#the people that i've allowed to get close to me have only ever told me what a good friend i am to them

[here-there-were-dragons]

i have to wonder what super hardcore militant vegans think should be done about obligate carnivore animals, because in all my painfully-rapidly-approaching-30-years i've literally never actually seen anyone give a clear consistent much less halfway feasible answer on that

[girlbrainless]

i need people

[smileysuh]

aphrodisiac

🌙 starring. Mark Lee x afab!Reader I ft. Lee Donghyuck

🔮 preview. You kiss him softly at first, waiting to see how he reacts. Mark is frozen, but after a second, his hands pull you closer, his lips moving more urgently against your own. His tongue licks at you, and you open your mouth for him, accepting everything Mark is giving you on the dance floor. You hook your fingers in Mark’s belt, pulling his body flush to your own. He groans against your lips, deepening the kiss. It’s a struggle to breathe, a struggle to do anything but get lost in the demon hunter as he kisses you in a way you’ve never been kissed before. He tastes like rum, coke, and a deep longing that’s been brewing for much more than a week. His hands cradle you close, as if he never wants to let go, and you wonder for a moment if he’s wanted this for as many years as you have.

tw/cw. slight cnc (demon!Hyuck uses an aphrodisiac power to make reader and Mark fuck, but they've been into each other for years), weird voyeurism, weird demonic shows of dominance through dirty talk, dirty talk, breast worship, pussy worship, oral (f receiving), exhibitionism (fucking in a deserted alleyway), Mark has big dick energy in this, roughness, unprotected sex, slight overstimulation, face riding, aphrodisiac assisted powerful orgasms, multiple reader orgasms, death, etc…

👹 rating.18+ explicit I wc. 5.5k

🍭 aus. demon au, demon!Hyuck, demon hunter reader/Mark, childhood friends to semi-forced lovers, fake dating, hotel only has one bed, etc…

☀️ mlist + an. this is hella on the tame side of cnc since that's not generally something I've ever written, but I still wanted to include the warning since Hyuck uses his demonic powers to utilize the attraction Mark and reader have to each other to get them to fuck.

Prologue

Huddled with the two other girls enduring demon hunter training, your eyes are all fixed to the newest recruit. He’s small for a boy of his age, but it’s clear from the way he’s battering the test dummy that he has the physical endurance to excel. 

You’ve never seen a male train before, as generally the seasoned demon hunters take to training people of their own gender in their older age. Your current mentor, an older woman named Suki, has only ever taken on female pupils, until now.

“I know it’s not a regular occurrence,” she’d told you last week, “but my grandson needs to be trained, and I’m not sure I trust anyone else to do the job.”

While your study focuses primarily on speed, stamina, and quick sneak attacks, Mark Lee has done nothing but strength based work since he’s arrived. You’ve watched him hike up the mountain every day carrying heavier and heavier bags of sand. 

If there’s one thing you can say for your mentor’s grandson, it’s that he’s got determination.

Mark pauses for a moment, adjusting his glasses and wiping sweat from his brow. Your friend next to you lets out a little gasp at the view, and the new demon hunter turns, his eyes locking with your own while the girls next to you dart to their hiding places.

He flashes you a tight lipped, polite smile, and then he gets back to his work, attacking the practice dummy with haphazard motions that you know he’ll hone over the next year or so he trains here. 

Despite his cute, boyish charm, you can’t allow Mark Lee to shift your focus from what’s important. He’s on his path to becoming a demon hunter, and you’re on your own.

You can’t let a boy distract you from your calling.

One

Mark has grown up a lot in the years since you’ve last seen him. He’s much taller now, and broader, however his angular face and signature glasses remain the same as ever. You stand on the train platform, simply watching him for a moment, the way his eyes shift, the hand in his pocket where he likely has a demon blade.

Finally, after you’re done getting control of yourself, you call out his name, and his gaze immediately turns to you.

The polite, tight lipped smile he flashes brings you back to the first week you met him, and a moment later he’s approaching you to pull you in for a hug.

You can feel his body on yours now, and there’s muscle under the loose fabric of his hoodie, muscle that hadn’t been there before.

“Y/N,” he breathes, and you take in his own woodsy scent with a sigh of relief.

You can bring a mountain boy to the city, but you can never bring the mountain out of the boy.

“It’s good to see you,” you admit, pulling away from Mark, “even under the circumstances.”

He nods solemnly.

While neither of you are city hunters, you’ve been called to do your duty together based on your shared past. Couples have been going missing, and after two months and numerous disappearances, Suki had suggested you and Mark could work on the case together. She’d taken into consideration the fact that you’d trained as a team before, a mixed gendered pairing that’s rare in the demon hunting world. 

Despite the ways in which you work well together, it’s not lost on either of you that this is going to be a job unlike any you’ve ever experienced before. You’re small town hunters, and this is a big city demon. Its class and abilities are unknown, but the one thing you’re certain of, is that it will be a hell of a lot more powerful than you’re used to.

It’s comforting to have Mark with you as the two of you leave the train station and grab a cab to go to the hotel you’ll be staying at, although, everywhere you look, the scent of lust and sin perfumes the city air. 

Two 

You let out a deep breath as you and Mark enter your shared hotel room. Without the exact details of how the demon is choosing its coupled prey, it had been decided that in order to evade any detection, the two of you would get a one bed suite. 

With couples being the primary target for the demon you’re hunting, you and Mark will have to play the part of lovebirds to the best of your abilities.

“I’ll grab the couch,” Mark says, already heading over to the uncomfortable sofa with his duffle in hand. “We should get some dinner and then go to some of the clubs in the west side district where people have been going missing.”

“Sounds like a plan,” you agree, placing your small, travel sized suitcase on the bed. While the decoration of your bag is pink and girlie, the inside of it betrays your dark calling. You’ve brought multiple knives, holy water, and various cursed objects that have been designed to harm demons.

Under your array of weapons are a few evening dresses, and a makeup purse that Suki had given you. 

“I’m going to shower and get ready,” you announce, already dreading the act of putting on lipstick and blush. You’re not used to dressing up for hunts, but this is a unique situation. You have to blend in with the pampered city folk, and you’ll be damned if you look anything less than authentic.

“I’ll catch a nap while you do that,” Mark sighs, already getting comfortable on the couch.

“Sleep in the bed, this will take an hour or so,” you instruct.

“Are you sure?” He blinks at you, removing his glasses and rubbing at his eyes.

“You need the rest, we both need to be in top shape if we’re going to do this right.”

Mark nods, moving to the bed. “We can do this.”

You’re not sure if he’s trying to convince you, or himself. 

Three

Mark has always been awkward, and that trait has increased tenfold now that you’re in the city. His motions in the club are very robotic, and at times, he looks like an anxious kitten, his eyes shifting this way and that.

He’d refused your idea that you should have at least one drink to relax a little, and Mark sticks out like a sore thumb amongst the inebriated couples circulating the dance floor.

“This isn’t working,” you sigh, standing close to his side as you look out at the many people who would be better targets than you. “We have to appear sloppy and in love if we’re going to attract this demon’s attention.”

“I’m not good at being either of those things,” Mark sighs, shifting an inch away from you.

“Clearly.” You release a deep breath. “Mark, we don’t look like a couple. You hardly touch me, you move away from me when I get too close- we can’t do our job if things continue like this.”

Mark’s eyes meet your own, and you can tell you’re both thinking about the same thing. Other than being frequent partiers in this westside dance district, the targeted couples had one thing in common in reports and missing persons files, they’d all been truly, deeply, madly in love. 

You’d scoured their social medias, gone through countless pictures of couples who couldn’t keep their hands off of one another- photos of lovebirds nestled together, the adoration practically oozing out of their eyes.

“Okay.” Mark nods to himself. “Okay, I can do this.”

His hand smoothly glides along the small of your back, and when he reaches your hip, he tugs you closer.

“That’s better,” you grin, leaning against his shoulder. “We’re more convincing already.”

“I’m just uh… not used to this.”

“Used to what?”

“Being close to uh…” He clears his throat. “Being close to cute girls.”

Demon hunting is a fairly solitary life, and you understand where Mark is coming from. When your life span is uncertain, it’s difficult to give your heart to someone else, especially when you’ve already given yourself to your cause. 

Mark’s own parents had been demon hunters, two wayward souls who’d somehow found each other in the midst of everything. They’d lost their lives just before his grandmother Suki had adopted him and trained him to continue their legacy. 

Relationships aren’t unheard of in the demon hunting world, but they often end in sadness, the kind of sadness that you’ve seen Mark carry around on his shoulders since you were both young.

“You can be as close to me as you want Mark,” you tell him, “we can do this, together.”

Four 

You’ve been in the city for a week, already another couple has gone missing. With each night, you can feel the tensions rising, Mark is getting more and more used to being close to you, and the close proximity to the cute demon hunter is helping your own lovebird charade.

He doesn’t hesitate at the club now, he simply grabs your hand and wordlessly pulls you onto the dance floor. It’s become clear with the recent missing persons case that while the demon is going after couples who frequent clubs, he doesn’t attack at the clubs. 

While you’re still on high alert, the club is a safe place- to a point. It’s obvious the demon is using clubs to find his next targets, but in the sanctity of a roaring crowd of dancing drunks, you can allow yourself to relax just a smidge. 

You and Mark have been touchy, and every graze of his fingers across your skin is lighting a fire deep in your belly. His eyes look into yours, and you’ve found yourself getting lost in the dark pools below his glasses.

He really is a handsome guy. 

You’d had a crush on him when you’d first met him, but all the girls you’d trained with felt that way about Mark Lee. He’d been bait lowered into a piranha’s nest, much like you both are now.

You can feel his breath on your face as you get close to him, your arms wrapping around his broad shoulders, hands skimming his strong back. His own fingers dance along your waist, keeping you close as people shuffle behind you.

It must be after one am, and you’ve been at this for hours. As time ticks by, you can feel the tensions rising. You’re both getting a little stir crazy, neither of you have fought a demon in a week, and living together has begun to feel almost too good.

At the same time, there’s the feeling of failure now that another couple has gone missing, and as small town demon hunters who always get their mark, failure is not something either of you are accustomed to.

Taking a deep breath, you lean forward, ghosting your lips past his ear. “Kiss me,” you tell him, pulling away to look into his eyes.

Mark gazes at you for a moment, you can see confusion written across his face. Then he looks down at your mouth. Your heart lurches into your throat from the motion, and you give him a small nod, a go ahead with your plan. 

You watch Mark’s adam’s apple bob as he swallows thickly. His hand comes up to cup your cheek, and you nuzzle against his warm palm, looking up at him with bated breath.

There’s a swarm of people dancing around you, but for a moment, it feels like it’s just you and Mark. You’re locked in on the look of him, the experience of being here with Mark Lee of all people.

He leans in slowly, pausing with just a hair’s breath between your lips. His eyes search yours, and you’re the one who finally closes the last of the distance.

You kiss him softly at first, waiting to see how he reacts. Mark is frozen, but after a second, his hands pull you closer, his lips moving more urgently against your own. His tongue licks at you, and you open your mouth for him, accepting everything Mark is giving you on the dance floor.

You hook your fingers in Mark’s belt, pulling his body flush to your own. He groans against your lips, deepening the kiss. It’s a struggle to breathe, a struggle to do anything but get lost in the demon hunter as he kisses you in a way you’ve never been kissed before. He tastes like rum, coke, and a deep longing that’s been brewing for much more than a week. His hands cradle you close, as if he never wants to let go, and you wonder for a moment if he’s wanted this for as many years as you have. 

Mark pulls away abruptly, pressing his forehead to your own. He’s panting, and you’ve found yourself at a loss for breath too. It’s a wordless connection, the two of you clutching each other while you get your bearings.

Finally, Mark swallows. “The club closes soon,” he mutters. “We should uh, we should get going.”

“Yeah.” You nod, stepping back slightly and running a hand through your hair to ground yourself. 

Mark grabs your hand, and he begins to pull you off the dance floor. If you haven’t looked like a couple in love for the past week, you’re sure you do now. Your skin feels hot where Mark’s touching you, and your heart is racing as fast as it had during training when you’d climbed the mountain every day. 

There’s a dull ache between your thighs, one you try to ignore as Mark takes you outside. The two of you assess party stragglers hanging out in the alley behind the bar, and suddenly, Mark is pushing you up against the brick wall there, pressing his lips to yours again.

You grab at his shirt, letting out a soft moan at the feeling of him. He kisses you like a man who’s been starved, and you suppose you both have been unsatiated in a way, for far too many years.

Mark’s lips move to your throat and you throw your head back, tangling your fingers through his soft dark hair. “For good measure,” he whispers, nipping at your earlobe before pulling back.

His expression is unreadable as he looks at you. You’re still pinned to the wall, and your chest is heaving with the effort of trying to calm down after he’d just kissed your breath away.

“Good idea,” you mumble, giving him a curt nod.

“Let’s go home,” Mark says, grabbing your hand to pull you down the alley.

There are busier streets you could be walking- busier streets that a normal person would feel more comfortable using at a time like this, but you and Mark are looking for trouble, and as you make your way down a secluded alleyway ten blocks from your hotel, trouble finds you. 

“It’s quite the show you two have put on for me this week,” a voice rings out, and you immediately whip around to look at the man crouched on the fire escape one level up. You know the moment you see him that this is the demon you’ve been hunting. Although he looks quite human in the dim light of the alleyway, there’s an aura about him that feels wrong, dangerous. “Two little demon hunters out to catch a big bad. That’s very sexy.”

Mark’s hand flies to his belt, where his knife is hidden, but the demon lets out a low whistle that makes him falter.

“You won’t be needing that,” the demon announces. “After all, the aphrodesiac should be kicking in any moment.”

Your blood runs cold, and realization washes over you.

“Your little girlfriend has figured it out,” the demon clicks his tongue. “Have you?”

Mark’s gaze shifts to your own, and your pulse races at the brief eye contact, your pussy throbbing-

“I’m Hyuck, and I’m the demon who likes to eat my prey… after watching them fuck.”

“Shit-” Mark mutters, his hand beginning to shake by his hidden blade. 

“Just be grateful you’ll die after having sex,” Hyuck coos. “Something tells me the two of you have never fucked. I’ve been watching you all week. Bet you thought you were very convincing, pretending to be a couple and everything. Had your first kiss tonight, didn’t you? It’s cute.” The demon taps his fingers along the fire escape, standing up and looking down at you. “Cute that you ever thought the two of you could be a match for me.”

You try to grab your own blade, but your hands won’t cooperate. You’re overtaken by a need- if you’re not tearing Mark’s clothes off, you don’t want to touch anything at all. Your mind is still focused on the mission, but your body simply won’t do what you want it to do… except, you really want to jump Mark’s bones.

“If it’s any consolation, my aphrodisiac power only works on people who are already into each other. You can fuck without worrying that the other isn’t into it, and since it’s your last night on Earth, you might as well enjoy it… if you can.” Hyuck cocks his head to the side. “Guessing this isn’t the way you wanted your first time with your pretty little girlfriend to go, but, all’s fair in love, war, and demon hell spawns.”

You and Mark are still frozen, and you’re trying your best not to move a muscle, because you’re pretty sure if you do, you’ll all but launch yourself at Mark.

It’s a struggle to even speak, but you manage to say his name. “Mark?” 

“Yeah?”

“What do we do?”

Neither of you were prepared for this. A demon who can use sexual energy to force his prey to fuck, then devour them when they’re spent from a climax- this isn’t something you have any training for, and your mind is doing its best to figure this out despite the cloud of lust that’s threatening to overtake you.

“I-” Mark releases a groan. “I don’t know.”

“Struggle all you want, but it won’t matter,” the demon chuckles. “Here, I’ll make it easy for you. I bet she tastes wonderful, Markie, look at those kissable lips.”

Mark takes a step toward you, and his muscles quiver at the effort of holding himself back.

“Don’t you want to touch her?” Hyuck continues. “I know I would.”

“You’ll never touch her!” Mark snarls.

“I think you should eat her before I do,” the demon grins.

Mark swallows thickly, his eyes meeting yours. He’s breathing heavily, and you find yourself panting at your own restraint.

“Mark-” your voice cracks.

“We can do this,” Mark tells you. “We can kill him.”

“Mark-” you say, more firmly this time. “Just…” Your strength breaks, and you throw yourself at your friend, wrapping your arms tightly around him. Your lips ghost past his ear, and you whisper, “Fuck me, I have a plan.”

He turns his head as you begin to kiss his neck, his whole body shaking- and then he breaks too. His arms wrap around your body and he slams you against the wall, his mouth meeting yours in a fiery clash of tongues and teeth.

“There we go,” the demon whistles. “That wasn’t so hard, was it?”

You’re hardly listening to the demon at this point, you’re consumed with an insatiable need for the man who has you pinned to the brick wall at your back. Mark is grinding against you, and you can feel his cock throbbing in his jeans.

You can’t help but move your hand down to cup him, and Mark groans deeply, his teeth biting at your bottom lip. He’s panting hard, and his breath tickles your throat as his lips move down to your breasts. His tongue trails along your collarbone, and he grabs one of your boobs, kneading the flesh there.

You gasp at how good it feels, squeezing him harder through his jeans. “Fuck-” Mark groans, roughly tugging your shirt and bra down. His mouth latches onto your nipple, and you release a whine of pleasure, throwing your head back.

Opening your eyes, you look up at the demon. He’s leaning over the rail, watching you and Mark with a lazy smile. To your utter disgust, Hyuck winks at you, and you avert your gaze, trying to focus on Mark.

Logistically speaking, the demon is probably banking on you and Mark using all your stamina in a lust fueled haze- you’d bet anything that this is about to be the most powerful orgasm of your life, and if you can just get there quick enough, hopefully you’ll have enough energy left over to kill the demon before he can kill you. 

Although, your body is already sore from holding yourself off when the aphrodisiac had kicked in, so this might be a long shot- but it’s the only one you have, and you’ll be damned if you die just minutes after fucking Mark Lee.

“Take your jeans off,” you tell Mark, voice gruff.

“Nuh uh uh,” the demon clicks his tongue. “I said I wanted loverboy to get a taste of you first. I don’t like repeating myself.”

Fuck. 

Mark’s already sinking to his knees, pushing your skirt up roughly and tearing your panties off. He looks up at you, and you can see there’s fear in his eyes. It’s obvious that he’s not acting out of his own accord now- the demon has completely consumed him with his lust, and it’s the most you can do to nod reassuringly. “It’s okay,” you tell him. “It’s okay, I want this.”

Sure, you want Mark to eat you out, but you’d never in your wildest dreams imagined it would be like this.

If you make it through tonight, you promise yourself that you’ll have a do over. 

You just need to make it through tonight. 

“Take her knife sheath off,” the demon instructs next, and you flinch when Mark tears the holster off your thigh, tossing it to the side.

Mark’s breath is hot on your wet pussy, and as you lift your leg to put it over his shoulder, you’re careful to survey the alleyway to see where your knife has landed. 

Mark dives into your pussy, his tongue lapping at the sensitive bud, and you release a loud moan of pleasure. Your hands find his hair, keeping him where you want him while you begin to grind against his face.

“Tell him he’s doing good,” the demon instructs. “He deserves a few nice things before he dies.”

You swallow thickly, looking down at Mark. “You’re doing good,” you whisper, your voice shaky. 

He groans in response, his tongue pushing into your wet hole and flicking at your walls. 

“Fuck-” you whimper. “My clit-”

“Suck on her clit, pretty boy,” the demon calls, releasing a mischievous chuckle that has your toes curling in annoyance and hatred. It’s almost a form of beratement, the way he’s talking to the soft boy between your thighs, and it fills your heart with vitriol. 

Mark’s wet lips suction around your clit, and he sucks lewdly. Pleasure jolts through your body, a kind of pleasure you’ve never experienced before. When you close your eyes, your mind goes numb, body entirely consumed by the feeling.

You’re not sure if this is the aphrodisiac at work, the long years you’ve wanted this, or if Mark’s just extremely good at eating a girl out.

“I’m close,” you whisper, tightening your grip on Mark’s hair. You don’t want him to move away, but your body also won’t allow him to. Mark could die between your thighs from suffocation right here and now, and you’re pretty sure you’d be powerless to stop it.

Mark moans again, his hands squeezing your thighs. You look down at him, your eyes meeting, and that’s all it takes for you to explode on his tongue. “Fuck!” you scream, writhing in his grasp- now it’s Mark’s turn not to let you get away.

Your orgasm is completely all consuming, every single muscle feels like it’s contracting, your skin flaring with a heat that rivals hell fire. You’re gasping, clutching at Mark’s curls, unable to do anything except for experience a high unlike that which you’ve ever dreamed of.

It feels longer too- like you’ve been suspended on cloud nine for minutes before Mark finally lets up. Then, he stands, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. He undoes his belt in record time, pulling his cock out-

“Pick me up,” you tell him, legs feeling like jelly… although, your mind feels clearer than before. 

You need to conserve energy, and if you continue to stand like this, you’ll never be able to kill Hyuck. 

It’s all too easy for your strength based demon hunting counterpart to lift you off the ground, your legs wrapping around his hips as he pushes his cock into you.

Your lips meet as he sheaths himself deep in your pussy, your still quaking walls struggling to accommodate his impressive length. You’re a whimpering mess as he pins you to the wall, and he’s releasing low groans of his own that turn you on even more.

You can taste yourself on his tongue, and it drives you wild, your fingers tearing at his hair and shoulders for an anchor as he begins to fuck you.

Mark’s heart is thundering in his ribcage, and you can feel it where your chests are pressed together. You break the kiss, hoping to give him some breathing room since he’s now taking the bulk of the effort. Your lips find his throat, and you try to calm down, inhaling deeply through your nose, focusing on the smell of the mountain and your memories of training.

The demon has been too quiet, so you open your eyes to find out where he is. 

He’s come down from the fire escape, and he’s crouched on a dumpster just bellow the ladder, watching you intently.

You close your eyes again, focusing on Mark. He feels so good- working your pussy open with each rough thrust. His hands are steady on your thighs, keeping you up and pinned to the wall- his strength is so sexy, and your pussy throbs while you think about it.

Mark releases a groan, fingers twitching.

“Looks like loverboy might not last much longer,” the demon muses. “That’s a shame for you both.”

“Mark, I want to ride you,” you announce. “Wanna ride you when you cum.”

“Not just a pillow princess, are you, pretty little thing?” Hyuck grins.

“Let me ride you,” you say, more forcefully this time.

Mark releases a groan. “But this feels so good-”

“Mark,” you hiss. “Let me ride you!”

With a grunt, Mark pulls out of you, and he’s quick to drag you down onto the alleyway pavement.

He has the wherewithal to spread his jacket open so your knees don’t hit gravel as you mount him, lifting your skirt higher on your hips and sinking down onto his cock with a whine.

You sit there for a moment, both of you breathing heavily. Mark’s hands find your waist, and you rest yours over his own, giving him a squeeze.

He begins to bounce you on his cock, taking some of the strain off of your thighs. You brace your palms on his chest, maneuvering yourself so it’s the least strenuous position.

You’re so wet you can hear an audible slicklike smack with each thrust onto his cock. In this position, he’s hitting even deeper- and it takes all your mental control to not get completely lost in Mark this time.

You’re aware of your knife, a meter away, and the demon, who’s gotten even closer now, his eyes fixed on the meeting of you and Mark’s bodies.

“If we don’t-” Mark swallows thickly. “If we don’t make it out of this, I… I love you.”

Your heart practically bursts out of your chest at the innocent way Mark’s looking up at you even while balls deep in your pussy.

“I-” your voice cracks. “I love you too.”

“I a confession of first love- this is definitely going to satiate my sweet tooth,” Hyuck practically purrs. He’s now only two meters away, and caught in the raptures of his aphrodisiac, there’s nothing you can do about it- not yet at least.

“I’m close,” Mark tells you, drawing your attention back.

“Not until she cums too, loverboy,” the demon tuts.

Mark’s thumb finds your clit as you ride him, and your muscles scream at you as they begin to tense again, readying you for another Earth shattering orgasm.

“Fuck, Mark-” you groan.

You close your eyes, focusing on your breath and conserving your energy even while you ride him-

Each stroke of his thumb along your sensitive bud has you closer and closer, your thighs quivering desperately, your abdominal muscles clenching tighter and tighter-

“Fuck, I’m gonna-” You can’t even finish your sentence as your high slams into you.

You throw your head back, releasing a sinful moan as your entire body surges with that same all consuming white hot energy as before. Your skin tingles like you’ve been hit by lightening- and just below you, you hear Mark let out a groan of his own-

Now that you’ve cum twice, you feel as cognizant as ever, but it still takes all of your willpower to jump off of Mark as his own orgasm takes over. You can’t focus on him right now, and you dive for your knife, latching onto the hilt with shaky fingers.

You’d been trained for stamina and stealth, but your primary weapon of choice, has always been knives.

It takes a substantial amount of energy for you to even get to the blade, let alone still your body enough to release a breath and let the knife soar out of your hand, somersaulting in the air in something like slow motion toward the demon, who is as shocked as you are that you’d somehow overcome his aphrodisiac.

Before Hyuck can even dodge it, the knife lands in his chest. His stunned eyes find the blade impaling him, then turn to you for a moment, a moment later his body begins to melt, turning into a sludgy ashed mass on the alleyway pavement.

You release a breath before collapsing to the ground. 

There’s gravel pressing to your cheek, but you don’t even care. You’re overcome with exhaustion, an exhaustion unlike anything you’ve ever felt, and Suki used to make you climb the mountain three times every morning back during training.

“Y/N?” Mark calls your name.

“He’s dead,” you announce, breathing heavily.

“You did it,” Mark says, and although he’s too exhausted for much animation, you can hear the relief in his tone.

“We did it,” you tell him. 

You’d relied on his strength while fucking to conserve your energy for one throw of your knife at the very end of it, one semi-calculated move that had just saved your lives. 

The two of you simply lay there for a few minutes, regaining your composure as the last of the demon’s aphrodisiac effects wear off.

Finally, you sit up. Your legs are weak as you fix your skirt, covering your thighs and your dripping pussy. You lay down next to Mark, too shy to look at the cum that’s staining his shirt.

You hate that you had to jump off of him at the moment of his release- and you can tell from the pink flush of his skin that he’s embarrassed about it too. 

“It’s over,” you whisper, reaching for his hand.

Mark squeezes your fingers, but he stays quiet.

You don’t say anything else, and when you’re both able to stand, the two of you head back to the hotel.

Five

“Hi,” you say softly, watching Mark exit the bathroom, his hair wet from his shower. “How did you sleep?”

“Slept like a rock,” he responds. “You?”

“Same. Last night was exhausting.” In fact, your entire body aches.

“Guess we’ll both be going home today,” Mark sighs.

“Guess so…” You look at your suitcase, you’d taken the liberty of packing it while Mark was in the shower. “I think… I think I might go visit Suki.”

“Yeah?”

“Uh huh,” you nod. “After this one, I think I’d like to rest for a week, get my strength back up… not to mention a bit of a mental wellness check.”

“That sounds like a good idea,” Mark agrees. “Maybe… maybe I should do that too.”

“You’re not needed back in your usual town to kill demons?” you grin.

“They can spare me a week if your town can spare you. I think we both deserve a rest after this one.”

“Should we book train tickets then?” you suggest, your heart warming at the idea of a small rest vacation with the demon hunter.

Mark nods, and you appreciate the soft smile that forms on his lips. “Let’s go back to the mountain.”

☀️ mlist + an. Thank you so much for reading! Tbh, I grew up watching supernatural, and after binging the demon slayer anime I knew I wanted to try this kind of au- so glad I chose Mark as the main love interest because he brings such a sweetness to this :)

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🔮 preview. You’d thought an orgasm while overcome with an aphrodisiac was good, but nothing compares to Mark Lee finger fucking you within an inch of your life on the rocky bank of the healing springs while the whole forest and mountain purrs around you.

cw/ tw.  Unprotected sex, exhibitionism (fucking in a forest hotspring), grinding, teasing, hand job, pussy eating, body worship, nipple play, dirty talk, fingering, squirting, multiple reader orgasms, creampie, etc…

👹 rating. 18+ explicit I wc. 3.1k I teaser wc. 215

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You’re lost in your own little world as you begin the trail up the mountain. The hot spring is only a short walk away, and you cling your towel tight to your body to protect yourself from the cool summer air. It’s always been cold here, but you know that as soon as you get in the water, you’ll feel a lot better.

The trees are like solitary soldiers, standing guard as you make your way up a path that you’ve walked a thousand times. Each tree root and rock is familiar, and you can feel the tension in your body relaxing already.

The smell of pine and rich earth is a comfort, and you take care to enjoy every moment of reprieve. 

Suki had mentioned that Mark had left for a hike a short time before you’d awoken. You’re not expecting to see him until lunch. Solace will be pleasant after the ordeal you’d just faced, and you’ve been spending a lot of time soul searching in the past two days since you’d arrived at the mountain.

