#the past month (ive been working So Much since the end of october) | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

gu6chan · 3 months ago

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tell us about barnabas 👀

YIPPPEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!

Okay so first right off the bat i owe you an apology, you were so kind to reach out and this ask is like a month old and i actually finished it 2 weeks ago but thought "Barnabas' birthday is on the 27th, isn't it?" so i actually scheduled it for there 😭 im so sorry if it felt like i forgot about you!!!! i never forget about my asks, i swear skgdhbjhfd especially not as kind as this!!! i just take an extremely long time answering them, i promise aaaaa....

OKAY, SO (I may want to warn ahead of time for warnings of murder, CSA and general violence/mistreatment of kids)

There's a WHOLE bunch that i could go into in how his story DEVELOPS but i'll try my best just to give a basic rundown otherwise this could last forever!! There's going to be a few details left unsaid for the sake of brevity and simplicity since it's a lot but! I will do my best to explain this coherently 🫡 THANK YOUUUUU SO MUCH FOR ASKING ABOUT HIM IVE BEEN WORKING ON THE DOODLE HERE FOR THE PAST COUPLE DAYS SO I COULD DO THIS ASK JUSTICE LMAO

So!!! Generally speaking, Barnabas (His full name being Barnabas Johannes Mandalay) is a very important character in the little story I have!! It's divided up into four main parts which make up the primary story, with a couple side stories here and there :3<

Barnabas isn't really seen in most of the story till about the last moment, but he's certainly there!! He also gets to be a "protagonist" of his own story, Garden of Genesis, which is sort of like a de-facto "prequel" to the four main bits? That said, that will probably be the section of his story I cover here as it's.... literally HIS story lol Honestly, whether I'll ever do anything with this story at all or just keep it in my head I'm not even sure, so I'm thrilled whenever I get to yap about it!!!

But to explain who Barnabas actually is, he was born on October 27th, 1697, the son of the duke Johannes Mandalay and his wife, Rosemary, and the twin of a stillbirth, Edmund. Barnabas was deemed unlikely to survive due to an extremely weak heart that made even the act of walking difficult, and given the high infant mortality rate of the time, he was sadly cast aside with expectations he would die. His parents didn't want him dying miserably, so they placed him in the nursery they had prepared for them with plans to pick him up by next morning.

However, two servants, Empathy (11) and Henry (10), would eventually be led to the nursery holding the young baby Barnabas that night by a certain crow, which I'll talk about later. (Technically it was Empathy who was led to it and Henry who later stumbled across them both after hearing a ruckus and deciding to investigate, but...) The two decide to try their best and take care of Barnabas in secret, a task that they end up being pretty good at for two pre-teens! lmao

So time flies, and Barnabas is introduced back to his family! Of course, he's alive, but still very weak, not being able to leave past the premises of the manor and also needing to be pushed around in a wheelchair to get anywhere at all. His mother loves him and pays him attention enough, though,,, she's also kinda not getting her hopes up for him to STAY but his father is the exact opposite, even if he IS kinda skeptical that Barnabas is going to live, he still showers him with attention and praise and essentially spoils the poor boy rotten to the point everyone was kinda "???? what are you doing" 😭

Most IMPORTANTLY though, Barnabas' father was his main foray into religion, which Barnabas was absolutely TAKEN with. One of Barnabas' most cherished items is the small red bible his father left him, which he continued to carry around to the end of his life like a pacifier lmao

So skip ahead 2 years, his father DOES passes away in a freak accident and his mother is left to take the title due to Barnabas' VERY young age at that point, additionally not really able to find it in her to come back to her "Maternal" senses in her nihilism that came with the realisation of how fragile things really were. Barnabas is then raised by his servants (Now grown ofc), who he's come to regard as parents in their own right, though he sorely misses his mother, and considers his engagement to his cousin Maria a type of "gift" or sign from her. Barnabas falls into obsession with religion, setting on a dream to start a family on earth and become an angel when he dies so he can answer the prayers of people all over the world <3 he's a little baby lol

Here's a little thing I doodled for this ask (The colouring is a bit off, my apologies!!), Henry and Empathy at 24 and 25, respectively. Barnabas would be around 12, where most his story takes place! And I feel so bad for doing it but seeing how much I've yapped just getting his character established i might have to REALLY summarize... (This kid is REALLY important so there are just so many threads and characters to introduce to make the story make sense and aaaaaaa!!!) So in the most basic terms, his story goes like this: Barnabas, entirely dependent on religion as means to fill up his lack of any real parental figure in his life (Henry and Empathy are LESS than suitable parents and I dunno if I'll get to that in this post, but hopefully!!), is caught in the middle of a series of sadistic murders of servants in his own estate while trying - and failing - to move on by relying on unfortunately cold and/or misled people, such as his fiancée, "friends", and caretakers. this is really long so lemme just....

So the first character who he really meets on his story is Edwin: fast forward to when Barnabas is 12, while visiting the forest on his birthday he comes across a trapped crow. He frees the crow, only to find a boy greeting him later that night who came to thank him. Barnabas is very enamoured with this boy (unknowingly), initially only psychically at first, but coming to grow a,,,, romantic? emotional??? attraction later on (I'll opt for the best description being unhealthy emotional dependence, i think lol)? Edwin has a VERY important role with Barnabas but also another character! Mentioned rn Maria: Barnabas' cousin/fiancée, NOT a friendly person!!!! NOT a friendly person, she's the main,,, antagonist? of the work? So long story short she had a more or less normal upbringing for the times, though just had completely detached herself from typical human morality as a result. She ends up making a sort of faustian pact with Edwin after stumbling across him (All according to keikaku on his end) and in line with seeing humans more as objects and ofc as previously mentioned, having detached herself from any emotional permanence, expresses interest in watching them die and seeing the fallout from it. She has Edwin do the dirty work to avoid getting any suspicion or dirt on her hands, and initially plans to kill Barnabas as a "final end" before allowing Edwin to take her soul, though through the story ends up... Not falling in love, persay, but growing a sort of emotional permanence to him that results her forcing him into a suicide pact of sorts towards the end of the story. She only ever kills 2 people.... technically?

Finally there's Samuel, who I forget exists half the time and is the NEWEST addition to the story, as the initial draft I wrote back in like 2011/2012 was in DESPERATE need for a B Plot i kid you not the original story was so fucking bad.... 😭 So I still don't have him PERFECTLY established and honestly he's a bit of a woob so I PERSONALLY don't care about him as much, but long story short he's hired as a servant in the MIDST of the murders (to everyone's surprise!!) after being plucked off the streets by Henry. He's slowly rotting away from like several STDs which,,, people aren't GREATLY aware of himself included (As was the bit of the times) but is kinda no one's favourite kid, there's rumours flying around that he's whoring himself out for his position and Empathy doesn't care for him because of how just his existence "threatens" the image of a family she had made for herself (More on that in a bit!!). And its like the kid didn't even do anything tf......... However, Barnabas, free from all the anti-Samuel slander and the such, sees this weird sickly kid staggering around and takes to him very quickly!!! This kind of sparks a certain infatuation on Samuel's end, who begins to fall in love with Barnabas off the simple fact he was one of the first people to him with human eyes. Samuel takes it upon himself to "Protect" Barnabas' purity, which comes to a point when he starts growing suspicious of Maria's role in all the murders. Unfortunately the feeling of "I need to get RID of this tramp" is returned as she figures Samuel is a prime target to frame for the murders should things ever go south. She crafts this brilliant scheme after Henry's sudden death, one death she did not have calculated, and linking it back to Samuel herself. Unfortunately, this ends in complete failure on both ends after Samuel attempts doing away with her in a blind fit of rage after Barnabas grows deathly ill and he overhears Maria confess to Barnabas her role behind the murders and form their aforementioned suicide pact. Maria manages to wrestle the knife out of his hands and stabs him multiple times, leaving him to bleed out before she seeks to inform Empathy of his suicide. Interestingly enough, Empathy does dare to state her suspicion on it, however! Maria, more than aware of Empathy's feelings towards Samuel, is just like "Well it doesn't matter bc its easier for you now isnt it lol" and so the whole thing gets passed off as a suicide. Barnabas does NOT take the news well, however, and even despite Edwin's VERY panicked efforts to keep him alive, he ends up passing away from his sudden onset "illness" later on (Illness was really a pretense, what actually happened was Empathy deciding to let him by smothering him in his sleep because at that point, his declining psychical and mental state as a result of Samuel's death was enough to "ruin" her familial perception of her, Barnabas, and Henry to the point she couldn't bear it. She justifies it to herself by simply claiming it to be a necessary mercy kill, unable to fully face up to what she did or the thought it was based in.)

The general truth behind Empathy and Henry is that Empathy was raised by the church, and through the circumstances of her birth that led her to being raised by the church, she was forbidden from having a family or any children of her own. This led to her drive to become a nanny to begin with, eventually meeting Henry through their stumbling across Barnabas together and over time, either as a result of developing a sort of crush on him or developing a crush on him because of the "Father" mold she began to ascribe to him, crafting a sort of "mold" for her hypothetical perfect family and reacting,,, poorly? to anything that didn't fit within it. She ignored how Henry grew up to become a predator and his rampant sexual abuse of several younger members of the staff, and outright despised Samuel while not outright showing it despite her "Motherly" role to the rest of the Mandalay household. This is entirely because Samuel wasn't as quiet and couldn't "Hide" the effects of his abuse as clearly as the others, thus "interfering" in the perfect family image she had constructed for Henry, Barnabas and herself.

Of course, there's a few smaller bits I left out for the sake of brevity (as you can see i am a master of it) and the fact SOME bits of the story might be better fitted for another post (There's one important bit about Barnabas and Edwin's relationship because funny enough, it fits the story of two other characters better, being Zinnia and Alaundra!) , but!!! this is in reality like 0.001% of barnabas' story, after his death he ends up having his wish granted, somewhat, and becomes not just an angel, but a part of God himself. Barnabas' ensuing regret over this and the true purpose of his existence and becoming one with God is where things really kick off. Still though, despite starting off as one of my crappiest, In the Garden of Genesis and its characters have been developed into a story that has a really special place to me, I think! I don't talk about my OC's often since,,, I don't know how to explain it, for as often as I DO think about them, it never crosses my mind to talk about them? That said! Characters like Maria I roll around in my head constantly, and Edwin and Barnabas are just too cute lol <3 I really do apologise for how long it took me to get this out, but this being the first ask about any of my OC's, I REALLY wanted to do this justice!! It's a bit messy and I hope it's not too painful or awful to read, but this ask made my whole day when I got it.... and all the months it took me to answer it since then QwQ Thank you so much!!!!!!!

P.S: Because I couldn't find a place to put it, Edwin's name is actually Edward! "Edwin" is just a nickname Barnabas gave him after learning his name from Maria and it stuck (Much to his distaste).

#gu6chan's musings #gu6chan's muses #Barnabas Mandalay #Maria #Edwin #Henry #Empathy #Samuel #I forgot henry's last name i have it written somewhere....#In the Garden of Genesis #i love them....... i really need to draw samuel again someday lmao #SPOILER ALERT FROM THE FUTURE I JUST SAW THIS GOT OUT OF QUEUE AND FORGOT IT EXISTED FOR A SECOND SO I HAVENT READ BACK THROUGH IT BUT #barnabas does some absolutely HEINOUS shit later on down the road as god.... fun times(?)#maybe i'll even get into his silly little clone and daughter one day omg....

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aplateoflasagna · 2 years ago

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💙💙This is not a drill! TREASURE comeback is confirmed!!! 💙💙

I'm so happy!!! I missed our boys so much! 💎

The T5 release will be in July and the actual comeback is in August. That means there will have been 11 months between 2 album releases and that seems insane to me. But Treasure has worked so hard this past year, they literally didn't have time to comeback sooner. How do other groups do this? Straykids, Twice, NCT etc they go on tour but still have multiple comebacks per year. How?? Are they not severely overworked or is JYP, SM, HYBE etc just better at time management? (that might be it tbh lol)

It feels unfair to ask of artists to have a comeback during or immediately after a (world) tour, but fans see so little of a group during a tour that it feels as if they weren't doing anything (no new music or big promotions etc)

For example Blackpink has been on tour since oktober 2022 and it will last at least until August 2023. That's almost a full year of touring! Jisoo had her solo debut and they did Coachella and they will perform at Hyde Park.

Right now everyone is saying that they deserve a break, Jennie performed 3 songs with an IV drip today, but had to leave the stage because she felt so sick, Jisoo had covid last week, the girls have all been seen with injuries. Only now will fans be sympathetic. The tour will be over, October 2023 will come and go and people will complain and riot that Blackpink should have had a comeback by now, only a month after their world tour ended.

And like, I'm not pointing fingers here, I've also been impatiently waiting for Treasure to make a comeback. I've had to remind myself how hard they've worked since last october.

They did so much promotion on youtube for Hello era which gets overlooked a lot because they did less in-person promotion in Korea.

Immediately after the comeback promotions, they did 'Hello concert in Seoul' + The exhausting Japan tour from November until January while also rehearsing and attending award shows. I remember being so worried for the members because that schedule was inhumane, it was way too much. Half the members had gotten sick, Junkyu lost his voice for three concerts, Jihoon was severely sleep deprived etc + they had to film content for Treasure World Map (which all Teumes should watch btw! it really doesn't get enough appreciation. Every episode makes me cry tears because they truly act like family 😭)

January and february they were seen filming Tmap + that's when they probably filmed a lot of the new episodes of T-talk, 3 minute treasure, fact check and tmi-logs + they shot the welcoming collection

March was the start of their Asia tour where they kept shooting for TWM + multiple members have said that at the same time they were working on the comeback.

My point is, they have had back to back schedules for the past year, they couldn't fit a comeback anywhere until now. Ideally, Treasure would take a well deserved break now, the tour ended, maybe they could visit their families (I was shocked when Jihoon said he only sees his family 3 times a year because of their busy schedule) or travel or maybe just rest for a few weeks and take a break from their Idol life... But they can't... Because it's been almost a year since their last comeback and fans are getting anxious. Just this week they have barely uploaded on social media or communicated with Teume (probably because they've been so busy preparing for the comeback) and already fans were having a hard time (me included btw and I feel bad because I still have a lot of Treasure content to catch up on, but it's not new content you know? So it's just not the same 😶)

All of this to say that I'm so happy Treasure is having a comeback but seeing Jennie so sick during Blackpinks concert and getting the Treasure announcement on the same day... It just made me think about how much fans ask of Idols... fans keep asking for more until their favs are sick or injured because they are overworked and suddenly fans change their mind (They should rest!, the tour should be cancelled! etc) but they will have forgotten about that by the next day, because it's always more fun to get content and it fucking sucks to wait.

