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dreamescapeswriting · 2 months ago

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Stray Kids Reaction || You're Exhausted From Work

‧₊˚ ☽ ⋅Copyright: © DreamEscapesWriting - October 2024

‧₊˚ ☽ ⋅MASTERLIST

CHAN:

You step into the apartment, the weight of the day hanging on your shoulders, all you wanted to do was crawl into bed and cry but you'd forgotten Chan was over tonight. You try to hide your bad day with a smile, but Chan immediately sees through it - he could read you like a book and he shook his head at you. He watches you silently for a moment, his brow furrowing as he notices the faint tremble in your hands when you reach for your phone.

“How was work?” he asks softly, already bracing himself for what he knows is coming. You sat beside him on the sofa and cuddle into him. You shrug, not wanting to burden him with everything that was going on at work.

“Same old. You know, nothing new.” But Chan wasn't dumb, he knew you better than he knew you and he sighs a little. He shifts closer to you, his arm slipping around your waist, pulling you into his warmth.

“Babe, what happened today?” You sigh, trying to downplay it as you shake your head, trying your best not to cry in front of him.

“It’s just... a couple of my coworkers. They’re always talking behind my back or making these snide comments. It’s annoying, but I’ll deal with it.” The casual tone you try to force doesn’t fool him either and his grip around you tightens slightly, his thumb stroking comforting circles on your side.

“You shouldn’t have to deal with that,” he murmurs, his voice steady but laced with concern. “That’s not how it’s supposed to be. I don’t like the way they’re treating you." You shake your head, brushing it off as though it was nothing.

“It’s fine, Chan. I mean, every workplace has issues. I just need to be tougher.” His jaw clenches, and you can see him holding back the frustration bubbling up. He doesn’t want to push too hard, but he also hates seeing you like this.

“Maybe, but this isn’t just a one-off thing. This keeps happening. You're always coming home upset or exhausted every other day, and it’s starting to affect you, whether you see it or not.” You glance at him, surprised by the firmness in his voice. His usual soft demeanour is still there, but there’s a certain intensity in his eyes now.

“I know you don’t want to quit, and I get that it’s hard to leave a job. But I need you to understand that this isn’t okay. No one should make you feel small or worthless—especially not at work.” You lower your head, fiddling with the hem of your shirt, unsure of how to respond. Part of you knows he’s right, but there’s another part that feels like quitting would be giving up. You'd worked hard to get where you were in your job and you didn't exactly feel like throwing it all away.

Sensing your hesitance, Chan squeezes your hand and speaks up again, his voice softening.

“Look, I’m not saying you have to make a decision right now. But I’ve been watching how this is affecting you for weeks, and it’s killing me to see you go through this.” He gently tilts your chin up, making sure your eyes meet his, your stomach twisting as you looked him in the eyes. You knew he was doing this because he loved you.

“I love you, and I just want to see you happy and treated the way you deserve to be. This job isn’t worth the toll it’s taking on you.” Letting out a shaky breath you nodded at him, tears threatening to form in your eyes.

“But what if I can’t find something else?” Chan pulls you even closer, his forehead resting against yours, holding you close to him. There was no way he was going to let you back out of quitting.

“You will. And even if it takes a little time, I’ll be here with you every step of the way. You’re incredible, and I know you’ll find something so much better than this toxic place.” You close your eyes, feeling the weight of his words sink in. He’s not just asking you to quit—he’s asking you to take care of yourself and you snuggled into him a little.

“Please, for me? I don’t want to see you like this anymore,” he whispers, his voice breaking slightly.

"I'll think about it," You whispered to him, sighing a little before he pulled you into his lap, promising you that you'd figure it out together.

MINHO:

You slam your bag down onto the kitchen counter, trying to keep your frustration in check, but the scowl on your face gives it away immediately. Minho, who’s lounging on the couch with his phone in hand, glances up. He doesn’t say anything at first, just watches you quietly. You start putting away groceries with more force than necessary, your movements sharp and tense. Minho finally breaks the silence and raises an eyebrow at you.

“Rough day?” You scoff, not bothering to hide your irritation. The two of you were an open book to one another and rarely hid how shit your day had been.

“You could say that.” He sits up, raising an eyebrow. He knew your workplace was giving you a hard time lately and he could see how frequently it had been becoming.

“What happened this time?” You hesitate, not wanting to get into it, but the words spill out before you can stop them. It was like you'd been waiting all day to finally let everything off your chest.

“It’s just... these people at work. They’re so passive-aggressive, and no one says anything to their faces. It’s like this unspoken thing where they gang up on whoever’s an easy target that day. And today? It was me.” You grumble harshly. Minho’s expression darkens, but he stays quiet as you rant, letting you get it all out since you clearly need it.

“I tried to ignore it, but it was constant—little comments, gossip, trying to make me look bad in front of the boss. It’s ridiculous! And the worst part is, everyone just acts like it’s normal.” You throw your hands up in frustration. “Like, am I supposed to just suck it up and carry on like nothing happened!?” Minho’s eyes narrow, and when he speaks, his voice is calm but laced with a sharp edge.

“So, they’re getting away with treating you like crap. And you’re just... letting them?” You freeze at his words, blinking in surprise. It wasn't like you wanted to be a human doormat.

“What else am I supposed to do, Minho? It’s not like I can just leave.”

He stands up, crossing the room toward you, his gaze never leaving your face.

“Why not?” You open your mouth to respond, but no words come out. He’s staring at you with that serious, unreadable look, the one that means he’s not going to let this go. Was he right? Could you just walk out?

“I get it. You think you need to tough it out, like somehow putting up with their nonsense makes you stronger. But it doesn’t. All it’s doing is making you miserable,” Minho says, his voice low but firm. “And you’re letting them win.” Your hands fall to your sides as the tension in your body starts to drain, replaced by confusion.

“I’m not letting them win—”

“Yes, you are.” Minho steps closer, his tone blunt but not unkind. You knew he was doing this for your own good and he was always blunt like this,

“By staying, by putting up with this crap, you’re letting them think it’s okay to treat you like that. And it’s not.” You chew on your bottom lip, trying to think of a way to argue back, but his words hit harder than you expected. He’s right, and deep down, you know it.

“I can’t just walk away from my job, Minho. It’s not that simple,” you say, your voice wavering. Minho tilts his head, his eyes softening just a little.

“I know it’s not simple. But what’s worse? Staying in a place where you’re treated like trash every day, or walking away with your dignity intact?” As soon as his words sunk in your tears began to fall and he looked at you,

“Look, you’re strong, baby. Stronger than any of those people will ever be. But that doesn’t mean you have to endure their garbage to prove it. There are better places—places that won’t tear you down like this.”

"What if I can't even find something else?" You sniffle a little and Minho squeezes your hand, pulling you into his chest, his voice softening. He hated seeing you so down about all of this when he didn't have all the answers you needed.

“You will. You’re too talented not to. And even if it takes some time, you’ve got me. I’ll be with you through all of it, I'll support you through everything.” He reassured you and you turned into his arms, cuddling closer.

“But what if things get better at work?” you ask, though your voice is small, lacking conviction. You knew deep down that it wasn't going to get better, that it would more than likely get worse. Minho scoffed at you and stroked your back,

“You’ve been telling me the same story for months now. Do you really think it’s going to change?”

"Min-"

“You deserve better than this,” he says quietly, his chin resting on the top of your head. “I don’t want you coming home every night like this. Tired. Hurt. You think it’s no big deal, but I see it. It’s eating at you.” His voice drops lower, more serious now, you nodded weakly and he continued one.

“Don’t make me go down there and handle it myself, because I swear—”

“You wouldn’t.” Minho raises an eyebrow and smirks down at you.

“Try me.” You knew better than to try him on something and you nod, promising to talk to your boss on your next shift,

CHANGBIN:

You drag yourself through the front door, your shoulders sagging with exhaustion, and drop your bag on the floor. Changbin looks up from his laptop, immediately noticing the slump in your posture and the frown you’re trying to hide. He watches you for a few moments as you kick off your shoes and head straight for the kitchen, barely acknowledging him.

“Hey,” he calls out gently, standing up from the couch and walking toward you. “Everything okay?” You nod quickly, hoping to brush it off and climb into the bath you were planning on relaxing in all evening.

“Yeah, just a long day. Nothing new.” Changbin shook his head, he knew better than anyone how much shit your job was giving you. He follows you into the kitchen, leaning against the counter as you open the fridge, staring blankly at the contents.

“You sure about that? You look like you’ve been through the wringer.” You sigh, closing the fridge door with a little more force than necessary, unable to meet his eyes.

“It’s just the same people at work being annoying again. No big deal.”

Changbin frowns, sensing that you’re downplaying it. The last time you'd come home from work you'd been inconsolable for hours and he'd had to bribe you with food to talk.

“What did they do this time?” You knew you weren't supposed to keep anything from him and you didn't want to.

“They’re just... rude. It’s like they purposely go out of their way to make things harder for me. Talking behind my back, blaming me for things that aren’t my fault. And if I try to stand up for myself, it’s even worse.” Your voice cracks a little at the end, and you curse yourself for letting it show. You prided yourself on never letting your job get to you but lately, it was getting harder and harder to deal with. Changbin’s jaw tightened, and his arms crossed over his chest.

“That’s not okay. Why didn’t you tell me it was getting this bad?”

“I can handle it. It’s just... it’s work, you know? I have to deal with it.” You shrugged a little, wiping your cheeks from the tears, but Changbin wasn't buying it. His eyes narrow, and you can see the frustration building.

“Deal with it? You shouldn’t have to deal with it. No one should be treating you like that, especially at work. You're there to work, you should be treated with respect,”

“I know, but what am I supposed to do, Changbin? Quit? Walk out and never look back? I can’t do that.” He moves closer, his expression softening just a little, but his voice still firm.

“Why not? Is it really worth staying somewhere that treats you like garbage? Just last week you told me someone trashed your office.” You open your mouth to argue, but nothing comes out. His question lingers in the air, and you suddenly realize you don’t have a good answer.

“You’re coming home miserable almost every day. You’re tired, you’re frustrated, and it’s affecting you. You think I don’t notice, but I do. I hate seeing you like this.” He squeezed your hand a little, he didn't want you to feel like he was ganging up on you either but he'd noticed everything it was doing to you.

“I just... I don’t know what else to do,” you admit, feeling the weight of the situation pressing down on you.

“I know it’s hard to walk away, but you deserve better than this. You’re letting them drag you down and you don't deserve that, baby." You look up at him, the tears threatening to spill over as the frustration and helplessness hit you all at once.

"What if I leave and it’s even worse somewhere else? What if I can't find anything else and I'm stuck jobless?” Changbin shakes his head, his voice resolute.

“No. You’re not going to end up somewhere worse because you’re better than this. You'll find somewhere to go where they treat you like the human being you are.”

"but-"

"And if you can't find something, I will support us in the meantime...You know it's always been an option," He reminds you, kissing the side of your head as you sighed a little and nodded.

"I'll speak to my boss tomorrow." You whisper, laying your head on his chest as he softly stroked your back.

HYUNJIN:

After the day from hell, you walk into the apartment, trying to keep your expression neutral, but Hyunjin immediately picks up on the tension radiating off of you. He’s sitting at the dining table, sketchbook in hand, but his attention shifts entirely to you the second you come in.

“Hey,” he says softly, closing his sketchbook and setting it aside. “Rough day?” You force a smile, waving him off as you toss your keys onto the table, looking at the bowl of fruit he was sketching.

“Just work stuff. Nothing new.” You smile weakly but he watches you carefully as you shuffle around the kitchen, pretending to be fine. He knew you better than that. He could sense it, your shoulders were slumped and you moved lazily around the room.

“Come here for a second,” he calls out, his voice gentle but firm. You swallowed the lump in your throat, looking at him from the corner of your eye, but eventually walked over to where he was sitting. The moment you’re close enough, he grabs your hand and pulls you onto his lap, his arms wrapping around you protectively.

“Talk to me,” he murmurs, his voice low and comforting. “What happened today?” You knew he was referring to the week before when you'd broken down and told him how awful your job was.

“It’s just... the same people at work. They were being extra rude today, and I just—I don’t know. It’s frustrating, but I’ll deal with it.” Hyunjin frowns, his grip tightening slightly around your waist.

“You always say that. That you’ll deal with it. But you keep coming home like this, and it’s starting to worry me. Do I need to come down there?” He asked with a smirk, trying to earn a smile from you but you just sighed, leaning your head against his shoulder.

“I just don’t want to make a big deal out of it. Everyone deals with difficult coworkers, right?” Hyunjin’s brows knit together in frustration.

“Yeah, but not everyone deals with being treated like this constantly. You don’t deserve it, and I hate that you think it’s just part of the job.” He pulls back slightly so he can look into your eyes, his gaze intense.

“Why are you putting up with this? You shouldn’t have to. This place is draining you, and it’s not okay.”

"It's not like I can quit, I don't have another job waiting for me. I don't want to be weak and quit," You grumble a little and his expression softens, and he cups your face gently in his hands, brushing a thumb over your cheek.

“You’re not weak for leaving a place that’s toxic. You’re strong for knowing when to prioritize yourself, your mental health matters baby.” You look away, still not entirely convinced.

“But what if it’s like this everywhere? What if I leave and end up in another job that’s just as bad? What if I leave and my next boss calls my old boss?” Hyunjin let out a soft sigh, resting his forehead against yours, he knew there was nothing he could do to reassure you but he was going to do his best to try.

“I can’t promise that everything will be perfect if you leave. But I can promise that staying in a place that’s treating you like this will only keep hurting you. You'll be pushed and pushed until you snap. And I don’t want that for you.” You knew he was right, you knew in your heart that all of this was going to be bad in the long run. You’ve been telling yourself that things would get better, but they haven’t. If anything, they’ve only gotten worse.

“I just... I feel like I’m stuck,” you admit quietly, the vulnerability in your voice breaking Hyunjin’s heart.

“You’re not stuck. You’re strong enough to walk away from things that aren’t good for you. And you don’t have to do it alone. I’ll be here, every step of the way.”

"Promise?" You whispered, glancing up at him as he nodded at you. His eyes scanned yours and he could see some of the weight lift from you.

JISUNG:

The second the door clicks shut behind you, Jisung’s head pops up from the couch, his smile immediately faltering when he sees the exhausted look on your face. You'd clearly had another bad day at work,

“Hey,” he calls softly, concern already creeping into his voice.

"Shitty day?" He asked as you nodded and forced a smile onto your face. You threw your bag down into a chair and fell onto the sofa,

"you could say that again," you grumbled at him,

“What happened this time? Was it that bitch in accounting? Shanny? I can go down there if you want,” he smirked at you but you shook your head at him. You'd told Jisung all of the things that had been happening but clearly, it was worse.

“Just the same bullshit just a different day. Nothing new." Jisung frowns, his brows knitting together.

“Nothing new, huh? You’ve been saying that a lot lately.” You sigh at him and cuddle into the sofa cushions,

“I don’t know what you want me to say. It’s just work. Everyone deals with difficult people.” Jisung stared at you,

"Sure, difficult people but this isn't the same baby. You're dealing with bullshit that shouldn't even be at your fucking workplace. You told me Shanny was spreading lies,"

"Yeah but-"

"No buts, baby. No one should have to deal with the stuff you’re going through. It’s been months of this, and I can see how much it’s wearing you down.” You stay silent, not wanting to admit how right he is. The constant microaggressions, the gossip, the passive-aggressive comments—it’s all become routine, something you’ve convinced yourself you just have to endure.

“You don’t have to act like it’s okay, you know? It’s not. It’s not okay for them to treat you like that. You should say something or leave.” you knew saying something would get you nowhere, the boss was worse.

“I can handle it,” you mumble, almost more to convince yourself than him. Jisung shook his head at you,

"I have no doubt you can, baby. But my point is that you shouldn't have to handle it. You shouldn't be coming home every single day stressed or getting upset every day you have to go to work." He looks at you

"Anyone with eyes can see this job is ripping you apart," You look up at him, your eyes meeting his, and for the first time, you realize how much this has been affecting him, too. He’s always there, always comforting, but you can see the worry etched into his expression.

“I don’t know what else to do, Jisung,” you admit quietly, tears rolling down your face as you finally let everything out.

"You're quitting, you're going to find something else." He told you sternly.

"What if there's nothing out there?" Jisung’s eyes soften, his hands cupping your face gently.

“I know you’re scared, unemployment is scary but baby...I'm not going to sit here and let you get treated like this. I don't give a shit if it takes you a week or years to find your next job, you're not going back there." He told you and you chewed on your bottom lip,

"What if I regret leaving?"

"You won't. But I know for a fact you'll regret it if you stay." He looked at you,

"Take some holiday days...take some day...but baby there's no way I'm letting you go back to work there full time." He wasn't the type to tell you what to do or control you but this job was hell, anyone could see it.

"You mean it right...You'll support me?"

"With everything inside of me," He promised.

FELIX:

As soon as you'd walked in earlier that night Felix knew something was off but you'd gone straight for a shower without even greeting him until now.

"Hi," You mumble a little as you join him in the living room, looking forward to a night of gaming on the sofa with him but he sets the controller aside instantly.

"Long day?” he questioned, opening his arms for you as you crawled into them.

“You could say that.” Felix’s brow furrows and he stroked your back softly. He knew something was bothering you about work but you'd refused to talk to him about it,

“What happened?” he asks softly, you knew you weren't gonna hide it from him for long and you let out a small sigh, not really in the mood to talk about it, but knowing Felix won’t let it go until you do.

“The same as usual. Just people at work being... difficult.”

“You’ve been saying that for weeks but you're not actually telling me what's going on.” He reminded you but you shrugged it off,

"It’s nothing I can’t handle. Everyone deals with this stuff at work.” He sighs, his voice dropping to a softer, more concerned tone.

“Every day I watch you drag yourself out of bed and force yourself to go...You’re not supposed to dread going to work.” His eyes are filled with worry, the deep brown of his gaze searching your face for answers.

“Is it really bad?” You let out a long breath, your defences starting to crumble under his gentle persistence.

“It’s... it’s exhausting...a-awful... They’re always talking behind my back, making me feel like nothing I do is good enough. Last week we held a small party for Martha's birthday and it was like I couldn't have done a single thing right for anyone there...It’s like I can’t win no matter what I do.”

"That’s not okay, love. You shouldn’t have to deal with that kind of treatment. They’re bullying you, and you don’t deserve it.”

“But I can’t just quit. I need the job. What am I supposed to do, Felix? Walk away and hope something better comes along? Or sit and mooch off you because you're working in the idol business?” You rolled your eyes, you hated that idea but he pulled you into his arms, holding you close as he rested his chin on your head. His voice is soft but firm, a mix of comfort and seriousness.

“Yes. Because you deserve better than this, I'm not saying mooch off me but taking some time away...finding something better suited for you is better than staying in that shit hole.” You smiled softly at the thought of finally leaving a place that made you want to cry every single day,

“I just want you to be happy, love. And if leaving is what it takes for you to find that happiness again, then I’ll support you every step of the way.” You sniffled a little, nodding your head at him.

"I'll put in my notice and take two weeks off from the holidays they owe me," You smirked at the thought, having confidence from Felix to be able to leave somewhere bad for you.

SEUNGMIN:

"I ordered your favourite takeout and-" Seungmin stopped himself as you

tossed your bag onto the floor with a sigh before looking like you were ready to rip your hair out. He takes one look at your face and immediately knows something’s wrong.

“Bad day?” He asks with a small smile and you scoff at him,

"Understatement of the year," you huffed, dropping down onto the kitchen chair beside him and he stared at you, reaching out he slowly stroked your back,

"You wanna talk about it?" He knew there were bad days at work but lately, it seemed all of your days were bad when it came to that place.

“Same shit different day," Was all you said before he stared at you,

"What happened this time?” You smiled weakly at the thought of him knowing it was something going on,

“Just the usual,” you mutter. “People talking behind my back, making me feel like I can’t do anything right. Reporting shit to the boss that I didn't even do by the way. Telling him I was mishandling customers when I wasn't it was somebody else, but who gives a shit? Not my boss because he didn't even care to do a proper investigation just took Karen's fucking word for it,” You rambled off in almost one breath and Seungmin’s brow furrows, his lips pressing into a thin line.

“That’s not just the usual. That’s harassment.” You turn to face him, leaning against the table on your elbows.

“I don’t know... Maybe I’m overreacting. Everyone has to deal with annoying coworkers at some point, right? You had shit at work...” Seungmin shook his head at you,

"Annoying coworkers are one thing, baby. But if they’re making you feel like this every single day, it’s not normal. Your boss should have done a proper job too.” You sigh, rubbing your temples and shaking your head, You were probably being dramatic, you had the weekend off you could focus for a while,

“I can handle it. I just need to push through.” Seungmin squeezed your thigh under the table,

“Why are you so determined to stay in a place that’s treating you like this? It’s wearing you down, and I can see it...You shouldn't have to deal with this shit,"

"What should I do? Quit?" You joked but you could see the serious expression on your boyfriend's face,

"I mean...why not?" He questioned and you looked away,

“It’s not that simple...” you mumbled a little,

“I know it’s not simple. But you’re coming home every day looking more and more exhausted. This place is toxic, and it’s not getting better.” You knew he was right,

"But quitting? That's the coward's way out-"

"Don't you dare! You quitting that job would be best for your mental health. Do you know how hard it is to watch you go to work every day? I watch you force yourself into the car on the verge of tears and watch you come home even worse." he stroked your back softly and you blinked the tears away.

"True, but it might get better...K-Karen is leaving soon and-"

"And they'll replace her with someone the same...or worse. You know it and I know it, baby." He sighed and you looked down at your hands,

"What if I'm not good enough for anything else?" You whispered, your insecurities getting the better of you,

"I know for a fact you can do whatever you put your mind to, princess," he whispered and kissed your cheek softly.

"We'll look over the weekend okay? A new job...new place, we'll find something." He promised you.

JEONGIN:

“Hey, you’re home!” Jeongin says cheerfully, pushing himself up to sit properly. But his smile falters when he notices your tired expression, your slouched posture. It was clear you'd had an awful day and he felt his stomach sink,

“You okay?” You offer a small nod, but Jeongin isn’t convinced. You looked like you were about to burst into tears at any given second,

“Yeah, just... work.” He watches you closely, his eyes narrowing slightly as you drop your bag on the floor and head toward the kitchen.

“Just work? You’ve been saying that a lot lately.” He stated as he got up from the sofa and made his way over to you.

“It’s nothing, Innie. I Can handle it. Just some annoying people at the office. You know how it is.” Jeongin bites his lip, his brow furrowing as he stands up and follows you.

“Yeah, but it’s been weeks of this, hasn’t it? Every time you come home, you look... drained...You say it's just work but you're losing yourself...” You shake your head, trying to brush it off.

“It’s fine. Everyone has to deal with difficult people at work, and everyone goes home and fixes it alone”

"Sure...but not everyone deals with someone who belittles them every chance they get...Your boss treats you like a fucking maid and his personal assistant," You looked down at your hands

“I can deal with it, Jeongin. It’s just part of the job.” Jeongin scoffs at you and He doesn’t look convinced, his arms still crossed tightly over his chest.

“But why should you have to? Why should you keep dealing with a place that’s making you so unhappy?”

"This is the job of my dreams, Innie."

"Sure. If you were doing what you were told the job was but you're not. That arsehole is making you work as his assistant instead of the job you applied for,"

"I have to work my way up,"

"You've said that for years yet men he's hiring are working their way above you faster," You knew he was right. Your boss was a misogynistic dick who would only hire you because HR was breathing down his neck.

"This job is killing you,"

"but what if I can't find anything else..." You whispered, trailing off as you glanced up at Jeongin,

“You won’t know until you try. And even if it’s hard, I’ll be right here with you, okay? We’ll figure it out together.” He pulls you into a gentle hug, his arms wrapping around you as if he’s trying to shield you from all the worries and doubts weighing you down. His voice is quiet but firm as he whispers into your hair,

“You don’t have to do this by yourself. I’ll be here, whatever you decide.” You nod and close your eyes, enjoying the feeling of being close to him after the shitty day you'd had and you sigh a little.

"I'll think on it."

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hyunjinners · 3 months ago

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✧:･ﾟ Stray Kids react → you declaring yourself to them ˚₊· ꒰🌿꒱

꒰ 命 𝐒𝐔𝐌𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐘 ꒱┊ members' reaction when you declare yourself to them.

꒰ 命 𝐏𝐀𝐈𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆 ꒱┊ot8¡ x non/idol!fem¡reader

꒰ 命 𝐆𝐄𝐍𝐑𝐄 ꒱┊cute, comfort, friends to lovers.

꒰ 命 𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒 ꒱┊none, just cute stray kids stuff.

꒰ 命 𝐖.𝐂 ꒱┊4,1k

꒰ 命 𝐀/𝐍 ꒱┊I'm really addicted to writing skz compilations ;) In some parts the reader is not an idol, I ended up getting excited and forgot about the plot haha remembering that English is not my first language! I apologize in advance if there are any spelling and/or grammatical errors. Enjoy reading - feedback is appreciated. ^-^

⊹₊˚ʚ❛masterlist❜ɞ

ᥫ᭡ ˖ 𖥔 𝐁𝐀𝐍𝐆 𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐍 ... 𖥔

・✦ You became trainees at the same time and that's when you met and got closer.

・✦ He would sneak food in for you, given the strict diet the company forced you to follow, and you couldn't be more grateful to him.

・✦ the care and zeal he has for you captivated you and strengthened your relationship even after both of your debuts.

・✦ You debuted solo and he couldn't be more proud, always supporting you even when he was busy with the group's busy schedule.

・✦ Some time after your great success as a solo artist, some acquaintances from high school attacked you on social media, creating a situation claiming that you were bullying some of them.

・✦ You got really upset with all the hate and false claims and it all got worse when the company forced you to go on hiatus.

・✦ Chan, being the cutest and most understanding person you knew, was by your side comforting you and whispering comforting words in your ear while wrapping you in a hug.

・✦ Perhaps because of the heat of the moment or adrenaline, you unconsciously let out the three most comforting and perhaps feared words for many people.

・✦ He was in shock for a few seconds and his breathing hitched when he felt the caress he was giving his head stop.

・✦ He pushed you away and looked into your eyes to see if he had heard correctly, still in disbelief about the words he had previously said and even more shocked about his future ones.

・✦ "I have always loved you. I can't hide my feelings that I have felt for so long. You have always been by my side and I never had the opportunity to be clear with you, so… thank you. For supporting me and for everything you've done for me in general."

・✦ After his sincerity it was her turn to be shocked when she felt his soft lips join hers.

