#the random would have died it's not even a question

[salemoleander]

Chaos vs. Patronage: How Life Series winners grapple with skill disparity

As the Life Series has gone on and matured into more noticeable patterns, some winners have pivoted to a mentorship/support role to their chosen 'champion'/ a favored player.

Scott spent Limited Life as a duo with Martyn, and then joined a high-skill group in Secret Life that ultimately saw him sacrifice himself trying to get Gem the win. Pearl spent Secret Life with her stated goal being one of her teammates winning, pivoting to support Scar at the end when they'd died. Now in Wild Life, she has outright stated her intent to support Impulse to get the win. (Scar supporting Jimmy in Wild Life may also fit this pattern; we'll get to that.)

In contrast, winners Grian and Martyn² are not sticking to that single-minded attempt to get a player to win, whatever it takes. They will express support for teammates winning, but generally do not take actions that would worsen their own chances of winning/surviving to help a teammate. They aren't playing "meta", which here means putting all their resources into one person.

These two categories of behavior ultimately reflect the Winners' approaches to answering the question of how to balance disparate skill levels in the series cast. (Second half of writing + footnotes under cut.)

Grian has spent game after game altering mechanics & playing with randomization to try to level the playing field without directly intervening against specific players.³ Martyn is invested enough in the narrative/story that making less-than-optimal decisions isn't hard for him or atypical (this is the player who beelines for the Nether every single season).

It seems like Scott and Pearl realized they're very strong players and are interested in nerfing themselves more actively... but they still don't want to throw the match. The compromise there is to put their effort & skill towards helping another player achieve victory.

A case could be argued that Scar is moreso the former group by nature (he's similar to Martyn in his penchant for making entertainingly bad decisions that render nerfing unecessary). However, after witnessing multiple seasons of Scott & Pearl acting as mentors, seeing them compete head-to-head in the game he ultimately won, mentorship now seems like a normalized route to take once you're a winner.⁴

¹ Unsure if BigB in LimL counts? They were a duo, but Scott fomenting Martyn's win seems to be what kicked off Pearl's dedication to support another player.

² Cleo is a winner but they do not fit this analysis for a variety of reasons I don't want to get into. So I won't, bc this is a tumblr post & not an academic paper. Ignore that there are footnotes and an academic-ass title

³ Grian seeing Scott win: "Oh no I've created an unbalanced game. Ok lets randomly assign players together to try to balance things... why has RNG betrayed me?!" RNG does not stop betraying him btw. I have another post in draft about this but it's kind of nuts how dedicated Grian is to Not Rigging The Game Even A Little.

⁴ Incidentally imo this is what will force Grian in the next few games to either end the series, create dual winners/some other atypical win structure, or bust his ass trying to get a second win & break that taboo. Based on his game design so far, he can put up with a bit of interference, but ultimately will not abide "we all do schoolyard tradesies on who gets to win until everyone gets one".

[deathnotewiki]

wait so soichiro died a day after getting the eyes. so does that mean he only had two days left to live??? 😱

Ooookay, so this one is a very common claim/theory. The same applies to the, MIsa committed suicide a year after the manga ended, meaning people think that's how many years she got from Gelus and Rem combined as well as halving twice. Personally, I find that unlikely. I'll get to Soichiro, but I'm going to use Misa as the main example for the followiong rant:

It sounds like Shinigami don't bothering writing down names often, meaning they're generally okay on remaining years. They could write the names of two humans and have like, nearly two hundred years added to their lifespan. Only Shinigami we've ever seen worried about running out is Sidoh. Gelus we only knew for five seconds, but Rem never seems to say or do anything indicating that she is lacking in years. So here is my little equation that is likely wrong because I am tired right now:

In my personal opinion, despite halving her lifespan twice, I think Misa had the potential to live for an extremely long time, possibly even way past the average lifespan of a normal human. But she killed herself. And that's where the big question about free will and destiny come in. How much do humans actually control? Was it a coincidence the Misa's scheduled death was going to be at the hands of a stalker who planned a murder-suicide? Or was it somehow destined and predetermined that this man would grow obsessed with Misa to the point he ends both of their lives?

Criminals are dropping dead at alarming rates, and it is very much NOT NORMAL. It can only be the work of a person somehow causing these deaths. There was not supposed to be a sudden, random wave of criminal deaths. This only occurred because Ryuk dropped a Death Note and Light Yagami picked it up. With this, we can say with certainty that humans have free will and deaths that were not supposed to happen can occur if people interfere. Not to mention that Shinigami take years from humans who had remaining years, so they are messing with how lifespans and whatnot are supposed to naturally work.

So Light Yagami caused deaths that were never supposed to happen via his choices/actions. He killed them with the Death Note, which was never supposed to be involved. And this is the same question that is raised when we consider Soichiro Yagami—and even Mello, for that matter. Mello likely never would've joined the mafia and done all this crazy dangerous stuff, Soichiro likely never would have gone into a dangerous raid at his age, if it weren't for the presence of the Death Note.

So did Soichiro Yagami canonically have two days to live? The answer is that there is no way of actually knowing. In my personal opinion, the answer is no.

[sunshine-zenith]

Is Peri even a godparent anymore?!

If he still is, I can't imagine him being assigned to some random kid after everything with Dev.

Maybe he went back to dental school.

(Sorry I took so long to get to this one. I died)

You know… I’m actually really not sure. I think this is one of the biggest questions left from the end of season one, and part of why so many people are hoping for a second season — Dev and Peri’s stories are still so unresolved. We didn’t even get to see Peri’s reaction to losing Dev as a godkid, something that stands out so much because literally just a few minutes earlier, Peri confesses that he cared about Dev and tried so hard to do right by him

A headcanon of mine is that becoming a fairy godparent in the first place was a big deal for Peri — he calls it the family business, he was partially raised alongside a godkid who he adored as a baby, and he literally would not exist if it weren’t for a godkid’s wish. The fact that he turned down what was clearly a prestigious and respected position to become one must mean a lot.

(Something I think about a lot is that Peri was lowkey OP as a baby, especially when compared to someone like Irep. He was well liked, smart, good in school, and powerful. There’s a reason why adult Peri comes off as having Gifted Kid Burnout — he basically went from being good at everything to struggling hard and not managing it well)

Him losing his godparent position entirely would hurt, even if he has other options

On the other hand… it also kinda hurts to think of him with anyone but Dev right now. Dev’s situation still sucks, and if anything it’s just been reinforced that how much it sucks. We don’t know if he retains the realization that his father will never put him first, but that doesn’t matter because we the audience know Dale won’t. This kid still has every reason to be miserable, and he desperately needs an adult in his corner. Again, Peri and Dev’s stories are unresolved and could go anywhere. It would suck if we don’t get some kind of conclusion, an actual sense of finality, for them

…Anyway, if you’re a fan of the show and have netflix, please stream it tomorrow. It’s been said that the show likely won’t be renewed (and therefore these plot lines left unresolved) if it doesn’t immediately do well when it dropped. I’ve been burned too many times to get my hopes up for a second season, but it can’t hurt to try

[sskk-manifesto]

Bungou Stray Dogs: Dead Apple and how “ability users” (opposite to “normal people”) learning to accept themselves through the acceptance of their own abilities is a queer metaphor of acceptance of own's sexual orientation and gender: an essay by me

[a-blip-of-billdip]

this isnt what i usually post on this blog but I'm already sick of all the memes and 'jokes'. I am almost certainly leaving the fandom for good now because of the book of bills release and NO it is not because billford's community has an influx of supporters.

So the worship and romanticization of asylums and other abusive practices for mental health have been steadily gaining traction in recent years, especially with the rise of tiktok's toxicity.

SO many people, especially younger people, regularly talk about how they want lobotomies or how women they don't like should be lobotomized. They get tattoos of lobotomy like it's some quirky fun thing and not one of the most horrific tortures someone can endure.

These same people, ESPECIALLY leftists, will look at anyone they disagree with or don't like and say "get institutionalized, loser" or "et therapy" and it's always in a mocking way. it's always in a policing way.

because these people know that mental wards strip everyone of their freedom and their bodily autonomy. they know these places arent for healing--theyre for silencing.

So the amount of people i see treating bill being institutionalized like a good thing---even the writers and alex himself?

Yeah. Im out ✌🏼

[fingertipsmp3]

Keep having recurring dreams that I’m in prison

[omgthatdress]

Sooooo ummmmmmm this is something that's probably going to piss a lot of people off, but I feel like I really need to say it.

If you get a message from an account claiming to be a Palestinian fundraiser, it is a bot. It is a scam. You need to report & delete the message and encourage others to do the same.

I know because I get messages on this account DAILY. I have a very high follower count and I'm pretty active and I interact with my followers a lot, and apparently that all adds up to one big bot magnet.

Bots following and messaging this account was a MASSIVE problem before Tumblr fixed its new account policies. I used to spend literally hours blocking and reporting the hundreds of bots that I would get following me each day.

I learned a lot about bots and how to identify them. The easiest way is with no avatar, "untitled" in the blog description (BTW if your avatar is still set to default PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD change it because you run a substantial risk of being accidentally blocked & reported as a bot).

One of the dead give aways of a bot was what I call "word salad" names. Three seemingly random words strung together making no sense, always adjective, adjective or noun, noun. If you reported a lot of these bots, you'd notice the same words kept showing up.

Nowadays, I am bombarded with fundraiser requests and sometimes, they don't even bother to hide the fact that they're a bot. The avatar is default, the blog title is "untitled," and the blog name is a classic randomly-generated word salad.

However MOST of the requests I get come from at least semi-legit looking accounts. There are pictures, a name, a story. Never mind that I've gotten that message three times from different accounts.

Sometimes, they claim to be vetted, but the whole vetting system essentially adds up to "trust me bro." There is no way of guaranteeing that this account isn't just lying about being vetted, claiming to be vetted by a false person, or are using the identity of a real Palestinian to scam people.

Previously, I've seen a lot of people getting attacked for raising questions about these fundraisers and getting attacked for being racist or for harming Palestinian families in danger, like Tumblr isn't a website famous for its scams and the words "The Arkh Project" "All or Nothing" or "Miss Officer and Mr. Truffles" mean nothing to you.

I personally have been scammed by people claiming to be charities on Tumblr before, specifically, The Leelah Project which used the name of a trans teenager who died by suicide to swindle people out of their money.

Luckily, there are actual, respected charities out there you can give money to if you want to help the cause:

Palestinian Children's Relief Fund

Palestine Red Crescent Society

United Nations Relief Works Agency

Islamic Relief

World Central Kitchen

Médecins Sans Frontièrs

One of the hardest things to accept about the situation in Palestine is that realistically, there is very little that your average outsider can do to change it. However, these large, well-respected and trustworthy charities are out there doing the hard work to keep people alive, and should be where the donation money is going

These scam bots feed on people's naïvety and need to believe that they are making a difference, and even worse, feed on the fear that by ignoring them, it somehow makes you a racist doing direct harm to a refugee family, when in fact they are using the suffering of Palestinians to take away money from those in need.

As far as fundraisers that don't send out random asks for donations, I honestly don't know. You'll have to do the work yourself and approach with much caution.

Be careful out there.

[monstersflashlight]

It’s finally here, I know I’ve been teasing with this story for weeks but life has been hectic and I wanted to do some requests, but here it is, the forest entity story. Hope y’all enjoy it!

The tree-hole debacle

Forest entity x fem!human || very light dub-con, tentacles (more like vines), bondage, squirting

Oh no. Oh, no, no, no... You kept chanting in your brain. You were trying to reach the fucking shiny thing you saw in the tree's hole and you got stuck. In the middle of the forest. All your torso inside a tree-hole and your legs kicking the air. You couldn't get out. You were stuck. You felt like you were living your own bad porno. Fuck.

You always knew your eagerness to pick stuff in the woods would bring you problems, but you never thought it would be in the shape of a tree. A fucking tree. You were just walking around the forest trying to find some good pieces to build some more fairy jewelry, who knew you could get stuck in a tree. And now you didn’t know what to do, how to get out. A spark of anxiety was creeping up your back. What if you died there? What if they found you dead in a tree-hole? They would think you are a weirdo. Well, in that they wouldn’t be wrong, but that would be so embarrassing. News would say something along the lines of “young girl found in a tree”, and that would be awful in so many levels. God damn it.

You tried crying for help, but you knew there wasn’t anyone coming, you never followed the path, confident you’d find your way back. And you always did, you have some kind of sixth sense about these woods, they called to you. And well, now you called whoever was listening to get you out of that damn tree-hole.

When you felt something creeping behind you, you started kicking your legs, trying to scare whatever animal was close. You didn’t want to be attacked by a random wolf or something. You didn’t even know what kind of animals could roam the forest, you were so careless in the way you explored the woods without thinking about it. You felt like a dummy now, a completely dumb woman who was now stuck in a fucking tree.

Something behind you let out a growl, you started to panic, moving your legs faster, making sounds to scare it away. A light caress to the back of your leg made you twitch, your whole body reacting with full on panic. But before you could scream, you were hanging out upside down, roots embracing your body. You were suspended in the middle of the woods, a weird creature made of leaves and some kind of mud in front of you. He slowly shook your body up and down, making you bounce in an uncomfortable way.

Your confusion, added to being upside down, made your head feel all kinds of dizzy. The roots around you seemed to come from everywhere, like he could control all the things around you. What was he? He answered you without having to verbalize your question: “I’m the spirit of these woods, and you, human, were asking for help. I came.” His voice sounded deep, like if he was talking from inside a cave, an echo of a real voice. Your body shivered.