#TREASURE #REBOOT #BLACKPINK

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whokilledren · 10 months ago

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so many big updates :D

been having live journal issues so reverting to the old Tumblr page loll

moving at the end of the month, leaving my hometown and moving to seattle and staying with my girlfriend and her family for a bit.

leaving in a few weeks, I have a room and everything setup for me, her mom is really connected and is offering to get me placed in some really really good jobs over in seattle. things like being a peer specialist which pays really well, a body piercing apprenticeship since she used to be a piercer herself, a job on the college campus she works at [even a ta position] which would lead to free tuition, and even a few more.

her mom even offered to bring me with them to New York and England this summer, and she offered to take me to ephyra fest (since she has friends in lot of the bands playing) and furnace fest in October.

might also go with her band on tour, they're playing really cool shows with SUUUCH COOL BANDS but im sworn to secrecy. one of them is on a tour that hasn't even been announced yet omg - we were going to go to Toronto to catch their international tour but they're doing an us tour and her band might open - they haven't played a show since 2002 this is so cool so exciting.

when I move Im seeing the number twelve looks like you - one of my favorite bands on the first spot of their first tour in a little over 5 years and im getting initial gauge lobe piercings aweeee yeaaayuh 0 gauge babyyyy.

I have a lot of really good opportunities ahead of me, its almost overwhelming - ive never really been able to see good things for myself so its difficult for me to see myself in a good relationship for once.

the support I have from her and her family is insane, im so full of love. this is the best ive felt in a long time, its followed a really low point in my life and its lined up so well.

I deserve this, I needed this, I love this.

having such direct support though my recovery has been so special, in the past I had a boyfriend who im sure meant well in trying to help with my disorder and such but in turn had only made it worse in the end.

I have so so much more to say but im just rambling at this point :/ until next time im locked out of LJ, xoxo.

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nickibun · 1 year ago

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ed log:

salmon teriyaki w/ rice | ??? cal

shrimp + potatoes | ??? cal

usage + mood:

totally f*kd up today. hardly ate the past few days though. feeling completely torn.

saw my ex tonight to have him help me with

an assignment i’ve had due and got an extension on since i was so busy with fashion week.

ofc he knows about my ed and cooked dinner,

i bought him lunch, we shared a bottle of wine.

i feel so guilty. tomorrow i will do better.

as for my usage, i spent a few days helping my friends (messed up couple) with their issues, obviously drank a ton of vodka, smoked some t with them. took a couple valium to get to sleep. did some mdma on valentine’s day.

daily log:

nyfw this year was really amazing.

i worked two shows (one of which i walked in for the first time), attended four other shows from a multitude of designers.

some of my friends came to my show which was honestly amazing. saw a lot of old colleagues/friends at a show for a company i used to intern for, which felt really special since i hadn’t seen many of them since i first moved to nyc. i shot for a really great alternative brand on monday with another model and crazy talented photographer.

i’m really proud of myself for getting through this month so far, considering all the variables i’ve been dealing with (relapsing on h, the girl i was seeing for a few months breaking things off w me, fights w my ex, my mom being in town and staying with me).

looking back at everything i’ve been doing this month really puts things into perspective; this is why i’m here. this is what i came to do. i moved to new york to pursue my degree in fashion marketing, and im applying what ive learned along with my own creativity and vision into real life.

when i was at my lowest point, waking up in hell everyday 16-19, only caring about h and my shitty ex bf… i look back and think how if that girl knew where she would be at 21 she wouldn’t believe it.

i didn’t think about waking up the next day, looking into the future (even six months wasn’t in my plan) wasn’t in my cards.

i need to realize i’ve come so far. such a long way.

it’s nice to be reminded of where i came from to where i am now, and how much progress i’ve made since getting out of rehab in october of 2022.

i won’t let a slip up define me.

at the same time, i’m utterly terrified to think about where i’ll be next year, or five years down the line.

i never thought i’d make it this far, and the road is long ahead of me.

one day at a time one day at a time one day at a

i try to remember. i’ve changed things. i am ok.

i am better. i’ll do my best everyday. some days are harder than others, but i have grown so much, that is something to be proud of.

i saw my ex for valentine’s day, which i am a bit ashamed to say. now im sleeping at his house. im sitting here justifying this to myself, even after the horrible things he’s said and done to me in the past nine months.

on valentine’s day, he asked me out to dinner. i said yes, then regretted it within the first hour of the date. i drank to the point where i can’t remember going home with him that night.

i called my friends to essentially rescue me. they had made up a perfect excuse to get me to leave. which ended up in me partying with them for the next two days. lol

i need new friends.

middle of our party (it’s a couple), AC had gotten his gf arrested. so fucked. spent the next day locating which jail she was in, figuring out her arraignment time, etc etc. but, since they had shown up for me so many times i knew i had to stick it out. i’m glad i did. i think AC would’ve lost his shit if he was in the apt alone knowing what he’d done.

i go to miami tomorrow for a much needed vacation for a few days. excited to be in my hometown and see my parents.

anyways, here’s some raw photos from the shoot:

#tw #tw ana diary #addiction #4norexla #mental illness #sad thoughts #digital diary #diary entry #dear diary #a4a diary #my diary #me

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bpdtistic04 · 1 year ago

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BPDtistic Diaries - 2 October 2023

finally here i am deciding to bite the proverbial bullet and follow my therapists advice and put my feelings out into the void.

what can i really say besides that i really hate existing. its difficult and messy and it sucks absolute bollocks. lately ive been feeling especially alone. usually i am comfortable in my aloneness so perhaps its more accurate to say that ive been incredibly lonely. trapped in my own head.

i know ive got some semblance of a support system but it never seems to be enough. nothing ever really seems to be enough. ive been leaning on my boyfriend a lot especially and i can see it taking a toll on him. and i want to give him a break but im totally incapable of taking normal distance and not just completely withdrawing and making everything worse.

it also just totally sucks to be so aware of my own selfishness and yet completely unable to control it. i cant help but chime in with my own perspective even when i try to listen. i know socially people dont see it that way but to me it seems like a pretty good way of connecting through mutual experience. i do desperately wish i was in fact not like this. but really what can i do at this point. it feels desperately hopeless.

and honestly my life currently doesnt seem to help. because what am i? a university dropout with no job who cant even take a fucking shower. my boyfriend keeps saying he loves me the way i am but i just cant believe it because i dont see much to love.

plus since last week i keep splitting on him all the time. i need his approval and reassurance and love. but the switch flips and i dont give a shit about him, i want to lash out and make him feel hurt like i do. i suddenly dont even care about him. seven months and i just keep ruining our relationship more and more. i mean splitting because he cant come to my cousins wedding because of exams? like what.

to be fair its like right at the end of his exams so really why cant he be bothered? ive only got the two cousins, i dont have the big family that he does with like 15+ cousins. so its a big deal to me and somehow despite my saying that he doesnt seem to get it. its a really big deal to me and i dont know if i can get past it with all the big feelings of rejection and abandonment its brought up for me.

i do so much for him and i sacrifice and i adjust my behavior for him. and i logically know hes good to me. hes a good man. but the emotions are overwhelming and i want to leave him. i wont do that, ill try to communicate instead. i really will. and ill try my hardest not to be super manipulative.

i work hard at that. i know i can be very subtly manipulative but im getting better. im doing all the DBT stuff and trying my best. im worried it wont be enough.

AnguishedAndAmiss

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waterlily707 · 3 years ago

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Okay im posting this here since people on IG didnt care as much :(

For the past 8 months ive been working on a Captain Rex custom, its taken me 8 months so far because of life stuff and the fact i started in October and began moving in December 2020.

Here are some images of the process

So the basics, the base doll is an ever after high hunter doll.

Take off head, you can recycle it but I couldn’t after I realised the facial structure U_U

the head was unusable because I acetone shrunk it and couldn’t thread wire through the neck base because the plastic became too hard.

I used another misc monster high head, used the neck base to thread wire through.

so after I had my head armature wire base I began sculpting, I had a panic attack (metaphorically) because as you’ll see with the first image that’s what it was looking like, but after rigorous sanding with sand paper and my funnee dremel tool I got an IMMACULATE head. *chef kiss*

so after that, using water and acrylic paint, I painstakingly spent decades trying to colour match the head with the rest of the body I managed to get something real cool :)

if the head looks ashy I tried using pastels to make the hair but ended up painting on his blonde buzzcut

after colour matching i did the face up and it turn out so much better than I thought it’d be.

I even did some body blushing and details and cried as I drew out his scars

Reminder: if your doing body blushing or any details involving the body, get a fine grit sand paper and sand the body to get everything to stick or else you’ll have a peeling problem that i’m having currently U_U

so I painted his hair, gave him funee shirt and there it was for a while lmao

(1/?)

#captain rex #commander rex #rex #clone wars rex #rex fanart #cw rex #clone wars #clone wars clone #clone trooper rex #clone trooper #clone captain rex #ct 7567 #clone rex #rex x reader #clone trooper fanart #clone wars fanart #clone wars fandom #bad batch rex

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theasstour · 2 years ago

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hi nora!!! it’s giana, hopefully you remember me :3 as you can see i still love harry lol (ik the username is a bit much) and im so happy to see that you still write! i know i can never forget you, because your stories were the first harry styles fan fics ive ever read. obviously my interests haven’t changed lol and i’m glad to see yours hasn’t either. idk how but along the past few years (3 or 4 i think?? woahh) we’ve unfollowed each other :/ so i never kept up with your writing... i plan to change that. i hope you’re doing great, and keep up with your amazing work.

~ giana <3

P.S soy days were the best days lollll

Omg Giana hi!!!!!!!! Of course I do!!!!!! I haven't written in a few months and haven't posted anything since October last year :/ paused that part of my life now that I'm doing my Master's! But I'll hopefully start writing once I finish at the end of September! And really???? :((( I've not been as active lately so it might've been tumblr doing it, but regardless I'm so sorry! And omg same right back at you! Hope you've been doing alright and that you still are <3 Hope you've been well <3 Sending you a ton of love <3

#and GJERGWEGPOWKGPOWEKG :') i remember them vividly <3 #answered #harryrunmeoverpls

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andorwhore · 4 years ago

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Saudade - IV of VII

Chapter IV of VII: Care

summary: A year in the life of a rebel with a cause and a rebel in search of one… chapter four: Lose has a tendency to bring people close, and that can be daunting.

author’s note: Who hasn’t updated since October? I guess it’s me, the resident asshole author. I took a very long and unexpected break from writing due to school and work, and I still haven’t written any new content unfortunately. But I thought it would be a shame to let this complete chapter sit around unpublished. So, I’m hoping that this will motivate me to finish up this story (and potentially add that new chapter I’ve been considering). And if I never get around to wrapping this fic up, at the very least this is the perfect chapter to leave it on.

pairing: Cassian Andor x OC word count: 11,465 (longest one yet babey) rating: T, eventual R warnings: is ~*~intimacy~*~ something that requires a warning lol

chapter one || chapter two || chapter three || chapter four

[ff.net] [ao3]

taglist: @justanotherblonde23

The Festival of Stars was a celebration Jai was quite familiar with, or at least as familiar as the average person could be. She didn't know the exact origin of the festival week, though she knew it had something to do with interstellar space travel; what she did know with certainty is that every year, the Ring of Kafrene became overloaded with travelers during the holiday, en route to destinations all across the galaxy. On Kafrene, the people took to celebrating it as well, though as Jai got older she realized it was a means of ripping off all the gullible tourists that made pit stops on the colony. Residents of Kafrene were smart to jump on the opportunity, Jai's friends and family included, and ironically enough, because of the locals' investment in playing travelers for fools, the festival in its own way became a part of what little culture Kafrene had.

Jai hadn't expected to hear anything about the festival on Yavin 4. Hell, she all but forgot about the holiday week, the last six months of her life having been all consumed by Alliance business. She first heard someone mention the Festival of Stars just as they were heading back to the base after a mission to a planet called Naator (this being yet another world Jai had no prior knowledge of). She was brought along on the mission as tech support, though Jai was fairly certain she wouldn't be needed.

She had ended up spending a whole day on Naator just sitting in the ship and waiting for her team to return. The most thrilling thing that happened to Jai was when some local animal spooked her as she did an engine check in the morning, and she nearly fried the creature with her blaster. Her team returned successful, and they were off of the planet just as quickly as they had arrived.

As they started on their few hours journey to return back to Yavin 4, one of the team members reminded everyone that the holiday was going on that week, and that they should make a pit stop to pick up a few things to celebrate. Jai listened with intrigue as the group excitedly discussed the festivity, curious to hear about it from the perspective of those that didn't grow up trying to find ways to profit off of the holiday.

Apparently, quite a number of the rebels celebrated it every year, along with the other two Fete Weeks. Jai, of course, didn't know about these other weeks - they had their own dumb holidays back on the Ring of Kafrene, and the Festival of Stars was the only one she knew of that was celebrated in all corners of the galaxy. Rebels, no matter what planet they came from, all seemed to love the holiday, saw it as an opportunity to relax and forget their responsibilities for a while.

Although the festival was traditionally celebrated over the course of five days, the Rebellion only had two evenings unofficially dedicated to it - after all, it wouldn't be very practical if they spent an entire week partying. The "unofficial" part, someone explained to Jai, was because the council of superiors didn't recognize it as any kind of reprieve from work - they were happy to allow their rebels to celebrate, and even happy to take part in the festivities if time allowed, but the Festival of Stars wasn't something marked on everyone's calendars as time off. In the Rebellion, there was no such thing as time off. If someone was lucky enough to have one of the two evenings free, then they were welcome to join in the party.

Jai's team were all planning to attend once they got back to Yavin 4, encouraging the slicer to join them - and Jai was never one to turn down a party.

The Naator mission team ended up going a little crazy during their pit stop on one of the planets in the nearest trading belt - apparently, Jai observed, the Festival of Stars was more like the Festival of Drinking among the rebels. They grabbed everything from spicebrew to malts to drinks that Jai had never even heard of; and, of course, she made sure they grabbed as much Merenzane Gold as they could manage. Jai could only wonder just how much alcohol there would be at base once the other rebels returned from their missions as well, all surely having the same idea as her team.

By the time they returned to Yavin 4, evening was slowly closing in, and the hangar seemed far more crowded than usual - it would seem the partying was far too big for the confines of the mess hall, as the rebels took to setting up out here instead. The Naator team was already buzzing with impatience as the gunship settled on the tarmac, everyone waiting to jump out and join the party that had just begun over on the west side of the hangar. Everyone grabbed up the boxes of alcohol scattered across the ship - Jai made sure she grabbed at least one of the crates of Merenzane.

As she stepped off of the ship, Jai felt a warmth swelling in her chest, hearing her teammates chattering excitedly and the carefree voices of their fellow rebels drifting towards them from the west side. Back home, Jai and her brothers loved the Festival of Stars, and they almost always managed to convince Tillian and Vinis to let them run off amongst the crowds each evening rather than have them work at Vinis' shop in the market (or have them take advantage of the tourists' guards being down). When the three of them were out together, watching the performances other locals put on, hearing the excited chatter of people on the streets, climbing up on rooftops to watch the crowd with interest and awe, they were unstoppable. They always ended those evenings on the roof of their home, staying up into the wee hours of the mornings to watch all of the excitement - up there, they felt as if they were on top of the entire world.

Those were simpler times, before Tillian passed, before Jai's brother ran off with some unscrupulous stranger, when they were still young and hopeful and without a care in the world. Jai missed those days and missed what her family used to be. The holiday didn't feel the same after they lost Tillian, and by the time her brother left, the festival was practically nonexistent to her - they could never go back to the dream of their childhood, and Jai had come to accept that. But as she walked through the hangar with her excited teammates, each with a bit of a skip in their steps, Jai felt as if this could start a new festival tradition for her, one that, though not the same as that of her past, would be just as good. This was the next chapter of her life, and with the next chapter came new things to love and be excited about.

