#the ponds tm

[spaceagesparkledust]

Random Doctor Who Hcs: Favorite Types of Touch!!

Nine loves hand holding. I feel like Nine is very closed off (emotionally) but this man grasps Rose’s hand all the time. So much. First thing he does. And he just…never stops. While dancing. While running. While walking. Probably while sleeping. Ultimate sign of trust for him. Long as he’s got Rose’s hand in his everything is okay. 

Hugs? Yeah. Loves a good congratulatory hug/clasp on the back. But again, huge fan of hand holding, him. 

Ten loves hugs. Like he and Rose also hold hands through all of time and space but he loves hugs. And he needs one constantly. In constant need of a hug. Sir was born out of love and after Rose leaves is constantly touch-starved and clingy. Loves to pick people up as he hugs them. Little spin. Totally would benefit from being compressed into a zip file.

Enjoys people (rose, Donna) messing with his hair. Just like a little scratch and he’ll melt. He’s like a cat. 

He’s very touchy with Donna who has learned to just deal with it. He’s taller than her so he’ll just lean down and put his chin on her shoulder. Or lean against her while watching movies. Just. puddle of time lord. Personal space who?

After Martha stops being his companion, he’s much more open to touch with Martha. He enjoyed hugging her before but his hugs just feel so much better afterwards. Holding hands with Martha is also pretty nice (makes him miss Rose though).

But I think also if he’s being particularly broody he won’t let himself be touched nor will he seek it out because’s always alright. (Donna’s got him though). 

Slightly touch-adverse post Midnight. If it’s a stranger and he doesn’t initiate it, he’s not going to enjoy it. If it’s someone he trusts then he’s more open to it and will likely reciprocate. But a stranger’s hands on him start to feel a little too much like the shuttle. Especially if its a harsh grab.

Tentoo gets to touch Rose all the time. Its great. Favorite type of touch is probably cuddling and kissing because he can do that now. Any time he wants without fear. 

Eleven likes subtle touches. Grabbing Amy’s arm while he’s excited. Patting Rory on the back or shoulder. Poking someone. He moves around too much for other types of touches so he’ll give little swipes of affection. 

He does still enjoy hugs though, particularly from Amy. 

I think if the Doctor’s hugged for too long he’ll like shut down or something. 

Amy discovers the head scratchy thing and it like, shuts him off. Completely slack. Amy finds it hilarious and so fascinating and 11 hates it so much. It is a good way to bring him back down to earth though. 

“Rory, come look at this.” 

“Do you feel better?” “yes. Don’t think I’m not mad at you anymore Pond.”

River also knows about this and threatens to use it for evil all the time. She and Amy have definitely chased 11 around the TARDIS, only for 11 to run into Rory’s arms thinking that Rory is safe. He’s not. Rory knows about the spot. Rory is not safe. 

I don’t think 11 really knows how to respond to kissing. Not his favorite. Could do without it/give him a warning if you’re going to kiss him. 

He’s gotten used to kissing River but sometimes he’s still ick about it.

He does love giving Amy forehead kisses though! 

Martha likes cheek kisses. She seems like that kind of girl. A little smooch to the cheek. She’ll do it with her family, they’ll do it with her. She’ll give them to her friends. She gives one to the Doctor post-companionship. She gives them to Jack. He gives them to her. Its very cute. 

Fourteen is touchy as heck. Oh my gosh. It’s different from 10 though where he was constantly touch-starved, no Fourteen just loves giving affection to his friends. 

Most affectionate with Donna. They’re like glued to each other. 

Gives Mel enthusiastic hugs too. 

Likes giving more than receiving. He very much needs to be held for a good minute but he much prefers giving hugs and other forms of physical affection TO other people rather than them to him.

[yousaytomato]

Why's he doing that?

I think he's getting excited (!)

[hastalavistabyebye]

Don't lose your anchor

Ao3 version

Spiritual sequel of The Keychain story (part 1 and part 2 here). I think it can be read as a stand alone, but only at the same degree as any other ficlet of this universe 😅 it's better to have read some others at least, but can be managed on its own.

