve had to do) and also like severely personality shifted my life out of pure force. Wow I realise that I literally wasted so much of my teenage life just floating about and in my head. Nowadays when I encounter this in other people, I feel such an intense reaction towards the person despite still wanting to indulge in it from time-to-time. Like this whole Tumblr void can be counted as indulging the urge to let what is in my head unstick.

It's been so intense these past years and to be honest I’m still learning and getting out of it, but I didn’t realise how much it would weigh on me and how unhealthily I still kind of live after everything. Even the amount I care/huge deal everything seems has also washed away with all this newfound independence in my life. I’m still hanging by a thread, sort of accepted it and am hanging on so much more relaxed these days – which has been better for me mentally yet I know the pressure will be on so soon and I need to perform. My sister is graduating in less than 3 months and so is decision day for me. Otherwise, no new updates – a lot of the characters on TV/movies I relate to these days are those that are at crossroads or those that have really done something that’s impacted many close people around them. I guess it’s almost perfect timing that it’s approaching end of year now, where everything is ramping up and people are eager to explore different things in the world. The whole recession news made everyone so upset at the start of the year and I’m sure something else demoralising will be back to hit in January, but for now I can’t believe I get to enjoy my life and be a semi-free bird. This semi-free bird made a pretty interesting looking egg-dish (which my devout vegetarian parents did not appreciate haha) but it was so much fun! I literally can’t wait to chemistry experiment my way this whole semester.

-yoshimonster-

[yoshimonster]

Blog #7: I’m Back After About a Month of Not Posting

Hello again world! I should try to sound excited once more for this grand comeback post, which I believe will just be as ordinary as the last time I posted.

So, life moved on, I guess – I actually did my exam for circuit again which I was really glad to have had a chance to do it again considering how stupid (by stupid I mean I was just being a plain idiot and not doing things I already knew how to do) I had been the first time around. It was definitely really easily passable/more than passable if I am being honest and also this was sort of proven with the make up test I did. I did way better and got 85.5% actually compared to the abysmal 38.25% (and even managed to score an extra point during my remark, but the cut off was 40%) and you wouldn’t even know it looking at my transcript. I guess I should have been really mindful the first time around and definitely could have achieved a Credit/Distinction if I really tried hard. Same thing also happened with a coding subject I did last semester, just plain not understanding the vibe caused me to pass by 2 points rather than if I actually just read the question/understood the topic much better I would’ve been fine and potentially scored much higher like a Credit/Distinction. But yes, I’ll just stop with the recap here – I definitely have mentally moved on given the new semester has well and truly started. My maths still remains one of my weakest subjects and I definitely need to majorly brush up on it for this semester’s algorithms course I’m taking. Again, I’m lightening my course load and taking less subjects in general and less subjects with exams (aka group project courses) so as to really brush up for this/also apply for more jobs.

I actually found out about this opportunity recently via my parents and it sounds extremely exciting given the capability/calbre of the job program. As I was putting my application together I just realised how much time I wasted on experiences that could have been something more – sort of like when you handed something so valuable yet you don’t know what you are actually holding. I think you can liken this to going to a museum and being handed some really valuable artwork (from the time era) but disliking it because you don’t understand it or even care to understand it. I’m hoping this analogy makes sense – but wasted potential essentially.

I have enjoyed putting things together this time around, much more than the usual job application anxiety I have because I managed to know myself so painfully thoroughly these past few years that I almost feel numb talking about myself. It’s such a weird combination of acceptance and fear. I have no clue what will happen going next but I do feel much better these days. I think that’s also sort of reflective everywhere – situations/people that were really disappointed in me have improved slightly at the very least and I’m pretty thankful for that. I don’t really want to take it for granted again.

Again, the Taylor Swift saga is well and truly over, I don’t think my sister or I are getting tickets unless we find them on some resale website or friends we know hand us those tickets. I’m sure it will be really fun for people who do get to go, especially since I’ve been seeing posts everywhere of people purchasing tickets in other countries – spots in Asia are particularly popular from what I see. I also sent in my email to a local radio station as a last-ditch effort in the middle of this. I’m definitely not going to get it, my reasoning to get the tickets was way too generic I would say.