Another half a dozen or so ships had pulled into the hangar after the Naator team, all landing on the opposite end of the hangar from where the enlivened rebels were setting up drinks and tables. Jai was about halfway to her destination when she looked back towards the new ships, but they were too far off for her to immediately identify any of them. Beside her, the team leader, Kinall, asked Jai if she felt steady enough to take another box of alcohol on top of the one she already had - Kinall had to head up to Command to report to her superior about the mission. Jai gave a histrionic sigh, but agreed to take the second crate, readjusting her grip on the box of Merenzane Gold before Kinall set the second box atop it. The captain spun around to head towards the turbolift, Jai watching her walk off while she ensured her grip was steady before continuing towards the party.

"I think you have a drinking problem." a voice teased noncommittally from somewhere behind Jai, causing a smile to pull across her face as she rolled her eyes. Turning around carefully so as not to drop anything, she spotted Cassian and K-2SO approaching her, looking as if they, too, had just returned from a mission. Cassian had a teasing smirk on his lips, and yet the expression didn't even remotely reach his eyes; and, though Kay was expressionless, he still somehow seemed eternally judgmental.

"My only drinking problem is that I haven't had enough yet to deal with you." Jai retorted, looking past Cassian at all the other rebels that had come back from their various missions, wondering briefly if Cassian had gone with a team or if his job had been solo.

Nearly everyone returned with something in hand, most of which Jai was sure had to be booze, though unsurprisingly, Cassian was empty handed.

For another moment, Jai watched the other rebels as most of them walked in her direction, though she noted the few that quickly made their way for the turbolift instead, heads down and expressions distraught. Must have been a sour mission that dampened their mood.

Jai looked between Cassian and the two crates she carried as they began to feel even heavier, "Help a girl out, would you?"

Cassian glanced with disinterest at the boxes in her arms, though Jai could now recognize the waggish glint on his face that, once again, didn't quite seem to reach his eyes, "You look like you've got a handle on it."

She gave him a small glare before turning her eyes up towards K-2SO, but before Jai could say anything, the droid spoke, "Don't assume I'll help you with it."

Jai scoffed, "Such gentlemen…"

She and Cassian met eyes again as he gave a tired, agreeing grin, stepping up to take the top box from her, Jai's arms immediately feeling relieved at the lightened load. As she turned back around for them to head toward the tables, she eyed Cassian curiously, noticing that his posture seemed exhausted and his face worn.

"What, didn't bring anything for the party?" The man looked back at her, his expression a little less amused than before. His lips seemed to press tightly together for a slight second. There was something on his mind, that much Jai could discern, but she was certain that Cassian would avoid mentioning it.

"I have no interest in parties."

Jai shouldn't have been at all surprised by the answer. Of course Cassian wasn't the party going type - he preferred his brooding to having a good time. Ever since their night of drinking two months back, Jai hadn't been able to get him to do so since. Sure, Cassian had a drink here or there that she knew of, but the two haven't since sat down and dedicated a couple of hours to simply drinking and chatting as freely and carelessly as they had back then. That evening caused a shift in their relationship, even if by this point they couldn't exactly remember all of that night.

They were friends now, even if Cassian refused to ever say so out loud. That didn't mean they saw each other everyday nor did they have the chances to make great efforts to spend time together, however, they could both feel it in the way they talked, the way they seemed to feel more at ease with one another, the way they simply seemed to fit together.

Jai had somehow convinced Cassian to spend meals with her and her other friends in the mess hall on a few rare occasions, and when she wasn't busy with something Jai wandered her way to Cassian's ship or up to the control room to take some time to chat with him if she knew he was around base. Neither had been back to the other's dorm, however - that evening months ago was a strange exception, and without saying so they both had a feeling that the next time that happened, it'd be very different from that time before.

Jai liked Cassian - most of the time, she was pretty sure she knew it was just as a friend, but every now and again she caught herself looking at him a certain way, looking at him with a warmth in her chest that she didn't feel often enough to be able to surely identify it. It didn't linger all too often, but when it did it wasn't easy to ignore; Jai could tell herself it was the kind of warmth one felt for a friend, but then she'd catch herself admiring him too closely or getting lost somewhere in her head if someone mentioned his name, and she knew there was no way this warmth was simply one of friendship.

It wasn't a crush - that word certainly felt too juvenile to describe whatever this was. Jai simply saw it as the part of her that got caught up in the "what ifs" - what if we met in a different way in a different place, what if we weren't in this rebellion, what if he wasn't so guarded and distant? The "what ifs" were casual and non committal - they weren't real wants or desires, Jai told herself. They were simple considerations that passed through her mind as if they were foolish impulses, like those pesky voices that asked "what if you just shocked yourself with one of your tools to see what would happen" or "what if you went and jumped out of a ship without taking any precautions?"

And this was a ship that Jai had no intention of jumping out of - it was better if it all just stayed up in her head. She didn't dare let herself wonder if Cassian ever had those random intrusive thoughts - he struck her as the kind of guy who simply didn't have the time for intrusive thoughts. Even when he wasn't busy, his mind was at work, and there was no room for useless thinking as far as she could tell.

So, the fact that Cassian didn't do parties was something Jai could have guessed about him - just like useless thoughts, Cassian didn't seem to have time for useless events either. Though, it was still disappointing to hear from him, because Jai saw Cassian as someone that was in desperate need of some lighthearted fun every now and again.

Jai hummed as they set the crates atop a table full of alcohol of all varieties, other rebels already swarming to grab some for themselves, "That's a shame, I really could use someone to help me drink all this Merenzane."

As she grinned at Cassian, Jai snagged a bottle of her favorite drink before they could all disappear. Cassian glanced at the bottle before his eyes flicked back up to meet Jai's for a moment with a raised brow; he looked behind himself at Kay as if he could get Cassian out of this party, but the damned droid had already retreated with disinterest.

"You'll have to find another drinking partner, Jai." He replied plainly… no, it wasn't plain, he sounded exhausted; he knew, though, that the woman almost surely wasn't going to accept his answer. Jai was persistent when she wanted to be, and something about Cassian always seemed to make her more tenacious than she usually was. Cassian discovered that, apparently, after making some passing comment to someone about Jai's persistence, she was never so stubborn with others, as his comment surprised the rebel he was talking to. She must have reserved all of that tiresome stubbornness for him and him alone. Upon discovering that, Cassian repeatedly had to stop himself from overthinking what that meant.

Cassian could tell from the look in Jai's eyes that she was about to attempt to persuade him to stay for a little while, and he could also see that she was hoping that she'd succeed. Giving her his own resolute look, Cassian turned his shoulder and started walking out of the crowd of other rebels.

"You know you can relax every now and again." Jai's voice chimed up from right alongside him; she sounded caring, as if she wasn't simply asking for his company, but asking for him to be at ease for once, "Maybe a party would be good for you."

"I think not." He glanced down at her. His tone nor his expression were either harsh or dismissive, but that weariness Jai spotted earlier seemed almost more present in his eyes, "I have to go debrief with Draven."

Jai couldn't argue with that particular point, knowing it to be true, though she was sure a debriefing couldn't take up much of his time. She sighed a little through her nose as she looked down at the Merenzane she was carrying. Something seemed to be bothering Cassian, or maybe this last mission was just so draining that he couldn't commit himself to socializing.

"Come back down for one drink?" She tried one final time, seeing the consideration on Cassian's face when she looked back toward him.

A part of Cassian wanted to say yes. Despite how awful he felt, and despite his complete lack of interest in the Festival of Stars, a part of him wanted to agree to a drink with some good company. He began to consider that maybe a drink is exactly what his drained heart needed right now, what his weathered mind could use. Though he wasn't keen on joining a pointless party, Cassian felt some kind of pull towards spending time with Jai, especially given the way she looked at him with such hopefulness. Whether that be because he was fond of her or because he knew he had something important to say to her, he wasn't sure.

After all these months, Jai had become a friend, though her tactics were relatively new ones to him - any time she was told "Cassian doesn't do this" or "Cassian doesn't like that," she blatantly did whatever those things were to challenge them, to test them and see if they were true or if simply no one else dared to try to get any closer to him.

Cassian would have expected himself to become annoyed by Jai's persistence, but despite himself he found that he respected it, found that he even came to genuinely like it - because he kept so many people at arm's length, he was refreshed by Jai's resolve to get to know him, to be his friend and to see him open up. Sure, Jai's disregard for his space could occasionally be a pain in his ass, but more often than not it turned out to be exactly what Cassian needed in a companion, in a friend, in… well, he didn't want to consider what she could be beyond a friend.

Jai raised one brow as a grin spread across her lips - Cassian's silent consideration was a promising reaction, she had come to learn. The silence meant he was interested in her offer, at least to some degree, he just simply didn't want to admit so. As he recognized the look on Jai's face, Cassian sighed with an indignant roll of his eyes.

He lifted his index finger between them for emphasis, "One drink."

Jai's smile grew wider as she motioned with her head towards the turbolift, hoping her smile would help lift some of that obvious stress off of his shoulders, "Go take care of your debriefing, captain."

The trace of a sad smile pulled at Cassian's face as he turned away from the woman to make his retreat. Jai watched him go with a content expression, eyeing her friend closely until finally the doors of the lift closed, only catching at the very last second that there appeared to be some kind of a sadness in his eyes.

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Jai had a feeling Cassian was going to flake on her.

Captain Kinall from Jai's mission already returned to the hangar, and the woman had gone up to command only a few minutes before Cassian. She'd been back long enough to finish one drink, and Jai found herself wondering if Cassian's debriefing had run over, or if he changed his mind and went back to his dorm without telling her.

She shouldn't be upset at him. It felt childish, this anxiety that bubbled in Jai's chest as she considered why Cassian didn't show. If he didn't want to join her for a drink, then so be it - she shouldn't let herself get upset over that, it was far too out of character.

But a small, nagging part of Jai was, at the very least, disappointed - despite how uneventful their conversations could be sometimes, she nonetheless was looking forward to getting some time with Cassian tonight. She always looked forward to even the briefest of minutes she got to see him.

Jai sat at one of the tables dragged out for the party, Abe and Miona across from her, and beside her another doctor named Pek. For what felt like the hundredth time, Miona was encouraging Abe to talk to another rebel that he fancied, and Pek was telling Miona and Jai to stop pestering him about it.

Of all the twi'leks Jai had met through the years, Abe was by far the most peculiar - the twi'leks back on Kafrene always seemed bold, fearless, and without any hesitation, but Abe was constantly getting caught up in his own head, always questioning and calculating everything before coming to any decision. It's what Jai found charming about him; the fact that he shared that quality with her younger brother is what drew her to Abe in the first place.

"Jai," Miona's voice stressed, drawing her friend from her daze - stupidly, Jai had been staring at the turbolift and once more got caught up wondering where Cassian was. Jai quickly collected herself, looking around the table, "Tell Abe he just needs to go talk to Chiri."

Jai could see Pek and Abe both roll their eyes, and the slicer gave a half-assed grin, "Abe, tonight is kind of the perfect night to go for it, what could go wrong?"

"I'm not going to make an idiot of myself trying to flirt with anyone." Abe argued nervously, looking tired to be having this conversation yet again.

Jai shrugged noncommittally, lifting her glass to her lips, "Then stop ogling her every time you see her - she might start to notice you."

Miona laughed good-naturedly, setting her hand on Abe's forearm as reassurance.

"Leave him alone, you guys." Pek rolled her eyes at them, giving Jai a little jab with her elbow, "We've had this conversation a thousand times already."

Jai gave her friend a nudge back, the corner of her mouth pulled up slightly, "Fine, fine, I promise no more talking about Chiri."

"You don't make promises." Miona scoffed around the rim of her glass.

Jai paused before nodding in agreement, raising her glass, "You got me there."

Jai's eyes drifted back toward the turbolift, and she mentally reprimanded herself for it - she shouldn't let Cassian trouble her. It was a stupid thing to keep focusing on; she was here with her friends, so why let one man's disinterested agreement to make an appearance linger in her thoughts?

A minute later, the turbolift doors opened, and dumbly Jai perked up a little, only to be immediately let down when she saw it wasn't Cassian. She hoped the others didn't notice her.

She sighed a little through her nose, knocking back the rest of the Merenzane in her glass in one swift swig before she started chewing on the inside of her lip, her brows pulled into a slight glare as she started down at her empty glass.

This was stupid. Why did she get herself excited for Cassian in the first place? They were friends, but they weren't that close. And yet, Jai felt a distinct fondness, a feeling of closeness despite knowing they weren't that. It was that draw she felt to him, the one stirred up when she started thinking "what if" again - it was the things in her head overriding what was going on in reality. She just needed to relax and have another drink, and the rebel captain would be forgotten for the remainder of the evening.

And yet… Jai felt some distinct pull to the man this evening, something she couldn't shake. It had to have been that look in his eyes earlier - Cassian looked exhausted despite putting up at least a decent front of impassivity, he looked downcast despite trying to make jokes to keep Jai off his scent. Maybe she should have read his body language better - he was probably so drained from whatever his latest job was, both emotionally and physically, that there was no way he could try to take part in socializing tonight.

'I don't think he's okay.' The thought suddenly struck Jai, though she tried to dismiss it as being her own anxiety just creating extra worry. Cassian was probably as fine as one could be after a rough mission, he just didn't care about this party. But then again, he seemed more off than usual earlier, like he was not entirely there despite trying to pretend he was.

Jai came back to reality again, looking around the table at her friends, wondering if they had noticed just how long she'd been silent. Miona seemed to give her a look of at least recognition that she had zoned out, but it wasn't a knowing expression as if she could figure out what was on Jai's mind. Jai sighed a little, glancing at her glass again before pushing up from the table without entirely thinking about it.

"I need another drink." The group's eyes drew toward her, and Abe lifted his own glass and shook it a little.

"Grab another for me, too?"

Jai nodded, though she wasn't entirely sure she'd be back to the table any time soon; but she didn't want them being suspicious about her disappearance, at least not from the get-go. As her friends returned to their discussion, Jai glanced back towards the turbolift as she started walking away - she knew she had herself convinced that something wasn't right, and now there was no shaking that though. Her legs carried her toward one of the tables full of drinks, but as she glanced down at it, she had no interest in refilling her glass.

Jai sighed - it looked like she was going to search for the rebel captain after all.

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Cassian wasn't sure when he had zoned out or how long he had been sitting still as a statue on the edge of his bed, but a knock at his door drew him out of his daze. As he blinked rapidly a few times, the knocking sounded again - how long had someone been at his door? Cassian's eyes drifted toward it, staring weakly - he was too exhausted to deal with anyone right now, and there wasn't anything that could be that important right now.

"Cassian." A voice sounded from the other side, causing his brows to perk and his back to straighten in recognition - Jai. She came looking for him, much to his own surprise.