・✦ he loved you too.

❪ ε ї з ❫

ᥫ᭡ ˖ 𖥔 𝐋𝐄𝐄 𝐊𝐍𝐎𝐖 ... 𖥔

・✦ You are childhood best friends where you have established an intimate and somewhat fun relationship. You have always teased each other a little but clearly with affection - even if it doesn't seem like it.

・✦ You debuted a year after him, following him closely and both supporting each other in moments of so much pressure.

・✦ It all happened when you were backstage at the first Stray Kids awards. You were in the front row to see up close the achievement of the boys who were still so young and evolving so quickly.

・✦ When it was all over, you didn't even wait for him to move away from the boys to jump into his arms. He held you, a sweet laugh escaping his lips at the feeling of ecstasy and happiness.

・✦ you hugged him tightly and pulled away, looking at him with a sincere smile and a loving sparkle in your eyes, your heart almost jumping out of your chest with pride.

・✦ "I'm so proud of you I could kiss you!" He looked at you in shock, a playful smile on his lips. "What did you say?" "Minho, just-" he came dangerously close and whispered close to her face, his warm breath making her stomach feel strange. "You can."

・✦ Adrenaline took over you and before you knew it you were kissing your childhood best friend deeply and passionately.

・✦ You didn't know what your relationship would be like from now on, but you were sure it was worth a try.

❪ ε ї з ❫

ᥫ᭡ ˖ 𖥔 𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐍𝐆𝐁𝐈𝐍 ... 𖥔

・✦ You met through your parents who had a professional partnership that sparked a friendship, consequently causing Changbin and you to get together.

・✦ You are two years younger than him, so when you both decided to become idols together, he ended up entering first - at your parents' request.

・✦ You were from different companies, but that didn't divide you, in fact it helped to avoid future possible rumors.

・✦ you would constantly visit each other in the dorms for movie nights or go out really late, going to the nearest convenience store to try different flavors of ramen while telling each other about their day.

・✦ you constantly helped each other with health issues, always asking each other about food and if they were keeping up with an exercise routine, where he convinced her to train with him and he wouldn't accept any other answer than yes.

・✦ But the time you enjoyed spending together the most was during your free time, when you could visit your parents together.

・✦ On one of those occasions, you were responsible for taking care of your younger sister while your parents were away and he accepted the task along with you.

・✦ She is small but very energetic, so it was a somewhat complicated task. Changbin had a way with kids, so he had some super cute moments with her, making you wonder if your sister liked you or him more.

・✦ You were cutting fruit on the kitchen counter while watching Changbin play with the girl.

・✦ Smiling, you take the bowls of fruit into the living room as you sit down next to them. You let out a laugh when you see your sister snort at having to move away from Changbin to eat.

・✦ "You have a way with kids. I think you'll be a good father." You whisper softly next to Changbin, who almost choked on the comment. He looks at you perplexed with an unconscious smile on his face.

・✦ "do you think? I mean, I really like kids, so…" He looks dreamily at his sister and you can't ignore the butterflies in your stomach that insist on appearing whenever you're around him.

・✦ "I'm sure your future wife will be very lucky. You are handsome, affectionate, intelligent, funny... I bet she'll love it so much." You laugh, biting into your fruit, not realizing the effect you had on Changbin.

・✦ "What- what did you say?" You're both silent for a while as you ponder your response. Sighing, you slowly observe his reaction, "Honestly?... I would like to be that future wife. I like you, Changbin. I don't think I was lying when I said I would love you very much." He coughs, choking on a piece of apple. You despair, helping him to choke. With wide eyes in surprise, he holds your shoulders and looks you straight in the eyes.

・✦ "You're kidding, aren't you?"

・✦ "... No, I'm not, Changbin. I really like you." He leaned over and wrapped her in a hug, his sister just staring blankly.

・✦ He also dreams of having children with you.

❪ ε ї з ❫

ᥫ᭡ ˖ 𖥔 𝐇𝐘𝐔𝐍𝐉𝐈𝐍 ... 𖥔

・✦ you meet when you bump into each other at a cafe near his company.

・✦ He had just debuted as an idol, so he wasn't that well-known on the street yet, but you recognized him.

・✦ You were the first person who recognized him and he was very happy that the first fan who recognized him was a girl as beautiful as you.

・✦ It turned out that you often showed up at this cafe to study to get into college and he ended up becoming friends with you.

・✦ he felt like you were an angel sent by destiny to be his lifeline, supporting him in everything he did and always giving the best advice for his own good, as well as being present in both the happiest and most difficult moments of his life.

・✦ he didn't know how to express his enormous gratitude, so he just reciprocated the actions by being with you in the time of pressure before and during college, celebrating your entry with you and always taking you out to distract your mind whenever he could.

・✦ and things changed between you during one of these walks. There was a flower festival that happened once a year that you were extremely excited to go to. You planned the trip for weeks and he couldn't say no.

・✦ The festival went on from afternoon to night, so you were able to watch the sunset together amidst the lilies he insisted on giving you as a gift.

・✦ you rested your head on his shoulder as you sat on a wooden bench in a place that allowed a beautiful view of the horizon.

・✦ "I wish time would stop right here, I wish I could stay with you like this forever." Hyunjin felt his ears heat up, petting his hair in response. "Me too. It was an amazing day, yes."

・✦ you stared at him deeply and he looked back, trying to read your expression. Immersed in desire and passion, you hold the back of his neck, leaning in for a soft kiss, your lips barely touching as you touch him.

・✦ perplexed, he widened his eyes, still a little scared, but returning the kiss in a more intense way, his hands unconsciously going towards her waist.

・✦ pulling away with your lips parted from the lack of air, you rest your forehead against his, a happy laugh leaving your lips.

・✦ "I'm glad you didn't push me" Still a little disoriented, Hyunjin laughs at your silly comment, longing for more of your lips on his.

・✦ "never." He leans in again, captivating her lips affectionately.

❪ ε ї з ❫

ᥫ᭡ ˖ 𖥔 𝐉𝐈𝐒𝐔𝐍𝐆 ... 𖥔

・✦ the way they met was actually a bit chaotic. You were running through the company's corridors, late again for another rehearsal, when you bumped into Jisung, spilling the coffee he had in his hands all over herself.

・✦ He became desperate, apologizing as if it was all his fault for not looking forward. In the midst of despair, you could only laugh and without understanding anything he accompanied you laughing, even though he had a desperate look on his face, thinking you wanted to kill him.

・✦ The following week he came to you with a new sweatshirt in hand and you were enchanted by how sweet and thoughtful he was. In return, you bought the coffee that spilled from his hands with a cute note apologizing and thanking him for the sweatshirt.

・✦ After that, your friendship began with the ritual of buying each other coffee with a cute note asking about their day or a motivational phrase.

・✦ During a Stray Kids performance, you were in the front row happily cheering for the group's next achievement. When the performance was over, you gave them a standing ovation and didn't miss the wink Jisung threw your way, making you smile.

・✦ Three days later you were surprised when the media linked Jisung to you, making thousands of theories about both of you being together. You were heavily criticized and received a lot of hate from people who claimed to be "stays", causing you to step away for a short period of time.

・✦ a week later, Jisung was in front of your apartment and when you realized it you were already crying in his arms on the couch in your apartment.

・✦ he kisses the top of your head, speaking comforting words into your ear. You sighed tiredly, stood up and wiped your tears, staring at him for a few seconds before speaking.

・✦ "... I just don't understand." Her voice was almost a whisper and he listened intently to every word that came out of her mouth. "Would it be so bad if we were dating? What have I done to these people?" You bring your hands to your eyes, sobbing once more. He wraps his arms around her again, resting his chin on her head.

・✦ "They don't understand. And don't worry, it's not like we have anything to hide."

・✦ "what if we did?" You whispered, your words hanging in the air as he made a confused face. "What do you mean?"

・✦ "Would it be so bad if we were in a relationship? What if I wanted that?" You gather your courage and face him defiantly.

・✦ "... what-"

・✦ "I like you, Jisung. I don't care what anyone says, what bothers me is that you're so oblivious to it. I want you. I need you."

・✦ He looks at her scared, immersed in his thoughts. It doesn’t last long until he smiles and leans in to kiss you deeply, wanting this for so long his bones could ache.

・✦ He didn't see a problem with that either.

❪ ε ї з ❫

ᥫ᭡ ˖ 𖥔 𝐅𝐄𝐋𝐈𝐗 ... 𖥔

・✦ You were the first person to greet him at school when he moved to Korea.

・✦ He was in a confusing phase for himself, still discovering his passions and talents and you were the only one who understood him and waited for him in his time, always being by his side in difficulties.

・✦ People compared you to a ray of sunshine, but for him, you were the light that provided a way out in his darkest moments.

・✦ As time went by, he debuted as an idol and you followed the career you wanted, becoming an interior designer specializing in landscaping.

・✦ You loved everything related to nature and he was no different, loving to travel to places with the best views, always remembering you in the most memorable memories for him.

・✦ During the boys' comeback, Felix was working hard day and night, always bringing out the best in his performances and never letting anything down.

・✦ one of his shows was cancelled due to problems at the venue where they were going to perform and after weeks of tiredness he would finally have at least one day off.

・✦ Taking advantage of the opportunity, you invited him to go to the beach, since you both loved it and hadn't gone out for a long time due to your busy schedule.

・✦ the ride was fun from start to finish and you were hyperventilating over little things like you sharing headphones during the car ride or how he was concerned about whether you were staying hydrated and wearing sunscreen.

・✦ After a whole day of playing in the water, you sat side by side to watch the sunset. Your shoulders were touching and you didn't miss the way your hands were so close, yet still untouchable.

・✦ you watched as the bright orange hue reflected off the blond strands of Felix's hair, looking peaceful as if the breeze took away all his worries and tensions.

・✦ "You're beautiful." His voice came out as a whisper and you knew you couldn't stop talking from now on, "I feel more relaxed when I'm with you. I don't think I need to come to the beach all the time if I already have my daily ray of sunshine."

・✦ Felix looks at her with a genuine smile and you could see the affection through his irises. "Thank you for bringing me here, Y/n. Thank you for everything really." With a smile you slowly lean in and Felix could only close his eyes. Gently your lips connected and you could still feel the mixture of your sweet lips with the salty sea water. He still a little hesitantly holds her waist, bringing her almost impossibly closer.

・✦ moving away but still close to his face, you spoke softly, like a secret now revealed, "I love you. I always have. I'm in love with you and I'm sure it's because you're the easiest person to love."

・✦ Surprised and excited, Felix places a kiss on her cheek and then rests his head on her shoulder.

・✦ "It would be impossible for me not to reciprocate the feelings."

❪ ε ї з ❫

ᥫ᭡ ˖ 𖥔 𝐒𝐄𝐔𝐍𝐆𝐌𝐈𝐍 ... 𖥔

・✦ the way they met was too cute and Seungmin would never confess - even if you commented on it.

・✦ Even in his pre-debut, Seungmin has always been the schematic and methodical type. He had a routine of going to the gym three times a week at a specific time and, coincidentally, he passed by the same square where you used to sit to read a book.

・✦ At first he just ignored you there, but after strangely noticing your long hair, or the cute way you wrinkled your nose when you read something that caught his attention, or when he randomly closed the book to "absorb" what was written there, he thought that maybe it would be interesting to know more about you.

・✦ He was never the intellectual reading type, but he thought that to impress a female reader, it would be good to have a little literary knowledge. When buying a book in a bookstore near the square, he discovered that his parents owned the establishment, and he was overcome with excitement.

・✦ He started to constantly visit the place to see you and in the end it was you who started talking to him and that's where your friendship began.

・✦ Even after his debut you remained firm and strong by his side, even though he couldn't often attend your little reading sessions where you read in silence just enjoying each other's company.

・✦ Over time, Stray Kids became increasingly popular, not only in Korea, but in many places around the world. That said, the group's first world tour was approaching and everyone was nervous. Seungmin became more and more distant as the week progressed as it was time to prepare for his world debut.

・✦ the day before the trip, you showed up at the door of his and the boys' dorm, sending a message as soon as you got there. He replied a few minutes later, saying he would be late at the company.

・✦ You were very frustrated because you didn't know if you would be able to say goodbye to him, since six months away without being able to see Seungmin was a long time for both of you. You leave the book you were going to give Seungmin as a gift at the dorm door, leaving immediately.

・✦ a little after midnight, you hear your phone vibrate on the nightstand, seungmin’s name flashing on the screen. You answer, completely concerned as to why he's calling so late.

・✦ He asks you to answer the door and without further contradiction you practically run to open the door.

・✦ Still sleepy, you almost fall with the impact of the hug that Seungmin gives you. He wraps his arms around you in an almost desperate way, wishing he couldn't let go of you anymore.

・✦ “Is it true? Did you really mean that?”

・✦ completely confused, your mind seems to want to play a trick on you, making you forget the moment that happened earlier, where you left the book with a dedication to Seungmin inside.

・✦ he breaks the hug, showing the book that had been in his hands all this time. 'Welcome to Hyunam-dong Bookstore' was no longer in its original gift packaging, a yellow post-it was stuck to the inside of the cover, which said: “I hope you enjoy this reading as much as I enjoyed the moments I had with you. I love you, I hope you enjoy this as much as I enjoy you.”

・✦ your eyes widened in utter surprise. You thought you might not be able to say goodbye to him in person, So he wrote this note in the heat of the moment, almost afraid that this trip might separate you two.

・✦ “Minnie… I’m sorry. This may sound wrong, but… I really like you. Ever since I met you… s-since forever, I think…”

・✦ His words are a bit disjointed and low, but the only reaction Seungmin had was to gently hold his face and do what he had always wanted since that day in the square: kiss her without guilt or resentment.

❪ ε ї з ❫

ᥫ᭡ ˖ 𖥔 𝐉𝐄𝐎𝐍𝐆𝐈𝐍 ... 𖥔

・✦ JYP was not an unfamiliar environment for you. Your older sister, a third-generation K-pop idol, often invited you to watch her train.

・✦ The JYP halls were a familiar environment for you and this gave you the opportunity to meet many famous people. And Jeongin was one of them.

・✦ At first, you would just exchange a few nods or a quick “good morning.” However, one day when you had to wait patiently for your sister in the cafeteria area, Jeongin saw you sitting alone.

・✦ He was surprised at himself, since he had promised himself not to make friends during his trainee days, due to the fact that people came and went easily. But you had a different aura to him.

・✦ time passed, he debuted and you stayed with him. Jeongin didn't regret talking to you that day, because from then on you were the one who supported him through the most difficult moments during the beginning of his career.

・✦ You saw Jeongin as an escape from all the problems of your day to day life. No matter the situation, just seeing his face, with that cute dimpled smile, the tension in your body would go away.

・✦ Spending time with him was comfortable and became incredibly familiar. You became an important part of Jeongin's life, and vice versa. The boys were happy to know that there was someone to brighten their youngest member's darkest days.

・✦ After a few years of friendship, the Stray Kids dorm had become an almost routine environment for you. One Friday, Jeongin invited you to join the boys' movie night.

・✦ You quickly got ready, stopping by the convenience store before walking to the dorms since it wasn't that far from your house.

・✦ you felt your cell phone vibrate as you walked down the sidewalk with some very full bags in your hand. You tried to get the cell phone out of your pocket, However, because of the piled up bags, he ended up falling on the sidewalk.

・✦ Without thinking twice, you quickly bent down to pick it up, not noticing the electric bike that was quickly coming towards you. It all happened so fast that you could say it was like a quick dream (or nightmare), like the kind you have when you take a short nap.

・✦ you were thrown away and the bike ended up running over your ankle, dislocating it. You ended up passing out from the pain on your way to the hospital, in the ambulance that the cyclist called to help you.

・✦ You woke up a few hours later, the light reflecting off the white walls of the hospital room hitting your eyes hard, making you squint.

・✦ you felt soft threads near your hand, and as soon as you regained some consciousness, you realized that Jeongin was lying next to you in a completely uncomfortable position. It didn't take him long to wake up, looking a little desperate as he did so.

・✦ “thank god! I- I thought… Y/n…”

・✦ Jeongin's eyes filled with tears and the words were a little stuck in his throat. “If I hadn't called you at that time, none of this would have happened... a man ended up answering his phone and told me what had happened. Forgive me, S/n.”

・✦ his words were still a little distorted because of the effect of the drug, where you were barely assimilating what was happening.

・✦ With a smile, you wipe Jeongin's tears gently. “I was so scared… scared of losing you. It could have happened because of a bike, but it could have been worse-”

・✦ “Don't do that. If you keep crying because of me, it'll make me fall in love with you even more.”

・✦ Jeongin was paralyzed by his slurred, barely audible words. He whispered a “what?” under his breath, his heart racing with even more disconcerting thoughts.

・✦ He stayed in the same position for a few seconds, long enough to make you fall back asleep. He kissed your forehead affectionately as he pulled away..

・✦ “I hope you remember your words when you wake up.”

622 notes · View notes

sitp-recs · 3 months ago

Note

top 10 drarry fics by the sheer force of the feels they gave you? not necessarily good feels! things you remember primarily because they hit hard in some way.

obviously, i'd also love to hear exactly how/why they hit hard if you're up for sharing that!

Oh that’s such a wonderful ask, thank you! I’m sorry for the late reply, the 10 fics came easily bc whenever I see those titles I get immediately transported back to where I was and what I felt reading them for the first time. But putting into words what exactly makes them heartkick-y for me was a bit more challengeging. It’s usually a “when you feel it you know it” kind of thing (and quite literally too, as sometimes it manifests as an actual physical reaction!) but more often than not the fic just clicks for me and there’s no rationale behind it. As Clarice Lispector said: “I suppose that understanding myself is not a question of intelligence but of feeling. It either touches you, or it doesn't."

Anyhoo, I tried my best to keep this short and sweet but since I’ve written individual recs for almost all these fics, I thought I’d include them too :) thanks again, this was super fun! And I’d love to read about your picks as well 👀

An Emerald In The Sky by corvuscrowned | my rec

it doesn’t get more romantic than star-crossed lovers doomed by time travel!!!! (see also: my thoughts on The Eighth Tale by lettered). this is my brand of melancholy, something about the constant yearning, the beauty of stolen moments in liminal space, the unfairness of it all… ugh

Far From the Tree by aideomai | my rec

fft has altered my brain chemistry and ruined me forever with its tender devastation, I had such a visceral reaction to it - to the point of feeling dizzy and feverish. a simple time travel concept (this is my kryptonite istg) but the epic storytelling! the gratification! the bittersweet ending! rereading it would kill me but what a way to go

Forgive Those Who Trespass by Lomonaaeren

easily one of the most haunting and terrifying fics I’ve ever read, one jumpscare after the other but so creative and well-written I was too busy collecting my jaw from the floor to talk myself out of it lol

Little Compton Street by writcraft | my rec

as a queer woman, this one feels extremely personal and is very dear to my heart. I’ll never forget the emotions I felt learning about queer history and finding a sense of peace and belonging. lcs feels like coming home 🏳️‍🌈

Little Red Courgette by blamebrampton

this was my first bb fic and their sense of humor just blew my mind. I was so impressed by the smooth world building, by their wit and clever political commentary. I just couldn’t stop laughing. the dialogue is so good it makes me wanna weep, I can’t explain how much joy and comfort this fic gave me

Merlin Works in Mysterious Ways by lordhellebore

full disclosure: my reading experience was shaped by the fact that I didn’t realize the tagged disability would be major and permanent 🤡 by the time I noticed I was so emotionally invested I couldn’t stop. one of the most painful reads I’ve ever endured, worth it tho

Running on Air by eleventy7 | my rec

introspective fics are my jam and this one was just what I needed while working through some shit at a turning point in my life. so I guess it was more about finding the right fic at the right time, and I’m hit by mixed feelings of catharsis and nostalgia every time I revisit roa.

Still Life (orphaned) | my rec

my definition of a perfect shortfic. gorgeous prose, flawless execution, the “nothing is happening but everything is changing” vibes I live for, one of the best Harry pov I’ve ever read and an ending that always makes me gasp in awe. few authors can write complex emotions so effortlessly as seefin, absolute masterclass

Super Rich Kids by trishjames | my rec

criminally underrated, this story broke my heart but also gave me such a THRILL. I usually avoid substance abuse in fic but something about Draco’s spiral journey felt so raw it kept me at the edge of my seat. devastating but also a surprisingly funny and exciting thriller. the range!!!

The Long Fall by tackytiger | my rec

as someone who’s never been into kid fic and family dynamics, this was a punch on the solar plexus and rearranged my whole view about this trope. I was deeply moved by Harry’s longing for a family of his own and despite not having or wanting kids, this still felt really cathartic and changed me in a way I can’t quite explain.

#top 10 ask game #smehur #pls keep in mind this is obviously 100% personal #as it should be

148 notes · View notes

leviscolwill · 1 year ago

Text

good old fashioned lover boy

pairing: trent alexandrer arnold x reader

summary: trent loves that you and jude get along, but he wants to make sure he still holds the #1 spot in your heart [wc: 1k]

req: request for a fluffy trent fic: jude is always over at trent & reader’s house, eating their food, bringing his friends over, begging to join them on outings etc. and generally acting like their kid. so ofc reader & jude are close, he goes to her advice, they tease trent togeth etc. and trent is jealous that jude gets long w his girl so we’ll but not actually jealous, more in a pouty whiny way, cos he knows jude is like a little bro to her

contents: established relationship, food mention, jealous trent (but it's cute)

note: i tried suppressing my lowercase addiction for this, tell me if you prefer it this way 🫶

now playing: good old fashioned lover boy by queen...

The warmth of your home protected you from October's cold. Trent had planned to spend the day snuggled in bed watching spooky movies and baking Halloween cookies with you.

Well, that was the plan until Jude passed your door. Trent wouldn't be able to say one bad thing about Jude even if he tried, he'd been there for him during tough times. No matter how hard you tried to empathize with Trent, Jude was probably the one friend who could understand his struggles surrounding football the most. Very quickly the pair grew close, almost family-like, and Jude would come over yours, often. You didn't mind, how could you? Jude was nothing short of lovely, he was a funny guy to be around and probably your boyfriend's favourite friend.

But you didn't expect him to crash one of the rare free days you got to spend with Trent. And neither did Trent, from the way his eyes widened when he opened the door to a smiley Jude. Your favourite Disney soundtracks were still blasting in the kitchen while you were mixing your cookie batter.

“Oh, are you cooking these for me?” Jude's voice made you turn around to see him standing in your kitchen with a big smile, your boyfriend trailing behind him.

“Depends, do you have good news to give me?” Trent's face contorted in confusion but Jude totally understood what you meant by the giggle he let out.

“I'll tell you all about it if those cookies are worth it.”

He recently came up to you for advice on how he should ask the girl he liked out. The fact Jude trusted you enough to share this with you made you happy, talking to him was like talking to a younger brother.

Trent knew about the girl his friend fancied of course, but he was absolutely clueless about him asking you for advice. Hearing you two talk so casually, made him feel left out. He knew how stupid this sounded, you were his girlfriend and Jude one of his best mates, but he couldn't help but feel his stomach churn from your closeness.

Trent wasn't jealous. He trusted you and Jude with his life. But he couldn't help feeling his friend was stealing the precious time he could have spend with his girlfriend, and he felt awful about this.

You were your own person, and he was very much aware of that, but he couldn't help spiralling. What if Jude was better company than him? What if he made you laugh in ways he couldn't?

His thoughts came to a halt when you pressed a quick kiss near his lips, “These should be done in 30 minutes, are you alright T? You look a bit off.” The concerned look in your eyes made him forget everything, his hand found yours to press a kiss on it.

“I'm fine baby, don't worry about it.” No matter how much Trent tried to reassure you, you knew something was off with him and made a mental note to ask him about it when you would be alone.

After many Fifa games between Jude and your boyfriend and six chapters of your books read, the cookies were ready. The three of you sat down and you intently watched their reactions to your baking, knowing damn well neither of them would be able to hide their real thoughts.

“These are very good love.” Your boyfriend complimented with his mouth half full while Jude stuck out his thumb up.

“So... Are you gonna tell me what happened with Mia?” A frown appeared on Trent's face again at your words.

“What's even all that about?” He tried his best to hide any animosity in his voice but it didn't work from the way Jude and you looked at him with wide eyes.

“I asked your girl for advice to ask Mia on a date, nothing more mate.” You could tell Jude was being cautious with his words, fearing his friend would get the wrong idea.

Trent ran his hand on his face, “I know. This is stupid, sorry.”

You stayed silent and went to the kitchen telling the boys you had to clean it up to cover the fact you wanted to flee this weird atmosphere.

You stayed a while looking at your phone, and when you looked up you saw Jude and Trent in front of your front door talking together, your boyfriend's hand laying on Jude's shoulder before pulling him in a hug.

The younger boy noticed you staring, and winked at you with both his eyes before whispering something to Trent's ear, something that made him turn around to look at you with a smile. You quickly turned around pretending to be interested in something else to hide the fact you were caught red-handed pretty much spying on them.

When the door finally closed, Trent's hands found your waist and spun you around. You started speaking before he could try to himself. “I'm sorry for not telling you I was speaking with Jude, but I swea-”, Trent's lips on yours cut you off, you felt your shoulders relax from this action.

“No, I am sorry. This was stupid, I just really wanted to spend the day with you, only you, I mean. I actually love the fact that you get along with Jude, but I just don't want you to like his company better than mine y’know.” His words relieved you, your pointer finger booped his nose as he let a giggle escape his lips.

“Trent, don't be silly. I love hanging out with Jude but if I could, I would spend every single minute of my life with you. Now... should we start watching The Prisoner of Azkaban?”

Trent led you to your shared bedroom, fingers intertwined to snuggle under the sheets. The both of you perfectly content and satisfied with each other's company.

taglist: @ceofmercedes <3 @zowanew <3

#i hope u like it <3 #trent alexander arnold x reader #trent alexander arnold imagine #trent alexander arnold #trent alexander arnold blurb #trent alexander arnold one shot #trent alexander x you #trent alexander arnold fanfic #football one shot #football fanfic #football fluff #football imagine #football x reader #footballer imagine #trent alexander arnold fluff

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2minutesnotice · 7 months ago

Text

Why People With Mental Illness And Trauma Deserve Love

(and why Blitzø Buckso is one of them)

Grab yourself some snacks and a drink, I'll have a talk with you people who go all for the

"If you can't love yourself, you can't love anybody else"

mantra, which is toxic as fuck.