But yes, this month has been fun – no major friendship drama, though I’m sure it will start up again as quite a few of my friends are graduating soon. I also finally had the chance to catch up with many of my older friends within a short period of time since I was studying all of July essentially. The highlights being: Barbie movie broke a billion, Korean food is bejewelled, and I probably won’t be going to that Thai place again. Socially, things are still able to maintained somewhat too and I’m really trying to (still) figure out a balance.

-yoshimonster-

[yoshimonster]

Blog #6: Nothing Happened & My Life Remains Exactly Where It Was

So yeah, this title is extremely disappointing and I feel like I’m logging on a bit late as well to tell you that this round of results was good and bad. It was good in that the first third-year subject I’ve taken I received over 75% for the exam I did! And then you have my failing maths and circuit grade, for which I do have a chance of doing my circuit exam again and I really need to bust my tail to make this happen. I also yet again will have to take maths in the foreseeable future (most likely next year) because that one was a bomb and half. I have no context of this situation and can only imagine that it will be absolutely horrible. Similar with circuit, but I did get somewhat of a breakdown at the very least so I’m thankful for this.

Otherwise, additional shows for Taylor Swift Eras Tour got added so there will be more chance tomorrow to get tickets and I am quite overwhelmed with just the rollercoaster of emotions I’m experiencing these days. It’s just sadness and happiness in some random package with a whole lot of making your nose bleed seasoning. I have no idea what this is right now – literally it’s miserable and magical type of a feeling this time. I’m also going to be waking up early and studying probably outside my room for this circuit exam, then going to spiderman tomorrow to maintain a semblance of normality/talk to friends I guess. I really don’t think I’m the best to socialise with right now – but it’s fake it till you make it type of an everyday routine.

Family are also in a very weird mood right now, they do have that base level of disappointment, which I can’t really blame them for, but they are also experiencing these mixed emotions to a lesser degree than me. They honestly are trying their best and I should definitely be more understanding/aware of everything. But I remember (and this is a bit of Devil’s Advocate just a disclaimer), when I went on an overseas trip earlier this year and I was also a bystander to someone much younger than me going through really rough times with their family trying to support them but not being fully able to, that cut really deep. I remember almost feeling a sense of out of body sadness on the behalf of another person and I could feel the palpable pain of people trying to help this person. It made me think of my family dynamics quite a lot. And also really acknowledge the fact that, when others experience really rough times it is extremely tough to sit through and support them but when you yourself go through pretty self-induced tough times … yeah there is nothing quite as soul-crushing as that. It is a really draining experience and honestly so hard to explain to those who haven’t gone through it with literal long-term negative consequences effecting pretty much all parts of life. I’ll give an example because perhaps the above is a bit vague, like someone who drinks alcohol to an unhealthy degree, eventually gets liver cancer in the late future and now has to pretty much change their entire lifestyle to accommodate for a problem that could have been quite highly potentially prevented. I believe that this all sort of happens during your elderly years, when literally all the health things you neglect when younger all catch up at the same time – potentially the same type of more (hopefully) accomplished self-regret, although I guess this is unavoidable at that stage in life though.

This whole post was existential and dark. Uh, hope it didn’t make you guys too depressed. I don’t think it’s the best time to elaborate on other random things cause that was just a huge paragraph to read – with a lot of content inside it. Hope you guys have/had a great day – we’ll also ignore the gifs this time around as well to honour this ramble just existing out there.

-yoshimonster-

[yoshimonster]

Blog #5: Grades Are Tomorrow… and so are the Taylor Swift Tickets

Was highly considering not posting today, I don’t believe I posted yesterday (Monday) either and believe the void of Tumblr deserved an update rather than me being in an upset state of mind which will definitively happen tomorrow with grades release. I honestly am feeling almost equally nervous about securing Taylor Swift tickets as I am with my grades coming out. If I was more sane, perhaps the grades release would not worry me as much but it really does. Neither of my parents are working from home tomorrow and I don’t know how these tears are going to be under control. I should just expect the worst before giving myself any false hope if things turn out well that, which if that became reality would honestly be irreplaceable gift. I also released I gave my friend wrong instructions to getting Ticketek details tomorrow, I have resolved this and need to transfer money into my account for the presale tomorrow – this was thanking the stars that I ran into my sister’s plans for tomorrow. I really don’t want to take anything for granted.

