#the people you spent a year of school bonding and interacting with but ultimately losing

[alstroemerian-dragon]

been having some thoughts again. thinking about pre-sim, post tragedy, that middling ground where they were taken in by the foundation but not yet discovered.

under the cut bc it might get. long

okay so. idr how much ive gone into this but the anime made some Wild decisions when it came to how the despairs got captured by the foundation because in the game its. its pretty clear how they got there and its Not by fighting the agents and getting captured. they turned themselves in. as Survivors. as Innocents. ive talked abt this i think but its pretty clear To Me from the emails we read in the last chapter of sdr2 that izuru sent anonymous info to the foundation about fifteen survivors of the hpa tragedy that they werent originally aware of and where they could be found, and that the despairs lied and pretended to have amnesia about who they were and what had happened in order to get into the foundations facilities. incredibly risky. izuru knew several things that could happen, and he knew that the survivors of dr1 would be there, and may recognize them

so now im thinking about that uneasy period after theyve turned themselves in one by one, joined together as a group pretending to be traumatized amnesiacs, but secretly plotting a destruction from the inside. And Then The DR1 Survivors Start To Remember Them.

i think it would be Really interesting if makoto remembered nagito first. just by virtue of their shared talent, and how nagito would see makoto, i think they saw a lot of each other in school, and so something like. i dunno. maybe after one session of the memory therapy trying to retrieve the survivors school memories makoto sees someone flipping a coin and it hits him like a train. and then he and kiyoko start putting the pieces together as the feeling of dread rises in them all as they all start to remember more and more, the uneasy relationship between their two classes, the snippets of memories of junko acting strangely with class 77 and how close she was to them out of everyone else in 78, and then their death at the end of the school year before the parade got to them. like. they should All be dead.

but theyre not. and theyre here. and the signs start jumping out to the dr1 cast like neon red flashing warnings.

im just thinking about them figuring out how to get the despairs on a ship without tipping their superiors off to their goal, faking paperwork, getting other people to go along with it, the despairs being confused and alarmed as to whats happening but. izuru says to go with it. dont make a fuss. dont act up yet. and so they go quietly. and only once theyre already on their way to jabberwock does kiyoko pull a gun on them and the truth comes out

man. i need to write something.

[rainbowoverdragon]

Thoughts on Ryo

This is an analysis of Zane Truesdale/Ryo Marufuji, focusing on his mindset as well as his relationships with other people. As I am basing this off the original Japanese version for standardization, all names likewise are their sub counterparts.

When Sho obtains a rare and powerful card from his brother, he believes he has it made. After this, Sho finds the courage to confront his bully in a duel. So after he draws Power Bond, Sho thinks he has it made. He gloats to the bully, insulting him, making outlandish claims out of the arrogant belief that he can't lose. Before he can use it, Sho is interrupted by the very person who gifted him that card. "You aren't worthy to use that card yet. Until you have what it takes to be called a duelist, I declare that card off-limits.'' Devastated by this statement, Sho proceeded to view himself as incapable of dueling for years; unworthy of Power Bond. It’s an establishing character moment for both Marufuji brothers, setting Ryo up as an impossible standard to reach in Sho’s eyes. However, for Ryo, his intentions are revealed to be more well-intentioned than Sho is led to believe. In episode 8, Sho realizes that Ryo wished for Sho to treat his own power with respect: towards both his opponent and his high-risk high-reward cards. This constant cycle of good intentions and misplaced words leads to a negative feedback loop between the brothers that seems impossible to resolve. Ryo struggles to convey his own observations to others in a way that doesn’t come off as condescending. Sho cannot take things past face value, and places his brother upon a pedestal that he cannot surpass. After all, how can you beat perfection itself?

During his years in Duel Academy, Ryo is the embodiment of perfection. He is the opposite of his brother, never missing a single mark in any area. Everyone constantly refers to Ryo as “perfect”, from his teachers to his peers to even the Kaiser himself. He even soundly beats Judai in the first duel they have together, a feat seen as impossible by the audience. But it’s this very idea of perfection that haunts Ryo, as he believes that perfection implies stagnation. If Ryo has perfect scores in class, there is no way to improve them. If he reached the peak of his potential in one duel, that means it’s all downhill from there. His greatest fears are confirmed when he loses to Edo in the Pro Leagues, starting a chain of losses that ruins his career beyond repair. Ryo is perfect. He is so perfect, that during his school years he never truly struggled against an opponent (Aside from Judai in Episodes 51-52 however he maintained the advantage for the majority of the duel). In fact, he suffered from the opposite problem. As Ryo is too powerful, he’d purposely hold back until his peers could unleash their trump cards against him. Only then did he defeat them with just enough power to avoid humiliation. His first loss wasn’t only his first loss, it was the first time Ryo found himself in a disadvantaged position. His inexperience with failure led to him associating the mere act of struggle with the idea of loss. Ryo’s inability to move past this is his own self-fulfilling prophecy. Being afraid of failure makes people play to not lose. Playing to not lose instead of playing to win causes chokes, which results in losses. Unable to break from this cycle, Ryo is abandoned by his sponsors. Which is why the idea of Underground Duels, a place where he can start over and regain his bearings is so enticing. At least, until they reveal the condition.

And at first, Ryo despises the Underground. He appeals to be released, he states it’s not what dueling is, it’s nothing like he could ever imagine. And how could it be? Ryo’s life is on the line, and for no good reason. The shock collars are there to make things fun for the audience, not for any other benefit! In his duel with Sho, who says that 'this isn't dueling', Ryo even admits he thought the same thing. It spits on the very concept of respecting your opponent. The collars humiliate you, egging you on to forget about the other person. And in general, is amoral (as well as a human rights violation). Underground Duels are almost always life or death, because nobody fights harder than people who are convinced they are going to die. And Ryo is convinced that if he duels the way that he always has, if he clings into his morals, he will die. His opponent, Mad Dog, purposely created a deck to counter him. So why should he respect him? Why should he not aim to win? Why can’t he aim to survive? After crawling from hell, nothing is the same for the Kaiser. Because every duel is another reminder that he survived. He is unable to see any match he takes for fun, every duel to him is life or death. In the real world, there are people who lose and wither away, and people who win and thrive. And by god, he wants to feel alive. He spent so long losing, something utterly unthinkable for the Kaiser of Duel Academy. Ryo was undefeated before, now he truly wishes to not experience it again. If forcing himself to feel that every fight of his is to the death, literally or mentally, then so be it. He continues dueling in the Underground, continues to utilize the shock collars he once despised. No matter what cost, health or mind, Ryo requires victory.

When Ryo is told that his health is failing from his shock collars, he doesn’t seek medical attention. Because to Ryo, being alive is more important than living. He transformed into Hell Kaiser achieved the great power that comes from becoming a monster, at the cost of self-destruction. He flirted with death, and finally has to pay the price. And he doesn’t care. As long as Ryo obtains what he wishes, he is happy. And what the Hell Kaiser wants more than anything else, is one last duel to surpass all others. Ryo would rather reach the limit of his capabilities, and die meeting them than waste away quietly to be forgotten forever. Thus he seeks Yubel, the strongest monster spirit in the Universe. If he meets an opponent of his caliber and 'shines' during the mattle, then he’d have nothing to fear in death. But he does. After entering his long-awaited match, Ryo admits to not wanting to die. He wants to live, he wants to leave a mark that can never be forgotten. Yet he doesn’t want to die. Ryo has achieved everything he wanted, shown the strongest he has been or will ever be. Before he duels Yubel, he comes to a revelation. At first, Ryo wished to fight the strongest being to win. He doesn't care anymore. Ryo is dying, win or lose the result is the same. Since he turned Hell Kaiser, Ryo only respected victory. The joy he obtained by knowing he survived another duel is utterly meaningless against Yubel. What happiness does he obtain knowing he survived….when he isn’t going to live to begin with? He understands that the duel itself is what makes Ryo feel alive, doing the most with what remaining time he has with his life. As Ryo tells Judai, his death is the end of the road for people who glorify power. And thus it’s no surprise that Ryo is taken out by the card he is associated with most: Power Bond. A card that lets you receive unthinkable amounts of power, at the price of self-destruction.

Out of all the people who save Judai from himself, the Kaiser’s impact is one of the most apparent. It takes someone who knows the suffering someone else goes through to achieve empathy, especially in Judai's case. Judai struggles with sympathy, as shown with his interactions with Sho in Seasons 1-3. Whenever Sho asks for help with his confidence, Judai gives him the helpful advice of "Don't be anxious!" Judai cannot comprehend being insecure with one's capabilities, thus he cannot help Sho directly. In contrast, Judai is more receptive to empathy. Manjoume's crisis in Season 1 revolved around the pressure others placed upon him to succeed. Judai deeply understands his strife, and helps him fight for himself. This is why Misawa's speech about accountability fails to help Judai utilize Polymerization. Misawa has no fundamental basis to understand Judai's feelings. In contrast, Kaiser's duel with Yubel awakens Judai's character growth. Ryo is Judai's cautionary tale, a warning of self-fulfilling prophecies. During the Graduation Duel, Ryo tells Judai that he possesses infinite potential compared to himself. This rings true in watching Ryo's belief of his own lack of capability to change, resulting in his inability to change because he destroyed himself beyond repair. In contrast, Judai has not fallen to this path. Watching Ryo's descent as well as his late realization means everything to Judai: especially someone so responsive to empathy. This is because they are mirrors of each other, to the point their character’s arcs are entirely parallel to one another. Both are idolized for the power they hold over others, both of them experience the loss of the pedestal they once stood upon. Both achieve the sharpest fall from grace (against an opponent with ‘Mad’ in their title), which leads to them glorifying their own power and abusing it against others. Despite their friends trying to help them, it is ultimately up to themselves to self-actualize their shortcomings. However it is Ryo, who thinks he cannot change, who succumbs upon his own revelation. And it is Ryo, who always believed in Judai’s infinite potential even in the Graduation Duel, who changes Judai’s path. Without Ryo, Judai would be unable to utilize his power responsibly. Because Judai now knows what happens to people who push themselves too far, just like how he used to. Power is not something to be afraid of or abused, but to use responsibly.

The Hell Kaiser doesn’t entirely work for others; he even states he fought Yubel out of selfish motivations. However, Ryo is also constantly associated with lighthouses. To the people that mean the most to him, Ryo is a light that tries to guide others to safety. However lighthouses are far away from the people they try to save, and thus it takes the initiative of others to help themselves after seeing the light from afar. This is shown by Ryo’s relationships with the people he’s closest to remaining fundamentally the same from his own side: regardless of his actual guidance being positive or negative. Ryo’s actions and intentions around Sho remain the same across both his younger self and Hell Kaiser: each time trying to guide Sho to become the best version of himself. "Until you have what it takes to be called a duelist, I declare that card off-limits."", is the devastating statement Ryo told Sho as kids. But Ryo believed his brother needed to understand true power in respect, guiding Sho away from arrogance and towards the light of good. His brother's weakness required defending. This concept is twisted on its head once Ryo becomes Hell Kaiser, who only views power or meaning in victory. Thus he employs the same tactic, because Ryo does not see the difference between restricting Power Bond to teach respect, and having Sho experience the same pain he did to ditch it.

Both Ryo and Hell Kaiser sing the same song. Ryo intends on ‘protecting’ his weaker brother by teaching him right from wrong. Both times, Sho and Ryo misunderstand each other. At first, Sho doesn’t comprehend the real reason why Ryo forbade Power Bond. The second time, Ryo doesn’t understand how Sho can cling to his own beliefs of respect even if he loses because of it. However, the one time Ryo’s words connect is when he saves Sho in season 3. And even then, it’s an admission of distance between the two. Ryo sees Sho’s pain inflicted by Judai far outweighs what Ryo had done to Sho. Thus Ryo advises Sho to follow Judai, since it’s what his heart truly desired all along. He then leaves, to force Sho into walking his own path. Ryo cannot spell out Sho's wishes any more than he does. And if Sho is alone, then he is forced to swim instead of sink.

Ryo’s association with lighthouses in canon directly correlates to Fubuki. As much as Fubuki is associated with darkness, Ryo is quite literally the light that shines through to him. When Fubuki was overtaken by Darkness in the first arc, we later find out that Ryo regrets being unable to find Fubuki no matter how much information and effort he scrounged up. Fubuki then replies that the mere act of trying saved him, as he could see Ryo’s feelings in spite of the darkness that consumed him. To Fubuki, Ryo is the lighthouse that guides people through the darkness. And when Fubuki is overtaken by the Darkness in an attempt to save Ryo from it, Ryo’s feelings once again vanquishes Fubuki from the dark. However, instead of the Kaiser saving Fubuki, Hell Kaiser explicitly protects him from Darkness. Because the two are friends, even after everything Ryo’s been through. This leads Fubuki to a revelation that no one else understands: Hell Kaiser is not fundamentally different from Ryo. Fubuki realizes that even as Hell Kaiser, Ryo respected Fubuki. Why else would he save him from Darkness? Indeed, every interaction of Ryo’s major interpersonal relationships are fundamentally the same. It’s simply his worldview that shifted. As much as Ryo wishes to respect others, he doesn’t think he can in a world where everyone must take advantage of their life to the fullest extent.

And Ryo, who cannot change because he thinks he cannot change, stayed as he was until it was far too late to be saved.

[llogllady99]

Crimson Red : Chapter 1

Scholar’s Mate

CHARACTERS | Levi, Erwin, Petra, Hange, Moblit, Mike, Nanaba, Eld, Oluo, Gunther, Kenny, Erwin’s Father, Kuchel, Frieda Reiss, Nile Dok, Yelena, Marie RELATIONSHIPS | Levi x Erwin GENRE | Mystery, Thriller, Romance, Dark Academia IV | Blood and gore, Blood and violence, Alternate universe - modern setting/high school/ boarding school, angst and fluff and smut, knife kink, knife play, drama & romance, eventual romance, eventual smut, emotional manipulation, cults, rituals SUMMARY | Sina Academy of Excellence and Inquiry is the best boarding school in all of England, producing over time leaders of Nations and outstanding personalities in society as well as being the perfect environment for your child to flourish in, spending his time with specially trained staff to support his need and wonderful, well behaved peers like him. We only have two rules: don't go in the woods and do not try to go through locked doors. From the statement above one would have assumed that Sina was the perfect school and that the rules that were imposed were just for their children's safety, but as Levi joins the school at the beginning of his senior year, he uncovers a secret so putrid and morbid that will leave him scared for life. That is...if he manages to make it out alive.

Chapter song: Devil’s trill sonata

August 23rd 1996, London

Deformed, lazy, pungent smelling circles rose above her head, as Kuchel exhaled the smoke the cigarette she was currently holding between her long, bony, alabaster fingers provided her with. She did not smoke that often, only when she was under a rather stressful situation. Today, her son would be departing from home in order to attend a boarding school across country. It wasn’t that she did not trust him or have enough faith in him, but since his brother announced Levi’s immediate enrolment, a feeling of distress had started to grow in the pit of her stomach, becoming larger and larger everyday, until it finally managed to take upon her entire being. Thence, the obnoxious amount of cigarette butts lying around carelessly and forgotten on the balcony of her victorian terraced house. Taking one last drag out of the device, which would inevitably bring upon her death someday, she dropped it to the tiled floor and not sparing a second glance its way, stomped it until the electric orange that lined its edge turned a dark ashy brown. Further covering up herself with her long brown coat and shivering slightly from the chill morning, Kuchel made her way back inside the house where the sound of piano keys being pressed consistently in formation of a slow and disturbing song grew louder and louder as she approached her son’s room.

The door was opened and inside a large piano could be spotted by the large and covered with white and blue curtains window. Sited at the instrument was Levi, pressing the keys with precision, his brows furrowed in concentration.

“Devil’s trill sonata?” Kuchel asked, sitting down on the small sofa in front of a coffee table where an unfinished game of chess laid, its pieces shining with the bright light seeping in from the windows. If she didn’t know any better she might’ve said that this was a new chess set, but with her son’s obsession with keeping everything clean and organised, something rarely got in poor condition.

“Indeed, mother. Took me a while to learn it. Care to share your opinion?” Levi replied not taking his eyes off the keyboard.

“It’s exquisite, like every sound your hands ever produced on that piano.” She answered, leaning further into the soft cushions of the couch. As if to prove her wrong, Levi pressed the wrong key and unbalanced the whole song, losing his concentration and ultimately his rhythm. Sighing in frustration, he got up and joined his mother on the couch.

“And just when I think I’ve got it, I mess it up.” Levi fretted, then glanced at the unfinished game of chess. “Humour me mother and grant me the honour of one last game of chess before we depart.”

“Certainly,” she replied then helped her son rearrange the pieces on the board. She chose white so she could dictate the conduct of the game: a simple scholar’s mate from her son as they were already late to the station. ‘E4 e5, Qh7 Nc6, Bc4 Nf6, Qxf7’ , Levi checkmated her, stood up and sought her hand, also bring her to her feet shortly after.

“I think it would have been better if we postponed the game, winning in such a desolate manner almost has me furious. However, I am well aware that we are already late to the station. Please lead the way mother.” Kuchel smiled at her boy, of course it would infuriate him, this game was nothing like the hour long matches they used to share, her being the first that introduced the game to Levi.

“Levi dear, you never did tell me why you quit competition, you would have become a master by now.” Kuchel said from the driver’s seat, looking shortly in Levi’s way. She personally offered to drive her son to the station as she wanted to spent every last moment with him before he was gone. She was sure to miss him dearly, and he would miss her too, though he won’t show it because he would be too embarrassed to do so.

“I’m quite confident you know, but I will tell you one final time: Isabell enjoyed the game and it feels wrong competing, something that she never got to experience as the rug was pulled from beneath her feet before she even had a chance.” Levi turned away and looked out the window, slightly fidgeting with his hands. “What do you think the school will be like? You attended a boarding school yourself, so please tell me.”

“That was a long time sweetie, a lot has changed since then, but I will tell you this: the bond you will form with your soon to be friends will last a life time.” Kuchel replied, not taking her eyes off the road. After a few more turns they arrived at the train station. It was finally time to say goodbye. Levi regarded her with one of his warmest smiles and wrapped her in a tight hug. “I will see you soon, mother. Take care.” And just like that he was gone, his small form disappearing behind the high arched red pillars of the station, the small black suitcase with the last of his belongings trailing behind him. His other luggage had been sent before hand. Kuchel wiped a tear from her cheek and got back in the car, heading in the direction of the closest high class bar.

-

To say the train was packed would be an understatement, every wagon was agglomerated by students just like him chatting animatedly about their summers, their high pitched voices ringing through the train, worsening his already present headache. He decided to try another wagon, so pushing past the intermediate hall’s door, he entered the isle of one with cabins. Every single one of them was packed with the same loud and obnoxious students, except the one from the very end. A cabin whose occupant was a girl with messy brown hair, tied up carelessly into a ponytail, square glasses sitting gently on the tip of her slightly down turned nose. She was mindlessly eating from a bag of chips as she pondered over whatever it was that she was looking at through the compartment’s window. Levi slid the door open and cleared his throat to get the girl’s attention. The girl shook her head, startled a bit by his presence then cocked an eyebrow his way, urging him to say something.

“Do you mind?”

“Mind what?” The brunette replied, her voice melodic and with just the right amount of deepness to it.

“Me sitting here.” Levi replied awkwardly, faking indifference and adopting a bored looking expression. He was never good with people and interactions like this distressed him immensely.

“Not at all, please take a sit.” The girl smiled and gestured for the sit in front of him.

“Thanks.” Levi hoisted his luggage up and dumped it on the support space above their heads, before proceeding to sit across from her. For a few minutes none of them spoke a word, instead switching their gaze between the landscape present beyond the window and themselves when they thought the other wasn’t looking.

“Hange.” The girl suddenly muttered.

“Excuse me?” Levi switched his gaze towards her, tilting his head to the side bewildered.

“Name’s Hange.” The girl, Hange, rapidly spoke, seemingly experiencing the same overwhelming emotions that came with meeting new people as him.

“Nice meeting you Hange, my name is Levi.” He extended her hand out to her and after a moment’s hesitation the brunette shook his hand.

"You headin’ to Sina?”

“Indeed, I am. I assume you do too?” He said, his eyes fixing her uniform: a white and freshly starched button up with a navy blue skirt, tailored to sit just above the knee, and a purple tie.

“Yeah.” Hange replied awkwardly then started fidgeting with her hands a bit more.

“The students screaming like they own the place do too?” He tried to ask, to further stir the conversation.

“Yeah, they are. My friends were also supposed to be here but one of them will be coming tomorrow and the rest are already at the academy.”

“So soon? Wow, I barely came today because it was required and because of the orientation day tomorrow.” Levi was being unusually vocal. Maybe he was just trying to soothe the other girl’s nerves, but he also felt that he could trust her, weirdly enough. At his affirmation, Hange’s face lighted up, and all traces of embarrassment seemed to have fled from her face as she now began talking earnestly. Orientation day was an opportunity for the students to mingle with other houses, or factions as she like to call them, and meet their professors, explore the school, and if they weren’t already be sorted into a house. Hange also made sure to enumerate all the teachers present, emphasising on someone with the name of Frieda Reiss, the math teacher and Nile Dok, the history teacher that apparently made very good jokes and his lessons were always pleasant for the students, being one of the few moments of relaxation throughout their day.

“What house are you in Levi?”

“That I certainly don’t know, I suppose I am to be sorted.”

“Yeah, well the housing system is pretty fucked up if you ask me. They organise us based on our personality type.”

“Is that a bad thing? It doesn’t seem to be, I would be quite content with being placed in a house with personalities similar to mine, makes the whole socialising thing so much easier.”

“Sure, but you wouldn’t be stepping outside your comfort zone,” retorted Hange. “Not to mention the discrimination against those who are considered “less special” are made.”

“I believe that if we were all to be the same, the world would surely become quite insipid.”

“If everyone shared your opinion, the school would be a much more better place.”

“Please explain the housing system to me, Hange.” Her gaze settling once again on him from where it was directed out the window, she began explaining. The housing system was based on the personality types of people and the roles which they played in society, making it easier for the staff to each of their individual needs. There were four houses. The first was Boethiah house, where architects, logicians, commanders, and debaters would reside. Its signature colour was purple, symbolising the high intellect its students possessed. The second house was Antheia, where advocates, mediators, protagonists, and campaigners found their place. Represented by the colour green, the house was known for its social and communicative students. The third was Martell house, which gave place to the logisticians, defenders, executives, and consuls, the indigo blue colour signifying their nurturing and loyal nature. The last of the houses was Lannister, housing the virtuosus, adventurers, entrepreneurs, and entertainers. The people in this house were fun and full of humour, the colour yellow revealing their outgoing nature. The houses were named by the four founders of the school, respectively Phoibe Boethiah, Panacea Martell, Caelum Antheia, Kestrel Lannister.

“Hange I’m sorry to interrupt you but this whole thing seems very Harry Potter to me, and don’t let me get started on the names, they sound right out of a fantasy novel.” Levi snorted, amused by his new school.

“Yeah, but the school was founded in 1000 AD, imagine the names they had then.” Hange replied, huffing out a laugh.

“I assume you’re from Boethiah?” He said, jerking his chin in the direction of her purple tie.

“Yeah, we are the smallest house as our personalities are so rare. I wonder what house they’ll place you in. Did you take the test?”