And sorry for the typos 😬🥲

SPOILER WARNING Full Moon

tw:mental illness / coping mechanism / self harm self worth / shitty parenting /abusive and toxic relationships

First of all, I'm autistic, so a lot of scenarios I'll give you will come from my experiences because it's easier for me to feel empathy that way and explain a situation.

BLITZØ IN FULL MOON

People come into my DMs and want to rant with me about him. I get it. It seems he's an asshole.

And he IS.

Blitzø has multiple character traits which are trauma coded and boy what a can of worms that is. Most of them are really hard in your face, like the fact that he can't stand his own face in pictures.

Which comes from a deep rooted self hate, which comes up in self worth issues. Blitzø had his fair experience with drugs and alcohol , even drowned himself in last to get over his shitty experience with Stolas at Ozzie's.

I'm not saying he's suicidal, but Blitzø's biggest fear is, to die alone.

Because he KNOWS how he is. That makes him really self reflected. He knows how he behaves, he knows his own coping mechanisms.

That's why it's so easy to make him mad. He's mostly angry at himself in most situations, so it also happened in Full Moon. Blitzø uses anger to get things out of people, because most people react to anger, but he's not doing it to HURT people, it's the only way he knows how to get an reaction out of people.

The reaction HE wants. Since Blitzø has no self worth he has no clue WHY people should love him. So he shoves them away and keeps them at distance.

At the same time he CRAVES intimacy. And here's the conflict. Blitzø's love language is sex.

He feels the closest to people if he can be intimate with them. And yes, even in a weird "I fuck Chaz to be close to M&M" kind of way. He is krass with his talking about sex, he over shares, he LOVES to talk about sex.

Because he's good at it. And because it gets him close to people. If the show had more time I bet we would've seen Blitzø having multiple one night stands over the time. Yes, even with his arrangement with Stolas. Because there was sex before there were feelings. Definitely.

Shitty Parenting x Self Worth

Blitzø got sold by his own father as a play buddy for a rich kid. Yes the rich kid was Stolas and it was cute, but still, rich kid.

And we all have seen, that he wasn't good at what his father made him do in the circus but what Blitzø always had, was his pride. Also, he's very good at making things up as they go. Doing that damn horse balloon and making a joke about it, shows how he is capable of selling himself still as the best, even if it isn't so.

We don't know much about Tilla, but we know Blitzø definitely had a closer relationship to her then to his father.

I know we only have two concrete scenes which show what kind of an relationship Cash and his son had, but the "I wish you were my son" card for Fizz kinda draws us the picture here.

As a child who always had to compete with a sister which was highly gifted, this does something to you.

You try to be better, at any cost. Sounds familiar?

"I'll try to be better".

But what? In what will he try to be better? I think Blitzø doesn't even know at what he will try to be better, he just does not want to lose this. But what is this?

RELATIONSHIPS

IF Blitzø would have just cared about his business, he would've walked away with the crystal. Just like that. He would've said

"Thank Satan, I thought I would lose my business,thanks Stolas, it was nice as it lasted" and he would've been gone.

But he didn't. He listened to what Stolas said but he didn't LISTEN. Because it was confusing as fuck, even as The Audience just watching it was a LOT what was said and going from

"I'll let you go" to "I have feelings for you, please stay" in a second.

And of course Blitzø would not understand that. Because Stolas could not MEAN it. Because Stolas has servants who are Imps and he called him names, a plaything and if Blitzø is anything for Stolas, at first, he's a whore.

Blitzø sold his body for a service. For his business.

They could have made that arrangement about ANYTHING. Money, another hitman service, bodyguarding.

STOLAS made it about sex. The thing Blitzø knows, the one he CRAVES, the thing he is good at, besides killing people.

But the one thing Blitzø is not good at, are words and feelings. And Stolas had a lot of them, at once. And it felt not fair for Blitzø to be cornered like that, because he had no idea what was expected from him. And then he used the ONLY thing he knows, which always gets something out of people: Anger.

That's the words and feelings he knows.

And he got an reaction, but also had to deal with the consequences.

STOLAS AT FULL MOON

I love Stolas. But he he's living in a romance novel world and there's also, trauma.

Stolas first words I had imprinted in my mind were "I always thought love could be fun". He wished for a happy family his whole life and all he got was an abusive wife and a loveless marriage.

He is a dreamer. Someone who loves the small things and he is caring. He loves to indulge in fiction, he loves telenovelas because even if there's drama, there are relationships. Something he never had experienced.

Stolas is a soft soul. But he's repressed and depressed as fuck. And that's not only because of Stella, but his upbringing and the knowledge to live in a Golden Cage. But he never voices that he has problems with THAT.

See, Stolas is a prince, he grew up with servants, Imps mostly. In a palace. Even if he despises Stella's parties, I bet if he wouldn't be an outsider in his own race, he would be the one doing the parties himself. It would do him some good because Stolas is also, lonely.

While Blitzø lived in Circus tents and tried to proof himself, Stolas had to proof that he's worthy his title as a prince. Being married, the whole heir thing, his duties.

And then Blitzø appears out of fucking nowhere, seducing him (like in his novels!), staying with him the whole night (showing him he's obviously gay), showing him he can choose, that he HAS A CHANCE to be happy.

With Blitzø.

And then we see the duet and the second Stolas sings about how he wants this to go, I knew they will fuck up. Because Stolas had played out this scenario SO OFTEN in his head, that he has so many images of Blitzø in his head that he knows this will not work out good. He has hopes and dreams but in the end, the decision falls on Blitzø.

So we go to Full Moon and Blitzø reacts... poorly. He even mocks him. And then he starts screaming and shouting and guess who else was always shouting and screaming? Guess who told Stolas his whole marriage that he's not worth anything. That he's not worth of love, that he's a failure, that his head is in the clouds and mocked him about everything he loves.

Blitzøs only way to cope with too many feelings is anger, Stolas trauma is based on anger and rejection.

But Stolas reacted so FAST. He gave Blitzø the crystal and he told him that he gives him the offer to stay, because he has feelings for him (like in his novels!) and his hopes are so high and the second he does not get what he wants, what he needs, he snaps. He's disappointed. He's hurt.

Because he wants this so bad to work.

But it can't, because they're for now reading the same book, but they're so not on the same page.

Because, and now we're getting there, they have to deal with what was said.

TRAUMA AND RELATIONSHIPS

I'm married for ten years now. My wife and I met each other 20 years ago.

I was suicidal back then, I cut myself regularly, I was depressed and had an eating disorder.

But I had friends. And I had relationships. And I loved so so deeply.

And then I got together with my wife 11 years ago. I was freshly diagnosed with being autistic, my wife has ADHD.

She also has several PTSD triggers, I have childhood trauma from living with my Mom who's an alcoholic.

And yes, I am able to have an relationship. We love each other dearly, we care about each other. We learn from each other, daily.

We have bad days, but we are GOOD for each other.

Because you DESERVE TO BE LOVED, no matter what.

In the first place is always that you're responsible for yourself. You can't trauma dump on your partner in excessive ways because that's not healthy. BUT learning to share your experiences but still being responsible for yourself and your actions, is a whole different thing.

You can love and be loved, even at your lowest.

But you have to be aware that your partner is not your therapist and that communication in a relationship, in which both parties are mentally ill, is KEY.

You have to go to the same ground, you have to explain what are your boundaries, what are your triggers but you have also to accept that the other one is sometimes not able to deal with your package.

My wife and I, we communicate DAILY. We have totally different needs. We have totally different views and patterns to deal with things. But we love each other.

Because we respect each other's differences.

And that's the homework for Stolas and Blitzø. They don't have to TO GET BETTER, they have to grow and they have to listen, communicate instead of just dumping expectations at each other.

You can't expect someone to break a pattern that is carved by trauma, just because you tell them you love them. And you can't expect that someone's listening when you push all their triggers at once.

I'm really excited how this will go. It's heartbreaking but I guess now that everything is said, they can finally be honest, without all the trauma dumping and pushing buttons.

And as I said:

You're worth of love. You're worth to be loved and you can give love, even at your lowest. Your deserve love, even at your lowest. You ARE loved.

Thank you for reading! ✨ Gold Star for you!

#helluva boss #helluva meta #2minutes meta #stolitz #tw in text #stolas #blitzø

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star-eyed-angels · 6 months ago

Text

Ghosting You

REQ: Stray Kids Reaction | One-Shot/Fake Texts | SUGGESTIVE/ANGST | BFF2L w/ Minho

Ghosting BFF Minho after sleeping together

Anon request:

A/N: to the lovely anon who requested this, I'm so sorry for the long wait! This idea started spiraling way out of control and took me so much longer than I wanted it to💕 Thank you for being patience, and I really hope it was worth the wait.

As always, this is not proofread because it's 3am so please be kind❤️

Warnings: suggestive because it’s Minho 🤡 insecure reader, Minho and reader are both dumb, stubborn, and terribly in love.

The sheets are warm as they drape over your waist. But Minho’s arm that’s loosely hung across your middle provides most of the warmth. Your skin tingles with the marks Minho has left all over you. The sweet ache in your lower half should make you feel giddy beyond belief. And it did in the moment, the way Minho’s lips felt against yours, the desire that dripped from his voice as he held you like you’d always wished for. It felt fucking fantastic. And now you’re staring up at the ceiling, nothing but the sound of his even breathing next to you. It’s like a pit has opened itself in your stomach, and every second that passes by it grows inside you.

You glance over at MInho, watching him sleep peacefully. Your heart twinges at the sight of him like this, so exposed to you. A moment so intimate it feels unreal. What did this mean for your friendship? Was this how it all ends? Or maybe he feels the same? Maybe he loves you the way you love him. For a brief moment the giddiness returns at the idea of him sharing feelings. You let your mind wander at the possibility of a future with Minho. But it’s that thought that makes the pit open into a bottomless cavern.

This could never work.

Minho, your beloved best friend, was from a completely different world from you. How could you possibly forget? He could never be with someone like you. His world was cruel. Standards and appearances were everything in his line of work. One mistake could cost him everything. You’d watched him build it from the ground up. He couldn’t risk that. You wouldn’t let him.

You shouldn’t have done this. He can’t possibly love you. He couldn’t. Eventually you catch on to the sound of your heartbeat in your ears, matching the unsteady breathing you're letting out. You need to leave. You need to leave now before you make things any worse.

You’re quiet as you slip out of the bed, holding your breath when he turns over. His hand blindly searches over the sheets before he settles, mumbling sleepily. You turn away from him quickly, feeling unsteady as you scramble in the dark for your belongings.

The thoughts only grow louder as you slip on your clothes, hurriedly making your way out of the dorm without a trace. The warm summer air brings you the slightest bit of comfort that what you’re about to do is the right choice, even if you know it’ll hurt.

You’re pacing your living room for what feels like hours at this point. It wouldn’t surprise you if you looked down and discovered a hole in the rug under your feet. The past few days you’d done the same thing, eat, worry, sleep, repeat. You’re thankful for your boss allowing you the time off, knowing full well your racing mind would have done you no good at work.

A part of you hoped the time away from Minho would help you clear your head. If anything it only made it worse. Your phone buzzes on the coffee table, a flash of panic going through you when the screen lights up. The lock screen of you and Minho stares back at you, mocking you and your stupid decisions. The nagging feeling inside you finally becomes too much as you open a text thread, typing out a message quickly.

You grimace, looking down at your phone. Of course you know Felix is right. The logical part of your brain knows that he’s right. Minho would understand, you know he would. But there was still the worry of what everyone else would think. As much as you wanted to be with Minho, there was so much more to think about. You’d reach out to him eventually. After you had enough time to make sense of your thoughts and feelings. Then it would all be fine,

But of course life was never that simple. Your moment of mild peace is immediately shattered at the sound of your phone going off. A second notification lighting up the lock screen. You feel your heart sink at the sight of Minho’s name on the screen.

Two weeks. It’s been two weeks since your texts to Minho. He’d blocked you immediately after. Every call and text being left unsent. You’d given up trying to reach out after the third day. The heartache you felt at losing your best friend was nearly unbearable. This was the longest you’d gone without speaking to each other but this time was different. This time there was no reassurance there would even be a next time. You’d lost your best friend in trying to keep him. Things only worsened with the loss of the others. How could you go to them after what you’d done to MInho? Simple, you couldn’t. You not only lost Minho, but the others as well. And it was slowly killing you. Felix had immediately noticed your absence. And eventually so did the others. Your phone had been full of unread texts from the others wondering where you’d disappeared off to. You didn’t have the heart to face them.

The texts soon turned into voice messages and voicemails. Jeongin in particular began to blow up your phone, which was very out of character. The final straw was when he’d left you a hurried voicemail begging you to come to the dorm to help him. While you loved all the members, Jeongin was like a sibling to you. The bond you had with him was different. Hearing the desperation in his voice had you worried enough to rush to the dorm.

One hand keeps your phone pressed against your ear, the other rapidly knocks on the door. You groan as Jeongin finally picks up the phone

“Hello?” he says casually, as if you aren’t pounding at his front door.

“I’m here open the door,” you grumble out, thoughts of throttling him pushed aside until after you help him.

“Uhh- yeah. Yeah I’m going now,” he says, hurriedly.

You huff as the doorknob twists in front of you. The door swings open, and you’re stepping inside, before you can blink.

“Yang Jeongin what is it that is so important that you’re calling me 70 times just to not open the damn…door,” your words trail off at the sight before you.

You’re in shock as you come face to face with Minho. His expression mirrors yours of bewilderment at the sight of you. He looks disheveled as you stand in front of him. He wears dark circles under his eyes, looking like he hadn’t had a proper night’s rest in weeks. Eyes bloodshot and puffy from what looks like tears he’d shed not too long ago. Your heart breaks when you see the glisten as he registers you’re here in front of him.

“Those fucking brats,” he mutters under his breath.

The aforementioned brats can be heard from the phones that now dangle at each of your sides. Hurried whispers from Jeongin, Felix and Seungmin can be heard as they speak to each other. They’d set you up. Oh you were so going to throttle them the next time you saw them.

Eventually the hang up, leaving you and Minho in silence. You both stare at each other for what feels like years. You clear your throat quietly, forcing yourself to speak.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know they’d do this. I’ll just,” you meet his gaze hesitantly, he looks away immediately. You can’t help the tears that spring to your eyes at the action.

“I’ll see myself out,” you exhale shakily.

He lets out a huff, shaking his head.

“Yeah, leaving what you do best,” he mumbles just quiet enough for you to hear. The cold tone he uses feels like a slap to the face.

“Excuse me?” you say, hoping you misheard.

“What, am I wrong?” he says firmly. He finally turns to look back at you, shooting you a glare.

“I didn’t leave minho. You were the one that ended our friendship,” your own bitterness seeping into your voice.

“Then what do you call sneaking around?” he takes a step towards you, you take a step back matching his pace.

“Or lying to my face about being busy, huh?,” he spits out, inching closer to you.

“I needed space,” you say, your lip trembling at the truths he throws at you.

“So you couldn’t tell me that? You have to lie?” he grits out, having now backed you up against the door. His eyes burn into yours as he stares at you, anger and hurt swirling in them. You turn away, his intense gaze becoming too much.

“This is about us sleeping together isn’t it?,” he asks, causing you to look back at him.

“Minho…” you breathe out, tears pooling at your waterline.

“If all you wanted to sleep together you shouldn’t have made me fall for you,” he says shakily, his own eyes watering as he stares down at you.

“That’s not all it was for me. Minho, I care about you more than you can imagine,” you say. He turns away quickly, beginning to walk towards his room. You reach out and grab his hand, stopping him.

“Please just listen,” you plead out. The fear you felt bubbles to the surface once more. But for the sake of Minho you’d do your best to get over it. He deserved that much.

When he doesn’t try to shake you off, you continue.

“I wasn’t trying to hide it. I came here to see Felix,” you start shakily.

“I needed someone to talk to and I couldn’t come to you, okay…” your voice barely above a whisper.

You wait for Minho to say something, anything really, but he still stands with his back to you. You do your best to keep your composure, but every second that passes feels like a crack in your heart. He finally turns to look at you, shaking your hand off of him gently.

“Do you think that lowly of me?,” he asks finally. His voice sounding small in the open room. Any semblance of composure fades at his words.

“No minho. Never.” you hurry out, voice breaking with your tears. He takes your hand, gently running his thumb across your skin.

“Then why?”

“I’m scared,” you whisper.

“Because we slept together? I thought that’s what you wanted? I thought you wanted this, us?” he steps closer to you, his watery eyes boring into yours.

“I do- I just…” you sigh, staring down at your hand in his. He waits quietly for you to continue.

“Do you know how scary it is to love you minho?”

You miss the quiet sound of his breath hitching.

“One wrong move and I could be the end of your career,” you gently separate your hand from his.

“I can’t let you jeopardize that for me, I’ve watched how hard you worked, how much you’ve sacrificed to get here. I don’t want to be the reason you lose it all,”

There’s a quiet silence between you two. All of your fears are laid out in front of him, it's terrifying. You knew it would be, but there’s something refreshing about having the truth out in the open. Again you wait for MInho to respond, keeping your gaze locked to the floor. You don’t think you can bear staring at him when he rejects you.

“God you’re so dumb sometimes,” he huffs out.

“What?” again your head flicks up to meet his gaze, thinking you’ve heard him wrong.

“You, you absolute dummy, don’t get it do you?” he huffs in amusement. His gaze has softened. A small twinkle in his eye.

“Do you know how long I’ve wanted you? How long I’ve waited to tell you? I’ve been in love with you all this time, and then I finally got the courage to do something about it because i though you felt the same. But watching you try and run away from me was torture. I don’t want to lose you,”

“Min,” you're breathless at his confession.

“Do you really think I care about what anyone else thinks? Because I don’t. I really don’t” his words are firm, even as he pours his own heart out to you.

“I just want you. I could care less what they have to say,” he reaches out, grabbing your hand once again. This time he intertwines his fingers with yours, leaving you in a state of further bewilderment.

“And if you want me to, that's all that matters,” he says as if it’s the simplest thing in the world.

“But-,” your protests are shot immediately with a glare.

“But nothing. I don’t care. If I have you, that’s all I want. Is that what you want?” he asks. The matter of factness in his voice has you nodding without question.

He smiles, his little bunny teeth poking out in a way that makes your heart swoon. His free hand grabs your cheek gently, tilting your face closer to his. His touches are so sure against your skin, it makes your own trembling stop. You stare up at him, the same feeling of intimacy from your night together fluttering in you.

“No more hiding things from me, okay? You have every right to want your space, but no lying about it,” He says softly.

“Never again. Promise,” you say, bringing your own hands up to hold him gently. He melts into the feeling, leaning into you further.

“Can I kiss you?” he asks, eyes flickering between your eyes and lips. You grin, pulling him into your own kiss as an answer. He giggles, pulling you closer to him as he deepens your kiss. Your own giggles mesh with his, finally filling the tense silence. You stand there for another moment, relishing in the feeling of holding each other once more. The moment is interrupted with the sound of both of your phones going off.

dividers: @/saradika-graphics @/cafekitsune

#stray kids reactions #stray kids fake texts #stray kids smau #stray kids scenarios #stray kids imagines #skz reactions #skz fake texts #skz smau #skz scenarios #skz imagines #writing #✍🏼

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milliesfishes · 7 months ago

Text

꣑ৎ౨ৎBut Daddy I Love Him!꣑ৎ౨ৎ

[fem reader] contains: forced distance, angst, kidnapping, family betrayal, murder, death, gunfights, pregnancy, violence, miscarriage. summary: billy scrambles to figure out what to do when your father decides to send you away. pairing: billy the kid x fem reader author’s note: heyy! this one gets a little dark so be warned. love you <3 Pinterest Board Spotify Playlist

It was a character staple that you never cried.

Your demeanor was sweeter than sugar, so darling that Billy couldn't ever see himself doing anything but adoring you. Truly, he wasn't the only one who found it impossible. You had an easy smile that you used often. Truthfully it was that that'd drawn him to you at first. That smile, that laugh.

He hadn't known anything about you when he first saw you across the square, pretty and carefree, in a blue dress the color of the sky. But he heard your name on everyone's lips afterward. The sweetest girl in town.

Billy wanted you before he even knew you.

A buddy of his informed him that you were the daughter of one of the richest men in town. A man famous for his dislike of outlaws. This had dismayed Billy a little but hadn't altogether stopped him from pursuing you.

He'd sidled up to you in a respectful way one day in the market, tipping his hat and introducing himself. You must've known who he was already, but you didn't show it, smiling sweetly and leaning against the stall you were at, engaging him in conversation that had his head spinning in the best way.

Of course he'd asked to see you again. You'd tilted your head, thinking about it, and Billy held his breath, thinking you'd say no. A good girl like you likely wouldn't want to disobey your father.

So it shocked him when you said yes. And you kept saying yes after that, for months until he woke up and found he'd known you a year, and you'd been his sweetheart for just a little under one.

Billy'd never had a girl before, not steady and constant like this. His trysts with women had often been short lived, mere imaginings almost that had no hope of lasting. But he'd known you were special from the second he saw you. He didn't want a few weeks worth of kisses, he wanted to love you.

And love you he did.

More than love, he cherished you. Every stolen second he had you in his arms he imprinted, something to recall when he had to leave.

He'd been surprised to find you were untouched; not even your lips had been caressed by another man's. You willingly gave yourself to him, gave him every one of your firsts, then every second and third after that. Billy committed your being to memory, every new piece of knowledge he gained about you shelved at the forefront of his mind. He was a man utterly obsessed.

You were the center of Billy's world, a once in a lifetime girl he always wanted to protect.

Which is why when he found you crying on your porch one night, his reaction was immediate.

Billy reached for you, arms instantly open and ready to fix it, whatever it was. You welcomed the comfort, leaning into his chest, your body shaking. Tears fell like rain down your cheeks, and he marveled at the sight. He'd never seen you cry before.

"Baby...ohh baby, whatsa matter? What happened, huh?" he asked, keeping his voice down. It was late, and your father would have gone to sleep by now, but he didn't want to risk waking him. He knew from all the other times you'd met him out here.

You didn't respond, your cries soft but intense, making him worry. Taking your hand between your chests, Billy held it to his beating heart, taking purposefully deep breaths so his chest moved up and down. He used his other hand to hold you tight against him, so your body could feel it. "Deep breaths f'me baby. Gotta stay calm. Don't want you to collapse on me, hm?"

Feeling his body so close against yours, you tried to match his pace, your tears and shaking making it hard at first, but slowly you eased into it. He nodded encouragingly and squeezed your hand. "That's it...that's it, atta girl...that's m'girl."

Your arms found their way around him, holding him tightly as your breathing slowed, becoming less hysterical. He held you in a protective stance, still holding the hand between you, the other hand at the back of your hair, holding your head to his shoulder. Naturally, his body moved, rocking you back and forth. "I gotcha. Ya don't needa fold yourself up anymore. I gotcha."

Billy's words were soothing, just what you needed to hear. If you could keep yourself here in this bubble forever, you would. When he noticed you'd calmed down a bit, he lifted your chin. "Y'know you can always tell me anything, pretty? Anything at all?"

You looked into his eyes, the events of the day echoing their sorrows into your face. It was bubbling inside you- the overwhelming cacophony of secrets.

He could see it; you knew he could. "'S okay baby. You can tell me."

Your lower lip trembled, and his heart broke at the sight of you. His hands were on your cheeks, and he kissed your forehead. "Baby...lemme help you. Let me fix this."

"You can't fix this," you breathed, shaking as your tears fell fast.

"What's goin' on?" Billy held you between his hands firmly. You knew he wouldn't let go until you gave him something.

And you didn't want to tell him the full truth.

So, you took in a shuddering breath, and said, "My...my father's sending me away."

Billy's body froze, his brow furrowing. He looked at you in disbelief. "Sendin' ya...where's he sendin' you to?"

"To a convent up north," you whispered, twin tears sliding down your cheeks, hitting his hands.

He exhaled sharply, feeling like his world was falling apart. "When?"

"Tomorrow." Your voice was small.

"Tomorrow," he repeated, nodding slowly as he took it in. Billy cast his eyes to the side as he thought quickly. "Mkay...mkay." Then, he rubbed his thumbs along your cheeks. "Pretty? Baby? Look at me."

You did as he asked, your eyes full of fear. He'd never seen you this scared, and it pushed him into action.

Billy gave you a gentle kiss on your forehead, then pulled you into his chest, holding the back of your head with one hand and the other around your waist. "Here's what we're gonna do, baby," he muttered. "I'm gonna go talk to your daddy...tell him we're gonna be wed soon."

Your head snapped up, but he pushed it back down. "Alright? Maybe he won't send ya off. But if he still does I'm gonna take ya. We'll ride off, just you and me."

Shaking your head, your eyes filled with tears again. "Billy...Billy no..."

He silenced you by kissing your head. "'M not lettin' him send my baby off to a convent. Either you're comin' with me or I'm askin' him to marry you. Ain't lettin' you go for nothin'."

You pressed your hand against his chest, getting him to look down at you. "Billy. I can't run from this, I can't..." you took in another shaky breath. "I have to go."

Billy's eyes widened slightly, and he shook his head. "Go, pretty? I just told you, I ain't lettin' ya go." He smoothed his hand over your hair. "You're my girl, ain'tcha? Ain't just any girl to me, pretty, you're my sweetheart. You trust me, don'tcha?"

You nodded. "I do. I trust you more than anyone. But..." you sniffled, looking away again. "I have to Billy. There's- I just have to."

He knew arguing with you would go nowhere, not when you were this determined. So he leaned in and pressed a kiss to your cheek. "Fine then. If your daddy won't let us wed, I'll follow you to that convent."

"Billy...Billy- no!" you pleaded, your voice high and scared. You tugged on his shirt. "Please...I don't want him to do something to you. I don't...I can't have you hurt because of me."

"He ain't gonna hurt me honey," Billy frowned, his hand coming to yours on his shirt.

"I know you could beat him physically," you begged, trying to make him see reason. "But my daddy's got connections for miles. He could hurt you real bad, make sure you can't find work, run you outta town. I can't have that happen to you. Please."

Billy's shoulder slumped defeatedly as he saw how anxious you were. "Pretty..." he pleaded, scrambling for a way. "We're in love, ain't we? Ya can't ask me to sit back and let ya be shipped away."

"I love you," you breathed, taking his face in your hands. "Do you know how badly I want to run off with you? Ride into the sunset, safe in your arms forever?"

"I'd marry you tomorrow, pretty," he murmured, his hand coming to your cheek, the other falling from around your waist.

You smiled in a sad way. "I know you would. But...I can't."

"Why not?" he asked, tilting his head slightly, the shadow from his hat covering his eyes. "Why do ya hafta go away?"