While the aphrodisiac powers the demon utilized had provided the right thing at the wrong moment, part of you still feels dirty, and you want to wash away the feeling of alleyway gravel indented into your skin.

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[jewelleria]

I don’t usually talk about politics on here, if ever. But it’s been almost six months since the conflict in the Middle East flared up again, and I’m finally ready to start. Here are some of my thoughts.

I say ‘flared up’ because this has happened before and it’ll happen again. Because, even though what's currently going on is absolutely unprecedented, those of us who live in this part of the world are used to it. Let that sink in: we are used to this. And we shouldn’t have to be. 

But I use that term for another reason: I don't want to accidentally call it the wrong thing lest I come under fire for being a genocidal maniac or a terrorist or a propaganda machine, etc., etc.—so let’s just call it ‘the war’ or ‘the conflict.’ Because that’s what it is. Doesn’t matter which side you’re on, who you love, or who you hate. 

This post will, in all likelihood, sit in my drafts forever. If it does get posted, it certainly won’t be on my main, because I'm scared of being harassed (spoiler: she posted it on her main). I hate admitting that, but honestly? I’m fucking terrified. 

I also feel like in order for anything I say on here (i.e. the hellscape of the internet) to be taken seriously, I have to somehow prove that a) I’m “educated” enough to talk about the conflict, and b) that my opinion lines up with what has been deemed the correct one. So, tedious and unnecessary though it is, I will tell you about my experience, because I have a feeling most of the people reading this post are not nearly as close to what’s happening as I am.

How do I explain where I live without actually explaining where I live? How do I say “I live in the Red Zone of international conflicts” without saying what I actually think? How do I convey the fear that grips me when I try to decide between saying “I live in Palestine” and “I live in Israel”? I don't really know. But I do know that names are important. I also know that, due to the various clickbaity monikers ascribed to the conflict, it would probably just be easier to point to a map. 

I haven't always lived in the Middle East. I've lived in various places along America’s east coast, and traveled all over the world. But in short, I now live somewhere inside the crudely-drawn purple circle. 

If you know anything about these borders you probably blanched a bit in sympathy, or maybe condolence. But in truth, it’s a shockingly normal existence. I don't feel like I've lived through the shifting of international relations or a war or anything. I just kind of feel like I did when COVID hit, that dull sameness as I wondered if this would be the only world-altering event to shape my life, or if there would be more. 

I've been told that, in order for my brain to process all the horrific details of the past six months, there needs to be some element of cognitive dissonance—that falling into a sort of dissociative mindset is the only way to not go insane under the weight of it all. I think in some ways that’s true. I have been terrifyingly close to bus stop shootings when my commute wasn’t over; I have felt my apartment building shake with the reverberations of a missile strike; I have spent hours in underground shelters waiting for air raid sirens to stop. 

But. I have also gone grocery shopping, and skipped class, and stayed up too late watching TV, and fed the cats on the street corner, and cried over a boy, and got myself AirPods just because, and taken out the trash, and done laundry on a delicate cycle, and bought overpriced lattes one too many days a week. I have looked at pretty things and taken out my phone because, despite it all, I still think that life is too short not to freeze the small moments. 

So I'd say, all things considered, I live an incredibly privileged life—compared, of course, to those suffering in Gaza—one filled with sunsets and over-sweetened knafeh and every different color of sand. One that allows me to throw myself into a fandom-induced hyperfixation (or, alternatively, escape method) as I sit on the couch and crack open my laptop to write the next chapter of the fic I'm working on. 

But there are bits of not-normalness that wheedle their way through the cracks. I pretend these moments are avoidable, even if they’re not. 

They look like this: reading the news and seeing another idiotic, careless choice on Netanyahu’s part and groaning into my morning coffee. Watching Palestinian and Jewish children’s needless suffering posted on Instagram reels and feeling helpless. Opening my Tumblr DMs to find a message telling me to exterminate myself for reblogging a post that only seems like it’s about the war if you squint and tilt your head sideways. 

These moments look like all the tiny ways I am reminded that I'm living in a post-October seventh world, where hearing a car backfire makes me jump out of my skin and the sound of a suitcase on pavement makes me look up at the sky and search for the war planes. They look like the heavy grief that is, and also isn’t, mine. 

Here's the thing, though. I know you’re wondering when the ball will drop and my true opinion will be revealed. I know you’re waiting for me to reveal what demographic I'm a part of so that you, dear reader, can neatly slap a label on my head and sort me into some oversimplified category that lets you continue to think you understand this war. 

No one wants to sit and ruminate on the difficult questions, the ones that make you wonder if maybe you’ve been tinkered with by the propaganda machine, if you might need to go back on what you’ve said or change your mind. We all strive for our perception of complicated issues to be a comfortable one.

But I know that no matter what I do, there will always be assumptions. So, while I shudder to reveal this information online, I think that maybe my most significant contribution to this meta-discussion spanning every facet of the internet is this: 

I am a Jew. 

Or, alternatively, I am: Jewish, יהודית, يَهُودِيٌّ, etc. Point is, I come from Jews. And, like any given person, I am a product of generation after generation of love. 

I'm not going to take time to explain my heritage to you, or to prove that before all the expulsions and pogroms, there was an origin point. If you don’t believe that, perhaps it’s less of a factual problem and more of an ‘I don’t give weight to the beliefs of indigenous people’ problem. But, in case you want to spend time uselessly refuting this tiny point in a larger argument, you can inspect the photos below (it’s just a small chunk of my DNA test results). Alternatively, you can remember that interrogating someone in an attempt to make their indigeneity match your arbitrary criteria is generally not seen as good manners. 

Now, let’s go back to thathateful message (read: poorly disguised death threat) I received in my Tumblr DMs. I think it was like two or three weeks ago. I had recently gained a new follower whose blog’s primary focus was the fandom I contribute to, so I followed them back. I saw in my notes that they were going through my posts and liking them—as one does when gaining a new mutual. Yippee! 

Then they sent me this: 

I tried to explain that hate speech is not a way to go about participating in political discourse, but the person had already blocked me immediately after sending that message. Then, assured by the fact that I surely would never see them complaining about me on their blog (because, as I said, they blocked me), they posted a shouting rant accusing me of sympathizing with colonizing settlers and declaring me a “racist Zionist fuck.” Oh, the wonders of incognito tabs.

Where this person drew these conclusions after reading my (reblogged) post about antisemitism…. I'm not actually sure. But I greatly sympathize with them, and hope that they weren’t too personally offended by my desire to not die. 

For a while I contemplated this experience in my righteous anger, and tried to figure out a way to message this person. I wanted to explain that a) seeing a post about being Jewish and choosing to harass the creator about Israel is literally the definition of antisemitism and b) that sending a hateful DM and refusing to be held accountable is just childish and immature. But I gave up soon after—because, honestly, I knew it wasn’t worth my effort or energy. And I knew that I wouldn't be able to change their mind. 

But I still remember staring at that rather unfortunate meme, accompanied by an all-caps message demanding for me to Free Palestine, and thinking: the post didn’t even have any buzzwords. I remember the swoop of dread and guilt and fear. I remember wondering why this kind of antisemitism felt worse, in that moment, than the kind that leaves bodies in its wake. 

I remember thinking, I don’t have the power to free anyone.

I remember thinking, I’m so fucking tired. 

And before you tell me that this conflict isn’t about religion—let me ask you some questions. Why is it that Israel is even called Israel? (Here’s why.) Why do Jews even want it? (Here’s why.) But also, if you actually read the charters of Islamist terrorist organizations like ISIS, Hamas, and Hezbollah (among others), they equate the modern state of Israel with the Jewish people, and they use the two entities interchangeably. So of course this conflict is religious. It’s never been anything but that.

But I do wonder, when faced with those who deny this fact: how do I prove, through an endless slew of what-about-isms and victim blaming, that I too am hurting? How do I show that empathy is dialectical, that I can care deeply for Palestinians and Gazans while also grieving my own people? 

There's this thing that humans do, when we’re frustrated about politics and need to howl our opinions about it into the void until we feel better. We find like-minded souls, usually our friends and neighbors, and fret about the state of the world to each other until we’ve gone around in a satisfactory amount of circles. But these conversations never truly accomplish anything. They’re just a substitute, a stand-in catharsis, for what we really wish we could do: find someone who embodies the spirit of every Jew-hating internet troll, every ignorant justifier of terrorism, and scream ourselves hoarse at them until we change their mind.

But, of course, minds cannot be changed when they are determined to live in a state of irrational dislike. In Judaism, this way of thinking has a name: שנאת חינם (sinat hinam), or baseless hatred. It's a parasite with no definite cure, and it makes people bend over backwards to justify things like the massacre on October seventh, simply because the blame always needs to be placed on the Jews. 

So when a Jew is faced with this unsolvable problem, there is only one response to be had, only one feeling to be felt: anger. And we are angry. Carrying around rage with nowhere to put it is exhausting. It's like a weight at the base of our neck that pushes down on our spine, bending it until we will inevitably snap under the pressure. I’m still waiting to break, even now.

I wish I could explain to someone who needs to hear it that terrorism against Israelis happens every single day here, and that we are never more than one degree of separation away from the brutal slaughter of a friend, lover, parent, sibling. I wish it would be enough to say that the majority of Israelis (which includes Arab-Israeli citizens who have the exact same rights as Jewish-Israelis) wish for peace every day without ever having seen what it looks like. 

I wish I could show the world that Israel was founded as a socialist state, that it was built on communal values and born from a cluster of kibbutzim (small farming communities based on collective responsibility), and that what it is now isn’t what its people stand for. 

I wish the world could open their eyes to what we Israelis have seen since the beginning: that Hamas is the enemy, Hamas is the one starving Palestinians and denying them aid, Hamas is the one who keeps rejecting ceasefire terms and denying their citizens basic human rights. Hamas is the governing body of Gaza, not Israel. Hamas is responsible for the wellbeing of the Palestinian people. And Hamas are the ones who are more determined to murder Jews—over and over and over again, in the most animalistic ways possible—than to look inwards and see the suffering they’ve inflicted on their own people. I wish it was easier to see that.

But the wishing, the asking how can people be so blind, is never enough. I can never just say, I promise I don't want war. 

When I bear witness to this baseless hatred, I think of the victims of October seventh. I think of the women and girls who were raped and then murdered, forever unable to tell their stories. I think of the hostages, trapped underneath Gaza in dark tunnels, wondering if anyone will come for them. I think of Ori Ansbacher, of Ezra Schwartz, of Eyal, Gilad, and Naftali, of Lucy, Rina, and Maia Dee, of the Paley boys, of Ari Fuld and of Nachshon Wachsman. I think of all the innocent blood spilled because of terror-fueled hatred and the virus of antisemitism. I think of all the thousands of people who were brutally murdered in Israel, Jews and Muslims and Christians and humans, who will never see peace.

My ties to this land are knotted a thousand times over. Even when I leave, a part of me is left behind, waiting for me to claim it when I return. But when I see the grit it takes to live through this pain, when I see the suffering that paints the world the color of blood, I look to the heavens and I wonder why. 

I ask God: is it worth all this? He doesn't answer. So I am the one, in the end, to answer my own question. I say, it has to be. 

Feel free to send any genuine, respectful, and clarifying questions you may have to my inbox!

EDIT: just coming on here to say that I'm really touched & grateful for the love on this post. When I wrote it, I felt hopeless; I logged off of Tumblr for Shabbat, dreading the moment I would turn off my phone to find more hate in my inbox. Granted, I did find some, and responding to it was exhausting, but it wasn’t all hate. I read every kind reblog and comment, and the love was so much louder. Thank you, thank you, thank you. 🤍

Source Reading

The Whispered in Gaza Project by The Center for Peace Communications

Why Jews Cannot Stop Shaking Right Now by Dara Horn

Hamas Kidnapped My Father for Refusing to Be Their Puppet by Ala Mohammed Mushtaha

I Hope Someone Somewhere Is Being Kind to My Boy by Rachel Goldberg

The Struggle for Black Freedom Has Nothing to Do with Israel by Coleman Hughes

Israel Can Defend Itself and Uphold Its Values by The New York Times Editorial Board

There Is a Jewish Hope for Palestinian Liberation. It Must Survive by Peter Beinart

The Long Wait of the Hostages’ Families by Ruth Margalit

“By Any Means Necessary”: Hamas, Iran, and the Left by Armin Navabi

When People Tell You Who They Are, Believe Them by Bari Weiss

Hunger in Gaza: Blame Hamas, Not Israel by Yvette Miller

Benjamin Netanyahu Is Israel’s Worst Prime Minister Ever by Anshel Pfeffer

What Palestinians Really Think of Hamas by Amaney A. Jamal and Michael Robbins

The Decolonization Narrative Is Dangerous and False by Simon Sebag Montefiore

Understanding Hamas’s Genocidal Ideology by Bruce Hoffman

The Wisdom of Hamas by Matti Friedman

How the UN Discriminates Against Israel by Dina Rovner

This Muslim Israeli Woman Is the Future of the Middle East by The Free Press

Why Are Feminists Silent on Rape and Murder? by Bari Weiss

[lyneira]

♤ "Not worthy?" I'll show you differently ♤

SMUT - MINORS DNI

-> how would he react to a reader who's self-conscious and ends up distancing themselves from him when others insult them and say that they shouldn't be together? (based on this request!)

All characters are depicted as 18+

fem!reader x twisted wonderland characters / cw: penetration, cunnilingus, fingering, blowjob, mirror sex

"I'll make you feel loved enough that you won't forget it"

Epel, LEONA, Jack, Ace, Silver, Floyd

I don't see them viewing it as a big problem initially because he's confident that he'll be able to make things right quickly. You just need some reassurance, that's all.

He's not going to confront you directly. He won't need to; His actions toward you would be enough to say that what others were saying was indefinitely wrong.

He'll become more handsy and more forward with his PDA, always making sure that he's holding you or touching you in some way. He'll put his hand on your waist and pull you in close, seldom ever releasing his grasp on you; He'll kiss you more often, ensuring to elongate the kiss for a long time even when there were a lot of people around. When he'd pull away, allowing you to take a breath, he'd shoot a glare at anyone who was staring, daring them to say something.

He'll do all of this as to indirectly tell you, "Hey, I don't care what anyone says or thinks. I'm not letting you go". Yet, if you were still acting distant, then he'd have no choice but to confront you directly.

When he finally does, he'll back you into a corner and ask with frustration, "How come you're still distancing yourself from me? Am I not showing you enough affection?" He'll then lower his tone, "You don't need to run away from me...I love you, y/n...and there's nothing that anyone can say that will ever change that...", looking at you with that rare softness in his eyes that he only showed when he was pouring his heart out. And that's how you know he really meant it.

That look would further soften when you suddenly hug him tightly, and after melting in each other’s arms, he'll whisper into your ear, "I'll make sure you understand how much I love you tonight. Remember this moment whenever you find yourself doubting it"

And when you two make love that night, he'll seem a bit rough initially. He'll be pinning arms above your head, grasped tightly, kissing you ferociously that your teeth often clash, sucking on your skin so intensely, leaving marks of purple, and thrusting himself into you with so much force that you feel like the bed is going to break (which, it almost does, heh)

But after his first climax, releasing his remaining frustrations, he'll slow it down, also releasing his tight grip on your wrists to embrace you protectively, kissing up and down your neck as he thrusts long, slow strokes into you. He'd be all over you. His hands, his lips, and his tongue would again caress every spot on your body, especially on the spots he left a hickey on. He'd kiss them softly, and would cheekily smile into your skin, knowing that these marks would be visible for all to see the next day. After all, they need to know that you belong to him, just as his heart belongs to you.

"Can you SEE how much I love you?"

VIL, Jade, Rook, Jamil, Lilia, Rollo, Azul

You're self conscious? On his watch? Absolutely not.

Seems like you need to SEE how much he loves you in order to really believe it. So after quickly dealing with those who had planted their foolish ideas into your mind, he'll immediately take you to his room to help you confront your problem head on.

He'll be sitting at the edge of his bed, as he speaks to you, "Dear, I've noticed that you've been shying away from me because you've become self-conscious...you need not be. Do not listen to what others say, they don't matter. I adore you just as you are."

When he sees you finally ease up by his words, he'll smile tenderly at you and will then pat his thigh, "Come here..."

You do as you are told, and when you get close to him, he'll suddenly pull you onto his lap, wrapping his arms firmly around your waist, trapping you in his embrace. Funny thing is, up until now, you hadn't realized the grand mirror that was in front of you two. Had he always had that there? In fact, he did not. But today, he needed it for his plan to help you become less conscious. Oh, you're in for it now 😏

"I'm glad you've noticed the mirror. Keep your eyes on it...no matter what I do", he'll mention as he narrows his look into your eyes in its reflection, and you can definitely tell he was plotting something. You were about to ask about it until he surprises you with a multitude of kisses up and down your neck and down your shoulders. If you asked if you could face him, he'd immediately turn you down, telling you to look into the mirror.

And as he became more sensual, letting his hands roam up your body to cup your breasts and fondle them as he continued to kiss your jaw and insisted you to keep your eyes glued to the mirror, you eventually realized his plan: he was going to make you watch yourself as he made love to you.

You figured that it would be easy to endure, but soon enough, you'd think otherwise as he'd further surprise you with his touches.

He'd bring his hands down to your waistband and begin pulling your pants off so that your lower half was now bare. Then, bringing his hands back up to your thighs, he'd begin to spread your legs open slowly, while looking in the mirror to enjoy the view of your pussy all soaking wet for him. "Ah~ You're so wet", he'll grin, eyes half-lidded at the sight. He'll hover a hand over your heat and begins to rub his middle finger up and down your slick, earning a shudder from you. After rubbing it enough, he'll insert it into your hole, massaging your insides and finding that sensitive spot that has you squeezing onto his finger.

You look away from the mirror and shut your eyes at the pleasure he's giving you, but he'll click his tongue, and stops his motions at your reaction, "That won't do, dear. Don't look away". With his other hand, he'll grab your chin and make you face the mirror once more, "Open your eyes. You need to watch as I pleasure you" and with the lack of friction making you antsy, you open your eyes to watch the erotic sight of him touching you. "Good girl", he'll hum. And for that, he'll reward you by using his other hand to rub circles on your clit.

He'll continue to pleasure you while making you watch him, becoming pleased with himself as he was getting you to stare at the sight with less hesitation each time.

When at last he has himself inserted in you, thrusting up into you relentlessly as you both watch yourselves in the mirror, mouths agape as you both moan and pant, faces flushed, eyes heavy with lust, bodies wet from sweat and arousal, he'll lean in towards you ear, sultry whispering,

"Get used to this image, my love...become so accustomed to it that it won't matter what anyone says. You'll remember that you and I are meant to be together...joined as one both body and soul, just like this"

"Do you know what you do to me?"

MALLEUS, Sebek, Deuce, Riddle, Idia

He'd full of worry when you distance yourself from him, wondering if he had done or said something to cause it. Though, hen he finds out that the reason for it was your self-consciousness and the gossip of others that had influenced it, he is fuming. Who dares to insult his darling?! To make you feel this way? He'd be so tempted to make them endure his wrath, but he'd ultimately decide to deal with it later. The most important thing right now was you. It pained him to see you look at yourself that way when he thought the entire world of you. (He practically kisses the ground you walk on, lol)

So he would waste zero time to confront you because there's no way he was going to let you think that he didn't love and care for you.

Do you know exactly the effect you have on him? He'll let you know. He'll tell you how warm you make him feel inside, how you ease him while still managing to give him butterflies in his stomach everytime you laugh or smile at him, how grateful he is to have you in his life. He'll then take your hand, bring it up to his face, and lean his cheek into your palm, telling you how he easily melts into your touch and submits himself to you.

He'll guide your hand down his body, allowing you to feel the heat of his skin, down to his chest, where you can feel the pounding of his heart.

"Feel the rhythm of my heart...it only beats like that for you. You mean everything to me, y/n. Never forget that", and he would press a kiss onto your lips, desperation imbued into them. That desperation would soon turn into passion when you gladly returned his fervor, letting him know that you understood him and relief washed over him.

As you two fiercely kissed, devouring each other's mouths, letting your tongues dance, he realized that he was still holding your hand. So, he'd take the chance to continue guiding your hand further down his body to show you another effect you had on him. You'd gasp when your hand met with his clothed erection, breaking the kiss to look down at it and back up at him. He'll have a faint blush on his cheeks, but will look at you with a firmness in his eyes, "Only you make me feel this way." He'll release his grasp on you, yet, you'll maintain your grasp on him, ready to show him the love and affection that he showed you.

And indeed, you'll feel how enamored and obsessed you make him when you pull down his pants to free his throbbing cock, to lick it, suck on it, bounce on it, ride it, and squeeze it so good that the evidence of his love will be buried deep inside of you and will continue to overflow.

Extra:

He'll also show you what you do to him even when he wasn't with you at the moment. Even if you were away for a while, he'd send you a video touching himself to you. In the video, you'll see his beautiful face twisted in need as you listen to him panting, gasping, and moaning out your name numerous times, accompanied with the wet sounds of his sex being attended to. This would go on for several minutes for you to enjoy, and in the after his release, he'll look hazily to the camera, cheeks flushed, semen stained on his hand, abdomen, and thighs, lips parted as he breathlessly heaves out, "This is what you do to me"

If you were there, he wouldn't have made such a mess everywhere 'cause he would have made his mess inside of you instead, just sayin' ;)

(Cater isn't a part of this category, but I can totally see him doing this too!)

"I love your..."

NEIGE, Cater, KALIM, Che'nya, Trey, Ruggie

You distancing yourself from him would immediately have alarms going off in his head because this would be highly unusual. You two were always joined at the hip (sometimes literally) after all. When he realizes that you're self-conscious, he'll immediately reassure you.

"You know what I love so much about you? I'll tell you!" He'll grab your hand and bring it up to his lips, "I love your touch", and will kiss your palm. He'll then lean towards your face so that his lips were ghosting your forehead, "I love your beautiful mind", and kisses it. He'll then kiss the corner of your lips, "Your pretty smile", which would earn him that beloved expression from you, to his delight. He'll kiss down your neck, "Your voice and the things you say to me", and as he tries to kiss your collarbone, he will pull off your top to expose more of the skin he can kiss. He'll continue down towards your chest, kissing your warm bosom, "Your kind heart and affection". And he'll go on to kissing all over your body as he says what he adores and loves about you, removing any more clothing that might hinder his lips from meeting your skin.

With all his kisses, you were nearly laid entirely bare. All of your clothing were off except for your panties. As he lowers himself down to hover his lips on your clothed sex, he'll look up at you, blush dusted on his cheeks and a sensual look in his eye, "Would you allow me to continue saying what else I love about you?". And with your nod of permission, he'll slip the garment off, and whisper, "I love the way you taste" before giving a deep kiss to your lips. He'll go on to kiss it repeatedly and as you moan and sigh from his kisses below, he'll shakily breathe out, "I love the sounds you make when I'm making you feel good...a-ah..! You make me feel so good" as he mindlessly grinds into the mattress, pre-cum staining the bed, aroused by you.

You'd think he'd be done after letting you know the numerous things he loved about you, but he still had one more he had to say. So after letting you release your nectar onto his lips and drinking it, he's gonna line himself up to your dripping entrance, and will say, "I love being inside you", before inserting himself into your heat. He'll continue to mutter on with each thrust, "oh, you're so warm...you take me in so well...I love it...I love you....so very much"

And with all of the places he's kissed and all of his words of adoration, I'm sure you'll understand the magnitude of his love for you by the end of the night

a/n: this one was much longer than usual! Some seem a bit ooc and I honestly kinda gave up at the ends of most afshdkwgjak oh well 🫤

© 2023 lyneira. PLEASE DO NOT COPY, PLAGIARIZE, OR REPOST MY WRITING ONTO OTHER PLATFORMS

[silentglassbreak]

hi bestie is it too late to request? you said you liked writing angst, well, i love reading it 💔💔painfully unrequited love!!!!! gimme gimme

friends with benefits with (overly affectionate!!!!) Noah and reader who falls sick to her stomach head over heels in love with him. blurring the lines between sex and love.

going to a bad omens concert however long after and it’s like they’re strangers oOF rip my heart out and stomp on it idc. been listening to Novocaine on a loop all day. i’m not okay

feel to totally disregard if you’re not feeling it angel <33 thank you bby I love your writing 🥺🥺

Angst............. UGH I've been WAITING babes. My goal is to rip your heart out...fair fucking warning. MMMLOVEYOUUUUU. After Writing Notes: I'm the actual worst. I hope you don't hate it!

Rating: Explicit

Warnings: smut, heartbreak, lots and lots of angst

Can You Feel My Heart

Love languages are such a strange concept, aren't they? That seems to be a fairly new idea that someone came up with in the last decade or so?

If you like to buy love...your love language is gifting.

If you can't communicate well...your love language is affection.

If the only way you know how to show feelings is with sex...your love language is intimacy.

At what point are we allowed to call someone out for being a dick? At what point are we allowed to confront the fact that someone is skipping around the idea of commitment, and ask them to just admit what they really want?

This wasn't the first time these thoughts had danced around my head, in the wee hours of the morning, while Noah's arm laid heavy across my waist, him snoozing behind me.

Noah and I had been friends since we were seven years old. We met on the playground at the park in the center of the neighborhood of our small town in West Virginia. He told me he liked my butterfly hair clips, and I let him have the blue one. He wore it in his hair every day for three weeks.

He grew up in a broken home, only his Mom around most of his years, and even then - that relationship was...strained. So many nights he had snuck into my bedroom window, curling up next to me, tears free falling down his cheeks. We never talked about why, but it didn't take a psychic to figure it out.

He moved in with his Grandmother when he was fourteen, and even though he lived in the next town over, he still made it a point to take the city bus to me every day after school, even when he dropped out.

We were never more than twin flames, incapable of existing without each other, moral support for the other during any type of hardship. Looking back, I guess that was what built our serious dependence issues.

"I can't live without you, Y/N. I'll die if I ever lose you."

"No you won't Noah, don't be stupid."

He was stupid. As stupid as they come, because when I turned eighteen, and started college, he had paid one of his friends to drive him all the way up to Columbus to see me. He showed up at the door of my dorm, drunk and broken, blathering on about how only having been away from me for a week had killed him, and he needed to see me.

That was the first night he kissed me, and I let him.

As most people do when having grown up with someone so closely, I had developed an attachment to Noah very early on. I first recognized it when he turned twelve, and started skateboarding. He would insist on trying to teach me how, despite my undeniable clumsiness. His hands would grip my hips, his face so close to my ear, and his chest pressed to my back. He would talk in this deep voice, his puberty hitting early. I was awe-struck.

He was my best friend, sure. But he belonged to me, that's what he always said.

Even when he had girlfriends, I always came first. Dates would get cancelled for me; plans changed. Hell, he even blew off one girl whose birthday fell on the same day as mine. I was his priority. I was his person.

So when he leaned in to me, sitting on the edge of my mattress in the dorm, liquor stained-breath against my face, I just closed my eyes and let it happen.

He spent the night with me, and had to leave early. Vowing to come back, he never broke his word.

There he was the following weekend, sober this time, with snacks, DVDs, and a week’s worth of clothes. I managed to hide him in my room for four days before the dorm advisor caught him.

The second day he was there was the first time we had sex. I was a virgin, and he was not. That hurt me, sure. Not enough to deny him what was rightfully his. I belonged to Noah, body and soul. He took his time, walked me through it, and gave me the best possible experience I could expect. It hurt, and it was weird, but a sense of relief washed over me.

We had finally crossed that threshold. We had sex three times that week, until he was forced to leave.

That's when the words left his mouth.

"We need to talk."

That conversation broke something inside of me. He loved me, but he didn't love me. He was honored to have been allowed to give me something so meaningful, but he could never see me as more than his best friend. Our friendship was too important, and he wouldn't even allow himself to entertain the idea of jeopardizing that. He had made up his mind, and he couldn't have feelings for me.

It was with the heaviest heart imaginable, I sucked back my tears, painted an easy smile on my face, and held his hands in mine.

"I totally understand, Noah. No worries! We can just have fun, you know?"

And that was it. We were stuck in this sick, frozen place for the last two years. I was about to finish my Associates in Columbus, and hoped to become pre-med at Boston U, but Noah didn't know that yet. I could never figure out how to tell him.

Noah Davis was this heavy, bright flame that I was desperately afraid to extinguish. He had formed a band right after our arrangement began, and he was twenty-four hours away from leaving on their first major tour that would take him around the entire country, and then across the Atlantic to Europe.

How could I tell him that while he was gone, I was likely moving even further, and starting my life without him?

I didn't want to live without him, but he was leaving, and I couldn't sit and wait forever...

I breathed out a sigh, the light beginning to stream in the window of my one-bedroom apartment. He needed to wake up, drive home, and make sure he was ready to leave tomorrow. It was only 6AM, so I knew he'd be cranky, but I couldn't put this off any longer.