“Yeah, when I took my entrance exam a few months ago, something about a psychological evaluation.” And with that their conversation ended, instead each of them turning their attention to their forever changing surroundings, vibrant green meadows and flowery fields slowly turning into dull, grey moors as the sun above then started to set, orange, red, yellow, and orange blending with the dark blue the night brought along.

-

At the academy, in the encrimsoned light of the headmaster’s office, Erwin Smith stood proudly  with his hands behind his back watching from the giant circular window over the school’s gates in anticipation of the students’ arrival for the new trimester.

“You did quite a good job last year, Erwin. I expect the same this year.” Arcturus Smith, Erwin’s father and also the headmaster, spoke from his dark oak desk in the middle of the room, breaking the silence that had settled over the office. The blonde turned his attention to his father and bowed his head in appreciation and assurance. Arcturus bent slightly over the desk, his chin now resting in the palm of his hands.

“Please come take a seat. Let me introduce you to this year’s targets.”

“I was actually questioning myself when you were going to introduce them to me.” Erwin said, as he made to take a sit across his father. The man pushed two files in his direction, both of them stamped with red ink that spelled “CLASSIFIED”. Carefully, he picked up the first one and opened it. The picture of a redheaded girl with short hair stood in front of him.

“Nifa Thompson,” he read out loud. He eyed his father expectingly.

“She’s a sophomore and you have until September 21st, think you can handle it?” Arcturus cocked his eyebrow. “The girl isn’t very sociable and I’m sure some undeserved attention from the school’s head boy and number one bachelor will send her flying over the moon.” Erwin sighed and shook his head, then after a moment’s reconsideration looked up at his father and approved. The next file was about a new boy by the name of Levi Ackerman, he had short raven hair styled in an undercut, piercing blue-silver eyes, and a bored, impassive expression. He doubted he would be an easy target but he was up for a challenge. Looking up at his father, Erwin smirked.

“This one is perfect father. Blood type O and INTJ Personality type. He’s a gem. His mother is an alcoholic, his uncle is nowhere to be found, and he has no other close relatives. No one's going to miss him when he's gone. ” Now he laughed. Arcturus eyes shone with satisfaction.

“Just perfect for this winter’s sacrifice. And guess what? It’s also going to be a full moon, just like you always wanted. Maybe this year I’ll let you do the honourifics. That is, if everything goes as planned.” Then the headmaster leaned down in his chair and adopting again his usual cold demeanour, he said, “You are dismissed, son. Please go and welcome our students. I wish you a good year, full of achievements and perfect scores.

Erwin bowed and left the office.

-

As Levi walked through the massive iron gates of the school, he immediately gawked. Sina was like nothing he had seen. To put it simply: the school was spectacular. Touched by gothic architecture, the building displayed pointed arches lighted by golden yellow lamps from below, flying buttresses, and embellished colonnades. One feature that particularly stood out to Levi were the large lion statuettes that stood firmly place on each side of the enormous front staircase that started from the yard in which they were currently walking in, and that had a beautiful lotus pooled white marble fountain, and ended right beneath two high arched oak doors. At the gate they were met with a teacher, a women in her thirties that had piercing blue-purple eyes and ebony black hair that fell flawlessly on her navy blue Tudor coat, who escorted them inside the school.

The entry gave way to a long and wide hallway with vaulted ceiling and intermittently placed pillars. A few feet from each other hung golden chandeliers lightning their way as they headed in the direction the teacher was leading them in. High up in the ceiling there was stained glass through which the moon’s light slipped in, almost unnoticeably.

In the dining room there were four long tables each placed parallel to each other, the ceiling was painted with frescoes, beautiful biblical images. The professors’ dinning table was in an adjacent room, being separated by one of those pointed arches Levi had seen outside. Similar to the hallway, the dinning room also had stained glass, one particular piece stood out to Levi as it was the image of Jesus himself painted on red and blue glass, slightly highlighted by the moon’s light, whose outline could be made through the blue glass that composed Jesus’s robe. Truly spectacular. Even though he was just as rich as everyone attending here, he had never seen such a school. His last school was also private, but instead had modern architecture with the sparing of a few buildings such as the chapel or assembly hall.

“Please leave your luggage by the entrance and go take a seat at the table assigned to your house specifically. Those of you who have not been assigned a house yet please go and stand by the teachers’ table as the headmaster and the other staff will join us shortly and place you where they think fits you best. I’m Frieda Reiss and I will be your math teacher this trimester.”

Shortly after, the staff made their way to their table and as everyone was seated and quieted down, Arcturus, the headmaster delivered his annual welcoming speech and turned to the fresh meat waiting patiently and awkwardly into a corner.

“Ah I suppose I am to assign each of you your house, very well then come on here don’t be shy.” The group made their way once more in the middle of the dinning room. All of the eyes were on them, the other students waiting just as nervously as them to see who they would be welcoming in their house next. The headmaster rummaged through his black Tudor coat and pulled out a piece of yellow, coffee stained paper and started reading aloud:

“Emma Williams goes to Lannister.” A blonde petite freshman girl made her way to the table on the far off right of the room and proceeded to sit down at the table with the other students, who were cheering and clapping exasperatingly, excited for their new member.

“Jane Walker to Martell,” again, a freckled redheaded girl made her way to one of the middle tables on the left, also welcomed by the cheering of the other members and quietly sat down with a smile on her face, clearly satisfied with the choice.

“Hmm, Levi Ackermann, an interesting name for someone British. Your assignment has been a hard one as the test refused to reveal anything concrete, but after a long dispute among all members of the faculty, we decided to assign you to Boethiah as an architect!” Arcturus beamed, extending his hands and widening his eyes as he bore Levi with his predatory gaze. The boy smiled then made his way to the table in the far off left end of the dinning room. His eyes searched involuntary for Hange, who was seated at the middle already on her feet and waving him over ecstatically.

“Oh my god Levi! I can’t believe you’re an architect!! I never would have guessed! Come have a sit don’t just stand there.” Levi took a sit beside her as the brunette shuffled to the side to make him space. Everyone was looking at him, throwing glances and misplaced whispers to their colleagues. Levi only smiled in their direction and looked around the table, his eyes stopping on a fiery strawberry blonde girl in front of him that was burning holes in him with her gaze. They stared at each other, none making a step towards the other. Hange was talking about something in the background but he didn’t turn to pay attention, refusing to break eye contact with the girl. Eventually, with a puff the girl relinquished and extended her hand over the table,

“Petra,” she said. Levi took her hand and with a smirk told her his name. And just like that Levi made two friends at the Academy already, chatting animatedly with them over dinner. At some point, someone placed a hand over his shoulder. Somewhat startled, the raven flinched then turn to look for the hand’s owner, a blonde and well built boy with a cold stare was fixing him with his sapphire eyes, a lop sided grin present on his face.

“Erwin Smith, I came here to give you an official greeting to our school,” pulling Levi to his feet, he forcefully shook his hand and with a forced grin continued, “I am the head boy here and I am in charge of the students, if you have any concern or question about anything by all means come to me and I will do my best to support you and grant the answers you seek. Welcome to Sina Academy of Excellence and Inquiry, Levi Ackerman.” And with that Erwin dropped his hand and after placing a hand on his shoulder, walked away retaking his seat at the head of their obscenely long table, disappearing out of his sight as he took a sit back down. A rather interesting start to what he reckoned would be an equally interesting year.

Notes:

I do not own Attack on titan or any of the characters in the show or related to it!!

I really hoped you like it, if you did please stick around as there will be more where that came from!

[themoomoorn]

Jeralt Eisner Stinky

Related to my previous reblog, feel free to parouse as to why I agree that Jeralt is a bad dad, and the fact that the devs’ lack of a continuity checker made him look worse than the director likely intended him to.

Let’s count the ways:

- Went a very melodramatic 180 regarding Rhea when Byleth - who was resuscitated from friggin’ death - wasn’t behaving like a “normal baby.”  Now to be fair, Rhea was too mum for her own good and a baby that’s not very reactive to stimuli is very concerning in real life, but real life ties lose some of their weight due to Byleth’s wonky parentage and the reason for her lack of heartbeat.  Jeralt is also generally perturbed by Byleth not being “normal” for quite a while, which is pretty shitty of him anyway.  

- As a response to the above, it’s implied that he was the one who set the monastery on fire when absconding with Byleth in the night, a fire that was reported to have caused some serious damage and destroyed a lot of books.

- There’s also the fact that he was aware that Sitri herself suffered from a flat affect and struggled to emote more expressively at first, and he himself is pretty emotionally constipated.  It’d be more shocking if Byleth grew up suddenly acting like Alois. 

- He loved Sitri for basically being a cute little innocent nun, likely seeing her as ideal housewife material.  I know I’m using the term “housewife” in a damning fashion, but he loves her for some seriously basic, surface-level reasons.  Plus the whole “getting her to emote and smile more” bit?  Granted, Claude’s relationship with Byleth grows in a somewhat similar fashion, but Claude also easily adheres the least to 3H’s “avatar worship” and he doesn’t just become fond of Byleth due to her smiling and getting cuter because of that.  You can’t say the same of Jeralt and Sitri.

- While one can’t entirely damn someone for raising a child in the mercenary lifestyle due to the setting - We got a Lord and his sister being raised under similar circumstances - The sheer ignorance that Jeralt raised Byleth with is pretty damning if the gameplay/narrative element (Byleth being ignorant for the sake of player projection and exposition) is taken away.  It’s one thing to not necessarily be aware of the ins and outs of the major religion of an entire continent, but Byleth doesn’t even have much basic knowledge of Fodlan’s three countries, or any country outside of it, although most of Fodlan doesn’t either. There is also more damning text, including how Jeralt handled all of their job logistics and didn’t bother to put in any incentive to have Byleth possibly learn to inherit or learn the ins and outs of the company.  The quest where you get Jeralt’s old tactics primer also reveals that he didn’t bother to teach Byleth basic battle tactics either. 

- Where the heck was Byleth when Jeralt was in Sauin Village???  Not even Byleth herself remembers.  And while it’s heartwarming to see that Jeralt still cares for Leonie after reuniting with her (With people who bash Leonie for her fixation on him naturally ignoring this), he seems to put more effort in bonding with her than his own child.  She’s also the one who winds up inheriting his company, although that can also be attributed to Byleth being presumed dead when she does.

- He doesn’t really say much when it comes to Byleth’s “Ashen Demon” title, which is notably one of the very few things that genuinely upsets Byleth prior to her becoming more emotive.  And while it’s hinted that Byleth herself didn’t express interest in interacting with other people casually, Jeralt wasn’t exactly helping matters in that department either, exacerbating their isolation from others.  Heroes has the default Female Byleth note that she can’t tell a friend from an ally due to how she grew up.

- The man’s a raging alcoholic who performed some pretty stupid, deadly shit, including a trick that had a high chance of beheading Alois.  His treatment of Alois is also pretty deplorable, as is the fact that he has a slew of unpaid bar tabs that get shouldered by Alois and then forced onto Leonie.  

- Going back to meta and tying to how a lack of continuity checking affected 3H, Jeralt spent a lot of time fretting over Byleth being even remotely exposed to the church when there’s plenty of folks who, while aware of the faith, do not actively practice at all, pay lip service at best, or even show some disdain like the three Lords do.  Exploring lore also hampers the idea that the church is omnipotent and omnipresent: The Empire’s church branch was flat-out gutted for well over a century with practically no faith-based services available (this is a crux for Dorothea’s hatred of the faith and also cited with Mercedes’ history; she and her mother had to go to the Kingdom to find any kind of religious sanctuary after getting kicked out of House Bartels), the Alliance’s church branch has no political sway specifically because of how said Alliance is governed, and the Kingdom’s church branch has its own problems due to the zealotry, radicalism, differences in opinions of the faith, and eventual manipulation by the Agarthans that led it crossing blades with the Central branch.  

Plus, you know, Rhea never bothered to pursue Jeralt after he ran away.  And Alois’ contingent of knights appearing in Remire that fateful evening was pure happenstance, plus how Jeralt doesn’t even operate his company under a pseudonym or anything practical like that.  So with these in mind, it’s actually pretty reasonable to consider that Byleth can at least be somewhat unaware of the Seiros faith without Jeralt’s input.

- While it’s unrelated to Jeralt being Stinky, I find it irksome that a lot of folks will jump right on Jeralt hating Rhea and the church in wake of the man himself acknowledging that taking Byleth away from the monastery (or at least not giving them a stable place to grow up) was probably a huge mistake upon seeing them flourish as a teacher.  He also gets gutted for ultimately putting two and two together and realizing that the Empire may be involved with the group that’s been terrorizing the monastery during all of the 1180 school year, and tells off the Flame Emperor when they claim they’re not culpable for the Remire Massacre.  It’s hard to tell whether or not the man would side with Edelgard with enough persuasion or propaganda, or how he’d react to Byleth becoming one with Sothis and taking on their position as a major figure within the church for three out of four routes with some degree of fanfare and acceptance (which players naturally ignore to warp into Byleth being a shrieking harpy church-basher, or a church victim that El-chan or Claude has to ~save~ her from, naturally).  But it’s proof that people can’t really read - the guy wasn’t having the FE’s excuses, plain and simple.

- The above also ties to how Leonie is derailed in Crimson Flower, as she’s one of the few who unambiguously knows that the Fork Emperor is working with the same group that had Jeralt killed, in addition to all of the hell they caused therein.  Naturally, her excuse if recruited on Flower is - wait for it - Jeralt was pissy at Rhea for reasons Leonie never finds out about, but since Byleth-chan is siding with El-chan, it’s all well and good now.

- There’s also the profoundly depressing meta that if Byleth were allowed to be their own character, a continuity person was maybe in place, and Jeralt wasn’t a glorified plot device, then he had all the makings to be a great deconstruction of Greil from FE9.  The parallels are all there, but naturally they’re not put to good use, or blithely ignored outside of Supports.  This also ties to just how heavily players project onto Byleth, possibly even more so than Robin or Corrin.  Since they really project onto Byleth as Kusakihara and his goons intended, Jeralt is naturally tied to players’ real life father figures by osmosis, despite the fact that Jeralt himself definitely isn’t a good father figure. 

While having a consistent continuity checker wouldn’t be a fix-all to 3H’s problems (Kusakihara’s dismissive attitude towards having one and consistency in general is pretty damning in itself), it likely would’ve at least tightened the worldbuilding that the devs prided themselves on and offered some more consistency, even if the price is showing unpleasant truths such as Jeralt being stinky.

[utterlyinevitable]

The Conference (Part 4)

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

Pairing: Ethan Ramsey x F!MC (Rebecca Lao) Word Count: 4.2k Rating: T+  Warning: some cursing and alcohol.  Summary: Becca decided to meet up with him and indulge in the past. 

A/N: i spent the last two days trying to do this chapter justice, i hope’s it’s paid off. also i promise ethan is in this one!

taglist: @ohchoices @rookiefromedenbrook @choicesficwriterscreations @aylamwrites​ @ramseysno1rookie​

________________________________________

Forty minutes and some heavy convincing from Nadia later I met Ryan in the lounge and asked if he wanted to grab a drink at my hotel’s bar. It was 9PM and I already had more alcohol than was probably best - who knows what would have happened if we stayed and indulged some more. Going back to my place gave me enough time to sober up enough and control the outcome should I need to. The sky was dark and starless while here on earth the archetypal lights were at their full glory. Tourists leisurely wandering round and locals bustling and cooling off from the busy day, all minding their own business and enjoying the sleepless city at night. 

We walked the four blocks downtown to my hotel, speaking of times past. I felt like I was walking on air, the ground below me wasn’t real and a mix of dramatic glitter and clouded by memories. I was walking down a hazily lit concrete road of a previous life. This surely was an out of body experience. How long had I hoped to see him again? 

“It’s been what - 8 years?” I asked, knowing full well how long it’s been since we last interacted. “The last time I saw you was at my senior prom,” my nose scrunched up at the memory.

“Yeah we spent the night in this city,” he mused motioning to the buildings around us. 

Keeping my gaze ahead I retorted, “You got absolutely bombed on Four Locos and hooked up with my friend.” 

Was it the senior prom movies made it out to be? Definitely not. There was no happy ending. I brought an underclassman, Kat, as my date because her date dropped her at the last minute. She’d already bought her dress and I had an extra ticket. My best friend brought the guy I had a thing with (aka Ryan) for longer than I'd care to admit as her date. It was dramatic and nobody had sex. Except maybe Ryan and Kat? That I’d never know for sure. 

He shook his head and I could hear the half smirk in his voice at the memory, “And you were drinking vodka straight out of a water bottle.”  

That evening we were just six teens riding hotel elevators completely plastered late into the early morning. I don’t know what I was really expecting but it certainly wasn’t that awkward-fest of events. The sooner I forget it ever happened, the better. 

“What’ve you been up to?” I changed the subject. I spent so much time working on forgetting the person I used to be. High school was almost a decade ago. I’ve grown, changed into someone I actually like, maybe he did too. 

“I got a degree in economics and work at a hedge fund downtown. You?” 

Huh. The Ryan I knew wanted to be a policeman...

“I went to med school and am a second year resident at Edenbrook hospital in Boston. Also the youngest fellow on the diagnostics team,��� I recited.  

He turned to look at me, “Wasn’t that your dream job?”

I almost stopped in my tracks. He remembered.  

After all this time he remembered something so minuscule about me? Something that could have been a teenage whim... “It was - is.” 

“Have you seen that- that guy... Doctor…?” Ryan was looking at the dingy gum covered sidewalk as he tried to recall the name. The name that inspired me to pursue medicine. 

“Dr. Ramsey,” I involuntarily smiled. “I’m actually here with him.”  

He raised an eyebrow at me and I can tell he didn’t know what to say. If only he knew half of mine and Ethan’s story. 

“We’re speaking about phange therapy techniques together. It’s a work thing.” 

There was a bit of silence between us as we let my words settle into the crisp, eternally polluted air. 

I broke the silence, “How’s Talia?”  

“She’s okay, I guess. Never made it to med school,” he kicked an imaginary rock as he spoke about his sister. 

“Really?” I was taken aback. Talia Cohen always wanted to be a doctor. She wanted to help people and be financially secure, it was always something we bonded about growing up. We wanted to do what we could to take care of our moms for their rest of their lives. “She wanted to be a neurosurgeon,” I recalled, “I’d never let her anywhere near my brain, but still.”   

“I don’t know what’s up with her; we don’t talk much,” Ryan sighed, the conversation feeling heavy. He tried to laugh it off by saying, “She’s always been a bit mental.” 

The last I heard Talia was a borderline alcoholic - a terrible trait for anyone, let alone a surgeon.  

The memories began rushing back. All the Friday nights spent together at the Cohen house watching movies and playing board games, beach days with the group and helping each other wipe the sand off afterwards, the argument, the ultimate demise of all my high school friendships... Luckily we made it to the hotel bar before it got awkward. 

We found a tall table with those cozy high seats in the vaguely lit bar. 

“What’re you drinking?” Ryan asked as I slid onto the stool, staking our claim.  

“Whiskey. Neat,” I said without a moment's hesitation.  

He rolled his eyes and made his way to the bar as I held our table. 

I took in our surroundings - the checkered marble floor, deep mahogany walls to match the wooden furniture, turquoise velvet curtains pulled to the side, gold accents were everywhere. Where did Edenbrook find this place? 

“Still ever an enigma,” he said with a gleam in his eyes as he set our drinks down on the table. 

“Huh?” 

His signature crooked smirk was back and the boy I used to know shined through. “You are the only girl I have ever met that drinks whiskey. It’s always pinot or chardonnay.” He said it as if it was a fact of life - girls were meant to drink popular wines and nothing else. 

I shrugged and challenged, “Maybe you just hang out with the wrong girls.”  

“There she is.” Was it possible for his smile to get even bigger? 

I shot him a questioning look as I lifted the crystal tumbler to my lips.  

“The old Becca,” he clarified. “The cynic who always challenged me. That deep and confusing brain of yours is still kicking.” 

“I’ve evolved.”  

“I can see that. But it’s good to know you’re still in there somewhere.” His blue eyes were a color I’ve never seen before, translucent even. There was wonderment, familiarity, and a sense of belonging hidden within his irises.   

I rolled my eyes more so at myself for letting him elicit a small hint of blush on my cheeks. “What about you? How much have you changed?” I made a motion to his physical form, “Besides the obvious.” 

“Not much,” he shrugged, taking a long sip of his drink. “I don’t live at home anymore, that’s about it.”

We sat there talking for a while about anything and everything. Time seemed to stand still around us and the time that past us seemed like no time at all. We reminisced about the past and how our disbanded group of friends always seemed to throw us together. How in every spin the bottle or truth or dare we’d be sent to a closet, bedroom or basement together for at least 10 minutes. Oh naive teenage us not knowing that ten minutes was too short a time to get anything going... Nothing ever happened, there was too much at stake. I also didn’t know how to handle feelings back then. My rusty moral compass told me to stay away from my best friend's little brother. Ryan and I spent nearly three years playing a game of cat and mouse; a flirtationship that didn’t amount to much of anything. 

“I do miss the old times and friends from high school now and again,” I told him in liquid confidence. “But I needed to get away. There was too much toxic energy.” 

Earnestly he responded, “I’m sorry about that.”  

“You shouldn’t be, it wasn’t your fault.”  

His eyes began to cloud over showing how I wasn’t the only one affected by the whole childish altercations that governed those final months of friendship. “Yeah, but it was my sisters. She made your life hell those last few months.” 

“The irony isn’t lost on me.” I took a long swig of what’s left of my whiskey tumbler, debating voicing my next words. “Did… Did you even like me?” 

In an instant he spoke as if he had been sitting on these words for years, “I did. Why do you think Talia and Chris were always pushing us together?”

Chris was my other and oldest best friend. He's the first man I ever really loved, unromantically and viciously unconditionally. We stayed friends a few years after the fallout with Talia, our 18 year history carrying us through. Ultimately with one argument he severed our ties because I planned to move across the country for med school and never return to our small town. Losing Chris was the first bout of heartbreak I have ever endured.  

“To be cunts?” I lamented with a heavy sigh. Realization of his words finally set in as I turned my glass in my hands, “Wow… they’d act on your feelings by pushing us together and castrate me for having the same feelings. Typical.” 

Sitting at the edge of his seat and placing both palms insecurely onto the table he spoke, “I spent a good chunk of my teenage years trying to get you to like me.”  

My eyes fixated on the wrinkles of my damp napkin under the glass. “I did like you,” I reassured. “I liked you a lot. I just… didn’t know what to do with my feelings.” 

“And now?” His hand reached out for mine but retreated just as quickly. 

“I have a better grip on reality.” 

“Good,” he smirked. Any previous indication of uncertainty was now long gone. “As long as you don’t let another good one get away.” 

I scoffed at the thought. 

“I spent a long time wondering if you were the one that got away. But I’ve come to accept that things happen for a reason. You were what I needed then and I’ve learned so much to help me become the person I am today.” It took years for me to finally settle on the fact that the universe had other plans for me; that there’s more to life than wanting to love and be loved by Ryan Cohen. “I don’t think we would have lasted, anyway.” 

My heart’s destined for another…  

“No?” he asked incredulously. “I like to think we would have made a pretty cute couple.” Quickly he added, “Do you still have my letterman jacket?”  