"I have to," you whispered, a fresh bout of tears streaming down your face. "Please Billy, just believe me-"

There was a loud noise from inside, and you jumped, looking back. Knowing this was your last chance, you turned to him and pulled his face down for a brief, but passionate kiss, your lips finding him in desperate need.

And before he could react, you were gone, running inside the house.

Billy just stood there in stunned silence for who knows how long, long after watching you retreat inside. Every fiber of his being protested. This can't be the end. No.

When it came to the people he loved, he was a fighter. And he'd be damned if he lost you this way.

He backed up to see your window, on the second floor. There was a light emanating from inside, and the sight of it lit a spark in him. without thinking too hard, Billy made his way to the sturdy tree conveniently growing right where he needed it. This wasn't the first time he'd climbed up to your room. In his mind you were a princess sequestered away in your tower, and he was your knight who'd do anything to get to you.

That was how he viewed himself when he reached the porch roof, discreetly crawling to the window and peering inside. You had been sitting on the floor inside, kneeling in front of a very small case with some of your littler belongings scattered around it. When he knocked, you turned your head, eyes widening in surprise.

You unlatched the window, and he carefully climbed inside, shutting it behind him. When he turned around, you were staring at him in disbelief. "Billy, what're you doing-"

"I ain't lettin' ya go doll," he whispered, his hands bracketing your face.

"You have to," you breathed, your hands coming to his wrists. "There aren't any other options."

"I toldja...we can leave. Right now," he said in harried tones. "We'll get married sweet. We'll be happy."

"Billy please," you closed your eyes, wishing for that fantasy. "Please don't."

He was taken aback by everything about the way you'd said it. Billy could see- you weren't going to budge. And as much as it broke his heart, he really didn't have a choice. No choice but to go along with it.

"Baby..." he shut his eyes, feeling like the ground was swept from under him.

You sniffled, feeling tears come over you again. "I'm so sorry Billy."

"No..." he shook his head, kissing your forehead. "Ain't no fault of yours."

"I don't want to leave you," you clung to him as if you could weld him to you. "But I have to...there's- I just have to."

Billy wanted to press you, make you tell him why, exactly, you had to leave him when you so clearly didn't want to. But he knew it would get him nowhere, no matter how his heart tugged at him to find out.

So, he led you to the bed, settling you between his legs so you could lie down on him. Billy rubbed your back lightly, his fingers a soothing balm to whatever was weighing on your mind.

Finally, you were quiet, your head resting on his chest. He made no attempt to move you once he realized you weren't crying anymore- he'd be your pillow anytime. Especially when you were in such distress.

And so, you laid there. Knowing it was the last time, but neither of you daring to say it.

"Billy?" you broke the silence, body limply molded against his.

"Mhm?" he kissed the top of your head, looking down at you.

"Will you tell me what it would have been like?" you asked softly, staring at the wall from where you were lying against him. "If we ran away?"

He sighed sadly; eyes weary. "Honey-"

"Please?" you lifted your head to look at him. "Give me something to dream about? While I'm gone?"

You were asking like it was a bedtime story, and he couldn't help his smile at that. How could he ever deny you anything? "Hmm," he thought for a moment, adjusting you in his arms gently. Billy could picture it all- waking up next to you every morning, working hard for you during the day and kissing you goodnight all cozy in your shared bed. "We'd go real far away, baby. No one would know us. Just you 'n me, all alone."

"Mhm?" you murmured, encouraging him to keep going.

"Yeah," he nodded, imagining it. "I'd treat ya real good angel. We'd get married right away...get a little piece 'f land somewhere 'n be happy there. It's you 'n me." He lifted your hand, kissing your palm. "You 'n me. Always."

The thought of it brought tears to your eyes, and you stayed perfectly still against his chest, seeing it all in your mind. How you wished you could stay. You'd never wanted anything more.

He rolled you over, so you were on your back, him hovering over you. Seeing the tears on your cheeks, he leaned down and kissed your nose. "Baby..." he kissed you there again. "Please. Please stay with me."

Your heart was broken, shattered, torn. Tears fell freely as he peppered soft, sweet kisses on your face. "I need ya..." a kiss on your cheek. "Need my baby." He kissed your other cheek. "Don't go." This last whisper was broken, more desperate than all the others.

"I love you," you breathed, your hands cupping his cheeks. "You're going to be just fine without me." You willed the words to be true.

Billy shook his head. "You're m' whole world." He laid to the side of you, and you turned to face him. "Won't be a day where I don't miss ya...please baby."

You pulled him so he was resting his face against your chest, close to your breasts. "No. You're gonna be okay. You're gonna..." you inhaled softly. "You're gonna meet some sweet girl in town and forget all about me."

He buried his face in your chest. "No." His words were muffled against you. "You're the sun 'n stars sweetheart. The thought of anyone takin' your place kills me."

You kissed the top of his head, hand stroking his hair. His hands dug into your hips, and he breathed deeply, inhaling your scent, like he was trying to imprint you on him.

Soon enough, he was asleep against you. He didn't move once during the night, his face staying against your chest.

When the sun started to rise, shining through your window, you shook lightly at him, trying to get him off. "Billy. You have to go before they see you."

He shook his head against your breast, his words blurred by you. "'M not goin' anywhere, baby." His lips pressed against you there. "'N you ain't goin' anywhere either."

You shook your head. "They're coming for me. I can't let my daddy see you."

"Then I'll go with you baby," he lifted his head and looked at you pleadingly. You nearly melted: his eyes were like a little boy's, the bright blue big and boring into yours. "Let's just go pretty...we can go anywhere. Anywhere ya want."

"Billy please," you murmured, taking his face in your hands. You kissed one cheek, then the other, then his nose.

"Let's just run away. Please," he begged, pressing his temple against your hand. "We'll go anywhere. Somewhere they'll never find us. I'll be good. I'll be so good for you."

"You're already good for me," you affirmed in a bittersweet way. "I can't run away from this."

"Don't care," he mumbled, pressing a soft kiss against your cheek. "It's you 'n me baby. I'll do anything for ya." Billy's fingers tangled in your hair, pulling you into a soft kiss.

You let yourself kiss him back for a moment, then got up, putting your dress on. "I want you to stay here and work and do everything you want to do."

"I don't care about anything else," Billy insisted, getting up and wrapping his arms around you from behind. "I want you."

You brushed away the pang in your chest and stepped away from him, kneeling at your case that you'd abandoned last night in favor of his love. There were a few things you were putting inside carefully, ignoring the weight in your heart as you did.

He sat quietly beside you, watching you. There were no questions asked, nothing else to say about it.

When the box was shut, what little you were taking packed away, you took in a deep breath, staring at it. You had one of your ribbons in your hands, twisting it between your fingers.

Billy felt helpless. It was like holding onto running water. You were leaving, nearly insistent on it despite every protest and promise he put before you. Looking at you, remembering everything you'd had, he knew you were the love of his life. He didn't know how he could ever love anyone else, not in the same way or more.

Your leaving was inevitable. But he could comfort you now. He could show you he loved you, and that it wouldn't ever stop.

So, he reached out, lowering your hands. "Everything will be okay, baby."

He kissed your cheek, then reached into his shirt pocket, pulling out a little gold ring looped on a strand of twine. Untying it, he picked up your hand and slid it on your finger.

Instantly recognizing it, you shook your head. "That's your mama's wedding ring. I can't take it from you...you shouldn't-"

Billy tilted your chin up, kissing you softly. His fingers intertwined with yours. "I want you to have it, sweetheart," he said gently. "My mama always told me that this ring was a symbol of love 'n protection. She'd wear it every day to keep us safe." He pressed another kiss to her lips, adding quietly, "It suits ya too, pretty."

You looked down at it, noticing how perfectly it fit around your finger. The fact made you smile sadly. "You're gonna meet another girl you'll want to give this to."

He shook his head firmly. "I don't want anyone else to have it." Billy squeezed your hand and lifted it to his lips. "I want you to have it and keep it safe. So you'll always know how much I love you."

For the millionth time, a tear made its way down your cheek. You threw yourself into his arms, memorizing how the plane of his body felt against you.

Billy held you close, and you knew if you asked him so, he wouldn't let go. But you knew you had to, so you leaned back, looking at him. The ribbon was being twisted over your fingers again anxiously.

He glanced down at your hands again, taking them and untwisting the ribbon, taking it from you. "It's okay baby." he said softly, his voice soothing.

You nodded, leaning against him for a moment. He was the eye of your storm.

There was a sudden noise, and voices downstairs. You sat up, looking at the door. They were here.

Standing up, you took your case, holding it by the top handle. He watched you, every inch of his being screaming to grab you and never let you go.

But he couldn't.

Instead, he took his face in your hands, kissing you softly. "I love ya. Never forget it."

"I could never," you breathed, pressing your forehead against his. Then, with one final look, you whispered, "I love you."

And then you were gone, shutting the door behind you, leaving him standing in your room with your ribbon in his hand.

Of course, Billy wasn't going to let you leave just like that.

He'd played along with you for the sake of your distress, but in truth, his mind had been running all night, trying to make something of a plan.

There weren't many options, truth be told. Evidently, he couldn't go to your father, and he couldn't run away with you, at least not yet.

So, after you'd been escorted out by a woman in a black dress, and your father left for town, he snuck from your bedroom window to his horse, whom he'd left grazing in a nearby grove. He rode to town himself with one objective in mind. There weren't many convents close to the county, and he assumed your father wouldn't send you terribly far away.

He asked around town about convents near here, trying to stay discreet. Luckily, nobody seemed to think anything of it, and he got information on one about a day's ride away.

Hoping and praying that it was the right one and that your father hadn't sent you to one several states away, he started to ride in that direction.

It was a long journey. All day as the sun beat down on him, all he could think of was you, and whether you were okay or not. Were you scared? Unsafe?

A million thoughts raced the track of his mind and looped back again. There was no guarantee that you would even come with him. You seemed to be trapped in a stubborn spot. He still didn't understand at all why you had insisted on going. Why you had chosen the convent over marrying him. Why despite choosing the convent over marrying him, you'd still cried over leaving him.

Hopefully he'd get his answers when he saw you.

The convent was in wooded area, hidden in the trees. Due to this fact, he was able to discreetly sneak close, leaving his horse tied to a tree in order to make his way closer on foot.

A stone wall that wasn't terribly high surrounded the convent, and Billy used a nearby tree to climb over, hoping there wasn't anybody on the other side. He realized then that he had no idea where you were located within the large building. Nobody seemed to be outside, so he quietly wandered, looking for any sign of you.

Someone must have been smiling on Billy that day, because he caught sight of an open window, and a woman sitting on a bed, and oh...he'd recognize that silhouette anywhere.

Softly, he snuck closer, realizing there was someone in there with you. An older woman standing in front of you, holding a piece of paper. "...admitted for pre-marital conception, is that right?"

Billy's blood ran cold. Pre-marital-

You nodded solemnly, looking at your hands in your lap. You were wearing a light blue dress, and you looked paler, sadder than he'd seen last.

His heart clenched as the woman took one of your hands, with a gentle smile on her face. "It's okay sweetheart. You're in the right place. And we'll make sure the baby finds a good home."

Breath caught in his throat, Billy's eyes went wide, and he felt time stand still. He looked to you, at your worn appearance and tired demeanor. A few details clicked into place.

The woman left your room, and you leaned forward, burying your face in your hands. He stared at you silently, his heart in his throat. Time was frozen, nothing mattered anymore.

This was why you'd been sent away.

Billy felt a surge of adrenaline, of ferocious protectiveness wash over him, and he stood up straight, hoisting himself over your windowsill.

You jumped; eyes wide as you realized who it was. "Billy-"

He didn't say a word, just rushed to you, gathering you into his arms and hugging you tight.

Hesitantly, as if you were unsure if this was real, you hugged him back. For a moment, Billy didn't care about any of it. He was just happy to have you in his arms.

"Billy what are you doing here?" you breathed, sounding relieved and confused all at the same time.

"Ya really thought I was leavin' ya baby?" he asked quietly, rubbing your back. "Ain't no chance. I'd crawl from my grave to come find ya."

"You shouldn't be here," you said softly, pulling back to look up at him. "It's not safe."

"Shh," he soothed, kissing the top of your head and nudging his nose into your hair. Oh, how he'd missed that sweet scent.

Stepping back from his arms a bit, you looked up at him, eyes pleading. "Billy."

He shook his head, putting one big hand over your tummy, rubbing it softly. "Not leavin'. Never again."

You paled, your heart sinking. "How did you-"

"Heard that woman talkin' outside the window," Billy explained calmly, his eyes not leaving yours. "Baby..." he took your face in his hands. "Why didn't ya tell me?"

Biting your lip, you looked like you were about to cry. "Billy..."

He recognized the situation, sitting down on the bed and bringing you to sit with him. Knowing you'd need a lot of love to get through this, he pulled you to rest between his arms, head on his chest.

"I was going to tell you," you started, voice a helpless whisper. "I found out a week before I was sent away. But I didn't tell you right away because I wasn't sure how."

Billy nodded, fingers trailing lightly up and down your back.

You continued. "I had gone to the doctor, and he told my father. I wasn't discreet enough. I just wanted to know for sure before I told you." You still seemed upset at this mistake. "And I guess my father wrote to have me sent here the same day. He didn't tell me I was leaving until that night on the porch."

His face fell. "You had to carry this all this time by yourself? Baby..." he tucked a strand of hair behind your ear. "You coulda told me all this." Billy's eyes fell to your stomach, for the first time noticing the slight gentle protrusion of it. That was his baby. His child you were carrying. His gaze was affectionate as he looked from you to your belly, filled with wonder.

A defeated look crossed your face. "I just..." Your eyes filled with tears. "I was so scared. And I figured...it would be better if I went away and had the baby and you'd be free of us. We wouldn't be a burden."

At your words, he squeezed you tight against him, shaking his head. His heart ached at your words, at the thought that you thought such a thing. "You 'nd my child could never be a burden." He kissed your hair again. "Don't you ever think that again. Never think I don't want you. Never think I'd be better without you. Cause it ain't true. Not one bit."

You looked up at him, the unexpected confession softening you and easing your mind. Sniffling, you looked down at your belly, hand ghosting over it.

He noticed how thin you were at that moment. Too thin if you were pregnant. "You been eatin' at all sweetheart?"

"It's been hard," you confessed, still leaning into him. He was rocking you back and forth gently, trying to keep you calm.

"Gotta keep eatin," he murmured against your hair. "Gotta keep my little one healthy."

"Which of us is your little one?" you asked, smiling up at him a little.

That got him. There you were. His sweet girl. "Both o' ya," he mumbled, holding you close. "When we go home we're gonna get ya somethin' real good to eat. Plenty've good stuff for you 'nd the baby."

You looked up at him, tilting your head a smidge. "Home?"

"I'm takin' ya home baby," he muttered, still rocking you lightly.

"You can't Billy, I have to stay here," you said earnestly, your hand coming to his over your belly. "If my father finds out-"

"He'll have to deal with it," Billy concluded, rubbing your stomach. "I'm not losin' my girl."

"We can't just run away," you sighed, shaking your head, a thousand possibilities running through it. "We don't have anywhere to go, any money-"

"I've got money saved up," Billy assured, and you looked up at him, furrowing your brow in confusion. He smiled fondly. "Knew I wanted to marry ya from the first time I met ya. 'Course I started savin'."

The sentiment warmed you from the inside out. You felt a little better hearing that, but your worries still plagued you. "Where would we go?"

"Anywhere," he smiled, squeezing your hands. "We'd have to ride back into town for a day or so, so I could get things settled with Tunstall 'n all. But after that we're free."

You looked concerned. "But...you love working for Tunstall. And the Regulators. You shouldn't give that up..."

Billy met your gaze with soft but determined eyes. He brought his hand to your cheek stroking it. "The Regulators're my friends, and Tunstall's a real good man but..." he looked down at your belly again. "You're more important. You 'n our baby. I wanna make a life for us somewhere. One where we can be happy together." He leaned in and kissed you lightly. "'nd I know we can't do that with you so scared o' what your daddy's gonna do."

"We could make it work," you tried, despite knowing he was right.

"It ain't just that," Billy said firmly, but gently. "The life I live, the life of an outlaw. It ain't safe. I can't put you 'n the baby in danger. You are my priority. Always have been, but more than ever now."

The feeling of having him care so deeply about you was invigorating. You'd known he loved you, but this. He was doing this for you. For you and the baby. You threw your arms around him, happy tears spilling from your eyes.

Billy smiled, holding you against him. "We'll settle down proper. That's my choice. It ain't givin' anything up when it's for you. It's you 'n me. Always."

Pulling back, you pressed your lips against his in a long, sweet kiss that he returned in full. Billy was a lover to his core, and you thanked your lucky stars you found such a gentle man in the shell of such a hardened outlaw.

He helped you out the window, likely more gently than he would have had you not had his baby encased in your belly. You were holding your little case that you hadn't even unpacked since arriving.

Giddy and nearly drunk off your excitement, you ran hand in hand from the window. He lifted you to sit on the wall surrounding the convent, hoisted himself over it, then grabbed you around the waist to help you down. And then you were off.

He held your hand, and you whispered excitedly to him, feeling absolutely nothing but pure bliss. He was yours. And he was running away with you.

When you made it to his horse, he helped you up, sitting behind you on the saddle. You held your little case between your legs, and he kept one arm wrapped around you as he steered the horse away, back in the direction of town.

You had to stop and sleep at one point, and he put his jacket around you, lying down behind you on the soft grass and cuddling you into his chest so you'd be warm. You slept facing each other all night long, his arms tightly shielding you.

When the two of you reached town, you were immediately on edge, worried to death about seeing your father. But he reassured you it would be alright. It wouldn't be long that he'd have to speak with Tunstall.

Billy left you at the general store, with a list of a few things to collect for the journey. You began to work your way down it, growing less paranoid as you shopped.

Finishing quickly, hoping Billy was done too, you gathered your things in a bag and walked outside, heading to his horse.

Out of the corner of your eye, you saw someone duck into an alleyway by the store. Could that have been Billy? Maybe he was in trouble.

You made your way over to the darkened corridor between buildings, peeking around the corner. Was it him? Approaching carefully, you called, "Billy?"

As you got closer, you could see that it wasn't him. Your eyes widned, and you backed up slowly, but the man spun around, grabbing you around the waist and pressing a gun to your side.

"Don't scream," the man breathed, his breath hot against your ear.

You were frozen, dropping your bag and holding your hands up. Breathing shakily, you whispered, "What do you want with me?"

"We're gonna go for a little ride, sweetheart," the man said, and your heart rate sped up exponentially. Nononononono.

"Don't do this," you breathed, trembling. "Please. Just let me go."

"I'm under higher orders," the man said harshly, tugging on your arm. "Come with me, or I'll be forced to blow your pretty brains out."

Your feet acted of their own accord, moving you along with him. He led you out the other side of the alleyway, lifting you onto a black horse. Swinging his leg over the other side, he looked behind him at you. "Hold on tight. It's gonna be a fast ride."

Wrapping your arms around him and hanging on for dear life, you prayed silently, silent tears streaming down your face.

Billy, please find me.

Concluding his business had been surprisingly easy.

Billy had known Tunstall was a good man, but when he'd told him the situation, he was further impressed by him. The Brit had thanked him profusely for all he'd done and told him to come back anytime he needed.

He'd left in good spirits (and with some spirits in him). Meandering over to the general store, he poked his head inside, confused when you weren't there. When he looked over at his horse, he didn't see you beside him either.

Perplexed, he wandered down the street, stopping at an empty space between two buildings. There was a bag that looked like it'd been dropped in a hurry. When he picked it up and looked inside, he saw a group of items that looked a lot like what he'd told you to collect at the store.

Panic shot through him, and he ran out into the street, looking around for any possible sign of you. His mind immediately jumped to the worst, and he tried to take deep breaths. Whatever the situation was, being panicked wasn't going to help anything.

He saw Charlie, one of the men he'd worked with, rushing toward him, and he grasped to that lifeline, grabbing him on the shoulders. "Have you seen my girl anywhere 'round here?"

Charlie's eyes were wide. "That's what I need to tell ya. Billy..."

His heart pounded like a hammer against his chest. "What? What is it?"

"Someone took her," Charlie grabbed his arms. "Some man on a black horse. Forced 'er onto it and rode away. Someone saw through their window."

All the blood drained from Billy's face. Kidnapped? He shook his head, gripping Charlie. "Where? Where'd they take her?"

"Looks like they were headin' up north," Charlie explained, pulling on his arm. "Toward that one hideout in the mountains. Reckon it's that gang that got ahold of 'er."

Billy nodded, relieved there was at least some idea of where you were. He gritted his teeth. "I needa go get her."

"Me 'n the rest of the men'll come with ya," Charlie assured, clapping him on the back and half running away. "You'll need backup!"

Watching as Charlie ran, Billy stumbled to his horse, shoving the bag of supplies in a saddlebag and hoisting himself up. He had never been more frightened in his life. Not only had you been taken, but it was you and your unborn child. His protective habits were working overtime, pumping his body with adrenaline.

Meeting the boys at the edge of town, they began to ride swiftly. He hadn't even ridden this fast to get to the convent. At least there he knew you were safe. Here, he had no idea if you were hurt, or drugged, or...

Billy forced himself to keep that last thought at bay.

They reached the spot in the mountains, and Billy was off his horse before it was fully stopped, running at the spot he was sure you were being held. It was nearly sunset.

There was a place in the ground with a metal covering. He kicked at it, hearing the hollow sound and then kicking it open. His men were right behind him as he climbed down the ladder, jumping to the ground.

He was trod carefully, warily keeping an eye out, his gun drawn. The corridors were dark. These men could be hiding anywhere. After walking for a bit, he spotted you, arms and legs tied together, thrown against the wall.

There was blood soaking the skirt of your dress.

Time was slow. His senses were blurred. Billy didn't drop his gun, but collapsed in front of you, his hands coming to your arms and looking over you, feeling dazed.

"Baby..." he breathed, unsure where to touch you. "Where are you hurt?"

You looked up at him, eyes broken. The defeated look, the hopelessness in your face shattered his heart. "Don't...don't...you shouldn't have come..."

He furrowed his brow, shaking his head. "What're you talkin' about...baby..."

"Drop your weapon."

The voice from behind him sounded familiar. He could hear gunshots outside, and he knew his men must be embroiled in a hell of a fight.

Slowly, Billy dropped his gun and turned, viewing the face of your captor. It seemed every time he thought he'd gotten over his shock, something new knocked him back into it.

Your father stood with his gun drawn, pointing it directly at Billy's head. You whimpered, trying to move toward him, but couldn't, your restraints holding you back.

"Kinda man are ya, holdin' your daughter hostage?" Billy spat, looking your father right in the eye.

The man scoffed. "All business, Kid. Ain't nobody exempt from it. She's fine."

"She's covered in blood," Billy shot back, his hands still in the air. "The hell have you let your men do to her?"

"Ain't nothin' my men did," your father's voice was cold. "If anything it's your fault. Damn bastard you put inside 'er."

Billy's blood went cold. His hands were shaking with the urge to pummel your father to the ground, but he didn't want to make you see that. "What does that mean?"

"Had the camp doctor take a look at 'er, but there ain't much he could do," his voice was like ice. "Reckon the blood on her dress is all that's left of it."

His heart plummeted to his stomach. No. He risked a look over at you, at your exhausted, haggard appearance. Tearing his eyes away, he resolved to deal with your safety first, then comfort.

Your father laughed cruelly. "You couldn'ta left her in that convent, could ya? Let us catch ya the easy way. But no, you had to make me kidnap my own kin and hold her here to wait for ya."

Billy was seething now. Everything he was saying stuck another pin in his heart. Everything about the situation was so far beyond horrible that he couldn't wrap his mind around it. "What d'ya want with me?"

"Want you to get outta town," your father demanded, still holding the gun firmly. "Take you and your good-for-nothin' crew out. Murphy's orders."

He should have known your father was a part of the Circle here in town. All the rich folk were. But to be involved to this level, to the point of hurting his own child to get what he wanted out of the organization, that was the cherry on top. He just had to bring you into this, the sweetest, most innocent thing he'd ever known.

"Ain't no way I'm leavin'," Billy growled. "'Specially when I know how far you'd go doin' evil. Hurtin' a woman, hurtin' your child."

"What's it to you?" your father glared. "You clearly got a good fuck outta her-"

A gunshot echoed in the chamber, and Billy dove to you, throwing his body over yours. He covered you for a second, making sure there were no other shots, then looked up behind you. Charlie was standing there, gun still smoking. Your father was collapsed on the ground, bleeding out.

Instantly, Billy turned back to you, shielding you from the gruesome sight. He took your face in your hands, immediately trying to calm you down. "Baby...baby you're safe. You're safe, you're okay. I've gotcha." His words were fast, tripping over each other.

Your breathing was uneven, little whimpers falling from your mouth with each one. Billy pulled you into him, so your face was buried against his chest. "It's all over. All done now, sweet." He scooped you up, keeping you crushed against his chest as he hurried away from the scene. "'m so sorry, 'm so sorry baby. I shoulda been more careful-"

"Billy, please," you choked, your arms wrapped tightly around him, face fiercely buried into his neck. "Not your fault."

"Shh," Billy soothed, holding your body tightly. He secured your legs around his waist, one arm holding you up under your bottom as he climbed up the hatch. The last golden rays of sun stretched to meet you as he maneuvered his way up to the ground, collapsing over the edge into the grass on his back, still keeping you tucked into his chest. He was sprawled out, hat knocked off his head, you thrown over his chest. You were crying, body shaking with overwhelmed, exhausted sobs.

Breaths coming hard and deep, he kissed your hair, holding you tightly as the sun set on this horrible day.

"I've gotcha," he gasped. "I've gotcha."

The aftermath was messy, to say the least.

His men took care of everything, knowing he'd want to take you home after the ordeal you'd been through over the past few days.

Billy was careful with you, as if you'd shatter any second. Not knowing where else to go, he took you back to your old house, hoping being somewhere familiar would calm you.

He carefully peeled your dress from your body, planning to burn it later, running a hot bath for you. Understanding that you didn't want to be alone even for a second, he got right in behind you, scrubbing your body clean of dirt and blood and whatever else had marred you in his time away from you.

After asking a million times if you were okay, if the doctor had handled things correctly, he resolved to believe you. Dressing you carefully in your nightdress, he carried you to bed, getting in right next to you and carefully winding his arms around you. Tucked safely into his chest, he finally breathed easy.

"I'm so sorry this happened, sweet girl," he breathed, lying beside you. He was stroking up and down your cheek, looking at you like you'd disappear if he moved his eyes for even a second.