“I- You- What?” Your confusion at everything happening was making your head spin. He turned you around, hanging you in an upright position this time, your feet still far away from the ground.

“You were screaming, the little creatures came to find me. And here I am,” he explained. His matter of fact statement made you think he was crazy. Maybe you were crazy. Maybe you did die inside that damn tree-hole and all of this was just an hallucination.

“Thanks?” You didn’t know if that was the correct answer, the vines and roots around your body wouldn’t stop twitching, touching, careful not to touch any of your most vulnerable parts. But hey were exploring everything else, caressing your hair, your cheeks, your legs… “Can you put me down?” You asked.

“No.” That instant denial should have scared you, but weirdly enough, you didn’t feel fear or panic anymore. Your body was calm, your mind completely quiet and relaxed. What kind of weird mojo was he doing to you? “You asked for the help of a forest spirit, you need to repay your debt now.” You looked at him expectantly, trying to convey you needed more explanation. He didn’t say anything.

“What the fuck does that mean?” You finally asked, a spark of anger rising inside your chest.

He nodded as if your question was answered like that and said: “I will take you now.” The vines around you started to pull at your clothes. You struggled against the hold, but they were so strong and tight that you could barely move some millimeters.

You struggled harder, screaming at him: “What? No!” You looked at him with all the fire inside of you. If looks could kill, he’d be killed right there, right now. But it wasn’t the case. He just looked amused at your struggles. But he stopped the vines from moving, some of them hovering over your tits and mouth, so close you could smell the petrichor smell they emanated. It was intoxicating.

“You have to pay, human. The balance must be restored.” That made no sense to you, he talked about restoring balance as if you had a debt with the forest or something. What?

“But I didn’t ask for your help.” He looked back at you skeptical, his dark eyes so expressive even though he didn’t have eyelids or brows. His face was so weird, but enthralling at the same time. “Okay, I did need help, but I don’t- I don’t want to have sex with you,” you lied through your teeth.

The truth was that you were aroused, the vines around your body were making you all kinds of horny. You always dreamed of being tied down, of being at the mercy of your partner as they took their fill off you. And without knowing it, he was restraining you, making all your fantasies come to the surface and making your pussy tingle. But you weren’t going to say that to him.

“What is sex, human?” The question caught you off guard, how could he not know what sex was?

“You… You said you’d take me.”

He was looking at you intently, like the answer to your unasked question was obvious and you were just dumb. Maybe you were. “I’ll give you pleasure so your juices can fertilize my forest,” he explained. You could what?

“You what? Fertilize? What?” And then it clicked. “You want to make me cum?” It seemed so random you couldn’t fully process what that meant.

“I believe that’s how humans call it, yes.”

You argued with the angel in your head, but the demon rapidly won the argument and before you could process it fully you were saying: “I- I- Okay.” Your voice was barely a whisper but he nodded and the vines around you closed more firmly against your body, making you shiver. It was weirdly comforting to be held so tightly.

You clothes were pushed away, thrown carelessly to the ground and you found yourself wrapped in vines and roots, suspended in the air. He opened your legs fully, exposing your holes to his eyes. He approached you then, his weird face close to your pussy, but not touching. The leaves around his head tickled the inside of your legs as he inspected you, his breath cold against your heated skin. You whimpered, being exposed to him so openly was embarrassing beyond belief, but the juices dripping off your cunt were even worse.

He reached around him and took some kind of leave, different to the ones covering his head. He squeezed it until a clear substance formed. He coated one of the vines with, the vine shifted into a wider form, cupping your whole pussy, coating it with the substance. At first, you felt nothing, but suddenly scolding heat ran through your body and you came. Just like that. You came faster than ever, he didn’t do anything, he didn’t touch your clit, your entrance… He just put some magical liquid over your cunt and made you cum. What the fuck?

You didn’t get to catch your breath before another vine was proving your entrance, making you moan loudly as it pushed inside. Two more vines appeared, framing your boobs and squeezing, some leaves playing with your nipples at the same time. The pleasure was maddening. The combined sensation of the vine entering you and the leaves was so overwhelming that you came again. This time your scream was cut short when another vine pushed against your asshole. Surprise and arousal made you arch your back, which was fruitless, the restrains on your body so tight you couldn’t move at all.

He was still close, observing the vines playing with your body, controlling everything but not touching you. You felt dehumanized, you were just a means to an end for him. And that made you hot. You could be anybody, everybody. He didn’t care. He just wanted your juices… And he was milking every drop off you.

The vine on your pussy pressed against your G-spot, the sensation too rough and raw. Some more juices gushed around it as you came again. He hit and probed and pushed and made your mind go blank as he transformed your body into a pleasure machine. You came, and came, and came. You were sure there was a river down your legs at that point. You were crying, tears running down your face as he assaulted all your sensitive areas at once. Your body felt like an exposed nerve.

When you thought you couldn’t take anymore, he pushed a new vine in your already overflowing pussy. You saw stars as the vines inside of you intertwined. You were so full, so sensitive, you couldn’t stop crying in pleasure, your voice long gone.

And then something inside of you broke completely and you were peeing. Peeing? No, squirting. He made you squirt. Your juices flowed over him, showering his leaves like summer rain. You ascended to another plane, the pleasure beyond human realm, the orgasm so good your brain broke a bit.

He stopped abruptly, his leaves shiny and his face contorted in some sort of a grin. “That would be all, human. You paid the debt to the forest.” You blushed deeply as he lowered your naked body to the ground, a bed of moss forming under you. “I’ll see you soon,” he muttered as he disappeared before your eyes. The earth literally swallowed him.

[tonycries]

The Call - G.S.

Synopsis. After an explosive fight with your boyfriend, you really should feel sorry about being swept up by the blue-eyed stranger at the club - but it’s so hard when he kisses you like that.

Pairing. Gojo Satoru x Reader, background Zenin Naoya x Reader

Content. MDNI, fem! reader, no curses! AU, Naoya gets cucked, Oggy & The Cockroaches cameo, NSFW, making out, cunnilingus, fingering, doggy, missionary, manhandling kinda, Satoru is taller, mentions of alcohol, pet names (doll, babe), oral sex (male + female receiving), Satoru is down BAD, cheating, I bully Naoya, car sex, overstimulation (male + female), swearing (I’m a pottymouth, sorry), exhibitionism if you squint.

Word count. 6.7k (being stuck on a farm really does that to ya)

A/N. BONJOUR BABYGIRLS, FIRST POST KINDA NERVOUS?? Based on The Call by Backstreet Boys. Art by @_3aem on X.

If you reblog, I’ll literally kiss you on the mouth (with your consent). <3

Cross-posted on AO3

“Listen, baby, I’m sorry.”

He’ll see the marks.

“Jus’ wanna tell ya don’t worry. I will be late, don’t stay up and wait for me.”

He’ll know. 

Good.

Long fingers trail higher and higher up your thigh. 

Meeting his fiery cerulean gaze, the grip on your phone weakens - only one thought running through your mind right now. 

Satoru won’t let you get out of this alive.

Shit. How the hell did you even get here?

Hitting the club on a random Thursday with your friends means you’d geared up for a dead dance floor and some old creeps you’d have to fight off. 

Hey, it wasn’t perfect - but at least it would get your mind off of That Bag of Dicks. And the fact that it was your two-year anniversary with him today. AND the fight that led you to furiously text your groupchat demanding a night out. 

But, whatever, semantics. 

What you certainly did not expect was the crowd to be dancing in an uproar, and one white-haired man to be in the middle of it all. The creeps were still there - as always - but what did it matter when his electric eyes caught yours across the dance floor. Mouth curving up in a teasing grin as he kept gaze locked with yours.

Beautiful.

Wait. Ugh. You really needed to get a hold of yourself. 

Ripping your eyes away from this stranger’s, you check your phone - somewhat out of habit. 

0 new notifications. 

Well. Fuck it, you thought.

Downing your friend’s double shot, you mentally made a note to buy them a drink next time as you plunged into the dense crowd. 

Fuck Naoya. Fuck his mind games. Fuck his stuffy, exclusive family dinners.

…

And that uglyass e-boy hairstyle.

Maybe it was the Smirnoff, or maybe it was the music thrumming through your veins - all you knew was that the dancing bodies around you were magnetic, and you hadn’t felt this good in a long time. 

Yeah, this is exactly what you needed right now.

You’re moving your hips to the beat in all the ways your boyfriend wouldn’t appreciate. Running your hands over the top that stuck to you like a second skin. 

And that was when it happened. 

A hand grasps yours in midair. 

Ew, what the fuck. You’d barely formed that thought before you’re suddenly spun so that your back is pressed against the front of…a wall? A wall wearing such alluring cologne. 

No wait, that’s a person. Holy shit they must be some sort of gym rat.

“Hey, wanna dance on that table?”

You turn your head to snap at whoever this stranger speaking to you from behind is, partially impressed by his sheer audacity. 

But whatever curse or shout at the tip of your tongue died down when you saw those eyes from before peering down at you. Except, now that you were closer - almost intimidatingly so - you could truly appreciate what a breathtaking man he was. 

Ethereal white hair framing those incredibly blue eyes. And a small dimple at the corner of a grin, which moves as he cocks his head and leans down to repeat, “Wanna dance on that table?”

Dammit, you might have been ogling him for too long. 

The table in question was one fringing the dance floor, slightly battered from too much experience with drunk dancing. Yet, it didn’t seem like it would break down anytime soon - and your phone was tragically empty of any concerned calls from your boyfriend so…what’s the worst that could happen? 

“...Sure?” You answer, eyes still unmoving from his face. 

At most you’d just dance till you forget today.

And before you knew it, both of his hands rested softly on your hips as he carefully steered you through the crowd from behind. 

Upon reaching it, his long legs jump onto the table and he holds a hand out towards you - boyish mirth evident on his features and the surrounding crowd cheering in drunken camaraderie. Face slightly burning at the spectacle, you slide your hand once more into his grasp.

It should be illegal to be this good-looking and the life of the party.

This stranger had you belting out the lyrics of songs with almost-reckless abandon, hands ghosting your body as you two moved in sync. An unknown magnetism drawing you to each other like a moth to flame. 

You were most definitely the flame, you thought, with the way his intense stare left your skin burning. You felt your heartbeat banging against your ribcage in symphony with the strobe lights above.

He was towering in front of you now. An arm wrapping around your waist, and the other gently pushing away the hair from your face. Close.

“I’m Gojo Satoru. You can jus’ call me Satoru, doll.”

A large hand caressing your cheek now. 

“I’m-”

That was when you felt it. The incessant vibration in your skirt pocket that most definitely wasn’t the pounding club music - your phone. And you knew who it was. 

Shit, you lost track of everything. 

“...taken.”

The smile on Gojo’s face falters for the first time as he makes a noise of confusion.

“I’m taken. Sorry. See you around.”

And with that, you untangle yourself from his arms and make your way back onto the ground, weaving through the crowd that had formed around the table due to your guys’ little show. 

What the hell were you even thinking? Just because you were mad at your boyfriend doesn’t mean you don’t have one.

You look back and catch a glimpse of Gojo’s slight pout. 

Cute. 

But, your buzzing phone served as a reminder - now wasn’t the time to forget yourself. You came here to dance your worries off, not cheat on your damn boyfriend! Maybe you really should check out that couples therapist your aunt recommended…couldn’t be that expensive, could it?

A glance at your phone shows Naoya’s string of texts. A couple cuss words, some accusations thrown here and there - none of them true, yet you felt guilty as you made your way to the bar. 

He still didn’t call, but it’s a start, right?

Upon grabbing a seat at the counter, your friends excitedly rush to hear the tea. 

“Oh my gosh, WHO was that hottie you were up there on the table with earlier?”, they gasp and crowd around you eagerly. 

“Some guy named Gojo, but we just-”

One of your friends interrupts your explanation by tittering, “You know I always told you to leave that asswipe, Naoya. Glad you finally decided to stand up, girl.” 

The rest of your group make noises of agreement as you sputter your excuses, “What- NO. I told him I was taken. Either way, I know Naoya’s a dick but I’d never cheat on him!” 

You weren’t like that. I mean, he drives you mad but every couple has their moments, right?

“Well, are you sure you told him you’re taken?”

Your friend’s odd question makes you snap out of your little overthinking tirade, enough to turn to what the group was now looking at - or more like who.

Gojo was unmissable. 

A cloud-like beauty with locks of white, standing a full head above everyone else. But what jarred you the most was the look in his eyes as they locked upon you, like a man dying of thirst spotting an oasis on his last breath.

Well, shit.

“Not really in the mood to watch you two eye-fuck each other sooo we’ll prolly go dance. We’ll be nearby keeping an eye, though, so remember the signals, yeah?” you hear from your left.

You nod mutely as your friends leave you for a repeat of Heads Will Roll.

“We meet again, Ms. Taken.” 

You rip your gaze away from your friends on the dance floor to look up at Gojo. His stupid little joke startles a small laugh out of you. 

“Didn’t think you were one for dad jokes, Gojo.” you muse. 

“Please, call me Satoru.” he grins as he leans over the counter to order you both a shot of Baileys. “You’re an incredible dancer you know.”  

“Says the life of the party?” you laugh, turning in your seat to better face your interesting new friend. 

He conducts an exaggerated bow, bragging “What can I say? I’m quite great at everything.” 

Ah, the dramatic type.