“Oh we definitely would have,” I agreed. “And it’s somewhere in my mom's attic probably.” It wasn’t in my mom’s attic. I donated that jacket to Goodwill before I started my new life in California; it took me four years to realize there was no point in holding onto a trinket from a love that never was. “But we wouldn’t have lasted. I used to think about how different life would have been if we kissed any one of those times. There were so many opportunities.” 

“Too bad neither of us knew how to put those feels into action,” he laughed dryly. “We were emotionally inept back then.” 

“100%,” I nodded in agreement with a small chuckle, lifting my glass in recognition. 

The air changed around us - becoming heavy and serious, things that needed to be said weighing down the atmosphere.  

If I want to indulge in the what-ifs now was the time… 

Meeting his eyes I sheepishly asked, “If we kissed would we have started something? Would it even have been a good kiss!?” 

He laughed. “Knowing younger me, if we kissed and it was remotely decent I would have wanted you to be my girlfriend. Heck, I wanted you to be my girlfriend even without the kisses.” 

“Oh simpler times,” I chuckled letting the room temperature liquid calm the small flutter I felt in my chest.  

We paused for a moment both thinking about what could have been. 

What could have been? 

“In an alternate universe I think we could have been something,” I began describing my thoughts out loud. “But in this universe we were both too big for the small town that would have kept us hostage if we were together.” 

“You think?” 

Pausing for a second to finish the last of my whiskey, I began to rationalize, “I don’t think I would have gone so far away for undergrad if we were together. I’d want to stay close and be with you. And I feel once you started applying to colleges we’d break up and I’d resent you.” I looked away from his curious demeanor. “There was no way we would have been happy with each other back then. And that’s okay now. We were a blip in time to help each other grow and that was beautiful.” I took a pause for breath. “You made me feel things; I didn’t know what they were then and now I do. You made me happy, Ry. Regardless of your sister’s meddling.” 

We sat for a small moment in silence, letting my words set in and finding the last sips of our drinks the most interesting of companions. 

Ryan leaned forward, putting his glass down and speaking softly to me across the table. His bubbly blue eyes locked with caramel brown orbs as he gently spoke, “I didn't realize how much I missed this.”  

His words enveloped me, hugging me in a reassurance I didn’t know I needed. 

“Our banter?” I asked, needing confirmation he felt more than the all encompassing feeling too.  

“Yeah. Even if we’re just rehashing the past, you’ve always had a mind I admired,” the sincerity of his tone made my stomach flutter and adrenaline course through my veins.   

“Thank you.” What else am I supposed to say?  

He pointed to my empty tumbler, “Another?”  

“Please.” 

I sat there alone and took out my phone. Briefly turning the camera on to take in my appearance - my brown hair a bit frizzy and more strands than normal were framing my face, my red lipstick had vanished and left a shadow of pink in its wake, my face was flush and my eyes were wide and filled with courage. As best and quickly as I could I put my face back together so as to not look like too much of a mess. Ryan’s seen you at your worst. He watched you go through puberty and still liked you. 

Letting my inner monologue win I stopped primping and scrolled through my messages and emails, grounding me back into reality. I wonder if Ethan finished the presentation outline… 

As if my drunk thoughts had the power to summon him, his voice pulled me out of my mind, “How was dinner?”

Turning to the ghostly voice on my right I saw Ethan standing there with a small, friendly smile tugging at the side of his lips. 

How long has he been standing there?  

“Ethan, hey,” I greeted, shoving my phone back in my bag. “It was good. Lovely to see the girls again, it’s crazy to think how much people can change in four years. Have you finished the outline?” 

He crossed the distance between us, placing his balled up fist on the table. “Yes,” he said with a single satisfied knock to the wood. “We can go over it later if you’d like.”  

“Definitely. I don’t want to look like a fool on my first panel. I'm nervous enough as is,” I smiled back at him. 

I don’t know if it’s the copious amounts of alcohol in my blood or the high I’m on from reconnecting with old friends, but there’s something different about Ethan. Something foreign and… lighter? I searched his form looking for any indication of the change in presentation.  

Sooner than expected Ryan placed the tumbler down with a clink next to me bringing me out of my trance. He asked, “Who’s your friend?” 

Looking between the two men I responded, “Ryan, this is Dr. Ramsey. Ethan, Ryan’s a good friend from high school.” Looking at Ethan I explained, “We ran into each other in the restaurant and decided to grab a nightcap.” 

Like the gentleman he is Ethan held out his hand. “Pleasure.” After their handshake he had a mischievous gleam in his eye when he asked Ryan, “Was she always so stubborn?” 

Seriously!? 

“More so if you’d believe it,” Ryan laughed. “She’s lightened up a bit, definitely much happier now.”  

Ethan shook his head, returning the chuckle at my expense, “No, I wouldn’t believe it.”  

I looked between the two men that held special places in my heart. The sandy blonde, effervescent blue eyed ghost of lovers past on my left, and the brown haired, stormy eyed man standing a few inches above on my right. Both men had the power to make me blush and laugh like no tomorrow. Both men made my heart ache for a million different reasons. My eyes lingered a bit longer on Ethan. He changed from his travel chinos to jeans and a new baby blue button down. The color he looks the most irresistible in. 

“You’re a thousand times worse than I am, Ramsey,” I playfully chided.  

He rolled his eyes and Ryan watched our exchange. Could he tell there was some notable tension between us two colleagues? I could still feel the tension between us - I wish we could have the do-over Ryan and I are finally having. But we’re too complicated for that. Although these two men meeting is something I never could have predicted in even my wildest of nightmares, we all are friendly nonetheless.

“Do you want to join us, Doctor?” Ryan asked.  

Ethan’s eyes moved between the two of us, obviously considering the options and facts laid out before him. “No, I don’t want to intrude. You two must have a lot to catch up on.”

Thank fuck.  

Extending the offer just like earlier in the tavern Ryan added, “If you change your mind we’ll be here.” 

We spoke and laughed, continued to talk about anything and everything. Conversation is still flowing so freely and without any noticeable effort. I forgot just how easy simply being with Ryan was without all the complications. It was bliss.  

Out of the corner of my eye I noticed Ethan went to the farthest edge of the bar, a scotch already in hand. He was looking down at the glass and folding a cocktail napkin a few times over. I thought about the similarities between Ryan and Ethan, the stinging feeling of history repeating itself taking homage in my muscles. This time I’m adamant not to have any regrets. I took the opportunities to show Ethan how much I care for him and wanted more, alas it was him who couldn’t understand his feelings. I’m exiting this chapter with my head held high. Then why did I still feel so low? 

It took so many years to get over the one that never was, how long do I have to suffer with the pain of the one that got away?

***

Ryan took the trek up with me to our 26th floor apartment door. A silent understanding between us of knowing it meant nothing other than not wanting the night to ever end. We both knew he would not be staying the night. Our time had passed. No point in knotting the timeline further. But that didn't stop us from wanting closure. To finally put all the what-ifs and could-have-beens to bed once and for all. 

I stood with my keycard in my hand, back mere centimetres from the door and looking up at Ryan not sure what else to say or how to properly say a long awaited proper goodbye. Unsure of who leaned first we kissed. 

Finally. 

A long awaited decade-in-the-making kiss. A tender and peaceful kiss. Two experienced tongues coming together to find solace in the unknown. There were no fireworks, no passion. Just a comfort of knowing we made the right decision; we didn’t need to regret anymore. The lust wasn’t there no matter how attracted we still were to one another. Our bodies have moved on. Ryan traced my curves like he’d done so many years ago when he’d hold me close on the couch. My hands ran down his chest noting just how much it’s changed - toned muscle replaced the post pubescent chub. I didn’t need him and I didn’t want him. But tonight for some reason or another I’m glad he’s here. 

Once we parted Ryan breathlessly asked, “More than satisfactory?”  

I gave him a true, unencumbered smile, “I’ll give it an 8 out of 10.” 

He kissed me again. A light and feathered goodbye.  

We stared at each other for more moments than necessary, taking in each other's everlasting silhouette. 

“Bye, Ryan,” I said softly, as if it were the ending of a prayer.   

As he began retreating backwards to the elevators he asked, “Let’s not wait another decade to meet up, alright?”  

“No promises,” I called back.  

Once in the comfort of the empty apartment, I dropped my purse by the door still dizzy from the kiss. I rested my back against the nearest dining chair to keep me steady and touched my tingly and swollen lips. How long had I been waiting for that kiss? Much longer than I’d like to admit, that’s for sure. It finally happened and I… 

I felt nothing. 

As if on cue to my overwhelming realization, Ethan walked in not a moment later.  

“Hey,” I breathed out, biting my lip.  

He nodded in acknowledgement of my greeting as he swiftly walked past me, “Rookie.” 

“Do you want -”  

And just like that he was in his room with the door slammed shut. 

What’s gotten into him? 

I knew I should leave him alone, he doesn’t owe me any explanation or attention, and maybe it was the alcohol talking but I just couldn’t let it go. 

The night was still young and we have work to do, I rationalized.  

I knocked on his door, “Ethan?” 

No answer. 

“Ethan? Are you okay?” 

Nothing. 

Annoyed I deadpanned, “If you don’t open the door in 5 seconds I’m coming in.”

And just like that he opened the door a crack, exposing me to the sight of Ethan Ramsey’s bare chest and sweatpants hanging low on his hips. 

Ethan doesn’t sleep in sweatpants, I recalled. 

“Can I help you?” he asked venomously.  

I closed my slack jaw back up and deadly replied, “Are you okay? Did something happen?”  

“It’s late. You should go to bed.”

He wasn’t looking at me. He was looking around me. I could see his eyes dart to the top of my head, the generic painting hanging on the wall to my right or the table in the distance. They were erratic and full of… torment? 

“It’s midnight,” I retorted. “And don’t we have to rehearse?” I’m not sure how much of the presentation I’d remember but I know I didn’t want to lose this high - I didn’t want to go to bed with Ethan angry, nor did I want to fall asleep without spending an ounce of normalcy with him today.  

“We’ll rehearse in the morning.” He used that authoritative hospital voice that took me aback.  

“Oh, okay…”  

“Is that all?” he huffed.  

I looked at my feet feeling unbelievably stupid. “Um… yeah.”  

He began to close the door, “Goodnight, Dr. Lao.” 

“Night,” I mumbled back. 

I shuffled to my room next door not fully understanding his outburst and what I could have done to upset him so badly in the short space of time. Things seemed almost normal in the bar, right? 

Sitting on my bed bundled up in the thick navy duvet I thought about the last few months. Rafael, Bryce, random bar-goer, Ethan, Ryan… God I’m a ho. In under a year I’ve been entangled with the heart strings of five men. So much for being at the helm of my emotions... 

Wait. 

No. 

I’m not a ho. I’m not in a relationship. I’m not sleeping with just anybody. I’m not bad. And if I was it’s ok. We’re all consenting adults, I can make my own choices. 

The one choice I wanted more than anything was to not push Ethan away the way he has done to me. I wish I was strong enough to make the choice to push past his door and cuddle up to the warmth I’ve been starved from. If seeing my long lost Ryan Cohen taught me anything tonight, it’s that I cannot have any regrets. Alas I nailed the final spike one in me and Ethan’s coffin not too long ago. Because I gave up no so long ago there was nothing else to save between us. Right?

I went to sleep thinking back to that night I turned the table around and, for the first and final time, pushed Ethan Ramsey away. 

______________ A/N: let me know what you think and if you want to be tagged/removed 😊

[halinski]

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: 9-1-1 (TV) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV) Characters: Evan "Buck" Buckley, Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Karen Wilson, Nia Wilson Additional Tags: Asexuality, Asexuality Spectrum, Demisexuality, Sexuality, Established Relationship, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Worried Eddie Diaz, Soft Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Soft Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Sexuality Crisis, Implied/Referenced Sex, Sex Repulsion, sex repulsed buck, Internalized Acephobia, coming to terms with asexuality, Coming Out Summary:

Sex was always just a thing Buck did. It was a part of life. But once he gets together with Eddie, he's asked what he really wants, and if he even likes sex in itself apart from the intimacy and pleasing his partner.

Buck dives into Asexuality

---

big thanks to @aloha-wolves who made this possible with the support!!

----

11 year old Buck wasn't stupid. He may have been impatient and distracted and unfocused but he wasn't a complete moron. He knew how to follow social cues. 

See, when you were Different™ from the start studying human behavior and social cues was a survival strategy. He'd figured it out by then. Fairytales read by Maddie from the earliest age, and all the countless books after clearly stated some of the rules. Romance was a must. It a bond between a woman and a man that every human strived for, and when Buck saw the kids in his class at school start to focus heavily on the subject of sexuality, he knew he had to step up.his game.

Personally he wasn't intrigued by all. Not by girls or the thoughts of kisses or naked bodies. The word sex just left a bitter taste in his mouth. Like licorice. But any additional personality trait that wasn't 'normal' was a risk. Buck didn't want to be forgotten, kicked to the curb and judged. He already knew he wasn't like everyone else. He had to make sure he fit in.

Luckily, he had an older sister. So he asked Maddie, what the heck he was supposed to do about girls. She had laughed, teased him a little, but eventually saw his frustration and sat him down.

"Be bold." That's what she had said, and Buck was nothing if not adventurous and daring, seeking the thrill- anything that kept his mind from wandering and running itself into a rut. Buck knew how to open his mouth when he needed to.

Half a year later; he had his first kiss. It was uncomfortable, as most social interactions were. One could never really know what was going on inside another person's head. But Buck was determined and learned studiously (when it wasn't for school), and if he had to trade some of his time spent alone with his books or exploring the forest to be normal, so be it.

He never quite understood the desires behind it all, but he knew the steps to the dance, and he played his cards well. Maybe he was a late bloomer, but he wouldn't let anyone notice if that proved to be true. 

As the years went on... Buck just figured, maybe the feelings were too subtle for him to pinpoint. Maybe he hadn't met the right person. After all, he was a free spirit. No one quite understood him. But none of that mattered.

He knew how to tell what objectively 'hot' and 'sexy' was. He learned how to read the looks women threw him well. Then he'd discovered a whole other spectrum to sexuality and the first time he kissed a boy, his heart had fluttered in a way like never before. It hadn't turned out to be the breakthrough he'd hoped for, but Buck knew how to please. He'd studied the ways of body and mind and he knew how to make others feel good.

Buck was young. The rest would come. He was supposed to be finding himself and sleeping around, exploring and putting his looks to good use. Maybe he'd find what sex and love meant along the way.

It was just life.

(Nevermind that he always had the urge to flee after getting into a girl's pants, or that he'd used weed as an escape so much that he'd have to be high to do it for a few years. 

Nevermind that he'd have to steel himself and liked to retreat to some foggy place in his mind, where nothing mattered, nothing but physical sensations, which weren't that bad.

Nevermind that he found himself needing more and more, needing the high of peaking pleasure between him and someone else, just to mask the terrible gut feeling that built up after.

Nevermind that he started losing himself in it, losing sight of any personal goals, especially when he'd had to give up weed because of his new job.

He found some peace eventually. Between the thrill of risking his life to save others, finding family in the crew, and deciding to stay far from other people's beds.)

-

29 year old Buck was quite mature, if he could say so himself. He had finally, finally, fallen head over heels in love. So much so, that he had been afraid to act on it. He hadn't been that afraid of just a kiss since… ever. Not even his first kiss had caused him so many heart attacks and sleepless nights.

Suddenly, he was made to question everything he thought he had learned. That's how he knew it was real. He had fallen in love.

With Eddie Diaz.

He’d endured over 6 months of what he had perceived as unrequited love with his best friend - he hadn't even had a best friend for over a decade - only to find out that Eddie had actually been so painfully obvious with his own crush on Buck that the whole station knew before Buck did. See, Eddie didn’t make the ridiculous bedroom eyes while dressed in tight clothes in dim nightclub lighting. Nor did he ever invite Buck for coffee as a date. That was simply because Eddie didn’t do nightclubs and well, Buck and him had coffee and beer and dinner and lunch and breakfast and everything in between all the time together already as friends. They talked on the phone and covered each other’s meals and even bought each other groceries sometimes. (Although that last one was usually Buck on his way to Eddie's house.)

But he realized eventually that all those things he had done with Abby while dating her. The phone calls and the spending time together and doing stuff for each other. Just without the ridiculous sweet talk and the kissing and the sex. 

It was funny in retrospect.

(After Eddie had grabbed Buck’s face when he had been mumbling about all the bullshit reasons he hadn’t voiced his feelings; after he had said, “I can’t believe you’re making me make the first move"; after he had kissed Buck senseless; after they had talked about what it meant.)

Now Buck got to do everything he did before, and he got to kiss Eddie whenever he felt like it, even sneaky kisses when no one was looking at the station, and he got to hold his hand and touch, and he got to call Eddie ‘my sunshine’.

(The face Eddie made when Buck said that was priceless.)

He also got to rile Eddie up, whisper those things that made him blush cherry red, tease him with vivid images of things he’d done in South America where he’d explored the world and himself with abandon and lots of glitter. He got to make Eddie moan and shudder beneath his hands, got to watch him fall apart. He liked that.

What he didn’t like was the look Eddie sometimes gave him before Buck distracted him with his mouth. (Eddie always loved that last part.)

They were making out on the couch one late night long after a joint dinner and a movie with Chris and it was nice. It was always a good time with Eddie. Make outs most often lead to sex though and Buck didn’t hesitate to take the lead, slipping a hand beneath Eddie’s shirt to meet his abs.

Only for Eddie to grab his wrist.

Buck looked up quizzically.

"What's up?” He asked, pulling his hand back and lifting himself higher from above his boyfriend. “Not in the mood?”

Eddie blinked at him and shook his head a little. 

“No, that’s not it…. I promise,” he reassured as Buck narrowed his eyes. "We can definitely postpone that for later but first we have to-"

"Don't say talk," Buck pleaded. To no avail.

"Yes, talk."

"What is there to talk about? Everything is going great."

"Usually, I have to beg for you to shut up for once," Eddie said with a huff.

Buck easily took the bait, grinning. He leaned closer. "I love hearing you beg."

Eddie's eyebrows did a little dance and Buck knew he'd gotten his attention but unfortunately that didn't deter his boyfriend from his ultimate goal, face settling into determination again.

"But what if I were to make you beg?" Eddie asked simply.

Buck frowned.

"See, that! That's what we have to talk about."

Buck withdrew completely this time, not really sure why his anxiety was suddenly ramping up but feeling like he'd been caught cheating on a test.

"What, just because I…" He found himself unsure of what to say. He felt the couch shift as Eddie rearranged himself but Buck stubbornly stared at the carpet.

"Buck," Eddie's voice was soft and yet firm, and somehow that made it worse. He swallowed heavily.

"Do you even like this? Being physically intimate with me, I mean. The sex...and all that?" Eddie asked.

Buck scoffed, shoulders squaring up.

"Of course I do. You know I love you." It was a truth that rang bitter after the launched accusation. His fists curled and uncurled on his thighs, unable to contain his agitation.

"Yes, I know. I know," Eddie quickly said, reaching over to take those hands and smooth them out. "Hey, look at me… I know that and I love you, too. Okay?"

Buck eventually met his insistent stare and found himself breathing lighter again, when he observed his sincerity. He breathed out.

"Okay," Buck breathed and leaned in slightly in search of physical reassurance. Which Eddie gave, as always. There to ground him. He pressed a chaste kiss to his lips and ghosted a thumb over his chin when he pulled back.

"But," Eddie started up again, holding firm to Buck's hands when he tried to pull away again. "We have to talk."

Closing his eyes, Buck heaved a sigh.

"How about you just listen to me, for a sec, hm? We can start there. I'll tell you what I think is the problem and why it's important to me, my experiences and all I ask is for you to think about it. Can we do that?"

It didn't sound like a fun time. Buck knew the rules, he knew the procedures, he didn't mind those. But he didn't want to think about the feelings he was supposed to have, or about the feelings he was trying not to have. He had hoped he had done right. But obviously he hadn't. He'd messed up somewhere. 

Buck swallowed hard. 

What was he supposed to do though? Make a scene? That would reveal his weakness further. This was Eddie. It would kill him to mess this up.

"Buck," Eddie whispered and Buck steeled himself, padding his disposition with dry amusement. Of course he couldn't hide from Eddie. This man could see through him like glass and yet he did it in a way that didn't make him shatter. He was safe.

Buck nodded quickly, before his vulnerability could render him to tears before this conversation even started. Breathing in deep through his nose, he cleared his throat.

"I'll listen," he said as loud as he dared, but kept his skittering gaze away from Eddie's eyes, afraid he'd falter.

"Thank you." Eddie lifted his hands to his mouth to kiss his knuckles. There was something so tender about the way Eddie held and handled him that almost made Buck believe that he deserved it. Sometimes that warmth in his chest felt way too grand to wrap his head around but one thing was for sure: Buck was always ready to give every fiber of his being for Eddie and Chris. He was here to grow and learn and reach his best potential.

Buck leaned back against the couch and settled in, trying to relax his body as far as he could. Eddie had definitely become far more open and vulnerable with his emotions than he always claimed he’d been raised to be. And Buck definitely knew how to appreciate that. Now, it was his turn to try- or at the very least, hear Eddie out.

“You know well enough by now, that Shannon was my only relationship, ever. That it started as a clumsy teenage attempt at dating and we just clung to each other for safety. It was all a little awkward but whose first relationship isn’t? Then again, even back then I kept feeling like I was a little different from other guys, other people. When it came to love and relationships and all that. I could never understand flings and spontaneous hookups, one night stands… I would get whiplash hearing about other people’s experiences.” Eddie spoke with a calm voice. It came across resolved, as if he had found peace with his past. 

Buck on the other hand, felt like his insides were twisting themselves into a million knots as he was reminded of his similar teenage years and the conflict and frustration they had caused. There was though, also a stubborn streak of hope that shot through him like an arrow, causing Buck to glance up to Eddie from his hanging posture. The yearning for the answer to these problems was strong. Maybe Eddie could teach him about that link he was missing.

“It didn’t seem to matter that much back then. My parents were, as with everything else, traditional and conservative about relationships and sex. We didn’t talk about those things. They didn’t even show much affection to each other in front of anyone. And then, I had Shannon and things worked with her. Expectations were met and I enjoyed being with her. After highschool though… things started getting more complicated.”

Eddie’s thoughtful gaze rises to meet Buck’s eyes. Eyes that were a whirlwind of feelings Buck had never dared to fully entertain. His heart was beating so high up his throat every breath felt a little weary but Buck nodded silently for Eddie to continue.

“With the distance during college and my tours, we just grew apart. That only led to more fights and less of a bond, and I started to realize that the further away I felt emotionally, the harder it was for me to engage in intimacy. I watched the other guys react differently to their partners, or talk about attraction to strangers, and it was all just not making sense. I didn’t have the capacity at that point in time to figure things out, so I just chalked it up to the outer circumstances; trust issues from my childhood and the rigid parenting, and the… experiences while I was deployed.”

Eddie sighed, looking down at his lap for a moment before he lifted his chin again with new energy. 

“It was only in the years when Shannon had left that I eventually put two and two together. At first I was convinced I just wasn’t looking for anything because all I wanted was to be there for Chris but I mean, I was still kind of lonely. I hate that word but it is what it is,” Eddie said with a rueful smile, shrugging one shoulder. “I eventually started going online, contemplating online dating or whatever, but I somehow ended up reading up on other people’s experiences on forums and after multiple hours of rabbit holes, I came across these descriptions and solid definitions of exactly the kind of thing I felt.”