“Noah?” I breathed out his name. He groaned in response. “You’ve got to get up. You have to get ready to head home.”

"Mm, ten more minutes." I rolled my eyes, and began sliding out from underneath him.

His arm locked, and held me in place. I giggled, and saw as he turned his face, one eye cracking open. "Don't get up. It's too early."

I narrowed my eyes. "I have class at 8AM."

Noah used his strength against me, pulling my body to him and holding me tight so I couldn't get up. This only made me laugh louder.

"You don't need to get up for another hour."

"Not if I want to shower."

He sighed into the pillow. "So crazy, cause I don't think you do."

I rolled my eyes. "Dude, you've got to get home. Nick will kill us both if you're not ready in time."

"I'm not scared of her." He smirked, and I smacked his arm.

"Shut up. And get off me!"

He stuck his bottom lip out, pouting heavily.

"Not going to work. C'mon." I wriggled hard enough to break his grip, and sat up, stretching my arms over my head. He sat up as well, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

I pulled a robe over myself, turning to look at him as he scrolled through his phone, checking messages.

"Coffee?" I asked, and he threw a thumbs up at me.

I left the room, headed for the kitchen, trying to keep my breathing even. I had very little time left.

Filling the pot with water, I felt his arms wrap around me from behind, his face burying in my neck.

"I don't want to go. I'm going to miss you so much."

I leaned into the touch, taking anything I could at this point. "I know. I'll miss you more."

He scoffed. "Not a chance."

Holding me for a few more moments, he let go to head to the fridge, pulling out the bagels and cream cheese, and plopping down at the dining table. I continued my work of preparing our coffee.

"Hey, uh," I started, keeping my voice as calm as I could. "there's something I wanted to chat with you about."

I turned around, two hot mugs in my hand. He was spreading the cream on a bagel, already having prepared one for me. I sat next to him at the table.

"What's up?" He didn't look up at me.

"I told you I had been trying to decide where to start medical school?" He just nodded in response. "Well, I find out today if I got into Boston."

He halted, his eyes snapping up to me. "Boston?"

I took a sip of coffee. "They've got the best med program on the East coast-"

He cut me off. "Since when were you looking on the East coast?"

His tone was darkening. This was going to go about as well as I expected.

"Since I realized I had a chance. Noah, my GPA and scholar program gives me a real shot."

He grit his teeth, setting his bagel down. "Boston is far, Y/N."

I kept calm, setting my mug down as well. "I know."

"So, why would you want to be so far away?"

"Well, you're going far too, Noah. Your first show is in San Diego."

He sat back in his chair. "Yeah, but the last one puts me right back here in Columbus for a month before I go overseas."

I nodded. "I know. I'll still be here, then. You get back six weeks before the end of the semester."

He closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. "You can't go to Boston."

There was a finality to his tone, and something about it made my insides flinch with irritation.

"Oh no? And if I do?"

"You can't."

I narrowed my eyes at him. "Can't? And since when do you tell me what I can and can't do?"

He rolled his eyes, standing from the table and walking over to the trash, binning the half of his bagel he didn't eat. "We can't be that far away from each other."

Lifting my eyebrows, I stood as well, crossing my arms. "And why is that, Noah?"

He leaned back against the counter. "Y/N, you know why."

"What? So you have someone to fuck whenever you want? Whenever one of your little groupies isn't around?"

His eyes popped open, then. "What?"

"You heard me." My tone was deadly, matching my stare at him.

"You really think the only reason I want you close is because of the sex?" He seemed truly stunned.

"Well, why else would you want me around?" I threw my hands up, walking back down the hallway toward my bedroom. I could hear his footfall behind me. I just continued, stepping into the closet to get dressed.

"What is that supposed to mean? I always want you around."

Rolling my eyes, I clasped my bra on and popped my head out to look at him. "Noah, I'm convenient for you. Unless you have any other valid reasons to keep coming over, I don't know why else it matters."

His jaw dropped open. "That is not true."

Pulling my shirt on, I scoffed. "Please, dude. Spare me the act, okay?"

"What act?"

I pulled my jeans on, buttoning them before stepping out to face him again. "The 'you're my person, and I can't lose you' act." I quoted myself. Something about that pissed him off, because he crossed his own arms and stared me down.

"The fuck are you getting at, Y/N?"

I shook my head, brushing past him, and walked toward the bathroom.

"Noah," I turned to look directly at him. "we've been at this for years. It's kind of old, don't you think?"

His face softened slightly. "We had an agreement."

I nodded. "You're right, we did. Just sex, for the sake of our friendship. That's what you wanted."

"I thought that's what we wanted."

Waving a hand between us, I took a step toward him. "Oh no, Noah. That's what you wanted. Not me."

He was silent, then.

"I wanted more. I always have. I thought that had become clear over the years, but I fucking guess not." I could hear my voice raising a few octaves. "You didn't give me a choice. You came in, broke that boundary, and then put it right back up again. And I stayed, just so I wouldn't lose you."

I could feel the tears beginning to well in my eyes.

His voice came out small, then, his hands now buried in his pockets.

"What do you want from me, Y/N?"

I sighed, letting one tear escape. "I want you to love me."

He pulled his hands out, stepping toward me and taking one of mine. I let him.

"I do love you!"

I stared at him, my teeth ground together. "Do you? The way I love you?"

Noah was a lot of things. He was brilliant, funny, generous, dedicated. He had the most redeeming qualities of anyone I knew.

And sure, he could be stupid. But not that stupid.

He had known how I felt about him. Of course he did. That was why I kissed him every chance I got. Why I always let him in. Why I never dated anyone else. Why I stayed all this time.

But here? In this moment? He was the biggest idiot I knew, because he dropped my hand, his eyes falling with it, and took a step backward.

"I..." He huffed out a breath, looking back up at my tear-stained face. "I can't. I'm sorry."

I averted my eyes, then. I could feel myself breaking, crumbling right before him.

"You need to leave, Noah."

I could feel he wanted to pull back to me, like a moon in orbit of a planet. Gravity. But he didn't. He just stepped back toward the doorway.

"What does this mean?" I heard his voice, but wouldn't meet his eyes.

I sniffed hard, trying like hell to keep myself upright.

"It means you go on tour. Be who you are, Noah. And I'll be who I am. Without each other."

His body shifted, but I was stone, unmoving.

"I can't lose you." I heard him let out a light, sarcastic laugh. "I'll die."

I let myself laugh at that.

"No you won't, Noah. Don't be stupid."

7 Years Later

Residency is going to kill me. I may actually die in pursuit of this God awful career I've chosen. I was three years in to a five year program, intending to finish in General Practice, but until that time, I was just an idiotic twenty-seven year-old with no life, no sleep, and no clean fucking clothes to wear.

Every resident gets exactly forty-eight hours of paid time off every three months, and I had not taken mine in over a year. I finally had taken all of my hours - six days total - off of work, and after spending the entire first day sleeping, I was due to meet with Raylene in an hour.

Ray and I met at the beginning of residency, and quickly gotten close. We managed to find an affordable apartment together within walking distance of the hospital, and spent any rare free time we had together. She was currently at her boyfriend's place, spending some much needed time with him, before we went out for the evening.

I was digging through my unfolded laundry, trying to find something not too wrinkled or stained to wear tonight. Ray had told me we were going to a concert for a band she had recently discovered, but she didn't tell me who it was. I didn't care, to be honest. Existing somewhere other than the Emergency Room or my own bed sounded heavenly.

Finally settling on a deep red cropped t-shirt, black skinny jeans, and the Vans I rarely got to wear, I straightened my hair and applied what little makeup I could. I set out of the building to the waiting vehicle downstairs, Ray practically hanging from the passenger window.

"You look so fine!"

I chuckled, shaking my head. "Sure. Like I might've slept in the last two weeks?"

She chortled back at me, leaning in her seat once I was in the car. I waved hello to her boyfriend Sean, and gazed at Ray.

"So, Tyler isn't coming."

She frowned at me. "Why not?"

I shrugged. "Said he had a case he was working on, and he really couldn't spare the time."

She rolled her eyes. "Typical lawyer. Too busy for anyone but his clients."

Tyler and I had been dating for about six months now. Maintaining a relationship while having jobs as busy as ours was difficult, but he somehow managed to work it out. He would pop in when he knew I had breaks to bring me food, or have me spend nights off at his place, massaging my neck and helping me get caught up on my favorite series. He was an honest man. A good man.

I liked him.

Right?

It's so hard to tell what's like and what's convenient when you live your life exhausted and overworked, so I didn't have a lot of time to question it.

"Bummer for him. I'm so excited to see this show!" Ray was beaming in the front seat.

"Yeah, who are we seeing, anyway?"

"A band called ERRA. They're opening for a bigger headliner, who I've heard are pretty good too."

I nodded. "I've never heard them."

"It's rock. Metal, really." Sean chimed in, and I acknowledged him silently, looking out of the window.

My mind zoned out while we drove to the House of Blues. Ray and Sean chatted idly up front, but I was just enjoying the fact that I was finally out of the house for once.

That is, until we walked into the venue. The banner poster stared at me, the photographs of the band mocking me...

Bad Omens...they were the headliner.

Memories flooded back to my brain, my insides clenching at the visions.

I hadn't spoken to him since that day...that last day in my apartment. When he left, and never looked back. I didn't even keep in touch with the rest of the guys, for fear that I would be sucked back into the maelstrom that was Noah Davis...

“Y/N?” I turned to see Ray stood behind me, noticing my reaction. “You okay?”

My mind wasn’t comprehending what I was seeing. There’s no way that was them? The last time I had heard of the band, they were one-of-four supporting bands on much larger headliners. Now, they were selling out tickets at their own tour? Seven years was a long time…but how had they gotten this popular?

I wondered this, as if I didn’t know how wildly talented those boys were. Aside from Noah, Nicky, Jolly, and Nick Folio were some of the most intelligent and creative minds I had known. They all brought something special to that band, but I would have never expected this.

Huh. Guess he could live without me after all?

Something bitter crept into the back of my throat, but I swallowed it down, staring at his photograph on the poster.

“Yeah,” I tore my eyes away for a second to look at Raylene. “sorry, I’m fine. Just didn’t realize Bad Omens was the headliner.”

She raised an eyebrow. “You’ve heard of them?”

I pulled my lips to the side. Did I want to tell her?

“Long time ago.”

I couldn’t get past how different he looked in the picture. Last time I saw Noah, his hair was halfway down his back, he was skinny, and he had the thinnest little mustache growing on his upper lip.

In these promo pictures, however, his hair was short, not even reaching his ears, he looked much more muscular, and he had no facial hair. He also had many more tattoos than I remembered. That wasn’t surprising. Noah was a tattoo addict from a very young age.

Jolly had let his hair grow and had the cutest goatee on his chin. Nicky looked almost exactly the same. And Nick, bless his heart, had grown into such a handsome guy. They all looked so grown, so serious and broody. It almost made me giggle, knowing how goofy these guys were in real life.

Noah looked the most stunningly different from the rest. Not only did his entire appearance change, but his eyes…something in them was just so much darker. That harsh flame I had once known was so dim. It almost hurt to see. Almost.

We were making our way out to the pit of the GA floor. I had decided to get myself a cocktail to take the edge off. I didn't plan to come face-to-face with him, and likely wouldn't even get the opportunity to get a good look at him period, but still...just knowing we were in the same room made my throat tighten. I washed it down with Vodka and cranberry juice, hoping the warmth of the liquor would unfreeze my nerves.

The first band, Invent Animate, was entertaining enough. Very interactive with the crowd and high-energy. I found it pleasant, but couldn't get myself to focus long enough to notice what they were singing about. I struggled to breathe, the set ending, and knowing I was one hour closer to seeing his face.

During the intermission, Ray excused herself to the restroom, and I stood with Sean, feeling dizzier as the moments passed.

"Hey, I think I'm going to step out for a second. Get some air."

He quirked an eyebrow at me. "You okay? Want me to come with?"

I shook my head. "Nah, don't want you to miss the band you guys came to see. I'll be back."

He nodded, patting me on the shoulder before I weaved in and out of the crowd. I discarded my plastic cup in a trash can before exiting out into the main lobby. I found a spot on the wall near the doors that was unoccupied, and leaned against it, letting my eyes close and my breathing even out.

When I opened my eyes, I searched the room, looking for nothing specific. I landed on the merch tables, and saw someone oddly familiar talking to the lead singer of the last band we had watched...

The liquid courage is what carried me in that direction, smiling to myself.

He stood with his hair pulled back, as usual, and was talking with his hands. Same as he always did.

"Nicky Ruffilo..." I said loud enough to hopefully catch his attention, my hands now grasping the edge of the table.

His head snapped over to look at me, his brows knit together curiously. I could tell he was putting it together.

"No fucking way..." His voice sounded the same as it always had. "Y/N?!"

My teeth flashed at him, and he circled the table to approach me, his arms pulling me into a tight hug.

"Jesus Christ, I didn't recognize you!" That was fair.

Since the last time I had seen any of the guys, I had bleached my hair a pale blonde, lost twenty-five pounds, and had grown two cup sizes. I was, for all intents and purposes, an entirely different person.

"Yeah, well I absolutely recognized you." I said as I gripped his shirt, squeezing him tight.

"How long has it been?" He asked, pulling back to look at me.

"Uh," I thought for a moment. "seven-ish years?"

Nick's eyes were in disbelief, an amazed leer on his face. "God damn, girl. I can't believe it."

I pointed to the banner above his head. "Headlining now, huh? That's amazing!"

He smiled, proudly. "Yeah, we've worked really hard. A lot's changed."

My eyes fell on Noah's face on the poster. "I can see that."

I could tell he was pondering, a question hanging on the edge of his tongue. It was the most obvious question, so I answered for him.

"He doesn't know I'm here."

He nodded, leaning an arm on the table comfortably. "Ah, okay. You didn't want him to?"

I snorted. "I didn't even know I'd be here. My friends came to see ERRA, and that's when I realized you guys were here."

"Makes sense." He had crossed his arms. "Do you want him to know?"

Contemplating this, I let my face fall to get away from his gaze. I wasn't certain how to answer that, but it seemed like the answer was clear regardless.

"No." I sighed hard. "It's probably for the best that he doesn't, right?"

I couldn't read Nick's face, if he was disappointed or relieved. He seemed to be pretty satisfied with my answer, but I could tell he had more he wished he could say.

"Fair enough." Was all he gave me, before letting out a breath. "So, you still live up here?"

I let my muscles relax for a second. "Yeah, doing a residency at Brigham right now."

"Residency? Does that mean you're a doctor?" He asked, clearly confused.

I cackled at this. "Yeah, full blown doctor. Got the little 'MD' after my name and everything."

He beamed at me. "That's so great! Congratulations!"

"Thank you, Nicky." It fell quiet between us once again, and I could hear ERRA's set beginning. "Well, I should probably-"

He spoke over me. "Yeah! Those guys put on a great show. Don't miss it!"

I gave him another hug, reveling in how warm he still felt.

Turning to walk away, I stopped, needing one last thing...

"Nick?"

His face turned back to me.

"How is he?"

I could see the sadness fall over his tan features, and I instantly regretted asking.

"He's..." He trailed off, taking in a large breath. "He's different, Y/N. I doubt you'd recognize him."

"How so?"

Something about my question almost seemed to annoy him. Odd?

"Like I said, a lot has changed. He's changed. He had to." He gestured to me. "Same way you did."

I accepted this, not wanting to press any further. "Thanks, Nick."

He pointed a finger at me. "Hey, we're going to be back here in the fall for a couple days. Don't be a stranger, okay?" I grinned at this. "I know Jolly and Folio would kill to see you."

I just nodded, turning and walking away. My eyes met with Ray's, who was standing, watching my interaction. How much had she seen? Did she hear anything?

"Hey, what are you doing? You're missing ERRA!"

Her brows were pulled up suspiciously. "Who was that?" She pointed after Nick, who had now disappeared from the merch table.

I shook my head. "Oh, that guy? He's the bassist in the headliner band."

This wasn't good enough for her, I could tell by the way she pursed her lips. "Uh-huh. And...you just decided to chat him up like old friends?"

I groaned. "Ugh, how long were you standing there?"

She put all her weight on one hip. "Long enough to see you two talking like you've known each other before. Care to explain?"

Raylene was so nosey. She came by it honestly, her father being a police detective. But still, why did this matter?

"It's not a big deal, Ray. I'll tell you later."

I pulled on her arm, trying to lead her back to the concert hall, but she stood firm, eyeing me. I sucked my teeth in frustration.

"Damn it, alright, come here."

She followed me to the doors leading outside, and we stepped into the cool air.

"Alright, look, I've known Nick since I was ten."

Her eyes jumped. "Oh? Back in West Virginia?"

I nodded. "Exactly. I had no idea their band was going to be here."

"Do you know anyone else in the band?"

I glanced around, feeling wildly uncomfortable by the conversation.

"I may know the entire band."

Her eyes exploded, nearly shooting out of her face cartoonistically.

"What?! The whole band?" I just nodded. "Jesus, Y/N. That's insane!"

I giggled. "I guess. It's just a coincidence."

She smiled at me. "Well that's awesome! Do you want to see the rest of them after? They're doing a free merch signing."

Panic filled my chest, and I put a hand out to grab her shoulder. "No, no. I don't, uh..." I tried to keep my voice solid. "I don't keep in touch with them anymore."

Her eyes narrowed. "Oh? Okay, if you're sure." Something in my voice must have made her feel my anxiety.

We turned, ready to make our way back inside.

"It is too bad. The lead singer's a real looker. I heard one of the girls in the crowd say his name was Noah Sebastian? He's pretty cute."

I almost walked straight into the door, my foot banging off of the pillar. Ray turned around to see me, and something about the look on my face made realization flash over her.

"Oh my God, are you ok-" She stopped dead, eyes widening again. "Wait..."

"Ray, don't." I knew what she had figured out.

"Noah..." I put my hands up, glancing around to ensure no one was looking at us. "As in...Noah? Your old best friend?!"

I shushed her harshly. "Please, Ray. I don't want to think about this."

"That's the guy?! Noah Sebastian is the guy that broke your heart?!"

I was going to actually vomit at that.

"Fuck! Can we not?!" I raised my voice, which made her snap her mouth closed. "Besides, I don't know a Noah Sebastian."

She looked confused. "Is that not his real name?"

I rolled my eyes, turning to walk back in. "It's his middle name."

I spaced out most of what was left of ERRA's set, just trying to put the pieces back together in my brain. This night had not turned into what I had hoped.

I just wanted one night, an easy night, to take a deep breath away from my hectic life. Instead, I was reliving some of my most painful memories, and had a headache to go right along with it from the alcohol. My chest vibrated, the bass just making it so much more difficult to focus.

I stood off of the GA floor, near the bar area, not even realizing the band had finished, and people were swarming to grab drinks and use the restrooms before the men of the evening appeared. Ray approached me, another Vodka cran in her hand, and pushed it into mine.

"Here my love, drink this." I took a long gulp of it. "Do you want us to go? We don't have to stay..."

My eyes were fixed on the stage, where I could see people setting up the equipment. "No." I huffed out a breath, and squeezed my cup. "No, I want to see them play, I think."

She raised an eyebrow. "You're sure? This can't be easy for you."

My eyes burned into her face, which almost made her flinch. "I may never get to see him again, Ray. I have to."

She just nodded, arm linking with mine. "You want to watch from up here?"

I nodded, crunching on a piece of ice from my drink. "No chance of him spotting me back here."

She affirmed my request, and leaned back against the wall with me.

I felt my phone vibrate, and I pulled it from my pocket to see Tyler's name on the screen.

Tyler: Hey beautiful! How's the show?

I held my breath. What kind of a question was that?

Me: Fine. Almost over, just one band left.

He didn't take but a minute to respond.

Tyler: Having fun?

Ha, what a joke.

Me: Yeah. I've had some drinks, so it's helping.

Tyler: Well, enjoy it baby! You deserve it.

That wasn't fair. None of it was. Having to see Noah? The fact that I had an amazing guy, who genuinely liked me, who waited for me. But I still couldn't get my mind off of that irritatingly beautiful face about to take the stage.

The lights went down, and I felt myself tense, throwing back the rest of my drink. My teeth were numb, if that made any sense at all. Ray's hand gripped mine tight, holding me up.

A cinematic scene played on the screens, but I wasn't watching, eyes hastily searching the stage.

A tall man, who I instantly recognized as Jolly, stepped center-stage, a guitar in his hand playing the opening riff to the song. It was heavy, deep and soul shaking.

Folio came out next, his face, like Jolly's, covered in a black ski mask.

Nick took his spot, playing his bass tones.

And then, as the opening crescendoed, a voice rang through the speakers.

A voice I'd never forget.

"Can you hear me through the white noise?"

He blasted onto the stage, glory and all, face covered and thick black jacket on his shoulders.

He sounded different. Angry. Raw, Aggressive. The feeling that sank in my stomach pulled me back further against the wall.

The song played through, his words pulsing through my veins.

As quick as it had started, it was over, and we were on to the next.

The next track was calmer, red lights glowing all throughout the stage.

They had all removed their masks, and I saw his face for the first time. He looked so much older, making it difficult for me to believe he was the same person.

The words of the song resonated deep in my thoughts.

"I don't want to know all your secrets, cause I'll tell. It's hard enough being alone with myself. I don't know how long I'll be holding on..."

Breathing deeply, I watched as the crowd moved with the music, electrifying the energy in the room. It was intoxicating.

Noah had changed...

The set played on without hitch, the entire time I caught myself holding in breaths until I felt my lungs nearly bursting. I couldn't take my eyes off of him, feeling the familiar ache beginning to creep back in.

The music stopped, and a bunch of lights came up. By this time, Noah had discarded his jacket, button-up, and only stood in a black tank top, hands wrapped in what looked like boxing wraps?

"Alright, Boston, how we feeling?" His speaking voice even sounded different...

The crowd erupted.

"We are Bad Omens, and we sincerely appreciate you all being here tonight. The next song we are going to play for you all has been the biggest turning point this band has ever seen." I heard the screams, and did my best to tune them out so I could hear his words. "Is anyone familiar with a song called Just Pretend?"

The room rocked with the cheers and chants of the crowd.

"That volume that I just heard? That's the volume I want to hear you sing this with me, okay? Don't worry about trying to hit the perfect note or get all of the words right. It's about us all, being here together tonight."

The music played softly behind him when his lips reached the microphone.

"I can wait for you at the bottom. I can stay away if you want me to. I can wait for years if I gotta. Heaven knows I ain't getting over you..."

My heart twisted in my chest.

"I'm not afraid, of the war you've come to wage against my sins. I'm not okay, but I can try my best to just pretend. So will you wait me out? Or will you drown me out?"

The tears pooled in my eyes. No fucking way. The song played on, mocking me with the lyrics.

"I know the pain that you hide behind the smile on your face. And not a day goes by where I don't think I feel the same."

"We'll try again, when we're not so different. We will make amends, till then I'll just pretend."

My hands came up to cover my face, my lip trembling hard.

"Weigh down on me. Stay till morning. Way down. Would you say I'm worthy?"

I choked on a sob, my legs pushing me forward, and I ran out of the room. I felt my stomach lurching, my mouth clamping closed as I ran toward the bathroom.

I heard Ray chasing behind me. "Y/N! Wait!"

Flying into the bathroom and finding the first open stall, I fell to my knees, emptying the contents of my stomach into the toilet. My hands gripped my hair, tears falling hard down my face.

"Oh God, babe." Ray reached to grab my hair from me as I wretched all of the Vodka out of my stomach, my heart and soul pouring out with it.

When I finished, I let my chest heave with sobs, my hand covering my eyes in ebarrassment.

"Fuck, Ray." I said as I wiped my face with the tissue she handed me. "I've got to get the hell out of here."

She nodded. "Okay, my love. Let's do that."

After a solid twenty minutes of cleaning myself up in the bathroom, we stepped out, noticing the crowd now formed outside, waiting at the table for the band to come out for the signing. Ray was frantically dialing Sean, trying to find him among the sea of people. I just plopped myself down on the floor near the restroom, trying to relax as best as I could.

"Y/N?" I looked up at her. "I have to go find Sean. He isn't answering. Can you wait here for me?"

I just nodded, defeated. She was gone, lost within the abyss of people, and I sat, waiting, head in my hands.

I was pulled out of my stupor by the sound of cheering. The band had come out, all waving and smiling. I didn't even bother chancing a glance at him, for fear I may vomit again.

Ray had not come back yet, despite the four or five texts I had now sent her. I had been waiting for a solid thirty minutes, people watching the line and avoiding seeing his face. The ropes of the line were blocking my view of the faces sitting at the table.

After another fifteen, Ray finally bounded up to me, out of breath, Sean in tow.

"Fuck, I'm so sorry! That crowd is vicious!"

I stood slowly, the room only slightly spinning. I swallowed the dry, disgusting feeling in my throat, and began moving toward the exits that were now mostly clear.

"Let's go." She nodded at me, and took my arm. We had to wait behind several people trying to all get through the same revolving door. My skin felt spiky and cold.

"Hang on! Wait!"

A voice behind me made ice run through my veins, and I closed my eyes, begging whatever God existed to spare me in this moment.

A hand gripped my shoulder, and I tensed, turning my face, and my eyes looked straight at him.

He had spotted me, running from his table to catch me. He had to have been pretty damn sure it was me to chase after me like that. Fans began to crowd us, camera phones coming out, pictures snapping.

The look on his face was much less certain than I expected, as if he possibly made a mistake.

"I'm sorry..." His voice was unsteady. "Do I," He cleared his throat, eyes bouncing back and forth between my own. "know you?"

My eyebrows shot up. He really didn't recognize me?

He thought he did, but now...

"No. I don't think so." I spit out my words, teeth grinding together. It felt exactly the same as the last time I had seen him.

He dropped his hand, eyes still transfixed on mine. "I swore..."

I just turned my body, pressing my way past the gathered crowd, not giving him the chance to think it through.

In the car, I stared out the back window, arms wrapped around myself.

"What did he say, honey?" Ray's voice was so gentle.

"He didn't recognize me. He thought he did, but once he got up close, I guess I look too different." My words were only a peg above a whisper.

"You going to be okay? I don't have to stay at Sean's."

I just wiped the stray tear off of my cheek. "It's fine. I'd rather be alone."

-

A long, scalding shower, two handfuls of shredded cheese, and a solid half-hour crying session later, I was laid catatonically on my bed, eyes staring at the screen as Grey's Anatomy flashed across my screen.

I had blanked my mind out, forcing myself to let the thoughts go for the night. I was too tired and broken to let my heart hurt like this again. It took a solid year to get over Noah enough that I was able to function again. My first year of med school was disappointing, and I didn't make any friends until I made it into the second year. It took me nearly three to start dating.

I couldn't do that again.

I had been ignoring the texts going off on my phone, assuming it was Ray just checking on me for the thousandth time. I did, however, decide to take a look when I heard my ringtone going off.

Who would be calling me at 2AM?

I didn't even bother checking the screen before I put the phone up to my ear, my voice hoarse from crying.

"Hello?"

"What are the odds that you haven't changed your number after all this time?"

I sat bolt upright, my voice catching in my throat. The voice on the other end sounded nearly as wrecked as mine.

"Noah?" It barely came out.

"It's been a long time."

I cleared the newly formed phlegm out of my throat. "It has."

"I knew that was you." It sounded deadly quiet in the background of his end of the line. "Why didn't you tell me you were coming tonight?"

I sighed. "Nick told you?"

"He might've."

I groaned. "Well, I asked him not to."

"Why?"

I scoffed. "What do you mean, why?" I rubbed my eyes. "We're not exactly speaking anymore, Noah."

He hummed. "That's true."

I chewed on my lip, not having any kind of clue of what to say.

"What did you think?"

"Of the show?"

"Mhm."

I sighed. "It was good. Different than what I would have expected."

A soft laugh came through the line. "How so?"

I smiled at that. "It's just a lot different than what I expected your music to sound like."

"In a bad way?"

"No. Not at all."

"I'm glad you enjoyed it." His voice was so serious. So monotone. Nothing at all like what I remembered.

The line fell silent again, and I found this irritating. What was he playing at?

"Why did you call, Noah?"

I heard a breath on the other end, and some rustling. "I don't know."

"Well, maybe you shouldn't have."

"Maybe. I wanted to hear your voice."

My stomach tightened. "Now you have. I should go."

"Wait..." I held the phone firm, waiting. "I want to see you."

My heart pounded. "What?"

"I need to see you." His words were so matter-of-fact.

"I don't think so, Noah. That's not a great idea."

"It's not, but I'm asking..." He sounded so small. "Can I please see you?"

I perused the idea. "When?"

"Now?"

I scrunched up my face, sitting up again. "Now? It's after two in the morning."

"I don't care. I'll come to wherever you are."

This struck me. Maybe he hadn't changed?

"I, uh," I struggled to speak. "Noah, I don't know. I'm at home, it's late. I should be sleeping."

"Y/N?" I stopped, listening. "Please?"