In other news, I going to work on some social media stuff tomorrow as a way to be happy after grades release/exam preparation which I will most certainly need. This pit in my stomach will never go away if I am being completely honest. I think more than acceptance, I just want to appreciate what I have right now. I’m pretty lucky that I am at least in a better mental spot than last year and can face bad news better. I don’t think I should take this for granted, it’s actually lovely to grow from where I was about a year and a half ago.

My parents were a bit more understanding in recent days and I know they can tell I’m trying not to be happy in anticipation. I am grateful but to be happy in my position would be a pretty naïve move to make, let’s appreciate the fact that I can talk to you guys right now – where would I be if the internet didn’t exist! It’s been a fun week-ish of talking to Tumblr for a while. Otherwise, I am just focussing on room-cleaning, none of which I did today but a lot of which I did yesterday. I will have to continue doing so probably towards the end of this week. Still a lot of clothes to fold and books to put away. Definitely going to have exam(s) to study for too. This Friday is supposed to be me watching Spiderman too, that will be pretty intense as well because I will have these exam results weighing on me. Hopefully I can grab those Taylor tickets, I cannot wait! I can let you guys briefly know my Taylor Swift journey below.

So I definitely only listened to singles growing up, which were catchy enough. I think I fell for the ‘she dates many boys in quick succession’ trope and this was quite puzzling to me. Mostly because I took it way too literally and didn’t really register the fact that 100 songs don’t mean 100 different boys – so that was not feasible, thus she hadn’t dated as much as the media was saying so. Although, growing up I was always told to be more selective with potential people to date and it was a bit frustrating to see someone allegedly ‘date’ so much. Further, more than that, I always thought that kind of thing could take a really big toll on someone emotionally, but I do suppose really good songs were inspired by these relationships. I guess I thought of this all a bit too practically. Then during quarantine, because my sister was getting really into Taylor Swift and also because I was really bored, I think I found songs that I liked. I had previously listened to Speak Now fully in my senior year of high school and really liked it because I thought it was fairly more balanced and spoke of things that weren’t only romance exclusively. I know now that pretty much all the albums have that theme somewhere but you really have to dig for these songs and the marketing for the other albums are very first love/heartbreak etc. so probably not a great entry point for someone who likes to listen to music that is either very simple, pop, party song or ways to deal with situations in life (in non-romantic contexts) which you encounter more frequently anyways. Looking for life hacks in music naturally. I did also like quite a few songs from 1989 mostly (again all the non-romantic ones) because I heard them on radio all the time to such an overplayed degree but I guess it was part of the vibe. I do appreciate the romance songs a bit more now that my age group sort of has more established relationships and a pretty extensive hunt happening. And these encounters are pretty important to keep an open mind about – I would say the All Too Well film was very infuriating (from Her's perspective) yet it should be taken as a word of caution honestly.

I believe it’s time to sign off now! I think I’ll post a gif/meme along with this post so things look a little more fun – here’s to Taylor Swift in her cruel summer get up for Eras Tour!

-yoshimonster-

[yoshimonster]

Blog Post #4: It’s Dance Time

So I didn’t write a blog earlier, even though I definitely could have after all of the dancing I did. It was a standard Friday and honestly I can’t wait to not go back next week. I honestly hope that I have significantly turned over my life in other aspects so that my default the ongoing dance sting will reduce. I’ve heard that bad things only get better if you put enough time and energy in other aspects of your life.

Well, honestly things can’t get any worse. They probably can but I am really hoping they don’t. I actually spent forever today cleaning my room and it was quite an intense endeavour. I think I’ve probably cleaned about 50% of it and honestly I have to keep it this way to avoid future conflicts and issues with finding stuff. The way that I’ve just been so unaware yet aware of random stuff in my room is actually ridiculous. And to be honest, the only reason I am moderately aware is because of unavoidable developments that happened in my life over the past year/year and a half.

The (post?) pandemic boredom is actually hitting pretty hard – it feels like I’ve woken up from a long slumber where I was the only one dreaming. Like those dreams you have where you fall but never really hit the ground at all. Constantly in between two locations; your neither on the ground or on the cliff – just up the air somewhere sort of lost, floating like the breeze. Unfortunately, the pandemic made me re-evaluate more than just surviving studies wise, it also made me re-evaluate my life habits at home and definitely we still spend way too much time at home with this recession happening all around the world. I guess this is actually a blessing in disguise but as usual I’m so very accustomed to that instant gratification lifestyle.