“It turns out,” Eddie emphasized, taking Buck’s hand in his again at this, “that not everyone is as obsessed with sex as society might like to make you think. There are different kinds of attraction and people experience varying levels of them. It’s all as normal as the rest, if one is more or less romantically or sexually attracted to others. I, personally, am demisexual, which means I don’t experience sexual attraction to others until I have an emotional bond with them- like with you.”

At this point, Buck was feeling ready to shatter. Every next breath threatened to break the fragile thread holding him together. There were already two tears or so that have escaped him, and Buck wasn’t usually ashamed to cry but the panic in him was too great, almost as high as the flooding relief. He didn’t know what he was supposed to believe or trust in.

Eddie squeezed his hand.

“Is this- does it make any sense? I’ve never really talked to anyone about this before, but I just wanted you to know that it’s okay. I mean, maybe I’m wrong and it’s not this at all, but I hate-” Eddie took a deep breath, “I really hate the thought of you forcing yourself to do things you don’t want to. For me. Not that I want to assume anything, because everyone implies that you would have a lot of hookups before and all that, so maybe you actually do enjoy it, and maybe we have to figure out how to make it right between us but… I do feel like there’s an imbalance, like I get more out of this. And like you sometimes kind of shut down after we do something, almost as if it… hurts you.”

Buck definitely couldn’t bring himself to look at Eddie anymore at this point, the guilt tying him heavily down to the couch. He didn’t even feel able to really respond to the light grip on his hand. It was rare to hear Eddie ramble like that, and Buck hated being the one to make him feel that way, like Eddie was doing something wrong. Like Eddie was the problem. When it was just Buck himself all along. Unable to do sex right, unable to hide the bad feelings from Eddie, unable to be open with him and forcing Eddie through this situation.

“Buck I-”

He could feel Eddie’s gaze on him, sense his sadness acutely. Buck wiped his sleeve over his face in an attempt to dry the waterfall, but his sniffles thundered in his ears regardless.

“You don’t need to say anything or do anything right now. I just want for you to be able to be more comfortable with all this one day. So, just- keep this in mind. I love you. With all my heart and soul. That’s a fact regardless of sex. We don’t need sex to lead our best lives together. I don’t want this to keep hurting you.”

A silence settled over them like weighted slime. Or maybe it was just Buck. He didn’t know how to react. It felt like it had been an hour since Buck had last said anything and he didn’t want to be a passive spectator in such an important discussion about them. After all, didn’t most people say sex was necessary for a successful, happy relationship? What if they gave it up and Eddie was wrong and they fell apart? It would be all Buck’s fault. He would never want to risk that.

“I don’t-” Buck started, but paused when he realized he had no idea what he even wanted to tell Eddie. Apparently a part of him was really considering what it would be like to give up sex. It wasn’t like he knew much about a life without it. Sure, there had been that time with Abby, where they dated without sex, and the close friendship with Eddie before they had taken the extra step toward a relationship… But sex was always the step that drew full circle.

“There are resources out there. You can read up on it and give yourself time to figure it out. But we’ll find a way together, alright? Trust me. We’ll figure this out,” Eddie assured, and proceeded to draw Buck into a hug.

Buck went along willingly, sinking against Eddie’s shoulder, hiding in his chest. He was exhausted. Just letting things rest for a while sounded good. Eddie’s hand brushed his cheek dry and then there was a soft press of lips on his temple.

"It'll be okay. I promise."

-

Buck spent the next few days keeping his distance. He needed to wrap his head around this first before he could focus on giving Christopher his all and Eddie- well, he was a little unsure about how he was supposed to act around him when the two of them were on their own. Not knowing if he might be rejected again when he started another physical advance, he was cautious about engaging anything at all.

He also spent his time alone by letting his thoughts spiral, because he couldn't get a grasp on them, and feeling horrible. Consciously thinking about sexual topics just did that, and focusing on it for days… it made him pretty miserable. He wished he could hide from himself in Eddie's arms. That usually worked. But Eddie had asked this of him and Buck couldn't just ignore that. He had to try.

Or run away again. Maybe Seattle this time. That would be different enough to distract him from missing Eddie and Christopher, and his team, Maddie…

The thought alone made him nauseous. Running away was bad. He'd done it a few times and gained from it, but he was in a much better place now. He didn't want to run away for once.

He had to confront it head on, which meant going to the person who knew best: Karen. Approaching anyone at the station was too nerve-racking after all, with all they always said about his early days at the station. So he ended up keeping it a secret, arranging a date and time with Karen while Hen was at work and he was off.

Buck had no idea how much Karen knew about his sexual exploits but he assumed Hen had shared her view of things with her. So that didn't take much of his anxiety away, but he definitely didn't want to talk to a stranger so here he was, sitting next to Karen in their living room, drinking tea. Nia was playing on the rug to their side and Buck was itching to join her instead.

"I would say speak when you're ready but you've been sitting there silently for 5 minutes already. It's the longest I've seen you quiet and it's starting to worry me," Karen said and Buck knew she was teasing. The light pressure to speak up did its job, though, giving him the freedom to spill his thoughts.

He sighed, staring into the mug between his hands.

"Eddie and I," he started. "Eddie said something recently… and I'm not sure what to think about it. A part of me… thinks he's probably right but then it's also… it also just feels impossible."

Karen's forehead creased as she gazed at him. "Are you two okay?"

Buck was quick to open his mouth to defend but then reconsidered. He shook his head.

"I mean… I hope so? I thought we were but…"

"But?"

"Eddie told me he's demisexual," Buck said, peering up at Hen. His own potential label still refused to come out.

Karen hummed.

"And you're not sure how to feel about that?" She guessed.

"No, I didn't have any problem with it. I'm glad he could tell me because I had no idea. Like, I know he was reserved about his dating and especially sex life but now I can understand why. It's more that…"

Buck lifted a hand helplessly as the words left him again. This time Karen waited patiently, gaze soft and open as he knew it to be. It was insistent though, urging him to voice what he came here for.

"He brought all that up because he thinks… he thinks I might be ace." Buck's hands tightened around his mug, though not even the warmth was much of a comfort. He felt overexposed and small, as if his body was too big for him and he didn't have all the controls.

"That hit a nerve, did it?" Karen asked softly. All Buck could manage was a tense nod. 

"You know you don't have to figure it all out at once, right?" Karen's hand settled over Buck's right one and he looked up to find her soothing smile.

"You've done this before, just in a different way. It takes time to find out every little piece of yourself. Figuring out if you're on the asexual spectrum and what it means for you and your relationship will take a while. It's something you have to work on, make yourself comfortable with before you know for sure. Maybe you'll never want to use a distinct label. That's okay, too."

Once she started addressing it specifically, Buck found he couldn't look away, eagerly drinking up everything she had to say like a desert desperate for rainfall.

"You have to allow yourself to fill this space, too. Give yourself room to breathe and be who you are. There are so many ways to be asexual and all of them are just as valid as being allosexual," she continued.

Buck breathed. "That actually is really good to hear," he said quietly, voice trembling.

"You'll be okay. You're finding to yourself. This is good," she assured him, settling back. "And you're with someone who understands, who sees you for who you are. You have support all around you."

"And Eddie and I- we can still work, right? I mean I know I read about relationships that… That- but I just…"

"Of course. Your relationship can be whatever you want it to be. You two decide that. There are no official requirements you have to meet. You make the rules," Karen interrupted.

"Okay." Buck nodded, finally relaxing enough to settle back in his chair. "I think… I needed to hear that."

"Anytime, Buck," Karen replied and he knew she meant it. His attention was already starting to wander though as relief lifted the weight off his shoulders, towards the adorable little toddler to his right.

"Now for some fun times!" He declared as he sunk down to join the girl in her game of building blocks. "Hey, Nia. Can I play too?"

Nia let out bubbling approval as she held up a yellow block at Buck. He grinned and accepted the gift.

"Aw, thanks! I love yellow!"

Nia clapped and then pointed at her construction, clearly instructing Buck on where to put his block. He obliged and she nodded eagerly, clapping for him.

"Yes! Beautiful. I can already see it. This will be the new Eiffel tower. Bigger, better," Buck marveled, letting the giddy happiness of being in such young life's presence take over him. Nia responded in turn with her own sunshine smile, holding up the next block. A purple.

"Hey, while you're at it, do you mind if you watch her for a few minutes while I go have a nice warm bath?" Karen asked, ready to seize the opportunity.

Buck turned to her with a laugh. "It would be my pleasure. I owe you one after all."

He was quick to turn back to Nia, and only peripherally noticed Karen leaving the room. 

--

That night was as good a night as any, Buck figured. If it would take him a longer time to figure it out, he might as well settle into the discomfort and make a place there. He would embrace it. It was a part of him. There was no need to make things more difficult and terrifying than they needed to be.

After a thorough workout and shower, he drove home - Eddie's house, his home - and let himself in. That was how sturdy they already were. They made living together work as if they had been doing it forever. It just felt right. That confidence was what Buck needed to take to deal with this new path.

He found Eddie in the living room, folding laundry and instead of just returning the greeting thrown at him, he immediately went in for a hug, wrapping his arms around Eddie from behind.

"Thank you," he breathed against the back of his neck, a kiss and confession all at once. 

Eddie's hands settled over his and he first only turned his head toward him.

"What's this for?" He asked, just as quietly; mellow, safe, home, love.

Buck buried his face in his nape. He didn't know how he could even put it into words. He had spent the last few hours trying to figure it out.

"For giving me the opportunity to be fully me… with the parts of me that I had forgotten- hadn't even realized they were there," he then settled on, tongue feeling especially clumsy and heart beating in his throat. He hoped his tone could convey his meaning instead. He wasn't sure how else to explain if Eddie didn't get it.

Luckily, this was Eddie they were talking about.

The man turned around in Buck's arms, forcing them to loosen for a second. Buck's eyes remained closed, even as Eddie cradled his cheeks in his palms and pressed a kiss to his forehead.

"I see you, Evan Buckley," he told him. Buck had to swallow hard before he dared open his eyes but he knew he had too, because his heart was too full to contain all emotion. "And I love all of you."

And Buck soared.

[letsbenditlikebennett]

Cheeseburger in Paradise || Ariana & Ricky

TIMING: A couple weeks ago PARTIES: @ricky-corderbro & @letsbenditlikebennett SUMMARY: Ariana responds to Ricky’s online invite for dinner company, but only if its cheeseburgers. Chatting and bonding ensues. 

As far as Ariana was concerned, anyone that was good in Winston’s book had to be good people. She’d talked to Ricky briefly in the past and had brought some venison by when he’d been in the hospital, but she was looking forward to actually hanging out with him. It’d only been a few days since they’d left their house behind and Ariana was already desperately missing her full closet. After talking about aesthetics, she kind of wanted to wear her favorite crop top which was still at their now abandoned house. Second favorite crop top would have to do the trick. This one had sunflowers which were her favorite because she could see them true to color and she loved that one Post Malone song. She happened to be humming that very song as she walked into Dell’s. She was quick to spot Ricky standing near one of the benches in place by the front door. “Hey,” she said with a smile, “Glad we’re actually getting to hang out. How are you feeling?” 

Ricky was sure he was going to start going insane if he stayed inside his house any longer. He’d done all he could about converting his studio to a bedroom for Rio, and after having reorganized his cookbooks and spice rack for the third time he was sure the walls were starting to talk to him. Which is why he’d been glad when Ariana had taken him up on his plea for some dinner company. Though she was a bit younger than he was, all the interactions he’d had with her so far (including trying her amazing cooking) had convinced him she was anything but a vapid daft teenager. He stood from the bench he’d been perched on, tapping out a text to Winston and Rio about grocery requests, and offered his fist for a pound, “Same shit different day. Everything hurts and I”m dying. But… I will say… everything hurts a little less every day. Thanks for taking pity on a broken old man and having dinner with me. Which is on me… by the way… as a thank you for the venison.” He held the door open and gestured inside, holding up two fingers to the hostess as she gathered up some menus for them, “How are you enjoying having the sun back?”

Ariana welcomed the fist bump with a smile and returned the gesture. Maybe going out to dinner with a friend wasn’t exactly laying low, but if she just spent her time holed up in Ulf’s house she’d probably lose her mind. She was sure Ricky felt the same with having to take it easy to recover from his injuries. She could hardly imagine having to play soccer or run for that long. Dinner was likely a welcome distraction to both of them. She laughed when Ricky called himself an old man. “Old man, right. I think you got a few more years before you can call yourself that. Glad it’s starting to hurt less though. You’ll be fully out and about again before you know it… and thanks. Wasn’t expecting that, but it’s appreciated.” She smiled as she walked through the open door and the hostess brought them over to their table. The fact it was a booth somewhat in the back was comforting. That had to be a little more low profile than up and center right? She focused back on the question at hand. Her head tilted slightly as she nodded and said, “Oh yeah, I’m actually able to sleep at night and don’t think I need a nap at like 10 in the morning anymore. You happy to have it back, too?” While the prospect of a 24-hour full moon had sounded nice, logistically it was probably better to be in wolf form less time. She looked over the different burger options on the menu, pretty sure she was going to go with the classic hangover option. She turned her attention back to Ricky and asked, “So, how did you and Winston meet? Did you guys know each other before you were roommates?” 

Following the waitress to the booth that she directed them to Ricky gingerly lowered himself into the seat, grabbing the laminated menu and fiddling with it, “I feel like I can hear my ribs grinding when I laugh or cough too much, I definitely feel like an old man now.” He placed his drink order and set the menu down, taking turns between glancing at it and focusing on what Ariana was saying. “Incredibly. It’s like you said, my whole rhythm and schedule was just…. Off balance. Like when you load the washer wrong and it spins off balance. That’s what it felt like. I’m happy to have the sun around to at least reinforce my schedule. You don’t realize how much you depend on that schedule for a feeling of normalcy until you aren’t able to follow it anymore.” When the waitress came around again he ordered his normal go to; mushroom and swiss burger, extra bacon, no bun, fries with a side of hot sauce, before passing off the menu to her and looking back at his new friend, “Winston?” He laughed a little, regathering curls that had started to escape the confines of his topknot and redoing them, “No. We didn’t. We actually met at a party like… a week and a half before they moved in. I went outside for a smoke and a bit of quiet on the porch and there was this dude there and we just started talking. Hit it off pretty immediately and then they mentioned that they were looking for a place and like hey, I’ve got a decent sized house so I had them over for a tour and we figured out pretty quick that we’d work real well as roommates. That was like five months ago and I’ve never looked back. Like, having Winston in the house has upped my level of general wellbeing and happiness like 300%. I fucking love them. What about you? How did you guys meet?” 

It sucked to see that Ricky was still in pain from his injuries. Ariana did her best to offer a sympathetic smile. Hopefully, he’d heal up pretty quickly and could be back to life as normal. “If it helps, you don’t look like an old man,” she said with a laugh. When the waitress came back by, Ariana asked for an iced tea and turned her attention back to Ricky. The never-ending night thing had been confusing. She’d never had any concept of what time it was and then it had to end right before the full moon. “It’s crazy how much a lack of sunshine can change your whole rhythm up. I kept going for runs in the middle of the night because I’d feel weirdly energetic at like midnight. My sister was not a fan of that.” The hangover burger had won out and she ordered it medium rare with fries. Though she’d never had a hangover, she fully supported sunny side eggs and bacon being added to a cheeseburger. She let her elbows rest down on the table and relaxed as Ricky told her about how he met Winston. That was super cool that they hit it off right away like that and living together was going well. From what she was able to gather based on their few conversations, Ricky seemed to balance out Winston nicely. It’s no wonder they worked so well together as roommates. “That’s awesome,” she said with a wide grin on her face, “To meet and just click like that. I know you’re super important to them and it seems like the timing on that was perfect. It’s like you two were meant to be best friends. Which sounds cheesy as hell, but whatever.” She grabbed a sip of her iced tea before answering his question, “Winston originally offered to help me with math, but I’d already found a tutor. I was still new to town though so I was like hey, I could still use friends if you wanna hit up that farmer’s market with me. So we went to the farmer’s market and accidentally bought vampire watermelons. Turns out having to smash carnivorous fruit really brings people together. They even dyed my hair for me when I was having a little bit of a meltdown.” She gave her freshly blonde hair a flip and added, “I think they did a pretty good job, but I’m colorblind, so if it looks awful, just lie to me.” 

“I’m an old man on the inside, which is where it matters I think. On the inside it’s just me shaking a cane at children and telling them to stay off my lawn. One advantage to living where I do, I guess. No kids are fucking up my landscaping.” Nodding energetically Ricky chewed on the end of his straw, “I totally feel that. Everything was so out of whack. I’d be like, wide awake and ready to do things at 3 in the morning and then in the middle of the afternoon my body would be begging for bed. It made running errands an absolute shitshow but somehow we all powered through it. By the seat of our pants sure, but we ultimately did.” He couldn’t help but smile when Ariana detailed exactly how she’d gotten entangled in Winston’s life, seemingly as randomly and serendipitously as he had. “I think it’s just something about them. They make it so easy to become friends with them that you feel like you’ve been friends for ages. I never thought I’d invite someone to live with me after only meeting them at a party but I was just so fucking convinced that we’d get along perfectly; and five months later I have absolutely zero regrets about it all.” His eyebrow did raise at the mention of vampiric fruit, “Why am I both surprised and not surprised that there are vampire watermelons. What a fucking disaster of a fruit waiting to happen. I’m glad you both survived though, I would have been so sad if my best friend got turned into a blood sucking fruit.” As their food arrived Ricky chewed thoughtfully on a french fry, “Well it looks fine to me, but I’m also color blind so it could look like a fucking mess and I’d never know.” He briefly wondered if this was indicative of Ariana being something inhuman, but quickly reminded himself that perfectly normal humans were colorblind without it meaning anything. “So you’re a senior, right? Any big plans since high school is coming abruptly to an end?” 

The image of Ricky shaking his cane and yelling at children to get out of his yard was pretty amusing. As much made Ariana laugh as he spoke. Somehow, it was hard to imagine him being too grumpy, but she’d only just met him. “Glad to hear the landscape is safe,” she said grinning widely, “Thankfully we made it and things are back to normal… Well, I guess as normal as it gets here anyway. No one can say it’s boring here, that’s for damn sure.” She leaned into the back of the booth and felt happy to know that Winston had people who clearly adored them in their life. They deserved nothing less. In the short time they’d been friends, Winston had been nothing short of supportive and found ways to make her laugh when she was upset. “I think they’re just such a good person. It makes it easy to get along with and trust them. Sometimes when you meet people you just know, huh? Sounds like it worked out perfectly with you, too.” It was easy to laugh over the vampire watermelons now that she replaced her combat boots. She had been a little salty about that part at first. “Probably because it’s White Crest and nothing is too far-fetched. But yeah, I smashed the one that destroyed my fave combat boots and they blew one up. It was a bonding experience. Worth the loss of my shoes because we got to be upfront with each other about things we probably would’ve kept a secret.” Ariana had been picking at her fries when Ricky mentioned being colorblind. She instantly perked up and tried to subtly sniff to pick up on his scent. It definitely wasn’t wolfy, she would have noticed as much right away. He smelled more like the ocean. “Wait…,” she whispered, taking a look around them, “Colorblind? You don’t smell like a wolf. You smell more like the ocean. Are you…” She had trailed off before she realized that was probably way too blunt, “Ah, crap, sorry. I got a little weird there. I’m colorblind, too.” She tried to play it off and nervously tucked her hair behind her ear, shifting back to what he had asked her. “But yeah, senior year. I just started up a carpentry apprenticeship so that’ll be post-graduation life for me. Don’t really feel into the whole college thing. What about you? Do you go to UMWC with Winston?” 

Ariana talked a million miles an hour and it was honestly somewhat comforting. Ricky enjoyed listening to the stories about her misadventures with Winston and vampire watermelons and the mishap that led to the destruction of her favorite pair of combat boots. It was something of a twist though, when she mentioned that Winston had blown one of them up and the twist got even twistier when she made a comment about the way he smelled. The first twist could have been, maybe, explained away. Winston was after all an at least tangential member of the Police Department. Blowing things up could have been in reference to some explosives they’d procured and not their innate magical ability. But the comments about his smell, particularly when coupled with her comment about how he didn’t smell wolfy, made him set his fork down and wipe burger off of his face, “Holy shit did I collect another werewolf friend?” His mouth quirked into half a smile as he leaned across the table, “Are there just a million of you around town?” He idly chewed a french fry and looked at the young woman across the table. “It’s funny. All of the rest of you I’ve met have said the same thing. That I smell like the ocean. Which makes sense I guess… it’s where I was born.” He resumed his burger, cutting off a piece and making sure it was properly laden with mushrooms and swiss cheese. “Carpentry apprenticeship though, that’s dope af. I’m a woodworker by trade. Who’re you apprenticing with? Maybe you can do an independent study with me. It’d be boring…. But…. I’d cook you a good lunch as part of it.” The burger disappeared rapidly, and then all Ricky was left with was a small mountain of fries, which he liberally covered in hot sauce. “Me? I’m about two months from graduating with my MFA, which was an entirely unnecessary degree, but then I’ll be done there. And to be perfectly honest with you; a lot of people look down their noses at apprenticeships and trade schools but there’s always going to be a need for skilled manual labor; and a lot of times those jobs pay a lot better than anything a Bachelor’s in Science is going to get you. If you know carpentry is something you’re into I fully support not pouring thousands upon thousands of dollars into a broken educational system and just doing an apprenticeship. People are always going to need carpenters.” 

Prior to mentioning it, there had been no doubt in Ariana’s mind that he’d known about the supernatural. After all, Winston had mentioned giant crabs that had a name she couldn’t remember destroying their living room, but it was still a relief that Ricky caught on to her drift quickly, albeit without answering all of her questions, but they’d get there. The fact he had multiple werewolf friends did pique her interest. She knew Ulfric, Lucas, and Simon. Plus, she knew of Miles. Still, it’d be nice to have some friends like her who were closer to her in age range. Her head tilted as she looked at him and said in a hushed tone, “Looks like you did! Wait,  you know other werewolves? I’ve only met a few in town so far.” She let out a hushed laugh before shoving a few more fries in her mouth. Her eyes were still kind of wide when she quietly added, “Must be true then. Goes with the whole beach bro aesthetic. You were born on the beach? Do you… I’m sorry if this is kind of blunt, but are you able to shift, too?” How she didn’t pick up on the subtle difference in his scent sooner was driving her crazy. Maybe her manners weren’t entirely intact, but her curiosity often got the better of her. As she polished off her burger, Ricky was talking about how he was a woodworker. It was official, Ricky was fucking awesome. “Wait, seriously? That’s so cool. How long have you been doing that? My apprenticeship is at Trusty Wood, but yeah, an independent study sounds great. I doubt I’d be bored. I find working with my hands to actually be kind of relaxing. Plus, the promise of a good lunch is hard to turn down,” she finished with a smirk. She wasn’t sure if it was a wolf thing or an athlete thing, but she was nearly always hungry. She picked at the rest of her french fries as he spoke about school. It was kind of nice to hear someone validate her choice to skip out on college, even if they went themselves. “That’s awesome. I guess it’s a bit early for a congratulations, but I’m gonna throw it out there anyway. A degree is a good thing to have so more power to you. The money thing is a factor, but honestly, I just really can’t imagine going through more school. I’m dyslexic and colorblind so schoolwork kind of makes my brain feel like it’s a melted pile of goo. I’d just rather dive right into something I know I actually enjoy. I will miss soccer though.” 

