#the pirates who don't do anything

[usssnarfblat]

Ladies and gentlemen, I present the courageous heroes who will save America and Gaza...

The "Progressives" Who Won't Do Anything!

We are progressives 

Who don't do anything 

We stay home and we

Refuse to vote!

And if you ask us 

To do anything 

Well just tell you...

...We're abstaining

Well I wouldn't vote for Hillary 

Cuz she was problematic 

And I couldn't vote for Biden

Cuz that geezer's hit the wall

And I won't accept an ally

If we disagree on anything 

And I'm not voting for Harris in the fall...!

Cuz we're "progressives"

Who won't do anything 

We just like to act

Righteous online 

And when minorities 

Beg us to do something 

We'll just tell them...

...We're "protesting!" 

Yeah I love to harp on Gaza

But the fact that Trump would make the war

A hundred times more bloody 

Doesn't factor in at all!

I don't care about the outcome 

I just like some moral hand washing 

I'm fine if Trump takes over in the fall! 

Cuz we're progressives

Who won't do anything 

We'll vote "third party"

Or not at all 

And when Trump says ...

"Let Israel finish the job!"

We'll just tell you...

"But Harris supports Israel!"

Adult Who Does Their Research: "And Palestine! She wants to rebuild Gaza and get the Palestinians a free state! Can you imagine the waves that would send through that part of the world, if a WOMAN president was the one to help the Palestinians? The affect that could have on Afghanistan? Iran?

She can't magically end the war, but she cares about the Palestinians one hell of a lot more than the Islamophobic narcissist does!

And not to sound cold, but the war in Gaza is just a drop in the bucket of terrible things going on in the world that Trump can make a LOT worse! Not to mention everything here at home! Have you been following *any* other news?"

Look, I'm sad that Ro was overturned 

The middle class is shrinking 

And I do remember kids in cages at the boarder wall

And I want to help the homeless 

And I care about transgender rights

Just not enough to vote for them this fall! 

Cuz we're Progressives 

Who don't do anything 

We just preach and fap

And b*tch online 

And if you beg us 

To please do something 

We'll just tell you 

We're not choo-oosing!

Using violent insurrection

To overturn the election 

And all of the other blatant fascist writing on the wall

Doesn't bother me the slightest 

Cuz I slept through Modern History...

Adult Who Does Their Research: You guys are putrid. 

....And we're happy to let Trump back in this faaall! 

Are you an "activist" who takes action? Or just a dressed-up vegetable?

[its-your-mind]

absolutely disgusting. unfollowing him now. I thought he was a pirate but it turns out that he’s never been to Boston in the fall.

[obadiah-bumbly]

If VeggieTales Was A Popular Tumblr Fandom:

(I don't know anything about this fandom, I'm just making stuff up)

Larry/Bob shippers and Larry/Petunia shippers are at constant odds. A popular Barry blog says Parry is unimaginative and homophobic. The Parry clapback is a lengthy call-out about disregarding platonic male friendships and fetishizing gay men. There is never a resolution to this conflict.

The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything Polycule truthers get constant pushback due to Pa Grape's 20 year age gap between Larry and Mr. Lunt. There is an absolute dumpster fire of an argument in the fan art community about whether it's ableist to give eyes to the human versions of Pa and Lunt. A controversial artist twinkifies all three of them. The fatphobia discourse starts and don't stop. They deactivate after being sent one too many hate asks.

A Jimmy/Jerry incest blog ended up with the URL of VeggieTales-Official.

There's a Junior Asparagus hate blog that posted weekly oneshots of Junior suffering in increasingly bizarre and gruesome ways, until they post a very long rant about US politics one day and never post again.

There is an unsurprisingly large vore community that is ignored by the fandom at large.

The longest fic in the fandom is a still ongoing Larryboy au that is nearly 650,000 words and gets progressively more grimdark as the story goes on.

The fandom at large accepts that the vegetables have invisible genitals, in the same way they have invisible hands. However, one adamant theorist insists they reproduce asexually, or at least have cloacas. This leads to the infamous blog veEGG-stables being created, the contents solely being related to the blogger's egg laying kink, and fascination with Scooter.

Archibald becomes a Tumblr Sexyman.

Mrs. Blueberry is the fandom milf, and often shipped with The Peach. Anyone that even implies that she's under the age of 40 gets dog piled.

The Boyz in the Sink are given the boy band treatment. They constantly clash with BTS over acronyms.