“Now that just makes you sound sleazy, Satoru.” you tease, gratefully taking the shot from the bartender.

Despite the dim lighting of the club, you could make out the slight darkening of Satoru’s cheeks. But, before you could ponder that any further, he clinks his shot glass against yours and downs the liquor. 

Once you follow, he leans in closer to drawl “As sleazy as that boyfriend of yours?”. 

Goosebumps rise on your shoulders and you have to hold back a shudder - whether from Satoru’s deep voice in your ear or because of what he just said, you don’t question.

Raising an eyebrow, “What would you know about my boyfriend?”

You watch as Satoru’s eyebrows furrow slightly, a more serious expression taking over his face. “Oh, doll. You do know that your lil’ boyfriend is very popular with the ladies here, right?”

What the fuck? Okay, to be touchy is one thing but outright lying about your boyfriend is another.

You stare at Satoru blankly, unimpressed. Droning monotonously, “Ah, so you’re one of those guys that lie to pick up a girl, huh?” You see his eyes widen by the smallest fraction - clearly not expecting this kind of response. Then he throws his head back and laughs. The nerve.

Between cackles, “I’m not. But your boyfriend sure is.” 

And as you open your mouth to retort he plows on, “Nao-something, right? That two-tone-haired gremlin? Bumped into him last time I was here, he showed us a couple pictures of you, bragging about having a hottie waiting for him at home. It was almost heartfelt.” 

Satoru fishes his phone out of his pocket and fumbles with it before turning the screen to face you. “That was right before he started making out with some other chick, of course.”

And making out with some other chick he was. 

The picture was blurry - seemingly zoomed into the background of a group selfie - but it was undeniably your Naoya, only with the added detail of his tongue down some other girl’s throat.

This FUCKER. 

“...when was this?”, the words sounded foreign to your ears, as if spoken by someone else. But you knew from the way Satoru assessed you with slight concern that it was you who asked this.

“...last week.” 

Last week? Last week was when your boyfriend(?) was out of town for some alleged family dinner at the Zenin Estate. And the week before that as well. At this point, was any of it real?

“Another dinner, babe? Old man Zenin sure is stepping up with the family bonding.” you chuckle, as Naoya fixes his hair in the mirror.

“Yeah. Won’t be home tonight.”

“Staying at the Estate again? Ugh, well, stay safe. Love you!” you chirp as he flits out the door. Disappointed but, whatever, time to binge-watch those shitty rom-coms he complains about.

The longer you sat on that too-high seat at the bar counter, the longer things began lining up. His short fuse, the incessant texts, and most of all - his paranoia that you were cheating on him with any and every male in the vicinity. It was actually one of the things you’d blown up over before you left for the night.

“What? Naoya, babe, he’s literally my friend’s boyfriend. Why would I ever-”

“Oh yeah? Well I couldn’t tell cuz you’re such a fuckin’ slut. Y’know, going on dates behind my back and all.”

“It was a GROUP HANGOUT, I haven’t seen these people in ages. What the fuck is up with you these days- I literally love you and only you. Look - can’t we just celebrate our anniversary like usual, c’mon…”

“Just fuck off.”

Tears well up in your eyes. How could he do this to you? After two entire years? 

You felt so stupid. Your thoughts were running a million miles a minute, and it stopped on one - you were going to get revenge. 

Abruptly getting down from your seat, you turn without remembering to say so much as a goodbye to Satoru. Fuming, and mind filled only with thoughts of how you’d burn Naoya’s ugly, overpriced shirts. Or maybe you could even send his unflattering nudes to the Zenin family groupchat - that would give those uptight fossils a real kick.

Your thoughts of enacting revenge are halted only when a large hand wraps around your wrist, stopping you from heading for the club exit. Satoru’s ramblings hit you before you’d even turned to look at him.

“Look- I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean for you to find out this way. I thought you two had an open relationship or something. Which - looking back - how the fuck would a douche canoe like him have ever convinced you to have an open rela-”

Out of the corner of your eye you spotted your friends worriedly making their way towards the two of you. 

You take a quick glance up at Satoru who was still in the middle of mumbling, “-shocked an e-boy bastard like him even pulled you in the first place.”

Fuck it.

Your body moved before your mind. You quickly shot your friends a thumbs up and tight-lipped smile that made them stop in their tracks, still slightly unsure. And with that, you grabbed Satoru and began dragging him to the exit, effectively cutting off his long-winded apology and/ or Naoya diss track.

Eyes firmly facing forward, you miss the mixture of delighted and scandalized expressions on your friends’ faces. The only thing distantly registering in your mind being the cold touch of Satoru’s wrist.

It was quiet outside. Your ears were ringing a bit from the chaos of the club, so you bask slightly in the serenity before Satoru speaks up from beside you, “So…changed your mind, Ms. Taken?”

Oh, right. You took a prize with you - and he didn’t even know your name, yet.

“Ah! Sorry- That was just on impulse, I didn’t mean-”, now it was your turn to ramble apologies for your hasty reaction. Just because you wanted to get back at your boyfriend doesn’t mean you should involve someone else in it!

After apologizing and giving him your name, you look up to see the twinkle in Satoru’s eyes. He seemed…amused?

“I did take you for a bit of a thrill-seeker after the table incident, but damn…”, he chuckles. “Well, now that we’re acquainted with each other, why don’t we give that lil’ boyfriend of yours something to really be mad about?” 

His words cause a shiver to run down your spine. What? 

He leans in close - so very close - and bats his long lashes, “That is what you dragged me out here for, right?”

Well, maybe you are sort-of the adventurous type. And maybe this is what your freshly heartbroken brain had concocted as revenge for your boyfriend’s betrayal - but wasn’t this too reckless, even for you? With what dignity you have left, you muster, “Once again, I’m so sorry for all of this. Let’s both pretend this never happened, you can head back and I’ll head…home.” 

“Where my cheating scumbag boyfriend is” is the part that goes unsaid. 

Satoru stays unmoving from his place in your personal space, defiantly staring right into your eyes, “You didn’t answer my question, doll.” he hums. 

It might have been the alcohol - or the way his lip curled oh-so-perfectly into a teasing smile - but you find yourself sighing out in defeat. “Fine. Yeah. That is what I brought you out here for but mind you it was impulse and-”

He has the audacity to look absolutely exhilarated at your response, cutting you off to muse “That’s perfect then, isn’t it? You get revenge on that cheating dumbass, and I get to fuck an absolute goddess.” 

At your stunned silence, he quirks an eyebrow and continues, “Come on, you really think I didn’t see the way you were eyeing me up before getting on the dance floor?”

“Well, you’re kinda hard to miss.” you defend, face warming. ‘And either way, I’m still in a relationship, we could even try couples therapy…and besides - I don’t even know you.“ 

Satoru’s grin only seems to grow at each word that spills out of your mouth, he was getting impossibly closer to you. Surprisingly, you didn’t mind it as much as you think you would.

“Why don’t you?” he murmurs, eyes unwavering from your face.

“Huh?”

“Why don’t you get to know me?”

You frown at the question, heart still stinging from the revelation earlier about your boyfriend. “Last time I ‘got to know’ someone it ended up with him cheating on me after two whole years.” you mutter darkly.

The amusement drains from Satoru’s face and his eyebrows furrow as he rasps out “That prick doesn’t deserve you.” His eyes flicker briefly to your lips, he was close enough now that you could slightly smell the liquor from earlier mixed with his expensive cologne. 

It was so intoxicating.

Against the rational part of your brain, you feel yourself leaning into his presence. You challenge, “And you do?”

“Absolutely not.”, he breathes out. 

And - fuck - then you’re kissing him. Because how could you not? Your lips are drawn to Satoru’s own like two halves of a soul that have connected after eons. Unbearable to part. He breathes you in like you were the only thing tethering him to this world. 

A small groan wrecks the back of his throat.

Shit, maybe it was the other way around. 

Your mouth parts, letting his tongue slide in. Satoru tasted sweet - like Baileys and every fantasy of a suave Prince Charming ever. You think that maybe you could get drunk off of his lips alone. You distinctly register the strong arm around your waist pulling you to him, sliding your hand up his chest and into those angelic locks. 

His mouth curls into a smile against yours. “Having fun, doll?” he chuckles, each word punctuated by small pecks to your lips. He pulls back ever-so-slightly to bite and tease the skin on your neck. 

Against your will, a quiet whine rips from your throat. Satoru was everywhere. But it wasn’t enough. You tug at his silky hair.

He seemed to get the memo. Connecting his forehead with yours, Satoru’s hands wander the expanse of your body before resting it on your ass, squeezing it lightly. “C’mon, use your words.”, he sounds just as breathless as you feel.

Raising your neck a little higher, lips ghosting over his, you whisper, “Satoru…I want to fuck you.”

He huffs out a laugh before murmuring lowly in your ear - words meant for you and only you - “No, doll. I want you to ruin me.” 

Your thighs press together, he was going to be the death of you. Satoru catches the small movement and hums thoughtfully, “I got a lil’ place nearby. Wanna go?”

This was stupid. This was reckless. And you were going to do it.

Following your impatient nod, the both of you hurriedly walk the short distance to where Satoru’s car was parked. You share your location with your girls - just in case - before Satoru pushes you against the backseat door of his jet black Hellcat.

Lips connecting once more, he groans out, “Need you here right now.” sounding at his wits end, “Please, doll.”

Before you know it, the door is opened and slammed shut, and you’re sinking into the plush leather seat. Satoru is hovering over you now, dim street light illuminating the lust on his features. You looked into his darkened eyes, now hinging on a black that matched his car. The air was still. Waiting.

Then broken by the cacophony of the theme song to Oggy & The Cockroaches. 

Ah, how classy. 

Mentally cursing yourself for how out-of-place that joke ringtone was, you pull out your phone as Satoru backs up a bit. Your heart stops at the caller ID - “Naoya <3” - anger and guilt filling you.

“Answer it.”, you hear from above you. Satoru, who had looked at your phone screen while you froze, was now smirking devilishly. He kisses your forehead reassuringly, repeating “Answer it.”

Well…you’ve already come this far…

“Hello?” you stammer out, answering the call. 

Your heart clenches as you hear Naoya’s voice demanding to know where you are right now. But his words go in one ear and out the other as you pay more attention to where Satoru held you, letting him do as he pleases while he takes the liberty to trail his hands where your skirt was hiking up. You could feel his thumb rubbing circles into your thighs. Tease. 

“Hellooo, can you hear me? Haven’t you had enough of fucking feeling sorry for yourself??” Naoya’s grating voice snapped you out of your reverie. 

Right, you still had to deal with that.

“Listen, baby, I’m sorry.”

Satoru’s hot breaths were fanning your hair now. His fingers continue their dance on your thigh. Feathery touch too light for any sort of friction, but just enough to set your skin ablaze. 

“Jus’ wanna tell ya don’t worry. I will be late, don’t stay up and wait for me.”

He bends down to kiss the crook of your neck and you feel his smile against your skin. Devilish and dangerous. Angling your head slightly, a jolt of electricity goes through your body as you meet his intense gaze - one that makes you feel vulnerable and exposed, despite being fully clothed. 

The grip on your phone weakens - only one thought running through your mind right now. 

Satoru won’t let you get out of this alive.

Your heated thoughts are once again interrupted by Naoya’s nagging complaints. Usually, you would have simpered on the line, but right now consoling your boyfriend was the last thing on your mind. 

“Say again? You’re dropping out, my battery is low…Jus’ so ya know, we’re going to a place nearby.”

Naoya’s shrieks of profanity are loud enough for Satoru to hear as well. He chokes on a laugh, quickly muffling it in the valley of your chest. 

You have to hold back a yelp as his soft hairs tickle your nose. Evidently bored of all your conversation, Satoru’s hand finally slips past your skirt and begins playing with the hem of your lacy panty.

Shit.

“Gotta go-”

And with that, you quickly hang up the phone and let it fall to god-knows-where. Satoru immediately catches your lips again, “Thank fuck, e-boy bastard was about to make me lose my boner.���, he mumbles against them. He presses hot, open-mouthed kisses against your neck and all the way down to your chest. “Keeping me your dirty lil’ secret, huh?”

A mischievous grin makes its way to your face as you hum, “For now. Revenge cheating isn’t as fun when they already know about it.” 

You wrap your legs around Satoru’s waist to pull him closer, feeling the outline of his cock. He grinds against you, letting out low, strangled groans at the touch of your clothed core. Both of you knew it - he wanted you so bad. 

Satoru’s fingers were now rubbing against your folds through your panty, causing you to moan at the friction. He playfully nipped at your collarbone before looking at you with eyes that look like he wanted to eat you alive. 

“Let me taste you.” he breathes out. 

You nod, not trusting yourself to speak. Urgently, Satoru wasted no time in helping you sit up against the door, falling onto his knees to come face-to-face with your dripping pussy. He licks a long stripe, hands tightly gripping your ass to hold you in place. 

Where Satoru was suave when kissing you, he was absolutely filthy when making out with your cunt. “Mm- Tastes s’good, doll.” he moans against your wet lips. You couldn’t hold back your groans of pleasure, his mouth making your head spin. 

Finally, his hands on your ass swiftly remove your flimsy panties - completely soaked with slick and spit. You reach out to take a hold of them, but Satoru redirects your hands onto his hair. “Use me.” he grins. Walls fluttering at how fucked out he sounds already, you almost miss the way he pockets your wet panties.