“You’re now the third one I’ve met. So I guess I don’t know a million of them. But; now more than a couple. Now I’ve got a neat little three of a kind in my social acquaintances.” It was always nice to meet another shifter; particularly as he’d found the werewolves he did know in town to all be excellent friends. “Not on the beach. In the ocean.” He chewed thoughtfully on another french fry as Ariana asked her question, shooting her a smile, “I am. Different than you. I’m an at will shifter, I don’t need the moon. I just need to have my true skin and I can change back into my true form. I’m a selkie. A seal shifter. We’re a little more rare in these parts than you and your kind are; most of the big clans are still over on the British Isles, but, I can shift indeed… and to simplify the every fucking complicated dance of not telling people things they shouldn’t know I”ll let you know right off the bat that Winston knows what I am. There was an awkward moment after we moved in together when he came home unexpectedly, I didn’t have my fake teeth in, and he caught sight of my fangs. Our teeth are always seal teeth even in our human bodies.” The conversation shifted tack yet again to her impending apprenticeship, “Well if you ever wanna hang out in the workshop for a day or two just clear it with your new boss and I’ll be happy to have you tag along and see the kind of work I do. I know at least for me personally as an artist I always love watching people work because I always learn at least one thing that I had no idea about before.” He shrugged broadly, “It’s fine. It’s definitely not something I needed. But I’ve got it now so it’s there to hang on the wall in my studio and look smug about or something. And that’s fair. I was lucky enough to get a whole heap of scholarships; but really I did not excel in college. I’m not that booksmart, as much as Winston likes to lecture me about various types of intelligences, and it was a fucking struggle. I’m certainly not graduating on the dean’s list. But i bet there’s a community soccer team you could be involved in. Or you could start one.” 

“Huh, that’s about how many I’ve met so far, too. I can definitely smell that there’s more. Which hopefully doesn’t sound totally creepy,” Ariana responded with a laugh. Navigating the world through smell seemed a lot less weird once someone knew you were a werewolf. After all, that’s how wolves in the wild worked. As Ricky explained what he was, Ariana stared at him completely fascinated. She’d never met a selkie before. She was pretty sure she’d heard them mentioned in one of Celeste’s books, but meeting one in person was totally different. She instinctively leaned forward on her elbows, taking in every word. “Wow,” she said completely in awe, “That’s pretty fucking cool. You’re the first selkie I’ve met. That must be pretty cool to have control of when you shift. I love the full moon. That’s actually where the venison I made came from. Apparently with practice, I can learn to shift outside the full moon, but haven’t really tried as much yet. Probably wouldn’t be the best idea right now anyway. Thanks for skipping that whole dance. Winston also knows what I am. They’re definitely really understanding for still being new to all of this.” She nodded along as Ricky explained about her being able to come watch him in his workshop. Learning new ways of doing things and see how he worked could definitely be helpful for her learning the trade and making it her own. “Totally,” she responded, “I’ll check with Shiloh and see if that’d be okay. I’d definitely love to see your work and how you do it.” It felt a little better to know school was tough for him, too. Everyone around her always seemed to have a much easier time with things, where as she needed an army of math tutors just to pass Algebra. “Even if it was tough, you still did it, so that’s amazing. Glad it’s not just me who struggles with the book learning thing. Winston’s right though, we’ve all got our things. You’re right, I’ll have to look into it more. I may be working a soccer camp for elementary school kids this summer.It’s not a full time thing and I figured it could help me stick with that hobby.”

“I mean I don’t know how much of this is fact and how much of this is me still drooling over the cast of Teen Wolf years later but don’t you guys have packs? Like we have clans? Makes sense that where there’s one there’d be more than a handful unless they’re taking the whole ‘lone wolf’ thing real seriously.” He polished off the last of his french fries and looked forlornly down at the empty plate before ordering another basket of them when the waitress came by the table to refill their drinks. “We’re not super common. But yeah. I’ve got to do it like once a week otherwise I’ll start to get sick, but, I can pretty much pick and choose when I do it. Downsides are I’m every vampire’s favorite treat. Oh! Since we’re no longer pretending to be human! It wasn’t a car accident that fucked me up like this. Winston and I got attacked by an asanbosam. Fugly ass West African tree vampire. Nasty fucking piece of work that one. It’s dead though, so, no worries.” The fries came and he pushed them to the center of the table so they could both snack on them, “Once I’m healed up and graduated I’ll pretty much be in there full time. But yeah. If Shiloh says it’s chill swing by the house and see me. You me and Winston can have lunch and we’ll get you hands on with some carpentry stuff the way I do it.” Listening carefully as she talked he couldn’t help but remember his own high school experience. It sounded remarkably similar to what Ariana had gone through “Maybe it’s a shifter thing” He laughed quietly, “We’re bad at school but good with our hands. But soccer camp sounds amazing. You could even look into like helping coach kids’ teams during the school year. I’m sure they need help year round wrangling a bunch of hopped-up-on-juice-and-sugar kids. There’re definitely a bunch of ways to keep you involved in the soccer after high school, you just gotta search them out a bit.” 

“Weirdly enough, I’ve never watched that show so I couldn’t tell you how true to form it is. Wolves do form packs though. I was really young when my parents died so I didn’t grow up around other wolves. Slowly starting to find a pack here so to speak. I think it’s more a matter of us finding each other than anything else. Which the nose helps with that one a lot. That’s cool you guys have clans. Sticking together is always smart,” Ariana responded in a low voice, still being sure to not attract any unwanted attention. Thankfully, the restaurant wasn’t too busy and they were off towards the back. Last thing they needed was to tip some asshole hunter off. When he mentioned they weren’t common, it made sense she’d never met one previously. She had finished off her own plate and pushed it toward the side of the table with all her napkins and silverware stacked on it to make it a little easier for the server. “Well, it’s pretty fucking cool to meet a selkie. That kinda makes sense though, having to shift to avoid feeling sick. Cool to be able to pick and choose when. Oh jeez, that’s not the kind of snack you want to be. I remember Winston mentioning the tree vampire thing. That was how they got hurt, too, right? Hopefully there aren’t more of those roaming around because hard pass on all of that. Glad you survived that though.” The prospect of learning from Ricky was exciting and she hoped Shiloh would be cool with it. She wasn’t sure why she wouldn’t be. It’d only make her better at her job. Plus, Ricky was cool as hell and she really wanted to see him in action. “Yeah, I hope the healing thing happens for you sooner rather than later. I know not being able to get out as much can suck. There’s only so much entertainment streaming services can provide. I’m sure she’ll be cool with it though. That sounds like a great day to me.” She nodded along as he spoke and finished off her iced tea. When Ricky mentioned the shifter thing, she found herself laughing too. “It must be. Makes me feel a little better about the number of tutors I needed to pass Algebra. I’m pretty excited about the soccer camp. I’ve never really done anything like that before, but I love kids and soccer, so I think it’ll be a good time. That’s a really good idea though, I’ll have to look into that. I know you mentioned the Swim Team before, I imagine you have to keep up with swimming all things considered. Where here is actually safe to swim is what I’d like to know.”

“I hope it’s not really true to form because it makes packs seems like a weirdly queerbaity incestuous mess. But. Tyler Posey is hot and so I watched the whole thing. Don’t judge.” He smiled as they finished off the food and leaned back in the booth, crossing his arms carefully over his very sore chest, “I think they killed the only one. We’d be finding literal piles of human skin under trees if there were more lurking around and I haven’t heard anything about that so hopefully they’re gone for good. Because they’re some gross ass bitches.” It was nice to just sit and have a meal with someone without any expectation. They just sat and talked and it was the most relaxed Ricky had honestly felt since the whole asanbosam incident. “Doesn’t matter how many tutors it took. Just matters that you stuck with it long enough to actually pass. That’s the important thing. It was tough and it was hard but you weren’t a little bitch about it. That’s that good good character building shit right there.” It wasn’t any stretch of the imagination to think that Ariana would be a great soccer coach. Between her personable manner and her readily-apparent love of the game she’d probably crush it. “Fuck yeah. Go for it. There’s no reason you have to stop doing what you love because you’re graduating. You just turn it into an adult hobby and start charging people. Bing bang boom you’ve got some income and you’re a civic-minded resident of the town!” He couldn’t help but snort at her question about safe swimming, “An indoor pool. Don’t ever go swimming in Dark Score lake. You will die. Pretty immediately. The ocean is full of borderline upsetting shit too.” He pulled up the side of his shirt to show the very large bite mark on the side of his stomach, “Mermaids. You don’t wanna fuck with those bitches. They are mean.” 

“A little less like that. Given all the other wolves I know are men that are a fair deal older than me. I mean, I’m bi, but still don’t think it’s quite like that,” Ariana laughed as she mused on the similarities between some teen show and actual life as a werewolf. Somehow she had the feeling none of the shows were really spot on. It was good to hear that there was likely only one tree vampire in White Crest and it was dead. “Thank god, I’m tough, but I really didn’t want to run into one of those things. They sound vicious af and no thanks,” she leaned back a bit into the booth and added, “But like, totally glad you both live to tell the tale. Still, fuck that thing.” Her smile was wide as she listened to him basically pep her up. Getting to hang out with Ricky was pretty cool, not that she doubted Winston’s taste in friends, but he was just an all around good dude. Just the kind of positivity she needed in her life right about now. “Thanks, definitely wasn’t totally a little bitch about. Doesn’t mean there wasn’t some complaining though,” she said with a laugh, “But I do appreciate the hype.” As the waitress came back by and asked if they wanted dessert, she shook her head no and thanked her as she left the check. Turning back to Ricky, she found she was still as cheerful as ever. Man, he really was a super sweet person. His profile description of being thicc of heart and ass had been spot on. “You right, you right. I can still do something I love as a hobby and make some money off it. Plus, contributing to the community and working with kids is always a good time.” She crossed her arms and pouted slightly at the swimming advisory. White Crest was her kind of place, but she’d rather not become giant monster fish food, so she guessed she’d have to skip the swimming. “Well, damn, okay White Crest. Guess I gotta find a gym with an indoor pool then.” Her mouth dropped at the mark on the side of his stomach, “Jeez, a mermaid did that? So I’m guessing The Little Mermaid really isn’t accurate then.” 

Sliding his card across the table onto the bill that the waitress had left Ricky shot her a gleaming smile as she took the card and left, “I’m glad that actual pack dynamics aren’t the same as that show. That’d be….. Highly dysfunctional.” He couldn’t help but laugh a little as she talked about The Little Mermaid, “No. They’re more like….. Horrific nightmare angler fish. They have a lure that looks super convincingly like a human. They then use it to trick people into thinking someone’s drowning and then when they swim out to rescue them… boom. Eaten by a gross ass mermaid. I know the Rec Center out on Birch Lane has a pretty decent pool. If you’re fine with the sound of children screaming and some truly impressive levels of chlorine.” His card was returned and he signed the bottom of the receipt, leaving a large tip and ignoring the phone number scrawled at the bottom next to a smiley face, “If you need someone to sketch you uniform designs for your new kids’ soccer team I’m totally available for that. I can do some adorable fuckin’ cartoon designs that’ll make your team the envy of the surrounding area.” Gingerly sliding himself out of the booth he held an arm out to Ariana, “This was definitely the most fun I’ve had having cheeseburgers in a long time. Plus… I made another shifter friend! Best dinner date ever.”  

With a smile, Ariana thanked Ricky for dinner. Making a new friend, especially someone else who was a shifter, had been a great time. Though the description of mermaids was mildly terrifying. Ariel sounded way more fun to hang out with. “Big yikes,” she remarked, “That is definitely not what I imagined at all. I will keep my swimming to the Rec Center or out of White Crest entirely. Thankfully, I’m more of a runner than a swimmer. Not that there’s not things in the woods that would probably want to eat me, but I’m pretty scrappy.” She relaxed in the booth as Ricky signed the receipt and mentioned his drawing skills. “You’re just a man of many talents, huh? I’ll totally let you know if I need to design anything like that. I have a meeting soon with like, the full details on that.” She smiled easily getting up from the booth and taking Ricky’s arm. “Same here,” she said happily as they walked out, “Can’t beat cheeseburgers and new shifter friends. We’re definitely doing this again soon.”   

[fuckblizzardbearlover]

So obviously alot of people (wrongly) didnt like Woody’s decision in Toy Story 4 and i’m here to tell you why you are wrong (and maybe why you should feel bad about it)

TS4 Spoilers, obviously

With the story being about toys its likely alot of us missed out on the major theme of the genre, which really only came to me recently.

Yes they are cute movies about toys with puns and gag humor.

alot of people try to play up the existential horror of being a toy, whos existence is at the whim of giants who will destroy you themselves or throw you away , blah blah blah.

But really the whole thing is a giant metaphor. its like a Black Mirror/Twilight Zone episode where the concept is “What if adults entire lives revolved around their kids”

See, the toys exist because of kids, are brought into their lives, get fulfillment out of helping the kids grow up and be happy, and while often fearing losing their kids overall accept the inevitability.

lots of people have tried to do some weird fanfictiony thing regarding woody and andy. especially with the heavy implication that Woody was inherited from his father. But i’m here to say Woody is Andy’s father.

No not his biological father, he’s not the reincarnated soul of his father. I’m saying within the confines of this story and metaphore he is Andy’s father. his step father, his father figure. Its, within canon BECAUSE he is an heirloom FROM his father that he’s so attatched to the Woody Doll.

Because each toy has their role. RC is Andy’s first car, Ham and Potatoe head are like Andy’s uncles. Bo Peep his Woody’s girlfiend.

See its cus of this relationship that Woody’s role is so important. What are fathers for? inspiring you. Playing games with you. being heroic. Being kind. protecting others. even falling in love. Andy doesnt have a father and for the sake of the story his mother is barely shown. He gets his fulfillment and plays with the values of heroism, emotion, and becoming a good person through his toys like so many kids. And woody is there to teach him, love him, be there for him and be someone to look up to.

but because of the Black mirrorness, his step dad (woody) and uncles and aunts and all that are objects , that while they exist outside of his perview, dont exist to HIM. To any of the kids in this world. Thats how parents and adults are to kids in the real world...only more literal. Kids dont think about their teachers outside of school. have a hard time comprehending the billions of adults doing things like having lives, working jobs, speaking other languages and doing adult things across the world. Even their own parents are easily forgotten until the kid has been away for awhile, or needs the parent the do somehting or comfort them. Thats JUST like these toys. kids are inspired by and love their toys but are easily distracted, or like with many kids and their parents, grow to dislike playing with those toys/adults. And similarly the toys and adults do have their OWN lives , thats both a good and bad thing. When not being played with the toys still exist and have lives of their own. but ultimately their lives REVOLVE around a kid.

So imagine in real life in Adults werent allowed to move (far), to travel, without their kids. That they COULD but they had to return to their positions by the time the kids got back. The thing you might have been wondering is that ALL the toys cant be parents but they arent they are adults. Look at all of andy’s toys there are some he never plays with and others he barely does. So like...Bo Peep being a toy he only plays with when he needs  a damsel in distress is like him going to his step dad’s girlfriend when he needs advice about girls or buying a gift for one. Ham is the weird nerdy uncle that only exists when you need to ask em weird facts on messenger or borrow money from.

So imagine in this black mirror world if like...the barista didnt make coffee all day, have breaks and made money. If they had to stay in their uniform in the coffee shop all day doing nothing but playing solitair and waiting for a kid to show up so they could play their small part.

And of course the major issue in toy story is the growing up and losing your kids.

In toy story 1 Woody gets upset when another step dad comes into Andy’s life. maybe metaphorical for his mom’s new boyfriend. like many kids ANdy is smitten by having the cool new dad who has lasers and takes him to put put and Pizza planet. Andy loved going to the ranche and horseback riding with Woody but all this NEW stuff is Amazing!. And like many adults Woody was sidelined for the new shiny stuff. If you live for your kids it can be heartbreaking when a new friend or hobby or adult comes into their life and they dont have time for you anymore. Heck every sitcome has like 5 episodes dedicated to the adults getting used to the idea that with growing up the kids dont have time for them anymore. And woody grows to accept the new adult in Andy’s life because him being an asshole about it made it so he almost LOST andy completely. Imagine a movie or sitcom where andy’s dad and his mom’s new boyfriend keep bickering and then the wife tells them if they cant stop yelling at each other in front of andy that neither of them can see him. (andy moving away)

In toy story 2 they are dealing with andy growing up. He’s grown out of most of his toys. just like how kids who are preteen spend most of their time with their family. going to friends house, playing with cousins, that as they grow older they dont want to go on 6 hour car rides to see grandma anymore. they arent interested in playing leggos with toddlers, or grow to dislike cousins. So andy’s likes and dislikes have shifted and he only has some of his favorite toys now, just like how a teenager will often be less involved with their parents, lose some friends, gain others and might interact less with extended relatives.

And then fearing losing andy himself, woody risks himself to keep another relative from losing andy. and he ends up in a new world, playing with the concept of moving on from his kid. See Jessie has already gone through this. Her kid grew into a teenager and like many mothers, was promptly forgotten about. her mom (jessie)  wasnt even embarrassing, she just wasnt on her radar, she was talking with friends, doing makeup , doing extra curriculars. She didnt have time for jessie and when she finally found her, immediately put her away. She’d grown up and her ‘mom’ wasnt in her life anymore, she still had the good memories, but sadly Jessie realized that all that time she waited for her daughter to come back to her so they could bond again, that her kid lost interest in ever being her friend a LONG time ago.

And woody saw that as his future. So when the entire reason you are alive is to help your kid, what do you do when your kid isnt gone, because they dont want you anymore? thats the problem he had to face. And the movie focuses on this. on extra bonus material we see the Prospector was happy now that he finally had his first kid, Woody talks to buzz not about NEVER losing andy, but that its STILL GOING TO HAPPEN. but its WORTH IT. THats just like what so many parents say. That its hard dealing wiht kids that are stressful and take up money and eventually they rebel and you lose them for the most part. but its WORTH IT to see them grow up and become amazing people.

And thats part of Toy Story 3. Andy’s all grown up and since parents/toys only exist for kids to play with then there is no reason for them. their lives are unfullfulling and pointless but they dredge on none the less because thought heir lives are dedicated to kids they dont immediately disappear when they dont have them. though its implied they do eventually fade away.

but some of these toys find an alternative. such a preschool. infinite kids forever. the connection isnt as strong but its something. just like adults who babysit or become teachers or caretakers. In this Bonnie is Woody’s and other toys second chance. their second child. the “we arent that old, maybe we can have another one?” and So they try again.

however, Toy story 4

in this extended metaphor kids dont NEED their parents/toys. the story doestn focus on real life for people. its just assumed that kids are taken care of , that they have food and a place to live. So its actually the ‘adults whos ENTIRE EXISTENCE revolves around being loved by a child” allegory that is at risk here

And see. in real life you have to accept like woody and andy that eventually even your most beloved kid will outgrow you. You have to accept like jessie that even before they grow up a child you love will no longer need you as much as you feel for them. That while you are important to a child if you get deployed, if you have to move away , if you are just at work all the time your child is home you can end up being ‘repalced’ by someone IN their lives.

 and Woody...thats whats happened to him. He’s there for Bonnie, bonnie cares about him but hes not her favorite toy. shes got this HUGE extended family and she gets enough love from her parents and her surogate parents (like dollie) and Woody is just one of dozens of ‘relatives” that help her out.

and So this LAST movie is about him finally learning that though loving a child is precious. that trying again is admirable. that when you love a child its about the CHILD not you, and that you WILL get hurt, but its WORTH IT. “this is what its all about” that helping create and nurture this kid is worth any heartbreak, of the kid outgrowing you, even the kid forgetting you.

BUT That its a choice and you can and SHOULD at some point CHOOSE to LIVE FOR YOURSELF. Woody has presumably spent all of Andy’s dad’s childhood, all of Andy’s childhood and a few years with Bonnie, raising kids, inspiring them. he’s existed for like 50 years. and He wouldnt trade those memories for the world. but He cant get that back. he cant relive the past. Its the past.

and so he decided to do what all parents should do, move on and find a fulfilling life for HIMSELF.

YOU DESERVE A HAPPY LIFE FOR YOURSELF.

and thats why it pisses me off that people are like “woody would never leave bonnie”

raising kids is great but you cant have a LIFE if you live only for that. You have to be your own person and EVENTUALLY even if you decide to dedicate your life to kids, EVENTUALLY you have to live for yourself

[patton-kitty-squad]

Ocean Eyes

Warning: Pining, Food, Vague Ending

Ship(s): Logicality, prinxiety (hinted at)

Summary: Logan has been in love with his best friend for years, someone who has been there for him for a long time. So he tries to confess a few times, but he has to wait for the right time.

Word Count: 1,958

Logan sat on the opposite side of the couch as his best friend. Their feets had been playing together, Patton’s blue and pink cat socks a splash of color to Logan’s Black and tan attire. The two friends were polar opposites, but that didn’t stop the two in their nearly twenty-two years of friendship.

Even though Logan had been into science, even as a kid and Patton was more of an active kid, they had a really strong bond. They had been born just a few days apart, and Logan was born a few weeks early, while Patton was nearly a week late. Logan, socially, couldn’t tell what people were feeling, and Patton could talk a kid down from a major panic attack.

Polar opposites, but they were like a magnet.

Logan and Patton’s mothers met at the hospital, and the two boys were basically inseparable from then on. They went to the same Daycare, same summer lessons, and the same school district. They had hit the jackpot when they got accepted into the same college.

Nearly twenty-two years of a perfect, calm friendship.

And Logan had to screw it up with developing feelings for the sweet, freckled Patton.

“Logan, what do you think a dog thinks about?” Patton spoke up, holding the other’s feet with his own.

“They most likely think about food and sleeping, maybe about the affection it receives from its owner,” Logan replied, “Why do you ask?”

“I was talking to Roman earlier,” Logan felt his heartache when he saw a small smile on Patton’s lips, “and we were talking about dogs, and Virgil said Dogs only thought about eating, but I said that they must think about their owners.”

“Oh, so you were wondering if you were wrong or right.” Logan hummed.

“No, I was hoping dogs thought about more than themselves.”

Logan nodded, “They do. They’re especially protective of their humans. It’s also been scientifically proven that they are able to tell if someone is a bad person.”

It was silent for a minute before Patton brought something else up. “What about a cat?”

Logan blinked, “Why do you want to know about this Patton?” He sat up straighter, pulling Patton’s feet up and caging him in with his legs. He dropped the feet down around his hips, looking at the freckled man across from him.

“I was thinking that if some people are cat people, and some people are dog people, then they act like it. Dog people are more extroverted, and cat people are more introverted, right? And a lot of people say cats and dogs are enemies.”

“Well, I wouldn’t say that all people are like that, and that is a-”

“But I really like cats, even though I’m allergic. And you’ve said that you prefer dogs because they’re more active than cats.” Patton was staring down something at Logan’s button up, eyebrows furrowed. “And it got me thinking about us.”

It was now time for Logan to furrow his brow, and he took that into thought. “What made you think about it?”