When he agreed to return to the hangar, he was still on the fence about whether or not he'd even show, about whether or not he wanted to tell Jai what was on his mind. When he returned to his room to clean up after his meeting with Draven, Cassian knew he didn't have the emotional energy to put up with a crowd, even if it were just for a few minutes. He figured Jai would be content with her friends and forget all about asking him to show up, but evidently his assumption was false.

Cassian pushed his elbows off of his bare knees, staring at the door again as he sighed, deciding whether or not he even wanted to get up. Jai's knocking had stopped - did she give up? Despite himself, Cassian felt a certain disappointment, imagining Jai sighing on the opposite side of his door and walking away in defeat - maybe he wanted to talk to her, maybe he wanted some company. No, he wasn't the type that ever wanted someone around, especially not when he felt like shit as he was feeling tonight. Yet, something in him wanted to let Jai in.

Cassian rose to his feet while pushing his damp hair off of his forehead, hurrying to his small closet to dig out a pair of sweatpants, which he stumbled his legs into as he made for the door. As one hand finished pulling them up, the other snatched his discarded jacket from where he'd dropped it onto the floor.

He stuck his head out the door, seeing that Jai had, in fact, begun to retreat down the hall. For a moment, he simply stared at the back of her head, wondering what exactly he wanted - should he let her go, or should he call out to her? Why did he even go to his door to begin with? And why did he feel this craving for company somewhere in his chest, a craving for Jai's company?

"Jai?" His voice was quieter than he expected, and Cassian wondered if the slicer even heard him. But she paused and turned back, a small grin on her face as her eyes fell on the man that was halfway out in the hall. Upon spotting his damn hair and semi-bare chest, Jai looked Cassian up and down while he finished jerking the jacket over his shoulders; she quirked a brow slightly before looking back at his face while approaching.

"I thought you were gonna stand me up." She teased, making a joke out of the very real disappointment that she had been feeling earlier. As she paused in front of him, though, Jai noticed the conflict in Cassian's expression that had been there all night.

"… I thought about it." He admitted while looking into his room, silently leading Jai back inside. Just like before, she looked around the space, noticing this time though that there was a trail of discarded clothes leading towards the refresher. Her eyes turned back up toward Cassian, who stood between his bed and his closet, his head turned in consideration, as if deciding whether to face her or turn away, whether to remain on his feet or sit down. Despite the man giving no real clues, Jai knew there was something off about Cassian tonight, she just couldn't put her finger on why that was.

The two were quiet for a nearly uncomfortable length of time, Cassian's back still turned to her as they both stood dumbly in the middle of the room. So, Jai thought, she had been right to come looking for him, though she felt bad for her immature worry over why he didn't show.

"So, I take it you don't want that drink tonight." Jai finally said in a somewhat serious tone, though the answer was already obvious. She moved to take a seat on the couch, eyes still watching Cassian attentively as he finally turned to face her. He didn't have to say anything, Jai saw in his expression the confirmation she needed - it wasn't a good night. He was no longer putting up the front he had on down in the hangar as the two stared at each other for another long beat, Cassian hoping that he simply looked tired rather than distraught. But the observant shine in Jai's eyes made it clear to Cassian that he had been figured out.

Jai bit the inside of her cheek, wondering what she should say next - she never was one for serious conversations, especially when she knew the topic was something unideal. She especially wasn't prepared to have one with Cassian, and she wondered why the hell the man let her into his room - he wasn't the type who'd want to share an upsetting conversation with just anyone. Should she just go and leave him be?

"What happened?" Jai heard herself ask without thinking, her brow furrowed in worry. Another long silence stretched out between them; Cassian stared into Jai's eyes for a moment, but eventually looked down at his bare feet, hands resting on his hips as he let out a small sigh.

"It's nothing." He said, his tone nearly convincing - it would have convinced someone else to drop the subject, but Jai could see that this wasn't nothing, and she was never one to immediately give up, especially not with Cassian. Jai nodded while looking away, though she didn't accept his answer. Her eyes fell on the trail of clothes again as she considered.

"Look, I'm shit at this, but… do you need to talk about it?" She turned her gaze back toward Cassian, who was motionless as his tired eyes continued to look at her with reservation. Cassian knew he needed to tell her. Sure, Jai would have heard about this eventually, he already knew the information would make its rounds tomorrow - she should just wait till then. But something about it still nagged at him, something that felt as if it were important for him to discuss it with her now before it was too late. He had to be the one to tell her. it wouldn't be right if she heard it from anyone else, but he didn't know how he'd do it.

Finally, he shook his head slowly, his jaw tight as practiced authority briefly lit his eyes, though it only lingered for a moment. Jai in return gave a disheartened nod, pushing herself back up to her feet as her eyes continued to search Cassian's doleful face, her own worry evident in her expression.

As she took one defeated step towards the door, though, Cassian found himself taking a step forward as well, causing Jai to pause and look back at him. For a moment, Cassian sucked in his lips as he studied the woman's expression. There was yet again another long silence between them as they stared into each other's eyes unblinking.

Finally, Cassian took a deep breath, his voice quiet, "It's Gar."

Immediately, Jai's eyes widened with worry, nearly gasping as she inhaled through her nose - once she started to realize how dire Cassian's mood was, she feared that this was something she wouldn't want to hear, and the dread of that suddenly weighed heavily in her stomach.

If Gar was… Jai didn't even want to think the word. If he was, then that would be the first Rebellion casualty that would leave a mark on her heart. Jai knew others had passed in her six months as a rebel technician, but none of them she knew - though Jai tried to be at the very least friendly with each person that crossed her path, she knew only a sliver of the people on Yavin 4.

She wasn't like Cassian - she didn't feel connected to every single person here, she didn't feel weighed down every time another rebel didn't return home, she didn't let those losses linger. So many had been lost and Jai simply accepted it while moving on, knowing it came with the territory and finding it hard to feel anything when she didn't even know the person.

But Gar? A man who had been a boss and a mentor to her, who had been nearly a brotherly figure as of recent? She almost didn't want to hear what Cassian would say next.

Jai didn't even feel her feet move beneath her as she closed the distance between her and Cassian, pausing only a few inches in front of him as her wide eyes stared up into his. Those dark eyes were practically begging him to not utter what she feared, begging him to say he was just pulling her leg. But Cassian's downcast expression didn't change as he stared back at her.

"We got separated," Cassian started, his voice a dismal monotone, "The Empire got to him and Halu before we could."

Jai's next breath came out shaky, her wide eyes dropping to stare at Cassian's chest, afraid to look into his eyes for fear of losing her composure. Her mouth hung open slightly as she tried to process the information, but she could feel herself trembling as the grief started to creep in. Her hands began to wring at her sides, eyes slowly beginning to water. But tears didn't fall as she tried to blink them away - no, even in her worst moments, Jai had always been good about holding them back, about reeling herself in before she became a complete mess. The last time she cried in front of anyone was the day Tillian died. And just like what happened that day, what happened to Gar was completely out of Jai's control, and that silent mantra is what kept her even slightly stable as she stood here now, even if she knew that stability was only temporary.

Jai found herself warily looking up into Cassian's face again, a part of her desperate to reach out to him, but she continued to stand there stiffly, feeling her body ache suddenly as if she'd just run a marathon, exhausted and ready to collapse.

Cassian, though still obviously feeling that deep disappointment, had had at least some time to accept what happened - the ship ride back to Yavin 4 gave him and his team some time to mourn. As a captain, he had to be the grounding strength for everyone else whenever missions went awry, and having to do that through the years helped him develop his own means of coping with distress. But staring down at Jai as she tried to process the information, dealing with the emotions of a loss one-on-one rather than with a team, threatened to turn his exhaustion back into grief.

Silently, Cassian reached out to set a light hand on Jai's wrist, his pinky barely resting in her palm, but his touch caused her to start in surprise and jerk back from him. Her eyes widened a little as she met his stare, taking in another deep, shuttered breath as she tried to calm herself, holding her arm in her other hand as if Cassian's delicate touch had burned her. Slowly, she turned away and dropped down to sit on Cassian's bed as if she couldn't hold herself up any longer, her shoulders sagging and her head hanging lowly to hide her face from Cassian.

Jai never liked to be touched when she was emotional, ever since she was a kid she shied from it - if someone ever tried to offer her comfort, it often opened up the floodgates, and the last thing she wanted was to be blubbering in anyone's arms. Before she could even think about letting someone comfort her or talk to her about what she was feeling, Jai first had to deal with the pain herself, and if that meant running from the comfort of others, then so be it. And despite that part of her that wanted to reach out, that wanted to cling to the person nearest to her, Jai couldn't bring herself to do it - being so raw and vulnerable in front of anyone else terrified her.

Cassian stared at Jai knowingly, studying her pained expression as he felt his own fatigue from the day rising up again. He hesitated to move, even if it was to walk to his couch or to the seat in his kitchen - he didn't want to startle Jai again. So, once more, he stood stock-still, watching and waiting patiently.

A few long minutes passed in thick silence before Jai suddenly stood and darted into Cassian's refresher with barely any time for him to process that she had jumped up. His concerned eyes lingered on the closed door briefly before he finally started moving again, his knees feeling stiff as he walked to his kitchenette for a glass of water. He sighed as he chugged it down, having not realized how dry his mouth was beginning to feel.

He couldn't have anticipated that he'd feel so awful having to tell Jai what happened - Cassian had dealt with loss through the years, and had dealt with telling others about loss more times than he could count. Though it never necessarily got any easier, Cassian had grown accustomed to being the bearer of bad news, to seeing his fellow rebels mourn. And yet, something about this last time hurt more than it should have, something in Jai's eyes stung unexpectedly when she pulled away from him.

Jai had done something to him, though Cassian couldn't quite say what that was. Some time between their last night alone together and this one, Cassian started to feel something unfamiliar for the woman, and that something made it so much harder to see her broken and despairing, retreating from his touch and hiding on the opposite side of the door from him. Cassian was surprised to find that he wished he could be right there by Jai's side and consoling her as she mourned.

Despite himself, Cassian hated that he had to tell Jai, though he also couldn't have allowed anyone else to tell her. It had to be him, that much he knew, but that only made it somehow hurt more when he watched her face crumble.

Cassian refilled his glass and shuffled back towards his bed, taking a long sip of water once he sat down. His eyes drifted back towards the refresher door as he set the cup aside, feeling a pull to rise back to his feet and check on Jai. But he knew better than to try - he had to leave her be. For all he cared, Jai could keep herself locked up in his refresher all damn night, and he still wouldn't disturb her.

Once Cassian had finished his second glass of water, he looked down at the jacket he had quickly thrown on when Jai knocked at his door, slowly pulling it off of himself and dropping it in the pile of dirty clothes he stripped off earlier, wanting to simply lie back, let out a deep sigh, and close his eyes for a while. But as his gaze lingered on the pile that sat just before the refresher door, he tiredly pushed himself to his feet, knowing he shouldn't leave it there for Jai to accidentally trip over on her way out. He quickly hid all his dirty clothes away and retrieved a fresh tank top, hearing the door open behind him just as he had pulled it over his head.

Cassian turned to look at Jai as he pulled the shirt down his torso, noticing immediately that she wasn't looking at his face but rather at his chest, even if for a split second. Though there were bags under her tired eyes, Jai looked a little more refreshed - he could tell she had been crying and that she tried to clean herself up to hide the evidence of it. Her face and hairline were damp from splashing water onto her skin, and her eyes even had a different quality to them now. Through their tiredness, her eyes looked a little brighter and clearer - maybe she was trying to shove away any pain she was feeling. But her energy, too, had shifted, and Cassian felt a little less rigid than before - he was reminded that this wasn't the first loss Jai had dealt with, and it looked as if she had found a way of coping with the pain life threw at her.

The two stared at one another once more, studying the other's expression thoughtfully. Jai gave Cassian a weak, cagey smile, one that made the sadness in her eyes a touch more obvious - he suspected the look was to reassure herself rather than him. She let out a slight sigh and finally stepped back into the room, slowly approaching Cassian, once more coming to a pause only about a foot in front of him. She looked down while licking her dry lips, her eyes darting back and forth as if she were searching for the words that clearly wanted to leave her mouth.

Her eyes finally met his again through her lashes, "… Thanks for telling me." Her voice was quiet, and Cassian's brows rose a little at the words, "I wouldn't want to hear it from anyone else."

Cassian felt an unexpected stutter in his chest before he spoke slowly, his tone as quiet as hers, "I wouldn't have wanted anyone else to tell you."

Jai gave a slight nod in understanding as she looked down again, her eyes falling onto one of Cassian's hands as his thumb slid across the pads of his fingers edgily. She reached out and grabbed his hand firmly, drawing Cassian's surprised eyes down to their point of contact as well. Neither of them moved for a few long moments until finally Cassian gave Jai's fingers a reassuring squeeze. A faint sad smile ghosted across her lips again as she looked back up at his face, studying his features fondly, and despite how emotional they both were, Cassian nonetheless felt a warmth stir in his chest thanks to the look Jai was giving him.

"Draven wants me to tell your department tomorrow." Cassian started as his eyes returned to linger on their joined hands, "Chase is going to take over as supervisor."

Jai nodded, pushing down the lump that dared to rise in her throat again, "Chase'll be great, Gar trained her well."

Cassian turned his warm eyes back up to Jai's face, surveying her expression carefully as he thought, "Do you want to take tomorrow off?"

"No," she gave him a quick, reassuring smile and a shake of her head, and Cassian wasn't sure if he was imagining it or if Jai did move a touch closer, "I'll be better if I keep busy. I don't need you treating me any different than the rest of the hangar techs."

Her words weren't accusatory but thankful and appreciative that Cassian even asked her the question - if Jai needed evidence that Cassian had any interest in her, that was it. Cassian showing that kind of care to her eliminated any doubt Jai had regarding their friendship.

Jai squeezed Cassian's hand before slowly pulling away, her fingers gliding across his almost as if she didn't want to let go. Cassian's fingers clenched slightly, finding that he suddenly missed her touch. Jai took a single step back, sighing as she looked around the room while in thought.

"I should go." Her tone nearly contradicted her words, as if she disdained to even say them. But she was drained from the news about Gar, and she was certain that Cassian was as well - they both could use some good rest. She took another couple of steps before turning on her heel, and once more Cassian found himself taking a step forward.

"You could stay." Jai's eyes turned back to meet his, a questioning look in them. Cassian's expression was softer than she'd ever seen it, "Maybe we could both use the company."

A contented smile spread across Jai's lips, a warmth rising in her chest that helped to ease some of the pain that had been weighing on her just minutes prior.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Cassian awoke to the sound of blankets ruffling and Jai breathing unevenly. He wasn’t sure what time it was or what time the two had finally fallen asleep, but without checking the clock he was almost certain it was very early morning. Cassian had been a light sleeper almost his entire life, so although Jai’s movements probably would not have disturbed most people, she was just loud enough for his ears to prick up and notice.

Though the room was nearly pitch black, when he turned his head Cassian could tell Jai was still on the couch where he had left her, having not heard her rise from it. He insisted, once he started to see how tired Jai was, that she take his bed, but she just as adamantly argued that his cramped little couch would be fine, seeing as she was shorter so it would be less uncomfortable for her. Though Cassian tried to argue, he knew Jai wouldn’t budge, so at the very least he gave her his good blanket, hoping it would be some comfort to her.