Right now, I’m cram watching Haikyuu, a sports volleyball anime, which is extremely popular, though I’m fairly late to the train, so I can talk about more with my friend. The origin story in Episode 1 is so heartwarming and the animation is so beautiful; to draw like that would actually be so cool! Alas, it really isn’t my forte.

Besides that, I tried to have an honest conversation with parents but it did turn into a lecture as usual. I think my point was mostly about expressing care in various ways, which if I’m being completely frank, they have done more than enough. It just sucks that things weren’t more clear to me earlier in life and I really missed quite a few experiences with them. It also has to do with how much I use technology and how I never really was physically bored enough to try to be more creative. These days I’m working on it and sometimes time just flies and other times it really doesn’t. There’s so much to catch up on!

Finally, just a quick update from this morning and Saturday, have sort of resolved the money situation with the Taylor Swift tickets it will cost me quite a bit but hopefully will be able to be a bit more conscious moving forward. Another thing, I have been feeling much better about my room – I finally cleaned more than half of it and am going to finish up while catching up on YouTube/Barbie movies. The amount of plans I’m making is actually insane – like this is what I get for being a hermit all semester long. I also am going to do more maths revision, haven’t done so for a few days now because of the room situation.

If you guys made it till this end, thank you so much, although I’m pretty sure no one in reading this update about my life. But yep as usual, will be dreading dance again every Friday – it’s basically a weekly humbling/ridiculing session directed at me. What a high case of self-consciousness that is. I honestly found it better to perform when I was in newer environments.

-yoshimonster-

[yoshimonster]

Blog Post #3: Me vs. You (but keeping your eyes open is the most important thing)

Hello world! It’s been a pretty steady but very strange ride today. I think today started off not so good with repetitive arguments which has been a recurring theme for me lately. It’s very weird that without university or a trip planned things get messy and super confusing in such a short period of time. Between yesterday and today, I’ve somehow managed to simultaneously anger but also resolve conflicts in my life with various people in my life. It’s all in a very in between place at the moment.

So unfortunately, I think I have this tendency to be way too direct if you talk to me for long/often enough and a habit of not reading the room well enough aka gaging what others are feeling moment by moment in real time. It sometimes feels like I’m still sort of hanging in outer space looking down at Earth or maybe on the FM radio station while the rest of the world is on AM. This is a very out of body experience which happens semi regularly and I don’t know how to control it, if at all, and is probably the reason why I’ve always enjoyed parallel universe fantasy type scenarios. Things that are real but perhaps not fully formed.

Anyways, was having a pretty horrible start to the morning but it did get semi-resolved because of a very clear directive I was given. But I assume the overwhelming sadness got to me and I remember it being hard to move past what had happened even though technically I did somewhat complete something that needed to be done. It can be really difficult surrounded by extremely aware and competent individuals when it feels like my head is in the clouds a lot the time. Just daydreaming about a better life.

I think past lunchtime things did get a little better and I did get some maths revision in, which I have a lot more to do off. I have only barely managed to be slightly less than average holiday-productive. I also did virtually catch up with a friend who I’d annoyed a few days ago and didn’t realise it until the end of our original interaction. But yes, I think following that I have annoyed this friend once again – please refer to the second paragraph – pretty soon after this virtual catch up. I think I’m back to being hated again (EDIT: maybe, this is a TBD).

But all this made me realise how fickle things can be, which I did know of already what with a not so stellar university track record, but when it starts effecting all the different parts of your life … that’s when things get really bad and generally out of control. It just hit me why I’ve historically kept all my friends at such arms’ length constantly and when you get close it really brings out the truer parts of your personality – some of which aren’t the prettiest. It’s so hard to grow up live/in real-time when you don’t see the world or when everything feels so alien. I have no clue where to go from here, I reckon autopilot seems like my most viable option right now, which is quite similar to how I’ve actually been dealing with university. Just get stuff done and move onto the next thing… with an added dose of present-ness.