“I’m a lot more active; even now. You prefer sitting around and reading, but that really bugs me. I need to move around. You struggle with talking to people, but I love talking to people. People would never think you’re my best friend. They always assume that Roman would be- but here we are now, nearly twenty-two years later.” Patton had a look of sadness on his face at first, but he quickly replaced it with a smile.

Logan shifted so that he sat up properly. Despite not reading others very well, Logan could tell when Patton was hurting. And this was a time for juice boxes and animal crackers- the frosted one. He patted Patton’s leg, getting up to get the said items. “I’ll be right back.”

Patton looked up with bright blue eyes, nodding as Logan went to go get the treats.

“Come out with us.”

Logan blinked as he looked up from his books. In front of him, Patton stood in a new polo shirt- he could tell because it still has the sticker on the front of his chest. Subconsciously, he leaned over to his friend and pulled it off.

“Why do you want me to come out? Didn’t we just go out last night?” He asked, rolling the sticker up so the adhesive side was up, and handed it to Patton. Said young adult pouted, taking the item to toy with it.

“I meant to come out with me, Roman, and Virgil. We’re going out to eat and then to Walmart.”

And that’s how Logan found himself sitting in an Applebee's booth with three other men at nearly midnight, trying to finish his meal as Virgil was telling a story about how he had tried to get onto a school’s stage while the Ballet Nutcracker was going on when he was a toddler. Roman was hunched over, laughing as Virgil recalled the events of how toddler him as decided he didn’t like that shirt he was wearing and that he decided to just strip down on the stage.

 Patton was leaning onto Logan’s arm as he laughed, trying not to be as loud so he didn’t disturb the fellow dinners, but was ultimately giving full body laughs as Virgil told them about his mother’s horror as she realized that the stupid toddler stripping on stage was her toddler.

“It’s safe to say that she never took me to another public play until I was ten.” Virgil ended his story, a smile twitching on his lips. While the story was amusing, Logan had been focused on the sound of Patton’s laughter.

Nothing felt like home as the laughter that came from the perfect mouth of his besides the words he’s heard so many times- I love you.

Soon, they paid for dinner- Roman insisting he pays for Virgil’s meal (and losing the battle) while Logan just took the screen they used to pay and added Patton’s meal to his bill. Of course, Patton threw a fit and demanded to let him pay for his own groceries at least.

(Of course, Logan wasn’t going to allow that. He knew how little Patton had left over from his job)

Next, the small group made their way to Walmart. It wasn’t that long of a walk, just a block away from the restaurant. It was also creeping up on 12:30 am, making the store emptier than usual. Of course, the first thing that they did was grab two carts. Almost like a routine, Logan watched as Virgil climbed into the basket of the cart, Roman cackling as they walked into the store.

Logan looked back to Patton, who hummed to himself while following the other two with the cart.

“Where to first, kiddos?” Patton spoke up, smiling.

“Okay- let’s-” Virgil laughed as he tried to sit up in the cart, “Let’s go to the frozen foods, get some pizzas and hot pockets.” He cackled.

Roman made an exaggerated salute, walking down the way to the back of the story.

Patton laughed and grabbed Logan’s hand as he leads them to the frozen section. “I guess we could pick up a few things. Maybe frozen pizzas or some fish sticks,” he hummed, letting go of Logan's hand to steer the cart.

Logan let out the breath he was holding, follow Patton down to the frozen foods section of the store. A few feet in front of two was the other duo. Instead of besting exhausted and making one am decisions, they were cackling and strolling along. They were acting as if it was a normal day, just walking through Walmart and getting groceries at one am.

Logan stopped for a second. What was he doing? It’s one in the morning, and he’s supposed to be sleeping; not walking around trying to buy groceries!

“Lo?” Patton’s voice called, “What type of pizza should we get?”

Logan looked back at Patton, the man holding two frozen pizzas. “I know you’re not a huge fan of it,” he hummed, “but I was thinking about getting meat lovers for you, and a normal pepperoni for me. But we should also get two more, so what should we get?”

Logan approached the door Patton was at, and reached in to grab another. “Well, I know you don’t really like vegetables, but we can get one for me, and we can try...” He hummed, pulling out one. “Garlic Chicken.” He read, turning back to the other.

Instead of seeing the typical pout aimed at the veggie pizza, Patton was looking up at Logan with a fond smile.

“Okay,” he whispered.

Logan was lost in those blue eyes- the color reminding him of the ocean. The world seemed to stop for a minute.

Until it didn’t.

“Princey, you’re going too fast!” A voice screeched, followed by the sound of a cart hitting a wall.

Patton’s eyes seemed to widen as he turned his head to where the sound of the two talking came from. “Kiddos, you shouldn’t be doing that in the store!” He ran over to the two- supposedly adults- were.

And like that, Logan’s blue-eyed beauty was walking away.

It had been spontaneous.

Like every scenario in his head about a thousand and one ways to confess his love had been thrown out of the metaphorical window.

Logan had come home after a long shift (for a part-time job) sorting papers to the smell of pizza cooking and laughter drifting through the house. Of course, curiosity had gotten the better of him. After he took off his shoes, put his keys up onto the hook, and his coat was set onto the coat rack, he walked to the kitchen.

Sitting at the kitchen island was Roman and Virgil, both of which had a bottle of beer over. Now, Neither Patton or Logan bought alcohol unless it was for a holiday, event, or a recipe they wanted to try, so either Virgil or Roman brought it over or Patton had bought a case or two before Logan got home.

“Logan!” Patton cried, “You’re home finally!” He laughed, setting his bottle down. He walked out from behind the counters and threw his arms around him, “I hope you don’t mind, but I popped the Garlic Chicken and Pepperoni pizza in and invited these two over for dinner!”

Of course, Logan didn’t mind; Patton could have more friends than just him. It wasn’t like they had signed a contract to only be friends with each other.

And that’s how Logan spent his birthday with his best friend and two people he didn’t really know besides the brief interacts with over a meal at Applebee’s at midnight. And that’s how Logan realized that he didn’t mind the presences of the others- no, he wasn’t one hundred percent comfortable with them, but he could relax a little at least.

Roman was talking about how he had found out he was adopted, Virgil was staring at the man like he held the moon up in the sky, and Patton-

Patton was eating his sixth piece of pizza, his eyes staring back into him as he brought his napkin up to wipe his mouth, laughing softly. When he finished his mouthful of food, Patton set his napkin down and mouthed those familiar words that he said every day for years;

I love you.

And for the first time, instead of saying I know like he always did, Logan responded.

I love you too.

As a grin spread across Patton’s face, familiar lyrics drifted through the air, as he stared into the Ocean Eyes

“I’ve been watching you, For some time, Can’t stop staring At those Ocean Eyes...”

A/N: Here we go! The first of many in my drafts has finally been completed! I’m still on Semi-Hiatus until the end of the school year, but I really wanted to finish this before state testing comes up for my school. I also left the ending a little vague so you can decide what their relationship ended up being. Platonic love, Romantic love, anything really. I want to do sort of a companion with Virgil and Roman, but It’ll be a while.

Writing Tag: bluwrites

Masterlist Companion Fic

[sage-nebula]

I choose Alan!

First impression:

I first became aware of Alan because someone posted a screencap of the end of one of the Ash and Alan episodes where the narrator was like, “but little did they know that the world is slowly sliding toward destruction” and the person captioned it with, “Not again, Alan” and I was like, “what do you mean ‘again’?!” So my first impression of him was that he had somehow ended the world at some previous point, and that made me go watch all the TSME episodes. (Of course, he didn’t, but this wouldn’t be the PokéAni fandom if it didn’t unjustly blame him for everything.)

Impression now:

HE’S MY VALIANT DRAGON SON AND I’LL DEFEND HIM ‘TIL MY DYING DAY.

Favorite moment:

Part of me wants to say the moment where he finally finds his voice and is able to stand up to Lysandre, given that Lysandre was his abuser and that was such a powerful moment for him.

But the more indulgent side of me says that it was the moment where he spent all of .01 seconds before he threw himself out of an aircraft, swinging down by rope in a piece of stunning animation, to go out on the ice and save Lizardon in TSME 3. Good god that was incredible.

Idea for a story:

Let’s see … in my Works in Progress folder I currently have:

- The sixth chapter of To Devour the Sun (he’s not actually in that chapter, but the story focuses on him primarily, and he’s mentioned a lot).

- Lizardon’s origin story, which is from Alan’s point-of-view and details how he found and hatched Lizardon’s egg.

- A fic where Alan, age eleven, gives a presentation at the annual League funding science conference (it has a more official name than that, I don’t remember) because Sycamore is too sick to do so, and if they don’t attend and do a good job at the conference, the lab will lose its funding. Note that Sycamore does not send Alan; Alan sends himself by enlisting Gabrielle (Sycamore’s garchomp) to cut the cord to Sycamore’s alarm clock.

- A fic where Alan, having newly become Champion, gives a speech / answers questions at his induction ceremony pertaining to what happened in the Flare arc and what his plans are for the future, showing how far he’s come in his recovery.

- A fic in my Immortality AU where Alan and Ash time travel thanks to Celebi shenanigans and interact with Sycamore during XY(&Z). Or at least, this used to be in my WIPs folder, but it was lost when my folder was mysteriously deleted a while ago, RIP. Anyway, I still have a bit of it saved in a draft, so you can have a snippet of it since all the rest was deleted:

“Alan, you can have Lizardon fly you down, can’t you?” Augustine asked, and he smiled as Alan looked over at him, eyes wide. “I saw on television that he had evolved. He should be able to carry you—maybe both of you, depending?”

Alan bit his lip, holding Augustine’s gaze for just a moment before he shook his head and turned away, facing the waterfall’s edge again. “No. I can’t call on Lizardon right now.”

Augustine frowned, his heart skipping an unpleasant beat in his chest. “Why not? Steven said he had healed after the incident in Hoenn. Was he wrong?”

“Steven?” Alan looked back, his brow scrunched in confusion, but before Augustine could answer the confusion cleared and he shook his head. “Oh, yeah—no, he was right. Lizardon recovered from that just fine.”

“Then why can’t he carry you?” Augustine asked. Alan didn’t answer, and instead shoved his hands into his coat pockets and started walking along the edge of the waterfall, down the slope that led along the bank. Ash cast a frown Augustine’s way before he turned and started to follow Alan. Augustine stared after the pair of them for a second—since when had Alan ever just walked away in the middle of a conversation like that?—before he started after himself, a knot of stress building in his chest. “Alan, what’s wrong with Lizardon?”

“Nothing’s wrong with Lizardon,” Alan said, and though he raised his voice to be heard, he didn’t look back. “Come on, there should be another path down over here.”

- A much longer fic involving an organization named Panacea that wants to take over the world, and is doing so by challenging each region’s Champion—and, further, is doing so by challenging them with people who have specifically trained to challenge them. In particular the starting fic had Alan’s antagonist, a woman named Florence, showing up in Isolé Village (where he lived the first five miserable years of his life), and Alan has to go there to chase her out. He encounters the villagers who “raised” him for the first time in seventeen years, and it goes … mmh. It goes.

And probably others, but I can’t remember them right now.

Unpopular opinion:

Oh boy, where do I begin.

- Alan deserved to win the League, full stop. I love Ash, but had Greninja beaten Lizardon it would have been the strongest show of plot armor imaginable. Mega Charizard X outclasses Battle Bond Greninja in every way, especially when ‘Zard X has Thunder Punch which, no, cannot be blocked by Water Shuriken, that is nonsense.

- Alan was not remotely responsible for what happened to Hari-san. Hari-san was able to wander off and become comatose due to Manon’s negligence as a trainer. That was in no way his fault and the fact that no one took the time to tell him that he doesn’t have to blame himself for everything is a crime.

- For that matter, Alan had every single right in the world to decide not to travel with Manon anymore, especially since she never asked to come with him in the first place, and instead just kept stalking him and ignoring his “no” until he gave in. Manon continuously ran roughshod over Alan’s boundaries, ignored his consent, argued with him when he explained his feelings in a way that completely ignored those feelings, and ultimately just had no respect for him as a person, instead only thinking about herself and what she got from their partnership (i.e. talking about how much she can learn and grow, saying she’ll get through danger as long as he protects her, et cetera). Frankly, the fact that it took so long for Alan to actually yell at her just goes to show how nice of a person he is. If it were me, I would have yelled like that back in TSME 1 (instead of just calling her annoying and continuously ditching her like he did).

- To that end, I think that Alan and Manon’s relationship as it is at the end of the series is pretty unhealthy, since Manon never once apologized or learned from any of her behavior (thus she stayed pretty static / will no doubt keep making the same mistakes again and again), and Alan now feels as if he can’t do anything that will upset her because that will make him a Horrible Awful Person Who’s Ruining Her Life. And I mean, we kind of already see this happen; in XYZ045, Alan does try to tell her that he doesn’t want to dance (and he looks seriously panicked and uncomfortable about it), but everyone, including Sycamore in a move that really disappointed me, pressures him to do it anyway. And what ends up happening? He gives in, and he’s not smiling during the dance scene, either. Honestly, that scene triggered me really badly because it brought up memories of times when my own boundaries and consent were completely railroaded—where I was explicitly told that what I wanted didn’t matter—and the resulting panic attack was so bad I got sick and had to bring it up with my therapist. Anyway, while I prefer to write their relationship post-canon as being healthy (at least with regards to Alan not giving into all of Manon’s whims), as it is in canon it has the potential to be so bad, and we’ve already seen that. It’s gross.

- To that end, imagining them romantically is also gross. I think it speaks to the heteronormativity of this fandom that they look at a fifteen-year-old boy and a ten-year-old girl (particularly one who acts like she’s eight) and think, “Hm, yes, this is true romantic love.” The maturity gap between them is palpable. Manon huffs and throws tantrums like a little kid. Alan has to watch over and take care of and protect her. Setting aside that their behavior is much more similar to that of siblings, the fact remains that they met at a stage in their lives where Manon looks to Alan for guidance and protection and Alan, however reluctantly, offers that. This sets the stage for how their relationship will continue to grow and develop. Speaking from experience, Alan’s not going to look at her one day and see a romantic interest. He’s going to still think of her as a kid. And again, I’m speaking from experience here; I know that my nephew is now almost eighteen years old, but when I think of him, I still imagine him as he was when he was a small child. I have step-cousins who are not blood related to me at all that I’ve known since they were small children, and it always blows my mind when I’m reminded that they’re now graduating high school and going off to college. I still think of them as kids, and Alan would be the same way with Manon. And even if one wanted to argue that wouldn’t stop Manon from having a precocious crush on Alan—and I agree, it wouldn’t—that doesn’t mean that Alan would (or should!) return her feelings. Again, she acts like (and in-universe is often compared to) Bonnie. She’s less mature than Ash, Serena, and Clemont, who are supposed to be her age contemporaries. Thinking that Alan would view her romantically makes him out to be really very gross, and I find it extraordinarily insulting to his character. (And again, in this case, even if you age them up it won’t work, because they met at a time when Alan had to be a caretaker for Manon. That makes it squicky.)

And before anyone comes at me — age gaps are NOT inherently bad. My own parents have a sixteen year age difference between them, so believe me, I’m NOT against age gaps as a whole. But when and how you meet (as in the context of your meeting) is important. My parents met when one was forty-six and the other was thirty. They were both adults, they had both been married and divorced before, they met on equal footing. Alan and Manon have not met at an equal footing, and they’ve met at very important developmental stages in their lives. Again, maturity is a HUGE part of it, because it’s the maturity gap that’s squickier than the age gap. If Manon had the maturity of, say, Ash I could see arguing for it, but as it stands she acts far more like Bonnie, and it’s squicky. This ship is a NOTP for me for so many reasons (including the above mentioned how Manon continuously ignores Alan’s consent and runs over his boundaries), and this is certainly one of them.

And last but not least: I know this is all blunt and harsh. I know this. But listen: In the past, when I’ve tiptoed around my feelings (either by writing very vague tags in a blank post that did not mention either Manon OR the ship by name), I’ve received hate for it. I’ve had people vagueblog me, I’ve had people send me rude messages, and I’ve had people yell at and block me for daring to politely voice my own opinions on my own posts when they brought the subject up (i.e. I made the post about something different entirely, they brought up Manon, I tried to state my opinion politely, they got mad and blocked me). So if tiptoeing around the situation and being diplomatic gets me hate anyway, why bother? I’ll be honest about how I feel, and how I feel is that I hate this ship, I think Manon should have been made to take responsibility for her behavior in canon, and her stans have made it incredibly hard for me to like her at all considering how they vilify Alan (or else just reduce him to her trophy boyfriend), constantly excuse everything she does, and resort to vagueblogging, rude messages, and yelling when they encounter anyone who doesn’t like her, no matter how polite or diplomatic they are about it. I still treat her fairly in the fics I write (i.e. I don’t vilify her, I write her as being successful in the future, et cetera), but at this point I’m done pretending outside of fic that this fandom hasn’t ruined her for me, because they absolutely have.

- I don’t think he should have immediately left on a journey again at the end of the series. I think he should have stayed at the lab instead, especially since Sycamore said that Alan was needed there. Alan should have stayed at the lab to rest, heal, and recover, and then later he should have taken the Champion challenge. That he was sent out on a journey again was super lazy writing.

- I also think that he should have been able to keep the Mega Stone and Key Stone, but repurposed into pendants by Sycamore, to give Alan a true fresh start and remove any taint that might have been on them. But that’s less important than all of the above.

Favorite relationship:

It’s a very close tie between his relationships with Lizardon and Sycamore, and an honorary mention to his relationship with Ash.

Alan and Lizardon are platonic soulmates and I love everything about their relationship. I love how Alan moves closer to Lizardon whenever he’s feeling nervous or anxious. I love how they talk to each other, and how Alan perfectly understands what Lizardon’s saying even when they just exchange looks. I love how Alan was willing to risk his life to protect Lizardon without a single thought. I love how Lizardon similarly shielded Alan during the Flare crisis to prevent him from getting hurt. I love how they respect each other so much, to the point where, in a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it scene, Alan extends his hand toward Lizardon but waits until Lizardon moves in for petting and cuddling right after they win the League. Alan doesn’t just pet Lizardon, he waits for permission before he pets and cuddles Lizardon. Alan respects consent and boundaries, and doesn’t consider himself entitled to Lizardon cuddles just because he’s Lizardon’s trainer (sorry, partner). 

Alan and Sycamore also so incredibly sweet, and it’s a shame we didn’t get to see more of them in canon. Sycamore is Alan’s dad in everything but blood, and there’s so much in the show to point to this … and yet somehow, not enough. But I love how supportive Sycamore is of Alan, how understanding and loving he is, and likewise how Alan will do anything to protect Sycamore, given how Sycamore saved him when he was young. They’re precious.

Finally, honorable mention is to Alan and Ash, because they helped each other so much during Kalos and I honestly love the relationship they had. So many people are tied up in the “rivalry” that was hardly that, and it saddens me so much because they’re missing such quality content. Ash managed to make Alan smile, laugh, and feel excitement and happiness at a time when he was so critically depressed that he couldn’t. Post-canon, he gave Alan a reason to keep living, which Alan says himself saved him. (He also is the one who inspired Alan to fight back at the start of the Flare crisis, on Prism Tower.) Meanwhile, Alan was someone it was okay for Ash to lose against. Ash was put on such a pedestal throughout Kalos that losing was practically deemed unacceptable, and gave him a whole damn crisis around the Snowbelle City time. But Alan and Ash met when Alan and Lizardon were a pair of Big Damn Heroes (the light of the dawn behind them and everything) saving Pikachu from Team Rocket (and protecting Ash from their attacks!). From the get-go it was acknowledged that Alan was so strong that, if Ash lost against him, it was fine. It wasn’t seen as “shocking” like when Ash lost to Shouta. Alan was someone that Ash could just have fun battling against, without something serious riding on it. They have a natural comfort around each other, familiarity like you’d expect best friends to have. I really love their relationship, too.

Favorite headcanon:

Pretty much everything in all of my post-canon fics, haha, but I’m really attached to the matching pendants I gave Alan and Lizardon for their Key Stone and Mega Stone, respectively. (Or rather, that I had Sycamore give Alan and Lizardon, haha. But same thing, really.)

[hiphopguerrilla]

Pro Sasuke Uchiha : Constructive Criticism of Kishimoto’s Antagonist

Disclaimer: I am not a critic. To anyone that disagrees, my humble opinion doesn’t count for anything because I’m just some loser in his mom’s basement as far as you’re concerned. I’m little more than a disappointed fan. Thank you for reading if you’ve go this far. Hope you can read the rest with objective consideration and without bias. This will be a long rant, you’ve been forewarned.

So I’ve been on a spree of criticism of Kishi’s work. Cannot help being criticil of an Artist/Writer who has let me down just as many times as he/she has inspired me. So because he let me down he has inspired me to write about some of the things I’m very critical of because I have no closure from the series and I can’t help but feel “Next Generation”  wasn’t about love for writing the story anymore.

In the beginning of the series Sasuke isn’t yet the antagonist, but it’s clear Kishi intended the to of them to be rivals while building what was supposed to be, and in many ways, is a story of incredible bonds and friendship. It was clear he had a motivation behind what he wanted to do as far as the character developing into and I see, it seems anyway, that he deviated from that. 

By the early stages of the character development it is established through Sasuke’s monolgue to Sakura “I am an avenger” that he never stopped grieving the loss of his clan and family and that he wanted the same closure fans never got. He said to Kakashi “I will restore my clan” and while I’m certain this isn’t meant to be taken literally he wanted to do right by their memory. 

Understanding that he didn’t just lose his family, he was literally tortured at the age of 8(forced to endure something that had Kakashi bed ridden for a week), he lost connection to his heritage(remember Madara is one of the founding members of the village yet Sasuke had no clue who he was), he lost his idol in Itachi and was forced to deal with a damaged psyche that no one could really repair Itachi drilling in his head that he was some sort of coward. He has both an inferiority complex and a superiority complex because of the standard the Clan is held to. Rather than knowing what is and isn’t true with his parents to guide him through his mess of a life.

What’s disappointing is by the end of the series that wasn’t the main take away from his character. Why? Because the development of his character was stifled by Naruto. Yes, I’m talking about the main character of the story. It’s very relevant to know and understand that Kishi didn’t take time to develop many of the characters in the story. Tenten, Hinata, Lee to an extent, Ino, Choji, Kiba, and Shino among others I may even be forgetting because....yea its obvious.

So to the point. Naruto borders on being a gary stu because, seemingly, Kishi was more partial to him than anyone Sasuke included. That’s not to say Sasuke didn’t get charcter development, just he didn’t develop in a way that was understandable to the majority of fans.

As I was saying about the end of the story none of this is understood. Worst part being that Itachi overshadows Sasuke’s character in a way that is completely disrespectful to fans who had great insterest in the development of him as Sasuke’s antagonist. I do not in anyway disagree with the choice to make Itachi remain his loving brother, who made a difficult choice for the good of the village and the one he cared for the most, but to be honest the logic that comes out of Itachi’s choice and reasoning by fans loving him so yet having great disdain for Sasuke as describe: Whiny, emo, ungrateful, selfish, among other things is a fallacy. Most of those things are inaccurate as well hypocritical to praise Itachi at the same time. 