I am a weak woman, and that is just plain fact. I was frantically running throughout the apartment, attempting to tidy any kind of mess I could get my hands on. Ray and I hadn't taken the time to really clean in months, so it was stressing me out. My pajama pants were hanging low on my hips, and I swam in my large sweatshirt.

My hair was falling loose around my face, and I was sure my eyes were puffy from the crying I had done. How insane was I? Had I completely lost it?

It was almost 3AM when a knock came at my apartment door, and I froze in place. What was I doing? Why was I allowing this to happen? I didn't need to do this to myself.

I was fine, living in my normal, tired bubble. I was headed towards a successful career that would take me further than I ever imagined. Why was I allowing this trainwreck of a friendship back into my life? What was I thinking?!

I wasn't. That was the answer to that question.

I opened the door, not sure what to expect on the other side. He stood, still as tall as I remembered, looming in the doorway. He wore a black hoodie, hands tucked neatly in the pocket. Dark blue jeans and black Converse. A white beanie covering his hair.

Like this, he looked almost recognizable. Except for his eyes...

Just like in the photograph I had seen earlier, his eyes were so dark. There was very little life behind them. Deep blue circles hung under the rims, making a pull in my chest show itself.

I just stood, blocking the doorway, hand white-knuckling the frame.

"Hi." Was all he managed. He was staring at me, eyes moving up and down my face as if he was seeing an apparition.

"Hi." I echoed, trying to not feel out of place under his stare.

"I'm glad you agreed to see me." He didn't move an inch, his jaw ticking closed with his last work.

I just nodded, letting out all of my air. "Yeah, well, you were insistent."

He nodded, finally looking away from me and down at the ground.

"I had to."

I pursed my lips, narrowing my eyes. "Did you?" He raised a brow at me. "Did you just have to see me? Because I think we probably would've been alright without it."

I could see his face fall, hurt by what I said, but I didn't care. He never did.

"I'm sorry. I know it's selfish."

"Mm," I pinched my lips together, and opened my door wider. "come in."

I stalked back into the house, not daring to look back at him. I heard the door shut behind me, and I steadied myself, expecting to turn around and see him vanished.

To my chagrin, he was still there.

Deciding not to stagnate, I walked into the kitchen, pulling a bottle of tea from the fridge, and walking back out to the living area. He hadn't moved, and was still staring at me.

"So." I motioned to him. "What can I do for you?"

Noah was so statuesque, as if carved right out of stone. "I don't really know."

My face lifted, a smirk on my lips. "You don't know? Noah," I placed a hand on my hip. "you show up here at 3AM, and you have no idea why?"

He shrugged, eyes begging me for mercy. "I'm sorry. I don't."

"Can you stop apologizing and just tell me why you're here?!" My patience snapped, startling even me.

This took him back, but instead of tucking tail and backing away, he stood straighter, face hardening.

"I can't tell you why I'm here if I don't know, alright?" His words were stern.

"Well you must have some kind of reason? Because this feels wildly unnecessary."

He raised his eyebrows in disbelief. "It is? So you didn't want to see me?"

I set my tea on the coffee table and stood nonchalantly. "Not really."

He narrowed his eyes. "I don't buy it." He took a step toward me, but I stood firm. "If you didn't you wouldn't have stayed, tonight. You would've left after you saw the band your friends went to see."

He was closer now, and it felt like a string had tethered between us, the tension slowly slacking.

"Yeah, well, I wanted to see your set. See how the band was doing."

He snickered at me. "Oh, sure. Of course." His hands finally appeared from his pockets, one running over his chin. "Which song was your favorite?"

Oop. I wasn't expecting that.

"The second one. Villain, or something?"

He nodded. "Like A Villain." Noah's eyes weren't buying it. "Which one did you like least?"

I scoffed. "I don't know, Noah? The first one?"

"Mm, and which one was that?"

I was swallowing the lump in my throat. I couldn't remember, the night blurring together.

"Uh, I don't know the name."

He took a step back, triumphant. "You weren't there for the set. You wanted to see me."

Rolling my eyes, I crossed my arms. "Still as self-absorbed as ever, I see?"

"Am I wrong?"

He had me backed into a corner, and he fucking knew it.

I threw my arms up. "Fine! Maybe I did. But you wanted to see me too."

He sneered at me, venom on his lips. "Obviously, or else I wouldn't be here."

"You still haven't said why."

"Why did you want to see me?"

My voice was raising, frustration growing. "I don't know!"

"I don't know either!" He yelled back at me, and my mouth snapped closed. Noah never raised his voice at me. Not ever.

He took three long strides over to me until he was only stood a foot away.

"I didn't expect to ever see you again, Y/N! I thought you were gone forever! So imagine my surprise when I see you walking out of the House of Blues, and you deny even knowing me!"

I felt like shrinking into a ball right there on the floor, ceasing to exist.

"I wanted to see you because how could I not?! Seven fucking years, Y/N!" He backed down for a second, his breathing becoming ragged. "I've been waiting seven years."

I furrowed my brow. "Waiting?"

"For you to reach out. To tell me you missed me. To give me some kind of indication we could reconcile and be us again."

There was a fire, deep down in my gut, that I had never been able to truly extinguish. A fire Noah had lit years ago. A mine shaft burning like the depths of hell in my belly that I had buried under concrete and therapy, keeping it at bay.

In my apartment, tonight, that fire broke loose. And there was no stopping it.

"Are you fucking kidding me?!" I took a step forward, pressing into his space, index finger jabbing into his chest. "I was supposed to reach out?!"

He took a step back, eyes now full of fear.

"I professed my love to you, Noah! I told you I wanted you, and you fucking left!"

He puffed at me, pointing a finger back at me. "You told me to leave!'

"Yes! Because you told me you didn't love me! You told me you couldn't love me the way I loved you!"

He squeezed his lids shut tight, growling and turning away from me, taking several steps away. His hands came up, gripping the beanie on his head.

"God damn it Y/N!" He turned to look at me, a fiery rage matching my own behind his eyes. "Of course I fucking loved you!"

My heart stopped, completely motionless.

"What?"

"I've always loved you! From the moment I laid fucking eyes on you! I've never loved anyone, no one, the way I loved you!" He charged me, backing me toward the couch. "But I couldn't love you, Y/N! I wasn't good enough. I was a piss-poor high school dropout musician trying to make a name for himself, and, until recently, failing miserably."

I couldn't speak, thoughts racing so fast, I struggled to keep up.

"And you?" He pointed a finger back into my chest. "You were smart, and motivated, and you were going to make something of yourself. I couldn't drag you down with me. I couldn't force you to follow this journey with me. It would've ruined your life!"

My lungs weren't working right, and my hands were shaking. He wasn't actually saying this. I was hallucinating.

"So I left. I left to give you a chance at a real life. Which, evidently, you've managed to build without me." He took a step back, then, dropping his hands. "And I, somehow, without you."

This hurt me, hearing he had managed to become so successful, despite my involvement.

"Noah, I had no idea-"

"No," He cut me off. "you didn't."

I hadn't even caught the tears falling from my eyes, blurring my vision until he was just a watery mess in front of me.

"You didn't need me." I choked out, and he looked directly at me, inquisitively. "You've made it so far. You're a rockstar now, Noah."

He scoffed. "Y/N, you don't get it." He looked away from me, focused on the wall behind me. "I died without you. Something inside of me was lost the day I left, and I never got it back."

"Well, you're successful now, so it can't be so bad, right?"

He snorted, shaking his head. "Success always comes with a price."

My lips were wet with the tears I couldn't hold in, and I couldn't keep my breathing even. I knew he saw it, but hesitated to engage, wanting to keep a wide berth between us. I couldn't take it. It was too much.

Hearing he loved me. Hearing I had been wrong all this time. Hearing that the heartbreak I felt for so long wasn't his fault. He was protecting me, even after all these years.

"Noah?" He chanced a glance at me, and I saw his own eyes sparkling with moisture.

I couldn't take it.

I rushed him, grabbing hold of his shoulder and clinging on, desperate to find relief against him. My lips smashed into his, tearing apart the barrier I had worked so hard to build.

His hands grabbed me, holding me into place against him, his lips melted into mine, returning the kiss fervently. We were hopeless. We were hungry.

My tears didn't stop flowing, emotion pouring out of every pore. My fingers clawed at him, needing to get closer. My hand grabbed the beanie, and pulled it off of his head, his dark hair falling over his eyes. I gripped it at the scalp, trying to pull myself closer.

Feeling what I was attempting to do, his hands lifted me by the back of my legs, so I could wrap them around his midsection. I refused to disconnect the kiss, breathing in his soul. It was so real and so familiar. How I missed it like hell.

His legs carried us to the couch, where he sat us down. My legs straddled him, and I finally pulled away to tug at the sweatshirt he wore. He made quick work of pulling it up over his head while I did the same with my own. Reconnecting our lips, my hands wandered over his neck and chest, scratching at the fabric of his shirt.

His teeth caught my bottom lip, and I moaned into his mouth. His fingers pulled at the waistband of my pajama pants, and I lifted myself enough to slip them off, replacing myself on his lap. His jeans were already getting tighter as his hands smoothed up and down my thighs.

"Fucking hell." He looked down, staring at my bare breasts in front of him. "These got bigger, huh?"

I laughed, taking a deep breath. "Yeah, well, things change."

His fingers gripped around my left breast, lips falling to circle around the hardened nipple. I let my head fall back, relishing in the warm feeling spreading throughout my body.

"Still so fucking beautiful, just like I remember." I pulled at the hair on the back of his neck. "Did you miss me, baby girl?"

I ground my hips down against him in response. His hand began playing with the button of his jeans, and I moved it away to open them myself.

I stood up to pull his jeans down to his knees, his boxers bulging in the crotch.

"Oh, fuck." I sighed out. "Yeah, I missed you."

His smile then was devious, some of that regular spark shining back in his eyes. "Then show me, huh?"

Reaching into the opening of his underwear, I pulled his cock free, taking a moment to remember just how large it was. It had been a very long time since I had seen anything quite that impressive. Dipping my head down, I licked a long stripe up the shaft, lingering on the head to gather the precome leaking out.

"Holy shit." His head fell back on the couch, his eyes rolling back with it. "Mm, do that again, please?"

I smirked, looking up at him. "Only since you asked so nicely."

My tongue repeated the movement, drawing out a hard groan out of him, his legs twitching. "Fuck yeah, baby."

Without warning, I wrapped my lips around him and swallowed him as far down as my throat would allow, gagging on the tip as it struck my tonsils. His hips jolted upward, effectively fucking my throat.

"Please, Y/N, I won't last that way." He begged, his words only coming out as breaths. "I need to feel you, please."

He was begging, and I couldn't resist it. I needed him too.

I stood back up, and kneeled on either side of him, carefully lining him up with my entrance. When I sunk down, that delicious burn pierced through me, and my body collapsed onto him at the intensity of it.

"Noah, oh my God." He ran a hand up my back, allowing me a moment to adjust.

"I know, baby. I know." He soothed me, rubbing small circles into my skin.

My hips stuttered forward, needing to feel the friction. His hand reached down to grab my ass, and lifted me upward. Without warning, his hips snapped forward and fucked into me, making a sharp scream leave my lips.

My face rested on his chest, whimpers falling from my throat with each hard thrust.

"Fuck, you missed me, pretty girl?" He was panting between his words, his rhythm picking up speed. "Missed the way I fuck you?"

My eyes were rolling back, the tears from before now replaced with tears of raw pleasure.

"I'll bet you've never been fucked like this, huh?" His words were just tones of desire playing in my ears, his cock absolutely destroying me. "No one can fuck you like I can, baby. No one."

My nails dug hard into his shirt, begging for release.

"Let me know when you come, baby. Not finishing until you do."

Luckily for him, I was riding the edge so hard it was making the room spin. Biting my lip to keep from screaming, I lifted myself to look at his face.

"Noah," I searched his eyes, his hips not faltering. "I love you."

He grit his teeth, trying to focus on me and his hips at the same time. "I love you, too. So fucking much."

My face fell back down, landing on the side of his neck. "I'm going to come. Please, Noah, I'm so close..."

He, somehow, managed to pump into me harder, sending my body over the cliff and into the warm waves of my orgasm. My body went slack against him as my walls pulsed around his length.

I heard him curse, and his hips stilled. I felt him spasming inside me, and silently thanked myself for my IUD.

We laid that way, sweaty and heaving, for a solid ten minutes before either of us could find the strength to move. I slipped him out of me, and sat up to look at him. He looked absolutely wrecked, in the best possible way.

I smiled, feeling a warmth spread over me.

"Hi." Was all I could manage.

He chuckled tiredly. "Hi."

-

After our excursion, Noah and I had taken a few minutes to clean up, and, being as exhausted as you'd expect, decided to lay together for a while.

He told me he had to leave within a few hours to get back to his hotel, heading to the next city bright and early, so I told him I'd stay up until he had to leave.

However, in my bed, his arms wrapped tightly around me, his voice whispering sweet words in my ears, I struggled to remain conscious.

"Do you remember when I bought you that Oasis album for your fourteenth birthday? That was basically me professing my love to you."

"I was such an idiot. I should've just told you."

"You have no idea how much I've missed you. I don't think you'll ever understand."

"I'm so sorry. I wish things were different..."

And that's how I woke up, light in my bedroom far too bright, and my bed empty.

I don't know what I expected? For him to stay? Fuck off his tour to make up for lost time with me?

But still, my chest stung when I saw he had left, but I wasn't surprised.

Something had changed last night, and the darkness that lingered in the depths of my being had lifted, leaving me with a sense of hope I hadn't felt before.

When I had woken for the day, clearing the cobwebs from my eyes, I contemplated my next move. He had surely left town already, but that didn't mean I couldn't keep in touch, right?

Pulling out my phone, I found his contact, and opened a text thread.

Me: Hey, call me when you can. I think we have a lot to talk about. :)

I set my phone down on the bathroom counter, preparing to brush my teeth when my phone dinged, and the notification told me the text had failed.

Odd?

I resent it, getting the same response.

Why would my messages fail? I paid my bill, right?

Quickly dialing Ray's number, I held the phone to my ear and heard the ringing, so I knew my service was fine. Giving her a quick apology for waking her, I hung up, and went back to my texts.

His number was the same, right?

I went back to my call logs, seeing it was his number that called me last night, so it was the same as it had always been.

So...what the hell?

My finger hovered over the number for a moment, and I weighed the options before finally resolving to just call him. Make sure I wasn't losing my mind.

I held the phone to my face as I started brushing my teeth, waiting for the call to connect.

"The number you have reached is not in service. If you feel you have reached this message in error, please hang up and try your call again."

[loveharlow]

I neeeed a friends to lovers with rafe. like you’ve been friends for ages and always been a bit flirty but he’s get a girlfriend so you back off and he gets annoyed. so he invites you to the gym bc you always went together and he’s touchy and ends with a love confession.

i'm only doing blurbs rn so I had to shorten this a bit but i still feel like it encompasses your idea which is just chef's kiss btw😚 (also, this idea reminds me of that new Lay Bankz song thats been going viral:)

cheating, sexual innuendoes, heavy touching, allusions to sex

"Your ass is getting tighter." Rafe breathed out, setting the barbell down, letting the metal clank against the padded gym floors.

You scoffed, taking one last swig from your water bottle and shifting your weight, letting the now closed cup fall gently to the floor. Your hands were on your hips as you spoke through heavy breaths. "You can't say things like that to me anymore, y'know?".

The boy simply shrugged, standing from the bench and leaning against the metal that supported the equipment. "You never had an issue before."

"You didn't have a girlfriend before." You added, cocking an eyebrow and turning away from him to where the dumbbells were lined up against the wall and adjusting your sports bra. "Or are you just gonna pretend Sophia doesn't exist?"

The wall where the weights were had a large mirror behind it, allowing you to see Rafe creeping up behind you, swiping a hand down his face to reveal a smirk. "Is that why you been dodgin' me? What, she say somethin' to you?" He inquired, sliding a gentle hand around your waist to which you brushed off immediately, sighing and turning on your heels to face him.

"No, Rafe, she didn't. But I wouldn't blame her if she did." You informed, crossing your arms and paying no mind to the little distance between you two. "The flirting, the touching — you can't keep doing this. I'm not a home-wrecker or a side-piece."

"You wouldn't have to be if you had said somethin' first." He said so nonchalantly, reaching around to tap your ass as your jaw dropped.

You struggled to find words, stuttering over your sentences before he cut in once more. "Next time you want advice? Don't ask Top. A little vodka and he's an open book." He basically laughed out.

"...Well, whatever he told you, it's over now." You gained your composure, feigning confidence and carelessness as you pulled your workout shorts higher up on your waist and attempted to turn away once more.

"So, you don't wanna fuck me anymore?"

You couldn't help but laugh, partly out of shock and amusement, throwing your head back as your eyes zoned in on Rafe. "That's what he told you?" You asked incredulously, scoffing. "I've wanted to fuck a lot of people, rich boy. You're not special."

The sweaty male simply jutted out his bottom lip, ruffling his hair. "I didn't think you'd want me to bring up the part where he said you were in love with me." He retorted. "Y'know, since I have a girlfriend 'n all..." He mocked your previous statement, throwing his hands out and turning away from you now.

"That's..." You started, tucking stray strands of hair behind your ear, feeling your face heat up. "...completely untrue." You muttered under your breath. The somewhat playful banter had turned into dangerous territory for any conversation to take place.

You'd been trying to keep your distance from Rafe ever since he popped out with Sophia for this exact reason.

You bent down to pick up two ten-pound weights in hopes of ending the conversation there when an all too familiar hand fully grabbed your ass in one hand, squeezing so tightly that you let the weights fall to the floor, whipping around in shock.

"Rafe! Dude, what-"

"I wanna hear it." He whispered, a hand grasping your jaw and directing your gaze up to him.

"Hear what?" You forced out, your speech slightly slurred from the way he was pressing your cheeks together.

"You're too pretty to play dumb." He spoke lowly, eyeing you up and down. "We both know you still want me. So, just admit it and I'll give you what you want."

Your mind fiddled with the idea for a moment. You never considered yourself a homewrecker or anything of the sort but something about Rafe was so tempting at this moment, making your knees shake as you stood.

You knew what you said next would forever make you the villain in most people's stories but self-control was always something you struggled with.

"...I'm still in love with you."

"See? That wasn't so hard, was it?"He spoke against your lips, your faces just centimeters apart.

His free hand hooked into the waistband of your shorts, dragging them down as your eyes fleeted around the empty gym room. He dropped to his knees in front of you, dragging your bottoms the rest of the way down as he licked his lips.

"Next time, let's not make this so hard on ourselves, yeah?"

©loveharlow.

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[darkdevasofdestruction]

Heart Sutra ~ Buddha x Goddess! Reader

Gate gate para gate para sam gate bodhi swaha...

"Your pronunciation is getting better, Y/N." King Jataka laid on the grass, underneath a tree, watching the beautiful woman besides him create various models of flower crowns with her magic. "Really? You truly think so?" her charming smile seemed to radiate as bright and warm as the Sun itself. "Yes, I think so. A little more, and you can sing the Heart Sutra perfectly." Jataka found himself smiling also. "Ahh, you are being far too nice, 'Taka." she waved her hand dismissively, returning to her idle work. "Y/N, do you mind if I ask you something?" she hummed, encouraging him to continue. "You are a Goddess. Why have you been staying at my court, disguised as a Bodhisattva?" he asked, deep in thought. Y/N turned her head to look at him properly. "Why, you ask?" Y/N didn't have an immediate answer. "I suppose because it makes me happy." "Does it, really?" he murmured, intrigued. "I think so, yes." she smiled kindly. "Every time I see the smiles of people that I healed, my heart bursts with happiness, and I feel lighter. In this prospect, I suppose that yes, being here, among humans, and aiding them does make me happy." "You are always smiling." Jataka nodded his head, pensive. "You have the most beautiful smile I've ever seen." "Jataka." she called out his name, placing the flower down and leaning back on the tree. "What is bothering you?" "Ahaha... Saw right through me, didn't you? No wonder you're a Goddess governing the nature, peace and serenity. Only someone pure and benevolent like yourself could understand my troubled heart." the King spoke softly. "I am nearing the end of my life, and through this, I have come to realise that although I have done my duty well, made my people happy and that my kingdom is flourishing... You see... I feel... Unfulfilled. I feel... Empty. Like there is something missing. I feel... Deep unrest and... Sadness. As though I am nostalgic over something that I have never had... And never will."

"Your reason for sadness is the very reason over which I took a leave of absence from home, up there." Y/N gently wrapped her arms around the King, placing his head on her lap. "There is no creature alive that can feel happiness over being controlled by a higher being. We blame destiny and duty, or even Gods for out sadness... But the truth is, Jataka... We are the masters of our own destiny, and only we have power over our own lives." Y/N looked away with a sarcastic smile. "If only that were entirely true, huh?" "Lavishing in all these material luxuries, being hidden away from any misfortune, I have been ignorant over what it meant to live." the man sighed deeply. "As I watched the starry skies one night, from the balcony, I realised how vast the skies are - And if the skies are endless, then so must the Earth be. I watched birds fly, unhindered by any restraint, and I realised that I was nothing more than a caged falcon, bound by a rope, never allowed to venture too far. Since my birth, I have been told that I must uphold my duties as a prince - As the future King - And I did everything as best as I could, out of filial love and duty for the people I am responsible for." Jataka felt a sense of relief, feeling the Goddess' hand gently caressing his silvery locks. "Do you think I am selfish, Y/N? For wishing for my own happiness, for once?" "No, Jataka. I do not think you are selfish. Truth is..." though Y/N smiled, it was bitter, and a tear escaped down her cheek. "I am just a little upset that you did not realise it until it was too late." a few more tears followed close behind, surprising the young King. "You are such a good man, Jataka. It always pains me, seeing young men and women like you, who have done only good in their life, and are repaid with only misfortune. I hate how unfair life can be, and I hate that I am unable of meddling with diseases that humans cannot conquer yet. If I were to keep every living being alive, forever, than it would only bring calamity and a disbalance of life." Jataka felt a pang of pain in his heart, realising the emotional woman before him cared so much for him and all the people she governed over - Despite all the births, deaths and rebirths that she's witnessed over the course of aeons, for as long as she has been alive - She still couldn't get over the suffering of loss. "But if I make an exception with you, then I would have to make an exception with everyone, as my heart wouldn't allow me to spare one over the other. A cruel fate, out of which I cannot escape. And you, Jataka, are correct, you are no different - A beautiful song bird, trapped in a golden cage, embellished with the most precious jewels, forced to sing the songs of the nobles, yet unable to break free and witness and experience the world in front of your eyes; Unable to spread your wings and feel the air brushing through your feathers."

Y/N felt two gentle hands cradling her face, wiping away her diamond beads of tears which created blooming flowers where they fell on the ground. Jataka smiled, and kissed her forehead. "Having your love means more to me than anything else in the world." he spoke in a soft voice which mellowed the Goddess' heart further into trembling with emotion. "Though I cannot live the life that I wished, nor live eternal in this mortal husk that my body is - I have a single wish, that only you may fulfill. It is the only thing that can bring me a little comfort. Can you promise me something, please?" "Of course. I will do anything." she placed her hands over his own, intertwining their fingers together. "Please, take care of Siddhartha for me. He is still young and naive, still fooled by the luxuries of the palace. He needs you, the same as I do. He is a good man. Please, care for him the same as you did for me." the two locked eyes, and their hearts came to a deep understanding. A vow was formed, for millennia to come. "I will."

Weeks passed by, and though Siddhartha had no clue that Y/N was actually a Goddess, he enjoyed his time spent with her and Jataka. Ever since she appeared at his Kingdom, quite a while ago, he felt that those two were kindred spirits, in ways that few could accomplish, as though they could understand each other simply through looks and smiles. Or maybe that's how mature adults think. One of the two, he wasn't quite sure. Either way, he often teased Jataka about taking her as one of his wives. He always got scolded when he did.

Y/N wasn't the most talkative, but he always appreciated her care for everyone, including him. All her kind words and sweet actions towards people made the young man want to spend more and more time with her.

At some point, he even came over to her, offering flowers - He had the most innocent, boyish grin - He was so adorable, really. Still, for some reason, Y/N only smiled sweetly at him, kissing his cheek and went away. Though he was flustered, he also felt... Rejected? Maybe his intentions weren't obvious enough? He wasn't quite sure - Not to mention, Jataka just laughed, but gave him no answer. Was he teasing him? Ha!

Jataka's time was nearing its end, and for the first time since they've known each other, Siddhartha was met with a confusing confession for his elder brother figure - The validity of his happiness. Was he happy, truly? Was the material world was the soul's fulfillment was? Or perhaps he was too shallow to realise... Or too inexperienced? Jataka said he realised how much he wanted to see the world and... Live. Alas, he couldn't, not only because of his illness, but because of his duties as a King, trapped in the comforting gold of his kingdom.

He panicked, seeing his older brother's bitter smile, looking into the horizon at the setting Sun, and he felt dread, watching the blood dripping down his hand as he continued to cough.

When the country went into deep mourning, he was shocked not to see Y/N anywhere. She must be glued to the coffin, no doubt. Everyone knew she was the closest person Jataka ever had. As Siddhartha rode towards the kingdom, he saw the people sobbing and weeping for their deceased King.

"The life I lived, who did it belong to, in the end?"

"Do you truly think I am a happy person?"

These questions rung through Siddhartha's mind, as soon as he heard that one assumption - "The king must have been truly happy."

But was he, really? Who's to say he was actually happy? The kingdom's prosperity? The people's well-being? No war, nor famine or plague in the lands he was governing?

At once, Siddhartha came to a revelation. He jumped off his horse, and weeping, he started cackling loudly, making people believe his grief drove him to madness.

As expected, as soon as he entered in the temple, he was met with sobbing people, lots of flowers, and a single woman glued to the King's coffin. Yes, Y/N loved flowers, and consequently, so did Jataka - Hence why Siddhartha gathered a whole basket of field flowers and strutted all the way to the coffin, throwing flowers around.

"Siddhartha...?" Y/N's sweet voice called out to him softly as she rose her crying face to look up at him. "You were right. I understand now, and I admit, you were right." he smiled at her. "I won't say it a second time though." "What are you talking about?" Siddhartha moved his gaze to Jataka, and offered a melancholic smile. "Hey, bro. You 'bout ready to go out of here?" with extraordinary strength, Siddhartha picked Y/N and placed her gingerly on his shoulder, as his other hand held Jataka's coffin. He was completely deaf to all the others yelling at him to stop his mad actions. "Piss off. Whatever Gods you're praying at today - My bro Jataka doesn't need their blessings. Because happiness... Comes from within."

Y/N gasped hearing his bold words - And she started crying. She was proud of him. Afternoon came, and the two knelt on the ground, gazing at the beautiful King amongst the flowers, having his coffin lowered onto the river sheen. "You are free, my friend. Now go and find your happiness yourself." they watched him disappear into the horizon, engulfed into the red rays of the beautiful Sun.

For the first time in the many years since they've known each other, Siddhartha witnessed Y/N offering him her undivided attention. As soon as the silhouette of the coffin was visible no more, she threw her arms around his torso and sobbed like a child. Siddharta smiled, moved that someone cared so much for his bro, and he held her smaller form into his embrace. "Why are you crying so much, you little crybaby? Don't you know - Suffering is only a concept bound to the material world. One day, when we enter Samsara, our souls will reunite with Bro's, and we will be friends again, in our next life - Again, and again, until we reach awakening and attain Nirvana." his words sounded so wise, unlike the childish beliefs of yester-year. "It is alright to upset, the wound is still fresh and ablaze. But Y/N - One should find happiness in remembering the beautiful memories guiding your future, rather than mourning the past." "I am so proud of you, Siddhartha." her words were nothing that he expected, and the young man was taken aback. "You are right. Yes, you are entirely right. If only that life was kinder to benevolent souls like yourself and Jataka." she continued vaguely.