He dives back into making out with your pussy, Tongue pushing its way through your folds and tasting every inch of you with purpose. His nose keeps rubbing against your clit, and mewls rip from your throat to harmonize with the lewd squelching sounds from below. 

Satoru pulls back to admire his work, satisfied at the disappointed gasp coming from you. “Fuck- look at you. So pretty and dripping f’me. Gonna make a mess of my seats, doll?” he rasps out. 

“Shut up.” you whine embarrassed, pushing Satoru’s head to where you need him the most. He relishes in the rough treatment, rolling his tongue harshly over and over against your throbbing clit. 

“Shit! Satoru!” you yelp in ecstasy as you buck your hips into his face. More.

Satoru now uses two fingers to spread your cunt even more, admiring. 

He bullies a long finger into your wet pussy. His ice-cold ring rubbing the base of your folds in stark contrast with the hot vibrations of his moans on your clit. It was all too much. You squeeze around his head - which only seems to spur Satoru on more as he increases his pace. 

A second finger slides in, curling in unison to search for that spot inside you which Satoru knew would have your sweet moans singing louder. 

Ah, there.

“S’good Satoru. Fuck. Right there, don’ stop.”, you whine as Satoru fervently continues his attack on your cunt. 

You call out his name over and over again. Satoru was everywhere. Everything. And he was the only thing on your mind as you cum with a strangled gasp of his name; iron-tight grip on his hair helping you ride it out on his pretty face. 

While you descend from the heaven Satoru sent you to, he continues giving kittenish pecks to your pulsing cunt. Experimental licks making your thighs squeeze more around his face. He looked absolutely fucked out, eyes hooded and face flushed a delicate pink.

As the heartbeat ringing in your ears subside, you register that goddamn Oggy & The Cockroaches ringtone in the distance again.

Half-consciously reaching a hand out to feel it for it, you already know who it is before you take a look at the phone screen. 

Naoya <3

The exasperation must show on your face, because Satoru reaches out a toned arm and silences your phone before setting it down - all while still nose-deep in your pussy. He pulls away, the absolute mess of spit and slick still connecting him to you and covering his devilish grin. It makes your cunt throb once more. 

“Couples therapy is too expensive anyway.”, he rolls his eyes. 

You spot the very obvious outline of Satoru’s cock straining against his trousers. He looked painfully hard. 

God, you needed him.

Reaching out an unsteady hand, “Let me-” you begin before you were interrupted by his hands tenderly intertwining with yours for the nth time this night. His soft lips press a gentle kiss to them. And despite the lewd acts you two had been doing not even a minute before, this is what makes your cheeks heat up the most.

“I want you so bad, you wouldn’t even believe. But trust me, where we’re going I can have you however I want. Properly.” his words strained, and going straight to your pussy. 

And it’s the last thing said before he pulls your skirt back down and opens the door, only carrying you carefully to his passenger seat. “Safety first.” Satoru chirps, as he pulls over your seatbelt before closing the door and making his way to the driver’s seat.

Was he coddling you?

The drive to Satoru’s place is slightly rushed, his impatience showing in the way his fingers drum against the steering wheel. 

Fingers that were in you. 

Your cheeks burn as you try not to look behind and see the mess that you surely left on his overpriced seats. Whether from the blasting AC or from the prospect of what was about to happen, goosebumps rise on your skin. 

They stay prominent as Satoru pulls into the extravagant driveway of the type of apartment complex that you’d sneer at on a normal day. 

You feel very out of place at the gaudy entrance without panties under your short skirt. 

Satoru hands his keys to the valet before steadily making his way to you, pulling you to him with a strong arm around your waist. “Told ya I got a lil’ place nearby.” he drawls into your ear.

“Nothing too little about this place. Compensating?” you tease, and watch his eyes crinkle as he laughs. 

“Well. You’ll find out soon enough.” 

The walk to the elevator is rushed, and you two have to fight to keep your hands to yourselves if you didn’t want to permanently scar the sweet old couple riding it alongside you. 

Finally. Finally you reach his floor,

Penthouse, you note.

“Couples therapy is expensive” my ass! Does this guy run a drug cartel or what?

Roughly pushing you against his door, Satoru’s lips are once again on yours. He firmly grinds his erection against your core, massaging your ass in the process. 

Ah, you don’t think he’s compensating. 

A deep moan leaves Satoru as he feels the clenching of your naked cunt against him. You yelp when he moves your legs to wrap around his waist, effectively lifting you off the ground as if you weigh nothing. 

One hand steadying you, he quickly punches in the code to his door.

Even as he enters and kicks the door closed, Satoru’s lips don’t leave yours. He blindly turns on a light before pulling back to admire you. You felt like you were losing your sanity, “You’re stupidly good at this, y’know.” you murmur, uncharacteristically somewhat shy. 

He chuckles, removing your shoes before setting you down. Yet, your feet touch his cold mahogany floors for only a split second before Satoru has you in a bridal carry. “Save your praises for the bedroom, doll.” he chuckles out.

It’s a short walk to his room - or maybe Satoru was rushing - but his lips are on you as soon as your back hits the soft navy sheets of his king-sized bed. Maybe if you were in a clear state of mind you’d better appreciate the beauty of Satoru’s sleek interior décor. But right now you were only focused on the open-mouthed kisses he was leaving on your covered breasts.

“I have a feeling you’ll like me a lot less if I rip this off.” he tugs on the hem of your shirt with his teeth. 

“Duh. And you really talk too much.” you huff out in impatience and quickly discard your top while Satoru pulls off your skirt. 

He pecks you, hand reaching behind to unclasp your bra and leave you completely bare to him. “Not fair that I’m the only one naked.” your voice tinged with embarrassment as you start unbuttoning his shirt while he teases and pulls at your hardened nipples. Satoru lets you manhandle him to your liking, and manhandle him you did. 

You flip your positions so that you are straddling him, overpriced white button-up now thrown across the room. 

Holy shit, he really is a gym rat.

You kiss your way down the white happy trail on his sculpted body, squeezing his pecs and licking long stripes up his prominent abs. “Hah- yes. Please.” Satoru’s moans sound heavily, and it spurs you to make quick work removing his belt. Rivaling your impatience, he hooks a thumb under his trousers and urgently discards it. 

Yeah, definitely not compensating. 

Satoru is long, and flushed a pretty pink that matches his cheeks. His weeping tip makes the prominent vein along his length glisten in the low light. So perfect.

Mouth salivating, Satoru watches you with predatory eyes as you lean closer and closer. “Bigger than your lil’ boyfriend, huh?” he hums cockily. You roll your eyes and shut him up by spitting right on his flushed head. You kiss it slowly, relishing in the low hiss drawn from him, 

“Hngh- F-fuck, doll”. Pumping his base slowly, you take his head into your mouth. Bobbing at a steady rhythm that has Satoru’s eyes rolling to the back of his head.

“Fuck. So fuckin’ good. Keep- keep going.” Satoru moans. You hum around him in a way that has his hips bucking into your mouth. You could tell - he wanted to push you down like a fucktoy and chase his high, but right now he was completely under your control.

Nails digging into his toned hips, you take his cock in further. “Yes yes yes yes. Jus’ like that.” he whines, one hand grabbing your hair into a makeshift ponytail and the other gripping onto the bed sheets. 

It was messy. Drool pooling at the corner of your mouth, you gag on Satoru’s length as you suck it. Suddenly, his grip on your hair has you pulling off of his cock with a pop. 

His hand moves to squish your wet lips together in a pout, “Can’t have me finish before the main course now, can we, doll?” his gravelly voice drawls. 

In a split-second, Satoru flips your position to hover over you. His hands groping and admiring every inch of skin he can see. Eventually, his fingers find their way back to your cunt, “Such a pretty pussy. All f’me.” he spreads your lips teasingly before plunging inside - two fingers easily finding the spot from before. 

Ever the multitasker, he sucks and teases your nipples, switching between the two to give them equal attention. You writhe, the pleasure from every point becoming too much. “Ah! Hngh- Satoru don’ stop” you moan out. 

He adds another finger at a relentless pace, “Satoru! S- Toru! Toru. I’m close.” your words slur together as Satoru’s name falls like a prayer from your mouth. You were still sensitive from before, so it wasn’t long before you were cumming all over Satoru’s fingers with a final mewl. 

But you two weren’t done - far from it. 

“Need you so bad, Toru.” you breathe out, half-lucidly. 

Proud smirk on his face, Satoru quickly fishes out a condom from his bedside drawer. Through the hazy aftermath of your second climax, you hear him mumble sweet reassurances to you as he rolls you over onto your stomach. 

A soft caress of his fingers at your pussy and you feel his head rubbing your folds. 

Worriedly you breathe out, “Toru- it won’t-”

“Shhh, doll. I’ll make it.” 

You whine in both pain and ecstasy as Satoru bullies his thick cock into your cunt. “Oh god. S’tight. So fucking tight.” he gasps out in pleasure, starting to move in shallow thrusts that have your eyes rolling to the back of your head.

His large hand pushes down on your back, making you arch into his cock, the other starts incessantly rubs desperate circles on your sensitive clit. A few tears stream down your face from the sheer overstimulation. But it felt good - so good. Your moans grow louder as the pleasure starts overtaking the pain.

“More, Toru.”

“Oh yeah?”

Satoru’s thrusts get deeper and deeper, until he finally buries his cock into you as deep as it could go. Throaty groans spilling out of his mouth, he leans over and bites you at the crook of your neck hard, still slamming into you at an intense tandem. You yelped at both the new angle and the bite which was sure to leave a lasting mark.

Now, Satoru has tolerated many types of people through clubbing, your bastard boyfriend wasn’t any different. It was when he showed a picture of you that things got interesting. 

Perfect. So perfect. You’d be better off with someone else than that smug lil’ gremlin. Like him…

And when he saw you tonight dancing like that.

Satoru had to have you.

“Bet he never fucked you like this.” His every word punctuated by a hard thrust. Shit, you didn’t even want to think about him right now. Your walls flutter around Satoru’s thick cock, throaty groans leaving him as his toned arm grabs the headboard for some stability. “Pussy fuckin’ sucking me in just right. Hah- so good.”

Feeling that very familiar coil in your abdomen, you mewl, “Toru- I’m gonna-”, face burying deeper into his luxurious bed. 

Suddenly, the friction you crave so badly halts as Satoru pulls out to flip you onto your back with a playful smack to your ass. “Fuck. Wanna look at your beautiful face as you cum.” he mutters into your ear. 

Leaning down to tug on your breasts, he looks at you with deceivingly innocent eyes as he keeps up his merciless cadence. Your arms reach around his muscled back to dig your nails into the unblemished skin. It felt so animalistic, the way his heavy balls were slapping your ass, stimulating you just right. Your hips buck up to meet Satoru’s, causing him to let out a strangled moan “Shit, doll. Pussy made jus’ for me. I’m so close.”

“M-me too.” his fingers start their abuse on your clit once more, “Hngh- Toru.” you whimper. Overstimulated and senses filled with only Satoru, you finally cum, riding it out on his deep thrusts. 

Tears stream down your face as you come for the 3rd time tonight. 

“Fuck- FUCK. Yeah, cum on my cock, doll. Jus’ like that.” he moans out as your pussy clenches down on him, finally tipping over the edge as well. 

You feel Satoru cum in hot spurts into the condom, rasping your name over and over as if it was the only word he knew. 

He collapses onto you, careful not to crush you with his full bodyweight. As you both come down from your highs, he quickly removes the condom and hugs your sweaty body closer to his. You feel more relaxed than you have in ages. Moves veiled in exhaustion, Satoru nuzzles your hickies as a lover would. 

So he was a cuddler.

Giggling at the contrast from before, you lay there in a blissed out silence almost has you falling asleep. You take the moment to appreciate just how pretty Satoru in his post-orgasmic euphoria was. Cloudy locks disheveled, and lips a wet, rosy pink. His cerulean eyes were barely keeping open as he gives innocent pecks to your lips.

The serenity is disrupted by a familiar, unpleasant cacophony of vibrations near the edge of the bed where your phone had been thrown. The fucked out little smile on Satoru’s face grows as he realizes who it is. “Gonna answer the phone, doll?” he rasps out.

You raise a brow, “Why? Wanna give him a show?” you tease, not expecting the hum of agreement from Satoru. “Why not? Show him jus’ how I fuck you right?” he cocks his head, challenging you. 

Your knee brushes up against his half-hard cock, causing a drawn-out hiss from him. His hips lightly rutting into you, you watch in satisfaction as tears spring to Satoru’s half-alert eyes. From pleasure or overstimulation? Probably both.

Well, the score was You - 1, Satoru - 3. 

Might as well try and catch up. 

Round two, you guess.

You snatch your phone before it topples off the now-untucked bedsheets. 

Naoya <3 is video calling…

Pinning Satoru down, you scoot down the bed and hand him your phone, which he gratefully takes with a mischievous smile. Positioning yourself in-between his strong legs, you gently kiss his twitching cock, now painted with spit and cum.

The delicate tears in his eyes now track down his flushed face. Satoru lets out a choked out whine, bucking his hips and smearing his cum all over your swollen lips. 

And he answers the call. 

“Where- WHAT THE FUCK???”

Happy anniversary, you jerk.

A/N. I don’t condone cheating but c’mon it’s Gojo Satoru.

Plagiarism not authorized.

[rin-may-1103]

Just a Bite.

Master Post | Next

Danny stared out at the busy street from behind his dumpster.

or well, not his dumpster, but it might as well be his considering how many nights he's spent sitting behind it like some rabid raccoon.