-yoshimonster-

[yoshimonster]

Blog Post #2: The One with Eras Tour

Today has been a rollercoaster of emotions … so like quite a lot of other days in life I suppose. I had a moderately productive day as I hung out with my friends today and unfortunately spent quite a lot of money which I am going to later regret. My other friend and I kind of came up with a plan to cheer up one of our mutuals because of a lot of stuff that had gone down during exam week. It was actually pretty petty drama and I’m pretty happy that I wasn’t really involved in it – I honestly couldn’t think of anything besides the circuit exam I had. And in other news two things are happening next week Wednesday which I am extremely nervous about: 1) my university exam grades are coming out which honestly is the priority but also 2) Taylor Swift Eras’ Tour tickets are also releasing at 10am which is one hour after my exam grades release – um I predict that will also be another rollercoaster of emotions day.

The main reason why today was a rollercoaster was because of the whole Taylor Swift thing naturally. Unfortunately my city does not have any tickets, so I have to travel quite a fair bit to get to the nearest show and it’s going to be a bloodbath. Both locals and outsiders (like me) are going to be fighting tooth and nail for these very limited edition expensive tickets, along with hotels, food, travel etc. It’s going to be a lot.

Naturally the topic came to money. Because I’m still an unqualified person with very questionable academic background, things aren’t looking that great and my old part time job has basically turned into a non-existent situation because of a really unfortunate incident. This kind of means I’m looking for a new job more in my field, but as expected it’s quite competitive with many people applying for it that have better track record than me. I’m going to keep trying though and try my very hardest not to give up hope! But yes, this all turned into a semi-argument between my parents and me – I’m sure we’ll go for round 2 tomorrow. Another sad fact, my sibling is also looking forward to this show and is fairly more organised than me so that’s also another fun barrier to break through.

Though this hurdle was to be expected, I actually didn’t expect the tour dates for my area to be announced so quickly. But I will leave you with some good news, one of my friends does want to go and has gotten permission so that’s a huge win! I think I naively assumed that I had more breathing time to sort out my life aka grades next week before this classic drop. It’s going to be happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time. I can’t wait. The nerves continue to build up day by day. Only 6 more to go.

-yoshimonster-

[yoshimonster]

Blog Post #1: The Days Following Exams

It’s over.

It actually has been over for a few days now (by ‘it’ I mean exams) and I’ve just been pretty lazy in getting this idea out finally. I’m thinking of starting a blog essentially detailing my life – specifically my university life and hope I can remain with it. I remember trying to start one quite a while ago but definitely psyched myself out and couldn’t continue on with it. I also wanted to begin my first blog with something extremely dramatic and eye-catching like the first sentence here, but alas; we can only go up from here right?

So the past few days have been really hectic, I actually celebrated my Dad’s 50th birthday which was a *mission* along with one of my friend’s not-so-secret surprise 22nd birthday, which in classic fashion I was just on time to (read: almost too late). Both events were pretty fun and I definitely underestimated the scope my parents’ would go to despite literally being there for the whole planning process and rallying a middle-aged crowd for 4 hours straight. It’s never real until the day it happens!

My friend’s birthday was pretty fun and actually a little tough to attend considering I had just had a pretty intense social session the day before. But nevertheless, I didn’t realise how badly I missed social interaction amongst my friend group until the day – messages just don’t hit the same. Besides that, I was also able to catch up to inevitable friend drama and face old demons that I had put to rest/on hold for the duration of exams. It was a pretty interesting experience and you seriously don’t know how escalated things can get until you come face-to-face with them again. Confrontation is such a double edged sword, which I’ve historically tried to avoid, but as I get older I realise I typically have to just face the music a lot of the time. I do think me overcompensating a lot of time has helped somewhat though, and I was able to maintain a pretty happy environment and enjoy the party. This whole part sounds extremely cryptic, I do hope it makes some semblance of sense – essentially I was mediating a situation which would’ve given me short-term happiness but naturally no long-term satisfaction. So … that’s really a bummer for a YouTube shorts obsessed Gen Z person.

Other than this, not much has happened – it’s been a pretty wild ride and I was actually able to feel much more at peace. I am actually pretty nervous about one of the exams I gave though, so actually am revising for it before grades release (which is 8 days oh goodness). These will actually determine my fate, similar to every other semester before that for quite a while. I think that these past 2 years especially have taught me so much about life that I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to learn otherwise. Hoping for the best?

-yoshimonster-