For a minute, he simply lied still listening -- after Jai’s initial movement, which must have been her sitting up and rearranging, she hardly made a sound. If it weren’t for her uneven breathing, Cassian would have suspected that she had fallen back asleep; but those uneven breaths were shaky, as if the loss of Gar was coming right back up and threatening to wear so deeply at her mind that she couldn’t sleep again.

Cassian debated whether or not to say something, whether or not he should sit up and ask if she wanted to talk, wanted some kind of comfort. Maybe she had a nightmare that roused her, and maybe she’d simply want to be left alone; but maybe this time she’d want to talk to him.

As he heard Jai shift around again, as if fighting to find a comfortable position but to no avail, Cassian finally spoke up, his voice thick with sleep, “Jai.”

He heard the slightest of surprised noises escape her, and if he were looking Cassian was sure the startled look on Jai’s face might be mildly comical.

“I’m sorry,” Jai whispered, “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

Cassian propped himself onto his elbows to look in her direction, though because of the darkness he still could only just make out Jai’s silhouette, “I’m a light sleeper. You alright?”

“Fine…” Her tone wasn’t entirely convincing, but at least she didn’t sound as sad as Cassian feared she would -- she just sounded tired, “Just woke up suddenly. Must’ve been something in my dream, I guess.”

Cassian could see the way Jai slumped down a little, again making a feeble attempt at getting comfortable, “Or maybe your body’s protesting against the couch.”

Jai let out a huffed laugh, rolling her eyes, “My back does suddenly feel like it’s aged a couple of decades.”

Cassian sat upright, and he could feel Jai’s eyes trying to make out his silhouette in the darkness as well. As he grinned at Jai’s response, he stared in her general direction for a couple of moments, “Let’s trade.”

“You think your back will manage any better on this thing?” Her voice sounded humored by the suggestion, “Stay put, Andor.”

Cassian nearly laughed as he started to push himself out of the bed, retrieving his glass from the bedside table while shuffling towards the kitchen, which supplied the one small bit of light into the room from an emergency light that sat on the wall above the bar between the kitchen and the rest of the living space.

“I don’t think I’ll be falling asleep again too soon.” He said while refilling his cup. Turning back to the room, he could make Jai out a little better now that he was closer, and he held the glass in her direction, “Thirsty?”

Without answering, Jai lifted herself off the couch and padded over towards Cassian, circling the bar to retrieve the glass from his outstretched hand while leaning her hip against the counter. Cassian mirrored her position, though he rested some of his weight on his palm atop the bar as well as he stared into her face. Cassian could now make out her features just a little thanks to the faint light and their proximity to one another -- the outlines of her nose and lips, the slight glint of the light reflecting in her eyes. He looked down at her throat as he heard her swallow back nearly the entire glass of water.

Jai felt Cassian watching her far too closely, and yet she didn’t feel as uncomfortable under his gaze as she normally would have. As she set the cup carefully on the counter, she, too, stared up at him, trying to make out as much of his face as possible in the minimal lighting. Silence lingered between them as they stood there, neither having anything to say.

Though he could see her arm move from where it was crossed with the other, Cassian still jumped just slightly when he felt Jai’s hand slide over his, her thumb faintly rubbing circles on the outside of his wrist. He glanced down at their connected hands before finding the glint of her eyes again.

“Thank you, again, Cass.” Just like the first time, the gentle delivery of the unexpected nickname caused a shiver to work it’s way up Cassian’s spine. He hoped Jai didn’t notice.

“There’s nothing to thank me for.” He answered in a similarly quiet tone, tilting his head down slightly; he couldn’t help but feel guilty about what happened to Gar. The expert technician rarely went into the field anymore, but Cassian allowed him to go on this mission because the man showed interest. If Cassian had just told him no, Gar would still be here. Jai had no reason to thank him a second time, let alone the first time from earlier in the evening.

All of Cassian’s attention briefly focused on where Jai’s thumb still brushed delicately against his skin -- how was it possible that the touch simultaneously calmed him and made his heart beat just a little louder in his ears?

Jai shrugged, attempting to speak jocularly, “You didn’t give me shit about crying in your ‘fresher and you let me stay here -- that’s worth some thanks.”

Cassian couldn’t help the small step forward he took, moving in even closer to Jai than he already was -- something about the dismissiveness of her earlier upset bothered him, “Your feelings are not a joke, Jai.”

The seriousness of his tone took Jai by surprise, causing her to look up at him curiously, though Cassian couldn’t quite make out the expression in the darkness. He could tell her eyes were burning into him, and he stared right back with just as much weight. He found his mind focusing back on her hand atop his -- Jai’s thumb had already stopped moving, but it felt as if her grip tightened just slightly. In that same moment, Cassian became acutely aware of how close he had moved to her, how he felt an almost static energy bouncing between them. Without her saying so, Cassian knew Jai felt it as well.

Jai lightly exhaled through her nose, her next words taking Cassian by surprise, “If someone asked me six months ago if I’d ever care about you, Cassian, I would have laughed in their face.”

Jai could see the faint light bounce off of Cassian’s teeth as he smiled unexpectedly at the remark, causing a grin to pull across her own lips. Cassian considered her for just a moment with fondness, “If someone had asked me, I would have done the same thing.”

The admissions caused them both to laugh smally, but it also felt like another spark of static surged between them. They stared at each other for another brief beat before Jai dropped her gaze to the darkness between them, feeling her heart beating far too heavily against her chest. Little did she know that Cassian’s heart was pounding just as quickly.

Did he understand the full weight of the meaning in her confession? Did she? Jai was surprised by her own admission, by the way her heart drummed in her ears, by this sudden need to lean into the man before her. The pull she felt towards Cassian seemed so much more palpable then it had been before, as if she could no longer keep it at bay; Jai knew she was doomed to succumb to that unfamiliar fluttery sensation in her stomach.

She called on her courage that felt as if it were trying to evade her, her voice coming out quieter and even hesitant as she looked up through her lashes, though thanks to the dark Cassian didn’t notice, “… I probably care about you more than I should.”

A weight felt as if it dropped in Cassian’s stomach, the confession seeming to echo between his ears as his heart drummed off-rhythm against his rib cage. His eyes widened in surprise and he stared intensely and unblinkingly at Jai, feeling his free hand twitch with some unfamiliar need to reach towards her, as if he still had to search for something to clarify what her words meant.

He realized then exactly what it was that had been building up inside of him, what these nerves were that only seemed to pop up when Jai was around. Cassian had had an understanding of what he was beginning to feel towards Jai, but in the past he was able to suppress it and shove it aside, to pretend it was unimportant, that it would pass. With the woman in question standing here mere inches before him, owning up to her own feelings, his weren’t quite as easy to ignore.

Cassian dipped his head, hoping it would draw Jai to look back up towards him as he leaned a little closer in search of her gaze. He understood exactly what Jai had meant, and yet he wanted to ask her, to hear the explanation exactly as she meant it to be understood. He wanted to hear it straight from her lips.

Jai continued to stare up at Cassian through her lashes, her stomach knotting when he moved in closer to her. If either of them moved any further, she would be leaning into him, her forehead pressed to his cheek, losing all traces of distance between their bodies. Despite trying to keep herself together, Jai’s breath came out in a waver that she tried to control, and she knew there was no way Cassian could have missed it.

In a brief moment of confidence, Jai slid her hand from it’s spot atop Cassian’s, fingertips slowly gliding over his forearm and securing a grip on his bicep. In the same second that she gave his upper arm a slight squeeze, as if to assure herself that he was really right there in front of her and that this conversation was really happening, Cassian’s hand steadily reached up and found a secure hold at the nape of her neck, his fingers twisting delicately in her dark locks and pulling her head back. For a beat, they breathed in unison, a shared look of yearning in their eyes as Cassian briefly pressed his forehead to Jai’s, giving them both one last moment to consider what was about to happen.

And then their lips met frantically, noses bumping and teeth nearly clashing together, neither certain who moved first as their need for one another took charge. Cassian’s lips were rough against her own, but the sharp taste of him drew a sigh from Jai’s throat, her free hand moving to grip the front of his t-shirt, pulling herself even closer as if he was her oxygen supply. Cassian’s tongue licked across her lower lip in a frenzied response, the heat of her body seeming to engulf him as she drew him nearer, her other hand jumping up to securely rest against his cheek.

Cassian’s arm wrapped around Jai’s narrow waist desperately, his palm pressing her flush against him while the fingers in her hair tightening their grip, twisting a little. An eager sound rumbled in his chest as he slipped his tongue between her lips, tangling with her own heatedly, feeling Jai grab at him with urgency, the scratch of her nails along his torso stirring a second moan from his throat.

As their kiss grew deeper, each feeling drunk off of the other, Cassian pressed forward until he had Jai’s back pinned against the bar, his hands snaking down her body with groping fingers that needed to feel every inch of her, his lips not straying from hers for even a second. When he found a secure grip on her ass, Cassian swiftly lifted Jai up onto the counter, causing a slight moan to escape her as he pressed himself against the warmth between her legs.

Jai’s fingers threaded messily into Cassian’s hair, nails scratching against his scalp as he finally pulled his mouth from hers, Jai gasping for air as he hardly paused for breath before starting to leave open-mouthed kisses along her jaw and down her neck, his teeth scraping hungrily against warm skin. He bit down lightly on the side of Jai’s neck, causing her to gasp and arch her back, the press of her breasts against his chest encouraging Cassian to nibble at her skin again before sucking it between his lips to leave a faint bruise. Jai let out another clipped moan as Cassian’s wandering hands squeezed her ass and pressed her forward against him as he gave a firm roll of his hips. His own shuddered groan muffled against Jai’s collarbone, his breath fiery hot on her skin.

Cassian worked his way back up to Jai’s mouth, nipping at her skin before finally crashing onto Jai’s waiting lips again. One of his hands trailed up her side, giving extra care to press firmly against her breast before continuing up to settle against her cheek, desperate to somehow pull her closer than she already was. Cassian pressed forward hungrily as Jai slipped her slick tongue back into his mouth with a smile pulling at her lips, leaning back under him until she finally let her weight fall onto her elbow. Cassian braced himself on his forearm as he continued to urge Jai down onto her back, the two moaning in unison as he gave another slow roll of his hips against her. As Jai lay flat on the counter, Cassian’s hand pulled away from her cheek, the delicate trailing of his fingers causing a shiver to travel up Jai’s spine as his hand found its way to her own. Jai desperately deepened the kiss as they laced their fingers together, slowly moving their joined hands above Jai’s head.

Their hands bumped into something that they didn’t spare a second thought for until it suddenly crashed down onto the floor, causing Jai to jolt up with a gasp, bumping into Cassian’s forehead before he could pull back from her.

“Shit.” He hissed in surprise, the hand that had been laced with Jai’s now pressed to his forehead. He continued to linger over Jai, the both of them trying to collect themselves and catch their breath, the air red hot between them. They met eyes, their breath mingling, and gently Cassian lowered his forehead to rest against Jai’s delicately, his hand finding a new resting place at the base of her neck.

Despite herself, a pure laugh sprang out of Jai, her amused smile wide as she closed her eyes, nearly embarrassed, “We broke your glass.”

A beaming smile crossed Cassian’s lips as well as he laughed, his nose brushing against Jai’s as he answered breathily, his accent thicker, “Doesn’t matter.”

He leaned forward to brush his lips against Jai’s briefly, pulling back far enough to look into her eyes again, his chest still heaving against hers. Slowly, he pushed himself up, his hands finding a resting place atop Jai’s thighs, his thumbs rubbing slow circles into the fabric of the sweatpants he let her borrow. For a moment longer, Jai stayed on her back, her hands sliding their way up Cassian’s forearms, fingertips pressing firmly into his skin as an eased smile tugged at her lips.

“Come here.” Cassian’s gentle yet commanding tone caused Jai’s middle to tighten with need, just the timbre of his voice alone causing her to let out a yearning sigh. Her hands secured around Cassian’s biceps again and used him as leverage to pull herself up, bringing her nose within centimeters of his as she sat up.

Cassian sighed contentedly, his breath brushing against Jai’s skin as he thought for a few long moments; he couldn’t find the words for any of his thoughts, so instead he pressed his lips tenderly to hers, one of his hands rising to cup her cheek affectionately. Once more, they pressed their foreheads together, mindlessly grazing their fingers along one another’s skin as they tried to collect themselves.

The longer Jai sat here and considered her current position, the more unexpected yet warming it became -- here she was, wrapped around Cassian Andor and feeling so completely at peace enveloped in his touch. She had considered in the past what this would be like, to be close to him and out of breath, to feel his lips against hers, to feel a heat twisting in her abdomen, but those daydreams were nothing like the reality. She had thought they would always remain daydreams, thoughts that passed her by not to be taken too seriously. Getting close to Cassian like this didn’t seem possible, and yet somehow here she was, high on his touch, drunk on his passionate eyes. Cassian, the man who didn’t like to get too close to anyone, whose best friend was a droid, who six months ago had vowed to distrust her… and he was standing here between her legs, his hold on her possessive and in want of more.

She wouldn’t say lucky was the right word, but Jai certainly felt satisfied as she and Cassian remained wrapped around one another.

Cassian finally took a step back from her, his fingers gliding along the top of Jai’s thighs and making her shiver. Her eyes had to readjust to the lack of lighting in the room, but she was sure she could see Cassian grinning fondly at her response to his touch.

His hands found hers as he took another step back, whispering, “Come on,” as he helped Jai hop down from the counter, the broken glass that had fallen to the floor somewhere completely forgotten -- he didn’t care enough to deal with it right now, he’d come back to it in the morning.

Cassian’s fingers lazily tangled with one of Jai’s hands, his eyes straining to find the glass shards on the floor so that neither of them stepped on something sharp. He carefully led Jai out of the kitchen, pausing in his cramped living space with the bed just a step behind him to look back at Jai with a tired smirk. Despite how close they were earlier, she felt her cheeks heat up, feeling the power of his gaze though she could no longer see it in the near-darkness. Cassian lightly tugged on Jai’s hand until she stepped closer, and she could feel Cassian’s free hand just hovering over her face until finally he set it on the base of her neck.

Cassian’s past fears and concerns about Jai crossed his mind as he held her in a comfortable and intimate silence -- he recalled their evening of drinking, when she first managed to send some kind of electric spark through him, when she first made him question the feelings going on inside of him. He had been so afraid to consider them and acknowledge them, because he knew what they meant -- he wanted to get close to someone, get close to her, despite all of his precautions through the years to avoid ever wanting that.

He realized that night two months ago that Jai would be trouble for him, but a completely different kind of trouble than what he had originally projected when they met. She was persistent with him, familiar with him, always making efforts with him -- no one had ever shown that exact combination of traits to him before. Jai had been throwing him for a loop for months now, and somehow she managed to wiggle her way into his heart, somehow slipping past all the emotional safeguards he built up through the years.

Cassian used to be afraid of this feeling. In many ways he still was. And yet, once his lips were on Jai’s, that fear dissolved away, at least temporarily. He wanted -- needed -- to be close to her, yet something in him continued to fear what would happen if he got too close. It was a habit that held him back, the habit of keeping people at arm’s length. But Jai… as much as it scared him, Jai made him want to break the habit and start a new one.