Y/N rose her head to look up at him, a wide smile through her tears. "But, Siddhartha, you see - That truth only applies to mortals. As a Goddess, seeing beautiful souls die so young... Beautiful flowers withering all around you, as the garden you tended with so much love and care dies upon winter... It hurts every time, and no matter how many thousands of years pass, I cannot get over the suffering that loss has on me." Siddharta frowned slightly, confused at her statement. "Goddess, you say? Ha! That's funny." he grinned at her. "You see, I have just come to the realisation that I absolutely despise anything that tries to control my actions. I am a firm believer that we seam the tapestry of our own lives through the choices we make. Now I understand why Bro was so upset last time we met. You knew all this, didn't you, you little minx?" "Of course I did." she huffed lightly. "Siddhartha - Do you hate me for not saving Jataka? Now that you know my identity, you must be very upset that I just let him die." The young man let out an over-dramatic hum, placing his hand to his chin as if to mock thinking, before he popped out a negative answer. At least he retained his childish vitality. "What are you Goddess over, anyway? You healed people. Goddess of Life or what?" "Nature, Peace and Serenity." Siddhartha let out a sound of understanding. "No wonder I and Bro felt so good around you! It's like everything was good around you!" he cackled weirdly. "Must be hard on you, huh?" his theatrical expression turned more gentle and kind. "Having to take care of so many things at once. You know, my wife told me once that she can feel what our child feels. I'm not sure how it works, but it must be similar with you and everything you create right?" Y/N nodded her head, albeit, bewildered at the accurate comparison that he figured out on the spot. "Having to feel the emotion of every living being must be a huge pain in the ass." Y/N giggled in amusement. "I love and care for every living being, Siddhartha. It is like a gardener tending to a flower garden. Every human, every animal, every tree. Everything has life, and their vitality, their energy surges through my veins." she explained, taking a step back. She rose her hands up to take his hair away from his tail, letting it swish with the wind. His hair was so long, that it matches her own. "You dig in the dirt with your own fingers, and you bury the seed of life. Every morning, every afternoon and night, you tend to this seed, and care for it - You water it and fertilize it, protect it from parasites and the harsher weathers. When it comes up from under the first, you see the cutest, littlest sprout, braving to live and grow more. You watch it get bigger, and stronger over the course of many days, until finally, it reaches maturity, and it blossoms into the most beautiful flower." she smiled widely, creating a gorgeous flower crown, which she placed on his head. "But once it reaches maturity, the risk of illness increases. It matures until it grows old. You watch it lose its vibrant colours, the petals fall off one by one, until only a frail stem remains, falling from the faintest breeze, until finally, the roots rot, and the flower is no more." Siddhartha's grim comment about life made Y/N's beautiful gem-like eyes gleam with emotion. "So is life, yes." despite being overwhelmed with emotion, Y/N continued to speak. "Out of all my flowers - Siddhartha, you are my most beautiful lotus flower, and I am most proud of you." the young man blushed in surprised. "Creating humans, creating life - It is the effort of the collective of Gods, not mine alone; But creating, and caring for, is different. I may not be able to look over every living being in this large, large world, but I am most honoured that I was able to meet you and see you grow into such a wise young man."

At once, Siddhartha pulled Y/N into a tight hug, swinging her around enthusiastically. "Awwww, you're the sweetest! You're making me blush!" Y/N was quickly beginning to get dizzy from all the twirling and swinging around from the awfully strong prince. "What did you promise Bro?" "Oh? You knew about that?" Y/N chuckled softly, trying to regain her balance. "I promised that I would take care of you, the same way I did for him." Siddharta grinned widely. "Nope!" Y/N looked at him, a little confused. "I've got a better idea, actually." he brought Y/N at arm's length, his hands placed firmly on her shoulders. "You knew I liked you, didn't you?" Y/N nodded her head. "But a mortal doesn't live long enough, so they can't hang around an immortal, huh?" Y/N's eyes lingered towards the river, before nodding again. "Welp, I've got an idea!" his dazzling smile was more charming than any God. "You see, I want to go on a pilgrimage, all by myself. I want to find myself, and my own happiness. I want to find my purpose. I need to do this alone - Though don't worry, if I am to encounter a like-minded friend, then we will travel together." he spoke. "Will you wait for my return, Y/N? Until I reach my Enlightenment and become an iteration of myself with which I can be proud of?" Y/N smiled dearly at the young man, glowing like the morning Sun. "I will wait for you for as many cycles it takes you to find me again. I hope that, by the time you return, you will have achieved true happiness, and I can see your beautiful smile again. Siddhartha."

The young man smiled brightly before pulling Y/N into a sweet kiss. "Something to look forward to." he gave her a peace sign before walking away. "See ya, Y/N! Laters!" "Have a safe journey, you little troublemaker." Y/N smiled dearly, waving at him. Though life as a God was long and tedious, and relationships were shallow, she felt a pure love like she's never experienced before. Whether she sees the young man again or not, she knew he was going to be just fine.

Since then, Y/N returned to the Gods, continuing her boring life, watching over the nature of Earth from above. Life truly wasn't all that exciting for deities living so long, but once in a while, something big happens - Big enough for the whole foundation of Valhalla to shake to the core.

If a human becoming a demi-God wasn't exceptional enough, considering the bravery and righteousness that Heracles displayed; A man had somehow attained supreme spiritual awakening, and ascended to the title of Buddha the Enlightened, the Wise. A human achieved Godhood.

Siddhartha Gautama

As soon as he saw the Goddess, completely frozen from shock of seeing him in Heavens, he let out a childish squeal and leapt on her, rubbing his cheek on her face as though he's a kitten or something. He told her how much he missed her and what not - Surprise! He even had his own brand of delicious lollipops to share with her! And lots and lots of chocolate too! Oh, and they had so much to catch up!

He told Y/N all about his journey and the people he met, those he guided on their path to achieving happiness, and all the sightseeing he did. Best of all, he reminisced all the awakening he did over the years - And how much he missed her! Haha, a joke - He is always determined to get what he wants, so of course, he was patient. Craving would only bring him suffering, thus the knowledge of knowing the Goddess was there, waiting for him, soothed his worried into a calm peace of mind.

Siddhartha - Now, Buddha - Still felt so giddy, being called by his name. Only Y/N could call him that, of course! No one else had that privilege. The more she spoke his name, the happier he was. Buddha ended up playfully pinning Y/N to the bed, kissing all over her face and tickling her, feeling his heart lighter with every sweet giggle she let. When she couldn't take the tickling anymore, the Goddess wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him flush against her chest; She took off his hair tie once again, and the pretty crown-like accessory holding it in a lotus-like style, and she caressed his locks soothingly. "I missed you." three simple words, yet they had the strongest effect on him. He felt compelled to engulf her in his strong arms, cuddling together, two hearts soulbound for an eternity of spiritual happiness.

Many, many years passed, and Buddha and Y/N were inseparable. Gods may argue, and so do humans, but never once did anyone even see them disagree on anything, let alone argue. Was it the endless patience and compassion of the Buddha, or that Y/N was always too kind to say anything that might upset someone, and detested confrontation; She'd rather walk away, or smile, instead of disagreeing with anyone.

That was their biggest similarity, but also, their biggest difference - Buddha was never one to back away from a fight against someone he couldn't stand - In his case, most of the Gods. Ironic, isn't it, he told Y/N so many times; How one can detest the very being they became, with the same strength that they love another just as much. He was a God who hated Gods, yet a God, who loved a Goddess as much as he loved the happiness and freedom he achieved.

"You have to find your own happiness within you." he told her once, watching Y/N dancing around the forest. Everywhere she stepped, flowers grew. "That may be so, Siddhartha - But my happiness increases whenever I see you." she bent to his side, grabbing his wrists and pulling him up to dance with her. Though all kinds of flowers bloomed wherever she stepped, hence why she always walked with no shoes on; Where Buddha stepped, beautiful white lilies grew. Together, they created endless flower gardens, more ethereal than any other God could make.

One would think eternal bliss was in store for them - Alas, one so connected to Nature as Y/N, was bound to suffer greatly, to the hands of the mankind she cherished so much. Buddha often saw how Y/N would try to sneak away into the forests, all alone. Though he hadn't seen her, he could sense her distress, her agony. After the third time that she refused to confide in him, preferring to keep the problem hidden, the newly Awaken God decided to confront her himself.

Instead, once he arrived at the edge of the forest, he found Y/N collapsed on the grass, writhing in pain. Panicked, he fell to his knees, cradling her in his arms, calling out her name; She seemed feverish and weak, but Gods couldn't contract illnesses, could they? Surely, they can't. He held her tight in her embrace, wishering the Heart Sutra in her ear over and over again, until finally, her breathing evened out, and the pain subsided.

"Pfeww, don't scare me like that, gorgeous! You're going to give me a heart attack!" he collapsed on his back dramatically. "Forgive me... I didn't want you to see me like this." Y/N sighed, rolling on the grass next to him. "I did not want you to see me cursing the humanity that I loved so much." "Humanity caused you this pain? What do you mean?" he turned to his side, his blue water lily eyes widening. "Take a look for yourself." she guided him to the edge of the floating forest. "Look there - They are at war. Countless people are dying all at once, the grass is drowning in blood, the animals are perishing." she sighed softly, before pointing to the opposite side. "And there - The deforestation, the excessive hunting - That whole hill is bare of life and decrepit, all so that humans may build and build and build some more." "Ahh, I see, so I was more right than I realised, though to think it would affect you to the point of being physically ill. My poor, poor baby Y/N!" he threw his arms around her, rolling on the grass with her dramatically. There was nothing that he could do to save her from this - It was the course that humanity took for itself, but perhaps there might be a way to somehow detach her, even by a little bit, from her connection with that which was created. Perhaps, that-a-way, the suffering may subside. Until then, however, he can only distract her with his love and playfulness. It was working wonders.

For thousands of years, humanity existed, with the will of the Gods, until that will was no more. Even Aphrodite herself, disgusted with the state of the world, agreed to decimate mankind. Shocked with the outcome, Y/N was the first to step forward and protest. Though she couldn't see Buddha looking at her, she could feel his presence and his lingering gaze. She wanted to fight for the mankind that destroyed her from within. None of the actions of humanity were directly affecting either of the Gods, except for her for the most part. She was the only one with the validity of voting, and if she wanted mankind to continue living, she had every right to vouch for them.

But they didn't care for her opinions - Instead, they laughed, saying her pain will disappear along with the humans, and she can achieve serendipity. How ridiculous. Thankfully, Brunhilde's plan of inducing Ragnarok worked, and thus, the thirteen fights were to take place.

Worried, Y/N quickly rushed out of the conference room, needing some time alone to regain herself. She was panicking and afraid. True, eliminating the humans was bound to relieve her heart of suffering - But at what cost? There were so many good people, innocent people out there, who did nothing wrong. Why should they perish, for the mistakes of others? Like how Adam and Even were cast away from Heaven, due to the disgusting lies and deceit of the Snake, so will billions and billions of other people suffer eternal Doomsday.

It wasn't fair.

A mother doesn't kill their own child for misbehaving. The Gods were being as selfish as always.

"N'aww, sweet-cheeks, don't tell me you're crying again! You know it breaks my heart seeing you like this!" though Buddha wasn't expecting to be pinned to the wall, Y/N's fingers digging deep into his shoulders. "We can't let them die, Siddhartha! We can't! They are innocent!" Y/N cried out, looking into his beautiful eyes. "Please, don't tell me you're on their side! We can't - We can't let them die! But what can we do? We are so few, against so many of them - And they're all so unreasonable and short-sighted." Buddha felt pain in his heart, listening to the distress of her voice, seeing the glimmering of her eyes. "I know! I'll... I'll fight for mankind! I... I've never fought in my life... But I am the Goddess of Peace. To know Peace is to know War; and to know War, is to know Peace. One must protect that which he holds dear. That's right, isn't it?" "Y/N." he called out in a gentle, calm voice. "Please, calm down." "Siddhartha...?" she found herself calling out his name. "You and I - We are soulbound, aren't we? We want the same thing. And you, more than anyone else in this world, know how much I hate being told what to do." he pulled her into a deep kiss. "And I'll be damned before I allow anyone to make you cry." Her distressed look turned into a content smile of relief, and she snuggled into his arms. "I love you so much." those words never failed to make his heart leap with joy.

Once Ragnarok began, Heimdall would call out the champions of the Gods, while Y/N would call the Mankind warriors to come over. It was the least she could do, apart from encouraging each of the fighters.

Mankind had a staggering two consecutive losses, and each time, Y/N took the short pause between matches to weep and regain herself. Staying in the ring for the duration of the fight, she used her magical powers to create a strong shield for the audience, so that none of the match-attacks would mistakenly harm anyone watching.

She felt sad yet emboldened seeing Lu Bu's tragic death, but also, his horse and brothers in arms asking for death, to be reunited in Niflheim with their General. She saw Thor smile for the first time in his life, after having fought with all of his mind against an honorable and strong member of mankind. Likewise, her heart shattered watching Adam's conviction is protecting his children from perdition, the very same she wished.

Thankfully, the great Sasaki was able to slash to death none other than Poseidon himself; Though not the most agreeable person, she still felt sad to see him gone forever. Alas. Y/N hugged the old man, thanking him for his resilience and strength before picking him up and bringing him to the infirmary.

The same happened with Jack the Ripper, a man despised by all mankind and humanity for being the scum of the earth. Y/N knew better - She knew all of their lives. In truth, though she disagreed with his actions, she pitied Jack, the poor man. He truly was a pitiable one. Unlike Poseidon, Heracles was wept by all, Gods and humans alike, whilst Jack got ostracised, ridiculed and insulted, even having stones thrown at him, despite already being injured. That angered Y/N.

"How dare you speak ill of the man who put his life on the line for humanity to keep living?! He has no descendants, he has no family - He fought for humanity, though he had nothing to gain out of it! He got the recognition of Heracles himself, and tied the score against the Gods with his shrewdness and wit - And yet you dare talk down to him? I don't see you in here, facing the wrath of the Gods who want you dead!" Buddha felt himself cackling from the stand, watching the Goddess pick up a grown man like he was a bride and actively healing him with love and care like none other before. What a darling she always was.

Unfortunately, Mankind lost the 5th match, with poor Raiden dying against Shiva, the God of Destruction. Still, the only good thing coming out of all the matches was that Y/N could sense the fighting Gods getting genuine admiration for the strength, selflessness and righteousness of humanity, beginning with Thor calling Lu Bu his friend, Zeus acknowledging Adam's strength in protecting his kin, Sasaki defeating Poseidon himself, Heracles loving humanity and Jack himself, and Shiva admiring Raiden's power.

And thus, the sixth match was to take place. The doors opened, and two rows of seven pink water lilies appeared - The familiar silhouette of Buddha appeared. Y/N looked at his unbothered face, blowing up bubblegum, his weapon lazily swung over his shoulder. He was smirking, winking at Y/N mischievously, reveling in the spotlight before he stepped by the Goddess' side and pulled her over into his side as he got to where the human representative was to stand.

He spit his gum in Heimdall's hand, snatching away his Gjallarhorn. "Excuse me. Testing. Testing." he spoke into the horn. "Uhhh... I'm gonna fight for Mankind. Ya dig?" the whole arena was in ecstasy. Numerous comments were thrown around, denigrating Buddha as he shattered the horn in his grasp. "Piss off." he pointed with his weapon towards Zeus. "Y'all made my girl cry. Screw you. If the Gods aren't going to save mankind, then I will. And if any God gets in my way..." he slammed the butt of the weapon into the ground, his expression now serious and devoid of any joy. "I'll kill 'em."

He truly is the kind not to take orders from anyone. Though Heimdall tried to press on that he can't switch sides, Zeus himself approved anyway. "Are you prepared to make enemies with all of the Gods?" "Dang, you're such a pain!" Buddha scoffed at Odin, pulling Y/N even closer to his side. "Remember what I said before? Whether you're allies or enemies, good or evil, Gods or Humans, none of that matters!" Buddha was glowing brightly with intense confidence. "In all universe, nothing else matters, except me!"

Such a narcissistic comment, added to the intense frustration of the Gods, made Y/N burst into laughter along with him. Two weirdos. "So, who am I fighting?"

The Seven Fortunes stepped into the arena and fused into a single deity. Vaisravana was no more, and instead, one called Zerofuku appeared. The Eight Gods of Fortune were actually a single entity. This Zerofuku guy was a real weirdo, even for their standards, and he confessed his intense wish to slaughter Buddha with all of his might, as he created his sinister weapons which got bigger and bigger the more misfortune he encountered.

Though Y/N didn't know of Zerofuku's past, he knew Buddha. He was able to take the misfortune of the humans into his own body, until he couldn't any more, only to receive discontempt and realise that those he tried to help were in no way less misfortunate than before. Material luxury and sinful indulgences did nothing to appease the soul. Instead, Zerofuku had to witness strings of people following Buddha in his path to Enlightenment. He got jealous, unable to understand his teachings - Yet somehow, no matter how cryptic or enigmatic Zerofuku found Buddha's words, the other people - Including those whom he helped previously - Began following the Awakened One close behind.

The more Zero attacked, the bigger his weapon grew, for Buddha could see the flickers of his soul and evade all the hits before they even happened. He was even taunting the God, intentionally or not, driving him into a mad frenzy. The few attacks that Buddha threw all landed with tremendous effect, earning cheers and applause from the audience.

Though he couldn't see Y/N reaction, Buddha was sure she was a worrying mess - That's her caring nature, after all - Yet seeing Zero's weapon growing as large as the whole arena, and him not moving from his spot, well - He feared she might be fainting on the spot, like a poor damsel in distress. Well, he'll just have to sweep her off her feet and protect her like the chevalier of light that he is!

Y/N knew, in theory, that Buddha's weapon transformed in each of the Six Paths identities depending on his emotions, and with his being a master at controlling his moods, he could form anything at will, more or less, so she wasn't all that surprised when the weapon transformed into a Shield to block the huge weapon. Still, she almost wished she could see all of the Paths.

Next, he used the Spiked Club of Nirvana, trembling to charge in an attack - And so he did, sweeping to the ground and causing lethal damage on the demon's side. The demon's weapon turned into two swords, to which Buddha made his weapon turn into a large halbert, easily countering every one of Zero's attacks. His misfortune was increasing, and his weapon turned into a multitude of hooks acting like snakes - He retaliated with a Vajra, running around and cutting them away to bits.

"Love yourself!" Buddha encouraged the poor demon. "I actually like you quite a lot, Zerofuku." that comment made the misfortunate one start sobbing and staring at the graceful God, shining brighter than the golden Sun. Zero's anger subsided and he finally understood who he really is, and what he wants from life. His weapon disappeared, and Buddha also threw his own to the ground, proposing an outright fist-fight. What a child, Y/N giggled, watching that playful smirk on his face as he intentionally allowed the pitiable demon to strike him back. Y/N could never image ever letting herself feel physical hurt just for fun - Alas, men were weird, and Buddha especially, was one of a kind.

Zerofuku was on the ground, sprawled, with all his misfortune and anger seeping out of his in a cloud. His purple hair turned pure white, and his blissful grin, that childlike innocence and glee were sparkling in his eyes. Buddha, also, was happy to have helped another worthy person achieve spiritual happiness - Until the horns on either side of his skull penetrated deep into his brain, worming their way inside his body. Zerofuku was engulfed by two dragons, one blue and one red. Buddha could do nothing to safe his new friend. Instead, he was forced to watch Zero disappearing, and a true evil appearing in his stead.

The Demon King of the Sixth Heaven, Papiyas, was reborn.

Buddha immediately leapt back, afraid for the first time, for there was a creature of pure darkness, whom he couldn't read. He hadn't an inkling of brightness in his soul which he could read. Y/N, like everyone else, was trembling from the sheer malevolence of the demon. Terrifying, Y/N ran in front of Buddha, standing protectively in front of him - She knew, if need be, her defense magic was second to none in Valhalla.

There goes this legend about a terrifying foe from Helheim - Hades told her this story once, dating before he was ruled of the Underworld - That this enemy destroyed half of the realm... Or rather, it was lucky enough that even half of it was left intact, to some degree.

Once Papiyas turned his arm into a weapon, Y/N summoned her polearm into her grasp, parrying the attack. The Gods all gasped - It has been thousands of years since they've seen the Goddess of Peace fight. In truth, it was only during the Titanomachy that she fought - To protect her Peace, one must go to War. It was an irony that she had to accept as a true axioma.

"H-Hey, Y/N, it's not your fight! Two people can't fight for a single side!" she heard Heimdall's shaky voice call out. "To hell with your rules, Heimdall! If this freak doesn't die, we're all screwed!" Y/N growled, struggling to push him back, counter and block all of his strikes that came at the speed of lightning. "If Zeus accepted the intervention of the Valkyries for all the other fights, then for goodness' sake, there's hardly any difference, is there?!" "I SHALL ALLOW IT!" Zeus' amused voice called out from the stands, as Y/N leapt back, just a step in front of Buddha. She was breathing heavily from the effort. "Siddhartha, stand back." her overprotectiveness was taking over her senses. "I will fight with my fullest power." Papiyas glared at the two. "THAT WAS YOU HOLDING BACK?!" Y/N cried out at him. "Gosh... Buddha, come over." quickly, Y/N placed a few flowers in his hair. "This will protect you from harm... I hope." she muttered the last bit, watching as Papiyas was preparing a drill-like strike called the Pandaemonium Cycle. Before she could react, Buddha dragged Y/N behind him, pulling his shield up - But the drill was capable of penetrating through it, gouging his left eye out.

"S...Siddhartha...?!" Y/N started, shuddering in distress at her lover's injury. He protected her, while he got his eye drilled into mush. "Don't worry about me, worry about that monster!" Buddha transformed his weapon into the sword away, engaging in an exchange of slashes that barely left a scar on the demon's neck. Buddha had to make adjustments to his attacks, because of his blindspot. fighting with one eye only as he was gradually being whittled down.

"Judgement." Papiyas smirked, impaling Buddha's foot, urging him to leap back once again. Y/N couldn't believe there were idiot Gods out there, begging for Buddha's death - Idiots. The Demon King pointed out Zerofuku was no more - He ate him - Shocking both Buddha and Y/N. What a monster, they thought, and the Enlightened one was feeling even more angered, enough to curse at him. "I've made up my mind. I'm gonna KILL YOU!" Y/N, nor anyone else, ever saw Buddha's wrath. Hopefully, it will serve him and humanity well. His staff transformed into the Hatred Emotion which created a weapon he's never seen before, the Warscythe of Salakaya, which had a menacing head of a roaring lion on it. "Preposterous." Papiyas spat. "For a piece of trash such as you, to defy a supreme being like me... I will waste no time passing judgement! And nothing could be more pleasant than that!" his laugh roared through the whole arena. "Stick that judgement up your ass, you sick fuck!" the audience gasped with the curse of the Goddess as Buddha attacked first with his blade, before unleashing an infernal fire towards the demon.

Blood spilled to the ground, though Buddha was the most confused of all. He was the one who initiated the attack, and it was his blade that cut away at Papiyas' arm. It was him who was supposed to get impaled by the enemy's weapon - So why the hell was Y/N standing before him like a meat shield, while he was unscathed?! "Y/N...?" his single remaining eye was wide with shock, staring at the blood splattering to the ground, and the soft tremble of her body. "The flower protected you." Y/N smiled weakly. "That is my happiness in life. Caring for those I hold dear to my heart." she giggled softly. "How pathetic. Any last words?" Papiyas grunted menacingly. "The whole world shall freeze over before I allow a pathetic little shit like you hurt my children. You, and all the Gods that oppose us - All who wish for mankind's erasure - I will fucking burn you all to death until there's nothing left of you to commemorate your wretched existence." Y/N smirked, grabbing Papiyas' arm and forcing herself through the weapon, sticking her own blade into his shoulder. That pissed the demon enough to kick her into the God behind her, toppling them to the ground. "Never do that again!" Buddha briefly scolded her. "Sorry, love, but I will do that, for as many times as my body keeps holding me. I am not strong, but I am resilient. It is you who can kill him, not me. If you are alive, we can win this. Together." Buddha got up, glaring angrily at the demon. "You have twice more, Siddhartha. That is my limit. After that, you're on your own. Use my power wisely." Buddha understood the implication well enough without any explanation - If he gets careless again, Y/N will die, protecting him. Similar to the story of the Moon Rabbit, so is she; Whilst the monkey, the fox and the bird gathered fruit, mean and nuts for the traveler to eat, the rabbit, knowing it could only gather some grass, threw itself into the fire for the man to eat him. Moved by the selflessness of the rabbit, the traveler, who was actually Sakra himself, made it so that the fire did not burn the rabbit, and instead, created the moon in its liking, and the fumes that would have burnt it, the fog surrounding it.

Still, Siddhartha did NOT want to see Y/N actually killing herself like that; Though an admirable and selfless act, he did not want to mourn her, the way he did Jataka long ago. He had to win. He MUST win.

"You're weak. Way weaker than Zero." Buddha taunted the Demon King into attacking him, and he parried all of his hits for as long as he could, before getting kicked away again. His continuing of the mocking caused the Demon King such rage, that he managed to find the perfect opening through his attack, impaling him again - Only, it wasn't him, but Y/N, much to Buddha's dismay. "Damn it, Y/N! Damn it, damn it, damn it!" he wanted to destroy the last flower in his hair, but he didn't have the strength. "One last chance, Siddhartha. Don't waste it." Y/N felt so weak as she got thrown away to the other side of the arena, rolling to the ground like a used ragdoll. "Y/N!" she heard her lover called out, afraid for her life - But as long as the flower of life was pulsating energy within him, he was reassured she was still alive and continuing to actively heal him.

Buddha continued his plan of mocking the enemy, causing him uncharacteristic fright, to the point that he tore off his arm to create a mighty weapon.

Buddha attacked again, though surprisingly, the blade of his Scythe got cut off and shattered to the ground. "Seriously...?!" he gasped, not having expected his Divine Treasure to break, of all things. He tried to defend with his staff, but that, too, broke, sending him away. He was sent to the ground, crashing down with such force that he couldn't move. "SIDDHARTHA!" Y/N cried, crawling to his side and holding him in her arms. She tried desperately to heal him, but he was unconscious, thus nothing she could do. As Papiyas was menacingly approaching, Y/N used her weapon to hoist herself up, creating a shield to protect the two until he woke up.

Thankfully, Buddha achieved enlightenment once again, and he got up, holding Zerofuku's old weapon. The crown holding his hair together shattered, and his gorgeous hair was shown for all to see. "Thank you, Y/N, Zero. Let's fight together, yes?" Y/N smiled sweetly, seeing him confident once again. "Yeah. Let's." despite her bloodloss, Y/N smiled, preparing her weapon. "Samavadhana Volundr!" Buddha and Zero together created a Divine Weapon that only Buddha could attaint through sublime enlightenment. A gorgeous and strong weapon, containing the strength and feelings of all the Gods of Fortune.

Ready to fight, Buddha kept up perfectly with the Demon King, parrying all of his attacks as strong as never before - And he was grinning, confident and self assured, even managing to inflict massive damage, at the cost of some minor injuries on himself. Still, he had to finish things fast, before either he or Y/N perish. He managed to slash away perfectly at his chest one again, though it wasn't as deep as he'd have liked. The climax was approaching fast. Y/N stepped by his side, holding his hand to transfer the last bit of energy into him, so he could keep going - At this rate, he'd only get more injuries, so at least he must keep his vitality and strength, for as long as it lasts. The one sided exchange of life that only Y/N could gift to another.

No matter how Papiyas continued to attack, Buddha was so fast and accurate that no more hit grazed him. The last ultimate attack of the Demon King - All thought landed, but instead, it was a clone, crumbling in an array of petals. Y/N grinned impishly, pointing behind him, as Buddha was ready to kill the foe.

Just as he turned, the last thing Papiyas saw was Buddha's Godly form, perfect beyond boundaries existent to Godhood, and the sword of light, love and compassion shined bright through the dark arena, slicing down the Demon King in two or three. different parts. It didn't matter that Papiyas tried to attack again, for Y/N slapped his hand away, watching as Niflheim was crumbling him to dust.

Somewhere in the sky, the light of heaven showed the happy soul of Zerofuku and the other Seven Gods of Fortune, ascending to Nirvana - Together, in friendship. Buddha couldn't contain his tears of glee, as he brought Y/N into his side, holding the sword dearly into his grasp. Everyone was chanting Buddha's name as he reveled in his win. The sword disappeared, but a bird that loved Zero sat on it, weeping for the loss of its benefactor.

Barely able to stand up, Buddha used all of his strength to drag Y/N out of the arena - Somehow, he was rather sure she was in a far worse shape than he was, having taken two direct hits like that. Not only that, but the refreshing feeling of the gentle caress that Y/N's energy felt, healing him, was keeping him very much alive and giddy. "You were so cool, Y/N. I didn't know you could do all that." Y/N smiled enigmatically. "They say true strength can be found when protecting that which is dearest to you. The truth is, Siddhartha, that I love you more than anything else is this world. You make me the happiest I've ever been." "Ha! Hear you, all sappy and sweet! Y'know you're gonna make me melt!" he cackled, pulling her into a gentle kiss, afraid of causing her more pain. "Let's get all better and continue rooting for humanity, yes? We've done all we could. The rest is their burden to bear - And I think they've done a pretty damn good job so far, don't you think?" "Hella." when she lost strength in her legs, Buddha immediately reacted, picking her up and cradling her in his arms like a princess. "If I didn't know better, I'd say you did that intentionally." he teased her, kissing her forehead. "If most of my blood was inside of me, and not out in the arena, it would have been intentional." she smirked back at him just as comically.

After getting the much required medical care, they continued watching the matches from the comfort of their chamber, laying on the comfortable, fluffy bed, cuddled in each other's arms. Y/N had tied his hair up again, and instead of his golden crown, she replaced it with one made of flowers. He, in return, caressed her hair until she relaxed completely, singing softly the Heart Sutra for her, for as long as it took for her to achieve a much needed peace.