Two months ago, he would have been sleeping in his own bed. His glow-in-the-dark stars vaguely lighting up his room in soft luminescent colors. The sound of Jazz snoring in her sleep just a room over, his parents still milling around in the basement.

he would have just finished fighting the box ghost and collapsed onto his bed, the sound of his home lulling him to sleep.

Oh, how things can change in a blink of an eye.

No, instead of sleeping on his bed with his cartoon ghost sheets and NASA poster covered room, he's out here in some random dirty city, sleeping behind dumpsters.

dirty, grimy, rusty dumpsters.

"did you hear?" some lady dressed in a light blue summer dress asked, turning to look at her friend as they started to walk past. "Mr. Wayne donated another lump sum to that charity." she huffed, shaking her head like she had just said the most ridiculous thing she'd ever heard.

her friend stopped in the middle of the alley opening, her graying hair splaying in an ark as she twisted to face the other women. "my word! again? what the hell is that man thinking?"

the woman huffed, then smirked in amusement. "it's like he's shouting for the world to hear how desperate he is for attention. he thinks if he donates enough money to those scoudrails they'll love him or something. With how he's acting lately, it's like he wants all the street rats to barge into his home asking for money, food, and clothes."

her friend clicked her tongue in disgust, "I'd believe it. he has so many kids now, it's like he's running an orphanage. someone, anyone really, with black hair and some tragic story could walk right in and not even be noticed. they'd blend right in with the others."

"I heard it's genetic, his father was the same way before he met Martha. Bruce's blood son, Damian I believe, acts just like his father. the boy's been spotted taking stray cats and dogs inside. It wouldn't surprise me if the paper posted about him convincing his father for another sibling at some point."

the women then turned and started to walk away, their conversation slowly bleeding into the surrounding city ruckus.

Danny leaned back, resting his head against the crumbling brick behind him.

walk right in and not be noticed? wouldn't that be grand. He had heard of Mr. wayne and his gaggle of black-haired children. What were their names again? he could have sworn Sam told him before, in one of her rants about rich society.

Richard Grayson was the first, Danny remembered because Tucker had been making none stop dick jokes for a few hours. Danny didn't understand why the man would willingly go by Dick, but then again, who was he to question someone's name when he fights ghosts like Skulker and Technis on a daily basis?

Next was... Jason? Sam had mentioned there was a whole conspiracy theory of how his death was a cover-up. how all the unsolved crime community swore it was Bruce who killed the kid, that or the kid had some terminal illness that Bruce didn't want the media to know about.

thennnnnn-

Danny glanced around, trying to dig through his memories of Sam's rant. Dick: the orphaned circus act taken in the night his parents died. he's romanie? maybe, Danny wasn't too sure on that one. Jason: taken off the streets, one of his parents was out of the picture and the other one died of a drug overdose.

and then there was..... Tim! Right, Tim, the one who was Mr. Wayne's neighbor before his mother died and his dad went into a coma, then died later on. right, right. he was the known tech genius, the one who took over the company while Mr. Wayne stepped back for a while.

there were others? like, four others? Damian, the lady said he was the blood son sooo, that would imply he was the only bio kid.

who else was there? hmmmm.

well, either way, Danny's tired brain agreed with the women. someone, anyone, who looked vaguely like the other kids could walk right into the house and no one would notice.

it was a bad idea. a terrible one really. but. Danny was hungry.

he's been sleeping behind dumpsters for a few weeks now, he hadn't had anything good to eat in forever, and he was tired. (not as exhausted as he was back home, but still tired. who would have guessed he'd sleep more while homeless?)

he wasn't going to steal from people, his core wouldn't allow him to. and well, he's pretty sure Dan would have stolen already, so there was no way Danny was going to. not unless his life was at risk, and well? it wasn't right now, so no stealing.

but this? walking right into a house and blatantly taking food? right in front of them?

it wouldn't be stealing if he just flat-out didn't try to hide it. they'd be able to stop him and send him away. heck, he doubted he'd even make it past the front gate before they turned him away.

...

was he really going to do this?

...

yes, yes he was.

standing up, Danny started making his way out of the alleyway and over to the tall building with Wayne's name on it. It was a good place to start, maybe he could even find one of the kids and walk with them. or, even better, he could find Mr. Wayne and walk with him. he liked that better than following some kid around.

suddenly, a car honked right next to him, the window rolling down to reveal a tired and disheveled man behind the wheel. glancing up, Danny made eye contact with the taxi driver.

the man yawned and gestured for him to get in, already speaking before Danny could decline. "Mr. Wayne! Your father," yawn, "Father already paid for me to take you home. just hop in."

Danny blinked then glanced around, looking to see if the Wayne the man was talking about was around. nope. turning back, Danny spotted a green sticky note on the back seat.

well, alright then. guess he was getting into the taxi and doing this after all. Clockwork obviously approved if he messed with the timing of things.

Next

[stars-in-a-jam-jar]

I don't think Buddy asks Helio any questions.

Kristen asked 'Why do bad things happen to good people?' because she believed in all the good things she was taught, but noticed the strange disconnect between the world as it was and the world as it was taught to her. So she thought, surely, if I can't come up with the answer, Helio will have it. And she hates him for dodging her question.

Buddy is far more deluded than Kristen ever was. And he is far, far angrier inside as a result, even if he deliberately conceals this fact from himself to protect himself from the inevitable mental breakdown this would cause. Buddy is not as altruistic and giving and caring as Kristen is. He wouldn't question why he was betrayed or dig into a question like 'Why do bad things happen to good people?' Those aren't the answers he needs, because of course he'd be betrayed by someone outside the church, that makes perfect sense. Of course bad things happen to good people, we simply live in a fallen world.

Or, well. He used to live in a fallen world. Now he's dead here. In Helio's divine domain.

I think Buddy, as he wanders through fields of corn to the big farmhouse where Helio is chilling out, privately thinks about the fact that Kristen Applebees' horrified expression was the last thing he ever saw before a sharp pain in his throat. I think Buddy assumes Helio knows he's thinking this and apologizes for bringing thoughts like that into paradise. I think he thanks Helio for recognizing his devotion and bringing him here once he died and dutifully deceives himself about his own rising emotions at contending with the fact that he's dead now.

After all, he was raised to die. He was raised to want to die.

To want to be here with his god whenever it was he called Buddy to him. So he doesn't feel upset, no, of course not. He's just a little surprised at how sudden it was. (How completely random. How unceremonious and unfair.) He's a little bit worried how his grandparents would react to the news is all. (He cracks a joke that maybe he'll see them here shortly after they do get the news. He doesn't laugh at it.) He had his own plans for how he'd spread the good word in life, but of course, Helio had other plans. (Nothing Buddy ever wanted really mattered. He knew that, he knew the will of Helio was the real thing that mattered, and everything else was just a small list of preapproved extracurriculars in the syllabus of his life.)

He can't be upset about this.

He shouldn't be upset about this.

This is his reward.

This place and these people and this god are his reward for a life of service and devotion and walking in the light.

It's not his place to be upset about his own reward. Kristen got upset when she went to heaven, when she met Helio, and look where that got her.

Look... look where that got her.

He thinks he hates her. For looking at him like that. All the ways she looked at him. Like he was something pitiful and contemptible. Someone she needed to threaten away from her little brother. Someone she has to double and triple check if he's going to revive her when he's under magical oath to do just that or lose his connection to a divinity she threw away after being chosen.

And then. In that last moment, she looked at him and he saw grief and horror and caring. Like his death was awful and unfair and tragic.

And he thinks maybe he hates her for that. For challenging him every conversation they had and looking at him like she knew something he didn't. Like she was above him. Like killing your own god twice in life is a preferable fate to living for the promise of eternal sunlight and cornbread in death. A promise which was kept to him.

Kristen was promised to Helio, too.

And he can't unsee her face. He can't move along and focus on what truly matters (Helio, the church, spreading the word, doling out divine punishment when needed) because he's reached the end. There is nothing left. Only this bright sunny cornfield and a god who... is nice. And who cares about him, personally. He got Buddy's name wrong the first and only time they held audience.

He thinks he hates Kristen, and he hates that that hatred isn't immediately squashed out of his soul just by being here. In paradise. Where he belongs. Where every follower of Helio belongs. Where he never has to have anyone look at him the way Kristen did ever again.

I don't think Buddy Dawn asks Helio any questions. Because how do you ask the god you devoted every waking minute of your life to, 'Why do I hate it here? Why does this feel like hell?'

(There's a part 2 now that the next ep is out >:3)

[wonderjanga]

Marvel Eating Random Things

I love allllllllll the Billy eating random things as Marvel posts/headcanons. I don’t know why. I just love it. I love unhinged Marvel soooo much. But what if we took it one step further and had Marvel eat anything, including living creatures. Also, I’m gonna connect this to the Marvel being a Good Cook post. In that post, he’s just a good cook basically.

Flash: *passed out on the floor of the kitchen in a hypoglycemic coma*

Marvel: *walks into the kitchen and stops dead in his tracks* “Wally?” *walks over and prods him with his shoe* “Are you dead?” *kneels down to sniff him* “Can I eat you?”

Flash: *groans*

Marvel: *stands up* “Oh, thank the gods.” *picks Wally up to take him to the medbay* “Come on, bud. Let’s see if we can fix you up.”

A little bit later…

Flash: *on a medical cot and wakes up*

Marvel: *nearby, doing a crossword puzzle*

Flash: *sees Marvel* “Cap?”

Marvel: “Yes?” *fills in one of the words on the puzzle*

Flash: “Did you… Did you ask if you could eat me?”

Marvel: “Nope.”

Flash: “Yeah, that’s what I thought. It’s just I swear I heard you say something like that.” *sits up, stomach rumbling*

Marvel: “You were pretty knocked out, man. I don’t remember saying that.” *puts crossword down* “Why don’t we get something to eat? Like chili dogs or burgers or something?”

Flash: “Sounds great.” *gets off the cot so they can head to the zetas*

He gaslit, gatekeeped, and girlbossed. He’s also done this to multiple leaguers by the way. One of them was Batman who now has a recording of Billy asking if he could eat him. Bruce listened to it a solid ten times because in this AU, he knows next to nothing about Marvel, and now, because of this recording, he’s wondering if Marvel is, or was even human.

Then, there was the time him and Wonder Woman went together to wrangle some demons back into Tartarus. Unfortunately, one of the demons died during the process and didn’t make it back into the gates. So, now Diana and Billy were stuck with a demon corpse.

Diana: *looking at the corpse* “What should we do with it?”

Marvel: *also looking at the corpse* “Hmm… I have an idea.”

Diana: “Oh? Could you sha-” *now sees Marvel in his little lightning bolt apron and chef hat* “Why’re you dressed like that?”

Marvel: “I like to get into it.” *starts pulling salt, pepper, paprika, Goya Adobo, basically a bunch of seasonings out of his pocket dimension*

Diana: “Cap…? Cap. You can’t seriously be suggesting we eat the demon?”

Marvel: “I’m not suggesting anything. I’m just politely telling you that it’s one, delicious, and two also delicious.” *conjures up a giant, demon-sized, floating frying pan from nowhere with a fire underneath it*

Diana: *watches as Marvel picks the demon up, puts it in the pan, and starts seasoning*

She does end up eating some of the demon later with Marvel. Though she swore she would “never do it again.” But, when she heard Marvel tell her of a demon that tastes like hard candy when you mix its body with a certain magical herb, she wouldn’t admit it, but she had second thoughts. Those second thoughts amped up when he told her they were really good to eat with ice cream.

Then, there was the time with Aquaman. He came over to Atlantis because he wanted to see Aquaman’s sea creatures. His school had a field trip to the aquarium and he not only did he not have an adult to sign the permission slip, he also didn’t have enough money to pay the fare. Thankfully, Billy’s Marvel form didn’t need to breathe so he could go underwater just fine. Meanwhile, Arthur was just happy to yap about the sea creatures to and listen intently and ask questions and all that. Unfortunately, some mermaids swam up and decided to ruin their fun. Now, you see, they were sort of fighting them in an underwater cave and all the fighting caused a piece of rubble to come loose and fall on one of the mermaids, killing her. This caused the rest of them to run.

Aquaman: “Alright, back to the tour.” *sees Marvel casually sawing off the mermaid’s tail* “What’re you doing, man?”

Marvel: “I’m gonna eat this later.” *holds the mermaid tail up, shaking it a little*

Aquaman: “Oh. Cool. Can I have some?”

Marvel: “Sure, I can make it when our tours done.” *puts the mermaid tail in his pocket dimension*

Aquaman: “Nice, I’ll bring some Atlantean mead.”

Later…

Marvel and Aquaman: *both munching on mermaid tail*

Aquaman: “This really good!” *grabs some mead to drink down his mouthful of fish*

Marvel: “Thanks.” *munches on fish* “You know, I was surprised you wanted to eat this.”

Aquaman: “Why?”

Marvel: “You can talk to fish right? So, if you were to go to an aquarium, wouldn’t you hear some fish screaming to be let out or something?”

Aquaman: “Geez, I haven’t been to an aquarium since I was a kid.” *sounding nostalgic* “But nah, they normally just chill.”

Marvel: “I haven’t been to one ever. And really? Huh.” *munches on fish more* “But I guess what I’m really asking is if you’re sensitive about eating fish or not.”

Aquaman: “Nah, not really. In this great big sea, what did you think the main source of protein was? Plus, this is mermaid, it’s only technically fish.”