Neyo wasn’t one to lose his composure easily. But this campaign was hell warmed over. It had been supposed to be a simple recon mission, two squads, backed up by the rest of the Battalion to take the city, once the path was clear. Of course it went tits up faster than it takes him to change his ammo. 

As any Clone Commander, he hated when someone (generally his jetii) said they had “a bad feeling about it”. For once, he had been the one with a bad feeling at the start of the mission. It was getting worse now. Like a jittery, itchy feeling in his fingers, crawling up his arms and down his back. Admittedly, the blaster fire they were receiving didn't help. 

He ducked under cover at Allie’s side, both of them covered in red dust, making them blend with the surrounding walls of stone that formed the canyons they had retreated in.

“What’s the situation, sir ?” He shouted more than asked, over the loud detonations of the fight around them.

“We’re getting there, Commander. We just need to clear the path a bit more and we’ll be able to blow up those rocks, up there, and close the entryway.”

He barely had the time to think “If they don’t explode it before us” when a loud detonation ringed in the entire gorge. 

“Kriff. Sitrep !” He ordered through the comms. 

“It was us, Commander. No casualties from our side,” was the quick answer he got.

He didn’t have the time to sight in relief when a second explosion made the stone tremble behind them. This one came from the corridor Windu and Ponds had disappeared into with a squad, to secure the path and hopefully acquire them an escape route.

Neyo and his General exchanged a look, before both commed the two officers of Lighting in a single movement. Neither of them got an answer.

It didn’t take long for them to get a report on what happened -Ponds and Windu followed a small group of clankers who ended up blowing up the passage on them. It took them even less time to make sure everything was settled on their end, organize the research for a way out of this labyrinth and run to the second explosion’s site. 

Thankfully, only four people had been trapped under the rubble. Of course, Neyo’s ori’vod and his Jedi were part of those four people. 

The dread growing in him only got worse when he found a small salamander keychain half buried between a few rocks. Bacara was going to kill him, he thought derisively, while carefully freeing the little talisman. It was a bit scratched and the leather rope crooked, but still in good shape. Small mercies. It should still have protective capacities even if a bit banged up. Surely it wasn't supposed to be its owner’s anchor and compass thanks to the straightness of the rope. He stood there, observing the precious object cradle in his palm, when General Allie came at his side. 

“I can still sense Mace, Commander, even if weakly. We’ll find them.”

Neyo nodded once, before turning determined eyes to his general. The visor of his helmet never stopped her from perceiving his gaze.

“Could this help you establish a more precise area of research ?” He said while showing her the little salamander head. The gorge was wide here, and there was too much rubble for them to clean it all up, especially not quickly enough to be of any help. “Ponds always has it on him.”

Neyo knew for a fact that his ori’vod only put it down long enough to shower, and not a second more. And that was only because he didn't want to damage the leather. He always had it with him. That knowledge definitely didn’t help with the icy worry eating at his mind.

“Yes, yes it could !” The Jedi smiled at him, a little less stiff and concerned than it had been seconds ago. 

She thankfully didn’t try to pry it from Neyo’s hand, just placed her fingers delicately on top of the purple stone, eyes closed. A minute later, she was lifting a massive stone out of the way, revealing a small cavity hidden in the middle of the rubble. Neyo and a few of his troops extracted the four rescapies -injured but thankfully alive- in record time. 

Once the medics cleared from Ponds’ side, Neyo lightly threw the keychain into his lap. His ori’vod was in a too pitiful state for him to smack the back of his head, like he would have loved to do. The dikutla would have deserved it, jumping under explosions like a kriffing jetii -that it was to save someone else was irrelevant. 

“Don’t lose your anchor ever again, dikut. Bacara would kill us both.”

The small, warm chuckle that earned him made the last of his worry dissolve.

[lilacerull0]

just found these pinned to some old police call box????????

i think they're tour posters of some sort??????