"I don't want to talk about him," you muttered, closing your eyes briefly. "He was always awful."

"Yeah," Billy validated you, thumb running up and down. Up and down. The gentle motion slowed your heart.

"It's everything with the-" you automatically moved your hand to your stomach, then away when your motion remembered.

His eyes were soft. "Oh, sweetheart."

You shook your head as tears filled your eyes for the millionth time. "I'm sorry-"

"No," he cut you off, kissing the hand he was holding between you. "Ain't your fault. It couldn'ta been helped."

"I feel like I failed you," you confessed, a sob choking your voice. "I-"

"You're grieving," Billy whispered, bringing you closer to him, lying on his back so you could rest on his chest. "I know you're gonna feel like this for a bit. It's okay. But you ain't gonna blame yourself for this. I won't let ya."

He kissed your temple. "We're gonna be together for a long, long time. This ain't the last time we're gonna talk about babies. I promise you that." Looking down at your hand, it warmed his heart to see his mama's wedding ring still on your finger, still snug and safe there. "I want to promise you everything."

Billy's words were so sincere, so true that it was impossible not to believe him. So, the flower of hope blooming in your chest again, you nodded.

There had never been anything so serious to happen to you like this before. He had comforted you, sure, but just for little things. Now that the worst of the worst had happened, and he'd stuck by you through it all, holding you tight to his chest as life raged against you, you loved him more than ever for it.

The tears were still falling. The pain was still there. It wouldn't just go away, you knew that.

But he was here. Your rock, your eye in the storm. Your Billy. And as long as you were his, you were in his harbor.

No force could tear you away.

come talk about billy here!

#billy the kid #billy the kid fanfiction #billy the kid x reader #billy the kid x you #billy the kid 2022 #william h bonney fanfiction #william h bonney x you #william h bonney imagines #william h bonney x reader #milliesfishes billy #Spotify

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fumifooms · 1 month ago

Text

Jinx’s eyes and lost innocence

This sequence.

A bomb like she made in her youth. Except that unlike then, this one works, this one explodes… With paint and glitter and powder, instead of intending to kill or hurt.

The man who shielded himself from it sure that it would be his end, surprised, checking himself for wounds with disbelief, covered in paint, as if it was just some harmless prank. Relief. But the second surprise comes with the sound of the gun behind him. We see their eyes shift, both of them, her steeling and readying her shot without urgency and him understanding with urgency that yes, he is going to die, at her hand, and the bomb was just a fluke, a cruel prank, a distraction at best.

And this. These are the seconds that interest me, what ties it all together. The way we linger. The way she lingers. To, during a fight scene, slow down the pace to watch her face as she pulls the trigger and feels the recoil of her gun, watch her take in how she just took another life, watch her mouth part and her eyelids flutter when she notices the kid.

There are not enough emotions on her face for someone who just killed, but also there are more than there should be for a cold-blooded killer showing as much practice ease as she is. Does she always have this moment when killing someone? Did seeing her paint bomb go off, shooting someone covered in her paint and glitter of it, make her feel anything? Did she see the change in her that empowered her that she both loathes and clings onto in that split moment, too? Why did she even remake that first bomb? Why make it work and make it work to shoot off harmless fun showy things? Why indulge in this remnant of her past, why with that innocent intent intact stills if it didn’t get warped with the use of distracting an enemy to better sneak attack? Why taint that memory? Is the reaction only when she sees the kid?

Why does the camera linger, why does she linger? We’re not sure, and I’m sure she herself doesn’t know, but what we know is that she’s changed, and yeah, we’re low.

The kid, watching the fresh corpse fall, with curiosity more than anything.

Jinx with the gun gesture, reflecting their earlier conversation, referencing it. A shared secret, shared smirks, a relationship forming. Complicity. Jinx is knowingly or not taking her under her wing, shaping her by example like mentorship. A little girl that she resembled once getting desensitized to violence at her hand, encouraged to see killing positively. Empowering.

Episode 2 explores her past and upbringing in many ways, talking about Silco, her many mistakes, seeking out Sevika the last remnant of a person of her life with him and sticking with her, doing something for her despite knowing she should be betraying her any minute now. But fast forward to episode 3, the next time she has to confront it and herself.

Jinx praises Vi for finally using the right name for her, Jinx, and Vi talks about how she’ll kill her so she stops sullying the memory of Powder, blahblahblah. They exchange some punches and rows of bullets, we see Jinx’s eyes take in and calculate and shift here too, react and then react. Vi using the same mirror Caitlyn shot into intending to kill Jinx to shield herself from Jinx’s shot.

But this is it. When Vi uses her huge metal hextech fists to rip her invention, her gun, apart. Jinx is not the only one sullying memories, Vi is here, as an enforcer for Piltover, using Vander’s choice of weapon, and she uses it to hurt her, destroy her things, her inventions whose worth was such a source of insecurity and identity growing up.

This is when Jinx sees so very closely, at the other end of it, her sister’s rage and murderous intent as she rips metal apart.

We see her expression shift again and again during these few shots and the ones before and after. Her face as she watches Vi’s through the wires of her gun. As Vi roars. She grows less confident, less sure, more nervous, dare I say more fearful.

The music kicking up. Jinx’s face right then cutting to Jayce’s with a very similar expression, staring at something he doesn’t understand. "What have we done" he says.

Vi has always always been stronger than Jinx, inventions were how she made herself strong, and Vi can destroy them, Vi can rip metal apart.

And oh. Oh. This is truly really for real now. A fight to the death. No punches pulled.

She crawls away from Vi and it’s only the hextech malfunction that saves her.

Sevika smiles at Caitlyn biting her hand, with newfound respect as she draws blood. At her will, her bloodthirst, how far she’ll lower herself to hurt and fight. This is a scene about corruption arcs.

Jinx stands before Vi whose symbol of corruption just failed her, chained her to the ground vulnerable, and Jinx pulls the trigger just like Caitlyn, just like Vi was ready to do. No punches pulled.

Except they are. Jinx has steeled herself but Vi is softening. Vi is strong but she is vulnerable too and she can be made weak with Jinx’s guns and bombs.

And despite this when Jinx falls from her own weapon misfiring at a shot meant to kill her Vi is reaching out to catch, not hurt. Hold, not claw. Deflect, not counter.

Push, not punch.

Jinx’s eye shines pink like shimmer and this is when Vi shifts on the offensive, just before Jinx fires the shot that barelly misses her as she throws Jinx roughly at a wall.

And now they’ve fully switched places. The longer Vi has to fight Jinx the more she’s conflicted, the more Jinx loses herself to the fight the more she rages.

The chorus swells. "Just when you’ve done it all / you will turn it all / to ashes and blood" No words left to say, nothing left to mend.

She’s ready to die when she lunges at Vi with only her fists, she expects to die, hopes so. Knows from experience their respective results in that punching arcade game full well, even if she were to try with all her might, having tried all her might. She’s felt cursed by fate for a long time and she accepts it, just wants to go out with the most fireworks, to have been seen, to have mattered one way or another.

Vi punches the altar next to Jinx even as she’s got her pinned down defenseless and she readies her fist. And she has all the time to do it, she could have done it, except she couldn’t. And it costs them the chance to killl her.

The scene as a whole has a split focus on Jayce, Jinx and Vi centrally, and the song lyrics match that quite well. The full ones lyrics are worth looking at but to keep it quick: "How does it feel to reach the line that no one ever got to cross? Does it make you a god now?" A rethoric question of course, the song spells it out like it’s a damning wake-up call. The scene is all about regret. Our choices have led us here, it says. Jayce is dreading and afraid of what he’s done, Jinx is empty and as self-loathing as ever, Vi wants to stop blaming herself and is still conflicted on what side she should be on. "Catch the fire burning out your soul / Just make it die or you will turn it all / To ashes and blood" Jinx, accepting this is where she dies. She’s said in episode two she wants to kill the last of her family, but we all know it’s a lie, she’s never wanted to destroy and break things, never wanted to cause ashes and blood. She wants to fix things. She wants things to fix. She just wanted glitter bombs and arcade games. She wants there to be something left she can fix, but it’s all just dust now.

Jinx has never been in that place before, she took the time to draw all those Powders and Vis on pillars while waiting for her to show up so they can kill each other. She’s lingering on the past again, bringing it into the now to use it as a stage for battle.

Jayce is reckoning with the consequences of what he’s created and done, that he might cause a lot of ashes and blood. Vi being corrupted too, by Piltover, by rage, by Jinx, by Powder. Vi is being turned to ashes and blood, this is what jinx has made of her, what she’s made of herself. Vi is being corrupted too, by Piltover, by rage, by Jinx, by Powder. Vi has changed, too. Their whole society, their whole lives, their world figuratively and literally, it’s all crumbling.

"Every sin will be forgiven / If you lay down your weapons to the ground" But that’s not really how this works, is it. Jayce or Jinx can’t fix what they’ve done. Vi can’t say this, can’t fix her. No, they’ve dug their graves and the ground is where they’ll all be. Powder is dead.

Just when you think you’ve lost everything. Everything can get ruined and marred a little more, always. The past is not only in the past, it’s here and it’s haunting. Jinx will keep sullying the memory of Powder for Vi and Vi will keep tainting Jinx’s memories of her sister and their childhood.

#Arcane #jinx #vi #Scene analysis #Meta #Spoilers #arcane spoilers #arcane s2 #arcane s2 spoilers #If it were your usual action fight scene having successfully shot the enemy would have been both over and done with and a resounding cheer #Inhale YOU WERE BORN BLUER THAN A BUTTERFLY / BEAUTIFUL AND SO DEPRIVED OF OXYGEN #I don’t hate you but I can’t saveee youuuu……#Lingeringggg in the past ohhhhhhhh #Analysis #Me eating my words from literally yesterday that i probably wouldn’t find much to say analysis wise #Arcane staff: how much meaning can we pack into 20 seconds? Also Arcane staff: yes #I love overanalyzing micro expressions #Fumi rambles

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sleeplesssmoll · 2 months ago

Note

Since you mentioned liking Secretkeeper, any plans on writing Bkorn/Vertin? finding fics of rare ships is hard ;-;

This is me planting seeds in your mind (lovingly)

You're right! I am an outrageous multi-shipper and I think Vertin and Bkornblume are adorable. They're both a mischievous and playful, yet gentle. They're both sneaky rebels too. Vertin worked from within the Foundation, Bkorn worked within the Stasi to help others. Bkorn seems fond of Vertin in her voicelines. She shares snacks with her and asks Vertin to read her poems in the Wilderness. Bkorn's reactions in the Wilderness like telling Vertin secrets or giggling make me think they enjoy each other's company. There's also this description of her:

A best friend who loves to yap but always lends a ears. Bkornblume is someone Vertin confides in and that makes her special. Also the little animation of them cuddled on the couch sharing a scarf was what finally did me in. Too sweet c:

I won't say I had plans on writing (no drafts or anything) since I'm all over the place with that stuff. I did have some secretkeeper in an idea I had floating around. It actually started as a crappy love triangle with Vertin, Matilda, and Sonetto. This was what I cultivated from my brainrot for anyone interested (not a fleshed out fic but an idea):

Matilda approaches Vertin one day and tells her she's going to confess to Sonetto. Vertin is confused as to why she needs to tell her first, and Matilda tells Vertin to quit playing dumb. They both like Sonetto, but they're also friends. She is warning Vertin out of respect and consideration for her friend, which moves Vertin (i HATE love triangles that aren't triangles. Vertin and Matilda are buddies and they don't want to hurt each other.) Nonetheless, Vertin wishes Matilda good luck and assures her she wants them to be happy. Matilda isn't convinced but thanks Vertin with a big hug before leaving.

When Matilda finally confess, Sonetto needs time to answer. Sonetto decides to ask for Vertin's advice like usual. Vertin plays wingman and says that it's worth trying to see how their relationship goes. Matilda and Sonetto got along since they were kids and she mentions that Matilda had a crush back then too. Sonetto admits she was totally caught off guard and says that she's never been good at noticing things like that. Vertin knows this first-hand, but doesn't bring up her feelings. She then asks Sonetto if there's a reason to reject Matilda. Matilda is cute, energetic, and compassionate. What could go wrong? Sonetto tentatively agree. She thinks highly of Matilda too, but something is amiss. Sonetto hasn't realized she also has feelings for Vertin (she confuses her love with admiration). She accepts Matilda's proposal and the two start dating.

Vertin is happy for Matilda, yet a part of her is also heartbroken. Vertin hates this feeling because she already decided to let Sonetto go. Sonetto and Matilda share the same beliefs and they will always follow the Foundation (in her mind). They're both brilliant arcanists and they are a perfect match. There will come a time where Sonetto will have to leave her side regardless of Matilda's involvement, and so Vertin already prepared herself for another goodbye.

This is where Bkornblume comes in!

Bkorn knows about the situation before everyone else because of course she does. She congratulates Sonetto and Matilda in person, but in the evening she finds Vertin alone in her office and confronts her. "Are you really ok with this?" Vertin tells her it doesn't matter if she's ok or not; Sonetto is better off with Matilda. As Vertin's friend, Bkorn is livid but lends an ear instead of continuing to argue.

Here is where Sonetto and Vertin's paths begin to diverge.

Sonetto and Matilda are happy together, but there are times during their dates that Sonetto's mind wanders to Vertin. Vertin would love this. I wonder what Vertin is up to? Things like that. Vertin's always on the back of her mind, but Sonetto chooses to focus on her girlfriend. Sonetto is very loyal and devoted to Matilda and things progress between them. I want to reiterate that Sonetto really cares about Matilda and she's assuming her affection will grow into true love with time (Sonetto also kisses Matilda first. Matilda initiated, but got flustered so Sonetto met her half-way).

On Vertin's side, Bkorn has decided to treat her on a "date" too to cheer her up (and get her out of the Suitcase because Vertin mentioned that she sees Sonetto everywhere. It's like she's expecting to see her puppy run up to her every time she turns the corner). This "date" will also serve as a reason for them to speak one on one without interruption.

Bkorn was being silly, but Vertin mentions she's never really had a chance to go on a date before, at least not a proper one. Bkorn volunteers to take her on more. Vertin thinks she's joking again but Bkorn says she thinks Vertin needs to take time for herself and experience things. It doesn't have to be serious, just have fun. Life is too short, something they both know all too well. Vertin agrees but she's also worried because she doesn't know what to do. Bkorn reassures her. "Now is a great time for us to learn! We can figure it out together." Yeah, neither of them really know where to go from here but they match each other's vibes. Vertin cheers up a bit too. However, Secretkeeper is a secret from everyone else. Bkorn and Vertin don't want to attract attention since they're not really serious (put a pin in that and then throw it away because this is the only time i've written this out lol)

While the pairs become closer, Sonetto and Vertin grow more distant. Sonetto misses giving Greeting Kisses (Vertin put a stop to it out of respect for Matilda and Sonetto agreed that she had a point. No one wants to make ducky sad). Vertin misses Sonetto falling asleep against her shoulder and helping her with the daily crossword in the newspaper. They feel each other's absence in all the little things. Sonetto knows Vertin enough to tells she's hiding something, but not exactly what which also bugs her.

Relationship wise, Sonetto and Matilda move slow and steady, fumbling through intimacy together. They're both very comfortable with each other and progress step by step.

Bkorn and Vertin are kinda the opposite. Because of their situation, they're very direct about everything. This is especially true for Vertin because Bkorn encourages her to express things outwardly. However, she has no idea what she signed up for. Example:

Vertin is up late as usual and decides to share her thoughts instead of being alone with them (she knows Bkorn isn't asleep yet either), "Are we going to kiss at some point?"

"Do you want to?"

"Most couples do."

"But I'm asking if you want to. If you want a kiss, you'll get one."

"When?"

"Whenever you want."

"Now?"

Bkorn was not ready for this. "Vertin, it's 2am."

"Is that a bad time?"

"That depends on the kiss. Impress me or I'm not letting you sleep over again."

Vertin continues to sleepover after this.

They're whole...situationship (idk what to call it) is like that. Vertin and Sonetto learn things about themselves while they are with their partners. Matilda helps Sonetto get over the guilt she has when people do things for her. Sonetto finally understands that giving can also make the giver happy. Its ok to accept and receive love (screw that martyr mentality!) Naturally this also makes her think back to all the times she and Vertin squabbled about this very thing.

Vertin gets more vocal about her feelings too. She opens up about loss and grief and Bkorn helps her realize that one of the reasons she's very tactile is because she can confirm people's existence through touch. As someone who sees and hears people who no longer exist, physical touch can be a source of comfort. An almost addictive one that she didn't notice until Bkorn brought it up. Bkorn liked the attention, but she noticed a pattern in Vertin that concerned her. Normally Vertin's affection is random but sweet. She'll walk into the room, kiss her cheek or give her a hug, then return to whatever she was originally doing. They're pleasant surprises. However, after a meeting with the Foundation or during a heavy thunderstorm Vertin will always seek her out and it ends up being more than a kiss. The physical attention didn't bother Bkorn in the slightest, but Vertin's almost desperate antics worried her especially when she realized that it was because Vertin was hurting inside (reminder this is/was an "unserious" and "for funsies" situationship). Yes, I gave Vertin unhealthy coping.

Sonetto and Vertin are also doing things for their partners! It's not all one-sided. There's a point where Bkorn tells Vertin : "If I didn't know better, I'd assume you love me" in response to how Vertin treats her. Vertin genuniely wishes she could. She wants to love Bkorn but they both know Sonetto still has a grip on her.

Meanwhile Sonetto does everything from making breakfast to showering Matilda with attention (wife-netto). However, Matilda isn't stupid. She's been observing (stalking) Sonetto for years so she can tell something or rather someone is on her mind. However, she believes her love will win over Sonetto eventually. She must have faith.

Even though her divination showed her a sinking ship. It's one of the few times she hopes she is wrong.

From here on is a mess. As in, I don't know where we're going from here either.

I did have some ideas, but not very fleshed out.

Sonetto learns Vertin's secret when Vertin is injured during a mission (I'm always injuring her; this is the extent of my creativity). Sonetto insists on helping Vertin place healing ointment on the back of her shoulder. Vertin says its just a minor injury, but gives in when she sees how worried Sonetto is. She can't say no to that face. While Sonetto's applying the salve, she freezes at the the sight of a few other "injuries". Kiss marks as clears as day and light scratches. Sonetto starts slathering salve on them immediately to erase them, startling Vertin. She quickly realizes Sonetto is erasing the evidence Bkorn left behind, but doesn't mention it. She gives an awkward thanks and the two are super tense around each other after that.

Sonetto racks her brain to find out who the hell put there hands on Vertin and she confides in Matilda. Matilda is shocked, but she's happy (and relieved) Vertin found someone. Sonetto is still reeling, "But why would she hide that from us?" Matilda asks a question she wasn't ready for:

Why is she angry?

Sonetto can't answer. Is it because their friends and friends don't have secrets? No, Vertin always had secrets. That's just the way she is and Sonetto never had a problem with it...until now. She reflects on these ugly emotions and their source.

More stuff happens...idk if I can tie them in well so I'll just jump forward

She eventually suspects Bkornblume but she's still not sure what to do with that information even if she's right.

When Sonetto, Vertin and Bkorn are working together on some paperwork, Bkorn asks Vertin for coffee. Vertin scurries off immediately.

Sonetto asks why keeps bossing Vertin around. Bkorn takes no offense and explains that if she doesn't give Vertin something to do, Vertin will find something to do for her. Usually that means spending Sharpadonties (or stuff that would make Sonetto kill her if she found out). By making a simple request, Vertin can still fulfil her need to provide without going overboard. Since the need to give is part of Vertin, this is Bkorn's way of letting Vertin be herself but in a way that won't hurt her wallet. Vertin returns with freshly brewed coffee for everyone, not just Bkorn. Bkorn thanks her and Vertin lights up like a proud child. Vertin sits still and helps finish the rest of the work without running off to buy snacks or her usual antics. Sonetto remembers her talk with Matilda. She realizes that she could have done something similar to Bkorn because Vertin truly from the bottom of her heart wants to make the people happy. It's adorable--

Sonetto tells Matilda about her new discovery. Matilda gives her a defeated smile. She advises Sonetto to talk to Vertin one on one. It'll be better for both of them. Afterall, they're all friends here. They want what's best for each other. This time when Matilda kisses her, it feel different. Like a goodbye?

Sonetto can't sleep that night and ends up finding Vertin in the living room in her favorite armchair by herself. Vertin can't sleep because Bkorn had a similar talk with her (they've been talking about it because bkorn has feelings for Vertin but there's no room in her heart for her.)

Up until now Sonetto and Vertin have been somewhat tense around each other but Vertin can tell somethings bothering her. "What's wrong, Sonetto?"

This time, Sonetto has a request. "Can I hug you?"

Vertin bolts up and gives her one, "Are you alright?"

That's when Sonetto realizes how much she truly missed Vertin and how stupidly in love she is with her. And from here...

I don't think I settled on a proper conclusion so I just replay scenes in my head repeatedly. There are interactions with Vertin and Matilda too because they're friends. Really need this to be a proper triangle!

But thanks for sticking around until this point. I don't make many posts about ships aside from TK14 and Verneider so this exploded out of me. The repressed one was me the whole time.

#reverse 1999 #ask #vertin #sonetto #matilda #bkornblume #tk14 #vernetto #sonetilda #secretkeeper #love triangle shenanigans #fic ideas born to die #i have too many #i typed this entire thing in my violently pumpkin tumblr theme

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mysteryshoptls · 10 months ago

Text

SSR Lilia Vanrouge - Platinum Jacket Vignette

"Happy 100th Anniversary"

[Land of Dawning – National Museum of Art]

Lilia: Seeing all these paintings on display, unchanging from when they were painted hundreds of years ago… it sure does bring me joy.

Lilia: Ooh, that painting over there is of the Thorn Fairy's men!

???: The Thorn Fairy's men, huh… Were they really that strong?

Lilia: Epel, so you were checking out this painting too. Are you curious about them?

Epel: Ah, yes! I was thinking they're rather head-empty lookin'… I mean, they look real sweet!

Lilia: Mhm, they are adorable. And despite that, they would always be carrying their weapons so as to respond to the Thorn Fairy's whims immediately.

Lilia: That means they must have been wonderfully loyal and brave soldiers.

Epel: I see… They don't really look like it, but when you put it that way, I can kinda see how cool they are, I guess?

Lilia: Right, right? And it just goes to show how great the Thorn Fairy was to be able to command such men.

Epel: Aren't they just following her because they've pledged loyalty to her?

Lilia: You should take a good look at this picture. See how they're all just filled with character?

Lilia: It's actually extremely difficult to folks like them in line. Isn't it the same with the students in our school?

Lilia: Everyone's so self-confident, they just do as they please. Those that actually listen to others, or follow orders are actually in the minority.

Epel: Ahaha… I'm getting what you're saying, I think.

Epel: Now I wonder how the Thorn Fairy was able to keep her men in line, then.

Lilia: Kufufu… You're a student of Night Raven College, you should already understand.

Lilia: You get them to understand just who is in charge by a show of force! It's the simplest method.

Epel: True… So that basically means that her men followed her because she was super strong.

Lilia: Mhm. But even so, a show of force won't be able to garner true loyalty.

Lilia: The most important thing when leading a legion is to build a trusting relationship with your men.

Lilia: Trust can't just be achieved overnight. I'm sure the Thorn Fairy put in a lot of effort to get to this point, too.

Epel: "Build a trusting relationship," huh… How would you do it if it was you, Lilia-san?

Lilia: THE BEST WAY IS TO SHARE A MEAL TOGETHER!

Lilia: I've actually served meals to the other Diasomnia students, hand-made by me.

Lilia: Everyone was so moved that they were utterly speechless. They couldn't even bring themselves to touch it.

Lilia: When they finally ate it, there was a whole range of reactions, including some who laid themselves out on the dining table, or those who covered their face with their hands. There were some who even burst into tears.

Epel: Wow, your cooking must be amazing!

Lilia: Mhm! Once I set my hand to it, I can make any petulant kid fall in line.

Lilia: Ever since then, I've tried to make more home-cooked meals to try to deepen the relationship between our dormmates…

Lilia: But they would all band together, saying they don't want to trouble me. They're all such humble boys.

[Land of Dawning – National Museum of Art]

Lilia: This is a painting of the Sorcerer of the Sand's companion. His red and blue feathers are bright and vibrant.

Epel: Kinda unusual to have a parrot as a sidekick, huh.

Lilia: Mhm. However, this parrot is said to be able to perfectly imitate human voices and speech.

Lilia: I'm sure that alone was something of use to the Sorcerer of the Sands.

Lilia: Ahh～ how envious. I wish I had a special ability to do something like that.

Epel: Would there even be something worth changing voices for?

Lilia: There's a lot to choose from. The best way to use it would be…

Lilia: FOR A VIRTUAL AVATAR STREAM!

Epel: A virtual avatar stream…? What is that?

Lilia: Oh what, you don't know? Basically, people create avatars that represents them on the internet…

Lilia: And they use those avatars to promote their content of food reviews and let's plays of video games.

Lilia: I didn't know myself, until one of my online gaming buddies recommended it to me…

Lilia: But I think it would be cool to use an avatar to become a different person and chat away with my viewers.

Lilia: Don't you think it would be fun to see my cute little self stream videos in an avatar of a big, strong, burly man?

Epel: Does that mean… I could be strong and burly on the internet, too!?

Lilia: Oh, are you interested too, Epel? Then we should collaborate and both become buff streamers!

Epel: That could be fun! Oh, so this is what you were talking about when you said you wanted to change your voice to become another person?

Lilia: That's right. Normally, you'd need a voice changer to change your voice.

Lilia: But that is just a whole different hassle to deal with. Sounds like there's no end to the amount of equipment you might end up needing for it

Lilia: I keep thinking I'll ask my online gaming buddies who might know more about it, but I get so absorbed by our quest that I keep forgetting.

Lilia: I'd sure love it if I got super popular and was drowning in likes, subscribes, and superchats.

Epel: I don't really get it, but… I think it's fun to think about becoming someone you really want to be!

Lilia: Right? Although, I do have a wonderful voice, you know… It could be a terrible shame to hide it with a voice changer.

Lilia: And if I'm going to use my velvet voice, I guess my avatar should be good-looking to fit…

Lilia: But if I do that, then it wouldn't be much different than my real self… Hrrrm, what to do?

Lilia: Ah…! Does that mean streaming with my real face would be on the table too…!?

Lilia: If I did that, I wouldn't need a voice changer, or the ability to imitate voices. That might be the quick and easy way to solve it.