Marvel: *shrugs* “So is that a no? You don’t care about eating fish?”

Aquaman: *nods head as he drinks more mead* “It’s a no.”

Marvel: “Sweet! Cause I have a bunch of fish recipes I wanna try out.”

About an hour after this, Marvel had to help Aquaman home since the Atlantean challenged him to a drinking contest, not knowing the Captain couldn’t get drunk. Mera had a brow raised at Billy judgmentally the entire time he explained why he came home with her husband black out drunk.

[bakugoushotwife]

in my opinion, gojo’s storyline has been handled so so poorly i can’t help but think it’s intentional. it is not bad writing to kill a character—even a beloved character. i know most people will dismiss my criticisms because gojo is so beloved to me and so many others. i’ve said before that i don’t mind if he died. does it hurt? of course, and i would still cry and be sad about it. but there is a beautiful way to do it. with respect and honor for his legacy—for what he has done for your manga, the characters in it, and audiences worldwide. but no…gege chose the path of horror and disrespect. at certain points i’d say to myself, well. this is a dark manga. but essentially gojo is the only character that receives this treatment. since the beginning—since suguru left him, he’s been wondering if he mattered because he was a person, or if he only mattered because he was powerful and useable. we certainly fucking answered that question. he is a weapon and nobody ever cared about him at all!!!

and we knew he was being used—he knew he was being used, but he is selfless. so he did it for his kids. for megumi and yuuji and yuuta—he wanted them to be safe. in these flashbacks it’s exceedingly clear that he knew he would die. again—that’s not my issue. gojo dying to sukuna makes plenty of sense and it would hurt to leave it there. but to give us an afterlife scene where he’s presented a choice—north and south—that concept lead nowhere, that’s truly fucked up. to leave all the subtle clues and hints for no reason but to keep people reading and theorizing his return is fucked up. to continue to use his imagery to promote your manga when you know he’s not even honored in your manga is fucked up. we don’t get a funeral or a grave for him. no one’s spoken about him in chapters despite him fighting for hours against sukuna and damaging him so much that yuuji could win, nothing. yuuta wearing him like a costume and no one is horrified about it. i thought his students WERE different. they weren’t jujutsu society yet. that’s why gojo was their teacher—shaping them into better human beings. how am i supposed to trust in their future when it seems they’re just as cold and heartless as everyone before them? no one has honored gojo in any way since the moment he died. and they’ve forgotten about him. he spent his entire life fighting and no one can even say thank you. gege intentionally used gojo to promote the end of his manga because he knows that gojo fans make up at least half of his fanbase so had we stopped reading when he died, he would have lost a lot of traction. he baited us intentionally, cruelly, and something that transcends storytelling. i’ve truly never seen a mangaka have this sort of vitriol for one of their characters and the people that love him.

we spent the entire last chapter talking about some random fucking mission when we have several unanswered questions and concerns. i thought gege said he wanted this ending to be shocking and something you didn’t see in shonen? tying everything up neatly where no one has any trauma or grief for what they’ve experienced, everyone comes back to life except the one character you hate specifically and choso, defying your own power structures and having everyone laughing into the sunset is exactly how shonen ends so what in the fuck is he talking about??

let me disclaim, this is not megumi hate at all. i love him very much and i am so happy he’s back with the group but like. he shouldn’t be able to even walk. he tanked unlimited void for over 6 minutes whenever that length caused irreversible damage to sukuna himself. not to mention the countless black flashes. so what the fuck? he doesn’t mention gojo at all?? the first time he laughs in this manga is after he reads a note written by his dead fucking caretaker about his dead fucking father? like i don’t believe. random open ended kenjaku/suguru mention just to piss me off, an absolutely no mention of gojos sacrifice or how they’ll miss him. i’m sick to my stomach. gege defiled his memory both in the story and outside of it. wow.

P.S. SUKUNA CARED MORE ABOUT GOJO THAN ANYONE ELSE (SUGURU IS NOT INCLUDED IN THIS I MEAN HIS STUDENTS AND SOCIETY)

[dazzlingjaeyun]

𝐫𝐮𝐢𝐧 𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩 – 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐤 𝐣𝐨𝐧𝐠𝐬𝐞𝐨𝐧𝐠

bestfriend!jay x fem!reader

genre: friends to lovers, fake dating, fluff & a tiny bit of angst <3

warnings: mentions of food, skinship, curse words, a tiny bit suggestive at some points

word count: 5.7k

a/n: short mention of &team's nicholas for the sake of the plot; he can literally be read as any other guy, i just needed another name lol

a/n²: i know this is the second f2l au i've written about jay but i just can't help it (we all need best friend jay in our lives) (╥﹏╥)

↝ dazzlingjaeyun's bookshelf

‧̍̊·̊‧̥°̩̥˚̩̩̥͙°̩̥‧̥·̊‧̍̊ ♡ °̩̥˚̩̩̥͙°̩̥ ·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙·̩̩̥͙*̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙ °̩̥˚̩̩̥͙°̩̥ ♡ ‧̍̊·̊‧̥°̩̥˚̩̩̥͙°̩̥‧̥·̊‧̍̊

you were just about to settle down on the sofa next to jay for your usual friday night movie marathon when you heard a low groan escape his lips. his hand was tangled in his hair, frustration evident on his furrowed brows as he stared intently at his phone screen.

“someone’s not excited about movie night?” you teased. “i promise, i’m not making you rewatch finding nemo for the tenth time!”

your best friend shot you a glare, clearly not in the mood for your humor. “it’s not the movie night, idiot,” he said with a low voice. “i have to go back home for family dinner tomorrow…” he explained.

your amused expression shifted to one of confusion. “what’s so bad about that?” you asked.

after all, his family was insanely sweet, and the food was immaculate. you knew that from years of friendship. ever since the two of you had become friends some time in high school, you’d always looked forward to being at his place – specifically when you knew there would be food. and there’d always be food, both of his parents being not only skilled cooks but also very passionate about it. luckily, these traits rubbed off on jay, so now, after you both had left your hometown for college and decided to move in together for the sake of sharing rent, you had your own personal chef.

“nothing usually… but they haven’t stopped asking about my love life ever since we moved here, and it’s so annoying,” he whined, throwing his head back into the cushions of the sofa in frustration. “my mom keeps on asking; i swear she’ll set me up with a random girl if i don’t show up with a girlfriend in the next two months.”

you put your lips together tightly, trying not to laugh at his words. he noticed despite your effort to hide it and took the nearest pillow to throw it at you. “it’s not funny! they just don’t stop.” the tone of his voice grew more desperate.

you successfully dodged the pillow, letting out a small chuckle. “well, why don’t you just tell them that you’re not into girls?” you asked, breaking out in laughter as you saw the bewildered expression on his face. “you’re a terrible friend; you’re no help at all!” he complained, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

your laughter died down soon after, and you looked at him with a more sincere expression. “no, but i’m serious, jay. just tell them that you’re not looking for anything right now. you’re focusing on college, and you’re doing well… and that’s what they’d want for you, after all.”

he sighed. “yeah, no. i tried, but they just don’t stop asking.”

you hummed, thinking about how to help him out of the constant questions. “i mean… it’s not like you haven’t gotten to know any girls,” you started, remembering some nights that he’d asked you to stay over at a friend’s house, or you cursing him for waking you up in the middle of the night when he was busy with a girl next door to your room. “you can tell them you just haven’t found the right one yet. you wouldn’t even lie.”

before he could reply, you blurted out the next idea that came to your mind. “or just ask one of them to join you?”

he shook his head without hesitation. “no way in hell, that would be so awkward. i cannot appear with a girl who i know nothing of and pretend to be her boyfriend? they’ll catch on immediately,” he protested. “besides, i don’t even have the numbers for half of them.”

you raised an eyebrow, looking at him in surprise. he wasn’t the type to fool around, and you knew he hadn’t been with too many girls, but it still surprised you – you wouldn’t have thought your best friend since high school turned out to be this type of person after all.

"you’re terrible, jay,” you laughed.

silence stretched between you for a while. jay’s forehead wrinkled, showing he was deep in thought, before he suddenly looked at you with an expression you didn’t quite understand.

“stop looking at me like that; you’re scaring me,” you said, half joking, half serious.

“you could help me,” he blurted out, before even processing his own thought.

“i already gave you all my ideas,” you replied.

“no, i mean…” he paused as if searching for the right words, “you can pretend to be my girlfriend.”

your eyes widened at his suggestion, the air getting stuck in your throat, forcing you to choke out a cough. “what the fuck?”

“doesn’t it make sense? i mean… i know you, so it won’t be hard to answer any questions. they won’t even ask many. we’re not awkward around each other, and you also know my family, so it won’t be weird either,” he explained, but you shook your head.

“they know me as your friend, jay. and besides that, how the hell do you want to explain it to them once you found a real girlfriend? you’ll just tell them we went back to being friends? or you’ll lie to them and say we ended the friendship too? for the rest of your life? it’s just complicating things much more,” you protested.

another sigh came from his lips. “i don’t know either, but can’t we figure that out later?” he looked at you with a pleading look – one you usually couldn’t resist.

“no,” you crossed your arms, “as your best friend, i have to stop you from making dumb decisions… and there’s nothing in it for me either way so–”

“a month of free coffee,” jay interrupted you quickly, and as you raised an eyebrow, he corrected himself, “two. two months.”

you squinted your eyes as if thinking about his offer.

“and i’ll cook and do the dishes for the next two weeks. please, y/n,” he pouted, which drew a sigh from you.

“fine,” you agreed after some time, “but don’t make it weird. only in front of your family. and don’t you dare kiss me!” you said, a playful disgust in your voice.

.｡*ﾟ+.*.｡

as it was time to get ready for the family dinner, you rummaged through your closet, feeling a wave of panic wash over you. “what am i going to wear?” you muttered, tossing clothes aside like they were useless scraps. you felt the pressure of the evening ahead, the weight of pretending to be jay’s girlfriend pressing down on you.

“relax, y/n. it’s not a big deal,” jay said, leaning against your doorframe, arms crossed, a small smile on his face. “you’ve been to my house a million times.”

“yeah, but this time it’s different. it’s not just a casual hangout. they’re gonna think we’re dating,” you replied, running a hand through your hair, which had suddenly become a tangled mess from all your fidgeting.

“so what? just wear something you’re comfortable in. trust me, my mom just wants to see you,” he reassured you, stepping into your room to help. “how about that blue dress? it always looks great on you.”

you paused, glancing at the dress hanging in your closet. “i don’t know… it might be too much.”

“it’s perfect,” he insisted, plucking it off the hanger and holding it up to you. “just put it on. and besides, you want to impress my mom, right?”

you rolled your eyes but couldn’t suppress a smile at his playful tone. “fine, but if i look ridiculous, you’re the one who picked it out.”

after a few moments of back-and-forth, you finally slipped into the dress while jay waited outside your door. when you stepped out, you saw his eyes widen slightly. “wow, you look amazing,” he said genuinely, and you felt a warmth spread through your chest. “like, really amazing.”

“thanks,” you replied shyly, feeling butterflies start to swirl in your stomach, before you forced them to die down. “but now i need to do something with my hair.”

“don’t stress about it. you can just leave it down. it looks great that way,” he said with a casual wave of his hand, but you could tell he meant it, so you left your hair and instead busied yourself with a quick makeup touch-up, trying to ignore the fluttering nerves that came with his soft remarks.

when jay was driving to your hometown, the familiar sights began to flash by the window, memories flooding your mind. the drive was a bit long, but it was filled with easy conversation and laughter, although tension simmered just beneath the surface.

“you sure you’re okay?” jay asked as he glanced at you.

“yeah, just… nervous,” you admitted, biting your lip.

“you’ll be fine. you know my family loves you. just act like you always do. they won’t suspect a thing.”

as he pulled into the driveway, you could see the warm glow of the porch lights illuminating his family’s home. jay parked the car, and you took a deep breath, preparing yourself for what was to come.

when you stepped inside, jay’s mom was already in the hallway, a huge smile spreading across her face. “y/n! it’s so good to see you! it’s been a while, come here!” she exclaimed, pulling you into a tight hug. you felt the warmth of her embrace wash away some of your nerves.

“hi, mrs. park,” you replied, grinning as she stepped back, looking you up and down.

“but why did jay bring you? is everything okay?” she asked, a hint of concern lacing her words.

you shot him a nervous glance. “did you not inform her beforehand?” you whispered.

“uh, well…” jay interjected, a hint of mischief dancing in his eyes. “actually, mom, i brought her as a surprise. we’re dating now.” he took your hand in his and intertwined your fingers, a confident smile on his face as he glanced between you and his mother.

you felt your heart race, the sudden admission leaving you momentarily speechless. you shot him a look of uncertainty, but he just shrugged, a smirk tugging at his lips.

“oh, that’s wonderful!” she said, her expression brightening. “i’m so happy for you two!” she clapped her hands together excitedly, and you could see the genuine joy in her eyes. “you know, i always thought you might end up together… ah, you two make such a cute match!” she brought her hand up to softly squeeze jay’s cheek between her thumb and index finger. your heart dropped just slightly at her happy demeanor; guilt creeping up on you for lying to her.

after you went inside and greeted jay’s dad, you helped his mom to set the table, feeling more at ease with each passing moment. you chatted with her about various things – college, work, the food she was preparing – anything to keep the atmosphere light.

jay hovered close, keeping his hand on your waist as you moved around, grounding you as you tried to navigate the situation. every touch sent a rush of goosebumps down your skin, but you quickly brushed it off. it felt strangely natural, though, and you could see how easily he seemed to slip into this role.