If anyone asked Cassian prior to this evening if he found himself attracted to Jai Tillian, he would have fervently denied it to the point of suspicion.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Care [kair]

noun

a cause or object of concern; serious attention

provision of what is needed for the well-being or protection of a person

verb

to be concerned; have thought or regard; to have a special preference

to wish; desire; like

#cassian andor #cassian andor x original character #cassian andor x oc #cassian andor x reader #diego luna #rogue one #star wars #star wars fic #rogue one fic #rouge one fanfiction #ca #fics #fics*#saudade

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seijch · 4 years ago

Text

ANNOUNCEMENT: NOT A HELLO, BUT NOT A GOODBYE EITHER

omg hi ... im like . ashamed to come back after saying brief hiatus in october and then disappearing off the face of the earth til FEBRUARY but under the cut i will be explaining myself and the following, if youre interested (and a tl;dr at the very bottom if you don’t wanna scroll thru this obnoxiously long post):

the reason(s) i was gone for so long

what i was doing during that time (its just a personal account yall can scroll past this idrc)

the status of those um . halloween requests

the future of this account

i. so . Hiatus .

i know. i know . i probably mentioned it when i made the announcement post, but my mental health likes to go on one of those rides. yknow the ones where you go like up rlly fast then down maybe and then up then DOWN .... its like that. i needed a break and every time i wanted to come back or thought about it, something would happen and i would get stuck in my own head.

a big reason for getting stuck in my head was (and i hate to admit this ... i hate to admit that i have Insecurities On The Internet) my feelings of inadequacy regarding my writing. i love to plot fics, i love concepts and characters and making little headcanons but i dont ... know if i love writing rn. and i thought for the longest time that like . whatever ill just push thru it its fine ill be fine but it kinda wasnt lmao you can kinda see it in my halloween reqs and what become of them when i get to that but i began to feel like nothing i had put out or would put out would hold up prose wise (and normally i dont feel like this im much more “idc its my life im living it” but thats not a rant for tumblr LMAO). i still feel like that -- like im better as a reader than a writer. but . You Know :-)

tl;dr: mental state go brrrrr

ii. anywhere here’s wonderwall

when i left, i was in a steadily decreasing mental and emotional state, made worse by a situation at work that really was a case of petty jealousy on my end and rlly isnt very consequential now despite how much pain and resentment it gave me when it Was a problem so i wont get into it. the tl;dr of november and december was me using work as an crutch and distraction -- i know my job, i do it well, it helped me not think about my responsibilities and obligations and inadequacies. of course, as the holiday season grew busier n busier i was scheduled so often that i moved 88 or so miles (according to my apple watch, which i ONLY wear at work since im never anywhere else outside my house) and fell into a cycle of showering n sleeping at my house before going back the next day. (theres definitely something to be said abt capitalism and “grind culture” here but once again its not the time or place snsjkdfds)

at the turn of the new year, i happened to remember a birthday card i hadnt filed away for safekeeping from a friend of mine that id been horribly out of touch with til that point. i started crying because i realized how out of touch id been in general up until that point. the month of january was great for me: i was focused, happy, and in a much better place than i had been before. the end of it brought me down focus wise and im hoping that enough time away from my distractions will refocus me bc i ... need it LMAO and though ive burned out from that level of productivity and gotten distracted again im ... trying to stay positive which i think is the most i can do 😁👍🏼

media wise, i got real into stardew valley (but burned out bc i played it extensively as a way to wind down after work), the pokemon platinum romhack renegade platinum (still havent finished it bc of school n i played it w the intent to see if i could nuzlocke it ... bitch its so hard but its so fun bc of it), briefly assassins creed: odyssey (im one of those ppl who completes an entire region before i move to the next so you can tell i burned out of that one + wouldnt have the time to properly devote to it even if i didnt), got back into genshin impact after pulling for xiao (after not touching it for like . months), and danganronpa. yes . danganronpa 😐 i Know. i stopped playing it after the second trial of the first game bc i was so hurt by the outcome and picked it up in late january only to get sucked in (thank god i had the foresight to buy the second and third games during the steam winter sale). rn im at the start of chapter 4 if anyone wants to come in my asks and um . talk to me abt danganronpa

tl;dr: I’m Into Danganronpa Now

iii. you realize halloween was three months ago right

i mentioned this in the first section, but i love to plot things. every request is plotted or at least has a solid foundation. i had fun detailing what concept i wanted to go with considering what i was given, and there were some bangers i might touch up in the future. but heres whats going to happen to the requests themselves:

there are two finished requests. one will be posted tomorrow and the other will be touched up (just bc i finished it doesnt mean its good 🧍‍♂️) and scheduled for next saturday. as for the ones i never got around to ...

i will not be finishing those requests. i hate to be That Person, but i feel like we all expected this 🧍‍♂️ what i will do is post all of my notes for each request in batches -- requests that have an @ to go with them will be mentioned in the post proper, but anon asks will be pictured. (there are some asks that came from blogs who are now deactivated but i wrote down all the prompts and remember most of those askers so ill cross that bridge when i get there) there will most likely be an excerpt or two simply bc i think i mightve written a few plot points or interactions in the form of bullet points. i rlly am sorry about doing this but i remember looking at my notion doc with all the prompts and feeling ... like i wasnt measuring up n it wasnt just to myself or to some intangible concept of “other” id constructed but it was instead to those who requested n actually WANTED to see and hear and read my writing and i ...... im gonna admit thats another big reason i avoided this site.

regardless, youll definitely get what i have (and likely more than just my bullet points and illegible handwriting).

tl;dr: im sorry. what i have in terms of plot, concept, and interaction for every request will be posted, but i cant say ill ever complete them and mean it.

iv. so what now?

well i mean . im not entirely sure how sold i am on haikyuu in the content creation department (as a creator n to a lesser extent, as a consumer). as mentioned previously, its no longer my primary focus. it doesnt mean im not into haikyuu anymore; i have a lot of love for those boys but i cant rlly say im even caught up w recent fandom activity and also havent even finished s4 pt2 LMAO thats on my to do list

and despite all that, i still want to share my plots n concepts and snippets and maybe even fics. it wont happen anytime soon. it might not even happen. but i mean . its better than me saying i wont write ever again shjdkfs but either way ill probably use this blog as a personal blog w the occasional ask game for dialogue prompts (those are always so fun i love making up aus to fit like . the most mundane prompts)

as for my works (past and any potential future), ive opened an ao3 acc here n ill be editing n possibly expanding on my old works to post there. tumblr, to me, is The x reader hub, but i figure more x reader fics on ao3 is never a bad thing.

ill be deleting/posting drafted posts to the queue since they were all meant to be queued anyway as well as (sorry again 🧍‍♂️) deleting or answering asks in the inbox. (moots if you get a notif from me saying i rbed your post from months ago ... mind your business) im very hard to get ahold of and its ... a problem. expect an overhaul of the nav n shit to reflect my new direction n also because i feel like i cant tell if my passion for carrd is shared by the majority HSDKLFS maybe its better to read my info in a normal post ykwim .......

and of course . if youve read all this n decided im no longer worth the follow, i sure as hell cant stop you. thank you for wanting to, at some point, hear what i have to say -- it means more than you think.

tl;dr: writing will be edited and reposted to ao3, this blog will be a personal blog with a hint of writing (sometimes)

the tl;dr to end all tl;drs:

im back! i wont be as active as i used to due to a lessened interest in haikyuu in general, but i have an ao3 acc now where all my past work will be edited, possibly expanded, and reposted. any future work will also find itself there. my halloween requests will be posted in batches as incomplete concepts, plots, and snippets of scenes; i wont be promising to finish any of them.

there are still fic concepts im attached to and want to finish, but i cant promise any more writing on my end. this blog will be a personal blog with maybe writing, not a writing blog with my personal thoughts all over it.

regardless if you stick around or not, its been crazy sexy cool (equal emphasis) being on haikyuu tumblr even tho i wasnt around for long ... even tho its not my main focus anymore, im still excited to see what the future might hold 🤝

love, ari 💌

#did i have an announcement tag #announcement #also regarding work hsjkdfsd the company i work for didnt give my location the opening for the full time position i wanted #my managers all agree id be promoted if we had it but we dont so i . hee .#anyway um i hope everyones doing well #some of my moots changed urls while i was away and now i have no idea who anyone is #its like when you see your familys friends and theyre like omg youre so big now! i remember when you were a baby and youre like 🧍‍♂️#and you have to play along bc apparently they remember you hskdfsd #im not very funny in this post but i figured id rather be honest considering my lengthy absence #consider this my comeback stage

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doc-pickles · 4 years ago

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i won’t hesitate (for you) ch. 11

Jo is happy, at least she feels like she is. When someone from her past shows up, will her and her daughter's world ever go back to normal? Or will things change for good?

This is it, my final chapter of Hesitate... I actually cried a bit finishing this off because I’ve been working on it since early June and we’re halfway through October now. I wanted to thank you guys SO MUCH for your continued support through comments, likes, reblogs, and just general support. I know that this has taken forever to finish but I’m grateful that y’all have stuck through it with me.

Thank you again and I hope you enjoy this final chapter.

xoxo Nina

Pull me close and I'll hold you tight

Don't be scared 'cause I'm on your side

Know there's nothing I wouldn't do for you

I will take your pain

And put it on my heart

I won't hesitate

Just tell me where to start

I thank the oceans for giving me you

You saved me once and I'll save you too

I won't hesitate for you

A Few Months Later…

“You look so handsome, I’d jump you right now if I didn’t have a surgery with Meredith to get to,” Jo grinned up at Alex as she straightened his tie, his eyes rolling as he grabbed her hands in his. “I for one am very proud that you got this office back. It’s been nice not having to fight for on call rooms when I need a nap.”

“You’re just using me for my office, you don’t even care that I’m Chief again,” Alex chuckled as Jo wore an offended look on her face at his accusation. “You sure you should be going into surgery? You’ve been pretty out of it the past day.”

Jo’s eyebrows raised, eyes narrowing at Alex as she glared at him, “Are you insinuating that I’m too pregnant to operate, Chief ?”

“No I'm telling you, as your husband , that you should take it easy,” Alex wrapped his arms around Jo, eyeing her as she continued to scowl at him. “I know you worked until your due date with Harper, but you’re taking care of a toddler and dealing with me. Maybe it’s time to take a break before you stress yourself into labor.”

Jo shrugged off Alex’s arm on her shoulder, her own arms crossed over her belly as she walked away from him. She knew she was only a week and half until her due date, but she wasn’t going to let that stop her from working.

“I’m perfectly fine Alex, I don’t need you hovering over my shoulder at all hours of the day,” Jo called over her shoulder as she walked out of his office. “I’ll see you later, I have a surgery to get to.”

Alex watched as Jo left his office, sighing as he fell into his desk chair. He’d been Chief for two months now and had never felt a stronger need to kick his wife’s stubborn ass. Even Amelia had agreed to go on an earlier maternity leave, in fact she’d been grateful that he’d offered it to her. But Jo didn’t want to admit that she might need some help and some rest before their second child came into the world.

“She’s gonna be the death of me,” Alex mumbled to himself as he began to sort through the paperwork on his desk.

45 minutes after his wife storms out of his office, Alex’s phone dings with a text from Meredith:

Operating in OR 3. Jo looks like shit.

Furrowing his eyebrows, Alex decided to check out what was happening for himself. After walking down towards the operating galleries, he quietly slipped into one above Meredith and Jo’s OR. He watched with piqued interest as Meredith worked on one side of the operating table and Jo stood almost catatonic on the other side.

“Jo, will you please go sit down,” Meredith’s voice boomed through the OR and the gallery above, her eyes moving momentarily to the woman across from her. “I can see you wincing in pain from here.”

“They’re Braxton Hicks, I’m fine,” Alex could hear Jo’s strained tone of voice even from so far away. “Can you please stop badgering me about this? I’m fine, I’m going to work until my due date just like I did last time.”

“Last time you went into labor five days after your due date and you pushed your body so far that I had to hook you up to an IV for three days after you had Harper,” Alex’s eyebrows raised at Meredith’s words, not knowing exactly what had happened after Harper had been born. “You need to take care of yourself and your baby Jo.”

Jo’s fingers moved from her side to the operating table, gripping it tightly as she took slow and deep breaths. Alex left the gallery, moving quickly to the OR with only Jo on his mind. When he reappeared in the scrub room, he watched his wife’s body curl in on itself as she tried to remain standing upright.

“Jo, get out of there,” Jo’s head whipped around at the sound of Alex’s voice, one hand pressed firmly against her stomach as she looked at him. “Come on, I’m not gonna ask again. You can barely stand up straight.”

Without much protest, Jo walked out of the OR and into the scrub room, ripping her mask and gown off before beginning to scrub her hands.

“I told you I’m fine Alex,” one of Jo’s hands slipped down to the edge of the metal sink, knuckles going white as she gripped tightly. “They’re just Braxton Hicks. You don’t need to pull me out of surgery for this.”

Alex looked from his watch back to Jo, resting his hand against her back as he fixed her with a serious stare, “That’s twice in the past six minutes that you’ve had to stop what you’re doing and clench your fists. I’m pretty sure you’re having contractions. Go home babe, please I’m begging you.”

Jo groaned, turning to Alex with an angry glint in her eye as she stared him down, “I’m not going home, I am fine and I’m going to keep working. So stop nagging me.”

Taking a deep breath, Alex watched as Jo dried her hands off and turned to leave the scrub room. He grimaced as he said his next words, knowing he would piss his wife off with them, “I’m sending you on maternity leave, effective immediately. As the Chief, not as your husband.”

Jo’s entire body stiffened, stopping a foot from the door and turning back towards Alex. The angry expression on her face grew tenfold and she looked up at Alex.

“Are you kidding me? Alex you can’t do that! I’m perfectly fine,” Jo’s voice was bordering on a scream as she pointed at Alex. “You can be concerned as my husband all day long, but you can’t use your Chief powers just because you don’t agree with what I’m doing.”

“You couldn’t even pick up a scalpel to cut in there, I’m trying to make sure you don’t end up giving birth to our kid in the middle of operating,” Alex threw his hands up, eyes narrowing at Jo. “I was perfectly content letting you stress yourself out until you just passed out from exhaustion so that maybe you’d learn a lesson, but the second you start putting other people’s jobs and lives on the line it becomes my problem as the Chief. Go home Jo and don’t come back until you're about to give birth.”

Eyes watering, Jo stormed out of the scrub room, slamming the door behind her. Running his hands down his face, Alex let a loud groan out. The last thing he’d wanted to do was upset Jo, but her stubborn nature made things extremely difficult to work around. He knew what he’d done was a low blow, but he also knew that she wouldn’t have stopped until something happened to her or their child.

It was almost 7o’clock when Alex pulled into the driveway of his and Jo’s home. Harper was fast asleep in the backseat, soft snores coming from her as Alex debated how terrible it would be if he just turned around and left. He knew Jo was going to be furious with him and he didn’t want to deal with it, but he’d promised her he would come back. He was done running and ruining things between them because he couldn’t handle a simple conversation.