Epel: Eh, what happened to collaborating with each other using buff avatars!?

Lilia: Oh, right! Ah, I'm getting forgetful in my old age.

Lilia: Maybe I could have two different avatars? Kufufu, this is starting to tickle my want for a new kind of challenge again.

[Land of Dawning – National Museum of Art]

Lilia: This old woman… This is the Fairest Queen in disguise. This painting depicts the scene where she is handing an apple to a princess.

Lilia: Maybe you're more familiar with this painting than I, since you're a student in Pomefiore?

Epel: In the Shaftlands, there is a well-known story about how the Fairest Queen donned a disguise in order to hide her identity.

Epel: I think Vil-san was saying that there's actually a lot of different interpretations for why, but…

Epel: I wonder why the Fairest Queen chose to disguise herself as an old woman?

Epel: If she was just trying to hide her identity, she could have also just chosen a cool and ripped figure…

Lilia: Perhaps she didn't want to frighten the princess. A muscular physique can be overpowering sometimes…

Lilia: And if she is too beautiful, she would also be difficult to approach. So, maybe that's why she thought an old woman would be a good choice?

Epel: Hmmm. I never even thought about how it'd be hard to approach someone because they're "too beautiful."

Lilia: Well, that makes sense for you. Nevertheless, human thought process is both inconsistent and interesting.

Lilia: To tell you the truth, even I had a time in my life where which people would only stare from a safe distance…

Lilia: But then during my travels, sometimes I would get random freebies at markets by people who thought me just a "cute little boy."

Lilia: That's when I realized for the first time, that I AM SUPER CUTE!!

Lilia: Ever since then, I've made it a point to share my cute charm with everyone as much as possible.

Lilia: I'd get things like free carriage rides, or steep discounts while shopping… You do it too, don't you, Epel?

Epel: I don't!! Although, yeah, I have gotten free snacks while running errands before, sure, but…

Lilia: So you're able to reap the benefits without actually showing off…! Mhm, I still have much to learn.

Lilia: But don't count me out yet. Like, even after enrolling at Night Raven College…

Lilia: I'd have classmates who'd save me a seat in the cafeteria, or carry heavy luggage for me…

Lilia: Everyone was just fawning over me ☆

Epel: That's… Aren't they just mocking you, though!? It's like they're looking down on you, I'd never let that pass.

Lilia: Kufufu, you still have a lot to learn, too. There's no harm in using what's available to you.

Lilia: But that is all old news, anyway. The longer I've spent time on campus, the more people have learned the extent of my abilities.

Lilia: There were times that I've completely shut down students from other dorms who lazily tried to pick fights with me, too…

Lilia: By the next semester, everyone was treating me completely different.

Lilia: Now, I'm stuck as "Reliable Lilia-san." And I really just wanted to settle into the role as the "Cute Little Brother."

Epel: That means they all recognized you for your abilities, right? Lilia-san, you're so cool!

Lilia: Kufufu, my cuteness is supposed to be my selling point, but I guess it's not bad to be called cool, neither.

Epel: No way, being cool is much better! It's great to hear a story like that of what could be.

Epel: …Ah, it's gotten pretty late. I'm going to start checking out other exhibits.

Lilia: Mhm, see you. Okay, since Epel has wandered off, I think I'll just meander a bit… Hm?

Lilia: Oh this… This is a painting of fairies gifting blessing to a princess. Heh. I can't help but chuckle every time I see this painting.

Lilia: If they were to gift her blessings of happiness, then they should have gifted her the strength to break her own curse. And yet…

Lilia: They chose to give her beautiful looks, and a beautiful singing voice. What fools

Requested by Anonymous.

#twisted wonderland #twst #lilia vanrouge #epel felmier #twst lilia #twst epel #twst translation #twst birthday #mention: vil

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missmarveledsblog · 3 months ago

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It's only pretend right ? ( Bucky barnes x reader) part three

summary : kitty ( y/n) brings bucky to one of the spots in her life she can just breathe and take it all it , while the two enjoy the time alone soon realize that they been gone far too long get back only for bucky to take a tumble and learn more and more about her , he even get asked to bring her grandmother to church and a surprise shows up that makes her happy to be home

warnings : this is actually unlike me to have a tooth rotting fluff piece but i ain't mad at it , grammatical and spelling errors ( whats new)

previous part

Maybe it was the scenery , maybe it was the company or even it was the both that had her instantly more calm more settled , the fresh green grass , trees and fields as she passed by was something she did miss even though the compound was surrounded by some trees and stuff it wasn’t like this . it wasn’t the great outdoor of home she always looked forward to . The two stopped near the meadow just an hour from her house. She felt calmer being away from the judging gazes and comments, finally being able to breathe fully and it was like bucky could see the shift himself .

“ You know they have no idea about who you are,” he spoke up.

“I used to think they did , they used to make me doubt myself so much that when i was on my own I thought I was a disappointment so when i was left in big city i was afraid to come home, until I met fury , he showed me I was worth something then I came on to the team and even more, I mean my dad's side they're awesome they let me know i'm loved , they tell me all time that their proud of me” she smiled brightly.

“ I understand you more” he nodded “ huh ? “ she felt herself suddenly doubt kicking in.

“ Why you make everyone's day better, let them know their worth even when they don't themselves “ he smiled softly watching the horse move to the little river.

“ I make sure they never feel the way I once did, sorry also I didn't know dickface was here” she grumbled .

“ gotta be a specific doll” he chuckled .

“ Good one but I was talking about my ex,” she laughed.

“ He's the one who hurt you badly huh?” He knew of him , Knew it was bad but never pushed her to tell him .

“ he left me in new york two days after arriving found him with another girl when I went go get my stuff out of hotel room and he didn't care like they waited for me to leave” she scoffed.

“Well he never deserved you , he screams of what is it Parker says , small dick energy “ he mused as her laughter filled the meadow. The way the light hit her honestly looked like an angel,as he knew one week was gonna be hard , two was going to definitely kill him .

“You know I'm glad fury found me “ she sighed flopping on to the ground staring up at the clouds above.

“ As am I, you know you still never told me that story either” he flopped down beside her .

“ you make it through these days without killing my family or ex and well then I'll tell you both stories “ she giggled .

“ you got yourself a deal doll “ he held his hand out as she took it, sealing their deal

“ so Is this your spot , you know that one spot that everyone has to feel free , The one that is just for them ” he asked, eyes watching her reaction.

“ It's one of them only Jessie knows my real spot, the one I went to as a kid when they would visit or when I had a tough time, he’s the oldest and in the army but he got leave so be here tomorrow ” she smiled softly.

“ Are you two close?” he asked .

“ He was the first best friend I've ever had and the first person I rang when I got both jobs then my dad” she smiled.

“ I mean I love izzy and jack to death and we’re close too, we bond over different things , she is closer to Jack ,twin thing “ she explained . He could listen to her rambles even for hour , days even and not get tired of sound of her voice .

“ I get what you mean doll” he held her hand and two just looked up at sky enjoying the comfortable silence. She even had a nap before the buzzing of her phone startled her seeing the sun setting .

“ shit mama texting to say it almost time for dinner” she yawn as he stood holding his hand out for her to take pulling her up . “ just us and grandma “ she added .

“ the evil one?”.

“ The devil lady , she ain't so bad I mean she's quiet and grumpy and judges everything most of the time and ignores everyone. My dad convince she sold her soul to the devil to live forever hence the nickname , she’s had a few close calls ” she chuckled easily mounting her horse as bucky got up on the moon easier.

“ I would say race you but this one is too far gone” he chuckled as she walked a head and moon followed.

“ I'll see if I can keep you guys together” she cooed to the horses .

The sun completely set as the two pulled back up on the ranch. All the cars were gone meaning they were gone too .

“ I can't believe this,” her dad stared as they approached.

“ What are you about, old man?” she laughed.

“ the rebel stallion walking like a show pony , you know he bucked Jack off” he said coming to the two .

“ he's misunderstood , hard at trusting but once he does , big softy plus jack in the box is annoying “ she giggled, flickering a glance towards the man beside her.

“ We think he's after star too “ bucky patted the stallion not realizing he was going to sneeze once horse head went down bucky tumble after hitting the ground with a thump.

“ shit bucky you ok “ she hopped down so quickly honestly her father never seen her move so fast .

“ is it dark enough that neither of you saw that” he groaned, eyes not wanting to open.

“ it not even dark enough to hide the red of your cheeks son” her dad's hand slipped into Bucky's, pulling him off the ground.

These two stay together from now on , you get in and rest that was quite a fall I'll check you over once I get these settled “ she called back .

“ come on son we get you in “ her dad led the super soldier in suppressing his laughter.

“ Are you ever gonna tell her how you feel?” he asked. “ I mean we're together “ he panicked.

“ I may be old but I ain't dumb , plus the team clued me in “ he chuckled .

“ steve?” He asked .

“ he and Natasha , they rang three nights ago” , his words making Bucky stop.

I only found out last night.” His brows furrowed.

“ she only found out that morning” he winked, heading into the house leaving the door open once the super soldier let the words sink in.

“Come on before she kicks both our asses,she a cute little thing but shit never get wrong side of kitty ” he walked faster into the house as bucky followed .

“ about time … wheres kitty “ her mother turned to see two men .

” Bucky here took tumble off the moon so she gone get them set for night while I checked over lover boy here” he patted the man's vibranium arm .

“ shit” bucky huffed.

“ What's broken , we ain't got insurance for that '' her dad said his first proper look at the metal arm he's only ever seen in pictures.

"Nah the plates and calibration is out of whack ,makes it off” he explained lifting the glasses up and instantly smashing it. “ I can feel pressure with it “ he winced as they jumped at the sound of glasses shattering .

“ hey who’s making a mess in here” she walked in seeing their worried expressions set on bucky .

What's wrong, do we need to go to the hospital?” she rushed in front of the man. Eyebrows furrowed as her face laced with worry checking him over.

“ my arm just acting up” he smiled softly loving the doting attention she was giving him .

“ Pop, can you get my tools please?” she asked softly .

“ You need to take the arm off , I can clear the table” her mother rushed over .

“ No, he doesn’t easily do it while on so he can feel it’s in the right balance” she shook her head . Bucky couldn’t help laughing when her father pushed in the heavy trolley neon purple in color.

“ nice choice color doll” he winked making her chest flush.

“ Jessie and Jack got them for me” she rolled her eyes .

“ She and my dad used to fix cars when she was growing up , little tiny thing picked quickly. I mean she was fixing engines to her daddy’s machines at 10” her mother chuckled.

“ Ok, you ready buckaroo?” she asked, opening the trolley.

as i’ll ever be” he saluted with his other hand.

Her parents watched as she was lost in her task. It was like watching her as a kid working with her grandfather again. While bucky was lost in her , just the presence of her alone. “ ok …more or less” she asked as he flexed the metal appendages.

“ nearly there a little more” . He loved when she was this close, how he could see every detail of her face, little freckles that littered her cheeks, how he could enjoy the full beauty of the color of her eyes. When the tip of her tongue peaked out when she was fully concentrating on a task.

” ok how's that” she asked.

“ Perfect thanks doll” he kissed her cheek .

“ y-y-your welcome , food time” she turned so fast she felt dizzy but she was sure if it was his lips or smell of his cologne , the way she had to force her eyes to stay on task at hand or get lost in his beauty but boy did her knees feel weak.

“ kitty dear, could you get me a blanket” her grandmother asked .

“ Yes grandma, which one ?” she asked softly.

“ surprise me dear” she let a little smile on face.

“ She needs to teach me to do that,” her father whispered to bucky.

“ Mama is always sweet to the grandkids” her mother rolled her eyes.

“Mr Barnes, would you bring me to the church tomorrow? '' the elderly woman asked face showing nothing .

“ I can indeed ma’am” he nodded .

“ Mama, he doesn’t know where it is, '' her mother protested.

“ They got computers for that , thank you mr. barnes'' she nodded before bowing her head, not waiting any longer saying her own grace and tucking into her food .

“your immortal right” her dad Frank teased.

“ Why, '' Bucky asked.

“ Don’t mind him '' Beth's eyes rolled, swatting her husband as Y/N walked in with a flowery blanket.

“ Perfect dear, thank you, '' her grandmother cooed. '' Bucky is taking me to church tomorrow” she added as the woman froze while sitting down.

“ He doesn’t know where it is , we don't have a car here” she began.

“ your fathers car and he’ll find the way” she dismissed easily.

“ good luck, you know what buckaroo it was nice meeting you ” she gave him thumbs up dodging her mother swatting her .

Once dinner was done and everyone was retired for the night, Bucky found her sitting on the porch looking up at the skies .

“ i was wondering where you went to , nat is wanting to facetime” he held his phone up .

“ ok park that ass” she patted the spot beside her. What they weren’t expecting was the team sitting in the living room, even Tony .

“ Hey you two, how did the first day go” nat asked .

“ he survived the first day with the vultures” she joked.

“ I went horse riding too,” Bucky beamed.

“ fell off the horse too” she burst out laughing .

“ last time i was one was the 40’s” he rolled his eyes but didn’t hide his loving glance at her laughing.

“ Two weeks guys” she said as they all looked away from the camera.

“ you haven’t had your vacation yet and neither has the cyborg so yes two weeks pretty girl” sam sassed.

“ Hey little pyro you haven’t seen my black card have you” tony asked arching his brow.

“ Remember that hug?” she asked .

“Little shit , buy anything good even? ” he asked, chuckling.

“ nah not yet might buy my horse a new saddle you know the luxury brand” she mused playfully.

“ Her little accent is so cute , you can hear it more,” Wanda cooed.

“ I dont have one , anyway funny find out you got my parents involved in the ploy” she asked softly.

“ you both need a break ok so shut up and enjoy it , not much happening here anyways” nat rolled her eyes.

“ I mean it is good to be home , just can’t wait til the rest of them leave, especially dick face” she huffed.

“ What is your brother thinking?” Nat crossed her arms.

“Honestly jack doesn’t think” a gruff voice called, making her head shoot right up.

“ JESSIE” She ran off the steps, almost knocking the man to the ground.

“ her older brother is here i’ll ring you guys later” bucky hung up before standing up.

“ Hey kitty, good to see you,” he smiled, holding her tighter to him .

“You're supposed to be here tomorrow” she sniffled.

“Hey they best be happy tears” he pulled her into a hug.

“ very happy tears i missed you so much” she almost climbed into his arms .

“ sergeant barnes” he saluted while still holding his sister close to him .

“corporal” he saluted back .

“ Are you being safe?” she asked, checking him over.

“ I should be asking you that,” he arched his brow.

“ I'm safe,” she smiled, wiping the tears from her eyes.

“Sorry you had to deal with them today” he smiled sadly knowing his own family.

“ s’okay i mean dad was there” she shrugged.

“ They give her a hard time?” He looked to bucky.

“ hey i’m right here i can handle it , how long's the leave for” she asked.

“ It was a bit harsh,” Bucky smiled sadly.

“ dickface saying anything? And I got two weeks, funny that ? ” he asked.

"No, I mean anytime he did Helen answered, even though she doesn’t like him and I didn't influence your leave ” she giggled.

“ Jack just thinks her family should be there , her parents are gone so he’s all she has” Jessie rolled his eyes still not liking it hell he almost left his post to get her in NewYork when he found out.

“ Come on mama and papa haven’t been in bed long” she pulled the men into the house , she and bucky stood on the landing watching the reunion. She grabbed his arm when she saw her mother crying at the sight of her son making him move his arm lacing his fingers in hers .

“I'm glad i didn’t miss this” she whispered seeing how happy her parents were.

“ Me too,” he smiled, eyes locked on her , seeing how happy she was.

part 4

taglist : @vicmc624

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builtbybrokenbells · 6 months ago

Text

Melodic Memories | Track 1: Wild Horses - The Rolling Stones

In a tattered old box shoved deep down in the corner of an overfilled closet, a lifetimes worth of memories lie dormant at the bottom waiting to be rediscovered.

Masterlist

Pairing: Jake Kiszka x f!reader

Word Count: 15k

Warnings: angst, crying, heartbreak, high school breakups, divorce, estranged parent/strained parental relationship, depression, high school drama, anxiety, mentions of drinking, mentions of hookups/one night stands, unrequited love, PTSD mentions/explanations of reactions and behaviours due to PTSD, mentions of addiction/drugs, smoking, swearing, best friend fluff, sorry if i miss any!

Here we go!! I’m so excited to share this. this story is very near and dear to my heart as all of these songs are very special to me in one way or another. I will warn this is a bit of a slowburn, and there’s a lot of flashbacks/memories in the chapters to showcase the extent of the relationship between the characters. As always, be kind, enjoy, and don’t mind any grammar mistakes 🤍 I can’t wait to hear what you guys think

I usually have a listen while reading section, and it’s mostly a suggestion, but it’s imperative that you listen to the song stated in the title at least before reading, as every chapter is directly related to each one. If that’s not your thing, at least give the lyrics a quick read over! Much love 🫶🏻

SIX YEARS LATER

“Holy fuck, you have a lot of stuff.” Your best friend let out a dramatic huff as she dropped an overflowing box to the ground. You looked back at her over your shoulder, letting out a small chuckle as she pushed her long hair away from her forehead. She was tired, that much was obvious, and so were you. Still, despite your aching bodies and worn down minds, the two of you persevered with faith that the end goal would be worth all of the suffering.

“So do you.” You reminded her, folding a t-shirt and setting it neatly atop a pile of clothes you had been focused on. “Don’t hear me complaining about it.”

“Yeah, as if.” She scoffed. You could hear the roll of her eyes in her tone, striking a small smile on your face as she took a step towards you. “All you do is complain.”

“Yeah, ‘cause it pisses you off.” You grinned, grabbing an old pair of jeans from the mound of clothes you pulled from your closet. You looked over the tired material, your lips turning down into a frown as you tossed them into a pile on the ground, knowing there was no sense in keeping them when they looked one wear away from disintegrating.

“I’m kidding, you know that.” She assured you, making it clear that she wasn’t truly as upset as her words seemed. She began moving another box from your bed to the hallway, huffing as she bargained with the weight of the item. She was stacking them outside your door to allow for some more space inside the already tiny room.

Despite the smallness and the outdated decor, it felt nice to be back, sleeping on the same comfortable mattress you’d grown so used to when you lived at home. In truth, the lack of space was mostly credited to your oversized bed; you had begged your mom for a king size, asking for it for every Christmas and birthday from the ages of ten to sixteen until she finally cracked and made the purchase. Turns out, it was a great purchase, because six years and a graduate degree later, you and your best friend were sharing it while you prepared to move into your own apartment a few towns over.

You had traveled to Mel’s hometown almost a month prior, tearing apart her childhood bedroom just the same as you were doing to your own. You packed boxes full of her belongings, spending some quality time with her parents while learning and laughing about the funniest of all her childhood stories. Just like her, her parents were fun, free spirited and more accepting than even you could comprehend. They took you in with open arms, extending their gratitude for loving their daughter so dearly while she was so far away from home.

In truth, the pleasure was all yours, because in your six years at university, you felt as though Mel was the reason that you not only survived, but flourished. The two of you clicked instantly when you met, finding each other during your first week of freshman year in an intro to classic literature class. You bonded over your mutual dislike for your monotone professor who had to make an effort to be so disinterested in her own syllabus, and from there, the rest was history.

“You know, I actually liked Jane Eyre before I took this class.” You muttered under your breath, casting a sideways glance at the girl sitting next to you.

Her dirty blonde hair hung over her face, her eyes focused on a piece of empty paper in an unused notebook as she clutched a black pen in her hand. Every time the professor would switch slides on her PowerPoint, she would jump to write something down, but stop once she realized that once again, the gray haired woman was spewing nothing of significance.

Her skin was sunkissed, like she had spent all summer on the beach (or in a tanning bed—who were you to judge?), and her clothes were cute, but comfortable. Her brown eyes flickered to meet yours, her head turning ever so slightly to give you a glimpse of her face through her thick locks of wavy hair. The warmth within them was familiar, like you had seen them before in someone else you loved so dearly. You swallowed hard, forcing the thought out of your head. You were nervous, yet still excited at the thought of making a new friend, wondering if your words held any value to her, or if she would tell you to shut up.

Since moving to town, you hadn’t found one person you clicked with. You met lots of rich boys who threw their money in your face in hopes of convincing you to sleep with them, and plenty of girls who turned their nose up at your jeans with holes in the knees. They all looked like they stepped out of a magazine, and you felt completely out of place as you tried to break free from your small town habits. You dressed the same as you did in senior year, barely understanding how to be a university student and definitely lacking in the fashion department. You wore makeup to parties, but never anywhere else, mostly because in the years prior, you never felt the need to impress anyone.

Your long term relationship in high school left you more than secure with yourself, happy if you were comfortable and confident without any external aids. Now that he wasn’t by your side, you realized just how dearly he loved you, because without a pristine outward appearance, all of the university-goers seemed to turn their heads as you walked by. You had yet to find anyone to make friends with, and definitely no romantic interests as you tried to mend the hole in your heart that formed when you left your boyfriend behind to start anew. You were lonely, and more importantly, desperate to find someone to talk to.

“UPenn, Ivy League with a 7% acceptance rate and an English program better than any of their competitors, if you survive it.” She cracked a small smile, keeping her voice hushed as she joined in on the joke. “Only place in the world you can pay 20k a year for someone to put you to sleep.” You bit down on your lip, forcing yourself to swallow back the laugh stuck in your throat. You had sat beside the unnamed girl for your first three classes of the semester, but never found the courage to speak to her until that moment. She was the first person you had met that radiated a bit of life, something unique and alluring in her eyes that you couldn’t quite place. More than that, when you looked at her, you felt an overwhelming sense of familiarity. You were incredibly appreciative that she reciprocated any of your efforts at all.

“I think she put herself to sleep on Wednesday.” You confessed, recalling her slumped posture as she sat at her desk, waiting too long to engage in the group discussion after assigning an individual comprehension activity.

“Think she’s on her way there now, actually.” The girl nodded towards the front, suppressing a grin as she noticed the professor's drooping eyelids and extended bout of silence. The two of you shared a silent giggle, shaking shoulders and hurting bellies as you used all of your energy to silence yourselves in fear of getting caught. “I’m Mel, by the way.” She said, introducing herself after she calmed herself down.

“Y/N.” You replied, feeling better than you had in days. It felt nice to laugh, especially with someone who seemed to adorn the same sense of humour as your own. “Mel… is that short for Melanie? Or are you just ‘Mel’, cause that would be cool. Mysterious, even.”

“Neither, actually.” She chuckled, shifting in her seat so she was facing you a little better. “It’s short for ‘Mélange’, which is the stupidest fucking name I’ve ever heard.” She gave you a moment to digest the fact before explaining further, noticing your curious eyes as you held back another laugh. “My parents had me young, during their hippy-dippy era when they smoked too much weed and dressed like they were headed to Woodstock. Apparently it means ‘a mixture of dissimilar elements’, because I was made from different parts of them, or whatever. To me, it sounds like a really weird way of saying they had sex, and I really don’t think it meant that much to them back then. Probably just wanted to be the first to name their kid something, then realized how ridiculous it sounded so they had to come up with a story about it.”

“That’s… cool, though.” You stifled another laugh, finding her expression comedic as she rehashed the same story she used to explain her name every time someone asked.

“Yeah, cool unless it’s your own. Try growing up with that name and trying to survive the American public school system.” She shuddered at the thought, but a smile still lingered on her lips, telling you that she truly didn’t care that much anymore. “What about you? Your name short for anything, or are you just cool like that?”

From there, the title of best friends went without question. You did everything together, ranging from schoolwork to trips to the grocery store, hating the thought of being apart even while doing the most mundane tasks. You had made a pact to live together after graduation, unable to digest the idea of being apart when your university days ended, and you took the promise seriously. Since then, you did everything you could to ensure it happened, including travelling to her home state to pack up her shit so long as she promised to help you with yours. You both decided to go in the direction of teaching with your degrees, so you thought that if you lived together, you even had a shot of getting hired at the same school. Though, she seemed more keen on teaching younger students, and you leaned more towards high school.

There was lots still up in the air, especially without a solid job offer in line, but the two of you were determined to make it work, knowing that if you had each other, you could get through anything. Your mom was enough of a saint to house the two of you while you figured your shit out, and that’s what you were doing; packing, reminiscing, applying, and enjoying your life before things got too hectic again.

Despite it being manual labour, you quite enjoyed the experience of packing up your belongings, even though it did feel a bit melancholic at times. With every item you picked up, you were reminded of memories you’d shoved so far down that they were nearly forgotten. Although not all of them were the best, they were still important, and they showed you how far you had come when sometimes it felt like you made no progress at all. Mel was having a fantastic time for a whole different reason, finding your dramatic retelling of stories greatly comedic, and getting her first pick at the clothes you were planning on donating.

Being back at home with your family was different than it was all those years ago. Your mom, who had finally come to terms with the fact you were an adult, drank wine with you both in the evening as she got to know your best friend beyond what the surplus of FaceTime calls allowed over the years. You went on errands with her when you wanted to get away from packing, and enjoyed the things you once took for granted. Some nights, when she found herself a little too tipsy and reminiscent on the years that passed so quickly, she sat before you, weepy-eyed as she professed how proud she was of you. You felt like you were learning a whole new side of her, rather than the strict but loving one you knew all of that time ago. She was a woman who hurt and cried just as much as you did, who always put her kids first and held herself together when she was falling apart, just for the sake of being the rock in the house. You found yourself growing a whole new respect and a whole different kind of love for her, and you were grateful for the opportunity to see it.

Your younger sister, who was also staying at home for the summer, found herself hanging out in your room more often than not. There was much less arguments over who was spending more time in the bathroom, and no more mean words shared between the two of you that once flew so fast. In the early hours of the night, you finally had the chance to have the heart-to-hearts you missed out on when you were angry at each other over nothing important. She had grown up just as much as you had, and it almost pained you to see a woman standing in the shoes of the little girl you best knew her as.

Being in your hometown was different, and you had spent little time there since your studies began. Mostly for a few days during the holidays, and rarely any other time. When Mel pitched the idea of moving out of dorms and into an apartment, the visits grew much less frequent and when they did happen, it wasn’t usually for very long. You didn’t have many friends left in Frankenmuth, if any at all. The town was strange, a former village in which you had built a life that was now completely abandoned. Shops you used to love closed down for good and replaced with something new, old hideaways being changed into modern corporate hellscapes. Every year, there seemed to be new buildings lining the streets and different faces regularly appearing on sidewalks. It was home, for sure, but nowhere near as comfortable as it used to be. When you blundered around the town, you felt like a stranger visiting for the first time, learning everything all over again.