Someone attempts a New Testament fancast. They get sent death threats instantly.

[captainsvscaptains]

Round 1 Part 4 Poll 7

Propaganda

All three of them kind of share the captain role. Point is, they don't do anything. There's a song about it.

Ged's a wizard he's bisexual and he loves his boat so much. He's sailed around the world on his beloved little boat and learned everything about sailing even though he could've just used magic because it brought him joy. I just like him a lot. Also he talks to dragons

[pirate-deathmatch]

Round 2 Port: The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything (Veggie Tales) vs Oluwande Boodhari (Our Flag Means Death)

Oluwande might not have extensive on-screen combat experience, but he can think on his feet and can co-run an excellent con. Meanwhile the Pirates Who Don't Do Anything are certainly well-rested, because they've never swabbed the poop deck and they've never buried treasure in St. Louis or St. Paul.

The pirates MAY use any special skills or equipment they possess. They may NOT call on any friends or creatures to assist them. For the sake of this tournament, all pirates CAN be killed and cannot come back to life during the fight. Reblog to throw a vegetable at the opponent. Deathmatch masterpost here.

[tigresslanzhu]

You can just tell when the crew of a movie has fun with what they’re working with!

Pa: Come on, we have contractual obligations to finish this one!

Mr. Lunt: They paid for a full 79 minutes of entertainment, pal! GET BACK IN THE BOOTH!

Larry: Wake me up for the prequel that we want to release in three years but won’t be able to because this movie didn’t make that much at the box office!

[starlight-n-shit]

Hyperspecific poll time:

[noknowshame]

Best parts of Veggie Tales: The Pirates Who Don't do Anything (2008)

the plot concept of "waiters at a pirate-themed dinner theater are transported back in time and forced to pretend to actually be real pirates” love them for this.

hilarious and perplexing lack of religious content for a media franchise with the sole purpose of teaching children about Christianity. The god people wanted to make this movie so bad they forgot to put the god in it

the main villain (Robert the Terrible) is a pirate captain with a peg entire body because he is a pea and does not have any limbs in the first place

One of the mechanical limbs is still a peg leg even though there is no logical precedent for this. Amazing.

Robert is a master inventor. This makes sense to me and me alone because of the Greek myth I read about in which Hephaestus falls to earth and learns how to blacksmith from Sintian pirates

before the main characters get isekaied back to the 1700s an elderly blind man delivers a prophecy to them. so I guess Tireseas is here and he is a leek

Blackbeard is mentioned. I need to know what kind of vegetable he's supposed to be. I like to think he is a head of lettuce for the decapitation pun

"just get me back to 1972, I can walk from there"

the wait a minute isn't this just the plot of Galaxy Quest?" is made clear by both movies including a giant rock monster

at the very end they play the song Rock Monster, a parody of Rock Lobster by the B-52s

Robert is the villain because he wants to take vengeance against the king for redistributing the wealth to the people. so even when the pirates are the bad guys the moral of the story is still Socialism

the king... is heavily implied to secretly BE God? A lot to unpack there.

A lot.

???? like????

Bob the Tomato is not in the movie because Bob the Tomato is directing the movie. meta.

[keigos-wings]

yknow who this mf look like lowkey…

[kirkklan2]

187 - "Crossover of the Century"

[sleeplessdreamer14]

mystery trio in a the pirates who don’t do anything AU.

that’s it.

[its-your-mind]

honorable mention: going to Boston in the fall

[madsthehatter410]

I don’t know why I’m thinking about this at 2:30am, but, can someone please help me figure out why Archibald Asparagus playing Wilory the butler in The Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything: A VeggieTales Movie look like he should be in Act 1 of Hamilton!?!?

[pirate-deathmatch]

Round 1 Port: The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything (Veggie Tales) vs Foxy (Five Nights at Freddy's)

The pirates who don't do anything have strength in numbers! Unfortunately if you ask them to do anything they'll just tell you they don't do anything, and they've never been to Boston in the fall. They also don't have hands-- but they do have hats! Foxy, on the other hand, is made out of metal with a lot of teeth and is so creepy looking that it forced your humble moderator to break neutrality to say: what is that, what the fuck is that and how do I kill it? He's metal so maybe salt water will mess with him, I don't know.

[the pirates MAY use any special skills or equipment they possess. They may NOT call on any friends or creatures to assist them. For the sake of this tournament, all pirates CAN be killed and cannot come back to life during the fight. Deathmatch masterpost Here]