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.........!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!..........!!!..🎶💫🕸🎸🧡🔮💿

🔮🔮🔮🔮🔮THE CABIN BAND!!!!!!!!!!!!🔮🔮🔮🔮🔮🔮🔮🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻GARDEN CEMETERY!!!!!🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🎶🎶🎶STEPH!!!!!🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀CRICKET AND CLOVER!!!!!🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀🎸🎸🎸🎸🎸🎸🎸 THE MELODIES!!!!!!!!!🎸🎸🎸🎸🎸🎸🎸🎸🎸🎸🎸🎸🎸🎸🎸🎸🎸🎸

be right back, i have fictional realities to invent

[darklight-owl]

@taranza-stan

🎈 Emma vs Leuvis 🎈

The promised neverland manga is so good!! and the goldy pond arc is amazing ✨

[copperpipes]

Okay so with the turtles being more...turtle...would this mean they wouldn't be able to stay on dry land as much as they might be able to if they inherited the more human side. All of the turtles aside from mikey are primarily aquatic turtles that spend a good amount of their time submerged in water. irl if they go too long without being able to be fully submerged they can get unwell, and can get more prone to diseases and such, so with that said, has donnie maybe built a large pond for him, raph and leo to just be able to swim around in and bask in at random times of the day? (Maybe with a build in giant UV/heat lamp above for when they can't go and get that naturally outside?

Yes!

Donnie built many things to accommodate his family with their special needs. They did have a pond in the old lair that was made for cleaning and just for swimming so they won't have to trudge in the stinky sewer waters every time they wanted to take a swim.

In other words the pond was made more for comfort and hygiene then out of necessity for scale health maintenance. Because they can sweat.

For reference, not many animals can sweat, only a few mammals, and humans are the only ones who's whole body can sweat, in fact, this is what made humans the most successful pursuit hunters and so dangerous in their early days, its why humans lost their fur, its why humans are able to regain stamina while using it.

Of course, Draxum would know this. He would know of the strengths and weaknesses of what he was setting his future warriors against. So naturally he wrote and adjusted this ability into the genome of his future warriors.

This is how they work;

Humans have to types of sweat glands all across their body, there are sweat glands at every hair root, but our turtles don't have hair (that is another topic, Mikey wouldn't grow hair, he would grow something resembling hair).

Instead, their scales are built in a certain way, different from their un-mutated counterparts, like this.

The turtle sweat(tm) has a few purposes.

First, similar to humans it is used for cooling, for whatever the reason may be of their temperature increasing.

Second, more vital and the primary one, for keeping the scales hydrated. (Of course the brothers would rather shower then sweat, Donnie especially. When sweat drys dust and dirt are prone to stick to the scales, obviously it may cause irritation and itchiness to bother the scales and the very delicate skin below)

Fun fact, Mikey’s palms specifically tend to sweat quickly, its the reason why he has specialized gloves made by Donnie (he wouldn't use athlete's chalk so he won't leave three fingered hand prints around).

And a giant uv lamp was already shown in the show so yeah :)

Good ask!

[linka-from-captain-planet]

Black Dahlia for Florrick?

thank you for the prompt and opportunity to drop Florrick Lore TM!

Florrick (& Shadowheart & Nocturne & ?Viconia?), Black Dahlia - a lie

A half-elf with black hair and a long scar across her cheek. A tiefling with purple hair and short horns. Both fifteen or so, similar in height and build, clean and tidy, dressed in similar nondescript clothing—so nondescript that it could only be deliberate. Manip Florrick doesn't deviate from her assigned post at the southern gate of Bloomridge Park, but she watches carefully from afar, cataloging the information she'll need to fill out the report form. She needn't look up the law reference; she knows the Baldurian Penal Code nearly by heart. Article Eight, Crimes Against Persons, Section Twenty-One, Petty Theft and/or Pickpocketing, Sub-section Four, Offenses by Minors With or Without Prior Offenses. But the pair—furtive, anxious—pass by the picknickers, the passed-out drunks, and the hawkers, seemingly relieved just to stroll the sunny walkways and dip their feet in the pond, if only for a short while before they disappear, again, through the gap in the northern fence. No harm done, and so Florrick pays them no further mind until an hour or so later, when a woman approaches and asks if she'd seen a young half-elf with black hair and a long scar, and a tiefling with purple hair and short horns. There's something off about her—something in her eyes, dark and empty, as if sucking the light out of the very sky above them. And then there's something nagging at the corner of Florrick's mind, needling, prodding, seeking. "My apologies, ma'am," Florrick replies evenly, slamming the iron of her mind shut, washing over in relief as the invading sensation withers and dies. "I'm afraid I've seen no such children today."