“Hey,” Mel caught your attention, pulling a cork board from your closet that had pictures tacked to the surface and small paper decorations in between. “Ms. Fishers sixth grade graduation!” She exclaimed, pointing to the banner of cardstock paper tacked to the top, the letters outlined with black sharpie and filled in with coloured marker. You laughed at the sight, realizing you hadn’t seen that board in years as you stepped towards her.

“That’s me!” You exclaimed, pointing to you standing in the mini-graduation gown at the very end of the front row. The class picture was sweet, but it made you wonder where everyone else in the class ended up. After all these years, were they nearing twenty five with no clue where they were headed, just like you? Or were they settled down with families, finding full time jobs and building lives with the people they loved?

The thought was saddening to you, making you realize how far away you were from getting to that point. A relationship was laughable, barely mentioning marriage and kids. In your six years of university, you had your fair share of hookups and flings, but never anything serious. You couldn’t seem to find anyone who you connected with further than physical attraction, and certainly nobody you would be willing to spend your life with. So far, the only compatible relationship for living was the girl standing next to you, and you were certain at some point, she would be ready to move on to something different.

“Look at this,” you stepped past her, grinning as you grabbed a cowboy hat from one of the handmade shelves at the top of your closet. Your dad, when he was still a good dad, made it for you so you could have some extra space. You placed the hat on your head, tilting it downwards over your face as you struck a pose. The dollar store gemstones you hot glued to the top glimmered under the light, making the sight even more ridiculous.

“What is that?” She asked, caught in a fit of laughter as she looked at the poorly decorated hat.

“I got really into spirit days at school.” You shrugged, tossing the hat in the pile of throwaway items.

“Loser.” She muttered, reaching for an old sports jacket suspended on a hanger. “Volleyball?” She questioned, raising an eyebrow as she read the words embroidered on the back.

“Yeah, tenth grade and never again. Coach was a bitch.” You explained, reaching for it to see if it still fit. As you made a move to slip it over your shoulders, you froze in place, knowing that even if it did fit, you would never wear it again. Instead, you threw it in the pile of clothes you were planning to drop off at the thrift store.

“Oh, cool!” You exclaimed, a shiny trophy catching your eye, hidden in the back corner of the top shelf. You brought it down, flashing it in her direction so she could read the gold panel.

“1st place…. Frankenmuth Middle School Relay?” She asked, unsure of what the award was for.

“Big race we used to do at the end of the year. Think the teachers got sick of lesson planning, so they brought us to the soccer field to do a bunch of activities. I was the fastest in the class that year.” You said, proud of the achievement as you placed it back upon the shelf.

“Is this a diary?” She asked, hauling an old leather bound book from a stack of papers and magazines.

“Yes,” you cackled, snatching it from her hands and flipping it open to a random page. “Let’s see… April 30th, 2010.” You cleared your throat for dramatic effects, beginning to read the entry aloud. “Today, in English class, Liam S. was totally checking me out. He’s definitely not the cutest guy in the class, but he’s funny, and he’s so nice. I hope he asks me to the spring dance, mom got me a new dress and everything!”

“And did Liam S. sweep you off your feet that night?” She asked, pulling her hands to her heart as she let out an airy sigh.

“No, but we did date.” You explained. “For three weeks, until I broke up with him for rating me too low on a hot or not list.”

“What!?” She exploded, her voice shrill as an echoing laugh boomed through the room.

“Yeah, apparently I only had the fourth best ass in the class.” You scoffed, quickly reading a little further into the book. You used to sit in your bedroom for hours at night, pouring your heart out on to the paper just for it to be forgotten in a mess of items in your room. “It’s funny, you know. I used to carry this thing with me everywhere, and I barely even remembered it existed.”

“Yeah, there was lots of stuff that I did the same thing with. Used to be a prized possession, now they just collect dust on a shelf somewhere.” She muttered, pulling out a large box sitting in the back corner. “And for the record, I bet you had the best ass out of anyone at that school.” She clarified, plopping the cardboard down on your mattress.

“No, I definitely didn’t.” You laughed, looking to the door as you heart a small pitter-patter of paws against the linoleum floor. The jingle of the bell around the collar signified your suspicions were correct, and when a fuzzy head peeked around the corner, you greeted him with excitement. “The man himself, Blizzard of Ozz: Prince of Fucking Darkness!” You exclaimed, watching as the tubby black cat raised his tail and rubbed himself up against the doorframe. He let out a meow in response to your voice, happily trotting over to greet you.

“Don’t call him by his full name unless he does something wrong!” Mel scolded, reaching down to pick him up as he rubbed against her leg. “He won’t take us seriously if we use it all the time.” She plopped him down on the bed, the sound of his purring loud enough to reach both of your ears. He sniffed around the boxes a few times, nudging his face against the corner of the cardboard flaps to investigate the item taking up his place on the mattress.

“I don’t think he ever really takes us seriously, Mel.” You furrowed your brows together, looking from her to the small animal curiously meandering around the bed. “He gets treats and new toys every day, and we kiss him on the head after we scold him because we feel too bad about it.”

“Right, so don’t give away the last bit of power we have left.” She said, fixing the tag on his collar that somehow adorned his entire name in small print.

The cat was spoiled, loved so wholly and deeply by the two of you that sometimes you believed he was in charge. After a particularly rough exam week in your second last year of school, the two of you took a break from studying and took a walk downtown to clear your mind. You stopped at a coffee shop a few blocks away from your apartment building, where you found him, keeping content by playing with empty coffee cups in the nearby alleyway. Being two kindhearted people, you couldn’t bear the thought of leaving him behind. Within two weeks, he had made himself at home in your apartment, and not long after that, in your hearts, too. He went with you on every adventure; his harness being on more often than not. He tagged along in every road trip, and neither of you ever thought once about leaving him behind as you moved across the country again.

He was a witty and clever little thing, always sneaking into places he shouldn’t be and never allowing himself to go unnoticed. The minute you stepped in a room, he was squeaking at you to pet him, and never did he allow either of you to sit alone on the couch. He took turns sleeping with the both of you, and was happier than ever now that you shared a bed and he didn’t have to pick.

And yes, his full name was The Man Himself, Blizzard of Ozz: Prince of Fucking Darkness.

Oftentimes, Ozz sufficed.

The cat actually went unnamed for quite some time after you brought him home. Neither of you seemed keen on the names being suggested, so for a while, he went by ‘Mr. Man.’ Or some odd arangement of classic terms of endearment that got stranger by the day. Then, when the two of you found yourselves a little too high off some weed you bought from an upperclassman, the name made its first appearance. You both took turns rambling ridiculous titles for him, until you took a leap of faith and rattled off the first thing you thought of when Crazy Train played from your Bluetooth speaker. The laughing was so intense it brought the both of you to tears, and from there, it seemed to stick.

Now, you couldn’t think of a better name to call him, even if it was a little ridiculous.

Careful not to disturb him, Mel reached forward into the box, lifting a few items from it. Ozz busied himself by chewing on the cardboard flap, not privy to the woman beside him at all. “What’s all this stuff?” She asked, looking over a few sheets of Monopoly money, a cracked mirror from the dollar store, and a deck of playing cards.

“That must be the stuff I cleared out of my locker in senior year.” You said, turning your head downwards and peeking inside. “Yeah, it definitely is.” You confirmed, pulling out a set of string lights with a battery pack attached. “It’s all junk, you can throw it out.” You dismissed it, ready to move on to something new.

“Are you sure?” She asked, looking between you and the box with great hesitancy. You casted another sideways glance, your lips pursing together as you wondered if it was worth your time.

Something in your heart told you not to jump so fast, to think about it a moment longer before discarding the memories away so easily. You tried not to be a sentimental person, because you found that sentiments only seemed to hurt you rather than bring you comfort. You used to be that type of person, so many moons ago when life was simple and the most you had to worry about was a surplus of homework and no pocket change to spend. Now, you thought it was ridiculous, and you did everything you could to draw a line between memories and objects. Items could not hurt, just the same as they could not be happy. They were objects, inanimate and unable to mean more than what you made them to be.

But there was something about that fucking box, like it was fate for you to rediscover all the things that awaited you inside.

“Let’s go through it.” You said, changing your mind as your skin prickled with curiosity. The emotion that took hold was unfamiliar, confusing and unsettling when you thought about throwing it away. It washed over you so quickly that you couldn’t even think of anything else, and you wondered if you were the very thing psyching yourself up for nothing, or if there was a reason you felt such a pull to the old items inside.

You sat on the side of your bed, your hands landing on the very corners as you gripped at the soft sheets lining the mattress. As you did so, a twang of hurt filled your chest, passing almost as soon as it came. You blinked hard, your eyes wandering the room as you tried to comprehend the sudden change in yourself. Your eyebrows furrowed together, your mind racing as you looked at the old chestnut dresser that stood next to the door, standing prominently against the crimson paint on the walls. The scene was so familiar, just like the melancholic emotion that came along with it. The hurt in your heart seemed right as you sat on the edge of your bed, but you didn’t know why.

“Are you okay?” Mel asked, also noticing the shift in your demeanor. Your head snapped towards her, your eyes glossy with the feeling that plagued you, but you nodded your head and tried your hardest to snap yourself out of it.

“Yeah, just a nasty little bit of deja-vu, I think.” You breathed, your eyes wandering back to the empty door frame. Whatever your brain wanted you to remember was pertinent to you, but you couldn’t seem to put it together yet. You felt like you’d been in the exact position before, but you couldn’t place it.

“I get it,” she empathized, taking a seat next to you and placing the box on the floor in front of her. “It’s a lot seeing all of your old stuff, like a lifetime you’ve completely forgotten about.”

“Yeah,” you laughed, the sound airy and forced. “I haven’t thought about high school in so long that it kind of just seems like a different world, now. I kind of forced myself to stop thinking about it, because it hurt too bad, you know? And I guess after a while, I blocked it out completely.” She knew what you meant, because in the entire time you’d known her, you had been unreasonably stingy with stories from your high school days. Every time she mentioned it, you seemed to go to a different place entirely, like you were using all of your energy to ensure the memories wouldn’t resurface. She respected you enough not to ask, but it was impossible to run away from now that you were standing face to face with the very things you tried so hard to stay away from.

“We don’t have to go through this, if you don’t want to.” She assured you, watching your face as your eyes fluttered towards the box.

“I do and I don’t.” You tried your best to explain how you felt, hesitant to reach out and explore the items before you, but gutted at the prospect of throwing it in the trash. “I feel like I’ve grown so much and I’m so different, and I don’t need to see any of this stuff again, but there’s something telling me I have to look through it all, that if I don’t, I’m going to regret it for the rest of my life.” She bargained with your words before she responded, carefully considering all you had to say.

“Seems like you’re looking for something, but you don’t know what it is.” She offered the idea with a shrug of her shoulders.

“Yeah, maybe.” You muttered, finally harnessing enough courage to reach forward and sort through the mess of items.

Underneath a pile of loose papers, you found your old graduation cap. You held it in your hands, your fingers drifting over the silky, light blue fabric. You let your hand drift downward, running through the red threads of the tassel that dangled from the top. You placed it to the side, finding little comfort in the item at all. Below that lay a tattered AP Biology textbook, the front cover frayed and littered with marks from the students who used it before (and remembered to return it). There was an old pencil case stuffed to the brim with writing utensils and erasers. When you pulled it open, you found a folded up note from a fellow friend that was much too faded to read.

The more you pulled out, the stronger the tugging in your heart felt. Photographs of you and your old friends, bent and torn, floated loosely around the box. You took the time to study every one of them, saddened at how estranged you’d become from them. You didn’t talk to anyone from your hometown, and although you thought cutting contact was for the best, it only seemed to hurt as you recalled the sleepovers and adventures you engaged in with people who didn’t know you any longer. It all hurt.

Why did it hurt so fucking bad?

Sitting on the edge of the bed, boxes packed and the lingering scent of your mother’s favourite lavender candle hanging thick in the air. The chestnut boards of the dresser that once stored your entire wardrobe, the tile underneath your feet, impossibly cold despite the summer heat radiating through the panel windows by your bedside. Reruns of Dr. Phil on the television downstairs, the hum of a song stuck in your head despite no tune playing at all.

You’ve been here, in this exact position, hurting over something with the same fervor as you felt in the moment. It was so far away. Why couldn’t you remember?

For once, six years after leaving the town, you were aching to remember the memories and the love that was contained within the walls of the home, but you couldn’t. You pushed it so far away that the life you once led in Michigan no longer felt like your own. It was hazy, fuzzy around the corners every time you tried to recollect a scene. The voices were warbled, echoing somewhere deep behind your eyes and not quite loud enough to reach your ears.

Why did you try so hard to forget? Why did you force it away so desperately?

Then, the world stopped.

No person beside you, no curious cat nudging your hand. Dr. Phil had gone silent, and the air wasn’t even filled with the sweet notes of vanilla laced in unison with lavender. The creaks and groans of the old house ceased to exist, and the mattress below you disintegrated to nothing. You were stuck, frozen in time, floating amidst a cloud of smoke that wouldn’t clear. Your lungs burned for air, your heart threatening to explode under the weight of emotion. Your mind was repeating the same thing over and over again, incessantly reminding you, forcing you to remember everything you had hidden away in hopes of closure.

Instead of your voice, it was his, saying the same words that were written in silver sharpie on the lid of the tiny, black shoebox.

So let’s make it last.

“Oh, god.” You wheezed out the words, feeling like you were suffocating from the plethora of pain encasing your body. In an instant, six years spent dedicated to forgetting suddenly dissolved into one, terrifying storm of reminiscing.

The box.

That’s why you couldn’t throw it away.

“What is wrong, Y/N?” Mel asked, urgent as if she’d already asked a hundred times.

Little to your knowledge, she had, but you were too busy listening to the sweet sound of Jake Kiszka’s voice, stored so pristinely in the deepest depths of your mind.

“The shoebox.” You squeaked, raising a shaky finger to point her attention towards the poorly painted over Vans logo.

“So, what? What is it?”

What is it? It was everything.

It was a box full of love, sealed so long ago and hidden away for safekeeping when you couldn’t part from the physical reminders of the boy who forever had your heart. It was years worth of memories, years worth of emotion you hadn’t let yourself feel since you locked it away.

“That should be everything, my love.” Your mom crooned, placing the last movie ticket stub inside the box and sending a sorrowful look your way. Your tear stained cheeks were too much for her to bear, but she loved you enough to stand witness to the biggest heartbreak of your life. She loved you enough to put her own hurt aside, just to ease yours, to alleviate you from being the one to close the book on the chapter that hurt you the most. “What do you want to do with it, sweetheart?”

“I don’t know.” You drew in a shaky breath, holding in a wail that was begging to escape you.

It had been 110 days since you had broken up with Jake, since you left him with sad eyes and a heart that bled only for you standing in your driveway, the ghost of his last ‘I love you’ still on his lips. It had been 110 days of the most gut wrenching, exhausting, and excruciating pain you had ever felt.

The snow stuck to the ground, the frost nipping at your nose when you stepped outside, and the Christmas tree standing tall in your living room told you that the season had passed and the world was still turning, but you felt stuck in that sticky summer day in August, tears on your cheeks and love on the tip of your tongue as you spent your last night with him. It was the first time you’d been home since then, the first time stepping foot in your bedroom after creating your most haunting memory within it.

You knew you needed to get over him, but you did not know how.

How do you move on from someone who loved you so completely and wholly? How do you stop lamenting about better days that have since passed and will never return? How do you keep going, knowing you would never hold his hand again, feel his touch, or appreciate the sweetness of his kiss? How could you move on when you did not hate him? When his memory still existed in your mind and he was still that perfect person?

The memory of him lived within the walls of your house still, his shampoo still lingering on your pillowcase and his love still in the air. The reminders of your relationship existed in every corner of your bedroom, on the walls, in picture frames, and in the threads of your sheets and blankets. Even now, with the pictures and love notes and dried flowers contained in a single box, you had no idea how to get him out of your head.

“Wait,” you sniffled, watching your mom begin to close the top of the box. You couldn’t stand to do it yourself. You tumbled down the stairs, a mess of tears on your face and a pain in your heart growing larger by the second, begging her to help you gut the last remaining proof of your relationship from the walls. “There’s one more thing.” You confessed, reaching down into your book bag.

For 110 days, you kept it so close, carrying it with you wherever you went and playing it through the disc drive in your laptop every night to fall asleep. Now, you knew that you would never be able to move on, especially not if you continued to hold on to the memory so tightly.

With an unsteady hand and a heaving chest, you handed her the plastic CD case. Her eyes traveled over the faded writing on the disk itself, and her heart ached for you. Slowly, she placed it underneath the rest of the items, hiding it from sight to make it easier on you.

“I’m gonna keep this, and I’ll put it somewhere safe, lovebug.” She said, finally closing the top to the shoebox and sealing the memories inside forevermore. “Why don’t you go take a nice bath? I’ve got a bottle of wine downstairs with your name on it, but only this time.” She offered, reaching out and tucking your hair behind your ear. “Tomorrow, we’ll go out and do something, all three of us. That sound good?”

Of course she understood; five years ago, she sat in her bedroom, hurting just the same over a man who left her without a second thought. Who left all of you without a second thought. The only true healer was time, and right now, time was not your friend. You could lean on her, ask her for help, hold her hand, because she knew how you felt, and she’d felt that way many times before you even knew what it meant.

“That sounds good.” You breathed, closing your eyes and squeezing out the last of the tears brimming the lids.

“I’ll change your sheets for you, too.” She said, standing with the box clutched tightly in her hand. “It hurts right now, my love, but it won’t feel this way forever. I promise.”

It won’t feel this way forever.

Oh how wrong she was, even if the truth didn’t come in the way she meant it.

It did hurt forever, but it was not constant.

Four years it’s been since his name crossed your mind, four years of sleeping soundly and four years free of regret that plagued you so viciously. You were so tired of hurting that you forced yourself to forget; you erased every memory of him from your brain with the help of alcohol and meaningless hookups. You went home with a new guy every night, promising yourself that with new hands on you, you would forget the feeling of his. You buried yourself in school, studying so intently and for so long that your eyes crossed and you had a constant migraine. You deleted him and his family off every social platform, because despite going no contact that first ever week at university, you still stayed up at night, torturing yourself as you scrolled through Instagram and Facebook. You deleted every picture you ever took of him, knowing that if the temptation was there, you would submit to it. Worst of all, you vowed to never speak his name again, just so you could forget how good it felt rolling off your tongue.

You purged him from your life entirely, and it worked so well that he hadn’t been a passing thought in your mind in years. It was not because you hated him, not because you wanted to forget him. You did it out of necessity, knowing that every time you reminisced on the beautiful memories you made with him, it took a little more of your soul. For nearly two years, Jake Kiszka plagued every thought you ever had. You abstained from relationships and romance as a whole, because you knew nobody would ever be able to replace him. You needed to forget him, or else it would have killed you. You loved Jake so utterly and completely, even two years after you broke up, even after never speaking his name again, that it forced you to drown his memory. Every time you thought of him, you forced yourself to think of something else. Every time his face was pictured, perfect in your mind, you made yourself look at something else.

After so long, it became a habit, and now, it was a way of life.

But, even so, as you stared down at the silver writing, you knew deep in your heart that no matter how much forgetting you did, you never stopped loving.

“—earth to Y/N!” A hand waved in front of your face, breaking your staring contest with the Vans box decorated in silver sharpie. You could remember writing it, the sobs that shook your shoulders and the aching of your heart. The shakiness of the letters retold the story as clear as day.

After six years, you were still hopelessly in love with Jake, and one fear you always had remained true; nobody in the entire world could compare to him, and nobody else ever loved you in the same way he did.

Not that you let them, and not that they tried.

So let’s make it last.

How, after so long of refusing to think of the man, did he still have such a drastic effect on you? How were you still so caught up on someone you fell for when you were fifteen?

Out of all the questions, that one seemed the easiest to answer; you were still pining for him, because every version of you after fifteen loved him more than the last.

“Christ, you’re scaring me.” Mel tried again, her hand landing on your shoulder in a desperate attempt to pull your attention back to her. Your head finally snapped in her direction, your lungs searing from the lack of oxygen as you drew in a long overdue breath. “Are you okay?” She was panicked, her eyes wide and her expression coated with her fear. Never once had she seen you in such a state, and she was clueless as to why you were taken from her so quickly.

“I…” you trailed off, shaking your head in an attempt to clear your mind. It felt like a million memories were washing over you at once, stuck in an endless stream of thoughts that you forced yourself to ignore for so long. “That box.” You finally huffed out, your eyes shining with the same heartbreak you felt all of those years ago. Time did not change the intensity in which you hurt over losing him, even if you convinced yourself that it did.

“What about that box?” She asked, trying to pry it out of you. It was a rough subject, not only because it was hurting you so badly, but because aside from your mother, you had never spoken a word about Jake to anyone.

She was your best friend, your partner in crime and everything good in the world, but this was a heartache she had not touched, yet. It was one you stored so deep down that not even you touched it anymore, and in order to answer the question, you would have to tell her everything.

“What isn’t in that box?” Your rhetoric was full of refrain, like the words fought a daunting battle to even pass through your mouth. Your heartbeat was so strong that you could feel it surging through your entire body, under your skin and behind your eyes, all the way to the very tips of your toes. Your face was burning, your throat dry and your eyes sad as you finally reached forward. Your fingers grazed over the surface, collecting a layer of dust as they traced the words. “My whole life is in this box, Mel. The very reason my heart beats.” You whispered, picking it up and placing it in your lap.

“I don’t like it when you get poetic.” She let out a nervous laugh, looking between your face and the item in your hands as she awaited further explanation.

“I don’t know if I can explain it without showing you.” You admitted, your finger gently running over the lip of the cardboard where the cover sat flush with the rest.

“If it’s so important, how did you forget about it? And more importantly, why have I never heard of it?” She asked, trying to make sense of it all. You couldn’t blame her for being so confused—in all of the time you’ve known her, this was the only thing you had ever kept from her.

“You know when something hurts so much that it feels impossible to survive? Like if you don’t stop thinking about it, it will be the only thing you ever think about?” You began, your eyes fluttering closed as a sad smile crossed your lips.

“Yeah, I guess.” She replied, her tone softening as she realized the seriousness of the situation.

“This is one of those things. It was the most beautiful part of my whole life, but now that it’s gone, it’s horrible to remember. It took me two years to get over it, and even then, I never really did. I just got better at bottling it up and ignoring it, and eventually, it became a habit. This hurt so bad that I had to forget about it, because if I didn’t, I would have spent the rest of my life stuck in it, rather than making something new for myself.”

“Ooookayy.” She drew the word out for dramatic effect, her humorous tone usually uplifting you in times of crisis, but not even this time could it begin to ease the feeling of hurt in your heart.

With a breath of courage you did not have, you flipped open the lid. You did not look inside straight away, instead finding yourself staring at the empty section of wall between your door and your dresser, remembering the sight that was there so long ago. Jake, teary-eyed with flowers from his backyard and a CD he’d worked so hard to make, clad in a sweater that he wore only because you bought it for him. You wondered what he looked like now, if he’d recognize you if he stood before you again. You smiled gently to yourself as you recollected the softness of his features, the warmth in his dark eyes, feeling a sense of comfort wash over you that you hadn’t felt in a long time.

Where was he, now? Was he halfway across the world, living his dream and playing guitar on stage every night? He used to talk about it so often that you thought it would be a shame if he let that passion go to waste. Was Josh alongside him, still annoying him beyond belief and loving him in a way only a twin brother could? Was his hair long, flowing past his shoulders and cascading down his back, just like he told you he wanted it to? Was his smile the same, toothy and goofy enough to make you fall in love at the first glance?

There were so many things you wanted to know, gutted that Jake existed in the world somewhere and you were not a witness to the light he added to it. You were in agony knowing that there wasn’t just one, but so many versions of him you never got to know, just the same as he never got to experience the many different versions of you. You hated yourself for never reaching out, for locking up that part of your heart and throwing it away, but you had to. It was necessary for survival, and you didn’t want to lose yourself to a stranger who might not even be the boy you once loved so desperately.

Then again, a small part of you knew that no matter how strange Jake would be to you now, he would still be just as lovable and just as beautiful.

Your heart ached at the thought of him being grown, now, likely wrapped up in someone else’s arms who could love him more than you could at the time. Back then, you thought that letting him go was the best way to show how much you loved him, but six years later, you understood he was the type of person you never should have let slip through your fingers. You wondered if he ever thought of you, or if he went through the same turmoil that caused you to shut out his memory completely. You swallowed down the lump in your throat when you realized he likely didn’t, because Jake was always much too grand to be caught up on someone as mediocre as you.

Forcing yourself out of the maddening thoughts, your eyes trailed down to the items inside the box. Carefully, you picked out a pile of movie tickets, sifting through them and trying not to get stuck in every memory of every theater date the two of you had.

“In high school, I met a boy who turned my whole world upside down.” You whispered, squeezing your eyes shut as you passed the tickets to Mel. “He was everything anyone could ever want. He was the type of person that made it impossible not to love him.” You explained, feeling the scratch of tears in your throat as you grabbed a ziplock bag full of dried wildflowers and petals from bouquets. “He was a real romantic, always buying flowers and writing love notes. He walked with me to school before he got his license, and drove me as soon as he did. He was my best friend, and unfortunately, probably the best love of my entire life.”

“What was his name, love?” Mel asked, taking the bag of flowers from your hand so you could continue the walk down memory lane.

“Jacob,” the name felt like gold on your tongue, the taste sweet and the warmth otherworldly. “I called him Jake.” You pulled out a torn journal page, folded neatly and begging to be read. Carefully, you opened it up, letting your eyes drift over the familiar scrawl of his messy handwriting. “We dated for three years. Liam S. had nothing on him, and I met Jake not long after the hot or not debacle.” You laughed quietly, your eyes crinkling in the corners as you realized how happy you were that Liam turned out to be an asshole. Because of his childish behavior, the best years of your life happened. “I’ve never been so thankful to have my heart broken by someone, because if I stayed with Liam, I never would have met Jake. I was skipping class one day because I couldn’t stand the thought of being near Liam after that god awful list, and I ran into Jake, skipping because he couldn’t stand the thought of being in History class. Was fate, I guess. We were inseparable after that.”

You took a moment, swallowing back the pain and blinking away tears as you pulled note after note from the box, each one more painful than the last. There were doodles, stick figures of the two of you holding hands, and hearts dancing around your heads. Jake always had a special way of expressing his love, and he did it in every way he could. It was always lighthearted, never too serious but always fully expressing the tellings of his heart. He wrote you love notes because he wasn’t good at saying it aloud, and he drew terrible pictures when words failed him. At the end of the day, he was a teenage boy, but he was so much better than the rest of them.