Firstly lest start with him being ungrateful or selfish. It was immediately after the death of his clan, that this clearly life altering even influenced him to decide without doubt that he would devote his life to seeing JUSTICE for what happened then. This is how the story STARTED, please understand that it wasn’t until part 2 that this turns into full blown revenge and blind hatred in a completely hypocritical manner that made fans who already disliked Sasuke absolutely loathe him. I’ll say again this is merely so Naruto could play hero and save his soul(see there I’m getting irritated thinking about this already).

If you have a goal like becoming Hokage, or President of the United States, or First Pick in the NFL draft, or becoming head Medic nin, whatever real life or fictional you know that you can’t just decide to give it up because people say it is Irrational. Sasuke’s ultimate goal was to avenge his family. That meant he had to become strong enough to defeat Itachi, which meant sacrifices must be made.

What did he sacrifice. A normal childhood, his friendships, and the closest thing he had to a family since his blood relatives died. Yet Sasuke is selfish? Sacrificing your frienships and chance at a normal life in favor of a decision you made at 8 years old because of the family you LOVED is probably the most selfless thing a person can do. I often see people compare him to both Kakashi, and Naurto in these cases to justify loathing his character and making silly memes to ridicule him.

Kakashi couldn’t get revenge on anyone, seeing as how his only family commit suicide, The White Fang was not murdered/slaughtered. As far as Rin and Obito, they died in the line of duty they weren’t killed simply because some evil bastard(as far as Sasuke knew) wanted to “Test my power.” 

Naruto, had no connection to his family until Jiraiya and also had no concept of vengence until Jiraiya died, and If we are really to give credit where its due, the only reason he chooses not to avenge him is 1. Because it would go agaisnt his Masters wishes 2. Because he see the weight Sasuke’s had to carry and wants to free his friend from that pain. He can’t do that if he chooses to walk a path that was not his. 

Another thing that Kishi made very clear was that was the point. Sasuke was at his best when he was written as a character that manifests his own reality, and walks his own path without regret. Let’s not forgot that Fugaku is nothing like Jiraiya. He didn’t raise Sasuke to aim for peace or anything like that, in fact, one of the Uchiha’s rules is that they don’t take prisoners. Yet another reason Sasuke took it upon himself to kill Itachi, it was his duty.

Then of course, yes I’m about to go there you’ve been wared, there’s the SasuSaku thing. Why? Just why? This relationship, was never called for from the get go. Another reason so many Americans are so messed up that they don’t understand the difference between true love and infatuation. Where does Sakura’s “love” begin, where does Sasuke’s more importantly? Was that established with any certainty?

In the beginning the bulk off their interaction consisted with Sasuke ignoring her and calling her annoying. The nicest thing he says to her the entire series is “Thank you.” seriously? Not “I’ll miss you.” not  “I care for you...deeply” but “Thank you.” Thats like something you say when someone passes the salt at the dinner table.

What is their connection? I refuse to bring up other pairs because is about Sasuke development as a character not SasuSaku. Sakura does nothing but follow Sasuke around like a love sick puppy and by the end of the series, it somehow pays off and while it may feel like a win for fans of that pair, to me as a fan of the overall series and writing that makes sense even in a fictional world where characters have superpowers. There should be some logic there at least. 

What we know at the start of part one is Sakura is a 12 year old girl with a crush on the most popular boy in school. Hilarious, that’s the foundation of this pairing, never in part one and hardly anything in the series at all does it explain where these “romantic” feelings developed. It least we know why Hinata admires Naruto (sorry nothing more on NaruHina,another time perhaps). 

And Sasuke never shows any affection to her what so ever besides “Thank you.” of course and gently lying her on the park bench. Don’t think I don’t notice the SasuSaku moments either. Like when he was about to break both of Zaku’s arms and Sakura hugs him. Probably as close ot romance as it gets and Sasuke is being hugged from behind. He doesn’t initiate the hug and he doesn’t hug her back, he stands there suprised at probably the first time he’s been hugged since his mother was murdered.

Understand this, if you take that as a sign Sasuke felt the same, fine. That is absolutely acceptable, even understandable. However, for me, that is a bit half assed. It’s really not much to go on over the course of 700 chapters to say they “fell in love”. Because to me love does not equate to trying to force someone to notice you for two years, having attempts at affection met with disdain and even physical assault, like when he slaps the apples she spent so much time carving out of her hands as she visited him and tried to feed him at the hospital. 

I’m sure I don’t have to mention the actual attempted murder at the summit to anybody so that’s all I’ll say about it for now. Now back to Sasuke’s overall story as I prepare to close. The summit was probably the biggest chance to turn Sasuke into an admirable character in fans eyes. 

Instead what Kishi does is comepletely wreck his character, so he can be the antagonist and be saved by Naruto. There’s even this little comparison by Karin where she see’s how evil and corrupt Sasuke is, another innocent he tried to kill, and then sees how pure Naruto’s soul is. It was ridiculous. I understand Naruto is the hero of the story, but that never meant Sasuke HAD to be the villain.

He even turns the entire situation with Danzo and his orders to have the Uchiha clan annihilated into a complete mess. Sasuke has gone batshit, and rather than being a person trying to do right by his clan and his brother’s memory, Kishi turns him into this absolute fiend who will murder even his own allies just to make some silly point based on a story told him by a guy who’s real faces he’s never seen even once. A guy who wasn’t even the real Madara Uchiha. As if Sasuke was never strong enough to separate himself from his emotions and what he believes is right. Itachi was already dying and he wanted Sasuke  to kill him as atonement. He killed the uchiha in favor of the leaf why would he want Sasuke to destroy the village.

If he were written properly Sasuke would’ve killed Danzo and walked his own path, facing Naruto one final time and either dying or leaving all of that mess behind. It would’ve been fine for him to return to the village if he there to sow seed and start a new with the Uchiha clan. Instead he's a glorified prize for Sakura and Sasusaku fans, as well as someone Naruto basically stalked for 2 years just to force him to not even be in the picture anyway.

As I said in the beginning, or someone in the middle maybe. Sasuke was at his best when he was written as an independent character walking his own path and sacrificing what mattered most to him in favor of doing right by his people, his family, his clan. I thank anyone who made it to the bottom of this post.

[mrsbenedictbridgerton]

Love, jealousy (and other inappropriate feelings)

Here it is! My jealously one-shot I’ve been ruminating over!

Best friends shouldn't fall in love. But she has. And now it's just complicated.

Also on FF.NET and AO3  

A wedding was supposed to be a time for happiness and good cheer. Well, at least that’s what Emma supposes, having only ever been to one wedding before she arrived in Storybrooke and that was in Vegas when she was dragged into a chapel by a drunk couple to be a witness. (She was technically working- trailing a skip - but the pleading puppy dog eyes of the young bride were enough to make her sacrifice a half hour of her time.)

Literature, movies and goddamn society were insistent that a merry time be had on the occasion that two people decided to legally entwine their lives - and so she would. Aided by vodka.

She should be happy. And really she is - hell, her one of her best friends was marrying the love of her life (and though Emma still balked at that term in general, for Mary Margaret Blanchard and David Nolan she was happy to give a pass).

But really, it was awful, terrible, horrendous timing. Because just as one couple was making the ultimate commitment, Emma herself was realizing that she was in love with her best friend. And he couldn’t be more oblivious.

“Another vodka,” she snaps at the bartender when he walks past her spot - propping up the bar with a perfect view of the entire banqueting suite which was housing the wedding reception. He gives her a dirty look until she flashes him a quick, apologetic smile. “Sorry,” she adds, with a shrug.

There is a bottle of Grey Goose before her a moment later, a generous measure being poured into her glass.

“Not a fan of weddings?” he asks.

“Something like that,” she replies with a grimace.

The wedding itself had actually been pretty painless. She was a bridesmaid and that had thankfully kept her busy (and away from Killian). But now the speeches were over and everyone was mingling and dancing. Now she was left with her thoughts. And they were troubling.

Understanding that you are besotted with someone should surely be an epiphany that occurs at a momentous moment where the stars aline and the world suddenly makes sense. Maybe atop a mountain or while watching a beautiful sunset. But no . This moment for Emma had happened only a few nights ago while sitting on her past-its-prime couch. Killian Jones (being the he in this equation) was at her place sharing their usual order of Chinese take out and bingeing on Netflix while talking about the upcoming wedding. Then-

Bam.

Just like that. It hit her: hard. Love. Pure and simple.

She’d been in love before so she knew it within a heartbeat of the feelings emerging. Still, she wasn't entirely sure what had sparked it. Was it a smile he had given her? Maybe it was something he said… she'd never be certain. What she did know was that right then a cascade of affection and want took hold- and every interaction between them since that moment had been awkward and stilted (for her at least). She was pretty sure he’d noticed, especially when she’d called him from the sheriff’s station to cancel their plans for lunch the day before the wedding.

Looking at him now made her insides turn liquid and her cheeks blush so much she’d taken to wearing an extra layer of foundation. Honestly, she wasn’t quite sure how she had made it through the times when he had looked her in the eyes that night (six times- she’d counted). Within hours, the first understanding of love had multiplied and snowballed until she was in so deep that if felt like it had always been that way.

She loved him fiercely, hungrily, unrequitedly. Because Killian Jones - king of flirtation and innuendo - had never so much as cast a hungry glance in her direction. He just was not interested in her beyond friendship. Of that she was certain.

So now, here she was, vodka in hand watching her best friend flirt up a storm on the dance floor, whilst wondering if she had fucked things up between them by falling in love.

“Deputy, if you stare any harder you might turn green.”

Emma yanks her head in the direction of the voice. It was David - the groom and Sheriff of the small town (and therefore her boss). “No idea what you are talking about,” she quips as she blushes at the insinuation.

He gives her an amused smile as he asks the bartender for a glass of water. “You should go dance. You know Killian’s good for at least one dance for his best friend.” He raises his eyebrows as he speaks.

“His hands look pretty busy to me.”

His hands are - at that moment - wrapped around the waist of a busty brunette who was clearly finding whatever he was whispering into her ear hilarious. With a grimace, she looks away. It had never really bothered her (that much) before, her best friends popularity with the ladies. He was handsome as hell and utterly charming- when he wanted to be. Now, though, seeing him within striking distance of an available woman was leaving her sick to her stomach.

“Shouldn’t you be off being disgustingly happy with your wife?”

This smile he gives her is different: genuine and warm, filled with the love she knows he feels. “She’s dancing with her father,” he explains, nodding in the direction of the lace clad bride who was gliding across the dancefloor.

“She looks so happy,” Emma sighs softly to herself, a faint type of jealousy washing over her (because she’d pretty sure a white dress and a fancy wedding is not going to be a fixture of her future).

“Yeah, love does that. You should try it sometime.” He gives her another pointed look, before adding. “It’s a wedding Emma, go have fun. And by that I mean interact with someone other than the bartender.”

“I’m off the clock, you can’t order me around boss.”

He shrugs and begins to walk away. “Advice from a friend, Emma. Advice from a friend.”

/

A few songs later a pretty little redhead is in his arms. He’s spinning her around and Emma feels more nauseous than she can blame on the vodka. She’s on her fourth vodka now and they’ve done quite the number on her emotions.

David’s less than subtle jostling had riled her up more than ever. He’d teased her about Jones many times.

They were a strange pairing. She got that. The bail bonds person who had fallen in love with a little town and ended up taking on the vacant deputy role and the owner of a small charter business who’d landed in the town from who knows where barely six months before she had. She understood. They were both still a curiosity: even after almost three year in Storybrooke, she’d (and he’d) always be a bit of an outsider and therefore the subject of town gossip. But from David, she didn’t mind so much. She in turn ribbed him often about his fairytale romance with the local school teacher who was now his bride.

Now his words were taking on a more tart flavour. He had insisted on numerous occasions that there something more to the friendship between Emma and Killian. Of course, he was wrong.

But now he isn’t anymore and she just can’t sit here and watch him be like that with other women.

“Fuck it,” she mutters, slamming back the last drink before heading to the dancefloor.

/

If Emma Swan thought she was being inconspicuous in her avoidance of him, she was sorely mistaken. In fact Killian Jones has spent quite a portion of the evening so far watching her out of the corner of his eye as she first sulked over a glass of champagne and then took residence over at bar with a glass of something strong dangling between her finger and thumb.

He wants to approach her but something is stopping him. He isn’t really sure what exactly that is, but he knows that Emma has been acting weird for the past few days. While he tosses up the pros and cons of approaching his best friend he dances with the single ladies - the ones Mary Margaret works with and David’s numerous cousins who all seem incapable of finding an alternative partner and instead fuss about him like little formal-wear attired bees. The attention is a little stroke to his ego (he knows he looks good in the black tux - that’s why he wore it), but instead of enjoying the moment, he plasters on a fake smile and lets those same, tired lines slip from his tongue as his mind remains otherwise occupied.

/

He loses sight of her.

He’s dancing with Mary Margaret’s second cousin ( Christ these families are huge) when he finally manages to hand the lady off onto one of the groomsmen. He’s been on that damn dancefloor an hour and he needs a drink of something cold and refreshing. And he wants to find Emma.

Ordering a shot of rum and a glass of ice water, his eyes scan the room.

There she is. He can see the back of her head and the blue of her dress. On the other side of the dance floor, no wonder he hadn’t seen her. He feels… relieved. She’s his closest friend and the distance that he feels opening up between them is unpleasant. He just wants to talk to her and for it to be like it was, well, before… before...

Wait.

His eyes grow wide when he looks closer.

She’s got her arms around the neck of some guy in a cheap, department store suit. They’re toe to toe and he can see, even from here, that she’s a little tipsy from the way she’s swaying a little on her heels.

He doesn’t know the guy and he frowns as he sips at the ice water. He doesn’t like the way his hands are at her waist, but dangerously close to slipping over her ass. He doesn’t like the way her hands are toying with the hair at the nape of his neck.

He doesn’t like the way she is gazing into his eyes-

And then reaching up onto her toes-

Killian’s by her side in an indecent amount of time. Not fast enough though, as she’d kissing this bloke, clinging to him like it’s closing time at the bar, not just past nine pm.

“That’s enough,” he grunts, taking her hand and tugging it from the guys neck.

(Maybe that was a bit of a dick move, but he wasn’t exactly thinking straight-)

The confused expression she is wearing when she looks at him, is quickly replaced by a scowl.

“What the fuck Killian?”

Her conquest tosses him a pissed-off look.

The muscles in his jaw flicker as he clenches his teeth together. Mr who-knows-who is a brown-haired guy, about his height but with darker eyes and a disheveled tie that he figures she was tugging on. “Scram,” he spits, looking back to Emma. “You’re drunk.”

“Not that drunk,” she retorts, trying to keep ahold of her make-out buddy who is looking pretty uncomfortable.

“I don’t think you know what you are doing right now, love.”

She lets out a snort of laughter. “Says you. Just how many women have you been sleazing with on the dance floor?” Her head rolls back as she chuckles. The guy lets go of her and holds up his hands.

“ Sleazing? ”

Emma’s make out partner takes his moment to leave, gesturing between the pair, “Yeah, I do not what to get in the middle of whatever this is.”

Emma’s mouth falls open as he makes a quick exit. Killian instantly feels calmer. Until he sees Emma’s steaming expression.

“Seriously?”

And then she storms off in a flurry of ice blue silk.

/

Then he got it.

As he watched her stomp away in heels (like a boss - damn she could strut when she was mad) he understood what had propelled him to behave like that.

He wasn’t used to seeing Emma showing interest in anyone. She’d been pretty straight with him about her past and how she was more than happy flying solo and he had never actually seen her solicit a man’s attention, never mind get that up close and personal with one.

And that was why his reaction was so out of the blue: it was a feeling he’d had when he saw her with another guy. That clawing, sickening sensation - like the world was off it’s kilter- like nails on a blackboard- like a jackhammer in his brain-

The idea that Emma Swan was making moves on someone could not be stood for. He couldn’t watch her flirt and kiss - and maybe leave - with someone. The feeling had crawled under his skin and into his stomach, hardening like a stone.

It was not a feeling that he had a huge amount of experience in.

Jealousy.

/

How dare he.

Emma finds a little anteroom adjacent to the washrooms. She can’t really deal with a bunch of happy wedding goers right now and wants to take a moment to brood solo.

That guy had been her ticket to a night of not mooning over Jones. He was some ex-college buddy of David’s (translation: he lived in Virginia and she never had to see him again). He was fast coming with the compliments about her dress, hair - self in general. And he looked, well. He looked fine enough.

She clenches and unclenches her fists. Momentarily, her new-found love for Killian is replaced with the rage that he had thought it necessary to try and be all ‘father figure’ on her. Tell her she’s had too many drinks? Try and shoo the guy away?

It’s all a bit much.

And then the door opens.

/

He’s following her into the room before he has really decided why.

“Leave me alone!” she snaps, eyes blazing, cheeks red with fury.

He doesn’t. Instead, he closes the door behind him.

He lifts his hands, as if to say something, but then drops them.

Emma rolls her eyes and folds her arms haughtily. Whatever he is up to, she is not in the mood for. He’s not moving.

“Fine - then I’ll leave!”

She stomps towards the exit, only stopping when his hand reaches out and rests on her shoulder. She let’s out a sharp breath at the feel of his skin touching her skin. Then she snaps her gaze to meet his.

“What?”

Killian still can’t seem to form words. Instead, he recoils his hand, each finger suddenly feeling as if it were electrified. She’s staring at him like she’s mad, but also confused and he doesn’t blame her. The last few minutes don’t make much sense to him either.

“Sorry?” he finally whispers.

Her face scrunches up. “ You’re sorry, or you’re asking if I am?”

If she thought she had been acting weird around him, he now takes the award for most strange behaviour.

Killian’s thoughts are struggling to catch up with the situation and he shrugs wordlessly.

Emma rolls her eyes.

“I’m going to the bar, why don’t you head back to one of your dancing partners. They seemed eager for your time. I’m not .”

There’s a hint of spite that he can’t ignore. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?” he suddenly snaps.

The furor that brought forth those words deflates a little and she looks away. She can’t look at his face. “Nothing,” she mutters. This is not a conversation she want to have now (or possibly ever).

She makes to leave. Maybe she can salvage something with that guy. He did seem very interested. Regardless, she needs to remove herself from this small room-

“Just wait a minute,” he pleads as she moves for the door.

“We can talk about this later, Jones.”

“No. I want to talk about it now.”

“Fine,” she snaps. “So talk.”

He knows he needs to apologise.

Hell, Emma Swan is the best friend he has had, maybe ever. Since she came to this little town, she’d switched a little light on inside him. The brooding, lonesome man he was a few years ago was barely recogniseable. Now he had friends (plural), people who cared about him- And he traced it all back to her and their inopportune meeting after a fender bender on Main Street.

“I saw you and- I thought-” he shakes his head. “I was an ass. Sorry.”

Giving him a curt nod, her arms fall from their defensive position. “You were.”

Then her heart begins to hurt a little because he’s wearing such a sad expression - and damn, he must really feel sorry-

“I can take care of myself,” she says softly.

He nods. “And choose who to… date .”

She rolls her eyes again. Of course he would take 2 and 2 and make 17. “I wasn’t looking for someone to date, Killian.”

“Oh,” he sighs. Then he frowns. Then their eyes meet-

And he gets it.

He doesn’t want anyone to kiss, date, or do anything else with Emma Swan.

Because he wants to.

He’s exhaling as he watches her eyes go wide.

“What?” she asks.

He’s looking to deflect, trying to think-

“So just a one off then?”

“Yeah. Surely you won’t have a problem with that.”

“I…”

“Killian, I’ve watched you flirt with just about everyone woman in Storybrooke.”

“That’s different-”

“Why? Because you’re a guy, please-”

“No, that’s not what I meant. You have to know I have no interest in those lasses.”

“Could’ve fooled me.”

And he’s pretty sure she’s going to leave then- the way she shifts on her feet-

“If I’m interested in a woman, I don’t waste time on meaningless flirting Emma.” He takes a step forward and she eyes him carefully. “I’m direct.”

And then the atmosphere changes. It thickens and grows warmer. She’s feeling the same way she had on that couch a few days before, the churning - not exactly unpleasant- and the chill on her skin.

“I was jealous,” he admits, his voice low.

“Jealous?” She pants the word, the air suddenly becoming to difficult to breathe.

Killian shrugs. “I didn’t want you to kiss him.”

“You didn’t-”

“I didn’t want you to touch the bastard.”

His voice has an edge, almost a growl. He’d full on facing her now and she’s frozen for a second as she stares into his eyes and tries to figure out what all this means.

Then she takes a step back. “I don’t understand- I saw you on the dancefloor. You had your hands all over more than one girl. Why the hell would you care what I do?”

She knows what she wants the answer to be. That’s why her heart is racing. But that’s not possible. He’s just being overprotective. Like a good friend. A brother, almost.

“I do. Now . I didn’t get it, it took seeing you-”

He’s closed the gap between them. She’s suddenly wrapped up in him: he’s so close, so near, as he has been a thousand times before. But it’s different.

“I don’t want you to kiss anyone else, Swan.”

“You don’t?” she squeaks, a sudden lightheadedness overcoming her. It’s like she’s ten feet tall and her feet aren’t touching the ground.

He shakes his head and she’s pretty sure this must be a dream (or a hallucination).

(And if that’s the case, there is nothing to lose.)

“I have a confession.”

His face moves closer to hers. His breath hitches. She’s looking at him like she never has before.

She’s so beautiful. He’d not allowed himself to dwell on that before. But now he can appreciate it. The green of her eyes, The curve of her nose. The pink bud of her mouth.

“I don’t want you to kiss anyone else either.”

He tries to bite back a smile.

(He fails.)

“Then who do you want me to kiss? A man needs his kisses.”

He knows he’s teasing her. He knows he could be totally misreading this situation. But then she’s looking at his lips.

“I have a few suggestions.”

Oh that sounded flirty, she thinks as she watches him raise a brow in the way that always makes her laugh. Brave (stupid), she takes of the lapels of his jacket, running her thumb over the fine wool. He always dresses nicely. She appreciates that.

He cocks his head to one side: part playfully, part nervous reaction.

“I have a few myself,” he whispers.

With more than a hint of trepidation, he threads his hand into her hair, cupping the side of her head.

There would be later a discussion about who kissed who first. But right now, that was the last thought in Emma Swan’s mind. Instead, she was focused on just how right it feels when their lips meet. Just how softly he kisses her. Just how wonderful it is when she pulls herself flush against him. How he tastes like rum and peppermint gum. How she wishes she’d kissed him months ( years ) earlier.

Killian, is a little further behind in the processing of his emotions.

But he catches up pretty damn quick.

He feels the need for her. He feels the want. The tug. The yearning for more as he deepens the kiss. The-

Love.

He loves her.

That is the real revelation.

He loves her smile. He loves her laugh. He loves her wit.

He loves the way she kisses. He loved the way she sways into him as he holds her tightly.

He loves her.

She is dizzy when they stop for air, wobbling a little on the stiletto heels she is wearing. She lays her palms flat on his chest and takes a moment to collect her thoughts.

She isn’t sure just what to say.

It’s Killian though who speaks. “This is all a little crazy.’

She nods at his words. That will do.

“Kinda.”

He strokes her cheek and she swears she has never seen this side of him. He’s so tender. She just… wants. So much.

“I think, perhaps, this is long overdue?”

Emma nods and hums her agreement. Then she thinks a moment.

“I’m in love with you, Killian Jones.”

Her heart skips a few beats as she waits for him to reply.

“You are?”