All things are empty: Nothing is born, nothing dies, Nothing is pure, nothing is stained, Nothing increases and nothing decreases. So, in emptiness, there is no body, No feeling, no thought, No will, no consciousness.

There are no eyes, no ears, No nose, no tongue, No body, no mind. There is no seeing, no hearing, No smelling, no tasting, No touching, no imagining. There is nothing seen, nor heard, Nor smelled, nor tasted, Nor touched, nor imagined.

[huggybearluvr]

"So let me get this straight you've been dating some hockey star from Vancouver for the last six months in secrecy..." you trailed off taking in the dump of words that just spilled from your best-friends mouth, " And now we are spending a two weeks at his families lake house in Michigan?"

"Yes, Quinn invited the both of us to come to Michigan for two weeks this summer," She stated as she pulled out both of your suitcases.

"Wait- how does he know I exist?"

"We've been dating for six months and you don't think I've told him about my bestfriend?"

"fair, when are we leaving?"

"Tomorrow ten am," She smiled as she passed you your suit case.

"So now im dropping everything to come to Michigan with you?" You asked.

"Yes." She smiled happily dragging her suit case to her room as you did the same.

-

The next morning you woke up to Gianna banging on your bedroom door that you had to leave in 20 minutes if you wanted to stop and get star-bucks.

You quickly pulled the comforter off you slipping into some sweatpants a tank grabbing your zip up just incase it was cold on the plane.

You dragged your suitcase out following Gianna down to her car. You both loaded up the jeep heading off the the airport.

-

"Here's your ticket, I don't think we can sit together since I missed early check in," She frowned handing you the aisle seat leaving her with the middle. She knew you hated the middle and preferred the aisle.

You took the ticket following her up to the boarding line.

You checked in with the attendant and headed onto the plane. You found your seat throwing you carry on into the overhead and tucking your back pack under the seat infront of you.

You looked over to see a women in her mid 30's at the window and you secretly crossed your fingers that no one would have the middle seat.

Gianna was only a few rows behind you squished between too teenagers. You definitely got the better seat. As boarding was coming to a close you watched as two men about your age rushed onto the plane.

They walked the aisles looking for their seats. The taller blonde boy, smiled down at you, "I'm in the middle," He spoke softly.

You smiled back nodding as you stood up to allow him into his seat.

Once he had settled into his seat you sat back down. Opting to put your headphones on and relax.

-

As your plane had landed at the airport you waited for them to allow you to get off.

Once the flight attendant had given you the go ahead you stepped out into the aisle.

"I think I might have thrown my stuff on top of your's if you want me to grab mine first?" The boy beside you asked following you stepping into the aisle.

"Sure," You smiled as you stepped back allowing him to remove his bad. He placed it down in the walk way beside him, before reaching back up to grab you bag. He placed it down gently infront of you with a smile.

"I'm Luke by the way," He smiled.

"y/n," You smiled back before turning to look behind you Gianna was stuck a few rows back. 'meet me outside.' you mouthed to her as you followed the line of people off the plane.

Gianna had joined you outside the plane and you both made your way to the baggage claim.

"Quinn is picking us up he should be somewhere around here," She spoke looking around the baggage claim area.

"Okay, I think ours is over there," You said pointing over to the claim area for your flight.

The pair of you headed over that way when Gianna spotted her boyfriend and ran over there.

You watched as she clung to him as if it were her last chance to ever hug him. You laughed to yourself as you walked over.

"Y/n, this is Quinn, Quinn this is Y/n," She spoke turning to face you as his arm draped around her waist.

"It's nice to meet you, I've heard a lot about you," He said with a soft smile.

"It's nice to meet you too," You smiled.

"Alright you two stay in this area and find your bags, I am gonna go try and find my brothers, they were on your flight," He smiled as he turned to walk around the claim area to find his two brothers.

"So, how was your flight?" You asked knowing that she was squished between to teenage boys who had to get multiple warnings from the flight attendants to quiet down.

She rolled her eyes before answering, "it was terrible, how about you? I saw you chatting it up with the guy next to you," She smiled nudging your arm.

"Just friendly, Gianna, I am never gonna see that guy ever again," You spoke as you pulled your bag off the belt.

Once Gianna had hers you returned to the spot Quinn had told you guys to stay around. It wasn't long before he reemerged through the crowd to boys following behind him.

"Gianna, Y/n, these are my brothers Jack and Luke," He spoke as he returned to Giannas side taking her suitcase from her.

You looked up from your phone to see the boy you had met earlier, he was already looking at you, you smiled softly.

"Hey it's nice to meet you guys," Gianna spoke with a smile.

"Lukey, here has already met Y/n, isn't that right Luke," jack spoke playfully hitting his younger brother on the back as he cheeks turned a pale shade of pink.

---

Series Masterlist

[olderthannetfic]

I know the response to this will be "WRITE FOR YOURSELF!!!1!" but when I look at things I worked really hard to write that have zero comments and the things I threw out there on a whim that actually appear to have made people happy, I feel so much less motivated to write the former. I know I'm supposed to be "doing it for myself" but I don't know what that means. It feels like those 90's movies saying "be yourself" or my therapist saying "be authentic". It's a nice enough sounding thing, but what does it mean? Does it mean writing in obscurity is more pure or more artsy? Is it supposed to be more moral and demonstrate integrity?

There's an agreement in fandom that writing for others is bad. It's impure. It's selfish. But no one has really ever explained why. Nor am I getting much out of writing a story that means a lot to me and getting dead silence in response. I like entertaining others and making them smile.

I can practically feel the, "uh, back in my day fic was hosted on a server and we didn't see hit counts let alone get comments and we were happy with it because we weren't whiny and in need of validation like Gen Z!!!1!" people gearing up to yell in the replies that they're good writers who don't care about comments. That's great for them, and I mean that sincerely. But equally sincerely, how are you supposed to maintain passion for something no one else is interested in? I've been told it's better to get validation via hit counts or bookmarks but numbers don't really do anything for me. Someone saying, "I loved this! Can't wait to see what happens next." can make not just my day but my week.

I know what people say. Fandom isn't a popularity context. It's not social media. You're not supposed to like talking to people about fandom things. But... I do. And the utter silence that is modern fandom - of the 100 last published fics in my fandom, only 10 have comments, and only 4 have regular commenters - is just really not fun to me.

--

Yes, lots of people do think it ~demonstrates integrity~. People who never finish anything.

People who actually succeed at making art will say superficially similar things, but what they mean is "If you write things you aren't actually interested in, you will either burn out or the art won't actually be satisfying to the audience or both".

--

The thing about back in the day is that we only got comments. You're dead wrong about that part. Yes, people whined that there wasn't enough feedback, and they will continue to whine about this until the end of time, but your description misses the most important part about the rose-colored glasses and what people are trying to explain about the past in most of those posts:

We couldn't see the lurkers (hit counts) but we did see some actual interactions. This allowed us to imagine that the comment rate was way higher than it actually was and to see fandom as a close-knit community (which was maybe somewhat more accurate than now but never as true as people believed).

--

You have fundamentally misunderstood what the (saner) posts about this are saying.

You shouldn't care about overall numbers. You should care about meaningful social interactions. Obviously, people like connecting with others via art.

Fandom is not a popularity contest. That's why you should enjoy talking to actual peers about things. Genuine connection is not about being a celebrity with fans: it's about making friends.

--

Some fandoms do have interactions. Maybe if you start interacting with others' works, that will help. Maybe you need a different fandom. "Modern fandom" isn't this total wasteland with no interaction, nor do most people find a total lack of it fun.

[smartie-chan]

Long rambling incoming in 3,2,1...

I know that I'm not really any kind of big celebrity in the Stobotnik world. The only thing I've got going for myself is the fact that I've been there since the very beginning, with my one 'I'm so proud of this community' Meme getting a like or two every full moon or so. It's also been a hot second since I've written a Stobotnik Fic, and yet, I've never really left the fandom. Far from it.

So boooooy, when that trailer dropped, let's just say, I've been going wild! That being said, I have calmed down a tiny bit and woud like to share my two cents with you all.

Especially since, considering how gay the trailer was, I've noticed people kind of leaning into either of two camps.

Team 1: They might actually make it canon y'all. This is not a drill!!!!

or

Team 2: This is the most intense queerbaiting I've ever seen, but fuck it, take my money!

Now, I will tell you where I'm standing at the end of things, but let's talk facts before I do, shall we?

I know Jim & Lee were having fun on set during Movie 1, but I doubt either of them expected us all to get quite this feral over these two evil man. In fact, I'm not sure what their plans were for Agent Stone in general. I'd love to believe that they saw us freaking the fuck out and decided to make Stone a big part of the sequels because of that. But then I look at the Robotnik Mushroom Planet scene and think: They gave this man an actual stone to hold onto, going so far as to carve Stone's face into said stone, just so he could pretend he wasn't alone and Stone was still with him. Clearly, Robotinik was never willing to admit that he cared, admit that there could be someone who he had allowed to get close, given that there had never been anyone before who had cared enough about HIM, so why should HE make the mistake of caring about someone else either. Cause, you know, it's easier to pretend there's noone than admit that there could be, just to realise that you were wrong actually. And yet. Despite all that he held onto Stone the stone, like his life depended on it. I love that scene because it's hella gay, but I love it even more because it's amazing writing, giving us the payoff for the forshadwed "I won't miss you when you're gone" scene from way back when. They didn't have to do that. And yet they made that choice. Included that moment for a reason. So I'd love to think that even back then, they were very willing to play with the dynamic of them going forward.

Clearly things and plans changed After Movie 1 , after we saw these two and made Stobotnik as big as it is. I'll talk about movie 2 in a hot second, but let's return to the way they promoted 2 first. Cause THAT was CLEARLY queerbaiting ... or was it... ? For you see, they knew what they were doing, they knew how to get us all excited , posting this on Valentine, letting Sonic make a heart, drawing the whole thing in a romantic light, going so far as to include bi-lighting in the trailer. On top of the latte art that was designed to get us queers to show up. I saw that art, freaked out and showed it to all of my friends. One friend, let's call her Barbara, smiled at me, like you smile at somone who still believes in the Easter Bunny and told me she hoped I knew they were playing with me. In fact, she was kind of dissapointed I allowed them to get to me so much. And I KNEW. I knew they were trying to bait me. I'm not stupid. This isn't the first time I've been queerbaited after all. And it won't be the last time, that's for sure. And yet, I didn't care because I loved that they acknowledged us. Loved that they were willing to give us something, even if it wasn't actually real and they were clearly NEVER going to include actual ship latte art of Stone & Robotnik together. Cause that would be gay. Haha. And those two totally weren't gay. Ain't I right? :)) Queer rep has gotten more common and yet, so has queerbaiting. Cause nowadays the chance that something could be actually made canon is way more likely than it was, let's say, 15 years ago. So companies love to use that, love playing into that even more. Like, do I have to remind you all what they were doing for the Deadpool & Wolverine movie marketing ??? Just saying.

As much as I love Lee and as much as we're loosing our marbels every time he as much as winks in our direction, I'll not be using any of his posts as evidence for the points I'm about to make further down. Cause, you know, at the end of the day, he's just one of us as well. Another shipper. A hella supportive shipper who may or may not have had a hand in the way he portrayed Stone, but still. Love you Lee. Thank you for having our back!

So now. Movie 2. And the godforsaken Maid Dress Scene. I hope we are all proud of ourselves. Cause that scene was our doing. I promise you, promise you!!! they didn't have that planned before the fandom happend. They saw us and were like "You can have this. As a treat :3". Personally I didn't freak out as much as the rest of you all, but I'm glad you guys had fun. It was a gift to us after all, so I guess it's fine if we enjoyed it. Jokes aside though, let's get back to what movie 2 did, even though they may or may not have realised it at the time. As in: They made Stobotnik canon. What do you mean by canon, Smartie?????, you might ask. And I'll answer, cause it's simple: I mean canon, as in canon. Yes, that's right. Stobotnik has been canon for a while... or... at least 50% of it. Let's get back to the Latte, shall we? Back then I thought they were making fun of us. Queerbaiting at it's finest. And then the movie happend and Stone confessed his love right then and there for the world to see, basically drawing fanart into Robotnik's caffe for who knows how long and Robotnik? That stupid -3000 IQ genius knew. He fucking knew!! Has always known and was either unwilling to read between the lines or mistook the affection for simple loyalty. Not-Spoiler: It's the later by the way, because we have that deleted scene. That beautiful deleted scene. But let's get back to the art for a second. Because I was basically dying in my seat. And I didn't think people were talking about it enough, cause it was the proof, not that stupid maid outfit that was simply put in as a joke that audiences were supposed to laugh at. But this. This! The whole scene were Stone was lovesick and heartbroken, drawing art of his lost non-lover, the way the life returned to his eyes the second said man returned, on top of literally all of him for the rest of the movie prooved one thing to me: Agent Stone was in love with Dr. Robotnik. It's clear he's never said so out loud, and for a good reason, but he didn't have to. It was so obvious anyone with an IQ lower than 299 could have seen. Just a shame that that one 300 IQ guy couldn't. So now, deleted scene time. Woopwoop. :P Recall how they had planned to make Stone even more in love and heart-eyed - JESUS CHRIST MY GUY - but went for an alternative scene instead? In case you aren't familiar with the scene, it's basically Stone telling Robotnik how he's followed his guide-lines, making the Stone Comic Canon, how he's made sure noone touched his babies, how he's known he'd return, how he's waited for him all this time cause he knew KNEW he'd come back and for a second there Robotnik doesn't know what to say. He looks that man in the eyes and for a split second he wonders, questions, and then... then he's scared. Scared of what that could mean. Scared that he could actually mean something to someone and he panics and decides to use violence to laugh it off, to refelect, to pretend that in that moment, he didn't actually feel something. That Stone didn't make him feel ... vulnerable. Because at that point, he cares too. He's not ready to admit it, at least not without having to joke about it. But he does. He does!! And the thought of it being mutual scares him. Probably more than anything ever has. Because if he allows this, this feeling to settle and bloom, he's got to admit that this, whatever it is, has the power to destroy and hurt him. And he can't do that. Maybe not again. Maybe not ever. Not now. Not now that he's what... 40? and has found peace with the fact that he'll die alone.

I know they were leaning into Stobotnik a lot, but they also... kind of didn't, following the natural consequences of the stuff they had set up in the prior movie, allowing Robotnik to go through an actual character arc. It's subtle, and he's still and asshole - always wil be - but that doesn't change the fact that his arc still exists and is actually very well done. Stone doesn't really have that obvious of an arc. Because it's not really much of an arc, we're just learning more about him, fleshing out his character. The only thing we know for certain is, that he adores and loves Robotnik and that he's willing to betray everyone and everything for him. Even if Robotnik never loves him back. He's accepted that, as long as he's alowed a place at his side.

And now, my fellow shippers, movie 3. Or rather, pre-movie 3. And the much discussed question: Are we getting queerbaited? Well, that depends how you define queerbaiting, doesn't it? Is it queerbaiting if it's unrequited love? Cause that's our current standpoint. Stone has found his doctor, nursed him back to health, lived with him, been by his side for months (years) and the only thing that is standing in their way now is: Robotnik's feelings. They have great build-up, put this man on a path, shown us how he's grown and now all that's left is to see, how they'll decide to finish his story. If I look at all that's happend up to this point, from a writing/writer stand-point, I'd say, that it would make sense for Robotnik to admit, that he cares. Cause that has been his arc, his journey. To admit that yes: He doesn't care about humanity, but he does care about Stone. Has for a very long while in fact. Be that platonic, or romantic. Doing literally anything else would not make sense at that point and would actually be an insult to their own work. And their writing has been pretty solid, so I'm confident we will get something. Especially since... I HAVE seen the leaks. Now, storyboards are just that. Something from early development, something that could change. Which is why I'd normally ignore them.... iiiiiiiif it weren't for that one line from the trailer. That one. fucking. line. That made me realise: Holy shit, those mad lads are doing it. They are finishing Robotnik's arc. That's when I understood why Team 1 was loosing their marbels. Because,

SPOILER!!!!! he is going to admi it. He is going to admit it to himself, and he's gonna do something so wild and crazy it scares me more than you understand. The only question is. Will he surive to tell the tale? And if he does, will he be brave enough to share that admission with Stone?

END OF SPOILER

I don't have links to the storyboard. In retrospect, I should have saved them. But what's done is done. Not that I cod delete the knowledge of what I've seen even if I tried. People seem hesitant to tell people all they have seen, cause those of us who have, and know the Sonic 2 story seem to have a good understanding of what and when that spoiler is taking place. And especially what outcome it seems to be leading into. But, if anyone asks, I am willing to share what it was I saw. If you really wanna know. If you are truly sure.

That being said. How do I feel about Stobotnik? I don't think we're getting a kiss. But I think (and hope) we're gonna get a moment. A moment of Robotnik being open, of him sharing that Stone means somethig to him. They even have the potential to include a joke here, of Stone perhaps attempting to hug Robotnik, for him to allow it for 3 seconds or so, only for him to punch Stone and say something along the lines of: "Okay, that's enough." You know, something close to the High Five moment, just THIS TIME they actually do the high five (or hug). You can have the feels and the joke. It's still Robotnik after all. It's what I'm hoping for, actually, cause I don't think Robotnik is ready for THAT admission quite yet. A hug though? That I could see.

I know we still have to fight against being exploited and played with, but that being said, I don't think love confessions have to always be that huge thing, that clashing of tongues and body parts. They can also be soft and quite. A moment of vulnerability and trust. Of openness. In fact, if Robotnik were to allow Stone a hug, it would be even more impactful than a kiss could ever be. He's hugging Gerald in the trailer, so they have shown me that they are not afraid to make this man hug.

It gives me hope. And it - and the leaks - are the reason why I'm Team 1. I think we could actually get canon Stobotnik you all. And I'm so hyped you don't understand. Let's see what Stobotnik marketing they are going to feed us over the next few months. I, for one, am looking forward to it. ^-^

Live long and prosper 🥚🖤🪨

[hg-aneh]

You don’t have to answer this but I hope you read it. I just now saw that you wanted to settle things privately and I feel like a dick because

Well. I hope you’re doing alright and that you have lots of warm blankets and all your favorite drinks of choice nearby. ♥️ I was upset on your part. Lots of good vibes to you.

Hey, don't feel bad about it, I know your intentions were definitely not bad with this, and I'm very appreciative of the gesture regardless of how I wanted to handle things personally

What has been bothering me however is the way people are reacting about this being brought up to Neil

I know it can be mortifying to the fandom at large, but sometimes, some people on the internet won't stop or listen to reason unless some higher authority tells them to do so (which, in this case, it would be Neil), and the people who come to those higher authorities are only trying to make things right, it's all!

Also, he's got over a thousand asks on his inbox and he decided to pick this question to answer by his own volition

No one was pressuring him to do so and he's not going to leave the platform or close his askbox because someone gets a bit too personal with him, he's said before that he just deletes asks that make him uncomfortable, which wasn't the case here so that should tell people enough about it in my opinion (you are completely allowed to disagree)

I've also seen people considering this whole thing just "drama"-?

Listen, I know those people are not me and that theyre not in the position I'm currently at, and by God I hope they never EVER will be

But look. I haven't told anyone (besides 2 friends who watched everything unfold very closely and have helped me with receipt-safekeeping) all the details about this situation, nor have I gone out of my way to talk about it fully with anyone or allow myself to process this whole thing completely, but I assure you, it is not just drama

The way the buildup of all of this messed with me almost made me k-ll myself about a month ago

I can see why people would think it's just something silly since they don't have all the details (and I'm not planning on revealing them unless something big comes up), but please, to those people, think of that for a second, think of everything I haven't talked about. Just. Keep that in mind before you call this drama

I'd really appreciate that

[goldengleams]

cut my hair - l. hughes

In which you and Luke come back to each other after you cut your hair.

Warnings: alcohol, underage drinking, angst, college melodrama Word Count: 4.5k words (let's go!!!)

A/N: Super excited for this one! This is inspired by “cut my hair” by Tate McRae and I would encourage you to listen to it while you read! Hope you enjoy and leave me some requests while you’re at it :))

Just wanna cut my hair, lose myself, make you sweat

Go out and get messed up, find myself in your bed

Just wanna cut my hair, little black dress, can't forget

Just wanna show you whatever she do, I can do it better

"Yo, Moosey, is that Y/N?"

Luke couldn't help but follow your figure from across the bar. He could always find you in a crowd, no matter the amount of people or the size of the room. His hand dropped from the shoulder of the girl standing next to him, his date for the night.

"Uh, yeah. Yeah, I think so," Luke said to his teammate Mark standing next to him. He suddenly felt hot, pulling on the collar of his shirt to allow himself to breathe a little easier.

"She looks good, man." Mark wasn't wrong, you did look good. Your head was thrown back as you laughed at something your friend said, looking happier than he had seen you since you fought before winter break.

Luke wanted to slap Mark but he knew it would do no good and he would be lying if he said he didn't agree with his comment. It had only been a few weeks since you had stopped talking, but he felt like it had been years.

You looked different, but it was a good different, he thought. Your hair was short now, right at your shoulders, highlighting your collarbone and your chest in the strapless black dress you wore. You were surrounded by a group of your friends. He recognized them as the ones who had picked you up from the house he shared with his teammates that fated night. He remembered how hard you had cried, unable to look at him after you fought about him leaving for New Jersey and the trust issues that clouded your vision. Luke remembered how he was unable to answer when you asked when the last time you had gone out on a date was. He wished he could've shown you how much he cared but he was too afraid to admit that he didn't want to lose you. He couldn't admit that he was just as afraid as you were. And then, before he knew it, you were storming out and you were on a break.

Luke regretted that moment. He couldn't tell you, because he was too nervous to text first, but he wanted to apologize. If he could have stopped himself from ever pushing you away, he would've never ended up standing with someone he didn't know.

Luke and a few of his teammates had been invited to a sorority formal, which is how he ended up in the back of a more formal bar far away from campus with a date he barely knew. Rutger's girlfriend had begged a few of the guys to go with some of her sorority sisters and Luke and Mark agreed, but he wanted nothing more than to be by your side.

"Dude, you're staring" Mark commented. "Maybe you should go talk to her."

"I don't know if she'd even give me the time of day," Luke said. “I fucked up.”

"You'll never know unless you try, Lukey. Besides, you probably just caught her on a bad day. What did you say to her anyways?

"I told her that she was overbearing and that I was going to leave soon anyways,” Luke said, close to Mark’s ear so his date couldn’t hear him.

“Oh,” Mark stammered. “Yeah, that’s bad, Luke.”

“Thanks,” Luke chuckled humorlessly.

“She’ll hear you out, dude. Just tell her how you really feel. Trust me, girls love honesty!" Mark said, already moving away from Luke to follow his date to the dance floor.

Luke sighed, rolling his eyes at Mark's immaturity. He knew he was so focused on his future that he had lost sight of the present-his college teammates, his classes. Most importantly, he had lost you. Maybe this was his chance to get you back.

I've been playing nice little too long, yeah

Drivin' on the high road hit a dead end,

I'd tell you but we just don't talk,

I've been having selfish thoughts

Your friends were so excited to go out and celebrate the first week of second semester. You could tell some of your girlfriends were crushing hard for some of the guys in the bar, but your mind was elsewhere after spotting a certain someone across the room.

For almost all of break, besides the holidays, you had been trying to figure out how to move on from Luke Hughes. You and Luke had clicked immediately, and even though you had tried to take the relationship slow, it was no use. Within two months, you were dating. Luke was proud to see you cheering for him at games and you became a staple at Thursday movie nights at his shared hockey house. You and Luke fit together like pieces of a puzzle.

Which is exactly why you couldn’t figure out why your boyfriend had started sending short messages and declined your affection starting after Thanksgiving break. Luke constantly claimed he had hockey practice or a team bonding event, but it was all proven to be false when you showed up at his doorstep one night to confront him.

Rumors found Luke Hughes like a moths to a flame. Whether it was his future in the NHL or his relationship status, your Michigan social media gossip pages never missed a beat. That week in the fall, Luke was apparently single and talking to a girl from the sorority the hockey team regularly hung out with. You never thought you were the jealous type, but with Luke’s odd behavior and his lack of communication, you thought the worst.

Even now, as you stood in the bar, you got a chill as you thought about the night you confronted him. Luke had the nerve to sit on his bed as you paced in his room, asking him simple questions that he had trouble answering.

He knew that you cared so much about your relationships with others so he used it against you, saying you were bombarding him with messages and he was sick of it. You couldn’t remember every sentence you spoke, but you could remember the hurt you felt when you realized that Luke just didn’t care about you like you cared for him. He had said it himself, he wouldn’t be around much longer, implying that you should both just move on. You didn’t wait for him to deal the final blow, instead, you called for the breakup and left before he could say anything else.

“Earth to Y/N! You want a drink?” Your friend, Caroline, asked. She waved her hand in front of your face to get your attention.

“Uh, I’m good. I didn't expect him to be here and I'm a little overwhelmed,” you replied. You hadn’t locked eyes with Luke, but you were afraid the moment was coming sooner than later since you struggled to tear your gaze from his tall figure.

“How about a shot then? They’ve got those green ones that are really good, and will make you forget that tall idiot who has been staring at you all night,” Caroline tried again.

I've been working hard while you're six drinks in,

Tossin' in the dark, feel you under my skin,

Once I start I just can't stop,

I've been having selfish thoughts

You were about to decline her offer when you saw who Luke was standing next to. You recognized Rutger and Mark easily, but you had only just got a clear view of Riley Jones, a sorority girl standing next to him. You had forgotten that there was a sorority formal the first week back from break, and of course, you had ended up at the same bar.

“No fucking way.” You muttered under your breath, but Caroline was too attentive.

“What?”

“He’s with Riley. He’s at the stupid sorority formal with that girl who’s in our biology class, C.”

Caroline gasped, always perfectly dramatic in every situation. “It's always the sorority girls, I swear!"

You nodded, finally able to turn your head away from Luke’s direction. Sighing, you pulled out your phone to check the time, only 10:23. You had made a deal with your friends that you couldn’t leave until 11, but that deal seemed much easier when your ex wasn’t factored into the equation.

“He shouldn’t even be here, it’s the middle of the season and he can’t drink, anyways,” you grumbled to your group of friends. They were hoping to have a Luke-free night, especially with the start of the new semester, but you all had forgotten the sorority that would be gracing the bar with their presence that Thursday night. Caroline rubbed your arm, assuring you that you weren’t alone in this situation.

“Well, he's definitely an idiot for losing you, but he doesn't seem too interested in his date," Caroline said. "Don't focus on him, the night is still young! And, not that you needed it, but you seriously just had the glow-up of winter break. Luke's missing out.”

"New year, no more being sad over stupid boys!" You lifted up your nearly empty drink to clink it with your other friends' glasses.

Your other friends chimed in and you laughed, Caroline wasn’t wrong. Despite crying over Luke for a few days, you refused to lay in bed and rot just because he had made you feel small. Instead, you opted to take out your anger at the gym over break, so you knew your dress that night fit you better than ever before. You had also decided to do a hair transformation and cut it quite short, a style your friends at college hadn’t ever seen on you. You knew you looked different and you felt confident.

“Why don’t I get us the shots before we hit the dance floor? On me!” You could feel your layer of liquid courage settle over you. Luke was closer to the bar than you were, so it was almost inevitable that he would see you if you got the drinks.

"You know he's over there, right Y/N? Don't look now, but he's staring at you." Your other friend, Lexi, said to you. Of course you knew. Luke was one of the tallest guys in the bar and he easily towered over the other guys that were hovering close to your friend group. Just as you went to look at him, he redirected his gaze to Riley and laughed at something she said. The nerve of him. You rolled your eyes and stood up a little. If he wanted to play hardball, so could you.

"Yeah, I wanna give him a taste of what he's missing."

“Okay, get it girl!"

You sauntered over to the bar, leaning over just enough so that your chest was on display in the new black strapless dress you had bought. It hugged you just right and showed off your assets quite well. The music was pulsing and the lights were pretty dark, so it was a shock when you felt a hand on your back.

There's no right way to say it,

Want you so bad, I hate it

Good girls, so overrated

So overrated...

Luke watched as you pulled out your phone to check the time. Even from across the room, he could see your bright lockscreen light up your face. The glow illuminated your bright smile and your dimples, and suddenly he wished he was right next to you to see it.

"Hey Luke, want to dance?" Riley's voice caught his attention. She was standing right in front of him, staring up at him with her big brown eyes rather excitedly. He hesitated, unsure of what to say, but Riley just kept on going.

"Mark said you liked to dance, so I thought..." Riley continued to ramble but Luke had already tuned her out. He didn't really care that he was caught in Riley's scheme for the night, he just didn't want it to look like he was actually with her.

"Mark's an idiot," he chuckled. "I don't dance."