[xenosaurus]

I’m a few gyms into the new Pokemon so here are my spoiler-minimal Hot Takes(tm), which average out to ‘flawed in concerning ways but still very fun’:

—the new narrative structure and additional focus on relationships with NPCs was a gamble that paid off big time, I’m invested in these characters

—actually treating the open world as ‘do things in any order’ seems like it’d be a bad idea, nurse joy has been feeding me my next quest objectives and it’s kept things properly leveled

—new pokemon designs have been a bit hit or miss for me, I have some that I love, some that I WANT to love but can’t quite come around to, some that just don’t do it for me, and some that I’m looking at going ‘who made this unholy beast’

—I have used the TM crafting system exactly zero times but it’s cool I guess

—one time I threw my Pokémon at a fight in a pond and he just sunk to the bottom. RIP buddy

—I still miss pokemon amie but bathing your pokemon is…. something, I guess? I’m glad I’m allowed to have physical contact with my giant salamander.

—I like the out of place sandwich making sections, they’re a delight. I have so much deli ham on my person.

—the fact that you have to wear your school uniform the whole time and it has such a prominent color to it frustrates the hell out of me and is a huge step back for character customization. why do you even HAVE half of these leggings, the colors clash horrendously with orange.

—they did let me have freckles, though, no complaints there

—frame rate and loading issues on this level are frankly unacceptable for a modern game with this much money behind it, but aren’t game breaking and haven’t ruined my overall enjoyment

—I have been attacked by so many birds. I have a designated pokemon to chase off birds. Nacho, MVP.

[actual-changeling]

eleven just straight up murdering solomon is oddly satisfying but also incredibly concerning. i mean ten went a little bit insane after rose and started killing whenever he felt like it but that was more of a murder-suicide vibe, meanwhile nine was all "everybody lives (unless they're a dalek then fucking kill yourself in front of me)", and eleven is trying to keep the ponds safe and happy—but they weren't there to stop him. they weren't watching.

a town called mercy is next and it is hands-down one my favourite episodes because it shows us once again why the doctor shouldn't travel alone. sooner or later, their adherence to their rules slips and then it keeps slipping without anyone around that would require them to be a good guy tm.

[misanthropologymajor]

Red October

With the UK Phillies game incoming, I've been thinking about how the 141 would react to a Phillies Girl (tm) as a part of the crew

in case someone else who is really into the Phillies is also into COD x reader fanfiction. I think I may be the only member of my target audience wc: 430

"Baseball season in a different time zone than your team is cruel and unusual punishment"

It wasn't entirely fair to say they hadn't noticed your fondness towards the Phillies

It was that none of them could have ever understood how deep Phillies fans cared about the Fightins'

God help them when your "Chase fucking Utley" brought your team across the pond

"Wait, hen, what are all of those numbers?"

Leaning on Johnny while explaining just how statistics-heavy baseball is- "That one's their batting average. It's how many times they make a base hit divided by how many times they go up to the plate." He doesn't get how you keep track of them all

"Simon, if you're awake anyway, would you help me set up my VPN so I can get the game?" "It's midnight, birdie." "So?" "You're gonna watch a two an' a half hour game now?" "Simon, it's the Phils!"

"What the actual fuck is that green thing?" "Garrick, I can't believe your tone with the Phanatic. He's the most perfect mascot on the planet." John walked in with that, laughing at the passion of your words and the zoomed-in picture of the awkward green mascot. "Dovie, didn' you say that about tha' orange one?" "Gritty and the Phanatic share that title. Fuck that Sixers dog, though." (Franklin the dog scares the shit out of me)

Getting tickets to the London Series, where they're even more confused by Mr and Miss Met. (fuck the mets all my homies hate the mets)

"But why are they baseballs? The whole thing is that they hit baseballs." "Gaz, I don't know. I try my best to avoid thinking about the Mets if at all possible." "Gaz, what do you have against American mascots?" "Cap, at least our mascots are discernable." "Gaz you're literally a Manchester fan, what the actual hell are Moonchester and Moonbeam supposed to be."