“you’re really great with my parents,” he whispered as you stood by the kitchen island, layering plates with napkins. you glanced up, meeting his gaze and feeling the warmth radiate from him.

“thanks, jay. you know i love your family,” you replied, trying to sound casual, but for a strange reason, your heart was racing.

a few minutes later, as you helped jay’s mother to bring the dishes to the table, you overheard jay talking to his dad. “she’s just incredible, dad,” he said, and you couldn’t help but catch the hint of pride in his voice. “she’s smart, funny, and just gets me.”

you felt your cheeks heat up, your heart fluttering at his words – especially because he had said them when you weren’t even in the room. it was a little embarrassing, but in a good way. yet, you tried to shove the feeling aside, sitting down to start eating.

“so, how long have you two been dating?” his dad asked, looking between you and jay, a curious glint in his eyes.

“about two months,” jay replied casually, but you could see the slight tension in his shoulders.

“why didn’t you tell us sooner?” his dad pressed, an amused smile playing on his lips.

jay shrugged, a sheepish grin spreading across his face. “i just wanted to make sure everything worked out before telling you. didn’t want to jump the gun.”

you glanced at him, appreciating how easily the lies slipped over his lips, until a pang of guilt hit you again. it felt wrong to be lying to his parents, who seemed so genuinely happy for the both of you.

throughout and even after dinner, as the conversation still flowed, jay’s hand remained on your thigh, and you felt the tension in your body slowly dissipate. jay felt good to have you close to him, the touches coming naturally, without him having to think about it. he loved how you felt against him – the way your body fit perfectly by his side.

you caught him glancing at you with a soft expression, and for a brief moment, it felt like you shared a silent understanding. it didn’t feel as weird as you thought it would; instead, it felt oddly comfortable, just a little more domestic than usual. maybe this wasn’t going to be so bad after all.

.｡*ﾟ+.*.｡

a few days after dinner – things had returned to normal between you two – you found yourself sitting in the small kitchen of your shared apartment. you sat across from each other, quietly sipping the coffee jay had bought, as he promised, both of you occupied with your phones rather than talking.

suddenly, a loud ringtone broke the silence, startling you. you glanced at jay, who briefly met your gaze before answering his phone.

"what's up, ki?" he asked.

"is y/n with you?" you could make out riki’s voice on the other end. jay raised an eyebrow in confusion.

"yeah, why? let me know if i need to step out, in case you're gonna say something gross," he teased.

"no, actually put me on speaker," riki instructed. after jay signaled he had done so, riki continued, "you two are so fake. first, you come back home for a day without saying a single word about it, and now you're dating?"

your eyes widened in shock, turning to jay with a hundred of questions written over your face.

"what do you mea–" jay began, but riki cut him off.

"bro, your mom asked me how long we’ve known you’re together."

it suddenly clicked. riki had grown close to jay’s parents too. after leaving his home country without his parents, and befriending jay at school, they had taken him under their wing, ensuring he was looked after, fed, and had a place to spend the holidays when he couldn’t return to japan.

"you two better get your asses here next weekend and explain. the others already know," riki said, hanging up before either of you could respond.

there was a silence between the both of you, yet it was so heavy with unspoken words, both of you knowing exactly what the other was thinking.

“we’re fucked,” you broke the silence, eyes still fixated on the phone in the middle of the table.

jay let out a frustrated sigh, leaning back in his chair. “my mom being nosy as always and riki’s big mouth didn’t help either.”

“should we tell them that we faked it to get your parents off your back? they’ll never leave us alone. plus, riki can't lie to your parents if his life depended on it. they'll catch on immediately,” you said, your frustration evident as you brought your fingers up to massage your temples.

“exactly,” jay muttered, staring at the floor.

you rubbed your temples harder, feeling a headache coming on. “so, now what? we’re screwed either way.”

jay hesitated, his eyes narrowing in thought. “what if… we just go along with it for now? let them think we’re dating.”

you blinked, caught off guard. “you’re kidding, right? we can’t keep up this act with our friends.”

“no, hear me out,” jay said quickly, leaning forward. “if we pretend for a while, they’ll lose interest eventually. it’ll be easier to ‘break up’ later when it’s not fresh gossip. less drama that way, no?”

“fake dating in front of our friends?” you scoffed, shaking your head. “jay, this is a terrible idea.”

“yeah, but what’s our other option? tell them the truth and get mocked for the next five years? and having to explain the lie to my parents?” he asked, meeting your gaze with a raised eyebrow. “at least this way, we have control over the story.”

you bit your lip, considering his words. “and then we just… ‘break up’ when it feels right?”

jay nodded. “yeah. we’ll keep it simple, no big gestures or anything. and whenever the time comes, we ‘end it’.”

“and go back to casually hanging out with them how?” you questioned.

jay stayed silent for a while, but only shrugged when he couldn’t find an answer. “i don’t know, we’ll figure that out when it’s time.”

you exhaled slowly, feeling the weight of the situation pressing down on you. “fine,” you said reluctantly. “but this better not get any weirder than it already is.”

“deal,” jay said, a slight smile tugging at his lips. “we’ve got this.”

.｡*ﾟ+.*.｡

the next few days after riki’s call were filled with tension. you and jay had barely discussed the fake dating plan beyond a few vague strategies, but as the weekend loomed, the reality of keeping up appearances with your friends started to weigh on both of you. that afternoon, you stood in front of your bedroom mirror, adjusting your shirt nervously while jay lingered near the door, arms crossed and expression thoughtful.

“are we really going through with this?” you asked, glancing over at him. there was a hint of hesitation in your voice, the weight of pretending gnawing at you.

jay met your gaze, his lips curving into a small, reassuring smile, though his own unease was clear. “it’ll be fine,” he said softly. “we’ll just play it cool. stick to the plan, that’s it.”

you let out a deep breath, nodding slowly. “yeah…”

he chuckled lightly, moving closer to offer a comforting squeeze to your shoulder. “we’ve got this. it’ll be over before we know it.” with one last shared look of uncertainty, you both headed out the door, ready to sell the lie.

as the sun dipped below the horizon, casting a warm glow over the familiar neighborhood, you found your friends sitting in a booth at your favorite diner. the place was bustling, the air thick with laughter and the smell of food. it felt nostalgic, like slipping on an old sweater you hadn’t worn in ages.

the six guys were already teasing each other, their easy banter filling the space as they welcomed you and jay.

“look who finally decided to grace us with their presence!” heeseung exclaimed, a playful grin stretching across his face. “and look at you two, all cozy and couple-y. what’s up with that?”

you shot a glance at jay, who merely smirked, intertwining his fingers with yours under the table.

“just trying to make it official,” he replied, the mischief in his eyes evident.

“official? since when?” sunoo chimed in, raising an eyebrow as if riki hadn’t told them the entire story already. “you guys just moved in together, and now you’re dating? what’s the story?”

“oh, come on. it’s not that complicated,” jay said, casually shrugging his shoulders. “we decided it was time to take things to the next level. right, babe?”

your heart dropped slightly at the nickname, but you decided to play it cool. you rolled your eyes, but couldn’t hide your smile as you squeezed his hand back. “sure, let’s go with that,” you replied, playing along.

“i knew it! this was all just part of the plan to share rent, wasn’t it?” sunghoon teased, leaning back in his seat with a grin. “just to save on bills?”

“classic jay,” jungwon laughed. “moving in and immediately jumping into a relationship. what a move!”

“that’s not all he jumped into,” jake quipped, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. “so you broke the promise you made to her about no funny business!”

“hey! that’s not what happened!” jay shot back, a mix of amusement and embarrassment creeping into his tone. “we just figured it made more sense to have someone to… keep me grounded, you know?”

“sure, sure. whatever helps you sleep at night,” riki teased, a playful smirk plastered on his face. “but seriously, how did this whole thing start? was it an ‘oops, i guess we’re dating now’ moment?”

you couldn’t help but laugh along with them, the easy-going atmosphere easing the tension from earlier. “more like a ‘you got caught making googly eyes at each other’ moment,” heeseung chimed in, and you felt your cheeks flush.

“okay, okay, back off! enough,” you defended playfully, and jay chuckled beside you, clearly enjoying the light-hearted teasing.

but then, as the conversation flowed, sunoo leaned forward, curiosity glinting in his eyes. “so, y/n… i thought you were seeing that other guy. you know, the one before jay? what happened with him?”

you felt a shift in the air, the teasing laughter fading slightly. you caught jay tensing beside you, his grip on your hand tightening just a bit. “oh, uh, he was… nice?” you replied, trying to keep your tone casual, but your heart raced as you sensed the subtle change in jay's mood.

“nice? that’s it? what happened?” jungwon pressed, his curiosity piqued.

“just… didn’t work out,” you said quickly, wanting to avoid any deeper conversation. he hadn’t been nice exactly. but luckily it had taken you only three dates to understand his intentions weren’t exactly good, and you could cut him off before things started to get more complicated.

“probably because she was just waiting for me to swoop in,” jay added, his voice light, but you noticed the edge to it. the banter continued, but you could feel the tension hanging in the air, especially from jay. when the dinner wrapped up, and everyone dispersed into their own conversations, you felt jay lean just a little closer to you.

once you were both in the car heading back home, the mood was quieter, more contemplative than on your way there. jay’s knuckles were white around the steering wheel, and a silence settled between you.

“what’s wrong?” you finally asked, glancing at him.

“nothing,” he replied, a bit too quickly.

you thought back to the dinner, remembering how his mood shifted when the other guy was mentioned. “jay, you were tense when they brought him up,” you pointed out gently.

he sighed, running a hand through his hair, a habit of his when he was stressed. “i just had to act jealous, that’s all,” he said, his voice lacking the usual ease.

“then why are you still tense?” you pressed, curiosity bubbling in your chest.

he glanced at you, a flicker of something passing through his eyes before he focused back on the road. “i’m still your best friend, y/n. it’s just… i don’t like that some guy didn’t treat you right,” he admitted, his tone steady but slightly strained. you had told him about it. after all, he had been the one to pick you up from the disastrous third date before things could get any worse.

the admission made your heart swell a little, but you could sense the underlying tension lingering between you. it was a mix of familiarity and something else – something unspoken that neither of you dared to explore just yet.

you both fell into silence again, but this time it felt different. you could feel the weight of his words hanging in the air, an invisible thread binding you both a little closer as you drove through the night.

.｡*ﾟ+.*.｡

as the weeks went by, the lines between pretending and reality seemed to blur. each time you met jay’s parents, you found yourselves slipping effortlessly into the roles of a couple. laughter and light teasing accompanied every shared meal, and you could almost forget that this was all an act – until you caught jay’s mother gazing at you with such warmth that it made your heart ache.

it was the same when you hung out with your friends; you’d find yourself nestled against jay on the couch, feigning casual intimacy, but the warmth of his body next to yours sent butterflies racing in your stomach.

video calls with them were no different. the moments where you’d curl into him, your head resting on his shoulder while your friends joked and teased, felt increasingly real. you both pretended not to notice the way your cheeks flushed when he’d casually drape an arm around you or whisper something sweet in your ear. there were times when you’d catch his gaze lingering on you, filled with something you couldn’t quite make out, but neither of you dared to acknowledge it.

jay often replayed moments in his head – like the way you lit up when he surprised you with yet another coffee (although the two months deal had long passed) or how your laughter could fill the room and make his chest feel lighter. these were the times when it was hard for him to remember that you weren’t really together. there was an undeniable chemistry, an easy intimacy that felt so natural, yet he couldn't shake the underlying sadness that came with it. pretending to be a couple seemed to slowly but surely blur the lines of your friendship, and he found himself wrestling with the fear of losing you entirely.

at times, when you’d catch him looking at you, a shy smile would spread across your face, and for a brief moment, he would allow himself to entertain the thought that maybe this wasn’t just an act. maybe, just maybe, you felt the same warmth he did. but as quickly as that thought came, he would shake it off. after all, you were his best friend, and the last thing he wanted was to risk that by crossing a line that was better left uncrossed.

still, whenever you both met his parents, he felt an ache in his chest when he saw the way they treated you – like you were already part of the family. it was a bittersweet reminder of how perfect everything could be if you weren’t pretending. he couldn’t help but picture what it would be like if you really were together, how natural and easy it would feel to call you his girlfriend in front of his parents, to wrap his arms around you without feeling like he was crossing a boundary. the thought left him a bit melancholic, yet he pushed it aside, convincing himself that it was just a game you both were playing.

after hanging up from yet another video call with riki, a comfortable silence enveloped you both as you lay in your bed, your head resting on jay's chest. the rhythmic sound of his heartbeat was soothing, and you savored the warmth that came from being so close. the laughter from the call lingered in the air, but now it felt distant, like a dream fading into the morning light.

as you stared at the ceiling, your phone lit up beside you, a notification interrupting the moment. glancing over, you noticed a message from nicholas. he was a classmate, nothing significant. you couldn’t even really say that he was a friend – just someone to talk to when you felt the weight of everything pressing down on you. you hadn’t planned on meeting up with him; you just needed some distraction from your swirling thoughts and emotions.

“who’s nicholas?” jay asked, his voice breaking the silence. you could sense a slight tension in his tone, though he tried to keep it light.

“just a guy from college,” you replied casually, though you felt a twinge of guilt. there was something in the way he said the name that made you realize he was a bit protective. maybe even jealous?