She nods as he pulls her into his arms. “Well that’s lucky. Because I’m in love with you.”

If a heart could burst from happiness, Emma was sure hers would have. They share another kiss. God she loves kissing him. Touching him.

(She wants to do much, much more to him…)

“How is this going to work?” she finally asks, when their lips are bruised and her hair is tangled from his fingers.

“I have no idea,” he admits, gazing into her green eyes and wondering why it took him so long to understand that he is in love with this very best friend. “But I’m excited to find out.”

Emma smiles. She’s excited too. (Actually, she still doesn’t think this is real. That he loves her. It’s so… strange.)

“How about we start by getting out of here?”

“Not want to share our news with the happy couple?”

Emma snorts with laughter. She thinks she can wait for David’s smug response.

“I think we need some alone time.”

He raises his brows and she just wants to kiss the smile from his face.

(She can do that now, can’t she?)

“Not that kind of alone time,” she teases.

“I would never presume,” he laughs as he leads her to the door.

/

He does presume.

So does she.

Well, they do have three years of wasted time to make up.

/

(David was very smug.)

Emma couldn’t find it within her to care.

/

He loves her.

She loves him.

A/N: Thank you for reading!

@cat-sophia @totheendoftheworldortime @captainswanismyendgame

[godsandvillainsrpg-blog]

ZAINE CHAMBERS twenty-two ♱ medical student + benefactor ♱ lefevre

“You are so pure, and it has nothing to do with your eyes or your smile, everything to do with your heart, all torn and weathered on your shirt for the entire world to see, so they can tear it up some more. You are so golden, and I fear that you don’t know how good you are - oh my, you are so good - because you cry when you get home most days, and you can’t lift your body from the ground. Is your body heavy from the people who have walked all over it? Why did no one help you? You are so kind, so kind, so kind to everyone that you forget to be kind to yourself.”

WE ARE PLAYING A GAME OF EMPIRES

When two souls, both powerful and depraved, combine it should result in a product even more dastardly than its elements. For Harland and Celine Chambers, though, it would not come to pass. Rather, their sins and their strength only managed to cancel each other out. Into this marriage built on a religion of twisted self-divinity, a child of virtue was born.

To his parents, Zaine has always been considered some cosmic joke. For years, his parents waited with impatience to see their eldest and only son shed his softness and put on the armor of supremacy he was destined for. But this boy possessed a heart of gold, and it would not be so easily conquered, not even by the combined will and wickedness of both his parents. Zaine’s plague was kindness, and it was incurable. But even this burden, as righteous as it may seem, came with its fair share of demons.

Whereas his family saw people as pawns – there for convenience and opportunity, to be disposed of when they no longer provided either – he saw their humanity. In all his years, Zaine has yet to meet a person he could not empathize with, one he did not find fascinating and worthy of his kindness and attention. A concept altogether foreign to his family, Zaine cares deeply about people. But this level of empathy comes at a price. The capacity to feel so deeply leaves Zaine emotionally drained. He is so used to playing the comforter, the one others unload to, but he has no outlet for himself. These feelings build up, wound so tightly that some days he wonders if his brain or his heart may actually explode from the pressure.

This was how he has spent the majority of his life. In his family, he took on the natural role of the mediator, even for those who reject his attempts to harmonize them. It is desperately important to him that conflicts be resolved. At his core, Zaine is a people pleaser, and he always has been. Even as a child, he was mocked as being the teacher’s pet. He was the one kid who made sure everyone received a Valentine (a practice that was actually uncommon at his elite private school) and made sure everyone was invited to his birthday parties. This desire for acceptance was only magnified when applied to his family, and most especially his parents. There was no question in his mind that he was not the son they had envisioned or hoped for. Zaine would not be the man to bring others to their knees, to thrive on the seduction of power; he was quite the opposite, actually. And he has spent all of his life trying to make up for that fact – but to no avail.

Harland has never known how to interact with him, while Celine disdains his existence. No matter what he does, he cannot be the son they want, and though he manages to hide it well, the fact cripples him. He is debilitated by the incessant thoughts that his parents wish he was never born. It haunts him, and he is plagued by inadequacy. But these are his deepest and darkest thoughts, and though they keep him awake at night, he shares them with no one. No one, that is, except one.

Despite the obvious incongruity of their values, Zaine has a certain co-dependence where his family is concerned. After high school, he moved out, but never did cut ties with his family. To say he has been on his own since eighteen would be a stretch, given the fact that he still lives as though he is under his parents’ roof. Perhaps it is the little boy in him still desperate for their approval, but when Zaine was not in class or with friends, he could always be found at the home where he grew up. He always imagined spending his days in the French countryside; the fast-paced city of Paris had never suited him. But the prospect of leaving his family was unthinkable, for one reason: it would mean he would never fulfill that which of highest important to him – their love.

This compulsion to make his family proud of him and accept him had an effect on his other personal relationships. After high school, he met a boy. Things between them were easy and simple, and Zaine often referred to him as his lifeline. But over time, Liam grew tired of competing for Zaine’s affection, even against those who never had any intention of returning it. Zaine ran himself ragged, perpetually jumping through hoops, and to what end? He was willing to sacrifice a relationship with someone who could actually love him, and it would be their undoing. For nearly three years, Liam had been the one to keep Zaine together, to keep him sane, but it was a burden the other boy was not prepared to maintain forever. This pattern of behavior was unsustainable, and though it a devastating blow to Zaine, he could not meet the demands of the boy he loved. He could not simply walk away from his family.

School had never been a real consideration for Zaine. His status kept him from any real need for an education. Harland would have likely pushed for law school, if he had any real interest in his son’s future, though his father probably saw little reason to seriously invest in Zaine’s career prosptects. Zaine, on the other hand, had always fancied the idea of medicine, in his mind, the ultimate caretaking role. Though he lacked the natural brilliance that some of his peers were blessed with, he made up for it in passion and ambition – perhaps the only traits he had rightfully inherited from his father. After the heartbreak of Liam, he needed a distraction, so he began the rigorous study for entrance exams.

It was during this time that his family announced their intention to leave for Rome. It was a shock to both he and Kiah. There was no expectation that Zaine would follow them, now that he was applying to medical schools, but the thought of being isolated from them was an impossible notion to bear. They did not ask him to come along, but he applied for school in Rome nonetheless. Whatever their reasons for going, he was sure they weren’t pure – nothing his parents ever devised was. He may have wanted nothing to do with this venture, but that was all the more reason for him to tag along.

Though he be virtuous, Zaine was not naïve. This city reeked of corruption, and so did his family. It was not difficult for Zaine to begin to connect the dots, to see how Christian and his new wife played into this scheme. As for the details, he wanted nothing to do with it. They were not only harboring criminals, they were paying for them to commit the most heinous of deeds. Knowing his input would not welcomed or received, he kept his mouth shut, still refusing to even acknowledge such a dark hobby.

Rather than take part in the new family business, Zaine has once again filled the role of caretaker. Though school remains his central focus, he has found himself reaching out to those who he deems in need of a gentle hand; and, in these new recruits, there are many. But the one person Zaine had not anticipated finding a place in his heart was Salvatore.

The other boy was a stranger when the two first met, and fate had once again dealt him a losing hand, though initially in disguise. His last name meant nothing at first, and naturally Zaine had not mentioned his mother’s family name. Sal was different from the other boys Zaine had fallen for; he was set apart because not only could he empathize, he could commiserate. They shared a desire to make their families proud, as well as an inability to do so. He may have been comforted in the past by Liam, but never had Zaine had someone who truly understood his struggle. This was solace, and the two quickly forged a bond – one that would not be broken even when he realized they were meant to be on opposite sides of this new battleground.

The inner torment Zaine struggles with now is of a different nature. Now that he has found a soulmate, he cannot imagine giving him up. Liam was one thing, but Salvatore? It has only been such a short time, and already he feels attached. The problem is the closer the two of them get, the more Zaine can feel Sal pushing him away. Their predicament is not an easy one, but now that Zaine has found someone able to fulfill him like no one else has, he is not so willing to give that up.

TAKE NO PRISONERS, LEAVE NO SCARS

LOVE No stranger at all to relationships, Zaine has had many boyfriends over the course of his young life. He is a sweet and caring guy, but he does come with some major baggage. Salvatore is the first person he has ever been with who is unbothered by his family problems…even if only because the other boy shares the same issues himself. It may be too soon to call it love, but Zaine already knows he cares about him more fiercely than he has anyone else ever before. He knows Sal cares about him too, despite his hot and cold nature. And Zaine is so intoxicated by the other boy, he is not willing to let him slip away.

LEGACY However much Zaine cherishes his parents, he knows they will never love him the way he desires. Harland finds every aspect of his son confusing, if not downright loathsome. Meanwhile, Celine will simply have nothing at all to do with him. He has happened to find somewhat of a kinship with his sister Kiah, though even she is not always open to his affection. His cousin Valencia, despite her hard exterior, is the closes to a friend within the family that he has. She is a straight shooter and though she makes no secret of how badly she wishes to emanate his mother, she has a good heart. Nico may new to the family, but Zaine has already begun to embrace him as one of the family. Still, he must be careful, otherwise he could alienate Val, who he knows secretly feels threatened by the sudden appearance of her “brother.” Lucien has always been somewhat of a mysterious figure, though he is remains close with Zaine’s mother. His uncle’s disapproval is not difficult to ascertain, but then it is not easily attained. His aunt Selena, however, is more like a mother to him than his own, and for that he is thankful. He could never understand why Valencia would envy his mother, while taking her own for granted. The two do share a close relationship, and he is glad at least someone else in the family shares his soft-heartedness.

ALLIES It is still too soon for Zaine to have made many friends – or allies. Miles is one Zaine almost immediately reached out to. Their discomfort was easy for him to pick up on, and in true Zaine style, he wants to make them feel welcomed. This family is not an easy one to fit into, and Zaine tries to make the transition as easy as possible, even if Miles may not seem interested in his help. Another new friend he has managed to make is Elijah. It is almost surreal to him, how Elijah can take this business so light-heartedly. Regardless, he is glad to have made a new friend, even in the most surprising of places.

ENEMIES It is not easy at all to be marked as an enemy in Zaine’s book. He is supposed to hate the Gordanos, he supposes, for the sake of family obligation…but his strong ties to Salvatore make even that difficult for him. Ideally, this feud would be put to rest and the whole thing settled. He is a lover, not a fighter, and that mantra rings true for every person involved in this pointless war.

THE REST At the top of Zaine’s to-rescue list is Killian. They have some serious issues, and Zaine knows he cannot even begin to imagine everything this kid has been through. He can sense a tortured past, though Killian refuses to let any of it show; Zaine wonders if they have ever been shown any ounce of kindness or love in their entire existence. He knows he cannot make up for a lifetime of evil, but he wants to at least try. And though Christian is his uncle, he hardly knows him – and meanwhile, he wonders if he knows how his mother and uncle play him like a marionette, not that Zaine himself would ever intercede to tell him so.

ZAINE is potrayed by JACOB ARTIST. He is currently UNAVAILABLE for auditions.

[wm-ta-d-blog]

Why I quit my daycare job...

Story #1: Why I quit my daycare:

Hi guys, what’s up? I’m sorry it’s been so long since I got in contact again. I remember mentioning in my very first entry that I wanted to talk to you guys about the reasons why I wound up quitting a job that I really loved. I don’t know if anyone will ever look at these, but just remember that everything I say is super honest and every time I write these stories it’s more of a relaxing therapeutic exercise than anything else.

So before I get started, a little background on me and where I used to work: I live in Phoenix, Arizona, I was born in Michigan and raised in Kentucky. Although I never lived in the city before, I actually enjoy it a lot. I love being surrounded by people that don’t talk to me just because of the fact that I have social anxiety and I consider a slight wave to be human interaction… which is sad. There are things about me that are like inner demons that I battle, this relates to this story in particular because there are some of them that include being too sensitive, or judgmental, but the biggest that trumps them all is when someone gets in my face and tries to be mean to me and I don’t stand up for myself.

This guy is the biggest of them all because I was bullied in school like crazy. From about 6-9th grade I was this annoying little girl who was weak, over sensitive, dramatic, and awkward. I remember the years before that I was always the first one to volunteer myself to do things, I sang in front of anyone at any time, I would dance and laugh and play sports but that was robbed from me in my teenage years. One day I might go into that aspect of my life, but just know that when someone is mean to me and I don’t stand up for myself, it bothers me for years because it’s like a trigger of some sort. I go from being this beautiful and wonderful woman back to that little dork who everyone thought was ugly with glasses.

So now a little bit about my job that I just quit. I was an assistant teacher for children ages 12-35 months. Within my first week of working there I bonded with all of the kids. I remember being incapable of being sad when they were around me because I just loved them so much. There was this one little boy though, and his name was Mani (this is a nickname, I don’t want to say what his name really is but if you can guess it based on what I gave you, good for you.) Mani was so young but he was crazy. He was only about a year and a half old but one of those kids, where he needed a fully functioning staffed daycare just for himself. Because of his recklessness (that his mother was fully aware of) his shoes and socks were constantly pulled off, he was the one to climb tables, and chairs and open doors and escape, and he would scream in my students faces and hit, punch, bite, and kick (he was mostly known for stealing food and making kids cry in general.) I remember once in particular, his mother picked him up from school and she literally got sucker punched in the face for telling him not to bite students anymore. So with all this being said, excuse me for not liking him in particular.

Now, within my last weeks of working at the daycare, I was put on a new schedule where I would work only three days a week but 12 hours each day. So, the whole mess with Mani started when we got a new “experienced” employee for the one year old class, (I put quotations because she fucking sucks, which I’ll talk about why later) This employee in particular, we’ll name her Carry (nickname), was very mean to the kids. In fact, if they didn’t listen to her, they wouldn’t get snack. She was also known for pushing and pulling and being too rough. I worked Wednesday-Friday and on Wednesday instead of working at 06:00, they had me come in at 14:30, apparently earlier that morning Mani had an accident report which I knew nothing about. After repeated asking, I found out that Carry was outside WITH OUR DIRECTOR and Mani threw a fit over not receiving a bike, he apparently abruptly threw himself onto the concrete and tripped over his jacket and busted his lip. (Likely story, right?) so, Carry of course leaves early and I’m faced with his angry mother a few hours later. What really got to me and his mother both is that although APPARENTLY he bled very little, Carry changed his shirt AND pants. So, of course this mother comes at me agitated:

“Oh my God, what the Hell is going on here? He is changed in different clothes and his lip is busted? How did that happen?” she said with frustration and a hint of sarcasm that I was incredibly sympathetic and understanding about.

“I’m so sorry, I don’t know what happened exactly but from what I understand he was playing and he fell onto the concrete. I know how frustrated you must be but I promise it won’t happen anymore.” Was close to my response to her statement.

She rolled her eyes at me, said whatever, and scooped up her child who was actually fighting her and screaming because I guess he didn’t want to leave.

So, it was one of those situations where I wiped the sweat off of my brow and said “phew” aloud. My boss is this woman who speaks little English and is from India, so she has trouble understanding what people are trying to say to her, so when she approached me after Mani left, she was quite overwhelmed and panicked. I assured her that day that I, personally, would spent an extra amount of effort to ensure that he was safe under my care. Now that I think about it, it was quite stressful because at the time I was dealing with bad grades in school as well.

Nonetheless, I held up my share of safety, but I can’t say that for anyone else, really.

So, the next day was Friday and Mani was already in school. I was at work by seven in the morning and thankful that I didn’t have to deal with his mother again. Before I continue with the story, I would like to list some of my coworkers who are important: Anna and Sonta.

Anna is this girl who is a year older than me, she has a son named Josiah and I admire her for being the way she is. She’s an amazing mother and she’s always down for whatever shift she gets at our daycare. She’s reliable, sweet and really fun to work with. I have this really big crush on her and this is a little embarrassing to say, but to me she was like this Latin princess kind of girl with really pretty black hair. For some reason my boss and director hated her and because of that she felt like she wanted to quit, I would always try to steer her away from that train of thought because I loved both her and her son and if she wasn’t there, who would I stare at all day?

Sonta, on the other hand, is like one of my very first black friends, haha. She was my partner in crime and my teaching buddy for the one year olds. I respected and loved her because she was a year younger than me, but she is focused and about as wise as they come. She was the first nineteen year old girl that I knew who sincerely had her life together while also being really fun and easy going. She was also a crucial friend in my life who constantly supported me, told me she loved me, and hugged me when I cried.

Although I hated the majority of my coworkers… that wasn’t the case for these two.

So, back to the story… I had Mani in my one year old class. The ratio is 6:1 but I began to realize that at about 8:30, we were at 7:1 and then 8:1 and then 12:1 and then 14:1. I was on the verge of tears in my room trying to control all of these kids at once. Sonta wasn’t expected to show up until 14:00 and all of the teachers called out besides me and another insignificant employee named Jess. As it was, she had two year olds but she had like 18. My boss walked into my chaos and I begged her to call Anna to come in but she refused. So, in frustration I texted my director to send Anna in. She did immediately, and Jess came into my class and we handled like 25 kids together (ratio 12:2) at this point (around 13:00), I was quite impressed because Mr. Mani Monster was still unharmed and quite frankly just chilling out. So, fast forward a couple hours, Jess went home and Sonta was with me and we were losing more and more kids because it was about two hours from closing time. I was having a really good day, despite the chaos and Mani was still doing really well, (although I had to save him quite a few times)

They go outside for an hour every day to play while their parents pick the majority of them up to go home. At this point in time, Sonta and I had the one year olds and Anna had Mani with the two year olds (which isn’t okay, but our daycare was known for doing that because Mani was too rough with most of the kids his age) Sonta and I are playing with the kids, having races and really enjoying the nice day when all of a sudden Anna let’s all of her kids into our playground and I see Mani actually covered in blood trying to escape. So apparently what happened in the 15 minutes this kid was away from me was Anna was up on the playground doing “slide control” when Mani slid on his belly while Anna wasn’t looking and kind of got air off the slide before he landed on his stomach and ultimately recut his lip.

Sonta didn’t understand why I was immediately panicked but I got this real life sinking feeling in my stomach that today wouldn’t be so nice anymore. Anna was reluctant to write an accident report because she was scared she would get fired but I talked her into it because it needed to be done. I remember Anna passing it to our director who instantly blamed everyone but herself (even though it was her wishes to send Mani on the more dangerous playground) and I couldn’t help but feel sorry for Anna. Once the director called Mani’s mother she said nothing and hung up the phone. Our director began to show restlessness as she raised her voice at us for sitting at the playground (although no one was sitting) As a half hour passed by, my frustration and nervousness grew because I knew that I went above and beyond to keep him safe that day. I even went as far as putting a child I was changing on the ground to quickly scoop him up from trying to jump off of a table. I began to blame my management because 25 kids were in one room all together whose intended occupancy was about 15.

And even when we brought him back inside to wait for his mother, he had to stay on my lap because he was still being reckless and trying to bite and kick. I couldn’t help but think that she had to understand what happened; she had to understand that her son was kicked out of three daycares before this one and that he’s a wild child. I mean, how couldn’t she? On the bright side, I didn’t expect her to come until later and I was about five minutes away from leaving. I didn’t want to leave Sonta with this big mess, but my anxiety was already raging and I knew a panic attack would come soon if my heart didn’t stop beating so heavily.

My thoughts were interrupted with the baby room teacher opening our door and yelling, “Oh man, you guys, Mani’s mom is here.” Just my luck. With that being said, it was go time and I felt as though I was preparing for some kind of war. I had him in my arms and I got his daily log and art together. I started to calm down a little when I saw Sonta in the corner with the kids, I knew that I had to be brave and I knew she had my back. (I know all of this sounds so dramatic but it really was, I was so angry at myself for not being as brave as I wanted, but I later realized there was nothing I could do to help the situation.)

This woman literally busted through our door seconds after I calmed myself down. Every one of my little crazy one year olds were too afraid to move. Mani didn’t even want his mother so that he could go home at this point.

She shouted, “What the fuck happened here, his goddamn clothes are changed again. What’s up with you stupid bitches not watching him?”

My heart jumped in my throat as I tried to walk towards this furious woman and hand her, her child who protested and tried to stay with me. I replied, “Here, I promise we did try to watch him all day.” As I was walking back to get his paper, it was like something in her brain caught fire and she was more furious than I ever saw anyone.

“Here? HERE? You have attitude with me, you little bitch. Why are you not apologizing to me? What the fuck is up with all of you stupid bitches, are you incapable of watching children? Are you all stupid? What do you do all day? Don’t you have a kid, you irresponsible little fuck?”

When I gave her his paper and she ripped it out of my hand and crumpled it, throwing it to the ground it is like all the bravery was swept from my mind. I thought that this woman, who was waiting for me to reply, was going to punch me in the face. I looked at Mani who was trying to get away from his mother and saw a fear in him that made me so sad. The children behind me began to whimper and one of the parents were hiding in the doorway, waiting to pick up his child but too horrified to move.

A new circuit went off in my brain, and it was one where I continuously said I was sorry and tried to convince her that we weren’t watching him because he was in a different playground when this occurred… I wanted to tell her how hard I tried to keep her shitty little kid safe, I wanted to tell her how much I prayed she never came back, I wanted to tell her that she was scaring our kids, I wanted to tell her to stop being so trashy, I wanted to tell her that she was only embarrassing herself, but all that came out was “I’m sorry, but I’m sorry but I’m sorry but I’m sorry but we weren’t there for the incident.”

I finally walked back to the changing table on the verge of tears when Sonta said “you’re yelling at the wrong teachers. He doesn’t get hurt with Kylie and I” (oh my god, I admired her for her bravery at this point. My sweet Sonta who was younger than me, telling her how it is. Saving my butt.)

But the mother didn’t want to know who did what. Even when Anna was brave enough to face the mother and tell her it was her fault that Mani got hurt, I was still her target. I was still the stupid little bitch. Eventually, my director came out from her hiding place and decided to diffuse the situation. She told her that she wasn’t being productive and she was basically dragged out of the daycare, still trying to yell at me for something I didn’t do.

I went home and cried about this situation for three days. This woman set off a trigger in me and it was like it couldn’t be turned off. I didn’t want to work there anymore, and I dreaded being around the children even though I loved them before, I felt like I was weak and stupid and the more I thought about it, the more outraged I became at my director for not having our backs. She allowed this woman to come in and almost fight me for something I tried all day to avoid.

I know that Mani’s mom had the right to be angry in general but I wish the director would have at least helped us to some degree. Would have had my back like Sonta had mine. The director proved how weak she was that day to me. And I could never have respect for her ever again. (I found out that she only came out because she heard the mother call us bitches repeatedly from the other side of the daycare)

Apparently the mother walked out of the daycare crying. I feel sorry for her for exploding the way she did and I don’t care if mothers come on here and try to justify what she did because it wasn’t right. There is no justifying cursing around children and calling the teachers who worked extra hard to keep your child safe, stupid bitches…

I can finally go to sleep knowing that this situation wasn’t my fault and that I will handle people being explosively angry with me with more grace.

Mani never came back and I’ll never know if it was because of him getting bad childcare (which he wasn’t) or her being embarrassed or a mix of them all. I just hope she understands that this will happen at any daycare she tries to go to until she decides to parent him differently.

A one year old should never exhibit abusive behavior like punching his own mother in the face for trying to discipline.

There are a lot of daycare things that I can deal with, but that was not one of them.

The end.