Carefully grabbing Harper and the dinner he’d picked up, Alex made his way into the house as quietly as possible. He set dinner in the kitchen and got Harper into bed before he checked on Jo. Their house, which they’d only been in for four months, was quieter than he’d ever heard it. There were no excited giggles, no music playing, no showers running. The complete and utter silence was driving him insane as he slipped into the bedroom he shared with Jo.

She was laying in bed, on his side he noted, curled in on herself and clutching a pillow tightly. While it pained him to see her upset, he was glad that she’d at least been able to sleep for once. Jo had spent the past two nights tossing and turning in bed, sleep evading her as the baby in her womb did somersaults. Alex toed off his shoes before settling himself behind Jo, his hands running across her back as she slowly woke up.

“Mmm what time is it,” Jo slowly turned around to press her face against Alex’s chest as best as she could with her belly between them. “I feel like I slept for three days.”

“It’s almost 7 now, Harper is asleep and I have dinner downstairs from the Chinese place you like,” Alex’s voice was low and soft as he ran his hands down to Jo’s belly, feeling the swift movements of the baby inside waking up with their mom. Jo let out a contented groan as her fingers came up to the curls at the nape of Alex’s neck, her body instinctively moving closer towards him. “I’m sorry about what happened today, you know I’d never use my power as Chief if I didn’t have to. I’m just worried about you, I don’t want you to hurt yourself. And I know you can handle it all because you're a superhero, but please let me look after you for a little bit.”

A pang of sadness ran through Alex as he realized just how much he’d missed as he watched a few tears escape Jo’s eyes. He knew this hadn’t been easy for her, the past couple months since he’d shown up throwing her whole life for a loop, but he wanted to make it up to her, he didn’t want to hurt her again.

“Are you okay, you know pain wise? Baby still giving you a hard time,” a hard kick met Alex’s hand at his question, both he and Jo laughing at the interruption.

“Better than before, I’m not contracting anymore,” Jo sighed, fiddling with her wedding rings as she avoided looking up at Alex. “I’m sorry… you were right about me pushing myself too much. I was in a lot of pain earlier and I shouldn’t have gone into that surgery. And… I do need to take it easy. I’m so used to just powering through all the shit that gets thrown at me by myself, I didn’t have help last time and I was with Harper for two years by myself. I love you, so freaking much Alex, but when it comes to parenting I’m not used to having someone here to help.”

His lips pressed against her forehead, Alex held Jo tightly as he relished in the feeling of her in his arms, “I promise I’ll be here to help as much as I can. I’ll wake up every night if this kid has colic, no complaints.”

Jo chuckled, finally lifting her head and kissing Alex soundly. Her fingers wound their way back into his hair, one hand trailing down his body to rake across his chest.

“You know, sex is supposed to help induce labor,” a grin spread across Jo’s face as Alex laughed, dipping his head down to her neck.

“You keep that baby in there, I have a little while before my leave starts,” despite his words, Alex’s lips continued trailing down her neck, fingers following the hot trail he’d created. “Dinners gonna get cold.”

“That’s fine,” Jo’s voice was a moan as she pulled lightly at Alex’s hair. “Keep going, screw dinner.”

Alex is rounding his way back to his office when he sees her in the hospital again. He’d sent her on maternity leave just three days ago and she was already back, instantly raising his blood pressure. His wife had been relaxing, napping as much as she could between her manic cleaning spurts, but he could tell that she was itching to get back into the OR armed with a scalpel.

“Jo!”

Her head swivels towards him, one hand settling on to her burgeoning stomach as she begins to walk slowly toward him. Alex can already feel his anger rising, knowing that he’d probably caught Jo trying to weasel her way into a surgery.

“Hey, I just got here,” Jo breathed out as Alex stood in front of her. “Why are you glaring at me like I just ran over your dog?”

“You need to go home, I told you that you can’t operate,” Alex placed his hands on Jo’s shoulders, eyeing her warily as she furrowed her eyebrows. “You’re not about to trick me into letting you work just because you bat your eyelashes at me.”

“Alex, I-“

“No buts, you need to go home and rest,” Alex tried to push Jo back the way she came, but her feet stayed planted firmly on the ground. “Jo, let’s go.”

“Alex!”

He turns then, Jo’s hands gripping his arm that’s still settled on her shoulder. Her eyes are narrowed and her breathing is shallow as she stares up at him, looking almost as if she might slap him.

“If you don’t let me talk to you, I will give birth to your child in this hallway,” Jo squeezed Alex’s arm as she took a deep breath, eyes closing as she spoke through gritted teeth. “My water broke half an hour ago, that’s why I’m here.”

Eyes blown wide, Alex finally takes in Jo’s almost disheveled state and the annoyed expression on her face as she glared at him. Her fingers were gripping his arm, nails sinking into his skin even through his lab coat as she tried to remain composed.

“Oh shit okay, well let’s go then,” Alex pressed his hand against Jo’s back, leading her toward the maternity ward. “Wait, did you drive here? While you were in labor?”

“Let’s talk about that later, I’ve been having contractions since you left for work this morning,” Jo stopped Alex from walking further, head leaning against his shoulder as her breathing became shallow. “Jesus, I forgot how terrible this is. No more after this one, screw the extra bedrooms. I can’t push out another gigantic Karev baby.”

They slowly make their way down the halls and to the maternity ward, Jo stopping every few minutes to breathe through a contraction as Alex rubbed her back comfortingly. His gaze continued to float nervously to his watch, noticing how close Jo’s contractions were as they finally got settled into a room. Carina stepped into the room, greeting them both as she set up. “I swear if you tell me I can’t have drugs I might scream,” Jo pushed her face into Alex’s chest and let out a loud groan as Carina checked her, a laugh coming from the obstetrician. “What? Why are you laughing? That can’t be a good sign.” Looking from Jo to Carina, a grimace quickly formed on Alex's face as he realized that she’d come to the same conclusion he had on their walk over. Jo was too far along in her labor, probably almost ready to push.

“Well your bambino has a full head of hair,” Carina smiled up at Jo, standing and motioning for the nurse standing by the door to come in. “Your baby is ready, I’m sure you will feel the need to push any minute now.” Jo’s eyes moved to Alex nervously, her expression practically begging him to help her as she grumbled, “No way, I can’t do this again. I’m not gonna do it, Alex.”

Alex took in Jo’s teary eyes and her scared expression, his hand coming up to brush her hair away from her face. She’d told him last week that she hadn’t been scared to give birth again, but the expression on her face now read otherwise, he knew her well enough to see the fear pasted on her face.

“Hey, you got this, I know you do. You are the strongest person I know,” leaning down towards her, Alex pressed his lips to Jo’s forehead, fingers swiping away the tears staining her cheeks. “You kinda have to have this baby, but I’m here for you to squeeze my hand and yell at as much as you want. Okay?” “Okay,” Jo sniffled, one hand coming up to caress Alex’s cheek. “Okay let’s do it.” -

“Hey Harps! Come to daddy!” Alex Karev didn’t think he’d ever been happier to see his daughter before, the bouncing three year old jumping from Meredith’s grasp on her and running full speed towards him. He hadn’t realized how much she’d grown just in the few months he’d been home, but feeling the solid weight of her in his arms made him realize that Harper was growing faster by the day.

“Daddy, baby?,” Harper’s hazel eyes met Alex’s own, the glint behind them the same curious look he’d seen in Jo time and again.

“Yeah mommy had the baby, you wanna go see them,” Alex asked, eyes floating to Meredith, who wore a wide grin as she looked at the duo. “Come on, mama wants to see you!” Alex and Harper walked the short distance from the waiting room to Jo’s hospital room, both Karevs brimming with excitement as they neared the room. As he opened the door, Alex couldn’t help the way his heart fluttered at the sight of Jo cradling their newborn, their oldest settled on his hip.

“Hey sweet pea, come here,” Jo’s voice was barely above a whisper as she beckoned Alex and Harper closer to the bed. “You wanna come meet your baby sister?”

Harper eyed the baby in her mom’s arms, a full head of dark brown curls peeking out from the pink hat she wore. The older girl wasn’t sure about the baby, but she still settled into her mom’s side contentedly, one hand reaching out to stroke her sister's cheek. “This is your little sister Mila Alexandra, but you can just call her Mila. Can you say hi to her,” Alex looked on as Harper paid careful attention to Mila, her eyes watching the baby curiously as she stretched one tiny arm out of her swaddle to grab Harper’s finger. “I think she likes you.”

He hadn’t pictured this life, never thought he’d get a second chance to fix things with Jo. But staring at his wife and their two daughters, Alex couldn’t help but realize how incredibly lucky he was. He’d come back, he’d fixed things, and he knew that he was going to be leaving any of his girls anytime soon. Jo’s fingers reach up to brush back the already unruly curls from Mila’s face, her wedding rings catching the light from the window as she settles her hand on top of the newborn's chest.

“Why’re you standing over there? Come join us,” Jo motioned for Alex to come and sit with them, prompting him to settle Harper into his lap as he sat beside Jo. “You know, I’m happy you came back. I don’t know what I would’ve done without you.”

“Well now you’ll never have to wonder.”

#alex karev #jo karev #jo wilson #jolex #jo x alex #jolex fanfic #jolex fic #greys anatomy #greys fanfic #hesitate #nina writes

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humanemotionssuck · 4 years ago

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Hello 2021

January 2, 2021

I should’ve put these thoughts into words on the first day of the year but then again, I felt so lazy given this bed weather we are currently having. By far, I think I experienced the coldest temperature here in my hometown (21 degrees baby) and I’m sure not liking it as I prefer warm days.

I actually do not know how to start. I feel it’s necessary to check on how I am doing lately. Write the things I experienced last year and reflect on the lessons it taught me.

I could probably kick things off by remembering how 2020 started for me. I have a bad memory but I’ll try my best to recall them.

January

Broke up with J (yes this is probably one of the major and heartbreaking events happened to me). To sum it up, I realized that the relationship does not have growth anymore, and I am slowly drifting to follow my own path, which is to focus on the plans I want. I haven’t thought deeply the lessons I learned in my past relationship yet but one thing is for sure, I changed and I want to explore more of what I can do or what I’m missing out in life. Which brings me to attend seminars on how to work/study abroad. I attended a couple (e.g Fortrust Makati) and I also realized how costly it will be and I’m probably not yet ready esp. on the financial aspect.

February – March

Highlight on these months was I got back to dating apps again. I know it was a complete dick move. I haven’t moved on yet and here I am in the pool again. I met 2 guys from this app, Coffee Meets Bagel (which btw I uninstalled few months after). The first guy was the introvert but funny type and also VERY sexual. I got along with it, tried to do the deed but failed cause the guy hasn’t moved on from the ex yet. (Sucks right). And so I met this second guy and he is decent but we really had completely different personality. I believe this guy is also rich (he came from a Chinese family and I went to his house and saw the maid and his stuff). Can you also believe he already introduced me to his mom (no dad cause broken family), uncle and grandma. Pressured si ate gurl syempre cause it was really too early to do that step since we’re just dating but March was the most difficult month because…

START OF LOCKDOWN. PH was in state of panic after the government announced a nationwide lockdown due to increased COVID-19 transmission. I immediately went on a bus to the province fearing to get stuck in Manila.

April

Nah this was just a typical month. Summer vibes all over but since we cannot go to the beach we just setup an inflatable pool in the house to get soaked. I finally posted a pic wearing a swimsuit again. My stagnant IG feed came to life lmao

May

Oh boy. This month sucks so much. I got typhoid fever. Which I thought was COVID already cause my fever just won’t stop. My mom didn’t want me to get admitted in the hospital in the fear of being infected so I was hooked in the IV here in the house. I felt I was dying. I was in huge pain both physically and mentally. Which forced me to end any communication means with the second guy. He was not there when I was sick. I didn’t feel his concern even if we’re miles apart and I felt I was begging for his attention. It just won’t work. He blocked me in his socials (which is a first for me, usually I am the one who blocks lol) but given the current state I have now, I learned to accept it and chose to move forward.

June

Explored options on work/study program abroad. We got a new car (Xpander) which my father was able to purchase after borrowing money from us. That money could’ve been used for my Japan trip on December (plot twist it was cancelled due to fucking corona) but it’s okay I guess I’ll save another again.

I also got my student permit (yes I learned how to drive months after hehe)

July

THIS WAS MY BIGGEST DOWNFALL FOR THIS YEAR. There were some modifications in the quarantine and so my employer required and FORCED us to report on site in Makati despite of high number of positive cases. All I can say is SCREW THEM and I hope karma will do its thing on their business. The management.. the bosses.. they are all inconsiderate fucks for not allowing me to work at home instead. The situation forced me to resign but they chose to terminate me instead. The unemployment took its toll on my mental health, it caused me great depression and anxiety which forced me to look for distractions.. anything that will ease my mind.

Oh and btw, I bought my first laptop from hard earned money. Oh boy, it was satisfying to give myself the things my parents couldn’t afford that time I was still in school. It’s a gaming laptop and the one I’m using to type now. I absolutely love it and I used it to find online jobs later on..

I read Looking for Alaska by John Green again after watching the TV series on Hulu. Geez, this has to be my favorite book so far. The seeking of great perhaps.. which was very timely on my mood while having nothing else to do.

Lastly, TAYLOR SWIFT RELEASED A NEW ALBUM CALLED FOLKLORE. In the middle pandemic? Awesome right and this album kept me sane during this crazy and miserable month. Oh and on December, she released folklore’s sister album.. Evermore. Miss Swift saved me again with her music. This will definitely be one of the albums I will play when I’m old and gray knitting sweaters and wearing cardigan.

August

I started and finished my driving lesson in manual. JFC, I realized driving gives me a huge anxiety. One thing is for sure, I will prefer to drive automatic. Not driving that shit again.

I was still hooked with Looking for Alaska. Also purchased Subtle Art of not Giving a F*ck on the time I bought LFA.

On the other hand, I was also actively looking for new jobs this time.

September

ON SEPT. 30 I GOT HIRED! I was super happy to start on a new job. It gave me hope once again to continue on this journey called life. After almost 3 months, we are def back to business!

I also got the chance to get this Thyroid issue checked. Unfortunately, there was no major stuff going on with my thyroid. Basically, I’m perfectly healthy. What sucks is that the doctor invalidated my previous condition and said I only have ~anxiety which is the cause of my symptoms (excessive sweating and palpitations). I will seek professional help on this anxiety stuff anytime in the future.

Lastly, I played Grand Chase again and met someone in the game. Well technically we haven’t met yet but since then, I got used to talking with this guy and he is part of my daily routine now. I won’t spoil much details but as soon as this is all over, I can’t wait to meet this person :)

*cue Grand Chase soundtrack*

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VoK0bAjsHoo

October

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEE! It was a typical birthday. I don’t have much realizations. If I had one, I need to think thoroughly again lol.

Busy with training on the new job and this has been the most challenging training I ever had since I started working.

NOVEMBER

WORK WORK WORK. Super stressed and my anxiety was on the roof. I thought of giving up already but then again it was too early to quit. I haven’t seen my full potential on this job yet and so I chose to keep on fighting.

I also finally got braces. Let’s get these smiles fixed.