Riley rolled her eyes, unimpressed at her date who was standing up against the wall. "Can you at least just put your arm around me again? My ex is like, right across the bar and I need to make him at least a little jealous."

Luke didn't mean to ignore Riley's plea, but he had lost you in the crowd. You weren't standing next to your friends anymore. He felt his heart rate pick up at the thought of losing you again. He scanned the room and finally found you leaning over the bar. If he could get Riley to move over a few steps, he could maneuver his way to the bar counter and maybe-

"Are you looking at Y/N?" Riley asked. It wasn't exactly a secret that you and Luke had broken up. All pictures of him had been removed from your social media and Luke hadn't been playing his best hockey by any means. Luke's trance seemed to end abruptly as he cleared his throat to try to come up with an answer, but it was no use. In the time he had been pondering his plan, some guy had sidled up next to you. Luke recognized him, his name was Chris, he was in your major and lived down the hall from you. He always said hi to the two of you when you passed him on the way to your room and Luke couldn't lie, he was pretty fit, too. He let out a shaky breath.

"Uh, no," Luke fumbled. "I was just thinking about getting another soda up at the bar."

"Luke, I know you've been staring at Y/N over there all night even though I'm your date," Riley hummed, seeming only slightly disappointed. "You should go talk to her. Girls are a little scary, but we just want to be loved. Look, I'm gonna go chat with my ex across the bar and show him a fun time, okay? You got this."

Riley walked away from Luke, leaving him standing there a little dumbfounded. Was it really that easy? Chris seemed to make it look easy, standing too close to you at the bar countertop, making you laugh as you waited for whatever you had ordered.

Luke found himself moving closer to the bar without really having a concrete plan in place. Would you ignore him? His runaway thoughts ended when he heard his name called.

Just wanna cut my hair, lose myself, make you sweat

Go out and get messed up, find myself in your bed

Just wanna cut my hair, little black dress, can't forget

Just wanna show you whatever she do, I can do it better

"Luke! Hey man!" Chris called. In his drunken state, he had practically whipped around and made you fall when he caught sight of Luke. When you realized who Chris was calling for, you immediately shook his hand away and turned back to the bartender who was almost about to get to you to take your drink order.

"Chris, don't," you tried to say as quietly as possible. Luke was getting closer to you to try to say hello but you wanted none of it. You ignored Chris and Luke greeting each other and kept your eyes trained in front of you. You refused to give in.

"I gotta get back to the guys, I'll see you later, Y/N? We can watch that new episode once you get back!" Chris called, giving you a side hug as you said goodbye.

"Hey, Y/N," Luke said. His voice sounded soft and timid and you couldn't help but feel your stomach fill with butterflies. This was the closest you and Luke had been since before Christmas and now it was the middle of January.

"You look beautiful, I love your hair," he tried again, finally standing next to you. You hated how tall he was in the moment, his frame completely isolating you from anyone else, since you were at the end of the bar.

"Thanks," you said. "New year, new haircut is how the saying goes, I think."

Luke laughed nervously, sitting down on the barstool next to you. He had let his hair grow out over break, you noticed. He was turned towards you, trying to get you to talk to him. You felt your face get hot at the thought of him being right there. He was so close, yet the last time you saw him, he pushed you so far away.

"I didn't know you were here," he tried, wanting you to look at him. You couldn't help the scoff that escaped your mouth.

"Sure you weren't staring at me all night? Caroline said she caught you ignoring your date, Hughes."

You held back laughter at the way his eyes widened. Caught. The bartender finally turned your way and you ordered shots for you and your friends, handing him your fake ID and flashing a smile as he handed it back to you quickly. Luke asked for a soda and he went to prepare your orders.

"I didn't know you were seeing Chris."

"I'm not, he just has manners and actually enjoys being in my presence, Luke."

Luke coughed, trying to break up the awkward tension between you two. His mind went back to your first date, where he had taken you ice skating. He remembered how hard you laughed when you fell, needing him to lift you up and hold your hand tightly to stay upright. Even thought you barely knew each other outside of a mutual friend, the conversation flowed easily. You two had never been awkward around each other, even in the early stages of your relationship.

"So," Luke began.

You rolled your eyes and put your hands on your hips, turning square to him. His gaze dipped to your neckline where your chest was accentuated and you almost laughed. While you hadn't dressed for him that night, it was like fate brought him to you just so you could make him weak. Perfect.

"So?"

Couple years back so sensitive, yeah

Movin' like that gets repetitive, yeah

Singin' bout the same old stupid ass things

Sad girl bit got a little boring

"I haven't heard from you in a while, Y/N."

"Well, you weren't interested in texting me anyways so I thought it would be easiest," you taunted him. “Remember when you told me I was too much to deal with?”

"I wanted to apologize for that," Luke sighed. "I wasn't thinking straight and I took it out on you, I'm sorry."

"Glad it only took you two months to realize you were an asshole and lost the best thing you ever had."

Luke was stunned at your bluntness. You stared right at him when you said it, your confidence unwavering. Fake it until you make it right? Your heart was beating fast. You didn't really drink often, but when you did, Luke knew how unfiltered you could be. He always found it amusing, the way your cheeks would flush and how sassy you became. It never failed to make him feel hot all over.

"God, where is that fucking bartender?" You mumbled, quickly looking past Luke to avoid another awkward sentence spilling out of your mouth. You were already two drinks in and wanted to keep feeling good.

"You're right," Luke said, still staring at you. "I know you wouldn't say that if you were totally sober, but I agree. I fucked up and ruined us.”

You could barely focus as the bartender asked you for your card and you fumbled to get it out of your phone wallet. Luke quickly got his card out and handed it to the man instead.

"Luke, don't. You're not even supposed to be in here mid-season," you chided. "And you don't have to pay for me, we're not together."

“Would you ever want us to be together again?” Luke asked quickly.

Luke’s question made you freeze.

“I’m not doing this here, Luke.”

“Just answer the question, Y/N.”

“I never wanted us to be over, Luke. But you made me feel stupid for wanting all of the things you gave me at the very beginning. I wasn’t going to stick around just to get my heart broken.”

You felt lighter now that the truth was out in the open. You’re sure Luke knew it too, by the guilty look he wore on his face. Everyone told you how good you and Luke were good together, but it was the two of you that still couldn’t figure things out.

“What if we get out of here? We can talk about how terrible I was back at my place,” Luke asked. He looked hopeful, almost too content. Three months ago, you would’ve jumped to do anything Luke suggested, but now, with him taking another girl out and his actions, you swiftly shook your head.

“Can’t, the girls and I are staying out for the night. But I hope you have fun with Riley, enjoy your night, Hughes.”

The shots and his soda were set down in front of you, breaking up the moment.

“I hate when you call me that,” Luke grumbled. You smirked knowingly. You always called Luke by a nickname, never his last name.

“Well, I hate when my ex is at the bar with another girl, but here we are,” you fired back.

"Riley went off with some other guy. Her ex, I think," Luke admitted.

"Sounds like fun," you shrugged. You tried not to get your hopes up at his statement. Luke had hurt you in the past.

"We only went together because Rutger set us up, Y/N. I don't even know her."

"Well you looked pretty smitten with her from across the bar, Luke." You said back, not caring that you blew your nonchalant cover. You tried to pick up the small tray of drinks, but stumbled in your haste to steady yourself.

"She's not my type, I thought you of all people would know that, Y/N. She literally just went to go fuck her ex in the bathroom."

"That doesn't make me feel any better Luke, oh my god," you scoffed, a little disgusted that you knew more information about Riley than you needed to know.

"Y/N, wait," he urged, standing up now to tower over you again. Luke's skin was glowing from the heat in the place and he looked at you breathlessly. "Hear me out, please. I know I fucked up, I know that. But I was scared that you'd leave when I play pro hockey and I didn't want to get left behind."

You took in a breath, unable to say anything. Suddenly, it felt like you and Luke were the only ones in the whole room.

“Give me one more chance, please,” Luke said quietly. “I hate that I hurt you.”

No right way to say it,

Want you, so bad I hate it

Good girls, so overrated

So overrated...

As you held the tray, you quickly glanced over to your table, where your friends were staring at you. You were unsure of what to do. You could keep walking towards your friends, forget Luke, and move on with your life. Or, you could do what the new you would do-make him sweat over the mistakes he made, maybe end up in his bed.

“You sure you won’t get sick of me?” You questioned. For the first time that night, Luke could see how sincere you were, the old you that he had loved and lost. He wouldn’t mess up his chance again.

"I could never get sick of you, Y/N. I hated not being able to call or text you and I missed your hugs and the way you laugh when you watch The Office, because you always have it on and you love how sarcastic it is, and how you-" Luke couldn't finish what he was saying, even though you would've enjoyed hearing it, because you had put the tray back down and stood on your tippy toes to kiss him. Your lips crashed against his and you swore you could feel fireworks going off inside your body.

The drinks on the counter were forgotten as his hand traveled to your back, trying to pull you closer to him. He toppled back on his barstool and you stood between his legs, feeling him press up against you. You let out a breathy laugh as you realized how hard he was in his dress pants.

"Jesus, Luke," you whispered in his ear, dropping your head to his shoulder, only a little embarrassed that you just made out with him and your friends were probably watching.

"Don't laugh," he stuttered out. "It's been a long break." You could see how blown his pupils were, pure bliss all over his face as you stood eye to eye.

"I'm not laughing," you said, but couldn't help giggling. "And yeah, it was a long break without you, but I don’t ever want to fight like that again, Luke. I’m serious.”

"Don't move yet," he begged. Luke's hands found your waist and he held you in place, blocking the hard on he was sporting. You smirked as you ran a hand through his hair, you had never seen him so desperate before.

“I was trying to have a serious moment, Moosey.”

“I know, I just can’t focus, not when you’re in that dress,” Luke mumbled, face buried in your neck. You felt your whole body shiver and you knew you wouldn’t last too long. His breath danced along your neck, making you want more.

"I'm glad you like it," you whispered. "I guess I'll have to wear it more."

"Hope it's easy to take off," Luke trailed off, alluding to your intimate moments that he craved.

"Well, what if we move soon and we call an uber and go somewhere a little quieter than this? Then we can talk." You mused. He looked at you contentedly and nodded quickly.

"And you can drop off the shots as a peace offering to my friends when I grab my coat," you said. Luke looked a little nervous but you assured him your friends wouldn’t make a big deal. You knew you weren't very convincing, but it didn't matter, because Luke was practically jumping up to carry the tray of shots over to the table where your friends were sat. They tried not to stare at the two of you as you walked over, but it was no use. There were grins on all of their faces as you said your goodbyes and grabbed Luke’s hand to pull him out of the bar and into an Uber to start the real fun of the night. And if Luke pressed you up against the outside of bar, made out with you the whole uber ride, and kissed you until you knew nothing but his name, that was a secret you'd never tell.

Don't forget to like, reblog and comment! Let me know what you want to see next!

[f1letters]

anti-hero | cl16

"I wake up screaming from dreaming, one day, I'll watch as you leaving"

summary: no matter how many times charles told her she was more than enough, this misogynistic world kept giving her reasons to run away

warning: a little bit of angst but fluffy end, driver!reader, Williams!reader, kind of secret/private relationship, mentions of parental abandonment, daddy issues (cause same lol), misogynistic and degrading comments towards the reader, slut shamming, swearing, self-sabotage, low self-esteem, anxiety, just an overload of ups and downs, platonic!reader x alex albon

pairing: charles leclerc x reader

word count: 3.6k

note: everything in bold are song references and in italic are thoughts, which includes memories from the past.

french words used: mon ange = my angel; mon amour = my love

is it possible to fall in love with your own fictional character? cause I think I just did! hope you enjoy this (not really surprising haha) anti-hero story!

masterlist

I have this thing where I get older, but just never wiser

Midnights become my afternoons

When my depression works the graveyard shift, all of the people

I've ghosted stand there in the room

Life seemed to be falling apart for Y/N.

In the middle of the dark room, the only noises that filled the deafening silence were the ticking sound coming from the big clock on the wall, and the troubled thoughts that seemed to reappear in her head night after night.

Tick. Tock.

Tick. Tock. 

Tick. Tock.

Time passed and passed, but Y/N remained there, frozen, haunted by her own demons.

To be completely frank, life had never really felt right for the young woman.

The battle in her head was something usual, ever since she was just a little girl. It didn't matter how old she got, she never got wiser.

It felt completely unreasonable how she could feel herself drowning in sadness when just hours before she had had one of the happiest days of her life.

Charles's strong arms wrapped around her shoulders, the skin of her back against his warm chest, their eyes fixed on the dazzling sunset before them on the clear waters of Monaco, as they lay on the bed of his yacht.

The warm tones that painted the skies and waters were intoxicating, as was Charles's presence.

As much as she tried to keep her attention on that magical gift of nature, Y/N could only thank fate for having that wonderful man by her side.

I don't know what I did to deserve you, she thought to herself.

"Mon amour?" The Monegasque's voice woke her from her trance. "Do you think we... Forget it, it's silly."

The girl turned towards her boyfriend, their eyes now connected, just inches apart. "What is it, Charles? You know you can tell me anything." She said, though her anxiety was already starting to creep up in her stomach.

He took a deep breath, gathering all the courage in him, and with her eyes shining brighter than ever, she asked. "Do you think we'll ever get married?"

Her heart skipped a few beats at the driver's words, looking as nervous as ever, but for a second... Y/N allowed herself to dream.

"If it's not you, I'll never be with anyone else, Charles Leclerc. You're it for me."

Hours have passed since one of the most breathtaking moments of her life, and there she was: scared to death about the future.

Charles was fast asleep in their room, his light snores echoing down the hall through the open door.

Y/N looked at the time - 12:05 AM.

It was midnight, and the girl just sat on the leather couch in their living room, with only silence for company.

As the girl got up to go back to her bed where her boyfriend was waiting for her, she couldn't understand how she got everything she ever dream of, but she just couldn't feel as happy as she should have.

I should not be left to my own devices

They come with prices and vices

I end up in crisis

(Tale as old as time)

For as long as she can remember, she's been that way.

She could remember the exact moment when her world changed, when her walls closed in around her, when everything she knew crashed into pieces to the ground.

For little Y/N, just an innocent child at the time, her father's sudden absence from their home seemed inexplicable. Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, and there was no sign of him.

With no message, no farewell, no explanation.

Just like air, he was just… gone.

The colourful house where she laughed and played with both of her parents quickly became a set of broken walls, colourless and lifeless.

Her mother had never been the same ever since, and even today the young woman cannot forget the image of the woman she loved most in her entire life, sitting on the old sofa in her childhood home, exhausted, empty, without the energy to cry anymore.

Much like she mirrored it now.

Months turned into years since her father left her but, like a ghost standing there in the room, the lingering consequences of his actions still haunted her until that day.

No matter how much therapy she got, Y/N always felt like that lonely girl who could never make friends, who sabotaged every single relationship she had.

It seemed the only permanent companion she was going to have in her life was her crushing, persistent depression.

That was until she met Charles, right at the moment she most needed a shoulder to lean on.

It was 2020 - the year her biggest dream finally came true.

Y/N was finally going to become a Formula 1 driver.

Wherever she looked as she entered the circuit for the first time, the young woman could sense the eyes fixed on her and the curiosity that revolved around her.

Y/N L/N, the first woman in the 21st century to be part of the very competitive F1 grid, the promising new rookie racing for Williams Racing.

It was a whole mix of emotions: the happiness, pride and satisfaction that the new young driver felt for fulfilling her dream couldn't help but be overshadowed by all the controversy, hatred and hostility that her entry into the sport brought with it.

'This is not a girl's sport'

'She must have slept with someone important'

'She's just a pretty face'

Y/N heard it all while trying to turn a deaf ear to all these hateful people.

The girl sat in the chair in the middle of the conference room, prepared to face the world on her first day in media, but reality quickly managed to bite back at her when one of the interviewers walked over to her, eyes wide with scorn plastered in his face.

"Question for Y/N: How does it feel to know that such a talented driver was left with no seat in the team for you to join, just because you're a woman?"

I wake up screaming from dreaming

One day, I'll watch as you're leaving

'Cause you got tired of my scheming

(For the last time)

To say the woman was taken aback was an understatement.

Her voice seemed to have disappeared and her brain to have stopped being able to form sentences as she tried to understand the complete, unfair misogyny she was suffering just for being a person trying to achieve her goals, regardless of gender.

Out of nowhere, a warm voice echoed through the room, drawing all attention to him.

"How about you stop being a complete idiot and try to do your job like a professional instead?" The brunette in red spoke, full of confidence and determination. "Y/N is here because she deserves it and because she has immense talent. No one here is going to take credit away from her just because they're a sexist pig."

Her eyes threatened tears as his met her grateful gaze.

Little did she know that the hero who stood up for her would end up being the love of her life.

Back to that day, Y/N suddenly woke up from her dream screaming, still tormented by the discrimination she had to face and still had to face until that very day.

"Hey, hey..." Charles woke up, cupping her face gently in his hands, making her look towards him as he wiped the tears that were streaming from her eyes. "Are you all right? Breathe, mon ange. It was just a dream."

"Yes, it's okay." Y/N swallowed hard, lying through her teeth. "It was just a nightmare, Charles. Don't worry."

He pulled her into his arms, hugging her tight to comfort her, but in reality, in the back of her mind, she could only think of the worst.

He deserves so much better than the mess I am. He'll get tired and just leave me one day. Like everybody else does.

It's me, hi

I'm the problem, it's me

At teatime, everybody agrees

I'll stare directly at the sun, but never in the mirror

It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero

Until sunrise, the girl stayed awake, her mind doing what she knew how to do best: racing.

Not even the strong arms that enveloped her body, or the heat that her partner's body emitted were capable of transmitting some calm, or some security.

She was the problem.

Tired of lying in bed without any rest, Y/N gave up on being there and, exhausted, she got up, heading back to the cold living room in the centre of the apartment.

She tried everything to get her mind away from the negativity poisoning her system: reading a book, watching a movie, cooking breakfast. But all in vain.

Hours passed before she heard Charles's footsteps interrupting the silence, and soon she could see her boyfriend, shirtless, showing off his excellent physical shape, and stretching as he walked towards her.

"Good morning, mon amour." Charles said, hugging his girlfriend's body from behind and placing a soft kiss on the top of her shoulder. "Did you make breakfast? Damn, I'm lucky." He chuckled, still noticeably sleepy.

You're lucky? You deserve so much more than this, than me, her self-sabotaging thoughts returned.

"So what are we going to do today?" The man asked as he bit into the toast in his hand. "I was thinking we could have lunch at that restaurant by the marina that you love so much."

"I can't, Charles. I have to go to the team headquarters later." Falling back into her harmful tendencies, and without having the courage to look back at him, Y/N tried to keep her distance from him, using the scheduled meeting (which she didn't need to attend) as an excuse.

"Ah okay…" The Monegasque felt the hairs on the back of his neck rise, as he sensed that something wasn't right with her. "If you want to do something when you get-"

"We'll see." She interrupted, answering dryly. Y/N grabbed her things and headed towards the entrance, her eyes still unable to take in his image. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Okay, mon ange." He agreed, trying not to pressure his girlfriend. "I love y-"

He hadn't even finished talking and she was already out the door.

Sometimes, I feel like everybody is a sexy baby

And I'm a monster on the hill

Too big to hang out, slowly lurching toward your favorite city

Pierced through the heart, but never killed

Within a few hours, Y/N arrived in Wantage, where her second home was: the elegant, welcoming HQ of Williams Racing.

Although still fragile, Y/N felt slightly more energetic and optimistic just being there, the memory of her professional success enough to give her a small boost of self-esteem.

The girl would never be able to put into words how grateful she would feel for the rest of her life for the chance the team gave her.

Entering through the large glass door, Y/N soon found Jost, her team principal, who supported her unconditionally during her two years on the team. The two quickly fell into casual conversation, rambling about the car's performance and the strategies used in previous races.

They stayed that way for a few minutes, until the voice of one of the engineers chanted through the walls of the long corridor, clearly unaware that he was being heard.

"I just don't understand what that she is fucking doing here, man. Y/N is just a little girl, we need a strong man behind that wheel."

The man quickly came face to face with the duo, fear spreading across his face: not for hurting Y/N's feelings - that he couldn't care less; but because he got caught red-handed by his superior - a man, that held the power over his job.

Jost tried to put a hand on the young woman's shoulder, but her body was already out of sight as the driver made her escape, the sound of Capito's scolding the rude man barely audible to her as she ran away from the scene.

She was the problem.

She simply would never be good enough.

Did you hear my covert narcissism

I disguise as altruism

Like some kind of congressman?

(Tale as old as time)

Unbeknownst to the girl, her teammate, Alex, couldn't help noticing her tearful figure escaping towards the garden that decorated the back of the headquarters.

Without thinking twice, the Thai hurriedly followed her, gently grabbing her wrist to stop her.

"Y/N, what's wrong?" The boy asked him, a worried look on his face.

Despite the girl being able to count on one hand the true friendships she managed to build in her entire life, Alex Albon was one of the few people she really connected with.

The genuine, loving boy felt almost like the brother she never had, protecting her with everything he had since the day she joined Williams. 

Two years had passed since then and his presence in her life was now unparalleled and irreplaceable.

"Just tale as old as time." She spoke without thinking, wiping the tears from her eyes. "Forget it. It's no big deal."

Her friend put his arm around the girl's shoulders, pulling her into a comforting hug. "You know I can read you like the back of my hand, Y/N."

"It's just…" The girl sobbed, letting her cheek rest against the tall man's chest. "I'm fed up. Sometimes I just want to give up on it all, on Formula 1, on motorsports. I'm tired of feeling less than everyone else just because I'm not a man."

"Hey, look at me." Alex said, placing both of his hands on the girl's forearms. "You're here because you deserve it. You've won championships in the junior categories. You've scored a hell out of points for a driver in a car like Williams. You and I are literally the most successful duo in the team in the last decade."

The girl couldn't help but laugh softly, sniffling her nose. "When you put it that way..."

"Believe me, Y/N." Albon spoke, hugging the girl he saw as his 'little sister' again. "I'm so proud of you, Charles is so proud of you, all the drivers on the grid are. Fuck what others think."

I wake up screaming from dreaming

One day, I'll watch as you're leaving

And life will lose all its meaning

(For the last time)

To say that Alex made her feel so much better was an understatement.

Suddenly, Y/N had a pep in her step, a grin from ear to ear, a renewed energy within her and an eagerness to return home to the one she loved.

The girl couldn't help but feel guilty for the way she treated Charles that morning, so she decided to surprise him with her early return and also a small gift.

Y/N was a gift giver, especially for Charles, who always looked like a little boy on Christmas Eve every time she did so.

Charles had spent weeks and weeks drooling over a sweater from his favourite brand, helping his girlfriend choose the gift. With her headphones in her ears, the girl glided through the aisle of the store in Monte Carlo, straight to the selected piece of clothing.

As she searched for the correct size, the side of her face heated up as she felt someone's attention suddenly on her. The whispers distracted her from what she was doing and she discreetly turned down the music on her phone to listen to what the two laughing girls were saying.

"I don't know, I've heard rumours about them but I don't think so."

"I hope not, I mean, he's Charles Leclerc! He can have any girl he wants."

"You're so right. He's probably just fucking some bikini model on the low."

The sweater remained on the hanger, as Y/N left the store empty-handed.

It's me, hi

I'm the problem, it's me

At teatime, everybody agrees

I'll stare directly at the sun, but never in the mirror

It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero

It looked like she simply couldn't catch a break that day: the world was determined to bring her down.

Opening the apartment door, Y/N entered, being immediately seen by her boyfriend who had a smile the size of the world.

"Mon amour, you're back!" He got up from his chair, nearly tripping over his own feet with the excitement that filled him. "You don't understand how happy I am to see y- What's wrong, Y/N?"

The boy was caught off guard by the discouraged, beaten-down look on his partner's face, as he expected her to come home happy to have visited the team she loved so much.

"Charles, we need to talk." She spoke, her eyes still not looking at him, similar to the morning.

"I don't like that tone. Are you going to break up with me or something?" He joked nervously, trying to break the tense atmosphere between them.

However, when he looked at her, Charles understood that this was exactly what she was thinking about.

Suddenly, the weight of the velvet box he'd been keeping in his pocket seemed to have tripled.

I have this dream my daughter-in-law kills me for the money

She thinks I left them in the will

The family gathers 'round and reads it and then someone screams out

"She's laughing up at us from Hell"

After a few agonizing seconds of silence, the young woman gathered her courage and looked at the other driver, who had a terrified look on his face.

Charles felt a multitude of emotions at once; he was scared, confused, angry, desperate.

How could she try to do that to him when he was preparing to take the next step in their relationship?

"Charles, don't look at me like that." Y/N turned her tearful gaze to the ground, not having the strength to watch the boy's heart break as hers did. "It's for the best. You deserve so much. You are the best person in this whole fucking world, and I... I'm just me: talentless, worthless me. You can do so much better than-"

"Don't even dare finish that sentence." Charles threatened, lovingly grabbing the girl's face by her jaw and forcing her to look him in the eyes. "I love you, Y/N. I love you so fucking much. I love you more than anything and anyone in this world."

The girl couldn't hold back the sob that threatened to come out of her lips, as she shook her head in opposition to the words the Monegasque was saying.

"Just stop!" The man said, his voice rising. He leaned his forehead against hers, wiping her cheeks with one of his hands. "It's you. You're it for me, remember? You told me so, and I feel the same way about you."

"There is no one else for me. No one better than you, no one who makes me feel like you do, or who I want to spend the rest of my days with." Charles continued speaking, trying to make the girl realize how much she meant to him, desperate to change her mind.

He felt her body relax slightly against his and he knew right there: it was now or never, this was the moment for his grand romantic gesture.

Guided by his impulsiveness, Charles reached into the back pocket of his jeans and pulled out the navy blue box, setting it on the counter in front of her.

Y/N felt her breathing stop. Was that what she thought it was?

The Ferrari driver opened the small box, showing her the most perfect diamond ring inside.

"You are the love of my life, and I never doubted that for a single second. So please, make me the happiest man in the world and marry me."

It's me, hi

I'm the problem, it's me

It's me, hi

I'm the problem, it's me

It's me, hi

Everybody agrees, everybody agrees

God, she wanted to say yes.

But she couldn't. Not when he came into her life as a hero rescuing her from the world, and she... 

She was just an anti-hero in his story.

Selfishly, Y/N wanted nothing more than to accept his proposal and fall into his arms.

"Are you sure this is what you want, Charles?" The girl looked at him fearfully.

"Mon amour, just say yes and end my agony once and for all." Even in a moment like that, the man still managed to find humour in the situation, letting out a small laugh and placing a tender kiss on her lips.

Both deposited all the love they felt for each other in that kiss, getting stuck in the moment as if they were the only people in the world.

"Yes." Y/N gave in, opening her eyes surprised when she realized that word had slipped out of her mouth without her even realizing it. 

Charles smiled at her, picked her up from the floor and kissed her. And he kissed her again, and again, his lips just couldn't stay away from hers. "Yes, Charles. Yes. Yes!" She repeated, gradually becoming more and more confident.

With tears in both of their eyes and a shiny new ring around her finger, she looked at the man in front of her: a man who loved her unconditionally with all her flaws, all her struggles, and all her past.

Right then and there, Y/N knew that Charles was her true home, and she could only belong in his arms.

Maybe things weren't falling apart.

Maybe things were starting to fall into the exact places where they needed to.

It's me, hi

I'm the problem, it's me

At teatime, everybody agrees

I'll stare directly at the sun, but never in the mirror

It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero

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(taglist continues in the comments)

thank you to everyone that asked to be tagged! please let me know if you want to be added to the next stories! 💌

[candlewaxandp0lar0ids]

this is halloween || I.N. x reader

Summary: Working in a bar on Halloween sucks. What doesn't suck is your coworker Jeongin being shirtless in the name of it being a sexy costume (unless your boss made him do it, in which case you're prepared to murder him).

Word count: 3.7k

Genres: friends to lovers, coworkers to lovers

Warnings & Tags: mostly fluff, slightly heavy make-out session, mentions of customers being inappropriate with Jeongin.

A/N: hiiiii, welcome back on my blog! I hope everyone's doing good ^-^ I've written four small one-shots for Stray Kids' maknae line for Halloween (and the plan for now is to write four small one shots for the hyung line for Christmas/New Year's). Here is the first one, and I hope you'll enjoy them!

Seungmin · Felix

Working on Halloween night was rarely, if ever, a good experience, if you were in the service industry. You didn’t remember enjoying it even once since you’d started working, taking jobs wherever and whenever you could. It was easy to get hired for Halloween, and on crazy nights like that, tips always flowed in, but it was made barely worth it by the insanity you’d have to endure. The crowds, the noise, even the drunken people, all that, you could handle, but Halloween seemed to bring out the worst in people — or the worse of people, you couldn’t say for sure.

For fuck’s sake, a guy thinking he was a vampire had bitten you one time.