“We did everything together. So many days spent at the lake, and so many nights spent talking in this bed. We used to sneak out on the roof and look at the stars every night, because there’s a ledge on the attic window that makes it easy to get up there. He listened and never made me feel stupid, and he loved me so much that I never had to question it. He used to drive my sister to her basketball practices when mom was at work, and he’d sit with me the whole time, happy to do it. He was quiet, but everything he said was worth listening to. He was funny, and so kind. The biggest heart I’ve ever seen on anyone.” You felt yourself choke up, the surplus of emotion becoming too much for you to hold back.

“What happened?”

“Life did.” You responded, simple enough as you continued to sort through the box. There were tickets to school sports games, tokens from the local arcade, and all of the guitar picks that fell from his pocket into your bed. There were unopened ring pops, because he’d buy you one at the corner store every time you stopped, forever promising that it would be a real ring someday. Your entire relationship was in the box, staring you in the face with a ferocious grin as you recounted the mistakes you made. “Him and I were always different. He had a dream of being in a band. He hated school and everything that came along with it. He played soccer, he loved to have fun, and he smoked cigarettes. He wouldn’t listen no matter how many times I told him it was bad for him. I loved school, I was good at it, and I wanted to go to the best university I could get into. I didn’t drink all that much, and I stayed in more often than not. For three years, it never phased us, and we loved each other no matter how different we were. It still seemed right.”

“Until it wasn’t?”

“Not even then.” You chuckled, pulling out an old Polaroid picture.

As your eyes landed on the two of you, laying in the long grass in the field at the old park, you felt the knife twist in your stomach. He was smiling, the grin lighting up his whole face as he held you in his arms. You were between his legs, your back against his chest and your arms atop his, wrapped around you. You were in his clothes, your hair falling over your face that was nearly washed out from the flash of the camera. You could remember the feeling like he was behind you now, the rattle of his chest as he laughed and the warmth of his body against yours. The deep amber of his cologne lingered in your nose, and the sweetness of his kiss still remained on your lips.

In that moment, you thanked God that Josh was there to take the picture. Even now, even after all the hurt, the memory was so precious to you and you wished so badly to be there one more time, just for a minute.

“We talked about it for a long time, what would happen when I left for school. I knew I was going far away, and he knew he was going to stay here. Maybe if I went to school closer, the outcome would have been different.” You shrugged, acting nonchalantly about one of the thoughts that often plagued your entire life. “We decided long distance wasn’t right for us. I didn’t want to hold him down, and he didn’t want to hold me back. We loved each other so much that we let each other go, believing it was for the best. I can’t speak for him, but for me, it was far from the best. It was the worst, actually.” You explained, looking at a few other Polaroids in the box. “We broke up the night before I went to school. Or the morning of, I guess.” You corrected yourself, your fingers going in search of the only thing you truly wanted to see.

“And that was it? You never talked to him again.”

“No.” You shook your head. “Never again ‘cept for a few days after I got there.” Your fingertips found the hard plastic case, pulling it out from the very bottom of the box. Origami flowers went flying, the ones you made for him but never had the chance to give him, and a few guitar picks fluttered to the floor. “That night, he gave me this.” You flashed it in her direction. She reached out, taking it from your hands so she could read the words written on the disk. “I remember exactly what he said, and it fucking killed me, Mel.”

“Eight songs, Y/N. I sat there for hours, listening to as much music as I could. I sorted through my dad’s old vinyl records, and all of the CD’s Josh and I could find in the house. I searched for lyrics on the internet, I even asked my mom if she had any ideas.” Jake explained, taking a step closer to you. There was a small plastic case in one of his hands, a bushel of hand picked wildflowers in his other, and a look in his eyes that made your heart ache with all of the pain you had been holding back. “This is it; eight songs that tell you exactly how I feel about you. Four that tell you how much I love you, and four that tell you everything you need to know about how I feel about you leaving.”

You recounted the memory aloud, the quiver of sadness in your tone too loud to ignore. “For three months, I listened to this every night to go to sleep. I carried the CD with me everywhere I went, until I came home for Christmas and mom and I decided it was best that I put all of this stuff away. I was torturing myself, loving someone I couldn’t have. That’s why when I met you, I never wanted to leave your side. I was recovering from this, and I had nobody.”

“So he’s the reason you listened to that Pearl Jam song on repeat all of the time?” She asked, thinking back on the state you constantly found yourself in.

“Yeah,” you laughed, nodding as a tear rolled down your cheek. “Black. That was the song.”

“Right, how could I forget?” She chuckled, humming the tune to herself. “I know someday you’ll have a beautiful life, I know you’ll be a star in somebody else’s…” she sang to herself, trailing off as she realized why the words spoke so loudly to you.

“Sky.” You finished, unable to leave it hanging. “But why can’t it be mine, right?” You forced a smile on your face, trying to joke, but both of you knew it was not funny to you.

“Why did you never tell me about him?” She asked, looking at you with sadness in her own eyes. She was grieving the love with you, like a true best friend would.

“Lots of reasons, I suppose.” You sniffled back another wave of tears, your voice now infiltrated with the sadness that once only ravished your heart. It was taking over again, like it did so long ago when you vowed to shut it out. “Guess I didn’t want to scare you away, and I didn’t really want to bring that memory to school with me. The dorm and the apartment walls, all of the buildings…. That sadness never touched that, you know? He was never there, his memory didn’t live in the place like it does here. I thought if I never talked about it, it would never hurt as bad there as it did here, that night.”

“But it did anyway.”

“It did.” You agreed, clearing your throat slightly. “For a really long time. I spent two years thinking of him, dreaming of him. I wanted him so bad, and it never went away with time like all of the Reddit forums said it would.” You laughed at your own stupidity, shaking your head at all the time you spent reading breakup advice from faceless strangers on the internet. “One day, I had to stop. I was my own worst enemy, listening to all the music we used to listen to together, living in the memories at night when I was alone in bed, picturing him beside me, holding my hand. I deleted him off all my social media, and his family, too. I erased all the pictures, and I drank and partied so much that I couldn’t think about anything, let alone him. I studied so much that I dreamt about Shakespeare, and every time I thought of his name, I shoved it so far to the back of my mind that I couldn’t possibly find it again. I forced myself to forget it all, to pretend it never happened so one day, I could believe it.”

“I told myself new memories would replace the old ones, and after a while they did. Christ, when we came here he wasn’t even a passing thought in my head, but I could feel this lingering sadness in the air, looming over my head all of the time. I didn’t get it until now, when I saw the box, and it all came back at once. I shoved it so far down that I tricked my brain into blocking it out, but when it’s in your face like that… it’s hard to keep it out.” You finished, closing your eyes to regain yourself. “That’s why you lost me for a while, I guess.”

“So you haven’t had any contact with this guy? Like, at all? You don’t know what he looks like, where he lives…?”

“Nothing.” You assured her. “If there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s ignoring a problem so much that it ceases to exist.”

“But it does exist, and it still hurts.” She explained. “You don’t date, you don’t try to meet guys, you hate the idea of love, and this is why, Y/N. If it’s been six years and you still feel that way, maybe you should reach out.” She offered, looking over the CD once again.

“As if,” you scoffed, rolling your eyes at the idea. “He wouldn’t even remember me, Mel. It’s been so long, I’m sure he’s long moved past us. He’s the type of guy everyone loves, so I’m sure he’s found someone who treats him really well. He deserves that, not the girl from high school who broke his and her own heart.”

“Maybe we should just look at his instagram, just to see what he looks like?” She asked, pulling out her phone.

“No.” You said, reaching out and holding her phone down. “I don’t want to, Mel. I stopped keeping up with him for a reason. All it does is hurt me more.”

“Okay.” She conceded, placing her phone back on the bed. “Since we’re already sad, why don’t we listen to the music? Why don’t you tell me about the songs?”

“Nosy.” You snipped, but shot a playful smile her way.

“Obviously.” She huffed. “My best friend just told me about a boyfriend I’ve never heard of before, who is apparently the greatest love of her life. I want to know everything that I didn’t know I was missing.”

“I don’t know…” you trailed off, eyeing the messy handwriting on the surface of the disk. “I’d just be reopening old wounds. I don’t know if that’s what I should be doing while I’m trying to start my life.”

“Seems like they’re already open, Y/N.” She said, raising an eyebrow. “Just one song?” You watched her face for a moment, your heart racing at the thought of playing that first track. At the same time, an overwhelming sense of calm washed over you at the idea, like an addict finally in reach of a fix. It had been so long since you let yourself enjoy the music that spoke his love for you, and the thought of hearing it again made your heart soar. It had been so long since you felt such an abundance of love like that, and you understood that it couldn’t hurt more than it already was.

“Yeah, okay.” You sighed, carefully placing all the items back in the box. You sat it beside you on the bed, slowly standing to your feet. You grabbed the disk from her hand, navigating through the mess on the floor and plopping down in the computer chair nestled in the corner of your room. You hunched over; searching through the drawers of your desk until you exactly found what you were looking for. “A-ha.” You muttered to yourself, pulling out the old CD player and the speakers you had to go with it. The cords were tangled, wrapping around all of them and knitting together to make the task even more daunting for you. “I haven’t used this in years.” You said, your fingers carefully unraveling the tangled mess of the cords.

“Used it? Y/N, I haven’t even seen one since middle school.” You chuckled, plugging the player into the outlet on the wall beside you.

“I only ever used it to listen to this.” You clarified, wiping the dust from the surface with the bottom of your already dirty t-shirt. You popped the top open, carefully taking the disc from its holder and placing it inside. You shut it, trying to read the faded white print on the black surface to find the play button. Eventually, you hit start, and the air filled with a static silence, the whirring of the machine the only thing filling your ears.

You leaned back in your chair, closing your eyes as you braced yourself for the impact of that first note. Your palms were clammy, your chest tight and your stomach swirling with nausea. Even as horrible as you felt, knowing what was to come, the feeling was comforting, familiar even. You felt it so many times, huddled in that exact chair with your knees pulled to your chest. You felt it in your dorm room, tears clouding your vision as you tried to hide yourself under the covers and disappear from the world. You knew this feeling better than anything else, and you had every scratch and pause on the track memorized so well that you could recite it in your sleep.

Even so, it didn’t seem to stop the wave of grief that washed over you when the first strum of the acoustic guitar filled the air.

You nearly doubled over in your seat, struck with an invisible force that was stronger than anything else. Your bones ached and your body felt heavy, your eyes aching as you squeezed them shut so tightly it made you see stars. The music that filled the room was quiet, but it felt like it was screaming at you, beating you down and berating you for being so foolish.

“Childhood living,

Is easy to do

The things you wanted

I bought them for you.”

Four years old, Barbie doll in hand and chocolate stains visible on your neon green shirt as you stood at the entryway of the kitchen. Your hair was wild, messy from a full day of playing outside. The summer air was sweeter than it had ever been, the color of the grass so prominent in your mind. Dandelion yellow stained your knees from kneeling on the abundant petals in the backyard. The clouds in the sky looked like cotton candy, and you pleaded with your mother to let you stay outside for just a moment longer.

Of course, she picked you up by the arms, scolding you with a smile as she told you that you wouldn’t be able to play if you were hungry. Dinner was waiting for you on the table, your favorite meal to top off the wondrous day of being completely carefree. For dessert, you split an ice cream sundae with your dad, doused in chocolate sauce and rainbow sprinkles. As your mom did the dishes, you watched a cartoon on the couch. When the sound of the water stopped and giggles filled the air, you couldn’t help but investigate, dreading missing out on a moment of fun.

When you peeked into the room, the kitchen table concealing you as you stood at perfect height, you did not see your mom hovering over the sink. Instead, you heard the static hum of the radio, the familiar song playing quietly. Your mother was in the middle of the room, dish towel still in her hand and a blinding smile on her face. Your father stood behind her, his arms wrapped around her waist and his head nuzzled in the crook of her neck. A smile that matched hers rested on his own lips as they swayed slowly, and he was singing her the lyrics as they passed through the speaker.

Although it was out of tune, off time, and nowhere near as good as Mick Jagger had sounded, it was perfect. To you and your mother, it was the best sound in the whole world, because when your dad sang it, it was full of love.

“Graceless lady

You know who I am

You know I can’t let you

Slide through my hands.”

Eight years old with your little sister by your side, the words passed through your fathers lips, but it wasn’t the same as it used to be. He was tired, withdrawn, singing the song with refrain in his eyes as he watched the hand your mother was holding. The love has lessened, the tune a habit rather than a gift. Things were different, and you chalked it up to age. One day you were certain your father would sing it again, with the very same love in his eyes he used to have.

“Wild horses

Couldn’t drag me away

Wild, wild horses

Couldn’t drag me away.”

The familiar song played through the closed door of your parents bedroom, but it was not framing a sweet moment. It had been on repeat for a day, now, and your father had left late the night before. Something deep in your soul told you he was not in there, nor was he singing it to her. Sometimes, when the music lulled, you could hear a muffled cry pass through the hollow door, cementing the notion in your head for good.

“I watched you suffer

A dull, aching pain

Now you’ve decided

To show me the same.”

At thirteen, you stood at the door of your parents bedroom, a lump in your throat as you watched your mother sleep away another afternoon. Your sister continued asking when your dad would be home, but the longer you stared at the half-empty room, the more you understood that the answer was something she couldn't quite understand. The longer you watched, the more you understood you’d never hear him sing that song again.

“No sweeping exits

Or offstage lines

Could make me feel bitter

Or treat you unkind.”

“Oh, God. Jake, please turn that off.” You pleaded, the melodic sound filling your stomach with dread. He looked back at you, nestled in his bed and safe under his blankets. He turned around in his desk chair, his head cocked to the side as he abandoned his math homework.

“What, you don’t like The Stones?” There was a careful kindness in his tone, wondering where your sudden discomfort came from but nervous to cross a line by asking.

“No, I do, just not this song.” You clarified, your heart racing in your chest as the hum of Jagger’s voice began to fill your ears. You tried so hard to stay calm, not to retaliate and cover your ears so you did not look like a child throwing a tantrum. Instantly, he reached over and lifted the needle from the spinning vinyl, placing it back on the holder. “I’m sorry, I just… I can’t listen to it.” You breathed, feeling a wave of relief wash over you as the song came to an abrupt stop.

“S’okay, sunshine. You don’t have to apologize for anything.” He promised, wheeling over to you as he noticed the discomfort in your eyes. He reached out, brushing your bangs from your eyes in an attempt to comfort you. “Why not?”

“Long story.” You whispered, your head sinking further down into his pillow.

“I always have time to listen to you.” He assured you, his thumb drifting over your cheek. Your eyes fluttered to meet his, the sight immediately calming your mind. You swallowed hard, leaning into his touch ever so slightly.

“My dad… he used to sing this to my mom. It was the best song in the whole world to us for so long.” You explained, fighting the distaste begging to leech into your tone. “They used to slow dance to it in the kitchen, and he’d sing it to us too, when we were sad. Then he fucking left, and mom listened to it over and over again, like it would bring him back. Guess it didn’t work out as well as she hoped it would.”

“I’m sorry, sunshine. I had no idea.” He hummed, his fingernails gently scratching over your scalp in hopes of soothing you.

“S’okay,” your eyes fluttered closed in bliss at the feeling. “Just sucks, ‘cause I used to love the song so much, and now it makes me sick.”

You didn’t understand back then, but now you knew why your mother played it so often. She was hoping it would bring him back, or hoping that it would make her feel close to him again. She was torturing herself in the same way that you tortured yourself with the exact CD you were listening to, then.

“Wild horses

Couldn’t drag me away

Wild, wild horses

Couldn’t drag me away.”

“I have something to show you, sunshine.” Jake's hand in yours felt right, just as it always did. His voice rang through your ears as you walked up the stairs to his bedroom. You had no idea what was awaiting you, but you knew if he had anything to do with it, it would be nothing short of fantastic.

“I know I dreamed you

A sin and a lie

I have my freedom

But I don’t have much time

Faith has been broken

Tears must be cried

Let’s do some living

After we die.”

You couldn’t stop the tears, running like waterfalls down your cheeks as Jake softly strummed at his dads old acoustic. The rasp in his voice paired with the quiver of nervousness made his singing all the more beautiful, and the sentiment behind his actions made your heart swell with joy. He was the most beautiful thing you’d ever laid eyes on, and you couldn’t believe he loved you so dearly.

His playing slowed to a stop, his anxious eyes flickering up to your face. As he noticed the trails of mascara streaked down your cheeks, his stomach dropped, fearful that he hurt you more than helped. You wanted to speak, to commend him for his gracious gesture, but words were failing you. You had never been so full of love in your life, not for anyone or anything, but he continued to amaze you with every day that passed.

“I’m sorry, beautiful. I never wanted to make you cry.” He stood, propping the guitar against his desk as he stepped towards you. His hands reached out, gently swiping away any lingering sadness on your face.

“No, Jake.” You shook your head, still choked up at the sweetness of the moment. “It was beautiful. So, so beautiful.” A small smile crossed his lips, and he crouched down to eye level, dreading overlooking a single moment of time with you. “Nobody’s ever done anything so nice for me.”

“I just… you said you loved the song, but you couldn’t listen to it anymore because it hurt too bad. I wanted to make the song good again, to make it hurt less.” He whispered, his brown eyes seemingly staring into your soul. “I don’t know if it worked, but I’d do anything for you, sunshine. I’ll do whatever I can to make you happy.”

“You do, Jake. You always do.” You felt tears falling from your eyes, but they were for a whole different reason than they were all of the times you heard the song before. He did exactly as he intended, and the song took on a whole different meaning. The bad hurt less, and the memory of Jake singing to you would be something you would never forget. He was everything, and you were so incredibly lucky to have him.

You reached toward, pausing the track before it could finish. Your chest was aching, your shoulders shaking with your tears as you felt Mel’s hands on your shoulders in support. She slid them downwards, and your hands raised in search of hers. Your head fell back, resting on her stomach as you tried to calm yourself down. It hurt the same every time; no matter how many years stood between the initial heartbreak, the thought of losing Jake had always been the worst one ever.

“Tell me about the song.” She whispered, pulling you out of your own head in hopes you’d share the sorrow with her, just to make it a little easier to digest.

With a shaky breath, you recounted the memories that you’d kept locked up for so long, finally allowing someone to help you carry the weight of them. She listened intently to every word you had to say, hanging on to the stories and keeping them as safe as you had the whole time. There was no one in the world you trusted quite like her, knowing that you could confess anything and she’d still extend a helping hand. You were lucky to have her, grateful to call her your best friend, but you knew that even she could not begin to ease the pain from this.

“I just… I wish things were different for us, you know? Like, I always knew we should have been more, that we shouldn’t have ended like that.” You let out a ragged sigh, finishing your retelling with the sentiment that haunted you for so long. “He tried to stay friends, and he tried so hard, but I had to stop. A few days after I got to school, I had to stop talking to him, because I loved him too much. Friends was torture back then, but now I feel stupid for cutting him off. Now I know that having him around would have been better than this.”

“Y/N, you have to reach out to him.” She urged, combing her fingers through your hair. “If it’s been this long and you still feel that way about him, you can’t let it go.” She tied your hair back in a ponytail, keeping it away from your face until you calmed down. Your cheeks were crimson, burning with heat as the sadness ran its course. Your eyes were swollen, your head aching, and you wished it could be that easy.

“After six years, Mel?” You didn’t mean to sound so condescending, but the tone slipped out without a second thought. “We’re totally different people now. I bet he doesn’t even think about me anymore.”

“You don’t know that, though.” She argued her point, squeezing your shoulders ever so slightly. “He could be sitting in his room, talking to his best friend like this. He might still be hurting, too, and maybe he’s scared to reach out because he thinks you forgot about him.” She let the thought hang in the air for a moment, not pressing any further until you responded. You blinked hard, wiping your eyes with the backs of your hands. The coolness of your skin felt nice against your face, bringing you back to earth for a moment. When the silence became too much for her, she spoke again. “You never know unless you try, Y/N. You can’t live the rest of your life wondering. Just reach out, say hi and ask how he’s doing. Even if he’s moved on, at least you’ll know for sure. Once that door is closed, you can move on too. Right now, you’ll be stuck thinking about him and wondering ‘what if’ forever.”

You didn’t want to tell her she was right, mostly because you were too afraid he would be moved on, in love with someone else and happier without you. You wanted it for him, because he deserved it, but you wanted to be the one that made him happy. The thought of someone else loving him made you sick, because you doubted that anyone could ever love him as much as you did. Actually, you doubted that anyone could love anyone as much as you loved Jake.

“I doubt he has the same number, anyway. I just have the one he had in high school.” You shook your head, finding yourself too hopeful already. You needed to shut it down before your heart broke even further.

“Try, Y/N.” Mel urged, unable to drop the topic. She wanted it for you, to see you happy and in love. She always wondered why romance never seemed to move you, and now she knew it’s always been because you were waiting for him. Instead of responding, you hit the rewind button on the player and pressed play again, already yearning to live in the memory of him singing it to you again. A sad smile crossed Mel’s lips, but she gave a curt nod, turning around and continuing to pack and move boxes of already sorted items.

You pulled your knees to your chest, resting your chin atop of them as you listened to the familiar melody. You wondered if maybe his number was the same, and if you reached out, he’d still have your contact saved in his phone. You wanted to know where he ended up, what he was doing and who he was doing it with. You wanted to know him, to hear his voice and have him say your name again. The need was pressing, and it grew harder to ignore the longer the song played.

Could he still feel the same? After this long, did he still think of you from time to time with hurt in his heart and regret in his mind? Was it possible that he was still hung up on you, or were you just an idiot who couldn’t comprehend letting go?

You had so many questions, the same ones that plagued you since the day you left. You didn’t know the answer, and you weren’t even sure if you wanted to.

However, Mel was right.

You would never know unless you tried, and for him, you would do anything. As much as it would kill you to hear how happy he was without you, it would still be better than never talking to him at all. You needed to know the man he grew into, even if it was for a fleeting moment in time. You wanted to know if his hair grew out, if he still played guitar, and if his laugh was still just as sweet as it was back then. You wanted to tell him you graduated, that you finally did it after so long spent talking about it.

You couldn’t waste the rest of your life hung up on a man who loved you when you were young. You couldn’t be eighty years old and still thinking of Jake Kiszka when you tried to sleep at night. More than that, you couldn’t open yourself up to love if you were still so in love with him.

“I’m going to grab something to eat.” Mel said, hovering in the doorway of your room. When you didn’t so much as look her way, she turned towards the stairs and walked out of sight.

You needed to reach out. You needed to try, just like she said. Even if the conversation sealed shut the door you always wished to open again, it would give you closure, and you might finally be able to move on. Right now, moving on was laughable, and it was something you never believed you could do.

Mel was right, and so right that it was impossible to ignore her.

Even if his number changed, or if you were blocked, you would finally know for sure. You took a large gulp of breath as you stood to your feet, Wild Horses still playing softly in the background as you stepped towards your bed. You grabbed your phone from the mattress, unlocking the screen and clicking on your contacts. You gulped down the ball of anxiety stuck in your throat as you selected the name you never thought you’d speak again. There was still a red heart beside his name, something you couldn’t bear to change. You opened a new text thread, the empty screen sending a shiver down your spine as you recounted the endless ‘I love you’s’ once held inside the chat.

Your finger hovered over the keypad, your mind blank as you thought of what to say. There were so many things you always wanted to confess to him, that you were sorry and you missed him, or that you were wrong and never should have left. You wanted to be angry that he let you leave, and to be happy for all the love he gave you that carried you through until that very moment. You wanted to say everything and anything, but it wasn’t right. You couldn’t break the radio silence after so long with something so powerful, but you never knew how to keep it simple when it came to Jake. His name alone caught you in a storm of emotion, and the picture of his face in your mind nearly brought you to your knees.

You began to type, quickly stopping yourself with a shake of your head. It wasn’t right. What were you supposed to start with? How could you rekindle conversation with the only man you’d ever loved, after so long of loving him silently?

You started again, letting out a sigh as the words seemed to come out wrong yet again. You felt like an idiot, but you still stood in place, staring at the screen. Somehow, no matter how stupid you felt, putting the phone down felt wrong. You needed to do it, but you just didn’t know how.

You typed and re-typed the message so many times that your eyes crossed and your head began to spin. Your heart was thudding against your chest so intensely that it began to hurt, and you hadn’t even hit send yet.

“Come on, coward. You can do it.” You huffed, furrowing your brows as you hyped yourself up. “Stop overthinking it.”

And you did; when you stopped thinking, it seemed all the more easy.

You - 4:53pm

Hey, Jake. It’s Y/N. I know it’s been a while, and I’m not sure if this is even your number anymore, but I’m back in Michigan again, for good I think. When I’m in Michigan it always reminds me of you. I hope you’re doing okay, and I hope that this isn’t too weird. It’s strange being home, and I guess I was just thinking of you and wanted you to know that after all this time, you’re still on my mind.

With little hope and a lot of courage, you attached a song from Spotify to the text. You hit send, watching the blue line at the top of the screen slowly begin to slide across, signifying it was much too late to change your mind. It was slower than usual, making you believe he truly may have changed his number, or blocked you at the very least. If he did, you couldn’t blame him, because you’d been tempted to do the same.

Before you could spiral too far, the small chirp let you know that the text was delivered, and the words underneath the bubble read as such. Your heart drummed even faster, and you expected a wave of regret to take over, but it never came. Instead, your mind was calm, a strange peacefulness washing over you at the sight of his name in your phone again. Soon after, the song delivered too, the link turning into a shortcut. The album cover showed in a small square, and next to it showed the name of the song and the artist underneath. On the very opposite side, a small little play circle appeared, letting him preview a snippet before he opened the app.

“Wild horses

Couldn’t drag me away

Wild, wild horses

We’ll ride them someday

Wild horses

couldn’t drag me away

Wild, wild horses

We’ll ride them someday.”

You listened to the song playing over your speakers, your cheeks flushed and your lips upturned into a small smile. You wondered if it was too much, or if he would think you were weird for sending him the song, but deep down you believed that even if he did, some semblance of the man you used to love so dearly continued to remain. Even after all this time, the song would still be important to him, and just the same as back then, even after all this time, not even wild horses could drag you away from him.

TAGLIST: @anythingforjtk @highway-tuna @klarxtr @hollyco @thetroublegetssoloud71 @ageofbajabule @dannys-dream @raceb14 @watchingover-hypegirl @starshine-gvf

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