Loading them up in Phillies merch- totally for them and definitely not because you want more Phillies gear

"We're spending four hours of our leave today sitting in the sun watching an American sport in London." "Lt, this isn't for us." "Be grateful your gaiter and cap aren't bright red, Simon. I took mercy on you."

"Why is that grey-haired guy so special, Dovie?" "John! That's Chase Utley- he's literally the jersey you're wearing!" "Why's the Cap got the only old guy?" "I'm literally wearing a Kruk jersey. He's 63. Silverfox is only 45." "Dovie, you called him Silverfox!"

If they think the regular season is bad, they won't survive Red October (or Eagles Season... or Eagles Postseason)

[jianghushenanigans]

A sequel to the ‘most annoying guy TM in the Jianghu’ and ‘most annoying guy TM in the cdrama capital’ poll because I was specifically asked to include Ming Tai and honestly he deserves it

Propaganda of a sort under cut - also feel free to provide your own

Ming Tai: as a teenager (early 20s? unclear: Hu Ge is blatantly in his mid 30s but we're ignoring this because he's a good actor) and a baby brother raised by significantly older siblings, Ming Tai is the spoiled brat. He's also very good at being a competent spy when he needs to be, but that doesn't make him less annoying when he wants to be, which is always

Shang Xirui: of all the characters on here he's the only one I actually personally cannot stand, but that's partly because he sings opera and I have discovered through watching Winter Begonia that I do not like opera of any kind. But also he's insufferable and needs to get a grip on reality. Some things are more important than the show! Like FOOD! And the WAR!

Zhao Yunlan: SUCKING TOO HARD ON YOUR LOLLIPOP OH LOVE'S GONNA GET YA DOWN. Guardian was the first CDrama I saw and I actually don't remember what he did but I do remember that he liked to cause problems

Wen Kexing: Winner of the 'most annoying guy in the jianghu' poll, I don't think I really need to write propaganda about him but like. Has he considered a method of flirting that does not consist of stalking a random homeless man?

Wei Wuxian: 2nd in the jianghu poll. Everyone knows why he's annoying, I won't go into this any more than to say in the Cloud Recesses arc he distinctly reminds me of one of the most annoying people I have ever met in real life

Lin Chen: 3rd in the jianghu poll and my personal Favourite Guy. To paraphrase @nemainofthewater: 'if he was in it for any longer I wouldn't be able to stand him, but he's only there for long enough that it's actually charming'. Enjoys the fact that he's smarter than (almost) everyone else and likes to be obnoxious about it

Mei Changsu: came joint 1st in the 'most annoying guy in the cdrama capital' poll. Professional party ruiner, but he does try to only enjoy it when his political enemies are suffering. Gets to tag team with Lin Chen bc I don’t want them to split votes and also because between them they manage to annoy literally every character in the whole show

Fan Xian: joint 1st in the capital poll AND 4th in the jianghu poll because he is annoying all the time and everywhere. As a transmigrator he is (unfortunately) aware that he is the main character, causes problems on purpose

Zhao Yujin: 3rd the capital poll. I won't lie that this surprised me because I have seen one gifset total for this show on tumblr (the one that persuaded us to watch), but I guess for those who have seen it it is a legal requirement to vote for him because of literally everything he does ever. In his defence he fell in a pond as a child and then his overbearing mother babied him. That being said, he is an adult now

Huang Yaoshi: included because of @tavina-writes's extensive propaganda in the jianghu poll: my favourite part of it was "the OG torture flute soloist; his flute solo canonically sounds like sex, x-rated porn sounds"

Wu Xin: I missed him off the original jianghu poll, and also the whole point of the polls is for me to try and get people to watch my shows so there’s more fic and I’m not just here crying on my own. An overpowered gremlin boy. 'Would you like to get kidnapped?' 'no??' 'ok that's cool I'm kidnapping you anyway!'

[macwantspeace]

You got to imagine some guy in loudly colored tuxedo shouting into a microphone, "Introducing the Cybercat [tm]". Down at the bottom of the page is the FAQS. "Why aren't there any actual production images?" "Because we find it's more important to do the marketing before the engineering." The link to the ad page was included in comments on a mastodon thread about the Nantucket stuck truck.