December

WORK WORK WORK AGAIN. My work caused me a huge anxiety cause I was given high priority cases -.-But overall, I can say the holidays went great. I finally got to spend time with the family outside. Don’t worry cause we still practiced precautions and I guess it wouldn’t hurt to go out once in a while to have some fresh air. We went to the beach and pretty much that’s the highlight of this month.

Things are getting serious with this guy I’m talking about.. Seriously, he makes me happy every single day.

I also won in Christmas raffle. Oppo phone. (I have the odds in my favor when it comes to raffles lol)

Feels weird to celebrate this holiday too thinking a lot of hardships were experienced in the last few months of quarantine. I was thinking about all the lives lost by covid and hoping they are in the peaceful place now..

JANUARY (NOW)

After everything that happened, oddly the start of the year gives me a sense of hope. Sure I am still carrying the trauma 2020 gave me but I am slowly leaving all of them behind. I want a fresh start and I want to let go of the things that gave me pain. I don’t have solid resolutions just like in my teenage years. Guess I’m too old for that. Not saying it’s okay to not have plans for the future and just go with the flow but I promise to not be too hard on myself and to not pressure myself on the goals I haven’t achieved yet. It’s really a struggle to plan things ahead given the situation but as always, I will do my best. I will stop comparing my progress to somebody else’s cause everyone has their own timeline.

I will listen to my heart and my mind to determine the things I really want. I promise to reevaluate the decisions I am making each day. I will not be afraid of making mistakes because that’s how I learn.

I am embracing my anxiety of uncertainty. It’s okay to feel afraid because I am always trying on how to overcome my fear. I strive each day because I am more than just a ball of anxiety. The palpitations.. the sweating.. they don’t define me. I have the power to control them and they won’t stop me from being the better version of myself.

#quaranthings #just quarantine thoughts #2020 #bye2020 #new year

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kazbrkker · 5 years ago

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Chapter 2: Valley of the Damned

Chapter summary: Alexis and Alex are finally reunited after three long months. Now, their new assignment is to locate the gas. To do so, they have to align themselves with a local militia. Alexis finds herself reuniting with more than one old friend (2544 words)

Warnings: Mention of needles. Weapons and violence.

24 OCTOBER 2019, 1515 “Alexis" CIA BASE, Urzikstan

Clutching his IV stand, Alex enveloped her into a long overdue embrace, exchanging warm words of reconciliation. She smirked, appreciating the humorous view of a 6"1 man dressed in a knee-length surgical gown. It was a feast for her sore eyes, after months of doomsday work, it was liberating to genuinely enjoy a laugh.

"You look like shit." Aside from his flesh injuries and his newly grown scruff, Alex felt leaner under her fingertips. The bags underneath their eyes were darker, heavier with the weight of the dark, frightful world that they had witnessed.

Three months had since passed. While Alexis was tasked with chasing the mess left in Valhalla's wake, Alex was stationed everywhere Command pleased. Texts of good health weren't the same as physically seeing each other. Most of the time, it was a one-way communication with Alex's inconsistent replies, understandable as he was restlessly deployed from one hostile environment to the next.

"And that's the first thing you say to me? How kind of you, Lexi."

"Please. Your nicknames are horrible."

They pulled away shortly after, the hug was enough to remedy for the lost three months. Although his arm remained on her shoulders, which normally would have earned him a harsh jab. Today, the injured man received immunity.

She turned back to face the CIA station chief, who watched their reunion with the faintest of a smile and morphed back into the cold, professional agent that Laswell knew best.

The duo sat down while Laswell started her debrief. There was limited intel on where or who stole the gas. Satellite images discovered only the abandoned trucks five miles outside Verdansk, with intercepted chatter suggesting that they switched vehicles.

In short, the CIA doesn't know jack about the stolen gas.

"Your primary mission is to locate the gas and secure it." Laswell ordered.

Alexis inquired, "How are we transporting the package?"

"Anonymous tip off, zero footprints. Russia cannot know that American operatives have a part in this."

"Third option, then." The young agent stated, scanning her brain for any holes she needed Laswell to fill. Third option was the SAD's motto, representing everything they stood for – when diplomacy fails and military wasn't an option.

"We're on our own." Alex followed, eyes briefly flickering to Alexis.

Laswell shook her head, which surprised them. "Normally, yes. But with the rising situation, we need to locate the gas fast. You will need the Liberation Force on your side, a local militia of 7000 strong. Use Captain Price's name to make contact with the CO, that should get you in."

"Commander Karim," Alexis straightened up. Looks like Alex was not the only old friend she was reuniting with.

"You know Commander Karim?" Laswell asked for the second time for today, pleasantly surprised.

She merely hummed, thinking know might not be the right word. A soft smirk formed at the memory. Without elaborating further, it left the other two to their imaginations.

"Command is not sparing any expenses. Anything you need, radio in. They expect the Aces to bring it home as always." Laswell continued. "Go freshen up. We'll reconvene at 1800 for mission prep."

Over the years, she had mastered the art of reading in between the lines of Command's orders. We expect nothing but mission success, you cannot afford the price of your blowback. She agreed, failure was nonexistent in her books, for the hefty price would be paid by innocent lives. There was always too much riding on every assignment, pressurizing, to say the least.

"Yes ma'am," were the last words she said with a crude nod before exiting, practically bolting out the door.

Alexis mischievously checked her wristwatch as Alex sidestepped down the stairs, IV stand in toll. She laughed, draping his uninjured arm across her shoulders for support, "Jesus, you look like you could sprain a muscle climbing down those steps."

Alex derided, "That's hilarious."

He abruptly halted, earning a confused side glance. His hands brazenly clasped Alexis' face, the rough edges of his thumb contouring her features. A grinned continuously while examining her face, utilizing Urkzistan's pounding sunlight to highlight her sharp features.

His piercing blue eyes took her in. A little tanner, irritated veins hiding shyly in her eyes, cheekbones were more sunken than the last time he saw her.

"Alex... It's like you're begging me to tackle you right here–" She struggled over her words as he tilted her head, calloused fingers tightly squishing her cheekbones to counter her resistance. "You really want to fall flat on your ass, in a surgical gown in front of the Marines?"

He finally released her with a satisfied hum.

"Just jealous that Paris has been treating you so well." He messed with her neat bun, cooing at her irked expression. "Did you get 'em highlighted?"

Alexis peered with a sickly sweet, uncomfortably wide smile for her usual cold and expressionless face. Her fingers traced along where his IV needle was embedded and pressed hard. A pained groan fell from his lips, clutching onto her shoulder blades for silent mercy.

"That's hilarious," she echoed, taking quick nods at his sarcastic smile and nervous laughter. "I'll admit, my target sure knew how to pick his places. Quel beau coucher de soleil! (What a beautiful sunset!)"

She was being sarcastic. Showers were considered a luxury — being tasked on recon all the time, let alone to enjoy the damn sunset.

He scowled in response, hurriedly plucking out his IV drip afterwards. He watched as she observed the scenery in the Urzikstan base, or rather, the lack thereof. She sighed, "Alex, I–"

Alex interjected before she said something self-deprecating. "Our job-"

"Our job never ends. I know..." She recited with Alex, a genuine smile as she looked back at him. It was remarkable how Alex always intuitively knew how she was feeling, a honed skill that he now specialized in when it came to her. "Just wish I could have seen it through the end. To catch Val–"

She quickly apologized for the almost slip. Alex strained his eyebrows at the unexpected mistake, now understanding the true extent of how her Paris mission affected her – for she wasn't one to be that careless.

Unbeknownst to the public, there were a series of bombings in various parts of the world tied to Boucher's MO. The puzzling detail was that Boucher had solid alibis when it all happened. That was enough for the CIA to launch an investigation to find out Boucher had turned contractual.

That was Alexis' assignment, to find out Boucher's buyer.

He wanted to divulge more, but he couldn't. In order for the government to maintain plausible deniability, every SAD operation was clandestine, deniable. Nothing, even in the face of true friendships, people that you trust your life with, would ever change that. Even the closest peas in a pod – the two of them, knew little about each other's assignments.

And sometimes, it really pissed him off. It made it more difficult to keep each other safe.

Alex sighed, pulling her closer against him, injuries be damned.

What he could empathize with, was the pool of helplessness flooding their hearts when they get pulled away from assignments they believe in. Coupled with the fact they never get to choose, it was a cold splash of reality that they could only accept, never protest.

That sentence served as a reminder to anchor the pair, to never lose sight of their beliefs. At the end of the day, whatever you do, trust that you are still for the greater good.

Our job never ends.

The greater good is always calling. Even if it wasn't the one they wanted.

━━━━ 26 OCTOBER 2019, 1300 "Alexis" and "Alex", Codename Aces CIA Assets Liberation Force Base, Urzikstan

The unsightly, plain cement building stared Alexis back in the face. It appeared awfully residential, pieces of cloth hanging loosely from its hinges.

Stationed just behind the corner of the militia's perimeters, arms folded, she watched Alex slid a combat knife in his left boot. "That's overdoing it, don't you think?"

"Empty your right boot, Lexi, let's see it."

"Left boot." She corrected with a wagging finger. He shoved it back playfully. "The right boot is reserved for a handcuff key and some razors– Which I will use on you, if you keep it up with that nickname."

Alex ignored her demands and rolled his eyes, mumbling the same sentiment about overdoing it. Now standing up, he stared down as she held a proud grin, "Not when it breaks you out of custody from the mob."

At this mention, the playful mood disappeared. She pursed her lips and raised her hands apologetically at the sight of Alex's tensed body language, knowing the joke was in poor taste. He had always disliked it when she joked about that. It went silent after that.

It was in the mid-afternoon when the duo intentionally breached the militia's perimeter to make contact, hands raised defensively. It didn't take past five seconds before armed soldiers besieged them, yelling in Arabic at the pair.

Alex took charge, his voice unwavering as he used Captain Price's name as ordered. The two slowly disarmed as a form of sincerity to prove they weren't a threat. Their eyes met as they were slammed onto the rough gravel. With fire in his eyes, Alex stared at the man patting down Alexis' body, daring them to try anything. On the contrary, the female agent was calm and composed.

"I'll follow your lead." His head tilted in confusion at her request. Alexis should take lead, they were her contacts.

"It's been a hazy five years. Plus, you're so handsome. Come on, you'll drop 'em dead." She commented elusively, entering his good graces again when a tiny grin surfaced. "Also, if you introduce me with that God forbidden name, you know what's in my boots."

"Hey. Right boot, don't forget."

"Look who's a fast learner."

They were escorted into a dark room to Commander Karim.

"What is your message from Captain Price?" Commander Karim spoke first. She examined the two intruders, eyes lingering longer on the brunette woman.

"Commander Karim. Call me Alex, this is Alexis." Gradually, the Commander's cautious expression was tainted with a hint of surprise – she remembered. Farah nodded an acknowledgement towards Alexis, arms crossed defensively. The female agent's presence was surprising, so was Captain Price's name drop. But that wasn't sufficient to lower her guard.

"I'm listening."

They requested complete privacy for the classified intel. The commander reverted back to her mother tongue, ordering the soldiers to leave them.

"Forty-eight hours ago, terrorists stole a shipment of Russian gas."

"Only Al-Qatala would do this." Commander Karim stated confidently.

Alexis remained seated, her face expressionless per usual. On the other hand, Alex stood up, confidence radiating as he sauntered around the table. She smirked, confidence was the one thing nobody could pry away from Alex.

The man was naturally charming, easy on the eyes and gifted with a silver tongue to wiggle him out of sticky situations. This trait of his was why he thrived well in hostile environments, due to his natural ability to quickly form bonds with local militias, which Command milked every single drop of it.

She knew Alex had his doubts about the militia group and he wasn't afraid to sugarcoat it. Audaciousness was one of their common traits, they want to know exactly what they were dealing with.

So she lets him get audacious.

"The Russians make no distinction between Al-Qatala and your people." With that bold statement, Alexis leaned deeper into her seat.

"And I make no distinction between Al-Qatala and their army. They are both terrorists." Commander Karim narrowed her eyes, "We would never use these poisons."

Alex nodded, the delay between nods still suggested doubt. "Then help us track it, before they–"

"Before they what? Take it to Europe? Or America?" Farah chuckled bitterly, side-eyeing Alexis. Unspoken tension circled the air as the two women's gazes met. "We live like this every day."

Alex glanced at his partner suspiciously.

The door swung open and a younger man entered the room. "Commander, it's time to go–" He halted at the presence of new company. "Who is this?"

"Alex, this is my brother and lieutenant, Hadir. Alena, you already know him."

"Unfortunately." She replied without missing a beat, feeling Alex's perplexed gaze burning a deep hole in her side profile.

Despite knowing better, he was futilely searching for a tell that he wouldn't find. He asked himself, what is she not telling me?

Farah Karim shrugged, humored. The hostility in Hadir's eyes washed away instantly upon recognizing the brown-haired woman. "Alena! What are you doing with the CIA?"

"Alexis." She rectified. "I work with the CIA now," The brunette rosed from her seat, a small nod in her first act of mutual acknowledgement to the familiar faces.

Their eyebrows raised at the revelation. "A lot has changed," Farah stated as a matter of fact.

Alexis recognized the wary looks in their eyes. Her palms rippled in reassuring waves, "I still work with Captain Price. So does Alex."

"Then you still kill Russians, yes?"

"We have friends who can help us. But, your sister decides what's next." Alex replied, tactfully using the situation to deliver this sole sentence that demonstrated their respect for the militia's authority and established the CIA's usefulness. Alexis stared with admiration, looking at the skilful agent doing what he does best.

"Of course. My sister is in command...and their army is still here." Something about how Hadir said it did not sit well with Alexis.

"This occupation must end. That we can all agree on, yes?" The two agents nodded, carefully observing a map of the Urzikstan capital.

"General Barkov's men control the city. We have plans to change that."

"We have no missiles, but we have our ways," Hadir added eagerly.

"If you stay, we can help you, but if you stay... you fight."

Alexis shrugged, her answer was crystal clear. Her lips curved upwards, simply crossing her arms and left her other half in charge. She observed his thinking face, unknown to the world but subtle to her. A small shift of his lower jaw, his tell. After years of experience, they could read each other like a book.

"Then, let's fight." He answered in Arabic, pushing himself off the table just in time to catch a rifle that Hadir tossed to him.

She broke into a small grin, catching her weapon with her reflexes.

"Welcome to Urzikstan, Alex. Alena– Alexis, welcome back," Hadir said with an equally delighted expression.

"Follow me." Farah nodded, arming herself with an AK-47. Hadir, Alex and Alexis followed her lead to the militia's secret tunnels. It was pitch black until a red flare illuminated it.

"We have intel Russian troop commanders are in town today. We're going to ambush them."

Alexis eagerly squeezed her partner's shoulders. Adrenaline flowed through their veins and their stomachs twisted in a sign of anticipation. Anticipation for trouble, for blood, for faith.

This marked the start of the duo's assignment.

"Let's seize the day."

a/n: hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. masterlist here. want to be tagged? let me know!

#call of duty x oc #call of duty x reader #alex modern warfare #john price #kyle garrick #kate laswell #farah karim #oc: alexis #hadir karim #ysr writes: kl #killer instinct #fanfiction #alex cod #modern warfare

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