You couldn’t say you’d been surprised when the bar you’d been working at for close to a year had informed the employees that they were expected to wear costumes for the night. Up all night was always somewhat gothic-themed, after all. Plus, they weren’t asking for much. You’d merely been given a red headband with little demon horns on it and a note urging you to ‘dress sexy’. It had made you roll your eyes, and you had decided to only half humor the direction. After all, you’d be standing behind the bar for the night and you didn’t see a point in making too much of an effort.

When you’d gotten there, you had immediately known that had been the right decision. There were much bigger fishes to fry than your outfit, and neither your colleagues nor the manager paid you much attention. You were kept busy from the moment you set foot in the building to the opening, with not a minute to yourself. You only remembered to put the headband on as the very first clients stepped in through the doors.

After that, it was just an endless stream of people trying to get your attention and something to drink.

It was around midnight when you took your break.

Fifteen minutes, that was all you’d get — it meant both nothing and the world to you.

It’s as you’re sitting outside, quietly sipping on coffee that you need both to keep yourself sharp and to warm yourself up on this cold October night, that you’re joined by Jeongin.

You like Jeongin. A few years younger than you, he also joined a couple of months after you did. He’s sweet, hardworking, creative, and, as you find out tonight, has abs for days.

“What are you wearing,” is what comes out of your mouth when he walks towards you, even though your question should be ‘what are you not wearing’.

Jeongin glances down at his body like he forgot, then lets out a sigh as he, too, realizes that he’s very much shirtless — save for the suspenders that half cover dark nipples. You… take him in a little longer than you’d be comfortable admitting. Your eyes go from his large shoulders to the rock hard pectorals, to the well-defined abs that inevitably lead to the happy trail that disappears into his pants. Suddenly, you’re strongly aware of how close in age you are to him, even though you like to joke about how he needs to be taken care of.

He lets himself fall down next to you and the pout he gives you allows you to at least try to cling to that illusion a while longer.

“They asked me to,” he says. “Told me I’d be a sexy demon.”

Immediately, your spider-sense starts tingling. If there’s one thing you won’t sit for in silence, it’s one of your friends and fellow employee getting taken advantage of.

“Wait, did they force you?” you ask, brow suddenly furrowing. “Did they— insist or say something about your job? Because unless we signed very different contracts, I doubt that was in the job description.”

Jeongin’s eyes go wide.

He’s pretty. Shit, he’s really pretty, and he’s sitting so close to you that you can feel his body heat. It’s cold outside, but it was ridiculously hot in the bar, as is made obvious by the discreet sheen of sweat on his body.

“No, they, uh, they didn’t do that,” he says, sounding very sheepish now. “They just— asked.”

You click your tongue. They’d have to have known that he wouldn’t know better.

“I’ll talk to them. You shouldn’t have to dress in a way that makes you uncomfortable.” You gesture at yourself. “See, I’m wearing the stupid headband, but I’m not going to go out of my way unless they start paying me a lot better.”

Jeongin’s eyes follow the movement of your hand, and you feel very naked under his gaze as he takes in your body. Hm, you kinda wish you’d bothered to dress at least just a teensy bit sexier now. Then he looks at you again. Swallows.

“I think you look good,” he says. Then he smiles, and it’s such a sweet sight, cute dimples forming in his cheeks. Takes your breath away for sure. If it sounded more suggestive, you might be led to thinking that he’s flirting with you. It just seems genuine right now, though. Plus, now that you’re looking at him, you’re pretty sure he’s got at least three phone numbers written on his arms. The thought makes you wrinkle your nose in distaste. People tend to forget boundaries, when they’re wasted.

“I really need to get a word with Jin-Young,” you mumble through your teeth. A glance at your watch; your break is almost over and you don’t want to fuck your coworkers over, so you push yourself to your feet. You pat Jeongin’s shoulder, stopping yourself from lingering to feel the muscles under your fingers. Last thing he needs is yet another person disregarding his personal space. “You can throw something on, I’ll take care of it.”

He opens his mouth, closes it, opens it again.

“Oh, uh, it’s fine, you don’t have to do that—”

For a second, you hesitate.

“You don’t mind? Has no one been… gross?”

You openly eye the phone numbers, and Jeongin glances down like he’s seeing them for the first time.

“People are just having fun.” He shrugs, but avoids your eyes.

If the blind, white-hot rage that goes through you at his reaction is any indication of the conversation that’s going to unfold real soon, you might very well lose your job tonight.

“I’ll be back in a second,” you tell him. Again, he says something about how you ‘don’t have to’, but this time you ignore him.

Jin-Young’s in his office, hiding behind mountains of paperwork and muttering numbers to himself as he’s making sense of the receipts that he’s lined up in front of him. The thin pieces of papers jump when you slam your hands on the desk.

“What did you tell Jeongin about his costume?”

After first looking at the papers in complete disarray, like he thinks they moved out of their own volition, he slowly raises his towards you. You’d have sympathy for how lost he looks — Halloween’s hard on everyone in the industry, like you mentioned — if you weren’t so pissed right now.

“To dress sexy,” he says after some long seconds. “Like everyone else. Why? Did he not put any effort into it? Are you jealous about that?”

While you are vaguely flattered that people appear to think you look sexy in your bare minimum effort, that is not the matter at hand right now.

“He’s shirtless,” you say. “Who told him he needed to be shirtless?”

Finally, some light appears in the man’s eyes.

“Aah, that’s right! He asked what I meant by sexy, and that was one of the examples.”

“You pushed him to it,” you say through gritted teeth.

The accusation doesn’t faze Jin-Young whatsoever.

“I didn’t have to. He seemed quite excited about it, if you want my opinion.”

You don’t, typically, but that does throw you off.

“He seemed quite uncomfortable with it,” you say slowly, but it sounds more hesitant now. Jin-Young’s many things, and one of these things is a terrible liar.

“Well, what did you tell him?”

Wait a minute, is this your fault now?

“Nothing! Just asked what he was, you know, wearing. It— it caught me off guard.”

Jin-Young raises an eyebrow at you, and you defensively fold your arms over your chest.

“You know,” he says, trying to be coy and failing miserably as he leans over his desk, “I wonder why he liked the idea of doing it shirtless. It’s not like he doesn’t get attention when he’s dressed normally. Hm, it’s such a mystery. I guess we’ll never know.”

“Are you implying that it was because of me?” You can’t keep the skepticism out of your voice for the life of you.

“Oh, I wonder. Am I now?”

One thing you’re not going to do is talk about your love life with your boss, so you roll your eyes at him — he won’t fire you until the next day, and even that he’s unlikely to do — and walk out, saying something about needing to get back to work, which isn’t wrong.

In going back to the bar, you run face first into Jeongin’s smooth, hard chest, which is truly the cherry on top of everything that just happened. Strong hands grab onto your arms, stopping you from stumbling back, and concerned eyes plunge into yours, so deep you could drown in them.

“Shit, I’m sorry, are you okay?”

Great. You’re doing great.

“I’m fine,” you reply, squeakier than you’d like, “just need to get back to work.”

“What did Jin-Young say?”

That gives you a second of pause. You can’t just ask him flat-out in the middle of a shift on one of the busiest nights of the year if he likes you or not. You’re not wired that way.

“That he doesn’t see any issue if you’re not uncomfortable,” you answer instead of telling the truth.

Jeongin’s shoulders seem to relax, but the corners of his mouth turn down.

“Sorry, I really have to run,” you mumble, stepping out of his grasp. “If I don’t, Jihyo’s going to get crushed under all the customers. But I’ll— see you after my shift, okay?”

A spark of interest lights back up in his eyes. It’s quite silly, how happy and relieved it makes you all of a sudden. If, somehow, Jin-Young is right, and infuriatingly he often is, you’d hate to think that it was your comment that upset him. Which is why you allow yourself to tell him “Plus, it does look great on you”.

You do, then, turn on your heels and walk away like a coward before his jaw has even finished dropping.

The rest of the night is a blur, much like the first part. You do remember Jihyo glaring at you when you finally come back — you deserved that — and your legs and splitting headache very much remember that the customers did not let up once, but you don’t think you could give a single order you took that night.

Well, that’s a lie. You served far, far too many Bloody Maries, to the point where you ran out of tomato juice.

Still, your mind had mostly been trying to make sense of the various complicated thoughts that were swirling in your head all night. You had never allowed yourself to linger on the thought of Jeongin for too long. Of course you liked him, there was nothing to dislike about him. It wasn’t like the two of you hadn’t had moments.

New year’s day, the year before, when you’d known him for less than a week and he’d blushed terribly, refusing to meet your eyes, when the two of you found yourself under the mistletoe. Valentine’s Day, when you had covered for him as he was helping one of his friends who was in a crisis with his girlfriend at the time, and he’d gotten you roses the next day as a thank you. They’d come at a discount because it was the day after, he’d promised you.

Then, for your birthday, him and a few of your other colleagues had gotten you a cute necklace that he had told you, very smugly, that he’d picked out himself. He had an eye for these things, because as he tied it around your neck for you, you’d just fallen in love with it. He hadn’t been there for most of the summer though, and you had mostly written off the whole thing. The two of you didn’t see each other outside of work, and sometimes you lost touch with people, when you were a broke college student too busy trying to make ends meet to go out.

He’d come back in September, though, all tan and glowing and, okay, maybe your heart had given a little jump in your chest, but so what? Yes, Jeongin was hot. Big news. Maybe seeing him after two months meant that you weren’t that used to it anymore and that was why it got to you. But the tan had vanished as autumn set in more firmly, and your heart still insisted on doing that silly little thing sometimes when you laid eyes on him, or when he approached the bar with that wide, dimply smile of his.

It’s doing it tonight, as traitorous as ever, when you catch a glimpse of him in the very full room, still completely shirtless. Watching him isn’t helping with your conundrum though. You don’t have time to do it either way, but there are constantly women flirting with him, their whole body leaning towards him, and while you don’t blame them, not for a second, you can’t see what he’d have seen in you when he so clearly has his pick among all of them.

You’re not— you don’t lack confidence in yourself. You get hit on while on the job often enough that there’s no risk of that happening. You just haven’t had that much luck in the heart department. A guy like Jeongin, who’s hot, yes, but is even more importantly such a sweetheart, that’s… kind of unheard of, for you. Then, even if you do accept this premise, which you do very much question, for the record, there’s the fact that you work together, and if things go south, it could mean you would have to quit. You’ve been there before.

That’s if Jeongin even likes you. Jin-Young could have been wrong. You could be neck deep in delusion right now. You could be setting yourself up for the most crushing development of your life, because the more you’re allowing to think about it, the more your heart soars, and the less you can hide the ugly truth of your ridiculous crush on him.

Ugh. You’re going to kill your boss — that’s the most logical way out of this situation.

When you take your leave at 4 am, the bar is still bustling with life. It’ll be open all night, closing shortly before reopening at noon, but that is someone else’s problem. At least you can thank the past you for wearing flats despite the whole ‘dress sexy’ thing, because you’d be dead by now.

Jeongin’s putting a shirt on when you walk into the changing room, something that you find tragic but that’s probably for the best if you’re hoping to have a productive conversation.

“Got more numbers?” you ask, noting the doodling on his arms.

“I had to confiscate some people’s markers,” is what he sighs in reply.

“Maybe I should have gone harder on Jin-Young,” you mumble, anger filling you again at the thought. “But he said it was your idea to wear that, uh, costume, so I didn’t want to interfere, you know?”

Jeongin’s eyes turn into disks and it’s only then that you find yourself giving some credibility to what Jin-Young told you. Find yourself thinking that maybe, maybe?

“He… gave me the idea,” he says, slowly, eyes darting from the floor to the ceiling lights to the door on the other side of the room like he’s going to make a run for it.

“But among others, right?”

You’re doing everything you can to keep your tone light, turning your back towards him as you get your stuff from the locker, hoping that it makes your question sound casual and not like you’re fishing for information. Gosh, now you understand why kids slide across these little ‘do you like me? yes/no’ notes. This feels so silly. You’re a grown-up, you shouldn’t be dancing around the subject like that.

“Yes but that one was… Uh… Really low-effort.”

Right.

“He made it sound like he thought you were wearing it for someone in particular,” you say like you’d comment on the weather as you finish collecting yourself and turn to face him.

He’s still sitting there, frozen like a deer in headlights, eyes wide as saucers, staring, pleading for help. Your heart’s hammering in your chest. One of you is going to have to take the first step, and it’s the vulnerability of that step that terrifies you. You could have gotten it wrong. He could just be scared that you uncovered his crush on Jihyo, or Jeongyeon, or even on Changbin, for all you know.

Still, you’ll take the plunge. You glance at your nails like they’re a fascinating sight.

“I know I told you already, but I thought you looked great.”

He lowers his gaze immediately. It’s still not quick enough to stop you from seeing the wide grin that forms on his lips.

“Thanks,” he mumbles. It’s all… unhelpful. Could mean anything, and you’re all out of courage now. Then he looks up at you through black locks of hair, and you have to strain to hear what he says. “He was right.”

You blink.

“Who was?”

“I did wear it for you. Jin-Young told you, right?”

Regaining the control of your jaw after he just dropped that on you is way harder than it seems.

“Uh, yeah, yeah he did, what—”

“He just can’t keep his mouth shut.” Jeongin clicks his tongue as he gets up from the bench he was on, grabbing his bag as he does so. “But don’t worry about it, I won’t bother you.”

What?

“You don’t have to lie to make me feel better,” he grimaces, looking away once more. “It’s fine if you weren’t, um, into it.”

“No, I— I just told you.” Your mind flashes back to your first exclamation, and you’re not sure how to take it back or explain exactly what was on your mind without stuttering and making a fool out of yourself, again. “It caught me off-guard,” you explain slowly. “But I was very into it.”

Jeongin’s eyes are still wide, but they’re not filled with fear or surprise anymore. He takes a step towards you as you lean against your locker. You pray high and low that this is going where you think it’s going. As he gets closer and the air grows thicker between you, he seems to be searching for something in your expression that would tell him that he’s gotten the wrong idea, that he should step back. He still hasn’t found it by the time his body brushes against yours, and so he takes the next logical step.

His eyes close as he leans towards you, and you’re smiling when his lips meet yours. He kisses you slow and delicate, intent on savoring every second of it. One of his hands gently lifts your chin to get better access to you, the other coming down to grab your waist, and you arch yourself into him without thinking. The moment’s soft and sweet.

Then he gets even closer, and you wrap your arms around his neck, entangling one of your hands in his hair, and it turns a little less sweet. He goes from carefully tasting you to devouring you, pulling away from you briefly catch his breath before diving back in, his hips pushing you against the locker. Shamelessly, you allow one of your hands to come down to feel the muscles of his chest. He grins at that, nipping playfully at your lower lip, but that doesn’t mean you miss the shiver that runs through him then.

He grabs your hand before you get any lower though, and takes ahold of the other one before you can try anything else on that front, and easily pins them both over your head with just one of his. Then he keeps kissing you, long fingers running over your body oh so sinfully, without ever lingering too long. He takes his sweet time exploring you, and it’s only after a particularly suggestive movement of your hips that tears a moan from his lips, that he lets go of you, stepping away with a crimson blush marring his cheekbones.

“Sorry, I, uh, I might have gotten a little carried away.”

There he goes, not meeting your eyes, again, even after he just kissed the hell out of you.

“I was very into it too,” you hear yourself replying, and he chokes at that. You can’t help the brief laughter that spills from your lips. Cute.

“S-so, just so we’re clear, I’m not— I’d love to take you out. On a date.” He’s back again with the pleading look. “It’s not— it’s not just a physical thing.”

“That’s good,” you smile, leaning towards him in a suggestive manner. It’s just too easy to tease him. “I’d really like it if you took me out on a date.”

He frowns.

“If you keep looking at me like that, I won’t ever be able to do my job again and I’ll get fired.”

Again, you laugh. It just comes easy to you when you’re with Jeongin.

“Let’s see if you don’t get tired of me after one date before we start talking about you getting fired, hm?”

“That’s not going to happen,” he says, sounding far more confident than he has about anything else he’s said that whole evening, and wouldn’t you know it, there are butterfly swimming in your stomach now.

“How do you know?”

He leans in for another kiss.

“I just do.”

this might not make much sense and i'm sorry if it doesn't but i was just so happy to be writing again after such a long time :)))

i hope you all liked it and feedback in any form is always greatly appreciated!

permanent taglist: @lethallyprotected @jisuperboard

[jjkamochoso]

The Perfect Fit

Overview: Levi Ackerman begrudgingly finds himself falling in love with the Survey Corps’ seamstress. Will they be able to own up to their feelings for each other? Or is their love doomed to fail before they discover the truths of each other’s hearts? This slow burn reader insert story will be filled with angst, yearning, and a bit of mystery as we slowly unravel the truths behind Y/N’s past… and explore her and Levi’s future!

Chapter 11

Series Masterlist

Chapter 10 linked here

Chapter 12 linked here

Levi Ackerman x female reader

Warnings: cussing

You looked at Levi expectantly. "What do you say, Captain? Ready to run away with me?"

Levi couldn't deny that he was craving a change of scenery as well. With his injuries, he couldn't participate in training and the four bland walls of his office combined with never ending paperwork was enough to make even the most sane man mad. He also really liked the way those words sounded coming from your mouth. He knew he had a duty to humanity and could never drop his responsibilities to run away from it all and live a more peaceful life, but boy, he'd enjoy playing pretend with you for a little while, focusing on humanitarian duties rather than fighting for once.

"I'm ready to leave right now if you are."

You broke out in a smile, relieved that he still wanted to help you give away blankets and clothes to people in the unfortunate areas of the interior.

"Good. I am too, but the paperwork that allows us to take leave and horses isn't. I have to talk to Erwin and see when we can go. I'm thinking as long as you're cleared by the doctor, we can head out in 3 days' time. Is that alright?"

Levi nodded yes and you told him to get some rest before leaving to find your oldest friend, the commander. When you knocked on the door, he granted you entry and you closed the door behind you.

"How's my dearest friend been holding up lately?" Erwin asked you as you two shared a hug before taking a seat.

"Oh, I've been alright, nothing too crazy," you answered. "How about yourself? You've got a lot more going on than I ever have or hope to."

He took a sip of the drink on his desk and you wouldn't be surprised if it was some sort of alcohol.

"It's as much to be expected for the man in charge." His blue eyes danced around the room, not meeting your own. "It's nothing I can't handle. It's... a lot sometimes, though. I become afraid that no matter how much I try to do, it's all futile. I have so many goals that I can't-" He cut himself off as he swallowed another drink and you took notice of the deep eye bags he was sporting. You knew he had a lot riding on him, but he usually handled (or hid) it so well. You reached out to grip his hand as a sign of affection.

"I know you're in charge, but you're not the only one who should be held accountable for any failings, so stop blaming yourself. What you guys do is a thankless job but you're not without so many accomplishments. It seems like it's always one step forward, three steps back working here, but if there's anything I learned from you, it's that you have to keep walking. So, Erwin.” He looked up at you. "You have to keep moving forward. You're the heart of the Scouts. You're the only one whose faith has never wavered. We all believe in you."

Erwin let out a deep sigh and squeezed your hand back. "Thank you. I needed that. This is why I keep you around."

You chuckled, happy that you were able to lift his spirits a little bit.

"I know you didn't come here to see me wallow in pity, so what is it I can do to help?" he inquired.

"I'm planning on leaving for Wall Sina to do my charity work in a few days and I was wondering if I could borrow a cart and horse. I'd be gone about 10 days, 4 days traveling each way, 1 day passing everything out, and an extra in case something goes wrong. I was also coming to put in my request for leave, as well as Captain Levi's since he'll be accompanying me."

Erwin's eyebrows raised at the sound of his close friend's name. "Levi, huh? I've noticed that you two have gotten pretty close but he wouldn't leave work with just anybody, you know. He must think you're pretty special."

You felt embarrassment worm its way up your body as Erwin tried to contain his teasing smile. The commander's two closest friends couldn't fool him--Levi hadn't been this outwardly affectionate since he had shown up with Isabelle and Furlan all those years ago and you hadn't been this smiley with anyone, ever-- but he found the whole thing endearing.

"I'm not trying to embarrass you, y/n. I think it's nice that he's found something with you, whatever it is. I haven't seen either of you this happy in many years, or ever. This trip of yours will be good for the both of you to get out and do something for the betterment of humanity. It would bring some much needed positivity to you and the captain, I'm sure. I'll process the papers and send you on your way in no time."

You thanked him as you heard a knock at the door. Another soldier had told Erwin it was time for a meeting so you thanked him for his help and waved goodbye. You were held up at the door by the sound of his voice once more.

"Hey, y/n. Where exactly in Wall Sina are you going?"

You tilted your head in confusion. "There's the shelters in the capital that house citizens from the Underground until they can safely leave for Wall Rose. They're the same ones you and I usually go to. Why?"

He halted for a second, choosing his words carefully. "Well, with Levi there, I don't want... Just try to avoid the Underground. I don't want you two getting hurt."

You didn't understand what he was trying to get at, but you figured it wasn't the time for you to probe him. If the chance arrived, you would have to ask Levi exactly what Erwin meant. You thanked him for his warning and left, wracking your brain on what that enigma of a man was going on about.

Several days after your meeting with Erwin, he had told you everything got approved and Levi told you of his clearance from the doctor. You were to leave in a few hours so you began packing, your stomach fluttering with anxiety. You always got nervous before a trip but this one was stressful because of its unknowns. You had never traveled between walls without Erwin and his words hadn't left your mind. Why did he mention you getting hurt? You'd been there plenty of times prior with the blonde man, none of which had gone wrong, so why was he being cryptic about Levi? You tried to shake it from your head. Erwin had been under tons of stress lately so you chalked it up to him still reeling from the losses of the expedition. You had just thrown the last of your shirts in a bag when you heard a knock at your door. Levi was there, a duffel on his arm and a surprisingly pleasant look on his face.

"I'm ready if you are."

You were. You had already brought outside the bags of donation items so all that was left was your personal bag. You went to pick it up from the bed but Levi beat you to it.

"Aren't you still nursing broken ribs?" you asked, watching him in amusement as he shuffled down the hallway with both of your belongings.

"The doctor cleared me for all activity. I would be training shitty cadets to be less shitty right now if it weren't for you."

"Should I be saying you're welcome that you're not?"

Levi pondered for a second. "Four eyes is always saying I need a vacation."

"Their wish is now granted. So you're welcome," you replied, giggling a bit. When you stepped outside, you were expecting to be greeted by an open air cart, but instead, you were face to face with a fancy contained carriage. You thought maybe it was for someone else, but when Levi started loading your things inside, you knew it was for you.

"Did you know about this?" you asked him, flabbergasted. He put away the last of the bags as he answered you.

"The weather's supposed to be bad in a few days. I didn't want you catching a cold on our trip so I made Erwin reserve this instead."

Levi never failed to surprise you. He was so kind the way he thought about you and made your life so much easier. You nearly kissed him on the spot but didn't want him to keel over and die before you could get anywhere. The raven haired man wouldn't look you in the eye as you climbed inside the carriage, presumably shy about his caring so much about your wellbeing. The carriage driver took off and you two left the castle walls. You kept your eyes pointed out the window, not wanting to miss the opportunity to watch the foliage pass you by. It was your favorite part about riding in a cart or on a horse while holding onto someone else. Seeing the trees fly by you in this area almost reminded you of Levi taking you home that one day all those months ago. This carriage should have brought up that same feeling of freedom, but this time you were heading toward a place that had held you in its wretched confines for far too long. As you rode further and further away from your home and closer to your family in Mitras, you felt like you were starting to drown in a deep ocean of melancholy and stress. As you were lost in your own world, you didn't notice Levi staring at you from his bench across from yours. He was thankful that you were day dreaming because it meant he could observe you without hesitation. You normally looked very beautiful to him, but today, in your civilian clothes and more relaxed hairstyle than usual, you looked absolutely stunning. Even though this trip certainly wasn't just for pleasure, he was looking forward to a short break from the woes of every day life. He was hoping you were, too, but he saw your eyebrows furrow and you had a sad glint in your eye.

"Wanna talk about it?"

Levi's voice brought you out of your daze.

"Hmm? Oh. No, I just-- I get nervous on trips, that's all," you said. If Levi could tell you weren't giving him the whole truth, he didn't say anything.

You sighed, opting to speak your mind a bit more. "When I leave my home and head into the city, I get hit with this indescribable sadness. I think it's because I see people who have literally nothing and I can't help but think I'm not doing enough for them when I have so much."

"Don't be stupid. The fact that you're going out of your way to show kindness when others don't is a testament to your character. What you're doing will be appreciated by those who need it most. Trust me."

He spoke with such conviction that you wondered if he was ever one of those people who needed help. You didn't give it much thought since it was rude to make assumptions about someone's past.

"You always know exactly what to say to make me feel better, Levi. Thank you."

He scoffed. "I think you're the only person that's ever said that."

"That makes it all the more special then, doesn't it?" you asked, making him roll his eyes but you knew he agreed.

The carriage continued on its fast pace while you two sat in silence, both reading books. You kept peeking your eyes over the pages, taking the time to appreciate how Levi looked today. He never looked anything less than handsome to you, but him out of a uniform made your heart beat faster. He was wearing a long sleeve shirt with black pants and both items highlighted his frame perfectly. You loved the way he looked with the cravat but you were mesmerized with the graceful way his neck craned without something covering it up. He shifted in his seat and you quickly averted your eyes, hoping he hadn't seen you checking him out.

"Is your book that boring you'd rather look at me?" he asked, his gaze staying on his own unturned pages.

"Boring, no. Rather look at you, definitely," you said, taking the fact that you got caught in stride.

"Tch. Have some shame, brat," he chided, a faint blush showing up on his cheeks. You found it fun to tease Levi here and there. You wanted to keep showing him that you found him desirable so he wasn't left wondering if you still liked him romantically or not. Not that physical looks mattered to you two anyway, but you figured it didn't hurt to flirt with him every once in awhile to keep him on his toes. Afternoon turned to night and it got too dark to read, opting to leave the gas lamp off for now to conserve it in case of emergencies. The carriage slowed to a halt and the driver let you know that you were stopping for the night at a local inn. You and Levi exited the carriage, Levi taking your bag once again, and made a plan with the driver to meet up in the morning to set off. A room wasn't ready yet when you checked in so you and Levi went to the restaurant to partake in a nice warm meal. Conversation flowed easily between you two as you tore into the bread and meat you were served. When you finally got a key to your room, you opened the door and immediately frowned. You were supposed to get a room with two beds, but there was only one. You looked at Levi who didn't even seem to notice as he was already inside and discarded the bags in the corner of the room. You followed him in, confusion taking over you.

"There's only one bed," you said, stating the obvious.

"It's fine. I'll sleep on the floor," he replied, grabbing the extra blanket from the bed and laying it out. You stomped over to him, grabbing the soft textile.

"No way, especially not when you're still healing. I can go downstairs and talk to the owner, there has to be another room."

There wasn't. You and Levi had booked the last available room and the one with two beds that you had requested when you had gotten there was previously reserved. When you got back to your room, Levi had already laid down on the floor in an attempt to rest for a little while. You stood over him, your arms crossed.

"Get up, idiot. You're not sleeping on the floor."

"I don't sleep much anyway, idiot. Go to bed."

"If you don't get up, I'm sleeping on the ground, too."

That got Levi's attention, prompting him to sit up. "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard and I'm around teenagers all day."

"Look," you said, defeated, "the bed is more than big enough for the two of us. You'll have your personal space and I promise I won't invade it on purpose."

Levi took his sweet time thinking about what he was going to do while you were loving life on the plush mattress, your pajamas on, and cozy under the covers. You heard the mattress creak as his body took up the spot next to yours.

"Finally decided to join me, loverboy?" You were joking with him to cover up the fact that you were nervous about sharing an entire sleeping space with the love of your life. Normally, sharing a bed with someone wouldn't be a huge deal, especially when that someone was a person who you trusted with your life, but Levi was a special case. You never wanted to push him into doing anything too fast or make him uncomfortable and you knew that relationship things like this could easily freak him out.

"I will not hesitate to snuff out your life with this pillow."

Well, at least he was acting like his normal self. He was, up until you heard shuffling under the sheets and felt the mattress dip down closer to you. It was nearly pitch black in the room so you couldn't see anything, but you felt your breath hitch in your throat as Levi scooted close enough to your face where you caught a glimpse of the faintest reflection of moonlight in his eyes. His breath was barely fanning over your arm that was lying next to your cheek on your pillow. All of a sudden you felt his hand on yours as he interlaced your fingers. It was a good thing that the room had no light because you were both flustered messes.

"Is this okay?" he whispered.

"Very," you whispered back, brushing your lips over the back of his hand like a kiss from a fleeting ghost. Even though Levi barely slept that night because of his ever present insomnia rearing its ugly head, lying next to you, with your bodies eventually intertwining, he found himself more rested than he ever knew could be possible.

Chapter 12

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