And just a friendly reminder to not ever get it wet. Nope. No carwash. No scenic pond. Wipe it down with baby oil. Because the wiring system shorts out and blows the computer.

[tc-doherty]

Writetober Day 7: Drip

A week through already?

Anyway, moving on to the fourth Forbidden Story(TM), this is the one that I've played with the most but I've just come up with way too many ideas for it. I am just sort of picking one possible plotline to go with for this but it could still end up changing drastically lol

@did-i-do-this-write

Lovers always met in gardens, according to stories. It was such a well-known joke that an author didn't need to say anything leading at all, if two characters met each other in a garden, every reader would know what was going to happen later. And in some ways that made sense, because gardens were shot through with water, streams and ponds and fountains and waterfalls. And water – which had an endless cycle, which always joined together, which always flowed to where it belonged, which could fit anywhere, which nurtured life – was the element associated with the goddess of love. Still, many people had said, it was a bit lazy to rely on just that to indicate that a romantic relationship would happen.

Even so, Prince Seraltem spent a lot of time in gardens.

As the youngest trueborn son of King Serazin, he was very familiar with a life without love. A life where alliances and money and practicality held more weight. Even the men and women who functioned as stags and does – those lifelong companions, confidants, and advisors – to his various family members were not based on any kind of love. He should also expect that, be resigned to it.

But he wasn't.

Most members of his family were exasperated with him. They blamed it on too many ballads and novels, perhaps. Or the influence of High Priestess Aarlis, who was thought to be odd and dreamy herself. Or it was put at the feet of his mother, because his older sister Zenzerra was similarly afflicted.

Whatever the case, he drove his family to distraction. He knew that his wedding might be out of his hands entirely, but the role of his stag was not. And that person, who was supposed to be someone you could trust, who would never betray you or lead you astray, could not simply be the person that was most convenient or advantageous at the time. So Prince Seraltem rejected every candidate put forward to be his stag, and he dreamed about love, and prayed for it, and spent a lot of time in gardens.

Especially the garden attached to the high temple, which had the most marvelous fountain. It was taller than two men standing on one another's shoulders – a true masterpiece of engineering – and sculpted to depict the goddess of love herself. The water splashed down through multiple little trays, and made music of its own as it dripped back into the pond. Whether he would meet someone to fall in love with in the garden or not, it was still a very relaxing place to spend an afternoon.

That day was no different from any other. He had attended the high priestess' lecture on curses and healing, which he was allowed to attend on the basis of having just the barest traces of magic. After that he retreated to the garden and its fountain in order to avoid returning home. Prince Seraltem was interested in a wide variety of things, but squabbling with his other trueborn siblings over power and territory was not one of them. He would just as soon stick to his own strange routine and avoid being seen as competition.

So he was sprawled on his back on a carved stone bench, his guards standing at a discreet distance, sleepily musing once again about love when he heard a noise that was very distinctly not the usual sound of falling water.

It was, in fact, the panicked splashing of someone who could not swim finding themselves suddenly needing to.

He opened his eyes to see just that, someone flailing in the water where no person had been before.

Prince Seraltem waded into the pond without delay, and grabbed onto the arm of what turned out to be a young man who collapsed as soon as he had been pulled out of the water.

There were a lot of questions which could be asked, but the young man was very wan and his breathing was erratic.

"Your Highness," said one of the guards.

Prince Seraltem shook his head, hoisted up the stranger, and set off at a fast trot for the high priestess, who would assuredly know what to do.

[majickth]

Hiya, dm tango and au guppies anon here. Sorry for sending so many anon asks but once I started writing the "thing u want to say but no one's asked yet" one I got hit by a brainworm of the tek variety and didn't want to be weird and spam you askbox so I just hid ma face and asked anyways.

I still have many Tango Thoughts(tm) but I gotta ask how's Keralis doing in Hermit Hollow.

(Yes, my Tango thoughts are regarding the Create crew and I will probably come yell at the void about that at some point, but I also want to know about the individual Hermits before letting the brainrot win)

It’s no bother at all!! Love answering stuff about the au, I’m just really happy people like it :D

I talked about Keralis here, but in short he runs the old Pass n Gas station a little ways out of town. He’s a bit of an enigma to the townsfolk themselves, what with those big ol’ hypnotizing eyes, but he’s still part of Hermit’s Hollow.