“are you... are you guys close?” he pressed, turning slightly to glance at your phone. his stomach twisted with an unspoken insecurity, but he tried to mask it, keeping his expression neutral.

“not really. we just text sometimes,” you said, avoiding his gaze.

“just texting?” he echoed, a hint of skepticism in his voice. you could tell he wanted to know more, but you didn’t want to open that door.

“it’s just distraction, okay?” you finally admitted, the words slipping out before you could stop them.

“distraction from what?” he asked, confusion knitting his brows together. the unease in his chest only grew as he studied your face, searching for answers.

you hesitated, your heart racing at the prospect of being vulnerable. “it’s nothing,” you replied.

“c’mon, y/n. you can’t just say that,” he urged, propping himself up on one elbow to face you more directly. “what do you need distraction from?”

the question hung in the air, heavy and charged. you felt tears welling up in your eyes, and a lump formed in your throat. “i… i don’t want to talk about it,” you managed to whisper, fighting the emotion that threatened to spill over.

“y/n, please,” he said gently, concern etched across his features. “just tell me what’s going on.”

the tears finally began to fall, and you couldn’t hold back the hurt any longer. “i want distraction from you, okay?” you blurted out, your voice breaking.

his heart dropped at your admission, and for a moment, he felt as if the air had been knocked out of him. “from me? why? what did i do wrong?” the vulnerability in his voice surprised even him, and he hated how desperate he sounded.

the sight of your tears broke him a little, and he felt a mixture of anger and fear. he wanted to pull you close and wipe away your tears, but he felt paralyzed by your words. “you’re hurting, and i don’t want to be the reason for that.”

“you’re not the reason,” you said softly, but the cracks in your voice betrayed you. “it’s just… everything feels too intense. i can’t pretend anymore, jay. i want to stop this whole fake-dating thing.”

panic surged through him. stop? his mind raced, but he forced himself to remain composed. “why? what do you mean?” he asked, his voice steady, though he felt like he was on shaky ground.

“why?” you echoed, taking a deep breath, your heart pounding. “because i feel more than i should, and it’s scary. i need to get myself together.”

the reality of your words hit him like a freight train. “more than you should?” he repeated, a mix of fear and hope igniting in his chest. “y/n, are you saying you have feelings for me?”

you looked away, tears streaming down your cheeks as you nodded reluctantly. “but i’ll get myself together, i… i just need space.”

jay’s heart sank further, torn between the relief of knowing your feelings mirrored his own and the dread of losing you. he took a deep breath, willing himself to stay calm. “i don’t want to lose you, y/n. please don’t do this.”

you shook your head. “you won’t lose me. but you have to understand,” you said, your voice trembling. “if we stop now, i can get a grip on everything. i promise i’ll figure myself out. just... just give me that space.”

he felt a rush of emotions – fear, sadness, longing – but as he looked into your tear-filled eyes, he knew he had to be honest. “i… i feel it too. this isn’t just an act for me anymore.”

your eyes widened slightly, surprise mixing with your heartache. “you do?”

“yeah,” he admitted, his voice barely above a whisper. “i do. and that’s why i don’t want to stop. i’m scared of what that means for us, but i can’t just let go.”

you saw the fear in his eyes – the fear of losing you, of losing everything you had built together.

“or…what if… what if we stopped pretending, but instead made it real?”

your brow furrowed in confusion. “what do you mean?”

“let’s take things slow. we can still be together, but we don’t have to rush into anything. we can experience it step by step.”

you hesitated, the thought both exciting and terrifying. “but what about our friendship? what if it ruins everything?”

“i’m still your best friend, y/n. i'll always be,” he reassured you, his gaze steady and sincere. “if we both have feelings for each other, why should we both suffer and shut them down?”

his words settled in the air, and you felt a warmth spreading through you, despite the tears still glistening in your eyes. “you really think we can handle it?” you asked, a flicker of hope igniting within you.

“i know we can,” he replied, his voice softening.

.｡*ﾟ+.*.｡

a week later, you found yourself back in the familiar booth at the diner, enveloped by its nostalgic aroma and your friends' chaotic energy. “what’s going on with you two today?” sunoo asked curiously, popping a fry into his mouth. “you both look happier than usual. any good news to share?”

“yeah, it’s almost sickening how cute you are,” riki chimed in, pretending to gag dramatically. both, you and jay couldn't help but chuckle at his antics.

“no, seriously, what’s up with you guys?” jake dug deeper, a playful smirk on his lips. you rolled your eyes before turning to jay, sharing a knowing glance.

“ guys, let them be,” jungwon defended. “why don’t we all focus a little more on our own lives, hm?” he exchanged a quick smile with you and jay, and soon everyone returned to their usual conversations.

jay leaned in a little closer, his breath brushing against your ear, before he whispered, “it’s worth ruining the friendship, don’t you think?”

‧̍̊·̊‧̥°̩̥˚̩̩̥͙°̩̥‧̥·̊‧̍̊ ♡ °̩̥˚̩̩̥͙°̩̥ ·͙*̩̩͙˚̩��̩̥*̩̩̥͙·̩̩̥͙*̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙ °̩̥˚̩̩̥͙°̩̥ ♡ ‧̍̊·̊‧̥°̩̥˚̩̩̥͙°̩̥‧̥·̊‧̍̊

© dazzlingjaeyun, 2024. please do not copy.

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Corrections

We here at Sufficiently Large Ndustries pride ourselves on our unwavering commitment to factual accuracy in all things.

Recently, it has come to our attention that certain details of this post, hereinafter referred to as the "Fuck Yeah Stick-Elf" post, or FYSE, seem to contradict the canon established by internationally-known author Jonald Ronald Rolkien Tolkien (h/t @elodieunderglass for explaining his full name).

Because of our unwavering commitment to factual accuracy in all things, we cannot possibly have made any mistakes, so we wish to issue several corrections to your understanding to demonstrate that we were correct all along:

Question: Don't the Gondorians call him Mithrandir?

Answer: Not all Gondorians.

Canonically, Tolkien notes that the people of Gondor use the Sindarin name Mithrandir (from mith "grey" and randir "random", hence "some random grey guy") for Olórin. However, Tolkien's references to this are always about Gondorian nobility or royalty, who did indeed call Stick-Elf Mithrandir. This is because they were kind of pretentious, like native English speakers who insist on correcting anyone who doesn't pronounce "Paris" as "pair-REE".

When six-year-old Faramir had nightmares and ran to his father calling out "I'm scared!", Denethor would correct him, saying "No, you feel echais", because he was a dick. Part of the reason why Gondor lost a lot of its ancient glory is because it had centuries of leaders who were like this.

The average Joeromir Schmoeromir on the streets of Gondor, however, just called him Stick-Elf.

Question: If this is set in the past and Éodan is from Rohan, how could Gondor have a king?

Answer: It's not that king.

Suzannethor (the Archivist) mentions that Stick-Elf brought fireworks for the king's birthday, but Gondor's last king, King Eänur, died in T.A. 2050, almost five centuries before Rohan was founded in T.A. 2510 (special thanks to @thinkinginquenya for pointing out this discrepancy).

The answer is that FYSE is set in T.A. 2703, well after Rohan's founding; When the characters refer to "the king", they're not referring to royalty, but rather to the famous Númenórean musician Aarondil Préslion, often called "The King of Chant and Lyre" or just "The King" for short.

At this point there weren't many Men with enough Númenórean blood to have the sort of longevity that Aarondil had, leading to rumors that he was secretly an elf, hence his stage name, Elvish Présli.

Some of his most famous songs, like "Jailhouse Dirge" and "You Ain't Nothin' But a Warg Dog" are still popular today. Olórin was particularly fond of "Blue Steel Shoes", a lively jig about plate mail maintenance, and this is why he brought fireworks to Présli's 90th birthday party.

Question: Why does Elrond say "here in the North" in Gondor?

Answer: Elrond is a very sleepy boi.

In FYSE, Elrond says "Here in the North", even though generally most surviving texts of Middle-Earth are Gondo-centric and use "The North" to refer to lands north of Gondor, like Arnor/Eriador or the Forodwaith.

However, Jenniforomir just woke Elrond up from a nap (she didn't realize this because elves sleep with their eyes open), and he's still slightly disoriented. He says "Here in the North" because he was dreaming about a pub he visited once in Annúminas (and he is slightly shaken because in the dream he had forgotten to wear clothes, he had an exam coming up that he hadn't known about, and very tiny orcs were juggling silmarils all over the place).

Question: Why would Elrond out Olórin as a Maiar?

Answer: He was already out.

Tolkien didn't mention this in the books, but Olórin travels around on horse with several Maiar Pride bumper stickers, including a plain Maiar pride flag, one that reads "Maiar tested, Valar approved", and one that reads "Maiarn't there a lot of us!". Elrond knows this, and so has no compunction telling random Gondorians that Olórin is a Maiar.

We hope that these clarifications will reassure you that we here at Sufficiently Large Ndustries have never said anything false, ever, in all directions and at all times.

[jamiethebeeart]

“But it’s not gay if he’s dead.” Danny’s head whipped around to stare down the street at two guys walking on the other side. He thought he was free of hearing that phrase ever again. Heart thudding in his ears, he crossed the street to tail these two guys. There was no way? Right? I mean Danny was something like 1,000 miles away from his hometown. There was no way two random guys in the big city of Gotham would’ve ever heard of –

“I don’t know man, it’s never been confirmed whether or not the “big guy” was actually… ya know?”

Danny seethed in frustration at the vague conversation. He stepped around a group of kids as he barely made the end of the crosswalk countdown.

“Nah, Red makes too many uncomfortable jokes about death to not have died.”

Danny sped up, weaving in between people to catch up before he lost the conversation in the din.

“It’s Gotham, we all make jokes about death.”

“Ya, but not like him. He seems to revel in them, like he actually kicked the bucket, permanent-like, not like those people who – I don’t know – cardiac arrest and are technically dead for a couple minutes until the EMTs get to them or whatever.”

A car puttered down the road – releasing a huge plume of exhaust in between Danny and the guys. Danny sighed, fully intending to return to his original path with the reassurance that they weren’t talking about Phantom. Then the next damned sentence came out of one of their mouths.

“Ok sure let’s say you’re right. Is it necrophilia if his body started decaying before coming back?”

‘Fuck it’ Danny thought as he turned back around. He had to see how this conversation ended – definitely not because the answer to that question kept him up night. Absolutely not. Call him a cat because he was just curious and not all at invested in the answer.

“Oh! Dude, shut the fuck up! Why would you – that’s disgusting! Are you kidding me!”

“Answer the question Mr. It’s Not Gay if He’s Dead – necrophiliac: yes or no?”

“No? Have you seen Red’s body? No way a dead guy could have muscles like that – I mean you gotta have working bodily functions right? To build muscles or whatever the fuck? Like have you seen his abs? Or, shit, just his arms - I mean swoon worthy, what I wouldn’t give to have him hold -”

“…….”

“- me…. What are ya looking at me like that for?”

“When, exactly, have you seen his abs.”

“Aaaah - that’s not the point –“

“Sure as hell hope that’s the point.” Red Hood stepped out of an alleyway they were walking past. Even with a helmet on, Danny swore the guy stared straight at him. He was so fucked getting caught listening in to this conversation – could he play it cool? Danny was cool right? Yeah, he could totally pull this off, act totally normal and keep walking. Hunching his shoulders some and turning his body away from the three men, he walked past. Or tried to. Red Hood caught the back of his shirt, stopping him from getting away. Unless Danny was willing to expose his powers to get out this situation, the best he could do was play dumb and hope Hood let him go without too much hassle.

“Boss!”

“Hey Boss – you didn’t happen to only hear the second half of that, did you?”

Red Hood growled, “the part about necrophilia or the part about my abs?”

Danny twisted his head back to see Goon #1 turn pale. “Uuuh – uh- um,” met Red Hood’s question.

A choreographed roll of the eyes, “Better question, why are you talking shit out on the streets and not paying attention to your little stalker,” Hood gestured to Danny.

“I’m not a stalker!” Danny huffed. His eyes widened. All three guys looked over at him. ‘SHIT’ Danny thought. He did not want to catch anyone’s attention more than he had, much less all three.

Goon No. 2 looked at him, as he resumed his squirming in Red Hood’s grasp, “So who are you?”

Danny glanced up to see Red Hood staring down at him. Today just wasn’t his day. “Hood,” Danny blurted out.

Silence. The tips of Danny’s ears turned bright red

“Uhm, I mean, a tourist?” “In Crime Alley, kid?”

"I'm not a kid," Danny muttered.

Hood shook Danny’s shirt hard enough to also shake Danny himself. “Try again. I’ve seen you around often enough to know that’s a lie.”

“It’s true!” Danny lied. “I was visiting the city, my wallet got pickpocketed with most of my money, so now I’m… kind of…. Stuck here? Indefinitely?”

Goon No. 1 laughed at him, “do ya think we’re dumb? You have a cellie right? No way you’re ‘stuck here’.”

“Exactly, so who do you work for? Penguin?” A jab towards Danny’s face. “Riddler?” Another jab and a step towards Danny. “Is it Two Face?” Another, even closer jab. Danny went cross-eyed looking at the finger in front of his nose.

“Back off,” Hood said. Danny breathed a sigh of relief at being given some space. And then the next words came out of Red Hood’s mouth, “Get lost you two – and stop gossiping on the street. And you-“ Hood turned back to Danny, “ – you’re coming with me.” Danny gulped. Today was going down as another shit day in the books for sure.