That being said, I do like the thought of Tango ignoring the warnings and somehow befriending Keralis. He even manages to convince him to come over on game nights. Just, uh, on the condition that he leaves his ‘Princess’ back at the pond.

Also please share your Tango thoughts, the Create crew is just !!!

[alta-et-astra]

I've been thinking a lot about how hard everything is becoming. Below are my very rambling thoughts.

In my 20's I was having a Hard Time(tm) what with the Depression and everything, but I feel like the general trend of my life so far has been that I've been putting in the minimum effort possible to do whatever it was that I had to do.

In school I did really well. It came easily to me and I worked hard, but because it came easily, it was more of a situation where I spent a lot of time making sure I did all my homework rather than working really hard to understand something that I didn't get. Maybe I'm doing my younger self a disservice.

When I was in college I originally majored in Classics and Ancient Mediterranean Studies (and also French). Liberal Arts things came really easily to me so while I worked hard in the sense that I spent a lot of time doing all my assignments, I didn't have to break my brain and work hard in that way in order to understand something.

Then I got disillusioned or I got spooked or something and I switched my major basically by throwing a dart at the wall and picking the major that looked the hardest: computer science. And I struggled SO HARD. It didn't come easily to me and all of a sudden school was really difficult and I had a hard time with everything. Of course throughout all this I was also still suffering from undiagnosed depression, but this extra mental load of not Getting It and needing to bang my head against a wall to get anywhere with my classes was an extra level of difficulty. It was very much a discovery of I'm a small sort of smart fish in a big pond of many larger, smarter fish. The experience rocked me and my academic standards slipped and I pretty much barely graduated, coasting along on my GPA boosting Liberal Arts classes. C's get degrees, after all!

After graduation I had a string of software engineering jobs where I was just barely putting in an effort, but it was enough. And then I had a baby and couldn't commute anymore so I got a remote job that I managed to hold down for four years. It was a good job but it was difficult and I learned a lot. At first putting in a bit more than the bare minimum was enough. And then it suddenly wasn't. Things got hard and I put in less effort. And then it all blew up in my face and I couldn't work there anymore.

After four and a half months of unemployment I got another job but I was falling into old patterns of barely putting in any effort. And then my whole department got laid off after two months and it didn't matter. And now once again I have a new job, now going on two and a half months and I'm falling back into barely putting in effort.

And I don't know how to change that. My bare minimum is clearly not enough. And yet between kids, work, hobbies, household, etc. I'm spread so thin I can't imagine putting more of myself into work or anything else. I'm so tired. I feel burnt out. Maybe I'm doing myself a disservice. Maybe I'm just looking to excuse my lack of hard work.

Soon I won't be the new person at work anymore and I won't be able to rely on that as an excuse as to why I haven't been finishing things quickly. Soon there will be another new person and it would look really bad if they start doing better than me who has been there for three months.

This lack of hard work is happening in my art too. I've plateaued in my skill level.

I should apply myself more.

For a long time I flailed around wanting to get out of tech and thinking I could run away to graduate school, though I didn't have a plan and despite applying and getting in a few times, I never actually went. But now I have a direction I think. I know what I want to study and why I want to study it. I have a goal.

I want to think that I am a wiser person than I was in my 20's having never needed to apply myself before I never learned how to. But now I need to apply myself. I can give myself grace where needed but my goal needs to be to not bite the hand that feeds me and my family. Try a little more at work. Butt in chair, stop letting myself get distracted by literally everything other than what I need to do for work.

With art, enjoy the process, do challenging things because they are interesting.

Stay curious in all things, even if they are hard, even if they are for my job and I feel like there's a wall between me and the thing I need to get done.

Work hard on my grad school goals. This is not a waiting period, this is my life and only I can build it in the direction I want it to go.

Do the hard thing. Climb the wall.

[persephinae]

imagine being an autistic who "Must Have Things Quiet(TM)" in Skyrim

nirnroot chilling by some pond: nrrRRRRrrrRRRRrrRRRRRR RRR

some absolute madman running past, grabbing it, shoving it in their pouch while muttering vehemently, "SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!! BY THE NINE WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!"